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anchorandrope · 3 years

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larry songs on walls

!!! | i’m not going to include the complete lyrics of all the songs so for a better understanding, look for them. all the songs were written by louis and other composers.

masterpost

HABIT

harry is the habit that louis can’t break

“i always said that i’d mess up eventually i told you that, so what did you expect from me? it shouldn’t come as no surprise anymore i know you said that you'd give me another chance but you and i knew the truth of it in advance that mentally you were already out the door”

the first part talks about how louis always thought he was going to ruin everything and that he didn’t know what harry expected of him, harry tells him that it doesn’t matter if he makes a mistake or they fight, he will give him more opportunities, they both knew that in the end, they were going to apologize but first they were probably going to have a fight where one of them leaves to not continue fighting (by leaving i mean literally going out the door and going somewhere else to calm the mind to not say things that they will regret later, i don’t mean to break up).

“i took some time ‘cause i’ve ran out of energy of playing someone i heard i’m supposed to be but honestly, i don’t have to choose anymore”

here he literally says that he got tired of pretending to be someone he is not, which refers to the role of straight image they put on him.

“and it's been ages, different stages come so far from princess park i’ll always need ya in front of me, in front of me”

this is the clearest reference to harry in the entire album as it mentions princess park, the first place harry and louis lived together. it basically says that he always need him, at every moment, at every stage.

bonus: stages is a wordplay because louis and harry literally went from stage to stage together singing and through stages of life.

“you gave me the time and the space, i was out of control and i’m sorry, i let you down guess that i know what i already knew, i was better with you, and i miss you now”

this part talks about a fight. they fought and as the beginning said, the one who “walked through the door” was harry, he left time and space for both of them to think. louis regrets it and feels that he disappointed him because even though he knows harry is going to forgive him, he feels responsible for everything. “i guess i know what i already knew” he talks about how every time a fight ends he realizes again that harry is the one, it’s something that he always knew and will know, but every time they fight is a thought that reinforces. the last part talks about the fear of losing him after fighting and how he only wants to see him to fix things, how the minutes for him are hours and that all he thinks about is him.

ALWAYS YOU

it was always harry

STUNT LYRIC IN ALWAYS YOU

“i went to amsterdam without you and all i could do was think about you” (...) “drink after drink but i still felt alone, i should’ve known”

the first part is iconic because louis went to amsterdam with eleanor in mid-2017 (x) and shortly afterwards he wrote the song. the second part talks about how lonely he feels when he isn’t with harry and how he drowns his absence in alcohol.

“walked through my door but it felt nothing like home ‘cause you're not home waiting to wrap your legs around me”

here is a word that describes louis and harry's relationship: home. the lyrics talk about how louis gets home when harry isn’t there (because he's traveling, he's giving a show, etc) and he doesn't feel like home because his home is harry, not a house.

TOO YOUNG

they were too young to realize everything

STUNT LYRIC IN TOO YOUNG

“we were too young to know we had everything” (...) “i wish i could’ve seen it all along i’m sorry that I hurt you, darling”

the first lyric talks about two things: how at the beginning of their relationship (until the end of 2011) they, even though they couldn't make it official, had few limitations for certain things such as tweets, flirting, hints, etc. and about what they lived together in one direction in general, they sang and traveled around the world together and at that moment they hadn’t realized how beautiful it was to be able to spend so much time together. in the second part louis blames himself for not having been able to see everything that was going to happen to them from the beginning (which is crazy because they were kids when everything started, so he should never blame himself for anything because the closeting is not his fault) and apologizes to harry for letting other people hurt him so much.

“i’ve been looking back a lot lately me and you is all i’ve ever known it’s hard to think you could ever hate me but everything’s feeling different now”

at one point louis came to think that harry hated him for all the damage that he “allowed” to be done to him (clearly not literal hate but he refers to anger/sadness) but now he looks back at those moments where he thought that and he knows it wasn’t that way, and now that he is older, he realizes that it was never his fault and he no longer feels that harry "hates" him for everything they happened. (it should be clarified that louis thought that harry was mad with him for that, that doesn’t mean that harry really felt that way, maybe it was only a perception of louis).

“oh, i can’t believe i gave into the pressure when they said a love like this would never last so i cut you off ‘cause i didn’t know no better now i realise yeah, i realise”

he talks about how at one point he believed what they told him about being with harry, when the closeting just started, surely before putting beards on them and everything, they talked to them to convince them to not be together because they weren't going to make it, louis really believed that it was something wrong with loving harry and that they weren’t going to make it, that's why he told him that maybe wasn’t a good idea to have a relationship, harry clearly made him see reason and that’s why at the end he says “now i realize”, which means that louis can't believe he thought it was wrong to be with harry and he can't believe he actually talked to him about it.

“face to face at the kitchen table this is everything i waited for now we can finally have the conversation that i wish we could’ve had before”

the first part talks about them being at home (“kitchen table” they also use it to refer to “home”) and they sat down to talk about all the shit they were going through, with “that conversation” he doesn’t refer to a discussion where they wondered if they loved each other or not, in that conversation they shared pain and frustration and both gave each other support.

WE MADE IT

they made it, together

STUNT LYRIC IN WE MADE IT

“‘cause we made it, underestimated and always underrated” (...) “knew that we would be alright, from the first time” (...) “never coming down with your hand in mine”

here there is a connection with too young: in too young he talks about how they were told they were never going to make it and here he talks about how they did it despite everything they were told, while they are together, nothing can bring them down.

“we were only kids, just tryna work it out wonder what they'd think if they could see us now”

another connection with too young: they were just kids trying to deal with closeting, they made it and now they wonder what those who told them they were never going to make it think.

bonus: “if they could see us now” eleanor and louis are a public couple, everyone can see and know about them...

“don’t know why they put this all on us when we’re so young done a pretty good job, dealing with it all when you’re here don’t need to say no more nothing in the world that i would change it for”

another reference to too young: he doesn’t understand why they put so much pressure and responsibility on them when they were so young. then he talks about how when he is with harry he handles the situation very well and that even though he has a horrible time in the industry, he would choose a thousand times to go through it just to be with him.

PERFECT NOW

harry love, you will always be perfect for me

to begin with, i want to say that its the only song with pronouns on walls, this data is not minor since it means that he intentionally wanted to highlight the feminine gender (he could have made it neutral as well but no, he decided to use feminine pronouns). harry gave us plenty of proof that he also uses feminine pronouns and louis was not far behind.

in my opinion the lyrics are quite obvious, they talk about harry’s insecurities and how louis tells her to not stop being who she is and that everything about her is perfect.

he talks about the clothes, about how maybe harry, no matter how open she seems, is still afraid to dress as she would like when she is with friends/family; he talks about the fear she has of doing things she loves, like dancing; he talks about she not wanting to attract attention, wanting to hide, etc.

its a beautiful love song, we can see how in love louis is and that he doesnt care about the pronouns or the clothes, he will always love her and he will be there to help her in her insecurities. (x) (x)

DEFENCELESS

im defenceless, i got so much to lose

“i come runnin’ to you like a moth into a flame you tell me, “take it easy”, but it’s easier to say “wish i didn’t need so much of you” i hate to say, but i do we’re sleepin’ on our problems like we’ll solve them in our dreams we wake up early morning and they’re still under the sheets i’m lost in my head, i’m spinnin’ again tryna find what to say to you”

this song literally talks about closeting. first he talks about how when louis gets angry about something they have to do (for the stunts) harry tells him to take it easy to which louis responds that its easier if he told him that he wishes he didn’t love him so much. he hates to say that it would be easier if they didn't love each other, but he knows that its true. then he speaks in the plural (this is important because he remarks that its a problem that both of them go through) saying that they both sleep waiting to get up and seeing that everything is solved. and finally, he talks about how louis is constantly thinking of solutions and consolations for both of them.

“been up all night, all night, runnin’ all my lines but it’s only the truth been up all night, not sure how to say this right got so much to lose”

“never been so defenceless (oh-oh) never been so defenceless (ooh-ooh) you just keep on buildin’up your fences (oh-oh) but i’ve never been so defenceless (ooh-ooh) [...]”

he spent the whole night going over everything he has to solve, everything he has to say to pretend; he doesn’t know how to say it because he knows that if he says it he has so much to lose. (this is literally a lyric about coming out of the closet, no explanation needed) he says he feels defenceless despite seeing harry building his way to the end, that no matter that he sees the light at the end of the tunnel, he feels vulnerable.

“no, you don’t have to keep on being strong for me and you acting like you feel no pain, you know i know you do and i can’t get inside when you’re lost in your pride but you don’t have a thing to prove”

he tells harry to stop pretending that nothing affects him because he knows that he suffered as much as he does, he told him to open up so he can help him and not let his pride win.

“i hope that i’m not asking too much just wanna be loved by you (don’t you be so defensive) and i’m too tired to be tough just wanna be loved by you”

does this need explanation? it’s louis telling harry that he doesn’t care about anything anymore and he just wants to be loved by him.

ONLY THE BRAVE

louis in love has to be brave

this song doesn’t talk about harry, it talks about louis’ sexuality but it seemed right to include it since i see the importance and relationship to his relationship with him.

“pour mercy, mercy on me set fire to history i’m breaking my own rules i’m crying like a fool tall stories on the page short glories on the fade i’ve been close enough to touch but i never cared for love”

“pour mercy, mercy on me” “i’m breaking my own rules” and “i’m crying like a fool” refer to the fact that louis suffered a lot when he discovered his sexuality and had a stage of self-denial, not everyone accepts themselves at first. “set fire history” and “tall stories on the page” talks of how historically homosexuality was not accepted. “shot glories on the fade i’ve been close enough to touch” talks about the times he felt close to coming out but never ending happening. “but i never cared for love” he never cared about loving the way he was taught: heterosexual.

“it’s a church of burnt romances and i’m too far gone to pray it’s a solo song and it’s only for the brave”

first he talks about the church (we already know the church's opinion on homosexuality) the phrase “burnt romances” talks about all gay couples who couldn’t be together because society prohibited them (it was also very normal in ancient times to burn homosexuals at the stake and you can refer to that too, it’s a sensitive theme but it makes sense). “i’m too far gone to pray” talks about being far from what the church expects and feels that god wouldn’t listen to you. “it’s a solo song and it’s only for the brave” is a song for people who, even though they feel lonely, are brave.

to clarify: heterosexual people don’t have to be brave to love, heterosexuals are accepted throughout the world and they don’t have laws that harm them or millions of people who think they are sick. saying that heterosexuals also have to be brave to love is homophobic.

“if the truth tell darling, you feel like there ain’t enough dying stars in your sky it’s a tall tale and it’s only hello, hello, no goodbye (goodbye)”

the first part talks about how by saying your true orientation you lose many people, the “dying stars” are the people who leaves you and “your sky” is your life. the second part talks about the homophobic “arguments” that people say when you show yourself as you are and that no matter what they tell you, you are still who you are. (tall tale=very exaggerated story)

“pour mercy, mercy on me i’ll fall upon my knees and they’ll say, “i told you so” come on, when you know, you know”

at the moment that he can’t take it anymore and “fall to his knees” (come out of the closet) and lose many people, there will be someone who will say “i told you that you shouldn’t say it”, he knows it was the right thing to do, but he also knows that they are partly right, they told him and he still decided to be free.

“all the lonely shadow dances from the cradle to the grave it’s a solo song and it’s only for the brave”

you are who you are from the moment you are born until you die, is a song for people who, even though they feel lonely, are brave.

clearly this is just my interpretation, their interpretations are also equally valid (as long as they can be justified obviously) there is no correct interpretation so if they interpret it differently it’s also fine

—————————————————

canciones larry en walls

!!! | no voy a incluir las letras completas de todas las canciones asi que para una mejor compresión busquenlas ustedes. todas las canciones fueron escritas por louis y otros compositores.

masterpost

HABIT

harry es el hábito que louis no puede romper

original

traducción

“siempre dije que eventualmente yo me equivocaría te lo dije, ¿qué esperabas de mí? ya no debería ser una sorpresa sé que dijiste que me darías otra oportunidad pero tú y yo sabíamos la verdad de antemano que mentalmente tú ya estabas fuera de la puerta”

la primera parte habla de que louis siempre pensó que iba a arruinar todo y que no sabía lo que harry esperaba de el, harry le dice que no importa si se equivoca o pelean, el va a darle mas oportunidades, ambos sabían que al fin y al cabo iban a disculparse pero antes probablemente iban a tener una pelea donde uno de los dos se va para no seguir peleando (con irse me refiero a literal salir por la puerta e ir a otro lado a calmar la mente para no decir cosas que no queres, no me refiero a terminar).

original

“i took some time ‘cause i’ve ran out of energy of playing someone i heard i’m supposed to be but honestly, i don’t have to choose anymore”

traducción

“me tomé un tiempo porque me quedé sin energía de interpretar a alguien que escuché que se supone que soy pero honestamente, ya no tengo que elegir”

aca literalmente dice que se cansó de fingir ser alguien que no es, lo cual hace referencia al papel de hetero que le pusieron.

original

“and it's been ages, different stages come so far from princess park i’ll always need ya in front of me, in front of me”

traducción

“y han pasado años, diferentes etapas ven tan lejos desde princess park siempre te necesitaré delante de mí, delante de mí”

esta es la referencia a harry mas clara en todo el álbum ya que menciona a princess park, el primer lugar donde harry y louis vivieron juntos. básicamente dice que siempre lo necesitó, en cada momento, en cada etapa.

bonus: “stages” puede ser etapas o escenarios, por el contexto es etapas pero es un juego de palabras porque louis y harry literalmente fueron de escenario en escenario juntos a traves de los años.

original

“you gave me the time and the space, i was out of control and i’m sorry, i let you down guess that i know what i already knew, i was better with you, and i miss you now”

traducción

“me diste el tiempo y el espacio, estaba fuera de control y lo siento, te decepcioné supongo que sé lo que ya sabía, estaba mejor contigo, y te extraño ahora”

esta parte habla de una pelea. se pelearon y como dijo el principio, el que “camino a traves de la puerta” fue harry, el le dejó tiempo y espacio para que ambos piensen. louis se arrepiente y siente que lo desepcionó porque por mas de que sabe que harry va a perdonarlo, se siente responsable de todo. “supongo que se lo que ya sabía” habla de que cada vez que termina una pelea se da cuenta otra vez de que harry es el indicado, es algo que siempre lo supo y lo va a saber, pero cada vez que pelean es un pensamiento que refuerza. la ultima parte habla del miedo de perderlo despues de pelear y de como solo quiere verlo para arreglar las cosas, de como los minutos para el son horas y de que en lo único que piensa es en el.

ALWAYS YOU

siempre fue harry

STUNT LYRIC EN ALWAYS YOU

original

“i went to amsterdam without you and all i could do was think about you” (...) “drink after drink but i still felt alone, i should’ve known”

traducción

“fui a amsterdam sin ti y todo lo que pude hacer fue pensar en ti” (...) “bebida tras bebida, pero todavía me sentía solo, debería haberlo sabido”

la primera parte es iconica porque louis fue a amsterdam con eleanor a mediados de 2017 (x) y poco tiempo después escribió la canción. la segunda parte habla de lo solo que se siente cuando no esta con harry y de como ahoga su ausencia en alcohol.

original

“walked through my door but it felt nothing like home ‘cause you're not home waiting to wrap your legs around me”

traducción

“atravesé mi puerta pero no me sentí como en casa porque no estás en casa esperando para envolver tus piernas a mi alrededor”

aca se menciona una palabra que describe la relación de louis y harry: home. los lyrics hablan de como louis llega a su casa cuando harry no esta (ya se porque esta de viaje, esta dando un show, etc) y no lo siente como su hogar porque su hogar es harry no una casa.

TOO YOUNG

eran muy chicos para darse cuenta de todo

STUNT LYRIC EN TOO YOUNG

original

“we were too young to know we had everything” (...) “i wish i could’ve seen it all along i’m sorry that I hurt you, darling”

traducción

“éramos muy jóvenes para saber que teníamos todo” (...) “desearía haberlo visto todo el tiempo lamento haberte herido, cariño”

el primer lyric habla de dos cosas: de como al principio de su relación (hasta fines del 2011) ellos por mas de que no podían hacerlo oficial, tenían pocas limitaciones para ciertas cosas como por ejemplo tweets, coqueteo, indirectas, etc. y sobre lo que vivieron juntos en one direction en general, ellos cantaron y viajaron por el mundo juntos y en ese momento no se habían dado cuenta de lo hermoso que era poder estar tanto tiempo juntos. en la segunda parte louis se culpa por no haber podido ver todo lo que les iba a pasar desde el principio (cosa que es una locura porque eran nenes cuando emepezó todo, asi que no debería culparse de nada nunca porque el closeting no es su culpa) y le pide perdon a harry por haber dejado que otras personas lo lastimen tanto.

original

“i’ve been looking back a lot lately me and you is all i’ve ever known it’s hard to think you could ever hate me but everything’s feeling different now”

traducción

“he estado mirando mucho atrás últimamente tú y yo es todo lo que he conocido, es difícil pensar que alguna vez puedas odiarme pero todo se siente diferente ahora”

en un punto louis llegó a pensar que harry lo odiaba por todo el daño que el “permitió” que le hicieran (claramente no odiar literal pero se refiere a enojo/trsiteza) pero ahora mira hacía esos momentos donde pensaba eso y sabe que no es asi y ahora que es mas grande, se da cuenta que nunca fue su culpa y ya no siente que harry lo “odia” por todo lo que pasaron. (cabe aclarar que louis pensaba que harry esta mal con el por eso, eso no quiere decir que harry verdaderamentese haya sentido asi, por ahi era solo una percepción de louis).

original

“oh, i can’t believe i gave into the pressure when they said a love like this would never last so i cut you off ‘cause i didn’t know no better now i realise yeah, i realise”

traducción

“oh, no puedo creer que haya cedido a la presión cuando dijeron que un amor como este nunca duraría así que te interrumpí porque no sabía nada mejor, ahora me doy cuenta sí, me doy cuenta”

habla de que en un momento creyó lo que le dijeron sobre estar con harry, cuando recien empezó el closeting de hierro seguramente antes de ponerles barbas y todo, hablaron con ellos para convencerlos de que no esten juntos porque no iban a dudar, louis realmente creyó que había algo malo en amar a harry y que no iban a lograrlo por eso le dijo que por ahí no era una buena idea tener una relación, harry claramente lo hizo entrar en razon y por eso al final dice “ahora me doy cuenta”, que significa que louis no puede creer que el pensó que estaba mal estar con harry y no puede creer que realmente habló con el sobre eso.

original

“face to face at the kitchen table this is everything i waited for now we can finally have the conversation that i wish we could’ve had before”

traducción

“cara a cara en la mesa de la cocina esto es todo lo que esperaba ahora finalmente podemos tener la conversación que desearía haber tenido antes”

la primera parte habla de que estaban en casa (“kitchen table” tambíen lo usan para referirse a “home”) y se sentaron a hablar de toda la mierda por la que pasaban, con “esa conversación” no se refiere a una discusión donde se preguntaban si se amaban o no, en esa conversación se desahogaban, compartían el dolor y la frustración y ambos se dieron apoyo mutuo.

WE MADE IT

lo hicieron, juntos

STUNT LYRIC EN WE MADE IT

original

“‘cause we made it, underestimated and always underrated” (...) “knew that we would be alright, from the first time” (...) “never coming down with your hand in mine”

traducción

“porque lo logramos, menospreciados y siempre subestimados” (...) “sabía que ibamos a estar bien, desde la primera vez” (...) “nunca me derrumbaré con tu mano en la mía”

aca hay una conexión con too young: en too young habla de como les dijeron que nunca iban a lograrlo y aca habla de como lo lograron a pesar de todo lo que les dijeron, mientras esten juntos, nada puede derrumbarlos.

original

“we were only kids, just tryna work it out wonder what they'd think if they could see us now”

traducción

“nosotros sólo éramos niños, sólo intentando resolverlo me pregunto qué pensarían ellos si pudieran vernos ahora”

otra conexión con too young: solo eran niños intentando lidiar con el closeting, lo lograron y ahora se preguntan que piensan los que les dijeron que nunca iban a lograrlo.

bonus: “si pudieran vernos ahora” eleanor y louis son una pareja pública, todos los pueden ver y saber de ellos...

original

traducción

“no sé por qué nos ponen todo esto cuando eramos tan jóvenes, he hecho un buen trabajo, manejándolo todo cuando tú estás aquí no necesito decir nada más no hay nada en el mundo por lo que cambiaría esto”

otra referencia a too young: no entiende porque les pusieron tanta presión y responsabilidad siendo tan chiquitos. despues habla de que cuando esta con harry maneja la situación muy bien y de que a pesar de que la pasó y la pasa horrible en la industria, eligiría una y mil veces pasar por ello con tal de estar con el.

PERFECT NOW

harry amor, siempre vas a ser perfecta para mi

para empezar quiero decir que es la única canción con pronombres en walls, este dato no es menor ya que significa que intencionalmente quería remarcar el genero femenino (podría haberla hecho neutra también pero no, decidió usar pronombres femeninos). harry nos dió muchas pruebas de que también usa los pronombres femeninos y louis no se quedó atrás.

la letra a mi parecer es bastante obvia, habla de las inseguridades de harry y de como louis le dice que no deje de ser quien es y que cada cosa de ella es perfecta.

habla de la ropa, de como tal vez harry por mas abierta que parezca, aun asi le da miedo vestirse tal y como le gustaría cuando esta con amigxs/familiares; habla del miedo a hacer cosas que ama, como bailar; habla de no querer llamar la atención, de querer esconderse, etc.

es una hermosa canción de amor, podemos ver lo enamorado que louis esta y de que no le importa los pronombres o la ropa, el siempre la va a amar y va a estar ahi para ayudarla en sus inseguridades. (x) (x)

DEFENCELESS

estoy indefenso, tengo tanto que perder

original

“i come runnin’ to you like a moth into a flame you tell me, “take it easy”, but it’s easier to say “wish i didn’t need so much of you” i hate to say, but i do. we’re sleepin’ on our problems like we’ll solve them in our dreams we wake up early morning and they’re still under the sheets i’m lost in my head, i’m spinnin’ again tryna find what to say to you”

traducción

“vengo corriendo hacia ti como una polilla en llamas me dices, “tomalo con calma”, pero es mas facil decir “desearia no necesitar tanto de ti” yo odio decirlo, pero lo hago. estamos durmiendo en nuestros problemas como si los resolviéramos en nuestros sueños nos levantamos temprano en la mañana y todavía están debajo de las sábanas. estoy perdido en mi cabeza, estoy girando de nuevo intentando encontrar qué decirte”

esta canción literalmente habla del closeting. primero habla de que cuando louis se enoja por algo que tienen que hacer (para los stunts) harry le dice que se lo tome con calma al lo que louis responde que es mas facil si el le dijese que desearía no amarlo tanto. el odia decir que sería todo mas facil si no se amasen, pero sabe que es así. despues habla en plural (esto es importante porqje remarca que es un problema por el que pasan ambos) diciendo que ambos duermen esperando levantarse y que todo este solucionado. y por último habla de como louis esta constantemente pensando en soluciones y consuelos para ambos.

original

“been up all night, all night, runnin’ all my lines but it’s only the truth been up all night, not sure how to say this right got so much to lose”

“never been so defenceless (oh-oh) never been so defenceless (ooh-ooh) you just keep on buildin’up your fences (oh-oh) but i’ve never been so defenceless (ooh-ooh) [...]”

traducción

“he estado despierto toda la noche, toda la noche, corriendo todas mis líneas pero es sólo la verdad he estado despierto toda la noche, no estoy seguro de cómo decir esto bien tengo mucho que perder”

“nunca he estado tan indefenso (oh-oh) nunca he estado tan indefenso (ooh-ooh) sigues construyendo tus cercas (oh-oh) pero nunca he estado tan indefenso (ooh-ooh) [...]”

estuvo toda la noche repasando todo lo que tiene que solucionar, todo lo que tiene que decir para fingir; no sabe como decirlo porque sabe que si lo dice puede perder mucho. (esto es literalmente un lyric sobre salir del closet, no necesita explicacion) dice que se siente indefenso a pesar de ver a harry construyendo se camino hacia el final, que no importa que vea la luz al final del tunel, el se siente vulnerable.

original

traducción

“no, no tienes que seguir siendo fuerte para mí y para ti actuando como si no sintieras dolor, sabes que sé que lo haces y no puedo entrar cuando estás perdido en tu orgullo pero no tienes nada que demostrar”

le dice a harry que se deje de hacer el que nada le afecta porque sabe que sufre tanto como el, que se abra asi el puede ayudarlo y que no se deje ganar por su orgullo.

original

“i hope that i’m not asking too much just wanna be loved by you (don’t you be so defensive) and i’m too tired to be tough just wanna be loved by you”

traducción

“espero no preguntar demasiado sólo quiero ser amado por ti (no estés tan a la defensiva) y estoy demasiado cansado para ser duro solo quiero ser amado por ti”

esto necesita explicacion? es louis diciendole a harry que ya no le importa nada y solo quiere ser amado por el.

ONLY THE BRAVE

louis en el amor tiene que ser valiente

esta canción no habla sobre harry, habla sobre la sexualidad de louis pero me pareció correcto incluirla ya que le veo importancia y relación a su relación con el.

original

traducción

“derrama misericordia, ten piedad de mí prende fuego a la historia estoy rompiendo mis propias reglas estoy llorando como un tonto historias altas en la página breves glorias en el desvanecimiento he estado lo suficientemente cerca como para tocar pero nunca me preocupé por el amor”

“ten piedad de mi” “estoy rompiendo mis propias reglas y “estoy llorando como un tonto” se refieren a que louis sufrió mucho cuando descubrió su sexualidad y tuvo una etapa de autonegación, no todxs se aceptan al principio. “prende fuego la historia” e “historias altas en la página” habla de como históricamente la homosexualidad no fue aceptada. “breves glorias en el desvanecimiento he estado lo suficientemente cerca como para tocar” habla de las veces que se sientió cerca de salir del closet pero nunca termina pasando. “pero nunca me preocupé por el amor” nunca se preocupó por amar en la forma que le enseñaron: heterosexualmente.

original

“it’s a church of burnt romances and i’m too far gone to pray it’s a solo song and it’s only for the brave”

traducción

“es una iglesia de romances quemados y estoy demasiado lejos para rezar es una canción en solitario y es sólo para valientes”

primero habla de la iglesia (ya sabemos la opinión de la iglesia frente a la homosexualidad) la frase “romances quemados” habla de todas las parejas gay que no pudieron estar juntos porque la sociendad lo impedía (también era muy nornal en la antiguedad quemar a los homosexuales en la hoguera y también puede hacer referencia a eso, es un poco fuerte pero tiene sentido). “estoy demasiado lejos para rezar” habla de que esta muy lejos de ser lo que la iglesia espera y siente que dios no lo escucharía. “es una canción en solitario y es solo para los valientes” es una canción para la gente que a pesar de que se siente sola es valiente.

también hay que acalarar que las personas heterosexuales no tienen que ser valientes para amar, los heterosexuales son aceptados en todo el mundo y no tienen ni leyes que los perjudiquen ni millones de personas que piensan que son enfermos. decir que los heterosexuales también tienen que ser valientes para amar, es homofobico.

original

“if the truth tell darling, you feel like there ain’t enough dying stars in your sky it’s a tall tale and it’s only hello, hello, no goodbye (goodbye)”

traducción

“si la verdad dice cariño, tú sientes como si no hubiera suficientes estrellas moribundas en tu cielo es un cuento alto y es sólo hola, hola, no adiós (adiós)”

la primera parte habla de que al decir tu verdadera orientación perdes a muchas personas, las “estrellas moribundas” son las personas que te dejan y “tu cielo” es tu vida. la segunda parte habla de los “argumentos” homofobicos que la gente dice cuando te mostras como sos y de que no importa que te digan, vos seguís siendo como sos. (tall tale=historia muy exagerada)

original

“pour mercy, mercy on me i’ll fall upon my knees and they’ll say, “i told you so” come on, when you know, you know”

traducción

“derrama misericordia, ten piedad de mí, caeré de rodillas y ellos dirán: “te lo dije” vamos, cuando sabes, tú sabes”

en el momento que ya no pueda mas y “caiga de rodillas” (salga del closet) y pierda a muchas personas, va a haber alguien que le diga “viste, te dije que no debías decirlo”, el sabe que fue lo correcto, pero también sabe que en parte tienen razón, se lo dijeron y aún asi decidió ser libre.

original

“all the lonely shadow dances from the cradle to the grave it’s a solo song and it’s only for the brave”

traducción

“todas las sombras solitarias bailan desde que nacen hasta que mueren es una canción en solitario y es sólo para valientes”

sos quien sos desde que naces hasta que te morís, es una canción para las personas que se sienten solitarias pero aun asi son valientes.

claramente esta es solo mi interpretación, sus interpretaciones también son igual de válidas (en cuanto las puedan justificar obvio) no hay una interpretación correcta así que si lo interpretan distinto también esta bien

#songs #habit #always you #too young #we made it #only the brave #perfect now #defenceless

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zuffer-weird-girl · 4 years

Note

I know it would be totally OOC of Overhaul, but I LOVE the idea that Kai, do you all the hullabaloo with his wife giving birth, totally forgot to tell Pops he now has a kid. Pops drops by unexpectedly for a visit one day and Kai realizes with a cold and fearful stab to the stomach that “Shit I never told my dad I have a kid now shit” But Pops ain’t mad he starts crying tears of joy and keeps repeating “IM A GRAND POP NOW!” As reader just looks on confused and happy and Kai dies in the background

I almost gagged reading this. Perfect. Pops is the only one who can scare the shit out of Chisaki.

"Kai I swear I'm fine." You smiled kindly at your husband sitting at a chair besides your hospital bed.

"Say that to my hand." He lifted his gloved hand, which was still a bit sore from the way you deadly gripped, smirking when you embarrassingly apologized.

He didn't felt pain at all, he was just being a asshole and teasing you.

"But are you really certain? The brat wasn't even in here and you looked..." his eyes expressed a bit od sadness "...so much in pain."

"Well, I did gave birth." You laughed tiredly "But I'm okay serious..." you both were interrupted by a nurse entering your room with your new baby boy, handing him to your arms.

"Congrats you two! He is the cutest baby we saw this intere month honestly!" She waved at you tw- three, before closing gentky the door.

"Hello my sweet Kaito. Miss me and daddy?" The baby cooed, involuntary snuggling closer to your chest.

"Thank you." Chisaki suddenly say, catching you off of guard. You looked at him and smiled confusely.

"This." He pointed at the baby in your arms "Never would I guess in my life that I would have a family. That I would make a family. So that's why I'm thanking you angel." He went to carres Kaito but hesitated for a moment.

You giggled with his actions, maybe he was scared to hurt him or was still feeling disgusted by the whole situacion.

"Go on. Hold him." You offered

He looked at you questionably before expressing uncertain at looking at his son. He slowly picked the much smaller human being in his gloved hands and sitted besides you on the bed.

"Just like that." You giggled at the glare he sended you like 'I know what I'm doing'

He doesn't.

"He didn't cry. I'm... shocked." He numbly said as he seriously stared at the sleeping baby in his arms.

"Why would he?" You rested your head on his shoulder "You're his dad."

Right... this title was just so... weird yet so exciting for him.

Guess not only you will be messing around with his feelings anymore.

"Ok, sorry to interrupt the 'father and son moment', but is baby shower time now." You slowly got up and picked your son. "Unless you want to do it?"

He gave you a face which was the perfect mixture of desperate and disgust. You only laughed hopeless and went to give your son a quick shower like the nurses had instruct you how to do it.

He heard a knock on the door and got up to answer, not much happy about it. Maybe it was that nurse again. Great. Couldn't leave a couple with thwir child anymore?

When he oppened the door the annoyance on his face was quickly replaced with one of shock.

"Kai my boy, good to see you." The elder entred past Chisaki and patted him on the shoulder "I heard that (Y/N) had gotten a parasite and went with you to the hospital by Irinaka. Is she alright? I would hate to lose such a great daughter in law... This one is rare."

...He would talk with Mimic later about that, but holy shit he totally forgot to tell Pops you were pregnant... The last time he saw you was four months ago.

"She's-" you gasped,catching both of your husband and Pops attention.

You quickly went in the direction of the two men since you already put your baby on his crib.

"(Y/N) it's been a while! How are you feeling dear?" He picked your palm and kissed while Chisaki mentally cringed.

Its pops. Dont kill him. Its pops. Dont kill him.

"Pretty good, pretty good!"

"Are you certain? Irinaka just informed me that you had a parasite and today you were taking the verm off. I got to say I'm surprised that Kai is still in here." He laughed while Chisaki scowled.

Goddammit he wasn't that rude...

"Parasite?" You asked before bitterly let out a sarcastic chuckle, getting what Mimic said.

You looked at Chisaki and was surprised when he looked from behind Pops, making hands gestures at you with wide desperate golden eyes.

You widened your owm when you finally get the message.

You mouthed a 'how?!' And he just slapped his face in pure hatred and desperation at himself, catching Pops attention.

"Kai you're okay? You are looking a bit more pale than usual."

"Yes. Don't need ro worry about that." He lied. Trying to ignore the cold sweat forming behind his neck and back.

He was panicking.

The elder looked at him questionably before returning his gaze to you.

"You don't seem like you got infected though (Y/N), just really tired. What did the doctors said about it? Is it grave?"

"Uh. Well... is actually-"

A tiny gurgled manifested in the room and Chisaki felt his body froze.

He is fucked. He is so fucked now.

"..Why is it a child doing in here?" Pops said while he made his way to the now noticed crib.

"Uh... that was the 'parasite' which Mimic was reffering to sir..." you nervously talked while you looked besides your husband.

Dear god he was white. His eyes seemed calm but you saw how he turned his hands in fists...

Pops looked at you for a second in disbelief and mentioned for both of you to come closer. Chisaki footsteps were rigid while you felt yourself trembling like a bamboo while you picked up your little boy.

The man offered his two arms slowly in a silently demand for you to hand Kaito to him, and you hesitantly did it without a word.

You and your husband gulped when the man looked at the Kaito's face for the first time.

The silence was killing you but to your relief and sake the elder started to laugh as he carresed the boy little mess of hair with one hand while his other arm holded him firmly.

"I'm a grand Pop now!" Said cheerfully the man boucing the giggling toddler "Damn Kai, now you surprised me really good! You truly gave me a blessing here. The lineage continues in the Shie Hassaikai then with this boy!"

You sighed in relief and admired the now newly grandpa interacting with your son. Kaito seemes to have liked Pops too so your heart finally felt at ease.

Well... that is until you heard a loud "THUMP" besides you.

"KAI?!"

Your husband just collapse on his back. Guess the nerves of forgetting to tell the man who created him that now he had a son were too much for the young leader.

You kneeled and shaked your husband as a try for him to wake up... While Pops were too concentrated on the giggling infant.

"Jesus Christ kid you're the spitting image of your father. Ok now I know it's really yours Kai." He joked "What's your name again?" He looked at the crib "Kaito huh? A great name for a leader."

He finally looked at his knocked out Chisaki while you checked for his pulse, sighing in relief again.

"Kai what the hell you're doing sleeping on the floor? Weren't you germophobic or something? The floor of a hospital is dirty..."

#overhaul x reader #overhaul scenario #fanfic overhaul #chisaki kai imagine scenario #chisaki kai x reader #bnha imagine #bnha x reader #bnha characters #bnha villains #bnha #bnha villain x reader #overhaul #chisaki kai #my writing #zuffer writings

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normal-thoughts-official · 4 years

Note

Do you have any hcs for Magnus taking ppl to pride for the first time? I kinda feel like he’d act as a guide for others, making sure everyone feels safe and happy during their first time. Like, I can picture him bringing daylighter Raphael out for the first time, showing Meliorn around (bc even though they’ve been around for a while, the Seelies don’t really do human stuff) and holding Alec’s hand while he looks around in amazement.

well surprise surprise this got very long. bet y’all never saw that coming

ok so i particularly love this ask because like, the idea of meliorn going to pride for the first time is a riot and i adore it

like seelie society has developed completely independently from mundane society in every way, hell, it existed before humans did. so there's absolutely no reason whatsoever to believe that their culture even has the concepts of gender of sexuality, and believing that it would be the same as modern western ones is just straight up anachronistic tbh

so like personally i hc that seelie society has no gender (and therefore no concept of sexuality in the way that we see it), so the idea of pride- doesn't even make sense to them, cuz there's no concept of these identities, much less a history of oppression that would bring forward the need to celebrate their resistance like there currently is

so meliorn would want to go just to like, see what that's like and what's it all about. and the whole time they're just following Magnus around and like, taking notes. hm, interesting, what is this trans thing again? ah yes, people who dont think their personality matches the one mundanes believe would be brought by their genitals. hm. fascinating. and Magnus is just like, laughing loudly and it's the best pride he's ever been to, because he knows how ridiculous queerphobia and cishetnormativity are, but meliorn can make that so clear in their words in a way thats just, like, fantastic to hear, you know? and they dont even mean to, but it's great all the same

plus meliorn actually does feel good because a lot of people look at them and smile broadly or even wave, especially younger people who are just like, in awe of them and Magnus, who are so unapologetically gnc and indisputably beautiful, and looking at them is just like, inspiring, you know? and Meliorn has never felt this admired and appreciated and they dont even fully understand why, they're just walking around in their usual clothing and leaf makeup and everyone is just like, in love with them. and it's nice. they can tell there's an edge of sadness to the whole thing, like how their normal everyday existence seems to be so shocking and refreshing for these people, but mostly they feel good about it

later they bring their findings to the other seelies - you know, the ones who dont usually leave the realm and are way less familiar with mundane culture(s) than they are - and the others are like. shut up. there's no way this is real. the shape of their genital defines what wavelength they are supposed to find appealing? this makes no sense. and meliorn's like "idk what to tell u buddy i literally physically can't lie" and they're like surely this is an elaborate prank

but anyway it's fun and nice and they enjoy it greatly and ask Magnus a lot of questions, and Magnus loves going with them more than anyone else because its just so fun and the way this is completely unnatural to them feels refreshing - Magnus doesnt have to explain why he feels the way he feels, for once, but rather he has to explain why people dont get that, and thats a good change tbh

okay onto other ppl im sorry for this tangent djdndjdndk RAPHAEL YES. god i just. okay i love the mental image of Magnus taking Raphael to pride aaaaaaaa

like okay first of all so many layeRS to make this emotional, okay. the fact that he's now a daylighter and can enjoy being out in the sun, the fact that this is a bright costumed parade and it kinda reminds him of the día de los muertos parade and makes him feel at home, the fact that he gets to celebrate and meet other ace ppl - just, so many good things going on here dundidmdi

and Raphael was kinda unsure about going because 1- pride can get pretty sexual at times, and while he gets it and doesn't mind other people's business, he doesn't want to be hit on or participate in that; 2- big crowd makes senses go craycray and it can get very overwhelming and he's scared of overload, plus it's just not his scene in general with huge parties and such. but a part of him does want to go and he's torn, so of course Magnus is immediately like "oh dear, don't worry, i can take you, i'll make sure it's good" and Raphael is like okay

so Magnus takes him and it's :') nice, because as always he’s just so attentive. disclosure i’ve only ever been to the São Paulo pride so i’m gonna go with how it works in here but im assuming it’s not that different in like, other places. also São Paulo currently has the biggest pride parade in the world along with NYC so you know, i think it’s influential at the very least

anyway so he finds a section that’s led by ace pride groups, one that’s considerably small (in number of ppl) and spacious, and it’s. nice. very nice. magnus makes it a point to paint the ace pride colors on raphael’s face (we deserve raphael in makeup tbh) and raphael is all like “it’s fine, it’s not like i’ll want to draw a lot of attention” (like he isn’t wearing the ace flag colors already) and magnus is like hush, let me have this, i want my boy to have a good pride experience. so raphael lets him and hides his smile and lets him, and it’s. cute okay

also idk why but i have the mental image of raphael seeing some other latino guy with some sign like. “i’m not your fetish” or something of the sort, and kind of tearing up because his whole life he’s been seen as this kind of sexual fantasy that couldn’t not be about sex, much less not be interested in it, and he feels seen. and it’s nice, okay

and as promised it’s not too overwhelming in matters of like people, tactile issues and such (there’s little magnus can do about the noise other than spell raphael to decrease his sensitivity so he doesn’t get overwhelmed, which is not ideal because it makes communication a bit harder between them, but he does it anyway if raphael asks him to), and if raphael gets tired, they can always turn into a corner and take a portal back home and cuddle the post-crowd jitteriness away. so it’s a success. and raphael hugs magnus later and thanks him and says that it was so great, that he’s missed this, the energy and the colors and the sun, and he never thought he’d get to have it again, and he did thanks to magnus. and magnus hugs him back and tells him “anything for you, my boy,” and it’s the sweetest thing okay im emo

also okay this still falls under Raphael and Meliorn but the POLYCULE okay, or at least saiaphaeliorn. like sign me the fuck up for the 4 of them together at pride, meliorn and magnus helping make some cute pride-themed makeup on the other 3, just aaaaaaaaa. maia looking absolutely gorgeous with her face framed in the bright bi colors, maybe a sunny dress with the trans flag colors? just because i think she’d look so cute in like, a mostly white dress with baby pink and blue details, okay. simon just paints the pan flag on his cheek but it’s still vibrant and cute and it suits him. and ghhghghghg meliorn delicately painting raphael’s face with colorful glitter..... effervescent, okay. just beautiful

and they get to hold hands in public and laugh and crack jokes and simon loves the music and the festival and raphael smiles fondly at him and maia singing along (him and meliorn definitely don’t know what the fuck they’re singing, but it’s okay because they’re clearly happy and that makes the two of them happy too) and just duahsdiahdaiuha soft okay. also they all get to experience meliorn’s takes on the whole thing and it’s fantastic and as usual meliorn gets raphael to laugh until he almost cries, and simon smiles brightly at the sight and gives meliorn a peck for their efforts, and just aaaaaaaa

in short they’re SOFT and i’m SOFT. and look yes i know that usually parades esp big ones are super crowded (lord knows the SP pride parade is an experience) but if in SP with 5 million ppl parading i could find sections with less people where you had enough space to walk holding hands and hear each other and not be overwhelmed, then i’m sure they can too, especially with magic and powers at their disposal. so i’m going to have this

also like. as much fun as this is for magnus (and it definitely is, it’s very nice to get to enjoy to be himself openly, and to bring kids there for their first time, and you know), it’s also bittersweet because like. he was there at stonewall, he was there for the first pride, you know? and apart from the obvious part where he lost so many friends who were there, there’s just. the very bad memories of the riots, because as important as they are and as much as he obviously doesn’t regret them, riots are hard, they are the language of the oppressed. he’s had to magically protect people from being shot by the police, he’s had to withstand trial by the Clave for using magic to shield the people from the tear gas and risking being seen, he’s had to save a lot of lives and he’s failed at it sometimes, too (i’ll always hc that he’s the reason neither Marsha nor Sylvia died during the riots and you can pry that away from my cold, dead hands). and he’s also seen it be whitewashed and lose some of its resistance and meaning, he’s seen Sylvia be booed at a later march when she spoke against imprisonment, and he’s seen so much be lost

and in that sense going to pride with alec later on might be his favorite, because it’s not like, a first time where he’s trying to get everyone to have the most fun they can and shit, you know? plus alec loves watching more than he does participating, he feels way too exposed in the crowded streets with so many openings and whatnot. but watching from a rooftop, where he has the best view, can still hear the sounds and enjoy the colors and the beauty of it from a distance? that’s perfect for him, and it’s a different experience

and magnus sits by his side as they watch, hand in hand, and reminisces about everything that he’s experienced after so many years, all the changes he’s seen, how he feels pride but he also feels loss and he feels old, and he fears what happens if pride’s history is forgotten, you know? and alec listens to him, listens to his version of this story, playing with magnus’ fingers and just enjoying the sound of his voice and the sight. and it’s nice. alec is always super attentive and enjoys hearing him talk and magnus can get lost in his memories unapologetically, you know? and it’s good

but that’s later on, of course, when they’ve already attended plenty together. for alec’s first pride he probably wants it to be like, perfect, so much so that alec has to tell him to slow down again, because of course magnus wants alec to have The Full Pride Experience, but alec would rather soak it up slowly than participate in a lot of stuff, anyway. magnus paints the rainbow flag on his cheek (one of the only occasions alec lets magnus put glitter on him, then promptly complains for the next three months because i swear that stuff is still on my skin, magnus, the other day i found some on my shoes! and magnus laughs at his antics as always and alec is forced to laugh too and can’t even be mad) and they kind of stay more by the end, and alec is kind of smiling in disbelief to himself the whole time as he watches all the colors and the unapologetic way people express their pride, and magnus can’t stop looking at him and grinning, too. and they walk hand in hand and it’s cute

(later, magnus says, see, mundane culture isn’t so bad, is it? and alec looks at him with a way more serious look, full of joy and happiness, and says, no, it isn’t. and kisses him and thanks him for everything, and it’s sweet)

also I'm soft thinking about Magnus reminiscing about planning the first pride along with "his dear friend Brenda" to Alec and/or Raphael, them putting their arms around his shoulder as he tells them the softer stories, too, the good things they did

small bonus: Magnus plays 2 truths and a lie with Simon regarding his memories of past prides, and Simon gets it wrong every time and is all wide eyed by the end, which makes both Magnus and Raphael laugh :)

#ask #anonymous #sh #shadowhunters #magnus bane #malec #The Polycule™#saiaphaeliorn #simon lewis #maia roberts #raphael santiago #meliorn #alec lightwood #brotp: i'll do whatever it takes to protect them

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unordinary-analysis · 4 years

Text

EPISODE 164

Honorable mentions:

Idea: Arlo becomes a fake joker. Idk if he does it either to take down john or just try to use the authority to fix the school, but im entertained by the idea lmao

I miss Cecile but that’s just a given. I miss her even when she’s in the actual episode lol

Technically Arlo’s not the king anymore but everyone’s still terrified of him and I live for that

Arlo and Rei’s ‘I always have a reason’ parallels are great but that just be my love for parallels talking im not sure yet

Not gonna talk about Blyke again until we see him next because apparently you guys very much disagreed with what i said about what he was going to do in my last episode thing so- I want more information to do off of, but honestly, im still kind of sticking to what I originally thought. Blyke getting enhancement drugs, it makes sense you guys are just mean isudhgfusjhgf

Back on that ‘anyways is my favorite word’ agenda

Colors are nice

The last section isn’t very professional but thats just because i was freaking out about the last scene and it very much shows im just so excited guys

This episode, episode 164, marks the 50th episode since I started writing these, so that’s fun.

Also: this is over a week late, I know, but until i post this, know that i haven’t read any episodes after this episode (ep 164). A lot of times when I am late with these I either forget (it’s constant and often and becoming an issue) or im doing something else that’s creative related that i feel the same obligation to do as the obligation to do this (? Making sense? Not sure), and school.so that’s why this is late oops

Ignore that its not important im just sorry this is late

Anyway, here’s the analysis/commentary/review (? Still confused about this) for episode 164

Also half of this is not proofread because theres a chance if i do that ill get even more writers block even though that technically shouldn’t happen but it does and i just want this out so sorry if some sentences completely cut off or i just don’t talk about something because oops is it worth it at this point

Fake Jokers:

Starting with this because, hey, chronological order. In the beginning of this episode Arlo is approaching a group of students gathered around a piece of paper stuck onto the bulletin board saying that there are fake jokers running around. One of the bystanders is seen saying, “I wouldn’t mind being Joker for a day.” This isn’t very concerning by itself because we already know that people are already doing this, but I just want to point out that the reporter who tried to publish the story about the fake Jokers argued that they should because the students needed to be warned against the fake jokers. What the bystander in this episode tells us is that this reporter was wrong and Isen was in fact right (we been knew but).

Something bigger that I want to bring up is that now because lots of students have been exposed to the idea of faking being Joker, more and more are obviously going to be doing it, which I kind of already just said, but the consequences of such a thing are what intrigue me. If the school is suddenly filled with fake jokers and students are already aware that the majority of the jokers are fake, the Joker mantle is going to lose its significance. No student would take any joker seriously, even if it happened to be the real one.

The thing about that is that the real Joker, John, won’t be able to use his authority as well anymore. If nobody recognizes Joker as the king anymore (what with so many low-tiers also wearing the mask), they’re not going to listen to him. It basically means that John wouldn’t be king anymore. And, though I’m still confused on if John even really wants to be king, if he wanted to be, if he wanted that authority, he would have to find a better way to present himself. It means that John would either have to figure out a way to separate himself from the other jokers (I don’t really know) or reveal his identity to the whole school. This would be something huge, especially because, to John’s knowledge, Sera doesn’t even know who he is yet. But who knows, by the time the decision rolls around or things escalate enough, he might have figured out what she knows.

Another interesting idea is that John would take advantage of this situation to let himself be lost among the fake jokers and disappear, leaving the school without a king anymore and also in chaos, because honestly who. Knows. What the fuck. He wants. Not me.

I do think, however, that John will stay as king. Because every once in a while he’ll make some comment suggesting that, and in one of the recent episodes, he got pissed that someone was impersonating him and if wants to blend in again and not be recognized for his power, I doubt he would act like that.

Isen/Arlo confrontation:

So, in this episode we get Isen yelling at Arlo, which you love to see, and I’m here to talk about it yay.

Isen, at the beginning of the scene, is very nervous and scared of what Arlo would do when he comes, which is very understandable. That dude is scary but anyways, once Arlo does show up and starts yelling, which was exactly what Isen was afraid of, instead of letting himself retreat into his fear, Isen argues back at Arlo, which to be fair probably wasn’t an active decision, supported by how he acts after he yells at Arlo. Isen just blurts out what’s in his head and it’s pretty eye-opening. Isen yells that he never wanted to be given any of the responsibilities given to him by Arlo. He specifically talks about his role as head of the newspaper, but he says later in a much more general way that Arlo forces people into responsibilities that they either don’t want or aren’t ready for. This makes me think back to the beginning of the comic when Arlo made Isen dig up information on John. Isen acted pretty scared and squirrelly once he found out something he knew Arlo wouldn’t want to hear, and that behavior is very much repeated in this episode. Anyway, back to what’s happening currently. Isen defends himself against Arlo saying that Arlo’s accusations weren’t even fair because Isen tried to do the best he could to stop the news of the fake jokers from getting out. Also, it really doesn’t make sense to be blaming Isen for someone else leaking the information (without him knowing) and posting it on a public board (not even affiliated with the school newspaper). What happened is not a result of Isen’s bad leadership, or at least that what Isen tries to argue. Arlo has some other ideas on that subject though. Arlo thinks that if Isen were a better leader, the other students would just listen to him and not go behind his back to publish the information, which I have some thoughts on.

First of all, the fact that Arlo thinks this is the bare minimum for leadership speaks a lot about him. Arlo was the last king of Wellston, which means he was a leader, and he doesn’t think he was a bad one. I think Arlo thought he was a really great leader, because he was to be honest. He fixed the mess that Rei made and kept the students under control. Anyway, Arlo thinking that people follow good leaders with this blind loyalty and trust means that that was the case under his leadership. I just want to say that this probably means that Arlo thinks John is a shit leader, but we been knew. But who knows, John might have that kind of leadership and it would be for the same reason that I think Arlo did: power. Arlo is obviously one of the most powerful people at Wellston. Even more so than his title of king, and probably even his leadership skills, there is no doubt that the reason so many people followed him was this, especially considering the type of society UnOrdinary was. John, as Joker, has lots of authority and power among the Wellston students, which we talked about in the first section, and no one can doubt that it’s because of one thing: his power. People follow powerful people, it’s the way of the world, it’s how hierarchy works. But what I want to point out in relation to this episode is that Arlo seems to pushing this expectation of “leadership” onto Isen. Arlo is undoubtedly a fantastic leader, but as I keep. Repeating. His power plays a huge part in the respect given to him. Isen, though definitely more powerful than some, doesn’t exactly have that power. Not to the extent that Arlo or John has at least. And because of this, obviously, doing what Arlo and John are doing won’t work in the same way for Isen because it’s not enough. He doesn’t have that power backing him up, which is why Arlo’s expectations are unreasonable for him, which is why Isen keeps saying that he can’t do it and it understanding this is why Arlo keeps saying that Isen can. The line, “we’re not all as capable as you are!” From Isen really emphasizes this, though it probably was misunderstood by Arlo as, ‘we’re not as good leaders are you are,’ which might also be true, but that’s not what Isen’s trying to communicate.

Now that I’ve talked about that, there’s something else in this scene that catches attention. After Isen’s outburst at him, Arlo thinks about what he said and firstly, agrees with Isen that he really does set high expectations for people, but secondly, he says that, “it’s never without a reason…” Now, this stood out over Isen’s argument when I first read the episode because of how blunt the statement is. It surprised me in a kind of way. Arlo telling himself that he always has a reason for setting high expectations of people. I was especially intrigued by the pairing of that statement with Arlo’s mental image of John. If Arlo truly feels that he had a reason for believing in John, what was it? I know that he wanted John to accept his responsibilities as a high-tier, but that’s not what Arlo is saying in this episode. He’s saying there’s a reason that he gives people responsibility. Does Arlo have some specific reason for wanting John to have authority? Does it go past that drive inside of Arlo that tells him that people need to be put into their places just because. I wouldn’t really be thinking much about this at all (especially considering that it it very in character for Arlo to make John resume his place purely to secure them hierarchy) if it wasn’t for the fact that only John’s face showed up in between the lines, “I do set high expectations for others,” and, “But it’s never without a reason…” the placement automatically makes me assume that it was chosen for a reason. But who knows, that might just have been a way to remind the reader that Arlo is constantly being reminded of what happened between him and John and how it affected everything.

Anyway, these lines also have me thinking about Arlo’s recent turmoil with himself about John and the part Arlo played in the whole Joker situation. We know that Arlo has been blaming himself for this for a while now because without his interference, John would never have decided to dethrone him and all of the other royals, or at least not to the extent that he did. But in this episode, seeing Arlo talk about how everything he does has a reason and especially those later panels after Arlo leaves the room showing him when he was younger, it’s starting to make me think that Arlo is changing his way of thinking.

“But it’s never without a reason” He swings wildly from agreeing with his past decisions and disagreeing with them, but maybe because this is the most recent, he’s finally realized that he hasn’t been the one in the wrong this whole time. I’m not exactly sure and I don’t want to assume based completely off of one scene, but I really am hoping for some development in this way for Arlo because a. I love him and b. More hatred centered around John, which would mean more drama and I love that. Not much more to say about this

The Talk (wink wink):

I hate what i called this section because i thought of it at like 4am but i dont know what else to call it so- anyways the biggest thing that happened this episode has to be when Arlo and Seraphina met up to talk because if you read my posts, you know that I’ve been begging for this for a while and can I say, im hyped.

First, I want to start with something small, but something that is bothering me. Seraphina seems so pissed at Arlo doing this whole scene, and for what? Honestly, I hope im not biased or anything because I absolutely love Arlo, but he really hasn’t done much wrong in this whole joker situation. The only rational reason I can think of for Sera being pissed at him is because of the whole Arlo fighting john in that clearing like a long fucking time ago. Which, you know, I understand, but at the same time, recently, Arlo has obviously been trying to only help you and tell you the truth, you were the one who was being difficult. I honestly think that she’s just in this state of pissed off because of John, but i don’t know. I hope I’m not forgetting any shit because if im being honest, i don’t pay as much attention to her storyline as I should, especially recently, because i do not care that much for her character, at least not as much as the others. So yeah. R.I.P. that. I don’t know. This isn’t important i think im just very Arlo biased sorry bout that.

OKAY FIRST OF ALL THEIR CONVERSATION STARTING WITH ARLO REMINISCING WITH SERAPHINA ABOUT WHEN THEY WERE THE KING AND QUEEN OF WELLSTON IS ACTUALLY BASICALLY EXACTRLY HOW IVE WRITTEN WHAT I WANT THEIR FRIENDSHIP TO BECOME AFTER THIS AND I WISH THEY TALKED MORE ABOUT THAT ASPECT BECAYSE i would actually die for Arlo and sera to realize that the only thing that kept them apart was not realizing how much they had in fucking common and in reality they were the two people who understood each other the most and i know i sound very confusing because i just talked about how i love Arlo and how i dont love sera all that much but that is beside. The. Point.

Anyway, Arlo talks about how successful their leadership was (back to that common motif of leadership that Arlo just seems to carry around) and how now that that’s changed, the school’s whole vibe has been horribly threw off and shit is happening and he has no clue how to fix it ( I am so sorry for my god awful gen z vocabulary I realize these posts become just completely cheapened because of that but i dont know how else to communicate sorry bout that). Anyway, this struck me as a weird way to start this conversation because Arlo hadn’t reached out to sera before this to talk about john (after she found out about him at least) and it seems to me that he would want to talk to her about that, but the disarming way that Arlo starts talking took me off guard. I’m not really sure about why yet or what I want to say about that,but that confused me.

Anyway, it doesn’t really matter because sera brings up john herself and directs that conversation where we knew it would go, but at the same time she starts talking about feelings too and this is just so weird because Arlo and sera both are characters who we’re not used to really seeing talk about their feelings and stuff. I think that this has changed though recently for both of them because of the stuff they’ve been through and im here for it, but anyways, i should really talk about the actual contents of their conversation hold up.

But the thing fucking is.

I have to wait for the next episode to fucking get the actual content of their conversation ikfuhefhbejkfhieuhfgieughfnierugniejnrgkjergnkejgnieknjgvkdlnv. *upset noises*

#unordinary #uno #webtoon #unordinary webtoon #official #episode 164 #happy 50th one of these me #sorry its hella late

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indulgnces · 5 years

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hi howdy hello!! i go by jess and this is my first time playing my sweet bb girl, so i’m pumped! more about my girl audrey below the cut!

❛ ( SARAH JEFFERY ) ◈ dude, shut up ! AUDREY ROSE from DESCENDANTS is on screen. their fans swear they’re just DETERMINED & OUTGOING, but we’ve all seen their JEALOUS & STUBBORN side ! according to TRUMAN WIKIA, they’re TWENTY-ONE years old, BISEXUAL, & identify as CISFEMALE ( SHE/HER ). they’re currently a STUDENT & are RELIEVED about life in truman. luckily they have HER DIARY & HER SONGBIRD NECKLACE with them & can visit THE FAIRY COTTAGE whenever they want. penned by JESS.

sooooooooo confession: i’ve never watched a descendants movie from start to finish 😬 I know! crazy considering I’m playing a character from the movies, but like, have you guys ever seen a character and just be like wOW, that is My Type of character? cause that’s what happened with audrey. descendants 3 came out and was trending, and I checked the tag and like was 👀👀👀 to audrey to the point that I watched queen of mean and got HOOKED. caught a replay of the movie and watched all the audrey parts while skipping over the rest. since then I’ve been in love with my girl and she’s been on my mind so much that I’m returning to rp after a small break to play my girl. In preparation I skimmed through descendants 1 & 3, and adurey’s youtube short story so I’m good to GO.

CANON LIFE

“A lifetime of plans, gone. Our family status, gone. Audrey, you were supposed to be his Queen, and you let him slip through your fingers. Your mother could hold onto a prince in her sleep.”

daughter of sleeping beauty and prince phillip, princess audrey has been groomed since she was a child by her grandmother to become the queen of auradon. she’d been friends with prince ben since she was a child, and was expected to marry him when she got older.

grew up used to the finer things of life, and as such, audrey was a bit self-absorbed and spoiled. became the most popular girl in school due to her status and beauty. was cheer captain. finally became romantically involved with ben at some point in high school. life was going exactly as planned.

then ben decided to invite 4 villain kids (vks) from the isle of the lost to auradon, and everything went to shit. the stark black and white, good vs. evil mentality was deeply ingrained in audrey’s psyche, so she was very much AGAINST the idea of any isle kids coming over. convinced the vks were up to no good, she never warmed up to the them, and bullied them (mostly mal) at times. and you know what? she was RIGHT

mal used a love potion to steal her boyfriend, who then humiliated audrey by serenading mal during a tourney match, where audrey was cheering at. no one gave two shits though?? or suspected foul play at all?? they just cheered and were like “ah, cool! our soon-to-be-king has suddenly declared his love for this new vk who’s only been here for a few days! how awesome and totally natural !! “

audrey was still plenty popular by the end of the movie, but her fairy godmothers decided to treat adurey to a spa trip, which turned into an extended trip that required her needing summer school bc she missed so much school (aka why she was absent for descendants 2)

by the time audrey came back in descendants 3, everyone was ALL up mal’s ass crack. ben proposed to mal in front of everyone, serenading her with the SAME song he did in the first movie when he ceremoniously proclaimed his love for mal while simultaneously dumping audrey, and everyone cheered AGAIN for their union. damn thing broke audrey’s whole ass heart. on top of that, her grandmother chastised audrey for her failures in securing ben and basically failing the family.

she also lost her status come d3??? like, at the end of d1, she was still cool as fuck. but come d3 girl is not even being invited to her friend’s birthday parties anymore?? she has no friends?? no one gives two shits about how she must be dealing with everything? and wow does that not help things at all.

that night, in her loneliness and anger, audrey decided to steal the queen’s crown from the artifacts museum. it was a petty thing. she was hurt, and just did NOT want to see the crown she’d envisioned as her own for all her life be placed on mal’s head. she didn’t have a goal beyond taking the crown. however, when she went to the museum, maleficent’s scepter sensed audrey’s emotions and desires for revenge, and revealed itself to her. it’s glow lured audrey to it, fed into her emotions, and bing bang boom, audrey became the ultra fabulous QUEEN OF MEAN

under the scepter's influence, she put half of auradon under a sleeping spell, the other half she turned to stone, then she made ben a beast after he rejected her, and made mal an ugly old hag. she was foiled at the end by mal, and ended up falling under a sleeping curse as a result. with no True Love’s Kiss to awaken her (rip), the heroes ended up getting Hades to use his magic to wake her up.

at the end, she apologizes for her crimes & her emotions were finally acknowledged when mal and ben stepped up and apologized for their inconsiderate past actions to audrey (wELL, they never actually apologize?? they say ‘I owe you an apology” but both don’t like actually say sorry, and that’s 100% something audrey has noticed for sure). she celebrates at the end with everyone else when the barrier is brought down and is last seen dancing with harry hook

POST CANON

totally headcanon that she’s still not 100% happy as she’s shown in the end while dancing around okay

she’s STILL lonely!! she STILL wants those apologies!! she’s STILL lost about what to do with her future now that her whole life plan has blown up in smokes. she’s HURT okay. her friends? abandoned her! ben? abandoned her! that one hurts the most bc after spotting that pic of audrey/ben as children together, I 100% hc that they have been best buds for years before falling into a relationship. and while it’s clear ben was not really ~in love~ with audrey ( i image they ended up getting together bc it was just Expected yknow?), audrey still had feelings for ben. even if it wasn’t true love (she def wasn’t In Love tho she thought she was), she did still love ben. he was her best friend, and the fact that he never came around to apologize to her for humiliating her the way he did after the love spell broke HURT.

also hc that she had to take a remedial goodness class following her stunt

the ending given to her is life a brief showing of her and harry hook smiling at each other all soft like before dancing, which like, i’m game for, but in terms of her actual future, audrey was trying to figure out just how to do life moving forward following everything

TRUMAN

“Tell me it was all a bad dream.”

yeah so I said audrey was relieved about her life in truman? 100000% true!

her life was incredibly sad and lonely before, so convincing her that all that shit was all just a bad dream was an incredibly easy thing to do for the descendants actors okay (im sad for her bc of this tbh)

her life as she knows it: she still comes from a family of high status and money. not technically a princess, but she sure does act like one. believes she was born and raised in truman, but was sent to boarding school at auradon prep since she was a child, where she thrived and grew into a typical Popular Girl (head of cheer team/one of the most beautiful girls), before returning to truman after graduating. basically she believes she had the same perfect life she had before in canon, minus the vks, ben, and the whole fairy tale/royalty stuff (basically everything that ruined that perfect life).

all that other extra stuff, including going all queen of mean and losing ben and being drop kicked by literally everyone, is just POOF, fuzzy memories, bad vivid horror story nightmares! every now and then she’ll witness an engagement, or spot a serenade, and it’ll trigger an overwhelming sense of sadness, but for the most part, she’s content putting her life behind her. her new life is a much happier one. that could totally change once she starts encountering people from her past life again.

only really recognizes her family members as family members, and maybe recognizes some past auradon friends (maybe chad charming as her ex since he’s the only one who didn’t totally abandon her rip)

since “returning” to truman, she’s entered university on the island. she wasn’t sure where she was going with life, but she knew she’s always been really good at drawing and really good at event planning. so in uni, she decided to keep her artistic talents as a hobby and pursue a career in event planning. in pursuit of this, she’s a senior at college, majoring in hospitality management.

PERSONALITY

positive: determined, headstrong, outgoing, self-assured, polite, moral, dedicated

negative: jealous, stubborn, demanding, bossy, petty, close-minded, seemingly mean (tho she doesn’t consider herself mean, okay? she just can come off as mean/rude)

CANON CONNECTIONS

ben & mal: need them both bc they are the ones who hurt her the most so i’d loooooove to play out these dynamics in truman!! they’d be the most Triggering faces for her

jay & harry & chad & uma: underrated audrey ships i’d love to play out bc literally crumbs are given to the majority of these dynamics, and so I want to just...explore them?? three of these 4 are vks and 2 of those 3 are people audrey actively pursued in some sort of ~connection~ at the end of the movies when the Couples got together, and she did that even tho she is very Moral and has confusing feelings about vks, and i just wanna know more!!

TRUMAN CONNECTIONS

yeah this is getting long, so I’m planning on posting a whole separate post in the truman plot tag for these wanted connections!

and yeah! that’s everything on my girl! if you’ve made it this far, you’re the best my dudes!! I’m gonna be on mobile for a good portion of the day before coming on at night, but if you’d like to do any kind of plotting with my girl, just go ahead and hit that like button, and I’ll slide in y’alls dms! ♥

#truman:intro #♦ audrey rose — intro.#intro

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palukoo · 4 years

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so a couple months ago i relistened to w359 and made a 18000 word document while doing so containing iconic quotes, my reactions, feelings, et cetera. heres some highlights with varying amounts of context. (theres lowkey spoilers for the whole series btw)

""""i empathize too much""""

crazy how i still vividly remember walking outside [my old job] and to starbucks while listening to the spider ep... trauma

i mean i dont love it but it makes me feel things

GABRIEL THATS TOO ON THE NOSE

"let me have my badass space chick victory cocktail"

god like i AM team what wrong with handcuffs but I WOULD NOT HESITATE to kill hilbert for hera

the girlssss are fightinggg

THE SAD W359 MUSIC IS KILLING ME

like memoria who maxwell who jk jk

i love you renee minkowski marry me

local idiot's heart is in the right place

HARPOOOOOOONSSSS

lovelace lovelace lovelace loveLACE LOVELACE

"maybe she's some kind of clone thing" EIFFEL... this is day 1!!!

i hate these self sacrificial idiots

no no no not this music again ill cry

yall are so emotionally stunted it fucking hurts but damn if you dont care

literally how are they still alive

i want to hug her so much omg

alan rody shut the FUCK up im crying

rip zach valenti's throat

face the death reality via math

jacobi being a piece of shit

maxwell said lets kill hilbert rights

this is a kepler hate blog

minkowski thinking her emotions dont matter to the mission oh ho ho

"youre gonna straighten up" cutter they cant theyre not straight

maxwell and jacobi show up and blow up lads

"and you should really be more careful with your queen" KEPLER WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

wolf 359 stop making me stan these literally terrible people

FUNZO FUNZO FUNZO

i am caring about men tonight lads

theyre both awful sure go ahead have history

hilbert you interrupted their emotional moment they wouldve had a MOMENT

hera said im gay

ohhhh nooo interpersonal conflict makes me sad

hug minkowski rn

FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC jacobi and maxwell are iconic

minkowski how did you not kill him

how much do yall use the words "good enough" and "cant"

"are you an alien" GOD the Hints

"one of our... sexier jobs" vs "this is gonna said less sexy after that"

eiffel stop cockblocking them

y'all's choice of pronouns IS illuminating

PROTECT HERA AT ALL COSTS

aw eiffel... minkowski... communication is KEY

oh yeah THATS what the psi wave regulator is for.... SURE

hilbert read the room

JACOBI you can't just describe minkowski like that without giving me a heart attack

how many times have all these bitches almost died

SORRY ANYTHING THEY SAY I LOSE IT

oh minkowski finally flipped (VALID)

oh wait that fact isnt fun at all and im literally crying

LIKE sometimes you save someone's life at great personal risk only to kill her a little while later

minkowski cries to “back to before” from ragtime

i feel to many things about the gals here idk what to tell you i love them thats the problem

its gay and it hurts!

lovelace laughing at people who can and will kill her... hot

OH WERE STARTING LOVELACES SELF SACRIFICE ALREADY

they let lovelace say FUCK

OH WAIT NO I FORGOT ITS WORSE

THANKS FOR MURDERING ME WITH YOUR TEARY ANGRY VOICE

ouchie anyways gay or no but also gay

hilarious and sad at the same time?

MAXWELL dont be a bitch... i expect this from jacobi and honestly i actually expect this from maxwell too but i dont like it

NO NOT THIS MUSIC

BROTP BROTP BROTP

i cant say anything else im too busy crying

UGH I COULD WRITE ESSAYS ON MY THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS THE MESSAGE THE TAKEAWAY BROADLY THE PERSONAL EMOTIONAL ANGUISH THE DESIRE TO HUG HERA ITS

im mad but thank you... all of you... explain...

stop stop stop im literally so tense gone straight from sobbing to freeze instinct

GOD I HATE ALL THESE SURVIVALS GUILT IDIOTS

OH theyre all about uncertainty... the what ifs... okay... ouch ouch ouch

give everyone awards for bolero

eris are you gay

she said gay rights and AI rights

like i know i know we been knew but goddard really is so awful

Hera stop narrating Lovelace’s ongoing existential crisis

HOW IS THIS NOT GAY (I know how it’s not gay but. Let me have this)

KEPLER stop giving Lovelace insecurities and existential crises

Team back off lovelace for the win

like not to be dramatic but her arc is beautiful

oh boy thats my girlsssss

THATS FLIRTING MINKOWSKI

god i love that concern for your gf keep it up minkowski

COMMUNICATION? WITH THIS CREW? BOLD

GOD angrey hera is great

you know hera is having the time of her life witnessing it

eiffel you just ruined their romantic moment

minkowski is gonna kill them

a much better gayer more altruistic light

WE’RE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT COMMUNICATION

WAIT I WAS BEING CANON DAMN I THOUGHT I WAS BEING CREATIVE AND PERHAPS OOC BUT IM IN THE CLEAR I GUESS

god hera has needed to snap at eiffel for so long

i can already feel myself about to get hit with the tears... the emotions

that shit hits different renee

The implications that Goddard like destroyed global warming omfg

it’s the moral grayness babeyyy

when it hits you with minkowski's shaky sigh first thing you know its gonna hit different

MINKOWSKI i need you to. love yourself as much as i love you

GOD the mutual concern they always have for each other is touching whether or not you think its gay. i think its gay

HERA WOULD YOU ASK A COW TO NOT BE A COW

oh of COURSE they cut coms first

lovelace is man, butterfly is quote, it says "is this flirting"

jacobi i need you to chill

but jacobiiiii thats lovelaces schtick

oh eiffel... you fucking idiot who gets really lucky sometimes

this game of chicken where theyre both chickens and kepler doesnt know any of that and each of them only know half

minkowski said im an ethics teacher now

who taught minkowski empathy in high stress situations?

yeah so i stay hitting the nail on the head

“kepler SHUT UP” is what brings everyone together

this is, como se dice.... kinda gay

this statement does not bode well for that

“Maybe less talking to yourself” he says to himself

ugh, to be Pop Culture Man™️

RACHEL i love you even tho I also hate you

Rachel if you make one more hand joke I’ll lose my mind

HER NAME!!!! IS HERA!!!! And I love her!!

i have a vivid mental image of post-series eiffel doing stand up like chris fleming style

"my crew has made it very clear through a series of looks and gestures that one more slip up and i am out, thats it, so im taking this job very seriously"

"minkowski is very overprotective in a weird, erratic way, like when your seat belt randomly locks and its like i appreciate what youre trying to do but im going 4mph in a drive way."

"so when something like this happens you have to at least consider going away for a long time and living on a cursed space station"

"you know how when maxwell and hera are talking ive never felt less needed, you know, like ‘cause you guys would be totally happy alone on a rock in the middle of a lake"

"this is the kind of body you look at and go he'd probably be ok in space without a space suit"

the whole "theater kids" video is actually him going off about minkowski

minkowski is too swole for her own good

jacobi im gonna need you to take the redemption arc more seriously

i love my crazy crazy bitches

this FUCKING music

GOD HOW DOES PRYCE JUST ALWAYS GET WORSE

she just like mutilated that man he is doa absolutely destroyed one hit ko

can you tone down the gay, sweetie

you did it you broke rachel and Goddard down to their bare essentials

GOSH shes so AWKWARD

so damn jacobi was just IMMEDIATELY ride or die for maxwell

this is too much for my poor baby heart

pryce & carter literally are just like lets do eugenics, lets do genocide

when hera says ill pull a yall and sacrifice myself for minkowski and lovelace

god like cant believe KEPLER got a redemption arc (well not arc but you know)

ah yes the most tragic scenes all take place at once :)

I HAD TO STOP LISTENING TO BRAVE NEW WORLD CAUSE IT MADE ME TOO CRAZYYYY

THE SCRIPT SAID IT NOT ME

i love space moms!

this fucking music ALAN RODY IM SUING FOR DAMAGES

like the document also does have a lot of like deep thoughts and meta and parallels and discussion of motivations but this is just fun random things i said

#wolf 359 #w359 #i think im funny #im not gonna do character tags lol #my post #gotta love my trend of telling the music to fuck off

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boy-porridge-vent · 5 years

Text

Day 1

***Trigger Warning for most of this post!*** :(

New vent account, I just have a lot to get off my chest, not right now per-say but in general, a lot has happened and I’m not coping well.

To start off, I’ve relapsed into self harm again

Not only cutting, but nearly everything I was able to get myself to stop doing.

* I’ve begun to cut again, it’s now to the point where it gets deeper & messier each time I have a panic attack/breakdown (whatever the difference is).

* Im scratching & biting a lot more

* Punching myself until I bruise

* Weighing myself constantly, about 3-10 times a day, it’s in secret though since the scale is kinda hidden in my basement ever since my parents took it away

* Ive begun to check calories & count them. Before this past month, Ive never done this before & now it’s almost like a nervous habit! :(

* I’ve relasped into my an*rexia urges again. I’ve been having trouble with my body image & eating since about 5th grade; not to get too personal, but my mom was & still is hard on me, always called me ugly or fat because of an early puberty that made my body change quickly in a pretty gross way. Had a lot of acne since 4th grade;;; anyways, because of all that, and finding Onision, I was obsessed with his UhOhBro channel around 5th grade & took some of his more serious videos related to starvation & self harm to mind and tried it on myself because, despite him having a stone-cold hatred for it, I was a dumb kid and didn’t listen. So yeah, 5th grade I would starve myself or eat very little; 6th grade I kinda stopped but struggled with my clothing choice/identity more; 7th grade I struggled with gender; 8th grade was when an*rexia came back, more severely than ever, but it happened in short bursts over a few months, I also started cutting but very rarely; 9th I was much more happy & settled down just a bit, really figured out who I was; 10th things weren’t exactly the best, cutting came back & began to be more frquent but not deep; 11th was the worst, I’ve now been eating very little ever since school started, first day back wasnt exactly the best & I ended up cutting again for the first time in months moments after I got home.

A lot more has happened since then and it’s only gotten worse. I don’t know what to do anymore

I don’t mean for any of this to make anybody upset or possibly relapse/get urges themselves when reading all this, I get so sad when I see others struggling too, I always try to help any of my friends or even random people online if they post a vent. I love bein there to support & help, even help get people to come out of serious relapses! But when it comes to myself, I tend to feel no pity, like I deserve this. There’s something wrong with me in my head, this has been gong on for years, every year feels worse than before, and yet everytime Ive gone to my dad, principles, teachers, or school counselors, they never help! They tell me off, saying Im fine, I dont need a therapist because therapists are scammers, or that I just need to be more positive & get over it.

Ive been told this for years, so maybe… it’s just me who’s to blame. Im the only one who sees what’s happening because it’s not really a big deal. I just make it seem wore than it is in my head. I have friends who care & ask if Im okay, ask if they can help, but honestly they cant help. They can support & I’ll vent to them but it doesn’t fix anything, I vent but it doesn’t fix my mind or my empty stomach or my hand reaching for my same used razor. Nothing has helped and I’m worried that after a while Im going to end up killing myself, whether it’s on purpose or it happens on accident when I go too deep. I have a lot I wish to do in my life, but at the same time, with all this shit that’s happened and how my life feels as if it keeps getting worse everyday, I will admit that at this point if I DID die, I guess I wouldn’t be too upset. I am scared of what will happen after death, nobody knows what happens, but I know that I am legally an organ donor, and I do have part of my will typed up in the case that I do die suddenly one day, so I guess it isn’t too bad.

I will be honest, Ive never been exactly suicidal before, but these past 4 months I think I’ve been legitamately suicidal and ready to go whenever I have a breakdown. Everytime I relapse I think of just ending it all right then and there, but then pussy out because I think about my few friends, my followers on other social media, my pets, my plants, and other people I wish to change the lives of in the future. I want to adopt a kid someday and give them what I didn’t get, treat them as I wished to be treated, help them grow up into the person I wish I had by my side growing up. They’d be my child, I’d be their parent, but we’d also be best friends. I wanted to start my own show, my own comic, my own booth at cons, meet so many people, get married, do music, so many things

but honestly, I don’t think I’ll live much longer after my senior year of highschool. I’m planning on finishing this year out, trying to finish my senior year, graduate, then I’ll leave this Earth with a bang. Maybe literally, or maybe through some other way of suicide, I don’t know. I might even do it sometime before I graduate. Not to make people sad, not for attention and pity, but because I can’t continue on like this, and I want the people who’ve wronged me to see what they did. I want those who refused to help, even when I was in front of them screaming & begging them to get me some kind of therapy or help, to see what they caused. I want them to see that I wasn’t just some sensitive crybaby that needed to get over himself, I want them to see that mental illness can run rampant in anybody & they need to be open to helping those who really need it.

Ive been through so much. Ive been bullied, made fun of by my own mother, neglected by her, pysically/emotionally/mentally/VERBALLY/and even sexually abused by an ex partner of mine, Ive been literally harrassed, Ive been used solely for sex by nearly every single ex of mine, Ive been manipulated/guilt tripped/gas-lighted/made to feel as if my abuse was my fault, Ive been punished by my school for being abused by my ex! Yet everyone who has ever hurt me in these ways always got away with it scott-free. Why? I have no idea. I like to say that they’re let off the hook because I don’t come to school with black eyes, broken bones, bruises, and mascara running down my face. Abuse is abuse, it doesn’t have to have visible signs. Yet, mine does. I have self harm wounds, not because I blame them for making me self harm (as one of my exes once did), but because of trauma I still deal with that stemmed from their treatment of me. I have nightmares about my ex and her treatment toward me. I get SCARED when my mom comes home. I get nervous walking into school. I hate being touhed physically because it reminds me of so many people from the past getting physical and leaving me in the dirt afterward, even when I trusted them with everything. I hate saying I love you to anybody because of how little it means when others say it to me. Many partners would send hearts & “I love you"s, then throw me out like I was garbage.

I’m so tired of it all.

But maybe it’s all my fault. Maybe Im the problem. Im too quiet. Im too much of a pacifist. I hate confrontation. I hate violence. I hate hating people. If Im hurt by someone, even being abused, I always forgive and let them back in, and I get hurt again over and over. But on the rare chance that I dont forgive, when I do hate them with every cell in me, then for some reason, I can’t get them away, I can’t get them out of my life. They’re always around as a constantly reminder of what happened and how I was used and how I will never change, I’ll never be able to stick up for myself.

if all that is going to happen in my life involves me being used for sex, money, or compliments to make others feel higher about themselves, then I don’t want to be around anymore. But I can’t just kill myself on a whim and call it a day.

I wouldn’t exactly say this is why I self harm, my self harm isn’t a choice, it just… kind of happens. It’s an addiction; scientifically, it has been proven to have addictive tendencies, which is why it’s so hard to stop once you’ve started/relapsed. I self harm because it’s an addiction that I can’t help, and becaue of bottled up, unresolved trauma that gets worse with every new day that I keep it bottled up for.

This isn’t going to get better. Sorry for typing out so much too. I have an issue with piling all my thoughts and how I feel into multiple huge paragraphs, so there’s much more of that to come.

Also to come, weight updates & keeping track of what I eat/how long I can go with no food whatsoever. So far I’ve gone about 1/ maybe 2??? days straight, though I stayed home today so I did have to eat dinner, which caused me to gain 1 pound. But I lost 4.5 pounds in that day of not eating, so I can lose that 1 pound pretty quickly. Plus my metabolism is very very fast, so even if I did eat a lot I’d lose all that weight in a few hours/a day or two, depending on how much I ate.

This is day 1 of my further decline.

September 01, 2019

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bananadineapple · 6 years

Text

Distraction >> phase 2

PROMPT: It's Y/N's birthday. In the Avengers tower where Bucky was set to distract Y/N from a party, she was already distracted herself while walking back. It didn't help as well when she sees Bucky with his bare arms and toned body sitting in the middle of the couch.

PAIRING: Bucky x slightlyOCD!Reader

WORD COUNT: 5,564

WARNINGS: Language, a bit of NSFW (just a teensy bit)

A/N: IM BACK GUYS and Im so sorry this took reaaal long, I had to make sure every detail was perfect. And it actually too reeeeal long to write, surprisingly. But at last, I have delivered! And so will Bucky soon if you continue to read on nyeheheheh ;))

I hope you guys like it!

MASTERLIST

Phase one >> Phase two

Y/N has just come home from a long and exhausting briefing, one that to her distaste fell on her birthday. After that alarming surprise mission that knocked all the energy out of the Avengers, Y/N was more than worried for her own state of wellbeing. So all the while she stood their explaining every detail of the mission to Fury, she was absent-mindedly thinking if the rest of the team was still up for a night out in a resto bar, laughing and celebrating the night away while trying to endure everyone else's corny half-drunk birthday messages.

It was a huge breath of air when Fury does the weirdest thing he’s ever done; hug her and wish her a happy birthday along with a short but well-meant ‘thank-you’ for her undying loyalty and service to SHIELD and the Avengers. With a short nod from his head he dismisses her, and she went bolting right out of the building, a bit ignorant of the passing greetings coming from her co-workers and friends, and hopped right in her car while mentally laying out the plan for tonight such as which resto bar would be nice enough, the budget Tony would be willing to allot, how much alcohol would Steve be willing to allow, and what to wear and all the basic fiddle-faddles of a night out.

Oddly, she found her train of thoughts faltering when she had imagined a certain someone's smile she'd want to see all night long. Maybe his piercing blue eyes crinkling with his heartfelt laughter and his warm aura that made her feel safe was on the list of things Y/N so desperately wanted to see to complete her birthday night out. Even if he just sat there quietly, not bothering to talk more than a few words with her other than ‘Happy Birthday’ or ‘You look nice tonight’, it’d be enough.

----

“Does he hate me or something?”

Clint makes one of the most shocked faces Y/N has ever seen her best friend make.

“Y/N” He quickly makes his way beside her, “You and I both know you’re way to kindhearted for anyone in the Avengers team to hate.”

“But…I have no idea why he won’t talk to me.” Clint noticed the way Y/N’s voice trails off into a whisper, as if he didn’t notice the fact that Y/N was completely interested in Bucky.

“And I have no idea why you won’t talk to him.”

Her eyes widened with realization when she looked at Clint’s knowing face. And she feared that beneath that look was a reason why the silent air between her and Bucky remained untouched throughout the months.

“It’s 2018, for God’s sake Y/N.” Despite the annoying chuckle from her close friend, she nods slowly, “It doesn’t matter who goes first. What matters is how long will you let the silence last. Don't complain about something you can fix yourself."

Y/N remained silent. And that’s when Clint knew she knew he was right.

“You think he’ll like me back?”

“Everyone does, and so does he. Just give it a go, maybe tomorrow’s you’re lucky day.”

----

Despite the image from the surface of Bucky Barnes as the soldier he is with his undeniably attractive frame, she wanted to see that man she fell in love with over the few words and interactions they’ve had for months.

She was clueless to whatever was the reason behind Bucky's shy nature. From all that action she sees of him on the field; strapping, ruthless and fierce with every move he makes, he just suddenly turns into a big ball of awkwardness around her. Y/N tried many times to figure out if it was her morning breath or something on her face that was bothering Bucky to not even have a normal conversation with her. To this, she just painful got accustomed to, thinking that in no ways would it ever change. Even during the past couple birthdays all he would do is mutter a greeting with a compressed smile she awkwardly reciprocates.

And it became a silent agreement all of a sudden. Nods, silent glances, very small talks that would last for only seconds even if she wanted it to last for hours. A 'safe' distance, as she put it, Y/N thought it was best that they kept it that way, because she was slowly giving into the thought that he just doesn't feel the same way and that's really just how the real world works.

So yes, it was pretty surprising that he was suddenly right there in the middle of the living room, just suddenly taking interest in actually looking back at her eyes.

"Hey Y/N." He spoke in a tone softer than from the raspier one she often hears.

"Uh...” She had no idea what to say so Y/N gives off an awkward wave of her hand, “…h-hey Bucky.”

“You’re here early?”

The words and the way he said it was different.

Too different that she tried gathering her thoughts to figure out if this was real, of just another one of her birthday fantasies. But when Bucky puts on that signature, million-dollar smile on his face, just once, and the entire view of his gorgeous, sculpted body pressing against the tight fabrics of his clothes began to seethe through Y/N sense of focus. The moment she felt the rising heat in her cheeks threatening to ruin her composure she clears her throat and tore her gaze from Bucky before her eyes began to travel down further.

“Uh yeah yeah I-uh…” The habit of denying the words Y/N was dying to say to him stuck to her like a leech, and she didn’t bother to take it off especially with him around looking like such a fucking god, “Fury gave me an ‘early dismissal’ as his birthday present to me.”

When Y/N’s eyes weren’t looking where he wanted them to be, Bucky was knocked ever so slightly out of focus out of a distant feeling of uncertainty of the plan working.

“You okay Y/N? Did whatever that incident I heard a while ago still bother you?”

At Bucky’s decision to stand up from where he was seated, Y/N found herself awkwardly shifting her stance while rubbing the back of her neck nervously. Because she still couldn’t imagine managing to stay alive under his towering stature dangerously close to her.

Shit Y/N stop it.

“No no it’s just that…” You’re too hot to look at damn it. “…FRIDAY was acting real weird with the keypad and everything and Tony-“

When Y/N too suddenly pauses, so did Bucky. Because it looked like she had realized something real big, and Bucky was mentally hoping that she had it all figured out. But it wasn’t the surprise she figured out, but a ticket out of this thickly awkward air between them, that could still eventually lead to the sabotage of the Avengers’ plan.

“TONY!” Bucky was startled at the way her body jolted and her finger pointed at him. “Yes, uh Tony! I-I need to look for Tony.”

“W-what?”

Safe distance. Safe distance, Y/N, she tells to herself like a mantra.

Y/N’s feet began to shift as she tried to figure out where to walk around and way way far from Bucky. But at every shift to her left or to her right Bucky quickly blocks her to it. She stops for a moment to make sure she wasn’t being fooled by her playful imagination. And she was certain with the way he had oddly locked his gaze into hers as if he was observing every movement she made. Again, odd. And extremely hot enough to form a lump in her throat she could not manage to swallow.

“Why?”

Bucky had stepped closer to his right to block Y/N off just a subtle bit so as not to give it all away.

“I-It’s my birthday and-“

Another step to her left, was mirrored suit by Bucky.

“H-Happy Birthday by the way.”

By then he was already a few inches away from her, and Y/N was too engrossed with trying to pry her way out of the sheer bashfulness she was feeling so near around Bucky. Despite the fact that he was still a bit rusty, Bucky had liked the way he was already making her feel; he could practically feel the radiating heat from her flushed cheeks without even nearing the touch of her skin. It was pretty much enough to give him the right leverage to do more than just distract Y/N.

“Thaaanks…” Her lips were barely carrying the smooth, nonchalant laughter she intended that it came out rather nervous and squeaky, and Bucky found it so amusing to hear, “…u-uh Buck…c-can you excuse me for a moment?”

“Why?”

Y/N got herself cornered looking back into those alluring eyes of his.

“W-well I uh-you see it’s like-yeah uhm…” Now Y/N was even confused herself if the system lock was malfunctioning, or every single part of her common sense, “…t-the party-n-no I mean tonight-I-I need to talk to-A-Avengerss….”

Bucky didn’t realize how adorable Y/N looked so flustered up like that. It sent his lips curling into a smile went he let his imagination dance around his head with the thought of having Y/N melt in his touch, and it led him everywhere he wanted his hands to be on hers, and it soon had him bursting with a newfound confidence to shake off every ounce of awkwardness left in his bones.

“They’re not here.” He takes a pretending look around, with a slow shrug of his shoulders, making sure that his eyes land back on hers, “It’s just you and me.”

Both her eyes and mouth widened when realizing that he was right. But it was worth one more push to pry him off of her.

“W-where did they go?” She tried to pull the conversation back to a casual one, but the way he just looked at her differently, she knew she was losing to whatever Bucky was playing on her.

“Off to buy you some presents.” Bucky grins, while leaning his arm beside the wall to rest his body just close enough to lock her in her place.

“W-why?”

Because it was a bit odd that all of them except Bucky would be running off to buy her presents. But the more she tried to wire her brain to fire back up her skills in exemplary focus, she just couldn’t with having Bucky Barnes too close for her to even function properly with standing up straight.

“Why not?” Now Y/N was beginning to feel her heart thump too loudly when he began to take closer steps towards her, that she panicked and automatically strode backwards and found herself not being able to take her gaze off of his trance, “Why wouldn’t they lavish the special birthday girl with gifts that she deserves?”

This man was acting suspiciously out of character around her. And Y/N tried to find every reason she could think of to answer why but how her brain was juggling two thoughts all at once was knocking out every ounce of her well-trained skill.

“Y-you?” She was almost too speechless, but Bucky had picked it up.

“I already have mine.”

At the last word that rolled off his lips she felt the cool surface of the wall suppress her from walking back any further, and to her fear, had her right where Bucky wanted her.

Bingo.

Bucky watched Y/N heave out a breath in surrender. There was nowhere else to go, and Bucky made sure that she had a good and close view of him when she slowly lifted her eyes to look back at him.

Heaven be damned at such a gorgeous view Y/N had of Bucky Barnes, the closest she has even gotten to in months. And she marveled at how better his entire frame looked so damn close. The way his ocean blue eyes traced down every part of her frame, strands of his hair delicately sweeping at the side of his flushed cheeks that couldn’t beat the shade his smirked lips were showered with. This time Y/N let her eyes feast on a view lower, but ever so slowly enough to take in his breathtaking, massive form. She felt her breath hitch at the sight of part of his bare chest peeking from the fitted shirt that was barely able to hold back the shape of every curves of his muscular torso, and she could barely keep her sudden crave at bay. In every single detail she had grown to love so damn much, Bucky had never made her feel so captivated without even saying anything.

Despite the blush in her cheeks creeping slowly everywhere on her face, Y/N was admittedly loving Bucky’s alluring display at a distance just in hand’s reach.

“You look beautiful, Y/N.” He was so close, she could feel his breathe tickling on her skin that began to heat in longing for his against it.

Even Bucky himself was so perplexed at how he underestimated the beauty of this gorgeous woman. How delicate her bashfulness made her look, how prettily she blushed like that. But one look at her skin that showed only a portion from her neck down, he bit his lip at the thought of having every inch of her all on him, and it could be in a matter of seconds if Y/N didn’t stop looking so fucking irresistible to his taste, so he bit his lip to try and keep his desire controlled.

Bucky felt a deep craving for her, something that he was trying so hard to avoid over the past few months he only had her at his sight. And to think, all it took was one small mishap of a scheduled package to have her right where he wanted her that he was longing for months. Thank you, T’Challa.

“Bucky…” She breathes out a whimper, dangerously aware of him closing in, but could do nothing but helplessly look at his nearing lips, “… Y-you’re acting so weird today…”

"Y-you.." Y/N couldn't find where to place her hands so it began having a mind of its own and just went pointing at every inch of Bucky, "..y-you're talking to me."

For a moment Bucky blinked, "Yeah uh…I am?"

"Right I just um.." Y/N could only squint to Bucky's eyes staring her down, so to be careful not to get lost in them. "…you-me…we never talk like this."

He lets a deep chuckle rumble from his chest, and Y/N swore it sounded more like a growl enough for her to automatically bite her lip in suspense. Bucky was aware of the surprising amount of confidence he had all of a sudden, and it was only because he knew the truth that still had Y/N denying it through her pursed lips.

“Well I…” There it was. It was about to happen. "It's your birthday, Y/N."

"Aand? W-What's the difference today from the others?"

Another grin emerges from the corners of his lips. He did find the newfound confidence in him to be completely out of the silent character he had Y/N be used to. Bucky was beginning to like this new attitude he realized only Y/N was able to bring out of him.

"Well, I uh…" His gaze simmers down to a softer tone, "…I found out something today…"

It took Y/N less than seconds to know what he meant. His oddly sexy demeanor today, right on her birthday, made sense of it all. But what had Y/N hold her breath was he found it out, and she knew he was a bit dense to figure it out himself. Someone told him. Another feeling she tried to keep controlled was the sudden urge to open her mouth at a probable suspect such as Clint.

"Mmm?" Y/N hummed, trying to look cool when her whole body was already heating up.

"A little bird told me something that you've been hiding from me all these months we never talked."

Right. Shit. Clint was soo getting a clean knock on his head later.

"H-hiding? Me?" She tried to look innocent, but had the rest of her words tumbling down, "N-nooo I- what would I hide from-"

"Try hiding all you want; bat those pretty lashes of yours, keep telling me lies,"

Bucky paused, and it was to find the right words to say to her. Because that moment was it, it was happening. The one thing he could only dream of but never get a chance to actually do. This was the chance.

“Your trick may be working on me, but I already know the truth.”

His body was practically magnetizing hers, and she was almost too close to giving in. The suspense was slowly driving Bucky mad, but he knew it was what had Y/N holding onto every quick breath she took.

"Y/N…" The way her name slips off his mouth sounded gentler this time, letting a few quiet seconds pass while slowly pulling her hips closer, and the soft gasp she exhales drove him wild.

"Bucky…" He took the first move to slowly close the inches of a gap between his lips and hers. "…I-I…am completely confused right now…"

"Don't worry, doll." The way Bucky purred had Y/N completely entranced, "I have the answer to your problem."

It's really happening. Y/N couldn't find the urge to retaliate anymore, because Bucky himself was pulling her closer. It was beginning to be clear that Clint was right all along. So Y/N slowly begins to lean in as well, giving into her fast beating heart that screamed and craved to having him pressed against her in what was just about to be in seconds apart. She closes her eyes ever so slowly, raising her chin against his hot, fanning breath tickling her aching lips.

Right, until..

CCLLLAAANNNGG

“FUCK!”

A loud noise, followed by a voice broke throughout the entire room, bouncing right off the walls and breaking in between the two's momentary trance. Y/N’s eyes shot right open at Bucky’s bewildered ones. It was until the few remaining echoes of whatever made the noise began to process in both their heads. Not a good thing, though, for Y/N to instantly recognize what, who, and where it came from.

“Was…” At first she was uncertain, but still asked him nonetheless, “…w-was that Sam?”

Sam? Even Bucky had the same look of confusion knocking every last bit of that distractingly attractive look on his face. Until Sam’s voice replayed in his memory, and all too quickly, came in remembering the string of thoughts of the surprise birthday party bursting in with the sense of panic surging through his body. He was trying his best not to show it through his eyes so he blinked rather a bit too fast to still make it obvious enough for someone with Y/N skills in deducting.

“U-uh…no?” And Bucky had made the mistake of asking rather than answering.

Something didn’t click in Y/N’s head. The bat of her lashes along with the nagging thought of not figuring out the hell of what happened began to loosen the grip Bucky had once had around her.

“No Buck, don’t play me for a fool.” She pauses, “I know how Sam shouts when he drops something.”

Now Y/N had Bucky into a muttering mess, as he struggled to find the words to try and say to cover up the obvious sabotage to the entire plan, and his own plan of finally being able to pursue Y/N. He didn’t even know how to stop Y/N’s head for trying to make sense of the oddly misplaced mishap of hearing something she wasn’t supposed to hear.

Empty. With the circular sound of a bowl, probably plastic from the emanating sound not likewise to the sound of glass. And a voice from a man which seems out of place for an empty room?

“A-and I know what he dropped, and where he is.” Bucky, for once, hated how smart Y/N was and for not listening to Thor enough to not underestimate this woman’s intelligence.

He also hated how Sam, though not surprisingly, has ruined practically everything.

“I better check that out.”

Bucky had not realized that Y/N already had slipped from under his arms and making her way slowly towards the hallway, but he instinctively glid in front of her, which took her aback.

“I-I don’t think you should.” Y/N at first could vaguely make out of his nervous grin

“Bucky…” She raised her brows questioningly, “…why are you blocking me?”

Fuck. Bucky knew that he was the one on the hot seat right at that moment. He could do nothing but shrug sheepishly, something that one doesn’t usually see out of a mysterious assassin like him.

“I-I uh it well…” He was beginning to feel sweaty when Y/N crossed her arms in suspicion, “…I-It could be an…intruder! Yeah uhm, an intruder that sounds like Sam!”

Now Bucky was beginning to sound so silly. This had Y/N remembering that one time he broke one of Tony’s extremely fragile coffee machines that was just freshly manufactured out of his own hands. She could see every lie grow sillier and sillier each time it passes through his quivering lips. The same manner she was seeing right in front of her.

It finally clicked in her head.

“Ohhhh…you’re not hiding something, are you?” A grin began creeping up her lips, “On my birthday?”

“Noooo…” Bucky’s voice trailed off into a whisper with a tilt of his head to the right. Lie.

“You are. I’m checking whatever you hid down there right now.”

The surprise was officially 90% ruined.

“Y/N-NO!”

By then Bucky’s adrenaline response dialed up to 11. As Y/N abruptly turned her body away from him, in a split second his metal arm jerked to grab Y/N by her wrist, earning a loud pained gasp from her, and the rest began to happen in a quick blur.

She wasn’t even able to let a curse slip through her lips when Bucky had tugged her arm towards him and had her body colliding on his and his lips landing right on hers. Y/N was extremely startled at what just happened, but when it began to sink into her that she was being kissed by Bucky Barnes, having to feel his lips that was surprisingly so soft and warm, she soon felt her tensed body instantly ease into his arms tracing its way to take all over her frame.

Bucky had made it sure to move his lips in a pace enough for her to slowly fall into a trance. He too, soon began to realize he was kissing Y/N. At first his movements were hastened, still wanting to make sure that she wasn’t too startled or uncomfortable. Until he felt her returning the kiss with a long moan vibrating against his lips, and Bucky loved it.

In moments, he soon had his arms wrapped tightly around her waist, feeling his cheeks flush at the feeling of her body pulled closer and moving against his. And the way she was responding with hitched breaths and moans drove him to deliver as much as he can to keep his growing crave for more of her intoxicating touch.

“Buck…” her shaky breath could barely mutter at the uncontrollable feeling of falling back into his lip-lock.

“Sshhh…” He whispered against her mouth, as his still ached for more to kiss her back again.

At each second that passed they both felt the immense heat rising between them and they could both hardly keep it at bay. Just as Y/N was about to push him over the edge and tackle him down, he clung onto her body and let the spur of the moment drive her back against the wall with a loud thud. He felt her shudder when he deepens the kiss while grazing his tongue on her lips, and had her chasing him back in a silent beg to never leave them. And damn how he tasted so good.

It wasn’t until he could sense her arms wrapping around his neck with a few grips of his locks here and there when he kissed her just right to make a deep growl of content rumble right through his chest and onto hers. He chuckles softly and responds with his hands gliding down to reach for her legs and had her lifted with ease, earning another low moan of his name at his has tracing every curve of her thigh. Bucky was practically melting into this tight embrace of deep endearment between them, and he wished Y/N was just as pleased as she should be on her special day.

This was different. Not because he completely forgot that this was all a distraction plan, but because by then he could only feel the pure, raw feeling both of them had for each other in this sweet chase of ecstasy between them that had his heart thumping fast against hers, and he could hear their heartbeats as one. It wasn’t a distraction plan, it was real.

Midway into the moment escalating, he felt his lungs gasp for air and only then was able to pry himself away from her, but just ever so slightly still near enough to see the way her flushed lips puffed from all that irresistible kissing.

“Y/N…” He wasn’t sure if what had him breathless was either the kiss or her lovely features glowing in a way he hasn’t seen before.

“Damn…” She whispered as she tried to catch her breath, looking at Bucky in that way that had his mouth tickling with a growing smile, “…you hid that from me all this time? Where was I a few months ago?”

“I-I thought you didn’t like me.” He grinned sheepishly having only that excuse to say.

A loud, almost too scandalized gasp escapes her agape mouth to which Bucky found too amusing to suppress his heartfelt laughter, “Not like you?! Especially now that I know you kiss like that? Lies!”

Bucky’s laughter, once it filled her ears sounding like sweet music, it had her contagiously doing the same. And man, could he listen to her delight all day. As the laughter died down, his eyes simmered back lovingly in a gaze that admired that smile of hers, and knowing it was because of him had the same smile that felt like warm sunshine on her.

“Oh Bucky…” She coos softly, cupping his cheeks in her hands while letting her thumbs softly brush against his skin, “…I…I do like you. Hell, I think I’m falling in love with you.”

Bucky let out a breathy gasp at feeling his heart dance around the words it wished to hear. “You do?”

“So much.” She whispers back with every word coated with endearment, “I had no idea you felt the same way. I was beginning to think you didn’t.”

“God I do love you.” His voice grows deeper in a way Y/N knew he meant what he said.

“I was just having a hard time to accept the fact that I was flustering head over heels for you. I just didn’t know what to say. I thought I wasn’t good enough for you. So I tried to keep my distance, and you just seemed to agree to it, so I went along with it. But fuck, you were just too beautiful with your pretty little eyes, your enchanting laughter, your bright smile, your gorgeous figure; I-I tried so many damn times to break the barrier, because I could barely stand the thought that you were slipping away from my hands. But this…”

He gently tucks away a strand of her hair behind her ear, to get a better view of those dazzling eyes that was the first thing that drew him to believe he had a crush on her, “…you. Right here in my arms. I wish I could’ve done something earlier to get this lovely view of you near me sooner. Seeing every single bit of who you are this close, it just, it takes my breath away.”

Y/N felt so touched with his genuine endearment, it had her barely struggling to find the words that could amount to his poetic lines.

“I still can’t believe that someone so amazing like you would love someone like me back.” Bucky shakes his head affectionately with a warm smile, but Y/N felt the trail of doubt leaving from his mouth.

“Do I have to kiss you again to convince you that I do?” She wiggled her brows at him suggestively, and he liked the way she did that.

“Oddly, I’m tempted doll.” Y/N giggles at the touch of his nose on hers.

She takes a moment to pause and just savor at that man’s gorgeous features. It was radiating with a calmer aura, something she found herself feeling at home at. And she grew fond of the way his smile was adoring her, getting one for the take and press a quick gentle kiss on to steal it from his. It was still her birthday anyway, might as well take more than just a taste.

“So all this.” She says as she pulls away, “All this was some sort of a distraction plan?”

There was actually no more point to argue for Bucky, since it wasn’t his fault she had it figured out. “Yeah yeah…I uh, actually didn’t expect it to work too well.”

“For a moment, you did get me with that hot bod of yours.” Y/N admitted with a playful bite of her lip. “And that was Sam I heard?”

“I think the entire team’s pissed off at him right now, let’s just leave him be.”

“So it was a surprise party!”

He blinked at her smart guess. “Y-Yeah, you got us.”

“And the entire team is in here!”

And oddly, he loved the way she was so proud and giddy of her achievement in finding out herself. Damn, a confident Y/N close to him was better than a bashful one from afar. “I didn’t know you were this enigmatic.”

“And I didn’t know you didn’t know that I knew and blah blah blah blah…” To this Bucky chuckled at. There were too many words apart from Y/N and Bucky’s lips that she decided to dismiss all the talk and press her lips once more onto his, missing the way it felt so good a while ago.

This one was a sweeter version of what they shared from before. It was a sort of deep acknowledgement between them, now that all confusion was gone and nothing but deep affection for each other was blossoming in their chest and through their lips. To which Y/N hummed in delight to, since she finally got that only present she’s been wanting all day long, that whatever party she or the team had planned wasn’t at the top of her priority list for the day.

Because all she had her head wrapped around was all on him. All on him.

“Oh wait, that reminds me.” A thought pops up in his head when she pulls away momentarily, “You should still go in that room and see what the team has prepared for you. Pretend to act surprised for Sam’s sake.”

“Awww do I have to?” She whines with a pout of her lips like a child would on her birthday, “Can’t that wait until later? It’s my birthday anyway and I get to choose what I want to doooo…”

“Why? Do you have something important to do?”

Y/N was amused at Bucky’s cluelessness to her small hints. She lets out a small giggle before biting her lip to give him a head start. “You, you silly idiot.”

“Ooohhh…”

The moment Bucky gets it he bites his lips playfully as well, scrunching his nose at Y/N’s smooth line. He was glad to grant the birthday girl’s wish at the sight of another door leading to a spare bedroom. And how he was turned on by the way Y/N looked right at him that sent his mind wandering to intimate thoughts shared with her body all over his. He couldn’t careless of the initial plan and had his impatience drove his arms to swiftly carry her towards the said room.

“Well then, wait until you unwrap my present to you.” He purrs against her ear, giving it a little nudge before pressing her back against the door. “Fuck, I love you Y/N.”

“I love you to Bucky…” Y/N felt a shiver run down her spine at the sound of his raspy voice, grinning to herself at the thought of such a surprising gift, “…Happy fucking birthday to me.”

And just like that, Bucky did not waste his time with her any longer and had his hand grasping for the doorknob as the other quickly pulls her in for a hungrier kiss she finds herself sinking back into. And they let themselves fall into each other’s embrace, their thoughts playing into reality with intimate touches at the close of the door.

--- BONUS: ---

“Took him damn long enough.” Sam chuckles at finding out that their friend finally made his move.

"If it wasn't for you fucking it all up with that popcorn bowl you ‘accidentally’ dropped." Tony rolls his eyes, something that Sam dismisses annoyingly at. “Wanda clearly warned you to duck.”

"What's the word on the lovebirds Wanda?" Clint leans in closer to Wanda, who had her thoughts linked to hear both Y/N's and Bucky's.

She only gasps with a cheeky grin on her face as a response. To this the whole team had known what was spiraling down from the sound of the door across theirs slamming shut.

"Lucky punk." Steve shakes his head, to which Bruce gives an acknowledging pat on his back with a chuckle.

"So much for the package." Tony sighs. "And the party."

"I taught him well." Natasha helped herself to a smug grin.

"Lady Y/L/N's fantasies finally came true." Thor wriggles his eyebrows in agreement to Natasha.

"Are we still pushing through with this party?" Wanda could barely suppress her amused giggles, shutting off her powers to give the two enraptured lovers their privacy. "They seem very engrossed in whatever they're doing."

"Welp, seems like this party's postponed." He knew that look on Wanda's face, Clint knew. "The distraction plan did work but their having a little party of their own now."

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Heeyyy guys!! So wow, this one had a whopping 5k+ words. It really took a long LONG process to finally have my head click with the right words and plot. But again, I’m so happy with the overwhelming response to the first part. THANK YOU as well for reading this imagine and for the support. Here’s to more imagines! <333

BUCKY BARNES DESERVES BETTER I AM NOT CEASING TO SCREAM THIS EVERYWHERE

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