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Blog 1: Into the Spotlight with CMUans

Within the sphere of academic endeavors, there are moments that stand out—moments where we must step out of our comfort zone to which excitement and apprehension intertwine, propelling us into uncharted territories of learning and growth. Without further ado, I'm pleased to present our Entrepreneurship Interview with our fellow CMUans.

Experience.

Roaming around the campus whilst deciding who to interview and interview it—for real.

"Can I really do it?"

"Yes, of course, you can! Other students are also just mere humans; they won't eat you alive. Just breathe, approach people, speak, and go with the flow. You'll be fine." I mumbled under my breath, striving to reassure and boost my confidence.

A sigh escaped from me. Just thinking about the idea makes me feel dizzy, close to fainting. Thankfully, I survived the interview. At first, I was a bit nervous approaching random students and asking them about their common problems on campus. But as soon as I got into the groove of it, the excitement took over. I must say it was not that scary at all, it was actually fun and memorable. Walking up to students and initiating conversations about their daily struggles on campus was both nerve-wracking and thrilling. Ultimately, I am grateful to have Yzan as my partner. Her extensive network of acquaintances greatly contributed to our encounters and interviews, enabling me to adjust and feel more comfortable during interactions.

🌻before interview.

This is us before the interview—our preparation phase. During this phase, we strategically assigned ourselves to roles that leverage our individual strengths, aiming to streamline the process effectively under the leadership of Yzan.

🌻during interview.

Our group initially aimed to conduct interviews with 100 students; however, owing to time constraints, we revised our target to 55 respondents. To accommodate this adjustment, our group devised a strategy: two pairs (consisting of Yzan and myself; Donna and Shaila) and the remaining members (Nhicka, Jann, and Fatima) merged together. Furthermore, each team member was tasked the responsibility of reaching out to 7 or 8 respondents to ensure comprehensive coverage, a goal which we have satisfactorily achieved.

Each student presented a unique perspective, and hearing about the diverse challenges students face was eye-opening and somehow relatable. From issues like prevalent waste management to difficulty finding quiet study spaces, the range of problems students shared was vast. Some talked about the struggle of printing due to very far printing locations, while others expressed concerns about transportation and the need for better mental health resources.

What amazed me the most was the creativity and insight students had when it came to potential solutions. Many offered innovative ideas like biodegradable packaging to exemplary services. It was actually inspiring to see how passionate and engaged my fellow students were about improving campus life.

🌻after interview.

After conducting our interviews and consultation with the instructor, we exchanged ideas, recommendations, and data outcomes. With waste management emerging as the predominant concern at the university based on our interview findings, we began exploring potential solutions. With thorough prior preparation, including extensive research and our brainstorming session after the interview, we presented three innovative solutions to our instructor. These proposals were met with approval, ultimately paving the way for the endeavor, in which leaves emerged as the primary raw material, ranked highest among the three options.

Results of the Interview.

The pie chart illustrates the outcomes of our collaborative interview, highlighting the identification of 8 distinct challenges among the students which includes: (1) Tambayan Hub, (2) Mental Health, (3) Ventilation, (4) Printing, (5) Educational Tools, (6) Waste Problems, (7) Transportation, and (8) Illegal Businesses; having waste problems, transportation, and ventilation as its top three. Concurrently, within the merged data that is shown through line chart, it became evident that waste management remains the foremost concern among CMUans. Consequently, we have chosen to pursue an innovative and EcoVenture product, naming it "EVERLEAF," which means everlasting leaves, as we will primarily utilize leaves as our main raw material for the product.

Reflection.

Embarking on an entrepreneurial endeavor is akin to stepping into a thrilling rollercoaster ride, where—indeed the twists and turns of excitement and apprehension intertwine, creating such an unforgettable experience. The experience was enjoying and exhilarating, filled with highs and lows that tested my resilience and determination. From the initial stages of conceptualization to the execution of interviews, every step brought with it a sense of excitement, fueled by the prospect of bringing a novel idea to fruition. However, amidst the thrill, there lingered moments of apprehension, reminders of the uncertainties inherent in the entrepreneurial landscape. Nevertheless, alas! because we successfully accomplished our goals (as of the moment).

Reflecting on the journey, I am filled with gratitude for the opportunity to have conducted these interviews and embarked on this entrepreneurial endeavor. It has been a transformative experience, shaping my perspective on entrepreneurship and instilling in me a deeper appreciation for the power of innovation. As I look towards the future, I am filled with excitement and anticipation, eager to see where this project takes us and the impact it will create in the world.

Learnings.

This interview has served as a mirror reflecting my weaknesses and strengths. While acknowledging my shortcomings and weakness, particularly in confidence of public speaking and approaching strangers, it has become a catalyst for self-improvement. Moreover, I must conform that conducting interviews proved to be the cornerstone of this journey, offering invaluable insights into the needs and aspirations of potential customers. Each conversation was a revelation, providing a deeper understanding of the challenges they faced and the solutions they yearned for. It was through these interactions that I grasped the essence of entrepreneurship—the ability to empathize with customers and deliver innovative solutions that resonate with their desires.

With all of this being said, allow me to express that I am ready to continue this journey with the company of the girls. I am spurred on to venture beyond my comfort zone, embracing new experiences and unraveling further layers of my potential.

Ask Answers: July 10th

I really let asks get away from me lately. I was super focused on working on that Patreon Moment. With that done I can finally think about doing other things, so here’s a new collection of answers!

Thank you for sending in questions everyone ^^.

For the new Patreon moment, will you be able to reference it in step 4? Or just like a tiny nod to it if you pick certain choices?

There won’t be. I’m sorry if you were hoping for that! The Patreon moment is meant to be entirely optional, it’s not something that gets you extra content in the main game.

Is the new CG artist the main one now? :0 I’ve noticed theres been a difference in the art style recently. Is the old CG artist still going to make art for the game? :0

The original artist still makes CGs for the game sometimes, but he mainly focuses on character sprites.

Are you going to put the NSFW our life moment on a website other than patreon? I would love to get it but I can't use patreon atm.

I don’t know. I'm afraid we can't release the Patreon Moment on a normal game storefront because we can't mix 18+ content with our family friendly game. If there's some other place similar to Patreon where it's not the normal type of full-scale public content releases we'd consider using that, but I’m not sure if there is another site that’s better than Patreon in that regard. I'm sorry.

Out of curiosity, in all of your games so far, which characters in each were the most fun to write? They obviously don't have to be your favorite characters!

Buffalo Seer in AFA, really everyone in XOD/XOBD is pretty equally entertaining to write, The Guide in LoV, and Cove in OL!

idk if you accept "personal" questions, but is there anything you've been watching/ listening to lately

Mostly, I’ve been watching/listening to Authortube videos as of late! It’s people who talk generally about the process of how books become traditionally published and/or share their own experience as they attempt to be published. I don’t have an interest in writing normal text based books, but it’s really interesting to hear about that world. I’m listening to a video about royalties right now as I answer these asks.

Will one of the desserts we get to pick be fudge? That'd be such a cute reference! 

Haha, yeah, it should. Unless I completely blank on it and forget when trying to include the various referential food options.

I don't know if this has been asked previously but what would be the approximate heights for the presets MC can choose from Step 2 ~ 4? Are there any measurement you had in mind? Sorry if I didn't make myself clear kk I've been struggling with my English lately 💀 

I don’t know, ahah. I didn’t have any numbers in mind for that. So it’s whatever you imagine it is!

I noticed a bug with the Patreon moment when it comes to what your character wears. When Jamie and Cove are kissing while my character only had dresses selected, I had both the option to remove the dress or to remove the shirt... Picking one of the options to interact with Cove, after he removed his shirt, it had Jamie remove their shirt followed by ther pants despite only having dresses picked. 

Thank you for reporting ^^

I keep refreshing steam to see when the new doc for xobd will be released. I noticed you haven't posted anything about it in quite some time. Would it be possible to ask about a timeline/potential date? (If it's even this year—) I know you and your team are probably working super hard, I'm just super curious! ~Thank you!~ 

There are more stories done, I just haven’t gotten around to publicly releasing them. Hopefully I will have a chance to spend the time on that sooner rather than later!

hello!! i’m not sure if it’s an update but i’ve just replayed our life and at the end i can’t propose to cove anymore? :(( i’ve actually tried playing twice but the options are not there anymore, did you guys remove the options? i’m sorry if you’ve answered this before!! thank you and have a good one :) 

I’m afraid things haven’t been changed or removed, so I think you might’ve accidentally picked the wrong things somewhere along the way and locked yourself out of being able to propose by mistake. Sometimes you meant to say you want to get married but instead you mis-click and have it so the MC isn’t thinking about marriage or something. All I can suggest is starting from the beginning of Step 3 and making sure to follow the steps listed in the FAQ. I’m sorry for that.

Did yall remove some of the options for when youre making out with Cove in the charity moment? I could've sworn you could grab his bonkadonk and its not there anymore 

This is the same situation as the above. We didn’t remove things and you’re not wrong that there are sometimes those options. But there are various choices you have to make to get those options and it sounds like you accidentally missed something. If your relationship isn’t long-term, you can’t do it for example.

HI IM SO EXCITED I CAN FINALLY GET THE STEP 3 DLC 

Thank you for getting it!

Is Shiloh super totally straight bc I’m very gay and a huge Shiloh fan, would my man make an exception?😩

Sadly, he is one of our super straight characters. I’m sorry.

Hi, I have a very dumb question. In Step 2 does Cove not wanna share his drink with us at the mall (or rather why he stops drinking it) because it's an indirect kiss? Or is it like ...weird to him to share? Because if I remember right he eats off our spoon in the birthday scene right? 

Yeah, he’s awkward about it because he likes the MC and it feels very personal to share a straw with his crush.

Hi! If you don't mind me asking, who is the artist for OL2? Their style is so pretty! 

Thank you for saying so! This is her Twitter- https://twitter.com/redridingheart

Do Beginnings & Always and Now & Forever exist in the same universe? 

Yep! XOXO Droplets also exists in the same universe. It’s one big GB Patch world, haha.

Do Pran's parents regret the way they raised him? Do they feel ashamed of it?

No. They’re the type of people best cut out because they’re not gonna change. Which is why Pran does go very limited contact when he’s an adult.

Hi! I just wrapped up my second playthrough of Our Life, and I absolutely adore it, but I had a question. I went to the gallery and found I was missing 2 CGS (specifically Step 1-3 and 2-3) and I had no clue where they would've shown up. Which moments are those found in? 

You get it by telling Cove about his dad offering you money to be his friend in Step 1 and Step 2. You can’t get both in one playthrough, since you can only tell Cove the truth once. I’m really glad you liked it!

Hi hi! Please, how tall is Baxter and Derek? Love the game so much and I can't wait to see more! 

I don’t know, aha. I think Baxter was around 5′10 and Derek was like 5′8/5′9, maybe. I really am not one who has specific heights for things in mind.

is adult cove a bottom, top, or switch? 

A switch, though would choose the top if he had to pick.

I was wondering if there is a way to transfer save data? Even if through the game files. I wanted to be able to transfer my save data from my desktop over to my laptop so that I could continue playing right where I left off from but I'm not entirely sure how to go about that. 

If you save the save folder/persistent data of the game from your desktop and put it into the game folder on your other device, that could work.

Hi! Is it possible for us to know the date when our life: now and forever comes out on steam? Sorry if you've mentioned it before but I haven't seen it and I'm looking foward to that happening and just wanted to know :) 

It’s gonna be a long time, I’m afraid. There’s no estimate right now.

I started playing Our Life with my sister a while ago, and I think you guys should know that we discovered your secret. >:)

L from death note and Cove are clearly the same person, and this whole game is just an origin story!!

I’ve never seen that show so I’m sorry to say I don’t understand the connection/reference you’re trying to make. I’m pretty out of the loop when it comes to media. I don’t watch movies or TV.

Will OL2 have options for disabled MCs?

I understand if it's too complicated, just curious

Unfortunately, it’s not really something we have a plan for. We couldn’t finish the game if we tried to include every disability and have it be meaningful. It’d just be too much content to create. But if we decide to only include a few, how would we choose which disabilities get to be represented and which are left out? I don’t know. It’ll probably have to be something we don’t include as an option again, sadly. I’m sorry.

playing our life > anything else 

Haha, I’m glad you’re enjoying it.

Honestly, I would like to thank Our Life for helping me come to terms with my sexuality. Before, I never would've actually thought that it was possible to like boys romantically and still be asexual. Almost all of the BL visual novels I've read had unskippable sexual content in them and it honestly just didn't click with what I feel. I'm glad I found Our Life. I love the game, the developers, and this fandom so much. Now, I can safely come out as homoromantic AND asexual (at least anonymously here anyway; my parents are still huge homophobes 😂). 

Aw, it’s great to hear you felt comfortable being yourself in the game! That’s wonderful. I’m really sorry about your parents, though.

Will the demo for OL2 be on android? Really not sure if I could wait any longer than I have to aha 

Yeah, it’ll be available for Android once we eventually release a demo!

Do all these reveals perhaps mean development is progressing ahead of schedule? Please let that be the case I'm already obsessed with Qiu 

No, sorry, aha. Art comes along much faster than script/programming-work for us. It’s gonna be a long time before the game is a finished thing you can actually play. But at least we can look at the beautiful images.

Hey! First of all I wanna say I reallllllyyyyy loooovvveeee Our Life and XOXO Droplets! I have over 300 hours of playtime on Our Life… Anyways, I was just wondering, are the Derek and Baxter DLCs going to come out at the same time? If not, which one do you plan to release first? :3 

They will come out separately and Derek will be first! Glad you like the game.

I keep replaying Our Life to get every possible iteration and I am loving it <3 I was wondering if Cove gets locked out of his confession because MC was talking to Lee, would it be possible to confess to him in step 4? 

Yeah, you can avoid the confession in Step 3 and then get it in Step 4.

Hi, my Cove wears bracelets through step 2 and 3 but I still don't get an option to give him a bracelet? I didn't even know that was possible until I seen someone else ask about it lol 

Hm, did you use the Cove creator? Maybe there’s a bug where using the creator to add bracelets doesn’t fulfill the requirement to give Cove a bracelet in Step 3.

Wait, I'm dense, when does Baxter appear in step 2? Is it from big park firework? I feel so bad since i really love Baxter and waiting to buy his dlc. 

It’s in the Soiree Moment. You have to be just friends with Cove, indifferent, or crushing but not ask Cove to the dance at all. Then while there you can find someone new to dance with. But if you bring Cove to the dance while crushing, the MC won’t wanna dance with anyone else so you can’t get the scene.

In step 2 when we go to the soiree I made my mc go alone and baxter chooses the mc to dance, i'm curious, why did he pick the mc? sorry if this has been asked before! 

Because the MC looked to be around his age, seemed to also be searching for a partner, and had nice legs. A perfect option for him.

I read some of the FAQs, and I saw that we could tell Baxter about the condo that he rented there was previously the mean old grandparents. how do we get the mc to tell him that? 

It happens in the DLC Moment “Late Shift”. If you don’t have a job you instead get a longer scene with Baxter.

I don’t know if you’ve addressed this or not, but are you planning on paying voice actors for our life: now and forever? 

Yeah, we pay our VAs in all our projects.

hey can i ask how you did the moments thing in ol? im trying to get into making visual novels and while im VERY sure its out of my comfort zone and all that atm i kinda wanna know just for the future, bc im p sure it would work well for something i wanna do :O but its also fine if you cant say for other reasons :> 

I’m afraid I’m not sure what you mean. Are you asking how we programmed the screen or something script related? Adding Moments like that is pretty straightforward, though. You just have buttons that open to different labels and then the scripts are essentially individual short stories/vignettes. Good luck with your VN!

Since Autumn becomes gender fluid later in the game, will there be a character who remains as he/him to romance in game? 

OL1 has the he/him LIs, OL2 is all about other genders.

I don't want to impose on your creative plans, but a parrot could possibly make a good pet in an OL-type game? They're pretty long-lived and likely to still be thriving by the end even if the MC got them back in step 1. 

I do appreciate the suggestion, but I’m afraid it’s not likely going to happen. I understand there are technically some animals that could theoretically live long enough to last the whole game that or we could have the MC only get a pet after some years have already passed. But the many things that would have to be considered/accommodated for makes it just something we probably can’t manage adding. I’m sorry.

As time passes will we be able to see Qiu and Tamarack's other stage arts as well?

They are both so cute i can't wait to be friends with them!

Yeah, we’ll show content from other Steps in the future. It’ll be a little while from now, though.

Can you date Cove and still have your family comfort you in the car?

You can’t get Cove’s Step 3 confession scene if you have the family comfort you in the car. But that’s not the only way to date him. You can get together with him earlier in the game or later on in Step 4.

Is Mc always going to be the one walking down the aisle or could Cove do it? Also could you choose to have one of your moms walk you? 

No. Cove wouldn’t want to walk down the aisle like that and the MC automatically respects that. And the MC also gets to have their preferences respected, so it’s up to you whether they want to do an aisle walk or not. You also can pick who, if anyone, walks with you.

Once step 4 is out, will you be able to go the whole game on crush/love without either of you confessing? 

Yes, as long as you tell the game you don’t want to progress the relationship. Even in Step 4 it won’t force you to officially get together.

Howdy, so in Step 4, there will be any Romance with Derek that is not part of any dlc? 

He’s only a friend unless you get his romance story.

Will the step 4 in OL2 be one big step or are you considering moments? 

Step 4 is just an epilogue in both games.

hi kind of a weird question but!! we know tht cliff doesn't start dating again but. wht abt flings? like does he ever do 1 night stands or anything? thank u!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Nope. Cliff has a very small interest in sex. If he’s not in a real relationship with a partner he’s crazy about it simply isn’t something he feels a need for, so one night stands wouldn’t even cross his mind.

sorry if you've already answered this, but i was wondering if there were plans for there to be bonus love interests in OL2 like how we have derek and baxter in OL1.

Maybe! There are side characters who could be given romance stories, but whether or not it will happen depends on funding and how long everything else takes to finish.

I don't know if i'm allowed to ask about ol2 here yet, if not u can ignore this or answer it later. My question is can you date one of them and be good friends with the other? I don't want to be strangers with the other bcs i love them both a lot :<

Yes you can!

what patreon level do i have to be to unlock the nsfw moment? im on the $5 one right now, will that give me access to the moment, or just access to the moment progress? 

That’ll give you access! Tier 2 and anything higher allows the player to download it.

I've read fics where Hermann disapproves of PDAs but what about the reverse? As in he's so stunned at winning the most amazing man in the Shatterdome (6 phds, literal rockstar, gorgeous Newt) that he deliberately provokes contact and shows of affection. Just to show off to people and send a clear back off signal. And Newt just dotes on him obliviously.

ok this one is another super old prompt and when I was writing it this week it KINDA got away from me. but I hope everyone enjoyyyys. partially inspired from conversations with @k-sci-janitor 👀 totally sfw, except for one brief reference

anyway, a fic about hermann being all affectionate with newt and also discovering what relaxation is 

——————————————-------------------------------------------

The day after the world doesn’t end, Hermann brings Newt breakfast in bed.

Honestly, it surprises Newt more than the whole world not ending thing. Up until the previous evening, after all, Newt was pretty damn sure the guy absolutely hated him, and that if Hermann was gonna do something as out of character as bringing him breakfast, it surely meant he’d spat in it first. Or maybe poisoned it. If hated isn’t the right word, Newt would say Hermann at the very least barely tolerated. And then the whole sharing the neural load thing happened. And, after that, hugging, not once, but twice, and then falling asleep in bed together. And now Hermann’s perched on the edge of his bed (which they shared while they slept) and handing him a plate.

“You had quite the busy day yesterday,” Hermann says kindly. Hermann has never spoken to Newt kindly before. Atop the plate are two pieces of toast, a soft-boiled egg, and a mug of coffee. The coffee and toast (Newt notices) are exactly the shade he prefers. He wonders if Hermann picked up on it before or after the whole mind-melding thing. Before wouldn’t surprise him—Hermann has always been weird about noticing details like that. The egg, however, is something purely Hermann in taste. “I imagine you could use a nice spot of breakfast,” he adds.

Newt shoves his glasses on and blinks at Hermann groggily. He struggles to sit up, partially tangled in his sheets, and then takes the plate. A little bit of coffee sloshes down onto one of the slices of toast. “Are you wearing my sweatshirt?” he says.

Hermann smiles and looks down at the ragged old MIT sweatshirt he’s tossed on. He may have a few inches on Newt, but he’s still one skinny motherfucker, and it hangs almost comically off his frame. “I am,” he says. “I poked around in your closet, I hope you don’t mind. My clothing was in a rather sorry state.”

Sorry state is an understatement for both of them. Newt’s surprised they haven’t been formally ordered to burn the shit they wore to the bone slums yet. Blood, dirt, and kaiju guts aside, Newt’s, at least, reeks to high heaven with sweat. “No worries,” Newt says. He picks up the coffee and blows on it. He wonders where Hermann got coffee that smells this good. It’s been hard to find anything decent and non-instant on the base these days, and (thanks to limited rations) chain shops like Starbucks cost an arm and a leg for even a small. He also wonders what people thought when they saw Hermann strutting around the base with bedhead in a sweatshirt that obviously wasn’t his. Newt almost wants to blush on his behalf. Scandalous.

Before Newt can so much as take a sip of the coffee, Hermann is suddenly unbuckling and shucking off his grey slacks. “Dude!” Newt yelps, flushing bright red to the tips of his ears. Hermann blinks at him innocently. “What are you doing?”

It’s not so much that Newt is upset as it is that it’s so wildly out of character for Hermann that he feels he owes it to Hermann to act at least moderately scandalized. In all his years of knowing and working alongside Hermann, he’s never so much as seen Hermann’s bare wrist before. Now he’s in Newt’s goddamn bed flashing calves, and thighs, and neatly-pressed little white briefs… Hermann rolls his eyes and tosses the slacks (unfolded!) onto Newt’s desk chair. “Making myself comfortable,” he says. “Would you like me to stop?”

Does Hermann iron his underwear? It would be at odds with the rest of his clothing if he did, which is usually in various stages of frumpy to outright wrinkled, but Newt can’t think of how else it would look like that. He wonders if Hermann’s stitched his name on the inner waistband. It seems like the kind of thing Hermann would do. Newt suddenly realizes he’s been staring at Hermann’s briefs (and, worse still, considering how cute Hermann looks in just them and Newt’s sweatshirt) for an uncomfortably long time, so he quickly shakes his head and drags his eyes to Hermann’s face. One of Hermann’s eyebrows is quirked up. Newt hasn’t been subtle. “No,” he says. He clears his throat. “No, dude, you’re—all good.”

He chokes down a too-hot sip of coffee to have something to do with his mouth.

Hermann smirks.

The bedcovers are drawn back. Hermann slips under them and drapes an arm across Newt’s chest, his hand curling protectively over Newt’s hip. With his other hand he snags Newt’s coffee from his grasp and takes a sip. Newt watches his jaw and throat work as he swallows it, a funny feeling blooming in the pit of his stomach. The mug is handed back over, Hermann’s fingers brushing against Newt’s, which make Newt feel even funnier. “Newton,” Hermann declares. “I think we ought to have sex.”

“Oh,” Newt says. “Can I finish my breakfast first?”

“Certainly,” Hermann says.

Newt’s heart pounds as he spreads a little packet of margarine across one of the pieces of toast; he can feel Hermann’s eyes on him, never straying once. Hermann’s hand draws little circles on his hip. Newt drops his toast twice to the plate before he can successfully take a bite, and even when he does, he doesn’t taste it. Hermann’s fingers dip under the hem of his t-shirt. Newt swallows his toast. “Why?” he says.

Apparently it’s the right question. Hermann nods, like he’s pleased Newt has asked. Like they’re talking theories or something. “I came to the conclusion while I fetching your coffee,” Hermann says. “It occurred to me that I wouldn’t have gotten up at seven in the morning to get coffee for just anyone. Then, of course, there is the whole drifting business—”

“You realized you wouldn’t have done that for just anyone too, huh?” Newt says with a smile. Hermann’s hand on his hip stills, and his cheeks go pink. Newt’s relieved to have gotten some ground back here. “Hermann, that’s sooo romantic.”

“The world was at stake,” Hermann sniffs.

“It’s okay,” Newt says. “I won’t tell anyone the great Dr. Gottlieb has feelings. So, what, you realized you have a big ole crush on me?”

Hermann takes the unfinished piece of toast from him and sets it down on his plate. He pulls Newt’s glasses off, kisses him soundly, and then puts Newt’s glasses back on. His mouth tastes like toothpaste. “On the contrary, I’ve always suspected it,” he says. “It’s just that now I have the time to confirm it.” He reaches up and strokes at Newt’s hair. “We have the time for lots of things, now, Newton. Whatever we’d like.”

Newt finishes off his coffee quickly, not even caring when he burns his tongue, and then tosses the remainder of his breakfast to the floor. His egg spills onto the massacred skinny corduroys he wore yesterday. Whatever, Newt’s burning them anyway. “God, get overhere already, man,” he says, tugging at Hermann’s borrowed sweatshirt. He needs to help Hermann confirm his crush or whatever, pronto.

--

It’s a few days before Newt and Hermann finally drag themselves out of bed and to the lab to tackle what little work remains for them to do—cataloguing what are apparently the last kaiju samples known to man (Newt), recording and backing up their drift data (Newt’s solo drift, and then their joint data), drawing some random scribbles on the board and pretending they’re important calculations about the possibility of the Breach reopening (Hermann. Okay, whatever, maybe they are important). Unfortunately, the delay isn’t for any sexy reasons, as much as Newt would’ve liked it to have been. The events of the last day of the war caught up with them pretty quickly after that morning in Newt’s bed, and they mostly just slept, ordered out dinner, popped ibuprofen for their various aches, and avoided medical at all costs. (Rumor had it the medical staff on base were looking for him and Hermann so they could do some brain scans. Apparently drifting with a kaiju brain is potentially dangerous, who knew.)

A rancid smell washes over them the second they push the heavy lab doors open, and Newt spots several hunks of kaiju organs rotting away on his workbench. Hermann clamps a hand to his mouth. “Oops,” Newt says, turning to Hermann sheepishly. He can’t help but cower as he does. He and Hermann got along swimmingly the past couple days—it’ll be sad to see all that hard work go down the drain over this. “Guess I forgot to clean up the other day. In my defense—we were kind of busy.”

But Hermann doesn’t snap at Newt, or thump his cane on the ground, or call Newt an idiot, or even look annoyed; he lowers his hand from his mouth and laughs. Albeit a terse laugh, but still. Newt gapes at him. “We were rather busy,” Hermann concedes. “So long as you clean it up in the next ten minutes, I—what, Newton?”

“Nothing,” Newt says, quickly. “I’m gonna—um—deal with it now.”

Hermann disappears from the lab while Newt is digging around in the storage closet for extra heavy-duty trash bags. When he comes back an hour later, he’s holding a cardboard tray of small plastic cups, and Newt has just hefted his last spoiled sample into the lab’s airtight biohazard bin (a bit mournfully, if he’s being honest, since he’s sure there’s still more to learn about the kaiju from them). Newt squints at the cups in the tray while he rips his messy disposable work gloves off. “What’s that?” he says.

“Iced coffee,” Hermann declares.

The gloves slap, wetly, into the biohazard bin, and Newt lets out a low whistle. “Dude. No way. From where?” He’s not sure when he gave off the impression that the way to his heart was good coffee, but maybe it’s true. Then again, Hermann could probably win him over with a cup of lukewarm tap water. Not because Newt is desperate or anything. He just really likes Hermann.

“A little shop a bit away from the base,” Hermann says. “I took the bus.” He draws back his chair and sits down with a soft sigh, setting his cane against his desk. Then he draws out a small brown paper bag from his parka pocket. He tosses it to Newt; Newt catches it with one hand. “They had these funny little cakes on sticks. I thought you might like one.”

“Cake pops?” Newt says.

“I presume,” Hermann says. While Newt inhales the little chocolate-dipped cake pop (which is so good, oh my God, Newt hasn’t had dessert that didn’t come from a vending machine in plastic shrink wrap in years), Hermann adds, “I wasn’t sure what sort of iced coffee you liked, so I made sure to get a variety.”

“Sick,” Newt says, spewing crumbs on his shirt. “Um. But, like, why though?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Hermann says. “I suppose I wanted to do something kind for you.” He carefully slides a straw out of its paper wrappings and pokes it into the lid of one of the coffees. Once he crumples up the wrapper and tosses It into his train bin, he grips his cane, and uses the handle to nudge Newt’s desk chair towards him. “You worked awfully hard cleaning the laboratory.”

Newt preens a little, even as he privately wonders why Hermann’s acting so weird. Well, nice. But nice is weird for Hermann, so they’re basically the same thing. Is this part of his whole deciding whether or not he digs Newt thing? Newt just assumed the awesome morning they spent together would be proof enough of that. Then again, Hermann’s pretty thorough. “I guess,” Newt says. “It was kind of my mess, though.”

Hermann pats at the empty chair with a smile. Hermann’s smiles are so rare—crooked, and stupid cute—that Newt’s heart gives a painful little twist at the sight of it, and he realizes he doesn’t actually give a shit about why Hermann’s being all weird, actually. “You’ve earned a break,” Hermann says. “Besides, I’d like to spend time with you.”

Newt’s too stunned to argue with that one. When he sits down, Hermann inches their chairs together until their knees are touching.

--

They don’t necessarily fall back into their usual habits by the next week, but the better ones they’ve picked up (being a little kinder to each other, a little more patient, a little more respectful, and also the fact that Hermann can’t seem to stop touching Newt) all but fall into the background as Newt throws himself into his work with renewed determination. Unfortunately, his desire to get it all done as soon as fucking possible speaks less to his awesome work ethic, and more to the fact that he’s just not sure what else to do with himself now, and he likes that work gives him the excuse to not think about it. Hermann said they have all the time to do whatever they like now. Well, Newt likes working. He knows working. Relaxation is a foreign concept to him, and it was a foreign concept to Hermann up until recently. While Newt is toiling away over his decaying kaiju samples in the lab, Hermann is out—

“Where?” Newt says.

Hermann gives Newt the most serene smile Newt’s ever seen cross his face. “I took a bath,” he says. “It was very nice. I bought some nice soaps, and lit some candles, and looked online to see how to do one of those mud masks. It was very relaxing. You ought to try it.”

“Try bathing?” Newt says.

“Yes. Well, no. I mean taking a bath. Is there something you’re not understanding?”

Newt tries to imagine Hermann with a mud mask on his face and cucumbers over his eyes and fails miserably. Hermann hates messes. He would never stand for mud, let alone on his skin. Where’d he even find a bathtub? Did he break into the rangers’ locker room again? Aren't candles banned on base for being a fire hazard, anyway? “Yeah,” Newt says. “Pretty much all of it.”

Hermann shakes his head with a snort, and Newt catches a whiff of something floral and fragrant—his fancy new soap or oil, he guesses. “I’m not surprised. You know, Newton, you are awfully tense.”

Hearing that from Hermann of all people, the king of having-a-massive-stick-up-your-ass, is probably the funniest thing that’s ever happened to Newt. He laughs out loud and plunges a bare hand into his kaiju sample with a gross squelching noise. “Sure, dude.”

He’s almost too engrossed in his sample to feel Hermann sidling up behind him and setting a hand at his waist. He definitely feels Hermann nose a kiss behind his ear, though, and the hot flush that spreads down across his neck from it. Newt’s hand goes sweaty around his scalpel. One thing he definitely wasn’t expecting from a post-no-apocalypse Hermann is how free he is with affection in any and all forms. “Give it a rest, love,” Hermann murmurs. He nudges at the heel of Newt’s boot with the end of his cane. Love? “Why don’t we head back to my quarters and watch a film? You can pick.”

“But.” Newt fidgets. “I have—my sample—”

Another little kiss. The soapy-oil smell is stronger now. Newt thinks it might be lavender. He wonders if the mud mask left Hermann’s skin all soft. “It won’t be going anywhere, Newton.”

Newt sets down his scalpel.

When they they pass by a group of LOCCENT staff in the hallway, Newt makes to drop Hermann’s hand (which Hermann had laced together with his own before they left the lab), but Hermann holds fast, maybe even faster than before, and looks at him with his stupidly sweet set of big eyes. Newt waits until they round the corner to say anything. “Sorry,” he says, lamely. “Um. I thought—you wouldn’t want—” Hermann continues to stare at him. His iris is still ringed red like Newt’s. “I just mean I know you’re weird about stuff like that. Public stuff.” Hermann has been a closed and tightly-bound book for as long as Newt’s known him; he can’t imagine that would suddenly change and he would start broadcasting his emotions far and wide in the course of a week just because he’s a little less stressed.

Or, you know. Maybe Newt’s totally wrong on this. “Ah,” Hermann says. He nods, very seriously. “Yes. I have been considering that as well. I see no reason to hide recent developments in our relationship.” He squeezes Newt’s hand. "In fact, I see no reason to not be quite, er, proud of them. You’re quite the catch.”

Newt remembers the stolen sweatshirt. Maybe Hermann wearing it out to get them breakfast was more calculated than he realized. “So if I made out with you against the wall right now you wouldn’t be mad?” Newt says.

“Well,” Hermann says, inclining his head to his door, "seeing as my quarters are right there, it seems a rather unnecessary inconvenience.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Newt smiles as Hermann leads him in. “Can I really pick the movie?”

“Within reason.”

CPTSD and Core Beliefs (Your lens, built on traumatic fuckery)

Alright, so you know I have this Patreon thing that I try to make worth your while in return for your economical help. One of the benefits is the good ole’ monthly ask me anything. And I love it. Because the questions are great. And they push me to dig into topics that I was procrastinating. This month’s AMA is a particularly good one! A question that needs to be addressed, anyways. So it’s perfect. Let’s aim for two birds with one stone.

Our good friend Cassie - you know her by now - asks, how do you identify core beliefs and start to change them? Which is a very simple and very complicated question.

  So, to take a step backwards, what she talkin’ bout?

  Well, one of the internal issues that complex trauma sufferers have to rectify is their belief system. Between our core beliefs and our inner critic, we have a lot going on in between our ears to keep us downtrodden and destitute.

  We’re talking about what I call Fucked Up Core Beliefs here… which are your trauma-born core beliefs. Again, called FUCBs because when you discover them, you’ll likely whisper to yourself, “wow, that’s actually really fucked up.” These sentiments are like the lenses that you surgically stitched onto your face several decades ago in response to your upbringing, as your little mammal brain tried to understand its place in the global hierarchy and how to be chill about it.

 The framework you built from your early development and beyond, that all information still filters through today - both on the way in and on the way out of your head. The words that stream through your brain consciously or subconsciously to shape the ways you appraise… everything. Yourself, your life, your past, your future, other people, and everything that happens in between.

  So, essentially, talking about the ways you interpret your existence and the collected pool of knowledge from where you make decisions, and therefore the ways you act. If this is starting to sound like a big deal - it is!

But it don’t come with a big flashing sign. The Challenge

These beliefs are challenging to figure out because:

  One, they were adapted early on in your life in an effort to understand the circumstances around you or directly downloaded from the sentiments expressed in your environment. When you were first establishing your perspective of the universe and trying to figure out how to navigate it based on the clues presented.

  Plus, the harder part is… because of the early adoption, you’ve already accepted the idea for so long that it doesn’t even seem like a “belief” to you - you’re not choosing it and it’s probably not apparent to you - it’s just the secret narrative running in your head that corrupts all later data. Not cognitive thoughts that you’re directing on purpose. You probably don’t have recollections of the time before you believed such and such to question what you believe - these ideas are solidified in your head with as much certainty as the alphabet.

  So, you might believe you’re a worthless piece of shit as a function of the neglect and abuse you experienced, a way to explain the mistreatment to yourself from a young age… OR you might believe you’re a worthless piece of shit because mom, dad, sister, and society directly told you so. But either way, many years down the line, it’s difficult to pinpoint either of these originating factors as memories fade or to even question the validity of the thought… or to even notice the thought.

  Two, if your family of origin was always repeating the same sort of thoughts and you later associate with people who make you comfortable to be around (i.e. probably have some similar views of the world), you have nothing to compare your beliefs to.

  Your environment teaches you what’s normal. There’s no reference for what is and isn’t healthy, fair, or functional if everyone is drinking the same kool aid. And, unfortunately, in traumatic environments, folks seem to congregate around the fucked up beliefs to protect them with a mutual unspoken agreement. Accept the accepted narrative of the group or be outcast. The same story is replayed on repeat from all ends of your social circle, so why would you even begin to think there’s another way to look at things?

So, if mom, dad, cousin, uncle, grandma, neighbor, peer, teacher, and media are all telling you the same reality exists, how would you ever even begin to have the wherewithal to think otherwise? The thought probably never crosses your mind. The sky is blue, grass is green, and the world is a miserable place where everyone is trying to take advantage of you.

  Three, again, I cannot over-express how insidious, subtle, and generalized these things can be. Fucked up core beliefs affect how you see and process everything. Again, like lenses or an instagram filter permanently applied to your corneas. So, there’s not necessarily one life-effect linked to one-FUCB for easy detection or one event that will cause a clear-as-day defined belief to come shooting to the top of the pile. More like, you very slowly realize you have an unhealthy view or twenty about yourself and the world that have sorrrrrtof impacted every single area of your life now that you spend years considering it.

  Thinking you’re a worthless piece of shit, for instance, has led to you taking low-level jobs with chaotic schedules, living with an abusive partner, and settling for living in the same environment with the same behavioral patterns that you’ve known your entire life. It’s also allowed you to give up exercise, eating right, staying sober, and trying to make any life-improvements. Why bother spit polishing shit? And here you are, wondering why you feel awful about yourself and don’t enjoy anything you’ve created in your life.

  But. It’s not that simple to sort out, or else we would have done it already. You probably haven’t ever purposely considered how commonly this impression is operating below the surface of your actions. Realizing that the belief “I’m a worthless piece of shit who deserves nothing” and trying to change it would be like pulling out the wrong Janga block - everything it has been supporting suddenly comes tumbling down and you’re left with a real fucking mess to rebuild from the bottom up. And, to top it all off, no one ever even taught you how to create a sturdier structure in the first place.

  Fourthly, from some of my own learnings, I’ve come to the conclusion that the core belief, itself, doesn’t even have to present itself at any point to be making a difference in your life. They are so deeply ingrained in my brain that my thought center just naturally uses them as a jumping off point, without even directly touching on the words that might ping my brain as unusual. Just like we can subtly detect risks in our environment that set off our warning bells without ever creating a conscious thought to go with the arousal, I feel like I can apply a core belief to my world without ever noticing the accompanying stream of consciousness.

Sometimes I feel like fucked up core beliefs have become so accepted over time that they’re feelings more than cognitions. As if they’ve become so reflexive through repetition that you have muscle memory - an intuitive response that bypasses your logical brain recognition threshold and jumpstarts shittily-related thoughts… and those will actually register on your thinking scale. But at that point, you accept the novel-feeling thought and never note that it was actually spawned by a very old recording.

  Which is to say, you might have to work on identifying your fucked up core feelings before you can get to the thought deeply buried underneath. Taking a meta break from the episode to tell you, I’ve never thought about that so thoroughly before. But Fucked Up Core Feelings definitely sounds like a solid description of my world. I guess we also have FUCFs to go with our FUCBs from now on. Anyways.

  With all of this in mind, I’m sure you can start to see why these fucked up core beliefs are a big problem. Hell, if you’ve listened to this podcast for more than a few episodes, you’ve definitely heard that I’m still challenged by my own. Like, when I say that I’m freaking out because no one should listen to me and I feel like an imposter - I believe that I’m not good enough to share information with people. That I’m too flawed to even express myself. This is a problem for, say, podcasting. Or, living. And I have to fight it all the time.

  Long story short.

  Your core beliefs are sneaky, they can be comprehensive, and they are hardwired into your brain as your default system for analyzing everything on the planet. Again, kind of like looking for goggles strapped to your face, but in reality you had lasik surgery about 30 years ago.

  So, if you aren’t constantly on the lookout for core beliefs and actively working against your pre-programmed ways of assessing yourself and the world around you… they will get out of control, cause a fair amount of avoidance and defeat, and set you back several steps in your mental health management… plus, potentially your entire life, if you make any big decisions out of this unhealthy mindset. Which you will, because that’s how the brain works. I’m almost certain that you have some experience with this already.

If you ever think things like: The world is a dangerous placePeople are cruelI’m not good enough I’m not smart enoughI’m not enoughI’m brokenOther people don’t like meThere’s something wrong with my personalityI’m not allowed to… (live like others, have nice things, be happy)I’m not one of those people who… (has money, has good luck, gets what they want)Shit is just harder for meNothing ever works outLife is always hardI can’t.

Then you’ve had some fucked up core beliefs floating around in your head.

 These are some super broad ones for the sake of demonstration, so don’t disregard highly specific beliefs that might relate to your particular circumstances or upbringing.

  If you haven’t ever noticed yourself thinking these big shitty picture things… check again in all your deepest nooks and crannies. I think a lot of us TMFRs operate from some version of the narratives above - plus, much worse. Like I keep saying, these beliefs might not be in your conscious thoughts, so much as they’re directing the show from behind the curtain.

How do we pull it back? Discover the beliefs ........

Keep reading or listen up at t-mfrs.com

https://www.t-mfrs.com/podcast/episode/532f2b1c/core-beliefs

Experts divided on coronavirus risks of eating indoors

By Grace Dickinson The Philadelphia Inquirer

Once you’re vaccinated, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have officially OK’d having friends over for dinner if they’re vaccinated, too.

The recent guidelines also say that once vaccinated, you can have a mask-less, indoor hangout even if your guests aren’t vaccinated, as long as you’re gathering with people from a single household, and no one in that household (or anyone they live with) has an increased risk for severe illness from COVID-19. In other words, even if you’re weeks away from that first shot, you needn’t necessarily wait to break bread with your vaccinated parents or grandparents.

But what about indoor dining at a restaurant, where you won’t be able to predict the vaccination statuses of other patrons and staff?

The CDC guidelines don’t specifically address this topic. However, they do encourage everyone, vaccinated or not, to continue avoiding medium- and large-sized gatherings, and wear a mask and social distance when in public spaces. The CDC also recently published a report that concluded, “mask mandates and restricting any on-premises dining at restaurants can help limit community transmission of COVID-19.”

Opinions about the safety of indoor dining after you’re fully vaccinated aren’t universal. We asked the following experts to weigh in on the risks.

Would you dine inside a restaurant right now?

Some experts would like to see the country get closer to herd immunity before returning to indoor dining. Herd immunity is considered to be achieved when between 70% to 90% of the country has been vaccinated or recovered from COVID-19 infection.

“The vaccines are very effective, but they’re not 100 percent, and we do have variants that are circulating and still being researched,” says Darren Mareiniss, an emergency medicine doctor in Philadelphia. “If our case numbers and our positive tests rates were significantly lower, let’s say below 2 or 3 percent, then I might be more apt to eat inside.”

On the other hand, some experts say you don’t need to wait, given the vaccines’ effectiveness, both in clinical trials and in emerging real world studies. This is assuming health department guidelines are being followed, like table distancing and mask wearing.

“I would feel comfortable indoor dining with a small group, and by small group, I mean one other person or family that’s at low risk of having any complications,” says Neal Goldstein, an assistant research professor of epidemiology and biostatistics at Drexel University in Philadelphia. “This is based on the effectiveness of the vaccination and the current minimal risk. And that’s the fine line. I’d love to say that there’s no risk here, and I can’t say that. But there’s minimal risk, and that’s what we’re going to have to deal with for the near future.”

What is the risk of indoor dining if you’re vaccinated?

By nature, restaurants bring together multiple households in the same space, without everyone wearing masks. The more people in the restaurant, the greater the risk, especially now, when the majority of the country remains unvaccinated.

“Even if you’ve been vaccinated, there’s a risk of you potentially becoming infected, and we’re also concerned you could still transmit (the virus) asymptomatically to other people in the restaurant,” says Mareiniss.

No vaccine is ever 100% effective, and researchers are still studying how effective the COVID-19 vaccines are against multiple circulating variants, as well as if you can be a silent carrier when you’re vaccinated. Until there’s more data, Mareiniss encourages caution.

However, early research in both of these areas is pointing in a positive direction, and Goldstein says there are bigger risks we must tackle — the main one being vaccine hesitancy.

“Unfortunately when we tell people, ‘Why get vaccinated if nothing changes?’ it seems to disincentivize getting vaccinated, and vaccination is the best tool that we have right now to get back to normal,” says Goldstein. “Once vaccinated, you dramatically lower the risk to yourself and others and should be able to enjoy eating in a restaurant.”

But Craig Shapiro, a pediatric infectious diseases specialist in Delaware, says community transmission rates aren’t yet low enough to let down our guard.

There are other ways vaccinated people can spread the virus — and that’s if you get infected. Current variants make it challenging to predict your exact risk of getting infected.

“You’re not likely to need hospitalization or die (if you get infected after vaccination), but does that mean you couldn’t spread it to someone else? No, and you’re increasing that risk by entering an environment that we know is particularly risky,” says Shapiro.

“It’s a tightrope we’re walking. We want people to get vaccinated, we want to give them hope, and getting the vaccine does make it safer to do more things,” Shapiro adds. “If you are going to dine in, the most important things are going to be (table) spacing, mask wearing, ventilation and the cleaning processes.”

Shapiro recommends calling in advance. If a place can’t communicate their safety measures, choose another restaurant.

What about outdoor dining?

As the weather heats up, outdoor dining becomes a more practical option in many U.S. locations, and the good news is that even many of the most cautious experts say they’d feel comfortable dining outdoors once fully vaccinated.

“I’d be totally fine eating outdoors and with low-risk people,” says Mareiniss. “But everyone in their household must be low risk. If grandma’s at home, I wouldn’t eat with them.”

Goldstein says he’d choose outdoors, too, if sharing a meal with people who aren’t yet vaccinated. Shapiro says he’d always recommend outdoor dining over indoor when it’s an option. As more people become vaccinated, advice is expected to evolve.

“At some point, we also have to understand this virus isn’t disappearing,” says Shapiro. “It’s going to become part of our daily lives, just like influenza or any other respiratory virus, and at some point, we are going to have to accept those risks, albeit hopefully when they become even smaller, but that risk is never going to be zero. Once we can be in an environment and know everyone is vaccinated, that’s the best that we can do.”

---

(This article appeared in the New York Daily News, April 18, 2021)

The Star Trek TOS episode Space Seed was on TV Saturday; the episode with Khan (the genetically engineered “superman” Khan, not the guy who built Data Khan).

And a thought occurred to me. So, in the episode they comment on how Khan has “magnetism” and he’s portrayed as charismatic and seductive (both in the sexual/romantic sense and in the more general sense). Personally I didn’t really see the appeal, he seemed like basically just an unpleasant violent narcissist to me, but then I guess some people are into that; I guess he might appeal to the sort of person who really likes Donald Trump.

But I had a thought... OK, Khan is supposed to be a genetically engineered “superman,” created to be superior to ordinary humans; stronger, smarter, etc.. And a lot of physical attractiveness is features that indicate health and genetic fitness. So maybe Khan would look unnaturally handsome. Like, maybe he has super-symmetrical facial features and absolutely perfect skin and teeth and he moves with the speed and grace of a natural Olympic-level athlete and Julliard-level dancer and so on. He doesn’t look that way to me, but we can apply the logic fans have applied to Klingon foreheads and the rubber suit Gorn in TOS and assume what we see on the screen is an imperfect reflection of what Khan “really” looks like. Maybe a lot of Khan’s charisma is just halo effect from him being unnaturally handsome! He has such a big ego and is so proud of his own cleverness and “natural leader” personality traits, I think it’d be funny if a lot of his charisma is really something stupid like that and he’s smart and observant enough to realize it and deep down it bothers him a little!

Mmm, concept:

It does bother him. He uses it, of course. Charisma is a powerful tool and weapon; to refuse to use it out of petty pride would be foolish. And he really is charismatic in the ways he’s proud of being. He really is smart enough to figure out what makes people tick and use that knowledge to manipulate them. He really does have the drive, ambition, vision, and aggression of a natural conqueror, and people sense that and respond to it. He really does impress people with his intelligence and strength. It’s hard to untangle all this from the boost his charisma gets from his unnatural beauty, and to try is at best a matter of blue sky curiosity, at worst indulging one of his few gnawing goblins of self-doubt. Khan is smart enough to know what his charisma is, and pragmatic enough to use it to its full potential.

Still, deep down it bothers him to think that some of his charisma is something that stupid; to think that a difference of a few millimeters of bone and tissue here and there might have made him less successful. Khan relishes bending people to his will with his mind; knowing that something as stupid as “deep down that person wants to please me because I’m beautiful and it feels good to be liked by a beautiful person” is part of the “recipe” taints his triumph, makes him doubt himself. It’s one of the few sources of self-doubt Khan has.

Not everyone responds to Khan’s unnatural handsomeness the same way. A significant minority are actively repulsed by it; they find him too handsome, too perfect; they find it uncanny valley-ish, creepy. And some people just don’t seem to notice physical attractiveness much, or just don’t seem moved by it. And sometimes people are uncomfortable with the feelings Khan’s unnatural handsomeness creates in them and this makes them hostile to him; that happens especially often with men. Khan relishes dealing with people who don’t respond positively to his beauty, manipulating them, bending their minds and hearts to his will. With them he knows it’s a true match of wits and personality; with them his victory is pure.

On a certain level, deep down, Khan envies people like Adolf Hitler, who were charismatic but physically unattractive. They could be secure in the knowledge that their power came from the strength of their minds. When he was younger he once half-seriously considered mutilating his face or getting plastic surgery to make himself uglier, just to make manipulating people more of a challenge, but that was a foolish idea, and he no longer entertains it with any seriousness.

His fellow “superiors” have the same unnatural beauty, and he sometimes wonders if they have the same feelings about it. He’s discussed the matter with a few who he’s closest to, but it’s not something he talks about much.

He tells himself that people responding to his beauty are just responding to his natural fitness to lead in a roundabout way. He asks himself rhetorically why people desire to please and serve beautiful people, and he answers his own question thus: partly because beauty is correlated with health and genetic fitness, and therefore with intelligence and sanity! This leadership-selection strategy is not conscious, but natural selection has carved it into human behavior at the genetic level. This makes him feel a little better, but still... He knows well how sloppy such intuitive heuristics are, and the idea of owing some of his success to something so loosely connected to the strength of his mind bothers him a little. It bothers him, mildly and secretly but persistently, like a cigarette burn under his shirt.

Sometimes Khan wonders if some beautiful women, Marilyn Monroe for example, felt something like the way he feels. To consider this thought gives him a strange feeling; it makes him feel an empathy based on shared suffering of a sort, and he’s not used to empathizing with normal humans that way.

Khan is good at empathizing with people in the sense of cognitive empathy, of knowing how they think, of course. It’s an important part of his charisma; to manipulate people it really helps to understand them. Some conversation with a normal and observation of them and he can often predict their reactions better than they can. But the sort of empathy that comes from shared suffering ... he’s not used to feeling that toward normals. He’s really not used to feeling it toward anybody, because he’s experienced very little suffering. There was the suffering of defeat at the end of the Eugenics Wars, of course, and ... that was about it. He grew up pampered and privileged, surrounded by his creators, who treated him like a prince and told him he was special, better than most people, the next step in human evolution. He had tremendous power and privilege for most of his life. His perfect body has only ever known two kinds of pain, injury-pain (rarely) and exhaustion-pain (mostly only mildly); he has never felt a headache or a back-ache or anything like that, he has never been sick. Even the suffering of defeat was mostly an abstract intellectual and emotional pain; only at the very end was he in any sort of direct physical danger. He has been in battle, he fought hand-to-hand during the coup that first brought him to power and during the chaotic last days before he fled from Earth, he has directly killed people in combat ... but that was more exhilarating and fun to him than anything else; his creators gave him the temperament of a brave warrior.

Once, early in his rise to power, Khan tortured a prisoner by burning them with a lit cigarette. How the weak little thing squirmed and squealed! Afterwards, he tried burning his own arm with a lit cigarette, just to see what it felt like. The pain didn’t seem so bad to him, but then his creators made him resilient enough that he doesn’t need to coddle every little injury, and they adjusted his nervous system suitably, gave him a high pain threshold.

Sometimes Khan does experience a pang of sad visceral empathy toward the unfortunate. He imagines what it would be like to be one of the wretched of the Earth: poor, slow, stupid, weak, sickly, ugly, awkward, wracked by physical and emotional pain, tormented by hunger, thirst, heat, cold, chronic pain, sadness, anxiety, fear, loneliness, impotent anger, shame, sexual frustration, battered about like a leaf in a storm by forces they can’t understand and can’t effect, used and tricked and abused by people smarter or stronger or just higher-status. That ... that must be awful. In his own arrogant, condescending way he really does want to help the normals. He really does want to fill full the mouth of famine, and bid the sickness cease. He intended to make the world orderly and peaceful, and to make sure everyone had the food, shelter, clothing, medicine, etc. they needed and lived in what he considered reasonable comfort and dignity. He created as close an approximation as he could of those conditions within the domains he controlled. They say he was the best of the tyrants.

He’s a convinced elitist, but it would only have been temporary. If he’d won, within a few generations everyone would have been a superior, like him. With time the process that created him could have been made cheaper, made available to everyone who wanted to make a child; if he’d won he’d have made that a great civilizational project, as important as the fusion reactors he saw providing endless cheap energy by burning the deuterium of the oceans and the great vaccination and infrastructure-building campaigns he intended to launch in Africa and Asia and Latin America and the asteroid mining and the... No more need for an elite of superiors when everyone is a superior. And no more arthritis, or depression, or ... so many bad things would have disappeared into the history books when the last generation of normals expired peacefully of old age (joining war and poverty, which he intended to banish into the past much sooner). And in the mean time he’d have seen to it that the last generations of normals lived in as much comfort and dignity as their flawed bodies and limited minds permitted.

And that would have only been the beginning! He looked forward beyond that, to future generations that would be as far beyond him as he was beyond the normals - further! He looked forward to a future of - who knew, immortals seemed like the next obvious step. And after that perhaps god-like immortal minds freed from the limitations of flesh, building for themselves vast magnificent new bodies of silicon and steel in which they would outlive the stars. He probably wouldn’t have seen it, as perfect as his body is it still ages. He wouldn’t even have outlived the last normals. Like Moses, he would have led his people to the border of the promised land but died outside its gates, it would have been to his successor or his successor’s successor to lead them through into the land of milk and honey and dwell there with them. But, perhaps, huddled around one of the last black holes at the end of the time, sipping Hawking radiation to power slow thoughts that took a thousand years to think, there would have been beings that remembered him, that saw his face and touched his hand in the staggeringly distant era when they were still human and had chosen to keep the memory of that as the stars burned out and all through the long bright joyous festival in the cold of the ultimate night. That concept pleased him.

It was not to be. Well, he doesn’t blame the normals too much for rejecting him. The way he figures it, most of them just weren’t smart enough to understand what he was offering, and getting angry at them for that is like getting angry at a non-verbal autistic for being unable to speak.

Once, when he was a child, he was walking alone through the expansive beautiful pleasant garden of his creators’ compound, in the pleasant cool of evening after a hot Indian day, and he found a bird with an injured wing. He supposes Dr. Hibbert’s cat must have mauled it and then gotten distracted by something and wandered off. One of its wings was bloody and wounded and broken and twisted, dragged against the ground as it walked. When he walked toward it, it walked away from him as fast as its little legs could carry it, and then it tried pathetically to fly, flapping its wings furiously and impotently. The sight of it filled him with a queasy mix of revulsion and pity. His first impulse was to run away from it, and his second impulse was to seize a stone and put it out of its misery, but his third impulse, the one he chose to obey, was to capture it and try to fix its wing and tend to it and feed it until it healed. It tried to escape from him as he tried to capture it, and it struggled furiously as he seized and held it, beating its wings furiously and scratching at the air and his hand with its claws. The panicked, vital thing in his hands revolted him, and its claws scratched his fingers and drew blood, but he forced himself to be as gentle with it as he could, to bring it inside and clean and apply antibiotic to its wound and reset and bandage its wing as it tried to escape his grip. He knew it was only natural that it would fight him and try to escape from him; it couldn’t understand that he was trying to help it; its brain couldn’t be much bigger than a peanut, far too small to contain the knowledge of what he was trying to do for it, too small to contain anything but that which was immediately relevant to its wretched and limited life, the search for food and the avoidance of and flight from predators and the building and tending of a nest and mating and laying and tending of eggs and tending of any young that might hatch from them. If it thought at all about what was happening to it, it probably thought he was trying to eat it, or more likely its struggles were simply instinctive, and the process of setting the wing and cleaning and bandaging the wound must have caused it pain. He set its wing and cleaned and bandaged its wound despite its efforts to escape him, and then he put it in a cage Dr. Pretorius gave him and he fed and tended it until its wing was healed, and then he took it into the garden and let it fly away, to continue its wretched and limited and meaningless life in the wild. Perhaps it lived to its kind’s version of old age (perhaps 15 years, he looked it up, and he has an almost eidetic memory) and knew a few moments of something like joy now and then, or perhaps it was eaten by a cat the next day.

When he thinks of the defeat that forced him to flee from Earth, deep into the dark, he thinks of that bird scratching his fingers as he tried to help it.

They say he was the best of the tyrants.

He killed more people than Hitler and Stalin.

------

Note: this is a model for, like, approximately Space Seed period Khan; Wrath of Khan period Khan has known real suffering intimately and would be a lot more bitter. Negative character development lol. Especially as the whole “we couldn’t tell two completely different planets apart” thing in Wrath of Khan is so absurd that I kind of headcanon that would actually happened is that Khan wanted revenge for his wife’s death, decided he’d rather be the ruler of a populous world than the leader of a 72 person village, tried to MacGyver up a small starship to reach a civilized world, ended up crashing on the much less habitable next planet out in that solar system, and in true Hitler/Trump-like fashion blamed somebody else (Kirk) for the consequences of his own overreach and disastrous failure.

10 Things you should know about Hyundai Alcazar

Approaching its worldwide introduction, Hyundai Alcazar has been featured in a special video. Here is what’s in store from the forthcoming SUV as far as valuing, motor choices and a highlight list

A month ago, Hyundai India gave out the plan representations of its upcoming SUV, Alcazar, and a week ago a creation model was prodded in a special video indicating the extents of the seven-seater SUV. Be that as it may, the wraps will be removed from the SUV tomorrow (i.e April 6, 2021) and we will likewise discover more about the motor choices, including a list and potentially the cost. For the present, the following is what’s in store from the Hyundai Alcazar seven-seater SUV.

Cost

How about we start from the core of the matter. The Hyundai Alcazar will generally be founded on the Creta and thus, it will be situated higher in the Korean maker’s portfolio. All things considered, the normal value range is between Rs 12–19.5 lakh ex-display area. The Alcazar could undermine its key adversaries — Goodbye Safari and MG Hector In addition to. Goodbye Safari is valued between Rs 14.69 lakh and the most noteworthy Experience Persona variation retails for Rs 25.25 lakh ex-display area. The MG Hector In addition is situated between Rs 13.34 lakh up to Rs 19.43 lakh ex-display area. Automotive services shops will be shops that work in specific parts like brakes, suppressors and fumes frameworks, transmissions, body parts, car jolt, auto climate control system fixes, car glass fixes and establishment, and wheel arrangement. These automotive services shops are very helpful in maintaining your vehicles.

Drivetrain

The Alcazar could make a big appearance with both petroleum and diesel motors — with the comfort of a programmed. It has been supposed that the Alcazar diesel could be offered with a bigger 2.0-litre diesel motor than serves in the BS6 Hyundai Tucson. While the petroleum motors could be shared from the Hyundai Creta. Probably the Hyundai Creta’s 1.5-liter NA and 1.4-liter super petrol could be conveyed forward into the Alcazar. With the decision of a discretionary programmed transmission also.

Features:

A month ago, Hyundai uncovered the plan representations of the Hyundai Alcazar that displayed a dashboard likewise styled to the Hyundai Creta. Centerline furnished with skipper seats. What’s more, third line seats with devoted AC vents and force attachments. Hyundai Blue Connection associated tech will be made accessible with the Alcazar also. Solace animals like ventilated seats, level base directing haggle shifters could be accessible with the Hyundai Alcazar.

Hyundai Alcazar Launch Updates:

Planned to be dispatched in May, Hyundai had to push the dispatch of the Alcazar by a month given the Coronavirus pandemic related lockdown. The Alcazar is the 7-seater kin of the average-sized Creta

The continuous lockdown in chosen states in the nation has made every destruction as far as item dispatches in the car space. Simply recently we revealed that Skoda will currently get the Octavia at some point one month from now, subsequent to being compelled to reschedule its dispatch from April. Hyundai, as well, has joined the fleeting trend as it gets set to get the all-new Alcazar in the second 50% of June. The Korean carmaker took the wraps off the 7-seater SUV in April and was at first booked to dispatch it in May.

For the unenlightened, the Alcazar is a fair-sized 7-seater SUV dependent on the Creta. Truth be told, the Alcazar is controlled by similar motor and transmission choices as the smash hit Creta. In the engine, the Alcazar will accompany petroleum, just like a diesel motor choice. The gas controlled Alcazar makes 157 bhp and 191 Nm from a 2.0-litre four-chamber unit — the very one that additionally controls the Elantra and the Tucson. The Alcazar imparts its diesel heart to the Creta — a 1.5-litre four-chamber unit that pushes out 113bhp and 250Nm. The two motors come combined with a 6-speed manual just as 6-speed programmed transmission.

As far as measurements, the Alcazar’s front and back tires sit 2,760mm separated, which is 150mm more than the Creta. While the Alcazar imparts a great deal of its parts to the Creta, it has a couple of changes in plan, similar to a reconsidered front grille, another arrangement of wheels, bigger back entryways and that’s only the tip of the iceberg. Anticipate some unpretentious changes within also.

As you’d anticipate from any vehicle with a Hyundai identification on the hat, the Alcazar also will come vigorously stacked with highlights. The element list incorporates 10.25-inch touchscreen infotainment with Apple CarPlay and Android Auto, remote telephone charging, associated tech, 360-degree camera, ventilated and electrically customizable front seats and that’s just the beginning.

Appointments for Alcazar have effectively started. At the point when dispatched, the Alcazar will assume any semblance of the Goodbye Safari, MG Hector In addition to and the Mahindra XUV500. Expect the Hyundai 7-seater to be estimated barely higher than the Creta in the Rs 12–18 lakh range.

Hyundai Alcazar v/s Hyundai Creta:

The Hyundai Alcazar will make its introduction in the coming weeks. We contrast it with the Hyundai Creta, on which the Alcazar is to a great extent based.

Hyundai India has permitted us to encounter its forthcoming Alcazar seven-seater SUV. Albeit the SUV was totally covered, we encountered its drivetrain, and you can find out about it by clicking here. While we can’t uncover a lot, attributable to a ban on uncovering data about the Alcazar’s inside, we can utilize the data given by Hyundai itself in regards to a portion of its highlights to contrast it and its kin — Hyundai Creta.

The Creta gets three motor alternatives to be browsed. Hyundai offers the alternative to pick between two petroleum and one diesel motors alongside discretionary programmed transmission. Alcazar, then again, gets just two motors to browse — one petroleum and one diesel. The two motors accompany a decision of a discretionary six-speed programmed transmission.

In-Lodge:

While the Alcazar is Hyundai’s rebound into the seven-seater SUV fragment, it very well may be had with a six-seat setup too. In the last arrangement, there will be no seat in the subsequent line, and the Alcazar will have two skipper seats. The commander seats are parted by a mid control area, which bends over as an arm-rest and houses cup holders. The Creta, then again, is a five-seater SUV and offers just a seat for the second line of seats.

The third line can oblige two travellers and gets a 50:50 parted capacity. The third line of seats can be parted for better load space for the executives or can be collapsed flush into the boot floor if need be.

Outside:

The Alcazar gets a solid portion of chrome at the front. The grille sports distinctive plan components than the Creta. The combination wheel configuration is unique. The Alcazar will have bigger 18-inch wheels than the 17-inch wheels of the Creta. The Alcazar even gets a venturing board on one or the other side for simple entrance and stray travellers.

The Alcazar is relied upon to be dispatched in the coming weeks. The costs are required to correspond with Rs 80,000–120,000 higher than that of the Hyundai Creta. Its valuation could be between Rs 12 and 19 lakh (ex-display area).

Preview:

With Hyundai’s current SUV setup acquiring achievement and piece of the pie as time passes, the Korean automaker has now focused on the quickly arising three-line SUV section. We investigate the Alcazar. Car dealers in Rajkot are available for selling cars at affordable prices. It makes your tasks easy while you are thinking about buying a car in your own budget.

Returning on of Hyundai’s huge accomplishment with SUVs in India — the brand has effectively sold more than 10 lakh SUVs in the nation — the Alcazar will be the first seven-seater Hyundai item sold in Quite a while. In view of a similar stage as the Creta, the stage for the Alcazar has been stretched out by 150mm long to oblige the third line of seating and make more inside room. The Alcazar likewise gets visual updates to make it stand apart from the Creta. The significant changes incorporate a pristine, glossy grille, which looks very appealing, 18-inch wheels, and a shiny new backside plan. The new back plan is a decent touch, as it gives the Alcazar a more customary allure. Changes to the backside incorporate another rear end with chrome badging and new taillights, and regardless of the expansion long and wheelbase, the general extents of the Alcazar are very adjusted, and the plan is adjusted by greater 18-inch compound wheels.

Obviously, given its additional length, the Alcazar likewise gets longer back entryways, just as a major glass board on the C-column, which should cause the inside of the Alcazar to feel very breezy, particularly for third line travellers. Furthermore, to improve the decision, the Alcazar will be offered in both 6-and 7-seater renditions. Furthermore, with regards to motors, the Alcazar will offer the natural 1.5-litre diesel motor, which is likewise accessible in the Creta and produces 113bhp. In any case, for a petroleum motor, the Alcazar gets a 2.0-litre unit, which is likewise highlighted on the Elantra and which produces 157bhp. The two motors will be offered with 6-speed manual and programmed gearbox alternatives. Notwithstanding, anticipate that the Alcazar should be offered with a front-wheel-drive just, with Hyundai not wanting to present an all-wheel-drive adaptation.

On the see occasion, the underlying feelings of the SUV were very acceptable, despite the fact that we drove it just for an exceptionally brief period. The new 2.0-litre petroleum motor feels very torquey, and keeping in mind that the test vehicle wasn’t completely stacked, I figure the motor will adapt well significantly under weighty burden conditions. The ride is recognizably stiffer than the Creta, which I believe is likewise a positive, as I discovered the Creta’s ride to be all in all too delicate. And keeping in mind that we can’t yet show you the inside, what I can advise you is that the second line skipper seats feel very great — they additionally include slide change in accordance with improving legroom in the second and third column. Taking everything into account, it is fit for the most part for youngsters. Indeed, even with each of the three lines of seating being used, there is 180 litres of boot space accessible, which can fit two duffel sacks or a bunch of golf clubs. Curiously, the Alcazar likewise includes double blowers for the cooling framework and committed air vents for every one of the three lines to guarantee that the limited climate states of our nation don’t meddle with traveller solace.

Generally speaking, the Alcazar appears to be a commendable contender to the current smash hits in the three-column SUV portion — the MG Hector In addition to and Goodbye Safari. What’s more, contingent upon how Hyundai costs the Alcazar, it very well may be the start of another example of overcoming adversity for the Korean brand.

Source: https://aakaksharmahdev.medium.com/10-things-you-should-know-about-hyundai-alcazar-8d259abe89a1

socknography: the importance of preserving fan creator biographical data

i wrote earlier on utilizing collections and bookmarks to boost the archival power of ao3, and in that post mentioned how i wish authors would fill out their bios so we can preserve fanauthor information as well as we preserve the fics themselves. so, here is my rant about WHY WE ARE SO IMPORTANT.

for my masters thesis i wrote about the layered pseudonymity of fanfiction authors, and after doing a ton of research, i find myself still thinking of the pseudonymous/anonymous divide as it pertains to fic. we have authors we consider “famous” and ones whose followings eclipse that of traditionally published authors, but unlike traditionally published authors, we don’t put a handy bio at the end of our fics. in fact, if you want to find out about the author, you have to hope they’ve linked somewhere to their tumblr or twitter or dreamwidth, or they have consistent pseuds across platforms. and from there, you have to hope they have an ‘about me.’ but most, myself included, don’t.

unlike traditional publication -- where amazon and goodreads and even the back of the book contains biographical info -- and even unlike the rest of fandom archival etiquette -- which, despite having virtually no committed rules still maintains its organizational structure -- there is no standard etiquette on fanauthor biographical data. 

i speculate the reasons fanauthors are hesitant to write their own biographies is very complicated: 

there is no “ask” for it or existing standard. when i publish stories under my real name, i’m required to provide my bio, which contains my accomplishments, where i got my degree, where else i’m published, and my website. all literary author bios follow this formula, so they’re pretty easy to write. other than this post, i have never seen a request for fanauthor bios. so without an editor demanding it, and without a standard formula or platform to draw from, a total lack of information becomes the norm, and almost any info other than the standard “name. age. pronouns. ao3 name. list of fandoms and/or pithy one-liner” of tumblr or occasional ask game is seen as a deviation from the norm. even ask games get a bad rep sometimes, and they’re transitory, a post you see as you’re scrolling through to somewhere else, not static, like a dedicated profile page.

pseudonymity veers too close to anonymity. an anonymous author cannot have a biography. a pseudonymous author can, but biographies may be seen as defeating the purpose of writing under a pseudonym, or multiple pseuds. a sock account is a sock for a reason -- you don’t want it associated with your main. moreover, i believe fandom creates an environment in which to acknowledge your accomplishments and promote your own content is seen as narcissistic. fanfiction can sometimes be seen as a genre of selflessness, donating time and energy into a community centered around a shared canon, not personal gain. to acknowledge the self publicly is to invite attention, and attention is contradictory to anonymity.

shame and humility. the more information you have on the internet, the easier you are to find. very few fanauthors use their real names, or feel comfortable connecting their fan identity to their real one. i hear pretty constantly how often fanauthors hide their fannishness from their coworkers and loved ones, how only the people closest to them know they write/read fanfic. moreover, you might think “my most popular fic only has 10 kudos and 1 comment, nobody wants to know about me” (which is so not true, but i’ll get to that in a minute).

fandom is constantly changing. with a central archive for fanfiction in place, it’s easier now to be in multiple fandoms at once than it ever has been. if you want to read all sugar daddy fics, there’s a tag for that, and if you’re not picky about canon, you have an entire buffet of fandoms to choose from. communities are growing and shifting and changing shape. i move fandoms, and i keep my friends and readers from previous fandoms. i get dragged to new fandoms frequently. my interests and inspirations change, but i don’t erase my history or identity every time i move, i only add to it. i am always betts whether i’m in star wars or the 100 or game of thrones. but if you only read my fic, you don’t know the stories behind it. many people don’t know i entered fandom in the brony convention community in 2012, or that i was sadrobots before i was betty days before i was betts, or how fandom changed my life and led me through a path of personal trauma recovery, or that i co-founded wayward daughters, or ran the fanauthor workshop, or all these other things about fanfic that is not fanfic itself. 

if you are a fan creator, your fannish personal narrative matters. telling your story helps preserve the metatextual history of our genre.

i think constantly about what our genre will look like in 30 or 50 years, if it will be like other genres that began as subversions of the mainstream: comic books, beat literature, science fiction. genres that, at the time involved groups of friends creating stories for each other, bouncing ideas off of one another, experimenting with or distorting other genres, and which became, over time, well-regarded forms with rich histories. 

maybe one day, like the MCU, we’ll have a dedicated production company that churns out adaptations of longform coffee shop aus written between 2009 and 2015. maybe “BNFs” will be read in high school literature curriculums. maybe our work will end up on the real or virtual shelves of our great grandchildren. and if that happens, if fanfic goes entirely mainstream, how will fanfic authorship be perceived? how will fanpeople in 2080, if humanity is still around by then, interact with the lexicon we’ve created and preserved? what would you do if you found out Jane Austen wrote under five different sock accounts across three platforms over the span of twenty years? how would you, a fan of Pride & Prejudice, even begin to find all of her work?

we have so many social constraints pushing against us. there’s purity culture, which encourages further division of identity -- fanauthors may write fluff on their main and have various sock accounts for underage/noncon fics. if you’re a scarecrow, you’re much harder for a mob to attack. there’s misogyny, which dictates women/queer ppl shouldn’t be writing about or indulging in or exploring their sexuality at all. there’s intellectual property and a history of DMCAs, which, although kept at bay by the OTW, may still have influence on the “illegal” mentality of our work. with social armies against us, it’s easier to exist in the shadows, on the fringe. we change URLs based on our moving interests, and split our identities a million different ways, and keep sarcastic “me” tags full of self-deprecating text posts. we are difficult beasts to catch, because we have not been allowed to exist.

i spent a lot of time today googling the word for “pseudonymous biography” and came up empty-handed (if someone knows of an existing word, pls let me know. “pseudography” is apparently a fancy word for a typo; “pseudobiography” is a fake biography), so for lack of anything better, i’ve come up with the term “socknography” because 1) it’s funny and doesn’t sound intimidating, and 2) it encapsulates the sensitive and complicated way fanauthor identifying conventions work. and also i think “fanauthor biography,” “bibliography,” and “profile” just doesn’t cut it for the actual work of these pieces. they don’t necessarily include IRL biographical data, they include more historical/community context than a bibliography, and the words “profile” and “about me” don’t really inspire interaction, or acknowledge the archival importance of this work.

astolat’s fanlore page is my go-to example. astolat writes under multiple pseuds and has major influence in the history of fandom. she’s also a traditionally published author, but you notice, her ofic novels are not mentioned, nor any other real-life identifying information. fanlore has a really good policy on this in place, for those concerned about doxxing. 

(moreover, i am not suggesting you centralize your socks. they’re socks for a reason. but most everyone has a main, and that main identity has a story.)

there are 2 existing spaces to preserve socknographies. 

fanlore, a wiki owned by the OTW, you can make an account and create a user page (which is different than a “person” page) using a user profile template

ao3′s “profile” page, which is a big blank box in which anything goes

(i’m not including tumblr on this list because i don’t think it’s a stable platform.) 

fanlore’s template is straight to the point and minimal, which doesn’t really invite narrative the same way a literary bio would. ao3′s big blank box leaves us with the question -- wtf do i say about myself? how do i say it? how much is too much? and because of that, most profiles are either blank or only include a policy on translations/podfic/fanart, and maybe links to tumblr and twitter. but let me tell you, if i have read your fic and taken the time to move over to your profile, you better believe i am a fan. and as a fan, i want to Know Things.

here are the things i want to know, or

a potential template:

introduction (name/alias, age, location, pronouns, occupation)

accomplishments (degrees, personal history)

fan history (fandoms you’ve been in, timeline as a fan, how you were introduced to fandom/fanfiction, what does fandom mean to you -- this is where your fan narrative goes)

fandom participation (popular fics/posts, involvement in fan events/communities, side blogs, interviews, etc. 3 & 4 might be one and the same for you)

spotlight (which of your fics are most important to you/would you like others to read and why? what are the stories behind your favorite fics you’ve written?)

find me elsewhere* (links to tumblr, twitter, insta, etc.)

policies on fanart, fanfic of fic, podfics, and translations

*you cannot link to ko-fi, paypal, patreon, or amazon on ao3/fanlore per the non-commercial terms of service

i’ll be working on filling this out for my own profile as an example, but you can also see how my @fanauthorworkshop participants filled out their fanauthor spotlights, and the information they provided. obviously, you should only share that which you feel comfortable sharing, and as your fandom life changes, your narrative will change too. it’s not much different than updating a CV or resume.

tl;dr the goal is to provide a self-narrative of your fan life/identity for posterity. who are you and why are you a fanperson? why do you create fan content? what are you proud of and what do you want to highlight to others? who are you in this space?

Nine Factors to Consider When Buying a  Water Dispenser

With regards to the must-have apparatuses for your office and home, water gadgets are no special case. Regardless of whether you go to lavish inns, pastry kitchens, little nearby shops, and so on, you will consistently discover a water cooler some place.

How about we concede; these machines have been perhaps the best apparatus to date. The significance of possessing a water cooler can not be sabotaged, particularly for individuals living in hot districts. Water coolers and water containers are almost the equivalent, contingent upon the model you are looking for. 

1. A Home Water Cooler or Dispenser?

You're presumably acquainted with little ledge channels, home water distributors, and office water coolers. How about we take a gander at the distinctions.

Not all coolers and distributors have a channel, but rather many do, so try to take a gander at the determinations.

Distributors, instead of coolers, aren't normally electric and are not generally planned to cool (or warmth) the water.

A genuine home water cooler, then again, is in fact a container that you can get to straightforwardly from a tap or another delivery component, yet it additionally has an approach to keep the water cool. Subsequently the explanation they're generally explicitly called coolers. (Numerous warmth water too.)

Frequently, home water coolers are electric, so here are a couple of significant things to remember when buying one:

In a crisis, does the cooler administer water without power?

Would you be able to disengage the water gracefully from the cooler body and use only it?

Is it accurate to say that you are set up to manage the commotion from the electric cooling system?

It is safe to say that you are mindful of how running an electric home water cooler may influence your electric bill?

These aren't really all the elements to consider, so you may make something like an expert/con list to choose what turns out best for your family. Try not to race into this buy, especially in case you're seeing electric models!

2. Where Will You Put It?

Dissimilar to the more modest alternatives that are advantageous on an everyday premise except not dependable in a crisis, the comfort and security of five-gallon home water coolers accompany an interesting test: their sheer size.

A five-gallon home water allocator or cooler is a big deal: Five gallons of water weighs more than 40 pounds, and actually the coolers must be so little. In the event that you have a spot for it at the top of the priority list while shopping, it will be simpler for you to choose your water cooler's measurements.

3. What Can You Afford?

You need a quality home water cooler, however more costly doesn't generally mean better quality. Search for arrangements of the best home water coolers and audits prior to settling on your choice. You shouldn't have to spend as much as you anticipate!

Be cautious, however, in light of the fact that the least expensive plastic choices are destined to defile your water or break. In any case, having them in your house is far superior to having none by any means.

Something else to remember is the requirements of everyone around you. By cooperating and accommodating those out of luck, entire networks can endure the direst of conditions. In case you're monetarily capable, consider buying and disseminating additional water gadgets for the individuals who are less lucky.

4. What Is It Made Of?

Numerous five-gallon home water coolers are produced using plastic, yet there are various fired models available too.

Plastic is becoming undesirable around the planet thanks to a limited extent to the worldwide green development. An artistic water gadget isn't just more ecologically benevolent, but on the other hand it's a method to normally keep your water chilled.

Did you realize that fired's characteristic cooling capacity is so solid, indeed, that it very well may be utilized as a characteristic cooling framework? A similar rule applies to keeping your water holds overall quite cold.

The drawback to fired home water coolers is, obviously, that they break without any problem. A considerable lot of them are earthenware bowls or containers that lay on a base that is not safely associated or absolutely steady, so mishaps are certainly conceivable.

On the off chance that you can store them away from your family's exercises, however, it's an extraordinary choice!

5. Is It Safe for Children?

Is the water cooler you're peering toward too simple to even think about using? Consider the common sense of water container models in your family home.

Water coolers that put their taps in your baby's compass are a catastrophe waiting to happen—splashing the floor, best case scenario. Judge how kid-verification and stable a home water container is before you get it.

What's more regrettable, however, is the threat of kid furniture mishaps, so make a point to purchase a water cooler your youngster can't maneuver down onto oneself.

6. Can Pets Get Into It?

Possibly a little child can't pull your five-gallon water gadget down, yet what happens when your Doberman runs head-first into it while pursuing a ball? Consider the possibility that your cat scratches it excessively hard with needle-sharp hooks, or your razor-toothed little dog chomps it. Is it going to fall over, break, break, break, hole, or burst?

In the event that the appropriate response is "Yes," and you have pets in your family unit, it's to everyone's greatest advantage to locate a more pet-accommodating alternative.

7. Where and How Will You Refill It?

For a few, topping off a five-gallon water cooler is no biggie. In any case, actually lifting 40 pounds of water isn't simple for the majority of us!

It's essential to know whether you'll have the option to fill it yourself, which is ideal since you may not generally have the option to get to help.

In the event that you live alone and would battle to fill your gadget, think about whether family or companions are close by to help. Some water coolers can be filled from the top, which can be a superior answer for individuals who live all alone.

8. Keeping up Your Five-Gallon Water Dispenser

Various models of home water coolers and gadgets have fluctuating support conventions.

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Dancing in the Rain Chapter Three

Next Chapter, darlings. 

Things are going to happen and happen faster from hereon out.  Please keep checking the tags, and if you have any concerns, please shoot me a message! 

Eternal thanks to @juuls for putting up with me. 

Love, Annaelle 

Chapter Three

PROJECT PHOENIX PHASE 1 PROGRESS REPORT

REPORT OF MEDICAL EXAMINATION OF TEST SUBJECT

NAME BARNES, REBECCA AGE 23            RACE CAUCASIAN                  SEX FEMALE

DATE OF FIRST INJECTION APRIL 20, 2008

DATE OF EXAMINATION MAY 26, 2008                       EXAMINED BY ELISA SINCLAIR

CONDITION OF THE SUBJECT BEFORE FIRST INJECTION (DAY 0) EYES BLUE      HAIR BROWN WEIGHT 67 KG            LENGTH 173 CM

CONDITION OF THE SUBJECT AFTER FIRST INJECTION (DAY 38)

EYES BLUE      HAIR BROWN WEIGHT 70 KG            LENGTH 176 CM

MARKS AND WOUNDS (HEALING FACTOR)

—LAST INFLICTED INJURIES 48 HOURS AGO—

THREE BROKEN RIBS IN REMODELING STAGE OF HEALING (HEALING STAGE WEEK 6) – INDICATION OF ACCELERATED HEALING IN MINOR FORM

CLEAN BREAK IN FEMUR OF LEFT LEG (HEALING STAGE WEEK 3) – INDICATION OF ACCELERATED HEALING IN MINOR FORM

ONE DEEP PENETRATIVE WOUND ON UPPER ARM IN PROLIFERATIVE STAGE OF HEALING – FURTHER INDICATOR OF ACCELERATED HEALING IN MINOR FORM

SEVERAL MINOR PENETRATIVE WOUNDS ACROSS UPPER TORSO AND LEGS IN PROLIFERATIVE STAGE OF HEALING – FURTHER INDICATOR OF ACCELERATED HEALING IN MINOR FORM

CHAFE WOUNDS ON ANKLES AND WRISTS IN VARIOUS STAGES OF HEALING – FURTHER INDICATOR OF ACCELERATED HEALING IN MINOR FORM

RECOMMENDATIONS FOR FURTHER EXPERIMENTATION

SUBJECT IS SUITABLE TO PROCEED TO PHASE TWO OF PROJECT PHOENIX

MOVE SUBJECT TO SECONDARY BASE FOR INTERACTION WITH THE WINTER SOLDIER AND FURTHER CONDITIONING

DATE MAY 26, 2008                 SIGNATURE    ELISA SINCLAIR

----------------

Tony Stark’s Personal Lab, Avengers Tower, Manhattan, New York, United States of America

30 April 2016Steve

Steve sat on a chair in the far corner of Tony’s lab, arms wrapped around his torso as he watched the others file into the lab. They’d spent most of the night combing through the data J.A.R.V.I.S. had collected and had, together, decided that it was in everyone’s best interest to call in the rest of the team to share what they’d found.

What they’d possibly found.

Steve understood why Tony… why Wanda thought that the terrorist group they’d been chasing might be Hydra. He saw the same patterns they did, he saw the kind of brutal effectiveness and zealotry that he’d only seen during the war in Hydra, and he saw.

He saw what Wanda meant when she had described her and Pietro’s experience with them, when she had talked about how they’d been meant to become tools to shape the coming century, to sow chaos so humanity would see they needed a strong hand to guide them. It sounded like things Schmidt would have said, like justifications Zola would have spouted for his sick human experiments—

He understood.

That didn’t mean he agreed.

There was nearly no direct evidence, nothing that pointed towards Hydra directly—no double salutes, no glowing blue weapons or secret bases with scarily advanced technology—nothing but rumors of misconduct, suspicious disappearances and something that, he had to admit, didn’t really add up with anything else.

Still, it was hard to believe that Hydra could’ve survived all this time—

That all he’d done would’ve been in vain.

“Why’re we here, Tony?” Becca asked when she walked in, rubbing her hand lightly over her belly. Thor followed her closely, waiting until she had taken a seat to press in behind her, letting her lean back against him. Natasha and Wanda were still sitting on one of the lab tables, leaning against each other tiredly, and Pietro was bouncing on his toes beside them.

Bruce and Tony were both wandering around the lab, tinkering and chatting distractedly.

“We should wait for Sharon, shouldn’t we?” said Tony questioningly, dropping the wrench he had been waving around for the last thirty minutes. “I mean, we’ve agreed to start trusting her, right? She’s gonna be our Becca for at least six months, she should be brought into the loop, shouldn’t she?”

Becca shook her head. “Sharon’s pretty sick, she’s not gonna be in today. Sore throat, ugly coughing, stuff like that. Brock called this morning, said he’s gonna take her to a doctor and let us know.” She leaned back into Thor again and winced a little, rubbing her hand over the side of her stomach where, Steve assumed, the baby had delivered a particularly hard kick.

“Okay,” Tony said. Then, “I have doctors on retainer for my staff. She could come here.”

“I’ll be sure to pass it along,” Becca said dryly. “Now why are we here?”

Tony heaved a sigh and spun on his heel, gesturing wildly at Steve, and Steve couldn’t help but smile, despite the grave subject. He pushed up, off his chair, and leaned against the table Nat and Wanda were sitting on. “We found something,” he said. “Well… Wanda and Nat found something.”

“Full disclosure,” Natasha said slowly, “We’re not a hundred percent sure, but…”

“We think Hydra might not be as dead and gone as we thought after all,” Tony blurted—again, Christ, Tony—before wincing and clapping his hand over his mouth again, like he had the previous night when he’d told Steve.

He crossed his arms over his chest and looked away as a deafening silence rang in the lab.

“I—what?!” Becca sputtered, eyes wide.

Thor leaned forward. “This is a very serious claim,” he said calmly, although his forehead was creased with concern. “Steven has told me much about these foes. If they are truly undefeated…” He did not finish, but he didn’t need to—the implication of Hydra’s return hung heavy in the air.

“We never knew what they were called,” Pietro said, and Wanda shook her head. “All we knew was that they lied to us,” she said, rubbing her fingers over the scars Steve knew lay hidden beneath her long sleeves. “They took many like us; willing, young… foolish. Others…” She bit her lip and chanced a glance at Steve. “Perhaps not so willing.”

“Regardless,” Steve said, and he hated that his voice was hoarse and unsteady. “We’re not sure that it’s Hydra, but we’re sure it’s something. And it goes up high. What we’ve found indirectly implicates senators, actors, ambassadors… even the World Security Council. We already knew this was bigger than them trying to frame Sharon, but…”

He sighed.

“This is much bigger than we anticipated.”

J.A.R.V.I.S. helpfully projected digital copies of the files they’d managed to collect in front of the others, and Steve watched as everyone began to sift through the collected documents and articles in there, every single one of them paling significantly as they did.

Steve knew the feeling.

Bruce looked faintly green around the edges, and Steve would be more concerned about him potentially hulking out if he didn’t have more faith in Bruce’s self-control. “What are we going to do?” Bruce choked. “What can we do?”

“Steve,” Becca said slowly, trembling fingers hovering over the digital file, “Why is my—the—why am I in here?”

“There seems to have been more to the attack that took out your squad than we thought,” Tony answered for him, voice gentle as he approached his godsister. His voice and expression were haunted. “There’s been a lot of suspicious activity around there since then too, and it just keeps happening. And…” He hesitated, looking to Steve helplessly.

Steve sighed and moved towards Becca, settling on the seat beside her and taking one of her hands in his. “We found files, detailing… detailing torture and experimentation that sounds a lot like what was done to you while Al ’Qaeda had you.”

Becca looked downright nauseated. “So you think it was Hydra?” she choked. “That they experimented on me?”

“No,” Steve said, shaking his head. “No. I mean, I don’t know. I just know that there might’ve been more to it than we originally thought. Than you might’ve thought.”

Becca swallowed thickly.

Thor rested a hand on her shoulder, rubbing a thumb over the tense line of her shoulder soothingly. Becca didn’t relax, per se, but she did exhale roughly. “Okay,” she said quietly. “So what else do we have? What are we doing? What’s our next step?”

“We need more intel,” Natasha said simply. “Steve got an invitation to a gala in a few days where a lot of the potentially incriminated ambassadors will be. We’re especially looking to talk to Julien Beckers,” she pulled up a picture of a sandy-haired man in a suit and a tie and continued, “the Belgian Minister of Foreign Affairs. He’s implicated in a lot of shady stuff, and apparently loose-lipped when plied with enough alcohol.”

Bruce frowned. “That seems like a pretty poor quality for someone involved with shady stuff.”

Tony nodded vigorously and pointed at Bruce. “And that’s why he doesn’t drink at public functions. The trick will be to get him drunk without him knowing, without arousing his suspicions.”

Bruce nodded. “That’s easy enough to arrange. All we need to do is sneak someone into the serving staff and make sure there’s some kind of undetectable drugging agent in his drink.” He frowned. “It’d probably help if someone was distracting him too.”

Natasha nodded. “Which is where Steve comes in,” she said. “And…” she looked towards Becca. “You, if you and Thor feel comfortable with it.”

Becca blinked. “Me?” she said, pointing at herself quizzically. “But I’m pregnant.”

“Yes,” Natasha nodded. “Which is why no one would suspect us of actually running an op if you’re there. No self-respecting first world country would put their visibly, famously pregnant agent on an active op in the field.”

“With good reason,” Thor said, frowning severely.

“She wouldn’t be in danger,” Steve put in immediately. “I’d be with her the entire time, and we’re just going to a party to talk to someone.” He looked at Thor seriously, imploringly. “I’d never put her in danger, Thor. Either of them.”

“She is right here,” Becca said impatiently. “And I can speak for myself.”

Steve abruptly looked at his best friend and winced. He had been out of sorts since Tony had told him about… about all of this, and so busy trying to figure this out that he’d just… forgotten Becca was sitting right in front of him and wasn’t going to let anyone—even Thor—tell her what to do.

“Sorry,” he said shortly. “I’m sorry. If you think you’re up for it, I could use your help.”

Becca looked at him intently, and he just barely managed not to squirm beneath her gaze before she asked, quietly, “And… you’re sure it’s safe? That nothing will happen?”

“As sure as we can be,” he nodded. “And Clint will be right with us, he can get to us faster than anyone should something go wrong.”

Natasha nodded intently, and Becca looked a little more reassured by that.

She looked up at Thor, questioning, and Steve looked away abruptly.

He’d… he’d been able to communicate with Bucky by just looking at him too, and he… while he was doing good, he still wasn’t great at watching someone else have what he’d lost.

“I’ll do it,” Becca said.

Steve swallowed thickly and nodded. “Okay.” He looked up at Tony. “Well. What’s next?”

Tony clapped his hands gleefully. “Shopping!”

------------

INTERNAL MEMO “The Thule Society Future Debates: Results and Actions”

SESSION NOVEMBER 1991                                                                                         VOLUME 1

COUNCIL OF REPRESENTATIVES OF CONTINENTAL FACTIONS

Monday, November 30, 1991

ASIA

The dissolution of the U.S.S.R. seems imminent. Local chapters of the Society have prepared for all eventualities and are imprinting new codes and failsafes into each of the Widows to ensure the continued longevity of the program.

EUROPE

The Society has gained foothold in Belgium after the general elections – traditional Christian parties and Socialist parties have lost significant amounts of seats in the House of Representatives to Society sponsored party Vlaams Blok.

Society partners are now hopeful to continue to gain access to several international agencies through their now established foothold in Belgian parliament.

AFRICA

Society groups have successfully destabilised government in Somalia and are currently feeding into the established chaos to continue spreading civil war into the surrounding nations.

NORTH AMERICA

The North American Society has learned of a potential opportunity to obtain the serum needed to proceed with Project Phoenix, provided a suitable genetic match for the Soldier can be obtained.

Recalibration and conditioning of the Soldier has been successful thus far – the Soldier will be sent to eliminate all targets and retrieve the serum. The Soldier’s new handler has assured the North American Society the incident from ’79 will not be repeated.

If proved successful, further responsibilities will be assigned.

Common Floor of the Avengers Tower, Manhattan, New York City, U.S.A.

3 p.m., 2

April 2016Steve

“I hate this,” Steve said glumly, staring down at himself with all the air of a defeated man.

Becca snorted a laugh from her seat at the vanity, where Natasha was doing something complicated to her hair. She was already fully dressed, the one-shoulder dark blue gown she’d picked achieving the exact effect they were hoping for—she looked soft and unthreatening, but had a gun strapped to her thigh and a knife to her ankle, and Steve was pretty sure he’d heard Natasha mention something about narcotics hidden in the pearls in her necklace. “Don’t be dramatic,” she said, rolling her eyes at him in the mirror. “I’ve seen you wear much worse than a bespoke suit, Rogers.”

Steve pouted. “It’s just so…” He ran his hands down the soft fabric of the waistcoat. “Fancy. Expensive. I think this suit cost enough to have fed Bucky’s entire family for a month when we were kids.”

Becca shook her head at him and Tony, who had just entered the room, barked a laugh. “Far be it for me to break your socialist little heart, Cap,” he joked, “but you’ll stand out more if you’re less fancy.”

Steve glowered at him but accepted his fate and sat on the large pouf to tie his ridiculously shiny, dark leather shoes. Thor, who had been mostly silent through the entire process, chuckled at Steve’s reticence and pronounced, “I think you look rather dashing, my friend. Shame you could not be adorned in the Aesir formal wear I had fashioned for you, but… This will do.” Steve wrinkled his nose and Thor laughed, clapping a hand on Steve’s shoulder companionably. “You cut an impressive figure, and you will do very well to escort my Rebecca to the gala tonight.”

Becca beamed at him from where she sat on her stool, Natasha’s hands still buried in her hair, twisting it onto the top of her head in a complicated mess of intricate braids and loose curls.

Steve grinned lightly and shook his head. He thought he may actually have felt more comfortable in the formal wear Thor had fashioned for each of the Avengers—he was far more used to standing out due to ostentatious and unconventional clothing than due to well-tailored and hideously expensive clothing—but he’d been outvoted.

“Plus, it’ll be a great opportunity to listen in on what Julien Beckers has to say,” Tony pointed out. “If he really is in with Hydra—or whatever it is,” he conceded when Steve made a protesting noise, “he might slip up if we get him drunk enough.”

“What if he switches to Dutch when he’s drunk though?” Steve pointed out reasonably. “I know a little, but mostly curse words and directions.”

Tony snorted derisively and waved his hand lightly. “J.A.R.V.I.S. is programmed into the comms units, so he’ll provide translations if you need any.” He frowned at Steve and added, “I can’t believe you thought I didn’t think of that. I’m hurt, Steven, hurt.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Steve waved his hand dismissively and slipped into his suit jacket. He moved to stand in front of the full-length mirror and looked at himself, rubbing his fingers over the light stubble that he’d uncertainly not shaved today. Natasha had insisted, said it made him look less threatening, less All-American goody-two-shoes, and Steve had long since learned not to question her.

He looked… polished. Older.

Not like himself at all.

Becca sidled up next to him, her dress falling over the swell of her belly in smooth, soft folds of dark blue fabric, hair piled on her head in a mess of braids and curls, and she leaned against him playfully, linking their arms together and grinning at him in the mirror.

“We look good, Rogers,” she grinned. “We’re gonna nail this bastard.”

Steve smiled tightly. “Absolutely,” he agreed.

She was right. All they had to do was get in, get some guy drunk, and get back out.

Easy peasy.

They had this.

------------

CBS News (@CBSNews) 2 min.

BREAKING: Fire Breaks Out at The Liberty Warehouse in Brooklyn, leaving dozens of guests of the Schliemann Fundraiser Gala outside in the cold! Follow developments here: cbsn.ws/5Ght67

------------

The Liberty Warehouse, Red Hook, Brooklyn, New York City, U.S.A.

9:47p.m., 2 April 2016Steve

The fire alarm was still blaring by the time first responders arrived and began ushering frightened, drenched guests dressed in expensive—and now ruined—silks and satins away from the terrace, out into the street and towards the awaiting ambulances. Most were clustered together in little groups, whispering frantically, pointing their phones at the broken glass on the sidewalk and the smoke billowing out from the windows nearest to the second-floor balcony.  

Steve stood amidst the chaos and blinked, confused—unsure about what had happened.

Everything—everything had gone so fast.  

One minute, he had been dancing with Beckers’ date, trying very hard not to tread on her toes, while Becca chatted happily with the man and plied him with specially developed alcohol provided by Clint, and the and the next, the fire alarm had been pulled, water was spritzing everywhere and he had lost Becca in the urgent throng of people.  

He couldn’t see Clint either, but he knew the archer could take care of himself, even though he was somewhat of a human dumpster fire most of the time.  

He frowned a little as he moved through the crowd of gossiping partygoers, glancing left and right to try to find Becca. His suit was uncomfortably wet, chafing against his skin as he walked—even his socks were wet—and he really just wanted to find Becca so he could call Happy to take them back to the Tower.

He wasn’t worried about her or about them getting separated—it made some sense.

When the alarm went off, he’d been on the dance floor and had gotten swept out the west fire exit with a group of others who’d been on the dance floor, while he presumed the people at the bar had been led out of the north exit.

He just needed to find someone who knew where the groups of evacuees that had been at the bar had been sent, so that he could find Becca.

The loud blaring of the fire alarm, coupled with the ringing sirens of emergency services, were loud enough to drown out anything Clint or Becca might’ve tried to say to him over the comms, and there’d been something about the building that interfered with their connection in the first place, so he couldn’t even call her, anyway.

A little annoyed, he pulled his phone from his pocket. He exhaled in relief when he noticed he had full bars, and he could text her despite whatever was blocking their comms; although he didn’t expect a response immediately—her phone was in her purse, and Steve wasn’t sure if she’d have thought to grab it off the bar when they were being ushered outside.

‘Nothing’s wrong,’ he told himself sternly as he walked around the building slowly, coming across several more groups of guests, none of which contained Becca. ‘She’ll be somewhere around the corner, chatting up Beckers like nothing’s wrong.’

Besides, he reasoned, it wasn’t like she’d activated any of the distress signals Tony had built into her bracelet, earrings, or shoes.

There was probably a really good reason he hadn’t found her yet.

Maybe she was running around the building trying to find him.

Maybe she’d been taken into an ambulance because she was pregnant, to be checked for smoke inhalation, to make sure everything was okay.

He’d find her.

He rounded another corner and breathed a sigh of relief when he spotted Beckers, facing Steve and talking to a woman with messy dark hair and a long, one-shoulder dress, who stood with her back to Steve.

Becca.

He exhaled sharply in relief and rushed forward, grasping at the woman’s shoulder and turning her around. “Becca,” he said in a rush, “I’ve been looking everywhere—”

He stopped short as the woman, who was taller than Becca, now that he looked closer, and very much not pregnant, blinked at him in surprise. “Sorry,” he said in an exhale, letting go of her immediately. “I thought you were…” He turned to Beckers, who was also regarding him with wide eyes, and demanded, “You were talking to my friend, earlier, before the alarm. Have you seen her? Did she come outside with you?”

“I can’t say that I have,” Beckers replied, looking convincingly puzzled. “She went to the bathroom shortly before the alarm went off, said something about the baby standing on her bladder. I didn’t see her again. Perhaps she is with another group?”

“Yeah,” Steve said, breathless, dread coiling in the pit of his stomach. “Yeah, probably.”

He turned away and looked around, feeling a little helpless when he still didn’t see her. His hands were trembling a little as he pulled out his phone again.

The message he’d sent to Becca was still unread.

“Fuck,” he said softly, before thumbing through his contacts until he found the one labelled ‘Sugar Daddy’—Tony thought he was funny—and pressed call.

“Spangles,” Tony crowed when he picked up. “What’s going on? Leave it up to you to ruin a perfectly good party by setting the building on fire, honestl—”

“Tony,” Steve interrupted impatiently. “Look, I’m—I’m probably overreacting. It’s pretty chaotic out here, but can you… Can you just have J.A.R.V.I.S. ping Becca’s tracker? I can’t find her, and… God, maybe we’re both trying to find each other and keep missing each other, but—for my peace of mind, can you just—”

“Yeah,” Tony said, and Steve could tell he was trying to sound calm. “Yeah, I got this.”

It only took a few seconds, but in those few seconds, the blaring fire alarm finally cut out, and Steve’s ears were ringing in the silence, his own breath absurdly loud in his ears, before Tony said, “Cap… Steve. Her trackers are all offline.”

The bottom of his stomach fell away.

There wasn’t a way to accidentally disable the subdermal trackers—they had to be cut out and smashed.

“Call in everyone,” he told Tony automatically, unthinkingly, swerving around to survey the crowd again, trying to see if Clint—probably still in disguise—was among them. “I’ll get Clint, we'll canvas the building and the streets, then get back to the Tower ASAP. Maybe she’s just… just around somewhere, or in the building still.”

“Steve,” Tony said, voice low and distressed, and Steve’s stomach twisted.

“I know,” he said shortly. “I know. Get the others.”

“Yeah,” Tony said shakily. “Yeah.”

He hung up and Steve looked around again. How the hell had this night gone so wrong so fast? And who the hell would want to kidnap Becca, of all people, at a gala with a guest list filled with foreign dignitaries and New York’s rich and famous?

And, Steve swallowed thickly, what would they do to her?

--------------------------------

Start from the beginning:

In Hell We Stand By You:

(1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8)

Never Feel Alone:

(1) (2)

Decisions:  (1)

Dancing with a Limp:

(1) (2)

Chances:

(1)

Starting Over:

(1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8)

Dancing in the Rain:

(1) (2)

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May I? - 7/?

May I? - 7/?

Fic Summary: Ensign Faith Diaz struggles to hide her mental illness from her fellow shipmates aboard the Enterprise until an intrigued Data goes out of his way to try to understand her behavior. At his insistence, Faith tries to figure out what she’s truly passionate about and eventually seeks the professional help she needs. Fic Masterpost.

Fic Rating: NC-17

Pairing: Data/Female OC

Warnings: tw: depression, tw: anxiety, fluff, friends to lovers, eventual smut

Screenshot by @ spacetailor

It had been two weeks since Data and Faith had found the unknown handprint. A sweep of the tubes was done but no other prints were found. However, there had been reports of other consoles around the station that had been tampered with. He and Faith continued to add them to their map, trying to find a connection. They had not been successful.

Faith's mood continued to fluctuate from day-to-day. There were times when she closed herself off or began breathing heavily, unable to speak without stuttering or tripping over her words. Most of the time she worked through it alone and if she could not, Data assisted by repeating her own instructions back to her. She did not ask him to. He did so on his own after a particularly difficult episode.

While the captain was frustrated with the lack of answers, he allowed Data and Faith to work at their own pace. So far nothing of great value had been taken. No one had gotten hurt or actually seen anyone on the ship who was not supposed to be there.

On a personal level, Data and Faith only interacted during their joint shifts but he found himself looking forward to those times. His Bridge duties had been reduced so he could focus on the assignment, which meant he spent most of his day with Faith. While he was able to witness some of the behavior Geordi had previously mentioned, it seemed to happen less and less. Certain days she was quieter than others but other than that, her work was improving even if her mood was not.

Data made his way to Counselor Troi's office for their weekly appointment. He greatly enjoyed their sessions and appreciated her insights. Now more than ever.

Deanna was already sitting down when he entered. She smiled. "Hello, Data. How are you doing today?"

"I am functioning at—" He paused, correcting himself. "I am well, Counselor." He took a seat.

"Anything new you wish to talk about?"

She started every session this way, knowing Data came prepared with numerous questions on various topics. This time, however, his thoughts were more focused.

"There is a recent development I wish to discuss," he said. 

"Tell me about it."

"It is about my friendship with Faith."

He did not miss the way her mouth twitched into a smirk. "Oh? I understand you two have been spending a lot of time together. I'm surprised you haven't brought her up before."

"I wanted time to process an interaction she and I had two weeks ago," Data explained. 

"So what's troubling you?"

"After I paid her a compliment, she seemed embarrassed and even though she gave me permission to continue, she still reacts this way each time I do so. She explained it was because she does not receive them that often. I find that difficult to believe."

"That one can be embarrassed by compliments?"

"No, that she does not receive them."

Deanna's smirk widened. "Why is that?"

"From what I have witnessed, she has a lot of positive qualities. Her intelligence exceeds many of her peers, she has shown great dedication in our joint assignment as well as a meticulous work ethic. She often considers my 'feelings' though I already explained to her that I do not have any. She is also one of the only people to not interrupt my 'babbling', as Captain Picard puts it. And if she does, she apologizes."

"It sounds like you admire her a great deal," Deanna said. 

"I believe I do."

"And it makes you confused that others don't?"

"Well...yes, I suppose it does." Data studied Deanna, looking puzzled. "Why are you smiling like that?"

"Data, if I didn't know any better, I would say you have a small crush on her."

"A crush?" He scanned his knowledge base for the definition. "Ah. A crush: an intense infatuation for someone. A secret burning desire to be with someone who you find attractive or special. A person you cannot get off your mind."

Deanna let him process, watching in amusement just as she had during his interactions with Faith.

"Huh...fascinating," he declared. "I have never had a crush before. How do I know that is what this is? Is it even something I am capable of? There are many questions."

"Well, you have had relationships with women before," Deanna said. "How does this compare to those?"

"I have had two romantic entanglements in my lifetime," Data explained. "Only one of those was intimate in nature."

"And?"

"And, with Tasha, it was a one-time experience brought on by a mind-altering virus. The other…" He thought of his relationship with Jenna. "...did not end well."

"I see," Deanna said. "However, if I remember correctly, you were pursued in both those cases. You have not pursued a romantic relationship on your own."

"I have not found the need to," Data explained. "And I do not know if that is what I would like to do with Faith."

"Understandable. Not all crushes are romantic in nature. What would you like to do?"

Data thought about her question, trying to determine the correct answer. "I want to spend more time with her," he declared. "Outside of our duties, I mean."

"That's a start," Deanna said. "Have you tried?"

"I have offered. However, she had yet to take advantage. I do not wish to push her."

"And that is all you can do at this time," Deanna said. "Let her know you are there for her and comfort her if she seeks it. Knowing you are there can make a difference, even if she doesn't take you up on your offer right away."

"Occasionally, she does seek my comfort during her anxiety episodes. Usually when she cannot handle them herself."

"That is a very personal thing to share with someone," Deanna told him. "You must mean something to her as well if she is comfortable being so vulnerable in front of you."

Data processed what the counselor said. While he followed her reasoning, he was still stuck on the notion that he might have "a crush". "If I understand the word correctly, would a crush not require feelings? Could this be another instance of me feeling emotion for the first time?"

"It's possible," Deanna said. "When you felt what you perceived to be anger, it came about suddenly and organically."

"That is correct. It was during my fight with the Borg that I was overcome with an intense sensation that I could not control. The only way I can describe it was being angry."

"And afterward, when you were trying to elicit an emotional response from yourself, it didn't work, correct?"

"Also correct. I subjected myself to many forms of stimuli but achieved no results."

"We discussed that the difference between the two was the organic nature of the first emotion. Perhaps that's what's happening here. There was something that drew you to Faith and it happened organically. You didn't seek her out and she did not seek you out. You were drawn together by circumstance and connected on a level you've never connected with someone before."

Even with his superior brainpower, what the counselor said was difficult for Data to wrap his head around. He was used to cause and effect, of being able to track the sequence of events which led to each individual moment and reaction.

"I find this all very confusing," he admitted.

Deanna smiled. "Welcome to being human. Most emotions are."

The idea of feeling as other humans feel made Data smile, though he was still trying to work out how to handle what was happening. 

"Should I tell her?" he inquired. 

"That is entirely at your discretion," Deanna said. "I can't make that decision for you."

"I understand, Counselor. But I would appreciate the advice."

Deanna sighed, leaning back in her seat. "If you are as unsure about the sensation as you claim, perhaps you shouldn't tell her quite yet. Wait until you've spent more time with her and then see if the feelings persist. If they do, then perhaps share them."

Data nodded in understanding. "What if she does not reciprocate?"

"Then you know where your relationship stands."

The counselor's words echoed in his mind for the rest of the day. He pondered how to proceed, eventually deciding to take her advice and keep the information to himself. His reasoning was that if he was wrong, he could potentially ruin a new friendship that was dear to him. He could not take that risk. 

Data arrived at Engineering and made for the assistant's office. It had been repurposed for Data and Faith so they could have a central location to continue their investigation.

When he arrived, he was surprised to see Faith was not in her usual seat. He sought out Geordi for answers.

"She said she wasn't feeling well," Geordi explained when Data asked. "You two have been working 'round the clock so I gave her the next two days off."

"Strange. She did not tell me she was feeling ill."

Geordi smiled. "You two have become pretty close, huh?"

"Yes, we have." Data turned to leave. "I will go check on her."

Data heard Geordi chuckle as he walked away. "You do that, buddy."

Faith did not answer the door when Data rang. He waited exactly ten seconds before ringing it again. It was not until the third time that he heard a soft voice say, "Come in."

Data entered Faith's quarters for the first time. Everything was in disarray. Clothes and dishes were strewn around the room. The lights were dim and at first Data did not see her until he stood in the doorway to the bedroom.

"Data? What are you doing here?" she asked, her voice thick and gravely.

She was curled in bed, buried under a mound of blankets except for her head. Her eyes were red and there were tear stains on her cheeks, which alarmed him.

"Geordi said you were not feeling well. I came to check on you."

"That's very sweet but you didn't have to."

"I wanted to." He crossed into the room and knelt by the side of the bed. "Are you alright? It looks like you have been crying."

"No...no, I haven't." She swiped her cheek with her hand to brush away the marks. "I'm just sick."

"Would you like me to get Dr. Crusher?"

"That's not necessary."

"Do you know what illness you have? I am sure it can be cured easily."

"It can't." At Data's look of concern, Faith forced herself to sit up, her wavy hair swirling around her head like a dark cloud. "Data, do you know what depression is?"

"Depression: feelings of severe despondency and dejection. A mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest," Data recited. He put the pieces together. "I see. So you have depression?"

"Yes."

"My files state that it is treatable. Are your treatments not working?"

"It's a little more complicated than that."

"You are receiving treatment, correct?"

Faith's hesitation answered his question before she spoke. "I am beginning to. I have started seeing Counselor Troi on a regular basis." She left the statement there.

Data was not satisfied. "There is also medication that helps treatment."

"Yes. That's true."

"From your expression, I gather you do not wish to use the medication."

"Dr. Crusher gave me some but I haven't started using it yet."

"Why?"

Faith sighed, pulling her knees up to her chest. "It's complicated, Data. It's not an easy decision to make."

"That is the second time you have used that word to describe this situation. Please explain."

Faith pursed her lips but did not speak. Data waited in sixty seconds of silence before sitting on the edge of her bed. He was patient and in no rush to be anywhere. If she needed time to answer him properly, he was willing to give it.

"Going on depression medication...is a big decision," Faith explained slowly. "It's admitting there is something about yourself that is out of your control. It's taking the chance that you may need to be on that medication for the rest of your life."

"But if it helps you feel better, why does that matter?"

"Some people get used to the sadness, Data. They... I don't know who I am without it."

The gravity of her words was not lost on him. He had seen a lot of illness in his time, mental and physical. As much as medicine had advanced, there were still some ailments that could not be eradicated. The brain may have been mapped, but some of its functions were still out of anyone's hands.

Data reached over and placed his hand on Faith's. It was an action he had witnessed many times when his fellow shipmates wanted to comfort each other. 

"You are smart, kind, dedicated, and a good friend," he said. "That is who you are."

"I would say you're just saying that to be nice but I think I've gotten to know you better than that."

"I am saying it because I believe it to be true. That is what I see."

Faith gave him a sad smile. "I wish I could see myself the way you see me."

Data was struck by an idea and got to his feet. "Come with me."

"What? Why?"

"I have something I would like to show you."

"I don't want to get up."

"It will be good for you to move."

"I don't know, Data. I'm a mess. I don't exactly want the others to see me like this."

"Then get dressed and meet me in my quarters when you are ready." He headed for the door, eager to put his plan into motion.

"But wait, Data, why?"

He paused and turned around to face her. "So I can show you how I see you." Before she could protest further, he left.

It took her thirty-two minutes to do as he instructed. When she arrived, she had showered and dressed in fresh clothes, her wet hair draped over her shoulder in a long braid.

"You're lucky I like you," she said grumpily as she entered his quarters. "Now, what did you want...to...show me."

Data had taken the time to put a selection of his paintings on display. They were propped up on every feasible surface of the room, arranged strategically so. 

The most recent were first, showing various depictions of their time together: her with her head bent over the console, biting her lip in thought as she studied the map, her taking apart one of the replicators with parts spread out on the floor, her staring off into space deep in thought…

And there were others less specific in nature and more abstract. Dark ropes of space and stars woven together in a single braid like the one she wore. A collection of flowers arranged to form the side profile of her face…

When she reached the first painting he did of her, her eyes in the vines, she stopped. 

Data watched her face and the myriad of emotions that danced across it. 

"Data…" she said in a soft voice that barely broke a whisper. "Are these all me? "

"You wanted to see yourself how I see you," he said. "This is how I see you."

She looked at him with wide eyes before looking back at the painting. She approached it, reaching out to gently touch the edge of the canvas.

"Do I really look that sad?" she asked.

Data came to stand by her side. "Have I offended you?"

"What? Oh, no! Not at all," she said. "I'm flattered. Beyond flattered. This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. I had no idea…" She trailed off, looking around at his paintings before returning her gaze to him.

She looked at him with such wonder and amazement he could not believe he was the focus of such a gaze. She put her arms up and took a step forward but then stopped herself.

"Do you mind if I hug you?" she asked. 

"No, I do not mind." He opened his arms stiffly.

Faith smiled and wrapped her arms around his waist, hugging him tightly. Data returned the hug as best he could. She was shorter than him, causing his nose to burrow into her hair. Her shampoo smelled pleasant.

They remained that way for fifteen seconds before she regrettably pulled away.

"I didn't know you paint," Faith said. "Do you have others? I mean, in general. Not about me specifically. I'd love to see more of your work."

"Certainly," Data said with a smile. "I would be honored to show you."

He shared with Faith the rest of his paintings, from his very first to the ones he completed prior to meeting Faith. Her reactions to them were fascinating to watch. The same intense study techniques she showcased during her work applied to viewing art as well.

"These are stunning, Data," she said hours later. She sat on the couch, a mug of hot chocolate clutched in her hands.

Data sat down next to her. "Thank you, Faith. Your opinion is most appreciated."

"Have you ever thought about doing an art show?"

Data cocked his head in thought. "It had not occurred to me. Do you think others will be interested in seeing my work?" 

"Absolutely. Your imagery is…" She struggled to find the right word. "...a peek into your soul, your thoughts. It's fascinating."

"Because I am an android?"

Faith waved her hand. "Bah! It has nothing to do with that. Most people may be able to picture images in their head, but very few of them can actually replicate it. You've not only managed to do that, but also given it so much substance."

Data was overwhelmed. "No one has ever described my creative endeavors as having substance."

"You do something else besides paint?"

Data nodded. "I play the violin and have tried writing poetry."

"Tried?"

"It has not been...successful."

"I was never good at poetry either," Faith said. "I'd love to hear you play the violin at some point."

"There is a recital next week. I would be honored if you attended."

"I wouldn't miss it for the world." Her eyes drooped and she stifled a yawn.

"You are tired. You should go to bed."

"Not yet. It feels good to be out of my quarters and I enjoy spending time with you."

"I enjoy spending time with you as well," Data said. He noticed she had finished her hot chocolate and took the mug from her hands to dispose of it.

"I'm sorry we didn't get any work done today," she said. "I know the captain is anxious for some kind of results."

"On the contrary, I have been running diagnostics and analyses this entire time," Data told her.

"Convenient and handy. Find out anything interesting?"

Data accessed the information while he began putting his paintings away. 

"I have been analyzing the items that have been reported missing and organizing them into categories. Among the most significant are power chips, wires, a replicator module, and scraps of parasteel. However, I was curious and began to construct a second list of non-mechanical objects that have been reported lost or missing. There has been an unusual increase in blanket replication, several crew members reported clothing misplaced or gone altogether, and even one person lost their uniform shoes. From this, I can deduce that whatever life form that is evading our detection is collecting items for survival…"

He turned to look at Faith, only to find her fast asleep. If Data were human he might have taken it personally. He approached her cautiously, hand reaching out for her shoulder to wake her. But the peaceful look on her face stopped him.

Instead, he gently gathered her into his arms. She instinctively curled against his chest, letting out a small content sigh. Data held her for a moment, studying how the worry lines of her face were gone while she slept. A strange sensation settled in his abdomen and he had the sudden urge to protect her at all costs.

Data carried her over to his bed, laying her down before tucking the blankets around her. 

Spot appeared from the shadows where she had taken refuge when a new person arrived. Now she sniffed Faith curiously before giving Data a look of doubt.

"Be nice, Spot," Data ordered, pointing a finger at the feline. "She is very special to me."

Spot swatted at Data's finger, making him tut in disappointment. He put her on the floor. 

"Computer, dim lights."

The lights in his quarters lowered and Data returned to the couch. Now was as good a time as any to turn on his dream program. He laid himself out, staring up at the ceiling. Spot jumped up onto his chest, turning in a circle before lying down and curling herself into a ball. She began to purr as Data scratched her ears.

Data's thoughts were consumed by Faith and her compliments. He began to understand her reaction when he first complimented her. Data himself was used to admiration on his skills, particularly his computing, strength, knowledge, and other aspects of his android nature. 

He was not used to compliments on his creativity. Quite the opposite. Perhaps he would display his work in an art show. Perhaps Faith would help.

He cast one last look at her, smiling when he saw her still fast asleep. Then he closed his eyes and succumbed to his dreams.

Walking Down The Hill

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Word Count: 4462

Author’s Note: This is an entry for @bvcks’ 4.2k Writing Challenge! Thank you so much for hosting this wonderful challenge dear, I hope you love this fic! My prompt was: “I have so much I want to say to you but right now I just need to feel you.”  Also, I’ve had a long week and I’m needy so leaving me love would be much appreciated. So please comment and tell me what you loved!

Summary: The Avengers have to investigate and dismantle a HYDRA base. How does Bucky deal with his first HYDRA occurrence since his time sent in Wakanda healing from the damage they inflicted. Can the reader handle a fight against HYDRA?

Warnings: A bit angsty, Bucky being a bit of jerk for a quick minute, HYDRA doing HYDRA things, injury, fluffiness at the end. A couple of swears. potential typo and grammatical errors because I did not go through and edit this and did not have a beta. It be like that sometimes.

Bucky felt as if there were a vise wrapped around his chest. Getting impossibly tighter and if he didn’t know any better he thought his ribs would break. He felt as if the blood in his veins and suddenly turned to ice, yet he felt himself getting sweaty like when Steve and him workout. He wasn’t able to pull himself out of it until he felt a small hand on his knee. A delicate finger tracing various patterns, the most calming a figure eight pattern that somehow calmed his breathing. After a moment or two, Tony’s voice came back into focus instead of just being background noise.

“No one goes it alone. Do everything you can to stay with your partner. Barnes I want you with-”

“Y/L/N is with me.” Bucky spoke up. His tone leaving no room for argument. Tony looked Bucky in the eyes and nodded before continuing.

“Barnes, Y/L/N, and Thor you three to work together sweeping the second level, so Rogers and Romanoff can get to the third level and take down the boss and get any data from this headquarters that may lead us to any others. Barton and Wilson I want you two ready on the quinjet ready to take off if necessary, but you two can also keep watch on the outside for any hydra members trying to escape. Vision, Maximoff and I will sweep the first floor and try to keep anyone from escaping the base. Over the next week I want everyone to not only train for what we’re up against, but I also want us to memorize the blue prints that we have of the base. It probably won’t be exact, but something is better than nothing.” Tony ended his speech looking at everyone, making sure everyone was all on the same page before dismissing everyone. You stood up and turned to face Bucky. You could feel the anxiety rolling off of him in waves.

While he had spent a considerable amount of time in Wakanda healing, facing HYDRA had him on edge, and you couldn’t blame him a bit for it. Bucky continued to sit unflinchingly in his seat while the others left the room. Steve look towards you with a question in his eyes and you shook your head letting him know you had it handled and to go on ahead. Once everyone left the room you moved slowly in front of Bucky before sitting on his lap, you looked into his eyes while one hand rested on his shoulder and the other carded through his hair, something you knew he found comforting. Bucky looked into your eyes and you could see there were filled with worry and something else.

“Wanna talk about it, or do you want a distraction?” You asked him softly. Giving him the power to decide was a comfort he needed, but it also guided you on how to help him best. Sometimes Bucky would want to talk about it, sometimes he would want to be distracted for a bit before he would open up.

“I’m gonna hit the gym before going to bed, don’t wait up.” Bucky said in a soft, but gruff voice. He lifted you with ease from his lap and was out the door in a blink of an eye. Yes, sometimes Bucky would want to talk about it, and other times he would want a distraction before he’d talk about what was actually bothering him, but he had never just shut you out before. You took a deep breath before wearily getting up and heading to your shared room with Bucky, unsure of whether you should just head to your own room for the night. You walked to Bucky’s door, stopping for a second before heading in. You knew you would get a restless sleep in your own bed, if you got any at all. You hoped that once morning came things would be back to normal.

You reached across the bed as you opened your eyes and deflated a bit when you noticed Bucky wasn’t there. His side of the bed felt as cold as his metal arm. Not wanting to, but doing it anyway, you get up and got dressed for the first day of training. You walk down to the gym and you spot Bucky laying into a punching bag with Steve right beside him. Natasha and Wanda were in the ring training with Vision watching from the sidelines. Sam was standing against the wall taking a long drink from his water bottle. You walked up to him and began your stretches.

“On your left.” You said with a cheeky smile.

“Oh hell no, not you too!”

“Sorry, Sammy. I just couldn’t resist!”

“Oh, no you’re gonna get it!” Sam said as he pushed himself away from the wall. You let out a squeal and took off running across the gym. You knew Sam hated your nickname for him, but he also knew that you only used it to get a rise out of him. It didn’t take long before Sam was tackling you down to a sparring mat.

“On your left, Y/L/N!” Sam shouted as he tackled you. His fingers finding your sides to tickle you as his revenge. You were laughing so hard you were crying.

“Are you two done?” Shouted the irritated voice of your boyfriend. Silence filled the room after. Usually he’d be one to join in on the antics between you and Sam. Everyone knew that you were the little sister Sam never had, and he was the older brother you never had. Which was exactly why everyone was looking between the two of you and Bucky with looks of astonishment and confusion clear as day on their faces.

“My bad.” Sam said in apology while standing up. He offered a hand to you to help you up, and if he hadn’t you probably would have been stuck to the floor in shock. Sam looked at you questioningly and with a shake of your head you walked away and head towards the treadmill for your warm-up run. You put your headphones in and blasted your gym playlist during your ten mile run. Over an hour later you’re pulling out your headphones and getting off the treadmill, noting that your time had improved you gave yourself a mental high-five. You looked around the gym and noticed that most of your teammates had finished training for the morning. The only one left was Bucky who was stretching in the ring.

“C’mon, doll. I wanna show you some moves.” Bucky’s tone wasn’t the usual warm one that he used with you, it seemed tired and on edge, but the use of your nickname that uses for you and only you gave you a bit of reassurance that things were okay between you despite how he’d been acting since yesterday. You got into the ring and stretched a little to make sure you were ready for what Bucky wanted to throw at you. Bucky taught you some new moves, and pinned you down every single time. By the time he called it quits for the day you were frustrated, and he seemed no better. Bucky stalked off to the showers while you took a minute to sit on the floor of the ring. This was going to be a long week, and you already couldn’t wait for it to be over.

As each day passed with the same routine you couldn’t help but feel more and more frustrated. What was worse was that you could tell Bucky felt the same way, and even though he didn’t say he was disappointed in your inability to take him down, or at least not get yourself pinned, you could tell it was there. It wasn’t until the day before the mission when you were training with Bucky again that things finally came to a head and exploded between the two of you.

“C’mon, Y/N! You’re gonna get yourself killed out there if you don’t get a grip on this!” Bucky yelled at you. The venom and annoyance  in his tone didn’t go unmissed, and that was your final straw. You stared up at Bucky for a second before standing up and walking out of the ring. You heard Bucky let out a sigh behind you and you knew that he knew you were pissed and he had gone too far.

“Y/N, wait. Wait up!” Bucky jumped out of the ring and caught up with you before you could push open the gym doors. You spun around the second you felt his fingers graze your arm.

“Ya know, you’ve been a real ass all week Bucky, and I’ve kept my mouth shut about it because I know this has to be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done, but that doesn’t give you the right to not only push me away, but also act like a complete ass. If you’re so sure that I’m gonna get myself killed tomorrow then go to Tony and request a new partner and get me suspended from the mission. Otherwise quit the shit and admit that you’re problem isn’t with me, but with the fact that you’re scared shitless about tomorrow.” You yelled at Bucky with tears coming down your face. You swiftly turned back around and headed to your room to shower this god awful day away. You also wanted to wash away the guilt that overcame you from yelling at Bucky. He looked like a kicked puppy by the time you were done yelling at him and you felt terrible about it. You also knew that you told him the cold, hard truth. You just hoped that Bucky could forgive you and things would go back to normal after tomorrow.

You walked into your room, locked your door behind you, and told FRIDAY that you didn’t want any visitors or disturbances until you had to get up for the mission in the morning. You honestly didn’t know at this point if Bucky would try talking to you or not, but you just wanted to shower and attempt sleeping. You stripped your sweaty clothes on the way to your en suite bathroom letting the clothes fall to the floor as you took them off. You just didn’t care and couldn’t be bothered. You were emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. You stepped under the steaming shower and got to work scrubbing the day away. Tears continued to fall down your face and mingle with the stream of water from the shower. You prayed that tomorrow would go smoothly and quickly, but you had a bad feeling in your bones that tomorrow wasn’t going to go well.

Bucky paced outside of your bedroom door in the hallway. He felt like an ass. He knew that if his ma could see him right now she would be giving him an earful about how she raised him better. He tried opening your door to find it locked, it took him a minute to fight through the lump that was constricting his voice in his throat to ask FRIDAY to open the door. The answer the automated AI gave him sent his heart plummeting into his stomach. He knew as soon as the words left his mouth in the ring that he had gone too far. He did exactly what he didn’t want to and took his fear and anxiety out on you. Bucky stopped pacing and leaned against the wall beside your door before sliding down it, hoping that he could catch you before you would head to dinner. Bucky closed his eyes and waited.

After your shower you sluggishly walked around the room grabbing pajamas before curling up in your bed. Your stomach growled with hunger for dinner, but you made no effort to move. You were thoroughly exhausted and decided to just eat a bigger breakfast when morning came. You closed your eyes and drifted off to sleep, but not before swearing you could hear Bucky’s soft snores.

Bucky woke in the morning with a stiff neck. His entire body was stiff if he was being honest. It was also a little early for him to be up. He had a whole hour before he had to be up according to the AI when he asked the time. He realized that he had either slept through you going to dinner, or you never went. Bucky knew that when you were drained or stressed you wouldn’t exactly stay up on your self care like you should. Bucky got up and walked to his room to shower and get ready for the mission. He hoped the feeling of dread and guilt would wash away in the shower like a baptism.

You woke an hour early when you heard someone out in the hallway. You elected to ignore figuring it was just Steve getting up for a quick run and continued to lie in bed. You stayed there until you could no longer ignore the rumbling of your stomach and got up and made your way to the kitchen. You made yourself a bowl of oatmeal with a side of fruit, hoping it would settle your nervous stomach. You rinsed your bowl when you were done before putting it in the dishwasher, the last thing you needed was to upset Tony before the mission.

You made your way to your room and began getting dressed for the mission. You pulled on your under armor wear before pulling on your skin tight, black leather suit. You pulled out all of your various knives, guns, a collapsible baton, throwing stars, holsters, and anything else you could strap to your body. You pulled the thigh holsters over your legs before pulling on your combat boots and lacing them up. Strapping everything you could to your body you took a could of deep breaths in front of the mirror as you checked yourself over to make sure everything was in place and you weren’t forgetting anything. You nearly jumped out of your skin when you heard a knock at your door.

“Everyone’s heading to the quinjet, just so you know.” Bucky’s voice drifted through your door. He sounded rough. Not rough in the way that he had been all week, but in the way that meant he realized how he had been acting and honestly felt bad about it. It sent a pang in your chest as you remembered your fight. You headed towards your door and opened it. Bucky’s head was bowed, his hair falling like a curtain and hiding his face. You pulled a spare hair tie off your wrist and handed it to him before tilting your head to let Bucky know to start heading towards the quinjet.

You two joined the others inside the quinjet, the walkway closing behind you. You headed to your seat and buckled yourself in as Tony stood in the front and began going over the plan one last time. Bucky sat down beside you in his regular seat. His fingertips grazed yours. You looked over to him and saw a shy smile on his face. Bucky could be a man of few words sometimes and you knew this was his way of asking if his touch was okay. You turned your hand so your palm was facing up. Bucky looked up to you, a little shocked that you were open to him after how he acted this week. He tentatively laced his hand with yours and gave him hand a gentle squeeze before redirecting your focus back to Tony.

“Everyone got the plan down?”

“Tony, I think even the plant in the office has the plan down at this point.” Natasha sasses back to Tony causing him to roll his eyes.

Tony then launched into the back up plans, what to do if you get separated, what to expect at this particular base and from these particular HYDRA agents, and then with the last fifteen minutes before the jet would land he went over the plan. You couldn’t blame Tony though, after everything with the Accords you knew he was just being thorough and wanting to have every possible outcome covered so this would go off without a hitch. You still had a bad feeling about today and it was getting worse the closer you got to the base. You wanted to make up with Bucky But as soon as Tony was done going over everything the quinjet landed and everyone was running out to blitz attack the base and its occupants.

You followed behind Bucky trying to get to the second floor so Steve and Nat could get to the third. There were more HYDRA agents than you all had expected and you and Bucky were fighting back to back.

“Barton, Wilson you two aren’t too busy up there, we could sure use your help down here.” Tony spoke through the coms. You wanted to let him know that you and Bucky weren’t fairing too much better down here but you could never get a breath to speak. As soon as you and Bucky thought that maybe you had a handle on the second floor a swarm of agents came out of nowhere. One in particular came at your left splitting you from Bucky. Bucky noticed and kept trying to make his way back to you but he had five agents against him, and you had three against you. The three you were fighting kept trying to get you backed against the wall. You fought for every inch you could to get closer to Bucky, but they kept coming at you and you were starting to get sloppy. Your guns were out of ammo and you were alternating between hand to hand combat and your knife. It wasn’t until you heard a shot that you stopped. Hot, firey pain erupted in your abdomen. You saw the butt of a gun and heard Bucky’s scream before everything went black.

Bucky had never felt so scared in his entire life. He could hear Steve in his com asking what happened, but Bucky’s focus was on you. With strength Bucky didn’t even know he had he took down the five agents one after another leaving them a bloody mess on the floor. He took the gun from one of the agents and fired it at the three surrounding you killing them instantly. Bucky rushed forward reaching for you. He felt you neck looking for a pulse and nearly cried in relief when he felt your heartbeat. Bucky started putting pressure on the gunshot wound  which caused you to groan but he knew that you were nowhere near conscious.

He didn’t know if it was seconds, minutes, or hours later since time seemed to stand still as he prayed that you would make it out of here. You didn’t deserve to die like this. You didn’t deserve to die at all. All he could think about was how he had pushed you away this week and the harsh things he said. Things he never apologized for. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt a hand at his shoulder. That’s when he realized the team had made their way to them. He nearly sucker punched Steve when he tried to pull him away.

“I know, Buck. But you gotta let her go so Thor can get her to the tower so Cho can fix her.” Steve repeated this to Bucky four times before it sank in and he stopped resisting him. Thor gently picked you up before quickly running up the stairs and outside before lowering your legs to the ground so he could hold you with one arm and swing his hammer with the other. Using the quickest form of transport to get you the help you needed.

With the HYDRA agents dead or detained and the data on a flash drive the group made their way somberly to the quinjet. Bucky moved like a zombie to his seat and stared at the spot you had been sitting in on the way there. The hour and a half back to the tower was the longest flight of Bucky’s life. He felt like he would drown in the guilt that was overcoming him. As soon as the quinjet landed he was running to Dr Cho. When Bucky reaches the med bay his heart stops. He doesn’t see you anywhere and his mind starts to spiral to the worst case scenario. It isn’t until Dr Cho is in front of him with her hands on his shoulders that he notices she had been speaking to him.

“Sergeant Barnes, I’m afraid if you don’t calm down a little bit for me I may need to give you something to calm you down for you.” Bucky shakes his head to as if physically moving will get him to focus.

“Where is she?” Are the only words he’s able to croak out. The doctor looks at him wearily for a few seconds before conceding and telling him again.

“I finished her treatment in the regeneration cradle about 20 minutes ago. She’s resting in your room.” Bucky nodded to the doctor and whispered a quiet thanks before taking off for his room. He couldn’t believe you were okay until he saw it with his own eyes. Until he could replace the image burned into his retinas of your crumpled form with blood blossoming around your middle. When he reached his door he hesitated. He worried that this was some dream. The mount of blood that you had lost left him disbelieving that you would make it. He took a deep breath before opening the door.

The sight of you in his bed took his breath away. It always did, but this time outweighed them all. Bucky moved slowly towards his bed. He stood over you watching the soft rise and fall of your chest as you slept. Bucky didn’t want to tear his eyes from for a second, but when he reached out to touch you he noticed he still had your blood staining his hands. He quickly walked into the bathroom tearing off his gear as quickly as possible and took the quickest and yet most thorough shower of his life. When he walked back into his room after drying off he reached for his pajama bottoms so when he held you he could feel as much of you against his skin as possible.

He carefully climbed into the bed and gingerly moved you to your side so your back was against his chest. He peppered kisses against your shoulder while his flesh hand traced patterns on your arm. Bucky began humming a song you had showed him months ago. You had told him that you thought of him when you heard it and ever since it always made him think of you. It wasn’t long before he felt you start to wake. As much as he knew you needed to rest, and sleep was a big part of that, he was selfishly happy to see your eyes open.

“Hey you.” Your voice cracked as you whispered, but you knew Bucky still heard it.

“Hey.”

“I uhm, I guess you were right. I nearly got myself killed. I guess I couldn’t handle that mission or HYDRA after all.” You whispered out while staring at the wall. You felt terrible about yelling at Bucky before, but it was even worse now. He had been right, and you nearly got yourself killed because you were frustrated with his actions. You winced as Bucky went to guide you to turn over. Even though the regeneration cradle healed you up just fine, you were still a little sore and tender. Eventually you turned over to face Bucky though, and what you saw broke your heart. His eyes were bloodshot and tears were streaming down his face. You reached out a hand to wipe them away causing Bucky to let out the softest gasp.

He hadn’t even realized he was crying until you wiped away his tears. His heart broke at your words of self blame. It wasn’t your fault and he needed you to believe that.

“Hey, I was a royal jerk this past week, and what I said was way out of line. I took out my fear and anxiety on you. But there wasn’t a doubt in my mind for a second that you could handle the mission or HYDRA. I was just scared because I know what they’re capable of. It terrified the absolute living shit out of me that they would be anywhere near you where they could potentially hurt you. My fear got the best of me, and that’s no excuse for what I said or my actions. And I hope to God that you forgive me, doll. Because I don’t know what I would do without you. But never doubt my confidence in your abilities. Even when I’m being an ass. I just couldn’t handle it if they did anything to you. After experiencing it first hand, I couldn’t live with myself if they got to you and hurt you, or god forbid killed you. I was scared that they would somehow find a way to initiate the brainwashing they did and make me hurt you, or if they separated us like they did. I’m scared to death about not being able to protect you from them-”

“Hey, hey, I’m okay. I’m right here, and I’m okay, thanks to you I might add.” You cut Bucky off from talking when you noticed he was hyperventilating, you knew if you didn’t get him to calm down he would go into a full blown panic attack. You tilted your head and brushed your lips against his. Your kisses were slow and soft, and you didn’t stop until Bucky’s breathing was nearly even with your own.

“I have so much I want to say to you but right now I just need to feel you.” Bucky whispered against your lips before kissing you. You nodded your head after the kiss broke.

“Sing me to sleep?” You asked softly.

“Yeah, c’mere.” Bucky laid on his back and draped a spare blanket over his metal arm so it wouldn’t be so hard or cold if your head drifted from his chest. Bucky began singing softly as you both drifted off to sleep, his deep voice lulling you into the best sleep you’ve had in a while.

Walking down this hill tonight

I had a thought all to myself

As I contemplated the moonlight

We've got it all, we've got it made

I don't know how I got here

But I'm holding on for the crash

Bucky Barnes Taglist: @ria132love @letstalkaboutsebbaby

tmnt but as humans for the au thing? or even if say they didn't have to live in the sewers bc "talking turtles strange". you can pick/interpret this however you want, haha

hm okay so if i were to narrow it down i think i would make it so they still were trained/raised by splinter but none of them were mutated. it has been. some time since i've seen tmnt so i can't quite remember if all the villains were mutants/monsters too or all the backstory details but if say the spill or mutagen had never happened then i wonder how that would change? i also would wonder how different dynamics would be if they weren't forced underground. lmk if you still need more specifics!

That’s great, Anon! Thanks for giving me a little more direction. I’m going to apologize in advance, because I got waaaay preoccupied with certain details, so it’s a lot more worldbuilding than it is putting together a definitive plot, but I’m hoping it still fits the ‘what would this entail?’ bill. Let me know if I missed the mark, though!

And standard disclaimer: even though this is an AU, it’s still heavily based on 2k3′s characters and versions of events. What can I say? It’s My Brand.

I’m not 100% sure what you meant by ‘none of them were mutated’, but I’m choosing to interpret that as something akin to Rise’s yokai situation, where non-humans are born that way. In this case, the “yokai” society and human society would be integrated, but that might be a newer development (within the past 100-300-ish years). TMNT has always used mutants, aliens and other non-humans as allegories for groups that have been discriminated against, and I feel like, even in a more tolerant setting, that would still stand. The humans and non-humans put up with each other, but aren’t on the best terms, and the humans are usually the aggressors. (I also want to make it clear that non-humans are human in all but body/looks-- some have features that provide some benefit or drawback (shells, for example), but there are no supernatural abilities inherently associated with it.)

Bear in mind that I’m writing this as someone who has only left the west coast to visit Ohio of all places, so if I make a Glaring New York Mistake, my bad. I feel like there’s no way the Hamatos live in New York County, so I’m going to tentatively say they’re based in the Bronx. Yes, I know. That was not the intention. Shenanigans can still happen in NYC, but I was breaking my own suspension of disbelief. There’s still some ninja-adjacent training, but most of it is more martial arts-focused-- both for protection in a potentially hostile world, and as a tradition. We still have the chain-of-adopted-parents-slash-teachers going, with Yoshi taking Splinter in, and Splinter raising the boys. An important butterfly-effect here is that if we’re classifying the Utrom as a subsect of non-humans, then a bunch of other stuff didn’t happen, and we could easily argue that Tang Shen would still be alive. She and Yoshi live together, and see their adoptive family somewhat regularly. In this version of events, I’m also thinking the guys know Casey from when they were kids. I could put together an AU variation of The Lesson to mesh with what we’ve already established, but this really isn’t the time.

Personality-wise, I don’t think a lot changes-- the most dramatic would probably be Leo, who, while still the eldest, doesn’t have the responsibility to lead his brothers. I mean, he still tries, but it’s less because he has to and more because of who he is as a person… and also because it drives his brothers up the wall. Splinter has the support of his own adoptive parents in this ‘verse, and I think that would take a lot of pressure of of Leo. Raph, while still frustrated with the state of the world, has learned better coping mechanisms and has more outlets to rely on; he’s easy/quick to rile up, but unless it’s something serious, he can deal with it, and he’d never go to any pipe extremes. I feel like, if anything, Donnie might inherit a bit of Raph’s temper; he’s still very much the ‘I want to help however I can’ humanitarian type, but would be fighting against all sorts of prejudices in order to do so. Still fairly self-conscious and thoroughly adorkable, though. Mikey still has his major vices, but he’s also in a situation where he can network properly, share his art and collaborate with other people, so I think that would become more of a focus for him, and he’d be a little more chill. Between Mike, Don and Raph, they know someone who can help with practically anything they need; Leo’s more reserved, and, while he can and does talk to other people, too much socializing can be a bit outside of his comfort zone.

So, in terms of plot, it feels appropriate to draw primarily from sociopolitical arcs. Thrilling, I know, but since the basis of this AU is ‘what if they lived on the surface’, I would want to focus on what all that entails. That being said, the Mouser intro is a series mainstay, and I don’t want to exclude all fantastic elements, but some things can/should probably be toned down. (I think current events have also proven that, even without the mutation danger, Outbreak would still be a perfectly viable threat.) So, maybe, under the guise of reducing the rat population, Stockman starts using the Mousers not to steal physical assets, but to collect data, which he then uses to anonymously blackmail/extort residents. This may or may not be part of a larger plan-- I wanted to draw inspiration from City at War in particular-- but I don’t have the galaxy brain to figure out what that is, right now. (Stockman’s the kind of recurring villain who, while people know he’s at fault, either can’t be definitively linked to an incident, or is just on the right side of the law. Every time he crops back up, people trust him less and less. Eventually, desperation drives him to work for/with Saki, and then Bishop, so he really should have quit while he was ahead, it’s just not a pun this time around.)

Just because I haven’t mentioned her yet, April’s definitely a part of this, but I’m not entirely sure how/where she fits in. I’m thinking that, instead of threatening her with the Mousers when she discovers what he’s been doing, Stockman might use some of his new connections to try to take her out as she goes home. Cue the classic rescue sequence. It’s kind of an abrupt change of topic, but I also want to keep the ‘Saki’s an Utrom’ reveal, though the impact is somewhat different here; I’m just not sure how to accomplish this without turning him into Sophia the Robot. There are so many things I haven’t even mentioned, and I feel bad that I haven’t really established a proper plot, but this is getting wildly out of hand, and I need to rein myself in.

As a parting point, in addition to City at War, I’d definitely want to incorporate parts of/themes from Still Nobody (wrt the Turks/gang recruitment), Garbageman (the homeless), and, of course, utilize the Purple Dragons.

Emogust 26.08 — Roommates

A/N: Halfway through writing this... I realized I had no plot. This is simply a plunnie heavily inspired by (if not based on) Friends! Forgive me ;A;  School just started again, I had to tearfully bid my goodbye to summer break, and that resulted in this really late entry. @mintchocolateleaves @sup-poki ily’all !!

In the years Kaito has been legally allowed to drink, he’s made some pretty important discoveries about himself.

The first is that he really, really appreciates their guys’ night in. They do shots when they first start hanging out, sit in the corner of Saguru’s apartment (because he doesn’t have any roommates nor a girlfriend who would kick him in the ass for drenching the apartment with the smell of alcohol). He likes having his back against the cold concrete wall, the liquid cooling his throat as he feels the familiar buzz swelling in his stomach. But no matter how pleasant, it’s not really worth the shivering, anxious mess it makes him the next morning, when he’s trying to fight off the raging nausea.

He steers clear of tequila for a while after that.

So it probably should have been easier to foresee, the other discovery. Kaito and Heiji both bond really well. And they both can be really persuasive especially on the nights when Shinichi and Saguru want to be completely sober. Their excuse has always been the same—that they have jobs they want to keep. Come on, all of them have to go to work too in the morning, goddammit. Those two just don’t want to admit that they’re fucking lightweights. 

Kaito just doesn’t want to be alone in his misery. Heiji knows this, knows that Kaito is a social drinker, likes it only when he’s got someone else worse off than he is. The Osakan himself is never one to back down from any challenges. And Kaito is an impressionable drunk, will do just about anything so long as someone thinks to ask. They’re an awesome pair.

The last discovery he makes isn’t so much a discovery as it is a revelation and an inquiry. And it isn’t so much made as it is stumbled upon in the dark with bare feet and a whole lot of disorientation. It happens one of the nights when all four of them were hanging out and drinking in the huge apartment that Kaito, Shinichi and Heiji share.

And Kaito finds out that he’s really bad at keeping things to himself like this, when it’s just the four of them, a little buzzed and a lot open. He feels like he could tell them anything, because they know him now, they’ve stuck together and survived four years of college. That’s saying a lot.

So he feels safe, and he doesn’t even turn to one of them when he says, “I haven’t said “I love you” to Aoko. Do you think I should say it now?”

He doesn’t even notice the room had been so loud until it goes silent. It feels like a blanket, thick and heavy and stifling, and he turns his head to find Heiji staring down at him incredulously from the couch. He’s sitting with one leg thrown over the side. It’s close enough that Kaito could reach out and grab his ankle down, if he wanted, if he didn’t feel like that might not be such a good idea right now. “She’s not here though,” The dark-skinned guy points out.

Kaito regards his roommate in annoyance, “Thanks for stating the obvious.”

Even Shinichi pipes up, “You mean, this whole time you two have been dating, you’ve never once said it to her?"

He winces. “Is it that bad?” he asks, because why the hell not? They’ve all shared secrets bigger than this, right? This isn’t even that big a deal, in the grand scheme of things, whatever that might be. “Although I probably shouldn’t ask you. I know you and Ran say it all the time.” 

See, it’s unfair because their situations are completely different. Shinichi and Ran has been together since forever. The pair are a match made in heaven. Shinichi has a steady job as a professor in Tokyo University (The hottie of the Criminology Department, as Shinichi himself puts it.), and Ran is the star teacher in Teitan. Their relationship is solid. Their parents are also really good friends, and they’re bound to get married one day, if not soon. Shinichi is the type to, say, seize every opportunity he can get. That includes telling his girlfriend that he loves her every chance he can. But it’s also because he’s a big, sappy softie underneath his ever-silent and calculating exterior. 

The sole reason Kaito has been hesitating to say it to Aoko is because he isn’t sure that he can make her happy like Shinichi does with Ran. He knows full well that Aoko loves him the same way, that she might even love him more than he does. Part of him has always been certain that she’s the one who he will grow old with, because he doesn’t want anyone but her. But what if she can finds someone else, someone better, who can offer her an even happier future for her? He’s an entertainer, for God’s sake, he doesn’t have an elite job in an elite university like his cousin does.

“Are you gonna do it right now?” Saguru asks, chuckling a little under his breath. 

Kaito isn’t sure if he’s drunk enough to be that impulsive, just that he feels loose and comfortable. He doesn’t see what the big deal is. Except, it kind of is a big deal. Has been kind of a big deal for a while now, so much so that he’s been wanting to say it for years. Just to say it, because it’s felt like a weight on his chest for too long.

Also because he sees it in Aoko’s eyes, the flash of jealousy in her eyes whenever Shinichi and Ran calls out the three magical words to each other in the smallest of occasion here and there throughout the day. The hint of amusement accompanied by something none other than a dash of envy whenever Heiji and Kazuha calls each other by their infamous pet name “Ahou” like it’s their own version of “I love you”. 

“Hang on there. I’m not like Kudo here who needs to say it every five seconds.” He can feel the corners of his mouth sneaking upwards. You know what, maybe he should do it right now. Aoko and the girls’ apartment is literally across the hallway. 

If he does it right, it could be a good thing. And this too, is a good thing, this blossoming friendship. Because they are about to have a lot more milestones to achieve.

“Or, you know, you don’t have to verbally say it. Show that you love her through your actions,” Saguru points out, his slim fingers moving in a motion for Kaito to pass him another bottle of beer. Kaito does so with a scowl. “Yeah, like I haven’t been doing that all these times.”

Shinichi decides to give his cousin a little push. “You know, the first time I said it to Ran and she said it back, it easily became one of the most special nights I’ve ever spent with her. But then again, there were also fireworks because we so happened to be in Niagara Falls.”

Heiji face morphs into a scowl. “Yeah, yeah, like you haven’t hogged all the beautiful backdrops already.” But as quickly as his scowl comes, it leaves, his expression changes into a content one. “I remember mine too. It was an amazing night, followed by something even more amazing. Saying those three words can be a way to begin it. ‘Cuz that was also the first time Kazuha and I—”

“Dude,” Kaito narrows his eyes dangerously at him. He’d rather not hear the details, thank you very much.

Knowing that his sister has done it—and quite often too—has made him quite angry at first. Kazuha’s his little sister, and that gives him every right to keep tabs on her and control over what she should and shouldn’t be doing. But the girl is stubborn in every way. Like how he doesn’t approve of her choice of being a model, but she still chooses that path anyway. He’s proud of her all right, because she’s doing so well. She’s appeared in quite a lot of commercials and magazine covers, getting photoshoot offers here and there.

Not that he’s not proud of Aoko too. She’s rapidly climbing her way up the nurses rank in Todai Hospital, and it’s one of the best hospitals in the whole world. “At least none of us has to worry about alcohol poisoning,” Heiji once remarked, “We’ve got an actual living first-aid box with us.”

Kaito’s main concern only lies in the fact that there are many male nurses too in addition to the number of good-looking male doctors who might potentially steal Aoko’s heart away, who would’ve thought?

Speaking of the male population... he turns his attention back to the three familiar faces in the room. Shinichi is now the one leading the conversation, stern and oh-so-like the leader of their little gang. It’s just natural in their dynamic, he thinks.

Shinichi is their all prismatic and crystal-clear fluid, and Saguru is the solid rock, where Heiji is the unpredictable fire roaring all around them, where Kaito is the all-rushing wind above them.

Ten years ago, if someone had told him he would spend most of his time with a Criminology professor, an IT procurements manager with the specialization Statistical Analysis and Data Reconfiguration (it’s amazing how he remembers the exact name of Heiji’s job, seriously, all of them simply refers to him as a transponster)—both of whom highlight as criminal investigators together on the side—and a stuck-up lawyer from a fancy law school in England (Kudo and Hattori both have really boring jobs when they’re not out solving cases, but what Hakuba does is the literal definition of boring), he wouldn’t have believed it for himself.

But oh, look who he ends up hanging out with almost every single day now.

“Just say it, man. She’s been waiting for it.” someone says. It takes Kaito a second to realize he’s watched Saguru’s lips form the syllables, that the words were said in Saguru’s smooth voice. 

Saguru smirks, the corner of his mouth curling up. Kaito’s not very sure through the haze of drunkenness, but he thinks he sees mischief and amusement very evident in the blonde’s face. He turns his head to regard Saguru with hard eyes and waits.

“She makes you happy and you make her happy, that’s all,” is what Saguru says next, and almost in sympathy.

Kaito is pretty sure that’s exactly what Shinichi and Heiji have been telling him to do just a moment ago. But it seems what Saguru says is the one that hits the nail, because Kaito’s face goes from nothing—no emotion, no expression—to fierce determination. 

And then Kaito stands, grabs a cup of water, downs it in a go and walk out the door, leaving the three in utter dumbfoundedness.