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andthebeanstalk · 1 year

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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

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stil-lindigo · 8 months

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warmth.

a comic about not being alone.

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all my other comics

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#to all the trans men and women and anyone who feels like they have to stifle themselves for their own safety #may you never feel like youre alone in this #this comic is one of my more grounded ones #it just felt right to not try to decorate this one in a lot of symbolic fanfare #sometimes i have to go above and beyond to fit the vision. this felt right being pretty understated.#i really did my best with this one and i hope it shows #you all deserve so much joy and so much love from your partners in life #and i hope you like this and if you dont thats okay too #thats all #thank you for your support #and as always #thank you for reading #comic art #lgbtqia+#queer comics #hearteaters #stillindigo art #stillindigo comics

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knifearo · 25 days

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this year my challenge for everyone is to unlearn the association between love and morality. love is not something that is inherently morally good, and the absence of love is not something that is inherently bad. sex without love isn't morally bankrupt, it's just an action. people without love aren't less kind or less good, they're just people. when we can get past this false (and often unnoticed) dichotomy of good love/evil lovelessness then i think we are going to be able to take leaps and bounds in sex positivity, aro advocacy, certain discussions of mental health...

#and also. not the direct focus. but love doesn't make things good. you can be in love and do terrible terrible things.#people do bad things in the name of love and in despite of love all the time.#but!! imagine a world where people could exist as people and not be demonized.#sex positivity means being cool about All sex. reexamine your internal systems of moral judgement.#this goes for sex workers. for aroallo people. especially aroallo men. for aro people in general who might enjoy sex.#and frankly i think it can easily bleed into discussions about mental health disorders around 'not feeling' certain things #especially demonizing ppl who don't feel as much empathy. i think there's definitely a correlation between that and the emphasis on love.#our support needs to go out to Everybody and i think these things are all structured together in one way or another!!#it might not be immediately obvious but when i tell you it all leads back to amatonormativity..... little bit wild.... large bit wild....#anyway. horror movie psychopath 'oh he can't feel emotions or love' damn alright. well. let's take a closer look at that.#silly that there's an association between lack of love and Murdering. feel like that might affect some stuff.#love is just an emotion/a feeling it doesn't mean anything about you one way or another #same with empathy. you can feel it all you want but it doesn't inherently change the actions you choose to take #anyway. thesis statement. there is a socially constructed link between love and morality. unlearn that.#kiss kiss (<— lovelessly)#aromantic #aromanticism #arospec #talking #aroace #aspec #sex positivity

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lemongogo · 7 months

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thank you, meryl

#trigun #trigun maximum #vash #meryl #my art #btwn this quote and the one where she says you dont have to carry everything on your own #CANT CHOOSEEE GRRRGRAAAA #they mean so much 2 each other man . MAAANBB!!!!! j love the scenes they share #in that little pocket post legato pre knives #and w all the feathers falling arnd them T_T vash knowing all that can be done is done #AND MERYL OVERCOMING HER FEARSSS .. TO CONNECT W VASH .. SUPPORT HIM ..#AND HE NOT ONLY SEES IT BUT FEEEELSS ITT . SHUTRTTTT UPPPPP #MYY GOD OHH MY GOD (weepign)#trigun spoilers

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cowboythewizard726 · 1 month

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beautiful orc girl leed helllOOOOO beautiful leed alert oh my GOD she's so cool WOOAHHHH beautiful siilly girl she was really pretty and awesome and so kind i think shes wonderful and there should be a statue made just for her thats really big and in the center of everything and she should get anything she wants ever smile face

#LEED LEED LEED!!!!#thank u for being s pussy chilchuck mouse man so she could yell at you #okay u wermnt being a pussy you just watn your friends to be okay i get it #i think its funny to call you a pussy #and mosue man #im sorry your're divorced i get it #this istn about YOU this is about LEED #LEED ORC LEADER #LEEEDDDD #GOD SHES SO COOL #AND AWESOME AND GREAT #yesterday i played dnd for the first time #and i got bonked in the head with a stone club #and now id like to imagine that was her she did that #wow #shes so cool #and shes really cute too awww awww #wonderful girl everyonme should love her #gonna be honest i wish she had eaten all of them #i support and encourage and endorse and urge women to eat people #leed dungeon meshi #leed delicious in dungeon #dungeon meshi #dunmeshi #delicious in dungeon #dungeon meshi spoilers #delicious in dungeon spoilers #dunmeshi spoilers

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rendevok · 10 months

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“Take my hand” pages 12-15

1 - 2 - day 3 - 💙free day❤️ - 4

#nmweek23 #narumitsu #wrightworth #they’re so in love in this it makes my stomach turn because OOHHHHH MY GOODDDDDDDDD #I WANT. WHAT THEY HAVE! WHEN WILL IT BE ME #SMOOCHES #YALL SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT WAS COMIN FROM ME #phoenix wright #miles edgeworth #aa #fan art #fan comic #past me wrote this comic like YEAH IM GONNA PUT IN ALL THESE THINGS I LIKE #and now im like [sets myself on fire] [sets myself on fire] [sets myself on fi #I’M SO EMBARRASSSSEEEDDDDDDDDD how the hell do any of you share your work i literally feel like im cutting out my heart for you #my two favorite panels are the 4th one on page 12 and the 3rd one on page 15…. framing them #i hope i was able to make it worth the wait! everyone’s support has meant so much to me as i worked :’^)#rendevok #please imagine them making out from now until the time it takes me to share the next part bc that is what they will be doing in my head

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cozylittleartblog · 2 months

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also in the face of people deleting their blogs, that's another reason why you guys are supposed to reblog stuff. if somebody deletes a post, your liked version will disappear, but the reblogs remain. i'm insane about preservation and archival, every single piece of art i have ever enjoyed is reblogged on my 450k+ posts main account so if the artists leave I still have their work. i even tag things (though just with the main fandom tag) so I have years and years worth of fanworks saved that the terrible general site search will never show you.

please reblog art. not just to support the artists who make it and share their efforts, but also so you have your own copy of their works saved for yourself, and the future users of this site.

#reblog art #artist support #so basically if you dont reblog art i do not want to hear you complaining about your fav artists deleting and leaving lol #if you used this site like you were supposed to it would be at least Slightly less of an issue because you'd still have it all #save the shit you like!!! i never delete my art personally but i Want my art to be out there. just in case something happens to my blog #save my art. save everything. just dont upload it to entirely different websites like instagram cuz that makes u a prick #if your favorite artist deletes tomorrow. what evidence do you have that they were here at all?#reblog. for the love of god reblog #i lost so much great art from deviantart thanks to eclipse and the Al bullshit that i didn't save. but on tumblr i dont have to worry abt i

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soybean-official · 5 months

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The parts of you that support me

#mgs2 my favorite game i love you #metal gear solid 2 #mgs2 sons of liberty #mgs2 raiden #rosemary mgs #emma emmerich #Anyways let me elaborate on the piece here in the tags again #I really like the skeletal motif that raiden's rib cage suit and the aicolonel's face turning into a skull have going on #so it's kind of an extension here. It's 'parts of me that support you' that are outlined as the bones.#For raiden his vitals are literally keeping sunny alive. So his rib cage. For the colonel he's constantly feeding raiden bad info to keep-#-the mission afloat. His skull #For emma she created the arsenal gear worm (hands)#And for rose i mean obviously like. shes pregnant in this game. but its got a bigger meaning for the plot and for raiden specifically #since it's part of the reason why he tries to be better. Her connection to him is what keeps him grounded during the whole mission #and together they all form the 'vital' organs #Alternatively i wanted to name this 'malfunctioning machine' but anyone can probably figure out that one if they wanted. Lol #Back to your regularly scheduled tagging program!#beanie art #mgs fanart #metal gear solid fanart #mgs2 fanart #mgs2

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andi-o-geyser · 1 year

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*record scratch*

Yup, that’s me, watching my future wife fall to the ground dead from a trap I set off. I bet you’re wondering how I got into this situation. Well, my life’s a little crazy, but it all began when my family was murdered in a political coup and I made a pact to create the first gun with a smoke demon...