#just sharing my ramblings in case it resonates with someone
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I just wanna talk about Tomura for a second. And yes, this is about the 419 leaks and how they've been bouncing around in my head for the past 24 hours. And I apologize in advance for how long this is probably going to be. 🫠
Something about it has been bothering me, and not from a writing stand point, I actually think it's written very well. But instead, it's that it's kind of left me with this weird, almost gross feeling every time I look at those panels. That visual of AFO reaching out to baby Tenko is disturbing in such a way that it's hard to really put it into words at first.
For not one second of his life, has Tomura known peace. Since his birth, All for One has literally had his hands on him. Tomura has just been told that his entire life was preplanned, down to his literal birth. And not once has anything he's done, said, felt, believed, or hoped for has been his own. Everything he's ever wanted has been the result of AFO meddling, even if he wasn't aware. And when he finally got his conviction, the thing that became his primary driving force as a villain, it had stemmed from his childhood.
His father abusing him, his quirk and the result of that awakening, and being ignored by people on the streets. Which, we don't have confirmation that AFO had anything to do with that last part, but the result still stands.
And I know a lot of people are iffy on the execution. That everything that happened to Tenko/Tomura was orchestrated by AFO so now his character means nothing and his journey was for nothing. And all I can think is, it takes a special kind of writer to weave a character in such a way that the audience is feeling that same dread, disappointment, and hopelessness that that character themselves is feeling at the reveal.
Just last chapter (418), we had Tenko/Tomura say flat out that he has to believe he chose to kill his family or none of it makes sense. He doesn't understand why he was born this way. He doesn't like the idea that it might not have been of his own control. He needs there to be a reason. And the reason he attributed to it his entire life, his way of coping with that fact, had been the lie AFO fed him that he was born for destruction. And that is what became his driving force.
Something that we, the audience, have been made aware of during Tomura's origin chapters. AFO tells him to embrace the power to destroy, as that is what his impulses tell him to do. He is the one who puts that idea into his head.
So, really, like Tomura, we were all gaslit by AFO into believing that Tomura wanted to destroy hero society and the world, just like he did his family.
And I can see why that can be a disappointment, or why it can feel like wasted time. Because AFO has just told us it was. Which is what I mean by us, the audience, being able to experience Tomura's emotions with him.
Which shows just how good of a character Tomura is. That this reveal can happen and we feel angry, and betrayed, and like everything we experienced was for nothing. We feel hopeless. How do you come back from this? Where does a character go from here? What is the solution?
And, I don't know, I'm not writing this story, but I have some thoughts about it.
The main one being that Tomura is still a person. He still lived a life. His life. Regardless of how and why he was born, where he lived, who raised him, he still existed. And maybe he was never meant to be alive. Maybe he could have grown up a normal child had his quirk not been messed with. But the fact remains that, he didn't. At the end of the day he still lived the life he did. Regardless of why it happened.
He can still feel the feelings associated with that upbringing. He can still speak on those experiences. Because they are his own. They happened through his eyes, to his body, in his mind. And, as much as AFO wants to take credit for their origins, it was still Tomura who had to live them. There is only so much of a person you can control. You can guide them in a direction, encourage them towards a specific goal, give them all the tools and pretend it was fate, but you cannot control how they react to it and what they take back from it as a result.
And I think it's possible that Tomura will realize that is the case. Most notably, it could (and I think should) come from his memories of the League. AFO didn't tell him to believe in Twice and Toga when they went to sabotage Overhaul. He didn't make him bond over video games with Spinner. He didn't plant the idea in his head to ask for sushi from the MLA because of a one off conversation with Compress.
Maybe AFO had some say in who joined the League when it was first forming. Maybe he was the one who told Tomura to make it in the first place (I'm pretty sure he was). But nothing he could say or do or touch could make Tomura connect with them the way he did. The friends he made and the bonds he formed and the person he became while he was with them, was still his own. And I think that would be a great way to resolve Tomura as a character.
Because, even if he wasn't technically a failure of hero society like the rest of them, even though all of the hatred he had for the world has been diminished into the fault of AFO, at the end of the day, it was Tomura who decided he wanted to be a hero to the villains.
#im not here to tell you how to feel about a story one way or another#just sharing my ramblings in case it resonates with someone#plus i needed this out of my head lol#all seriousness aside#when i see afo its on sight 😤#bnha spoilers#bnha 419#bnha manga spoilers#bnha manga leaks#tomura shigaraki#tenko shimura#all for one#lov#league of villains#bnha analysis#kinda
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hi! in stars and time has quickly been taking over my life, and i’ve been slowly but surely working through all the info surrounding it. i’ve only gotten around to listening to one interview—the one with pixel pizza—but it really resonated with me you talking about how you have to be ready for people to take your creations into their own hands, or how even if someone thinks of a headcanon that isn’t right you encourage it because you want people to feel welcome to create things for isat.
i think that attitude has led to the fanbase being so damn welcoming and fun, i haven’t really interacted with a fan community quite like this before. and the idea of “this is my baby i just had and now he’s going to college” (probably misquoted i don’t have the interview on hand rn) is SO funny to me.
also, like, this game is. everything i love in a piece of art. i don’t even like video games but this is one of the best things i’ve ever gotten into like every single detail i’m just like HOW DID THEY KNOW THIS WOULD TARGET ME SPECIFICALLY (obv that’s not the case, but it just feels that impactful!)
this is a lot of rambling i know, i just love this game and love this community and think you’re such a wonderful person in general and just. ough. thank you for making something so amazing and sharing it with the world 💚
THIS MESSAGE MADE ME VERY HAPPY... thank you for playing and for listening to the pixel pizza interview!!! and yeah it is something i decided very early on, to just let people have fun... im glad it seems to be making the fanbase very welcoming! just have fun! tag your funny things! mute the funny things you dont wanna see! curate your experience! etc etc etc. have fun making friends with my baby who i just had and whos immediately off to college
#ask tag#isat stuff#i did want to see what would happen if i was very forthright about 'have fun' in the fandom#but i didnt expect it would make for a welcoming fandom... im very glad... thank you everyone in the fandom for being cool
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I am once again having a thought™ and I just went on a full-on rant to a friend, thought I'd share my thoughts with y'all to see if anyone agrees.
Yes, it's about Hadesgame Patrochilles, buckle up.
Currently reading the Iliad, I noticed that not only are Achilles and Patroclus extremely well-written in Hades (that we're all aware of, I think), but also that there are many many layers to their relationship and the one they have with Zagreus.
First thing that hit me while reading the og Patrochilles and how they're written is how drastically different they are in Hades compared to their original alive selves. They're basically each the complete opposite of what they were when they were alive: Achilles, once prideful, arrogant and impulsive, once his rage was appeased, now became wise, patient, calm, an actually good mentor to Zagreus, in whom he must see a lot of his younger self. Patroclus, on the other hand, once famously gentle and kind, became bitter and dismissive. That can easily be explained by the fact that decades and decades alone after death can drastically change someone. Achilles, so guilty about what his pride did to Patroclus, matured and became wiser; and Patroclus, because of years alone abandoned, lost his faith in the glory of war (and in Achilles).
They basically became the opposite of what they were when they were alive, because of years of loneliness and longing and reflecting on this war they were a part of.
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL GUYS. When you dig a bit (mostly by chatting with Achilles and listening to Patroclus ramble to himself), you learn that what made them mostly change, aside from the circumstances of their deaths, is their longing for each other, and that despite all that change, they both retain the ONE TRAIT that caused their deaths.
Achilles, even in death, remains unbelievably stubborn, unshakable in his decisions (or in this case, his decision to stay away from Patroclus so that he can rest in Elysium) until Patroclus (through Zagreus) manages to shake him out of it.
And Patroclus, ever so bitter and depressed Patroclus, remains deeply kind and generous. He broods there in his glade, but when Zagreus shows up, polite, just passing by, in need of help, Patroclus offers him what little he has to keep going.
It drives me insane to see that after dying, Patroclus is the one who became impulsive and ready to 'risk it all', because he simply has nothing left to lose. Meanwhile, Achilles, so scarred by Patroclus' death (caused by him and his hubris and his pride), is terrified of risking anything, because the one thing he has left to lose is Patroclus' place in Elysium, and he simply can't bring himself to understand that Patroclus wants to be by his side anywhere rather than alone up there.
And they could have never reconciled without Zagreus' intervention. Because somehow, Zagreus is a mirror of both of them, in his own way.
And because on top of being impusilve and stubborn (like Achilles) as well as kind and caring (like Patroclus), Zagreus is the one guy down here, the only one who fights against his fate with all his goddamn might.
Because he wants to see his mother. He wants to find his place in this world. He wants to be acknowledged and respected. So he fights, against the Fates themselves (by just being alive, he does, I'll remind), against Hades, to get what he wants. Achilles and Patroclus both succumbed to their own destinies in the worst way. Of course it would resonate with them.
Maybe I'm thinking too hard about this. But there are so many parallels to draw here! Think about Achilles, who practically raised Zagreus, instructed him in myths, history, combat and arms. Seeing this kid, a prince, gifted for combat, craving for recognition and respect? That would ring a bell. And Zagreus is already a dual kind of person, he's the red eye and the green eye, he's the Olympian and the goddess with a mortal father. He's rage and fierceness (Achilles) and he's kindness and generosity (Patroclus).
And Zagreus hates the status quo. In his own life, and in the one of others. He does this for multiple people in Hades (Sisyphus, Orpheus and Eurydice, Hypnos and Thanatos, Nyx and Chaos...), he just can't stand people suffering when he knows there is something that could be done. He rattles the house and wreaks havoc in his father's well-ordered world, because he knows damn well he's the only one with enough balls to do it.
The thing is that if Zagreus had never intervened, Achilles and Patroclus would never have seen each other. Achilles took the first step toward redemption by giving up his place in Elysium (his glory, his pride, what he fought so hard for) so that Patroclus could stay there instead, as a way of apologizing for what he did to him and atone for his mistakes; but after that, he was left frozen in his own guilt, refusing to try and think of a way to see Patroclus again. And Pat, well... He's given up. Like how he gave up on reasoning with Achilles back in Troy. So he just waits there, even he doesn't know what for. It takes this bisexual disaster of a god to barge in and shake things up, until Patroclus finally reached out to Achilles, gives him that message (risk it all), the last push Achilles needed to finally move.
So yeah I just think they're neat-
This concludes my thought™.
#hades#hades game#patrochilles#the iliad#tsoa#achilles#patroclus#zagreus#supergiant hades#so yeah what you have to conclude from this is that Zag should gain a new pair of dads-#I am very normal about them#sol brainrot hours
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I’ve recently been strongly resonating with alterous attraction, for several reasons.
Basically yes I had several “romantic” relationships in high school, but I honestly have no idea if they were actually romantic. When you’re a little kid in elementary school and your best friend is a different gender, people assume you like them and you have a crush on them, so you assume that’s what you’re feeling. As a kid in kindergarten in my case when I had my first “crush”. By the time you get to high school, everyone knows that there are certain things which means you are in love with someone, and being in love has to mean romantic feelings right? Bc that’s the only type of in love? Right?? Being in love equals romantic attraction right?? Of course! No not really, but that’s high school.
So anyways, there were people I got excited to be with, that I loved talking to, that I smiled around constantly, and yeah I dated someone that all of those things happened to me, and we cuddled and kissed and for all appearances, had a romantic relationship. But… was it?? Or was it me assuming that getting excited and butterflies around someone, getting spacey eyed around someone, and enjoying cute gooey lovey stuff automatically meant romance? Butterflies happen when I’m nervous too. I get spacey eyed when I’m daydreaming about fanfics. And I liked gooey lovey stuff with my platonic qpp too where there was no romantic feelings. Was I just assuming that the feelings I had at that time were romance bc that was the pressure I felt from society and from my partner?
Looking back on it, I can’t say for sure that it was romantic attraction or if I just assumed it was and believed it was.
What makes it more confusing is that I like certain romantic aspects, and with my partner now, I love the things that would be “romantic coded” and I am definitely in love with her, but I can’t say for sure that it’s romantic. I found this explanation for alterous attraction, and it’s so relatable. “I want to be with you and talk to you and do everything with you, I just don’t care how it looks for us or how we categorize our relationship.” I’m happy to let my gf take the lead in how romantic or not our relationship appears bc it doesn’t matter to me.
I’ve settled on this term for my attraction towards my girlfriend: romance-inclined alterous. I’m in love with her, and I enjoy doing romantic type things with her, but I might not always feel that romantic attraction towards her. I’m inclined to like romantic things with her and I might sometimes feel romantic attraction towards her, but I won’t all the time.
Kinda turned into a ramble, but what do you think about terms like romance-inclined alterous?
that’s a good way of explaining it!! im sure there are a ton of other ppl that feel that way too, i think that’s a good term. but yeah thanks for sharing :)
#asks#🌀#alterous#alterous attraction#alterous relationship#alterous yearning#i feel so official having ppl send me asks like this#like yes yes tell me your thoughts
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Why I Love Luan Loud
(1/4 of a series of essays in which I ramble about my favourite characters/ships in the loud house)
Luan Loud, with her blend of silliness and occasional mean-spirited pranks, might not seem like the most endearing character at first glance. I mean, she's one of the most disliked characters on the show because of her pranks and otherwise 'annoying' habits.
Yet, she has become my favorite character for a multitude of reasons that resonate deeply with me. On the surface, Luan embodies a stark contrast: her antics, which lean towards the extreme, particularly during her notorious April Fools' episodes, are balanced by an inherent sweetness and kindness, as shown by how she treats her siblings with physical affection and often supporting them. This contrast is what draws me to her character, and what I love about her so much.
Personally, I've always felt a connection to characters who are unapologetically themselves. Growing up, I was often labeled as an annoying chatterbox. Luan is similar to this, wherein she is often groaned at or implicitly called annoying in dialogue. Despite her family's lukewarm reactions to her humor, she does not take the hint, and just continues on regardless. This could be a mix of either neurodivergence making her misunderstand anything that isn't a clear verbal complaint as simply just a comment, or rather she understands that they dislike it, but doesn't care. However, i'm hesistant to say this due to the fact that she has been shown to be rather oblivious when it comes to social cues. Not to say that she is stupid, because she isn't, but rather her intelligence lies in technical skills such as mechanical engineering (as seen by her pranks), clowning, comedy and acting.
The episode "No Laughing Matter," where Luan decides to quit comedy is the episode that really stuck with me and made me be a big fan of Luan. Watching her hesitate and carefully plan her words struck a chord with me, as if she was struggling so hard to not bring up her special interest (puns/comedy) in any remote way, which I full heartedly believe is similar to masking, and I relate *a lot* too.
For those uninitiated, Masking is a form of pretending in which those who are neurodivergent frequently act a different way to avoid their more explicit ND traits causing them social alienation. However, this can drain energy and be harmful for neurodivergent people, as they're pretending someone who they're not, which is harmful to anyone.
I could make the case for all of the Loud siblings being on the spectrum in some capacity, but I want to specifically highlight Luan here given she's often disregarded when the fandom talks about neurodivergent headcanons, even though she could be argued as being explicitly coded as such.
There's a deeper layer to Luan that often goes unnoticed. Like many of the Loud children, Luan navigates a sense of neglect, which I believe fuels her over-the-top pranks on April Fools' Day. It seems to be her way of clamoring for the attention she feels she lacks, escalating her antics in hopes of acknowledgment. This cycle of seeking validation through increasingly bold actions could be stretch but in the future I plan to write an essay on how shit the Loud parents are.
Beyond the screen, Luan and I share a common background as theatre kids, which deepens my affinity for her. My own experiences was honestly fucking shitty, cause of an ableist drama teacher, but regardless, that's a shared experience I share with Luan. Aside from that, I also love the colour yellow, I also performed comedy routines in front of my family as a kid, I love vintage fashion similar to 60s (which Luan 100% embodies fight me on that) and I do love a good pun. So, as a result, I see my younger self in Luan and have a strong desire to protect and ensure her safety/happiness otherwise. It sounds rather silly but it's the truth. Characters can be like that, where they feel so similar that it just clicks for you.
In summary, Luan's unabashed silliness and her determination to remain true to herself is why she is, without a doubt, my favorite character.
#the loud house#loud house#luan loud#tlh#fandom blog#fan blog#rant post#character appreciation#mo rant
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Stasis
Dottore x Reader ▪︎ Genshin Impact ▪︎ Cross-posted ▪︎ Not very wholesome
You first thought him to be some sort of heretic, proclaiming his preposterous ideas to the professors at the Academia like a madman. You remembered passing lecture halls, his incredibly passionate voice resonating throughout the mostly empty room; you had only been there to submit your thesis to the professor, but Dottore, you couldn't seem to remember his name from back then, was clearly occupying all of the professor's time.
You had stopped by the door, peering in through the crack to watch the scene unfold. Dottore's crimson eyes were alight with the same overzealous fervor exclaimed by all students in advanced study. You were all a little strange in your own right, but only Dottore elicited that fear-striking response.
But the longer you listened, the more you realized just how intelligent he truly was, in spite of all his absurd proposals. Those weren't just some mindless ramblings from a lunatic; that was the work of a genius. Perhaps that's why the scholars kept him in the Academia for as long as they did. If only he'd have focused his talents in to something more moral, maybe he'd have risen far higher than any student in your year.
But alas, it wasn't meant to be, and it wasn't long after that day you never heard from him again. "Served him right," you recalled someone saying as they discussed the rumors surrounding his disappearance.
"Honestly, why would they ever admit someone so clearly out of their mind?"
"What ever the case, I'm glad he's gone now."
Thinking back, you wondered if things would have turned out differently if you hadn't asked him to share his findings with you. But in those days, you'd never have imagined yourself in the Fatui. The Academia was far too corrupt, and though the Fatui was arguably more so, at least you had all the time in the world to research what your heart desired.
Situated before you was a silver mirror adorned with white marble and ice, glittering beneath the crystal chandelier above you. This was Snezhnaya, the land of frosted-over hearts and melancholy. Your reflection in the cracked glass was the same girl who stared back at you many years ago, at least on the surface. It was as if you were peering into the looking-glass at a distant memory, but the memory in your vision couldn't look back at you with the same aloof expression in your eyes at that moment.
A figure moved behind you; you saw it in the mirror, a heavy white coat with black fur like the night, a coat only worn by the Harbingers. His right earing glowed more ominously than the moon, and his mask obscured his likely impatient expression. You knew him well.
You didn't turn to face him as he approached you, not flinching when his arms wrapped around you from behind. He leaned down to whisper in your ear, his voice husky and dark, "Now matter how long you stare at it, it's never going to change back. You will forever remain as beautiful as the day I shared my research with you in this form of stasis."
#genshin impact#genshin impact x reader#fanfic#reader insert#dottore x reader#dottore x you#il dottore#fatui
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I just recently found out ur blog and i tried to read most of the answers to understand ur view point on jikook..but i got confused about u. I mean the name of ur blog is something like u r definitely a believer in jikook but on the other side u r so chill that u didn't even defend them as a couple when ur anons bring some negative points. Angry jikooker....but u behave like u don't give a damn. U even agrees with them on the things which are sometimes against jikook. And m not saying it's a bad thing bcz it's in fact good that at least u behave logically and not someone like a blind shipper. But i got confused bcz ur blog name shows like u r a hard core shipper or supporter of them but maybe that's not the case??? So i just wanted to ask u as a new follower of urs...what u actually think about them??? And how much do u believe in them as a couple?? And do u also think like jk sometimes just use jimin bcz he sometimes behaves same with tae too??? What are ur thoughts exactly!!! M new here so pls if u can explain to me as a little about urself...thn thankyou.
"I mean the name of ur blog is something like u r definitely a believer in jikook [...] But i got confused bcz ur blog name shows like u r a hard core shipper or supporter of them but maybe that's not the case???"
Incredibly presumptuous of you–to assume that every Jkkr is a committed believer in the dating narrative. I enjoy their dynamic–why is that not enough? What is so difficult to grasp about someone who doesn't want to cross further lines that the very nature of RPS inherently does already? Their bond resonates with me, full stop. I don't know why it matters to you or anyone else why I'm not arming myself with the full Jikook bible and defending it with my life.
"but on the other side u r so chill that u didn't even defend them as a couple when ur anons bring some negative points."
What's negative? That people are sharing information that the members might be dating other people? That they're sharing information that insinuates Jikook might not be dating at all? That they're sharing information that the members might be dating/messing around with women? I make it a point to never fully agree with people who are sharing information based on word-of-mouth, but I am perfectly capable of compartmentalizing well enough that they're all rational possibilities. I don't know that Jikook are dating, and I also don't know that they're not. I can only go by what we concretely know about them, but what we do already know is only the tip of the iceberg. Many shippers choose to explore what's below the surface; I do not, on principle, unless they voluntarily share more of themselves with us. What's so difficult to understand about this?
"Angry jikooker....but u behave like u don't give a damn."
The very origins of TAJ began because toxic Jkkrs were ruining my vibe and being shitty, hypocritical, and verbally abusive–among other things, including being brazen enough to DM me death threats all because I don't think like other supporters do. So yeah, Angry Jikooker about sums it up. Clearly, not all Jkkrs are like this, but my experience with toxic zealots pushed me to carve out this space for myself. If being neutral means I don't give a damn, then yeah, I don't. If you don't like it, go somewhere else. I'm not forcing anyone to read my ramblings. Scroll past my posts, block me–IDGAF.
"what u actually think about them??? And how much do u believe in them as a couple?? What are ur thoughts exactly!!!"
They're adorable and occasionally partake in questionable behavior that's worth a second look. I don't think they're a couple, but I also couldn't say that they aren't for sure. I think there's been some recognition of attraction and natural flirtation as a result, but that's the extent of it that I'm willing to entertain.
"And do u also think like jk sometimes just use jimin bcz he sometimes behaves same with tae too???"
So wait, you mean to tell me you clearly have all these issues with me respecting Jikook as individuals and their private lives by not overspeculating, but you saying shit like this is okay? Make it make sense.
__
Honestly, this submission was a little troll-y, but there were some points made that I see often enough that it was worth addressing.
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do u have any advice for someone with dissociative ptsd who’s like 80% sure he’s multiple. i honestly don’t know what to do because i keep trying to explore and learning absolutely nothing about what’s in my brain if u know what i mean. sorry this is kind of out of the blue
im going to do my best to keep this as concise as possible bc i am so prone to ramble fjdskl but i’d like to help if i can and i know long chunks of text are unappealing
first thing is obviously the disclaimer of i am not a mental health professional or professional anything, i’m just a mentally ill disordered traumatised person/system, so take whatever i say with a grain of salt and also keep yourself safe, find professional help, etc. use your discretion when it comes to what we're saying here.
very brief rundown of my own experiences of system discovery: i looked into IFS therapy, things started clicking in the way of More than just IFS, a situation happened with a friend as witness where it was basically undeniable that we’re a system, and things just sort of kept getting explored and shoved into the light after that (turns out we had actually been looking into all of this stuff when we were 16/17 but had completely forgotten about it despite making several notes and messaging a couple people asking questions… good ol’ amnesia sdjfkl). so that’s the short version of our/my experience figuring this shit out in case that does anything to help.
so! with that out of the way, here’s what I’ve got for you! first off is to take it slow and don’t force anything (extremely frustrating advice, i am well aware fjsdkl), that’ll just make things more difficult and potentially cause you more issues. be gentle with yourself, and make sure you have a solid support system and that you’re in a safe situation before delving into anything. be cautious as you continue, and be open (and welcoming) if you do find any parts/alters/etc sharing the brain.
i feel like there is a good possibility that whatever you’re trying to figure out right now is either not meant for you at this moment in time or that (if you do have DID/OSDD) a gatekeeper doesn’t feel you’re ready for whatever it is. in that case, go at your own discretion ofc but just be extra cautious and maybe leave it to rest for now until things feel a bit more open and available (and obviously once again seek professional help if that’s available to you).
personally if i ever push to find something and i’m left drawing a blank, that’s always been our gatekeeper blocking me off from finding something. trauma is tricky to navigate, it’s easy to push too hard and end up in a worse spot than you were in before. but i absolutely understand the desire to know and understand what’s going on with the brain!
i think my only other piece of potential advice is maybe engage with systems/pwOSDDID online (or irl if thats available) and delve into some (more) research. educate yourself as much as you can about the experiences of having this osdd-1/did and about the medical terminology and research (i’ve got a google docs folder of some biographies and research papers if you’re interested). if you can’t know about your own personal experiences, it might still help to get to know about the experiences from a medical standpoint and from other people’s perspectives. and that may help you find more, as you may find you relate to things people are saying or feel something resonate with you and it’ll give you more leads (or perhaps lead you in the other direction, that you don’t have the disorder and it’s something else). if there’s a gatekeeper or protector etc blocking you off from figuring things out, doing this sort of research and engaging with systems/pwOSDDID might help them feel like you’re more ready for that sort of self discovery.
{Note from Nine: I tried to edit Juno's response down as much as possible lmao but it's difficult to get it any shorter than this. Quick POV from a non-host alter: if you do have DID/OSDD and your system-mates don't want you to know, there's probably a reason for that. It doesn't mean you CAN'T figure it out, but just be careful with it. We're obviously somewhat glad we know now so that we don't feel fucking insane, but it's really fucking hard to come to terms with and has caused us a shit ton of issues (and we often still struggle with denial). I'd honestly hesitate to do what Juno said in the last paragraph, but just like... go at your own pace lmao, use your own discretion. Don't get yourself in a bad place with this shit. Take it slow, make sure you're safe, don't push anything that will only end up hurting you more.}
#I don't entirely know how I feel about this but I'm trusting you to keep yourself safe lmao.#nine speaks#(as well as juno lol but they dont' have a specific talking tag for here)#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#asked and answered
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hiya, just poping in to say i hope you're not giving too much weight on what you see on twitter; imo it's most often a mistake to venture there. Coming back to the topic of fics rec, i've rarely used them myself. I've always used the tag systems on ao3 to find my fics and the fics recs i came across here on tumblr are just bonus. And call me an optimistic but I like to think many people do so. After all if me and you do, we can't be the only ones can we? I mean there's something called a silent majority (thinking of an expression in my mother language here, no idea if it translates the same in english) and we tend to focus on the louder people which are sadly, rarely the smartest nor nicest. I guess what i'm trying to say is, your works are lovely and it'd be a shame if some people's lazyness (to search properly) and the consequent lack of visibility you feel it's giving your stories discouraged you. First, because no matter how many, there's still people seeing, reading and enjoying your fics and also even though people are still going to discover your work; readers using the tags system are people stumbling upon it through tumblr... Anyway i'm rambling. In the end the most important is that you have fun doing what you're doing. If writing takes too much of your time or energy, it'd make sense if you'd wanna stop. Just wanted to try and offer some perspective, but mostly support. Do what feels the best for you to keep having an enjoyable experience and in any case, thank you for what you've shared with us already <3
First of all, thank you for all these kinds words, nonnie <3
I ventured to twitter after someone told me my fic is being discussed and I was too curious to see. I mean they were nice about it, but I was dumb enough to stay around, and I saw the general tone of discussion with fanfics they have and boi am I disappointed. And sad, tbh. The way they treat authors and how they feel qualified to give "constructive criticism" is absolutely ridiculous. A friend of mine said it,,, what twitter is doing is not constructive, it's destructive.
I always try to go by Wentworth Miller quote: "If what I do resonates with no one, that's fine. If what I do resonates with one person; beautiful."
But sometimes it's just a little hard. Thank you though, I highly appreciate your words.
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48 from dialogue prompts + 50 from wordless i-love-yous for geraskier?
Dialogue Prompt 48: “You make me want things I can’t have.”
Wordless I-love-you 50: buying them a special treat when you go out shopping
--
It catches Geralt’s eye while he haggles over an outrageously priced jar of alchemy paste with a none-too-impressed herbalist on the outskirts of Novigrad, a buxom widow with thick-braided auburn hair by the name of Irmina.
“This for sale too?” He picks up the brooch from the countertop where it rests in a beam of golden light streaming through a dingy window. He examines it. It’s simple enough metalwork, a brass oval with a scalloped edge, but inlaid in its face is a single pressed yellow flower framed by tiny white blooms encased in resin.
The herbalist’s dour demeanour brightens immediately. “It is indeed!” she answers, her brown eyes shining in a plump, suddenly pleasant face. “Made it myself just last week. It’s something of a hobby of mine, making pretty knick-knacks from the flowers we can’t sell. Got plenty more like this if you’d like to peruse ‘em, master witcher! Forget-me-nots and arenaria, hellebore, violets, any flower you might like.”
A buttercup, he realizes belatedly. That’s the yellow flower in the center.
“No.” He sees Irmina’s brow furrow in offense, so he hastens to appease her. “No need, I’ll take this one. I...I’m partial to buttercups.”
Her freckled face breaks into a sly, knowing smile. “Oh, aye, I’m sure someone is partial to buttercups.” She winks, waving away his stammered attempts at an answer. “Never you mind, I know a man besotted when I see one, and it seems a witcher’s not so different. Tell you what. Fifty crowns for the paste and I’ll throw the brooch in for only ten.”
-
Leaving the herbalist’s shop with an overpriced paste, a lighter purse, and a useless trinket, Geralt curses himself for a fool.
He’s not sure why he bought it.
He knows buttercups are Jaskier’s favorite, of course. “None but the noblest of flowers for my sobriquet!” Jaskier had squawked indignantly when Geralt once made the grave mistake of referring to the pesky things as weeds after he’d stopped Roach from chomping on a patch of the bright, poisonous blooms.
They are weeds, buttercups. They serve no function. They can’t be used in any of the potions, decoctions, or oils Geralt brews, nor do they have any particularly helpful curative properties for humans.
“As ever, my dear witcher, you have no sense of poetry,” Jaskier had sighed in a most put-upon voice when told as much. “Their function is they’re pretty. Their function is to enrich our lives through the beauty of the natural world.” He’d looked to the sky, tip of his tongue between his teeth showing through his frown as was his custom when puzzling through the right way to turn a phrase. “From a strictly utilitarian perspective, perhaps the buttercup has less value than, say, moleyarrow, or verbena, or chamomile, even. Some plants provide nutritional or medicinal or alchemical qualities of various sorts. But some exist to make life worth living! To transform the banal into the sublime.” He’d plucked a buttercup from the roadside, twirling it between his long fingers. “It’s graceful and balanced, effortlessly beautiful. It’s vibrant, bright like...like sunlight, on a summer afternoon! And when you see it growing alongside the various and sundry flora, it fills you with the loveliest burst of warmth, like a lover’s smile.”
“So...it’s a pretty weed.”
“You’re incorrigible, witcher, that’s what you are.” Jaskier had huffed dramatically before tucking the buttercup behind Geralt’s ear, his face alight with a delighted grin.
Like sunlight on a summer afternoon.
-
The Kingfisher Inn is crowded when Geralt arrives. He goes to the bar, orders an ale from Olivier, and leans against the counter to take a look at the stage.
Jaskier loves playing the Kingfisher. In many of the inns he plays across the Continent, he’s relegated to a corner to try to sing over the clang of dinner, his only option to win the common folk over a raucous drinking song or a filthy ditty. And while the bard doesn’t shy away from such vulgarities, the patrons of the Kingfisher tend to be of a more artistically inclined ilk, responding with appropriate gusto to the virtuosic art songs that he rarely performs outside of competitions or Oxenfurt.
Or so he’d explained to Geralt when he’d suggested they meet up at the inn.
Jaskier sits atop a tall stool on a rather large stage framed by crimson curtains, his sky-blue doublet a vivid contrast. The audience, enraptured, listens to his ballad, a melancholy tale of a fair maiden who’s violently killed before she can profess her love to a farmhand in her village, a beautiful, strong, kind man whose hair shines like a blaze of pale fire in the sunlight. Her love for him tethers her to this world, and her spirit—bitter, weary, and endlessly yearning—calls the men working in the fields to join her dance at midday, when the sun is in its zenith, hoping against hope for the chance to finally confess to her beloved.
In the end, the brave, noble farmhand sacrifices himself, hoping to stop the spirit’s killings by listening to her song and joining her as she beckons. And as they are reunited, as she finally kisses the lips she’s longed for in a blinding blaze of sunlight, they pass on together, their spirits becoming one.
It’s a contract Geralt worked a few years ago, a noonwraith outside Oreton—or at least something close. As ever, Jaskier has taken artistic liberties, romanticized the actual events (“Sometimes, in our pursuit of Truth, we must sacrifice the facts,” Jaskier loftily explained on more than one occasion. He seemed quite taken with the profundity he seemed to find in the statement. Geralt called it pretentious once and Jaskier hurled a chunk of bread at his head). Once it might have bothered Geralt, but he’s grown accustomed to Jaskier’s rather malleable relationship with veracity in his ballads. There’s no denying the impact of his storytelling: when Geralt glances around the inn, he sees several patrons discreetly dabbing at their eyes.
It’d been an ugly case, leaving him feeling empty, drained. Noonwraiths haunt his thoughts far longer than most the monsters he dispatches. They’re victims of circumstance more than anything, young women who’ve been transformed into bloodthirsty, violent spirits through no fault of their own, through the violence inflicted upon them. Nearly forty men had fallen prey to her before the farmhand distracted her with his kiss—though Geralt would hesitate to classify his grotesque, gruesome sacrifice as such—so the witcher had a chance to strike her down with silver. Jaskier has spun the miserable tale into something beautiful, moving, something that clearly resonates with his captivated audience, that speaks to a greater force at work than the chaotic, banal evils the witcher sees every day, and Geralt thinks he understands, for a moment, what the bard had told him of Truth and facts.
(Geralt doesn’t know what greater Truth is served by changing the beloved farmhand’s hair from the dull brown it really was to “a blaze of pale fire,” but then, Geralt’s not a poet.)
The final notes hang in the air, all eyes fixed on Jaskier for a rapt, breathless moment before the room bursts into wild applause. Jaskier stands and bows deeply, once, twice, a third time, surveying the room as he offers his thanks. When his gaze catches Geralt at the bar, his expression of showman’s grace vanishes, a flash of something that looks almost alarmed for a split second before it’s replaced by a small, gentle smile.
Geralt nods and raises his mug toward the stage in cheers, draining the remainder. Jaskier is quickly swept into the swarm of captivated fans, accepting their praises with a gracious, if distracted, smile.
The witcher turns back to the barkeep to order himself another ale along with a glass of wine.
“Geralt!” Jaskier swerves to avoid a near-collision with a frenzied barmaid on his way to join his companion at the bar. He grabs the wine glass with a groan of appreciation, taking a swig before asking, “Is this for me? Gods, but you’re a marvel, darling, I thank you.” He takes another sip and sends a disarming, roguish wink to a pair of girls staring at him and giggling to each other. “I wasn’t sure when you’d arrive, but it wouldn’t have mattered, I suppose, they only had one room to let when I checked in and it hasn’t cleared out since. You’ll share mine, of course, but I’ve been here a week so, you know, best brace yourself, I’ve quite made the place my own.”
Geralt snorts. He’s stayed in enough rooms that Jaskier has made his own over the past decade to predict with some certainty what mess he’ll soon venture into.
(Doublets draped over furniture after they’ve been discarded; crumpled sheets of paper tossed near, never in the fireplace; a few near-empty bottles of wine; a shirt hung to dry over the modesty screen between the sleeping and bathing areas; bottles of a dozen oils and perfumes and soaps scattered haphazard near the tub; an unmade bed that may well contain an abandoned undergarment or forgotten stocking left by some well-satisfied guest.)
“Have you eaten? Shall we? I’m starved, felt jittery all afternoon and didn’t eat a damned thing which was all well and good until I got onstage and suddenly wished for a fainting couch. Or we could take your things up to the room first, of course. Oh! We could have them bring our dinner up to us, it’s awfully crowded down here tonight and I’m not sure I’m up to socializing all evening, to be honest, I’ve been dreadfully out of sorts, did you notice, Geralt, that I’ve…”
Jaskier continues his ramblings, and the witcher can’t help a twinge of worry for his friend. It’s not unheard of for Jaskier to be in a heightened state over a particularly important performance, but usually afterwards the nerves dissipate and he seems more himself. Not to mention, why would playing in an inn prompt such anxieties? Even if the Kingfisher clientele trends toward the more refined than the country folk he often plays for, it’s still rather a low-stakes environment to trigger such stress.
“New song?” he asks casually. Jaskier always beams when he notices such things, when he makes an effort to ask about his music.
Instead, Jaskier blushes, looking away with an expression that almost seems guilty. “Ah, yes, well, I wasn’t certain when you’d be arriving, of course, I thought I might try out something different, a sort of test audience, as it were, to feel out the piece before I use it for anything important.” The look he’s fixed on Geralt seems almost wary. “Did you...like the song?”
Geralt shrugs. “Not quite how it happened,” he grumbles, out of habit more than anything.
A smile, genuine and rueful, breaks out on Jaskier’s face. “Gods, I’ve missed you, my friend,” he says, shaking his head and looking away quickly.
“Hmm.” He reaches quickly into the coin pouch at his side, thrusting the trinket from the herbalist into Jaskier’s hand with a brusque, “Here.”
“Whatever have we got…” He cuts off as opens his palm. “Oh.”
There have been so few times over the years that Geralt has seen Jaskier speechless that he begins to worry he’s offended him. He turns the brooch over in his hands, once, twice, his thumb swiping gently over its smooth enamel face. He doesn’t look up.
Even in the crowded room, Geralt can smell the shift in his demeanor, the muted sickly-sweet anxious smell becoming something sharp, metallic, pained, like he’s been stabbed. “You’re upset.”
“I...no.” Jaskier shoves the brooch into his trouser pocket, a tense smile on his face, not at all reaching his eyes. “Thank you, Geralt, it’s lovely. Shall we take your bags to the room now?”
“I didn’t...I didn’t get it to upset you.”
Jaskier laughs, a broken thing, and Geralt grows even more alarmed. “You didn’t, it isn’t that, sometimes I want things I can’t have is all.” He grabs the saddlebag sitting at Geralt’s feet, not meeting his eyes as he rushes past him up the stairs to the last bedroom in the hall.
Geralt follows after a moment, giving his companion a respectful distance. There’s a tightness in his shoulders, a knot in his gut that only grows as he watches Jaskier’s hand tremble on the key as he unlocks the door.
It was a stupid idea. He knew it was stupid when he bought it, yet he bought it anyway, somehow ruined everything anyway.
“Here we are.” Jaskier’s voice is filled with a forced cheer as he sets the bag down, hand never leaving the doorknob. “I’ll go fetch us some supper. Or, actually, you know, now that I think of it, I’ve a few errands to run before it gets too late, meant to do it earlier but you know how it goes, lost track of time…”
“Jaskier.” Geralt moves toward him but stops himself, helpless. “Please. I’m sorry I upset you.”
Jaskier stands in the doorway for another moment. He takes a deep breath, closes the door, and walks slowly to the writing desk in the corner. He pulls the chair out, moving the doublet strewn across it before sitting. He doesn’t look at Geralt.
“You didn’t.” Every word is calculated, deliberate. “What kind of ungrateful wretch gets upset over...over an exceptionally thoughtful gift from a friend after a time apart?”
Geralt sits on the edge of the bed. His elbows rest on his knees, fingers locking together as he stares at the floor. “You’re not a wretch. The fault is mine.”
“Dammit, Geralt, there isn’t fault, I only—why did you bring me a gift?”
Geralt frowns. “I’ve bought you things before,” he says slowly.
“Things, yes!” Jaskier vaults from the chair, pacing listlessly about the room, no longer trying to mask his inexplicable distress. “Lute strings when I broke a string and I was low on coin. The lute is my livelihood, it made financial sense for you to replace the string so I could pull my own weight, help you when we pass through several towns in a row with no contracts. Boots when you noticed the hole in the heel of my old pair, because I slow you down limping about in footwear that’s falling apart. Room and board, sometimes, because you know I’m good for it, I’ll cover you the next time.” He’s stopped pacing, stares silent into the fireplace.
“Wasn’t keeping a tab.” Geralt’s voice is quiet. “You needed strings and boots and food and a room.”
Jaskier doesn’t turn to face him, but Geralt sees his hand slip into his pocket, pull out the brooch. His head bends, studying it.
He’s not offended or annoyed or angered by the gift. He’s hurt. But why?
Except...
Jaskier looked guilty when Geralt brought up the song. Like he’d been caught red-handed. Did you like it? he’d asked. Incredulous.
The noonwraith singing her song in hopes that her beloved hears her confession. That he’ll hear her song of longing and come to her.
Hair like a blaze of pale fire, not dull brown.
Sometimes I want things I can’t have.
“Geralt?”
The witcher snaps back to attention, eyes fixed on Jaskier, finally facing him.
“Why did you get it for me, Geralt?”
Geralt frowns. “It’s...pretty,” he starts lamely. “I thought you might wear it when you play. You wear gaudy things.”
Jaskier snorts, a small, crooked grin on his lips.
“It made me think of you,” he confesses quietly, his eyes tracing the wood grain of the floor. “Sometimes...things don’t have to have a function. It was a buttercup and it was pretty and it…made me think of you.”
When Geralt dares to raise his eyes, Jaskier’s staring at him, brows drawn together and mouth slightly agape. After a moment, he walks toward the witcher, sitting carefully beside him on the bed. He reaches his hand towards Geralt’s and presses the little brooch into his palm.
“Will you pin it on me?” he asks softly.
Geralt nods.
His fingers feel thick and clumsy as he fumbles with the delicate clasp. The top few buttons of Jaskier’s doublet, as ever, are undone, but it closes neatly just beneath his exposed neck. Geralt slips a finger beneath the satin fabric to pull it away from his throat, cautiously piercing the fabric with the thin pin and sliding it into its slot, locking the clasp with shaking hands.
His hand doesn’t move from Jaskier’s chest. A sword-calloused thumb, seemingly of its own volition, grazes lightly over the bobbing Adam’s apple.
“Geralt.”
He looks up, almost pulls away but for the flushed cheeks, the tongue that darts out to wet pink lips, the hooded eyes beneath dark lashes fixed on Geralt’s mouth. Jaskier’s breath is warm against his face. When did they draw so close?
“Are you going to kiss me, Geralt?” The breathy whisper is laced with wonder.
And he didn’t...didn’t buy the brooch to entice Jaskier into anything, didn’t mean to solicit any sort of reward, and he opens his mouth to tell him so, yet as his rough hand moves to gently cup the back of Jaskier’s neck the words that tumble out instead are, “I’d like to.”
And Jaskier throws back his head and laughs, a euphoric, intoxicated sound, as his lovely hands cradle Geralt’s face. He brings his forehead to rest against Geralt’s as they still, breathing each other for a moment before Jaskier surges forward to capture his lips.
His kiss tastes like sunlight.
#geraskier#geralt x jaskier#the witcher fic#the witcher#my fic#anon asks#prompt fill#thank you so much for this absolutely lovely prompt!!!!! i'm so sorry it took me months to actually filling it!!!
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Things Yizhan Made Me Do
It's BXG Day today! 🐢💛
To commemorate the occasion, I thought of making a list of 13 out-of-character things that I've done since falling into the fandom. (OK I'm a bit late I meant to do this sooner, the day is ending soon in a couple of hours).
1. Start a blog
And a public one, no less. I had a blog when I was in my teens but that was private, like a personal diary. My day job already involves writing so off-work I would usually like to indulge in mindless activities. Now, here I am, maintaining a Yizhan blog. I have not even used Tumblr prior to this but I'm enjoying it now, rambling about our fav boys. Writing is not a chore if it's about them.
2. Join a fandom
I joined a boy band fan club once upon a time, some 15 years ago, but I was never as invested in it as I am now with Yizhan. Back then it was just buying some merch, attending their concert/autograph sessions, listening to their songs. Apart from work, dog mum duties, personal relationships, other hobbies like kombucha brewing, most of my free time is now spent on the fandom. My Netflix account is crying. There is just so much to do and catch up on (I'm not complaining). I also enjoy interacting with and learning from other bloggers here. Antis are no fun and some industry news/developments/hate messages are upsetting but ultimately, you curate your own fandom experience. And I choose positivity and rationality.
3. Indulge in RPS
I don't ever 'ship'. What is 'ship'? 😆 I was always a dutiful audience, just enjoying whatever drama series and moving on after that. I started with CQL like most people and I didn't even notice/like GGDD until much later. Didn't even set out to 'ship' anyone but now I'm a self-professed turtle. SZD is SZD, and anyone can see something special between them if you keep an open mind. I wrote about my SZD reasons here previously. That said, GG & DD are individuals, each with their own successful careers. They come first, the ship comes second. That I'm very clear of.
4. Use Chinese apps
Gosh, my phone and tablet are now full of Chinese apps. I used to have only WeChat cos I needed it for work but now I have Weibo, Oasis, Douyin, WeTV, MangoTV, Youku, etc. Some of them are not even available in the app store so I had to find alternative sources to download them. haha..I even have paid membership for some of these apps. And now, browsing Weibo daily becomes a routine. If you wish, you can just get stuck browsing Weibo for a long long time. It's entertaining.
5. Read fan fic
I only started about 6 months ago but now I'm hooked and fics are largely the only thing I read these days, apart from news. But I only read Yizhan or WangXian fics (p.s. calling for fic recs of other pairings!) I know some might have different feelings about fan fics but to me, I really just see them as fiction, with characters (and sometimes traits) bearing similarities to GGDD. Similarly, I separate the platform from the incident so I have no problems going to A03 despite GG's incident. I just enjoy seeing the characters named XZ/WYB having happy endings in many different timelines and universes. While most of the fics I read are explicit (by design), I don't use them as tools to play out certain fantasies or to think of GGDD in a sexual manner. In fact, I really hate fics that have little substance and just go into the explicit parts without plot development. I like those with interesting premises too, like one I read recently where XZ is a serial killer and WYB is a police officer investigating the case but also in love with him. I do have plans to share my list of fav fan fics some time down the road so keep an eye out for it!
6. Willingly read Chinese
Yes, Chinese may be my mother tongue but I don't use it much in daily living unless I have to. I also find it tedious to read Chinese cos the characters are just so squashed together. If I have a choice, I will always pick English. But now, I read so much Chinese from my daily weibo browsing. I even read fan fics in Chinese! Who am I? On the plus side, I think my Chinese comprehension and translation skills improved. I also picked up some internet lingo used by Chinese netizens, which are pretty interesting like doi, 🐮🍺, 🖍. My all-time fav is yyds.
7. Act like a cougar
In real life, I have always maintained that younger men are childish. At least those I have encountered. But look at me now, fangirling over two younger men (I am closer in age to GG, but still..). I even jokingly call them my 'China Boyfriends'. I look at them very respectfully most of the time.
8. Buy merch
Seriously, once you start, you can't stop. At least that was what happened to me, although I'm still quite selective when it comes to supporting their endorsements. I usually go for consumables like food, cosmetics vs collectibles cos I'm more practical. Also, GG says to support their merch within reasonable means so that's what I'm doing. Just buying things that I'm interested to try and not because it has their faces or names slapped on it. In a way, this suits me cos I like trying new brands and stuff anyway.
9. Keeping a Yizhan archive
Photos, weblinks, videos, songs, fan fics list..my phone is full of these things now. I think my Yizhan photo gallery is only second to the folder with my dogs' pictures. But how can you resist when we are blessed with new pics of them almost every week?
10. Camp for livestreams
I'm lucky I live in the same time zone as the boys so I don't have to wake up in the wee hours of the morning just to watch something. But that's the thing, being in the same time zone sometimes make me feel like I HAVE to watch that thing live because, why not? Why wait? Not shy to admit that I once watched a live programme in the middle of work but I made sure I finished what needed to be done. I think so long as we don't let these livestream schedules run our lives, there's no harm in camping for them.
11. Watch c entertainment
I am one of those who used to pass over Chinese productions, simply because it's a Chinese production. Not in a scoffing manner but I'm just genuinely not interested in them nor the celebs. I was more of a US/UK production kind of person, occasionally Korean/Japanese. Now, I'm learning to enjoy them although I just watch those with GGDD in them. No energy to follow other Chinese celebs anyway. The other programme I'm contemplating watching even if it doesn't have them in it is Who's the Murderer (GG was only in one of the cases) cos I like the premise. On the flip side, now my sis and partner keep making fun of me cos to them, all I do now is "watch China shows". That is so not true. Or is it?
12. Write fan mail
I wrote a letter to GG once. A long-ass letter. I hope he read it. That's all I'm gonna say. 🙈 hahahahaha
13. Desire to visit China
China was never on my list of to-visit places. Just wasn't interested. I have been to Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou a few times in the past for work but even then, I never felt the urge to revisit for leisure. Now, I wanna visit GG and DD's home town, visit Chongqing to see the graffiti wall with Bobii Zanbii on it, eat mala hotpot and try out their sauce recipe, attend BXG events, dine at the CQL restaurant... Watching TTXS also made me realise that there are many beautiful places in China with natural landscapes and all that. I used to be clouded by my disdain for the regime and some behaviour of its citizens but now, I recognise that the country is separate from the regime or a smaller group of poorly behaved citizens. China is a beautiful country and I would love to visit some day. I will fly over immediately on my own if someone gives me tix to ADLAD!!
Well, I hope some of these things resonate with you. Feel free to share the OOC things that Yizhan made you do.
Once again, Happy BXG Day! 🐢💛🐆🐇🐷🌶🦁🍑🐶🍍🛹🎋
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Quartet Night: Love letters
Annnnnd these are the love letters written for Quartet Night!!!
Please enjoy under the cut~
REIJI KOTOBUKI
From Anon:
I've always been drawn to characters with complex (and fairly dark) personalities, so liking Rei-chan was honestly inevitable for me.
He looks like a very bright and cheerful character at first, which he is, but sometimes that part of him is a little misleading because, in actuality, he's a character that holds a lot of negative feelings about himself due to a past that he can't seem to move on from. He holds a lot of those feelings to himself because he doesn't want to burden anyone else with them. He's a reliable, cunning, and ultimately selfless character that chooses to shoulder a lot on his own out of his infinite care for others, and perhaps a secret sense of atonement, all hidden behind his bright demeanor and goofy smile, and it's endlessly interesting to me.
Besides the duality of his personality, he has a lot of other endearing quirks to love about him. He loves his mom a lot and is a mama's boy. His old-man jargon and catchphrases never fail to amuse (I still can't get over the way he says "my girl"). His obsession with anything even remotely British is something my APH England phase can relate to. His style of music brings a lot of pleasant feelings of nostalgia for me, and his pretty voice suits them a lot. And most of all he's just a very good boy overall. I rate 99999 out of 10 would love and support him and also maybe pay for his therapy because god knows he needs it. Happy anniversary!!
From another anon:
Would you like to hear a story? You do? Very well then, may this story be one you enjoy.
What do I like about Reiji kotobuki? A Lot of things actually!
Well, I've always really liked Reiji as a character as he seemed to be one of the more interesting characters to me, due to how complex he is with his backstory and general just personality.
I have always really enjoyed how Reiji just solves problems too? Like he is just such an outgoing person who deserves all the support!!!
Like the best word I can use for Reiji is just, unique. Everything about him is just so Reiji. From the way he talks, to his nicknames or even his texting style. Like have you seen how many people use emoticons when texting as Reiji? It's just so him.
I like his way of thinking too! I feel like some of the interactions in the games are just so interesting, just seeing Reiji’s point of view. How he deals with a sort of survivor’s guilt and all of that.
Personally, some of my most memorable roleplaying moments were watching a Reiji rper in action, like just seeing them interact and flow so seamlessly with the other characters was just so fascinating to wee baby rper me. Such a large part of playing Reiji is just how you flow with the people around you and comedic timing. I have so many funny moments where Reiji was just interacting with people and it was just so inspirational (?) like I couldn't stop the smile on my face. I had learnt alot from them. I still consider them my roleplaying senpai almost! I don't talk to them anymore but I really had an amazing time just seeing their spin on the character.
I don't find him to be a romantic partner towards me nor do I see any of the characters in that light, but I've always found Reiji as such a personal character. Not even just towards me, like even with other utapri stans. The most relatable character always seems to be Reiji.
I've always been pretty similar in many aspects to him and I often find myself relating to him in numerous ways like his vibe is just relatable! I have often found myself trying to make other people laugh and have fun that many times I'm spreading myself thin and feel unappreciated...Reiji really helped with that.
This is where i start getting into the really personal stuff LOL feel free to skip if you dont wanna hear the angsty backstory.
I had really come to love Reiji when I had just...hit a low. I had a group of friends who I enjoyed hanging out with and just talking to, but they weren't very good friends per say. I often had to schedule every activity we did and I spent days and nights trying to think of concepts that might be fun. They took it for granted.. I had spent 4 months trying to make a game for them, and they had constantly pushed back times that we would play it. Using excuses to not play it, without telling me out right what they did not like or even why. The site I used was later taken down without notice and thus I had lost all my progress. Later, they had mentioned how they would like to play it except that later ended up being two years later. I really wish I could've solved things with that friend group like Quartet Night did but that didn't happen. That is when I started seeing things Reiji’s way? Not to say that it was the same or similar scenario to Reiji but I had just associated it with him.
RANMARU KUROSAKI
From Anon:
Ran is such a fun character! He sounds like a "rough outside, soft inside" kind of character, but his roughness is more like an integral part of him and it's through it that he shows he cares rather than setting it aside. That's what made me want to rp him. I also like how he is such a strong guy who's always determined to do his best in everything he does despite so much having gone wrong in his past. And it's very satisfying to see him form bonds and start to trust people.
From @mikaze-san:
Originally, my favourite Utapri boy was Ai, and it had been the robot boy for several years upon entering the fandom. In fact, it only switched to Ranmaru sometime late last year but regardless, I would still die for this man. Part of the reason why I switched is because I’ve always been a fan of Suzuki Tatsuhisa and I have a huge bias towards any man who wears nail polish without fearing being “feminine” because fuck gender roles.
As someone who studies fashion, I think Ranmaru is very coordinated and confident when it comes to portraying himself that way. He knows he’s not very good at expressing his emotions and utilises his passion for rock and playing the bass to portray those feelings through his songs. It’s also incredibly inspiring to know that he bounces back from pretty much anything considering his backstory and the stuff he deals with in the game/anime.
But my main reason for loving Ranmaru so much stems from the fact that I admire him a lot and want to be more like him. For a long time last year, I got to roleplay as Ranmaru in a few Utapri groups and through those experiences, I gained a better understanding and appreciation of the characters that I wrote for. In some weird way, by highlighting his flaws, character progression and how he dealt with different emotions, I ended up providing insight into how I dealt with similar issues by looking at them from a 3rd person perspective.
I used to be very shy and was very shut off from friends and family, and due to this I’ve always admired people in my life or fictional characters that are so confident in being who they are. Ranmaru particularly struck that chord in me because his bluntness knows no end. He’s very opinionated and doesn’t fear confrontation, in most cases being the one to provoke it. He speaks his mind openly without being overly anxious of the consequences. This is something that I feel is especially relevant today with being your authentic/unapologetic self is such a trend.
It’s something I’ve also noticed with having met people in or outside of this fandom, the notion of idolising a fictional character containing traits that we want to see in ourselves. Which made me think about a lot of my favourite kinds of characters which at the end of the day all boil down to sharing one similar trait: Being a bitch.
And in Utapri, Ranmaru embodies that. So naturally it’s very easy for me to idolise him.
(Tldr: I like his bitchy attitude.)
AI MIKAZE
From Arashi:
It's hard to put into words why I love Ai Mikaze, perhaps it's because I'm subconsciously drawn to him, maybe it's because his hair and eyes are my favorite color, maybe it's because his voice is that of an angels, there are many reasons why I love him. I couldn't tell you a definite, "These one or two reasons are the entire reason I love him", but I'll try to sum it up.
I grew to love him by admiring his personality, his smile, his determination to reach his goals, everything about him made me happy. He's strict and a little scary at times, but when he sees people caring for him, he becomes happy and in a way, sentimental. He's not sure how to explain the way he feels, but he tries. I think I admire how he holds all the little things precious to his heart as he learns about them, and he wants to understand how to care for others and how they care for them in return. Even after six years, he still remains the most dear to me. I think that he now has a sentimental value to me, because even if I 'loved' another character more for a while, I will always come back to Ai. Ai deserves the world, and I'd give it to him if I could. He'll always be special to me, and I think that he very much deserves that.
From Maronda:
My love for Ai started after I found Shining Live by chance and started to play. At first I wasn't particularly attached to any of the characters and decided to go back and watch the anime to maybe remember some context other than who Starish was. When I got to the episode focused on Ai and his "secret" I was absolutely thrown off by it all. I ended up feeling like I had so many questions and I knew that the anime would give me little to no answers, so I frequently turned to rambling on the internet about it. Eventually, this fixation on weird things about him seemed to turn into a clear fondness for him, and friends made me realize just how much I liked him. Knowing the cold and often strange aspects of his personality was due to something out of his control was something I resonated with as someone on the autism spectrum. He reminded me of some of the ways I used to think and behave.
I also began to notice other things I loved about him. Things like how soothing I found his voice, the pleasant shade of light blue in his hair and eyes, how ridiculously pretty he is... but the best things are the endearing parts of his personality. Though he's somewhat harsh, he's still entirely genuine. His curiosity is absolutely precious and his occasional awkwardness in expressing emotion or understanding the emotions of others made me empathize with him. And if you look at the Ai in Shining Live and compare it to the Ai in the anime and games... he really has changed a lot and grown as a person. He now seems so much gentler and understanding, and he clearly values the friendships he has now too! I think he's a wonderful character and ever since friends of mine encouraged me to selfship I've essentially been in love with him, but it also makes me happy to see other people appreciate him for other reasons as well. He's just so lovable!
CAMUS
From @uta-no-fakku-sama:
At the very beginning of my UtaPri interest, Camus never really caught my attention. That is until he became my first My Only Prince UR. I’ve come to appreciate him a lot more ever since, and now he’s become my favorite QUARTET NIGHT member! Along the way, I learned more about him and realized he’s one of the more complicated characters to understand. Nonetheless, I absolutely adore him. I tend to tease and make fun of him a lot, but deep down I truly do like him a whole bunch!
From @/waddamaloooon on twt:
A little Camus appreciation post
(alternatively known as; how this guy managed to harshly take my heart and step on it like the gumin I am.)
Hello, this is Suikamaru, here to share a tiny story of why I, and eventually you, love Camus Rondo Cryzard.
At first glance, his looks appealed to me, but not his behavior (and ironically enough, his voice) so I didn't bat an eye on him. I've always been on a neutral leaning to dislike opinion on Camus, which is quite understandable because have you SEEN the way he acts. Unfathomable.
…..To a Young Suikamaru, that is.
I've grown, so naturally I've changed preferences regarding characters, ikemen, and who to stan and who to avoid like the plague. I will lie if I said that I expected to like that blonde confectionery devouring machine at any point of my life.
But it did happen so who are we fooling here.
It dawned on me that Camus is the type of character that you cannot appreciate unless you go in depth into his lore, backstory, and see him for who he really is. Because then everything else will make sense. And that never happened in my case until I started roleplaying as him.
I realized that he's not just a two faced, sweet toothed mean man. He's a perfectionist, someone who's always been raised since his childhood days to be nothing less than complete, who has locked on his heart and emotions to devote himself completely to the purpose given to him. He has the looks and brains for what though? He should be a little stupid honestly.
But his intelligence gave him the complexity that he just needed for his characteristics. Because as aforementioned, he's not someone to easily like or fall in love with. And I think that's quite rare in characters, and very much appreciated due to the fact it gives the fans a chance to not actually stay on a flat level of knowledge regarding their favorite characters.
I've slowly started to see myself in some aspects of him, which was the number one factor of liking him. Then came the Maeno magic when I realized Camus shares the same VA as another character that I love as well. (Hamelin, from SinoAlice.) From then, everything went downhill.
In a good way. I think..
Well, that is all from me, please read about this handsome man and appreciate his hard work both as an individual and as an idol. There is SO much to him that's p much overlooked and I'm getting broke from spending my money on his living expenses rent free in my head. Take him off my head.
#utapri#utanoprincesama#uta no prince sama#Reiji kotobuki#Kotobuki reiji#Ranmaru kurosaki#utapri camus#ai mikaze#mikaze ai#quartet night
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Hey I was wondering what does seeing heart shape everywhere and all the time mean!!???
Hello There! It sounds like you may be experiencing a synchronicity in seeing hearts everywhere and all the time. This is going to be another long post. Before we get into some possible meanings, let’s chat for a bit about what a synchronicity is and isn’t. That way we can be sure to practice using our discernment when synchronicities are involved, and make informed and empowering choices. To be clear though, seeing symbols (repeating numbers, images like hearts, names etc) isn’t bad or dangourous. It is, however, always a good idea to look at many possible avenues before deciding what something means and then acting on it. Also for the record, I’ll be discussing synchronicities through the lense of tarot since that’s what I primarily work with and know well. Just something to keep in mind for anyone reading this.
⭐️ Google defines a synchronicity as “the simultaneous occurrence of events which appear significantly related but have no discernible causal connection.” This is a pretty good definition, but when people talk about seeing signs everywhere, they are often referring to the more recent and occult definition.
⭐️ In the world of the occult (which in some capacity encompass witchcraft, paganism, the New Age movement and alternative spirituality), synchronicities have taken on a significance beyond their original definition. Nowadays, we tend to see anecdotes of people noticing repeating symbols showing up, such as repeating numbers, letters, images like hearts, certain animals or even songs. Seeing these things over and over again is often interpreted as being a special sign from the universe or from spirit guides, or angels or any higher power that we hope to communicate with. As such, synchronicities can hold special meanging for the recipients. Very much like tarot, synchronicities have become a way to communicate with the unseen world of spirit and the subconscious.
⭐️ The word “synchronicity” actually hasn’t been around for that long. It was coined in the 1950’s by the psychologist Carl Jung to describe what he referred to as “meaningful coincidences”. I’ve linked some reading below if you’d like to learn some more about this. In a nutshell, Jung believed that a synchronicity was part of a deep and complex psychological process that could provide information on an individual’s subconscious and emotional experience. The idea that synchronicities were messages from Spirit guides, angels or deities was perhaps alluded to, but not explicitly part of Jung’s work.
⭐️ Today, we can use synchronicities as waymarkers of sorts. Think of them as the awake and conscious version of dream symbolism. Seeing something over and over again may trigger certain emotions or remind you of something important. The difficult thing about seeing repeating symbols everywhere is that no one else will be able to accurately interpret them for you. They are only meaningful because your mind has created emotional and/or sensory attatchments to them. For example, smelling vanilla might trigger someone’s memory of baking with grandma. This is an example of a sensory attachment that has meaning for an individual because the scent of vanilla is encoded into their memory by a particular experience.
🌟 What a synchronicity is:
A form of symbolism. Thinking through the lense of tarot, we can interpret synchronicities in a similar way. More on that in a bit. It’s important to keep in mind that all symbolism is subjective and individualistic. Because groups of people share culture and language, there is some general overlap (like a rose representing love), but the truest interpretation will always be a personal one.
An affirmation - Seeing synchronicities can affirm that we are in the right path or in the right place. They do this by helping us recall important experiences that remind us of certain qualities, goals or states that we want to achieve.
A message from Spirit, Angels or a Higher Power - This is the common belief. If your spiritual path includes some of these elements and you seek confirmation or messages through symbolism, then it’s possible that a synchronicity could be a message. This won’t be the case for everyone or all the time though. A message recieved through synchronicity or symbolism is also likely to be guidance or affirmation, rather than hard facts. We should always use our discernment when working with synchronicity in this way.
🌟 What a synchronicity isn’t:
A demand from Spirit, spirit guides or a higher power. You are never obligated do do anything when you notice synchronicities beginning to appear in your life. Instead, you can reflect on them. What might they mean in the moment that you notice them? What messages are they trying to convey.
A dire warning. Sometimes I see things floating around the internet about predicting death or serious illness, etc. These kinds of concerns are best addressed with a licensed medical professional. If you have a worry about something, seeing a synchronicity might prompt you to get it checked out with your doctor, but a synchronicty is not a diagnosis.
Universal. Synchronicities are unique and meaningful only to the recipient. While we can generalize and compare similar experiences to generate some possible interpretations, nothing will be truer than an individual’s own personal interpretation. Essentially, you know yourself best. No one else can tell you about your thoughts better than you. It is wise to use some caution here because it’s quite common for unscrupulous “psychics” to charge quite a bit of money to interpret synchronicities for other people. I’m not saying that all tarot readers and psychics who talk about synchronicities are scam artists, but there are definitely some who are. Be discerning in your selection if you go that route. Also be careful with symbolism dictionaries and interpretation guides. There’s nothing inherently wrong with them, but they may not be 100% accurate for you. If you are able to, it’s actually better (and cheaper) to create your own personal symbolism guide.
🌟 How to interpret synchronicities as symbolism.
Like tarot, symbols are a type of visual language. The most useful and meaningful interpretation is always going to be one that you create yourself. This isn’t a glamorous and magical answer, but it’s true. It also might take a bit of digging to uncover. Scott Cunningham’s book, Dreaming the Divine, outlines this process nicely for dream symbolims. I will briefly describe how to create your own personal symbolism dictionary here.
Think of what thoughts, emotions and/or physical sensations arise when you see a heart. Write this down. What words do you associate with “hearts”? Make a list and write those down too. Don’t worry if they don’t make sense. Write down everything that comes up.
Next, you’ll need to spend some time taking inventory of every time you see a heart. This doesn’t need to be fancy. You can even use the voice notes app on your phone. Every time you see a heart, make note of what you were doing and what you were thinking about in that moment. What emotions do you experience before and after noticing the heart. Write everything down.
Compare your notes from steps 1 and 2. Where do you see overlap? Make a venn diagram if this is is helpful. Otherwise, make a list. The places where both notes intersect is where you will find meaning.
🌟 Heart Symbolism
Sometimes we need a little boost to get started. I also recognize that you probably weren’t asking me to ramble on for a million years about synchronicities, and are hoping for some nice, solid info. (Sorry about that. I do have a tendency to go overboard in the explanation department.) Here are some of my personal interpretations of heart symbolism that I’ve put together after years of reading tarot. Please keep in mind that these might not work for everyone. Some are generalized and others are personal. You are welcome to use them if they resonate.
Hearts can represent: 💕
Love & Relationships
Something that you are passionate about
Something that is secret or guarded (close to the heart)
Someone’s innermost desires or feelings
A secret admirer
The core or foundation of something/the reason for something’s existence
Deeply felt or raw emotions
Connection and Empathy
Vulnerability or that someone is easily wounded by words. Sensitivity.
A wound. May be literal or metaphorical.
🌟 Sources & Links
Synchronicities: A Sure Sign You’re on the Right Path. An article from Psychology Today. Describes synchronicities as symbols of affirmation.
Synchronicity: Definition and Meaning. An article from Live Science. Goes into some of Carl Jung’s ideas and presents an opposing perspective.
Dreaming the Divine by Scott Cunningham - Not specifically about synchronicities, but addresses the subjectivity of symbolism and suggests that our own personal interpretations are more meaningful.
The Call of Intuition: How to Recognize & Honor Your Intuition, Instinct & Insight by Kris Franken - This book is about creating an empowering state of awareness for yourself and discusses how to follow the voice of your own intuition. A great starting point for anyone interested in developing stronger intuitive abilities.
#synchronicity#symbolism#witchblr#witch community#witchcraft#star responds#asks#witchy asks#carl jung#intuition
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eps3.2legacy.so from the eyes of an autistic person
Overall this episode was interesting, but I'm not going to be talking about the episode as a whole. It's been a while since I first watched the episode at this point or even rewatched it for that matter but I've been wanting to make this post for a little while now. And bear with me, I've never done a post like this and I tend to ramble a lot. I'm also not that great at times with articulating my thoughts so I apologise ahead of time if this feels disorganized or jumbled and doesn't make sense.
The scene in particular I wanna talk about is the interrogation scene with Tyrell and Mr. Williams. And holy shit was it stressful. I know it was supposed to be considering the circumstances but to someone with sensory issues and anxiety... That was literal pain for me. Especially the constant noises from the kettle getting constantly louder and louder to add intensity to the scene. That was pure hell. Another thing that got me was Mr. Williams' constant "don't look away, look at me" comments.
And he does it a total of three times but it was enough for even me to be absolutely done with this guy. I know it was his job and he did it incredibly well because he got what he wanted but still. Coming from a household where I am often times scolded for not making eye contact with people when they're talking to me was so uncomfortable to the point where I couldn't even look at this guy's face anymore. Now like I said earlier, did a good job and he accomplished what he was there for. But from an autistic viewpoint, it was horrible. Which brings me to my next point in this post.
Autistic Tyrell Wellick.
At this point it's probably no secret that I headcanon Tyrell as autistic whether it's projecting purposes or not. In this scene he repetitively shows signs of distress and several times repeats "this is enough".
I know it was meant more along the lines of Tyrell not wanting to admit the truth but that scene always seems to resonate with me on how I feel when I'm getting overstimulated. I don't wanna talk and no matter how many times the statement or question is repeated it will only make how I feel worse.
I probably would've let this scene slide if it weren't for the fact that he also shows signs of pain without physically being hurt. He constantly gives pained expressions, looks away, even slams his hands on the table at one point, and keeps telling Mr. Williams that it's enough. This is usually how my sensory issues show through when they're bugging me a bit too much in certain moments.
To see a character have issues like this other than Elliot surprised me. Way before I got into the fandom I had heard about how Elliot acted and I would be a liar if I said I didn't originally start watching it because I was desperate for autistic coded characters, even if they weren't canonically autistic. Elliot was gonna be that rep for me and he still is.
But then I saw Tyrell doing a lot of the same things I do whether it was in 3x03 or in other episodes. I related to Tyrell in certain aspects just as much as I did Elliot. Autism is a spectrum and in the case of these two they are definitely different and fit into this. Often times I'm a lot like Elliot when I can't or don't want to mask but more often than not I'm overlooked because of how much I mask. I see that aspect of myself in Tyrell.
I'm starting to get a little off topic but I want to address that I had that headcanon before I got to season 3 but that episode solidified my headcanon. But to attempt and circle back to my main point I'd like to say that I feel Tyrell exhibits a lot of autistic traits but he often gets overlooked because he seemingly can "function well" in most social situations. And to have 3x03 to include such an intense scene like that was definitely painful but it means a lot. I know it sounds stupid, but it does in its own odd way.
In no way am I saying Tyrell is canonically autistic nor am I saying you should headcanon this, I just wanted to share my take on him. In a world where society seems to think you're a burden for being any kind of different, I think it's good that people like me find solace in characters they can relate to.
This has been stuck in my head ever since I first thought of it and the only way to positively help was to slap it into a Tumblr post and hope it made sense. And if you made it this far, thank you so much for putting up with my bullshit 😂
#autism hc#actuallyautistic#my gif#mr robot#tyrell wellick#autistic tyrell wellick#eps3.2legacy.so#mr robot 3x03#ableism mention
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GX Month Day 18: This Wasn't in the Rule Book
@gxmonth
Ao3 Version Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33473653/chapters/83310418
Why yes, it's prompt bending time! Wish this day came a bit later into the month so it was closer to the release date of Duel World ARC-V but, oh well, what can ya do?
...Oops, looks like I spoiled the chapter. Yes, this year's AU prompt also doubles as a celebration of ARC-V coming to Duel Links, and it's probably the one prompt I'm most excited to write because hoo boy I've been waiting for this moment for sooooo long! 8D
~~~~~
"Manual Reboot Successful. Initiate Sign-Up Process? "
..
"Initiating Sign-Up Process. Establishing Connection...Please Enter WORLD_ID."
..
"Response Recorded. Initiating Connection to WORLD_ID SERIES6..."
"..ERROR. Failed to Connect to WORLD_ID SERIES6. Continue Sign-Up Process and Retry?"
..
"Response Recorded. Continuing Sign-Up Process."
..
"Response Recorded. Aborting Connection to WORLD_ID SERIES6...Connection Aborted"
..
"...Sing-Up Process Completed. Initiating Log-In Sequence..."
..
..
..
"ERROR."
-----------
Yuuma sat by the river, waiting for something big to happen.
He knew he wasn't support to be there. Tour Guide hade explicitly told everyone to not get close to the Gate during new world maintenance, but being his curious self, he guiltlessly ignored the warning. Why? Because of the aforementioned new world, of course!
From what he knew about it -which wasn't much, but Juudai-senpai had been rambling about all the different Duelists, Decks and weird game mechanics that they might see for two weeks straight and that sort of gave him a general idea-, this new world thing was a pretty big deal in Duel Links, and with it being so covered up, Yuuma was all too hyped to see what it was like for himself, consequences be damned.
He'd tried world-switching to no avail, as he sebsequently found out that the game wasn't only staggering log-outs, it was also staggering travelling through Duel Worlds for however long he was stuck here. He'd tried asking everyone he knew about it over his D-Gazer too, but that didn't work, and neither did begging a sleepy Kaito to try and hack the game for more info..
..Which led back to him sitting by the river, kicking his legs back and forth as Emperor's Key swayed in the morning breeze, dangling from the string in his hand while he kept waiting, waiting, and waiting some more...
"Yuuma?"
"Eek!" The Xyz Duelist practically jumped five feet into the air upon hearing his name being called, thoughts racing in frantic circles as he turned to see someone approaching...then immediately relaxing when he realized exactly who that someone was.
"Three!"
Michael Arclight smiled, waving gently as he tottered to the river bank and sat down next to Yuuma, who sighed in relief at knowing he wasn't in grave trouble for getting caught near the Gate. The two traded greetings, then settled into silence as they gazed at the horizon, at the clear sky and rising sun of their Duel World's landscape. If it were him, Michael would be content with just staying like that and admiring the view, but the ball of excitement next to him wasn't about to share that sentiment anytime soon.
"Sooooooo..." Yuuma began "What are you gonna do today?"
"Hm? What do you mean?" His friend gave him a puzzled look, and Yuuma made a broad gesture with his arms in response, as if that was supposed to mean something.
"You know, about the, uh, the new world? Are you gonna visit that? Duel people there? I don't know what to expect from it to be honest, it's the first time for us and I'm reeaally excited and also curious and I can't wait to see what will happen...but we can't find out anything before the maintenance ends, and it looks like it's gonna take a while and I'm getting bored so, what are you gonna do?"
Michael hummed thoughtfully, glancing at his Duel Disk "Well, I was thinking of waiting until things settled down before doing anything about all of this. A game this big can get quite unstable with such a huge update, you know? That's why I came here anyway, and..." the pink-haired Duelist blushed faintly "..I may or may not have decided to ignore what Guide-san said about the Gate in the process. Please don't tell anyone I was here?"
"Don't worry, my lips are sealed." Yuuma said, mimicking a zipper sound as he ran two fingers along his lips for effect "No one will ever know of your super classified one-time incident of breaking the law...not that that law made sense anyway. I mean, COME ON..."
Michael giggled, listening as Yuuma launched into a full-on rant about how meaningless them 'closing' the Gate area was. He wasn't exactly wrong though; if it was about as dangerous as Guide said, surely there would be some obstacle or lock to stop people from getting too close, right? Surely she wouldn't just count on everyone to not be reckless enough to ignore her, right? Unless...
Unless the error she's dealing with here might cause serious backlash if she tried inputting a new command that also interacts with the Gate, in which case-
Any other thought that would have followed that trail instantly vanished when the Gate suddenly exploded with blue light, and in that moment, Michael's world went quiet.
-----------
"Unacceptable! This is unacceptable! I have a fucking job interview in two hours, how am I supposed to get ready in time for that??"
Yuusei sighed, running a hand through his already mussed hair for what was probably the eighth time in thirty minutes. Tour Guide's sudden announcement of an emergency maintenace -one that somehow overlapped with the new world's- had put everyone on edge, even more so after they found out they couldn't log out until it was over. As a result, every single Duelist currently in the 5D's World had gathered at the Deck Editor and unanimously decided to wait out the maintenance period there...but some of them weren't particularly happy about being stuck in the game for however long it took.
Chief of those was Jack, who kept pacing next to the table Team 5D's and co. clustered around, all while throwing several uncharitable insults at Guide, Isono, Kaiba, and basically everyone affliated with the Duel Links staff.
"Why do they have to keep messing up every time they launch one of those new words?? I swear, if I see any of those little-"
Carly instinctively covered her ears when the Resonator Duelist let out a particularly nasty swear, and Crow shot him a miffed glare from behind. Yuusei sighed again, then slowly pushed himself out from his chair to rest a hand on Jack's shoulder.
"Jack, please go get a cup of coffee and cool down." He said in an uncharacteristically pleading, tired tone "We're all stuck here, we all have important things to do, and some of us haven't slept for twenty-six hours. It'd do everyone a lot of good if you stopped yelling at empty air for a while."
Jack crossed his arms and huffed, but forced himself to simmer down regardless.
"...Fine. I'll go get myself some coffee and 'cool down' or whatever, but not because you asked me to, it's because I need some fresh air." And with that, the former King of Duels strode out of the Studio, coat flapping dramatically in a gust of wind before he went completely out of view.
"Good riddance." Crow let his head drop on the table with a low thud, raising a thumbs-up in Yuusei's general direction, and while he normally wouldn't agree with that sentiment, the Synchro Duelist was currently grateful for the calmer atmosphere of the place, now that Jack was gone. He slid back into his chair, hoping to get some shut-eye to compensate for staying up for all of the night before...
"Guys, we have a problem."
...Or not. Yuusei looked up in time to see Bruno -No, stop it, that's Antinomy- dropping in the chair between him and a barely conscious Kiryuu, the computer in his hands flashing with several warning signs overlapping on top of strings of code, which kept appearing and disappearing at a seemingly random pace. This, the noiret decidedly thought, peering intently at the screen, definitely doesn't look good.
"The energy output is spiking around the Gate area and the ones close to it." Antinomy explained to no-one in particular, his usually passive face set in a stressed frown as he clicked away at the keyboard "It appears that whatever issue that caused this emergency maintenance has gone completely out of control, and while we don't know exactly what that means, compressing so much energy in a certain area, no matter how broad..."
"...is bound to make it blow up." Yuusei concluded, eyes widening as his mind caught up with the implication behind that "This means the Duel Studio and everyone in it will be affected if anything happens to the Gate."
Antinomy nodded "Exactly. It could be that someone is trying to log in, and that's why I'm asking you to go and- dammit!" He swore, fingers moving across the keyboard at a far more frantic pace when the computer let out a series of long, loud beeping sound. Yuusei was pretty sure he got whiplash from how fast he turned to see what was going on-
-but before he could register more than the word "ERROR" bolded in blue across the screen, he felt a shock of static, and then...nothing.
-----------
"Automated Reboot Successful. Log-In Sequence...Complete."
"Connecting to WORLD_ID SERIES2...Connection Successful."
"Linking with.."
"..Sakaki Yuuya."
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The first thing he felt when he came to was a gentle breeze tousling his hair, rays of sunshine lighting up his eyelids, and droplets of water spraying his face every couple seconds. It wasn't raining, that much he gathered, which meant that he'd most likely spawned near a fountain or a river, since there was no trace of the salty scent of seawater in the air.
Yuuya opened his eyes. Sure enough, there was a fountain to his left, its marble structure adorned with a ring of green leaves that carried all kinds of colourful flowers, water flowing from it center and from the sides. Pushing himself up, the tomato-haired Duelist looked around, taking in the rest of his current surroundings, and the first thing that caught his attention was a huge, round portal thingy that hovered in the air, with glowing lines of blue circuitry running through its silvery white perimeter.
That must be the Gate, he thought that's how I came here.
A bit further ahead was what seemed to be another portal, but this one was rectangular in shape, unlike the Gate's circle, and it was completely blue as well. Yuuya watched as the portal rotated in place slowly, the other side of it coming into view with the label 'Duel School' appearing on top of it. Curious, he reached out a hand to touch the portal...
...only to pull back immediately when the pixels forming it fizzled and crackled with electricity, shocking him.
"Ow ow ow ow ow!!" Yuuya clutched his stung hand with the other, hissing in pain at the contact before letting go of his hand. He sucked in deep breath then slowly exhaled, wiping the tears that formed at the corners of his eyes before turning away from the Duel School to keep walking (and to will away the sick, fleeting memory the shock had sparked for a moment).
Yeesh, that wasn't a great first interaction... he grimaced, waving his hand in the air in hopes that it would calm the stinging pain down But that doesn't mean I can't find something good if I keep looking. I wonder where all the other Duelists are.
The path he was walking down split into two at the end. Yuuya turned around, chancing one more look at the admittedly beautiful yet strangely desloate area he started in. He chalked its emptiness up to it being quite early in the morning...but then again, it wasn't morning for everyone around the world, so maybe it was just that the area was mainly used as a terminal, which would explain why he was the only one there...
Wait.
Wait.
He shouldn't be.
Switching his Duel Disk on with a quick swipe (which was an honestly stupid action in hindsight because damn his hand stung hard from that), Yuuya dialed the very first contact on his list, running the hand with the Disk strapped to it through bi-colored bangs and pushing them out of his face as the device rang once, twice, three times. Where was everyone else? He, Yuzu and Gongenzaka had logged in at the same time, and Sora had told them he'll jump in right after, so why was he the only one to come out of the Gate?
*Din-di-di-din, din-ding...Din-di-di-din, din-ding...Din-di-di-din-*
"Hello."
Yuuya blinked, then did a double take at the soft, young voice that came from the other end of the call. That...that wasn't Yuzu. He swallowed.
"..I'm sorry, who am I talking to?"
A few moments passed before the voice replied "My name is Sera. You must not recognize me, but please don't worry, the owner of this device is safe and sound, and if you wish to talk to her, she is here with me."
The line went silent then. Well, almost silent; Yuuya could hear bits of chatter and the sound of someone fiddling with the Duel Disk...before said someone decided to blast his eardrums full-force, like she always did.
"Yuuya! Where the heck are you?!" Yuzu cried out, and he found himself smiling at the familiar loudness "I've been looking for you everywhere!!"
He winced when her voice cracked on the last word, hand running through his hair again as he laughed nervously "Sorry, sorry! I...honestly don't entirely know where I am yet. Thought we'd start at the same place, but I guess we didn't..." He glanced around for any sort of landmark to pinpoint his position, then remembered where he came from at first and settled on that "Um, can you see the Gate? I'm standing close to it."
There was a beat of silence, then an audible sigh. "I see," Sera muttered at length "Sakaki-san, I think you have logged into a different Duel World than the one Hiiragi-san and I are in at the moment..because we're standing right in front of the Gate."
It took a full ten seconds for Yuuya's brain to register that, and when it did, all that came out of his mouth was a drawn-out "Whaaaaaaat??"
"...You skipped the rest of the tutorial, didn't you?" Yuzu's voice carried a hint of amusement and fondness, before assuming a more serious tone "Okay, look. If you check your Duel Disk, you'll find two arrows in a circle at the top left corner. Click that, and you'll get a list of the five different Duel Worlds in the game. Sera said that something happened before we came here that stopped everyone from travelling between those worlds, and apparently there was a sixth world that we were supposed to log into but didn't...anyway, the highlighted name will show you the world you're in. I'm in the fourth one right now..."
Yuuya listened as Yuzu explained what happened to her after logging into the Duel World, following her instructions all the while. A quick check told him that he was in the second world, the one labeled 'Duel World Series 2'. He nodded along his friends' words, and when she finished, he took yet another look at his surroundings.
"Alright, gotcha, I'm in the second world." He said, and it was then that he decided to head left "I guess I'll go take a look around the place, see if I can find out where everyone else is, and wait until we can all switch to the same world. It's great to hear you're alright, Yuzu. Take care!"
"Hey, that's my line!" She quipped in response, and Yuuya could practically hear the playful grin on her face "But seriously, I'm glad to know you're doing fine too. See you later, Yuuya."
And with that, the line went dead. Not even bothering to turn his Disk off, Yuuya broke into a quick jog, humming a cheerful tune to himself and grinning widely as he started rhyming the tune to his steps. Yuzu was fine, she was okay, they'll find each other soon enough and meet up with their friends, and they'll have tons of fun exploring the game, just as they planned.
Yeah, that's the spirit!
He only slowed down when the smooth, metallic path turned into dirt, patches of grass growing randomly in the way and on the sides, as well as a pair of trees and a few stray daisy bushes. A huge structure that felt so very out of place loomed ahead of him, its futuristic design and neon blue lines contrasting sharply with the simple greenery surrounding it, despite only being separated from that by a ring of gray tiles at the end of the dirt path. Upon closer inspection, there appeared to be a floating label above it that spelled out the words "Duel Studio", and a sliding door that opened on its own when Yuuya came close. The Pendulum Duelist stepped through-
"Ack!"
-and promptly crashed into a blur of black, stumbling backwards as a result. Leaning on the now-open door for support, Yuuya nursed his head with his free hand, letting out a small sigh before he looked up to check on whoever it was that he bumped into...and froze when he locked eyes with them.
That shade of gold was...familiar.
Yuuya's eyes widened, and the brunette facing him mirrored the action for a split second, before his shock faded into a passive scowl that clashed with his fluffy, Kuriboh-like hair. Yuuya opened his mouth to say something, he wasn't sure exactly what, but the taller male turned back to the Duel Studio, subtly motioning for him to come along, and whatever it was that he wanted to say went out of the window.
"Follow me." His voice -slow, deep and clear- carried a distinctly authoritative tone as he strode ahead, and after a moment of apprehension, Yuuya found himself trailing behind. The guy looked like he knew where he was going, and didn't exactly seem opposed to talking to him, which meant he could possibly get some answers to the pile of questions building up in his head, and well, weird gut feelings aside, that was actually a good thing.
The two sat at a round, red table in a distant corner, and then just...stared at each other. Yuuya waited for the Kuriboh-haired Duelist -at least, he guessed he was a Duelist, judging by the strange custom model of a Duel Disk on his left arm- to say something, anything, but nothing came out, and he wasn't sure exactly how to start the conversation, so...he kept waiting.
"............"
And waiting.
"............"
And waiting.
"............"
And waiting.
"............"
And then decided that was enough waiting. "Umm...are you even gonna say anything?" Yuuya asked after a full four minutes, half expecting to get no response..
..but the guy actually rolled his eyes at him, like he'd asked a stupid question or something "What are you expecting me to say?"
Huh. Okay, this man was kinda bad at conversing. Yuuya held back a sigh, plastered on a smile instead, and tried again.
"Hmm, how about an introduction? That sounds like a good start." He held out a hand "Nice to meet you, I'm Sakaki Yuuya. And you are..?"
The brunette's stared moved to Yuuya's outstretched hand, then back to his eyes...and then he sighed, holding his own hand to his temples as he mumbled something in a foreign language Yuuya couldn't make out (but assumed was an exasperated statement, based on the tone of what came next).
"Dear Lord, why is it that every single one of them turns out to be a child?"
"Huh?"
"You can see Duel Spirits," He said, pointing at Yuuya. It wasn't even a question, just a factual statement he threw as casually as someone discussing the weather forecast "and you most likely have a special bond with at least one of your cards, that may even go as far as your very soul being bound to it. Is that correct?"
A few moments passed in silence, and then: "How did you-"
"I knew that was the case. Listen to me, Sakaki Yuuya; I do not know the exact extent of your knowledge about the nature of this world, or that of the darkness you possess, but know this-" gold eyes narrowed dangerously, and Yuuya flinched in spite of himself "Duel Links is not just a game. There are greater forces behind the creation of the Duel Worlds, ones that can tamper with your memories and thoughts, even call back beings that were supposed to be gone forever and link different dimensioms. Your status as a Legendary Duelist means you are directly involved in everything that might happen in the new world, so proceed with caution, or prepare to deal with the consequences."
Yuuya reeled back in his chair, face going white. He stared down at his pendulum, gripping its dimly glowing crystal tightly in his hands -had it been doing that for a while? He had no idea. His head was starting to feel light, his throat got all choked up, and he was sure he'd be shaking if not for how tense his muscles were. What- what had he gotten himself into? If he'd known it was more than a game, if he'd known they'd be thrown in the middle of crossfire again-
Deep breaths, Yuuya, deep breaths.. He told himself before he got too lost in thought, inhaling sharply. Calm down, let it out slowly, relax.....yeah, there we go.
"Why are you telling me this?" The teen asked once he was certain his mini-panic attack was over, and he must've been imagining things because he could swear he saw a ghost of a smile on the other's face when he replied.
"In all honesty," he began slowly, the edge to his voice almost completely gone "I have had enough interdimensional conflict to last me a lifetime, and I would really rather not deal with any more of it if I can. I assume you understand where I'm coming from here?"
Yuuya hummed absently, and that seemed to be a satisfying answer to the brown-haired Duelist, who pushed himself out of his seat and turned to leave, but not without allowing himself another final sentence.
"Very well then. For your own sake, as well as everyone you may care about, I hope you're actually smart enough to follow my warning. Until we meet again...or not."
And with that, he walked away, disappearing behind the staircase to the right. As soon as he went out of sight, Yuuya let his head fall down on the table with an unceremonious flump!, making some inchoerent noises when the sound of some lady announcing the end of the 'Maintenance Break' blasted over the intercom above his head, and he became distantly aware of other voices and some footsteps sounding not too far from him.
*tap*
Alright, so he and everyone else have basically jumped into yet another grand scheme that caused conflict across different dimensions, but this time the stakes weren't as clear as in the Interdimensional War.
*tap-tap*
The thought was admittedly daunting, and he was a hundred percent sure no-one he knew would like to go through something like that again..
"Oi."
But on the bright side, it seemed that they weren't the only ones dealing with this sort of thing, which meant they could easily find many allies in the different Duel Worlds...yeah, if they kept an eye out, they should be all right-
"Oi!"
Yuuya's head snapped up when he realized someone was calling out to him, and when he looked up, he was greeted with the smiling face of..
"You again??"
..the same Kuriboh-haired Duelist?
"Sorry, what?"
Yuuya did a double take. Yeah, no, that wasn't him; the eyes were colored soft brown instead of hollow gold, and he was wearing a red jacket instead of a black robe too- Yuuya mentally scolded himself for overlooking the differences (but also found it somewhat funny because, you know, he had to deal with this kind of confusion more than once before).
"Nevermind, I think I confused you for someone else. My bad." He gave the red-jacketed brunette a sheepish grin, gesturing at the empty chair opposite to his, then watching as he placed his also strange custom model of a Duel Disk on the side of the table before sitting down himself, fiddling with the device all the while. Even the way he composed himself was different; this guy felt far more lax and chill compared to the other one, and it made Yuuya relax a bit in turn, the silence that stretched between them feeling more comfortable.
"So, let me guess..." Red Jacket began a bit later, leaning a bit forward with a curious glint in his eyes "You're one of the new kids?"
A small nod "You can say that, I guess. I'm Yuuya, and you?"
"Yuuki Juudai. Pleased to meet you, kiddo- wait, I can call you kiddo, right?"
"Sure, unless you're somehow younger than me, which I doubt because of the..height difference."
Juudai smiled again "Aight, kiddo it is then. I gotta say though, I'm impressed you managed to switch worlds that fast. Took me a whole week to realize that was even a thing."
He laughed, and Yuuya chuckled with him. "Actually.." he said afterwards, rubbing the back of his neck with a small, bashful smile "A friend told me about it, and I couldn't even use it when I first arrived. Something about an error happening with the new world and shutting down the whole game, I think? Yean, that locked out the switch thing for a while, and it stopped everyone from logging out too."
"Woah, for real?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Damn," Juudai slammed a hand down on the table "you sure had one heck of a first day, kiddo. Guide must be freaking out with all of this going on."
Yuuya blinked, confused "Guide?"
"Oh, you don't know her?" The older teen asked, quirking an eyebrow "She's, ah, the Duel Spirit of Tour Guide From the Underworld. Pretty much the one who manages this place, since the actual owner doesn't give a shit about the shenanigans happening around here, and she also runs the Duel School. You can go hit her up if you have any questions about the game; she's a great help for new players."
"A Duel Spirit..." Yuuya echoed quietly, stare moving down to the Deck slot of his Duel Disk. He closed his eyes for a moment, then looked up at Juudai and asked "So anyone can interact with them here? The spirits, I mean."
"Of course! It's part of the game's charm, y'know?" He answered, throwing a wink at Yuuya before continuing "Being able to hang out with all your monster friends, even if you might not see them in real life..I don't think anyone would pass up on something that cool."
The younger Duelist smiled at that, hand subconsciously touching the top of his Deck, which earned him several happy murmurs and a particularly loud roar as well "Yeah, that does sound pretty cool. I gotta try it sometime later."
"You totally should." Juudai agreed, taking out his own Deck and shuffling through it as he added "In the meantime...would you like a good ol' tabletop Duel? My old-ass relic of a Disk is being particularly laggy today, and I heard you had this cool summon mechanic with the backrow zones- what was it called again? Pendant? Pending?"
"It's Pendulum Summoning." Yuuya clarified, tentatively taking his Deck out of its slot when Juudai did the same "And uh, sure, I can show it to you if you want."
The brunette's smile turned into a wide grin as he whipped out a pair of folded game mats from his pocket and placed them on his and Yuuya's side of the table, putting each of their Decks on the far right before punching a fist in the air "Heck yeah! I'm finally the first to Duel the new kid with the new cards, this is gonna be a lot of fun!"
"Definitely!" He nodded, his own smile widening as he drew his starting hand with a little more flourish than necessary for a tabletop Duel- not that he really cared, what mattered at the moment was that, even if he was going to have to fight again later down the line, he was going to enjoy Dueling to the maximum as long as he could. No use worrying about the future, all he came here to do was have fun, and fun was he going to have.
Watch out, Duel Links, here I come..!
"LET'S DUEL!!"
~~~~~~~
THE END, finally. This, for whatever reason, took me three weeks to finish alongside the other prompts (okay actually Yuuya's POV slipped from me and I barely managed to end it where I did), and I couldn't even make it on time ffs. There goes my plans to deliver all chapters on time...but I at least hope you enjoyed reading.
...Oh yeah, you may have noticed by now that I left some loose ends here and there (like the conclusion of the chapter for the residents of Duel Worlds ZEXAL and 5D's, AKA those poor souls who got a mass reboot error and received no answers as to why), and to that I say...nothing. Yeah, you gotta wait a little while longer to see what happened to them after the reboot. That said, I shall now take my leave and return to the land of Ao3, see y'all on...someday by the end of the month, I guess.
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Unexpected Switch (Part Three)
Summary: Y/n struggles with the memories of the night at the club.
A/N: Well this is my longest part yet! I know there is a lot of dialogue especially in the first scene, but it is necessary. Also you will notice in this part that I have a strong dislike for JJ, we do not hate in this house, but I will do right by her character in the future just bare with me. I love AJ Cook so don’t get that confused. Also I mention something about the reader’s sexuality in this part just making it clear I support the LGBTQ community. I hope you enjoy! I am always open to suggestions or comments.
Part Two: https://90spumkin.tumblr.com/post/631081814828695552/unexpected-switch
Pairing: Spencer Reid/Fem! Reader
Warnings: Explicit language, panic attacks, and talk of mental health (if anyone is struggling with these things and need someone to talk to my inbox is always open. I to struggle with these things and hold no judgment).
Word Count: 2187
“What the hell! A sister? A twin at that.” I had started pacing the length of the table rambling to the curly haired doctor. I could feel his eyes following me, taking in every move I made. I stopped abruptly and looked at Dr. Reid, “I was adopted, but like there’s no way my parents would have known about there being another baby. If they had known they would have told me. Right?”
He looked so taken aback by my sudden focus on him that it took him a moment to register that I had spoken directly to him. He opened and closed his mouth several times like he was trying to string the right words together to answer my question sensibly.
I started pacing again realizing he did not have a good answer for me. “Also, why the hell am I still in this interrogation room? We’ve figured out I’m not the killer.” I run my hands through my hair tugging slightly out of frustration
“Could you sit down you’re making me anxious?”
My body broke out in goosebumps at the sound of the not so silent doctor’s voice. I stopped and turned, my body completely facing him, “What?”
“Could you sit – oh that was a rhetorical question.”, His eyes never left mine as I sat down due to his request.
“So, he does speak. I was starting to think you were mute.”, I tell him with a small smirk. He gives me a kind of intense look while leaning his elbows onto the table separating us.
“It would be very hard for me to do my job now wouldn’t it, y/n?” He said it with a small smile playing over his lips, and the way he said my name had me thinking things very unrelated to the conversation we were currently having.
“No, I guess you couldn’t.” I responded. I sat back in my chair and folded my arms over my chest and wondered if that was all the doctor was going to say to me during our time here.
He muttered something under his breathe while looking down at the table like it was the most interesting thing in the world, “Even though I have plenty of reasons to be selectively mute.”
I don’t think I was meant to hear him by the way his eyes snapped to mine when I said, “I feel like there’s story or two behind that statement.”
He just shakes his head not convincing me otherwise when the door opened and in stepped none other than- “Luke!” I said his name a little to enthusiastically, I was just so happy to see a familiar face. Not that Dr. Reid’s face had not had my thoughts distracted enough.
Luke just kind of chuckled when he greeted me back, “Hi y/n. I now realize how good of a disguise a lot of dirt can be.”
Pretty boy side eyed Luke while saying, “I still don’t understand how you didn’t recognize her; it couldn’t have been that good of a disguise.” His voice held. annoyance and a hint of some other emotion I couldn’t place
“Not everyone has an eidetic memory and an IQ of 187, Reid.” Luke responded. I just stared at Luke and then at the Doctor who had returned his gaze back to the table obviously not enjoying the attention being put on him. Well he just got 10 times hotter if that is even possible.
“Okay y/n we have kept you in here while we ran a profile on you before fully deciding if you were an accomplice or a victim in all of this.” Luke said all this without missing a beat. He quickly continued when he looked up from the files he had brought in and saw the displeased look on my face. “We couldn’t be sure until we ran every part of the profile with you in it. We now know that you are very much a victim, a victim to more than you realize.”
I had so many questions but before I could form the words Luke held up and finger hushing me. “We will explain everything in time, but first Dr. Reid is going to conduct a cognitive interview allowing you to explain more of what happened at the club. Then once Agent Prentiss has the approval, we will be taking this case back to Quantico.”
_______
After many heated phone calls between Agent Prentiss and the poor soul on the other end of the line; we were on the BAU’s private jet headed back to Quantico. I made a mental note not to get on the boss lady’s bad side.
I sat in the back of the plan alone staring out the window. I couldn’t help but to think about the memories that were unlocked during the cognitive interview that took place back in Massachusetts.
“Y/n close your eyes and think back to when you were at the bar and received the text message from your friends.” I closed my eyes and allowed Dr. Reid’s voice to transport me back to the previous night.
I could smell the alcohol and sweat from the people that surrounded me. I saw the text from my friend as clear as day. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up as a scream was let out across the club. I turned my head toward the sound and saw a woman stumbling back from the stairs that led up to the bathrooms. That was when all hell broke loose, and everyone was stumbling over each other trying to get to the exits at the front of the building. I started pushing my way through the stampede of people trying to reach where the scream resonated from. I knew someone had called 911 because I could hear the sirens in the distance. When I finally reached my destination. I could only stand in shock at the scene in front of me.
My focus was suddenly brough back to the plan by the sudden burning in my chest. I clutched at the material of shirt that covered my chest. I started gasping for breath. I felt the presence of someone to my left, but I couldn’t focus on them. This it! The abys finally has me.
“Y/n focus on my voice. Tell me what you smell.”
“Leather…and…vanilla?” I barely whispered the words.
“Okay good. What do you hear?”
I took a moment my breathing starting to stabilize, “The rumbling of the plane’s engine.”
I opened my eyes that I hadn’t even realized I had closed, and I was met with the beautiful doctor’s face consorted with worry. I then noticed all the other agents had gathered around me, but at a safe distance not overwhelming me.
“I’m okay” I tell them giving a small reassuring smile. Most of the team nodded and went back to their seats after lingering just a tad longer watching me to make sure I was truly okay. The fact that Agent Jareau was the first one to walk away did not go unnoticed. Hateful bitch.
Once the others were convinced, I wasn’t going to pass out and had returned to their seats; Dr. Reid stood from his position crouched down next to me and slid into the seat across from me. He fixated that pierce stare of his on me, no doubt taking in all my behavior to really make sure I was okay.
I broke the silence by thanking him and his only response was a quick nod. A few minutes passed before the silence was broken again.
“How long have you been having these panic attacks?” His face was set in a way that let me know he genuinely wanted to know.
I leaned my head back against the seat smelling the leather I had mentioned earlier. “They started the night at the club. The first one was brought on by a dream, well more like a nightmare.”
He sat quietly listening to me as I explained the darkness that seemed to take over my mind since that night. “Any time I think about that night it’s kind of like my brain wants to shut down, and I am thrown into this dark abys and I’m drowning just like in my dream. I’m sorry you probably weren’t that curious.”
He quickly responded reassuring me, “No, it’s okay I was curious.” He crossed his arms over his chest before he continued, “Most panic attacks are brought on by anxiety, and that would make sense in your situation. Your dream is more than likely your brain trying to cope with the fear of the accident and all the immense stress you have been experiencing the past day or so. In many cases doctors just write it off as genetics, but studies have shown that that is not the most common reasons. In fact, anxiety and panic attacks are caused more by PTSS than it is anything.”
He stopped abruptly and I couldn’t help but wonder why. I guess my faced asked before I could form the words because he proceeds. “I’m sorry I tend to ramble about facts that no one actually cares about.”
I couldn’t help but be in shock at the fact that he was so eager to share his knowledge and two how could people hate to listen to this man talk when he sounds so happy exposing the wisdom he has locked inside that brilliant brain of his.
“Hey, I for one enjoy learning new things especially if that something is happening to me and I don’t quite understand why. So, do not ever apologize for spilling facts to me while we are associated with one another during this case, or even after if our paths ever cross again.”
The small smile he had on his face was all I needed to know that he appreciated everything I said. We sat in comfortable silence the rest of the plane ride, except for the small snores coming from the pile of muscles laid across one of the seats known as SSA Matt Simmons.
__________
After the jet landed Agent Prentiss lead me to her office and dismissed the team to go home for the night to come back in the morning refreshed.
Once we reached Agent Prentiss’s office, she led to the small leather couched placed against the back wall. She informed me that she would be right back before walking right back out the door we just entered. She returned not even 5 minutes later with two bags of potato chips and two bottles of water
“I am absolutely starving, and I know you are, I could hear your stomach growling from the other side of the plane.” She handed me the food and water and I gave her a small thank you as she pulled a chair up to sit across from me.
“Okay y/n I know it’s late so I’m not going to conduct another cognitive interview you need rest and a real meal before that. I do have one question for you though. Are you okay?”
I just stared at the dark-haired woman in front of me and barely croaked out a response, “What?”
“We may be federal agents y/n, but we aren’t heartless. You’ve been through so much in the past couple of days and I know your mental state can’t be the best right now taken you’ve had at least two panic attacks in 24 hours.” The look I gave her must have been enough for her to know what I was thinking. “I may have overheard your conversation with Reid earlier.”
I looked down at my lap and started fiddling with a piece of string connected to the seam of the shirt I had gotten from the homeless shelter. I must look as bad as I feel.
I of course don’t tell her that instead I say, “I’m okay Agent Prentiss, honestly.” I don’t look up at her until she says, “Please call me Emily.”
I smiled at her kindness and nodded. I swear if I weren’t straight, I could fall for this woman right here right now.
The door to Emily’s office swings open making both of us jump as the most colorful woman on earth rushes in.
“Shit! Penelope!” Emily holds a hand over her chest and scolds the rainbow woman. I on the other hand am trying to calm my heartbeat that is beating so loudly I’m sure the other two woman can hear it.
Penelope’s expression is sincere yet frantic as she says, “I am so sorry Em, but I was finally able to dig up everything on y/n family. Oh, hi you’re y/n, oh my gosh hi. I am so sorry I didn’t realize. Oh, you poor thing.” She says all this with both hands cupped over her heart as if everything that has happen caused her heart to actually hurt.
I looked between the bubbly woman who almost made me pee myself and Emily, trying to process what had just happened.
Emily looked at me and then at Penelope and said, “Tell us everything.”.
*
*
*
@criminalmindzjunkie @hendersonsshadow @brooklynxnicole @misschil3
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