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falling-endlessly · 3 months

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Boomerang (part 1)

Vox x Female!Ex!Overlord!Reader

Summary: When Vox proves incapable of cutting Valentino out of his sex life despite his many reassurances, you decide to break it off with him and leave for good. He doesn’t take it so well.

Just to be clear, reader is an artificial intelligence demon, looks super realistic and human-like, but is actually composed of nanotechnology. She was human once though, like all of the other sinners.

INSPIRED BY THIS POST

Part 2—> Chapter Index

"Y/n?" Charlie poked her head through your door. "There's uh, someone here to see you."

You narrowed your eyes, rising from your bed. A bone-weary sigh escaped you. It was obvious who your supposed "visitor" was. "Did you tell him I'm busy?"

Charlie pursed her lips, looking down. Great, so that meant he was throwing a temper tantrum. And she wanted you to sort him out.

"Alright, fine," you pinched the bridge of your nose. "I'm coming." She was generous enough to let you stay, after all. The least you could do was clean up your messes.

When you finally reached the main floor, Vox and Alastor looked about two seconds away from clawing each other's faces off. Cyan blue electricity was sparking along Vox's entire body, and Alastor's shadows curled dangerously behind him, ready to attack at his call.

Seeing him made a hot fury like no other claw its way up your throat. "What the fuck are you doing here?" You growled lowly, balling your fists at your sides.

At the sound of your voice, Vox immediately broke away from Alastor, a giant smile spreading across his screen. "Sweetheart! There you are!"

You stormed up to him, grabbing his wrist and pulling him harshly into a corner. You let go of him once you were sufficiently out of earshot of the others, crossing your arms and leveling him with a furious glare. "You have five seconds to explain yourself."

"Okay, let's just calm down for a second here," he chuckled, but it was an empty sound. "Is it really that weird for me to want to check up on you? After all, you kind of just disappeared," his smile strained.

"Has it ever occurred to you that the reason you couldn't find me was because I don't want to see you?" You smiled sardonically, patience running thin.

"Uh, what?" He laughed, but his smile was frozen. "Why would you not want to see me?"

That was the last fucking straw. "Are you that fucking delusional, Vox?" You snapped, poking him harshly in the chest. "When I said I was done, I meant it. This," you gestured between the two of you. "Is over. I'm done."

Vox twitched, electricity sparking off sporadically from his antennae. He stared at you in stunned silence, his breathing starting to pick up speed as he processed your words. His eyes searched your face for any sign that you were being untruthful, and when he found none, he glanced up at the small crowd of residents and staff gathered, only to lock eyes with a smug Alastor.

Vox's screen glitched, his features twisting in a rage. "So you're replacing me with the radio fucker now, is that it?"

"Oh, really?" You narrowed your eyes. "Just like you replaced me with Valentino?"

"That's different," Vox gritted out.

"Is it?"

"Yes, for one, Val isn't some archaic cannibalistic fucker with a vendetta against me!"

"Who has the vendetta against who here? Cause it seems like you're the one who can't let things go." You watched him splutter on his bullshit for a few seconds before you shook your head in exasperation, the pounding pressure increasing at your temples. "Alright, that's it, we're done here. Get out."

"Y/n," he narrowed his eyes. "You need to think about this."

"Oh I've had plenty of time to think," you grabbed his tie, pulling him closer to bare your teeth menacingly. "Now get out before I put a goddamn virus in your software Vox!" Your face pixelated from rage at the end of your sentence. You let him go with a harsh shove.

For a long moment nobody spoke, a tense silence blanketing over the two of you. You glared at him venomously, chest still heaving from your outburst. And him, he was looking at you like he'd never seen you before. Good, you thought spitefully. It's finally getting through to him.

Vox's mouth hardened into a thin line, his sharp claws nearly drawing blood from his palms. "Why here?"

You closed your eyes. "It’s not a forever thing. I just—I need to be away from everything for a little while, okay?" Everything that we've built together. Reminders of you. "No flashy shit, no fast life, no technology—"

"You're an A.I. model," he said dully.

"Yeah well, you win some you lose some," you sighed, rubbing at your temples. "Look, I don't want to say it again. Leave Vox, I'm serious."

For a hot second, it looked like you were ripping his entire world apart and stomping on the broken pieces, the way he looked at you so lost, before he hastily pulled himself back together. "Fine," he spat out. It sounded like it physically hurt him to say it.

He lifted his chin, adjusted his lapels, and stormed out of the hotel, slamming the door so hard it blew straight off of its hinges, blue sparks of electricity still sizzling from it.

For a few seconds, a thick tension suffocated the room, as everyone took the time to process the shit show they'd just witnessed.

"Well, that was fun!" Alastor's cheery voice punctuated the silence. You glared at him tiredly.

***

If you thought that he would give up like you so nicely asked, you were sadly mistaken.

Turned out it was just a pre-game warm up for this asshole.

At least thrice a week, he made sure to fuck up your peace somehow. Last time it was spray painting the entire hotel electric blue (how, you didn't even want to know). The time before that, it was trying to sneak some of his peeping gadgets in through the window. And the time before that, it was putting your name up on every billboard in the goddamn city with a red heart next to it.

Now, you stood incredulously in front of half of the hotel. As in, the other half was missing. Blown off by a fucking missile. You couldn't make this shit up if you tried.

"What the fuck is going on?" You gritted out, before taking a deep, calming breath.

Vox's electric laughter rang out from a speaker of unknown source. You turned angrily to face the open air.

"Pathetic," he jeered. "You still want to shack up with these losers, Y/n?"

You shook your head slowly, laughing in disbelief. "Wow," you said sarcastically. "You really showed us, didn't you? Feel better about yourself now?"

You punctuated your sentence with a glare, before turning and storming towards the remaining half of the building.

Vox watched you from twenty different angles across his screens. The moment you turned your back, his wide, toothy grin dropped, eyes squeezing shut. He slammed mute on his microphone.

“FUCK!” He banged a fist on the table, breathing heavily. It had been two weeks already, and you still hadn’t come back to him. He was getting desperate now.

A quick glance at the screen showed Alastor’s glitching picture. The radio bastard snapped his fingers with a raised brow, the missing half of the hotel repairing itself instantly.

“Fucking show off,” Vox growled raggedly.

He needed to change tactics. And fast.

***

Nothing. He had nothing.

No plans, no blueprints, no smart and suave moves to get you back.

Every scenario he ran through his head would inevitably end with you walking away from him. If only he could hypnotize you like with everyone else—but you were a tech demon, just like him. More advanced, even. Your firewalls were just too strong.

Vox poured himself another glass of scotch, solemnly glaring up at the ceiling in frustration.

A clawed hand clasped his shoulder, making him grit his teeth.

“You’re looking a little tense, Cariño,” Valentino purred, trailing his fingers up Vox’s neck. “I can help with that~”

Vox shrugged him off, annoyed. “Not in the mood, Val.”

But Valentino was undeterred. “Is this about Y/n?” He murmured, knowing he hit the nail on the head when the other demon tensed considerably. “What’s so special about that bitch anyway, hm? Is it the pussy? You know I’ve got whores lined up for you, baby. Just say the word and—”

“Fuck off, Val!” Vox exploded, electricity sparking in his eye. “I don’t want just any random bitch from the street, okay?! I want Y/n. I want her back,” he spat miserably.

Valentino went silent, his face twisting into a cruel expression. “Don’t you understand?” He growled. “She left you. Betrayed you. And she’s not coming back, ever. The sooner you see that and stop wasting your time, the better.”

He turned away, his heels clacking against the marble floors until the double doors swung closed behind him.

Vox let out a frustrated yell, arcs of electricity shooting out from him and shattering his expensive collection of drinking glasses to smithereens.

***

A tap sounded at your window, making you tense.

Slowly you approached it, generating a pistol from your nanotech and holding it tightly to your chest. You peered out of the blinds, only to find your ex dangling from the window sill.

“Holy shit!” You screeched, jumping back.

“A lil’ help?” he grinned lazily, reaching out for you. You grasped his hand, hauling him inside of your room.

The unmistakably pungent scent of alcohol invaded your senses, making your wrinkle your nose.

“Jesus fucking Christ, are you drunk?” You dragged a hand down your face.

“No,” he hiccuped, shaking his head vehemently, which caused him to lose balance. You grabbed his shoulders, righting him before he fell and broke his screen.

“Oh yeah,” his face lit up in realization, before he reached behind him, pulling out a bouquet of slightly squashed roses. “For you,” he slurred, offering them proudly.

You looked at them in exasperation, before taking them gently from his hands. Bringing them up to your face, you closed your eyes, sniffing them slightly. A sweet floral scent filled your senses as you regarded them.

“They’re pretty,” you remarked quietly.

“Yeah,” he grinned, your eyes flickering up to catch his. “But you’re prettier.” At your lack of reaction, his grin faltered, and he looked down.

“I…” he started, swaying slightly. “I’m sorry.”

You closed your eyes, shaking your head. “Don’t do this.”

“Please come home,” he continued, expression drooping sorrowfully. He clasped your hand, looking up at you pleadingly. “I’ll…I’ll do better, I promise.”

The ache in your heart grew almost unbearable the more you looked at him, so you averted your gaze. “Why don’t you ever say that when you’re sober?”

Vox let go of your hand, sliding down the wall until he landed on his ass. “Scared,” he mumbled.

You crouched down in front of him, lifting his hanging head from his arms. “Of what?” You said gently.

His eyes flickered up to yours, and the raw emotion nearly stole your breath away. “You still won’t want me.”

“Vox…” You closed your eyes, pained.

“Come home,” he whispered hollowly. “Please.”

“You know I can’t do that,” you said thickly, swallowing the lump in your throat.

He looked at you sadly, but resigned. “Yeah, I know,” he lowered his screen back into his arms. “…miss you,” he trailed off quietly, before soft whistling snores could be heard.

You dropped your face in your hands, breathing raggedly. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. You had almost fucking caved.

After a moment to compose yourself, you searched his pockets, pulling out his phone (he didn’t even change his password) and dialing a familiar number.

“What the fuck do you want now, Vox?” An irritated feminine voice answered the line.

“Velvette,” you said cooly. “I need a favor.”

****

Part 2 —> Chapter Index

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cosmoeticss · 1 year

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Haven’t I Been Good to You? | Aemond Targaryen x Velaryon!Reader (18+)

my masterlist

Words: 2K

Pairing: Aemond Targaryen x Wife!Neice!Pregnant!Reader

Warnings: 18+ (minors dni), good old fashioned targcest, p n v, overall bad writing because I haven’t properly written in so long

Note: Reader is Rhaenyra’s heir/eldest daughter and the argument takes place after the dinner scene. I tried not to use any physical descriptors but those gorgeous targaryen platinum locks so I hope thats okay and you enjoy. Literally crawling in my skin right now because I’m about to post this, existing is an embarrassment, if you see this ily thank you for reading.

part two

Aemond was anything but cooled off when he returned to his marital chambers that night. He bound into the room, his displeasure from the night clear in his body language and his labored breathing. His wife sat stoically in front of her vanity, clad in only her night dress as she combed through the length of her silky, silver curls.

Aemond stared her down in disbelief as she barely acknowledged him. How could she honestly be angry with him? It was her bastard brothers who started the disagreement, who started the rivalry to begin with, who teased him their whole childhood and took his eye that fateful night on Driftmark. And here she sat, his wife, shoulders back and proud and angry with him.

Gods, she was beautiful when she was angry. If he didn't know her so well he wouldn't be able to tell. She was so serene and regal and surprisingly calm when she was upset. He often thought of how opposite they were in that sense. He thought of how hot tempered and quick to snap he was, and how she thought everything through before it slipped from her pretty lips. He envied this about her, and yet it was what he had loved most about her as well.

Aemond couldn't help it. He broke first. "Where are the children?" He inquired, steadying himself to the best of his ability.

She hardly gave him the time of day as she answered, her eyes not leaving her own reflection. "I've settled them into bed,” she said.

The Prince furrowed his brow. "Did you not think that I would wish to bid goodnight to my sons?"

"The hour is late. They've had their fill of excitement for the day, Husband."

Husband. Not her usual 'my dearest love,' not 'my darling.' He was in trouble far more than what he had bargained for. He eyed her in disbelief. "You're truly taking their side?"

She finally turned then, vast (e/c) eyes meeting his violet one. "There is no side to be taken, Aemond,” he hated her formality when they argued, "We are a family. We're supposed to be on the same side. Did you see how pleased the poor King was to see everyone finally getting along? Our mothers finally found some common ground after all of these years and yet you ruined an otherwise pleasant night with your wounded pride."

"My wounded pride?" he spat harshly, raising his voice at her. "Did you not see the way your beloved brother laughed as they sat a roasted pig in front of me? Or have you forgotten the torment I was subject to as a child? What do you expect to me to do, (Y/N)?"

She stood then, the silk of her long night dress accentuating her rounded stomach. "You are to be the Royal Consort one day, you will be King!" she scolded him sternly, silencing him. "I expect you to be the bigger person. I expect you to act with dignity and not meet the teasing of a child with the ferocity that you did tonight!"

Aemond softened at this, turning away from her to face the burning embers of the hearth. He did not retaliate, only moving to sit in a chair placed in front of it. He gripped the arms of the seat trying to calm himself, breathing deeply.

His wife watched him carefully. "It is not fair. I know it isn't," she swallowed, her eyes glazed over as she did. "I know that it angers you that I love my family after all my brothers have done to you, after what Lucerys has taken from you and I am sorry, Aemond. I truly am."

He was silent still, eye glued to the flames before him as if they were the most important thing in the room. "I cannot keep atoning for crimes I did not commit," her voice was almost pleading as she stepped closer to him then, slowly, testing the water carefully. When he did not retaliate, she kneeled on the floor in front of him. "I know that you would not have chosen me to wed on our own, dear husband."

Her hands reached out to take his, and he allowed it, watching down the bridge of his nose as his wife gently held his hands in her small ones and brought them both to her lips, kissing them tenderly and repeatedly. "We have been honest and good to each other in these near seven years as man and wife, though," she stated, eyes wide and pleading as she rested her chin on his knee. "Have I not been a good to you?"

"You have," Aemond's voice cracked, his eyes fluttering shut at her soft inquisition. He breathed deeply, removing one of his hands from hers and carding it through her beautiful hair. “My love.”

"I have given you my body, mind, and soul. I have given you my virtue, and my fidelity. My heart has only ever belonged to you," she whispered as her husbands tensity began to dissolve between her nimble fingers and lips. Her soft kisses continuing slowly up his arm. "I have bore you two beautiful, healthy boys. Boys that will be Kings and Warriors one day, and I carry another inside me."

The air was stolen from her as Aemond halted her pecking and surged forward, lifting her swiftly from the stone floor to straddle his lap as if she weighed nothing. She gazed down at him, moving to gently remove her husbands eye patch. He hadn't minded the action for years now, as it was a bother to wear and his pretty wife had never judged his appearance or what he had lost all those years ago. She set the patch on the end table next to them, not taking her eyes off of him as her hands slid up his shoulders and found their home at his jawline. Her thumbs moved in slow circles on his face.

"I have given you power," he whimpered at this, gripping the soft meat of her thighs. "Outside the walls of this chamber you are my equal, and one day we will rule the Seven Kingdoms side by side, however we see fit to."

"Yes," he groaned hoarsely, continuing his kneading at her thighs, sitting up to press his lips to her throat, leaving hot opened mouth kisses down her neck to the swell of her breasts as he detangled the strings of her shift, baring her supple chest to him.

"You would like that wouldn't you, My King?" Aemond growled in agreement, continuing his ravishing as she slipped her fingers to the base of his neck and weaved them into his hair, gripping it tightly. "And in this room, you will rule me as you see fit."

"If that we're true then I would bound you to our bed, little wife," he sank his teeth delicately into the flesh of her breast, tongue swirling against the skin, causing her head to snap back in pleasure and a breathy moan to fall from her lips. "You would never leave these chambers. Who would be left to rule if I'm buried inside this sweet cunt for all of our lives, hmm?"

"You have many years before we are crowned for me to ride you, my dragon. And I plan to mount you morning and night,” she grinding into him, their lips meeting finally in a messy kiss. "Surely you'll tire of bedding me by then."

"Never," he pressed his forehead to hers, their breathing hot as he moved a large slender hand to cover her swollen stomach. "I enjoy no sight more than your belly swollen with our children."

She rutted her hips against his once more, her weeping cunt begging for friction. "Please, my dearest love"

"I wonder how the realm would feel if they knew the truth of their precious Princess?" he smirked as she fucked herself on his covered length. "If they knew how she begged for me each night? How wet she gets without me even having to touch her."

"Aemond, please," she wined.

"You wish to ride your dragon, my Queen?" he began hiking up her night dress to rest on her hips.

She panted at his movements, so tender, so achingly slow and teasing. "Yes," she whimpered.

He cocked his brow at her. "What's stopping you? Claim me then."

She didn't have to be told twice. Her trembling hands moved frantically to the strings of his pants, unfastening them and pulling them down to his thighs. He hissed as she took his length into her hand, stroking it sweetly before he lifted her hips and guided her to sink down on him. Her eyes screwed shut, crying out in pleasure as she adjusted to the size of him. Neither of them moved for a moment, their breathing tense and labored.

Aemond brushed a lock of hair out of his wife's face, her forehead falling to meet his as he cradled her head with his hand. "Alright?"

"Mhm," she hummed needily, bracing herself as her hands dropped to his shoulders. Aemond's free hand moved to cover the swell of her stomach, a lazy grin forming on his lips, before finding it's way to her hips once more, helping to roll them against his. Aemond cursed, his jaw going slack as his wife unraveled above him. Once she found her footing, she picked up her pace, bobbing up and down steadily, her finger nails curling into his shoulders. His hips snapped up to meet hers, and she cried out, his name tumbling from her lips like a prayer. Something came undone in him at the sound, his hands were everywhere then, cupping her full breasts, wrapped around her throat, sinking into her thighs. He was pawing at her like she would disappear if he let go for one second, grunting like a wild animal as he rutted against her.

"So good," he captured her lips in a searing kiss, all tongue and teeth clashing. "So pretty and all mine."

She babbled something nonsensical in appraisal, her heat clenching around his cock as he worshipped her, their movements becoming sloppy as they approached their peak. "I'm so close."

"Say you love me," he demanded, fingers making their way to her pearl as he toyed with it, causing her to squeak at the touch. "Tell me again that you're mine and mine alone."

"Please," she panted, whimpering as he fucked into her relentlessly, hitting her sweet spot with each thrust. "IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou."

Aemond's fingers were torture, slow and taunting. "Say it." "I'm yours," she cried out. "Only yours. Please--"

"Let go," he permitted, following close behind as she toppled over the edge, back arching and eyes rolling back as she was overcome with pleasure. They were still, chests heaving and hot breath mingling as they came down from their shared orgasm. Her nimble fingers tangled into his hair, brushing it away from his sweat soaked neck. He fell back into the chair, pulling her close and wrapping his arms around her. "I would've chosen you," he broke the silence after a long moment. She lifted her head slightly to look him in the eye, confusion evident as if she had not registered what he said. "When you said that you weren't the wife I would have chosen for myself. If I had been presented with a choice, I would've chosen you."

Her gaze softened at the sincerity and raw emotion flickering in his eye. "Then choose me now. Choose our family," she gripped his shirt tightly, pleading with him. "Love me more than you hate them."

Aemond sighed deeply, covering her hands with his. "I do love you. More than anything."

"Then promise you will try." Neither wanted to admit what they both knew, that even if he did, it was too late. The King's health dwindled more and more by the day, and the wounds cut between the Greens and the Blacks were too old and too deep for even their love to heal. The time was coming where they would have to choose. War was looming and their last chance at peace had slipped through their fingers like flowing water. So they didn't, and chose in silence to carry on pretending while they still could.

Aemond cupped her face gently, and pulled her into a soft, sweet kiss. "I promise," he whispered, the sweetest of lies, and he met her lips again in a more fervent kiss.

And she let herself hope, she let her self believe, just a little while longer.

#aemond targaryen #aemond targaryen imagine #aemond imagine #Aemond Targaryen fanfic #aemond x velaryon!reader #hotd aemond #aemond x y/n #aemond targaryen x reader #aemond x reader #house of the dragon #house of the dragon fanfic #house of the dragon imagine #hotd #hotd imagine #ewan mitchell

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misc-obeyme · 5 months

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Lesson 36 spoilers below, including the locked lesson & hard lesson...

Sorry it's a little screenshot heavy but there was a lot happening in this lesson and I was having a lot of feelings. I think I screenshotted my way through the whole thing lol.

SO. MUCH. LORE.

We got so much lore!??!?!

Things I'm freaking out about:

Mephisto's whole lecture about the underworld and its rings

the fact that trains were seen as commoner's transportation 'cause they were used by demons who couldn't fly

SOLOMON (as if he wasn't hot enough) walking through all the rings of the underworld

Solomon just kinda laughing about it and then agreeing that it's really just a tourist attraction now???? THAT'S THE UNDERWORLD YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

He talks about the city of Dis which is straight up from the Divine Comedy. Does this mean Dante has been their resource all along?! That could explain Diavolo's Italian name...

Because he also talks about Minos who also made an appearance in the Divine Comedy... I'm just sayin!!

They said they're taking Lucifer to Cocytus?!? (Which is also in... you guessed it, the Divine Comedy. Where it's stated to be the home of traitors.)

Isn't that the same thing as the River of Lamentation?!?!

What're they gonna do, drown him???

Okay okay my list should have ended several bullet points ago.

(Though on that last one, if they're going full Dante, then they'll bury him in ice instead.)

ANYWAY.

Mephisto buying all those sweets for his little brother was the cutest thing ever. He needs to stop being precious. I was resisting so well and then he had to go and be a good brother and also be concerned about MC and ask if they were all right and yeah he's annoying but it's kind of endearing too....????

This whole part where he was just asking MC questions & worrying about them being hurt. STOP THAT. This is exactly the kind of thing I live for, you're doing on purpose, aren't you??

You are not supposed to care!

I warned you before to stop making me like you...

THAT'S IT. HE'S A KEEPER.

Also do you think that when they say commoners are demons that can't fly... are they saying that demons with wings are the only ones that can be nobles? Or are they saying demons with enough power to fly whether that's with wings or not? Because isn't Barbatos actually like a duke or something? Are you really gonna tell me that guy is a commoner? Even if he does work as a butler... maybe it doesn't count 'cause he can portal himself around?

But also! We know Mephisto is a noble so does this mean his demon form has wings? I thought for sure they were going to go with a tail.

BUT ALSO ALSO do the bros not count? They should all be nobles, but they clearly aren't, but they also aren't commoners? Maybe they're neither 'cause they're fallen angels? And we know three of them have tails, so...? I'M CONFUSED ABOUT HOW THIS WORKS.

Okay, sorry I'm getting off on a bit of a tangent here. There's just so much info that we suddenly got in this lesson about the world! And while I've been wanting more such stuff, I was hoping it would clarify some things not make things more confusing.

So anyway, there's a whole lot of underworld which they've mentioned before but only briefly, so it was cool to get more info on that!

Don't worry, Luci. MC has to travel through time as well as space and I don't think a trip through the underworld is going to cut it. I like it when you compliment Solomon, though.

I don't know how to tell you guys that the idea of Solomon walking through the underworld and laughing about it later makes me insane. So I'm just telling you straight out. I'm insane about it.

Are we still talking about the underworld? Because when I hear "tourist attraction" I tend to think of things like the world's largest ball of twine, not playing chess with Minos, Judge of the Damned.

That whole phone conversation with him was just so good. I know I recently wrote a whole post about him being sus and he still is because it's him, but do not misunderstand me because I love that man. I love his cute little laugh that he always does.

Then again, he's clearly terrible at lying. Good at just not saying stuff maybe, but lying directly? I'm not so sure...

So anyway, Lucifer's gonna be executed, huh? I like how both he and Mephi were like nope Diavolo is gonna fix this. They have such unwavering faith in him, it's precious.

Also, I LOVED THIS ENTIRE PART.

Lucifer saying he knows? He knows, but this is home now for him and his brothers? And then MEPHISTO coming right back with then you should understand why MC wants to go home??

I was not expecting Mephistopheles to understand and be concerned about MC wanting to go home like that. It wasn't something like yeah you should go home you're a human and don't belong here. He didn't say anything like that at all. It was just immediately like you must miss your family. Mephisto confirmed family man!

HARD LESSON: Solomon was being a complete menace. He locked Lucifer's brothers in a room??? What's he gonna make them do!? Eat his cooking?? No, he gives his cooking to people because he loves them and wants to make them happy. So it can't be that. My mind... it goes to dangerous places... why did they have to cut off the lesson without telling us what Solomon's intentions were??

...

I wouldn't mind being locked in that room with them all, though.

Please take this selection of screenshots of him being insufferable with that cute lil smile on his face.

To be fair, he's not wrong... it was pretty funny.

I CAN'T.

Also in the LOCKED LESSON: Barbatos my true love. This whole interaction was amazing. Simeon and Luke are so cute. Diavolo clearly doesn't know Lucifer super well yet and it's so adorable watching him figure it out. And now he's all like Barbatos how can I fix this? And Barb is just like sorry it's too late. LOL he's so strict.

Dadbatos mode activated.

Luke my sweet baby angel, never change!

Diavolo's sad face is so cute, I don't know how Barb ever manages to resist it. I'd just give in to everything he ever wanted all the time. I also love how he is straight up calling Barb mean lol.

They both look so serious. Cut him some slack, Barb!

And lastly, I only wish to leave you with this:

Everybody knows nobody can make tea as good as Barbatos does. Not even Lucifer.

Don't be angry, Luci. You're no Barbatos, but I'm sure your tea is delicious.

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canirove · 4 months

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My neighbour Rúben | Chapter 1

Summary: Have you ever watched this movie Scarlett Johansson and Chris Evans did before Marvel called “The Nanny Diaries”? It's about a girl, Scarlett's character, who finds herself working as a nanny for a very rich family, and Chris happens to be her hot and very cute neighbour. And something very similar is what has happened to me, neighbour included. Though in my case, mine is very cute and very hot. And handsome. The most handsome man I have ever seen. And his name is Rúben.

Author's note: This story has been finished and waiting in my drafts since 2022. I wrote it as a new and different version of "The Nanny Diaries" (my story with Ben Chilwell) because I didn't like it, and then I ended not liking this one either 🙈 But time passed, I read it again recently, thought it was cute… And here we are, having now both of them posted when they weren't supposed to 😅 I hope you like it, and as always, thank you for reading! 💜

Next chapter

Masterlist

Have you ever watched this movie Scarlett Johansson and Chris Evans did before Marvel called “The Nanny Diaries”? It's about a girl, Scarlett's character, who finds herself working as a nanny for a very rich family with a spoiled kid and Chris is her hot and very cute neighbour. And something very similar is what has happened to me, but let's start from the beginning.

My entire life was designed to achieve one goal: become the best piano player in the country. Or in the continent if my father got too excited. And since I can remember, I've been glued to one.

While my friends were going out to the park, I was going to my teacher's house to practice. While my friends were meeting to go shopping or watch a movie at the cinema, I was practicing. While my friends were going out clubbing and meeting boys and girls, I was going early to bed because I had practice in the morning. And while my friends were choosing a career path they liked and enjoyed and moving to different cities all around the country, I only had one option: playing the piano and moving to Manchester, where the best teacher lived.

The weather sucks, yes. But it isn't such an ugly city as they say, and all the people I met were lovely and very welcoming. Unless you are fighting with them for a spot on the next recital or to get the next scholarship. That's when things get nasty, and that's how you end up with broken fingers and the dreams your parents had for you shattered. Because becoming the best piano player of my generation wasn't my dream, it was theirs. Or my father’s to be precise.

So when Anastasia Hamilton pushed me down the stairs and I found myself with two broken fingers on my left hand, a sprained ankle and my body covered in bruises, I didn't complain. Well, that's a lie. I complained and cried because it hurt like hell. But I didn't complain when they told me I wouldn't be able to play the piano like I used to due to one of my fingers not healing properly despite being treated by the best doctors. I didn't complain because I was finally free. If I wanted to play, I would be doing it because I wanted to, not because it was my job, because I had to, because my future depended on it. Now I was free to finally follow my dreams and not my parents’. Or that's what I thought.

I told them I wanted to take a gap year to figure out what to do with my life, but they said no. They had decided that I should study to become a music teacher, to help others achieve what I hadn't been able to. We argued, they said that if I wanted to do anything different it would not be with their money, I said ok, and I found myself alone in Manchester with barely any money or a place to live.

And that's when I crossed paths with Julia.

I had gone to the shopping centre to see if anyone was looking for a waitress or someone to fold t-shirts in a shop, when I saw her crying in the middle of one of the corridors, most people walking past her and ignoring her.

"Hey, are you ok?" I said, kneeling in front of her. "Where are your parents?"

"Quiero a mi mamá" she sobbed. That was why people were ignoring her. She only spoke Spanish and they didn't understand her. But, lucky me, I used to go to the north of Spain for music summer camp and I can speak it fluently.

"¿Dónde está tu mamá?" Where is your mum?

"No lo sé. Estaba comprando una taza fea y..." Her mum was buying an ugly mug. I couldn't help but laugh at that.

"Ok, let’s go find her.” Where we were most shops only sold clothes, but I remembered I had just walked past a Zara Home. Maybe she was there? "Come" I said, grabbing her hand. She didn't say a word and just followed me, her sobs turning into hiccups.

"Julia!" a woman screamed the moment we turned the corner. "Oh, Julia, I thought I had lost you!"

"Mami!" the kid said, letting go of my hand and throwing herself at the woman. "Me perdí y esta chica me ayudó."

"Did you help her?" the woman asked me.

"I saw her crying and that people were ignoring her, and I decided to check on her. She was speaking Spanish and I think that's why most people were walking past her, because they weren't able to understand her."

"Oh, she always does that when she gets upset. Do you speak Spanish?"

"Yup."

"Oh, you are an angel" the woman said, hugging her daughter a bit tighter. "I don't know how I'm gonna be able to thank you."

"Knowing that she's alright is enough, don’t worry."

"No, no, no. You must allow me to do something for you. What do you say, Julia. Should we invite this wonderful angel to have lunch with us?"

"Yes!" Julia said, her English coming back. "We'll bake you a chocolate cake! Do you like chocolate cake?"

"I actually do, yes" I smiled.

"Then it's settled. Let me give you my card, it has my office phone number on it" Julia's mum said, opening her bag. "Call tomorrow morning and we'll schedule that lunch together."

"Ok. Thank you."

"Thank you" the woman said, giving me a hug. "My name us Lucía, by the way. But you can call me Lucy like everyone in this country does."

"Nice to meet you, Lucy."

Lucía, Lucy. A Spanish lawyer specialized in divorces, and the divorces of very wealthy people. Which meant that when I arrived at her house for that lunch date, I found myself before one of the most expensive apartment buildings in the city.

"Are you coming in, miss?" the doorman asked.

"Yes, hi, sorry. Do I have to tell you where I'm going or..."

"You don't look like a thief" the man chuckled.

"I'm not, I promise. I'm meeting with Lucy and Julia."

"Oh, yes. Miss Julia said a friend was coming for lunch today. An angel."

"That must be me" I said, blushing a bit.

"Then welcome, miss" the man said, opening the building's door. "Do you know their floor number?"

"Yes, the 7th. Letter B."

"That’s the one. Call for the lift and push the number, their house will be the one to your right."

"Thank you very much, sir."

"My pleasure, miss" the man said with a smile. Roger. The loveliest man you'll ever meet.

"So glad you could make it" Lucy said after opening the door, giving me a hug.

"Angel!" Julia screamed, coming to also hug me. "You came!"

"Of course I did."

"She’s decided to start calling you angel because of what I said at the shopping centre. I hope you don’t mind.”

“It’s fine, don’t worry" I smiled.

“Come, let me show you my room" Julia said, grabbing my hand and forcing me to follow her.

After a tour around the house and its many rooms, we were back in the living room, one where the small flat I was renting thanks to some money my grandparents had been sending me without my parents knowing, could perfectly fit.

"Is that a real piano?" I asked Julia.

"It's daddy's" she said. "We used to play together."

"That's lovely." My dad never played with me just for fun. It always was about practice, practice... And oh, yes, more practice.

"Do you play?" Lucy asked me.

"Since I was Julia's age."

"Oh, that's wonderful! Why don't you play something for us while we wait for our food?"

"Sure" I said, sitting in front of the huge black piano. It was a very expensive one like everything else on that building.

"Daddy used to play that!" Julia said when she recognized the song. "Hey Jude, don't make it bad... Mami, why are you crying?" she asked her when we finished.

"Because it was beautiful, sweetheart. And you play so well" Lucy told me. "Have you ever thought about giving lessons?"

"Not really..."

"Julia started to take them a few months ago, but her teacher... Had other things to do, so now she doesn't have one. Would you like to take her place?"

"Me?"

"Yes, angel! Be my teacher!" Julia said, clapping her hands and jumping.

That was what my parents had wanted me to do. To become a teacher. I wasn't going to be doing it at the music school, but this still was teaching, right? And I liked Lucy and Julia a lot despite only knowing them for just a few hours.

"I'll do it" I said. "I'll be Julia's teacher."

"Oh, perfect!" Lucy smiled. "When can you start?"

"Whenever you want. I have nothing else to do" I shrugged.

"Then tomorrow. I have to work, so maybe you could pick up Julia from school, bring her here and start your lessons? I'll pay you for that extra time."

"Ok" I nodded.

I had found a job, one that I liked, and one that was going to pay me handsomely judging by the numbers Lucy had mentioned while doing a draft of my contract.

I was so busy thinking about all that, checking the details she had given me about Julia's school, that I hadn’t noticed the lift had made it to the lobby and the doors were open.

“Are you going up again?” a male voice said.

“Uh?” I replied, lifting my eyes from my phone. And what did they see? The most handsome man you could ever imagine.

“Are you going up again?” he repeated.

“I…” I had forgotten how to speak. I may have not been wearing an ugly costume like Scarlett in one of the scenes where she met Chris Evans, but I had my jaw on the floor and definitely was making a fool of myself. “No” I finally managed to say.

“So… are you leaving, then?” he asked, trying to hide a smile.

“Yes” I said, still looking at him. Was he real? He was real. When he stopped the lift’s door from closing again, taking a step forward towards me, I saw that he was very real. “Thank you. Sorry. I’m leaving” I blurted out, my brain finally remembering how speaking worked. Kind of.

“It’s ok” he replied with a smile. No, not a smile. A smirk. One that made everything inside me turn upside down. “Bye” he said, walking inside the lift and letting go of the doors, disappearing behind them while I just stared. He must have thought I was stupid. A creep. Or both. But what else are you supposed to do when you find yourself face to face with the hottest man in planet earth?

“Miss, are you alright?” I heard Roger say from the door.

“Yes, yes. Just… Processing what just happened. That I got a job, I mean” I quickly added, noticing how he was arching an eyebrow, his eyes moving to the lift.

“Oh, those are great news, miss. Congratulations.”

“Thank you. I guess you’ll be seeing more of me from now on.”

And hopefully, I would be seeing more of him too. Of the hot neighbour, my own Chris Evans. Though later on I would find out that his name wasn’t Chris, that would have been too much of a coincidence.

His name was Rúben.

#ruben dias #ruben dias fanfic #ruben dias imagine #football fanfic #football imagine

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takeme-totheworld · 4 months

Text

Aziraphale and Forgiveness, Pt 1: Not Just A Word

This series is now complete! Here's where you can find the other parts.

Part 2 here. Part 3 here. Part 4 here.

There are a lot of aspects to Aziraphale’s character that, when I first watched the show, I vibed with immediately without really thinking too hard about why. He just made deep emotional sense to me as a character. It wasn’t until I waded into the fandom that I realized how much metaphorical ink was being spilled over the question “Why does Aziraphale do the things he does?”

I would always think, “Well, that’s obvious, isn’t it?” but then find that I didn’t really have the words to explain why I thought it was obvious. It was just this ongoing feeling of “Well sure, that’s exactly the kind of thing I did/would have done as a born-and-raised evangelical teenager.” But then I would try to articulate the actual reasons younger-me would have had for doing the thing (and by extension, what I assumed Aziraphale’s reasons were) and immediately fumble because I hadn’t thought it through that far.

One of these elements of his character is his whole deal about forgiveness. Why is he always telling Crowley he forgives him or wishing for God to forgive him? Why is forgiveness one of his favorite things? Why is this such a prominent theme with his character?

(Me: Well, that’s obvious, isn’t it? Everyone else: What do you mean? Me: …uhhh well I definitely mean something, but yes, good question!)

So here’s my attempt at actually using my words to explain why I find this aspect of his character extremely relatable and realistic from an ex-religious-fundie perspective. And it's going to be in multiple parts because I have way too much to say.

The main point I want to make in this first part is that Aziraphale, like Crowley, has a ton of emotional baggage around the subject of forgiveness.

I see a lot of people ask things like "Why isn't Aziraphale more sensitive to the fact that forgiveness is an emotional hot button for Crowley, who fell?" And that's a fair question! But it's very clear to me whenever I watch the show that forgiveness is also an emotional hot button for Aziraphale, or else he wouldn't keep bringing it up. As with many of the things both characters have issues around, though, with Aziraphale it's less straightforward and less on the surface because of the amount of denial and rationalization his character runs on.

I think it's important to start here, because I firmly believe that when he expresses forgiveness:

He's not saying it glibly or meaninglessly.

He's not saying it because he's an angel and it's part of the brand/that's what angels are "supposed" to say.

He's not saying it because he's feeling smug and self-satisfied*.

He's not saying it because he's trying to put himself above the person he's forgiving.

He's saying it because forgiveness means something important to him, something very emotionally loaded and complicated.

*For the record, Aziraphale is 100% a smug, self-satisfied, holier-than-thou bastard sometimes. Exhibit A:

Seriously. Look at how pleased with himself he is while he gives Crowley that little speech about evil containing the seeds of its own destruction. This is Aziraphale being a smug bastard. (I say that with affection. It's one of my favorite Aziraphale moments. But he's totally talking shit here.)

But compare that to these:

Look at his face. He is not feeling pleased with himself (or anything) in these moments. I'm too low-tech to mess with video clips but it's the same with his tone of voice, which ranges from somber to devastated depending on the specific scene. Aziraphale brings up forgiveness when he's experiencing significant emotional distress.

This is already super long so I'm going to end this part here and start digging into what I think his specific damage is about forgiveness in the next post. But I wanted to start here because I've seen the take "Aziraphale is being a superior holier-than-thou prick when he forgives Crowley" several times.

(ETA: I’ve also seen the more positive take, “Aziraphale is just saying I love you the way an angel would,” and I also disagree with this because I don’t think it’s anywhere near that simple. But I digress.)

On the “superior holier-than-thou prick” interpretation: (1) Michael Sheen's acting choices in these scenes don't bear that out at all, and (2) as someone who was raised in a very toxic religious community from which I inherited a lot of Extremely Complicated Feelings about forgiveness that I'm still grappling with...I immediately saw a kindred spirit in Aziraphale in these moments.

Is it an ill-advised thing to say to Crowley of all people, especially that last time? Obviously. But is he being purposely cutting with his words when he says it? I think not.

Stay tuned for Part 2! I plan to write the next part about divine punishment and mercy in Good Omens, how powerless all the angels and demons in this world really are, and the beliefs Aziraphale has developed (especially about forgiveness) to cope with it all.

#good omens #good omens meta #character analysis #aziraphale #forgiveness #i forgive you

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leclerc-s · 6 months

Text

nonsense

series masterlist

liked by maxverstappen1, danielricciardo, daphnejones and others

maejones got peer pressured into telling the world who nonsense is about. if you’re my sister or daniel, ignore this post. i’m begging you. remain oblivious as to who the song is about.

tagged:maxverstappen1

view all comments

danielricciardo maeve! what the hell is this? (i love the song, don’t tell your sister)

↳ daphnejones this is a public instagram comment section.

↳ maejones that's not my name

user14 oh so his dick is good

user21 so max is winning on and off track

charles_leclerc i could’ve gone my whole life without knowing who this song is about.

baileywinters you look hot babe. dump your boyfriend and date me instead.

↳ landonorris i exist you know, your boyfriend?

↳ baileywinters hi babe, please ignore my previous comment, i was only joking (no, i wasn't)

↳ landonorris i can also see that comment

↳ user59 i love this couple right here

user35 are we just gonna skip over the fact that these two are together again?

↳ user48 right?! talk about hard launch!

daphnejones i didn't need to know this about your love life mae. somethings are better kept a secret. also, when the hell did you two get back together?

↳ maejones calm down ms. 'only bought this dress so you could take it off'

↳ isabellaperez she wrote 'do the girls back home and touch you like i do' and wants to get you in trouble for 'said you like my eyes and you like to make 'em roll.'

↳ rowantodd the line 'i know heaven's a thing, i go there when you touch me, honey' exists daphne

↳ danielricciardo need i remind you, of 'carved your name into my bedpost, cause i don’t want you like a best friend'

↳ landonorris clearly only she's allowed to be horny in her songs. also maejones don't write about my best friend like that ever again.

↳ user24 they really came for daphne, save it for the group chat guys.

alex_albon WHEN DID YOU TWO GET BACK TOGETHER? HELLO?!

↳ maejones hi alex!!

georgerussell63 i refuse to believe that my favorite song on the album is about max verstappen.

bradleywillsimpson can’t believe people thought the song was about me when max verstappen exists

↳ maejones right? why would i write a song about you, one of my best friends?

↳ bradleywillsimpson i’ve got nothing on max verstappen but i'm also offended that you don't see yourself writing a song about me? you wrote seven, for max, and you weren't dating?

↳ maejones that's different because we dated. you and i never did.

user87 mae saw people saying the song was about bradley, dylan, and shawn and said, "hell no, let me set the record straight."

alex albon I FEEL LIKE IM THE ONLY ONE LOSING MY SHIT? WHEN DID THEY GET BACK TOGETHER?

george russell FAMILY MEETING NOW! DON’T YOU TWO DARE GHOST US RIGHT NOW!! SOMEONE TELL ME NONSENSE ISN'T ABOUT MAX! I'VE BEEN SINGING THAT SONG FOR MONTHS!

daphne jones when the hell did you two get back together? and why weren't we informed of this?

max verstappen oh look at that christian's called me for a very important meeting and my phone needs to be shut off

isabella perez fucking liar, i'm literally sitting next to my uncle, who's laughing at a tiktok my sister sent him. daniel ricciardo so a liar and a coward, what's new?

mae jones in our defense, you guys just never asked

alex albon we were supposed to know you two were on speaking terms again? max verstappen daniel knew

daniel ricciardo oh shit! what the fuck max?!

daphne jones you knew? and you didn't say anything?! how could you? natalia ruiz this is betrayal in the worst form daniel.

bailey winters i would pay good money to know what jos thinks of a song mae wrote while being horny over max

mae jones i’m and i quote, ‘a fucking distraction for his son’ max verstappen the best distraction lando norris ugh love, gross dulce perez don't you, i don't know, have a girlfriend?

penelope trevino don't you people, i don't know, have jobs?

carlos sainz ignore her, she hasn't been properly caffinated yet carlos sainz she gets snarky when she's sleepy mae jones penny! what is your honest opinion of nonsense?! have i hit mayores status? penelope trevino i cannot believe the words that just came out of your mouth. you are a child. but yes on the horny scale it's close to mayores.

lewis hamilton i feel like we shouldn’t be encouraging this behavior.

max verstappen you’re just mad no one has written a song about you lewis hamilton i apologize for viewing you two as those idiot teenagers i met years ago. i’m telling seb. george russell the fatherly duties fall onto you and nando, stop involving seb!

sebastian vettel this is the crap i had to deal with everyday. have fun dealing with them

fernando alonso don't retire. i beg. the least you could've done was take some of them with you. sebastian vettel i'm taking my daughter with me? lewis hamilton bullshit as long as mick is in the mercedes garage she'll be here

alex albon i could've gone my whole life without the words, 'said you like my eyes and you like to make 'em roll.' being written about max verstappen

esteban ocon just when i had gotten over dress being about daniel, mae tells us nonsense is about max. i'm sorry max but i won't be able to look you in the eyes for at least a month

lando norris i’m afraid this will be the only thing max will be asked about at the next confrence

isabella perez my uncle is traumatized and so is christian

max verstappen YOU PLAYED IT FOR CHRISTIAN? isabella perez of course it's my duty as the youngest red bull team member to embarrass you and my uncle

alex albon LOL GUESS WHO WILLIAMS INVITED AS A GUEST FOR THE MIAMI GP???

george russell if you say some stupid shit like the rock i'm going to punch you alex albon IT RHYMES WITH CLUCK!

isabella perez red bull will be blasting nonsense, i'll make sure of it

carlos sainz as will ferrari george russell cluck boy will never know peace as long as we're around lando norris i think we're all in agreement to blasting nonsense? yuki tsunoda yes, we are. charles leclerc that has been the most intimidating threat towards cluck i've ever seen

pierre gasly yuki could beat him

lewis hamilton in a race right? lewis hamilton right? pierre gasly sure we'll go with that

maejones posted a new story

moments before disaster with max *queue isabella playing nonsense on a loop*

¡leclerc-s speaks! i don't even know what inspired this 😃. this is a complete 180 turn from seven, i apologize for this dumpster-fire. but anyways FERRARI DIDN'T LET US DOWN FOR ONCE! LET'S ENJOY THIS MOMENT WHILE WE CAN!

¡disclaimer! this is in no way making assumptions about the people involved in this story, this is all fake. it is a fanfiction please don't take any of what is said seriously. this is all for entertainment purposes and as a creative outlet for me. enjoy!

#leclerc-s #the honest series #max verstappen #max verstappen x female oc #formula 1 #formula 1 fic #fanfic #fanfiction #f1 #f1 smau #f1 social media au #f1 instagram au #f1 fic

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bengiyo · 3 months

Note

Hi, what's your 30 favorite Asian BL characters from dramas or series you've watched? (unless you don't have that many) Thanks.

Nonnie, respectfully, that's just too many characters to write about. However, I have written about The Knowing and why I identify with those characters, and I've written about Framboise, one of my favorite characters of all time.

However, now is as good a time as any to join @lurkingshan and @waitmyturtles in reaffirming my love for Dynamite!

In her post, Turtles talked about how Dynamite and Fire are products of internalized and externalized homophobia. Shan went on in her post to talk about how their story works because of how Fire shifts as he becomes comfortable with himself and his relationship with Dynamite.

I think part of why I feel so protective with it comes to Dynamite and his friends is that I care so much for fem gay men and the kinds of visible queers that don't get loved, especially when they're assertive about themselves. It was always obvious to me why Dynamite, Prem, and Samsee were together. They're all lonely queers who don't expect others to love them or take care of them.

I've noticed over the last decade that fandom really struggles with friend groups like these. It was somewhat similar with the SCOY quartet on the front end, especially Toh. I often wonder if there is a component of visible queerness or gender play that doesn't reach sections of the audience. However, as a gay man who is loved and protected by queers like this, these are my best friends. You've heard my best friend on @the-conversation-pod when David guests, and he is one of those queers. He is a fighter. I am not.

Prem and Samsee clearly know Dynamite's story. The crux of why Samsee is upset with Dynamite at the end of episode 9 and going into episode 10 is because he felt like he should have been trusted with something important about Dynamite. Samsee is the kind of man who is like Whoopi Goldberg: He doesn't want people in his house. However, he opens his door for Dynamite when he loses his apartment, and keeps letting him live there even when he's pissed. Samsee believes in his friends and loves them. Dynamite is the de facto leader of their friend group because they love and trust him. Dynamite is more than just his persistent attraction to Fire.

Dynamite likes Fire because Fire protected him from what clearly reads as a bashing. Dynamite has been thinking about that for years, and toughened himself up because of white Fire inspired in him.

We also know that Dynamite lost his parents to homophobia. You don't get a queer like Dynamite if they're loved and supported by the people who were supposed to do it. You get this when he's loved and supported by the people who chose him. I keep my guest room ready because we sometimes have to take care of a friend in the local community.

When Fire gets serious about Jane and weird about Dynamite, he backs off, forcing Fire to come after him. He knows that Fire is also into him, but he isn't going to be jerked around. It's the sincerity of Dynamite's attraction that makes Metha force Fire to reckon with how he's suppressing who he is.

More than anything, it's that Fire admits this to himself when he can't put up the front anymore. Dynamite is so important to me because so many of us who were closeted are like Fire. We pretend like we don't like gay men chasing us, like Intouch chasing Korn in UWMA, and then we lose them! You will lose confident gays like Dynamite if you treat them like shit and keep calling them annoying. Their friends will call you DL trash and you will not be invited out.

I just love Dynamite so much. He is the kind of gay character I love the most in BL. He's a kinda fem gay man who is earnestly pursuing his hot, super fit love interest. He has the support of his visibly-queer friends. He knows what he wants out of his relationship. He supports his partner through a major difficulty while still being clear about what he wants as secondary to his partner's safety. He is passionate about his goals, and wants to succeed with his friends (I ugly cried about their dish narrative in episode 10).

We have a fully-realized queer character surrounded by complex, layered queer characters. His story and those of his friends are about queer love making people's lives better. He will always be a favorite, and I really hope the people in the audience who've struggled with him can find more ways to appreciate him.

#answered #cooking crush #cooking crush meta #ben writes

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urmommysbathroom · 1 month

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Earned It, Chris Sturniolo

Summary: Y/n was teasing Chris all night while they were having dinner with their friends. Chris isn't very pleased with this... so he takes his frustration at one way or another.

Warnings: Smut (obvsly) dom!Chris, sub!reader, p in v, teasing, build up to the actual smut.

A/u: this is my first story I've posted on her and I'm TERRIFIED.

Based of Earned It by The Weeknd

It was around 6 pm and me and Chris were getting ready for a dinner date with some friends.

I purposefully put on the red lace set and a very skimpy red dress that I knew drove him crazy.

I’m sitting at the desk doing my makeup when he comes up behind me and places a small, quick kiss on my cheek.

”Alright baby come on we;re gonna be late.” He says, patting my thigh letting me know I need to hurry up.

I quickly applied some red lipstick and stood up fixing my dress.

“How do I look?” I asked, looking up at him with big submissive eyes.

”Beautiful as always, ma.” He says, with a toothy grin before placing another soft kiss on my lips.

We walk out the room and up the stairs into the kitchen where Matt and Nick are standing, waiting on their phones.

Matt snaps out of his trance and looks up from his phone.

”Alright, let's go.” Grabbing his keys and heading out the door.

That’s where I got the bright idea: tease Chris.

It was ovulation week and I was already in the mood after seeing him in that slutty black and white suit. God how can one man be so hot? And how is that man my boyfriend? So many questions flood my head as me and Chris hop in the back seat of the minivan.

Whenever we all sit in the car Nick sits in the passenger seat because he knows me and Chris will want to be together. And that’s when I pulled my first move.

As we started driving, I sneaked my hand up Chris’ thigh.

”What’re you doing, sweetheart?” He says, in a low husky voice; a voice that made my legs tremble.

”Nothing baby. Don’t worry about it.” I smile at him, knowing exactly what I’m doing to him.

”Don’t pull anything stupid tonight, alright? I know what you’re trying to do, and it’s not going to work, baby.” His voice remains at a low whisper, careful his brothers don’t hear him.

I frantically nod my head. Oh, I am not going to be ending my teasing here. As selfish as it sounds, I want tonight to be all about me. We haven’t had sex in over a month because of Chris’ busy schedule, and I can’t seem to get off on my own. I need him. NOW.

Once we make it to the restaurant we wait for our friends to arrive. We hear a knock on the window, and there it is. Jake Webber and Johnnie Guilbert. Tara was supposed to be here but she got sick and couldn’t make it. Leaving me alone with five boys who act like children. In an expensive restaurant.

We all hop out and walk into the restaurant. We sit down at our booth and order our drinks. While everyone was talking, I decided to tease Chris some more. Whilst he was talking to Jake about whatever the fuck, I grabbed his hand. His big, strong, veiny hands.

God, his hands are attractive. I caress his hand lightly and play with his fingers a bit, imagining what they would feel like inside of me. He curled his fingers just right, hitting that spot right on the spongy material coating my walls. Just thinking about it made an ocean form in my panties.

I subconsciously squeeze my knees together to try and gain some friction. I pulled his hand down to my thigh so I could feel him touch where I needed him the most. I slowly inched his hand up to my core, but he yanked his hand back right before I got the pleasure I wanted.

Once again I placed my hand on his thigh, half expecting him to drag me to a bathroom and fuck me over the sink. But no, instead, he firmly grabbed my wrist and pushed away.

About an hour passed, and I hadn’t done anything since. We get up, say our goodbyes, and leave the restaurant. Once we’re on the road, I look over at Chris’ pants, and there’s a very prominent bulge. I placed my hand on his crotch, which caused his breath to hitch and gave me a stern look.

I smirk and look away. Watching cars pass and palms trees sway in the distance. I think about what’s going to happen once I walk into Chris’ room. I smirk to myself and giggle at my own thoughts.

We get home and get out of the car. Chris is quick to grab my wrist and drag me out of the car and up the stairs, unlocking the door and running up the set of stairs leading into the house.

As soon as we reach his room, he closes the door and locks it before pushing my back against the wall.

“What the fuck was that? Teasing me in front of my brothers and in public. You are such a desperate little slut.”

The names he called me caused me to whimper.

“Pathetic. Get on the bed and strip. Now.”

I do as he says and strip down to just my lace set I put on just earlier before crawling onto the bed.

He walks over to me, lust filling his dark blue eyes. He undoes his belt and puts it up to me.

I take that as a sign and give him my wrists. He puts the belt around my wrists, looking up at me to see if I'm uncomfortable.

He takes off his tie and throws it somewhere in the room. Along with his button down.

He crawls on top of me and speaks.

“I'm gonna give you ten seconds to explain what the fuck you were doing tonight.” He sneaks his hand down my stomach and stops right above where I need him.

“I just really needed you, Chris. I didn't even want to go to dinner. I just wanted to get you in the mood so that we could fuck.” I say swiftly wanting him to touch me sooner.

“Well since you're telling the truth, I won't go that hard. But still, whatever fuckary you were pulling in the restaurant is bound to get you punished.”

“Chris please fuck me.” I said in a breathy whine.

“Do you think you've Earned It?”

I nod my head frantically. He just smirks and slides his fingers between my folds. Feeling how soaked I am just from his anger.

“Already soaked, and I've barely even touched you yet. You're so pathetic.” He says, lowering himself between my legs, looking up through his eyebrows.

The names he calls me whenever we're getting intimate always turn me on.

He doesn't give any warning before diving in and eating me out like I'm his last meal. I yell out a loud moan but quickly cover my mouth as Nick and Matt are just upstairs.

My back arches off the bed, making him hit even deeper spots.

He pulls away and comes back to my face to make out with me roughly, making me taste myself.

He takes the belt off my wrists. And unbuttons his pants.

“You know your safe word right, baby?” He says, pulling his pants and boxers down at the same time. His dick springs out and hits his belly button.

“Yes I do, Chris.” I say, making eye contact with his dick.

He was so big. Nine to ten inches at least.

He spits on his cock and spreads it with his hand.

He slips his dick between my folds. I let out a whine. His teasing drives me insane. He notices how desperate I am and smirks.

He shoves his entire length in me, not giving any time to adjust before he starts ruthlessly pounding into me. His tip punched my g-spot repeatedly.

I cover my mouth to cover my moans, but he moves my hand away from my mouth and interlocks our fingers.

“Since you were so needy and desperate, why don't you show my brothers how much of a slut you are, yeah?”

“Fuck… yes, Chris.” I say dragging out the “fuck”

He laughed and continued bruising my cervix.

“Shit I'm so close! Chris can I please cum?” I beg, tears filling my eyes.

“Not yet, baby. You gotta wait for me. Can you do that?” He comes down to my face, leaving kisses and marks all over my face and chest.

I let out an irritated groan as to be denied my orgasm. He grips my hips tightly, surely leaving bruises.

A string of groans and grunts leave his mouth. He's using me as a toy, and I am not complaining.

“Fuck, baby. Come on, give it to me. Cum on my cock.” His thrust got sloppier as I let out my orgasm.

My vision goes blurry, and my ears start ringing. I felt myself getting soaking wet. Then Chris said…

“Damn, ma, I didn't know you could squirt. That was so fucking hot.” He half yells half moans that last sentence before releasing his orgasm deep in my pussy.

He fucks us both through out orgasms then plops down beside me.

“Did I go too hard, sweetheart?”

“No baby, it was perfect, I promise.” I reassure him by kissing him softly on the lips. He smiles and hops up, running up to the bathroom.

He walks out with a towel and starts cleaning me up.

“Shower?” He says softly, lifting me off the bed.

“Yes please.” He nods and takes me to the bathroom.

@annamcdonalds67 @slutsturn @urmomatemycoochie @kvtie444

#Spotify #chris sturniolo #sturniolo triplets #matt sturniolo #nick sturniolo #chris x reader #edit #matt sturniolo imagine #sturniolo edit #christopher sturniolo

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aethon-recs · 1 year

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24 Tomarrymort Recs for 2022 (One-Shot Edition)

A thank-you to the Tomarrymort community, inspired by @sitp-recs's wonderful rec lists!

Criteria for this list: one-shot, complete, published in 2022. I tried to include a wide array of tropes and themes and ratings, but of course I haven't read everything published on AO3 in the past year, so please always feel free to drop fic suggestions in my Ask box! I aimed for 22 fics (for 2022) but found too many unforgettable fics in my bookmarks, so 24 it is.

(Standard rec list disclaimers apply: please mind the tags; this is not intended as the ultimate reclist, only a reflection of my own tastes + what I had time to read this year; recs are arranged alphabetically by fic title.)

Multi-chaptered fics and WIPs will get their own posts, but for now, please enjoy these wonderful one-shots that were all written in the last year and remind me of how multifaceted and talented our little corner of the fandom is! These amazing authors made me gasp and cry and laugh and heavy breathe (sometimes all within the same fic). *

Tomarrymort Recs (One-Shot Edition)

Alive Really Isn't Your Color by @meles-merrivale (T, 6k)

A beautifully written, bittersweet take on Harry's life after the war and what it means to fall in love with someone you're supposed to hate and who's supposed to be dead. There's so many stunning, evocative lines from this fic that I could quote, but I'll leave you with this one: "How did Harry ever think Voldemort didn’t understand emotion? The man feels everything, feels it with his whole body, twisting his face and coiling his magic and tearing apart the world with the force of it."

contrapasso by hanamichi (E, 13k)

This was GRIPPING from beginning to end. The author does an incredible job with showcasing Harry's struggling emotional state after the war, and his grief is just so palpable. Harry and Voldemort's dynamic is gorgeous here.

From Every Ruin by @officialsporkintheroad (M, 5k)

Time loops beloved! This was such a clever take on the classic graveyard encounter, and there's nothing more that I love seeing than Harry losing it with every successive time loop.

Gaunt by @wixen-writes-tomarry (M, 8k)

A sense of uneasiness pervades this fic — lots of haunting prose and elements of psychological horror — it made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. A must-read if you like alternate takes on Harry encountering another one of Tom's horcruxes (in this case, the ring horcrux).

In Your Image by @perhaps-sunlight (T, 11k)

An AU loosely based on the Portrait of Dorian Gray, with Tom as a painter who's found immortality and eternal youth by stealing his victims' souls away and what happens when he sets his eyes on Harry— very suspenseful and gripping throughout, and I love how it cleverly weaves in elements of canon that were very fun to recognize!

knock it off by TheOnceandFutureQueenofTarts (E, 3k)

Harry having a masochistic streak is a characterization that I adore, and this fic does an amazing job delving into this aspect of his psychosexual development that by the time he meets the locket horcrux, it all goes downhill from there. It's also so funny and written in a snappy way, I laughed out loud at the ending.

Love at First Sight by @dividawrites (E, 5k)

One of the funniest things I've ever read in this ship — every single line of Harry's desperate pleading to Voldemort had me howling. And it wouldn't be a Divida fic without super hot smut at the end (featuring! actual! hemipenes!!) The best take on creature inheritance trope I've read.

My Decorated Horcrux by @youknowmevj (E, 4k)

I love Voldemort wins AUs; it's fascinating to explore the dynamic that he'd have with Harry in his new regime, and oh, does this fic deliver! Voldemort adorning Harry and showing him off is always a treat, plus Harry remaining his defiant self — so many fun elements in this PWP.

on the other side by @philolust (E, 3k)

One of the most haunting things I've read this year. Voldemort's POV is surprisingly heartbreaking; actually, the whole fic is heartbreaking. I don't want to give too much away, but this is an EXCELLENT take on the trapped-in-a-room trope.

On the rejection of love by Baryshnikov (T, 2k)

A really interesting exploration of Tom being aroace and what that means in terms of being in a relationship with Harry. I love this author's series on aroace Tom overall; it was hard to pick a favorite!

paradise / circus by but_seriously (E, 5k)

Snappy banter and really hot smut in this PWP, a perfect generation mashup that showcases a great depiction of how Harry doesn't actually hate Tom as much as he claims 😊

Personal Assistant by @phantomato (E, 10k)

This one is an absolute masterpiece, an incredible study in suspense. It's a really unique take on a universe where Voldemort never comes back after his initial downfall on Oct 31, 1981, and features a very realistic depiction on who Harry grows to be if he didn't have the formative childhood adventures that we saw in the books. There's an incredibly skillfully crafted mystery at the heart of this story, and when it all comes together in the end, I screamed and gasped and immediately reread it looking for clues that Phantomato had layered in all throughout.

saw you in a dream by @duplicitywrites (E, 2k)

Dream sex with Voldemort! The writing is so ethereal and floaty and poetic, packed full of intensely sensual phrases like, "Its shadowy form sinks deeper into Harry's body, soothing him. Harry can feel it everywhere, like ice through his veins, like they’re two halves of the same whole." It's the perfect dream sex sequence fic 💖

Sola Fide by @crowcrowcrowthing (M, 8k)

So very atmospheric and a fascinating depiction of ritual magic and Voldemort as an actual god! AUs are a really great way to explore what makes the core of a character — that even if it's the characters thrust in different circumstances, you can still tell who they are at their core, and this fic does a fantastic job of reimagining Harry and Voldemort meeting under different circumstances.

Something New by @itsevanffs (E, 2k)

A fresh (and super hot!) take on A/B/O dynamics, featuring both Alpha Harry and Alpha Tom, with both of them overriding their natural instincts in different ways in order to be with each other. The control, the restraint, the desperation, the taboo-ness of what they're doing within their society — all amazing elements that have made this into one of my favorite A/B/O dynamics that I've read. Alpha/Alpha is so underrated! (Also, not a tag that can be filtered yet on AO3, for some reason).

such a heavenly way to die by driftingsea (M, 7k)

This was SO clever and funny, and an amazing play on Harry being MoD. I don't want to give too much away, but let's just say this fic perfectly captures how murder is the ultimate Tomarry love language.

take this kiss (upon the brow) by @audair (T, 2k)

Incredibly beautiful and poetic prose. The mysterious backstory behind the Tomarry established relationship had me on the edge of my seat. This is one I'll reread over and over again for the haunting and atmospheric prose.

The gift by @metalomagnetic (E, 1.6k)

The perfect follow-up to 'Either must die' told from Voldemort's POV — surprisingly sweet and, not surprisingly, very sexy. As always, Metalo's fics pack a huge emotional punch; this one accomplishes it in just 1600 words — every single sentence is emotionally significant and not a single word is wasted - a must-read if you've read EMD.

the monster you (don't) see by Lils_White (E, 2k)

Harry pining for Voldemort after the war. A lovely, haunting, perfect depiction of dream sex, where you've left wondering what is a dream and what is real.

The Ties That Bind by @mosiva (E, 8k)

Mosiva writes an amazing Harry and Tom dynamic, as well as consistently delivers on great smut, and Tom here is a gem. This fic showcases Tom at his manipulative (sexiest) best, and the progression of Harry growing more drawn to Tom feels very natural and unrushed. Also, did I mention how hot the smut is? The author has other chaptered works that are worth checking out as well, if you like this dynamic!

The Train Station at Forever by @vdoshu (T, 1k)

This is one of the most deeply emotional takes I've seen on the endless reincarnation cycles theme (usually due to Harry being MoD and Voldemort being tied to Harry's soul). In just 1000 words, Doshu does an amazing job of capturing the angst and torment of Harry and Tom achieving "immortality" in this manner, and left me in shivers.

We Still Have Time by @duplicitywrites (T, 9k)

This was SO BEAUTIFUL and SO SAD, an incredible depiction of holding onto someone you love even after death, and I can't even think about this fic without wanting to weep. One of the most heartwrenching things I've read in all of fanfic, in all of my years reading fanfic. I very rarely cry reading fics, and god, I cry every time I've reread this fic. This is duplicity angst at its finest.

Wrath of the Lamb by @penmanner (M, 6k)

One of the most unique takes I've seen on Harry time-traveling to Tom's time in the 1940s. Something goes wrong, and Harry has amnesia but still a sense of purpose. The author's writing is gorgeous and poetic and does an amazing job of illustrating how disorienting Harry's experience is. I absolutely LOVE the amnesia trope, and this fic does it amazing justice.

you, me, a room we made by @kkeikatt (E, 9k)

This PWP was a delight to read. Voldemort and Harry trapped in a room together and the best option is to fuck each other? YES. Sign me up. The smut is extended and memorable and oh so glorious.

#tomarry #harrymort #tomarrymort #tomarry recs #tomarrymort recs #hp fic recs #2022 reads #2022 recs #one-shot recs #ao3 recs #fanfic recs #harrymort recs

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coyotes-rules-of-change · 2 months

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Author's Note: A version with photos is linked below. Scroll down—if that is what you desire.

Uh oh. It's getting pretty hard isn't it...

Get it? Hard? Because your cock is getting so hard and I bet it's getting harder and harder to keep yourself from touching it.

I mean, if I'm giving you the hot muscular body and the confidence and charisma for you to shake loose the bonds of your rise through the ranks but you can't get it without a cost, or at least a trial. Frankly in transformation circles, the rule is common: wanna keep your brains? You don't get to cum for 24 hours while the magic of the transformation... "cures."

I guess I didn't tell you how hard it would become. And the willpower you've gotta wield to keep those precious smarts in your head is drawing thinner and thinner as it gets harder and harder.

I gotta be honest, you're doing so well even though it's so hard. You have just a half an hour left—thirty minutes before you can cum. Thirty minutes and you don't have to worry any more. I believe in you; it's not that long, it's not that hard, you can wait for that sweet release. Even though the time seems to slow, even though the pleasure builds... you can keep your hands off that long hard—

Oh dear. It got to be too much, didn't it. You thought a quick graze, a light touch, the briefest of moments would release the pressure and keep you going. You felt that jolt, that hot flash, that pulse of pleasure— no! It's too hard. It's too long. It just feels too good...

...but it helped. It bought you another minute. It's only... twenty three minutes now... so you could try it again...

Feel the wave of pleasure course through you as you give it a rub, two rubs, thr— no. That's enough... let it settle, let it wane, let it swell again, and another three minutes gone.

You can touch it again—once, twice, three times. You let the wave flow through your body—cloud your mind, settle. Two minutes gone.

And rub again, swell, relief, wane.

And rub again, and again, and again.

It's so hard. It's so long. It feels so good, but the only way to keep it at bay is to give in just enough, rub just slowly enough, release only a little of that pleasure as time stretches longer. The last minutes slow to an agonizing fog of horniness as you keep yourself edging on the precipice of release without crossing over. Closer and closer to climax until...

Though the fog, you hear your alarm. Time was up. Release. Relief. You did it. You have the body, the charisma, and the brains, and now you could afford to take it all in. You could finally take that new dick through it's first test drive. It was time to...

Release, relief, pleasure. It overtakes your body and mind all in one instant. It pulses through you in waves and clouds your mind in horniness while cum shoots, and shoots, and shoots. out of your cock. You long cock. Your hard cock. Your beautiful cock. The pleasure recedes and your muscles relax and your mind settles... and clears... and empties in the post climactic bliss. It just felt so good. You've never felt so good. You sat for a moment... a minute? an hour?

You knew you wanted something... a job... a position... something else? But all you could process was that orgasm... your throbbing cock... your pleasure... your horniness swelling back into you. It gets harder. It gets longer. It just keeps feeling better and better...

————————

I suppose I should explain... That common rule: you can't cum or you'll ejaculate your brains outta your dick—that's not a real thing. No, unfortunately for him, the best way for him to have kept his smarts was to cum immediately. I've never had anyone make it the full day, though. He is so horny, he doesn't have room in that braincell of his to process much more. He's gonna be rubbing that cock of his all-day, everyday. Aww, seems kinda pathetic really. Maybe I'll send in a few guys to suck his dick and make sure he drinks some water or something. And maybe help him set up a Grindr and an OnlyFans.

Hey all, This story had pictures but certain censors found them to be to dangerous for this community—you know, erotic content. Blah blah blah. As a result I've taken a step common in the community and created a Blogspot.

#male transformation #dumber #gay #curse #gooning

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thewertsearch · 1 year

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TheWertsearch shipping chart

Ver. 1, Act 5.1

Let's get into it!

I've included every Player and a couple of wildcards. I thought about adding minor characters like the Guardians and Exiles, but we don't know too much about their dynamics yet. For what it's worth, I think the first three Exiles would be a cute triad, and might add WQ when we've seen more of her. I don't really ship any of the Guardians, since we know next to nothing about their personalities.

I'm going to mostly focus on potential dynamics. There aren't many canon ships in here, but hopefully that'll change as we move through the comic, because I honestly got pretty invested in some of these while working on this post. Let's dive in!

Hearts

Rose/Kanaya is an obvious lock. I've talked about it before, and my thoughts haven't really changed, so I won't repeat myself here. Their dynamic is great, and it's even better now that we know Kanaya used to idolize Rose. I can't wait to see them talk that one out. At this point, I'm 100% convinced that they should be a couple, and about 90% convinced that it's going to happen in canon. Bring on the #RosemarySweep!

John/Karkat is an intriguing prospect. John's optimism is exactly what a sourpuss like Karkat needs, and their conversations are clearly having a positive effect on him. Conversely, Karkat's decisive leadership style might, in time, rub off on John. The two complement each other well - and since it's clear that Karkat doesn't really hate John, I think they're well-placed for a red romance, rather than a black one.

Karkat/Nepeta has potential. Nepeta clearly sees something in him, and I don't think it's just the 'cat' in his name. They both have a romantic streak, although neither of them seems all that experienced with (concupiscent) romance. I don't know, I just think it might be cute! I could also envision a minor moirallegiance between them. Karkat isn't that hot-tempered, but chilling out with Nepeta and bouncing ships off each others' heads might help him let off some steam.

Tavros/Gamzee would be pretty cute. Tavros is used to being Vriska's punching bag - and, more broadly, he's used to conversations where you're supposed to be punching. Gamzee, too, is frequently insulted, even by people who call themselves his friends. Bring these two trolls together, though, and Alternia's antagonistic social norms completely disappear. They're a breath of fresh air, and I think they deserve a quiet corner in the Veil to play Fiduspawn together.

Terezi/Vriska would make a great power couple, and I want to see them take on the world together - but I don't see it happening any time soon. They both have a lot of growing to do - and besides, I think another quadrant is in the cards first.

Jack/Droog. Yes, really. This one isn't complex, I just think they'd be funny together. Plus, a hot-blooded, stab happy gangster pairs perfectly with a stone-cold, calculating partner. It's like cookies and cream!

Dave/Jade is another one I've discussed before. Jade is playfully, authentically herself, and Dave, who's still treating life like a bit he needs to commit to, might have something to learn from her. There's a real person behind that persona, and Jade likes him.

I'm a Jade/Rose truther - but there's not much to report on this, since the game seems intent on keeping them from interacting much. Hopefully Act 5.2 will see them working together in the Medium, and we can really shine a light on this dynamic.

Gamzee/Eridan was initially a joke ship. Eridan wants a matesprit, but he'd only date a highblood, and Gamzee's the only one without that quadrant filled, so Eridan better learn to ride a unicycle. Except... weirdly enough, it sort of works? Unlike Feferi, Gamzee wouldn't be stressed out by being around Eridan - and despite what you might expect, Eridan doesn't even seem to dislike Gamzee. He opened up to him about Feferi, at least a little - and even slammed a Faygo when Gamzee suggested it. When talking to Gamzee, Eridan wouldn't be able to dance around the point, like he was doing with Feferi and Kanaya. Gamzee wouldn't pick on his 'hints', so he'd have to resort to direct, open communication, which might be good for him. Plus - you can say a lot of things about Eridan, but he sure ain't a quitter. Gamzee's Sopor addiction would annoy the hell out of him, and there's a decent chance he might actually be able to annoy him off the stuff. If we go with the moirallegiance angle, Gamzee would probably leave Eridan too baffled to give into any Alternian bloodlust - and any overblown genocide plans would fly right over Gamzee's head. Wow, this really did start as a joke, but I'm beginning to convince myself. I... guess we'll see what happens?

Diamonds

I'm convinced Kanaya -> Terezi would work. Terezi is violent and dangerous - but unlike Vriska, her violence takes the form of mind games. Kanaya is good at mind games, and I think she'd make an excellent, Machiavellian moirail for Terezi, using ConversationWithAVeryStupidGirl.txt-style rhetorical traps to trick her into good behavior. She could even collaborate with her future girlfriend, Rose, to design clever ways to keep Terezi from getting more of her friends killed. And you know Terezi would love it.

That leaves Vriska unattended. We can't have that, so it's time to make a case for Feferi -> Vriska. I think Feferi would make a lot more progress with Vriska than she ever did with Eridan. The biggest problem with Eridan was that he was insincere - he wasn't honest about his proclivities or intentions, and Feferi was working her ass off just to figure out what he was thinking. By contrast, Vriska is extremely sincere about her emotions - I don't think she can fake a feeling. Feferi will know exactly what she's getting with Vriska, because Vriska will constantly tell her. Feferi could pacify Vriska, I'm sure of it. She's cheerful, persistent, physically powerful, immune to Vriska's psionics, and has killed thousands to feed her lusus. Feferi understands Vriska.

Sollux <--> Aradia is a potential bidirectional moirallegiance. They both have their violent moods, and they know each other well enough to recognize and help each other through them. Aradia could potentially use her necromancy to get the soon-to-be-dead out of Sollux's head - and he might be able to remove Aradia's violent impulses entirely, using his technical know-how to revert Equius' changes and turn her body into a true reflection of her living self. Honestly, they still have a shot at hearts, too - but I think diamonds is the way to go for now.

Feferi -> Equius might work - he'd have to listen to a violet-blood. Plus, spending time with the princess might help Equius learn that the Empire is bullshitting him about the hemospectrum. After all, she's at the top of the totem pole - and yet, she's against a lot of what the Empire stands for. What gives?

Spades

Jack\Lord English was originally just a joke, but I've decided to start shipping it earnestly for shits and giggles - especially since we've learned about kismesissitude, a quadrant they fit perfectly into. Maybe there's more than one reason that Slick was so single-minded about catching the guy.

To be honest, Vriska\Terezi is basically inevitable. There's no way they peacefully talked it out during the session, and now they're stuck on a tiny meteor together. These are resourceful girls - they're probably already plotting their next moves, and they'd be fools not to factor each other into whatever plans they're making. They will come to blows, and then they'll realize how much they're enjoying the experience. I think this will be our first truly balanced kismesissitude, and I'm very interested in seeing where the chips fall.

Clubs

Aradia -> Vriska/Tavros. Someone needs to keep these two apart. Robot!Aradia doesn't have the ideal temperament for auspisticism, but things are far from ideal at this point. She's Tavros' old FLARP teammate, and even in her current state, she's still invested in his well-being. This might also be a way for Aradia to reconcile with Tavros, since it doesn't seem like they've spoken much since they died. What does Tavros think of this new Aradia, and will his opinion change if she starts to intercede against Vriska on his behalf? I want to find out.

Feferi -> Equius/Aradia. This one would be so easy. All Feferi would need to do is tell Equius to back the fuck off, and he'd be obliged to obey. I don't like the hemospectrum, but if we're stuck with it for now, let's at least use it for good, hm?

That's it! It was the first shipping chart I've ever made, and I had a lot of fun with it. I'll be doing this again the next time we 'finish' an Act, and it'll be interesting to see how this evolves over time.

See you next time, for the beginning of Act 5.2!

#homestuck liveblog #full liveblog #act 5 #deep dives

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mylittleredgirl · 3 months

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finally, m*a*s*h update!

season four disc two! ("quo vadis, captain chandler" to "dear ma")

there is a LOT going on in the frank and margaret department

i kind of tipped my hand here when i posted about my new obsession, but even if you are not circling the drain on this doomed ship... the Unresolved Breakup Tension is fuckin WILD in this disc

she literally punches him in the face!!! how was that not a breakup!

but then he buys her something or does something to charm or impress her, and it works! then he blows it again!! rinse and repeat!!!! i am 👀🍿

sam and diane from cheers are still theeee platonic ideal of slap-slap-kiss but these clowns definitely walked so they could run

i literally jumped off the couch when his wife found out, aaaaa it's so juicy

I'M SORRY i realize this doesn't speak well of me as a person, but those long close-ups on her face as she voluntarily eavesdrops on him dismissing their relationship (twice!!) and her heart gets fully crushed??? i could eat popcorn to this all day.

this is the kind of dysfunctional relationship that my artist friends would choose in our youth so that we could Suffer and Make Art, so i really hope margaret is writing terrible poetry about it

anyway, we're peroxide-roots deep into GIRL WHY??!??

and then bj very gently explains to radar that well, see, frank and margaret both kinda suck and we're in the middle of nowhere, so they're all they've got

and i had to spend three or four days staring at the ceiling about it, because YEAH. it's not just that they're each other's only rank-appropriate source of star-spangled orgasms

(and they both care far more about military hierarchy than they do about marital fidelity)

but they are so consistently unkind to everyone around them that they have no other choice for any human connection full stop.

i'm not even talking about their ongoing bullying war with hawkeye and trapper or bj, because that's dirty pool on both sides, but i could count on one hand the number of times either of them have interacted with a subordinate nurse or enlisted man without threatening them. like they literally would not have anyone else to talk to.

but the reveal that she still wants to MARRY HIM? oh god. ohhhh honey. noooo.

that fake proposal prank was so genuinely mean. mostly because they ruined her hot date! 👏 let 👏 margaret 👏 fuck 👏 random 👏 dudes 👏

"isn't general barker the one who wanted you to spank him?" lmaoooo

OKAY i swear i can talk about other things:

hawkeye continues to just NOT pull without trapper here. the nurses are fully dismissing or ignoring his efforts, and honestly is he even trying that hard?? have we seen him get even one date?

i've been trying to come up with an "intricate rituals" joke about hawkeye and trapper but where the rituals are... girls. you get me.

i re-watched the pilot and the desk ep (for frank/margaret reasons DON'T JUDGE ME), and hawkeye and trapper LITERALLY end the pilot handcuffed together, and in the next episode talk about sharing a nurse. how am i supposed to take this???

speaking of nurses, you know that little 🙄 you have to ignore in 2024 whenever the women on m*a*s*h get called honey and sweetheart and baby on the job (though tbh i worked on a construction site and an ad sales office in the 2010's and got the same treatment -- but in the modern day it's done ironically babe)

BUT when potter calls margaret "good girl" after he gets shot??? total opposite feeling. i literally had to pause and take a moment. he's her dad now.

also when he tucks radar in???? everyone's dad actually

in loving memory of radar's other dad though, two important points:

how proud would henry have been of drunk & disorderly radar??

and henry's "i've always wondered if i might be radar's dad" bit is genuinely 900% funnier now that we know radar's mom looks EXACTLY like him.

i don't think i have ever circled back to talk about klinger, who became so so so awesome

it's so funny that in klinger's very first appearance and 30 times since then, he has been told straight up that wearing women's clothes will never work to get him out of the army. there's no explanation for his commitment to this particular form of passive resistance except that he genuinely loves it

the swamp rats built a still and klinger got a sewing machine and learned a craft. he's so good at it!! his looks are 🔥

i feel uncomfortable when i see him in fatigues tbh. it happened a few times in this disc and i would like it to Stop actually

also precious baby father mulcahey... Protect Him.

i LOVE that everyone showed up for his church service when the grand poobah chaplain was in town. they love each other!!! (also the life magazine jeep shoot!!!)

"quo vadis, captain chandler" was really good. i'm still over colonel flagg's whole deal but i now understand why everyone loves sidney freedman, and the guest actor they had playing not-jesus was incredible

bj continues to be the best little brother hawkeye could have asked for

also he maybe invented cpr?

i didn't say much about him here but I LOVE HIM and also his off-screen wife

forward and onward!!!

#it's about time i watched m*a*s*h #mashblogging #if anyone wants me to @ them in the notes when i do these let me know <3

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jajanvm-imbi · 10 months

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⚠️Long Post Alert⚠️

Alright I've seen a lot of (negative) buzz around Disney's new show "Primos" so I'm gonna put my 2 cents in

According to the Primos wiki, the show is about "Tater, an eccentric 10-year-old girl with big dreams and, unbeknownst to her, a certain “it factor” that makes her exceptional. When her 12 cousins (“primos” in Spanish) move in for the summer, they help her discover just what it is. Tater’s aspirations and larger-than-life imagination are seen via entries in her super-secret diary, which turn her deepest thoughts into grandiose animation sequences."

FIRST, it's yet ANOTHER piece of children's media about the main character + their large Latin American family.

Upon doing some research apparently this show is about the creator's personal experiences, which okay valid. But when creating media that meant to represent a community it would be better to offer a DIFFERENT perspective rather than give us the same trope that has been done to DEATH.

And I'm gonna be real with yall, I LOVE Coco and Encanto, but both movies also fall under this trope. Not all Latin American families live with their extended family, we don't need ANOTHER piece of media perpetuating the stereotype.

Also, Disney has been putting out a few shows on Disney Channel and Disney Junior that are clear knock offs of Nickelodeon shows. Some examples:

And...hm....lemme think....a kids TV show about a Mexican girl and her quirky large Mexican family getting into some Mexican™️ shenanigans...where have I seen that before...?

Oh right

Yeah the premises are slightly different, but it's essentially the same trope so already right off the bat Primos feels like a knock off version of The Casagrandes.

SECOND, there are many stereotypes already present in the series just from tbe opening theme. Many of the cousins fall into stereotypes themselves, particularly the names. Some the names of the cousins are Gordita, Big Nacho, Nachito, and Cookita. I've seen people justify the use of these names by saying many Latin Americans are given these names as nicknames, which is true. But then again, having a characters named Nacho and Gordita in a show that's supposed to be about LatAm representation is just in bad taste. It's giving "Marco Diaz from Star vs. the Forces of Evil being half Mexican and being obsessed with nachos for some reason but not representing his Latino heritage in any other way other than him wearing that Day of the Dead themed costume in The Blood Moon Ball ep." It feels lazy, and of course, stereotypical.

On TOP of this, the word "Cookita" in many LatAm countries is slang for pussy and the suffix "-ita" means small. And the character with this name is the BABY. So yeah maybe naming the B A B Y character something that to many Spanish speakers means "little pussy" in a show ABOUT Spanish speaking Latin Americans probably isn't the wisest decision.

Another detail people have been pointing out leans into negative Mexican stereotypes is the use of the "yellow filter".

Now I'm gonna be real and say I'm not 100% convinced about the yellow filter being used here. The show takes place over the summer, so the use of yellow might may be used to give the feeling of how hot it is, but I can totally see why Latin Americans would find this offensive.

Also the name "Terremoto Heights" has been heavily criticized. Terremoto means "earthquake" in Spanish and the earthquakes are common in LatAm countries. Then again, show takes place in LA, where a lot of earthquakes occur too. So Im not 100% convinced that this is flat out racist either, but it's definitely in poor taste.

THIRD, the thing that is being SLAMMED at the most, is the improper Spanish grammar and the creator's response to people pointing it out.

In the theme song, the phrase "¡Oye! Primos" is used a lot, which means "Hey cousins!" The issue with this phrase is that "Oye" means hey but in the singular tense, and "Primos" is plural. If you plug in "¡Oye! Primos" to Google translate you'll get Hey Cousins regardless, but in Spanish the phrase is not grammatically correct. In order for it to be grammatically correct the phrase would either need to be changed to "¡Oigan! Primos", "oigan" being the plural word for Hey, or "¡Oye! Primo" and make primo singular. People have been telling this to the creators of the series and well...they haven't exactly been taking it well.

Here's what the voice actress of the main character Tater, Myrna Garcia Velasco said her on social media (Instagram I think, I could be wrong) in response to the bad Spanish:

(If you can't listen to it I'll just summarize. Velasco says that Spanish is the language of the Spanish conquistadors and the only reason why Latinos are LATIN American and not indigenous is because of the Spanish, and to stay mad if you think her incorrect Spanish is an issue. She also brings up how they're "trying to make a good show" for kids who "don't have a grasp on any language" or something?? Idk that's pretty much what she's saying")

Basically this response doesn't make any fucking sense. "Spanish isn't our original language so it doesn't matter if I speak it correctly or not. I'm a NATIVE Mexican so it doesn't matter if I speak Spanish correctly or not"

???????

Girl what the fuck does this mean??? News flash, but the majority of Latin America has been speaking Spanish for CENTURIES. You go to Mexico or most other Latin American countries and you'll find them speaking SPANISH. Yes it's because of the Spanish but it's part of our culture now whether you like it or not. It's like saying "oh it doesn't matter if I speak English correctly or not cause English isn't the US' ORIGINAL language anyway" ?????

Now, the story IS about a mixed kid. Tater is half white half Mexican, so if Tater is a Latina girl who doesn't know Spanish fluently (otherwise known as a "No-Sabo" kid), then the imperfect Spanish would make sense. If the idea behind Primos is to represent the Latin American kids who don't speak Spanish, then yeah thats fine and it was a directoral choice. But judging by Velasco's response, that doesn't seem like thats the idea?? She immediately got defensive and brought up the Spanish colonizers?? Which is relevant??? HOW???

On top of that, one member of the creative team, (not 100% sure who) called someone a "Grammar N@zi" for pointing out the grammatical errors and, well...

That's def not helping their case.

How the HELL are you gonna make show about a Spanish speaking Latin American family and NOT SPEAK SPANISH PROPERLY??? How the HELL are you gonna start beef with SPANISH SPEAKERS over whether or not it's important to speak Spanish CORRECTLY when portraying SPANISH SPEAKING PEOPLE IN MEDIA??? Yes slang exists, yes different LatAm countries speak Spanish differently, but grammar still exists??

OVERALL: Do I think Primos is this horribly racist dumpster fire? No. Are there MANY choices in this show that are just in poor taste? Absolutely 100%. Are the responses from the creative team outta pocket? Yes of course.

If you ask me, I think the main reason why people are so outraged over Primos is because the stereotypes and tropes are tired and dated, and people KNOW what writers are capable of. The response of this teaser, sandwiched between The Owl House ending and the premier of Across the Spiderverse, which have STELLAR LatAm rep, is proof of that. Luz Noceda, Miles Morales and Miguel O'Hara are SHINING examples of good SPANISH SPEAKING LatAm representation in children's media. We CAN have good LatAm protagonists in mediation, we've SEEN IT. We don't need all the stereotypes and overused tropes, so it makes sense why so many LatAm people feel like Primos is offensive and a step backwards.

Disney is getting lazy, they need to get their shit together

#Disney #disney primos #primos disney #primos #latin america #latino representation #latinos #poc rep #representation

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delopsia · 6 months

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del 🤔💐 has tackling & wrestling ever led to rhett and robby getting sexy? has reader ever been in the middle of something (reading, watching tv, catching up on work, cooking, etc.) and then here comes this hot chaos pile that... is steadily getting even hotter before their very eyes?

I'm convinced that you can hear my thoughts because I've been thinking about this for weeks now 😭I hope that the formatting on this isn't wonky when it posts, every time I hit save, my italics disappear 💃

Nobody ever knows when and if it will happen, but it does tend to happen when it's been a while since anything's gotten hot and heavy between the three. It happens the most during the first week that Bob's home from a deployment since he tends to come home with a lot of pent-up energy...I'm getting sidetracked, and it's only the first paragraph.

A lot tends to happen when those two are wrestling with each other. Rhett's giggling like a fool, and Bob's fallen into that focused sort of silence that only comes about when he's genuinely trying to put up a good fight. (Good fight meaning, "I'm going to make it look like I'm trying to win, but I'm going to intentionally make a mistake so that you come out on top.")

And then there are the thighs that can end up between someone else's legs, the hands that wind up in the wrong places, and the grunts that sound like they're meant for the bedroom and not for a wrestling match on the front lawn. It only takes one little thing for things to devolve from there.

If Rhett wins, then he more than often winds up sprawled over top of Bob, straddling his hips as he nips at the little bit of collarbone that peeks out of Bob's shirt. That soft, sensitive little space where he can leave marks, and nobody has to worry about covering them up. Always so eager to have his way and reap the benefits of coming out on top.

It used to be fun to mark up Bob's pale neck right when he came up, but Mickey once saw a fading hickey behind Bob's ear and thought it would be funny to prank call the Floytt house and tell them they were disrespecting government property. Bob still can't talk about it without turning a lovely shade of stop-sign red.

Bob is a willing loser every time. You mean to tell him that he's supposed to fight against this? Rhett's thick thighs squeezing him just right as he grinds down on him? The potential of getting Rhett to ride him like he does one of those rodeo bulls? These are the reasons Bob feigns weakness, your honor.

If the Reader walks in, then they're walking in on...a pretty typical sight, actually. Rhett comes out on top most of the time, and his favorite thing is to sit on Bob's lap and steal what has been dubbed "victory kisses" until he's content. So it's not that odd for them to walk in and see those two consumed in a kiss that the Reader could hear from the hallway. But then they're noticing Bob's hips rolling up into Rhett's ass, and Rhett's working his way down to those freckled collarbones, and Bob's shyly smiling up at the Reader.

If the Reader is feeling up to it, then Rhett happily shares his victory spoils, scooting to the side so that they both have access to that sputtering WSO. But if they're more in the mood to watch, then Rhett's just as happy to put on a show.

If Bob wins, then Rhett quite literally shuts up and goes limp. And it definitely does not have anything to do with him having a thing for being pinned down. No, no, it does not. It's like a switch flips: one moment, he's doing everything he can to win, and the next, he's got his wrists pinned above his head, and he's nearly purring like a kitten.

It's even worse if Bob's in the mood to manhandle him. Where he'll usually fuss if Bob grabs his hips and yanks them high into the air, he's completely silent. Bob can do whatever the hell he wants to him, and Rhett's just happy to be there. It's rare, but there are instances where Bob will ride him just to give him a taste of his own medicine.

If the Reader walks in, then it is absolutely by accident. Again, Rhett's gone quiet, and Bob's voice doesn't really carry, so the Reader has no idea what's going on until they're laying eyes on those two. Sometimes, they're merely coming to see what Rhett and Bob are doing, but every once in a while, they're doing chores or walking about the house while on the phone and stumbling upon a hell of a scene. Even if the Reader doesn't walk in, Bob will call them into the room, just in case they want to join in on the fun.

If the Reader's up to it, then Rhett's opening his mouth and fussing until they've got their hands on him. He wants everyone's attention when he's like this, whether that leaves him licking the Reader out while Bob fucks him, the Reader riding him, or something in between, he doesn't care.

But if the Reader would rather watch, then he's going to complain until they at least hold his hand or are touching him in some shape or fashion. Something about being submissive makes him clingy.

And then there's always the off chance that the wrestling match goes down right in front of the Reader. There was one time when they were nose deep in a new book, heard a funny noise, and looked up to find Rhett's hand lazily jerking his and Bob's cocks together. Given, those two were actively trying to see how far they could go without being noticed, but alas...

If the Reader isn't even home when the shenanigans ensue, then their phone is lighting up with photos and videos. There is truly nothing quite like being at dinner with friends and receiving a video of one of your husbands riding the other.

And, of course, Rhett and Bob are absolutely waiting to pounce on the Reader the moment they get home, ready for a round two with everyone involved.

💐💃

#rhett abbott #bob floyd #robert bob floyd #bob floyd x reader x rhett abbott #delgato's asks #hawthorn au

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lousirs · 5 months

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this is a dump about the uglydolls movie novel 💋💋💋

Alrighty I'm basically a regular here SO LETS GET TO IT

lodoeheie so I just got the movie novel of uglydolls because i need to fill my hunger for uglydolls content and THERE R SO MANY LITTLE DETAILS AND DIFFERENCES IN THE BOOK???!!???

ok so Lou's monologue in the pipes are completely different and they kind of point out details about Lou like his loafers being expensive and allat

BUT IM NOT TALING ABOTU TAGT

there's this one part in the book where they are about to reveal Ox after the all dolled up scene and instead of Ox, Nolan was behind Lou???? I think it was just supposed to show how awkward Nolan is idk 💀💀

ALSO for some reason I feel like EVERUTIME Nolan made an appearance they always described him as "the handsome doll" and I find that so so silly but I love it

oh YEYEHA it's implied in the book that the dolls wear their own clothes when they aren't doing training which was not the case in the movie (probably due to animation complications)

in the gauntlet scene, in the book, it was Mandy who kinda taunted Lou to participate in the gauntlet rather than him deciding to buy himself. Also it made me think why he even decided to join it in both medias when he knew he'd fail but my friend and I just established that at that point he was probably already batshit crazy and had nothing to lose

the whole Ox flashback part was longer and had more details to it. So both Lou and Ox went for the gauntlet together and completed it but it showed that they failed and everyone thought it was Ox that caused them to fail when it was really Lou (kind of sad that Lou probably knew it was himself and had to put the blame on Ox)

it was also mentioned that both Lou and Nolan have somewhat of a muscular build so time to make some new head cannons

IM SO SORRY THAT THESE POINTS WERE ALL OVER THE PLACE AND THERE'S TYPOS EVERYWHERE

I just found thrse so interesting I'm so sorry

the book is pretty good imo (probably biased) and there's more stuff than what I put here so DEFINITELY go read it for yourself

why hello, we meet again... time for more rambling xD STRAP IN EVERYONE!

yes!! i've known about the novel for a hot minute. i haven't bought or read it (...yet) but i remember seeing silentreadersmatter (i believe?) post about it on wattpad... so shoutout to them lol. anywho time to respond to each thing mentioned in order (just about)...

lou with loafers!!: i always assumed he wore some sort of fancy shoewear... so it's nifty that they added clarification i guess xD

awkward nolan: awkward nolan is the superior nolan (in my opinion. i'm sorry lads)... i see nolan be depicted as a 'uwu soft boy bottom" most of the time... but i always thought he was just a awkward doll. like, an anxious mess that is trying his best but fumbles constantly. he's a ball of anxiety, and i love him. ANYWAYS

buff nolan real??: GOSH, I AM SO GLAD SOMEONE NOTICED THE MUSCULAR NOLAN THING. i always imagined nolan to be taller than the other dolls (he isn't really in the film but i always headcanoned it so because his uniform is smaller as if he was too big for it) but once i saw him be called "handsome" and "tall" and "muscular" in the novel, i flipped. the little baby boy is actually a BIG BUFF BABY. i have a doodle of this from a few months ago heheh... (thank you for giving me an excuse to show it because it's been lingering in my files for a while LMAO)

^^^ lou is just trying to act evil and devious but he got this tall, handsome muscular doll getting in his way xD

ohhh but i can just imagine instead of the robot dog taking lou to the washer, nolan personally picks him up and drags him there. now THAT'S a moment i want to see.

fashion: oh, i didn't know about the clothes thing! DAMNIT i want to see them all in casual clothing, so i know what kind of styles they wear!! i mean, there's a concept art with lou in a white jumper with a golden 'L' on it... but that's all.

i have my headcanons for what they wear, but it would be cool to see... especially since most other dolls normally do have numerous outfits for the kids to dress them up in.

gauntlet: yeah, lou kinda lost the plot around that point. i would take a guess that he was probably unnerved by just basically killing two dolls, one that he knew (possibly for a while) and one that was close to his old friend, so when he saw mandy still alive he was like "well sh*t." and then came the downward spiral of him trying to sabotage the others, before inevitably sabotaging himself. ...but i think the book's version of mandy getting the crowds to peer pressure lou to joining the gauntlet made more sense (lou's reputation would be at stake and his reputation is basically all he has) than him joining anyways in the film. i guess they tried to make it make more sense with the whole "I don't even have to win. I just need to make sure you lose." but ehh... eh....

ox's tragic anime backstory: yes!! they should've done this version in the film honestly. perhaps they could've even shown lou's regret for lying to basically his only friend. ...oh wait, i forgot. lou's meant to be a 100% evil villain who kicks babies. anyways, again i feel that the novel made more sense than the canon we got in film. i guess in the film ox got recycled because he was causing others to fail by accident? but the novel's version is much more interesting.

if i remember correctly (and if i don't, count this as a rewritten version lol) the assistant robots took ox away after he 'failed' in the novel. i can imagine a scene where we are in ox's perspective, being forcefully dragged away to the pipes whilst lou looks at him, dread and sadness written across his face, yet he doesn't try to stop the robots. he just stands there, biting back his guilt. ohh... if only...

STRONG BOYS!!: heheheheh strong nolan and lou... would be funny if nolan didn't appear strong, but is actually stronger than lou. but then again, how can you tell if the doll is strong? they all look like same. lou says his arms are bumped or whatever in ugly truth but WHERE? WHERE'S THE BUMPED ARMS LOU??

anywho, thank you for the novella lore dump! for anyone who is interested, go check out the novel as well. it's pretty interesting if you are deep into doll purgatory. (also it's mentioned that ox used to wear a fedora from what i remember)(THAT IS TERRIBLE. I LOVE IT)

#uglydolls #ask #asks #not art #uglydolls lou #uglydolls nolan #uglydolls ox #uglydolls mandy

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tellthemeerkatsitsfine · 3 months

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youtube

So, I saw all the posts about the promos for this thing coming from the John Oliver side of Tumblr, and I wasn't really planning to watch it despite my general interest in John Oliver, because I just don't understand the appeal of watching people eat and/or make and/or talk about food. I've said before that I couldn't get into Off Menu, or something like Bake Off, because of triggers I have from my years of cutting weight for sports, which is true but doesn't even really apply in this case. One 30-minute video of eating wings isn't going to trigger me (I do eat and talk about food without a problem, it's just doing long deep dives into that bothers me). It's just not interesting to me. John Robins and Elis James have started this feature on their radio show called Tick of a Taste where they try something unusual (and usually challenging, in similar ways to hot wings) and then describe it, and it's the only part of their radio show where I kind of tune out. I just don't get the appeal of turning food into entertainment.

So I was going to give this one a miss, but then it actually aired and @lastweeksshirttonight alerted me to the fact that there's a bit of Edinburgh chat, and obviously I cannot skip potential Chocolate Milk Gang content. So I watched it, and was not disappointed.I don't know who that interviewer is, and I did not expect to like him, given that he's an American man who makes, I assume, a whole series based on filming celebrities eating spicy food. I'm vaguely aware of that sort of "content creator" genre of YouTube, and it doesn't sound like fun. But I have to admit, he conducted a surprisingly great interview for a man sitting across from some hot sauce bottles. Asked good questions, they were insightful and interesting and displayed an impressive level of knowledge about his subject.

At this point, I'd like to take a brief moment to use this video as an excuse to slag off Marc Maron:

Marc Maron interviewed John Oliver in 2012, an episode that I listened to because John was fascinating in it but Marc was absolutely insufferable, as he's been in all the WTF episodes I've heard (which I believe is four: John Oliver, Andy Zaltzman, Stewart Lee, and James Acaster). And this is far from the main reason why Marc was insufferable, in fact it was a tiny thing that didn't matter, but Marc was so weird about the differences between British and American English. He kept stopping John to ask for the definition of British words that might not be common in North America, but should be more than easy enough to work out from context, and Marc couldn't just do that, he had to stop and treat it like some weird exotic thing that John said the word "headteacher". At one point in the interview, John is talking about the place where he plays a game that some call football and others call soccer, and you can hear him say "the p-field". Clearly started to say "pitch" and then realized that this annoying interviewer would pick him up on that so he changed it to field. That's what I thought of when I saw the above video clip - a fun example of the opposite of that. Well done to the hot wings interviewer for not being like Marc Maron.

The hot wings interviewer still pronounces Edinburgh about as badly as Marc Maron does, but I'm starting to think I should be a bit careful about complaining when Americans do that, because I'm not 100% sure that I say it correctly. I know how it's supposed to sound, so I can tell when someone says it wrong. But I think it might just be a hard word to say in a North American accent, so it's possible that I also mess it up, and six months from now I'm going to be in Edinburgh and probably at some point saying that word out loud to people who will know how it's meant to be said, so I might want to start saying now that it's fine if you do it wrong. I don't do it as wrong as that guy does, though. I'm pretty sure the word "bro" doesn't come into it when I say it. I also say it better than Marc Maron does.

Anyway, that is not the main point of this post, the main point of this post is this:

How the fuck have I never heard that story before? This is my exact period of specialty - John Oliver in his Chocolate Milk Gang years - and I have gathered up all the references to it that I can possibly find, and yet I'd never heard him tell that one before. I'm so glad I watched the weird hot wings video, just for that. I wish he'd tell us who the other comedian was. I have several guesses.

You know, I hadn't really thought before about the fact that John Oliver would have done his own material at those Late 'n' Live gigs. I knew he ran around taking cows apart, and I knew other people did their actual sets, but I hadn't thought of the fact that at some point John would have been on stage by himself telling John Oliver jokes. I don't think the stage where they took the cow apart was really the place for early 00s-era John Oliver jokes. I'm not surprised it went badly.

John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman do have a long list of stories of gigs they've done that have gone very badly (one gig in particular, the stories of which I made into a compilation nearly two years ago now), and I know all comedians have stories like that, but it doesn't surprise me that Zoliver have more than most. 00s-era Zaltzman and Oliver, individually and together, were not club comedians. Or at least, they didn't have club material, but they were not yet quite famous enough to never do clubs. London has a much larger and more diverse comedy scene than we do around where I live, but still, I think I can use my local comedy club as some kind of basis for comparison. And if someone stood up at my local comedy club and started telling Zaltzman and Oliver jokes, they would be met with baffled silence at the absolute best. They might get stabbed.

What jokes was he telling at Late 'n' Live? Was he doing his Political Animal material? He had a bunch of political and topical stuff back then, but that's not all he did. John Oliver definitely had more mainstream material in his arsenal than Andy Zaltzman did, I guess he could have brought out his train story and the one about not eating peas as a kid. Though actually, even the peas story is basically a political joke. Was he doing the stuff about crying at sporting montages as early as that?

Actual recordings of the stand-up John Oliver did in Britain are rare, though I've managed to find a few. Most notably the one of him and Zaltzman doing their full 2004 Edinburgh show, in 2005, that got released on The Bugle in multiple pieces but I stitched them together into one file, and… I mean, you can't do that at Late 'n' Live. I know I haven't been there, but if you could do that at early 00s Late 'n' Live, then I have drastically misunderstood the nature of the event. You can't do that. You'll get stabbed.

The other source of information about early Oliver stand-up is reviews, which are worth reading because they're often quite funny. @lastweeksshirttonight, I can't remember if I've ever sent you the Steve Bennett review of his debut Edinburgh show, but I'm tagging you because if you haven't read it before then you definitely should. It's hilarious. I don't always agree with Steve Bennett's opinions or approach to the mechanics of the English language, but I have to admit: "John Oliver has based his debut Edinburgh show on death, a concept he can be no stranger to, given the lukewarm reception his obscure observations receive," is a sick burn.

Was John doing that at Late 'n' Live? You definitely can't do what was described in that review at Late 'n' Live. You probably shouldn't do that anywhere, really.

There are better reviews from the next few years, like these ones, which both basically boil down to: Zaltzman and Oliver are intelligent guys who write well and it's all very clever and even at times funny, but God, they're both really annoying. So annoying. It was funny but I didn't like them because they were annoying. Did he annoy the people at Late 'n' Live that way? Is that why the man wanted to stab him?

Steve seemed to like them better in 2005, but still, I don't think you can do that at Late 'n' Live. "Oliver and Zaltzman are at the vanguard of a new wave of satire taking vast global issues - fair trade, the apathy paralysing democracy, immigration - and trying to simplify them to expose their flaws, which suddenly seem so blindingly obvious when put in such clear terms." Yeah, John, obviously the guy threatened to stab you if you tried to do that to him when he was drunk at 1 AM. Obviously.

What did you do to them, John? And while we're at it, what did you do to the people of York that one time?

Anyway, the whole Hot Ones interview was pretty interesting, they touched a few times on that side of John Oliver that I find particularly enjoyable, as he discusses the way he really enjoys tension and doing fucked up things and getting in trouble, but also has a socio-political worldview that says venerating that stuff is bad, and this creates its own tension. It's something I've heard him talk about before, I've always enjoyed it, I wasn't expecting to hear it explored so much in a hot wings interview, but here we are. Thanks for the recommendations, John Oliver side of Tumblr.

#Youtube

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