I don't wanna feel so lonely anymore

if you don’t cry on your walk home from the bar are you really alive

Mini HC: Being that she is unable to experience fear beyond biological responses (increased heart rate, hypervigilance etc) that can be easily replicated with a substitute (ie: adrenaline producing activities), Kafka is fascinated with people who are clearly desperate/passionate.

She will never be able to fully comprehend what it's like to be so afraid of or desperate for something that would prompt someone to take radical action. Not because she doesn't want to understand, she does logically process it and isn't incapable of extending sympathy to some degree, she just doesn't 'feel' it. So she finds people who are the exact opposite to be very interesting. People like the Trailblazer, Himeko and even people like Aventurine. In the latter, she doesn't really comprehend why he'd done all that he had done just to 'die', although rationally in terms of schemes, she comprehends how his 'death' would be advantageous.

There is an emotional dissonance, a tiny miniscule gap, she is aware of that sets her apart from people. Something she can never cross or achieve but through interacting with others and fulfilling Elio's script, maybe one day she will be able to fully experience the ability to 'value' life.

Every time I’m reading a Bat fic and it goes “Tim was bad at making friends” or “Tim had never really had friends before” I have to stop reading immediately because this person obviously does not know anything about Tim Drake

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being an extrovert is so pathetic because what do you mean you’d rather stay at the front of the shop than sit in the break room alone during your lunch break and that everything you do is actually to curb this perpetual underlying sense of loneliness and isolation from others (it’s me i’m pathetic)

how are you ruined?

ruined by loneliness you are so lonely. you are miserable in your solitude. you hate that you cannot bring yourself to reach out, to ask for help. you will be forgotten by all who never knew you. your biggest fear is that you will die alone, and you know this fear will be seen to fruition. you refuse to extend yourself beyond the box that others put you in. and it is a box that no one dare come near. you are lonely because you are afraid of yourself.

Tagged Stolen from: @shallliveoninsong

Tagging: anyone else who hasn't done it! I was late on this trend

Sometimes I long to go home even when I'm sitting in my living room surrounded by family.

the siblings - first and last shots 

This is, like, a long full meta's worth of information that'll one say be put down, but it's important to remember that though she's functional and happy, the effects of Nix's ppd and the trauma of being pregnant/giving birth are still very much present. Nix has changed in the three years i've been writing her, in some ways brilliantly (most ways), in other ways sadly. She's lost the majority of her self-confidence and security, her inner voice is largely negative toward herself, and she feels in constant competition with the world and people around her. And it's a competition she 'knows' she's losing. It's never a conversation that's openly had, but if you dig a little deeper into the world of post-partum, you find so many mothers who are essentially grieving the loss of parts of themselves. Nix is one of them.

are you out there?

Are you out there?

Someone who cares

Someone who loves

me for who I am

Are you out there?

Someone who trys

Someone who doesn't care that

I'm fragile and sensitive

If you're out there

find me

seems like we are at the crying part of the illness.

dont want to stay in room all day but having to listen to/talk to a certain other person in the house feels like forcing my brain through a cheese grater

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sometimes i reflect and look at myself and realize how much a female incel i would look to the eye of my neighbor.