On Hope

Today's meta, brought to you by a tumblr post:

In case of tl;dr or tumblr not opening links, it boils down to: Hope is a skill you work, not something inherent. I'd like to add (as some people in the tags have, that so is optimism and faith). I personally would tag on kindness as well.

All these traits are seen as soft and naive, but to actually use them and nurture them properly, it takes time and an active involvement. You're not just hopeful, especially in these times. You have to work at it, and it's hard. You're not just kind because you are, you have to actively work to be kind, moreso when the world says you shouldn't.

How does this tie to Teen Wolf?

Obviously, it comes down to Scott.

Many, many multiple complaints about Scott being a boring character or a perfect character or an undeveloped character come from the fact that people (incorrectly) believe that Scott has no flaws. Scott's perfect, they say! He's so boring and Neurotypical! (which is another can of worms to open another day)

Perfection is not possible, much less for a teenage character. We have seen Scott fuck up, multiple times, for several different reasons, most coming down to the fact he's an inexperienced teenage boy thrust into a situation he never wanted to be in the first place. He's afraid, he's experiencing things no one could have braced him for, and further affected by the fact that no one explained anything after the fact either.

Despite being actively tormented by several adults (and some teenagers, lookin' at you, Matt and Jackson), Scott doesn't stop being, at his core, kind. He's hopeful! He has HOPE that Jackson can be cured from the Kanima situation in s2, he has HOPE that they can save Stiles from the Nogitsune in s3B.

Out of everyone in Teen Wolf, given the release date and the sentiment surrounding the world when it first came out, I would have not been surprised if Scott had gone from a bright hopeful kid to a cynical, bitter ~adult~, because that was expected. Cynicism was The Thing, the corruption of the innocence of youth or whatever would have fit well, I'm sure, in this niche MTV was trying to carve out.

That's what made Scott so extraordinary, I think. Despite the punches, despite ever reason he had to be bitter and mean and cruel because the world WAS bitter and mean and cruel to him, Scott continued being good. He had hope for people, and gave countless opportunities that would not have been afforded to him by others, because Scott was able to look at things as they were, and hope for something better.

Did he make mistakes along the way? Sure, as a kid then young adult navigating a whole new world that actively wanted him dead, he made mistakes. But even thinking about his choices now, how painfully difficult must it have been for Scott to look at all these people who hurt him, who hurt his friends and his family and his community, and still look for good? To offer kindness to strangers and enemies alike, to ease their pain and give people who were in the same position he was the opportunity to say 'I can't. This isn't for me.'

How many times did Scott have to fight the pain and injustice and anger that would be more than deserved, and swallowed it down because pain and anger and violence are easy! It's an easy reaction and an easy excuse, and likely people (in show) wouldn't have really blamed him because no one ever blamed Stiles for being angry and lashing out because that's what people /do/.

But Scott didn't. He swallowed all of that (a monumental effort on its own) and he returned kindness. He returned hope and optimism and faith that I know he didn't really feel, but what he really felt doesn't affect his actions because his actions speak much louder.

For a teenager with suicidal ideation, who has been constantly beat down by a life he never chose? Scott has tremendous self control, and an enormous capacity for kindness in his heart. It would have been so easy to make him an asshole, we've seen assholes countless of times in media. But strength of character in the face of all that, to say no to the cycle of violence? That is something that is not innate. Scott had to absolutely fight for that every day, and that alone is so endlessly fascinating.

Scott may be boring if all you look at is the surface, but all it says is that you've felt the struggle of being kind in a world that wants you to be cruel.

Hey guys, I got something I’m ready to talk about under the cut. It’s super long! And it’s pretty serious, so feel free to scroll past. It’s also about some serious subject matter regarding transphobia, so if you’re not in a good place and ready to read about something like that, take care of yourself first and foremost. Okay?

Okay.

Hey guys, I’ve been doing a lot of self discovery these last few…. I guess technically my whole life, but I only got serious about focusing and working on it these last few years, and it has to do with my history of transphobia. I want to talk about my journey of growth, and what I’ve done to grow, and maybe it could help anyone else dealing with similar issues.

I was a pretty…. Hateful kid, to put it lightly. I was very angry, VERY angry, and obsessed over all this anger and hatred I had at everyone, but especially at myself. I’ve been in therapy as far back as I can remember, and more meds than I’d like to admit, trying to figure out what was ‘wrong’ with me. Which was a lot, by the way.

Anyway, around 2016, I got really serious about therapy. As a kid I didn’t take it seriously, but by 2016 I knew I needed help. I realized how my anger was ripping me apart, and how deeply it was rooted in hating myself. So, without therapy, and without the tools of therapy, I’d try to alter thoughts as they’d happen. I’d see someone dressed in a way I didn’t like? My thoughts immediately turned to hatred and judgementality. I taught myself to step back, and go, ‘hold on. You don’t know them. That’s a lot to assume about someone you’ve never talked to.’ and it helped curb a lot of my most angry and judgemental thoughts, at least, I thought so. In truth, all it did, was bury the issue, instead of addressing it.

Going into therapy seriously this time as an adult, I started unburying my own trauma, small bit by small bit. I started journaling a lot of it out, and my therapist put it best. Going to therapy is like trying to untangle a ball of paperclips. You might be like ‘ah, I just want to take this one paperclip out’ but it’s attached to so many other things you wouldn’t have guessed, and eventually you just. End up with the whole ball. You go to therapy for one ‘small’ thing, oops, you’re talking about this huge other thing that you never knew was related.

Also at this point, I was pretty serious about my spirituality. I was sick of being so angry and judgemental, I got deep into meditation and learning about compassion, because… well I lacked so much of it for so long. My favorite quote, that helped me grow the most, is “If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete” by Jack Kornfield. Another one I adore, is, “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” attributed to lots of people so I’m not actually sure who the original quoter is. If you watched a lot of my early streams, I was pretty obsessed with kindness and spirituality at that point! Half the time the streams turned into talks about that, lol. Sorry if that was a bit much, I was in a ‘place’ at that time.

After realizing how angry I was, and being so exhausted from it, I swung the opposite way pretty hard. I knew what it felt like to be angry and judgemental, and hurt people because of it. I’ve seen people I was very close to in my life, destroy relationships because of anger. And I was trying so hard to make up for it, to stop being so angry. I didn’t want to hurt people anymore, I didn’t want to hurt myself, and I wanted to be kind and understanding about perspectives I spent so long cutting off. And the therapy helped, a lot! I worked on a lot of deep issues, and my mind, more and more, started being less angry. I also got on meds, because we *finally* figured out what my issue was, and got me on the right medication. At least, once I got over my ‘I don’t need medication’ phase. Which was an absolute blessing.

I thought to myself, ah ha! Look at me, look at all this progress! I’m not angry or judgemental anymore. I’ve opened up so many doors, learned so many new things, I’m okay now, I don’t need any further help.’ With all the progress I had made, I really believed I didn’t need anymore work. The growth I made in just a couple years was astounding, and I wasn’t where I needed to be, but by this point I had the tools I needed to work on things myself. This was what I told myself anyway.

Also around this time, I was making my first close trans friends. And there was this weird, nasty feeling in my head, that I thought I had gotten past. These angry, judgemental thoughts cropped back up again, and they shocked me. I thought I was past this sort of anger, this judgementality. I didn’t want to look at it. I didn’t want to acknowledge it, or look deeper. I didn’t want to think that I could be so mean again, especially after all the work and growth I put in. So, I shoved it away, as hard as I could. I didn’t want to see it, and I didn’t want to think about it.

The problem with trying to shove angry, and judgemental, hateful thoughts away, is they don’t actually go away. They stay, and force themselves out in other ways. They come back as ‘jokes’ or ignorant angry comments. They come out subconsciously, as a defensive reaction. But… I didn’t want to acknowledge that I might be transphobic, or have transphobic thoughts. I didn’t want to be angry. So when I’d ‘joke’, or make a comment, I’d feel ashamed, and try to bury it deeper. And deeper. And it just made it worse. I also used my therapy as a defense mechanism too, without realizing it. “I’m fine now, I’ve gone to therapy, I don’t need any more work, I’m fine!” So. I buried it. I think there’s a pattern here.

After years of therapy, you’d think I’d realize what was going on. I was trying to bury this, the way I tried to bury all my anger for so many years. I knew from experience, that burying the issue does not work, and just makes it so much worse in the long run. But, I didn’t actually realize I was burying it. I was so deep in my own denial, that I couldn’t see it. Because there was a lot of deep shame there, too. I had so many amazing trans friends, and the experiences they had dealt with by this time, JUST for being trans, horrified me. I never, *ever* wanted to be a source of pain for them. But I’d still make comments, or ‘jokes’. Then, I’d feel horrible, crushing guilt, and try to force that bad side of me down even further.

By this point, a good majority of my friend group was either trans, or non binary. I loved them so much, and didn’t want to acknowledge my issues, or the fact that I had thoughts that could hurt them. Eventually, one of my trans friends approached me, and my god, I’m so lucky to have them in my life. But they approached me, telling me “I know you don’t mean to hurt anyone. I think… maybe it’s time to talk to your therapist about this.”

And… they were right. I spent so much time in denial, once they said this to me, it clicked. Yes, I do need to talk to someone. I can’t live like this anymore. If compassion is as important to me as I’ve always said, I need to work on any parts of me that still hold anger. But I was also so terrified, after spending so long trying to avoid it, now I was going to open up to someone? And say whatever my thoughts were out loud? What if I couldn’t be fixed? What if I was destined to be hateful and angry forever, no matter how hard I worked? I didn’t want to hear my own thoughts. I didn’t want to see this awful side of me, after spending so long trying to ‘defeat it’. I didn’t even know how dark it got, and my mind conjured all sorts of nasty ideas of how ‘bad’ of a person I was.

So. I walked into my therapist’s office, and said… out loud. “I think I’m transphobic. And I hate it.” I’ll leave a lot of details out, because it’s pretty personal, but I’ll go over the important things I discovered. After she let me speak for a bit, we turned to my gender identity. She asked me things in detail. I’m a cis woman, so I didn’t think I had any issues with my gender identity, so her questions confused me, but deeper than that, they scared me. There was still something inside of me that wanted to fight back, to protect me from whatever was coming. But I pushed forward.

As we pulled apart the paperclips, and started getting to the root of my true, deeper issue, I started to realize something. See, I’m pretty confident and comfortable in my skin. At least, I believed I was. I told myself, anyway. In a similar vein as I used ‘compassion’ to shove away parts of myself I hated, I used ‘confidence’ to shove away the insecure parts of myself as well. Which, I mean, couldn’t be a more false version of confidence OR compassion if you ask me.

I started to realize that I had a deep insecurity about my own femininity. A deep, crippling insecurity. See, my face and body are pretty androgynous. With long hair, I can look like a girl, but with short hair I can look pretty boyish. I don’t have much of a figure, or a chest, so I can be mistaken for a boy under lots of circumstances. That, combined with the fact that tight clothes are uncomfortable for me, meant overall I looked very unfeminine. And I was bullied a lot for it, growing up. Kids would call me a boy. In highschool, I was made fun of a lot, too. I’d be made fun of for not looking like a ‘girl’. This was only one factor of my bullying at the time, like I mentioned before. I had a lot of pretty severe behavior issues, so it sorta made me a prime target for bullying. I wanted to be viewed as a girl, as a woman. But because my looks didn’t fit enough into their ‘boxes’, I was made fun of. I was laughed at, and I can’t tell you how often people would say things like ‘are you SURE you’re a girl down there?’.

And this was the smoking gun. I finally had the realization I needed. This is hard to write, but. Because I didn’t fit in the mold of what my peers thought a woman was, I felt guilt, and I felt shame. And I shoved it away. And realized… subconsciously, I was doing what was done to me, to my trans friends. To the trans community. And it hurt. It hurt so much, to realize what I was doing. But now it also made so much sense. The guilt, the trying to ‘play it off’, the avoidance, the burying. It was so painful to grow up with those comments, that my mind was trying to shove away and hide me from realizing I was continuing the cycle of pain.

Not only that, but in therapy I learned something else. I’m still working through this, but. I realized as well I have dysphoria, and some mild dysmorphia. The fact that I was perceived so differently then I felt about myself in my adolescence, followed me deeply into adulthood.

I realized that when I would have friends talk about dysmorphia, my defense mechanism would kick in, to avoid me thinking that I might have the same issue. In fact, all my defense mechanisms would kick in, to avoid me from reliving the bullying and the trauma.

And anyone who knows anything about therapy, knows how much this shit hurts. It hurts SO much to open up wounds you’ve tried to hide, to look in and see where the real issue lies. To realize that maybe you haven’t been as kind as you wanted, even if it wasn’t intentional.

But… after the tears, and the pain of reliving this, and ripping open all the doors I was trying to close, to shove away… there was relief. I finally knew what was wrong. And that I knew where to start working. How to start helping myself grow, and be better.

So many things clicked, and my issues with transphobia evaporated. Finally facing it, finally confronting it, and realizing the deeper sides of myself, took away all that power my anger was holding onto. I had to reteach myself that, ‘hey, thanks for trying to protect me, but I’m okay now. You don’t have to protect me anymore.’

I’m still working on my issues with my femininity. After realizing this, I went through my closet and got rid of everything that made me feel ‘unpretty’. I went thrift shopping, and found looser clothes that still made me feel like a girl. I’m slowly growing my hair out, to see if I’m happier with long hair, or happier with short. In truth, I’m rediscovering myself again. It’s easier to look in the mirror.

The defensive reactions went away. The ‘jokes’ disappeared, and I didn’t have to fight to bury anything anymore. And I could be the supportive friend I always deeply wanted to be. To push back at a society that doesn’t like people ever sitting outside specific ‘molds’. To help make a world be safer for anyone who doesn’t align with the mainstream idea of what being a person is. To what being a man, or a woman is. To being whatever a human is.

This has been very long. But. I wanted to go through the entire experience, every step, to show how I worked on myself. And how I grew, from this darker, angrier, unhappy version of myself. And that maybe it could help anyone else who’s had the same experience. I also wanted to go through all of this, to show the steps I’ve made. And to my trans and nonbinary friends? To all the people in the trans community that I may have hurt in the past? I’m sorry. Genuinely, and truly. I never wanted to be another source of pain, especially to trans people, who already experience so much discrimination.

This was a painful experience to go through, but one I definitely needed. I’m still journaling, working on my issues and working on becoming a happier me. I had to take my time to discover myself, and wanted to open up about my journey to yall. I was finally ready to talk about this.

Anyway. I hope you have a beautiful day, and I hope every day is happier than the last. Cheers yall.

Jack AU: Jack and Darby are room mates in a hospital

(The only hospital drama I’ve seen is Grey’s, and that place always on fire or being robbed or bombed or held up at gunpoint or planes coming down so…)

At first, Jack is alone in the room, which is great, because he kind of hurts all over and likes to be able to groan about the pain without anybody listening. But after a few hours, it seems like the rest of the victims are being moved out of surgery, and he ends up with a roommate.

He doesn’t complain, because a hotel collapsed. An entire hotel collapsed, and he’s lucky they could get everyone in; sheer numbers alone should have made it impossible. But it does mean that they have to double people up in rooms. Jack’s new roommate is unconscious, so it’s still quiet.

That’s fine. As long as the guy doesn’t up and die, anyway.

++

His roommate doesn’t die. Honestly, that feels like adding so much more trauma to a day Jack is already going to need extensive therapy for. He watched the topmost floor implode on itself as the rest of the building supports went down like dominoes, one after another. So the guy not flatlining in the first hour is actually great news. He even ends up opening his eyes, which are blue where Jack can see around the swelling.

But the nurses are running through the halls, and Jack’s pressed the button on his bed three times without answer. Since they’re both hooked up to machines announcing their continued existence, they don’t seem to be as important as the other people who, uh, might be faring worse.

“Hey,” Jack tries. The guy’s on oxygen, so talking is not gonna happen, right? Dude got out of surgery—he’s got to be in pain, more than Jack is. Does he need more meds? He’s got the IV in, shouldn’t a nurse be coming by to make sure he’s okay? Are all the staff members used to dashing through the halls like this? “Uh, you… you need anything?”

The guy stares at Jack over the oxygen, so Jack continues, “I’ve tried hitting the button, but, I think people are really busy? Cause the hotel collapsed? I assume you were there, too.”

He gets a nod. Progress; his roommate can still hear. That’s something.

“Sorry,” Jack says. He isn’t sure what else to say. “Can I do anything to help?”

The guy holds up one hand and sort of waves it a few times. Like he’s asking Jack to keep going. “Oh, I should keep talking?” A nod. Well, Jack can do that. His legs on fire, but talking is a good distraction. “Okay, sure. Uh, I’m Jack. Nice to meet you, under better circumstances at least. I don’t know why you were at the hotel, but I was there for a work conference. Ironic, huh? Do you think I’ll get Workers Comp for this?”

His roommate’s shoulders shake a few times. A laugh! Jack hadn’t expected that. This guy is tough as nails—probably has to be with all those tattoos. There’s a whole heap of black ink running up his left arm and disappearing beneath the flimsy hospital gown.

“So, anyway, I’m Jack,” Jack continues, “and I’m here because as the hotel collapsed, one of the umbrellas from the pool area hit me. It’s not even a cool injury. Oh, is that in bad taste? Shit, probably, but, like, it totally isn’t. A pool umbrella pinned me to the fence. Like, of all things. Do you think the universe is trying to tell me something?”

More shaking. More laughter—Jack’s on a roll here. It’s been awhile since he’s met someone who genuinely found him funny. He could get used to the warmth sliding up his chest, the pride.

When he glances over again, the guy’s watching him. Jack shrugs a little. “I’d ask your name, but…”

The cart he’s hooked up to is on wheels, and all the IV tubes and cords seem decently long. Jack scans the room. Then he reaches for the wall and drags himself, bed included, a few inches over. It’s not a lot, but it’s enough to reach the paper and pen on the little table between them. Things have been so crazy no one even bothered to put the privacy curtain up.

He hands the pen to his roommate. “Can you…?”

The guy reaches for it. Holds it terribly, but probably better than Jack could. And he scratches letters on the paper until he stops. Jack squints. “Darby? Well. Nice to meet you, Darby. Thanks for not dying and giving me more PTSD.”

That’s definitely a smile reaching up into those eyes.

++

It takes forever for the nurses to come back, and when one does, she’s very haggard. Jack can’t really blame her. He can see stretchers lining the hallway, so they really ran out of room following the disaster.

Darby is in and out of sleep for the first few hours. Jack pieces together that he was in surgery, and it was rough enough that the nurses are a bit surprised he’s still doing okay. Surprised, but grateful. And by grateful, apparently they are just going to ignore him now in favor of the people not doing okay. Which… okay, again, Jack wants to give them a lot of credit for saving lives, but pain medication is helpful, y’know?

He talks to Darby when the other is awake. Tells a lot of stories. For some reason, Darby seems amused by the dumb shit Jack gets up to and all the situations he seems to find himself in. Jack’s recounting of the time he got food poisoning while stuck in a bus depot seems to positively delight him.

When he dozes off again, Jack only feels a little guilty staring at him. It’s totally not his fault that Darby is, despite the hospital gown and the oxygen mask and, you know, the fact that his stomach was apparently repaired in OR3, kind of really hot.

Listen. It’s been a really bad day. Jack’s determined to find that silver lining somewhere.

++

“Uh, no,” Jack says. “The Marvel movies are so overrated. It’s all reliance on special effects now. Really, the CGI team should get all those awards, not the actors.”

Darby is doing that thing again where he’s laughing and shaking the tubes running into the machine beeping along with his heart. He lifts up one hand, index finger extended.

“Yeah, okay, like the first ones were pretty good,” Jack says, because he’ll give him that. “The emotional impact with the beginning should be acknowledged.”

Darby closes one eye, stares meaningfully at Jack with the other.

“I know, I know,” Jack says. “Way too many now. I can’t keep up with anything. And they aren’t in order anymore? Are there, like, multiverses in everything now? Who can understand all of this?”

Darby offers a thumbs up.

“Well, sure, it’s all better than Snyder’s Justice League,” Jack says, and sighs.

++

Darby’s pain meds wear off, and Jack has to hit his call button six times before a nurse shows up to help. An hour later, they make Jack get up and try to put weight on his leg, which ends up being a real shitshow of pain but he manages it. Darby claps for him, which is nice.

There’s a lot of commotion outside their room. Jack thinks quite a few people died. Actually, he doesn’t like to think about that, so he tries not to. But when he falls asleep, he has a nightmare about it. Dead bodies everywhere, the hotel on fire. And the meds in his IV keep him out when he ought to be waking up, which prolongs the horror. When he wakes up, it’s because a hand is shaking his shoulder vigorously.

Jack comes to with tears in his eyes and his throat raw. Darby has pulled his own bed closer so he could wake Jack up; it’s his hand on Jack’s bicep. Jack grapples for the man’s fingers and squeezes them, trying to avoid the tape and the needle. God, he had to have been screaming himself hoarse.

They end up falling back asleep with their hands joined, elbows balanced on the side rails.

++

The nurse pulls the tube out of Darby’s throat the next morning, which nearly makes Jack gag. Fuck, that’s awful, but Darby recovers faster than Jack would have. He hacks for a few moments, and then looks at the nurse blearily. “You fixed my stomach?”

“From where the pipe went through you?” The nurse asks, eyebrows hiked. “Yes. We did.”

“So I can drink coffee when I get out of here?” Darby continues, all rough and out of use and sandpaper-y.

She doesn’t seem to follow, and neither does Jack. “Eventually? Yes.”

“Okay.” Darby turns to Jack, one hand still holding his throat. “When I get released, you wanna get coffee with me?”

“Are you…” Jack blinks. “Are you asking me on a date?”

Darby grins. “Yeah.”

“You’re insane,” Jack tells him seriously.

“Is that a yes or a no?”

Jack smiles back. “Yeah, I wanna get coffee with you.”

“Sweet,” Darby says, as the nurse just grumbles at the ceiling.

++

It takes five weeks, but they get coffee. Jack makes sure they don’t sit near any umbrellas, and Darby holds his hand the whole time. They take a selfie and tag their location as the hotel that collapsed. It’s the dumbest shit Jack has ever done. They end up on the local news, and Jack doesn’t even care. He’s too busy on WebMD trying to figure out when Darby can attempt strenuous exercise again after extensive surgery.

(“It doesn’t really need to be that strenuous,” Darby points out. “I’ll just lay against the pillows, and you can do all the work.”

“While I’m not against this,” Jack replies, “I’m worried about ripping your stitches out.”

“Everything you say just makes me more excited about this,” Darby tells him, and Jack thinks he’s being serious.)

whats the worst encounter of ableism you've had, online or irl?

whats the funniest encounter of ableism you've had, online or irl?

whats something you see thats overhyped in regards to disability or cripplepunk?

do you have an ideal mobility aid or ideal disability aid in general?

feel free to skip any/all :)

cw: suicide, ableism,

1-The worst encounter of ableism I've experienced was from a psychiatric nurse my GP referred me to during a mental health crisis. I told the nurse that I was having thoughts about ending my life and he told me that he felt sorry for me because my physical disability meant my life would never be worth living. Obviously "you're doomed to feel this way forever" isn't a safe thing to say to someone trying to get help during a mental health crisis. If he could have done more to help me end my life I think he would have, and this is one of the reasons I'm so afraid of the risks around assisted suicide for disabled people.

I feel the need to add that several years on from that appointment I'm so happy that I'm alive. I've had 15 months of therapy and I'm on meds that work for me, I have the right support and equipment to manage my conditions, an extremely fulfilling job, and an amazing support network. My disability is worse than it was back then but I feel so much more content with my life.

2- The funniest example of ableism is more a story of ableism in the sense that no one had thought properly about disabled access. Only the result was that me and some other students accidentally broke into a nightclub.

I was at uni making a video with a group of disabled students for disability history month. We were filming in the student media centre which was on the first floor of a shared building. On the ground floor and basement there was a nightclub. All of the organisations shared a lift.

So we go up the lift while the nightclub is selling tickets during the day, but in the time it took for us to finish filming, the nightclub had closed and locked up. We didn't know this, so just took the lift back down when we wanted to leave. Immediately as we stepped out the lift, the burglar alarm went off.

It was the loudest thing I have ever heard in my life. It was so loud that it was totally impossible to think. All we could do was try to get away as quickly as we could so we went to the doors, which were obviously locked.

So we went back up in the lift away from the noise to figure out what to do next. We called the campus security and tried to explain what was happening but they didn't seem to get it. Eventually they told us that they were heading over our way anyway (because of the alarm) and would check in on us when they came.

When they arrived they were knocking on the lift door convinced that we were stuck in there. When we said we were stuck in the building, not the lift they didn't get it.

They looked at us, a group of disabled people including someone with a cane, someone using crutches and me, very obviously a wheelchair user, and told us if we couldn't take the lift we could "just take the stairs".

I had to awkwardly point out that wheelchairs don't go do down stairs at which point they became very embarrassed (which I won't lie was quite funny)

In the end we had to wait an hour or so for the owner of the nightclub to drive up to campus with the keys and alarm codes and it was all fine.

3- I think that the value of independence is overhyped everywhere, including in disabled spaces. I've seen a lot of disabled people state that they're somehow better than other disabled people who they view as less independent than them. Relying on mobility aids, medications, carers, family members benefits and other supports don't make you less strong, less deserving or less anything.

I really struggled with my own feelings around this when I was a teenager. I found it so hard to ask for help because I thought it made me a "bad disabled person", and seeing that insecurity reflected back at me from other disabled people online only reenforced it.

4- My ideal mobility aid would be a fully waterproof electric wheelchair. I'd love the sensation of rain or hail in my face without being stressed about my chair. Or be able to go to the beach along one of those mat things and into the sea.

I'd love to go into psychology. I think that diagnosing people is absolutely fascinating, but I have a really hard time with empathy. I can understand characters in TV shows and books and why they do the things that they do, but when it's real people it feels like there's a mental block or something? I just have to try really hard to be understanding and patient and I think that doing that for years would make me feel terrible. I have the right personality to be a psychiatrist, but I hate science and I know that I'd hate doing medical school. I know that there's other jobs in psychology (like a research psychologist, or a professor or something maybe) but getting a PhD is phenomenally hard and I'm not sure if I can do it. I feel like, for a therapist or really for anyone in psychology, having a lot of empathy is almost a requirement. Can you be a therapist if you have a hard time with empathy and relating to people?

Hi! I'm so excited to hear you're interested and I always love talking to folks who are passionate about this as a career! We need folks, yes including folks like you!

For starters: psychology is a broad field and not just one career. There's different types and paths to follow, not just the stuff you see on TV. It can be stuff like psychiatry (which is more medication based and why more like med school), therapist (my field which I didn't need a doctorate for in the USA, only my masters and liscensure hours), occupational therapy (which is its own field and so so very important), school counselor. And etc etc. Some folks even use psych in other fields, like teachers and I know it helps im advertising and marketing. It's so multifaceted that there really isn't a limit!

What I mean to say is, in short, it's about figuring out what you're comfortable with doing and what's the right fit for you. And you have time! One of my classmates in my masters was 50, and they're terrific. Higher education is necessary, but there's many paths for the same thing. I'd say see what opportunities might be available for you now to test the waters, see where your interests lie. Do you like working with kids or adults? Do you prefer play therapy or talking about feelings? Do you like moving around and working on motor skills or helping someone in a crisis or trauma situation? Are you interested in social work or working in schools? Start with researching and see what sparks your interest, the more passionate you are about it the more motivated you'll be to go to school for it.

And as to your second question: you already HAVE empathy. You said you understand what a fictional character is thinking and why they act a certain way, and that's a start.

It's true having empathy is an important skill in this field, but it's a SKILL for a reason. It's something we have to practice, and that's part of why school is so important. Part of it is understanding how someone's experiences lead to they way they act, which comes from not just empathy but understanding the symptoms in play here.

I'll give a real example: a parent comes to me and says they don't like the work I'm doing with their kid and they want a new therapist, even though the kid doesn't. My instinct, and this I cannot stress enough is valid and normal reaction, is to be hurt and upset. I'm even angry, because I know I am doing good work and it's the parent who has been causing issues. I'm frustrated and so very very hurt.

But I can also acknowledge that my feelings are separate from the situation, that I need to dig deeper to find out the full bigger picture here. This career is a lot like detective work, because we have to search for clues that might tell us why someone does or acts a certain way. So for this parent I might think about what I know of home life, current events that might he impacting them. Does the parent have their own mental health that causes issues? Are they upset with me or the situation? And can I help them figure put and communicate? It builds on more than just empathy I think, and it's something that comes largely from experience and recognizing patterns.

It doesn't always come naturally, but it does come with practice. You definitely have empathy if you are able to think about how your reaction affects another person. It's just building on those skills! Gathering experience and letting yourself learn, recognizing what might be a weakness that you can build on. And crucially: Practice practice practice!

Good morning.

Some scientists believe ADHD is caused by the brain processing dopamine inefficiently.

The brain requires chemical homeostasis and if you're processing less dopamine than you need, you are perpetually doing things to help stimulate dopamine production, whether that's impulsiveness, speaking out of turn, making jokes at inappropriate times, picking fights, fidgeting, zoning out, etc.

Worse, when you're asked to do something that's unpleasant and won't allow you to do something rewarding at the same time, like paying a bill or doing math homework, your brain riots because it NEEDS the dopamine and this is actively preventing you from getting what you need. Until you're down to the wire and adrenaline floods your brain, allowing you to Do The Thing on that momentum alone, you're stuck.

You don't get to choose to ignore your brain's need for chemical homeostasis; you have to treat it or work around it somehow.

Stimulant medications address the brain's immediate need for happy chemicals. This is why stimulants calm ADHD people down. Suddenly the brain is no longer screaming for dopamine, and you are actually enabled to do the things, including the boring or difficult things, that you've been wanting to do all along. This is also why caffeine puts a lot of ADHD people to sleep. The brain, finally having what it needs, is calm.

i get why people are scared of stimulant medications but like, when you have ADHD and you're properly dosed, it's not addictive. Because your brain chemistry is different. You're not getting a high, you're actually calming down, for once in your entire life.

It's not like ADHD meds don't come with side effects and downsides. If i could function without them, I'd prefer to, because the side effects are a bummer. I also don't like feeling like i rely on a crutch, especially when shortages, politics, misinformation and ableism make the future of access to them so uncertain; but i feel similarly about my glasses. Kinda wish i didn't need em. You know?

But even with all that said, meds have been a miracle for me. Over the last couple years, my self-confidence has grown. The feeling of fear and failure that's hung over me literally my entire life is lifting, because I'm finding i consistently have the capacity to meet people's expectations and do what's most important. I'm less anxious about unpleasant tasks, because i can be confident in my ability to do them before they pile up. I'm able to be present more often, at work and in the rest of my life. I can show up for my friends. I'm no longer constantly scared that others will Find Out that I'm Faking It, because yeah, I'm a hot mess, but i can get crap done when i need to now usually. I'm actually making significant progress towards goals I've had for years and never been able to start on. I'm discovering that with some strategy, i can have some consistent habits. I'm having more compassion with myself and cutting myself some slack when i do fall short.

Meds haven't fixed everything for me; progress has come slowly with a combination of meds, therapy, getting older, and settling down in life. And i still struggle a lot, with things like keeping my space clean and consistently doing tasks that i don't like or that cause me sensory issues etc. I still struggle with a LOT of shame around my ADHD, every day when i step over that pile of laundry or try to remember where i left my phone. But I'm not constantly scared I'm about to be fired anymore. I'm not ending the workday exhausted from anxiety and spinning my wheels after a long day of under-performing. I'm not so plagued by the feeling that I'm letting everyone down or that I'll never be able to achieve my goals. Compared to a few years ago, i am so happy, calm and confident--i wouldn't have recognized current me.

Meds are a miracle. Thanks for coming to my ted talk

Revisiting this blog now that we have had time to grow and heal

Hey guys, I am the host for the people who used to post on here and I have recently decided to revisit this blog since I have seen some people talking about it again in a positive light. After reading through all of the posts on here, I have come to the realization that a lot of us (including and especially me) were kind of being assholes when we made this blog, even if our intentions were to help people and we did some small amount of good at the time with collecting resources and advice.

The bottom line is, we were judgemental dicks who tried to tell people how they should or shouldn’t handle their spirituality, something very important and close to the heart. Our impulsiveness and misguided desire to help others I feel like did a lot more harm than good. And the only thing to do about that is to apologize and promise to be better people as we try to move forward with our lives. I suffer from paranoia due to PTSD and when we are not on our meds I am an insufferably horrible person to be around.

I was constantly fighting and seeking drama without even realizing it because I thought it was normal. When every single day you get fifteen phonecalls that have people screaming at you/gaslighting you and you also grew up surrounded by family who would do similar things, fighting and lashing out becomes the norm because it’s all that you really know. In these situations, nothing can help you but yourself and taking the drastic actions you’re too scared to do in order to finally take your life back. I was an idiot and I thought that I was fine because I had a therapist and I was “getting help” when in reality, I wasn’t really being helped at all and I was just spiraling and spiraling into more denial because my therapist couldn’t really keep my abuser away from me and any progress I made in therapy was pretty much instantly undone the second my abuser tried to call me or sometimes break into my house uninvited. And it was a catch 22 because no one wanted to be around us for very long when we weren’t medicated and it was hard to find real support or connections for very long since we kept fucking it up in some way and none of the experimental “system rules” we came up with ever seemed to do any good with preventing it.

But that isn’t normal. And I shouldn’t have let myself or anyone in our system become this kind of person. I honestly kind of hate my past self even reading some of the things I wrote on here and typing out this post lol.

Also, I felt like we constantly had some invisible bar we had to reach to ever be accepted by anyone which is part of why we had such a unreasonably strict approach to this blog. When everyone leaves you because you are a toxic person to be around and you are aware that something is wrong but you don’t know what it is, it makes you try to people please in the desperate hope that it can make you less of a broken person.

So again, I want to apologize to everyone we hurt with this blog. We can act like adults now and we are in a much better place. We have mostly retired from the internet lately and I think this trend is probably going to continue since it is just better for our mental health when we don’t post things that thousands of strangers can see and be hurt by if we fuck it up. We have finally managed to cut our abuser out of our lives for good in a way where we can finally feel safe and not feel like someone is going to come after us at any time or stalk us even if it took years to do.

But I’m done with fighting people all the time because the truth is, it doesn’t help anyone in the end, especially not with online discourse. All it does it make things worse and get people hurt. Hell, I’m even done with the community itself because I can’t trust myself not to fall back into the same patterns and fuck it up again. From now on, we are going to put all of our newly found energy and time into becoming the best people we can be and just existing away from the online soulbonding community and most online communities in general.

No more people pleasing. No more being on edge all the time. No more blogs. No more telling people what they should or shouldn’t do or what is or isn’t going on. This is soulbonding. No one even knows wtf we are really dealing with or a lot of the hard gritty things behind why soulbonds are a thing in the first place. All we have is theories and our theories aren’t better or worse than other people’s theories. Even if people don’t see soulbonding the way we do, in the end that is no longer our business because soulbonding should be a personal thing that people should explore themselves.

So while reading through this blog, please take everything here with a grain of salt. Yes, there are bits of good or helpful information here, but some of us were assholes and I 100% admit that and want to not be one anymore.

Notes from Seminar 1/4: Sleep

ADHD ain't just hyperactivity.

"Skills not pills," they say, since part of ADHD treatment is to provide people with coping mechanisms that will let them work around the difficulties of their neurotype. Part of "skills" is awareness of how your brain works and how that affects your life.

How ADHD affects sleep:

You might forget to go to bed, go to bed later, or experience insomnia

a burst of energy as night falls, or Circadian Rhythm Sleep Disorder. These symptoms may arise from smaller pineal glands, irregularities in clock genes, and later melatonin release. Things that may help are Bright Light Therapy as you wake up, or melatonin to help you fall asleep, or timers and alarms to remind you to go to bed.

preferring the nighttime hours as a time to "hyperfocus" on stuff

a "disrupted" sleep-wake schedule that doesn't fit the typical 9-5 job

Restless Leg Syndrome or other limb movement disorders occur in 50% of people with ADHD. May be caused by iron or dopamine deficiencies; treated with iron supplements or dopaminergics.

Trouble waking up or shaking off drowsiness; excessive sleepiness.

To help combat sleep disorders, the presentation recommended:

cut out sugar, caffeine, and alcohol within a few hours of bedtime

avoid screen time for an hour before bed (ask me about my canned rant on this)

avoid stimulating activities and projects that require focus in the evening

make the bed a stress-free zone "reserved for sleep and sex"

get exercise and sunlight during the day

develop a bedtime routine that you enjoy and look forwards to

keep the bedroom cool, dark, and quiet

blanket outside noise using a noise machine or a nature-sounds recording, or calming music

keep a consistent sleep schedule, making sure to get enough sleep for your age group

use a weighted blanket

meditation

basically anything that counts as "soothing", including essential oil diffusers (doubt.jpg)

To help get out of bed in the morning:

bright lights, including Bright Light Therapy, east-facing bedrooms, timers that turn on bright lamps, or alarm clocks that turn on a light gradually.

you may benefit for a specific form of CBT: CBT for Insomnia (CBT-I)

talk to your doc about sleep meds or adjusting your sleep schedule to optimize it for sleep.

(These notes may come with a certain amount of sarcasm or scepticism; the presenter was new to the course and to the course materials, and was reading from the slides a lot. The slides contained a lot of pop-science infographics, and there were some missed connections in the presentation.)

ADHD/Autism diagnosis as an adult, part 1

So this is a bit of a departure from my usual content, but I wanted to break down some of my experiences here so that others could learn more about the process and how it works, and what struggles I faced.

Please remember, this is just one person's experience, and yours might be very different depending on your healthcare provider, country you are seeking care in, or even what part of the country. I know my experiences would have been very different if I'd tried to get an assessment back in Ohio vs Washington state.

A little background: I grew up in an emotionally abusive household that placed a lot of stigma on mental health and not being neurotypical. I've had anxiety since I was 3 and depression since I was 10 or 11, but was unable to get help until I was almost 30 because of that stigma.

As a result, I grew up with some hardcore masking, and trying to be as "normal" as possible. I think I was tested for autism several times in elementary school, but because I'd been conditioned to know the "right" answers, I told the teachers what they wanted to hear, not what I actually felt or thought, so I "passed."

About 5 years ago, all of my coping mechanisms for my anxiety and depression stopped working at the same time, for no apparent reason, and I made the decision to begin taking medication. It's one of the best choices I've ever made.

Around that same time, I was also diagnosed with hypothyroidism, and later Hashimotos (autoimmune condition attacking the thyroid).

During all of this, I moved 3,000 miles to a new state.

The Hashimotos has caused a great deal of fatigue for me, which is how I got diagnosed in the first place. Even with my medication, I still am tired all the time, and I'm usually ready for a nap. However, it also causes insomnia, so I will often go to bed and then lay there for 2-3 hours before I can fall asleep, even if I'm super tired.

This past year has been very bad. My anxiety also spiked for the first time since I started meds, to the point I was having panic attacks at work. I started talk therapy to help determine if the problem was the crappy job or if my meds needed adjustment. It also became clear through these conversations that something wasn't right physically, so I went to my GP.

I am not going to lie when I say I hit the lottery with this GP. I laid out all of my symptoms, which are, theoretically, tied to my Hashimoto's: Fatigue, intolerance of physical activity, inability to regulate my body temperature, random joint/muscle aches, headaches, and a whole laundry list of other symptoms.

She wrote everything down, and then shocked the pants off me when she said, "This doesn't sound like Hashimoto's to me. It sounds like Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and ADHD."

You could have knocked me over with a feather. I know a lot of people in many places in the world with ME/CFS and usually doctors avoid mentioning that as a diagnosis unless they have to. To have it, and ADHD suggested as a possibility from the get go was shocking.

I walked away with a list of referrals to specialists, including neuropsychology for both an autism and ADHD assessment.

I'm going to end part one here, since this was a lot of background. I'll be focusing on the ADHD/Autism assessments, but if anyone has questions about Hashimoto's, the chronic fatigue diagnosis, or any of the other conditions I've mentioned here and how they were treated, I would be happy to elaborate.

So you lived online for nearly a decade getting radicalized by a hate group that colonized radfem. You get that all women forward gains by radfem were in the trans inclusive era right? And nothing but wasting time/money/resources has come out of terf radfem since? Well aside from an ever growing right political lean and alliances. I mean 7 years you can't have been in the terf bubble the whole time.

This is a long one so TL;DR at the end!

TW; self harm & suicide mentions

1) I've always been in hyper-progressive leftist spaces until less than 6 months ago and spent my entire isolation thinking I was trans. I wore a binder so much I now have rib and back pains regularly and my boobs sag. I presented myself as a man fully, and it made me so depressed I relapsed back to selfharm, something I had managed to keep at bay for almost two years and was very proud of because it was Hard. The more masc I presented the worse it got, because I looked more and more like a stranger to myself and I mistook that as dysphoria and spiraled even more. I can't wear comfortable t-shirts outside anymore in the heat because people will see my scars which is triggering to me. My self harm destroyed family relationships permanently. I cried a lot and was so miserable I had set plans to kill myself with booze and meds. If my country didn't have such strick firearm laws I would've just gotten a gun though.

I thought I was trans because I was a semi gnc woman with severe body dysmorphia who felt like a person rather than a stereotypical woman, and being a woman was meant to be a specific feeling I did not have. And every time I questioned myself and if transness was right for me I got bombed with affirmations that "being unsure is normal, you don't need xyz to be trans anyway, if you question your gender at all it probably means you aren't cis!" etc.

After I entered recovery and began to be around normal people in real life I quickly realized I was not a man and dropped the label quickly. I felt better as a result and I've been clean off self harm for over two years now. I love myself and my anatomy, something I wanted to cut off from myself so bad I wanted to die.

But when I finally stopped and told my friends I was wrong and that I'm a woman after all, I only had one friend who said "Okay!". The rest avoided it and continued to use he/they pronouns for me and refused to use my birthname instead of my trans name until recently. I felt rejected by people who had been my lifeline for years and like I had betrayed my peers.

Despite this I think being trans is a real thing. Some people do need to transition. I know many and they have done so and I am happy for them. I do not want transitioning to be inaccessible or eradicated.

I think trans healthcare should be improved actually. It needs to be able to handle more patients than it does now. It's cruel to make people wait for years for healthcare and then not be offered proper help but to be processed in and out in as few sessions as possible that are also months apart. Trans treatment should include long-term therapy, multiple appointments, screenings and regular check-ins during transition. This is not gatekeeping btw. I am unable to gatekeep anyone because I am not a doctor. Plus Idk why it's such a sin to wish proper healthcare for a group of people. Hormones are not a magical medicine and transitioning will not fix the other mental health issues you may have, only ease the load of constant stress coming in and that's only if transitioning is actually right for you. Taking someone's claims of their mental health at face value is not always helpful nor good for them. I've been at both ends, so i know it's a hard pill to swallow though.

2) I don't understand your need to mush feminism, lgb- and trans activism together into a single group. Women, ssa and trans folk all have very specific needs that do not intertwine a lot of the times. It's not exclusionary to want to keep the movements separate so each one can focus on what they need instead of pushing everyone together causing constant infighting about what goals to pursue. Nothing will change without active, large scale group efforts and any attempt for anyone to organise right now gets torn apart from the inside because of topic-unrelated disagreements. Which then again makes it easier for right leaning people to organise without a lash back and push discriminatory legislations forward while we're too busy arguing amongst ourselves. It also creates an unwelcoming environment for those who might want to join our movements, which kind of pales in the comparison to political groups on the right who often lovebomb you and seem overly welcoming so it's easier for them to gain more members.

You can be gay, a feminist and trans, still belong in all three groups and practice activism to better the lives of all these minorities separately.

That being said collaborative efforts should be made to improve the quality of life for all, but primary focus of each activist group should still remain issues affecting the specific minority the group is made for. I say this because in the current climate trans rights activism expects unconditional support from every other minority group with little to no help in return from what I've seen, but instead constantly inserting themselves in discussions for other minority rights conversations as well and expect to be patted on the back for it :/

3) I'm not trans exclusionary. I just believe in radical feminism ideologies and think bio sex is real and that I am oppressed for it. The current gender narrative has personally hurt me and due to radblr I was able to meet many other women who experienced the same thing and I feel refreshed because I can actually be myself here and say what I think.

A group of women disagreeing with you online =/= hateful systematic oppression. Blame the rich old white men running the world for that one like the rest of us.

TL;DR - I thought I was trans for a long time, I am a radfem because the current gender ideology hurt me personally. I still think being trans is real and think trans healthcare should be improved. I don't think wanting to keep specific political movements for specific minorities is exclusionary, it's keeping goals clear and making it easier to organise instead of constant infighting, which makes it easier for right wingers to organise and recruit more members im return. You can belong in multiple minorities and activist groups without having to join them all together.

little vent

i can't even go to school without ending criying in fear because people are perceiving me, i can't stand all those eyes, and when i get home i just cry even more because i know i humiliate myself there

and making friends is so hard, and finding people is even more hard, and keeping friends is... even even more hard

i can't do this, i'm triying so hard... aah...

(don't feel forced to answer if you don't want to ofc!)

tw: school ⚠️⚠️

hey anon, i had a similar experience at school. it was so scary all the time.

schools are a haven for social anxiety especially because you’re being watched All The Time. 

am so sorry you’re going through this. but you can get through it. take care. 🌹🌹

sorry, this is going to be an obscenely long reply. you don’t have to read it all. i just need it out there. because the reason i started this blog to help people who went through what i did in school. back then, i wanted there to be some secret alliance of quiet and bullied kids. i wanted someone to show me how to survive those years, and i was counting the days. 

my social anxiety at school got so bad i couldn’t look up from the floor or desk ever. and yeah i cried a lot too. felt so vulnerable like no-one was safe to be around. didn’t want to be counted in things. every new ‘activity’ in lessons caused a spike in fear because it could be a group project or i could be asked to speak or read something out. 

tw: bulling ⚠️⚠️ (skip to ‘other ways to cope’.)

most people were cruel because of the culture of bullying, and any niceness just looked like either pity or a trick ( i can’t read people well, and there also was a lot of that psychological bullying - you know where they pretend to be nice and then laugh for no reason, just to make you feel like shit). 

had friends but lost them because isolated myself because social anxiety convinced me that they hated me because i couldn’t talk to them (those friends were nice; it was a cognitive distortion). 

being friendless at school is a survival game. and it is often traumatising. i want you to know that it is not your fault. 

🌹 if you’re bullied, it is not your fault. 

🌹 if you have no friends, it is not your fault. 

🌹 if you’re anxious or scared, it is not your fault. 

it may not be because you’re not trying enough; it might just be because of a shit school system which systematically traumatises the mentally ill and/or neurodivergent. 

i’d look into finding or asking for a quiet room you can go to when overwhelmed or anxious, or just to be alone knowing oif they won’t provide it (my school used to kick loners out of empty classrooms during lunch, because “they shouldn’t be there unsupervised” (when really they were just there because they would be bullied in the canteen). 

other than that i don’t have much advice. i didn’t cope in good ways. 

tw: therapy mention ⚠️⚠️

hid in the toilets and got traumatised by the fact i had to hide. many people refuse school (which is not something i advise. but fuck any place or people that makes you cry from fear). meds and therapy might help if they’re an option. 

🌹🌹🌹other ways to cope: 

headphones, especially ear defenders and / or ones that can blast music to distract you. 

when i was in school i had long long fringe, covered my peripheral vision, and that helped with fear of being perceived because otherwise i would constantly have to look around to see if anyone was looking or laughing at me. it’s kind of a ‘if you can’t see them, they can’t see you’ fallacy. 

grounding techniques. wish i’d known these. because i just dissociated out my head. 

please don’t hate yourself. i know that that is often impossible. had a therapist once who asked me “what are you scared they’ll see, when they look at you?” turns out the root of my fear was that they would see something weak, vulnerable, laughable, small; something to be humiliated and judged and hurt. (stemmed from childhood traumas including bullying). that therapist told me to ask myself: “what kind of person would judge you like that, would see you as worthless or funny or broken?” the answer is: only the cruelest, most insidious person in the world. you understand? when you have a small flame of self-worth, the judgement reflects badly on the judger, not you. 

what are Good things you would like people to see when they look at you. maybe you’re brave, or kind, or you have cool hair or nails. in school had punk hair that i got bullied for, but it was a source of pride. pride is an absolute good. there were times it actually made me Want to be seen.

calming grounding things that you can associate respectively with going to school and leaving school (i listened to the same song on the way out every day. i changed into my comfy hoodie, and it made me feel free and safe again. 

oh and when i left school for good, like finished my final year, i left them a “thank you” if you could call it that. it was actually a framed sheet of paper containing details of the bullying and how the teachers (general) ignored it. the note told them to do better. i hope that school is safer now. but the system needs to change. 

🌹🌹🌹

#JamesDonaldson On #MentalHealth - 10 Common #MentalIllnesses Crash Course

https://www.youtube.com/embed/IaSpas9hWNQ (upbeat music) Before we begin we'd like to add a quick warning discretion. This video discusses #mentalillness including #eatingdisorders and #PTSD. What is #mentalillness? According to #NationalAllianceonMentalIllness, it's defined as a condition that affects a person's thinking, feeling or mood for a sustained period of time that negatively impacts them. You might be wondering, is #depression a #mentalillness? What about #anxiety? Yes, they are. In fact, they're the most common types of #mentalillnesses. In this video, Psych2go covers 10 of the most common types of #mentalillnesses. One, #anxietydisorders. We know 18.1% doesn't sound like a lot but that's the number of #adults in the US who suffer from #anxietydisorders. 40 million people suffer from symptoms of an #anxietydisorder every year. Of those 40 million people, it's estimated that only 36.9% of them will get help. #Anxietydisorders rarely appear alone, with #depression being a common co-diagnosis. #Anxietydisorders come in a few varieties, generalized #anxietydisorder, GAD, #panicdisorder, #socialanxietydisorder, #SAD and #obsessivecompulsivedisorder, #OCD. So, what do all these #anxietydisorders have in common? They're all characterized bynearly uncontrollable worry that messes with several aspects of daily life such as sleep, relationships,school and work. The good news is there are several treatment options available, which include different types of therapy and medication. Two, #personalitydisorders. What does it mean when someone's personality is disordered? #Personalitydisorders refer to #behavioral, emotional and thought patterns that deviate greatly from the expectations of an individualist culture. The #NationalInstituteofMentalHealth suggests that 9.1 of the population has the traits of a #personalitydisorder. So what does this look like in real life? Could anyone who's a little different be diagnosed with a #personalitydisorder? Well, according to the diagnostic criteria in the DSMV these differences mustbe causing the individual significant amounts of distress in the way they see themselves, others and situations, inappropriate or exaggerated emotional responses, impulse control and how wellthe individual relates to and functions around others. #Personalitydisorders can't be cured but thankfully they can be treated. This treatment consists of combinations of medications for the underlying #mentalhealthissues as well as talk therapy. Three, #attentiondeficithyperactivitydisorder. If we say #ADHD what comes to mind? The stereotype of aperson diagnosed with #ADHD is usually a small #child who's bouncing off the walls or can't finish a task. However, between 7.8 and 11% of #children aged four to 17 are diagnosed with #ADHD any given year. #ADHD affects people of all ages and includes multiple symptoms such as inability to concentrate, forgetfulness, inability ability to sit still, restlessness and losing things. An individual's symptomsvary depending on their age, gender and type of #ADHD. Did you know there's actually three recognized types of #ADHD? There #ADHD, combined type #ADHD, impulsive/hyperactive type in #ADHD, inattentive and destructible type. Most people think meds are the only way to control #ADHD. Well many people diagnosedwith the disorder find relief by using a combination of medications, life coaching, education and talk therapy. Four, #posttraumaticstressdisorder. Did you know that an estimated 6.8% of the US population will develop some form of #posttraumaticstressdisorder. That's about 19 million people in the US alone. So how does this happen? You, me, everybody will get stressed out by something in our lives. Some people will come across something so stressful that it affects them permanently. For many of them this stress becomes trauma. A traumatic event is considered any event that should not have happened,such as a natural disaster an assault, childhood neglect, abuse, starvation and so on. Just as a completelynormal reaction to trauma what will happen when the threat is gone? The #stress and trauma stopson its own for most people, when the mind and body understand the individual is no longer under attack. But what if the mind and body don't get the memo? #Posttraumaticstressdisorder refers to a prolonged fight or flight response that happens after the stressful event has stopped. #Complexposttraumaticstressdisorder, #CPTSD refers to the #PTSD thatoccurs due to a series of continued traumatic events, such as childhood abuse. Think of #PTSD and #CPTSD as the echoes of the #stress response. These echoes can happen in the form of emotional flashbacks, nightmares, extreme anxiety or panic, difficulties connecting to others and an overwhelming sense of fear. So how does someone get helpfor something so overwhelming? People suffering from #PTSD or #CPTSD can find relief through trauma therapies, which is eye movement desensitization reprocessing EMDR or traditional talk therapies such as #cognitivebehavioraltherapy, #CBT or #dialecticalbehaviortherapy, #DBT. #James Donaldson notes: Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes. Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use. Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.  #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle Order your copy of James Donaldson's latest book, #CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy http://www.celebratingyourgiftoflife.com Five, #depression. An estimated 6.7% of the US population over the age of 18 15.7 million people live with #depression. Although the occasional low mood is a normal response to negative situations,#depression entails low moods that are severe and last longer than six weeks. #Depression manifestsdifferently in #women than #men. #Women tend to experience #depression as feelings of sadness, worthlessness and shame or guilt. #Men tend to mistake the symptoms of #depression as fatigue and being easily irritated. Common treatments for #depression include #cognitivebehavioraltherapy, #CBT, #interpersonaltherapy,#IPT, psychodynamic therapy, psycho education groups, antidepressants and various brain stimulation therapies. Six, #bipolardisorder. An estimated 2.8% of the US population that sought #mentalhealthtreatment was diagnosed with some form of #bipolardisorder in 2018. This number may be low, as many individuals who suffer from any #mentalhealthdisorder do not seek treatment. #Bipolardisorder means a lot more than just really bad mood swings for a couple of reasons. First people diagnosed with #bipolardisorder cannot completely control these mood swings and in second, these mood swings range from manic, feeling super happy or invincible, doing crazy spontaneous things, grandiosity and having racing or unrealistic thoughts to extreme bouts of #depression and maybe a little hypomania in between. Living with #bipolardisorder isn't easy but people struggling with the disorder can find a variety of medications and traditional counseling treatments to help them find more balance. Seven, #eatingdisorders. Did you know there are almost as many people living with #eatingdisorders as there are with #bipolardisorder? It's true. Approximately 2.7% of individuals who sought treatment were diagnosed with an #eatingdisorder in 2018. The most common question people ask about #eatingdisorders is what's the difference between not being happy with your body and havingan #eatingdisorder? Well, in addition to this total focus on their physical flaws, #eatingdisorders are defined by #dysmorphia and the binge purge restrict cycle of #behavior. This cycle comes from the person's feelings of extreme distress and disgust about their body. This disgust drives the individual who has the disorder to become super focused on their body weight and shape. Leave a comment belowif you wanna know more about the binge purge restrict cycle. The #eatingdisorders everyone knows about are #anorexianervosa and #bulimia but most people have never heard of #eatingdisorders not otherwise specified, EDNOS or avoidant restrictive food intake disorder, ARFID. Leave a comment below if you wanna hear more about the lesser known #eatingdisorders. Everyone needs food, so how is someone who has such a terrible relationship with eating and body image supposed to get better? Recovery from an #eatingdisorder is totally possible. With a combination of talk therapy, residential treatment and medications to treat the symptoms of any underlying #mentalhealthconditions. Eight, #obsessivecompulsivedisorder. If #obsessivecompulsivedisorder, #OCD is a type of #anxietydisorder, why does it make the number eight spot? Simple professionals day 2.3% of individuals will qualify for a diagnosis of #OCD during the course of their lifetime. What's the first thing youthink of when you think of someone who suffers from #obsessivecompulsivedisorder? Did you imagine someone who can't stand the thought of germs? Maybe a person who turns the doorknob 27 times before they can leave the house? The common stereotype of an individual diagnosed with #obsessivecompulsivedisorder, #OCD is if someone obsessed with cleaning or counting to a comical degree but that's not the whole picture. The reality of #OCD includes a great deal of #anxiety, rigid thinking and feeling isolated from others. Individuals diagnosed with #OCD suffer from reoccurring thoughts that they cannot control, which are referred to as obsessions. These obsessions can be things like cleaning or accounting but also include checking and double checking, feeling as though one will be punished for being a sinner. Organizing and arranging and hoarding. Having obsessions is different from being detail oriented or a little type A because individuals who suffer from obsessions experience crippling #anxiety due to these thoughtsthey're unable to control. The compulsions are the actions such as cleaning, hand washing, arranging andhoarding, individuals use to cope with overwhelming #anxiety and rigid thinking. So what is someone who lives with the reality of #OCD to do? Although there's no cure for #OCD, a combination of medical and talk therapy will help them manage their symptoms effectively. Nine, #autismspectrumdisorder #ASD. We've been hearing more and more about #autismspectrumdisorder #ASD in recent years. That's because approximately 1.2% of #children, one in 59 #children will qualify for a diagnosis of #autismspectrumdisorder in the coming year. #ASD begins in #childhood but many individuals are not diagnosed until #adolescence or #adulthood. #ASD is characterized by significantly impaired social interactions, learning and communication. Individuals with #ASD may seem eccentric or unemotional to others, as they do not understand normal social cues. Some of these #behaviors include seeming off in their own world, repetitive thoughts or #behaviors, restricted interests, poor eye contact and difficulty communicating with others to the point their functioningis greatly impaired. The most common treatments for #ASD include special education classes, applied #behavioral analysis, ABA therapy, occupational therapy, speech therapy, #behavioral management, therapy and medication management. And 10, #schizophrenia and psychotic disorders. Did you know three out of 100 people will experience the symptoms of psychosis in their lifetime? Yep, this means 1% of the population suffers from a #psychotidisorder. People usually have their first psychotic break between the ages of 16 and 30 which means approximately 100000 #adolescents and #adults will experience their first #psychotic break every year.  This does not mean everyone who experiences #psychosis will always have a #psychoticdisorder. Medical and environmental or situational factors such as extreme #stress, certain prescriptions and illicit drugs caninduce temporary #psychosis. For individuals with a #psychoticdisorder however, the symptoms last longer than six months. So, what is #psychosis anyway? Someone suffering from #psychosis has breaks or disruptions in their reality, which manifests in #behaviors such as religious delusions, audio visual or tactile hallucinations, feelings of #paranoia or persecution and disordered or jumbled thoughts and speech. #Schizophrenia is the most common #psychoticdisorder but the DSMV recognize a few others. Would you like to know more about the other #psychoticdisorders? Then tell us in the comments below. Having a #psychoticdisorder can feel like torture but it doesn't have to. Many people who are diagnosedwith some type of #psychosis are successfully treated with a combination of specialized medications,therapy and case management. Have you or a loved one ever dealt with any of the #mentalillnesses in this article? Were there any symptoms on this list that surprised you? Which #mentalillnesses doyou wanna hear more about? Tell us in the comments below. As always, any information provided here is for educational purposes only. If you need #mentalhealthcounseling or treatment, please contact your insurance company, local college #students counseling clinic or your county crisis line, help is out there. For more information on #mentalillness and #mentalhealth, stay tuned to Psych2go. As always, thanks for watching.. Contact James Donaldson at Read the full article

can u talk about what hypomania/mania is like especially in a mixed state and give examples of how a manic day would go and feel? can someonee only have mixed and depressive states(also no baseline normal mood states)? also. if someone is in a trauma environment and is unable to do a lot and gets upset a lot by being hurt can they still be hypo/manic during that time even if they get sad? or what if the person is fatigued due to physical disorders can they still be manic/hypomanic? what exactly would it feel like if ur always out of energy and cant get around and do things much yet still manic? do u have any tips on how to tell if your unipolar depression dx was correct or if it’s really bipolar? honestly what do u do when ur questions a bunch of ur diagnoses and feel like u can’t trust yourself and are unsure about everything? and um in bipolar can psychosis not be related to ur mood? like. If u are having delusions during mania does it have to be grandiose … and the opposite for depression or can it be anything like persecutory? any info and resources u can give ,, also how do u tell the difference between non depressed/regular mood and hypomanic or manic?

wait wait follow up question for u.. when u get manic/hypo/mixed state … do u get this feeling of “I need to do this one thing non stop for hours and need to do it quickly my mind is racing I’m so fixated on this and feel so alert it’s kinda stressful bc of the feeling of needing to do everything so quickly at once but it’s also something u enjoy” ? does that sound like a manic interest? or could that be experienced by people without bipolar like it u had a hyperfixation woukd it feel the same overwhelming need to go fast feeling?

I'm not a doctor and I think professional advice is always the way to go BUT in my experience of mania/hypomania it feels very on or off, very pervasive, and one of the big markers is that it overcomes other psychological hang-ups that I have. When I'm hypo/manic I have none of my usual anxiety, and trauma reactions can be there but will look completely different (like anger instead of fear, shouting instead of hiding, etc). I don't know too much about the diagnostic criteria around mania vs. mixed episodes but in my experience there are very clear mood states that I go through that impact every other part of my life and that seems like the common theme in bipolar disorder. What helped solidify my diagnosis was tracking my moods and energy levels for a few months and there was a very clear and regular wave that wasn't attached to other things like school stress or menstrual cycle.

In terms of mania vs. hyperfixations I don't have ADHD so I can't speak to what hyperfixations feel like but again I'd say that with mania the energy is attached to everything, not just one activity or interest. I go to work with that energy, it applies to everything I do, I come home still buzzing, I'm multitasking for days and I'm still energetic. Sometimes my mental energy will stretch farther than my physical energy but mania in general for me looks like 4+ days of acting out of character which includes exceeding my own physical boundaries in ways that catch up to me pretty dramatically once I crash.

I lived with a friend for a few years who had ADHD and BPD and we often had similar symptoms but they came from very different places and our experiences were very different! She had pretty consistent chaos caused by various triggers and therapy was helpful but meds not so much, where I had clear long cycles and medication was a huge game changer. In the end diagnosis is about finding tools that help you, so starting at that end can also help figure out what the causes are! So I'd recommend finding professionals that can help and experimenting with different options.

I read your post about trauma and I'm trying to make sense of my parents treatment of me as well as my own diagnoses. Is anxiety itself trauma? Or a result of trauma? Its the stress response itself not calming down. I think I was and am emotionally neglected. My parents are not sympathetic. I'm adhd anxiety depression my whole life. That post about learning new social situation techniques really resonated. What are the treatments for neglect? Besides plain old cbt and mindfulness and anti anxiety meds

Trigger warning: Child abuse, child neglect, emotional neglect

Anxiety can happen because of a wide variety of reasons, from medical to situational to genetic. It could happen out of the blue to a totally healthy adult. Or it might be a symptom of trauma and a bad childhood. PTSD used to be classified as a kind of anxiety disorder, but we now understand it's a lot more complicated.

I'm very sorry your family aren't sympathetic and don't get what's up with you. I want to make it very clear that it is not your fault that they aren't sympathetic.

It's not your fault for not explaining things clearly enough. It's not your fault for not being a more lovable child. It's not your fault for being emotional or oversensitive. It's not your fault for not communicating your needs in a way they can hear. Their treatment of you is not your fault.

That's important not just because it feels good to be absolved of blame. It's not a meaningless platitude. It's a nicer coating on what can sometimes be a very bleak truth. That truth is:

There is nothing you can do to make your family be sympathetic to you.

I am so, so, so sorry. You can spend your entire life turning backflips, you can learn interpretive dance, you can become the world's leading expert in your field, you can get hit by a car and find out you have cancer, you can be as sympathetic and understanding about their reasons for neglecting you as they could possibly want, you could do everything in your power to be a good child, and none of that will ever give you the power to make your parents be sympathetic to you and what you've been through.

Sometimes parents do learn and grow and change and work to repair the damage done while their kids were children. But that's because of their own issues and experiences and reasons, not because of anything their children have done. Many parents keep being oblivious and neglectful even when their children have become everything a parent could ever hope for.

Actually, an amazing number of my adult neurodivergent friends have had the absolutely excruciating experience of hearing their parents say, in essence, "Hey adult child! The other day someone I respect way more than you told me about [your condition], and I was astonished! They told me that thing you've been telling me for years, and it blew my mind. I now realize that this is a real part of your life! Wow, it sure would have made a difference if I'd done that thing you've been begging me to do for years now, huh? Hey, have you heard about this handy behavioural technique you've been doing every goddamn day of your adult life? It sounds like it would really help!"

Like, even if your parents ever Get It about your specific disorders and conditions, they're extremely likely to salvage their self-esteem by refusing to ever seriously acknowledge how much it's hurt that they've failed you.

And what that means is: You have to plan the rest of your life as if they will never be sympathetic.

That might mean never giving them any say over your medical care or personal life choices. It might mean not living with them, not turning to them when you need a supportive community, or not letting them play a large role in the lives of any children you yourself may have. It might mean having to build your own support network that doesn't include your family at all, because you can't count on them to care when you're in distress. It can really suck to have to keep giving up the dream that one day you'll be able to count on your family to nurture you emotionally, but I promise that it sucks less than being continually disappointed with no backup plan.

Researching emotional neglect can be really difficult because a lot of the best research psychology as a field has achieved on the topic comes from really extreme forms of neglect and abuse. Exactly the kind of neglect and abuse that society waves in the face of the "merely" emotionally neglected: "So what if you didn't get hugged enough! You had enough to eat, a roof over your head, and they never hit you! They weren't even mean or malicious! Stop whining!"

And... look, if you've just broken your legs and you're in a wheelchair, who would you rather learn about using a wheelchair from: someone who can easily walk everywhere all the time, or a double amputee who's been using a wheelchair for years? The first person can probably get around more easily, but the second one can tell you a lot more about the specific challenges and skills that will be central to this phase of your life.

That's the frame I propose for research: Your life might not have been as bad as the case studies you read (though it's probably worse than your family is willing to admit, because invalidation is itself a form of emotional neglect, and this is so common there's even a poem about it) but the issues they encounter and the skills they require are probably useful to you, too.

With that in mind, check out books about early childhood neglect and trauma like The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog by Bruce Perry, which talks about the parts of the brain and developmental stages that can be impaired by toxic stress in childhood, and the various forms of treatment that can address each one.

As far as CBT, remember to focus on behaviour, not just cognition. Reading about using touch to self-soothe is good, but less powerful than using that knowledge to find a blanket you love to touch, and wrapping yourself up in it whenever you're upset. Neglect means that you failed to get repeated, predictable experiences of being comforted. Healing therefore means getting that practice in as an adult: Creating thousands of daily, repetitive experiences of being cared about. Caring about yourself, and finding people who will care about you.

Maybe also give Dialectical Behaviour Therapy workbooks a try? They're designed for Borderline Personality Disorder, which can be seen as a specific subset of complex trauma. Like, if the effects of childhood abuse and neglect were a rainbow, BPD might be red-orange. But what makes DBT useful is that it has examined which skills and coping mechanisms vital to emotional health people with BPD most commonly weren't taught/never learned/need more practice on. The curriculum might not overlap completely with your own needs if you fall into the yellow, green, blue, or violet aspects of C-PTSD, but it's a good starting place when you're inventorying skills and habits you want to strengthen.

Good luck? I hope this helps!

ADHD Bitty headcanons

Now, i might be projecting but I've always seen a lot of myself in Eric, which is why one of my favorite omgcp headcanons is ADHD!Bitty.

So, here they are

Please add to them if you have some as well!

Eric got diagnosed fairly early, but still late enough that his early school years sucked

And even when he did get diagnosed his teachers either didn't care or had no idea of how to help him

And trying meds only led to really bad side effects so he quickly stopped

Safe to say he struggled a bit (and the bullying didn't help that issue either, together with the whole internalized homophobia thing and good lord, someone get this boy to therapy-)

However, as he got older he kept researching and eventually figured out where he struggled and how he could help himself deal

This is also how he got into vlogging because he saw this one youtuber with ADHD who helped him a bunch but that's a different story

Now to his ADHD

Eric has the more discreet kind of ADHD which means he's constantly in fear of people think he's faking it and doing things for attention because he passes as neurotypical most of the time

This also results in a lot of masking, to the point of where he doesn't even know he's doing it or how to stop it.

(Shitty helps him a lot with this by studying with him in either of their rooms and letting him experiment with unmasking and what unmasking actually looks like for Eric.)

(its a fun journey and he discovers that he actually stims quite a lot)

Eric is also one of those nd people who actually thrive listening to loud music

It helps him focus and he can't study without it

It also allows him to take a break from stimming which helps with doing assignment because more often than not his stims involve his hands (and you can't really write an assignment when you keep snapping your fingers and rotating your wrists in all possible directions)

Speaking of assignments

Executive dysfunction

There it is

The Big Bad gateway to self hatred and bad work ethics

Finishing assignments actually became such a struggle after his freshmen year that Eric decided to try meds again

Luckily for him, this time the side effects were much milder and they actually worked quite well for him

(The first day he took Adderal Ransom and Holster walked in on him crying while cleaning his room. It wasn't sad crying. It was oh-my-god-I-finished-my-assignment-baked-three-pies-AND-I-am-now-cleaning-my-room-I-have-never-been-this-productive-in-my-life-someone-hug-me type of crying)

Of course, the meds don't solve his problems, but they do help his overall regulation of his emotions and, for the most part, helps him keep deadlines

Now, he's still a very emotional person but at least now he doesn't have a burnout once every week

And his Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is still thriving as always

(his first year was really tough because of this. Jack meant well but it was a lot for Eric)

His hyperfixations include baking (obviously), Beyonce (also obviously), figure skating (he still keeps up with his favorites) and, funnily enough, history (His thesis was picked very carefully)

As mentioned before, Eric enjoys loud music and he's fairly okay with sounds (he thrives in the locker room and on the ice, as well as in the Haus where its never quiet), but textures both in food and fabrics are a Big Deal to him

Velvet blankets? Get that cursed witchcraft away from him

Mushrooms? He can and will spit them out

Chalk? Absolutely the fuck not

However, he's weirdly okay with touching styrofoam? And doesn't hate the sound of it rubbing together?

He likes it a lot when Chowder comes around

Chowder, his sweet handsome son, has absolutely raging ADHD, to the point where taking his daily meds is absolutely essential

Eric doesn't really have that problem, he can skip a day or two and still be fairly functioning

Chowder however-

Lets just say that him moving into the Haus was a very good thing because of supervision and people reminding him to take his meds

They bond a lot over their shared struggles, and Eric helps Chowder navigate school and hockey at the same time

This is getting off track, I can talk about ADHD!Chowder all day long

anyway

Shitty was the first person Eric told

The next day Shitty got him a stim toy and a t-shirt that had a picture of Raven from that's so Raven and text at the bottom that said "that's so ADHD"

Eric still wears it to sleep

The rest of the team reacted exactly the way Shitty told him they would, totally accepting

A few days after he told them Shitty came into his room with Jack in tow and smiled so wide while Jack said he was autistic himself so if Eric needed it he could borrow Jack's weighted blanket

After that day their relationship started to look like a friendship

And later when they finally began dating Eric got really good at revising his recipes while lying on top of Jack when he was having sensory overload, and Jack got really good at letting Eric stim with his fingers when he forgot his fidget cube

Okay I'm gonna stop

But I might add to it later

Please add something yourself if you want to!

Thanks for reading!

A theory I have seen is that Fuyumi wants the family back so desperately, because she and Toya experienced the better Endeavor, where everything was alright. My guess is that after his decent into abuse its stopped being like a normal family and Natsuo and Shoto never experienced a normal family. But that is just a therory

okay so speaking as someone who grew up with an abusive and neglectful parent (though in my case it was my mom rather than my dad)... it’s complicated. there are a lot of emotions there. I think one of the things Horikoshi has really excelled at with the whole Todoroki plot is the way that he’s used the four siblings to show the different ways that children respond to parental abuse. and I can say from personal experience that all of them are valid. not just the bitterness, anger, and resentment that Touya, Natsuo, and Shouto have all shown at times, but also that intense (but tentative, almost wishful-thinking) longing to just have a normal family that we see from Fuyumi. speaking again from experience, that last one isn’t an outlier at all. in fact, in my case, I’d say that was honestly the strongest feeling out of all of them, and it even fueled a lot of the other three emotions. btw just a heads up I’m gonna delve into some personal stuff here briefly, so yeah. I won’t put details, but if anyone wants an abuse trigger warning added to the post or anything like that, just let me know.

so the thing is, even during my angriest times, if some magic wish-granting genie had poofed in and told the child me, “’sup, I’m here to solve all of your family problems, just tell me what you want me to do,” I wouldn’t have wanted them to take my mom away and lock her up somewhere and make her suffer or anything like that. honestly, even during the worst of it, the thing I wanted more than anything else was just to have a normal family. my mom had a lot of untreated mental health issues, and it was basically a situation where you never knew which version of her you were going to get on any given day. so there were times when she was a kind and loving mother who took care of me and my siblings. and there were a great many more times when she was temperamental and erratic, and we all (my dad included) basically just walked on eggshells around her and did our best to lay low and try not to bother her because even little things might set her off, and we never knew how she was going to react. and my dad worked a lot, and my sibs and I were homeschooled for reasons which I’m not gonna get into because this post is already veering off on too many tangents, but anyway so the short of it is that my sibs and I grew up in this unstable environment and ended up more or less raising ourselves. and I resented my mom a lot for that, growing up, and I still do honestly.

now a lot’s happened since then, and she’s gotten some help, and my siblings and I are all adults now and we’re more or less good, even though we all took a certain amount of Psychic Damage along the way and we’re each still dealing with that. and we each have different relationships with our mom now, and a couple of my sibs are even fairly close to her. but for my part, I pretty much have no relationship with her at all outside of seeing her a few times a year at family get-togethers and the like. the thing is, even though my mom did eventually (after a LOT of false starts and struggles and heartache) get some help, she’s never really shown remorse for what my siblings and I went through because of her. she’s never taken responsibility for any of it. she blames a lot of other people, and will go on long rants about all of the terrible things that have happened to her and all of the horrible ways people have treated her (some of which is true, and some of which very much is not). but there’s never even the slightest acknowledgement of any of the things she herself has done to hurt others. she either passes the blame or just pretends it never happened. 

and honestly, it sucks. even now, there’s little to no real desire to change on her part. she’s gotten therapy and meds now, and so emotionally she’s much more stable than when we were kids, but one of the unfortunate results is that it’s all the more clear now that a lot of her behavior never had anything to do with her mental illness at all. she just didn’t care at all about how she was hurting others; or at the very least, didn’t care to face it. and that’s just how it is.

anyway, so I’m sorry to keep breaking away and telling you guys my own life story lol. but the point I’m trying to get at here is that I actually relate to Fuyumi so much, though. what I wanted more than anything was for my mom to care, and to say she was sorry, and for me to be able to believe that and to trust her, and for her to actually change. that was it.

and so for me, here’s the biggest difference between the Endeavor situation, and my own and so many others. the difference is that unlike people in real life, we know Endeavor is actually remorseful for what he’s done. we know it for certain because we’ve seen it for ourselves, from his own point of view. the manga actually lets us get inside his head and shows us that he really is sincere, that he really is sorry, and that he really is trying to change. and that’s something that’s impossible to get in real life. that certainty that the person really means it, that they’re genuinely remorseful and committed to making amends.

and for me, that’s fucking wish fulfillment right there. for the abusive parent to finally realize the error of their ways and be sorry and try to do right by their kids. I fucking wanted that. hell, I still want it, even though I’ve made my peace with things the way that they are. that chance to somehow heal the broken relationship, and have your parent genuinely try their best to be a real parent to you, even if it’s years after the fact? shit. I’d take that in a heartbeat.

and so when it comes to Fuyumi and her attempts to get her family to reconcile and experience a few normal things, I f feel that. I really do. because when you’re growing up in that type of situation, normal is all that you want. and I don’t think it’s anything that requires an explanation on her part, because it’s not actually an unusual reaction at all. it’s natural. it’s the most natural thing in the world. honestly it’s annoying that fandom sometimes tries to shame her for having those feelings. like honestly, fuck that. because the thing is, I’d wager that almost every kid who grew up with an abusive parent has at some time or other felt the exact same way.

and that includes Touya, Natsuo, and Shouto as well. literally the only difference between them and Fuyumi is that they feel that Endeavor’s change of heart is simply coming too late. it’s not that they don’t want their family back, just like she does; it’s that from their point of view, it’s something they can’t get back. for Fuyumi, that dream of having a normal family is something she’s still seeking. for Natsuo and Touya, that dream of having a normal family is something that was destroyed. something that Endeavor killed. something they’re in mourning of. and so Touya wants revenge for it, and Natsuo is trying to pick himself up and move past it. and meanwhile Shouto is caught somewhere in the middle of all of those reactions, because he’s still trying to decide whether or not he can ever bring himself to trust his father again. he’s somewhere in between his brothers’ mourning and his sister’s hopefulness. sort of a Schrodinger type of deal lol.

but anyway, the point I’m trying to make here is that all four siblings are really experiencing the same thing, just in different ways. Fuyu may be the one arranging family dinners and the like, but that same longing to be part of a normal family is at the core of Natsuo, Shouto, and even Touya’s behavior as well. Natsuo’s hurt and resentment, and Touya’s spite and bitterness, come from being denied the thing they want. and Fuyu’s shaky attempts at reconciliation come from her desire to still obtain it somehow. but at the end of the day they’re the exact same feelings. and they all come from the same place.

anyways, hopefully that makes some kind of sense. basically, everyone is valid. Fuyu is valid, Natsu and Shouto are valid, and Touya is murdery which isn’t cool, but his feelings are still valid too nonetheless. hugs and therapy for the Todoroki children in 2021, Horikoshi. please and thank you.