When I first started thinking I might be autistic I would ask my friends and family what they thought. I always got some form of “but you don’t have a schedule” or “you don’t do routines”.

This morning I was getting ready for the day and declared that I wasn’t going to wash my hair because I didn’t want to deal with it. What was the first thing I did upon entering the shower? Get out my shampoo because that’s the way I start a shower. So I was caught standing in the shower with a fistful of shampoo trying to decide if I should waste the not-so-cheap shampoo or just cave and wash my hair.

Then I was getting dressed and I picked up my top. I was immediately repulsed by the idea of putting it on before my jeans and threw it on my bed. Why? Because pants go first.

Being labeled as smart but weird as a child -> getting diagnosed with ADHD as an adult

i think vocaloid is actually exclusively for autistic people no i will not be taking comments at this time

i was doing really well but have now fallen into an executive functioning doom hole once again.

i'm noticing this happens when i try too hard to be neurotypical. why do i keep doing this? probably because i thought i was neurotypical for 25 years and still have that mindset about things ughhh

I have a poem being published in an upcoming anthology which is a very cool and big deal for me!

Right to Life is a reclamation of a phrase that's often been welded against the same people who have to fight for the space to survive in our society.

It's being published by indie publishing company, Folkways Press. They have an Indiegogo campaign running until September 25th to help fund publishing.

This is hugely validating for me as a queer chicanx writer and I'm really passionate about this project. Please consider donating and sharing to support independent literature and marginalized voices!

One of the fun parts about being medically treated for ADHD for the first time, as an adult, is playing "Is this a terrible side effect or is this how normal people feel".

Good times.

i love this pic of @blackcr0wking & i from summer 2014 & here's why:

a) we look very similar! they look like their dad more often than like me 😊 so when i see images like this, my heart does lil pops; 2) it wasn't a posed/forced selfie; & the biggest:

we BOTH are at social limit/max out here; it was a 4th of july party at a neighbor/friend's house. both are un-dx'd a(u)dhd & masking probably 100% in life or near that.

but i can see US here.

it's important to note i was an alcoholic here; tho the worst of it wouldn't rear up for 1 more year, i WAS to a point at this time that i did annoy/embarrass people. 😔

my tx'ist said while this doesn't excuse shit of my behaviour then (her words!), drinking was how i coped w/ masking. in life prior to drinking, it was online RP, or pulling up music & daydreaming to it.

despite all that, & non-judgmentally accepting all that about myself... i 926% love this picture of us.

i love US. ✨️💜🐛

adhd thoughts - adult diagnosed

I have been learning more about ADHD since my recent diagnosis, and though it doesn’t totally make it easier, I now have some better ways of understanding a bunch of things in my life that always felt awful. 

For example, I’ve been having a really rough time these past few days with shame. I’ve been feeling like the worst person in the world — all for a couple of relatively small but careless mistakes I made. 

And it’s just... a lot to process that maybe I’ve developed this unrelenting shame response because of a lifetime of untreated ADHD. That maybe it’s out of proportion, yes, but there’s a reason why. And it’s LOGICAL. It’s because without the lifetime of unrelenting shame, I simply am not capable of meeting other people’s expectations of conscientious behavior. I’ve had to beat myself up as an attempt to make up for a disability. And that’s just like... FUCK. Sorrowful and freeing all at once. Because it means I’m not a bad person on purpose.

Ah yes, getting diagnosed as autistic as an adult is hitting me like a truck

ADHD/Autism Diagnosis as an adult, part 5

Part 4 can be found here.

Appointment number 3 with the neuropsych was super exciting for me because it was medication day!

I normally don't talk about the specifics of my meds, but in this case it's important. I'm not advocating for any specific medication, or for medication in general, but this is my experience. If you need meds to keep your brain from exploding, please take meds. They really do help, even though they can be scary to contemplate!

So, to recap: I went to my doctor for my extreme and long lasting fatigue, which has been causing things like brain fog, difficulty understanding/remembering instructions, short term memory loss, etc. Because I have both fatigue and insomnia, she suggested I get tested for ADHD.

The neuropsych diagnosed me with mild ADHD with very low dopamine, and autism. Because I was hesitant to start a new brain med with everything going on, we waited until appointment 3 of 4 do discuss medication. We did talk about options a little bit earlier on, and I explained why I was hesitant: I already take medication for anxiety/depression, so I want something that's going to play nice with those meds. Second, because of my sleep issues, I didn't want to start on a stimulant until my sleep was under control because I didn't want to mess things up further. He listened, understood, and agreed with my concerns, so we put medication on hold for the time being.

This process started on January 1. December 1, my energy levels just crashed and took my immune system with it. I had zero energy and got sick twice between Christmas and the first week of January. I put my writing and creative work on hiatus until further notice because I just had no energy and couldn't meet any kind of deadlines. All I wanted to do was sleep. I felt like trash.

Between appointments 2 and 3 I had a brainwave that made me feel like an absolute idiot: A big chunk of my sleep problems were caused by sensory issues. I made some changes to my bedding, night clothes, and general sleep set up, and it helped a lot. It's not perfect. I'm not where I want to be. But I feel a lot better and can do more than I could in December.

But back to the meds. Because I was feeling both desperate for relief and more stable than I was before, I felt ready to start a new medication. Essentially, there are 2 options for ADHD: Stimulants (like Ritalin) and "off label" meds. These off label meds are usually designed for depression, but because they increase dopamine levels they also help with ADHD, which is exacerbated by low dopamine. I'm already taking Lexapro, which increases serotonin levels. We didn't want to mess with the Lexapro since it's working, so he suggested adding Stelara, which is the med that plays nicest with Lexapro. I was still worried about things like mood swings or severe reactions that might impact my day job--I'm already having trouble with details, focus, etc, and didn't want them to get even worse.

We spent most of the 30 minute appointment going over the side effects, what to look out for, and how to manage them. Most of the side effects are things I'm either already experiencing due to my chronic illness. The main dangers to look out for were extreme jumps or drops in blood pressure. The rest of the side effects were typically temporary and are supposed to go away after a week or two. The medication itself could take a few days to a month to reach full effectiveness.

We decided the smartest course of action was to start me on a half dose (25mg) for 2 weeks, and then go up to the recommended 40mg at our next appointment.

So far I've been on this new med for about 4 days. The only side effect I've noticed is that it's even harder than usual to regulate my body temperature (I can go from freezing when I'm sitting still to being covered in sweat the instant I move), but that's the only side effect I seem to have. I can't judge my sleep too well because my cat has been an asshole for the last four nights and keeps waking me up for food at 4am, so it's hard to judge things like quality of sleep or fatigue levels.

I am open to adding a stimulant later on, but I want to get some other things evened out first since most of the people I know who have issues with ADHD meds have them with the stimulants. Also, right now meds like Ritalin are hard to get, so I really don't need the headache of withdrawal symptoms or trying to find a pharmacy with it in stock. Hopefully in a few months my sleep will be better, my fatigue will improve, and the inventory issues will clear up, and we can talk about it more then.

So that's where things are. I have 1 more regular appointment, and then we're going to schedule a follow up for some point in the future. I know I was super lucky to get a GP and a neuropsych who have been so great, and that isn't the experience of everyone in this boat. I hope that if you are considering or are trying to get a diagnosis, you get providers who have been as great as these two (trust me, I've dealt with some shit doctors in the past few months, including one who flat out refused to see me).

As always, I'm happy to answer any questions.

Getting a diagnosis finally broke the spell my parents had put on me for my whole life. The spell that said it’s rude to be on your phone at dinner or to wear ear plugs/headphones around others. Getting diagnosed finally let me seek out accommodations to make me more comfortable in a world that isn’t built for my autistic brain. It helped me know that it’s okay to not make eye contact with strangers and that I can wear pajama pants all day if I want because the fabric is Right. I am disabled. This society isn’t built for people like me, but I can make my little corner of it a little more bearable.

What was it like when you found out you had EDS? I just got diagnosed with EDS this week

I got diagnosed when I was 5 years old so I don’t really remember. I just know I started getting some help at school and started seeing physios and a paediatric doctor who actually knew about EDS. I also did 2 weeks intensive physio in hospital when I was 7 (I think) just to try and get me more on track.

When I was younger I prayed to God to never be a boring adult and God responded with adult ADHD

when people say oh theres plenty of fish in the see theres other people that will appreciate your "quirks" bla bla its always the most normal people youve ever met and you're always a bit like. You do not know how Quirky I am Caroline. No one else will tolerate me. Especially if ur a bit mentally ill and or lgbt and or neurodivergent lol

BUT im here as a Certified Insane Autistic Person to tell you that there's more than one person out there for you. more than one person will want to repeat your weird little noises back at you. more than one person will want to go and see your model railways with you more than one person will be interested in u infodumping about hatsune miku. more than one person wont be phased when you pick off your scab and eat it more than one person will understand when u say u dont really like being touched during sex more than one person will Get your weird little mannerisms and wont question why you keep putting coins in ur mouth and will get excited abt ur niche tv show with you and will understand when you get triggered by something completely random. more than one person will agree with ur hot takes more than one person wont hate you for whatever you did. More than one person will want to hold your old photos with the same care you would. More than one person will understand you. More than one person will love you, all of you, all of silly, unfiltered, unapologetic you.

oh my god and more than one person wont give a shit abt ur weird kink or fetish. if youre worried abt that. i promise.

we are so capable of love.... we are so, so capable of love. and there are so many people who want to love you.

like i tutor and like sharing my knowledge and teaching (it's a spin of mine) but i have to mask so much. idk if pursuing a career in education is worth it? but i love it ughhh

ADHD does not only affect individuals during childhood. It persists into adulthood, often unrecognized, impacting various aspects of life. Established mental health care services in Upper Marlboro, Maryland, can provide the proper guidance to illuminate paths to effective management. Below, we outline the pivotal challenges adult ADHD poses and potential avenues for intervention.