the thing about sleep deprivation is that it leads to nightmare which leads to sleep deprivation which leads to nightmares which leads to sle

hi, i first want to say that i absolutely love your writing !! i was wondering if you could write daughter of poseidon x leo valdez hc ?

⋆⭒˚.⋆ leo valdez x daughter of poseidon! reader hcs

content: leo valdez x daughter of poseidon! reader hcs warning: language, tbh i went kinda crazy with the silly goofiness but i have no shame author's note: YOU WANT TO HEAR ABOUT MY THEORIES???? IVE BEEN WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO ASK ABOUT MY THEORIES- im so sorry for the person this request turned me into

ALL TIME FAV ALL TIME FAV ALL TIME FAVE ALL TIME FAVE

sorry, minor possession, moving on

ALL TIME FAVE ALL TIME FAV-

its not funny, i apologize

no but fr, i live for this shit

this is me core at it's finest

if you can't tell, all the long fics for leo are x daughter of poseidon bc i am obsessed with myself and i deserve it

my blog i run it how i want

bitch

STOP GETTING SIDE TRACKED

okay, okay, so this man met you at your absolute worst

HEAR ME OUT LEMME FINISH

im sorry but your brother, the light of your life, is missing and your just supposed to be like??fine??

no, girly is going through it

nightmares, sleepless nights, grief, no more eating for her too much guilt

who knows the last time percy had a good meal? who knows the last time percy slept on a bed? who knows if percy is even alive?

you get where her mind was??

yeah, and then tweedle dee here shows up

bro is like, is that attractive young woman sad? i shall fix this with humor and charm

and he rides off into the sunset

no but okay hes hang about you and says something to make you laugh and he doesn't think anything of it, going back to what he was doing

but then later, annabeth grabs him with tears in her eyes and is like

"that's the first time she's laughed since he's been gone. we've all missed y/n, thank you for bringing her back."

bro is GUTTED

and the determined to never let you go another day without laughing for the rest of your life

i liked to imagine that he is not exactly the biggest fan of the water, being a texas boy born and raised he has no need to cool down

it's legit 110 degrees out and bro is like 'why are you whining about the heat?? i'm actually kinda chilly, could you grab me a sweater?"

so, while you surf and play in the water, he just sits on the beach and tinkers away

every time you come back and plant a salty kiss on his lips, he's got a new gift for you

you name it, he's made it.

rings? duh

necklaces? obvi

metal hair ties that don't tug hair out and also don't give you a headache?

do you even have to ask at this point??

and when leo meets percy he's all nervous bc in his mind he's like 'future brother in law. must impress.'

so he's like "your sister is super cool and hot-...wait-"

"what did you just say?" percy questions, hoping it was his amnesia making him hear things

"yeah, what did you just say? you think i'm hot?" you question, all blushy and cute

"so i did hear that correctly. cool, cool, cool. i'd start running, btw," percy cuts in, causally, producing a sword as leo ran away like a cartoon character

don't worry, they grow to love each other

their favorite pass time is to gang up on you, don't worry.

these two working together to prank your ass?? yeah, it's done for.

leo just brings out the best of the daugther of the sea and everyone can see it

and everyone's grateful to him for bringing the bubbly girl back from the deep end

DEAR GOD WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN I DESERVE IT I'VE BEEN GOOD- AASHDIUASDHEWUIRHBSD (that's the sound of me throwing up my liver btw okay gg bye bye)

【 iv. the taste of flowers 】

summary: yuu was sick. okay, so maybe they overworked themself a little while preparing for the debutante, but that didn’t mean they needed to be on bed arrest ! what’s the worst that could happen if they snuck into the kitchen for a snack anyway ?

word count: 1.4k

author’s note: every time i write ruggie i’m like “wow i love this guy sm” and it was the same this time. i hope you like my rendition of him, ruggie likers ^^

[ the perfect debutante series | or read on ao3 (coming soon) ]

Being sick was most definitely not on Yuu's list of things to do for the Debutante. But they were. Sick. It seemed that they had over-exhausted themself after shopping all day with Floyd.

They vaguely remembered Floyd's guilty expression as he brought tea to their bedside. They had told him not to worry, but he seemed to be in low spirits for the rest of the day, according to Azul's report.

And now, well...

Yuu was sneaking into the kitchen.

After being cooped up in the room for so long, they needed some alone time. Alone time that didn't entail Riddle watching their every move like a hawk, or Silver insisting on doing everything for them. Their maids were diligent to a fault really, and Yuu was starting to feel a bit suffocated.

What they weren't expecting was that there would be someone in the kitchen. They stood behind the door. There was a soft humming and the smell of something that had their mouth-watering. Yuu cracked the door open a little. Through the gap, they spotted a pair of fluffy ears.

Ah. So it was Ruggie in the kitchen. Yuu calmed down a bit. The chance that they would be severely scolded for escaping the room had decreased. Still, they knew that someone would check their room soon, and they would get caught, so...

"Master?"

Holy crap. Their soul felt like it almost left their body.

They looked up to see Ruggie tilting his head, "I thought I heard someone, but I didn't expect it to be you, Master."

They got up from their crouched position, "Hi, uh... What are you cooking?"

"A little something for myself," Ruggie suddenly smirked, folding his arms. "What are you doing out of your room, Master? Riddle and Azul are going to freak out if they figure out you're gone."

Yuu stared at Ruggie with what they hoped was a pitiful look, "Please, I need 30 minutes of peace before they coddle me to death again."

"It's because they're worried about you. We all are," Ruggie said, going back to stirring the pot. "But I'm no snitch, shishishi~ Have a seat." There was a stool a little away from the stove, and from this close, they could finally see what Ruggie was cooking. It was...soup. A hearty-looking, vegetable soup, that was currently appealing to them with its scent.

"Are you here for some tea? Or are you hungry?" Ruggie sprinkled some more spices into his soup. "I could make you some soup?"

"What about that soup?" They blurted out. Dammit, they were trying to resist, and yet...

"This soup? It isn't worthy of Master's palette," Ruggie said before putting a lid on the small pot. "Plus, are you sure you wanna eat that?"

"What is it then?" The soup had looked normal enough to them, though they couldn't be sure. Ruggie was famed for using unconventional ingredients in his cooking before. They had heard many stories from Jamil, who found his experimentation interesting enough to talk about. (The other maid rarely talked too extensively, so Yuu had noted it in their mind when he did.)

"Erm," Ruggie's ears twitched, and he looked...almost bashful. "I used dandelions. I saw a few in the gardens and they needed to be weeded out anyway."

"Dandelions?" They cracked a smile. "So you can even cook with flowers?"

"You're not...?" Ruggie shook his head, before leaning his head back into his hands. "It's something my Bi— my grandmother taught me. There are many uses for dandelions, and she used to cook it for us in a soup."

Yuu understood it now. It had been a while since Ruggie had taken a break to go home. He tended to bulldoze through leave days that they set up by taking up other jobs. They ended up having him be their designated maid when the others went on leave. Ruggie was pleased with the setup, especially after they doubled his pay.

Money wasn't a worry to them, given that they were the heir of the Dukedom. But it had once been, back before Duke Crowley had adopted them. So they understood Ruggie's determination, especially with how fiercely he loved his family.

"Why don't you eat some?" Yuu leaned their face into their palm. "You spent all that time cooking it after all."

Ruggie's expression turned complicated for a moment. He hesitantly grabbed a bowl, ladling in a spoonful. His ears drooped for a moment before straightening. Yuu couldn't help but find the subconscious action adorable. 

He finally sighed, sliding the bowl in front of them, "Here. Your puppy eyes really are unfair, Master."

"Puppy eyes?" They mumbled, but they couldn't focus on anything other than the soup that was in front of them. Ruggie pushed a spoon into their hands, and they couldn't help but immediately try it.

"Well?" Ruggie asked, ladling his own bowl. It was...amazing. The soup was salty, but rich, and all the vegetables were perfectly cooked— not too soft with a nice crunch.

And that was when Yuu abandoned two things: their etiquette training and their pride. It didn't matter that it was hot, they kept shoveling spoonfuls of soup into their mouth.

Ruggie laughed as he ate his own bowl, "Slow down there, Master. If the chefs see you they'll throw a tantrum because you're guzzling that down so fast."

"But," They sputtered, gesturing at their half finished bowl. "It's so good! I can't even tell which part the dandelion is!"

"The green leafy bits," Ruggie looked proud, if the way his grin kept growing was any indication. "I save the flowers to make tea with." The maid spun around, turning to a cupboard and grabbing what looked like a jar. In it were many dried dandelion buds. "Ah, I also have dandelion syrup," Ruggie gestured to another jar on the shelf. "Jamil taught me how to make them. They don't taste bad if I do say so myself, shishishi~"

Yuu couldn't help but laugh slightly. Ruggie's excitement about dandelion cuisine was very...adorable, if they wanted to put a word to it. "You seem very passionate about this," They said as they took the dandelion tea jar in their own hands. "Would it be okay if you put a few servings of this in my tea cabinet?"

"Huh?” Ruggie's ear flicked in surprise.

"Ah, I don't mean to take it away from you!" Yuu said, suddenly very aware that Ruggie was doing this because he was homesick. How stupid of them to ask for something so selfish. Did they forget everything after spending a few years in luxury? "I know that you're—"

"Forgive me for interrupting you, but it's not that," Grey eyes looked between the tea and their face. "It's... Thank you." There was something more behind the simple word of thanks. Yuu couldn't even begin to digest why Ruggie would say thank you at their selfish request, but seeing the smile on Ruggie's face reassured them that it wasn't anything negative.

That was when the door to the kitchen slid open, "Ruggie, would you happen to know where—"

Yuu looked up just in time to make eye contact with a surprised-looking Jade.

Oh. They were caught. Shit.

Jade smiled, ever the picture of politeness even as his aura turned more menacing, "How serendipitous. I was just looking for you, Master."  

"They were just about to leave, right Master?" Ruggie said with a devilish grin. Gone was the sweet expression that just graced his face seconds before, instead replaced by this mischievous look— because he was clearly ratting them out! Yuu just hung their head. They would be scolded less if they left with Jade right away.

Jade kept an iron grip on them with just his gaze as they gave Ruggie a long hard look, "You're going on vacation after the debutante is over. With everyone else. That is a promise."

"But Master—"

"No buts! I'll give you paid leave!" Yuu said as Jade opened the door. "Just make sure to tell your family how much you miss them!" They relished the surprised look on Ruggie's face for a moment before following Jade out into the hallway. Yuu wasn't about to give Ruggie time to retaliate this time.

"Now that you've had your fun, you should return to the room before Azul and Riddle return," Jade chuckled. "They aren't back yet, but I am not above telling them of your...mm, adventures, if it came to it. Even if it's you, Master."

Their previous excitement waned at the thought of being bound to the bed again, "Let's just go now." And that was how Yuu's adventures to the kitchen ended, with surprises, some new cuisine, and a promise.

thank you for reading ^^ if you’d like to read more, check out my masterlist ! like the art ? look at more of dumple's works on insta !

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You’re mine

KINKTOBER DAY 2: Mutual masturbation

PAIRING: SPENCER REID X READER

KINKTOBER MASTERLIST HERE🎃💗

warnings: stalking • mutual masturbation • semi public sex • humiliation • phone sex • paranoia? • mentions of violence • let me know if I missed any •

A/N: sorry about the KTOBER delay.. this ones a little dark but ill make up with a sweet one next week! reminder english isnt my first language but feel to correct any grammar mistakes

summary: Spencer fears he is being stalked after receiving gifts from a secret admirer only to fall for her • MINORS/AGELESS BLOGS DNI 18+

“Hey whats wrong?” Morgan stops Spencer as he rushes into the BAU frantic with an orange envelope at hand “Gather everyone in the conference room please” he gets out of morgans grip and makes his way there. “Whats this about?” Hotch walks in confused on the whole situation, raising a questioning eyebrow at Spencer “Ive been on edge the past month and yesterday I received this..” he hands the envelope to Hotch. Inside theres a handwritten letter with the words “I know you were thinking about me” and multiple photographs of Spencer jacking off in his room.

Truthfully he didn’t want to show anyone but this was getting out of hand. In the photograph his room was illuminated by warm toned lamp, his mouth hung open and anyone with half a brain could assume he was letting out sounds of pleasure, his head was thrown back and his eyes were shut tightly, while his hand wrapped around his leaking dick as he lazily sat on his desk chair with his trousers hanging around his ankles. Hotch’s eyes go wide for a second as he quickly puts the pictures away only making his subordinates blush grow a burning pink. The team share a few glances and connect the dots in an instant. “Morgan you have experience in obsession crimes.. what do you think this is?” Hotch asks after analyzing the letter he spoke up “Are these the only “gifts” you’ve gotten? any other notes we should know about?” morgan glances up at him making sure to put emphasis on the word “gifts”

“I-I mean theres always a lingering feeling im being watched and I got a bouquet of flowers last monday along with a letter every other day from a “secret admirer” but I didn’t think much of it.. I just assumed some neighborhood boy was playing a prank on me..” he says running his fingers through his silky brunette hair, clearly stressed out “looks like you’ve got a groupie” spencer looks back down to morgan “HUH?” morgan hands the letter back to spencer “The writing is clearly written by a female, its dainty and not aggressive.. almost as if to show her love and devotion to you instead of threatening you. That isnt to say she wont get violent later on.. it may trigger her to see you with another woman around her age maybe something set her off and decided to finally make her move.” hotch lets out a breath “Morgan, Reid, you stay here and find a motive, Prentiss and I will go to the scene and try to get more geographical information on how they even managed to take these photos.. wheels up in 30” and with that everyone’s getting to work.

They made a geographic profile, retraced steps, came up with a profile and even a plan on how to catch the unsub. “We think our unsub is a female in her mid 20s, if you were to cross her path shed blend right in, shes not very confident or careful but she is smart, if you bumped into her she’d apologize even if it wasnt her fault, she has an obsessive personality though she probably doesn’t even realize it odds are if she were to go through a psychotic break she would only go after Spencer or people close to him so we don’t have to worry about civilian safety” after notifying the local PD they develop a plan.. Emily was going to pretend to be Spencers girlfriend, holding hands on the subway, walking him home, spending time in his apartment ect, to get a rise out of the unsub, it was a long shot that youd even buy it if youve been stalking spencer but it was worth a try “you sure you got this?” she looks up at Hotch as he adjust her mic pack and silently nods as Spencer copies her movement.

That afternoon he and Emily walk out of the subway station hand in hand making their way to his apartment, god Spencer wasn’t lying.. Emily could feel eyes on her but couldn’t pin point where they came from but they managed to make goosebumps arise from her. That night there was no love letter at his door. This was either the start of a psychotic break or you backing down. Morgan was stationed at the location they assumed the photographs were taken, assuming you’d come back. Emily spent the night at spencers place and left during the early hours of the morning to make it all the more convincing. After she left Spencer did his morning routine like usual, a shower, setting the coffee pot, changing, grabbing his satchel and heading out but he was stopped by a piece of paper that was stuck between the front door and the frame, falling onto the ground. The note was different, it seemed messy and rushed. It read “Im still here” a shiver ran down his spine. His gut told him to just get on the subway and go to work and develop his highly intelligent team but his brain told him to take matters into his own hands. He stormed out of his building and made his way onto the sidewalk hoping to be able catch you before you got too far. He had the profile now all he needed to do was find you and he knew just how to do that. He stormed into the subway station proceeding to walk a little faster than usual. He felt eyes on him and immediately he turned around and met your eyes by sheer luck. He kept his eyes on you and you stayed frozen in place looking away from his gaze but not moving an inch.. could it be you? He knew morgan always trusted his gut and maybe it was time he did the same. As he started approaching you your eyes went wide and you sped walked away. You fit the profile, the only thing they didn’t mention was how attractive you were. He caught up to you quickly having the advantage of long legs “hey” he puts a hand on your shoulder giving you goosebumps “im meeting my girlfriend for coffee but I dont know which track to take.. do you think you could help me?” he give you a nice smile that you return but he notices your demeanor going cold at the word girlfriend.

“yeah totally! where are you meeting?” your fists are clenched at your sides, this was almost too easy “Virginia coffee house” he says simply “you’re gonna want to take the 53, it should get here in about 10 minutes.. that’s actually where im heading too” he smiles a little wider “I don’t suppose you mind waiting with me then?” you nod “not at all!…” you fidget with your fingers “actually im gonna go to the restroom” you turn to rush off with him hot on your heels, he wont forgive himself if he lets you get away.. he has to trust his gut when it’s screaming right at him he needs to know more. He follows you into the bathroom at the station which is thankfully empty and locks the door behind him “Spencer what are you doing?” you say and quickly realize your mistake as his expression falters “I never said my name was spencer..” your eyes widen as you start to back up into the sink “sorry I- my brains all scattered” you try to play it off with a laugh but hes not laughing. He starts to get closer and closer to you as you continue to step back “heres what I think and feel free to correct me if im wrong, but just know ill know if you’re lying, I study human behavior for living but of course you already knew that” your backed up completely into the sink and have nowhere to run as he continues to get closer until he finally towers over you face inches apart “I think you’re my little groupie.. I think you watched me get off and took pictures to touch yourself too.. I think you leave love letters at my door.. I think you’re jealous of my fake girlfriend and I think..” he whisper the next words right into your ear “you’re desperate for me” he hates to admit it but some animalistic part of him just wants to take you right there in the bathroom and make you scream his name to humiliate you just as you did to him. You’d proudfully admit that his accusations made your panties soaking wet, having to squeeze your thighs together for any friction.

Just then a loud knock at the door interrupts you both breaking away “whys the door locked?” you hear through the door “you’re right” you say before speeding off and disappearing into the crowd as soon as the lady at the door gets it open. Spencer rushes out ignoring the strange looks he gets but ultimately looses you. He lets out an exasperated sigh and with that hes on his way to work.

Coming back to an empty apartment was never fun but he couldn’t shake his head off with what happened just a few hours prior in that bathroom. He starts palming himself through his trousers and groans wishing it was you. He unbuttons his jeans and pull out his dick, stroking it as it fill the room with the wet sounds of his precum smearing all over his shaft “fuck” he sits at his desk and there he sees you. You’re on the balcony of the building across the street. The complex next to the one morgan was previously situated at the day prior. Camara leaning next to you, phone in one hand as your other hand starts to glide down your abdomen between your thighs successfully getting a whimper out of Spencer.. hes never been this exposed. He hears his phone ring and you mouth at him to answer it and he obeys. You let out breathy whines as you start to circle your clit matching the pace of the hand wrapped around his dick. His eyes are open staring straight at you, he dosent want to miss a single second of this. His own morality not even bothering him anymore, not when he feels this good and has this view. “Fuck” He stands up from his seat and walk closer to the window, he starts to glide his hand faster even teasing himself by running his finger through his slit “mmm” he knows you can hear him but he cant hold back his sounds god hes never felt this good under his own touch, he thinks it’s pathetic he has to imagine its your even though you’re only a few feet away. “faster” he demands. His ty is loosened but his shirt is still on and how you wish you could just see all of him, you insert 2 fingers into yourself struggling because theyre not long enough to give you as much pleasure as you need, you lean over the edge and hold on to the railing of the balcony giving spencer a better peek at your tits “you’re fucking c- crazy” he says with heavy pants inbetween every word “me? im not the one stroking my dick to my “stalker” god you hated that word but you heard him refer to you as that before, he lets out a deep growl “yeah well im not the stalker” the call is filled with whines and moans from both ends, you start nearing your climax “im gonna- hah-“ your words are cut off by your loud whimpers “aww cmon baby- you can write someone whos never even seen you heartfelt love letters but cant- ah finish- mm your own sentence” hes teasing but in reality hes in the same position as you “fuck- you” his open mouth turns into a smirk “bet youd like that” thats it, something in you snaps and your practically screaming and writhing in place as Spencer delivers his final pumps to his cock before he’s leaking cum onto his own chest with heavy whines as he tries to catch his breath with his eyes closed.

When he finally opens them to see you shock is evident in his face when you’re already gone and the line is left ringing. He buttons his pants and runs to his front door trying to catch you but instead his eyes land on another envelope. He opens it expecting it to be another love letter and pictures of him jacking it only to be met with photographs of YOU touching yourself, your mouth dropped open, hand on your pussy, only showing the bottom half of your face, the note attached reads “you have my phone number now.. id appreciate going on a date with you before you turn me in - your dearest Y/N” god this was going to be fun.

jealous!sukuna story here👇🏾

kings-get-jealous-to

Akward

The last thing Nanami kento expected to see at Gojo’s party (that he basically tricked him into going to) was his ex girl from 4 years ago in a black mini silk dress that if you just bent over a tad bit more—

“You alright man?” Gojo ask slapping his blonde hair friends back snapping him back to the reality where his cup of alcohol had been crushed completely in his hand.

He was sure of Two things in this moment.

His hand was wet and 2? He wasnt letting you get away again.

———

Incubus curse

After the mission Gojo sent you and Namami on to get rid of some incubus curse (which he didnt mention)  Nanami is shocked when you dont show up to the school the next day and decides to pay you a visit.

“I want you to bend me over every surface including my balcony until neither of us have any energy left… and then go for one more round”

Part two

What if Nanami is the one who suffers the effects of the incubus curse instead of you?

He felt fine and whatever silly little pink dust the cursed spirit sprayed mustve been just that, that’s until he catches a glimpse of you pinning one of the students to the ground and damn would he work endless amounts of overtime to be under you like that— what was he saying?! Shaking his head he almost completely looses it when he watches the way your ass jiggles in your shorts and wonders how back shots would be.

Its not long before hes back in his office gripping his length in his fist and bottom lip between his teeth to quiet his moans.

“Nanami you shouldve said something”

“Like what? How i want to have you moaning and beging to cum for a fifth time with tears in your eyes? Or that i want to watch your eyes get  wide as you swallow my dick taking it to the back of your throat like the good girl i know you are? Or that i want to fill you up with every drop of my seed to put my claim on you and my self control is dwindling because i can smell your arousal and i just want to burry my face in it” he says with pure raw desire as his eyes burn into mine.

——

Professor reward & punishment.

You suck at college math and luckily your neighbor who happens to be a proffessor offers to tutor you after you helped him out a few nights ago.

“Since you can’t seem to pay attention, for every answer you get right ill put in another finger and for every wrong answer you put clothes on reducing the friction.” He holds my jaw making sure im listening.

“And extra credit” i tease before he begins rolling his sleeves up the bulge of his muscles ans loosening his tie yanking aggresively.

A dark smirk reaches his lips that ive never seen before and ive never wanted to be more accurate in… whatever subject we were studying for again.

————

Jealous!Sukuna

You and sukuna had gone back and forth so much its almost like you forgot yuji was his vessel, almost like you forgot he was the king of curses.

But none of that mattered now you (23) and yuji also of age had comitted to getting drunk and letting loose for once.

Sukuna pays it no mind as you aimlessly flirt with some guy at the bar but your eyes are on him. Not the guy, not yuji but Sukuna who had taken over since yuji was to drunk to fight back.

He could easily burn the world to the ground and nothing could stop him except for the look in your eyes when your tounge trails up his abs to his chest tracing his tattoo that the only fire burning hes worried about is the one in your eyes.

“Id pleasure you in ways no woman in your 1000 years of existance could even think about” i smirk before flipping us over so im on top us still connected by our hips moving my hand from his wrist to his neck making him purr.

——

Dad!Sukuna

More of a drabble aka the 3 times his kids call him daddy and the one time you do.

“Get in the cage!” 

“Sukuna stop telling them that! Theres no cage”

“He put fucking smiley faces in my book of incantations” he growls showing me the smiley faces with red eyes, fangs and a crooked smile.

“Oooh he drew you is that why youre mad” i tease watching him seathe as the sound of footsteps running upstairs can be heard smoke nearly comes out of his ears and foam from his mouth.

“As shitty as the smiley face may be he drew it because of you, now stop being such a sourpuss! if you be nice ill even call you daddy and let you give me another little you” i peck his lips listening to the growl of disappointment from pulling away too fast.

“I don’t think i told them how much i love them today” He mumbles pulling me into his lap.

Teach me

Lo'ak x Reader

Warnings: (Lowkey stalker and sub lo'ak) Synopsis : (Lo'ak cant seem to take his eyes off of the girl who teaches his nephew.)

Playlist I listened to while making this

Reader's POV

"Good job muffin!!" Pxe'pe one of my youngest students finally gets her threading right. She runs off to show her mother.

I'm what Jake calls a babysitter but I like to think of myself as a teacher I mean that is what I do, people leave there kids with me while they attend to there duties and I teach them things like threading, scavenging, and even healing.

"miss miss miss" i hear a small voice from behind me and feel small hands on my leg, i turn around to be met with Kame'xar, one of my little ones.

"yes what do you need sweetie" i crouch down to be at his level

"i cut my finger" a little sob comes out as he holds his hand up, i see a small bright red cut nothing to serious but still it must hurt.

"oh no sweetie come on lets go fix that up for you" i extend my arms and pick him up, i start heading to the healing tent. i look down at his finger and as im looking away from in front of me i bump into a tall stiff figure. "Oh my eywa! I am so sorry" the figure turns around, i began to panic even more. The figure is Kame'xar's uncle.

"oh my goodness Lo'ak I apologize" i say hoping he wont notice the cut on his nephew's hand.

"oh no worries ...." he pauses trying to remember my name.

"y/n my name is y/n" i tell him.

"y/n... That's a beautiful name....Oh my god Kame'xar i didn't even notice you what's up bro, have you been crying what happened?"

He looks at me wondering what happened to his nephew,

"he cut his finger we were on the way to the healing tent to fix him up."

"oh well please let me walk you there its the least i can do" Lo'ak insists.

"I mean it is only right there but sure" we began walking to the tent which is already in sight.

Once we walk into the tent i set Kame'xar down on the floor and lower to my knees to grab the healing paste. I take his hand and gently rub the paste over his cut.

Kame'xar giggles "its c-cold!" he says in a fit of giggles.

"it is isn't it" i say laughing with him.

I can feel Lo'aks watching my every move. I stand up and turn around to Lo'ak.

"Well i should be getting Kame'xar back now." I feel Kame'xar put his now healed hand in mine and start pulling me to the opening of the tent.

"Thank you y/n, bye Kame'xar ill see you at dinner" lo'ak says waiting for us to leave.

"Bye" me and Kame'xar say at the same time.

As were walking I can't help but to keep thinking about Lo'ak everyone says he,s a bad influence and all he does is get in trouble but he seems so sweet and caring- ok y/n snap out of it he didn't even know your name and you got more important things to worry about.

Lo'ak's POV

'y/n.....y/n how have i never seen her around surly i would have noticed someone that beautiful. She's so different there's just something soothing and pleasant about her.

I walk out of the healing tent and start heading to our family tent,

Oh eywa i can't get that beautiful women out of my head. I need to see her again. I change my direction and start heading to where i know neteyam drops Kame'xar off every day. As i get closer i can hear the sound of children laughing getting louder, shes so good with kids. I hope to make her laugh like that one day.

I see my girl with kids running around her, there playing a game. I keep my distance and sit on a log where others are sitting and eating fruit.

I just sit there and watch her teach and play with the kids for hours. I turn away any time she looks in my direction hoping she doesn't realize that ive been sitting here for hours.

She would never want a guy like me an outcast.

Reader's POV

I finish putting up all the kids threading projects keeping them safe for tomorrow.

"Good Bye Vaylen! I'll see you tomorrow" now all the kids have gone home for the night, and i can start heading home. i turn around to start walking in the direction of my tent when i see Lo'ak sitting looking at me when he realizes I'm looking at him he turns his head the other way. Now that i think about it he has been sitting there since i got back from the healing tent.

'Should i go talk to him?' i ask myself 'I should.'

I start walking over to him with a smile on my face, he notices me coming over and i can see his body tense up.

"Hey Lo'ak what are you doing here?" i come to a stop in front of him.

"Oh i w-was ju-just uh chillin yk" he stutters over his words.

'my god, he's so cute, i want him stuttering over his words while i ride him' omg! what the fuck is wrong with me why would i think that.

I think he could tell i just got surprised with myself.

'y/n? Are you okay?" he asks as he stands up getting closer to me.

I can feel the tension in the air as his face is suddenly a few inches from mine.

"Yeah im good" i see his eyes move down to my lips as he licks his own.

He leans in intel our lips meet and he begins kissing me, i kiss back and start getting a little more aggressive i bring my hand to the back of his head and put my fingers through his hair lightly pulling.

"mMm" Lo'ak lets out a whimper/moan.

I pull away and bring my hand down " i cant do this Lo'ak im sorry" i look down to my feet.

"Why not baby?" he asks pushing hair behind my ear.

"What would people think if they found out, im not trying to be mean but your kinda know as a bad boy yk, and i dont want people to not trust me with there kids im sorry"

I turn around to leave and i feel him grab my hand and pull me back.

"Then Teach me, teach me how to be a good boy"

okay my brain isn't fully turned on and I have more to say on this subject that won't come out of my brain rn but ive been thinking about this for days and i need to share

I think trunks is like. he watches culturally important films, or like cult classics, a lot bc he feels it is a good way to expand his worldview or like just become more cultured. but by and large he does not like them.

oh for sure there's some he enjoyed. And there's a few where he's like 'Well, I didn't enjoy it, but i definitely think it was a good film. Just not my thing.'

meanwhile goten does not seek them out at all. he could not care less. BUT if Trunks is watching one when Goten wants to hang out, he'll sit his ass down and watch! He's not passing up a free fancy people movie!

And almost every time he REALLY likes it. And after every single one he goes on for like 30 minutes about Themes and Symbolism before interrupting himself to see if trunks wants to go get milkshakes.

and then after they get shakes trunks has to spend the night thinking about it. Why does goten seem to Get things so easily? Why does understanding worldviews he doesn't necessarily agree with come so naturally to Goten, when Trunks is actively trying?

Why won't Goten stop asking to see the movie where a disembodied head bites a girl in the butt (Hausu)??? Why does he think that's so funny????????????

PART 2: (Copy & pasted just to keep it all in one place)

okay i think i figured out the rest of what i wanted to say re: goten and trunks cultural movie bonanza as an example it's not like goten knows what chiaroscuro is. but he DOES notice and enjoy how filmmakers use lighting to draw the eye to or away from stuff. He picks up on the little clues. and once he starts watching enough of a certain genre he likes noticing how so-and-so film stands against the others. it's like i spy to him. and he likes hearing what a film has to say, under its layers. trunks talks like that sometimes, when he's doing business stuff. it's all code. it's mental stimulation but Trunks is like UGH nobody has said anything for FIVE MINUTES can we PLEASE move the plot along. this is like a BUSINESS MEETING tbh. and it's not like he doesn't get the plot or, once he's taken a film class, the meaning of certain techniques. he just can't bring himself to care. AND THE MAN JUST WON'T LEARN HIS LESSON AND HE KEEPS WATCHING THESE DAMN FILMS. also Goten like. he doesn't know these movies. his parents don't fucking watch movies. i mean maybe chichi watches like. romance and martial arts movies probably. he probably likes to compare himself to crouching tiger hidden dragon. so he DOESN'T know what to expect!!! when trunks is like 'hey im gonna watch Citizen Kane or Vanishing Point or Deliverance' or whatever and goten says NEAT i would like to watch also and trunks is like 'I know. that's why i told you. come over around 4 okay' and so goten doesn't have any sort of knowledge of these movies! it's exciting!!! bc the movies he saw growing up were his moms movies about kissing and punching and then whatever trunks took him to see in theatres. so like action and comedy and some horror. so it's new! it's fun! even when he doesn't really like the movie he's like 'well im glad i got to experience this new thing with my best buddy Trunks' ALSO they watched Eraserhead once and goten sat there afterwards on the floor (he likes to sit on the floor) for like ten minutes chewing his lips before turning to trunks and saying something to the effect of 'Trunks. I'm worried about what kind of father you're going to be.' and trunks just sort of. sat there. and looked goten in the eyes for a while. bc he didn't have a response. okay i think i got it all out of my system thank you for your time (i have been making my way through my movie bucket list so this is very strongly on my mind)

TL;DR: Trunks watches classic and high-rated movies becasue he thinks that he's an intellectual / because he's interested in increasing his cultural/artistic literacy & expanding his worldview. But he doesn't really enjoy most of them. And it is Goten who actually is able to see through to the heart of the film, exercise deep empathy, and reap delight at the tactics of storytelling unique to the medium. He's like WOOOAH SO COOL & MEANINGFUL .. (offers a critical analysis perfectly, that is sensitive and insightful). And Trunks is like wtf .... (stays awake at night pondering his deficits.)

DBALLZ COMMENTARY:

I WANT TO BE GOTEN ...

From what I'm gathering he A.) Has the capacity to UNDERSTAND what he's seeing B.) Has the capacity to ANALYZE/INTERPRET what he's seeing C.) Has the heart to EXPERIENCE the movie in full and D.) Has the faculty to ARTICULATE/VERBALIZE what he's experiencing.

Goten no doubt is lacking a lot of cultural and artistic context, but he makes up for it with his observant eye, and then over time what he gathers from one movie transfers to the next and he's able to feel even more moved and offer even more insight ....

It's because his heart is open .. Trunks is trying too hard without realizing it. And you can't have an open heart when there is inner pain that you're not aware of. That's what I think about Trunks .... his trying to be someone he's not (a movie-savvy type of guy) is entirely self-removed without intending to be... He thinks it's self-improvement but really he's being entirely daft to what intrigues his mind and what would really facilitate his growth. And he can't be open-minded toward others if he can't be open-minded with himself.

But the format of movies I guess really works for Goten, they're not usually longer than two hours and they're faster paced than say a novel and they're colorful and they have a lot of movement and the mode of drama-deliverance is altogether captivating for him .... They can communicate a lot with a few small visual or auditory details and Goten is hip to just picking up on those, because he's genuinely engaged and enjoying himself.

But Trunks has elected to adopt this hobby on an intellectual principle. But all the rest of him is like ehhhh whatyever. He probably likes sitting and chilling and eating popcorn. But there's a lot he's not into. It's just not his medium. Just doesn't work for him

I also think that part of it is that Goten notices a lot of things just because they are new to him. Trunks has been watching movies his whole life. Menahwile Goten has been only watching the movies of LIFE ... The lighting of the sun and the pacing of the seasons <3 Also Ponyo

So the whole thing is new and he's like "WOOOOAH .. SO COOL HOW the camera was so high in that shot so that it made me feel tall..... really shows you how small the character feels..." And Trunks just like Didnt notice that

Also trunks just DOESNT CARE !!!! But he doesnt know that he doesnt care. SILLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I like this part regarding Goten: "He picks up on the little clues. and once he starts watching enough of a certain genre he likes noticing how so-and-so film stands against the others. it's like i spy to him. and he likes hearing what a film has to say, under its layers. trunks talks like that sometimes, when he's doing business stuff. it's all code. it's mental stimulation"

Thats such a way to put it .... Goten is being such a genius rn. He would liken it to the mysterious business-speech. IT'S ALL CODE. IT'S MENTAL STIMULATION.

I don't know any of these movies but I do agree that Goten would sit for 10 minutes and then say that to Trunks ... It's like him to assume that Trunks would be a father one day becasue that's just natural to him that's just life.

When this all started I think that Trunks was like "You sure you wanna watch this with me? It's not like Kung-Fu Panda or anything."

And Goten said "Are you kidding? I LOVE your movies. They're like delicate poetry being told through the form of telenovelas."

Becasue the only life-action TV Goten had been exposed to before was his mother's telenovelas.

I don't really agree with this next part but it's obligatory.

Goten would pick up that Trunks isn't enjoying the movies as much as Goten is, before Trunks even gives proper acknowledgment to his boredom. Trunks just keeps watching them and Goten respects that and doesn't think about it much, but eventually it must be pointed out that hey, Trunks isn't getting as much out of these as Goten is.

Maybe he keeps inviting Goten over so that Goten can tell him what the movie is about. That would make sense. But really I think that Trunks just likes to chill out with him.

But the way that Goten woiuld crunch the numbers in his head (if he's ever removed enough from the movie to ponder) (maybe during a pee break or something) is "He doesnt like the movies. He keeps watching the movies. He keeps inviting me to watch the movies. He doesnt like the movies. But he always invites me. Why do people watch movies with somebody if they don't like the movies? As an excuse to be with them. He just wants to hang out with me."

But he would take it too far and he would fall on the couch next to Trunks and start kissing on him sweetly and when Trunks goes like WHAT Goten says "you dont even like the movies. You just want to hang out with me and eat popcorn."

And the most self-awareness that Trunks had exercised about this whole thing was when he was wondering why he sucked such shit at watching movies compared to Goten. He never really thought about WHY he was doing this to begin with. And so he's doing some hard calculations in his head meanwhile Goten nuzzles him like a pigeon

you get enough asks of people with similar questions and i told myself i wouldn’t add to the list, but i’m rly struggling rn.

i’ve been an active hellenistic polytheist for 3 years now, and an apollo worshiper for around 2.

yet, i haven’t really felt a connection to apollo for a year now. anytime i pray to him, it feels hollow.

i know that the advice people typically give is to move on, but i feel like then it’d be a waste. its quite terrible of me to say, but ive spent so much money and time setting up such a dedicated altar just for it to collect dust.

any ideas or advice? no worries if not. have a lovely day my friend :]

Hey, Max, thank you for the ask! I apologize for the delay.

So, I originally wrote a whole ass post that had paragraphs of information, suggestions, and advice, but Tumblr hates me and decided to just crash and not save literally any of it. 🙃 I'm hoping I can give you good information regardless of this setback. Also, please don't feel bad about asking questions; I honestly enjoy it, especially since some information can be hard to come by. All my information is merely advice and suggestions based on my own experience, but I hope it's helpful to you - and maybe even others - regardless.

The first thing I'll do is share some links that could be helpful for you. This one talks a bit about Deity Disconnect™ - something that I feel I can safely say has happened to every pagan and polytheist. Sometimes faith and spirituality come in waves, ebbing in and out as naturally as the ocean, but it doesn't always mean that a deity has left us. If you'd like to try reconnecting with Apollo through bonding activities and the like, this link and that link both lead to posts that mention some ways you can bond with a deity. Although I'm not sure if any of these will be helpful to you, I hope that they are. 🧡

I feel it's also important to mention that many devotees of Apollo find it difficult to connect with him during the winter. For me, I feel the feeling of disconnect begin as early as the middle of Fall and stay as late as the very beginning of Spring. Many attribute this to the myth of Apollo leaving for Hyperborea and leaving his seat in Delphi for Dionysus to temporarily take over. If you've been trying to reconnect during Winter, or even potentially Fall, the disconnect from Apollo may feel even stronger than usual because of this. I would wait to readdress this issue with him until Spring rolls around, personally, just in case this disconnect could be contributing to your problem at all.

Along with all that, I'm inclined to ask whether you've addressed this topic with him directly. Have you been able to communicate with Apollo directly about this and get his thoughts? In my experience, deities will typically let you know if they're stepping away, rather than yoinking away super suddenly and without a given cause (or at the very least, they are more than willing to provide a reason if you ask them); this tends to be especially true when it comes to deities you've been very close with in the past. If you haven't already, I'd highly encourage you to speak with Apollo in a format that allows him to provide a response to your questions, such as divination or meditation.

I do also have to say that sometimes deities leave but return later. It's entirely possible he is simply taking a break or stepping away temporarily. Maybe he feels you need to focus on other deities more at this time or he has simply taught all he can (or all that's relevant) at the moment. He could return full force later on in your life, be it a few days from now or a few years. This is something I'd ask him about specifically in order to clarify his intentions.

Ok, but what if he really is leaving and doing so in a more permanent fashion? Well, in that case, I encourage you to do whatever feels right for you. Take down his altar, or leave it up; it's entirely your choice. Even when deities leave our lives, they never truly leave, and most of the time, if we need a deity's help, we are still welcome to call upon their aid, even if they've "left". It's also possible that he is still ok with you worshipping or venerating him, even if he does choose to step away. There are some deities that I mostly just venerate but don't do much else past that, and that's perfectly ok. Sometimes it just feels nice to acknowledge a deity and show them appreciation, even if you're not particularly close to them. These are all things you need to have a direct conversation with Apollo about, however, as I cannot speak for him or what he is comfortable with.

Although it can feel like a waste of time, energy, and hell even money, please do remember that it is never truly a waste if your relationship to Apollo meant something - and still means something - to you. You put genuine time, love, and care into the altar you created, and regardless of what happens going forward, I'm sure he still appreciates that. It's important to know that when a deity feels the need to step away, it's not because they stop caring for you or the time you've spent together; they simply feel it's in your best interest for them to be more distant for the time being, but regardless, they are still there. They are still present in the world and life around you. Apollo can still be felt in the warmth of the sun on your skin and the rush of excitement you feel when the beat of music reverberates in your chest. He is still near, even if he feels far. He is still there, even if he feels absent. These are not things you're required to focus on or even acknowledge, however, if it makes you uncomfortable or you'd rather terminate your relationship with Apollo. I just figure it may be comforting to hear.

If the following doesn't apply to you at all or you simply disagree with my perspective, please feel free to completely disregard all this; it's heavily based on my own personal experience and beliefs. Do you work with Apollo or worship him? I know it sounds rather silly and somewhat ridiculous to ask, but I have personally noticed a significant change in my deity relationships when I focused more on worship than work. I have noticed that, a lot of times, deity work can end in that deity eventually departing because the things you're working on can eventually be resolved or improved enough that you no longer need them. To me, personally, deity worship often has a more permanent meaning, although that obviously doesn't ring true for everyone. If you were doing deity work with Apollo, it's entirely possible that he feels he's helped you the best he can with whatever you originally reached out about and has decided that you no longer need his assistance or guidance. If that's the case (which it obviously could not be), then you can absolutely ask him if he's comfortable switching your relationship to something that is more long-term worship based rather than short-term "please assist me with this specific thing" based. And since I'm sure someone will mention it, I do want to acknowledge that there is nuance in every type of deity relationship, and you can absolutely have a long-term "deity work" based relationship and a short-term "deity worship" based relationship. There are exceptions to everything, and everything contains nuance and complexity. I don't want to discount either of those things; this is just me sharing something based on my personal understanding, and no one has to take me at face-value.

Anyway, I hope I was able to answer your question and give you some suggestions or advice that helps. Regardless, I hope you're able to figure this situation out and that Apollo can address you more directly about it. I wish you the best on your spiritual journey. Take care, and have a good day/night. 🧡

A Warrior’s heart (Marcel Galliard x Reader) » Part VI

Word count: 2 254

Disclaimer: english is not my first language, I apologize in advance for any mistakes

Info: canon AU where Marcel didn’t die; also the reader is an Eldian Warrior from Marley but not a Titan Shifter

PART I / PART II / PART III / PART IV / PART V 

A Warrior’s heart (Part VI)

„The guards told me you haven’t been eating anything,“ said Commander Magath when he stopped at your cell. His eyes looked you over very carefully as if it was your first encounter ever. Or as if he forgot who you were and what you looked like in just three days. „You want to collapse right there in front of the court?“

„No need to worry about that,“ you muttered, pulling your knees even closer to your chest. Laying and sitting on the prison bed felt like torture, but you didn’t have anywhere else to go. „I’m just not hungry. And the food is disgusting.“ You tried it because getting weak and potentially sick could cause you more problems. But you almost threw up after the first few bites, so you decided to stay away from everything they brought you.

„Are you willing to talk to me?“

His question surprised you. Were you really in a position to decline an offer like that? „Yes, Commander,“ you answered him, closing your eyes for a second.

He called one of the guards to open your cell and let him inside. Commander Magath carefully walked towards you, looked you over one last time, and sat down right next to you. His sudden closeness startled you a little, but you didn’t move away from him.

„For now, you were deprived of your status of an honorary Marleyan. But only you, your sister can still receive the best medical care as if she was a Marleyan.“

You nodded, feeling like you could finally breathe for the first time in the last three years. The tears you cried weren’t for your lost status. But for your family. You feared the worst because nobody told you anything about them. You didn’t even know if they were informed about your return from Paradis.

„Thank you, I’m really grateful,“ you said quietly, resting your chin on your knees. Your whole body was in pain that was worsening by the minute. Everything hurt so bad... even breathing and thinking. And mostly overthinking every little detail of your life. Everything that led you to this moment. Into this cell. „Do they know I am here? Back in Marley?“

„Yes, they were informed the day of your return. And they also know that you’re awaiting a trial at the Military Court.“

You nodded again, taking a deep breath through your nose and holding it in for a short while. It was hard, almost impossible to fall or stay asleep. Nightmares were haunting you every time you closed your eyes. When you finally fell asleep, you woke up in a cold sweat and with tears in your eyes, desperately searching for Marcel. But he was never by your side. The bed was so cold without him laying next to you, the mattress hard and uncomfortable.

Nobody told you what happened to the other Warriors. But since they weren’t here, you hoped all of them returned home. Mainly Marcel and Reiner, since Zeke and Pieck had almost nothing to do with your mission. It would be really cruel to blame them for your failure. If it wasn’t for them, none of you would’ve made it back home.

„I visited them yesterday, they are doing okay. But are really worried about you.“ A desperate smile made its way to your lips. You wanted to ask him so many questions about your mother and sister but didn’t dare to do it. It would unnecessarily hurt you even more. „You can see them after court.“

„Even if I’ll be officially found guilty?“ He nodded shortly, resting his elbows on his knees and fixing his gaze on his boots. „Thank you.“  

The whole conversation felt forced, but for some reason, it didn’t seem like he was about to leave you alone once again. He came to say something but didn’t get to it just yet. So you waited. For many long, awkwardly quiet minutes. Your left hand found its way to the silver heart locket around your neck and squeezed it carefully, but also hard enough to sense the comforting cold feeling in your palm.

„Hurting you or the other Warriors was never my intention,“ he said finally, clenching his hands into fists. He was visibly struggling with his words but still felt it necessary to say them out loud. „I did believe in all of you.“

„Why was it necessary to send a bunch of kids on a mission like that?“ you asked openly, suddenly feeling no fear. You were already behind bars, what worse could happen? „Marley has a huge army full of better trained and surely more capable men or women. Why did you choose to use kids for something like this? Can you even imagine what we all went through?“

„We trained all of you since you were five or six years old. The army was the only thing you knew for so many years. All of you lived to serve Marley and get something in return. Something special and very valuable.“

„That’s not the right answer, Commander.“

„And what do you want me to say, Y/N?“ Hearing your first name from his mouth sounded weird, almost a bit terrifying. He never did that, almost no one in the military did that. They kept using your last name, for it sounded more professional. The army never saw you as kids who needed some special treatment.

„I don’t know. Maybe... maybe I’m waiting for an apology.“ His quiet laugh made you flinch a bit. Did you ever hear him laugh before? „You ruined us all. Bertholdt is dead, and Annie may be too. The others have a few years left to live. And I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror anymore because of all the things that Marley made me do. Maybe it wasn’t me who breached the Walls, but I was there. I saw those people dying, I heard them screaming when they were getting eaten by the Titans... by people like me, who you sent to Paradis.“

Even if you didn’t eat anything for the last three days, the urge to throw up was growing stronger with every passing second.

„How do you expect us to live with what we’ve done? Yes, Marcel and Reiner maybe hide their feeling better than I do, but they are just as broken, Commander.“

Some days it was only Marcel who could keep you sane. His presence in your life, the love he made you feel with every word or every touch. But on other days even his best attempts weren’t enough. Since the battle in Trost a few months back, you could feel your mind drift to dark places more and more often. You were slowly but surely losing touch with reality. And sometimes not even Marcel was able to lure you back from the darkest places in your mind and soul.

Not when you didn’t know who you really were and where your loyalty lay.  

And not when he was struggling as well.

Marcel tried to hide it, but there were moments you saw the mask slip off his face and reveal his true feelings. He was losing it, too. Just like all of you at some point. Because after all... you all were just ordinary people. Individuals with their own beliefs and coping mechanisms.  

„You know, Commander... there are no good or bad Eldians. In the end, we are all the same.“ It’s just the environment all of us grew up in. The government we were taught to obey and listen to. That made us different. But nothing else. People from Paradis were the same as people here in the internment zone. Many of them even better. „It’s a shame we had to learn it the hard way.“

„You can’t...“

Your laugh surprised him even more than your words. „Don’t worry, sir. I am not planning to spread these kinds of words outside this cell. All I ever wanted was to protect my family and save my sister. And I am still determined to do everything in my power to keep them safe.“

„All those years of training you did your very best. I saw that every single day and heard you cry many times when you thought no one was close by. But inheriting a Titan simply wasn’t for you, that kind of power needed someone else.“ You nodded in agreement. He was right and you knew for many years now. And after all, you got what you were trying so hard to accomplish even without inheriting one of the Titans. You became an honorary Marleyan and got your family the help they needed. That was all that mattered. „But you had other important and very promising qualities. That is why I gave you a chance. I believed, that you will be the one to lead the Warriors to success on Paradis. Marcel was never meant to be the leader, that place was meant for you.“

„What?“ you asked in utter shock, nervously pulling on the loose strands of your hair. „What are you talking about?“

„I wanted you to be the leader. But not everybody agreed, and my reasons didn’t stand a chance in front of the other officers responsible for the Paradis mission. I wasn’t able to convince them. They thought that Marcel was a better fit for such an important role.“

„What made you think that I would be a good leader?“

You were barely twelve years old back then. Marcel was a bit older, but still. He had the personality of a leader. All of you listened to him and respected his decisions naturally. You could never achieve that. Nobody would have listened to you. Merely because you simply wouldn’t know what to do.

You were a good and loyal follower. But would be surely a shitty leader.

„Your will and determination seemed much stronger. And you had a much longer life ahead of you than the other Warriors. That should have served as a good enough motivation.“

„Well, it didn’t,“ you uttered and slowly stood up, stretching your legs. The damned cell was too small to even walk around. All you could do was sit in one spot and overthink everything for the millionth time. „Next time you should think it through better, Commander. And not put so much hope in a kid, that barely knew what this cruel world was really about.“

You waited for his response, but it never came. Magath stayed quiet for a long time before he finally stood up, and reached for your shoulder. It scared you, but you didn’t pull away. Quiet the opposite. You looked over your shoulder and right into his eyes. It felt like an eternity until he finally looked away, squeezed your shoulder, and called for the guard who let him out again.

„Make sure you eat something today,“ he murmured while slowly walking away, not looking in your direction anymore.

It took you a while until you sat back down, pulled your knees to your chest, bowed your head, and closed your eyes. Your eyelids felt so heavy all of a sudden. Sleep was lurking somewhere near, you could sense it. But when you lay down and pulled the thin blanket over your exhausted body and head, memories came flashing back. All of them at once. Every horrible thing you’ve done to the people who never harmed you in any way.

Despite everything you fell asleep after a short while. Only for about two hours, but it was still something. After waking up, you felt at least a little bit better. But still, your first instinct after opening your eyes was searching for Marcel. You hoped he would miraculously appear right there next to you, so you could wake up in the warmth of his embrace.

But Marcel wasn’t there. His beautiful golden eyes and handsome face weren’t the first things you saw. It was the old cement wall of the holding cell. His sweet kisses didn’t help you wake up and snap back to reality. His fingers weren’t entangled in your hair, and his body wasn’t pressed against yours.

Commander Magath’s visit felt like it happened in a different reality. Maybe it did. Maybe he never bothered to come and talk to you. Why would he? Compared to him, you were nothing. Simply no one. Not a person whose life would really matter.

You rubbed your eyes sleepily and turned around, looking at the ceiling. Not eating anything was starting to take its toll. You felt nauseous and dizzy, and even your arms were almost too weak when you tried to push yourself up to a sitting position. Leaning against the wall, you close your eyes once more, naively trying to fight sleep.

In the end, your head found itself back on the pillow. Sleeping seemed to be the best way to pass time. Mainly because you wanted to avoid dinner time and stop your brain from wandering to the darkest, most hopeless places. Nightmares chased after you during the whole night, you woke in a cold sweat a couple of times, but fell back asleep every time.

When you woke up in the morning, a tray with breakfast was waiting for you on the ground right in front of your bed. And it looked much more appetizing than anything they've brought you before.

It almost looked like someone put in a word for you and finally granted you food, that didn’t make you throw up even before you tasted it.

To be continued...  

PART VII

i have 15 minutes before my work day starts, so why not have some reflections on 2023 for the lunar new year since my zodiac the dragon returns to me ☀️

PASSION

at the very end of the year, i did something i had always wanted to do and stepped down from work into a substitute position so i could focus on my art. it has been... slow, but i think it was the right move. whenever im not making something, i really cannot stand life. of course, i wont be able to stand it if i cant eat either, so well see how things turn out by the end of this year. i do think i need to get some art priorities in order, because im jumping around between a lot of projects which means theyre all getting done very slowly. i need to start focusing on one thing at a time, i think, but i really am enjoying the new stronger presence art has in my life.

MOOD

i really feel better than ever in regards to myself! most likely due to the aforementioned outpouring of passion into things ive wanted to do for YEARS. for the past few years, ive been a bit more aware of everything going on in my head than when i was a teen since i was still processing a lot of trauma, so ive been letting myself have a bit more slack on the rope in terms of "acting out of character" if that makes any sense. having a solid personality isnt something i really worry about since i know your sense of self is always shifting in every circumstance, but there were just some ways i never acted before that i let myself try on, find out its not for me, and then i end up feeling even more solid in who i am since i know what im not. i always knew i wasnt a giggly, happy-go-lucky person, but now i know that i can feel that way when i really really like someone. laios im talking about laios i have to be honest.

FRIENDSHIP

i think its my own personal failing that i overlook red flags from friends and try to make excuses for their behavior up until its too late and i have trouble not realizing that giving them an open space to be themself away from the world and support isnt enough to change that some are the type of people who are just looking for an excuse to think poorly of you anyway. i dont think im an overly kind person who will coddle someone being bad to me or a friend, but i definitely dont put my foot down enough. it happens in minor ways, but it happened in a major way again recently. if i had a dime for every time it turned into something severe, i would have two dimes. eight years apart and i let someone do the same thing, just minus suicide baiting me this time

tldr a friend of a friend sent that friend some stuff and it turns out that a friend who is no longer a friend turned into an islamophobe or at least started following islamophobic accounts and is very... delusional about the whole friendship + the kind of people we are + how we thought of him + really just wanted to think the worst of us and felt now he had a reason. we didnt read much more and felt no need to. its for the best that it's over, though, i think. he really was like that the whole friendship and didnt put any value on the things i/we did for him because it was never enough, which i knew the whole time but ignored because i thought if i did enough it would be enough, which leads me to:

i have been focusing more on loving my friends lately in the wake of that. i always have, though im not very vocal/chatty, so ive always shown it in my own way through giving drawings and gifts whenever im able. im never worried that i dont have a place in their lives, and im trying to worry less about the disconnect between how im thought of vs how i am. i think more what i am focusing on now is that i was always a very busy person, so while my friends were always very important to me, i want to do even more to show that since i want them to be sure of it. i dont have much time for any more projects, but i want to make sure they know i would do all i can for them outside of just drawing. i think this will help a bit with feeling more comfortable saying when i think something theyre doing isnt chill to me since the feeling would Hopefully go from me being bossy to me being just looking out for them being their best selves/not letting myself be misunderstood which just happens bc i dont talk very clearly not out of any lack of caring (there is a jumbled mess between my head and my mouth)

i also want to try to make new friends, or at least new acquaintances. theres a few people (mutuals 🥴) ive really wanted to talk to more, but i never know what to say. which makes sense, since i dont even talk with my friends all that much, usually only just whatever comes up in the current conversation in vc. autism damned. that boy cannot hold a conversation for his life. but maybe drawings are the way to go. my hands are all ive got IN SUMMARY

there are more thoughts and i dont have time to reread + word everything all nice because i have to work now. it is all a rambling train of thought mess. BUT tldr: life is really good right now and i feel more solid in the friendships im keeping and i am excited for my future art endeavors now that the last thing i was waiting for (the mixing palette!!!) came in. of course friendship is the longest section its the most important thing to me. anyway dreams for the year quickly ummmmm

✦ i want to learn how to use gouache. i have it! but i have to wait till i get a few projects out to get started. i think this will be very fun and very good for me because its been so long since ive played with a new medium ✦ i want to get better at small talk. how is the weather? do you like this type of weather? what type of weather do you like? what do you like to do when it is that type of weather? ✦ i want to visit prague to see if moving there would be good + feasible. my mom and half sister want to take a trip there, so i really hope that pans out and we can all go! ✦i want to work through my moral ocd about opening up a patreon/kofi and selling merch. people wouldnt subscribe if they didnt already have the money to. it doesnt matter if i make and sell 40 acrylic charms that are plastic and bad for the environment, taylor swift takes a private jet for a 20 minute car ride. ✦ i want to reach a higher fluency with arabic. its hard to find time to practice with my huge workload, so i think once i get better at time management with the projects, i can devote my mornings to a lesson a day and make better progress. ✦ lastly ig i want to try more new foods. i have been for the past several years, but i still am not the best at having good food consistently. im too busy right now to cook every day, so again i guess when i get better at time management between projects and life, i can devote some time in the week to meal prep + cooking good food. thank you laios dungeon meshi for reinforcing this. i already knew it but now theres a hot boy telling me it

2024 the year of more wahoooooo more taking more giving more drawing more cooking more dreaming more sun in the summer

Cracked open a word doc for this because this one is gonna be long, settle in. It might be screaming. It’s probably mostly gonna be screaming. Frankly. God. I read this for the first time at 6 am.

GOD THE CALM AFTER THE STORM THE WAY THIS STORY STARTS MAKES ME INSANE GOD THE PARALLELS??????? THE FACT THAT RIGHT FROM THE START I JUST WANTED TO SCREAM BECAUSE SCAR’S HAIR HAD LEAVES AND STICKS AND BLOOD IN IT? AHHH I do love that it took the three of them to be this beat up to actually lay it all out on the table to be honest. It’s very fitting. I do also love how they only talked about what they were supposed to talk about for like 5 minutes before completely derailing to emotionally devastate themselves and each other

Related but the fact that they never come back to grian going up against blondie on his own is so funny the man avoided so hard that he would rather tell them he killed three gods. Mood, Grian.

‘I don’t want people dying because of me’ HIT ME LIKE A SACK OF BRICKS, FYI. SCAR. SCAR. I AM HOLDING HIM BY HIS WET AND PATHETIC FACE. GOD AND IT ONLY GOT WORSE AS HE TALKED ABOUT HIS DAD, AND JUST. AHHHH.

Now. We are going to deal with the fact that Grian can SPEAK ANCIENT bc of the WATCHER BIBLE because its making me insane. He’s got two supernatural boyfriends who speak their language [and I think the fae had their own?] AND Natural and Grian just. Casually. Bc of this holy tome. Knows Ancient and didn’t even realize it was disconnected from Avian bc of the midnight alley. I’m. I am shaking him.

WE’RE ALSO GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE CHANGELING THING. ‘Don’t worry about it’ SCAR I AM GOING TO. Especially w my secret friend knowledge slkdfhs GOD. I AM WORRIED

And then the whole magic flux thing and scar’s dad dying and SCAR WATCHING HIS DAD DIE AUGH. The fact that this whole time everyone’s been saying watching a sorcerer go out isn’t pretty and somehow I didn’t properly connect the dots until the lead up to the talking about it my LITTLE HEART AH. This scene genuinely made me cry while I was reading it.

AND THEY’RE ALL HOLDING ONTO EACH OTHER YOUR HONOR GOD. THIS IS WHAT THEY DESERVE FINALLY. I AM CAPTURING THIS MOMENT IN A BOTTLE AND NEVER LETTING IT GO. MY HANDS ARE CUPPED AROUND IT SO I CAN PEEK IN AT IT AND GIGGLE AND SQUEE SOME MORE. GRIAN IS USING HIS WING AS A BLANKET. A SHIELD. A GROUNDING MECHANISM. AHHH

I love that with Scar the story always come back to not being able to make decisions for other people. It’s a cycle – Scar tries to let go of that part of himself, something happens that puts someone in danger, he clams back up but he clams up too tight and gets himself on the path to hurting himself, someone puts him  on the right path – ad infimum until the cycle breaks. God. Parallels between that and Mumbo’s ‘Putting myself back out there to try and do some good – Oh god Ive fucked up and everything is bad – I need to hole myself away for decades and hide from my mistakes – the coast is clear and this time I’ll do it right’. Mwah.

Also the Dad stuff going on here. How Scar and Mumbo get either other on a deeper level because they are/were parents. They can put themselves in each others shoes in a way grian can’t [yet]. But also Grian fucking chirping and making bird noises is. So.

‘I was useless as a natural and Im useless now” right okay that’s why Scar has what I believe to be a good handful of history books ABOUT YOU AND HOW USEFUL YOU WERE EVERY STEP OF THE WAY IN YOUR LIFE okay jumbo. But god also the fact that the thing he talked about was all his friends dying in the revoltion and not his wife getting slaughtered means that is probably still locked away so tight in his lil noggin oh boy. That’s gonna rear its head hard and fast one day if I know anything about you. But also ‘a memory only he can pass on’ H I T me. Like a moving car.

And then all his kids dying lsdakg this poor dude. He just wanted a kid. [its fine hes got tubbo now] and then Anna dlgkfh lord. Mumbooooooooooo

I did notice he didn’t actually talk about Anna he just got in his head and G O D that is gonna come back to bite all of them in the ass at some point huh. Isnt it.

‘four and a half centuries is plenty of time’ NO????? FOUR AND HALF CENTURIES IS PLENTY OF TIME TO HAVE MORE TRAGEDY, SURE. SURE. RECOVERY? NO.

Also his name being Alexandre Moore is so cute and fitting for c!Mumbo wow. Mwah. AND I WANT HIM TO START INVENTING AGAIN PLEASE THE REDSTONE CONSTANTLY BUZZING IN MY HEAD BEGS FOR IT LDKSGHSD

Also grians nestmates are fucking dead aren’t they. They’re like absolutely fucking deceased in that cave huh. Bottom of the cavern, never came out? Dead. Dead dead.

But the fact that Grian talks about being chosen but he was just like a servant l;dsaghklllkdf a servant to the watchers is my guess that fucks me up so bad like he thought his life was so elevated and im never ognna forget when him and scar were talking and scar realized grian was definitely not a noble im.

And the WAY grian talks himself in circles and into corners like Scar and Mumbo’s shit is clearly emotionally devastating but they’ve clearly at least processed it somewhat but we KNOW bc we’re often is grian’s pov that he avoids even thinking about midnight alley for himself so he probably hasn’t processed anything properly and ahhhhh just the way he talks about midnight alley is so different from how scar talked about his dad or mumbo talked about his friends and family. Part of that is character difference sure but. But part of that is definitely that grian hasn’t actually processed anything isn’t it. Oh god going to the alley again is going to fuck the three of them up like crazy isn’t it.

AND THEN THE WHOLE DREAM THING ON TOP OF THAT TOO I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT GRIAN WAS ACTUALLY UNWORTHY BECAUSE IF HE WAS THEN WHY THE HELL IS HE HAVING PROPHETIC DREAMS!!! Heres a theory I just pulled out of my ass – Grian was already a watcher, he didn’t absorb a watcher soul when he killed three of them because he was already a godling. Something about the fact that he’s held onto the god soul for 2 years with basically no side effects. Somethings not adding up here. His body should be having to fight it based on how Scar is talking about it – ATHERIX I AM SHAKING YOU

GOD AND THE FACT THAT GRIAN IS THINKING OF WHEN SCAR GOT SHOT WITH WITHER BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE WHEN SOMEONE WITHERS AND THEN ALSO THE FACT THAT HE’S THINKING ABOUT IT NOW AND THERES GOTTA BE SOME PART OF HIM PARANOID BLONDIE IS GOING TO COME BACK FOR THEM

And then the fact that Mumbo and Scar and Fate and Tying Grian back to everything good that’s happened and the way it grounds him I am shaking the bars of my enclosure like a New York sewer rat.

And the fact that theyre all sitting there realizing that Grian is now basically a ticking time bomb the same way scar is. That Mumbo is realizing sitting there that his mates, the two people he loves as deeply as he loved Anna, are ticking time bombs. That Scar who just confessed he doesn’t want people to die because of him, is now looking at his boyfriend like hes a ticking time bomb. DESPITE ALL MY RAGE I AM STILL JUST A RAT IN A CAGE. AND GRIAN DOESN’T EVEN REALLY PROCESS IT EITHER DOES HE he just files it away in his ‘Traumatic Junk’ FOLDER.

AND THEN THEY’RE GOING TO GO TO MIDNIGHT ALLEY AND GOD I CAN ALREADY FEEL THAT THIS IS GOING TO BE A DISASTER IN THE HIGHEST REGARD AND I AM SO READY.

BUT then they go to bed and mumbo has to go to bed with thew knowledge that both his mates are ticking time bombs and he doesn’t know how to stop it. I AM SHAKING YOU SO HARSHLY.

See me cracking my fingers bc I need to go to bed but I'm stubborn-

YEAH MY MANS WAS MESSED UP HJFSKJS. I mean what's a little emotional instability without Near Death Experiences to highlight what's at stake here hjgfkfd Ah yes, avoidance. They're all very good at that. Nothing like a good Emotional Talk to distract from the fact that they'd all rather let themselves die than Inconvenience Each Other or Put Each Other In Danger hjkgfdkjfd

Look, man swerved so hard they ended up on a completely different plane. What's a little battle against Blondie when you find out you're dating a literal god-

YEAH. YEAH YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD IT WAS TO RESIST TALKING ABOUT THAT BACKSTORY I AM HFSKJKJS I WANNA HUG HIM. And today you learned something that makes this even worse heheh-

Yis, the Fae have their own language yis <3 Haha Midnight Alley speaks Avian and reads/writes Ancient. Honestly it's a miracle Grian even knows Natural. Wonder if he had to crash-course learn it in his first year out of the Alley because I highly doubt they taught it there :) hehe-

LMAAOOOO you have every right to be worried. Scar has too much faith honestly <3

This is even funnier considering I PROBABLY GAVE YOU MORE HINTS TO IT THAN ANYONE ELSE LMAAOOOO JKFSKJS good good, I was going for emotional devastation. Max angst and trauma for the little Elf man AND the readers-

YES OMG I LOVE WINGED CHARACTERS USING THEIR WINGS AS SHIELDS/BLANKETS I AM KJKFSKS I LOVE IT SO MUCH <3 They will have more days like this HOPEFULLY HAPPIER ONES JHFSJKDS-

You get it <3 I love parallels and bookends and themes. Vicious cycles that need to be broken and lessons that need to be learned and just jhfdjksk it's something I wanted to explore from the start with this story. It's all about the regrets and the fears. Mumbo learning to accept he's a Vampire and taking his place in Vampire society, Scar learning to accept that he deserves to be happy, too, and he can't make the decision for other people...... also has anyone noticed the irony in Scar? He rejects a lot of his Fae instincts and attributes because Fae magic is naturally manipulative and he doesn't want to control people, but then he tries to manipulate them anyway. Has- has anyone noticed this? I'm-

LOOK. I love that Scar and Mumbo have that Dad to Dad communication and understanding <3 And you just KNOW if Mumbo had found out about Tubbo earlier things would have been so Different jhfskj I love it. ALSO GRIAN deserves to make bird sounds sorry not sorry <3

Hahaha he sure skipped over that part :) You know. Blondie looks a LOT like her sister. I'm sure that :) won't come back to bite :) The fact that he instantly stumbled when talking about Anna dying :) The fact he froze up when Blondie got Grian :):) hehe. LOOK. LOOK. Something that KILLS me about history is that there are SO MANY LITTLE THINGS we will never know, because they weren't "important" enough to record and only the people who were there could ever pass it down. It destroys me on a deep emotional level so I knew I had to include that line somehow-

Pretty weird how all three children died huh- cough cough anyway he will acquire children one day <3 Which sounds. Vaguely threatening but I swear it's wholesome, he becomes Dad again <3 Though the moment Tubbo realizes Mumbo has elevated to Other Father is hilariously tragic but. But. You know all about that-

Heheh :) Maybe :)

YEAH BUT ALSO THE FACT HE BOTTLED IT ALL UP AND TRIED NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT AND TOLD NO ONE HJKJKHSKJS-

The name popped into my head and I was immediately like "Yep that's it <3" HE WILL START INVENTING AGAIN I PROMISE. HE WILL REAWAKEN THE PASSION <3

:) Hahaha guess you'll have to wait for Midnight Alley to find out huh :)

Grian's life view was greatly skewed growing up, he was too young to really understand what was happening and by the time he was old enough it was just Normal to him and he felt like he owed them so much... hjfkjskd sometimes I think about that scene from Scar's perspective tbh, just listening to Grian talk about his life inside the Midnight Palace and unconsciously comparing it to your own and realizing This Is Not The Same and just jkfgdkjdk-

YEAH. They may not have recovered but they've at least processed. Grian has been avoiding this for- gee, I think in-story it's been almost 4 years now?? I know my timeline is vague as SHIT but Midnight Misunderstandings didn't happen until nearly a year after Grian met Scar, so this conversation comes roughly 4 years after Grian left Midnight Alley. That's 4 years he's been avoiding even thinking about this shit. (quick timeline note- Tubbo turned 18 shortly after Scar met Grian; this is when Scar told Grian he has an apprentice now. Tubbo is 19 during Midnight Visit, and now Tubbo's 20th birthday is approaching- so it's been roughly 2 years since Grian met Scar and Mumbo hjkfdkj.) Hahaha going to the Alley is. Going to uh. Be. Um. Yeah :) That is going to be Fun and I am CHOMPING to start writing it-

Haha I told you on Discord but you're paaaartially correct here, not 100% but definitely onto something :) But you know. It's interesting :) Isn't it :) that all of this stuff with the Watchers is happening now :) After Grian has Mumbo and Scar and the Coven... :) You know. Like he. Uh. Like he's fulfilled part of the Tenets to be a Watcher. :)

Grian will Always be on the lookout for Blondie now. Soft moments? He's glancing around. No more walks in the woods at 2 AM, no more dancing in the clearing, none of that. He is. Definitely worried. :)

KFSKLFJKS yesssss. Grian came into their lives and broke down Scar's walls at exactly the right moment and just. So much would be different if Grian wasn't there and if that's not Fate then idk what is hjfgdkkd-

Grian is very good at compartmentalizing. Unfortunately he's NOT good at the "get back to it later" part. This bird man. I swear- BUT YEAH HHHJSHJ Mumbo already having to deal with and accept that Scar is basically one magic overload from his deathbed finding out Grian is one step from either Death or Immortality and just hjfdhjsjks it's scary fhjdskfds SHAKE THE BARS ON YOUR RAT CAGE HEHEH-

I WANT YOU TO KNOW. THAT I HAVE BEEN EAGERLY AWAITING MIDNIGHT ALLEY FOR NEARLY TWENTY PARTS NOW.

Hehehehehe I hope they sleep well :) I'm sure there won't be any nightmares after this :) I'm sure Mumbo will sleep just fine even knowing that both his mates could literally die any minute-

The worst advice Ive gotten all week is to eat small meals and snacks, but my stress levels are so high I’ve recognized I’m in trauma shut down mode.

I felt bad for falling down the stairs face first into a basket, and I’m all messed up. I’m doing so much for my family taking care of things around the house I feel less and less like I exist and more like cheap labour.

I’m not angry even if I could be, but eating and having feelings has completely drained from me. I’m robotically moving through the day anticipating the next demand or crying. I am capable of so many things, but I’m treated like an idiot.

I cooked so much for others and watched them eat that I stopped feeling anything, I’m a taller person who takes directions, folds laundry and puts it away. I put together outfits, and give everyone drinks at night.

By the time I’m done I just sit on my stairs, concentrate on what I need but it just drops out. Its like several years ago but I feel nothing and more withdrawn. I dont want to draw or play games, I’m on medicine for depression but this feels different.

Its like my life is already over, and I’m just waiting to bury the last two members of my family. It doesn’t make me that sad, I’m just exhausted at the prospects of how long it’ll take. Maybe thats mean, I’ll miss them but right now they’re not my parents.

I thought maybe I was mentally giving up, but at work today I thought I already have. I gave up on a future for myself, things I wanted, what I want to do. Whether or not I want to pursue a relationship when this is all I am, how exhausting that would be. Friendships arent fun when people worry.

If I laugh or talk to loud it means I’m available to help, so if I want peace or time to think I just sit in silence at my desk or in bed. Its not that books or games or shows are boring I just feel guilty.

“Come play this game with us,” but I’m not supposed to be having fun. Mom is crying and needs help, I shouldn’t be laughing or talking about my feelings on the matter. Its alienating. I don’t relate or understand my friends anymore. They don’t get it or never grew up this way. They got out or have other family. Its just me, I’m the last surviving child and the youngest, but I cant maintain my job and this lifestyle.

I hate when people tell me to run away or leave, they have no idea how scary it is to pick some up from a fall or handle the bleeding and abuse. Or when you’re forgotten by name, all the crying and screaming. It follows you everywhere and doesn’t immediately get better. Not when its your whole life. Its decades of trauma and guilt.

Every plan you make or purchase you make is disappointment, other people need more help than you even when you question if thats a lie. Giving up your birthday for someone else because it feels selfish to ask for things or want things. Its already so internalized. I mean, only one person celebrates my birthday as an adult, I got too old for birthdays, easter, halloween and Christmas before I turned 12. Even if its something I want, I cant ask for it from my family.

If I got sick or needed help I was a burden or at least an inconvenience. So somewhere down the line these past months my body and just shut down. I just don’t have it in me to be falsely cheerful, its just exhausting.

Even if you love your family, and you work full time - even the small things add up until theres just no room to be anything but what they need. I wanted to travel once.

Will it be a miracle if I can? If I’ll even want to?

life's been okay. nothing special. days just keep on going. ive had a job for bout 2 weeks. ig thats not really an achievement tbh.

before this, that work from home place i was barely working, prolly 5-10 hours a week. and i'd slither out of those where possible anyway. this one week i worked a whopping 2 hours within 2 weeks. I was planning on killing myself and occasionally tried to all throughout having those jobs so i wasn't really worried about the consequences

before that the only other in person job i had was for my ex best friend. she worked there so i applied and got a job o work with her. only for her to quit 2 weeks after i got in whiich lead me to quit prolly a week n a half later cause i finally got fed up with the manager.

so now, even tho it ain't the longest ive held down a place, its the first that i really cared to put in effort to hold a job.

im semi celebrating but im honestly miserable. my feet hurt so fucking bad so it literally doesnt matter how good my hours are i never want to leave my bed. the people up there are so cliquey and on my 2nd day out of training one of my coworkers went off on me for going too slow and "not putting in my part". theyre starting to give me longer and longer shifts. i went from working 3-4 8 hour shifts per week to working 3 doubles just like that. they sooo generously give an hour and a half break in between the 6:30-3 and 4:30-8 shift but.. who in their right mind is even leaving atp? i live too far for that. i'd be home for at most an hour. waste of gas.

and to me what's worse, this whole situation is exactly what i've been avoiding. i knew it'd come down to this someday. but what alternative do i have?

HA. you know as a kid, i never understood addiction. I never thought I'd have to deal with it. By the time I was 8 I knew I'd kill myself someday. if i ever felt bad, that'd be what i'd do. no need to force myself to do something i didnt really wanna do. but now it seems so easy. i don't know what i wanna do from here. i hate my job. i hate my home life. i dont like to talk to my friends anymore. im bored of games. im bored of music. bored of tv.

whisking the days away doing what i have to would be a lot easier if i didnt have to be fully present for all of this. just something to pass the time until i have a better handle on what's the next move. right now, the only thing i can do is save up money. i have shit to pay off if i wanna keep a good credit score and i have things i need to buy. what's me hating every second gonna change?

though i know it's a slippery slope. abusing shit aint gon work out as smooth as I wish it would. I'll get addicted and then I'll get used to feeling that way so it'll take more for me not to get annoyed. then it'll turn back to me immediately running back to it for every minor situation. and honestly with the job i got i'd just have to hope i would be able to push through it without it being noticeable

i'm not happy i stopped. i feel like had i still been on dph i would've known for a fact how to make myself look normal. i could be gone out my mind but long as i get the shit right i could just daze through the days. but ya know. now. i ratted myself out

and now im stuck.

nothing more for me to do. nothing else i could be doing. nothing else i should be worried about other than making money

I never understood why adults always told me i'd miss being a kid since i was always struggling so bad. all they ever said is that my problems then were gonna feel like nothing once i was an adult. but they were wrong. i guess for now. but all i wish now is that i used all that freetime back when nooo one woulda suspected anything if i was away for a lil while. back when i wasnt ful grown and it'd prolly take a whooole lot less to finish the job

but here we are. forced to keep going and doing what i can to suppress what i really wanna do

ah speaking of which... i got pissed the other day and i tossed one of my drawers and broke it. then broke my bottle for my vitamins by throwing it to the ground. then i accidentally knocked over this container of beads and instead of just sweeping it back into the thing and reducing the mess, i just kicked it as hard as i could and tore the container apart. there's still beads everywhere

that is something i can't force myself to contain anymore. everything else i've been dealing with fine but when im pissed im pissed. i gotta get that under control too

i know i havent been checking my messages for like two weeks. dont ask me why i dont fucking know either dude. i really dont know whats wrong with me i really dont know why im like this. believe me if you think you're the only one ive ghosted recently you're not. its everyone. literally everyone. no reason whatsoever. its very easy to do when you literally have no friends that see you in real life ever and havent seen anyone more or less since december of 2021. so like. yeah. whats anyone gonna do? no ones going to come to my fucking door to see if im okay or just to break into my isolated nightmare box. no one has an interest in doing that. ive had to plead to get anyone to consider seeing me and theres really no point and its not their fault either because it is a major inconvenience because i am so so so far from anyone and its so so so much easier to just. not try to get anyone to do anything. its so much easier to exist in stasis even if it kills me. like i said no one will do anything about it. nothing will stop me from slowly destroying myself. i wont stop me either. i hate every task i have to complete and everything in my life that could break my constant nothingness despite the fact that i hate my constant nothingness at the same time. there's no way to win and theres no way out and theres no point to anything. really seriously no point. the further removed i get from everyone and everything the easier it is to fade away completely if i so choose. im basically there already. i wish i'd do something drastic to myself to make the world feel real again and to make my life feel like it has any kind of real odds to it and a selfish disgusting part of me wishes i would because of the oh so common reasoning of getting people to treat me like i have any importance instead of me always having to beg pathetically for anyone's attention in real life. i exist almost solely in my own head these days. im only able to handle fiction and i bury myself so deep in it that maybe, hopefully i can forget my life as a real person, and i can feel things even if they're for stupid imaginary reasons. its been like this for a long time but its to an extreme right now. i dont want to remember who or where i am. i dont want to be reminded i exist and the world exists around me. i dont remember what its like to have friends in my everyday life that i dont have to worry about disappointing or annoying or embarrassing. its been so long. much longer than just the time since ive moved. its been at least a few years. it seems nice, thinking back on past experiences, at different times in my life. but unfortunately it doesnt seem like i was built to maintain friendships, let alone to make them. i'm manufactured to fail or sabotage myself. i am built to be unlovable, regardless of who may like me on the internet, or like me on a shallow level otherwise. anything deeper than that has lead me to more pain and complication than if i didnt talk to anyone at all, so i guess it makes sense why i'd end up here.

my relationship is doomed and has been for a while now, and i cant make myself care that much anymore. he doesnt talk to me and i dont talk to him. he doesnt know what i do and i dont know what he's doing, other than that he has a life and people he cares about more than me on an everyday basis by a long shot. hes almost a stranger to me at this point. he wouldn't notice if i was fucking dead unless someone were to contact him about it however long after the fact. i know this because i havent spoken to him in days if not weeks and he couldnt care less. i am not a part of his life anymore and i cant help that. i've numbed myself to it for now. who knows what my mind will think of it on some other day but as it stands right now i dont know him and i cant push myself any longer to try and be a part of his life when he clearly does not care if i am or am not. he very easily can exist without me and has been doing so for quite some time. he has other people, i dont. that's just how it is. im not a good person to put faith into in a relationship in general, friendship or otherwise, because just look at me. ive ghosted everyone i know for like two weeks for no fucking reason and with no warning or explanation. i dont even know what the explanation is. i am fundamentally empty and with the bleakness of everything over the course of the last however many years i've given up hope that that emptiness will be filled in a more than superficial way. in a more than fleeting way. no one's going to do anything for me. there's no point. theres nothing in it for them. why would you go out of your way for a husk of a person who cant give you anything of value in return. whos not reliable or stable in any way shape or form. who cant function like a person no matter how many fucking antidepressants and stimulants and whatever the fuck else he takes. writing all of this i feel like a normal person would be crying. i feel like i would be crying at some point prior in my life. but i havent at all, nor have i felt any urge even close to doing so. i think that tells you how empty i am and how much i am resigned to whatever this is. i've wasted three years of my life rotting in silence and solitude, why think anything's going to change? and what's worth changing anyway? again, there's really nothing here to salvage. i wonder how much time i have left in me to just sit here and hate everything and dissociate and dissociate and dissociate because at this rate i doubt its much.

i'll go find something to distract myself with like i always do. spend my time on mundane tasks because they're reliable and take up space in my otherwise empty life. i doubt i will do anything productive that involves thought. i want to avoid everything more. i hate myself for it and i hate my life for it. i dont wish to die so much as i wish to not exist. they overlap of course but i feel the need to clarify that because its less about self loathing and more about the loathing of life as a whole, existence as a whole. it's not meant for me. i am not built to be sustainable. my head hurts.

how much longer do i have to atone? what did i do that was so bad that i cannot allow myself to die, even though i beseech of that very thing. there's no single reason for me to continue on when i will either inflict hurt or be hurt. ive always felt like with each and every person i converse with, i will never talk with them beyond the surface level. i cant connect with anyone, i simply cannot. i dont know how to be charismatic, how to end the silence, and why silence feels like my burden. ill explain more in another post, later. yesterday i was put in a situation where i became harshly aware of this, depsite having always known. ive always known, and some days i am more aware of it than others. i know its been weird because im apathetic as of late, and cant really think properly. but when you said that it was awkward being there with me, i couldn't help but feel worried. i know ive been cruel to you for a little, but its only because you hurt first. but it was selfish of me not to see through that, but even still why should i act like i care. do i even really? who's to say? but i was nevertheless worried, because even though i knew i'd take my life, i thought by some chance, that someday, you'd save me. that maybe my love for you, and the interchangable sum, could be wonderful enough to save me from this dream of dying ive had. but it was foolish to even think that when we could never connect in the first place. those nights where i looked at your pictures to ease me into sleep was just time spent on useless acts of greed. how could i ever hope for our bodies to exchange warmth when you could never even feel like i was a wonderful enough person; im not lovely, i will not be someone you could ever even want to be around. i know of you, but i dont know you. neither do you know of me, i dont think im a very vulnerable person because maybe ive always just been like that. i know of you, the promise of death. and though i vow to this promise, i sometimes stray away, i sometimes have love to give, i sometimes think about a life worth living. but when i think of these thoughts, i realize that i cannot have that because i have to atone for something with no reason as to why. i mustve done something so bad that i will never have any sense of normality in my life. i thought that i could, but truth be told, i will not be the person to save you, nor will you be the person to save me. our friendship has already seen a decline, and im sure it will soon be no more. my life is different from yours, because you loosing me will not feel like a loss. you have others to make up for it, people who wont make you feel lonely, places to run to. i have nothing, and so loosing you will be a cold loss. as i navigate these feelings, i will fluctuate between not caring, and caring enough so that it is reminiscent of a heartbreak between lovers. we are not lovers, even though i wish that we could be. i will still wish even in the times i am swarmed by a brigade of untidy loneliness. i thought that loving someone and forgoing everything else is all i need, that if i dont murder myself, i can move 2,000 miles to where you live. we'd finally see the same stars at the same time, not even in different time zones. i can see your face, instead of it just being plastered to my screen. i can touch you, all the while you touch me. im greedy and selfish and there's nothing of me i can give to you, i cant provide you anything, because it just doesnt happen that way. someone with such an idle personality should have no hope, no hope that someone like you, with the beautiful hair, could ever save me

Im so terrified. I dont want to get hurt. Its not even been a month and i am so fucking obsessed and invested and i definitely want to be, i know what i feel and do want but its like damn I got hurt so fucking devastatingly bad this year that literally killed me, the levels of despair i cannot feel again, i am not strong enough for that, i barely have made it back to reality and its like as soon as i get the hang of things, things get crazy again and its like everything is exactly how ive always wanted them to be right now and i couldn't be more happy cause i truly know what i feel and when things are at its best, god its so fucking perfect but i feel im not able to talk to anyone yet or be more open about stuff cause i feel like a secret, like ill get casted out again..like i worry i am getting kept in the dark so i dont see or experience something bad, like for example they dont have me on their social media at all and i feel weird and scared about asking or getting on there and getting triggered by something and that maybe im just being used for validation and as a rebound because im so forgiving and easy to talk to or something.. in return its causing me to not know what's really happening, am i what they want? Are they talking to anyone else? Do they think so highly of me like i do them? Do they recognize the way we move together and talk to eachother? Is it as meaningful to them as it is me? Its like i know would lie about where they were or what they wang and their true intentions before, so why wouldn't they lie again? But at the same time thats not fair, cause its like i coukd very well be accused of being shitty too and still actually not be doing anything shitty and its like man..i feel like ive been living a honest and decent life, i maybe do keep to myself a bit much but i just enjoy my company and also not feeling like i have to explain myself caused ik people often times feel they have a say in things when they do not..i dont think bad things are happening behind my back the last two weeks or so and things have been magical and passionate and full of conversations, synchronized behavior, mutual understanding, growth, literally alway being able to meet in the middle on something, the dynamics i adore, we are so different but so much alike and I love it with all my being and im continuesly betting on the good things but that first week and a half idk..things seemed really off at certain moments that maybe hinted at things but again i can get very paranoid and of course cant control someone's actiona..I just dont want to throw awayy boundaries in attempts to please and i feel ive done that already in a lot of ways but by simultaneously finding such new perspectives and found love that was always there just stuck and idk i guess the feeling of trust has become so hard this year. Ever since January and in between i felt very used and thown away and lied to because i was to a degree i guess and even if ive done wrong in the past and yeah did i royally do some stupid fucking idiot type shit but ik it doesn't justify getting hurt back and i had to really come to terms with that. I had let go of that crazy person in me that would stay up two days straight crying and obsessing over what was and what is and whats happening without me, while drunk or high out of my mind constantly and go through the loneliness, the guilt, the shame, the loss all on my own in a small room with literally no one to talk to and forcing myself to come as close to dying as possible and finally move on from everything aweful in my life ever and do my best to block out every single god aweful image or notion in my head that i would get, causing insecurities and paranoia that i didn't know i was capable of...im really trying to make sense of everything cause everything is so fucking touchy right now but still having to push through and communicate and understand and love with all of my heart and vice versa I think wins every time and i feel life has been showing me that