#not feeling that way now. am feeling dread bc i have to teach a class Monday 🙃 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

larytello · 6 months

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I don't see enough people (none at all) talking about these specific "the challenge of sleeping when it's way too hot" issues: People with sensory issues and people with physical "I have no control over it" issues.

Let me explain bc this is what's happening to me these last nights and it's making me exhausted all day long simply because I seem to NOT HAVE A SINGLE GOOD NIGHT OF SLEEP as of lately with all this heat. Under "keep reading" because it got a little longer than I expected.

1- I'm not sure if this should be counted as a sensory issue bc neurotypicals around me often invalidate it, but I don't sleep well if I'm not covered. Like, I don't feel safe, my brain just absolutely REFUSES to relax to allow me to rest. I need a cover, a blanket, no matter if it's big/heavy/fluffy or just the thinnest bedsheet ever - I just need something OVER me in order to feel ok enough to sleep comfortably. And this is a big issue™ when it's way too fucking hot at night and you can't cover yourself without melting in a sweat puddle sticking to your bed in a matter of a few minutes.

"Well, if it's so hot, you can turn on the fan or an AC if you got one!" Aaaaaand that's where we get into issue #2

2- Everytime I fall asleep, since forever, both my eyes and my mouth hang open. Really. My eyes stay half open when I sleep and I spend ALL FUCKING NIGHT not blinking as much as I should - they shouldn't even stay open when I sleep at all so there's that too. It's a wonder how I still don't need glasses and my sight is still somewhat perfect tbh. And of course there's nothing I can do about it. I'm asleep for fucks sake.

But then again, what happens when you have a fan or an AC on you while you sleep with eyes and mouth hanging open and you can't consciously keep them fucking shut as they should? They DRY. THEY FUCKING DRY. I wake up with eyes and throat stinging, dry saliva on the corners of my lips actively hurting them because when I move my lips upon waking up, they crack the skin and it HURTS as a bitch. I need to blink for several minutes, sometimes use eyedrops to help with my eyes, they hurt a lot too. And I hate the sensation of those eyedrops. They "taste" bad in my eyes.

So literally, during tropical summer plus global warming and the weather going crazier EVERY PASSING YEAR, every night is a not funny game of choosing if I keep the fan on and sleep with a cover (which makes me still feel like I'm melting even with the fan on me 🥵), or do I sleep without a cover for the temperature to be tolerable but then my body refuses to relax and I can't sleep well one way or another???? Btw I'm poor, my house doesn't have an AC, but I tried to sleep with an AC at my aunt's several times and I couldn't fucking SPEAK the next day. Which is a damn problem when you're a teacher.

And people wonder why I'm exhausted all day long lately. No wonder, I can't sleep well. Even if the fan is not directed to my head, the wind still goes around in the room and the slightest breeze is enough to dry my eyes when I'm not blinking them BECAUSE I AM ASLEEP.

Not to mention I'm currently STILL the sole provider of income to this house of three since 2019 by selling commissions (and I'm a slow artist at that) and only this year I got a "job" as an English teacher but I'm not paid not even a minimum wage because it's not an "official" job, it's more like internship and I get paid a certain amount for each class I teach in the period. It's nowhere near enough to cover the house bills, food and cleaning supplies (and medicine), I'm now panicking thinking about how Summer didn't even REALLY start yet here in Brazil but I'm already dreading the energy bills to come these next months as we're keeping two fans on in the house at almost all times. Also I don't get paid by the end of December and January because there's no classes to teach in this period. And still gotta wait to finally get paid by the end of February after teaching all month long. Three months without money while the Summer fries us and the bills will skyrocket.

Thank you big corporates who didn't give a fucking shit about global warming warnings in the previous decades, thank you global leaderships who keep doing those beautiful meetings with heartfelt speeches about how we need plans and action to slow down and/or cease the impeding doom but never did anything for real. It's always all words and no action. Guess you never thought you'd live to see the consequences of your lack of actions, huh? There's been a SANDSTORM in the Amazon Rainforest and the rivers are drying out killing animals AND PEOPLE and there hasn't been any rain in the RAINFOREST for over a month. The North and Northeast of South America are dying so hot it's been and it just keeps getting hotter. Two days straight Brasil beats its own record of energy consumption. Congratulations, really, you done fantastically fucked up I can't even think of words to describe it.

I've been awake for two hours and half and my eyes are still stinging.

#Rant #Global Warming #Brasil #Brazil #Sensory issues #Idk how else to tag this #I like summer NOT GLOBAL WARMING

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petscrub · 3 months

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Just a life update Capricorn style

Sorry if this isn’t under the cut i tried :O

For the past like 2 years I��ve been wanting to quit my job so badly LMAO but it’s a good gig and i get paid decent and have time…

But I haven’t been working on my stuff enough, mostly because I usually work 6 days a fucking week… ugh… but I’m trying to start taking Fridays off, because i have a sewing class on Saturdays now!! I’m a little afraid I’m gonna dread it every Saturday bc of exhaustion, but i know this is going to be good for me to learn the basics of sewing and to get good at it. I am excited because i have so many designs of clothing i wanna make and nooo idea how to even get started on them because i don’t know enough at all.

Other than that I’ve really been loving my music lately and i feel like it’s improved soooo much over the past couple years. I’m really proud, honestly! I’ve been vibing with my recent stuff and it actually excites me to hear what I’m gonna make next, u know.

I’ve been looking for ways out of my job because i want to just CREATE and have fun all the time and be doing what i loveeee ugh. I’m thinking once i am a better seamstress i can start selling my clothing and accessories under my fallen scrub brand. I really do have such a vision for it it’s just about bringing it to life. And i honestly cannot wait for that!! I’m just so so tired all the damn time… it’s awful. I need to be at home working so badly, and hopefully taking the time off on Fridays will help. Working over time and still having to come home to work on my art has been way too difficult to keep up with…

I’m hoping to sell my stuff at a pretty reasonably high price, just because its gonna be independent designer stuff plus one a kind u know… and i am really taking inspiration from the independent brand mad morpho… i find their stuff to be so amazing and in the realm of what i wanna create.

My dream right now is to just be making clothes all the time as my full time job and shipping them and branding them ugh it sounds soooo fun. And then after work I’ll just be doing my music and learning guitar. And speaking of guitar!! I’ve been practicing again, and really wanna be doing it regularly. It’ll be easier once i have more time. I get home from work and just wanna sleep :/ but I’ve been teaching myself so much lately and I’m proud of what I’ve learned, i just need to be consistent. Anyway.

That’s the update lol i needed to type it up somewhere.

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astrxlis-archive · 2 years

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Message #2 but you can answer any message in any order of course 🥰

The teacher issue wasn't really solved but he was replaced for this one subject already. He still handles the Main one crucial to our education so... Idk 😆😭 I literally don't even care to listen to his class because Why is he like That (he's very confusing and i cannot Learn)...

Woaaa goodluck on looking back to your college content!! (人´ω`*)♡ so insane how professional doctors were able to retain soo much info learned in college. Omg bass and keyboard! That is so very cool😳, i would like to learn music too (<- ambitious, and is bad at it)

IRL is so insane for me, i'm literally like a loner so social media is one medium for me to earn friends atleast(<- doesnt talk to anyone even on socmed) 🤣 i wanna make lots of friends but i obviously can't keep them all and tend to them consistently #introvert. I was one click away from making a blog but then the problem— the username... *Sweats* Interactions -> sharing thoughts comfortably is such a smart concept Fox! Didn't thought of that 😚

My... Creative projects as you described it isn't really any project that you expect😆 just fanarts here and there! <3

Your day that day is really productive already!! (to me, atleast) (๑•̀∀•́ฅ ✧ BUT LIGHTNING *INFRONT* of your house.... 😳 that's so scary! i wanna know what flavor is the cake 👀 please do tell~ i'm very hungry right now but i'll just probably sleep through this (ineffective). i drink water regularly (cant be dehydrated, nuh uh) not the 8 glasses thingy but still a nice amount! how are you today? :D

I did the lost seelie! I picked dayflower (blue) ( ^ω^ ) i really dont wanna pick the pink (not my type/too neon bright) 😅 what about you? Which color did you get? :o Nothing serious really happened! (But maybe it is for an introvert lol) I just didn't have the energy to socialize~ but i was lurking in tumblr to reblog cute carrd pngs or nice images ☺️

Have you tried fishing in Sumeru yet? Do you have a favorite fish? I personally like the Peach of the Deep Waves (only to be fished from the mawtiyama forest mushroom pool!) 🐟 I'm curious how adhd testing would go for you ! You dont need to tell the results if that's your preference ♥

— 🍰.

i feel like you should know my brain compels me to reply in order jfndknd 😅

i... am so sorry. really. i kinda wanna look at the silver lining of "oh, he's out of one at least!" but it still sucks considering the weight of the subject he still teaches. good luck 😭

thank you, i'll do my best 🥲 we review a lot. all the time. at some point the information has to stick lol i have experimental classes booked for next week, so hopefully i'll enjoy them. i used to play bass back in 2011/12 but i don't remember anything. have you tried any instruments?? or singing, maybe?

honestly the way you described your irl is a lot like mine lol #introvert, can absolutely relate. the dreaded username 😂 and even if it's just fanart, it's still a project!! and still cool!!! 💕

the lightning was both funny and scary – our porch light is still out, but the rest was normalized in the morning. i was going upstairs and met my dog halfway bc she got scared 😭😭😭 she kept following me and even camped in front of every door i went through until i went to bed, since she sleeps in my bedroom with me. the cake flavors were chocolate and fubá (apparently it's cornmeal in english?)! very tasty in my opinion uwu also!! don't go to bed hungry >:( you should eat!!!

i'm doing my best, honestly. that's all i can really say. thank you for asking 💕

ahhh, the blue seelie is really cute!! i was torn between that, yellow or green, and ended up getting green. it fits quite nicely with xiao hehe~ i can respect that; taking time for yourself is important.

i haven't yet! actually i've been ignoring the fishing mechanic for a while now loooool the same way i ignore my teapot..... i guess i'll google what fish that is 😅 i'll let you know when i get tested! i'm talking to my psychiatrist about that on friday, and i guess we'll go from there :3c

#—new mail !#—the burrow's 🍰#be ambitious!! don't give up!!!!!#'you should eat!' i say replying to this three hours later #i don't think xiao is ever coming off my team #like ever.#the day that happens is the day i build someone that does more dmg than him #edit: i googled it and my first thought was 'PINK PUFFERFISH!!!!' so needless to say i think it's very cute lol

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pissed-off-dirty-hippy-punk · 3 years

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Sharpener + ruled paper for the stationery asks 🖤

Thank you!

Sharpener: do you collect anything?

Not like purposefully, but yes. Like I don't actively seek out things to add to my collection just bc, but if I really like it I'll get multiple. But to answer the question, I have a collection of converse chucks, books, fountain pens, headphones/speakers, and rings (I'm like a goblin for a nice ring with its own attitude).

Ruled paper: what is your study method?

It depends on the subject. For maths and physics it's literally just practice, practice, practice. I am the student who will ask for more practice problems and examples out the ass. Math was never my strong suit -I actually had to start in remedial math classes in undergrad bc my high school did not prepare me at all for uni, so I am only now getting confidence in that area.

For chemistry and biology I usually listen to and actively transcribe every single lecture multiple times (atleast twice). For some, this is a very time consuming way to study -it is- but the higher you go in bio/chem the more nuanced and interdisciplinary the material gets so - for me- I can't just list definitions and read the book and get it. I have to see the trends and figures and pathways in order to make it concrete in my mind.

I am a talker and I love getting to know people and joke, so unless I am desperate for a grain of understanding I actually don't usually do study groups because I get too distracted!!

This isn't so much a 'method' and more of a tip, but make learning fun!! It makes studying something you look forward to and you will retain more. I will never forget when I was in Latin in hs and learned that the word "learn" stems from the word "ludus" which literally means "game". This is because in ancient Rome warriors learned how to fight from playing games.

I beleive it was Richard Feynman who said "it is always best to teach in such a way that the student does not realize they are learning until it's too late" i.e. make learning fun damnit! Make it entertaining! Romanticize it!

There are days where I feel like I just can't shove anything in my head bc it is just not stimulating enough (I'm looking at you ADHD) so I pretend I'm doing something fun. If I am studying biochemistry or designing an experiment, sometimes I'll light insence and pretend my notebooks are my precious grimmoirs that I annotate with meticulous care so my next generation can understand my magic (nice stationary and notebooks really sells this to my brain). If I'm studying physics, sometimes I'll pretend I'm the scientist in the bad movie who has to quickly do back-of-the-napkin calculations to save the world from the thing threatening extinction^tm. Light candles, wear your favorite outfit, study outside, do yoga and hold poses as you memorize equations. Mary Poppins had it right when she said a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down! Learning is a a right and a joy, don't take it for granted by making it something you dread!

#punkacademic #punk academia #phd diary #stem academia #environmental engineering #women in stem #fountain pen #stem studyblr #microbiology #learning #learning is fun #dark academia #science #studying #study tips #answered #games #chucks

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lavenderlattaes · 4 years

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i love you. | bts

⇒ summary: you said you love him in the most casual way.

⇒ [ idolverse! au ]

⇒ pairing: bts x reader

⇒ word count: 2.6k words (in total)

⇒ genre: fluff

⇒ warnings: i think a few swear words

⇒ note: this was requested ages ago sksks im sorry anon, i was lost on how i should write this bc I’ve never tried writing reactions before and i think it’s supposed to be in bullet(proof)form but I found myself writing it like this lol. and since we’re celebrating mots:7 and i am absolutely LOVING the new tracks rn, here’s the reaction you request years ago he he. I’ll have to add dividers and other stuff for this later on bc it’s too long but im on mobile rn. ANYWAY ENOUGH TALKING,, ignore mistakes bc im a bit of a blind bat and enjoy!＼ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ／

kim seokjin:

You’ve been dating Seokjin for a few months now and you can’t help but fall for him completely. It was hard not to — he made you laugh, he was so selfless, and he fed you with his amazing cooking skills.

The thing is, you haven’t said the three words yet. The three, special words that could — no matter how sweet it may be — either make or break you both.

The boys had just gotten back from recording and you were at their dorms, Jin coming up to you as soon as they entered to plant a gentle kiss to your cheek.

“Hey, love. Let me go wash up then I’ll help you,” he greets, and you smile at him, going back to cleaning the vegetables for dinner.

“Hey, Y/N,” Hoseok greets chirpily and you greet him, as he jumps onto a chair to watch you work.

“How are things with hyung?” He casually starts, placing his head in the palm of his hands as he grins at you. You’re closest to Hoseok, since you grew up with him and he was the one who introduced you to the boys.

“Oh, we’re doing great, he makes me happy,” you admit genuinely and Hoseok smiles. “He makes great food, doesn’t he?” Hoseok asks you and you giggle, nodding.

“Yeah, I love him, he feeds me well,” you sigh happily and Hoseok laughs.

You turn around to grab a bowl from the upper cupboard but groan when you realize you can’t reach it. You’re about to call Hoseok for help when a familiar arm snakes around your waist. You look up and see Jin, a smile on his face as he reaches up to get the bowl for you.

“I love you too, baby.” He replies to your statement earlier, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead.

min yoongi:

Instead of locking himself up in the studio to work on more songs or in his room to sleep, Yoongi found himself sitting on the couch, tuned in to a show where you were currently guesting on.

You were a famous producer and idol as well, and that’s how the two of you met in the first place. You’ve been dating for quite some time now, and you even went public with your relationship just a month back. The public surprisingly took the news very well, and no wars or issues had happened between your fans.

“So, Y/N, you and Yoongi just went public with your relationship last month, right?” The interviewer begins and you nod, sipping on your water bottle, a soft smile on your face.

Yoongi found himself smiling, turning the volume up just a tad bit. “How are things between you and the fans? Any fan wars going on?” You laugh and shake your head. “There’s definitely none of that,” you begin, “our fans are very nice and have even become friends. Most of my fans started listening to BTS’ music — if they didn’t already —” Yoongi chuckles at the comment, “and Yoongi’s fans have popped up in my feed to comment on how much they love my songs.” You finished.

Yoongi’s smile got wider and he made himself more comfortable as the interview went on. “It’s nice to know that everything’s going well for you both.” The interviewer gushes and you giggle, your laugh, making Yoongi blush from his seat on the couch.

You sure have him wrapped around your finger, huh?

“Yeah, I’m sure my fans love him too,” the words slip out from your lips too soon and Yoongi’s eyes widen. It’s the first time you’ve said you love him, and even if it’s indirect, it still makes his heart race.

“And I love you too, Y/N. So much, baby.” Yoongi whispers, his eyes trained on you until the interview ends, a loving smile on his face.

jung hoseok:

You love dancing, just as much as Hoseok does and that’s how you both met. You’ve been going to the same dance academy since you were a kid, and when you were graduated college, you chose to work at your dance academy.

Hoseok somehow found himself inside your dance academy, where he was supposed to teach a master class for the students there for the next three days. At the time, your artistic director was out of the country to be with some of the ballerinas of your academy who were competing. You were left in charge so you had to attend to Hoseok for the entire time. Somehow, the two of you clicked because of your passion for dance and the rest is history.

“Y/N, where’s Hoseok?” One of the little girls in your class tugged on your sweatpants while you were having a break in the middle of their class. It was no secret to the entire academy that you’re dating the “cool and sunshine teacher” they had a few months back. Everyone absolutely adored him, especially the younger kids who wanted to be like him.

“He has practice too, sweetie. Why do you ask?” You crouch down to her height and she sits down cross legged. At the mention of Hoseok, the other kids join in and form a circle around you.

“Isn’t he coming over?” One kid asks, and they all start nodding and talking over the other. You laugh and get them to settle down. “He’s busy, so I’m not sure,” you tell them and they groan.

“I miss Hoseok hyung. He’s so cool, and I love how he teaches class,” one of the younger boys sigh, hands crossed over his chest. You chuckle at the adorable sight, beckoning him over to give you a hug.

“Yeah, me too, bud.” You reply and the kids gasp. “YOU LOVE HOSEOK?!” They start shouting and running around, repeating the same thing over and over. “Y/N loves Hoseok.”

You shrug and stand up, gathering them back to the center of the studio to continue the class. “Come on, kids. Back to class. If you do well, today, maybe we can have Hoseok teach another class soon,” you say, going over to the speaker to play their song.

“I love you too!” A familiar voice shouts from the back and all of you turn around to see the one and only, Jung Hoseok.

kim namjoon:

You didn’t know how you managed to get yourself strapped to an outdoor rollercoaster, but here you were, with a small camera placed in front of your seat to record the entire ride.

“Why are we doing this again?” You choke out, turning to your band member beside you.

She was calm and collected about the entire thing, and she shrugs her shoulders. “Maybe because the fans wanted us to do this for the live?” You throw your head back, dreading the ride that was going to happen shortly.

“Relax, Y/N. You can do this!” Your maknae tells you from the back and you whine. “I’m the leader, why did I let this happen anyway?”

“Again, because the fans wanted us to do this. They’re watching right now, you know.” The eldest member chirps up and you groan as the rest of your members laugh.

“And you guys just had to put me in the front, huh,” you grumble, just as the ride started to move. You squeal, gripping the onto the handles in front of you. Your members let out whoops of cheers and laughter as the car went up.

You could see the buildings from below and the other rides, especially the rides for the kids. Why didn’t you ride that instead? “Y/N, fighting!” Your members cheer as you scream. The car reaches the top and you gulp, bracing yourself for the drop.

You feel the car tip over dangerously and the moment it drops, you throw your fears away and scream as loud as you can. “Kim Namjoon, if I die, you better know how much I love you!” You scream, completely forgetting you’re being filmed in real time and if he was watching, he just heard you say you love him for the very first time. And even if he didn’t, he’d definitely find out about it soon.

Oh, well. It’s true anyway, and you weren’t concerned about that right now. The ride makes another sudden drop but this time it tilted to your side and you let out another scream. “Mom, mom, mom I wanna go home!” You scream and you’re certain you’ll be met with memes the moment you get off the ride.

If you’re somehow still conscious after the ride.

park jimin:

“Y/N, truth or dare?” Jeongguk plops down beside you on the couch and you tear your eyes away from the show you were watching and raise an eyebrow at him.

“What’s this for?” You ask suspiciously. Jeongguk shakes his head innocently, his eyes glancing at his hyung who was sleeping soundly in your lap.

Your hands subconsciously start playing with Jimin’s hair and he cuddles closer to your stomach.

“Come on, truth or dare!” Jeongguk presses and you sigh. “Truth, because Jimin’s sleeping and I don’t want to disturb him.” You give in and Jeongguk grins.

“Okay, let’s play fast talk,” Jeongguk claps his hands excitedly and you choke on your saliva. “I thought we were playing truth or dare?”

“I change my mind. Answer with yes or no,” Jeongguk adjusts himself on the couch, a mischievous smile on his face.

You sigh. “Fine.”

“Are you tired of hyung?”

You glare at him. “No.”

“Is he clingy?”

“Yes, but I love it.”

“Is he adorable?”

“Yes, what’s with these questions Jeon?”

“Don’t ask. Does he make you happy?”

“Yes.”

“Do you love him?”

“Yes.” You stop running your hands through Jimin’s hair when you realize what you said and whip your head to look at Jeongguk. “Y/N, zero. Jeongguk, one.”

You’re about to retort when you’re interrupted. “I love you too,” Jimin mumbles, taking your hand and placing a kiss on your wrist, your cheeks heating up.

“Thanks, Gguk, even though you had to witness us say we love each other for the first time and completely ruin the moment,” Jimin mutters half-asleep.

kim taehyung:

Your eyes scan the comments coming in, looking for a question to answer.

“Where’s Yeontan?” You read. “He’s out with Taehyung right now,” you answer, and your own dog barks up from beside you, making you giggle. You pat your lap and your dog jumps up, appearing in your Vlive as well.

“When’s the next comeback?” You read and laugh, shaking your head. “Can’t tell you that right now, my loves. But expect new music this year,” you wink and your fans go wild in the comments, begging for you to reveal just a little bit more.

“No can do, guys. It’s either I let my love for you prevail or I lose my job,” you say in your most serious tone and your fans start taking back their pleads. Your eyes widen and you wave your hands frantically, giggling at the camera.

“I’m kidding, guys! I’m kidding!” Your dog barks up and you can only assume he’s trying to help you out too.

“Let’s move onto another topic, shall we?” You clear your throat after your laughter dies down and various other questions start filling in.

“Oooh! Yea, let’s play a game!” Your eyes light up and your fans start sending hearts in. “We’ll ask you to list down a number of things in the just twenty seconds,” you read off and grin, nodding.

“Okay, I’ll answer whichever my eyes read first,” you adjust yourself on your chair, stroking your dog’s furry hair as he waggles his tail in content.

“List of things you love,” you read off. “Oh! My family, my dog, my fans, my music, waking up late on my day off, spring, ice cream in the winter,” you pause slightly, and your fans start counting down, making you panic.

5...4...3...2…

“Uh, uh, TAEHYUNG!” You blurt out, just as the number one spams in the comments. For a moment there the comments stop coming in and you’re unsure if the app crashed or your wifi just started to suck.

“THAT’S THE FIRST TIME SHE SAID SHE LOVES TAEHYUNG!” Your eyes land on the comment and everyone starts agreeing.

“Oh, wow, ha ha, look at the time,” your eyes look down to your wrist and you mentally curse to find no watch resting there.

“Bye, guys!” You squeak out and end the live abruptly.

You let out a scream as your cheeks burn with embarrassment. Your dog pokes your hand with his nose and you can only pout at him.

“I’m an idiot, aren’t I?” Your dog stares at you for a moment, before letting out what you assume is a bark of agreement.

jeon jeongguk:

“I have to go on stage now, baby. I’ll see you after our stage, okay? Meet me back here,” Jeongguk kisses your cheek quickly and your cheeks flush, making him giggle.

“Good luck,” you manage to stutter out and he waves cutely, running up to his hyungs who’ve started to head for the stage. Once he turns around the corner, you fan yourself, still not used to his affectionate actions.

“Y/N!” You hear someone call from behind you, and compose yourself before turning around.

You’re met with a camera and some crew, and you assume they’re doing some backstage interview for tonight’s show.

“Hey!” You wave your hand and send hearts toward the camera, knowing how much your fans loved it when you did that.

“How was your stage, tonight?” One of the crew asks and you look up in thought before flashing a bright smile at the camera.

“I had lots of fun, especially because I saw so many of my fans in the crowd today. You guys were especially loud, I hope you didn’t go deaf or something,” you giggle and the crew laugh along with you.

“It must have been tiring, yeah?” They ask and you shrug. “In a sense, yes. But all of that goes away when I see people, not just my fans, enjoying the music I put out for them. I pour my heart into my music so it’s nice to know people appreciate it.” You smile and they nod.

“You love your fans a lot, don’t you?” You nod at the question and they grin. “Who else do you love?” They ask cheekily.

“Oh, that’s easy,” you begin, a surge of confidence coursing through you. You’re sure this is a good enough payback for leaving you flustered earlier.

“Who is it?” They ask innocently and you grin.

“Jeon Jeongguk,” you casually say and the crew whispers excitedly. “Who else would it be anyway?” You add and the crew laughs, nodding.

They ask you to say a few more words about your upcoming album which you happily answer, and they bow in thanks before heading off.

From behind, you can hear the shouts get louder and people congratulating your boyfriend’s group, with special greetings directed towards him.

You turn around and see his confused expression. He sees you and raises an eyebrow and you can only smile back, shrugging as you make your way over to him.

“What was that all about?” He asks after planting a soft kiss to the tip of your nose. You shake your head and grin at him.

“It’s nothing,” you take his hand in yours and you both start walking in the direction you of their dressing room. “Okay,”

He raises an eyebrow at you unsurely.

Oh, he won’t know what’s coming.

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random-mha-thoughts · 4 years

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Night Drives (Shinsou x Reader)

Pairing: Shinsou x Reader

Genre: Fluff/Comfort, College!AU

Summary: You’re having a rough and stressful week, and Shinsou helps by taking you out for a late night trip.

Word count: 1,814

Tags: @yuki-osaki @liviitehe @iamsoftsodonttoucheume-blog @bunnythepipsqueak

a/n: I know I promised angst, but I really wanted to write this little comfort/fluff piece for anyone who might be facing a mid-semester funk/depression like me. I was inspired because I went out to pick my cousin up from the airport late last night and I never realized how therapeutic night driving can be.

I also wasn’t really sure which character I wanted to write for this (bc they would all fit one way or another), but I chose Shinsou bc I haven’t written for him in a hot minute and he deserves some more love.

I hope you guys enjoy it, and I hope it helped some of you and maybe helped cheer you up 😊

I sit at my desk, hands carding through my messy hair. Pouring over my notes is the most stressful thing I could be doing this weekend, I'd rather be sleeping or doing something more relaxing. Weekends before exams are always the hardest because it's when I get my biggest chunk of studying done, so I'm usually holed up in my room the entire day.

It's also times like this when the dark thoughts roll in. I've always been a smart kid, but being in college really makes me question it. Getting low B's and high C's on exams in my major classes don't mean the end of the world, but I rethink who I think I am because of it. I still get A's in my other bullshit classes, so why am I struggling in the classes that are supposed to teach me the skills I need for my future career? Should I rethink my future? Do I even want to go into my chosen field anymore? Am I making a huge mistake being here? I'm wasting my entire scholarship money if I decide to start over from scratch. My fingers close in on my scalp.

"Kitty?"

The warmth in his voice jolts my head up. "Oh, hey." I straighten my back, not even realizing how hunched over my back was.

Shinsou's eyebrows are furrowed at me. "Are you okay?" His large thumb brushes over the wetness clinging at the corners of my eyes. "You're crying."

I tug at the sleeves of my hoodie. "Yeah, I'm fine."

He studies my face carefully, his own dark circles standing out against his pale skin. He knows how I get when I'm in this mode, staying respectful of my study habits. Since I don't come out of my room, he'll let himself in and stay in my bed, reading, sleeping, doing his own studying, or watching something on his laptop until I'm finished. Just a few moments ago when I peaked over my shoulder to see what he was doing, he'd fallen asleep with his headphones on, lightly snoring. He doesn't bother me. It's something I appreciate about him.

Shinsou crosses his arms over his chest. "When was the last time you ate?"

My stomach admittedly feels empty. I've only been snacking when I felt hungry. Looking at the clock, it's almost midnight. "Since breakfast," I answer feebly.

A sigh escapes his lips. "Are you finished now? You've been like this all day."

I cast a dreadful look over the pages of notes. There's still a few chapters I need to look over, but my brain feels that it might explode if I try to cram anymore information in. The worst part is I don't even feel like I've retained anything I've read in the past few hours. I start closing my books. "Yeah, I'm done." And utterly defeated.

Shinsou gently takes my hand in his, calling my attention to him. "Come on, go wash your face and change. We're gonna go eat."

He leaves me to go to his room and fetch his wallet. Trudging into the bathroom and following his instructions, I wash my face to wake myself up, change into some jeans, and pull on a hoodie that's more presentable for going out into the world.

Shinsou returns, changed into a pair of jeans, hoodie, and denim jacket, and we head out of our dorm building. The air isn't as cold as I thought, but it was just as deserted. The scattered lamp posts across the pavement are the only illuminations in the parking lot. I walk with my hands in my pockets and my hood up.

How the hell am I gonna learn everything by Tuesday? I despair. I hate how I always end up thinking about work even when I don't want to.

Shinsou closes the distance between us and snakes his arm around my torso. "Have you ever considered getting a hoodie with cat ears on them?" he asked casually.

I'm thrown off by his random question, but I have to laugh. "Uh, no? Why would I wear it?"

"So I can pull at the ears, duh."

"You and your cat addiction needs to chill." I want to shove him away, but his warmth feels great to touch. "Where are we going?"

"Noodles?" he offers. "It's been getting pretty cold."

"Is it wrong that I want something...filling right now. And no, get your mind out of the gutter!" I shove Shinsou before he can say anything.

"I wasn't even thinking it, who actually has the dirty mind, hm?" He pokes the side of my head.

After I'm done pouting at him, I suggest, "Do you think there's a tempura place open around here? Actually, I just really want fries and something else."

"Anything else, your royal highness?" he smirks and unlocks his car.

"Mmm," I hum as I settle into his passenger seat. "A pet dragon would be nice too. Or full payment on my college education."

Shinsou chuckles at my sarcasm. "Anything for you, kitty." Holding my hand, he kisses my palm before starting the engine.

As he drives down the abandoned road, I lean my head against the window, staring out the windshield. The sky's already black, but there's too much light and the car's moving too fast to count the stars. Something about the emptiness of everything at night calms me down. It almost feels like Shinsou and I are the only 2 people in the world at this hour. Even the parking lot of the fast food joint down the block is deserted.

"I'll get it to go so we can eat in here, what do you want?" my purple haired prince asks me sweetly, unbuckling his seatbelt.

"10 piece nuggets and medium fries. And a diet soda, I'm watching my calories." I whisper the last part.

"Coming right up."

"Are you sure it's okay to eat in your car?" I ask, tentatively opening the paper bag of food goodness. I didn't realize how hungry I was until the smell of high calorie fast food wafts in front of my nose.

Shinsou's eyes are on the road as he drives down the roadway. "Yeah I don't care, it's not like my car's new or anything."

I dip into the bag and grab my box of nuggets. A smile graces my face when I notice he remembered the sweet and sour sauce. "Why are you so good to me?"

"Because you're my kitty and I love you," he answers without missing a beat, his large hand messing up my hair.

A familiar fuzzy warmth fills me as I lean into his touch. Digging into my nuggets, I end up completely demolishing them, the hole in my stomach finally filling at the process meat. I don't care how old I get, I will always have chicken nuggets at fast food restaurants. Every once in a while, Shinsou would ask for one of my fries, and I'd happily feed him.

I have no idea where we're going; for some reason, we're on the highway. I just quietly finish my meal and sip my drink.

Shinou's eyes glint with mischief. "Since we're alone on the highway..."

My eyes widen. "Babe, no-!"

The engine revs to life under my boyfriend's lead foot and the car jolts forward. I clutch my fries and almost choke on my soda as we speed down the highway. The biggest grin spreads across his face.

"Hitoshi, I'm not ready to die!"

He takes his foot off the gas and the car relaxes, as does my heart. But he knows how much I secretly love it when he does that. "At least wait until I'm not about to choke before you do that!"

Laughing at me, he passes me his phone. "Play whatever you want, kitty."

Oh, it's over now.

I select a playlist of hype songs we both love, belting out the lyrics from the top of our lungs as Shinsou speeds down the highway. A mess of screams, laughter, loud music, and singing fill the entire space as we zip past all the lights on the highway. It reminds of what it might feel like rocketing through space. The pit of my stomach feels weightless from the excitement and the speeding car.

Are we crazy? Maybe. Did I savor every second of it? Absolutely.

Shinsou finally slows down and exits down a beach. Pulling into an empty space, he parks the car and gets out, waving for me to follow him. We end up sitting on the hood of his car, eating our food under a blanket he keeps in his car. A nearby streetlight dimly illuminates our dark space.

I snuggle Shinsou's left arm and look out into the dark expanse. I can finally count the stars, between stealing bites from Shinsou's burger. Clutching my end of the blanket over me, I lay my head on his shoulder. "It's so strange sitting on the hood of a car."

"Guess you've never done it before," he replies quietly, balling up his empty wrapper and placing it back in the bag. Both arms wrap around me, resting his head on top of mine. "I used to come here when I wanted to clear my mind. There's just a whole lot of nothing and silence."

I can't agree more. The darkness - the absence of light - makes everything seem quiet and empty. Something about it feels liberating, letting all my emotions flow out in front of me freely and let me just be. A breathe in and let it rattle out of me. The endless void surrounds us, isolates us, encloses us so our thoughts can't bother us.

Shinsou brings me closer, letting me sit halfway on his lap, placing a gentle kiss on my temple. "Are you feeling better, kitty? I know you're pretty stressed, more so than your usual anxious self. I figured bringing you out here would help somewhat."

My heart swells with warmth. I hug him tighter and close my eyes, leaning my head to his chest. "Thank you, Hitoshi. You've done a lot for me, I really appreciate it. You really went out of your way for me."

"Nothing's out of my way for you." His large hand rubs my scalp. "You work so hard, you deserve this."

I snuggle deeper into his chest, my eyes slowly closing as the rhythm of his heartbeat calms me. "What did I do to deserve you?" I mumble.

"Well, maybe you saved an entire country," he jokes, pressing another kiss into the top of my head and running his fingers lightly on the back of my head, "But I think you just being perfect deserves all the happiness I can give you."

"You're too sweet." I drift off to a light sleep in his arms, surrounded by his warmth, choosing to think about life some other time.

#Shinsou x reader #shinsou hitoshi #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #college!AU #shinsou fluff #shinsou imagine #shinsou scenario #gender neutral reader #mha shinsou #bnha shinsou #mha x reader #bnha x reader #mha fanfiction #bnha fanfiction

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glassandmetalwings · 3 years

Text

Gonna just vent a little about adult things. Specifically jobs. Sorry for any weird typos bc I seem to get a lot on the tablet.

I'm just... thinking about how lucky I am to have my art center job. Want started as volunteer TA as an excuse to hang out with my mentor became paid TA became teaching, and the teaching alone I've been doing for nearly 10 summers now. Not even with an education degree, it even a degree at all.

This is the place that, when I came back from college the first time and went to visit my mentor at work and ran into my boss, I mentioned for them to give me a call if they needed a hand, and they actually did! They found work for me to do! They let me help with the little kids at class twice a week during the school year, then had me setting up workshops for school groups, then had me teaching school groups. They'd give me tasks like making costumes for a play box or putting together thank you gifts for our children's theater accessibility week. Heck, when we were getting ready to open our digital lab, they payed me to sit in there unsupervised on my laptop while the 3d printers made goodies, with my only job being to stop the printers if something messed up and, when they were done with a batch of goodies, pry them off and run the program again. I did this for like 6 hours a party for a week, and they payed me for it.

Earlier this year, I got an email from my boss. She had a grad student who contacted her, who needed to do an interview with an art education program, and she asked if I would do it. When I mentioned that I didn't feel I was the best suited, since I don't have an art or education degree, she said she wanted (but didn't intend to pressure me) to do it because I grew up at the center. I've been taking classes there since 2000. She thought I would be the best at representing our methods and values, and placed that experience over and formal education background.

My boss pushes for raises for the education staff every year, and this year she specifically pushed to get me a raise because I was the only teacher to continue teaching the entire time in-person camps were shut down, and among the first back to in-person teaching.

The staff is there for me when I need help. I wasn't diagnosed as autistic until I was an adult, and it's never really come up as a topic, but I can safely say 'I almost had a shutdown yesterday' and the only questions are what they can do to help, and then telling me to radio it I need to step out for a few minutes. We toss around problems and ideas and work as a team to find solutions, because there's no one-size-fits-all answer with kids. I don't feel judged.

I cherish my co-workers so much. I miss the ones who have moved away, the one that passed on a few years ago. I get so happy watching the kids grow up and feel so lucky and special when they take my camps again. Being able to talk about a fellow student who became a TA who's now a webcomic artist. Words cannot express the pride and how blessed I feel seeing two TAs (who might be reading this) that I've known forever (one I met before I was even a TA, and he later became my student, one started as my student) both going to art school now, and I GET TO WORK WITH THEM. I'M SO LUCKY. THEY'RE MY FAVORITES.

Yeah, some weeks suck. Sometimes I get students that make me dread going into work. But the good vastly outweighs the bad. There are so many memories I hold dear.

And it challenges me to keep working on art. Like, I've fallen a lot over the years. I'm not trying to bring myself down when I say I'm nowhere near the artist I used to be. But I have to keep plugging at it, because I want to be a good example to my kids and I want to have good examples and knowledge to share with them.

But every year...I get closer and closer to this awful ultimatum I'm going to have to make.

It's no secret I hate my retail job. I like the people, but it's just not the right place for me, and the way business operates makes me feel unwanted and unencouraged to grow. The hours fluctuate between constant and nothing for literal weeks. Once summer is over I'm going to start looking for something more stable and less emotionally draining (I don't intend to quit until after I've found a new job, otherwise I worry I won't look because I'm 'recovering').

But I don't know where to go. I need somewhere accommodating, with consistent hours and ideally benefits. But, if I find that job, the one that let's me support myself and maybe have a future... what are the chances they'll give me summer off to go teach?

And before anyone says go be a teacher (get summer off!)...I don't have the stamina for that. I just don't. That's too many kids, too constant. I'd get overwhelmed so fast, if I even got hired in the first place.

It feels like that one line from Dreamin' Sun about how adults can't have dreams. One of these years, probably soon, I'm going to have to stop working at the art center.

And that breaks me.

#wings does things #wings hates life

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whentherewerebicycles · 4 years

Note

Hey! Obviously feel free to ignore this if you don’t have the time or energy for it, but do you have any advice for handling criticism in class? I’m in a language class this semester where I’m likely to be the only student in class a decent amount of the time (the only other person enrolled is auditing), and having a class that's a little over an hour long where I’m just translating out loud and having my mistakes pointed out/corrected is, as it turns out, a lot to handle. (1/4)

I’ve found myself having trouble doing my homework because I’m dreading the professor’s comments in class if I get something wrong or admit to being uncertain. It also doesn’t help that she asks me pointed questions to lead me to the right answer rather than just telling me (which I absolutely understand as a pedagogical choice, but it’s more intense in a way that’s unpleasant in this context). (2/4)

I can handle all of those things in a normal class, when the focus isn’t on me the entire time, but right now it’s too much (and I know objectively it’s fine and expected that I’ll make some mistakes because that’s how learning works). I’ve been working on taking constructive criticism and being less of a perfectionist for years, but I kind of need to find a way to speed up that process or a way to cope in the short term if I’m going to get through this semester. (3/4)

Thanks in advance for anything you can come up with (I know it's a weird situation and mostly tied up in my personal issues, and I'm sure it's hard for my professor too to find a productive way to run a class that's supposed to be discussion based when it's not possible to have a discussion), and I hope you're doing well! (4/4)

ohhh god this is so tough. first of all, it sounds like a bit of a nightmare - big seminar classes can be socially stressful in different ways but i personally always found it so nervewracking to be in really tiny classes where there was so much attention on you always and nowhere to hide! and your situation sounds like an even more intensified version of that. so like, all of those feelings you are describing feel VERY real!!

here are some thoughts. i know nothing about the professor so you would have a much better read on this than i do -- but i can imagine that if i were in that position as an instructor i would probably be panicking a bit, because it’s such an unusual and not-ideal teaching situation and it’s probably not something she’s used to navigating. it sounds like she is still trying to run it like a class (the familiar version for her) when the reality of the class is more like a one-on-one tutoring situation? which yeah i can imagine must feel REALLY intense and not-great from your end.

(MUCH) MORE BEHIND THE CUT!

i’m also wondering about like.. is she a full professor / slightly older or a grad instructor/postdoc? because sometimes idk the very pointed questioning approach and the inability to adjust to what’s obviously an uncomfortable new situation can be a grad student/inexperienced teacher thing. like you wind up trying to seem more confident or more pointed to conceal your own insecurities or uncertainty about what teaching is supposed to look like in this environment you didn’t practice in. if she is older then idk maybe she’s just not a great teacher, lol. or if it’s over zoom, maybe she’s struggling to read the nonverbal cues that signal student discomfort or dread bc of the screens. and idk if this is a dead language you are studying or a living language but if she’s not a native english speaker there might just be some nuances of like, tone or expression that don’t translate as well. i feel like in the past i’ve had non-native English speaker students who are fully fluent but whose affect just felt very brusque to me at first (i am sure mine also felt VERY bewildering and difficult to read for them too), but it eventually became clear that it was just like, a mismatch of cultural/linguistic communication styles. again, no idea if that applies to your situation or not!

i guess what i’d recommend depends on your sense of her age, personality, openness to feedback, etc. if i were the teacher, i would really, really appreciate having the student share what they’re feeling, even just a tiny bit of it. i think it would help me break out of my own nerves around the situation and start thinking about what the class feels like from their perspective, which would help me move beyond just being trapped in that state of ‘this is so awkward this is so awkward help this is so awful.’ plus it might help break the ice a little and help you both feel a bit more relaxed with each other?

you could do this in writing, or you could approach her in a neutral setting, like in office hours or a private meeting. and obviously, i think you can do it in a way that doesn’t come off as critical of her teaching style (even if it maybe leaves something to be desired). if it were me, i would start with something positive about the setup - ideally something that feels genuine-ish even if not uh totaly true lol, like, “i really appreciate the opportunity to learn a language with so much support, and i’m hoping that i can make a lot of progress this semester with your help” or something like that. and then i think i would TAKE THE RISK of being just a little bit vulnerable and open with her. you could maybe say something like, “i tend to put a lot of pressure on myself to do well, and i can be pretty hard on myself when i make mistakes. usually in a larger class it’s easier to take a break and ease up on myself, or to remind myself that other people are learning too, but when it’s just one-on-one, i’m finding that i’m getting really nervous / making more mistakes than i usually would / being harder on myself than usual.”

i also think that, one thing i find really helpful, is to enlist the other person in finding a solution instead of saying “and this is what i want you to do” or “this is what i want you to stop doing.” trying to think about what that might look like here... like, maybe you could ask her if she has any thoughts on how to kinda mentally reframe the situation for yourself? or you could ask her if you could talk through some ideas with her for working through your nervousness/tendency to self-criticize, and to see if she has feedback or has her own ideas. maybe you could also slip in that like, you want to be able to practice conversations too (assuming it’s not a dead language lol), and you’re wondering if that’s something you could try together sometimes - since it sounds like just translating and having to find your own errors is maybe not the best way to get really comfortable using the language?

there’s a chance that she will not really grasp what you’re trying to do, or will not be especially receptive to it -- and if that’s the case, it will suck, but it probably will not in the long run make things significantly more awkward (given how awkward and stressful the situation seems already!). but there’s also a chance that she just genuinely doesn’t know how you feel, or feels frozen in those really rigid professor/student roles and isn’t comfortable initiating a more relaxed classroom environment herself. in that case, taking a little bit of a risk and letting her glimpse your own inner life/emotional state might wind up making a really big difference - or at least like, it might start a conversation that you could continue to build on over the course of the semester.

another small way that you might begin to shift the dynamic of the class is to come with some questions or ideas of your own, either in class or in office hours - not like, grammar questions that she will ask you pointed questions to lead you to the correct answer, but questions about the culture, or about her own research/work, or about some aspect of something you’ve been reading related to the language. asking those questions and then maybe like, drawing her out by asking follow-up questions and engaging in a conversation with her about it could be one way of sort of breaking out of that rigid pattern the class seems to have fallen into. and it might also be another way of sort of sneakily giving her a glimpse into your inner life and helping her see you not just as a student whose errors need to be corrected but as a person who has interests and thoughts and feelings of your own. at the very least, it could buy you some time and a little bit of an emotional reprieve from the hour of translating and having your errors corrected!

lastly: one thing i often advise students to do when they are in a difficult or intimidating class is to set one small personal or interpersonal goal per week -- just one tiny thing they’re going to try to do to shift their perception of the class or change their experience a little bit or establish a different kind of connection with a peer or the professor. i suggest doing this not because i think it’s the student’s responsibility to singlehandedly change the culture of a learning environment (it’s not) -- but because setting little concrete goals and achieving them can boost our own sense of confidence and agency in a learning environment where we might otherwise feel totally helpless or at the mercy of the instructor. it’s just a way of shifting your understanding of what you’re doing from “i’m just coping” or “i’m just surviving/enduring” to more of a, “i’m creatively finding a way to make this experience useful/better for myself” mentality. also i find that the goal-setting thing can also feel playful, in a way -- a little secret mission you’re undertaking! and it also gives you something to focus on that isn’t just fixating on how unpleasant that hour is or how much you’re dreading the next class.

so like, maybe one goal could be to ask her a small talk type question about her own life -- and then ask a follow-up question to see if she’ll share a little more. or you could resolve to share one piece of personal information about your life outside the classroom, as part of that larger goal of helping her see you as a whole person. or you could resolve that in one of those pointed questioning sessions, instead of just letting her guide you to the right answer, you could turn the question back on her or ask her to talk you through it in a different way -- “I think it’s this, but I’m actually wondering, why is that? i keep getting x and y mixed up, and i’m wondering if it’s because...” like, see if you can think about the kind of pedagogical experience you’d rather be having in this class, and then look for tiny creative little ways to nudge her towards it.

i also think that, if you want to get real sneaky about it, you could use basic positive reinforcement to signal to her when she does a teaching thing you really appreciate. this is the most secret mission-y of all haha because you’re basically seeing if you can condition her into teaching in a way that feels better/more useful for you. body language and nonverbal cues like smiling, leaning forward, nodding, looking attentive, etc., can be a good way of doing that (esp if you are usually a little more disengaged bc you are busy experiencing your own inner dread!!). and then you could gradually ramp it up -- for instance, you could make a point of really earnestly thanking her for something, in class or in a follow-up email after (being as specific as possible about what you appreciated and why). or if you get her talking about something related to culture or literature or whatever, you could send her something you found that reminded you of that conversation, to show that you are listening to the things she’s said and are engaged/curious about them. humans are social creatures and most of us (not all!) are pretty hyper-attuned to that kind of positive social feedback, even just at an unconscious level. so getting those cues is probably going to be helpful to her as a teacher, and will also make her feel better too, and might eventually help her sort of warm up/relax a bit in a way that is conducive to a better teaching/learning experience.

(this is basically like when you think you’re training your dog to do something, and then one day you wake up and realize that your dog has 100% trained you to do exactly the thing they want, exactly when they want it, and they were just letting you think that you were the one calling the shots lol. be the dog!)

i have no idea if any of this will be helpful, but i hope that it will at least spark some ideas for you for ways of approaching this class! good luck -- YOU GOT THIS!!!! -- and i would really love to hear how it goes or what ends up working for you.

#teaching #god i am SO sorry this is so long #i did not mean to inflict a five-page essay on you and god bless you if you read the whole thing #i think i hit my stride midway through so yknow skim a bit

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roseamongroses · 4 years

Text

Antithesis: “what do you have? “ I have a kNIFE” “NO”

[Specific-Summary]: They should expect growing pains. For not everything to feel right or make sense. That doesn't mean it'll always hurt, nor does it mean they can't have fun along the way. It's senior year. Everything may be different. It won't be senior year for long. Everything will be okay.

[General Warnings]: Implied Emotional Abuse, Implied Physical Abuse, Bad Parents are Bad Parents, Mild Sexual Content/jokes,Mentioned Homophobia, Mentions of underage drinking (backround), Some Catcalling,Cursing , Self Hate,implied pregnancy talk/inability to become pregnant, adults arguing where the “kid” can hear it, adults drinking,

[Tags/mood:] highschool au, fluff and angst but its all good, chat fic, teen stress, its flordia no snow we die like men [Pairing:] Roceit (Roman Sanders/ Deceit Sanders), hinted future/possible logince/roloceit/loceit [Characters]Roman Sanders/Deceit (Dmitri) Sanders, Virgil Sanders, Logan Sanders, Patton Sanders, Remy (Sleep) Sanders, Nate Sanders, Dragon Witch (Diana) Remus “The Duke” Sanders (minor/brief)

(Ao3) (Previously)

(8) (9) (10) (11) (12) (13) (14) (15)

(16) (17) (18)

L: I May Have Lost Roman

V: nice

P: not nice :)

V: i feel vaguely threatened

Rem:@L how the fuck did you manage that Rem: nvm i know how just give me details

L:I don’t know ? One second we were at check out L: Next minute he was Gone and Nieve is looking suspicious

L:Hold on lemme ask Dmitri

V: why is he there

L: I mean he’s actually pretty chill L: But he dropped Roman off and Nieve got attached L:I’m...not sure if she’s planning on letting him go?

V:logan, my friend, my buddy, V:the only person in this chat with basic reading comprehension

Rem: that’s pretty fair

P: it really is tbh

V: Send. Pictures.

L: Okay L: Slight Issue

V: you lost the snake too

L: I lost Dmitri too and Nieve is not spilling

Rem: oh they’re defeinately fucking

L:...Where? The bathroom?

Rem: Don’t knock it till you try it ;)

V: not to be that guy but im vetoing this discussion V: cause thats a Yikes even for you Remy

L: Alright time to find them

Rem: check ;))) the;))) bathrooms ;;))))

L: Remy.

Rem: alrighlright too far ill stop

L: Thank you.

V: keep me updated V: i only have silence and physics homework as company

L:Huh L:Found them

L: Roman….found a katanna…

V: im sorry WHAT V: Why The Fuck Does He Have A Sword

Rem: drop the location of that store man

L: 1) It’s a Katanna L: 2)I will certainly Not. L: 3) He’s trying to convince Dmitri why he should have it

L…..and Dmitri looks more amused then concerned

V: if I can't have a tarantula he sure as hell cant have a sword

L:I told him it was probably fake/ poorly made and that he should take the time to invest the proper skill in money in a real one

V: goddamit logan you cant logic roman.

L: It worked. He put it back. L: So I say I can do what I want with roman

Rem: some spicy takes from the chats only brain cell ;)

---

“So you’re turning eighteen, in a few months. ” His aunt said, dabbing her cheeks with a napkin. She still managed to hold an air of prestige despite getting utterly shitfaced the night before. Her appointments have been going well.

Dmitri looked up, masking his surprise and holding his tongue.

Dr. Montag looked over, quieting the running water and placing the dish was he was cleaning down, “Really?” he said, brushing his hands, “You got any plans?” he asked, Dmitri.

“Oh we usually do something small,” His aunt interjected, “But seeing as he’s my father’s favorite grandchild,” Only grandchild, “He’s is flying from Paris to join us. And he was never a man of modesty so I’ve been thinking about doing something special for the occasion.”

Oh.

Dmitri fought the smile creeping on his face, ducking his head. He shouldn’t be surprised that she remembered after all if his grandfather was visiting. It’s how he got his phone, laptop, his car.

It’s probably why she puts up with him, to begin with. Cause it wasn’t guilt.

“--We should get your hair cut,” She continued, and Dmitri snapped out of his thoughts, “Maybe invite Diana--he’d like her,” she murmured.

“Diana and I a-” He closed his mouth, and his aunt’s eyes shot over.

“You broke up?” She narrowed her eyes, examining her nails, “Huh, makes sense seeing as...” she gestured at him vaguely, “So who have you been sneaking around with?”

“I’m not sneaking around with anyone,” Dmitri said, meeting her gaze. And technically he was right, it’s not sneaking if she just hasn’t been asking. And he’s given up on telling.

Dr. Montag’s eyebrows knitted together confused,” Well that isn’t true,”

Dmitri’s eyes went wide, stomach sinking.

His Aunt’s grin spread, “Oh really?”

Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck--

“He’s been helping me out, hon,” Dr. Montag set down a glass of water and pills beside her plate, “You’ve been so stressed lately,” he looked guilty and produced some tickets, “I thought I’d surprise you.”

Her face softened and like that the tension left the room. Those two got to linger in whatever lovey-dovey spell had taken hold of them in the last few months, but Dmitri was still on edge.

She still kept him on edge, but he could get her back. Even the playing field. Anytime he could leave this—Anytime he could flip this switch and put her on edge and make her—

He stopped eating, setting his plate aside.

He felt sick.

---

R:helllloooo R:anyone up R: sigh R: allll by mySELLLLF

L: Roman?

R: the one and lonely yes hello human contact???

L: Are you alright? It’s 3 am why are you still awake?

R: why are YOU up mm????

L: My parents have newborn twins. What’s your excuse?

R: well fuck got me there

R: i was texting dee but he was rlly tired and i stILL can’t sleep

L: Any particular reason?

R: u m

L: Private chat?

R: please

- [TheTruthAboutTheMoon]

TheWalkingMouth: Okay shoot

Cowboy:it's stupid

TheWalkingMouth: I’ll tell you if it's stupid or not just say it

Cowboy: i just….like Cowboy: it's all kinda….hitting me a ll at once and i Really don’t like thinking about it but i cant bottle shit up either like you bastards so i feel like the human equivelent og a washing machine with too much laundry in it

TheWalkingMouth: Then don’t? TheWalkingMouth: Even if it's too ‘stupid’ for me I’m sure Dmitri wouldn’t mind

Cowboy: yeah but i feel like im going to say something shitty to him i Cowboy: like we should talk about it Cowboy: and i will Cowboy: but not now--later when it's not too stressful for either of us

TheWalkingMouth: Why would you say something shitty?

Cowboy: idk id jst get frustrated trying to explain it Cowboy: like hes smart as hell and probbaly get it without me saying anything but like Cowboy: I have neither the patience nor articulation right now to explain like a civil person and he doesnt need me being shitty about it

Cowboy:like,,,,,for example,,,,, if he fucks up in school, he’ll get recommended a tutor and teachers would assume hes doing his best and hes such a sweet and quiet boy

Cowboy: like he is sweet!!but hes a little shit too!! And gets away with it!!! Half those pranks he pulled on virgil, as Iconic as they were he never got in trouble for them!!!

Cowboy: when i fuck up i

Cowboy: god it's stupid

TheWalkingMouth: Might not get a second chance? Yeah I get it.

TheWalkingMouth:Remember when I first transferred here? None of the teachers would take me seriously bc of my accent and if they did, they were afraid of me. I could repeat something another kid said word for word and still be told I had an attitude.

Cowboy: god i remembered that Cowboy: you answered his yes or no questions in a fuckin montone, quiet ass voice and he legit called in the office cause he got scared of a goddamn freshman

Cowboy: But ye when i fuck up Cowboy: im suddenly the lazy ass brown kid who should spend less time corrupting youth with my feminine hips and curls Cowboy: like it's not like a lot of them say it outright but it feels like if im not perfect im fufilling all the stereotypes

TheWalkingMouth: Ah okay, rant away

Cowboy: OK like like like im not like virgil right?? in a lot of ways and it fuckin shows

Cowboy: he’s been planning on going into engineering since sixth grade meanwhile i only got my shit together in highschool

Cowboy: and like now that im here/???what now??? My mother expects me to have my shit together meanwhile im over here freaking the fuck out over whether not it's worth it to even try Cowboy: like yes mother i want to go to an art/or librel arts school that may or may not accept me that we may or may not afford to find a career in who the hell knows because if i have to sit in a healthcare class or a applied mathmatics class like you did i miight actually shank the professor????

Cowboy: that i dread the thought of not trying to explore my options outside of this fucking state but i dread the thought of going bc i cant stand the thought of being away from home but i cant fucking find a reason to stay cause everyone i love is leaving or planning their own life anyway???

Cowboy: like remys gunna fuck off to who knows where regardless of whether or not he has a plans or money, pattons gunna take care of his grandmother whereever the fuck a canada ,moms moving in with tia, virgils already mentally flipping me off ready to fuck nasa , and i only fucking hope dmitri even getss the chance to choose where he goes but hes g o n e and i die from yearning behind a screen like the gay victorian i am , and you….i actually dont know

TheWalkingMouth: Teaching for either biology or physics

Cowboy: huh it fits but what about chemistry??

TheWalkingMouth: Fuck chemistry.

Cowboy: oh thank god we’re on the same page

TheWalkingMouth: Anyway, I assume you’re more worried about whether you should apply rather then if you could get in?

Cowboy: i think so

TheWalkingMouth: Well if my opinion means anything to you

Cowboy: more than you’re assuming but yeah continue

TheWalkinMouth: Wait

Cowboy: nothing nothing continue

TheWalkingMouth: Okay-- I think you should go for it but you don’t need to dive head first into it and commit to everything 100% like virgil did.

TheWalkingMouth: You’re allowed to keep your options open, to have backup plans for back up plans

TheWalkingMouth: It doesn’t mean you’re not passionate about your art. Doesn’t mean you’re inevitably going to get a office job and abandon all your dreams. It means you’re being smart and not backing yourself into a corner

TheWalkingMouth:It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay not to have it all figured out

TheWalkingMouth: Nobody does.

TheWalkingMouth: Even if no one else gives you a second chance at least give yourself a second chance.

TheWalkingMouth: It’s perfectly normal to be afraid to fuck up and get fucked over TheWalkingMouth: That doesn’t mean you will everytime TheWalkingMouth: And it certainly doesn’t mean it's the end

Cowboy:

[...Cowboy is typing…]

---

@daflangstlairde

@ace-anx

@cataclysm-al

#Roman sanders #Deceit Sanders #Roceit #ts sides #sanders sides #sanders sides fanfiction #ts virgil #ts logan #ts remy #Antithesis

2 notes · View notes

femmeveined-a · 5 years

Note

📱 rachel & vic oof

📱( Accepting! )

RACHEL

May 7th, 2010

Rachel sprawled out on her bed, the night’s events turning over in her head as the sun rose over the trees. The concert had been the first time she and Chloe had really gotten close since they called a truce on their dislike of each other. Chloe already knew more about her than the kids at Blackwell, who only knew Rachel as whoever Rachel wanted them to think she was. Running into Chloe at the Old Mill had been completely out of Rachel’s control, and she couldn’t decide if she loved it or hated it. Groping at her sheets for a minute, her fingers grasped her phone, and she looked out the window as she tried to figure out what to say.

4:26 AM: i’m so amped up from last night i can’t sleep. would‘ve hella sucked without you, glad you decided i was cool enough to hang with, finally.

She weighed her options, mouth screwing up into a pucker. She’d flirted with Chloe all night, even over text after they’d parted ways. But she had to mix it up, keep it interesting. Deleting the text in seconds, she opened Instagram, posting the best picture she could find from the previous night, with the caption, “Firewalk with me ;)”

July 24th, 2011

Rachel jumped a mile when her phone vibrated, earning a sidelong glance from Frank. “Is that Chloe? Rachel, she has to know by now. Where did you even tell her you were going today?”

Rachel swiveled the driver’s side chair and jumped up to put Pompidou on his leash. “I told her I was in Seaside. Which we are. I just… Didn’t mention we were taking your RV. Or that ‘we’ involved you. I even sent her a postcard, I thought she’d chill, but–”

“Chill? Chloe Price?”

“Frankie, stop.” Rachel laughed, rolling her eyes. “She’s not… Okay, she’s a little much. But you have to love her.”

“No I do not.” Frank looked downright offended at the suggestion, and Rachel sighed, raking her fingers through her hair.

“Fine. I do. And I know she won’t like it, and it’ll just start bullshit drama. Not really our style. And I like our style.” Rachel leveled her gaze at him, the way she knew could get her her way any time she wanted.

Frank held her gaze for a long minute, before tossing her her phone. “Just text her. Tell her you’re okay. She goes nuts when she doesn’t hear from you, y’know.”

Rachel considered it for a minute, telling Chloe everything. About Frank, about how she’s really in love, and how happy she is. Holding Pompidou’s leash between her knees, she types it out, just to see it in writing.

1:56 PM: hey babe. i’m in seaside, remember? buuuuuut… i didn’t tell you who with. it’s frank. y’know. that frank. we’ve been hanging out for a while, and uh… now we’re kind of hooking up. and i think he loves me. and i think i love him. maybe. idk. but i love you too. and idk what to do. it’s scary but i don’t wanna lose you, or him. not as friends, or… anything else.

Rachel only realized she was gritting her teeth when the headache started, and she pressed delete, holding it down for a solid minute after the words vanished. Like hell am I ruining today like this.

March 8th, 2012

Rachel had never felt grosser. She’d known David was a creep from the start, but when she’d caught him tailing her in his shitty car, taking her picture by Frank’s, and on campus, she went into damage control mode. Cut Frank off by starting a fight and leaving him a letter goodbye, and distanced herself from the Vortex Club and Nathan. There was only one link left to get David off her back.

Chloe.

Her fingers shook slightly as she typed out the text, a lump in her throat.

9:17 PM: hey. sorry it’s been a few days of silence. needed space, y’know? but i need more. a lot more. i have school stuff to work on since the semester’s almost over, so things will be hella crazy for me and i just won’t have time for a social life. we should-

Her typing stopped as a new message popped up from Chloe, as if she’d known what was happening.

9:17 PM: holy shit dude, v just told me stepdick is stalking you. that SUCKS. he’s such an asshole. i can get him off your back. cause mischief, you know, my usual. just say the word.

Rachel smiled softly, her chest feeling a little lighter, as she deleted her previous message in the making.

January 16th, 2013

For nearly the last year, Chloe and Rachel had been closer than ever, even more so than before her secret relationship with Frank put a rift between them. Initially, when Mark Jefferson had been chosen to teach at Arcadia Bay, Rachel had only thought of her future. Sure, she had some professional shots in her modeling portfolio, but Mark was a known, celebrated photographer. She’d been subtle at the start, a stark contrast from the fan girls that drooled over him and whined for his attention. Asking him for advice on her portfolio or assignments for class, casually asking if he could maybe do a small shoot for her.

It was almost too easy for that to blur into what it was now, sneaking back to the dorms after a scandalous hookup in his office that had become their routine. She fished her phone from her bag to read the long list of texts Chloe had sent her over the last two hours, chuckling and shaking her head. She’d tried to write it all out, to tell Chloe about him. But it never felt like the right time. And Chloe would lose her shit anyways, no matter when she told her.

6:23 PM: hey blue. i’m fine, sorry i went quiet. i was kinnnnnnd of with someone. but i need to tell you in person. bc it’s sort of… taboo. like, hella taboo. pick me up and we can-

A hand on her shoulder elicited a horror movie scream that echoed off the brick walls lining the sidewalk. Beside her, Nathan jumped back like he’s been shocked, hands raised in defense. “Shit! Sorry, Rach! I just, I just saw you come out of the main building and I just…”

His words trailed off as he looked at something behind her, and Rachel followed his gaze, neck craning to look without turning. Mark was half-jogging down the stairs, briefcase in hand. He gave her and Nathan a curt nod before heading to his car, and Rachel turned back to Nathan, who’s expression had visibly darkened. “Uh, you good, Nate? He give you a shit grade or something?”

“Or… Something.”

April 21st, 2013

Something was very, very wrong. Sure, Rachel had taken some shit, and drank a little. But she could hold her own. A little weed and molly didn’t leave her stumbling like Bambi learning to walk, head spinning, and her stomach lurching. The flashing lights of the party stung her eyes and made her head throb, like she had the worst hangover in the world. Victoria had seen her, mocking her for not being able to hang. She vowed to never drink again if she survived this. Chloe was here somewhere, but Rachel just needed out, now. She pushed open the doors, deeply inhaling the cool evening air. Pulling out her phone, she tried in vain to type, but everything came out jumbled and nonsensical.

The door opened behind her, Mark stepping out onto the sidewalk next to her. “Rachel, are you alright? Let me get you back to your dorm.”

By that point her vision was blurring and darkening at the edges, so she just nodded.

Next thing she knew, she woke up in the dark, feeling like she was flying. After a minute, looking around with each movement taking all her strength, she realized she was in Mark’s car, laying across the back seat. Realizing her phone was still clutched in her hand, she typed out a single text to Chloe, the car coming to a stop as she finished writing it.

1:29 AM: somethings wrong. scared. mark took me. idk where i am. help.

Mark opened the door, Rachel letting out a low groan as he dragged her from the car and letting her drop outside the car as he picked up her phone, watching the text try to send, until the words flashed across the screen.

MESSAGE SEND FAILURE. RETRY?

October 13th, 2013

Rachel had been in the hospital for three days, and only really conscious for two of them. Hooked up to an IV giving her nutrients to try and supply everything she’d missed over the last six months as well as water. They’d recovered her phone in the bunker, giving it back only after they’d gotten all evidence off of it. That pissed Rachel off, but she didn’t have a leg to stand on since her own naivete and secrecy had gotten her kidnapped in the first place. After everything, all the shit she’d hid from Chloe, Chloe had found her. Saved her. And Rachel couldn’t bring herself to talk to her.

Tongue bitten between her teeth, Rachel frowned at her phone for over a minute before hurriedly opening it and getting to Chloe’s messages. She’d seen all the calls Chloe had made to her before, when she was tied up and left to die. But none since, because she was a hundred feet away, in the waiting room.

1:56 PM: hey life saver. come say hi. i owe you a thanks. and like, so much more.

VICTORIA

March 7th, 2010

Why the fuck did I call her Kari? This was the thought swirling around Victoria’s head as she sat in her Chemistry class. She was replaying the scene over and over in her head. She’d asked, specifically, what Chloe’s name was on the picture of them at that concert. But instead of, “Hey, Chloe, cool concert?” she’d gone on some ego-maniac spiel about her dumb photography award, and called her Kari. Victoria was cringing so hard she thought she might combust.

Sneaking her phone from her bag to her lap, she typed out a quick, hopefully casual message.

9:56 AM: thnx for the chem help. maybe u could tutor? i can pay.

But then, from behind her, the teacher’s voice rang out shrill and angry. “Ms. Chase, what is the meaning of this?”

Dread and understanding filled her, and she deleted the message, typing out an angry, belligerent message in its place. Fuck Chloe, this is what happens when you ask for help.

January 1st, 2011

The night previous had been unexpected, to say the least. Chloe wasn’t exactly in Victoria’s social circle, and hadn’t been at Blackwell for over a year, so their only connection was the rare times Rachel forced them together to hang out with her. They tolerated each other, even occasionally laughed at each other’s jokes. But last night had been different.

Rachel had completely bailed from the Vortex party, leaving Chloe to mope in the corner, nursing her red solo cup clutched a little too aggressively to be casual.

Pathetic.

Just to get Chloe out of there, to avoid souring the mood of the whole party, Victoria had taken her out to stairs and offered her a cigarette, forgetting herself as she lit it by leaning in close with her own. Brown eyes meeting blue and illuminated by the burning ends of their cigarettes, they held the gaze for what could only be a moment before pulling back and laughing it off. What followed had been nearly an hour of honestly talking, ranging from Rachel being a bitch for ditching Chloe, to the Vortex Club, to life at Blackwell. Small talk, sure, but it was easier to talk to Chloe than Victoria could have ever expected. When it became clear Rachel wasn’t making a reappearance any time soon, Victoria walked Chloe back to her truck after double and triple checking she wasn’t too fucked up to drive.

Now, in the harsh lights of the bathroom as she double-checked her make up, Victoria looked down at her phone, even picking it up and typing out a message.

7:50 AM: it’s v. hope you didn’t die last night, from alcohol poisoning or otherwise. last night wasn’t terrible, quelle suprise. guess we’re not totally at a loss if rach keeps bailing.

Just then, Taylor and Courtney entered, Taylor immediately checking herself in the mirror, and Courtney handing Victoria her morning coffee. Forgetting the text, Victoria shut off her phone, and accepted the coffee.

March 11th, 2012

Despite the odds, Victoria and Chloe had gone from tolerating each other to something… Different. Rachel’s presence was no longer a prerequisite for them to hang out together, though they insisted on keeping it secret regardless. Their drunk talks outside Vortex Club parties had turned into dizzying, intense hookups in Chloe’s car, or the bathroom, or wherever else they could get before they tore each other’s clothes off.

And still, Victoria couldn’t bring herself to just be nice to her. She was well aware it was Chloe’s birthday, it was all over her Facebook and Rachel’s instagram, that they had “big plans” for the big 1-8.

Plans that did not include Victoria.

Poring over her homework, textbooks covering her entire desk, Victoria’s head jerked up when she heard the now familiar revving of Chloe’s hideous truck. For a second, she thought Chloe had changed her mind. Chosen to hang out with Victoria instead of Rachel, not just hung out with her because she was the next best option. Her heart jumped, and she picked up her phone to text the birthday girl.

10:25 AM: since it’s your birthday we’ll drop the pretense. give me five minutes-

But her heart dropped back down just as quickly with the all too familiar sound of the dorm door banging opening, where from her window she could see a streak of blonde hair and flannel running to Chloe’s truck.

Oh.

Silently, Victoria sank back into her desk chair, swallowing hard as she tried to focus on her work instead of the annoying, dull ache now sitting squarely in the middle of her chest.

August 7th, 2013

Rachel had been missing for three months and sixteen days. And Victoria had stopped answering Chloe’s texts a month ago. But she was beginning to crack. The texts from Chloe ranged from poorly faked nonchalance (’hey vic, whats up, i’m at blackwell let’s chill’) to accusatory (’you always hated rach, you wanted her gone, fuck you!’). So Victoria ignored them. But she was scared, just like Chloe. And sad. And news of the disappearance was harder to get ahold of when she wasn’t in Arcadia Bay, stuck home in Seattle until the beginning of the school. Skimming over the unanswered texts, Victoria bit her lip and started to type something out.

3:05 PM: any news? hope ur having a nice summer. other than the obvi.

But a knock at her bedroom door, and Danielle, the family’s cleaning lady, poking head in distracted her from the ache, if only for a minute. She threw her phone into the middle of her bed and walked out, giving a rare, sweet smile to Danielle, and flounced out of the room, pushing all thoughts of Rachel, Chloe, and Arcadia Bay from her mind.

October 4th, 2013

Oh my god. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod.

Even in Victoria’s alcohol and coke fueled buzz, she knew what she’d seen. Nathan had been shadowing Kate all night, after being the one to invite her, and then slipped something in her drink, which he was now handing off to her. Victoria felt icy, like all circulation in her body had stopped. The pounding bass felt otherworldly with the music muffled by her panic. In her mind, two dots struggled to connect, separated by months and what, at the moment, had seemed like absolutely nothing. But when Kate started stumbling, her dark blonde hair lit up by the flashing lights, deja vu hit Victoria like a truck.

Rachel had been drugged before she disappeared. It all made sense now. Why she was so out of it, and why she’d left so fast. Chloe was the first person Victoria thought of, and she fumbled to pull her phone out.

11:38 PM: chloe it’s vic call me ASAP i think i have a clue to what happened-

Courtney and Taylor, who until now had been watching Kate, mesmerized and horrified, looked over at Victoria for instruction. Victoria opened her mouth, unsure what was about to come out. Before she could speak. Courtney laughed and grabbed her phone. “Holy shit, Saint Kate is going Girls Gone Wild. We’re so posting this.”

November 24th, 2013

The month and some change since the End of the World Party had been bizarre. Victoria had lost nearly everything, from her Everyday Heroes win, to her friends, to the Vortex Club leadership position. But Max had approached her like it was nothing, and sat with her when no one else would, and brought her assignments when she couldn’t bear to leave her room. An extension of Max’s friendship was being reunited with Chloe, whom she hadn’t spoken to in four months.

It wasn’t easy, trying to piece together a genuine friendship after how quickly Victoria had dropped Chloe, and Chloe had accused her of being involved in their still-missing friend’s disappearance. But somehow, they did it. When Max headed off to Seattle for Thanksgiving break, and VIctoria’s family let her know she wouldn’t be welcome at the family gathering after her “disgrace”, Chloe was the first person she turned to.

11:40 AM: sorry for the late notice, but… any chance you’ve got a spare seat at your table? kinnnnnnnd of disinvited from thanksgiving, with nowhere to go.

Twelve long minutes later, her phone vibrated in her hand.

11:52 AM: v, i think if i turned you away my mom would disinvite me. yes, you’re coming. bonus points if you make david feel shitty with me.

#victoria; interactions #rachel; interactions #punkdtm

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theinkstainsblog · 6 years

Note

hey are you like,,,, a doctor bc if not then the fact that you diagnosed yourself means almost nothing? just asking bc you should probably go to a professional and get some help (if you don't want help then what's the point of even diagnosing yourself? makes no sense at all)

Oooookay wow there is a lot to unpack here.

I’ve actually spoken before on this blog and my side blogs about why I believe I have an anxiety disorder. I’ll do it again with some bullet points for you now but you really ought to know that this is an incredibly personal topic and it’s pretty fucking inappropriate for you to come in so rudely with this. I’m honestly happy to answer any questions people have about my mental health because visibility is important and that’s why I’m answering this even though you’ve kind of pissed me off with the way you asked. Just don’t expect me to be polite about it (like I would be if you’d asked nicely).

It’s pretty clear to anyone that knows me that my mental health is not good. I have panic attacks. I often don’t sleep. Sometimes I get so anxious I can’t go to class because the thought is terrifying to me. For a period I was self-harming, I still have intrusive thoughts about that even though I’ve been clean for a long while.

When I say that I’m getting anxious about stuff I don’t mean “getting a bit anxious before a test or a presentation” because everybody gets those feelings. I mean having that panicky, heart thudding, hands sweating, want to cry, can’t breathe anxious feeling about twenty times a day every single day and when I’m not feeling that I’m feeling a heavyweight of dread in my chest about the next thing.

For example, this morning that meant that I was panicking about going to my lecture because I haven’t been in a few days (that in itself is because I’m an anxious loop where I’ve convinced myself that I don’t belong at uni, I don’t deserve it and that everyone can tell I’m an idiot who’s here by mistake). I was anxious that someone would call me out on it, I was anxious that there was work I’d missed that I’d need for today, I was worried everyone would stare at me because they know I’m stupid, I was worried that for some reason I’d have to give a presentation I’m not prepared for. Then I got anxious about whether or not to wear a jacket - what if it’s too cold and I don’t? What if it’s too hot and I do and then people think I’m dumb because it’s not jacket weather? What if I need it for outside but then I have to take it off when I get there? What if I get caught in the arm and everyone notices and it takes me ages to get it off and they’re all judging me? What if while I’m struggling I knock something off the desk and draw attention to myself? What if, what if, what if. My whole day goes like that. I have to go through a list of a hundred questions for every tiny decision that I make - decisions that others can make in two seconds. I’m sure you can imagine how that gets pretty exhausting pretty quickly.

It’s not like I just decided “oh that means I have generalised anxiety disorder then” one day either. I spent weeks looking into it (and no, that doesn’t mean the same as a doctor diagnosis and I could be wrong about it - although doctors are wrong quite often too so…). At first, I thought I had social anxiety because a lot of things that set off my anxiety are to do with worrying how other people are seeing me. When I looked that up though, it didn’t fit me. So I knew it wasn’t that. Then I see GAD so I looked into it and it was a eureka moment. Not only were all the things I knew to be true about my experience with anxiety on there, but so was a whole bunch of other stuff that I kind of thought was just me being weird (like sleeping for longer than a normal person - like 12 hours sometimes - and still being exhausted all the time).

So with that in mind, it seems pretty damn likely to me that I have GAD. However, I still mention in my bio that its self-diagnosed not because I think I’m an expert but for the exact opposite - I am not an expert and people should know when I talk about my mental health that I don’t have an official diagnosis and that I am not speaking as an expert. I just wanna talk about it and help people out if I can.

Also, anxiety runs in my family. My aunt and mum both struggle with anxiety. My mum has therapy every week. GAD can run in families or it can be caused by an abusive childhood. I didn’t have an abusive childhood but my mum did and a lot of my anxious behaviours and thoughts I’ve picked up from her.

I’ve actually talked to my mum about this an awful lot. She’s not a doctor either - she is a senior nurse who’s been working for nearly thirty years though if that helps. And yeah she is biased because I’m her daughter so she can’t properly diagnose me, but she’s also a nurse so you know, she’s seen it all before and never ever makes a fuss if there isn’t a need.

And yeah, I do want help with managing it. I’m getting some - I practice self-compassion workshops online which if you do them enough teach you to be aware of your body and feelings and get you to either let the anxious thoughts out like catharsis if that’s what you need, or other workshops that teach you how to head off an anxious thought before you get in that loop. But now that I’m at uni I’m also exploring options to get some counselling. And potentially a proper diagnosis.

So yeah anon, I’m not a doctor. But I know myself a hell of a lot better than you do and I know this sure as fuck isn’t neurotypical because when I talk about it with people who aren’t anxious, they look at me like I’m mad. Now in future, bear in mind that this might be hard for people to talk about and also that it affects you precisely zero percent, so butt out and stop being ableist, Jesus.

Peace!

#mental health #ableism #anxiety

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ichimacchus · 6 years

Text

Love Essay - Chapter Five: Bottom Roots under the cut!

I’m mad bc Wattpad keeps unpublishing this so I’m just gonna write the chapters in Sta.sh writer on DeviantART until Wattpad’s functional once more.

PS: I’m proud of this

A few days had passed and Karamatsu's sickness had seemingly vanished overnight. Todomatsu had gotten used to the days of rest and now he had to start stalking again. He just wished Choromatsu had picked someone else, but he knew deep inside that he was the only one capable of doing this in secret.

At the moment, however, it was the middle of class and Todomatsu had lost track of how much time it was until lunch. He just slumped on his desk, resting his head on one arm and scrolling through things on his phone with his other arm. Karamatsu was sitting next to him, holding a textbook open with both hands. Todomatsu kept glancing out the corners of his eyes at him, watching as he used the book to hide that he was looking at Chibita. The room was, as per usual, filled with the sounds of the other students talking and laughing.

Todomatsu made a small, catty grin. Time to act.

"Oi, Karamatsu nii-san" Todomatsu said softly, looking at his brother. Karamatsu jumped a foot from his seat, startled. He put the book down, and glanced over at Todomatsu. "Eh?" he asked, dazed. "Why do you keep looking at Chibita?" Todomatsu asked, preferring to get right to the chase instead of beating around the proverbial bush.

"Ah! I am merely looking beyond him, out the window at the beauty of this campus!" Karamatsu responded, closing his eyes and placing his fingers under his chin in the shape of a gun. Todomatsu stared at him with narrowed eyes. And pigs can fly, Todomatsu thought to himself, knowing that what his brother was saying was complete and utter bullshit.

"Why do you go pale when you see the outside, hmm?" Todomatsu asked in a smart ass way. The color drained from Karamatsu's face faster than you could say "glitter". Gotcha, Todomatsu thought with an internal smirk. "I-I-I..." Karamatsu stammered before sighing. He held the book up with both hands again. "You do not need to know." he said, proceeding to flip a page.

You sneaky motherfucker, Todomatsu thought. As if he wasn't already suspicious of Karamatsu's actions! Todomatsu went back to looking at his phone. When he looked out of the corner of his eye again, Karamatsu had finally put the book down, and he was now writing something.

And Todomatsu highly doubted it was notes.

Suddenly, Karamatsu got up. "Where are you going?" Todomatsu asked him, his stomach starting to spin. "Bathroom" Karamatsu replied calmly, walking past him and to the door, leaving the classroom.

As soon as Karamatsu was out of the room, Todomatsu looked around him and looked over at the paper Karamatsu was writing on. "My dearest Chibita..." were the only words on it, and there were tiny hearts scribbled in blue ink. Todomatsu's stomach turned. "Geez, does he have to be so mushy..?" he said to himself, going back to pretending to mind his own business.

He sent a text to Choromatsu about Karamatsu's obvious lie when confronted, as well as the paper. Todomatsu noticed his professor writing something on his computer. Todomatsu looked back at the door of the classroom. Had he even noticed Karamatsu leaving? Probably not. The professor was really lax, and unless he needed to teach something or review something, he usually let the class do whatever.

Guess that's why so many people like him, Todomatsu mused.

He got a text back from Choromatsu. "Send me a photo so I know you're not lying?" his brother had texted back. "Sure, just hold on" Todomatsu replied, exiting what he was doing and pulled up his phone camera. Taking a picture, he sat back in his chair as Karamatsu returned. Todomatsu sent the picture to Choromatsu, adding "Painful just returned" to his message.

"That could be a love letter.." Choromatsu replied. "Maybe." Todomatsu replied.

The bell rang, and Todomatsu quickly typed "Listen, I'm going to lunch, ttyl", then rushed down to the cafeteria, or whatever they called it.

---------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, Karamatsu was done for the day, and was heading out to the dorm. He felt strange, harboring a letter of such emotion inside his bag, but no one else was going to see it YET. He would make sure his brothers would never see it. They'd mock him endlessly for it. Which was why he put a lock on his backpack zippers, so no one could open it except for him. He'd stashed the combo somewhere in the front pocket, and he had the key around his neck like a necklace.

Arriving at the dorm, he shoved the door open. Choromatsu and Todomatsu were on the couch, and appeared to be studying. "Oi" Choromatsu greeted him, not even looking up from whatever he was doing. "My brothers! I'm heading off campus to a store! I will be back in a few hours!" Karamatsu announced, tossing his backpack to the ground. Todomatsu stared at him.

Karamatsu turned and left, palming the key around his neck.

As soon as the door was shut, Todomatsu threw his notebook across the room. It hit the microwave, which was above the stove in the kitchen. "What was that for?!" Choromatsu blurted out, staring at the younger brother.

"Dunno." Todomatsu shrugged.

"Now that he's gone, we can talk about the letter." Choromatsu said, gently setting his supplies down on the coffee table and straightening himself. "It's in his binder. I watched him put it in" Todomatsu blurted without thinking.

Choromatsu hesitated. "Anyways, from what we've seen from his behavior, he's definitely in love. Right?" Choromatsu asked. "Whaddya mean, 'right'?" Todomatsu said, curling his fingers in quotation marks when he said "right". "I mean, from what Osomatsu told us about his chat with Karamatsu, he's been feeling lightheaded, he said his heart was skipping beats, his stomach filled with butterflies. You've been in love before, like, actual dating love. Those are some of the ways to tell you're in love, right?" Choromatsu explained.

"Yeah, those are some. I mean, I know I felt those when I fell in love with Atsushi-kun" Todomatsu said, feeling his face grow hot at the thought of his boyfriend. "Right. We can connect those feelings to the book, and it ties in to say he's fallen in love with someone. But, who?" Choromatsu mused, putting his fist to his lips.

"I wanna say Chibita so badly" Todomatsu murmured. "The letter you saw him writing does seem like a love letter, since he DID say 'my dearest Chibita'.." Choromatsu said. "That doesn't really say much. He called everyone dearest." Todomatsu reminded his brother, flopping onto his back.

"We need to read the letter" Choromatsu said suddenly. Todomatsu shot upright. "You're kidding..." he gasped. Choromatsu stared back, his pointed frown plastered on his face. "Nope. I feel like we should read it." Choromatsu replied. "But his backpack is locked!" Todomatsu protested. He was willing to snoop on Karamatsu, but not through his stuff. It was like reading someone's diary!

And the unspoken rule was to never read someone's diary without permission unless you want to have your intestines ripped out.

"He must have a code." Choromatsu said, hopping off the couch and picking up Karamatsu's bag. It was heavier than he expected. Todomatsu turned around and grabbed the arm of the couch. Choromatsu sat back down on the couch, Karamatsu's bag on his lap. He studied the lock. It was black, and the silver metal of the curve fitting between the zippers. On the side of the lock were three, small wheels with numbers on it. A code lock.

"Oi, Totty" Choromatsu said, causing his brother to turn back around. Choromatsu put the bag between them. "Can you pick the lock?" Choromatsu asked, fumbling with the collar of his dress shirt that he wore under his green hoodie.

"Yeah. I can try" Todomatsu said, grabbing hold of the lock and moving the little wheels with his thumb. The first combination he tried was 002. When he pulled down on the lock, the metal curve stayed in place. Todomatsu tried more combinations. None of them seemed to work. At last, out of desperation, Todomatsu tried 524, the digits of the sextuplets' birthday. When Todomatsu pulled down on the lock, it came off the zippers in his palm.

"Are you shitting me?" Todomatsu murmured.

Unzipping his brother's bag, Todomatsu opened the pack wide open, and started digging through its contents.

"Oh my fucking god" Todomatsu exclaimed.

"What? Did you find it?" Choromatsu said, leaning forwards. Todomatsu shook his head. "Nope. I did find something much, much worse" Todomatsu said, his voice dropping. "What?" Choromatsu inquired, dread rising in his chest.

Todomatsu stared Choromatsu dead in the eyes, pain and horror in them.

"He has a jar of glitter in here" Todomatsu said softly, pulling out a small jar with a black screw on cap. It had a white label with "Sparkles" written on it in black sharpie. Inside it was a mound of painful, blue glitter.

"Oh my lord..." Choromatsu murmured, slapping his face with his palm.

Todomatsu pulled out a blue binder from the bag. "Is that the one it's in?" Choromatsu asked. Todomatsu nodded and opened the binder. It was the top thing inside it. Choromatsu scooted over to sit beside his little brother. Together the two took in the words written on the lined piece of paper.

"My dearest Chibita,

You are like the sun to me. You are the light in my life. I wish we weren't floating apart. My heart has started yearning for your touch. I have been feeling like I am walking on air when I see you around. You have a charm many would desire. It is a shame I'm the only one who has noticed. I know my brothers are literal demons, but I assure you, I'm not like them. You may disagree, but can they notice your beauty? Can they be as romantic as me? The fire you ignite in me longs to be fueled by your kiss. I want you to notice me like you notice your amazing skills in cooking. One day, I hope to be more than just mere friends.

- Your dearest songbird, Matsuno Karamatsu", the letter read.

Choromatsu and Todomatsu stared at each other, eyes wide. Then, they stared back at the paper.

"Okay, he's definitely in love with Chibita." Todomatsu said. "What now..?" Choromatsu asked. "I'll put it away. You think of the next step in our plan." Todomatsu said, returning the letter to the binder, and then placing the binder and glitter back in the bag, locking the zippers in place where he'd found them. He moved the wheels on the lock to random numbers.

"I think you should casually bring up the subject of love and try to get him to spit out that he loves Chibita." Choromatsu said out of nowhere.

"Who loves Chibita?"

Todomatsu and Choromatsu jumped as Osomatsu walked in. "Long story. We'll explain only if you promise not to say a word to him about it." Choromatsu said. Osomatsu let his bag fall on top of the pile. "Sure. Now, spill" he said, lifting his hoodie over his head, unveiling the grey t-shirt he had on underneath.

Choromatsu took a deep breath. "Karamatsu. We've been spying on him for over a week because he's been acting off. Totty's been gathering notes on his actions. We connected the feelings he described to you to being in love, and the dating book is solid proof. We found out he's in love with Chibita by snooping in his bag." he explained, standing. Osomatsu, who'd gone into the kitchen to make ramen, looked over his shoulder.

"So you've been spying on him and found out he has the hots for Chibita?" Osomatsu asked. "Yeah, pretty much" Todomatsu replied.

Osomatsu was silent. Choromatsu walked to the bathroom. "Don't tell Karamatsu we're doing this." Todomatsu said. Osomatsu nodded. "I won't." he said, turning back to the noodles.

Todomatsu sighed. They'd gotten this far. Now what were they gonna do? They couldn't just confront Karamatsu.

This was going to be harder than Todomatsu had anticipated.

And Todomatsu didn't always like challenges.

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steamishot · 5 years

Text

Weekend recap

friday - dropped my parents off in monterey park to go on their chinese tour trip with their friends. had to wake up at 5:10am and pick their couple friends up along the way because my dad offered. it was interesting hearing their conversations. my “auntie” was talking about how their friends bought big homes (3-4 rooms) but it’s extra work now that their kids have moved out. more work has to be done for cleaning and maintenance and it might have been a better idea just to get a small, one bedroom place. they talked about how now that they’ve reached 60, to focus on a decade at a time, and try to enjoy themselves from 60-70. once they reach 70, they can reevaluate again.

on saturday, b and i attended the cambodia town film festival. my saturday was quite packed so i almost started to dread driving far out to long beach and questioned if i still even wanted to go. i also slept awkwardly the night before, so i had an uncomfortable stiffness in my neck all day. every time this neck stiffness happens, it affects my whole body and energy level. i was anxious because i left my house later than anticipated (bc facetiming with matt), and i get anxious when i’m late to events lol. finding parking was also hard too, which made me even more anxious. on top of that, i was afraid of running into my ex, any of his friends/family or anyone that i may know.

anyway, we made it on time and caught a short film about a czech lady who longed to host a cambodian family after hearing about the khmer rouge. she empathized with them because her country went through something similar. the film was quite slow and it took some time for me to relax and get into it. i was also distracted by my hunger and thirst. luckily, during the break before the main movie premiered, we got to stop by the falafel shop next door and pick up some pretty good food/snacks! by the time we were back, i was more comfortable, relaxed and ready to enjoy the movie. i was immediately engaged in the movie, and it was very easy to follow and watch. the soundtrack was beautiful and parts of the movie were so heavy and emotional i wanted to cry. 92 minutes went by in an instant. we were grateful to be able to stay afterwards for a Q&A session with the directors, producers, and of course, ellen wong! i was really excited to see her in person, and she’s prettier in real life imo. the directors of CTFT were also there. one was praCh ly, a rapper who apparently was rumored to have a relationship with angelina jolie (i found out after looking him up). when the questions were open to audience, there was a middle age cambodian man who said, “this movie really touched my heart. thank you for making it. i want to know, where in cambodia did you film it?” it was like being in adult/post-college UKS and i had a sense of belonging to this community. there was also a panel afterwards, descendants of genocide survivors.

b and i got a pic with ellen wong. initially, i was scared to go up to her because i wasn’t sure what i’d say. thankfully b is more courageous than i am and we got it. :) the first thing we said to her was, “we’re chinese cambodian too” and ellen goes, “ME TOO!”. it was my first time meeting/talking to a celebrity, and i’m glad it was her. i’ve seen her as knives chau in scott pilgrim, and thought she looked familiar/like she’s one of my people. never questioned it until recently. just learned a few months ago that she’s also teochew, chinese parents from cambodia, and started fangirling her since. lucky to have it play out like this. i drove home starstruck.

since my parents are out of town, i ate dinner at a thai restaurant with my uncle and grandma, then headed back home to prep/pack for paint nite at L’s place. b came over and we picked s up before heading over to meet L and LC. paint nite was therapeutic. great snacks and wine. L asked a lot of questions to kinda get to know everyone on a deeper level. we painted from like 7:45pm to 10pm and got kicked out of the common room when it closed at 10. at that point, most people were like 70-98% done. i was like 98% done lol. i admire L for being mature and having her shit together, and as i was leaning towards building that life for myself, i started becoming more annoyed at b, who is more wild spirited and all over the place. however, i appreciated b more last night. she’s definitely one of a kind and its nice to have her at parties because she does make things more fun. she even got us/L to go out to a bar (at which we only stayed like 30 min lol). i ended up getting home around 1am, which is late for me. it was refreshing to go out and see people at bars/nightlife, even though it drained me being in the environment. it’s nice once in a while to absorb others’ youthful energies and not be such a grandma all the time.

sunday- even though i only had 6-7 hours of sleep, i woke up feeling good. my stiff neck went away and i got up to get ready for my UX dim sum event. i attended this event with my indian mama. the event was interesting and basically what we practiced in class. our workshop was a mix of those who have been to dim sum many times before/grew up with it and those who are first or second timers. we shared our observations, interviewed each other, and shared more/new observations. we tackled the problems in the design that we discovered, such as- how do we even know what each dish is? what’s in each dish? and we explored the cart system and difficulties of ordering. it was really cool to view dim sum in a new light. i don’t see any of the proposals we came up with being used in 626, where it’s predominately asian, but it might be useful in like chinatown, cerritos, south bay, etc where there the customers are less homogenous (i think). it made me realize how inclusive dim sum is. you go in, and there’s no instruction on how the system works. no friendly staff to be like, “is this your first time here? blahblahblah”. you just have to figure it out on your own, or rely on people who have been there before to teach you.

in our table of 14 today, i sat in between my indian mama and a mexican/german UX researcher girl. it was my indian mama’s first time and the UX researcher’s second time at dim sum. part of what makes the experience fun and interesting is getting to see others experience dim sum for the first time. as a dim sum “veteran”, i also take on the role of the caretaker, explaining what each dish is to the best of my knowledge, and helping them out with chopsticks/grabbing food.

design thinking is not easy. i still tend to be timid and not speak up in group environments, and i feel self conscious that i’m not contributing enough. i’d definitely feel more comfortable once i’ve seen and worked with the same people before, but i’m still shy at the beginning. from what i’ve seen today, your presentation skills/ability to articulate an idea well really matter a lot. the others in the workshop were able to make everyone laugh as they were explaining their ideas, whereas i was more serious and mousy - and therefore not very fun. oh well, i’m glad i did something out of my comfort zone today. :) made me happy to also be with my indian mama when she tried dimsum and half and half for the first time.

0 notes

mem-en-to · 4 years

Text

I just have to post this somewhere. If you do read it please don't reply or anything to alert me that you do. I just have to assure myself of my existence. If you do I might just can't stand it.

It's getting worse

I don't know if this will be a one time thing or what

It might be the stress of starting the second week of university

or that I fucked up the dorm's microwave 3 days ago and still feel guilty and stress (since then I've been making so many mistake I drop the alcohol bottle(broke it), drop a glass of water(luckily it's a plastic glass), spilled the milk on the desk, spilled the smoothie next to the fridge, dropped the clean towel on the balcony(result in having to wash it), tripped and drop some clean cottonbuds(such a waste!), tripped on the way to the bathroom at 2 am and woke the neighbors up on a schoolday)

or even home sick from being away for a week now

or because I was staying inside after graduated and then the covid situation that make me(I chose)stay inside the house for more than 3 months straight(well, I did go outside like once every other week or sth, but I would always go with someone, mom or dad)

I've been dreading going outside since yesterday

I estimated how many food I have left and feel bad(no not bad as in guilty) about having to go out and buy more

I even considered skip some meals and ration what I have left so I could put away going out for even just 1 more day

And I did, I skip breakfast and ration the food

I ate a bit less so I could scrap all the left over for just one more meal

The thought of going outside turned my stomach and I feel tight in my chest

it made me feel.. disgust and a bit of fear? มวนท้อง แหยงๆ อึดอัดตรงหน้าอก

I'm not sure how to describe it how or why

I don't think its talking to people that make me feel this way

I think its just go outside in general? being seen maybe?

I normally would dread going outside for a bit but have no problem in doing it

I would just need some times to come to realisation that I have to(or about to)go outside

Like, if mom just ask me inthe morning if I want to go out this afternoon. My answer is NO. There's no bargaining, except if it is ABSOLUTELY IMPORTANT.

But If she asked me, do you want to come with me tmr? That'll be fine, I might say yes(but I say no more often)

I would have a kind of panic-y thougt and feeling a bit scared before actually going out, like while I was preparing(dress, grab things stuff like that) that is normal

Today it took me almost half an hour after I'm ready to gather courage and actually step out of my room

In that 30 minutes I kept checking again and again of what I have to buy and did I have my all things?(phone checked. wallet checked. mask checked. etc) What about my clothes?(check the mirror) Did I brushed my hair?(proceed to brush it the 4th time)

All the while I also pacing and kept on checking the window for the restaurant near mydorm

It's to see if there're many customers, if there are I would wait a bit more because I don't want to stand around waiting and making awkward glance, an awkward conversation would be better come to think of it.

There. It's not the talking that I'm scared of.

After I got outside I would feel.. tense? anxious? or maybe paranoid or something of that nature I'm not sure

But the feeling would go away soon, often around the time I reach my destination or when I'm doing my task(like choosing btw different brand of groceries or the like)

It's still good, this time

The feeling went away as I was walking around the shop but come back as soon as I got in line, paid and walking out of the shop, which is fine that's also normal

I also have to stop at the restaurant on the next block, I decided to eat there and have a take away for dinner

I chose to eat there because that would mean less plastic you know? doing what I can to help with global warming

Even though the thought of sitting there was a bit.. sick It was fine while I was eating

Because I was doing my task(things)?

But the moment I turned away with a bag of food and my groceries in hand the feeling started to crawl up my spine and tried to curl up in my stomach again

But It's okay I didn't let it

My dorm was right there I could see it

Only a bit further and I'll be safe inside my dorm

But Nooooo

The feeling cling to me

I push it down and didn't let it settle in

My heart was still thudding in my chest even after I got inside my room

I put my things away. stored the food. changed clothes while checking if I breathed normally or not(I did, breated normally I mean or at least I think I did, despite what most people think some of us do research about thingss like this even if or when we haven't been diagnosed as having something plus I did hyperventilated/had panic attacked before or, I think it was)

But after that my heart still wouldn't return to normal and my head is a bit light and spinny still(At first I thought it was the 3 flight of stairs I have to climb but it should have gone by now, I know, not an athletic person)

That was when I realise that there something different, something wrong this time

The nagging feeling I have had since I walked outside is this

I'm more worried and scared this time

There is something wrong

I don't know what to do so I typed this down

Normally It would help make me feel better

And It did, my heart stop beating fast and weird halfway through this

Like my other notes I didn't care much about the grammar or whatever, after all the purpose is to make myself feel better

All right a bit more on this notes

After I finished this I wnt and google 'scared of going outside'

I don't think it agoraphobia or sad that I have although I do have some of the symptomps. I mean I might have one of it but from what I read I don't exactly match with some of both, I'm not scared of crowd(sad) in fact being in crowds make me feel better, the more people the better cuz that mean the less would be looking at me

And I'm not scared of open space(agora) I'm okay with parking lots and I'm not scared of being left alone(agora)

Being with some one I trust would definitely help(contradict with sad but agree with agora)

I'm not scared of public place(sad), Library is one of my sanctuary once I settled in on the new one that's it, Everyone is minding their own business, I could tuck myself btw some old textbook shelves no one would come search and read in silent, peace. Or I could go to the working space, sit on the sofa or choose one of the table and no one would care even if I have 3 thick books with me and sit there for 3 hours straight. I could even strike up some friendly and relatively non-awkward conversation with the librarian on the counter when I checked out some books, there, social requirement of the day complete. Those days that I could do this is so peaceful, I was happy.

Sadly, I had gone to Uni library only once and checked out a book, I still feel a bit uncomfortable to go there, but the feeling of contenment when I get inside would be worth it. Just. Not today. Or tmr, we got a day off for mother day and I might go home with my siblings and come back to next week on Monday or sth. (We have classes online bc of covid)

And after the mini research I feel a dizzy spell hit me

It left me reeling for a few mins before I returned normal

It could be because i stand up too fast or it could be the information in my head that's there something wrong

I don't want to have it, sad, agora or whatever

My self confident/self esttem is shit enough

I can't satnd it if i know there sth more wrong with me

I can't be more of a burden to my parents

I want to make them proud I have to

I choose this path and I know they don't hate it, they even support me on choosing to study art instead of the cliche doctor or engineer(which I hate but is my dad's life I feel so fucking bad I should have like it, I should be better at it and follow his footsteps, but I already made my choice, sometimes I regret it but even if I could go back I wouldn't change it, I can't At least I probably could be a teacher like him, teach younger people, support them I love him, and I hate him I love that he isn't just a good father, he's a good person, a good friend, a good teacher, a good brother, a good son, he's so great I don't deserved him, not me, not my mom, not my brother, not his parents, not his siblings, not that univerity And I hate him, he's always at work when I was younger, came home at 8or9 almost everyday but I also love him because despite that he still tried to make some time for us I hate him because when he started to have less works and came home earlier it's when me and my brother are growing up wanting to stay out and spend time with our friends(I hate myself) I hate him because he's so great, has been since he's young, he's so intelligent and diligent he studied hard and he got scholarship in uni to US And that was 40 years ago how impressive is that? And after he came back with straight A every uni want him but he choose that Uni because they supported him when he needed it and he chose to stay instead of go to better uni purely bacause he's a good person he feels grateful and want to repay the uni, which has shit government I hate it I hate them, there's a few years he's so stress because he has to go to the court several times on several cases and could go to jail because of those peice of shits I fucking hate them If he choose to change uni our lifes would be different I wouldn't grow up there, I wouldn't have friends that I have, I wouldn't be the person I am today and I can't blame him for choosing this. I hate him because no matter what or how much I tried I couldn't achieve half of what he has done and still doing(I hate myself I'm a disappointment) I could have gotten A or at least B+ if I studied more on math, science and sociology, but I didn't. I could have beautiful skin and thin figure if I take care of myself more, exercise more, but I didn't. I could have spend less money on books and those trinkets and save a lot of money, but I didn't, I could have make more friends and get in with the better connection and reputation clique if I conceal some part of myself and pretend a bit more, but I didn't. I could have better resume if I'm brave enough to participate in those tournament and those candidates for manythings, but I didn't. I could have been a better person, a better friend, a better student, a better daughter, but I wasn't[I couldn't be] I hate myself I don't matter I'm a disappointment)

I fucking hate crying, It never help with anything except wasting evenmore time and make my head hurt make my throat hurt of how I hold my noise in and make my eyes hurt and everything's blurry and wet.

I just broke down and typed those long ass paragraph with tears for an hour straigh. such a waste of time I should have done some exercise instead. And now I feel like shit. I know I could still do it but I also know that I won't. I would save this note, re-read it again and again maybe add sth along the way and when it's getting late I would jusst take a shower and goto bed.

At least I've lost my appetite, no dinner mean less calories I take today, skipped breakfast AND dinner? At least that compensate for today exercise(maybe) But I also know that garigarikun in the freeze will disappear into my stomach before bed. I'm such a little shit. I'm ashame of myself.

you know what I could waste a bit more time. Typing this some how remind me of the time I have an argument with my parents in highschool(or was it middle school? the memory's fuzzy)and I had panic attack or at least hyperveintilated afterward. I can't remember exactly what started the argument but I remembered that that day I was having a bad day(worse than normal) the bullying that day was worse I don't know how I acted I just remembered yelling at my father who's stress from long day at work and the court problem, we were yelling(or at least I am) and I did what I usually do. I ran, to the bedroom. I don't(never)want to have a fight with my family. He didn't follow me this time. My mom did. She came talk to me, half soothing half scolding. Saying I shouldn't have yell, I was hurting him by behave like this and after he's tired from work too. She's basically tried to make amend. But in my head at the time she was calling out on my bullshit. Saying I'm being unreasonable. I know that some of what she said is true and I don't want to fight so I tried talking, I said something like you don't understand me, And I tried using some difficult words and lines that could be seen in dramas and such to make her understand. I poured my heart out I even consider revealing the real extent of the bullying. But you know what she said? She said I read too many fictions and watch too many movies and I'm being too emotional I should stop this nonsense right now. I still could recall the feeling when she finished and it get in my head. It's not the ice bucket being pour over me. It's not the fire of rage running through my viens. It's not an arrow straight through my heart, a stab at the chest, or a feeling crawl up myspine. It's blank. blank. blank. blank, blank,blank,blank,blank,blakn,blank,blank, I feel so, so empty. It's just how I used my words, how I tried to make her understand. And this is what I got? I remembered stop talking and stuffed my face on a pillow. She's speaking a few more things but I didn't listen. I couldn't. I was breathing so hard but I think she think i was crying so she patted my back and left. I was old enough to know that's something's wrong I wasn't breating normally even for someone who's crying but at the time I still didn't know what panic attack/hyperveintilated is. I just know there's sth wrong, but I ignore it, I was hurt. I was in pain my chest is so tight(at the time I thought it's because of the pain I was feeling later I learned that it's the combination of that and the pa/h I was having) My thought kept circling around the words she said, I'm being dramatic and such. At least after that I don't want to argue anymore. I came back to myself and got out of the room, more than half an hour later. (Times didn't only flies when you're having a good time huh?, I remembered thinking that)

I think the being emotional/dramatic bit really got me. I can't help it. it's how I'm expressing myself. So what if it looking I was writing some fiction/ fake the words to make it mmore dramatic? That's how I feel.

A breakdown and an empty moment recalling in a day? that's a new record. Normally It would be one at a time and not this soon after one another. Guess I'm really stressed out. I even consider calling some emergencies depression lines but after reading some review saying it's shit I decided not to. I would be in the way of those who really do need it(I'm such a failure) and I'm not good at talking anyways, just look at how tragic it turned out to be each time I do.

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jibunjishin · 6 years

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hellO

i haven’t found the spare time in forever to just make a post and catch up with myself and how i’ve BEEN

i don’t think some people understand that idk how im honestly doing until i do something like this because i just go around doing the motions of life and whatever, not really having any time to feel, so i could be doing really bad for all i know but not be able to put a pinpoint on where it’s all coming from until i sit down for a sec. and while i can’t afford the time even now to do this, it’s super important so here i am!!!!

wow im super tired!!! in a physical way, where im fighting jet lag and general insufficient sleep hours. i actually fell asleep for like 2 hours today and then thought i’d take a ‘break’ until i felt ready and i actually haven’t felt ready. the last weeks of march i went into overdrive and SOMEHOW got everything done. one of my five classes is going really poorly, i’m scoring consistently below average and it’s ruining my self confidence, self esteem, just overall belief in myself and my abilities to finish my degree??? lmao. im very fragile ANYWAYS but on the other hand, I got a 91% on a paper for my public health class and a 98.5% on my midterm for another class! (which I’m p/nping! so it DOESN’T MATTER!! HAHAHH yay. *upside down smiley emoji*)

the point is things have been mixed bad and good results, but I’m really letting the bad overtake my whole mood. and i recognize that. acknowledge it. im not sure how to change my attitude about it though. i try to say it in my head that it’s ok and maybe eventually i’ll believe it but it’s ineffective and sometimes makes me feel worse. (also my friend in the class is KICKING BUTT he’s so good the professor gives him over 100% sometimes and im like ??? I can’t even get in the IQR... ya im jealous but happy for him OBVIOUSLY but I kinda feel like my professor has decided I’m a B-/C+ student bc I keep getting kinda the same grade, even though my latest assignment was not bad?? i went to a GSI’s OH and started it early and revised and whatever but got a 1% improvement. IDK THIS IS A LONG RANT/TANGENT I’m also not trying to be salty and be like “this professor sucks he’s not giving me As” because if I don’t deserve it I’m fine with that but ok anyways moving along) the point is, things are an OK average, so why can’t i be fine with that?

it’s partially because of these bad grades, but i’m also losing motivation to do my thesis at all. and like it’s necessary to finish an ES degree. it’s literally my last requirement and I’ve done all the other classes. but I just don’t know if I want to commit a whole year to doing something I don’t want to do. I don’t think it’s that like I’m lazy or trying to get out of it just because? if that makes sense? I don’t think it’s a bad reason. I can’t find anything I want to research. we’re actually doing literal research like not a research paper. we have to write a literal mini-dissertation and shit. i’ve been a content-absorber my whole life and I just think I’m too *simple* to make a discovery. like i’m not sure if i’m GETTING ACROSS THIS CONCEPT. WE HAVE TO SPEND THE SUMMER/FALL/some of spring bc that’s when it’s due DOING LITERAL RESEARCH and this thought gives me anxiety and i’ve cried a bit over it. it’s so daunting. and I’ve tried to talk to my gsi/professor about my fears and they’re like oh it’s fun! it’ll be okay! and i’m like NO you don’t understand?? and they’re like here let’s talk about what u can do and I feel like they’re actually not getting how afraid I am of this. I don’t want to quit my major over this... I took 9 classes for this already, and it’s just one year, two semesters, six units left. but I’m just realizing how I c a n n o t do this thesis. i’m not sure what i’d do? and you can’t bullshit this like a paper. i can’t do it overnight. i have a proposal draft for this due monday and I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA HOW TO EXECUTE THIS IDEA I HAVE BECAUSE IT’S A SHITTY IDEA and wow I honestly don’t know how people do it. I’m going to my prof’s OH again this Friday and I’m really hoping he can HELP or maybe help me find an advisor because if I am doing this, there’s no way in hell I can do it alone. I don’t want it to be a pity-thing where they’re like ‘ok let me do this for u but u can put ur name on it so u can get the hell out of school’ like I actually DO want to do it but i CAN’T and I know that’s toxic, i should be like oh yeah i can do it! think of all the other ES undergrads who’ve done it, who are doing it, who will do it!! one of them is YOU!! but i’m actually so past that stage, i’m facing the reality of this deadline coming up and it’s looking really bad. really bad. i know this post has been a huge ole complaining mess but YOU KNOW WHAT i’m being honest with how i feel, even if i’m not proud of it.

i thought i got over my anxiety!! LMAO!! im sweating and the whole shebang just from writing this and thinking about my thesis. aasasoifnva. honestly i think the worst that can happen is I get a TERRIBLE grade in this class. I don’t think I can fail??? but I was okay with getting bad grades in the chem/physics classes but this one?? it’s a major req. like literally a class for JUST ES majors in spring semester of their junior year. i’m pretty sure i’m one of the lowest grades in the class based on the number of times my groups have been getting the low L O L and it’s very sad to see that i’m the one of the worst in my cohort. but anyways it’s just super disheartening like I said earlier.

so right now i’m in between feeling like it’s a waste to stop pursuing ES and it’s just another year, 6 units(, A WHOLE THESIS) to complete the degree. on the other hand, i don’t need this degree if I want to teach ES in high school, since I’m one class and a seminar away from finishing my other major. and I will get my credential at the end of my 5 years. so I don’t NEED it because teaching ES just requires a single subject credential and a bio CSET?? I don’t need it, so why put myself through the struggle and anxiety and dread and frustration and all those other wonderful feelings of self-loathing and depression? so i’m not sure what to do. I really am not.

thanks if you even read this far to my literal 3 followers. lmao. these really help me and thanks to myself for taking the time to write it, but I should get back to reality. i’m not sure what my plans are for the rest of tonight. i can try to keep pushing through with the thesis, move on to my research paper for my geography class, or cut my losses and go to bed or read or go back on youtube. i am sure that i am tired as fuck and ready to be done. actually done.

edit: I guess the real question is: what do I do now actually? I have major advising meetings with both my advisors this friday, plus office hours with my professor. do i melt down and be like PLEASE HELP ME because I see no other way other than quitting? at this point I think that’s what it is. get help or quit. I think it’s okay to be okay with knowing I can’t do it on my own two feet. but i know if i ask for help i’ll CRY and it’ll be sad and pathetic kinda but idk IDK I JUST DON’T KNOW

#musing

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