how do you trick your fail body into eating so you can get nutrience even though u do not feel hungry at all

Sometimes I have random plot thoughts on stories that I like reading or am writing and I just wanna talk about a few that keep squirming around in my mind.

Tachophobia AU: Random Idea... In an attempt to stop his friends from reverting Niko back to Sonic, Starline secretly takes them into the facility and starts manipulating them in similar but also different ways. They could interact if he wanted, but it'd be a "Psych Ward" situation.

Imprisonment/Cybernetic AU: I have done a lot of messed up shit to characters before, and this isn't any different. Just look at my Cybernetic AU because jeez Issue 4 went hard on Sonic's trauma. It was actually my favorite to write and draw. I also got all of the work done in FOUR DAYS. (strange record. Was going to see a friend soon and I cranked out 11 pages and finished right before midnight the day before)

I actually wing a ton of my writing, and many plots don't get off the ground unfortunately because of it. So to shoutout some of those abandoned comics... "Not So Different" (A short mini between Canon!Shadow and Cybernetic!Sonic bc I noticed how similar they were), that one mlp x sonic pony comic I only got one page done for and don't have a name for, another mlp x sonic crossover comic featuring the Paradox Prism I only got to the cover art for, and that Imprisonment AU comic I completely forgot about and... Unfortunately abandoned but idk might come back to it.

Shadow Prime AU: I've always wanted to make a comic adaptation of the fic, and I might come around to it eventually once I decide what I wanna do. The main issue is the art style... Do I want it fully colored, black and white, or selective coloring? Not too sure but I'm kinda leaning on fully colored. But I still gotta finish Cybernetic but it's on hiatus due to burnout.

Sonic Cybernetic AU: I've actually wished for a game adaptation of the comic. Or at least... Working models people could use for other games to add them. I just think that'd be neat, but I can't code or model for anything.

Sometimes I accidentally enforce personal headcanons or personal experience to my writing... This happened recently with the "Rollercoaster" fic from the Tachophobia AU (reminder: I just like it. I did not create it. That belongs to @boom-fanfic-a-latta and @the-sky-queen.) Because I unintentionally drew from my own experiences from an amusement park. Although they were exaggerated a bit, they're still oddly close to my original memories. When I was younger, I liked going to the County Fair, and for the longest time I hated fast rides. I'd always panic on them, and my favorite ride was this caterpillar one (it was also slow paced and kinda bumpy). And Niko's experience, albeit shifted to be more like his character, was exactly how I felt on my first fast ride... Absolutely fucking terrified. I also sometimes have a nervous stammer and suffer from anxiety issues, so... I might've unintentionally written Niko to feel similarly to me at amusement parks when I was younger.

Anyway, just some random stuff, wanted to info-dump too. Cool? Okay, bye!

To M anon!

I'm just copying what you write here, so I can put a 'read more' button under the TWs.

hi cas! I hope you're having a good day/night! so I kinda just want to get this off my chest a bit as well as maybe get some advice? I think I want to call myself M anon :]

TW: ED, general mental health issues (not mine)

so I've had this friend, D(not real initial) for several years now, but we've drifted apart and back together with covid and everything. in the past year or two as we've gotten even closer, she opened up to me about her struggles with mental health, specifically anorexia, anxiety and depression. I have tried my hardest to be a welcoming person for her, especially since I haven't personally had struggles with that.

in the last few months, her mental health has gotten worse, and she's been in and out of psychiatric wards and using risky coping strategies. coming to the present, she has been in one for around two weeks and I have had very little contact with her. around a week ago, one of her best friends, R(also not real name) texted me to let me know that she was going to call me soon. I spent a week waiting and getting no calls. today, I texted to ask if R had talked to D and how she was. She said that D was safe and okay (which I'm so grateful for) and where she is. I want to ash R more questions, but I don't want to come off as needy and possibly lose any contact, so what should I do regarding that?

also, if anyone knows how mailing works with psych wards, specifically if patients are allowed to give/receive mail (in the US) and what I would write on the envelope, please let me know!

Sorry, this got a bit long, but it's just a lot to deal with, especially since I'm 15 and I haven't told anyone about it before. there is one person that I could tell, but idk if I should because it's not really my thing to talk about, they wouldn't be able to do any more about it than me, and I usually tell them everything and this has been going on for so long without me saying anything.

Thanks so much for reading <33 if you have any advice, please lmk :]

Hi! I am so sorry you're dealing with all of this, it's SO much to handle at 15. It sounds like you're an amazing friend <3

So unfortunately, to contact someone in a psychiatric ward when they are underage, believe you need to get their information from their parents. Do you have contact with D's parents? A lot of times these wards will allow mailing or have a community phone that can be used.

If you can't get information, I do want to let you know that D is probably aware that you can't contact her. I'm sure she isn't offended that you've been out of contact, and no news is probably good news. If you're unable to contact her now, remind yourself that she's getting the help she needs. When she gets out, I'm sure she'll need people to lean on, and then you can be available. Also, remember that even though you care about her and she's your friend, it's not your responsibility to take care of her. It's okay to let the adults take over for a while. I know it's scary to not have all the information, but she's safe, and she's getting help. <3

Keep me updated if you like!

he was the most normal he’s been the last couple days, i don’t want to jinx it but im so thankful right now. even the hyper-religiousness is fading (THANK GOD LOL) i even reminded him saturday night about going to church and he was like “oh yeah i forgot about that” and then he didn’t go at all the next say. instead he cuddled and had fun with me lol the fuckin youth pastor guy still texted him giving him updates on who else got baptized or whatever but idk if my bf responded. please let this be over. that church is NOT the place for him, they are such conservative pieces of shit i do not want his gullible ass being groomed into bigotry and hatred by people he thinks are inherently good just bc they go to church. funny enough i fully resigned myself to going on sunday if he had asked too. obviously i DO NOT want to be there either but if it meant that much to him i would’ve. plus i could’ve steered him away from the worst of it hopefully… plus free coffee probably.

anyhow, today was his first day of orientation at his new job everybody clap and wish him luck!!!!! im worried about him of course, but i know he can handle it!! i just feel like it’s too early. he’s still having withdrawals like he JUST got out of the psych ward AGAIN two weeks ago and only switched his antipsychotics like 3 days ago…. i don’t want the stress of suddenly having to juggle a FULL TIME JOB trigger another episode. im fucking drained, idk if i could handle another one let alone if HIS brain can handle it. but luckily he was normal and wonderful the last couple days so again, there’s hope. and i know he’s going back to normal bc when i spend the night he cuddles me in his sleep again…

Sarah I’m sick and listening to folie on repeat and I just wanna know your analysis on disloyal order of water buffaloes

a lot of people say folie a deux breaks the pattern of every preh fall out boy album starting with ambient sound but that is NOT true. disloyal order of water buffaloes starts with the sound of a pool cue hitting a ball. its much more subtle than the ambient sound of all the other albums but its there and sets the tone of the album sounding like a drunk guy alone at a bar pouring out his problems.

the buzz buzz buzz is probably referring to pills based off how pete talks about the effects in his book, but also probably the endless press

pete has been officially arrested at least once but a lot of groupies told me the cops got involved a few times at least, additionally anybody whos been taken to the psych ward knows if you arent legit dying they send you in a cop car. (put him in the back of a squad car…) in the book after he takes too many pills he signs a paper saying he isnt suicidal so they let him go (hey doctor im certifiable). butterfly bandage is a bandage thats used for deeper cuts, so wrist slitting or maybe punching out a window or mirror as pete likes to do

“perfect boys with their perfect lives nobody wants to hear you sing about tragedy” is interesting imo because theres more fob songs bitching about how people only want depressed music (im sick of writing songs for you to slit your wrists to, my heart is like a stallion they love it more when its broken)

half doomed semi sweet people say is peterick so much idk if one of them said that or someone just made that up like the twin skeletons roof thing . loose bolt has a lot of other parallels like “i became such a strange shape from trying to fit in” in wilson

the little girl caught me staring odd telescopic camera nod line has never made a lot of sense to me but always reminded me of the part in his book where he has an F out at the mall and thinks the little kid is god so hes staring, theres also him having his house searched for cameras.

the lot lizard part is a reference to strippers and in the book he lies to a stripper saying he has a dead ex wife to scare her.

yea thats all i got

Questions 1, 2, skip a few, 99 100! ANSWER THEM ALL!!!!!!

LETS DO THIS

99 gay-ish asks

how tall are you?5 SOMETHING

what is your body type?SLENDERMAN

what is your favorite part about your body?THE T

is your current hair color your natural hair color?YES

are you more outgoing or more shy?SHY

are you more femme or butch?ITS COMPLICATED, BUT, BUTCH

are you tol or smol?APPARENTLY IM TWINK. NOT SURE WHERE THAT IS ON THIS SCALE

wine mom or vodka aunt?NO

weird habit?I EAT BREAKFAST FOOD AT ANY HOUR

favorite meme?VIBE CHECK, IM SMUG ABOUT MY URL

do you sing in the shower?NO BUT I USED TO. JUST SHY ABOUT ROOMMATES. I DO IN MY CAR

ever used a bow and arrow?NO, BUT MY BROTHER DESIGNED AND BUILT ONE, GOT IN TROUBLE FOR MAKING A WEAPON

are/were you a theatre kid?IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE IM ALLOWED TO HAVE AN EGO, YES

have you ever seen a broadway musical?NO

do you think musicals are cheesy?NO I THINK THEYRE JUST A MEDIUM OF ART

have you ever been a part of a protest or a march?NO WEIRDLY

favorite Cards Against Humanity Card?IDK THEM

last movie you watched?PROBABLY MEGEAMIND

behind the camera or in front of it?BEHIND. BUT BOTH IS GOOD

favorite tv show?AVATAR THE LAST AIRBENDER

meaning behind your urlTHE ACTUAL REASON IS IT REMINDS ME I CAN TRUST MY INTUITION

reason you joined tumblrA CRUSH WROTE IN MY YEARBOOK I SHOULD GET IT. DONT WRITE THAT IN PEOPLES YEARBOOKS

who’s your closest tumblr friend?THE PERSON ASKING ME 99 QUESTIONS

what’s something most people love that you hate?TACOS AT WORK. THEYRE POPULAR OF COURSE. I MAY NOT KNOW MY TACOS, BUT PLAIN RAW CABBAGE ON THEM MAKES ME DOUBT

have you ever taken narcotics?NO

have you had sex?NO

have you ever gotten caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?I DONT GET CAUGHT!!!! IM SO SNEAKY… AND TRAUMATIZED. I ONLY GOT CAUGHT WHEN PEOPLE WERE LIKE, HUNTING ME. NOT FAIR. ALSO HOW DO YOU “GET CAUGHT” FOR DOING NORMAL THINGS LIKE READING AND HAVING CLOTHES

worst/funniest lie you’ve ever told?PROBABLY THE REASSURING CHRISTIAN VALUES THINGS I TOLD MY PARENTS TO GET MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE. IT WAS THE FUNNIEST BECAUSE FOR SOMEONE INCONVENIENTLY TRUTHFUL, THAT WAS SOME PRETTY HARDCORE LYING IN A RIDICULOUS SITUATION, AND THE WORST BECAUSE WHAT A HORRIBLE THING TO HAVE TO DO. IT WAS HORRIBLE BECAUSE I WAS SO CONVINCING BECAUSE I MIXED IT WITH THE TRUTH I COULD SINCERELY EXPRESS

describe your passion without mentioning it.HEY GUYS IM WRITING CHAPTER 1 AGAIN I THINK I FIGURED IT OUT THIS TIME

describe your best friend.WARM STRONG RESILIENT UNCONDITIONALLY LOVING KINDLY HONEST CREATIVE TALENTED BRAVE HARDWORKING BEAUTIFUL ORIGINAL NURTURING SELF CONFIDENT

give us one thing about you that no one knows.NO ONE KNOWS THE GRITTY DETAILS OF SOME SAD MOMENTS IN MY PAST. DID YOU KNOW I HATE THE SMELL OF HOSPITAL FOOD FROM WHEN I VISITED A FAMILY MEMBER IN A PSYCH WARD

how do you feel right now?GOOD, I SHOULD PROBABLY GO TO BED THOUGH

what is your biggest fear?BREAKING SELF HARM STREAK

what’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?SING A SONG EARTH WIND AND FIRE

what is the best decision you’ve made in your life so far?LEAVING MY PARENTS. ITS TAKEN ME AGES TO UNLEARN SO MUCH SELF-DEFEATING STUFF

have you ever tried your hardest and then been disappointed in the end?MOSTLY EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE BUT IM CHILL

something you fantasize about.ACTUALLY DANCING TO MUSIC I LIKE. I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO DANCE BUT I WANT TO SFM

last time you cried and whyTHAT PREACHER GUY IN LUCIFER. IT SUCKED BUT IM SO BLOWN AWAY BY LUCIFERS ANGRY YELLING AT THE SKY. WHAT A GIANT MOOD

what was the last thing that made you laugh?MY SISTER ASKING ME WHAT DILF MEANT

do you really, truly miss someone right now?NO. IF I MISS SOMEONE, ITS A SIGN THEY WERE A BAG OF DICKS TO ME AND MESSED UP MY INNER CLARITY

who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?YOU

the last time you felt broken?WHEN MY TWO FRIENDS AT THE TIME GANGED UP ON ME AND ABANDONED ME AT A NOT PRETTY TIME IN MY LIFE. I COULDNT EAT WHICH AND I STILL STRUGGLE WITH EATING, I NEVER USED TO

are you starting to realize anything?THAT IF I RELY ON MY LIFE EXPERIENCE, ILL EXPECT TO FAIL AND SABOTAGE MYSELF, AND INSTEAD I NEED TO TAKE RISKS AND PUT FAITH IN MY FUTURE.

are you more dominant or more submissive?THERES EVIDENCE FOR BOTH, BUT I THINK THE LATTER IS JUST FROM ABUSE AND GIRL RULES

i’ll only date you if _____. (fill in the blank)WASH YOUR HANDS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

do you prefer to date people the same age as you, younger, or older?AROUND MY AGE THERE IS SOME UNDERSTANDING

describe the person you’re in love with/have a crush on in great detail.IM NOT IN LOVE I DONT EVEN HAVE A CRUSH. I MAY HAVE A SQUISH

do you have any kinks?MAYBE SO

first thing you notice in a person?HOW THEY HANDLE STRESS AND PROBLEMS, IF THEY BLAME/GET ANGRY, OR IF THEY ARE COMPASSIONATE AND PATIENT. LOOKING FOR RED FLAGS

how can someone win your heart?FOOD. CHEESECAKE WAS A POWER MOVE. BONDING… OVER FOOD. I HAVE HAPPY MEMORIES ATTACHED TO BEVERAGES.

been rejected by a crush?YES

have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?YES

would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?NO

is trust a big issue for you?YES

did you hang out with the person you like recently?NO

is confidence cute?YES, SELF LOVE LOOKS GOOD ON PEOPLE

what would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?GOOD FOR THEM. I DONT LIKE ANYONE RIGHT NOW

would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?NO. GIGGLING LIKE A LUNATIC IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF MY LIFE AND YOU NEED TO KEEP UP

does the person you have feelings for right now know you do?IF THEYRE FEELINGS, PROBABLY, BECAUSE IM TRANSPARENT

ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?IVE HAD MY EMBARRASSMENT GLANDS REMOVED FOR MY FTM TRANSITION

do you want to get marriedYEAH WHEN IM FIFTY THEN ILL GET A BUNCH OF DOGS AND CATS AND CHICKENS

worst thing you’ve ever done?APPARENTLY IVE BORROWED BOOKS AND NEVER RETURNED THEM

three things that turn you on.IM GOING THRU PUBERTY 2, TEENAGE BOY EDITION, IT DOESNT TAKE MUCH

who do you hate?I DONT LIKE SUCH SIMPLE CATEGORIES, BUT I START TO FEEL HATRED WITH REPEATED CRUELTY/WHEN SOMEONE REFUSES TO HEAR ME

favorite term of endearment?MY FRIEND

who was your celebrity/fictional gay awakening?I DIDNT REALLY HAVE TVS/POP CULTURE GROWING UP LIKE MOST PEOPLE, PROBABLY FOUND IT IN CREATIVE WRITING

intimidating girls or kind girls?KIND

what do you look for in a possible partner?EQUALITY

do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls?YES

are you good at flirting?PERHAPS. WHEN IM NOT THINKING ABOUT IT

who was the first person you came out to?I DONT ACTUALLY REMEMBER. A HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND. IT WAS A STRESSFUL COMPLICATED TIME, MY WORLD WAS UPSIDE DOWN, IT WAS GRADUAL

do you have any friends who are wlw?PROBABLY

is your crush wlw?IDK

last person to make you reconsider your sexuality?A DOUCHE CANOE UNFORTUNATELY

write a short love poem to your crush/self?DEAR PERSON,THANK YOU FOR THE CHEESECAKEIT WAS SO GOODBUT ONLY BECAUSE IT WAS FROM YOU

do you fall in love easily?NO. I WISH I DID. I COULD USE THE HIGH TO GET STUFF DONE

is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?I HATE TALKING ABOUT THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL HUMILIATED AND ASHAMED, SO I JUST DONT. I ALSO HATE TALKING ABOUT SELF HARM BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW HOW. AM I GOING TO TRIGGER PEOPLE? AND IT IS SHROUDED IN SHAME AND FEAR.

are you good at hiding your feelings?YES, WHEN I CONSCIOUSLY MAKE AN EFFORT TO

are you a forgiving person?NO. I USED TO BE ALL ABOUT FORGIVENESS, AND GREW UP FORGIVING ABUSIVE CYCLES, IT WAS SO UNHEALTHY. NOW I FEEL LIKE A CROW HOLDING GRUDGES FOR CENTURIES, AND I DONT WANT TO BE BITTER EITHER – I OFTEN FEEL BAD FOR NOT FORGIVING, EVEN IF ITS JUST FORGIVENESS FOR MY OWN SAKE. BUT ITS A NEW DEVELOPMENT THAT IM ALLOWING MYSELF TO FEEL ANGRY, BE TRUTHFUL ABOUT BEING WRONGED, WANT JUSTICE FOR MYSELF. AND MAYBE SOME THINGS SHOULDNT BE FORGIVEN.

what is your “type?”I DONT KNOW. I RECENTLY STARTED GROWING SOME SELF WORTH, AND I DONT THINK THE PEOPLE IVE SOUGHT OUT TO RELIVE MY PAIN COUNTS

fall asleep in her arms or rub her back until she falls asleep in yours?LAST ONE

tall girls or short girls?BOTH IS GOOD

hugs or kisses?HUGS

twirl her around or get twirled?I WANNA TWIRL PEOPLE

tummy kisses or thigh kisses?BOTH

hairline kisses or neck kisses?NECK

play with her hair or stroke her tummy?PLAYING WITH HAIR

making out or soft kisses?MAKING OUT

hugs around the neck or hugs around the waist?WAIST

how confident are you in your sexuality?I THINK PEOPLE WOULD ASSUME IM NOT. IM SHY, AND MY NERDY CHRISTIAN VIBE ISNT GOING ANYWHERE. IM ALSO JUST BEGINNING TO LIVE AS MYSELF AND IM RELEARNING EVERYTHING. BUT WHEN IT COMES TO REALLY KNOWING MYSELF IM CONFIDENT

when you like someone do you blush or get butterflies in your stomach?NO. I WILL START CRANKING OUT ART AND FOCUS LESS THAN USUAL

have you ever liked a friend as more than a friend? did you tell them?YES

how old were you when you realized you were into girls?20ISH BUT THE SIGNS WERE THERE LONG BEFORE

most embarrassing thing you’ve done in front of a cute girl?I GOT MY EMBARRASSMENT GLANDS REMOVED REMEMBER

do you have a favorite lesbian ship? is it canon?I DONT KNOW MANY BUT IM HAPPY FOR THE CANON MARCELINE AND BUBBLEGUM

what is the most aggravating thing someone has said to you about your sexuality?MY SISTER PROJECTING ABOUT HER LIFE. WE HAVE CONSERVATIVE MISOGYNIST PARENTS BUT WE ARE VERY DIFFERENT PEOPLE AND IT DID NOT AFFECT US IN THE SAME WAY

when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter?I FEEL LIKE IM FORGETTING SOMETHING NICE A STRANGER SAID ONCE

what is love to you?NOT SOMETHING YOU DISPENSE AT YOUR CONVENIENCE. ITS A WAY OF LIVING – IF YOU LOVE YOURSELF, YOU LOVE OTHER PEOPLE, AND YOU LOVE THE WORLD AROUND YOU AND TAKE CARE OF IT. ITS NEITHER FAWNING NOR CONTROL – ITS ACCEPTANCE

ask me anything.YOU DIDNT ASK ME ANYTHING SO IM JUST GOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. IVE BEEN EATING POPCORN CHICKEN WITH HONEY

why not next talk about my trip to the psych ward

This is also a long story, and a fun one!

So skipping to the hospital:

I was locked in a fucking room, and the lady was like “you need to take off all your clothes and put on the gown.

Well bitch, I’m still having a panic attack and I’m not just gonna get naked. So like, it took a while but eventually after threatening to get security (who was literally just some old dude, so YUCK. Even though I could have easily broken him I didn’t want more cops because I fucking hate police) I managed to get the gown on. It was BULLSHIT too because they were like “oh yea its so you arent hiding any sharp objects” like BITCH YOU METAL DETECTS AND FRISKED ME BEFORE I ENTERED and in ADDITION I can easily hide shit in this gown you dumbass” so that pissed me off. So then like, I had to pee like 20 times that night, each time I had to be escorted by a guy who looked a lot like my friend Glenn from when I worked at DOminos pizza. So then like, I watched the Home Shopping network, which I ADAMANTLY referred to as “the history and science network” and corrected anyone that asked what I was watching. so then ya know, they took my blood, I saw Jesus because she missed the vein and sucked out my actual power levels (which I’m SURE was the point, to weaken me) and I was being a little ham, making jokes, etc. Anyways, my dad was there the whole time and it was annoying because I hate him and he wouldnt leave. SO then like, this WEIRD dude would come in and be like “hey so what we doin” and I’d say “thats YOUR job cowboy” and shoo him away. idk I was nuts. 

So cowboy comes back in and is like “alright the paramedics are on their way” and then these 2 dudes come in. And let me tell you, this part SUCKED. I had to pee AGAIN, but they strapped me into the bed with wheels and took me into the truck. I fell asleep in the struck and had a huge boner because I had to pee (don’t ask because idk) so it was weird. But then I GOT to the second hospital and let me tell you this is where shit went down:

I get airlocked in, and this BIG dude who I SWEAR claimed he wanted to be called Santa Claus comes out from “The Island” and is like “alright here’s your room” and I finally got to piss. But I needed a door, so....

Theres these like, weird “painting” things that we used as doors for the bathrooms. We couldnt have real doors because we were dangerous suicide kids. So like, I didnt KNOW this though, I thought it was just a bathroom painting. I was fully ready to rip this fucking painting off the wall, and use it as a door. Thankfully, that’s what it was for. So I pee, go get my vitals taken by Bry(i?)an. Then, I get to order breakfast WHICH NEVER CAME BY THE WAY FUCK YOU SANTA. and the rest of my meals. I ordered light because I had no idea how this shit worked. Everyone was like “that’s all you want/?” like IDK HOW SHIT WORKS FOOL???

So heres a quick rundown of my experience:

The other kids were all younger, there was only like, maybe 2-3 other kids my age the whole time and I was there for like 5 days. 

One kid turned 18 while he was there, so he just left.

Some of the kids seemed to just LIVE there, which was a terrifying thought

every night we could watch movies, and we had a fucking blast with ratatouille.

The staff, for some reason, did NOT like it when we would get along. Like obviously they didnt want us to fight, but they were kinda pissy when we would be friendly and talk. 

You couldnt exchange contact info or touch anyone, like, no high fives (not even to staff) or anything.

Now for the people, or the characters, since they can’t be real, I don’t believe they exist and I fucking MET them:

Garion “Big Papa” (who was literally like, fuckin, 12? idk): Garion was the FIRST person I met when I got there. I sat next to him at Spiritual Session (watered down religion) and he kept saying shit like “You’re handsome, you’re gonna be mine” like a fucking prisoner claiming me as his bitch. Made me super uncomfortable and feel safe at the same time. Has quotes such as: “It’s over ashy legs, you’ll be my slave!” and “PREPARE FOR EL DRAGON!”

Eric: First thing I heard him say was “I ain’t tryna BE here” in a deep voice. From then on, he was a regular kid. Idk what the fuck was up with that

I forgot his name but he’s the one Garion called “Ashy Legs”: Kid was like, WHITE, like his skin was SO pale, but insisted his dad was black and he was black, therefore could say the N word. None of us cared enough to dispute it, and he was known for being aggressive so especially no reason to dispute it. Liked anime and video games though, was kinda cool I guess.

Jordan: idk she would never eat with us in the “dining hall” which was just the common room. Probably had some anxiety shit going on.

Little african american girl I forgot her name: Hated Blaze, that’s all I can really say about her. She seemed normal idk why she was there. She’d been there the whole time I was there, and I stayed like, the maximum average so.....

Blaze: dude this kid was NUTS. he was like, 12, first night in he SCREAMED and woke everyone the fuck up because he wouldnt like, calm the fuck down idk. No one would explain it that next morning. He was SO insufferable. Like, idk what his issues were but just as a person he was whiny and obnoxious. Like everyone else there was fucked up somehow and could hold a conversation or at least shut the fuck up. I get it I’m not being nice, but he arrived on the night of day 1 and was an ass the whole time, so I don’t really care. You try living with this kid for 4 fucking days in a locked up psych ward. 

THIS ONE TINY KID THAT WAS SO INTENSE: Ok so when I talk about the Psych Ward I usually forget him because he was so small, but this kid like, would NOT talk, and SHIT himself constantly. He was SO small but was clearly like, a bit older. Younger than Garion and them but still not like, a baby idk. I’d say maybe 7??? Anyways, he would shit like, everywhere, and would rarely be let out of his room to do things. I rarely saw him thankfully because he would just, shit, everywhere. 

everyone else was normal. A lot of people were only there for like, a day or so

I also got credit for going to school, and all I had to do was some EASY like, 1st grade level shit. It was a breeze.

The food was good, like, REALLY good.

I also really fell into my depression at times though, and really got into my whole “not having a good mom” thing. Like my mom is better than some out there, but both my parents are just in general shit, like actually. If you’d heard about them like my like, close friends have and heard shit directly from them you’d get it. Anyways, there were a lot of female nurses and I just got reminded how shitty my mom was. I almost asked one of the nurses to sing to me at night, but that would have been weird so I didn’t (like, REALLY weird)

So yea I mean there was a LOT of stuff, and I can always post updates as I remember and care. I wrote it all down in discord somewhere when it happened, but it was like 5 full days. Later I’ll write down everything I saw on the way back, when I forgot my school supplies because my retard dad brought them

Life is great, guys. :) (It really does get better.)

So I just wanted to talk about this for a minute coz for those of you who don’t know, this blog isn’t like an aesthetic blog or whatever; it’s a personal blog. I’m usually flooding it with verbose text posts, vlogs, selfies and whatnot. I haven’t been able to do that since finally pursuing my passion of medicine because the field is all-consuming. But I’m back for like another week or so, kind of. Lol. I’m going to be writing up an update on what’s going on and why I disappeared for so long and all that because I’m doing some REALLY COOL STUFF! :D And I’m excited to share it with everyone! :) I really missed you guys and I missed my blog. I may not get that text post up tonight, but here’s this one. Lol.

I know I have said I beat my depression before, but even now as I have slipped back into a depressive state and even seriously had points where I considered suicide, life is still really great. I even had a night where I relapsed for the first time in 2 years and gave myself exactly 3 cuts and had pills laid out ready to OD and you know what? The decision to text my next door neighbour (who is turning into a good friend) to come over and chat instead of going any further with all of that was SUCH an easy decision to make.

You all know how impulsive I am. I’m on the extreme end of the borderline  personality disorder spectrum. I’m as impulsive as they come. Even as depressed as I can get sometimes, overall, I’m still happy. And I want to illustrate how that can be so that everyone with depression can understand exactly HOW it gets better and what you have to look forward to in life.

There was a time when I was having a total breakdown on my closet floor. Like, panic attack and all. Couldn’t breathe, felt like I was legitimately going to die, had my phone on 911 with my thumb over dial because I really did feel like I was dying from the panic attack. As I laid there, sobbing and gasping for air, torn between “I wish I would just die” and “I should call 911 coz I feel like I’m dying”, my panic attack began to subside. As it did, I laid there sobbing unable to get up, unable to even move. But what was the very first thing my mind thought at that moment as my mind began to clear? Normally, I would think “God, I just want to die” or maybe thinking of ways to kill myself or ways to justify killing myself. But no. I didn’t. The very first thing I thought was “Wow, I’m so glad I’m alive. My life is the best it has ever been, it is so wonderful and I am so happy. I wouldn’t want to lose it.”

In that moment, after a horrible breakdown, all I could think about was how happy I was and how great my life was.

And even now, despite me being more depressed and suicidal than I have been in 2, maybe even 3 years now, I feel more motivated, driven, content, in control of my own destiny, powerful and like I really enjoy the life I’m waking up into than I ever have in my entire life. For once, I don’t mind waking up into *my* life. Sure, I would change it in a fucking heartbeat if I could. I think everyone has at least one thing about their life they would change. But I’m now one of those people that wakes up and feels motivated and excited to take on the day more often than not, instead of waking up with pain and this unbearable weight holding you down in bed not allowing you to even get up. I’m no longer that person that wakes up and just instantly bursts into tears and does everything in their power to go back to sleep. Those days are finally over for me... I dare say for good.

I don’t know what I did to deserve being happy. . . but I’ve worked so goddamn hard to get to this point. I’ve taken all the right steps over all these years and I guess it has all paid off. I’ve gone through a decade worth of finding the right combination of medications. I’ve finally found the right psychiatrist/psychologist team for med management and therapy. I’m exercising every day, I’m starting to do a bit of yoga, I’m trying to eat right and *trying* to learn to cook (even though it isn’t going well lol), I’m not starving myself anymore, I’m going to physical therapy once a week, I’m keeping myself busy, I’m exercising my mind constantly, I’m doing all the “homework” my therapist sends me home with every week...

After ALL the trial and error of sorting through therapist after therapist... I FINALLY found which “kind” of therapists work for me and which don’t so I can INSTANTLY tell from almost the very first session now if they are going to work for me or not. If I can’t tell, then by the end of the month, I’ll know for sure. I know all the coping mechanisms in the book and I now utilize every one that works for me. And when my therapists ask me what I need from them, I know exactly what to tell them.

I have worked SO. GODDAMN. HARD. ...and it has paid off. It has FINALLY paid off.

I Pavloved my brain honestly. And it worked.

See, my VERY FIRST psychologist as an adult told me I had “Learned Helplessness”, which I did, due to my mother, who is still trying to inflict it on me. It had caused a *LOT* of my depression. This psych had suggested to me that I do corrected thinking, which I’m sure a lot of you are familiar with.

It’s where every time you have a negative/bad/degrading/those kind of thought(s), you *immediately* correct it in your mind and if possible aloud, as well. I thought that was stupid back when I was 18. I thought everything was stupid back then. That psych tried so hard with me and kept me for a year before she finally had to discharge me for noncompliance after I refused to speak for like.... 10 sessions. Idk why she tried so hard for so long, honestly.

Fast forward like... at least 5(?) years from that time.

I was living with my parents after one of those many traumatic break ups I had. Idr which one. But it was one that reminded me of my learned helplessness. And I was in with a new psychologist and they told me the same thing and I was like “oh”. So I started doing it.

Fast forward like a year later. It’s now a habit. I’m now doing it subconsciously without me even realizing it. But the bad thoughts are still the primary thought and I’m still having to correct myself. It’s just that I’m not consciously doing the correcting anymore.

Fast forward to that moment in the closet. That was the first time I realized that my negative thoughts are no longer the primary thoughts anymore. The corrected thoughts are now the primary thoughts. Those were things that I had been telling myself over and over to try to convince myself to believe it. “Fake it till you make it.” My psychs had always told me “even if it isn’t true, if you tell it to yourself enough times, you can make yourself believe it”. Now, studying medicine, I know why. It all makes sense now. Conditioning is so real. And it works. It changed the entire way I think and go about life. My outlook on just about everything has totally changed and the way I do things has just flipped. Things that would have sent me to a psych ward for a suicide attempt in the past in like 0.2 seconds are now motivators for success for me and give me reason to keep doing what I love. It’s unreal what positive conditioning can do if you just change your entire outlook by devote yourself to correcting all your negative thinking every single time until your brain starts doing it on its own.

I’m going to buy a clicker that they use on dogs and click it every time I feel motivated because that’s something I still sometimes struggle with more than happiness and I need motivation more than I need happiness, honestly. (I had to pick one or the other; Can’t pick both, you have to focus in on just one when doing this.) So I’m trying to sort of...bottle motivation, if you will. If I can just click it every time I feel a rush of motivation, which is at random throughout the day multiple times a day, in about a year or two time (I hope, maybe longer), I’ll be able to click it and get a rush of motivation from the sound. :)

ANYWAYS.

I know I post a lot about my journey with mental illness, so I just wanted to let you guys know that, uh... it hasn’t changed. My “it gets better” posts are still happening. It did get better. It stayed better. Just because I feel suicidal or depressed sometimes doesn’t mean it isn’t better anymore. It is still very much better and I am still very much as happy as can be. I am allowed to feel suicidal and depressed within my bubble of overall happiness. That’s what a lifetime of major depressive disorder and suicidal ideation can do to someone. I still feel like I beat depression even though it is a bit more prevalent in my life now than it has been in a long time. I feel I beat it because I can deal with it so much better than I ever have been able to do before. It’s so much more than sadness, but it’s not something that is going to ruin me and kill me like I was in danger of prior to this transformation, if that makes sense. I’ll kill it before it kills me.

So.

I’m going to write up that update post on what is going on in my life. Why I just disappeared off the face of the planet all last month and a little before that and a little after and so on and so forth. I’M DOING SOME REALLY COOL THINGS, YOU GUYS, AND I’M SO EXCITED FOR THE COMING FALL SEMESTER!!!!!! :D

Be sure to read that whenever I get it posted up! ...maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow. Idk. Probably tomorrow, honestly. [shruggy emoji] I’ve got a lot going on right now, but everything is so much slower paced than I’m accustomed to at this point so I feel like I have so much free time. Haha.

Anywayyyyys...

It gets so much better, you guys. Just hold on till it does. And if you ever need anyone to vent to, just hop on in my inbox. Anon is always on! I don’t wanna lie, but chances are, I probably won’t answer you for like... weeks to months at a time to be totally honest coz I’m hella busy, but know I’ll read them! I always do. :)

-KQR

I just found an old notebook with some prose in it, from who knows when. I don’t remember writing it. It looks like my high school handwriting, I think. I don’t remember this at all.

Update: Beginning of senior year, I think. There’s a page later on with notes for TOK homework and to make a twitter account that was necessary for history (yes, really).

I’m...trying to wrap my head around what I apparently wrote, over several sessions by the look of it. It’s...horror-that much I can say. It’s got a similar atmosphere to some other horror I wrote. I have/had this tendency to write horror taking place in small apartments, with my writing putting heavy emphasis on little, normal environmental details like a train passing by or the heat rising off the sidewalk or a fan blowing loose papers around. Normal stuff that I could juxtapose with stuff that clearly wasn’t normal.

It’s...interesting. I don’t know where I was going with this. There’s one concept I wrote in middle school that I later turned into a full short story in high school that it kind of reminds me of, but it’s also entirely different. I almost want to re-visit this and that other story now.

Summary of what I can make of this story below. Triggers in tags.

There’s...I think a little girl named Clairice, and she lives with this guy named Yuri. Yuri is a young doctor, still finishing up medical school? And he apparently brought home a dead patient’s medical files.

When he’s gone, Clairice deadbolts the front door to read it. It belongs to a patient named Michelle Raymond. Yuri’s notes on her are uncharacteristically messy and haphazard.

Michelle had returned to the hospital a few hours after leaving, having been dismissed as having a mild skin irritation. Yuri’s hand print was on her arm but no one else except him could see it? Anyways it turned into a full-on rash, stomach cramps, and increased irritability. When she saw Yuri she fell into hysterics and tried to bite him. She got sent to the psych ward. Other creepy physical anomalies occurred, and they found some deep tissue wounds near where she initially complained about skin irritation. Yuri made a note about the coroner finding rust and fingernail pieces in the damaged tissue, but no blood-implying that Michelle died some times between her visit and Yuri bringing the file home. The file ended there. There’s a death certificate noting self-mutilation, asphyxiation, and internal bleeding.

Yuri comes home at some point, and at first just chats on about an anatomy test he’d struggled with that day while he makes coffee. A stray paper reveals Clairice’s snooping, and he sits down and explains the aftermath.

Yuri killed Michelle Raymond? She was displaying almost supernatural strength and flexibility and acting, as Yuri called it, ‘feral’, before breaking into a seizure. When he was trying to hold her down so she didn’t hurt herself, blood started coming out of...everywhere, and he couldn’t get a firm grip, and at some point just ended up strangling her. Like, there’s something missing here like high school me was implying but didn’t write, I guess.

Clairice and Yuri don’t speak for several days, during which time Yuri keeps weird hours and comes home smelling like rubbing alcohol. On Sunday, when she enters the living room, he very casually asks her a question:

“Clairice...How well do you remember your brother? Do you remember how he held your dead body?” And Clairice naturally starts to panic as he continues to ask her questions about when she was older than him, when she could talk, and...when she committed suicide. She tries to run but he grabs her. He has a knife. He says he promised on her brother’s grave that he wouldn’t harm her, and he’s sorry his words hurt her, but he needs her to do something and he needs her to hate him so that she can do it.

There’s...a really, really creepy vibe in this scene, and I’m trying to downplay it a little. I think it was meant to be like yandere-like romantic but I look back and my brain is like NOPE.

Anyways, implied flashback to explain that Clairice committed suicide when she was 15, after Yuri (who was 14) rejected her. And then, after she died...her next memory is 15 yo Yuri crying over her new body.

Now that I’m reading it a second time, I think that Yuri is 30 and Clairice is 20, because her reincarnated body was 5 and it’s been 15 years since. I hope I’m reading that right.

Cut back to the present, and Clairice and Yuri are preparing to do something she implies is either an operation or a ritual. Apparently Yuri has some kind of ‘touch’ and they need to figure out where it ends before they can continue.

So he moves an unlit match over his right hand, and at his palm it spontaneously lights and quickly consumes the match, which he throws on the tile before he burns his fingers. The tar that remains smells like ‘molasses and spoiled meat’. I have no idea how I came up with that scent, and I can’t fully imagine it, but just in concept it sounds bad. He keeps doing this up his arm, until at his elbow (on the eighth match) they stop combusting.

Long story short, he has Clairice cut off his entire right forearm.

Some kind of cut to Yuri explaining things in the living room. I guess he took care of the wound. He is exhausted but surprisingly calm as he explains what happen after she died.

Clairice had a brother, a college senior named Joseph. He adored his little sister, and after he found her body he called Yuri, cussed him out, and demanded he come over to move the body.

Except when Yuri got there, it was painfully clear that Joseph wasn’t going to hide the body. Joseph was going to try to bring her back to life.

I’m just gonna quote Yuri’s lines to finish this off:

“We...did things that night Clairice. Things I wouldn’t force anyone to do, things that still haunt me...And in order to bring you back, he cursed and killed himself. I tried to stop him-grab him-hold him back, and by doing so I ended up with (that) accursied hand. How could I face anyone after that, knowing I’d caused the death of one person and facilitated that of another?”

And that’s where it ends.

--

There’s...a lot to process there. Part of me feels like it was meant to fit into the world of the other horror story I wrote (a deserted-looking town where monsters beyond explaining wander freely and try to get to the people holed up in the buildings, who live and interact via a system of underground tunnels; it ended up getting a similar apartment-based story that went in an entirely opposite direction).

I guess Yuri’s cursed hand did something to Michelle Raymond that resulted in all the weird physical horror? How did her get through med school with a hand like that? Or did the curse just recently start acting up, and why?

Why are there never parents in my horror stories? It’s always like...a young man and a slightly younger woman. My best guess here is that Yuri couldn’t face Joseph and Clairice’s parents, who lost both their children in one night, so he ran away with her in order to keep his promise to Joseph?

Honestly I kinda want more of the story of 15yo Yuri trying to take care of a little girl (that used to be older than him and have a crush on him), and probably failing horribly, but apparently he somehow made it work well enough to get his GED (since I doubt he stayed in town) and then go to med school.

Also Clairice apparently couldn’t speak but he didn’t bother to try to learn/teach her sign language?

IDK I guess high school me had some stuff going on and expressing it frequently took the form of runaways, cramped apartments, and body horror (based on both stories and the whole concept of Harpy). Also shadow demons.

I don't think I've ever been so alone in my adult life. I mean, it almost rivals 2017 except...even then... I had friends, even if I was single.

I feel bad for my partner. It's always just us. I know she will never get sick of me, nor I her but... both of us need more. It feels crippling. All of my anarchist friends are gone to memory, all of my musician friends, too, it doesn't matter back home, or here now. The saddest thing is - it's all Covid. None of this would've happened without Covid... the terminal drifting. It truly is. All the people who said they were my family, lies. No one ever prioritized us, whether I was feeling six feet buried myself from grieving mom and G, or whether now - just resurfacing for air 8 months later, the dirt still fresh burying my shoulders.

My new boss is kind to me. My coworkers like me. The trans shopkeeper at the shop two doors down invited us out to drink but... we aren't really drinkers. It's getting gloomy, but down here in s. calif, it's still 70 in the middle of november. I took my guitar in today for repairs, after digging my amps out, so I can play again. I bought a pleather jacket that's light enough to wear - never mind the stack of leather jackets I have in my closet. Here's the deal: one of them is history, another is history with shrinking sleeves, another is getting too tight, another is too big and we bought it when mom died, another she got me when G died...I can't bear to wear it. I'm gaining weight, likely due to hormonal issues (PCOS or something? Idk they won't tell me) or CP post-impairment syndrome, who knows. It doesn't stop. I've never gained weight in my life this quickly. I cringe to even get new pants before they're already too small again. I sweep the patio, I make sure to hydrate... I relish in the silly messages I exchange with my father about cell phone plans - he is a pain the ass but he is my father and my last real family member. Every day I grieve this. I wish I could tell G. "Today dad did this..." as if G were my real dad. For awhile, I felt that he was.

I can't outrun the grief. Every few nights, or every other week, I remember what has happened. Over and over. My coworker tells me about how her mom is crazy and destitute and her dad died a few years ago. She stopped playing music, and her sister turned bad. It reminded me of mom dying, how I began gaining weight, how my own brother became a deadbeat and strung out on heroin after cheatin on his wife with a woman he met in the psych ward (who OD'd as a suicide)... at least I'm not alone, even if me and my coworker don't know the gritty details of the others' life. At least I'm not alone in that regard. Even if... I truly feel alone. It's been so long since I missed my longest friend who I haven't truly been friends with in so long - the man who I felt ruined my life in a way, emotionally. I missed the version of him I knew first. The one I spent years unmissing. It didn't last long, but the twinge of that particular pain made me realize how sad it was...that there was no one else, not even the lowest shit that could be swept under a house and left to burn. Even my own disgusting loathesome mother. All gone. 11.19.21

i wish people wouldn't talk so casually about suicide. especially my family and other people who know. my sister, for example, works with kids with eating disorders and sometimes she'll just casually mention that a kid wanted to or tried to kill themselves. like that sucks, and i hate that anyone has to feel that way, but i wish she would just be a bit more understanding about how that might make someone else feel. I'm not suicidal anymore, but i still remember how awful it feels to be suicidal. for years i couldn't think about the months leading up to my suicide attempt without crying, and it's still difficult. thinking about it is just really difficult for me. idk if it's because I feel like i never really talked about it or processed it or what. i was in the hospital for 5 days and the first 2 or 3 days i was still really out of it (like there's an entire day and parts of other days that i don't remember). when i could finally think rationally (not super high on a lethal amount of meds or in shock), i acted like i was okay because i wanted to get the hell out of there and go to school. the same day i was released from the hospital, i went to school. this was less than a week after my attempt. i went to math class when had been in the psych ward earlier that day. within a week, i was back to not doing my homework or paying attention in school or caring about anything and wanting to hurt myself. i did like a 6 hour a day program instead of school for a bit, but looking back, i don't think that actually helped me process how i felt and what had happened. i guess it was just to get me out of school and somewhere where i couldn't hurt myself. that therapy program was not great compared to a program i did at another place both before my attempt and a year later, and i felt very uncomfortable at that place. i was a 15 year old honors student from the suburbs, and most of the other people there were from the city (this place in a suburb closer to the city than were i live) and they were more the kind of kids who did drugs and didn't do well in school. of course they were there to get help, but i felt like i was very different from them. at the other place, everyone was from the suburbs and lots of people cared a lot about school and stuff. however, at the place i didn't like, it was a much smaller group and we got to share a lot more about ourselves, and we had all attempted suicide. anyways, maybe i just don't like people casually mentioning suicide because it reminds me of being suicidal and attempting suicide and that still is hard for me to think about maybe because i never really processed it?

sorry for the rant. this is just something that's been on my mind lately. for over 3 years now, i find myself thinking about my suicide attempt and it's very distracting. like right now i need to work on some assignments that are due in a few hours but i can't stop thinking about all that suicide attempt shit. i think it might have to do with the fact that im really struggling with school right now and i feel like I'm not good enough or cut out for college or biomedical engineering, which just kind of leaves me feeling directionless and unmotivated.

BIG ASS MENTAL BREAKDOWN RANT DO NOT READ ITS SUPER TRIGGERIG BUT IM SELF DESTRUCTIVE AND POSTING IT ANYWAYS BECAUSE I CRAVE ATTENTIONM

My rapist is getting arrested within the next couple days. I’m scared of going to court since I’m quite sure it’s going to go there and fuck idk. I sleep in past my counselling sessions because I can’t fall asleep at night and when I’m finally able to sleep I don’t want to wake up for as long as possible. I can’t get over the fact that I am a burden, financially and mentally, to my entire family. My entire existence consists of me sleeping, eating, pissing, shitting, crying, flashbacks, panic attacks, dissociation, self harming and mental breakdowns. I’m physically incapable of doing anything else but until this shit goes to court I’m just going to try as hard as I can to survive. I haven’t even been able to see any psychiatrists or psychologists to get even a fucking diagnosis because I’m just such a fucking burden and they can smell it from a mile away. I’ve tried contacting ducking DOZENS of people but none are interested. Not even the people who are paid to help me want to get anywhere near me. I genuinely want to do a suicide attempt just so people understand how much being raped has ruined me, maybe then I’ll get help. I just don’t want to bring any attention to it or do it before we go to court and he gets his charges just in case it means I’ll be stopped from doing it in the future. I’m still under 18 so at least the public mental health care is still alright for me, I have no ducking clue what I’m going to do in a years time becausethen I’ll be locked up with literal criminals because of the actions of what one person did to me one night. I’ve been told for 10 months things will get better. Sure I’m not as depressed cause I’m on anti depressants but now I can actually feel all of the pain constantly overwhelming me and the only thing that stops it is the physical pain caused by me literally cutting my own goddamn skin open, how fucked is that and how fucked am I? There’s something strangely grounding and satisfying about running my fingertips over the fresh scabs that form after i cut. I’m worried I’ll scar myself permanently too if I do it too often or too deep. I don’t want other people judging and assuming my story, when telling it puts me in danger for manipulation and more pain. Even though they will help me keep away from those who think down on people who have and do self harm I don’t want to have a reminder of this pain every time I look down at my arms or see my shoulders in the mirror. Fuck I also miss how it feels to have a strong romantic bond with a partner. I got a boyfriend a couple months ago and he was fucking perfect, but my issues triggered his depression so he left me. You’re always #1, I understand that, but everyday I miss the safety and feeling that everything’s going to be okay that I felt when we texted, he spoke to me and when I was in his arms. I fucking hate myself, there’s nothing wrong with my body physically I literally couldn’t give a shit about that, but just the fact that it was _this_ body that was raped absolutely disgusts me. I shouldn’t expect anyone to love me while I feel this way about myself, using people as emotional crutches is toxic and unhelpful but in the moment it makes me feel almost okay and compared to the rest of my existence fucj that’s so incredible. The only times I’ve been happy this year was when I was high. Fuck it feels so good to just not have everything swirling around in my head constantly and to be able to just chill out and laugh, without immediately remembering how pathetic I really am. The other upside is that my senses heighten and sex is fucking brilliant, plus I normally have no bad reactions after it and I can just vibe without the risk of a flashback at any point. The fact that I’m actually happy when I smoke is the reason why I don’t smoke ever. It’s too painful after to have such a recent memory of it, which makes me want to smoke more until it would trap me in a viscous loop which I cannot afford. I’ve actually never paid for weed cause I normally smoke when I sleep with guys and obviously the man has to pay for the dinner on the first ;)

Idk if this is glitched or what but I’m going to continue here. I’m just fucked. Everyone at my school hates me or thinks I’m annoying at the very least. In the past couple months only a handful of people have been bothered to ask me how I am going, to which I respond honestly with “I’m going through A LOT right now” and they always say they’re there to talk, but the moment I tell anyone what I’ve gone through and how horribly I’m dealing with it they get scared off so I just prefer to stay vague and mysterious. I can’t wait to graduate. I was meant to this year but honestly I doubt I’ll even graduate next year, that’s if I make it. Does tumblr have a content detection bot? Like will it read this and be like well shit this girl needs help and call a fucking ambulance or something to my house? Dear tumblr bot I’m okay for now but if you’re able to make mental health professionals actually give a shit about me PLEASE TELL ME.

I was told once I told my family and reached out things would get better and I’d get help. I spent 7 months in fear, stupidly may I add. I had a fucking monumental breakdown the night my bf broke up with me, which made me write a text to my mum about it. It’s been 3 months since then, and I don’t have the anxiety of my family not knowing anymore and some other shit, but things aren’t as great as people made it out to be. At least when my family didn’t know I was worried about the same few things, the police not being able to move forward with their investigation, me not getting sufficient help and support and some other shit I can’t remember at 6am. I always had a hope that kept me going which was that once my family knew I could actually get help. It’s fair to say that hasn’t happened, and things have gotten worse. 3 months ago I wouldn’t think of self harming, now I do it once every couple days, i would never have considered trying to kill myself even “for attention”, but now it’s something I always have in the back of my mind for if my rapist doesn’t get a decent sentence. Fuck now I’m upset about this. I just don’t want him to hurt anyone else. Nobody deserves to experience what I have to go through daily, possibly for the rest of my fucking life. I just am constantly so worried about this, what if there are others? And my inaction until July caused someone else to experience something similar to me. I don’t know if I could handle that news. Fuck there are birds chirping outside I’ve been up for so long, now I might not ever be able to get to sleep now.

It’s strange how I enjoy the warmth that happens on my skin after I cut it while it’s freshly healing. Idk, it’s like irritation but there was no bacteria trying to get in so it won’t hurt for long. I’m too much of a pussy to cut deep because I want to be in non psych ward bliss for just a little bit. Hey wait I’m gonna go send a text to a friend to maybe hang out and do some naughty stuff to try and make me feel better lol.

I apologise to anyone who actually read this, but thanks for listening I guess this helped me through a breakdown. I might not post it actually, wait fuck it I’m gonna lmao. Alright nightttt

it’s 2 am and I’m tired so idk if this will be short or if I’m gonna end up rambling about emotions. today was fine I guess. I woke up to my alarm at 8, and quickly realized I definitely didn’t need to wake up that early in order to be on call at 8:30, I can definitely do that in 15 minutes, so that’s good to know. I just kinda hung out for the morning, watched an episode of the monsta x “x-ray” show where they just make the band members do ridiculous things and it’s hilarious. otherwise I was mostly trying to ignore things on the internet for obvious reasons. once my shift was over at 1, friend came over and we had late brunch because we like that, and then watched The Social Network, which is one of friend’s favorite movies, and I had never seen before, so that was interesting. I did like the set up with it all taking place in depositions, even if that meant I had to point out all the legal errors they made in their depiction, but I did like the movie. then got bubble tea which was great and watched Legally Blonde the musical because it’s fabulous and I know the entire show backwards and forwards lol (and of course I had to point out all the legal inaccuracies in that too, because that’s just me as a person). so that was enjoyable. I did have to field one work call during it, still working out how all of the procedure is here, but since it was late in the day we set up an appointment to give remote services on Monday, idk if it’ll be me or not because the client is a spanish speaker and it’s obviously easier to have our attorney that speaks spanish handle it, but we also have several staff members who can translate, so we’ll see what happens. after legally blonde we ordered dinner from the Thai place we like. We’d gone there not long before the lockdown was put into place, and it was like a ghost town, pretty much entirely empty, when that’s never been the case before when we go on weekday nights all the time. Since people suck, we kinda figured it was people being shitty and racist and refusing to get food from them due to the sheer fact that they’re Asian, even from an entirely different country than where this actually started, and we like the place a lot- there’s a kid (’kid”) who mans like the entrancing and a lot of the wait staff work, we figured he was probably someone’s son (he’s like around 20 I guess?) but we’ve built up a really good rapport with him (it pretty much happens at any place we regularly go to, lol) so we definitely wanted to support them during this, and we hoped that the kid would see the order being placed and know it had to be us, because we order the same thing every time which he has memorized at this point, so I hope at least he saw that and it brought a smile to his face. We’ve been trying really hard to patronize local businesses with delivery and such (though we sometimes use mcdonalds for coffee/coke just because they’re cheap and super quick being that it’s just down the street a bit), so I can at least appreciate that. while we were waiting for the food and once we got it we were watching jeopardy, which there are a disappointingly lack of many episodes on netflix, they have like 33 seasons or something ridiculous like that and there’s like, 15 episodes on netflix, which is just sad. They’re organized though by “collection” of people that one a series of episodes, and we had watched all the other episodes so we were watching this one with this lady that was the champion just annoyed the shit out of us and we were ragging on her the whole time, only for the episode she finished on to end with a statement that winning jeopardy had been a lifelong goal for her, and nobody knew that while they were filming she actually had stage 4 cancer, and passed away before the episodes were played, and of course then we were like WELL SHIT that was a plot twist to say the least, so now I feel bad about ragging on her, but oh well. friend headed home once we finished eating, and I watched another episode of x-ray but then got tired of reading subtitles and watched more of Hunters on amazon prime video, which is really damn good so far. so I did that for a bit then eventually switched over to Jimmy Kimmel, which I watched until the end of the episode, then showered and started getting ready for bed, and now I am here. so, those are the actual things I did today.

emotionally, of course, was on a whole other level. I have this very specific feeling that I had when I was in college and my best friend back home tried to kill herself and was then locked in a psych ward where I couldn’t communicate with her at all, and of course, I was trapped 500 miles away when all of this was happening. that very specific feeling of things are terrible and I’m not okay at all but there’s absolutely nothing I can actually do about it. I spoke with my mom on the phone this morning. she didn’t really have any updates, but said the doctors had said over the next couple days they should be able to find out where this is going, which is I guess kinda promising but also kinda scary. my mom was of course saying things weren’t going to go bad because so many people are praying for him. and this is where I feel like I’m having a bit of a crisis of faith going on here. I never really understood when people were angry at God that their loved ones passed away, it’s just what happened, and I definitely did not think I would ever feel that way, and yet here I am having the same questions. Because like, yes, prayer is great and appreciated, but people pray all the times and people still die all the time. there was a recent situation with a youngish guy from my parents’ church going through a long health battle, and he had so many people constantly praying him for months and months....and then he died about a month ago, leaving behind an incredibly distraught wife who’s now a widow. and I’m just like, how can I expect prayer to influence the outcome here and be a reason why I think it can’t go badly when I see people who were prayed for in abundance and yet still died. it does remind me of a quote from C.S. Lewis which is something along the lines of “I don’t pray because it changes God, I pray because it changes me” and I guess that’s what I should be focusing on? and yes, of course God has a plan and his timing is perfect even when we can’t see it, and I’ve seen that play out in my life so many times, when I was crying out to God screaming where are you, and looking back I can see he was right there the entire time, he was just out of the frame that I could see at the time. and everything I’ve been taught is telling me I need to trust God and know his plan is for the best (all things work to the good of those who please him, for who are called according to his purpose- Romans 8:28). It’s just....when it’s your life being affected, everything is different. I never begrudged God when all of my grandparents died, they were old and that’s just what happens. But I’m just.....I’m not ready to let go of him. I can’t do this without him here. and the idea that God’s perfect plan involves taking him away from me, even if it makes sense in the long run, is just not something I can deal with right now. sigh. I don’t know where I’m going with any of this. I did make a facebook post about it, then ignored my phone for 2 hours so I didn’t have to see the constant notifications of people commenting pop up when each well meaning comment just reminds me of all of this. Of course there were a ton of comments, and I was really caught between knowing I should appreciate every prayer and well wishes from anyone, or feeling like if you haven’t spoken to me in the last 10 years you’re clearly not invested at all in my life and I don’t need your pity, or you getting to feel better about yourself because you left a comment. I’ve done a good amount of crying over the past few days too. okay, it’s almost 3 am and I’ve been writing this massive post for an hour now, which is definitely a sign I should end this here before I end up rambling even more, so that’s what I will do. Goodnight friends. Hope you enjoy your weekend and stay safe.

🛑🛑🛑TRIGGER WARNING🛑🛑🛑

contains Ed, dysphoria, dysmorphia, unhealthy eating habits, insecurity. Weight.

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I told myself I’d never get to 150 lbs while in my 20s. Today I reached 150 and I spent an hour in the shower crying. Now I’m laying in my bed trying not to kms. I’ve been going to the gym and I know rationally that muscle weighs more than fat and that eventually my weight Will fluctuate, and will most likely go back down. But still.

According to the BMI thing I’m now overweight. I’m so conflicted bc I know it’ll move around and I know I’m a few weeks if I keep up with the gym I’ll feel amazing. And I KNOW that fasting and starving myself won’t help. In the long run. BUT I feel so dysphoric and ugly and I hate that I’m so focused on my weight right now. I mean my face, shoulders, arms and legs look so good, skinnier but my middle section looks atrocious so that’s what I’ve been trying to work on and I know last time I got really fit, I felt so great mentally and physically and I wasn’t too concerned about weight bc I know it was muscle and that I was healthy and looked amazing.

And I’m so conflicted bc I want to be muscly and fit, but I also want to be slim and very Androgynous and wirery so I’m trying to do both. I’m trying to shape up and get fit again, but also do things that are supposed to keep me lean and smol. I’m just so worked up and have no one to talk to about this and idk what to do.

I mean I know what to do. I know it’ll Take time. And the frustrating part is that I know all this. The rational part of my brain keeps reminding me of all this. But then another part of me says just starve and over work yourself even though I KNOW that won’t work. And then I feel guilty bc I bought the meal plan at School so I can eat as many times as I want whenever I want. So if I don’t eat at all I’ll be wasting money. Ugh.

Idk who to talk too about this. Idk if I’m focusing on this so much bc it’s always been in the back of my mind. Or if I’m not handling college as well as I thought and I’m subconsciously trying to gain control over something. Or if I’m honestly so insecure about how I look? I know that definitely plays a part, I’ve been getting into cosplay, and since starting that I’ve been more critical of how I look. Which I hate bc cosplay is supposed to be fun, and it is, but I’m also so fixated on the fact that I don’t look like a lot of the other androgynous cosplayers I look up too.

Not to mention when not in cosplay, I want to be as androgynous as I can and I’ve been so dysphoric over my chest that if I loose weight, the binder will fit better, and if I go as far and my dysphoria wants me too, I’ll loose my chest. I know this is unhealthy. So I m trying to counter act all these unhealthy thoughts but doing healthy things. I know that last time I was in really good shape my chest did shrink and when I built muscle it actually helped and looked a lot better so I’m trying to do that. Since I’m not happy with my weight I’ve changed my diet. Trying to eat as healthy as you can while in college and eating on their meal plan.

Is it also sick and sad that I love the whole “HAVENT slept for days and may be dying of exhaustion and starvation” look? Like void styles from teen wolf or Sam Winchester when he was trying to do the trials. Why do I want to look like that? Why do I want to look like such a fucking disaster?! Is it so people pay more attention to me? That sounds sad that sounds like I’m an attention seeker but I really don’t think I am, not to that point at least. Is it so people actually take me seriously? Is it bc I subconsciously paid that look with how their friends and family coddle and help that character that looks like that? Is it just because I like that aesthetic? All of the above?

Sorry this is so long. I’m just ranting and trying to get all my thoughts out. I really have no one to talk too about this. I’m not close enough to my friends here yet, and my friends back home are dealing with their own shit and I don’t want to trigger them. And then a sick part of me doesn’t want anyone to stop me from destroying myself. Part of me doesn’t want anyone to notice until I come home for holiday and have my family get concerned? Wtf is up with that? I don’t want to be admired into a psych ward again. Even though that was a good live saver at that time, the idea of going back and loosing control again makes me want to die.

Thank you for reading this all of you did. Sorry it’s so long and all over the place.

So, you all gave up on me for THAT reason, huh? Yeah, I figured it out.

((((This is c/ped directly from FB and no I am not editing it in any way. It is almost 5am. I have more biology stuff to do. But I need to rest my joints and also I’m tired so I may take a nap before my 9am alarm goes off. Not reading this over. Ignore grammar and spelling errors. If you don’t get something and need to know, drop a question below or in my ask box. I gotchu.))))

When friends pull through for you and make everything better and you come out of a non-verbal phase that you still don't know what it was caused by.... and you talk things out because that's what you're used to doing.... But you still feel like you're screaming, but alas... apparently you're only whispering or talking above a whisper and using an indoor voice. And whenever I went non-verbal in the past, I'd always wonder "Am I ever going to speak again?" Because if you know me...you know I never shut up. If I couldn't talk, I'd be at a LOSS FOR WORDS OH PUN OF A FUCKING LIFE TIME no but seriously, If I couldn't talk aloud, I think that would be the end of my life. Being trapped in your head is the scariest thing in the world. You know those nightmares where you're screaming for help but the sound won't come out for some reason and you wake up in a cold sweat either actually screaming in real life or realizing that you were trying to do so and it was just a dream?

That's reality for some of us with certain mental disorders. And mine normally last at least 24 hours to a full 3 days. This is the shortest I've ever been nonverbal.

I relapsed. So hard. Again. Again? Fucking again. Seems like yesterday that I had relapsed. If this becomes a problem again, I need someone who cares enough about my existence to actually hold an intervention for me. If you can find one other person who cares that I exist to also attend.... even if it's just a long distance group chat..... I would still...be receptive. I wouldn't treat it like all the other handfuls of interventions I've had in my life. My scoffing at people, telling them "I'll quit when I want to quit and I just don't feel like quitting now, that's all.", calling all of you liars, getting angry, literally destroying inanimate objects, striking fear into the hearts of friends who are just trying their damndest to save me from myself, and even going as far as to physically assault people or cut good, supportive, wonderful friends out of my life permanently and making their lives hell from behind the scenes for vengeance. I am not that person anymore. I haven't been for a while. I am not Nickita. I am not Riley. I am Killian. Killian Quincy Roswell. And I have gone through so much in the past 5+ months that is has completely turned my life upside down and changed me and given my personality and lifestyle an overhaul for the better. I've been so good about controlling my pain killer addiction. To the point at where it's not been a problem at all. And the one time I did relapse, I bounced back the next day with no problem and it was a one time thing and I was assuming it would never happen again. Well, it did. Today. And I'm scared for myself. Because every method in the book and out of the book doesn't work on me. Not only do I not have TIME or money/insurance for rehab, but rehab centers won't accept me because of the slue of mental disorders I have and the psych medications I take, which they are not equipped for. So all the attempts I have relentlessly made in the past to get myself into rehab when I actually had the time.... were shot down and I was given random numbers. Luckily, I had enough sense to look them up before calling. All psych wards... all wards in which I would have been immediately IVC'd for the millionth time. And having that 20+ ward stay (stopped counting at 20) being the ONE psych who caught onto my "ward persona" and how I had been playing the system all over the US because I know how IVC's work and I know exactly how to play the system to get everything I want while institutionalized and how to get out as quickly as legally possibly and even once or twice before legally possible. Yes, my ward persona is that good. But finally...... the pattern was caught. All the intricate web of lies I had spun were caught. And the last ward I was in... made a HUGE note in my file to watch for every single tiny minute detail of my ward persona and to not allow me to play the system. They had been recommending me for permanent or at least long-term state ward transferal for at least 10 wards before this got logged in my file, but I know how to play the system SO WELL that I never actually got transferred and actually got them to write that off in my record as though it were a "Nevermind, this boy doesn't need to be in a state ward. He'll be okay." But the last ward I was in... that psych caught my ward persona and all the lies I had been keeping up to get out ASAP that I had developed and kept consistent since my 3rd or 4th IVC after I started to really learn the system. After about my 10th IVC, I had the system so down pat, that my ward persona kicked in immediately after the trauma and shock of getting thrown on the bad side and watching the other people get taken to the good side. After I got out of the PTSD flashbacks and after the initial overload of contributing MORE trauma to the part of my PTSD that is all psych ward based (as psych wards always do more harm than good and never help, only hurt), my ward persona comes out on his own. And all the lies and the fake life and everything I have woven from almost the very beginning come out in clean, utter consistency from my words to my actions to my mannerisms to literally everything about me. And the second I get released, Killian comes back. We're still one in the same, obviously, but my ward persona is the dominant one when I get IVC'd and I take a back seat because I know if I just suck it up and use that persona, I can get out in the absolute minimum amount of legal time or even less than the legal time on rare occasions. I wouldn't have even known that this RED ALERT little pamphlet was in my book-load of a psych file if it were not for the psychiatrist they referred me to for aftercare and a follow up, long-term treatment plan (as per usual). For once, I actually enjoyed who they chose...for the most part. And he came in after getting that and said "You know the psych in the ward says you lied in the ward right?" I laugh and go "Well, of course I did. Every single thing I say and do in wards is a lie. That's how I get out so fast." He nods and goes "Yeah that's exactly what it says here." I felt my blood turn to fucking ice. "What?" He showed me my file and what the psych had put in and allowed me to sit there in the middle of his office on the floor (because I was so stupefied that after over 20+ institutionalizations, a bazillion hospitalizations, a handful of emergency assessments from an ACTs team, 8 years of merciless therapy, and one trip to an eating disorder clinic when I was a wee lad... I couldn't even make it back to the recliner so I just collapsed to my knees on the floor in the middle of his office and sat there reading the thing word for word, going over EVERYTHING....fine print and all.) and they had it all in there. They knew everything. They had combed through the whole book of my files and had been watching me the whole time........and never said a word. I got out at the minimum legal IVC release date and said psychiatrist responded to my ward persona just like all the other psychs in those facilities across all the states I have been institutionalized in..... I had no thoughts that he ever suspected the truth. I THOUGHT MY OPERATION RAN AS SMOOTHLY AS ALWAYS. I was so wrong. And at the end of reading every single piece of my ward persona and all the lies I wove and all the tricks I was playing in order to get out....was a warning to all other psychiatrists telling them to GO THROUGH with transferring me to a state ward for long-term or permanent institutionalization. And that scares me more than anything. *MY POINT HERE IS: I cannot GO to a psych ward even as a VOLUNTARY commitment patient because the same rules still apply...... Everything thinks if you go in Voluntary, you're gonna get special treatment and you can leave whenever you want. HAH. Idk if that's how it works on the good side as I've never been on the good side before. If I go as a VC instead of an IVC...... There is STILL the possibility I will get transferred to a state ward even if I'm just there for drug rehabilitation and detox purposes. And that CANNOT happen. But I don't even have TIME for VC anyways! I DO NOT! Fuck NO! I don't have time for outpatient or NA meetings anyways and all the NA meetings I have been to were either terrifying [long story about white supremacy and a door being locked fucking terrifying omg I probably would have gotten shot if they had had guns] or they have just been absolutely boring, a waste of time, and absolutely unhelpful in every way possible. NA and AA is just....the biggest waste of time for me, personally. There's no point in me going. I tried. I did. It didn't work. I'm not sure WHAT would work with me...... I know one sure-fire thing that works with me...possibly the ONLY thing that works with me... is having a tangible item I can wear that is subtle and possibly hide-able underneath clothing...or something I can put in a pocket that I won't lose.... Made by someone I know that is unique to both them and me. Something that reminds me of them and me. Or something that we both have... Ie; My big long distance sister, Summer and I both have the same exact necklace. When we are both having a bad day, we both wear  it and hold onto it during stressful moments and send each other pictures of us wearing or holding our necklaces during downtime in our hectic/stressful days. Ie; My Packmate necklace from my NOLA fremily is possibly my most.... essential tangible item I own. It reminds me I have a whole family of friends in New Orleans. And I also have a vial of warding magick made by my one of my two ultimate best friends (I have two platonic soul mates, Chelle and Janles, who I both have necklaces for that I hide under my clothes every single day or keep in my pocket) and those two necklaces are the most important part of me and I never leave home without them otherwise I feel anxious and nervous the entire day if I don't feel that wolf and vial pressing against my chest under my binder or can't whip it out just play with it and touch it and FEEL IT and it FORCES ME to remember that I have a whole PACK of friends who are my FAMILY who would take me in a moments notice and genuinely love me and would never turn me away for any reason and would go to the ends of the earth and back for me and have proven it time and time again. Idk if anyone else has this strange little coping mechanism with tangible items....but I have a whole slue of coping mechanisms I use that no psychologist will ever tell you because they're not taught in any schools and no one ever knows about them because I made them up myself because no traditional or non-traditional (out-of-the-box-esque-thinking-style) coping mechanisms work for me.... so I finally just made my own. Aka, my word spelling one. [Ask me if you wish. It's a very helpful coping mechanism. And trust me, it works for EVERYONE via a breakthrough in neuroscience they had back in February that they're still trying to develop a synthetic pill to trigger the active distraction centre of the brain instead of the passive distraction centre of the brain without making you so actively distracted that you will become ADD/ADHD. Yes, there are herbs that activate this centre that was only recently fully mapped.... but for those of that cannot take ANY sort of herbal thing or natural/holistic remedy, aka me, a synthetic pill is exactly what I need and this spelling coping mechanism is the most SIMPLISTIC way to trigger the active distraction centre of the brain instead of the passive centre. It's beautiful and never fails to work. On ANYONE. Even those who have a hard time with spelling. In fact, it works even better for those who cannot spell well, I have found.] But tangible items work best for me. If you want to show me you genuinely care........ send me some sort of reminder that you do so that every time I wear it or keep it in my pocket and have doubts that ANYONE gives a damn and know in my heart of hearts that NO ONE would miss me if I were dead except Chelle and Janles and they would get over it. But then again.... I'm a pragmatist. And the problem here is that the reality of things win every time. And reality is that no one WOULD miss me if I were dead and only a VERY select few care and EVERYONE has given up on me on tumblr, my MAIN social media platform. Where I used have a good 50+ messages in my inbox EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. for a good 5 years straight... I now have about 5 per day on average if I'm lucky, with a slue of private messages and never any anons. And that hurts like hell. Why has everyone given up on me? What did I do wrong? Or ....what did I do right? Did everyone NOT give up on me and just....move on because I "don't" need help anymore because I've beat most of my mental illnesses and physical illnesses aren't "deep and poetic and beautiful and artistic" like my psychological illnesses are? HMM. IS THAT IT, YOU FUCKING CUNTS!? [talking to tumblr people now specifically, as I'm gonna c/p this post to tumblr] I'm assuming that's why. Everyone has abandoned me because I'm not mostly dealing with physical illness and I have gone on the straight and narrow with my casual professional looks and my hair is not crazy colours anymore and I have taken out most of my piercings and keep my tattoos covered and the piercings I have kept in, I have new stuff for them that is more...professional looking. I'm guessing everyone wants the alternative boy that I used to be and not the mature, professional, pre-med, happy, focused, driven, thriving, adventurous, positive, comfortable-in-my-own-skin man I have come to be. And the fact that no one can hurt me anymore is.... probably a deterrent for many of the poor widdle anonnys. Poor babys. Heh. I'd love to see 'em try, though. But..... Nonetheless, I'mma co c/p this to tumblr and ATTEMPT to sleep. I'd like to get up early, take the dogs for a short walk if the weather is still nice out, and head on over to the most wonderful coffee shop and spend the day there pouring over my genetics labs and 3D genetics imaging software. MMMmmmmmmmyes. I'm loving this little portion of biology we are currently studying (not so little, actually...every "portion" is pretty big...the first "portion" consisted of chapters 1-32.... the CLIFFNOTES were 50 pages long...HAHA). But I wanted to give a shoutout to everyone who just helped through a fucking crisis situation and a relapse. If you feel it's becoming a problem again in any way, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, hold an intervention for me because I won't know or notice it.... because I down them like anyways and "Once an addict, always an addict" seems to ring true. Like I said before...you can be fine for years with no problems and then something pops up and suddenly you're curled up in a ball on the floor sobbing because you broke after years of being clean. Thank you to everyone who just got me through all of that. I put my blade away. I put the pills away. I'm gonna go to sleep and live to see tomorrow and give it my normal 200% tomorrow. But I'm dead serious. Hold an intervention for me and I ****WILL NOT**** react how I have in all the past interventions I have had. I will react totally differently and be totally receptive to it. Even if it's just a group chat....... with...only 2 people, because that's all I can imagine of who would genuinely care about my existence enough to take time out of their day to talk to me about my drug use. People USED to care until they discovered how I acted like a bratty, immature little 2 year old throwing an angry, enraged tantrum during an intervention and attacked people who were just trying to help. /////I am NOT that person anymore.///// Help me. Please. I don't know who to turn to....where to go. And I cannot tell if it is becoming a problem or not. Not that anyone read this far, but....I exist for fucks sake. I exist. No one knows or cares about that fact because no one has FuCKING READ THIS FAR but.....I....exist.......... and it matters...... It matters to me.... It may not matter to anyone else.... and it may not matter to anyone who read the top line and immediately scrolled past this and therefore is not reading like everyone else [or the people who just saw the first paragraph and hit like/love and didn't realize this is an angsty post....trust me...watch....it happens. often. because people don't read what I write. because they don't care about me. No one does. No one ever has, no one ever will. Except Chelle and Janles. And possibly my NOLA and LD fremily and a few LD best friends. But not to the point that they would care enough to read this or take action. I love you all. And thank you to those of you who DID take action tonight. It means a lot to me. It really meant a lot and showed me that even when I AM in distress and panic mode and being a whiny little brat and need all the help....there are still friends who HAVEN'T given up and DON'T glorify the extremeness of my mental illnesses and DON'T hate me because I am currently physically disabled that cannot and has never been glorified and friends who DON'T hate me for finally growing into a much more mature person and finally becoming genuinely happy with myself and discovering my passion and putting in 200% every single day to achieve that passion and goal and will stop at nothing to do so. And fuck ALL OF YOU who have abandoned me because of the EXTREME life, personality, and looks make-over. I am not the same persona you knew even 5-6 months ago. I if you don't like it, that's fine. But for fucks sake, get out of my damn life already. And be brave enough to either leave or tell me. Only one person in this world has been brave enough to tell in aloud in person that they legitimately don't like me got a hug and I had never been so happy in my goddamn life and I hope that person is doing well because everyone else is too goddamn intimidated by me to do it. I am finally happy with myself and that’s just too damn bad that you’re depressed that you can’t get pleasure from watching me suffer anymore since I love myself so much now. Almost to a point of pure narcissism. I’m fucking fantastic, honestly. And everyone should love me. So idk why you all abandoned me other than the fact I changed my personality, looks, hair, style, career path, beat my mental illnesses and do not struggle as much anymore, put in 200% every day instead of suffer and bitch and moan all the time, am genuinely happy instead of miserable, and developed physical, chronic pain illnesses which you cannot glorify and make into deep, artistic things like my extreme mental illnesses, you cunts. Yeah, I sure as hell did call you ALL out on that. I know. I know. You all didn’t expect me to actually figure it out, did you? That’s too bad. Sucks for all of you. I knew tumblrites really did glorify mental illnesses, but when I got diagnosed with sociopathy on top of everything else, boy oh boy, everyone just went haywire with that. Sure, borderline personality disorder is the only thing I “struggle with”, but honestly...I have made it enhance my life now. I have made BPD my bitch. And all my other disorders are under control via medication. You can’t just glorify all my psychotic level disorders and turn them into these deep, artistic things when they’re not. I’ll trade you for them any day, you ignorant 12 year old fucking cunts. Oh, but now I have Ehlers Danlos and fibromyalgia that is most definitely not fibro and is something else and I need my RA factors checked into deeper because fibro is the worst diagnosis to have since it doesn’t really MEAN anything other than two very vague, obscure things leading up to “We also don’t know what’s wrong with you, so here’s a diagnosis that fits everything you’re experiencing since all/majority of your blood tests came back negative/perfect/good.” No. Fibro is not an acceptable diagnosis to me when I damn well know they can dig deeper. Fuck fibromyalgia. It’s not a real damn diagnosis and they can dig deeper into what it ACTUALLY is. And while I have the insurance to pay for it, you can damn well bet that I am doing everything in my power to get my RA factors delved into MUCH deeper. The only thing that came back oddly was my SED rates. And we all (who are educated on these things) know what that means. [long aggravated sigh]. So, no, fibro is unacceptable. But you can’t glorify and turn Ehlers Danlos and fibromyalgia into something deep and artistic, can you, ya fuckin’ lollipops? No, you can’t. So go suck some milk from the teet, ya little bitch babies. Because you need some to grow up a bit. I really need to go to sleep now. I'm not checking this for spelling/grammar errors. If there are any mistakes here or anything you don't understand [that's mostly for tumblr, not here on fb], it's okay. Just roll with it. It's called #vaguebooking according to my big brother, Jeff. He's a genius, so we just accept it. Lol. Gute nacht, meine familie. <3