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scoups4lyfe · 1 year

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Journal Entries of Bipolar sh*t compiled to Show the Mind of Someone with BP:

[Entries from my mood journals:]

TW: Mental Health

These entries are personal, I wrote them as I was going through whatever I end up writing about, I took out any personal details so it reads like ANON.

[Next]

Energy Levels:

July 15th 2020:

Questionable levels of energy. Went to bed at 9am and woke up at 6pm. Just really tired, I feel just,,,, exhausted in an empty almost depressive kind of way. Could a depressive episode be looming on the horizon? Conversely, however, my energy has been pretty high the last three-four days at least. I’ve been somewhat motivated, getting work done, and also having major problems with insomnia that really kind of came out of nowhere. That’s why I couldn’t fall asleep until 9am last night. (Though my time blindness when doing things I enjoy certainly doesn’t help.)

July 16th 2020:

(went to bed at 9am, awoke at 7pm)

Another feeling of low energy. I’d rate it about 3.5/10 (5 being normal.) Mood wise, I'm in a rather neutral mood, though I’m starting to worry that it’s getting more and more apathetic. (Especially when I’m dehydrated.)

Executive dysfunction is rearing its ugly head. It’s hard for me to do things, I kinda want to curl into a ball and do nothing for great periods of time. I find it hard to really be motivated or to make myself WANT to look nice when I see my friend tomorrow. It’s actually kind of worrying, but my overall mood (as I said) is still pretty neutral.

July 17th, 2020: A solid 3/10

(Bed @ 7/8-ish am. Woke at 1:09pm to go to a friend’s.)

I just feel tired and kinda zen, not gonna lie. Like relaxed and ready to slip into unconsciousness at any moment. Not necessarily as apathetic as yesterday, but that could be because I am around my good friend, and being around my good friends makes me happy, distracted, and more energized, even with barely any sleep.

July 18th 2020:

Bed time: Close to 11:30 pm Wake Up: Close to 9am. (Like 8:40 am or something)

A solid 2.2/10

I’ve had low energy for a bit now and I know it’s starting to roll into my apathetic depressions. Today [friend] wanted me to go to the gym/pool with [them] and I was REALLY not feeling it, but [they] were gungho for it and were talking about it like it was already going to be a done-deal. This kinda soured me because I really do not want to move around much when I’m like this and I ESPECIALLY did not want to go to the pool— I knew I’d be the only one in the pool, alone, because I didn’t bring shoes so I either had to wait horrendously by myself in the locker room or pool it out alone until someone joined me after their workout.

I DID feel great when I stepped into that lukewarm shower before having to get into the pool, but like, WOAH MAN, I got super apathetic, I contemplated just staying in the shower for an hour and like hOO wow. Not great. 0/10 would not recommend.

I did actually enjoy the pool though and after about 15 minutes of [friend] joining me I began to go back to a more neutral state of mind, so that was good.

When we went to the mall it was fun too, but for some reason (I can’t even explain why) I hit a low— low, and started to second-guess everything (even my friendship with them) and wondered if I should never talk or see them ever again from then on. It was really melodramatic and I don’t even know why I thought about it for a minute there. After a few minutes I was snapped back to normal by hanging out with my friends and then I was kinda okay again.

Emotionally (when I’m not feeling low energy/apathetic/empty AF) I feel on the verge of just breaking down into tears and laughing like a maniac.

July 24th

Bed: 9pm-ish Woke: 5am

Energy: 4-ish (Maybe even a bit more of a 3.5 rn)

These last few days have been a blur tbh. I went on a webtoon-reading, what-music-was-I-listening-to-in-middle-school binge these last couple of days and so I remember not much. The hyper focus really had me there lol.

July 28th 2020:

Bed: 1:15 am Woke: 6:30 am

Mood: When I was awake earlier and reading, about a 3. RIGHT NOW??? 1.5/10 and quickly approaching a meltdown.

I am SO SO tired and almost about to have an emotional breakdown for no reason. I have no idea where this is coming from but I am going to tuck into bed and disappear from existence because I need to sleep for 19hrs or I WILL throw a fit.

**Some notes for July 28th. I tried to sleep at 7/8pm because I felt an incoming meltdown. But then I was suddenly wide awake? Like my energy was at a 7 while my mood was at a 0.5. Basically, not fun, would never repeat again.

July 31st, 2020:

Bed: Around midnight/1 am woke: 3pm.

Energy: 4/10

I don’t know why I slept for so long, but I def. could have slept longer. In fact most of the day I felt kind of bleh.

Not terrible enough to lie down but also not normal-normal.

August 26th, 2020:

Woke: 7pm Slept: 9/10am

Mood: 4.5/10

In general I’ve felt fine. Not as exhausted, and definitely in a good mood. Maybe it’s because I’m purposefully taking it easy while still trying to accomplish the small things. Ahhhh I feel so accomplished, yo!!!

But just as a general warning, I don’t know how long I’ll be able to stay optimistic. (Hopefully for a long time.) I just feel the depressive episode on the horizon. For now, I’m doing self care so that I can fight it off, but hopefully it won’t be “only a matter of time.”

Thursday — September 17th, 2020:

Slept: 1am woke: 7:30am

Mood: 5/10 ENERGY: 2.5/10

Though I’m in a pretty genial mood, I just feel so tired. Which makes no sense because yesterday I woke up at like 7pm and went to bed at 1am. So WHAT TF bro. I’ve just been lying in my bed all day because that’s like the only way I feel somewhat decent.

Kinda want to take a nap but I know that’ll do me absolutely no good whatsoever, so I’m gonna stay awake and try to be as productive as I can be when I’m lying down in a horizontal position.

[Journal Entry]

“Saturday: October 10th, 2020 — Around Night

Right now I feel invincible. Like I can write and capture that perfect melody. Pen to paper. Pencil to sketchbook. For this moment, just right now, I feel as if I could do anything, and that makes me so, so, happy.

Today is a happy day, which is made funnier or perhaps more ironic by the fact that I didn’t even want to wake up today. [Which I did, begrudgingly, at 6pm-ish.]

The tides really do come and go. So never feel too down. At some point you’ll feel like this again. The cogs keep turning and life goes on.

Mood: 10/10 Energy: 10/10.”

[End quote]

...

“October 13th, 2020 — Tuesday, 10:45 AM.

So many thoughts have taken travels in my hand. Today I feel invincible again. Much like I did in the last entry. I have been an unfortunate disappointment to my family, though. My energy, motivation, and time has been entangled lately. Entangled deep into my mind, my media, and the interests I partake in: The Void ™.

Therefore I haven’t been of much help, entertainment, or enjoyment for my loved ones. Last Sunday our relatives gathered at our house to celebrate [my brother's] birthday. Yet I stayed in bed. I did not celebrate with them, and ignored their asks of me. I’m quite disappointed in myself for being this way. I can only strive to be better. I may not have been energetic or involved these last few days, but I feel much better now that I’ve gotten rest.

Though I’ll always be fighting with that void that distracts and captures my attentions, I won’t let these strings choke me.” [End Quote]

…

October 18th 2020:

Slept: 10am Woke: 4am

Mood:2.5/10. Energy:2/10

I just feel very anxious (like pit of nervous energy going 100mph in my stomach) anxious. I’m gonna try and nap the wired energy off cause it’s making me panicked

[Journal Entry]

“October 18th, 2020 — Sunday, 3:46 AM

I’ve gone and slept all of saturday. But hopefully this will fix my sleep schedule. I’m also (not quite anxious, but I know the tension is there, rising, ready to explode on the horizon. Already it’s October 18th, and yet it feels as if I’ve accomplished nothing. And perhaps I haven’t.”

[End quote]

…

“October 24th, 2020 — Saturday, 9:55 PM.

At the beginning of this page I felt indescribable emotion fill me. Everything was pointless. I’d forgotten how to fly and instead remembered how to nap. For a singular moment I wanted to sleep into nonexistence. I wanted to cry, too. But mostly, I was just tired. I could do nothing but sit and want to sleep, and I had not even the strength or energy to loathe myself for this. So I decided to scrapbook instead and then maybe sleep after I’d written all this leak in me from pen to paper. But in the (time it) took for me to design the page I fell out of my emotional range. Instead I felt calm. Pacified. Silly, isn’t it? I’m supposed to edit today and tomorrow, but I’ve let today slip away.

I’ve also eaten too much again. I feel sick. Like I’m eating as much as I can before a hibernation. Does my body feel a depressive episode coming before I do? Is that it? Or is my overeating and lack of control leading me into a spiral? I shouldn’t be feeling like this. So much anxious, emotional energy. I’m wired as shit and I hate this jittery-ness.

It’s suffocating. Like a snake’s wrapped itself over me and keeps constricting, tighter, and tighter, and tighter, till there’s nothing left.”

[End of entry]

…

“November 10, 2020 — Tuesday

Pros: I watched lupinranger like 3 times in the span of 3 days.

Cons: I watched lupinranger like 3 times in the span of 3 days.”

[End Quote]

[Around 3 month time skip]

[Sunday, February 28th, 2021 — 2:04 AM]

“I’m treading water. Another month passes. Hopefully I’ll make all I can of this last day. I walked some, but I still haven’t reached my desired destination. Guess I have no choice but to keep going! Everything has a time. I can only continue trying. That’s all I can do. To quit is to have nothing for myself, not even dreams. ‘Being confident that he who began a good work in you will carry on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ.’ (-Something Phillipians.)

I dream of many things. I pray that March gives me what I need. Please be here with me, hold my hand in these times and keep me close in your thoughts. I’m trying. I’m always trying. Day by day, hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute. I can’t do this alone. (I wish I could.) My brain is so easily distracted and it’s hard to get by even doing things I joy. I wish I had something that could force me to function. All I have is myself.

One day I won’t just be writing dreams with no evidence. Every step is part of the journey (even if it doesn’t feel like it.) So thank you for walking with me. I don’t have the strength to do this alone. Please, please hold my hand through the anxieties and whisper that it’ll be alright. I’m blindfolded, and I’m walking on a tightrope, and I need you to tell me when and how to jump so that I’ll land in the net. I’m blind but I’m listening. September 30th feels a lightyear away. It’s hard to forget the lack when you’re faced with it everyday. And I’m unsure. Please tell me that it’s worth it. Please. Please help me. Please. Please lead me. Please help me.”

[End of entry.]

Part: [1], [2], [3], [4]

This is the first part of the journal entries, I'll be uploading another compilation after each newly posted PPT essay.

Bipolar PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6]

Visuals of depressive episodes: (1), (2)

PPT Essay Extras: (1), (2), (3)

[Next]

#here y'all go #now after this I'll liveblog more revice <33 #my thougts #manic depression #bipolaire #actually bipolar #fvcking moodswings ⚡️✌️#journal #diaryposting #online diary #writing #good source for peeps who want to write a Bipolar character #neurodiversity #neurodivergencies

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lovedetlost · 1 year

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Continuation from anon...

Idk cause when I do masturbate and I “finish” (whatever it is I’m doing lmao) I feel like “idk how this could be any better” but also it isn’t hard to be quiet and stuff (but also maybe that’s just a lie from movies and porn and stuff that it’s supposed to be super difficult to be quiet and stuff).

Also I’ve only focused on/done clitoral because when I’ve tried penetration, it hurts really really bad every time. And I’m like maybe I’m not doing it right? But I’m relaxed (which is like the biggest thing right?) and go super slow. Some days on my period it even hurts to put a tampon in so idk. And I’ve heard that that might be a vaginismus, but again, I’m always super relaxed (and really wet) so idk. It would probably help if I went to a gynecologist (I’ve never been but I turn 21 soon so I know I’m supposed to get a Pap smear (which also freaks me the fuck out not just just of something going in but first time at gyno and stuff) but it’s expensive and all the free time I have, it seems like doctors are full.

Anyways this is a lot of complaining, so I’m really sorry. But you’re very nice about these kinds of questions and feel like I won’t be judged by you haha

hello again darling.

okay, so for me, orgasming feels like just for a minute, i lose all self control. the eyes really do roll back and the toes really do clench, i can jerk or moan or whine. there is a clear end point that i never achieve when cumming, or even squirting.

i can do masturbation silently, so don't let that be a barometer (i'm a live-in nanny who doesn't ever have the house to herself, but i've got needs yo), but making noise does turn me on hehe.

but i do have to warm myself up. while i rarely orgasm to clit stimulation, i always start there, as a self lubricant. i also will masturbate with aid, whether thats sexting, reading smut, audio porn, or just straight porn. if i'm not turned on it's hard to get a single finger up there. i find spit or lubricant also beneficial fairly often. reading a smut for me is the all time, even if the scrolling is annoying. or when the vibe just ain't right on a fic and you're trying to choose another, all the while still fcking myself so as not to lose the mojo haha.

all this being said, do not force it. it could be vaginismus. if you are truly relaxed and wet, it shouldn't be too much of an issue, so that does sound external factory-y. though, you can think your relaxed, but if you're stressed or forcing it, this will have physiological effects.

i will always recommend a doctor. i'm not a health professional, or even that adept at sex myself. i've just done a lot of self exploration and have zero issues talking about it on the internet. make the appointment, even if its a while away, and put it in your calendar. plan your life around it. sexual health and looking after yourself is of paramount importance (note to self: book a papsmear).

honey you're welcome to complain in my inbox anytime. i am an external processor, and fully acknowledge and respect and live by talking through my problems. i am beyond thrilled to be that for someone else.

i am here for you, whatever you need.

#asks #agony aunt #sex ed

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violetsoju · 3 years

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airport

kuroo tetsurou · fluff · 2.2k

warning: slight suggestive theme, mild language, characters are aged-up

a/n: did i write this on impulse because i still can’t believe i was actually in this situation? maybe. did i write this as a manifestation of having a kuroo to bitch about and assure me? maybe too. did i get more encouraged to write this after reading a discussion in a server on bra sizes and brand recommendations a few days ago? maybe three.

“Kuroo, I’m serious. Stop laughing.”

A distinct cackling laughter from the speaker of your phone fills the four walls of your bathroom, along with a lazy lopsided grin flashing on the screen that’s perched on the wall mounted shelf next to the sink.

“But you’re making it so hard not to! Plus, you’re supposed to brush your teeth for two minutes, not talk and brush your teeth at the same time for two minutes.” Kuroo reasons, laughter turning into soft chuckles.

“Sorry babe, but I didn’t catch anything you said just now because you sounded like a fish blubbing underwater, except you’re blubbing white foam instead of bubbles.”

He finds it hard not to grin like a fool at your figure from his side of the screen, hands on your hips with a toothbrush stuffed in your puffed-up cheeks, hair pushed back with an elmo headband that he finds ugly yet cute because of the two ridiculously huge eyes dangling on top.

You mumble something yet inaudible while wiping away the drool of toothpaste dripping down the side of your mouth, a small pout dotting your lips.

“Rinse up and tell me from the top again once you’re done, alright?” Kuroo sighs, shaking his head adoringly as he manages to make out a ‘fine’ out of the string of muffled sounds from you.

And do you listen to him completely? Of course not. So he rests his left cheek on his palms, humming to the bits of information you try to squeeze in without accidentally swallowing tap water while cleansing your face.

The white tiles in the background shift to cream walls shakily, along with the shuffling sounds of room slippers against the wooden flooring. “Then as we were walking towards the karaoke place, I somehow fell behind the rest and ended up beside him. And guess what happened?”

“He confessed to you?” He jokes, oblivious to where this is heading, yet.

“God, I’d rather that happen.” You take a seat in front of your study desk filled with skincare products tucked on the side, placing your phone against the wall. “Instead, he called out to me, which I turn to him and find him looking at my boobs, saying ‘oh, its nothing’,”

Kuroo visibly flinches a little, eyebrows furrowed in disgust, eyes widening slightly, like he just tasted a sip of milk that has gone bad. “Excuse me?”

“He was looking at my boobs, Kuroo. My boobs. Shamelessly. Saying ‘oh, its nothing’. What the heck?” You mentally thank yourself for not opening the cover of the toner in your hand, to save the mess you would have made from all the expressive hand gestures.

“And you were wearing your usual tank top, right?” He smacks his lips together, as if trying to get rid of the bad aftertaste.

“Yeah, the usual square neck rib knit tank top that I always wear.” He tilts his head to the side, eyebrows knitted in confusion. Your wardrobe of tops flashing through his head. “The one that you don’t understand why I own a several pieces in different colours. That one.” A long ‘oh’ resonates through the speakers, the particular top emerging from the sea of clothing.

Kuroo processes the image for a few seconds. “That’s not revealing at all.”

“Exactly! It’s like the most basic thing? There’s tons of girls out there who wear the similar thing as me too.” You tap your toner onto your face with your hands. “And I was even wearing a jacket on top of it? It’s not like I was fully exposed or something. But even if I didn’t have my jacket on, I don’t see how it’s taken as a sign to stare brazenly like that. I wear whatever the heck I want to make myself feel and look good, not for someone else to ogle at, unable to keep their raging hormones in check.”

He hums in agreement. “What did you do or say to him then?”

“Honestly, I don’t know what made me so pissed at that moment either.” You sigh, reaching out for your wash-off mugwort mask. “I snapped at him, telling him that when he talks to girls, he should be looking at them in the eye, not at their boobs.”

“That’s my girl.” Kuroo flashes his signature cheshire-grin. “What did he say then?”

Your lips purse together, recalling the situation. “I don’t think he even heard me. Partly because you know how I rush through words like I’m rapping when I’m mad.”

“Told you to apply for that rap competition show on tv.”

“Kuroo.” Your glare earns an apology and light-hearted chuckles. “Another reason why I don’t think he heard me was because he actually had the balls to sit next to me during the karaoke session.” His eyebrows arch at the statement. “To which I dragged Mizuki to sit next to me and he got pushed to the side with the other guys.”

He huffs through his nose with a tinge of frustration, fingers running through his dishevelled hair. “How old is he again?”

“20, I think. But still, that’s no excuse for being so disrespectful towards girls and women. He’s already a full-grown adult for crying out loud.” You set the timer to 15 minutes on your phone, shuffling to your bed. “Out of all the boys I’ve met that are of his age or back when we were his age, I’ve never met such a disrespectful guy. In this area of discussion, I mean.”

“You mean you haven’t met such a horny monkey before.” Kuroo summarises. You snort at his remark, making yourself comfortable under the covers while waiting for the mask to work its magic.

“So you’re mad that he looked at your boobs.”

You place your phone between your folded knees, slouching against the bed frame. “Of course I am. It’s a violation against my body. How the fuck does he think he’s entitled to look at someone blatantly like that? Imagine someone staring at your dick like its nothing.”

The stupid cocky smirk appears on screen again. “Not gonna lie, but I would be proud. Or amused.”

“Freak.” You scoff, scrunching your nose at his reply.

His amber eyes gleam under the dim lights through the screen. “You sure you’re not mad at anything else?” He prods, not letting you off the hook.

“I guess I’m so mad because I never expected this to happen to me. I mean, look at me. What’s there to look at when I’m basically as flat as an airport?” You gesture to your breasts, ignoring his ‘you’re exaggerating’ interjection. “I would understand if he was staring at someone voluptuous or well-blossomed. But what’s the point of staring at a wall so flat there’s no cracks or dents in between?”

Kuroo’s sharp yet soft features settle into a knowing look. “So there is something else that you’re mad at.”

You narrow your eyes at him. “That is?”

“You’re upset that your boobs are small.”

Your eyes take a 360-degree turn, huffing exasperatedly. “I’m not. I’m happy with the way they are.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“You’re not.”

“I am.”

His firm discerning expression in the 10-second-long stare off has you heaving a long sigh in defeat. “I mean, there are times which I wish they would be just a little bigger…” You hesitantly admit, biting the inside of your lips. “So I don’t have to rely on push-up bras that much. And they would look nicer in wireless bras… Or in deep v neck cuts… Or plunge dresses…”

“Babe, they’re perfect with the way they are now.” Kuroo’s words doesn’t come out as pity or consolation; it’s filled with raw honesty and sincerity.

You glance down at the soft flesh beneath your oversized t-shirt that once belonged to Kuroo. “I know, but sometimes you can’t help but want more, right?”

“I understand, it’s natural.” He nods in acknowledgment. “But we have to be grateful with what we have, don’t we?”

A soft smile tugs the corner of his lips at the sight of your pout. “You’re right. Why did I get myself so worked up just because of one horny monkey when I have such an amazing and supportive boyfriend?” His lips curl up with a little more pride at you remembering and reusing his little remark.

“At your service, always. And ever ready to chase off any horny monkeys in sight.” He places his hands to his eyebrows as a salute dramatically, earning a hearty laugh from you.

“Question time. On the bright side, don’t you save more on bras because they require lesser fabric than bigger sizes? Less fabric, less production cost?”

“If only it were like that, Kuroo. You know what, we’re going bra shopping for our next date.”

“May I be granted the honour of choosing the fine piece of garment?” He places his hand over his right chest.

You hold onto your imaginary ruffled dress in the air, dropping into a mid-curtsy. “If I have the honourable chance to be blessed by your gracious kindness to pay for it, be my guest.”

“Of course, m’lady.” He bows curtly, giving you a flirtatious wink.

You giggle at his sappiness. “Okay my turn. Aren’t you jealous that you don’t have the chance to hold them like other boyfriends do for their busty girlfriends when their boobs swell and get sore during their periods?”

He shrugs like it’s no big deal, but the glint in his eyes says otherwise. “It’s not like that’s the only time I get to touch them.” He wiggles his eyebrows at you suggestively.

“Pervert.” You gasp, covering your breasts with your arms.

The timer on your phone beeps, signaling it’s time for you to wash off your mask.

“Didn’t take you to be a boob person. Thought you were more of a butt person.” You place your phone back on the wall mounted shelf in the bathroom, turning on the tap water to run.

“I’m neither. Because I’m a you person, your person. A person that loves you as a whole, not by parts.” You swear you can see him giving you that smug grin of his with your face submerged with water, washing off the remaining residue.

“You know, maybe God deliberately blessed you with a lesser amount in this aspect.” His voice echoes through the speakers.

You reach out to your face towel hanging next to the sink and place gentle pats on your face. “And why is that?”

“Because God knew that you’d be unstoppable if you were blessed in all aspects. I mean, look at you. You’re already slaying it despite your fun-sized boobs.”

You nearly choke on your own saliva from the fits of laughter at his comment. “What the hell, Kuroo. No one calls a C cup and below fun-sized.”

“If people call those below the height of 160cm fun-sized, I don’t see why I can’t do the same with breast sizes.” He reasons with a nonchalant face.

“Fine, fun-sized boobs they are.” You give in, switching off the bathroom lights. “Your drop-dead gorgeous kick-ass girlfriend has fun-sized boobs.”

“And I love it. That’s what makes her special too.” He adds, face full-on smitten with love.

“Shut up, cheesy conman.” You chuckle softly, your face a mirror image of his.

“Well, you chose one yourself. No refunds.” The coolness of your moisturizer helps soothe the warmth blossoming across your cheeks, but not the warmth spreading throughout your chest like a cosy fireplace on a cold winter day.

【☾】

Zero and one digits flash on the top right of the screen, signalling it’s way past your bedtime. You’ve been on the phone with Kuroo for close to two hours, no wonder you feel yourself drifting to sleep each second. Kuroo senses it too, from the way your eyes twitch and lose focus.

“Alright, last question before we wrap up for today. When are you hanging out with them again?” He asks, stifling a yawn.

You let out a yawn as well, stretching your arm over your head, popping a few bones. “I don’t know, but I may skip if he’s tagging along.”

“Nope, we’re going together. Me and you.” Kuroo states matter-of-factly with droopy eyes.

You rub your eyes that has been lidded with sleep. “What if you’re busy on that day like today?”

“Then I’ll just clear my schedule for the day. Gotta show the lil boy who owns this airport.” His deep voice croaking through the speakers of your phone.

“Airport?” You question, confused at his statement, wondering if sleep has started to take over your sense of hearing.

“Airport.” He gestures at his tiddies sleepily.

“Kuroo…” Your distressed groan doesn’t stop him from his babble.

“Gotta show to him that it’s a private one too, not some public area that’s available to any common folk like him. Right, babe?”

a/n: in Chinese, there’s a saying of calling flat chested girls or girls with small boobs as 飞机场, which means airport because the airport runway is flat. so it’s like one’s chest is so flat that it can run the plane lmao. all sizes are precious, don’t get me wrong. this is purely for entertainment purposes

shoutout to @moonboohoo for being my irl Mizuki that day ily ❤️

#haikyuu #haikyuu!!#kuroo tetsurou x you #kuroo tetsurou x y/n #kuroo tetsurou x reader #kuroo tetsurou #kuroo x y/n #kuroo x reader #kuroo x you #kuroo fluff #kuroo tetsurou fluff #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu oneshot #hq imagines #dont worry guys im not bothered by the incident anymore #i just thought it would be funny to write about #small tiddy gang unite #and i finally have a piece thats not over 3k words omg #mini achievement unlocked 🔓

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nugnthopkns · 3 years

Text

don’t say you miss me

word count: 5.5k

warnings: explicit!fem reader, references to sex but nothing explicit, cursing, recreational drug use (marijuana), alcohol consumption, there is no happy ending

recommended listening: overnight | maggie rogers

series masterpost: here

a/n: second installment of hiiapl! little overnight inspired ditty that i’m actually pretty proud of. i’m having so much fun with this it’s insane

You had never meant to get attached.

It was a lot easier said than done – especially with Kevin. He was loud and obnoxious, sure, but it was part of his charm. When you first met him, outside a club in downtown Winnipeg, you were blown away by his duality. He had been so loud with his group but quietly brought you a bottle of water after you puked on the sidewalk. After insisting you take his number so you could let him know you got home safely, Kevin convinced you to go to dinner with him. One meal turned into several and before you knew it you were engaged in a casual fling with the Winnipeg Jets’ newest centre. It was mostly sex, with the ocasional interaction outside of the bedroom, but something about Kevin made it feel like more than just a hookup. Over the few months you slept together your feelings shifted, and you began to harbour a rather large crush.

Just when you were going to take the leap and talk to Kevin about getting serious fate reared its ugly head. After only being in Winnipeg for six months, electing to not return to Massechusettes right away after the Jets playoff run finished, Kevin was traded out of the city. The news split your heart in two – there was no way the two of you could become a couple. Though long distance could have been an option, you weren’t going to ask him to commit to that. Being a professional athlete is tough as is, and having a girlfriend a six hour flight away was extra stress you refused to put on Kevin.

The last night you spent with Kevin was emotional. Lots of tears were shed, mostly from you. You knew he was compartmentalizing it all and trying to not let you know how much the trade was affecting him. Whenever the two of you had talked about hockey, Kevin was always quick to mention how much he loved Winnipeg and how much he wanted to stay. Neither of you talked much, too focussed on wallowing in sadness and committing each other’s bodies to memory. He left the next morning, and there was a silent agreement that whatever the two of you had was over. It was fun while it lasted but now you both have to be adults and get on with life.

☼☼☼☼

Nearly six months later you consider yourself to be getting on with life just fine. You’ve got a better paying job, a new apartment, and enthusiastically throw yourself into any project that’s presented. To others, however, you’re barely hanging on. Any time you get a text notification, you hold your breath until a name flashes that isn’t Kevin’s. A notification from Instagram saying he viewed your story makes your heart beat three times as fast. You constantly check for updates on how he’s playing, and watch as many Flyers games media blackouts will allow just to catch a glimpse of his face. No matter how hard you try, you just can’t shake Kevin Hayes.

“They’ll be in town this weekend,” your best friend Rachel says. “Are you gonna reach out to him?”

You nearly drop the carton of chinese food you’re eating on the floor. “I didn’t know that,” you stammer, trying to make your surprise believable. Kevin will be back in Winnipeg for the first time since being traded. You knew this already, of course, because you have the Flyers scheduled imprinted in your memory.

She narrows her eyes at you. “Don’t fucking lie to me. You knew they were coming to town. The NHL app stays open on your phone at all times.”

Caught in your lie, you can do nothing but duck your head. You’ve thought a lot about what you’re going to do. Should you send him a text, let him know you’re available after the game? Or should you ignore him completely and make it seem as though you’re doing much better than you are?

“I don’t know Rach. I’ve never had a sort of ex come back to the city he left me in.”

“He didn’t necessarily want to leave you,” Rachel points out. “He got traded. If you want my two cents, I don’t think you should give him a call. You need to move on, not stay stuck in the past.”

Your friend is right, and you know that’s what you should do. Moving on from Kevin would be easier if you didn’t try to contact him. He hasn’t reached out to you so you assume you’re the only one in the relationship still struggling to come to terms with his departure. You struggle with the decision until puck drop, but ultimately decide against texting him. It simply wouldn’t be beneficial for your fragile heart.

A small group of friends has gathered at Rachel’s to watch the game. You’re lucky, or unlucky, to run with a crowd of die-hard Jets fans who get together any time they play, whether it’s at someone’s house or a sports bar around the corner from the arena. Though you tried your best to get out of it tonight, making up any excuse you can think of to stay at home and sob quietly into a pillow, Rachel knows better than to let you be alone and forces you to be in attendance.

It’s a pretty quiet game with the Jets dominating the first two periods. The Flyers are sluggish, not connecting passes and taking far too many penalties. You’re pretty sure Winnipeg has it in the bag when the puck drops for the final twenty minutes of play, so you turn your attention away from the television, picking up a conversation with Christina, the girl your friend Tyler brought along.

Some choice words must have been said to the Flyers in the intermission because they come out swinging. Before you can comprehend what’s happening, they’ve tied the game. The period is full of contact, with multiple players from each team spending time in the penalty box. Your attention is once again returned to the large screen for the final few minutes, and your jaw drops as you watch Kevin dangle through the Jets defence to sink the puck into the back of the net. It turns out to be the game winning goal, and you sit in silence as your friends pay up the money they lost in bets and check their updated fantasy pool standings. Maybe you should text him.

“Don’t fucking do it,” you hear Rachel whisper in your ear. Your other friends know of your past with Kevin, they were around and spent some time with him, but they don’t know how much you were still holding on. Everyone besides Rachel assumes you’re alright – that Kevin is just a blip in your past.

You roll your eyes and sigh, but tuck your phone back into the pocket of your jeans. It stays there – out of sight, out of mind – until it buzzes some time later. Expecting it to be your mother hounding you for not calling in a while, you pull it out. A message from Kevin flashes and you go whiter than a ghost.

Taking the boys out celebrating the big win. You in?

The words, so casual, feel like a punch to the stomach. Why the months of radio silence just to ask to see him like you’re friends? Making sure that no one is paying attention to you, you quickly type out a reply.

That’s not a good idea and you know it Kevin.

You send the message and immediately turn off your phone. This way you won’t have to deal with the aftermath until much later. You allow other things to hold your attention and don’t head home until you’re so tired that it will be impossible for you to think about Kevin’s text.

When you power your phone back up in the morning, you’re shocked to find that Kevin never responded. He obviously didn’t care too much about your absence, and part of you wonders if he was just being polite. It doesn’t make sense, but instead of letting your brain overthink the lack of response you throw yourself headfirst into cleaning your apartment. Hours later it’s spotless, and you slump onto the couch in a pile of exhaustion. You check your social media notifications, a few mentions from your friends about the shenanigans you all got up to the night before and your sister tagging you in a post letting you know she’d like to visit a specific beach the next time she comes to visit. Kevin’s profile photo sits at the top of your instagram feed, and before you can stop yourself you click to view his story.

It’s a snapshot of his teammates with bright smiles on their faces. Each of them is holding a can of beer, and a few look as though they shared a joint before entering the establishment. The photo is captioned ‘glad to be back in winterpeg’ and is accompanied by a couple of snowflake emojis. Your heart clenches inside your chest – it hurts more than you thought it would to see him enjoying himself as though he has no bittersweet feelings about being back. It would be beneficial to unfollow Kevin, but you can’t force yourself to pull the metaphorical trigger and completely cut him from your life.

Kevin leaves the next day for Vancouver. You know this because you watch his story yet again, and curse yourself for grasping at straws. Why must he have such a strong hold on you after so long? A call to Rachel has her driving to your place in minutes, ready to hold you while you cry and distract you from the pain that still lingers from his first departure.

☼☼☼☼

It’s easier to forget Kevin without him being in the city – you do your best, and eventually it sort of sticks.

He no longer crosses your mind every few days. You go weeks, sometimes a month or two, without thinking about him. It’s nice to no longer get sad when you enter a bar you frequented with him or wince when someone mentions how he’s playing. It also helps that he never returns to Winnipeg.

There’s no reason for him to. The Flyers don’t play another away game against the Jets the rest of season, and as far as you know he doesn’t frequently talk to his old teammates. Your life fades into a quiet routine you come to love dearly. The world feels balanced for the first time since Kevin left and you’re nothing but thankful.

Life moves on, and you find yourself succeeding in your career – so much so that you’re quickly offered a promotion. The change increases your workload and doesn’t leave you much of a life outside of work, but it doesn’t matter much to you. It’s a welcome distraction and keeps thoughts of Kevin out of your mind. No one comments on your genuine improvement, but you know they can see it. Rachel is proud, and she’s told you exactly once. It’s all you’ll get out of her so you take it and roll with it. The rest of the regular season passes without you so much as knowing, or caring, and before you know it there’s a notification for an article saying the Flyers were eliminated in the second round. For the first time you find it really hard to care.

☼☼☼☼

Summers in Winnipeg are your favourite. The city is warm for the first time all year and the flowers look beautiful in full bloom. With the promotion you’re afforded more vacation time, which you plan to take full advantage. There’s nothing you love more than hanging with friends in the sun, soaking up the rays, and casually drinking.

The days bleed into one another in the way that all good summers should, and before you realize it it’s your last day at work for a week. It will be nice to be free from workplace constraints for a while, and your friends have the time off as well. The group of you are heading to a cabin on Falcon Lake where you’re sure lots of partying will take place. You suggested getting farther away, but settled on the area in case Tyler’s sister goes into labour. He’s a very family oriented person and offered to watch his nephew when the time comes.

Four o’clock comes faster than you ever could have imagined, and you cheerfully wave goodbye to your co-workers. Some complain of your ability to leave during the busiest season of the year, but most of them wish you well. You put an immense amount of work into your job regardless of the quarter and know you deserve the break. If you don’t stop at the grocery store on your way you’ll be in trouble since you’re in charge of all the breakfasts and you currently only have a half-eaten loaf of bread that could go stale any day.

You’re in the cereal aisle, deciding whether or not you really need Honey Nut Cheerios for the trip, when you hear his unforgettable voice. It’s loud and booming and brings back so many feelings that you’ve learned to repress that you turn on your heel and head to the nearest self checkout despite only gathering half the items on your list.

Back in your car, you dial Rachel’s number and try to regulate your breathing.

“Hello?”

You don’t bother with any formalities. “Kevin is here.”

“In Winnipeg?” she asks, more than a tad confused. “Why would he be in Winnipeg?”

The interior of the Ford Escape you drive feels too small, so you crack a window and peel out of the parking space. Rachel’s voice reverberates throughout the car thanks to the bluetooth system. “I don’t fucking know, but he’s here.”

“I don’t think that’s possible Y/N,” Rachel says, always the realist. “He lives in Boston. What would he be doing in Winnipeg in the middle of July?”

You aren’t sure, and make sure to tell her so. “But it was him,” you swear. “He was in the grocery store.” You stop at a red light, placing your blinker on and checking both ways before turning right. A few more minutes and you’d be safely tucked away in your apartment, away from the world and the possibility of running into Kevin.

“There’s like a hundred tall gingers in the city babe, you didn’t see him.”

“You’re right, I didn’t see him,” you agree. “I heard him. How many tall gingers are there in Winnipeg with Boston accents?”

“Oh fuck. I’m coming over.” With that, Rachel hangs up, and you pull into the parking garage. You sit in silence for a minute or two before deciding your shaking legs can hold you upright. Perhaps you weren’t as over Kevin as you thought.

Rachel spends the rest of the afternoon and evening with you, ensuring you don’t do anything stupid and letting you spew all your feelings, both good and bad. More than one bottle of wine is consumed, but you have more than enough time to nurse a hangover. If you play your cards right through the week this won’t be the only time you do it either.

You wake up on top of your pristine sheets, Rachel grumbling beside you – she’s never been as good at holding her alcohol.

“What time is it?”

The alarm clock on your bedside table flashes a few numbers and you have to stare at them for a minute before you comprehend them. “Just after eight,” you say, sitting up. Surprisingly, you feel fine. Maybe the crippling weight of your feelings for Kevin cancels out the hangover you most definitely should be feeling.

“We need to get going. Gotta pack the car and hit the road. I’m the one who needs to get the keys so we have to be there before everyone else,” she sighs, grumbling something else under her breath as her feet hit the floor.

You just laugh at her and head into the kitchen. While Rachel showers you make coffee and pack the food into the ancient cooler your father gave you when you moved out many moons ago. It has served its purpose on several trips like this – you’ll be sad to see it go eventually. You switch places with Rachel, and once you’re feeling refreshed the two of you stuff your trunk and hit the road.

The drive is rather uneventful, with the both of you sitting in silence, and it doesn’t take you long to approach your destination. Rachel is a poor navigator so you’re tasked with figuring out where you’re going and making sure you get there, but it could be worse. You have a general sense of where you’re going. Getting the keys is painless and you get to work unpacking your overloaded SUV.

“Do you think there will be other people around we can party with?” Rachel asks as you close the trunk for the last time.

You shrug. “Don’t know Rach. It doesn’t look like it.”

She drops it, agreeing with you, and you separate to unpack your personal belongings. The cabin is large enough that no one has to share a room, which you’re grateful for. Though you love your friends dearly, they don’t always know what personal space is. At some point in the afternoon the rest of the group trickles in, and by dinner you’ve all settled and are ready to party.

Tyler figures out how to use the ancient barbeque and sets to work cooking the burgers. Everyone else gets side dishes ready or sets the table, with Christine starting a bonfire. You don’t know her well, only having met her a few times, but your friend seems to be infatuated with her. She fits in great with the group so you aren’t worried about any awkward tension. Dinner passes in a fit of giggles and shouts, and once the dishes are done you can relax fully.

The beer you grab from the fridge on your way out the door makes your insides fuzzy in the best way possible. By the fire, surrounded by those who care about you the most, you feel at peace. You’re yet to think about the sudden reappearance of Kevin in Winnipeg, and you’d like to keep it that way. Someone grabs the beat up acoustic guitar you found in the living room and thrusts it in your direction. You’d taught yourself to play in college, and it comes in handy for times like this.

“I refuse to play Wonderwall,” you laugh, shooting pointed looks at each and every person sitting around you.

“Come on Y/N,” Rachel groans. “Just once?”

“Fuck off.”

You don’t mean it, of course, and strum the opening chords with a grimace on your face. Tyler counts everyone in and they sing for you, which is appreciated. You might be decent at playing, but your singing voice is one that shouldn’t see the light of day if it can be helped. It’s more fun than you imagined it could be so one song turns into three, and before you know it your makeshift jamboree attracts the attention of the neighbours you didn’t know existed.

Applause erupts from behind you, and you flush enough that your cheeks warm significantly. “You guys are so good I hate to disrupt the rhythm,” a deep voice says, “But do you mind if a buddy and I join you? We’re a little lonely by ourselves next door.”

Tyler’s out of his seat in a heartbeat, jumping up to pat the man on the back. “Of course man, come on over! I’m Tyler, and that’s Rachel, Christine, Marshall, and Y/N.”

You all wave politely, and the mystery guest introduces himself. “Nice you meet you guys. I’m Nolan.”

It’s then you get a good look at who you’re speaking to. He seems to be a few years younger than you, maybe early twenties, and he has a face you just can’t place. Maybe you’ve seen him around Winnipeg – the city is small enough that you can often spot the same faces in a crowd. “I’ll just yell at him to come over and we can get the party started,” Nolan explains, “Kev, bud, come on over! And bring a couple beers.”

All the blood rushes from your fingers at the name. You shake them intensely, willing your circulatory system to function properly again. If you had to hazard a guess there’s probably a million people in Manitoba named Kevin. There’s no reason for it to be Kevin Hayes. You’re most certainly still spooked from your near encounter with him yesterday.

“Fuck Patty, you couldn’t come back and grab your own?” the emerging figure grumbles in the vocal stylings you’ll have imprinted on your heart until your dying day. Kevin is here, and if you don’t leave in the next few seconds you’ll be face to face with him for the first time in over a year.

You stand abruptly, not stopping to explain your hasty exit to anyone, and practically run into the house. The door slams behind you and you do your best to make your heart rate return to normal. Tyler shouts something you can’t quite comprehend, but you know it’s probably some sort of reconnection greeting. He’d met Kevin a couple of times while the two of you were together and had gotten along with him well.

“Hey,” Rachel whispers, “You good?”

You hadn’t heard her come in. “Not really,” you admit. “I mean like I knew he was in town but never in a million years did I think he’d crash my fucking vacation.”

She nods in agreement. “What do you want to do?”

“Stay in here forever?” An eye roll is sent your way but you choose to ignore it. “I’m serious Rach, I can’t go back out there, at least not tonight. Every time I think I’m over him he finds a way to make me realize I’m just faking.”

“I know,” Rachel says simply. She really does – as your best friend she’s privy to your every thought on the matter. After making sure that you'll be okay she heads back outside, armed with an excuse for your early departure.

You spend the rest of the night tucked under the covers, listening to the laughter of your friends outside, no doubt in your mind that Kevin is the source for most of it. He’s always been good at commanding an audience. Thoughts swim freely in your brain, most of them occupied by Kevin in some capacity. Was tonight just a one off? Will you have to eventually face him? What will you say? Eventually sleep comes, though it’s fitful and fleeting.

☼☼☼☼

You do your best to avoid Kevin, and it works for a day or two. Tyler has stricken up a friendship with the athlete, and spends more time with him and Nolan than your group. You don’t mind all that much because they typically are out on Nolan’s boat or lounging in their cabin, but every night the group reconvenes at your firepit. The excuses are starting to run out – there’s only so many times you can say you have heat exhaustion before someone stops believing you.

“Y/N, Kevin hasn’t even mentioned you,” Tyler whines one night after dinner. “It won’t be awkward. We only have a few days left, please spend time with us?”

“I’m spending plenty of time with you,” you grumble. “You promise he won’t say anything?”

Tyler shoots you a smile that lets you know he knows that he’s broken down your resolve. “Why would he? If he was going to do it he would have already.”

You aren’t sure if that makes you feel better or worse. You’re glad he’s faring better than you, but on the other hand you wish he’d at least make an effort to inquire into your well-being. Maybe it was simply proof that you were still holding onto something that didn’t mean much of anything. Eventually you’d have to face the music, whether it be with Kevin or someone in the future, so you make the decision to try and at least get used to seeing former flames in social settings.

“You’re rolling my joints tonight asshole,” you grumble, shoving your sock clad feet into a pair of worn out sandals.

There’s a small commotion, mostly in excitement at your begrudging agreement, and you roll your eyes as you grab what is destined to be your first of many beers from the fridge. Rachel slides up beside you on the way out the door and squeezes your hand, letting you know she’s ready to support you no matter what happens. It’s comforting, and the nerves in your stomach settle a small amount.

Marshall is already outside, helping Nolan start the fire. They seem to be extremely similar and you’re glad they can seek each other out when the rest of the group gets too rambunctious. The rest of your party filters out of the house and takes up residence in the adirondack chairs. Kevin doesn’t appear to be around, so you allow yourself to speak freely, loud and unabashed.

“No I’m telling you,” you insist, trying to convince Nolan your stance on Jack Antonoff is correct. “Jack is literally responsible for reinventing pop production.”

He laughs at how into the conversation you are. “Why the fuck should I care?”

“Because you fucking listen to Lorde!”

Someone else is laughing along with you and it nearly stops you in your tracks. At some point Kevin had joined the party, but you hadn’t noticed. Knowing that he was listening makes you suddenly self conscious, and you wrap your sweater tighter around your shoulders. Nolan can tell you’re uncomfortable and does his best to relieve the tension.

“Kev, do you wanna run back and grab the weed?” he asks.

The auburn haired man pulls a baggie out of his hoodie pocket. “Got it right here baby cat,” he grins. “And it’s ready to go. You got a light?”

Nolan tosses him the lighter and Kevin expertly puts the joint between his parted lips. He lets the smoke fill his lungs before exhaling, and you watch him more intently than you should. You’re thrown back to the memories of Kevin’s apartment downtown, where you’d smoke in content silence after a night of passionate sex. The scenes flash in your mind and you’re overcome with melancholia. You had been so happy in the moment, and now you’re in a similar situation but feel nothing. Other than sharing in your laughter, Kevin is yet to say anything to you.

You must have been lost in your thoughts, because Kevin is staring at you with a quizzical expression. “Y/N? Do you want a hit?”

It takes you a second to snap out of your daze, but to cautiously take the lit joint from his hand. “Thank you Kevin,” you say, voice timid. It’s the first time you’ve spoken to him since he left Winnipeg for the first time.

He shoots you a dazzling smile and your insides threaten to turn to mush. No matter how hard you’ve tried to convince yourself you over him, that you’ve moved on from Kevin, you know you’re wrong. Kevin Hayes will have some sort of hold on you until you die. To distract yourself from the overwhelming amount of emotion you inhale deeply, hoping that the buzz smoking will bring can clear your mind. You really don’t want to think about what you lost when he’s right in front of you.

The three of you sit in silence, passing the joint in a circle, and listen to the conversation your friends are engaged in. Marshall ropes Nolan into a game of cornhole and he goes begrudgingly. As he stands he sends you a sympathetic look, and you know that he’s familiar with your history with Kevin. It doesn’t surprise you – Kevin isn’t exactly one to keep secrets.

“So,” Kevin says once it’s just the two of you, “How have you been?”

You do your best to swallow the lump in your throat. “I’ve been good. Work has been crazy lately, so this break has been really nice.”

He presses, and you indulge him in a conversation about your new job, though it can barely be considered that now. Everything is surface level – you’re afraid of letting Kevin in too much. Though your fling may have been brief, it didn’t make his departure or the lack of contact any easier. He tells you about his life in Philadelphia and how much he loves it there. Before you can stop yourself, you ask him a loaded question.

“Do you like it more than Winnipeg?”

Kevin falters. It takes both of you a moment to process what you said. Not one to lie, he answers truthfully. “Yeah.” It comes out in a sort of deflated sigh. “But I miss –”

“Don’t say it,” you rush, trying hard to keep your voice down. “You don’t mean it.”

An embittered huff comes from him, and you watch carefully as he peels the worn ball cap off his head and tugs on his curls. “I do,” he insists. “I absolutely miss you.”

You no longer care who can hear you. “If you missed me, you would have texted. Called. Anything,” you say cooly. Everyone else has clued in to the fact that something is going on between you and Kevin, and have migrated inside in an attempt to give you privacy.

“I did. You’re the one who said it wasn’t a good idea to see each other again.”

“Because it had been over half a year!” you shriek. “And it had been radio silence before then. You left Kevin, and I’m not blaming you. I know it’s your job. But you left and it was so fucking hard, and it stung because you didn’t even try. So when you hit me up after that game I knew I had to say no. Because no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise, I’m still so in love with you that if you asked I’d uproot my life and follow you to Philly. I don’t want to be that girl.”

The outburst leaves you gasping for breath. Never before had you spilled heartache so fast – with a sort of reckless abandon. Anytime you’ve had these types of conversations you’ve been calm and collected. You’re currently the farthest thing from it.

Kevin’s expression softens, and a sadness fills his eyes. “I was scared,” he begins, “Because for the first time in my life I was with someone I could see spending the rest of my life with. Sure, we weren’t serious, but I was going to take it there. Then I got traded and the plans I had went to shit and I was too scared to do anything about it. So I let you slip away.”

Silence fills the space between you. You don’t know what to say, so you focus on unraveling the loose thread from the hem of your cardigan. Kevin shuffles in his seat awkwardly. “Where do we, uh, go from here?”

The question shocks you. To the best of your understanding, you had made it perfectly clear where your relationship was headed. “Nowhere,” you breathe. “You head back to Philly, meet another girl, and fall in love. I stay here, do my job, and learn to be content with myself.”

“There’s no room for us in your little plan?”

“We’ve run our course Kev. As much as I still love you, will always love you, we’re too fundamentally different for us both to really be happy in a relationship. You have to know that.”

He nods. “I do.” With that, Kevin rises from the chair, gives you a sad smile, and leaves. You assume he’s calling it a night, and you wish to do the same. Finally having that conversation was exhausting and all you want to do is sleep for the next twelve hours.

☼☼☼☼

The rest of the trip passes without you seeing Kevin again. He and Nolan left early the morning after your conversation, and you do your best to enjoy yourself. Part of your brain makes you believe you’re the reason they left, though Tyler tells you otherwise. No one asks about what happened between you two, not even Rachel, and you return to the city determined to start anew. Eventually you break the cycle of obsessing over Kevin’s stats, and take it upon yourself to unfollow him on social media. Life goes on.

Things never really get easier. You still find yourself grieving the loss of Kevin, late at night when you can’t sleep, but are confident in your decision to say goodbye for good. Time heals everything, and eventually you’ll be okay.

☼☼☼☼

taglist: @jamiedrysdales @kiedhara @tortito @boqvistsbabe @iwantahockeyhimbo if you want to be added just shoot me an ask :)

#kevin hayes imagine #kevin hayes x reader #kevin hayes fic #philadelphia flyers imagine #hockey imagine #hockey fic #nhl imagine #nhl fic #cwrites #hiiapl

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hugheshoe · 3 years

Text

carter hart // lunch dates

request: 28 from the prompt list for carter hart?

28: my mom asked about you again.

word count: 1655 words

a/n: long time no see! enjoy :) (ALSO I COULD SOOOO DO A PART TWO TO THIS SO LET ME KNOW IF YOU WOULD LIKE ONE) feel free to send in any requests <3

- - - - -

Carter Hart: My mom asked about you again.

You put your phone down after rereading and analyzing the text for what feels like the 50th time.

Your brain is currently running a million miles an hour.

- - - - -

Why is he telling you this?

Why did he text you?

Why did he use a period at the end of the sentence? What could that mean?

Why is his mom talking about me?

What if it is just a lie?

Could he be lying just to get some?

You shake your head, trying to get rid of all the bad thoughts.

It doesn’t work, though. You sigh and grab the phone again. You start to type back:

Cool

Then delete it. Sounds too harsh. You try again with:

Why?

No...that won’t work. You delete it. Maybe:

Tell her I say hi.

That will do. You hit the send button, and almost immediately regret it. You didn’t need to respond to him, you tell yourself.

My thoughts of regret are interrupted by a chime.

Carter Hart: She wants to get lunch with you.

You start to laugh out loud.

Lunch? With your ex’s mom?

You remember how sweet she was to you the only time you met her in person, and she sent you embarrassing pictures of Carter to tease him with.

You sigh and write back:

Sure, when is she in town?

- - - - -

You walk five blocks to a hot and trendy lunch spot known for its soups and salads.

The nerves are definitely kicking in.

Why does Carter’s mom want to get lunch with me?

When you arrive, you tell the hostess your name and she shows you to a cute two person table in a room filled with leafy plants as its decor. If you were here with a girlfriend of yours, you would most definitely be snapping pictures for your Instagram feed in her.

You thank the hostess as you sit down, and pick up the menu to gaze at it as you wait patiently.

The waiting only lasts five minutes. Shauna Hart walks into the restaurant and beelines over to you with the biggest smile on her face. You get up to greet her and she embraces you with a warm hug. You know the feeling of a Hart hug. It is iconic.

“How are you, dear?” She asks as you retreat back to your seat.

“I’m well, how about yourself?” You reply.

“I’m lovely. Thank you for coming with me. Have you been here before?”

You shake your head, “No, this was actually Carter’s recommendation.”

Her smile grows when you mention his name.

Before she can say anything, the waitress comes over to introduce herself and inform us on the specials of the day including homemade chicken noodle soup! Sounds fucking good.

She leaves to let us continue our process of figuring out what we want for lunch.

After a minute of silence, Shauna speaks up, “He misses you.”

You look up from your menu, but don’t know how to respond. The fastest thing you can think of is, “That is nice of him.”

The minute the words leave your mouth, you get a little embarrassed and start to blush.

The waitress comes back to take your orders. You order a cup of the chicken noodle soup and a BLT salad with fresh avocados. Shauna orders a chicken salad sandwich, which is advertised as one of their bestsellers.

After handing our waitress the menus, you and Shauna get into a conversation that, thankfully, ignores the elephant in the room, Carter.

The nervousness you felt early starts to disappear with time. Shauna is such a easy person to have a conversation with and makes you feel relaxed despite the odd situation the two of you are in.

Your food comes out to the two of you and it looks amazing. You both start to dive into your meals while continuing to chat in between bites.

Eventually, the conversation takes a turn. Shauna starts to share a story of Carter, without even realizing it. You listen, though, and the mood does not shift. It starts to feel normal and comfortable.

The story ends up with both of you nearly in tears.

You manage to get out, “Why was he so obsessed with that stuffed animal?” through your laughter.

- - - - -

At the end of lunch, Shauna insists on paying for your meal, too, and you thank her a million times. You check your phone and realize you’ve been at lunch for almost two hours. Time flies when you are having fun.

You say your goodbyes to Shauna, and go off your own ways.

On your walk home, the memories of you and Carter flood your thoughts. Your cheeks start to hurt from smiling at them. People probably think you are a lunatic walking through the streets of Philadelphia with a smile like the Cheshire Cat for no reason.

When you get home, you kick off your shoes, throw your purse on the couch, and walk into your room. You leap onto your bed and stare at the ceiling. You don’t know what to do.

Your phone starts to ring, but it isn’t your normal ring tone.

It’s Carter’s ringtone. You never changed it.

You rush over to the couch and rummage through your purse to pull out your phone just in time to press accept, “Hello?”

“How was lunch?”

You smile, “It was good. The food was really yummy, and it was so cute. Thank you for the recommendation.”

“Would you ever go back again?”

“Yeah, I think I would. I could get some uber cute Instagram pictures next time. Oh! And some of the drinks looked heavenly, but ya know I didn’t want to get drunk at noon at lunch with my ex’s mom,” you chuckle.

“Want to go tomorrow?”

“Yes, I would love to wha-....wait. What do you mean?”

You hear Carter let out a nervous giggle, “Do you want to go back there for lunch again tomorrow?”

“With you?”

“Yeah. With me.”

You pause before responding. It’s only been three months since he broke up with you. It still hurts you sometimes.

Would it be okay to go to lunch with him already?

What if he wants to get back together?

Was this his plan the whole time?

“Y/N? You still there?” The voice through your phone says.

“Yes, yes I’m still here, sorry. I was thinking.”

“Is it too soon?” He questions.

“No. I’ll go. Tomorrow at noon?”

“Yes, that works for me. I will see you there.”

- - - - -

The next morning, you wake up with a smile on your face, but the smile fades as the anxiety kicks in.

You have no clue what to wear.

What do you think he is going to wear?

Is he going to go all out?

What if you look more dressed up than him? Or what if he looks more dressed up than you?

To let out a little steam, you scream into your pillow.

“Ah, much better.” You can and hop out of bed.

You have three hours until the scheduled lunch date.

Wait is this a date?

You tell your brain to shut up, and get out of bed. You head out into your kitchen to make a cup of iced coffee. In your head, you start to formulate a to do list to complete before heading out.

- - - - -

Carter Hart: I’m early :) I’m at a table in the middle.

You slide your phone back into your purse as you walk out of your apartment building and onto the sidewalks of Philadelphia.

You try to hype yourself up during your walk. It doesn’t work very well, but gives you a little bit of confidence and a break from worrying.

Once you arrive at the restaurant, you enter and see Carter immediately. He looks nervous, which makes you feel a little at ease knowing you are not the only one.

You walk up to his table, and he stands up to give you a hug, “Hi, Y/N, you look good.”

The hug feels so familiar, and not because you were hugging his mom 24 hours ago. Your nose immediately recognizes his smell, too. The scent makes you feel warm and happy inside.

As the gentleman he is, Carter pulls your chair out for you to sit, which you thank him for of course.

He sits down, too, and the two of you look at each other to take in the moment and process what is going on.

You giggle, “I cannot believe this is actually happening.”

“I know.”

“Did your mom actually want to get lunch with me?”

He nods his head, “Yes, of course. She loved you the first time she met you.”

“She’s a really good person. I see where you get it from,” You say to him and smile. You notice he starts to blush a little as he looks down at his menu to avoid eye contact.

To change the subject, Carter speaks up: “Which drink are you getting?”

You are about to respond when the waitress comes up for our drink orders and the whole specials of the day ordeal. You are pleased when she says homemade chicken noodle soup is being served again today.

Since you are unsure how to pick a drink because they all look amazing, you ask the waitress to make whichever she likes the best. Carter only gets a glass of water due to the season being in full swing.

While you wait for your mystery drink, you ask Carter about the season so far and how everything is working out.

When the drink arrives, you slurp it down so fast you aren’t even sure what it was. The drink calms you down, and when you place your lunch order you ask for a new mystery drink to enjoy. Carter laughs while you order it, exactly like he would when you two were dating.

#carter hart #carter hart imagine #imagines #imagine #nhl #nhl imagine #hockey #hockey imagine #hugheshoe imagine #philadephia flyers #flyers #prompt #writing #hockey writing #philadelphia flyers imagine

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we-took-a-chonce · 3 years

Text

Okay so I just realised it’s 4:40am ... (I’m nowhere near finished and it’s 5:50am)

Anyway. So I’ve got some of my favourites here for anyone who decided to come and join me :P these are in no particular order by the way :,)

A Pair of Idiots in Love

Words: 71,190 Works:7

Series summary: a bunch of really really cute (and slightly smutty) shorts about Harry and Louis and them living life to the fullest... in lockdown.

Note: I absolutely love this series, I think I’ve read it fifteen times over and it never gets boring. The balance of fluff and smut is so just *cheffs kiss*. I’m yet to read the seventh short actually, but I can’t wait to do so. I’d definitely recommend it to anyone who loves fluff (and smut) as much as me :)

Tags: I mean it’s a series so there are so many tags, I feel really bad for not putting them on here but it takes me ages. Anyway. There’s a lot of smut and a lot of fluff, some jealousy, petty fighting and just like tooth-rotting amounts of fluff but I’ve already said that :)

https://archiveofourown.org/series/2056104

Your mess is mine

Words:176723 Chapters:20/20

Summary: Louis is the father to the most brilliant little boy in the world who is all Louis really needs, or at least that's what he tells himself. Harry is a gorgeous boybander fresh off a two year break and a massive scandal that's left him a little broken and more than ready to move on. They fall in love.

Note: THIS NGKSKWKRKW SORRY MY GAY IS SHOWING BUT I CANT. I have a thing for single dad fics idk but it was just so p e r f e c t. You know? And like- ugh just- I’m gonna go read it again. ALSO NOAH IS THE CUTEST THING EVER PLEASE.

On a serious note however, I was really hesitant to read this at first. I hate angsty fics and scandals just scream sadness but honestly? You’d be slightly stupid not to read it. I loved it so much and god the angst is so little you barely even notice it!! Really would recommend to literally anyone.

Tags: Kid Fic, Famous Harry, Ordinary Louis, Fluff and Angst, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Past Drug Use, Single Dad, Louis Falling In Love, Non-Famous Louis, Friends to Lovers, Journalist Louis, Family Fluff, Pet Names, an abundance of pet names

https://archiveofourown.org/works/3426800/chapters/7508540

Through Eerie Chaos

Words:102,104 Chapters:5/5

Summary: The Ghost Hunter AU where Niall lives to prove ghosts are real, Zayn is a skeptical librarian and Harry gets caught up in a century-old mystery and catches feeling in the process.

Note: WHEN I TELL YOU THERE WERE TEARS.

God this fic- I sobbed through most of it I’m not going to lie. I am telling you all it was so worth it because the ending had me crying happy tears but g o d UGH I REALLY CANT IT IS SO GOOD

Tags: Alternate Universe-Ghost Hunters, Ghost Hunters Alternate Universe, Fantasy Alternate Universe, Historical Alternate Universe, 1920s Aristocracy, Haunted Houses, Haunted Manor, Supernatural Elements, Supernatural Investigation, Historical Inaccuracy, Typical Homophobia, Arranged Marriage, Slow Burn, Fluff and Angst, liam Ghost, Aristocrat Louis Tomlinson, Photographer Harry Styles, Ghost Hunter Niall Horan, Librarian Zayn Malik

https://archiveofourown.org/works/10875072/chapters/24160332 - JUST QUICKLY!! IM SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE BUT YOU NEED AN AO3 ACCOUNT :(- if anyone can’t get one I’ll be happy to help sort something out!!

knock knock, i love you

Words: 86,066 Chapters: 4/4

Summary: Harry and Louis get kicked out of a statistics exam for passing a knock knock joke note, and subsequently fall in love. Harry's a virgin, there's a cat, a hot cocoa date, a lot of sex, even more knock knock jokes, and everything is lovely and happy.

Notes: I think we’re getting a theme here but this fic was so absolutely unbelievably fluffy I cried from a sweetness overload more than once. It is quite literally a vanilla fic at its finest and I am honest to god in love with it. Anyone who likes a lot of smut would love this and there was nothing overly kinky in there so yeah :,D

Tags: fluff, Alternate Universe aCollege/University, Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, Anal Sex, First Time, Rimming, Dirty Talk, Banter, Knock-Knock Jokes, No Angst, Virgin Harry, Bottom Harry, Hot Cocoa, Date, Spooning, Come play, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Halloween, a cat named Sushi, Masturbation, Flirting

https://archiveofourown.org/works/8342227/chapters/19110898

driving instructor fic

Words: 104,935 works: 2

Summary: the AU where Louis is a 25-year-old driving instructor and Harry is a 17-year-old virgin who's really awful at seduction, except for the time he gets Louis to fall for him and fuck him senseless and take him on kinky adventures.

Note: THIS WAS SOME KINKY SHIT AND I HAD TO STEAL EVERYONES HOLY WATER TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER. I admittedly didn’t read the second part because I’m not really one for threesomes, not really my thing lmao but THE FIRST PART... I was on the edge of my bed for the entire thing because of the constant t e n s i o n. It was just amazingly written and I fell in love with it :]

Tags: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, side Zayn/Perrie, side Niall/BARBARA PALVIN YES, Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles, Niall Horan, Zayn Malik, Perrie Edwards, 17!Harry/25!Louis, age gap, dom!Louis/sub!Harry, Daddy Kink, Virgin Kink, Bondage, breath play, Exhibitionism, collaring, Sex Toys, Barebacking, Overstimulation Orgasm Denial, Subspace, Kink ,Negotiation, Spanking, Dirty Talk, Possessiveness, Facials Marking

P.s. reading over the tags now.. fookin hell I don’t remember it being that bad gnjejejq I swear (this is what I get for not reading the tags lmao)

https://archiveofourown.org/series/86149

Crave

Words: 90,765 Chapters:11/11

Summary: All eyes are on Louis Tomlinson to bring new talent to save Hanover Records from the mess the previous executive left behind. His newest artist, Harry Styles, is charismatic and everything Louis needs to revive the label. It’s up to Louis and his team to make Harry the star he was born to be. When Harry and Louis come face to face, it isn’t the first time they’ve met, and their worlds are about to be turned upside down.

Note: so I often get this mixed up with another on this list (walk on the ocean) but I think that’s just because of how they first meet? Maybe.. I’m not sure. But anyway. What I’m trying to say is that these two are probably my favourite two which is absolutely bonkers considering the slight angst in both of them (if y’all hadn’t already picked up, I hate angsty fics) but g o d it’s so g o o d. And like- UGH THE ENDING NFKSKRJRW

Tags: Strangers, BDSMDom/sub, Bondage, CEO Louis, Musician Harry, Slow Burn, Friends to Lovers, Sexual Tension, mentions of Simon Cowell, Daddy Kink, Sub Harry, Dom Louis, Kink Negotiation, Friends With Benefits, Nipple Play, Nipple Clamps, Sexting, Phone Sex, Cock Rings, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Blow Jobs, Rimming, Anal Sex, Face-Fucking, Spanking, Riding, Top Louis, Top Harry, Bottom Harry, Bottom Louis, Multiple Orgasms, Begging, Handcuffs, Panties, Collars, Barebacking, Butt Plugs, Anal Fingering, Biting, Painplay, Aftercare, Subspace, Subdrop, Hair-pulling, Light Angst, Switching, Rope Bondage, Public Sex, Exhibitionism, Sex Club, Kink Discovery, Kink Exploration, Dirty Talk, Happy Ending, Blindfolds, Teasing, Feathers & Featherplay, Spreader Bars, Coming Untouched ... so I didn’t realise the stuff I read was this bad h a

https://archiveofourown.org/works/12951438/chapters/29604861

walk on the ocean

Words:26,099 Chapters:5/5

Summary: Harry is an on the rise rock star. Louis is as far from the music scene as a famous producer's son can get. They meet and everything changes.

Note: again, I was really hesitant to read this one, I feel the summary doesn’t do it justice. The fic itself left me gobsmacked for the rest of the day, it was just written so well, it’s hard not to like [love]. It’s nowhere near as kinky as “crave” but it has its moments. I think that the angst got me a bit, but I didn’t shed too many tears and all in all it was just such a good read.

Tags: Surfer!Louis, Singer Harry, Louis has daddy issues, Minor Character Death, a wee bit of angst, Smut, Bottom Louis, Top Harry, Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, the ocean

I also love this person right now because there aren’t that many tags :,,)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/7969168/chapters/18228733

Bite My Lip and Close My Eyes (Take Me Away to Paradise)

Words:3,937 Chapters:1/1

Summary: Or the one where Harry goes on the date from hell only to return home to find he’s not alone in his desire to wank over his room mate

Note: now it wouldn’t be a favourite list without the one very e x t r e m e l y shameful wank fic in there. Honestly there’s not much to say. It’s written really well and that’s that :). Not really because it’s kinky asf and I’m dying

Tags: Friends to Lovers, Roommates, 19 years old Harry, 21 years old Louis, Masturbation, Mutual Masturbation, Voyeurism, Exhibitionism

We’re What’s Right In This World

Words: 48,809 Chapters: 16/16

Summary: Or the World War II AU where Harry goes off to fight and all Louis wants to do is be the boy who brings him home.

Note: I DIDNT WANT TO READ THIS. THEN I DID. I CRIED A LOT. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. I CRIED A LOT MORE. IT WAS SAD. IT WAS EVEN MORE SAD. THEN IT STARTED GETTING BETTER. THEN IT WASNT BETTER AND IT WAS SAD AGAIN. But it’s fine because the ending was so prefect it fixed my heart to a point of which I watched all of my sad Larry tiktoks without crying once :) (or maybe it broke me.. I’m not sure)

Tags: World War II, Alternate Universe - Historical, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blind Louis, Soldier Harry, Frottage, Blow Jobs, Rimming, Anal Sex, Anal Fingering, Period-Typical Homophobia

https://archiveofourown.org/works/12211689/chapters/27734604

Okay I’m going to leave it there for now. It’s just gone six in the morning and I’m yet to go to sleep. My asks are always open and I’d love a chat if anyone wants one!! Remember to treat people with kindness. xx

#larry af #ao3 feed larry #larry stylinson #harry styles #louis tomilson #long reads #fanfic #fanfiction #one direction #larry shippers #larry styles #larry fanfic rec #larry fanfiction #larry stylinson fic #larry stylinson fanfiction

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mgg-theprettiestboy · 3 years

Text

cross my heart (pt.3)

spencer reid x oc

cross my heart masterlist

word count: 1103

“Pretty boy’s got his head in the clouds.” Spencer snapped out of his daydream to find the source of the teasing sing-son voice. As suspected, it had come from Derek, who had a grin plastered on his face, “thinking about someone, huh Reid?”

“I’m thinking about the case,” he said, standing from his chair to go over to the poster board and pin another crime scene photo up.

“Uh huh, sure. C’mon, man, you know you can tell me anything,” Derek said, leaning back against the table covered in files and watching Spencer take a step back to view the whole pin board, his tongue darting out over his lips before he spoke, “there must be a key component of the profile that we’re missing, or we’re wrong about.”

He sighed, “okay kid, you don't wanna talk about it, that’s fine. But you know I’m always here if you do. So, what do you think we messed up? Maybe the gender?”

Spencer glanced to his friend, giving him an small appreciative smile before getting back to work.

“I’m glad you’ve found a nerd friend.”

Raye rolled her eyes, setting another mug down for Tamara to dry. This was one of those nights when The Hideout was completely empty. They usually had at least three or four people in at this unreasonable hour, but for once, there was a quiet period in the cafe.

“Thanks. And he’s not a nerd. Well, maybe a little. He’s a literature nerd, that’s for sure,” Raye said, and Tamara scoffed, “says the one with a degree in the subject.”

“I mean, yeah, I am. That’s besides the point,” Raye dismissed, picking up another dish to clean, “my point is, that I need to pick a new book to give him. It’s my turn to recommend something to him, and I can’t think of anything. Head empty, no thoughts.”

Tam rolled her eyes at her friend, “oh come on, suggest one of the classics. Tell him to read fuckin’ Hamlet.”

“No, Tam! Shakespeare is boring when you’re forced to read it. I need something that’ll impress him, something that he probably hasn’t already read,” she said with a frown. Tamara sighed dramatically, “dude, I don't know! I’m a faker, okay? I talk a big talk, and I own this cafe with the books and shit, but I haven't read like any of them. They bore me. I just like the whole academia aesthetic.”

Raye snorted a laugh, washing the final dish before drying off her hands, “I get it. I like it too. I guess I’ll just go to the library and see if any inspiration strikes me. It opens in a couple of hours.”

Tamara gave her friend a look, before glancing back down to her hands. She didn't want to make her concern for her friend so obvious, because she knew that her concerns would just be dismissed. But Tamara couldn't ignore the nagging feeling, that things just weren't right. “How are you doing? With everything?”

Raye inhaled sharply, “I’m fine. Don't talk about it.”

“I just think that maybe we should, G,” she said, before raising her hands in defence at the look she got, “sorry, I’m sorry, I keep forgetting.”

“Spencer heard you call me G that day we met. I told him it was a nickname for my middle name,” Raye mumbled, and Tamara raised a brow, “well, technically not a lie. Because it’s Giselle, right?”

“Right,” she nodded slowly, and Tamara sighed softly. The bags under her eyes were becoming more prominent every day, and they both knew it. Tamara pushed away the obvious concern, and took her attention back to their most urgent problem, “just recommend something you liked reading. That’s what he wants, right? To find out what you like, and read it?”

“I guess so, yeah,” Raye said softly, picking at her nails, “I just wanna impress him, I guess. I doubt he’ll enjoy Narnia as much as me.”

Tamara giggled, shaking her head, “you might be surprised. Doctor Reid is full of surprises, trust me.”

“Doctor?” Raye tilted her head, “i didn’t know he was a doctor.”

“Yeah, he’s got a handful of PHDs. I think one of ‘em is in math, can’t remember the rest,” Tamara said, as if it was the most casual thing in the world. Raye sat in silence, before shaking her head, “what can’t he do?”

“Probably cook. Or do laundry. With men, there’s always a downside, trust me. Glad I never have to get with another straight guys,” Tamara said, and Raye gave her a look, “you’re bi.”

“Yes, and? Doesn’t mean I’m gonna be running after any more fuckin’ straight dudes, no sir. Me and Ollie are very happy,” Tamara said, and Raye furrowed her brows, “I thought you guys were fighting.”

“We were. She found it odd that I suddenly had this friend from high school called Raye who I never mentioned before, and now spend so much time with.”

Raye felt guilt tug at her heart frowning, “I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, G- I mean, Raye. We kissed and made up. I think Ollie just got a little jealous that I had another woman in my life. You know I was always more friendly with the guys. I just never really had friends that were girls. And I never mentioned you, cause we went our separate ways after high school,” Tamara reasoned, hopping up to sit on the counter opposite where Raye stood. She just sighed, “I am sorry, though. I just barrelled into your life and now look at the consequences.”

“Shut up, you’re always welcome here. This is your home now. Where were you before this?” Tamara queried, watching as Raye sat on the counter opposite her. She took a deep breath, looking around the empty shop before answering, “California. LA, to be specific. I didn't really like it there. I liked Louisiana, everyone was so nice. Hated Florida. And Texas.”

“How many years has it been... since you’ve seen your mom?” Tamara asked cautiously, knowing it was a sore spot. But since she was slowly getting her to open up, she figured there was no harm in trying to ask. Raye flinched slightly, before murmuring, “it’s been six years.”

Tamara felt her heart hurt a little. She couldn't imagine a life without her parents, “I’m sorry. I can't imagine how hard it is. But you know, the way you're living... its not gonna be like this forever.”

Raye nodded in agreement, but deep down, they both knew that she might be wrong.

NEXT CHAPTER

a short, but important chapter ;)

comment and tell me what you guys think! I have so many ideas for this fic, so feedback is always appreciated!

also i was considering maybe making this a reader fic rather than an oc fic? again idk so comment or send asks if you want :)

taglist: @slutforthegubes @pinkdiamond1016 @itsmyblogandillreblogifiwantto @fallinallinmendes @beyonces-breastmilk @spencerlikesapplejuice @pastathighs @gcblers @hushfakebitches @ijustcomeheretoread @thelovelyrose @187-reid @madison-malfoy @averyhotchner @haylaansmi

#spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid smut #spencer reid x reader #spencer x reader #mgg #mgg fic #mgg x reader #mgg x y/n #mgg angst #mgg fluff #mgg smut #mgg blurb #spencer reid fluff

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destiny-islanders · 4 years

Note

Hey Destiny! Planning my first trip to WDW any advice :)

(I do hope you’re planning to go after the pandemic has been dealt with first off-- there are shops, restaurants, and certain experiences/shows that will be unavailable if you go around now-ish, and as far as I know they’re still charging full-price admission. So not only is it dangerous, it’s not worth it.)

But if you try and go next year sometime when life has presumably returned to normal...

If you can, stay on property!

Not a requirement obviously, but WDW has transportation that can get you to and from the parks so you don’t have to deal with the parking lots at the parks themselves. It’s also really nice as an adult to go to EPCOT and drink around the world without having to worry about who’s driving back

It also makes staying for the fireworks much less painful... Like it is excruciating to trudge back to your car after spending all day at the park and having to deal with the insane crowds leaving the park, and traffic in the parking lots...

Staying on property allows you to get Fast Passes and make dining reservations a whole month before other guests can. Which ties into my next point...

GET FASTPASSES AND DINING RESERVATIONS AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE

If you want to go to Magic Kingdom and go on the Mine Train, Space Mountain, and Splash Mountain with FastPass, you need to have them booked sooner rather than later. Find out when you can book FastPasses and get them the second you can.

If you couldn’t get FastPasses for it, get to the park when it opens and make a beeline to your #1 attraction

I live in Florida and I have an annual pass, so it’s not a big deal if I can’t go on my favorite rides because the lines are too long. But if you’re from out of state and this is going to be your only chance to go to Disney for the year or even YEARS, arriving early is a must

Trying to get on Rise of the Resistance (the fancy new Star Wars ride) in Hollywood Studios?

You need to be inside the park before it opens. Period. That is the only way to ensure you can get on this ride since it is insanely popular. Once inside the park, you need to use the MyDisney app to secure your place in a virtual queue. Everyone in your group needs to be registered on the MyDisney app or you will not be able to make a reservation for them. Once you’ve made the reservation, you’re free to roam the park as you will until it’s your turn to ride

Grossed out by crowded public restrooms? Use one in a sit-down restaurant.

Obviously please don’t bring your whole family into a restaurant to use its restroom. I’m talking like if one or two people in your group have to go. Just walk into the restaurant like you already have a table and go to the restroom in there. Though all of the restrooms at WDW are usually well-maintained, imo they’re even nicer in the sit-down restaurants haha. This tip is a little prissy but eh. Thought I’d include it

Disney snacks you are required by law to try

Magic Kingdom

Cheshire Cat Tail (Really yummy for breakfast while you wait in line for one of your first rides of the day)

Dole Whip Ice Cream (IT’S DAIRY FREE-- my fellow lactose-intolerant people can eat it worry-free!!!)

Sweet and Spicy Chicken and Waffle sandwich (Split with friends if you have lunch or dinner plans-- delicious snack to eat between rides or at a show)

GET A BIRTHDAY CAKE SCONE FROM THE CANDY SHOP/BAKERY!!! THEY ARE MY FAVORITE DISNEY TREATS AND I ALWAYS BRING LIKE 2 OR 3 HOME WITH ME

Animal Kingdom

Cinnamon roll (A classic-- and again, a perfect breakfast treat to share while you queue)

Night Blossom (Or its alcoholic equivalent-- really yummy slushies perfect to sip on in the outdoor queues in Avatar world)

Blueberry Cream Cheese Mousse (Need I say more? Yes it’s kind of dangerous if you can’t handle dairy though. Maybe steal a bite from someone’s just to experience life’s fleeting joys)

EPCOT

Adults who booze are obligated imo to get a Grey Goose Lemonade slushie in France. Tangy and sweet. COLD. Delicious.

Tarte aux Fraises (Honestly you can’t go wrong with anything in France... everything I’ve tried there is amazing...)

Giant pretzel (Not exactly a Disney-exclusive thing but... they’re humongous and a great snack to share with a group)

Side note while we’re in Germany-- there’s a little bar tucked into the corner near the back of this area. If you’re drinking around the world, go in there and get Apfel shots. Trust me I have good taste.

If they have them when you’re there... You need to get a meat bun in Japan. They are one of my favorite things to get at Disney Springs or in the parks when they’re available.

Hollywood Studios

(I’m not gonna lie this is not the park to get your snack on. There’s only one snack here I’m super passionate about...)

If you’re there around breakfast time (which you will be if you got there early for Star Wars), the S’mores French Toast in Toy Story Land is DELICIOUS. Just grab napkins. A lot of napkins.

Giant pretzel

This is not a recommendation, this is a warning: THE MILK IN STAR WARS LAND IS GROSS AND I HATED EVERY SECOND A DROP OF IT WAS IN MY MOUTH

Rides you should try to do while you’re in the park

Magic Kingdom

Space Mountain

Splash Mountain (I wear a poncho because I hate having wet clothes,,,,,)

I think Thunder Mountain is kinda lame but I guess it’s worth doing if the line isn’t terribly long

Dwarf Mine Train

Pirates of the Caribbean

Buzz Lightyear Space Ranger Spin (smacktalk in the queue and try to maintain your dignity when you get 9000 points and all of your friends have nearly broken 1 million)

Haunted Mansion

Mickey’s Phillarmagic

Animal Kingdom

Expedition Everest

It’s Tough To Be a Bug (this show will probably terrify your young children if you have any, just a warning)

Flight of Passage (I GUESS... none of the rides in the Avatar section of the park are worth a 2 hour wait if you ask me...)

Dinosaur (again, this ride will probably terrify your young children... I think it’s scarier than Jurassic Park at Universal if you can believe it)

Kilimanjaro Safari (get a Fast Pass for this one-- it’s probably one of the most popular attractions in AK)

Kali River Rapids (in which I once again don a poncho like a 50-year-old man)

Festival of the Lion King (corny as hell but it’s fun)

EPCOT

(If you’re not here to check out the exhibits in each country idk what you’re doing here haha)

Test Track (honestly the only ride I like there)

Spaceship Earth (yes it’s a slow dark ride but it’s really charming and there’s a bit at the end that will probably make you and your group cry laughing)

Gran Fiesta Tour (It’s hidden in the temple in Mexico. Cute little boat ride with Donald and the Three Caballeros)

Soarin’ (My friends and I have an endurance competition to see who can keep their legs held out straight the longest throughout the ride. We got some of the people sitting around us to join in the last time we rode which was pretty hilarious haha)

I’ve heard the Frozen ride is fun, but I’ve never ridden on it myself, so I can’t really comment on it

Note about Mission Space: I got really sick on this ride, and I rode the TAME version. Most of my friends also get sick on this ride. It’s worth trying once if you’re really curious, but I was knocked on my ass for half of my day at EPCOT after riding this one.)

Hollywood Studios

Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster (A really fun ride but try to keep your head back or you will have a headache all day... Bring ibuprofen.)

Tower of Terror (Probably one of my favorite Disney rides in any park. Will most likely further terrify your small children who may still be traumatized from the bugs and dinosaurs of Animal Kingdom)

Rise of the Resistance (I don’t care about Star Wars but uh. Yeah. This ride was pretty dope.)

Smuggler’s Run (One of the more immersive rides I’ve been on... The ride vehicle is cool as all get-out and there are lots of buttons you can push and levers to pull... Blame one of your friends for being a bad pilot when you only manage to snag two pieces of cargo)

Toy Story Mania (exhaust yourself and make your arms really sore as you desperately try to exert your dominance over your friends as you pop balloons with darts and throw rings around volcanos before they erupt)

MuppetVision (I’m a Muppets ride or die fan and I still think this ride is charming and funny. There’s usually never a line so it’s a perfect break in the air conditioning with beloved characters)

Minnie and Mickey’s Runaway Railway (I haven’t gotten to ride this yet, but I’ve heard good things-- and the Mickey shorts this ride is based on are HILARIOUS, so I expect good things)

Indiana Jones Epic Stunt Spectacular (DISCLAIMER: Only really fun if someone in your group is selected to be one of the townsfolk. My sister got picked last time and it was hilarious)

Fantasmic! (I like all of the fireworks shows minus the Star Wars one in HS because I really don’t care but. Fantasmic stands out. You have to watch it at least once. Try to catch the first show if you can so you can avoid some of the rush of guests leaving the park at the very end of the night)

#destiny answers #long post #Anonymous

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slut-for-fandoms · 4 years

Text

Paint me yours || Part 2

Pairings: Artist!Taehyung x reader

Word count: 2k

Genre: smut, fluff, angst (in the following chapters)

Summary: You are an art college student who struggles with finances. Until one day, on an exhibition of the arising artist Kim Taehyung, when the same boy offers you a job as his model. Would it be just a simple job or would it complicate your life in ways you have never thought it would?

Warnings: None in this one

PART 1

A/N: I know, I know. Its been ages since I first posted part 1, but I was struggling with a lot of things and lack of inspiration of what and how to write it. Honestly, I am not even sure how this one turned out to be, at one point I was thinking of just posting the smut part, but part of me really wants to try and build this up with all the emotions I could put into the story. I hope you like it and please leave a comment as it will mean a lot to me :) Sorry for the mistakes you are gonna face!

Thrill. Surprise. Excitement. Nervousness. And all thanks to a small piece of paper.

“I will be looking forward to your answer, darling. ;)”

-K.T. Number: ********95

I’ve been playing with it for the last 5 days, 17 hours and… 39 minutes ruminating whether I should call him or not. Groaning in annoyance I throw it on the bed, next to me. Running my hands through my face and hair, I close my eyes in attempt to recall the events from that night.

‘I- um what?’ my brain was so slow in processing the information, that I didn’t even realize I had spoken out loud. He only chuckled. His hand disappeared in the inside pocket of his golden coat searching for something. My confused and taken-aback self was following his movements with the hope to grasp what was happening. His long and soft fingers soon showed, holding a small piece of paper. His other hand was already holding a pen and he scrabbled something on it.

‘I’d like to work with you dear.’ he announced while handing me the paper. My eyes were moving from his aristocratic hands to his soft hazel eyes as my mouth was opened slightly making me look like a fish out of the ocean.

He licked his lower lip, then bit it trying to prevent his smile when my body somehow decided to react at take the paper.

‘You are indeed an interesting person Ms. (Y/N). Unfortunately, I need to leave but I truly hope we meet soon.’ winking he turned around and slowly excited the room. This gave me the opportunity to observe him more. Even his walk was showing gracefulness and elegance. His head was held high, showing the confidence he had and to show the respect to the people who came to ‘contemplate’ his works. He was smiling, thanking to his guests, shaking hands with them. Once he disappeared I glanced at the slip of paper in my hands.

‘(Y/N)!’ the screaming and banging on my door brought me back in the reality. Although all of this happened almost a week ago my body still reacts to any memory of him. The thought of him smiling, makes me smile too, the way his piercing eyes were looking at me causes my heart to skip a beat, his laugh…oh god his laugh. Every single fucking time I recall that boxy and cute shape of his mouth when he laughs and the sparkles that reach his eyes… ‘(Y/N)!’

‘Stop banging on the damn door, I can hear you!’ I shout back angrily.

‘Then fucking answer.’ groaning I get up from the bed and go to open the door for my roommate.

‘What?’ crossing my arms in front of my chest I lean on the door frame.

‘Dear, why the attitude?’ she looks at me concerned, ‘Are you on your period?’

‘What? No! I-‘, inhaling I try to gather myself, ‘I just have a lot of projects to finish. Don’t worry. Why were you trying to knock my door off some seconds ago?’ her face changes from worry to sympathy and then to a big smile.

‘Oh yeah, about that…’ all of a sudden the smile disappears which confuses me.

‘Come on, spill the beans.’ I wasn’t really in the mood to deal with people.

‘I need you to leave for the night?’

‘Excuse you, I what?’ I really hope she is joking with me right now.

‘Look. I do not want to do it but Jackson is crashing here tonight and I-’, she stutters as she’s trying to explain me everything.

‘You want some time alone and blah blah blah. I get it Rose but I have nowhere to go, you do know that.’ I wanted to be angry, I really wanted but I just couldn’t.

Being an art student with almost no financial support is really hard. The money my mum sends me is never enough due to fact we both come from a poor country. She works her ass off every damn day to support my dreams. Some months ago I was kicked out of my old flat because I wasn’t able to pay the rent. Thank god I had Rose as one of my really close friends to offer me her place to crash for some time until I find a place. I was feeling bad enough that I wasn’t paying anything to her and god knows how many times the fact I’ve been living with her have ruined her plans. I even started working two jobs but balancing them with my projects is almost impossible, that’s why I had to quit one of them two weeks ago.

‘I know (Y/N) but it is Jackson’s birthday. I have planned everything. I really want it to be the best evening if you know what I mean.’

Taking a deep breath I answer her.

‘I will see what I can do.’, suddenly her face was beaming with happiness.

‘Gosh, you are the best (Y/N)!’ Rose hurried to hug me with the smile never leaving her face ‘I am gonna treat you with pancakes tomorrow. I know they are your favourite.’

After that she goes to her room, probably to start preparing for tonight. Sighing, I hold my head against the door the second I close it. I turned around and looked at my phone. 11:23 am. Good. Today is Friday, my day off of one of the jobs. Maybe I can call to get a night shift? It that way I will be out almost the whole night and come back in the morning when everything is finished. Perfect! Jumping with excitement I open my phone and search for my boss’ number.

‘Hello, Mr. Kim! It’s (Y/N)!’, I speak as soon as my boss picks up.

‘Oh, Hello there (Y/N)!’, his raspy voice greets me back. I am not gonna lie, I might have or might have not had a massive crush on him when I started working. What can I say? That man is quite a walking sex on legs and nobody can resist him, ‘It is strange, I was about to call you in an hour.’, he laughs drily which makes me uncomfortable immediately. I may have not worked there for a long time but I learned how to sense his mood as it is a fast changing one.

‘Is something wrong, sir? I wanted to ask if there is a chance about taking a night shift today. I know it is my free day but I kinda need it if-’

‘About that, dear…’, he cuts me off. There is a moment of silence on the phone before he speaks, ‘I think we might not need you anymore. Do not get me wrong, dear. You have been doing more than a great job, but at this point, with Jiso coming back after he accident, we are too many people and I cannot pay everyone the deserved salary or even separate the amount of work equally between everybody.’

‘And I was the last one to join, yeah… I get it why it is me.’, I sit down on my bed, trying to compose myself and not start crying on the phone with my fucking boss. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

‘I am really sorry, (Y/N)! You are amazing, but I can’t fire the others, most of them depend on it more’, yeah because I don’t, but decided to not state it out in anger, ‘I wanted to tell you weeks before this actually happens but I just couldn’t. You can come tomorrow to get your weekly salary with some compensation from us for the situation I put you in. I will try to contact some of my business friends and allies and see if they search for somebody and recommend you.’

‘That would be very nice, thank you, sir.’

‘Again, Sorry dear! I hope you have a nice day.’

‘Yeah…’, my first were clenched and I was ready to go and storm into his office and beat the hell out of him, ‘Have a nice day, too, sir!’, I did my best to fake the nicest tone I could before hanging up.

How the hell did this happen? My anger soon turned into panic and desperation. I cannot lose my job just like that. It is completely out of the blue. I need the money. I barely pull the two ends together, and I am not even paying for a place to stay. That is horrible. That is horrible. What am I supposed to do now? I can’t tell my mum that. She will make me go back and we are already deep in debt.

Inhale! Exhale! Inhale! Exhale! Deep breaths. Everything is going to be fine! Just breathe and think. Think (Y/N)! It is mid-term, almost every possible job has already been taken by the students. I struggles so much with finding this one and the money were so good. It was pure luck. I should not have quitted being a waitress. Oh, god I am so stupid!

In frustration I lay back on the bed with my hands covering my face. But as soon as I lay down something tickles my cheek. One of hands traces the spot in order to find what the hell is on my face. I turn around to see it when my fingers wrap around it. It is the small note from Taehyung. I smile a little bit at it. It was literally the only good thing that has happened to me in the past week…wait.

I sit up abruptly and stare at the note unbelievingly. Should I? I take my phone. What if he was just joking with you? I leave the phone. Why would he? He must have given me the note with a reason? Right? Right?! My insecurities and lack of common sense fight for the next seconds.

Jesus Christ, why is it so hard to decide?

Okay, let’s see. I can text him that I am considering the offer and that it will be temporary until I find a stable job. I heard models earn a lot for such sessions. Maybe It will be enough to keep me going for now? Gosh, I hope so.

My heart is ready to leave my chest when I unlock my phone and open the contacts to dial his number. My hands are shaking while trying to write it down.

Okay, now what? What should I text him?

Hello! It is (Y/N), the desperate broke girl you offer to model for you 5 days ago.

Okay, too much info! Come on, (Y/N)! Be professional. I try to delete it but, because I am (Y/N) and luck is never on my side, I click on the send button.

Shit! Fuck! The hell! Stupid bitch! I guess I just lost the job before even being able to get it. Great. Just fucking great. Should I at least try to somehow improve the situation? To make myself not look like a fucking loser? As if the last one is possible.

All of a sudden my phone starts ringing which put me in panic mode. It’s him. What do I do? What do I do?

‘Hello?’, I curse at myself how shaky and high-pitched my voice sounded.

‘Hello, dear!’, oh my sweet gosh, his voice sounded so much better than in the memories I had from that night. It was deep, smooth, feeling as though honey was running through my veins, ‘I did not think you would ever call.’, I can sense the smile in his voice.

‘Well, my schedule is kind of full’, I wish there was somebody there to slap me and pour some sense into me.

‘I am glad you found time for me then.’, he laughs and at this point I had the feeling my heart will just give up and stop beating, ‘Have you considered my offer?’

‘I- I kind of have some questions before we start a-’

‘Before we start?’, chuckling he continues, ‘I take that as a yes. When are you free to start my dear?’

‘Um, I guess today? But I want to know wh-’

‘That’s the best news I could hear today! How about you come tonight and we start? I will answer your questions and you will see what you should do and eventually if you want to stop, I will respect your decision.’

‘Well?’, he asks after some moments of silence which I didn’t even realize have slipped.

‘What time do you want me tonight?’

If you want to be tagged in the next parts, please let me know :) <3

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pergimelaut · 3 years

Text

Books I read in 2020.

I was once platonically attracted to a friend. Not only did he tell me the name of the person he liked (not me, of course), but also the reasons why. I could’ve mentioned two or three, but one reason sank me in was, “Because she likes to learn.” He didn’t say that to offend me since that night was one of those meetings in which he is the spotlight of our conversations, yet I couldn’t help but feel offended. I thought, “That certainly can’t be me. I don’t like to learn.” I never did, actually.

It was a wake up call that, all this time, I had been stuck in the peak of Mountain Stupid, one of the stages of Dunning-Kruger effect—a phase where you were filled with nothing but arrogance and overconfidence, before the realization “you didn’t know anything at all” hit you like a bucket of cold water.

Well I didn’t change myself after that, though. But in my defense, I decided to read 70-something books in the third year of my student press organization’s membership (which I later failed) long before I had had the conversation with him. I had had my own reason at first, but whatever it was, it was slowly but surely shifted with an ultimate goal created due to that very night, “I want to like to learn.”

Long story short, I was able to read 33 books in 2020.

It’s nowhere near an achievement to be proud of, so I cancelled my plan to write about it and upload it on a platform where I could gain a higher chance he would read it. I know, I know, I shouldn’t seek validation from another person besides myself—after all 33 books were quite impressive for someone like me who don’t really like books, so I shouldn’t be embarrassed about it nor should I be disappointed with the fact that the plan must be cancelled as I was miserably failing, but, welp, so. Okay. In this post, I would like to tell you the books I read in 2020, sort by chronological order.

Yeah, I uploaded it on my personal blog instead, what a dramatic turn of events.

Manifesto Flora was the first book I read, finished it on 2 January 2020. I believe I started to read it on the last couple days of 2019, so it was kinda cheating. It’s a compilation of short stories. All of them were amazing but there was a short story that I really enjoyed titled “Bekas Teman Baikku”. The author had written a short story for a yearly student magazine organized by a student press organization I later joined.

One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel García Márquez was an amazing novel it earned 5 stars on my Goodreads account. My teacher had been telling us about it as he taught magical realism in Creative Writing class. I finished it in three days—I remember those days where I didn’t do anything besides reading; I woke up in the morning and started to read. That was the only thing I did all day. It almost felt like reading was my hobby. (Spoiler alert: It’s not.)

Hidup di Luar Tempurung was the third book I read. I wasn’t in the best mood to read at that time, but I pushed myself, ended up finishing it but also regretting it since I knew that this book deserved to be treated well. After that I read Bagaimana Tuhan Menciptakan Cahaya by Raka Ibrahim and O: Tentang Seekor Monyet yang Ingin Menikah dengan Kaisar Dangdut by Eka Kurniawan, ended up disliking both by simply because I didn’t enjoy them, I gave them 2 stars.

Then, well. Global pandemic left me shell-shocked as everyone else, really.

One month nearly passed but thankfully I managed to finish the first e-book titled Filosofi Teras by the end of March. I liked the book at first, even for a short period of time I felt like I could rely on the book as I was trying to cope with anxiety, but turned out it’s a false hope since I simply couldn’t become that rational LOL. But topics about stoicism still got my attention though—perhaps it’d remain as something I could admire. Pulang by Leila S. Chudori was a really good book, another one with 5 stars. Later I learned that having 1965-ish as a setting for novels is mainstream, but since I hadn’t known that, it left me in awe.

Then I got tired.

I wasn’t in the mood to read any books, so I turned into Japanese books—my admittedly guilty pleasure. I read Naruto Secret Chronicles: Shikamaru’s Story: A Cloud Drifting in Silent Darkness, a light novel from Naruto based on Shikamaru’s perspective. Although I wouldn’t mention it as one of the books I read in 2020, it was surprisingly a good book. It taught me about Naruto’s universe beyond what I knew, such as politics and government involved. It helped set the mood, so I continued with Ichigo Doumei, another Japanese novel. It was a book mentioned in Your Lie in April, one of my anime recommendations. It’s a good, simple wholesome story that taught us to treasure the life we had. I disliked the female lead character, though—I still do.

I read Kubah by Ahmad Tohari, a novel my teacher once mentioned, which I dislike, and much hate later on, since it gave people wrong assumptions about PKI and what’s surrounding the 1965 tragedy. After that I fell into Kagerou Daze fandom where I spent a lot amount of time consuming the songs, manga, anime, and also light novels—making me successfully adding Kagerou Daze Vol. 3: The Children Reason, Kagerou Daze Vol. 4: The Missing Children, and Kagerou Daze Vol. 5: The Deceiving to my Goodreads’ bookshelf. The latter was my favourite among them. As I hyped with Japanese authors, I thought it was best to finish Before the Coffee Gets Cold, a Japanese novel I found from a post about, well, Japanese novel recommendations. It’s a fun experience; an enjoyable story with a heart-warming ending.

Four Japanese novels in a row brought me to cursed loop as I realized I had not “learned” enough. Whereas I did learn something with each Japanese novel I read, it wasn’t “learning” that I’d planned in the first place.

August was a month where I thought, “Eh, maybe I like books,” because I read 8 books in one month. I read Setan van Oyot by Djokolelono, a book published by Marjin Kiri. The novel was well-constructed from the start to the middle part, but unfortunately NOT until the end. Another note: it didn’t bother giving us the translation of both the local and foreign languages used in the story, which is good! I also had the energy to consume Of Mice and Men, a classic book mentioned in Pulang.

I had spent days in library and bookstore when I finished Hidup Begitu Indah dan Hanya Itu yang Kita Punya—it made me aspire to achieve the ability to write articles like Dea Anugerah, the author. I also read Ketakberhinggaan di Telapak Tangannya by Gioconda Belli which easily became one of my favourite books of the year.

I read The Heart is A Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers, another book with a writing style I would aspire to achieve. It’s a good social-realism novel covering racism towards black people, the life of a curious little girl, a perspective from a blind-deaf man, and the socialist guy—everything was set around the 1930s, written by a brilliant 23-year-old woman. It has some translation issues, unfortunately. Then I continued with Kekerasan Budaya Pasca 1965: Bagaimana Orde Baru Melegitimasi Anti-Komunisme Melalui Sastra dan Film. I’ve been wanting to be able to convey my thoughts in a well-constructed thesis like what the book did.

Tango & Sadimin by Ramayda Akmal was the next, and it was enjoyable even though not satisfying—at least it helped me discover my tendency towards social-realism novels. Then I read Xenoglosofilia: Kenapa Harus Nginggris? by Ivan Lanin—it didn’t help me that much despite its educational contents, but perhaps I just didn’t find what I was looking for.

September was a shameful month as I didn’t read any books AT ALL. I planned to read at least one book per month, that’s why I set 12 books in my Goodreads. My goal wasn’t to read books, but to like them, so what I set up was simply the habit. Looking back at what I did—finishing One Hundred Years of Solitude—I could read book all day if I want to. But I want to become someone who, even if for a few pages, read books every day. And I considered myself failing when September passed without any finished books added to the list.

November came and I read El hablador by Mario Vargas Llosa, a book I had been desperately looking for that my friend finally lent to me. I gave them 5 stars because it greatly helped me in understanding indigenous people and how important it is to support their rights.

Then I desperately turned back to another Japanese novel, this time The Kudravka Sequence by Honobu Yonezawa. It successfully made me fall in love with one specific character because I feel represented, then I looked up Wikia and the synopsis of the next novels, and ended up disappointed LOL. I got tired again and read Sebuah Pertanyaan untuk Cinta by Seno Gumira Ajidarma, a book which I couldn’t believe had written by the Seno Gumira Ajidarma LOL(2). Then in order to set up the mood, I bought my friend’s self-published short stories, Dongeng Sebelum Tidur: Kumpulan Cerita Pendek. It was the first time I added a book to Goodreads. I told her that I uploaded a review and gave her 5 stars. She was really happy and I too was happy because of it.

December approached as well as final exams. So many papers with short deadlines, and despite that, I read books instead on working with my papers—procrastinator as its finest, you see. I read two Agatha Christie’s books, The ABC Murders and Five Little Pigs, two novels I had really wanted to read in years. After exams passed, I somehow gained my energy back. I read Kisah Seekor Camar dan Kucing yang Mengajarinya Terbang by Luis Sepulveda, an enjoyable novella reminding us to take care of animals and protecting the environment from pollution. I wrapped up 2020 with two classic books, No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai and Down and Out in Paris and London by George Orwell.

Yup, that’s it!

Now that I’ve just tracked back all the books I read, I realize that my reading experience has its ups and downs. I ain’t good at keeping my mood stable to do the same activities for a long period of time, and I earned the energy back by—apparently—switching into Japanese novels or light-themed books.

Long story cut short, I failed to read 70-something books. But I also recovered from the heartbreak I guess (LOL), and that’s good news! (Although maybe I forced myself to move on, since the goal was the indicator whether I’m worth it or not, and I failed.) (I shouldn’t have done that to myself, but I had no chance at all in the first place, though. That’s why if I could move on by setting an impossible goal, failed in the process, and helplessly gave up, so be it!)

Thank you for reading.

(And thanks to Anggy who beta read the post! <3)

#english #tentang saya

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local-femme-gentleman · 4 years

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10 things I’ve watched in the quarantine (so far)

1. Dazed and Confused 1993 ‧ Comedy/Indie film ‧ 1h 43m

So, I kicked off the apocalypse lockdown with Dazed and Confused - and yes, even though the movie made me realise I was going to have to survive literal months without my usual amount of marijuana consumption, it also filed me with that warped sense of nostalgia and longing for a bygone era that Dazed and Confused always leaves me with - especially a deep yearning for seventies music because the soundtrack of this movie may be one of its best aspects. It is equal parts kinda stupid, ridiculously fun, and wholly introspective, and at the end of the day I love this movie for helping me see what my boomer parents - and their whole generation - were like as teenagers more than anything else.

2. 2001: A Space Odyssey 1968 ‧ Sci-fi/Adventure ‧ 2h 44m

2001: A Space Odyssey has since its release become an absolute classic, and I for one adore it to absolute death. This was one of the first ‘adult’ movies I watched, I was 11 years old at the time - and although I didn’t understand it then, and frankly got a little bored, revisiting it now (after having rewatched it many many many times, and as a slightly older, well, kid) I’ve come to absolutely love it. I personally was looking for some slightly longer movies for the lockdown - considering I have more than enough time, and if you are too then this one may be just what you’re looking for - even if you’ve seen it already. There’s always more to discover in a movie like this one.

3. Okja 2017 ‧ Adventure/Drama ‧ 2 hours

Of all the movies on this list this may be the one I recommend the least. Not because it’s a bad movie, because it honestly and truly isn’t ( Bong Joon Ho still definitely came through for this one), however, this movie is, in my opinion, far too heartbreaking for this exact moment in time. If it was any other period in history I would be overwhelmingly promoting this movie, because I honestly and truly loved it - but it made me want to give up meat in a period of time where I simply do not have the resources for that to be an option. So if you’re down with your day just getting a little bit sadder, albeit in a not entirely bad way, I’d say watch Okja - if not, then I’d say, just for now, maybe stay away.

4. Spirited Away 2001 ‧ Animation/Fantasy ‧ 2h 5m

Okay, I love this movie, my parents love this movie, your parents love this movie, your sister loves this movie, your best friend loves this movie, you’re-cousin’s-nephew’s-dog’s-best-friend’s-owner loves this movie - and, if you don’t love this movie, well, each to their own but you’re kind of a monster. Spirited Away is one of those universally agreed upon masterpieces, everything about this movie just makes you feel good, from the colours, to the world, to the characters, to the animation. Spirited Away wraps you up in a blanket of all things warm and comforting in this world - if you’re looking to just feel better, which given current situations you probably are, this is the one for you.

5. Before Sunrise 1995 ‧ Romance/Drama ‧ 1h 45m

I’ve always loved this trilogy, yes, it may be one of the most teenage girl things to ever exist, the ultimate teenage girl fantasy, but what’s wrong with that? Before Sunrise, at every watch and rewatch, makes me want to meet a stranger on a train and just wander somewhere in europe for a single night. I’m fairly sure this will never happen, but this is the perfect time for daydreaming and so I will. Honestly, this movie truly is good, the amount of angles explored in Jesse and Celine’s still forming relationship over a single night is fascinating and it’s a very pretty film. If you’re just looking for something light and easy to watch - that gets you just the right amount of emotional, this is the one for you.

6. The Royal Tenenbaums 2001 ‧ Drama/Comedy-drama ‧ 1h 50m

Oh so you thought I’d go one recommendations video without mentioning Wes? Ha. Okay look, The Royal Tenenbaums is probably my fifth favorite Wes movie, but considering I love basically every Wes Anderson movie that isn’t not saying much. The Tenenbaum siblings stand as some of my favorite Wes Anderson characters and I love Angelica Houston no matter who she plays. The Royal Tenenbaums is just a good Wes Anderson film, and you get exactly what you’d want and expect from it - whip pans, impeccable wardrobes, symmetrical shots, a Wilson Brother, a sugary colour pallette, the futura font, and rich white people, well, being rich white people

7. American Vandal 2017 ‧ Satire ‧ 2 seasons

Ok I’ll say it, this is the perfect quarantine show. It’s completely stupid in the smartest way possible, absurdly funny, and overall one of the best shows netflix has ever produced. If you’re looking for a laugh, and I know I was when I clicked on this, then this is the one for you. American Vandal is satire at its peak - and I can officially say that both seasons hold up at a third rewatch, because yes, I’ve watched this entire show three times over. If you like true-crime series, or The Office and Parks and Rec (and yes I see the disparity in genre) then you will absolutely adore American vandal - and the fact that this show didn’t get a third season is a whole tragedy. Shame on you Netflix, shame on you.

8. Marriage Story 2019 ‧ Comedy-drama/Drama ‧ 2h 17m

Again, considering current times Marriage Story may have not been the best choice, but hey, I love this movie, and as sad as it makes me, it also makes me incredibly happy in a bittersweet sort of way. The good thing about marriage story is that it’s one of those films you truly get lost in, when I watched it just a few days ago, I truly and honestly, for just those few moments, forgot about everything going on right now, and - i say this at a risk of sounding selfish, I know - it felt good. Marriage Story is by far one of my favorite movies of last year, the writing is gorgeous, the editing is genius, and although the movie isn’t intrinsically happy in nature, it may just be what you need right now.

9. Every John Mulaney Special New in Town ‧ The Comeback Kid ‧ Kid Gorgeous ‧ etc.

So I, in true Gen-Z fashion, have watched every John Mulaney Comedy Special many many times. I love these specials, they truly mean quite a bit to me. I like playing these in the back while I do other things like cleaning my room or cooking. I think I watched him so much that his voice has become almost comforting - I may have formed a bit of an attachment. Chances are you’ve probably seen at least one John Mulaney Special, if you’ve only seen one watch the rest! And if you’ve seen the all then rewatch like I did! For me, this is the perfect time to just watch some good standup, so even if it isn’t John, just watch a comedian who makes you happy - trust me, it’ll help.

10. Tangled 2010 ‧ Animation/Musical ‧ 1h 40m

Ok so honestly my friends put this on together on Netflix Party to watch that first song and get some self-quarantine ideas - but then we just watched the whole movie so, yeah. I do love Tangled though, it was one of my favourite Disney movies as a kid, granted I’ve always been more of a Pixar girl (speaking of which this is the best time to binge on Pixar movies!!!!). Honestly, this is just a solid disney movie, it’s cute, it’s adorably animated, I properly adore Pascal and Maximus because no matter how old I get I will always adore a fun animal sidekick. Honestly, now is just a good time to watch a good disney movie, I had fun with this movie okay, no lie it was great.

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direwolf-summer · 5 years

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Wolfstar Top Ten Challenge

I know, I know, I’m so late to the party, but better late than never, right? Thanks to @aryastark-valarmorghulis for reaching out, and here we go, in no particular order, my Wolfstar Top Ten Challenge for @wolfstarwarehouse

Map of the Problematique (D.M.L.E. Evidentiary File 142-3b.), by SullenSiren(Lorax)

If I was ever blessed with the ability to write, I wish I could write like SullenSiren. Map of the Problematique is like, the epitome of a wolfstar fic for me.

Favorite quote:

"Wanker."

"Git."

"Werewolf."

"Blood traitor."

The barbs could have stung, and would have from some, but Remus just smiled at him. "Throw that out."

Amateur Cartography, by @montpahrnah

Words are beyond me when it comes to Montparnasse. Her writing is murderously beautiful and profoundly emotional. I have to stop several times during the reading because I literally have to catch my breath. Her prose exhausts all my emotions but I want her story to never end. I thank all the gods of literature that she ships r/s as hard as I do, or maybe more, because I’ve heard no less than 10 people say they are willing to sacrifice their soul in order to write one sentence like hers, just one.

Favorite quote:

I don’t think I can pick one I just want to quote the whole piece

Advent, by coyotesuspect

All I could hope for in a MWPP era wolfstar. I can’t even remember how many times I reread this story. Warm and familiar like the lines of my palm.

Favorite quote:

“Moony hates it when you’re overprotective. He thinks it’s patronizing. You know.” His nose twitches . “Condescending.”

“I know what patronizing means Wormtail,” says Sirius, tone proving his point.

Peter makes a face. “Yeah, ‘course mate. I’m just saying, Moony doesn’t like that. That’s why he’s in a strop.”

How Remus got his groove back, by RealityShowJunky (check out her Tumblr she’s magnificent: @theprongsletthatlived )

Probably the best one I’ve ever read in the ex-lover trope. The exchange between Remus and Fabian is HILARIOUS.

Favorite quote:

“I have a friend,” Remus paused for a beat. “I have a friend named Sirius Black. I think that’s weirder.”

“Okay, I acknowledge that Sirius Black is weird, but it’s still not weirder than Wolf Wolf.”

“Sirius Black is an adjective and a color.”

“First of all, don’t lie, Sirius is a star. Second of all, Wolf Wolf. ”

They’re hiding inside me, by @funnydivine

Stunning. Intricate plot and amazing characterization. Another author who never disappoints, but criminally underrated in my opinion. I particularly like her dark humor.

Favorite quote:

"I feel like I've known all about you, for years," says Sirius. "I've seen all the scars on your body. I've made two of them. Sometimes I feel like I know everything there is to know about you. Don't you find that odd?"

"You don't know half of it," says Remus quietly.

A Heart Closing, by @sqvalors

Features my favorite Sirius with angles sharper than any knife you’ve ever seen. Sqvalors has a way with words that make every sentence like a poem and every punctuation like a sigh. I can never recommend her enough.

Favorite quote:

Remus is all too used to watching him navigate the world unaware of his own edges: Sirius walking a wire with no safety net, Sirius daring himself to fall, eighteen and bursting with a wildness he's trying desperately to carve into something purposeful. It always ends messily, and Sirius always ends up hurting.

Fingerholds, by centaurea_m

My God. This is a Dream. Read slowly, you don’t want to miss any word. I wrote a rec speciafically for it before, you can check it out here.

Work With This, by @veeagainsttheday

I know many of you guys have highly recommended vee’s Active Reader, but this one is a gem too, I promise! It’s a beautiful get-together fic set in my favorite period of time aka First War With Voldemort.

Favorite quote:

‘I’ve been so…’ Sirius stopped again. ‘Are you flirting with me?’

‘Good catch,’ Remus said. He poured the milk, careful not to spill it as his hands seemed to be quite shaky all of a sudden. ‘I have been for about twenty four hours now.’

Three Card Monte, by @enjambament

This piece of Ocean’s 11 AU totally changed my idea of what fanfics can do. 13844 words, yet it’ s more exciting than an actual Hollywood movie. I love every bits of it.

Favorite quote:

“Hey, hey,” James says, soft. He scoots closer to her and slides his arm around her back slowly, pressing Tonks into his shoulder. “When people say “it’s not you, it’s him” it’s very rarely true, but this time I can promise you it is. Remus and Sirius have been together for almost fifteen years. They know each other better than they know themselves. When I say together, I mean they can’t love anything in the world as hard and deep and fast and close as they love each other.”

The Weather Inside, by @earlyblooming

The culmination of pining!Remus! I think I can die peacefully after reading the happy ending. earlybloomingparentheses’s writing is brutally honest and incredibly clever, and her exploration of Remus’s expression of his own desire and sexuality is precious.

Favorite quote:

But to let go of the way he feels about Sirius is to give up a part of himself and Remus isn’t sure he’s capable anymore of discerning how big that part is or even where its boundaries lie. Keeping his desire locked tight inside him for so long has given it precisely the power Remus wanted to withhold; with no outlet, no place to go, it has woven itself like a creeper vine into all the darkest recesses of himself, into all his hollows and chambers, his tiniest cracks and crannies; unfurling itself in the only way it knows how, insidious, climbing, it has woven itself into the very fabric of Remus. There is ivy at Hogwarts, Professor Sprout told his class once, that can never be removed, because it has become so entangled with the castle that the stones themselves would crumble without the plant to support them.

Ten is too few! I must have left out many favorites...

#fic rec #wolfstar #r/s #wolfstar top ten challenge #my favorite

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nomorevanillabeanicecream · 4 years

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no more vanilla bean ice cream

they were out of vanilla bean ice cream, they had vanilla, french vanilla, sweet cream vanilla and cheesecake vanilla, but not vanilla bean, when did everyone all of a sudden get into vanilla bean, everyone was a pig they could not care less about the bean in the vanilla or not, but now apparently everyone was into vanilla bean ice cream because last week there was a full row of umpqua vanilla bean ice cream and now there was none

so I’m waiting in line at safeway with my subpar vanilla ice cream after I had gone on a much needed quarantine run right after spending two hours texting my friend and she was telling me about how google owns all the data in the world and not only has enough data to know me better than myself, but since they know everyone else’s data too, they know my friends data so they know me in context, the whole thing was very depressing so depressing i didnt even want to use a period in my writing anymore because what the fuck was the point of punctuation anyway in this world, i would still be nice and use commas, just to give my fingers a break and be able to get a thought in or so.

i guess i could also accommodate for paragraphs break at visually appropriate times, it didn't matter if it was contextually appropriate or not, i was going to drop a paragraph break because i know people like paragraphs, charles dickens and dostoevsky and jane austen and leo tolstoy never made paragraph breaks that's why no one ever read their books, people just say they read them to seem smart but they never really read them they just knew it was the right thing to say that they were literary geniuses because their books were so long, see people like to lie and say they know the work of a great author even though they only read a few quotes by them, but that was enough to say good and bad things about writers without ever knowing what the hell they did, few understand the theory of relativity but everyone calls einstein a genius.

the thing about quarantine was that at this point i had gotten used to seeing very few people in my life and i was enjoying it so whenever i had to go to the supermarket i had to see all these people and boy were they gross, maybe i would not have seen them as so gross if had gotten my vanilla bean ice cream but i had not so, they were gross, they were all getting so fat, and fat in like weird ways, not like fat on the sides like the michelin tire guy or a cute belly like the pillsbury dough boy or like that kinda funny superfat like homer simpson or peter griffin they were just gross fat, like it looked like they had just been eating garbage and watching netflix fat, like this one guy seemed like if you got a pillowcase filled it up with hot lard and then poked two pool cues on the bottom of it, this other lady looked like a minifridge emptied into a potato sack.

the asses were the worst part, it was kinda hot so everyone was wearing shorts and it was not appropriate when they wear shorts always have that like red line right under the shorts and it does not look that great, the oddest one was the skinny ass but with fat legs, i did not get that one, the person would have no ass mass at all but then the legs were super fat i did not understand what they were doing to get their bodies to look this way, a lot of people were also walking around with wedgies, a lot of people were also walking around in pajamas covered in animal hair and it was gross, its like you have nowhere to go, you are all complaining about not having the right to go out, so when you do go out why not maybe spruce things up, honour life, honour your fellow human, no, screw that we are all going to behave like the whole entire public sphere is a big ass pijama party,

the whole facemask thing, wait before, i start talking about the facemask thing, everytime i start a new paragraph, google is trying to force me into capitalizing the first letter, it doesn't even ask me if i want to capitalize it, it just goes ahead and does it, google is such an presumptuous douche sometimes, now when i write in gmail, it autocompletes all my sentences, great so we can all sound like robots, and it does it like automatically, so i ending having to erase the lame sentence it wrote, i mean i would have probably come up with something similar or exactly the same too, after all there are only so many ways to say goodbye, but id like to think it was my idea, these engineers had no savoir faire, just so you know, so now i hope that everytime you start to read a new paragraph you imagine me hitting the backspace button to delete their fascist capital letters, and its frustrating because im really trying to write as fast as i can, i bet you can tell

see it happened again, and its not that i just have to hit the delete, i have to get my mouse and put my cursor there so it like detects its not just on mistake i am trying to delete their smartass capital letter, so yeah to the facemask thing, the whole facemask thing was pretty dumb, i mean if the facemask was the windshield to the coronavirus i didnt get how casual people were being about, they would just pull it right down under their noise, oh great now you have all your coronavirus on your nostrils, what the hell, i didnt get it, im pretty sure noone in that safeway store had coronavirus, and it was coronavirus not covid19, what is it about us having to find dandy little names for things, it was the coronavirus and thats that, so yeah we were all carrying about these facemasks that if they were really protecting us from the coronavirus lingering in the air then we were being flagrantly irresponsible in our use, but deep down we all felt it wasnt, but we just had to wear one because it was the rule, but we all knew noone in the store had coronavirus

it may sound weird, but i think you know when someone has coronavirus, its like you can just tell, you know like other things you can just tell about a person, i remember i once went up to san francisco about a month ago, and i saw this guy on the muni line headed to the bayview that for sure had coronavirus, he wasnt coughing or anything, but i saw him and i knew he definitely had coronavirus, it wasnt because he was black or chinese or anything, this isnt like a hidden racist joke, i could just tell, i freaked out , and i havent gone up to the city since then, and then, lo and behold they announced that a muni driver got the corona and that the bayview district had the most corona cases in the cities, see sometimes you can just tell

im pretty sure that day i even had the corona on me, i mean i didnt get it, but im pretty sure it landed on my hand, but i washed it before i touched any of my mucous parts, but it was there with me, i dont think it was from the guy on the bus thought, i think it landed from this other guy, i went to a deli to buy water, bananas, coca cola and chocolate and this guy was kinda drunk and talking real loud and coming real close and i could feel the air get really moist when he passed by me and my hand was exposed and i know that at that moment some of it got on my hand, but i didnt panic, i knew i couldnt lose my cool, i had to just play it smooth, and wait till i could get to the studio and wash my hand and everything else, i was really thorough i walked the whole way back to the studio with my hand outstretched so it wouldnt touch my jacket or anything, i could feel it was there, it was for sure there, but i played it cool and washed it and nothing happen, but i was that close

and thats why you have to wash your hands because you could be that close too to having coronavirus, so see im not that crazy, that the reason they recommend us all to wash our hands, because at some point it could be that close to you, and if you don't wash your hand before your touch your eye, boom you got coronavirus, crazy to think that you too could have had coronavirus on you, and you could have, but now i think there isnt that much coronavirus on things anywhere, i think the coronavirus is like hiding or something, i think the coronavirus are like finding their niches and stuff, like if you ask me i think the coronavirus right now is probably somewhere where the sun dont shine, i bet it like flew to a a dirty dive bar that was totally shut down windows boarded and everything, but its there just chilling on the sticky counter, waiting to come back in the summer, i also think it might be at like some nasty to-go food place, like there is this wing place open till midnite around my house, i bet there is a little coronavirus there, but only a little bit, and its like one of the lazy ones, so i dont think it feels like jumping on anyone

at work i have to tell the staff how to wash their hands, i tell them they have to wash on top of their hand, palm of their hand, each finger, in between fingers, under the finger nails, and up to the elbow, but i mean if they have coronavirus, and their touching my food, i think its going to get on the to go box anyway, but its the rules so i play along, i even translated the rules, and told them to sign a paper, the paper also said that they had to wear a facemask, its not like they have multiple facemasks, i mean we are going to give them a few, but its up to them to wash it, one guy asked me if he could use the same one for a few days, i told him no, but i mean even if he washes his facemask before work and then lets say he puts it in his pocket, what if his jacket has corona but his facemask doesnt, itd be a real shame if his corona jacket infected his noncorona facemask, but i saw him and i dont think he had corona anyway

im repeating the same point and the rant is losing steam, so i gotta ramp it back up, or maybe no, maybe its not all just about ranting, maybe i should tell you some good things, like ill tell you about my run, the day was so nice, it was bright and sunny, and thats really all i gotta say, the point that i have more to say about right now is that i feel like im writing like that kid from catcher in the rye, that kid was a real case, i cant say i disliked the kid, but i wouldnt hang out with him, i mean in general i wouldnt be hanging out with high schoolers, but i might hang out with him after he grows up, i think we were all like that kid at some point, and the ones that arent, are soul dead and just go to work and drink craft beer and probably become those engineers without savoir faire that figure out the code to finish my email sentences

but i also feel that i am writing likes james joyce in ulysses, those are two books that i read from cover to cover ulysses and catcher in the rye, all it takes is a good fucked up guy to write something honest and you can get me to finish it, james joyce was all about stream of consciousness, crazy to think that ulysses is regularly named the best book of the century, and it wasnt even that bad of a century for books, it was a crazy book, and it was daring and new to just expose how he felt a person thought, and i mean it was pretty smart, because that is how we think, we jump around and we get nervous and self conscious and horny and we think in simple letters, and our memories associate things weirdly, i mean dante was the best writer of all the time, but i dont know anyone that thinks inside their brain in metered stanzas, if there was such a person, i dont know if id like to meet him, it would be a lot to handle good novels have taught me a lot, they've confused me too, but overall taught me things, see life is a grey thing, like there arent absolute values,

for us human beings, its easy to think of things as black and white, good and bad, yes or no, but thats not how it goes, there is a lot of grey area, and thats why i guess i liked ulysses, see the whole book is about this guy that is roaming around dublin, while he knows his wife is cheating on him, the last chapter is a stream of consciousness from his wifes mind, in which she just goes through her mind thinking about her past lovers and this guy she is cheating on her husband with, and ultimately she feels bad and when her husband climbs back into bed with her, shes like thinking oh there he is again, old leopold, but hes my leopold and she i guess kinda does admit to loving him, life hurts like that sometimes, a woman can still love you but cheat on you, a man can do it too, anyone can cheat on you, but still love you, anyone can hurt you and still love you, its a rough reality, remember i wrote an essay on this book, and the teacher said that i should save it and give it to the woman i marry it was so good, i didnt save it so i guess that wont ever happen, i cant even remember what i said, probably something about forgiveness and the abstract beauty of love, i was only twenty, i could have said anything

i wish i could remember what i wrote though, nowadays a lot of people are walking around with fear of intimacy issues, they are scared to open up to people, you know a lot of people are saying that they have intimacy issues, so i wanted to figure out more, i looked it up on wikipedia and it said there were four types of people, normal people that love themselves and can share intimacy with others, people that think themselves unworthy of intimacy but seek it, people that are scared of being intimate with others out of fear of rejection, and people that have self worth but think others are undeserving of intimacy, i think the whole thing probably comes from parental stuff, that's always the freudian way of looking at things, its kind of a shame because i think people really do like laying in bed and talking comfortably with someone after a wild fuck, when i wrote the essay i didnt have intimacy issues, but i might now, i dont know, and even if i did i dont know what type of of person i am, i guess sometimes people do say some stupid things, and stupid things out of a naked person are the worst kind of stupid things, whatever its wikipedia, anyone could have written, just like the original science study it supposedly based on,

ok this all getting too gooey and it lost its sharp vibe, i think that we were on a roll, when we were on the coronavirus landing places part, but then i get too serious and stuff, i do still want to talk about books i like, you know like thats one of the favorite things english teachers like to do, they like to analyze all the references that an authour made to other books, normally its the bible or the odyssey or some other greek or roman classic, like ulysses was modeled after the odyssey, i remember the teacher always talked about that, ive never read the odyssey or the iliad, ive heard they are great books, but i try not to say it myself, i do say that homer was a great poet though, but i never read his stuff, i mean ive read the first line, but i dont know the whole story or anything, i guess we are all hypocrites at some point or another, i do know however that ulysses was in one of dantes circles of hell, because he was advisor to deceit, the deceit of having that big horse full of soldiers go into to troy, so he ended up in hell, talking about hell that was another book they loved to reference, the bible, the bible doesnt see things grey, they see it black or white, this morning i woke up at four in the morning, and i couldnt get back to bed, so i pulled to a random spot and started reading proverbs, they make it seem so simple, this is good, that is is bad, i wish it were that simple, it used to be that simple like that when i was little kid, maybe it still is but, i just refuse to see it that way

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quietlysatan · 4 years

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A Land Not Mine - theprosefool, AO3

Link: Here!!

Rating: Explicit

Favorite Quote(s): I just, love this part so much???

Kaidan didn’t take his hand, but he smiled a relieved, worn sort of smile that added a crinkle to his eyes. “I’m glad to hear that, Shepard. I was....” He trailed off, cleared his throat.

“What?”

“I was worried you might feel like you... owe them. For bringing you back.” He looked down as he said it but his voice was firm.

"No," Shepard said easily. "I'm glad to be alive, I am--especially right now--but I didn't ask for this. Any of this. I don't owe them a damn thing."

This is how adults work children, they figure out “Oh, this person won’t back down on this subject that I also won’t back down on” and figure out a compromise or they move on until a later date. Some of y’all don’t know this and it shows.

And that was that. Shepard could tell he hadn’t entirely won Kaidan over to the idea of working with Cerberus, but Kaidan didn’t seem to have anything else to argue with. Neither of them was going to get what they wanted, so they put it away and moved on, finding no lack for conversation.

Gods how this must feel, the energy this must carry for two people to experience

Kaidan moaned against his mouth and thrust upward just a bit, but then he put his hands on Shepard’s hips to steady them both and tilted his head back to sever the kiss and look at him, eyes following the lines of scars once again. No words, just a look, his brow furrowed and his mouth a tight line despite the flush of arousal coloring his cheeks. He released his hold on one hip to touch the glow at his jaw with trembling fingers, and Shepard couldn't bare that look, not directed at him, so he closed his eyes and focussed on his touch instead. Kaidan traced that scar before moving on to another, and the trembling didn’t stop so Shepard made to distract them both, pressing forward and capturing Kaidan's lips again.

It’s almost painful in the best way possible

And that was another lie, really; as desperate as he was to stay at Kaidan’s side, he was headed back in the morning, back to his ship and his fight and his responsibilities. But it was the truth, too, somehow. Some part of him--every part of him that wasn’t Commander Shepard, Spectre, the parts that were just John, those parts would stay with Kaidan.

Smiles during sex are always a win, always, smiling and laughing is just, the best part of being With somebody else.

Kaidan must have felt his smile because now Shepard could feel his, and it left him light-headed and more than a little hard.

To know someone loves you as much as you love them, must truly be the greatest treasure in all the worlds

And maybe Kaidan wanted it just as bad as he did, for as long as he had. It felt like it, the way he touched him, greedy hands rolling hard over the muscles in Shepard’s back from the hem of his pants to the nape of his neck, the way he kept their bodies pressed close, never allowing Shepard more than an inch of distance. Not that he wanted even that.

CONSENT IS SEXY AND IT IS EASY. PERIOD. END OF STORY. NO ARGUMENTS ALOUD. (Except for the BDSM people in the back, cause y’all are better at consent even when it’s r*** play and honestly, it shows.)

He was desperate for more friction, but he wasn’t going to make the next push. He would eagerly receive and return with enthusiasm anything Kaidan offered him, but he would stop the second Kaidan hesitated. Tonight, it was Kaidan’s call.

I wonder if you can sense my gay longing the more I type

But before he could get a taste Kaidan leant down, capturing his mouth, and now all he could see was brown eyes, and that was good too, maybe better, because Kaidan was straddling his hips as they kissed,

Humor during any form of intimacy (fun fact, intimacy is My English Word that I cannot spell even though it’s my first language, we all have one, that, language and farenhehe) is important, and so is hoping for the absolute best (whatever that may be)

“I don’t, uh....” Kaidan lifted his head to look at him, a nervous smile creasing the skin around his eyes in a way that had Shepard’s heart in a clinch. “I don’t have....”

It took him a moment to grasp what Kaidan was talking about, distracted as he was by everything he could see and feel, but when comprehension dawned he had a nervous smile of his own. “M--my bag.”

Kaidan arched an eyebrow, that devilish smirk Shepard had seen so little of, and somehow it worked to calm his nerves--though not as much as the light kiss that followed. “High expectations, huh, John?” he chuckled when he pulled back.

“No. Just hopeful.”

DO YOU FEEL THE FUCKING LOVE RIGHT HERE???? BECAUSE I DO, AND NOW i’M SUFFERING FROM GAY LONGING 2.0

Shepard would never know, because Kaidan opted for taking his mouth rather than finishing the thought, but it was slow and sweet and so Kaidan that maybe Shepard knew exactly what he meant, because kissing like this felt a little like dying and a little like starting anew.

SAFE SEX IS IMPORTANT AND EASY FFS IT’S 2020

It took him longer than it should have but he found what he was looking for, a pack of condoms and a bottle of lube.

Words & Chapter(s): 30,443 words and 8 chapters

Pairing(s): Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard (Whose name is John btw)

Summary: After being dead for two years, there’s only one person Shepard wants to see. So he writes a letter.

My summary: If I could tell you what this fic is about I’d say it is about Kaiden Alenko and John Sheppard falling so completely and irreversibly in love that it’s nearly painful to watch, or in this case, I suppose, to read

Score: 13 (I read it twice guys, me) ((Three times cause I lost half of this in an edit)) You have already left kudos here. :)

Warning(s): Shepard, and thus Kaiden, aren’t 100% sure Shep is Shep, which is fair.

Also, ME2 settings.

Mentions of Shepard dying, or rather, “dying”.

Really good lemon, you can tell when it’s going to start, basically a little after they start full-on making out. Also, I don’t mean really good as in “This got me really hot” but like “This made me Feel Emotions but In A Good Way”

Also, hope you don’t mind mid-coitus interruptions ;)

The collectors still arrive there

And so does the angst but not too much, like, Just the Right amount of angst

Minor OC character that you probably liked death

Mentions of painful injuries not gruesomely described though

Also, mentions of PTSD and Sheppard has a nightmare

Pros: This is actually my second read through, so obviously it’s good. Honestly, even if you don’t like this ship I’d still recommend it just for the story of it all.

I think my favorite part of this fic is that while there’s angst and “how do I know you’re you?” moments, it’s not needlessly dragged out to create a painful heaping pile of woeful angst. It’s a very realistic and accurate both to the characters themselves and real-life response, it’s very organic and every moment between them has this feeling of like, “Of course that happened next what else could you possibly have done there?” realism, like is Shep and Kaiden were actually real live people what else could you expect to happen but what you’re reading, if that makes any sense.

Also, I love how in love with each other they feel, how magnetic they are, how inevitable it seems, ya’know?

I just love this story and its author so freaking much, honestly, it’s just too sweet and calm and honest, even during the angsty moments it still feels good, ya’know?

But seriously, I love how close to the edge they are throughout this whole fic, how close to just, tipping over at the beginning there, it’s so, satisfying to watch and experience, and it’s amazing and filling and fulfilling and just. So. Fucking. Good.

I don’t know man, I just, really love the little ways that theprosefool gets across them being in love, or being close to it, or falling into it, like, the way this is written is just so perfectly good that I don’t even want to skip the lemon scene which is, kinda rare for me normally just for overall various reasons.

Cut from the part of the favorite lines because it grew too long to go there imo

“Smiles during sex are always a win, always, smiling and laughing is just, the best part of being With somebody else, even if it’s not sex, it’s so nice to have an intimate moment with someone and to see or feel or hear their smile, their laughs, and giggles, and chuckles, and snorts, and to just, feel how in love you are with them and in return how in love they are with you. Because, much like the song (and unlike the story, I promise they don’t break up no worries) even if you break up permanently and forever, it’s important to remember the good if at all possible. It’s important to remember that, even if y’all ain’t now, you were.

And that means something. “

Gods I’m so glad op didn’t use warmth or heat or something like that, it always jars me from the story, however they do use shaft

But they also say dick instead of throbbing erection, member, manhood, etc. so it’s okay!

Aesthetic: But in all seriousness, the realism and humanity flowing like a gentle river through your hand in the form of words is just, so fucking refreshing. It’s like drinking lemonade in a Vegas summer, like playing with your friends the first day of fourth-grade recess, like holding hands with your girlfriend, like remembering your first kiss as a preteen, like being hugged by your friend during a panic attack, like laughing so hard you snort AND cry and lose your breath, it feels like looking at him and just, falling, it feels like jumping into the pool and making the biggest splash, like playing in the neighborhood streets, like being a kid, like remembering that homework you swore was the hardest and thinking back and realizing that just wasn't true, but also how proud you were to finish it.

Food Aesthetic: Vanilla ice cream cones during the summer, French hot chocolate during the winter, cheesy fries during fall, and fresh sweet plums during spring all while still holding their hand, and kissing their cheeks and nose and lips, and making a mess and laughing about it. Just, silly food moments that make you fall in love a little bit more.

Word Aesthetic because I can: Longing. (Obviously.)

Song Aesthetic: Wolf Alice - Don't Delete the Kisses (And the video and possibly the whole fucking playlist too) but the ending feels like this one Alanis Morissette - Hand In My Pocket oddly enough and maybe also, the innocent unwavering love of this song, and it’s music video Heartless Bastards - Only For You

Gif Aesthetic: Their relationship feel like this (disclaimer, they’re not girls, sadly... I should look for that👀)

And this

And this too

But also, meanwhile, Sheppard and Kaiden @ Cerberus immediately and without hesitation at all times 25/∞

#kaidan alenko x male shepard #kaiden alenko x shepard #Mass Effect #mass effect fanfiction #mass effect fic #Satan has great taste in: Shlenko #shlenko

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tellmewhatyouc · 4 years

Text

TLW: The Untitled Sequel (Ch. 2)

Chapter 1

Words: 1762

At around 6 AM, Danny got a call from Sung’s ship, and he didn’t waste any time getting over to the abandoned lot Sung had parked in. He was still wearing his pajamas, and his hair was a mess from tossing and turning in his bed, but he didn’t care. He just wanted to address his issues as soon as possible.

The only part of Sung’s ship he’d seen before was the medbay, so the exterior was quite the sight. It was big, maybe fifty feet across, and the outer coating was a pristine white. Tinted windows lined the side of it, some smaller while a couple spanned the whole height of the thing. He wasn’t sure how the fuck a ship that big wouldn’t attract any attention, but he could only hope anyone who walked by it would mind their own business.

Hesitantly, he approached what appeared to be the door, and gave it a knock. It slid open soon enough, and Sung greeted him with a smile. He was in his casual wear, with a pair of visor shades instead of his usual headgear. “Hey there,” he said. “Stand back for a sec?”

Danny did as he was asked, and small flight of stairs slid out from the bottom of the ship. He took the hand offered to him before he stepped inside.

“So… welcome,” Sung said with open arms, gesturing around him. The interior was just as pristine as the exterior, with white panels on the walls and a shiny black floor. Before Danny could get a good look at the console, Sung put a hand on his back and directed him down the hallway. “I’m sure you remember my medbay,” he said, “Although I like to think I’ve added some improvements within the past few decades.”

Danny was still a bit too dumbfounded to say anything intelligent, so he kept his mouth shut. As they walked into the medbay, he noticed some similarities, but it had definitely gotten an upgrade since he last saw it. Mainly, everything looked cleaner, more organized.

Sung grabbed a light blue notebook and pen from his desk before he patted the table in the center of the room. “So, you said you were experiencing fluctuating energy levels?” he asked.

“Uh. Yeah.” Slowly, Danny walked towards Sung. He looked at the table— the table he’d just recently seen Sung operating on himself upon— then back to Sung. “Could we do this somewhere else?”

Sung furrowed his brow. “I… suppose we could go to the kitchen,” he said. “Is everything okay?”

Danny nodded. “Yeah, yeah,” he said. “I just didn’t realize this would be so, uh… clinical?”

“Clinical?” Sung repeated as he grabbed a leather bag from under the table. “I’m still your friend here, I’m just… assessing your current state. Like a doctor. What did you expect?”

“I’m… not sure,” Danny mumbled, eyeing the bag. “Like I said, it’s been a while since I’ve seen any sort of doctor.”

“Well, it’s very important to do so,” Sung said as he gestured Danny out of the room. “Humans are so vulnerable to physical ailments, it’s always good to make sure nothing’s wrong.”

“I mean, I haven’t really gotten sick or anything since I was a kid, so...”

“Precautionary care is very important, Danny,” Sung said. After a short walk down the hall, they entered a small kitchen. Sung set his bag down on the counter and patted one of the stools beside it. “So. You’re having trouble sleeping?”

Danny nodded as he sat down. “Yeah. Even when I’m tired. Which is most of the time.” Sung opened his notebook to the first page, and Danny noticed already written a few things down. “And I’m not hungry, like… at all. I’ve been trying to keep up with regular meals and stuff, but most things are kinda hard to stomach.”

Sung hummed and wrote some more. Danny leaned over to try reading it, but as expected, it was illegible. Although, he did seem to be writing a lot more than what Danny had said. Maybe it was time to speak up again.

“So, you’re, like… actually a doctor?” he asked, “For real?”

Sung glanced up from his notebook, but didn’t lift his head. Danny could see parts of his eyes.They were vaguely indigo. It was unnerving. “Haven’t we had this conversation already?”

“Yeah, I know, but the whole… medbay situation,” Danny said. Sung was still looking at him. He turned his head away. “It’s like… a clinic in there. I figured you just took care of the band and stuff.”

Sung finally shifted his focus back to his writing. “I’ve studied a lot of species in my travels,” he said, “Hence all my degrees. I have more than enough knowledge to care for patients from basically anywhere, and that’s how I made a living before I found the rest of the band.”

“Uh… huh,” Danny said, nodding slowly. “That’s cool. I guess it’s just weird thinking about you doing something so… serious.”

“Well, I like to think I didn’t take myself too seriously,” Sung said with a chuckle. He finally put his pen down, after he had a full page of notes. “Sorry for the wait. I have no idea what’s wrong with you.”

“Oh, cool,” Danny said, rolling his eyes. “That’s promising.”

“I’d like to get a better look at you, see if there’s anything I can find from a physical standpoint,” Sung said. “Is that okay?”

Danny shrugged. “I guess,” he said. Admittedly, he didn’t really know what to expect. Knowing Sung, his practices probably weren’t entirely traditional, but he trusted him anyway.

Sung started by listening around his chest with a stethoscope, and Danny didn’t mind it all that much, although the periodic ‘hm’s and ‘ah’s were a little concerning. The room was silent otherwise, until Sung stood up straight and wrapped the stethoscope around his neck.

“Well, that all sounds good,” he said. “So at least we’ve ruled out one thing.”

“Great,” Danny said, “Are we done?”

Sung furrowed his brow. “No, of course not. We've got the whole rest of your body to cover.”

Sung went through all the other basics, checking Danny’s eyes, ears, and mouth, writing down quick notes all the while. He didn’t talk much, which Danny was okay with, because the exhaustion was really starting to kick in again. He was fighting to keep his eyes open, and by the end of the exam, he’d lost that battle.

When he woke up, it took him a good few minutes to remember where he was. Sung must’ve put him in one of his recovery beds at some point after he’d dozed off, and apparently, he’d been tired enough to sleep through it.

Slowly, he sat up, pushing the blanket aside. “Sung?” he called out, moments before he spotted the man in question.

Sung looked up from his desk and smiled. “Hey, buddy,” he greeted. “Feeling any better?”

“Um… definitely more rested than before,” Danny answered, looking around the room. “Did you… what did you do to make me fall asleep?”

Sung shook his head. “I didn’t do anything,” he said, “I was just checking you over. I asked you to lie down at one point, and after that, you were out cold. That was a couple hours ago.”

“...Huh.” Danny stood from the bed, then wandered over to Sung’s desk. He had the same notebook open, now a few more pages in, and a textbook with some human anatomy diagrams open beside it. “Well. Any idea what’s wrong with me?”

“Well… I have theories,” Sung replied. “One of which is, in fact, some form of time-travel-related ailment.”

“For real?” Danny asked, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. “That sounds… bad.”

“Well, it’s not too bad,” Sung said. “You should be okay. It looks like it may be more of just… a series of side effects, as opposed to an illness of its own. And if that’s the case, they’ll wear off eventually.”

“Okay… how long does ‘eventually’ go on for?” Danny asked, “Are we talking a few days, or, like, a year?”

Sung shrugged. “It’s time travel. Could be anything.”

Danny frowned. On top of his already-present anxiety, his stomach turned with the uncertainty of it all. “Wait, so… what’s wrong with me, exactly?” he asked, “What’s going on?”

Sung spun around in his chair to fully face Danny. It was usually difficult to tell where he was looking through his visor, but at the moment, his gaze was almost tactile. “It’s really nothing to be too worried about, Danny,” he said, “I think your body is just a little out of whack from all the time jumps, as it’s not something you’re used to. I’d recommend just going about your day, trying to get back to your normal sleep and meal schedules as best you can. Keeping a routine should help.”

“Well… how do you know it’ll help?” Danny asked. “I thought you said you’d never seen something like this before.”

Sung shrugged. “It’s a hypothesis, not a fact,” he said. “For now, you should go home and rest, do some familiar stuff. Being on an alien's spaceship probably isn’t helping. But I’ll stick around for now, and you can come check in with me again tomorrow. Okay?”

“Okay.” Danny nodded and turned towards the medbay door. “I guess I’ll--” he stopped and spun around to face Sung. “Wait. You said you had… theories. Plural.”

Sung nodded. “I did, yes.”

“So what are the others?”

“Uh… well.” Sung turned back to his desk, skimming through his notes. He’d written more than Danny had thought. “Either some form of allergic reaction, or… you’ve developed some sort of mental illness.”

Danny crossed his arms, taking a moment to process that. “Well… okay, how would you treat me for something like that?” he asked. “Maybe it could help.”

Sung turned to face Danny again, an eyebrow raised. “Do you think it’s a mental illness?”

“...I dunno.” Danny shrugged. “I told you, I’m all fucked up. I can’t exactly psychoanalyze myself.”

“Ah, so you want me to psychoanalyze you,” Sung replied with a chuckle. “I mean… I can try. We can talk about it. But, for now, I really think you should go home and get some rest. Eat a meal. Spend some time with your friends. And report back to me tomorrow.”

Danny let out a sigh. “Alright,” he said. He took a few steps towards the door, but paused to glance back at Sung. “Ah… thanks.”

“My pleasure.”

#pls do not rebongle #old shit #wip posting #tlw2 #i'm gonna queue this as a new year's gift and then forget about it and regret it later #happy new year my dudes

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