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plus-size-reader · 4 years

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Hidden Away

Erik x Plus size!reader

Word Count: 2184 words

Warnings: none

Summary: The reader is getting picked on and Erik helps make her feel better.

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Everyone had heard the rumors of the angel of music, the guardian of this place but you had never believed them before.

You had never had any kind of encounter and aside from frightened whispers from the dancers and stories from Madame Giry, you didn’t think you ever would.

In fact, if you had never gotten that letter, you may not have ever learned the truth about this place.

The Opera Populaire had gotten similar letters before, from someone signing as ‘Opera Ghost’ but you had no idea who that was. All you knew was that there was a letter just like it, resting upon your nightstand.

It may have been easier to pass off as a prank, but you didn’t think so. The performers in this place often thought you a joke, and wouldn’t waste their time doing something so elaborate.

Rather, they would just torment you during your rehearsal. You could never have hoped to be a ballerina, though you often wished you could have been.

You just weren’t built for that sort of thing, but what you did have was a voice that not even the most cruel among them could refute.

Madame Giry often said that if you had been built like the other girls were, you would have been the most popular performer the opera would’ve ever had.

You should have known better than to think that living in a place like this would be gentle toward your insecurities. The dancers alone were all in such a physical condition that they were almost always in pain.

...Not to mention, rail thin.

That being said though, you knew that it wasn’t their fault that you weren’t but that didn’t make their cruel comments any less harmful.

Not every one of the ballerinas was nasty to you, or made snide remarks about how pretty you’d be if you weren’t ‘built like that’. It was just that the ones that did sort of took up all your attention.

For example, today, you had been doing your best to perform your rendition of Hannibal that Carlotta was going to be doing tonight at the show.

It was just something you’d been trying to perfect since she began doing it. It was easy to get that song stuck in your head, and as a singer, it was only a matter of time before you attempted it for yourself.

You thought you sounded alright, though not as good as the headliner always did, but right on schedule, Bernadette came round the corner.

She wasn’t the most skilled among the dancers, as she couldn’t hold a candle to Christine or Meg but she was talented for sure. More importantly than all that though, was the fact that she hated you.

Treating you poorly was arguably her favorite thing to do.

“Come now Y/N, there is no use in practicing. They are never going to let you up on stage. I doubt they could even fit you into any of Carlotta’s costumes” she hummed, her thick french accent attacking your senses.

It was a tone you were comfortable with, and if she had been any more kind, it would have even been beautiful but with the way she chose to use it, that all faded away.

Perhaps you could have argued with her or defended yourself some but you knew from experience that it wouldn’t lessen her attack. So, instead, you removed yourself from the situation completely.

Of course, doing so only made her more wicked, a cackle leaving her lips when you left the stage. You didn’t even want to know what she was saying to her friends, but it didn’t matter.

Having heard it or not, it hurt all the same.

You were just so tired of your appearance having anything to do with your talent, as if a couple extra pounds affected your ability to sing.

...And you began to cry.

Luckily, you were far enough away from anyone to know about it, but you couldn’t help yourself even if they were around. It just hurt to never feel good enough, no matter how strong you tried to act.

Sometimes you just had to let it out.

Now, you didn’t know from where you were sitting, curled up in the corner of the room with your head in your hands but there was a witness to the entire thing.

A witness that had been paying attention to you for quite some time.

The opera ghost was the focus of so many people’s attention in the opera currently but the focus of the entity himself...was you.

He couldn’t help himself.

Erik could hear your voice through the walls, even when you were singing alone in your room and by this point, he found himself completely enamored by everything you were.

In some ways, maybe he even found himself developing feelings for you, in his own special way.

In any case, watching those girls speak so cruelly to you filled the man with rage. The only thing that softened that anger was seeing you there, kneeling down with tears in your eyes.

That was enough to stop him in his tracks completely.

That was when he sat down and wrote that letter, requesting that you allow him to meet you in person, provided that you wanted to do so. That way, if he needed to whisk you away in the future, he could do so without alarming you.

Perhaps it was awkward, or strange, but in his defense, Erik had lived most of his life within the walls and dungeon of this place. He wasn’t really the most up to date on social graces.

If nothing else, it was his attempt at not startling you with his presence.

...And thankfully for him, it worked.

You read his letter that next morning, having found it laid gently on your nightstand, stamped perfectly with blood red wax.

It didn’t make any sense, and it seemed rather foolish to answer the calls of some invisible man that you’d never seen before but you couldn't help yourself.

They said that curiosity killed that cat, but in your case, it may have skinned it well first. You didn’t bother to let anyone know you were going, and you didn't care too.

All you knew was when Erik appeared, having pushed through the floor length mirror in your bedroom, you followed him into what could have been another world.

It was both grotesque and beautiful, the dark hallways smelling of musk and soot. You had lived in the dormitories all your life, but you never knew this was hidden just below.

It was clear that this was the most well guarded secret of all that the opera had to offer, and you had to consider yourself lucky to be standing where you were.

Even if maybe you weren’t quite sure why you were doing it.

“What is your name Monsieur? What do you want from me?” you asked, following behind him a quiet tone, having just stepped from the boat.

Where you were now was no more than a built up rock quarry under the opera, but it was decorated as a house would have been. Clearly, he had been living here.

For how long, you had no idea.

Erik didn’t speak at first, doing his best to think this whole thing out before he could ruin it. He had been watching you for so long, dreaming of how you would speak to him, and now that it was here, he was at a loss.

“I hate the way those other little creatures speak of you” he commented finally, not even bothering to introduce himself. It was probably best that you didn’t know who he was right away.

You knew what he was referring to almost immediately, taking it upon yourself to set down on the satin sheet of the bed now. You had no idea how he knew, but he must have been talking about Bernadette.

No one else spoke viley of you more than she did, and if that was why he’d chosen to speak to you, there had to be a reason.

Why would he care?

“She isn’t wrong in what she says, though it hurts” you shrugged, deciding that having someone to talk to was worth all the danger you’d put yourself in to get here.

There were so many unanswered questions but you couldn’t bother with them right now. All you could think about was this strange man, sitting in front of you now.

Half of his face was hidden from your view, those you focused mainly on his crystal blue eyes. They shone even in the darkness of the pit you were sitting in, and you wondered briefly what they would look like in the midmorning sun.

You assumed it would be like staring deep into a sparkling bay at the peak of summer, and that idea delighted you slightly.

“Don’t ever speak like that” he spat, a bit more upset than he meant to. It was just that it was bad enough to have to listen to them make up rude things about you.

The last thing Erik wasn’t was for you to start feeling them yourself.

“Why do you hide away? Why do you hide your face from me now?” you wondered, not letting the slip of his tongue frighten you, though maybe it should have.

For whatever reason, you felt safe here. Frankly, you were more comfortable sitting here, under the watchful gaze of a stranger, than you had ever been anywhere else.

It just didn’t make any sense that he would stay down here when all of Paris was right outside these walls.

“The world would not be kind to me, as it is unkind to you, and I hide from you so that you will not be afraid” he allowed, knowing that you were starting to feel more comfortable in this odd situation.

Had circumstances allowed it, he would have loved to meet you up there, in attendance of one of your shows. He would have loved to hear your voice in all its glory, but what he said was true.

The world had reared its ugly head to Erik before, and he wasn’t willing to go through that again.

“I will not be afraid” you promised, though when the male mentioned it no more, moving instead to talk about what he’d seen last night, you took that as your hint to do the same.

You didn't know this stranger, after all, and you didn't want to go too far.

“Why do you let them treat you so poorly. Surely you must know that you possess more talent than the lot of them combined” He wondered, almost reaching out to take your hand in his own before he stopped himself.

Erik yearned to feel your skin against this own, it was true, but he didn’t want to risk scaring you away before he even really got to know you.

He had to remember that while he felt like he knew you fully, you had only just met him.

It was a strange question, but all things considered, it was probably the most tame thing you had done all day so you answered him. “I can’t dance nearly as well as they can, besides, there is truth to what Bernadette said. I will never be a real opera singer, not the way I am”

There was a sadness in your voice, like you had already accepted it to be the only truth there was, and that was because you had. In your eyes, there was no room for a woman like you, a big woman.

You had heard everything there was.

That if you were to lose weight, you would be on stage every night. That you were wasting time on a dream with no future when you should be looking for a husband. That you would never find a husband unless you stopped eating.

It was never ending, but you had never admitted that to anyone before.

Maybe it was the odd comfort that you found in the presence of this stranger, or maybe it was because you were hidden away from the world, but you had said it out loud.

...And now Erik understood.

You had never understood what a beauty you were because no one would let you be true to it. No one would let you embrace the obvious beauty you had and instead forced it down within you.

They made you think that the problem with the world was you, when in reality, they were making up lies to keep you beneath them.

“You will never say those things again. You will be on stage, a night all to yourself, I’ll make sure of it” Erik decided, and while you had no idea what he was talking about or how that was going to happen, you nodded.

Anything seemed possible, sitting with a handsome stranger in the darkness and even if it was all a lie, you could bask in it for a little while.

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diyeoracha · 4 years

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IwaOi Fanfiction Masterlist with 90+ Works

Hello! In celebration accumulating over 290 bookmarks on my AO3 account featuring IwaOi, Haikyuu S4 part 2, and @haikyuuweek2020 (Day 7 - Free Choice), I decided to create a masterlist of all of my favorite Iwaoi fics in order to keep myself organized as well as contributing to more traffic for those works! Works are split up into genres such as alternate universe (either not childhood friends or set on Earth), angst, canon compliant (post timeskip with spoilers), canon divergent (childhood friends but divergent timeline post timeskip), high school, and university au

Formatting update: Jan 13, 2021 (spacing is wonky on the mobile app!).

Fic update: Jan 7, 2021

This is incomplete as I got distracted while re-reading a lot of these and have only gone through half of my bookmarks, but feel free to check my own page here for the rest of them! I really do hope you guys enjoy reading these and leave comments and kudos! Please reblog and like so more people can enjoy

Titles marked with (♡) are my absolute favorites and there’s a chance I cried while reading them but otherwise they’re in alphabetical order

Alternate Universe

an allegory of all the things we could’ve been

Word count: 16k

Summary: “I don’t know anything about some red string,” Iwaizumi murmurs into the cracks of Oikawa’s skin, “or even about lifetimes or fate. But no matter where you are, I’ll find you. Gods or otherwise.” Reincarnation AU

And All the Prince’s Men

Word count: 65k

Summary: “Father only loves that which he owns, and I am the one thing that can never truly be his.” Royalty AU

Built a Temple in Me

Word count: 55k

Summary: Up the mossy mountain steps, past the komainu guardians and the faded red gate, and beyond the boundaries of the green shrine—that’s where the forest and the spirit world within it lies. That’s were Hajime met him, and where their story began.But intertwining of destinies can be ugly business, Hajime finds, when their first meeting begins with blood and the too-human eyes of a beast. God Oikawa AU

Quote: It fills his heart anyway, heals the hole in his chest that had been bleeding since he cut Tooru so forcibly from him.

Cotton Breathing

Word count: 13k

Summary: Long-distance and summer only but childhood friends AU

Conquering the Great King

Word count: 105k

Summary: Oikawa's lips twitched into a smirk and he brought them hovering just over Iwaizumi's, "One time thing, Two time thing, what's it matter as long as it's not a Relationship thing?"

Quote: Oikawa's eyes twitched wide for less than a second, his knee pressed in hard against Iwaizumi's thigh, "I may be gorgeous, but I'm not a doll."

dear diary, i met a boy

Word count: 15k

Summary: Iwaizumi's first impression of his upstairs neighbor involves getting woken up at two in the morning to the sound of Oikawa singing along to trashy pop music. He'd thought it would get better, but it all just goes downhill from there. Modern AU

Desperado

Word count: 82k

Summary: Clearly Iwaizumi had a checkered past. Kyoutani has never asked about it, nor has Iwaizumi ever brought it up. He knows it’s a sore spot for his mentor, just like the gorgeous Monte Carlo he keeps hidden away is, so he leaves it alone. Out on the streets, you learn a little something about when to turn a blind eye in order to survive; Kyoutani knows better than most to leave the past of men like Iwaizumi well alone. Heist AU

Even Heroes (have the right to dream)

Word count: 20k

Summary: Oikawa Tooru, ace reporter of the superhero beat of Asahi Shimbun, hates superheroes. Or maybe he just hasn’t met the knight one yet. Superhero AU

♡Infinite Risks

Word count: 8k

Summary: “It’s my fate,” Oikawa responds slowly. He’s crying. “It’s too lonely,” Iwaizumi’s heart sounded broken. “And I’m not there with you. Not really.” Edge of Tomorrow AU

In Defense of Reptiles

Word count: 9k

Summary: In their seventh year, Oikawa is chosen to be the Hogwarts champion in the Triwizard Tournament, and Iwaizumi suffers. Harry Potter AU

Quote: “You are so spoiled,” Iwaizumi tells him, but lets him shuffle down until Iwaizumi’s hand is now running through Oikawa’s hair instead of rubbing his shoulder.

In the Telling

Word count: 6k

Summary: Muggleborn Iwaizumi could not be less impressed with pureblood Oikawa Tooru. Harry Potter AU

♡Lockdown

Word count: 72k

Summary: Within the first few months of his stay, Oikawa gets caught up in a war between cellblocks, becomes a prime target, and must decide just how far he's willing to go to protect Iwaizumi Hajime. Prison AU

♡long nights, no peace

Word count: 18k

Summary: It's the steady knowledge that Iwaizumi Hajime will always be someone that he can rely on, that no matter what the world throws at the two of them, they share in a piece of each other's soul. Pacific Rim AU

Quote: Quiet settles between them softly, like the warm pressure of the blanket, or Iwaizumi's fingers curling to lightly hold the fabric of Oikawa's shirt.

The Long Light

Word count: 36k

Summary: Iwaizumi Hajime's seventh year at Hogwarts begins, and begins, and begins, and begins. Somehow, Oikawa Tooru is always there. Harry Potter AU

Magic Man

Word count: 12k

Summary: Oikawa is named the most desirable wizard in France. Iwaizumi is not impressed. Harry Potter AU

Quote: You keep saying partner or them. Is it rude of me to ask you to clarify?

Meet me in the grey area

Word count: 24k

Summary: Set in a hero/villain AU with Iwa as our trusty hero and Oikawa as our charming villain

Saw You at the Fish Market

Word count: 14k

Summary: In other words, Oikawa befriends hot part-time worker Iwaizumi and tries to impress him both off and on the court, in hopes of more.

♡♡ (sing with me) A Song of Conquest and Fate

Word count: 26k

Summary: When Seijou receives a missive from Aobajousai to discuss a potential peace, its emperor Oikawa Tooru could not have foreseen the series of events that would follow. Historical fantasy AU

Similar Creatures

Word count: 53k

Summary: "What's your name?" "Whatever you want it to be."(Or, Oikawa gets directions from an attractive stranger on a street corner.). Escort AU

♡Something Like Us

Word count: 28k

Summary: Friends since childhood, Oikawa and Iwaizumi now live together, both playing for the National Team. It's no secret that athletes who are bonded perform better. So if the two of them happen to bond...It'd be for the good of the team, right? A/B/O AU

Space

Word count: 44k

Summary: Tries not to think of his rooftop garden, or the apartment he used to inhabit, or Hajime’s broken expression on the night they whispered their goodbyes before Tooru’s launch, attempting to push it all to the back of his mind behind visions of this alien world terraformed. Astronaut AU

Stop the Time

Word count: 10k

Summary: Iwaizumi Hajime, 27, E.R. nurse at University of Tokyo Hospital. Hospital AU

♡♡The Loyalty of A Traitor

Word count: 76k

Summary: Iwaizumi Hajime was an undercover officer with a single objective: Infiltrate the Seijoh Syndicate of the Yakuza and tear them down from the inside out. His primary target was the boss, Oikawa Tooru. The job itself was simple enough, until Iwaizumi got in too deep and absconded not only from the mission, but from the city itself. Yakuza AU

These Flowers I Stole For You

Word count: 3k

Summary: ANBU don't cry. They tear themselves apart, bit by bit, and then they stitch themselves whole again. Naruto AU

on shipwreck shore

Word count: 8k

Summary: “I’m going to murder you in cold blood and feed you to the basilisks,” Iwaizumi says conversationally. “You can’t do that, I’m your boss,” Oikawa sings, positively sparkling. “Also we’re partners, which means,” he points at Iwaizumi and leans in, “you’re stuck with me.” Detective AU

Page 305 of 304

Word count: 53k

Summary: “…she called you ‘papa’,” iwaizumi managed. oikawa just stared for a moment longer before relaxing in a smile. “yeah. cute, right? but you can call me ‘daddy’ if you want.”

Temporary fix

Word count: 12k

Summary: “And you’ve shampooed his hair how many times now? Hmm. Yeah, that’s not technically a bromance.” A/B/O AU

Tokyo Boy

Word count: 16k

Summary: He has feelings for Iwaizumi Hajime, who probably has casual lovers just like him in every major city he visits on business. Oikawa is just his Tokyo Boy, just another pit-stop on Iwaizumi’s travels. Businessman AU

Trial by Fire

Word count: 78k

Summary: (lawyer!AU - in which Iwaizumi loves his objections, Oikawa is beautiful, and they have more chemistry than two opposing attorneys probably should.)

Watch Me

Word count: 32k

Summary: Oikawa's a cam model. It’s been a month since Iwaizumi first spoke in his chat. When they meet in person, things get complicated. Cam model AU

Angst

open when

Word count: 1k

Summary: Iwaizumi knew it was coming, but it still hurt. It still hurt when he opens one letter and drowns it in the tears he cannot keep at bay.

Chasing Paper Suns

Word count: 10k

Summary: Post-high school, Oikawa makes it to the national volleyball team but Iwaizumi doesn't. The next three years become an exercise in growing up without growing apart

Quote: “ ‘it’s just—I’m just trying so hard—’‘What, and I’m not?’

Timeless (We Have 30 Days)

Word count: 12k

Summary: Or AU where you're branded 50 days before you die. But Oikawa doesn't tell anyone so now there's only 30 days left.

the weight of water

Word count: 6k

Summary: “Again,” he says, the smallest tremor in his voice, and Oikawa blinks at him a moment before smiling, soft and sweet. “Iwa-chan,” he replies, and Iwaizumi closes his eyes. “Again.” “Iwa-chan.”

Canon Compliant

Are You Listening?

Word count: 4k

Summary: 30 times oikawa said i love you and 1 time he didn't have to

Quote: “Iwa-chan, watch out for the log—!” Oikawa looked on in horror as his best friend tripped and fell flat on his face.

Edge of the balcony

Word count: 8k

Summary: Iwaizumi looks older, he realizes. Oikawa knew he had aged as well, and so did everyone around him, but the thing was when you see people often, you don't notice the subtle changes in appearance. And Oikawa hadn't seen Iwaizumi in four years.

How can this loser ever win

Word count: 2k

Summary: everyone is in stupid love with Iwaizumi Hajime and he has no idea

♡♡♡Lost in Translation

Word count: 9k

Summary: Because misfortune come in threes, Iwaizumi Hajime starts his Thursday having a screaming fight with Shittykawa, spends his lunch break listening to the UCI women's volleyball team gossiping about how Ushijima Wakatoshi had gone public about his longtime love affair with Oikawa Tooru, and closes out the day by drunkenly dropping his phone into a sewer grate.

maybe we could be enough

Word count: 9k

Summary: iwaizumi hums in reply as the car goes silent, frank ocean crooning from the speakers. they stop at a red light when iwaizumi feels eyes at the side of his face, and turns to look at oikawa.

Most people never even get a single high school rival

Word count: 5k

Summary: Team Argentina gets to know Iwaizumi Hajime (27) Athletic Trainer.

Primavera

Word count: 8k

Summary: They say it takes twenty-six years, for certain breeds to fully bloom.

Quote: Did you know that distance is only me, growing towards you?

♡♡♡rest on your laurels

Word count: 4k

Summary: In Iwaizumi’s heart of hearts, untouched by time, they are young and alive, burning with the hearth of home and bright as winter light. Unbreakable. Invincible.

♡♡♡Something Borrowed

Word count: 16k

Summary: In which Oikawa and Iwaizumi have always been a foregone conclusion to everyone else, but a massive, unanswered question to one another.

‘Til Infinity

Word count: 2k

Summary: “Hey,” he says, “that cloud looks kind of like a dick.”

Quote: “I got you ladybug”

♡♡♡ You Set Off a Dream In Me

Word count: 15k

Summary: In which Oikawa is 41 and ready to retire. He's at the top of his game and ready to find a new challenge. Turns out his new challenge is pretty familiar. It's high school, round 2.

Quote: A past with an Iwaizumi that wasn’t on the opposite side of the net, monsters on all sides, guiding a setter that had lived the dream left behind in the ruins of Tooru’s past self.

Canon Divergent

a world alone

Word count: 60k

Summary: Iwaizumi has his medical books on the musculoskeletal system. Oikawa has his research papers on parallel universes. It isn't until much, much later that they realize they have each other.

♡Almost a Stranger

Word count: 16k

Summary: Iwa-chan's leaving Kapan. Tooru's not sure he can forgive him, but he's not going to admit his long-held feelings, either. A trip to Miyajima complicates everything.

Quote: There are only two things that have ever broken Oikawa Tooru’s heart. Iwa-chan would say Tooru has no heart to break, but that’s simply untrue.

Count your blessings, it goes 1,2,3, me

Word count: 7k

Summary: He's unsettled by the undefined boundaries of their relationship so it's all his luck that he accidentally wins three wishes to be granted just for him, and all that comes to mind is Iwaizumi.

Quote: Now, as an adult, past convenience of circumstance and the haze of hormonal lust, exactly none of his feelings have worn off

♡♡♡the courtship ritual of the hercules beetle

Word count: 66k

Summary: Tooru is pretty sure he could manage the mating habits of a mosquito. It’s the mating habits of people he can’t seem to get right.

♡days fall away

Word count:17k

Summary: Except now he’s back home, so close to his old haunts and to Oikawa himself, and it's—weird.

Quote: “You and Tooru,” he begins, and then shrugs. “I was just thinking, you look at each other a lot.” And he walks away, leaving Hajime winded, and sort of aching, somewhere deep in his chest. Whatever that means.

♡here comes your man

Word count: 8k

Summary: Iwa-chan, it reads, Have a good day today! Good luck! <3 <3 <3 Suga chokes. It’s hard to imagine anyone calling the scowling and fierce Doctor Iwaizumi “Iwa-chan.” But marriage probably comes with all sorts of liberties. Doctor AU

♡♡In damp earth my body

Word count: 15k

Summary: Onscreen, the nation’s favorite setter has arranged himself so that he’s bowing, forehead pressed to the court, like he’s thanking everyone for their kindness thus far, like he’s asking for forgiveness. Hajime thinks: shit, it’s really happening

In the Business of Love

Word count: 22k

Summary: Meet Oikawa Tooru: He's a best-selling shoujo manga artist, a hardcore romantic and you won't believe where he's getting his lovey dovey fodder from...Enter Iwaizumi Hajime: He's Oikawa's best friend, a realist who also happens to be a wedding magazine writer despite not believing in romance...

Quote: A flare of pride lit in Oikawa as he watched Iwaizumi's eyes crinkle with mirth and in that yawning second, it bloomed into a warmth that bordered on a burn, forcing a bittersweet inhale.

it's been so long (nobody knows me the way you do)

Word count: 8k

Summary: Tooru hums, only half-listening. Somewhere along the way, Hajime’s palm has settled itself over the curve of Tooru’s cheek, thumb tracing over the line of his jaw.

Quote: Iwaizumi blushes even more. “That you’re here, I mean. I’m happy that you’re here. With me.”

♡♡♡Mint

Word count: 19k

Summary: It's the December after Iwaizumi’s last year in university when Tokyo welcomes him with a new ad campaign for Bright Days toothpaste, and Oikawa Tooru—fresh off a run at the 2016 Summer Olympics—has decided to grace the city with his signature grin, a flip of his wayfarer sunglasses, and the most irrepressible tag line for the signboard above.

Quote: "To be able to tell him, in the new year." This comes under Oikawa's breath, so low that Matsukawa and Hanamaki can't hear, and the game continues.

Six-Month Lover

Word count: 89k

Summary: Iwaizumi barks out a laugh. “I’m still trying to get over the fact that you made a PowerPoint presentation about why we should date.” Oikawa doesn’t tell him the file has existed for the last twelve years, constantly receives updates, and that the original copy contained almost a hundred slides before he forced himself to get a grip.

Special Relativity

Word count: 22k

Summary: Time moves differently for people in different inertial reference frames. Oikawa goes on a two-year exploratory mission in space. Iwaizumi's been waiting for a lot longer than that.

♡♡sunset towns

Word count: 33k

Summary: In the summer of 2020, Oikawa Tooru returns home from his first successful stint as captain of Japan’s national volleyball team. In one hand, he holds the undisputed weight of an Olympic medal, and in the other, his unresolved feelings for a childhood best friend.

♡♡Thirty Years and Change (the Games of the XXXIII Olympiad)

Word count: 19k

Summary: It’s July 10th, 2024, and Oikawa Tooru is an Olympian. His smiling face airs on an NHK promo every 45 seconds. He’s captain of the national men’s volleyball team, reigning star of the professional leagues, and he hasn't spoken to Iwaizumi Hajime in two years.

Quote: Oikawa’s grin in the last set of the morning’s game. Oikawa’s grin as they sat on their asses on a golf course. Oikawa’s grin when they were in college. When they were in high school. When they were twenty-two, seventeen, fifteen, twelve, six.

High School

Bet On It

Word count: 13k

Summary: Hajime knows exactly how shitty Oikawa's personality is, and has no scruples whatsover about betting Oikawa six thousand yen that he can't be nice for an entire week.

Quote: The whole instant-compliance thing was seriously creeping him out. Oikawa from a week ago would have made a crack about how if he'd wanted something cold, he could have just put his face on Hajime's shoulder.

Betweens

Word count: 2k

Summary: Iwaizumi is asleep in the club room. Oikawa is blindingly awake in the club room. The sun moves slowly across the sky, and Iwaizumi’s skin is gold underneath it. Oikawa watches the changing shadows on Iwaizumi’s face and thinks about nothing in particular.

Don’t think too much

Word count: 6k

Summary: In which Oikawa and Iwaizumi have a confusing, drunken encounter and then deal with the (sticky) consequences.

Quote: As soon as that thought crossed his mind, though, Oikawa did what he always did: exactly the opposite of what Hajime wanted

Gates

Word count: 12k

Summary: The day after their graduation ceremony, they drive to the beach at Shirahama. Iwaizumi drives, because it’s his car, and as he has told Oikawa on multiple occasions, he’d rather die than let him touch the wheel.

Quote: ‘Yeah,’ he says, because they’re on a beach, and they’re supposed to be on a metaphorical journey, and they’re supposed to be growing up, and completing rites of passage, so it’s honesty, today - just for today, at least.

♡♡i sing the body electric

Word count: 8k

Summary: It was never part of the plan, falling in love with his best friend, but then again, most things in Iwaizumi’s life that involve Oikawa rarely unfold the way he thinks they will.

Quote: But Iwaizumi thinks about Oikawa laughing with that girl in the low light of the gym, a particular kind of quiet intimacy that Iwaizumi’s only ever read about in books hovering in the air, and all it makes him feel is small and petty and spiteful.

it’s better than words

Word count: 3k

Summary: [ or : oikawa makes iwaizumi participate in three bonding activities for new friends, and iwaizumi just wants to know why oikawa's being so weird about this]

Make sure you cross the line

Word count: 4k

Summary: With graduation just around the corner, Iwaizumi knows he has to gather the courage to really ask Oikawa out.

Quote: He’s been asking Iwaizumi to go out with him every single day this past week, increasingly panicked about getting his time and attention now that they’re nearing the end of this season of their lives.

Only the jellyfish know

Word count: 6k

Summary: Their third and final year at Aoba Jousai has come to an end, and the guys decide to go to the beach the day after graduation. That day, the ocean water is salty, the watermelon is sweet, and the people are sweeter.

static

Word count: 6k

Summary: Being snowed in with all of Seijou volleyball in his childhood home brings back a lot of memories for Iwaizumi, because it's kinda Oikawa's childhood home too.

Quote: It's fate that brought them together and choice that keeps them that way. The closest description in Hajime’s vocabulary is partners, but only because Oikawa taught him what its true definition is.

Told before and told again

Word count: 3k

Summary: This is how Hajime and Tooru fall in love, through the accounts of those around them.

Quote: When Oikawa lets out a long, heavy breath, Iwaizumi looks up at him and frowns, and flings a towel over Oikawa’s head to cover his face. Then, he tugs, once, on Oikawa’s fingers, and leads him down the hallway, Oikawa walking quietly in tow.

♡we can do better than that

Word count: 16k

Summary: Oikawa and Iwaizumi go on a road trip during the summer after their high school graduation. It doesn't go as expected, but maybe that's not such a bad thing after all.

Quote: Because Iwaizumi’s known Oikawa nearly all his life and never felt anything more than vague affection usually followed by intense irritation for him. But then suddenly at eighteen years old and nearly two weeks into a very badly planned road trip, it’s like someone flipped a switch somewhere inside Iwaizumi

♡when it starts to rain, they go inside

Word count: 33k

Summary: “Where?” starts Iwaizumi.“ My parent’s old lakehouse, silly, didn’t you hear me the first time?” OR: Oikawa takes Iwaizumi to his lakehouse for two weeks, post-graduation.

reassemble it

Word count: 15k

Summary: When Tooru was six years old, he discovered—unbeknownst to him at the time—two of the most important things in his life: volleyball and Iwaizumi Hajime. It was ironic that he had stumbled upon them hand in hand—quite literally, too.

♡things that change, things that stay the same

Word count: 8k

Summary: Oikawa realizes he's in love with his best friend; it sucks for a while. (But only a while.)

Quote: Iwaizumi’s expression right now is less terrified than it used to get back then, but he’s tight-lipped with concern, and his broad body blocks out other passengers as if their stares might be a danger to Tooru too.

University AU

An Archaeology of Affection

Word count: 23k

Summary: For Hajime, it is a riddle and simultaneously so evident. It fills his chest, surging like water, paints heat up his neck. In retrospect, it eats up his days, makes them its own until it feels like his heart has always been in his throat at the smile thrown over Oikawa’s shoulder, the stilling of his fingers on Hajime’s sleeve.

closure

Word count: 22k

Summary: In his first year of university, Oikawa builds a new friendship and upgrades an old one. Or: Ushijima is not a great wingman, but he tries his best.

Quote: “On the first day of his university career, Oikawa Tooru walks into his dorm, spots his assigned roommate, and turns one hundred and eighty degrees and walks right back out. He dials a familiar phone number - the first one he ever memorized - and starts complaining before Iwaizumi even gets the chance to say hello. “Iwa-chan,” he says, “tell me why Ushiwaka is in my dorm room.”

♡♡♡galaxies, within you

Word count: 21k

Summary: Hajime and Tooru move in together at the start of university. Too bad they’re stuck with the two gremlins that haunt their apartment.

Quote: I AM A HEADASS

Hands to yourself

Word count: 11k

Summary: He missed his parents, and he missed Takeru, and Takeru's badly behaved puppy. He missed Aoba Jousai, and he missed the volleyball team. He even missed Karasuno and Shiratorizawa, just a little.

Home, and how we made ours

Word count: 3k

Summary: “No, I like it here.” There’s a rustling as Iwaizumi shifts, inching closer. “I like it here, as in this crappy apartment—with you.”

Quote: “Do your fights end up being like—you know, about actual things and then extending into toddler days and suddenly you’re accusing Iwaizumi of kissing the girl you used to like in preschool?”

in progress to you

Word count: 6k

Summary: The eventuality of Oikawa and Iwaizumi falling toward each other is dramatically lackluster. Still, it's a process to go through.

Quote: “But what if you didn’t eat my pudding all the time?” Iwaizumi asks flatly, ignoring the way Oikawa is slapping his thigh to get out of his chokehold. “Do you think I buy them for you, huh? I buy them for me, you turd.”

Like we’re made of starlight

Word count: 6k

Summary: (a look into iwaizumi hajime’s journey of falling in love with oikawa tooru, from when they’re babies meeting for the first time to young adults moving in together.)

Ninety nine percent

Word count: 14k

Summary: more than anything, oikawa tooru wants to be with iwaizumi hajime, but he's only ninety nine percent of the way there.

Quote: Their ace was lining up for the ball, knees bent and arm pulled back, just as Tooru tosses the ball……to Hajime.

no sleep in the city

Word count: 7k

Summary: Along their journey to find Tokyo's best ramen, Iwaizumi finds himself asked again and again why Oikawa is still single.

Quote: “I was only telling Hanamaki literally yesterday that your personality isn’t as vile as before,” Iwaizumi informs, slightly stiff from the way Oikawa’s got an arm looped through his own. “Why do you make me such a liar to people I care about?”

Out of nowhere

Word count: 8k

Summary: They move in together after graduation and it's doing weird things to Iwaizumi's heart. He's a little in denial about it.

Quote: Oikawa excitedly ran up to him when Iwaizumi came home with groceries the other day. Not about the food but just to say how boring everything is when Iwaizumi's not there, eyes shining, and he couldn't meet his gaze after from blushing down to his neck. He doesn't know how much more he can take.

♡♡shiver

Word count: 16k

Summary: Oikawa was always the brave one. Hajime just followed two paces behind.

Quote: “I’m in love with you,” Oikawa tells him three days after they graduate junior high, head in his lap and hands gently folded over his chest and completely and totally unconcerned that he’d just shattered Hajime’s world.

Terpischore

Word count: 38k

Summary: They’d ended up going to different universities, Tooru and he. The distance was good for them. The confession Hajime dropped in both their laps wasn’t. That’s how it’d ended – a lifetime of friendship crumbled to dust in the space of five minutes. (Or, a lesson in learning to move on from things you can't have, in finding old loves in new ways and in understanding that life is never truly simple... till it is.)

terrarium

Word count: 11k

Summary: At this point, is he really happy with just staying best friends forever? Will he be writing journals and collecting rocks forever (he will, he knows, but that is aside from the point)?

these foolish things (remind me of you)

Word count: 3k

Summary: Oikawa helps Iwaizumi move into his new college dorm.

Quote: He’s desperate for something to happen. It must show on his face because Iwaizumi blushes and looks away. The thing is, Oikawa always looks at him like this when Iwaizumi isn’t paying attention.

They say it rains diamonds on Jupiter

Word count: 35k

Summary: "You're in love with him. "Hajime considers denying it. "Yeah," he says instead.

Quote: “Share the weight of your feelings with me, Hajime wants to beg when he hears Tooru's first hitched breath. Let me carry some of your burdens”

to be first, to be best

Word count: 26k

Summary: Hajime is apparently something of a masochist, and as he stares down at the tie-dyed AREA51 T-shirt in his hands, he thinks “I’m totally in love with this asshole, aren't I?”

Undecipherable

Word count: 4k

Summary: "Koi no yokan," he says. "The sense one can have upon first meeting a person that the two of you are going to fall in love."

Quote: Because for all the bravado, for all the flaunting Oikawa does, he wants Hajime by his side, and no one else.

♡we shine like diamonds

Word count: 26k

Summary: "You know Abe-kun from class?" they snicker, hands cupped around their mouths like they're passing along a filthy secret. "I hear his older brother is... gay."

Where you are (I’ll be)

Word count: 6k

Summary: Theirs is a love that starts out like a seed and it takes two sets of hands tending it for a shoot to appear. There are no dramatic declarations of love, only a pair of hands that find each other again and again and again.

Quote: Oikawa broke off into giggles as Hajime slowed the descent of his hand from a slap to the back of Oikawa’s head to a gentle ruffle of the taller boy’s hair

♡♡with every second that you could give

Word count: 9k

Summary: The journey of Iwaizumi and Oikawa going for gold.

Quote: He knows they’re too close. Iwaizumi knows it too, and they both decided to move in together anyway.

Your love is sunlight

Word count: 6k

Summary: It's Iwaizumi's birthday, and they have a talk about the future.

Quote: But Hajime doesn’t think any present could top this: them, kissing in a sun-dappled bathroom, Oikawa’s skin warm under his hands, and the promise of a life together stretched out before them.

#haikyuuweek2020 #iwaoi #oikawa tooru #iwaizumi hajime #i spent more time on this than all of my edits combined pls appreciate this

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murdereraisuha · 3 years

Text

Final Chapter 5 Reflection

This will have my personal opinion/thoughts on:

The VDC outcome, Rook’s actions, and what could’ve made it better

The Rook reveal and Neige

Kalim, Jamil, and Epel’s development

The Grim scene

Total word count: 2134 words

--- 1 ---

So, RSA won the VDC. My feelings on this are mixed.

Looking at it in relation to the whole plot of TWST, it makes sense. It moves the chance for NRC to finally beat RSA to the upcoming magift tournament, which gives NRC’s potential victory a large amount of excitement/importance which it wouldn’t get from this middle of the year championship.

Furthermore, Rook’s actions do make sense based on his personality. If Vil really didn’t believe that he himself was beautiful, Rook of course would vote for the team that exhibited pure joy in their performance and therefore exhibited a heartfelt beauty. It would be a lie to vote for NRC, and it would disgrace both Rook and Vil. Rook’s actions plot wise also lead to the discussion about Vil valuing himself vs seeking value from others, which I think is a crucial thing for Vil to remember. While trying to gain recognition for hard work is good, and Vil certainly does deserve recognition, it’s much more important to maintain a good perception of yourself even when things happen or people wrongfully say things that might tear down your self-esteem

However, I still have issues with how this played out in relation to the plot of chapter 5. It’s unrealistic for all of Vil’s misgivings about himself to get fixed through the power of friendship and beating each other up. But, still, the team went through a lot in order to get to the championship united and ready to perform. It feels like a slap in the face for them to lose after all that. Especially the scene with Kalim and Epel crying while Ya Hoo cheerfully plays in the background, it's so comically dissonant. Though we already got an explanation from Vil about how Neige’s performance appeals to viewers, I was still shocked. At least it was a close competition rather than a crushing defeat.

Also, while Rook’s message was sound, the timing was rather bad. Vil and the rest of the team just had a massive battle and then went through a whole song & dance performance without major blunders while still injured. Focusing on Vil’s self-esteem there makes it seem like Rook is just brushing all that determination and effort away. Though Vil doesn’t seem to truly hold it against Rook since he offers the handkerchief back to Rook when he cries, the situation still feels off.

In conclusion, I think that the plot events made sense. However, the execution of them could have been improved. As is, it’s hard to understand Rook’s motivations in this part due to the ridiculousness of RSA’s kid’s song winning. To fix that without just completely overhauling the plot, I believe that the admirable qualities of Neige and the dwarves should have been shown more clearly. For example, while the Pomefiore CM shows a glimpse of their bond, that’s nonexistent in the game. I think that incorporating that into the game (ex. a short scene of Neige reassuring the dwarves that their performance will go well before they step on stage) would help people understand Rook’s point of view better by showing instead of just telling us about the belief Neige has in his friends..

Moreover, alongside better reasons for why Rook choose RSA, I think it should be clearer why he did not choose NRC. It seems an attempt at warning of the “betrayal” was done with Vil menacingly saying he’ll win the VDC during the voting, followed by the shot of Rook just going “........”. To make this less sudden, I think I would change episode 66. Though that episode has Vil saying that he’s ugly, because the team contradicts him and keeps him as the leader it makes it seem like the problem is solved there. Therefore, to better lead to Rook’s speech, I would change episode 66 to have Vil show more hesitation and signs that he still doesn’t believe in himself.

--- 2 ---

Anyway, on to the reveal about Rook. I wasn’t sure what to think about the name slip up during the previous part, but I just guessed that maybe they’d met before and that meeting is related to RSA and Rook having light magic. Nope, we get Neige simp Rook. I think this reveal was really surprising, but more in a funny way than a “ruins Rook’s character” way. It’s nice to see Rook seriously caught off guard by Neige just nonchalantly exposing him in front of everyone, and everyone’s reactions were extremely funny.

I think that the chapter did a decent job of making it clear that Rook’s relationship with Neige as a fan of him is vastly different from Rook’s calm admiration of and friendship with Vil. I’m kind of curious now about how and when Rook became a fan though. Him being the 2nd member of the fan club implies that Rook found Neige when Neige still hadn’t gotten much fame yet.

I loved everyone’s Ya Hoo too. Ace and Jamil having level 0 enthusiam, Kalim and Rook having level 1000 enthusiasm, Deuce being startled but slowly getting into it but still being kind of eh, Epel just keeping that wide-eyed confused expression the whole time. ボーテ、１００点. For Vil, I understand that he was probably faking his big smile for the benefit of the audience. However, I still hope his opinion of Neige has improved somewhat or will improve. Neige telling Vil that he’s still number one in the eyes of the people who voted for him was really sweet and their interactions with each other are pretty cute/funny when Vil isn’t trying to murder him.

Unlike other minor characters like Chenya and Farena who either weren’t involved in the plot or were only involved as backstory, Neige is Vil’s present rival and motivation for doing the stuff he does and over blotting. With such a large presence that continued all throughout the chapter and the Rook reveal, it would seem strange for Neige to suddenly drop out of existence come chapter 6.

Therefore, assuming that the Grim situation doesn’t derail the current patterns we’ve seen in the story, I think that Neige will be included as part of the Pomefiore involvement in chapter 6. Of course, it could be something small like getting called in for a favor near the end or just mentions of Rook continuing to write him fan letters. However, I’m hoping it’s something larger. From my analysis of the previous part:

Vil’s team’s performance had a lot of cohesion and rehearsal put into it, but it was very competitive focused. On the other hand, Neige and the dwarves obviously had a lot of fun with their performance. However, it was clumsy and they were ill prepared. Therefore, Vil could teach Neige more discipline and planning while Neige could teach Vil about how to not lose sight of finding joy in your work.

Now that we have confirmation that Neige is a genuinely nice guy, I really want Vil & Neige friendship to happen, or for them to at least be on good terms with each other. It might just be my personal love for relationships where one person tries to be all rival-y but then the other is like “nope, I’m going to friend you whether you like it or not,” but I think this sort of development in the story of TWST would be really enjoyable to watch.

--- 3 ---

For the performance of Absolutely Beautiful, I love that Jamil got to be in the center for a bit. However, that also just makes me more disappointed that we didn’t get more Scarabia or anything about how their families are watching this. With the stuff in 5-30 and 5-34 focusing on Kalim’s perspective on things and his relationship with Jamil, I thought that at some point we would get a final scene focusing on them and how they’ve developed since chapter 4. What we got with Jamil swooping in to the rescue with the magic carpet then talking about how he could sense that Kalim was about to do something stupid was better than nothing, but idk. I just love the writing and complexity these two have gotten and I wanted that to continue to the end. I still have hope though! If we can get a thing about Leona noticing the traces of magic in the arena, then we can get future appearances from the Scarabia boys too!... please...

Now, for Epel, I also have mixed feelings about his development throughout the chapter. I absolutely loved the beach scene with Deuce and Epel, it was so cute and I liked Epel realizing the power of beauty because of the apple juice Magicam post. However, I think the narrative missed something important. Though Epel’s views had a lot of improvement to be made, Vil’s treatment of him was also terrible and should have been addressed. I believe Vil saying that “throwing a tantrum and taking it out on others was terrible of him” in episode 66 implies that he’s realized that all his actions, not just the overblot, were wrong. However, it’s not clear enough that that was the intention. Vil does not apologize specifically for how he attempted to force Epel to conform to his own beliefs. Though there’s always chapter 6, it still doesn’t seem like the story will ever really address this issue, which is a shame to say the least.

Furthermore, in this final part, Epel offering to take the center position was really good and showed how much he’s grown since the beginning of the chapter. However, it still didn’t bring the whole “poison apple” thing to fruition. Absolutely no one made any comment on his cuteness or how it might rival Neige’s cuteness. Did they plan something with that but scraped it? Like, this is way too little pay off for such a focus on Vil shaping Epel into a way to best Neige. My disappointment with this ending might have to do with these past 3 main story updates being the only ones I’ve been in this fandom for, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Whatever the cause of my disappointment may be, my disappointment still does exist.

--- 4 ---

To top off this roller coaster of a chapter and end this reflection with a more neutral analysis, we have the stuff with Mickey and Grim. Mickey seems really nice, I’m glad that Yuu seems to have made an ally in him. We certainly need one after whatever the hell just happened with Grim. I really have to give props for how unsettling both Grim’s appearance and the sounds during that scene were.

Though we’re obviously getting close to the endgame, the Ignihyde sneak peak that we got seems pretty normal and related to their personal problems rather than the plot. Though it would be interesting for a big change to happen like Yuu being out of commission for the chapter, I think it’s more likely that Yuu will be rescued, Grim just goes missing, then we don’t get much more info on that whole thing until the end of chapter 6 leading into chapter 7.

Anyway, for the scene itself I understand if it just because silent protagonist, don’t want to make them talk/do too much, but it feels kind of weird that there wasn’t really any indication of a struggle? Just standing there, staring at Grim, getting clawed, then black out. Nothing to indicate trying to step back. There was some weird clopping??? sound after he attacked but since the camera didn’t move that wasn’t Yuu collapsing.

Also, it might just be supposed to be “Grim’s laugh but creepy,” but his ケヒッ、ケヒヒッ laughter sounds unusually distinctive? Idk, I just had the thought that it could be in reference to some other disney character with a similar laugh but idk who that would be since I’m not big into disney movies.

Right before he attacks, Grim also shouts “this is my stone!!!” Firstly, assuming that this stone is the same small size as the others, shouldn’t he already be done eating it? Yuu’s not exactly gonna stick their hand down his throat to retrieve it. So what stone is he talking about?

Well, we know that the magic crystal on the magic pens is supposed to collect blot so that it doesn’t built up inside someone, right? Blot accumulated from outright eating it instead of blot accumulated from casting magic is probably different, but what if some of the blot from the black stones did get gathered up by Grim’s crystal on his collar? We know how crazed he has been getting about the black stones. Is it so much of a stretch to think that he might be trying for more? That he might be trying to create instead of just find?

How would a black magic crystal taste?

#twst #twisted wonderland #twst spoilers #vil schoenheit #rook hunt #neige leblanche #twst theories #twst grim #update screaming

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magicalforcesau · 3 years

Text

Letters (part 1)

The written correspondence between Obi-Wan and Satine throughout their Hogwarts career. In this part, we see the early stages of their friendship leading up to where we find ourselves in the beginning of “Dancing with Ghosts in Your Garden”.

ao3 link

First Year- Winter

Dear Obi-Wan,

I distinctly recall requesting that we continue correspondence over the course of our winter holiday and yet, here we are nearing the halfway point without any trace of a letter. It is to my understanding that you are intrinsically hardwired to automate politeness, but such pleasantries are meaningless if you do not intend on following through. Here I was thinking that despite our many differences, that we were becoming acquaintances.

Before you go off developing delusions of grandeur thinking I am lonely or desperate for your reciprocated communication, I am quite well off either way. I am just miffed that I was not afforded the opportunity to practice writing in Mando’a more this break and my owl, Copikla, needed the exercise.

Should this letter find you well, I must emphasize that I am not crying out for a response. Your silence will be loud enough on your intentions regarding any pursuit of a potential friendship. Do not write back out of pity, either, because that would be as insulting as it would be foolish.

Sincerely,

Satine Kryze

Dear Satine,

Please understand that I am deeply apologetic for not writing sooner. It was not out of intentional callousness nor more damningly, indifference. Cody had written to me as well asking in regard to my whereabouts. Though it is not an excuse for my silence, I’ve mentioned before that my parents are very specific in what they expect of me, and unfortunately, I did not meet their hopes for the term. As a result, I've resolved to cleaning every square inch of the house. While this might seem like a simple set of chores, I promise you my house has many inches to clean.

Even in writing this letter I had to perform with haste. Mother has, of course, enlisted my assistance for the New Year’s party as she had for the Christmas party. I beg of you to ignore the fact that this is written on a napkin. All of my parchment is upstairs.

My semester at Hogwarts could have been completely dreadful had it not been for Cody and your combined efforts in preventing me from wallowing in my own self-pity. I am beginning to see the positives in starting fresh in Ravenclaw house and hope that one day, I will be capable of showing my parents the potential as well. Only time will tell, but I cannot wait to return to Hogwarts and that is because of the both of you.

I truly hope I can return some of the happiness you’ve given me and I say that not out of obligation, but from the depths of my heart.

Sincerely,

Obi-Wan Kenobi

Second Year- Summer

Dear Obi-Wan,

I know we just parted not but a few hours ago (don’t let it go to your head), but I couldn't help but look up what we were discussing earlier on the train. The International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy was formed due to the many witch and wizard (mostly witch- sexism and all that) burnings that were taking place all across the globe. Witches and wizards did not feel safe especially for their young, who could not control their magic as easily. However, as I suspected, there was opposition to maintaining secrecy and it was from none other than the pureblood sectors of magic.

That’s interesting, right? Especially when you consider our present political climate where it is the opposite. The purebloods preferred the melding of the two worlds, because they enjoyed coming and going as they pleased as well as associating with the upper class muggles of the time.

I hope you are not chained to your bedpost for the entire summer considering Ravenclaw claimed the House Cup in part to your miraculous save at the end of the match. You certainly deserve to see a little sunlight and that’s coming from someone as pale as myself.

Do actually write back this time if you’re allotted a quill and parchment. You’ll be insulted to know I am using a mechanical pen as we speak. There are some aspects of the wizarding culture that I will never understand, and the lack of simple innovation is one of them.

Sincerely,

Satine

Dear Satine,

What is truly a wonder is that someone is tackling the summer reading assignments even before I’ve managed to touch them! If you aren’t careful, everyone is going to start calling you the nerd behind your back. They’d be utterly daft to say it to your face, of course. I do not want to hear any nonsense about you finishing your homework before me, because simply using a standard pen is giving you a significant advantage to your arsenal. Before you retaliate with some droll rebuttal about how I’ve had countless advantages in being bred with wizarding history all around me, I think you need to reconsider my sources and how often I have to sift through half-truths to find reality.

For instance, the very piece of history you’re speaking of is told entirely differently in our textbooks than it has been my whole life. My family has always given off the impression that purebloods wanted to spare the less fortunate wizards from the muggle world and that it was those of lower status who did not understand the dangers of the world and got themselves twisted with dangerous muggles. It’s a little frightening how perspective changes the course of history.

The witch burnings were truly a terrible incident altogether, which is something all sources seem to agree upon. I do wonder though if they were more like martyrs for the ISS to begin. I’m sure muggle history has its ugly spots as well in regards to this era. When you finish your assignments and inevitably grow bored enough to write to me again, I’d be interested to hear the muggle perspective on historical incidents such as these. I’m sure as someone who has gone to muggle primary school, you were afforded a different and more rounded perspective on the matter.

Sincerely,

Obi-Wan

Third Year- Summer

Dear Ben,

I don’t understand how you can even REMOTELY believe that an institute that enslaves LIVING BEINGS of any kind is anywhere near acceptable. How do you go a full two years of knowing a person and never come across that key factoid? While I do often find myself trying to be considerate of the environment you grew up in, this is a basic core belief that is incredibly black and white. Either you believe that slavery is a reasonable option, or you do not. It is not a subject in which someone can have no opinion, because in doing so would only support those that believe in its merit. It’s how oppression thrives, not in its believers, but in those unwilling to say anything at all.

House Elves were not enslaved because it was the very reason they were created, but they were enslaved and then brainwashed into believing that their life’s purpose was to serve. The very ideal of their desires being infringed upon with the abolitionist movement was a narrative that was bred by slaveowners. A while back, when we spoke of witch burnings and of skewed narratives, you mentioned that you have been raised under the belief that historical moments happened a certain way. You then had to question your beliefs because your textbook said differently.

Allow me to be your textbook: wizards are not entitled to house elves. The institution that thrives off of the economic convenience of house elves was built on the backs of slavery. Cruelty. So, pardon me for feeling no remorse in the economic lapse taken when your ancestors were forced by wizarding statute to relinquish their slaves. In fact, I am doubling down on that apathy in how your family treats their paid servants.

Sincerely,

Satine

Dear Satine,

I never said owning a house elf was okay nor did I say I agreed with it. For Pete’s sake, do you always have to dig into controversy the moment we enter the borders of London? I swear you get pleasure out of catching me with my foot in my mouth with the excuse to go on some form of a tirade. How silly of me to ever dare to assume that I had the last word on the train.

House Elves were slaves and it was and always will be wrong. You’ll have no arguments from me in that regard and I’ve always believed that, with or without your infinite wisdom. I wish it was never a facet of our society, but it was. I’ve been honest with you in reference to how poorly my parents treat their servants and that they are not paid a typical wage, but out of indentured servitude. I was merely stating before that I have no pull nor say in ending this “contract”, not that I agree with its existence. While I’ll be honest, I never truly considered the injustice of it all until more recently, I never envied him and always showed compassion. I’ve been compassionate not to lessen my burden of guilt, but because it’s the right way to be.

I do not appreciate your comments in reference to my upbringing, as though that somehow makes me a lesser person simply because I come from bias. Everyone has bias and everyone must learn to differentiate from them.

My primary argument was from an economic standpoint only and in trying to raise the important question of how to repair that without relying on servitude. To this day, former elves struggle as some of the very elves who participated in the revolution are still alive and without a set purpose in this economy. Though they deserved to be free, the manner at which is was done was nearly as horrible as keeping them chained forever. Most fall back into stride of serving former masters. It raises the question of if they were ever really free and if we require such practices in order to thrive, are we really free? That doesn’t say much about us, now does it?

Now that I had more than exactly three seconds to articulate my point, does that satisfy you? Or would you rather return to your soapbox?

Sincerely,

Obi-Wan

P.S.: I hope your newfound abhorrence to my character does not prevent you from continuing to write this summer.

Third Year- Winter

Dear Satine,

Perhaps it’s near damnation for me to be physically documenting this moment, but I simply had to tell somebody. That impulse alone is a very frightening character change that I did not see coming. I’ve always thought I liked keeping to myself, but now I wonder if that was mere acceptance rather than preference. Regardless, I need you to know that I released Jar Jar, our humble and bumbling servant, from his contract this evening.

They were going to hurt him.

It wasn’t my parents’ decision, by my grandfather’s, who if you ever believed my parents were strict and traditional, you’ve never seen him in action. Practically senile, my grandfather loathes not only muggles and muggleborns, but halfbloods and low-ranking purebloods as well. My mother swears he was not as blunt and fiery in his youth, but I cannot be so sure.

Jar Jar has gotten a bit clumsier in his growing age as well. We have a whole lot of ‘loyal’ butlers and maids, of course, but Jar Jar has been with my family the longest, dating back shortly after the house elf revolution. He made the unfortunate mistake of spilling a glass of milk on my grandfather’s lap and his punishment was decided. It was to be done later that night in the backyard like he was a rabid animal.

I did not realize such practices even existed, nor that it was impossible for Jar Jar to simply run, since he still owes a significant monetary debt to my family on behalf of his ancestors. He would have died if he’d done so, because unbeknownst to myself, an unbreakable vow had been committed.

My Father was quite upset too, saying he’d grown to care for him and all the work he’s done since he was a child. It was the closest my father and I have ever come to sharing an emotional moment. Of course, now I can’t seem to hear anything they say regarding the matter without your words ringing through my head, so it was a bit muddled by the fact that he was more focused on losing out on Jar Jar’s service than on Jar Jar. He was also quite sloshed.

I could stand it no longer and I could simply not allow this sort of act to occur. They could have killed him if I’d heard correctly the sort of punishment method they were going to implement. I’ll spare you the details, but they were quite gruesome.

So, I crept upstairs, grabbed the savings I’d been holding onto beneath my bed, and I handed it over through a door that was merely cracked open enough to fit my hand through. I’m not even sure if Jar Jar knew it was me. All I knew was that Jar Jar was gone when they opened it later to retrieve him and we were all surprised.

Again, writing this down and admitting to it might be foolish, but while I might have committed a grand piece of treason from the shadows, I have never felt more relieved.

Best,

Obi-Wan

Dear Ben,

Yes, recording the very stunt you are trying to maintain a secret is not the most logical way to keep it under wraps, but I am ever elated to hear that you did it anyway. I’m sorry to hear that Jar Jar was to be harmed at all- let alone for something so mundane and that he didn’t get to achieve freedom until late in life. Who’s to say if he’s truly free right now anyway, as you have pointed out before. However, I will say, he is certainly better off being far away from your grandfather, who cannot harm him anymore.

That does not, of course, take away from the bravery of your actions. I find myself apologizing not once, but twice in this letter, because I do owe you one for ever insinuating that you would be actively in support of cruelty. It is not your way and I should know that by now. Sometimes, I’m a bit too rigid for my own good and I’ll admit to that firsthand. I worry that your need to confirm this with me was simply because you feel as though I think ill of you.

This is not the case. I know I was brash and reactive the first time we discussed this, but while I try to empathize, you must do the same to me. I grew up in a world where this sort of nonsense only existed in history books rather than being an ongoing debate. What concerns me most about the wizarding world is that it refuses to evolve. Not only technologically speaking, but on a humanitarian level.

As always, please keep me updated. I fear not only for the safety of this recently liberated indentured servant, but for you, because I understand you stuck your neck out for him and I admire you for it.

Best regards,

Satine

Fourth Year- Summer

Dear Satine,

I can already tell that summer is going to be brutal around here. While the climate has been tolerable, my father insists on around the clock quidditch practice. It seems my ‘lucky’ catch in second year was not enough to fully establish their faith in me. I can’t say I blame them. I’m indisputably the worst player on the team. Ever since Ventress caught the snitch for Slytherin and took the cup this year, it’s just about all they can talk about.

I actually don’t mind playing quidditch with my father. He’s very passionate about the sport or moreover, being the best at it. My father was captains of the Slytherin team his 6th and 7th year at Hogwarts. Evidently, he was an unstoppable force. I know they’ve always wished that for me, for that feeling of pure satisfaction at one’s job well done, but I am not the athlete he used to be.

Speaking of Ventress, they keep bringing her around more often than not. She’s still as pleasant as ever, if you’re wondering, and actually mentioned you the other day. She’s still cross about your beating her in wizard’s chess. She hasn’t said as much, but I can tell. I’ve got plenty of practice with deciphering young women that project their annoyance onto me. I can thank you for honing that special skill of mine.

How is your family? It’s to my understanding that your sister is not participating in summer camp this year. I know you saw her at Christmas, but you mentioned that you hadn’t truly spoken due to being so distracted from festivities. I know that you do not enjoy talking about it so if you do not want to, please do not feel obligated. I understand better than many the complications of the families we have to love. It makes us question our sanity sometimes.

Best,

Obi-Wan

Dear Ben,

You must truly be miserable to be writing to me first this summer. Usually, I have to pry letters from your hands if I want to hear about the whereabouts of your family. Now that you’ve turned the tables on me, I can understand why you are less than forthcoming.

Bo being around certainly is odd when it never used to be. I’ve only been at Hogwarts for almost four years. Why does that feel like a millennium? She’s taken great care to be away every summer in its entirety for camp, but this year the camp had been closed. My mother says she’s furious, but I suspect that’s because she doesn’t have an entirely different setting to run off to. I suppose I can’t judge too heavily, but I usually do enjoy my time at home. Seeing my mother and my brother is always refreshing and warm. I don’t want to set the impression that I don’t love my sister, because I do. She’s just… difficult. She doesn’t understand or like the concept of magic. Where my mum and my brother see an amazing new opportunity for me, Bo sees absurdity and refuses to open her mind.

If I can be honest with you, and you’ve certainly proved thus far that I can, I suspect she may be a little jealous. It would not be out of character for her to project her own disdain towards me.

Explaining any more deeply than that would be migraine-inducing for the both of us. I assure you my familial drama does not run as deep as yours, try as you might to downplay your situation. Before you object, I know you care for your family and wish for them to be happy. Of course I respect that. Maybe because I would give just about anything for Bo to be happy too. Within reason. She’s a bit fixated on these violent video games and I assure you I would not be leaning into that lifestyle for the happiness of a twelve year old.

As for your playdates with Ventress, do try and put some distance between yourselves. I wouldn’t want you to catch anything contagious. You tend to sit awful close to Cody and I at lunch.

Best of Luck,

Satine

Fourth Year- Winter

Dear Ben,

I can’t believe we are officially halfway through our time at Hogwarts. It’s silly to think about when we’ve got so much ahead of us, but for some reason this evening, shortly after I got off the train, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Now, here I am, losing sleep like an imbecile despite the fact that I’ve got plenty of time to consider the future. It doesn’t help that they’re already priming us for OWLS and eventually NEWTS shortly thereafter. It feels like just yesterday I’d held a wand for the first time. I’ve never been the same since, of course, but I also don’t feel all that different at the very core.

Well, I certainly don’t despise you anymore and that’s a difference. You’re going to tease me for being soft, but it’s 2 in the morning and the only part of me that is working to quell my anxieties is the realization that the passing of time has only strengthened my knowledge, resolve, and friendships. Not to mention my overall strength in general. At the end of this year, they’ll be announcing who the incoming prefects will be. Naturally, you’ll be amongst them by status and grades alone. I hope to be among that lot. You can’t possibly run the careful ecosystem of law enforcement without me. You’re far too nice.

Maybe you won’t be teasing me for going soft then…

I kid. You’re brilliant and Hogwarts would be lucky to have you. Your family is lucky to have you. I’m (And Cody, of course) very lucky as well. Do not make me say it again, but I will if I must. Sometimes, you need to be reminded of your positive light in people’s lives more than once and I suppose that's what friends are for.

I wish I had a more intellectual debate to pick your brain for at this moment, but in reality, I just wanted you to know that as we stand at the halfway point of our Hogwarts careers, I wouldn’t change a second of it.

Yours,

Satine

Dear Satine,

I’m missing the part where I was supposed to be making fun of you. I do wonder what brought this on, but then again, I find myself in a panic over the passage of time more often than not lately. I truly need to start learning to live rather than survive, because otherwise, I’m going to miss a lot of valuable moments. That’s what Professor Qui-Gon says anyway. I will not miss this one, though, because I am going to save and highlight the portion where you called me brilliant. Just for reference.

I would tac it to the wall, but that might draw some unwanted questioning.

I simultaneously can and cannot believe we are at the midway point of being in school. Look at how far we’ve come! I mean this in the most gracious way possible, but I feel as though I’ve known you all of my life. I don't even want to imagine what I would have been like if you hadn’t shoved all that dessert in my face during first year. Most likely a lot skinnier, which yes, I know that’s still saying a whole lot considering Tarkin refuses to call me anything other than “broomstick”. I’d be more insulted if he wasn’t going gray at 16. It’s quite a pity.

But truly, you’re the reason I didn’t starve and I’ll never forget that.

Ease your thoughts, my friend, because the future for you is bright and limitless. You’ll rise beyond Hogwarts in whichever world you so choose- muggle, magic or both. I believe I speak for Cody as well when I say we have great faith in you.

Truly,

Obi-Wan

#obitine #Obi-Wan Kenobi #satine kryze #The Clone Wars #star wars #magical forces au #fragments of the garden #dwgiyg #tcw

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girlactionfigure · 3 years

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Last of the Red Hot Mamas

The Queen of Jazz

Sophie Tucker was a singer and comedienne whose powerful voice and brassy wit delighted audiences for over six decades.

Sophie’s Jewish parents had to escape from Russia in 1886 after her father had deserted the Russian military, and she was born on the boat to America. The family settled in Hartford, Connecticut where they ran a kosher boarding house and restaurant. Sophie and her three siblings worked hard in the family business, waking up at 3 am every day to peel and chop vegetables before school. After Sophie got home she waited tables and washed dishes.

From almost the moment of birth, Sophie had a huge and magnetic personality. She was confident, sassy, and uninhibited. Jewish vaudeville stars often stayed at her family’s boarding house and she was fascinated by them and their lives. She always knew she was destined for a life in show business. Her parents absolutely forbade her to join the paskudnyaks (rascals) who stayed at their rooming house. Sophie still found a way to perform – she started singing for their guests as she served them. “I would stand up in the narrow space by the door and sing with all the drama I could put into it. At the end of the last chorus, between me and the onions there wasn’t a dry eye in the place.”

Desperate to leave home, she eloped in 1903 with local beer truck driver Louis Tuck. When they returned, her parents organized a traditional Orthodox wedding for them. They had a son, Burt, in 1906, and lived with her family, where she was back to her old role of cooking, cleaning, and serving customers. Meanwhile a frequent guest was Willie Howard, a popular vaudeville comedian and the first to use openly Jewish content in his act. He was impressed by Sophie’s natural talent as an entertainer, and he urged her to move to New York and break into show business. Sophie’s husband Louis did not share her enthusiasm for the stage and after she told him she wanted to move to New York, he took off. Soon, Sophie left Burt with her family, telling them she was going to New Haven for a short vacation. Instead, she moved to New York and never returned. She was 19 years old. Burt was raised by Sophie’s family, and Sophie kept in frequent contact with them over the years.

Sophie arrived in New York with a letter of introduction to a famous composer from Willie Howard, but the composer wasn’t impressed by her singing. She was quickly able to find work singing at coffeehouses and saloons. At the German Village, a popular beer garden, she sang 50-100 songs a night for $15 a week. She was such a hit that she was soon making over $150 a week in pay and tips.

Sophie was generous with her money. She sent most of what she made to her family, and lived in a shabby boarding house where the other residents were prostitutes. A nice Jewish girl from Hartford, Sophie had never encountered this type of woman before, but she wasted no time making friends with her neighbors, and started a longtime practice of giving free women-only concerts in bordellos. Sophie shared her money and belongings with the call girls, and hid the money they made from their pimps. She later said, “Every one of them supported a family back home, or a child somewhere.”

At the time, $150/week was an impressive salary for a single woman, but it wasn’t enough for Sophie, who wanted to get out of the restaurant business once and for all and make it big in vaudeville. She got her first break in 1907: a chance to audition for impresario Chris Brown’s Amateur Night. After her audition she overheard Brown say, “This one’s so big and ugly, the crowd out front will razz her. Better get some cork and black her up.” He told Sophie that she passed the audition and would be featured in the show. However, she had to do it in blackface. Sophie was aghast at the suggestion, but Brown and the other producers insisted that her only chance for a career in show business was in blackface. She agreed to do it.

Sophie’s first vaudeville gig was at Tony Pastor’s on the Bowery where she was booked for a pre-show before the matinee. When she took the stage, the theater was empty. She started singing, but as people entered the room they completely ignored her, chatting noisily as they awaited the main event. She suddenly stopped the show, and started berating the audience for being so rude to her. Sophie had what Jews call chutzpah – audacious self-confidence – and she displayed so much humor and spirit that the audience fell in love with her. Nobody made a peep for the rest of the show, and they demanded three encores.

She was booked onto the New England Vaudeville circuit to sing African-American spirituals, and got rave reviews everywhere she went. It wasn’t just her big voice audiences loved, it was also her big personality, her confident swagger combined with self-deprecating humor. Sophie had a sharp wit and a voice that didn’t need a microphone to fill a room.

Audiences adored Sophie’s minstrel act, but she hated performing in blackface. Finally, at a performance in Boston, she’d had enough. She told the producer that her blackface makeup and costume were lost in transit, and before he could argue she marched onstage as herself. She told the shocked audience, “You-all can see I’m a white girl. Well, I’ll tell you something more: I’m not Southern. I’m a Jewish girl and I just learned this Southern accent doing a blackface act. And now, Mr. Leader, please play my song.” She never performed in blackface again.

Some of Sophie’s songs were bawdy, filled with innuendo and double entendre, while others were sentimental. Her most popular songs included “Some of These Days” and the Jewish favorite, “My Yiddishe Mama.” Initially Sophie only performed “Yiddishe Mama” in front of mostly Jewish audiences since much of the song was in Yiddish, but she soon found that all audiences loved the song. Even if they didn’t understand all of the words, they could appreciate her heartful singing about her devoted mother.

Sophie did a European tour in the 1920’s which was a huge success. When she arrived in England in 1922, she was greeted by fans with a huge sign reading “Welcome Sophie Tucker, America’s Foremost Jewish Actress!” Looking back at her career later in life, she described that sign as her proudest moment. Sophie performed for King George V and Queen Mary at the London Palladium in 1926. She greeted the monarch with a hearty “Hiya King!” The Daily Express described Sophie as “a big fat blond genius, with a dynamic personality and amazing vitality.” Yiddishe Mama became an international hit, and she was asked to perform the song in Berlin by the Berlin Broadcasting Company in 1931. Two years later, when Hitler came to power in 1933, all copies of the recording were destroyed.

Comedy writer Bruce Vilanch saw Sophie Tucker perform when he was a child. He remembered, “She’d make you laugh like crazy. She would belt. She still could blow the roof off the joint. Then she would do something incredibly schmaltzy, she would turn on a dime and make the audience weep… As soon as you were done crying, she would turn around and do some bawdy song… Everything she said was with the force of a judge making a sentence. She didn’t speak, she made policy statements.”

Throughout her career, Sophie chose songs mostly written by black and Jewish songwriters from Tin Pan Alley, including young Irving Berlin. She was close friends with her fellow Vaudeville performer Bill Robinson, known as Bojangles. When Sophie invited Bill to her sister’s wedding in the 1920’s, the doorman wouldn’t let him in, telling him to go through the kitchen. Sophie heard this and immediately pushed the doorman out of the way, closed the front door, and told the guests, “OK everybody goes through the kitchen.”

Despite her act’s raciness, she said “I’ve never sung a single song in my whole life on purpose to shock anyone. My ‘hot numbers’ are all, if you will notice, written about something that is real in the lives of millions of people.” Her songs included, “I May Be Getting Older Every Day (But Younger Every Night),” “I’m The Last of the Red-Hot Mamas,” “I Ain’t Takin’ Orders From No One,” and “When They Start to Ration my Passion, It’s Gonna Be Tough on Me.” She often made fun of her size, calling herself a “perfect 48.”

She kept improving her act, and after a decade as a solo performer, she created a back-up band of black jazz musicians called the “Kings of Syncopation.” They recorded several albums together, all of which were hits, and toured the country playing to enthusiastic crowds. In Chicago they played 15 weeks at the Palace and then at every other theater in town. Crooner Tony Bennett called Sophie “the most underrated jazz singer that ever lived.”

After a few years as the self-styled “Queen of Jazz,” Sophie re-imagined herself again, as a cabaret performer, accompanied by piano player Ted Shapiro. He became part of her act as they developed a snappy banter. Over the years she did some film, radio and TV work but what she loved most was interacting with a live audience.

Sophie married two more times, but neither husband liked being “Mr. Sophie Tucker” and both marriages failed. She said, “Once you start carrying your own suitcase, paying your own bills, running your own show, you’ve done something to yourself that makes you one of those women men like to call ‘a pal’ and “a good sport,’ the kind of woman they tell their troubles to. But you’ve cut yourself off from the orchids and the diamond bracelets, except those you buy yourself.” Throughout her life, Sophie was known for her generosity, and she gave away much of what she made to a variety of philanthropic causes. She established the Sophie Tucker Foundation in the early 1950’s, and endowed hospitals, synagogues, actors guilds, and several charitable organizations in Israel.

Sophie continued performing until the end of her life, even after getting lung cancer. While undergoing treatment she was still doing two shows a night. Sophie died at age 80 in 1966, during a months-long theater engagement. As she lay on her death bed, she asked the nurse to “bring me my chiffon hanky, bring me my wig” and she did bits from her act until she took her last breath. Thousands of mourners attended her funeral at Emanuel Synagogue Cemetery in Wethersfield, Connecticut. Known as the “Last of the Red-Hot Mamas,” Sophie’s act inspired later female performers such as Mae West and Bette Midler.

For entertaining audiences around the world for sixty years and giving generously to others, we honor Sophie Tucker as this week’s Thursday Hero.

Accidental Talmudist

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brave-clarice · 3 years

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“Clarice” Liveblog: Episode 1

Here are my extremely unfashionably late takes! They’re long, so strap in if you want.

okay, I genuinely thought the scenes in Gumb’s basement were ripped from the film for a second. extremely well done.

I both appreciate that they’re acknowledging the Bureau-mandated psych eval Clarice would have to go through (not sure she’d have to have another one a year later?)...

...but I sure wish they hadn’t chosen to open this show in a therapy-like session. it’s going to be subject to enough NBC comparisons as it is.

gosh, Rebecca Breeds is so pretty, and in the same almost, idk, elfin kind of way Jodie Foster is.

“Bride of Frankenstein”! a novel reference! and a Hannibal Lecter reference even though they can’t use his name! I’m excited

I was afraid of this part, though--everyone’s going to call her “Clarice” aren’t they?

it’s very significant that in the books, Hannibal is virtually alone in using her first name to address her; even Ardelia calls her “Starling.” but of course this series chose “Clarice” as its title, so...

“the checkout lady at the Safeway asked me to autograph a melon” omg

so Clarice has supposedly been “mandated” to see an FBI therapist for an entire year? hmm.

tbh, this feels kind of like a proxy for Hannibal’s scenes in the movie, especially with the therapist calling her “Clarice.” not sure if I dig it.

“...given that your last therapist was an inmate” Hannibal reference #2!

they’re explicitly talking about Hannibal without being able to name him and it’s hilarious, frustrating, and immensely satisfying all at once.

there’s no way to avoid talking about him altogether without being disingenuous to Clarice’s eventual character arc, so I’m glad they’re ripping off the band-aid early

“you let that relationship be intimate” Yeah, Clarice and Hannibal’s relationship IS intimate and YOU! SHOULD! SAY IT!!!

it’s kind of ridiculous for this guy/the show not to acknowledge that little trainee Clarice was sent to see Hannibal by someone who should’ve known better. That Crawford was doing it with the intention to save lives doesn’t mean he didn’t use the shit out of Clarice.

that’s not to take away her agency or minimize the choices she made after she met Hannibal. She wouldn’t have been in a position to make those choices if Crawford hadn’t arranged it, though.

even if they don’t have the rights to Crawford’s name, either (I have to assume that’s the case) couldn’t they at least mention this??

“hasn’t seen her own family in years” Are they actually going to address Clarice’s maybe-dead-maybe-not mother (depending on the canon they adopt, book or film) and possible siblings??? Please tell me they are!

Clarice’s “egregious” PTSD doesn’t have much to do with Buffalo Bill ofc, and this therapist seems to be making excuses to be the first in a long line of men getting in the way of Clarice’s career goals...

...which she recognizes and confronts him about. Call him out!!!

*Anthony Hopkins voice* That’s my girl.

the way she’s been written in this scene gives me a lot of hope going forward! she’s funny, she doesn’t take any sexist bullshit, she’s calm and polite but you get a glimpse of the rage underneath.

wow, they promoted Senator Martin to Attorney General!

the opening credits (if you can even call them that) are a let-down, though

she has her beads!

can anyone who’s not Hannibal please stop calling her Clarice

wonder if they’re going to touch on any of the extreme tension that existed between Senator Martin and Clarice in the novel? they didn’t interact in the movie, but in the book, Martin is under intense stress, and it doesn’t go smoothly.

of course in “Hannibal,” Martin invites her to “ride horses,” so they obviously reconciled after Catherine’s rescue and kept in some kind of touch.

and speak of the devil: horses! (and Catherine)

“I can’t have a reputation, I’ve only done it once” Thank you for being the voice of reason, Clarice.

“Paul Krendler” *ugly screaming commences*

“you don’t have any people, Clarice” Aaand that’s the plot of the Hannibal novel!

looks like they even gave her the ring Jodie’s Clarice wears!

oh yeah, this Krendler looks like a sumbitch if I ever saw one. No one will ever be as perfectly cast as the dude in Silence imo, but a much better fit than Ray Liotta.

“small carat, but it’s a sweet ring” A very in-character observation probably directly informed by her comments about nail polish in Silence.

she mentions this victim’s nail polish (!) being “tasteful,” and I shrieked a little again.

I understand it’s necessary for Krendler to be a douche, but there’s not even going to be any payoff for the audience (or Clarice) when Hannibal eats him, so boo.

wait...wait, why aren’t Clarice and Ardelia in their Alexandria duplex? They’re not just best friends, they’re roommates! For the entire seven-year story! GIVE ME THE DUPLEX!!!

BUT points for Ardelia bringing Clarice a treat, since she was always leaving her candy bars in the Silence book!

Clarice interacting with the washer/dryer is a nice nod to the books, too.

speaking of... “What did we learn in the laundry room back at Quantico?” For some reason this line made me actually cry, I guess because this whole episode has been such a love letter to something I love so dearly, and it’s making me emotional.

FIRST PRINCIPLES!

DESPERATELY RANDOM!!!

wow, the men in Clarice’s new office giving her lotion as a hazing “welcome” gift is awful, and now I’m just mad (which is the point of the scene ofc).

so this ex-military OC is the John Brigham stand-in, I take it?

if that means John Brigham won’t be here, No Thanks.

Clarice telling him she’ll drive...a tribute to Dana “Why Do You Always Have to Drive?” Scully, perhaps (who was herself inspired by Clarice) as well as a nod to Clarice’s love of cars?

“Why do they call you the bride of Frankenstein?” Sorry, I don’t have the legal rights to tell you about my last intimate relationship.

“Already on my way to West Virginia Granny Witch” Look, this show could crash and burn from this scene on, and it would still have been worth it just for these first 25 minutes.

I like that Clarice is shown wanting to help people, and the scene of her with the baby is a nice call-back to the eventual shoot-out at the beginning of “Hannibal”...but I hope they don’t try to domesticate her too much. Clarice needs her hard edges. To be tough (reasonably so)--a cub growing into its big cat’s claws.

also, somehow I doubt that Miss Valedictorian spent her six years in the Lutheran home “changing a lot of diapers,” but sure, okay. If her siblings are alive in this, she might have changed their diapers!

even though Krendler’s a real dickwad so far, he’s not slimy enough for me. Needs more grease.

“I got a call from your therapist who’s concerned that you might genuinely flip out” I really do not like this subplot Sam-I-Am. Aren’t the huge glass ceiling/Boys’ Club obstacles enough?

seriously, though, I know Hannibal tells her that the metaphorical lambs will come back--at the end of Silence, though, she’s at some kind of temporary peace, not in danger of “flipping out” any time soon.

if Esquivel really is our Brigham stand-in, I’ve got...problems with that. He was Clarice’s teacher and became her friend, not some Krendler double-agent. (Also worried they’re setting him up as a love interest for her which...eesh, no thanks.)

and sorry, I actually hate that Catherine kept Precious the dog in this.

I have no problem with Catherine being a character, or with her interacting with Clarice...that said, I don’t know if her being shown as severely traumatized and reaching out to Clarice as a form of emotional lifeline is...a good idea?

I understand the symbolism of Catherine’s smashed mirror, but...smashed mirrors are already a Thing in this series (albeit not Clarice’s chapter in it), and that’s all I can think of here.

Catherine’s a victim of unthinkable trauma. Nevertheless...she’s talking to the woman who saved her life. Who risked death to do it. I just don’t like the way this scene is written. Apparently, in this show’s canon, Catherine hasn’t gotten the help she needs. But Clarice isn’t her therapist, and it’s upsetting to have Catherine being all “I’ll never be safe and neither will you.”

how does Catherine remember “the mannequins, the autopsy table”?? And why is she throwing them in Clarice’s face?

I’m going to stop talking about this scene now because it’s making me angry and a little upset, which is maybe the point? I just don’t think it’s written well. If Catherine’s going to be a recurring character, I hope she’s shown getting professional, medical help.

Clarice finding the victim’s papers in the box of pads is a direct callback to her finding the photos in the jewelry box in Silence. Nice.

let’s agree that Hannibal and Crawford are both in Ardelia’s (too-cutesy-for-me) book

another nice little X-Files homage?

I have some qualms about that big climax, but...meh. It was capital-F Fine.

Yikes, this is a full week late. Thanks for reading this entirely-too-long post through to the end, if you’re still here!

To sum up my thoughts...

The Good:

the visual connections to the Silence film (that green coat/blue knit scarf combo in particular)

Rebecca Breeds’ performance overall so far

Clarice’s strong writing/characterization

her sense of humor and her inclination to call out bullshit

maybe it was just me, but I also got a sense of Hannibal’s influence on her in some of her dialogue--her blunt observations--and I love it

Ardelia Mapp

the repeated in-your-face references to Hannibal Lecter

the respectful, non-exploitative way the victims were treated by the narrative.

let’s just say, not all Harris-inspired shows managed to do this. :)

the many, many allusions to the novel

“you let that relationship be INTIMATE” !!!

The Bad:

the near-constant implication that all Clarice’s trauma stems from her experiences in Gumb’s basement

I just don’t understand this one...it’s not supported by the text imo

the “Clarice-is-a-psychological-loose-canon” subplot

almost everyone calling her “Clarice”

NO DUPLEX IN ALEXANDRIA! Boo!

Esquivel maybe replacing Brigham

the narrative choices they’ve made surrounding Catherine so far.

Seriously: please let Catherine seek/get help instead of screaming “HELP ME” at Clarice, who after all risked her own life to save Catherine’s, over the phone.

The Ugly: Paul Krendler, lol. Confession time: I also don’t care for the way they’ve styled her hair. Not sure why it bugs me, it just...does.

Overall, I’m thrilled to death with this. I was so afraid it would be disappointing, so even if it’s not a five-star episode (and pilots rarely are), it’s a great beginning! It’s beyond amazing to see our girl on the screen again. Just this hour-long episode did her character way more justice than the entire Hannibal film. Despite its shortcomings, it’s such a loving homage to characters and a story that mean a lot to me, and I love it just for that.

Going forward, I’d like to see more of Clarice as a person. Her hobbies and interests--cars, sharpshooting, running, fashion magazines stuffed under her bed, horseback riding, her total inability to cook...anything would do. I of course want to see more of her with Ardelia. I want to hear more about her backstory and find out which version of it (truly orphaned when her father dies or sent away by her mother) they’ll choose to explore. And while we all agree that this show is about Clarice and she don’t need no man, I won’t lie: I’d gobble up more sly references to Hannibal. He’s her endgame, after all.

I’d also like to really see the warrior underneath. There are flashes of her in the last twenty minutes of this episode. But Clarice Starling is a big cat, she’s a warrior, she’s between iron and silver. I’d hate for her to spend most of this show doe-eyed and traumatized. I want her to be ferocious, to see the woman who’s a match for the monster.

Krendler needs to get nastier. He should make us feel like we need to shower. In the novels, he wants to use Clarice--only for her body. And when she won’t allow him to, he takes his revenge. That’s what makes him so particularly awful. Let’s amp him up here.

And finally...maybe I’ll appreciate Catherine’s scene more on a second watch. Maybe I’m not being sensitive enough to her trauma, her struggles. But I didn’t like the way that scene was staged or scripted, and I didn’t like the suggestion that she just hasn’t gotten help after a year and is subsequently taking her pain out on Clarice on some level. I hope future episodes handle this subplot, and her character, a bit better.

Please let me know if you guys would like me to do another of these monstrosities for the next episode. (I promise it won’t take me an entire week this time!) And thank you again for reading!!!

#Clarice Starling #clarice #cbs clarice #rebecca breeds #media [cbs show]#char [clarice starling]#I'm sorry again about how amazingly late this is heh #you've probably all watched and processed by now and have moved on to Episode 2 but I am slow

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give-seconds · 4 years

Text

Back to You

Summary: You and Mark are all each other have, he’s easily the most important person to you. But something happens and you both are slowly separated, so you work your hardest to be accepted into a college in Korea so you can find your way back to a home with him again.

Masterlist | Main Masterlist

I just want to say thank you to anyone reading, I feel so lucky to have you all.

---Part 7

“Jaemin you are not going to believe what happened,” you say, sliding into the seat across from him in the library.

“What?” He asks, smiling as he looks up from his book.

“I found him.”

“Hm?” he hums. “Found who?”

“My friend from Canada, the one I told you about. The guy I came to Korea for.”

“Oh.” He closes his book, leaning back in his chair. “How was it? Was it how you thought it would be?”

You nod your head, feeling your smile grow wider as you think of the meeting. “He remembered me. He said he was happy to see me, that he missed me. I was so scared Jaemin, so scared.”

“Well I’m glad it went well, you were silly to think he wouldn’t want to see you.”

You nod your head, smiling down at your hands. “That’s what Donghyuck said.”

“Oh?” He leans forward, leaning his elbows on the table. “Is that the cute boy who showed you around town?”

“Not this again. You have problems, my friend.”

He laughs, smiling brightly. “It’s just my personality, take it or leave it.”

“Is leaving even an option?”

“Ha ha very funny. You wouldn’t last a day without me.”

“Try me.”

----

“So how’d it go?”

Falling back onto his bed, Mark lets the phone rest next to his head. “It went really well, how did you even get that setup?”

“I met her in a coffee shop, she was there at like five in the morning. I didn’t know who she was at first, something just felt familiar. So me being the person I am, sat across from her, and started a conversation. She told me she was from Canada and towards the end of the conversation I guess it just clicked.”

Mark nods his head, feeling a smile spread across his face. “Can you believe she did this? I mean she’s attending school in a foreign country, and it’s all for me.”

Mark chuckles slightly as his brother’s laugh filters through the speaker. “I think you just have that effect on people. Yuta has met you, what, once or twice and he’s ready to kill for you.”

He snorts, rolling onto his stomach and hugging his pillow. “I mean I was going to go back for her, but she actually made it happen. I was too scared to ask mom and dad to go back to Canada. And here she is, braving a whole new language and culture.”

“Are you,” Johnny hesitates. “Are you going to tell them she’s here?”

Mark sighs. He’s been thinking about this ever since he got home from touring the city with you and Donghyuck. He knows his parents didn’t like you, they made it painfully obvious after he had moved to Korea. And while they might not have the typical bond a parent and child have, he is very grateful for all that they have done for him. Lying just feels wrong.

“What do you think I should do?”

His brother sighs. “I don’t know man, I’ve never had a sister my parents dislike. But I mean how bad can it go if you do tell them? Y/n is a grown woman who is here on her own, it’s not like they can really do anything.”

“That’s true. But I mean, won’t it be too harsh?” Harsh in the fact that he would be reminding them that he loves someone else more than he loves them. “Like… yeah.”

“I think they love you, and if you say she’s important to you then they’ll slowly learn to accept that.”

“Oh, that’s a good idea. Or, and get this, I ignore it until the last second. Equally good idea if you ask me.”

His brother laughs, and Mark can see him shaking his head. “Whatever floats your boat, dude.”

“You know she was worried I wouldn’t want to see her,” Mark says, changing the subject. “I mean I think that’s another reason I didn’t try going back to Canada, I was worried she wouldn’t want to see me.”

“Why is that?”

“Because I was a jerk to her. A few months before the police came, I’d been ignoring her to the best of my abilities. And when she was put into foster care, I tried harder but not as hard as I should have.” He sighs, closing his eyes as the memories come back. He really is a horrible brother. “She had it way harder than I did, and I had the nerve to be more concerned about myself.”

“Minhyung, there’s nothing wrong with that reaction. You had just found out that your entire life was a lie, how else were you supposed to act?”

“But the same could be said for her, I mean it was her own father. I was all she had, and I let her down.”

“But she’s here. I can tell you she certainly isn’t here for me, judging by the fact she basically ran as soon as she realized it was me.”

Mark furrows his eyebrows, looking over to the phone laying on his left. “I mean I know you guys weren’t BFFs, but why would she run away from you?”

There’s a short pause before Johnny sighs. “I said some pretty harsh things to her before we left, I regretted it as soon as we got here. It was a stupid, immature moment.”

“What did you say?” Mark asks, pushing himself up to sit against his headboard.

“I don’t know, I-” He sighs again. “I said something about how you’re not her brother, how she’s bad for you. That no matter what, she was going to be cut off from you.”

Mark never really liked talking about you to anyone, and when he did he always called you a friend from Canada. But hearing someone who knew how much you meant to him, someone who had heard him crying one night because he missed you so much, admit to threatening you. To say he felt betrayed is an understatement.

“Did you apologize?”

“Of course I did, setting up the meeting with you two was my apology. And she said she forgave me, she texted me today saying that. She said she wants to start over.” He pauses, taking in a breath. “I really am sorry, Minhyung. Not that it excuses what I said, but I think I was just jealous. Jealousy is an ugly thing.”

Mark doesn’t hear his brother nervous very often, a person like Johnny doesn't get nervous, so hearing him nervously rush his sentences is surprising.

“It is what it is I guess. Did she really forgive you?”

“Yeah, I can send you the screenshots if you want. What do you want me to do to make it up to her? I don’t want you to be mad at me Minhyung.”

“I’m not mad.” Is his immediate response. He sighs, running a hand through his hair.

He hasn’t felt this in a long time, the overprotective feeling you get for a sibling. It’s something that used to suffocate him, something he wished more than anything he didn’t feel. It’s why he tried to push you away. If you can’t stop the feeling, stop putting yourself in situations to feel said feeling.

“You didn’t mean it, did you? I mean I know mom and dad stopped sending the letters, but you didn’t have anything to do with that did you?”

“No,” Johnny replies immediately. “I didn’t know until they told me months later. Everything else I said, I didn’t mean either. It all came from a place of hurt. I’m not trying to justify myself, but it was hard for me to see my younger brother happier with a stranger than with me. And I know now that that isn’t anyone's fault but Matthews. But I didn’t know it then. I unfairly blamed her and you have to believe me when I say I am truly sorry.”

And there it is, the truth he’s been hiding from. It’s his fault you went through so much.

Because he was scared, because he relied on you too much, you got hurt. It’s been like that your entire life, with your dad and his family alike. He turned a blind eye as his parents made subtle comments, reminding you you were in no way a part of his “family.” All because he was trying to kill that stupid protectiveness.

His therapist had told him it wasn’t his job to look after you, that you were your own person, and could look after yourself. How ridiculous is that? Yes, he wanted to stop. But hearing it from someone else - someone who didn’t know that even though he was trying to stop, he couldn’t - was wrong. His entire life, he had been looking after you, making sure weren’t hurt too badly. And now he’s just supposed to stop because he has better, more responsible adults in his life? You two were by far the most mature ones in the room.

“Mom and dad probably don’t see it like that, huh?”

His brother sighs. “Probably not. But like I said, they love you. So if you tell them she is important, I think they will learn to be okay with her. That’s what happened with me after all.”

He nods his head, letting a few seconds of silence pass. “Well you should get some rest, I’m sure you’re tired. I’ll talk to you later?”

“Yeah, yeah of course.” He mumbles dejectedly.

“Alright, good night Hyung. I love you.” They don’t normally say “I love you” to each other when they end a phone call, but it feels important to say now.

“Good night, love you too.”

And with that, the line goes dead.

Mark shakes his hair with his hand, groaning. Why does life have to be so hard?

Grabbing his phone, he goes to his text conversation with Donghyuck, clicking the last photo sent to him.

It’s a photo of you and him in front of some book store. It had been awkward for him to ask, he never asks to have photos taken of himself. Donghyuck’s comment of “why don’t you ever ask to get photos taken with me?” hadn’t helped his confidence either. But thankfully, you agreed as soon as he asked. And after some more complaints, Donghyuck had taken the photo.

The photo was worth the added drama created by both him and Donghyuck. Because now, he has something to remember you with. Sure, he has the letters you sent. But those were tainted with the stress and sadness from his parents, hidden away in the bottom of his middle desk drawer.

This was only happiness.

Smiling at the photo, he saves it to his phone before opening his conversation with you. He’s going to make it up to you, going to make sure you don’t regret coming back for him.

You should come to mine and Donghyuk’s performance on Monday. Afterwards I’ll buy you dinner

---

Thank you so much to @staymoarmyzen for proofreading and making me feel better about this chapter. I fought off writers block to get this out, so I hope it isn't too over the place. I would love to know what you guys think! Have a wonderful day/night!!

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#nct mark #nct haechan #nct imagines #NCT #haechan x reader #mark lee x reader #nct scenarios #nct johnny #lee donghyuck #mark lee #johnny seo #kpop #kpop imagines #kpop scenarios

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faustrinus · 3 years

Text

Non Magical AU, Poet!Remus and Musician!Sirius

Part two! :D

· Sirius spent five hours trying to write the perfect letter. His hand was getting tired, two pens had already stopped working, and tons of not achieved attempts were laying on the floor, making a mess. James had left Sirius alone after the first two hours, not before shouting, “You’re not marrying him yet, calm down!” which made Sirius blush madly at the simple thought of marriage. Definitely too much.

· When he finally had in his hands what he considered the perfect letter he sighed contentedly, admiring his hard work. He did everything he could to make it look good, but like I just happen to be able to write perfectly and express my thoughts without any problem good. He wanted Werewolf to know he cared enough to write a good and thoughtful letter, but he didn’t spend half a lifetime doing it. He couldn’t look that desperate, could he?

· Luckily, after having one of the fanciest educations you could have thanks to his mother (not that she cared, she didn’t, she just wanted Sirius to be good at everything, that was a bare minimum stablished in the house) Sirius was one of these people that had an extremely clear and pretty way of writing. At one time in his life he even wondered in he could charge people to write their letters for them (but decided it wasn’t a good idea after learning that some people exchange some… not so family-friendly letters between each other, specially lovers).

· Well, he found a pretty envelope (that smelled old, and he guessed the poet kind of enjoyed that vibe) and grabbed his keys to go and deliver the letter.

· The whole time he was nervous, and when he came home that night, he couldn’t stop touching his newest tattoo. The guy who wrote what he had in his skin was sending letters to know, he knew. And he liked The Marauders music. He couldn’t stop thinking about, and it took both James and Peter to get him out of his fantasies.

· Okay, Remus. If he was being honest- he was totally overwhelmed by the whole situation. Not only THE Sirius Black had a tattoo of one of his poems, but he also took time from his own performance to talk how much he liked what Remus did in general. And now Remus was waiting for a letter from a hot Rockstar, nothing to be scared of, right?

· He told himself he wouldn’t panic, but when the letter arrived the next day he was pacing around and twisting the envelope carefully, he didn’t want to ruin it. It smelled so nice, like the old books that were collecting dust under his bed.

· When he started reading the letter, his legs threatened to give up, but he took a deep breath and keep reading. Could someone blame him if he was obsessed with Sirius’s calligraphy? It was so beautiful and elegant, so different from Remus’s, that was always messy and with weird shapes. He couldn’t help it- his hands trembled a lot and his pulse wasn’t the best to keep things organized. But it was understandable, and he was okay with it.

· Returning to the letter, right. Remus touched the paper so many times to make sure it was real, searching for any sign hiding behind a dot that Sirius didn’t want to keep messaging him. There wasn’t one, in fact, Sirius ended the letter with a cordial, “I do find myself looking forward to maybe, in one near possibility, keep sending you these letters. I admire you a lot, and getting to know you would be one of the greatest to receive in this life time.” For a Rockstar, he wrote like he was the protagonist of book that ended up with him and his lover being together after defeating all odds. Quite… romantic. And dramatic, Sirius was dramatic.

· Remus ignored his thoughts and read again just to be certain of what he knew now. Sirius wanted to keep in touch, he absolutely loved Remus poems, he didn’t regret at all his tattoo (and he also begged Remus to forgive him in case he found it uncomfortable) and in general he was happy Remus attended the performance. Remus was happy too.

· The following days more letters were exchanged, every single one of them becoming more and more intimate. At first, they didn’t know what to write about- Remus would send poems and thoughts about them, explaining to Sirius his creating process (that he thought it was really boring even though Sirius told him he liked it) and some topics he liked to write about. Sirius sent back some lyrics he had wrote and particularly enjoyed, sometimes mentioning the anecdotes they had behind them. Remus would laugh every time he did this, because, God, Sirius did some stupid and amazing things. There was this one lyric that said (and Remus loved) “And I hope whoever is above forgives me for loving an angel that fell down” and Sirius explained that even when that lyric was quite “deep” he wrote it after seeing a cheap angel statue in a store nearby and then laughing at James who fell down at the entry of the store. Remus loved the lyric even more after the explanation.

· Finally, after three whole weeks of sending letters to each other every day, Remus took all the courage he could and ended his most recent letter with “You can call me Remus, Sirius. That’s my name, and I think is more comfortable than having to refer to me as Werewolf. Still wonder why I chose that nickname.”

· When Sirius read that he literally fell down the couch, eyes wide opened. “James, he told me his name! his real name! he practically revealed his identity to me!” “You two are quite close now, aren’t you? Why don’t you ask him to meet up with someday? You could suggest it. C’mon, I want to know if the guy you are in love with is as handsome as I am- “ “I’m not in love with him- “ “Okay. But you’ll be if he keeps sending you letters that make you smile as big as you’re doing right now. Stop, is scary.” “Shut up.”

· Sirius thought a lot about what James said (when he said a lot, he meant he meditated for like ten minutes and decided it wasn’t that crazy) and wrote down in the next letter, it was shorter than the others he had sent. He was writing the usual, grasping for air just to put in the end, “Remus, I know you feel more comfortable hiding your identity, and I’m happy you decided to tell me your real name. But I was thinking… is just a suggestion, but maybe one day we can get some coffee together? We don’t need to go out in public, but there are some pretty nice and calm places to hang out around here. No one would disturb us if you interested. Think about it.”

· Remus screamed. He was too new to this interest that the vocalist of The Marauders had in him, but he didn’t despise it, he… okay, maybe he was dying to get a date with Sirius, and maybe he had a possibility, but his reflection in the mirror told him otherwise. He was used to look half-dead (he was sure he had broken all the bones in his body at least once, and he got sick quite often), but it was still discouraging to see his lanky figure and think that maybe that wasn’t was Sirius was waiting for.

· Yet, he couldn’t reject the offer by saying “No, I’m sorry, I’m ugly,” (even though he was the only one that thought that), so he nodded to himself and wrote a new letter. A positive answer to what Sirius was asking, he was still unsure on how he could improve the way he looked in some days (or hours, if he had magic or something), but with some effort maybe Sirius would ignore his image.

· Days passed by and Friday came, the day when Sirius and Remus would finally meet in person, or well, Sirius would meet Remus in person. Sirius tried to dress casually, enough to look good but also in a way people wouldn’t think, yeah, that is a Rockstar. He didn’t want anything disturbing the day. He even sent James and Peter to a friend’s house (poor Mary) so in case everything went wrong he could come back to an empty house and he could cry about it and then eat the chocolate cake James brought the other day.

· Remus decided to totally ignore his mirror after fixing his hair a little bit. The more he looked at himself the more self-conscious he would get, and he wasn’t ready to get his day ruined by snarky comments coming out of his own brain. He looked good, he was ready and the day would be awesome.

· Sirius arrived first. He sat down and started tapping the table with his fingers, nervousness taking over him. He had sent the exact address and even the number of the table they would at (and that was important because Sirius chose one that was hiding behind some curtains, and it offered privacy), but he was worried Remus wouldn’t find him.

· A few minutes passed and when he was ready to order a glass of water to entertain himself, someone coughed softly to gain his attention. When he looked up, he was certain that he had forgotten how to talk, because who is this tall and handsome man and why is he sitting right in front of me. That was Remus? He was certainly a lot taller than Sirius expected him to be, and he had scar going across his face. Sirius noticed he also had tons of little ones in his hands, and maybe what he was thinking wasn’t the purest thing on earth, but Remus scars were hot. He was hot. You don’t arrive at a cafe to find that the Poet you have been reading non stop for some time was extremely attractive every day.

· Remus coughed again and Sirius tried to act normal, smiling at him. They were both sitting in front of each other, Remus cracking his knuckles and Sirius still staring at him. Remus was trying not to stare back because this was the first time, he was so close to the vocalist, and he knew he would blush if he did.

· But his mental plan failed when Sirius commented, without any trace of shame, “I like your eyes. They’re pretty,” and Remus melted right there. He laughed out of nervousness and Sirius followed with him, both giggling. “Thanks, I… I’m sorry. Is just that I wasn’t expecting that.” “Is fine. I blurted it out, sorry. I should have asked if you were Remus first, but now that think of it, that would have been stupid since you came directly to this table. And only you knew I was sitting here.”

· After a few more giggles, they ordered what was tempting at the moment (Sirius recommending the best pastries) and started talking a little more comfortably. Remus spoke the most (surprising to even him) and Sirius listened, nodding from time to time. After mumbling a lot of things at the beginning, Sirius showed he was as nervous as Remus was, maybe even more.

· They spoke about everything they could, laughing between stories and taking breaks to change the subject and then come back. They even had to remind themselves to eat because talking was so fun, they forgot the food was waiting for them. Maybe the coffee wasn’t hot, but it was fine. More than fine, the coffee was excellent when the company was making it better.

· Hours passed and they didn’t notice. By the end of the conversation about school and friends, a waitress came to tell them they were going to close. Sirius was startled, how much time had passed? They divided the bill in equal parts (even though Sirius insisted he wanted to pay) and got out of the cafe. Outside was cold and cloudy, and Sirius blushed when he noticed the first thing he thought about was Remus looks cute with his face all red thanks to the cold.

· They both stood outside for some minutes, until Remus spoke, his face hiding behind the scarf he was wearing, “Would you… like to do this again? Because I certainly would.”

· Sirius nodded so fast that Remus laughed loudly, his smile making his freckles shine a little bit and Sirius felt his heart beat a little faster. He didn’t have a type before? Well now he certainly did. And it was Remus.

· “Maybe… Are you free on Wednesday? You could come over to my house. Well, the one I share with James and Peter. You could help me write some lyrics. I’m… a little bit blocked. If you could say it like that, and having you writing lyrics for the group would be amazing.” “I would like that, yes. Would you send me the address?” “Sure! It will be in the next letter.” “Great.”

· They shared a weird but not uncomfortable silence until Remus whispered “Fuck it” and kissed Sirius on the cheek, quickly turning around and walking to his home, “Good night, Sirius.”

· Sirius face went red as it could go, and he only mumbled “Good night, Remus,” when Remus was already a few steps ahead. If the boy had enough courage, he did too, so he wiped his sweaty hands in his jeans and shouted, “Can the next one be on the lips?”

· Remus blushed and laughed loud enough for Siris to hear. He nodded to himself, and he swore he heard Sirius go “Yes! I won, fuckers!” behind him.

None of them could wait until Wednesday.

#wolfstar #WOLFSTAR FLUFF #Wolfstar fanfiction #wolfstarfanfic #Remus Lupin #RemusLupin #Sirius Black #siriusblack #jamespotter #peter pettigrew #themarauders #Harry Potter #HarryPotter #harry potter fanfic #harry potter fanfiction

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kuratoki · 4 years

Text

Changes 13

Do you agree that things change in time? Well four years abroad would tell wouldn’t it?

Changes Masterlist

Pairing: Reader x Jeno ft. NCT`

Words: 2494

Warning: Swearing

“Hey Y/N, do you know a guy by the name of Park Jisung by chance?” Chan asked out of the blue as the four of you were at one of Soonyoungs favorite restaurants.

You were glad that Soonyoung and Chan seemed to take a liking to Jeno who they accepted as one of their own when they got to know him and his past. It seemed that Soonyoung had taken a big liking to him because in the end, it was Soonyoung sitting next to Jeno and not you. It was fine though because in reality, you were a bit closer to Chan since you were closer in age and he had helped you during your training camp when you still weren’t fully recovered.

You raised your eyebrows at your best friends name while Jeno’s ears perked in curiosity. Why would anyone be asking about Jisung?

“He’s one of my best friends.” you answered after you swallowed, “We met at summer camp after my first year abroad and he’s the only other partner I’ve had that wasn’t Renjun.”

“Ah, the one Xander told the group chat about that dropped you on your face. The bruise on your cheek looked nasssty dude.” Soonyoung said, cringing.

“What? He dropped you?” Chan asked, eyes wide, “Why didn’t I know this?”

“Xander only told the leadership group chat. Apparently this Jisung kid was flipping her and she got dropped on her face during rehearsal for their summer camp dance competition.” Soonyoung explained, “This is why I still ship RenY/N as my ultimate partner OTP.”

“Renjun rarely lifts me though.” you stated, “And if he does, he can’t hold it for long. This is why I can’t compete with him on a partner level.”

“I think you two would do fine.” Soonyoung commented pointing his chopsticks for emphasis, “You guys managed to choreo ‘Rewrite the Stars’ in eight hours which was a feat in itself but the fact that it was almost perfect is something else. It’s the main reason why I wanted to ask you to dinner tonight and it’s just convenient that Jeno’s with you and that you actually know Jisung. Makes my job a lot easier.”

“Your job easier?” you and Jeno asked at the same time and Soonyoung nodded, taking out two envelopes and handing it to each of you.

“You guys don’t have to answer yet obviously, but I need an answer by next semester so we can start the preparations, especially for you Jeno.” Soonyoung said as you both opened the envelopes, you already had a suspicion as to what it was but it was the contents inside that made tears well up in your eyes when you saw who the letter of recommendation was from.

For Jeno it was different, he had two letters. One was a letter of recommendation for Chan and an official offer letter from the Selects Foreign Division signed by the owner of the Selects Academy herself along with Soonyoung and Jongins signature as witnesses. He was too absorbed in reading the letters that he wasn’t even paying attention to how you were reacting to yours.

After you finished reading the letter, you felt as if your heart was going to burst, “When did he even write this?” you asked seeing that it was dated only days before your departure.

“He gave it to me when I went to visit him a few weeks ago...Jongin has something else as well but we wanted to be the ones who gave this to you…”Chan muttered from beside you, “He really did believe in you, you know.”

Feeling the tears spill, you stood up catching Jeno off guard and he looked up from his letters to see you running out of the restaurant. Before he could react, Chan had gotten up to chase after you and from the restaurant window, he and Soonyoung saw Chan wrap you in an embrace as you broke down. Not the silent crying Jeno had seen from you in the last few days, but actually full blown sobbing.

His heart ached seeing you in that state. He could see you shaking in Chans arms as you sobbed and Chan was running a comforting hand through your hair, whispering things in your ear in an attempt of comfort. He turned to Soonyoung when he heard him sigh and he too was watching you and Chan outside the restaurant with a pained look on his face.

“Xander wrote the letter didn’t he.” Jeno said, asking Soonyoung for confirmation and the latter nodded.

“He had it for a long time now…” Soonyoung said and turned to Jeno slightly surprised, “Did she tell you about him?”

Jeno nodded, “She said he was the glue that held everyone together. Sounds like he was a true leader.”

“He was...He knew Y/N and Renjun before any of us met them but he always talked about them everyday after classes. Their talent, how they always seemed to butt heads but when the music started it was like they were floating on water. He knew after their first year that they’d be a perfect addition to the Selects. We all knew from his texts that he may have liked Y/N as more than a friend and we thought they’d end up together before we even met her…” Soonyoung started remembering all the times Xander would tell the group chat that he found the perfect duo to join the Senior ranks, “But after summer passed and we all met up, the way he talked about her was like how an older brother would talk about a sibling. We knew that he took Yuwen under his wing at the request of Yukhei who he considered a brother at the time but after Y/N was casted, things changed drastically.”

“Cause she got into the accident and didn’t tell him that it was Yukhei who caused it” Jeno commented and Soonyoung nodded, “Yukhei goes to SMAA, we’re in the same dance club...they had a blow up last night after they found out about Xander. That’s why we’re here, she wanted to get away and I wanted to be there for her.”

“And I now understand why she held out all those years.” Soonyoung said putting his hand on Jenos, giving him one of his bright smiles, “You really do care about her don’t you.”

“Of course…” Jeno stated, “She’s the reason I worked so hard for Nationals last year...I actually thought I wouldn’t see her again.”

“Then it was fate.” Soonyoung said, “Listen, about the offer. Don’t feel rushed okay?”

“How is this possible if I didn’t even do a Semester abroad?” Jeno asked the first question on his mind.

“You’d be in Chan’s boat since you’ve won a National title, plus his Letter of Recommendation was an added buffer.” Soonyoung explained, “From pre-lims to Nationals, he followed you through the whole thing and though it’s uncommon, everyone on the Leadership Team thinks you’d be the best suited for the role.”

“And what about Y/N?” Jeno asked, “She just got one letter right?”

“Jongin has her offer letter.” Soonyoung assured, “She was on our radar for a while now and all she has to do is finish this term. I also assume that you know that she’s being casted again right?”

Jeno nodded his head, thinking about how you’d probably have to leave once more. Was he ready to let you go so soon after only getting you back though? “She’s going to have to leave again won’t she…”

“Probably...I’m not sure what Jongins plan is...Junior performance season is his section...Chan and I jump in once training camp starts next semester when we start holding auditions.” Soonyoungs brows furrowed, “Can I actually ask you a question?”

“Of course…” Jeno said and looked outside to see Chan holding your face in his hands as he wiped away your tears and the two of you seemed to be having a conversation.

“Don’t tell Y/N this yet but Xander wrote a letter of recommendation for someone else as well…I was just curious if you knew why.” Soonyoung started.

“Who?” Jeno asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Park Jisung.” Soonyoung said and Jeno froze, “In the letter, it said that he saw great potential in him after one meeting. All he has to do is pass training camp which means a semester abroad. If he passes training camp, then he’ll receive an official offer.”

‘One meeting…’ Jeno thought to himself. When would Jisung have met…his eyes widened, “They must have met when he was taking care of Y/N after she collapsed. We were in the middle of competition season and he booked it after they announced that I would represent the school in Nationals.” he muttered, “We all thought he was upset and no one could find him. Taeyong just told us he had a family emergency but Jisung never talked about it. No one knew where he was but one of our friends who were friends with both of them but she kept tight lipped.”

“That explains a lot. Xander did say he visited her with Mia after he found out what happened..” Soonyoung commented, getting the full picture now, “He was always someone who was easy to open up to. They probably got to know each other in a short period of time since he was with her till they left for summer camp.” he gave Jeno a bright smile, “Okay, then I’ll let Jongin know to accept his application.”

“Wait what?” Jeno asked, astonished, “He sent in an application?”

“Mhm…” Soonyoung said nodding, “I can’t say anymore but thanks for the information.” he then looked up to see you and Chan reentering the restaurant, your eyes slightly puffy but it was clear you were trying to hide it with your fake smile.

Jeno saw through it right away and got up to meet you halfway, gently holding you by the arms, he asked you in a concerned tone, “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” you said giving him the best smile you could muster, “The letter made me emotional and I didn’t ugly cry. Are you guys ready to go?”

“Yea, just let me get the bill.” Jeno said and Soonyoung was quick to get up.

“I said I was treating!” he said quickly following him to the counter making you and Chan chuckle.

“So you’re okay with him taking a leadership role?” Chan asked, looking at Jeno and Soonyoung talking. In reality, the two of you were ready to come inside quite some time ago but the two seemed to be getting along so you took the opportunity to discuss some other things.

“If he wants to then yea of course.” you said, “I don’t think he expected it though judging by the way he looked.”

“I don’t think so either but his skills are too good to miss out on. He’d have to attend the last two weeks of training camp but that's about it. He’d receive credits through the training program anyways so it’s not like he’s missing school.” Chan explained, “And after that, you guys just take a semester off every year to lead training camp and compete at the scheduled events. You know how we do it.”

“I love how we do it. It just shows the strength of the team.” you said knowing of the complex training/practice program the Selects had, “I guess it helps that few of us are based here and can actually meet up.”

“That’s what I look forward to the most.” Chan said with a grin, wrapping an arm around your shoulder looking at Jeno who was still fighting Soonyoung to pay, “you got yourself a good guy. I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks Chan.” you said leaning into his shoulder as you saw Soonyoung successfully tap his card on the card reader after grabbing it from the cashier.

“You guys should come for breakfast tomorrow then, my place isn’t that far from here and then we can pick up whoever you need to from the airport.” you heard Jeno suggest to Soonyoung as they walked back to you.

“Really? You’d do that?” Soonyoung asked with a big smile, “That sounds great.”

“Renjuns coming down anyways and they’re all meeting at my place so yea, it’ll all work out.” Jeno said with a thumbs up.

After everything was settled, the four of your parted ways with the promise of meeting early the next morning. When you got back to the penthouse, Jeno put down the shopping bags on the coffee table before he wrapped his arms around you in an embrace and put his face in your hair as he felt your arms wrap around his waist and you let out a sigh of relief.

“Are you feeling better after you ugly cried?” he asked, muffled and felt you nod.

“He was just so honest about everything in the letter...he told me why he didn’t want me to say goodbye...he said that I was already in good hands and he wasn’t worried about my development.” you said in a whisper, “He said he was proud of who I became in a short period of time...it was just too much.”

“He’s not wrong you know.” Jeno commented, pulling away slightly to look at you, wiping the stray tear, “Now no more crying okay? We have to prepare to be bombarded tomorrow morning. Knowing Jaemin, he’s going to have that awful coffee concoction on his way so he’ll be wired to drive early.”

“Renjun and I are probably going to have to meet with Jongin and Soonyoung privately, are you going to survive being with everyone else for a while? I’m sure Chan will join you too if he isn’t busy.” you asked looking up at him as he leaned down to brush his nose against yours.

“If I must.” he let out a sigh as you giggled, there was something about Jenos presence that made you feel uplifted and you knew that what Xander said in the letter about him was right but you weren’t going to tell him that, “Will you be okay though?”

“Of course.” you reassured, ‘As long as I have you, I’ll always be okay’ you thought to yourself as you leaned up and he met you halfway, brushing his lips against yours. You still couldn’t believe that this was happening but you were glad that you were open with each other, that you didn’t feel the awkwardness but instead butterflies when his lips were on yours.

You weren’t sure where things were going with him yet, but everything from what Xander said in the letter, to receiving Chan and Soonyoungs seal of approval, it was all leading in the right path. You just hoped that you would be able to pull through with what had yet to come.

25 notes · View notes

every1studio · 4 years

Text

REQUESTED: “someone’s hero” [ateez: hongjoong]

genre: ANGST + slight fluff + MENTIONS OF AN END

ficstyle: bulletpoints

request: “ Hi!!! Can I get an angsty hananki disease au for hongjoong?? “ + “ Ur robbing us of a spiderman hongjoong😔💜🥺♥️♥️ “

note: trying to kill 2 birds with one stone here

"Hongjoong! you were almost late for class!” you smacked the arm of your best friend as he collapsed on his desk

Hongjoong was almost late because he was just doing small acts of good deeds

you know, the usual

helping an elderly woman cross the crosswalk

picking up after people as they litter

saving a bank from a band of robbers

the usual

Hongjoong lived another life outside of being your typical high school student and helping others

back in middle school, he got bit by a radioactive spider; giving him the abilities of a spider

he honed his skills for the greater good and perform heroic deeds to help the neighborhood

but he knew he couldn’t juggle being a normal high school

so the only people that knew of his hidden identity are his parents

you nudge at Hongjoong’s elbow as you show him your phone

“our friendly neighborhood hero strikes again. I really wanna know who this guy is..”

Hongjoong smirks at you as he rests his chin on his arm, “what would you say if you got a chance to talk to him?”

you sat up a little straighter, “I would thank him for his services and..”

“and~?” Hongjoong’s ears perked up

“I would ask to see his face.. I mean what if he’s this insanely good looking guy?!”

“he could be insanely ugly too..” he jeered

you slapped him on the arm, “don’t talk about him like that! with that selfless heart and toned body? there’s no way that he’s ugly!”

Hongjoong blushed at your words but you couldn’t know his true identity, nobody could

he ruffles the back of his head before clearing his throat, “so um.. are you gonna go to homecoming?”

you shrugged as you got out your physics textbook, “I don’t know... you know it’s not my thing...”

he dramatically hung his head down as he pouted at you, “it’s our senior year though...”

“I’ll let you know if I change my mind,” you said as you rolled your eyes

Hongjoong didn’t have the courage to ask you out; he was suppose to ask you out a long time ago

it was easier was you two were younger

but the older you two got, the harder it was for him to tell you all the feelings he had pent up inside for you

you could say he’s been in love with you when you two were 5 and finding ladybugs until the sunset

he made a daisy ring for you and announced that when you two are old enough, he’ll buy you a real shiny ring

up until today, he doesn’t know if you liked him back or not

but that fact that you didn’t push him away gave him hope

Hongjoong was a pretty good student so he only had 3 classes; which were all the classes that you had with him

it gave him enough time to spend with you AND go do his heroic deeds

“do you want anything from Starbucks?” Hongjoong gets up to leave for the day

you gave him a smile that he fell in love with, “the usual please~”

“with extra cinnamon on top?” he asked with a smile

“just the way I like it~”

Hongjoong was so giddy he didn’t notice Yunho walking passed him, with a bouquet of flowers behind his back

it was a long day for Hongjoong, he got caught up with a bunch of little hooligans but he made it back to school in time for your last class of the day

everyone was teasing and nudging at you and Yunho

Hongjoong had a bad feeling about it

he stopped someone who was recording the two of you, “what’s going on?”

“oh Yunho asked Y/N out to homecoming in the CUTEST way; they’ve got to hook up!” the girl squealed as she posted the video on her social media

Hongjoong felt like it was hard to breath all of a sudden; he tried clearing his throat but the feeling didn’t go away

he was going to turn away until-

“Joongie!!” it belong to your voice and upon hearing it, it made his chest hurt

“here’s your Starbucks..” he managed to choke up

you took the drink and placed it down

you moved his face so that he was only going to focus on your face, “Joongie... are you okay? what’s wrong?”

Hongjoong pushed through the excruciating pain with a smile, “I’m okay.. I’m just tired, I don’t think I can take you home today..”

you were genuinely concerned for him; he’s always taken care of you, just as you have with him

but you thought maybe some space would be good for him

“please call me when you get the chance...” you looked at him with worried eyes

he pats your hair like he always did but he doesn’t say anything

he made eye contact with Yunho and walked away

there was nothing to hate about Yunho; he was tall, handsome, caring, and just a genuinely good person

would you have changed your mind if he asked you first?

would you have gone with homecoming with him?

would he have had a chance with you?

but was he ready for you to know the truth about him?

all these thoughts made his chest hurts

he laid in bed, coughing and hacking up petals

daisy petals, to be exact; which took him back to his proposal to you back when you were kids

homecoming was suppose to be the end of the week

it was announced on the news that their neighborhood hero was nowhere to be seen

Hongjoong’s condition made it hard for him to use any of abilities

he thought that this was a passing sickness that will go away; he did his research on his condition

Hanakaki Disease: where the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from an one-sided love. when the person the victim loves returns the feelings, the condition will be lifted. or can be removed surgically but the feelings the victim has for the beloved will disappear

Hongjoong slouched in his chair when he read articles upon articles about this condition

he couldn’t go through with the surgery; he wanted to love you until the day he died

every time he thinks about you, he coughs up a bouquet of daisy petals

the most he can do with his spidery abilities is use it to clean up the petals in his room

despite of living so close, you two loved to exchange handwritten letter; he kept every single on that you wrote to him and would read it until he fell asleep

he got excused from school for a week; which was probably for the best

he wouldn’t have to seen you with Yunho

he answered your texts and calls but other than that, he wouldn’t let you visit him

told you that he was scared that you would catch what he has

this went on until the night of homecoming

Hongjoong was getting ready for homecoming; it was his senior year after all

you invited him to go with your group; he was your childhood friend and your best friend after all

“you look beautiful..” he murmurs into your ear after you all get into venue

“you don’t look too bad yourself, Hongjoong~” you smirked

but your joking demeanor changed as you grabbed the sleeve of his tuxedo, “I missed you.. I know you were only gone for a week but it felt like more...”

Hongjoong’s chest didn’t feel as heavy as it’s been for the whole week he was at home, “I missed you too..”

“Y/N! you ready?” Yunho put his arm out for you to take, “oh hey Hongjoong, you feeling better?”

Hongjoong had the urge to cough but he held it back, “better than ever”

you slipped away from Hongjoong and linked arms with Yunho

when you walked away with Yunho, Hongjoong excused him to cough

he coughed up petals until he couldn’t breathe and asked himself was it worth it to even go to this dance

everyone in the group danced to the music but Hongjoong couldn’t help but watch the lights dancing off of your face

you looked so beautiful, he could cry

suddenly, the ground started to shake

everyone was stumbling and falling

the earthquake alarms came on

everyone ran to the safety zones

Hongjoong knew that in a case of this kind of panic; he was needed the most

he slipped out of his tuxedo and started to help out anywhere that he could

there was still chaos even though the earthquake subsided

it seemed like only the building that the dance took place at was the only unstable building so evacuating everyone was a better idea than having them hide in the safety zone until authorities came

Hongjoong thought he got everyone out until Yunho came back into the building

“hey man.. I was with my date and I can’t seem to find them.. you gotta go find them! please...”

“you gotta get back outside.. I’ll look for them...”

Hongjoong sprinted, swung at the speed of light trying to find you

he found you trapped in between two slabs of concrete; you were safe but you were unable to get out of it

he shot out webs that moved the slabs out of the way

“oh my gosh... I’m a big fan of yours...” you were in awe that you were standing right in front of the neighborhood hero

“look we gotta go.. it’s not safe here..” he tried to get you out to safety

“wait look this is probably the only time I’ll even get to talk to you like this.. how can I thank you?” you fidgeted; the adrenaline was running in your veins, “could I kiss you?”

Hongjoong wasn’t able to say anything but he lifted his mask off

“Joongie?”

“surprise~ and I insanely handsome like you thought I was” he announced with a sense of sarcastically glum manner

you grabbed his face and kissed him

he was so shock and in that moment, he didn’t know he could breathe so clearly

he wrapped his arm around your waist

it was like time stopped for the two of you, “Joongie, I have sooo many questions..”

“let’s get out of here first..“ he reeled back into reality, “gotta get you back to Yunho..”

you couldn’t say anything to that

he dropped you off at the entrance

there was a moment of blissful silence until the entrance way was crumbling

he pushed you as hard as he could into Yunho’s arm and tried to keep the pillars up

but even at the extraordinary limits of his abilities, Hongjoong couldn’t keep them up

in front of your face, you saw them collapse onto him

your eyes welt up with tears, you tried to run to him as you called his name but Yunho held you back

the authorities came too late

Hongjoong didn’t make it to the hospital

his death was a tragedy; he was known as the infamous neighborhood hero

but he was your childhood friend

and your best friend

and your first love

his mother let you into his room one last time before they were going to move away

the death of their son was too much for them to stay in the same house that they raised him in

the TV was on in his room; there was a bed made of daisy petals

“Kim Hongjoong, senior at KQ High School, died as our friendly neighborhood, hero. he was also known as Spider-Man. the hospital also diagnosed that he was suffering with Hanakaki disease. our hero died with an one-sided love disease..”

you switched off the TV and clenched your heart

you convinced yourself that you didn’t have anything to do with his Hanakaki disease

his mother knocked on the door before entering, “hey there sweetie... Hongjoong told me to give this to you if anything happened to him..”

she gave you a peck on the forehead, “let me know if you need anything..”

the letter was sealed with a spider web

Y/N.. hey.. remember all the letters we wrote each other? I have them all saved up still. I read them when I’m bored.. or when I miss you. if you’re getting this letter, something probably happened to me. and if you’re getting this letter, I probably haven’t told you everything about me. I’m Spider-Man. big surprise! but that’s not the main point of this letter. I was able to make this neighborhood safe but I wasn’t able to confess to you. the scariest thing was, knowing that another guy could make you happier than I could. and all of my efforts would just be a nuisance to you. I just want you to know if that no matter what, I love you. I’m sorry I didn’t keep my promise of proposing to you when we were kids.. childish I know, but that’s what keeps me going everyday. I want you to be the best version of yourself and be the happiest person in the world. Yunho is a great guy and I know that he’s going to treat you well. even if I’m not your hero, I hope someone out there will be..

your tears trickled over the letter

he wasn’t just someone’s hero

he was yours

you loved every part of him; he was your hero before he was anyone else’s hero

but you convinced yourself that you were never going to be good enough for him

but like the wishes he had for you in his letter

your brain convinced your heart that you were going to continue loving Yunho so that you wouldn’t have the Hanakaki disease

you wished that there was more time for him to confess to you

you wished that there was more time for you to confess to him

and now you lost your childhood friend

your best friend

and your first, true love

[ masterlist + guidelines ]

124 notes · View notes

youarewarmth · 4 years

Text

Trying to mend my broken heart

(a very long post that started off as a letter to myself and others; I wasn’t going to post it, but my therapist said I should try, because it might encourage people to do the same if they’re struggling, so here it is)

So... I’ve been thinking if I should it. Do I have a right? I knew nothing of them – of him – until weeks ago. Can I even speak up? I have to let it out. Will I be scrutinized or listened and understood? I hope it’s the latter.

I knew SHINee was a thing, a band. A Korean band. I think my little sister was into them for a brief moment. I saw the band’s name mentioned on Twitter every now and then, but I never really cared. Just another K-Pop product, as they all are.

I fell into YouTube’s rabbit hole, as we all do sometimes, after I suddenly felt like listening to one of the songs I used to like. “Up next: SHINee – Forever or Never”. I thought “hm, what a coincidence!” and hit “play”.

“Wait… How is this the same song… but better?” I was so confused, but also thrilled. I don’t really like music that much. I have a hard time finding stuff that I really like and once I do, I stick to it until I memorize every note. I liked the version of the song. I really, really did, but I wish I never looked at the comments. That’s where it all started. The spiraling.

“R.I.P Kim Jonghyun you'll be forever in our hearts”

“Rest in Peace, my angel, you did well”

No.

My heart dropped. I looked up one phrase after another. I looked up SHINee, I looked up Jonghyun. Countless videos on YouTube. Of their first performances, of them having fun on stage, music videos, talk shows. Videos of Jonghyun breaking down in tears on stage. Videos of Jonghyung talking about the scrutiny, judgement and – again – breaking down in tears, wanting to be understood and accepted. Of his last show and the pain and emptiness in his eyes. Of how he died. Of his letter. Of them performing without him for the first time. Of “From Now On”. Of “Our Page”.

I couldn’t sleep that night. I’ve been sleep deprived ever since, because my thoughts keep racing and bring tears that I can’t contain. And with tears, immense grief. That’s all I can feel right now.

Why did it hit me so hard? Why him, why now? Maybe because we’re same age and I understand the struggles of getting older in the world where only the youngest can achieve something, though it was much worse for him. Maybe because I know what it feels like to lose a friend so suddenly. Maybe because I know exactly how he felt, even though we had completely different life experience. Or maybe we’re just kindred spirits that experience emotions a little bit too intensely.

You see, I’ve been dealing with depression ever since I was seventeen. That’s when my heart stopped. It was still beating, still keeping me alive, but I felt nothing. Nothingness slowly turned into pain. And hatred. I’ve achieved nothing. I’ve done nothing in my life. I’m a waste of time, waste of space. I was crying for help, but nobody ever listened. I would scream into my pillow every night until I fell asleep, I didn’t want to feel this pain. I wanted it to be gone. _I _wanted to be gone. I can’t count how many times I was minutes, seconds away from the irreversible. I didn’t do it and I felt like a coward. I was too weak to even do this much.

To this day I don’t know how I kept on living despite nobody giving a damn. I wanted to live, but I didn’t. And I think he felt the same. He desperately wanted to live. He was open about his condition, he reached out, looked for help. Except I got the help I needed. He, on the other hand, got scolded by his own “doctor”. He was told that it’s all because of his personality. What personality? A sensitive, compassionate angel? A loving friend? A gentle soul that wanted nothing, but to be an artist? Was it his fault that he was overworked, stressed, judged for every little thing he did? People didn’t really help either. They would ask “is crying the new way of promoting your music?” Or say that SHINee doesn’t need Jonghyun, that he’s the ugly duckling of the group, or that he doesn’t have to pretend to know how to sing. And I’m angry. I’m so angry, because how fucking dare you?

I can't get the images of his last performances out of my head. They override everything good and sweet about him, because good and sweet is not how he felt in his final days. He felt pain and sadness, he felt old and lacking, he felt like he was so much less than he was. And he was so precious, warm and soft. Just like the fluffy blankets he loved so much. Did he feel his Blingers' love when he looked at them this one last time? Was it any comfort to him that he WAS loved by so many, after all? Did he know how far that love goes?

In his last performances he looks like he accepted his fate. And he just looks empty. He knew. He must have known what was going to happen. He was taking everyone and everything in, he was saying his last goodbyes. And it undid me completely. When he was recording the Shinin' video, did he know? Did he already know and sang "always be with you" to us to let us know that he will always be here even when his body is not?

We lost this pure soul to a disease that could’ve been treated. It was preventable. He could’ve still been with us if he got the help he need. And it truly fucks me up, and I can’t hold back tears – yet again – because he wasn’t supposed to be gone. He was supposed to be here and enjoy his life. Hold hands with girls, kiss boys, date like crazy (for the love of god let your idols date!), marry or not, have kids or not. He was supposed to make all the choices we all take for granted. But depression is a bitch that sneaks up on you and eats you alive, eats you whole, until you’re a shell, an emotionless zombie, and the thought that he probably felt like that… My heart aches for him so much I want to tear it out. I want to go back in time and do SOMETHING. I want him to be happy, grow old and depart when the time comes and not a second sooner. Would he be happy in this time line? Could I pass the strength I've gained over the years to him, so he can power through this life like an absolute champion he was?

I was watching old videos of Jonghyun interacting with other band members and I noticed that he was always craving closeness and human touch. He’d always stroke someone’s back or neck, held hands with them, hug, lean on, pat. And they weren’t big gestures, it looks like he did it all without even thinking. He enjoyed these little gestures that spoke volumes. Or how in the Excuse Me Miss video, where he’s introducing all the SHINee members, almost hyping them up, and when he introduces himself it’s in a much calmer, quieter manner. Can’t put my finger on it, but my first thought was the obvious “he’s so humble”.

In this short time he had such a great impact on my life that I miss him immensely, even though I've never met him like you guys did. I feel guilty, because I feel like I have no right to miss him, and yet I do. And I'm so utterly sad that it's hard to get up in the morning and carry on with my day, that's why I'm writing this. Will it get the sadness out of my system? I don't think it will, but I hope my thoughts and feelings will be less chaotic now. That I will be able to accept the painful reality, stop daydreaming, thinking "what if" and blaming myself even more for something I couldn't possibly help.

The last thing I want to say is that – as crazy as it sounds – I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Jonghyun, that I couldn’t save you. Even though it was impossible, I’m sorry I didn’t do anything, that I wasn’t aware of your suffering, that I couldn’t be your shoulder to cry on when you needed one. I feel like it’s my fault, somehow, and that I should hop into the Future Gadget 204, 2nd Edition Ver. 2.31 right now and beg you to hold on. I wish I could. I wish it was possible. Because it does get better. It gets better. It gets better. It gets better. I don’t want any more people to feel like they’re lacking, like they aren’t enough, like they didn’t do well enough.

So, to whoever reads it and will possibly read this in the future, even if you stumble upon this “letter” a year from now, five hears, ten years; even if you’re not even born yet and it somehow survives, know that I’m here for you and I will always be here for you. If you’re looking for a sign not to do it today – let this be the sign. If you want me to remind you daily that you’re worth more than every star we’ve ever discovered – I’ll do it. I will be your friend, your shoulder to cry on, your safe haven and your protector.

And believe me, Shawols, when I say this - I wouldn't hesitate one bit if I could trade my life for his. This is the point where you go “damn, this woman crazy” and ridicule me to hell, but it won’t change the fact that if I were presented with the opportunity, I’d take it, because I have nothing to lose and there would be so much to gain. I know how many lives he affected and how many people are still hurting, and will be hurting until they meet him again. I don't believe in heaven or hell or afterlife, but thinking that he left this world in pain and there was nothing else waiting for him... I don't want it to be real. I wish he could make you all smile again. With his performances, with his IG Lives, with his wise words that touched so many, with his art, with his beautiful, gentle soul. And I'm selfish, because I want him back even though I know he didn't want to be around.

To you, my dear, dear, Jjong – you were loved. You were SO loved. You still are. You were a kind soul, a light of our eyes, that wasn’t meant for this cruel world. And your people are so proud of you. I truly hope there is life after life and that I will meet you there. And then I will give you the hug I couldn’t give when you were so alone. You will forever live in our hearts, some of which you touched even after your departure, and your legacy will never be forgotten.

I promise I will work hard. I promise to be more kind to people, but also to myself. I know you wouldn't want us to be hurting. You told us many times that we worked hard and we did well, even if they were the smallest things we managed to do at the time.

You were in my dreams the other night. You were sitting at a dining table in what had to be the strangest meet and greet ever and you signed a CD for me. For some reason it was a generic disc that was in one of those flimsy paper CD envelopes, because even in my dreams I have to totally embarrass myself. But you signed the envelope, smiled your beautiful smile and asked me if I'm well. I know it's all my brain's doing, because I've been thinking about you constantly lately, but I like to think that it's because you still very much care about your Blingers and want to check on them. Even on those that came long after you left. Hearing you now hurts, but I know that with time it will feel like warmest homecoming.

You worked hard, Jjong. Very hard. And you did well. And I thank you for that.

#tw: depression #tw: suicide #shinee jjong #jjong #jonghyun #shawol #shinee #kim jonghyun

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blackmuzak8484 · 3 years

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nortey dowuona’s best of 2020

to be completely honest, I decided to do this entirely for TSJ. otherwise, I wouldn’t have bothered at all. Best end lists are for music nerds and billboard chart nerds and industry vultures, and i happen to be subscribed, in the discord and in the comments of the youtube vids of these folk. so, i decided to pick 10 out of random from the big best of 2020 i was compiling for the whole of the year, which I was gonna post to this Tumblr at the end of the damn year, but I guess I can just post the link to the playlist in the bottom of this post. Here, i’m gonna write about 10 songs I personally love, and pick out a few artists i specifically loved:

artist of the year.

RAP Ferreira put out his best album and best verses in a year everybody either stagnated, fell off or got rendered irrelevant by the world at large. He was ebullient, hilarious, thoughtful and even surprisingly honest. I enjoyed the fact that now he’s begun to create a real platform for many talented folx, and I hope he continues to do that in the margins and make even more beautiful music in the years to come.

rookie of the year.

Enny by a mile. Everybody else who debuted this year got hamstrung by the pandemic but she created 3 great songs, each thoughtful, insightful and a joy. Apparently she just started publicly releasing music to a large audience, and I hope she gets better and better, and even gets bigger than J-

most pleasant surprise.

Vic Mensa’s V Tape. An artist who I though had no more moves left completely turned around his whole career with a fantastic performance at Lollapalooza, a fantastic fleet of features and tis gorgeously produced EP which had some of his most brilliant songs on it. I love it all, Vic Mensah is well and truly back. Welcome back bro. (ALSO, DROP THE DRILL TRACK.)

GREAT THING A GHANAIAN ARTIST DID.

Strongman Burner, Amarae, Okunta Kinte, Vic Mensah in general.

cool things my friends and classmates did.

Justine Darcenne’s #4TheBaeless. Valencia Rae’s Siren thyhomebodies’s Coming of Age. (Phil, a producer in the group, made his own studio!) Brad built his own computer. petit abri put a track on APT9 Record’s compiliation album Volume II. khaalid anderson’s transitions. (khaalid will also be performing at Beats & Brunch on January 23, 2021 at 11 am.) Yannick Paul’s Bear Fruit. The Big Climax’s This Is Ya Boy kxng jetson’s Waves (ft. Kokko Williams & Mike Mezzl) Nicole Gonzalez performed in The Composer’s Melody. Victoria Marie released a bunch of beaufiful covers on her Insta, @toriiii_marie @ph0ssy_jaw works as a counselor online. Pay her at her PayPal. Johnny Aperano Yoba was on People AND Vogue. Dalitso is a wonderful pianist at his church back home in Zambia. Kobina is a fantastic drummer at his church. Kayla graduated with a BS in Music Technology and Industry! Damian been cookin on his insta. Travis graduated! (Look out for Clan of Dragons.) Rorghino Flores made a documentary! Francis (and Animax FYB) put out Mmofra on AmaLexPrime! (play it with yo kids.) A Hype has been dropping crazy all year, roll by his SoundCloud and check out Persistence Of Memory. Reina H been doing great covers on her Insta, @challenges_inlife. Hannah placed music on C. B. S.

best albums of the year (that nobody’s written about).

Maya Huyana -1991 DaWeirdo - Broke and Ugly $ilkMoney - Attack of the Future Shocked, Flesh Covered, Meatbags of the 85 VI Seconds - Because Why Not/Never Knows Best Erik Cain - Heart & Soul Vol. 2 Dimitri & the Scarecrow - Messenger is Sender (from 2015, finally got released onto streaming this year, still pretty great and another great Zimbabwean rapper for us to all fawn over, just like billy woods) Flowking Stone - Gifted 1 The Hoodies - Incommunicado Jayy Grams - Every Gram Counts Domo Genesis/Mike and Keys - Just in Case1/2 Madwiz - God’s Gold Teeth Maez301 - Hasaan Daara J Family - Yaamatele Dai Burger - Dessert EP TeePhlow - Road To Phlowducation II Tef Poe/Blvck Spade - Preacher in the Trap Terrell Hines - Portal One: The Mixtape redveil - niagara Nyukyung - Trap Harmonix AdrianXpression - Sucka Deante Hitchcock - Better (Deluxe) maassai & jWords - ve.loc.i.ty tobe nwigwe - cincoriginals everything Kelsey Lu did this year.

strangest things happening in music in general.

vic mensah actually making a great record. goldlink going through a narcissistic collapse and winding up making the best music of his career. redveil blowing up off Fantano calling him wack. pharoahe monch finally making a rock pivot and it actually works. meet me@the garden coming 10 years too late for my 14 year old self. RAP Ferreira being in the NYTimes, selling a vinyl record for $72, creating an actual nostrum grocers in a video game so we can listen to his next record. The entirety of the playboi carti phenomenom. The entirety of the lil uzi vert phenomenom. The entirety of Chance’s instagram EP being far more money worthy then the entirety of the Big Day and yet being released on Insta and not immediately monetized. Deante Hitchcock releasing a great album and being completely forgotten armand hammer releasing their underground kings wayyy too early. my ass continually not actually looking into amapiano despite always loving it when I review it. several good songs needing to be tacked on to a prior youtube vid as an ad for me to find them instead of actually listening to the artists. santan dave still releasing good verses after he made his illmatic. (expect his new album to suck.) slowthai becoming cake. (we let that go way too far.) Guapdad and BfB Packman being wonderful. Finding out BfB PAckman is a better rapper than Sada Baby. John Boyega putting on Ego Ella May. Having to admit Young Dolph was good all this time and i missed out like a fool.

best tv performance.

Chance The Rapper’s “A Chi-Town Christmas.” IDK’s “Change The Channel.” Sa-Roc’s Tiny Desk Concert. Chika in general. Robert Glapser’s “This Changes Everything (ft. Denzel Curry).” SZA at the Roots Picnic. Sampa The Great at the Roots Picnic. RAP Ferreira in general. Umi’s “Introspection Live Show.” Alexa Esperanza’s cover of “Is It A Crime.” Bad Bunny in general. the jwords, nappy nina and MIKE performances at Satellite Syndicate

most embarrassing piece of music i love with all my heart

Logic’s No Pressure. In all sense of the words I should not love this album like I love my siblings but I do. It is beautiful.

best 10 songs of this year objectively

1 - RAP Ferriera - An Idea Is A Work Of Art (ft. Mike Ladd) [prod. by Kenny Segal, mr. carmack and Mike Parvizi]

I know, I know. In all honesty Doldrums should be here. Then Noz put it on his best list and I had to be all ChiTown Go-Getter and pick the next better thing: this. And in all honesty, it has the best lyric RAP spits on the album: “we build better answers.” But it’s not just that, it’s RAP’s most animated performance, the most dexterous piece on the whole album and the most gorgeous beat, a loping bassline sliding behind the flatfooted drum, allowing Mike Ladd, his musical father, to gently drift through, saying, “what if royalty depised us?” and knowing the only gold is soul and giving it to all of us, all us maggots and vultures and locusts and weevils, to hold to the light so we can finally see. On the quest to get open and free, we continue.

2 - Chika - U Should [prod. by Lido]

I heard this the night it dropped and shot 2 insta videos playacting as it played. But apart from that, it’s a intimate, beautiful song about getting to know a new lady love, so tenderly sung it might melt and disappear if not held gently, with a sweeping guitar lick and purring trumpets sliding all over the place, Chika softly holding each frayed piece together into a considered, gorgeous piece - wait, she’s talking her shit.

3 - Issa Gold - Boys Don’t Cry [prod. by Kingjet & Sherwyn and Matt Zara]

The only reason this isn’t number one is because it dropped on Christmas Eve. But otherwise, it’s a openheart letter to us all. “it’s a lonely path being different,” Issa says, swimming in the melted ice caps as he once danced happily on the edges of melting glaciers that failed to drown him, looking at the world that keeps hurting his heart, yet he still opens his eyes and smiles, and dances. The heavy drums are so bouncy the whole song suddenly flies, formerly a hidden murmur becoming a bright sunlit flight across the sky so we can all see. I can’t wait to see Tempus, if it’s anything as good as this was.

4 - Deante Hitchcock - Growing Up/Mother God [prod. by Brandon Phillips-Taylor]

In all honesty, “Growing Up” is really not the best song on Better. It’s a sweet, happy song with a smooth, crackling bassline with soft, ghostly synths, but still kinda ok. It’s the song added at the end, “Mother God”, that has warm, sizzling piano chords and gorgeous singing in the back. It’s one of the few time I’ve ever heard a man pay homage to the woman in his life and to the God above while being entirely sincere and not faking the funk. The way he praises his mom, his lady, remembering the women in his family taking care of him and him foolishly neglecting Breonna due to his overburdened mind feels full of details, remembrances, explanations and praises. Plus, it actually makes sense that God, if she exists (she does) is a woman since -

5 - Yana Perrault - whiskey and weed [prod. by slate]

Apparently, Yana Perrault is verified now. Excellent. {YES YES MY GOD YESS}, It means more folks know about how great this song, and Yana herself is. If I had any sense, I would’ve written up 12:21 as the best song of 2018, but such is life. Anyway, we have this smooth, bass heavy slinker with shimmering percussion and lumbering drums about hooking up with a former flame who’s “sober” yet keeps on calling Yana to break their sobriety, “know we ain’t talked in a while but you still know my address,” she wryly mentions. As the beat sprints away under a warm cocoon of accapella echoes, it mirrors a relationship so tenuous it might disappear into the wind. Yet still strong enough to have whiskey on call.

6 - Marlon Craft - Culture Sick Freestyle [prod. by Cormill]

Apparently this was supposed to be a shot at Flex. And since Flex is a woman beater and a lame, good for him. Shouldn’t have even gone on Flex to be honest, but then again neither should Jay Critch or Tyler or Black Thought and besides, I watch those freestyles too. And on the freestyle, Marlon frankly put things in perspective. “You don’t want us to better, you just want to be cool still.” This describes all of rap media to be real. And tellingly, it only has 310,000 views. Methinks nobody really wants real. But I do. Thank u Marlon, you continue to be the best white rapper alive. (Nowhere near the best rapper tho, and if Token hadn’t fell off -)

7 - Miah - Cascades [prod. by Cedes]

I’m sideeyeing the boy Miah cuz I had to search up his Audiomack to find the producer’s name (it’s Cedes, and they have a really great avalanche of Drake Type Beats is you like that kind of thing). Were you trying to trick folk into thinking you produced it yourself? You don’t need to do that shit. Especially since you’re writing stuff like “back in high school all my peers were tryin to hit the league / until the league too far from reach so they tap dancing over beats.” When you can frankly break down life that clearly, don’t be trying to hide producer’s names unless you actually learn to produce too. Plaster your name all over that shit.

8 - Justine Darcenne - Off Days [prod. by Mikhail Miller] / Enny - Peng Black Girls (ft. Amia Brave [prod. by Paya]

Justine is indeed my classmate, but that’s not why this song is here. it’s here because it’s a nice little guitar driven song with a spellbinding bridge that’s the best thing I’ve heard her do yet. And I’mma keep it short cuz I already wrote this up at the Singles Jukebox.

Enny released this soft, cushiony record with washed out synths over bulky drums and floated FLOATED over them without even trying to run in the tar, saying frankly, “He said to me, 'they put guns in the streets, that’s what they wanted for me.’ And I said, ‘G, someone can fix you a plate but no one can force you to eat.’” After all, why not try to live for something greater than what the world has expected you to be. And Amia sings, “We’re gon be alright, ok?” with the joy and excitement of someone realizing the words coming alive on their tongue. One of the best songs of this miserable year, and it’s kinda funny watching Jorja accidentally Drake out Amia and even Enny (and by funny I mean irritating.)

9 - Tobi Lou - okay (ft. Dreezy) [prod. by Matteo Woods & Dilip]

Fun fact: Dilip did some great songs with Otxhello, a producer who recorded and mixed 2 records on my first album. That again is not why this song is here. The warm, swinging synths and heavy, bouncy drums are why this is here. Oh, and Tobi’s goofy, silly lyrics and his surprisingly effective Missy Elliott tribute are great too. But obviously, the verse that vaulted this into top 10 was Dreezy, which opens with such a openhearted line, “i can’t help it, it’s too hard to say I’m sorry.” And every line is harder than the last, until she closes with “and I ain’t talkin frontals but we got the city sown up.” Absolutely amazing.

10 - Strongman Burner - Pilolo (ft. KelvynBoy) [prod. by Nixie]

The sweet, gooey synths are poured over the soft, zipping and smooth drums as the wiry bass whirls between Kelvyn’s soft, thin crooning as Stoneman tap dances over the drums, both desperate and defiant, trying to salvage a sinking relationship that he knows is already gathering coral and snappers. It’s the best afropop song of the year and yet it still has a Nigerian on it (well, I put 4 Nigerians on here, next year I’m rectifying that.) And they even did a song together last year , not as good as this. At all. (still pretty good tho.)

best 10 songs i love (but not enough to write full paragraphs for, I already put 10 in and this is already 5 goddamn pages)

11 - Logic - Heard ‘Em Say

best song on the project that isn’t Dadbod but at least it isn’t tempting fate.

12 - Deqn Sue - Creep

I already love this for having a gorgeous bridge, and is cute af. Yes Sue, you can creep.

13 - Quelle Chris & Chris Keys - Sudden Death/ka - i love {moms, mimi, kev}

QUELLE CHIS CAN SANG SANG./ka can heart heart write.

14 - IDK - Square Up (ft. Juicy J)

I don’t know why this is here either but this slaps regardless.

15 - Nappy Nina - Modestly (ft. Maassai)

Maassai is creating some of the best raps out here. so is Nappy Nina.

16 - Kehlani - Lexii’s Outro (ft. Lexii Ajaii)

Let’s celebrate our great rappers when they’re alive (and this includes me. Pls Chika, don’t win Best New Artist.)

17 - Samad Savage - Goodnight

What Travis Scott should’ve tried to be instead of what he is now. Samad still dope af regardless.

18 - Bad Bunny - Si Veo Tu Mama

The way Bad Bunny actually hits that last note makes me feel so excited and alive.

19 - Fat Tony - Back In The Saddle

I fucked up. But I’m getting back in the saddle, back in the saddle next year. NO NIGERIANS ALL NIGERIENS. #ENDSARS tho.

20 - Lady A - the truth is loud

Why am I the only one who has this on a best list? I have 34 bot followers. Vibe, step it up.

best of 2020 music right here folxs.

worst music things of the year:

The Pop Smoke album. Just in all areas. (Better win that Grammy tho.) Travis Scott in general. (So loud and empty and boring.) Big Sean’s Detroit 2. (why does this exist? Just put out Deep Reverence and Detroit Night Cypher and leave everything on the cutting room floor fo the next album.) Remembering all the great rappers who are dead or incarcerated. No Kendrick album (just leaks. Not good enough.) J. Cole and Noname beefing and Noname getting strung up by twitter. Jay Rock pushing being anti-vaccinations. The realization that Normani might never drop a single record ever again. Tory Lanez in general. Joyner Lucas making actually good songs and falling off almost immediately. Cardi B in general. Anything positive being said about steven Universe songs. Luzamity shipping (until it’s canon please stop! Willuz is RIGHT THERE!)

#rap ferreira #best of 2020 #the singles jukebox

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