i dont know what's wrong with me but i always feel so sad and heartbroken when i see Colt.

like i feel so overwhelmed with love for him but i really cannot imagine him loving me back. like. like. he's everything. and i'm just keri. y'know.

augh. it feels... impossible. like i am not Good Enough for him. he would not look twice at me. i didn't used to have this problem until i was abused for so long and now it's like... i cannot imagine receiving love unless if it is through violence. oogh. hurts my heart like a motherfucker. i miss the old me.

I do love going through your tags to read the backlog of thoughts you have on snatcher so if hes not asked?

he has not been! i am grateful for your interest.

any pronouns & unlabeled everything lol

a very uncommon opinion i have is that he finds great but self harming and maladaptive comfort in the cellar and blizzard stages of his life.

to base this:

something ive seen a lot but disagree with is the claim that after their death they gained control, going as far as to become lowkey power hungry and enjoy and crave being treated as an authoriy. living its truth as a spooky spirit and generally being content with this life.

hat(and bow?) kid kind of pokes fun at that by calling him a tsundere and a big softy, but i never thought of it as her seeing him as a literal tsundere. she saw something he doesnt want to be viewed as and went with it to gain the strongest reaction, even if only in theory, while really meaning she doesnt think his behavior is sincere. this might look like im putting words in her mouth but i just genuinely always assumed this was the intention. its pretty in character, too - shes mischevious and childishly malicious at times. i think its fits. i also only bring this up because itll be important later

with the blizzard still present around vanessas manor, ice covering the subcon well from the inside and chunks of ice randomly forming around the forest i believe its fair to say it did not vanish on its own and is instead actively suppressed by something. considering snatcher provides an array of services to the subconites (granting them bodies, likely supervising the new vilages construction, maintaining community important structures via contractually obligated mortals - none of her contracts benefit her directly. they resemble community service far more, which is remarked on by hat/bow kid in her diary) it wouldnt be too far of a stretch to come to the conclusion its by his efforts the blizzard is contained - not to mention when first encountered he tells hat/bow she needs her to take care of "some other things, that i cannot do myself..." implying there ARE things it can and does get done! and its for the blizzards suppression specifically i believe it steals and absorbs souls.

(newer content typically has them claim they hate chores and use minions for everything which i choose not to take into account due to most of said content severely contradicting his main game appearance writing wise. i also think there was something that justified treating it as an unreliable narrator but i cant recall what exactly so i wont be using that argument to defend myself here. so, source: trust me)

this places snatcher in the place of a damage suppressor for the blizzard. this, if on its own, while an interesting dynamic, isnt much more than that. its effect on snatcher as a person is unknown. that is, unless you take his backstory into account.

the blizzard is typically interpreted to exist a result of vanessas actions and unlikely but possibly continued efforts, but i personally would claim its an extension of her, similarly to how the snatcher is an extension of the prince: its her soul and personal apocalypse externalized. its her.

in this way, snatcher, even after his death, is forced into a relationship with her ghostly presence infusing and dilluting subcon where it must expose itself to and suppress her. its a dehumanizing and horrible position to be in. something to note is that in the subcon layer of the tour rift snatchers tree is shown beneath the village, coveted in frost. it always was a deeply haunting thing to me, and now i realize it can be used as further proof that the village can only really exist at the price of snatcher enduring constant violence behind the scenes. i used to say this very likely acts as a parallel to princes and princess vanessas relationship before realizing its not a parallel, its an extension of it. its almost like he never left.

the only opportunity he ever got from the constant pressure and obligation to keep up a notably insincere appearance, being used as a tool to keep something that feels larger than anything it could ever be in check, was when he was abandoned to fall apart in vanessas cellar. he even calls it home once. ("this captain guy is great! his nasty smell and dead eyes remind me of home..")

i will be honest, im mixed on to what degree he is aware of any of this, in the timeframe of the ingame events at least, but if he does come to the conclusion hes been going in circles i dont doubt hed start craving the only place defined by the lack of vanessas presence.

i have a lot more to say such as why he initially chose to leave the cellar, what he thinks vanessas opinion on him is, or how exactly the subconites factor into their recovery, which is fully possible btw, but thats it for now. thanks for reading, now you have a bit more context to my art

if hes feeling affectionate towards her it might also wish to wander in the blizzard again.. since its an extension of her, its kind of the closest they can possibly get, literally residing inside her soul while still remaining isolated and staying out of her reach and sight. its also invasive creepy and miserable and completely erases all boundaries between the two of them

Hello, since my last Loki meta did really well, I’m going to do another, because my self-appointed job is now apparently Analytical Waffling at the whims of my hyper fixations.

Okay, so I want to talk about why Loki stabs Thor— or at least, why I think Loki stabs Thor. Because it’s become a bit of a joke in the MCU that Loki just goes around randomly trying to kill/hurt/stab Thor constantly for no reason, and I’m tired. Someone has definitely analyzed this scene before, but I can’t find those metas right now, and I thought I’d throw my hat in the ring because I keep thinking about it and why it speaks far more to his favor than not.

Just as a start off, Loki has (if you count TR) canonically stabbed Thor twice in the MCU, that’s it (unless you count the metaphorical kind, which would increase that number drastically). Once when they are children (which we lack context for), and in this scene right here:

THOR: Look at this! Look around you! You think this madness will end with your rule?

Thor and Loki have been going at it for a while at this point. And neither of them seem too committed to really hurting each other more than necessary. They’re both tired, they’re both scared (though they wouldn’t admit it), and they’re both hurt (in more than one sense).

And then Thor tries to reason with Loki again. He holds him still, leaving no room for escape, and forces him to confront the destruction this is causing, and Loki does.

Loki looks around and sees, truly, what is going on around him, and he’s horrified. He doesn’t want this, this wasn’t his goal, and now that it’s happening, it’s nothing like what he thought it would be.

And then we get this:

LOKI: (tries to look away) It's too late. It's too late to stop it.

This isn’t gloating, this is grief. He looks like he genuinely wants to put an end to the violence, but he doesn’t think it’s possible. He’s in over his head.

But Thor hasn’t given up yet. He still believes that they can work together, that their bond is strong enough to get through to Loki now that the seed of doubt has been planted. And you can practically see it working on Loki’s face. That he’s at war with his goals and his true desires and truly wants to say yes.

But Loki’s backed into a corner. At this point it’s important to remember he’s still under Thanos’s thumb, physically linked to the Other, being manipulated by the mind stone, and under threat and duress. To Loki, the choice Thor is giving him is not one he has the power to make. Still, he can’t trust himself to say no. He’s compromised, emotionally, and as long as Thor’s there daring to believe in him, he’s in danger.

THOR: No. We can. Together.

So Loki no longer wants to win, but he can’t, can’t say that, and so he gives himself an out the only way he thinks is possible. If he can’t make himself say no, and he can’t let himself say yes, he has to put distance between them, he has to get Thor to stop trying.

And so he stabs him— with a dagger that nominally would never do major harm to an Asgardian, aimed in an incredibly non lethal area.

To Loki at this moment, he’s acting out of desperate self preservation (admittedly in a way that is in reality self destructive, but, still…) And it works! His terrible plan works! (Yay for everyone but Loki!)

God he looks heartbroken. It’s like he knows if this works that Thor will give up on him, maybe, but that’s what he’s wanted, right? Right? (Wrong!)

And finally we have the iconic line:

LOKI: Sentiment

It’s said in a mocking tone, but not necessarily to Thor. This, to me (and other people I’ve heard analyze this scene) is said to himself. For letting himself be swayed by what he considers his greatest weakness, sentiment (and, possibly even more, Thor himself).

I don’t have a gif for this one, but I love when people reference him leaving the staff behind. Because it’s very clearly an act of helpfulness through omission. Loki cannot accept Thor’s help, or his entreatment to help, so he does the next best thing— leave the staff— which effectively grants the Avengers the final (literal) key they need in order to win.

I always think of this scene as a great climax of all the pressure Loki is under to perform in this movie. His mask breaks, and he nearly gives in, but in the end his fear is too strong. And so, like a trapped animal, he lashes out in order to remove himself from the situation.

At least, that’s what I think.

I can't see Vincenzo like a villain. It was his environment and mafia influence. He was raised with a lot of violence and brutality around but deep inside he has beautiful soul wchich he discover when he met Cha Young. So maybe he is ruthless and evil but for her and their Geumga family he is their hero.

helloooo!! thank you for sending something in!

i don't believe vincenzo is a villain at all. to be a villain you have to have bad actions and bad intentions. vincenzo might have bad actions but he doesn't have bad intentions which doesn't make him a villain, it makes him an anti-hero.

what i like most about vincenzo, more than other dramas, is that i find his attitude a lot more realistic than most lawyer/crime dramas. in a lot of these dramas, the hero's are well, good intentioned people who do things the morally right way. but the point of a villain like han seok is that you cannot win against him unless you use his own tactics and worse against him and in our world, majority of the villains are like him: people who have bad actions and bad intentions. i love that both vincenzo and cha-young aren't fighting babel because they're morally upstanding, it's because they want to get revenge that law couldn't deal to jang han seok.

i do agree with you though, i think he liked his life in italy but he was so involved in the mafia life that he didn't know the family and connections he was missing. enter the plaza and cha-young and they, whether vincenzo liked it or not, have a permanent home in his heart. i dont think he could ever go back to italy after having such a wonderful family and having genuine human connection.

with cha-young, i think both him and her are very similar in different ways. cha-young is someone who swallows down her emotions and she masks it with her bright, stubborn attitude. words are not how she expresses her love. i think this is obvious from how she interacts with her dad. she says she's fine with being disowned and she's fine with fending and thinking for herself but her actions speak otherwise. she continually takes care of her dad, jun woo, and everyone close to her while masking her emotions up. her emotions run very deep and she is emotionally invested in the fight with babel BECAUSE she lost her dad without every saying goodbye or reconciling.

vincenzo on the other hand, keeps his heart cold, his emotions to the minimum. he does feel, very deeply if he lets himself but turning off his emotions is how he copes with them which opposes cha-young. still he is also not good with words and he doesn't know how to express his more vulnerable emotions. just like cha-young, this is best seen through his mother and just how long he spends observing and repressing his wants to be with her, to be cared for until he was sure of his emotions and how he felt. but just like cha-young he was too late.

both of them are very similar characters but their differences is what makes them push each other outside their comfort zones, without it being too much. both vincenzo and cha-young check for approval when they push each other outside their comfort zones (cha-young apologizing when giving advice about vincenzo's mother and continually checking his comfort when she hugs him. vincenzo always looks for approval when he plans or executes revenge on her behalf). basically, they're good for each other.

also, i think his mother's death changed his investment in this fight with babel. earlier, when prosecutor jung betrayed them, cha-young stormed out, unable to deal with her feelings of disappointment and tiredness from fighting this long. and vincenzo asked her to keep her heart cold in response because that was the only way he could comfort her, it was what he was doing. until he lost his mother who he had just gotten back, he can feel just how deep her pain runs. so when cha-young comforts him, she knows revenge is his comfort and allows him and doesn't ask him to hold himself back. cha-young and vincenzo now have an equal loss in the fight against babel and i don't think after this, he will ask her to keep her heart cold, because he understands.

i think vincenzo is more than a hero, he's family for all of them. he has his place in the plaza and honestly i don't think the plaza residents would ever feel the same without him anymore. i think visually too, in the first couple episodes the plaza was broken down and everyone was in their separate shops and there was bickering at times but now visually the plaza is much brighter and we see more of the residents spending time together. i think it's an indication that after vincenzo, the plaza brightened up into a wonderful space.

lmao okay this definitely went on a tangent lolll, but feel free to add on to this!!

📂 hmmm let's see... how about Toph?

aw Toph Beifong, how I love you,

Okay. So. First:

Obviously, Toph can tell when people are lying, but much like how the gaang always forgets that she’s blind, they forget that she’s a living lie detector. After the war ends, the kiddos are all obviously traumatized and always ask each other how they’re doing and they usually always say “fine” and Toph can feel that they’re lying but she just... doesn’t do anything. Sometimes it’s obvious a person is lying, but sometimes they can really pull it off and Toph is the only one who knows. She just lets them be, though, because she would want to be left alone too. In her mind, if it was a big enough deal, they wouldn’t say that they’re fine (also because that’s the reasoning she gives herself to not talk about her problems). She doesn’t want to push them.

Eventually, and let’s use Aang here because poor kid suffers so much trauma and no one really talks about that much (myself included, I need to pay more attention to Aang), Aang’s mental health really starts declining and everyone is really worried but Toph always lets it go because she doesn’t want to push him or stress him out. One time, it’s so bad that they ask Toph to out Aang for lying and she just shrugs and says “he wasn’t lying” even though he definitely was.

After a week or two like this, Aang kind of just breaks down and Toph instantly feels guilty because deep down she feels like she could have prevented it, but she didn’t. It’s one of those times when she learns that letting people believe a lie, no matter how good intentions are, is worse and more hurtful than telling the truth.

It kind of starts making her more honest than before. She began by calling everyone out on every little lie until she realized it would probably be better to talk to people in private and I just... mmm... I feel like Toph wields so much power after the war because everyone will always say “I’m fine” and she knows, she knows, they’re lying.

And now for an angsty Toph-related headcanon because I said so:)

Toph’s parents. Mmmm. I have not read the comics and also I heard they were... iffy... so we’re disregarding comics here. Toph’s parents kind of suck. Like, once she talks to them after the war, they treat her like a helpless child again and not the LITERAL HERO she is. She doesn’t live with them, but she wants a relationship with them, even though she physically cannot make her say it out loud. So, eventually she blows up at them and Earthbends and her parents are like “okay, if you’re not a child, then start acting like an adult” and COMPLETELY misread the intention behind what Toph was saying. Ontop of that, they constantly complain about everything to her. Like trivial things. They complain about trivial things to a traumatized child (not to mention they did like nothing during the war smh, they just sat there and were rich). Like, they complain about each other to Toph say all of these things that she never wanted to hear ever and that no parents should actually burden their child with. Eventually she just... stops.

She just never answers letters, never returns to the city, much less the house. And it just... it kills her because she wanted to fix their relationship. She wanted to try and be a family again and she tried. She tried so hard but her parents never pit any effort in.

It was actually Zuko (or Azula...) who kind of made her realize. Like, I’m just gonna say: Sokka and Katara HATE Toph’s parents, like, with a burning passion. Toph offhandedly mentioned some of the terrible things her mom said about her dad and vice versa to the gaang and Katara was about to go give them the biggest lecture they had ever received. Katara lowkey got all mother hen (but sometimes Suki would have to drag her back and be like “you’re smothering her” so Toph wouldn’t feel like Katara was acting like her parents) (and again, Toph would never say it outloud, but she could never think of Katara in that way ever. She’s SUCH a better person than her parents could ever be) and would try and... not be the mother Toph never got to have, but give her the support she never had.

Anyways, Zuko or Azula talk to Toph and are like “take it from one abused child to another, your parents are abusing you” which just confirms the suspicions she had deep down but refused to believe. She was just filled with so much rage because it’s not fair and she was trying so hard but her parents really don’t care about her in the way that they should of and she gave them so many chances to be better but they never took it.

okay so, sadness over, let’s make Toph happy:)

Toph is asexual (and maybe aromantic, unsure as of right now) because I said so:))

Toph takes great pleasure in going to The Jasmine Dragon and just... listening to make sure no one is ever rude to Iroh or any of the other employees ever. If they are, she causes trouble so they can feel ashamed for being mean to people in food service.

no you know what? Am I going too overboard? Yes. Do I care? No. One friendship Toph headcanon for everyone in the gaang.

Aang: Toph and Aang both help remind the other that they’re children because they both forget sometimes. Toph is great at taking Aang away from work and making him take breaks and spend time for himself rather than others. Aang is great at giving Toph the “having friends as a child” experience she never had. He teaches her games he learned from all four nations as a child and sometimes they do really ‘childish’ things like playing bending tag or even like regular tag with each other just because it’s nice.

Katara: oooh the Toph and Katara friendship is one of my favorites in the show. The two are both ridiculously competitive. Like. Out of everyone in the gaang, they are the most competitive (let’s be real, Sokka is too petty and WE NEED TO FOLLOW THE GAMES RULES to be competitive and Zuko just gets angry and rage quits). But eventually, they learn that they’re stronger when they work together and make a competitive truce. So whenever people need to team up for games, they immediately go to each other and they destroy everyone.

Sokka: Sokka and Toph ahhhhh I love them so much. Sokka adopted Toph as his daughter-sister, as in he can’t choose whether he wants to replace her dad and be her dad or be the protective but not overly protective older brother she never had, so he calls himself “father-brother” and everyone hates it, but Sokka was never good at naming things. Also, one time they were really bored, so they decided to try and invent a language that is never spoken, but can be interpreted through Earthbending. Like, different methods of bending meant different things and stuff. It worked... kind of? Sokka likes learning and Toph likes kicking dirt and making people confused about what they were doing. They both have short attention spans, though, so they didn’t get far. They each still remember s=certain things and still talk through it (since Sokka is not an Earthbender, he taps his foot on the ground or kicks dirt a certain way. It’s kind of like morse code, bit different because only Toph can feel the taps).

Suki: Suki Suki Suki I love you! Suki is Toph’s go-to for fake relationships. Like. These two have been in a fake relationship with each other too many times to count. Toph’s parents invite her to a formal event but she needs to bring a date (and also she doesn’t want to go but she wants to repair the relationship)? Suki is her date. Suki needs to attend a royal event because she’s the highest Fire Nation palace guard (because I said so)? Toph comes as her date. A random person is hitting on either of them and they don’t know how to respond without unnecessary violence? Find the other and kiss their face.

Zuko: Zuko and Toph, what a pair. They both find beauty in nature (in different ways, obviously), so they’re walking buddies. They’ve gone on hikes together, like week-long hikes together. They’ll walk around the palace together... sometimes they’ll just sit together in silence because they don’t always need words to be friends.

Azula: (because yes, I am including the three girls): y’all. These two together can scare the entire world. Not just because they are actually insanely powerful, but because they make the most horrific self-deprecating jokes known to man and say it with intense seriousness that everyone has been genuinely worried at some point before they caught on (if it’s serious, they say it as a joke). One time, they both made these depressing jokes at lunch and Aang choked on his food. He didn’t die, but like. He was so unprepared that he choked. What I’m saying is, these two have a really weird relationship that takes place entirely through insults at each other, theirself, and everyone they love.

Ty Lee: Toph was actually scared of Ty Lee at first because of her chi blocking abilities. Not like terrified-scared, but like if you even take one more step towards me I will smash you with a boulder no matter your intentions-scared. Also, Ty Lee was so perky and kind of loud and Toph found that suspicious at first. It wasn’t like an Aang perky or loud, it was like... well, Toph couldn’t explain it (as in, I, op, cannot explain it), but it was a bit overwhelming? And then one time Ty Lee just. randomly visited her at her parents’ house even though they “weren’t friends” and Toph was just ????? but let her come in for dinner anyway because she kind of wanted to see how her parents would react to this peppy girl. Her parents ended up making a kind of snide remark at Toph’s expense during dinner (which was the usual but Toph didn’t realize it was a b u s e) and Ty Lee went off. That’s when Toph knew there were reasons to be terrified of this girl, but she would never be on the receiving end of her fury unless she really deserved it. They have very different family situations, but take pleasure in actually talking about it to each other. Because Ty Lee is a very open person and Toph is not. Toph thinks it’s nice to just let Ty Lee ramble on (kind of like Mai) and Ty Lee thinks Toph gives really good advice and has good insights (plus strives to help her feel more comfortable with her feelings). They become spontaneous buddies and randomly show up at each other’s houses when they’re living at home and it’s just nice.

Mai: last but never least, Mai and Toph! These two. feel for each other. so much. Rich kids, only children, parents who ignore them, ahhhhh, do you smell that? The repression of feelings:) Sometimes, they prefer to just be around each other because everyone else can kind of be overwhelming. They can communicate through few words and they both like throwing things, so they like sparring together a lot, It gives them a chance to throw things with another person who likes throwing things. For them, sparring is like this connection and it’s own method of loving each other (as friends do) and it’s just really nice for both of them.

Okay. I am done. Thank you, Grace, for fueling me.

I love Toph and I don’t give her enough attention.

Cottage Witch Journal Entry

I have a longing for Tennessee. 

I have a pure, unadulterated and wild attraction to the Tennessee Mountains. This is a dream I’ve had, and a yearning I’ve felt, for years. A need to be hidden deep in the mountains in a tiny cottage/cabin of sorts. I’m sure this is an affinity very popular in mainstream culture today, and all I can think of when I hear people say they want a cottage or cabin in the mountains is, “How the Hell does everyone expect to FIT on these mountains?!” But, this is my Shadow Self, the over realistic and overthinking side of myself. And I easily get discouraged from my own wants thinking of others wants. 

This is a side of me to notice in myself. I need to be able to move past thoughts of, “If everyone wants it, I’ll never have it.” and move forward with thoughts of, “This is something I want for myself, and I deserve to work hard for it.” And that’s a goal I have with myself. 

You see, this post isn’t just about my want to be in Tennessee in the woods, it’s much deeper than that I feel. It’s about improvement and wanting to grow. 

I bring up Tennessee because that is not a goal I can easily obtain within a couple of weeks or even a month. But, it is something I want to build up to obtaining. Something I want to do right so that everything is exactly as it needs to be. And I can’t fully accomplish this until I accomplish other goals that take precedent first. For Example, my physical health.

As a witch, I truly believe in loving every part of yourself, the good and the bad. The exciting and the terrifying. The understood and the neglected. Part of this acceptance process is learning what is and is not acceptable for my body. Now, I have struggled with my weight and how I see myself since I was a child. I remember a little boy seeing my tummy in a bathing suit in 1st grade and him telling me I was fat and that his dad said fat girls were ugly. Comments like this, stares and whispers were constant when in regards to my weight. It felt like an overwhelming amount of attention was directed at the way I looked, even if no one was looking at me I felt as though everyone was thinking about it. Over the years, this mental state took a tole on a lot more than I expected, even affecting me today with my Significant Other. The consistent attention to my own weight pulled me into depression, our of depression, into anxiety and out of anxiety. What I mean is I had an up and down relationship with my tummy. 

I felt abandoned most days. I would get this idea that I was too much and not enough all at once. A gentle and cooing tone from my toxic thoughts led to a lot of issues and concerns for me and my health. Some days, I would read something that made me feel as though I was a Queen. A bad bitch lurking in this cruel world and taking it by the throat to stare it in the eyes and say, “I love my body fat.” 

The sad part is your heart, mind and body know when you are lying to it. I didn’t love my body. Not in those confident moments and not in those depressed moments. I was locked away in a cage in my mind that gave me two illusions to choose from, while hiding my third option under the rug. I neglected my feelings because I didn’t want to experience them. I neglected my health because I didn’t want to deal with it. And I neglected my body because I hated it. 

Reality here is that this is the only fucking body I have. Do you understand that? Let me repeat this so maybe you can understand how harsh of a reality this was to me. 

I am on this Earth for goodness knows how long. 50 years, 20 years, 72 days. I don’t know, and no one does. I was literally forced into owning this body, whether I like it or not, it is mine. I can move houses, I can get a new car, I can get a new job. I cannot get a new body. 

I heard this in High School and started what I called my weight loss journey. I lost maybe 20 pounds while attending a workout-boot camp of sorts and trying to maintain a healthy diet. That sentence resonated so much with me that I repeated it every day to myself. My motivation was on point. Then, I stopped going. There are multiple reasons why I stopped, but none of them are rightful excuses.

I just stopped. 

Now, during those days I had lost weight, I was starting to gain confidence in myself and was attempting to genuinely look out for my health. I had more energy and felt amazing! But like I said, I had stopped for terrible reasons. 

Fast-forward to college and you will find a very anxiety filled, sleep deprived and mentally exhausted Carly. Some nights I wouldn’t sleep but for 4-5 hours. Other nights I didn’t sleep at all. I believe my stay up streak was 3, going on 4 nights. All due to homework. My coping technique has always been eating food, too. So when you have a sleep deprived student settled next to a 24/7 pizza joint with half baked cookies, you gain 30-40 pounds. 

At 245 Pounds, I was at my heaviest. This weight gain came on as my roommates were saying I was fat, stupid and were making me question myself frequently. Self hate festers among others who don’t value your worth, remember that. So, through those years of college I weighed an uncomfortable amount of weight that made my body start shutting down physically. 

Mental Health had a lot to do with my physical health, here as well. When I was in a really bad place, I would stop moving completely and just sit still. If I had a terrible feeling, I’d cook something to make myself feel better or would just grab a processed, quick snack. It was a pattern of mine. I’d get just enough motivation to do one or two things, and then I’d stop all together and feel as though that was enough for a few weeks. 

Eventually, when I was done with college, I started back on that rollercoaster of healthy and unhealthy. I’d lose 5 pounds, then gain 7 pounds right back. I started detail critiquing myself and stressing myself out. My weight never could get under control, and I couldn’t break the 200 mark to save my life. I would see pictures and videos of myself and feel as though I had eaten an entire buffet. Not too long after getting with my S/O and starting my job as a Sexual Violence Outreach Advocate, I got sick.

It started as a birthday dinner at a Korean Barbecue in 2019. I was with my two best friends at the time and having a blast. We all ate the same food, but when I woke up the following morning I was throwing up everything in my tummy. 

The throwing up went on for 4 days before I was taken to the hospital, only for them to release me saying it was virus. My personal doctor couldn’t figure out what was wrong and it eventually became an everyday thing. I would wake up between 3-6 in the morning, go to the bathroom and be sick for hours before pulling myself together to make it to work. 

Weeks turned into months, and months turned into a year. 

I lost 50 pounds from this thing that no doctor could seem to figure out. I got x-rays and everything, but nothing and no one could tell me exactly what was going on with me. I couldn’t eat anything friend, only raw fruits and veggies, or broth. I only drank water and ginger based drinks, and could not for the life of me stop what was going on with my body. Many doctors tried to pass it as a virus, stomach ulcers, GURD, or even Heart Burn (?). None of them were right. 

After a long time, my mom finally confessed that every woman in our family has Endometriosis. If you don’t know what this is, it is the build up of scar tissue on the outside of your uterus. This leads to nausea, ovarian cysts (which they found on me in x-rays) and sub or infertility. No doctor can diagnose it, either, unless you have a surgery to see if there is scarring. So for many, suffering on your own is easier than seeing a doctor. 

I discussed this with my doctor, and it was as if a light flashed in her brain. This is a disease she cannot say I have, but can say it sounds very much like that. It is hereditary and once you have it, you have it for good.

After this information entered my line of though, I decided the stress from my job was too much for too little pay, and chose to leave. Leading up to my leaving the job, I was sick almost every second of every day. The moment I left, I felt better.

I still feel pain in my ovary area, but because I don’t have the money to see a doctor, and can control my pains with eating habits and physical influence, I choose to work through it alone. 

I said ALL THAT BACKGROUND BULLSHIT JUST TO SAY THIS!!!!!

This is the part that marks my new journey. It is the Journey to Strength and Well Being. The Journey to Feeling Good. The Journey the Choosing my happiness over anything else. And the Journey to choosing the health of my body over my insecurities.

I wrote this because a couple of days ago I had a very graphic and vivid dream about my boyfriend falling in love with the woman I wanted to be. In other words, I seen him with a woman who literally presented all of my insecurities to me. Small, lithe and dainty, gentle and calming, and everything I wasn’t. She was beautiful. And he seen this, and did things for her that he never did for me. I woke up almost in tears, because my emotions were raw, but I had no idea that my insecurities were still very deeply rooted. 

I pondered over the last few days of this dream. What it could mean, what I should do, how I should feel and I have finally come to a conclusion.

This dream is a depiction of my fears. My brain was saying, “You need to address this shit right now.” and did it in the most face slap kind of way I could think. 

I still, even after learning to love myself genuinely, have image issues that need to be nurtured and tended to before I can move forward in my life.

So, I’m making 1-3 goals every month that are attainable and reachable. This will be a brick road to my obtaining that cottage/cabin in the Tennessee Mountains. 

This months Goals start today! 

GOAL 1 -  Learn to do a split, find a healthy yoga sequence, be able to do 15 pushups, & 30 Squats by the end of December. 

GOAL 2 - Make a conscious effort to what you eat/making a new dish once a week to try.

GOAL 3 - Save $100.

This is a process, and I am only human. I don’t want to fall back into the habits of toxic mentality. I don’t want to neglect myself or how I feel and I don’t want to lose myself in to the world in the process of searching for freedom from myself. 

I expect myself to exude self control, self love, and empowerment. I expect to expect better from and for myself, and I expect to accomplish my goals.

I manifest it here, I can do a split. I have a healthy maintainable yoga sequence that I have committed to growing expanding and changing. I can do 15 push ups and 30 squats. I have 100 dollars saved up already and make concious decisions that better my health rather than hurt it. This is part of my lifstyle now! 

And it is for the better!

Thank you to anyone who read this through. These entries are more for my benefit and thought process, but appreciate anyone who recognizes it or even relates and wants to talk about it. It’s personal to me and means a lot. I intend on being on here more often to update my challenges and express how I use my witchcraft in the process of this Journey.

I love you all! Stay safe, warm and full to the brim! Later Witches! xx

1149

A

What is your age? 22, but there’s less than a month to go before I turn 23.

What annoys you? Literally every single person who still supports the government at this point. For context, we are back to square one and we’re under the exact same quarantine imposed in March 2020 because of the surge in cases. Nothing has changed and nothing has been done in the last 365 days while people are getting hungrier and poorer. I’m done feeling hopeful for this country and I cannot wait to abandon it forever.

Do you have any allergies? Apparently, grass. Can’t be exposed to it for too long otherwise the skin on my thighs turn red and occasionally even get rashes.

B

Do you know anyone named Billy? Kind of, but they’re girls with their name spelled as Billie.

When is your birthday? April 21st and spending it in quarantine once again this year...

Who is your best friend(s)? Angela and Andi.

C

What's your favorite candy? I like gummy bears and worms. As for sweets, I really like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Butterfinger, Twix, and the Hershey’s Cookies and Creme bar.

When was the last time you cried? Maybe a day or two ago while watching a snippet from Caught in Providence.

Have you been out of the country? Yes.

D

Do you daydream? Not so much these days. I’ve been better at keeping my focus at work.

What's your favorite kind of dog? I love alllllll dogs, but I’d usually be wary of smaller dogs because 87% of the times I’ve met some, they’re aggressive or a bit moody. I don’t like stereotyping dogs as much as possible but because I’ve had direct experiences to back it up anyway, *shrug*

What day of the week is it? It’s a Sunday.

E

How do you like your eggs? Scrambled, poached, or an omelette with lots of fillings. Balut is also great.

Have you ever been in the emergency room? Only when I was born, I’m guessing.

What's the easiest thing ever to do? Idk, what comes easy to me might not be the same for others. But my answer would be to smile, regardless if it were genuine or otherwise.

F

Have you ever flown in a plane? Yeah, many times. The child-like excitement I get whenever I get on one will probably never go away, either.

Do you use fly swatters? No, my mom usually uses old shoebox covers or rolled-up scratch papers we have lying around to swat them.

Have you ever used a foghorn?: Only in video games lol, never in real life.

G

Have you pet a goat? I don’t think I have. I’ve pet lots of animals before but I don’t think a goat has been one of them yet.

Are you a giver or a taker? Giver, but I’ve been allowing myself to take more these days.

Do you like gummy candies? Love them.

H

How are you? We’ve entered summer weather now, so I feel hot and miserable. It’s also Sunday and I am stuck at home, which doesn’t make me the happiest camper.

What's your height? 5′1″ or a tiny tiny tiny bit taller than that.

What color is your hair? It’s black but on extremely rare occasions I’ll catch a single light brown strand when I play with my hair.

I

What's your favorite ice cream? Cookies and cream and chocolate chip cookie dough. My friend Leigh actually started her own ice cream shop recently and I bought her coffee crumble ice cream, and it is sooooooooo fuckinggggggggg good??????? It’s so rare to find coffee ice cream where I live period, so I’m fucking stoked to have a close friend who makes literally the best one and in generous servings too.

Have you ever ice skated? Many times as a kid. I was never formally trained, but it was something I wanted to try from watching other kids play in mall ice skating rinks; and when I did give it a shot, I ended up enjoying it. Luckily my mom was encouraging and actually frequently dropped me off at a rink so I can practice gliding and all for a few hours while she ran errands.

Have you cheated the IRS? That’s like an American tax thingy, right? We don’t have that here and my employer handles my TIN.

J

What's your favorite jelly bean? Not a big fan but if I had to have Jelly Belly, I obviously would want to get the pleasant-tasting ones.

Do you tell jokes? Yes.

Do you wear nice jewelry? Only on special occasions.

K

Do you want to kill anybody? I don’t want to kill anybody but I certainly wish a good number of public officials would finally die.

Do you want to have kids? Yes. I really wish I could still have a future with them. Thanks for the trauma, my real asshole of an ex.

Where did you have kindergarten? Somewhere.

L

Are you laidback? I doubt my friends would use this to describe me. I for sure lean more towards the uptight side of the spectrum.

Do you lie? Eh, occasionally.

When is the last time you sent a hand-written letter? I have no idea. Christmas 2019 maybe?

M

Ever talked in a microphone? Sure. Many times.

Do you still watch Disney Movies? I very rarely get in the mood for them if I’m by myself, but yes, I’d gladly sit down and watch should an opportunity come.

Do you like mangoes? No.

N

Do you have a nickname? 99% of people call me Robyn while my family calls me Byn, but there are a select few friends who’ve stayed long enough with me to catch other names I’ve gotten over the years, which have since become inside jokes/nicknames. There’s Reben and Rolayn, and literally just yesterday ‘Roby’ happened when I ordered food for lunch so that will probably catch on as well.

What’s your favorite number? 4.

Do you prefer night over day? Absolutely.

O

Are you an only child? No, I’m two siblings away from that status.

Do you wish this was over? I haven’t felt that way, no.

What is the closet orange object near you? An orange tumbler my Kuya gave me as a Christmas gift in 2019. There is also orange tape wrapped around the charger adaptor of my company laptop.

P

What one fear are you most paranoid about? Waking up in the middle of surgery and being unable to speak nor move.

Do you play any instruments? Nope.

Do you think you are pretty? Some days.

Q

Are you quick to judge people? No, unless they are already blatantly showing their character like being rude towards service staff, tossing their trash to the ground, or cutting in queues. Whenever those things happen I give myself the space and freedom to guiltlessly judge.

What do you keep quiet about? How dysfunctional my family really is, and the things I really want to say about Gabie.

Do you have any quirks? Food-wise, I like peeling off the breading from fried chicken and placing them on the side of my plate so I can eat them last, because they’re my favorite part.

R

What’s a good reason to cry? Frustration. Crying can be really helpful in lessening stress.

Do you think you're always right? No.

Do you watch reality TV? Not religiously, but I love watching snippets of reality shows on Facebook because they’re all so embarrassing and it’s hilarious to watch hahahahah. Literally last night I was watching clips of Big Ed on 90 Day Fiance.

S

Are you a social person? More so now than I was years ago.

What states have you lived in? I lived in Manila briefly but it didn’t take long till we transferred to another city for a more peaceful life in the suburbs.

What is your favorite season? I wanna say winter because of what I’ve seen from it in movies and shows, but I’ve never actually experienced it before.

T

When did you last sleep in a tent? Sometime in March or April last year.

Do you like tomatoes? Mostly in diced form. Tomato sauce is fine but I don’t really like it in my pasta. Bloody Mary also tastes rather awful.

What time did you wake up? 8:30 AM.

U

Do you have an umbrella in your car? I think so, yeah. I finally placed one in there lmao.

Do listen to Usher? Eh, not really. 2000s R&B isn’t my thing, save for Beyoncé.

Describe the underwear your wearing? It’s light blue.

V

What’s the worst veggie? I never learned to like pechay. I’d still eat it, but only because I like cleaning up my entire plate.

Do you like movies with violence? Some. Like I hate action movies but I enjoyed A Clockwork Orange and Scream lol.

Where do you want to go on vacation? I recently bookmarked an Airbnb in Zambales and the accommodation is basically this super cute line of tipi-styled huts by the beach. I'd love to have a solo trip push through once this Covid mess subsides.

W

Ever been on a wave runner? No.

Where do you work? I work in a PR company.

Do you wish on stars? Just sometimes.

X

Have you ever had an x-ray? Only for mandatory medical exams.

Do you own a xylophone? I think I had a toy one as a kid, but it’s not with me anymore.

Have you watched the x-games? No, not interested.

Y

What did you do yesterday? I stayed at home; ordered food for Angela as a surprise; debated if I should buy a pair of Air Maxes – and ultimately decided I’ve already spent too much this month to deserve a new pair of shows lol; and just settled to buy a new night lamp for my bedroom. I also watched the newest episode of 2 Days 1 Night and ate more of Leigh’s ice cream while doing work.

Do you like the color yellow? Only in mustard yellow. I also like the song Yellow, heh.

What year were you born?: 1998.

Z

Do you believe in the zodiac? No.

Has your bank account been at zero? No. I remember when I was first opening my own account at the bank and the clerk told me to make sure I don’t go below P2,000, and my intensely by-the-book ass has been following the rule ever since, even though my dad has told me it’s absolutely fine to go below it so long as I have P2,000 back in the account after a month hahaha.

Ever been to the zoo? A few.

‘Black Swan’: The Price of Perfection **analysis**

Now, Darren Aronofsky’s Black Swan (2010) is in the top two of my favourite movies of all time, and a film that I have watched, analysed, and researched into many times. I think it is synonymously beautiful and brutal, and despite its exaggerated gothic elements, contains themes that are very applicable to the world around us. Of course we will never know the exact interpretation intended unless we speak to Darren ourselves, but I am the second best you have got right now. So sit back, relax, and enjoy my take on this mesmerising, yet so very perverted film.

If you have not seen the film (please see it) then here is a quick summary. We are presented with our protagonist, Nina (Natalie Portman), a young ballerina in her twenties who lives with and is constantly infantilised by her, for lack of a better word, weird, mother (Barbara Hershey). She goes to her ballet studio where she and her other ballerina colleagues are told by their smarmy French choreographer, Thomas, (expertly played by Vincent Cassel) of their new production - Swan Lake. The lucky lead dancer will get to play dual roles of both the ‘White Swan’ and ‘Black Swan’. Though we soon learn that whilst Nina is perfect as the innocent and fragile ‘White Swan’, she obtains neither the passion nor edge to portray the ‘Black Swan’, unlike her vampy new rival, Lily (played by lookalike Mila Kunis). The story delves into Nina’s twisted struggle to grow up and unleash her dark, sexy side to effectively become the ‘Black Swan’, and all the pain and difficulties that come with it.

Now from that description you have probably noticed how Nina seems to be intimidated and antagonised by virtually every other character in the movie, although it is not always clear if this is an element of her imagination, paranoia, or genuine, nevertheless it serves to show how weak and victimised she is, or believes herself to be. In one scene, when she goes over to Thomas’s place to convince him for the part, he comes onto her and directly asks if she is a virgin, which she denies, although very coyly and unconvincingly. Being so childlike and sexually stunted, she exerts this sexual repression through self-mutilation and violence, such as ripping skin from her fingers and toes, making herself vomit several times, and finally stabbing herself in the abdomen with a shard of mirror, representing her full irreversible transformation into the ‘Black Swan’. Some argue that the blood from her wound represents her “symbolic deflowerment” (Ritzenhoff, p.114), mirroring bleeding after having sex for the first time, or menstruation, solidifying her entry into womanhood. This not only displays her newfound maturity, but also the fact that she would literally kill for the role. This grotesque imagery goes against the typical perceptions of ballet, traditionally thought of as delicate and feminine, the film displays “the grotesque nature of beauty, [which] is demonstrated through images of mutilated ballerina feet and depictions of the ballet company as brutally competitive” (Sandino, 2013, p. 308), displaying the most prominent theme in the film, the juxtaposition between violence and beauty, i.e. the Black and White Swan.

‘The Double’ is a classic narrative device used within the gothic genre, and this is exemplified through the character of Lily. Lily’s character purpose is pretty straightforward, she is meant to directly represent the Black Swan to Nina's White Swan. Throughout the film Nina continually sees her own face upon Lily’s, to the point where she starts imagining her there when she is not, this displays the decline of Nina's mental state, but also her desire to be daring like Lily.

I also referred to Nina’s mother, Erica, as ‘weird’ without any explanation. Of course if you have seen the film you will understand why I am describing her in this way, if not it may seem a tad confusing. We see over the course of the film how influential and increasingly domineering her mother is, she starts cutting Nina’s nails too close when she is angry with her, she makes her daughter lick icing off her finger, she is shown sleeping in Nina’s bedroom whilst she is attempting to masturbate, and most freakishly of all, in a later scene when Nina and Lily start to engage in sex, Lily is heard calling Nina “my sweet girl” reminiscent of Erica. Many theorise that Erica was molesting her daughter which is why she is so sexually oppressed, and cannot engage in anything sexual without her mother popping into her head. Personally, I disagree with this idea. Whilst I agree Erica is abusive and oppressive, I do not believe that Nina’s sexual immaturity stems from sexual abuse, but from extreme infantilisation. Erica lives out her “psychosexual desire” (West-Leuer, 2017, p. 98) through her daughter, with most of Erica’s internalised anger deriving from Nina’s birth ending her own ballet career, fuelling her desire for Nina to be perfect, hence her possessiveness. 

I realise I have not really talked about my title much, ‘The Price of Perfection’, and how links to the film. Well within the film it serves as the force behind Nina’s motives, the reason why she wants to turn into the ‘Black Swan’ in the first place, to prove that she can do it, that she can play the role perfectly. In the end she does finally achieve her goal, her last line in the film being “I felt perfect, I was perfect” after her performance. Of course by this point she has stabbed herself with a shard of mirror which, as I mentioned earlier, represents the end of her innocence, with her boss Thomas and everyone from the ballet company looking in horror after they realise what she has done to herself. The ending is ambiguous as we do not know whether Nina dies or recovers, but the same point still stands- she would kill for perfection. Now we do not know if Aronofsky made this film as a form of social commentary, or purely for entertainment reasons, either way, it still highlights the dangers of attempting to attain perfection, and how much you have to sacrifice to achieve it. 

Bibliography

Randell, K. and Ritzenhoff, K. (eds.) (2012) Screening the Dark Side of Love: From Euro-Horror to American Cinema. Basingstoke: Palgrave Macmillan

West-Leuer, B. (2017) Black Swan- the sacrifice of a prima ballerina: Psychosexual (self-) injuries as the legacy of archaic experiences of violence, The International Journal of Psychoanalysis. Taylor and Francis.

Ten Steps Ahead (F!Byleth x Edelgard)

Rating: Mature Archive Warning: Graphic Depictions of Violence Category: F/F Words: 4,282 Summary:  Edelgard had lost Byleth after the Adrestian Empire had rebelled against the Church of Seiros. However, Volkhard's visit gave her what she wanted... but it appears that Edelgard has to be ten steps ahead of Those Who Slither in the Dark to save the very person she loved.

A/N: Has it really been that long since I’ve last written an Edeleth piece? Probably not, but it strangely felt like one. Hope you enjoy this. Might continue this after my finals once I get the chance. 

-----

Times moves forward, and time waits for no one. Edelgard von Hresvelg had always believed in that. No matter how much she yearned to change the past, it would do nothing but reopen old wounds. The least she could do is focus on the present and future. She had no choice but to move forward.

Until it came to her professor. Her beloved professor was caught up in a conflict that was never hers, to begin with. If there was one thing Edelgard wished to do, she wished for them to meet under different circumstances. Yet without her teacher, Edelgard would not be standing where she was now.

“I will always stay by your side,” Byleth whispered nectar into Edelgard’s ears one night, the two huddled underneath the sheets without a single piece of clothing article. The older female placed a tender kiss on the noble’s neck from behind as she uttered, “I promise you from the bottom of my heart.”

How horrifically wrong she was. Edelgard wanted to go back and slap her across the face. By her side, Byleth and Edelgard raised the flag to rebel against the Church of Seiros and enraged the Knights of Seiros. The fight against the Immaculate One devastated the monastery. Yet despite their victory, a price must be paid in full, and it was a payment she had no choice in.

Edelgard could never forget the expression that Byleth made before the crumbling structures fell upon her. Byleth was gone in a snap of a finger. As Rhea escaped from the premise with her surviving soldiers and guardians, the aftermath left the Adrestian Empire in complete disarray. A raw scream like never heard before echoed into the red horizon. Not even losing her siblings and undergoing the experimentations from Those Who Slither in the Dark threatened to tear her apart like this.

The emperor, despite her injuries, ran in a flurry at the mountainous heap. She sunk to her bruised knees, her fingers clawing and shifting the boulders around. No matter how big or small they were, Edelgard shoved them aside, the worn muscles beginning to tear and burn. Her progress was beginning to slow. Fresh blood smeared the dusty concrete and sand, her nails torn apart in the process. Edelgard lowered her head. The tears flowed down her cheeks, her wails unhidden, begging to a godless being for a miracle.

“BYLETH!!!”

She weakly pounded on the huge pile of debris. Dorothea and Hubert approached from behind and tried to stand her up. Their house leader violently shook them off and curled into a fetal position.

Edelgard had to try again. She cannot give up. She had to dig Byleth out. She can’t leave Byleth alone. Byleth means so much to her. Byleth promised her that they would always be together. Why did she go back on her words? Why did she do that? Why? Why did her girlfriend do that? Didn’t they promise they would also be engaged in the future? Were those false promises? Why? WHY? WHY? WHY? JUST WHY?!

“Lady Edelgard…”

Hubert grimaced when he saw his emperor crawl towards the heap. Edelgard’s efforts to dig their professor out was a futile attempt. But he could not bring himself to stop her. As a loyal servant, it was his job to do what was best for Edelgard. He glanced away and scowled when he could not budge from his spot. Hubert felt so useless.

As he stood there, Dorothea approached the young woman, her arms wrapped around the frail noble. There was a bit of resistance from Edelgard, but the strong grip from the songstress tempted Edelgard into submission.

“Edie, let’s go back.”

“…”

“We can’t do anything right now. Let’s return and try to find her again once you’re healed up.”

“…okay.”

Hubert took it upon himself to carry the poor emperor into his arms. When he glanced, he noticed just how vulnerable Edelgard was. She was covered in grime and blood, but underneath it all, she was nothing more than a young lady. Although Edelgard’s duty as an emperor was of utmost importance, sometimes Hubert wondered if she would’ve been happier if she were nothing more than that of an ordinary commoner. Even if it meant not meeting him, maybe he wouldn’t have to see her so distraught like this. Maybe she would have fallen in love with Byleth normally. The two wouldn’t have to go through this conflict… right?

He cursed to himself and rushed back to the group. Just like Edelgard, he understood the importance of the present and future, yet hoped for a miracle to rewrite history.

Especially right now.

It has been five years since the first phase of their rebellion against the Church of Seiros. Edelgard and Hubert made a temporary alliance with Those Who Slither in the Dark to achieve victory in the current deadlocked war. As for the rest of the Black Eagles, they slowly regrouped under her flag, their hopes for achieving a better future motivated by her speech and, most importantly, the slim miracle to see their professor again. After all, after the entire class and some trustworthy battalions removed the debris a couple of days later, Byleth’s body was nowhere to be found. Even Edelgard felt her heart aflutter from the news.

Search parties led by students from the Black Eagles Strike Squad spread throughout all parts of Fodlan. They’ve trekked through varying landscapes and came under crossfire on many occasions. However, the results delivered to Edelgard’s doorstep were always disappointing. There were noted rumors about the “Ashen Demon” running amok on the battlefield… but that can’t be it. If it were true, then Byleth would’ve returned. So far, that hadn’t happened.

Until one letter arrived. She and Hubert quickly canceled all events for the day in order to meet with the sender.

“I’ve found your beloved professor, niece.”

Volkhard, after entering the main entranceway of the monastery (acting as their main headquarter), motioned to the approaching figure. Edelgard and Hubert held their breath in anticipation.

“…”

It was her. It was truly her. Byleth Eisner was here. She stood in full glory as of the progenitor god, as their professor, and as her girlfriend. Edelgard had to rub her eyes to distill any illusion. It was too premature to be excited this soon… right? When she removed her hands, Byleth still stayed, unmoving. A genuine, rare grin sprouted from Edelgard’s face as she rushed forward.

“Oh, Professor—!”

She couldn’t believe it! Her professor— She’s here! She’s finally here! Edelgard could barely reel back the desire to kiss with her girlfriend this very instant!

When she hugged the older woman, she immediately observed her physical state. Byleth was thinner, her chin was more pointed, her body was sturdier, and there were notable fresh bruises painted on her exposed skin. When they parted, Edelgard stared into Byleth’s eyes. Those sunken eyes, though neon, had dulled.

“Professor…?”

“…”

Something was wrong. Something terribly wrong. Edelgard bit the bottom of her lip and gently shook Byleth’s shoulders.

“Professor, why aren’t you saying anything?”

“…”

Hubert noticed his highness’s confusion and glared at Volkhard. “May I ask why our professor refuses to speak to Lady Edelgard?”

“Hounds don’t need to talk.”

“Wha—” the young man was taken aback. “It may be rude of me to ask, but did you just call her a hound?”

The uncle sighed. He did not answer Hubert’s question, instead, directing his attention towards the two females. Volkhard snapped his fingers.

“Byleth, come here.”

“…”

To Edelgard’s horror, she watched her girlfriend obediently followed his instruction, returning to his side. Seeing her reaction caused her uncle to faintly smirk.

“I apologize, but your dear professor now works under me.”

“That’s… That’s not right!” Edelgard swung her arm outward. “She is our professor and has always been. As the emperor of the Adrestian Empire, I command that you return her back to us.”

“I’m afraid the emperor does not have full authority over who possesses what. Unless…” he narrowed his eyes. “You are that of a dictator. I’m sure your citizens would not be pleased.”

“Tch.”

He wasn’t wrong. Yet at the same time, Byleth was not a hound… and she was in no one’s possession. The fact that he treated her like an animal… This made Edelgard’s blood boil over. She then shot a glance at Byleth. Just why wasn’t Byleth saying anything? What was going on?

“…Please, let me stay with her.”

Well— Scratch that off, she could speak. Relief washed over Edelgard. She had to get a grip of herself before letting her knees instinctively buckle. Though it appears as if that evoked irritation from Edelgard’s uncle. Volkhard deeply breathed before mumbling, “Do as you wish, but I shall permit it starting tomorrow.” He glanced at Edelgard. “Is that sufficient, my niece?”

“Yes.”

Though Edelgard has every authority in this empire to take back her girlfriend, something felt off about the exchange, her guts screaming to keep her lips sealed and go along with the act. Besides, it would also do additional damage to her slowly diminishing reputation. The more drawn out the war, the more her citizens disliked her. She can’t lose the morale of the people in the empire any more than she has.

Eventually, Edelgard and Hubert were forced to watch Volkhard and Byleth take their leave from the once-holy ground.

Byleth paused. She glanced over her shoulder and spotted her girlfriend’s sadness. Then, a rare smile broke from the ex-mercenary’s stoic features.

“I never break my promise, El. Wait for me.”

It’s unfortunate that those words never made it to the emperor’s eardrums.

[-----]

Once Volkhard and Byleth distanced themselves far enough from Garreg Mach Monastery, they descended into a secret tunnel built by Those Who Slither in the Dark. Though their main hideout was in Shambhala, the organization expanded all across Fodlan to appear whenever and wherever desired. This was one of them.

Down the stairs they go in a rhythmic pattern, Byleth walking behind the man. With each step, the tunnel made of the earth’s soil transitioned to a metal pathway and a pulsating, neon blue line across the walls. Byleth began noticing a physical change of appearance in Volkhard. The uncle that should’ve been one of the many guiding figures in Edelgard’s life… It appears that he was long dead.

Once the ground flattened to a stable level, the duo was greeted with prisoner cells. Out of four, two of them were occupied. They were children with surgical stitches and scars running along their skin. Both the boy and girl trembled in the corner of their enclosed space at the sight of Byleth and Thales.

“…”

Byleth expected to be placed back into one of them. Ironically, it was the once place that she calls a safe haven for five long, arduous years, a place where she could curl up and sleep in her own misery. No… That wasn’t it. It was a place where she didn’t have to see the horrific experimentations and surgeries done unto those children. Their screams shattered bits and pieces of whatever sanity Byleth had. Witnessing it with her own eyes begged for merciful gouging.

“You…”

She stepped in once the metallic door was unlocked. Yet when she entered, so did the taller male.

“!”

Volkhard— No, Thales, immediately punched Byleth squarely in the face. When she stumbled backward, another punch was delivered into her abdomen. The wind was knocked out of her and caused the professor to go down on one knee. Byleth started to cough as Thales stared from above.

“What a fool you are to tell me what to do. Did you really miss her so badly?”

“…”

“You’re nothing but a dog, Fell Star. If I remember correctly, dogs don’t bite back at their masters.”

“Ggk…”

Byleth hated this treatment. When she was violently stirred awake from her short-term coma, she found herself in this underground facility. Close to the monastery, close to her students, close to her allies, yet so far away when Thales and members of Those Who Slither in the Dark conditioned the ex-mercenary into a powerful warrior for their needs. Five years of being grounded to the dirt into a lowly status of a hound. She wasn’t a human anymore nor a progenitor god through their eyes.

The number of deaths she tallied skyrocketed compared to her time as a mercenary. Ashen Demon was boldly adorned over her head with every swing of the Sword of Creator. She killed everyone in her sight. Criminals, soldiers, innocents… Their lives were extinguished in a single action, and their ghosts haunting Byleth until the day she joins their rank.

Though this was all in the name of surviving for one more day. Plus, Byleth would’ve gladly chosen death over it if it weren’t for her longtime commitment with Edelgard. She had to stay alive and see her girlfriend, bear with their cruelty, and condone their atrocious sins. Today was an example of her hard work paying off.

As she caught her breath, Thales’s voice boomed. “I want to remind you that we still need you for our grand plan.” His white eyes pierced through the female like icicles. “You have what we need in you and we need you to control Edelgard.”

Byleth raised her head. Compared to the look she had previously, they were ignited with a small flare. She spat, “Edelgard will never bow down to you. Using me won’t achieve your goal.”

He smirked. Then, leaning down, he mumbled, “But you can make her bow down to us.”

“!!!”

Thales got up and slammed his foot onto her hand. Hard. Byleth instantly cried out as pain rapidly spread from her fingerbones to the rest of her arm. She had to bite on her lip until it drew blood when the man twisted his metallic boot to the right. It felt as though the bones were creaking and snapping.

Eyes narrowed, Thales demanded, “You will report to us about her activities every night outside of the monastery. I will have a soldier deliver the message to us. Failure to do so…” He intensified his pressure onto her hand, causing Byleth to cry out again. “Will result in something far worse than death. Do you understand?”

“Y-Yes…”

“I can’t hear you.”

“Agh!”

He was relentless. If this was going to keep it up, Byleth’s dominant hand was going to be broken. And if they’re broken, she would be forced under the knife again for healing… without anesthetics. Byleth frantically shouted,

“YES!”

When he released his hold, Byleth immediately withdrew her hand to her chest, fear glistening in her neon hues. The sight of watching the woman known as the Ashen Demon succumb was a reward in of itself to Thales.

Out of all the military members he recruited by force, none was as strong-willed as Byleth. She would always bite back. She was no fool either. Weak points that he had never noticed came to light when the warrior exposed it. Too bad Byleth is only a single woman. One versus a dozen without her weapon would always end poorly. Time and time again, Byleth landed back into her prison cell, Thales forcefully conditioning her to follow their code. It took months to weaken her until she became that of an obedient hound.

He turned his back towards her, but not without leaving his parting message.

“You should thank Edelgard for bringing you to me. If she hadn’t abandoned you, perhaps you wouldn’t be here.”

“…”

After the loud metallic slam of the barred door, his footsteps started to fade. Byleth realized she had held her breath once silence returned. The teacher scooted to the side of her confinement and leaned against the chilly wall. Neon blue dimly lit just enough for her to examine the afflictions.

‘ He didn’t fracture my bones. ‘

Byleth’s hand didn’t possess a stabbing pain when she flexed and moved her fingers. She weakly tightened it into a fist and stared up at the futuristic ceiling.

‘ El… ‘

She never blamed Edelgard for the fate that she had received. Perhaps it was… what was it that Mercedes or Marianne once said… Karma? Yeah, was this karma for the killings she had done as a mercenary that led her to this position? Byleth brought her knees in and rested her head on them.

Regardless, she at least met Edelgard in person, and properly this time. It was a gutsy move and Byleth feared the wrath that would incur from Thales. However, perhaps it was a blessing that he had granted her this peace. But there was a catch. Thales was not stupid. He had always thought two steps ahead of everyone. This could be the same. Byleth scrunched her brows. Despite the throbbing aches, she felt a drowsy spell be cast upon her mind and closed her eyes.

‘ I… I’m going to be by El’s side again… ‘

[-----]

Edelgard propped herself up on the mattress. In her white nightgown, the young noble stifled an audible yawn, her scarred arms outstretched up in the air. Birds chirped in the background as natural sunlight washed over parts of the flooring. If Edelgard were, to be honest, she’s not exactly a morning person, but… she had to do what she had to do as an emperor. She must always be punctual and there for her people.

Not much time was spent getting ready despite her flamboyant attire and hairdo. White switched with red, the ex-house leader left the noble’s dormitory floor.

Or so she was supposed to. Opening her bedroom door greeted her with a familiar presence… and a presence she yearned so much for.

“Byleth!”

The older woman cracked a smile. Then, she fell forward and into the welcoming embrace of her girlfriend. Edelgard nearly vocalized her surprise from the amount of weight Byleth dropped on her— or rather, the lack of it.

“Are you okay?!”

“I’m… just tired.”

“Tired?”

Byleth nodded. “I didn’t sleep much last night.”

It was unfortunate that Thales and some scientists decided to experiment on one of the kids roughly an hour after she nodded off. The event that transpired right afterward startled her awake to their piercing shrieks. Though Byleth was never subjected to their experimentations (it was unnecessary), she couldn’t imagine the agony they had to go through. After all, all four cells, including her, were originally occupied. One of them had died from the implantations of multiple Crests. It might’ve been a blessing to that teenager as they didn’t have to suffer anymore. The other two were the unlucky bunch for five years.

‘ I want to go back and save them, but… ‘

“Do you want to sleep in my room for the morning?”

Byleth couldn’t answer anyway as Edelgard immediately plopped her onto the mattress. The comfortable mattress that she had taken for granted from becoming a professor… If she wasn’t careful, the ex-mercenary would be easily lulled to sleep. She silently shook her head. This caused Edelgard to pout.

“Why are you objecting— Wait… I don’t remember you having a bruise near your nose.”

“…”

Well… Thales did punch her… twice. The pain had subsided when she had woken up and there was no mirror to check her features. No wonder why some of her alumni that spotted her gasped from sight. When she stayed quiet once more, Edelgard sat on the edge of the bed. She reached over to caress Byleth’s swollen cheek.

This warmth again. How long has it been since she’s last had her girlfriend touch her? Byleth caved in and nuzzled against her rough palm. Then, despite years of inability, she began to cry. This startled Edelgard, but only for a little bit. The emperor quickly laid down and pulled Byleth into a hug despite the height difference.

“Byleth...” Hearing her name being called caused the teacher to curl into a fetal position and bury her face into the noble’s chest. Edelgard’s heart clenched at the sorrowful sight. She tightly held onto the older woman and allowed her to weep. “I can’t say I understand why you’re crying, but I’m here for you. Whenever you’re ready to tell me… please… let me know.”

Byleth cried even harder into her girlfriend. “I’m… I’m scared!”

“Scared?”

“Of Those Who Slither in the Dark!”

“?!”

Those Who Slither in the Dark. Why did she bring up those names? Was it because of Volkhard? But it appears that it wasn’t the case when Byleth clutched her girlfriend’s clothes. “For years… They… They… I tried— I really, really tried to hang on. I tried. I’ve— I’m so scared of them!” She couldn’t form a coherent timeline of what she wanted to say, the blubbering sporadic and all over the place. But Edelgard is patient. The seething fury made her even more patient as she hoped to hear the full story from her lover.

It took about an hour, but it felt so much longer than that. Horror tales that Edelgard vividly recalled when she was a child came crashing back to her. This time, she was hearing it from someone who was a bystander and had nothing to do with Those Who Slither in the Dark. The fact that they were still conducting those inhumane experimentations… and conditioning of the soldiers… This is unforgivable. Edelgard mentally beat herself up too for not coming to Byleth’s rescue either. If she had persuaded Hubert and Dorothea to let her dig her professor out from under the rubble, then none of this would have occurred.

When Byleth timidly showed off her body to Edelgard, Edelgard nearly lost her breath. Scars similarly to hers were riddled on multiple parts of her body. Those that weren’t had scabbed over and blemished the skin with discolorations. Stitches did heal the wounds, but at what cost? The noble soon cast a basic healing spell on Byleth’s dominant hand too after mentioning the injury she sustained from yesterday.

“I’ll never forgive them,” Edelgard’s jawlines became prominent. “I swear to you, I will find a way with Hubert and Ferdinand to defeat them.”

“…I won’t be under them ever again?”

“No.”

“But… Thales is always two steps ahead of everyone.”

“Don’t you worry, my teacher,” she kissed her softly on the lips. Then, smoothing her hair, Edelgard whispered, “I’m five— no, ten steps ahead of them. I won’t let them harm you ever again… and I won’t ever let them call you their hounds. You’ll always be my girlfriend first and foremost.”

[-----]

Nightfall came. Just like the clear morning, the late evening was clear, the stars twinkling alongside the moon. At the request of Thales, Byleth did as what he told and wandered right outside of the monastery. She didn’t have to skim the area for long to find them— or more like they came up to her.

“You’re with no one?” the disguised soldier barked. When she nodded, the soldier continued. “Very well. Tell us about Edelgard’s plans against the Leicester Alliance.”

“…”

And so, she spilled the beans. There wasn’t much to spill though as Byleth had merely spoken two sentences maximum... And they were all false information. This seems to have irritated the messenger, but it was more so from the lack of information than the truth of her statement. They shoved the ex-mercenary, causing her to stumble backward.

“I doubt he will be pleased. Don’t expect his next visit to go well, dog.”

“…calling me a dog is the same as calling yourself a dog.”

“Try not to provoke me. I’m the messenger and I don’t need to do dirty work like you hounds.”

“…”

The person huffed and quickly fled the scene. That now left Byleth all on her own in the dense woods. Though it was not long until Hubert appeared from the shadows. He stood by her side, facing the opposite direction.

“We’re safe. I’ve checked our surroundings with Ashe and Lysithea.”

“…”

“I would expect them to be mindful of their surroundings,” he chuckled and cupped his chin. “But perhaps I’ve overestimated them.”

Byleth continued to look straight ahead while responding to his remark. “I guess when they’re invisible, they stop looking over their shoulders.” She felt his firm hand placed on her shoulder. Hubert gently squeezed them and released his hold. At that same moment, both Ashe and Lysithea came up from behind. This was their cue to make their return.

Meanwhile, Edelgard sat in the lecture hall, writing and drawing on a scroll. Plenty of crosses and scribbles littered the page. Sharing the same study space was Sylvain, Ignatz, and Ferdinand. They were procuring up plans that would allow them to tackle not only the opposing nations but to handle the corrupted organization. As for Ingrid, Caspar, and Raphael, they were in charge of guarding the only entranceway into the premise.

“I can’t believe they exist…” Sylvain hummed. “They’re going to be tough to take down, but I have no doubt that we can do it.”

“We shouldn’t have any doubts,” Ferdinand motioned. “We have the majority of our classmates with us. It’s just too bad Hilda and Dedue won’t join us…”

“Bigger number doesn’t always mean success,” Ignatz shook his head. “However, if anything, I won’t allow us to fail any mission regarding them. It’s… It’s just not right to have them running free and do what they want, even if we are teamed up with them.”

“…”

As her classmates chattered among themselves, Edelgard was fully focused on their plans. Yet there was a break, her hand motionless. She blinked. The vermillion noble’s knuckles whitened on the feathered pen.

‘ Once the war is over, I will tear them apart for harming my Byleth. Limb… to limb. ‘

I’m gonna put this here because I’ve sat on it for far too long, and for what? To protect someone who absolutely has not and will not do the same for me? 

If any of you remember me, you’ll remember I was in a long term relationship that was very publicly spoken about when I was active on my Tumblr. Over a year ago now, that ended, as was way overdue. My own issues and insecurities clouded my judgement and made me desperately want to cling to something that was so unhealthy, toxic, and borderline abusive. And I haven’t wanted to say those words because I’ve felt like it’s overdramatic or a complete fabrication of my mind. It’s not, though. It never was. 

Things were fine at the start, really good. Gradually, though, things became all about what he wanted and while he said he would never, ever make me choose between him and other things in my life that is EXACTLY what he ended up doing. He wanted honesty, he wanted open communication, something which I agreed with and carried out. If something uncomfortable was happening, I would speak up and tell him straight up. When my mum said she wanted us to break up, I told him that’s what was said. I didn’t tell him the reason, though. I didn’t tell him it was because my friends, and friends parents, had told her they were worried about the relationship because of angry and aggressive behaviour they had seen him display. They were worried about things that I had said in passing, not even meaning to suggest there was an issue. 

I witnessed violence and anger for the entire 6 year period I was in my relationship. I witnessed shouting, objects being thrown at the floor, at the walls, at animals, at other people’s property. Animals were hit, kicked, thrown. I didn’t want to admit it, because I didn’t want to have the anger directed at me, but I was scared. I was terrified. I was honestly, really, really afraid. What did I do, though? I never said “it’s okay” I made a point to never say those words, because it wasn’t. I still provided comfort, though. I still went along and pretended it never happened. 

I was by no means an angel in the relationship, though. I made my fair share of horrible mistakes. I cheated. I was closed off many times. Sometimes I could’ve compromised more, but didn’t. And while those are all horrible things that never should’ve happened, I can see why and how they happened. One of the factors being that I was young and it was my first relationship, and I’ve learned through those mistakes. I was open and spoke about these issues and we worked through them together, and I actively worked hard to make amends and ensure they wouldn’t happen again. I thought that was cool, but apparently it wasn’t. Anytime anything would go wrong, those mistakes and issues were brought up as if they hadn’t been resolved. As if the words “It’s okay, I promise” were never spoken. ANY transgression I made in that relationship was filed away and catalogued for whenever he needed to ensure I was at fault. Whenever he wanted something, or didn’t want to take accountability, SOME mistake I made was brought up and used as the sole reason anything went wrong. 

This is the abuse. Already in a fragile place, with undiagnosed BPD which was causing so many issues, none of us knowing why, especially me at the time, he twisted and guilted me into truly believing I was demanding, controlling, manipulative, and annoying. All of which I believed and all of which made my mental state spiral further and further down, which in turn exacerbated the issues giving him more fuel to use against me if he ever needed. 

Never ONCE was an issue brought to my attention. Not ONCE did he approach me before punishing me for a perceived slight against him. 

Which brought us to the breakup. I was crushed. After years and years of this, I truly believed that if he left nobody else would ever love me again. Part of me is still trying to let that belief go, it’s so deeply ingrained. When all became hopeless I just needed an escape. I didn’t exactly want to die, but I just wanted to pain to stop. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I ended up in hospital 4 times. The first time, my best friend rang him up and he snapped at her, telling her “I can’t deal with this, you deal with it I’m at work” to which her sister screamed “YOU FUCKING DEAL WITH IT YOU FUCKING CHILD” 

Unfortunately, this only further enabled him to create this “manipulative, toxic, controlling ex” narrative that he had decided was the best way to deflect responsibility. I had to be placed into a healthcare facility for 2 weeks, with limited visiting, compulsory checks every hour, and strict routines. DURING MY STAY HERE this man had begun spreading the idea that I was doing all of this to guilt him into staying with me. That I had ridden in an ambulance twice, been taken away from everything I know and love for longer than I ever had, to encourage my abuse to continue. 

What made it worse for me was that... some of my very close friends believed it. I don’t know why, or how, and it still hurts and haunts me because I had tried to explain how I was feeling to them, but it didn’t matter. I’d already become a villain in their minds. Even writing this all out I feel like “maybe I’m lying to myself?” or “is this just a way for me to manipulate the situation?”, but i KNOW that’s not true, because people who do those things don’t CARE if they’re doing it, and I care immensely. I don’t WANT to manipulate, I don’t WANT to lie. I just want the fucking truth and for accountability to be taken. I’ve taken accountability for all of my actions, no matter how ugly they were. I did it. End of story. It’s not good, there’s no excuse, and I need to work at regaining trust and never doing those things again, that’s on me and no one else. 

If there’s one thing I’ve been able to do later in life, it’s stay true to my values. For a while, I was made to feel dirty, wrong, and selfish for it. Because I didn’t ‘feel’ the correct way or I didn’t have the ‘correct love language’. 

If I didn’t express the emotion he wanted from me, or say the things he wanted me to say, he would silently try and manipulate those reactions from me. To which I never obliged. I don’t operate that way. I very much need someone to speak up and be direct with what they want from me. If it’s within my values and ability, and if I WANT to, I will do that. I won’t say “It’s going to be okay :)” if I can’t promise that! If I don’t genuinely believe that it will be! I won’t lie! 

There’s so much wrong with what happened last year, and I have born the brunt of other people’s selfish, inconsiderate, and unfortunately misguided views, and at the end of the day I can only control my own actions. 

What I know to be true: I genuinely like people, and I want to help them smile and laugh, and love themselves. I care deeply for many things, and I love very deeply. - these are all true and they will not change. 

What I also know to be true: I didn’t ask for the mental and emotional abuse, but it is up to me to recover and grow from it. I cannot control how others act or what others believe. I can only hold on to what I know is true. Anger, and accusations, I cannot control, unless they are my own.  I just ask, please, please, do not believe that everyone is who they portray themselves as online. Most abusive people that I have seen in my life have blogs, feeds, and profiles that are full of positivity, activism, good causes, humour, and cute pictures. Please. As someone who has suffered through this, and continues to try his best to recover and become a whole, healthy person again, please don’t buy into it.  There’s so much more to say but I’ve rambled on enough. I’m just hoping things get better and that the future is brighter for everyone. I am working so hard to better myself, and I have come so so far in only a year. I drive now, I have kept up my gym habit with one of my very best friends, I’m going through weekly DBT, I work in new places with fun new people that I get to meet and experience new things with, and I am slowly relearning my worth as a person, and as a potential partner. 

At the end of the day, no matter how I was wronged, and how I was manipulated and portrayed, I am so, SO much better off without him in my life and I do not miss him at all. I can do so much better, and I will do so much better. I’m lonely, but I’m wlling to be lonely until the right one comes along. I will not settle for second best again. And that’s what he was. 

(i am just posting some thoughts about The Last of Us 2 here because I don’t really have anywhere else to put it; it’s too long for twitter (gonna link to it from there) and I don’t have a non-fandom specific tumblr at this time (probably I should get on that but ehh). Spoilers obv.)

This isn’t a review, or thoughts on the whole of the game, but there were just a couple of things I wanted to say about it.

Overall I loved it. But, more accurately, and what I wanted to talk about here, I sort of identified with parts of it I wouldn’t have expected to. And I think that’s because of the very specific time in which it came along. Much like Animal Crossing - but in a completely different way, of course - it hit harder because of the moment in my life it arrived.

Ordinarily, in games, I long for happy endings. Or at least the option for one. I still joke about how wounded I am by the ending of Trespasser, 5 years later. (Haha, yeah, joke. Haha.) So you might think I’d have been angry at Ellie’s decision to walk away from her idyllic family life towards the end (which I think was the reaction it was supposed to invoke, I’m sure you’re not supposed to agree with her, in much the same way you weren’t supposed to agree with Joel at the end of the first game, even if you Get It on some level).

This game isn’t about making anyone feel good, and it never pretended to be, so when I saw the whole hearth and home sequence I didn’t trust it for a second, and was just waiting for armed maniacs to invade, or something to blow up, or just, you know, *something*; but the idea that Ellie just - couldn’t live that life was a lot more realistic. I know vengeance - destructive vengeance - was the whole point, but she obviously had major PTSD (doesn’t everyone in this game) and it was strange - and unsettling - how much more - comfortable, I guess? it felt playing fighting!Ellie vs. domestic bliss!Ellie. Of *course* I wanted her to stay, but I also knew she couldn’t. In that moment, I was reminded a lot of Frodo at the end of Return of the King:

How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.

Most of the time, I want the media I consume to offer *some* sort of comfort; it’s why I like games where I can, I dunno, save the world or beat the bad guys or whatever, and if there’s a ‘paragon’ or ‘good’ option available I’ll almost always choose it. Most, if not all, of the games I love have some flavour of happy ending available, even if sometimes you have to squint a bit to see it (lookin at you, Mass Effect). But TLOU2 isn’t a happy ending, or a happy game. There’s no ‘win’ (unless you count Ellie’s acton of finally sparing Abby, which I guess I do), the world is still fucked (I had expected some sort of ending involving the Fireflies … distant sequel plans maybe?), and overall it’s just very bleak.

For many people, especially at a time like this, that might be too much. I almost avoided it because I felt like it might be too much for me, but it ended up being weirdly - well, comforting isn’t the right word. Maybe familiar? Because it is bleak; it provides very little hope for most of its characters, or the player, and the message is that things will get worse and worse, and just when you think they can’t get any worse they undoubtedly will, and if they start to get better it will only be very briefly, until they get worse again.

And that - kinda worked for me, because of where I’m at right now. If I’d watched this a while ago or a while in the future, maybe I wouldn’t feel this way about it, but at the moment, in my life - I feel very hopeless. The world - and my life - do feel very bleak. I can’t say I have any *genuine* belief that things will improve, for me. People - including people I admire - telling me that it gets better or that things will look up rings hollow to me right now, because I don’t genuinely believe it. And yeah, I know that’s sad. But TLOU2 doesn’t try and tell me that, it tells me that things are shitty and will stay shitty and these characters are resilient despite it. Ellie doesn’t really have any hope by the end, either. But she still keeps going, anyway. And I felt a weird sort of - kinship with it, I suppose, and maybe other people will too with things the way they have been this year. (Yes, the violence was a bit much for me, being a huge wuss; I watched a lot of it muted, through my fingers. But I was there for the story, the characters and journey, so I’m glad I watched.)

So, yeah. Not a review of the game, but it’s been on my mind since I finished it earlier this week. And I’m sure it will or won’t work for people for a huge variety of reasons, and maybe if I watch it again in a year, or two, or five, or ten, I might feel differently, but right now? I love it. Endure and survive, indeed.

Revisiting Chapters: Arya II, AGoT

This recap is also on my wordpress.

The story so far…

A step back from the politics of King’s Landing, Arya Stark’s having trouble with relocating, and with the events of the journey.

Dangerous Things

This chapter is relatable in the worst way. What we’ve got here is a homesick, grieving kid, missing her brothers, not getting along with her sister, and trying to deal with the fact that her father’s a fallible human being. I would go so far as to say that most readers can probably remember working through a few of the items on that list.

We start out by bringing the changes to the Stark domestic situation into sharp focus when Ned comes in miserable and cranky from work and promptly gets into conflict with his daughters. Sansa’s sitting as far away from Arya as she can manage without getting outright told off for it. Not that that helps.

“I don’t care about their stupid tourney,” Arya said. She knew Prince Joffrey would be there, and she hated Prince Joffrey.

Sansa lifted her head. “It will be a splendid event. You shan’t be wanted.”

When Ned snaps at the girls over this, Arya tears up at the table. What we get then shows just how much Arya’s social situation has changed:

No one talked to Arya. She didn’t care. She liked it that way. She would have eaten her meals alone in her bedchamber if they let her. Sometimes they did […]. The rest of the time, they ate in [Ned’s] solar, just him and her and Sansa. That was when Arya missed her brothers most. She wanted to tease Bran and play with baby Rickon and have Robb smile at her. She wanted Jon to muss up her hair and call her ‘little sister’ and finish her sentences with her. But all of them were gone. She had no one left but Sansa, and Sansa wouldn’t even talk to her unless Father made her.

No Stark does well separated from the rest. (Not even Sansa, though that realisation will come later.) Here, though, we see that Arya’s even separating herself from her usual pursuits of talking to everyone and anyone. She reminisces over the loss of Ned’s usual practice of inviting people from the household to eat with them, and goes on to how much she likes listening to the men on the benches. And now? Now she’s thinking that she’d rather eat in her room alone? Arya is not in a good place. Not at all.

They’d been her friends, she’d felt safe around them, but now she knew that was a lie. They’d let the queen kill Lady, that was horrible enough, but then the Hound found Mycah.

Needless to say, this is a pretty goddamned traumatic thing for someone to go through. Arya feels sicker and sicker. The importance of keeping track of these food descriptions comes up here as Arya’s grief renders her unable to enjoy her food. She shuts herself into her room and we see another aspect of the problem – Arya blames herself.

She went to the window seat and sat there, sniffling, hating them all, and herself most of all. It was all her fault, everything bad that had happened. It was all her fault, Sansa said so, and Jeyne too.

Whatever Sansa meant, and however Sansa herself is feeling, the effect of her words and behaviour of Arya is pretty well undeniable. There are some problems in the Stark household that needed a bit more parental attention – especially in this situation. Arya gets that attention in the back half of the chapter, as Ned explains that it was not her fault.

“No, sweet one,” he murmered. “Grieve for your friend, but never blame yourself. You did not kill the butcher’s boy. That murder lies at the Hound’s door, him and the cruel woman he serves.”

Ned goes further, when Arya vents some of her other feelings.

“I hate them,” Arya confided, red-faced, sniffling. “The Hound and the queen and the king and Prince Joffrey. I hate all of them. Joffrey lied, it wasn’t the way he said. I hate Sansa too. She did remember, she just lied so Joffrey would like her.”

“We all lie,” her father said.

Ned’s firm, here – Sandor and Cersei are to blame for Mycah’s murder. Arya is not. Sansa is not, in spite of the fact she lied about what she remembered (and his words here would indicate that he believes Sansa lied). The people who decided to kill Mycah and then actually carried it out are responsible for Mycah’s death, not the children who could not see what their actions may or may not have led to. (When discussing the handling of the incident at Darry, it’s important to remember that Robert and Ned were happy to leave discipline at “you speak to your kid, I’ll handle mine,” and it’s Cersei who insisted on violence. Related, it’s also important to remember that Robert’s idea of appropriate discipline for Joffrey’s threats against another human being is a talking-to.) This leads into the lie that Arya told about Nymeria, and Ned honestly explaining what he can to his daughter.

Mostly, the explanation is “this is serious, Arya,  serious serious,” but being treated in a more adult fashion gets through to Arya. Ned emphasises their house words and the true strength of House Stark in a way that Arya will rely on and emulate herself through the following books:

“When the snows fall and the white wind blows, the lone wolf dies, but the pack survives. Summer is the time for squabbles. In winter, we must protect one another, keep each other warm, share our strengths.”

This is going to end up even more important than Ned knows, as the winter that’s coming is worse than he thinks. Nevertheless, being treated as though she has a valuable part to play in the family’s affairs gets through to Arya, putting her behaviour in context for her.

“We have come to a dark dangerous place, child. This is not Winterfell. We have enemies who mean us ill. We cannot fight a war among outrselves. This wilfulness of yours, the runningg off,  the angry words, the disobedience…at home, these were only the summer games of a child. Here and now, with winter soon upon us, that is a different matter. It is time to begin growing up.”

“I will,” Arya vowed. She had never loved him as much as she did in that instant. “I can be strong too. I can be as strong as Robb.”

Sure enough, the next morning, she’s well enough to apologise to Septa Mordane for shouting and running off. Whatever Septa Mordane herself thinks of it, on Arya’s part, she’s working hard.

Needlework

When Arya is feeling low, she takes Needle out of her clothes chest for comfort, and that’s when Ned gains entry into her room. Itself, it poses a reminder of Mycah’s death, but it also reminds her of Jon who gave it to her in the first place. She and Ned conflict about whether she should have Needle at all, but he can’t bring himself to break it, and in the end he decides that Arya is mature enough to keep the blade. Arya’s declaration that she wouldn’t fight with her sister so much in order to not sabotage the family’s efforts to fight their actual enemies, combined with a genuine apology to Septa Mordane, results in Ned not just allowing Arya to keep the blade, but finding a teacher for her.

This solves one of the more immediate problems where Arya is utterly miserable, with no channel for her energies or her passions. Syrio Forel works Arya hard, and just like that, a lot of Arya’s day-to-day issues vanish.

There are also longer-term things here, though. Just as Ned accepted Arya’s anger and grief over Mycah’s death, and told her those feelings were fine, Syrio Forel also accepts something important about Arya.

Arya took her right hand off the grip and wiped her sweaty palm on her pants. She held the sword in her left hand. He seemed to approve. “The left is good. All is reversed, it will make your enemies more awkward.”

For what seems to be one of the first times in the course of her education, Arya’s allowed to hse the hand she’s strongest with. We also get to see a hint of Arya’s skill when she immediately  catches onto the logic behind the stance Syrio has her take up.

He clicked his teeth together. “Just so, that is the grip. You are not holding a battle-axe, you are holding a -”

“- needle,” Arya finished for him, fiercely.

There’s one thing, though – Syrio seems to miss the fact that Arya’s femininity is important to her. When he misgenders her, she doesn’t correct him, she objects to being called a boy.

Parents as People

The other thing thing this chapter does, especially in hindsight, is show us Ned (and Ned’s trauma) from an outside PoV. He’s the first person we see in this chapter, and the first thing we learn is that he was fighting with the Small Council again. We never learn what he was fighting with them about. We do see him bring his own view home and misunderstand his daughters.

“Will we be permitted to go, Father?”

“You know my feelings, Sansa. It seems I must arrange Robert’s games and pretend to be honoured for his sake. That does not mean I must subject my daughters to this folly.”

He snaps at Sansa and Arya and doesn’t stick around for dinner. Arya’s misery is increased by the realisation that her father is not flawless and all powerful.

And no one had raised a voice or drawn a blade or anything, not Harwin who always talked so bold, or Alyn who was going to be a knight, or Jory who was captain of the guard. Not even her father.

As important a part of Arya’s maturity as this is, recognising that her father cannot make everything better, it’s no less painful for her.

Readers also see that Ned’s very much a product of his society, in some ways.

He looked down gravely at the sword in his hands. “This is no toy for children, least of all for a girl.”

[…]

“I don’t want to be a lady!” Arya flared.

“I ought to snap this toy over my knee here and now, and put an end to this nonsense.”

As much as Ned loves Arya, and as much as Arya loves Ned, he does have those gendered expectations for her. However, he’s also willing to indulge her to a point. Ned’s inconsistent enforcement of ladylike standards of behaviour is rooted in what he briefly mentions to Arya now (and she notes that Ned does not often speak about his dead siblings and father).

“Lyanna might have carried a sword, if my lord father had allowed it. You remind me of her sometimes. You even look like her.”

“Lyanna was beautiful,” Arya said, startled. […]

“She was,” Eddard Stark agreed, “beautiful, and willful, and dead before her time.”

Ned links Lyanna’s “wild” behaviour to her early death. As such, he’s not keen on allowing his own daughter to repeat what he sees as Lyanna’s mistakes.

When Arya breaks down sobbing in his arms, Ned also gives us a line that sticks out a bit on reread. I’ve quoted it already, but here it is again:

“We all lie,” her father said.

This gets elaborated on later, when Arya asks whether it was right to lie about where Nymeria had gone.

“It was right,” her father said. “And even the lie was…not without honour.”

Arya doesn’t know – and neither does the first-time unspoiled reader – that Ned has told lies before. Lies with their own honour. Ned speaks with the voice of experience.

There’s also something here that becomes noticeable in its absence, later. Ned handles Arya well in this scene, within his own limitations. We have every indication that Ned did not talk Sansathrough his incident and attempt to address her issues as he assists Arya in this scene. Again, this is painfully realistic. Arya is visibly not coping with the situation. Her need for assistance is plain. Sansa, whose pet was murdered on the word of her mother-in-law to-be after her betrothed showed a worrying tendency to violence, also dealt with the issue by blaming her sister. Sansa, however, kept the expression of her anger pretty subtle. She’s not storming out of dinner or bursting into tears, she’s just refusing to have anything to do with her sister and saying more nasty things more frequently. And so her problems go under the radar with her father.

Chapter Function

As Ned says in this chapter, “it is time to begin growing up.” Sure enough, this is the chapter where Arya starts learning the sword. This is perhaps less important for the actual skills in stabbing people as it is for what Arya starts to learn about responsibility. Her father trusts her with a real weapon and she starts to learn how to use it. It’s about seeing the world as an adult, and deciding to act as an adult. Including dealing with her own emotions, painful as they are, and the flawed people around her. Arya’s starting to learn about what’s really important.

For Ned, this chapter shows us a bit about how his backstory has affected him. And is still affecting him. For all he loves his sister, the memory of her is still so painful he barely even brings himself to speak of her. He hasn’t been able to move past that pain.

This chapter hints that Lyanna’s death was due to her more rebellious tendencies. There’s important seeding for R+L=J in this chapter, just in what we learn about the relationship between Ned and Lyanna, and Lyanna’s own character.

Finally, this chapter reminds us of Nymeria's survival, somewhere out in the Riverlands. Definitely not harassing Lannister forces as of AFFC.

Miscellany

Jeyne Poole tells Arya some pretty nasty stuff about Mycah’s fate, here. This is GRRM building up on that wish fulfilment thing. You want something horrible to happen to Jeyne because of this? You want her to get some comeuppance? GRRM will provide. He will make you choke on it.

I find it interesting that when Arya wants to say that she’s tough, she thinks that she can be as strong as Robb. Every single Starkling looked up to Robb.

Clothing Porn

Stark guardsmen wear grey wool cloaks with white satin borders, with a silver hand clasp.

Food Porn

Thick pumpkin soup and ribs in a herb and garlic crust.

Next Three Chapters

Tyrion VII, AGoT – Cersei X, AFFC – Alayne I, AFFC

Forbidden - Chapter Six

Masterlist | Requests are open.

Genre: Fluff, smut, angst.

Word Count: 2.7k.

Summary: Prince Hoseok had never been told “no” until his father lay on his deathbed. Hoseok was ordered to marry, but his eyes were set on the one woman he wasn’t allowed to have.

WARNINGS: Implied smut; conspiracies; talk of death; mentions of violent sex; mentions of attempted suicide; domestic violence; general violence against women and female prisoners; character death; trauma.

If you are triggered by any of the warnings given, please DO NOT read this chapter. Your emotional and mental well-being is more important than a story. If you feel yourself slipping and need to reach out to someone, my DMs are always open. Please come and talk to me. It can help.

Previous / Next

Hoseok found his way into your bed that night but this time he asked your permission before he used you to take his stress away. Of course, you granted him the permission he needed and ended up breathless for the majority of the night, your insides sore from all the pounding your lover had done. However, this was a good sore - a sensitive sore because despite his need to de-stress, he still thought of you and your pleasure. You couldn't count how many times he made you cum that night and you were too exhausted by the end of it to even try and count. Instead, you lay on his chest and listened to his heart beating rapidly under its sweaty shell.

"I fear I am addicted to you." Hoseok confessed in the darkness. His voice was tinged with sadness.

"Tell me of your troubles, my love." You requested.

Hoseok sighed. "My brother knows about us."

"What?"

"He promised me he would keep it a secret and my brother is good with his word. No one shall discover us from his lips. Though his silence comes with a price."

"It usually does. What do we need to pay him?"

"You need not do anything, my queen - but once you leave I am to forget your existence and pretend I do not love you. I must be a good husband to Jieun."

"I should be a better wife to Taeoh."

"Nonsense. He does not treat you as you deserve."

"So, you expect Jieun to be unfaithful?"

"I encourage it. I am an awful husband to her and I cannot expect or believe that she would remain faithful to me when she could be happier with someone else."

"I wish Taeoh had your beliefs."

"I do too. Then I could keep loving you the way I want."

"If Taeoh shared your thoughts, how do you think our lives would be different?"

Hoseok thought for a moment. "There would be much back and forth between the kingdoms and it would still be done privately, but I would be waking up in your arms as often as I am able. I would not have to wait for special occasions or invitations to hold you. I would take you away to summer homes and winter palaces and we would start our own lives away from the rest of them. Jimin and Taeoh can run our kingdoms without us. We would have many children, but that would be connected to my staying deep inside of you for all of our waking hours." Hoseok paused. "If I knew that you were free - or at least felt free enough - I would whisk you away from here. We would live as paupers in the forest or in a neighbouring kingdom and never see any of these people again."

You sat up slightly and looked at him with sadness and love in your eyes. "Taeoh is the only reason I am trapped."

Hoseok cupped your cheek and a mischievous grin appeared on his face. "The only solution is to kill him."

"Hoseok!"

"What? I know of someone who can provide us with poison. Just add it to his tea and he would die. You would be free. Though, they may suspect you or one of his lovers."

You were quiet. "Not unless I add it gradually. He would get sicker and sicker until he eventually stopped breathing."

"When did the jesting end?"

"I do not think I ever considered this to be a fool's conversation. How soon can you have the poison ready?"

"Before you leave. No one would know."

"We should do this."

"My love, are you sure?"

"I have never been more so. I never wanted this life. I never wanted to be the queen of a kingdom, to be sold to another man by my own father for money. Taeoh is a horrid husband and I cannot be happy with him. As long as I can bring Eunjae with us, I do not care about anything else. She is the only family I truly have now."

"Eunjae is always welcome."

"Then it is settled. Taeoh is to die."

Many nights throughout your marriage you had thought about the death of your husband. Unbeknownst to anyone, you had even snuck into his chambers a few times after he had left you torn in two, holding the first heavy or murderous object you could find and held it above his head in the dark. You had been so close to ending it; to finishing his life and ending your troubles as they lay sleeping in the bed but it was too obvious. Everyone would know it was you. Not that you cared sometimes. On your darkest of nights, you too wished for your death and thought the death of your husband would trigger it as all of your attempts to end your life had been futile; and so you woke up morning after morning forcing yourself to live a life that kept you caged and miserable.

You know Hoseok was joking about your husband's death, but little did he know this was the perfect solution to your troubles. This was a genuine way out for you. The throne, as you had no children with Taeoh, would be passed to his nephew, Kihyun. Kihyun already had a wife and children, so you would be free to live out your days alone, rich, and with the one man you adored. Hoseok had mentioned in previous conversations that he couldn't abdicate without ascending the throne first, which meant he would have to stay in his kingdom until the death of his father - but once he was able he would pass down the throne to Jimin. There was no doubt in either of your minds that Jimin would take a wife soon, and she would fall pregnant with the next heir to the throne. The two of you would be able to live out your lives in blissful exile; doing as you pleased, saying what you wished, and living a life you had both chosen for yourselves.

All of your belongings had been packed in suitcases and brought to the copious amounts of carriages accompanying you and your servants to and from Hoseok's kingdom. Your time in his palace had come to an end, and all too soon you were whisked from your chambers and slotted at Taeoh's side, bidding farewell to the King and Queen and thanking them for their kind hospitality. Of course, no one but Eunjae and Jimin knew about your relationship with Hoseok, so he had to be as professional to you as he possibly could. So, his goodbye to you wasn't with a long, romantic kiss. Just a simple, polite kiss to the hand. He held your hand, kissed it and walked away from you, leaving you holding something else. A small vial of clear liquid and a note folded into tiny squares. The poison. Suddenly, your heart began to race. You couldn't believe you were going through with this.

The ride back to your kingdom was long and tiresome, especially as Taeoh had decided he wanted to tell you of all of the things he hated during your stay. He complained about Hoseok's parents and brother, and even about Hoseok himself. He complained about the staff and how incompotent they seemed to be. He complained of the food - the party. The only thing he didn't complain about was the Princess Jieun. To his own wife he mentioned how he would like to take the Princess's innocence for himself and keep her locked away where no other man could find her and have her. Alas, he was stuck with you. His wife who never made any noise when he fucked her or seemed to show him any affection.

As soon as you arrived at your palace, he dragged you up the stairs and into his chambers. He bent you over his bed, tore your dress off you leaving you naked and vulnerable and rutted inside you. All throughout his torture, he mentioned Jieun. How he wanted to fuck her and everything he would do to her and how she was better than you. Though this angered you, a simple thought of Hoseok had you gushing around your husband. You didn't cum. His disgusting cock could never make you cum; but he did. Inside of you, of course, hoping you'd be with child soon. Before he had the chance to send you away, you left of your own accord, strolling out of his room naked as the day you were born with your head held high and your ruined dress in your hand. His days were numbered, you reminded yourself.

Taeoh's first cup of tea was delivered to him by his favourite fuck toy. She had no idea she was giving him the first drops of poison that would kick off his slow and painful death. You had managed to distract the dumb girl long enough to slip a few drops in his tea before sending her on her way.

Taeoh had a following five cups of tea the day after you arrived home, and by the third day he was already coughing and spluttering about the palace. You would hear him coming before you saw him. He mentioned his sickness to you, and you suggested it was simply a travel cold and that it would pass soon enough - but just to be sure you would write for the doctor to arrive. You did as you promised, the doctor checked Taeoh over and found nothing wrong with him, meaning the poison was just as undetectable as promised.

It was within the first week you noticed things taking a true turn. Taeoh's temper had been growing shorter and shorter by the day - his sickness taking a toll on him emotionally. He hadn't tried to enter you since you arrived home and as far as you knew, he hadn't tried it with any of his regular whores either. So not only was he furious with his sickness, he was furious with his lack of orgasms and needed some kind of release. Shouting seemed to be providing him with that release. You were unconcerned with his new behaviour until a new woman entered your room one morning in the place of Eunjae.

"Where is my usual maid?" You asked. This was extremely unusual for Eunjae to not show up to work.

"You didn't know?" The new maid asked.

"Know what?"

"She stole from the King, Your Highness. She is awaiting her trial which will be some time this week. Forgive me, ma'am. I thought you knew."

The new girl dressed you quickly giving you the time to run to your husband's office and barge in on his meeting, completely unphased by the government officials who were in attendance. Your anger had been triggered, never had you felt such rage before. "What is this I hear from the staff about my maid?"

"Not now, woman. Can you not see how busy I am?"

You picked up his ink pot and threw it at the wall, allowing it to smash into tiny pieces and staining everything the liquid touched. "I do not care how busy you are! How dare you accuse one of my maids of theft. I have known her for many years and can assure you she would never do such a thing. Revoke your accusations at once!"

Taeoh stood from his seat and slapped your face. "How dare you speak to your superior in such a manner. Were you not taught a woman's place in the home? Or need you be reminded of such a roll?"

"Revoke your accusations at once!" You ordered again.

Taeoh grabbed your hair and pulled it. His face was merely inches from yours. "I will do no such thing, whore. I caught the wench stealing from me, and she will be punished accordingly."

"And what is the punishment for a crime she did not commit?"

"The punishment for theft is death."

It was as if your whole world had stopped turning. Everything moved in slow motion, including Taeoh releasing you from his grasp and pushing you away. He had said something to you but you couldn't process the words as your mind had gone into shut down. He planned on killing your family - the only person who had been there for you from the beginning. You began to beg and plead with your husband, forgetting that all the members of parliament were sat in the room watching this happen, but instead of showing you any compassion you were dragged away by two guards who gently pulled you out of the room and back to your chambers.

When you had composed yourself, you left the palace and headed for the prison. You were terrified of losing Eunjae and so your fear had manifested itself into anger and dominance. You were no longer the quiet wallflower Taeoh married. You were unstoppable and demanding, especially when the warden of the jail initially refused to let you see her. When you did see her, you wept.

Eunjae sat chained to one of the stone walls, wearing the clothes she was arrested in but they were all dirty and torn in places. What skin you could see had been cut and bruised where the officers had taken it upon themselves to beat her. If there wasn't a bruise on her bare skin, there was dried blood where no one had bothered to bathe her. She was exhausted: you could tell so just by looking at her. There were dark circles around her eyes which were void of emotion as she'd seemingly cried out all of the feelings she had until she was left a numb shell in a damp prison.

"Eunjae!" You cried her name desperately, and when she looked up at you all the colour returned to her face. Hope appeared in her eyes. She stood (weakly) and moved as fast as she could to the barred door where you were waiting for her.

"Ma'am, I am so sorry!" She cried. Tears had began to flow once more as she apologised to you over and over again.

"Why are you sorry? You did nothing wrong."

The way Eunjae looked at you was almost as though she was shocked you believed her innocence. It didn't surprise you, though. Of course no one would believe her innocence, the King was against her. What he said went no matter what. "I let you down, ma'am."

"What nonsense. You could never. You have done nothing wrong. I will try and fix this. I will try and get you released from here, I promise."

"If you don't-"

"I will."

"But if you don't - you should know, ma'am, that you are such a wonderful person. You have been my best friend for many years and it's been a pleasure dressing you every morning."

"You are not going to die. I'm going to talk to the guards and get you released. You will have to go somewhere else, you won't be able to stay in this kingdom but I shall join you soon."

"Ma'am?"

"I have a plan. We will be living in Blossom Manor House just outside of Qedian. I cannot tell you everything, it is too risky. I just need you to go there and wait for me, okay?"

"I do not understand. How?"

"I cannot tell you now but all will be revealed in due course. Please, hold tight. I will find a way to get you out of here."

You grabbed hold of Eunjae's hands and held them for a little while before silently saying goodbye to her and rushing towards the warden's office. He wasn't there to barter with, and the guards were seemingly distracted, so you were able to take the key from the warden's desk and break Eunjae out that way. You ordered her to go out the back door so she wouldn't be seen, and would be able to slip into the streets undetected. Of course, she obeyed and was on her way to safety as soon as you'd departed.

Just a Scratch - Derek Hale

Ok wow I got a little... Carried away with this one

You must forgive me lmao

Masterlist

Requested: Yes

Prompt:  Hey I wanted to request a Derek Hale imagine- hope that's not too much. Fem!reader(has Hunter skills) and Derek are in relationship and in love. TheY both get in a nasty fight and reader get a *little* hurt but Derek goes all protective and AAAAAHHHHHH. Basically a little fluff. Thanks and have a good day.

Pairing: Derek Hale x Reader

Word count: 3511

Warnings: Language, violence

"Remember you have an essay due for next Monday on the economic crisis of 1929" You reminded your class as the bell rang. "Mr. Dunbar, if you could please stay for a minute" You dropped the chalk on the holder and wiped your hands on your jeans. You waited for the class to empty and faced Liam, a sympathetic look on your face.  "I know, I know" He beat you to it. "I'm sorry" "Liam, I understand that you're out there literally protecting this city from all kinds of evil, and I'm all the more grateful for it, believe me" You sighed. "But as your teacher, I really cannot give you anymore free passes without it becoming suspicious"

You had done your best to pick other people to summarize the readings or answer the questions. You even made him retake tests when you knew he had been on werewolf duty the night before. But you couldn't cover for him forever, especially not with the school board on your heels. 

This time, he failed to give back a homework sheet that counted for five percent of his grade. You told him out loud he'd get zero out of it, but you knew you'd find a way to cheat the system yet again. However, you also knew you couldn't keep doing that for long without losing your teaching license.  "I'll do it tonight, the sheet" He replied. "I swear" "Alright" You nodded. "And heads up, tomorrow I'll randomly choose you to do the readings summary. Don't make us both look like fools, please" "Thanks (Y/N)" He gave you a faint smile. "I won't, I promise" "Now woosh, go save the world" You tilted your head toward the door. "Let me grade my papers in peace" His smile widened a bit at your joke and he scurried out of the class, nodding in salutation at someone outside the class. You thought it might have been a student until the person stepped in the doorframe. "Don't tell him that, or he's actually going to do it" Derek snorted, walking nonchalantly in the class.  "What are you doing here?" You had meant to be stern, but your happiness to see him betrayed your facial expression.  "Coming to see you" He replied easily. "Isn't that obvious?"  "What did we say about visit on work hours?" You scolded, even though you went straight for his open arms.  "Technically, school's been over for..." He trailed off and looked at his watch over your shoulder. "Two minutes five seconds" "Smartass" You rolled your eyes, but smiled nonetheless. "But seriously, did I forget we had a date or something?" "Can't I just pick you up from school as a grand gesture of love?" He raised an eyebrow, which made you squint your eyes at him in suspicion. You knew he wouldn't pick you up without telling you, he hadn't done it in the years you've been with him. Derek hated surprises.  "Der" You warned, taking a step back. "What's going on?" "Nothing" He shrugged unconvincingly. "I just want to make sure that you're safe, that's all" "Is this about the wannabe hunters swarming the town?" You crossed your arms against your chest, and the shift on his expression confirmed your thoughts. "I'm fine, Derek. You don't need to watch over me" "What if they ambush you?" He asked with an edge in his voice, like he was genuinely scared they'd get to you. "We've seen what they're capable of" "Should I remind you I'm not a supernatural being?" You sighed as you sat back at your chair. "It's not me they want" "But they want me" He countered. "And correct me if I'm wrong, but we haven't been exactly subtle in terms of hiding our relationship. They could want you by association" "You're not wrong" You gave him a short chuckle. "Okay, let's say they decide to take me down to get to you. I doubt I'm high enough on Gerard's priority list for him to do it himself, so who'd he send? His pet, Monroe?" "She's more vicious than she lets on, (Y/N)" He almost pleaded.  "I know how she is, and I'm not afraid of her" You smiled at him. "That little martyr act is quite pathetic, if you want my opinion. And no matter what she got, remember I've been doing this for way longer than she has" At that, Derek let a quick smile pass through his serious demeanor. He probably had an idea of what went down, knowing you and your hatred for people like her. She had cornered you after school a few weeks ago, pushed you in a corner in a poorly executed grip and sent you an ultimatum. Either you'd leave Derek, or you'd perish with the rest. Now, you weren't the one to get involved, but this direct attack on you had made you angry.  When she had been done talking and gloating about how much of a champion she was, you had easily overturned her grip and changed role, pushing her back on the wall and kicking her down to her knees. Your grip, at opposite of hers, had been much more solid and efficient. You had then told her that you wouldn't play her game and wage war on her, unless she came after Derek or yourself first.  Apparently, your little demonstration of force worked, because she had left you alone ever since.  "I know you're not scared of her, (Y/N)" He said. "But it's not the point" "You think I can't defend myself?" You challenged, eying the little cylindrical shape poking out of your pencil basket. Derek followed your line of sight and shook his head.  "That you definitely can, not arguing" He replied. "But if they decide to come anyway, we'll be glad we have each other. Strength in numbers, remember" "I know, but I'm at school. I doubt they'll hit a human here, in a public place. Too much PR to handle" You explained. "Besides, I have papers to grade" "Okay that was a lame excuse for a life or death situation" He pointed out and you rolled your eyes. "But it's fine by me, I'll stay here" You were about to protest when he pulled out a chair and dragged it back loudly enough to cover any other sound in the room. He let himself fall down and threw his keys on the desk, still making as much noise as possible. Asshole. "I'll stay here. If something happens, you'll be glad" He spoke again. "And if not, you'll have the satisfaction of being right and knowing you wasted my time for nothing" "Deal" You smiled tightly. "But not a sound, Derek Hale. Or I'll throw you out of the window" He made a zipping gesture over his mouth and threw the imaginary key over his shoulder. You sighed and shook your head, taking the first copy on your desk and getting back into the grading rhythm.  Before you even knew it, the sun set and darkness took over. It was actually a yawn coming from Derek that made you notice that much time had passed and that you only had one copy left.  You hurried grading that one, and you were sorry in advance for the poor student that would have to read your correction. But to be fair, you had a hard time reading his handwriting too, so much you couldn't even understand the last two questions. "Oh Greenberg, what the hell did you write" You muttered to yourself as you massaged your temples. You then heard Derek's chair scrape on the floor as he stood up abruptly.  "Did you hear that?" He asked, furrowing his eyebrows. "T’was just me complaining" You yawned again. "It's fine--" "No..." He trailed off, gesturing you to stay silent. You sat up straighter as you suddenly became more alert of your surroundings, your hand hovering closer to your pencil basket.  Then, total silence fell over the room. Not even the pipes could be heard, and it made your blood chill in your vein. This could never be good.  "Get down!" You felt it coming before Derek's shout by watching him tense up all at once, his eyes widening considerably. You dived under the desk, but not before snatching your weapon before you did. You ducked under the wood as bullets flew everywhere. Derek then came crashing down beside you and scurried for cover too.  He nodded at you to let you know he was fine, and you nodded back. No bullet had gotten to either of you yet, or at least not fatally to him. You waited until the guns were emptied, and your attacker stepped in the room. "(Y/N)" Monroe taunted. "Come out, I know you're here" "Oh hey" You replied, still under the desk. "I thought we had come to an agreement. I'm disappointed" "I don't agree with people who protect murderers" She sneered. "Ah, and I'm guessing your current backup have picked firearms recently as a hobby" You scoffed as you and Derek quietly planned your strategy with hand gestures. He’d take half of her back up, you’d take the rest and Monroe. "Or have you brought kids this time?" "Those kids know the only way they'll stay alive in this town is if they take arms against those who pose a threat" She growled. "And that includes you" "Tamora, most things you say are painfully whiny, but I gotta admit" You nodded at Derek and slowly raised to your feet. Four men in black were standing at her side; too bad it wouldn't be enough. "You're goddamned right" You pressed the button on the black cylinder in your hands and it extended to a full staff with sharpened steel edges. Behind you, Derek roared, and you could almost feel the raw power emanating from him.  "I am a threat"  Before any of them could reload their guns, which you noted to be a beginner's mistake, you both jumped in action. You kicked Monroe's gun out of her hands, then kneed her in the stomach as she bent to catch it mid air. As she was catching her breath, you dealt with the man at her right. You spun your staff and brought it down on his riffle, sending it to the floor. You sneaked a punch before ducking his incoming fist, but you were thrown off your feet when another man slammed into you.  "Son of a bitch" You groaned as you got back on your feet. You grabbed a book that fell off the shelf and slammed it in the face on your new assailant with a mean swing, sending him to the ground unconscious.  The first man charged to you and backed you to the wall, pushing you into it hard enough to cave it in. You lifted your arms to block his punches, waiting for his rhythm to fade. When it did, you grabbed his fist mid air and twisted his arm, pushing his elbow inside out with a loud crack.  While he howled out in pain, you grabbed your discarded staff and slashed both his shoulder muscles and the back of his knee, so he wouldn't be able to stand and shoot again. You wiped out the blood from your lips and nose and turned around to find Monroe, but you had to throw yourself on the ground before you saw her. A gun had fired, and you heard the bullet whistle past your ear. You saved your fall with a roll, and came face to face with the barrel of a gun, halting your movements all at once. At least you had found her.  "You don't wanna do this, Monroe" It was Derek who said that, the two unmoving bodies at his feet.  "I actually want to do this bad" She replied with a cocky grin. "If you try anything, I blow her brain" "It's find Der, let me handle this" You spoke carefully, giving him a quick glance and a nod. Then, you looked up at Monroe. "So. I guess you already have a story prepared to explain this mess" "Don't even try" She scoffed dryly. "I won't let down my guards" "Oh, I know" You chuckled. "It was probably the first thing Gerard taught you, wasn't it?" She cocked the gun as an answer. "Here's the thing" You kept talking, not breaking eye contact. "You think you're all high and mighty because you've been training with Gerard for a few months. You've learn a lot, you think. Maybe you really did. You think you're experienced because you've taken down scared teenagers, so you think you can go against targets above your skill set" "Does my gun on your forehead seems above my skill set?" She taunted, and you smiled. "You're feeling invincible now, don't you?" You hummed. "But let me remind you, that while you were still a clueless civilian, I had already years of experience. And right now, your lack of it gave the opening I needed" Before she could register your words, you swatted her wrist away and kicked her knees from the ground. Her gun fired again, but this time you didn't back down. You jumped on her and straddled her, a hand on her throat and your legs restraining her arms.  "Next time you try that, no matter how much fire power you bring, I'll kill you" You hissed before knocking her unconscious with the rest of her men.  You stood up and grabbed your staff, retracting it to the smaller cylinder shape. You then dusted off your material and put back the copies in your bag, sighing when you noticed Greenberg's was decorated with a long splatter of blood. You threw the strap of your bag on your shoulder and walked out of the class with Derek, wincing at your sore arms.  No words were exchanged until you were well away from the school. The radio in Derek's car played some billboard's songs, but you tuned the sound out when you started feeling some pricking pain on your side. You reached to it and felt a wet liquid covering you, which you noticed was red when you got a glimpse of it under a street light.  "You're bleeding" Derek stated and you didn't miss the new panic in his voice. "The bullet hit you" "It's alright" You reassured. "It's just a scratch, not even that deep" "Shit, I should have taken her down" He gritted his teeth and tightened his hand on the wheel, so much his knuckles turned white. "I'm sorry (Y/N), fuck" Your eyes widened when he floored the gas pedal, you knew he wanted to get you home asap.  "No really I'm fine" You tried to make him realize that you were, in fact, okay. "I don't even think I'll need stitches" "We're almost there" He mumbled as he almost drove into the half opened garage door.  "Are you crazy--oof" You winced when he slammed the brakes in his designed parking. He sent you an apologetic glance before rushing to your side of the car. "I can walk, you know?" He didn't listen to you as he gently picked you up and carried you to his apartment. You knew it was useless to protest, he was like a rock in every sense of the term. He then placed you on the wooden table and grabbed the first aid kit in the cabinet. "Take off your shirt" "I don't think this is the right moment for that, babe" You joked, but took off the ripped clothe nonetheless.  "Really? You're doing this right now?" He scolded, eyebrows raised. "Come on, lighten up a bit" You laughed, but it made your side hurt. "Ouch" "Don't--" He caught your wrist before you could give in to the reflex to cover your wound with your hand. "Here, let me" You pulled back your arm to give him access to the wound so he could clean it and check the damage better. When he sighed in relief, you knew you had been right and that it was only a minor flesh wound.  "Told ya it was nothing" You smiled warmly at him as he carefully cleaned the skin around that was covered in blood. "See, I'm alright" "Still need to bandage it" He mumbled as he grabbed the gauze and tape, getting to work without wasting time. "Better to be careful" "I know" You whispered back as your hand went to rest on his cheek. He looked up at you with tired and worried eyes when he was done patching you up, and it made your smile widen. "I'm tougher than you give me credit for" "I know how tough you are" He replied and nuzzled his face in your neck, intertwining his hand in yours. "I'm just scared one day the bullet will hit somewhere you cannot heal" "Then we make sure this doesn't happen" You shrugged lightly. "Damn right" He replied as he took a step back, but didn't let go of your hand. "I'm not letting you out of my sight until this hunter problem is settled" "That's a bit unrealistic, don't you think?" You raised an eyebrow.  "Watch me"  "And what about school tomorrow?" You asked again. "I doubt the school board will let me have my boyfriend looming in the back of the class" "Call in sick" He suggested. "Absolutely not" You gasped. "You're all banged up anyway" He tried to convince you. "Stay here. With me" "As much as it sounds appealing, I'm still going to work tomorrow" You denied him. "What if Monroe shows up and I don't? Bam. She wins. Besides, they won't try anything against a human during school hours, and if they're stupid enough to try it, Liam will be there" He knew you were right. It was just history classes on a Friday, after all. And unless the hunters decided to shoot a bunch of innocent kids just to get to you, they would get more legal trouble than they could handle.  "Fine" He finally conceded. "But I'm driving you AND picking you up right after school hours. If you feel there's anything wrong, and I mean anything: with the wound or even just a feeling, you call me. Okay?" "Okay" You agreed, even though it was a bit much. But Derek was like that, and it was fine by you. "Should I call you mom? It would feel right after that speech" "Don't call me mom" He said sternly. "Alright then" You grinned at his offence. "Now if you don't mind, I'm gonna go to sleep" You started getting off the table, but Derek stopped you. "Nope" He shook his head. "You need to take it easy, so no walking tonight" "You must be kidding me" You deadpanned. "You saw the wound, it's nothing" "It's something enough to be careful" He argued, picking you up in his arms and carrying you again upstairs to the bedroom. He then put your down on the soft surface of the mattress and grabbed your pajama shorts from the dresser. He took off your jeans and replaced them by the stretchy clothing, all while you gave him an unimpressed look. It was something you could have done yourself without a problem.  He then paused and looked away, a distant look in his eyes. His shoulders slouched as he made his way around the bed and laid down beside you. "Derek" You called softly, and his glance met yours. They showed vulnerability, which was a rare occurrence for your boyfriend. "Thank you. For taking care of me" "Always" He mumbled as he took your hand and placed a kiss on it. "I'm sorry you got hurt because of me" "It's not because of you" You said, carefully rolling on your good side to face him. "It's because they're stupid and wrong and they don't like that I'm exposing them" Derek cracked a smile at that.  "I bet they'll be so jealous of my personal escort and bodyguard tomorrow" You added with a yawn. "They wish they had someone as good looking to do the job on top of it"  "We've been together for two years and a half, you don't need to flirt to get what you want" He rolled his eyes playfully, poking your shoulder where he was sure it wasn't bruised.  "What if flirting is what I want?" You challenged before laughing it off. Just seeing his smile made up for the terrible evening that had happened. "Come on, get your pretty ass closer. You can't protect me from all these feet apart" "Very funny" He tried to stay stern, but failed miserably. He scooted over and wrapped his arms around you, careful not to put weight over your injury. "I love you, (Y/N). So much" "I love you more" You smiled against his chest. "Goodnight, my fierce protector" "Goodnight, queen warrior" Your laugh at the nickname got lost as tiredness took over you, making you fall asleep in the arms of your lover.

Chapter 4

A/N: Hello! I am so happy to share this next chapter with you! I once again apologize for not having it out last week, but things in my personal life have settled down and I was able to get this chapter finished! Please enjoy it xx

     “Hey, don’t worry about today.” Harry tried to cheer Alexa up after hearing her worried tone clearly float over the phone. “Kate is lovely, you have got nothing to worry about.” The prince reassured Alexa that her tour with Kate would go well without any concern.

     Alexa pushed open the tall glass framed doors leading into her work building. “I am sure she is, Harry. I just…” She stopped walking to take a quick glance around the entrance and breathed in deeply. “What if she says something about you. What am I supposed to say?” Alexa whispered her fears to Harry.

     Harry could hear the concern laced in Alexa’s voice. She had confided in Harry last night while they were talking on the phone that his sister in law, the Duchess of Cambridge, was coming to her work for a private tour and was interested in becoming a patron of Guardian. It was obvious to Harry that Alexa was nervous about the whole encounter.

    “Hey…” His voice grew soft and quiet with understanding. “It’s going to be fine.” Harry sweetly assured her the best he could. “Well I haven’t exactly told anyone about you, really… so she won’t bring it up.”

    “I know.” Alexa waved to a coworker who had entered the building before casually looking away to not bring any further attention to herself. “I haven’t even told Eugenie that we are going on a date.” She reminded herself of that little piece of information.

    “Listen. Kate knows better than to bring up anything personal while on an official basis so I cannot see her doing that unless it is in private with you. Maybe she won’t even remember you from their party.” Harry sighed, hoping that he was able to provide some sort of comfort to her.

    “Ok.” She breathed out while nodding slowly. “I better get going, Harry.” A smile crept up on her lips as Alexa lowered her head to the ground. “Thank you for listening to me.”

    “Anytime.” Harry smiled before looking up to see his private secretary enter the room with an unpleased expression. “I will talk to you later, ok? Everything will be just fine, Alexa.”

    Alexa walked towards her office replaying Harry’s final words in her mind, hoping that they would ring true.

    Alexa glanced down at her dress and smoothened over the material while adjusting it for the tenth time. She had decided to wear a black long pink and white floral print maxi dress that hung off her body eloquently. Pairing it with silver heels make her look simple yet classy for her tour with the Duchess.

    Grace smiled crookedly, internally giggling at how nervous Alexa was while she stood beside the young blonde patiently waiting for their guest to arrive. “Don’t look so nervous. You will be great!” Grace leaned in and whispered to Alexa as the Duchess of Cambridge was led in with her team from the back entrance to avoid any detection.

    Grace stepped forward and welcomed Catherine to Guardian. “Welcome to Guardian, your royal highness. It is a pleasure to have you visit. We have been greatly looking forward to showing you around Guardian today.” She shook Catherine’s hand with a welcoming smile as the Duchess graceful displayed her elation for the tour.

    “The pleasure is all mine, Grace. I have been looking forward to it as well. But, please call me Catherine.” Alexa stood there silently staring at the Duchess feeling her heart pounding in her chest. She was absolutely beautiful, dressed in a teal three quarter length sleeve dress that hung below her knees. The Duchess exuded a calming presence mixed with an eloquent essence that floated from around her.

    “I would like to introduce you to a few of my staff, if you will.” Grace led her back towards the awaiting group of people behind her first stopping at Alexa.

    “Alexa Grey is one of our social workers here at Guardian.” Alexa looked directly into Catherine’s warm chocolate eyes and shook her hand with a tight grip before dipping into a tiny curtsy out of respect towards the Duchess.

    “Hello, Alexa.” The Duchess smiled down at Alexa brightly.

    “Hello, your royal highness. Thank you for coming to visit us today.” Alexa had mustered as much confidence as she could and warmly welcomed Harry’s sister in law.

     “Alexa will be taking you on the tour this morning and explaining everything we offer here.” Grace continued to explain while Catherine’s eyes lit up in excitement as they turned back towards Alexa.

    “I am much looking forward to it all, Alexa.” Catherine moved down the line giving Alexa a moment to gather her wits. The Duchess appeared very interested learning about the work they were doing at Guardian and greeted everyone with a warm smile.

    “Is there anything that I can get you before you start the tour, Catherine?” Grace offered to the Duchess.

    “No, thank you.” Catherine shook her head. “Everyone here has been so welcoming.”

     “I am very pleased to hear that.” Grace proudly displayed a genuine smile. “Please do ask Alexa any questions you may have. She worked under me when she first arrived here as an intern and knows everything there is about Guardian being one of our longest social workers employed here.”

    “I intend to!” Catherine giggled lightly as she looked beside her at Alexa.

    “Shall we?” Alexa offered the Duchess to lead the way through Grace’s office doors to begin the tour.

    Alexa had taken the Duchess and her private secretary through the basics of what is offered at Guardian giving insight to the issues that they see on a day-to-day basis including the sexual assaults and domestic violence supports they offer to survivors.

    The Duchess and Alexa had sat in on a support group session that allowed Catherine to hear the stories of some woman and their struggles in returning back to a life they never thought was possible. Catherine was able to speak with a few women about their experience and how Guardian has helped them overcome obstacles they would not be able to have faced on their own.

    Alexa walked out of the meeting with a very concerned Duchess. “I had no idea how difficult it was for people to get back their life that was taken from them through all this unnecessary hurt.” Catherine shook her head lightly. “They are so brave.”

    “They are brave and it takes a lot of courage to leave a situation that you think is your only option. But, it is even harder to ask for help to do so. That’s where we come in.” Alexa reassured the concerned Duchess. “We try to assist in all aspects of their life so they have a team behind them to support them along every step of the way whether it is legal, employment, child support, housing or even providing mental health support because their scars are sometimes hidden very deep, not just in the physical sense. It’s an holistic approach to their healing so to speak as one aspect of their life tends to overlap with so many others.”

    Catherine hung onto every word Alexa was saying. “May I ask why you work here? I don’t mean to pry, but it must be difficult sometimes seeing all these women and children affected like this.” Catherine walked along side Alexa in a slow steady step.

    “I don’t mind at all you asking.” Alexa cleared her throat. “It is hard some days, but it is harder not to help I believe.” Catherine glanced up at Alexa and locked in her gaze. “These woman deserve to have a life that is without fear and so do their children. Personally, I do not know what it is like to feel the way that they do and quite frankly I want to be the one preventing it all from happening rather than being part of the solution to pick up the pieces when it has. It’s much more easier to prevent this through education or other means rather than having these survivors have to experience it before they get help and that’s only the ones that seek out help. There are far too many that do not.”

    “How would you prevent it?” Catherine intriguingly asked.

    Alexa laughed lightly. “Catherine, I could take all day explaining that. But, what these women need right now is the solutions and quite frankly I wouldn’t know where to start as its not as black and white. But, that is my hope that one day we move away to preventative actions instead of creating solutions because no matter who you are, you should never have to go through what happens to them.” Catherine simply nodded in understanding.

    “I can see how passionate you are about this place.” The Duchess commended Alexa with a slow nod. “It’s evident why Grace picked you to show me around Guardian. I can feel how involved you are in everyone’s story and the amount of trust they give you is hard to come by especially after what they have experienced.”

    “Thank you, Catherine.” Alexa smiled gratefully back at her. “We really do hope that if you are just as passionate about making real change here, than you would join us in doing so. I can see you fitting in well as part of our team here. We need all the help we can get as there is always more work to do and reaching not just these women, but other populations as well. We just don’t have the resources to do so yet.”

    “Everything about this place seems so special, especially the people in it.” Catherine sighed as she looked around the empty children’s room Alexa had led her too.

    “I know that you are interested in children’s mental health and their wellbeing.” Alexa continued to show her around the room. “Not only do we offer supports for women, we also do for their children as they are affected by it too.” Alexa went on to explain more to the Duchess about the child health programs that include play therapy.

    Having found themselves at the end of the tour, Catherine and Alexa were alone in the hall when Catherine shared a knowing look with Alexa, making her fear innately grow.

    “I knew I had recognized you before when we first met and now I am just realizing that you were at the engagement party the other night.” Catherine’s face lit up with proud recognition. “You are friends with Eugenie, is that right?”

    Alexa simply nodded with a nervous smile. “Yes, we have been friends for a number of years.” She confirmed with the Duchess and hoped to end that portion of the discussion.

    “It was a fabulous party wasn’t it? Perfect weather and the dock bar was amazing in itself! Such an unique touch.” Catherine continued to speak of the memory of that night. “I do remember seeing you with Harry…”

    Alexa’s body froze not knowing how to respond as Catherine caught her off guard. She sheepishly looked around noticing that there was no one around them. Biting down on her bottom lip nervously, Alexa nodded.

    “I was.” Was the only thing Alexa managed to force out regretfully.

    “I won’t pester you for more information.” Catherine reached out and rubbed Alexa’s arm. “I do not want to make you uncomfortable at all. You two seemed like you were enjoying each other’s company is all that I noticed.” She smiled sweetly at Alexa in hopes of getting more of a reaction from the blonde, but she did not. Alexa did not say a word back being afraid to say anything without talking to Harry, knowing that he had not yet divulged the fact that they were going on a date to anyone.

    “Well, I better go have a meeting with your boss and talk to her about what a wonderful place this is. I will be sure to let Grace know that you were the perfect guide and showed me everything that Guardian has to offer and more, Alexa.” Catherine offered her hand and Alexa shook it while remaining quiet.

    “Thank you.” Alexa forced out through the remnants of her blank mind.

    “I hope that I will be seeing you around more often, in more ways than one.” Catherine subtly hinted with a wink before she turned and walked away from Alexa with a mischievous smile making Alexa cringe inside.

    She knows. She totally knows.

    Alexa thought to herself before nearly running back towards her office and shutting her door to decide how to handle this.

    “Hold on.” Alexa cradled her phone between her cheek and shoulder trying to read the instructions on how to put a new dresser together. The delivery guy had dropped it off after her long day at work and left her with an array of pieces and screws. Long story short, she had no idea where to begin.

    “I have no idea where to start with this.” Alexa glanced at her living room floor covered with scattered materials while she spoke to Harry on the phone. He had called her shortly after his engagement ended to see how her day with Kate went.

    “You know, I am quite handy.” Harry boasted through the phone with an arrogant posh tone. “I could come over and help you out.” He kindly offered and tempted the blonde as she felt overwhelmed simply looking at all the little pieces strewn out on her living room floor.

    “You would do that?” She plopped herself down on the sofa and waited for a reply.

    “Of course!” Harry did not hesitate to take Alexa up on the offer to spend more time with her. “I could be over in fifteen minutes, if you’d like.”

    Alexa’s lips tugged into a smile. “Yeah.” She paused. “Yeah I would really appreciate that. Have you had dinner yet?” She thought of a way to repay him for his kindness.

    “No, I have not.” His posh deep voice sounded.

    “Why don’t I make you dinner then? To repay you for your help.” Alexa sweetly informed the prince. “It’s the least I could do.”

    “You don’t have too. But, I will take you up on the offer.” Harry smiled knowing he might be able to get to spend the evening with Alexa.

    “I don’t mind at all. I will see you soon? The buzzer is under my last name, Grey.” Alexa spoke with the prince for the next few minutes before hanging up and rushing to her fridge to pull out something to make for dinner.

    The prince arrived quicker than she had anticipated as she let Harry into the building. A loud knock sounded a short minute later and Alexa skipped to the door and grasped the handle. She took in a deep breath to calm her rapid heart before opening the door to see Harry trying to be incognito in a navy blue ball cap.

    “Hi.” He flashed a toothy grin at the sight of her, evidently happy to see the blonde again.

    “Hey, come on in.” Alexa opened the door wider, allowing the prince to walk into the entrance of her flat. Harry took off his cap and glanced around her flat while she closed the door shut behind him and locked it. “No protection officers this time?” She noticed the prince alone without a trailing man.

    “Not this time. Snuck out on my own.” He grinned mischievously.

    “Thanks for coming. You don’t know how much help this would help me. I am not the average handyman on a good day.” Alexa touched his shoulder, gaining his blue eyes down on her.

    Harry smiled warmly with a simple shrug. “It’s no big deal.” He peaked around and saw the pieces strewn across her floor. “Let’s take a look and see what you got going on.” Harry followed Alexa into the living room and crouched down beside her as she handed him the instructions.

    He took his time reading them and combined all the pieces that fit with one another. “At least you have the proper tools.” Harry pulled a small box towards him and fished through it.

    Alexa stood up and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. “Yeah. You can thank my father for that. He always makes sure I have everything, just in case of an emergency.” She started to giggle. “You should see my trunk. It has a full survival kit just in case I get caught in a zombie apocalypse on my way to work.” Her contagious laughter grew as the prince tossed his head back in laughter.

    “Can never be too prepared I guess. He sounds like my father.” The prince hinted as he turned his attention back to reading through the instructions.

    Harry glanced up at the blonde from below and grinned. “Well, this looks pretty simple. But, I will need your help for a few pieces.” He turned his eye back to review the first step.

    “Ok. Let me go put dinner in the oven and then I should be free to help.” She stepped away in her bare feet and tip toed across the floor.

    Harry and Alexa nearly had all of the pieces assembled as they were working on the last one. “Can you hit nail this one in? I will hold it in place.” Harry held the nail steady as Alexa started hitting it slowly with the hammer, careful not to hit the prince’s hand. Throughout the evening she had learned a great deal from Harry about all the different tools and wanted to build at least one piece by herself.

    He moved his finger at just the moment that Alexa was bringing down the hammer, striking it hard. “Ahhhh!” The prince cried out in pain and frightened Alexa as she dropped the hammer instantly to the floor, staring at his red finger while he clutched his hand.

    “OH MY GOD! HARRY!” Alexa apologized profusely and gently grasped his hand. “I am so sorry.”

    “It’s fine.” Harry clenched his jaw together and tried to hide the visible pain etched across his face, taking his hand back away from Alexa.

    “No, you are not. Stop pretending and let me have a look at it.” Alexa sassed back with narrowed her eyes at Harry’s fib, but they grew into a soft gaze making Harry see how awful Alexa felt that she hit his finger. “Please.” Those mesmerizing green eyes brought him in to their depths and made the decision for him.

    “Ok.” He nodded and released his hand from his clutch.

    Alexa gently grasped it and angled her head down and winced after analyzing it further. “I am so sorry, Harry.” She was genuine with her apology that matched her concern expression that grew each passing second. “Let’s run it under cold water and I will get an ice pack.”

    “It’s ok. I will live.” The blonde got to her feet and helped the prince up, leading him towards her kitchen to make him run it under cool water to help with the pain. Alexa opened her fridge freezer and grabbed n ice packing, wrapping it up in a towel.

    “Here, this will help with the swelling.” Harry immediately felt the soothing cold surround his throbbing finger. He really had not planned on making such a big deal about it all for Alexa’s sake, but she was determined to help make it all better.

    “Alexa?” Harry’s soft voice coaxed her concerned green eyes to lift from attending to his finger up to his eyes. “Please don’t feel bad. This happens all the time. Why don’t we finish the last piece and then relax for a bit?”

    Alexa opened her mouth to protest, but Harry’s raised eyebrow silenced her plea. Her dark lashes fluttered closed while a slow nodding of the head. “Ok, but stay far away from me unless you want something else smashed.” The blonde giggled lightly and walked back to the last piece left to assemble.

    “I will sit on the sidelines and watch.” The prince followed in behind Alexa. “Besides, I have thought you well young padawan. Or shall I say young poundawan.” Harry bellowed a deep laughter from his belly, but was quickly met with a set of green eyes glaring at his ridiculousness.

    “That’s not funny at all Harry.” Alexa knelt down to the ground and picked up the hammer. “Dork.” She mumbled quietly, but was just loud enough for Harry to hear her.

    “Uh, did you just call me a dork?” Harry sat down comfortably down on the ground across from Alexa to guide her through the last piece. Alexa’s green eyes peaked up through her lashes and grinned through smiling lips followed by a silent nod.

    “And what are you going to do about it if I did?” Alexa carefully lined up the hammer with the nail, slowly pounding it into the wood. She adorably stuck out her tongue out the side of her mouth to aid in her concentration.

    “Nothing, I’m not ashamed of being one.” Harry watched from afar as Alexa independently finished the piece without Harry’s guidance.

    The proud smile that was plastered on her face as she finished was charming to the prince. “There, all finished.” Alexa placed her hands on her hips with a sense of accomplishment.

    “Well done! Didn’t even need me at all!” Harry commended the smiling blonde.

    “I guess you taught me well then.” Alexa was beaming from ear to ear.

    Neither Harry nor Alexa were ready to finish their unplanned evening together so they decided to relax on the sofa after a long days work and find a TV show they both enjoyed. Alexa made some homemade popcorn and drizzled it with an unhealthy amount of butter that Harry dived into.

    The blonde beauty was keeping a comfortable distance between Harry and her that did not go unnoticed by the prince. Harry’s head turned with a raised eyebrow, eying Alexa until she felt Harry’s gaze on her. Her head slowly turned to find him with an incredulous look on his face.

    “What?” Alexa lightly giggled and bit down on her lower lip, already having an inkling of what the prince was about to bring up.

    “Why are you so far away from me?” Harry’s blue eyes bore into her being.

    “Don’t look at me like that…” Alexa’s voice trailed off into a quiet whisper while her head lowered to avoid his powerful gaze.

    “Come on, come a little closer. I won’t bite you… that hard anyway.” Harry coaxed Alexa’s attention back on him and lifted his arm to welcome her into his space. A brief look of hesitation flashed across Alexa’s face as she internally contemplated her decision. With a tiny sigh, Alexa scooted over towards Harry and cozied up beside him. The two shifted their bodies until they found a comfortable position to relax beside one another.

    “That’s better.” Harry muttered and looked down at Alexa with a growing smile. Alexa’s lips spread into a grin, matching the prince’s reaction.

    Alexa’s head was rested on Harry’s shoulder, silently watching the show giving Harry the opportunity to steal a glance at Alexa. His eyes found themselves taking in every inch of her. It was rare moments like these that he loved quietly watching Alexa and seeing the vast expressions that formed across her face. Her lips were parted slightly as her green eyes were glued to the screen ahead of them.

    His mind still could wrap his head around the fact that they had met before hand and the prince had not recognized this beauty of a woman that was now sitting next to him. He racked through all the memories where he could have possibly met Alexa, but it was coming up blank. There was no way in his mind that he would have forgotten a face or body like Alexa’s. There was a part of him that craved to know how their first interaction went according to Alexa.

    “Alexa?” He spoke her name just loud enough over the noise coming from the TV.  

    “Mhmm?” Her eyes remained glued to the show.

    “When did you first meet me?” The genuine wonder in his voice caused Alexa to lift her head off of the prince’s shoulder and glance up at him questioningly.

    The expression that was forming on her face was one that took her smile right off her lips. Alexa parted her mouth to speak, but hesitated and shook her head lightly. “A long time ago.” Was the simplest answer she wanted to give Harry while brushing off the topic.

    Harry reached forward and grabbed the remote off the coffee table, pausing the TV show. He was eager to know more, especially since observing Alexa’s hesitance in answering and her smile fading away into nothing. “We both know I don’t remember, but you do and it’s killing me not knowing why I don’t ever remember meeting someone like you.” Alexa’s green eyes held his gaze, hanging on to his every word.

    This was a conversation that made her quite uncomfortable due to their current situation with dating one another. She looked down away from the prince towards her fidgeting hands that attempted to calm the budding nerves coursing through her while the prince waited patiently in silence.

    “It was a party at the Van Straubenzee’s a few months after Henry died.” Alexa started to speak, but would not look Harry in the eye. “I went with Eugenie and I remember her telling me how worried she was about you.” A set of green eyes peaked up at him cautiously. “You had just broken up with Chelsy and one of your best friends had died.” Alexa breathed out and pursed her lips together not wanting to bring more of it up.

    “I was shit faced that night, I remember that at least.” Harry commented with a nodding head. “Was I at least nice to you?” The genuine concern was evident in his voice.

    Alexa’s lips spread into a tiny soft smile as she locked eyes with the prince. “You were quite funny, Harry. I was outside and you randomly came and sat down next to me.” The blonde started to giggle a bit. “We talked for a while and you were nice, but then you said a few things that really concerned me. You weren’t coping well that night and you opened up a bit to me. But, you were also quite influenced by the alcohol you had consumed.”

    Harry’s brow furrowed in confusion and felt an anger towards himself. Internally kicking himself for not remembering that night. The only memory he had of that night was finding himself the next morning in a guest bedroom with a feeling that someone had taken care of him and gotten him into that bed safely.

    The blonde started to share more as her voice brought the prince back into reality. “I got worried and well I convinced you to stop drinking and to sleep it off. I helped you up the stairs and found a guest room away from everyone so know one would know.”

    The prince had a growing feeling as Alexa as continued to tell the story of what happened that she was indeed the person that helped him through that awful night. She could have easily taken advantage of the situation and talked to the press or had taken exclusive pictures to sell, but she didn’t and that alone built the already respect he held for Alexa up that much higher.

    “You were trying to convince me to stay with you, but I knew it was best not to.” Alexa’s head swayed back and forth.  “Even though you tried to kiss me multiple times and brought out your most charming pick up lines so I was told.”

    “I tried to kiss you?” Harry’s eyebrow rose in question while Alexa’s head nodded slowly at confirming the confession.

    “Yeah… I think you thought I was Chelsy.” Alexa shied away at the memory of it. “Anyway, I don’t blame you at all for not remembering it. We never spoke again so I didn’t know if you remembered or not until Eugenie’s party.”

    Harry’s head leaned back against the frame of the sofa as he released a deep sigh. He could definitely have seen his younger rebel self, doing something exactly like that. He could have thought it was his ex or that he simply wanted to get over her with someone else and that was of course the first impression that Alexa had of Harry in her mind. “Well shit. I made a great first impression that I could not even remember.” He barked a laugh only to hear Alexa join in at his expense, but she quickly attempted to stifle it feeling a healthy level of guilt for doing so.

    “I’m sorry.” His blue eyes softened their gaze at the beautiful blonde.

    “You don’t need too. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Alexa’s voice was quiet and calming. His eyes carefully watched Alexa’s brow furrow in thought as he angled his head down at her wondering what she was thinking in that mind of hers.

    “Why don’t we both agree that our first impressions of each other is when we both could remember it?” Her hand rested on his knee comfortably as their gaze lingered in silence. “I like that version better.”

    The prince had gotten so lost in Alexa’s sparkling deep green eyes he had forgot to reply. “I think that is a fabulous idea, Alexa.”

    “Good! Now can we finish X-Factor?” Alexa reached forward and grabbed the remote to start the show again.

    Harry’s arm lifted again for Alexa to cozy up beside him and she did without needing to be convinced. Though the prince’s mind was far from watching the show, he relished in the feeling of Alexa next to him while his mind conjured up ideas for their first date next week.

Tag your 10 favorite characters of all time

They can be from every book/movie/TV show/Video game, then tag 10 people.

Tagged by @jamlocked, thank you! :D

But also, oh god. XD

Early on as I was making that list, I encountered three problems: 1 - Most of my favourite characters of all time are actually variations on a single character archetype, with a whole damn lot of them even wearing the same name (or similar enough lol). 2 - Most of the ones that don’t fall under this category are from the same 2-3 source material, unless... 3 - ... they’re from sources that I cannot in good conscience recommend anymore, like for example books from MZ Bradley or OS Card that were extremely significant and shaped who I am, but considering what their authors turned out to be, enough said lol.

So instead of a “my favourites of all time” list, I just picked characters that made a significant and lasting impact on me, even if they didn’t turn out to be my absolute favourite from their media source. I hope that’s okay!

Cut for length, because as usual I got chatty.

In no particular order, aside perhaps for the first two: 

1 - Jamie Moriarty from Elementary. My everything. <3 She’s made of... honestly, pretty much all the archetypes I inevitably fall for, male or female, but somehow she rises above the sum of her parts and I cannot even start expressing how much she means to me. Other characters in the same general type would be of course all the Moriartys, Magneto, Gellert Grindelwald, Red John, Alice Morgan, etc. A lot of those characters are heavily defined by their sky-high intelligence and deviousness, but more importantly by the shapes they leave behind when they aren’t on screen/on the pages or when they’re hiding behind masks and facets that never encompass them as a whole, and by the way they always make a extremely lasting impact on the protagonist. When it’s a TV show or a movie, the use of camera language (lighting, colour schemes, camera plans, etc.) around them is always tightly defined and significant, and when it comes to literature, the same effect is applied through metaphors and symbolism. It makes the layers to those characters absolutely endless and when it comes to storytelling, it’s the one thing that’s guaranteed to hook me straight away. (Jamie is also obviously my favourite from her source material, even though Sherlock comes high in second place, and Watson a close third. And I also have a baffling soft spot for Joshua Vikner that probably deserves a mention lol.)

2 - Vegeta from Dragon Ball. Started a genocidal alien who regularly committed mass murder, ended a devoted, self-sacrificial husband and father of two (three if you count his son from the future). Still the best redemption arc I’ve ever seen (and probably will ever see) in any kind of media ever. (He is also -by far- my favourite from his source material.)

3 - Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter. My fae child <3 Literally the only female character I ever identified with in that whole series. People close to me still regularly tell me I channel her lol. (Favourite from her source material: it’s a toss between Gellert Grindelwald and Severus Snape.)

4 - Jareth from Labyrinth. My (other) fae asshole child found in a trash bin lol. Love of my life before I was 10, kept me sane and believing in magic when I most needed to. I learned contact juggling because of him. (He is my fave, although I love Sarah even when she’s being a dramatic whiny teen.)

5 - Rebecca Anderson from The Mentalist. I have a strong and everlasting love for pretty much all characters in TM, but this one extremely minor character made a chilling impact on me by the fact she’s exactly who I would have turned out to be had I not made one tiny little change at a crucial point in my life. So she makes the list if only for that. (My fave TM character is Lisbon, but the way she acts and reacts baffles me on a daily basis. I understand and identify with Jane much better. Fighting hard in third place would be Lorelei Martins and Madeleine Hightower, I think, but I truly love them all and by this point it’s just nuances.)

6 - Erik from Phantom of the Opera. This one stabbed me with a spoon and ate my heart out lol. I care a lot more for the original Leroux version than the Broadway/movie version, but the absolute top iteration of this character is written by Susan Kay in the pastiche Phantom and I bet every serious PotO fan will agree. (He is -by far- my fave, with the Daroga a distant second.)

7 - Eurus Holmes from BBC Sherlock. This one took me completely by surprise. One of the shittiest character arcs I’ve ever seen, and yet. She’s the one that pulled me out of the meta mindset I had been stuck into since season 2 and gutted me like a fish before I had time to realise what happened. (Jim and Irene share the top spot for their source material, but all three Holmes siblings are fighting for third place.)

8 - Hans from Frozen. The one character that made me realise the storytelling & camera language studies paid off lol (”wtf Disney doesn’t design its princes that way, there’s something off about him!”). I genuinely hated him right off the bat when I saw that movie because he made my gut twist with so many red flags, but the moment he revealed himself as a villain things clicked into place and now I love him lol (I’m so predictable xD). He shares the “hiding behind smoke & mirrors & facets of himself” with the Moriarty archetype, which makes him fascinating to watch and analyse, and for that alone I hope to see more of him in Frozen 2 because I never get enough of that kind of character. (Elsa used to be my favourite, but lately there’s been a disconnect. I’m not sure if I just out-grew her or if it’s a depression thing. As for Hans, it’s a strange kind of love/hate/fascination thing that I couldn’t define.)

9 - Clarice Starling from Silence of the Lambs. For the sole reason that her fascination for Hannibal and the pull that makes her come back even though she knows he’s terrible for her mental health made me feel seen, and also validated my own fascination and love for villains, which people around me always found strange. (Obviously, my fave is Hannibal. I wish the recent show about him wasn’t so gore. Can’t watch it because I’m too sensitive to on-screen violence and body horror.)

10 - Laure/Mickaël from Tomboy This one is a little harder to explain, and to be honest I’m not sure I really want to. That movie is... questionable lol but maybe you’ll have an idea why that character made such an impact on me if you saw it. (Or maybe not. It’s okay.)

Runner-ups: Link from A Link to the Past, Sheik/Zelda from Ocarina of Time, Jake from The Dark Tower, Scotty Valens from Cold Case, Scar from The Lion King, Billy Elliot from Billy Elliot, Arya Stark from ASOIAF, Garraty from The Long Walk, L from Death Note, and many many others.

I have exactly 10 followers, one of them tagged me, and I tagged 5 of you earlier on something else so I’m not going to harass you people further. XD Steal this if you want to!