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#it feels so distant. i feel so distant. I feel so nothing and so bad at the same time
bunny-yan · 1 day
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I feel like “Theodore” would suit the yan!Duke! Just my humble suggestion, I feel like the name holds a certain melancholy to it which is so fitting for his character, sophisticated yet distant. ☺️
TW: power imbalance, suggests noncon, minors DNI
“Theo,” you whispered. 
He felt your hand gently rub his shoulder to wake him, though his eyes were already open. He was pulling you into his arms, eliciting a laugh as you told him to stop. 
He asked you to wake him from the short nap you requested he take since he’d been bent over his desk for the last couple of days, unmoving and looking increasingly exhausted with each passing glance you took as you so happened to pass by his office. 
He was stubborn, but he could never say no if he peered too close into your eyes, into that warm concern that threatened to engulf him, swallow him whole. And he would let it. There would be no struggle for escape, and he’d silently beg that you had no intention of letting him go. 
It was much warmer than he’d thought it be, than he ever imagined when you held him. You shared it with him for years and yet he still experienced it as if it was the first time when your arms would wrap around him, offering peace. 
Comfort. 
It was a better high that possessed greater depths than he could ever hope to achieve. 
“Theo,” you whispered as if you were sharing the greatest secret. 
He loved his name on your lips. 
“I hate to wake you, but it’s time to get up.”
Closing his eyes, he pulled you closer, a strange aching in his chest. 
An uneasy feeling bubbled and grew the more he questioned it. He didn’t want to let you go. 
He wanted his lungs to fill with this warmth, this ecstasy of happiness that would wear off and leave him craving more. 
No. 
He didn’t want to get up. He didn’t want to. He didn’t want to. He didn’t want to. He didn’t want-
“Theo?”
“Duke Theodore.” that familiar voice said. 
Cold and harsh, it raked across his skin as his eyes snapped open. They drifted from the ceiling to where you were standing, body rigid and tight at the end of the bed to the two of you shared. 
Or, used to. 
You hadn’t stepped foot in this room since his King brother visited. 
It was as if your positions switched. 
The days you used to try and convince him to quit his work early, the two of you would cocoon yourselves in these sheets, knowing nothing was more significant than those moments. The two of you would talk or sit in silence, simply enjoying the comfort of each other’s company. 
Most nights his lips would find yours, drinking in your laughter and pulling you closer as your smile shifted to something longing, something unfamiliar these days. 
On the nights sleep found you before he did, he’d retreat to his own quarters, not wanting to disturb your rest, the only exception being if he wasn’t able to get a glimpse of you all day. 
Theodore would seek you out as if he was in a drug-induced haze, a heavy feeling in his chest that could only be relieved by your presence, on the really bad nights, by your touch. 
He felt awful when he climbed into bed next to you, wondering if you’d scorn him for pulling you away from wherever you went when you slept. But you alleviated all of his fears when you murmured his pet name, sleep-filled eyes smiling at him. Beckoning him closer, you’d wrap him in your arms and whisper against his skin that you missed him. 
It sent shivers down his spine. 
The gaping cavity in his chest ceased to ache. 
He wasn’t sure if he was still grateful for the love you shared. If he hated you now that you had taken it away, ripped it from him like everything else he’d come to learn was never his. 
He couldn’t deny the devastating hope he felt every time he came to the doors of the bedroom you shared, a hope in and of itself that you’d answer his silent expectation that you’d be on the other side. He’d open the door and greet him with that familiar smile and outstretched arms that he could collapse into. 
But it was empty.
You slept in your personal bedroom. 
Without your express permission, it wasn’t a place he was welcome and he didn’t dare imagine you waiting for him in his own chambers. 
He hated when memories of the younger version of you would surface in his mind. 
Nervous but bright-eyed, somehow, you had bypassed the maids who would’ve explained that you weren’t allowed into his private chambers without a prior appointment. 
Your marriage was arranged and he could only imagine how you felt about being forced into an engagement with a complete stranger. Theodore was content to leave you to your own devices, no stranger to having distance in his relationships, but you sought him out, going so far as to climb into his bed, looking embarrassed as you undressed. 
It was such a pleasant surprise that he made sure to inform the maids not to stop you if you came directly to his chambers and continued in his neglect to inform you of that specific clause in your marriage contract. 
You didn’t know then and you still had no idea of the innocent secret he kept. 
He could enter your room and you would have no idea that he had no right to be there, but he couldn’t bear to see the distaste in your expression as your gaze landed on him. So he only visited at night when he was sure you were asleep. 
Standing on the side of your bed, he longed for the closeness you once shared. He stood so close he could’ve reached out to brush your hand across your cheek, hoping to alleviate whatever caused you to wear such a tortured expression. He felt such urgency to pull you from whatever it was, but his fears won these days. Not wanting to risk your expression worsening when your eyes opened. 
He stood close, not at an uncomfortable distance like you were at now, close enough that he had to physically resist the urge to take your hand in his and squeeze until you won whatever unconscious battle you were fighting. 
Theodore sat up, watching as your folded hands, pressed tighter into your body. He felt like a child, caught with their hands in a cookie jar as you narrowed your eyes on him. Sleeping in this room the two of you were meant to share did little to hide his desires. 
Clearing your throat, you crossed your arms as a comforting gesture, telling yourself that you were fine. Despite having avoided this bedroom like the plague since the night it happened. 
“The maids told me that they had difficulties waking you.”
He thought back to the dream he was pulled away from, mourning the fuzzy edges as it began to fade from his mind. 
It was no wonder. 
“I’ve woken you up, so I’ll be taking my leave now.”
Turning, you continued, “I’d appreciate it if you could give this responsibility to the butler in the future.”
A line meant to further separate you. 
Before he could stop himself, he asked, “When can I expect your presence in this bedroom?”
He watched as your jaw clenched before you turned to face him once you mastered your emotions. 
“If it is up to me, you’ll never have the pleasure of my company again.”
He bit the inside of his cheek, his gaze wavering. 
You frowned. He’d never looked at you like that before. 
“It’s a part of your matrimonial-”
“Duty. You love to remind me.” 
Any guilt you felt disappeared as you considered what he was asking of you. 
You hated this room. 
It took what felt like hours just to work up the courage to walk in. 
You were sleeping, unable to stay awake as you waited for your husband to finish talking with the King. He seemed tense and you wanted to ask him about what was on his mind. 
You’d woken up cold, to the feeling of hands slipping underneath the shirt you were wearing. You blinked the fuzzy haze away murmuring the name you called him, before your heart stuttered in your chest and your blood ran cold at the sight of harsh golden eyes. 
You couldn’t understand why you ever thought they looked alike. 
“You call him Theo? How cute.”
When you could force air into your lungs and you could finally listen to your brain yelling at you to move, you scooted backward, using the blanket as a flimsy shield. 
“Your Highness,” you began, breathless as you struggled to find an appropriate response in this incomprehensible situation. “I apologize if the maids directed you to the wrong bedroom, but your chambers are located on the third floor.”
You didn’t like that smile that remained plastered on his face as he watched you. 
“I’m aware of where my quarters reside.”
Then why was he here? Why was he standing over you while you slept? Why were his hands-
“I’m not sure I understand Your Highness.”
He remained quiet. 
Swallowing to bring moisture back to your throat, you asked, “Does Theodore know you’re here?” 
It was a weak attempt to move the conversation along, but asking after your husband seemed like the best thing to do at the time. 
He smiled, expression bordering malignancy as he answered with two words. Two words you didn’t expect to rattle you as much as they did. 
“He does.”
The King began pulling at the cloth at the edge of his fingers, removing his gloves lazily. 
“From what I understand, this bedroom directly connects to both your private chambers, so I suspect little Theodore has sought refuge in the library on the far side of this manor or outside on the training grounds. I can’t imagine him wanting to be close for this.”
The paired condescension and amusement were almost enough to distract you from your overlying question. 
For what? is what you wanted to ask, but your throat lost its moisture at the sight of the King beginning to undress, quickly painting a picture you were trying not to accept. You’d heard about his promiscuity, with nobles, some of which were married, but not like this. 
“One thing you have to understand about my brother is that despite his acts of bravery or his stone-cold appearance, it is all the bravado of a coward.”
He removed his coat to begin unbuttoning the shirt underneath. The fear that gripped your insides allowed you to find your voice. 
“Your Highness,” you licked your lips, feeling your body seize with alarm, but trying to maintain a modem of calmness so your voice wouldn’t sound so stilted. So alarmed the more exposed his chest became. “I apologize if there is any perceived rudeness in my question, but why are you getting undressed?”
He laughed. 
Slow, grating laughter that made goosebumps appear on your skin. 
“I can’t very well make love fully dressed, can I?”
Your heart sank, but you didn’t dare to comprehend his answer to your foolish question. You were rooted in place. You couldn’t breathe. You couldn’t move. 
His words refused to register in your mind. 
Any moisture you attempted to retain had dried, making any sound you tried to emit, little more than a voiceless whimper. 
This was the King. 
What could you say to refuse? Were you even allowed to? The constant dread was beginning to grow, your heartbeat loud in your ears the more exposed he became. 
Theo. 
Theodore. Where was Theodore? 
There was no way he would be okay with something like this happening. He would say something to defend your honor. The King was his brother. 
But the King said he knew. Was he lying? Were his words a mere falsehood to placate you into silence? It couldn’t be true. 
“Your Highness, please wait a moment,” you said, your voice hitching as the bed dipped from the unfamiliar weight. It snapped you out of your frantic deliberation. “I don’t think this is right. Please allow me to speak to my husband.”
“Be silent.” The King ordered. You were too panicked to hear the strain in his voice. 
Irritation was present on his features as he stripped himself of his shirt and began to reach for yours.
“My word is law. Your feelings matter none in what is about to happen and there is no use seeking out your husband because he has already consented to this arrangement.” 
His words struck a new sense of fear in your heart, but you couldn’t help it as your hands shot to his wrists to prevent him from exposing you any further. 
With narrowed eyes, he said, “I’m not interested in making this a contest of strength. You will lose.”
You looked into his eyes, a lump forming at his gaze that was unashamed in its indifference. 
“If you insist on making this difficult, I am more than willing to pay your Baron father a visit with the Royal Guard.”
The night was a blur after that.
A truly unforgettable experience. 
You weighed the livelihoods of your parents, your younger and older siblings against a crack in your soul, and you still failed to come to an answer that you felt you could live with. 
Somehow, Theodore couldn’t understand this. You didn’t think he ever would as he demanded the same act in the same room regardless of how it made you feel. 
Maybe they were alike after all. 
“If the Duke desires to push this issue then please schedule the appointed time for the end of the month in order to give me enough time to prepare myself.”
He grit his teeth. It was a slap in the face. His hidden pleas for affection were met with professional indifference, that of which he had never experienced before. 
Not from you, at least. 
“I wish-”
The words caught in his throat as your cold eyes met his. 
I want things to go back to how they were. I want you to love me like you used to. I miss the way you used to look at me.
The longer he remained silent, the deeper that emotion that couldn’t quite seen to name became. 
“By your leave,” you said, not wanting to feel inclined to feel sorry for him, knowing the guilt would creep back in if you stayed any longer. 
After another moment of silence, you tried not to make it look as if you were running to get away. 
You didn’t want to picture the regretful longing on his face. 
It gave you yet another reason to never want to set foot in this room again. 
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youronlydarlin · 18 hours
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I know this is like short notice and you basically just posted the loser!simon Drabble but omg I need more. I’ve so far never seen a fic that lets Simon relax while you ride him or something. I’ve seen similar, but if you wouldn’t mind could you make a fic following Simon being super tired, and when he gets home you were a horny mess and then you make him a horny mess but he doesn’t have the energy to jerk it so you help him out. Fem reader please!! I really want him to use the rest of his energy to like play with your tits and then lay down.
Also you’re the only person I tolerate for the !! For smutty stuff. Usually it makes me cringe because it feels so childish. But you do it in a hot way. I think. Idk. I like the energy you put in ur writing if ykwim
warnings: fem! afab! reader, kinda subby Simon??, bro's down bad for you and thinks you're a goddess, relaxed Si :)
Wjahskshsjjs jus' somewhat lazy sex with the good ol' big british man. He's sure comes home tired and late. He has been for the past few days. It hadn't really affect you in a way that disrupted your everyday routine. But lately there's been a craving, an issue brought by your brain to your heart that lately it's been feeling... neglected. It starts as a distant feeling, an untouched part of your body that longs to be noticed. It's like chaising after a mysterious high while blinded, no sense of direction, and no chance of ever finding it. Leaving you feeling lonely and trapped, cold and empty. So, to put it simply. You're pent up. All hot and bothered and way too eager to slip your hands in your pants. Lucky for you though, your night won't end with just self satisfaction, because barging in through the door is your saviour, all tired eyes and gruff groans. Fuck. It's like you've pavlov'd yourself into getting incredibly horny at just the sight of your Si.
He on the other hand, feels like shit. Being away from you is more than enough torture, but having you pounce on him the moment he enters through the door is another new story on itself. He's neglected his baby :( his pretty girl. All quiet whimpers when you kiss him all over the neck "missed you s' much Si". Shit, he's already half chubbing in his pants at just hearing your tone. It's not long before he goes cum brained as well. Thinking with the wrong head and dry humping you in the hallway. You're squealin' n moanin' and oh shit he's going to cum. he's going to cum. he's going to cum. he's going to– You pull away. Now if it was any other day he would've shot you a glare. Maybe even disappointedly shaking his head. "Careful, love, you're playin' with fire.." he would've said, but right now he's red in the face, sweaty and desperate. Rolling his hips into nothing, hoping to get it to rub into you. Simon looks weak and he knows, slightly enjoys the power imbalance between you two because now you've grabbed him by the collar like a dog and dragged him towards the couch.
On his lap not a second later and you two are back to humping at each other through your clothes. He's tired. Limbs so heavy, bones weighed down with fatigue and he feels like he's already dreaming. You're like a wet dream that's come to life. There's just something about the way you look at him that makes it impossible to lay his eyes on anything else. Like a goddess on a thrown. That's how he sees you. Mighty and malevolent, feeling so small in your gaze but drinking it all in like a man parched, nothing can bring you down. Despite this– the tiredness of his bones– he wills his arms to move. To help you take off your top. It's intimate and it has his breath catching in his throat. He's seen you shirtless countless times before, but the thrill, the electrifying sparks it sends up his spine, it always feels new. Panting like a mutt he hasn't even noticed that he's already been let out of his pants, too busy admiring your chest. Reaching his hand out to toy with the soft peak, letting out an accidental whimper at the sudden contact of your hands with his hard cock. You shush him, remind him to relax, you can handle this, you promise with a kiss to the tip of his nose. And just like that he's sinking into the couch. Eyes closed in bliss and a handful of your mounds in his hands.
Heaven on earth. Blooming flowers in the harsh winter. Rain after months of drought. This is peace. This is pleasure. Simon's convinced that there's no earthly power greater than your hands, or your soft kisses. The gentle timbres of your voice. The way your pussy feels so hot and welcoming. So occupied and drunk off of your divinity that he hasn't had the time to prepare himself for your hot walls enveloping all of him inside. It makes his eyes shoot open and his back arch. You don't move, leaning down to put your mouth against his, swallowing every moan and whimper, and rewarding him with a teasing grind. He lays pliant soon enough, groaning at the way you bring yourself up till the tip kisses your entrance, before snapping your hips down to get him back inside. You ride him like you can't live without it. Sweet girl with an equally sweet pussy. He thought you well.
a/n: PHEW, I'm rusty as shits forgive me, I've got other stuff cooking in my drafts I swear I'm not lazy. This was kinda bad, written in two hours cause I sneaked this in between doing my papers. Hope y'all liked this, remember to always drink water n take your meds!!
Yours, truly,
–Dolly
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evermoresversion · 3 days
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so long, london with conrad?
ㅤㅤ♡⃕ ﹙so long, cousins, conrad fisher.﹚
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PAIRING Conrad Fisher x Fem!Reader
TW/TAGS Angst.
SUMMARY Based on So Long, London by Taylor Swift.
SONG So long, London by Taylor Swift.
REQUESTS ARE OPEN | CONRAD'S MASTERLIST | MASTERLIST
You loved Conrad. That was for sure.
You loved his company, you loved the way he made you feel. But you especially loved that he knew every detail about you.
But you were both at a point in the relationship where he didn't seem to know you at all.
"It's nothing, y/n, I promise, I'm just not in the mood." he said.
And all you had to do was stay silent, understand and nod.
You noticed him more and more distant. He didn't answer your calls, he barely sent you a text message confirming that he was still even alive.
But you never said anything about it for fear of losing him.
The one who was still carrying the weight of keeping the relationship going was you, and he didn't even realize that you were falling apart.
But everything has a limit, and you were not going to be the exception.
So you stopped trying to make him laugh when he was with you. You stopped pretending that everything was fine when it was the opposite. You just stopped trying, you stopped trying to force it.
And what pissed you off the most was that he was the one who was outraged.
"No. You can't possibly be telling me this, Conrad." you said under your breath, you swore you were about to tear your hair out in anger.
"I was going through a bad time and what you did was give up, so yes, I'm saying you abandoned the ship, you are as guilty as I am."
"I was going down with the fucking ship and you didn't see it!" you exclaimed without patience. "I was dying for you to give me just one measly moment of your day, for you to call me at least once, but that never happened!" You sighed. "I held on to making this work. There came a point where I didn't even know if you wanted to be with me."
"I did."
You both remained silent. You thinking at full speed, recapitulating everything and he just watched you.
"Did you ever stop to think about how your silence was affecting me?" he didn't answer. "Of course not."
"y/n..."
"No, listen to me." You looked at him and he stayed silent. "You swore you loved me, but where were the clues? I could have died waiting for the proof of your love but it would never have happened."
You took a moment to breathe and stop the tears from coming. You wouldn't give him the pleasure of seeing you cry.
"And what pisses me off the most is that you ruined this place for me. I loved Cousins and now everything will become an empty memory of everything that was and what wasn't."
"So this is the end." Conrad murmured without being able to look at you but you noticed the reddish outline of his eyes due to the threatening tears.
He didn't want to leave you but seeing you so broken because of him, he considered it was the best option.
"Yes, it is." You nodded. "At first what we had was nice, a moment of warm sunshine, but then it started to pour. Bye, Conrad, I'm sure you'll find someone, I wouldn't want it to end like this but I'm not the one." You mumbled and walked out of there.
He watched out the window as you got into your car and disappeared down the street, just as you disappeared from his life.
disclaimer ── evermoresversion © 2024.
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I HAD RANDOM THOUGHT I WANT YOU TO EXPAND ON!! This came outta nowhere but won’t leave: imagine if you somehow casually made a joke about babies/ pregnancy (or just mentioned it for some reason) and Tan laughs and jokes it off like it’s nothing and then carries on, and you’re just so suddenly hurt by it?? And so you’re either snapping at him, leaving the room or harshly moving away from him/ not wanting to touch him anymore?? And you’re both confused and you’re hurt and he’s like “oh SHIT FUCK I GOTTA FIX THIS” idk how much sense this is making but YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN (and that’s how you finally admit to Tan that you’ve been having baby fever, ahhhhh!!)
ME?? YAY I FEEL SO SPECIAL. did this on my phone, so apologies for bad punctuation. also your argument one is in my drafts xx
TANGERINE NOT REACTING WELL TO YOUR COMMENT ABOUT FUTURE BABIES.
omg?!? like you’ve been wanting to integrate it into convos but you don’t wanna scare him. so yes like mentioned, you point out something cute and baby related. maybe you’re at the shop, and you walk around the clothing section and ‘happen’ to stumble upon the baby section
you’d point out how cute and tiny the little baby clothes are, and how you can’t wait to buy some?? or how you can’t imagine holding something so small. and he’s like “bit of a long way off” and laughs (but not in a patronising way, like a nervous, awkward laugh) and he’s moving the trolley to get out of the section (bc gotta get lots of stuff and doesn’t want to be wasting time??) and you don’t know what to say, and it kinda feels like a gut punch. bc that’s how he feels, and you feel the opposite
so you go quiet for the rest of the time in the shop and in the car you’re quiet. AND to make it extra angsty you have your knees tilted towards the door! tan asks if you’re okay, and what’s the matter etcetc. you say how it’s nothing. you feel hurt but you don’t want him to know, maybe you feel silly for being so upset about a small throw away comment
AND YES LIKE MENTIONED you avoid him a little bit and there’s a bit of friction bc you’re being distant and snappy and moody??
and you’re confused why you feel so hurt about the comment. and he’s also confused by your sudden coldness towards him
and he’s trying to rack his brain to figure out why you’re so upset and what’s got you feeling that way. but he comes up empty. so then he retraces steps to the moment you went off on him. and then he realises his little comment at the shop may have set you off
so he kinda corners you bc he wants you to talk to him without you walking off or shutting him down. and he’s like “you’re upset about how I reacted to that baby comment, right?”
and you take a few moments and then nod
he’s like “and you’ve been off with me because you want a baby, and what I said wasn’t what you wanted to hear?” he’s got you all figured out
edit —
and bc he’s a communication king, he wants to patch things over and he’s like “I thought you were playing around. I didn’t know that’s how you really felt” and he says how in the past when you’ve mentioned baby fever, they’ve always been really passing lighthearted comments. so he thought it was the same again
and so you say how you’ve had baby fever, and it’s been a lot different to all the other times. it’s lasted longer and been more intense etc
so he’s like “would you like a baby?” and he’s trying to get to the point but in a gentle reassuring way. like he’s trying to solve the problem
so you say something like “yes. but the timing is not right and if you don’t then neither do I”
and he’s a cutie and he says something about how he’ll make time or that there’s never a right or wrong time etc blah blah. or he wants a baby if you’re the mother
OHHHMYGODD MAYBE!!?? the reason you’ve been even more upset about it is bc you already found out that you are pregnant!??? but haven’t told him yet!!!???!!! so you’re even more upset that he seemed to be against it. but maybe the hormones scrambled your brain so you felt like his comment was that of betrayal
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2millu2 · 1 day
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Roommates || Choso Kamo
Warning +18
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✵ ft. Roommate Choso x f.reader
✰༄ wc: 3k
༻ warning: smut, p in v, porn with plot, oral (female receiving), cúnnilingus, marking, rough, Choso’s a bit mean in bed, pet names, swearing, hard dom Choso.
ఌ Summary: your roommate is acting weird you keep hearing noises at night so you decided to comfort him about it
As you lay in bed at night, trying to fall asleep, you hear faint sounds coming from the other side of the room divider that separates you both. It's a muffled moan, slightly distorted, probably from Choso. You listen, unable to help it. You wonder what could be going on.
After all, Choso is known to keep to himself, rarely interacting with anyone. Maybe he's sick? Or maybe he's just having a bad dream. You don't want to disturb him, though; it wouldn't be right. So, you try to ignore it and concentrate on your breathing, hoping that the sounds will stop soon.
The next day, Choso barely acknowledges your presence. He seems to be in a daze, almost like he's lost in thought. You can't help but feel concerned for him. You decide to talk to him later and see if there's anything you can do to help, perhaps see if he's okay.
In class, Choso sits in the back, alone, staring blankly at the whiteboard. His eyes seem hollow, as if they're empty. He doesn't participate or answer questions during lectures. You wonder what could be going on in his head.
After class, you approach him and ask if everything's alright. He looks at you, surprised that you came to talk to him.
"You heard me last night, didn't you?" he asks, looking down. "I'm sorry if I kept you awake."
"It's alright," you say softly. "Is everything okay?"
He hesitates before replying, "Just... thoughts. It's nothing to worry about." He stands up abruptly and walks away, leaving you confused and worried.
You watch Choso walk away, feeling a mix of concern and curiosity. Something isn't right, and you want to help him, but he seems determined to push you away. You make a mental note to check on him later, maybe bring some food over or something.
Days go by, and Choso continues to act distant and withdrawn. You try talking to him again, but he brushes off your concerns, telling you that he's fine. It's clear that he's hiding something, but you don't want to pry too much.
One night, as you're lying in bed, you hear the same muffled moans again. This time, however, they sound different. More intense, like he's in distress. You decide to knock on the dividing wall between your spaces.
"Choso? Are you alright?" you ask, concern lacing your voice.
There's a pause before he responds, his voice hoarse and strained. "Go back to sleep, Y/N. I'm fine."
But you can tell he's not fine. You decide to push the divider aside and step into his space, revealing his partially undressed form. He's lying on his bed, sweating and panting, with a flushed face and wild eyes. His shirt tossed on the floor, and he's clutching his blanket tightly.
Your heart races as you take in the sight before you. Choso's eyes flicker open, meeting yours for a split second before darting away, embarrassment washing over his face.
"Y/N..." he whispers, looking anywhere but at you. "Please, don't... don't look."
You swallow hard, feeling a wave of embarrassment and confusion wash over you.
"What's wrong?" you ask gently, stepping closer to him. "Are you okay?"
He shakes his head, still not meeting your gaze. "I... I can't control these thoughts. They consume me, and I can't stop them. Please, just leave me alone."
You kneel down next to him, placing a hand on his arm. He flinches slightly but doesn't pull away.
"You can talk to me," you say softly. "If something's bothering you, we can figure it out together."
He swallows, his Adam's apple bobbing as he fights to keep his composure. After a few moments, he finally looks at you, his eyes pleading.
"I... I've been having these thoughts about you," he admits, his voice barely above a whisper. "They're wrong, and I don't want them, but I can't shake them. I'm sorry."
His uncovered the blanket showing his hard cock straining in his pants
A fire ignites in your belly as you realize what he's saying. Your cheeks flush, and you feel yourself getting wet. You can't help but reach out and brush a strand of hair away from his face.
"It's alright," you murmur, leaning in close. "I understand."
His eyes widen slightly at your words, and he swallows again, looking even more nervous than before.
"I want you, Y/N," he says, his voice shaky. "I want to touch you, taste you... fuck you."
You lick your lips, your heart pounding in your chest. You've always found Choso attractive, but never thought he'd be interested in you. Now that he's confessing his desires, you can't help but feel turned on.
You lean in closer, your breath brushing against his cheek. "Tell me more, Choso." Your voice is low and sultry, matching his confession.
He swallows hard, his Adam's apple bobbing visibly. "I... I want to eat your pussy. Lick every inch of it until you're dripping wet. Then, I want to fuck you hard, making you scream my name." His eyes are locked onto yours, full of raw desire and need.
A shiver runs down your spine at his words. You can feel your core pulsing with arousal, your need growing stronger with each passing moment. Without thinking, you reach out and cup his face, pulling him closer until our lips meet.
The kiss is passionate and hungry, filled with all the emotions you’ve been holding back. Your tongues dance together, exploring and tasting each other as your hands roam freely over each other's bodies. You can feel his erection pressing against your thigh, and you can't help but grind against it, seeking friction and relief.
When you both break away, you were both breathless and flushed. Choso's eyes are half-closed, his pupils dilated with lust.
"Take off your clothes, Y/N," he growls, his voice hoarse. "Let me see every inch of your beautiful body."
Without hesitation, you start unbuttoning your shirt, revealing your lacy bra underneath. As it falls to the ground, you step out of your jeans and panties, standing before him naked and vulnerable.
Choso's eyes widen at the sight of your body, his gaze traveling down your curves and settling between your legs. He licks his lips, hunger shining in his eyes.
"Lie down," he orders softly, his voice thick with desire.
You obey, spreading your legs slightly as you settle onto the mattress. Choso crawls between them, his hands tracing up your thighs until they rest on your hips. He leans forward, capturing one of your nipples between his teeth and sucking gently. You gasp at the sensation, your arousal intensifying.
As he switches to the other breast, he slides a finger down your abdomen, teasing your clit through your folds. You moan loudly, arching into him.
"So wet for me, Y/N," he murmurs against your skin, his breath warm and moist. "I've never seen anything more beautiful."
He dives back into your breasts, alternating between biting and licking, his fingers continuing to tease your damp entrance. You squirm beneath him, desperate for more contact, more sensation.
Slowly, he removes his own clothes, revealing his erection standing tall and proud. You swallow hard, a sense of anticipation filling you.
"Turn over," he commands, his voice gruff.
You obey without question, feeling him position himself behind you. He spreads your cheeks apart, running his nose along your pussy taking in your scent essence before his wet tongue runs along your wet folds making you jump slightly.
"You smell so good, Y/N," he purrs, licking at you again. His tongue darts inside your tight entrance, making you gasp and squirm on the bed. "So sweet, so perfect."
You can feel his tongue flickering inside you, probing and exploring your sweet spot. He sucks lightly on your clit, sending waves of pleasure coursing through your entire body. Your fingers dig into the sheets as you try to hold on tight, not wanting to lose myself in his expert touch.
"Choso,"you whimper, "please, I need more."
He chuckles darkly, pulling away from me. "Not yet, Y/N. I want to taste all of you."
You feel his hands gripping your hips, positioning you perfectly for his mouth. He dives back in, his tongue sliding deep inside you with practiced ease. You can feel him licking and sucking, making you writhe and moan.
He reaches around and starts playing with your clit, his fingers sending sparks of electricity throughout your body. Your moans become louder, begging for release, but he won't give it to you yet. He's toying with you, making you squirm and beg for his touch.
"Please, Choso," you plead, "I need you inside me."
He stops suddenly, making me whine in protest. Your body is aching for him, desperate for his cock to fill you up. He stands up, adjusting himself and straddling between your legs.
"Spread them wider," he commands, his voice rough and demanding.
Your body responds without thought, your legs opening wide for him. He lines up with your entrance and thrusts in with one swift motion, making you cry out in surprise and pleasure.
"y—yesss,!" You exclaim, feeling him stretching you open, filling you completely.
He pulls out almost immediately, making you whine in protest. He slams back into
you, making you bounce on the bed. His cock feels so good, hitting every sensitive spot inside you perfectly.
"That's it, Y/N," he growls, thrusting harder and faster. "Take it, baby. Take my cock."
You moan loudly, your body screaming for more. His words fuel your desire, making you even wetter and needier. He pounds into you relentlessly, touching places inside you that no one else has reached before.
",yes, Choso!" You shout, grabbing onto the sheets for support. "Cum inside me! Cum in my pussy!"
He growls in response, thrusting deeper and faster. His hands grip your hips tightly, pulling you closer to him with each thrust.
"Yes, fuck, yes!" You scream, feeling your orgasm building rapidly. "I'm gonna cum, Choso! I'm gonna cum!"
His pace quickens, matching the urgency of your cries. You can feel your orgasm building, ready to explode at any moment. His cock throbs inside you, pulsing with each thrust.
"Come for me, Kayla," he growls, his voice harsh and demanding. "Let go."
You arch my back, your orgasm washing over you like a tidal wave. Your body convulses around his cock, milking him as he pumps faster and harder.
"Don’t stop!" You shout, your voice hoarse from screaming. "I'm cumming, Choso! I'm cumming!"
He groans, his thrusts becoming erratic. His fingers dig into your hips, holding you tight as he releases inside you. His hot cum fills you up, making you shiver with pleasure.
He collapses on top of you, our bodies slick with sweat and cum. You wrap your arms around him, holding onto him tightly.
"You taste so good, Y/N," he whispers, nuzzling my neck. "So sweet and delicious."
You smile, basking in the afterglow of our lovemaking. His words make you feel desired and wanted, like nothing else matters except for this moment.
"Thank you, Choso," you murmur, stroking his hair. "That was amazing."
He chuckles, kissing my neck gently. "You're welcome, baby. Now it's time to clean up."
I blush, realizing we've made quite a mess on the bed. He helps you up, guiding you towards the bathroom. As we clean up, he tells you about how much he likes you and was too nervous to tell you. His voice is soft and soothing, making you feel safe and protected.
We return to the bedroom, snuggling under the covers.
"Goodnight,," he says, his arm wrapped around you.
"Goodnight, Choso," you reply, feeling content and fulfilled.
We drift off to sleep, our hearts beating in sync as we share this small room together
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saylor-twift · 2 days
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hello i’m back from the dead, here’s a little something of reader being delusional in honor of tortured poets department. how could i not, i’m literally saylor twift.
Down Bad▶︎ •၊၊||၊|။||||။‌‌‌‌‌၊|• 4:20
word count: 1859
“Playing it cool” is quite possibly one of the stupidest pieces of advice anyone could ever give. It’s practically human nature for people to do the exact opposite of what they’re told, no matter how much they don’t want to. It’s much more appealing to adhere to the phrase, “If you want something done right, you’ve got to do it yourself”, and as someone as independent and stubborn as you were, it was all too easy to tune out what anyone else had to say about your situation. Were you making any progress? Of course not. But for the time being, you were perfectly content to simply admire your muse from a view. (Not really, it was difficult as hell. But that’s really all he’d allow from you.)
There was one question though that plagued your mind: why then, if you’d been able to manage conversations with him just fine in the past like any two friends would, was it so difficult to even walk past him now that your true feelings had been realized? Shouldn’t you have some sort of advantage, having known him for so long? And to make matters worse, recently it had been feeling like the two of you were complete strangers. It truly felt as if he was avoiding you like the plague- it was a miracle if you were able to even spot him from a distance strolling down Treasures Street. If you happened to make eye contact, it would make your face burn and your stomach tingle with butterflies to an almost embarrassing extent. You kept telling yourself that next time you saw him, you’d talk to him. The plan was that if you could slowly bring yourself closer and closer to him, you’d be able to experience the slow burn romance of your dreams!
Unfortunately though, as well as unsurprisingly, every time there was a ‘next time’, you felt yourself too afraid to make any sort of attempt at conversation. You had begun to worry that you’d possibly done something wrong, because he was giving you the impression that he wanted nothing to do with you. Quickened steps when he saw you approaching, or a nasty habit of breaking eye contact the second it was created were just a few of the new behaviors you’d noticed. Is it possible, then, that he’d caught on to your feelings, and is avoiding a confession at all costs? No, that can’t be it. You hadn’t done anything that would warrant any sort of suspicion from him. (Outwardly, at least. Your daydreams reminiscent of those of a crush-stricken middle schooler would say otherwise.) In any case, it was getting harder and harder to stay optimistic when with every passing day the two of you grew more distant.
One day, you keep telling yourself, you’d have the courage to make a move on the cold, sarcastic, and unapproachable young man. After all, you were convinced the two of you were destined to be together. It was just a matter of time before it happened, right?
Until suddenly you were struck painfully in the face with a harsh reality check. You watch him exit the large wooden doors of the Akedimiya, as he usually does at this time of day. You’d decided to wait for him, in hopes you’d be able to gather your courage and greet him. And then maybe, he’d continue the conversation, just like old times. You stood outside, meanwhile leaning up against one of the large stone pillars and nervously anticipating his arrival. He’s uncharacteristically late today. Usually, he’s the type to remain in his classes for absolutely no longer than what is necessary. You can’t help but wonder if you’ve somehow got the time wrong, or maybe his schedule. Today was Friday, right? You were certain his lectures ended at exactly this time every Friday. (You absolutely did not have his entire class schedule memorized, what kind of an obsessed weirdo would do that?) After an agonizing amount of time later, awaiting his arrival with bated breath and nearly on the verge of chickening out and returning home where your nerves wouldn’t be attacking you every waking moment, the wooden doors swing open. And lo and behold, there he is: your beloved Hat Guy. Only… he’s not alone?
Walking side by side, the Wanderer strolls out into the sunshine next to a lovely looking brown haired girl, also adorning the typical Akedimiya attire. She yaps on about something to him, all the while with a large grin on her face. One that you cannot deny is a beautiful smile. But the strangest part is, he doesn’t seem to be ticked off by her presence in the slightest. If anything, you swore you could see the slightest hint of a smile tug at his lips. (However, if you could read his mind, you’d find that he was actually imagining what it would be like if he could make her explode solely using the powers of his mind. That’s how bugged he was. But alas, your delusions always seem to get the best of you.)
Why on Teyvat was this random girl from the Akedimiya able to hold casual conversation with him, of all people? Seriously, her and not you? You’re the one who knows everything about him, you’re the one who’s seen him at his worst, the one who knows his past, and everything he’s become because of it. All of this and yet, you still can’t bring yourself to just fucking talk to him anymore.
You’re so in love with him it physically hurts. The feeling wraps itself around your very heart, beating frantically, with searing hot metal wires and won’t let it breathe for even a second. What’s the reason? You’re not even sure. He’s an asshole. He’s a loner. He’s a Harbinger. You pause, realizing the path your thoughts have taken. Was a Harbinger, actually.
Oh yeah.
That’s why you love him.
Because he’s changed. Despite his pain and sorrows, despite all of the betrayals and all of those people he’s hurt in turn, that’s not who he is anymore. It’s not who he wants to be. You can see it in the way he smiles when he doesn’t think anyone’s watching. And not the sadistic little smirk he usually shows, no, but a genuine smile that rests upon his lips as he watches the children laugh and chase after each other along the streets during midday. And oh, how you wish he’d smile at you like that! But here you are, witnessing him as he gives that very same smile to the beautiful brunette Akademiya girl at his side. (He absolutely was not smiling.)
But you suppose it does make a bit of sense, doesn’t it? He couldn’t possibly have any interest in you, you who’s certain to hate him for everything he’s done. You, who’s seen what he was like at his utmost vulnerable. He couldn’t love someone who could use that to their advantage. He wants a fresh start, doesn’t he? And wouldn’t that include meeting brand new people who only know him for the self he presents for them, and not the bloodthirsty, heart-stricken puppet of the past? What if, what if it truly wasn’t meant to be? What if despite all the love you harbored, even if it was so much it was spilling out the cracks of your very soul, he wouldn’t be able to notice? What if his own heart was breaking out of its protective shell and reaching out to someone new? What if that someone new was the girl currently at his side right now? (Oh boy, calm down, will you? You’re getting ahead of yourself here. You don’t even have any idea what they’re talking about.)
Watching them walk together, you just can’t bring yourself to walk up to him anymore. All of that previously collected, albeit false confidence, vanished in an instant. And so, with a confused, dazed, and lovesick heart, you turn around and walk away in the opposite direction. You were so certain he could be the one. What if you truly couldn’t have him? You supposed, for a moment, it would be the same thing as death. There wouldn’t be much of a difference, would there?. That’s where you catch yourself. A bit much, isn’t it? Not death, you reason, but definitely something very painful. What happened to the composure you usually held? All down the drain now, it seems. Your eyes well up in tears, even though a part of you knows you shouldn’t be reacting this way. The sun blazes against your shoulders, almost mockingly, against your delusional, lovesick, and oh so very down bad self, as you make your way down the paved steps from the Akademiya.
——————————————————————
“A partner project? You can’t be serious. Please, remind me, how would putting me in this situation be beneficial to either of us?” Asks a very vexed Wanderer, standing before the god of wisdom herself in the middle of the Sanctuary of Surasthana, only a few hours prior.
“I hardly see you interacting with other people. Aside from me, of course! I truly believe that expanding your horizons to new relationships could help you to open your mind! Don’t tell me you really have no interest in making friends?” Nahida chirps, hopping down from her platform. A swing made from vines of dendro energy, dissipates into the air at her absence.
“I fail to see how writing an argumentative essay alongside another person is a friendship-making strategy.” He retorts back, crossing his arms.
“How can you know if you never try? I’m not saying you have to be lifelong friends with your partner, but you should get to know your peers. Nearly the entirety of the Akademiya is dying to get to know you!”
“Just because I’ve acquired a group of crazed fans does not mean I have to entertain them. And especially not because you think I need friends.” That last word lingers on his tongue. Friends. Speaking of, didn’t you once say you considered him a friend? Despite his words, the thought doesn’t make him as sick as he thought it would. Not really sick at all, actually.
“Won’t you try it, just once? If not for you, then for me?” She pleads. How odd to have a god ask you for something, he thinks. Although, considering his relationship to Nahida, it’s really not all that strange.
“If I say yes, will you leave me alone?”
“Sure, if that’s what you want.” She replies, giggling proudly.
And so, with a huff and a sigh of indignation, Wanderer agrees with much trepidation to go along with Nahida’s odd little plan of a partner project. So long as he gets it over with quickly, it can’t be too bad. And maybe if he finishes in time, he’ll be able to see you again. It has been quite some time. And although he tells himself he doesn’t really want to see you, he’s beginning to realize that statement probably isn’t true.
Just a little bit.
Definitely not.
You’ll figure it out one day, just wait and see.
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6rookie-writer0110 · 2 days
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The night when these stars sigh
Joel Miller x Male Reader
Request - pedro pascal characters but if u do i was wondering if i could request a male reader x the mandalorian or joel miller (up to you) that’s based on the song open arms (solo version) by sza. the request wouldn’t be a song fic it would just be the story the song is telling.
if u follow the song exactly it’s mostly angsty but u can do whatever u want with the request, fluff, smut, etc. i don’t mind. thank u any way 🫶
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You and Joel started dating three years ago, and you and Joel fell for each other fast. You never had strong feelings for anyone before and you opened up to him and told stuff about yourself that you never told anyone. Joel did open up to you and he felt happy when you were next to him. You and Joel always spend time together, learning everything about each other then you and Joel say those three words to each other.
You and Joel went to the cabin in the woods for the weekend. But you notice he is acting strange again, but you ignore the signs because you are in love. He isn't affectionate like before, but you figured he was having an off day. You sit next to him and hold his hand but seconds later he gets up and moves and you don't say anything. You watch him go outside towards the lake. Joel wanted to say something but hesitated to tell you. He doesn't know how to start the conversation and he just becomes more distant.
Hours later, Joel did notice you stopped being affectionate with him.
“Whatever is bothering you, you can talk to me about it,” You said.
“Nothing is bothering me, Y/N,” Joel said.
“Joel, I know when you are lying but okay we won't talk about it,” You said.
You and Joel know each other very well. During dinner, you and Joel didn't say a word to each other. You went to bed early but he didn't sleep next to you, he fell asleep in the living room.
———-
The next day, you and Joel started to have a good time by the lake. But you didn't mention yesterday because you didn’t want to ruin the moment. Joel kissed you on the lips then you and Joel went into the water.
“Are you having a good time?” Joel asked.
“Yeah, I’m having fun today. What about you? I thought you weren't going to get in the water” You said.
“I changed my mind, Y/N,” Joel said.
“Yeah,” You said.
Later, you and Joel sat on the dock to watch the lake. You wanted to hold his hand but he moved it away and you didn't say anything. Joel feels bad for moving his hand away but he had to do it, he noticed you are acting different around him but he doesn't blame you.
While walking back to the cabin, Joel doesn't walk next to you. He is walking in front of you and you sigh, the good time went away. While at the cabin, you tried to kiss him but he moved away.
“Joel, what is wrong with you?” You asked.
“Y/N, I-”
“Tell me the truth, Joel! You are different around me, why” You said.
“Y/N, we can't be together anymore. You should be with someone else, this won't work between us” Joel said.
“Are you fucking serious? Why did you make me open up to you? Or why say I love you!?” You said.
“I’m sorry, Y/N but this has to end between us. You deserve to be happy with someone else” Joel said.
“We have been together for three years going on four. If you didn't want this then why you didn't leave me alone from the beginning. You knew that I been hurt before in the past. Out of all the people in the world, i didn't expect you to hurt me, Joel Miller” You said.
You are doing everything to hold back your tears, but he did notice your tears. His eyes are watery and he does care about you.
“I thought I could make you happy and give you what you wanted but I can't. I’m sorry for hurting you, Y/N I’m really sorry. But we don't belong together” Joel said.
“Screw you. I fell in love with you but now I see that you never truly loved me. I’m so stupid to actually think someone would truly love me” You said.
“You deserve to be loved -”
“Save it! Don’t give me that fucking speech, how I deserve to be loved. I gave everything of myself to you. And you do this to me after three fucking years!” You yelled.
“Y/N… I’m sorry. I don't want to lose you, I still want you in my life. I want to be your friend” Joel said.
“Go to hell, Joel. I have enough friends” You cried.
You walk away and he doesn't go after you. He heard the bedroom door slam hard and you sat on the bed and cried. Joel sits on the chair and wipes the tears away.
An hour later, you packed your clothes. You take out your cell phone and block his phone number. You struggled to delete every picture of you and him together, but you did it. You sighed and you tried to hold back your tears again. You grab all your clothes and put them in the duffle bag, now you hate yourself for falling in love and opening up to someone. It was your first time falling in love and opening up to someone.
You left through the back door in the kitchen. Joel didn't notice that you left and you didn't bother to say goodbye. You walked towards the highway and a stranger gave you a ride to the bus station. Joel gets and heads upstairs and he doesn't see you. He started to look for by the lake then back to the cabin and he cried again. Now he knows that he lost you forever and you would never forgive him.
✯ ✫ ✯ ✫
Joel hasn't seen you since that day at the cabin. He did search for you but he had no luck finding you. He just wants to make sure you are okay and he felt sad when you blocked his phone number. You and Joel don't have the same friends and he went to your apartment, but the landlord told him that you moved away. But he started to panic because there was a post-outbreak virus in town and everywhere else. He is hoping that you are safe and he starts to wish, that he could contact you.
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ughmyreality · 3 days
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I just have to complain. Penelope Featherington and Colin Bridgerton get on my last nerves and I'm tired of acting like they don't.
At this point, Penelope is the center stage of everything. Not just season 3 but the others as well. Not only is she (supposably) friends with Eloise, and she's Lady Whistledown but also a love interest. When does it end? Please don't say it's because they wanted to "flesh out her character" or make her "dimensional" because it wouldn't be an issue if she was in fact meant to be the main focal point. She's not, however, and despite what it sometimes appears, the show is "Bridgerton."
She reminds me of Ani from 13 reasons why. Mostly due to the fact that despite all these relevant main characters, all the time is being focused on her. Well, that and the victim card.
But even if I were to give her some grace, we're supposed to ignore the fact the "man of her dreams" nearly married her cousin?!?! That's bizarre to me. Throughout this whole time, Colin has never shown any interest in her besides platonic dancing. He rarely interacts with her and, in fact, is known to travel all the time. Sure, he writes her letters, but that's all they are, simple letters. Ones of which she later acts like she doesn't even appreciate.
(Also, that clip of season 3 of Colin telling her he missed her... ok, and? How do we go from "and the object of all my desires" to this? Ugh, then Penelope saying his eyes are a remarkable shade of blue but shine even brighter when he's kind. Girl! Clearly, he isn't kind enough because all she ever does is complain about the fact that he doesn't like her! Besides, what sort of a line is that. She's an author. An AUTHOR, and she's going to show it by saying a basic line.)
When exactly are these feelings manifesting? Yet again, I'd like to reiterate that this isn't necessarily a problem because people can just meet and quickly fall in love. My problem with Colin and Penelope lies in the fact that
A. Penelope likes Colin a little too much, more than he has ever reciprocated.
B. Colin seems like an opportunist. He doesn't particularly like her he just rather have her for himself, but the moment he finds someone else, he's off to the next. He bounces from seeing her as his sisters friend to love interest consistently.
C. Penelope is so quick to abandon anything that doesn't suit her narrative: Marina and Eloise. She can run a whole gossip column trash talking Colin and his family, but somehow, she expects to be miraculously forgiven and exempt from any backlash. The only reason she was ever able to get into such close proximity to Colin is because of Eloise, but she has no problem acting like Eloise is the one in the wrong.
D. Most importantly, there is nothing wrong with platonic relationships. The two of them still get on my nerves, but I can admit, it is much less so when they don't interact or talk about each other. They work better as distant friends. If anything, I think Penelope has a better chance with someone like Benedict.
E. Personal Ick (I realize this might be very irrational) I don't like major height difference relationships. It gives me bad vibe because I feel like one party in the relationship is always going to be somewhat infantilized.
It's one thing to say she has a physical attraction to him and another to say she has a full-out crush. Even if she does truly like him, does she "truly" like him? She's had this crush for so long that I don't think she likes the real Colin but the idealized version she's created.
Subtle Eloise Appreciation: And to top it off, why are people acting as though Eloise is the ONLY one looking for Lady Whistledown. Out of all the people, there is such a great likelihood that others are investigating as well. Even the queen wants to know who she is, but people fail to mention that!
On a side note, I'm over the narrative that I should feel sorry for Penelope because of her family's financial hardships. Is that unfortunate? Yes, most definitely, but what does that have to do with the way she treats people?
But, I suppose at the end of the day, it's not that deep. I just wanted to express myself with, hopefully, like-minded individuals. If you love Penelope and Colin, great. I, on the other hand, do not.
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bitimdrake · 2 years
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the thing about Dick and Tim in relation to Bruce that I am constantly spinning around and around in my head is like
if they’re talking about Bruce, Dick will be the first one to be like ‘bruce is an asshole he’s being terrible fuck him you don’t need him’ while Tim will be like ‘no you gotta give him a chance he’s just struggling and it’s our job to be there for him’
but if something actually Happens, then Tim will be the one like ‘we have to sincerely consider the possibility that bruce may be a murderer while i hold him at arm’s length’ while Dick is already trying to die for Bruce without a second’s hesitation and won’t lose loyalty in a million years
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taikanyohou · 1 year
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“You didn’t say you feel bad about it. So, that means you feel good about it, doesn’t it?” BETWEEN US (2022) - Episode 2.
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samuraisharkie · 3 months
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*homer simpson voice* Marge I think I have brain damage
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tamagotchikgs · 6 days
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i try my best not to think of it and i havent in years but the fact the only people who were ever supposed to be my friends irl would always dump their love on me and then to leave me & say they dont like me over and over and over again only so they could watch my reaction n make fun of me together maybe did affect me huh
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#i am normal i am not affected ii do not see ◡_◡#[distant sounds of me crying & screaming && gasping for air &&& ripping myself to shreds like a bear]#i was always an autistic lil freak who didnt speak so i guess i shouldnt be surprised#but like. i always just wanted them to like me#i always just wanted the chance to like them back and let be allowed. always just wanted someone to be pals with. someone i could trust to#have my back for once vs everything else#i remember such a specific moment right#and we were going on a roadtrip w her and one i already had#and they ended up talking before we left#the worst part is i had to keep seeing them. i had to just keep reliving the humiliation over n over again n it got so deep in me#& the og one had a plan that we would sit together in the back n n we had like. tons of stuff brought we could do n snacks n all this#n then at the very last second literally as i had just sat down she was like . actually. i dont want you back here. i want her she's way be#better#and i remember so specifically she was like. LOL look at ur face..........#and so i had to sit up front alone w nothing to do the entire ride but listen to them make fun of me for it#i feel like it would be better if they had left it at that but then they always came back n treated me so sweetly so i was like . ok i have#a chance#maybe they do like me#like the same girl went on to share cookies she had bought w me and we sat on the lawn for hours hanging out n eating them#and then she did it again#and again#but i was so alone in the world otherwise that i stayed#for years n years#my therapist always talks about how because of how long ive had anxiety means itll take either equally as long or longer to recover#and all i can think ab is how i lived with everything horrible at home#always just wanting to escape#to living through bad things outside of it too#just piling on top#from 6-16#and i kept going back
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avatar-of-the-web · 3 months
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People's "get off the internet" advisory would be funny if it weren't sad.
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alasy · 9 months
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advices are welcome because i ✨dont know anything anymore✨
#this friend of mine is the sweetest#we always got along even though we're very different#in the way that im a very closed off person i dont like social media and i will not reply to texts and its nothing personal its just me#he on the other hand is very talkative. loves showing affection and has like 3 different podcasts and he's friends with literally everyone#long story short he graduated and moved cities it's been 3 months#also i went through a very bad depressive episode and im still crawling out of it#he says im distant and its not because the lack of texts but because there isnt a way to communicate with me#i say im depressed and its disappearing is nothing new and he knows this. that all im asking is time#he says he's anxious and has abandonment issues and that his love language is words of affirmation#i say i was never a person that says much from the beginning and listed all other things ive done and sacrifice myself for him#he says he understands and he feels loved and cared for by me. still his love language is words of affirmation and he needs it#it feels like a demand even though he keeps saying it's not#he says there's nothing wrong with me being an overall absent person and that the problem is with him#his insecurities and words of affirmation is the way out of it#and i dont know what to do anymore#i want someone to tell me im in the wrong and that friends give in for each other#but everyone keeps saying this is not okay and i dont know i understand where he's coming from#i just .... im so tired#'ik you said you dont have energy but do you see where im coming from?' left a bad taste in my mouth#idk my heart is heavy im so exhausted and i wish he had read that damn text i sent him carefully and not rushed to replu#reply*#how can a person respect your boundaries and still cross them and then no it's actually you misunderstanding?#aita#personal
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dreamcast-official · 8 months
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hm.
#eli.txt#i think the reason i feel so shit over The Whole Deal is like. god. i just miss talking to them.#sometimes it felt like they were the only person who cared about what i had to say. they were the easiest person to talk to in my life.#and like. basically overnight. they were so distant for what i thought was no reason. and they did not care about me anymore.#i know they were justified in acting that way and its not like they suddenly hate me and dont care about me but god.#thats what it feels like. thats what it fucking feels like!!!!#i didnt just lose my boyfriend i lost one of my best friends and it fucking sucks. it feels like no one is going to put up with me anymore.#idk i dont feel nearly as comfortable talking to Anyone anymore. because when am i gonna know i made a mistake.#how am i gonna know i made a mistake and they suddenly think i hate them and it leads to something like this. how am i gonna know.#and like!! it looks To Me like their life got so much better without me being an active part of it. and i feel like i have just gotten worse#AND THEY WONT FUCKING TALK TO ME! I KEEP TRYING TO MAKE CONVERSATION AND THEY DONT TALK TO ME! AND LIKE.#I KNOW I FUCKED UP BUT IM FUCKING TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR IT CAN YOU PLEASE JUST LET ME TRY. TALK TO ME. I MISS YOU.#I LOVE YOU. NOT IN THAT SENSE ANYMORE BUT I STILL CARE FOR YOU. YOURE MY FRIEND. FUCKING TALK TO ME.#I KNOW NO AMOUNT OF SAYING IM SORRY CAN FIX IT BUT IM TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR IT. PLEASE JUST DONT IGNORE ME LIKE THAT.#god i just feel like maybe i meant nothing. maybe theyve just already moved on entirely and i was never anything.#maybe im the only one who still hurts. yknow. i dont think they care about me anymore.#which i could fucking deal with if they just said that instead of flat out ignoring me.#god i just feel like shit. what if i keep fucking up the same way what if i lose everyone the same way and in the end im alone.#i would probably deserve it. if i keep messing up this bad maybe i deserve to be alone.#i know thats not true. but i feel really bad right now. im not thinking.#no one is going to put up with me the way they did. they already dont.#god. im so tired. i wish they would fucking talk to me.
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morbid-bvnny · 11 months
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#mentions of su^cide this is a vent post so maybe don’t read#I woke up at 4am from a nightmare and haven’t been able to fall back asleep due to chronic overthinking and stress#it’s always early morning or late at night that my disorder starts fucking with me most#when I have literally no one to turn to#my head is so far under water that I have no idea what to do and it’s fucking tearing me apart#I’ve been struggling financially for about about a year and a half now and it just seems to get worse#no matter what I try to do to make it better#I’ve changed jobs I’ve worked multiple jobs I’ve asked for raises I’ve tried to get as much overtime as possible#but im literally killing myself every day just to barely be scraping by and it fucking so bad#im such a fucking failure in life I can’t do a single thing right and every door I open is a dead end#im starting to think that there’s nothing for me and there’s no place that I fit in#on top of financial stress I am struggling with a chart full of mental illnesses all of which I am unmediated for#you guess it^also financial. I cannot even afford to pay for my meds and I’ve been off them for the year and a half I’ve been struggling#this whole year and a half I made friends and I’ve lost them just as quickly#I literally crave connections with people but I have no idea how to even remotely communicate that to anyone#I can’t make friends I’m as uninteresting as it gets and I’m distant and communicating is a struggle for me#I want friends but I lack the understanding of what helps friendships grow#I feel so alone on a day to day basis it’s depressing and I’m at a point where I feel like I could k^ll myself and nobody would even notice#or care for that matter#I’ve noticed the things that kept me from committing are no longer things that hold me back#rather they’ve turned into reason to go through with it instead and the only thing keeping me alive is not having the means to do it#I think the world will be exactly as it is without me and I’ve made no real difference in anyone’s life for it to even stir up emotion#the world keeps moving#people will say oh that’s so sad when they hear about it#and they will move on as if nothing happened#the burdens I’ve brought on my family will be gone and ultimately they would be much better off without me here#I guess it’s only a matter of time at this point
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