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harrysfolklore · 2 years

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i love what you do with the babysitter series. i can’t wait to see more

ITS NANNY TIMEEEEEE !! i really really hope you like this part bc ooohhh lord what’s coming next. SEND ME FEEDBACK !!!

PREVIOUS PARTS

ask me anything | masterlist | likes and reblogs are appreciated ! | support me

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yourinstagram first day of the nyc residencies and i’m feeling icky :// and yes i’m aware that i’m in my underwear and no bra in this pic but i’ve been throwing up all morning so don’t give me shit for it

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yourbff oi, whatever you say, princess

↳ yourinstagram why are you talking so loudly

pillowpersonpp And yet you still look beautiful 💖

↳ yourinstagram i LOVE you

kidharpoon Are you hungover? Did you convince your old man to go out for drinks ?

↳ yourinstagram not hungover just with a stomach bug 🤧🤧

yrrahselyts Awee poor thing, let me cuddle you x

↳ yourinstagram please do🥺

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harryupdates Harry out in NYC today !

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harryfan1 BABYYY

harryfan2 he looks like a dilf

harryfan3 NEW PLEASING HOODIE ??? NEW COLLECTION??

harryfan4 husband material

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yrrahselyts A sick Nanny on film because she’s excited about her modeling debut. I love you @yourinstagram x

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jefezoff And you’re back to being a fan account

↳ yrrahselyts I’m an in love man and that makes you jealous

↳ jefezoff I’m literally married..

yourinstagram IM SO NERVOUS 😭😭😭😭

↳ pillowpersonpp Pleasing girl, you did amazing

↳ yourinstagram my biggest hyper 💖

↳ yrrahselyts Excuse me, I’m your biggest hyper, have you seen this account?

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pleasing Pleasing x Marco Ribeiro has arrived. Explore your creativity with our latest collection, where under Ribeiro’s lead, shades and tones take an expressive turn to act as a call to arms for creativity and experimentation.

YN, photographed by Anthony Pham, for Pleasing.

Find your Pleasing.

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harryfan1 OMFGGG

harryfan2 she’s absolutely stunning wow

harryfan3 she’s getting modeling gigs just because she’s dating harry? i smell a famewhore

↳ harryfan4 come on now, you can’t be calling her an attention seeker when she’s not even public on instagram and besides the leak their relationship has been so private

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harrystyles Pleasing x Marco Ribeiro. YN, 2022. Find your Pleasing.

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harryfan1 OH MY GOOOD

annetwist Gorgeous girl 🥰

↳ harryfan2 anne approves omfg

pillowpersonpp That’s my baby and I’m proud 💖

yourinstagram i love you 🥺

↳ harryfan2 sTOP

harryfan3 i still think she’s a famewhore 🤷‍♀️

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yourinstagram good luck to my lovie tonight, baby jonesland and i will be cheering from backstage 🥰

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jefezoff Firing Pham and hiring you

↳ yourinstagram babysitter, girlfriend and photographer?? i don’t know if i’ll manage

yrrahselyts I miss you already

yrrahselyts I love you

↳ yourinstagram get off your phone, you sap

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harrystyles Love On Tour. New York City VI. August, 2022

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harryfan1 BEST SHOW EVER

harryfan2 dilf energy

iheartradio THE VEST IS MY RELIGION 🫡

yourinstagram looking good

↳ harrystyles Thanks, mate x

↳ harryfan4 OMG THEY'RE INTERACTING

↳ harryfan3 attention seeker

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yrrahselyts Polaroids of the Pleasing girl x

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pillowpersonpp Gorgeous gorgeous girl 💖

jefezoff WHIPPED

yourbff Milf

yourinstagram i love my fan account <3

yourinstagram i love you

TEXTS BETWEEN SARAH AND YN

taglist: @cucciolafaerie @eleanordaisy @sunflowersndpeaches @golden-hoax @alienorknight @daydreamingofmatilda @sunflowervolume66 @vanteguccir r @ivyproblems @ayeshathestyles @stylesmygucci @gimsaysay @rosaliedepp @dontworrysunflower @milfrrynation @manifestrry @iceebabies @harrystylesrecs @pleasingrryyy @harianaswhore @leadmetogarden @abeanontoast @grapejuice-rry @vrittivsanghavi i @msolbesg @tati813 @sad1esgf @ivegotparticulartaste @wobblymug @eviesaurusrex @olivialovesh @itsgabbysblog @theekyliepage @gumballavocadoharry @watermelonsugacry @be-with-me-so-happily @a-strange-familiar @reveriehs @musicforcinemas @rafeyyyyy @tinydeskwriter @noooovaaaaa @tenaciousperfectionunknown @mxltifxnd0m @rach2602 @balletdancerry @b-reads-things

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diorzs · 2 years

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# KISS

pairing(s) — college!kusuo x gn!reader

genre(s) — fluff

cw. domestic fluff, soft saiki

masterlist. note : a small drabble, im currently in love w/ kusuo. also his powers don’t work on the reader in this !

small groans were heard from a particular pink-ette early in the morning. you were snuggled up on kusuo’s side, resting your head in the crook of his neck. your hands were wrapped tight around the psychic, trying to ensure the captivity of your personal heater. you looked up from ku’s neck, softly snickering when you saw him looking down at you.

“are you trying to kill me…?” he whispered, referring to the cage he had around his waist. you chuckled, and only responded by giving him a tight squeeze. he scoffed playfully at your ‘answer’, and turned away. “no…come back” you whined, and tried pulling him towards you, but to no avail. “fine.” you said dramatically, taking most of the blanket and turning your back to him.

he sighed, then you heard shuffling. “i love you.” he spoke, kissing your temple. you finally turned back to him, smiling fondly at the sight of him. his hair was messy, his glasses were off, and he was staring right back at you. but as you were admiring the psychic, he suddenly kissed you.

“ew kusuo! you haven’t brushed your teeth yet!” you exclaimed, turning away from him again. “you haven’t either, so i guess it cancels out, right?” he retorted back, before kissing you again. “either way it’s still gross!” you tried telling him, as he littered your face with kisses. “well then i guess i’m gross,” he chuckled, and as he said that, he noticed a faint blush arise on your cheeks.

“get away from me! i’m going to brush my teeth! and you should too!” you told him, running away into the master bedroom’s bathroom. “is that supposed to be an invitation?” he yelled, getting up from his bed and following you.

‘finally. i’ve convinced him to brush his teeth.’ you thought, looking at ku through the mirror where he was casually scrolling through his phone while simultaneously brushing his teeth. you stared at him for a little while longer, before spitting out the toothpaste, and cleaning your mouth. kusuo had stopped aswell, gargling mouthwash in his mouth before spitting it out. then he turned to you, smiling ever so slightly.

“can i get that kiss now?” he questioned you, cupping your cheeks while saying so. “maybe.” you whispered, before connecting your lips with his.

posted — 07 / 29 / 22

#{ 𖤐 } — works #the disastrous life of saiki k #tdlosk #tdlosk x reader #saiki k #saiki k x reader #saiki x reader

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satoruzlove · 1 year

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hello! i recently found your account and i love every bits of stories you write! can i request something like atsumu, sakusa, and suna having an underground garage with over 12 cars or more? and their s/o jokingly claims that they love them only because of their money and cars? lol idk, you can decide about the other details. i would just love to read something like this. i hope you understand my messy and clumsy imagination :' )

i hope you have a good day/night! merry christmas also! 🥰❤️‍🔥

-🫧

I LITERALLY SAW THIS AND DIIIIEEED ANON CUS I RLY LIKE THIS IDEA, and THANK U MWAAAH IM SO GLAD U LIKE MY WRITING <333 HUGS & SUGAR COOKIES 4 U. i’m sorry about how fawking late this is & i rly hope u do like this- it took me a whole while to rly grasp what i wanted to do with this glorious prompt, i wrote a lot these past few days BUT WHATEVER HERE U ARE MY WONDERFUL BUBBLE ANON ( cute af choice btw)

LET ME RIDE ?

[k. sakusa , r. suna , a. miya ]

- suggestive at some parts , boys with cars, praising and touchiness ( kiyoomi ) , alcohol and FLIRTINGGG ( atsumu’s ), friends to lovers & lots of tension ( rintarou ) , also kiyoomi is called a sugar daddyLMAO but he isn’t i swear -

KIYOOMI SAKUSA ::

your boyfriend is meticulous in every aspect of his life. his looks, his health, his belongings- everything. from the way he keeps his clothing folded to how he cares for his multiple expensive , beautiful race cars. as a pro athlete it’s expected of him to have such things , but you’d never expect to see how he handles them with such care - almost as if they were people. he gets them serviced and checked every other month, and polishes the luxurious leather of the seats frequently. when you two were dating, he often picked you up from work in different cars each time - claiming to want to make you look like you were some kind of vip. although, whenever you requested to drive one of them, he’d give you a look. it’s not that he didn’t trust you, he just knew that you couldn’t drive for shit and there’s no way he letting you do trial and error on his multi million dollar mobile.

that’s how you got here ; standing beside him as he folds away some of his summer clothes and practically begging him to let you drive one of his babies. “i’ll even let you tell me how to drive, kiyo, you can be my instructor,” you whine softly. he muttered a ‘nope’ popping the ‘p’ to emphasise his adamancy on the topic. you tugged his shirt sleeve, nearly forcing his dark eyes onto you- before he even knew it, he was convinced. the thick lashes surrounding the swimming, sparkly pool of your irises bored up at him only interrupted momentarily by you blinking.kiyoomi’s eyebrows crunched , mimicking the way his heart squeezed in his chest, despite knowing you just wanted to use his car. he let out a loud, dramatic sigh before running a hand over his face. “fine, you can use one. i will be there, i will tell you what to do and i definitely will stop you if you screw up,okay?” your boyfriend bossed. you smiled up at him, “nono! you can just teach me yourself, i’ll pretend i don’t even have my license,” and when you saw the bored look on his face you added to your statement,” to y’know, ease your mind.”

kiyoomi poked his cheek with his tongue , only to stop a smile from forming on his face. “go get dressed into like,” he paused for a second, his tone questioning when he continued, “..driving clothes..?” and you laughed at that. happily you got dressed and headed to the lowest level of your two story house- the underground.as the sleek metal doors opened, multiple shiny, elegant cars came into view but kiyoomi made a beeline for one in particular. she was black, a two seater that had neon green highlights on her gorgeous sides. “ porshe 2022 911 gt3,” he muttered, slender fingers lightly brushing over the glossy hood. you gawk for a second, “ i have no idea what that is, but holy shit,” you mutter. he huffs a laugh before unlocking the machine.

you hop into the drivers seat, and kiyoomi stares you down. you nearly choke under his gaze , “ don’t tell me you changed your mind,” you challenge him. he laughs- heartily almost- until a smirk overcomes his pretty face. “ you said i could teach you, didn’t you? get up. you’re gonna be on my lap.” his tone is smooth, weight panging in your tummy as you process what he said. your hands hesitantly slide off the steering wheel, allowing him to get in. he adjusts his weight with his hips, hands resting on his upper thighs until he pats them. “ come,” he says, “ sit , we don’t have all day.”

you oblige, your own thighs caged by his as his hands find home on yours. he’s guiding them to the wheel, you observe. “ i’ll worry about clutch, acceleration and breaks. you just steer and change gears for me , okay?” you notice his tone is soft, gentle because of how close he is to your ear. his breath hovers right over the shell of your ear. you nod, and he turns the key in the ignition. little lights and buttons exert an array of colour- almost tempting you to press them. he revs the engine - a low, prolonged echo ringing throughout the underground garage and vibrating your intertwined forms. you close your eyes and soon you come to understand just why your boyfriend loves his cars.

“you know,” you mutter, head dropping onto his shoulder, “‘might steal this thing and flee the fuckin’ country. it feels so-,”,” freeing, huh?” he practically steals the words from your mouth. you nod, smiling breathlessly, “ exactly,” before continuing ,” maybe you being away so much isn’t that bad , considering how my friends think you’re my sugar daddy,” and your boyfriend scoffs. a thick, black brow raised,” atsumu was right, you really do want me for my money.” kiyoomi chuckles, earning another giggle from you. dreamily , you sigh, “ absolutely, you’re my lovely little sugar daddy,” kiyoomi’s body shakes with laughter and his dimples cave in- you swear you get butterflies every time they do.the warm up light on the car goes off and from that point , the drive was smooth sailing.

you didn’t go far , seeing as your house was quite far from anything else , you had a lot of room. you drove mainly around your area. you two had come to a park, very secluded and probably privately owned, and you parallel parked. kiyoomi’s lowered his head , muttering a ,” you’re really good at this, dunno why i was so worried. even i struggle to parallel park sometimes,” he admits shyly. you smile, but you don’t miss the way he gazes at you as your eyes train on the park just outside the window. as soon as your head turns, you’re met with kiyoomi. his lips on yours. your lover’s hand is on the back of your head- guiding you like he was as you drove- and his latter hand on your waist. for a moment he broke away, nose smushing against yours. “did so good for me today,” he muttered against you. you had no time to reply or even be surprised at his remark, as he dove in for another kiss. this one was hungrier, more passionate and less shy than before. of course, you followed the pace happily.

his lips left yours with a deep exhale , “ move to the passenger seat,” he instructed, “‘ wanna get us home real fast, gonna continue this in a more comfortable setting, yeah?” and as you moved, tumbling over the gear stick and quickly plopping yourself onto said seat, “gonna take my time with you, yn.” you heard from kiyoomi as he revved the car once more. you were definitely in for a ride.

SUNA RINTAROU ::

suna rintarou is your best friend. you’ve known eachother since child hood and have gone through absolute hell together. puberty, your first crushes, the trauma’s of young adulthood, dealing with the miya twins. you started liking him in middle school, only ever telling aran about it and swearing him to secrecy. you couldn’t tell if suna liked you, you knew that if he did feel the same he’d never tell you, because that’s how he was. any person he’s ever entertained had the same complaint , that he didn’t know how to express his feelings properly and they couldn’t take how badly he blows at communicating.

you don’t understand, and you could never ; because he knows how to communicate with you. you two have an inexplainable bond- and he doesn’t feel the suffocating, degrading feeling in his chest when he talks to you about how he feels. he trusts you with everything. he always has, he has no trouble telling you.

he trusts you with everything, except his cars. all 11 of them.

which is why you slapped his arm when he showed you his underground garage , claiming to ‘ wanna show you something really, really cool ’ he wasn’t lying. his black t shirt seemed to look godly under the stage lights of his garage, as he strolled next to you- taking in his collection and carefully watching your pupils blow in awe. “ you’re such a dick, rin,” you laugh, “ i can’t believe you kept this from me, knowing damn well i’d give my left tit to drive one of these” he snorts, head throwing back and eyes scrunching at your choice of words. he comes to a halt infront of a shimmery, matt- finished car. you eyes drag over the hood, the cat- like head lights and your eyes scrunch up in delight at the ‘ mommy’s boy’ sticker barely in sight. “ it’s a-“,” mclaren, 765lt right ?”

his moss green eyes betray the stoic look on his face. they widen, sparkling in amusement. “ i always forget that you have no friends and read all day,” he feigns a sugary sweet tone. you shove him by the hip, toddling over to the passenger seat. “stop being an ass and take me for a drive.” you sigh. rin tries to ignore how right it feels to have you in his passenger seat , the way his mind quickly flicks images of you two going out at odd hours for icecream, his hand in a wedding ring- your wedding ring- on the gear stick. “ rintarou, come back to earth!” you bark laughter, now infront of him. his eyes screw shut and widen, he hadn’t even realised that he zoned out. he’s looking down at you, eyebrows raised as he attempts to ease out of his daze.

“stop being so bossy, you little tree stump,” he mumbles, making his way to the driver’s side door. it slides open smoothly, and he practically jumps inside. as you do the same, a smell- his smell- envelopes you. old spice and a tinge of something sweet. you both reach for the radio at the same time, and as his hand makes contact with yours he nearly jumps away as if your hands were a burning hot coal. he clears his throat, starting the car and ignoring the furious flutter i the pit of his stomach. you connect your phone, skipping through your playlist. you finally choose a song, and rintarou swears he could fall over and giggle like a little girl at your choice.

“love you like a brother, treat you like a friend,

respect you like a lover, oh,oh,oh”

your best friend’s eyes flit over to yours, only for him to spot you lip syncing the words of the song. as he pulls out the drive way he imagines you- calling him your lover, holding him, kissing him, being his. he smiles softly when you turn to him, lip syncing the words with conviction. “ if you be the cash, i’ll be the rubber band,” you mumble along with the song, hands coming out to poke him to punctuate your words. he mirrors you, eyebrows lifting as he sings.”painter baby you could be the muse, im the reporter baby-,” you two look at eachother in unison, your hands finding his cheeks,” you could be the news,” and for a moment, he doesn’t realise that you’re holding him so sweetly.

when the chorus comes, you two sit in silence as he pulls over to a mcdonald’s drive through. it’s quiet,lights of the glowing sign washing you with hues of colour and making you look of another world. you turn to him, boredly saying, “ you’re not so bad if we get to do this ,” and he rolls his eyes. he clicks his tongue , “ you’re literally like inlove with me, shut up,” he jests. your eyes don’t move for a moment, neither does your body, until you mutter a ‘true’ and turn away like it’s nothing.

rintarou waits for you to make a joke- but you don’t.

his face is pink, your tone was so genuinely that he could believe what you said. that he could think you’re being serious. he sips his sprite, “ good.” he replies to you. whether you were kidding or not, it’s a safe response. you sit there in silence for hours, and for once, rintarou isn’t properly communicating with you ; because he values you too much. too much to lose you, too much to love you, because he doesn’t know how. he’ll take you for drives as much as you want- forever even- if it means he gets to keep you.

ATSUMU MIYA ::

you and your lover stumbled into his mansion, a heap of giggles and whiskey flavoured kisses. atsumu’s grip on your hips is hard, loving , equal parts stable as he ushers you down to his garage. the blond smiles at you, lovesick, “thank you for coming back with me, sweet cheeks,” he mumbles. you giggle, eyes shiny and doe like- not a single thought behind them- “ thank you for inviting me, tsumu,” you mewl in response. he grows tired of stumbling and picks you up, earning a girly giggle, and practically running down the stairs with you. “ tsumu!” you laugh heartily, tears in your eyes as he nearly falls but somehow manages to keep you off the ground. he gets up sloppily, converse squeaking against marble floors right before he enters the garage. the man puts you down, planting a disgustingly wet kiss on your cheek and rubbing it with his large, calloused thumb.

he spreads his beefy arms, “ welcome to my pride and joy,” he stumbles a bit, “ apart from you, and my dog, my babies of course” he smiles. your lips part in awe looking at them all, and he smirks with pride. you feel playful - “ glad i gave you a chance, babes, this is really impressive. might just marry you for all this,” you say. he raises his eyebrows, a smile on his face and the apples of his cheeks rising, closing the gap between you he gets so close that you smell your favorite champaigne on his breath. “well baby, if it’s the money you want i’ll give it you. cant say ‘no’ to the prettiest baby in the world, can i?” his eyes are glazed under the influence, but his tone sounds so kind. so tender with you. you knew that atsumu would put the ocean in the sky for you, but something about him saying made you fall for him again. your blond lover melts at the blush on your cheeks, and backs away again.

when he drags you to a car you pull him to a halt. “ tsum,” you say, “ we can’t drive- we had alcohol,” you say. atsumu laughs , grabbing your neck gently and placing yet another sloppy kiss on your cheek, “ i wanna make out with you in my car, honeybunch, not drive,” he slurs. he gets in the back seat,hauling you onto his thick thighs and kneading at your hips. “ so gorgeous, so handsome , so perfect for me,” he says in-between kisses placed lovingly on your puffy lips. “ my good baby, my baby.” he’s babbling, mindlessly saying whatever his heart desires, “ mine, mine, mine,” he continues, like a mantra , sacred and ancient- like the only thing that he knows.

he kisses your lips hungrily and squeezes your sides, as if to keep you and this moment in his grasp forever. the leather under you is hot with passion and affection, the most innocent lust he’s ever felt because you are worth everything. whether it’s all his money or his entire soul- he’d give it all to you.

brain went wOmp for sakusa’ s i’m not sureeee how i feel. also not proofread cus my phone is dying but i rly rly like atsumu’s like woah. tbh i’m JUST NOT SURE ABOJT KIYOOOOOOMIS AAAAAAA but this was fun af !!! kiss kiss fall inlove

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daffodilsonaprettystring · 10 months

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Ok so my sister helped me come to a major realization just now and I’m gonna rant so bear with me here—

the ONLY reason I read Red White and Royal blue back in 2022 after months of hearing about it on TikTok and going “Ehhh I’ll get to that later” is because Heartstopper season 1 dropped and I watched it all in one night because NICK NELSON. THE BISEXUAL AWAKENING. THE PANIC REALIZING oh Shit well that’s not a Straight thing to do AND THEN REALIZING oh Shit well I guess that means IM not straight and having to rethink your whole existence because god if you didn’t notice this about yourself what else haven’t you noticed?? And the like thought process you go through learning to accept that part of yourself because ultimately it’s always been there and why should it be any different now just because of who you love and all of that (And of course the absolutely heart-exploding wonderfullness that is Nick and Charlie❤️❤️❤️)—

I needed more of all of that, because it felt so much like what I went thru realizing I was bi and god it felt like a miracle to see it represented so well?? On screen and in the comic. So yeah I finally turned to this other book I’d been hearing about for AGES because I was told Alex was also bi and had a bi awakening and that Henry and Alex’s love story was to DIE FOR And like… GOOD GOD. PEOPLE WERE RIGHT.

“Straight people probably don’t spend this much time convincing themselves they’re straight” “See this means I can’t possibly be into guys” “in an instant of sudden vivid clarity, he can’t beleive he ever thought he was straight”

Excuse me Casey McQuiston who gave you permission to invade my brain like wtf like you really just took my entire thought process and just splatted it into Alex’s brain like that wasn’t gonna kick me in the chest??

Anyway all this to say— holy SHIT. it’s come full circle for me all over again this year. Heartstopper season two comes out in like less than 48 hours, and I’m going to fall in love with it all over again. And then a little over a week later, the RWRB movie will drop and I’ll fall in love with THAT all over again!!

I’m feeling very emotional and sentimental about all my favorite characters being brought to life either again or for the first time and god these adaptations mean so much to me I can’t wait to absorb them into my fucking soul😭😭😭😭 THIS is why we need things like these THIS is why we need joyful stories that we can see ourselves in

I’ll stop being sappy now but good GOD I love August this year

#firstprince #nick and charlie #heartstopper #red white and royal blue movie #red white and royal blue #rwrb #henry fox mountchristen windsor #alex claremont diaz #nick nelson #charlie spring #alice oseman #casey mcquiston #heartstopper season 2

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shiftingtomydrs · 19 days

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OMG OMG OMG YOU HAVE A FS DR??? I SAW I COULD ASK U SOME QUESTIONS SO I RAN TO YOUR INBOX

who are you?? when is it??? any particular competition it is based on (I often see people do it with 22 beijing)?? what jumps do you have??? any ultra c elements (3A, quads)??? if you have one, who's your s/o??? what why who where when aaaa another fs shifter!!

xx kat (@xelsmultiverse)

hiii omg thanks so much for asking this <3

okk so just quick disclaimer beforehand, i dont know shit about figure skating except the very very basics (like what type of jumps and stuff) so if smth is incorrect or doesnt make sense its bcs of that haha also as always im hopelessly overpowered :D

In my dr im a figure skater from Germany, i was born in early 2007 and did ballet from when i was like 3 (thats canon btw i did that in my cr too haha) but then quickly got impatient and kinda bored with it (also canon, i regret stopping tho) and my parents put me into figure skating and gymnastics instead. since in my hometown there isnt really a big figure skating team (there is one but its not good ngl) i scripted that my now coach saw me by coincidence and decided i had talent and she wanted to coach me. I can do more on my coach if you guys want to btw its kinda a whole (unfinished) story (shes an oc).

So then she started coaching me in 2014, after a lot of convincing from me towards my parents cos they didnt actually want me to become a professional skater cos its obviously not the healthiest thing to do but after I saw Yulia at the 2014 Olympics I begged my parents to let me get private lessons until they gave in (yulia is kinda my role model and i wanna be like her)

I have an unfinished list of my senior competitions here (for the sake of plot i kinda made it so the covid restrictions on the 2020/21 season didnt happen for the junior competitions, only seniors, also kamila and i dont compete together before the olympic season) and yes ofc i win everything bcs as i said op af (also i know some of the competitions overlap so idk how im gonna do that yet, if anyone has an idea pls feel free to tell me haha)

for jumps i have all quads (yes including 4A cos im just that good lmao) and im playing with the idea (actually i put it already but its prolly impossible so im unsure if i should put it) of scripting i have a quintuple jump as well at some point.

Im really not knowledgeable on different spins i just scripted theyre centered and i dont have a lot of movement on the ice during them idk if thats how you say it but like i spin in one place and dont move to the left or right a ton

Then like some stuff that goes without saying, i have good technique, i dont get hurt badly, i dont have any long term problems from professional skating, stuff like that

My s/o is ilia malinin but since hes born in 2004 we dont get together for a while. We meet either at a competition or during my exchange year in the us in 2024 (my host family lives in the same state he does and we train at the same rink while im there) and then like slowburn friends to lovers pining everyone-knows-except-them kinda stuff (i really do love torturing myself in that aspect apparently)

Some other stuff i can think of rn is that my nickname is 'golden girl' or 'germanys golden girl' idk just smth i came up with (if you have any other ideas pls tell me haha unfortunately im uncreative af when it comes to stuff like that)

also you mightve noticed im technically too young to do senior competitions in time for beijing but i just decided to script that they make an exception for me for some reason haha

I can speak 4 languages, German, English, Russian (bcs of my coach) and Spanish

I get along kinda good (as well as you can as competitiors) with the Eteri Girls bcs we're similar age and my coach gets on kinda well with Eteri (they used to compete together except my coach is actually nice) and also i yk speak russian

oh also when i first get there its january 2022 so right before the olympics cos i wanna experience that not just in memory

soo yeah thats all i can think of for now again sorry for any inaccuracies or anything (wont apologize for op-ing myself cos thats what shifting is for after all ;) )

#shifting #desired reality #reality shifting #shifting realities #shifter #reality shift #shiftblr #shifting diary #shift #shifters #figure skating dr

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londonrih · 1 year

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@ellickalways hope ya like it!

“I just found a body…It’s Sergeant Tim Bradford.”

For the longest, Aaron’s words had just been replaying in my head…over and over again. I couldn’t stop it, as hard as I tried to block it out—as hard as I tried to convince myself that he wasn’t talking about Tim, he couldn’t be. Deep down in my heart, I knew he was, but…I didn’t want to believe it.

I heavily sighed as I sat down in the seat. I watched the production team finish setting up. Haven’t seen this camera setup in a while, usually, I love doing this type of thing—doing a ‘True Crime’ documentary. But this…it felt different. I felt empty inside. I stared deep into the camera lens, and that’s when everything started to come back to me.

Lucy Chen

Lucy’s Apartment // Los Angeles, CA// Tuesday // 03.21.23 // 09:37 A.M

“So, tell me what happened the morning of May 15th, 2022,” the interviewer spoke.

I sighed shakily as I looked up at the ceiling, “Well, it started out as any other day. Tim and I were outside the precinct. We were waiting for my roommate to arrive. She said that she had this surprise that she wanted to show us both—it was a car. She was over the moon about it, too. And I don’t blame her. However, being the cops that we are, Tim and I inspected the car.”

“Judging by your reaction you found something?”

“Yeah, it was…a couple of bricks of cocaine—stashed in the trunk. So of course, we had to take it in. We needed to run the name of the original buyer, and Y’know who owned the car first. So, after running the plate numbers into the system, we got a name. Jake Butler. Who ironically, looks exactly like Tim.”

I looked over at Tim, who had been sitting right next to me. He glanced at me briefly before we looked back at the interviewer.

“Lucy and I had called Jake, and brought him in for questioning,” Tim took over, “And of course, at first he made the looking-alike debacle an entire thing for a couple of minutes. But eventually, we sat him down and made him listen. In the end, he told us about this guy that he’d been working for, Roy Hajek. So, in order to get to the bottom of this, I went undercover as Jake, to keep him safe, and put into police custody.”

I looked down at the floor, as my leg began to shake. In all honesty, I wanted to put this entire case behind me. One person died, and for a second—I ended up thinking that it was my own boyfriend.

“There something you’d like to add, Officer Chen?” The interviewer asked.

I jerked my head up when he said my name. I answered as I shook my head, “No…Im good.”

Was it weird…that I couldn’t even look at Tim? It’s not like I was mad at him or anything. It’s just—I couldn’t come to terms with what happened. So many things were happening at once…

From Tim disappearing “Tim just disappeared.”

To see the video of Tim who was dressed exactly like Jake getting stabbed in an alleyway. That was all the information that I had. No one would tell me anything. All I knew is that…Tim went missing, and then he ended up getting stabbed in an alleyway. I went into complete shock. I don’t think I could ever get that moment out of my head.

“We have footage of Tim, just hours after his disappearance. I’m sure that you haven’t gotten anything about him, so—we thought that it’d be best to show you.”

I focused my eyes on the screen that was sitting next to the interviewer. One minute Tim and…some random guy was arguing, the next he’s pushing him up against the wall, and he pulls a knife on him. I’ve known Tim for a while, and when he gets himself into a predicament like this, he always finds a way to pull himself out, that’s just the nature of who Tim is. But something was off, I could feel it.

The guy pushed him to the ground. He didn’t want to waste another second, I could tell he didn’t. And that’s when he did it…He stabbed Tim, numerous times, in various different areas. Even without the audio, I just knew…that he was in pain. All I wanted to do was just kick myself because I wasn’t there to save him.

I gulped as I looked down at the floor, “That’s enough,” I muttered. But he continued to play the video, I looked up into his eyes, trying my hardest to keep myself together, even if my bottom lip was quivering, “That’s enough!” I raised my voice, and it slightly cracked. I removed the tiny microphone that was planted on my shirt. I rose from the seat and began to walk off.

“Officer Chen…” the interviewer said my name. I completely ignored him. I didn’t want to be in that bullpen for another second. I wanted to be alone, that’s it.

When I rushed down the hallway to the storage room, I kept my head down, as tears began to run down my face. I couldn’t hold it in for much longer. I was just with him…and now he’s gone—just like that.

I opened the door to the storage room, I closed the door shut behind my back once I entered the dark room. My hands covered my mouth as I slid down the wall until I hit the floor. This couldn’t be real…I mean really. Just a couple of weeks ago, Tim and I were chasing a twelve-year-old boy around the precinct, and talking about our future, and our kids and how they’d be…now here I am. Sitting on the floor of a dark storage closet. And having to accept the fact that I’ll never see Tim again. How am I supposed to move on from that? The man that I love is—

“Seven-Lincoln-Seven, I just found a body—it’s Sergeant Tim Bradford,” Aaron announced over the radio.

This had to be some dream, right? Some awful nightmare that I can’t wake up from. I wanted to scream, punch a wall, track down the guy who did this to Tim, and make sure that every second of his life feels like absolute hell. Because that’s what it feels like for me right now. Hell. And complete emptiness.

My heart started to beat rapidly, as my fists began to bottle up on the cold marble floors. I felt like the room began to spin, and I felt like my heart had suddenly dropped My eyes slowly fell onto the gun that was secured in the holster. Oh, how easy it would be…to find that guy, and pull the trigger on him without even thinking twice about it.

But I knew that’s not what Tim would want. I had to keep all of my bottled-up anger to myself. And scream from within. But what good was that gonna do me?

When I snapped back into reality, I cleared my throat as I fixed my posture in my seat. Tim leaned against my chair, and whispered into my ear, “You okay?”

I was still stunned by the events that had occurred in only the span of what? Seventy-two hours? Could’ve been more, at this point, I have no clue. “Mhm, I’m okay.”

“So, Officer Chen—we do have your reaction to all the news regarding Tim, from his ominous disappearance to the stabbing, but we never got your take on the death notification. And what’s your initial reaction to Tim being fine? Do you have anything that you’d like to say to him?”

“Well, after walking out after showing me the video, I was clearly already a wreck. And then that’s when I heard the call come in…and Aaron said that he—he’s found Tim’s body. I’d shut down completely. There were so many emotions traveling through my mind to the point that I had completely forgotten where I even was. I felt so…empty, Y’know? I mean, I watched s video of who I thought was the love of my life get stabbed in an alleyway, and then I hear over the radio that his body’s been found, and discarded?” I could feel the tears form in my eyes, as I continued, “…I was—I was just hoping that all of this would be some sort of nightmare. ‘Cause, it definitely was. I thought I was never gonna see Tim ever again. Never hear his voice again. Never have s future with him, I couldn’t imagine that. I didn’t want to either.”

I began to sniffle, as tears started to roll down my cheek, “I’m sorry,” I whispered, I used my hand to wipe away my tears, “…This case has been a lot, for both of us. A lot of confusion, definitely. Heartbreak. Fear. And I mean, sure we’ve all experienced that type of pain before…But not like this. I highly doubt that there’s a single individual—except for one person— out there who can relate to me, and what I’ve gone through, what Tim’s gone through—our entire team. It’s been brutal for us all. I thought my boyfriend was dead!” I yelled, as more tears began to fall, I kept wiping them away but, it was doing very little power, “I thought my boyfriend was dead, and you’d think the same if no one was telling you anything, they just kept looking at you, and dismissing you. And then boom—he just showed up here, perfectly fine, alive. Not a single scratch in sight, well, not on his face. This entire time, I’ve been thinking that my life would never be the same…but that wasn’t true at all. Now, there’s a camera being shoved in my face, and I’m being asked all these damn questions, but…not a single time have you—interviewer, have you asked me if ‘I’m okay.’”

“Well…are you—”

“—I’m hanging on by a loose thread. It’s definitely gonna take some time for me to…heal. But I’m getting there. In the meantime,” I said as I grabbed the cords, “You can continue with this interview without me… ‘cause I’m done.”

I threw the wire, and the microphone onto the floor, and I walked away from the setup with my head down. Still trying to wipe the tears off my face. I entered my bedroom leaving Tim and the interviewer alone.

The man spoke again, “So, should we continue—”

“—No,” Tim said flatly. He removed the microphone from his jacket and rose from the seat. He left the man in the living room as he entered my bedroom.

#chenford #chenford drabbles

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platypusplayhere · 1 year

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Thank you @dangerliesbeforeyou for tagging me, im mentioning all kinds of media bc I love to rant, I have a lot of love in my heart and I have trouble choosing just 8: (im making this on mobile hope it's readable).

Howl's moving castle (2004)

My first experience of gender envy, gender fascination, gender emulation for Howl, at a time I didn't even know that gender was a thing because I was like idek 7 years old.

Kiss of the rabbit god (2019)

A short movie, stumbled onto it bc of Tumblr. You honour, I simply love it.

Shrek (2001)

I'm not being ironic I'm very serious about this one. My mom used to braid my hair weekly when I was little and I constantly played this one, I know it by heart and I'm not joking. I freaking love this movie. Same goes for Mulan, Beauty and the beast, Charlie and the chocolate factory, and the whole Shrek franchise up to the 3rd one. (Gotta watch Puss in boots 1 and 2 tho.)

V for vendetta (2005)

This is a shout-out to 14 years old me who might have at some point based their personality around this movie or maybe they didn't, who's to say. I'm not sorry. Kinda still like it tho.

Corpse bride (2005)

There is an independent cinema in my hometown and they did run it often over the years. Bestie I don't know how many times I went to see this movie with my mother as a child. Recently learned about the Jewish origins of this myth and im a lil upset about the stolen storyline without the context. But some will say it's a Burton movie and they're right.

Valentine's day (2011)

First movie I went to see alone with my friends, I was like 12yo. Rewatched it again like 2 years ago, yeah it ain't that great but it's the memories right.

Father and soldiers (2022)

The last movie that made me cry. I hate war movies but my friends convinced me to go because it was less than 2 hours and I've been mad at movies being more than two and a half hours lately (looking at u House of Gucci, Doctor Strange 2) yeah, I cried my eyes out. It's not a perfect movie but the message is great and very moving. I don't like the English title because the original/French title directly refers the name of a group of African soldier recruited by France in its colonies during WWI -> "Les Tirailleurs" (if I remember well, the soldiers were recruited in every colonies but they left Africa from the Senegal and so all these soldiers are referred as Senegalese regardless of their actual origins). The English title is more fitting thematically wise I'll give you that.

Fulmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood (2009)

Knew about it, was recommended by a dear mutual of mine on this very hellsite and yeah, ppl keep saying it's good because it just is.

I told sunset about you/ I promised you the moon (2020-2021)

If you read my tags u know how I rant about this show often. Watched it 2 years ago thanks to someone i follow on Tumblr (but im not really sure who it was anyway if you're a mutual thank you sm). My first foray into BL (back when I didn't even know what it was) and I couldn't be happier that I started with this. I don't have enough words to praise it. (currently writing a post about it tho, stay tuned for whenever I get around to finish it (tell me if u wanna know when it's up), big up to Bad Buddy and To My Star too)

Honoured mentions bc I started making a list and had more than 8 and couldn't not mention them:

Other movies: O'brother, Love and Leashes, God's own country, Jackie Brown, The big lebowsky (idek if I like this movie but I needed something to base my personality around when I was 15yo)

The book The Hunchback of Notre-Dame by Victor Hugo, I'm gonna keep my rant about how the English title is a misunderstanding of the book locked and not even start it.

Alice isn't dead and The Magnus archives (although they're podcasts and I haven't quite finished them, the first seasons are exquisite)

Welcome to Night Vale, I have a lot of episodes to catch up on (currently working on that) started listening like in 2016 then stopped around idek 2 years ago. Some of these episodes are masterpieces ( some I know by heart: Guidelines for disposal, Love is a shambling thing, What happened at the Smithwick House, If he had lived, and The Pilot ofc)

the ballet Swan Lake (1995, 2012) by Matthew Bourne. I don't have enough words. I'll just say it's on youtube.

.....and many more im not think abt rn

*acts surprised* this became a real long post, real quick

(That's why I take a lot of time to answer those lmao, shout out and thank you to the ppl who tag me in these and then I take a lot of time to answer)

Tagging these people and anyone who wants to do it can mention me: @sherlockig @dontbesoevil @lordmeowdemort @namelessbeing @hairbackc0llarup @comrademichael @johnlockdynamic @lovelywickedsoul @frenchsiren

#tagged #ask game #yeah this could have gone on for a lil while #i have some ive yet to answer but its coming #i have many rants locked if u wanna know about them just ask #thanks for tagging me #platypustalks

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armandjolras · 1 month

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This will be rambly and overly personal, but ive been wanting to talk about Fosca as chronic illness representation, and why the musical version of her is especially relatable in this sense.

(I also haven’t read the book, so maybe some changes im attributing to the musical are from the book)

In the movie, Fosca’s illness almost seems an extension of her ugliness, meant to horrify the viewer. Ugliness takes focus as her main burden; we’re told that she was shunned for her looks as a child and are shown many jumpscare shots of her face. Sickness is merely a consequence of ugliness. When not acutely ill, she seems quite healthy, even energetic. (Obviously having seizures is a very serious illness in real life, i just mean the way it’s presented in the movie).

Most interesting to me, she doesn’t seem depressed at all; she’s quite upbeat and witty. Her manipulative toxicity in the movie doesn’t come from depression, but rather because she’s never been treated as a woman due to being an outcast, so she doesn’t feel she has to adhere to the decorum of one.

In the musical, I see Fosca’s illness as being much more than just an extension of being ugly. It appears to affect her continuously between acute episodes, and she moves wearily as if fighting pain and discomfort at every moment. While suffering over ugliness still caused her illness in this version, that ugliness is not as emphasised. We’re told that her parents loved her rather than shunning her, so she wasn’t an outcast, and she’s depicted as more pathetic spinster than scary Nosferatu.

She is also clearly depressed. In my opinion, her toxic behaviour comes not from flouting social norms, but from the desperation of depression. Maybe others also relate to being depressed and behaving badly as a cry for help, unable to stop despite knowing you’re being toxic, because you need acknowledgment from people. I see Fosca’s behaviour this way. Georgio is the first person who is nice to her, so she physically can’t stop trying to extract love from him by any means, even when she admits she’s in the wrong.

I relate to Fosca strongly in this. Since 2020 I’ve struggled with multiple chronic illnesses which have limited my physical abilities; today I cant even sit upright for more than 15 minutes, some days less. Since I dont have any family or friends in the country where I’m living, and went through diagnosis and surgery alone mid Covid, at times I’ve felt very isolated. In 2022 i could tell I was behaving a lot like Fosca — I didnt do anything super toxic, but I was putting too much emotional burden on my long-distance parents even as I knew I was stressing them out and upsetting them. It felt like such a compulsion, because I was scared and isolated and wanted someone else to know how much I was suffering so I wouldn’t be alone it it. I’m much healthier mentally now, but that took therapy and medication which Fosca doesn’t have. Its a terrible feeling to see your world getting smaller and your dreams becoming less possible, and going through that alone.

I’ve had a lot of frustration towards how my illnesses have limited what I can do, and i have to make an effort not to be resentful towards healthier people. The line “I read about the joys the world / Dispenses to the fortunate / And listen for the echoes” really captures this. “I know how soon a dream becomes an expectation / How can I have expectations?” When your world gets smaller, you have to give up your hopes bit by bit so you dont get hurt. “Look at me / No, captain, look at me / Look at me!” In her desperation she demands his attention, even when she knows she’s being rude and repelling him, she just feels compelled to connect with someone.

I know “I Read” can be interpreted as being about her ugliness rather than of physical illness, and maybe that actually is the correct interpretation. But I’m very convinced that musical Fosca is depressed in a way that movie Fosca is not, and most of her words and actions stem from that. I also believe that by placing less emphasis on her shocking ugliness, it only makes since that a lot of her suffering is due to her physical illness.

(And I also relate to Fosca’s final letter, where she says that appreciating the beauty in the world around you makes you want to go on living. Being ill has taught me to be much more grateful for small things in life.)

Other disclaimers: I dont mean Fosca’s suffering in the movie is NOT about her illness, in both versions its a combo of ugliness + illness. I just think they’re in different ratios. Also im not trying to be a Fosca apologist, I know shes super toxic and a stalker and essentially an incel, and also super annoying, I just understand her perspective. And finally I do like movie Fosca! Shes iconic I just relate to musical Fosca more.

#passion musical #sorry this is so personal and tmi I just wanted to share!#Interested whether others feel the same about movie vs musical fosca #its ok to interact with/reblog/etc this post btw

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ilov3men · 6 months

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This is an enhypen fanfic I randomly started writing one night. If you like this pls tell me so I can write more. <333

Auhors note/a little back story: English isn't my first language, so pls just correct me if i make a grammar mistake. This probably won't have smut because I just don't think I'm comfortable writing that kind of stuff yet. The mc is a girl from Australia. She moved to LA to train for the olympics, which she won gold in in 2022 Beijing. She became friends with the Enhypen members in their debut because of her best friend Kimmi being a trainee under Hybe. She is in a group called val<3ntine (fanmade) consisting of 5 members Jiwoo, Anais, Venus, and Yoona. The mc is a year younger than Jungwon. But yeah, enjoy. <333

I'm thinking about the fact im going to have a normal day at uni when I wake up tomorrow, and then im going to fly to Korea to see my best friend of 15 years and her group. And see my boy bsf of 3 years that I have secretly been in love with for 2, not knowing he feels the same and is planning on confessing during my time in Korea. He's eager for just a minute alone with me, but I'm just so nervous and flustered when I'm alone with him, especially when I have to see him in person, that i just avoid him and group together with my friends and his members. And each night before i fell asleep me and my best friend and I just talked about him. She knows. She can tell how in love he is with me, but im too oblivious to notice. And im too stubborn for her to convince me. But it's not normal for just a friend to fall asleep on facetime with you EVERY night, talking about how much he misses holding you, touching you, and kissing you. But he's just really affectionate, you tell yourself. But that's not what it is.

He is consumed by how much he loves you. He's praying for a single second to be alone with you so he can spill every little thing he's ever wanted to say to you, even the dirty things, the things he shouldn't say. He thinks about me too much. But i never let myself believe he could want me. And even if he did, i would never risk his career for a dating scandal.

Im in Korea for twenty days. And in those twenty days, i seem to be unconsciously avoiding the guy I've secretly been in love with for 2 years. The guy i would decline my boyfriends calls for. The guy i would skip dinner for just so i could call him when he woke up. The guy i would mess up my sleep schedule for to call him because of the 12 hour time difference. I couldn't wait for christmas. I feel like it would finally feel normal then. Not that it felt weird now. It just felt different.

The last time i saw Jungwon in real life, i was 15. Im now 18. It's been 3 years since I've seen him in person. And i fell in love with him over the phone, but I saw him in person. It made my cheeks burn, and i could feel my stomach tighten. Even though he's older than me, i always saw him as a little baby. But seeing him in person. The way he towered over me. Feeling his fingertips graze my arms. Seeing the viens run from his hands up his forearms. Seeing how soft his lips looked. How kissable they looked. I felt something change. I had had a few dirty thoughts run through my head before, from seeing videos or edits of him. But seeing him in person was something different. It felt like i could take in every detail of him thoroughly. I tried to stop all the bad thoughts from running through my brain, but i couldn't.

I arrived in Seoul a little after 11 pm. So i was sad that i wouldn't be able to talk to Jungwon for long, especially with the jet lag from a 13-hour flight. But it would all be worth it to be in the same place as him for 20 whole days. My best friend Kimmi greeted me as soon as i walked in. She had been eagerly waiting in the lobby for me. She had gone to be a trainee at Hybe a year ago. Her and my schedules were so full, and with the time zone difference, we barely had any time to talk. She ran up and hugged me. It felt so warm. I had missed her more than anything. More than Jungwon ven. We went up to our hotel room and dropped our stuff off, and met with the other val<3ntine members. Jiwoo, Anais, Venus, and Yoona. It was my first time meeting her members, and i was so excited. They were all so kind and welcoming. Me and the girls got ready and went to the room where the enhypen members were waiting to see us. When i got into the elevator, it felt like the longest yet shortest trip i had ever been on. I started to think. Im surrounded by gorgeous asian women who are thin. And i thought maybe Niki didn't actually like me. I wasn't asian, korean or japanese. I am fluent. But it's not the same. And i was plus size. I didn't fit the korean beauty standards he grew up with. Im not ugly. These girls weren't making me insecure. I know my worth. But it still worried me. Why would he like a bigger girl? A girl with curves, when he's been told to like skinny women his whole life. I heard the elevator bell ding. We are on his floor. It hit me. Im in the same country, city, FLOOR, as Jungwon, and in about three seconds, i would be in the same room as him. We walked aimlessly down the hall, searching for room B 224. Ana knocked on the door. "Open up!" She had yelled in Japanese. Kimmi had told me Anais was the more aggressive one in the group. She was also the only Japanese member too. Kimmi had also let it slip they hooked up, but I ignored that.

Heesung opened the door. "Come in!" He said welcomingly. The girls crowded through the door, hugging and greeting everybody. I got in the door, and Sunoo was the first to talk to me until Jungwon had nearly tackled him out the way to hug me. He wrapped his arms over my shoulders, and he stroked my hair that was probably knotted from the aggressive sleeping i did on the plane. I wrapped my arms around his waist, squeezing him slightly. "You dont know how much I've missed you, bug. i can't believe that im holding you right now." He said, muffled into my hair. For a second, it felt like we were the only people in the room. I could feel him swaying slightly as he held me tight. He held me like if he let go, he might not ever be able to hold me again. "Are we interrupting something? Jay laughed. Jungwon slowly let go, letting his touch linger. "My favorite American." I laughed. Jay hugged me in a way that made me feel like he was my older brother. Everyone had gone around the room, greeting each other and catching up. I could barely keep myself from yawning. "Are you tired, y/n?" Jungwon asked. "Yeah.. The flight was really long and it's late." I responded. "Do you want to go back to my room so you can lay down?" He said it so innocently. But I knew if I went back to his room alone, I would not be sleeping. "No, thank you, though, me and Kimmi are just going to head out, okay?" Why did I feel the need to ask him if that was okay? I think I was hoping he'd just tell me that he was going to bring me to his room anyway, but he gave the normal response of "Of course bug." With a sweet smile. I gave my last hug to him. I didn't want to let go. I could feel him pull away, but I just needed a couple more seconds. I dont know what for. Maybe to feel him against me. To feel his chest against my cheek. To smell his colonge. I dont know. i just know if he let go too soon, i might've cried. I grabbed Kimmi, said my goodbyes, and went back to our room. I didn't even change. I just passed out.

Okay, thank you for reading<333 Im def going to make a part two if you want to continue reading. Also, this is my first story, and also, idrk how tumblr works, so if im doing this wrong, im sorry.

#enhypen #fanfic #jungwon

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nosleepwriting · 1 year

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What WN means to me:

i watched it initially for Avatrice, ofc i did. one day during lockdown i randomly saw a crack vid of avatrice and decided to watch it. not even knowing if they end up together or if they kiss or if they become canon. i didnt watch the whole vid so i wont spoil everything, which was weird because ever since lexa, i dont watch shows without knowing that the sapphic couple would be together and happy.

did you know where i stopped? i stopped during the part where ava phased out of the wall, breathless and scared, and beatrice was there to catch her. maybe it was the way she looked, the way kristina's eyes shined as beatrice holding alba's ava in her hands that convinced me that yup these two are in love. or at least bea is. this isnt a crack ship. this is real.

so i watched s1. tbh, im one of the people who thought s1 was slow bec if im being rlly honest, i watched it for avatrice. but i wasnt expecting to love ava, that running on the beach scene loving life, alba's acting of laughing and crying and breathless under the stars with the sand below her and the ocean just in front, and watching THAT during the fucking pandemic ???? that saved me from a lot of dark thoughts swirling in my head. i wasnt expecting a family. a real found family that even when mary and lilith were fighting each other to death you can tell that there's love, there's history. there's sisterhood. i wasnt expecting that from a show with 'Warrior Nun' as a title. and not bec i thought it was silly but bec i thought it was one of those female-led show made for men.

long story short, i finished it. search tumblr for a bit for content, then twitter, then ao3, as one usually does and then nothing. i moved on, peacefully. even if that s1 cliffhanger was far from peaceful. bec i was sure there would be an s2 with that kind of ending. i went on with my life and continued to consume other media.

until october 2022. i didnt even knew they were filming s2. i saw the s2 trailer in yt randomly again. there they were. dancing. i was like how did these two go from fighting an angel?-jesus-like-incarnate in s1 to dancing casually in a bar?? i was scared at first, maybe this isnt the same show that i'll come back to bec lets be honest most s2 of a really good s1 most of a time is a let down. but then i saw the "your jealous" "that's absurd" part and i was like yup those two are in love and im going to watch this just so i can see how they do it.

for extra context (i know this is getting super long but i honestly dont care im doing this for me), im reviewing for the boards and getting invested in anything other than my studies would be really bad. i was catious with what media to consume because i need to focus on my studies. even so, i watched the final ep for context and carry the feeling before watching the first episode. the legendary fucking first episode. the hands behind teasing walk, the kiss cheek, the dance, the stare (i dont have to explain this, u know what im talking about) i replayed all of those moments 10 times bec WOW they weren't holding back.

then everything else. the little moments leading to the big ones were satisfying and so perfectly excuted that i cant even watch it with my girlfriend bec she gets mad that i keep repeating the scenes and slowing them down to take it all in. halfway through s2, i knew i was gonna watch it again. and i only really did that for 2 other shows (shera and the wilds s1, atla and tlok dont count bec i rewatch them periodically and not right after finishing) but u know what i didnt do to those other two that i did with warrior nun? i watched it a third time in a bigger screen just so i can see more. i watched in a 4th time with my girlfriend. i watched it a 5th time just so i can move on with my life and i watched it a 6th time because i missed them and i can't. i watched it a 7th time because i won't. and at this point i lost count at how much i rewatched the show. i would stream it during studying just so i could have them on screen and be inspired with finishing so i can watch them.

im just really heartbroken right now. with all this.

#warrior nun #avatrice #tired #words #rambling #really really fuck this life #i dont want the next #i wanna watch s1 and s2 again bec i miss them #but im done with netflix so #ill find a more non-legal way #i always do #fuck i wanna cry #but im beatrice-coded so what are feelings

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ifucouldfindme · 2 years

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"when you do that, louis, when you editorialize, however noble the reasoning, it calls into question the other shit you're shoveling my way." that's one of the reasons why i don't think that happened or at least didn't happened like that. this episode had a theme. violations. louis reading daniel's thoughts even after daniel said for him to stop. claudia. and then that. "im not a victim" "i do not consider myself abused" and then two episodes later that shit? i don't know... would lestat do that with someone? yes. would he do that with louis? i don't think so. but then again is lestat, the bitch is crazy. would louis the resentful cunt he is, after that, really forgive lestat? hmm. from where im standing louis needs a reason to justify letting claudia kill the love of his life and that's a pretty good one. when you stop to think about it, like, in the 1973 interview, lestat was a bad mentor, didn't care about anyone but himself, louis despised him and he still didn't tell this, are you kidding me? cuts to 2022 and he's wasting daniel's time just to say that lestat would do anything for him, that he loved him and that he longs for him, what goddamn thing would explain louis not only letting but contributing with lestat's death? now claudia has a good ass argument to convince louis.

#ngl i loved this episode #iwtv spoilers #amc iwtv #interview with the vampire #iwtv

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loveforsblog · 1 year

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The Broken Dream

The snow flakes was so early this year is it? "Gina said "I think so" Nathan reply to her.thier get married when Gina was only 19 and Nathan was 21 after the tragedy to Gina.(back to year 2022)Once, I caught sight of how women deserve to be loved. She ask me if I could her "hello my dear can you help me to carried this bag?" The old lady ask I help her to carried old lady's shopping bags up a staircase in an underpass. She thanked me and timidly asked me to help walk her to her house.

She told me she was in a rush because her husband waited to meet her whenever she went outside. As we approached, I saw a nearly blind man walking with a cane outside of the lady's house. He came up to us and took his beloved's heavy bags from me "thank you for helping my wife carried her shopping bags, I'm blind so I just wait her here" . I immediately recalled how often I was too lazy to meet my boyfriend on the way home from the supermarket or from the train station.

I lost my leg when I was 19. I was dating the boy that time then suddenly I feel dizzy "hey are you alright?" The boy ask me I don't know what happen that time I just know when I up woke up im in hospital bed room. The doctor come" Are you Ms. Gina Perez?" The doctor ask "yes I am, why ?"I answer " Ms. Perez do you go to any doctor before? "The doctor ask again "hmmm no why it's their any problem?" I ask 1 time again" he remove his mask and say " Ms. Perez you have a bone cancer we need to remove you one leg to survive, the cancer was spreading we need to cut it immediately" the doctor said and go out said I feel my whole world stop I don't know what to do just 5 more month and the competition begin that time I don't know what to do if I cut off my one leg I can't able to dance again or even walk again. More days came and I'm still thinking what would I do no one knows about my situation and suddenly my door Bell rang it's Nathan my boyfriend he come to tell me about moving to other countries. After a while, he suddenly decided to move abroad, claiming that he wanted to earn some money for us. I wanted to believe him, but was convinced that he was lying.

I told him we needed to break up and that it would be better for him. One month later, my doorbell rang. I took my crutches, opened the door and there he was. I didn't even manage to get a word out before he hug me and I can't even manage to push him away . He kneeled down in front of me, hold my hand and said, "You're an idiot! I didn't run away from you. We're going to the hospital tomorrow and there's a prosthesis waiting for you. I went abroad to earn money so you'll be able to walk again - do you understand?" I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I couldn't utter a single word - I just hugged him tightly and cried. And I realized that all my dreams was gone after my surgery the doctor said I can't able to dance again because theirs a lot of consequences when I try to dance again.

After a few months we decided to get married and I decided to give up my dreams and go to states to stay their for goods. After a month I get pregnant and give birth to healthy baby boy. we decided to go to my sister house because

My older sister got married. Her husband is a picky eater and is very hard to please when it comes to food. Every time he openly criticizes her cooking, I always recall my sister's ex-boyfriend. Whenever she cooked chicken liver, he always ate it and said he'd never tasted anything better. It later turned out that he was actually allergic to chicken liver - he just loved my sister very much.Im already turning 49 this year and I'm always thank to the man who always been in my side. Thank to may prosthetic leg I can manage to do house hold chores and I can easily go to the place I want . And sometimes I thinking about what happened if didn't loose my leg if I hadn't a disease and hadn't to remove my leg, would I still have a happy family like this? and suddenly my husband came to pick me up "Honey what are you doing, are you still thinking about will you dance?. Nathan asked "no, I'm just thinking about how handsome my grandson Matthew is" smiling at Nathan "Ok honey let's go and lets see our handsome grandson " and kiss may forehead. Sometimes you think to stop dreaming because of the problem but God have plan to us so don't loose your hope and continue to dreaming because we have our own destination God have plan to us just like me maybe this was his plan for me until know theirs a lot o

person around me who always supporting me Nathan may beloved husband may son Luke also may grandson Matthew some and I'm so happy to meet them all.

Character

*Nathan (husband)

*Matthew (grandson)

*Sister

*Brother in law

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throughthelensofthebabypanini · 1 year

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I posted 6,991 times in 2022

That's 6,898 more posts than 2021!

19 posts created (0%)

6,972 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@winterspiderpurrs

@khalixascorner

@im-a-goner-foryou

@monster-cock69

@professional-benaddict

I tagged 3,037 of my posts in 2022

#peter parker - 940 posts

#harringrove - 839 posts

#steve harrington - 787 posts

#billy hargrove - 713 posts

#starker - 557 posts

#tony stark - 532 posts

#bucky barnes - 321 posts

#steve rogers - 221 posts

#winterspider - 215 posts

#spiderman - 203 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#literally they look like the couple that will show up ridiculously late at a party and still own the night because theyre just that powerful

My Top Posts in 2022:

Okay so I’ve had this prompt(?)/idea(?)/plot outline(?) stuck in my mind ever since Black Panther gave me Erik “Killmonger” Stevens🥺 to drool over so here it goes:

• Post CW: Peter and Tony have been together for almost 2 years, Peter’s convinced their endgame cuz they’re both so in love. WRONG, Peter discovers that Tony’s been cheating on him with Steve for the past 6 months when Tony moans Steve’s name during sex.

• Tony tries to apologize, excuses start flying out his ass, “Baby you know you’re the only one for me.” Peter, against his better judgement, relents and they try to make it work.

• Not even a week goes by, he walks in on Tony and Steve. Tony tries to appease him but NOPE, Peter packs his bags and leaves.

• On May’s suggestion, Peter goes on sabbatical to Oakland where he decides to volunteer at the Wakandan embassy. There he starts to heal and stuff. Then, he gets the chance to actually go to Wakanda for immersion.

• In Wakanda he meets the newly healed and inducted prince N’Jadaka (Erik). It’s rough at first, Erik is closed off and Peter’s just starting to find himself again but they make it work. They complement each other and they’re beautiful together.

• 4 years later, SI is in need of Vibranium so Pepper and Tony, who’s not looking so great cuz him and Steve are just not okay, travel to Wakanda to negotiate with the Foreign Relations co chair and COO of the Wakandan Vibranium Distribution

• They arrive in a lavish conference room, set up their presentation/proposal, the door opens and a Dora Milajae announces the arrival of “the soon-to-be Prince Consort of Wakanda, the fiancée of Prince N’Jadaka, the Foreign Relations co chair and the COO of the WVD, Dr. Peter Benjamin Parker.”

• “Good morning ladies and gentlemen, shall we start the presentation? I have a meeting with our wedding planner and a cake tasting this afternoon. Who knew planning for a royal wedding was going to be so much work?” Everybody present laughs except for Tony.

• Because there in front of Tony is the man whose heart he broke looking absolutely breathtaking with a dazzling smile on his face and his heart aches remembering how much he fucked this up not just for himself but also for SI.

🤩TADAAA🤩

This actually looks more like an outline as opposed to a prompt but when I started writing the words just wouldn’t stop😅 anyways I’m just sooo glad I got this out of my system as I’ve been playing this story in my head for so long.💕✨

26 notes - Posted June 8, 2022

❤️IL SUO CUORE💙

This is my first ever starker fic and I hope you like it. The fic is not beta read because this was supposed to just be a ficlet that turned into a full length-ish one. For some reason when I opened my Notes app this story just started to write itself so its rushed and not perfect, so please be kind to it🙏🏽 alsooo TW‼️ for attempt at non-con starting from: “memories of his Heart” up to “Back pressed against the wall”. If anyone wants to beta this please feel free to dm me and I’ll post it on ao3 🤩anyways here’s the fic, I hope you like it!🥺✨💕

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

It happened. The one thing that Tony tried to warn everyone about. “A suit of armor around the world”, that’s what they needed but no one NO ONE believed him and it cost him the one thing THE ONE THING he couldn’t live without. THE ONE THING he’d burn the whole world for.

Two years. Two blissful, mind numbingly wonderful years became the film reel he’d see every damn time he closed his eyes. Whispers beneath black silk sheets. Smiles reserved only for him surrounded by his creations, Their children. Declarations of “It’s going to be You and Me together Baby, always.” Hazelnut eyes sparkling with intelligence, wit, and love. The Love he lost in a planet lightyears away from home. Gooey caramel eyes that looked at him with so much adoration and warmth. So desperate to feel a smidgen of that warmth again, he plunged right back into old habits.

“Tony, you need to stop this! You’re killing yourself!” Tony looked at her, tumbler creaking under the weight of his hand. The woman he thought he loved years ago. Ha! She couldn’t even accept the biggest part of him. Couldn’t look at the symbol of his determination and perseverance to live. No, He was the only one who truly loved him but He’s gone now, he failed Him. Dust in a small alabaster jar on his nightstand. A reminder that He loved him as fiercely as He protected the city that raised Him.

“Why don’t we go away for a little while Tony. Some place quite just the two of us huh? Please for me.” Please for Me. Please for Me. PLEASE FOR ME. Tony, let’s go grab dinner. We’ve been stuck on this equation for 10 hours. Come on, please for Me. Everything imploded. Arms suddenly embraced him. Sinking on his knees and letting the grief wash over his soul, at least what remained of it after Titan. Tony relented, succumbed to the comfort he didn’t love.

Nobody knew of course. To everyone else, Tony Stark didn’t lose anyone of importance to him. They had no fucking idea that the Heart he finally had after decades of iron and pain and false affection turned to crumbled in front of his eyes, Dust in a small alabaster jar on his nightstand.

The house by the lake was what Tony envisioned the first time He said, “You know, I love New York. I’m tied to her but sometimes I just want to put my feet up, lounge on a swing by the porch looking out to a lake with you by my side.” He would’ve loved it here. His Nymph, his little Sunflower Prince. This would’ve been Their paradise, His meadow, the house he built for Him beside the lake He imagined, porch swing included.

She didn’t let him bring anything he could work on. “No distractions, please. You need to rest.” That’s what she insisted on. She could try and take away, his projects, holograms, ban him from his workshop, but she could never take away the old Starkphone with busted up screen from him. “This isn’t a distraction! It’s my Lifeline Pep!” A Lifeline filled with conversations of forever, images of those two years, and His voice. She tried to fight him for it but she backed off eventually, said “okay Tony” and went back to her calls. Her worked distracted her enough from realizing that he had another lifeline strapped to his thigh for safekeeping.

“Tony, come on. I know you want it, need it even.” It became a routine a few weeks after she sequestered him in the middle of nowhere. “No Pep. I don’t want it. I don’t need it. I have my own room for a reason.” A conversation repeated almost everyday now with the same words said, the same responses given. And every time she sulks, flounces around house, clattering pots, pouting, looking at him with glassy ice blue eyes, he apologizes like it’s his fault he doesn’t want to touch her like that. Can’t even stomach anyone touching him like how his Heart used to.

He sleeps, he eats, he tries to survive. She “dotes” on him, tries to get him to open up, then tries to distract him with SI work because “the company still employs thousands of people Tony. We can’t all be stuck in our grief.” With nothing to drown himself with, he relents. Works on improving tech for Stark now that “Tony’s had time to grieve and he’s going back to work Mr. Walker, don’t worry I’ll make sure of it.”

They celebrate the company hitting another milestone 1 year, 7 months, 16 days after Titan, after the snap, after he put Dust in a small alabaster jar on his nightstand. Stark giving the world a breakthrough in first response equipment. A biodegradable easy to use adhesive for wounds based on His formula. A formula tucked away in the servers he made for Him. Servers she had no right snooping around in. “This could help a lot of people Tony. Relief operations, rescue missions they’re still happening. SI could aid in those efforts.” He wasn’t convinced, this was His. His creation and no one but Him should decide what to do with it but he’s gone, Dust in a small alabaster jar on his nightstand. “Okay” he yields.

“This is great Tony. We’re still on top of almost all major fields. Stark is still the powerhouse we built despite everything that’s happened. And you’re finally coming out of your funk. Here, I know you shouldn’t but since it’s a special occasion you can have a glass or two.” One glass, two, three, four. One bottle, two, three, four. He sat there, throat burning, vision blurring, his whole world spinning, it was nice feeling warm again, even just a little bit. He wants nothing more than to keep floating, drifting like he did in the Benatar. No expectations, no deadlines, no pressure, just him and memories of his Heart.

Then a weight on his lap disturbs his peace. Arms around his neck, hands on his hair, chapped lips on his. “It’s okay Tony. I know what you need. Don’t worry I’ll take care of everything. We’ll be a family, I’ll make us a beautiful family. You and me together, always.” He screams, “GET THE FUCK OFF ME!” Shoves his arms forward and scrambles to the corner of the room. Back pressed against the wall, nanites crawling up from his thigh to his outstretched arms, gauntlets ready to fire. “WHAT THE FUCK TONY! We were finally going to be together again!” This bitch, THIS BITCH! “What the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING?! I TOLD YOU! I told you NO YOU BITCH! NO!”

“TONY! I’m trying to help you! THIS, ALL THIS I can fix it for you. WE can fix this, all you have to do is let me take care of you the way you need it.”

“THE WAY I NEED IT?! And you think what?! Everything’ll be okay after we fuck?! Is that it?!”

“No! We’re going to make love the way we used to. Tony, I love you so much, I just want to help you, let me help you.”

“I don’t know what ideas you’ve convinced yourself with Potts but I don’t love you anymore! Hell, I never knew what love TRULY meant when we were together. Whatever fantasies you’ve conjured up about us is just that, a fantasy because I’ve only ever loved someone once in my whole life. My Heart, who I lost on a godforsaken planet lightyears away from here!”

“Tony you don’t mean that! You’re just confused, we weren’t together when you were up there, I’m still here Tony. We can even be a family now. No more Iron Man or Avengers distracting you. We can finally make a life together, a family. Don’t you want that?”

“My Heart isn’t you Potts. It never was. I don’t even want you to know who He was after what you pulled you selfish bitch! The only family I want is the one I built with Him! Just like how I want to live in this house, the house I built FOR HIM, WITH HIM!”

Seething, he was seething. It was clear, even to Rhodey whenever she let him visit, that he held no affection let alone love for her. He thought she was safe, but he should’ve known. Should’ve realized all those times she insisted she take care of him that way. How could he be so stupid.

“Tony, please you have to understand, I’m doing this for US. I won’t let you ruin the life I made for us here. I won’t let you!”

“What life?! I was trying to survive my grief, these months weren’t us making a life together. I needed a place to grieve the Love I lost and you INSISTED on being there for me but what did you do? You took away my suit, Rhodey has to go through you before he can visit me, you only let me use the workshop because you thought I just needed to suck it up and make SI more money! This isn’t life, this is a prison! And I was soo stupid not to realize the shit you were pulling.”

He had to leave. He had to be safe, so he fired at the wall across him and ran up to take the last thing that was His. Dust in a small alabaster jar clutched safe in his hands, the suit engulfed him and before he could reach him FRIDAY freed him from the prison she made.

“I’m so sorry Baby, don’t worry I’m gonna make sure that We’re going to be safe from now on. FRIDAY set a course for the compound, alert everyone I’m coming back.”

The field was littered with the remains of the team he once considered his family, a family that he was trying to mend because the world needed them. You’re so much more than who you mask yourself with Tony. You’ve always been kind, generous, you gave the world a hope unlike any other. And I AM SO PROUD of you for doing this. Nobody moved when he landed but when the nanites retreated, their eyes saw everything. The grief he tried to survive, the pain that bled through every bone in his body, they could all see it now. Laid bare, hands clutched around the Dust in a small alabaster jar, he wept.

“It’s okay Tones, FRIDAY told us, it’s going to be okay, you’re here now, you’re safe.”

The days passed but the hollowness didn’t, everything was still painful but he was starting to hope now. He didn’t think he’d ever get to the point where he would function without his Heart but he was trying, it’s what He would’ve wanted. I’m not going to pretend that I know how difficult this must be for you Tony but you are doing the right thing. It’s scary, I’d be peeing my pants if I was in your shoes, but you can get through this. I’m gonna be with you every step of the way.

See the full post

32 notes - Posted May 11, 2022

“They met by pure chance.

Peter was working a very much illegally obtained job as a pizza delivery boy, and Tony had just escaped Obadiah's dreadfully boring client briefings. Peter makes his last delivery to a shitty nightclub- the same shitty nightclub Tony picked to avoid paparazzi.

Tony is not gay. He's really not. He's just drunk and painfully horny. He figured he'd give it a chance because this guy was very hot- and definitely on the young side but that's what bouncers were for, right? To check ID.

He didn't expect to fall in love. He didn't expect to be someone's dirty secret. He didn't expect to be the one begging for a relationship.”

Made my first ever moodboard for this starker fic I’ve been obsessed with for quite a while now which is Dacrylagnia by Extraho🤩

It’s very well done and a big departure from the common dynamic that I’ve seen starker portrayed in fics💖 here’s the link and as always, mind the tags!💕✨

86 notes - Posted April 22, 2022

Post CW Avengers where Alphas Steve and Bucky pull a Clint-with-the-secret-family and bring the entire team to hide out in their upstate NY home but forgetting to inform their former HYDRA Spider/Red Room’s only begotten Son/Herald of Death Omega Peter that they’re bringing guests over.

- - - - -

“You know, when I told you boys you could bring work home with you sometimes, I meant you could bring paperwork or evidence you need to study, not bring your entire team over because the villain of the week blew up the compound.” An unknown voice rings loud and clear in the hull of the Quinjet startling the already agitated heroes.

After a moment of stunned silence, Tony peeps out, “Um, hello? Hi! Who are you?”

The voice responds cooly, “Ask the Alphas whose knots are in danger of being fodder for the pigs.”

“Heeey babydoll! Um We know this isn’t the best time to do this but we thought the team could spend a few days at ours?” Steve, who apparently knows the owner of the voice, reasons. The Captain fiddles with his hands and throws a sheepish smile towards one of the cameras.

“Don’t you babydoll me Steven Grant. We agreed that the pups and I are off limits to your crew until we’re all ready. This is a clear violation of what we agreed on.” ‘Babydoll’ bites out.

Bucky opens his mouth to respond but is cut off by a flailing Tony, “Wait wait wait! Hold on! Babydoll? Pups? What the actual fuck is going on right now?”

Bucky stares at Steve, a whole conversation happens with their eyes. Steve widens his eyes at Bucky and the latters sighs heavily. With a pinch of his nose he says gesturing to the ceiling and then towards the team, “Um so everyone this is Steve’s and I’s mate, Peter. Peter, darlin’, this is the team.”

Peter, who seems to be more exasperated now than displeased responds, “I would like to say it’s a pleasure but considering the circumstances it’s quite unfortunate that this is how our family’s introduced to all of you.” He sighs and calls out to Steve and Bucky, “Steven, James, KAREN’ll take care of the landing protocols. Make sure not to agitate any of the plasma cannons near the fences, I’d prefer it that I’m the one that gets to blast you both for this.”

Both super soldiers let out a relieved breath, “We’ll make it up to you sweetheart. We promise.”

“Oh you better or else you both can get ready sleeping with the horses for at least a month.”

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. I am KAREN of the Spider’s network. I request everyone to please be seated as we are about to reach the Barnes-Rogers family home. Thank you.

90 notes - Posted June 10, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Just thinking abt ABO starker with FRIDAY calling Peter “Madame Stark” UGHHHHH

Could be a post CACW fic with Tony “welcoming” the rogues back to the compound and FRIDAY saving him from a confrontation by announcing,“Boss, Madame Stark has arrived and is looking for you.” *insert the rogues’ confusion here*

172 notes - Posted April 11, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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blood-loving-leech · 6 months

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Reasons why @/deadvxmp was a shitty boyfriend

He was my best friend from fall of 2021 until fall of 2022

Last october he tried to kill himself, when i freaked out and started crying my sister heard me and told my moms friend who was watching us that night who then tried to call emts like ANY PERSON WOULD WHEN A KID IS TRYING TO KILL THEMSELVES

And so he said I was “making his attempt about me” yeah my bad for worrying about your fucking LIFE AND SURVIVAL DAMN he just wanted me to not feel any emotions abt his death ig

After that everything kinda went downhill with my then-girlfriend and I wasn’t sure about if I should break up with her since she was my only friend and everyone else was just friends by extension through her but he convinced me to break up with her knowing full well she was my only irl friend

In january, he ghosted me for a week and a half when I visited california, when I got back I tried to kms and he decided without talking to me that it was his fault and that i’d kms if he left which he is now using against me saying I explicitly threatened to kms if he left me and claiming that that was emotional manipulation on my part

At this point I think he was only friends with me because of that and he was supposed afraid of me, then in february he asked to call me his boyfriend?? which why would you ASK THAT if you don’t even like the person fuck you

After my attempt, my mother grew suspicious of the college student we were both friends with (for some reason, Misha seems to think I had something to do with it but I have no clue what her though process was) and effectively ended up getting them (college student) cut out of our lives, said student was regrettably Mishas fp and so when we found out it was my mom back in june he blamed me and spent months guilting me over it and making it very clear that it was “all my fault” for trying to kms in the first place until we broke up

sometime in the spring he literally taught me how to purge and yet he blames me for worsening his eating disorder despite me telling him not to abuse the laxatives when he first got them and trying to convince him to eat more and telling him i’d love him no matter what he looked like but SURE i’m the one who encouraged his ed because he thought i’d only like him if he was skinny even though i never said anything of the sort

he also blamed me for treating him like a child every time he misunderstood something and I tried to explain myself because he said it made him feel stupid and generally just told me to shut up every time i tried explaining myself

he never said he loved me first, undoubtedly because he never actually loved me, and he said he didn’t believe i loved him so i spent our entire relationship trying to prove my love to him until finally i realized he was putting in no effort to love me and i stopped trusting him (he broke up with me like literally one week after i said “i don’t believe you anymore”)

when i realized i had issues that were affecting our relationship i went to therapy for them and my therapist said “yeah you could work on some stuff but he also has to learn to trust you as his boyfriend” and i told him that and he said he could try and then like two days later said “yeah i lied actually im never going to trust you i just wanted you to think id try” like WTF

when he broke up with me he said it was to “take the strain off our friendship” since we’d been arguing almost all the time and i said he’d have to give me some time because DUH he was breaking up with me and that fucken hurt but then i literally had no other friends so i went back to him and said we could be friends and he told me basically to fuck off and take some time to figure stuff out while he talked to his friends about stuff and so two days later when he blocked me everywhere i asked what was going on and he was like “my friends all say you’re a shitty person and i prefer not talking to you so leave me alone and never talk to me again” and then blocked me some more

so in heartbroken confusion i wanted to figure out what he thought i did that was so shitty by waiting for him to post stuff abt it on his tumblr but then he started going off about how i was ableist and encouraged his eating disorder and physically abused him even though he lives in alaska and i live in washington and its literally closer to mexico than it is to him but yeah sure i totally did all that

so i got angry and did dumb things and went off on him and called him names i knew he hated and all sorts of shit to which he responded by telling all our mutual friends that i did all those things that i didn’t unless i have complete fucking amnesia so there goes the few sorta friends i still have and i still wanted to know what i supposedly did wrong and obviously i did more dumb shit that got out of hand and now he’s sending people to tell me to kms and people to threaten to kill me which i actually wish they would do but he chose to be mutuals with cowards who won’t actually hike butt over to gig harbor and stab me

are we both terrible people? maybe yes. i know i’ve made mistakes but he certainly isn’t innocent

i’ve done things wrong but the whole time we were dating i hand made him gifts and jewelry and sent him tea bags and told him i loved him multiple times every day and wrote him poems and drew fanart of his ocs and fawned over how cute/handsome he was and how good his sense of fashion was and encourage his career dreams and assure him i loved him and i planned to move with him to college and then canada and get shots to fix my cat allergies so we could have cats and i broke the rules and almost got kicked out of my favorite summer camp because he asked me to and he never said he loved me and the only compliment he could ever muster was “v snazzy” so i don’t think it’s much of a question of who loved who here

the difference is i only ever wanted to figure out my mistakes while he decided it was appropriate to send people to tell me to kms

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m1dn1ghtposts · 1 year

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// tw: suicide, death, self harm, sexual assault, mental illness, vent //

00:22 am

i saw a post about wondering if your 12 year old self would be proud of you today, and i really thought about everything that’s happened. i’ve done some great things but some equally bad ones too, so in this post i’ll go through some of those.

- i graduated high school early with a high gpa

i also reached record suicide attempts when i switched schools, almost succeeded a couple of times, and relapsed into self harm… something she hated. i still pick at my skin, and think about joining my love pretty often. i was physically and verbally abused because a guy that tried to rape me while i was under the influence got mad when i rejected him. yeah i skipped a grade, but i lost everyone, and nobody believed in me until my name was read off at graduation. if i didnt have my partner at the time i would have broken down completely, theres no way i could come back from that much of a dark place and been okay.

- i got accepted into the college i wanted to go to

my car, the only thing that has consistently kept me hanging on to this life, was keyed while i was there. my roommates were toxic and lied to my partner to disrupt my relationship. i couldn’t focus on my classes because they would have people over until anywhere from midnight to 3am. i couldnt get a job because whenever i would show up in my usual dark outfits and makeup to any place in the little country town i would get great reviews as far as capabilities and qualifications go, but never a call back. id also get weird looks all the time, maybe im crazy and seeing things but when a bunch of boys say im scary looking and they feel threatened i dont always take it as a compliment. not to mention the sudden and horrific passing of my partner during finals, the event that drove me to dropping out. to this day im fighting for a refund, despite it all happening within the fall of 2022 semester.

- i drive a cool car and found a really neat interest

i hardly ever get compliments, and my car is damaged, though i’ll never say exactly where. theres chips in the paint where rust pokes through, a piece missing from my windows tint, sun damage on parts of my paint, scratches everywhere either from the keying or from her previous owners… i could point out every little flaw forever. i love my car so much, its crazy to me that i never realized earlier how much i love cars, but that doesn’t mean anybody else appreciates the work and money i put into my car to keep her clean and shiny. not to mention how misogynistic the car community is. its depressing to see some of the posts ive seen, saying how women terrible drivers and dont know anything about cars. not only is it depressing to see from some of my favorite content creators, but its making me want to stop trying. stop pouring so much effort into something nobody will appreciate except me. maybe this is dramatic, but its true to me. once every month or two it takes a few of my friends to convince me to keep trying and keep building her up, but when most of what i see is negativity its very hard to ignore. i dont need everyone to like my car, i dont need everyone to be accepting of women either, i just want to feel like im a part of a community i allign a lot with. isnt the whole point to bond over wanting to modify your car and watch the progress?

- i did great in band and survived all 3 years of marching band (remember, i skipped a year)

i havent touched my trumpet in forever and started smoking sophomore year from stress, right around the school change. i know its bad and will kill me someday, but do i really care? so what, im only alive today because of pure luck. its really sad to say, but i couldnt care less about when this all ends, all i want is to feel okay. i just want to have this small vice and if it kills me someday so be it. also, for every great achievement in band i screwed up a run equally as bad or just didnt even play the music. its hard to stay motivated in a place that hates you.

basically, for every achievement i can boast, there’s an equal or greater bad side to it. at least thats what it seems like. maybe im just negative, or maybe im realistic. why should i lie to myself anyways? my 12 year old self was great at every subject and at least tried to be happy and spread joy despite the bullying. she didnt know about her own abuse, from a family member no less. she didnt know why her step brother liked touching her privates or why he kept doing weird things with her dolls. now it just keeps happening, with everybody i hold close. not even just sexual assault, but manipulation ive learned to notice, straight up abuse that i never recognized. honestly, my current self sees no real value in doing really anything, i’ll lay in bed all day if i cant get up. i could have failed out of college and i couldnt even get a job until it was fully remote. i abuse my body and i cant stop, i dont know how. i smoked weed in college because i couldnt sleep or calm down and now most nights there are a blur, its all i had to cope while 1.5 hours away from my partner… when i had him. maybe its my fault, maybe i just screw up everything i touch like the inverse of midas. i cant tell, i just know im losing it.

#vent #tw sui vent #tw self destructive thoughts #tw smoking #tw death #tw drugs #tw self sabotage #tw suicide #tw self loathing #tw sex abuse #tw sexualization of minors #tw r@pe #tw vent #tw abuse

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