having to come to terms with the fact that love is not an everlasting performance in which you attempt to retain the attention of your significant other but rather a release of control and putting faith into them and trusting them to choose to stay with you no matter what you have to offer
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am i wrong that this is like the hottest thing
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class actually went really well and i’m very glad i went!!!! my teacher helped me find a newspaper database to use, and he completely understood how i don’t have a lot of sources yet since they’re all in st paul. and i got a hundred percent on my presentation (about the newspapers i looked at today) so my grade is going to be much better now
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journal entry (march 20 2024)
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(full explanation/important context!!)
i have history class in an hour, and my teacher sent a message telling us to bring in our primary sources to analyze and do an oral presentation on. this scares me really bad!! last time i did a presentation in a class i did cry. i also don’t really.. have any primary sources on hand… because all the resources about mexican americans in st paul are held at a library in st paul…. and i’ve been in [redacted city that isn’t that] the whole time i’ve been working on this project. i will get my primary sources over spring break, in a few days, but right now i don’t really have anything. and i’m supposed to bring in a primary source, spend an hour analyzing it, and then give a 2.5 minute oral presentation for the class. this scares me, and i’m unprepared, and it’s making me anxious to even consider showing up. also, i have a lot to do before i leave for break tomorrow night, and i promised a friend we’d go to a store today, and i need to buy earbuds for the busride tomorrow. if i do that now instead of going to class, then i’ll have more time this evening to finish my homework and pack to go home for spring break. on the other hand, my grade in the class right now is 80% and trending downwards, and it’s a core class for my major which means it’s kind of important that i get a good final grade. my teacher says that “if you put in the effort for this class, you’re getting an A” but here i am. i keep misinterpreting assignment descriptions and turning things in that are just sort of wrong, like turning in a thesis argument instead of a research question. i don’t think missing today will necessarily affect my grade, but i feel like i’m letting my teacher down. and secondly, the risk of skipping class on purpose is always that i never know when i’ll get a disability flare and have no choice in the matter in future weeks. but right now, i’m extremely anxious, and unprepared, and i don’t know what to do. so i’m turning to the internet for help 💔🤞🤧
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something’s just not right / there’s hunger in my eyes, but you’re not looking into mine / in the morning light / i wake up next to you, but we’re no longer entwined / i want to love you with a ravenous hunger, tear your flesh into mine / you say you like me, but you’d rather that i listen quiet, keep it all inside / i romanticize a lust for blood and the glint of evil in your eyes / any kind of sign, something to tell me that your heart is burning just like mine / rend me to pieces if that’s what it takes to tell me that i taste divine / there’s something wrong but i just can’t quite place it, leave me on the precipice, i’m fine / something awakening and stirring inside me / i’m gearing up, your pretense in decline / i slice my heart up on a platter and find that you don’t even wanna dine / i gave my soul up, you can eat me raw / diced up and vulnerable, i’m yours to try / you’re glancing to the side, bored, and find that you don’t even wanna dine!!!!
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ALSO if anybody has any studies about the long term health effects of testosterone as gender affirming care…. my dad wants me to send him articles to prove that it’s safe and necessary for me to do. which is a normal request if you don’t ask it the way that my dad does. and if you don’t say “well i mean i could do my own research but it’s awfully likely that i’ll find too much evidence on the contrary” piss off if there’s something you have a concern about then tell me what it is, otherwise how much of transsexuality do i have to spell out and explain???? anyway just if anybody happens to have comprehensive literature with more of an emphasis on physical than mental health then that would be really helpful to help me argue my case.
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lyrics: something’s just not right / there’s hunger in my eyes, but you’re not looking into mine / in the morning light / i wake up next to you, but we’re no longer entwined / i wanna love you with a ravenous hunger / tear your flesh into mine / you say you like me / but you rather that i listen quiet, keep it all inside / something awakening and stirring inside me / i’m gearing up, your pretense in decline / i slice my heart up on a platter and find that you don’t even wanna dine / i gave my soul up, you can eat me raw / diced up and vulnerable, i’m yours to try / you’re glancing to the side, bored, and find that you don’t even wanna dine
here is my boring loserboy barely even visceral softcore cannibalism song if anybody is interested. ZERO sinew cause i’m a disgrace and took the concept in the tamest direction possible i’m so sorry.
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[longwinded rambling nothing to see here]
im actually really close to being an adult though and its kind of really exciting. i feel a little bit sick and awful, and my present moment isn’t going very well, but i feel like it’s going to be possible to feel satisfied? and idk that’s an exciting idea. like one day i’m gonna be forty and bearded, and i won’t think about oliver anymore, and i’ll be in a band, and i hope i’ll be less sick or i’ll know how to deal with it, and i’ll be publishing writing one way or another, and i’ll be a connected member of my family, chosen or otherwise, and i can watch over the garden wall every day if i want to, and i will bring my very own broom to everywhere i live, and i’ll have a good electric guitar and a full sized acoustic cello, and i’ll make jewelry all the time and if i’m healthy enough or i have a friend to help with walks, i can have a dog. and there are a lot of big and unrealistic things that i want in life, but one day i’ll be able to see clearly, and sleep as much as i need to, and people will recognize me and i’ll help as much as i can, and i will make art and love so many people, and maybe i can cook.
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im sick again but going by to class because i cant handle more absences on my record, and theres a midterm on thursday and i have a grammar presentation tomorrow that i literally haven’t decided a topic for so i need to talk to my teacher. but that being said im really fucking ill. and now i’m sitting on the bus waiting for it to take me to class and i’m gonna be just ten minutes late maybe but that’s still late. and i feel really sick and i don’t think sitting up in class is gonna be good for me at all. yesterday i had to go home from dinner early cause i had really bad chest pain and it went down as soon as i laid down but i wouldn’t be surprised if it comes back as soon as i’ve been sitting a couple minutes. okay i’m almost to dropped off at class but i am angry at my ex because this is definitely crying-induced flare and he fucking did that to me and then got mad at me for being sick without even ever asking if i was okay. ok i have to walk again now and go to school so wish me luck!!!!
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[long post about college friends and how they act about my recent breakup — i am doing just fine so feel free to ignore — just trying to process things and that involves long paragraphs of sorting my thoughts]
today i was hanging out with mila and aria and i joked that it was a red flag that oliver doesn’t like the little robots that drive around campus delivering food. and aria said “that guy was a walking red flag in general” and i said what do you mean?? and she just started listing things and some of them i can see where she’s coming from and some of them i can’t. but like for example she said he’s a bad listener and self-centered and doesn’t care about other people. and i would say that he does care about other people, and he’s just not good at showing it. but i actually do think that the way he was so focused on me when he liked me is maybe a bad thing after all. like he focused on me and didn’t really pay attention to my other friends. mila says she felt uncomfortable when we were in a group of three before me and oliver started dating because oliver would only pay attention to me. and i do wish that i had noticed that and taken it for all of what it is, instead of just seeing that he liked me, if i saw that for him liking somebody in that way makes such a difference, because it makes sense that now that he doesn’t like me anymore, our relationship is entirely recontextualizing when from my perspective we could have just stayed close friends.
anyway another thing that aria said is that specifically, he doesn’t pay attention to ella. who is another friend of aria’s and sort of me and mila’s, which is sort of a layered issue. cause i know why oliver doesn’t pay attention to ella, it’s because he doesn’t like her because she makes her friendship to me into a big performance even though we hardly know each other. like whenever we see each other and i’m with someone she doesn’t know (for example when my mom was here) she goes “ohmygosh i’m your biggest fan it’s the legendary arthur” or she will like shake my hand or whatever and be like “wow it’s SO good to see you” even though we hardly know each other, and she doesn’t act like that when it’s just the two of us. it almost feels like she’s making fun of me, even though i know she doesn’t mean it like that. but the point is she can make me uncomfortable at times, and the first time oliver met her was a time she was acting like that, and afterwards he said “who was that??” and i said “oh we hardly know each other” and he said he hates when people are insincere and put on a show like that and that it reminds him of his dad. so i can’t exactly take it as a red flag that he doesn’t like her specifically. i think it’s maybe a green flag to not give a lot of credit to somebody who treats your partner weird like that?? i sure appreciated that somebody else in the world agreed with me on how it felt.
but anyways people have been pointing out issues with oliver and they all have something to be said for their arguments. but the thing that’s upsetting me right now is this: aria listed so many things she doesn’t like about oliver, including “i mean, it’s oliver. his personality is just awful” (which!!!! jeez!!!! going to have to disagree on that front?? and really…. do they even know each other?? i don’t know where she’s drawing her judgements from honestly cause they’ve hardly interacted) but what upsets me is that every time i’ve mentioned oliver for the past few months, no matter what it’s about, aria will just say “imagine being in a relationship” or like “oh i wish i had a boyfriend” (also irritating is that — although i’m starting to question the sincerity of oliver’s gender concerns as opposed to sloppily covered up commitment issues — i have told everyone, more than once, that he wanted to be referred to as my partner, not my boyfriend, and nobody i know has cared at all)
and i asked today when she was listing red flags i was like “why didn’t you tell me any of this while we were dating??” and she said “oh well i was just happy for you to be dating anybody even if it’s him.” and that pisses me off so bad!!!! don’t get me wrong i feel good about my decision to date oliver even if it ended badly, and i don’t want to take back these past few months and have it end sooner than it did, but i would love it if people didn’t shield me from their legitimate opinions of my partner just because they’d rather me be dating an asshole than comfortably single?? and the fact that this whole time she’s believed me to be dating an asshole, and still guilt tripped me constantly for being in a relationship even though she clearly believed it to be a bad one???? that really upsets me. and it’s not like we’re incredibly close but she’s one of the only people i have in college (especially now that all the alcohol party people maybe belong to oliver and won’t ever talk to me again) and i would like to feel like she respects me enough to share her real opinions about my partner before my relationship falls apart?? is that too much to ask?? and just. the idea that she has resented him this entire time, and still been going on and on about how lucky i am to be in any relationship at all.
i don’t know. that’s my vent. i’m just irritated and i wish everyone i knew here hadn’t been so busy treating me and my relationship as their little pet “aww well aren’t you cute” or “i am SO jealous of you” and just valuing the fact that i’m in a relationship over every actual qualitative judgement they have. even if i don’t agree with everything they’re saying and automatically regret this relationship. i’m upset that all of these concerns are only coming out now, and that nobody seems to have any concern for how this breakup is actually affecting me, or how the relationship affected me while it lasted. they were just happy for me that i had a “boyfriend”. and mean to me all the time that they didn’t. this is almost entirely about aria, but a few other people have said things to a similar effect and i just wish i could trust anybody to communicate with me when there’s literally anything i can do about it. vent over i guess.
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