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rudysrings · 4 years

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Twin Pogues of the OBX - 1

A/N + Summary: SO I’m currently obsessed with the Outer Banks right now, and I had no idea that there was so much hype about it until I hit tumblr after watching the show. It kind of got me back into writing for a bit so I thought I would go ahead and publish something that’s been sitting in my drafts. It’s essentially a fanfic that goes through the entire show from the perspective of the reader, who is John B’s twin sister. Let me know if it piques anyone’s interest, because I don’t want to keep pushing out something that people hate lol.

Warnings: Mentions of sex, cursing, slowburn

Word count: 3056

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ON WITH IT!

You didn’t want to admit it, but you were tired of listening to the waves. It made you sick to your stomach. It didn’t help that the Chateau was so close to the water that it was all you could hear at night. The waves crashing on the shore. The waves colliding with each other. The waves fighting to topple boats that made the mistake of trying to take on a storm too big for them.

You listened for your father in every wave. You hoped you’d at least hear the ghost of your father.

Unlike John B, you had no hope that your father was alive. At first, you didn’t bother voicing that thought, but as time went on, and John B continued to have delusions, you started getting more and more vocal about your opinion. Your dad was dead. Period.

And it was time that John B accepted that, too.

The two of you may have been twins, but you were as different as two people could get. John B was, for the most part, quiet, reserved and mild. You, on the other hand, had a fuse shorter than the short end of the stick you had pulled. You were hot headed and often misjudged situations too quickly. John B was the calm before your storm. You preferred to call yourself passionate. You smoked, John B did not. You slept around with far too many tourons. John B did not. John B was a dense motherfucker. You could read the room the moment you walked in. The only thing that really bonded the two of you was your love for surfing, your love for the pogues and your love for your dad.

Now that one of those things had died, or simply “vanished,” as John B would say, all that was keeping your two member family together were the pogues and surfing.

The last few months had been hell, and all you wanted this summer, was to have a good time, all the time.

Speaking of which, you and the pogues had decided to break in the summer with a little rule-breaking. Kiara wanted to check out one of Gary’s new beach-house developments, which was being built right over a turtle habitat. You all shrugged at the suggestion and agreed.

You threw a can of beer up, JJ catching it instantly, wrinkling his nose when he looked at the label. “This is the shit stuff, Y/N,” he complained.

You rolled your eyes. “Next time I’ll boot-leg champagne for ya, sweetheart,” you drawled.

JJ winked. “That’s more like it.”

Rolling your eyes, you tossed two beers to Pope, which he promptly dropped and bent down to grab, dusting himself off, embarrassed.

You rolled your eyes, watching as he threw one to John B, who was far too drunk to hold onto it, dropping it on the deck of the house, causing it to burst.

Before you could comment on Kie’s overly concerned “Please don’t kill yourself,” to John B, you heard voices yelling “Hey! What are you kids doing up there?!”

“Shit,” You said, looking for your hat.

“I second that shit,” said Pope nervously.

John B swiftly made his way down, grabbing Kie’s hand and leading them out, Pope on their heels.

“Guys, have you seen my-”

Suddenly, you felt something slip over your head, and you smiled up at JJ, who patted the top of your head and pushed you down the stairs and out of the house, all five of you laughing as Gary and his men chased after you.

As John B jumped the fence, he held his hand out to help Kie over, doing the same for you once she made it. You rolled your eyes, slapping his hand away and smoothly making it over yourself.

Pope, as expected, fell over onto the ground as he jumped, JJ shoving him further jokingly. You glared at the boy, and he held his hands up as you helped Pope up, pulling him by the hand into a sprint.

JJ held his hand out of John B’s beat up old van, pulling your laughing body in. Pope closed the door as John B gunned it, but you opened it again, teasing Gary, who was struggling to catch up with you guys.

You tossed him a beer, which he tried to catch, but failed as he stopped running, his hands on his knees.

JJ laughed as he too leaned out of the van, “They don’t pay you enough, bro!” He yelled to Gary.

Your hair blew in the wind, strands of it tickling JJ’s cheeks.

He spat overdramatically, coughing, “Hey, uh, Y/N? You mind not choking me with your hair?”

You simply gave him a playful punch in the gut, taking a seat in between Kie’s knees, who was sitting on the bench behind John B.

Kie took your long, wild hair in her hands, taming it into a french braid. JJ watched with a goofy smile on his face, his conversation with Pope getting too boring.

John B drove down to the docks, where you guys took out the HMS Pogue for the rest of the day. You tried to slap the book out of Kie’s hands, holding a freshly rolled blunt out for her to share with you, but she glared at you, turning back to her reading. You noticed Pope doing the same thing.

JJ grabbed the blunt from your hands, lighting it.

You leaned an elbow on his shoulder, tutting. “Didn’t realize we ran with a bunch of nerds…”

Before Kie and Pope could retort, John B turned around, releasing a pile of freshly caught fish onto the deck of the boat and you cheered. “Nice, John B. We eatin’ good, today.”

“Yeah we are. You’re cooking.”

“I’m what?”

John B smiled smugly, “I did the catching, you do the cooking.”

You rolled your eyes, crossing your arms over your chest, “Fine then I’ll also do more of the eating.”

“I never agreed to that,” John B argued.

You turned to him, “And that’s because you’re a greedy, cocksucking parasite and-”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. We’re here to have fun, you guys,” said Kie, her hands out to the two of you.

“Man, I’d really like to go one day without you guys at each other’s goddamn throats,” Pope groaned.

“Forget the fish, there’s a party tonight. First summer party. We gotta be there,” said JJ.

“Hell yeah, I’ll take a touron dick appointment over fish and chips any day,” you put your hands on your hips, looking at the rest of the pogues.

John B rolled his eyes at your blunt words, while Pope and Kie shrugged, agreeing.

Everyone looked to John B and he sighed before saying, “Yeah, I’m down.”

You all cheered, running over and piling on top of him, laughing.

The party was one of the best you had been to yet. While Kiara got on her soapbox about plastic and the boys were looking for girls to flirt with, you were on the hunt for someone who could make your night count.

As you waited in line at the keg to fill up your cup, the guy behind you spoke up. “You look too good to be hanging around the cut.” He flirted.

Your blood boiled as you turned around to get in this guy’s face. You stopped short once you saw what a nice face it was. You weren’t shallow, just… horny. “Am I now?” You smiled slightly.

He nodded, “Oh yes, too good for North Carolina even. The likes of you belong in Hollywood, babe.”

He had neatly trimmed blonde hair and striking blue eyes. Guess you had a type, after all, you thought fleetingly.

“Wow, can I get a name, kind stranger?” You flashed your teeth.

“It’s Asher ma’am, and you are?”

You shrugged, handing your cup to the guy near the keg, who handed it back within a second, full. You put your hand on Asher’s cheek, tapping it as one would a small child, “Oh, sweetheart, you gotta earn that.”

Asher’s eyebrows rose, walking with you down the beach. “How might I go about that?” He asked, suggestively.

You smirked. “It’s not how, honey, it’s where.”

And that was all you needed to let this guy rock your world that night.

You woke up alone the next morning in the hammock outside the Chateau, having crashed there after the party. Groaning, you rolled over until you fell on the ground, struggling to pick yourself up. John B appeared out of nowhere, helping you up.

He handed you some water, which you downed immediately, his hand on your back.

“You alright, kid?” He asked. You nodded, “Yeah, I just need a shower like yesterday,” You moaned.

John B nodded, slapping your shoulder. “Next time don’t drink so much, eh?”

You rolled your eyes, flipping him off as you walked inside. You were heading to the bathroom when you passed John B’s bedroom. You noticed JJ, half-naked and leaning over some blonde on your brother’s bed, his forehead practically touching hers. He noticed you instantly. Some emotion flashed across his face before he glared. “Dude, come on. Get outta here,” he said and you smirked.

“Get some, JJ,” you encouraged, barely dodging the pillow he hurled at you as you shut the door.

As you walked into the bathroom, you couldn’t understand why your stomach lurched when you thought about what JJ was probably doing with that blonde in John B’s bed. You shrugged, it was probably just the alcohol.

That afternoon, you and John B had an appointment with social services, who basically confirmed that you two would be put in foster care after they confirmed that your uncle wasn’t home to look after you two tomorrow.

As John B expected, you didn’t take it well. To your credit, you kept it together in the social worker’s office, but you practically had a meltdown the moment you stepped foot outside.

“How can they just fucking take us away! What did we even do wrong? It’s not our fucking fault Uncle T decided to split! Can’t they see that we’re better off on our goddamn own, John B?!”

John B shrugged. “Not much we can do, Y/N. It’s the law.”

At that, your breaths came even faster, “But it’s not fair, John B! What if-What if they split us up?” You were almost hyperventilating now, pulling your own hair.

John B furrowed his eyebrows, pulling you into a hug. “They’re not going to do that. I’m not going to let that happen, Y/N, you hear me?”

You pushed him away from you, “We’ll see, John B.”

The two of you caught a break. Hurricane Agatha came in the same day DCS was supposed to do your assessment. Your mind immediately went to the sick waves that would be forming. You tugged on John B’s shirt, pulling him away from the TV, “Call DCS and call them to reschedule. And then grab your surfboard.” Your grin stretched across your whole face, your eyes probably wild.

John B looked confused, then concerned. “You can’t be serious. There’s a hurricane?”

“Dead serious.” You crossed your arms. “Like you can resist these waves.”

John B shrugged. “Yeah, I’m in.”

The two of you ran out to the ocean, the dark clouds and harsh winds not fazing you, Pope having bailed on you guys, claiming that these weren’t surfable waves.

As you surfed the waves, constantly getting wiped out due to their sheer size and speed, you couldn’t help the thought: Did a wave like this kill Dad?

John B tried to surf a few waves, but he lacked not only your skill, but also your tenacity. He gave up and simply watched you from his seat on his board.

When you noticed a clearly fancy boat being tossed around in the waves, you pointed it out to John B, who squinted, trying to make it out. He agreed that it was strange. Who would go out in a storm like this?

The next morning, after surveying the damage that Agatha had caused, John B suggested that you guys go fishing, given the likeliness that there would be a whole lot of fish to catch in the marsh today.

Happy to put off cleaning up for a day and high on the fact that DCS wouldn’t be able to catch a ferry down here for at least a couple of days, you agreed.

After practically kidnapping Pope from his dad and picking up Kiara, the five of you drove down to the marsh, Pope steering.

Giggling, you pulled JJ by the hand up to the bow of the HMS Pogue and handed him one of the beers that Kiara had brought. He smirked and held it up along with you as he shouted for Pope to go faster. Pope groaned. “We’ve tried this like six thousand times.”

You shook your head. “I’ve got this. It’s gonna work.”

And it did. Kind of. You and JJ were downing your beers, Kiara complaining that it was getting in your hair. You looked over at JJ from your peripheral and smiled slightly at his silly face, mouth open like a fish as he attempted to get all of the beer that was being hurled out of the bottle.

Until the boat lurched to a sudden stop, catapulting you and JJ into the air. You felt your entire body flip as you fell into the water with a loud crash, water surrounding your ears. You broke the surface immediately, blinking against the sunlight. “Fuuuck,” you groaned.

You felt JJ reach you, wrapping an arm around your waist. “You good?” You nodded at him, resting your hands on his shoulders as you let out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding.

John B called out, “You good, Y/N? JJ?”

“I think my heels touched the back of my head,” JJ groaned.

You swam back to the boat, JJ right behind you. “Pope, what did you do?” You asked.

Pope looked as confused as the rest of you guys. “Sandbar. Channel changed.”

As you made it onto the boat, JJ pulled himself up, too, saying, “No shit.”

As your clothes were soaked, you slid your shorts and t-shirt off, leaving you in your teal halter bikini.

You didn’t miss how JJ’s eyes dragged up your figure, his ears turning pink when he reached your eyes and realized you noticed.

Biting your lip to keep from laughing, you turned to Pope, who had his eyes on something in the water.

“Guys...I think there’s a boat down there,” He said.

John B scoffed, “Shut up.”

Kie smiled, “No way.”

But Pope didn’t let up, “No, no, guys. I’m serious. There’s a boat down there.”

You all leaned over the side of the boat and sure enough, there was a large shadow, vague, but obviously in the shape of the hull of a boat.

“Holy shit. He’s right; let’s go!” You said, jumping into the water.

As you swam towards the shadow, you heard Pope muse, “You think there’s a dead body down there?”

You couldn’t stop your subconscious from immediately thinking Dad.

You almost threw up at the thought of stumbling across your own father’s drowned corpse.

But you knew that if that was the case, you would handle it far better than John B. You swam faster, trying to get down there before him.

The five of you made your way to the boat, your eyebrows raising against the water as you saw what kind of boat it was. This was a rich guy’s boat for sure. You recognized it as the boat from yesterday. You all took a peek inside, but couldn’t make out a body. You sighed aloud, bubbles releasing in the water.

As you guys resurfaced, you all laughed.

“That’s a Grady-White,” JJ laughed in shock, “A new one of those is like 500 Gs, easy.”

You guys climbed back into the boat. John B gave you a look. “That’s the boat we saw when we surfed the surge. Maybe it hit the jetty or something.”

Kie looked confused. “You surfed the surge.”

You smirked. “Well… I surfed the surge. John B mostly just watched.” Your brother rolled his eyes but he didn’t correct you.

JJ was getting on the boat when he heard you say that and his entire face lit up. “Yeah, that’s my girl, pogue style,” he said, giving you a high-five.

You grinned back, your stomach involuntarily tumbling at the words my girl.

“Fuck,” you whispered to yourself. Kie noticed, shooting you a look.

You blushed, looking away.

Pope asked, “Wait, wait, do we know who’s boat that is?”

John B opened the hatch on the deck of the boat, looking for the anchor inside. “No. but we’re about to find out.”

JJ shook his head, “Dude, it’s too deep.”

“Only for the weak and feeble, JJ,” John B said.

“Well, I’m not resuscitating you. I’m just making that clear up front.”

You worried that there could still be a body down there. Your father’s body. John B couldn’t see that. Plus, something about the thought of diving felt like a challenge. You took the anchor from John B’s hands. “I’ll go,” You said.

“What the fuck, no Y/N,” said John B.

JJ grabbed your upper arm, “Yeah, not a good idea,” he said.

You shook him off lightly. “I’m doing it,” you insisted.

JJ shrugged. “Well, I wouldn’t mind resuscitating you,” he joked.

You rolled your eyes, “You wouldn’t even know how.”

JJ smirked, “Yeah, but I have experience with-”

Pope interjected as you walked to the edge. “Diver down, fool,” he shook his head in slight disappointment. But then again, when was Pope not disappointed in you?”

JJ came over to you. Looking you hard in the eyes, he gave you a questioning look. You steeled your eyes. “I’m ready.”

He smirked, “You better be.” He gave you a shove on your shoulders, pushing you backwards off the bow of the boat and you could hardly hear him say “Diver down,” and John B say, “The fu-” before the water hit you, swallowing you whole as you quickly sunk with the weight of the anchor.

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vivalaluciforever · 3 years

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Brothers x Reader - Help? Please? (Part Two)

(Y/N) pov:

After the shocking events of yesterday, I passed out in my bed and slept like the absolute dead. Opening my eyes, I see that my clock says it's ten am. Well, yesterday was quite emotionally straining on all ends of the spectrum.

"AAAAHAHHHAHHAHHAHDJSSUAAHSHHAHAHAHAHAHSHUHADHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!" Suddenly a scream pierces through the House of Lamentations.

Now I may not be an expert, but that sounded like a very feminine Levi scream. Throwing the covers off of my bed, I race out of my bedroom and towards the otaku's recluse den. Upon reaching the outside, I see the others anxiously standing outside the door.

"Why didn't you check on him!?" I yell as I hurl myself through the door.

Suddenly the door closes before the others can follow and I turn to see Levi standing by the door. "NO! GO AWAY! (Y/N) ONLY!" he screams through the wood.

"Levi! What's wrong?" I ask, panic heavily laced through my voice.

Levi turns bright red and looks at me. "When I-I-I woke u-u-up I was bleeding and..."

"Say no more Levi. Go climb in the shower and clean yourself up. I'll handle this." I soothe as the otaku nods and rushes to his shower.

I slip out of the room and shoo the worried brothers away. From there I rush to my room, grab some pads, and make my way back to Levi's room. He's still in the shower. Good. Stripping his bed lining, I walk over to his sink and turn on the icy cold water. Quickly, I put soap on the sheets and start to scrub until the blood comes out. Then I hang it up to air dry, and silently thank heaven that it was so easy to get that out. Lastly, I do that to everything covered in blood, and precisely at the moment I finish, Levi calls.

"Hey um... (Y/N)?" he calls, voice meek and scared.

I grab some clothes while I holler at the man. "Coming! Give me a second. Stay in the shower!"

I grab a full outfit of clothes and make my way over to the bathroom, and since I know Levi has a curtain I enter.

"(Y/N)!" he half screams.

I let out a tired huff and sit on the toilet seat. "You're in the shower with the curtain drawn. Chill. Now, pay attention."

Showing him step by step, I explain how to use pads and I show him how to apply them. Painstakingly, I also explain to him why females have to do this. Let's just say that Levi wasn't the only flustered one. After some rather embarrassing questions, I leave and allow him to get dressed.

"Thank you (Y/N)." squeaks Levi as he leaves the bathroom fully dressed.

Marching over, I give him a once-over. "Are you comfortable?"

"Um..." he stammers. "This is probably what a diaper feels like."

"Just a bit, but it's better than tampons." I giggle.

He tilts his head to the side in question. "What's a tam-"

"You don't wanna know!" I exclaim.

Conveniently at that exact moment, another scream rips through the air and I dash out of Levi's room. I jet through the halls till I make it to the outside of Asmo's room. I walk in only to find out that I have to repeat the cycle. Later, after I clean up another mess, I call a group meeting in the living room (after placing towels on the cushions).

One by one the brothers file in. "SIT," I order. Their eyes go wide and they quickly plant themselves on the couch.

"(Y/N)?" inquires Mammon.

"SHUSH! Now, Levi and Asmo have both gotten this talk and it is depressing how little they knew. Especially since Asmo knew so little. So you all are going to sit and get a little lesson from me. But first, everybody is putting on pads!" I exclaim in one singular breathe.

Once more, I explain how pads work, and then once they're all on I continue. I explain how the entire female reproductive system works, and by the time I'm done everybody is tomato red. I too am a deep scarlet red. I also force all of the boys to sit on the couch with heat pads and pain killers coursing through their systems. I. Am. Not. Dealing. With. Cramps.

Over time, one by one they each start their period. How do I know? Simple, they make a facial expression but try to hide it from me. When I realize that four hours has already gone by with us sitting on our phones, watching movies, and me bringing them lunch, I realize that none of them have changed their pads. In the words of even the two most intellectual of them: 'We didn't know we could!' Massive facepalm moment, so I once more explain that you can change them when you feel... more uncomfortable than you already do.

As the afternoon slips by, we do very little other than slip movie after movie through the DVD player. I even got to take a nap, which is surprising since they're all very clingy. When I come to, Beel's soft feminine voice breaks the silence.

"(Y/N)?" he asks quietly.

Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I sit up. "Yeah?"

"When we're back to normal," he starts. "I promise to take care of you during your period. This is absolutely horrible. How do you handle it?"

I stare silently at the seven in shock. "Well... um... I guess I'm used to it. I started when I was a teen, so I just guess that experience has helped. Other than cramps. The cramps never get better. As for taking care of me, that's sweet Beel but unnecessary. Remember when we went to the beach?"

"Yeah?" answers Mammon for the group.

I let out a little chuckle. "I was on my monthly."

"What! But you said that pads can't be used for swimming!?" exclaims Satan.

"Well, they can't," I state. "But don't worry your little heads about that. You guys only have to last a week. I have to last till menopause."

Lucifer scrunched his eyebrows together in thought. "Menopause?"

Hence how I launched into a very long-winded answer about what menopause is. When I finished, Levi decided to stop working and passed out on the couch. On the other hand, it's better than everybody staring at me. I don't give them much time to think though. Getting up, I go to make dinner. Afterward, I help usher seven very emotionally and physically tired men to bed. I help them get their outfits picked, and I even tuck them in before saying goodnight and leaving the room.

Phew! It's been a really long day. I don't even take the time or energy to change. Instead, I fall on my bed and the minute my head hits the pillow I was pass out... that is until Levi woke up and totally forgot everything that happened for a second and once more screams.

I, however, curl back up into my pillow and try to drown out the rest of creation. They'll be fine for another hour. The literal drama queens.

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volleyball-dontknowher · 4 years

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1 picture = 1000 words Oikawa Tooru x reader

Words: 2140

Warnings: fluff

A?n: sorry guys I had an off day and I wanted to go ahead and tell you that I have the other requests for the event and I am planning on doing them either when I climb into bed or tomorrow!!! I also only have a few requests left so please bare with meee

Going to Aoba Johsai was an easy choice for you, they had an amazing art program that was one of the best in the prefecture as well as being well...the closest to home. You walked maybe five minutes to school which was absolutely perfect when someone walked home with you, it was just long enough that you got to chat but never got into something too deep. Another wonderful reason that you decided on Aoba Johsai in the first place was a beautiful man named Oikawa Tooru. You and OIkawa had been in the same class now for five years, and you had had a crush on them since day one. It was something you would never ever admit to anyone, you wouldn’t even risk putting it in your journal because of all of the what if’s involved.

You found yourself taking little peeks at Oikawa throughout the day and just admiring how beautiful he was. You loved how he was easy to talk to, even though you had only done so a handful of times, how his smile never faded, and you especially loved how his heart never strayed away from what was right. You had seen him go from just some boy playing volleyball to someone who was regarded as one of the best setters in Miyagi. Oikawa was always cool, calm and collected traits that you could only admire.

You had gotten a simple assignment for your art class, paint a stranger. Without trying your brain went to Tooru and you were set on painting him. The task was that you should paint a stranger, but a stranger you could watch so it would be perfect. You sketched him later that day in class before taking it home and starting to paint. You had been working hard on getting every little tuft of hair correct as you tried to imitate the boy you had secret feelings for.

Today was the day you were supposed to turn the projects in and you were fretting more than usual. You didn’t like how lopsided his lips looked and wanted to fix it up but ran out of time. You were one of the first in the classroom, as it was about five minutes before class actually started so you decided to set your stuff down and head to the bathroom. On your way back from the bathroom you suddenly didn’t feel so well. Halfway down the hall you stopped and took a sip from the water fountain before slowly sinking down next to it. You couldn’t help but see that the world was spinning and you couldn’t help but watch as it went black. When you woke up you were in the nurses office, quickly being asked a series of questions. You sat up and scratched the back of your head as you figure out what exactly had happened to you.

Oh shit.

You forgot to eat breakfast this morning, you were up late working on the painting, then this morning woke up so late that you had to sprint to school and you’d spent the whole morning stressing. You passed out.

Double oh shit

You left your painting on your desk, exposed to everyone and your next class had already started in that room. THe class you shared with Oikawa Tooru. He was going to see your painting and there was nothing you could do about it. Luckily for you the nurse decided that you were not feeling well enough to continue on with the rest of your day. Your mother came to pick you up. She walked you to the car before going back to the school to grab your backpack.The car ride home was short and you had to admit that you were relieved to put off the inevitable for at least another day. You felt sick just thinking about the rude things that the girls that hung around him would say. They were the meanest, and the prettiest, in the school and you just practically cast yourself as even more of an outcast than you already felt. You liked to keep to themselves and that was something these girls knew nothing about, you heard stories of all of the guys they liked and dates as well as gossip about everyone else in the room. Once you were home you shook off these uneasy feelings as you ate some leftovers and went to bed. You slept the rest of the afternoon, waking briefly to have dinner before going back to bed in a mindless slumber.

Getting ready for school in the morning felt like the most tedious drag and you found yourself dragging your feet more than usual. You grabbed your backpack and quickly made your way to school. You got to school, passed the gates and went straight to your first class, ready for this day to be over already. You sat in your chair with your head on the desk hoping to get a little bit of shut eye before you had to go to start your day. Class started and came and went as usual, lucky for you this was just home room and OIkawa didn’t share this part of the day with you. Next was art, oh shit. Art. You didn’t have your project. No. It wasn’t with your backpack, it was probably in your mom’s car. You couldn’t imagine turning it in two days late, that was completely unheard of and unacceptable. Walking into class you tried to think of the best things to explain to your teacher but she just smiled and told you welcome back. You sat through the lecture with a lingering worry as you tried to figure out where your stupid project had gone.

At the end of class you decided to suck it up, “Mrs. Paddich I’m sorry about missing yesterday and about my project, I-” you start, nervously.

“Oh dearie, a young boy turned in your project for you yesterday clamining that you left it in the class. I do have to say that your painting looked awfully like the boy, it was incredible”

Your heart sank.

“Oh, um thank you,” you stuttered before leaving the classroom quickly. Oikawa had seen your painting and had turned it in for you. That was the only explanation for this, you had never seen him near an art room, even if he was dating an artsy girl he didn’t meet them down here. Why did he do it, how did he do it, all of these questions were a mystery but you had to deal with it. You went to your shared classroom today and instead of using the bathroom you went straight in and say down. When Oikawa entered the classroom you didn’t bother to run and look at him because you didn’t want to have him notice you. Little did you know that when he saw you in class he smiled just a little bit before getting drawn into talking to the same girls as usual. The entire class you were focused on avoiding Tooru while he was focused on ways to catch your attention. He wanted to ask a million questions about the painting, it was beautiful and he wanted to know how and why you made such a beautiful thing of him. Even though he seemed to be the most confident in the room Oikawa wasn’t. He wasn’t even the second or third most confident, he was closer to the end of the list but seeing you capture him and make him look so happy, so alive made his heart flutter. Tooru couldn’t help but stare at the painting when he first saw it and tucked it quickly away before the other’s could say anything about it. He knew it had to be returned to you, except you never came back and he had no idea what to do. Oikawa decided to bring it to the art teacher in hopes maybe you would show back up there next period and get to have it back. Secretly he wanted to keep it and treasure it forever, it was the most sentimental thing anyone had ever done for him, and the sad part was it wasn’t for him. Your painting stuck with him for the rest of the night and he found himself constantly daydreaming about it, about you. He had to confront you and talk to you, but he didn’t know how. He knew that you were in the same class for many years but you were always shy and even if he was interested you two were sat on the opposite side of the room.

The class was over before he had even finished his day dream and you both tried exiting as quickly as possible, for complete opposite reasons. He had barely missed you but was determined to get to you but you rounded the corner into the mass of people before it was possible.

It was now the last class of the day and Tooru had the same thing happen three more times to him, he had no idea why or how you escaped him so perfectly every time, but you did. This time was going to be different. He was going to get the advantage and get to talk to you once and for all. The bell rang and he jumped from his seat faster than anyone else in the room, and instead of trying to get you to talk to him right there in the busy hall he followed you just a few steps outside before catching up to you.

“Y/N,” wait,” Tooru tried calling, but it came out as more of just a whisper. You turned back to look at him, both worried and confused, this was the first time he has ever said your name.

“I-I just wanted to say that I saw your painting and I really liked it and I wanted to know how you did it,” he caught himself stuttering out. That was weird, Oikawa never stuttered.

“I don’t know I just did,” you shrugged trying not to let your heart beat out of your chest.

“It looked amazing Y/n, I just can’t stop thinking about it, I have never felt that way about something before. Why did you choose me?”

“If you want it, you can keep it. It was just for a project, I had to paint a stranger and I just guess I chose you,” you were looking down at your hands now, unsure of where this was going and trying to keep the heat from rising to your cheeks, “because we were supposed to paint strangers and I thought you would be a good subject,”

For reasons unbeknownst to Oikawa those words stabbed him directly in the heart as he felt himself suddenly breathless at the word. Strangers. Nothing in the world could have ever prepared him to have such a reaction, after all it was the trust, you were strangers. “If you don’t mind Y/n, I would like to change that,” Oikawa tried his typical flirty boy thing with you, but you could both tell that he was faking it, “I mean, I would like for us to not be strangers anymore,” he quickly corrects himself. You look up at him in almost disbelief, had the Oikawa Tooru just stuttered in front of you and messed up his words. You took a second to process it all before nodding at him. The butterflies that arose in both of your chests was something that promised happy days to come.

You exchanged phone numbers before he left for practice and before you knew it texting an old friend. Oikawa was funny and flirty but also real over texts, he sent you dumb picutes of what he was doing and you felt comfortable enough with him to do the same back. Girls in your class quickly noticed the change in their king and when they attempted to approach him about it, he was already engrossed in a conversation with you. It had been almost a week since you turned in that project and you had totally forgotten about it, moving on to other portraits. You got the painting back and walked to class with it behind your back hiding it from Tooru until you gave it to him as a gift.

He gave you the goofiest smile as you found yourself smiling back at him. He told you he had a surprise for you too, when you asked what it was he refused to tell you. All throughout class you kept bugging him and all he would tell you is that you would have to go with him and see.

“But Tooru, where are we going?” you found yourself shyly asking him.

“On a date silly,” he beamed back.

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cottage-babe · 4 years

Text

Burning Scars part III

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Sooo I lied... NEXT chapter will give more details on Y/n’s past. I was gonna write it in this chapter, but this came out wayyyy too long.

I also changed the story up a bit from the shows plot, but it’s generally the same.

Summary: Y/n, a werewolf from a hidden village, comes across Zuko and Iroh after being exiled. How has fate intertwined the wolf into the avatar's destiny?

*****This chapter takes place on Season 2 Episode 11 (I love using quotes from the show!!)

___

It was late into the afternoon when the three of them set out on their journey to the next town.

The sun was bright and was about an hour away from setting into the highest peaks of the mountains. The forest around them was quiet; the only noises being made were soft crunches as the feet of the ostrich-horses padded into the dirt path. Yes, you heard that right. Ostrich-horses.

Lee decided to take an extra one that was there in the stables so the three of them could travel faster. When Y/n asked him how much it costed him, he said the owner had generously lent it for free. Of course, even she wasn’t stupid enough to believe that.

But nonetheless, they traveled with Mushi on his own Ostrich-horse while Lee and Y/n rode the other one. The girl still couldn’t manage to ride the horse properly and had to stick both legs on one side. She had tried to ride with Mushi, but he insisted that the pain in his shoulder would increase if she ever needed to hold on to him and that it was safer to be with Lee. She doubted she would ever need to hold on to a rider, but she didn’t want to hurt the old man, so she agreed with him.

Turns out, she was wrong and on multiple occasions the ride became too steep for her to just hold on to the saddle. Y/n had to grip tightly onto Lee until the hills would even out (and let her just say, Lee was not as scrawny as he seemed to be).

The trio traveled a lot faster than they did the first time. An hour had passed and the town and its people were already miles away. The sun’s last rays shone out of the mountains before it faded away; the sky turning from bright orange to a light lavender.

For the entire ride, they were oddly silent. It seemed that the events that had occurred earlier in the day quieted the two talkative members. This silence was soon broken by a quiet moaning.

“Uhhhh.... OhhAhoo...” Mushi quietly groaned.

Y/n and Lee looked over to the old man to see him clutching at his shoulder.

“Maybe we should make camp,” said Lee.

“No please,” Mushi insisted. “Don’t stop just for me.”

Then, Mushi shot the girl a wink and continued to groan loudly. Y/n giggled as Lee’s shoulders began to tense up and he pulled the reins of their ride to halt the animal. Mushi copied his nephew.

“This is a good place to stop anyways.” Y/n spoke as she hopped off. “I can hear water somewhere around here.”

It was a quiet sound; a soft rushing of a stream, perhaps a river. It'd be nice for her to finally take a real bath.

"Really? I don't hear anything." Lee said when he jumped down beside her.

She should probably make a mental list of all the things that humans can't do. To start it off: humans have sucky hearing. The water seemed about half a mile away, so a 5 minute jog or 10 minute walk. The fact that they couldn't hear the it was quite alarming.

How have humans survived this long?

Y/n shrugged her shoulders in response to Lee.

“Seems like my ears are just superior to yours,” she grinned competitively.

Lee playfully glared back at her before a small smile rested on his face. Maybe the two were finally coming to better terms.

The trio grabbed all of their things from the horses and set up their camp. They didn’t have much; two sleeping bags that belonged to the boys, a tea pot with cups, and some food from the last village. Unfortunately, Y/n didn’t have anywhere to sleep, but that didn’t phase her at all. The floor wasn’t the worst place she’d slept.

Although the sun had already set, the sky had yet to succumb to darkness and it was still quite bright. The girl in the group decided that she still had enough time to bathe and make it back before the stars appeared, so she grabbed the clothes she had borrowed from Lee and started on her path to the river.

Being back in the forest, away from the barren sun and rocky floors, brought a swell of happiness to Y/n. The passing breeze sang to her as it fluttered through the trees; an orchestrated harmony to match the chattering animals that hid in secret places around her. It was so nice to be back, to feel so free.

She spun around with a quiet laugh and the skirt of her dress twirled around her. The girl felt so at home that it almost seemed that nothing had happened to her; almost like she hadn’t been forced to leave her pack and be taken in by strangers. It just felt so free here.

Y/n slipped off her shoes and began to run.

The wind blew past her in defiance to her speed, but nothing seemed to slow her down. The smiling girl jumped over wood logs, through leaning branches, and sped past towering trees.

It wasn’t until the greenery subsided into an open area that the girl stopped her antics. The sound of the wind was soon replaced by a the soft hum of the flowing river.

She stopped to catch her breath, then undressed to begin her shower. Before she stepped into the water, Y/n sat down on the dirty clothes so she could examine the wound that adorned her thigh. Slowly, she unwrapped the white cloth then set it off to the side; just at the bank of the river. Her hands drifted to the wound and gently felt the skin there.

Her bite had completely healed already.

She bit her lip as she tried to think. The skin had scarred deeply and settled into a pinkish tone that showed where the teeth marks had been. She knew that a werewolf’s period of healing was slightly faster than a human’s, so she’s going to have to cover it back up with the used wraps before she could go back to see the boys.

Ew, that’s kinda gross.

Ignoring her disgust, Y/n walked into the water. The sensation cooled her skin and the water lapped around her. The river was fairly calm, but the flow of the water gently pushed up against the shore before receding back down. She scrubbed her body with her hands until the area ran clear and the mud drifted down the long river. When she finished, she cleaned out her borrowed clothes from Lee. They weren’t that dirty, but she wanted to be polite as a her way of thanks.

Soon she waded back to shore (after seeing the first few stars twinkle in the sky) and put her dress back on. The girl looked to where she had set her bandages, but her eyes only found an empty spot.

Oh no.

She frantically searched around the bank of the river for the white, bloody pieces of cloth, but unfortunately came up empty handed. They weren’t hidden in the reeds or blown away to a near by rock. They were gone.

Y/n stood still for a moment, trying to think if she had misplaced them. No, she had left them right here at the edge of the shore, just a few feet away from the river so it wouldn’t get swept up in the wa-

Just as she thought that, the tides rushed up and touched her feet, exactly where she knew she left her wraps.

The water had carried her bandages away.

What was she supposed to do now? She can’t go back to the boys with her bite magically healed. They would suspect that she was a “dangerous being” or something.

She’s going to have to see if they have an extra one that she could take without their suspicion. She’d steal it if she had to.

And that was what riddled her mind as she walked back to their campsite. Maybe it would be too dark for them to see her scars? No, they would have a camp fire.

Eventually, Y/n saw the orange light of their fire and paused before she hit the edge of the treeline. The two boys were sitting on rocks next to the fire while drinking tea and eating. They seemed to be having a light and happy conversation between them.

Okay, good moods = good reactions.

Here goes nothing.

Y/n walked over to Lee and Mushi; both of them looking up to greet her. They both had a smile on their faces that met their eyes. It was good to see Lee so happy.

Lee looked at the pile of wet clothes in her hands that conveniently covered her wound. “Oh, you washed my clothes. You didn’t have to.”

He held his hands out to take the clothing. Y/n quickly passed it to him, then brought her hands back in front of her. She tried to nonchalantly cover her scar, but it seemed like Lee noticed it anyways.

“Do you need some new bandages?” He asked, standing up straight. “I can help you put them on. Let me go get them.”

He walked over to his bag and ruffled through it until he pulled out the clean wraps. When he returned, Lee looked as though he was looking for a place for the girl to sit. Instead, she raised one hand up to politely decline him.

“Really, Lee, it’s fine. I can do it myself.” She tried to reach out for the wrap with the hand that didn’t cover her leg, but he pulled the item back.

“There is no reason to cover up your wound, Y/n!” Mushi laughed. “It can’t be any worse than what we saw yesterday.”

Y/n forced a laugh out when she looked at the old man, but unfortunately for her, Lee saw this moment to catch her off guard and grab both her hands. He had planned to pull her down to sit on the large rock, but paused when his eyes met her leg.

Lee instantly gasped and let go of her.

Y/n slowly backed away in fear of his reaction with wide eyes.

“U-uhh, I c-can explain,” she said defensively and she raised her hands up in a surrender.

Once his eyes saw what the cause of the commotion was, Mushi rose from his position and stared at the girl with a confused look. Lee, on the other hand, had drawn two swords out of nowhere and was threatening her with it.

“Why is your leg healed already? What are you?” He yelled.

Y/n was a few feet away from him and was still racking her brain for an answer to his question. Should she just confess everything right now? And put her people at risk? Was her life really worth the safety of her town; the people that betrayed her?

She decided that now was not the time to let everything out and took a step toward Lee, her plan being to calm him before he decided to kill her.

“Lee, listen to me. I’m not-”

Her words and steps were interrupted by one of the boy’s swords sweeping out, a line of... fire shooting out?!

Y/n jumped back quickly and barely dodged the lick of the flames.

H-how is he...? Did he just...?

Before she could think much of it, Mushi had shaken off the shock and ran towards Lee.

“Zuko! Stop!” The old man warned. He grasped one of Lee’s arms to stop him from harming the girl.

The young boy grunted while sweeping out the arm that was yet to be captured and another shot of heat spread from it. It tried to reach her again, so instead of jumping back, she ran toward the forest in a complete sprint, ignoring the calls of Mushi behind her.

She was completely hidden in the trees and bushes before she decided to look back. Her eyes focused on the two males that couldn’t see her and saw that they were arguing quietly... well sorta quietly. Mushi was whisper yelling while Lee was quite loud.

Lee’s words of mistrust leaked from his mouth and flooded her area. Could he really feel that way? She had thought that they were becoming friends, but it turned out she was wrong .

Y/n’s heart still felt like it was beating out of her chest.

What was she supposed to do now? Why did fire come out of his hands? Will they try to kill her? Mushi wouldn’t let that happen, right? Lee was such a wildcard, though, so who knows what could happen.

So much things were happening in such a short period of time. Just yesterday she had been shamed and banished from her pack, marked with a bite that will show her embarrassment for all time. And today she relished in the care of Lee and Mushi before they, too, turned on her. Maybe she should start taking that “lone wolf” phrase more seriously.

But leaving now was so hard. She didn’t know where the next town was and she didn’t know anyone nearby. Once again, she was faced with the torment of being an outcast.

It was way too dark to travel, so the lonely wolf girl laid on the softest part of the ground; the two men never leaving her line of sight in case they moved too close.

Perhaps hours had passed, but soon enough the girl’s exhaustion caught up with her and she succumbed to the patient whispers of her dreams.

___

“Shut up Ayano!” Y/n whispered as the two of them made it out of their den, past the sleeping wolves.

They were lucky to even have made it this far; most of the pack had gone out for a long days hunt and were exhausted. Since it was so late into the night, everyone was deep in their sleep.

Her sister giggled once more into the palm of her hand. She always loved the thrill of sneaking out, didn’t she?

Soon enough, the sisters made it deep into the forest to find their meeting spot. It was a large rock that curved inward and up toward the bright moon. Ayano and Y/n ran to the side of it and began to dig with their hands into the soft dirt; their palms becoming increasingly dirty until their hands met a large leather bag. They opened the bag to retrieve it’s contents, but paused when they heard a low growl.

The girls looked around worriedly; scared that they had been caught in the act of leaving. The punishment would be severe, especially with their family’s high ranking. Three sets of glowing red eyes appeared behind the bushes and they challenged the sisters. The girls knew better however and stood statue-like.

Then, the hiding wolves pounced on the two girls and Y/n gasped in surprise. Ayano was tackled harshly to the ground, the impact leaving a bruise on her human skin, no doubt. She let out a small scream and tried to get away from the large animal above her.

The night was dark, but even the white streak of fur that lined the back of the angry wolf couldn’t be hidden. Y/n scoffed.

“Binu, get off of her.”

The wolf’s red eyes looked over to where you were standing and bared its teeth in a growl. Eventually, the noise morphed into an obnoxious laugh as the boy changed into his human body.

“We really got you guys, didn’t we?” Binu rolled off of his sister and helped her up.

Ayano angrily wiped at her body to removed the dirt; she had spent an hour cleaning herself at the pond earlier.

“You guys are so stupid, what if an Elder heard us and we all would be punished because of your idiotic games.” The girl mumbled.

The two other boys shifted into their bodies as well. The three of them were the sister’s brothers: Binu, Fen, and Shong. They were all technically twins (or whatever you call a set of five), as they were born at the same time from the same mother.

“I told them the same thing, Ayano!” Fen whispered while he looked around in fear of someone watching. “I don’t even think we should go out tonight, we should stay here and get ready for the trials tomorrow.”

Shong pushed his brother to the side and walked over to the leather bag that the girls had dug out before. “Quit being such an ass-kisser, Fen. It’s not like we have anything to worry about anyways. Our plan is fool proof.”

He opened the bag and threw everyone their clothes. The siblings quickly got dressed in their brown and green attire.

“Are we ready?” Shong asked.

The group nodded and started on their journey to the human town a couple of miles away. Binu had overheard that a festival was occurring that night in the village; the cause of the celebration was unknown, but the five of them just adored the liveliness of the humans. They always got so much happier at night when the music was playing and the lanterns were out.

They eventually made it to the town and heard the soft beating of a drum accompanying the laughter of the citizens.

Thump... Thump... Thump...

___

Thump... Thump... Thump...

Y/n’s eyes shot open from her dream. That noise was not just in her head.

She slowly got up from her position on the floor and rubbed the sleepiness from her eyes. The sun was barely peaking out from the eastern mountains; it must be morning. The boys were laying in their bed rolls fast asleep, but they probably wouldn’t even hear anything if they were awake.

Y/n strained her ears to listen again for the beating noise. It sounded like a pack of big, four legged animals. The way they ran sounded different than wolves and it seemed like they were half a mile away... okay now way less than that.

They’re so fast and they’re coming in this direction!

She was going to jump out and wake them up (even despite their large fight last night, she didn’t want them trampled), but then she head human voices near the animals. They must be tamed animals then.

So Y/n decided to wait in her spot at the edge of the trees to see if the boys were going to react in any way. They were certainly cautious when she first met them.

The animals had finally made it to the boy’s camp and the girl looked around the trees to see them.

They were five huge... lizard things? They didn’t seem too dangerous, but the men riding them looked like they would kill someone. They were decked out in black and red clothing and made a tight circle around the sleeping men.

Lee and Mushi’s ostrich-horse began to get antsy at it’s post. The squawks of the bird aroused the men from their sleep and they finally noticed the group around them. They jumped up and held their hands in the same position that had threatened her with.

Maybe that’s how they fight, or it could be that weird flame thing from last night.

The two men were clearly outnumbered. Even if they could fight well, it seemed like the group around them were warriors of some kind. If it came down to it, Y/n would help them without hesitation.

After a tense moment of glaring, Mushi lowered his arms and placed a hand on Lee's shoulder. The younger boy didn't lower his guard, glanced around at his uncle.

"Colonel Mongke!" Mushi smiled. "What a pleasant surprise!"

The man who spoke next, presumably Colonel Mongke, had three large feathers poking out the top of his head. His face was long and a gold nose ring adorned it.

"If you're surprised we're here, then the Dragon of the West has lost a few steps."

Then, he and his group began displaying their weapons; clashing gauntlets, swinging swords, and aiming bows.

A show of power, huh?

Y/n had seen this many times before when she was with her pack; animals would demonstrate their deadliest trait to scare their opponents. This challenge of strength caused the girl to release a low growl.

Wow, didn't know I could do that as a human.

This was really getting serious. Y/n began removing her clothes and throwing them into a pile on the floor. If she was going to change, then she didn't want to ruin her brand new dress.

"You know these guys?" Lee spoke as the group's flaunting finished.

"Sure, Colonel Mongke and the Rough Rhinos are legendary. Each one is a different kind of weapon specialist." Mushi looked around to each person. "They are also a very capable singing group."

Y/n let out a laugh, of course he would find something to joke about now.

"We're not here to give a concert." Mongke snarled, "We're here to apprehend fugitives!"

Fugitives?

Mushi rubbed at his arm. "Would you like some tea first? I'd love some. How about you, Kahchi? I make you as a jasmine man. Am I right?"

"Enough stalling! Round 'em up!"

Those words were a good enough cue for Y/n to join in as well. As the first sounds of battle began to ring out, the girl began her transformation.

She could feel her bones stretch, her fur growing out of her skin, her teeth elongating. It used to be such a painful experience, but she grew numb to the feelings already. Being in her natural fur could only be described as freedom.

The girl knew exactly how she looked to everyone; her fur was as black as the night sky and her eyes matched. It was the one thing that separated her from her siblings, their eyes being a fiery red while hers blended with darkness. It's why she was always the best hunter.

But here in the daylight, she probably looked like a hound straight from the shadows of the spirit world. To humans, she was probably otherworldly.

Y/n jumped out of her hiding spot and attacked the first red man she saw. He had an arrow docked on his bow that was aimed straight at Lee and was about to release it, but the girl's claws reached him first. She tackled him off his saddle and bared her teeth at him.

No, I can't kill them. Not in front of Lee and Mushi.

Instead of doing the harm she wanted, the girl used her paw to push him away like a rag doll. The fear of dying was enough for him to jump on his lizard-animal and ride away in the direction they came.

Y/n looked around to see that everyone had stopped to look at her. They had probably never seen a creature like her.

Mushi took this opportunity to wrap the chain of one of the men's weapons around the leg of a nearby steed and sent the lizard running, efficiently ridding the battle of another opponent.

Lee fought with the Colonel, but the man stopped attacking when he saw Y/n beginning to approach his other two members.

Mongke yelled at his men to retreat before smirking at Lee and Mushi.

"I'll just let nature finish the two of you off."

He quickly rode off with the rest of his group and left the trio alone.

Mushi and Lee looked at you with fear, determination, and confusion written across their faces. The younger boy looked as though he was getting ready to strike her; as if she was some wild animal that needed to be tamed.

Alright, let's stop this before they try to kill me.

Y/n began to shrink back down to her human form; her bones reduced in size, her fur and claws retracted into her skin. Slowly, the girl returned to be the person Lee and Mushi had helped before.

Mushi's eyes widened in disbelief, "Oh my."

Lee had the same look decorating his face. It was as if he wanted to speak, but the only words that left his mouth were stutters of random letters.

Y/n was kneeling on the dirt floor and stood as the boys processed her. She looked at their faces to gauge their reactions, but was left confused when Mushi looked to the side and Lee froze with a red face. She followed the boy's gaze until it landed on her very naked body.

Oh, spirits...

Y/n quickly used her arms to cover as much as she could and ran back into the forest.

"W-wait! Come back!" Lee shouted after her.

She was kind of flattered that he tried to stop her from leaving. It was the only thing that littered her mind as she gathered her clothing and put them back on with a smile. This might mean that they've changed their minds about her.

After she was dressed appropriately, Y/n took a deep breath and stepped out of her cover into the duo's line of sight. They looked relieved to see that she hadn't run away.

"I think we have a lot to talk about," she said, wringing both hands in front of her in an almost shy manner.

This is going to be a long conversation.

___

That was about 4,000 words, phew.

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Taglist: @bucky-blogs @hopefuloperaangelnerd @simplyfandomish @oddlypointlessescapes ((Sorry the tag didn’t work!))

#zuko #zuko x reader #atla

56 notes · View notes

pbandjesse · 4 years

Text

I just got it in my head to cut my hair. Not the length but all my layers had grown out and my ends felt fried. So that was fun. Today was incredibly busy but honestly just a really good day

I slept okay enough. And I woke up a little before my alarm. I bothered James for a bit but I got up and made the bed and went to get ready. I felt pretty cute. And I was looking forward to my day.

And I was totally right that Chris was going to throw me in a group so I had to stick up for myself. And I got exactly what I wanted. I was with a group all morning and working on prep and having that one class in the afternoon. Charlotte is wonderful and was okay with it and that made my life so much easier.

The kids I had today were excellent. Could not have asked for a better group. I brought string and clay and looms over and they were so excited to learn. Most of the girls (and one of the boys) spent the whole morning making bracelets.

They were such good listeners though and so easy to work with. We went to "the museum" which is a little library room in the lodge, to return books and help clean up, and to get a few other books. And then back to the art shed to hang in the hammocks and play with clay and work on bracelets. It was just so chill.

We went up to horsemanship and we were a little early but that was alright. We hung out at one of the picnic tables and then one of the dachshund dogs, Baily, came over and after all the kids pet them one of the boys were like "Hands off!!! It's Ms Jesse's turn!" which I didnt even ask for but was so sweet. So I sung the panda bear song to Baily and the kids thought it was so cute and then Baily wouldnt stop following me. Adorable.

We headed out and said goodbye to the horses and took the secret trail back to the fort. We had lunch. I had them all eat at their own bunk and then we cleaned everything after. And since we had some time before the pool I was like. We will go hang in the hammocks some more.

But then I got a call that some of the kids were getting picked up right then. Get them ready, get them outside. Weird. It was going to storm later but like. The sky was clear now, so this wasnt an early pick up.

But they left and I took the remaining 5 to the art shed to chill until Charlotte came for them. Which is when Charlotte told me that all the kids that were in one counselor's group last week were going home because she was sick. My heart was racing. I had to go sit down. Apparently the health department says were good as long ad those kids left until results came back. But jeez. Alexi had a conversation with me later and it seems like its going to be okay. That its just a cold. But man. Its scary to think about. I am so worried about everything all the time and that was not good for my heart.

The rest of the day was supposed to be prep. And it was but it was also just so busy!! I had the kids from yesterday come back and they continued to be very small and silly and sweet. They painted and enjoyed the hammocks and I worked on some prep. It was good.

Once they left I got to work on my worry jar example. The material Heather got for me to do it seems to be perfect. I am excited to experiment with it more. But I wasnt sure how long it would take to dry so I decided to take it on a walk around camp. Show Heather. She was very excited and thought it looked super cute.

I made a stop at the trading post and asked if some teens had free time they come help me sort out strings. And Olive was like. My teens!! They will help!! We have nothing to do!!

So I was like. Uncomfortable because I hate asking for help. But I sucked it up and they honestly were just wonderful. They were so super helpful. They were silly. They were there with me for a few hours and they made things look so neat and clean. Olive mostly dealt with embroidery floss, some of the girls did the yarn, one girl did the sewing box. The boys were given the task of smashing tiles for mosaics and they were having way to good of a time. It was so silly. But because they were all doing those things I could just work on setting up things for the next few days and next week. Amazing.

I started getting a head ache though. The sky was getting dark and there was thunder. I think the pressure in the atmosphere was giving me a head ache. But I was in such a good mood with this group of kids. We somehow ended up talking about periods and abusive relationships and body piercings? They had good questions and I dont mind explaining things. They were sweet.

Once they finished cleaning things up, they headed out. I was pretty tired. I hadnt taken a real break today. Busy busy busy. So I spent the next half hour just laying in the hammock. But then I felt guilty so I finished cleaning and went to the office.

But soon it was time to leave. I had a head ache and I was worried about the rain. And the rain did hold off. Until about half way through my drive home. It came down hard. And people still dont seem to understand that I CANNOT SEE YOU if your lights are off!!! So it was slow going but I got through the rain and it was dry the rest of the way home.

When I got back here James was out. He was getting us veggies for dinner and was home before I jumped in the shower.

I felt a lot better once I was clean and in pjs. James made us a lovely pasta dinner. And I played animal crossing. Said goodbye to Keaton, our first campsite villager, who is finally moving away. I hope we get a good friend next.

We have just been hanging out since then. I cut my hair. And now I am going to go get ready for bed. I hope we all sleep well tonight. I hope tomorrow is a wonderful day for you all. Goodnight my friends!!

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colitisandme · 5 years

Text

Yesterday was a bad day. With IBD, some days are bad days, some really bad days and yesterday was the equivalent of your shoes getting stolen whilst having a nap on a train having to leave the station to find it’s raining, stepping on poo, then have a driver throw a rancid burrito at you out of a car window whilst pigeons watch nearby. Now you are being chased by pigeons who think you resemble a wet, walking, snack. So you run bare foot and screaming through a group of people, Knocking them over like bowling pins. You run and run, still screaming, trying in vain to get back to your house, only to find you’ve dropped your keys somewhere between stepping in poo, losing your shoes and getting attacked by wild hungry birds. And so wet, bitten and smelly, you sit on your doorstep, looking like you’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards, until a nice neighbour invites you in to their house. Once inside, he makes you stand on kitchen roll in his hallway, and shoes the rest of the family away from you into the lounge, until the locksmith comes out and lets your shivery, embarrassed, bedraggled self into your own house, eyeing you up with a mixture of suspicion and horror as you squelch up the stairs. Yep yesterday was like that.

It started out okay. I hadn’t slept for the 3rd night in a row and so was starting to resemble something from ‘the night of the living dead.’ I fed our bunnies, who looked slightly alarmed when this swamp like creature appeared at their hutch door, and to show their disgust at my bedraggled, bloodshot eyed appearance, scuttled off into their bedroom area and did not re-appear until I filled up their food bowls. In the process of doing this and leaning down to give them some affection, I proceeded to fall over and nearly break my leg on one of their toys, which in turn, caused me to yell out loudly, scrabbling to keep myself upright. After I tried to gain my balance, they proceeded to thump at me in chorus for disturbing their peaceful breakfast time, ignore my cries of pain and rebuff my attempts to pacify them with pieces of dried fruit. I then hobbled back inside, groaning and cursing my need to make sure our bunnies were stimulated by making our shed into the equivalent of the ‘Toys R’Us bunny sanctuary’ proclaiming war and future destruction of all cardboard tunnels, fed our doggy guest then tried to start my day.

My body was being a D**k! A true arsehole. Firstly it spent the first hour convincing me I needed to go to the loo, (hadn’t been for 3 days) and so I spent that hour running backwards and forwards to my bathroom like I was on a travelator, sweating, swearing, grunting, in pain and nauseous before finally forcing myself to go. My poor bum was in tatters and my hands became red and sore because I had clenched my fists so hard, there were nail marks imbedded into my palm. The dog didn’t understand my pain, as I limped over to the freezer and put ice on my paws and just wanted strokes and belly rubs so I nursed my paws and stroked the dog, thankful she too didn’t love cardboard tunnels. As well as now dealing with leg injury and ice paws, I had been, for the past few days living with a bite on my arm, due to some demon insect deciding it would fuck up my week by taking a chunk out of my arm. This might not sound like much, but my immune system is shot and I am also really helpfully, allergic to the one bug that chewed on me, so it’s a big deal.

It picked on me when I was trying to be a good fur baby mum, and clean out my bunnies shed. He flew up out of the hay and sank his little insecty fangs into my poor unsuspecting flesh. Although bumpy and itchy, I put some cream on it, wrapped ice around my arm and hoped for the best. Well my arm ballooned. My whole left forearm resembled a cross between Popeye and the Michelin man. After rubbing my arm, then cursing myself for scratching myself into a stupor and declaring war on all things insecty and bitey, ( I never harm any animal including spiders, snails, bees wasps etc but I draw the line at fly’s and horseflys because they find me perfectly delicious) I instructed my husband to get me some hydrocortisone cream and I found some Anti itch cream nestled in my bag to slather all over it. But it was too late. I once watched a documentary which stated, that a bear will travel hundreds of miles to visit his favourite ‘scratching tree’ and I now understand the extroadinary travel time and distance he would go to, just to happily scratch himself for a few hours. I was so bloody itchy I was rubbing myself on anything to relieve that itch. Anything. And if anyone would have seen me, I would have looked demented with my tongue on one side, trying to rub my arm up and down the wooden beams in my house with a look on my face that resembled madness and sheer euphoria. Of course this was a mistake, and soon all the antihistamine coursed through my body and hundreds of hives had popped up, so I knew I just had to grit my teeth and wait it out. 3 days later, hair on end, sleepless, eyes wide, hungry and my bum in tatters I had lost a lot of my reserves.

You would think that my body, at this point, would take pity on me. Give me a cuddle, send me up to bed with a warm drink of peppermint and liquorice tea (god I miss hot chocolate) and shush me to sleep with the southing sounds of whale music, but no. It was mean and refused to comfort me or lull me to sleep using soft tones or the sounds of the sea. It really wanted to scream obscenities at me and serenade me with symphonies that sounded like the music was being played by an irate toddler who would use a combination of drums, violin and cymbals to piss me and my ears off. And so right at the moment I sat itchy, cold pawed, bruised and tattered, sore, hair on end, achey, with my eyes on stalks... I got my period. (Sorry to all the guys reading this)

The pain smacked into me like a freight train. An absolute punch to the gut and then reversed and slammed into my back to make doubly sure it really hurt me in my tender spots. Already in quite a lot of pain, It absolutely took my breath away. IBD makes me feel like my whole body is full of stones. I personally feel like I am never empty, and stones take up a lot of bloody room in an already swollen, angry, raw space that doesn’t appreciate more visitors. Yesterday the IBD was rampant. Now this. “NO COCKING WAY, “THERES NO MORE ROOM” I yelled out. “I AM FULL” My body didn’t listen and ignored my screams and my protestations, and continued to fill the already cramped, raw, ragged and heavy space with what felt like shards of glass. So with itchy skin, clusters of hives all down my arm, sore hands, sore bum, sore stomach, bags under my eyes and now dealing with agonising pain searing throughout the lower half of my body, I lost it. I cried. I didn’t want to cry, because the sobs made my body hurt. But right at that moment I lost it. I hated my body. I didn’t understand why it was hurting me so much. I staggered to the kitchen, made myself a water bottle, got some water, and lay down. I knew I couldn’t get through this with meditation, I knew I couldn’t solve this with mindfulness and I couldn’t take painkillers. I just had to ride it out. It got to afternoon and I was in so much agony I couldn’t have a wash, cook or get myself upstairs and so I ate a banana to keep me going until the pain subsided.

It didn’t subside. It didn’t let up at all. Not for one millisecond. Every time I moved it felt like my whole body was being squeezed by a boa-constrictor, every time I breathed, I would cramp. Every time I took a small bite of banana or a sip of water, my whole body reacted with venomous anger. There was nothing I could do. Nothing except to wait, and stroke the Dog’s ears who laid next to me and looked at me with concerned and loving eyes.

My wonderful, caring husband came home and saw my sad blotchy face. He listened to me as I cursed IBD, my body, being a woman, nasty insects and the perils of bunny toys, wiped my tears, gave me a huge cuddle and helped me to have a shower. It hurt. Getting out of the shower hurt. Getting dried made me yell out in pain, putting fresh PJs on caused me pain. He then tucked me up, got me 3 water bottles, and put on Masterchef Australia whilst he sorted out dinner, bunnies and general household ness. (My Husband is awesome.)

The pain went on and on, like Dante’s seventh circle of hell. It was during this time I (mistakenly) put a post up on FB about what a shit day I was having. So because I have been out of work, I have spoke to a couple of at home type businesses for possible income ideas, and I couldn’t believe it but during my extreme pain episode, one messaged me privately, and started up a conversation trying to sell me their product. Now, I am hugely respectful of anyone trying to make a living online, from home or in any capacity, and had already had a few conversations with this particular lady explaining that I couldn’t afford her ‘start up package’ nor her products, and so when she messaged me again I was surprised.

Through the haze of my groin splitting pain, I again explained I couldn’t afford her high costs, and I thought that would stop the conversation but no, she pushed it. She was trying to use the fact I was in pain, discomfort and misery at that moment to get a ruddy sale. I was appalled. What the hell did she expect me to do or say? “Sure, I would love to gab away with you like gal pals while I cross my eyes, grind my teeth and chew my fist in pain due to an angry gremlin gnawing away on my intestines and womb! I would definitely love to hear about all the exact uses of wuffle dust, and how it will cure all my aches and pains as I try not to swear, vomit or hurl myself into the bathroom. No sodding problem. Let me just get my cocking credit card”... I couldn’t believe she used that moment to try and make me a customer. I got really angry. I couldn’t believe she would do that, in that way, at that time. I honestly truly was stunned that someone would try and take advantage of me like that and so, once I could focus through the pain, I told her so. I explained politely that what she did was wrong, how shitty it made me feel, and although I had huge respect for her and her product, I no longer wanted to have any contact with her. I then proceeded to erase her from my social media. I do not want to associate with anyone who would use someone’s vulnerability to get a sale. It’s disgusting.

It was way past midnight when most of the world was quiet and I had uttered every swear word I could think of, that my body finally relented to sleep. And as I staggered, exhausted upstairs, feeling used by my body, manipulated by people and generally hacked off at the world, I reached out to a few others who were also having a shit day. As we all experienced our own pain, we lifted each other up, laughed, chatted through tears and cursed our irrate and unco-operative bodies. Just before finally drifting off to sleep we all wholeheartedly agreed that sometimes, on days like this, there really aren’t enough swear words in the world to make the minute, the hour, the moment or day better, but yelling out or whispering through gritted teeth, the most creative and bizarre ones we could think of to ourselves, definitely helps.

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undersummerskyy · 6 years

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Hey! I love what/how you write! So here is one: After USO, Beca and Chloe are separated by distance (you can choose if they are together or not) and they try really hard to get together during the year, but every time that they manage, they just fall asleep together 'cause they're so tired (obs they can't sleep without each other so they haven't been sleeping well for long periods of time). Basically, fluffy-tired-fustrated Bechloe until one of them just decides to move.

This was fun to write, although it took me a while haha. I tried to stay as close to the original prompt as I could, but some things are a bit different. I still hope you enjoy!

AO3 LINK

Yesterday it was 5 hours.

Today and tomorrow are 6.

The day after it will be 4 hours.

She can do 4.

Beca’s been traveling around the country, on a tour with DJ Khaled. They started their tour only two months after the end of the USO tour, and it’s been crazy ever since. They barely had enough time to come up with new and original content. But they did it. Days and weeks without sleep paid of and Beca was proud of the material they had come up with. She was proud to present it to the rest of the world. No matter how scary. In some songs she sang, in other, she was just the producer. It worked.

She figured that once they would get on the road she would be so exhausted that all she would (or well.. could) do at nights was sleep.

Sadly though, the opposite had been true.

Because Beca didn’t sleep. She never slept.

That was, until she had decided to FaceTime Chloe one night.

“Becs?” Chloe had answered, blinking hard and then squinting her eyes at the harsh light of her phone. “Is everything okay?” Her voice sounded hoarse and low.

“Yeah. I’m okay. Are you alone?” She wasn’t sure what the deal with Chloe and Chicago was, but she did know that she didn’t want to do this if he was there.

“Yes, what’s wrong?”

She shrugged, not quite sure if Chloe could tell from the angle. “I can’t sleep.”

Chloe rolled over on her side, then put her phone up against something on the pillow next to her, and for a second it felt like she was really there. She mimicked Chloe’s position, putting her own phone up on the other pillow as well, then tucking her hands under her face and smiling softly at the redhead.

“I miss you.” Chloe said.

“I miss you too.” She responded honestly. Maybe she wouldn’t have admitted it if she wasn’t so tired, but there was no stopping her now.

“Do you want to talk?” The redhead then asked, before yawning.

A part of her did, because they hadn’t really talked much over the last two months, hadn’t had the time to, and she wondered what was going on with vet school, the Bellas, their apartment.. and Chicago. She wanted to tell Chloe all about her new music and her first ‘fans’ and everything that was happening. But she was also tired, so tired. She hadn’t felt this comfortable and safe in a bed ever since she left New York.

“Not right now.” Beca answered instead, letting her eyes fall closed. “Can you stay for a little while?”

Chloe smiled. “Of course. I’ll wait until you’ve fallen asleep.”

And Chloe didn’t have to wait long, because not five minutes later, Beca Mitchell had fallen into a deep sleep for the first time in two months, a small smile still on her face while she dreamed of her best friend, the woman who she loved most in the world.

After that, their FaceTime goodnight sessions became more frequent. They didn’t always have the time for it, with Chloe’s busy schedule and timezones. Beca was usually up late, working on music or still performing, and sometimes Chloe was already asleep. She felt bad for waking up the other woman just so she could see her, but she also knew that Chloe would get mad at her if she missed three nights of sleep just because Beca didn’t want to bother her.

But sometimes she fought her sleep, wanting to keep staring at Chloe, keep listening to her voice. She wanted to reach out and tuck a stray strand of hair behind her ear, cuddle into her like they’d done in New York when it was cold and they didn’t have heating. But she couldn’t do that.

Then, 4 months into the tour and 6 months since they had last seen each other, an opportunity presented itself.

Beca was performing in Philadelphia.

Philadelphia was only a two-hour drive away from their small apartment in Brooklyn.

And she still had a key.

After her performance ended that night, at 9:30pm, she made a rash decision and got in her car. She had her suitcase packed and with her, even though she knew she wasn’t in that much of a rush. Her plane wasn’t leaving until 2 in the afternoon tomorrow, giving her plenty of time to sleep in and get back to Philadelphia.

She’d texted Amy, who confirmed that Chloe was indeed home tonight, and she also said that she would make sure the two of them could have the apartment to themselves, as long as she promised they could all go out for breakfast together the next day. Which was an easy promise to make, of course.

So finally, exhausted and anxious and tired, she climbed the stairs of her old apartment building and turned the lock at precisely 12:00am and entered the dark apartment. She’d forgotten how small it was, surprised when she bumped into their - or well.. now just Chloe’s - bed. She looked down, the light of the streets of New York illuminating the bed and Chloe just right, making her look even more beautiful than she normally already looked. Or maybe it was the fact that Beca hadn’t seen her in such a long time.

She knew now. She knew that she wasn’t together with Chicago. And she knew that Chloe liked her. It was weird, finding out about that when she wasn’t actually there to do something or say something. They’d been face-timing when Chloe had suddenly revealed her feeling to her, after Beca kept pushing her to tell her why it hadn’t worked out with Chicago.

Finally, the redhead had just yelled: “Because I’m in love with you, you idiot.”

That had shut her up for sure.

Beca had just stared at her for a little bit, trying to come up with a good answer. She knew what she felt, she was certain of it and she’d been trying to find a way to tell Chloe for a while now. But, just when she was about to respond, the redhead had interrupted her.

“Chloe I-“

“I know. But not right now. It’s too much.”

She’d understood. It was too much. They weren’t in the same place, and Chloe’s relationship had just ended. She needed to focus on school.

The timing couldn’t be worse.

Still, she couldn’t stop herself from reaching out and finally tucking that stray strand of hair behind Chloe’s ear, like she’d been wanting to do for the last couple of months, her finger lingering longer than necessary.

She quickly undressed herself and changed into an old Bella shirt that she still had at her old apartment before slipping under the covers to face Chloe, who was still breathing deeply and calmly.

“Chlo.” She said, reaching out to stroke soft patterns on the woman’s hand that was laying on top off the covers.

“Chloe.” Beca tried again, a little louder this time.

It finally worked. Chloe stirred in her sleep.

“Becs, did I forget to turn my phone off again?” She asked, still not opening her eyes.

 Beca smiled, but didn’t say anything. She couldn’t believe Chloe still didn’t realize this was actually happening.

The redhead started patting the pillow where Beca was currently laying, clearly looking for her phone, until her hand suddenly found Beca’s, making her squeal and almost fall out of the bed.

“What the-“

“Chloe, it’s me.” Beca said, reaching out for the other woman.

Chloe’s eyes widened instantly. “What are you doing here?”

Before Beca even had time to answer, the redhead wrapped her arms tightly around her, hugging her like she hadn’t seen her in years. Although, Beca had to admit, that’s what it felt like.

“I was in Philadelphia today.” Beca explained, her arms still wound tightly around the other girl’s neck.

“So you-“

“I drove her after my performance. I just- I had to see you.”

Chloe pulled back then, Beca now noticing the tears on her face. She reached out and wiped them away, making Chloe smile softly at her.

“I can’t believe you’re here. I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you too, Chlo.”

The redhead nodded and smiled once more, before gesturing to Beca to turn around while she slid back under the covers herself. The brunette immediately did as she was told, chuckling when Chloe pulled her flush against her, Beca’s back now pressed up against the redhead’s front.

“I thought we agreed that if we ever did this I would be the big spoon.”

Chloe laughed softly, pressing a small kiss to Beca’s neck. It was daring, but they both didn’t care right now. “I never agreed to such a thing; we both know you’re definitely the little spoon.”

She rolled her eyes, even though she knew Chloe couldn’t see it. “Fine, but only for tonight.”

“Do you want to talk?” Chloe asked, but once again, she was too tired.

“Sleep now. Talk tomorrow.”

Chloe nodded, Beca feeling the movement behind her. “That sounds good. Goodnight Beca.”

“Goodnight Chloe.”

The next time it happened she was in Boston.

Boston was a four-hour drive and probably too long but her show had ended early that day, plus it was a Saturday so Chloe had the next day off. She also wouldn’t have to travel again until Monday, meaning they would actually get to spend some time together, which was more than she could ever hope for.

This time, she did text her.

I’m in Boston tomorrow

 I know. I looked up your schedule

It’s only four hours

Yeah

Do you want me to come?

Do you want to?

Yes

Good. Me too

I won’t have to be back until Monday.. would you like to spend Sunday together as well??

Beca.. there’s nothing I want more. (well, unless it’s an unlimited amount of days, but I’ll take what I can get)

One day, Chloe.

They had spent two nights and one entire day together, and it was more than enough to convince Beca that once this tour was over, she was going to have to do everything to make sure that they would never have to spend another night apart.

“I want to kiss you.” Chloe had said to her on the second night, laying face to face and staring at each other, tired but not wanting to go to sleep. Because sleeping meant that it would be Monday and Beca would have to catch a flight to Austin and then they wouldn’t see each other again for at least a few months, as she was going to be touring in the south and then back to the west coast for a little bit.

“Me too.” Beca responded, smiling for a second but then letting it fade just as fast. “But we can’t.”

“Why?” Chloe asked, her fingers stroking Beca’s face and hair.

“Because then I’ll never be able to leave.”

“Then don’t.”

“Chloe.” She warned.

“I know. I’m sorry. I know that’s selfish of me.. I just- I feel like timing is never on our side. There was Tom and then Jesse and Chicago and now that we’re both single you’re not even here and I just.. it’s hard.”

“I know. It’s hard for me too. Which is exactly why I want to wait. I don’t want to make this harder for us. In a few months this will all be over and then I’ll have a steady job and can work on my music without having to travel much and then I’ll come home to you every night.”

Chloe smiled softly, a small tear rolling down her cheek. “You promise?”

“I promise.”

Just like Beca had thought, they didn’t see each other until three months later.

They’d taken a small break from their tour in L.A after traveling through the South and West before making their final couple of stops in the East coast before finishing.

They were in Washington DC, and Beca was finally going to be able to see Chloe again. They would FaceTime at least three days a week, Chloe knowing all too well Beca barely slept without her, but it wasn’t the same as actually being with each other. Now that Beca knew how good it felt to have Chloe wrapped around her, she never wanted anything else.

She was exhausted. Today was a long day, and she knew she wouldn’t make it to their apartment until 2am. She probably shouldn’t even go, because her flight was leaving at noon, meaning she would have to get up again around 6 and leave right away, but there was no way she was backing out now. Someone else was driving her (she had those things now, drivers and stuff) so hopefully, she could get some sleep on the way there.

“Chloe.” She said quietly, dropping her coat and clothes on the floor, not even bothering to properly clean up the mess she’d already made before stumbling over to the bed. She couldn’t even make it to the other side, instead opting to slide in behind her, spooning the other woman for once. Chloe stirred in her arms.

“You’re cold.”

“Sorry.”

“What time is it?”

“Late. You should go back to sleep.”

“Then why did you come at all?” Chloe asked, as if that wasn’t clear.

“I told you. I needed to see you.”

Something was wrong. She could tell by the way Chloe was tense in her arms, and refused to turn around to look at her.

“What’s wrong?” She asked, but the other woman just shook her head.

“Nothing. Just go to sleep Beca.”

She didn’t want to. She wanted to talk. She wanted to ask Chloe what was really wrong. She wanted to ask her why she could feel her softly crying and shaking in her arms. But she couldn’t. She was tired, too tired, and her body betrayed her and dragged her into a deep sleep.

Things were different after that night.

They were losing patience, feeling as if they were standing still too long; two strangers on different platforms trying to get on the same train.

She wasn’t sure when she’d be home. Their tour had already been extended, and she didn’t want to make Chloe promises she couldn’t keep.

It was different for her, she was doing all these things and seeing all these parts of the country she’d never seen before. Time went by fast for her, living her life while she slowly made her way back to the other woman. But Chloe was still stuck in that same apartment doing the same things every day and having to stare at an empty pillow - Beca’s empty pillow - every night.

It made it harder, and she knew that.

Chloe was just waiting for her.

And she was getting tired of it.  

One month and 10 days later

She can’t believe it.

She’s performing in New York tonight. Her last performance. Her last day of the tour.

She’s exactly 25 minutes from Chloe’s apartment.

But that’s not where she’s sleeping tonight, and neither is Chloe, although she doesn’t know that yet.

In fact, she doesn’t know about a lot of things that are happening tonight.

Beca has been planning this for a little over a month, ever since she realized that she was going to have her final performance on this day, in this venue. She’s been planning the other stuff for much longer, basically ever since Boston.

Chloe is going to be picked up from work by Amy and Aubrey tonight, who will be taking her to a pre-party with all the other Bellas, who will then have their own little reunion party before they make their way over towards the venue, where they will watch Beca perform with DJ Khaled, as well as a dozen other performers, who have all come out to celebrate this last evening with them.

Beca will even be singing a duet with Justin Timberlake, something she just heard about not two weeks ago. How crazy is that?

Their tour was a huge success, bigger than they had ever thought it would be, and Beca had her friends to thank for this. So inviting them as VIP guests was really the least she could go.

And then, after the show, Beca was going to take Chloe somewhere else, as a special surprise.

As nervous as she was about the show, she was definitely more nervous about that. Although she was pretty sure Chloe was going to take it well.

She has had eyes on her friends - or well.. mostly Chloe - during the entirety of her performance. She just can’t believe they’re all here. She knows she doesn’t tell them often enough but she really does love these girls. She would have never gotten where she is without them.

She hugged them all after, happy to see them and unable to stop the small tears from forming in her eyes, something Amy and Aubrey definitely teased her with way too many times.

Beca hugged Chloe the longest of all, pulling the redhead flush against her. “Did you like it?”

“Beca, I loved it! You’re amazing!”

She beamed at her as she pulled back, then turned around to face her other friends. It was weird, them all being here, about a year and a half after the end of the USO tour. It felt like nothing and everything had changed at the same time.

Maybe it was because they would always be the same people to each other. They would always be there, right by each other’s side no matter which direction they went in. Beca was famous now, yet her friends still treated her the same and made sure not to make too big of a deal out of this. She found comfort in this, them being the same old predictable friends. She was sure they’d tease her later about something, and she hoped they would too. It was part of what they did.

“Thanks for coming, guys.” She said honestly, earning her a smile from Aubrey. Those were still rare too.

“You’re welcome, Beca.”

“Yeah, we wouldn’t have missed it for the world short stack.” Amy agreed, punching her shoulder playfully.

“Are we all still on for..?” She asked, immediately interrupted by CR.

“Hell yes, we are. You know I need a break from my job.” Cynthia Rose said, and Flo nodded as well.

“What’s happening?” Chloe asked, and Beca’s heart skipped a beat. She’d forgotten that Chloe wasn’t aware of what was happening tomorrow, or the couple of days after that.

“Nothing. Just dinner tomorrow.” She tried to play it off, although she was pretty sure the other woman could tell something was off.

“Well,” Emily said, “I’d love to stay and talk a bit more, but I’m sure we’ll all catch up at … dinner tomorrow.”

The others nodded as well, quickly saying their goodbye’s before leaving Chloe and Beca alone.

“Are you going to tell me what’s happening?” The redhead asked as Beca reached for her hand, not wanting to waste another second without touching the other woman.

“Not yet.” Beca said, a soft smile tugging on her lips.

“I thought your publicist told you to be careful with this stuff.” Chloe held up their joined hands, causing Beca to shrug as she just squeezed the older girl’s hand.

“I also told him I don’t really care. Come on, let’s get out of here before they make me give interviews.”

The redhead nodded, following Beca outside to where a car was already waiting for them.

“You ready to go home?”

“I’ve never been more ready.” Chloe said, leaning her head on Beca’s shoulder and letting her eyes fall closed.

“Chlo. Chloe, we’re here.” Beca whispered, her hand softly stroking the tired girl’s hair as she tried to wake her.

“Sorry.” Chloe mumbled in response, “I guess I was tired.”

“It’s okay.”

Beca got out the car first, then held out her hand for Chloe to take as she helped her out as well. As soon as they were on the sidewalk, the redhead frowned. “We’re not in Brooklyn.”

Beca laughed, then shook her head. “No, we’re not. We’re still in Manhattan.”

“Why?” The redhead asked and she frowned slightly, clearly confused.

“Just.. come with me, okay?”

Beca reached for her hand again as she made her way over towards a large building.

“Bec,” Chloe tried, pulling on her hand as she tried to stop her, “I don’t think we can just walk in there.”

“Chloe. Trust me, please.”

The redhead finally stopped arguing and let herself be guided over towards the building. She looked around herself, feeling out of place even in her beautiful dress. This place was high end for sure, and she wondered what they were doing here.

“Ms. Mitchell?” She was snapped out of her thoughts as she watched Beca interact with an employee of the building, talking to him in a hushed tone before he handed something over and mentioned something about everything being in place, as far as she could tell. Beca then turned back towards her, and for the first time, Chloe noticed that she looked nervous. How could she have been calm the entire evening, even when performing with Justin Timberlake, but now she was nervous? What was going on? She decided not to ask, knowing Beca didn’t want her to right now.

“You ready?” The brunette asked as they made their way over towards an elevator, swiping a card before pressing one of the numbers.

“Uh.. yes?” She answered, although not sounding totally convinced. “This is a really nice hotel Beca. It uh- it looks expensive.”

The brunette turned to her and smiled, but didn’t answer until the elevator door binged and opened up to reveal a beautiful penthouse, with open windows overlooking most of Manhattan, including Central park.

“It’s not a hotel, Chlo.”

Instantly, Chloe froze, turning around to face Beca who was still standing close to the elevator.

“I’m sorry, what?”

The brunette smiled once more, clearly finding Chloe’s confusion amusing, before pointing at a wall, as well as a small dresser next to the large couch.

“Oh my god. Beca- what is going on?” Chloe walked closer to the wall, her eyes now landing on the pictures that were framed on it. Pictures she knew all to well.There was her and Aubrey, from when they had first became friends in their freshman year of college, all the Bellas, Chloe with her family, Beca on tour, as well as a few cute pictures of Beca and Chloe together.

Beca watched, crossing her arms as she let Chloe discover the place.

“I’m serious Bec,” Chloe said, now staring at the cabinet that held their Bella prizes. “What is this?”

The brunette let out a deep breath, before grabbing Chloe’s hand and guiding her further into the apartment, towards what Chloe soon realized was the bedroom. There, on top of the luxurious king-sized bed were their old pillowcases as well as Chloe’s favorite stuffed animal that she’d had ever since she was a baby.

Beca leaned against the door, watching as Chloe lowered herself down onto the comfortable bed and grabbed the animal.

“This is ours.” Is all she explained then. “I mean, if you like it. Because I’m sure I can get another one I just- this one is close to the park and your school so I thought it’d be best and I already made sure everything is safe and stuff so we-“

“Beca!” Chloe interrupted, her eyes wide as she quickly walked back over towards the brunette, grabbing her hands and forcing her to focus on her. “You need to tell me what’s going on now! Seriously.”

“Right.” She finally seemed to understand that she wasn’t making a lot of sense right now. “So.. a while ago I realized that once this tour was over I wanted something else, something steady. Preferably with you there. I also knew that going back to that Brooklyn apartment wasn’t going to be ideal, but I wasn’t sure what else to do. So, when Theo offered me a job as a producer at their New York location, alongside with a great deal for a place like this, I just couldn’t say no. So, I’ve been arranging this for the last two months probably, and while you were out today Emily and Jessica helped move some of your stuff, to make it look homier to you. I’m not- you know, you don’t have to say yes. But I want to do this. You and me, I mean.”

Chloe’s vision was clouded by tears, but that didn’t stop her from smiling widely. “Are you asking me to be your girlfriend, Beca?”

She grinned back at her. “I’m asking you to move in with me, and yeah, I uh- I mean, you being my girlfriend would probably come with that, unless you just want to be friends first, which I would understand-“

Beca was cut off by Chloe’s lips against hers. The redhead deepened the kiss almost instantly, letting her tongue stroke against Beca’s for a few minutes before she pulled back.

There was time for that later. Right now, they needed to talk. And she needed more information about all of this.

“So.. you like it?”

“Beca, this is- I mean, I don’t even know what to say. Are you sure you want this?”

“Me?”

“Yeah. I mean, I don’t want you to do this just for me, I know L.A has always been your dream and stuff.”

Beca quickly leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to Chloe’s lips.

“Chlo, while I love you for saying that, I need you to know that I really do want this. Being in L.A meant that I’d have to do more singing and performing, and that’s not where my heart is. I want to produce, make my own mixes. And I want you to be there when I get home. I want to walk in and make dinner for you and cuddle with you while we talk about our day and then I want to go to sleep and wake up to you and do it again and again and again.”

Chloe smiled, then ducked her head down, blushing slightly. “I can’t believe you just said all of that.”

“I know, me either. But I’ve been practicing for a while.”

They stared at each other for a minute, before Chloe finally got up and started to walk out of the bedroom. “So, is it okay if I check out our new place?”

Beca nodded. “Yeah, definitely. Also, I have one final surprise, if that’s okay.”

“There’s more?”

“Just this one last thing.”

Chloe nodded enthusiastically, clearly excited to hear the last part of her surprise.

“So, remember when me and the other Bellas were talking about dinner tomorrow?”

“Mmm-hmm.” Chloe said, remembering the confusing conversation from before.

“Well, actually, I arranged for us all to go to a private beach house in the Hamptons for a week. I booked it and everything. Everyone got off of work, and I knew you’d have time off from school so… you wanna go?”

Chloe didn’t even answer, she just jumped into Beca’s arms and hugged her as tight as possible. “I don’t deserve any of this.” She said, pressing a kiss to her girlfriend’s neck.

“You do though, Chlo. You’ve been so patient with me, throughout all these years, and I cannot thank you enough for always being there for me, even when you thought it was hopeless. I want to give you everything you deserve. I know you’ve missed your friends, and they’ve missed you too. This was really the least I could do.”

Another tear rolled down Chloe’s cheeks as she opened her eyes to look at her new - extremely large - apartment. She couldn’t believe this was all happening. Beca was here, in her arms, and she as going to stay with her. They had a place of their own, and not just any. It was the most beautiful apartment she had ever seen, and she would get to share it with the most beautiful girl she knows.

“When are we leaving?” She decided to ask, not quite sure what else to say.

“Tomorrow around noon. I wanted us both to sleep in a bit. I think we deserve a break.”

Chloe smiled. “I know sleep is important and all, but are you still going to allow me to thank you for all of this tonight?” She winked at the other woman then, slowly letting her fingers fall from Beca’s face down to her collarbone and to the top of her shirt. “I’ve been thinking about this for a while.”

Beca swallowed hard, and then started to push on Chloe’s waist, slowly guiding her back to their bedroom. “I mean, I suppose that would be okay. After all, we’ve been doing too much actual sleeping around each other lately. It might be time for something else.”

“I couldn’t agree more.”

#bechloe #bechloe fanfic #bechloe fic #beca mitchell #Chloe beale #pitch perfect #bechloe fanfiction #bechloe au #prompt #replies

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megbox · 5 years

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2018 Year In Review

Previous Posts: (2017) (2016) (2015) (2014) (2013) (2012) (2011)

2018 has not been a banner year for self care. It has not been a banner year for much of anything, to be honest. This year in review will be much less colourful and exciting than they traditionally tend to be. It has been a year of hard work, stress, and feeling the pressure of the less-fun parts of adulthood creeping up on me. It has been really hard, to be totally honest. I have spent the majority of the year in a deep state of exhaustion and distress. There are positives within it all, though. Big positives, such as:

I went on my longest trip ever away from home.

I have developed so much in the professional sense and have fallen so deeply in love with social work and my future career path.

I have made new friends who reflect these changing influences in my life, and the enduring friendships that have survived all of these years continue to strengthen and deepen as time goes on.

January:

Tell me - why does January always suck? 2018 began with an opening double shift on New Year’s Day, which I feel is strongly symbolic of the year as a whole because you have an exhausted Megan struggling to responsibly balance my professional responsibilities, self-care, and partying. On January 3rd, Alex and I booked our flights to Asia and in doing so, solidified that we were going through with a plan made drunkenly over the table last summer at a karaoke bar.

I did get to spend an awesome ski weekend with Alesta, Sydney x 2, and Shelby. It was especially nice because this particular group of people had never spent time all together - we were just united by being a group of girls who love to ski. We hit Lake Louise on Saturday, stayed overnight at a hostel in Banff, and Alesta and I hit Sunshine on Sunday. In Banff, we got a free jug of sangria because we are cute girls. We went to High Rollers and Sydney was drinking IPAs and porters like a pro. I went alone (like... what? Who am I? How drunk was I?) to Dancing Sasquatch after and made friends with some Nova Scotians in line. One of them paid for my cover and bought me not one but two of those infamous Time Machine drinks and extra bonus - Alesta and I got FREE lift passes at Sunshine.

At the end of the month, my mental health took a sharp nosedive into oblivion and I don’t even really know why. I started experiencing a violent resurgence of something I haven’t felt since the end of the 12th grade, having what I now recognize as panic attacks. The first one came when I was studying on a Sunday at Higher Ground and I had no idea what the fuck was happening, I’d been there for several hours when I suddenly felt the urge to throw up. I packed up all my shit and burst out the door literally gasping for air but ended up being fine. Just shaky and confused. They started happening more frequently after this, with no predictable trigger, and I started to feel the physical manifestations of stress. That was new and it freaked me out. This lent itself to a lot of strange patterns around eating (since I was constantly feeling nauseous, or I thought I was, I didn’t want to have a full stomach. I also thought I had a food intolerance, and because I’m me was 100% convinced I was pregnant because the stress caused me to miss my period).

February

Things started to get so bad in February that I had to plead my manager at Famoso for less hours. He was an idiot in general but also did not seem to grasp the severity of what I told him. He would frequently schedule me for these long swing swifts all weekend long, leaving no time or energy for the mountains of homework I had to do. It did not help.

February was especially busy with school. That’ll be a recurring theme throughout this year. It could honestly be a summary of this entire year - so I’ll spare you the details. But five courses at the University of Calgary is no joke.

I never needed reading week so badly in my entire life. I was beyond happy to just be able to take a long weekend and not be at Famoso. Shelby arranged for a giant group of her friends to spend the weekend at her friend Sawyer’s massive, absolutely beautiful cabin in Invermere. I got to spend some quality time with two of my favourite people on the planet - Emma and Sydney. From the minute we got into Emma’s car together, to having ciders at the Emerald Lake Lodge on the way, to eating A&W and sharing a bed and “she gon’ fuck the fridge.” Sydney and I spent one afternoon on homework while everyone else went skiing and I was with her when she got the news that she’d won this massive grant and we celebrated by sitting in this magical massage chair and just loving life. We played Drink, Talk, Learn! And I gave a drunken presentation on the history and etiology of pugs. Emma and I went skating on Lake Windermere to cure our hangovers on Sunday. A keg and a bonfire were involved. It was so Canadian, honestly LOL. And so perfect.

March

Although I was still struggling with this weird panic-nausea cycle, it lessened through March as more and more assignments were completed. I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel, to use a cliche. I gave three presentations in a week, I remember that being particularly awful.

I attempted Mellow March for the second time and once again failed. Mildly concerning. I caved on a Wednesday wing night with the Famoso friends. It was 27 days in. So close, so close. 2019 will be my year!

I started getting really into podcasts at this time because I started commuting using public transit. I got really into Guys We Fucked (which I still love), and This Is Actually Happening. TIAH is kind of fucked up though, and after a while it started to fuck me up. I would have weird dreams about the content and I started becoming paranoid that there was something wrong/extraordinary about me. So I stopped. I guess that is something I have learned about myself this year, is that even when it’s not overt, I am really deeply effected by some of the things I learn. Typically, people of this nature do not excel in the field of social work so allow me to flag this as a place for improvement in the future.

I ran the 5km at the St. Patrick’s Day road race, which was awesome and I won the draw that everyone was entered in and got a FREE pair of these super nice, hot pink New Balance running shoes that I now cherish with my life.

I had my first round of practicum interviews, which only ended up being one interview because I was offered the placement at CommunityWise before I could interview anywhere else. This is one of the best things to happen the whole year :)

And a special moment for me as well was on March 31, I got to see Alvvays live.

April

In April, I finished hell semester and immediately jetted off to Thailand.

From the get go, the trip was a bit of a shit show. This was my second time to Asia, and my first experience with really planning a trip including flights, hostels, and transportation from place to place without the aid of a tour guide or travel company. We had a time even getting to Bangkok due to an untimely snow storm the day of our departure that forced our flight to Vancouver to be late and causing us to miss our connecting flight to China. After two hours in line at the Air Canada desk, an agent produced a new itinerary for us. Calgary to Los Angeles to Hong Kong to Bangkok. He printed the sheets out and when I looked at the times on the paper, the mental math wasn’t adding up. With me, the mental math never really adds up but this time it seemed impossible that we could leave so much later than planned for our trip and arrive in Bangkok only three hours later than we were supposed to. I brought this up with him and he assured me it was fine. I wasn’t satisfied though, and asked a bunch of other airport personnel the same question. They all said we were fine but lo and behold, we land in Hong Kong and are waiting for the Thai Airlines desk to open so we can retrieve the tickets for the last leg of the journey when the agent there tells us, “They put you on the flight that left yesterday.” Anger and distress ensues. I call Air Canada from the airport in Hong Kong and the call drops. I’m straight up crying on the floor at this point. But in the end – we fucking made it.

In Bangkok, I was welcomed back to the stifling heat and humidity of Asia. We met American doctors-to-be who were at the end of their trip and were totally sick of one another and were very happy to have company. We ate massaman curry for every meal, partied on Khao San Road (those nitrous balloons!!! God, they’re so fun!!), and spent a lot of money on a single cocktail just for a photo op at the top of a skyscraper but the sunset was perfect and it was totally worth it.

In Chiang Mai we drank Sangsom and Coca-Cola by the pool and ate street food out of Styrofoam containers. We met these Americans who were teaching English in Chiang Mai and they took us to a night club on the back of their motorbikes. I did a drug I said I’ve never do in one of the bathrooms at this night club and ended up going home with one of the aforementioned teachers. It was funny to me because at about 3:00pm, Alex and I went back to our hostel to change and get ready for the evening and at that point I said, “I think I’m going to end up hooking up with Cory.” I fucking knew. I KNEW.

In Pai, I had the DIRTIEST hostel experience of my life. I was showering… just fully naked and vulnerable in this nasty ass shower when I saw a bug I did not recognize from my sheltered upbringing crawl out of a hole in the wall. I have never felt more small. It was also 43 degrees and we were staying in a tiny hut with a plug-in fan that only worked half the time and somehow had the effect of making the room hotter? Pai was also the first time we rented motorbikes. It’s honestly so dangerous… like, what the fuck, Thailand. We experienced our first flash rainstorm. We went to a place called Sunset Bar and took mushroom shakes and holy shit I’ve never experienced more potent mushrooms in my entire life. We met our Irish friends who we’d later see in Koh Pha Ngan, and I slept with an Israeli soldier on our second-to-last night and I’m almost 100% certain I took his virginity.

Koh Pha Ngan was alllll thunderstorms. We also decided to splurge a bit on food on this island and gorged ourselves with seafood and lavender Moscow mules at this nice restaurant down the road from our hostel. We partied so hard. We went to the pre-parties for the Full Moon – they have the Waterfall party two nights before, and the Jungle party the night before. I had sex with a total stranger at the Waterfall party up against a rock (when I recounted this story to Steven upon returning home he put on a redneck accent and said, “C’mon baby let me take you down to the fuck rock” and now that’s all I hear when I think about this experience in my head). The Full Moon Party was fun but not AS fun as the pre parties. It wasn’t as wild and the beach is so big but everyone concentrates in one little area. I took some kind of mystery pill (as you can see, I was very safe in Thailand) and had yet another sexual experience with a casual partner. I also witnessed a fight in the taxi back because one girl called another girl a stripper. It was bad.

May

Continuing on with our Asia trip.

We landed in Krabi and intended fully to chill out a little bit after the wildness of Koh Pha Ngan. The first night was chill, we were staying in the Muslim quarter of the Krabi area so there weren’t a ton of nightclubs to go to and the hostel had some kind of run-in with police and weren’t able to take us out on the pub crawl we signed up for (lame). We had a roommate from Vancouver on the second day who bought a bunch of Xanax from a Thai pharmacy and gave me one. I can never do it again because it was so. good. But of course, I took one pill and stopped drinking just in case. This bitch continued drinking and took six or seven Xanax throughout the night. I honestly don’t know how she lived. We went rock climbing and drank beers on a boat tour one day and it was soooo great. We had the hottest tour guide. I did a hike by my lonesome that I nearly died on.

On the ferry ride from Krabi to Koh Phi Phi is where I got the sunburn that will likely give me skin cancer in later life and kill me. 90 minutes on the outside deck of a ferry (because I felt nauseous as fuck and didn’t want to vom in the cabin) absolutely fucked. me. up. We stayed at another pretty fucking gross hostel in Koh Phi Phi, and my roommates were all male which was a new experience for me. I went on a solo booze cruise cause Alex was sick. We took mushrooms again with our Canadian friend Kelsey and god, I was laughing so hard I was crying and I could not stop. I was like rolling around in the sand laughing so fucking hard about Fisherman’s Friends candy. It was so blissful. So pure.

And then… the sickness. This is going to be TMI but… fuck it. A bit of indigestion and stomach trouble is expected whenever a white person enters Asia. Different microbes etc. etc. But this… this was on a new fucking level. I knew something was up because on the morning that we woke up to take our ferry from Koh Phi Phi to Phuket, I vomited. And I never vomit, and I wasn’t that hungover (especially in relation to much of the rest of the trip). I felt okay afterwards though so we soldiered on. Three hour ferry ride, totally fine. We board our bus that will take us from the ferry port in Phuket to our hotel and about halfway through this bus ride, I feel it. I am wearing overalls. My heart starts beating loudly in my chest, sweat begins to bead on my forehead. Holy fuck, I am going to shit my pants. I clench until we get to the hostel – which is, of course, the last stop. It’s like a solid 45 minutes of pain. My stomach is ROILING. I have never felt anything like it.

I honestly know nothing about Phuket because I spent the entire 72 hours we were there running from my bunk bed to the bathroom. I would go so far as to say every ten minutes. At one point, I just brought my laptop into the washroom with me and watched Netflix for a few hours. A roommate who was with us switched rooms (understandably… I’m sorry, Helen). I didn’t eat for four days, literally not a fucking thing. Just Gatorade and water so that I didn’t die of dehydration. Because we had an airplane to catch and I needed to not be shitting the contents of my body out, I saw a doctor. He prescribed me like five different medications and told me just to take like eight of these pills and to expect stomach pain but it would at least get me through the flight to Seoul and hopefully home.

It worked, and we spent the last few days of our trip in Seoul. What an absolutely fascinating and beautiful part of the world. With Kieun as our guide, we got to see the best parts of Seoul. People took photos with us and gave us free shit. I had the absolute best meal of my life (it was the first thing I’d eaten in like four days… I really risked it all with the Korean barbecue honestly…). All-you-can-eat thick fatty slices of pork belly, grilled in front of us and dipped in sesame oil and salt with garlic and spices. Spicy chicken feet on the side, corn with cheese. It was wild. I cannot believe I stomached it.

And on May 12th, we returned home back to our lives and school and work and all of that boring ass shit. I remained ill for a solid six weeks upon returning home. To a lesser degree, I still have not fully recovered. At this point, I am unsure if I ever will. I truly think that second-round Asia gave me skin cancer and permanently altered my gastrointestinal functioning. Worth it? Unsure. But it happened nonetheless.

June

My brother graduated from university and won a very prestigious award and it was very nice to watch him cross the stage and hear a nice speech about his accomplishments (he won so many scholarships that he basically had a free ride to school – I think it’s clear who inherited the brains).

I finished up my spring courses. Can I just say - spring courses are the worst? The two I picked were especially bad. The one about human sexuality was basically Sex Ed 101 which made for an easy A but I was hoping to investigate deeper on a number of topics. And the second one was way too hard for my tiny brain to accommodate and I got the lowest mark I’ve ever gotten on my paper and it brought me down.

I had a very random unexpected night where I slept with a really close friend of mine (like, friends for over a decade) who I used to have a little bit of a crush on in high school. We were very drunk and it was kind of a curiosity-satisfying move that has actually not resulted in a very big change to our relationship at all but I think it’s worth mentioning because younger me would have been stoked. This one’s for you, younger me!

We went to the High River Rodeo and Cabaret – another unexpected move but oh my god it was so fun. Matt, Steven, Amanda and I. You could buy as many beers as you wanted at a time and they were cheap because fuck the AGLC apparently. The rodeo was actually super fun. The cabaret was redneck af and I happened to see my roommate from the hostel in Koh Phi Phi and his buddies there? Although it was not a friendly reunion because I had unknowingly exposed him for cheating on his girlfriend when he was in Phi Phi (which he did. I shared a room with him, and the girl he loudly banged every night until 4am). Two-stepping ensued and I passed out in the car ride home. I have a great photo of Steven from this night next to a bottle of hot sauce. I do not recall why. I will include it below.

July

Okay, I am just going to preface this by saying July was a hot mess.

Myself, Madison, Maeghan, and Cayley were all single and messing around on dating apps so we decided to create Tinder bingo. It’s exactly what it sounds like. The rules were that you could only cross off two things per date (so that you had to go on a minimum of three to win), you got bonus points for going on a Tinder date with the same person someone else had gone out with, and the first to win got their drinks paid for on a night out. So, I went on exactly one Tinder date. Which is something I said I’ve never do and never really saw myself doing but I went for it on this occasion because I think that in this day and age, a Tinder date is an experience everyone should have. So I bit the bullet, and went for a drink with this guy James at the Oak Tree Tavern. And oh... my god? What a terrible experience? LAUGHABLY terrible. His only desired topic of conversation were the nationalities of people I had slept with and in what circumstances. At one point he asked me, “when was the last time you had sex? Was it good?” He also talked at maximum volume and I guarantee you everyone else at that bar overheard our conversation. Midway through the date, he asked for a review of how he was doing and I told him he seemed a bit nervous. This angered him. He said, “I’M NOT NERVOUS” and I was like, “you asked, buddy.” He asked me if I would pay for him. Cayley literally had to come rescue me and I ran out of his car where he had unbuttoned his pants and had his dick out and was literally on the verge of tears begging me to touch it so hard. I literally bolted out of his car and he yelled out the window, “CALL ME!” He still hits me up on instagram sometimes. I hope his life gets better.

I also moved again. This is my favourite living situation I’ve ever had. Great roommates who are almost never home. Cute house. Good location. A+ choice by me.

I got really obsessed with the Thai cave rescue. It was just such a compelling and unique STORY and I would literally come home from work and refresh the BBC live update feed for hours until I fell asleep, then I’d wake up and refresh hoping for good news. I cannot wait for the movie. I will go opening day. #Obsessions

Stampede!!! Oh my god, what a wonderful Stampede. The most memorable thing is that Steven and I went to the standing rodeo one afternoon and got absolutely. fucking. hammered. Whilst there, we met and befriended two Australian retirees named Lyn and Ken. They are rich and are obsessed with horseriding and rodeo stuff. They purchased many drinks for us and we convinced them to come to Nashville North with us, where they purchased MORE drinks for us and Steven attempted to show them how to two-step. They later invited me to go horseback riding in Banff and I accepted. They literally picked me up, drove me to Banff, we crushed two bottles of wine at the Park gin distillery, went on a three-hour horseback ride through the mountains, they drove me home and I paid for NONE OF IT. It was........ a day. I sat on my bed later and thought to myself, “that was fucking weird.” But now, if I ever go to Melbourne, I will hit them up.

It was Ali’s birthday and we went camping in Waiparous. We took mushrooms on Saturday and just as they were beginning to fully kick in, the RCMP rolled in and kicked us out of our campsite. What a wild time to be faced with an interaction with the cops. Also - no one could drive except for two people who had stayed sober and they had to shuttle us to a new campsite. Have you ever tried setting up a tent on mushrooms? Do you know how difficult and hilarious it is?

And lastly at the end of July, I went to Folk Fest. I saw Alvvays again. Front row! Like, against the barrier front row. It was awesome. It was folk fest that inspired me to cut my hair and get bangs again. No regrets. I love my bangs. I also experienced a level of street harassment that I didn’t know was possible from some random, innocent-seeming guy. It was terrifying. I called the police. No bueno.

August

In August, I got promoted at my job and basically became a baby manager. It was better in theory than in practice because my shifts got longer, I made less in tips (but more hourly), and the cash out for a restaurant is a long and frustrating process that depends on a lot of small pieces working together correctly in a big ass spreadsheet and I suck at math.

In happier news – August was also the establishment of podcast club. Podcast club is one of the best and dorkiest things I have ever been involved with. We pick a podcast each week to listen to, and get together on Sunday mornings at 10:00am to discuss the contents of the podcast. It was initially open to whomever wanted to come but has since whittled down to a core group and at this point, we’re all so close that it would almost be weird to introduce a new person into the mix. There is Kendal, who I go to school with and who started the whole club. Her boyfriend, Mitch. Lachlan and Maddy who are siblings. Matt, a YouTuber who was kind of a wildcard. Chad, also kind of a wildcard but who works as a youth counsellor – and me! Podcast club has made my life infinitely better and is probably the best thing to come out of 2018, in all honesty.

I also got obsessed with Harry Potter and read like almost the whole series and my new at the time roommates thought I was such a loser because I would literally post up on the couch in the living room with a HP book and they would come back five hours later and I hadn’t moved and all I wanted to talk about was Harry Potter.

September / October / November

I am lumping these three months together in this review because truly, they are lumped together in my mind and heart.

On September 11, I started my first practicum at CommunityWise. I really had no idea what to expect when I started there but looking back, I cannot believe how hard I lucked out. The U of C is VERY clinically-based when it comes to how it educates and describes the practice of social work. CW was the opposite of it all and day-to-day so much happens there that it is honestly impossible not to get dragged in at such a deep level that it literally forces you to care. When I was in practicum, I did a lot of reading and I came across this concept of a “disorienting dilemma” which is “an experience within which a current understanding is found to be insufficient or incorrect and the learner struggles with the resulting conflict of views. Such experiences often are those to which learners point as the beginning of the process of questioning their understanding and views and entering the transformative learning process” (Source). Truly, being in that space over the course of 300 hours created this for me. I was forced to confront a lot of racist and otherwise problematic shit that I have been brought up with and that comes up in small ways for me that I try and quash down for the sake of saving face. Poverty, addiction, mental health issues showed up LITERALLY on the doorstep and I was thrown into it all. The experience was a disorienting dilemma and it shook me out of my bubble and I have never fallen so deeply in love with social work. My supervisor and I formed a VERY close relationship that probably broke some ethical and professional boundaries and she was there for me to discuss social issues and experiences I was having in an honest way that really deconstructed things. I had my debit card stolen by a client on one occasion, had to call the DOAP team because I witnessed people in overdose more times than I can count, had to talk many a person down from suicide, befriended a very mentally ill person who suffers from delusions that they are an alien in a human body sent here to observe earth and report back to their master. We had to kick someone out of a workshop for being racist. It was a wild ride, honestly. There were many many positive things to come out of practicum. I built my professional network in ways I never would have been able to, I was able to move out of the “student” realm and step into the role of a social worker and advocate and professional. I did a lot of public speaking! I was out in the community talking to a million different people. I made videos and posters. And the best part of all is that even when my practicum ended, my connection to CW did not. They have hired me on as a digital storytelling intern (paid!) for the new year. Which is a major confidence boost and I just love CW and everyone there so much. I will literally be forever grateful to them for taking me under their collective wing and showing me I have the skills and abilities to be an effective social worker :)

Ahem. Now on to some not-so-good things...

The end of October was kind of difficult because I was attempting to manage practicum responsibilities, actual class projects and homework, second-round practicum interviews, and Famoso. I was very stressed out and it was not good, especially because I got a rejection from one interview and didn’t even get an interview at my top choice. I was feeling very sorry for myself and may or may not have cried at my desk at practicum. It all worked out in the end though, and actually I was offered a placement at the first place I interviewed – they just took a while to get back to me. She called me to let me know this while I was on a run and being idiot me, I picked up… panting and gasping for air in Nose Hill Park. She was like, “We’d like to offer you the place… wait, are you okay?”

I would also like to just slide it in here that I slept with my ex in October. Which wasn’t a particularly momentous occasion and was actually kind of funny because it felt so much like a one night stand. I am mostly putting this in here because I don’t think many people know that and I want to see who reads this far.

Along similarish lines – I PUT MYSELF OUT THERE AND ASKED SOMEONE ON A STRAIGHT UP DATE AND GOT REJECTED AND IT WAS HONESTLY SO EMBARASSING AND BRUTAL and it’s okay now but oh… my god. This also happened around the same time as the rejections from practicum placements and I had such a bad night where I got drunk on my couch alone and Cayley brought me burnt ends from her new job at a brewery because she was #concerned for me and I didn’t want to be alone. That’s a true friend right there.

December

December is only halfway done - but I feel I can summarize it accurately. It has been a nice, tidy wrap up to the year. A month of podcasts, cleaning my house and my car and my life up, a mysterious knee injury that is really fucking me up, working a lot at Famoso, finishing my practicum and school semester. One thing I am dreading is that my brother’s girlfriend who our family is not particularly fond of will be joining us in Saskatoon this year. But we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

In General

2018 has been very stressful for me. But despite the stress, and sometimes out of it, have come some very nice, beautiful things. I said last year in my post that I wanted to become more deeply involved in my community and in activism and social work and in that way I think I have excelled. I’m in it now, you guys. I feel capable. I feel motivated. I feel CONFIDENT. And I’m fucking excited to see what comes in the future.

I nearly doubled the amount of people I’ve slept with so that’s... a notable thing that happened this year.

It has been nice to feel a return to a sense of belonging with my old high school group of friends. In a way, I feel more united with them than ever. I guess not having a partner that they all hate helps. But also, I think I’ve just been feeling more and more like myself. But to Connor, Steven, Matt, Adam and the assortment of new(er) members that come and go - I am very grateful for you all. It has also been good for my heart and soul to become so close with people from podcast club. It’s actually like... really hard to make new friends. Podcast club made it easy. And I found myself on a Friday night in Maddy and Ben’s apartment, watching cooking shows and teaching them how to play card games, laughing until I cried and drinking wine. And it’s like... who else gets together on EVERY Sunday morning to discuss podcasts? For fun? I know relationships change and dissolve and grow from each year to the next but I just have a deep feeling that some of these friendships are the real deal. And I’m really lucky. It sounds so ~fake deep~ and lame but honestly podcast club is making me a better, happier, less anxious person.

2019:

I think 2019 is going to have to be the year that I really, truly grow the fuck up. I’m not mad about this. I look forward to crushing through 400 more hours of practicum, graduating and getting my degree. Hopefully entering the work force for real (this prospect is honestly so exciting to me... I creep the job boards every day daydreaming about what I might eventually do when I leave the world of waitressing) and making some adult money.

I also like... totally got fat in 2018 so 2019 will involve some activities to counterbalance this. AND I have a ticket to Big Valley Jamboree. Which is hilarious because I think if you asked 2015 Megan what she’d never do, it would be “go to BVJ” but here I am, ticket in hand, excitement mounting by the day. Boots on, bitches.

Some of my goals or things I’d like to work on in 2019 are to become less attached to social media and more invested in the actual moment/doing of things rather than recording them (ironic as I type this MASSIVE year in review post, yes), to get into a healthy and sustainable pattern of exercise where I don’t just like become obsessed with it for a little while and then slowly taper off and then do none of it for like six months... and honestly? I want to download a bunch of those dating apps again and just go for it. I think you can learn so much about yourself through dating and I’ve been such a recluse this year for the most part because I have been sort-of-but-not seeing someone since literally JULY but we’re not actually together and I don’t know what’s going on. I just need to get over my own insecurities and anxiety and just jump in with both feet. It’ll be fun. It’ll be crazy. I’m excited.

The rest of it, as always, is an open book. Who knows where I will be, what I will be doing, or who I will be doing it with by this time next year? Not I.

#text #personal #year in review #2018 #megbox

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nightblogofficialbook · 5 years

Text

Chapter Three

Also available on the Tapas.io Website, search for Night in the Novels tab!

I don’t know when it was I fell asleep but I must have slept for an entire day because it was already morning again. I turned over, my body feeling heavy but not terrible and my mouth dry and sticky. When I opened my eyes, for a moment I didn’t know where I was. This wasn’t my room. This was too big to be my room. None of my things are here either, and mom would have definitely woken me up before this point.

And then my memory returned, much to my severe disappointment.

I sat up, my hair feeling like a nest on my head, and stretched. That strange tugging sensation made itself known and then grew idle. I sat on the bed for a long while, trying to muster the energy to get up. It was then I noticed a piece of paper sitting in front of my door, having been slid under while I slept probably.

The curiosity worked and I got up to get it, remembering that Rose and Co. still wanted to show me around. I unfolded it.

‘Hey Helen! It’s Rose. I figured you were probably still asleep so we didn’t want to bother you. But I wanted to explain to you briefly how this place works on a day-to-day basis, in case we’re not on break when you wake up. During the weekdays we have a course schedule, and yes, just like school :P Since you’ve never experienced any of this before they want us to have you kinda shadow us for all the classes so you can get some experience, and then when it’s all said and done you’ll be able to pick your own schedule. On the other side of this fold will be all of our schedule and times, and a map if you feel like trying to find us. If not, break periods for us are listed too, so you can just wait in the commons until one of us comes to check on you.’

I blinked. ...Class? Like, school classes? I turned the page over like the note said. A chart was drawn really neatly and concise of each girl’s name and their classes, in order by time. I glanced over at the digital clock on the bedside table. Looks like no one will be back until fifteen minutes from now.

Still feeling...off guard, I got up and went to the bathroom to address the state of my hair. I’ve always been kind of a sleep tosser but I guess last night I really thrashed about. Using the tools already in my bathroom I carefully combed the tangles out of my hair and flattened the morning frizz with a straight iron. The kitty cat pajama tank had my shoulder on full display in the mirror, and for the first time in...I guess only a day, it felt like ages, I was able to see to what extend the damage was.

The bite on my neck was all but gone, only a lingering redness now remained from where that guy, Zain, had bit me. I was amazed at how quickly it was healed, especially for how much I bled.

Ugh, blood.

The brief nausea passed, and I examined the next mark: a now-silver welted crescent scar that sat right between my collarbone and shoulder. I traced it for a moment in shock and a little bit of morbid fascination. It still throbbed a bit, but significantly less. This...was the bite that started this. The one that changed my life. I wonder why it was a crescent and not fang marks, like the other had been? It looked more like someone with human teeth had bit me. I looked closer at it, the shape showing irregularities to it. About where the canines would be on a human bite mark, defined a little more than the rest of the shape, were almost definitely two fang-mark scars set within the rest of the scar.

I shuddered. To bite down with a force that strong...I’m really glad I passed out for that. Maybe that was why I passed out.

After changing into some relaxed day clothes that were available to me I went downstairs to the commons, feeling like I’m on some sort of rich-kid summer camp trip. It was quiet but brightly lit from the sunlight pouring through narrow windows down the rounded walls, the outside just starting to reach the afternoon. Feeling awkward I made my way to the kitchenette area and perused through the cabinets and fridge, looking for something to eat. I opted for snacking on some cheese and saltine crackers, since the rest looked like they belonged to someone or required cooking of some kind, and I didn’t feel comfortable doing that just yet.

The door clicked and in walked Claire, who gave a start of pleasant surprise when she spotted me. “Helen! You’re awake!” She closed the door behind her, smiling. “Good morning! You were out a while, you sleep okay?”

“Yeah,” I replied. “I actually felt pretty rested when I woke up, thanks for letting me sleep.”

“Yeah, cool.” She set her bag down and grabbed the box of goldfish cheese crackers I had passed over from the cabinet. “You get Rose’s letter by chance?”

I nodded. “If I understand right, I’ll be attending classes with you guys?”

“Yeah, it’ll just be for a couple of weeks to help you get used to being in the castle, then you’ll be able to decide what you want to do on your own. Cool thing is, nothing is mandatory.” She grinned, sitting down with the box. “You could just decide you don’t want to go to any of them in the end and chill all day.”

“Wha-really? Then why even bother?”

“Well, a lot of it is still really useful to learn, but mostly because of the perk points.”

“Perk points?”

She nodded, taking a handful of crackers and munching them. “Yeah, you get points based on attendance for class and bonus points for how well you do in them. Vampires get them too. They have a catalog for stuff you get in exchange for them, like new clothes or toys or games or extra snacks.” She shook the box of goldfish. “I like to spend mine on these, though I’m saving up the bulk of them for the excursion trip next spring. We’ll take you to go get your card set up and stuff and you’ll be able to look at the point system, but essentially the more valuable or the less ‘healthy,’” she used air quotes with an eye roll, “an item is, the more points it will cost. And vice versa, the more challenging a class is for you, the more points you get for it.”

“That actually sounds really cool,” I said, amazed.

“I know right? From what I hear about how schools are still done on the outside it’s WAY more awesome.” She glanced at her watch. “Alright, we should probably go head out to my next class, after that all of us have the same dancing class so we’ll trade you off after THAT class, and you’ll have just one more for the day with us.”

My head spun a little, not quite following what she said but I got the jist of it. She grabbed her bag and I followed her through the door into the open hallway of the castle. A fresh breeze drifted from the direction Claire was leading me, and almost as suddenly as we had left the dorm we were outside in open air.

The weather felt wonderful, the deep blue sky spotted with slowly drifting, fluffy clouds, blinking the sunlight in and out every now and then. The temperature was warm and comfortable, not at all like the summer heat it had been for the last month. And there were people. Everywhere. Mostly teens my age, but also adults. Children. I think I even saw a few babies. I was amazed, I never realized how big this place might be. It was like a whole village.

I watched the people pass me by as I followed Claire across the giant square courtyard I had observed just yesterday. Some were having a picnic complete with tablecloth, food, and family. Some were, like us, walking towards a destination in mind, and some were just playing games. It was how I always imagined a college campus would look like, all it was missing was the drunk frat boys and dumb shenanigans.

A wonder crossed my mind after we crossed the courtyard and into a different section of the castle. “Where are the vampires?” I asked.

“They’re asleep, they usually keep to a night habit like the myths used to say. But not all of them,” she added as a young guy with red eyes waved as he passed us, flashing a friendly-fanged smile. Claire waved back with a “hey Greg.”

“But for the most part they do vampire classes at night anyway,” she continued as we stepped into a classroom. “And usually in the other half of the castle. It helps keep traffic in the halls down so things don’t ever get overcrowded and stressful, and to keep some from getting too stressed out by the abundance of human smells.”

We sat down at desks and I was surprised about how...normal it was. It was just a math class, same as the one I failed a few days ago, only this teacher seemed pretty enthused. She talked over the coursework with passion, answering any questions that were asked and even re-explained some things in an easier to digest manner. I found I was able to follow along really well despite having to jump in the middle of a learning section.

Claire, on the other hand, looked like she was struggling to keep up, and hard. She was bent over her practice worksheet, looking relaxed but frustrated. I thought about asking her why she was taking the class if it was that hard on her, but then remembered how she explained the points, and her goal. I silently nodded to myself at the ingenious system they have here. It was a good way to motivate everyone to have a goal, and work towards it, but without forcing anyone to overstress about it.

And hour and a half had come and gone since we sat down, and class was dismissed. Claire stretched and groaned as we walked out.

“Man, I am so not good at math,” she said.

“Me neither, but that teacher was really good.”

“I know right? They don’t let anyone teach if they’re not up for the task. Anyway, I forgot about lunch between now and the next class, and…” she suddenly looked as if she was having an epiphany. “Oh yeah lunch! Dude!” She grabbed my shoulders excitedly. “You gotta see the food court they have here!”

My eyes widened and her excitement rubbed off. “They have a food court?”

…

They have a food court.

And it was incredible.

IMMEDIATELY, once I walked to the vicinity of its existence, I was hit by a myriad of delicious freshly cooked food smells. I’m talking bakeries, skillet cooks, sandwich bars, BBQ, breakfast food, lunch, italian, asian, and everything in between. I could hardly believe my eyes. I could hardly believe my nose. It was like there was a food festival going on.

Claire grinned at my expression. “Pretty cool, huh?” she nudged me.

“Claire…” I said, flabbergasted still. “Oh my god. I want to cry.” She laughed and took my hand, taking me to all of the booths and mini restaurant bars. Each one seemed to know her on a personal level, and, as she explained that I was new, free sample after free sample began to fill my tray.

“This is so much food,” I said in amazement.

“Yeah, I’ll be honest, I’m kinda pimping you out,” she admitted sheepishly as we headed for a table. “Normally you’re only allowed up to 2 free servings per mealtime, and any more is a point exchange.”

“Well, it worked,” I said, still incredulous. “Glad to be of help.”

“Helen! Claire! Over here!”

Rose was flagging us down; the twins and Wendy were already seated with her, in addition to a few people I haven’t met yet. We joined them at the table.

“Helen, this is Mike and this is Jason, they’re childhood friends of ours. Guys, this is Helen.”

Mike, who had short black hair and a shallow jawline and fair skin, gave a polite wave. Jason, who was far less reserved with bronzy-blonde hair, brown eyes, and a fairly strong jaw and nose, gave me a friendly lopsided smile and a look of interest.

“Um, hi,” I said nervously, sitting down next to Claire with my huge tray of food.

“Introductions later, it’s food time,” Claire said, excitedly picking out a sample from our haul.

I tasted as much as the food as I could, and shared the rest. Everyone chatted about their day so far and classes they were in and I politely listened, feeling a little happy. No, that’s not right. I was feeling a lot of happy. Everything was bright, and light, and friendly. Everyone was open and relaxed and feeling good. The tension I had been holding in my shoulders released.

And then suddenly something hot and soupy was dumped over the top of my head and into my lap. Claire leapt out of the way to avoid the splash, everyone else jumped in shock. I sat still, trying to process why there was suddenly chicken broth all over me.

“Oops,” spoke girl’s bored voice. Everyone’s eyes widened when they saw who stood behind me. I turned around.

She stood to be roughly my height with dark blonde hair pulled back in a bun, her blue eyes piercing cold and her expression haughty. She very clearly was holding an empty bowl, still over my head. I blinked.

“Sorry,” she said in the most uncaring manner possible. “Sometimes I don’t quite pay attention to where I’m going and things just…” Her eyes grew cold and vicious, reminding very much of Zain’s, and with a jolt I recognized her. “...happen, you see. But, I’m sure YOU, of all people, would understand, wouldn’t you Helen?”

“Hey, look, I-”

“Well,” she interrupted, ignoring me and addressing the entourage of people who were snickering behind her. “I supposed I should try to get more soup. I do hope they understand the little accident.”

“Oh, of course, Lady Victoria!”

“It was an accident after all.”

“I’m sure they’ll understand.”

“You can have mine, M’lady, if they can’t make an exception!”

“Thanks, guys,” she cooed to her little group as they left. “You’re the best.”

I sat there, dumbfounded, as they walked away, and turned back forward.

“...what just happened to me?”

“You got souped apparently,” Claire chimed, to which Rose reprimanded her.

“Don’t worry, we’ll help you get cleaned up, we can skip the next class if we need to,” Rose offered. I shook my head.

“It’s okay, I’ll just go get cleaned up and meet you guys there,” I said, my voice surprisingly normal considering I was drenched.

Claire looked at me in surprise. “You sure?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I have a map, and I’m surprisingly good with directions.�� Except apparently when I’m in a hurry, I thought blandly to myself.

“If you’re certain…” Rose said, uncertain. “The next class is on the same floor, in the east ward across from this one. There’s four doors to enter from so it shouldn’t be hard to find as long as you make it to the right section.”

I thanked her and stood up, saying bye to Mark and Jason. They offered words of encouragement and good luck with cleaning up. Pulling out the map(which miraculously avoided getting souped as well) and going by what I remembered seeing on the way here I traced my way back to the dorms. Everyone I passed stared and muttered to themselves, some with pity, some with wonder. I couldn’t blame them for it, since I’d probably end up doing the same thing, and did my best to ignore it.

After a successful shower and change of clothes, it was now four o’clock, about fifteen minutes past when that class was supposed to start. I made my way across the courtyard to the ward across from the lunch area, now wishing I had eaten maybe just a little bit more and debating on whether I should even show up. The sun was in the second half of the sky, and by now majority of everyone out and about had gone back to wherever their own dorms were. It was crazy how many people actually live here.

I found the four doors Rose was talking about and heard music inside. Confused, I looked at the written schedule she had given. “No…” I opened the door, suddenly remembering with dread a small detail Claire had mentioned before.

Inside was a very large convention-style room, chairs stacked high against the wall. A large amount of people were scattered out in pairs, observing the teacher as he demonstrated what almost looked like a waltz with no partner.

Dancing. Great, just great...my stomach dropped, and as it did the subtle pulling sensation heightened.

The door slammed shut behind me before I could catch it and suddenly all eyes were on me. I flinched, feeling extremely embarrassed. “Sorry…”

“Not at all!” the teacher enthused. “Come in, come in! You must be Miss Morris.”

I sheepishly made my way to the edge of the wall out of the way but still in view, suddenly very aware of the fact that about 50% of the pairs of eyes still on me were red. I swallowed nervously.

“Alright, now I want everyone to try, on my count. Remember, you’re not looking for speed, you’re looking for precision. Make every move count until it becomes second nature. Now, one-two-three, one-two-three…” he flicked a finger in the air and suddenly music was playing.

I watched everyone try the steps, spotting the girls pretty quickly as they were having the most fun. Rose was paired up with Jason from before, Suzanne and Alice had decided to dance with each other -which made their synchronization so perfect it was almost creepy- and Claire was dancing with Wendy. Feet were stepped on, laughter was heard, partners were bumped into, it was an amusing scene. I smiled a little to myself, wishing I could join them.

I let my gaze wander around as the teacher also wandered amongst the dancers, giving form advice and praise as he passed them. I was amazed at how many vampires were here, considering it wasn’t really after dark just yet. Most were paired up with their own kind, but some had paired up with humans, a little to my surprise. And it looked like everyone was having fun.

“Hello Helen,” the teacher’s voice drew my attention to him; he had made his way over to where I stood, quietly addressing me. “May I call you that?” he asked sincerely.

“Sure?” I replied. He was pretty young looking for someone in charge of teaching a class, I would guess maybe super early twenties. His eyes were a deep hazel that seemed to change colors under different light angles, from blue to green to brown, and somehow all of the colors. His skin was fair and soft, his hair a short sandy brown that reminded me of some popular british actor I remember people fawning over. He was pretty attractive for sure, but something was strangely familiar about him.

“Excellent.” He looked relieved. “Allow me to introduce myself; my name is Dmitri. Some of my students call me ‘D’ but whether that be your preference to refer to me is entirely up to you.”

“Thanks, it’s nice to meet you.”

“And likewise you. Now, I understand that you are quite new to the castle, and that today is your first day during your adjustment period, so by all means don’t feel obligated to join right away if you don’t feel comfortable. We have a bit of an odd number currently so there would be no problems if you wish to sit out for now. But, if you do wish to join in, I would have no problems getting you up to speed.”

“U-um, thanks,” I replied, grateful for the extended invitation and surprised at how quickly he seemed to understand. “I think I’ll pass this time around...since there’s an odd number and all.”

He chuckled a little. “Not too fond of dancing?”

I grimaced. “How did you know?”

“I have been teaching dance for quite a while now, I can tell. I imagine you feel your skills are quite inadequate to even attempt the practice.”

“That’s an understatement,” I joked, feeling strangely relaxed around him. “My mom tried to get me into dancing for a while. I accidently broke the instructors foot once.” He laughed softly and I smiled a little. “She politely requested that I try out other hobbies after that.”

He looked outward, observing the dancing pairs in front of us. “Well, I won’t force you if you truly don’t want to dance, but if you ever feel interested, I would gladly be up for the challenge.”

He went back out to address a couple that had fallen over, helping them to their feet and explaining to them what had gone wrong. I smiled a little, feeling a little fuzzy inside, like I just gained a big brother. Dmitri seemed really sweet. The pessimism in my brain made me really hope he didn’t turn out to just have been flirting with an underage girl though. It didn’t seem that way, but...I’ve been wrong about people before.

Suddenly there was a strangely violent tug in the pit of my gut towards a single direction in the room. I looked up in surprise, holding my sides despite the fact that there really wasn’t an obvious origin to this sensation, and stiffened. One couple was dancing through the sea of everyone like wind through trees, effortlessly making every single person in this room look like stumbling baby deer. Their legs moved with practiced elegance, as easy as if it were breathing, their eyes almost bored and in another world. Zain and Victoria.

My stomach clenched with guilt and a twinge of jealousy. They looked good together. Perfect for eachother, I thought bitterly, remembering Zain’s childish aggression and Victoria’s stunt from today. Their skills looked matched, and though they seemed bored in this classroom environment, they looked relaxed. Comfortable.

Zain’s eyes darted my way and I looked down instinctively, my heart pounding for a moment, and then felt bitterness replace my emotions. It should have been her. I shouldn’t have ever been involved. Why did I end up at that clearing? Why did he have to bite me?

I heard a quiet tch! and looked up with just my eyes. The two had slowed to a stop, Zain’s face furrowed in frustration.

“What is it?” I heard Victoria ask, worried.

“It’s nothing,” he responded in a low voice.

Her eyes darted to me and I pretended to be watching the other people.

“Is it her?”

He gave her a small smile and stroked her cheek; a sharp pang hit my chest for a moment. “Don’t worry about it, okay?”

She still looked worried. “Okay.” Her eyes narrowed furiously towards me soon as he looked elsewhere. I pretended not to have noticed but I could feel the daggers emanating from her.

“Alright, I think that’ll wrap things up today!” Dmitri called out, clapping his hands. The music fades out and everyone gathered up any bags and things they had brought. He waved his hands and suddenly all of the chairs stacked against the walls unstacked and arranged themselves in the space everyone was just occupying. “Next class we’ll do a few more practice motions, and then try out partner changes. I look forward to seeing you all again.”

“Helen!”

The girls and Jason came over to me excitedly. The fact that I just saw legit magic fell to the back of my mind as I smiled a little at them.

“You made it!” Rose exclaimed. “We saw you talking to Dmitri, what did you think?”

“Dancing...really isn’t my thing,” I admitted carefully. “I’ve never been very good with the whole foot-body coordination thing.”

“She actually meant about D,” Claire snickered.

“I was talking about the class too,” Rose blushed slightly.

I thought for a moment. “He seems...pretty nice I guess. I mean, I just met him, at least I’ve gotten to know you guys for a bit.”

“Yeah, D is pretty chill,” Jason commented as we walked out of the room. I felt that elastic cord-feeling tug at me again and glanced back a moment, distracted by seeing Zain and Dmitri talking. Victoria wasn’t anywhere, I guess she had already left. The sight of the two felt vaguely familiar again, though.

“And take it from me,” Claire continue to speak, and I realized I had missed part of the conversation. “Dmitri is a SUPER good guy. He’s actually the one I told you about that saved me from my stupid aunt and uncle.”

“Wait what?” I asked, confused. “I thought you said that it was a vampire who took you.”

“Yeah, that was Dmitri,” she said. “It was his first time travelling with the embassy he said, I think.”

I looked back, but we had already gone out of sight, and then tried to collect my thoughts. “But...he...his eyes were…?”

“Ohhhhh right right right, I forgot about that,” Claire clapped in realization. “Yeah, vampires don’t ACTUALLY have red eyes, they just turn that color when they’re stressed out. Something something biology makes them turn red but they actually have fairly normal eye colors, for the most part.”

“It has to do with the way cortisol affects their system,” Alice spoke up. “They’re pretty human-based to begin with, so there's a lot of similarities, but there’s a chemical in their irises that causes it to glow red with the presence of stress hormones.”

“It used to be because they were always stressed when hungry,” Claire added. “That’s why it’s a pretty common addition to the myth. Also pretty scary.”

“But now it’s just because they have anxiety like the rest of us,” Suzanne finished.

“But...everyone’s eyes are red?”

“Well yeah, duh,” Claire smirked amusedly. “The heir and leader of their home was supposed to be bonded with a chosen Bride to solidify their strengths and safety, but something happened and word has spread that some rando is now the Bride.”

“They feel their future is uncertain,” Rose explained gently. “Humans, too. No one knows anything about you or what benefit or detriment you might bring.”

Jason stopped. “Hold on, wait…” He stared at me, his expression stiff. “You’re the…?”

“Oh shoot,” Rose swore. “I didn’t want to say anything yet, I’m sorry Jason.”

“It’s okay, I just…” he shook his head. “Damn…”

“U-um,” I started awkwardly. “Is that bad?”

“No, I just didn’t want it to be spread around just yet,” Rose admitted sheepishly. “I wanted to make sure you were comfortable first. I figured it would be awkward for you if everyone suddenly tried to avoid you and address you as ‘Lady’ and ‘ma’am’ and so on.”

“Do you...want to be addressed that way?” Jason asked nervously.

“Oh, god no,” I assured him quickly, and remembered Dmitri asking if my name was okay. “Please, Helen is just fine.”

He relaxed, relieved. “Lady Victoria all but demands everyone refer to her as Lady Victoria.”

“I’m definitely not doing that,” I grumbled. “Not after what she did today. I mean, I understand where’s she coming from but…”

They glanced at each other with worry, and I could tell they had something to say but didn’t want to say it.

I sighed. “Anyway, about Dmitri and the vampire eye thing.”

“Right,” Claire shuffled. “Um, that was probably it, honestly. Vampire’s look like people except when they’re stressed.”

“And they’re all scared of me,” I joked a little. They laughed a bit.

“Give it a few weeks,” Rose assured. “Everyone will have calmed down again. Your arrival shouldn’t effect Lord Zain’s ability to run the castle.”

“That reminds me,” I said, “how does age work for vampires? He looks like he’s our age. And Dmitri looked pretty young, too.”

“They’re about how they appear to be,” Rose explained. “Lord Zain is seventeen I think, Dmitri is...twenty-five?” My eyebrows lifted. “The ones who are born will age the same way humans do, just a little bit slower.”

“They stop aging when they reach about Dmitri’s age,” Alice chimed “At that point the body just doesn’t need to grow anymore.”

“And then they live foreeeeeever,” Claire added dramatically.

“Except the ones who are made,” Suzanne said sadly. “They’re stuck at whatever age they turned. Their bodies freeze in time, but their mind will continue to deteriorate.”

I swallowed. “So then...are most vampires born?”

“Mostly. Accidents can...happen though,” Rose admitted.

“That’s why they don’t let vampires do any biting,” Claire said. “The ones that turn usually have this weird desire to create more vampires, which would be a problem, and you have to basically drink vampire blood and die in order to turn, so keeping them away during feeding times prevents that.”

“Will...will I ever be turned?”

“Bride are a little different,” Rose responded this time. “You’d have to want to turn in order for it to work, because of the mutual agreement the bond creates between human and vampire, otherwise you’d probably just...die. And you’d be different than a turned vampire, because your partner would still be able to feed from you.”

“It’s not really a necessary procedure,” Alice added, “so I don’t think you’ll have to worry about that.”

My head spun. This was a lot of information to process. “Wait, one more question, if vampires live forever, what about the human Brides?”

“You’ll live forever too,” Alice answered simply. “It would be bad if their only food source died of old age. It’s part of the changes that now allow you to choose to become a vampire if you wanted it.”

“Yeah, it’s kinda like you’re half vampire!” Claire joked, and my chest tightened. Half vampire...I put my hand on my shoulder again where the bite mark still twinged every now and then.

Everyone split up at the edge of the center courtyard, Claire and twins heading back to the dorm, Jason heading back to his, and Rose going to her class. I was scheduled to follow Wendy next.

“This way,” she spoke, her voice soft and quiet like a whisper.

I followed, feeling awkward as I realized that this was probably the first time I’ve heard her speak. She was extremely reserved and somewhat nervous, every so often fidgeting with her fingers and not looking up anywhere. I wasn’t sure if it was because of me or if she was just...like that. I sympathized though. Up till now it was easy to borrow off of everyone’s energies to relax and adjust. The presence of her anxiety, though, kind of kept mine at bay.

“So, we’re going to...whoa, Horse Care and Management, whaaat?” I tried to give a friendly smile. “There are horses here??”

She nodded. “Yeah. They’re very gentle creatures, and understanding. I like them.”

I stared off in the distance with a small grin as we walked down an open stone hallway and away from the castle, feeling just a little excited now all on my own. I had never been on a horse, or near one for that matter. Wendy’s cheeks swelled as she smiled, and it seemed like she relaxed a little more. The stables came into view as we rounded the corner and the stone floors turned into a dirt path. The smell of fresh barnhouse and hay wafted through the air, growing bolder as we got closer.

Not many people showed up for this class, it seemed. In fact, as far as I could tell at least, it was mostly vampires here. A girl no older than us was currently setting out harnesses and saddles, wearing heavy duty working gloves and clothing, with a red bandana around her neck and a wide straw sun hat. She greeted us when we approached, then beamed at Wendy.

“Hey! Good afternoon, glad ya guys can make it!” She gave a wide grin. “Looks like some newcomers today, Welcome! I’m Amber, I’m kinda second-in-command runnin’ the stables here with my ma and her sisters, I’ll be teaching ya guys all about horses!”

“Last week I got most of ya introduced to the residents here, so today we’re gonna learn the proper ways to clean the equipment. It’s easy enough, but ya gotta do it right or the leather will get too hard, or just not clean at all. And if you don’t clean it well, ‘specially the reins and the bit, you can get the horses sick and we don’ want that.” She went through the proper techniques for getting started and had everyone start a piece of equipment. “Newbies follow me for a sec,” she called out, and to my surprise I wasn’t the only new person.

“Hey,” a young vampire guy, eyes still red, greeted me shyly after we followed Amber and then were told to wait. “You new to this class too?”

“Uh, yeah,” I responded, feeling just a tad awkward.

He smiled forward nervously as we waited for Amber to come back, running a hand across the back of his neck. He looked a bit older than me, his skin dark and his body pretty lanky and tall. Like, a whole-head-taller-than-me tall.

“I’ve never even been around one of these things before,” he admitted after a few seconds of silence.

“Me neither,” I said, deciding to try and make small talk at least. “I’ve always wanted to though, they looked pretty cool.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, and then stuck his hand out. “I’m Adrian, by the way.”

“Helen,” I replied automatically, shaking his hand.

“Helen huh,” he laughed nervously. “That funny, I think that’s the same name as that girl from outside the castle.

“Yeah,” I responded nervously, unsure whether to say anything about that. “Pretty...pretty interesting.”

Luckily Amber had already come back, leading a tall chestnut color horse. It had a white kite shape mark that spanned from it’s forehead down to its nose.

“This is Bitey,” Rose said, and Adrian stiffened next to me. “Don’t let the name fool ya, he used to be chomper when he was little but he’s quite behaved now. C’mon over and say hello!”

We both hesitated for just a moment, and then I stepped forward, feeling a little excited. The horse’s ears swiveled my way as I came up to it from the side, and he turned his head towards me.

“Hold yer hand out, fingers down,” Rose instructed gently. Behind me Adrian watched carefully as I did as told. The horse balked back a little, and then stretched out to sniff my hand. After a few seconds I reached forward to pet its muzzle. Adrian let out a breath of relief behind me.

“Now, horses are very sensitive animals, they can pick up on yer feelings pretty quick,” she said as Adrian worked up enough courage to come up beside me to also pet the horse. “They can be pretty skittish themselves, so it’s very important that ya introduce yourself properly.”

She had us step away after a moment of petting to demonstrate. “Ya always want to try and approach from a diagonal and make sure they can see ya. Cuz if ya watch him,” she stood at a severe angle from the back, “see his ears? They’re swiveled back cuz he knows I’m back here but he can’t see me. And if walk closer now,” she did, and he stepped away from her. “he’ll back up. It’s pretty nerve-wracking to have someone come up from where you don’t see em. That’s why it’s also a good idea to make sure you talk to em too. That way they can hear you and you don’t sneak up on em. NEVER sneak up on a horse unless you wanna get kicked in the teeth.”

Amber continued to explain how to approach and be around horses, how to present yourself, what to do if a horse charges at you, and had us practice approaching conduct correctly with Bitey. The whole time Adrian was very nervous, which I found just a little funny, all things considered; he could probably and easily take this animal down. It was a little alarming even. But then again...I hadn’t actually seen any proof that vampires have super strength or anything, I’ve just sort of assumed. A small spark of guilt set in my chest as I realized that...they really might be just like humans. Just people with different survival needs.

After a bit more practice she then had us rejoin the rest of the class to learn how to clean the tack, giving us the bit and saddle that Bitey had on. I went back to Wendy, who smiled at me and looked very relaxed and content. She was already drying off her piece of tack and had a couple bottles of some sort of leather oil.

The last half of the class was spent learning how to properly dry and oil the leather to help preserve its reliability, and just as the sun began to set everything was wrapped up and put away. I walked back with Wendy feeling strangely accomplished.

“That was...really cool!” I exclaimed with elation. Wendy nodded, smiling happily and quietly. “Like, never did I ever even think I would get to do something like that, not without paying a LOT of money.”

“It’s my favorite class,” she smiled quietly. “The horses really understand.”

I nodded, and remembered the vampire I had pet Bitey with, Adrian, and remembered how nervous he seemed but also how friendly. The horse wasn’t afraid of him, and prey animals are usually good at sensing predators. I thought about Dmitri, who I had no idea was a vampire, who wanted to make sure I felt comfortable with where I was. I thought about everyone I had met today, unable to help but compare it to how my life was before and how the people I had to deal with before. Against my inner denial about this whole situation, this...didn’t seem so bad so far. This actually felt...better.

We made it back to the dorms uninterrupted and I told everyone I was going to go ahead and turn in for the night, feeling exhausted. The gibbous moon had risen high enough already to cast some light in my darkened room, but I turned on a lamp anyway. The ambient lighting combined felt cozy and warm, but my room still felt too big, too open. Absentmindedly I walked to the window and opened it, then realized it had a balcony and climbed out onto it.

The night was pleasantly crisp for summertime. The sky was clear and bright as the moon’s light was cast down upon the world. Out ahead of me lay a sea of trees, and just beyond that were islands of houses. Neighborhoods. If I stared hard enough, I could almost spot the neighborhood I live in. Lived in. I breathed in and let out a sigh as I leaned against the railing, my mind debating with itself.

I shouldn’t be here. I should be at home. I should be helping mom get dinner ready, calling Emily to help her with homework. Sleeping in our run-down cozy house. Dealing with the same idiots entering the same society as me. I’m already starting to forget I’ve been kidnapped; this sense of open freedom is wrong, it’s a lie.

I looked down. It was only two, maybe three stories between here and the ground, and maybe only fifty meters between the castle and the surrounding wall. I could sneak away. I could do the bedsheet thing, anchor to the railing and then try to latch it to the decorations that topped the wall. I could go home, and try to ignore everything, pretend it was all just a bad dream.

Something lurched in my center, violently yanking at some core within me in an up-and-backwards direction. It was almost painful except for the fact that it didn’t feel real, didn’t feel tangible. I grabbed the railing to brace and support myself, my lips pressed tight in bitterness. That sensation continued to pull at me, almost like it was begging me to follow it. To follow it back to the one who bit me.

There would be no escaping that. There’s no undoing it, it would always be there. Following me, everywhere I go, no matter how far I would go. And he could probably follow it back to me. They’d find me, maybe even hurt my mom, maybe even go after Emily, and they would bring me back.

I sunk to my knees on the balcony, leaning my forehead against the railing as tears slowly filled my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. I had fun today. Today hadn’t been bad at all. Sure, I got soup dumped on me, but that was just one incident. Everyone was nice. I wasn’t caged, I wasn’t supervised. I was even allowed to make my way back to the dorms, all on my own. It was only the second day since I arrived. I could have gone somewhere else entirely. But I didn’t. Because being here today has been better than any other day in my entire life. I didn’t want to be here. But I wanted to be here.

“What’s wrong with me…?” I whispered out loud.

I don’t remember ever going back inside, but when I woke up I was in my bed. It was still dark out, the clock read just past 1 a.m. I sat up, still in the clothes I had changed into. I tucked my knees to my chest and sat there for a moment. My cheeks were sticky where my tears had dried.

The strange tugging sensation gave a nudge, not as violently as earlier, but subtly. As if giving me a suggestion. Without really thinking about it, I got up and went downstairs into the commons area, letting the tug pull me forward.

It was quiet in the room; plug-in lights with motion sensors lit up as I got closer to them, making the room have a strange dream-like glow. The girls were all still upstairs, sound asleep. The fridge in the kitchenette area kicked on with a hum for a few seconds before quieting down again. I paused like this for a little while, absorbing the atmosphere. Observing it. And then let my body be pulled forward again and out the door.

The halls were dim and quiet too. The carpet was soft but firm underneath my feet, muffling the noises of the world. I continued forward, my mind still in an almost fugue-like state. I didn’t care where I was going. I didn’t care where this pulling sensation would take me. None of it mattered anyway. Nothing I did would matter.

I came to the courtyard hub area that we crossed to get to the different areas of the human quarters, the Day wing, where classes usually occur. No one was here, but yet I could feel them here. The presence of people, the sounds echoed like the ghosts of a past memory occurring presently. I looked around and could almost see them. There wasn’t anyone here.

I felt a presence, a real presence, land behind me, and the direction of the tugging shifted and changed. I didn’t turn around or react, already knowing who and what it was but feeling nothing.

“Why are you here?” I heard his voice speak. It was soft, curious, and sad. A wave of somber confusion washed across me, but not my own. I turned around.

Zain stood right where he had landed, facing me. His eyes were firm but gentle, his expression matched the feelings in his voice. His hair shimmered in the moonlight, his red eyes glowing softly. He wasn’t angry, he wasn’t frustrated or resentful. Just...lost. Sad and lost, and looking for answers.

“I followed my heart,” I replied.

He looked on in confusion, observing me, his eyes searching. His heart searching. It felt like I could see it, his heart, reflected in his eyes.

“Why are you here?” he asked again after a moment, differently.

Tears welled up in my eyes. “I don’t know,” I answered softly. “I don’t know…”

His expression changed into a look of helpless anguish. “Why are we here?” he asked again.

And then my eyes opened.

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#Chapter Three #book #original story #vampires #slowburn #romance #it's complicated #fantasy #depression #kidnapping #school life #nightblogofficialbook

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phanfictioncatalogue · 7 years

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Hurt!Phil (6) Masterlist

Links Last Checked: March 30th, 2022

part one, part two, part three, part four, part five, part seven

But It Takes Someone To Come Around To Show You How (ao3) - Phantastically

Summary: Dan is born mute into a world where once in everyone's life your soulmate will say the specific words that are tattooed onto your body, and bring you together. These words will save your life in more ways than imaginable. Whilst Dan resigns himself to the fact he will never have a soulmate, fate has different ideas...

Happens - soillbeherethen

Summary: Dan only hit Phil once. Phil forgave him, but sometimes Dan wishes he hadn’t.

Hell Is Empty and All The Devils Are Here - unlester

Summary: all the world’s a stage, and phil is just another set piece in dan’s life.

I’m a stitch away from making it (and a scar away from falling apart) - waverlysangels

Summary: Famous!Dan AU in which Dan is an up and coming indie singer and Phil is his longterm boyfriend stuggling to deal with the fame.

It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday - iwilliftheyinsist

Summary: Phil is having a hard time saying goodbye to Dan.

I’ve Fallen In Love With This Middle Ground At The Cost Of My Soul (ao3) - mitchell

Summary: The fic where Phil falls in love too late and has to deal with the consequences.

Just Tonight - extrememehowell

Summary: The one when Dan can’t fall in love, let alone let people into his life and Phil has different plans for him.

Reichenbach Phil (ao3) - SpacedOut

Summary: It was a normal day in the Life of Dan and Phil, until Phil decides to walk onto the balcony in the middle of a storm.

Sleep well Little Lion - sleepyphanfics

Summary: Dan came back from Germany, and Phil is happy because of that. But he hasn’t slept well since he has depression. And since they haven’t been together since Dan left, they have a whole afternoon together but Phil was too tired and depressed because he was up all the nights depressed or waiting for Dan to wake up and smile a little again.

Sometimes Cuddles Are Better Than Sex (ao3) - rossendalebabe

Summary: Phil is living in a sham relationship, where lack of affection is eating away at his confidence and self-worth, leaving him feel like an empty glass of nothingness. One night, someone walks into his life who appreciates the man he is.

The Pain in a Loss of Love - rickandvyvyan

Summary: Phil had always struggled with his self-confidence and image. It was hard for him to argue back to people and stand up for himself.

The Problem With Sleepovers - contentedlyconfused

Summary: Teenage FTM!Phil starts his period in the middle of the night, while sharing a bed with Dan - who doesn’t even know Phil is transgender.

Things Dan Must Do To Make Phil Happy (ao3) - ahlohomora

Summary: Phil's got a broken leg and a handy little notepad.

We’re Fading - phanisinlove

Summary: “’I want to tell I still love you. I still think about you every day, I still think about every day.’ He whispers through his tears. The hospital was alive around him, but it all was silent, like he muted the world, closed off from reality. He heard nurses and phones and lifts dinging around him. He breathed in and held it for a bit, calming him slightly.”

What A Headache (ao3) - artbyweb86

Summary: Phil suffers from a terrible migraine while Dan is away.

Woke Up an Optimist (ao3) - kcanwrite

Summary: It's been a week since their fight, and Dan & Phil still haven't spoken. When Dan comes home drunk, Phil decides tonight can be a momentary truce. As Dan sobers up, they talk through their issues. It results in happy makeup sex.

You’ll Always Be Sexy To Me - queen-of-the-otps

Summary: Phil feels a little sad and insecure because he thinks he’s too old to be considered sexy/hot. Dan expresses fondness and jokes with Phil making him feel better,

#phanfictioncatalogue #phanfiction #phanfic #phan #masterlists #hurt!phil #hurt!phil masterlist

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withabackpackandcamera · 4 years

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February 16th, 2020

Day 2: Getting My Steps In On A Full Day Out In Hot and Humid Singapore

It was strange to wake up feeling completely awake in the middle of the night. But I guess that’s not strange when I fell asleep mid-afternoon yesterday and slept through the entire night until around 3-4am this morning. I chilled in bed trying to figure out what the plans were for the day and what I was willing to get up and do so early in the morning. I ended up looking at a bunch of websites for an hour or so, starring a bunch of food places to check out during my time here. Around 5:30am, I finally got out of bed with plans to seek out a popular hawker stall for kaya toast, a very breakfast-y thing here in Singapore, before visiting the marina for sunrise.

By the time I left the hostel, the sky was still dark yet the humidity was still present. Thank goodness the heat had calmed down a bit. I walked to the MRT station and ended up waiting outside its doors for a bit until it actually opened. Once things were good to go, I hopped on the MRT and got off at the very first stop (I was feeling a bit lazy to walk there this morning). After wandering the streets for a few minutes trying to figure out where my Google Maps was taking me, I finally wandered into the hawker center I was looking for: Amoy Street Food Center. The center was pretty empty when I arrived as it was still pretty early. But after roaming through the center for a bit and realizing that the hawker stall had numbers, I finally found Ah Seng (Hai Nam) Coffee, the stall I was looking for for their highly-recommended kaya toast with soft boiled egg breakfast (this place was highly recommended online because of the unique way that the toast is made, which is on a charcoal fire, leaving it with a unique texture and taste compared to other places). I was probably one of their very first customers of the day. And the greatest part about being one of the first is: no heat and no line! The stall was run by an old couple who had probably been running it for a while. The lady quickly took my order, got things going, and before I knew it, my kaya toast and soft boiled eggs were ready! And it was pretty tasty and surprisingly filling.

After sitting and eating, I walked over to Marina Bay as the sun was rising, which was around 7am. I walked along the waterfront toward Merlion Park and stopped a couple of times for photos of Marina Bay Sands, the iconic hotel located across the marina from Merlion Park. As the sun continued to rise in the sky, I took a quick breather at Merlion Park and watched as people made quick stops to take photos of the iconic Merlion statue before continuing on their way.

Once my break was over, I continued on around the bay and across Helix Bridge before making a turn to walk along the outside of Gardens By The Bay on the way to Marina Barrage. At this point in the morning, the sky was clear, the sun was high in the sky, and the temperature was climbing. I took in the views at Marina Barrage before making my way through the public part of Gardens By The Bay, where I found Supertree Grove, an iconic spot in Singapore most known for its beautifully-lit supertrees at night. I stopped here briefly to take a look, knowing that I was going to be back later in the evening, before making my way over to Marina Bay Sands to take a quick look inside from the hotel’s sky walk. After a quick peek, I slowly found my way to the closest MRT stop for a ride back to the hostel.

I stopped by the hostel for a bit to hang out, cool down, and relax before meeting up for an early lunch with Stephanie and Tony, two of Julia and Austen’s ex-pat friends in Singapore. At first, the plan was to meet up and eat at 40 Hands, a western restaurant in Tiong Bahru, but once we met up there, they changed their mind and we ended up eating at Cheng’s @ 27, a nice little Asian restaurant located on the bottom floor of their apartment building. And the food they ordered was tasty! We ordered a vermicelli Singaporean noodle dish, leafy greens, crispy chicken with ginger, crispy pork cubes, and nasi lemak with a cup of cold herbal tea for me. And it was delicious, especially the crispy chicken with ginger! We sat and ate and chatted for a while about all sorts of things, from Singaporean life, their life as academics in Singapore (they are both professors teaching their own classes at the universities here), having babies in Singapore, and having helpers (i.e. servants, housekeepers).

After lunch, we walked and checked out a bookstore in Tiong Bahru just down the road from the restaurant before stopping for dessert at Plain Vanilla, a cafe/bakery further down the street with good cupcakes. There, we got a raspberry rose cupcake and an earl grey lavender cupcake, and I got a lemongrass jasmine iced tea to quench more of my never-ending thirst. We sat around and conversed for a while more before touring the neighborhood briefly and checking out the Tiong Bahru Market which, by this time, was already starting to close down. We walked through the hawker stalls before Tony and I ended up getting a soursop drink for further hydration. It wasn’t too bad. I bet my mom would love it. After a total of four hours of socializing with Stephanie and Tony, they had stuff to get to and so we bid farewell and I was on my own again. It was nice to meet some locals and talk about life in Singapore but it was also nice to run into some Americans who were familiar with the U.S. and the current state of things there. Once I made my way back to the hostel, I took another short break before planning my next moves as the afternoon wore on.

I killed some time and rested my legs and shoulders at the hostel for a couple of hours as I recharged my phone. The break ended up being longer than I intended because of the weather outside. What was earlier a clear day slowly became more cloudy until the rain started to come down. I watched as the forecast and radars showed rain moving into the area and stayed put until the showers had passed, which didn’t end up occurring until close to 7pm.

Once the skies were no longer dropping rain, I made moves to get to Supertree Grove in time to watch the wildly popular and famous Garden Rhapsody, a show of music and synced lights at Supertree Grove that occurs a couple of times every evening. And I got there just in time to see the super egg-looking things lighting up in the water and synced to cool, calming music right before the start of the main event. And it was pretty cool seeing the Supertrees light up to music (this time, it was opera). It was like watching a bigger version of synced lights during the Christmas season. Minh would love this!

After staying put under the supertrees for a little more than an hour and experiencing Garden Rhapsody twice, I walked back and through The Shoppes at Marina Bay Sands, the large shopping center attached to Marina Bay Sands. I originally thought it’d be a good idea to cut through the shopping center, check it out, and stay cool, but it ended up taking forever to get through since I had no idea where to find the exits to the marina side of the shopping center. It was super confusing, but eventually, I did find my way out after spending way more time looking at the nice stores inside than I was intending to do.

When I finally got to the promenade, I walked along the bay on the side opposite of the side I was on earlier this morning. I didn’t stop to take any photos this time since I knew the photos wouldn’t be all that interesting and because I was tired of lugging my heavy camera bag around everywhere. At this point, I was dead. Like dead tired. I pushed myself to get to the closest MRT (which wasn’t so close), and once I was there, I decided I would make one more stop before finally going home.

The plan was to get off the MRT at the Chinatown stop and look for a specific hawker stall for wanton mee, a noodle dish I found online that looked like it was worth trying. By the time I got to the stall I was looking for, the stall had already closed for the evening. Darn. So I walked down to the Maxwell Center, where there were only a few stalls still open. I was hoping that the Hainanese chicken rice stall would still be open but it wasn’t either. But luckily, I found another stall, No.1 Maxwell, that was still open and that sold wanton mee. Sweet, I get to check out another dish before finishing up the night. I ordered my wanton mee and ate it slowly since I was tired. The wanton mee wasn’t bad. It consisted of egg noodles with meatless wontons (that part was weird, not sure if they cheated me out of meat or it was supposed to be like that or it was a mistake), char siu park, and some sauces with soup on the side. I sat there and finished it up before finally making it back to the hostel, with my energy almost completely drained from one of the longest city-exploring days I’ve had in a long, long while. Can’t wait to wash up and just sleep. Whew.

5 Things I Learned Today:

1. Kaya toast is made of two pieces of bread with butter, sugar, and Pandan-fragrant kaya (coconut jam), usually served with soft boiled eggs that you can add some dark soy sauce and white pepper onto. This dish is typically eaten for breakfast. And it tastes like toasted wheat bread with sugar and jam. Oh, and most people get it with a coffee.

2. Marina Bay is a very popular location for a morning run or bike ride in Singapore given the promenade and how well the area is kept. It was full of people being active early in the morning.

3. What is Sanglish? It is Singaporean English slang. Based on what I was told, it’s a slang where people in Singapore use different words or sounds at the beginning or end of words or sentences to mean different things in English. For example, “la” at the end of sentences can be used to indicate that the sentence or thought is at its end. Like a verbal period. Another example. People can reply with the word “can” to signify affirmation of something or to answer yes to a question. Strange.

4. Helpers in Singapore are essentially cheap servants/housekeepers that are hired through government-regulated programs. They are usually people brought in from Indonesia or the Philippines (countries where incomes can be very low, so these people can be hired for cheap labor) to help with things at home. It is regulated by the government so as to not break human rights rules, though sadly, like with anything else, people can bend the rules and not treat helpers in the humane way they should be treated.

5. Supposedly, most Singaporean restaurants don’t automatically provide napkins for you when you eat with them. The standard is that you bring your own. Also, interestingly enough, napkins have a second use for many people here in Singapore. You can use your napkin or tissue packet to save a spot or seat at a table if you’re not there physically. And people actually respect it. Crazy. No way that’d happen in many other places.

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aviationfiction · 7 years

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XXI

Autumn Dupont

“I can’t wait for you to get here so you can try on your gown. Autumn, it’s so freaking gorgeous. The pale toned pink is perfect and you know you have that sun kissed skin with that super weird yet intriguing mystical glow to it that every woman on earth would kill for, so that’s certainly going to bring it to another level.”

My body turned to yet another angle as I did my best to get a good look at my tightly drawn back ponytail. While listening to Heather pour out her vexation, thrill, and anxiety about her wedding over the past thirty minutes, I’d been working with a curling iron, a flat iron, and my overthinking mind as I did my best to get it to the look of perfection that I envisioned. Initially, I worked loose curls into the ends to create a nice bounce to it but I wasn’t a fan of the look about five minutes later so that resulted in me flat ironing every single strand until they were straighten and cascading down my back. After having checked the weather, there was no way possible that I’d risk wearing my hair loose and allowing it to join the hundred and four degree weather in torturing my body. Supposedly, today’s a cool day and if those numbers represent what’s supposed to be cool, then I don’t want to be here when the temperature reaches absurd numbers.

“You heard me?”

“Yes, I did. First, I don’t know what glow you’re speaking of. I don’t see it and I’m looking at myself in the mirror as we speak. Second, I truly hope the dress fits my body properly and that it’s your final choice. I’m not allowing you to take me through the strain of last minute changes, Bridezilla.”

I dug both hands into my cosmetic bag to find my recent goto NARS lip gloss and nearly emptied out all of it’s contents onto the counter top. I contemplated doing somewhat of a full face of make up and the thought of looking like melted clay ceased my efforts. Instead, I applied a tinted moisturizer to my face, filled in my brows, applied just a bit of mascara for depth to my slightly sleep eyes, and now my last step is the lip gloss, if I didn’t forget the pack it. I’ve done my best to be as naked as possible without being indecent and yet I still feel like I’m overdressed for the heat that I’m about to endure. These acid washed cut off shorts are nearly short enough to be considered a pair of denim panties and the pure white crop tank top I’d chosen to wear with them left more than enough of my belly exposed and yet I could already sense how much sweat I’d be covered in within minutes. I just about clicked my heels when I noticed that there was an indoor pool and that’s where I planned to spend at least a nice portion of my day but one phone call tossed that out of the window.

“You ready Peaches?” I swiftly turned my head in the direction of the bathroom’s entrance and narrowed my eyes at Dante as he poked his head inside and took a look at me. Unlike usual, our eyes didn’t meet. Instead he took the time to exam every single article of clothing that I chose for his planned outing and he slowly trailed his intense brown eyes up until they were staring at my set of green. Instinctively, my feet took a step back from the counter and I slightly twisted my body to stretch away the tingling running along my spine and dancing within the depths of my abdomen. He arrived nearly three hours ago after having changed out of his business attire and freshened up for the afternoon and he fell into a slumber on the couch of my two bedroom suite while watching The Brothers. I assured him that while he napped, I’d began to get ready for whatever he planned but that transitioned into a bit of a white lie as I plopped down on the love seat and shamefully leered at him while he slept. The sight of his chest peacefully heaving up and down and the low breaths that escaped his soft lips entranced my mind and left me in a state of stillness. My heart swelled at the sight of every deep sleep grimace he’d make and I craved to be just a small part of whatever dream had his mind occupied. While his thickened eyebrows served as a clear source of his masculinity, the slightly curled set of eyelashes and his supple blushed lips softened his face to create the unbelievably perfect mesh of handsome and beautiful all at once.

Andreas is beautiful. I often thought of his appearance as unrealistic and had no issue deeming the man to be the one with all of the beauty within our marriage. Though it left my stomach churning from time to time, I expected women to gawk at him without any regard for my presence and it was of no surprise to me that my husband was often the one being lusted over before any of the players for the Miami Heat or for any NBA team, period. Though he’d do his best to take a nonchalant approach to it, he knew and he often joked about it whenever he felt compelled to irritate me for having irked his nerves at the wrong time or for the self pleasure of teasing me about an unspoken insecurity. Either way, his beauty has always been at the forefront of us and I grew accustomed to it. In no way am I comparing the two but there’s something about Dante that is so refreshing within that aspect. It’s not just his humble obliviousness and detachment from his attractiveness, but also his cultivated masculinity and imperfections that serve as the stepping stone for why he embodies what it means to be a man.

“Who is that?” As Heather questioned the foreign voice she heard in the background, I gave Dante a thumbs up and a playful side eye for the nickname he decided to give me yesterday and has refuse to let up on. With a nod of his head, he turned away to leave me to the wrap up what I had left to do.

“You heard me?” My hand finally set on the lip gloss I’d been searching for and I quickly opened up the tube and applied a coat to my top and bottom lip.

“That was Dante.” I had no reason to lie to her and there was nothing that I could make up off of the top of my head that would make much sense. She knows what I currently do for a living, she knows who my boss is because I told her, and she knows damn well there’s no man that I’d be bringing along with me for work related trips. Though I tend to avoid to the topic, she’s been curious about the dynamic between the two of us ever since we randomly decided to hang out in his nightclub after having a cost less dinner upstairs in his restaurant. The visual of the two of us speaking at the bar wrote a narrative for both Heather and Rachel that they refuse to let go of. Both women seem to believe they know my body language and reactions to men better than I do.

“He’s currently in your hotel room? Well, that makes things more interesting. Then again, it’s been that way. Your Instagram page currently looks like a traveler’s guide and I know for a fact that you’re not doing all of those outings alone. You can be somewhat of a loner when you want to be, but I’m not stupid.”

“I’ve never said that you’re stupid. We hang out. It’s been a couple of months and I can admit that a friendship has formed, so we hang out. It’s purely platonic; friendly. The friendship we have is no different from any other friendship I have. Granted your my best friend, so I’d say he’s a good friend. That’s fair enough.” I placed the lip gloss into the front pocket of my backpack along with my Apple charger and wallet. I left the inside empty for bottles of water.

We passed by a VANS store yesterday at Fredrick’s request while Dante was taking care of business and I couldn’t help but to fall in love with a sepia colored polka dot backpack that I saw hanging up on the wall. I asked for it without a second thought and a salesmen wouldn’t be doing his job without showing me something that would perfectly go along with the bag and mine did so when he paired the bag with a pair of the “Old Skool” classic skate shoes. The match made in heaven wasn’t one that I could turn down and was certainly worth the money, but my debit card never paid for the hundred and eight buck total. Fredrick physically and mentally blocked me from the counter as he uttered Dante’s request to look after me and make sure I was taken care of until he returned. What I took as a joke to laugh at was far more serious than it should have been for both of his best friends as we walked through The Fashion Show Mall. Though I didn’t necessarily want anything else, it didn’t stop them from offering me to choose something of my liking whenever we entered stores of their choice. Ice cream and lunch at Ruth Chris was on Mike. Today, I’m putting Fredrick’s gifts to use.

“You’re comparing our friendship with the one you have with him?”

“No. You’re my best friend. There’s no comparison to make.”

“I also don’t have a dick.”

“I’m aware of that. Also, his genitalia has absolutely nothing to do with me nor is it on my mind.” Well, at least not while I’m awake so, that’s not dishonesty on my end. After our eventful night at his golden nightclub and the time we spent reclined in the leather seats of his Aston Martin, the short nap I took was even shorter than it was supposed to be as I forced myself to end it. I needed the fantasy of Dante being buried between my thighs while I thrust my body to and from his in the front seat of his car to cease. That dream was the pioneer for the dream I had throughout last night that ruined my chances of an attempt to sleep in today. I’d like to think that I’m simply reliving my teenage years once more; or maybe it’s those early twenties that I missed out on. Fantasies are just that; moments when you absentmindedly muster up outrageous thoughts about something or someone out of your reach. I cannot recall any real celebrity or even average civilian crushes that I’ve had some years back and as a married woman the last thing I was thinking about was other men, though I wanted to out of spite. I’m going to deem these absolutely out of line visions of my boss and myself as a bit of that with an added dose of immaturity on my end. I suppose that’s what happens when you either encounter or fan girl over someone that’s out of your league and unattainable.

“Are you sure about that? It never crossed your mind when he was damn near pressed against your body that night?”

“No, it didn’t. Why would it? I told you that he and I have a friendship. It’s a fairly new friendship.”

“You say that like it’s a foreign concept for a man and a woman to start off as friends before taking it to the next level. Do you know how long that’s been happening? Not everyone meets someone and immediately either works towards or just jumps into a relationship. Friendship is often the stepping stone.”

“Yeah, well that isn’t the case between he and I. There’s nothing going on. I know you poke fun at me for being this extremely secretive person but I’m not hiding anything here. We’re just cool.”

“What do you like about him?”

“I don’t like him.” A huffed slipped past my lips and I pulled both straps of the backpack over my shoulders and slightly adjusted it so it’d be aligned perfectly with my back. While spinning in the mirror, I chuckled as I thought about Dante telling me I looked fifteen years old two days ago. I could admit that this look made me look no more than the age of a high school senior. It’s the ponytail and hoop earrings doing it more than anything.

“Why are you being so defensive? I’m asking that in general. You have to like something about him in order to consider him a friend of yours.”

“He’s just a good guy. He’s personable, kind, and a great listener. He gives good advice and is encouraging. He’s cultured and willing to teach without being an arrogant know it all. He’s funny in his own little way. He’s fun. He’s very humble and I respect that so much. He’s someone who knows so much; damn near everything and yet he doesn’t allow that to control who he is, how he carries himself, and what he represents. I respect that.”

“That’s a lot of description for someone that you’re only friendly with.”

“If someone were to ask me about you, I’d hope that you’d believe that I could give them a detailed and accurate description of how I feel about you and what you represent as a woman, because if not, then we have some issues.”

“Oh please. Don’t give me that bullshit. We’ve been friends since you and I were kids. So yeah, I’d expect that. You’ve been knowing this man for a couple of months through work and from what you just said to me, I’d think he’s been in your life for a couple of years. You’re going to tip toe but whatever. Say you do like him and you’re interested in something more; what’s the problem with that?”

“There’s a lot of of problems with that and it’s not the case.”

“What’s the problem?” If I had the time or the actual will to do so, I’d run down the pages upon pages of issues that would go into he and I being anything beyond what we already are. We’ve already crossed a couple of boundaries that are too far behind us to ever backtrack but there is no doubt that we’re going to be right here, at this point, throughout the duration of us working together because that’s the way it needs to be. I’m not even sure how long I’m going to be working as a corporate flight attendant. Though I enjoy the traveling and being able to see the world without having to spend a dime out of my pocket on flights, hotels, or food due to the company and the perks of having a company credit card, it’s time consuming and there’s a cap on how far I can excel. I can’t allow a favor for my brother to turn into my entire life and I certainly cannot allow a favor to turn into a nightmare for him. He’d have a conniption if he found out about just a small amount of what Dante and I have been doing with our work and personal time since being introduced to one another by him. It’s no secret that our relationship has a significant amount of damage and our story has some tattered pages but my God, I’d toss the most potent gasoline on the blaze that is his disappointment if he knew or if this goes any further than it needs to due to my foolishness and hopeless romantic being. Yet again, I’m teetering on the edge of destroying my relationship with my family and possibly pursuing a man that’s too far out of my league and would all but leave me shattered by the way of my own doings.

“Heather, I just got a divorce. The ink on that shit hasn’t even dried yet. As I look at my left hand, I can still somewhat see the print from my engagement ring and eternity band still on my ring finger. Take a step back and imagine how that would look. I’d be jumping from one relationship to another without any regard. Shit, it’d look like I was doing so while still very much so in the marriage. Situations like that need time to subside and it needs to make sense. I also need that sigma on me to die down some, you know? The whole someone’s ex-wife and sloppy seconds thing. He filled for the divorce. I’m the woman who was left for another; the cultural woman with the worldly job position by the way. I don’t have the greatest image right now. In addition to that, I’m not his type.”

Silence fell between the two of us as I leaned against the counter top and grimaced at the thought of what I just explained. I’ve seen far more than enough online, heard it on the radio from some of the most known radio personalities, and I’ve seen the brutal comments on social media. If it’s not about the decision I’ve made in walking away with nothing of his, it’s my idiocy for allowing another woman to come in and ruined what I built. Then there’s the viewpoint about my lack of a backbone or the women who have been digging as much as they can to find some type of scandal within my background or by my doing within our marriage so they can alleviate Andreas of any blame. As far as men, I’ve read plenty of “show me a beautiful woman, and I’ll show you a man who’s tired of fucking her” comments. Aside from that, no one wants me to shed the identity of being Andreas’ ex-wife. I’ve been offered a couple of book deals to tell all of our dirty laundry for some millions and the possibility of being on the New York Times Best Seller list. Shaunie O’Neal offered me to join Evelyn Lozada, Jennifer Williams, Tami Roman, and a few other ladies on Basketball Wives as a new cast member and if I made my very first season juicy enough to draw in high ratings, she assured me that I’d have a spin off show by the next season. I’ve been sent e-mails from multiple well known publicists to be hired for representation, and I’ve been offered interviews with countless media platforms. Rather than declining, I’ve never responded to most. There’s no need to. If I wanted to live off of the man, I could be twenty million dollars wealthier right now. I would have rather done that than to make a living off of my heartbreak by the way of scandalous exposure.

“What the fuck are you talking about right now?” The disgust in her tone was evident and it also served as the marker for me to end our call before the conversation turned into an argument that neither one of us need right now or anytime soon.

“Heather, I’m holding everyone up. I’ll call you tonight.”

“You know, that’s why I hate him. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t stand that high yellow, weasel faced, son of a bitch for hurting you, but I hate his ass for being the biggest part of altering the way you view yourself. I wish you were on my end of this conversation and could have heard that bullshit that you just spewed to me as the absolute truth about yourself. It scares me that you actually believe that and it makes me wonder if that counseling shit is working out. Your image? Jumping around? I’m at a lost for words because I don’t know what to say to you without losing my damn mind. You don’t owe him shit. Fuck the ink. I wouldn’t give a shit if it’s being smudged on the pages as we speak. You are a woman who is free to do whatever the fuck you want to do. I—you know what, I’ll let you go. We’ll talk later. Enjoy your day with your quote on quote friend.”

We didn’t bid one another our usual parting words of love. The double beep signifying her end to our call was as cold as she purposefully intended it to be and I could do nothing more than stick my phone down in the back pocket of my shorts and head out of the bathroom. Heather’s had more issues than I can count with me over these past six years and I’d just have to take today’s conversation and toss it into the pile of unresolved conflicts I’m going to have to mend at some point.

“I’m ready. Are you? You finished that movie?” I found Dante in my suite’s living room, laying across the couch, looking at what I know for sure is the final scene of the movie. He looked pleased, just as I had expected him to. The Brothers is a film that carters to both genders, though he swore it’d be a chick flick filled with drama and romance. Though it does contain those aspects, it’s also contains enough macho masculinity and comedy for a man to enjoy.

“There’s the credits.” He pointed at the screen and stood to his feet. He too, was dressed with the means to stay as cool possible. He donned himself in terry cotton deep grey Nike shorts with the all too familiar logo largely printed on the side of the left leg in white, a plain white t-shirt, and a black and royal blue pair of Michael Jordan’s first signature shoe. Though my eyes can barely tear away from him when he’s covered in the finest of materials gathered to create his designer suits, I certainly struggle to refrain from fawning over the days when he’s causal or laid back in appearance. There’s something about it that not only suits him but it also temporarily eliminates some of the intimidation in his serious demeanor. Right now, I don’t feel like I’m in front of a multimillionaire business man who has the world at his disposal. Instead, I’m in the presence of a handsome yet simple man with a kind heart and intuitive and often poetic mind.

“Did you enjoy it? Which brother do you relate to?”

“It was a good movie. As far as which one I relate to? None of them. One has commitment issues and then it went way left when he found out the chick he took an interest in had a previous relationship with his father. Then there’s his parents rekindling their relationship. Awkward shit. I don’t know my father’s dealings but I hope to never run into a woman he’s dealt with. What’s the other guy’s name? Brian. That’s it. He went through it with one black woman and swore off all of them. That’s quite silly, even though her sending him to jail was ridiculous. The Derrick guy and the sex issues, well I found that more comedic than anything, except for the mother part though I can’t relate. I’d never want my mother living with me.”

“You wouldn’t allow your sick mother to live with you?”

“Sick mother? Hm. I guess I’d allow that. She’s my mother after all.”

“And you wouldn’t consider leaving your wife if she wasn’t pleasuring you in the manner that you’d want her to?”

“No.” He shook his head to match the statement he made and I quickly side eyed him because I will never believe his or any man’s response to that if they tell me no. I firmly believe that apart of the reason why Andreas went after Amber is because of our unstable bedroom life. I came into his life untouched by any man and I worked at trying to figure out what he needed in order to keep him pleased. I’d mentally immersed myself into so much, it became less and less about my own pleasure and mostly about what lingerie, trick, or position I should try to maximize the pleasure for him. Some were better than others, tons were far more painful than I thought they’d be, and there were those that filled my frame with embarrassment because the execution wasn’t quite right. As the traveling increased, loneliness engulfed me and our connection dwindled. Whenever he did come home, I’d try my best attempts at spontaneity. I’d wait for him naked in our bedroom, only for him to flop down on the couch and not even acknowledge my presence. In the mornings, I’d remove my bed attire and creep into the shower only for him to turn around, kiss me, and tell me he had to go or he’d be late. I still cringe at the times when I’d drop to my knees and literally request to envelope his flesh into my mouth. Those requests were approved occasionally and I’m assured that it was for my own satisfaction more than it was his. I’d like to think Amber was already spreading her thighs and opening up her mouth for my ex-husband at that point; it’s either that or he just no longer wanted me.

“You’re lying.”

“No, I’m not. Why would I consider leaving my wife over something that we can work on? That’s not betrayal or the breaking of some part of the vows. It’s sex. Sex is a learning experience. You teach and you learn; both husband and wife or whatever relationship dynamic you have with said person.”

“And what if your wife never learns?”

“It’s not possible.”

“How so?” I quickly crossed my arm over my chest. I didn’t intend to be combative but there is no way possible that I’m wrong in this instance. I’ve heard and read about more that enough relationships or marriages going through the wringer because of sex and sex alone.

“It’s just not possible; at least not in my opinion. There’s so much to explore and try out. If one thing doesn’t work out, try something else. If you’re in love and you truly value that person and what they bring into your life, then you’re going to figure it out.”

“Well, I guess I’m going to have to agree to disagree. What you’re saying is easy to say because you’ve never had to deal with it. We all say all kinds of shit when we’re on the outside looking in. So no, I don’t believe you because in this instance you’re inexperienced and unaware.”

“Inexperience and being supposedly unaware has absolutely nothing to do with who I am as a man. I’m only getting married one time. That, I know for sure. So we’re going to have to figure it out until the wheels fall off. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Yeah, okay. If we’re still friends around the time that you get married, we’ll come back to this.” I lead the way to the door and he chuckled while cooly trailing behind me. A part of me wanted to keep drilling his head until he understood where I was coming from and could stop being such an optimist but I let it go because I cannot speak for him or his future experiences.

“Nah. We can come back to this conversation sooner than that and why did you say if? You plan on going somewhere?” I nearly stopped in my tracks at the question. Am I going somewhere? They say people are in your life for a reason or for a season and though I have so many reasons for why I enjoy him and value what he’s brought to my life thus far, I do and can question if this is all just something temporary for the both of us that will be nothing more than a blur in his future and a memory within mine. The changes that will happen within our lives are inevitable and it’d be hard to imagine the two of us and whatever we call ourselves building between one another outlasting it. I’m sure it can happen but would it? Is that realistic?

“No. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Neither am I. So there’s no need to say if.”

“Okay fine, we’ll talk about it sooner, later, and at the wedding too.” The door closed behind the two of us as we walked down the long hallway and he continued to trail behind me until we were waiting for the elevator.

“Not at the wedding. The conversation will be pointless, because by then, you’ll already see it my way.”

“You sure about that?”

“Positive, Peaches.”

“And you’re going to stop calling me that.” I quickly pointed my finger in his direction as the double doors drew themselves apart and we stepped on, taking positions on opposites and he pressed the button for the lobby. While leaning my body against the stainless steel wall, it’s coolness did absolutely nothing to distract my attention from the sight directly across from me. His stance was nearly identical to mine; only he had his hands stuffed down into the pockets of his shorts. I did my best to refrain from being obnoxious or embarrassing as I continued to take in all six feet and four inches of him, but I didn’t have the strength to fight it. Any woman standing in my position would be doing the same in hopes of even a glance from him. The level of small I feel in such a grand presence is unbelievable and yet I’m drawn to every aspect of him; mentally and physically, though I’ve never had him. I cannot get the feeling of my body pressed against his as I moved my hips along to every infectious beat and vulgar lyrics while in the club. That is the result of my eyes panning down to his shorts to get even the slightest sight of what I felt pressing against my derrière. I remember the exact moment I felt what would eventually invade my thoughts and dreams, salivate my mouth, and moisten the most sacred part of me. Hours ago, I interrupted the best sleep I’d gotten in quite some time to end the vision of my nude body sprawled on his office desk as he—

“Peaches.”

“Huh?” I quickly returned my attention to his face and watched as he pointed at the lobby. As he stepped aside, I quickly exited the elevator and turned the corner to find an awaiting Mike and Fredrick. I didn’t know they were downstairs waiting for us and had Dante mentioned it, I probably would have tried to ready myself a bit quicker and would have certainly ended that call with Heather much sooner.

“It took y'all long enough.”

“Should have stayed upstairs instead of rushing your impatient and anxious ass down here to wait.” Dante purposefully yet playfully pushed Fredrick out of the way and he approached Mike who held an expression on his face that was far more serious than I’d ever seen on him. He’s usually comedic, cool mannered, and making statements that are either slick or slyly amusing all for the sake of entertaining himself and embarrassing those around him.

“Let me talk to you for a minute.” Dante’s ever confident frame tensed at the question and he quickly nodded his head as the two stepped away from both Fredrick and I. They were in clear view and if I were curious enough about what they were speaking about, I could have heard it well enough, but I’d been distracted by the sight coming in through the revolving doors to be concerned.

Though Vegas is known for bachelor or bachelorette weekends and shotgun weddings, I’ve never heard of people actually making the decision to have their traditional and sometimes extremely lavish wedding ceremonies and receptions in Vegas. I’d noticed an unusual amount of human traffic once we stepped off of the elevator but I didn’t connect the dots to a wedding. Now all of the tuxedos and whimsical dresses make sense. The last to waltz into the lobby was the beaming couple, who could do nothing more than fawn over and smoother one another in affectionate and celebratory kisses to celebrate their union. Their smiles were infectious not only because those amongst them were smiling just as big, but also because I mustered up a small smile of my own. Instead of her maid of honor, mother, or sister, it was the groom holding up the back of her mermaid style of gown. My attention focused on her more than anyone else, and the gleam in her eyes is exactly what a bride is supposed to have on one of the most special days that she’ll have in her life. She’s walking along side her life partner; the man who just vowed himself, his loyalty, and all of his dedication to her. I wonder if people warned her that though today may be beautiful, there’s a possibility of storms to come and destroy all that they’ve shared and built together to arrive to this point. I wonder if she knows that he may change or one day may wake up and not look at her the same way. Does she know not to lose herself into that shit? Will he cherish her? When he’s not perfect, will he apologize? Some days I think I’ve had closure and there are the occasional ones when I crave an apology from Andreas. An explanation would take me through the hell of it again, but I’d deal with that for those two words that often mark a resolved ending. I’d like to think I’m worth that; even if he doesn’t feel like he did anything wrong.

“Autumn.”

“Yes?” I turned to look at Fredrick whose facial expression held concern. I’d been zoned out to the point of staring at nothing. The wedding party vanished behind the doors of the hotel’s ballroom.

“Lets go to the little convenience store and get some snacks for the trip while they have that conversation.” He didn’t bother to wait for an answer as he threw an arm over my shoulder and lead me to the right.

“Trip? Where are we going?” Honestly, I figured we were going to gamble or take a visit to that gangster museum that Mike raved about on the way here. I don’t know much about Vegas other than gambling and nightlife and based upon the brochures I’ve read since being here, that truly is the highlight of what happens out here. I expect to be highly impressed when we head out on the scene sometime tonight.

“The Grand Canyon. Dante’s idea.”

“Oh! That sounds cool. Thank God I brought my camera. That’s a great outing for nice pictures.”

“It is. Mike and I haven’t been out there so we figured why not just do it together, even though it’s hot as fuck outside.”

My backpack served as the junk bag while Fredrick fit as many bottles of assorted beverages as he could into his own. You’d think we were kids the way we zipped around the store like the roadrunner racking up tons and tons of chips, cookies, cakes, and candy. Our teeth are sure to be semi rotten while I stomachs painfully ache if we should decided to consume all of it but we preferred to have options to suit everyone’s tastes. Dante rented a bright white Jeep Wrangler Unlimited for our trip and Fredrick volunteered to be our designated driver to both destinations. He and Mike occupied the front, while Dante and I sat on opposites sides in the backseat. I don’t know how I was able to figure it out, but he much like myself, was pleasantly surprised when I handed him a bag of Oreo minis and strawberry milk. I remembered the milk from a flight and the cookies were a lucky guess. It was my way of breaking the ice as he sat there staring out of the window swallowed by his thoughts. Whatever Fredrick told him couldn’t have been good news because the tension remained within his frame and exuded in my direction though he didn’t intend it. If we were alone, I’m sure we’d speak about it and hopefully there is a point throughout this day that we do. I’m no Dr. Jill. I don’t have all of the right answers, but I’d like to serve as an outlet to release his pent up emotions whenever he needs to. That’s what a friend is for.

“Are you okay?” My hand rested on top of his own and he swiftly flipped his hand so it’d lock around mine.

“Yeah, I’m just mentally analyzing a few things and solving others. I apologize for the silence.”

“There’s no need to apologize. I understand.”

“Fredrick told you where we’re going?” I quickly nodded my head and chuckled as he leaned in to began a session of whispering so the all too nosey duo in the front wouldn’t find a way to pick on him.

“Yeah. I told him that I’m glad I packed my camera so that I’ll be able to take some great shots at both places. Oh and your iPhone too. How the hell do we have the same phone and yet yours takes better pictures?” We shared a laugh over my question and he unlocked his phone so he could point out the simplistic answer; editing apps. I don’t have any on my phone other than one which is for creating collages or squeezing a few photos into one particular frame. I use the Instagram filters and call it a damn day.

“There are some great free ones but the best ones are the ones you have to pay for. I read a couple of articles and bought the apps with the best reviews and I just play around with the apps and edit the photos until they’re the quality that I want.”

“I’m going to have to copy off of you. Put those on my phone. Not all, but like the best three? I think that should do the trick.” I scooted closer so we’d be directly next to one another and I handed over my phone so that he’d handle the task.

“Your photos don’t need any editing though.” To mask the blush that was fighting its way through, I chuckled at the statement and quickly shook my head. He was serious and that within itself caused my head to drop down so I was staring into my lap and I finally allowed that blush to conquer the lower half of my face.

“Oh shit. That was a good one.”

Dante’s eyes widened at Mike’s intrusive comment and he immediately frowned at his best friend who twisted his body just enough to be able to see into the backseat. Fredrick’s loud laughter made it no better and I couldn’t help but to join him as Dante’s face filled with a faint hue of crimson to signify his embarrassment. He simply stared at Mike’s hand when he extended it for a dap and he rolled his eyes at the devious smirk on his face.

“I’m just messing with you brother. Aye, since we’re on the West Coast, Pac or Snoop for the road trip soundtrack?”

“Snoop.”

Dante and I said the name in unison and Mike turned his attention to his iPhone. As he connected to his Bluetooth, Dante typed and tapped away on my iPhone to began my journey to being a mobile editing master. Rather than going directly to one of Snoops legendary albums, Mike opted for a playlist. As the the sounds of “Snoop Dogg” blared from the speakers inside of the sporty truck, our heads nodded along to the infectious beat. While we relaxed against the cool backseats, our eyes met. The blaring music became faint as his intense gaze grasped my entire being and I could feel my lips slightly falling agape at the sight. He never once flinched. His search or rather hunt for something that goes beyond my outer surface became apparent as his body slightly leaned into mine. I welcomed him. He blinked once; setting off an array of chills from the base of my skull down to the very nerve endings of my spine and my nerves grasped the best of me as I tensely ran my fingers through my hair. He’d taken that as an invitation to take a few strands in-between his fingers and he loosely curled the strands around them.

“You’re stunning Autumn.”

“You too.”

It slipped and I wanted to kick myself for it. It flew from my lips a millisecond after my name beautifully eased from his. The truth; a truth that I’ve noticed since I mistakenly fell into his arms. He’s stunning internally beyond what most could ever imagine and it shines through to further enhance his external.

He granted me a small smile while allowing my hair to fall back into place. He didn’t readjust himself back into the position he was once in. He remained close, with his shoulder leaning into mine, while he browsed through the App Store. As his scent engulfed me, my body further sank down into the seat as I mentally unraveled.

God help me.

Our destination wasn’t the four hour drive that I was expecting. Our forty five minute ride didn’t even allow us to get to the end of the Very Best of Snoop Dog playlist as we arrived at GC Flight, a Las Vegas and Grand Canyon tour company specializing in helicopter, airplanes, and motor coaches to and from the Arizona landmark. I should have known better than to think we were going to spend the majority of the day going to and from Arizona in a truck even though it wouldn’t have been absolutely fun and hilarious to have done so with Mike and all of his playfulness. To save us the lengthy trip, we’d be heading out in a top of the line helicopter.

“I take it you’ve never been in a helicopter before?” Dante chuckled as I hesitantly walked through the terminal. He was nearly pulling me along by the way of my elbow. I asked just about every question possible while the actual owner of the company ran down all of the rules and guidelines to our trip. He described it as no different than a flight but I beg to differ; smaller aircraft and far less likability to live it we should crash.

“I haven’t. Don’t even say that there’s a first time for everything because I don’t believe in that shit.” His laughter wasn’t as infectious as it usually is. I couldn’t muster up even a chuckle as my eyes locked on the neon red helicopter we’d be sitting inside of within a minute or so.

“It’s going to be fine. I’d never put you in harms way.” He squeezed my arm. “Helicopters are cool as shit. You fly low enough to be able to see sights. You can’t do that while on a plane. Besides, this ride is only forty five minutes. That beats a four hour drive. You’re going to love it.”

The fifty milligrams of Zoloft I swallowed down this morning did nothing to calm my nerves as the three amigos cheerily encouraged me to hop onboard. Though there were six forward facing passenger seats with more than enough room for us to sit and lounge apart, Dante took a seat next to me while Fredrick and Mike planted themselves directly behind it. I was locked into my seatbelt, wearing headgear, as well as a headset before all of them. Fredrick suggested I chew gum and I immediately took him up on the offer. While Dante held both of my hands, Mike’s were grasping my shoulders and gently massaging them in hopes to ease my mind as we listened to the pilot’s safety briefing. His usage of the words danger, risk, threat, and accident just about worsened my fears. Him mentioning all of them with a smile on his face felt like I was sitting in front of the grim reaper.

“Trust me. I’ll never let anything happen to you. Besides, if Mike’s here, then you know we’re alright. That man’s scared of everything. He’s a pussy.”

“Aye, fuck you you longed face bitch.”

His response sparked the laughter I needed to calm just a few of the bad nerves tormenting me but overall, it was his immense hands squeezing mine that served at the soother during take off. They were nearly as soft as mine, with just a bit of roughness that had to be the result of his basketball playing and the feeling of them enclosed around my own set quickly became one that I didn’t want to rid myself of.

“The sights are great already. Look.”

From the oversized windows, we could already see an aerial view of the infamous Las Vegas strip. Had it been nighttime, we would have been able to be dazzled by the endless amount of lights, but the visual was still incredible nonetheless. Our pilot served as a tour guide and along the route he pointed out the mighty Hoover Dam and it’s power plant turbines. My Mr. Wikipedia served as the historian who explained it’s original name, Great Depression construction, the impounding of Lake Mead, and lastly the states in which the dam generators provides power for. I’d taken out my camera to get as many shots of it as possible and continued to capture shots as we moved over Lake Mead, Fortification Hill, the Colorado River, and the Mike O’Callaghan-Pat Tillman Memorial Bridge.

Upon our arrival to the canyon, the pilot flew around it so we’d be able to take in every single aspect of it from above and then we descended just about four thousand feet below it’s rim and landed at a private site in the heart of the Hualapai Indian territory. We were supposed to pop open a complimentary bottle of champagne to celebrate but instead we chose to hike around. Though weather conditions were absolutely arid, there was a warm and yet soothing rusty and gusty wind faintly sweeping through to make our journey a tad bit easier.

For the simple minded, we were observing far too much dirt and rocks purposelessly sitting in the middle of nowhere, but as I took it all in, I couldn’t help but to be in awe of nature’s artwork. The carvings, sandstone flanks, and rusted deep slopes covered by olive shaded trees all served as the means to beautify such a rugged location. As we walked, I lightly ran my fingers over the barren red rocks and the green leaves springing out of the jagged walls. The canyon served as yet another reminder of how beautiful the earth is despite such ugliness from arguably it’s greatest enemy; us human beings.

“This is beautiful; pointless but beautiful. How long has this been here?” Mike voice his opinion loud enough for the three of us to hear and I quickly turned to look at Dante because he typically always has the fun facts about whatever location we visit. I don’t expect him to fail us today.

“Eh. Studies have said maybe five to six million years. For thousands of those years Indians occupied this area. They built their own settlements within the canyon and it’s caves. Some even considered this to be a holy site and would make pilgrimages here.”

“Dante’s the only person who paid attention in his history courses.”

Mike raided my backpack while cracking jokes about his friend and within seconds the three friends were trailing ahead of me. I used the time to put my camera to use and instead of taking photographs of the sights surrounding me, I focused the lens on their chemistry. Had I never met any of them and was just observing, I’d easily be able to notice how extensive of a history they have and how much of a tight knit bond they cherish within their brotherhood. The loud outburst of laughter, the way they completely grant one another attention no matter who is speaking, without interruption, is admirable. Mike is even granted a respectable silence for his jokes. Fredrick often drapes his arm over Dante’s shoulder and it’s no different at this very moment. Given his hostility with his family, it’s relieving to see him have an extended one in those two as well as Stacey. They not only keep him grounded and humble but also contributes to his overall contentment.

“Autumn, stop being paparazzi and catch up!” The flicker was louder than I thought it was.

“Lets hike up there.” I pointed at a peak not too far away that would take a bit of trek up and Mike immediately shook his head.

“Nah. I’m already near death. You go up there and we’ll be right here waiting.”

“Come on. I’ll go. Fred, wait here with lazy.” Dante gripped my shoulder as I quickly took off my backpack and left it with the two just in case they wanted snacks and also so I’d have less weight on me going up. Throughout the climb, he used his long and lean legs to walk ahead but our hands being laced gave me the advantage of being pulled up by his strength. He showed no sign of exhaustion once we were exactly where I wanted to be; unlike myself. The heat already had a headache arising in the most sensitive parts of my head. I’m a faux runner but I’m no athlete. Dante runs and is moving around this place like he’s a Usain Bolt and Lebron James hybrid.

“This is perfect for photos.”

“Drink some water.” He twisted the cap off of my water bottle himself and I swallowed down what became warm water within a half an hour of us being out here. It didn’t do much to cool me off but I suppose it quenched my light thirst.

“What made you think of here as a place to come? Because it’s close to Vegas?”

He stepped aside as I lifted the Nikon camera up and aligned the viewfinder with my left eye. An eagle was my target and I captured his essence as it soared through the air with precision like the majestic beast that it is often portrayed as. The sun beamed down on his pearly white head; as he nearly blended in with the white clouds as he continued to weave in between them.

“It’s peaceful out here; hot as hell but peaceful.”

“So you’ve been here before.”

“Yes.” As the eagle passed, I focused on the clouds. I’ve never seen them so clear….so clarified. As the fainting sun cast it’s rays down upon them, it created the perfect hue of scarlet. The setting sun is always my belief of heaven touching earth for less than an hour out the day.

“Why did you need peace? What’s on your mind?”

“Home. I spoke with my sister-in-law this morning and she’s beginning the process for in vitro fertilization again and Matthew’s giving her a hard time. He needs to give a few more samples and he’s putting off the process and she called crying to me to convince him to do so. She doesn’t ask for much. She’s not a difficult wife and she puts up with that man’s shit though she doesn’t need to. She should have divorced him a long time ago as far as I’m concerned but I can’t make that decision for her. She continues to stand by him despite his shit. Now she wants a baby. That’s all she wants and it’s a whatever type of situation to him.” Oh I know that feeling. I know it well. Andreas and I had the baby conversation a number of times and each time he’d do his best to explain to me how we weren’t ready for parenthood without ever giving me a solid excuse for why. Honestly, I wanted a child to fill the void that he left with me. At least I wouldn’t be alone. In the beginning, I imagined us as a beautiful family, living a traditional life, and being something like those from the famous family oriented television shows. The more he shut the idea down, the less I thought it and I eventually let it go. Now I can’t even picture myself as a mother or the point in my life when I’ll be in the best place possible to be one.

“That’s tough. There are women out there who don’t want to have children and that’s absolutely fine, but for those who do, that’s one of the most important goals in their lives. It’s special, fulfilling, and full circle, honestly. It’s the greatest gift two people can ever receive so the pain that she’s feeling is intense.”

“I know. I could barely make out what she was saying through those tears. I want that for Camille because she doesn’t ask for much but Matthew would rather shower her in materialistic shit and go about his business. Talking to that man is like me standing out here and talking to the ground. Nothing gets through to him until he’s in some shit and it barely gets through then. He’s bullheaded. Always has been.”

“Sounds like Isaac.”

“No. Your brother’s no Matthew.”

“He’s not too far off. Believe me. Despite his success, he got his shit together not too long ago. This clean cut, focused, and reserved Isaac is a reformed version of himself.” As I turned my body to face Dante, the sight of him standing there gazing out at the scenery was far more beautiful than anything I’d capture since our helicopter ride over here. The way the remaining streaks of sunlight cast down upon him while the garnish of pinks and oranges reflected on his vanilla glimmering skin was enough to leave me breathless. He overpowered nature’s beauty and stood amongst it like a sovereign; the most alluring and selfless kind. A one of one; him and him only.

“Well I applaud him for getting it together. Matthew’s too arrogant for that. The best way to resolve an issue within your life, no matter what it is, is to understand and admit that there is an issue. The man carries himself like he’s God’s gift to mankind and he gets it from Richard. They’re one in the same.”

“Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom in order for a change to spark within their lives. That may be your brother’s fate. You can’t change him nor can she. At best, you can encourage Camille to live her life and do what’s best for herself. If sticking by him is that, well, you have to allow her to do that. She loves him but I hope she loves herself more.”

“I agree with you.” The sound of the shutter caused him to glance in my direction and he chuckled as I quickly snapped a shot of his face.

“What else is on your mind?”

“Right now?” Though I switched my position so I’d be standing behind him, he turned to face me. “Nothing but this moment.”

“Not what had you quiet in the car?” He reached for my camera and I quickly pulled it out of his reach. “You’re always taking the pictures. It’s my turn.”

“That’s already resolved. It’s not on my mind anymore.” He reached once again. “You’ve taken enough. You officially have more photos of me than my mother does. I promise you.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“For her it is.” He gave up and instead reached for his iPhone. “Stay just like that. Don’t move.”

Had it been anyone else, I would have defiantly moved or dodged the camera but for him I froze exactly the way he requested me to do so and he capture me in the manner that he wanted. ‘A little to the left, slightly to the right, turn just a bit, look away, sit down, and look at me.’ I did all of it for him without protest as I basked in the beauty of him and our surroundings. The bombardment of colors casting across the skyline were beyond what Picasso or Vincent van Gogh could create. The man standing here with me? Only by God’s hands. There’s no denying I’m standing in the midst of his eminence.

“What’s on your mind?”

“What’s next for me.” That’s been on my mind more than anything else these days, which isn’t surprising. That’s where my mind should have been a long time ago but I held out hope for a resolution within the impossible. Now I’m left to figure it out alone. I’m no longer within those teen years where everyone’s tossing guidance and advice my way while happily standing on the sidelines to encourage me to keep going while I figure myself out. Sure I have a bit of it here and there, but I’ve reached the age where my focus needs to be solid. It’s going to take quite a bit of building myself up but the struggle to get there is to be expected and I deserve it. I’ve began to skimming through online applications for a couple of universities and I’ve reached out to NYU and UCLA for my transcripts. I need a few recommendations and I’m dreading trying to figure out who to ask and the accelerated programs that I’ve been checking out are strenuous. Harvard is the only Ivy League school that offers students who have completed at least two years of college to complete their degree through an assortment of online classes and approximately four three or seven week courses or active weekend courses on the university’s campus. The thought of applying there feels like I’m shooting myself in the head each time. I’ve checked out NYU and even Rutgers New Brunswick though I don’t want my mother involved. All of it is one big ball of confusion that I cannot continue to avoid no matter how much I try to.

“Do you know what’s next?”

“I’m slowly but surely figuring it out.” Suddenly his body was along side mine and he peered down at me in understanding. “That’s a start right?”

“Of course it is. That’s more than a start. I’d like to believe you already know what you want. You’re just analyzing the path that you need to take to get there.”

“Yeah. The adjustments as well. I suppose school is first.”

“Do you know where you want to go?”

“Uh. I’ve been checking out some schools.” He snickered at my hesitance to name them.

“Which schools? I wouldn’t be a Columbia Lion if I didn’t pitch to you how great of a school it is. You should check it out. I think you’d be a good fit there. You like New York City and you’d still be close to home. You can probably get an apartment in Manhattan so your commute won’t be extra hard. You were the Valedictorian at your high school and were on the Dean’s List both years you were in college. You’re getting in.” My eyes widened as he listed off those facts and I quickly glanced up at him in confusion. I never told him that.

“Who told you that?”

“Isaac.” He laughed out loud at my facial expression and widened his already huge eyes. “What? You think I did a background check on you or something? How else would I have known? He mentioned that while speaking to me about your permanent position.”

“Oh really? Says Mr. Accepted Into Every Ivy League School St. James.”

“Who told you that?”

“Google.” It was my turn to laugh but I wasn’t alone while doing so. He joined in. I didn’t search through page after page in hopes of pulling up every bit of information I could find on him. He was honored inside of the Harvard Business Review magazine and they had an extensive biography on him which included that information.

“Well as I said, you can get into any school that you want to get into. Just apply. Don’t doubt yourself. You have no reason to whatsoever.”

“What if that causes me to have to walk away from working with you?”

Silence fell between us as we continued to observe the sky’s retreating pigments as they battled the beginnings of the nighttime’s midnight blue pushing it’s way through the surface. The visual seemingly signified the question I’d asked him. A dark cloud loomed over my thoughts as I imagined having to walk away from what has been the source of my peace for the past couple of months.

“Walking away from the job doesn’t mean that you’re walking away from me. Right?” Our eyes met one another and he wrapped an arm around my shoulders to draw my body closer. His eyes held an anxiousness for a response and I wrapped my arm around his back until my hand met his side. My soft squeezing sparked his infectious smile.

“Right.”

“Alright then. So we’ll be fine. Besides, Columbia’s right there. We’ll be practically neighbors. We’ll see one another everyday.”

“Who says I’m going to Columbia?” I quickly sucked my teeth as he laughed ridiculously loudly and he playfully shrugged his shoulders at my question.

“All I’m saying is, I’m only writing a recommendation letter for Columbia.”

My jaw dropped at his stubbornness and he wrapped my body into the biggest bear hug as he continued to laugh at what I know for a fact he’s serious about. Columbia slipped out of my thoughts as I became a drunken woman by the way of his intoxicating scent. The warmth of his body engulfed me and I submitted myself to his world for however long he intended to keep me in his arms.

“We have to go back. I’m sure they’re tired of waiting.”

“They’re not standing out there. They walked away while we were walking up here. We’re fine.”

His head rested on top of mine while my head rested in the nape of his neck as we stood there welcoming the stars.

Tom Ford.

I’d chosen the handsome American designer’s designs for my attire this evening. The short black and long sleeved embellished dress and the matching thigh high open toe boots were amongst the final gifts I received from Shane. Though I was still married, he continued to encourage me to get out there and live my life instead of choosing to sulk in my empty home. During his visits, he’d become my bad influence of a life coach and we’d have “Siblings Gone Wild” weekends in the best hole in the wall clubs around Miami. My brother was too indie and eclectic to be partying inside of establishments on Collins Avenue or Eleventh Street. Given his ability to network and have friends all over the place, he was able to find these spots and he’d drag me out of the house in the sexiest attire he could coerce me into and we’d be partying until the wee hours of the morning and then would find a spot to eat the greasiest pizza ever before making our way back to my house and crashing in the living room. The Tom Ford pieces were shipped to my home while he was out in Paris enjoying himself and at the bottom of a note card covered in messages of love in French, he told me to tuck it into the back of my closet and be ready to wear it the next time we were together. He sent it to uplift my spirits. He never made it to Miami, because I met him in New York. I never wore it while out with him because he was dead within two days of my arrival. Tonight, I choose to wear it in honor of him and what he constantly encouraged me to do; live my life. He’d be applauding me with the most exaggerated compliments and showering me with endless hugs if he were here. If he wasn’t encouraging me to shine, he’d always push for me to soar. Given the embellishment of my chosen attire for the evening, I’d say I’m in for a night of shining courtesy of him. I hope I make him proud and that tonight’s festivities turn out to be as great as a night out with him would be.

The final touch to complete everything was the result of me starring at myself in the mirror for nearly ten minutes. While covered in black from my darkened hair down to the boots covering a portion of my thigh all the way down to my feet, I couldn’t decide if I should go with a nude lip or a bold red lip. Nude would tone everything down a bit and work with the natural glow I had going on once I completed my make up and the red would be a fiery pop of color needed for a statement. After looking between the two once more, I coated my lips with the red. It’s perfect for Vegas nightlife.

We’re in the lobby. Don’t rush. Just letting you know.

After opening Dante’s text message, I tossed my phone into the clutch bag I wish I didn’t have to carry this evening and I exited the bathroom for the final time. Though I was assured that I didn’t need to bring anything other than myself, I still double checked to make sure I had cash, my debit and credit cards, and most of all, the room keys. I can’t count how many times Heather and I have locked ourselves out of our hotel rooms and had to do the tipsy or sometimes drunken walk of shame down to the lobby for assistance. I don’t want that to have to be my fate tonight. It’s funny with Heather, but it won’t be as hilarious in front of the three gentlemen I’d be hanging out with tonight. Well, Mike would find it funny because he tends to find the funny in everything.

“Good to go.” I said it out loud to stop stalling myself and I finally made my exit while resisting one last visit to the mirror to make sure I wasn’t over or underdone. God knows I’m no where near perfect but I’d at least like to look presentable the majority of the time. That’s a rule by my mother and it’s been passed down by the women in her family from generation to generation. These past two years, I’ve certainly disregarded that and allowed my illness and depression to be the reason for my lack of care for my external appearance. I didn’t feel beautiful so there was no need to attempt to look it. Hell, I still don’t necessarily feel beautiful but I do feel like I’m regaining a lot of my sense of self and that’s a start. Besides that, there are boxes and boxes worth of unworn clothing that I need to put to use. I’d be damned if I just let it sit in the basement collecting dust because it’s a reminder of my time in Miami. Though a lot of it is a few years old; some recent; nothing in fashion is dated as far as I’m concerned. I’ll make every single piece work in some type of way.

The wait for the elevator was no more than a minute, though I expected to wait longer because of the traffic in and out of this place. Once it’s doors opened, I stepped on and was met with the eyes of a man most likely within his early thirties standing on the opposite side of it. Luckily for me, there were a set of buttons on my side as well as and I didn’t have to step into his personal space to press the button for the lobby. While resting against the wall, I did my best to avoid the eye contact that he so badly attempted to get by adjusting his eager position not once but twice, in such an audacious manner. My stomach churned at the sense of his eyes trailing over every aspect of me; undressing and eye fucking me while foolishly covered in a Miami Heat jersey. That’s what made it ironic but mostly ridiculous.

“I’ve seen you before.”

“Have you?” I gazed at the small screen signifying each floor we were surpassing as we descended to the lobby. It baffled me that no one had cause it to stop on a specific floor just yet.

“Yeah. I’m sure I have. I never forget when I see women as beautiful as yourself. You’re married to a Miami Heat player. I’ve seen you. I go to Miami all the time and I’m a big fan of the team.” I knew the NBA Summer League was in town. I’d seen a couple of signs upon arrival, there was a flier amongst the brochures inside of my suite, and Andreas would always fly out here for a day or two to check out the rookies in action before the season. I didn’t think much of it because I truly don’t care and something within me is telling me that he’s not in Vegas anyway. He has a pregnant fiancée to tend to and the summer league isn’t apart of his contract.

Up until now, I haven’t been approached, or awkwardly called out about who they know or believe I am until now. There’s only been a few stares here and there but I’ve grown accustomed to that. That’s been apart of my fate since I sealed it in Los Angeles.

“I’m not married.” My shoulders shrugged as I told him the truth and silence momentarily flushed out the conversation as he did his best to analyze my response.

“You’re not married to one of the players?”

“No.”

“I’ve seen you. I swear I have. I think I even remember what you had on. Game six against the Spurs. You were court side wearing pink.” My lips slightly fell apart at his vivid memory of my bright magenta Gucci attire. I attended all seven games that series; even the ones in San Antonio. Though we were fighting like hell, I still traveled with Andreas and showed up to the American Airlines Arena at home to support he and the team. The Heat won the championship in a ninety five to eighty eight victory over the Spurs. By then, I was far more happy to see Lebron and Bosh get their second rings and Wade his third, over my husband winning his second straight. What I remember most about that championship is being left to look on as the families of those players rushed to the court to shower their Heat heroes with love and praise and a congratulatory job well done. They were covered in confetti while excitedly putting on championship gear over their clothing while I was left off on the sideline to look on. I never got a chance to kiss him in the manner that the other wives kissed their husbands. He immersed himself into the celebration without ever looking for me and I was granted the coldest kiss on the cheek as he sprinted past with his team to head into the locker room to further their celebration by being doused in champagne. Not even the Spurs and their mopey demeanor could identify with what I felt as I left that arena alone that night.

“Mhm. I was there. I was a fan of the team.”

“Was?”

“Mhm.”

“Well what team do you enjoy now?”

“None of them.”

I mentally thanked the man above for his sudden blessing as the two doors slid apart and the pressure within chest ceased. My feet were moving at the same quickened pace of my mind as I quickly exited the elevator and turned the corner. I didn’t expect to be followed by the man but I also didn’t want to move slowly enough for him to further his investigation. A quick Google search would have given him all of the answers he was looking for and I would have been forced to be rude or to put forth my best effort at ignoring the hell out of him. His determination was alarming. I’ve never had anyone ask me that many questions about my ex-husband and our marriage within six years we were together. I’d been offered to appear on multiple platforms throughout our time together and I turned down every single opportunity because I didn’t want the fame nor did I want to leave a bad taste in his mouth. Now that has doubled along with the price tag and I’m still not interested. The less I hear or say about him, the better. Amber can enjoy it.

My eyes landed on the three men I’d been searching for were and they were idly standing amongst one another and sharing a laugh while glancing at whatever was happening outside of the entry doors. Dante was the only one out of the three semi dressed up. Because of the blistering Vegas heat, he opted for white attire from head to toe. The chambray fabric of his button down shirt rested against the build of his upper body beautifully and the the pants were the perfect match. On his feet happened to be one of my favorite pair of casual sneakers to see on a man; the “Torino” model by Buttero. I’d gotten Isaac two pairs for Christmas and though he critiqued them early on, he appreciates them now. You can easily dress them up or dress them down and they work in such a stylish manner. Given how well dressed Dante is, it’s not surprising to see him giving them a go. What I enjoy most about his style is the lack of contrived attempts. No matter what he has on, he always oozes a confidence that allows one to think that he doesn’t belong in anything else within that moment. Right now, this is arguably the best I’ve seen him and I’ve yet to see him look anything other than on point. My lip had been pulled in-between my teeth since I set my sight on him and I’d finally been caught in Mike’s peripheral. The smirk on his face was all too knowing.

“She arrives.”

Our eyes didn’t meet in the way I craved for them to. Instead I was left to watch him gulp down nothing but air as he took in the moment; our moment. His intense glare trailed over every single aspect of my frame; while I bashfully shrunk and mentally melted under the ferocity. His mouth fell agape while a hint of air escaped and exhaled past his lush pink lips and into the atmosphere. If looks could kill, I would have killed over no less than three times. A part of me desired to throw a trench coat over all of it, run upstairs, and start all over and the other half figured that I might as well go through with it.

“Sheesh Autumn! You didn’t have to kill it like that. Damn.” Fredrick’s eyes widened as Dante peeled his eyes away from me and glanced in his direction. The blank expression on his face was all too amusing because it’s clear that the man can’t stand obnoxiousness from anyone and though the comment was towards me, it still irritated him.

“Right Fred. Who are you wearing that for?”

Mike’s smirk grew even bigger and he purposefully and foolishly wiggled his eyebrows to pester me.

“Myself.”

“That’s it?”

“Of course. It’s for me. If anyone else should enjoy it, that’s a bonus right?”

“Looks enjoyable for sure.” Dante elbowed Fredrick in his side for yet another shameless comment or rather compliment and he boldly laughed while slapping Dante on his back. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think he was saying all of those things to purposefully irritate him.

“Shall we gentlemen?” My arm extended to point ahead.

I walked behind all three of them as we made our exit and instead of driving, we were separated. Dante and I were in the back of a chauffeured Mercedes Benz alone to my surprise. Fredrick and Mike were in back of the SUV in front of us.

“Why didn’t we just go together?”

“Just in case we leave at separate times. Fredrick is usually the last person to leave the club out of the three of us. That’s his environment. He’s not in them as much because he’s in a relationship and I sort of think he’s outgrowing the habit but there are times when he likes to purposefully be a stubborn ass; especially when people point out that he’s changing. I’m not sure why. He found love, which is a great thing. He most likely hates the idea of people tying his change strictly to her but I don’t do that. He’s just growing up. It’s about damn time.”

“Sometimes guys fear losing themselves in the process of committing to person. He’ll get over that. She’s clearly a great woman if he’s making adjustments in his life to suit himself and her in the process.”

“She is. I like her.” He nodded his head to go along with his statement while fidgeting with his fingers as his hands rested in his lap. I’d been staring out of the window since making myself comfortable in the backseat and I’d probably be doing so until our very short ride to Omnia comes to an end. I figured if I focused on Vegas’ luminous lighting and only gave him eye contact when he spoke, I’d save myself the distress of refraining from glancing over his entire being repeatedly. I’d done it more than enough for the evening and would most likely be absentmindedly doing so while we lost ourselves into the hectic flow of the nightclub.

“Autumn.”

“Yeah?”

“You look…” Nice. He’s going to tell me I look nice and I’m going to combust into a fit of nonsensical blushing. “Incredibly sexy tonight. Seriously.”

The skin is the largest organ apart of the human body and every inch of mine viciously tingled in response to his dauntless compliment. My heart beat erratically in my chest while my stomach filled with an onslaught of flutters and tightening beyond my control. I couldn’t find my voice and my lightly blush covered cheeks flushed with warmth. As his potent eyes met mine, I could feel my heart beating in my throat. My body transitioned from an exhilarating rush of emotions to a state of numbness because he’d snatched every part of me with just four words.

“Thank you. You too.” His raspy and gruff voice erupted into a light laughter and it ended with a smirk that weakened my knees though I was sitting. He ruined my comfort. Now I wanted to do nothing more than sprint from the car and walk the rest of the way.

“You’re too polite. You don’t have to pay someone a compliment just because they’ve given you one.”

“But it was a compliment and the truth. The white against your skin is just right.” I refused to look into his eyes again while being so close in proximity of him. I’d no longer be responsible for my actions as the spell of his enchantment moved me to attempt just a few seconds of what I now spend my nights dreaming of. I am caught in his web and he doesn’t even know it nor should he know it. This isn’t supposed to be happening. I’ve crossed all of the boundaries between the two of us while my mind, body, and soul is urging me to push forward and step over the forbidden threshold of the final few that are left. His patience and understanding from our very first encounter with one another engulfed all of me and left him indented on my mind. I’m foolish so it’s of no surprise to me that this is happening on my end but it’s absolutely mind boggling that I’m yet again tampering with my growth in the eyes of my family and friends by walking on the edge of disappointment again. The man is out of my league much like Andreas was and I’m starting to believe I’m drawn to that type of shit. I desire what I cannot and should not have; I enjoy the chase. I’m fairly knew to the crushing concept. Only one other man has gotten me to that point and I only briefly dated him and ended up vowing my life to him. I’ll be damned if I do that again; literally.

“Thank you.”

We wallowed in the intensity of our commentary and thoughts until the sedan came to a halt outside of the nightclub. I didn’t bother waiting for the driver to open the door to make my exit. I’d opened the door and exited the car at the same exact time as he did. I needed the fresh air to calm my stomach so the contents I’d consumed at SW Steakhouse for dinner wouldn’t come flying out of my mouth.

We skipped the line as I expected given the clout all three of them have no matter wherever they are. I was guided inside of the nightclub with Dante’s left hand firmly pressed to the small of my back and we were guided to an upper level VIP area away from the congested dance floor and never-ending traffic heading to and from the strobe light covered bar. They never requested anything by mouth; well at least not from what I noticed. We’d only been sitting for five minutes and bottles of top quality champagne, vodka, cognac, and mixers were being carried over to the table. I’d lost count of how many varieties there were and was even more confused when out everything left for our disposal, Dante and Mike chose Hennessy. At no point has he switched it up and I didn’t know Mike enjoyed it just as much. Fredrick’s a vodka man. As far as myself? I’m a whatever has a fruity flavor type of drinker. I chose to babysit a glass of Ciroc coconut with pineapple juiced mixed in it.

I couldn’t make out the dance floor. People were dancing to the sounds Calvin Harris was spinning from wall to wall. I could barely see him though his booth was raised up high enough for a clear view of him. The lightening stimulated my eyes like a rave; slowing down the movements of all the bodies while flashing each twist, turn, fist pump, and grind repeatedly. The techno and house music wasn’t my flavor for the evening but the alcohol urged me to bop my head and shimmy in my seat while meshed into Dante’s side while he observed the scene. With every sip of his drink, I knew he was taking mental notes for the sake of his client and his own plans for expansion. He’d do that for a few minutes and then he’d fairly return his attention to me by either smiling or squeezing my side. Eventually, we were standing and glancing over the balcony to observe the first floor and I gained the attention of all three of them as well shared playful commentary and laughter about the drunken offbeat dancing and sexual hooks happening. I’d never seen so many strangers randomly making out with one another in my life; not even during those two years of college.

“You enjoying yourself?” His warm breath swarmed my ear while his sultry tone invaded it and I nodded my head before gulping down the amazing drink Mike slid in my direction. He called it a “Zombie” or something along those lines. It’s apricot, orange juice, and rum mixture was superior to the Ciroc I was enjoying a while ago.

“I am. I always have fun with you. Who knew that the quiet business man could be so outgoing?”

“I have fun with those I enjoy having fun with. So you get a bit of credit there as well.”

“You give me too much credit.”

“I don’t think I give you enough, honestly.” He’d done it again. Instead of the goosebumps and stomach flutters, he heightened the warmth the vodka and rum filled my body with and my nipples stiffened against the embellished material covering parts of me.

“There’s nothing more to credit me for.”

“Is that what you think? Well, you’re wrong.”

As he closed the inch of space between our bodies, I took a step back and bumped into a half-drunk Mike who was rocking back and forth to Justin Timberlake’s “Rock Your Body”. He’d taken my mistake as a request to dance and he swiftly wrapped his left arm around my shoulders and swayed the both of us back and forth.

“Let’s go Autumn!” Dante awaited my next move. It was either him or Mike within that moment and I chose the man who’d leave me in one piece. I turned around in his embrace and threw my arm across his shoulder and rocked to the early two thousands hit. Him knowing all of the lyrics to the song and singing it with such a drunken slur made it so much more comedic. The laughter subsided the lust. The dancing filtered out the tension.

We were five songs into a random Timberlake set and we’d gone from trying to imitate Justin to shimmying our shoulders to “Like I Love You”. There was no way I wasn’t dancing to that one. It brought me back to the nights when Heather and I would be running around getting ready to take the campus and the outskirts of Los Angeles by a storm throughout the weekends. Justin was a heavy part of our playlists. We went to see the FutureSex/LoveShow in Madison Square Garden together in two thousand and six.

At the end of the song, I turned around to find Dante and the warmth within my body chilled at the sight of him speaking with a woman I hadn’t seen since we’d been at the nightclub. His back was to me so I couldn’t read much within his facial expressions or body language but hers said it all. The gleam in her bright blue eyes and the way she toyed with her platinum blonde hair while nodding her head to whatever he was saying to her ignited a feeling within my body that was all too familiar over the past couple of years of my life. I tensed while my lips tightened and no matter how much I wanted to shake it off, I couldn’t. I had no right and yet I couldn’t win the ridiculous battle against the unspoken resentment I chose to inflict upon him for doing what any single man has the right to do.

“She’s business.”

“What?” It wasn’t Mike in my ear. It was Fredrick, who’d been extremely mellow throughout the night. Dante’s right when he talks about him outgrowing places like this. If anything, he’s going to be the first person to go.

“She’s business. She’s one of the co-owners of this place. They’ve been trying to get Dante to buy into Omnia for a while now but he’s not interested so at this point, they just want to partner with A&M for representation and he’s not interested in that either. He’s not checking for her like that. Actually, he’s not checking for her at all.”

“It doesn’t matter if he is or if he isn’t.”

“I think it does. Why else would you be staring over there with so much tension radiating from your body? Dante only wants one woman in this room and it’s damn sure not her. I don’t think you need me to help you figure out who that woman is.”

My hand gripped the glassed filled the “Zombie” and I gulped down the majority of it.

“Alcohol doesn’t decrease your desires. It enhances them.” His sly chuckle as he stepped back nearly made me want to toss the rest of the contents inside of the glass on the floor. To say I felt exposed would have been an understatement. I couldn’t stand to look at the smug expression on his face any longer so I wandered off to find the bathroom so I could get some of the alcohol off of my bladder.

I spent ten minutes in the bathroom and another five standing downstairs in an attempt to clear my mind and straighten out my thoughts. In moments like this, I’d be texting Heather so she could either say some imbecilic advice or a joke to get me going but I know if I texted her right now, she’d only lash out at me for denying the truth she was attempting to provide me with earlier and she’d hang up. In addition to that, I’d be waking her up and she hates when she’s woken up; especially if it’s not for an emergency so I’ll refrain from doing that until tomorrow. She’d tell me to put my big girl thongs on and handle my shit anyway.

My eyes could barely remain focused on the sights in front of me as I crept up the steps. Each huff from my mouth allowed my nose to understand just how much alcohol I’d consumed and my slightly dazed expression told the story. I saw myself in the bathroom’s mirror while other women in my predicament either complimented or lusted over my attire. While standing and observing the flooded dance floor, two different guys flirted with me within that five minute time frame and I felt absolutely nothing. It was by far the most annoying interaction I’d encountered throughout the night and it was because of them that I decided to come back upstairs in the first place. Now as the man in my dreams comes into view, I wish I’d stayed. Why the hell couldn’t I enjoy the flirting or set my eyes on some attractive man out on the dance floor so I could know that what I’m feeling is nothing more than suppressed teenage antics.

“Where were you?”

“Bathroom.”

“All this time?” He placed his hand on my shoulder and narrowed his eyes.

“Yeah and I was looking out on the dance floor for the hell of it. Now, here I am.”

“You ready to go?”

“Yes.”

I was hoping he’d say that. All I want to do is return to my suite, strip out of everything, sit in the shower for two hours, and sleep the alcohol off. Actually no, I don’t want to go to sleep. I want the shower, the comfortable robe, a order of wings from the twenty four hour room service and a black and white film. I’ll take a nap later or I’ll sleep when I’m in Miami for the week for Heather’s bachelorette party, wedding rehearsals, rehearsal dinner, and the actual wedding. He’ll be in New York and I’ll be far too busy to be consumed with thoughts of him all damn day and salacious dreams of him all damn night.

“Okay. Let’s go back to the hotel.”

We left without bidding the other part of our group goodbyes. He’d already told them we were going to leave before even knowing if I’d say yes or not. Our ride back to the hotel was filled with him questioning if I was okay. He’s immune to Hennessy. I’m sure of it. While walking into the lobby his stance never faltered. His gigantic eyes remained their normal size. The mint in his mouth didn’t even mesh with the cognac. It over powered it. How the hell is he like that? He’s an enigma; some type of paradox. I’m being tested and I’ve been tested enough. Give me a break!

“The doors won’t close if you continue standing in-between them. Come here.” I stood in-between the doors of the elevator because I contemplated catching the second one so I could get away from him sooner. Now that his arm is around my waist and drawing me inside, I should have. I should have taken the stairs. Walking up like fifty floors would have been better. Fifty? Wait, where is my room?

“You enjoyed yourself tonight?”

“You have a high tolerance for alcohol.”

“I only had two glasses. I wasn’t in a drinking mood.”

I could no longer hear whatever he was saying to me as I looked into his eyes. Self-control and my sense of self evaporated while faint tremors and an aching desire overwhelmed me. I needed to know what it’d feel like. I want to know if it’s as magical as it seems within my dreams. The softness; the warmness. Just one time.

Just once.

I placed my hand to his smooth cheek and enclosed my lips around his own.

I’ve never felt more alive.

What trickled through the blinds wasn’t the morning sunlight. I can sleep through that. The peak of the early afternoon sun is what’s leaving my eyes and head in agony no matter how many pillows I cover my head with. As my mind began to trickle out the remaining images of my erotic dream, a large huff slipped past my lips as I soaked up the warmth of the covers and the plushness of the mattress. I inhaled to prepare for a few breathing exercises I tend to do when I’m trying to rid myself of a headache, and I nearly tossed the pillow across the room due to all too familiar scent that has absolutely nothing to do with my own. My eyes flew open and I quickly sat up and glanced around at the unfamiliar surroundings. The Air Jordans next to the chair on the opposite side of the room confirmed what I was praying wasn’t true was indeed the truth. In the chair were the Tom Ford boots I’d danced around Omnia in. My eyes nervously panned down and I noticed my dress was still on. The zipper was still up.

My hand flew up to my head as I did my best to recall last night’s festivities.

We went to the club. I know that. We hung out. We drank. I walked around I believe. Mike and I danced or maybe we didn’t. No, we did. We definitely did. What time did we leave?

As I swung my feet over and planted them on the floor, I glanced over at the nightstand and saw my clutch bag and a note on top of it.

Peaches,

We left out to check out two properties. You were sleeping so peacefully and you hardly ever sleep, so I wasn’t going to wake you. Don’t be mad at me. Order some room service, but don’t get anything too heavy. We’re going out for pizza when I get back; just you and I. There’s a great spot in the area. See you in a bit.

Dante and I left together. It was just us. We came back to the hotel. We were on the elevator. It was just us. Who pressed the button for the floors? Was it me? We were talking on the elevator. I kissed him and then…

I kissed him.

I ran my hand down my face as frustration filled my body. I kissed the man and I don’t even understand how I got to that point.

Did he kiss me back?

I dreamed about giving myself to him with him next to me?

I could scream.

Why am I always the aggressor? Why can’t I just wait for someone to be interested enough in me to approach me, flirt, ask me out on a date or two, and finally kiss me. Isn’t that how these things go? It happens for Heather that way. It happens for Rachel that way. It happened between my brother and Lauren that way. I’ve heard my parents love story more times than I’ve wanted to and it happened that way and here I am throwing myself at someone…again.

As I placed the note along side me, I grabbed my clutch bag, unzipped it and grabbed my phone. I had missed calls from both of my parents and Rachel. I didn’t bother returning any of those. Instead, I went to my call log and tapped the number I certainly needed to be calling. While fiddling with the note, I listened to three long form rings until there was a connection.

“Autumn, I’m literally walking to the conference room for a meeting as I speak. Can whatever this is wait? I’ll call you when I get out of there.”

“Isaac, I quit.”

#j. cole fanfic #j. cole fanfiction #j cole fanfiction #j cole fanfic #fanfiction #fan fiction #fanfic #rihanna fanfic #rihanna fanfiction

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bornconfused444 · 7 years

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Get you a man that lies and says you’re pretty when you know you look like trash

What do you do with your plastic grocery bags after you unload your things? Reuse them as garbage bags.

Are you afraid of being electrocuted? Not really.

Have you ever slept in a water bed? Once when I was like 8.

What do you think about Britney Spears comeback? That was forever ago but she’s doing pretty good with that comeback so props to her..

Ever bite your tongue twice in a row while eating something? Not my tongue no but my cheek yes.

Do you cook your own meals or do your parents? I cook my own meals.

Did you sleep in or wake up early today? I slept in until 9 which is sleeping in for me.

How do you feel about having sex during your menstrual period? I would not want to do that. <-- I don’t do that it’s gross and messy.

How do you feel about anal sex? Not something I know about or have an interest in. <-- I know about it as in I know what it is but same, not interested..

Does your ex have a job? Probably.

Have you ever slept in a car? During long car rides. <--

Do you think the drinking age should be lowered to 18? No.

What was the last term of endearment you used (babe, hun, dear, etc)? Babe.

What were you doing the last time you were in the bathroom? Peeing.

Without naming any names, say something to somebody. I love you more than words can ever express.

How often do you use Flickr? I don’t.

Have you ever peed while on the phone? Yes.

Have you ever been on a blind date? Once it was a horrible experience.

Do you have a crush on the last person you texted? Yes my boyfriend.

Have you ever got into an argument with the last person you kissed? Yes.

Has anyone made you cry in the last 3 days? Nope I don’t think I’ve cried in the last 3 days surprisingly.

Have you ever liked somebody who was nice to you, but horrible to everyone else? Yes.

Share 3 nice memories you have of the person you fell hardest for. 1. Before we even started dating I could sort of tell that he liked me because he would drop hints about how I needed a better boyfriend and a tall boyfriend to reach shit for me, and he would show me relationship memes and I could kind of get the hint but another part of me was thinking that maybe it was just a coincidence but it wasn’t so I admitted that I liked him through Facebook Messenger and he admitted that he liked me and it was just cute and school-girlish.

2. When we hadn’t had our first kiss together yet, and he would do something silly and I would tell him to shut up, so he would say “Make me” because he wanted me to kiss him, but I was too nervous to so I said later. XD But when I did it it was like fireworks in my stomach and butterflies all at once.

3. 3. When we went on like a 3 hour long hike in the nice part of the trails around my city. It was just the perfect weather for a hike and gave us some alone time.

What did you do yesterday? I went out with the boyfriend and just did the same type of shit we always do.

How many of your Facebook friends have you kissed? Like 6.

Choose 5 friends, and briefly describe their relationship status. All are single except one who’s married.

Have you ever made any of your friends cry? Yes.

Does anyone disgust you? Yes.

Is there anything about your life at the moment that you’d like to change? I wish I was employed cause ya know been unemployed for literally like 10 months now but ya know.

Do you regret anything you’ve done in the last 7 days? Nope.

Do you keep a diary? And if you do, has anyone ever read it? I call it a journal but yes.

Tell me about the person you had your first kiss with. How do you feel about that person now? I haven’t spoken to him in like 15 years I feel nothing for him now because I haven’t spoken to him in like 15 years. XD

What would you do about someone who was sending you mixed messages? Just ask what they want and if they can’t figure it out then I would just give up.

What are the 3 unhealthiest things you’ve eaten most recently? Ramen, really buttered popcorn and BK.

How’s your appetite atm? I can’t stop eating even if I wanted to.

Is anything annoying you at the moment? Yes even though they rectified it it just pisses me off how they did it.

Out of all the conversations you’ve had recently, which one has made you smile or laugh the most? The conversation me and my boyfriend had after watching “It”.

Describe the last situation in which you found yourself feeling awkward. This afternoon when I went to see a movie with the boyfriend and one of his ex’s best friends was there.

What makes someone a good friend? someone i have a lot in common with, a good sense of humour, loyal and genuinely interested in my life vice versa. < Sure. <–Sounds good. <<< I’ll keep this going. <-- same.

Do you look decent in your most recent photograph? I don’t know I’m too lazy to check the last photo I took.

When was the last time you wanted to laugh, but felt like you couldn’t? I don’t know.

If they decided to stop making chocolate tomorrow, would you care? I don’t think I would care until my period came then I wouldn’t be too happy.

What’s your relationship with the last person who put their arms around you? Boyfriend.

What were you doing at 4 o'clock this afternoon? I was just finishing food and maybe just starting my makeup.

What will you be doing in 30 mins? Hopefully finishing watching the news and going to bed.

Was today better than yesterday? Yes.

Will tomorrow be better than today? I don’t think so unless I’m unexpectedly getting laid or something.

#surveys #survey #bored #questions #q&a

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bromfieldhall · 7 years

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What Makes You Beautiful - A Mentalist Fanfiction

TIMELINE: Set some in the future after series four finale. Minor spoilers.

SYNOPSIS: “Yesterday I made a New Year’s resolution. I’m going to give myself one whole year to woo and win the love of California Bureau of Investigation’s Senior Agent Teresa Lisbon.”

PAIRING: Patrick Jane/Teresa Lisbon

Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

CHAPTER 7

"Everyone else in the room can see it, Everyone else but you"

~ What Makes You Beautiful ~ 1D

July 14th – 11.25am

It's a long drive from Sacramento to Malibu.

Especially in my Citroen. It's not built for fast speeds for extended periods of time. I love my car but there are times like these that I wish I had a newer one.

It's been a while since I last made the trip and I'd forgotten just how tedious the journey can be without someone to talk to. When I say someone, I mean Lisbon of course. Who else is there?

She's the reason I'm here. Back at my house. I'm not running away, although I can see how it could look like that. I was just made aware that I still had some demons to put to rest once and for all.

It's been an odd couple of days. I've always prided myself on being able to control my emotions. I'll even go so far as to say that I can discard the fruitless one's at will. The kinds of emotions that don't really help you in any way but merely hinder and drain you. Like jealousy. That's a really pointless emotion. It doesn't get you anywhere and in extreme cases you can even hurt the one you love through your own stupid, childish behaviour.

Like I have.

It all started two days ago when a delicate case involving high profile philanthropist, Abigail Grant, was handed over to us. She's an acquaintance of Bertram's so he wanted it dealt with quickly and quietly.

Quick I can do. Quiet? I'm hardly the poster boy for keeping things low key but if he was willing to take the chance, what the hell.

It was all to do with some priceless jewels that she'd had stolen. I worked it out pretty fast that the perpetrator was likely to be a man called Marcus Greening and the culmination of our investigation is going to happen tomorrow tonight all being well.

During our enquiries, however, a link had been found to Walter Mashburn and naturally we had to follow it up.

I was pleased to see him…at first. It's been a while and if it hadn't been for his interest in Lisbon in the past, I might have been more inclined to pursue a proper friendship.

"Patrick, it's good to see you again," he'd greeted with a smile and an enthusiastic shake of my hand.

"Walter," I'd acknowledged with a nod.

He'd turned his attention to Lisbon and I'd tensed as alarm bells started ringing in my head. His smile had softened slightly and he'd clasped one of her hands in both of his. It was an oddly intimate gesture that I wasn't entirely happy with and although I didn't realise it at the time, the first little insidious seed of jealousy was sown.

"Teresa, how have you been?" he'd asked in a low voice that really, really irritated me.

She's been with me I wanted to tell him. Well, not with me per se, but I'm working on it.

"I've been good, thanks," she'd replied a little stiltedly. She'd given me a glance reminiscent of when she'd had that dream about me then extricated her hand from Walter's no doubt sweaty grasp. "You?"

Obviously that had been an invitation to tell us every little thing that had happened to him in the past few years and he'd taken the seat next to Lisbon, sitting just that little bit closer than necessary.

As I'd listened to him talk, I noticed the way he directed everything to her, his smiles, his explanations. The familiar way he casually touched her arm or leg. It soon became blatantly obvious to me not only that the interest he'd shown in Lisbon the last time we'd crossed paths hadn't really abated, but that they had been intimate in the past too.

Not that Lisbon seemed to reciprocate at all. She was professional as ever. But that didn't stop my jealousy sprouting.

I'm honestly not bothered by any of Lisbon's other former dalliances. She's an adult for heaven's sake, there are going to be men in her past and I'm hardly one to criticise considering my own choice of bed-mate. But knowing she'd been with Walter and watching him turning on the charm right in front of me…just really pissed me off.

Don't get me wrong, I like Walter. He's a great guy. But for a few minutes there, a man I used to consider a friend of sorts was now the competition. And a strong one at that. He is everything Lisbon could want from a man and although it pains me to admit, albeit to myself, he's the kind of man she deserves as well.

All that wealth, good looks, charm and, most importantly, no baggage…he's perfect. Really.

And it suddenly got me wondering what I truly had to offer Lisbon that wasn't in some way detrimental to her life. I came up empty. It was a sobering realisation.

If I'm honest, I gave up the fight there and then before I'd even tried. I'm not proud of myself. Perhaps if I'd been more secure in her feelings for me, I would've felt differently. A few kisses hardly means she's in love with me. I mean look at Walter; she slept with him.

In hindsight, I should've just got up and walked out there and then. But no, not me. Years of putting myself into a situation where I could torture myself about it afterwards was a hard habit to break…and obviously I needed a fix.

Our 'interview' with Walter finally came to and end and we said our goodbyes then headed out to the SUV. I could tell she wasn't quite sure of my mood and to be frank, neither was I. My emotions seemed to be getting a little out of my control by then. I was swinging between feeling resentful of Walter having shared an intimacy with Lisbon that I never have and being angry with myself for not being the kind of man I think she deserves.

Naturally, me being me, I verbally took it all out on Lisbon with snippy little replies and jealous fuelled innuendo's so that by the time we reached the CBI she wasn't talking to me anymore. I regretted it immediately but offered no apology.

Not my finest hour by any means. I'm having a few of those lately.

We spent the rest of the day avoiding each other then this afternoon Walter came by the office to propose a plan. He'd wangled an invite to a party Greening was having and there was a good chance that the gems, amongst other things, would be available to the highest bidder. We were all in the bullpen when Lisbon came out and told us about the party and she'd said that Van Pelt should go along with Walter.

I'm not quite sure whose face was most disappointed. Walter's or Rigsby's. Anyway, I decided to play devil's advocate and suggested she go herself…being the team leader and all. I'd then added that considering their obvious history together, they'd make a more believable couple.

You could've heard a pin drop in the silence that followed.

I guess a warped part of me wanted her to deny everything. To prove to me I was wrong about my supposition…but she didn't. She just gave me one of those 'you hurt me but I'm damned if I'll let it show' looks that I'd come to hate so much during the Lorelei days. I felt like such a bastard.

I'd broken eye contact and sipped at my tea, my heart sinking as she announced that she would indeed accompany Walter instead. I didn't look at her again, I couldn't. I'd just sat and feigned interest in my drink until she and Walter went back to her office.

"Public humiliation…that'll win the girl every time," Cho had suddenly said wryly from right by my side.

I'd looked up in at him in surprise. He was sat on the arm of my couch, arms folded, and as I gazed around the rest of the bullpen Rigsby and Grace stared back at me from their desks, sporting faintly accusing expressions. It'd seemed pointless to deny what they'd apparently already guessed.

"I was never under any illusion that my methods were perfect," I'd admitted with a shrug.

"Good. They're not," Cho had concurred brusquely. "You're an idiot."

I very much doubt truer words had ever come out of the stoic Agents' mouth.

"Yeah, what's your problem? You were practically pushing the boss at him," Rigsby had piped up.

"No problem, I just think they make better sense," I'd answered as impassively as I could muster.

"I don't believe you," Grace had countered bluntly with a shake of her head. "That night Rigsby and I had dinner with you two we could see there was more to it than the just you paying out for that flimsy excuse of an auction."

"You all had dinner together?" Cho had asked, somewhat put out. "Without me?"

"It's a long story, Cho. If it makes you feel any better, I'll treat you to dinner next week, OK?" I'd offered hoping to steer the conversation away from Lisbon and my obvious failings.

"OK," he'd answered. "But you're still an idiot. If you're not careful you'll lose her."

With that he'd gone back to his desk and Rigsby and Grace went back to work.

It was nice of them to try and hold an intervention…however poor. Still, although I understand Cho's concerns, I can't actually lose what I've never really had. Can I?

Not long after that, Walter had emerged from Lisbon's office and come back to the bullpen to say goodbye. The team murmured out a few grunts in reply and then he'd stared at me and held up his phone before giving me a quick nod.

I'd watched him go then heard my own phone chirp as a new text came in. I'd checked it out and saw that he wanted to meet up an hour later. My interest had been piqued and so I'd dutifully done as he'd asked and met him at a small coffee shop around the corner from the CBI.

We'd indulged in idle chit-chat while awaiting our drinks but once they'd been brought to our table, he'd got straight to the point.

"How long have you and Teresa been together?" he'd asked curiously.

I have to admit that I was surprised at his astuteness. I could understand the team having an inkling there was something evolving between us…we worked with them every day. But, Walter? Really?

"We're not," I'd refuted lightly. Not officially, anyway. There's still so much left unsaid between us.

"You won't be if you keep pulling stunts like that one today," he'd pointed out blithely. "She was upset."

"Meh, that's standard behaviour for Lisbon. I would've thought, given your past, you would know that," I'd goaded, forcing a small smile.

I knew I'd hurt her, I didn't appreciate the reminder.

Walter had merely chuckled and shaken his head.

"It was one night, Patrick. Teresa wasn't interested in anything more…although I did try," he'd admitted wryly.

"I'll bet that was a blow to your ego," I'd said mildly, secretly pleased that Lisbon had been the one who'd chosen not to continue their acquaintance.

"She is quite a woman," he'd commented a little wistfully.

"Yes, she is," I'd agreed softly, no doubt sporting my own dreamy expression.

His gaze had sharpened on me and he took a sip of his coffee before leaning back in his chair and staring at me in contemplation. I saw his eyes drop down to my left hand then back up to my face.

"I'm glad you got Red John finally," he'd said with a small smile. "How long has it been now?"

"Eleven months," I'd replied automatically, wondering at the sudden change of topic.

He'd nodded and grinned ruefully.

"I bet you can tell me the days, hours and even the minutes too?" he'd ventured quietly.

I'd felt my jaw tighten at the faintly accusing tone I could hear seeping through. I did know as a matter of fact but I wasn't about to tell him that.

He studied my face and let out a heavy sigh.

"I can't even begin to imagine what you've been through, but surely his death has given you some kind of closure? Some peace finally? Enough that you can at least start moving on with your life again, no?"

"I am," I'd said flatly.

He looked pointedly at my hand again then queried dubiously, "Really, Patrick? Because it doesn't look like it from where I'm sat."

"Maybe you'd better view it from some place else then," I'd retorted, my irritation at his comments beginning to show.

"OK, OK, I'll back off," he'd said, raising his hands in a gesture of surrender. "I was just trying to offer some friendly advice that's all. I like you and I like Teresa but you two won't get anywhere until you've dealt with your past, Patrick. You're still clinging on…how do you think that makes her feel seeing you still wearing your wedding ring after all this time?"

I hadn't actually given it any thought. I'd clenched my hand and moved it off the table to rest upon my thigh. My wedding band suddenly felt heavy on my finger, the weight of my residual guilt for my family dragging it down. I'd imagined myself to have put everything behind me but in those few moments it became frighteningly clear to me that I hadn't. At all. They were simply on the back burner waiting to be addressed while I happily convinced myself I'd 'moved on.' It was a hard thing to process all at once and I determinedly pushed it aside to ruminate on later.

"I thought you said you were going to back off," I'd reproached, but I know my tone had no real bite to it.

Walter had smiled benignly then nodded and leaned forward conspiratorially.

"I've just bought a new Bugatti," he'd revealed with a grin. "Want to take it for a spin?"

I'd smiled back at his obvious ploy and nodded my assent. By the time we'd parted company later that evening, we were friends…of sorts…again. I'm glad about that.

I'd gone back to my motel room and looked around the sparse furnishings as if seeing them for the first time. Was this the extent of all I could offer a woman like Lisbon? An old tea maker, a hard bed and a rickety little table and chair? Or was it the alternative? A beat up old couch and a musty attic in a government building.

When I stopped to think about it, it was a toss up as to which one was more pathetic. And I also wondered why I hadn't yet bothered to do anything about it. Why after all these months, even though Red John was gone, was I still living exactly the same way as before? Still punishing myself. Still letting him win…

Was this really what my existence had come down to? Living in limbo where I'm still, as Walter said, clinging on to the past? Using it like some kind of anchor because I'm too damn scared to cut the rope and just go with the flow of life again?

It began to dawn on me then that all this 'baby steps' rubbish I'd been spouting to myself in regards to pursuing Lisbon wasn't about her at all…it was about me. About my fears of not only loving someone but actually having them love me back and all that it entails. About having a home…maybe even a family again one day. Was I really, truly ready for that?

As my mind wandered to Lisbon I couldn't help but smile and I found that the answer came swiftly and easily.

Yes. I was ready.

Once I'd acknowledged that fact, I'd made the decision there and then that things would have to change. If I wanted to move on with my life, I had to cut that damn rope and start actually building a new one.

Knowing I couldn't leave without at least offering some kind of an apology for my behaviour earlier, I'd got my phone and texted a simple, 'I'm sorry,' to Lisbon then I'd gotten together a few of my things and headed back out to my car. Forty minutes later with a tank full of petrol and a ready-made sandwich, I was on my way to Malibu.

I had plenty of time to think on the journey and by the time I'd reached my house I'd already decided that I was going to sell it and look for a place in Sacramento. It was where my home was now.

My wedding ring, however, was a different matter. Although I was eager to lose the anchor, I apparently still needed a buoy…metaphorically speaking of course. My ring was far more personal than the house; meant so much more. It wasn't guilt exactly that had me leave it on…more like how wrong it felt when I tried to take it off.

It's one of those things I'll have to look at more closely when I'm not so tired that I can hardly think anymore.

I got to the house in the early hours of this morning and the first thing I did was crash out on the couch for a while.

I awake to the sound of my cellphone ringing and blearily check the caller ID. It's Lisbon, probably wondering why I'm so late.

"Hey," I greet warmly.

"Where the hell are you, Jane?" she demands, obviously well on the way to a full-blown rage.

"Malibu," I reply, stifling a yawn. She doesn't say anything for so long I think we've been cut off. "Lisbon, are you still there?"

"Yeah, I'm here," she says, her tone more subdued now. "Are you OK?"

"I'm fine," I say soothingly. "I just need to take care of a couple of things then I'll be back tomorrow. There's something I have to tell you…but I prefer to do it face to face."

"Really?" she queries, sounding a little worried.

"Don't panic, woman, I'm not leaving if that's what you're thinking," I assure her, grinning to myself.

"I know that," she retorts dismissively but I detect an undertone of relief.

Such little faith, but I understand why now.

"Did you get my text?" I ask softly.

"Yeah. Thanks."

"I meant it, Teresa, I was an ass yesterday and I'm sorry," I tell her contritely. "I hope you catch Greening tonight. Give me a call and let me know how it all goes, OK?"

"OK," she agrees. There's another pause then, with the most awful attempt at being casual, she adds, "So…I'll see you tomorrow then?"

"You will," I reiterate firmly. "Goodbye, Teresa."

"Bye, Jane."

I end the call and smile to myself. Just hearing her voice makes me homesick.

I get up and go to the bathroom then have a quick shower . When I've finished, I stand in the hallway for a moment just staring at my old bedroom door. I know what's behind there now and I'm ready to face it for the last time. I go in and come to a stop in front of the grisly drawing that has haunted me day and night for over a decade. The blood is brown with age and I reach out to touch it gently with my finger.

So much anger, so much heartache, so much grief. I let my hand drop to my side and glance around the rest of the room. The house seems to have an air of peace about it now that wasn't present before…or perhaps it's just the fact that I've reached a decision about my life that makes it seem so.

I leave the room without a backward glance then get dressed and go into town. I get something to eat then call in at a local business to arrange for someone to come out and redecorate the bedroom. It's not something I have the time or inclination to do myself. I then go to see a local realtor and we make arrangements so that they can keep the keys and oversee the decorator and any possible viewings.

From there I go to the local store and buy some groceries for this evening. It's not until late afternoon that I finally head back to the house. I plan to stay tonight then drop my keys off and go back to Sacramento in the morning.

I pull up then get out of my car and look out across the ocean. The beach is empty and I feel the urge take a walk along the sand. I grab the groceries and take them into the house then shed my jacket, vest, shoes and socks and leave them in the lounge before heading off out along the shoreline. I roll up my trouser legs and stroll through the shallows. There's something very soothing about the ebb and flow of the tide on one's feet and by the time I return from my amble I feel completely relaxed.

As I approach my house it takes me a moment to realise that there's a woman sitting primly on my front steps with a small overnight bag beside her. I'm shocked when I recognise whom it is.

"I don't think you're going to make it back in time for the party tonight," I say with a shake of my head as I come to a stop in front of Lisbon.

"Van Pelt's going," she replies with a careless shrug as she stands up and shoves her hands into her pockets. "Cho's taking lead. They'll be fine."

I notice her looking at me with some trepidation, no doubt second-guessing what I'm certain is an impetuous decision on her part, to come here and I give her a reassuring grin. I may not have expected her to be here but I'm not about to pass up an opportunity like this. I glance around and when I see no sign of her car I look back at her quizzically.

"How did you get here? And so quickly come to that?"

"Walter lent me his private jet to fly down here and then I got a cab from the airport," she explains a little defiantly.

No doubt wondering if I'm going to have another jealous fit over the millionaire.

"Were you really that worried that I wouldn't come back tomorrow?" I ask in amusement, letting her know it doesn't bother me.

"No. I just thought you might need a friend," she replies defensively. "You only ever come here when you're…troubled."

Really, could the woman be any sweeter? Or more caring? What have I been thinking taking it slow for so long?

I step up and surprise her by placing a firm, quick kiss on her lips.

"Thank you," I say sincerely. She gives me an awkward nod of acknowledgement and I take hold of her hand then bend to pick up her bag.

I pull her into the house behind me and lead her to the lounge. I drop her bag on the floor and gesture for her to sit down.

"Let me just get cleaned up and I'll make us some dinner. Are you hungry?"

She nods and I quickly go upstairs then wash off the sand from my feet and come back down still bare foot.

"How does pasta sound?" I ask, noticing that she doesn't seem to have moved an inch from where I left her. She's so adorably uncomfortable in these kinds of personal situations.

"Great. Thanks."

I busy myself preparing our meal and she eventually gets up and walks over to watch what I'm doing.

"I've put the house up for sale," I say casually as I put the pasta into the boiling water and turn to face her.

Her eyes widen in surprise.

"Really?"

"Yes. It's time."

She nods and for the first time ever I notice her gaze dart to my left hand. It's only brief but now I'm more aware of how she might be feeling, I wonder how many other times I've missed that telling action in the past.

"I'm happy for the house to go but…I'm not quite ready to take my ring off yet, Teresa," I say quietly.

"I didn't say you should," she replies a little self-consciously. "It's nothing to do with me anyway."

"Oh, Teresa," I say with a shake of my head and an indulgent smile. "Haven't you realised by now? It's got everything to do with you."

She looks at me in shock and as I'm about to swiftly close the distance between us the water from the cooking pasta boils over the top of the pan with a loud hiss. While I quickly attend to the food, she moves away from me back into the lounge and begins to pace. I can see her agitation in the way she runs a hand through her long hair and the jerkiness of her walk. Apparently my little revelation hasn't gone over quite the way I'd hoped. That's Lisbon for you. Can't take a compliment even if you hit her over the head with it.

"You know what?" she suddenly says irately as she stops to stare at me with a frown from across the room. "You are driving me crazy! You say things…then deny it. You kiss me…then nothing. You get jealous for no reason…and now you tell me this? What are you doing, Jane? Do you even know? What am I supposed to say to that?"

"Thank you?" I suggest helpfully.

She lets out a growl of frustration at my flippancy and turns to pick up her bag.

"You know what? This was a bad idea. I knew I shouldn't have come," she says as she stalks angrily towards the front door.

"Lisbon, don't go," I call after her urgently. She pauses mid stride for a second then continues on and my heart drops like a stone. I catch up with her just as she's at the door and plead softly, "Please, Teresa. Stay."

My hands are at my sides and I'm itching to reach out and touch her but I know she'd resist me further. She looks down as if contemplating my request then her head lifts and she turns to face me.

"Only if you stop playing games, Jane," she says defiantly. "I'm not going to be your next shiny new plaything just used to fill up your time because you're bored now."

I'm speechless. Is that really what she thinks I'm doing? I shake my head in negation long before I can find adequate words.

"You're not a game to me, Teresa," I refute intently. "You never have been. I'm just trying to deal with my emotions the best way that I can and even though I'm not ready to say the words yet, it doesn't mean that I don't feel the depth of them any less." I pause and give her a small smile. "You just have to face it, Teresa, you're stuck with me. When I look into the future, all I see…is you."

She searches my face for the truth of my words and her expression softens just a little bit.

"Do you really mean that?" she queries, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Yes," I answer just as softly.

I know I'm not alone in understanding the importance of this moment as she takes her time to decide whether she believes me or not. Whether she's willing to give us a shot or not. The seconds stretch out as we continue to stare into each others eyes and I hope…I pray, that she puts me out of my misery soon.

She blinks and after another moment of hesitation she finally gives me a curt nod.

"I think that pasta's done," she says, dropping her bag and moving past me to head back into the kitchen.

My relief is almost overwhelming. I may not have openly said I loved her but she can be in no doubt of my feelings now…and she didn't leave. I am amazed and happy…and just a tiny bit humbled. I take a few seconds to bring my emotions back under control then join her in the kitchen. We work together in silence, sharing small smiles as we fill our plates then take them into the lounge with a glass of water each.

I put the TV on and we watch a well-known cop film as we eat, laughing at the obvious flaws in the plot line. We finish our food and place the plates on the small table in front of us and it's the most natural thing in the world for me to casually drape my arm around her shoulders as we watch the end of the movie.

I feel her tense slightly, then relax and lean into me a little more before resting her head on my shoulder. I can feel her hair tickling my neck and the fruity scent of the soap she uses infuses my senses so that I barely even register the film after that. It just feels so nice to sit with her like this and not think about things for a while.

The film ends and she lifts her head to look at me. I guess she wants to say something but when I turn to gaze back down at her we are so close it'd almost be an insult not to kiss her.

I dip my head and tentatively touch my lips to hers. With my veiled declaration still ringing in my ears, this feels different now. She responds almost immediately, her hand reaching up to grasp the back of my neck, urging me closer as she opens her mouth to deepen the kiss. Compared to this all our other kisses have been chaste. My tongue seeks out hers and they glide together in an erotic dance as I tilt my head to gain a better angle. I push my free hand into her hair at the back of her head, holding her in place until I suddenly feel her pushing firmly against my chest.

"Phone," she gasps as she tears her lips from mine and stands up to answer with a curt, "Lisbon."

I draw in greedy gulps of air and try to calm down my clamouring body as I sit and watch the play of emotions on her face. I assume it's Cho and the news appears to be good. She finishes the call, puts her phone away and looks down at me with a grin.

"That was Cho. The bust was success and Greening is in custody."

"That's good," I reply with a smile of my own as I stand up and take hold of her hands, gently drawing her back towards me.

"I…uh…I should go," she says still looking a little flushed. "It's getting late."

"You could stay here tonight," I suggest softly as I lean in and place tiny kisses along her jaw line.

She lets out a tiny whimper as I brush my lips over a certain part of her neck and I do it again just so I can hear that delightful noise once more.

"I don't think that's a good idea," she says, her breath hitching when I find another particularly sensitive spot. "Neither of us is ready, Patrick. Not yet."

As much as I want to ignore her and just continue indulging in eliciting those wonderful little moans, I know she's right. It is too soon and, really, when we finally make love it's not going to be on a couch in the house where my family was murdered.

That thought is as effective as a dousing of ice-cold water and I immediately pull back. My breathing is a little unsteady but after a couple of deep breaths I can manage a rueful smile.

"You're right," I say, putting some distance between us lest I give into temptation again.

"I am?" she questions curtly, obviously surprised and a tiny bit miffed that I've agreed so easily.

I gaze tenderly at her face, lips slightly swollen from our kiss, hair tousled from my hands and an expression of annoyance slowly blooming on her features. She certainly does know how to test my self-control.

"Yes; it shouldn't be here," I say with an apologetic smile.

I can tell she understands immediately and she glances towards the stairs before nodding. I put on my socks and shoes then grab my keys while she gets her bag and we go out to my car.

She tells me the name of the motel she's booked a room with and, as I know it well, it doesn't take long for me to get there. I wait while she registers then walk her to her room. She reaches up and pulls me in for another heated kiss that quickly re-ignites my desire but I determinedly pull back and shake my head at her seductive look.

"I'll be by to pick you up in the morning," I say firmly.

"Night," she replies, casting a quick look down my body then up again to give me a knowing smile. "Sweet dreams."

Little devil knows exactly what she's doing to me.

"Touché," I acknowledge as I chuckle at her cheeky echo of my taunt a few weeks before. I take my leave of her as she shuts the door then go back to my car still grinning to myself.

I've taken a huge step today, not just with Lisbon but with my life too. It's a little daunting to be honest but thrilling as well and for the first time in years I look forward to what tomorrow may bring.

END CHAPTER 7

#mentalist ff #mentalist fanfiction #jisbon fanfiction #jisbon ff

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