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hangekitty · 3 years

Note

Hiii, I wanted to ask if you could write a f!Hange x fem!reader one shot where the reader is outside the Walls for a mission. Usually hange would be with them being their Partner and everything but for some reason can't. So when they come back they stand in the front row and search for their girlfriend but can't see her and the group is so much smaller so they already know what happend and there is only one thought in their head something like...nonono this is not happening right now.... a few days later a small group stands before the Walls and explain that they got seperated from their group when Titans attacked but managed to hide, find their horses and ride back at night. The reader goes to Hange and finds them in their shared room. Broken and hopeless, ready to give up and when the reader starts talking they think they are going crazy but when she touches them they realize that the reader is real and alive and just throws themselves at her and very gentle smut and fluff happens.

Okay sorry for my english and this was way too long😅

But I hope you decide to write this and if you do thank you soo much❤❤

Hange x f!Reader - Lost without you

Oh my I loved writing this. The thought of a grieving Hange is too much so I’m glad this is contains fluff and smut! Shoutout to @sweetfaun for grammar and editing checks! 🌸

Genre: fluff, smut, 18+

Warnings: subtle mention of suicide, fingering, tribbing

Word count: 3417

A/N: I listened to the “falling in love with Hange Zöe” playlist on Spotify by ObviouslyMoss whilst writing this if anyone is interested. I might keep music a running theme on my work. AFAB Hange - I may have accidentally made them a bit softer than usual but come on they are a big softie.

The life of a soldier in the scout regiment is one of duty and dedication. At any moment you could be asked to give up your heart, your life, and your soul for humanity. It is strongly advised that upon becoming a scout you are to leave behind all personal feelings and relationships as there is a possibility you will lose everything in a blink of an eye. This is something that is easier said than done, as despite the consequences each soldier is still only human.

Regardless of any warnings, there was no stopping squad leader Hange Zoe falling for their fellow squad leader – you. Perhaps it was the way you laughed with them, or how you helped them with their elaborate experiments, or maybe that one time you convinced Hange to shower with you. Hange was smitten, and fortunately so were you. Only the Gods knew what Hange would do without you, and if they were ever to lose you…. It simply wasn’t worth thinking about. You were everything to them, their reason to be alive; so, if there ever was a day that you were no more it would feel as if Hange had lost their entire world.

The two of you had dated for little over a year. The way in which Hange had asked if their feelings for you were reciprocated was adorable. They had thought to surprise you by naming the four titans being held in captivity ‘Will, Yew, Bee and, Myne’. Moblit had assisted with the entire thing, having taken the time to write up each name on an individual plaque and arranging them accordingly. Hange had everything set up, ready and waiting for when you were leaving a meeting and had sent Moblit to escort you back to the research labs. Upon your arrival, Hange grabbed your hand and excitedly announced that they had successfully caught four titans for experimentation. As you looked upon them, noticing the quaint plaques that featured a tidy penmanship – you assumed it must belong to Moblit, as Hange’s scrawl was illegible at the best of times.

“Will…. Yew…. Bee…Myne?” You read aloud and before you even had the time to process the play on words, Hange let out an astounding “Yes, of course I will!” and wrapped themself around you. Admittedly, you were confused at first, but you soon caught on and admitted your feelings for real.

From that point, you were always together. Whether it was on expeditions or within the lab, it was a rarity to see you two together. Commander Erwin had granted you permission to share a room together. Fortunately, so, as the constant charades of having to sneak into each other’s rooms at night were beginning to get exhausting. Soon it had got to the point where sharing your space with Hange had become second nature, and that you were unable to sleep without them by your side.

---

It was the Summer of 849, and Erwin had organised an unexpected expedition. It hadn’t been that long since the last and you wondered why there was such a rush to go beyond the walls once again in such a short period of time. The unexpected nature of Erwin’s plans meant that Hange wasn’t able to attend this expedition on account of two titans that were being held in the research facilities. Hange had named them Charles and Domery – peculiar names, but that was to be assumed of Hange Usually you would be expected to assist Hange with their research, however on this occasion your presence on the field was required due to you being a Squad Leader.

“It’s just two days, sweetheart,” you cooed as the both of you rested in bed. You were sat up, lounging back within the abundance of pillows, whilst Hange’s head rested in your lap as you attempted to hush them asleep by stroking their hair. Despite your attempts, it was inevitable that Hange would spend a majority of the night lying awake due to the anxiety pooling in their stomach. You two were practically joined at the hip by now, and every time you had to separate Hange found themselves unable to sleep. They had wrapped their arms around your leg, hugging it tighter with every minute that passed. They were so scared of losing you, and so any moment they had left with you they wanted to stay conscious.

“But, y/n, I won’t be with you,” Hange whined, the irregular softness of their voice tugging at your heartstrings. This was always the worst part of the job – having to leave your loved ones behind, unsure whether or not you would ever see them again. However, it was important. You had to do this for the sake of humanity; it’s what both you and Hange had understood and had committed to upon signing up for the Survey Corp. Sometimes you wished you could just run away together and leave it all behind. You cup Hange’s face in your hands, delicately stroking their soft cheeks with the pads of your thumb.

“I know, my sweet, I know. I’ll be okay, I promise,”.

---

Despite their being an air of doubt in their mind, Hange believed that you would keep your promise of returning unharmed. Whenever Hange was unable to attend an expedition, they were sure to stand in the front row of bystanders that were awaiting the return of the scouts. Five squads had left just two days ago, but it seemed that only three had successfully returned today.

“Erwin… Levi… Miche… Gelgar,” Hange listed off as they could see their companions passing through the gates. Their eyes frantically darted through the hoard to see whether you had snuck in, to see whether they had simply missed your arrival. Panic began coursing through their veins, but it soon began to settle as a majority of your squad came into view. Evidently, the group was smaller than when you had initially left for the expedition; and the remaining members were beaten and brushed – with one unfortunate soldier missing both an arm and a leg.

“No no no nonononono, this isn’t right. Where is she?!” Was all Hange could think. Blind panic took over, and Hange found themselves moving towards one of your squad members and demanded to know where you were.

“Where is y/n? Where is she?” Hange practically screamed. The looks on everyone’s face was grim; this wasn’t looking good at all.

“We were separated. The last we saw of Squad Leader y/n they were fighting off an abnormal. We waited for them at our usual checkpoint, but no one came”. One dishevelled soldier finally answered. At this point, Hange decided to just leave immediately – not even bothering to welcome their friends back. They crawled into your shared bed, curling in on themselves and taking hold of the sheets. Tears fell down their face as they attempted to conceal a painful, horrifying wail.

“This can’t be happening” they whimpered “You promised,”.

---

A couple of days later, Hange was still in the bedroom. The numbness they felt only allowed them to drink something that Levi bought in every few hours. He never said anything during these visits, only sitting on the bed with Hange for a while and then silently taking his leave.

Despite the agonising feeling in their heart, Hange still found it funny how they’d gone from being unable to sleep without your presence to continuously sleeping throughout the days. Perhaps it was as close as they could get to being with you, as you had seemingly passed into the next realm. Or perhaps it was just a sad coping mechanism as being awake felt far too painful. They were on the edge of just giving up and considering finding a new life away from the scout regiment. Admittedly Hange had felt disappointed in themselves, having allowed themselves to develop feeling and leaving them vulnerable to heartache. Through the darkest moments, they considering just ending it all in order to be reunited with you.

---

What Hange hadn’t realised is that you and the rest of the squad had returned days after everyone else. Albeit you were all looking a little worse for wear, but overall, you were okay. Upon hearing of your arrival Moblit had immediately sought after you. He clutched your hands into his own. A worried expression was painted across his face.

“y/n, you’re okay! What happened?”

“We were intercepted by titans and my squad had to split. We had no choice but to hide and wait until it was safe for us to come back. We all had to find and gather our horse – it wasn’t an easy feat. Then we had to ride back home during the night. I’m sorry we worried you”. You let out an exasperated sigh. Being a squad leader was difficult, made even more so by being left out in the field with no food or water.

Upon receiving news of your arrival home, Levi and Erwin had come to the courtyard with a few others, all armed with bread and water hoping to nourish both you and your squad.

“y/n, you’re alright” Levi began. Despite his apathetic face, he was pleased to see you. Before allowing you to gulp down your water he placed a firm grasp on your shoulder and looked at you directly. “Please let Four Eyes know you’re okay. They’re not doing too good, and it’s been quiet without them.”

You choke on your water upon hearing this. Oh Gods, how you have fretted about Hange and how sick with worry and anxiety they’d be. Honestly, you’d half expected them to rush out and greet you. However, you already knew that Hange had probably assumed the worst and went straight into mourning. Feeling a burning sensation in your throat as tears began to prick your eyes, you excused yourself from your captain – determined to not cry in front of him. Despite the deep exhaustion you were feeling, pure determination allowed you to rush back to your living quarters and towards your own bedroom.

---

Once you reach the entrance to your room, you have half a mind to slam open the door and leap straight onto the bed where you assumed Hange was currently laying. You imagined planting them with a million kisses, but you knew you had to take a gentler approach than that. When Hange was feeling fragile, all they needed was a soft touch.

You opened the door a little, only to be met with a groan.

“No thank you Captain, please leave me alone,” Hange muttered, curling in on themselves even more. Oh, how hollow their voice sounded, full of sorrow and guilt.

“Hange?” You gently called out. Immediately their head turned towards you. Was it really you? “I’m here, darling.”

Hange shot up immediately, staring at your face and drinking in your presence. You were smiling, ready to give them a hug, but Hange’s face wasn’t that of love but instead one of panic and confusion.

“No no, you aren’t real. I know you’re not there; you’re gone! My brain must be having a breakdown I- “

You interrupt their murmurings and reach forward to take hold of Hange’s hand, placing in onto your chest directly over your heartbeat. Their eyes dart between your face and their own hand. You could feel them trembling under your touch until realisation had set in.

“y/n, it’s really you!”. Their eyes began welling with tears, causing you to begin crying all over again. This time, however, it was with a smile. Hange lunged forward and held you tight to their body.

“WAAAAHHH!” They yelled out before tackling you to the bed, crying and wailing the whole time. “Y/N YOU’RE OKAY! YOU’RE OKAY!” they repeated, not realising you were practically suffocating under their intense grip on you. There they were arms around your chest and stomach whilst rubbing their face into your neck and squirming with pure joy.

“Hange!” you giggled “Hange, I can’t breathe!”. A little alarmed, Hange let go a little and positioned you in front of them. They cupped your face with both hands, smiling at you before kissing you intently. You would have thought it would be as rough as passionate as the hugs had been, but instead this kiss was gentle and meaningful. Hange pulled away and their eyes began studying your face.

“How…What happened?” They asked, their voice gentle and soft.

“Some abnormal titans had us cornered. We had to hide and then find our horses again. We couldn’t ride home until nightfall the following day, but I’m back now. I’m safe”

That was all the words Hange had needed to hear before pulling you into another gentle kiss. Whilst you were lost in such contentment, Hange reached down to touch your thigh; earning themself an excited yelp just because they took their chance and pushed further to stick their tongue into your mouth. This gentle, romantic kiss gradually became one that was more desperate, steamier. Their hands wandered down your body, touching every inch possible as if they still weren’t completely convinced you were real.

Hange pulled away, looking up and down your body with a mischievous look in their eye. Although you were tired, you felt an immense desire to just be taken there and then – to connect your bodies and become one. And how could you resist with the face Hange was giving you in that moment? They moved down your body, planting kisses and gentle nips whilst removing any fabric that they met along the way.

“It must have been tough out there,” Hange began as they removed their shirt – their binder soon following. “I missed you greatly,”

“I…I missed you too Ha-“ Your train of thought was interrupted as Hange began nibbling at your thighs. You could feel blood rushing to your cheeks as their dark brown eyes met yours.

“That’s what I like to hear. Now lay back and let me reward you for being a brave little soldier,” Hange purred before diving headfirst in between your thighs, laying further kisses and kitten licks at your soft, sensitive flesh. If Hange was to have glanced up to your face, they would have seen the stars in your eyes - your face to full of love and admiration. And it was all for them.

Noticing as Hange was getting close to your wet pussy, you shook yourself out of your trance. Panic shot through you, and you held a rather surprised Hange’s face in your palms.

“I…I don’t think I want that. I have only just got back and I…” You could barely finish your sentence. You were embarrassed. Several days of fighting titans without any opportunity to efficiently clean yourself had left you feeling self-conscious. Hange cocked their head to the side. You could see the cogs turning in their head as they worked out what exactly the issue was.

“Oh! Don’t worry, you’re absolutely fine. But if you don’t want that…” Hange lifted themselves above you, cupping you through your underwear. “Would something like this make you more comfortable?”. They smirked as you let out a squeak before nodding eagerly.

Hange leaned in, laying hungry kisses against you as they played with your clothed clit. The whines you let out against their mouth only made them increase the pressure through the fabric of your underwear, and you could feel their smirks as they did so. As Hange’s mouth travelled further south to latch onto a pert nipple they took the opportunity to slip a couple of things through the elastic of your underwear, stroking along your folds and now aching nub. You attempted to cross your legs at the sensation as you were already beginning to feel worked up and sensitive. Amused by your squirms, Hange let out a small giggle and moved their free hand towards your other nipple. You could already feel a build-up, a hot and heavy sensation as your lower abandon appeared to coil and tighten. They then slipped two digits inside of you, ensuring their thumb remained circling on your clit as they arched their fingers inside of you. Your soft moans became deep and shaky, you were sure you were getting close to your release.

“Hange~” you purred. Your words were golden to your lover, and you could feel them relentlessly pick up the pace until you reached out to pull their hand away from you.

“y/n?” Hange asked breathlessly against your chest.

“I want to try something together,” you cooed. Hange looked at you, their face both full of lust and curiosity. You began to reposition yourself, so you were now over Hange. Giving a cheeky grin, you pulled down their trousers and underwear. You then quickly whipped off your own underwear, leaving the both of you completely naked with no barriers between your skin. Manoeuvring Hange onto their back, guiding them to rest upon the abundance of soft cushions at the top of the bed, you nudged their knees apart to reveal their glistening sex. Hange was already wet and raring to go ahead with whatever you had planned. After a few strokes of your fingers against their folds, you positioned yourself between their thighs so that your own pussy was aligned with theirs. You reached your lips forward to suck and lick Hange’s tanned nipples before pressing yourself against them, rocking your hips back and forth; your clits throbbing as your slick rubbed against each other.

Whilst still sucking at Hange’s breast you reached under them and pressed their back up, increasing the pleasure below. It was a strange position, something you two hadn’t tried before, but neither of you were complaining. Undeniably, this level of intimacy was appreciated considering recent events. You couldn’t help but moan out, and you shot a look up towards Hange’s face which was contorted in pleasure as they let our their own breathy moans. To add to the intensity, you slipped one hand between the two of you, stroking your fingers against either of your clits. You turned your focus onto Hange, although both of you were feeling incredibly sensitive.

“I love you; I love you,” you moaned. You could feel the knot within your tummy releasing, and you clamped your eyes tight shut and moved to mark Hange’s neck with dark bruises. With a few more thrusts of your hips Hange soon released against your own fingers, letting out a shrill wail as they did so. You held Hange in a tight embrace, arms wrapped desperately against each other as if you never wanted to let go and basked within each other’s post-orgasm glow.

After your breaths levelled out and you calmed down, you flopped to Hange’s side on the bed. You scooted over, bringing their back against your chest as you spooned them. Continuing to wrap them tight in your embrace, you left quick desperate kisses against their throat whilst letting out soft words of affirmation against their skin.

“I thought I’d lost you,” Hange sighed, squeezing your hands as they rested against their chest. You left a gentle kiss against the back of their head and nuzzled into the crook of their neck.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that, I never want to put you in that position again,” You said, beginning to stroke at Hange’s hair. You wiggled further up the bed and laid Hange’s head onto your lap once again. As you looked down at them you felt nothing but pure adoration. However, as Hange looked up at you you could see the beginnings of tears in those big brown eyes. They gave your hand a soft squeeze.

“Please tell me you’re going to stay for the next experiment. If you don’t I’ll just have to fight Erwin to keep you for myself,” they exclaimed, all traces of previous sadness now gone from their face as they punched their arms into the air.

“I promise I’ll stay. Anything for you, my titan crazed maniac,”. You planted a soft kiss against their forehead and relaxed back into the pillows. “We really should shower though”.

“Do we have to?” Hange groaned against your lap, barely audible against your legs. Even now you were convinced Hange was hydrophobic, but you knew exactly how to lure them into a warm clean shower.

“I mean, we could shower together?” you said, your voice sounding tempting. This clearly piqued Hange’s interest as they looked up with a cheeky grin.

#aot hange #aot smut #hange zoe x reader #attack on titan hange #Hange x reader #aot x reader #hange zoë #hange zoe

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thefallenbibliophilequote · 3 years

Text

This Love

Loki x Reader

1989, chapter 11

"Timing is a funny thing"

Summary: It's hard to find the one, but even if you do find him it's always going to be a daily struggle to make it work. Can you even make it work after he broke your heart? The answer to that is complicated, but it all started when you found each other again in the stark tower- and that's where our story begins.

Word count: 6,196

Warnings: angst, nightmares that include: panic attacks/catcall with a light fight, fluff finally!

A/N: I love this song so much! We are so close to the end! I got into a writer's block when I started this chapter, so it took me a while to get to writing it, and in the end it turned out into my favourite chapter that I have written! I hope you'll like it, comments are appreciated! Also, there is a literary reference here, if you notice it you're awesome!

A/N2: thank you @chrissquares for the beautiful dividers! And @nacho-bucky for beta reading!

No one is allowed to repost my writing or steal or copy my work! Reblog on tumblr is fine.

Series masterlist

Song on Spotify and YouTube

The darkness in your room was darker than you remembered. Usually when you were awoken in the middle of the night, it was because of Loki.

But now as you realized Loki wasn't in your room, you got up and walked sleepily to the hallway from your room, then you heard it- and you knew that the heavy footsteps you heard on the floor of the living room were not Loki's.

You held your breath, feeling the panic take over you but you refused to let whoever was in there hear your short intake of breath. Padding quickly into the bathroom, you closed the door and locked it.

Then you let yourself breathe.

The beat of your heart was ringing in your ears, you tried to breathe but all you could think about were the possibilities of whoever or even whatever is in your house right now. Loki had told you all about the magic of the universe, but you also saw him getting back from battles with nasty scars and he wouldn't tell you about the creatures that made them.

You looked around the room, which proved to be difficult when your watery eyes blurred your vision.

You forgot your phone, you couldn't call anyone. Fear took over you again, it felt as if you were drowning, your own tears were making you weak and you couldn't seem to control it.

Hiding yourself in the corner of the room, you took the first thing that resembled a weapon and held the hair straightener protectively as you made yourself as small as possible when the sounds outside of the door got louder.

All you wanted was for Loki to show up just in time and get you out of here.

The fear took over you yet again and the door was knocked down. All you saw was a blue creature at your door. You screamed in fear and your vision went dark, all you felt was fear.

•

Loki watched your body lying there motionless besides the minute movements behind your eyelids that he was sure only he and the supersoldiers could see. Doctor Cho and Doctor Banner were running every test they could on you. It wasn't long before they figured out what Hydra did to you.

Barnes was the first one to figure it out. He was stuck inside his own mind for so long, he saw you going through the same thing. But for you, for you they trapped you using your own powers against you. Capturing you and keeping you awake by horrible emotions that you felt.

Loki stood next to you, wiping a tear that escaped down your cheek.

Sitting down at the edge of the white bed you were lying on, he tried to calm his nerves enough to leave his physical form and feel you, feel your powers, search for a way in.

And he found you there, just barely within reach. He could almost touch you, he could feel your powers caressing his own- that was before he was thrown back into his own body with such force that he regretted giving you such powers.

"I gave them to you, and now you won't let me in?" he grumbled and rubbed his eyes. He looked at you bitterly, but no it was not at you but rather your aura that surrounded you, your powers keeping you in place- supposedly trying to keep you safe.

All he wanted to do was to keep you safe, that was why he got here in the first place. He knew though, he knew that this love he has for you will eventually overpower any ancient spell there could be. He couldn't doubt it.

Your love died and was brought alive back from the dead, fate brought you back to him like the tides, and now currents swept you out again from his reach but you said so many goodbyes before that surely you will say hello again. He held onto that hope. Hope was such a ruinous thing, he never dreamed of having it or accepting it into his life.

When he was in the darkest of places, with the most horrid torment being forced upon him- you were the one thing that kept him sane even when you weren't there. You were the permanent mark on his heart that no torture could wipe off.

And now he was sitting right next to you, and he couldn't help ease the torment that you were in.

So he sat next to you, his fingers on your temples as he tried to somehow reach you, if merely for a moment. But all he got was resistance, and he was growing tired.

"Loki? Cho wants to run some tests." He saw the captain standing at the door, the bags under his eyes were dark and noticeable even for a super soldier. "Would you mind joining me?"

The captain tilted his head to outside, and Loki merely nodded.

•

Steve stood in front of the floor to ceiling windows in the common room, waiting as Loki came and looked outside next to him.

He was at a loss of words as they stood there in silence, not knowing how to approach the conversation. Steve knew his backstory, he knew what drove him to attack New York- but he still attacked it. The man who stood next to him was still the man who terrorized earth, brainwashed his friends, killed 80 people in 3 days, and hurt you twice. Steve wasn't there to protect you from the hurt the first time, but he was there the second time when he had to hold you in his arms.

Then you got taken away and Loki came back to help him, to get you back.

"Just say what you want to say, don't mewl it over." Loki simply said in his elegant but impatient voice. Was it impatient now, or nervous?

"Is there any progress in getting through to her?" Steve cleared his throat.

"As of right now, no there isn't. The witch is trying to lower her defenses but even she can't reach her." Loki knew his options, and for the slim chance that you would be okay and take him back- he knew he needed to be on the good side of the captain. He wasn't one to reveal his thoughts and intentions, but he knew the captain means a lot to you, and for you he would do anything. "I am still trying, Captain. I'm not going to stop until… we get her back."

He kept looking forward even when he felt Steve's gaze turning to look at him. He let Steve analyze his words, and then he matched his gaze. It was quiet before Steve spoke up again.

"Thank you."

"I'm certain that if we have one thing in common it's that both of us would do anything for her. I recognize my mistake of leaving her." He leaned away from the window pane when the captain turned to face him.

"While I appreciate the help, Loki, I had to sit with her while she cried after you left her. Hurt her again, and I assure you that not even Thor will be able to protect you from me."

Seeing the dark look in Steve's eyes made Loki want to scoff at Captain America's threat, but he couldn't blame him. Watching you cry the first time almost made him stay.

"I already deserve worse, so I won't fight you if that were to happen." With his hands clasped behind his back he, with certainty, stated. "It won't."

Then he went around the captain back to the room you were in.

•

With a reluctant and a little frightened Helen Cho, Loki brought you back to your room, enchanted the door shut and put your limp form on the bed, with your back on the headboard and your head lightly lulled back onto a pillow he put behind it.

Sitting next to you, he took both of your hands in his and suddenly he got reminded of that fateful night in your apartment when he held you scared in the dark.

He let his green light shine and he saw a soft purple aura surround your body. He closed his eyes and tried to reach you.

Focusing on the feeling of you, touching him with your aura, he let you take his all.

Then your head fell onto his shoulder and he saw you.

You were in a crowded street, walking towards where Loki stood now watching you.

You faltered in your step and looked to your right when you heard the sentence that was uttered by a guy that was half leaning on a red building brick, blocking the passage of a blonde girl who tried to step away from his frame.

"Oh come on, don't play coy, you wouldn't have worn this tight outfit if you didn't want the attention." His smirk disgusted you and you changed your pace to go to where they were standing.

"I told you to go away." She replied to him, but he didn't budge.

"Sweetheart lighten up, I'm complimenting you, so come on got a smile for me?"

"Hey, she told you to back off so back the hell off and stay away from her!" he laughed at you.

"Maybe you should stay out of this conversation, I am talking to the pretty girl here-" he sent a hand to grab her arm but before he could catch it you threw him back and twisted his arm.

"Do not touch her." Your voice was dark, and while Loki didn't know what he was seeing, he couldn't help but smile at your actions. You pushed him back and muttered, "I really wish the worst for you."

Thinking it would get him to go away, you were about to turn to see if the girl was alright when you felt pain in your stomach as the man hit you and threw you onto the curve where people cleared away from the fight. You looked up at him and you felt something different inside you, it was probably the adrenaline. But the second your eyes met his, you watched his eyes go wide and he started to let out screams, they never stopped, you never stopped looking at him. He fell to the floor, curling in on himself and you went to stand up.

The feeling inside you was strange now, you could feel the anger subside and now you watched him still breathing hard on the floor.

"Stop it, stop it- please." He tried to look up at you, your heartbeat sped up and you felt sick- Was he talking to you? He looked up at you and tears were on his face.

You looked around at the people that where watching you and suddenly like dominos they began to sink down onto the floor, crying and shuddering. Your heartbeat got faster with each scream you heard and they only got louder.

"What is happening?" your voice was shaking and you couldn't move.

Loki realized what scene he was looking at in your life, then he watched the girl in the black suit next to you, she seemed to hold her own against the pain that he knew you affected her with and she pulled out a black device. He recognized her, but he knows you didn't so he didn't put his attention on her.

He went back and looked at you, going forward to try and calm you down but before he could touch you, you collapsed on the floor and he was sent back and out of your dream.

"Please stop this, I don't know what's happening." He heard you cry from a distance.

•

Steve sat in the kitchen alone with a cup of hot tea. It was hard for him to see you that way and being so helpless because he couldn't help you. So he tried to stay away. But as he stared down at the mug, he couldn't help but think about the first time he met you.

Steve was walking out of the elevator at the ground floor of the Stark tower with a file in his hand, he looked up and saw four men with weapons surrounding a girl in civilian clothes and Sharon walked with her. When the blonde saw Steve she dismissed the guards and walked towards him with the girl.

Steve studied you now that you weren't blocked from his view. Your y/h/c hair fell lightly on your face and he noticed you keeping your eyes down on the ground even when you were near him already.

"Hey Steve, did you get updated on the new mission?" Sharon asked him and when he nodded she saw him looking at you partially.

"Yeah, I did."

"This is Y/N. Y/N, meet Steve." Steve put out his hand to shake your hand and it took you a moment before you raised your hand to his.

"Hi." You said to him and when you finally looked up at him he sent you a smile.

"What are you doing here with Sharon?" Steve didn't ask about the guards and he tried to maintain eye contact with you, it seems to be a struggle for you.

"Oh, she just-" you looked over at the agent looking for some help but she only nodded at you. "Found me, I accidentally ruined her operation and she took me here to- to help me."

You hated the way your voice stuttered, then again you couldn't really blame yourself, your day took a turn you weren't expecting, you didn't even know what happened.

Steve's eyes proved to be nothing but comforting though.

"Well, is there anything I can help you with?" you began to shake your head and Steve thought he lost you when you looked back at the floor, shutting your eyes for a bit.

Heavy steps came behind Sharon then.

"Agent 13, we need to get the girl to the lab now, she cannot be here." He heard the guard say and saw you flinch momentarily at his voice and the weapon he held. He did not like that reaction.

"Everything is fine here. I'll protect her." He straightened up and looked at the guard.

"She doesn't need protection captain, she needs to be contained." He chuckled but Steve's features stayed stern.

"The captain said we are okay here." Sharon dismissed the guard.

She started to take you away and towards the elevators when Steve stopped her.

"It's alright, I'll walk with you Y/N is that okay?" he smiled when you looked up at him and nodded.

"Yes, thank you Steve." Sharon told you that she will come to check on you in the lab later, and you entered the elevator with Steve.

"Don't you have other stuff you should be doing?" you asked him, breaking the silence and he laughed.

"Maybe, but you seem much nicer."

"He was right though, he was there to protect other people from me."

"Well," he turned to you with a slight smirk. "I don't know what happened but I doubt you are going to hurt me, besides- I'm sure I can take you down myself."

You scoffed at him, suddenly forgetting about what made you end up in this situation.

"Well how can you be so sure? I can be dangerous when I want to be."

"Is that so? I do not think so." You raised an eyebrow.

"What if I am a super assassin? You can't know!"

"I'll still win."

"Oh fuck off." You huffed at him but a small smile played on your lips.

"Language!" he said and silence took over the small elevator as you looked at him in shock and he looked at you, before you started laughing at him, unable to control yourself.

Steve let himself smile a bit as you laughed beside him.

•

You didn't know where you were. All you knew was the pain in your heart and the rain drenching you as water surrounded you. You were drowning and it was never ending.

The wet wood of the ship floor under you turned ever so darker in the midst of the storm and rain. You looked around you only to see nothing but rushing waves you tried to shout for help but it came out as silent screams with the sound of the thunder, the sinking ship you were trapped on tilted to the side as you tried to get to the top of the deck.

You clung to the closest wooden poll you could find, trying to get to the figurehead on the deck when the ship rattled and tilted as it sank farther.

Then you saw him.

"Loki!" you called out to him, momentary relief flooded you when he showed up just in time. You tried to reach out to him, grab his hand when he offered his hand forward, but it was out of reach.

"Jump to me, I'll catch you." You heard him tell you, you clung to the poll before taking a leap and reaching out as much as you could for him.

But you couldn't reach him, and he let you fall. You didn't know what pained your heart more. But all you felt was pain.

•

Loki lied in your bed. He had taken over it while you were in the med bay for the last couple of days. It wasn't a question, and he was not one to ask permission.

He tried to get some sleep, tossing and turning, there was always a new struggle sleeping through the night when you weren't next to him. He turned to face your side of the bed. You weren't there but he still smiled to the ghost of you. Sometimes in a flicker of light he thought he could see you, but you were still gone.

You were laying in bed with Loki, turning out the lights and then jumping back on the bed, getting under the covers and cuddling to Loki, putting your head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat.

"So, you still haven't answered me."

"My response is clear then." He shrugged off and you playfully slapped his shoulder.

"I am really asking, we have been dating for a long time now and my birthday is soon so don't you think I deserve it?"

"You can't play the birthday card with me, darling." He chuckled into your hair and planted a kiss there. "How do you even remember that? It was so long ago and it is just nonsense."

"You said that you will take me one day for a ball in Asgard, now I am taking you on your word. That silver tongue of yours that got you me will also be the one to take you down. I want an Asgardian ball." You poked his chest

"I said that I will one day, I did not specify when, so I am well within my rights to turn your request down, darling. You should know better than to argue with a trickster god." He poked your side which made you giggle. "We have an eternity together, why rush it?"

You looked up at him and the love in his eyes seemed to glow in the dark room. You only smiled at him.

"What's in that pretty little head of yours, petal?" he stroked your arm and looked down at you.

"I feel like I'm falling in love with you all over again." You whispered.

"You're already in love with me." He chuckled and nudged his nose with yours.

"I fell in love with you once, I can and will fall in love with you again." He couldn't help the grin on his face, oh the things you did to him.

"Well then, I'll always catch you when you fall."

•

Loki was back where he started, in the cold med bay. He wasn't cold of course but he saw the goose bumps on your skin.

"I'll get you out of there, petal." He brushed his thumb across your cheek when yet another tear slipped.

He leaned in to kiss your cheek before he cradled your face in his hands, focusing on your energy yet again.

You were in your apartment with your head down as you listened to Loki talk more and more.

"I just can't understand why are you leaving me like this?" you lifted your teary gaze to look at him, but he was cold.

"Mortals are so naïve," he darkly huffed at you. "Did you really think you meant something to me? Pathetic."

"We had such a good time together, you're my best friend, my lover and I-"

"I am none of those, it was simply interesting to study the humans, to pass the time with one of them. But you're not interesting anymore."

"So, you're just throwing me away? You promised you'll stay with me!" you sniffed, trying to wipe the tears away but they just kept pouring. He was breaking your heart like all the other promises he made and you couldn't find any emotion in his eyes. "Have you ever even loved me?"

"No." it was a simple word, and you hated the small smile on his face. "I'm just being honest with you now, don't you think that is rather kind of me? I am a god after all, and you're just a puny mortal, a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore me and think it is returned."

"You're not being nice, Loki, no. you're just being so casually cruel in the name of being honest." You fell to your knees, with a new fresh wave of tears.

Loki stood behind you as he watched all of the things that are being said to you- from him, you think he is saying those things. You were on your knees in front of him, believing he could ever hate you.

You were paralyzed in time, frozen by his words. You couldn't stop the tears, you've never felt this hurt. It felt like the room was filled with invisible smoke.

Then you felt a hand on your shoulder, grabbing you fiercely. You dropped the hands from your face, hopeful Loki will take you back. But when you looked up, he was still standing, sneering at you. You felt a new wave of pain but then the hand on your shoulder tightened and you turned back to see-

"Loki?" your voice was low and it almost broke his heart.

"Yes my love, I'm here you're okay." You turned your head and saw Loki still standing above you.

"I'm sorry Loki, please stay with me, you're all I have." You cried to him, then the hand on your shoulder turned you around fully and you saw Loki yet again, he was crouching down next to you.

"No, don't listen to him. I love you, I'll always love you. You have to believe me, I will get you out of this- you are not alone anymore." You shook your head at his words, your head was feeling fuzzy.

"No, you hate me." You said it with certainty. And Loki had to clench his jaw, he needed to treat this delicately if he wanted to get you out.

"Don't listen to what he said, he is not real. I'm sorry I left you, but it's different now, just let me show you." Loki begged to any gods out there that your powers will let him get through to you and alter them. He put his fingers on your temples, closing his eyes for a second, he focused on you- fighting every barrier your mind was posing in front of him.

When he finally found you, you could suddenly breathe again despite still having a headache. You looked around you and saw you were now in a different living room. You looked back and the other Loki was gone, the only Loki was the one in front of you and looked at you with so many emotions in his blue eyes.

"Loki, what is-" you still felt another pain in your chest and Loki was back at getting through to you.

"Let me show you why this is different," he gestured to all the people you saw laughing and having conversation on the couches in the room. "You have me now, I'm not going anywhere. And you have a family now."

One guy on the sofa suddenly raised his beer towards you and smiled at you.

His name is Steve. You knew him. You smiled back at him a bit.

Then you heard a small laugh followed by a giggle.

Her name is Natasha, and that's Wanda next to her.

New tears streamed down your face.

"I don't understand." You looked to Loki, who was now standing up.

"You have a family now, and you have me and I'll never leave you alone." He extended his hand to you, looking down at where you still sat on the ground. "Come back to me, love."

You kept looking at him, and then back at the people who seemed more and more familiar.

You took his hand and slowly you got up, he was right beside you, holding you up.

Now that you were standing and could see him better, he looked like the Loki you knew, the real one.

"Help me hold onto you." You begged.

"I'll catch you, just come back to me."

With another step you fell forward onto his chest, the next second it was gone and your eyes blew wide when you rose up from the bed you were in.

Before you could get your bearings, still in shock, you felt Loki's comforting embrace take you.

"You came back to me." His voice was but a whisper murmured before he lightly kissed your cheek. You noticed his heaving breath matched your shocked one.

Your mind couldn't wrap up around where you were or what was happening, but all you knew for certain now was that Loki was here with you, holding you, and so you knew you were safe.

•

"So that was all me?" you asked Loki.

He nodded and still kept you close to his chest for comfort, he didn't know whose.

"What they did to you, I assure you they will pay for it. Each and every one of them will know that they should not have laid a single hand on you, my love."

He sealed it with a kiss to your forehead. But you didn't respond to it, still lost in your own head.

"No. It was all me, my powers did that." He took your hand in his and traced circles with his thumb on the back of your palm.

"Your powers are my fault." He admitted, Loki let the feeling of your skin on him ground him before he said the next words, "That night a long time ago, I casted an ancient spell on you- to protect you- but I must have got something wrong or I didn't think about how it would affect a human, and now you got the powers."

"I know, Loki. They used your wand to control my powers so I assumed my Asgardian powers were related to you." You then, to Loki's dismay, lifted yourself up on one elbow and looked sternly at the god in front of you. "You protected me, don't you dare blame yourself. Not even a bit."

You were met with a smile, his clear blue eyes were caressing you softly like water.

"What?"

"I missed you." He leaned up to reach you. "You came back to me."

You looked at your entwined hands.

"You are the one who came back to me, into my life." Loki kissed you shortly when a cough came from the door.

Steve stood there with wide eyes, and his hands clasped together. For his huge form he looked so little. You sent a smile to Loki who reluctantly got up from the bed and walked past the captain.

Once the door was closed Steve rushed to you as you got up from the bed and walked to him, meeting him halfway. He enveloped you in his tight embrace, you wrapped your hands around his neck and let him hold you, and you could feel yourself being slightly lifted from the ground.

You let your tears fall, you didn't know you needed to cry until he hugged you, you missed his comfort.

"I am so glad you're okay, I was so afraid," He said, and you could hear the strain in his voice.

"I was too, but now I'm here." You remembered flashes of what Loki showed you when you were stuck in your head. "I'm home, with my family."

He nodded and pulled you back to look at you.

"You are, of course you are Y/N- you're with me." You smiled, he wiped the tears from your face, and you put your head on his chest. "Kid, you mean so much to me, you know that right?"

"I do, and you mean a lot to me too, old man." He tickled your side and you laughed.

"That is not a way to talk to your elders."

The two of you swayed, you were still cradled in his arms when he broke the comforting silence. You could hear the hesitation in his voice.

"He is okay." You pulled back and looked into his eyes- he was serious.

"Really?" he closed his eyes and nodded with a groan. "I can't believe it- my big brother and my boyfriend getting along. And all I had to do was get tortured."

"Y/N, don't push it." You shrugged him off and went back to use his chest as a pillow.

"Oh give me a break, my ex kidnapped me." You could feel him glaring at you at the comment. "Sorry."

•

After sitting with all of your friends, you went back to your room, not surprised to see Loki lying on your bed, all ready to go to sleep.

"You could've joined us. I heard you and Steve talked. It would have been nice if you were with me." You changed from your clothes, Loki had healed your physical scars already, but you could still feel them.

"I figured you would want time with them, with your family." He stretched a hand out to you as you got onto the bed and under the covers.

"Well, are you-"

"Yes. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere." You leaned in to kiss him before settling on your side next to him, facing him.

"You still didn't actually tell me why you left in the first place. You changing colours is not an excuse." You smiled a bit teasingly, his eyes left yours then- afraid of your reaction. "Tell me."

You asked him and he had to obey.

"Just before I left you, right before Thor's coronation,"

"Yeah I remember we talked about it, you said it'll be soon."

"Yes, well I decided to test how worthy he is of being a king, and then it turned into something bigger that I couldn't control and-" he stopped to take a breath, you put a hand on his cold cheek. "Then I found out I am actually a frost giant, a monster. Don't say I'm not, my love, let me finish."

You stayed silent and let him continue, tracing patterns on his skin, where you remembered the markings on his blue skin were.

"After that, I knew I had to let you go- to keep you safe. And with everything that happened afterwards- everything I went through- I don't regret leaving you when I did. It was the right choice."

You tried not to get overwhelmed by the new information he was giving you, and while it hurt- at least he told you, and you could somewhat understand.

"You didn't have to break my heart when you left."

"I'm a monster, Y/N you don't know what my kind is like." He raised his eyes to yours now.

"It doesn't matter at all, you are your own person- well god- you are Loki. You are mischievous and funny, cunning and loyal to those who are worthy of knowing you. I still know you Loki, and you are not bad- you're good. The fact that you hide it doesn't mean you're not."

He lowered his eyes again, and you knew he was holding himself together now, but you didn't push it. Apparently you weren't the only one who went through a lot. You knew there was so much more to his story, but that was for another night.

"Darling, we separated all those years ago, and it might have been for the best. I never thought I'd see you again." He brought you closer and held your chin so you will look up at him. "But timing is a funny thing; sometimes you never know what will find its way back to you again, so maybe now the timing is right. Maybe we weren't meant to be back then. The timing back then wasn't right, but maybe now, after we both grew, the timing is right."

You couldn't help but smile at him while you pondered his words.

"So, did you write that all down? Or was it just off the top of your head?" you teased and he laughed, you could swear that it was glowing in the dark.

"You're forgetting my silver tongue, dear." He smiled brightly at you and wondered what he could possibly have done right for him to have you in his arms again. "All I'm saying is- maybe these hands had to let it go free, so now at the right time you, my love, came back to me."

You knew those smiles and those laughs were reserved just for you, in the intimate moments where he let all of his guards down, and found his old happy self, when the two of you were alone.

"I love you Loki, so much." You connected your lips for just a moment and let yourself relish in the warm feeling that swept through your body as the soft touch. "This love that I have with you left a permanent mark on my heart, Loki I'm forever yours."

"I assure you then, my love, that it is returned. I'm yours." He said it so simply that it made your heart soar and you moved closer to kiss him again, this time fiercely. You pulled him down to meet your lips, pulling at his hair to stay close to you- not that he needed it, he will be damned if there was any space left between the two of you now.

He sucked on your bottom lip, biting on it just the way he knew you liked, and you moaned softly, letting his tongue slide past your lips. You felt the growl in his chest that was pressed against your own when he tasted you, and it only ignited the fire within you that only he could spark.

"Loki," you moaned and then he deepened the kiss further, making sure you felt everything that he was feeling, tasting every love he held for you- only you. He would stop the entire world, all the galaxies, so this night with you could be longer. He will make time stand still and make this last forever, let every god know that you were his and that he was yours and that a simple thing like time will not be able to keep you apart.

Your love was eternal, you could feel it with every beat of your heart with every touch of his skin with yours, and you could never doubt it. Oh if only the gods would lengthen the night so you could catch up with Loki about anything and everything.

Getting impatient by the second, you put your hands on his hips as he hovered over you and slowly lifted them up his torso and under the thin white shirt he wore. You let your hands wander, pulling him towards you and exploring him as if you didn't have every inch of him memorized in your very soul. You started dragging your hands lower and lower until Loki pulled back from you slightly, you couldn't help the whine that you let out.

"Loki, I need you." He caressed your cheek.

"Darling, you need to rest now. I said I will take care of you, so I will."

"You're not taking care of me now…" you pouted and tried to bring him closer, but he only fell onto his side and turned you around so your back was pressed against his chest.

"Get some rest now, I promise you will need it later." He whispered in your ear and with a kiss to your neck he murmured a good night into your hair.

"Good night, Loki." Your heart was still beating fast, but you were smiling like an idiot as Loki's steady rise and fall of his chest eventually made you match his breaths.

You were home. You were safe. You were loved.

Sleep took you easily once you realized that.

•

Tags: @ayybtch @buckys-other-punk @chaoticpete @madcrazy50 @mishkatelwarriorgoddess @the-departed-potato @rogerrhqpsody @onceupona-happilyeverafter-love @percabethismyotp14

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preciouspeterbparker · 3 years

Text

the warmest bed i’ve ever known

finally got this bitch finished!

based on “tis the damn season” by taylor swift. i was also listening to the phoebe bridgers cover of “christmas song”, “last christmas” cover by pale waves (recorded @ spotify), and “home alone, too” by the staves

also this is only my 2nd time writing starker so lmk what you think plz?

happy holidays! - bloo

word count: 6.07k. this was intended to basically be a porny blurb...instead there’s so much fucking plot it’s probably overwhelming and minimal porn. i’m sorry

warnings: angst, depression & anxiety, drug use (that good kush ft some hotboxing & shotgunning), smut, character death (not tony or peter), tony’s kind of country lmao. despite all the aforementioned things, there is in fact a happy ending!

summary: peter makes the trip back home for christmas and once again finds himself caught up in deep brown eyes and a charming smile. tis the damn season.

Peter had forgotten how cold New York winters were. He’d grown used to the year-long warmth of Los Angeles. He supposed the cold was appropriate- it was as if the weather was in cahoots with the solid, frigid thing that was sitting in the pit of his stomach. The last time he’d spent Christmas in Aurora, the last time he’d seen him… Tony.

Just thinking the other man’s name made Peter flex his hands anxiously as he slid out of the driver’s seat of his black Mercedes AMG GT into the amber glow of the streetlight, gently shutting the door closed behind him, still in the overly cautious period of owning the new car. He wondered what Tony would think of it. Last time Peter had come home, he was still driving May’s old Subaru. It’d been almost 2 years to the day, now, which felt like both a century and no time at all. He wished it wasn’t so hard. He wished they hadn’t been caught in this song & dance for so long. It seemed like no matter how good Peter’s intentions, it always came down to one thing: he was so damn scared. He always ran away, no matter how badly he wanted to stay.

Scuffing a boot through the slush in the street, the brunette straightened his shoulders and made his way toward the brick building, a quick smile quirking half his mouth up as he read the neon red sign above the closed garage door. Stark’s. Memories came flooding back, the countless nights he spent cooped up in the little shop during high school, sketching elaborate ensembles and daydreaming about having his very first collection while surrounded by the smell of motor oil and the sounds of tinkering. The bell above the door jingled merrily as Peter stepped through and wiped his feet on the mat. The pleasant sound of Frank Sinatra crooning the words of “The Christmas Waltz” met his ears. Another small smile flitted over Peter’s face. That was something that tended to happen when he was around Tony.

“Just a second,” came the slightly muffled voice, a little strained. The man in question was bent over, headfirst in the engine of his old 1979 Chevy C10, the one he’d gotten senior year of highschool. The collar of a heather grey henley peeked out from under a deep red and green plaid flannel stretched over his shoulders as he leaned a little further under the hood, using a wrench to tighten what looked to be a lugnut to Peter from his spot by the door, too nervous to go further inside.

“I can wait,” Peter replied softly, trying not to stare at Tony’s jean-clad ass and anxious of the older boy man’s reaction. (It looked like Tony had done a lot of growing up over the past two years, no longer the boy he remembered. Peter supposed the same could be said about himself in a way, though he wasn’t sure if it was for better or worse.)

And apparently he was right to be cautious.

Tony promptly smacked his head on the underside of the hood as he jerked upright at the sound of Peter’s voice. “Fuck.” Moving more carefully, Tony stood upright and turned around, his dark eyes wide. “Peter,” he said, visibly and audibly surprised. To be honest, it hurt Peter a little bit, how surprised he sounded. Maybe coming here was a mistake. Did they not do this nearly every year over the past seven? Had- Oh god, had something changed? Fuck, did Tony finally get tired of- Had he found-

Peter resolutely cut that train of thought off before he could panic. “Hi, Tony.” He swallowed drily, making eye contact for a moment, before casting his eyes away only for them to make their way back to the open face in front of him. “Think you have time for a quick bite to eat?” He slipped his left hand into the pocket of the new, warm wool coat he bought expressly for this trip. “It’s almost dinner time. And I have a treat,” he intoned, tapping his right pointer and middle fingers against his lips.

Tony beamed and immediately reached for a shop rag to wipe his hands, the black grease and oil smearing on the probably-used-to-be-white-at-some-point fabric. One of those hands came up to scratch at his facial hair, a new addition that made something simmer deep in Peter’s gut. The older man's brown eyes twinkled as he paused to glance at Peter. “You had me at ‘hi, Tony.’” He then proceeded to move about the shop, swiping his phone from atop a chest of metal drawers, Sinatra’s voice coming to an abrupt stop. He pulled on his old lined jean jacket (the one Peter was constantly mending in high school; now it just had small tears in some places, and what appeared to be Tony’s d-i-y patchwork in others). The sign on the front door was flipped to ‘closed’ and Tony pulled a keyring from his belt loop, locking it and flicking off the lights. The streetlights outside the building and the colorful holiday lights strung along the edge of the roof provided just enough light for them to be able to clearly see each other, the sun having set early, around four o’clock. Peter had forgotten about that as well.

He moved to grab his car keys from a pocket but Tony spoke up, patting the dark green paint of his truck’s hood and walking over to the garage door. His hand hovered over the button that would open it. “Actually, I just finished giving Delilah a tuneup, mind if we take ‘er for a spin?”

“Sure,” Peter agreed without hesitation, still feeling relieved (and grateful) that his invitation was accepted.

Tony pushed his palm against the button and paused to do a double-take after the metal door lifted completely. His eyebrows rose at the sight of Peter’s car parked in the small lot beside the shop. “Damn, L.A.. Not worried about your fancy new car?” His tone was slightly teasing, but there was a bit of shock mixed with something else as well, and it caused Peter to go hot, feeling insecure. (What if Tony didn’t like who Peter was, now? Peter didn’t exactly like who he was now.) Tony must’ve noticed his discomfort, because he cracked a grin and bumped his shoulder against Peter’s as he made his way to the driver’s side, yanking the door open. “C’mon, Parker, ‘m just fuckin’ with you. Hop in - how’da some burgers from Delmar’s an’ a trip out to the field sound?”

***

They grabbed food from the hole-in-the-wall diner down the road (the one where sixteen year-old Peter burned the shit out of his hand on his first day and promptly quit) and once they were bundled back in the truck with their burgers, fries and one banana milkshake (“yeah, but these are your favorite,” Tony had said in response to Peter’s exclamation that it was too cold out), Tony drove them out to the field behind the old high school. He parked the car under the lamppost, leaving it running in order to keep the heat on. His thick mechanic’s fingers began to fiddle with the temperature controls. Nat King Cole was playing quietly on the radio.

Peter shifted the paper bag of food in his lap, searching for words but not knowing what to say, and plucked the joint and lighter from his coat. The paper-covered filter found its way between his lips and he inhaled softly as he lit the tip. Satisfied with the light, he french inhaled, closing his eyes for a moment. The first hit was always the best. Peter loved the way he could feel it all the way in his bones. He didn’t know how to describe it other than deep. When he opened them, he made eye contact with Tony in the dim light, and immediately cut his gaze away as he felt the heat rush to his face. He could feel when Tony looked away a moment later.

The lull continued and Peter gingerly held the joint between his fingertips as he exhaled, hand outstretched.

Worn fingers plucked it away, and Peter’s eyes were immediately drawn to the slightly chapped lips that wrapped themselves around the filter. “You stayin’ at um, at May's...old place?” Tony faltered as he inhaled, as if he wasn't sure what the most sensitive way to talk about it was.

“Yeah," Peter said softly as he looked down at his lap. Spending his first night in the house alone last night had made him feel the loneliest he'd ever been in his life, and that was saying something because he’d been feeling pretty miserable lately. Peter saw May everywhere he looked, waiting to hear her call for him to come taste some new-fangled recipe from the kitchen, or to please, for the hundredth time, rinse the dishes before he put them in the sink. He missed her more than he thought possible, her death earth-shattering after having already lost Ben when he was 17, back when this mess all started. When he left for the first time. When he started running away. “It’s- It’s weird but I’m...adjusting. It’s honestly not that different to when she was alive, though. Y’know- recently.” He cut himself off, not sure if he wanted Tony to know the full reality of his existence, now.

Because it was true. It killed Peter to admit it, but his relationship with Aunt May started going downhill around the time of Ben’s death, too. By the time she had her heart attack a little more than two years ago, he hadn’t seen her in over a year, or talked to her in nearly as long. It was the biggest regret of his life, pushing May away; the second was the way he essentially did the same thing to Tony, however drawn-out it had been.

Peter reached out for the joint and his fingers brushed against Tony’s, sending a jolt up his spine. “How,” Peter started, swallowing as he twiddled the lighter between his fingers not holding the joint. “How’ve you been, Tony?” He was scared to ask what he really wanted to know. Have you finally had enough? Did you stop waiting on me? Am I too late? To distract himself a bit, he cracked the window so he could ash the joint before taking another drag.

"Same ol’, same ol’,” came Tony’s reply, his voice weary. “I mean, you already know this, but nothin’ really changes here." The quiet way he said it was slightly self-deprecating and the younger man hated it, hated that he had something to do with it. (Peter remembered the way he spat the words at Tony in the wee hours of the morning oh so long ago. "I've gotta get out of this fucking town- I can’t stay here, Tony! You might be okay dying here, a nobody with nothing, but I'm not!")

That’s why I had to leave, he thought, chest tightening. I was trapped in this town. It was never you, Tony. You were perfect. You’re perfect.

"..Yeah," is what came out instead. Peter took another hit before he handed the joint back to Tony and began rifling through the grease-splotched bag, passing the older man his burger before unwrapping his own. He took the top bun off in order to lay down a handful of fries from the bag, smooshing the top back on afterwards. A moan left Peter’s mouth at the first bite, and he heard a chuckle bubble up from Tony’s chest. (He would never admit it, especially not to anyone back in L.A., anyone who didn’t know him before, but this was his favorite meal in the world.)

“Funny that you still do that. So, um,” Tony began again, stuffing a few fries in his mouth and chewing as he spoke out the side of his mouth. “I saw your new collection. It looked nice.” He licked a bit of salt off his thumb.

Peter’s ears burned as he swallowed his bite and raised an eyebrow at the man across from him. “You pay attention to fashion, now?” He fought off a smile at the thought of Tony delicately flipping through the pages of a high-fashion magazine.

“Not like- I’ve tried to keep up with your work,” Tony mumbled, swallowing, his own face taking on a bit of a rosy-hue. “Like to know what you're up to all the way out there.” The joint touched his lips for a few seconds before it made its way back to Peter’s fingers. “I do know how Google works.”

Peter shivered as he felt something flutter in the pit of his stomach at the salt grains that touched his tongue when he took his next pull. “Tastes like salt,” he breathed on the exhale, locking eyes with Tony through the smoke that had accumulated in the car.

Something flashed in the older man’s eyes as he stole the weed back and took a large hit, crooking his salt-sprinkled fingers to beckon Peter closer.

Peter’s own reddened eyes widened when he caught on to what Tony wanted, his heart picking up speed. They hadn’t done that in years. Still clutching his burger in his left hand, he used the right to support himself as he leaned over the console to press his mouth against Tony’s. He closed his eyes as he inhaled, fighting the urge to slip his tongue somewhere it didn’t belong. One of Tony’s hands came up to pull his head closer for a moment, his tongue having the same idea as Peter’s, causing him to whine into Tony’s mouth. His pants were getting tight as he licked right back in response, feeling a slight burn from exhaling through his nose. He missed this. Nobody kissed him like Tony did-

“Shit!” Tony pulled away sharply, and Peter’s heart stopped for a second. But when he realized what was happening, he couldn’t contain the surprised cackle that erupted as he saw the joint land in the other man’s lap. “Quit it,” was Tony’s reply, though he was grinning as he said it. He grabbed what was left of the joint off his jeans and stubbed it out the rest of the way on the dashboard. “It burned my fuckin’ finger.”

“Oh poor baby,” Peter shot back, shifting in his seat and taking another bite of his burger. He willed the slight chub to go away, but knew it was a lost cause. He pretty much signed up for it; he was always turned on when he was high around Tony (and most of the time when he was sober, too). Some kind of conditioning or something, he thought deliriously.

“Ya better hush up, Parker,” Tony snarked and dipped some fries into Peter’s banana shake. He rolled his neck a bit, reaching for his burger. “So, kid. Tell me ‘bout L.A..”

***

Peter was basking peacefully in his high, humming along to whatever was playing through the speakers. He and Tony had both finished their food, chatting about this and that, but nothing of real substance, their earlier stilted conversation far from their minds. Shooting the shit, as Tony called it, over some weed and a meal was their normal routine when they were younger, and it came as naturally as breathing. Peter had never met anyone else he could simply coexist with on this level, simply enjoying the other’s presence for what it was. I love you, he thought as he looked at Tony, who was leaning back in his seat with his eyes closed and nodding his head along with the beat. I’m so in love with you and it scares the shit out of me.

The younger man’s eyes roved over Tony’s face as his mind raced. What was he doing? Would something be different this time? He wasn’t that angry seventeen year old anymore- now he was twenty-four, clinically depressed, and living someone else’s life. Would it be so bad to finally leave that all behind, to finally let himself have what he’s denied himself for so long? Didn’t he deserve to be happy, after all this pain? And even if it wasn’t in the cards for them, if Peter was destined to be alone, wouldn’t even the most miniscule amount of time with Tony be worth it?

Tony’s gravelly voice startled him back to the present. “I should probably be gettin’ you home, huh, Peter?” The bearded man opened his eyes and began sitting up, turning to look at him. The expression on his face was unreadable, and Peter didn’t know if he should agree or protest, so he merely lifted a shoulder in faux indifference, shooting Tony a half-smile.

Please, call me Pete… Just Pete, Peter begged in his head. Tony calling him by his full name made the ugly thing in his chest wriggle uncomfortably. Last time he was home, before he said those awful things, Tony hadn’t called him Peter in years. Yet another beautiful thing that he’d taken for granted and ruined for himself.

“Could also drive around for a bit if you wanted, see some lights.” Damn Tony and his ability to read Peter so well. The suggestion was soft, and he looked down as he said it, almost as if he was feeling shy.

Peter shook his head minutely and shifted a little in his seat, gently biting his lip. “I’m getting a little tired, haven’t smoked in a while,” he lied through his teeth, but the smile on his face was real this time.

Tony grinned right back at him.

(“What would we even do on a date? There’s nothing to do here, Tony,” Peter said with a laugh. “I dunno,” Tony replied, snuggling the lighter-haired teenager closer into his chest as they snuggled on the couch. “We could go look at the Christmas lights, get some hot chocolate… I could tie some mistletoe to the mirror in the truck. There’d be sum kissin’ involved….” He trailed off as Peter’s lips found his own. “Or we could do the kissin’ right here,” he murmured, sinking into the kiss.)

***

The drive back to May’s house was spent with Tony catching Peter up on everyone in town as they passed various houses. (“Remember Happy Hogan, the butcher?? Him an’ that pretty florist, Ms. Potts, got married last year. Think they’re havin’ a baby,last I heard.” “Rhodey’s mama died this spring, she got cancer, but he an’ Mr. Rhodes still live out here now that Rhodey’s moved home. Honorable discharge last fall. Done got himself a new girlfriend now too, Carol; he met ‘er in the Air Force. She’s a sweet one, I think you’d like ‘er.”)

When they pulled into the driveway, Tony cut the engine and hopped out. Peter did the same, grabbing the bag with their trash and patting his pocket, double-checking for his keys and lighter. He stepped around Tony, who had stopped at the bottom of the front steps, and walked up to the door, fumbling for a minute with his keys under the porch light to find the right one (it had robin’s egg blue polka-dots of May’s favorite nail polish). Tony’s footsteps followed him up the stairs.

Peter stuck the key in the lock and opened the door a crack before turning to face the taller man. “So.”

Tony’s eyes searched his own as they gazed at one another. “So,” he parroted back. His index finger went up to rub at his nose as he took a hard sniff in. There was a beat of silence. “Thanks for the joint, and uh, the company. It was good seein’ you,” he said at last, a hint of his signature lopsided grin curving his lips.

Peter felt the goodbye that was coming before it even left Tony’s mouth, and something in him broke. “Don’t leave me here alone.” The words came out of Peter’s mouth in a mumble, and suddenly he couldn’t make eye contact with Tony, losing focus and staring at his own feet instead. He felt the harsh burning of tears as it hit him again just how alone he was about to be when he walked inside, how alone he already was. He was always so fucking alone.

Even in L.A., so much bigger than fucking Aurora, New York, surrounded by thousands of people, Peter still felt invisible, insignificant. He had no friends. Sure, he had a publicist, and connections, and celebrity acquaintances & clientele. But without his money and his clothes, what would he have? What did he have when he was just Peter Parker, rather than Peter Benjamin, semi-famous designer? Nothing. (When he got the call about May, and he’d broken down in the bathroom during a business meeting with representatives for Tom Ford, he realized he had no one to call. No one to comfort him or tell him it would be okay. He’d sobbed into his pillow that night, screaming his throat raw with Tony’s number punched into his phone, ready to be dialed. He never called.) He had nothing and no one, and it was all his fault because he was so stupid, and maybe this is just what he deserved. If he hadn’t pushed everyone-

“Hey- Hey, Peter, no. Never,” Tony was saying gently, cautiously pulling Peter into his strong arms and out of his anxiety attack. “‘m not goin’ anywhere if y’don’t want me to, baby.” He tucked Peter’s head under his chin, a chill running down his spine due to the chilly evening air. “S’okay, everythin’s okay.”

Peter sucked in a deep breath through his mouth, trying to calm himself. His forehead dug into Tony’s shoulder painfully but it helped to ground him. The soothing sensation of Tony’s fingers tracing circles on his back helped, too. Peter’s breath was still hitching every so often, so he shut his eyes and tried to synch his breathing with Tony’s. It felt so nice to just be this close to someone- Peter couldn’t remember the last time he’d been held. Tony had probably been the last one to do it, though. (He’d had sex in L.A. of course, but it was all superficial. Nothing real. Nothing like what he had with Tony- not even close.) Shifting slightly, he buried his nose in the crook of Tony’s neck, searching unconsciously for the smell he loved so much; a mix of gasoline, teakwood, and something smoky. The scent sent a shiver down Peter’s spine, and that hot feeling simmered in his stomach again. He’d always joked that he would bottle Tony’s smell if he could. Tony would just laugh and jokingly tease Peter for always having his nose in his neck or armpit.

Now Tony just hummed lightly in response, tightening his hold for a moment before relaxing. “‘Yer’okay,” he whispered, once he could feel that Peter’s breathing had evened out for the most part.

Peter pulled back a bit and stared at a spot in the middle of Tony’s chest, thinking. He decided to go for it. Worst that could happen was Tony saying no, and leaving Peter here alone, but he knew he’d end up alone eventually. But he’d delay the inevitable as long as he could. “Kiss me, T,” he said quietly, leaning in before he could change his mind. His lips brushed Tony’s and he pulled back, trying not to go cross eyed looking into the other’s eyes. “I don’t wanna be alone anymore.”

Tony stared at him for a moment before their mouths met again, and Peter nipped gently at his lip before clumsily walking backwards through the cracked front door, pulling Tony with him with their mouths still connected. Tony’s foot kicked it closed behind them, bathing them in darkness, and he tripped a bit when Peter clutched at the lapels of his jacket a little too hard. Cursing under his breath, he leaned back against the door and tugged Peter along, using the support behind him to balance as he toed his boots off. They disconnected momentarily as the shorter man did the same, hands still gripping the denim.

Peter licked his lip as they stood in the dark entryway. Looking up at Tony, he shrugged his coat off, letting it fall to the hardwood floor beneath them. He reached out and gently pushed the denim jacket off the taller man’s shoulders too before leaning in, stopping just before their lips made contact. “Come upstairs with me,” he whispered.

Tony’s mocha eyes flitted around for a minute, searching his face for something. Peter couldn’t tell if he liked what he saw, but Tony kissed him again before taking his hand. “Your room,” he questioned, taking hold of the banister and leading Peter up the stairs.

***

“Fuck, Tony. Right there, right there, ohhhhh.” Peter was on his back with one leg thrown over Tony’s shoulder and the other bent off to the side, the ball of his foot pushing into the mattress. The mechanic’s uncut cock was stretching his lubed hole. Tony was leaning over him and one of his hands was clutching at Peter’s hip, the other at the leg up by his face. His facial hair scratched deliciously against the pale skin on the inside of Peter’s knee as he pressed a kiss there.

(Tony had kissed and licked and sucked praises into the skin of his neck, chest, stomach and thighs as he’d fingered him open at a torturously slow pace. “So good fer me, Pete. Look at you. You’re so goddamn beautiful.” Peter had whimpered and whined the whole time as he tried to fuck himself on the thick digits whose pads were caressing his prostate.)

A moan left the older man’s lips as he looked into Peter’s eyes. “You feel so good, baby. Always feel so- fuckin’- good,” he grunted, thrusting further in the tight, wet heat. “Love fuckin’ your ass.” He dug his fingers tighter into Peter’s skin, sure to leave bruises.

Gasping, Peter arched his hips up, toes curling, cock bobbing against his stomach with every thrust. He could feel Tony deep inside him, in that place that only he had ever been able to reach. Fuck, why had he ever let this go? Never letting you go again, Tony. You can’t leave me alone. I need you. I love you. He whined, baring his neck in a silent plea and bringing his leg down so that both were wrapped around the man’s thick waist. Tony reacted accordingly; his hands moved up to clutch at Peter’s near the headboard and his mouth latched onto the column of Peter’s neck, sucking. A wounded noise escaped Peter, his hole clenching, and Tony bit down harshly at the sensation. Peter keened again, going limp on the mattress as his legs fell open to the side. “Shit, Tony, god!”

Hot, wet breath tickled Peter’s neck with every ragged exhale that left Tony’s mouth, causing the smaller to whine lewdly, squirming. “Yeah? Are you- mine? Y’gon be mine- huh, Pete?” Peter heard the unspoken question, the twinge of desperation in Tony’s voice. Will you finally be mine? He sounded tired, that deep-in-your-bones type weariness, Peter noticed as he felt his own chest start to get tight. He’d really done a number on the person who deserved it the least. And for what? To come crawling back years later, expecting to be forgiven?

Yes, he thought in response to Tony’s question, hating himself for it. One of his hands tangled itself in the crown of Tony’s head, fingers pulling the strands at the root possessively as teeth sunk into his neck again. Yours. Always yours. He let out another moan, rolling his hips in an attempt to get some friction on his neglected cock that was weeping precum as Tony continued to thrust in and out of him. “Please, please- Tony, please.” If Peter had any shame left, he’d probably be blushing at how needy and wrecked he sounded. Instead it just turned him on, knowing just how gone he was for the other man.

With a grunt, Tony redistributed his weight and brought two fingers to Peter’s lips. “Open up fer a minute, baby,” he requested softly, slipping the digits inside. Peter laved them with his tongue, coating them with thick saliva and Tony groaned at the feeling, dick twitching in Peter’s ass. Once they were sufficiently wet, he pulled his fingers away, a thin string of drool stretching to connect them to Peter’s slick lips. “Fuckin’ gorgeous, Pete, Christ.” His calloused hand wrapped loosely around the hot, rosy cock between them. “Fuck my hand, baby.”

Peter complied without hesitation, rocking his hips and pressing his shaft in and out of the slick tunnel that was Tony’s hand. He cried out when Tony’s thumb caressed the underside of the head as the cock inside of him nailed directly into his prostate. The pressure had already been a lot, but the pleasure was suddenly overwhelming in a new way. He was so close and Tony hadn’t even been touching him for thirty seconds. “F-fuck, Tony, I’m gonna- Ahhhhh-”

“Yeah, cum for me, Pete,” Tony’s warm breath heaved into his ear, tongue sneaking out to lick the outer shell and dip inside briefly at the same time he tightened his grip on Peter’s sensitive member. “Fuck, cum for me, baby, cum on my- Cum on my cock- God-.”

And with a cry, Peter did just that, biting into Tony’s shoulder as the tension in his gut snapped, hole twitch relentlessly around the hard cock inside him as his own shot spurt after spurt of hot cum on his chest; some reached the hollow of his throat and his chin. “God, Tony, shit, shit, shit.”

“Yesssss, Pete, holy fuck.” Tony buried himself inside one last time, his mouth latching onto the column of Peter’s neck as he reached his orgasm, shoving himself inside as deep as possible. His dick twitched, painting Peter’s insides with his spend and making him groan.

They stayed that way for a moment before Tony pulled back to look into Peter’s eyes. “Lemme clean’ya up,” he offered gently as he carefully pulled his softening cock out of the heat of the younger man’s ass. There was a slight burbling sound, and he brushed his lips against Peter’s when he saw the embarrassment flash across his face. “Hol’ on.” Climbing out of the bed, he made his way to the bathroom that was adjoined to Peter’s room.

Peter’s heart was beating uncomfortably in his chest as he lay among the sheets, bringing his hands up to his chest to fiddle with each other anxiously. It couldn’t be over. He wasn’t ready for it to be over. He wasn’t ready to be alone again.

When Tony walked back in, he got back on the bed, gently wiping the cum off Peter’s chest with a warm rag, smirking at the full-body shivers that ran through the young man in response to the cloth being swiped lightly over his nipples. Once his chest was clean, Tony moved down to run the fabric between Peter’s ass cheeks, collecting the milky-white substance that was leaking out of the hole.

“Stay,” Peter whispered, once Tony had thrown the washcloth in the hamper and climbed back into bed at Peter’s invitation of patting the spot beside himself in bed. He wiggled so that his back was pressed up against Tony’s front. His fingers tangled themselves with those on a slightly larger hand and as he let his eyes slip shut, he felt Tony’s lips press a kiss into the sweaty curls at the back of his head.

***

When Peter woke up, it was well past noon. The bed was so warm that the heat from his and Tony’s bodies trapped up under the fluffy comforter would be sweltering if he didn’t crave it so much.

Peter swallowed drily as he looked at Tony’s face in the afternoon light, peaceful in sleep. At some point during their sleep, they had shifted to where they were facing each other. He wanted to trace his fingers along the strong facial features in front of him, but he refrained, not wanting to wake the older man. He knew he needed to talk to Tony. He knew that Tony deserved better. But maybe Peter could be selfish just this once... It was Christmas after all. Tis the damn season and all that.

Leaning forward, with a hand pressed gently against Tony’s chest, Peter pecked his lips against the sleeping man’s in a kiss. He got no response, so he did it again, adding a little more pressure. Tony began to stir; his arm wrapped lazily around Peter’s naked waist, pulling their bottom halves together.

“G’mornin’,” Tony mumbled sleepily as he blinked a few times before his gaze focused on Peter. His voice was scratchy and rough, and Peter’s hips jerked slightly in response as he whispered back his own greeting, partially because Tony had begun to get hard. The mechanic brought up a hand and took hold of Peter’s chin, pulling their mouths together as he ground their burgeoning erections together.

Peter wrapped a leg around Tony’s waist as they lay there on their sides and began to gently rock his hips. “Tony,” he mewled, eyes screwed shut. The words were bubbling up inside him, just like the arousal was blooming in his gut. One of his arms wrapped around Tony’s neck, pulling their bodies together as close as they could get.

“Yeah,” came Tony’s breathy reply. His eyes were roving over Peter’s flushed face as he undulated his own hips, thumb coming up to press against the younger’s spit-slick bottom lip. “Whadisit?”

Peter took the digit into his mouth for a moment and they made eye contact as he swirled his tongue around the tip, fellating it. He released it from his mouth with a pop, biting his own lip. “Am I too late,” he asked quietly, burying his face in the muscled chest before him, pecking tender kisses on the heated flesh. “Do you still love me?” His voice shook as he continued, breath faltering as well as the sensations built up. He squeezed his eyes shut even though Tony couldn’t see the tears building in his eyes as he chased his pleasure, preparing for the inevitable pain that was sure to follow.

“Pete.” The way Tony said his name was reverent, like he didn’t see Peter for the walking mistake that he was. He was breathing heavier now, too, with the exertion of frotting their hard cocks together. “How could I ever stop, baby?” He craned his neck in order to meet Peter’s eyes. “Was just waitin’ on ya t’come home.” He pressed their lips together as Peter’s leg tightened around his waist. “Was always just waitin’ on ya t’come home,” he repeated. A particularly hard thrust had them both groaning, clutching desperately at each other as they chased that euphoric feeling. “’Course I love you, Peter. Now cum for me.”

Peter couldn’t help but obey as a sob burst from his lips, Tony following him over the edge. “I love you,” he cried, as their bodies shook together. “I’m s-sorry Tony, I love you- Don’t go, don’t ever leave me. I won’t- I promise I won’t go again. I can’t go again, I can’t leave you again. I won’t.” Tony’s thumbs came up to wipe the tears from under his eyes, and a kiss was pressed to his temple as he felt himself be pulled into those strong arms.

“I’d never leave you, Pete.”

***

The bed was cold when Peter woke again. He lay there, watching the sunset through his bedroom window. Gentle creaks could be heard as the house groaned under pressure from the falling snow. He rolled over, grimacing at the pain in his lower half and pulling a pillow to his chest. It still smelled of teakwood, smoke, and gasoline. He smiled, burying his face further into the intoxicating scent. “I love you,” he whispered to the empty house, feeling lighter than he had in years.

(Yes, the bed was cold, now. But Tony would be back to warm it up. And he’d have burgers, fries, and a banana milkshake when he returned. Maybe even a joint. Peter was glad he didn’t have to wait long. They’d had just about enough of that over the past seven years.)

#starker #hey it might be a week later than i intended to finish but at least it's out by christmas #bloo writes bad things (tm)#enjoy!

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lauwrite1225 · 3 years

Text

Somebody to die for.

Finan x OC; The Old Guard inspired Alternative Universe

Summary : Victoria’s life is rather simple until she has a car accident from which she ends up miraculously unscathed. A series of weird events animates her daily life, everything seemingly bringing her to a strange man. Until this very man knocks at her door.

Spotify Playlist • Masterlist

A/N : Happy F- SIHTRIC SUNDAY!! I'm so sorry for the time it took to publish, but I had a lot of classes and the person that proofread my chapters usually was very busy, so i have to thanks @osferth for proofreading this week💕💕 Anyway! There it is! Thank you so much for all your comments and likes and so sorry again for being late D: 💕

Warnings : mention of deaths

Chapter 7 : Je suis le roi, le roi des cons

“Are ya sure it’s here?”

“Yes I am. I saw the name of this supermarket and there’s no one else around.”

Finan sighs annoyingly, leaning back in the driver’s seat, his fingers drumming impatiently on the gear level. They have been waiting in the back parking of the Carrefour for three hours now, looking for the woman they are suspecting knows Osferth. They arrived in France two days ago, and Victoria couldn’t help the surprised look she gave to Finan when she realised how good he was speaking french.

“French women find the accent sexy when I speak french and others find speaking french hot.” He explained after they asked their way to a woman who gave him a gracious smile after.

“Oh, a real benefit then.” She commented, pretending to be impressed, even if she might be part of the other women.

Finan grinned broadly. “Indeed.”

Another thing that this time didn’t make her laugh, was Finan’s skills when it comes to stealing a car. She never felt more nervous than when he asked her to check if no one was coming while he was trying to start the car.

“Maybe she doesn’t work today.” He mumbles under his breath but Vicky ignores him when she spots a woman coming out of the back door.

“Oh Christ, I think it’s her.” She exclaims, taping Finan’s arm to have him look.

The woman walks away from the door, looking at her phone while searching something in her bag. “Alright, I'm goin', stay in the car.” He says, opening the door as Vicky rolls her eyes, tired of always having to wait in the car.

“Bonne chance!” She tells him with her best french accent, looking forward to how he'll convince the woman to tell them where Osferth is. (Good luck!)

Finan rolls his eyes and closes the door. She immediately opens the window to try to hear something, even if she doubts being able to understand half of the conversation, but at least their tones would give her a clue on how well it's going.

“Excusez-moi de vous déranger!” He calls the woman and she immediately looks up to him with furrowed eyebrows. (Sorry to bother you!)

Victoria leans forward, trying to see the woman's expression as Finan and her talk. She seems on her guard, looking around and her hand playing with her car's keys. She shakes her head and starts to walk away but Finan catches her back, grabbing her arm. Doubting he will succeed with how reluctant the woman is, she opens the car and joins them, taking her sketchbook with her. When he notices her approaching, the Irishman lets go of her arm while she studies Victoria with the same distrust that she has for Finan.

“She says she doesn't know him.” He grumbles, crossing his arms over his chest.

“I don't know who the hell you are talking about.” She confirms with a light French accent, though she keeps staring at Vicky awkwardly.

Victoria opens her sketchbook to a page where she drew Osferth and her on the next one. She gives her the work and her eyes widen. “You must know him, because he does know you.” She says in a soft but nonetheless determined tone.

The woman hesitates, looking between the two strangers and then back to the drawing. “How did you do that?” She asks Vicky.

“I've been dreaming of him, just like he probably does dream of me, right?” She tilts her head and at how the woman bites her lip, she knows she's right. Through her dreams she has learned that Osferth and she are close and that he told her his secret. Finan keeps thinking it was risky to trust the woman, but Vicky is confident.

“Are you like him?” She asks carefully, Vicky and Finan nodding immediately. “What do you want from him?”

Vicky glances at Finan for some sort of approval before answering. “He may be in danger, we need to talk to him.”

She runs her hand through her hair before giving back her sketchbook to Vicky, her expression conflicted between mistrust and worry. But she eventually sighs and accepts. “Alright, follow my car.”

Victoria huffs in relief while Finan mutters something in Gaelic. She stretches out her hand toward the woman with a kind smile. “I'm Victoria, and this is Finan.”

“Sophie.” She replies before they separate to join their respective cars.

Vicky can't help but smile widely once they are on the road, excited by the idea of meeting others like her. She dares to hope that this time, no one will die as when she met Finan. The thought amuses her and she turns to him to remind him of it, but she changes her mind when she notices how tensed his jaw is, his thumb tapping the steering wheel frantically. He is nervous again, like he has been since they arrived in France. He hasn't seen his friends for centuries and she supposes that he fears their rejection. Though she hopes that her presence could ease possible tensions.

When they stop at a red light, Victoria reaches for his forearm, her palm grazing over it until her thumb can rub the back of his hand. He turns his head to her and she didn't expect his intense dark gaze to leave her breathless. However she doesn't look away and gives him the most reassuring smile she is able to make, her fingers squeezing his wrist.

“It's going to be alright.”

His features seem to ease at her words and he let go of his grip on the steering wheel to shift his hand and grab hers, but before he can, the light is green again and a car behind urges them to move. Victoria removes her hand, looking away as she becomes aware of the heat in her cheeks.

They don't talk for the rest of the way. They quickly are driving through the countryside, still following Sophie close, and Vicky finds that it isn’t so different from England. After twenty minutes, she takes a small dirt road that makes the car tremble. They enter a thick pine forest and she has to hold the handle above the window’s door while the car struggles in the mud. But finally they reach a small clearing, an old stoned house standing in the middle of it. Sophie stops her car while a man, alarmed by the engine noises walks out of the house. The french joins the blond man and exchanges a few words that confuse him. Victoria gets out of the car and who she now recognizes perfectly as Osferth looks at her with wide eyes, but it's nothing compared to how his mouth drops when the driver door slams and he stares at Finan appearing behind her.

“Finan?” Osferth calls him, disbelieving.

The Irish warrior stops a few steps in front of Vicky, a tight and shy smile on his face, his eyes not daring to meet his friend's one. “Hi Baby Monk.” He greets him, waving his hand.

Osferth huffs a laugh before crossing the gap between them until he takes him in a strong embrace, letting Finan frozen by surprise for a second. He wraps his arms around his friend's shoulders, holding him tightly and Vicky can't help the way her heart melts at the scene.

“You are alive.” Osferth breathes, his hands holding Finan.

Finan chuckles. “I can hardly die, Osferth.”

The blond man opens his mouth, but finally gives him an awkward smile. Then, he turns to Victoria, studying her intently with his clear eyes. “How did you find me?”

Finan glances at Vicky, giving her a grin before looking back at his friend. “Through Victoria's dreams. She is just like us.”

Osferth makes another huff and softly smiles at her, which she gives another huff. “I thought it wasn't real.” He blinks a few times before motioning and designating the house. “Come, come inside.”

Osferth leads them inside, and Vicky can't help but whisper 'I told you' to Finan before they pass the front door. He rolls his eyes, but keeps smiling, so she squeezes his arm gently before taking place at the table Osferth points at. Sophie brings them glasses of water and finally sits next to Osferth, quite close in Vicky's opinion.

The former monk, if she believes what Finan told her about him, leans forward, his hands joined upon the table. “So, how did you two meet?”

Vicky puts down her glass. “Well, Finan followed his dreams, just like we did for you. One day he knocked at my door and killed himself in my flat.”

She can feel Finan offended glare at how she foretold their meeting. “That's a really short summary.” He comments, pointing a finger at her but speaking at their hosts' attention.

Vicky waves her hand. “The most important lines.”

Osferth and Sophie only nod slowly, the story sounding really strange in just a few words. Though, the blond shakes his head and turns to Vicky with a hint of curiosity making him narrow his eyes. “But how long have you been immortal? We've traveled all around the world and we have never found someone else.”

Vicky hesitates, so much happened in so little time to her that she isn't sure anymore. “Hum… About two months.”

“Oh… So you died in the car accident?” Osferth raises his eyebrows until she nods in agreement. “And, why are you here?” He asks, this time looking at both of them alternately.

Vicky glances at Finan, his smile now gone, and clear her throat. “Maybe you've seen it, but we've been attacked.”

“We don't know who they are but they were searchin' for Victoria, and they knew that she is immortal even if she talked about it to no one.” Finan explains, his hand moving with the glass still in it.

Sophie gives a sort of gasp and she grabs Osferth's hand. “You think they could search for us too?” The monk frowns.

Finan shakes his head and presses his index on the table. “I don't know, but if they've found her, they can find y'all too. You need to warn Uhtred and Sihtric, to tell them to be careful.”

“I can't warn them.” Osferth answers after a heart beat.

This time, it's Finan who frowns, letting go of the glass. “What?” He leans forward after a blink. “No, you must know where they-”

“I can't warn them, Finan.” He cuts across him. “Because Sihtric is gone and Uhtred… Uhtred is dead.”

The sudden silence is thick as Victoria falls breathless at Osferth's words. She can't believe what he said and she has to keep herself from asking him to repeat it. But the monk's tight expression, his jaw twitching and lips pinching, is enough to prove her that she heard him well.

“What? How's that possible?” Finan asks, confused.

“We don't know, but it did happen.” Osferth answers, looking down.

“When?”

He opens his mouth, searching words and Sophie holds his hand tighter but still tenderly. “It was during the Second World War. We were going to save prisoners from German soldiers. We were just the three of us, but Uhtred was determined and sure it would go as we planned. But it was a trap, there were no prisoners. So we ran away, they were shooting at us and we got separated. It took me two hours to find Sihtric. We searched for Uhtred and when we found him, he still hadn't come back.”

He makes a pause, taking a deep breath while tears roll down his cheeks, a reflection of those on Finan's face. But when Osferth struggles to speak through the deep sadness that his friend's loss provoked, Finan on the other hand still can't believe it, eyes wide and not even staring at the monk anymore. As Vicky blinks, she realises her eyes are wet too, of shock and compassion for her friend.

Osferth swallows before continuing his story. “We waited so long, under the rain, utterly wet and freezing like hell. But he never came back.” He wipes his tears with his sleeve.

“Sihtric?” Finan asks under his breath.

The monk sniffs and sighs regretfully. “We tried to stay together, but he was more and more distant. One day he just… He just left without a word.”

Finan nods but Victoria doubts he has accepted the information. He stands up, his hand flat on the table and his face dark, the chair squeaking as he does so. He is about to say something, the three others staring at him, but he just closes his mouth and leaves the house.

“I'm so sorry.” Vicky stammers, torn apart between Finan's pain that affects her more than she expected and the shock of the revelation. She rises from her chair as well, her hand waving toward the door. “I should go with him, see if he's fine.”

Sophie walks around the table and rubs her arm in a kind attempt. “Sure, go.”

When she is outside, Victoria perceives Finan crouched, gripping his hair fiercely, his back to her. She steps carefully toward him but he doesn't react until she runs her hand between his shoulder blades.

“I'm such an idiot.” He whispers barely audibly before he stands up, towering one head over Victoria of one head. She bites her lip at how much hatred is burning in his eyes, but the anger is only towards himself. “I'm a fuckin' idiot!” He shouts, gripping his shirt over his chest. “If I wasn't so stubborn. If I had searched for them before, maybe it wouldn't have happened, maybe I could have helped, maybe-”

“Finan that's enough.” She orders him, clasping her palms over his cheeks to force him to look at her. “Rewriting the past is useless, it will change nothing.”

“They were my brothers and I abandoned them.” He mutters guiltily.

She brushes back the hair falling over his forehead, resting her hand then on the back of his neck. “You're not responsible for what happened.”

He lets out some sort of strangled sob before leaning down, seeking the comfort of her embrace and she doesn't reject him. For the second time in a few days, she lets him cry on her shoulder, holding him tight. Her heart squeezes, thinking about the new wound Uhtred's loss is creating in the middle of the Irishman's heart already full of scars. He spoke to her of his friend and his adventures with so much pride and joy, describing the strong bond between them. She can only imagine the pain through the one she would feel if she learned Rebecca's death.

When he has calmed down, after long minutes, she stays with him while he smokes a cigarette, sitting on the floor, back against the car. “It doesn't make sense.” He mutters, smoke escaping his mouth.

Vicky glances at him. “Maybe we are just an anomaly?” She says, not really having thought about it before asking. “And our death has just been programmed in the wrong time.”

Finan huffs, closing his red and swollen eyes before raising his face to the now darkening sky. “That's crazy.”

“As if something hasn't been so far.” She shrugs before resting her head against his shoulder, closing her eyelids as well and remaining focused on Finan's slow breath.

“Thank ya.” He whispers, barely audible as the words mixed with his exhale.

“For what?”

“Bein' here.”

Tag : @for-bebbanburg @osferth @maggiescarborough @finansarms @dumbledoreisnotmyhubby @solinarimoon

#the old guard #the last kingdom #finan #finan the agile #tlk #fanfiction #finanxoc #somebody to die for

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parkwendy98 · 3 years

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My favorite Kpop releases in 2020

Girls - Nature

Girls by Nature is my favorite Kpop release of 2020 because of the mystery the song gives. The song makes you anticipated with what the solution is but it never gives it to you and you want more. This isn’t a bad thing especially with the music video. This music video was creepy but it was creepy mostly because of the mystery aspect. Throughout the music video, you keep asking yourself why or what and towards the end none of the questions are answered. This song also gives me a nostalgic feel from old Kpop in a way but it fits so well with 2020. The song itself, just kept bringing me in and the music video as well. When I first listened to this song, I was left in confusion because of how the music video ended. I kept listening to the song and watching the music video to figure it out but nothing. The song itself is just a really interesting song and the music video brings alive the song even more. If you watch the music video there two versions one normal and the other one uncensored. If you watched the uncensored trigger warning, there’s blood, there’s stabbing and mental distress throughout. Nature had a release before this called Oopsie My Bad and that song I liked but it wasn’t enough to bring me in but Girls did that for me. I’ve listened to videos with this song on a hour loop and the sad thing is, I never noticed it being that long because I just enjoy the song so much. This song truly captured my attention and I’m interested to see Nature’s future.

Dazzle Dazzle- Weki Meki

Dazzle Dazzle by Weki Meki was such a cute song and it just makes me smile when I listened to it. Dazzle Dazzle aesthetic in the music video was something that I loved and the outfits as well brought the song more alive to me. Weki Meki had a successful year and all the title songs they had were also some of my favorites of this year. I picked Dazzle Dazzle to be my favorite out of the others because it’s so playful and it was something I was actually craving this year. I love all types of concepts but I couldn’t help myself wanting a cute song and this song gave me that. Not only is the song cute but the dance is also very cute and it matches the song perfectly. It's a song that I play when I clean because it makes it more fun or whatever I'm doing fun. I hope Weki Meki gets more recognition in the years to come because their dances and raps are some of my favorite within girl groups.

Monster - Irene and Seulgi

Monster by Irene and Seulgi made me feel like a vampire killing men at midnight but looking sexy. The beginning of the song is already eerie and it drives you in with the loudness of the bass. Then Seulgi starts singing and it makes you feel like your captured in a trance. Seulgi’s voice throughout the song is one of her best vocal performance to me because it shows her technique and how well she can use it. The deepness of her voice brings out the sexiness the song has and it’s only the first line. Then Irene’s voice comes in with a deep and again sexy voice but it’s softer then Seulgi’s. Irene’s voice through the song isn’t battling selgui and vice versa. Their voices match perfectly for the song and the concept itself. This song and naughty was my favorite but I picked monster as the winner because of how much I loved the overall themes in the debut. The music video brought out the monster within the girls and throughout the video, it’s a battle of dominance. Monster is literally one of my favorite releases and I listen to it almost everyday, it’s a strange lullaby but I don’t fight it.

Scream- Dreamcatcher

Scream by Dreamcatcher is my second favorite title track by Dreamcatcher and this track rocked the kpop scene gathering more fans and getting more sales. The beginning of the song starts off with a track from Lord of the Rings or any final battle sequence. Dreamcatchers voices are soft and beautiful making the instrumental more demanding, the contrast is what makes every Dreamcatcher song so good in my eyes. The chorus of the song has a devil voice in the background that you hear but don’t truly notice it until later on. The rapping also comes in and it fit so well with the song, it just gives another layer of the song. The devil voice comes back with Gahyeon voice, as if the demon is within her as she sings it. Then towards the end the devil is just part of the song and it makes it known that it’s always been there. I actually had a hard time deciding between Scream and Boca because both were fantastic but Scream won because I enjoyed the demons voice in the song and the beat of the song itself. Boca is also a really good song and I recommend to listen to it but back to scream. The lyrics of scream as well talks about how words can hurt and how it just makes you want to scream because of it. The devil within the song is the people that are sending the hate and towards the end they gain control back even if the demon's voice is still heard. Scream is a good song if you want to pretend your fighting or you just want a song to make you feel empowered.

Not by the Moon - Got7

Not by the Moon by Got7 is my second favorite Got7 song because its beautiful and the music video is one of my favorites that came out this year. Dare I say it, this is my favorite boy group song that came out this year. Let me start off with the melody of the song first, the melody itself just screams royal and elegance to me. Something that I’ve seen in Got7 is the transition into more mature songs and how much I love the transition being so organic. On my favorite album list, Breath of love: Last Piece is there and I talk about how JYP didn’t touch it but within this JYP touched it. Even though JYP touched it, it doesn’t mean I hate it. I wanted Got7 to have the chance having creative outlook for once on a title track. Now back to Not by the Moon. This song made Got7 vocals sound so beautiful and it also gives their vocals a mature sound. As a person that went to a film school, the sets in this music video is so well done. The sets themselves are seen to be extravagant and at the same time simple, the sets don't clash with one another and they fit perfectly with each other. The music video and the outfits sold the theme of royal and it made me like it even more. But now let me thirst over JB in this era. Did you see that man? His outfits and his hair gave me everything. It got so bad that youtube was just showing fancams of him during this era and yes, I watched every one. Not only that, when he was dancing in the background with him being the fine piece of man he is; kept catching my eyes and I couldn’t focus on Young-Jae or Yugyeom. Thirst session over. Not by the Moon is a good sequel to the maturity that You Calling My Name gave and I can't wait to see more by Got7 in 2021.

Wannabe - Itzy

Wannabe by Itzy was the first Itzy song where I didn’t have to listen to it more than once to like it. With DALLA DALLA and ICY, it took awhile for those songs to become my top in my playlist. With the first listen of this song, I knew this was going to become my favorite by Itzy but then Not Shy came out. Wannabe and Not Shy were neck to neck in my book but Wannabe won because of the tune itself. The tune of the song does such a good job on showcasing their voices that there is no battle between them. Wannabe wasn’t something I expected with Itzy after ICY, I expected a song close to ICY but was given the opposite of ICY. Itzy theme is self love and being different, this song is continuation of that theme. This song does what DALLA DALLA does with demanding eyes to be on them but does it in a slightly more mature version of Itzy. The song still is playful but to me it has a sprinkle of mature in it. Now let's talk about the legendary shoulder move. This move changed my life, just watching it being done was so satisfying and I can't explain why it was. The dance break is my favorite dance break within Itzy, it's just so cool to see them move. Wannabe is a good extension if Itzy's themes and I can imagine it becoming a staple in their discography.

Dream of You - Chung Ha and R3HAB

Dream of you by Chung Ha and R3hab was a song that made me the hoe in me come out and I wanted to dance. It was so hard to pick what Chung Ha song I wanted to put here because all of them are so good and so different from one another. Stay Tonight gave me club kid, Play brought the dancer out but I was wearing a red dress in this one, Bad Boy was a easy song to listen to with two different voices that blend well together and then Dream of You. Dream of You brought out a different reaction, I was shocked because of the dancing that was on my screen and then the lyrics. When I heard Chung Ha say lingerie, my mind combust and I was just stuck replaying that part. The song does a good job to show Chung Ha voice but not only that shows her dancing skills that never fails to impress me. With every release she has, I know I’m going to get the full package no matter what. Somehow, she always raises the bar with her music videos, outfits, dances, and her vocals. I know she has Covid and I hope she has a speedy recovery, I also hope theres no long term effects on her health from this. I think Chung Ha is on her way making herself a legend within Kpop and I can't wait to see that for her.

Yours - Chanyeol, Raiden, Lee Hi, Changmo

Before I get into the song, Chanyeol in a suit with nothing underneath his jacket and the only thing I can see is two necklaces makes me want to become a flight attendant. Not only did he give me that look but he also gave me ripped jeans and a blazer, this man is going to give me a heart attack and I'm going to say thank you. Anyways, Yours by Chanyeol, Raiden, Lee Hi and Changmo was a song that I played the most at night because Chanyeol’s and Lee Hi’s voice was so soft that it could easily put you to sleep. This was my third most played song of 2020 on Spotify for good reason. For starters Chanyeol is my man and I gotta support his hoe ass but another reason is just how peaceful this song is. I had a hard time because I wanted to put Minimal Warm because that was another song I listened to at night and is currently on my 2020 favs on itunes. The hoe in me wanted to give both but I realized that Yours won because Chanyeol rapped in the beginning of Yours and I am a simp for rapper Chanyeol. The song just makes me feel like we're driving to the beach and making a small video when we get there. This song was a light hearted summer song and boy did it make me fall more in love with Chanyeol's hoe ass even more. Lee Hi's voice is a nice addition that makes the song feel even more light and her voice is just nice and smooth. Changmo rap also didn't change the song and it continue the them of light hearted summer song. This song is my lullaby most nights and Chanyeol I miss you on instagram.

Helicopter - CLC

Helicopter by CLC was another long awaited comeback and there was fear because there was a rumor that disbandment was going to be CLC'S next step. I waited for any news and then I saw Yeeun on Good Girl and it made me realize a comeback is coming. When I heard the second teaser of Helicopter, I knew I was going to like the song and I was right. This is one of the best comebacks of 2020 in my opinion because how long we waited for it. Helicopter is as song that I think defines CLC as a whole with the lyrics, the dance, the attitude, and the music video. "I go up in the sky Jumping over the time and space, I changed everything for this moment. A night covered in a veil, passing through a long day. I’m gonna make it big, no doubt. There ain’t no star that cannot shine, let’s hang out at the top." I think these lyrics express everything we want CLC to achieve and what they want to do as well. This song is their driving force to become better and no matter they will reach the top. This song gives you the empowerment to do anything and never give up just like CLC. I'm excited to see more from them and make sure to check their covers, my personal favorite is fly me to the moon.

To be or Not to be - Oneus

To Be or Not to Be by Oneus wasn’t the song I expected after A Song Written Easily because of how different they are. The shock on my face when I saw the teaser for it and the excitement I had because it was new for them. I’ve been a fan of Oneus since they debuted and they’re actually in my top ten boy groups. Their past songs have been dark but To Be or Not to Be was truly one of the darkest songs that they have done. The music video showed off the darkness of the song so well that it didn’t feel like a music video but a movie. This is my favorite music video that came out in 2020 because of the production and the sets that was in it was just so beautiful. The music video is more story telling then other music videos that they have done but it matches at the same time. The rapping in this song was so good, it demanded attention and the deep voices they had just matched so well with the song. The dance that they had with this song truly blew me away and there parts in the dance where I was shocked, the throwing of the members just matched the song so perfectly. Now lets talk about music video. This music video again was my favorite music video that came out of 2020 because of the story telling it had. In the very first shot, it was light from the sunlight and they were seen wearing white clothing at table with a white table cloth but when the song starts the scene changes into a darker scene. In writing, white is the symbol of purity, innocence and simplicity so when the scene changes to black, you can still see them wearing white but the environment is darker now. As the song moves forward it transitions between the dark and the light. Within the music video, there's flashes of red and red is seen as a overlay in some parts. In film and writing red is the color of anger, passion, love and desire. The useage of red throughout the video makes the song comes more alive. I'm going to stop talking about the music video now because I can just go on for hours on it. The music video and song blend so well with each other that it truly does feel like your watching a movie. I hope they can continue this film work in later videos because it made the song even more special.

Hmph! - WJSN Chocome

Hmph! by WJSN Chocome was the song that I wanted all year and then I was given it, after complaining. See when you complain sometimes you just win and this is my example of that. I can say how playful this song is but I don't even think that word does it justice. This song was so cute and adorable when I first heard it I fell in love with it. In the beginning the song is already bringing you in with the unique beats that I have never heard before. The music video matches the weirdness of this song and it takes the cute to the next level for me. In the music video it shows the dance and the dance is so cute with the song. The whole song, music video, outfits, and dance is the cutest thing I have seen this year. I hope WJSN does a concept like this in the future or maybe another song by WJSN Chocome because I love it and i support the idea of it.

La Di Da - Everglow

La Di Da by Everglow is such a contrast to the last comebacks that they had in past but at the same time it fit with the concept they have established for themselves. When I heard La Di Da teaser I was excited because on my favorite album list, The Weeknd album was my favorite of 2020. This song gave me the vibes of blinding lights and I enjoyed it. Not only that but the part Everglow, forever lets go was the most unexpected break of a song that I have heard but it's my favorite. I hope that becomes their intro when they do interviews because its a cool saying to me. The raps brought more depth to the song and it made love Aisha even more. The outfits of this era was so pretty and I like anything with sequins. The dance had voguing in it and being a huge fan of drag queens, if I see any type of voguing I’m living for it. I know Sihyeon and Yiren tested positive for covid and I hope for a speedy recovery and I also hope this doesn't cost long term damage.

Honorable mentions:

Arisong - Cignature

1 billion views (feat. Moon) - EXO-SC

My Day is Full of You - Zico, Wendy

Butterfly - WJSN

Lovesick Girls- Blackpink

Feel Good - Fromis_9

God’s Menu - Stray Kids

Secret Story of the Swan - Izone

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dentalrecordsmusic · 5 years

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Tomorrow Needs You - A Look Back on Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys

Words by Ari Jindracek

As everybody, their mothers, and their distressed and confused cats probably know by now, My Chemical Romance is alive again and it's not a fever dream. The new era is upon us and fans are seemingly coming out of the woodwork to experience it. We've talked about My Chemical Romance before here at Dental Records, but not as a group who collectively couldn't get tickets to their reunion show before it sold out in under ten minutes. However, I'm not here to talk about the reunion. This November of 2019 is another time of importance in the MCR calendar: the ninth birthday of Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys, an album set in California 2019 (by design or not, the exact time and place of the reunion show). I got into MCR because of Danger Days. I have also, in recent months, heard from more people who hate it than I usually do. A few weeks ago, I read a very well written article that I will not name that was all about how good MCR was… until the "embarrassment" that was Danger Days. I started worrying if my favorite album of all time was actually awful and universally hated, and that liking it made me somehow a bad fan. 2019, the year I daydreamed about in 2010, is here. Does Danger Days still hold up?

Long story short: yes.

That doesn’t mean that every song is perfect. It doesn’t even mean that I love it as much as I used to. Frankly, I don’t. I will not say that Danger Days is the best album ever written because that would make me a liar. However, the important things are still the same. “Look Alive, Sunshine” still fills me with a burst of energy and affection, and its transition into “Na Na Na (Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na)” is still, despite the choppiness of Spotify, smooth and perfect. The poppy repeated chorus of “Na Na Na” may ring a bit asinine now, but the fact that it comes up again later in the album justifies it, and the bridge stolen from the scrapped song “Make Room!!!” (“everybody wants to change the world but no one wants to die, wanna try?”) feels more poignant now than it did when I was fourteen and had no way of changing anything. “Bulletproof Heart” is one of the songs that doesn’t hold up as well as it could have; the bouncy guitar-and-bass riff is fun, to hear and to play (Danger Days contains many of the few songs I can play on my bass guitar), but, apart from joining up with the Killjoy theme of running away from the oppressive city, I never felt a huge amount of affection for it. Talking about “these pigs” and “this world” being on the speaker’s tail--the speaker, in my mind, is very much not Gerard Way--in a world where police brutality has been in and out of the spotlight is strange as an allegory, because in my maturity, I am aware of its reality for many members of my community. The bridge is better than I remember it, though. There’s a hope that mirrors the introductory verse of “Welcome to the Black Parade”: “are you gonna be the one to save us...are you gonna be the one left standing?” While there is a question here, there is also faith in the listener, that, if enough fans listen to the record, someone will be the one left standing.

On the note of hope, I want to spend a lot of time on “SING,” the song that got me into My Chemical Romance, and, if I can be cliche, the first song that saved my life. Musically, my love for it has waned; the only part that I really like anymore is the bridge, which has enough of an anti-corporate, anti-establishment message that it got Glenn Beck of Fox News to call it propaganda, and enough rhythmic and melodic difference from the rest of the song to really grip my interest. However, its message follows beautifully from the bridge of “Bulletproof Heart.” There is a pleading hopefulness in “SING” that had been present in a variety of My Chemical Romance songs since Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge, but this is its most obvious, smack-in-the-face incarnation. Will you see what tomorrow brings, be what tomorrow needs? The song positions it as a choice, but as one where the necessary answer is yes, and the “you” is as personal as it is universal. There are two halves to the song’s hope, it seems: tomorrow needs you (so you have to stay alive), and tomorrow needs you (so you have to help make the world a better place). In words I could easily understand, at a time when I sorely needed it, an artist I respected was telling me that I could, and should, make something of myself, for the rest of the world. No wonder I have a savior complex; no wonder I peeled off my adolescent thoughts of suicide and put on a Killjoy mask. Musically, no, “SING” is not My Chemical Romance’s best song, I’ll admit that. I cannot, however, dismiss what it meant and still means to me: that I can and must improve myself and do whatever I can to help the rest of the world, because I am needed.

“Planetary (GO!)” is more bouncy-fun than it is meaningful, at least in my ears. With the spunky bassline and funky ambulance-siren synths, it’s a rave song more than it is a song that makes you change the way you change your life, which means it fulfilled its purpose as My Chemical Romance’s best try for a danceable song. It goes well with the narrative of neon-bright desert outlaws; the fact that the video for “Planetary (GO!)” is just a recut of live footage is a crime because it deserved a Killjoy smash-grab bank robbery narrative to go behind it. “The Only Hope for Me Is You” is, frankly, the most forgettable song on the album, in that, Danger Days superfan though I am, I sometimes forget it exists. It hearkens back to “Skylines and Turnstiles,” the first My Chemical Romance song, in some ways: the mentions of embers, ash, and “people burn[ing] in purifying flame” remind me, at least, of the falling of the Twin Towers that sparked the band’s creation. It does not do nearly as good a job as “Skylines and Turnstiles” if that was what it was trying to do. The theme of hope comes back--obviously, it’s in the title--but in a more romantic way, as in the later “Summertime.” It doesn’t feel like the “you” in this song can be me, like it did in “SING.” The listeners are not Gerard Way’s only hope. The bridge, especially, is weak, as it just repeats the title of the song over a basic build-up-drop-off dynamic structure.

The first “story arc” ends here, and the second, more emotionally intense, arc picks up with “Jet Star and the Kobra Kid / Traffic Report,” where Dr. Death Defying states, barely saddened under his made-up slang, that Ray Toro and Mikey Way’s Killjoy personas have been killed. In the end, a Doppler-effect synth rips into the drums intro to “Party Poison.” The Japanese dialogue over the intro here doesn’t match with anything else from the album, though I do remember live shows from this era starting with similar narration in Japanese (if my memory has failed me, I cite the nine intervening years). “Party Poison” is danceable like “Planetary (GO!)” but with bite behind it-- “this ain’t a party,” Gerard Way sings, “get off the dance floor.” Narratively, two of the people closest to him, one of them being his brother, have died, of course, it’s not a party! I love this song for its head-bopping guitars and the near-egomania of the lyrics. Titular character Party Poison is at a point in his narrative where he’s out of his mind with rage and has fallen into an adolescent sense of invulnerability. In “Save Yourself, I’ll Hold Them Back,” that crashes down with a bitter reprise of the “na na na”s from, of course, “Na Na Na.” The joyous colorful energy from before is gone, replaced with “a heart attack in black hair dye.” I personally think “Save Yourself” is one of My Chemical Romance’s best songs. The lyrics stun me still. There’s hope in it-- “not a victim of the victim’s life” and “we can live forever if you’ve got the time.” There’s barely-concealed fear-- “the good guys die and the bad guys win / who cares?” There’s anger in how, during the bridge, Gerard Way’s terse vocals become screams. It’s a mess of emotion and it’s amazing.

Which makes it disappointing that it's followed by "S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W" and "Summertime,” which I thought, even at the time when I was creepily obsessed with Danger Days, were two of the weakest tracks. I can barely tell what kind of genre "S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W" is trying to emulate. The instrumentals (aside from the bridge) are far too simple for a band with the highly skilled Toro in its corner, there's more chorus than there is verse, and the lyrics read like a nonsensical nursery rhyme. However, I don't think "S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W" is the weakest song on the album because of how well it fits into the narrative; it's a goodbye-be-safe for the girl who features in the music videos as her guardians run off on a suicide mission. "Summertime,” in contrast, doesn't fit that narrative. It's Gerard Way's spunky, synthed-up version of the classic love song, obviously written to his wife, who he exchanged messages with by writing cryptic messages on his skin--"you can write it on your arm,” anyone? It's cute; the saccharine love is obvious, the solo gets its due time, and the bassline is fun. I like what the song is about more than I like, well, the song. I'm glad it exists, but although I'd never do so now, I used to actually skip past it in my iPod Classic days. I grew into "Summertime" when I got my first boyfriend, but as a My Chemical Romance song, it feels much too generic. "DESTROYA" pops the bubblegum idyll from its first few notes: something, represented by the drums, has come crawling up into the narrative of fun, and it's howling mad. The song is named after the robot god of the comic adaptation, but in the fandom at the time, many, myself included, assumed that Destroya was some sort of horrific, destructive force, based exclusively on the song. The fast pace of the rhythm and the vocals is furious. The verses scream out sickness and the main chorus spits the disillusionment from "Save Yourself" anew, culminating in the bridge, where "luck" and "love,” "us" and "you" are doubled on top of each other, the only constants God and The Enemy. "If what you are is just what you own / what have you become when they take from you / almost everything?" is simply put but absolutely rips through me sometimes, usually when I'm already in the throes of an identity crisis. The song feels like it's about to tear itself in half. Strange but fitting, then, that it segues into what would be, for nine years, My Chemical Romance's final credits.

I didn't get what "Kids From Yesterday" meant in 2010, but "this could be the last of all the rides we take" is, in retrospect, as subtle as a brick to the eye (I remember reading people theorizing that this could, in fact, be the last of My Chemical Romance’s albums on the MCRmy forums in 2010 or 2011 -- we all laughed it off). Acclaimed by several of the band members as among their favorite songs, “Kids From Yesterday” isn’t necessarily my cup of tea, but I can see why people love it so much. The rhythm is steady and easy, with the synths and guitars floating over it like puffy clouds over the sprawling desert, and the vocals soar even above that; it’s a song you pan out for. The lyrics, beyond the obvious farewells, are easy to pick out and easy to like. “You only hear the music when your heart begins to break” meant something indescribable to me in my teens, and I routinely wore one of those slim rubbery bracelets with the lyric on it. “Does the television make you feel the pills you ate / or every person that you need to be?” wraps up the themes of Danger Days neatly--the Better Living Industries medication and the necessity of being someone for somebody. “Goodnight, Dr. Death” wraps up the actual narrative by taking the one speaking character from the Killjoy universe and pulling him off the air with one last message and a glitched-out version of the national anthem (again: how did we miss that?). The final song of My Chemical Romance’s final full, complete album, “Vampire Money,” is a middle finger to the Twilight movies, a break from the Killjoy personas--the band members speak under their own names, no more pseudonyms--and a high-power, over-caffeinated, airport-bar-fight beat with a shrieking guitar solo, pointed pop cultural references, and a breakdown like someone actually broke the drum kit. If a song makes you want to simultaneously dance on the street and light up Molotov cocktails, it’s a good song. At the end of an era, it’s a good song, and the clatter at the end a fitting way to go out: with a bang, or a series of them. I don’t know if My Chemical Romance knew, at the time, that this would be the last album they would record--possibly ever, if the reunion does not come with a new album. If they did, hey, they picked a good song to play during the final straightaway.

Besides the messages of hope and fun, my favorite thing about Danger Days was the story. My Chemical Romance is a band of concept albums, and if you use the music videos for “Na Na Na” and “SING” as jumping-off points, the concept of Danger Days is the easiest to follow--no wonder, since it was based on a comic Gerard Way wanted to, and later did, write. Before the comic came out, though, it was still a great source of creativity for me. The world of the Killjoys was just fleshed out enough to give me, and others like me, a starting point to build the world on our own, but just bare-bones enough to give its fans room to add to the story however we wanted. I have written things on and off since I was about six, but once I started working within the Danger Days universe, supplementing the canon story with my own characters and ideas, I feel as though I became a writer. About half of the characters I work with today were originally Killjoys or Draculoids. I believe that Danger Days specifically stimulated the creative process as well, because the meta-text to the album was all about creativity. The slogans “art is the weapon against life as a symptom” and “would you destroy something perfect to make it beautiful?” were and still are influential in how I feel about the importance of artistic expression in the world. I was in a bad place when I first heard Danger Days; the hopefulness gave me a glimpse of better feelings, and the encouragement to create gave me a method to get the feelings I was having out of my head.

When I was fourteen, when Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys came out, I would daydream about what life would be like in 2019. It got me through a lot of bumps in my life, cliche as it is. I am glad that I am able to look back on it, in 2019, and see it past the fog of nostalgia, and still love it, even though I can tell that the legs it stands on are somewhat wobblier than I remember. Is it a perfect album? No. I’m not going to make that decision. However, it’s not an embarrassment, and it doesn’t deserve the hate it gets just because it’s more colorful than the rest of the My Chemical Romance canon. I truly think that the real beauty of Danger Days doesn’t necessarily lie in every song individually but in the narrative as a whole and in its message: be loud and angry when faced with injustice, be loud and joyous when faced with love, and, most importantly, be loudly yourself as you face down a future that needs, specifically, you.

Please direct all tweets about how much “SING” means to you to Ari Jindracek on Twitter. Please direct all tweets about how much “SING” sucks to anybody else.

Follow DRM on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

Subscribe to the DRM YouTube channel.

#my chemical romance #mcr #my chem #danger days #ari jindracek #feature #gerard way #frank iero #mikey way #ray toro

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cortexifansquint · 5 years

Photo

matching pairings & annotations under the cut!

Youtube (x) Spotify ( x)

Buffy / Cordelia / Willow

* Cloud 69 // Lowell

I'm like dynamite / need a cheerleader / let me throw you down / while I look at her / I'm like "Oh my god / I think I need a girlfriend"

* Crazy // Au Revoir Simone

you knew me, wanna love to lose and to lose again / seems we're either giving up or giving in / but, uh, you girls, you drive me crazy

Willow / Tara

* There’s a Girl // The Ditty Bops

there's a girl that you might know / she's a friend at least I tell you so / but it might surprise you to find / there's something going on behind the door

* Horizon // Luna Blake

you tower over me / you are sky and I am sea

* Truthfully // Lisa Loeb

truthfully, I really can't explain / I'm floating, I'm smiling again

* Room // Palehound

she comes over / growing like a clover / in my room / in my room

* Sugar in a Pie // Erin McKeown

love me sweet like a sugar in a pie / kiss me deep with a dreamy little sigh

Faith / Buffy

* Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover // Sophie B. Hawkins

that old dog has chained you up, alright / give you everything you need to live inside a twisted cage / sleep beside an empty rage / I had a dream I was your hero

* Hologram // Katie Herzig

I'm gonna let you down / gonna toss you around / gonna make you want everything you haven't found / I'm gonna hold your hand / then ask you to stand / ten feet away

* Buy her Candy

she's a famous / she's the best / I cannot lay / my heart to rest / she is selfish / she is kind / no one can say / she is mine

* Nights with you // MO

I'll take you out tonight / leave it all at home / don't care about your boyfriend waking up alone

* Portions for Foxes// Rilo Kiley

'cause you're just damage control, for a walking corpse like me, like you (S6 Fuffy edition)

* Last 2nd Chance // Vaughan Penn

this is the last second chance I’ll ever need / this is the last time you’ll hear sorry from me

Buffy / Cordelia-

* More like you // Hazel English

I could waste all of my time / thinking up ways to catch your eye / and I tried but it just didn’t feel right / and besides I'm just trying to get by

* She // Dodie

and I'll be okay admiring from afar / cause even when she's next to me / we could not be more far apart (late S1 - mid S2 coffy, either pov)

* Can’t / Naaz

in my mind / I can be what we choose / but in life / we can't stand in those shoes

* Midway // Bad Bad Hats

the shadows you were casting nearly swallowed the night / but god, I could have kissed you (I imagine this as the night Cordelia drops Buffy home in Helpless or sometime in mid-late S3)

* Touch // Shura

I wanna touch you but I'm too late / I wanna touch you but there's history / I can't believe that it's been three years / now when I see you, it's so bittersweet (if either had showed up in L.A or Sunnydale after Buffy was resurrected)

Tara / Buffy

* If I Could // Sophie Zelmani

If I could help you with / this part of life you've got to live / you could load your weight on me

* Our Eyes // Lucy Rose

I'm alive / I feel it now / I never knew I'll find it on you / out of line we got ourselves / in a look, wait we are not fine / wait, you are not mine

* Wire // Alessi Ark

I'm tired of walking this wire / it keeps me awake for heaven sake / I was made for this girl / I feel lonely / my friends don't seem to know me / like i thought they did

Willow / Cordelia

* Upper West Side // King Princess

I can't stop judging every thing you do / but I can't get enough of you

* Then If I’m Weird I Want to Share // Tender Forever

people told me / that you're too sexy / you're too sexy for me / but actually I just don't care / I think it's bullshit everywhere

Buffy / Willow

* Loners // Maddie Ross

one night alone in the bookstacks / summer to make all the kids sad / next fall we're back in the corner / nice girls love kissing the loners

* Ray of Sunshine // Go Sailor

yellow hair, fiery stare / nothing's right, 'cause she's not here tonight

* Explosion // Zolita

it's a mindless love affair / one hot mess of bleach blonde hair / I could kiss her but your lips taste better / you could kiss him but my words are sweeter

* Sweet Moon // Sundarta

when the world is big and I’m alone / I call you and I am home

Faith / Tara

* Will You Be My Girlfriend // Alanis Morissette

I guess I fall and you stay intact is that right? I guess you hear me and won't attack me, is that right? guess I reach out and you reach back, is that right?

* Not gonna Get Us // T.at.u

soon there will be laughter and voices / beyond the clouds over the mountains / we'll run away on roads that are empty / lights from the airfield shining upon you (teenage runaway mehane)

* Love you Anyway // Jil Nisson & Marlene

I know what you've been getting / coz I sure got it too / don't, don't you forget it / the damage they do

* Walk The Line // Halsey

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine / I keep my eyes wide open all the time / I keep the ends out for the tie that binds / because you're mine, I walk the line

Willow / Amy

* Wherever We Are // Human Life

after the day we're chasing the sun / farther away the faster we run / feet on the ground our head in the stars / finding the sound wherever we are

* When We’re High // LP

let’s swallow the moon and the stars / let’s wallow just right where we are

Amy / Faith

* Whiskey & Black Leather // Sapphic Lasers

some they want a girl next door / but that ain't what I'm looking for / I first saw your lips across the room / red like a blood moon

* Her Lover // Ally & Stevie

she is like a cat in the dark / and then she is the darkness

* High Enough // K Flay

don’t try to give me cold water / I don’t wanna sober up / all I see are tomorrows / oh, the stars were made for us

Cordelia / Anya

* Only a Girl // Gia

soft touch, warm skin / nothing like my ex-man / slowly falling, I don't want my next man

* I Don’t Do Boys // Elektra

I don't do boys, I just do girls / just do girls with style and class / I don't do boys, I just do girls / just do girls with kissable ass

Fuffy / Radison

* One More // Elliphant

stay with me tonight / we can count the street lights / stay with me alright let's bring it all back to life (bad girls & smashed shennanigans)

Dark Willow / Anyanka + Darla / Drusilla + Lilah / Cordelia (Jasmine possessed version)

* Glory & Gore // Lorde

delicate in every way but one, / God knows we like archaic kinds of fun / chance is the only game I play with / baby, we let our battles choose us

“ Your Lips are Red // St. Vincent

this city's red / this city's red from riding us into the ground / this city's black / this city's black from all the ashes in downtown

Willow / Anya

* Wishful Thinking // The Ditty Bops

when the cold and lonely hours put your heart to the test / maybe I'll be the one that you like best (S7 Rosekins)

* The Happy Song // Kate Miccuci

'cause isn't it nice to have the friends that you do? / and isn't it nice that the sky is so blue? / and isn't it nice to say "I love you"? (the cheery & matter -of-factly style of this song reminds me of anya)

Faith / Willow

* So-Called Str8 Grrrl // Gina Young

I think you want me / you know you want me / so why do you talk shit about me

* She’s so Lovely // The Butchies

she's a rocker dressed like a killer / she's got lips like wine not sugar

* Sum of your parts // Mary Lambert

I didn't know I was a phoenix till I learned how to speak / even with ashes in my mouth I was still born to breath / I wonder are you like me

* All I Want is To Be Your Girl // Holly Miranda

Well there's ghosts in the night and ghosts in my mind / and if we quit changing we'll be left behind / but I won't take another chance of screwing it up / so I stay where I am / but all I want is to be your girl

Buffy / Satsu

* Cliff’s Edge // Hayley Kiyoko

you turn me on / you lead me on / you got me on / a cliff's edge (satsu’s pov)

* One Night // Charlie XCX

you are somethin’ special / twenty carats, solid gold / what we had was precious / but I had to let you go

Cordelia / Lilah

* Short Skirt, Long Jacket // Larkin Poe

I want a girl with a mind like a diamond / I want a girl who knows what's best I want a girl with shoes that cut / and eyes that burn like cigarettes

Fuffy + Willow / Kennedy

* We Might be Dead by Tomorrow // Soko

give me all your love / ‘cause for all we know / we might be dead by tomorrow

Kendra / Buffy

* Eleventeen // Kimya Dawson

you may feel strange, well, you are an angel / stuck in tight pants stuck at a high school dance / stuck doing people things not knowing you have wings

* Supergirl // Anna Naklab

you can see in her eyes / that no one is her chain / she's my girl / my supergirl

Cordelia / Faith

* Can I Say Baby // GIRLI

can I say baby? / I don't wanna be soppy / but I like your style / think you're kinda cool / I'm sort of into you

* Rebel Girl // Bikini Kill

rebel girl rebel girl / I think I want to take you home / I want to try on your clothes

* Flowers and Rope // Princess Nokia

voices in my head, monsters under my bed / I'm alone again, I lost all my friends / wanna play pretend? hope this never ends

Fred / Faith

* Whiskey // Nicole Reynolds

you accept that i talk too much / i accept that you talk too little / but it's fine / i like a good riddle

In the Margins // Ani Difranco

you are a rare bird / the kind i wouldn't even mind / writing in the margins of my books

Willow / Kennedy

* Pretty Girl // Hayley Kiyoko

I can tell you’re real smart / world class piece of art / I can see you in the dark / all we have to do is start

* Let it Go // Allie Moss

darlin' you see / the fear in me / and how I'd finally be / if I were willing to let it go

Buffy / Anne

* Annonymous Club // Courtney Barnett

let's start an anonymous club / I'll make us name badges with question marks

* Hideaway // IVY

under stars and satellites / a thousand miles / from where we've been

Willow/Fred + Buffy/Tara

* I Was Made for Sunny Days // The Weepies

I was made for sunny days / and I was made for you

Faith / Kennedy

* Crimson and Clover // Joan Jett & the Blackhearts

ah, now I don't hardly know her / but I think I can love her

“ Honey // Kehlani

I like my girls just like I like my honey; sweet / a little selfish

Cordelia / Fred

* Genius // The Murmurs

she's kinda weird / she's kinda freaky / but I don't know / I think she's a genius

* There she goes // Sixpence None the Richer

there she goes / there she goes again / racing through my brain / and I just can't contain / this feeling that remains

#BTVS #btvsedit #mine #btvsfemslash #click to expand #lmao this has been in my drafts for 2 years #but I kept coming across more music #and trying to find a fit for the really rare pairs #my personal ships are completely obvious as they have nearly a playlist of their own

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bohemian1992 · 4 years

Text

How my Faith, Family and Friends helped me with my Depression

Depression attacks anyone, even the strongest person can suffer from this. It doesn’t choose who to eat up and once you welcome it in your life, it could tear up everything you’ve worked for.

These past few weeks, I have been riddled by anxiety, doubts and questions that no answers could be found. I started questioning my life’s decision, if I have chosen the right path, I thought choosing the road less travelled was the right option, as it turns out, it’s called the road less travelled because it would lead you to a dead end. That is what I’m feeling, that feeling you’ve reached a dead end, but now, I’ve reached a crossroad. It’s a confusing time of my life, being on a crossroad and not knowing which direction I should take. I was beaten up, I was defeated, I let if eat me and I got stuck in the middle of it. I was shutting off people, not even talking to them, I’ve lost my will to smile, my will to laugh, to dance, to sing and it got to the point that I broke down and cried in the office. I couldn’t help, the weight keeps getting heavier and heavier that I could not carry it any longer. As I cried on my desk, I pleaded for His help, for His guidance, and that’s when things turned around.

That same day, after work, I got inside the car, ready to go to my mom’s office, but did not turn on the engine yet as I was trying to feel the heat inside, been feeling cold in the office, and the heat had given me the warmth I was clamouring. As I stayed there for 5 minutes in the heat, I thought of playing my favorite playlist on Spotify, Musicals. Didn’t know why but something just pushed me to play it, but after my drive from my office to my mom’s, that’s when I realized, He was talking to me through songs, and here’s how it went.

The first song that played as I started driving was:

- Forget about that Boy from Thoroughly Modern Millie Musical, and right there and then, I looked at my rosary and Sto. Niño image in my car and said “Really?” Just to give you an idea, I have been so hang up on this guy I met and I thought when I met him, he’s the one I have been praying. His presence alone made me feel safe and secure and for the short period of time we spent, I was so sure he’s all I needed. I kept thinking of him, of the possibility that we might end up together, but as I keep on, it made me feel lost, sad and heart broken because the reality is, there’s never going to us. So when that music started playing, I thought, He’s right, I should forget about that boy, but you know what, I’m not going to forget about him, because he’s part of a memory and that memory was a good memory, it was not bad, let’s just give him a code name, Mr.M, as to not to confuse some people. But what it meant is to forget the thought of us being together, of the possibility, but instead remember those wonderful times we’ve spent, the conversations we’ve had and let it be a memory.

After that song, couple ones have followed that clearly meant to cheer me up and talk to me:

- Hero is My Middle Name from SpongeBob the Squarepants the Musical, this song made me realized that I can conquer my enemy. I can save my world from further destruction from despair. And with the help of my friends, I can see a world where destruction is nowhere near me. I’m not going to get too detailed to other songs, but here they are:

- Anybody Have A Map from Dear Evan Hansen, this one seems like He was asking a map to get to me, to talk some sense to me, and the only person who can give Him the map was me, and I did. And that’s when You Can’t Stop The Beat from Hairspray the Musical played, and I thought to myself, why would I let depression stop the beat! I should just keep on, keep the beat alive, don’t let something turn it off for you. It was then followed by All That Matters from Finding Neverland Musical, it is a song about what matters to someone. I thought it was weird because from an upbeat song, it went to a more mellow and emotional one, and there’s a part of the song that hit me, “...Singing/Beating of my heart, is all that matters”. What matters to me is what my heart is beating, what my heart is yearning, and I have forgotten that, because I was so fixated on rushing things up, comparing myself to others and pushing myself into believing that something that I imagined could be real. I forgot about my dream because I was living in a fantasy, and then A Million Dreams from Greatest Showman played. It was a reminder that I have dreams that I was forgoing because I was trying to skip the finish line. I was so oblivious to the fact that life is not about how fast you can get there, but it’s about living in the moment, taking time to cherish every moment and taking things one step at a time. And the last song that played was One Day More from Les Miserables musical. It may sound weird why a song about revolting was His way of communicating with me, but the way I see it, it means one day more for me to face my demons, one day more to make a change in they way how I see things, how I perceive life and how I should act should things don’t go the way I wanted them to be. I know some people may not believe in this, but I was at the lowest point of my life, and for months, I have been asking for His guidance, I have been asking Him to talk to me, but apparently, I have been shutting him off. He was already giving me signs the moment I asked Him but I was so in denial because I wanted what I’m imagining to be true, but it turned out, I was wrong, and he had to look for other means to talk to me, and that’s when he made me realized, that whenever I’m down, I always listen to my favorite musicals, and He made it as His instrument to communicate with me, and I have fully accepted it.

It may looked like I talked so much about those songs, but that was the time I knew, He is always looking down on me, and He only wants what’s best for me, and that was His way to communicate with me because I was inflicting pain to myself, physically and emotionally.

And how did a Friend helped me...

To start, I have a lot of friends, but I find it difficult to open up to them as sometimes I feel like I’m being judged, that my reasons or feelings are not valid, that my pain is not as painful as what they’re feeling, I end up wallowing myself and just keep things in me, but it wasn’t right. And then, a dear friend of mine, who keeps tabs on me, talked to me and she was also venting out some of her problems that she could not tell to anyone. I found a confidant in her, and I started opening up and she listened to me. What I like about her is that, she never gave unsolicited advice per se, but instead she made her experience as an example, how she handled when she also went through this stage in her life. She was level headed, she talked me through and she told me that what helped her was she reached out to her family. It was the only way she was able to get through the hardships in her life, she was touched by the acceptance and the response she got from her family that she told me to reach out to my family. Honestly, if it hadn’t because of her, I don’t think I would be able to get pass thru this and talked to my family. That night, I messaged my mom, and she and my sister, video called with me.

Family is really the strongest force that can uplift whatever you’re feeling. I was so sure I was going to break down in front of my mom and my sister, but as we were chatting, my sister was smiling while my mom was carrying my youngest nephew. How could I cry when I have my family? When I have my lovely nephews who bring joy whenever they smile. I was taken aback, and I felt the love rushing through my veins. I started opening up to my sister and she asked me what I really wanted to do. It was so difficult for me to get the words out of my mouth as I have never been that vulnerable in front of my family. I was so scared to seem weak and defeated in front of them. As I was telling them what I was feeling and what I wanted to do, to which I still can’t disclose, my mom, as always, reassured me that she would help me with what I’m going through, she and my sister would help me get where I wanted to be. They were very accepting and I was reassured by them, that everything’s going to okay, that no matter what happens, they will always be right there by my side.

I can’t say that I am fully recovered from the shadows of depression, no one can really tell when a person can be truly recovered, but what I can be sure, that I will be taking steps to take care of myself, and be emotionally stable. There is no overnight solution to depression, it is a process. A process that needs support, a process that needs network. Don’t be afraid to seek help, to reach out to people, don’t let fear rule how you see things. If I hadn’t reach out to my friend and my family, I would have made a bad decision that I would regret or worse hurt other people. It’s best to seek help while it is still early, and don’t get beaten up if some people won’t respond to you, remember, there are far better people out there who can help you with your problem. I know it’s scary and it’s daunting, but believe me, the minute you reach out and open yourself and be heard, you will feel better and you will realize that you are loved, no matter what. And most importantly, love yourself first, no matter what you do, no matter where you are, don’t forget to love yourself. Take good care of your mental health, take a break or a vacation, travel if you must and see the world in a different perspective. That is certainly what I enjoy doing now, I have found a great love of travelling and meeting people from all walks of life, it doesn’t have to be international travel, there’s so much to see in our country that we are missing out. Explore, and give time for yourself, don’t crumble into self wallowing but instead allow yourself to be vulnerable because there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m not certain when will I fully recover, but one thing’s for sure, I will definitely enjoy the ride of Life now. Have Faith and be Kind.

#faith #family #friends #musicals #God #self love #mental health #depression #crossroad #life

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shamelessllamapeanutthing · 3 years

Text

My MatchaBlossom playlist

Here's the link to the playlist on Spotify-

Song meanings and POVs elaborated on down under.

Call it what you want- Taylor Swift

(Let's start with a TS song cause why tf not. I am and always will be a total slut for her 💜)

Okay, just the general vibe of this song is that of a person who's been through a bit and has now found a love so beautiful it's helping them heal and I feel like that ties in so well with Cherry and Joe's entire arc. I hear this song in Cherry's POV when Joe's affection is starting to restore his faith in love and life after Adam's done fucked it all up. Or even when his anxiety gets really fucking bad or whatever. It's just got big comfort vibes and I am a total whore for Cherry acknowledging and appreciating everything that Joe does for him.

All my flowers grew back as thorns,

Windows boarded up after the storm,

He built a fire just to keep me warm.

Explosion- Zolita

PINING JOE PINING JOE PINING JOE

*ahem* let me be more articulate.

TEENAGED PINING JOE

Don't call me about him I don't wanna hear

Put him out of your mind just make him disappear

Stop pretending you got nothing left to hide

My memory is slipping and it's killing me alive

Reached the bitter end

Can't pretend I'm not in love with my best friend, my best friend

Hate that you know me- BLEACHERS

Okay I think this song fits Cherry very well, especially when he is still trying to understand his dynamic with Joe. My personal headcanon is that Cherry is prone to bouts of self-hatred because of his anxiety and consequently, doesn't always consider himself deserving of Joe's love, and so, he tends to dislike it at times when Joe seems to understand him better than others and anticipate his needs so well, and I feel like this song depicts that beautifully.

Sometimes I hate that you know me so well (so well)

Sometimes I, I hate that you know me so well (and I hate ya)

Some days I, I wish that I wasn't myself (No)

No luck! (No)

And I hate that you know me so well

Heart attack- Demi Lovato

Okay, I can not be the only person who thinks of teenaged Cherry every time this song comes on. Imagine a Cherry who's flabbergasted by the strength of his feelings for Joe, and can never figure out what to do with himself.

Never break a sweat for the other guys

When you come around, I get paralyzed

And every time I try to be myself

It comes out wrong like a cry for help

It's just not fair; pain's more trouble than love is worth

I gasp for air; it feels so good, but you know it hurts

Lover- Taylor Swift

I have a very specific scene in mind when it comes to this song and that is MatchaBlossom slow-dancing in the first house they get together.

We could let our friends crash in the living room

This is our place, we make the call

And I'm highly suspicious that everyone who sees you wants you

I've loved you three summers now, honey, but I want 'em all

Make you mine- PUBLIC

You knew this song was going to end up on here lol.

Strangely enough, aware as I am of the fact that most of the fandom believes Joe was the one chasing Cherry (and I agree) this song just hits me as all Cherry's. It has all of his characteristic dogged determination and refusal to admit defeat lol

Well, I have called you darlin' and I'll say it again, again

So kiss me 'til I'm sorry, babe, that you are gone and I'm a mess

And I'll hurt you and you'll hurt me and we'll say things we can't repeat

Mess is Mine- Vance Joy

Slightly older, mellowed out MatchaBlossom, starting to realise they're in this together for the long run, that they always have been.

Further I feel like verse 1 and 2 respectively follow Joe and Cherry's POVs

First we have Joe, who is just brimming with the realisation that Cherry is his for good.

Talking like we used to do

It was always me and you

Shaken up and shipping out

Check me in and check me out

...

Hold on my darling

This mess was yours, now your mess is mine

Secondly, we have Cherry, who considers himself unbelievably lucky to have been considered worthy of Joe's love and keeps wondering if he is half as good a partner to the other man as he is to him.

See you in the market place

Walking around at 8 AM

Got two hours before my flight

Luck be on my side tonight

You're the reason that I feel so strong

The reason that I'm hanging on

You know you gave me all that time

Did I give enough of mine

More than Friends- BEKA HONNE

Baby MatchaBlossom pining. Really sweet, soft vibes. I keep thinking of shy, unsure junior high school Kaoru and Kojiro suddenly becoming blushing, stuttering messes around each other for a period of time as they both hit the realisation that they'd very much like to be kissing each other and it's very much not a Friend™ thing.

It happens after Joe has freshly realised that he is bi after all and Kaoru is exactly what he needs. Again, verse one reminds me of Joe, verse two of Cherry. They are down under respectively.

Driving home and those cats eyes got me seeing you

I'm always seeing you

I don't know how to tell you that I was wrong before

I thought I needed more

I was wondering if we could talk

I think about you every day

And the mixtape you made

Is all I ever to play

And every song reminds me that

You and I

Should be more than friends

...

I never thought I would see your face at my door again

Not at 3 AM

And I don't know just why I wasn't enough before

I thought you needed more

I know you came here to talk

Can't listen to the tape I made

It brings me too much pain

Cause every song reminds me that

You and I

Should be more than friends

This song can also work if you reverse the POV orders and then see it post Adam, but the vibe is a lil too soft for that.

Night go slow- Catey Shaw

MatchaBlossom but in a chill, lo-fi aesthetic.

The cars all stop where they are

When you take my hand, there is no time

Every moment that passes by with you

I wish I could rewind

Let go of your ways

And forget today

Just follow me tonight

Do you understand why I put all my plans on hold?

Not Afraid Anymore- Halsey

Okay, this one goes a lil heavy but imagine a traumatised Cherry, ya know after Ad*m, finally learning to let himself go and feel things again, emotionally and sexually, with Kojiro.

I also feel like they are two kinky bastards so really if you only wanna interpret it like that be my guest.

I am not ashamed anymore

I want something so impure

You better impress now, watching my dress now fall to the floor

Crawling underneath my skin, sweet talk with a hint of sin

Begging you to take me

Devil underneath your grin, sweet thing

But she play to win, heaven gonna hate me

People Crying Every Night- A R I Z O N A

I hear this song as Joe trying to get through to a hesitant Cherry, trying to make him see that while they don't get a say in so many other things, things that have happened and things that will happen, they get to choose the life they have together. They get to pick out their happy ending, build one out of scratch with each other and even if they have nothing else, at least they have this.

Oh and as the day

Turns into night

The things that we can't say

The things we try to hide

Like everyone else

We can't choose the way we die

Oh but we can choose

The way we live tonight

Oh I wish I had the answers

I wish I had the time

To give you all the reasons

Why it's worth it down the line

Ready to go- NEFFEX

This song is an ✨ aesthetic ✨

Okay but imagine, young, punk! MatchaBlossom, maybe around the time when they're travelling the world together?

It's all hot and heady, and Joe is thrilled by the wild, wild force of nature Kaoru is. He can't do anything but give in.

She said stay for a minute

Play with my limits

Drink till we're sinnin'

Baby I'm ready to go

...

She said she's finally alive

When she starts losing control

I said I know what to do

Just let our bodies go

Shine a Light- BANNERS

Another Kojiro song. This one reflects his inner struggle as he feels torn between wanting to comfort and protect Cherry after Adam, and the fact that he is hopelessly in love with Cherry who inadvertently keeps hurting him with how he is lost in the huge web of feelings he can't parse through, not completely blind to how much Kojiro loves him but not fully realising it either. This song reminds me of a confused and helpless Kojiro. Loving Kaoru is such an integral part of him that it makes him, him and it is his constant in the rapidly changing world around him as he stands on the brink of adulthood. He is very nearly ready to beg for mercy and yet knows he, himself is saved by the love he has for Kaoru.

And when the night falls, oh, call on me

Just don't forget to show me some mercy

Ooh, say you're mine

Ooh, take me higher

Sleepover- Hayley Kiyoko

JOE PINING @ HOMOEROTIC SLEEPOVERS WITH YOUR B(est)F

You wanna be friends forever?

I can think of something better

I'm just feeling low, feeling low

Sleeping here right next to me

But will you ever mess with me?

Thank you, my twilight- the pillows

Listen, this has been my fav classic Japanese love anthem for so long and to think it is PERFECT for Matchablossom just makes my heart go 💞

The lyrics are heart-wrenchingly raw and real, which is great reflection of Joe and Cherry's relationship. I include a translation of a few verses below, the first one seems something snatched straight out of Joe's internal monologues and the second one depicts the breathless intensity and loyalty so typical of Kaoru:

If you think it looks like I'm waiting for someone

Then you're right

I've been waiting for you

...

Sometimes people will ask me

"How far will you go for her?"

BABY as far as it takes

Wings- HAERTS

Another song depicting Cherry healing from Adam and learning to accept Joe's love, but a fluffier and sweeter way to go about it.

In which, Cherry decides to separate all of the sweeter moments of his and Joe's days with Adam from all of the bitterness, and carry that in his heart after they part ways and he finally moves on.

I will never let you go

I know you want it, know you want it

Learning love means not to know

I'll learn to take it,

Would you mind- PRETTYMUCH

Ending this post with a fluffy, flirty rec that could be Joe's anthem. See for yourselves.

Say you don't catch feelings, you say you ain't the love type

I'ma have to work, then, uh the whole night

Nothing like your ex, no, this ain't what you used to

Just give me that chance, girl, uh, won't lose you

See it? ;) Also, I feel like Joe had typical frat boy taste in music at some point so

#Spotify #sk8 the infinity #matchablossom #matchablossom playlist #past loveblossom #kaoru sakurayashiki #kaoru x kojiro #nanjo kojiro #sk8 cherry blossom #sk8 infinity

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titandnene · 5 years

Text

Hey I need to say this to you Lauren.

I dont know the best was to express or say how I feel but I’m finally at a point where I need to explain myself fully for all I’ve done and why i keep coming back into your life. For the past 3 years my life has been a rollercoaster through stages of hell that I really need to tell you about because in the darkest parts of it the idea of what we were and you in general have been my only light. That’s the reason why I’ve been popping back into your life when I’m sure you would rather have it otherwise. The night that we first tripped togther really shows the power that I see in the universe and how horribly cruel honest and true to form it can be about life. Lauren it had to happen the way it folded out. And I learned that it always does no matter what you want. The beginning of it like the beginning of us was great but that moment when I was facing the door and immediately snapped back to look at you started a chain of events that no one was prepared for. That’s when I started to go “crazy” or my mind started to twist my life started to twist everything started to go out of whack. That’s when me being here with you and me always coming back into your life started to turn things bad in my life. I’m deeply sorry for making you cry during the trip but what you don’t know is what happened after you left. I started to plan out what I would think would be our life together. And that was also my first manic episode.

After your left I started writing on the table and in my note book about a surf shack that we were going to have and this fantastic life that was going to happen because I could see it all in that moment. I felt like I knew it all in that moment. But the reality was I was having my first manic episode. Mania makes me feel like that. Like I have the world and it’s story and the universe and it’s story and our story tied up together and I just have to talk it into existence and it will happen the way I say it will. I felt like I had so much energy and enlightenment just pouring out of me and people were on the same brain wave that I was. But it’s never the case.

I was writing and then I finished with the thought of the universe could be this place that I’m envisioning or I could just be crazy and loosing my mind. And then I sunk deep down into that hole. Thinking that my mind was broken and that I couldnt stop this train that was my brain. So I got in bed shut my eyes and just wished for sleep and it came and I woke up the next day fine like back to normal. Hoping that you would still want to be with me after what I did to you that night.

That in essence has been the last three years on repeat starting January 1st 2016.

It’s a cycle of slowing going manic. Mania brings in good feelings and somehow you get involved in my head. That then branches out to me trying to contact you because if this vision that I’m so clearly seeing. And then the destruction of that vision as the episode ends.

On that day I started to go crazy or manic. I dont really know how but by the 4th I was in the back of an ambulance loosing my mind. My universe was fracturing reality was loosening I thought that everyone was going to die and I was going to be alone forever. So they put me in the hospital and they were running test and I was like a wild animal because I had no idea what was going on and then the seeds of my psychosis started being planted. Because within all of that madness I had one light one person that my mom made me think of and that was you. I was talking about the color of your eyes. And then I saw a girl that I thought was you enter a room but I didnt see her face. But I assumed it was you. But the seed was the idea of you always being just in the other room waiting for me. It’s been a constant theme when I’ve become manic. After some weird things happening they wheeled me away to get a brain scan. As they were wheeling me away and I tried to get away because I thought that they were going to do something like “dissect me” or take away a part of me that made me me. That part is hard to explain but. This part isn’t. I accepted the fate that they were going to take all that away that I was going to not come back the same. I put my hand over my heart and said the name Sandy. This was the first solid root of my psychosis that revolves around us. Sandy was the name of a daughter that I saw us having. And it was basically me saying if they are going to take me away i hope she’ll live.

I made it out of the MRI alive and eventually found sleep and woke up the next day still manic. But thing about mania is when your in it you never know that you are. It’s a lobster in water that’s slowly rising in temperature. Once it’s boiling it’s adjusted so it doesn’t know the difference. You just feel normal.

The next day they had me admitted to a inpatient mental hospital. That’s where you called me and we talked. The first few days were a manic mess. I was going crazy I thought that there was a game that had to be played that was going to get me to leave. I thought that my life was going to be this road trip to all these places to save the world. You basically think that you’re jesus and an undercover spy and you have to solve the clues to get out. After seven days in there I got out. But because it was my first time with mania I was still kind of on a high. It’s like coming back from the moon. I made it into the atmosphere of earth but Not quite back to ground and even then not on target. I’m lucky if I hit the ocean.

So I went into a day program where you meet kids who are going through similar things as you. People with depression mania and everything. I meet some people it was nice the first time. But it was a rough start. What made it tougher was the fact that the day that I got out of the mental hospital was the day after classes began at HP. So even if I wanted to, I couldn’t go back. My parents wanted me at the house and monitored on my new medication making sure I sleep and don’t go back into mania. I think I still might have been smoking weed at the time I’m not completely sure but I picked up 2 classes at the school that I’m at now still went to group and truly fucked things up with you.

The last messages that we sent to one another I really regret. I didnt like how I was pushing you away and trying to bring you close. How I wanted an open relationship when I really didn’t even know what it entailed I just wanted to keep you for emotional support and fuck other people. I remember sitting somewhere and having that talk and hearing you cry on the other end of the line and that’s just not right. And then the last Facebook messages that we sent where I was a true asshole and manic because I was smoking weed and it triggers my mania. And how I ended the relationship with a saw and a sawed off.

The next parts is so I can round everything out and really get this psychosis out of me so take it or leave it I need to write it out.

My mom says I have a season when it comes to mania but really it’s just when I start smoking weed and loosing sleep and stop taking my meds. But the next time I got manic was almost a year to the day. If you want to really see when I get into the manic place look for when I contact you or try to reach out that’s how you know I’m floating back.

The next time was the long haul to the hospital. This time I spent 5 hours talking to myself and making up a fictional son named Steven that you and i would have. Back story lore the reason for his name and universal significance. The whole gambit of this kid. This was also a time where i you were still following me on Spotify and i would look and think that we were communicating through our songs.

Eventually i got to loud and out about everything and got sent back to the hospital and what I now call my restart button. Hospital around winter break then group during classes and then back to the grind until I pick up weed again and then restart. But the time I stopped is worth noting.

After I got out that time and spring summer started rolling around I picked up again but weed wasn’t doing me the same. Instead of making me feel good it started to make me feel like shit. I would get on myself about being stupid that I couldn’t do anything every time I smoked I would just fall deeper into a pit and I couldn’t stop. So the universe made me stop. There was one night where the next chapter of my mental illness would kick in.

I said I was done but my friend called me out and said he’d smoke me up and buy my ticket to go see a movie. It was the worst expierence of my life I had a panic attack that twisted my brain into developing a type of OCD that I now know as Harm OCD. It’s not fun. But what that leads me to is the cocktail that that and mania made me go through and how that lead to the mania endured birth of a 3rd child named staysea. Basically the mania brought on the fictional reality glasses that had been brewing since my last manic episodes and the harm ocd brought on the horrific thing that I did to our child in this other dimensional state which was essentially rape.

Harm ocd is not fun it’s something that i go through every day and regret every day for not listening to the universe when it told me to stop. It’s consistent intrusive thoughts that have to do with violence and sex. It’s like being mind raped by a demon. I dont want these bad things to happen but when I say stop this demon in my head says go and I have to visualize atrocities happen multiple times a day. It’s not fun. But I’m getting better at dealing with it.

After the movie theater I stopped smoking for a while and got better felt better I didnt go to the hospital that January and got through the year. I was finally getting over you coming back into my life in these fantasies and having to deal with it. I metaphorically burried the kids that we had I was getting better. But about a year and half i picked it up again. And I would have moved on and stayed out of your life if not for one moment that started this years run of come ups.

I was at my grandmas old folks home. And she has dementia but I talk to her and her roomate still and I was fiddling with a piece of paper and my brain had been starting to go into a manic space. And my grandmas roommate said something to me which was basically for me to try to reach out to you because “she’s the one for you.” This ticked off my mildly manic brain and then everything that I spent the last years settiling came up and I started to believe in The future that I made back then kids and all. All the past things that I made up started coming back. And I started to try to believe in a universe that follows some narrative that works like a book compared to one that just is.

I ended up having a manic episode and going back to the hospital for the entire month of January this time. I think that was after you messaged me on Instagram. I was pretty manic when I was messaging you but I still had some of myself together. But I got out and here I am now. Trying to come to you with some sort of explanation of my actions towards you.

I hurt you a lot over these past years. Far more than anyone really should. You’ve told me time and time again how you don’t don’t want to see me and just want me to leave but every time I’m close to letting go I pull myself back somehow. For that I’m sorry. This is something that I wanted to write you but never knew how to put into words right. I wrote another letter essentially saying hey I’m coming back down to HP in late April to see Haleigh but I don’t even know if Im going to anymore. I barley have the money and I would halfway want to see you but you don’t deserve to just have me in your face without notice or permission.

You remind me of a time when I didn’t have all this weight on me when life was easy. And I was happy with someone I loved. And how a life with them would be all I ever needed. And that’s probably why I go back to it always because that’s all I want.

But this letter serves you and me better. I think. Life has been really really rough for me and you were a life that I saw that could’ve been and I always regret not just staying loyal to you because of how much i cared about you. Just being patient with us. I just want to fix everything I did. But now moving on is best but I needed to say something like this explaining why. I am the way I am.

It would be nice to talk to you though.

I would want to be your friend or just someone who you don’t hate, someone who you can forgive.

I love you Lauren. You’ve helped me through dark Really lonely times. And the only reason why I come back to you is because there’s no one else who made me feel so loved and secure. I wish that I could go back and advise myself about how good of person you would be to be and to treat you right because of it. You were my ace, the one person who was there for me always. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be a better person to you when I had the chance to.

Thank you for helping me whether you knew it or not.

Jordan.

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