#im tired of it and i want to sleep and wake up without anxiety and depression bit i cant.
Note
By work do you mean your job or commissions?
Oh, I mean my job. These commissions have nothing to do w/ my stress, they're scribbles and they're limited and I didn't underprice myself as much as last time + I've been doing them at a very steady pace. Commissions are good.
#im still underpricing myself tho i gotta work on that#anonymous#asks#im always referring to my store job when im talking abt work stressing me#yall have no idea. no fucking clue the things i have to put up with#i can write a novel on all the bullshit i deal with and it wouldnt be enough#i am so tired. i am so tired and shaky all the time and i am so stressed#i keep waking up with dozens of hives! if i even sleep at all#the worst part is that i barely get paid enough to buy my own groceries#let alone gas and bills#sometimes i just dont eat anything for a couple days bc i want to save money#i used to be able to get a cameo once a month#now i cant buy a t-shirt on etsy without having an anxiety attack#girl files for bankruptcy after buying one (1) bebop t-shirt
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LAST TIME
“this is the last time i’m asking you this, put my name on the top of your list”
pairing: fiancé!seungmin x reader
genre: angst
warnings: idol seungmin x non idol reader, cursing, crying, fighting (verbally ofc), not proofread and i think that’s it
a/n: this was initially written for bangchan but i changed it hehe, im sorry to always make you suffer i just love angst 😔
now playing: last time by taylor swift
— 시작
another sleepless night waiting for seungmin to arrive home. you knew he was working, he worked so, so hard, but sometimes you needed a little bit of comfort too. he didn’t feel like your boyfriend anymore, for the past month he hadn’t been your lovely significant other, he was just someone you occasionally saw around the house and hardly ever woke up next to.
it was heartbreaking to think he didn’t love you anymore like he used to. you couldn’t remember the last time you even touched each other in a meaningful way. it had been months since you had sex and probably weeks since you last kissed. you remember it so well, you both would kiss until you lips hurt, sang your favorite songs at the top of your lungs in midnight and stargazed until you fell asleep on each other.
pain. grief. that was all you could feel. that was all you had felt for the past month and it was getting tiring.
“don’t wait for me awake” he told you many times, but you wanted to spend at least a little bit of time with him, so you forced yourself to stay awake until he arrived, and that drove him mad.
since he proposed to you and you moved in together, it felt as if he didn’t want to see you outside your house. as if it was enough for him to share a bed. he didn’t take you on dates, he didn’t call you special pet names. it seemed like all his feelings disappeared, and you were terrified.
03:39 a.m, he still wasn’t there. your eyes now felt heavy and you thought that it was time to sleep, but a sudden wave of anxiety and fear hit you and your eyes filled with tears. you allowed yourself to cry, to let everything you’ve been hiding out.
the door opened, silently, seungmin trying not to wake you up. what he didn’t know is that you were more than awake.
he opened the bedroom door only to hear your silent cry. he stayed there, not knowing what to do. as you hadn’t been as close, he didn’t know how to comfort you anymore. after seconds of thinking, he decided to just stay by your side without saying a word. you felt the other side of the bed heavier, meaning he laid there. next to you. without touching you or comforting you.
you were so, so tired of this happening. you didn’t want to say anything, you really didn’t, but without meaning to, you exploded.
“you enjoy watching me cry?” you whispered, staring at him with no fear. you knew he didn’t, but maybe it didn’t bother him either
“what are you talking about?” he asked shyly, barely daring to look at you. you laughed ironically and rolled your eyes to show your disappointment,
you took a few seconds to make sure you really wanted what you were about to say, and you decided yes, you were sure. you took off your promise ring and took his hand – the first contact you had in weeks – to leave it there. he looked at it, unsure if he understood it right. you couldn’t be doing that, right? no, thus couldn’t be happening he repeated in his head again and again, but not even one word dared to escape his lips. instead, his eyes watered slowly, watching every move you made. you stood up and walked to the living room, he instantly followed you.
“what? y/n, what do you mean by this?” he insisted
“i mean just what you’re thinking” you stated “i don’t want to marry you, seungmin”
his name felt so dry on your lips now, his heart froze.
“what? why? was it too early? we can postpone it, don’t worry…” he tried to fix it, he tried to pretend he didn’t know the reason but of course he did.
you cut him off instantly “you know damn well why” you simply answered, letting him think. you couldn’t say much more, you would break down if you tried
“no- why are you doing this to me?” he yelled, following you as you walked around the house. when you stopped, he also did right in front of you and you had to see his crystallized eyes, they showed so much pain, but you wouldn’t believe it after all he did
“to you?! i’m the one doing something to you, seungmin? am i hurting you?” you yelled “for three weeks you don’t bother touching me, asking me how my day was, nothing at all! and i’m the one hurting you? you arrive past midnight in a bad mood, only to sleep peacefully without even saying goodnight! how do you settle with just sharing a fucking bed?! how on earth is that enough for you?!” you screamed, looking at his eyes. embarrassment was shown in his, while his lower lip trembled a little
“you don’t care, do you? you don’t give a single shit for my feelings or anyone else’s! you’re just like everyone else” you continued to scream with all the energy left in you while he just looked at you speechless. the sadness and loneliness suddenly hit you and the tears started falling as you calmed down a little “i don’t even know if you love me anymore” you said with a cracked voice, trying to hold yourself from crying, but you couldn’t
“y/n–“ he tried to talk, but of course, you didn’t let him.
“and the worse part is that i love you. i love you so much, seungmin, but i am just so tired” you breathed out. “so tired of eating dinner alone a-and watching you treat everyone else so nicely when you act like i’m not here, and i’m so tired of… everything. i’m tired of this. i love you, i really did want to marry you, but it’s getting tiring to wait for you until midnight…”
“i told you not to wait for me” he interrupted you
“this is not about fucking waiting! you’re not here seungmin, nor physically or emotionally!” you screamed again, regretting it right after when you saw tears falling down his cheeks “i’ve asked to many times to put me on the top of your list and you just… disappear again, and again, and again”
“and i am struggling so much, but you don’t care enough to notice. you didn’t even care when i was crying…” you whispered
“i did care but you were-“ he tried to talk, but you didn’t let him.
“no you fucking didn’t! you have no fucking excuses seungmin. despite all the things i’ve done for you, everything i’ve risked you still don’t care! i am tired of being strong and i’m tired of acting like i don’t care when behind closed doors this is all i feel! i feel trapped!” you screamed “it’s not your fault seungmin but i miss you, i miss my boyfriend, the boy who asked me to marry him, i miss who you used to be, and i know it’s hurtful to hear but it’s true. you’re not here for me. i just want you to realize i’m in pain, seung. do you love me?” you asked
“y/n, calm do-“
“do you fucking love me anymore? you don’t! you don’t love me you’re just faking it! you’re a fucking pretender” you pointed at him “liar! you’re a liar, look at what you’ve done! i hate you! i hate you so fucking much!” you index was now hitting his chest and you suddenly collapsed into his arms, as if all the anger you once felt had disappeared, you just needed him close.
you cried in his arms while you heard his quiet sobs, you waited for him to answer. though, after all you said, you wouldn’t be surprised if he hated you now.
after a few seconds, you started to feel desperate when he didn’t answer. maybe he was mad at you. you pulled away and looked in his eyes.
“i don’t-“
he interrupted you “i’m so sorry, y/n…” seungmin muttered “i didn’t… i-i… i’m so sorry…”
“seungmin… i didn’t mean it” you said, feeling regret from every hurtful word you said to him “i don’t hate you…”
“i know, y/n. i’m so sorry, i- didn’t expect you to be in so much pain, it’s my fault”
“it’s not, you didn’t know” you tried to defend him
“it is. i’m sorry, i promise you this won’t happen again, i promise will be fine please- please just stay with me”
…
“always”
#skz#straykids#ficcidio#stray kids#kpop#skz fluff#stray kids x reader#seungmin#seungmin x reader#seungmin angst#seungmin fluff
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hi Gigi! how about number 2 for the prompt game?
Hi! If you had sent this ask yesterday morning, I would still be in a happy weekend mood and you might get a cute story about Mickey getting attacked by a swarm of bees on a picnic date or something, but unfortunately im answering this on my lunch break, so enjoy the emo vibes
2. Hey, hey, calm down. They can’t hurt you anymore.
The nightmares only started after Terry died.
Before, Ian liked to joke that Mickey was a professional sleeper. He’d lay down and be sucked into a deep, dark unconsciousness within minutes. He was a peaceful sleeper, curled up on his side and breathing softly through his nose.
On the rare nights when sleep was evading Ian for completely normal reasons, the way it had since he was a kid and stayed up all night worrying about how to tell Fiona he needed new shoes, he’d learned that just being in Mickey’s presence was like a melatonin ooze. He could wrap himself gently around Mickey’s plaint form and bury his face between Mickey’s shoulder blades, aligning his breathing with his boyfriend’s until sleep claimed him.
But the night they found Terry sitting pathetically with a bag over his head, Mickey fell asleep like normal but shot up and out of Ian’s hold after just a hour or so, miraculously not waking his sleeping husband.
He’d huffed out uncertainly, reaching up to this own chest to feel his racing heartrate. His hands were shaking, and he could feel a headache coming on, so he got out of bed to splash some water on his face.
Mickey got good at sneaking out of their bed without waking Ian, so good that it wasn’t until Spring was fully blooming and Ian was careening into a seasonal manic episode and they decided to see his doctor about the next day when Ian noticed at all.
He was awake most of the night, mind racing beyond his usual anxiety, and counted a total of 5 times that Mickey woke up during the night.
Sometime before dawn, Ian finally confronted him about it.
“You’re not sleeping, are you?”
Mickey shrugged evasively.
“Is that why you’ve been so…” moody, sullen, miserable for the last month or so since you found Terry.
“Could be” Mickey responded evasively, staring up at the ceiling.
Ian leaned over and finally turned on their bedside lamp, silently admitting that neither of them were getting anymore sleep that night.
“What’d you think is wrong?” Ian asked curiously, laying back down with his head propped up on one hand shielding Mickey’s body with his own as his husband ran both hands roughly down his face, scratching satisfyingly against his couple days old stubble.
Ian waited patiently for a response, knowing it would come.
“Shitty dreams” Mickey finally admitted quietly. “Terry, and my uncles, and my oldest brothers - the ones who died. And Mandy, she’s there sometimes.”
“Memories? Or is it just-” Ian asked hesitantly.
“Yeah” Mickey said, licking his lips. “Memories that are all mushed together, but I’m around - I don’t know, 8 or 9 in all of them.”
“Why’re you a kid?” Ian asked confusedly.
“I have no fuckin’ idea,” Mickey answered. He sounded so incredibly tired, just soaked in bone-deep exhaustion that had him on the verge of frustrated tears. “I broke my hand when I was 8, and my hand’s broken in all the dreams. It’s broken and it-it hurts so bad, Ian-”
“Hey, hey, calm down. They can’t hurt you anymore.” Ian hushed, bringing his hand down to sooth the heated skin at Mickey’s temples, like the could root out where the pressure was building.
Mickey finally looked at him, “what are they doing right now?”
His husbands words gutted Ian, and all he could could do is lean over and kiss Mickey’s forehead, pulling the two of them closer together. He got confirmation when Mickey took the opportunity to wrap his arms around Ian’s waist, keeping him close.
“When I go to the doctor today, we should see if he’ll talk to you. See if we can get you some sleeping pills.”
“I don’t want to-”
“Not forever” Ian cut off. “But you need some sleep. You’ve been miserable for a while now, haven’t you?”
Mickey didn’t respond, but Ian could feel him nod.
“Okay, so we get you something to get you to sleep for a while and hopefully once you’re better rested and your nerves aren’t so fried the nightmares go away.”
Mickey nodded again, then he spoke so quietly Ian barely heard it.
“I hate this.”
Ian took a steadying breath, staring out their bedroom window as the sky lit up in a light pink color. His chest ached and for the first time he understood what it meant to have your heart living outside of your body.
“I know” he said soothingly, feeling Mickey sag slightly against him. “’m sorry.”
“I love you.”
Sorry 😭 I hope you liked it <3
Prompt Game Fun
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bats my pretty eyelashes at you
Sen I have a request!!
Im still sick could I mayhaps have some agnsty comfort headcannons with my fave boys Sanemi and Rengoku?
Thank you Sen!! 🫶🏾
-🍷
mayhaps you absolutely can anon! i present to you:
𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐒/𝐎 𝐆𝐞𝐭𝐬 𝐒𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬!
includes ;; sanemi, rengoku, gn!reader
content ;; angst, hurt/comfort
a/n ;; i flatlined writing this so- anyway, considering i had no idea how to start these for a good minute; i think they're pretty good (!?) also sorry for writing so much (wanted to get it just right)so i can hope?
☆☆☆ # sanemi shinazugawa !
gets nervous. extremely nervous- and angry, to the point that he's shaking with anxiety.
at first, the sight of you bedridden makes him frown. and he'll do it often too.
he's lost a ton of people he cares about, your not going to be next.
although he tries to act angry, or short with you sometimes. . . its just to cover up the fact that he's terrified of losing you. (or the prospect of it)
he'd like to be next to you at any given moment, grabbing you warm food and tucking you in to the point you can't squirm out. anything. but he just- he can't
hell, he'd take the pain from you if he could, without an ounce of hesitation. . . but he can only watch and wait. . . until you get better.
but most times he physically can't be there.
the nights he has to be away from you, he's carrying out missions for the corps and cutting/beating down anyone that gets in his way.
everyone feels his uncertainty and rage:
in the way he overkills those poor lesser demons, the way he shoves the kakushi out of his way, and going as far as fighting another hashira over it
like his violent outbursts- it's literally out of his control, on top of the fact that he can barely care for you himself when you need him most.
what was the point of getting so strong? those years of training. what was the point if he was so helpless?
when he gets the chance too (after a long night of work that has his muscles seizing) he'll climb into bed with you and just hold you.
listening to your unsteady breathing, and when he's sure your in a deep sleep, he'll cry.
soundlessly, but his body is shuddering with silent pain. . . and he's trying not to let his tears fall on you but. . . he's really:
❛sorry. i'm so sorry❜
eventually, he feels he owes it to you to explain all of his frustrations, and worries.
he waits until you wake up, waiting the whole night without budging or even thinking about falling asleep.
and when you wake up, he whispers it to you, hugging you tightly so you can't see his eyes watering up or his teeth grinding against each other. he feels like an entire idiot explaining it to you.
afterwards, takes a deep (shaky) breath and kisses you tiredly. who cares if he gets sick too, he's too tired to care.
☆☆☆ # kyojuro rengoku !
he's been around sickness.
he knows the signs. and he knows how to treat most things; come fevers, chills, aches, he can handle it.
what he can't handle, is how it makes him so uneasy.
when you get sick, its one of the few times you ever see him so serious and solemn.
feeding you, helping you bathe, cuddling up to you for body heat and comfort. anything you need, he'll try to be a whim away.
kyojuro knows a bad morale won't do any good for you, so, like always, he'll try to be the ray of sunshine you need. . .
but it breaks his heart every time.
when your sore throat breaks, when you groan from the aches, wince at the pain in your head. . . the fact you can never be comfortable despite everything he tries.
you'll see it too. in his face. the slight knot in his brows, the way his lips are pressed tightly together.
he's just so helpless, forced to watch and wait while your health is on the line.
kyojuro goes in and out of your room, fetching water for you, or soup- whatever helpful excuse he can make up- to go somewhere quiet and cry his heart out.
like the snap of his fingers, he's a little kid all over again. it reminds him so much of his mother.
its hard to pull himself together. he's rarely cried so hard before, so he sucks at covering it up. (his eyes would be puffy and his nose a little runny) at that point you'd think he was sick too
he always tries to hold you hand, squeezing you palm tightly in his. and he hopes its as reassuring to you as it is to him.
because he needs it to.
falls asleep next to you from exhaustion. (he's sitting next to you, head resting on the mattress) and somehow wakes up at the slightest noise you make-- despite his ear being partially deaf.
he always goes the extra mile to get your medicine, dedicated to you and your health.
tries to remind himself that it will be okay (and he tells you that often to) but it can hardly shake the worry and dread off his heart.
#kny#imagines#kimetsu no yaiba#demon slayer#anon ask#anon request#headcanon#x reader#reader insert#headcannons#hcs#angst#angstt#angsttt#x you#x gn reader#x y/n#the tags are trying to make me say fluff but i refuse#kyojuro rengoku#kny rengoku#kny kyojuro#sanemi shinazugawa#kny sanemi#kyojuro rengoku x reader#sanemi x reader#sick#hurt/comfort
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I know this kinda troupe has been done time and time again but I need more
With Jake cause I’m having a Jake down bad
Some people love storms some people hate them fear and amazement for the same act of nature to sides of the same coin your somewhere it the middle your not deathly afraid of storms and you enjoy seeing the lightning but the thunder you can do without
You jump every time something loud takes you by surprise you startle easy and when the storm picks up wind and it starts to rain that’s when you show fear when the power goes out that’s when you can’t sleep
Jake the ever loving mother hen protector and care giver he is would swoop right in rush home (but safely cause the roads are bad and you’d worry more) but he makes it home and would get you into warm clothes (his) and would play crib with you and make you tea (before the power went out)
He would light all the candles and hold you under the blankets he would distract you with your favourite songs on the acoustic and play them for you as many times as you wanted he’d even eat up time trying to teach you some of the easier ones and surprise you with new songs the storm still raging outside your bundled up in his sweats and hoodie but when the time comes to go to sleep and the candles get blown out and the storm is still so loud you can’t help the anxiety he would hold you and tickle you and play with your hair till you fall asleep but when you can’t stay asleep and one particularly loud bang of thunder rattles the house and a tree branch hitting the window wakes you up you can’t imagine how you’ll get back to sleep Jake would wake soon after he feels you tossing and turning and soothes you but to no avail you can’t sleep and he can’t make you more tea so he would sooth your nerves the one way that’s tried and true that he knows will work the fastest
That’s right …Jake fucks you back to sleep …
And he would give you orgasm after orgasm till your so fucked out you just want to close your eyes and fall asleep your satisfied and soothed and pleasured and he makes you feel safe and the chemical release from the sex would put you right at ease to fall asleep and stay asleep your body exhausted and he would cuddle you up not even the next crack of thunder would stir you
👀
It’s fluff but with SMUT the best kind anyways do what y’a will with that Im gunna keep sending you my dirty ass thoughts that consume me until you get tired of me and tell me to shut up 🫶🏼
I DON’T KNOW HOW I MISSED THIS BUT CHRIST-
I need it. I need him. This is so sweet and horny all at ones i can’t do this 😵💫😩
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Voice by aluminumoxynitride
Rated General, 1500 words, Venli/Leshwi
Venli and Leshwi have a heartfelt conversation before reaching the Listener camp.
It was the night before they were set to reach the Listener camp, and Venli couldn't sleep.
Timbre pulsed calming rhythms inside her, hoping to smooth her tangled thoughts, but it was a lost cause. By the time Honor's moon rose Venli had had enough. She mumbled an apology to her spren, then thrashed her way out of her bedroll and made her way to the cookfire. It was the middle of the night; surely no one else would bother her there.
The flames had burned down to embers, but Venli could see well enough in the blue moonlight. A tall figure sat by the fire-- one of the other shanay-im.
No, she realized, attuning Surprise. It was Leshwi.
Venli had rarely seen her Lady sit-- for the barber, and that was all-- and she'd never seen her sit like this, curled into herself like a rockbud in the sun, shoulders sloped and limbs held loose. She was holding a bottle; Venli saw it glimmer in the dying firelight as she took a long pull. She backed away, moving as silently as she could to Embarrassment's beat.
Not silently enough. Leshwi glanced up. For a moment Venli attuned Anxiety, waiting to be reprimanded, but the Fused merely waved her over.
May as well, Venli thought, and settled next to her on the stones.
"I keep wanting to burn it off," Leshwi said to Derision-- towards herself, Venli realized with a start as her powers translated each nuance of her voice and rhythm. Leshwi's self-assurance was one of the few constants in Venli's life. In a lot of ways, she'd built herself upon that rock. Seeing Leshwi like this was unnerving. Why did she have to do this now, the night before Venli's reckoning?
Timbre pulsed admonishment. I know, Venli thought to Reconciliation. She tugged awkwardly at a crease in her robe. "The wine?"
Leshwi hummed to Mourning. "It's instinct. Seven thousand years of instinct. Eventually I'll slip up. I'll heal a scrape without thinking about it, or my body will fight off an illness on its own, or any number of little things, and one day I'll wake up and find I've lost the skies."
Venli attuned Mourning, humming with her. Voidlight came directly from Odium, and Leshwi was almost certainly cut off. What would it be like to have something for millennia and then lose it? "We could find some way to get you more. You'd only need a little bit."
She leaned back in her seat-- by the songs, it was strange to see her move like that, liquid and slow-- and drank again. "Don't," she said to Command, but so, so tired. "Not interested."
Venli felt her face grow warm, her pulse thrumming to Abashment. "Sorry," she said, and stood to leave.
Leshwi held a hand out. "Wait," she said to Reconciliation. "Didn't mean it like that. You just wanted to be helpful. I put you on my staff to be helpful. That's your whole…" she waved a hand vaguely.
"You wouldn't call me that if you were sober," Venli muttered, but she sat back down.
Leshwi hummed Derision in that self-deprecating way. "'On my staff'? I know I don't have a staff anymore, Venli, I'm not that drunk."
"I mean helpful," Venli said, the words bitter in her throat. She saw listener warbands limping back from battle with a fraction of their numbers. She saw a gemstone shattering on rain-soaked rock, and the change it brought. She saw Demid's twisted corpse puppeted by a Fused, and her mother staring at her unseeing, and her own hands prying the Shardplate from Eshonai's broken body. "I'm not. That isn't me."
Leshwi considered this for a moment, then wordlessly passed her the bottle.
Keep reading
#femslash february#wlw cosmere#cosmere femslash fic#cosmere fanfic#venli stormlight#leshwi stormlight#venli x leshwi#venli/leshwi#rhythm of war
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Jake Seresin | hey babe I’m home .
A sudden accident lands Jake in the hospital with severe injuries, leaving Y/n in shock. The room oscillates between tension and relief as Jake wakes up to a grim reality. Y/n's unwavering support becomes the anchor in their journey through surgeries, rehabilitation, and the healing power of love
"© s090l . All rights reserved. This work is protected by copyright law. Unauthorized copying or reproduction without explicit consent is prohibited."
THIS IS PART 2 : PART 1
Despite the challenges, the day of Jake's discharge had finally arrived. Y/n's excitement reverberated through the air as she prepared to take him home. However, Jake's demeanor hinted at a deeper struggle beneath the surface.
it had been two week since Jake’s last surgery , it was finaly time to go home , to say that you were excited is an understatement, you were buzzing. Jake was just ready to be close to you again and not have a nurse standing in the way , the morning before his discharge Jake had to go though a final round of tests , so bloodwork , scans everything.
He wasn’t really in the mood but he knew once that was done he could go home. "Baby …" he cried , y/n turned to him stopping what she was doing.
"Hey bub, what’s wrong?" "Why are you crying" wiping his tears with her sleeve, y/n knew Jake was tired and angsty so she knew he would be a bit emotional but she didn’t expect him to be this upset today .
Jake had been distant the last 6 weeks , at first he looked 'okay' but then after a couple of days the nightmares started.
*flashback to week 2 in hospital*
y/n had just showered and started getting ready for bed , this had been her space for the last 2 weeks , she knew she needed to let Jake try healing on his own but every time she was on her way out , he crumbled. So she took of work and stayed with him .
As she was asleep she heard something, almost like someone was weeping , and then it started, Jake started rolling around in his sleep , tossing and turning whilst mumbling, she tried to wake him up , realizing that he was probably having a nightmare.
Jake shot up screaming and crying „no , please, I just want to go home“ he shouted , "Jake , hey babe , look at me , hey , hi , Hi baby , im right here, im not going anywhere" Jake started crying into y/ns chest ,
“you’re okay baby , can you try breathing a bit slower for me ?" Jake inhales a bit better " good job , just like that , once more ?" "You feeling a bit better? You want some water?" She handed him some water , "hun you’re sweating like crazy, what happened?" He replied feeling embarrassed that he let y/n witness that , he had always struggled with his anxiety, but learned to cope with it "im sorry baby“
*end of flashback*
Then came his surgeries, Jake was always so confident, he never showed fear to anything, but his hip surgery was an absolute nightmare.
He was in a heck of a lot of pain, he had to have a catheter placed again… he wasn’t allowed to shower or walk , he felt useless. And when he saw the scar on his hip he felt even worse
As the final tests concluded before his discharge, Y/n extended a comforting hand. "You've been through so much, Jake, but you're not alone. We'll face whatever comes next together." She wiped away his remaining tears, a silent promise echoing in her gaze.
"You wanna go home , bub ?" , Jake felt as if he could cry , he looked up at you , "please , please baby I want to go home" , y/n almost laughed at how excited yet exhausted he looked, he was standing up getting ready to go "okay hotshot , slow your roll there , don’t need another hip gone bad" .
The drive home was peaceful, something they hadn’t experienced in almost 2 months .
Jake felt awful as he realized , he was going home for the first time since that day , and that you had all those fancy dinners planned.
Y/n put her hand on his thigh , "don’t even Start Leutnant.“ , Jake scoffed , "it’s Leutnant commander missy“
A/N : do you guys want me to make this a series ? Also let me know if you guys have any requests
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Hello [im sorry my English is not the best I hope this message is understandable] I just read about Ted and the reader in your nightmares story. I have been having bad nightmares lately so it was very nice to find. I was wanting to know if you would want to write more where Ted Is present when one is happening waking her up or finding her awake already I thank you for your writing and writing this if you do too
AN: Your English is perfect, and I so appreciate the request!! I decided to make this one a continuation of the Henry Bad Dreams fic, but with just Ted there for comfort.
Rating: General
Tags: Henry Lasso, Established Relationship, Stepmom!Reader, SoloDad!Ted, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort
Part 1 | Fic masterlist
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Despite the sweet scene Ted had come home to, and the fact that Henry had comforted you out of your nightmare, Ted wasn’t going to let you off the hook that easily. After the 3 of you woke up and eased into the day, Ted got a call from Roy asking if Henry and Phoebe could have a playdate because he was tired from the game and she was, in his words, “driving me fucking mental.”
Ted came back from dropping Henry off at Roy’s and you were excited to have him to yourself, but after a few sweet kisses on the couch, Ted pulled back.
“I don’t want to embarrass you, sweetie, but can we talk about the nightmares?”
You pursed your lips and ducked your head, trying to figure out the best way to approach the topic. “It’s nothing, really. I’m just sorry I woke Henry. Next time, I’ll go downstairs or—”
“Woah, Woah,” Ted shifted on the couch so he could pull your hand into his lap, intertwining his fingers with yours. “I’m real proud of Henry for lookin’ out for you while I wasn’t there. Makes me feel like I’m raisin’ him right, ya know? And to see my two best people all cozy,” Ted released a low whistle, “well that just warms my heart somethin’ fierce. But how long have these nightmares been buggin’ you?”
“To be honest with you, love, it only really happens when you’re not here. It, well, makes me feel a little silly that one night apart has me all,” you flapped your hand in the air, “out of sorts. So I haven’t mentioned it and I get around it. It’s not like you’re gone all that often or for all that long,” you shrugged as you finished. You really didn’t want to make it a big deal, but you did want to be honest. After all, this was what Henry recommended.
Ted released your hand and lifted an arm, tucking you neatly into his side before kissing your forehead. “Well, I’m sorry that it affects you so much when I’m gone. I certainly know a thing or two about anxiety and sleepless nights. And I can’t change the schedule, but maybe we can think of some ways to help.” You tilted your head up to kiss him, already pleased that he was looking for solutions and not just babying you.
The two of you figured out what worked and settled on an away game system: a FaceTime with Ted before bed, a t-shirt of his to wear to sleep and a spritz of his cologne on the pillow, a voice memo Ted recorded where he talked for 45 minutes straight, and when push came to shove, Henry tucking himself in next to you.
And it all worked splendidly—you hadn’t thought about a nightmare in months, hadn’t seen 3 am in just as long. But then came Henry’s trip to Kansas.
You knew you were anxious about spending a month without Henry. You loved your stepson and you loved having him with you, but you also knew he was missing his mom and she deserved time with him. You chalked the nervousness up to sending him by himself overseas, but as he reminded you while you helped him fold up enough jumpers and trousers, he “wasn’t a baby anymore.”
“I know, but I’m allowed to worry about you,” you chuckled, ruffling his shaggy blond hair.
“I know,” he groaned, but the smile on his face told you he didn’t mind. “I’m gonna miss you too.”
You and Ted walked him all the way to the gate, waved as he screamed, “I LOVE YOU,” as he walked through the tunnel, and then had dinner and turned in early, sharing in the sad mood that your son was gone.
A few hours later you could feel yourself thrashing slightly, the sheets tangling around your waist, but you couldn’t quite reach consciousness. You felt stuck in your nightmare, half-asleep and half-awake, but finally, you could surface enough to hear Ted calling your name. When you opened your eyes and sat up your sleep top was damp and clinging to you and your heart was racing. Ted had gotten out of bed and already gotten you a glass of water from the bathroom sink, which he pressed gently into your hands as you tried to even out your breathing.
“Deep breaths sweetheart. Here, follow me,” Ted took the hand not holding the water, and held it to his bare chest so you could feel his lungs expand and release. When you had caught your breath enough, you gulped some water and set the glass on your nightstand. You looked at Ted and saw the concern in his eyes before hiding your face in your hands.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” you mumbled and Ted stood from the bed so he could climb behind you, one leg on either side of yours so he could pull you back into his chest and rock you gently.
“You don’t have to apologize, sweetheart,” Ted said softly, and it did something to you to both hear those words and feel the vibration of his chest against your back. He dropped a kiss against your temple. “I’m not going to say you didn’t scare me, but I’m glad I was here. Is that what it’s always like?”
“Pretty much you,” you sighed, stroking your hand along Ted’s forearms where he held you tightly. “Reminds me a little of your panic attacks.”
“Me too,” Ted agreed. “I thought it only happened when I wasn’t here?”
“I thought so too.”
Ted kissed your temple again. “Any idea what brought it on tonight?”
“Honestly,” you twisted around to look at Ted. He was scruffy and sleepy, but his eyes were engaged. “I think it’s because Henry’s gone.”
Ted’s eyebrows raised and he couldn’t help but grin at you. “I don’t mean to make light of it because that nightmare sure seemed scary…but welcome to parenthood, darlin’. I love how much you love our boy, even if it means gettin’ anxious when he’s gone.”
You hummed, thinking it over as tears came to your eyes, “maybe what it really means is that I’m not cut out for it.”
“No, no, no,” Ted shushed you gently, “I would say worryin’ about us the way you do proves just the opposite. You just have to have faith that you’re doin’ all you can to keep the people you love safe.” He used a thumb to wick away the tears from your eyes, before tilting his chin up to kiss you.
“Now, we’ve got about…,” Ted leaned over to check the time on his nightstand clock, “one hour until Henry’s flight lands and we can call him. What do you say we put on a rom-com and relax until then, and then we can get some real shut-eye?”
“Oh you don’t have to stay up for me, Ted, I’ll just—”
Ted lovingly ignored you and reached for the remote for the little-used TV in the corner of the room, flipping around until he found something familiar and fluffy. He didn’t release you from his grasp, so you just cuddled down into him, pressing your cheek to his shoulder and kissing his jaw. Both of you managed to stay awake until it was a reasonable enough time to call Henry, and he picked up from the backseat of his mom’s car.
He looked tired but he was beaming into the camera and told you about the flight and the crying babies on it, the movies he watched, and the dinner and snacks he had. Seeing him made something inside you click into place and when Michelle announced that they were home you felt like you could easily go back to sleep knowing your boy was safe.
“Goodnight,” Henry exclaimed and Ted grinned at his son.
“Goodnight Henry,” the two of you said in unison and Henry giggled.
Just as Ted was about to hang up the call, you heard Henry say, “Love you, Dad! Love you, Mum!”
Mum. Your eyes widened and you looked at Ted and he looked just as surprised as you. Neither of you had time to respond before Henry had already disappeared.
“Did you—” You started to ask Ted if he knew Henry called you that, but before you finished the question he was shaking his head, a small smile on his face.
“No, I had no idea. But I can’t say I’m not pleased that my boy has a mom and a mum. How are you feelin’? Think you can sleep?”
Ted wiggled around you so he was on his side of the bed again, and both of you relaxed back into the sheets grinning at each other on your respective pillows.
“Now that our boy is safe, yeah I think so,” you leaned over and gave Ted one more kiss, overwhelmed not only by the love and care he showed you but this new life that brought you so much joy.
“Goodnight, Mum.”
“Goodnight, Dad.”
<- Part 1
#ted lasso#ted lasso x reader#ted lasso fanfic#ted lasso fanfiction#ted lasso reader insert#ted lasso x yn
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I just need to get it off my chest.
Another vent post, since this month has been just... terrible, really.
So we were doing well, paying the bills, even making a little extra... then my roomie quit her job on the spot without a backup job on the rear cooker... right before my birthday.
maybe its selfish, but im really frustrated and pissed about it? she got a small job after jobhunting for two or three days and they let her go the next week, so once again, we are out of more than half the bill payments. usually, if i were healthy, i would be able to try to float us for a bit, but im just. not. healthy. at all.
i cannot afford my medication i desperately need to maintain myself, and my paranoia is getting so much worse with all of the stress piling higher and higher. for those unaware, i am diagnosed with PTSD, OCD, GAD, and Psychotic depression... that last one is basically super intense depression, but add on some hallucinations and a lot of paranoia.
I cant get enough sleep and i keep waking up with tachycardia and night sweats and feeling weak and i dont know if its my paranoia as usual or if its actually some new heart condition and its freaking me the hell out
I'm working as much as i can at my new job and i still don't think im going to make ends meet, so I opened commissions but the guilt from being able to finish them fast enough is eating me alive and i feel like im really falling into a huge hole i cannot crawl out of
i want to disappear and hide from it all... i wish it would all just disappear. the world, the bills, the stress, the hallucinations, the anxiety, the loneliness. my entire life. im not going to act on an attempted... unaliving, since ive tried and failed too many times to have any faith in myself to be successful, but im so... so tired. so exhausted.
We had planned a trip to New York, even bought nonrefundable tickets and a hotel a few months back when we were doing well... but im going to have to go and spend the whole time working, and my friends i was going to meet might have to cancel, and honestly.. part of me just doesnt want to go anymore. its hard to feel any excitement for a trip that will just be spent being anxious and feeling guilty for not working in that time period.
My friends are all busy, so i don't have really anybody to get it off my chest to, and then another few friends i suspect of actually hating me, but maybe its my anxiety speaking... im just tired of it all. i want it all to perish
anyways... commissions are open. ill post about it tomorrow probably when i feel better, if i feel better
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Does anyone else scream and talk in their sleep? I used to do this very frequently a few years ago and it calmed down for a while I used to wake up in cold sweat because of night terrors but lately I’m just feeling very trapped. I’m claustrophobic and I’m having the worst nightmares of the past a lot recently just of situations I’m VERY over. Like things from years ago that don’t affect me anymore Things I don’t care about but they just pop up in my dreams and I’m forced to relive those same memories I think it’s my brains way of coping with social isolation. It’s just making me very anxious and it’s making me feel very low when I’m clearly on a healing journey and trying really hard. It’s just suffocating. It’s very tiring revisiting memories that I want to forget. I’m so over it. I’ve addressed these things and moved on through so much self talk. Yet everytime without fail my nightmares are horrifically repetitive. Probably cuz my life is repetitive. I think it’s a sign to change things and that im not doing enough. I thought I was healing but you can only heal so much in your little bubble. I have to take the risks I’ve been putting off for years. I thought I had to start with the basics but I realized that the basics are actually pretty easy to manage but it’s the difficult things that’ll only get harder with time that I have to do now. Not later. Now. And I’ve always known this but my sick brain and tired body were making excuses for myself. And it’s such a form of self harm to hide from the world because it scares you. I know I’m not alone in these feelings and others have had similar experiences yet when you’ve been alone for so long you start to convince yourself you’re unloveable and you you start to believe lies about yourself. Like you’re just a bad person, you’re not easy to get along with etc. It’s the cycle I’ve been living in and only I can break it. And it’s going to take even more consistency but it’ll be so worth it. Those feelings of hopelessness and anxieties about people and the world should dissipate the more I emerge myself into it. I think it’ll also give my thoughts more clarity and I’ll get confirmation and maybe even be proven wrong the more I leave my comfort zones in every aspect of my life and stop identifying so heavily with my pain and my past and find out who I really am and what I really want even if there is never a certain answer to those two things. Yeah I know what I have to do. Its gonna be really easy. The only reason it’s stayed this way is cuz the cycle hasn’t been broken but I know that I’m capable now.
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24032023; 0100
Its been a long while..
There’s been so much that has been going on in my life the past year. It’s been the worst and I feel like Im at the worst point in my entire life. Maybe not fully
Words are so impactful and powerful, but words at the same time can make or break a situation - when people take it out of context or perspective, when they see their arguments, issues and problems to be bigger than anything. The fear of leaving the comfort zone, or the fear of simply accepting that you messed up and you need to find a solution or accept help from someone else. It’s painful and difficult - I understand and empathise.
Actions on the other hand speak louder than words, but what happens when these same actions are misinterpreted or misunderstood. A simple good action could be denoted as an action of harm, resentment or backlash.
It’s a difficult and painful world we live in - where each and everyone of us are fighting our very own demons, struggling to barely stay afloat or even worst make it past to another day. It’s tiring and exhausting. We fear of being judged or being a burden to another person. But what good will it bring if all we do is feel and not attempt to act accordingly to better the situation.
I’d be lying if I said I was taking everyday with stride. I should be grateful and blessed for everyday that I get to wake up, where I get to go to a job that I still have and enjoy despite it’s pains, where I have food and the financial capability to treat myself to a good cup of coffee everyday. Cos some people leave in their sleep, some get laid off cos of the current economy, some people don’t even have enough to eat a decent lunch. . Yet if I was called to go - as in die. I will leave everything and everyone in a heart beat. Cos I am tired, and despite being thankful for everyday that I have - I feel like I’m struggling to be happy, to be content, to be at peace. I am tired and I’m worried I will give up one day.
I’m a fighter, I fight so passionately for what I feel and want. But this same fighter is afraid that - one day I will just drop my shoulders and not care anymore, than any discomfort in life will affect me no more.
I’m always expected to understand and give way and be more accepting of the situation. To see it from their point of view and understand their struggles. But isit selfish of me to ask the same? I do - without fail, every time see it from the other persons point of view, see how and why they may feel or act or say certain things. I mould myself to better fit to them or their mood or situation, so that they will not feel the extra anxiety or burden. I understand, or at least I feel I really try to.
But is it wrong - wrong to feel understood and needed? To feel like I deserve more? Isit selfish of me to think that?
I’m tired - and honestly, I really want to give up. I know I was heading towards a downward spiral - hence I really got myself checked into therapy. Has it been helpful? Yes - but isit making me a better person? IDK really.. It takes 2 hands to clap, it’s stupid to hold up one hand and not be met with the other hand - Im just left hanging. I will hold up this hand until the other hand meets mine, but all I can hope for is that my hand will not get tired as much as my heart and body is.
Nothing hurts more than hearing the other person say they feel bad that they dragged you into something dark and bad with the full intention of knowing what they are doing - without being met with a solution.
But I guess that’s the mystery of life - pain and suffering and how we learn to morph ourselves to better handle situations instead of expecting the other party.
Cos why try to change others who are set in their ways and habits and thoughts when you can change your perspective on things - the danger of it - not being able to feel anything in the long run - being immune and numb and actually saying well “ it is what it is”. . .
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can we appreciate for a minute that in the description of the music video for The Medical Anomaly by RIProducer, they explicitly state that we're allowed to look at this song in a mental health related context; i love them for that because i relate to it that much more when you look at it from the mental health perspective.
i personally suffer from really bad anxiety and constant paranoia followed by derealization episodes that are progressively getting worse by the day. i also think i am autistic and want to get tested to see, but i have catholic parents and they dont believe in autism, adhd, bpd, etc.
but even in looking at this song in the medical context: headaches are always on the list, coming along with my usual nausea. i used to never get sick but all of a sudden ive been getting nausea episodes and i cant ever get the right amount of sleep. i could literally sleep for 18 hours (ive done it before) and ill wake up as tired as ever. i used to be able to eat sweets and things just fine but now i can barely keep a bite of cake down without throwing up.
i have no idea what the hell happened to my body. i know that the mental part is of my trauma but im wondering are the body disfunctions in relation to the fact that i was deathly sick of covid for a month? i just dont really understand, did something else happen? did my body somehow undergo some weird change in my sleep? i just dont know anymore.
all i want to say is i love The Medical Anomaly and i relate a lot. so thank you, RIProducer.
youtube
#novasspeaks#the medical anomaly#this song is me fr though#i remember i cosplayed the character from this song once#i have pictures on my phone but i dont have my phone rn#i call them anomaly :3#im so creative ikr/j#Youtube
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this is v v random and you dont have to answer if you dont want to bc it IS personal, but i wanted to ask abt ur experience on wellbutrin? in terms of like, getting energy or feeling tired, sleepy? im worried about it making me sleepy/tired/brain fog (im 26 n BUSY as heck) again, dont have to answer at all, just asking bc i know youre quite open n honest on stuff so i thought id give it a shot and ask about your experience n like. ur pros & cons if thats okay. anyways thank u lub u legend bye <3
🥺Legend, of course u can ask!! I'm probably not the best choice, given I've only been on it since early June (and some people, much longer)... but honestly, in terms of brain fog and sleep... I have had almost literally NO issues and am all positive reviews here (...kinda).
One of the reasons I was prescribed it actually was for excessive sleepiness and brain fog (I get horrible, horrible brain fog normally and I have for years.)... and even though the results have been somewhat inconsistent since I've switched dosages like three times (and was off for a bit), literally it's helped SOOOOO much.
Obviously, people's reactions are going to be different, a moot (who I can tag but don't want to like... expose)(edit: @ace-of-books in the replies of this post!!!) on here told me Wellbutrin actually keeps her awake to the point where she needs mild sedatives to sleep... but I've honestly found I have no trouble actually going to sleep once I actually decide to (I like to use my phone in bed so I partially blame some sleep issues on that, but... you know) and waking up has gotten way, WAY easier.
(Also, with my new dosage, I take it twice a day and it's the NON-time release pills, and I've noticed that actually I haven't been as tired getting into bed usually... but someone told me this would go away once I fully adjusted AND I didn't have that problem on the time released capsules I took initially. Also it could just be that I've been taking a lot of naps at 8pm LMAOOO AND it doesn't actually bother me since the brain fog has been very reduced! *skips and jumps and claps feet together like a little leprechaun*🤩🤩🤩)
So yeah. More issues with... not being able to sleep than with being sleepy in the daytime. Thought when I was taking my more concentrated dose, if I had caffeine with it, things would get a little WoOoOooooOOOOooo funny🤡!!! at first.
As for cons... it's so funny because when I switched dosages the first time, I was like "omg these pills suck they stopped working after like, a month..." THAT WAS NOT TRUE LMAOOO. I HAD JUST GOTTEN USED TO THEM, and when I moved on to a higher dosage (150mg once a day to 150 TWICE a day🥶😨😱), I literally went insane (crying over mild inconveniences IN PUBLIC. I could think too hard and I would cry. Keep me awake over anxiety literally non-stop type insane).
And then, when I subsequently stopped taking them and it faded(?) from my system, it became very clear I actually was... worse off without them and I was extremely happy to go back on
I could always get used to it again, but right now I feel GREAT and literally kind of spring out of bed when I need to be up. No more lazing about waiting for my mind to work, it just does for the most part.
(Though I do get tired in the day because my schedule is awful, and also still crave sleeping a lot when I am in bed, it's just when I do wake + get up the adjustment period from sleepy time to being awake is almost... instant. So that, I would say, is fantastic).
ANYWHOOOO, this is kind of a long-winded answer that I answered sort of... backwards (talking about lack of sleep vs. excessive sleep), but... my experience has been so positive, even despite the dosage changes and the fact that it obviously hasn't cured my depression entirely. I just haven't had any issues with it making me tired at all, and it's FIXED my brainfog, which I guess is the answer to your question!
BUT, and I'm just gonna say this for legal reasons cuz I'm sure you already know, talk to your doctor/a medical professional first before making any decisions! Don't base taking it entirely off of ME because I also know people who experienced nothing positive on Wellbutrin at all. Not me, tho. But that can be common.
Thanks for reading this all (and being sooo sweet I lub you too + am kissing you), if you did! And no worries if you didn't, but good luck with whatever ends up happening!💕💕💕
#me and wellbutrin are besties#except if theres too much of her...#(i had a very public breakdown)#then i need a break. but me and small doses?? THAT'S MY HOMEGIRL#would literally make out with my pills if i could (thats gross sorry)#and ig some other things to consider:#i really experience nothing negative from birth control pills either so... idk if that changes anything#but it could be i'm just okay with medicine#and also i tried uhhh prozac and even tho nothing bad happened really... actually my grades tanked BUT...#it really just didnt work#so those are my other experiences with medication and idk if add or take away from this#but yeah!! i'd really recommend it for issues like preexisting brainfog and tiredness#not sure if it will ... make things revert for you#but yeah!#i'm super super busy too and it really didn't affect me much except positively#like when i started taking it i was on a break.. BUT when i started it a second time ... i had no problems adjusting with my schedule#which was nice#anyway i'll go now and im hoping this is helpful!!!#and not confusing#BYE.#<3333#caitie answers#anon
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I have reason to believe something is going on that is kind of weird.
I’ve been waking up early lately for the past couple of weeks.
I go to bed late, and don't feel tired with or without coffee.
My eyes are burning, tingling as well as my cheeks. Idk if its because I started wearing my prescription glasses 2 years ago because my eyes have been hurting for several days lately. My eyes tear all the time. I believe I could be allergic to ingredients in some mascaras, I end up looking like a racoon or have to constantly wipe away fallout and prevent my eyes from burning.
I’ve been putting more effort into my appearance, make up, hair and dress.
I have all these ideas buzzing around my brain, I want to make xmas cards and such but I feel weird about all of this. I’m always avoiding being depressed or trying to keep my mind upbeat but Im feeling like this, in my gut is scary and possibly a potential warning.
No naps the past couple of weeks.
No depression, feeling ‘good’.
I just assume everything is fine but I feel like there’s warning signs happening when I had that bad time in 2015. One of the hardest things. I had to become more self-aware. Going forward from there, I had no experiences after my hospital stay. I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want to have problems. I usually get depressed near the holidays, now I feel good about them and excited, which I also fear getting bad again. I take my meds. Why am I feeling like this?
But yesterday, I woke up at 3:30am after going to sleep at 930-10 pm and I have stayed awake.
I got tired around 4-5:00 pm and laid down and calmed down without my phone, without my computer and simply cleaned while listening to music.
I’ve been non-stop for days. Very motivated, but I also feel unproductive.
It is currently 1 in the morning, overwhelmed, overloaded, not tired at all whatsoever. I’m trying to figure out what is going on. I think I’m suffering from stress related anxiety,adhd side-effects, and it’s affecting my mood. I honestly hope I am not having a relapse of mania. I haven’t had any issues in a long time. I hope it improves and doesn’t get bad. I desperately don’t want to ruin my life again. I have been doing so good for the time being and I thought I was doing good. I’m constantly over-thinking. I constantly have to feel like being mindful of what I say in any and all situations. I take so long to respond to friends and such. I feel like I’m constantly afraid of improvisational interpersonal difficulty.
I’ve been stressed financially for a long time, at least a few years. In the back of my mind I’m always thinking the worst. Outside I’m fine but inside I’m always a walking contradiction, my mind says one thing, my heart wants another and my brain too wants something completely different sometimes. I have trouble making some decisions. I don’t want to go back to therapy. I want to find a way to combat this before it gets out of control though. I don’t even know what the first steps are to start this.
Sometimes I wish I got therapy in college because I struggled badly through those years. I was absolutely miserable and I’m a nervous wreck at my own graduation. I hate making mistakes and shit I regret a lot about that time. I struggle now because of those decisions.
When I did get help it wasn’t until recently that I started feeling weird. I can’t calm down. I feel like I want to do fifty million things at once. This is really rough and bad. I’m going to try to calm down, wind down, get off the computer and get a little bit of sleep. Am I ok?
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A rare personal vent time in this time and age lmao
Feels like im boiling up, put on small simmer but it's been going on for months. I'm trying to do the sensible adult thing and vent less online, especially when, now I 1) have come to realise how stressful it is to be on the receiving end and 2) I don't have proper "anonymous" channel to just yell my stuff into void. I've been on sites too long, know too many people I don't want to cause stress to, etc.
I do think it's healthier to not vent online and I do go to therapy but it's also different sensation to complain online and be excactly as pitiful and meme-brained as you need to while doing it, versus talking to 60y old nice lady once a month desperately trying to come up with scenarios she would understand without needing to explain 5 levels of current brainrot. And also just the feel of sharing your pain with bigger audience, even if that audience is anonymous silent users who don't care.
But I'm super tired and stressed all the time. I can barely sleep without anxiety medication and when I manage to sleep it takes ages to wake up. I have things I should do and know I need to do, but first time ever in my life I'm just too tired to even attempt to do them. Can't muster the energy to fill a simple form. Like my tiredness overwrote my anxiety of needing to do stuff? That is very new. I disappear from online spaces, I don't feel joy anymore, just fleeting moments of Not Feeling Anxious. Even normal friend gathetings I usually enjoy are now more or less overwritten by anxiety of Wait Do Everyone Hate Me Actually? and I Am Reading Everyone's Microexpressions To Determine If They Are Happy Or Not. and that's not fair or cool for me nor them. I'd say panic attacks are new but actually I'm just now connecting dots with them.
And yeah I know it's depression I know!! I used to have it!! For years!! And then I was better for some 5 years and it came back and feels more crushing this time because now I know how life is supposed to feel like. I guess for the positives I can now recognise when Bad Thoughts are just brain being stupid and not reality, but it makes it no less annoying.
#me tag#it's nothing bad just my depression is back and that sucks#and i sometimes miss yelling stuff online#it's not a good practise but listen. listen#it just feels nice sometimes
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<long and rambling, I’m gonna add a cut when I get on a desktop next bc I don’t think I can do it on mobile>
Went to a pride party, absolutely fucking crashed and burned several times at socialization and I apologized to my friend for being Terrible At Parties and my friend goes “you really ARE bad at talking I can’t believe I never noticed it! That feels like this one is on me!” And honestly I think that was the first time anyone has ever taken responsibility for my anxiety and for some reason I do not understand at ALL it made me feel REALLY good about myself ya kno like it was the equivalent of taking your friend who you know damn well hates shellfish to a crab shack and not understand why they’re annoyed as they pick at their shitty ass salad. Like yeah man my anxiety is YOUR problem bro not mine.
Uh anyways so all that anxiety + anxiety from the event we had today - which went really well!!! I’m actually really happy with how it went! We put a lot of hard work into it and it really paid off! - and also generally my anxiety has been awful lately + the amount of pot I consumed at that party bro if I would have realized they were gonna be that free and loose with the weed I would have brought an ice pack, propped my leg up on a chair, and started smoking the moment I came in so I could have lasted longer!!!! = I have been like uh ~talking with a dude and I’m being very careful because Im actually Very careful on the internet, sometimes in weird ways, and I know there are ways I could be safer for sure, but I also think that while my anxiety has hindered my ability to date in a lot of ways, once or twice it has helped me realize that there was a red flag I missed not too far away and then I bailed and it was the RIGHT decision. This guy wasn’t talking down to me, we were sort of disagreeing about serious stuff so it was tense but we weren’t arguing, just discussing and finding we had different world views on something. And then I made a joke about how I just wanted them to raise the minimum wage bc my rent was expensive to lighten the mood up a bit, bc we had both been throwing jokes in every few minutes so it didn’t get too serious and then…then I looked at my phone and it said that he had deleted a chat he had sent, and then he sort of made some “this system is broken someone needs to fix it” and that’s FINE except we haven’t really discussed politics and I admit I’ve been a little mum in that regard bc he’s bisexual and we sort of really quickly bonded over the weirdness of being raised technically in yiur culture but unable to speak the language and that was interesting but also doesn’t mean anything like maybe he meant it in a commie sort of way since he’s told me he’s been really affected by COVID so maybe he, like a lot of people, found himself feeling more and more than this system is inherently broken beyond repair. Or MAYBE he meant it in a “you know I really think trump was onto something” sort of way and I’ve been staring at these messages wondering what the fuck they mean but let me reiterate, I have not looked at these messages ONCE without being bogged down with anxiety or high as a kite! He might not have been making an Anakin skywalker style “maybe dictators are good actually” type comment, you might, in fact, just have spent the last 20 hours in a bungled mess of anxiety and weed and pain.
Um anyways this program went really well and I think I’m gonna stay on to do it next year because I had sort of a good time, it reminded me why I like working in a library, but also, I’m so glad it’s over bc it was so much effort and I’m so anxious and tired all the time akskdkjd I don’t do anything but sleep and watch the same three episodes of a show bc I keep falling asleep, and then texting this dude at 4 am when I wake up bc I can’t sleep thru the night bc he keeps the WEIRDEST hours so I know he’ll be up and like ~flirting until I fall back asleep. That’s it. That’s been most of my life bc of this program the last few weeks. It’s not bad, but bro I would LOVE a CHANGE
In other news a pretty (straight) girl hugged me at work and I almost cried its been such a great pride already 🥲🥲🥲
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