Thanatophobia Pride Flag

[IMAGE ID: a flag with five horizontal stripes with the central one being bigger. Their colors are, from top to bottom, grey, brown, white, grey and dark green. In the center of the flag there is a dark brown symbol of a skull. END ID]

[IMAGE ID: a flag with five horizontal stripes with the central one being bigger. Their colors are, from top to bottom, grey, brown, white, grey and dark green. END ID]

Thanatophobia: irrational fear of death. Can also be called death anxiety.

ah yes, having an anxiety attack bc my hypochondriac ass couldn't stop googling symptoms... fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

therapy yesterday (tw: health anxiety, specifically heart-related; contamination OCD)

so i probably have health anxiety. i've been having some physical symptoms which led me to get an electrocardiogram (ECG) and then a 24hr ECG - and of course i didn't have any symptoms during, only before and after 🙄- but i talked to my psych about how i get all obsessive over it (e.g. i get palpitations, i check what that could mean, i worry i'm having a heart attack, the anxiety causes the palpitations to get worse, the cycle continues). and turns out she wrote her masters thesis on heart-related health anxiety so literally the best person i could be talking to about this!

in typical health anxiety fashion i spent all of today researching health anxiety. i found a subreddit (r/HealthAnxiety) and reading their posts has been really helpful. i also found a workbook on health anxiety so i'll read that.

the thing to remember is that i'm still here. like... i've had many episodes of these heart symptoms and i'm not dead.

of course though, all the symptoms of a heart attack are the same as symptoms of anxiety & panic attacks. which makes it hard! but then the trick is to wait, as hard as that is. if you're really having a heart attack, your body knows. panic attacks are awful but they won't kill you.

if i had been assessed as a kid, i reckon i would've been diagnosed with OCD (and painfully obvious autism lol). i read Roald Dahl's autobiography when i was a kid and he wrote about having appendicitis which scared the shit out of me. obviously treatment and prognosis of appendicitis is way better in 2023 than it was in the early 1900s lol. but if i felt any amount of abdominal pain i'd be mentally running through the symptoms of appendicitis and freak myself out over it. (a small reason why i got a hysterectomy was so that i'd be 100% certain that i could never get a ruptured ovarian cyst, or endometriosis, or cervical cancer, etc.).

i was also obsessed with (and terrified of) natural disasters. i'd memorised all the cloud shapes and patterns and what they meant and i was always analysing the clouds to make sure a tornado wasn't about to happen (worth noting i live in a part of the world where tornadoes literally do not happen). or i'd see a mountain that was vaguely pointy and i'd be like, oh shit what if that's a volcano. or i'd be at the beach and be obsessively checking the sky and sea to make sure i'd be prepared if a tsunami were to happen (again, there's no volcanic activity here or tsunamis). bushfires do happen and can be pretty severe (our house came close to burning down a few times) and i still fixate on them during bushfire season but definitely not to the point i did as a kid.

i also went through a phase were i'd never be sure if i washed my hands after going to the loo, so i'd go back to the bathroom multiple times to wash them again. classic OCD there.

my psych and i theorise that these anxiety/OCD-like symptoms are the result of autism and trauma (as everything seems to be in my life lol). it makes sense - a little (undiagnosed) autistic kid in a chaotic, unstable environment hyperfixates on control and uncertainty (OCD)... and develops a fear of pain and death. an injury can be controlled, there's a process and uniformity to it (e.g. you cut your finger, so you wash it and get a bandaid, and over time it heals). an abusive environment is unpredictable and can't be controlled, so you focus on what you can control (and dissociate from the rest). once again, i have to wonder how much easier and better my life would be if it weren't for all the trauma lol...

Though not a symptom of the disorder, NPD has contributed heavily to me developing Illness anxiety.

A need for control, a desire for perfection and extreme focus on myself all combine into these anxiety spirals whenever I have to face the limitations of the human body.

My body experiences pain, aches and sickness beyond my control. I can't accept these imperfections, they shouldn't be happening. My self-obsession make it so I can think of little else but these unpleasant signals.

I get stuck fixating on them so much, I become terrified that any physical sensations is a sign my body is about to betray me.

Love being a hypochondriac that hates seeing doctors. Really not a good combo. No idea if anything’s wrong but I sure ain’t getting reassurance that everything’s alright. 

Me, doing anything:

My hypochondria: gUeSs wHaT

Me: what do you want

My hypochondria: You're dying :)

Me: Why?!

My hypochondria: Y o u' r e d y i n g < 3

Fun night tonight to ruminate ruminate ruminate and be anxious about being anxious and be crippled by health anxiety and hate how my body just doesn't reach homeostasis anymore in my late 20's so I'm constantly tormented by what if's with health stuff. I just feel like I'm being swallowed and spat out over and over I wanna tear my hair out 🙃🙃 aAAHHHH

Care-seeking: Medical care, including physician visits or undergoing tests and procedures, is frequently used.

Care-avoidant: Medical care is rarely used.

This is for the people who didn’t party in their teens and twenties. For the people who didn’t have that “coming of age” movie experience with shenanigans and revelations. This is for the people who mostly keep to themselves. Who maybe prefer things to be quieter and gentler. This is for the people who don’t feel like they belong in a culture that values loud parties and flashing lights. I see you. And you are valid.

chronic fatigue from mental illness and neurodivergency isn't something you can just will your way out of. your nervous system is part of your body. your brain is an organ. the fatigue is real. you're not lazy. so be kinder to yourself. be gentler with your bodymind.

gentle reminder that crying is actually one of the best things you can do to relieve all that tension and emotion in your brain, and not to resist the impulse because it's 'weak' or 'unnecessary' or 'a plea for attention.' if you need to cry, do it, even if you don't always know the reason. your body does.

Cardiophobia Pride Flag

[IMAGE ID: a flag with five horizontal stripes with the central one being bigger. Their colors are, from top to bottom, dark red, pastel red, white, grey and dark green. In the center of the flag there is a dark red symbol of a broken heart. END ID]

[IMAGE ID: a flag with five horizontal stripes with the central one being bigger. Their colors are, from top to bottom, dark red, pastel red, white, grey and dark green. END ID]

Cardiophobia: irrational and extreme fear of having an heart attack and heart diseases. It is a form of thanatophobia, the irrational fear of death.

I'm like 99% sure that I'm dying of something... I just want to kill myself so i dont have to live with this fear

Are you a “I don’t check my notifications. I have 2538 unread emails” mentally ill and/or neurodivergent person or a “ I have to check all my notifications because that little red bubble in the right corner of every app fucks with my vibe” mentally ill and/or neurodivergent person?

The only thing to fear is fear itself and honey, I have a anxiety disorder