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My mom had Alzheimer's and she slowly declined over the past few years. We found out last week that she was nearing the end, and she died early this morning. I've known it was going to happen and expected it for a long time, but it still feels like a shock. I spent so much time taking care of her and worrying that I feel like I can’t remember before, and I hope that comes back with time. My mom was nurturing and an advocate, and she was also feisty and loved to dish, and I miss making her laugh.

I just can’t believe both of my parents are gone.

Mark and ceaser are friends :)

I got the 8$ 100 cal iced coffee from Starbucks and I had such an out of body experience because I'd have NEVER spent 8$ on a fucking coffee before my mom died and these lil treats I've been treating myself too because my mom is dead is getting a lil outta control at this point but without my lil treats I'm so fucking miserable

Its off to a baaaad start this year

For some reason I've been procrastinating about posting a life update here. 😅 Beware... plenty of angst below.

- On August 2nd my mom passed away in hospice at the age of 61 after tenaciously battling her rare and virulent cancer for eighteen years. I'm really hurting. Grieving is exhausting and I miss her so dearly; part of me is still waiting for her to come home. I wrote her obituary. No amount of knowing for months that her death was coming has made this wretched experience at all easier. I cropped my hair in grief; I hate when people complement me on it. I think that it's the same brand of insensitive as complementing a cancer patient's bald head.

- Before my mom passed I started a marine aquarium as a form of self care; it's doing pretty great with only one known livestock casualty so far. (I have no idea what the hell my smaller cleanup crew members are doing most of the time as my little reef(-to-be) has very extensive rockwork and cave habitat.) I did lose my skunk cleaner shrimp, Jacques. I only have two fish right now.

- I haven't done much writing, so no updates on any of my fics. I miss them.

- I am working on completely relaunching and rebranding my shop and having a serious go at making it a career. I can still draw while very depressed and grieving.

- I learned today that perpetual loneliness is as physically harmful as smoking fifteen cigarettes a day. So I am slowly dying of loneliness; this explains a lot why my doctor insists every visit that I need to get a dog. I wish that my dad understood; I wish that I didn't need to care about his opinion but he's my housemate, kin, and landlord. He doesn't get mental health at all. He said he was worried about me falling into a deep depression the other day, apparently somehow unaware that I have been deeply depressed already for years which felt so invalidating. And of course we are grieving too. I feel helpless.

- My finances are shit; I barely have my nose above water.

- We're currently under threat from nearby catastrophic wildfires. Fun times. I just love breathing toxic wildfire smoke smog, don't you? * sarcasm * It's preventing us from doing healthy grieving stuff like hiking and attempting to enjoy these dregs of summer, living again after the horror we've suffered in watching my mom slowly die three decades before her time.

- I found the new Backroads Mapbook app and good grief I can spend spend hours on it. If you're in Canada and you like exploring our land seriously go download it, it's really fun (although also sad right now for me because: wildfires.)

At least Casper is permanently cute.

I don’t understand “I’m here for a good time, not a long time” because I’m literally having the worst time of my life and it feels like it’s never gonna fucking end.

31.08.2022

Outside, it is the line between winter and spring.

Winter slowly backs out of view making room for sunnier days and I am inside this church looking out.

Outside, the sun is shining. Soft breeze blows making new leaves dance and jive to their own springtime tune. I am transfixed. Cannot tear my gaze away from their performance, their bold display of new life.

And what else is there to look at anyway? The inside of the church is darker, colder. In the church it is winter and everywhere I look I see it... Death.

When I finally force myself to tune back into the speeches, sniffling in the background, I see nothing but sad faces. Their tears fall down endlessly, a performance of their own kind I suppose, and I cannot bear it.

Outside, it is the line between winter and spring. A fresh flower blooms. If you listen carefully, you can hear a bird sing somewhere. Inside, it is still winter. My mom is dead. If you listen carefully, you can still hear my heart beating faintly somewhere.

-coldbrewthoughts.

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i really wanna die guys, like i just wish people would let me do what i'm meant to do and seize to exist.

It almost makes me hostile if I think on it too long.

How I've had each day that I've had to live that you got to skip out on. How you've never been able to tell me that this rage that bubbles beneath the surface of my skin is something that our German and dutch ancestors would have valued. You would have had the answers to so many of my problems, and instead, I get to figure them out for myself. I have to ponder over your words and interpret meaning from things that you should be here to explain. We were so young. So hurt. And so vulnerable. We never had the chance to miss you because they erased you from our lives. I'm so tired of feeling like this. Feeling in ways I don't have words to define. There are so many goddamn words that should fit, but nothing fits when the hole in your heart is shaped like your mother.

That feeling of wanting to tell everyone it's your birthday but not wanting to seem like you're begging for attention or being greedy, while your sibling takes the entire month of their birth demanding everyone treat them special.

Only on Tumblr. I remember the book "I'm Glad My Mom Died" (2022) by Jennette McCurdy. I may use these tags someday, if I want. Look at the second tag "I'm glad I did it". 😬😬😬

Media Source: My screenshot

December 15,2022 ended up being the worse the worse day of my entire life. My mother went on Hospice that week on a Monday after we were told there was nothing else they could do for her due to the Dementia had advanced to Alzheimer.

She went to the ER the week before on a Wednesday evening, came home that night and was placed on hospice that Monday and died that Thursday in the same week.

Even though, I was her main caregiver, I informed our family, Pastor, and close friends of what was going on with mom and while everyone was able to express their hurt, I was able to because I had to be strong for everyone else and put my feelings on hold.

I couldn’t say how I felt because as soon as I did, there was always someone there to remind that I was the strong one and I had to be strong for my family especially for my brother so I had to suck it up and deal with my emotions later.

On 12-15-22 a little after 1pm my beautiful mother left this world and my whole entire life changed and I don’t know how to to handle these changes. I can’t seem to get a handle on my grieving meaning I can’t cry but for a few seconds, I can’t handle seeing her picture at church on slide presentations, I can’t handle hearing the songs that she wrote being sung.

I don’t remember anything concerning her memorial concert nor her Homegoing Service. I watched it or I should say I tried to watch it and couldn’t get past the part right before we closed the coffin. Which by the way I was suppose to have that moment to close on my own but my family didn’t allow me to have that moment.

I figure I would start back blogging in order to deal with my emotions which by the way I can’t talk to anyone about because it feels like they really don’t want to hear about it. I miss my mom and I’m just trying to figure out how to live this thing called life without her.

#motherlesschild #Imissmom #depeession #grieving #adlutchild

My mom died and I'm angry about it

My mom dying has been one of the worst things in this world that has ever happened to me. I will probably never be the same person that I was when she existed in this physical world but I am trying to be. I am angry about it. I am sad that I had to watch her health decline right before my eyes. The amount of trauma I have experienced in the little time I have been on this Earth is freaking exhausting and I am truly tired. It doesn't get better and I do not want to be strong and I'm tired of people telling me that. I want a peace of mind and to live a life that isn't so sad. I'm tired of persevering and being resilient. I want to climb into a shell like a turtle and never come out.

I just think

It’d be really neat if Danny looked more like Martha Wayne than Thomas Wayne.

LIKE

I love the Danny Fenton looks like Thomas Wayne or Danny Fenton is Thomas Wayne reincarnated — but the BEAUTY of Martha??

Of Alfred interacting for under five minutes with Danny, dabbing his eyes and going, “That is indeed Martha,” I WANT IT. I want Martha who was spunky and sassy and wanted to do good for her town the same way Danny wants to do good for Amity Park.

I want Martha who loved to take Bruce and the family out to star gaze because her baby had never seen the stars before, and the way his eyes light up like a mini galaxy takes her breathe away the same way that Danny feels when he turns his head up to the sky yearning for something he knew loved but doesn’t know what.

I want Martha who would literally find trouble in a paper bag because she can’t help her curiosity the same way Danny can’t help tripping over his own ghostly tail and making a mess of things before he figures things out.

I want Martha who would fight men who thought they held power, going absolutely feral from stress the same way Danny does when he’s tired of not being able to do his homework or pick up a vacuum against the wall to clean because ghosts.

I want Martha who loved the pearl necklace that Bruce had picked out for her birthday, and Danny reaches towards his neck and startles when his fingers only touch skin when he is certain there was something supposed to be there. I want Danny whose eyes linger on whites and pearls when he passes by open window stores in the mall, fingers itching to flick a nail against the smooth surfaces.

I want Martha who died bleeding underneath the hand of a gun, hoping to everything above that her boy would be safe, and Danny whose body burns at merely looking at the makeshift guns his parents create in the lab, his heart pounding desperately with a yearning to save there was someone she wanted to save the ghosts.

you say it's my villain era and what you mean is that when you were six you panicked about wearing the right thing to kindergarten, what you mean is that in middle school nobody was eating, what you mean is that you spent high school prepping for college and college prepping for adulthood and adulthood fucking lost in the system.

what you mean is that you've been good. you were a good team player. you would have never considered yourself perfectionist - those are people more popular, prettier, more successful - but you carry any flaw like a secret in you, terrified someone will desert you for the simple reality of your personhood.

if you were good you could be loved. you could be loved if you were selfless and thoughtful and caring. if you bent over for every person, if you went above-and-beyond, it would absolve you of who you actually were. deep down, how horrible that you had needs. that you had boundaries, that you had desires. you learned young that you cannot afford to cut people out of your life - you would have nothing left. it is better to live in the service of others, to supplicate. to worship. you weren't exceptional, you had to make up for it in some way. to prove to others you were worthy.

if they need you, it's the same thing as loving you. if you are always-there, always-listening, always-friendly, you are filling a role. you have a purpose. you are living correctly.

villain era, you repeat. you mean: yesterday you finally told a man no. for hours afterwards, you couldn't control your heartbeat. you mean: you've been saying positive affirmations on repeat, trying to teach yourself any new thing about how self care is necessary. you mean: three weeks ago, due to a scheduling conflict, you finally told a coworker that no, you couldn't do them a "quick favor". you have felt bad about that ever since. sure, it would have made you work late and it would have been extra stress - but you feel bad about it nevertheless.

you tell your therapist you have been leaning into evil. she asks what that means. when you tell her: sometimes i prioritize my own needs, she doesn't find it funny. she looks at you a long time.

"and that's evil?" she clarifies.

"well," you say. "feels evil to me."