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plutoswrath · 1 year

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ᴀꜱᴛʀᴏ ᴍᴜꜱɪɴɢꜱ 2: ʟɪʟɪᴛʜ - ᴀɴᴄɪᴇɴᴛ, ᴡɪʟᴅ ᴍᴏᴛʜᴇʀ

TW: themes of abuse, power dynamics, sociology, misogyny. Astrology + politics mixed, I'm leftist after all, if that's not your cup of tea, skip this one and save yourself the rage quit lol. Women/femme presenting is an all inclusive term in this post!

So since a long time now I've been very intruiged by Lilith (mean, true, asteroid and waldemarth) but since we're most familiar with osculating Lilith and Black Moon Lilith, I will focus on these two specifically.

Keep in mind that there are multiple stories (even if it's just the tiny details that alter the story) and thus interpretations about Lilith, Lilith is also still very much unexplored in astrology.

But the stories of Lilith all do unite in the themes of demand, oppression, shame, morality, breaking free of limitations, isolation/ostracization, rage and autonomy. It’s about power dynamics, you and your raw self, all the desires and needs in relation to others/society. Lilith is described as dark and hidden because that’s exactly what we are taught to do with Lilith energy: hide it. Lilith is therefore often described as off putting, because nothing can be as uncomfortable as going against all reasoning and what you were told was ‘good’ and instead going by instinct and impulse. Lilith deals a lot with survivial. It can be both, a blessing in disguise or at times, a snake biting it’s own tail.

And before we dive deeper into Lilith, I want to say a few words on the practice of astrology, so you can get familiar with the way I use and practice it too:

Astrology is a tool to research our society/world and self, thus Lilith is a reflection of our societal circumstances and therefore you can't discuss Lilith without getting political and talking about misogyny/oppressive systems.

This does not (!) mean Lilith and its effects are limited to gender by any means, but because gender is a social construct, Lilith and it’s effects are influenced by the way we are socialized and by who we are politically. This is why people constantly find these weird power dynamics between men and women who share strong Lilith synastry in the first place.

Gender as we define it is not inherent in the stars and astrology, but our socialization will direct or at least set off the tone in which way certain astrological facts can develop potentially. This is why - very different to my usual approach - I do in fact want to highlight the performance and construct of gender in this take, because the themes of Lilith represent in the different roles and scripts that exist for men and women in our heteronormative society. It shows in the power dynamic that is created between those who are politically men and women or rather said those who are straying away from the script they we're ought to follow by those who hold more power over them. This is an universal experience that can be experienced by everyone, but I want to say that private and political self intertwine and it’s very much present in the stories of those who have experienced strong Lilith influence in their life. If you want to read further on my reasoning and understand my approach to astrology, you can read it here.

⇨ Sociology and politics aside, let’s get back to Lilith:

Naturally, because there is still a lot of mystery and complexion around Lilith, she is a very hot topic in synastry. But the assumptions of steamy sex and kinky encounters aside, and from what I've seen and studied, right now I'll go so far to say that when we deal with a (perceived) hetero relationship, it can only truly work out if the man involved absolutely sees the woman as an absolute equal and treats her as such. Even if difficulties arise and are set off by Lilith, both need to remain an be seen as an independend being with agency and acknowledge that at all times, no matter the decision. It's a choice both should commit to at the very beginning.

You think this is common sense in partnerships (should be at least) but Lilith has a very unique and personal relationship with ostracization, shame, humiliation, oppression and anger.

I often read that prominent Lilith contacts in synastry (but I'd add composite to that too!) need both partners to be healthy, functional (or at least have an idea of what that should be and look like) and communicate effectively and clearly, be vulnerable and honest. While this is definitely true, any strong Lilith energy in relationships between a woman and a man needs the man to dissect his views and held notions of women, I believe. Not that anyone should dissect and deconstruct what their internalized held beliefs of what gender, and what femme and masculine is, to begin with (duh), but I repeat my previous statement about Lilith’s themes: Lilith ultimately finds itself battling and dealing with power dynamics, because it represents you and your raw self, all the desires and needs in relation to others/society. Lilith is described as dark and hidden because that’s exactly what we are taught to do with Lilith energy: hide it.

The woman in the connection, especially if she is Lilith, will be the woman that will mentally have the man on his knees because her mere existence can challenge his previously believed authority he has on her/women, as well as the way people are wired and set in position in society. We see him questioning the ‘script’ or holding close to it like a dogma. There is (sometimes watered down) anger and resentment a man will channel towards the woman he has Lilith contact with. It can often be thoughts of ‘how dare she’ and ‘I’ll stop her before she even gets the chance to start’. As much as the escapism we search for online think this might turn out in an overly romanticzed femme fatale fantasy, reality often hits us hard when we see dysfunctional relationships unfolding right in front of us.

She will be the announcement of a possible challenge, a test of character, which he'll fail or master. It's a question of morality, for both. Because Lilith here can be the person he always dreamed of, but always has been too afraid to engage with. There is something uttrely objectifying happening when talking about lilith and it's effects, even if you don't want to, it is bound to happen living in the world we are in right now.

And this has all to do with what Lilith stands for. Especially those who have strong Liltih influence in their chart (doesn't matter which Liltih you use) - I'm talking in angular houses, on the angles, in contact to personal planets or to the chart ruler - have undeniably an interesting relationship with and effect on those people who want them to 'follow the scrip' in the way society wants it. And very important (!!): just because someone has strong Lilith influence, doesn't mean that they are in any way better or worse than other women. I want to highlight this because women with Lilith energy will get shit from anyone (!!) who has strong internalized misogyny in them. Think about the way women are raised to compete with each other and follow the script in order to survive and get by in a patriarchal society. Of course someone who's very 'Lilith' will trigger them. Same with men who encounter someone who's very 'Lilith'.

Lilith can join the club of the outsider that you'll find at the metaphorical table that is placed in an imagined highschool's cafeteria: finding her place right next to Scorpio, shaking hands with Uranus, Neptune and Pluto, nodding acknowledging to Cancer, Aquarius and Pisces.

I noticed women who have strong Lilith in their chart have had prominent themes of isolation, autonomy, exclusion and conflict in their life. Either born or forced in positions that has them relying on themselves and their gut instincts a lot (!) and the rest of their charts backed that up too. But whatever is touched by Lilith is bount to become fierce and brutal. Doesn't matter if it's natal, a transit, in composite; Lilith forces you to look within and unleash something inside of you, it works like a catalyst of some sort. Lilith also talks about demands. Think about how she demanded a different treatment, before she left the Garden Eden. Lilith's needs are that strong, that she is willing to face the brutal consequences of it. If anything, Lilith's pursue can be just as brutal (metaphorically, but perhaps phyiscally as well) as her will.

Pop astrology makes Lilith out to be solely about the physical act of intimacy, and sexuality definitely is a theme for Lilith, but not in the way people think it is, I believe.

There is an undeniable generational trauma and influence Lilith has on those who are politically a woman (all inclusive term)/femme presenting.

I will be even bolder in my claims and say that we still view Lilith through the lense society views women that ultimately choose to abandon societal and cultural prestigue and status by choosing themselves no matter what will occure, especially if it also means having to play with those societal expectations or finding their own niche in those roles and scrips they have to follow to get by. And this is not me trying to #girboss Lilith, but rather me saying that our studies still integrate and reproduce held harmful beliefs of women.

Deciding to work with Lilith is deciding to choose yourself because you see beyond the oppression and injustice, no matter what you think that might be in your life or in the life of others. The reactionary nature is most of the times caused by pushing and pulling from those who want her to follow the script. But Lilith often wants to write her own script, or at least edit what people have been given to her.

This is why, for example, women with Lilith in contact with their Juno will be known as partners that are demanding in the eyes of those who want them to act as we expect women to be in relationships. They expect commitment that borders on obedience but these individuals will eventually combust under the pressure. They will find their way to assert their own role, but at the same time they can end up with people that are inherently lilith to them in the best or worst ways. Likewise, we see celebrity men with Lilith Juno contacts that are known to be immoral lovers, not caring if the spotlights are on them or not. The whole world is gonna see, how they want to have commitment and what it requires. (not to say that you are doomed to be a horrible partner just because you have Lilith-Juno contacts, this is just one way it can manifest!)

I believe that at it’s best and it’s very essence, Lilith is not about choosing hate over love, glorifying destruction over peace and community. I truly believe that at it's core and very best, Lilith is ancient and wise, she knows - because she has wisdom that is inherent to her - what is right and wrong for her and she downright rejects the status quo because she can see beyond the limitations and power plays people have put on each other. She is the link to our gut feeling, I believe. And it acts out, whenever something doesn't sit quiet right with us, or something might feel incredibly good (for better or worse). Again, Lilith was ostracized and forced to be alone, she had to be and sit with herself. That doesn't mean Lilith is the ulterior good, but rather the 'what if you would choose to not follow the script - what if you become mindful of your own and listen within yourself.'

She is very much wild and raw and instinctual as mother earth herself is (the sadow of the moon). Remember, after all, she is according to the stories the very first woman. She is following a very deep rooted beat of a drum, a melody, that will always guide her through life, she wants to connect to her own, inherent eco system.

When I research Lilith in astrological texts and read about her, no matter which Lilith it is, it most of the time feels almost like a caricature, oddly enough. If she's not 100% girlbossyfied, she is mostly only seen as the 'evil one' (or at least very constroversial figure). Despite the fact that she indeed can be bad, it's also a role Lilith was pushed to take on too, because after all, there hasn’t been any cooperation with her. So she doesn’t cooperate and rather does her own thing (for better and worse, but as long as it feels good to her, there's probably no one who can stop her). Looking at it from a more psychological and sociological lens, Lilith's story inherently integrates the idea of 'I play the villian you always thought of me as'. Which is in itself an (unfortunate) self-fulfilling and isolating prophecy. It's not inherently a cool, but rather a cruel thing, but she had to work her way around that too, I guess.

Growing up 'Lilith', I do want to talk about the many facettes she has. I don't think that the reduction of Lilith as a mere 'sexual' indication does her justice, even if the sexual part does play a role after all. Picking up the previous point about astrology and sexuality, I wonder how the extreme sexualization and fetishization of anything a woman does plays into the sex-focused interpretations of her (but I think part of the credit has to be given to the way sexuality - especially in women - is also used as a method and commodity).

I also often read about women that are Lilith and feel very wise and mature, being a spiritual teacher to their lovers. I personally agree. I feel the wisdom and knowledge of Lilith can get twisted - either she becomes the 'crazy one' or people take away her agency and personhood and reduce her to the (sexual) magnetism that she possesses by being deeply involved and concerned with her sexual energy (aka creative energy, it's the force we connenct with when we create ANYTHING). Thus, often resulting in her being very much in touch with it.

There’s also the concept of motherhood that I keep thinking about. After all Lilith made sure to revenge her killed children by.....kiling other children? Uhh, don't know really about that move but sure, you show them that was fucked up ig.

Since Lilith is the shadow of the moon, I wonder how much our upbringing, our mother figure and motherhood influence Lilith’s energy.

And of course: the other woman. Lilith came back to the Garden Eden just to find Adam with another chick!!! After she had to leave when she wanted to be treated with basic respect. And yes, she did take revenge on Adam too, but point is that Lilith also deals with betrayal and distrust.

There is so much I could write about Lilith. I feel one can't discuss and learn about lilith without getting sociological, political and a bit psychological as well. After all, she is one of the most complex and intruiging figures out there. Controversial. The dark side of the moon.

#astro musings #astro notes #astrology notes #astro observations #Lilith #black moon lilith #oscalating lilith #bml #bml in synastry #lilith in synastry #lilith in composite #asteroids #composite #astrology #astro community

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fishtomale · 7 months

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okay so there is this piece of media i really like, essentially changed me for the better. the story has been told more than one way so there are definitely varying interpretations. it has a lot to do with repetition and failed revolutions and the apocalypse and what it means to be an adult and misconstructions of the past and memory and power dynamics and systems of oppression including but not limited to violence against women and suppression of homosexuality and gender deviance. no, the main characters aren’t directly stated to be gay but based on how their dialogue with more explicitly gay characters goes it’s pretty obvious something is going on and that they probably have feelings for someone close to them. to be fair it can be really imperfect and lacking tact with how it approaches race and the primary relationship between two characters of a different races but also it was progressive in many ways for its’ time and in many ways still is.

the setting really defines the series, it’s somewhat small but it has a lot going on. it’s a bit of microcosm of the rest of the world and definitely might be cursed.

it has this jock protagonist who comes off as not very smart to be honest but it’s definitely a coping mechanism for a lot of mental anguish and confusion and suicidal ideation in the face of loss. yeah, the main character is arguably the only one who makes any real change in the world at the end of the day.

there is this other character the protagonist is really close to, literally always by each other’s sides, honestly this supporting character is the heart of the series and one of the most well written characters i’ve ever seen, but a lot of people misinterpret them. you see there is an unequal power dynamic between the supporting character and the protagonist despite their genuine affection for each other but the fact that the protagonist wants this character to come out of their shell in order to experience some sort of personal heroism kind of indicates their lack of respect of the autonomy of this supporting character. a lot of people who engage with this piece of media on a surface level see this supporting character as lacking agency but that view really misses the nuance of how said character is repeatedly expressing their self, sense of values, and boundaries in subtle ways over and over again. the protagonist is lovable and relatable for sure, but you can’t help but have empathy for how this supporting character also kind of resents them.

yeah there are weirdly metaphorical and verbose moments that make it sort of hard to interact with and take seriously for some people but there is also plenty of goofy humor and soul crushing drama. it’s nearly impossible to correctly convey the tone to people to others and if i had to make a trigger list of triggering content in this media it’d be a mile long

yes there is a loud car.

#mish.txt #revolutionary girl utena #rgu #disco elysium

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multiplicity-positivity · 8 months

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Here’s some positivity for introjects with “cringey” or often fakeclaimed sources!

It seems like those who don’t believe plurality exists are quick to latch on to a few specific sources in order to fakeclaim or denounce a system. Systems with introjects whose sources are from “cringey” people or media are often hounded by fakeclaimers and led to feel horrible about themselves and their system. However, those who fakeclaim in all honesty know very little about plurality. The truth is, fictives, factives, and other introjects can come from a wide variety of sources - there’s not one accepted list of sources where introjects can come from. So here’s to all the introjects out there with stereotypically “cringey” sources!

If your source is from a popular media, we want to remind you that there is nothing wrong with being who you are! Introjects can come from any source, and it makes sense that more systems will have introjects from popular sources! This includes popular YouTubers, Minecraft servers, and pieces of popular media that tend to get called “cringey” like Homestuck or Warrior Cats!

If your system has trauma-formed introjects, please remember that your body and mind had to do what it could to survive. We applaud you and your whole system for making it this far! Please don’t resent yourself or any member of your system for having a source that’s outside of your control! We hope that your whole system can find peace and self-acceptance, even those with “cringey” sources!

If your system has created introjects, walk-ins, soulbonds, or other headmates who did not form from trauma, know that there is nothing wrong with being yourself! It’s okay for your system to choose to create introjects from sources others tend to fakeclaim. It’s okay if you just showed up in your system one day and found that your source is considered “cringey!” Remember that you are so loved and cherished just the way you are!

In our eyes, not only is cringe dead, but it’s okay and even cool to be what others may consider “cringey!” It’s actually good to have fun and live your best life, to embrace yourself and your headmates and accept each other for who you are. You don’t have to change at all to be deserving of love, respect, and kindness! Your life is so valuable and you are so important just the way you are!

If anything, we hope each introject with a “cringey” source can learn to validate themselves from within, instead of seeking outside validation and approval in order to be happy. Please don’t let what others think of you or your source control the way you view yourself or your system! Regardless of your source, you are real, you have agency and autonomy in your life, and your voice deserves to be heard and taken seriously. Believing this fully for yourself will be much more beneficial than relying on hearing it from others! Validating yourself can make it easier to stand up to fakeclaimers, and to keep their words and accusations from having any negative effects on you or your system.

Know that, no matter what, we believe in you - we see you, we care about you, and we believe you are a vital and important part of the plural community, no matter where your source comes from! We hope that you can come to accept yourself, treat yourself and your system with kindness, and embrace yourself as you are, cringe and all! Thanks so much for reading, and have a lovely day!

#multiplicity #plurality #pluralgang #actuallyplural #system positivity #plural positivity #plural pride #system pride #introjects #fictives #factives #fakeclaiming

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glacierclear · 11 months

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im sorry i need to dump all my thoughts about ada x leon somewhere for personal fulfillment reasons,

big disclaimer: resident evil canon/lore is inconsistent and my feelings/thoughts on all this is NOT me stating it as fact. It's 99% speculation and me interpreting context. I'm just having fun!

it's really wild that i started my resident evil experience hating Ada. I did not understand her character and the way she's portrayed is very inconsistent and confusing (probably on purpose) and, like many others, I assumed the choices she made and the pain she inflicted on others was malicious and intentional.

But something clicked recently,,,I understand now that she didn't choose this life. She doesn't WANT to be a spy. She doesn't WANT to be a mercenary. Everything she was and everything she had was taken and stripped from her. She doesn't even have a real name anymore. I think seeing the small insight of her backstory in the biohazard manga really put all the pieces together and brain blasted me with understanding. Her entire character (to me, at least!) revolves around survival and self-preservation. She is a SELFISH character, not because of ego or power, but because of a LACK of power. She no longer has autonomy over her life in a way that matters and so the only thing left for her is to stay alive.

And I just think that ties so beautifully with Leon's struggles. Both of them being forced into this life where they have to live and die at the hands of the people who control them. And, listen...listen...it's overdramatic as fuck and a VERY idealistic/romanticized interpretation of their relationship, but honestly it makes me hella emotional thinking about Leon potentially being one of the few things in life Ada wants to live for other than herself. Him being the only person in the entire series who has ever shown her genuine, selfless kindness and care,,, and the fact that her circumstance and the trappings of her life forced her to betray him and she has to live with that guilt and has to come to terms with the fact that she will never genuinely connect with people because who even is she anymore? She has no sense of self.

And her entire campaign in RE6 resonates me in such a weirdly poignant and impactful way. RE6 has some WONKED UP writing and it's so silly and stupid; but I think if it was tweaked a little bit it would be a genuinely moving story about a woman losing her agency and bodily autonomy to a violent man who wants to own her and her fighting with his fabricated, demented vision of her. It's a manifestation of his greed and possession...and then she kills her clone and immediately after she sees Leon again and his first immediate instinct is to protect her and sacrifice himself again for her and throw himself into MORE bullets for her even after the betrayal of RE2 ........ and then after that she finally snaps and FINALLY chooses to fight for HER morals and HER justice by killing Simmons' bioweapon.

Like, listen, I hate the trope of "woman traumatized being saved by a man" in most cases, but something about the way I see Leon and Ada just makes SENSE man.

The fact that she specifically goes out of her way COUNTLESS times to protect him and save him and none of it is enough to get him to forgive her. None of it will ever be enough but she keeps trying anyways. Like, damn, his entire mission is Spain is only possible because Ada saved his ass like...four times??? And you can make reasonable arguments that she doesn't care about him he's only important for her mission, and to be honest I think that interpretation is also valid, but for me personally I just think she cares about him so much but it's in his best interest to continue believing she doesn't care.

And I just want them to be happy. But it will probably never work out between them, just due to everything...they can't escape their lives. They're both kept alive by two opposing morality systems. Leon's guilt and unyielding need to fight for truth and innocence and to protect everyone he's lost and everyone who depends on him. And Ada to hold onto herself and what whittling remains of self-identity and independence she still has when it was all taken from her, even to the point of someone making a damn clone out of her.

Man I just love them so much I'M SO EMOTIONAL!!!!!!!

#shut up glacier

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kaonarvna · 7 months

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We found it: a world that abhors you and I.

I've always liked the copies. It's a shame there's not more copy-content.

I always have to wonder where they begin and Genesis ends—Lazard took on parts of Angeal's mind, not just his body, after all. How much autonomy do these boys have over themselves? How much agency did they have in choosing to take on those damned genes? Were they lied to? Genesis was, over and over again. Was being shown Genesis' decay enough to turn them against the hand that fed and enhanced them?

They must have had so much trust and faith in Genesis to follow him to world's end. They knew exactly what they were up against: SHINRA; SOLDIER; the most cruel weapons and propaganda machines man had ever conceived.

Brothers killing brothers. This was the War of Beasts prophecy warned Him about, and it came with blood, and blood, and blood. The beginning of the end.

By the time that white decay set in, would there be anything left of the SECONDs and THIRDs that used to be? Or would what little remained have rotted away, replaced by panic and fear and obedience to the only goal left: pray the Gift will heal him (heal all of them)?

I like to think of them finding comfort the dark, wet, cold caverns below Banora. A place they might have a sense that home should have been, for someone. Rotting there, together, when they could no longer find the strength to fight (nor eat, nor drink, nor preen those massive wings). I like to think, that even if they had lost all semblance of self and individuality, that there is comfort in numbers, in having someone just like you to die with. Comfort in having someone just as terrified and hopeless to die with. Did they know, at that point of degradation, that they weren't Him? Did they know, the Gift wasn't coming?

And I wonder: did all of the Angeal copies leave them? What was that day like, when the last Angeal copy realised, as Lazard did, the nightmare it had been born into? That they couldn't fight that war, not end it? What pain was there, every time Angeal left them, again and again and again?

That was a long seven years.

At least they weren't alone. Genesis wasn't completely alone. But maybe being surrounded by the dying bodies of not-quite-himself was even worse than isolation would have been.

#genesis rhapsodos #ffvii genesis #ff7 genesis #final fantasy crisis core #crisis core #ff7 headcanons #ff7 fanart #ffvii fanart #fanart #digital art #art #i'm very normal about this #I've spent a very normal amount of time thinking about Genesis #This definitely isn't a more than a decade long hyperfixation #knv art

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scoobydoodean · 5 months

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I like Sam, but when I try to find other Sam fans, their view of him is soooo far from Sam. Do you have any ideas why? I'm talking, wet and sopping, Christ-figure, wifey/Omega Sammy. It seems so prevalent. Why?

I think from a bird's-eye view, samgirls tend to be people interested in inescapable dark destiny. If fate is pre-determined, nothing you do is ever really your fault and you're really just a perpetual victim with no agency. All your choices are more like things that were "forced" on you/happened to you instead of things you chose to do. This is a pitfall Sam tends to drop right into when he analyses his own decisions, and it's also pretty much the antithesis of Dean, who doesn't believe in destiny and has an overactive sense of responsibility that stands in sharp contrast to Sam's tendency to shift blame for his choices.

Many samgirls buy into Sam's self-deceit and his tendency to foist blame onto Dean through Dean's parentification. They buy into the illusion that Dean's parentification gives him power over Sam, and they hate it for Sam but simultaneously enjoy it from an aesthetic "helpless victim" character/power imbalance perspective. They hear demons and sometimes Sam and Dean themselves saying everything that Sam does/that happens to Sam is Dean's fault (ex: Sam saying it's Dean's fault that he wants revenge on the demon in 1.22, Sam saying it's Dean's fault that he drank demon blood in 4.04 and 5.05) and instead of seeing the underlying manipulation and self-esteem issues/Dean's overactive sense of responsibility, they see it as confirmation that Sam really is a perpetual victim with no autonomy.

Samgirls also tend to overlap with the wincest community more than anyone and tend to share a fondness for themes like religious guilt/losing one's "purity", and Sam's demon blood storyline and his canonical feelings about the lack of "purity" of his blood + isolation gives them a good foundation to explore those interests.

#parentification #mail

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sophieinwonderland · 11 months

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Revisiting Pearl's Plurality in A Single Pale Rose: Separating Canon and Headcanon

Apparently the issue with my previous Pearl posts is that I presented my first post as being canon. And after thinking it over, yeah. That's fair. I did do that. So I just wanted to go over this and look at what's actually canon and what's not.

Definition: Before beginning, my own definition of plurality is that plurality is multiple self-conscious and autonomous agents sharing the same body. Self-conscious means they have at least a rudimentary sense of self and are able to identify themselves as themselves.

Canon: Pearl has multiple Pearls inside her head.

Canon: The first Pearl in her head, the one I've dubbed Keeper Pearl, has a clear 1st person perspective, referring to her phone being taken by an "other me."

Canon: The Pearl who took the phone acted outside of the control or even knowledge of the others, demonstrating agency.

Headcanon: I refer to her Plurals. The use of the term "plural" in reference to Pearl obviously doesn't appear in the show.

Canon: Many of the inner Pearls were locked at some sort of traumatic moment in her history.

Canon: Neither the front Pearl nor Keeper Pearl have knowledge of what happened to the phone. The Pearl who took it was able to act outside of their knowledge or awareness.

Headcanon: The memory separation as "dissociative barriers." This is not described as "dissociative barriers" in the show, but I used them in reference to one headmate not remembering what was done by another headmate. While it's canon that some of the Pearls don't remember actions taken by other Pearls, it's not technically confirmed that the barriers are dissociative.

Supporting Subtext: I think it's likely that Keeper Pearl saying "I am very good at compartmentalizing everything" was in reference to dissociative compartmentalization. The writers clearly had a solid understanding of PTSD and trauma as we see in Steven Universe Future, and Pearl's line having a double meaning referring to the way these different Pearls inside are dissociated from each other makes sense.

Canon: The inner War Pearl has a different view on the fight at the Strawberry Battlefield than front Pearl in Rose's Scabbard. In Rose's Scabbard, Pearl sees the result of the battle as a glorious victory, while War Pearl is traumatized by the loss after it was over.

Headcanon: This is evidence of "emotional amnesia." That is, Pearl dissociated from and buried the memory of the loss. The front Pearl is only focused on the victory and fighting beside Rose against Homeworld, but doesn't connect with the memory of the aftermath. The War Pearl is still in there and remembers, but she's buried deep down.

Conclusion: It's canon that there are multiple Pearls in Pearl's head with their own autonomy and self-awareness. It's canon that these Pearls can act outside of the awareness of other Pearls. I maintain that the internal experience depicted in the canon fits my personal definition of plurality. I also believe that the memory barriers are dissociative in nature, but this isn't actually confirmed and it could technically just as easily be a result of the unique tech/magic of the gems that allows these separate Pearls to take actions in the inner world without the other Pearls knowing about it.

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eldritch-spouse · 8 months

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I don't usually interact with "succubus/incubus" esque monsters in my monster-loving ventures because I feel weird about them being designed to fulfill others desires. Almost like they can't have boundaries?

I usually enjoy your writing so I read some of your succubus stories of Santi and Vesper, and though I'm still not exactly a 'lust-monster cheerleader' I find myself enjoying them with less of my usual hangups!

I really like how you convey the monsters as enjoying the activity outside of just sex = sexual pleasure = all good folks!

The idea that pleasure/lust gives them pleasure isn't new but the way you write it is refreshing in allowing an easier suspension of disbelief.

With how depraved and lust-driven you make the monsters it's easier to believe that they really do enjoy all the kinks their prey enjoys and are within their comfort zone. Instead of some objectified fantasy of a sex-doll coming to life but still being just a sex-doll, it only comes to life to make the person feel wanted and less of a loser (nothing wrong with those who partake in those fantasies every now and again but I personally don't like it, especially when it's repetitive and still no personality).

By giving them personalities that aren't just "sexsexsexsexsex" or some facet of it (so many succubus/incubus characters tend to fall back on the trope personalities traits of charisma, self-absorbed, shallow) you make them more fleshed out without losing the idea that they still are lust-driven.

Also, kudos for sticking to your guns about them being sexually polyamorous (though not always romantically poly) because it makes sense!!!! So many stories seem to go with the idea that once they find The One they'll be monogamous (and if people want to read that then good for them it's their preference), but being sexually polyamorous makes sense and doesn't negate the meaningfulness of their relationship any!!

You don't shy away from what it means to be a Lust Monster, which I really appreciate as someone who is into monster loving for how 'other' the monsters act (not just look).

It also allows them some agency in a way? I can't really explain it but something about you not disregarding their monstrous aspects or expecting them to change and loving them for it. Something about not expecting a beast that feeds on lust to conform to your perception of the world. Something about not controlling or owning them. Something about how their species give pleasure to receive pleasure and you can't physically withstand enough of their pleasure-giving for them to receive enough pleasure so you give them pleasure in a way by encouraging them to receive it elsewhere. Something about adapting to their ways of affection & love based in pleasure as they adapt to yours based outside of it and both of you being better off for it.

I do wonder;

Does Vesper have any boundaries (in relationships or otherwise), even if they're not sexual?

Does he ever have a moment where the realisation that his spouse isn't just in it for the sexual gratification he can offer them or the power of being with him fully sets in? That he isn't just lust-worthy but love-worthy? I imagine he is loved by many but probably for his capabilities, his power, or the persona he displays. But to be loved for something other than what he can give/serve others?

(I may be coming to the realisation that this aversion to lust-monsters could have something to do with the uncomfortable familiarity of being loved for the servitude you offer and not for who you are)

Would he react in any particular way?

[Ohhh lord, this is huge (no offense genuinely), so I'm going to keep the answer under a read more and divide it so people can tell when I'm talking about Vesper.]

I'm going to be real, I actually like the idea of monsters who are genuine sex creatures. Creations that exist solely to please sexually and have little to no autonomy as well as a basically non-existent sense of self. But that already comes from my somewhat present objectification/mindbreak fetish. I did laugh when you talked about the "fantasy of a sex doll coming to life", because I could get into that. I know perfectly well that a character of this caliber would be extremely one-dimensional, and therefore a bit of a "one-trick pooch" that I can't poke and prod at too much unless I give them a personal development arc that is quite profound.

I agree with you in the sense that, even if just subconsciously, I've always felt like people weren't really exploring the lust monster trope too much. Or maybe I just wanted to put my own very different spin on it. (This is a bit rich of me to say, considering I've intentionally reduced Gluttony to what amounts to "heehee hungy :)))" instead of "overbearing indulgence".)

I enjoy trying to translate their view of the world into terms we can understand. Sex isn't just a recreational commodity for them, it's food, it's a basic necessity, it's their bread and butter- Even a science! But it's also trivial. Sexual cheating just isn't a thing for concubi, unless one of them has entered some sort of exclusivity agreement, for whatever reason.

I like the idea of there always being a healthy amount of "pros" and "cons" in all types of monsters, it keeps them balanced and more two dimensional as characters, and it makes for a very good base when it comes to world-building. (Keep in mind I'm talking out of my ass, I have no formal/professional insight on any of this.) Sure, you can have a concubus as a partner, it'll be the best sex of your life, you'll find new sides of your carnality you never saw before and you'll be able to withstand some acts that would break your physical limits- But you'll get quite literally drained of your life if you insist on being their only meal. But you can and will become hypersexual depending on the circumstances. But there's quite a bit of social stigma. But many of them are afraid of commitment. But kids might never be on the table. Etcetera.

That makes things more interesting, doesn't it?

I'm a firm believer that perverted characters can have depth to their personality, sex-driven narratives can have interesting premises or twists and a wide variety of personalities that serve to enhance the smut, you know? In fact, you should strive to make these lust monsters as distinct as possible, so that they don't all fall under the same umbrella of repetitive humdrum smut. There's nothing sadder than a sexual setting that falls flat on its ass because you can predict everything.

I'm not going to lie, I think the idea of them becoming exclusively attached to you romantically and sexually can work- But in a very toxic and "horror-esque" setting where the concubus is so mentally ill with their hyperfixation that you end up dying eventually because they don't acknowledge your limits and simply keep shattering you for their own gain/pleasure.

Thank you for the insight though! I'm very happy you find some sort of novelty in the way I portray these characters!

When it comes to Vesper, you have to remember he's a bit of a romantic.

Both him and Santi are given how much contact they used to have in the past, how Vesper helped mold Santi into someone better. Naturally, Santi is more of a romantic than the King for a couple of reasons I can't get into right now or I'll risk making this response longer than it needs to be. They're both also yandere, keep that in mind.

From the very start, Vesper is extremely affectionate with you and quick to profess his love. He expects you to want to be with him for the sex, obviously, but he also desperately wants you to return his love and he thinks he can get you to love him with enough pleasure and pleasantries.

Since we're talking about an Icon, Vesper doesn't really make a strong separation between "what he can give others/receive from them" and "who he is". Icons are less two dimensional than standard characters, so whether you love him because you like Vesper as a person or because he makes you feel like nobody else in bed, it's all the same to him- Because it kind of is the same in his mind.

Maybe I'm not being too clear, but I hope it's understandable.

Boundaries... It kind of depends? I'll ramble.

You're romantically monogamous to him as he is to you, but there can be a polyamorous dynamic at some point, if desired;

His mark is the only one to ever stay on your body;

On the realm of preferences, you know he doesn't really like to have sex while he's clothed because clothes are unappealing to him;

He doesn't like it when you wear chasity devices;

He won't humor castration as a fetish for you or him specifically;

Don't portray him chastely;

It really does depend on the situation, because Vesper will gladly let you refer to him as a "brainless fucktoy" or nothing more than cocks on legs, or something equally derogatory that suggests he's not even a person.

As the embodiment of depravity, he's bound to only get more aroused by his own consistent dehumanization, so the demonlord's boundaries end up being things you wouldn't really expect, you know?

#Vesper oc #sexc-snail

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sweetkpopmusings · 1 year

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joshua best friend headcanons <3

a/n: this best friends series is giving me so much serotonin, and i love to see others enjoying it!! joshua is so cringe (said lovingly) and i am so very fond of him :,-) my break from work is over after today, so my posts will probably not be as frequent, but i promise this series will continue !! pics not mine <3

content: fluff | wc: 0.8k | warnings: none! | pairing: bestfriend!joshua x gn!reader | requests: open

he's the type of best friend that sees you two as a team

yes, he refers to you both as "the dream team" constantly

and he says it with his whole chest each time

like when one of his members asks what he did on the break, he'll answer "oh, y'know, just got the dream team back together"

they just respond (probably preceded by an eyeroll) "how's y/n doing?"

they're so unfazed by it but they'll tease him about it if you're around. if you join them at an event or a hangout, when you walk in the room they'll cheer because "the dream team is back together again!!!"

they're so dramatic but shua is eating it up actually

unironically will ask you, "is he bothering you, queen/king/my liege?"

he thinks it's so funny like it doesn't matter if you think it's funny he will stick with that bit forever

because he actually does care if people or things are bothering you

he will ask you how you are doing all the time

and he wants genuine answers

he'd never push you or anything like that, but he isn't asking you out of politeness or routine

as your best friend, he is dedicated to your wellbeing

he's so invested in supporting you

if you're trying to overcome a problem, develop a new skill, or complete some random 30-day challenge, joshua is right behind you the whole time

he'll send you encouraging messages, look out for tips he can send your way, and sometimes he'll even take part in it himself!!

truly a great cheerleader to have in your life :,-)

creates traditions for you two

he knows that life is wild and it can be hard to get together and talk as much as you want to

so he ensures that, regardless of what's going on, you two have things that bring you together

it could be based on a shared interest! maybe you both really like this one youtube channel, so you always watch the new content together

i would not be surprised in the slightest if he signed y'all up for silly subscription boxes

like yes there's a monthly service that sends you mini science experiments and yes joshua got you both a year-long plan and yes he expects "shua & y/n's science session" to be a whole event every time

it was somewhat of a joke at first because shua loves being ridiculous but you both ended up loving it so much that you looked forward to each new box

he's very protective of you <3

he's always looking out for you, so he is pretty invested in how people treat you

whether it's in the workplace, in your friend circles, in romantic relationships, and even in your family (bio, chosen, or otherwise)

he wouldn't meddle in your relationships, but he's not afraid to speak up if someone is not treating you with the respect and care you deserve

he always respects your decisions, but he will never hold back an opinion that is for your benefit.

he won't get mad if you disagree with him either like he's the king of promoting autonomy, agency, and self-respect <333

he works hard to earn your trust, which is why you trust his judgment

and he goes to you for the same thing

he nevers wants you to beat around the bush with him

your bond is too special for superficial pleasantries like that

you both know each other so well that it only makes sense to be transparent with one another

which is why he'll come to you with some of his biggest concerns, insecurities, etc

because you're the one person who can see him for who he is without him worrying about putting on a persona or performance

and he's so grateful to you for that, more than he could ever express

so after a heart-to-heart he'll just look you directly in the eyes and say a soft yet strong "thank you"

and then make a lil joke because whoa it got real serious and he's a lighthearted guy

takes a lot of pictures of you / you two together !

he will send you the pictures where you are making a funny face and threaten to use it as blackmail <3

if you try to do the same he'll just go "good luck, i'm beautiful in everything :-)"

and you're like yes but have you considered you're also an idiot <3

runs ideas by you for weird things he can do to shock his members

he knows the water bits always kill, but he's looking to take things to the Next. Level. so he's scheduling a meeting with you to walk through his bit prototypes and maybe even doing some trial runs with you

he's taking it so seriously and you're like wow you're a dumbass and he's like "thank you so much so what was your rating on the tearaway pants trick again?"

boy has a clipboard and everything i swear

joshua is just such a funny and strange guy who wants to add value to your life because you bring so much to his!! he'll always be there for you, rain or shine, and he reminds you constantly of how special you are :,-)

joshua if you're taking applications for besties please let me know and i'll submit my resume asap!!!

#seventeen #seventeen headcanons #bestfriend!seventeen #seventeen imagines #svt #joshua #seventeen joshua #seventeen fluff #seventeen x reader #joshua x reader #joshua fluff #svt joshua #svt headcanons #seventeen au #svt au #joshua hong #sweetkpopmusings

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hrizantemy · 21 days

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CHOICES IN THE “A COURT OF THORNS AND ROSES” SERIES

When someone experiences a series of situations where their choices are consistently limited or overridden, it can deeply affect their perception of autonomy. Even when presented with options, they may instinctively feel as though they have no real say in the matter. This sense of learned helplessness can permeate every aspect of their decision-making process, creating a mental framework where choice becomes an illusion rather than a reality.

Imagine a person who has repeatedly been denied agency in significant life events: perhaps they grew up in a controlling environment where their desires were dismissed, or they were in a relationship where their partner made all the decisions without consideration for their wishes. Over time, this individual internalizes the belief that their choices don't matter, that their voice holds no weight in the grand scheme of things. Even when presented with a seemingly open opportunity, they may hesitate, second-guessing themselves and defaulting to a mindset of resignation.

The psychological impact of having choices stripped away can be profound. It erodes confidence, fosters indecision, and breeds a sense of powerlessness. The individual may find themselves trapped in a cycle of passivity, unable to assert themselves even when the opportunity arises. It's as if their mind has been conditioned to expect restriction and limitation, preemptively surrendering to the perceived inevitability of their circumstances.

In such a state, even when others assure them of their freedom to choose, the person may struggle to believe it. Their past experiences act as a lens through which they view the world, distorting their perception of agency and possibility.

Rhysand with Feyre: In the first book, "A Court of Thorns and Roses," Rhysand initially appears to be an antagonist, coercing Feyre into a bargain where she spends one week per month with him in the Night Court. Despite Feyre's objections, Rhysand's power and authority make her feel like she has no choice but to comply. This dynamic demonstrates how someone in a position of power can manipulate another's perception of choice, even if it's presented as an agreement.

Tamlin with Feyre: Throughout the series, Tamlin, Feyre's former lover, exhibits controlling behavior. In "A Court of Mist and Fury," Tamlin's overprotectiveness and attempts to confine Feyre within the safety of his estate stifle her independence. He disregards her desires and decisions, assuming he knows what's best for her. This leads to Feyre feeling suffocated and ultimately rebelling against his authority, reclaiming her agency.

Cassian with Nesta: Cassian, a warrior in the Night Court, has a complex relationship with Nesta in "A Court of Silver Flames." He often tries to protect and guide her, but his efforts sometimes come across as domineering. For example, Cassian intervenes in Nesta's training without her consent, assuming he knows what's best for her. While his intentions may be noble, his actions can reinforce Nesta's belief that her choices are secondary to others' judgments of her capabilities.

In "A Court of Silver Flames," there is a pivotal moment where Feyre locks Nesta in the house in an attempt to protect her. After Nesta's descent into darkness following the traumatic events of the war and the loss of their father, Feyre becomes increasingly concerned for her sister's well-being. Nesta's reckless behavior, fueled by grief and self-destructive tendencies, worries Feyre deeply.

Feeling helpless in the face of Nesta's downward spiral, Feyre resorts to drastic measures to keep her sister safe. In a moment of desperation and frustration, Feyre locks Nesta in the house, hoping to prevent her from putting herself in harm's way. This action stems from Feyre's love for her sister and her fear of losing her to the darkness consuming her.

However, this act of confinement reflects Feyre's assumption that she knows what's best for Nesta, disregarding her sister's autonomy and agency. While Feyre's intentions may be rooted in protection and concern, her decision to imprison Nesta ultimately exacerbates their strained relationship and fuels Nesta's feelings of resentment and isolation.

In the "A Court of Thorns and Roses" series, the theme of choice is indeed complex and often fraught with hypocrisy. Throughout the books, characters grapple with the notion of autonomy and agency, both for themselves and for others. What emerges is a nuanced exploration of how individuals justify or condemn the limitation of choices depending on their own biases, desires, or perceived justifications.

One striking example of this hypocrisy is evident in the treatment of Feyre and Nesta. While Feyre's choices are often scrutinized and sometimes overridden by those around her, particularly by individuals who claim to act in her best interests, the same leniency is not extended to Nesta. Feyre's decisions are frequently questioned and challenged, yet when Nesta attempts to assert her own autonomy or make choices that diverge from others' expectations, she is often met with condemnation or criticism.

This double standard highlights the selective nature of empathy and understanding within the series. Characters justify their actions by claiming to protect or guide others, yet their motivations are often driven by their own agendas or insecurities. The result is a cycle of hypocrisy where individuals justify stripping away the choices of others while insisting on their own right to autonomy.

This decision to keep Feyre in the dark about her own pregnancy is made under the guise of protection, with the inner circle assuming they know what's best for her and the baby. However, their actions reveal a disregard for Feyre's autonomy and the importance of open communication within their relationships. By denying Feyre the right to know about her pregnancy, they effectively strip her of the opportunity to make informed decisions about her own body and future.

In contrast, when Nesta speaks out about the pregnancy, she faces harsh consequences. Her attempt to bring the truth to light is met with threats and punishment from members of the inner circle, who view her actions as a betrayal of their collective decision. This disparity in treatment highlights the hypocrisy within the group dynamics, where certain individuals are allowed to exercise agency and speak their minds while others are silenced and punished for doing the same.

The inner circle's handling of Feyre's pregnancy underscores the complexities of power dynamics and the ways in which individuals justify their actions based on their own biases and motivations. While they claim to act in Feyre's best interest by withholding information, their actions ultimately reflect a lack of respect for her autonomy and a disregard for the importance of open communication within their relationships. In contrast, Nesta's defiance exposes the hypocrisy within the group, challenging their authority and calling into question the fairness of their decisions and actions.

The theme of choices is unevenly portrayed at times, with certain characters' actions seemingly justified or glorified while others are condemned or overlooked. This inconsistency can give the impression that the theme of choices serves more as a narrative device to elevate certain characters rather than a consistent exploration of moral agency and accountability.

One aspect that contributes to this perception is the characterization of certain individuals as inherently "good" or "heroic," regardless of their actions. Characters like Rhysand and the members of the inner circle are often portrayed as morally righteous, with their choices framed as necessary sacrifices for the greater good. Their decisions to withhold information or take matters into their own hands are often justified by their intentions to protect their loved ones or achieve a greater purpose.

In contrast, characters like Nesta are frequently depicted as antagonistic or morally ambiguous, with their choices and actions scrutinized and criticized by other characters. Even when Nesta's motivations align with the greater good or stem from a desire to protect her family, her defiance and independence are often portrayed as flaws rather than strengths.

This uneven portrayal of characters' choices can detract from the complexity of the theme and undermine its effectiveness in prompting meaningful reflection and discussion. Instead of presenting a nuanced exploration of moral agency and the consequences of one's actions, the theme of choices may serve more as a vehicle for character development and plot progression, with certain characters positioned as heroes or villains based on their adherence to a predetermined moral code.

#anti acotar #anti acosf #anti inner circle #anti feysand #anti rhysand #anti cassian #anti azriel #anti amren #anti morrigan #anti nessian #pro nesta #nesta archeron deserves better

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johannestevans · 4 months

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Rescue Dogs

Do you like traumatised young men with no sense of agency or bodily autonomy? Of course you do.

Do you enjoy a narrative where the once-chosen one has to live with not being chosen anymore, not being important anymore, no longer being the hero everybody wants and needs? Do you enjoy a narrative where, having been chewed up and spit out by their destiny, that ex-hero wonders if they should ever have been a hero at all?

Do you like the idea of the aforementioned mentally unstable young man stalking his ex-PE teacher, who he tried desperately to get to fuck him at school, but never would? Do you like the idea of that ex-teacher, lonely and isolated and miserable and more than a bit self-loathing, finally giving in and actually fucking him?

Do you like reading about abuse victims trying to come to terms with everything that's been done to them? The ways in which they've been failed - and the ways in which their instinct is to fail others? Do you like seeing characters who are utterly fucked up by being CSA victims, but are trying their best anyway?

Do you like when one member of an honestly fucked up and unbalanced relationship is trying desperately to convince his more vulnerable partner to seek help? Go to therapy? Realise that he deserves better?

Do you like it when men identify just a bit too much with abused dogs?

If the answer to any or all of the above is yes, I think you might really like my serial, Rescue Dogs, which is about all that shit and more, and you can read it online for free!

Rescue Dogs

Rated E, M/M. Cecil Hobbes finally gets Valorous King to try a new adventure: therapy. Cecil Hobbes, an ex-PE teacher disgraced and looked down on in his hometown, has a new partner: Sir Valorous King, a knight of the realm, once a child of prophecy, and Cecil’s stalker. A few months into their relationship, Cecil finally convinces Valorous to see a therapist, on the condition that Cecil attend one himself.

Read on Ao3 (free) / / Read on Medium (paid) / / Read on WorldAnvil (free)

Want to give it a try?

First chapter is here:

It wasn’t accurate to say that Cecil Hobbes had never lived with someone in his house before. Of course he had – he’d never been married in his life, and by definition none of his relationships really lasted more than two or three years, but he’d had lads in his house, over the years, here and there.

For a few months at a time, he’d had old army mates stay in the house while they got back on their feet and found a job elsewhere; he’d had lads whose families had kicked them out, or who couldn’t make up money for rent on their own flats.

And he usually had dogs, tended to have at least one, sometimes two or three.

Cecil was a man who liked to be on his own, but to be on his own didn’t mean that he needed to be the only person around. He’d grown up in a crowded house as a young lad, a lot of his older brothers still around – then they’d all gotten jobs, Randall and Vic had died, and suddenly it had just been him in the house with his mum and dad, and it’d been… Odd.

In the army, though, you were never on your own even if you were on your own, and it was the same once he was teaching.

But he’d never—

It was his house.

He’d bought it, took out the mortgage as soon as he’d started teaching in Lashton, and he’d put all his savings into it to make sure he could fucking pay off the thing – which was why he had no money now, yeah, but also meant he had a house to come back to once he was out of the nick. Even when there were people in his house, seventeen-year-olds he’d fucked twice and then let sleep in the spare room while they were studying for their exams, or old mates he’d served with who were knocking on doors all around until someone hired them, they were guests, whether they stayed for three weeks or a year and a half.

Valorous King, with whom Cecil Hobbes was recently involved, invited himself into Cecil’s house like it belonged to him too.

The first time he’d come in, it’d had been after drugging Cecil with a poisoned cigarette and knocking him out – the intention had been to make him dinner, dose him with some sort of souped-up magical Viagra, and make sure that Cecil fucked him.

He’d gotten distracted, though, by the state of Cecil’s house. Cecil’s house, which since he’d come back from the nick had gotten messier and dirtier because he didn’t have many friends any longer and he didn’t bring anyone he fucked home with him: he’d come in, seen it was filthy, seen there were bottles and cans and fag packets everywhere, seen there were piled up dirty dishes, dirty clothes, and like he was a born fucking housewife, he’d just started cleaning it all up.

Cecil had woken up groggy and out of it to a cooked dinner waiting for him in the oven, and his very own infamous stalker telling him he’d done his washing and put out all his bins.

It’d been months since then.

Cecil’s house was cleaner that it had been since he’d fucking bought it, all of his clothes clean and pressed and put away, all of his fucking documents and records organised and put into file boxes.

He’d always been quite a neat guy, depression notwithstanding, and he didn’t actually have all that many possessions in the house, but Valorous took cleanliness and neatness to the extreme.

He kept having arguments with the dog.

“Ruby!” said Valorous, and Cecil looked up from the paper, watching as Valorous came into the house either from work or the gym – he smelt of sweat and heat and his skin was shiny with it, and Cecil’s hands twitched with the urge to pull him up the stairs to fuck him while he was still tired, lick the sweat off his chest.

Ruby had been chained up in a yard for the first two years of her life, was intermittently shouted at and beaten by the family she’d come from, was terrified of kids and other dogs. She didn’t know what to make of Valorous King – she needed a calm, easygoing hand, not a fucking neurotic little prick.

“Why’s your toy on the floor?” Valorous asked, brandishing a squeaky carrot. Ruby was stood on her feet with her head forward, her big brown eyes doleful as she looked up at him, and she nervously wagged her tail. “It goes in here.”

Valorous put the toy in the labelled box – he’d bought her a set of three kids’ toy troughs, split into squeaky toys and plushes, balls, and chew toys. Cecil had only bought her a set of three to see what she liked – Valorous bought her new toys all the time. As soon as he put the carrot in its box, he frowned, getting to his knees and swapping toys between the boxes, putting them where they were supposed to be.

Ruby stayed on her feet, watching him cautiously, and then slowly came forward, reached into a box, and took the carrot out.

“Are you playing with it?” Valorous asked sternly.

“She still doesn’t really get how to play with toys, kid,” said Cecil quietly. “She just likes to hold them.”

Valorous reached out, and it was funny, watching them be nervous of each other – Valorous was careful about holding the carrot by the corner, staying away from Ruby’s mouth.

Ruby dropped the carrot and left it in his hand.

Valorous gave it one squeak, smiling when Ruby’s ears tipped up and her mouth opened in more of a smile, and then he threw it – Ruby watched it sail across the room, politely baffled, and then looked back into the box.

“No, no, Ruby, we’re playing with the carrot,” said Valorous.

Ruby picked up a toy scarecrow and looked at him hopefully.

“Ruby, get the—”

“Good girl, Rubes,” said Cecil, and watched the way her face lit up, her tail wagging a little bit more, her ears perking up even more. She still didn’t wag her tail like another dog might, but they’d get there.

She wasn’t pissing on the floor inside anymore, had mostly grasped that she had to go outside for that, although she still didn’t ask enough for Cecil’s liking, so he was taking her out several more times a day than she really needed – the third or fourth time she’d pissed on the floor in the kitchen Valorous had burst into tears out of sheer frustration, and Cecil had sent him back to bed to keep him from making her even more nervous than she was.

She’d kept trying to lick his face as he’d scrubbed the tile after, her whole body shaking, neither of them having any fucking idea what to do with each other.

Valorous looked back at Cecil, his face pinched.

“Take the scarecrow,” he said.

“But she won’t chase it.”

“So don’t throw it. Just take it and hold it out to her.”

When Valorous did, Ruby mouthed at the scarecrow’s head, chewing on the corner of it, looked mostly down but kept glancing up at Valorous’ face. Valorous squeaked the toy, and she jumped, but then took the scarecrow by the head and tugged it back, taking it back to her bed and lying down.

“She looks so sad all the time,” complained Valorous, going to pick up the carrot and putting it in its box.

“She isn’t,” said Cecil, and got to his feet, dropping the paper aside. “She’s being rehabilitated, lad. She’s not gonna act like a normal dog for a while – may be that she never does. It’s not her fault.”

“I’m not saying it is! Just— Doesn’t it make you feel bad? Looking at her? And she’s… sad?”

“Broken?”

“She’s not broken,” Valorous snapped.

“No,” Cecil agreed, not smiling but feeling the urge. “Come upstairs, I want to choke you while I fuck you.”

* * *

Cecil worked in a gym three or four days a week – recently, it had been four days more often than it was three, and now and then he even worked five. It was taking time, what with the reputation he had around Lashton at this point, but it wasn’t exactly a big fancy gym where people really gave a fuck who or what he was, and no matter how much some of them disliked him, he was good at training, good at fighting, good at what he did.

Sometimes, people came in and sneered and asked if he was that nonce, and he shrugged and said, “People call me that, don’t mean it’s true,” and put them to work if they didn’t walk out immediately.

Then they’d hear him working with other guys, pushing them hard, and they’d change their tune a bit, ask him for notes.

Valorous King, though, was a cop. He mostly worked murders and violent crime, and despite what an active little fuck he was, he did a lot of his work within the office – he collated data and evidence, put his freaky, analytical mind to contradicting statements and marked them out.

Cecil was fully aware that when Valorous King did interrogations, he got results – he was also aware that when he’d joined up, a sort of shudder had gone through the fucking population, because everyone knew who Valorous King was, and of all the pigs they could go head-to-head with, they didn’t want one like him.

The lad was fucking feral, and everyone could tell that just to look at him, just to talk to him, but when he stood right across from someone and bored holes into them with their eyes, they talked before they even fucking meant to.

He was a celebrity, of course. Sir Valorous King was a knight of the realm, had been since he was a teenager – he’d killed dragons, griffins, wyverns, led armies into battle, fought duels, jousted, had championed arenas across the country and abroad.

The lad had been on the fucking postal stamps in 2015.

“Do you think I should be in an institution?” he demanded when Cecil walked in the door.

Cecil took this in, unzipping his jacket and hanging it up – Ruby didn’t come to greet him because Valorous was sitting on the floor in her bed, and she was laying over his lap, her big blunt head rested on his belly, but her tail wagged as Cecil came closer.

“No,” he said, coming to crouch on the floor, and Ruby leaned forward for Cecil to scratch her big cheeks, but she kept her body in Valorous’ lap, not wanting to let him get up, not knowing when she’d get to sit with him again if she did. “Who told you you should be?”

“Sergeant Stark says I’m a hazard,” said Valorous. “That I’m unstable. That I shouldn’t be around the public.”

“David Stark? He used to beat the shit out of his daughters, and two out of three of them had eating disorders at school. I wouldn’t base your fucking persona on his recommendations. What did you do?”

“Told a witness that she was being a cunt.”

“… Alright,” said Cecil. “Starting to see his point.”

“She was being a cunt. Her daughter’s in hospital, and all she’s fucking talking about is how it’s her daughter’s fault for wearing this fucking dress or going out at night, or what fucking ever.”

“I’m not an expert on police procedure, lad, but I’m pretty sure regardless you can’t go around calling witnesses cunts.”

He leaned forward, burying his face in the top of Ruby’s head, squeezing her, and Cecil kept a careful eye on her body language, making sure she wasn’t stiffening up or uncomfortable, but she was surprisingly okay with being held and hugged, and Valorous never did it for too long even though he wasn’t too great with dogs.

“Of course,” said Cecil, “you knew that. You knew he’d react like that, that no one would think it was justified.”

Valorous shrugged.

“You want to take the dog for a walk?”

“Do we have to muzzle her?”

“Yeah,” said Cecil. “If we don’t muzzle her and she bites another dog, we’ll have to put her down. Besides, the muzzle is good – people see that she has a muzzle on and they keep their dogs away from her.”

“But she doesn’t bite them unless they get too close,” said Valorous. “It’s not like she runs up to other dogs to bite them – she keeps herself to herself, she only bites out of self-defence.”

“Yeah, but she’s a big dog,” said Cecil slowly. “She’s stronger than most of the other dogs, big, she has strong jaws. She can do a lot of damage that a chihuahua couldn’t.”

“I don’t like how people look at her,” said Valorous. “They look at her like she’s a bad dog, because she’s got a muzzle on.”

“She doesn’t know that,” said Cecil. “She doesn’t give a fuck – she’s a dog, she doesn’t know if anyone’s judging her. All she knows is that she’s allowed to go for walks and exercise, and she’ll be happier with no other dogs anywhere near her.”

Ruby was looking between them, but she didn’t twig what was happening until Cecil went over and took her muzzle off the hook, and then she skittered off of Valorous’ lap and rushed to sit at Cecil’s feet, her tail wagging hard.

Valorous stayed sitting in the dog bed, bringing his knees up to his chest and looking very small, and watched Cecil slide the muzzle onto Ruby’s face.

* * *

It was three in the morning when Cecil woke up, bleary-eyed and not really with it. He didn’t move immediately, just watched Valorous on his feet beside the bed, rifling through Cecil’s end table and collecting what he found there – cigarette packets were dropped into a little plastic bag, Cecil’s long-expired passport was placed aside, bottles of lube and sensation gel and tubes of chapstick and a tin of chest rub were lined up on the bed.

“Jesus, lad. You got OCD?” asked Cecil.

“You’re awake?” asked Valorous, not looking away as he pulled out two empty boxes of paracetamol, flattening them and then tossing them into the bag with the cigarette packets. “You want a cup of tea?”

“I’m not awake,” muttered Cecil, raising his chin and yawning, rubbing at his eye. “Get back in bed, fuck.”

“What’s OCD stand for again?”

“Obsessive Compulsive Disorder,” said Cecil, lifting the blanket up, and Valorous slid underneath on his belly, pressing right up against Cecil’s body, sliding one of his knees in between Cecil’s thighs – it was fucking freezing, and Cecil clucked his tongue, wondering how long the little prick had been out of bed.

“You think I have it?”

He wasn’t even offended, obviously. He was barely paying attention, his eyes defocused, the hand that wasn’t settled freezing cold between their chests on the pillow, his fingers tapping against the fabric.

“Could be,” murmured Cecil. “S’not like I’m an expert. How long you been awake?”

“Dunno.”

“You sleep at all?”

“Sure.”

“How long?”

“Dunno.”

Fuck, but it was creepy when he was like this, barely awake and moving through life in a fucking haze, not really with it – listening but the way that a robot or an enchantment could listen, to follow basic instructions but not really get that you were talking to him, really talking to him.

He’d already cleaned out most of the rest of Cecil’s house, had scrubbed the living room and the kitchen and the bathroom and the spare room from top to bottom, had torn up the fucking carpet in the living room and rolled out a new one, bought new curtains. Everything in Cecil’s house was clean, freshly laundered, free of stains, organised, except the bedroom.

He glanced down at Valorous’ hands, trying to get an idea of how wet or rubbed raw they were, but they didn’t look too bad – he hadn’t been scrubbing anything before he started in the bedroom, or at least, it didn’t seem like it.

The lad must’ve been like this, at school.

Cecil recalled moments in PE classes where he’d come in and be uncomfortably quiet and intense, moments where he scared the everloving shit out of the students that had brains in their heads, and didn’t so much as intimidate the stupid ones until after he snapped and looked ready to beat them up, but he’d still be a little bitchy, a little snappy, still alive.

That had been once he’d been at school, though – maybe in the dormitories at St Idloes, he’d been like that, or at home with the other Kings.

Cecil had never really talked much to Maybeetle, who’d been the pastoral care expert, or the dormitory matrons, and while he’d talked once or twice to the school counsellors as much as he’d done his best to avoid it, they’d never talked about Valorous King, only about other shit in passing, sometimes other students.

And he’d never gotten the impression that any of the other teachers at Idloes understood King as well as Cecil did himself, saw him for what he was – they either thought he was some sort of glorious fucking hero ordained by the king regent, or they thought he was troubled and they were scared to have him in their classroom.

Cecil reached up and put his hand in Valorous’ hair, pulling hard, and Valorous blinked a few times, leaning back into Cecil’s hand and looking at him askance, his lips parting.

“Huh?”

“You have a nightmare?” asked Cecil, and studied the slight darkening of Valorous’ features, the shadow that came into his eyes.

He had blue eyes, obviously, had to be a blue-eyed boy – they seemed normal enough from far away, but once you were up close with him like this, you could see it wasn’t a natural colour, that it was too pure and lacked the texture of colour that an iris was meant to have. It was a crystalline blue, looked more like water than the inside of someone’s eye. There was a note in his medical record at school that his eyes had changed colour from a magical incident, probably the one that laid him up in Camelot that first time, for those months of recovery.

“Mm,” said Valorous, and shrugged his shoulders, but he looked awake now, glancing around the room and shifting closer, straddling Cecil’s thigh and putting his hands on Cecil’s chest, pressing on the flesh, his thumbs sliding over his sternum. “I dreamt that I ate your heart.”

“Oh, right,” said Cecil, unenthused. “Prophetic, do you think?”

“I don’t have prophetic dreams,” said Valorous, with a sort of blunt certainty.

How long had Valorous King been the favourite pet of the king regent?

Since he was thirteen or something, thereabouts, and Myrddin had kept Valorous under his hand, on and off, until he was twenty-four, Cecil thought – when he’d been at school, he’d go off to Camelot for lessons and extra tutelage for weeks at a time, to compete in tournaments and championships, and once he’d finished school he’d been in the army, although never as part of the rank and file.

He’d been in with some of the battle mages, Cecil was aware, for a little while, but mostly he’d be off in splinter groups or commanding smaller units, or he’d be the face on a battle to scare the shit out of whatever poor, ready-to-slaughter cavalcade of sacrifices was ready ahead of them.

No matter what he was doing, it had been with Myrddin Wyllt’s personal attention, until he’d gotten some new student – Cecil had read about her in the papers the last few years, some alchemist necromancer, impossible to photograph without a sort of haze distorting the picture – and lost interest in his old favourite.

He hadn’t asked questions about it, but he assumed that the break-up had come after that, and that was when Valorous had come back to Lashton, thought to be a copper.

He suppressed his smile, recalling when Myrddin had taken Cecil’s face in his hands and stared deep into his eyes, had told him he had no destiny to speak of unless he chose to make one of himself, and that he had no Sight. He’d only been a lad himself, eighteen or so. It was part of the reason, Cecil supposed, that Myrddin had picked him out of the line-up to use as a fucktoy instead of any of the other soldiers – because he meant nothing to nobody and never would.

Of course, there wasn’t any such thing as someone who had no destiny: even men like Cecil Hobbes had futures, in a literal sense. Knowing Myrddin Wyllt, it could well have been that he fucked Cecil knowing that one day he’d take up one of Myrddin’s leftover protegés – except that neither Cecil nor Valorous would ever have fucked the other were it not for Myrddin in the first place.

Cecil considered himself a man somewhat intolerant of prophecy and future-divining, if not outright allergic.

“That’s for the best,” he murmured. “Of all the hearts you could eat, you’d not want a smoker’s.”

“I’ve eaten hearts before,” said Valorous.

“Still beating?”

“Mm.”

“In the arena?”

“Yeah, but not people’s hearts, not other knights,” he clarified. That was good – thinking about the arena woke him up completely, and he was wide awake now, sitting in Cecil’s lap, his arse resting on his thighs, his expression focused, concentrated, a little severe. Frightening, obviously, but that was Valorous King for you. “A drake’s heart, once, and a chimera’s. I bit into the heart of a mist wolf, and it was half vapour in my hands, and when I bit into it, it really was like biting through thick, thick air. Outside of the arena, not really, but there was a skirmish at Victim’s Peak, and I duelled their company captain. I bit into his heart once he was dead – I didn’t… I never planned to. I didn’t mean to, I mean. The whole thing is kind of a blur, actually, I remember putting him on the ground, and then I just remember snatches – his heart set my mouth on fire when I bit into it, the same way popping candy does, you know when you feel that sharp thrill from it?”

“Victim’s Peak is deadland, Valorous,” said Cecil. “Whose fucking army were you fighting?”

“It’s not deadland,” said Valorous, looking confused, but then his brow furrowed, his lips pressed together. “Fuck,” he said. “Is it? That would explain why I went like I did. I tore through all of them after their captain like they were made of paper – they had to wash me off with a hose before I could go inside.”

“It was deadland when I was there,” said Cecil quietly, gently squeezing his waist.

“It probably still was,” Valorous said now. “Do revenants taste like popping candy?”

“If they do, I doubt anyone’s written it down.”

Valorous looked at Cecil very seriously, all of a sudden, and asked – demanded, really – “When did you first get raped?”

“Uh,” said Cecil, “I was seven. My dad came home drunk, very drunk. He’d made me fondle him before that, suck him off a few times, but that was when he first buggered me.”

“What about your mum?”

“She never touched me.”

“No, I mean… Why didn’t she stop him?”

“She wasn’t really in any position to stop him any more than I was, lad,” murmured Cecil. “The woman was a nervous wreck, and she drank to cope, same as he did.”

“Same as he did?” Valorous repeated, looking abruptly angry. “What, like, he raped you as a coping mechanism?”

“Dunno that I’d put it like that,” said Cecil. “He was a veteran, all his friends had died in the war the first time around, then his first and second wives both died. First one died of cancer, but the second one was gangraped and murdered, that was in the fifties.”

“What war?” demanded Valorous, suddenly petulant, and it made Cecil laugh. Ignoring him, he went on, “You don’t mean World War 2.”

“I do,” said Cecil.

“How fucking old are you?”

“Me, I’m fifty-four,” said Cecil. Valorous opened his mouth, and Cecil said, “He was forty-nine when he got my mother pregnant.”

“How old was she?”

“Twenty-something.”

“Ugh.” Valorous said, making a face, and Cecil laughed again, demonstratively grinding his cock up against his arse. “This is different. You can’t get me pregnant.”

“Don’t worry, baby, we can keep trying.” He filed away the flutter of Valorous’ lips and the slight widening of his eyes in the back of his head, committing that expression to memory, to come back to later. “He was always drunk when he fucked me. Had to be – would sob after, sometimes, cry his fucking eyes out, say he was sorry, that he’d never do it again, that he’d kill himself. He never did – and he whored me out later, which isn’t typically what someone does when they’re really fucking sorry.”

“You’re so calm about it,” said Valorous quietly, staring down at him, very serious, lips pressed together. “I couldn’t be calm about something like that. Am I the first person you’ve told?”

Cecil shook his head. “I went to a group in prison.”

“Group therapy?” asked Valorous, wrinkling his nose, and Cecil stroked his hands over the back of his arse.

“Not really – it wasn’t that structured, it was just a talking group that happened to be run by a counsellor. Most of ‘em were rapists, sex pests, convicted nonces. I remember one lad got upset when I said I only ever fucked legal boys, asked if he thought it made me better than him, and I said, yeah, mate. ‘Course I do.”

Valorous was used to being able to make people uncomfortable, especially by asking questions like this, and Cecil could see he was a little uncertain and uncomfortable with just how comfortable Cecil was, how unbothered he was talking about it, answering questions.

“You never raped any kids?” asked Valorous.

“Nah,” said Cecil quietly. “When I was still a kid myself, I fucked other kids – started when I was twelve, fumbled about with lads my age. Once I was in the army, I fucked a few of the sixteen-year-olds who joined up, but I tried to skew older.”

“But you’d rather fuck actual kids?” demanded Valorous, his voice hard and brittle in a way that made Cecil’s stomach do an anxious flip, even though he had no business feeling fucking anxious about anything.

“Young teens make my cock hard, sure,” he said. “Thirteen. Twelve. Eleven. But I can look at a boy and think about what he’d feel like without turning him into a sex toy, breaking him open. A lad like that is a human fucking being, believe it or not.”

“Me?”

“You? Are you a human being?”

“Would you have fucked me? When I was eleven?”

“I didn’t fuck you when you were eleven, despite having pretty easy access,” said Cecil, arching an eyebrow. “I think that answers that.”

“Why not?”

“You’re offended?”

“Maybe I am,” said Valorous. “I wasn’t a sexy enough child?”

“Sexy enough to wank over, maybe,” said Cecil, shrugging. “Not sexy enough to become a rapist over.”

Valorous’ hard eyes turned gooey, and Cecil felt even more sick, although this time it was worry for the state of Valorous’ fucking head instead of self-loathing. “You wanked over me?” he asked, voice agonisingly soft.

“Not when you were eleven, no. Later, sure. When you were fifteen and started bending over and displaying your hole for me like an aspiring child bride. Did you ever think about what would have happened, if I’d actually fucked you? What it would have felt like to be fucking your PE teacher? Not the sex, lad, not my cock barely fitting in your teenage arse, the way I’d’ve made it hurt, but the secrecy of it. The fear. Knowing I could get you expelled, ruin your life, threaten to take anything I felt like away from you if you ever stopped pleasing me.”

“I was pursuing you,” said Valorous, and Cecil stroked his hands over the muscled globes of his arse, squeezing slightly. “I was a fucking celebrity – I was a hero, the king regent’s own. If I’d asked his majesty to kill you, he would have.”

“That’s what you thought at the time,” said Cecil. “You didn’t know me and him knew each other.”

Valorous’ expression faltered, his lip shifting as he bit his lip.

“And, lad, fuck Myrddin – I had my own reputation for safeguarding as a teacher. If I’d gone to your dorm head and said I was seriously concerned about sexual abuse, he’d’ve been on it like a car bonnet, had you transferred somewhere else, put you in therapy.”

“I would have said that you were the one abusing me,” said Valorous.

“Maybe they’d have believed you,” said Cecil, shrugging. “But I doubt it. Even before you lasered in on any man who’d let you suck his cock in the vicinity, I was known for reporting abuse and keeping an eye out for that.”

“Do you wish you’d done it?”

“No.”

“No?” asked Valorous, and leaned forward in Cecil’s lap, looking down at him. “You never think about it? I was smaller then – bet I would have been tight. You’d have been the first man inside me, first man to fuck me. Open me up. I’d be shaped for you my whole life.”

“Very hot, sure,” said Cecil lowly, aware that his voice was gruff with sex, that his cock was half hard. “But I’d have been the nonce fucking a fifteen-year-old student, knowing what I was taking from you.”

“But I fucked other people, so you wouldn’t have been tak—"

“Valorous,” said Cecil. “I’ve had enough of this, now. I’m fucked in the head, lad, we both are. We want things, need things, that in’t right, not for anyone. The difference being that when you want to scrub something until your fingers bleed, you don’t ruin anyone’s fucking lives forever. Raping a fifteen-year-old, on the other hand, tends to have that effect.”

“It wouldn’t have ruined my life,” said Valorous. “It would’ve been better. I wouldn’t have fucked all them other men, if you’d just fucked me. You would have looked after me better, wouldn’t you? You would have been nice, you would have treated me the way you treat me now. You’re fixing me, aren’t you? Making me better?”

Something in Cecil’s chest felt raw and open and wrecked at the way he said it, the way his eyes were open and vulnerable and wanting, and Cecil wanted to be sick, wanted to scream, wanted to shove Valorous off him, wanted to wrap him in a blanket and put him back to bed, wanted to strangle Myrddin Wyllt with his bare hands.

“Is that what I’m doing?” he asked in a very low voice, aware of the hoarseness in it. “Fixing you?”

“I’m better,” said Valorous, almost defensive. “No one else ever tried to make me better.”

Was he better?

Cecil didn’t think so. Every day he saw Valorous King, he seemed even crazier than he had the day before, but then, he had no fucking idea what he felt like.

“If I’m making you better,” said Cecil, “why don’t you take me up on therapy?”

He’d suggested it before. Half a dozen times, he’d suggested it, that the lad go and see someone actually qualified to have a look in his fucked-up head and try to fix it up a bit. As with every other time before, he scrunched up his nose and his lips and his face, and glared down at him.

“Why?” he demanded.

“Because I’m not qualified to fucking fix you,” said Cecil. “I rescue dogs, not knights.”

“If therapy’s so good, why don’t you go?”

“Because I don’t want to.”

“Well, nor do I! I won’t go unless you go.”

“You’ll see a therapist if I see a therapist?”

“Yeah.”

“Fine, okay. I’ll go.”

Valorous’ mouth dropped open. “What?”

“I’ll go see a therapist, in’t no skin off my back, s’not like I haven’t done it before. If it means you’ll go, I’ll go too.”

Valorous was looking at him in the devastated, indignant way that he looked at Cecil when Cecil managed to pin him on the floor or get a punch in when they were sparring – Valorous was a lot stronger, faster, smarter, and younger than Cecil was, so he shouldn’t be able to, and he always took personal offence when Cecil managed it.

“But—”

“Going back on your word, lad?”

Valorous set his jaw. “Fine,” he said venomously, and then, in the same spiteful tone, “You can fuck me now.”

“Oh, can I?” asked Cecil, and put his hand around his throat, listening to the way he choked and grinning at the sound.

* * *

It had to be angels.

Faeries didn’t much believe in the concept of mental illness, not to mention the fact that the concept of therapy to most of them was a bit like going up to a stranger and giving him your name – it was weakening yourself to no imaginable benefit, making yourself vulnerable by giving away your secrets, giving away means to control or overpower you.

But it had to be angels – it had to be people that were guaranteed, as a matter of course, not to trust the king regent anymore than they would anyone else, people who wouldn’t be intimidated by him, people who weren’t vulnerable.

Cecil didn’t kid himself – if Myrddin Wyllt realised Valorous King was getting therapised and took it upon himself to go into his notes or eavesdrop on his sessions, that would be precisely what he would do. Trying to inure the process from Myrddin spying on it would be pointless and stupid to try, and would in fact only encourage him to do so when before he might not have been interested – the really important thing was that when Valorous talked about him, talked about the king regent, whoever he was talking to treated both Valorous and Myrddin as if they were people, not demigods, and acted accordingly.

The last thing Cecil wanted was to put Valorous on a couch, finally have him open himself up a bit, look internal, and say something critical about Myrddin Wyllt or the crown, and be shut down by some fucking royalist who couldn’t stand to hear it.

“Are you taking on new patients at the moment?” he asked quietly.

“You want to make appointments for two people,” said the doctor, looking down at him. Doctor Majok was a tall, slim man with a shaved head – he wore round glasses and a green cardigan over his shirt and tie. He’d been in the waiting room when Cecil had come in, and as his receptionist went over something on the computer with someone else, he’d gestured for Cecil to follow him into his office.

“You a telepath?” asked Cecil guardedly.

“No,” said Majok. “My sisters are, if that’s a concern for you.”

“In’t a concern. Just asking.”

“Paulette Fields told me that a man had been looking for two places as new patients, with concurrent appointments,” said Majok, picking up a teapot and gesturing with it, and Cecil gave a stout nod of his head. “You would be Cecil Hobbes?”

“Yeah.”

“Have you any experience with therapy or counselling before now, Mr Hobbes?”

“Yeah,” said Cecil quietly. “After I was discharged from the army, I had to do some screening sessions with a psych to make sure an injury in my hip wasn’t psychosomatic, but it turned out to be magical damage to one of the nerves. And when I was inside, I was court-ordered to talk through anger management strategies, as well as going to a support group for sex abuse survivors.” He said it through almost gritted teeth, feeling like he was burning himself saying it, but he knew that being honest now was better than being found out later.

Majok nodded seriously, not looking deterred as he passed him a cup of tea.

“And what are you looking for from therapy?”

“I’ve been trying to get the lad I’m sleeping with to come, and he won’t go unless I go,” said Cecil honestly, keeping Majok’s gaze and not breaking it. Majok looked mildly surprised, his eyebrows raising, but he didn’t look angry or disgusted, which was good. “He needs it, I think, because I’m not qualified to… And it’s not like I can’t benefit from it. But I’m here ‘cause he needs to go, and this is the only way I could get him to agree.”

“This is why you want appointments at the same time?” asked Majok. He exuded an incredibly calm, collected air, and Cecil felt himself let out a breath, wondering if it was contagious for mundane reasons or magical ones. “So that you can ensure he goes?”

“Nah, he’ll— He’s told me he’ll go, he wouldn’t back out on his word now he’s said it,” said Cecil. “But if we go at different times, he’ll spy on my sessions while I’m here.”

Majok blinked.

“He— Look, I suppose Paulette Fields in’t the only person who called you. I bet Karen whatever the fuck also let you know we were looking, and that angel counsellor at the hospital, too.”

Majok didn’t say anything, his expression completely blank.

“I was his PE teacher, at school,” said Cecil. “Then last year he was stalking me, and he still does. Stalk me. Follows me around, goes through my phone, goes through records of me. It’s pretty much a guarantee that he’s gonna try to go through your records for his own notes and mine – but if we go at different times, he will listen in on my sessions, and I don’t want that to be the point of this. I want him to focus on his sessions.”

Majok took a sip of his tea, taking this in.

“And I’m a paedophile,” added Cecil, figuring he might as well shove the knife all the way in, while he was at it. “Non-offending, don’t rape kids, don’t look at child porn, none of that. But I’m attracted to kids, teenagers. Just in case that’s a deal-breaker.”

“Is that why you were worried I was a telepath?” asked Majok, and Cecil pressed his lips together.

“Common courtesy, in’t it? S’not like you want that dropped into your head.”

“Distressing thoughts and urges are my profession, Mr Hobbes,” said Majok, almost gently. “I’m not here to judge the thoughts in your head – my purpose is to help you heal from old wounds, to better live with what’s in your head, and arm you with tools to cope with those distressing thoughts and urges.”

“Yeah, well,” said Cecil. “Most therapists don’t want a nonce sitting on their couch, profession or not.”

“Has that stopped you from seeing out professional help before?” asked Majok, sharp as a scalpel. His eyes were so dark behind his glasses they were almost black – it was a very calming colour, Cecil found. “The knowledge that the stigma of your condition might make some offices turn you away?”

“When I was younger, sure,” said Cecil. “But I’ve read up on it. Trauma, paedophilia, sex offences. A lot of it, I read the, uh, literature. Stopped looking, while I was a teacher, because I knew if I did go to someone and got reported, I’d be liable to lose my job.”

“You don’t teach anymore?”

“I got put in the nick for GBH,” said Cecil. “Can’t teach after that – I work in a gym now.”

“And your partner?”

“It’s Valorous King,” said Cecil, and watched Majok’s face. His eyes really widened now, the colour seeming a tiny bit lighter with more light on it, but still very dark, and his eyebrows went right up, his forehead wrinkling.

“Ah,” he said. “I see.”

“If you can’t take us, if you had any recommendations for—”

“We can take you,” Majok interrupted him. “If you’re comfortable, you and I can take sessions together – and we can arrange for Sir Valorous to take an appointment with one of my sisters, if the two of you call us at the same time.”

Cecil stood there for a second. “Just like that?”

“Just like that,” said Majok.

An uncomfortable pit formed at the base of Cecil’s stomach, and as Majok stared at him, he drank more of the tea, even though it was hot.

“Why don’t we get some intake forms for you and Sir Valorous?” asked Majok reasonably.

“Yeah,” said Cecil, trying to ignore the roiling nausea inside him. “Why don’t we?”

“Are you frightened?” asked Majok.

“Scared shitless.”

Majok nodded his head, picking up a pen and passing it over with a form, still calm, still on an even keel. “It’s understandable to feel frightened,” he said, “and not at all uncommon. Anxiety unites almost every patient, whether they’re starting therapy for the first time or returning.”

Cecil stared down at the intake form, slowly nodded his head, and filled in his name.

#musings #original fiction #writers on tumblr #fiction #snarry #< if you've read my abandoned-until-JKR-dies fanfic Chasing Ghosts #or like my other snarry dynamics #i am fairly certain you will enjoy the vibe between valorous king and cecil hobbes

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