i dont know what's wrong with me but i always feel so sad and heartbroken when i see Colt.

like i feel so overwhelmed with love for him but i really cannot imagine him loving me back. like. like. he's everything. and i'm just keri. y'know.

augh. it feels... impossible. like i am not Good Enough for him. he would not look twice at me. i didn't used to have this problem until i was abused for so long and now it's like... i cannot imagine receiving love unless if it is through violence. oogh. hurts my heart like a motherfucker. i miss the old me.

hey mack! you dont have to respond to this if its too personal or weird of a question but i was just curious how you work with budgeting/time off/and traveling when following franks tours and tours like it because i wanna do it SO BAD

its not too personal but..i dont have a very good answer for it. this could get long (even though i said i dont have a good answer...smh...i just feel like i need to lay out the background info) so im gonna put it under a cut

so i avoid talking about my home life because im embarassed. i still live at home and i dont pay most of my bills. this is largely because i am severely mentally ill and only this year (july) found a medication that helps to stop the constant racing suicidal thoughts. and when you’re literally constantly thinking about killing yourself and that you wont be around much longer (even if you dont act on it) its hard to...move forward in life.

so i have a college degree and i had an internship my senior year with a company that loved me and wanted me to work there and then when i applied i didnt get the job and i basically gave up (part of my bpd) because the rejection was so hard to handle and i felt like it was my only option.

i ended up getting a job at a food place where i worked pretty much full time and became a manager and the money wasnt enough to like move out or pay my bills but it was enough and my parents werent getting on me about it too much at that time cause i had just graduated and i didnt know what i was ready for and to be honest my mom especially has babied me and done everything for me my entire life so like....a LOT of things are especially hard for me and i love and appreciate all that shes done but i wish she had let me fend for myself more cause now im 25 and feel useless ANYWAY

the jobs ive had in the past 2.5 years have mostly made it possible for me to follow tours, they allowed time off and i made enough so that i could save for tickets and stuff like that. however, many times my christmas and birthday presents have been flights or tickets, because they know generally how hard of a time im having all the time and that it means so much to me. theyve definitely enabled me with the whole thing.

nowadays i make basically no money at hot topic cause they give me literally 6 hours a week which i think is bullshit but...idk what else im going to do rn. i started working at hot topic after i spent a month in the hospital in july following a suicide attempt. no one expected me to get a new job right away but i took a leap of faith and applied there and got the job AND starting taking a class at a community college about a month after i was out.

and now i like have a plan. im not using my original degree cause im not passionate about it but im in the process of applying for a surgical tech program which my parents will support me through and then when i graduate ill be able to get a job that pays enough for me to get my own place and pay my own bills and stuff. i am working towards it! you probably didnt need to know all of this but i sometimes feel like im not telling the whole truth when people ask me about how i do tours and stuff

anyway, that all being said, the best thing to do is to just save all of your extra money, all the time. it’s ok to let yourself buy things once in a while but i personally have a habit of spending a lot of money on food that i dont need to as well as other stuff. if you only pay for the things that are necessary and save the rest, depending on your job, it can add up quickly and make it easier for you to do more shows and travel. it just depends on if its a priority for you. shows are my happy place and my priority so its easy for me to say im not gonna go do such and such thing when that could be money for a ticket.

if anyone actually read this whole thing im sorry..

Y’all didn’t send me any questions (except elli whom i adore) so i did them all myself

1. Who do they look up to?

Teirsym looks up to her brother Jonah!!! honestly he’s like. he’s the ideal big brother he always looked out for her and they’re very close.

2. Who do they look to for guidance?

Also Jonah, she loves her brubber a lot ok

3. What would it take for them to betray the person they love?

I literally am thinking about this and i....really don’t think that there would be anything that could get her to betray jonah. like her parents? sure, they weren’t great to her, she’d prefer not to but she would if she had to. Jonah? absolutely not

4. Who is someone they’ve hurt?

i mean. physically? eloise. emotionally? Princey (a guy who fell in love with her), Jessima (her childhood best friend she had a tryst with), the guy she was supposed to get married to...she’s kind of a heartbreaker

10. Sacrifice the one to save many, or save the one no matter the cost?

in theory sacrifice the one to save many, but if it was anyone she knew and loved she’d save them no matter what.

11. Do they have any illnesses?

Dragon’s blight! it’s the disease that’s making her grow scales and is giving her magical powers. she got it from the dragon that attacked her and her brother

12. What is the fastest way to upset them?

badmouth someone she loves, or imply that she doesn’t know what she’s doing. trying to undermine her self confidence will get you a fireball really quick

13. What is something that makes them uncomfortable?

she’s very uncomfortable around the subject of arranged marriages, she doesn’t like to think about it much. 

14. What is something that never fails to make them excited?

HISTORY she’s such a nerd for history

15. Have they ever had their hair washed by another person?

I imagine she had servants, so probably yes. tho it doesn’t matter anymore bc all her hair fell out when scales grew all over her face

16. What is the most romantic thing someone has done for them?

it was probably Jessima...but tbh i don’t think they were very romantic with each other, their tryst was more curiosity. oh god this girl has never been romanced in her LIFE

17. Who is their favorite person(s) to spend time with?

jonah :> (yes im projecting my wishes for a better big brother onto teirsym, why do you ask?)

18. Neck kisses or shoulder kisses?

shoulder kisses!!!

19. How do they feel about public displays of affection?

i think she doesn’t like them until she gets a girlfriend in which case it is Pet Names Always And Holding Hands Constantly

20. Would they be the one to propose, the one hoping for a proposal, or no interest in marriage/the equivalent thereof?

the one hoping for a proposal. call her old fashioned, but she still wants to get swept off her feet by a princess charming

21. Do they prefer giving or receiving gifts?

receiving!! i think she frets a lot over what to get people and that stresses her out

22. How indecisive are they?

not very?? i think that once she makes up her mind she’s very decisive. she makes snap judgements that she tends to stick to.

23. What do they want most in life?

she...gosh i think she just wants to be her own person. i think she just wants to have agency in her own decisions

24. What do they think they’re good at, but aren’t?

i think she knows her weaknesses fairly well, but she definitely isn’t suave around pretty girls

25. What is something they think they’re bad at, but are actually pretty competent at?

card games. she always lost to her father but that’s because he’s like. amazing at cards.

26. What is something they’re legitimately bad it?

anything involving wisdom. anything involving strength.

27. Do they have any cool scar stories?

her only scar is on her face, and that’s from the dragon attack that gave her dragon’s blight

28. When left to their own devices, how would they spend a free day?

reading, probably

29. What do they do to relax?

read. unwind in a bath. take walks, that sort of thing

30. What is their ideal sleeping situation?

she likes frilly nightgowns and lots of soft blankets with soft pillows and a soft mattress. she was pampered growing up and though she doesn’t complain about it, she misses the luxury

31. Do they have a comfort food?

peaches. i don’t know why but yeah it’s peaches

32. What is their favorite thing to drink?

peppermint tea!! she loves peppermint tea. she’s getting a taste for whiskey.

33. Do they have a signature accessory?

she had a mask for awhile bc she was all scaly and didn’t want to draw attention to herself, but she lost it recently.

34. How do they generally wear their hair?

when she had hair, she’d wear it up. nowadays she...doesn’t have hair

35. What color would they paint their nails?

before?? gold. now?? red, matches her scales

36. Are there any holidays or celebrations they dislike?

i don’t know enough about the holidays, but tbh anything that made her go to church

37. Are there any holidays or celebrations that they go all in for?

idk why but i get the sense that she loves the winter gift giving holiday of her realm

38. How would you describe their decorating sense?

bougie 

39. Would they rather have a picnic in the woods or a picnic on the beach?

beach!!! her family had a beach house and she finds it comforting

40. Blanket fort or tree house?

blanket fort

*Tackle hugs* WHAT UP, Im here for the marine life asks-Orca, Narwhal, Seahorse! (the names are so cute hdbdj SEAHORSES ARE CUTE)

YAY HIAs there is no attached OC I’m gonna guess these are for me ;) and right!? Ocean Creature names are the cutest-- THERE’S A CREATURE CALLED A CUDDLEFISH AND IT’S SO CUTE

ORCA: Are you an easy-to-scare person? what scares you the most?          I am, in fact, incredibly easy to scare, depending on how you define scare. My dad and my best friend have both full on made me jump five feet in the air with a real, guttural scream but only twice total, my dad startles me constantly because even though he’s a heavy dude you can’t hear his footsteps, and I have been creeped out by my Halloween decorations on more than one occasion due to when I’d have to wake up for school (we have some creepy decorations, ok? I’ll show pics some time xD)          What scares me the most? Mmm probably the feeling of eyes on my back and whatever lurks in the dark. I love the dark and whatever’s inside it a lot but I need to have as many lights on as possible if I’m by myself and hate being outside at 3am when CiCi decides “yeah, this is the optimal time to pee” because it just doesn’t feel safe, y’know? It’s creepy. Ironically even when I was literally scared of the dark as a kid and needed a nightlight, I could handle passing dark rooms. Now I have to run past the openings as quick as possible, but don’t mind sleeping in the dark xD

Narwhal: what is your favorite literary genre? why?          Fantasy, hands down!          I just adore the worlds that get created and supernatural, not-horror-related, stories are my absolute bread and butter! It just makes stories fun and interesting-- especially detective stories because you don’t know if it was a vampire’s doing or some serial killer trying to frame vampires and it’s just. It’s nice. Plus, sometimes you get free reign over a lot more than you would a real life/modern setting.          There’s probably a lot more I could say, but it’s actually really hard for me to find the words? There’s just something about a fantasy story, be it magic, soulmates, supernatural, or a completely new world entirely that I really enjoy seeing in my head and reading along with.           Funnily enough, I am not that huge a fan of the “classics” (I say classics because they seem to be the top fantasy authors people think of nowadays) like Tolkien and JKR’s works. Movies? Sure, I’ll watch ‘em. Books? Tried them, didn’t like them. Rick Riordan on the other hand? LOVE THE BOOKS SO MUCH and I’m sad I don’t have more of them.

(this last bit is pretty long, so it’s going under “keep reading”)

Seahorse: which is your favorite memory ever?           Aw man, this one’s hard. I have a lot of good memories, and my favorite memory tends to switch depending on which memories come to mind at the time. And I know there’s a really special one hidden somewhere in my brain that trumps all of them, because I remember thinking at the time that it was the best moment of my life, but I’m almost constantly unable to recall what it was.          So instead, off the top of my head, my favorite memory might be when my dad, our dog CoCo, and I went on one of our first summer road trips. I was either 8 or 9 at the time (actually, probably a bit older because my dad finally decided to take my door off the jeep as well, so I was probably closer to 11/12), and we were on the way to Yellowstone. We stopped at plenty of cool places along the way; Mount Rushmore, Crazy Horse Memorial (at the time it was practically just his head), that one place with all the Red Rocks in Utah, this little shop run by native americans who had GORGEOUS wares-- I got some hair clippies and a bookmark, and we talked with them for about an hour, at least! I think dad got something too but I can’t remember what.          Anyway, while most of the places we went to allowed pets, there were some places that didn’t-- like restaurants. What we’d do in these scenarios is park as close as we could to the place, and then ask for a window seat where Dad could keep an eye on the car and CoCo.          Something you should know about CoCo: She was a pretty laid back dachshund who adored car rides and sun bathing about 3000x more than she enjoyed food. She didn’t mind us leaving the car, didn’t try to follow us (though she did always try to keep us in sight for as long as possible), and the second we left she’d claim one of our seats for herself and just relax.           BUT she’d also protect the car, which, in the summer, was basically just the skeleton (or in its swimsuit, I suppose): no doors and no roof except a bikini top.            So we’re sitting in the restaurant, right? Waiting for our food, the car directly across from us next to the sidewalk (we’re also pretty close to the door). CoCo’s lazing in my seat, the picture of perfect, sunbathing bliss with a huge grin on her face. And she’s a small dog, so you wouldn’t really expect her to be scary in anyway-- maybe she’d even look old to you at the time, because Dapples were rare at the time, some of her light brown was already turning grey, and she had mange that refused to go away so she had some bald spots.           And there’s this teen boy and either his parents or a friend (I don’t remember which) walking by; and for whatever reason, this kid had either forgotten or never been taught the number one rule: Do Not Touch the dog unless the owner says it’s ok.          We can see it in his eyes/body language as they’re getting closer to the car. Dad and I are both quietly betting on what’s going to happen (I swear we were like Golf Commentators/Announcers) and also getting ready to run out if needed. Even CoCo can see what this dude is thinking, which is “I want to pet the dog”          He slows down as he gets to the car, doesn’t even look around to see if the owners are nearby, and CoCo’s followed him with her eyes since these guys got close enough, but hasn’t actually moved. She’s still lounging on the seat, panting and content, looking for all the world like she’s totally okay with all of this.          He reaches out to pet her when BAM! CoCo leaps to her feet, barking up a storm and startling the guy so much he almost trips; Dad and I burst into laughter. The dude’s friend/parents say something to him I think, maybe an “I told you so”, idk, and he’s walking away trying to act all casual. CoCo finishes barking once they’re a slab of sidewalk or two away from the jeep, wags her tail happily, and then just flops back down like none of the interaction happened.          Looking back on it I kinda feel a little bad for the dude (i think he was pretty embarrassed) but it was one of the most hilarious things to ever happen to me, so it’s definitely a fav.           A very close second is when we woke up freezing in our tent because CoCo literally stole all the blankets/sheets and made herself the eye of a blanket hurricane, and another situation tied for very close second happened a few months after this trip: CoCo apparently didn’t think we were coming to the door fast enough so she howled to get our attention even though I was right there. Literally howled. The Yellowstone wolves must’ve taught her that! The entire house froze when she did it, too xD (Mom and dad, from different places in the house after a minute of pure silence: “What the heck was that?!”)           CoCo had never looked more proud.

can i express how i feel today?

why is that everytime someone wants something good in their life.....there has to be something or someone to ruin it? yin and yang? good and bad? without one, you can have the other? makes sense. has too. and if it doesnt, does that make you blind to reality? you living in your own reality where things are make believe? dreamland? how could someone live there knowing that isnt the reality that we live in? would that consume you mentally? and if it didn't, would you actually be living your life? yolo? i mean you would have to actually dream it and make it reality but you necessarily couldnt because you would dwell to much on that reality of yours and get lost in the idea of actually making it. so i guess in terms, you have to know when to leave your box, and expand without losing the fire. hmmm.....you think some people actually think, "my life is actually amazing" when in reality its not. i mean that could be their reality or idea of what life being good is.....just because its different from your idea of a good life doesnt make it any less dumb or not "good" enough. but where im going with this is, can people actually go through life things about what they can be doing instead of what they are actually doing? i mean you have to get to a certain point where you see someone actually try to progress and be like "hey you are doing it!!" or "fucking told you so" and find humor in someone elses bad luck.....but im a strong believer that people go through life not trying to succeed and love to stay in their shell and cry wolf when no one has time for them or can make time. its like are we suppose to wait for you to decide when its time to change. katt williams said it ffucking right when he said it," cant be fucking with people doing the same shit every year" "them people are the unhealthy people that will drag you down" " if you gotta succeed alone then so be it, at least you arent being held back by those who call you their friends"

guess you can say im not in the best mood atm, pretty down, wouldnt say depressed. my kids are happy. and healthy. shit to healthy i think. i do miss them. rather be with them at this very moment instead of this place or surrounding. but things and people are stopping me from that currently. im the type of person who cant get anger constantly.....i have 3 modes. anger and im attacking. anger and i cry because it did it to myself. or happy and burying what i have bury to no get emotional. you dont know how many people have told me you do this to yourself joshua.....like a fucking record thats skipping. and i finally realize the reason i keep making immature mistakes. i cant hate....truly hate someone if they were to mess with my babies. and my dog. and my computer lol. but truly hate someone who done me wrong? i mean my dad use to beat the shit out of me. my mom as well.....mostly females who loved the idea of being with me or wanted to be with me. i cant truly hate none of them....so i guess you can say i relaspe until i figure a soultion inbetween hating them and being their slave. relaspe like a user and my drug is female......well the idea of being in love like they would see me. my idea of being in love and being able to love someone excites me. but it cant be just anyone....definitely cant be anyone. and i tend to jump from one to another because that fizz isnt there anymore. the cheating. the lying......i have yet to have someone constantly keep my entertained like i would think they would want too. i mean the concept of,"if you dont do it someone else will" and most people nowadays settle for it keep the hope alive. that idea of being loved and loving alive.....but why? should the couple understand that concept because how more real can it get? i mean if you dont buy flowers for her someone else will. if you dont make him dinner someone else will. if you dont tell her you love her like people need air and show her, someone definitely will come along and tell her and that and actually mean it. if you dont fucking him or keep him satifisted, you know damn well someone will be waiting for that text saying, "hey wyd" and you dont believe that....its ok eventually you will have to figure it out or be stuck in a constant loop for immature relationship or immature adults who act like big ol babies

i honestly feel like crying my eyes out. or leaving and crying in my truck....what good will that do me? probably make my eyes look like shit and hurt, thus not worth it. even though i know its not worth it, i still feel the sense of sadness growing inside of me. like a sickness you werent prepared for. no medicine can help you and only you can help yourself. but yeah that brings it back to me not being able to truly hate someone. what will hating them get me? make me feel better? temporary? sure maybe but would it be worth it to bring someone down with my lashing of constant bombardement of hateful words and degrading comments? yeah definitely bring their asses to the reality they may not be seeing or what they caused me to do. reaction to their action? not the best choice thats why i choose not to be a hateful person. even though i know some would say go for it. use it to make yourself beat this sickness they call sadness........they been telling me that since day 1 and you think i choose to do it yet? lol i just cant. the cheaters, liars, the "its you and not me", the "i love you but not in love with you" yeah i cant. idk hate me cause i cant stand up and do it. i just dont feel the need to do it. and thats the main reason i slip....relaspe back to the idea of actually being loved by these so called girls.....i cant call you women because you havent shown me enough to actually be a woman. but im not innocent bystander. ive done it all and im not proud it either but i can dwell on it as i do it because why sit here and love someone who isnt texting you or talking to you or attempting to be with you and expect you to sit here waiting with you bent over like you ready about to get fucked? lol literally majority of people want you to wait on them if you are their friend or if you love them....like what shit you smoking.....waiting on hand and foot yet you give me a pinky of time and attention? thats not being mean nor hateful in my opinion. thats just common sense....shit i would expect that if i wasnt fucking or loving a girl i was interested in. thats why i never text first... if im important or whatever ( with certain exceptions of course! lol hey grey areas) then you would make time for me....best believe if you text me or call me, and i find you highly attractive or actually like you, you wont just get one text or two....maybe like a series of questions or a poem lol lol or something to bring you closer mentally and physcially lol but thats just it. you cant race to win and stop racing......keep it pushin! never stop. yeah its alot of work but wtf you think we are here for? to obtain this lifes best by simply hopefully for it to happen? yeah some are fortunated the others but then mostly 99% of people arent that fortunate that others....the bottom, down in the slumps where you either sit there and regret it your entire life you never actually bust the ass to obtain your "reality".

the idea of being love by those who i know cant love me truly like i want to be love consumes me entirely where i forget about the life im living in itself. the life i picture for myself ( and yes my kids as well for those of you who acutally thought i wouldnt picture a life without my bootoo, hot ness, and Jilee) that life i picture does come with someone who actually loves me like ive always preached. i always swapped between one or the other because of negatives or defaults that may have had....or push them away on purpose so i wouldnt have to be the bad guy, and in reality, my reality, i wanted them to be like the previous one. or the next one so jumping from one to another, hoping they would take from the last to be better than the last is only a fragment of my imagnation playing tricks on me. lying to myself to make my reality seem livable with in reality, its not. thus the cycle begins and repeats....jump to this one....oh you wanna be loved forever and be happy.....but cant keep me focused on us. then the next one, oh you always had bad boyfriends and just want someone to understand you, but yet you dont take the time to actually understand who i am or what we actually have to be a couple.....these days people say, "50/50" and yet i laugh my ass off cause these ignorant fools dont understand that it has to be 100/100. hell you can even say 150/150 if you want. if you are those type of highly expectation folks......why would anyone want 50% of what someone has to offer? tell me how that math even makes fucking sense.....tell me how someone is suppose to stay in a relationship or be with someone who they give more than the other? cant do that math because its impossible. actually not impossible, possible just fucking retarded lmao. whoever decides that is only harming themselves and the other person. so lets do that math now 50/50....breaks even with 50 cross the board. so she gets 50 and you get 50. not the full 100...so would would anyone want that?.....meaning you both get nothing in the end with that analogy. 100/50? left with 50.....and ill let you be the guess on whose left with the 50%.....cause if you guessed the person only giving half...you seriously need to go back to 3rd grade and learn the basic fundenmentals of math lmao....ok 100/100? you get her all and she gets your all....that works. definitely can see that working. would have to second guess your love or hers. probably would have time to even think about whats wrong or what could go wrong because you would be in the reality you just fucking made? and the funny part, she would be right there with you!!! lmao making sense now? the 150/150 is for those selected few who are over acheivers and know how to actually give 150% of who they are. think about it.....how could someone give 150% of themselves to another? and no not tissue or blood you fucks.