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severepink · 3 months

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Observing Adam

Where I go way too deep into something that probably isn't that deep. It's long, it's long as hell.

Okay, so you'd think with how Adam talks he's just a typical misogynist, right?

This man worships pussy. So much so, he's named a whole ass angel, one of his best, Vagina. You'd say that he objectifies them and thinks of them as being lesser, but I don't think that's the whole story. In fact, I think he might be the original simp.

All of these exorcists so far have been women. All of them. He refers to them as ladies or bitches interchangeably, he sees them as being completely capable of absolutely decimating leagues of some of the most vile beings who have ever existed, and they have, to the point it was only after thousands of years that there's been a risk to this hierarchy.

He's a self-centered, egotistical, loud-mouthed, arrogant asshole, no doubt about it, but I'm beginning to suspect something now.

If Adam and Lilith were created from the same dust, if they were created as equals, I am more than willing to bet... Lilith is also a self-centered, egotistical, arrogant asshole. But, she's likely far more intelligent, composed, and duplicitous.

Lilith was allowed to refuse Adam and leave of her own free will and garnered her own independence. A new wife was created for Adam, she was replaced. My guess, is she thought Adam wouldn't be able to live without her, to come back and find herself replaced entirely, she was enraged.

I believe both Adam and Lilith were both incredibly dominant individuals who fought over ideas, thoughts, and ultimately in the bedroom as well, if we take into account the creationist stories.

I'm willing to bet she likely manipulated Lucifer into twisting humanity against its original concept. What if Lucifer's intention truly was to just spark something within Eve, like independence and thought and creation, but it was Lilith's poison within the fruit that tainted her, then subsequently Adam, with sin.

Lilith thrived in hell, while Lucifer's dreams of creation were dashed. She didn't suffer as he did, instead the power of her voice grew with hell. Her voice grew so powerful that heaven found it to be a threat, her actions instigated the beginning of exterminations.

Charlie said that when she was a little girl, she didn't know Lucifer at all. I don't think this was because of Lucifer, he's seen here, picking her up, inviting her to share in his thoughts and dreams, showing her something wonderful. Something she could see within herself.

Charlie says that it's this moment that sparked her will to fight for her dreams. Which is strange, because at the very beginning of the story, Charlie says it was her mother's dream that was passed down to her.

Lilith took Charlie away. In this scene, Lucifer wasn't done showing Charlie his thoughts and dreams, he's still yearning to show his daughter these things at this point.

Lucifer loves his daughter. He loves Charlie so, so, so much. So why wasn't he allowed to build a relationship with his daughter for the longest time? He was waiting for the opportunity to get to know her, but with how much he adores her why didn't he do it sooner? He didn't comment on 'It took you a while-' he just said he missed her smile. They don't want to be pulled apart, again.

Now, we know Vivziepop has said that Lucifer and Lilith love each other, but Lilith 'wears the pants' in the relationship. We see all of the pictures all over the walls of a supposedly happy family. I don't think the relationship was as loving as originally portrayed and Lilith is a woman who desires control above all else. She likely tried to mitigate what influence Lucifer had over their daughter when she thought his angelic thoughts and behaviors became more than what she approved of.

Lets take it back to Adam and Lute for a moment. Again, Adam is a loud mouthed idiot, he's a jerk. The moment he realizes there are demons in heaven, he's ready to go on the attack. It's only because of Lute that he didn't end up doing something absolutely idiotic.

I gotta say, Lute and Adam's relationship is an absolutely fascinating one. He's a disrespectful dick head in how he talks, but how he acts is a different story. He allows Lute to man-handle him. He does listen to her, even if he's a whiny bitch about it.

Look at him, this is the face of a man listening, a dumb one, but a dude listening all the same. He doesn't manhandle her back, he doesn't even pull away until she lets go of his collar. Of all the shit he complained about, between being grabbed and being told what to do, his biggest complaint is that she's telling him to shush.

We know that Adam is the one who suggested the exterminations to begin with, so Sera says, and this was because of the power that Lilith was amassing. To him, Lilith is a threat. Even when he was willing to move on, to go to another wife when Lilith didn't want him or want to submit to him (fair babe, he's a bit of an idiot), she came back with an angel and proceeded to manipulate his new wife Eve. This is the supposed progenitor of man-kind, the original dick (hilariously enough), the reason civilization even exists at all. He and Eve had to fight for their lives after being tempted with the fruit. They had immortality, they had no ideas of shame, they were supposedly 'innocent' creatures before Lilith and Lucifer came along. He and Eve had to fight tooth and nail to survive after being cast from Eden. I think it shows in how willing and ready he is to take lead and do what he believes needs to be done, now out of a need for entertainment rather than a need to defend or protect. But, he still stopped to listen to Lute's advice. In the mythological story of Adam and Eve, Adam is the one who has to tell Eve that god said don't eat the fruit. Eve never heard god speak to her, so she was vulnerable to the snake's manipulations. She will now die because she ate it, and because she did not want Adam to take another wife, convinced him to eat it unknowingly. Funnily enough, Adam tried to explain to god that 'she lied to me and gave me the fruit' and in this actual mythology, Adam was punished for listening to his wife. Even without mentioning Lilith in the original mythology, Eve didn't want Adam to take another wife, so when we consider it within the context of Hazbin Hotel, it may be likely that's how it went down. Eve knew of Lilith, knew that she could be replaced, and decided that she would take Adam with her.

I believe that Adam does and did rely on the women in his life to help him with direction. I think Adam knows he can be an idiot and is willing to listen, even if he doesn't agree with what he's hearing. He did listen to Charlie in the beginning, he just didn't believe in her, like everyone else and he, out of anyone there, probably had the most reason not to. Cain and Abel were his and Eve's sons, his own child became the first murderer. Out of jealousy, the same kind of jealousy that no doubt has caused Lilith to act how she did. Adam isn't going to have empathy for sinners. His family, his legacy, were filled with the original sinners. He probably had to kill his son Cain in hell during the first exterminations. What do you think he would have had to feel, if it came to be a fact that sinners could be redeemed? That maybe his son, could've been redeemed? Or any of his progeny for that matter? How did it feel when his sons, his progeny, weren't given the same mercy as the Hellborn that Lucifer managed to keep protected through some deal with the angels or god? Not to mention that Charlie could've been his daughter. Charlie is the product of the people who completely and totally destroyed the paradise he'd been born into. She's the daughter who is protected and immune from the slaughter while all of his sons and daughters are judged and killed. I believe, even though he was a dickish prankster to Charlie, he was surprisingly patient and even somewhat amicable, willing to even ask her how her weekend was like he was just trying to get to know her.

Adam could just see all of the angels under his employ as being disposable. He doesn't have to name them, or think about them in any individual fashion. But, he knows Vaggie, recognized her instantly. Thought she was badass. Lute's the one who saw her, tore her wings off, and walked away. I'm surprised they even let her live, because this just goes against everything they're doing. They're an army and they saw one of their own showing empathy to the enemy.

Look at this dumb ass. He's being a shit-head, a dick, a bastard. But, he admires Vaggie's ability to pull Charlie, congratulates her, this dude isn't even judging her for being a lesbian. I don't think it's because he objectifies women, this dude loves women, he just does. He respects fellow vagina lovers. I don't think he respects liars in the slightest though. He's being underhanded, he's trying to be manipulative (he's not very good at it). I think he's brutally open and honest about everything and that's probably one of the reasons he's such a bastard anyways, because sometimes you just need to shut-up and he's not good at that.

I don't think he respects Sera for that either, he's more than willing to let others know what the hell he's doing, but under Sera's lead, he can't be open about it. I don't think it's his jam to act this way, it's why he sucks so bad at it and I think that's why Lilith is so antithetical to him. I also think that's why he's possibly even being manipulated.

It's kind of crazy that Adam is the only one who tries to come up with what allows someone to get into heaven. So here's his list: 1. Act Selfless: Maybe at one point he was! He had to have been, to be one of the progenitors of mankind, he would have had to work, sacrifice, and give to his wife and children for them all to survive. Eve would have had to do the same, no doubt. He may not seem selfless, due to his raunchy behavior, but he's served heaven since he's been there. He's served humanity in some kind of facet. 2. Don't Steal: Considering the only other humans are his spawn, he likely had to try and get them to not steal from one another for them all to have an equal opportunity of survival. He and Eve likely both knew they would need to work together to survive.

3. Stick it to the man: This, however, is interesting. Who is 'The Man' he speaks of? God? The only other people over him or were equal to him were women. He speaks like a rocker, and I think in this case he's using the term 'The Man' in a gender neutral way. I think he allowed some amount of Authority to Lilith when they were supposed to be seen as equals, it comes so naturally to him as a character when it comes to the other women he's been interacting with. I think she is the 'man' that he's been sticking it to- Pun somewhat intended. ((This third one may also simply be a tongue in cheek reference to when Alex Brightman played Dewey in School of Rock on Broadway! Thank you to the user who brought this to my attention!))

Adam is a bit of a hypocrite, isn't he? He likes to fuck, he's made that abundantly clear. Full of lust you could say. It was his original purpose after all, and he is judging Angel Dust for something he probably would've done himself at one point or has considered doing (maybe not the having sex with men part). Angel Dust does all of these things, Adam doesn't even deny it. He even looks nervous. He's angry, but doesn't deny that Angel has done those things. He doesn't explain it away or try to lie or move the goal posts, he's just asking what is an actually very valid question.

Why isn't Angel Dust there if he can do things equal to what Adam himself hasn't done? Serenity continues that line of thought. It isn't until Charlie is realizing no one knows what it takes to get into heaven.

Adam is more than willing to let Lute take the lead here, he's willing to give her the stage to clap back, he's giving her back-up antics. By all means, they could be pushing and fighting one another, there could easily be body language expressing something other than their general comfort around one another. They aren't fighting for a spotlight like you'd expect Adam to try and do considering his egotistical attitude.

Adam fucking sucks at keeping his mouth shut and he sucks at lying. He nearly blew the secret out of the bag once, this time, Sera is the only one who tries to stop him and to be honest? Lute looks a bit too thrilled at it. He knows he fucked up, but he doesn't think it's a big deal that anyone would know. For fucks sake, they've already condemned souls, his progeny, to suffer. What's the big deal if he kills them?

I have to re-iterate what's happening here. Charlie is proud she caused this chaos, that she caused these angels to fight amongst themselves, even if in this case it's a good thing. But, this is like history repeating itself to Adam, the reflection of his ex-wife, entering his domain, causing strife among his people, being happy about it.

And the venom he expresses when it comes to the 'liar' portion, god Alex Brightman destroyed when he got to this portion specifically. There is some vehement disgust in his tone when he says liar.

Adam isn't a good person now. But, I think he used to be a good person. By all means, Adam himself could've been the first murderer when his wife made her mistake. He, at one point in time, had to have been good enough to foster civilization itself with Eve. Both good and bad. Adam's original purpose was to be fruitful and multiply. Ordained by god (or maybe just angels) himself, divine power directed and created him to fuck. He didn't chase his ex-wife down, he was given a new one, Lilith was allowed to leave. When he left things alone, when he tried to move on, his ex-wife and a scorned angel destroyed the paradise he was in with Eve. He had to struggle and toil, he had to feel shame in his own body. He had to find out his first born son was the first murderer. His second son killed. We don't know if this is going to be canon in the story, a lot has changed, and if Adam is the first soul who reached heaven, then what did happen to Abel? Was Abel considered a sinner? Or did Cain kill Abel after Adam had passed? Either way, he had to witness his children kill, he had to watch his descendants behave in a range from saints and monsters. He's seen genocides, he's seen famine, war. Adam is desensitized to the plights of his descendants. Maybe he even saw it as a duty to cleanse the universe of their existence at one point, because they were his responsibility.

At the end of this episode, he is properly scolded by Sera and does seem ashamed of himself. He isn't huffy, he is reminded that he should be ashamed of acting that way.

I love Lute's enthusiasm, she's absolutely brutal when talking about Vaggie and with how she handled Vaggie. I think it's funny that Lute is so brutal she's even made Adam uncomfortable. It's cute that he's made uncomfortable by the excitement and all he does is tell Lute, the premier hype woman over here, to chill. She's so proud of herself too, look at her.

He fully expects these exorcist bad bitches to go in there and fuck shit up. But, you know it's hilarious that he's throwing horns? This dude, this angel. First human soul in heaven, loving rock n' roll, the devil's music, and throwing motherfucking horns. It's poetic really. I think we can probably assume where things are going.

Now, this is the first point we've seen Adam being a real piece of shit to Lute. I don't think Adam likes it when people think he's too dumb to notice something, especially something so damn obvious. This is such a drastic moment of vitriolic, uncontrolled anger directed towards Lute. Adam knows he isn't the brightest tool in the shed. He likely knows he's obtuse and misses shit. It's why he sucks at lying, he knows he's not smart. That is why I think he's afforded women opportunities to direct him without fighting back against their advice and their choices. I'm sure Lilith made it obvious how dumb she thinks Adam is. I'm wondering if this might be where their ground breaking fight might've come from. Who's to say he didn't allow Lilith to take the lead, or listen to her like he's done with Lute here and now? Perhaps to an even greater point? He listened to Eve and ate from the fruit of knowledge and he was punished for it. Being seen as so dumb he can't formulate a simple fact is a sore spot for him.

Adam is incredibly powerful. It took a bit out of him to exercise that power, probably because he's out of practice just like Lucifer said. At one point, he probably wasn't so sloppy and weak willed. He's gotten lazy. Sloth like.

I think it got real personal here. How viscerally and personally he attacked Charlie. No one but Charlie truly thought sinners could be redeemed, or that they were even worth it. Not even one of the original sinners. Maybe he never considered the possibility, maybe what happened really did make him see the world as black and white to cope with that happened to him, his wife, his children. Charlie's desire to fight this idea would destroy the foundation for all of his coping through the years. He stopped seeing them as family, even though he's grandiose about his founding role in humanity. Does that itch the guilt that may lurk under the surface?

I don't think Adam thought much of Charlie at all. I don't think he had any intention of coming to kill her in the beginning, despite seeing her, despite who her parents were. But, I think with the constant push, with how eager she was to disrupt the pre-conceived idea of order, it reminded Adam and reflected her parents so much, he was eager to kill her for revenge against them. I think this electrical interference on the mask is a direct reflection of sin. Namely, wrath, in this moment.

Now, this. THIS. Is something that made me want to write this whole fucking essay. Is Lucifer implying that he not only gave Eve the Fruit from the tree of knowledge, but FUCKED HER TOO? Homies, I'm sorry but holy shit. That is some hydrating tea. I'd be pretty pissed too, fucked over twice by women who were supposed to be literal soul mates, who you were made for, who were made for you?

I knew he would have a goatee, I could almost hear it. I gotta say, I'm a sucker for how he looks. I think he's hot. He is a bastard, but so are a lot of the hot dudes in this show. It's just a theme.

This exact series of lines prompted so many of the thoughts that I had about Adam and why he thinks or acts the way he does. At one point, Adam did have to work himself to the bone and learn to survive from scratch alongside Eve. He isn't entirely without cause to not think that he deserves some respect or recognition from his descendants.

But, that doesn't give him the right to act like god himself. It's... well... Blasphemous. Isn't it? One of the worst sins is to think yourself to be worthy of worship, as if you're a god.

This is the moment that gave me empathy for them both. You could probably see the kind of loving person Adam could have been at one point with how he looks at Lute, even as he's laying there, dying. He's not crying like a bitch, just looking at Lute softly. Lute screaming for him, screaming his name. They cared for each other deeply.

And this... and this.... and this. WHAT DEAL DID YOU MAKE, LILITH? Did you make it with Sera? Did you make it with Adam? Did you make it with Lute? Did you really just want a little 'vacay' away from the hell you helped create? Left her husband, depressed and lonely. Left her daughter without any care or guidance. Maybe Alastor was sent in her place, perhaps? Seven years since he was seen after all, but why wouldn't he show up sooner if Lilith did care? Did she make a deal with Lute and Adam? Did she let Adam smash it so she could stay in heaven? Did Lute let her stay in exchange for getting Adam out of a position of power? Or was it maybe Sera who commissioned Lilith with a deal? Either way, I'm in full belief that it wasn't Adam's idea to move the extermination day up. I think he's a patsy, a scapegoat. I think Lute may have been manipulated, potentially, into manipulating Adam into this position. Was it even really Adam who came up with the idea to do the exterminations? Or was he the one who simply decided to fight originally because he was told heaven was at risk due to Lilith's rising power? The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions. I think it could be any number of these. Either way, Lute certainly does think she had authority over Lilith. Is it Lute just having hubris? Or is Lilith truly bound, just like Alastor, Husk, and Angel Dust?

Of course, now that we know a soul can be redeemed... and we certainly know that angels can fall. I don't think this will be the last we see of Adam.

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel spoilers #adam hazbin hotel #lucifer hazbin hotel #lucifer morningstar #eve hazbin hotel #lilith hazbin hotel #lilith morningstar #character study

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deadsetobsessions · 3 months

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Hera stood, waiting for her turn at last. The Queen of the Greek Pantheon traced the lines of neon green, its light reflecting against her true form in a soothing way. She’s no stranger to patience, to waiting. But there were little of those that had the gall to make her wait, and even smaller of that number that she would tolerate such behavior. Regardless, this was the one being she could not afford to offend and so, she waits. Her many forms, her divine self, perceived the room and compared it to her own halls of residence.

Olympus was much more intricate, carved of noble marble and inlaid with countless of priceless metals and gems and divinity. Twelve seats of power atop an engineering wonder, halls adorned with the brightest of the original flames, an hearth that was roaring at Hesta’s skillful hands.

In comparison, this throne room had been changed much since she was last here. Gone were the spikes of terror and screams of the damned. Now… it looked like the most bare throne room she’d ever bore witness to.

And yet, as she waited for the Boy King, Hera could feel the subtle thrum of impossible power. The new king did not flare his will and might like the previous tyrant, and for that, Hera approved. She has had quite enough of living with and under tyrants who cared only for themselves… and their bed achievements whilst failing spectacularly in their marital roles. Zeus was not a good life partner and Hera regretted ever saying yes to him many times in her immortal life. And yet… she loved him still.

The doors opened, and a small figure floated in, flanked by the previous King’s Knight. Perhaps that is what makes this Boy King so dangerous, Hera thought as she dipped into a bow, because he can turn the loyalest to his side.

“Your Majesty,” she greeted, in ghost speak.

“Heya, Hera!” The Boy King greeted her back, before waving the Knight away. Hera marveled, a bit, at the sheer confidence he had to dismiss his knight in her presence. Even the last king kept the knights around to ensure his power was always in display, always unchallengeable. The Boy King could destroy her with a snap of a finger and he knows it. He knows that she knows it.

“What did you need?” The Boy King asked, grin still on place as he floated to her instead of seating himself on his throne. Hera masked the bit of confusion she felt in pursuit of her goal.

“I have come here to ask of you a favor,” she began. “I am aware that… you are fond of this, the earth in which I reside in?”

Hera carefully picked her word. Everybody knows that the new King Phantom had laid claim to not only the Infinite Realms as is normal of his station, but an entire Earth as his haunt. He had the power to do so, she could finally see, now that she was standing before him. It would not do for Hera to get her strings cut because she claimed what is his.

“Sure. Why?” The Boy King tilted his head, narrowing that predator green upon her true form.

“Do you know of the Justice League, my lord?”

“Phantom’s fine,” he waved a hand. “And yeah, sure do! Why?”

Hera tilted her many forms in acknowledgement of the command. She bowed.

“My daughter, of a sort, is Diana Prince. Wonder Woman. She is… in grave danger. We can not exert our influence over a land that does not have our history. I can not interfere and aid her.”

“Oh, you want me to help her?” His tone was exasperated, and Hera spoke even more carefully in fear of offending him.

“Yes, if it pleases you. And it would be most gracious of you should Your Majesty have time to watch over her. I fear the danger will not leave her so quickly.”

There was a brief period of silence before King Phantom sighed. “And if it does not please me to do so?”

Hera looked up and locked gazes with evaluating green. “Then I am afraid I will be breaking a fair bit of cosmic law, King Phantom.”

He laughed. “Okay, yeah, I’ll check up on Wonder Woman.”

Hera blinked her many eyes, peacock feathers spreading in shock at how easily he allowed her favors. She did not even have to beg.

King Phantom turned to leave before pausing. “Hera, if you need help, just ask. Preferably without beating around the bushes next time. Also, Pandora misses you. You might want to hang around for tea later.”

Hera regarded him with the might of her divinity, which was but hardly a spec of his own kindness. The last one had not had her respect. Fear, yes. But never respect But this one…

“Yes, my King.”

“It’s just Phantom.” He shot back as he left, the Knight returning to his side once more.

Hera transformed into a more mortal form. She had not seen Pandora in a long time, the young woman had made quite an impression on her. Perhaps her old friend could be convinced in helping her punch Zeus and ruin her beloved husband’s day. Hera hummed, the green that used to flicker acidly against her divine form now only soothed. A reflection of its owner.

King Phantom is worthy of her regard.

——

Holy shit, a goddess asked him to check on the Justice League! She was super weird about it and talked in a really old way of speaking, but Danny hadn’t had anything to do for the past few days while entering the zone for his annual check up.

Danny waved away Fright Knight and dived into the portal that would take him directly to the Justice League and Diana!

He floated down from the portal, blinking at group of disheveled and injured superheroes surrounded by a group of demons. Belial?

“King Phantom.” Belial rumbled. Danny waved, not noticing the standstill his presence forced.

“Shite.” The British man cursed, drawing on his magic once more.

“King Phantom?” Diana Prince, Wonder Woman, said quizzically.

“Who?” Batman, Batman! That’s actually Batman, rumbled.

“High King of the Infinite Realms. We’re buggered if he decides to help Belial.”

“Wait, like the god of gods, that King Phantom?” Captain Marvel asked. Ancients, why are all of them electrical based? Danny hates electricity.

Danny floated closer to them, grinning in a friendly way before frowning as they tensed up.

“King Phantom. May I ask why you have graced us with your presence, my King?”

“Hey, Wonder Woman! Your mom asked me to babysit you!” He grinned, sharp and mischievous.

“What…?” The Flash asked, zipping to their side. “Her mom? Queen Hippolyta?”

“No, Hera,” Danny said, and watched Wonder Woman straighten at his words.

“The Goddess Hera.”

“Yep!” Danny rocked back on his suddenly formed legs instead of the whisp of a tail he usually kept in the Zone. He was also still floating. Danny sent a wave of ice and froze the rest of the demons in one fell swoop.

“The rest of you can take care of clean up, yes? Diana has to get some snacks, dinner, and then go to bed.” He pushed gently at Diana’s shoulders, nudging her towards the plane. She went willingly, respectful but amused.

——

Bruce, intellectually knowing that’s a king but only seeing a superhero teenager: *fills out mental adoption paperwork*

——

Hera, a goddess, terrified of misspeaking and dying as a result: he’s so strong even though he’s young omg powerful and could end my immortal existence

Danny, an unserious king: golly gee why is she speaking like a Shakespeare novel

——

Hera, thinking Danny’s gonna be dignified: pls watch over my daughter

Danny, who has a clone he sees as a daughter and therefore has no issues babysitting a grown woman: lol snacks, dinner, bedtime

Diana:… usually I’m on the other spectrum of this but it’s from a higher up so… okay?

——

Danny, terrifying gods and ancients: they’re my friends! The power of friendship!

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yostresswritinggirl · 1 year

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That Loud House

pairings -> Alhaitham x Reader x Kaveh; poly

words -> 2,574 words

An architect, a scribe, and a prodigal drop out walked out of a house. Somehow they all fell in love, even tho they don't look like it when they're outside. (next)

As a local citizen in Sumeru City, you must have heard about that loud house in the higher levels.

Infamous for reasons already in the name, it had become a running gag, transcending the foundation of the structure to its well-known owners.

The loudness of that house wasn't anything new, but the occupants and its most recent addition made the legendary house ever so entertaining than annoying. Their names known far and wide, even touching the desert with gossip.

Out comes Alhaitham, the grand Scribe of the Akademiya holding himself to such high regard as both the lunatic and the savior of all of Sumeru.

Next leaves Kaveh with a bit more pep in his steps, so uncharacteristic of the Master Architect when he's frequently whining about his living conditions and roommate.

And last but never ever least exits you, gently closing and locking the door behind you unlike the first two to leave, rubbing at your eyes as you stumbled through the streets of the city with nothing but muscle memory guiding you.

No one knows how the relationship of that loud house came to be, only that one day, suddenly three people lived there. And those three people loved each other, expressed in some way that none of the Vahumana scholars can ever explain.

How you three came to be is a very... peculiar arrangement that people could only know if they asked. But out of your trio, only Kaveh is the approachable one, and even he didn't know the full story.

The true story of your relationship is privy to only you and Alhaitham, but the man would never entertain gossipers (for the sole reason of wanting them to overthink and hypothesize). And the two had made it very clear that they don't want you to be bothered by such trivial matters.

Foundation

No one would ever believe that Alhaitham started this complicated relationship, but he did. And no one but him and his clever brain would know how long he had planned for this.

"I see you're spacing out again," you pause in your walk as you silently watch the silver-haired Scribe make his way over. "Good morning."

"Good morning, Alhaitham." The scholar easily falls into step with you as you continued your leisurely walk, consciously adjusting your hair when you realized how well-kept next to your sleep-deprived self. "I'm fine, how about you?"

You've known the man even before he became a Scribe, even before he graduated and became your senior. How your closeness came to be is already a blur in your mind, but if there's one thing you're certain of, he at least enjoys your company.

You've bonded over collaborations for research before and after he graduated. Perhaps that's what draws him to you, he always liked and supported your ideas as much as he can even when no one does. Sadly, his work and your problems kept your interactions scarce.

"Wrong, it is actually already afternoon. Clearly, you are not fine and you can't deny it now." Oh my - you gently, slowly put your palm to your face, already so done with his antics for today.

It looks like you have a lot to catch up on since the last you talked. And Alhaitham, ever so smart, caught on with the impending long talk who proceeded to guide you to the tables outside Djafar Tavern.

When Eymen came over to take your orders, Alhaitham instead ordered for the two of you when you were about to refuse the service. Right, he's a rich guy now.

"How's your research been?" And at the sight of your sour face, he connected the dots almost immediately. "Same old?"

"Same old Akademiya. They won't fund anything that's not useful or groundbreaking, and I really liked this topic, too." And at his urging nods, you went on a tangent of the curiosities you've been hooked on for a while now, another idea he approves. "I don't understand why they are so heavily guarded with research regarding the history of the desert. I just want to learn more."

"Then leave the Akademiya." Stabbing into the Tandoori Roast Chicken a little too harshly, you looked at him with wide, incredulous eyes. "What? If the Akademiya is restricting you then you can continue your research without their laws applying to you."

Lunatic. That's just like him. Looking at you innocently with a raised brow as if he didn't just say something so out of pocket.

"You know I can't do that."

"Why not?" Bingo! That hesitant side glance confirmed his hypothesis easily, there's more than just the Akademiya that's putting circles under your eyes. Even as you occupied yourself with chewing the chicken, he kept his eyes on you like a hawk.

You sighed. "Research is my only income, unlike you, Scribe." He must be paid really well for his position, after all. "Rent in the City is also rising, I have to pay that next week, too. I'm so tired."

What is up with the people his close to and financial problems? He shakes his head. "Then drop out of the Akademiya and live with me." Unfortunately, this time he didn't care that you had chicken in your mouth. He continued while you're busy coughing your lungs out. "With my income, I'm more than glad to support your research. With this arrangement, you can focus on what you want and your health as we-"

HUH?! "Shu - fu - shut, shut up for a second." Eymen quickly came to your aid with a glass of water after seeing the commotion, but as he was about to pat your back, a stern look from your friend(?) made him think twice. "Do you even know what you're saying?"

"Yes. It's quite simple really," Alhaitham sat up straighter on his seat and uncrossed his arms. "I'll be your research support, I can even help you on them if need be, and living under my roof will remove you of financial burden.

"Deal." Eymen let out a loud 'huh?!' as he looks at you like you have a fungus head. "And I assume that you want something out of this, too?"

Nodding approvingly of your perceptive thinking, his next words both had you and Eymen reeling. "In exchange, date me and Kaveh."

... On second thought, it's not just you and Alhaitham that knows the true story.

But no one ever believes Eymen the bartender.

Surveying

Apparently, they were not in a relationship. Apparently, Kaveh doesn't even know about the terms and conditions of what transpired that day.

"Oh! Fancy meeting you here!" With the context, you awkwardly reciprocated the hug the architect greeted you with.

"You two know each other?" Alhaitham emerged from the guest room were your bags and items will be making home until this arrangement is over.

Kaveh, your Kshahrewar senior raised to the power of 2 was someone you had also collaborated with beforehand. Learning about the different periods Sumeru went through, as well as the civilizations of the other regions, the architect thought it was common sense to ask you for building inspirations.

The architecture was a part of your studies, right? Perhaps by seeing the different buildings all over Teyvat, he could infer his own design for his plates. You remember working on it for two days straight because you didn't want to disappoint him with a half-baked result, not when such a household name depended on you, a no name researcher.

"Well, that makes things easier then. They are staying with us from now on."

"They are?" The blond turns to you. "You are?!" You nod. "Oh, an angel descends from the skies to preserve my sanity in this house!"

You shake the hand offered to you, his smile brightening up more. "Let's get along, shall we?"

And get along you did. To be fair, it wasn't really that hard knowing Kaveh is Kaveh, and Alhaitham as his point of reference makes everyone look like saints.

However, being in the middle of these two also guarantees you to always be in the middle of their notorious arguing, even after you all settled into a genuine relationship.

"It's called a passion project, what is so hard to understand about that? Then again, knowing you, it wouldn't be too far fetched." Closing your eyes, the taste of the freshly cooked baklava became more apparent to your taste buds.

"It's not about whether this project is so important to you, it's the fact that it is missing a crucial factor: feasibility." Pulling the mug in your left hand, you washed down the sweetness of the pastry with slightly bitter coffee.

"What do you know about architecture to tell if it's feasible or not? You took one look at my plates and think you know better." Gulping your food, you let out a silent yawn as you tried to blink the sleepiness away.

"One look at it and I can see that you've put zero thought to the prices of the materials." What time is it? Maybe you can get some last minute nap before heading out.

"Why you -" Before you can register their morning argument subsiding, the feeling of hands on yours and your cheek jolted you awake.

"Why are you dozing off? Did you not sleep enough tonight?" As Alhaitham takes away the mug in your hand, Kaveh proceeds to wipe the pastry crumbs around your lips. Shaking your head, your blond lover moves to stand behind your chair.

"You told us you have an important errand today, you're gonna be late!" Then he starts to brush your hair back to style it as usual. Prying an eye open, you see a glimpse of Alhaitham cleaning up the table, as well as a hint of a subtle smile when his gaze caught sight of you and Kaveh.

Of course, if there's one thing that Kaveh and Alhaitham can agree on, it's their love for you. And that's honestly enough for them.

Structuring

Alhaitham viewed you as his responsibility in this symbiotic relationship, and when the time came that Kaveh settled into the arrangement, taking care of you became easier.

While it's not apparent, the Scribe hated seeing you stressed or down especially when you're susceptible to it than normal.

Things such as bills, needs, funding, rejected thesis can greatly affect your mental health greatly. And that in turn messes with the functionality of your brain, the same brain that he greatly adores. So with lesser jargon Alhaitham entrusted this information to Kaveh so that they both can look out for you when the other isn't there.

Unlike Alhaitham however, Kaveh's less used to your antics.

A shrill scream that can definitely be heard past the walls of the house made him jump and trip out of his bed, stumbling out of his room as he made a mad dash towards the room where the scream came from.

"(Y/N)?! What's wrong?!" Oh gosh, did you get hurt? Did someone break in?! Alhaitham is going to kill him for real this time!

Turning around from your spot in the middle of the living room, you pulled your hands out of your messy hair at the sight of your blond architect. "Kaveh? Oh shoot, I'm sorry did I wake you?" You thought you were alone in the house.

Shaking his head, his hands land on your shoulders to look for any signs of injuries. But no, based on the messiness of your hair, it seems more like an internal turmoil. "I heard your scream, tell me what's wrong, dear."

"Sorry, sorry, I was just really frustrated -" He needs to get you to clear your mind then, like what Alhaitham instructed- "Because of this stupid DIY miniature set."

"What?" Looking past you to the coffee table, there was the evidence of your frustrations. Cloth and wooden panels strewn about, and a mess of papers either discarded or needed littered the carpeted floor. "Why are you working on a DIY miniature house? Is that a house?"

"To destress." You raise your hands up in defense when Kaveh sent you a deadpan. "I think it's a Mondstadt style house."

"Why didn't you ask me to help then?" Forgetting his initial plan, he went on to seat on the floor and caught sight of the instructions page. Occupied with the interesting structure, you curiously sat next to him as he looked at the pieces. "I'm an architect, this is my forte!"

But... you're the one that's... trying to destress?

When Alhaitham came home, the house was suspiciously quiet despite having the lights open. Did one of you leave the main floor lights on by accident? Hanging his cape by the door, walking further into his shared home finally gave him the answer.

Cut up paper and trimmed fake plants scattered the area together with various small tools that he carefully picked up before anyone could step on it. There is a small model of what seems to be Mondstadt structure in the middle of the mess that could easily fit in his palm.

"This is what you two did the whole time?" But he expected the lack of response.

After all, as he turns towards the couch, there Kaveh laid stretched over the entire length of the long seat with his arm shielding his closed eyes. And there you lay on top, basically faceplanting the architect's chest.

Alhaitham could see the dried up clear glue on the tips of your fingertips.

His attention averts back to the miniature house. And that's when he sees it. Leaning down, the Scribe plucks up a copper wire with tiny bulbs jutting out here and there, with a switch at one end.

Oh. You two must have forgotten to add the wiring before assembling the piece and slept the frustration away.

Chuckling to himself, the man crossed his legs as he sat, picking up the discarded tweezer and glue. What would you two do without him really?

You were startled out of your shopping trip at the sound of someone screaming your name, followed by a person you've never met writing over to you. A mahamata personnel?

"We're sorry to bother you but Mr. Alhaitham and Kaveh -" Of course, it's about them.

It was a fallacy that everyone keeps committing at this point, believed in assumptions without evidence, but you followed the man to the destination to Treasures Street.

And when you stood in between the two quarreling scoundrels you call your lovers, the man who was hoping you'd stop the disturbance on peace looked confused. Of course he was.

After all, the arguments are part of the charm. Just because you came into the picture doesn't mean they'll stop in your presence, no, that's not your function in this relationship. However -

"I made progress."

"You did?! Thank goodness, I was worried you'll have to wait another day for dusk!" Kaveh flipped like a switch at the good news, eagerly suggesting to eat out for the occassion.

"Did you write it down? I wish to compare notes with my own hypothesis back home once we're done. When's the last time you hydrated?"

The public watched in confusion as the trio of lovers left the scene towards Lambad's Tavern, the argument turning into a conversation of jargons and lexicon that they can't follow.

It's always so eventful seeing the occupants of that loud house when they're together.

They just wish things were a little quieter.

Finally, the lesser organized poly series counterpart of CtM is here. Should have stuck to the headcanons format honestly but at least I know this isn't gonna be a one off thing lol

@ireallylikehamsters

#genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader #kaveh x reader #alhaitham x reader #al haitham x reader #genshin impact fluff #gender neutral #exile.flower #poly kavetham #sumeru arc

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ma1dita · 8 months

Text

liar, liar

part two cn be found here-> truth be told

words: little under 2k

summary: sirius black is a good liar. spot how many times sirius lies in this fic.

warnings: slight nondescript smut!! errr cursing & another self-deprecating marauder, mostly unrequited love/being led on, sirius’s trauma response, fem!reader is too good for sirius, fem!reader has ‘i can fix him’ complex

a/n: guys… i thought of this prompt and the necklace Alex Russo wore in WoWP and suddenly, complex by katie gregson-macleod started playing so…sorry if this gets sadder.

(posted 9/8/23 & edited 11/6/23)

—

At the very core of him, Sirius Black is a liar.

It’s not directly his fault, but a subliminal result of the loveless household he grew up in. Lies roll off his experienced tongue more naturally than when he’s ever tried to say I love you. So he’s convinced himself that it’s easier to live life this way, without love. If love ever fell into his hands, he’s not quite sure what he’d do with it.

If Sirius Black could be defined, he thinks it would lack the word love and instead encompass a lot of his anger. Fiery, palpable anger, deep set in his core. That’s what he is. There are a lot of things to be angry about in this life, after all.

—

You’re 16 and this birthday party might’ve been your best idea yet. Your friends are dotted around your dorm room, along with some people you’ve invited from your classes. Among the forming crowd, you spot one Sirius Black. You don’t talk much outside of being Potions partners, and you get by with smiles in the halls and friendly touches. He’s looking at you from across the room like he knows you intimately, but that is far from the truth. Sirius Black is an enigma if anything, but what’s more unusual to you even after three shots of firewhiskey is the fact that he doesn't have any of his friends in tow. He meanders around the open space before circling back towards your direction as if that wasn’t his plan in the first place.

“Trouble in paradise?” you joke, gesturing to the space his posse would usually occupy behind him. He scoffs, avoiding the question, giving you a proper kiss on the cheek instead as he loops his arms around your waist. It piques your interest; you’ve always loved a challenge.

“Happy birthday, gorgeous.”

Sirius is handing you a small jewelry box, and you look at him dumbfounded. You’re barely even friends.

“You didn’t have to get me anything, Black. I just called you over to get drunk with me and my mates.” You giggle, cheeks red from the alcohol.

It’s a necklace. A magical, really expensive one. Sirius is gauging your reaction, scratching the back of his neck. It’s easy to put a price to something rather than show you all of his cards.

“Well, aren't I special? This is too much, Black. I shouldn’t…” Your soft hands are pushing the box into his impenetrable wall of a chest as you shake your head in disbelief. No one’s ever gotten you something this nice or expensive before. You wonder if he does this to all the other girls that fawn over him.

“It’s nothing. I insist. You keep me distracted in Slughorn’s class and for that, you get a prize just as pretty as you.” He’s holding your wrists now, rubbing them casually like this isn’t the most intimate encounter you’ve had with him yet. Somehow you can sense that he needs this more than you do. To be needed. He doesn’t want to tell you that you’re the only one making him smile nowadays since his friends haven’t talked to him in weeks. You indulge in this behavior, because it’s new and exciting, and who would say no to Sirius Black?

The party ends much later after you tease him until his wit’s end, and then it’s your whispered approval that moves him to move his body over yours, the rest of your clothes quickly flying off in his pursuit to become a part of you. Physically and metaphorically, his being overtakes you quickly. Deep into the night, when he’s fucking you into your mattress, the necklace he gave you swings back and forth against your chest with every thrust of his hips, every bump of the headboard against the wall thumping the final nails into the coffin. You can’t help but feel special as he lays kisses on your spine. You know this isn’t intimacy in Sirius’ world though. This isn’t love, it’s bodies yearning for connection, to find something meaningful. To string the words to define how to pass the time. You hope he finds what he’s looking for between your sheets and as he breathes into your hair.

Sirius is angry at the world and he’s chosen you to be his target. What color on your necklace can define the fact you wanted him to fuck you brainless anyways? What can accurately portray the shaking of his hands as he slaps the fat of your thighs? Both of you don’t remember, but all he knows is your naked bosom is glowing amber as you pant, and it looks and feels like you’re on fire. Lust has a way of consuming the body, both of you moving until you cannot anymore, anatomy animated by the need for touch.

He needed this, a distraction. And you just wanted a crazy story to tell. You keep note of the fact that Sirius likes it when you moan his name, and he makes it his mission for you to scream the name he grew up hating because it sounds pretty coming from your mouth. Because here in this room, it means something other than disappointment.

“Oh my god, baby, right there!”

“Don’t call me that. I’m not your baby.” he pants, pulling your hair roughly as he jackhammers into you. No pet names or endearments are allowed. Just Sirius, and he’ll correct you if you get it wrong. By the end of it, you’re slurring your words and screaming nonsense anyway. You think nothing of it.

He wants you as much as you’ll have him, which, when you’re 16, you think can be made a priority just to keep his eyes on you. Everyone wants a piece of Sirius Orion Black. And your hands are stretched out in hopes of partaking in this transaction of physicality and sin. Weeks later, after you seemingly fall asleep in the boys’ dorm, James asks Sirius if you’re his girlfriend. “She’s…alright,” he mumbles into the air. They’ve finally forgiven him for The Prank after your urges to get Sirius to swallow his ego. He never got to thank you for it. Gratitudes and endearments were a rarity at Grimmauld Place.

Peter whispers in the dark of their dorm and asks Sirius if he could ever fall in love with you. With your eyes closed and your head lying against his chest, you feel him shrug as he traces a hickey he left on your collarbone. What is love to Sirius Black? He’s looking at your chest glow red, and his hand clutches the pendant in his fist, trying to dim its light. You go to sleep instead. The incandescent glow of the pendant seeps beneath your eyelids.

—

You’re 19 and sometimes you wonder if it’d be easier to be dead. Good days are a relief for all to have, presenting themselves as scarce and far apart in your new normal. There’s a war going on and you think it’s criminal to consider yourself adult enough to fight in it, but you and your friends–and your boyfriend do. You sleep in Sirius’ apartment more than your own now, but he never calls you his girlfriend, he just calls you his, and you convince yourself to not worry so much about it because death itself is coming for everyone you know. You’re together, and that’s what matters, right? There are bigger problems at hand.

Between Auror missions, Sirius has a bad habit of picking fights with you in front of your friends, which now include his friends. A lot of you comes from him, which you don’t resent. They’re lovely, but they see through the struggle. They know him too well, and you go to every gathering with an inkling that they know how mean Sirius can truly be. Old habits die hard. Tonight he yells at you because you won’t let him get a fifth beer.

“Always thinking you know better than me, (Y/N). You’re not my fucking wife, so I don’t need to listen to you! No one wants to hang around a killjoy.”

He wrenches his grip from your thigh, nearly toppling your chair over to stomp over to the bar himself. Everyone stares at you, waiting for you to react before they judge. Before they defend their friend. His behavior has been erratic lately with his world crumbling as he knows it. But then again, Sirius has never known life without chaos.

“I know it’s not… ideal. But he’s a good guy. We’re all just going through shit right now. His brother’s missing, so I’m there when he needs me.” Which is always, you omit from your response. You don’t mind being needed though. Helping him fight his demons is a part of being in a relationship with someone so damaged. You bring him light when his mind darkens. That is not transactional. It’s something deeper, though the words dissipate before either of you can utter it at night.

Lily reaches over the table to hold your hand, with Remus pulling his arm around the back of your chair, and rubbing your shoulder. Your chest is still glowing red, your love for him triumphing over any embarrassment he’s caused you. How you feel has always been clear, evident on your chest. What a weakness to have, to lay yourself bare to him and you wonder if Sirius did it on purpose.

He gets piss drunk as you expected and you have to side-apparate him home while you insist to everyone else that they should stay and have fun. They’re not as easily convinced, but you bid them farewell anyway. You get to the apartment and Sirius mumbles a ‘thank you’ as you help him take his clothes off and you gently tuck him under the covers, kissing him goodnight. Small moments like these are tender. They say more than anything you could put into words.

Moments later, you pretend to not hear Sirius cry, but his chest is heaving and the sound coming from his throat is so gut-wrenching that you lift yourself out from under him where he was weeping into your shoulder. In the dark, your eyes adjust to find his face in the moonlight.

“Sirius?” you breathe, fingers ghosting over the tears on his face.

“He’s dead.” he whimpers. You’ve never seen Sirius Black let himself be vulnerable like this. Not to the Marauders, and especially not to you. There’s no carnal aspect in sorrow, though it leaves one gutted, worn down to the bone.

“My baby brother is dead, and no one knows. I don’t even have a body to mourn over.”

He chokes back a sob, and you let his arms shroud your body, leaving the red glow of your pendant trapped between both of your ribs. You hope some of the light and some of your love seeps into him. You have plenty to give, and it’s all his for the taking, if only he’d let you.

Sirius falls asleep hours later, and you’re pinned to the bed underneath him. There’s a crick in your trapezius that you try to ignore as you stroke his hair. Maybe in his dreamless state he can find peace. You close your eyes and wonder if Regulus has found solace in death. Maybe it would feel something like this.

—

You’re 21 and most of your good friends are dead or in hiding. It’s the night before Halloween, but there’s not a lot to celebrate if real life is much scarier now.

Over the years, Sirius and you have come to an understanding. He’s flawed, with a viciously large ego and oftentimes he’s mean when he doesn’t know how to react. But he’s human. He tries now, more than ever to quell the anger born in the Black name. He tries to be gentle, though the instinct to hurt is in his blood. You’re patient, and resilient enough to take the blows, knowing what you feel is deeper than his anger, often revealing itself as his darkest fears. You like him ‘because’ and love him ‘despite’. Your cue to comfort him is usually right before he gets the look on his face that tells you he’ll say something knowing it’ll make you cry. You’ve always loved him, but now you know why. Sirius wonders every day how you’re still with him. He’s a runner, but since the day you’ve met him, you haven’t quite let go of his hand.

Usually instead of an apology, he’ll usually fuck you to oblivion, making sure your legs shake and your brain is jumbled enough to not talk about the hurt he causes you. He strokes the fire in you, and the feeling of anger that continually wracks his being can only be satiated by your touch. His skin on yours is the best place to be, but maybe there’s a part of you that likes the hurt, his anger. It's almost passionate, the only emotion he knows how to express well. You love him in a way that only you can, despite all of that. But it all blurs when he kisses you, consumes you. You especially like it when he pulls your hair.

You shriek as you come down from a release, hands rubbing the expanse of his chest. His thrusts slow as he grapples with reality, pawing at your breasts. Your hips milk him for his worth, and he groans lowly.

“You’re too good to me, wife. You’re all mine.”

Your ministrations come to a stop as you look down at him, pendant hanging between your faces. Nicknames were a growing commodity lately.

“Wife, huh…”

The air is heavy between you two, still connected as one while you wait for his response. Let him take the lead, as it’s the role he’s more accustomed to.

“If that’s okay.” he breathes, not knowing what to do with his hands. Love has fallen into his hands, and her physical form is sitting in his lap. His grip eases as he accepts you wholly.

“Maybe someday soon.”

A slow smile stretches across your face.

“Ask me properly and I’ll consider.” But the glow of your necklace is more vibrant now, and you two both know your answer as he grabs your waist and pulls you down for another round.

Sirius tries to sneak out of bed in the early morning as you doze off. You wake, rubbing the sleep from your eyes, bare feet padding across your shared apartment in search of him until you see him dressed in the kitchen and holding a letter.

“I have to go… deal with some business,” he mutters, not stepping away from the window nor sparing you a glance. Lying to someone he loves is harder than he thought it would be.

“Honey, what’s wrong?” You’re standing in the doorway wearing his shirt and his boxers. He likes it when you say his name. You could call him anything you want and he’d come running.

“James and Lily, they’re in trouble. I’ll be back by morning.”

You turn to grab your wand, planning to go with him, but he’s suddenly grabbing your arm and pulling you into a kiss, stopping your advances. He has something to lose now. You’re his, and he’ll be damned to let you follow him blindly into danger.

“You have to stay here. Everything will be okay,” he says, holding your chin. The lie sits heavy on his tongue. Maybe if he focuses he’ll see the rose-tinted hue of your irises every time he shuts his eyes.

“You’re scaring me...” You look at him in apprehension, his movements erratic and you wonder if he’s cracked and needs an exorcism. Then your heart is thundering in your chest and the red glow turns ice blue. A new feeling has taken a larger form than your love, and its fear. Briefly, you wonder how Sirius lives on edge like this. Something is dangerously wrong. He looks into your eyes, and then the cold glow on your chest. He takes a slow step back away from you, looking almost apologetic.

“Sirius Black, don’t you fucking dare.”

“I love you.”

He’s apparated and long gone before you register what he said. It sounded unfamiliar coming from his mouth, but you weren’t surprised. It was something you’ve always known. You just didn’t think that hearing it would hurt this badly.

—

The doors of the dreary prison cell screech shut in Azkaban. Visiting hours are over, and Sirius hadn’t left his space the whole two hours you waited outside in hopes of seeing him.

Tossing the lunch you packed into the bin as you push through the exit door for the last time, you think that killing him would’ve been easier than this, but he is not the victim in this story. You at least hope he got your package, as you think that maybe you could find a different adventure now, one that doesn’t involve having your feelings splayed across your chest for a murderer to come in and kill you dead. What a fool, to know someone so intimately, so innately, and for him to be a killer.

The envelope is slid under his cell door, and he opens it slowly. The necklace. Sirius sighs, and he wonders if you’ll finally let him go. It’s what you deserve anyway, now that he’ll rot in here for the rest of his life for a crime he didn’t commit. He’s hurt you enough that even if he did tell you everything, there’s a chance you wouldn’t believe him. No one does, after all. The cool silver of the chain makes goosebumps rise on the back of his neck as he slips it on. Red.

With all the time in the world to think, he realizes that he can easily be defined by the sound of your voice calling his name. He’s called many things now besides a liar; a murderer, a deranged madman, a traitor. The only definition of himself he prefers now is one where he is described to be loving you. There are a lot of things to love about you, after all. He spends days, weeks, months, years, keeping track. He finds new ones every time he closes his eyes.

But Sirius Black is first and foremost a liar, and if there’s anything he’s sure of, is that he’s damn good at it.

—

“You say you love rain

but you open your umbrella.

You say you love the sun

but you find a shadow spot.

You say you love wind

but you close your windows.

This is why I am afraid

when you say you love me.”

William Shakespeare

love me some tunes! i listened to this while writing: complex by katie gregson-macleod

taglist: @jsjcue

#sirius black x reader #marauders x reader #sirius black x reader angst #sirius black x reader smut #sirius black x y/n #sirius black x you #marauders era #made by ma1dita ♥︎#Spotify

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charmixpower · 8 months

Note

what are your hc's when it comes to the specialists hobbies? (+Nabu)

i'm kinda sad we don't really know a lot about them.

YEAH!!! Or if we know their hobbies, WE NEVER GET TO SEE THEM ENJOY THEM??? Unless ur Helia. Pretty people privilege

Sky

Listen, I need you to look at Erendor and Samara and tell me if Sky has a life or any real time for hobbies. The answer is no he does not

Listen dragon equestrian is a thing that exists in the magic dimension and he loves it do not argue with me this man loves it. Riding a dragon and doing tricks, what more could you want out of a sport???

He also spends so much time teaching Lady tricks you'd think he was entering her into a competition. He's not, he is simply having fun

Sky really likes running, and walking. With or without Lady, he is content to run around with this thoughts. It's his favorite form of exercise

I think Sky would enjoy at least some of the royalty approved activities pushed on him, like riding horses and dragons obviously, but also dancing. (Though he would hate learning how to play an instrument or something that required sitting without movement)

I think he'd like the fake duel's and mock battles like fencing over real combat but that's just my version of Sky that lives in my head talking

I don't think Sky is really snobby about anything that isn't tea. Does he argue with other people about which tea tastes the best? Maybe. It's like part because he and Diaspro have opposite tastes in tea and they will argue about anything, part because tea was the only meal he wasn't being hovered over because it's supposed to be a bit more informal than a real meal, half because magix doesn't have all that good tea options

Brandon

He suffers from has no life syndrome too but worse actually bc he's had a government job at 17!!!

Does crafting and maintaining an Instagram presence count as a hobby? I mean I do this as a hobby so I'm gonna say it counts. Making thinking your hot into a hobby, I wish I were him

I have no clue if Brandon genuinely enjoys weightlifting or gymnastics or if he does it because it's literally required of him but I DO think he'd enjoy exercise in general. Like?? He's getting hotter, better able to handle situations, AND it makes him feel great. 10/10 he loves it

I think Brandon would enjoy calligraphy. I have like multiple friends who are on their handwriting bullshit and Brandon would absolutely be one of these people. He'd write exclusively in fancy capital letters while pretending to be Sky, but he also like genuinely knows calligraphy and enjoys it. No one knows cept Sky until Stella wants to write something formally and he writes it for her

Brandon is way too chill of a person, and while I think he's like naturally good at controlling his emotions I also think he does SOMETHING for mindfulness. Reads self help books, does meditation, something that helps him stay so fucking chill all the time

On that topic I also think Brandon likes psychology, like the "why do people act the way they do?" side. Just a little bit, he gets along with way too many insane people to not have at least a little idea

Timmy

He's the least interesting specialist to me in canon so he's where I'm on my bullshit. Listen man we don't need TWO computer wizs, we can have one computer genius and an engineering nerd. For the sake of everyone around Tecna not being the exact same as her AND for my enrichment

Timmy is obsessed with their air crafts. He can talk for HOURS about types of planes, the Owl assigned to their squad is literally his fucking baby and Riven is NOT allowed to pilot it EVER. He lost his mind just a little bit when he's got to pilot a Hawk with Helia, he was so excited. This is definitely his main hobby and why he's in the RF air force track instead of the engineering track, he WILL fly and nothing will stop him

If Legos exist in the magical dimension he's obsessed with them and makes the most insane builds and you know I'm right

Riven absolutely gets Timmy into lock picking. Lock picking is just a logic puzzle that also has a real life application and they spend so much time trying to pick difficult locks when they need a no think thing to do

And speed running, all the specialists have a tendency to just watch him play a video game stupid fast and it's group bonding

Shooting is a sport and one that Timmy enjoys immensely

Riven

Reading. No I'm so serious he's the character shown holding a book the most often. This man reads. Tbh he's probably reading about types of magical animals that specialists are called in to deal with, and their behaviors. That and like lists of forgeable plants

Riven also sews and makes his own clothes! Like it's a restoration thing but also Riven just likes fashion and has very specific ideas for clothes so he just makes them himself.

Riven is the most passionate about sword play and combat. Like it's genuinely fun for him, I think if everyone was set loose they'd drift away from being in the military except Riven. This is his passion. Survivalist stuff is also a huge passion of his. It's his concentration at RF I will never shut up about that hc. His dream job is dealing with magical animal threats in the wilderness, everyone thinks he's just a little insane

That and podcasts. Oh my god the podcasts Riven would have listened to in middle school, cringe worthy, they're EXACTLY what your thinking and it's terrible. Thankfully he listens to calming podcasts and like educational podcasts now, and the occasional true crime one

I'm not sure if lock picking is a hobby for him or if it's just something he HAD to learn, but he takes a lot of pride in it so I'm assuming it's a hobby. Riven likes logic puzzles and that's what lock picking is

Does Riven have an interest in photography or did he print off pictures from Musa's Instagram, the world may never know

Helia

We know the most about his hobbies. Painting, origami, and poetry. Helia is well and truly vibing, and by that I mean I bet you he spends hours agonizing about every detail <3

He probably also has a bullet journal, it's the vibes, do you understand where I'm coming from?

I think Helia would be super into general DIY in every area and at one point he gets Timmy into helping refurbish a chair he found, sometimes he just wants to work on something and that something is a chair he picked up off the curb

Helia definitely picked up how to use his string gloves for fun and to have a body active hobby and he loves it? I think Helia would really enjoy doing things that challenge him and he has the most esoteric weapon so it fits

I also think Helia's glove string weapon is as much of a weapon as it can be used for string art? I think he'd like string art

Helia can parkour and that's on wanting to get the PERFECT angle for his reference piece and know he's 40 ft in the air, Saladin slowly lost his mind when he adopted Helia after his parents died because the kid would not stop climbing on RF

Helia is also a chronic people watcher. At least 70% time when he's people watching he's also drawing them but sometimes he's too tired for that XD

Nabu

Learning about his hyper fixation magic. Listen this man will DEMOLISH a library in a week to learn about the intricacies of runic magic, he is vibrating in his shoes

Okay I know Timmy is the one who you'd assume would like this the most, but I think if you put a ttrpg in front of Nabu he'd fucking love it??? He would either spend 2 million hours world building as the DM or get way into role playing

I think Nabu spends a lot more time fucking around and having fun with his magic than most magic users. Like learning how to make small intricate beautiful things with his magic. I definitely think there would be an art form based around magic that Nabu would be super into that

Nabu absolutely is a history buff too. Like knows about ancient techniques for making things off the top of his head can list most major developments in each century when prompted history buff and I love him

He probably also has a rock collection, this man is autistic and we have rock collections. Sometimes the rocks are magically and that's always exciting

Nabu and Flora spending hours researching a random ass specific phenomenon and having the time of their lives

#winx club #rus chatters #winx headcanons #winx club headcanons #winx sky #winx brandon #winx timmy #winx riven #winx helia #winx nabu #winx specialists

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axel-ambassador · 4 months

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Reasons why Axel is best girl

Her name and design is absolute peak

This was a promo photo. The combat boots, the camo pants, the asymmetrical piercings, the camo paint and absolute feral energy in this photo.

There's a reason why she had so much hype before we even knew her personality. She exudes absolute girlboss energy and leaks with potential.

Her voice is incredible

Something about her dialect tickles my brain. Just listen to her speak especially in S2 E3 and you'll see what I mean. Her VA does an incredible job.

She's incredibly compassionate believe it or not

Her boot episode in S1 starts with her getting breakfast in the woods. She could have made food for just herself but took the time to find and cook food for the rest of her team.

S2 E2 consists of her helping her struggling teammates several times. Zee when he's taken too many hits and Damien after going through the 4 point tube.

You may think she does it out of necessity, but anybody could have gone and saved Damien, Priya especially. She's quick to inform them he needs medical attention.

She even admits that despite winning she doesn't approve of what Millie did. This is coming from the same girl that kicked a teammate overboard in the season prior. She genuinely cares about her team.

She's not very fond of Ripper, yet when she accidentally punches him in the face, she is quick to help him up and fix his broken nose. Her voice is incredibly soft as she helps him as well.

The way she handles Ripper's initial confession really sticks out to me. She doesn't lash out or mock him for having a crush, she calmly admits to being uncomfortable and gently tells him she doesn't feels the same.

She even apologizes. There's no need to apologize for not returning romantic feelings for someone. They're not entitled to your love. But she apologizes anyways despite Ripper never asking for one, because she knows that she hurt him and wanted to reject him as nicely and possible.

She recognizes Rippers development and sees how he's willing to better himself for her. He took the time to learn one of her hobbies for her and she realizes and truly appreciates that. She rewards his efforts by kissing him.

She loves Ripper for who he is despite his imperfections. She finds his stupidity to be attractive, and he's a bit insecure when it comes to impressing her, so she's quick to reassure him that she does in fact love him after insulting him and knocking him off their canoe.

There's these little blink and you'll miss it moments in the finale where when Ripper is getting hurt she's not too pleased and is there to comfort him.

Her confidence is unmatched

From the very beginning she's very sure of herself and her abilities. Her first line is her boasting about her survival abilities and how she's not afraid and how people should fear her instead.

She doesn't doubt her decisions. She kicks Ripper overboard in S1 and doesn't ever regret it, not even after she's been voted off because of it.

In S2 E3 she does a flip over a stump just because she can. Her only solo confessional is her bragging about how she was born for this challenge. She's fully confident in her skills and for good reason.

S2 E4 has a lot of these moments where she's so sure of herself not as a survivalist but also as a person. She was voted "most likely to make you regret stuff" in survival camp. She's not ashamed of that fact, she sounds almost proud.

When her love of poetry is revealed, she's not embarrassed, she sounds happy to be able to reveal that fact about herself. She knows that it's an interest not expected of someone like her, and she doesn't care.

She kisses a man on live TV despite being incredibly embarrassed and near uncomfortable with being put on the spot.

She doesn't change herself for Ripper. She is so sure of herself and she knows Ripper loves her for who she is. She's not embarrassed to show her love for him, and she's not afraid to still be her authentic self.

She takes bullshit from no one

When she stops Ripper from wasting his time and energy in the beginning, he lashes out. How does she respond? She growls at him. She's not gonna let some guy yell at her when she's trying to help.

Ripper refuses to have her lead the team despite majority ruling for her to be captain, so what does she do? She kicks him overboard for mutiny and refusing to cooperate.

Ripper taunts her for getting booted by waving his marshmallow in her face. She's already pissed, so she bites his hand and eats his own marshmallow straight from his hand. What a queen.

Ripper calls her and her team nerds in S2 E2 and she immediately snaps at him and intimidates him for his disrespect.

S2 E3 is when she and Ripper get stuck butt to butt, and it does slow her down a lot, but she ends up being in the pack getting carried by Caleb regardless. She's not really responsible for her teams loss. So when Chef puts her on the list of people on the chopping block, she immediately shuts him down because of how stupid that is.

Her split second Yuri moment with Emma consists of her intimidating her not to mess up the challenge. Emma does mess up, Axel falls, and Axel votes her off.

Her team loses for the 3rd time in a row by E5 and of course Chris relishes in their failures and rubs it in their faces. Axel is a blunt and honest person, but here she resorts to sarcasm because that's how done she is with his shit.

She's literally about to be eaten by a shark and she just turns and yells at it to back off, icon.

#total drama #total drama 2023 #tdi 2023 #total drama island 2023 #td axel #total drama axel #taylor rambles #ripaxel #axeripper #Let me know if I missed something

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captainjunglegym · 2 months

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WIP WEDNESDAY - 13/03/2024

Tagged by jon @bigassbowlingballhead love u pal <3

I am on somewhat of a short writing sabbatical I tell myself. I've posted nearly 75,000 words in six weeks which is a lot for me. So I'm taking this week to relax from my WIPs before starting to post scheduled oneshots and start a new chaptered fic.

That being said i wrote a 1500 word fic this morning which you can just have here lmao.

Summary:

Exes Alex and Henry meet at the funeral of Henry's twin George who was killed suddenly aged only thirty-five. They haven't seen each other in four years.

The wind is bitter as it blows down from the top of the hill. It’s March, so it’s that time of year where the sun isn’t quite ready to negate the feel of the chill early in the morning and late into the evening. It’s already eleven am and the sun does feel warm when the wind dies down. A few moments reprieve where Henry doesn’t have to pull his coat tighter around his body or wish that he’d worn something that was more wind proof.

They don’t really make raincoats that are funeral approved, however.

Still, he pulls his thin black pea coat so it doubles over him. It’s too big. It’s not his. It was too big for George too, but his brother loved to wear oversized things. Said it made him feel small and holdable.

The thought crushes Henry. What he’d give to hold George now.

Everyone else has already gone. His mother didn’t even show. Her grief is exponential, increasing and deepening at such a fast rate now that she cannot be touched. Losing her husband young destroyed her, but burying one of her children eviscerated her. Not even the scars of her former self remain anymore.

And Henry understands. More so maybe this time than when his father died. He loved his father so much, but George was his twin, the other half of his soul. Maybe this is what his mother felt. Maybe this is what it feels like to break apart. Except she isn’t haunted by her husband by every reflective surface, by every future birthday. By every photograph of his childhood, every fucking Instagram post. By every friend they had because they didn’t even have separate friendship groups. Everything they had they had together and now Henry inherits it all.

It's too much.

(continues under cut, tags following)

It’s times like these that Henry curses being raised as an atheist. He wishes he could believe that something came after this, that he and George will meet again, but he can’t. People tell him that George is in a better place. A dark part of him agrees that six feet under some fucking dirt is probably better than living in a two bed on Peckham Highstreet. It’s a lot cheaper.

Henry gets the sudden urge to jump into the grave. It’s open, waiting for someone to come and cover George and seal him down there forever. Henry could just jump in with him.

“I didn’t think anyone would still be here.” A voice says from behind Henry, startling him.

He turns to see a beautiful man wrapped up in a warm black coat and scarf. It’s Alex, because of course it is. Who else would be so late to a funeral they miss the entire service. Who else would spring up out of the ground at Henry’s moment of despair like some kind of macabre dandelion.

“Right on time, I see.” Henry tries to snark, but his voice comes out small and fragile.

“My flight was delayed.”

Henry hums. “Nice to know George wasn’t worth flying out a day in advance.”

“Don’t.” Alex says, firmly but not aggressively as he moves to stand next to Henry. “Don’t do that, H.”

“Don’t do what?”

“Don’t act like I didn’t care about him too.”

Henry feels crazed, like he wants to scream and tear off his clothes and jump into the lake and inhale the water.

He lets out a forced laugh instead. “Oh right! Of course. My apologies. Of course my ex-boyfriend who I haven’t seen in four years also cares about my fucking dead twin brother, so much so that he shows up uninvited at his funeral an hour too late. I’m sorry for being so insensitive.”

“H-”

“-No!” Henry shouts. It’s so out of character that it snaps Alex’s mouth shut. He lowers his voice. “No. I don’t know why you’re even here.”

Alex looks down at his shoes. “Would you believe me if I told you Philip invited me?”

Henry scoffs. “Pull another one.”

“It’s true,” Alex says gently. “He called me…after… He called me when, uhm-”

“-When George was stabbed to death in a pub in broad daylight?”

Alex lets that sit for a moment. “Uhm. Yes. He called me again to invite me.” He takes a deep breath and when he speaks again his voice cracks, “we were together for ten years, Henry. I loved George like he was my own family. We were a family.”

And they were. Alex had met Henry at university, and they fell in love almost immediately. Alex had transferred to London and George was assigned to be his ‘buddy’ and he’d always taken credit for introducing Alex to Henry. Always said that he’d have to mention that in his speech at their wedding.

The air leaves Henry’s body, but he doesn’t breathe out. It just evaporates in his lungs. He and Alex never got married. George never got to give his speech. And now George will never be able to give a speech at his wedding. Never be his best man.

But he has to give it to Alex. George was his friend and he know that they’d sort of kept in touch over the years, in an Instagram comment every couple of months. He never begrudged George of that. Their breakup was hard, and Henry got everything. Got their friends, their flat, the whole fucking country. Alex had gone back to Texas and not looked back. George was collateral in their breakup too and Henry knows that losing Alex was tough on him as well.

“H?” Alex is hesitant, but he gently takes Henry’s hand in his.

“I don’t know how to do this.” Henry says suddenly. “I don’t know how to do any of this without him.”

George was his better. The two-minute older brother who was confidant and sociable, who looked after Henry every fucking day for thirty-five years. Who literally and metaphorically held Henry’s hand throughout all of their hardships. Henry remembers their father’s funeral, how Philip was stone silent, and Bea was high, and their mother was vacant. How George, only eighteen, took charge and read a eulogy. He was a lighthouse built onto the rock, so strong and bright.

Afterwards George had cried, they’d both cried, in each other’s arms. But the next day George had got out of bed and forced Henry to do the same.

“It’s going to be hard; I know.” Alex says, squeezing his hand. “But you’re stronger than you give yourself credit. I mean. Look at me. You left my sorry ass.”

Henry thinks about how Alex had lost himself in his work and how their relationship had degraded over six months of broken promises and missed dinners and sitting alone in their apartment. And how it broke him down into nothing before he’d finally had enough. They’d both had enough.

He’s heard that Alex is doing better now. That he’s finally learning how to have that work/life balance that was only a dream to them back then.

“I’m all alone this time.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes I am. Bea has Michael and the twins. Philip is…well he’s Philip. Mum is completely vacant and our friends are all grieving.”

Henry knows Alex is going to say some placating bullshit like, ‘oh it’s okay you have me,’ like he doesn’t live thousands of miles away.

“You should come stay at the lake house.” Is what Alex says instead.

“What?”

The lake house was their place. Before everything went to shit, they often spent time there, sometimes with their friends, sometimes with Alex’s family, sometimes just the two of them. It’s a haven, really. A place where time doesn’t exist. All sunshine and water and blues skies.

“Come stay at the lake house. Get away from London for a while.”

“But my family-”

“-Be a little selfish for once, H.” Alex turns to him and looks him in the eyes. “I don’t have to be there. You can just come and unwind in the sun. Take a break from this all and have time to grieve properly.”

It’s insane. It’s irresponsible. It’s not possible. He buried his brother an hour ago, his family is falling apart again but.

But this time they all have their own families to fall back on. Their own spouses and kids. Even his mother lives with Philip and Martha and has them to look after her.

Henry lived with George, not out of necessity, but out of love. George who’s dead. George whose dirty tea mug is still on his bedside table and his laundry still in the hamper.

He can’t go back there.

“Okay.” Henry says. “Okay I’ll come with you.”

And, later, it’s hard to get on the plane. But once he’s in the air, he takes his first deep breath in weeks.

[End]

easy tag for @anincompletelist @eusuntgratie @nocoastposts @getmehighonmagic @hgejfmw-hgejhsf @violetbaudelaire-quagmire @littlemisskittentoes @thinkof-england @happiness-of-the-pursuit @wordsofhoneydew @sparklepocalypse @magicandarchery @sunnysideprince and anyone i've forgotten plus open tag for anyone!!!

#writing tags #my fics

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homoeroticbetrayal · 1 year

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Iconic Homoerotic Betrayal: Round 2

Round 2 Directory

Context:

Akechi/Joker

Summarized by Anonymous Contributor

Ok so Akira(you the player) are the leader of a group of thieves (who are doing good for society) but there are more sinister things happening that also get attributed to your group.

Enter Akechi the famous charismatic detective who’s declared that he will catch you(you can probably already guess where this is going) When you first meet him it is already clear that something is very wrong under that obviously fake smile. Under your civilian identity you befriend him and slowly(or rather fast) he opens up to you showing more of his true self and what pains his heart. Even disclosing sensitive information that could bring him down. Of course this is all just lies he made up to get close to you right? Nope.

You see the betrayal coming from miles ahead. Not only does he betray you, he’s been the real culprit all along.

Despite knowing this loooong ahead you still take him on little gay dates to the aquarium, public bathhouse, pretending to shoot eachother, a café or try to impress him with your amazing darts skills. You may even willingly make wrong choices just for his approval (I did gdi Akechi I trusted you.) And when you come home he's already waiting for you.

After you survive him gleefully shooting you through the head(it makes sense in context) you meet again he admits that he wishes you’d have met earlier, confirming that your bond was genuine, that you could’ve been friends/partners(? It’s complicated) and he really meant it when he said you’re the only one he feels at ease with. But not without having a truly unhinged meltdown about it first, vehemently rejecting your offer to still be friends and turn over a new leaf. (so after he's attempted to kill you at least 2 times and is gearing up for making it 3)

Akechi betraying you is as much a betrayal of himself as it is one of you.

Bonus points:

other characters comment on you being the only one close to him

during one rank he confesses to you…. His hate?

as previously mentioned, your relationship ranks up after he shoots you in the head(you survive, it make sense in context)

he himself compares his betrayal of you to romance(yes after shooting you through the head). On live tv. In the same moment he reminds himself how he’s felt unwanted his entire life, like a reminder he killed the only person who ever made him wanted.

At the end you have the choice to stay in a perfect world where he is alive and never underwent any of the pain in his life turning him into a wholly different person, or let him die(again) as his true self. If you pick the former you can return the betrayal.

*vague description it’s complicated.

Read other summary here.

John Silver/James Flint (Black Sails)

Summarized by Anonymous Contributor

what if we were pirates and I was grieving over my lost love and pulled you into the orbit of my narrative and turned you into the same kind of monster as I am but instead of dedicating all your energy to destruction you found people to love and you sacrificed our shared dream of revolution for a chance at a quiet life and you had to kill me to do it but instead you said I will wait here for a day a month a year until we can walk out of this together. and also we were both boys.

The moment that best exemplifies WHY I believe silverflint should win this tournament isn't the moment of the betrayal itself, but something that happens an entire season before. It's the season 3 finale, and Flint and Silver are preparing for a battle. Silver says to Flint, "Your demons are a part of our reality. Such is the nature of the influence you wield. Some of those demons I've come to know, but the one in whose name this war is to be fought is still a stranger to me." He asks Flint to share the deepest and most painful parts of his backstory - and Flint does. He opens up to Silver about his (queer) lover, who was killed because of their relationship. He's never told anyone about this before, and everyone who knew is is dead. But he tells Silver.

Silver takes this in and comes to a realization. He tells Flint that he sees himself as the latest in a line of people who have become very close to Flint and died because of it. He places himself in the same category as both of Flint's dead lovers. But he says that, when it comes down to it, he's afraid he's going to destroy Flint rather than let himself be destroyed. Flint tells Silver that if he does try to kill him, he'll have his work cut out for him. The whole conversation takes place in flashbacks, intercut with the battle that takes place the next day. The end of the conversation is played in voiceover over the final shots of the season: after winning the battle, Flint stands on the bank of a river, staring across at Silver and Silver's lover; the two of them stand on the opposite bank staring back.

It is POETIC CINEMA on a level I don't even have words for. It's the moment of their greatest triumph together, the moment Flint finally opens up to someone a decade after what happened to him, the moment their partnership goes from utilitarian to inseparable. But the seeds of their dissolution are already present. Silver says as much, in the same breath as he declares himself to be the latest in the lineage of Flint's lovers. It's a truly unbelievable sequence.

#shuake #silverflint #akechi goro #akira kurusu #john silver #captain flint #black sails #p5 #polls

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goldenwoods · 4 months

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I don't want to beat the dead horse of 'Harry Potter's depiction of enslaved house elves is disgusting' but...I simply can't help myself. It still leaves a bad taste in my mouth, and I made this account to rant, after all.

So, I knew that Harry Potter never solved systemic slavery, nor even condemned it as a system. Treating house elves badly was a big no, but enslaving them in general? Debatable to say the least, says the narrative. But a recent conversation with a friend made me remember some details about just how bad it was.

First of all, though the freeing of elves via socks is a repeated element, information regarding how house elves are enslaved (or indeed, how they are born) are never shown. It's some nebulous 'bound by magic' thing and George said they come with old manors (huh?). The narrative deliberately presents all of them in an already enslaved state. Enslavement is, in the Harry Potter universe, the natural state of elves while freedom on the other hand is something that requires an external 'act', something unnatural. Elves are not shown to naturally possess autonomy which is thereafter systematically deprived, rather, they are born as part of a wizard family's property. This is pretty disturbing and sets the foundation for the narrative's whole "slavery is okay because house elves like it!' thing.

The second problem is Harry Potter himself. Harry is infuriatingly passive in front of disgusting acts of slavery. And it's not because he's a shy or apathetic character. Harry will stand up for people, is quite rash about it in fact, and even at his calmest will issue an appropriately scathing remark. But when Winky, someone who's whole kind has been enslaved and abused for who knows how long, sprouts of stuff she's been conditioned to believe like 'we're not paid, and Dobby wanting to be is unbecoming', or 'we're not supposed to have fun' or 'we do what we're told', Harry doesn't tell her 'No? You are entitled to individual autonomy, enslaving you is wrong.' but he's just like 'eh.....Dobby's cool, let him live his life.' and when Hermione complained about their oppression, the book states, literally, "Harry shook his head and applied himself to his scrambled eggs." and "True, both [Harry and Ron] had paid two Sickles for a S.P.E.W. badge, but they had only done it to keep her quiet." and regarding a professor using house elves to test for poison, Harry simply thought 'welp, guess Hermione's gonna be pissed about that, better not mention it'. (???) What the hell is going on with the good guys here, Rowling? Is this the approved attitude towards slavery?

Thirdly, of course, is the whole 'house elves love being enslaved' thing. Which...silly me for thinking Rowling was trying to critique systemic oppression...and not trying to shove it under the rug after using one poor oppressed elf to characterise bad guy Lucius. I mean, Hagrid's reasoning as to why we shouldn't free elves is absurd, he explains that it's 'in their nature to look after humans, that's what they like', they'd be unhappy to have their work taken away, and they'd be insulted if they got paid. Which is, first of all, a demonstrably untrue statement, because Dobby loved being paid. ('in their nature' generalisations proven to be inaccurate? What a shock!) But even putting that aside, how does this translate to slavery? You could...I don't know, free them and let them voluntarily be cooks, cleaners, servants, whatever, instead of keeping them under a 'magical bound' that makes coerced self-harm possible. They can...take care of you and be your servants if they really want to without being your property. What the hell.

Last but not least is how the only time the narrative made Ron Weasley ('good guy' who's exasperated by Hermione's house elves movement) openly consider the well-beings of house elves is when they wanted to set up Ron and Hermione's big romantic kiss. There's something so gross about Rowling trying to finalise her haphazardly-written romance with her poorly-written slaves, a group that she had, in the last few books, already mercilessly exploited for "comedy" via Hermione's unsuccessful activism. And it's...not even that significant. Ron: 'Hey, don't you think we shouldn't trap enslaved elves in a sieged castle that's about to become a death pit?' Hermione, and the narrative by extension: 'You're amazing, Ron! For showing them basic decency!' *aggressive kissing ensues*

And then Rowling made a whole crowd of house elves (along with a bunch of other systemically oppressed races that she couldn't bother writing properly) rush into battle on Harry/Hogwarts' behalf because wow, isn't he benevolent towards the enslaved? They love him! Like...no, Rowling, you didn't earn the 'all races unite' moment, rather you screwed it over so badly that your feel-good climax presents a picture of slaves rushing to defend their masters, who, I might add, just kind of forgot about them and decided that establishing nuclear families with a bunch of kids and no evil baddie anymore means 'all is well', systemic issues be damned.

#anti harry potter #harry potter critical #anti jkr

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falcqns · 7 months

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i should go home (but i'm fighting that right now)

✰ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: Tim Bradford x Lucy Chen

✰ 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: Tim isn’t okay with Lucy going undercover, but he’s good at hiding it. Or so he thinks.

✰ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: set during s3e06: Revelations, Tim Bradford is a simp for Lucy Chen, references to s2e11: Day of Death, mention of childhood abuse and neglect, hints to Tim being a Dom and Lucy being a Sub, angst, fluff, angst with a happy ending, undercover, rookie year, friends to lovers, tagging @natashasera

don’t forget to read and reblog, and i do not give permission for my works to be posted anywhere other than tumblr. thank you.

It wasn’t a secret to anyone in Mid Wilshire that Tim was protective of his rookies, but everyone also knew that he was more protective of Lucy than he had been of any other rookie he’d trained. Tim knew that everyone was aware, that Nyla was aware, which is what made it so much more aggravating that she’s letting her go undercover, and not letting him have a say in it at all. It wasn’t that Lucy wouldn’t be good at UC work, because she would. She would be the best at it, but he couldn’t lose her. Not only just in the way he lost Isabel, but he couldn’t lose her at all. He’d gotten a taste of a life without Lucy Chen and he knew now that a life without Lucy Chen is not a life worth living.

Tim stood at the door of the roll call room, fuming so hard he was shocked he didn’t have smoke coming out of his ears. He wanted to shut this entire thing down. He was shocked that Grey even approved Lucy going under without his permission. Normally, Tim would have to approve something like this, and had he be given the opportunity to approve or deny her going on this op, he would have said no so quickly. But, he wasn’t the option, so all he could really do was announce his anger and disagreement with this and hope that she would pull out on her own. But knowing Lucy, she wouldn’t.

Tim had just enough self control to wait until the briefing was finished, but he did give Lucy a look that he hope portrayed just how angry he was when she was instructed to stand up so everyone could get a good look at her.

People starting filtering out of the room, and Tim immediately stalked up to Nyla, and got in her face.

“The hell are you doing?” He asked. “You can’t pit an untrained probationary officer against one of the most dangerous crime syndicates in California.”

Nyla rolled her eyes, smirking slightly before responding. “I don’t want to hear it Tim,” She said, furrowing her brows at Tim and gesturing to Lucy. “She volunteered. Plus, Grey authorized it, and we have some of the best operational expertise she could ask for.”

Tim then ignored Nyla, turning to his rookie. “They know the gladiator cage you’re walking into.” He stated. “That’s not volunteering. That’s being used.” He stated, before walking out of the room, and heading back to his shop, anger flooding every inch of his body.

He then spent the rest of the day trying to get the look on Lucy’s face out of his mind. He had been harsh with his words to her. And while he still stood behind what he said, it didn’t stop the guilt that he was feeling after seeing the hurt look on her face. She had been clearly seeking out his approval, like she always did, and he just tore her down instead. That was something he did at the start of her rookie year, but stopped when he had realized that she wasn’t driven by tough love, she was driven by praise and acceptance.

He knew that her thriving off of praise and acceptance was a reflection on her childhood, where she probably didn’t get that as much as she should have, if at all. From his one and only interaction with her parents, the day after he’d pulled her from the barrel, he knew that while Lucy’s parents never physically abused her, they definitely were neglectful at best, and mentally and emotionally abused her her entire life.

Tim knew that, and Tim still acted like he did earlier. He still didn’t approve of her doing undercover work, but he could have at least tried to be supportive, and offer to help her in anyway possible. He could have been open with her, and told her his fears, and explained that he didn’t want her going undercover because he didn’t think she could handle it, it was because he didn’t want to lose her. He didn’t want to go days without talking to her, without hearing her cheerful voice, without seeing her beautiful face. He had 13 days left with her, and he didn’t want to spend those last 13 days without her. He wanted her by his side, where she was the safest, until her last day as his rookie was over, and he could ask her to be by his side like she belonged, forever.

So while he wasn’t happy in the slightest that he was not given a choice when it came to his rookie going undercover, he accepted it, and then found himself on a rooftop with Nolan, watching the op go down. He put up with the conversation with Nolan, but kept his eyes on the nondescript van where he knew Lucy was. He saw Zhang step out, followed by Harper, holding a rifle. Lucy made her way out of the van. She looked scared, but Tim knew that when Lucy was scared on the job, she didn’t let it show on her face, which meant she was in character.

Tim let out the breath that he was holding as he watched the op unfold. While he couldn’t hear what was happening, he was able to deduce what was happening through the body language of everyone involved. Suddenly, one of Salonga’s men pulled out a radio, and said something. Seconds later, another car pulled up, prompting Tim to pull out his own radio.

“We’ve got another guest at the party,” he said, a hint of anxiety in his voice that he wasn’t even trying to hide anymore. “Standby for rescue.” He put his radio back, and continued to watch the buy.

As he did, he wanted nothing more than to pull Lucy out. He knew that she was strong, but the side of him that wanted to wrap her in bubble wrap and keep her by his side so nothing could hurt her wanted her out of that dangerous situation. But, he knew if he did that, she was going to be even more angry with him, and at the very best would cause her to resent him for the rest of her rookie year, and at the very worst would cause her to request a transfer and he would never see her again. His heart couldn’t handle that, not seeing her ever again, so he wouldn’t pull her out. She needed to see this through, and if anything went wrong, he would be there, protecting her in a heartbeat.

He watched with bated breath as Lucy willingly got into the car with Salonga, his anxiety for her turning into anger. He knew that Nyla had grilled her about not going to a secondary location, and while yes, she technically wasn’t leaving the location, she was in a closed vehicle that they could only monitor the audio. Anything could be happening visually and they would have no clue what was happening until it was too late.

When Lucy stepped out of the car a few minutes later, he let out the breath he had been holding. The next few moments flew by in a blur of seeing the money, being told to move in, and running up to Chen, placing her hands behind her back and cuffing her.

As he started to lead her to their shop, number 7-a-19. He helped her into the back of the shop, watching as she looked him in the eyes for the first time since he had berated her in front of Zhang and Harper. “You did good,” He said simply. He wanted to wait until they were alone to have a proper conversation, not only about how proud he was of her, but also about how stupid of a decision it was (in his opinion) to get into Salonga’s car. He shut the door, rounded the car, shut the other back door, and hopped in the front. He got in the front, pulling out of the parking garage, and heading toward the station.

Once they were on the freeway, Tim fished out the handcuff key from his belt, and handed it to Lucy.

“I’m still mad at you,” Lucy said, accepting the key, and un-cuffing herself.

Tim nodded in understanding. “I know,” he said. “I’m mad at you too.”

Lucy laughed. “For what?!”

Tim looked at her in the rearview mirror. “Where should I start? Going behind your training officers back, volunteering for an undercover op without approval from said training officer, getting into Salonga’s car where we couldn’t monitor everything happening.” He listed. “Not to mention, had Grey not told me, I highly doubt you would have on your own accord.”

“I didn’t come to you before volunteering for two reasons.” Lucy snapped. “1, there was no time, it was a heat of the moment decision because we were in danger, and 2, because I knew you wouldn’t approve.”

Now it was Tim’s turn to laugh. “Damn right. You are MY rookie, and that means that you are MY responsibility. You’re damn right I wouldn’t have approved of you going undercover. You are not experienced, you’re still a rookie for gods sakes! There shouldn’t have been an opportunity for you to be even exposed to undercover work.” He said loudly.

Tim immediately regretted his words and tone when he hear Lucy sniffle from the back seat.

“S-So you don’t think I’m good enough for undercover work.” She stated. “Really loving the support from my TO right now. I thought you would have been proud of me.”

Tim sighed, and pulled the shop over. He got out of the shop, and opened up the backseat, letting Lucy out. She didn’t make eye contact with him, and slapped the cuffs and key in his hand.

“Get in the front seat.” He said.

“Why?” Lucy challenged.

Tim rolled his eyes, exasperated with her attitude. “Get in the car, Boot.” He snapped, getting back in the drivers seat.

“Its shop, not a fucking car!” Lucy yelled at him as she walked (more like stomped) around the car.

Tim ran a hand over his face, and sighed, before turning to Lucy when he heard the passenger door slam.

“Okay first of all, stop with the attitude.” He said, and Lucy’s mouth dropped open.

“I do not ha-“ She started, but then Tim grasped her chin, and looked into her eyes.

“You do. You have an attitude right now, and I’m sick of it. I know you just went through a very stressful situation, that you’re tired, and angry, but I need you to stop acting like Lucy, and start acting like Officer Chen, got it?” He said, sternly, and Lucy nodded, eyes wide. Tim swallowed, trying not to think too much about how easily she submitted to him.

“Yes, I am mad at you. For all the reasons I mentioned. My anger is valid and justified. I know that, and I know for a fact that you know that. I am angry that you did this without coming to me first, but it is not because I think that you can’t handle it, or that you’re not strong enough for undercover work. It’s because I already lost someone important to me to undercover work and I am not willing to risk that with you, okay?” He said, and Lucy nodded, gulping, tears starting to form in her eyes.

“You did great. You did better than I was expecting you to, but that doesn’t mean that I’m okay with it.” He expressed. “We can talk more about that later, but right now I need you to tell me what you need to recover from the op. You are not yourself, because regular Lucy would not yell, stomp, or swear at me like you did. So, lets get back to the station, so you can be debriefed and I can drive you home. Can we do that?” He asked, and Lucy nodded, her body starting to relax in Tim’s hold. “Good girl.”

“‘m sorry,” Lucy whispered as Tim released her cheek. “‘m sorry I yelled at you.” Her tears spilled over and began running down her cheeks, and Tim wasted no time in wrapping an arm around her and pulling her close to his chest.

“Its okay.” He whispered. “I’m not mad anymore, okay?” He reassured, and Lucy nodded, still sobbing. “And for the record, I am proud of you. I’ve never been prouder of a rookie than I am of you. So I want you to get the doubt of my pride in you out of your head. Me being proud of you and me being angry with the way things went down are not related.” He reassured her.

“O-Okay.” She stuttered. Tim nodded, pressed a small kiss to the top of her head, and then removed his arm, and was about to grab onto the steering wheel when Lucy grabbed it, and gripped it tightly. Tim smiled, but let her hold on to his arm as he drove.

They made it back to the station a while later, and Lucy was immediately pulled away by Nyla for their debrief, but not before Tim told her to change out immediately after and wait at his truck. Tim was also pulled into his own debrief, as he was just surveillance and wasn’t able to know the intimate details of the operation against Salonga. He also had a rather uncomfortable conversation with Grey about why he had interrupted the briefing and spoke to his rookie like that, where he explained his reasonings, and got off rather easily, as Grey understood where he was coming from but insisted that next time he needs to speak to his rookie with the respect and kindness that she had more than earned.

He changed out, and met Lucy by his truck, where she was standing, looking around nervously.

“Hey,” he said, with a smile on his face to let her know he really wasn’t mad anymore. “How are you feeling?”

Lucy shrugged, a small, unsure smile on her face. “Im good. Tired.” She said, as Tim walked closer.

“I can imagine.” He said. He put his bag down at his feet, and tucked his hands into his pants. “Look, I know that I was out of line earlier today, during the briefing.” He began. “I was scared for you, and angry that had I not gone to see Grey on my own accord, theres a high likely hood I would have been kept in the dark about it, but I had no right to yell at you and talk to you the way that I did. You deserved to have to support throughout your first undercover operation, and I should have put my personal issues with undercover work aside and helped you. So, I’m sorry.”

“Wow,” Lucy said, her eyebrows raising. “An I’m sorry? From Tim Bradford? That was not what I was expecting at all.” She said, and Tim furrowed his own brows in confusion.

“What were you expecting me to say?”

Lucy looked him in the eyes. “I was honestly expecting you to say that while I did good today you stand by what you said this morning and that I shouldn’t be doing undercover work at all, much less while I’m still a rookie.”

Tim sighed, looked down, and moved closer to Lucy. “That’s not what I think, or what I meant by my little speech in the car earlier. I was just struggling with my own shit, but I now realize that I shouldn’t let my own trauma trigger yours, and it wasn’t okay for me to grab your face like that, or speak to you like I did.”

“And by realizing, you mean Grey yelled at you?” She joked, and Tim nodded with a sheepish smile. “Thats what I thought. And about the grabbing my face, I actually liked that. It helped me focus, and helped ground me.” She explained.

Tim moved even closer to her, brushing a stray hair out her face as he cupped her face. “Really?” He asked. “You liked it?” He asked in a slightly joking tone, and smiled even bigger when he saw her become slightly flustered. Suddenly, the confession that he was saving for after her last shift as a rookie was on the tip of his tongue, and he did nothing to stop it.

“Do you want to know the real reason I didn’t want you going undercover?” He asked, and Lucy immediately nodded. “The reason I didn’t want you doing this is because I’m just overprotective of my rookies. I was upset because you mean more to me than any of those other rookies ever did. I trained them, they graduated to P2 or washed out, and I moved on to the next rookie. Until you walked into the room, and I was assigned as your training officer. Most rookies would have just followed orders and let me die or ran for the hills if I got shot on their second ever shift. But, not you. You stayed, disobeyed me but pulled me from danger, and thats when I knew that training you was going to be different. But, it wasn’t until I came in to work on December 9th, 2019, that I realized that I was in love with you.” He admitted, his voice shaking slightly, but determined to get this out before he lost the confidence. He saw Lucy’s eyebrows raise slightly, her lips drop one, and tears rim her eyes once more.

“W-What?” Lucy stuttered, swallowing hard. “You’re in love with me?” She asked.

At first, Tim wasn’t sure whether she was happy or sad about that, but then he looked deep into her eyes, and behind her beautiful brown eyes, he saw happiness. He saw hope, and most importantly, he saw the love she had for him. And that happiness, hope, and love gave him the boost do not answer her with words, but instead, answer her by leaning in, and pressing his lips to hers, hoping he was able to convey the love he had in his heart, body and mind for Lucy through the kiss.

Lucy melted into his body, and he held her as close as he could, knowing for the first time since he pulled her from that barrel that she was safe, fully safe, and that she would be by his side, forever, just like he wanted.

#natashasera #chenford #tim bradford x lucy chen #tim bradford #lucy chen #the rookie fanfiction #tim bradford fanfiction #lucy chen fanfiction #chenford fanfiction #the rookie #melissa oneil #eric winter

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kamigui · 10 months

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A fanfic idea I'd like to dedicate to you

I wanted to share this idea I have with you because I saw that beautiful animation you made of your OC Rubee and Wally with that scene of the Hunt vs Hunted AU that nonomives made and the other AUs incorporated in it. I'm actually currently writing a fanfic inspired by that AU with plans to dedicate it to nonomives (with their permission), and I just absolutely live for the angst and redemption arcs. Your incredible art really gave me the inspiration I needed to start working on it.

I'm actually in my lovers-turned-enemies trope right now, and my mind began racing with just this concept of (what if) Rubee actually surviving the Hunt vs Hunted scenario and was accidentally turned, but somehow the effect was so diluted it didn't necessarily destroy her mind and make her feral, but instead caused her to slowly start losing her mind, where any memories of Wally were tampered with or discarded and whatever horrors she might have witnessed were misplaced onto Wally?

(Because in reality, he'd never actually hurt her, she just convinced herself he did because there's so many pieces missing in her brain she had to just fill them in herself. And then there's the assumption Wally accidentally committed genocide as a response to his grief of losing Rubee, therefore, she's more convinced that he just has to be evil. She obviously doesn't know the true reason, only knowing that he had harmed a lot of people) (I'm thinking this affliction could potentially turn her immortal, or at least, very difficult to kill and inhumanely strong; but she could probably still get hurt).

Because of this, any positive feelings for him were replaced with disgust and hatred, where she felt her only response is to pretty much destroy him so he didn't hurt anyone else. But, it's conflicting because deep inside her soul she's hesitant, scared, and longing for the security/safety he provided her in the past, before she lost her memories /and before he thought she was dead/.

Anyway, there was a scene playing in my mind where she managed to get to him, like, actions set in motion just ready to pierce his heart. And Wally's just looking up at her, not really fighting back, but holding her off, eyes just pitiful and sad and desperate; because "How is she alive-?".

He's in disbelief, emotions torn between sadness, anger, and overwhelming love. And she's trying to kill him, not realizing that she's crying and struggling to actually finish him off. Because, yes, she has to kill him so no one suffers like she did--but also, no, because that part of her that 'died' that night still clings to hope and love.

I think Wally would immediately know that she's affected by his blood, since according to nonomives, people who are closer to Wally's blood go insane and feral, depending on the level of potency the person was dosed with. I really like this concept, because that could potentially lead to the rarest opportunity where someone hasn't been completely overcome by his affliction. Maybe Rubee was just extremely strong willed in mind and spirit, so her body (could have) managed to refrain from completely turning into a vampire zombie? That tiny, sliver of hope motivates Wally to figure out some sort of 'cure' for Rubee, but we have no idea what the implications of that would do.

(Could she die due to having lived so long and just turn into dust? Would she end up suffering from the pain and physical damage she's received all these years, finally catching up to her? Is there the chance she'll just return back to him? We don't really know. Too many endings, no solid answers.)

//Anyway, feel free to just yeet this in the trash if you want. Ha ha ha, I'm just dumb and rambling... I don't want to interject or impede on your work, or self-insert your OC into anything. I'd hate to misinterpret the characters. But I just really wanted to share this idea and hope you'd at least enjoy it. If you do approve and gave me permission to pursue this, I would be more than happy to dedicate a fanfiction on the topic because I just think it's *chefs kiss*

//I supposed, this is also my way of asking if it's alright with you for me to pursue this idea with your OC?

#submission

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fanworldbuildingfun · 1 year

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Recently I have landed on a lovely Auspex series by Lithuva on A03 and now, rent free, in my head a Desmond who runs an Assassin Bureau lives. Except he did not set out to create one. Or realizes he is running one

To spice things a bit, I’m sending Desmond to AC1 era

Let’s assume Desmond shall not, immediately, realize where he is, nor shall he go to search for any big city. And when he does, he is just… Too tired after everything that went on in the last few months to even actively want to. Instead, he just wanders. Tries to get a lay of the land. Indulges the desire to get up as high as he can to learn the map of the location

And then, when he is more or less satisfied that he knows the immediate area he is in (because I’m going to just go and assume that the “Syncronization makes you avare of points of interest” is a valid, Isu-derived offshoot of Isu Knowledge), Desmond heads for the nearest settlement where he sees flecks of gold

Now, apparently 1100s have been a bad time for the region when it came to earthquakes. As in, they were so bad there have been entire cities destroyed in landslides, and entire fortresses collapsed. We are talking 7+ on Magnitude scale ~ every decade from 1138 to 1170. How is it relevant? Rebuilding takes time, and bigger cities would obviously get more attention first

So when Desmond reaches that golden speck? It’s a small settlement that is partially abandoned, and the only remaining people are those who could not afford to move away. So… Desmond sticks around. Hunts for his food. Helps to clear everything up, relying on whatever memories he has from his ancestors that dealt with architecture. There isn’t much, and most of it is surface-level (none of them got involved in more than approval / supply review / labor review/ costs), but even that helps. He can eyball the damages and estimate how much it may cost to repair, and that alone is a good starting point of for the settlement

But till someone can be called in, he helps

Helps moving rubble. Helps taking apart the houses that look beyond saving. Helps do what fixes can be done without outside help. Desmond’s climbing skills and Eagle vision help here. Slowly, he becomes just one of the people of the settlement. When he’s not helping on fixes, he somehow ends up entertaining kids with stories. Then it shifts to teaching, because some stories require further explanations of concepts Desmond did not realize were common in 21st century, but not in 12th.

It’s not conventional by any means, but for this time? It works just fine. He pulls on Altaїr’s memories of lessons at Masyaf. He pulls on Ezio’s memories of being tutored as a child. And it’s all applicable so even if some of the adults grumbled at the start, they eventually stopped. Some even joined in on the lessons

At some point, Desmond gets a house of his own. It wasn’t really meant to be his. It was an old inn building that was one of the more damaged ones, and the owner left it almost a generation ago, now. So Desmond slowly worked on it till everyone just… Accepted it as his and there was that. They all are a tight knit bunch at this point

But then, the Crusades reignite. And suddenly the out-of-the way settlement is no longer out-of-the-way, because trading routes shift to avoid the fighting

The settlement becomes busy. Desmond’s barely finished inn becomes busy. And security becomes an issue

…It wasn’t an unknown that Desmond has been trained. But it has been a backburner knowledge that the settlement now had to face because suddenly, they had to pick up more self-defense skills - after the overall higher level of literacy came to bite them in the butt. When the traders discovered most of the settlers could read/write (and in several languages at that!), the settlement became a hub from which messages would be sent. And then some of the younger people that weren’t interested in tending to their parents’ land (and anyway, they had siblings to do that) became couriers or scribes

Somehow, that became Desmond’s problem

He had all of a year, less even, to enjoy being an inn owner before he had to delegate that – because he got dragged into coordinating the mail, arranging protection for the settlement, dealing with obstinate merchants… There was no time to actually, you know, run the inn

It all came to a peak when a harried young man arrived to the settlement, and Desmond pegged on him as one of the Brotherhood novices. One that had clearly run into some amount of trouble – the kind that was likely to follow him. So he just… Shoos him in with his messengers and makes sure that, when the trouble comes, finding the novice among them is night impossible. He does not acknowledge it. He does not present himself as an Assassin

That doesn’t mean his action aren’t noted. By the novice or the settlement.

#Assassin's Creed #Desmond runs an Assassin Bureau #Which is not technically part of any branch #Nor is officially an Bureau at all #But it functions like one #Desmond Miles #It was a sleepy dying settlement before Desmond came and ruined it

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peacesmith · 2 years

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ao3

title - Selfish.

paring - marc spector x male reader

words - 1.7k

summary - whoever thought that the one who was supposed to take care of you and keep you safe could make you feel as if you've never belonged.

genre - angst, w/ some comfort (at the end, it's little and bittersweet)

warnings - i swear a bit in here, crying, negative family environment, huge mommy issues, neglectfulness, mentions of not existing, just fucking sad okay, kind of rushed the ending

notes - i solely based this off of my expierence with my mom, she was never physically abusive, but she always made me feel like a piece of shit and that i was doing something wrong. but i could never bring myself to hate her, because she's done so many things for me when i was younger. we still keep in contact, as much as i don't want to.

i spend a lot of time focusing on more of reader's relationship with his mom instead of marc, since it is portraying how the reader feels and how i feel with my mom.

i'm sorry for anyone who else goes through this, i'm writing this mostly for my comfort, almost as a self insert. but anyone could read this, especially if you could relate to this situation.

It was selfish of you, and you knew that.

You always felt like that the things you want was always a need, almost as if the world ends if you didn’t get it. Almost as if you had to get your way. Like a spoiled child that would throw a tantrum when they wouldn’t get what they wanted. Then, they would hate their parents for not giving them what they wanted. Blame it on them, them for not getting what they wanted.

That is how you felt right?

You still kept in contact with your mom, why not? People love their moms! She put a roof over your head, told you the things that were right and wrong no matter what logic contradict what she said. She was always right. That’s why they say, mother knows best right? Right?

At least, that’s what you’ve always thought. I mean, you never would’ve gotten this far without her. No matter how much nagging she did, no matter how much she would say you were selfish for doing something you want to do. Something she doesn’t approve on. No matter how much she wouldn’t listen to you.

It felt like everyday that you were slowly losing a part of yourself.

One second, she would scream, and yell at you for being simply just foolish. For not considering what she feels. Then next thing you know, she’s asking you what you want for dinner.

This cycle continued for almost everyday of your childhood. It felt like as soon as you got to middle school, your life would start crashing right in front of your eyes.

Sometimes you wish you could’ve just been born with different parents.

But then you wouldn’t have the privilege that you do now, now would you?

Oh how easy was it for you to change your mind.

Dad wasn’t much help either, he never bothered to stand up to her. He simply became a background character. Only consoling you and telling you to always respect your mother. She risked a lot of things to get you where you are now anyways.

Bullshit.

It was supposed to be just a simple meeting. Meeting with some old friends and going to a small event that wouldn’t even last about an hour. To have fun, to go back on some old memories, to forget about your surroundings and worries.

But your lovely mother couldn’t have that now could she.

You went behind her back, didn’t tell her about it. You guys were supposed to hang out anyways, she is your mother anyways.

But you also are a grown adult, you don’t have to live under her roof anymore. You are allowed to do things.

She never approved of this, your friends, or anything. It wasn’t what she wanted anyways. It was always, and only about what you wanted. It’s your fault now that she’s wasting her own time yelling and lecturing you about going behind her back and not telling her. She’s your mother, you should always respect her.

She’s your mother they say.

She’s your mother, she’s your mother. Respect her, don’t talk back, do what she says with no hesitation.

She’s not your mom, you don’t know who this woman is. But she for sure isn’t your mom.

They she only wants what’s best for you, they would do the same. You have a great mom, anybody would kill to have a mom like her.

She’s provided so much for you.

Everyday, piece by piece, bit by bit. A part of you will slowly start to break away, and soon, you wont know who you are. A shell of your former self, the once amazing child you were suddenly thrown out of the window.

You would listen to her, going on and on about how you’re disappointing her, how she expects you to be better. You pull the same shit, over, and over again. Why can’t you just listen? What do you have to say for yourself?

There was nothing to say, you had nothing to say.

And that only seemed to displease her.

Selfish, you were so selfish to choose your friends that probably won’t stay with you for forever. Unlike your mom, who will always be apart of you. Even if you killed her.

This was almost a routine for you, almost everyday you would listen to her. And every time, it always ends up with her shutting you out and you left there being lost.

What do you do? Do you cry after that? Do you hate her for everything? Realize she’s been nothing but a shit mother to you? No, it’s always the former.

You can’t hate her, you know what she’s done, but you can never hate her.

Because she’s done so much for you, why hate her now?

Maybe you could talk to your friends, only thing is that their mommy issues are better than yours. They have great relationships with their mom! Why ruin that? They wouldn’t understand anyways.

This always happened.

You would always get complaints from your mom, then she leaves you feeling almost as if nothing matters anymore, and you never have anyone to talk to.

No one, no one would understand, would they? Maybe they would, but what if their problems are worse?

That would be shitty of you.

You don’t know how you ended up here.

Outside of Steven’s flat.

You met Steven, or really Marc, on one of your trips to go get some coffee. Nothing big, just happened to bump into each other. But something clicked once you guys saw each other. You don’t know what it was, but you ended up having his phone number by the end of the day.

Steven did end up revealing that he had another person, or alter, living inside of him. He had DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder.

You’ve heard about it before, but never really understood the whole concept of it. You were willing to learn more about it.

Turns out, it was the other way around from which Steven explained it.

Steven was living inside of someone else. Although, that’s not really important right now.

That is how you ended up meeting Marc.

Raising one fist to knock, you softly knock about three times before standing there silently. Maybe you should just come back tomorrow, it wasn’t that big of a deal anyways. He had other problems to deal with anyways, you could always come back later.

As soon as you were about to turn around and leave, the door opened. Standing there, was Marc. You could tell because of the look in his eye and his accent change.

“(Y/N)?” Marc says, a little confused at you coming at this time unannounced. He was going to make another comment until he noticed the slight redness to your eyes and nose. This causes him to usher you inside and close the door.

“Hey, sorry for coming here on such short notice, just didn’t think you answer.” You say, looking away at Marc to look at anything but him. You didn’t care that you were crying, you were kind of just hoping that he wouldn’t answer. At least have Steven answer, maybe you could’ve just chatted.

Marc looks at the male in front of him before finding the right words to say something.

“(Y/N), is everything alright? You’re not acting like yourself.” He takes a small step forward, concern written all over his face. He didn’t want to push it, but he knew there was something wrong and wanted to help the best he could.

You stare at the floor before shaking your head, finally getting the courage to look up at him. Eyes starting to get glossy as you finally start breaking down. Being vulnerable was not something you were too proud of.

“Marc, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong anymore… why is she being so rude to me? What did I even do?” Your voice starts to crack a little, it was very obvious that you were about to cry at any given moment now. He had to choose his words carefully.

Marc opens his arms and wraps them around you, which you immediately accept and wrap your arms around him. Putting your face into the crook of his neck as you proceed to cry into his shoulder. He knew immediately who you were talking about.

“Hey, hey. You’re not doing anything wrong okay? I’m here for you, please don’t feel like you’re doing something wrong.” He rubs your back, rocking back and forth with you, trying to sooth you to the best of his ability.

This makes you cry even harder, you always felt like a crybaby. You hated being vulnerable, exposing yourself and your problems to others. It felt like you weren’t being strong enough. Sensitive. Selfish.

“I just want to do better; I want her to finally approve of something I do.” You say, taking a pause to gasp a little bit while crying. Crying was such an ugly feeling for you. “Why won’t she approve of what I do?”

Marc stays silent, taking him back to when he was a child. His mom wasn’t his mom, that’s what he told himself. He wishes he could’ve done something, to avoid what happened to Randall. Oh how he just wishes.

“It’s not your fault, it’s not.” He says, gently but slowly to not startle you, started bringing you to the couch so you guys could sit down. Marc’s face shows empathy, he feels bad. He doesn’t want anyone to go through this, not with someone who’s supposed to love you unconditionally

It’s silent other than the quiet sobs coming from the other male. Which eventually die down.

Marc brings him into a more comfortable position, laying him on top of him as he waits for the other male to calm down.

He does eventually, he slumps, and his weight is put onto Marc. Quiet snores coming from him. Crying does tire people out, but they say it’s good for you. That’s not the point. The dark-haired male looks down before pressing a kiss to his hair.

He felt bad, he wanted to be there for you as much as he could.

So, he will, from now on.

He doesn’t want you to get her anymore. Whenever you do get hurt, he wants to be there to put the pieces back together.

He knows that one day he won’t be able to pick up the pieces and help fix you, one day you’ll break and can’t be fix. He doesn’t want that to happen, he wants to avoid it.

So, for now, he wants to keep you from getting to that breaking point.

Oh, but it’s only a matter of time.

#marc spector x male reader #marc spector x reader #moon knight x male reader #moon knight x reader #marvel x male reader #marvel x reader #x male reader #angst with a hopeful ending #bittersweet ending #writing

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mbti-notes · 9 months

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Anon wrote: Hi, I’m a 22 year old INFP in college. I’m at a point where I am deeply unhappy with my position in life, and I’d like your advice for how I should proceed. I want to change so badly and have been trying for so long, but somehow my efforts seem to never amount to any substantial change. I’m really sorry, this is going to be long and contain a lot of backstory. I have a lot of respect for you and have been reading your blog for years, and you seem incredibly wise; however I understand if you do not have the time to answer this. But if so, I appreciate it more than anything.

I come from an extremely dysfunctional family, whom I still live with. My mother is truly a narcissist, and I believe she’s an xSFP. She’s extremely dysfunctional and can hardly handle herself let alone her children. She has extreme nonconformist opinions (anti-vax, total disregard of modern medicine, arranged marriages, etc) and has instilled so much self-hatred into me. She cannot handle anyone who thinks differently from her. She blames me, my dad, and my younger brother for everything wrong with our household. For the past few days she’s been especially horrible, constantly berating me and calling me a failure. She’s extremely toxic but believes herself to be a saint.

My father is an ISFJ who is a total enabler. He suffers at the hand of my mother too yet will throw us under the bus whenever and never stick up for me or my siblings, even though he too gets treated horribly. I believe if he married a better woman he would’ve been salvageable, as he seems to just adapt to my mom’s views, although he gets so much shit from her too.

I don’t think I’ve experienced genuine love from my parents, ever. They’ve always wanted me to be something I’m not. They never approved of my interests (arts, humanities) or valued my opinions. When I was 17 they discovered that I was self-harming regularly, and instead of helping me, my mother shamed me for months and called me evil, a child of the devil. My father cried and asked me, how could you do this? What did we do wrong for you to end up like this?

I have a whole lot of pain in my heart. I’ve worked on myself to the point where I, when needed, can speak relatively objectively about who I am and my strengths. I no longer self-harm. But in my darkest moments, I have completely adapted the label of “evil” and beat myself up over it.

Despite being 22, I do not have my driver’s license. I’ve had my permit since I was 16, but cannot legally drive on my own. I think I could pass the test if I practiced more. However, that would require spending time with my mother, who’s temper stresses me out to no end while on the road. Its because of this that I’ve put it off for so long. I am too unwilling and fragile to deliberately put myself in a situation where I know I will get yelled at and degraded.

Despite being 22, I am not allowed to dress in anything “revealing”, nor get my nails or eyelashes done, I am not allowed to drink, I am not allowed to date, I have a curfew, and I am not allowed to move out.

A few months ago, I tried to take control of my life. Despite all of my misfortune, I am lucky enough to have a lot of genuine friends who care for me. My best friend and I decided to move out together. We leased a place, made payments, and started packing our bags. Right before our plan to move officially, without even knowing, my parents decided to go on an impromptu road trip to our hometown. I decided not to tell them until we were driving back from the trip… huge mistake. I was mentally tortured for the entire drive back (3 days). They degraded me to no end, guilt tripped me, cried, acted like I had murdered someone. My mom even accused me of being a lesbian for moving in with another girl, which is not only disgustingly homophobic, but also makes no sense!!! At one point my mom screamed so loudly and banged on the car door in anger while my father was driving, and he ended up pulling over on the highway. She blamed me and basically said if we died it would be my fault. Scared me and my younger siblings shitless.

In the end, it was more trouble than worth. Me and my friend called it off easily, having not signed a real lease and only giving a verbal agreement. We paid the rest of the month off and continued to live at home. I had felt like such a failure. I didn’t have a job or anything, but I was so confident that after moving out and being away from all the horrible shit at home that I’d be able to get ahold of my life, develop good habits, and become my own person… but my dreams of independence and freedom were ultimately crushed, and I remain in jail.

Because of that same trip and failure to move out, I became even more depressed. My parents had overstayed by almost a week despite my protests and their apparent dream of me doing well in school, and the school work and feelings were so overwhelming that I dropped almost all of my classes that semester. They don’t know of course, I’d be dead.

I truly wish I could get my life together, learn to love myself, and move so far away from them. I never want to speak to them again, as cruel as that is. They want to marry me off one day. I can’t handle it. But I have no money, no car, I’m struggling in school… I am always thinking about how I can improve or turn things around, and I always take one step forward and then fall 5 steps behind. I hate my body, I hate my incompetence, and I hate my life. I’ve been trying for so long, reading, writing, thinking, yet I can’t seem to get anywhere.

And then there is the matter of my little siblings. 17 and 8 years old. My younger brother (17) told me during that trip that if I moved out he would kill himself because he wouldn’t be able to handle them on his own or deal with them potentially getting even stricter once I left. It made me so sick, that I wanted to throw up. Luckily, he is most likely moving away for college next year after he graduates… which they are okay with, because he is a boy I suppose. My baby sister is a trooper and understood why I wanted to move out and even pretended to be on my mother’s side. However, when I tried, my mom said she would forbid us from talking because I am a horrible influence. The thought of abandoning her with mother makes me want to cry. I thought that maybe I would secretly buy her a phone before I move out and let her keep it a secret to talk to me with. But if me moving away and living my life the way i want to made her life worse, I dont know how I’d forgive myself or make up for it.

But either way, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to move out. I hate my body and my bad habits. I try to get clean and become healthier all the time but I can’t stick with it. Something always happens with my mother having an episode and it depresses me to no end and I lose it, try again, lose it. Then with driving. I keep thinking I’ll get my license soon. I never have motivation to practice with her. I need to be able to take my self places to get a job. And even if I do get a job, I know based on my old ones that the stress of home life, my self esteem, and fragility will make it so hard to hold down a job without breaking down constantly or just giving up. And then there’s school. I want to be educated and do well so badly, but it’s so hard with how things are. What should I do? How can I change? I want to escape this nightmare and live for myself more than anything. I want to be content with who I am and comfortable in my body and in my life decisions. I want to be able to voice my opinions and follow my values without being punished, stifled, or suffocated. If I don’t figure out things soon, I fear everything will come crumbling down and the life I long for will never be realized. I promise I try to be positive and appreciative of what I do try. I try to do things that will make me happier and take steps towards a better life. I try to deconstruct my mind so that I don’t fuss over everything and accept even horrible things as they are… But I always get shot down. It always becomes too much, and my progress always becomes undone. It’s like I’m trapped and can’t get out. All I want is the basic right to be myself, unapologetically.

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You are a young adult and it's an important aspect of young adulthood to establish an independent mindset. I believe you have it already, but your environment is not allowing you to express it fully. This is not your fault, so there is no reason to blame yourself for it.

Blame is a distraction, and it can even lead to problems like self-harm. Blame keeps you hyperfocused on the negative aspects of situations, which drains the precious mental energy you need for moving forward in positive directions. The sooner you can let go of your blaming mindset, the better you will feel and the more rational your thinking will be when tackling problems.

Remember: The blame you direct at yourself is an echo of your mother's way of blaming you. Do you want to internalize her negative attitude? If you truly have an independent mindset, you should be able to separate your own thoughts from someone else's. Where will you find the truth about you: her words or your heart?

With regard to confidence: Most people experience times in life when it seems that problems or obstacles are too big to surmount. The best approach is to break them down into very small steps and manageable goals (requires proper use of Si). By doing this, you allow yourself to feel a relatively continuous stream of small wins that gradually improve your self-confidence. Believing that you are capable is half the battle, isn't it?

With regard to motivation: You say you have good friends to support you and that's a great resource to draw from. Whenever you're feeling down, reach out for some emotional support. Whatever it is you're having difficulty with, get input or assistance from someone more knowledgeable than you. For example, is your mom the only person in the world who can help you with driving instruction? Getting encouragement and support at crucial stages of your path helps keep your motivation up.

Failing to achieve a goal doesn't make you a failure or a bad person. If you believe it does, you are still thinking like a child and it is yet another manifestation of an unhealthy blaming mindset. Failure is really an opportunity. It helps you learn new things. It helps you improve your knowledge and skills. It helps you find a better direction. What mistakes did you make last time? What do those mistakes tell you about how to do better next time? An important aspect of personal growth is learning how to turn failure into something educational, edifying, or valuable.

For INFPs, Ne development is necessary for learning how to be resourceful and making the best use of what you have, rather than always getting lost in thinking about what you don't have. You've spent a lot of words telling me how your situation sucks so that I can understand where you're coming from. But I wonder: What is good about your situation? What resources, both internal and external, are available to you? What's the best way to use those resources to achieve your goals?

#infp #auxiliary ne #tertiary si #self esteem #self confidence #blame #failure #making mistakes #ask

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atticmonsterstream · 16 days

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[TW in post, talk of suicide, thoughts of suicide, death and self harm]

TL:DR Life is kind of bad again, and I'm stuck in a crossroads and don't know what to do anymore with my life anymore, and I need help. I was going to end things permanently, or so was the plan, but have decided to have one last try and fixing my issues and getting on top of things, because what have I got to lose.

I had no intention of sharing any of this information because I didn't want to upset everybody. I have been told that I make people happy, and that some people look up to me, so to admit that I'm struggling this bad just feels like I'm letting everyone down, it feels like I've failed everybody and that I'm not what people believed me to be. Truth be told, I was going to finish this week of classic monster streams, make peace with as many people as possible, try to enjoy myself and put a smile on as many faces as I could, and then vanish from the internet under the guise that I was selling my PC, whilst in reality, finding a quiet place to go and die quietly.

I have truly hit rock bottom, and I don't really see a way out, my life has gotten to such a ridiculously low point that there doesn't really seem to be any escape, and if I'm totally honest, sometimes suicide seems like the only way out, and so I want to explain to people how the brain of somebody haunted with suicidal thoughts works, or atleast how it works for me.

For anyone that may have read my previous post, or anyone that knows me, you'll already know that I didn't exactly have the greatest upbringing or life in general. I have always been a sad and depressed kid and adult, and I've always struggled with suicidal thoughts, and I have attempted to take my own life many, many times over, but be it by chickening out, bad luck or divine intervention, I've failed about 13 times now. Doing something like that so many times makes you so numb to the idea of dying that it just becomes part of you, it haunts you like a second voice in your head, or like a secret extra option to every scenario, sometimes a soft whisper and sometimes a scream so loud it's the only thing you can think about.

You think, "I should get out of bed and get ready for work!" And the voice says "Nahh just stay home, and when you get bills and life gets rough, just kill yourself." You might think "Oh I wonder what I should have for dinner?" And it tells you "Why bother eating, just starve and die instead." Even with things I love, like streaming, I wonder when to go live and it tells me 'Everybody hates you and wants to see you die, do that instead if you really care about your audience."

I cannot overstate how exhausting fighting off this voice becomes, it's a daily battle of just trying to survive your own brain trying to pull its own plug, but over time I have gotten better at it. Very rarely do I even noticed the feelings I get anymore unless something particularly bad is going on, but usually some shitty event is enough to let it creep up on me.

The moment that really fucked me up most in my life was when I was 18, and for some fucking insane reason, I was automatically approved for a credit card with a £10,000 limit on it. By this point, I had been kicked out of home and was living alone in one of my grandfather's houses, and stupidly I accepted the credit. I didn't really use it much and just got on with my life, I'd spend some here and there and pay it off straight away, until my life started to get progressively worse and I had to use it more. My first partner that I'd ever been with for about 7 years and I broke up, I'd failed college because of my living situation and depression, my workplace shut down and I was jobless, and suddenly I was living off of this credit card.

It doesn't take a genius to see that, living off a credit card, and then using that card to pay itself off each month (to avoid risking late fees and all that shit) was always going to end in disaster, but I was like 19 and thought "It's okay I'll get on top of it somehow" but the truth is, I didn't.

And then the (not so) brilliant idea hit me.

Because I'd always kept on top of my credit, my limit had gone up a bit, and that shitty voice takes over and tells me "Spend all the money, and when you run out, just kill yourself, you'll never have to pay it back and you'll be gone, no consequences." And that's how I got into about £15k debt. And let me tell you, it was NOT worth it. I got some PC parts, I went on vacations, I bought a lot of things for friends, I threw the money around like it was nothing, ate out a lot, got fat, I had a good year or two with it, and the stupid thing is I enjoyed myself so much, that I managed to cheer myself up, I made good friends and connections, and kind of pushed the thoughts out of my head and started to realise I didn't want to die anymore... But now I was £15k in debt, and WAY worse off than when I started. I have fought this debt, for like 10 years straight, but for the longest time I was stuck between jobs, or minimum wage jobs, or giving up on life again, and it just wasn't moving anywhere, or I'd get in a bad situation and have to take out an emergency loan just to keep myself afloat to survive, and sometimes I even ended up in even more debt that I started with, until eventually a few years ago I had to start something called a Debt Management Plan. A Debt Management Plan consolidates all your debt into one place, freezes interest on all of your credit and lets you pay a more manageable amount every month, but basically destroys my credit as much as going bankrupt. This stops me from getting a car on finance unless I put a huge deposit first. This also stops me from living alone, because I need either a guarantor, or somebody to live with as a "this person can help you if you can't pay" sort of deal (Even though I am more than capable of looking after myself these days) but also because I need to save up a deposit. The issue with saving up for these deposits is that my Debt Management Plan takes ALL of my excess income from my payslips besides what I can put aside for bills and such. This means that I can't save up for a deposit on anything unless I make the money from some alternative source, such as commissions or streaming, which brings me to my current situation;

As I said before, if something bad happens to me the voice telling me to end things gets louder and harder to ignore the more stressed out I become, but I'm pretty good at handling things one at a time. This time I had just about the 3 worst things that could happen to me all happen at once, my car failed it's MOT and has gotta be scrapped, as it's £900 minimum just to fix the major faults, but it has so many minors, I may as well put that money in a paper shredder, and so I need to somehow get a new car. I am being kicked out of my home, so I now won't have anywhere to live, and lost my opportunity to move in with friends that I had plans with, so I have nowhere to go and as said before, can't move out alone. And finally, the company I work for just made everyone redundant with no redundancy pay, GAME is closing down and just fired me and everybody else, with the offer to re-hire us all at less pay for 0 hour contracts at their parent stores, and getting a new job without a car is near impossible. The issue with being made redundant and re-hired means that even if I do manage to work up a deposit, I can't move anywhere or get a car on finance, because one of the first credit questions you get asked is "How long have you currently been employed" and I now have to put 0 months, which is an automatic fail, and I won't even be considered. You might be able to see how hopeless my situation is now, and why the only solution I could see, was ending things. I wanted to have a nice goodbye for everybody, and then it would be all over, but I can't do it. I had too many friends trying to make sure I was okay, and because they're so nice, I know they'd all blame themselves for not doing more, when in reality, sometimes there is just nothing you can do... So thank you guys for accidentally saving me.

For what it's worth, I've actually managed to pay off £10k of my debt over the last few years, and I managed to get it down to £4739.33 as of making this post, so I've done pretty well I think, but it would seem not well enough, or not fast enough, and now I don't really know what to do other than keep holding on until I can get on top of things. My first goal is to pay off this debt, so that I can start saving money again and take control of my life, but to do that I need to get a new car so that I can earn money, so I'm going to start a fundraiser or something for that as I've had a million people all asking me to do one so that they can help.

I've tried to include as much info in this post as possible even though it would be impossible to include everything that's happened to me, because I believe in being totally transparent with my community and, I suppose I want people to know that everyone can go through hard times, and that you aren't alone for struggling. Sometimes you just.. Roll a bad roll and get an unlucky spawn. I've worked hard for over a decade now to try and get my life back on track, and sure there are things I could have done sooner or better, ways I could have coped a little healthier, and hell.. This post is proof that sometimes it does get too much, but I had friends that were there for me, people that refused to let me give up and made me keep trying, and people that are still trying to help me in the face of complete despair, so if they aren't gonna give up on me, maybe I shouldn't either.

Given that I may become homeless soon, I may be away from streaming, and may lose my PC, as if I need to sell it to survive I won't really have a choice. (And taking it on the street would be idiotic) but I will come back if and when I can, eventually. Hopefully I can find a way to prevent that, or somebody to move in with or something, we shall see. Lastly, I want to thank you for reading this, whoever you are, for taking the time to try and understand my struggles, and see how difficult my life has been. I appreciate you. I know that all of my struggles are my own fault, and I am not going to sit here and blame anyone else because I got myself into debt. I was mentally unwell, but I have paid more than enough for how I felt, and I just want to be happy for once, and not worry every month if I'm going to be able to afford to live. I deserve to be happy, and I'm going to work hard to become happy.

I will get better, and this is just a hiccup in things getting better. 💚

#goals #mental health #mental illness #fundrasier #twitch streamer #furry streamer

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