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cyberrgirlsblog · 4 months

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Candle ligth Pt4

trigger warning: cussing, smoking, not proof read, erm idk. kinda rushed revolation erm yea i hope this is ok, lm if i should change anything, some inacurate use of drugs and names for them like more modern names for stuff. spelling

Your pov

—--------------

I woke up in the morning to the semblance of sunlight shining in my eyes. I groaned and turned over trying to fall back asleep but soon started to cough after I inhaled smoke in my lungs. I sat up and looked around the room only to see ash sitting on his bed smoking a cig.

“Ash what the fuck, its like 9:00am or some shit why the fuck are you smoking” i groaned in irritation, looked at me and rolled his eyes. I was surprised since he rarely ever did smoke anything that wasn't weed

“Yea well too bad, pol said it was ok too before you ask.” he said rather bluntly but i could swear i saw a slight smirk at the edge of his lips.

“Yea well good for you, also when did you even start smoking anything but weed .” I said confused, he inhaled the smoke from his cigarette and blew it out. Before he could respond i herd a nock on the door.

“Hello?” i said not knowing if it was pol or one of her maids who was knocking on the door.

“It's me” I heard pol's distinct voice say, she opened the door and saw me and ash looking at her with curious eyes. She breathed in before speaking “Tommy is having a ballet and he wants you two to come to supply stuff we don't have. You need to leave by the time the ballet starts. Please while there do not say anything you would usually say.” Me and ash shared a look before looking back at Pol

“What type of drugs do you need and what do you mean don't say what we usually say are there gonna be some high class shits there or something.” Ash said, I nodded as I continued to stare at pol. I was suspicious about why she seemed somewhat uneasy.

“That's what I mean, don't talk like that when you're there, there will be some important people there try not to talk to them. If they talk to you first, that's different.” she said with a serious tone. She took a puff of her own cigarette. The room slowly started to smell more and more of smoke making me cough slightly.

“What should we wear there and do you have a notepad so i can write down what we need to bring pol.” I said while getting up from my bed and going over to the desk.

“If they are in the 2nd there should be a pen in there as well, we need some cannabis and morphine. The money will be there when you arrive one of the maids will show you where it is” she said, i wrote down what and how much that was needed.

“Also it's formal so I expect you two to look nice and not like you just walked out of a pub. It's this friday” she said, i chuckled a little bit.

“We will make sure to look presentable for those rich fucks dont worry.”i said and looked over at Ash to make sure he heard me. I turned around as I stood up from the chair and folded the note.

“And if anyone asks why you're here say you make art and that's why you're here so (y/n) i need you to paint a picture of anything really just to cover you two. How far along are you with the painting of Tommy and lizzy” she said, I looked at her and nodded. The way we often covered up drug sails was by smuggling it in through art.

“I'm almost done with just some touch ups I need to do to the background but it should be done. But if i want it to be done by this friday i need to get back home know” i said with urgency in my voice.

Pol looks at me and nods her head “ok well i'll get the car started don't take too long to pack up anything you brought.” she said as she left the room

“Thank you Mrs. Gray "I yelled out, I started to pack the few things I brought and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and make myself look presentable. I stuck my head out the bathroom and looked at ash

“Yo are you gonna come with me or stay here?” I asked him as I walked back into the room while grabbing my bag. Ash looked at me and shook his head.

“Nah i think ima stay here for a bit try to get in contact with fez.” he said looking at me and smiling slightly.

‘’Ok well stay safe ash and don't get yourself into anything stupid okay i got people that will tell me if you do.” i said while lightly punching him in his shoulder

“Aye what? (Y/n) the fuck do you mean you got people?” he said confused, as i walked out the door i turned and sent a playful grin towards him before leaving the room and closing the door behind me. As I walked down stares I could hear people talking. When I got down I saw it was Aberham Gold and Polly.

“Toms got a fucking trues with them Pol-” he stopped once he saw me. The thing was he didnt know who I was but I knew of him. I knew his son had been killed by the billy boys and that he was a good shooter.

“Sorry if i'm interrupting anything.” I said to them I shifted my eyes to the floor to put up a nervous front. “Pol, ash said he's gonna stay here for a bit. I thought I should let you know.” I heard footsteps come over to me. I looked up from the ground and saw Pol looking at me.

“That's fine but are you fine being by yourself at home?” she asked like a concerned mother or maybe she was just asking to be kind either way it confused me somehow.

“Well at home there are weapons so if anyone tries anything I'll shoot them.” i said a bit quieter compared to my normal tone. Pol looked at me and nodded her head. I noticed Aberham looking at me with an unreadable look on his face. I felt a smirk appeared on my face, i shifted my eyes between the two of them

“ This is your boyfriend Pol?” I asked with a giggle. I could see both of them roll their eyes and pol pushed me to the front door.

“Get in the car (Y/n) I'll meet you there in a minute.” she said with a playfully annoyed voice. I laughed and waved to Abraham and walked out to the car. I opened the door and set my things down next to me in the other seat. I took out a cigarette and lit it, but not before opening the door of the car and getting out. I observed the neighborhood, it was a higher class neighborhood compared to the others in Birmingham, the skys were clearer and it was more quiet. I noticed a car parked outside of a house with someone in it. It appeared to be a man but it was hard to tell. But what I could tell is that they were looking at Pol's house. I blew out some smoke from my cigarette and threw it on the ground and snuffed it out. I looked back up at the car and noticed they were looking at me now. I stared back squinting my eyes for some hope to see through the tinted glass of the car windows but before I could get a good look I heard the door open.

“Well let's go (Y/n), Oh and this is Abraham gold, Abraham this is (Y/n).” she said as she got in the car Abraham followed and sat next to her. I got into the seat behind them. As the driver got in the car I took note of abraham. He was wearing working class clothes. He had gray hair that looked like it was just cut.

It seemed that he sensed my eyes on him as he turned his head to look back at me, i smiled “Nice to meet you Mr. Gold sorry for intruding on your conversation with Ms.Gray”

“Nice to meet you (y/n), you have a last name don't you?” he asked, smiling back at me.

“If I did , you would know it. I was adopted and given my name by my grandmother.” i said looking at him, it wasn't a lie necessarily i was given a name by my grandma but i changed it to (Y/n) after a while i mean Ash might of kept his but no one calls him ashtray. I changed my name to (y/n) after we moved out of the states, there's no document of it though. There's no documents of my old name either, But I like it that way because it makes it easier for me to keep a low profile and harder for people to research me beyond what I do on a daily basis.

I turned and looked at the window and watched as the houses passed by, my eyes looking around anytime we made a stop. To try to find anything that would interest me, I could hear the voices of pol and abraham but i didn't listen to what they were saying. I didn't care, I just wanted to get home.

Time jump

The car stopped outside of my house, it was a small house but bigger than the ones in small heath, it was an old farmhouse but not like tommys it was more of a mansion. We didn't grow anything, though maybe some flowers or corn but that was all.

“Thank you for taking me here Ms. Gray, I do appreciate it a lot” I said before getting out of the car and grabbing my things. I closed the door behind me and waved before walking up to the house.

Silently, I turned the doorknob and entered the room. Gently, I slipped off my shoes and ascended the staircase. Crossing the hallway, I peered into my grandmother's room through the slightly ajar door. A serene sight met my eyes – she slumbered peacefully, the weight of her worries visibly lifted. A smile crept across my lips, reassured by her newfound tranquility.

I went down to living room and there I carefully unfolded the drape that veiled my work-in-progress, a depiction of Tommy and Lizzie. With deliberate steps, I placed the cloth on the floor, clearing a space for me to start painting.

Fetching my watercolor brushes and selecting the appropriate hues, and started to paint. The canvas came alive under the caress of my brushstrokes, I blended the colors, giving life to the background. The trees that graced my window became the cornerstone of this painting, their forms and shades guiding my vision.

While engrossed in my painting, a knock at the door jolted me from my concentration. Puzzled by the unexpected interruption, I put down my brushes and retrieved my gun from the side table. With the weapon discreetly concealed on my person, my senses heightened.

"Hello," I greeted, cracking the door open just enough to peer out. The persons identity remained hidden, and I wasn't gonna take any risks.

"Is this (y/n)'s house?" the voice inquired. Though familiar, I struggled to place it.

"Who's asking?" I responded skeptically, slightly widening the door's opening.

"Duke," came the reply. The moment that name escaped his lips, the door swung fully open, and a rush of emotions flooded me as I looked at the figure infront of me. He looked every bit of the Duke I remembered, and a genuine smile graced my lips. Although part of me wanted to hug him and share how much I'd missed him, I held back, mindful of our past boundaries.

"Hey. How did you…. find me?" I asked, a blend of happiness and confusion evident in my tone.

"I remembered where your house was from our 1st encounter, to be honest." he explained, his gaze steady and direct.

"Want to come in then, or is this just a brief visit?" I asked, maintaining our eye contact.

"Um... sure," he agreed. I widened the doorway, and he entered. Barely a few steps inside, I intervened by placing a hand on his shoulder.

"yo, hold on. take off your shoes. I dont want to have any mud or dirt tracked in," I said. Once he complied, I withdrew my hand and he turned to the wall and took off his shoes. The phone rang.

As Duke stepped inside and I discreetly answered the phone, a sense of unease settled over me. The voice on the other end sounded unfamiliar, and the mention of Fezco, me, and Ashtray raised an internal alarm.

"Hello?" I responded cautiously, trying to maintain a composed demeanor.

"Is this the residence of Fezco, (y/n), and Ashtray?" The calm mellow voice of an American female was heard on the other end held a calculated tone, sending a chill down my spine.

"Who's asking?" I repeated, my voice tinged with a mix of wariness and curosity.

The voice on the phone grew slightly colder, a hint of menace lacing its words. "we're concerned about the company they've been keeping. Working with the Peaky Blinders."

My heart raced, realizing that this was no ordinary call. The implications of this conversation began to sink in – our connections, our allegiances were being scrutinized, and our safety was hanging in the balance.

"Look, whoever you are, I don't know what your talking about." I retorted, my voice firm, a shield of defiance against the mounting threat.

The voice remained unfazed, its threat now more explicit. "Fezco, (y/n), and Ashtray might want to reconsider their loyalties if they value their well-being. The Peaky Blinders' enemies have a long reach, and are not afraid to take drastic measures."

My mind raced, assessing the situation. It was clear that the caller was well-informed, aware of our affiliations, and determined to exploit our vulnerability.

"I don't take kindly to threats, also why threaten them?" I responded, my voice now in a whisper and edged with a steely resolve. "If you think we'll be intimidated, you're mistaken."

The line went silent for a moment before the voice spoke again, its tone measured. "Remember, (y/n), everyone has weaknesses, even those who walk in the shadow of the Peaky Blinders. Make your choice wisely."

With that chilling finality, the call ended. I stood there, phone in hand, the weight of the threat sinking in. As I turned back to rejoin Duke, the gravity of our situation became all too clear – the world we were entangled in was more rife with danger than I knew, and the safety of Fezco, Ashtray, and myself. I huffed in frustration, before turning back to a confused duke.

"Make yourself comfortable," I offered while trying to make it seem like it was a normal phone call that had just happened. leading the way into the cozy space filled with the gentle glow of natural light filtering through the windows. The unfinished painting of Tommy and Lizzie stood prompt up.

Duke's eyes wandered around the room, his gaze eventually settling on the painting. "You paint?" he remarked, a hint of admiration in his voice. It seemed like he has not paid to much mind to the call

"Yea i do, Thanks," I replied, i felt my face heat up. "It's a work in progress."

“"Who are those people in the painting?" Duke's voice carried a note of genuine curiosity as his gaze remained fixed on the canvas.

I turned to face the artwork, my own smile reflecting the fondness I held for the depicted characters. "That's Tommy Shelby and his wife, Lizzie Shelby, or formerly Lizzie Stark," I explained. My attention lingered on the painting as I recalled the intricate details I had carefully woven into the canvas.

"Shelby?" Duke's reaction was unmistakable – a mix of surprise and disbelief.

I met his astonished gaze with a subtle smile. "I've been creating art for the Shelbys for a while now. This isn't the first time I've 'painted' for them. I suppose they appreciate my work, do you know them?" I responded. Before Duke could ask further, I cut him off.

"Would you like something to drink?" I offered, listing the available options – whisky, rum, wine, and water. His prompt choice of water made it clear he wasn't in the mood for alcohol.

As I fetched the water and poured two glasses, “you don't drink?” the duke asked, "I drink whatever my guests prefer," I clarified, the corners of my lips curling into a knowing smile. Sipping from my own glass, I maintained a relaxed posture, ready to address his deeper concerns.

His next inquiry, laden with curiosity and a touch of worry, cut to the core of the matter. "is it true what people sayabout them (Y/n)?"

I sighed softly, the sound of my foot bouncing nervously on the ground filled the room "Duke, I dont know how much i can share but to answer your question, yes. In fact, they've reached out to me and my brothers before. When we first came to England, they extended an offer to… collaborate."

Duke's reaction was a dance of surprise and restraint, his attempts to speak yielding to a quiet contemplation. in a impulsive moment i decide to reveal a half truth. Retrieving my concealed gun and placing it on the table, I leaned in slightly, locking eyes with him.

"Duke, I'm sharing this with you because in some weird way I trust you. My brothers and I, well, our hands are dirty. We deal…. things. the shelbys have helped us out. I need you to understand the trust I'm putting in you. That call i had was a threat to me and my brothers and it's not the first either.``

Leaning back, I continued, a mischievous glint in my eye. "If you were to betray this trust, the consequences would be shitty. But I believe you won't. For some odd reason I trust you with this, and I don't know why."

Duke's expression was a blend of confusion and composed acceptance, his gaze steady as he processed my revelations. As the last drop of water quenched my thirst, I held his gaze, waiting for his response, aware that connection had just been tested and solidified in a single moment.

Duke's contemplative silence hung in the air, showing the weight of the information he had just been entrusted with. His eyes held a mixture of uncertainty and understanding of the complexities that lay beneath the surface of our interaction.

Duke finally spoke, he reached and put a hand on my sholder sligthly pulling me closer to him, leaving me to stare into his sligthly wide hazel eyes. his voice carrying a sense of respect. "I won't betray your trust (Y/n)”

I acknowledged his words with a nod, my demeanor calm and collected. Duke let go of my shoulder removing any warmth i had felt, he leaned back, his gaze shifting from the gun to my eyes. "why do you trust me? you dont know anything about me so why tell me this."

I leaned forward, a thoughtful smile playing on my lips. "im still tryna figure that out Duke. i just do thought, i dont trust easly but for you i will."

Duke's brow furrowed as he contemplated my words, in some odd way he liked that you trusted him so easily, he like how his name rolled off your tung . "So, you trust me, just like that?"

"yea, Duke," I replied rather bluntly.

He took a moment to absorb my response before speaking again. "Um well i wont betray your trust (Y/n)”

I leaned back, mirroring his posture. "So know that you know that about me why don't you tell me about yourself."

Duke's gaze was thoughtful, and I could tell he was processing the layers of meaning behind my words. "Alright, (Y/n)."

As the evening unfolded, Duke and I got deeper into conversation, discussing our aspirations, dreams, and the intricacies of life that had shaped us. The unfinished painting of Tommy and Lizzie stood as a silent witness to our burgeoning connection, a symbol of the artistry and authenticity that had revealed so much in such a short amount of time. I only told duke the top of the iceberg when it came to me and my family but so far thats all he would need to know.

—------------------ 3hrs laters

"Man, some people just do weird ass shit," I remarked with a laugh.

Duke nodded, a grin forming on his face. " You wouldn't believe the things I've seen and heard working at those fairgrounds. Once, I was walking towards one of the tents, and I heard these two folks figthing" I chuckled, intrigued. "why?"

Duke's smile widened as he clarified, "dont know, 'parently they both after the same girl, she had been with both of em" He gestured with his hands, leaving the rest to imagination.

I took a bite of the food I had brought along and smirked. "good on her i guess, not many men would figth for a girl like that.”

Duke let out a laugh. "well i dont know (y/n) more men would figth for a woman's love thani think you realize.”

I couldn't help but shake my head in amusement. "thats hard for me to beileve, from what ive seen with men in small heath. they'll fight over things like a glass of beer."

Duke leaned back, a glint of mischief in his eyes. "I guess some people figth over shit as stupid as that, others though have more respect than to figth over beer."

“thats true,anyways speaking of small heith. one time i was there and i went into a betting shop to delivery some goods and well i shouldve knocked cause i walked in on some random guy and girl just on one of the tables fucking. I don't think they saw me so I just left.” I said while chuckling and cringing at the memory.

As I was laughing I heard the phone ring, I had no idea who it could be. A pit of anxiety built up in my stomach as I looked at duke.

As I picked up the phone, a mixture of relief and curiosity filled me. It was Tommy Shelby on the other end.

"Hello Mr. Shelby, can I help you with anything?" I inquired, my tone respectful but tinged with curiosity.

"Good evening," his voice carried its usual air of authority. "I thought I should give you a heads-up about something. You're delivering the painting and the merchandise to my party tomorrow, correct?"

A sense of intrigue settled over me as I nodded, even though he couldn't see me. "Yea, that's correct."

"Good. Now, I'm aware that certain... elements will be present at the party. Oswald Mosley, for one," he continued, his voice measured.

My curiosity deepened as he mentioned Mosley's name. Oswald Mosley – a man with a reputation and connections that sent shivers down the spines of many. "Yes, I've heard of him." my tone grim

Tommy's tone turned more serious. "I suggest you keep your distance from him, (Y/n). Mosley's got a way of getting into people's heads, and I wouldn't want you caught up in any of his schemes."

I nodded, even though he couldn't see it. "I appreciate the warning, Mr. Shelby. I'll be sure to be cautious."

"Good," he replied. "Remember, we've got business to attend to, and Mosley's not someone you want to involve yourself with."

His words held a weight that wasn't lost on me. "I understand, Mr. Shelby. I'll keep my focus on the task at hand."

"Very well. See you at there" he said, his tone returning to its usual directness.

"Thank you, Mr. Shelby. Looking forward to it," I replied before hanging up.

As I walked back to where Duke was sitting, he looked at me expectantly. "Everything alright?"

I nodded, a mixture of thoughts and emotions swirling within me. "Yeah, just a call related to the party tomorrow."

Duke raised an eyebrow. "Party? Anything exciting?"

I chuckled softly, aware of the secrecy that often surrounded the Shelby family's affairs. "You could say that. But it seems like it might be more eventful than I expected."

Duke's gaze was curious. "In a good way or a bad way?"

I met his eyes, a mixture of determination and curiosity in my expression. "Only one way to find out."

I looked at my watch to check the time, 12:00 am shit.

“Damn its late you gotta be anywhere early tomorrow?” i asked duke

“Yea but they won't notice if I'm late, they'll probably be late because a lot of fair workers went to the pub, one of them invited me but I said no.” i smirked at what Duke just said

“Aw you decided to give up the pub to come visit me how sweet.” I said with a giggle, duke rolled his eyes, his cheeks brightening slightly with blush. I went and sat down this time next to him not to close though.

“Shut up” duke said, i just looked over at him, my eyes roaming over his face. They lingered on his lips a bit longer than they should have, I hit him on the shoulder slightly.

“Calm down man, was just joking.” i said, I giggled a bit looking ahead at the painting, my smile dimmed a bit, the eyes of Thomas Shelby were all I could see in that moment. His cold unmoving eyes that I depicted so perfectly in the painting. Lizzies eyes were light and while they had a closed off look they weren't as threatening as tommys.

“Hey duke.” i said finally turning away from the painting

“Thanks for coming to visit. I appreciate it a lot.” I said to him with a smile.

“Really? He asked if his face was hard to read but he seemed almost confused, so I smiled at him.

“Yea I missed you. I mean it duke, i know its corny as fuck but like i dont know i cant explain it.” i said my voice lowered a bit from shynes. Maybe it was because I was tired but I swear I could see him smile, not a smug smile or a mean one but a genuine smile.

“Are you always so… honest about how you feel about people (y/n)?” he asked me.

“Only with people I'm comfortable with. Anyways, do you want to stay the night or do you have somewhere to stay? "I asked him. I made sure my tone only had hospitality in it and nothing else. Duke thinks for a little,

“I have a place to stay dont worry” he said, i nodded my head and got up and went to the kitchen to grab him some extra food, i came back and gave him it.

“Um well ill see you when i see you i guess?” i said awkwardly while he got up. We walked to the front door. I opened it and he walked outside.

“Oh also Duke, I got a place in small heath. Here's the address, i can't promise that ill always be there thought.'' I said as I handed him a note with the address. He took it and pretended to read it before placing it in his coat pocket, not wanting to revile he couldnt read.

“Thanks (Y/n), ill uh see you later and remember you can always stop by the fair its gonna be here in the area for a little.” he said, he looked away and coughed after he said that.

“Ill try it depend on how things pan out for me thought, thanks for stopping by again duke, bye.” i said before i closed the door. I slid down the door until I hit the floor, I listened till I couldn't hear his footsteps anymore.

“Shit” I said before getting up and walking upstairs. I went to bed knowing tomorrow will be something i don't think I'm prepared for.

#duke shelby x reader #peaky blinder headcanon #tommy shelby #dukeshelby #polly gray #john shelby #peaky blinder fanfic #ashtray #euphoria #peaky blinders #tommy shelby x you #finn shelby #finn shelby x reader

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sharonisthebettercarter · 8 months

Note

Hai.

How do you measure your top and bottoms? I will likely greatly regret asking.

oh HIIII @diamonddung~<3<3<3!

why yes. yes you will<3 i never did get that answer on fiona's nick valentine % <3 tho you may need to amend billy's % lmao<3<3<3

as a bonafide too queer to function lunatic and multishipper who *hates* catty supremacist false dichotomy fandom bullshit because of all the unnecessary problems it causes (you know me, lmao, bit of another psa in here i guess given multiship tags and yes, i am still upset about the thing with the artist)? ya know i'm a little out there and not quite with the 'in' crowd of the chunk of cis het women who take party~ in the shipping world~<3 no shade, but it does tend to change one's perspective. i do feel there's lots of shipping discourse that may miss the mark/certain character elements in favor of...

well, normally just plain ol' over-sexualization from some horny ass people lfmao, (homie's scene with doppelhomie is a good example, the trauma presented on his face was ignored in favor of the selfcest fantasy, but in antony starr's words, homie wasn't interested, he was traumatized :((() but also unfortunately... echhh i gotta say it!

hetero-normalizing gay ships and then treating the kink presentation like a goddamn religion... the amount of times i have those 'are the straights okay???' moments are just...

LMAO, all in good fun of course<3 let's not kink shame.

it's fine to have different kinks and discourse, disagreements over how you view characters or what you like, even be enthusiastic with your own views and shout them out to the heavens~! it's *NOT* fine to try and police, dehumanize, or discourage others from enjoying what they like just because it's *different* from you and they exist in a *shared* space.

friendly important reminder to *ship and let ship*, *art and let art* however that may be. even if i don't like the way a ship is presented or voice how *i* personally feel about it, i would *never* try to or even have the gall to tell someone *no, you can't do that, my way or the highway*

It does NOT *exclude* you to *include* others. It costs nothing to be *nice* or simply DNI. This is NOT a dichotomy. Fandoms do NOT need additional toxicity and bullying over something so *trivial* as fictional bullshit. EVER.

"i don't like bullies... i don't care where they're from." ;)

anywho~<3 i love top/bottom exploration because i have a very bad BAD~<3 dominance kink, but switching definitely gets the most downplaying/ignoring with a heavy focus on... mmm, i suppose often, more superficial elements half the time and i'll admit some of mine def are~ lmao nose size. and i don't say that to dissuade any writers, young or old. i say it to *encourage* moar deep diving<3<3<3 and even questioning the way you might think/listening to new perspectives~<3!

we all start somewhere and have times of exploration/learning~<3 learning moar and challenging yourself? that's a *good* thing<3<3<3 but sadly, not always valued (it should be!) :(

but apart from canon dynamices/character depth/personality to the best of my ability/understanding? the long answer is ANAL GAPE~<3

among other things, i'm sure that makes no sense whatsoever<3 because some other factors do get thrown in. intelligence because i'm a morosexual and LOVE big dumb tops<3<3<3, practicality super anuses are a death trap to not be played with however super phalli~, and weirdly... nose size. i'm not kidding!

yeah i know some idiot out there told me nose size is apparently related to phallus size and testosterone levels OH WAIT-- but oddly enough...? i think there may be some kinda instinct there LOL, because it seemed to registered in my brain the same way i registered my top/bottoms for the most part, even *before* learning that...

and i *swear*... i'll come back to this shit cause it's hilarious, but even in fanart, you'll see many artists subconsciously/purposefully give the guy they want to 'top' a bigger nose... even if he has a smaller one. ;)))))))))))))))))

BUTT ANAL GAPE! WHAT IS IT!?

not the nasty version ya nasties~<3

it basically boils down to... how big of an ASSHOLE is this asshole... just wide do those booty cheeks spread with the level a disrespect-- how *badly* does he *need* a good railing and prostate MMPH~<3<3<3! or even spanking~<3 how much of a control freak is he? how stubborn~? how far do those bitchy manipulative little devil vibes go~<3<3<3 what does he *want*? really want. figurative dick energy? is he compensating for something? is he in need of, holdin' out for a hero~<3<3<3? how so? how far from the goal of expressing positive masculinity are we and why? just how toxic we talkin~? i'm slippin' under<3

what is the outward presentation being given vs. the one he gives privately/with those he loves? there's a pretty big difference sometimes and it can say a lot. naturally gentle doms like kal-el or steve rogers i see get mislabeled for that old thing, 'mistaking kindness for weakness', so to speak. but as a general rule, they say that in the bedroom~ people actually tend to give the opposite of what they present in their day to day lives/'those with the most control of their lives are secretly the most submissive' or something along those lines, and it makes sense that things would manifest that way when you think about it. (ironically learned about this *after* learning my kinks)

a good example would be billy butcher, who gives the outward presentation of being rough and ragged and 'in control' wannabe logan, but is extremely soft, caring and submissive with those he loves<3 contrast with homelander who has had ZERO control over his own life from day one and *really* likes it rough when he gets the chance and--

boi lemme tell ya hwat--

it's a number of things, lmao, and the calculations in my head are automatic and will not make sense in numbers. so.

i don't think i need to explain much on anal gape when it comes to scott summers, lex luthor, bruce wayne, tony stark, and especially... *especially* billy butcher.

but lets not forget the added morosexual aspect~ which *can* even override anal gape! so let's go over what every one a my tagged ship bottoms might be saying to their big dumb idiot animal tops being DUMB<3<3<3

scott: *glares violently*

lex: *glares in pure bitch trying to hide the horny*

bucky: steve... what the fuck.

tony: *hard eye rolling and harder cuddling*

bruce: . . .

charles: ERIK!?

billy: *as he takes off his clothes* why... are you a brainless cunt?

pay no mind to homie's indignant huffing with a side of horny in response (somebody find me that goddamn meme lmao<3), and brucie might still be processing clark's stupidity lol<3

it's funny tho, cause i have competency kink too~<3 and i love me a good boi team up/learnin' as we go~<3<3<3

practicality? pretty self explanatory... way back when... dc gave us detail on the urinals of the justice league and pretty much confirmed man of steel, woman of kleenex (my favorite<3). i could not make this shit up-- (thanks btw dd for sending me this shit now i HAVE to share it)

so. given that we know superman's piss stream is strong enough to *dent* reinforced titanium steel when *weakened*--.

do i really have to say much about his sphincter? it makes diamonds, it makes fucking diamonds, do not stick anything up there unless you wanna lose it forever.

from a practical sense, i never like making it *easy* for clark~<3 to bone someone lmao, it's just too fun<3<3<3 (blue k is always an option of course) but also... he can vibrate it (along with his fingers and tongue), he has infinite stamina. and he has no refractory period... ;)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

homelander is much the same, maybe with an added *lack* of control and def a bit moar scary leik, might deliberately murder you scary but STILL--

you could not fucking *PAY* me to miss a goddamn chance for superweiner--

not sure i wanna think about what martian manhunter has... but i'd still let him do whatever to me, honestly<3 he'd be the BEST gentle dom i *swear*. like he'd literally check in and politely ask on you instead of reading your mind and check for any discomfort and be SO SWEET and tender and caring, making sure you're okay the whole time and just genuinely give you an experience you're never gonna forget leik<3<3<3 J'ONN~<3! HHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH~<3<3<3

oops... ignore that--

and as for nose size~<3?

well~<3 OBVIOUSLY i want my bottoms to be getting the best they can<3 i SPOIL the shit out of them! of course we NEED the guy with the bigger dong nose to top, they should be havin' a grand ol' time~!

but back to that artist thing and genuinely, genuinely amazing. it's almost like a guarantee and i don't even know if people are aware of doing it, but it is always so hilarious and adorable to me. *especially* with billy butcher, the star of the anal gape show<3<3<3

"they just can't get my nose right!"

and of course no shade/disrespect to the actor (his nose is so goddamn cute<3<3<3 and i love it<3) or any other actors, or artists, but even *becca* (her nose is also cute and i love it~<3) had a bigger nose than him. seriously. homie's nose is fiiiiine~<3 but also actually bigger and longer. and it's just... ALMOST *guaranteed*. anyone who sees billy as a 'top' while drawing him *automatically* gives him the bigger/longer nose... and it just blows my mind how amazingly consistent that seems to be LOL (apparently like the study done on noses and weiners!)

what does that say about us, i wonder...?? (no seriously, i really wonder<3) adamant denial~<3 maybe? ;))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

billy boo does have the biggest eyes tho~<3<3<3

and apparently, did look it up... but it works inversely with bmi?? which... 100000% explains willem dafoe<3<3<3

it ALSO pretty much... confirms show homelander as their very own willem dafoe/norman osborn... and i never thought i'd have it THIS down bad for osborn but i can't with the things that does to me-- I'VE BEEN CONVERTED!! like the boi *already* is confimed *HUGE* canonically. *by BILLY* in the comic!

but by the gods--

down to the lovely eyes, scary smile, and psychosis. so it is that history repeats... hello mad daddy~<3

god i need to watch dafoe's spooderman again<3

I guess billy boo is now confirmed to be actually *compensating* for SOOOOOO much--

welp. i guess this explains why billy called himself an 'alpha male' unironically which i will never let him live down~<3 he already has the biggest gape i have EVER seen on a character. EVER. like. this boi. has enough gape to fit a goddamn planet up his ass. let's be generous and say that show boi billy is just at moon level. but it is still just. HUGE. which i guess makes homie just the perfect match for him given the willem dafoe vibes--

and honestly... it's beautiful<3

and the best part about billy is just how *self aware* he is of this. he postures to high hell and plays the part his dad would want him to, but he knows it's a goddamn problem, *addiction*, *hates* it, and spends his life looking for *solutions* and *self punishment*...

that's homie baby~<3

billy considered becca his *cure* (if the clear cut submissive role he took with her wasn't enough<3<3<3 SO CUTE<3<3<3) but *homelander* is the *replacement*. his *last resort*. cut my life into pieces--NOOOOO--

goddammit billy boo, i *really* do feel for you, i do... but lemme translate what billy butcher is *actually* saying in both the show and comic in going after homelander. cause lemme tell ya it ain't just revenge...

*destroy me, eviscerate me. because i am afraid of what i will do if you can't stop me. and because you took away the one who could save me, you owe me this and i will take it if need be.*

because there's *one* thing that billy fears, and he's had the ability to say it, even feel it... beaten out of him. but he almost always fully goes into battle *not* intending to come out of it. he *wants* to die and he hates himself a whole lot... and he knows. it's the thing his father gave him, the sickness he passed on that billy never wanted but can't control. but this would also be why he gives no fucks about 'collateral'.

even if by force or violence, billy wants to fail, he wants to be held down, he *wants* to lose, he wants to get knocked back down until he can't get back up anymore. he sure as hell isn't gonna make it easy for anyone, that's not in his nature, but he knows what happens if he can keep going.

billy knows he's a monster, but he is preconditioned to never control it. he sees the kindred monster in homelander, preconditioned to be *under control* but slipping through and vying to get loose... but homelander, despite everything *still* has control... billy wants to see it break, he *needs* it.

ugh~<3<3<3 yes, i know i am redundant with this shit<3 but it's just SO poetic<3<3<3 i CANNOT--

even season 3 evidenced their dynamic and dug in perfectly. scorched urf? the candle's fuckin' lit. herogasm? 3 on 1. ONLY A BRUISE--. billy, bloody smile~ comes back for more? billy gets his ass kicked by the dad on his own and only *maeve* gets anything done to homelander... who doesn't want to kill her, so he holds back even if she won't.

"i respect what you are even if you don't--."

got. damn...

but homie? he's the last lifeline, and he's tied to *both* sides of billy. and a people pleaser<3<3<3! who's also too dumb to get what's going on with billy, not that he'd care if he did... who's at the same time caught and curious by billy's obsession and the mirror between them<3

homie wants and knows how to please people... not just because he's been trained for it or a clear cut service top with dark~<3 elements<3<3<3 or because he wants the feeling he gets from their approval/admiration. very typical of a narcissist lmao, but also because of the added vulnerability that he is easily manipulated/exploited by the women in his life, not realizing he's a victim or being groomed/manipulated.

even the uh... *moment* he had with stillwell, she exploits his trauma and desire for a mother so directly that he just totally loses it and profusely appologizes. he's aware of how to *please* someone if ya get me~<3 ;))))))) (by the apology given at all) but he's *not* aware that she is abusing/exploiting his trauma in this way *because he lacks empathy for himself/has never genuinely had it given without some sort of exploitive exchange*, sort of opposite of billy in this sense too. poor dumb baby~<3!

what's really extra hilarious and ironic is that stormfront is pretty much what a lady billy would be but nowhere near as good as manipulating as him

but all homelander has ever known is the *examples* set before him by vought. and it's... quite obviously not a good one... :(((((((((((((((((( but he's *not* aware. billy is much the same, but he *is* aware. hence the deep buried cravings to be *free* vs. fucking approval ratings in homie, and *controlled* vs. lack of self control in billy... goddammit the fucking POETRY<3<3<3

so? it's just more of the same old same old. and homie loves, LOVES not having to hold back once he gets a taste for it... with *stormfront* no less... but *also* from billy in a different sense and now... beyond. still ADORE how he went flaccid on the nazi rhetoric lmao even this boi has his limits<3--

"let's light this candle--"

it's already fucking lit--

... you know full well how excited i get, lmao<3 and ya DID ask<3<3<3 XD

everyone else (to homelander): don't be what they made you... please for the love of fucking gawd, PLEASE--

billy: be what they fucking made you motherfucker, i wanna fuck FIGHT and see everything destroyed. i'll wait.

stormfront: be what we fucking made you, i wanna fuck and see everything not us destroyed. i won't wait.

but the short answer? i go by % of willem dafoe energy, the *CORRECT* answer is WILLEM DAFOE<3<3<3 (not to be confused with norman osborn... unless willem dafoe<3) DUH~!

WOOO-- goddamn... and i ain't even done yet. i spend WAY too much time obsessing over these fuckers, i SWEAR.

and ALSO the ladies~<3 are tops. all of them. ALL OF THEM. NO EXCEPTIONS-- lmao, KIDDING... maybe<3 (i might do another one going over mah lady~<3 ships<3<3<3 cause this got long... and i did get carried away with butchy and homie... of course i did. but you know how i love them<3<3<3)

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darksidescorner · 6 months

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Help why am I imagining Alleycat from Persona 5 playing as Miguel thinks about Gabi. It's SO deliciously sad

(I didn't know I'd be writing a blurb today. Not proofread, I'm sorry. Lemme tag it real quick: Angst, no comfort, no happy ending, Gabrielle)

I think about that song often anyways. It's so somber and sad in all the right ways. It gives me such powerful ideas for art. Ones that I swear I can see the composition of, and I can't see anything in my head. I don't think in pictures, yet this is a song I can see up there.

I'm imagining Miguel sat in his home, the lights are dim as it pours rain into the night. I'm imagining him holding up a holographic picture frame, and just sinking into the couch. I'm imagining how cold the colors are, and how even Gabi is a cold orange.

I'm imagining Miguel's face as he remembers everything. It's not guilt anymore, it's paralyzing grief. I'm imagining the sad smile he wears as he thinks of her before hugging the frame and letting the tears flow. I'm imagining how he hates himself for crying, because it doesn't help. It won't bring her back. It doesn't make him feel better. Its not an efficient use of his time. And yet, he can't help but cry. It's all he can do.

He can't bring her back. Maybe if he were just a little faster, he could have gotten Gabi through the portal. If he were a little quicker, maybe he could have gotten that daypass on her. If he were just a little smarter, he could have foreseen this coming. If he were a little stronger, he could have stopped the void from closing in on her.

If he were a little more, maybe this wouldn't have happened.

They say glitching is painful. Incredibly painful. It throws you off balance, knocks the air out of your chest, and breaks your cells down. Spiders and anomalies alike say it's the most painful thing they've ever experienced. That they'd rather die than do it again. It leaves you with a lasting headache and nausea. It leaves you woozy.

Miguel has never had the displeasure of experiencing that. But you know who did? Gabrielle.

His guilt makes him nauseous. His little girl, experiencing the most painful thing in the multiverse, and dying from it. It should have been him. He's dead no matter what. His spirit died with Gabrielle. It's floating through the void, the crushing weight of all that has happened to him. Of all that he caused. It twists him and rips him apart like he's a piece of paper.

And yet he carries on. Not because of any determination or willingness to, but because he's in limbo. Time will move forward no matter what, but he is stuck. He's frozen in time, on the day his baby died. So when he wakes up the next morning, and Gabrielle is nowhere to be seen, he's struck with the reality that it isn't a bad dream. His grief is him.

And so, life moves on, but he does not.

—————

Man this went from me trying to describe the visual I see in regards to Miguel from that song, to a blurb of guilt and sadness. GoddAYUM was it fun to write.

To anyone reading: play Persona 5 Royal if you have access to it. It is such a good story. That shit changed my life. Literally message me to talk about it. Spam my inbox about it. Ask me about how to get the 3rd Semester. I'll answer literally any question about it so that you don't Google it and get spoiled. I would rather get spammed questions about a character than have someone get spoiled something important.

@pinkpinkspidey

#miguel o'hara #atsv #across the spiderverse #spiderman atsv #atsv miguel #miguel o'hara angst #atsv fanfiction #atsv angst #spider-man 2099 angst #atsv miguel angst #Spotify

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n3xxs · 10 months

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♡𝑨 𝒔𝒊𝒎𝒑𝒍𝒆 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒎𝒊𝒔𝒆♥︎

Taken! Sae itoshi and heartbroken gender neutral! reader. Angst

Art not mine! Credit goes to the owner!

So another Sae post. I swear at this point I have an obsession. I can't stop drawing him and thinking of fan fiction ideas 😃. But nobody can stop me. Even if they tried 🤭. I'll try make this one angsty.

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𝑵𝒊𝒏𝒆 𝒚𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒔. That's how long it's been since you've seen your once childhood best friend Sae Itoshi. You still liked him. He was perfect in your eyes. From his pink hair and teal eyes to his personality and how athletic he was. You were in love for him for so long.

But you never expected him to break 𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒎𝒊𝒔𝒆. The promise you made nine years ago. The promise you made before you had to move. "We'll meet one day and finally be together. Right Sae?" You asked him with teary eyes as your parents waited for you to be done with your goodbyes before driving off. Sae only nodded. He couldn't look at you. If he did he would break down crying as well. He didn't want to let that happen. "Yes [name] I 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒎𝒊𝒔𝒆".

These simple words gave you so much hope. So much hope that you'll one day be together. But when you came back you were surprised with the information that Sae Itoshi now a famous soccer player has found a lover. She was everything you weren't. The complete opposite of you. You couldn't believe it. No. You could. You just 𝒅𝒊𝒅𝒏'𝒕 𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕 𝒕𝒐. But you had to believe it. You had to forget about Sae forever now. That hope you had was gone. With that it felt as if your world crashed down.

The moment you went to your apartment you didn't go out in days. Crying and trying to forget those sweet words you exchanged when you were younger. You just couldn't. That promise he made lingered in your mind every time you tried to forget all the words you exchanged.

It seemed at some point Rin found out about your arrival. You didn't know how but he did and you we surprised to see him at the front door. He was taller. And more handsome. He looked you up and down. You didn't look the prettiest. Being in your comfort clothes and your cheeks flushed with your eyes red from crying. When he saw that his normally cold glare turned into a soft one and he immediately tried to make you feel better. He bought you your favourite drinks and snacks but you still looked so depressed. "[Name] please tell me what's wrong. You weren't like this last time we talked" oh right. You talked often. You guessed he didn't talk to his brother a lot after he left him for Spain and didn't know about the relationship to tell you. "He found someone. The promise he made was broken" you said and you felt tears run down your face once again. Rins eyes widened and he looked down clearly annoyed "as much as I despise him talk to him. Maybe it will make you feel better" Rin took your hand and you looked up in his eyes. The same teal eyes as Sae. You shook your head and looked down crying. "No! What am I supposed to say!?" You looked at Rin clearly annoyed and pissed at this point and he looked down "that you are hurt".

Well it worked. You were now standing in front of Sae Itoshi. You still couldn't believe how much more handsome he became. It was unbelievable. He was way more muscular and his voice was way better. "[Name] hello. Long time no see huh?" He went for a hug but you pushed him away. He looked at you confused "you broke the promise" you looked at him in the eyes while your voice trembled. You hated how easily he made you cry. Her pinched the bridge of his nose "[Name] don't tell me that you still believed that stupid promise".

Once he said that you looked down and you broke down crying. Stupid? It wasn't stupid for you. It gave you hope. For nine years. 𝑵𝒊𝒏𝒆 𝒇𝒖𝒄𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒚𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒔. "What if I did!? What if that stupid promise made me continue forward only to come and get my heart broken by the person that was supposed to be my best friend!" You yelled and it echoed throughout the room. Sae looked at you with wide eyes but they soon became cold "you know I have a lover. Don't you? So why do you bring that? I will not leave her for you". What did you expect. That this was some random fairy tale and that he was gonna leave his perfect girl for you? You were stupid to think that. But you were angry. You stepped closer and before realising slapped him across the face " I wish I never loved you in the first place" you have him a cold look and rushed out of the office.

Sae touched his cheek that you slapped and with wide eyes looked at the now shut door when you left. Before he knew tears were falling down from his eyes. He did love you. But he was too impatient to wait. He was too stupid.

When you came back Rin was in your apartment in the kitchen making some sushi for the both of you. You smiled and hugged him to which he flinched but soon hugged you back "So how did it go?" He asked looking down at you "I slapped him. I don't wanna see him again. At least for now". Rin nodded and continued to hug you.

"You deserved better [Name]". You looked up and Rin gave you a smile. You felt your cheeks getting flushed and you quickly excused yourself to go and changed. When you were inside your room you quickly closed the door behind you and sat down on the floor. That feeling you just felt. 𝑾𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒇𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝑹𝒊𝒏?

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I'm sorry if it's not good. I can't write angst ;)

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#sae itoshi #itoshi sae #rin itoshi #sae angst #sae x reader #rin x reader

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ghost-the-silly · 4 months

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Ghost Intro, what

Hello!

Name: Ghost_Bean/Ghost

Age: Minor. I don't want any creepy people following or interacting w/ me, get out

Pronouns: They/them

Interests (In order of how much I focus on them): Murder Drones (current obsession, as you can probably tell...), Splatoon (not very educated on lore sadly...), Wings of Fire (wof discord servers), Nevermore (Webtoon), She-Ra, The Owl House, Steven Universe, Amphibia, KIPO

Uhh... There's probably more but whatever

Hobbies: Drawing traditional art, wondering if I'm doing the right thing on Tumblr, not getting enough sleep, reblogging Tumblr posts at 2 am, finding more Murder Drones blogs to follow, sleeping... Huh, ironic

What I Do: I reblog and like posts from my favorite blogs! I basically just lurk around, throwing love at people's art and posts. I hope that I can help people find cool blogs to follow :]

DNI: LGBTQ+ phobic, TERF, MAP, Zoo, etc, Proshipper. Don't be a bad person. That's all I fucking ask. Have common sense

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Fun facts/Trivia/Whatever you wanna call this:

- I'm in a lot of WoF Army servers, so feel free to ask me about them!

- I draw traditional art of wof ocs, but I'm also trying to figure out digital art! I also dream of being able to draw Drones one day, but anatomy is... a struggle 😭 (feel free to send me tips/guides btw!!!)

- My favorite MD characters and ships are: Doll, Cyn, Lizzy, and Yeva (top 4 char.) | Ships: Dizzy (Doll/Lizzy), RussianDuet (Yeva/Yeva's Husband ((does he have a name??)), Oilrose (J/V), Juzi (J/Uzi), and some others that I literally can't remember because brain no work

- I don't have any strong opinion or preference on ships when it comes to some characters like Uzi, V, J, N, etc as long as it's not problematic. I like seeing other people's ideas and headcanons, either about the characters or ships! I also like Butler N and Maid V, they would be so silly together fr

HOWEVER, I do NOT ship N/Cyn, I see them as siblings. Please, for the love of God..

- I may stop being active on Tumblr for a while at times, but don't worry, I'll be back eventually! [Update: Tumblr takes up ~69% of my screentime so... If I'm gone, assume I'm somewhere without wifi or just trying to save my battery]

- I swear. Just- I swear. I try to keep it to a minimum tho dw... Shit- (haha whoops). Ok but tbf MD has gotten me to say things like "Holy hell!" more often lol

- I like the color periwinkle!! I also like any color from teal to dark purple, and sage green on the side

- Uh... I also don't exactly know my way around Tumblr. Like... Can I reblog something without tags? Does it show if I accidentally un-liked then re-liked a post?? How does tagging work??? Just general stuff too, cause I mostly/only like and reblog cool things

- I'm an English speaker only :/ (but Google translate, my beloved <3)

- I use tone tags a lot! It helps me get my message across correctly, and I hope it helps others understand what I'm trying to say!/gen

- I say things like Dawg, Fr, On god, Silly, Goober, and other things like that quite often, so apologies if it gets annoying/gen

- My timezone is CST! 'Murica !!! 🔥🦅🇺🇲 (Get me out of here)

- Murder Drones is so cool, what, I can't see colors correctly anymore, help me (/pos, MD brings me joy)

- I don't do actual posts often so don't expect that much actual Ghost Content

- guh.

- I LOVE WOMEN THEY'RE SO PRETTY HOLDING HANDS WITH A GIRL WOULD FIX ME IM SUCH A GIRLKISSER (I've never kissed a girl)

- I love yuri. I need yuri. I wake up, yuri. I go to sleep, yuri. Always yuri. Robot yuri? Yes please. I wrote an essay on why I love Doomed/Toxic Yuri because yuri

- Other socials: ghost_bean on Discord, JustARandomGayPerson on toyhou.se

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That's it! Feel free to ask me anything (as long as it's not NSFW, political, hateful, etc), or let me know if I might've forgotten something! I'd love to answer any questions you might have, and I want to get to know Tumblr's silly and amazing community!

Have a great rest of your day/night, and may your favorite show get another season and an (actually good) movie

#introduction #ghost is losing their minds what #the tags #my newfound freedom and silliness #have a great day lol bye #how do i pin a post/j #ghost silliness

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sims-half-crazy · 1 year

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Sometime in 1890

"I'm really surprised that she could still bear children, Félicie. I swear some women just ooze a fertile essence. Not that I'm upset that my sister has born yet another child, and a son at that, but 7 children seems like more than her share. I know that it's only 6 mouths to feed with the loss of Josephine but still. I struggled to have 3. It just seems unfair," Effie complained uncharictaristically over brunch one day.

"I know, dear," Félicie cooed, "but each of us has as burden to bear and many children and short of funds is your sister's. You have much and are able to dole it out as you see fit. There is no one I know who is more charitable than you. You would give the dress off your back if someone needed."

"I don't know about that. I'm rather fond of my clothes. I am loving the new fashion of late. These sleeves are quite expressive," Effie's attention was diverted to a voice coming from behind her.

"Effie, you have gossip that you haven't shared yet and I'm so excited to steal your thunder," Emma came up the stairs and the women joined her in friendly felictations.

"What is she talking about? What gossip haven't you shared?"

"Oh, well it's really not mine to share. Gilbert should be the one to share it, but since Emma already knows I'll let her tell you."

Emma's face blushed a bit, but she was eager to share the good news. It'd been such a hard few years for their little group and good news was sometimes hard to come by. "Well, I heard from William that he overdheard at the gentleman's club that our new Chief of Justice is none other than one Mr. Collier!" Effie beamed with pride while Félicie clapped her hands in joy.

"That is wonderful news indeed! He must be so honored and pleased."

"He is, but it's not all sunshine and roses. He's working more and his condition is out of sorts more. We thought we had it handled, but more often he's feeling lightheaded or suffering from headaches. I told him that he may need to think about retiring in a few years. He, of course, scoffed at me, but there's another bit to all this. Eugene has told me that he and Goldie want to wait until he's done with his schooling, but that boy doesn't seem to ever want to be done. He assures me this is his last term, but he's already been there for years! He has secured himself some position in Springhaven as some sort of representative. Apparently, his mentor holds some sort of high position in the state of Washington's governor's cabinet and he's been able to appoint Eugene to something on the city's council. Eugene just needs to graduate. So now the plan is for Eugene to graduate, with honors hopefully, and get married here then they're off to Springhaven to begin their married lives. I will miss him so, and I'm hoping that Estella finds a husband quickly. I would like us to follow Eugene to Springhaven, the doctor was said that the sea air could be good for Gilbert." The women nodded solemnly. They knew the toll that Gilbert's health had taken on the family, and the lengths that Effie would go to keep her family together and healthy. "Of course, it would be grand if Estella would be with us but really that would be up to her husband."

"Does she have any prospects? She's a beautiful girl and so talented on the piano!"

"We should try to find a musicallly inclined gentleman for her. Someone who is a patron of the musical arts. Give her a leg up on the husband hunting so to speak."

"That is a wonderful idea, Emma. We should think on this as we finish our brunch."

#Gosnoll Ancestry #ts4 historical #sims 4 historical #ts4 decades challenge #simerican #sims 4 decades challenge #sims 4 random legacy #GA Gen 3 #GA Gen 2 #Eugene Gosnoll #GA 1890s #Estella Collier #GIlbert Collier #Effie Gosnoll #Goldie Hughes

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astralforests · 2 years

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📌 hi here’s a pinned post

astralforests/charlie/aster/whatever it's all good

they/them in a "don't yet know otherwise" way unless you do in fact know otherwise

30ish, sick, tired

draws things for fun and money, sometimes posts about it here

horse person who currently only owns cats and ferrets and lives with dogs additionally

hobbies include sleeping, entertaining my pets, walking in the woods, making up stories that i swear i'll write some day, sleeping, reading, window shopping for rural cabins across the country, looking at pictures of big mountains and crying, sleeping, thinking about but rarely playing ttrpgs, and accidentally sleeping whilst listening to podcasts

tired

sorry

i am laying down on the ground to sleep

do not disturb

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most posts queued. the queue is often 3 months long.

tagging is hit or miss these days although i occasionally back-tag for things i might want to find again

i do try to tag immediately for common content warnings; feel free to ask about what's likely to come up. can't promise i will remember to add new cw tags on request but you're welcome to inquire

my stuff at #astralpost

if you click the search box on the dash view of my blog it has a few suggested tags that i think are good to look at. enjoy

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arts at @asterwild and @astralwhat and photos at @cambcorder

see also @boatshows (boat-adjacent media and history) and @hailtowhatever (misc fanart reblogs)

there are more sideblogs. ask about them or just hang around and they'll come up eventually

---

thanks be good i love you bye

#new pinned mostly for the sake of making it unrebloggable #although information is also slightly updated

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roanniom · 1 year

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i would be super interested in hearing about what your writing process is like! e.g. do you write large amounts in a few sittings, or sporadic bits across lots of sessions? do you edit as you go, or do you go back at the end for a once over? do you reread your work after it’s been posted? how do you get yourself to write when you may not be in the mood? how do you combat writers block? how do new ideas come to you? what’s your biggest motivation to write? etc. etc. etc. (that’s a lot of questions oops—don’t feel pressured to answer them all!!)

Hi anon! I love talking about my writing on here, so happy to answer.

I usually write large amounts. Generally speaking I will have a draft going and then I'll keep coming back to it, but most of a fic will be written in like three big spurts. It really depends on the piece. What often happens is I will work on it in bits and then finish the entire second half all in one sitting because I get impatient and I just want it done. I do not edit at all really. I do my best to catch typos, and after it's posted if I notice typos I will go back and try to adjust, but I don't sit and read through to edit. I also post it the SECOND it is finished. It's the reason I don't use any fun art or fancy formatting. I swear to god, it's like if I don't post something the MILLISECOND it is out of my brain I will jump out of my skin so I just yeet it into the void of tumblr and take a deep breath.

I reread my work all the time. The day I've posted something I'll usually read it because I kinda blackout when I write, so it is super fun for me to read and go "wow, that's cool, I like that" because I sort of disassociate. It feels like someone else wrote it because I don't remember writing it usually lol. And then I'll reread an old fic if someone reblogs it or engages with it and I realize I don't remember it well.

First and foremost I write for me. I write what I am entertained by, I write what turns me on, I write what I fantasize about. That's why, despite my definitive intention to write inclusive reader characters, I predominantly write fem!reader - this is wish fulfillment for me and I do it to benefit me lol. So I enjoy rereading my own fics because they are tailormade to my taste, my kinks, my preferences. Not saying I do it constantly, but yep! I read them.

Inspiration is easy. Everyone on here is just as feral as I am and I am lucky enough that people send me in really juicy requests and thots and would you rathers and those are amaaaaazing jumping off points. My problem is that people send me way more good ideas than I have the time to write so my inbox and drafts are FULL.

As for writing and getting in the mood - I do not make myself write if I'm not in the mood. This is not my job. Nobody is paying me to do this. I only do it because I feel like it, so if I don't feel like it, I do not force myself to do anything.

With writer's block, that only happens on part 2s and 3s. It's the reason I am mainly a one shot bitch. The pressure builds and gets to me and it makes it easier to put writing off. I'm trying to become better about it, but also be kind to myself because, again, I am doing this for fun.

What's lucky is that I often AM in the mood, so that's not an issue. Inspiration comes from reading other people's fics to be honest. I LOVE reading fic, even more than writing it, so I consume a lot. What often happens is I'll read a fic and expect it to go a certain way and if it doesn't I'll go "hmmm...well now I will write that." Or if I realize I like a tone or something, I mentally begin riffing on it and decide to write it my own way. I read a lot of romance novels, too (many of which are a LOT shittier than some of the amazing fanfics I've read) and that keeps me well versed in tropes and conventions and I like to try my hand at different ones.

Last but not least....I'm very horny and very repressed and very bored lol.

I've said it before and will say it again - I write this stuff because I don't have it my life and this is my kind of manifestation. <3

#anon #fic writing #hope this ranting answer helps in any way!!!

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rachymarie · 3 months

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I think I'm gonna admit defeat and crawl back to bed now. And try Fae Farm

And then when I wake up BY 3-3.30 (I swear, if it's the last thing I do I must awake well before 5 and get shit done), I am doing this damn makeup look and subsequent photoshoot even if I have to do it in my sleep. (Ok that's a gd lie I am a giant baby when it comes to "just pushing through" the extreme fatigue, it feels near impossible to "just push through" schizospec-level fatigue I'm sorry but it's true. PLEASE may there be an actual treatment for the negative symptoms in this lifetime please 😫. But basically I am just determined and I guess the way I can help it happen is to not keep rambling on the internet and get onto the the activities that power down my system: watching raccoons eating and listening to ASMR, and set three alarms on both my devices to go off at the same time 3 different times staggered every half hour (likely 2, 2.30, and 3 pm) and also the max 2 alarms allowed on my proper alarm clock starting 2 mins after the final device alarm (so 3pm, then 3.30. Then if all of them can't wake me by the final alarm, it's in god's hands lol.

Also if you're still with me, pro-tip:

Don't put your alarm longer than 2 hours from the time you intending to start nodding off to sleep. I believe if you nap longer than 1.5 hours it's no longer just a nap and ventures into deep sleep territory which is much harder to wake up from and has led me to sleep well into the evening even waking up after 10pm bedtime. My doctor agreed with my hypothesis. If your condition means you really need that rest then ok maybe sleep longer, but if you can avoid it you don't want to severely mess (further) with your (so-called) circadian rhythm that enables you to sleep at the normal time (night). I often get a whole new energy and mindset after a decent nap that doesn't drag on too long. And I need to try utilizing that time more to get the mountains of tasks on my to do list done. But not allow myself to get overwhelmed and burnt out too

Please for the love of Goddess, let me wake up in time to do the things that need to be done.

Mornings used to be a productive time for me but now they seem to be for rambling as I get a bit lost in my head and writing out notes upon notes of Epiphanies and Musings/ideas and so on

My friend said she wants to see me thrive which is all well and good (except for her describing me still living at my mum's place by the time I'm 40 as if it's the saddest thing ever, which is a bit ableist - and honestly, I'll be lucky to still have safe and healthy housing by then. But secretly still like to pander to the "delusion" that I will make it big overnight with my art or social media or something. That delusion to one day make it financially doing my own thing my own way keeps me getting out of bed in the morning everyday at 6 no matter how the mornings keep devolving into rambly disorganized chaos, honestly. That I can somehow build a livelihood off of art) - if a bit condescending, but I don't have the capacity for that at present or at least her or most people's version of thriving. I'm endlessly passionate/inspired, but SO SO tired.*

Disabled thriving is totally gonna look different to non-disabled or more neurotypical thriving (which is really just being a slave to capitalism/hustle culture let's be real)

*another post incoming next on that lol

#disorganized #disorganized speech #fatigue #extreme fatigue problems #just a schizospec tryna get through the day with something nice to show for it #wanna do above the bare minimum for once

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oldarticles · 4 months

Text

The Lost Art of the First Date

by Jake Hurwitz

One big difference you might notice the first few weeks of college is that the dating scene practically disappears. This may seem cool at first, but random drunken hookups never happen quite as often as you want them to, and more often than not they happen with the overweight friend of the girl you really want. I don't know about anyone else but I don't like having my first dates at a frat house with all the brothers trying to hit on the same girl I'm after. And I don't like that holding some hammered girl's hair back as she pukes in some bushes by her dorm is the new way to be "romantic." If you ask me, I think what every college girl needs is a good old fashioned first date. And if you've already forgotten how those work, then you're in luck. In my experience I've learned that a good first date basically comes down to about 4 components, maybe 5 if you get the first 4 right *wink*. So, without further ado, let me present to you "Jake's Foolproof Plan for a Sweet First Date"

1. Dinner: You're probably thinking you should take her out for a nice fancy Italian dish. WRONG! That's a total rookie mistake, girls love cheeseburgers, they all do. If she tells you she's a vegetarian just say you got her a veggie burger, then later reveal the awesome truth. She'll probably think it's hilarious. When its your turn to order kindly ask the waiter what the most expensive thing on the menu is, once he answers say, "That sounds good, I'll have two." At the end of dinner I tend to think the girls like you to tell them how expensive the meal was, just so they know you're packing some serious cash. Also, sneak in just how large a tip you're leaving. Girls like a generous guy.

2. Movie: Let's go with something artsy. A foreign film even, the kind with the English subtitles on the bottom. Before the previews start I like to engage in conversation by telling her about my SAT scores, padded ever so slightly, and informing her of how many Polo shirts I own. If by some stroke of bad luck she says that her SATs are higher than yours simply change the number. i.e. "Did I say 1350? I meant 1500." This will undoubtedly evoke some skepticism from your date, but don't worry, just vehemently swear to God that you meant to say 1500 and she'll leave it alone.

3. Dessert: How about ice cream? Use this time to gab about the movie a little, what you liked and didn't like. I usually like to talk about how the leading actress was "sooo hot", or compare myself to the main male actor, only I suggest that I'm probably better looking and I should have, in fact, been cast for the part rather than him. Not that I have a lot of acting experience, or any at all, but I just think I'd be a sweet actor.

4. Leisurely Stroll: The last leg of your date will require a quaint yet romantic stroll through town or around campus. During this walk I like to display my aerobic ability by doing a few cartwheels, I then engage my date to try a few as well, of course I make sure to tell her that mine are better and that she looks like a drunk monkey. If conversation begins to lag, just ask her, "Where do you summer?" You can space out now until she returns the question, now you say, "Wherever the hell I want." Yeah, that sounded awesome.

Finally, walk your date to the front door of her dorm while telling her what a great time she must have had, once there you may get that mesmerizing first kiss", but if, instead, you get the veer off at the last second kiss on the cheek, the double armed hug, or God forbid, the high five, always play it cool. And take it from someone who has gotten more than a few lines like, "I'll call you sometime!" as they hastily vanish though the doorway, somehow forgetting to take down my number. The double-armed hug, hell, even a one-armed hug, is a great start for a first date. So next time you're standing outside some hot girl's dorm, basking in the glow of your dating triumph, don't forget who got you there: me. You're welcome

#jake and amir #college humor

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delta-83 · 9 months

Text

Even though the lamp shines a bright light,

It's always the deep night, eternal twilight.

Try to write what I think is right, always failing with my sight.

Soon all of those demons watching shall unite, soon they'll bite.

Maybe I should ignite the light so I can fight and rewrite,

But it's too late to incite courage, to gain insight.

So here with a keyboard I write here in the daylight,

Although all that exists is twilight and night.

Try to mask it all,

Yet to no surprise I fall.

Grown up too fast,

Memories I hold close to last.

Have to be the best,

Ace every test.

Now I look back and all I see,

Is someone that doesn't look like me.

Hold it all inside,

Despite being what I abide.

My mistake,

I let it all out in one take.

I try to pay attention,

But all I focus on is inner tension.

Trust me please when I say I try to try.

It's not visible to the naked eye.

I'm not made of atoms but of remorse,

Gaining more with each painful course.

I ponder my death often, all the ways

Never with caution, the wasted days.

Although, I should be safe from the Reaper.

You can't kill what's been killed, sorry creature.

He can collect the corpse, all of it.

I've apparently already sold my soul for a profit.

Every night, making a vow.

To change my ways.

Although somehow,

That 'vow' withers and decays the next day.

I need will, I need motivation,

Something to prevent further devastation.

Act like I've done a one-eighty,

Yet all I've done is a three-sixty.

Slowly going crazy,

Now I've started to hate me.

I need will, I need help,

Soon enough I can't be dealt.

I write poetry about my woes,

Praying that they'll magically go away.

Thou fine being above who knows,

Help thy child, show her the way.

But reward never comes without work,

Work that'll surely cut the heart like a dirk.

Twinkle twinkle little star,

Why must you stay like a scar?

Up above the world so high,

Like my dreams that said goodbye.

To reach it, I crawled up the water spout,

Heavy was the rain that washed me out.

Out came the sun, and dried up all the rain,

Only in dreams did that happen though, with no pain.

Just to think, I sat on a wall of buried emotions, quite very tall,

Soon, the dark caved in and I lost sight, had a great fall.

And nothing at all,

Was able to put me back together again.

Stay back, stay away,

Don't say sorry, some advice.

Leave me be, just please.

A simple design,

Compressed and cold, hold it in.

What can I say, really.

The sun and moon swap,

And everything gets worse here.

So lonely, cold, dark.

It fills, the feeling trills,

It encases, coming anew with new faces,

It's what kills, interesting skills.

Plagues the mind of all places, no traces, heart races.

Pace raises, simple phases.

My strongest fears contained in nimble phrases.

The sweetness of knowledge.

Everything has a sensible answer,

One that will be found I pledge, almost fall off the ledge.

And everything must have a paired question I swear, right there.

Everything must have reason, no teasin',

Everything I must doubt, no way out.

Only things that's pleasin' my mind, disease ridden,

Although what is this route, what am I going without, what is this all about?

I fear I'll be consumed by this need and desire,

That it'll go higher, transpire, turn dire.

But why should I worry when I got my friends,

They got my back now right?

Not when I pain them again and again, no end.

"Nono it'll be alright, don't fight, it's alright," I recite.

Try to change my ways, many days, time withered away.

Am I supposed to be alone, deaf to lovely major tone, lost out in the zone?

At night, fears come out to play, in the absence of day, while I lay.

And this amongst them has been grown, the idea of lone, engraved deep into the bone.

Nothing suffocates more, nothing has debates galore,

Like this idea of being alone forevermore.

Contradictions tear my sense of self apart, damaged soul and broken heart,

Can barely remember what I was like, broken psych,

Somehow can break a self with simple thoughts, many parts, a fine art.

Hits like a strike, struck by a spike, unlike many of the like.

Should I even try anymore?

Shouldn't I at least make an attempt?

Reality isn't real, not now, not before, not at my core that's been tore.

Yet I may be wrong, just a thought unkempt, from order an exempt.

I should stop writing, fighting, inciting, igniting,

I should be rewriting, righting, alighting the mind, might be delighting.

In a coffin six feet under, a horrible blunder, body and soul asunder,

A love for death yet a fear for its arrival, the rival of my survival.

Dream of it day and night, always in wonder.

When I get the chance, I'll run away from the final trial like a scared coward, no denial.

I fear my heart making its last beat, the final feat, the sizzling heat of Hell beneath, need I repeat?

Yet always I recite "Take me away Death," with every breath.

How about I go take a seat before I call defeat and retreat,

Before I descend into the pit of incredible depth.

And let's not forget my aching heart,

Hit by Cupid's own sneaky dart.

A simple art,

Always lingering in my mind, it simply tears me apart.

Letting go and dismissing all these feelings would be smart,

Yet here they remain, a subpart.

And what would happen if they knew?

The tension is thick, and I have no clue if it shrunk or grew.

I know I don't deserve them anyway, through events true,

Yet no matter what I do these emotions, I can't subdue.

To deserve this, what did I do?

No matter, I'll just keep my affection hidden from their view.

I'm on the tightrope ready to fall and shatter,

Cause deep inside I've damaged myself, that's the matter.

Been beating my own dead corpse, making myself sadder.

Just one slip up and I fall, tattered and battered.

Deep breaths, deep breaths,

It's either stress or death and I'd rather not take the latter.

Yet, some days I wonder if that's even a choice anymore.

#poem #poetry

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boingolungs · 1 year

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Study week is coming and I generally like to type a whole summary at the end of the semester when one ends. Holy Fuck I've been at home most of this semester. Like the amount of times I've actually went to my Uni is either at the single digits or barely past the double digits. So yeah. I wonder if it wasnt for the pandemic how often would I actually be at school. I asked my sister and she just said that I probably would've been there a whole lot. So yeah Fuck. Anyway as an art major looking back I made more shit I like I did this semester compared to last. Which I would probably upload images of but no. I keep my Uni art away from my big tiddy Tumblr Twitter art. Which I haven't done in a while but I'll get back on the horse. Soooo...... A painting I did do that I really liked is this weird nun painting and honestly...

Imma make a big tiddy spooky nun! If the good ol book is telling the truth I'm probably going to hell but considering how I like cute guys and scary chicks I'm probably going to hell either way so that's groovy.

So now I only have two semesters of uni left. It would be one but the art higher ups like to fuck over students so a class that is required that I haven't taken yet is only on during the fall semester. So I'm just gonna be getting as much credits I need this semester and finish up the last class next semester. And then I'll probably get a job for some experience.

Who knows maybe the winds push me a different way and I'll be married to a rich older woman (still like milfs) and live a comfortable life or a cute dude whose is a hard worker. I didn't say dilf cause I don't like dilfs. Hell who knows maybe I'll be a vtuber or get back into IT. (I hated IT)

But let's get a bit existential since like only two mutuals will read this also hey love you and appreciate you homie! Are you ok I hope you are. Anyway the existential dread I wanna hop onto for awhile. Not what happens when I die but more so do you ever wonder what happens to where you live in the next 10 years? Now I'm not talking about family I'm talking about landscape and environmental shit because holly balls to the walls when the city you live in is extremely reliant on a lake that is drying up and you live in a desert. Boy howdy are you fucked! Because the lake I live next to or too is gonna be gone in the next 10 years. Which bring some to this. Where would I go? Who would I be by that time? Will I still be the guy I am? Or maybe something new?

And you know what the answer to all those questions are. Who fuckin knows.

Right now however you know what I'm thinking about?

THIS FUCKING BITCH WHO IVE BEEN TRYING TO SUMMON GOD DAMMNIT FIRST THEY DIDNT GIVE RAIKO, THEY DIDNT GIVE ME VAN GOGH, THEY DIDNT GIVE ME, RAIKOU AGAIN, AND THEY DIDNT GIVE ME A COSMIC HORROR GIRL, AND THEY WONT GIVE ME THIS SNAKE BITCH GOD FUCKING DAMNIT JUST GIVE ME THE SNAKE BITCH HAVE PITTY ON ME IVE BEEN GETTING SERVANTS I DONT FUCKING WANT LIKE COME THE FUCK ON JUST GIVE ME THE SNAKE BITCH IM NOT SINKING MONEY INTO FGO SHES THE ONLY SERVANT I WANT FOR A GOOD WHILE COME THE FUCK ON I BLAME MY WEIRD FUCKING LUCK FOR NOT GETTING HER I SWEAR TO GOD AN I GOT COCK TEASED BY SUMMONG A GOLDEN CARD SABER WHO WASNT FUCKING IBUKI DOUJI AKA SNAKE BITCH INSTEAD I GOT SOME SABER FACE I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT JUST GIVE ME THE SNAKE BITCH

Also it turns out I haven't been eating Philadelphia sandwiches I've just been eating fajita burgers with cheese

#i hate fate grand order #if it wasn't for Scherezade i would've quit #also fuck you i love Scherezade #fgo

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pumpkinpaix · 3 years

Text

on translation (again), 知己, "soulmates", danmei, and cdrama subtitling

aka, cyan wanders off into the weeds and lies down to be swallowed by the earth because whatever.

almost two months ago, i made a brief impromptu salt post after encountering something frustrating at the end of a long day. i didn't actually want to have a conversation about it, but then everyone kept talking in the replies and i said fuck it and wrote like 7k words in an emotional frenzy before shoving it into my drafts because i couldn't stand to look at it anymore. but hey, i came back to it and did my best with whatever the fuck this ended up being, so here, have the full avalanche of only marginally organized thoughts. take it or leave it.

if you're new here, you may want to read my last big post on translation. there are two other posts linked at the beginning of that one which provide context. they will (hopefully) give you some idea of where I stand when it comes to translation as an art/practice if you don't already know.

i am also going to be blunt: those posts were made over half a year ago and i had a LOT more patience to spare back then for anglophone cdrama/danmei fandom. these days, i can't even browse fic for five minutes without losing my temper, so like. you know. fair warning, I am still trying to be kind, but I hit my breaking point sometime back in 2020 my dudes.

if you're still with me, cheers to u mate let's go

basically: at this moment in time, I despise "soulmates" as a translation for 知己 in the contexts of english subtitles for danmei live-action adaptations. when CQL first came out, I was neutral-critical of the translation--it wasn't what I would have chosen, but I understood why the choice was made, and it was tolerable to me in most cases. there are even certain situations where I still think it makes fairly good sense, ignoring metatextual concerns. however, approximately *checks notes* two years later and after the entrance of SHL onto the anglophone danmei cdrama fandom scene, I've revised that opinion to no, actually "soulmates" is bad and i hate it, specifically for how it's been picked up and misconstrued in anglophone fandom spaces and the consequences thereof. i swear to GOD if i had KNOWN how much psychic damage I was going to take because of this translation choice, I would have salted and burned the earth under it at the outset!!!! hindsight is 20/20 (ha) or whatever!!!

i know that that's a controversial take, but if you wanna hear me out, i shall continue forthwith beneath the cut

anglophone fandom goes fucking wild for 知己, from "omg and they were soulmates" jokes to screaming about netflix's summary for the untamed:

In a magical world of inter-clan rivalry, two soulmates face treacherous schemes and uncover a dark mystery linked to a tragic event in the past.

not gonna lie it was only funny the first few times haha yes indeed these two omg ~soulmates~ how did they get this past censorship etc etc. but now? i just find it aggravating. on particularly bad days, i have to put the internet down gently or I'll start crying.

look. i get it. there is a delight in seeing what feels like a daring flaunt of government restrictions, especially when it's something close to your heart, something close to your personhood. get wrecked, wangxian too gay for the censors etc. we cannot be suppressed. or, perhaps in more familiar terms, "we're here, we're queer, get used to it."

there's a flavor to the way a lot of these offhand comments and jokes about gay couples somehow "getting through" censorship in BL cdramas that makes me flinch when I see them. it's hard to pinpoint and describe--but maybe it's the lack of fear. chinese governmental censorship of the media is. not a joke, you know? there can be severe consequences for crossing the state. do you remember the case of tianyi? do you remember the disappearance of fan bingbing? do you remember li wenliang?

do you remember this post?

what troubles me about 知己 and "soulmates" in particular is how it's often held up as some kind of evidence of how brazen and cheeky the media in question is being--to the point where sometimes people will claim or imply that translating 知己 as anything other than "soulmates" is somehow queer erasure. that 知己 in the contexts of both CQL and SHL carried explicit romantic intent and to not encode that romantic tone within the english translation/subtitle would be, idk, the equivalent of calling wangxian and wenzhou galpals or whatever.

im. okay. im gonna be real with you right now. this just isn't fucking true. moreover, i find this kind of attitude to be such a shallow, one-dimensional approach to the politics of queerness in text, especially in the contexts we're dealing with here. this kind of rhetoric runs adjacent to painfully recent, american-centric chronically online discussions on representation and visibility in pop culture/media that I often find lack complexity and compassion. it feels intensely tied to the american culture of gay pride, the notion that being loudly, explicitly out is the best or only way to embody queer progress and that to do otherwise is, on some level, a betrayal. this isn't even a new conversation. here's a piece that appeared in salon from 1999 in which the author talks about his own misgivings about the culture and focus on pride. it's dated, certainly, but i can't pretend i'm not like. kinda depressed about the fact that so many of his points feel acutely relevant to me, almost exactly 22 years later.

you cannot measure chinese media with the same standards you might measure US (or UK or whatever) media because they are produced within very different cultural, political and historical contexts. being queer in the US or being POC in the US does not automatically give you a privileged understanding of the issues that surround the chinese media industry! i am fucking chinese-american and i had to do a lot of fucking personal work just to understand what little I do right now because it would be ridiculous to say that my heritage somehow gives me perfect access to the whole picture.

i don't. usually like to talk about my academic qualifications--most of the time I see people flexing on that front, I remain highly suspicious because well. look, I also have a college degree in Something Or Other and i was Not Impressed with like 80% of my peers. i know exactly how little you need to do to get a degree at a good, private university in the states. but I think it's tangential to my point, so: I come from an academic background that gave me access to a lot of knowledge and modes of thought which make me uniquely suited to talking about these sorts of subjects, and despite all of that, i still don't feel comfortable outright passing judgment on the majority of issues surrounding danmei fandom/media/etc. it fucking boggles my mind that there are some of you out here really trying to position yourselves as moral arbiters of something most of you can't even grasp in its original language, much less its rich cultural context. you may have noticed that my stance on almost everything is "it's complicated! here's what I believe i understand" so tbh the hubris on display is quite frankly astounding. my irritation with the "soulmates" effect is just a minor facet of *gestures* everything.

i know that the language i'm using is not particularly gentle. i hope you can understand and forgive me for having some ugly, vicious emotions after an ugly, vicious two years, both within fandom and without. i am not trying to punish anyone. i'm just. you know. running really low on good faith and patience.

i ultimately can't blame people for latching onto the soulmates translation--it's compelling, it feels unexpectedly explicit, and it was provided by "official sources" (oof). this is more an entreaty to spend a little more time thinking about some assumptions you may be holding or to reconsider your stances on a few things. maybe you'll ultimately disagree with me--that's fine. i don't want people to agree with me just because I said it, I want people to agree with me because they considered my words and judged them to be sound. but the fact still remains that 知己 isn't revolutionary or even particularly daring. you could call it capitulation and even that wouldn't be inaccurate. it is a socially acceptable way to label an intimate bond between two men in stories, platonic or otherwise. of course they're 知己. it's not the use of 知己 itself that makes an onscreen relationship more or less explicitly romantic but the context of the rest of their interactions. 知己 has multiple valences, and to pretend or assume that the romantic one is the only relevant reading of it is an oversimplification that I feel devalues both the depth of the term itself and, more broadly, love that does not take a romantic form. at its core, 知己 is about intimacy--in many shapes and at many levels.

before i continue, please read @hunxi-guilai's post about 知己 and how it can vary in meaning and gravity depending on context. I'm gonna quote the paragraphs that are particularly relevant to my points here because no offense, i don't trust anyone to read anything or put in the effort to meet me halfway anymore.

first:

People seem shocked when 知己 zhiji is a term dropped in casual conversation or daily dialogue, and they really shouldn’t be; it is as weighty or as casual as someone makes it in the moment. It is a living, breathing word that is actively employed in vernacular vocabularies, not some ancient artifact only pulled out and dusted off for the most significant/dramatic of occasions.

and second:

In the 《天涯客》 audiodrama, Zhou Zishu calls Wen Kexing a zhiji just for noticing that he’s sunning himself on the street (because Wen Kexing is the only one who sees through Zhou Zishu’s disguise at that moment, and doesn’t take him for a beggar). At that point, they haven’t even exchanged a single word, and Zhou Zishu remarks to himself that he hadn’t thought to meet a 知己 zhiji. He makes no more of it than that–just the acknowledgement oh, someone understood me, before moving on with his day.

i think problems arise for a few reasons.

1) a lot of people just do not understand translation from a practical standpoint, which I blame on a combination of flawed education systems and a failure to apply critical reasoning to situations involving translation. i think this is definitely a problem in the US specifically--that's the public education system I grew up in and have personal experience with, and I can say that with a fair amount of confidence. because of this, I see a lot (and i mean a lot) of people insisting on one-to-one translations of terms, concepts, etc. there is a lot of concern with "accuracy" and "what's the correct/proper translation for x then". if you read my last series of posts on translation that i linked up at the beginning of this post, you may have noticed that trend and my frustrations with it. this is less an issue with "poor" or "bad" translations themselves, but with how people have learned (or perhaps, not learned) to interact with translations.

2) a related issue to point 1 is that beyond not understanding the basic complications inherent to all translation is the subsequent (predictable) lack of understanding regarding different types of translation and how different branches of translation will prioritize different things entirely and implement completely different techniques. literary translation is very different from legal translation, which is very different from subtitling for mass market release, which is different from academic translation, which is different from comics translation, which is different from video game localization, which is different from machine translation, which is different from live interpretation etc. etc. etc. this is a problem not only for laypeople but also for professionals who work in translation industries that have little to no interaction with other types of translation. a professional legal translator isn't automatically qualified to talk shit to me about literary translation (and vice-versa) because we have fundamentally different goals, philosophies, and concerns. furthermore, translation as a trade vs translation as an art require different knowledge bases and skills--I'm a terrible medical interpreter, but an excellent literary translator.

3) so put these two gaps in general knowledge together, combine them with an explosively growing fandom, two languages that are notoriously difficult to translate between, the unfortunate political snarl surrounding the source material, then add a dash of tumblr-twitter university-flavored social justice rhetoric, a heaping metric fuckton spoonful of sinophobia, and you get the unfortunate, "知己 EQUALS SOULMATE IF YOU DO ANYTHING ELSE IT'S BOWING TO CENSORSHIP STOP ERASING QUEERNESS FROM MEDIA" take.

is this a (somewhat unkind) hyperbolic representation? i mean, yeah. but please remember, this take also manifests in things like "then what's the proper translation for 知己 [or any other complicated term]?" and "but 知己 is a way of getting around the censors by implying romance, right?" and "well, how do you keep the original [romantic] meaning of 知己 in translation then?" and "omg they really said soulmates" and "CQL/SHL said SOULMATE RIGHTS" and "wangxian/wenzhou are soulmates 😭😭😭😭" and, as i've stated, my least favorite: "CQL/SHL said fuck the censors they're soulmates".

these are fairly innocent on their own--like I said, despite the very serious digression i took up there, I get it. I understand the impulses, I understand why it's fun, but when it piles up and gets repeated over and over, it starts to wear. just. please think twice before idk, hinging entire premises on the misconception that two characters are "canonical soulmates" or making yet another fucking censorship joke or hot take that i personally have to see. stop using chinese state-sponsored censorship as a prop in your bids for internet clout and/or self-absorbed political agendas projected onto fictional characters.

okay.

with that said, i guess now it's time for some more regularly scheduled cyan programming: obsessive opinions about translation choices.

besides often finding online fandom's current preoccupation with explicitly stated queer representation simplistic and uncompassionate or whatever, I also, for petty, personal reasons, just think it's just such an unbelievably boring and unimaginative way to engage with language and literature--with the power of things that are left unsaid, with subtext and subtlety! yes, there is great power and value in explicit statements, but there is also power in the implicit. the wholesale dismissal of anything less than open declarations results in, i think, some pretty hollow takes (and some seriously lackluster writing).

so what are the artistic reasons for why I don't want to see "soulmate" for 知己 anymore?

as hunxi explained in her post, 知己 is a term that changes meaning and gravity depending on context and situational usage. just as it can be used with great significance, it can also be a totally casual thing. taking into account the tendency for fandom at large to think of translation as a one-to-one equivalency, when you consistently translate 知己 into "soulmate" you end up with... issues.

i think this is specifically due to its immutable register--"soulmate" is an inherently weighty term, something that is not true for 知己. furthermore, "soulmate" is likely to carry a romantic connotation in english, which, once again, is not true for 知己. this leads to, I think, a lot of misunderstanding and analytical mistakes when discussing both CQL and SHL, because even if people do understand that it's not an exact translation, there's still a persistent belief that 知己, like soulmate, is inherently weighty and sometimes almost explicitly romantic.

let's talk about CQL and SHL to illustrate my point. that's why most of you are here, isn't it?

CQL first. ep 25. the godforsaken iconic 知己 exchange.

[ID: screenshot from episode 25 of the untamed during the 知己 conversation. lan wangji and wei wuxian face each other in profile. there are no words onscreen. /end ID]

this bitch.

here is the original dialogue:

LWJ: 你把我当成什么人？ WWX: 我曾经把你当作我毕生知己 LWJ: 現在仍是

there are numerous translations of these lines--both netflix and youtube (as of 15 june 2021) render 知己 as "confidant": netflix:

LWJ: Who do you take me for? WWX: I once treated you as my lifelong confidant. LWJ: I still am.

youtube:

LWJ: who do you take me for? WWX: I had once taken you as my whole-life confidant. LWJ: Still, I am.

however, the version that I know most people latch onto/are familiar with is the one where wei wuxian's line is subtitled as something like, "I once saw you as my soulmate of this lifetime". if I remember correctly, the WeTV subs originally had this, as did netflix. the episode description of 25 on wikipedia notes that "Wei WuXian answers that he used to treat Lan WangJi as a soulmate." other instances of 知己 are also now rendered as "confidant" (or "true friend" in one instance), but you can see some of the original translations in screenshots collected in this tweet from december 2019.

on the off-chance that the tweet is moved/deleted, here is a screenshot of the images in question:

[ID: four screenshots from the untamed with different pieces of dialogue that include the term "soulmate". /end ID]

top row, left to right are from episodes 7 and 25. the bottom row is two moments from episode 43, in case anyone is insane like me cares. yes i did pull that almost entirely from memory rip my brain storage space

if I were forced to keep soulmate for at least one instance, i would pick the bottom right scene in 43, where wei wuxian remarks: "人生得一知己, 足矣." // "to have a 知己 in one's lifetime, that is enough". unless i'm forgetting another instance, i would argue that this is wei wuxian's weightiest use of the term throughout the entire series: this is in the present-day arc (so after *handwaves* all that trauma), lan wangji just stood beside him publicly and declared his loyalty on the steps of jinlin tai in front of the most prominent figures in their sphere, we're getting close to the resolution of the plot, and wei wuxian has just learned about lan wangji's punishment, aka the depths of his devotion. to go a little deeper, this is a quote from 20th century poet lu xun and is written in an elevated register. putting aside that this is a 20th century literary reference in fantasy ancient china (but then again: there's really no point in trying to "accurately" date CQL. you may as well try to "accurately" date game of thrones), i think the register is meaningful because wei wuxian moves between registers depending on context, but in everyday speech, is most likely to sit comfortably in a colloquial range. an elevated register carries significance for him, unlike lan wangji for whom this is the norm. (yet again: see hunxi's post on linguistic register in CQL for the rundown on that)

this is in stark contrast to the moment in episode 7 depicted in the top left image. wei wuxian and lan wangji have just presented the yin iron to lan xichen and lan qiren and explained their little adventure at the cold springs. wei wuxian speculates on how everything is connected and lan xichen confirms his reasoning and adds, "Wangji, when you asked me before, I couldn't reveal the truth to you." wei wuxian, realizing that he and lan wangji have had the same thoughts about the situation, goes, "哟，知己啊", which basically means "hey, we're 知己!" if i really wanted to capture the tone of this little interjection, i would say the mood is closest to something like: "yo, we totally vibe/we're on the same wavelength/you get me/samesies!" etc etc. this is about as casual as you can get--it's literally just 知己, prefaced by a particle that's roughly equivalent to "hey/yo/oh!" and followed by an auxiliary particle to express a mild sense of enthusiasm.

you can make an argument to use "soulmates" again in this situation. after all, it's not unusual to hyperbolize semi-ironically in english-- "yo, we're totally soulmates" or "hey, soulmate alert" etc. I don't think these specific (exaggerated) examples are appropriate for CQL for obvious reasons, but i think that, in a vacuum, subtitling this as, "hey, it's like we're soulmates" could work.

HOWEVER, as I said before, im now anti-soulmate and I Would Prefer Not To, so let's explore that.

as established, 知己 can naturally vary in gravity, while I personally don't feel that soulmate does. so in order to keep the "soulmate" translation, I think you have to create a reading of tone that's not exactly true to the character in the moment. if someone says, in a situation like this, "yo, it's like we're soulmates", it's understood that there's an irony to it. they're exaggerating for effect, etc. this isn't necessarily OOC for wei wuxian in general, but I don't think it's true to what's happening in this specific scene and more importantly, to the purpose of the 知己 motif throughout CQL. I believe that 知己 is being used earnestly, if lightly.

the 知己 motif is a CQL-only choice; it is not present in the mdzs novel. the use of 知己/知己-adjacent dialogue (i.e. dialogue concerning familiarity, recognition, understanding, insiders vs outsiders) over the course of the story is one of the ways that I think CQL was trying to illustrate a subtextual relationship that would be accepted by the censors. because it is a motif, I understand why we would want to translate the term with some degree of consistency in order to preserve its purpose.

i believe this hinges on the way that 知己 can naturally vary in tonal weight from very light to very heavy: it's anything from "hey! we vibe" to "you are the only one who truly understands me". to use "soulmate" as a blunt, one-to-one equivalence is a) bad because of my earlier points about how translation is never a one-to-one etc. and b) not to my taste specifically because "soulmate" lacks this natural fluidity, so even if you can make interesting artistic choices by varying the sincerity of how "soulmate" is used (as i showed a few paragraphs up), I think this has a subtle but profound effect on the way wangxian's relationship is presented.

CQL wangxian are quite different from mdzs wangxian in a number of ways, but what's relevant here is how their relationship has a much more fated/meant-to-be flavor to it in CQL rather than in mdzs. from the beginning, CQL emphasizes their special connection, even if neither of them has fully come to terms with those feelings. wangxian's first moonlit duel is way more of a big deal in CQL than in mdzs, for example. other examples include: their tagteam adventure in the cold springs with lan yi; their symbolic forehead ribbon marriage; the lantern scene; meeting songxiao and emphasizing their special connection; the emotional farewell in the rain; i could go on. this is a very different relationship to wangxian in the novel, in which wei wuxian is really so caught up in his own problems before his death that the bulk of wangxian's relationship is actually built up and reciprocated during the present-day arc instead. which i prefer!!!! but that's neither here nor there.

"but cyan!" i hear you saying, "surely that means that soulmate is a good translation? what is a soulmate if not a fated/meant-to-be person??" to which i say, HERE'S MY REBUTTAL: to use "soulmate" as a catch-all translation for 知己 changes the axis upon which the relationship moves. instead of gravity, it becomes sincerity. and this, I think, is not a good reflection of what 知己 (and related dialogue) is meant to convey throughout CQL.

one of the personality traits of wei wuxian that CQL doubles down on is how seriously he takes the important things, regardless of what kind of outer demeanor he presents. jiang yanli says to jiang cheng within the first few episodes that "you know that a'xian never fools around when it matters". that doesn't mean he doesn't have fun! he still buys the 天子笑 liquor when he goes to fetch the invitation from caiyi after all. he likes to mess around, he likes to play tricks and he is blessed with a light heart. but we see over and over again, even as a schoolboy, that he is sincere and heartfelt about important things. once again: see the lantern scene.

to me, I think this is enough reason to step back from trying to use the "soulmate" translation because it necessitates that kind of hyperbolic/ironic tone in english in that moment in episode 7, when I think it's actually narratively salient that wei wuxian is being earnest. this is especially important for one of the first uses of 知己 in the story. 知己 grows heavier with each subsequent use as CQL progresses: it goes from something casual to something much more significant, but I don't believe it's ever used ironically--as i said, i believe the thematic axis is gravity. if we confine ourselves to using "soulmate" as a one-to-one translation for 知己, we inevitably hit snags because the terms just do not function the same way.

"well, ok cyan, then what the hell are you proposing we do instead" you all fucking ask me because heaven forbid i complain about anything without providing an itemized list of proposed solutions

after thinking about it for a really long time, i think my preferred solution is actually fairly simple--instead of trying to translate 知己 as a rigid, one-word noun, just... translate what it means.

if you don't already know, the two characters that make up 知己 are 知 "to know" and 己 "self". so someone who is 知己 can literally be described as "one who knows me". i think that to know and to understand are both english verbs that have the same natural weight variance as 知己. you can, completely sincerely, say both "oh yeah, I know her," and "but i know her" for very different effect. i think that with some work and thought, you could come up with subtitles that not only circumvent the problem of reinforcing one-to-one translation tendencies and the misconceptions that those tend to breed, but also preserve the intended thematic throughline and are an acceptable length for actual subtitle timing and encoding.

this post is already way too fucking long, but in for a penny in for my entire life savings i guess: one of the considerations of subtitles that tends to get ignored or forgotten, especially in fansub territory, is timing and relative length. good subtitles must both convey meaning well and convey it in a length that an average viewer can absorb and understand in the time that it is onscreen. fansubs play fast and loose with this because there's no concern over the idea of capturing and/or maintaining an audience. for the most part, fansubs are for people who are already fans. plus, there's (theoretically) no money/profit involved. for media corporations, this is going to be a much bigger concern--capturing and maintaining an audience is critical to profit. and we all know how much people hate subtitles generally anyways (especially in anglophone countries :)), so they had better be a) clear and b) easy to access if you want to keep your viewers.

this is a significant challenge for chinese -> english subtitles because of the way the languages work. i talk about this at length in my post on lan wangji's speech patterns and the difficulties associated with rendering them into english. if you'd like to see an example in action, here's a screenshot of my aegisub workspace for the SHL special ending easter egg subtitles:

[ID: screenshot of the subtitling program aegisub, displaying a segment of an episode. in the CPS column, a few lines are pale to medium red. the line displayed is "Will Senior please offer critique!" for 请前辈指点 /end ID]

honestly, not too bad! my worst character per second (CPS) ratio is 23CPS, which is the first line.

but look at this screenshot from my aegisub workspace for HIStory3: Trap, episode 1:

[ID: screenshot of the subtitling program aegisub, displaying a segment of an episode. in the CPS column, several lines are medium to bright red. the line on display is "Another division says they can snatch him away, so they just snatch him," for 别的单位说抢就抢 /end ID]

god the hilarity of seeing HOW LONG the english is compared to the mandarin. if you look at the numbers, you may notice that i have a 49CPS and also a 39CPS line right next to each other. that is Bad! this was a personal project, so I was unconcerned. however, this would be unacceptable for official, mainstream release subtitles.

netflix's guidelines for english subtitles are publicly available online. if you scroll down to the sections on reading speed for english subtitles for foreign language source material (II.17), you will see that netflix's standard for adult programs is 20CPS. and i hope by now it's clear why that can be such a bitterly challenging metric to meet in a show like CQL.

this is not to defend the netflix subtitles. or the wetv ones. they're absolutely fucking abysmal, even by the standards laid out in the netflix style guide. I could pick through the document and point out every way in which I believe the CQL subtitles laughably fail to meet the standards (and the infuriating consequences thereof), but that's another post for sure. there is some leeway for "industry requirements" but I'm getting real tired of this excuse when it's clear that the real problem is a) the people in charge of the subtitles simply don't care enough/don't pay enough for good subtitles and b) subtitling/specialized translation isn't really considered a serious, difficult art that requires creative skill to be done well. it's truly fucking enraging.

what i'm trying to do by really driving down on all of these minute details is to hopefully (!!) prompt people into shifting their paradigms re: translation/subtitling and more fully understand how simple misconceptions driven by singular translation choices can ripple out into complex and unexpected forms, harmful or not. i am well aware that the amount of thought, time, energy etc. that I've put into this One Translation Choice is completely unfeasible as a mainstream standard. it's obviously ridiculous! but I think there is a middle ground somewhere that wouldn't have caused so much unintentional damage. "soulmates" is the tip of the goddamn iceberg. (every time i see a one-character name, i feel another piece of my soul crumble away)

for CQL specifically, I've gone back and forth between whether I would prefer using "to know" or "to understand" as the fulcrum of the 知己 translation, and I... think..... I would go with "to know". at least right now. there are a few reasons for that tentative choice, one of which is simply that "know" is only four characters while "understand" is ten. the other is that, after messing around with both in each scenario, I think "know" ultimately flows better sonically.

i'm only going to break down the exchange in episode 25 because i'm exhausted, but here:

ep 25:

LWJ: 你把我当成什么人？ WWX: 我曾经把你当作 [new line] 我毕生知己 LWJ: 現在仍是

there are actually a couple things with this exchange I want to talk about in addition to 知己. first: the way that lan wangji's first line is subtitled: "who do you take me for?"

this is a poor translation because it has absolutely the wrong tone in english. "who/what do you take me for?" is an idiomatic, rhetorical question, that's usually followed by something derogatory. one of the more common forms you'll see is "what do you take me for, an idiot?" it's not appropriate for this serious, vulnerable question that lan wangji is posing.

a much better translation, in my opinion, would be "who am I to you?" which also has some pretty specific connotations in english. it doesn't have to be romantic, but it does often appear in romantic scenarios where someone wants to know where they stand in relation to another. this, i think, gets you the hint of romantic intention that feels appropriate in this scene without the heavy-handedness of "soulmates", and also just. more accurately reflects lan wangji's intentions.

(an aside: i speculate that the reason we got "who do you take me for" is because the chinese sentence structure more or less literally translates to something like "you have taken me for/regarded me as/made me into what kind of person?". depending on tone, you can use it in the same way as "who do you take me for" in english, but unfortunately, that's not what's happening here. it seems like a very unsurprising mistake for a machine translation.)

so the 知己 line. this one is HARD because it's long! and the subtitles split right before 毕生知己 because wei wuxian pauses. I think the power of the line rests in keeping the answer wholly after the pause. the original was, I think, "I once saw you as [pause, new subtitle line] my soulmate of this lifetime."

ugh!! it's so awkward and weird, ESPECIALLY following a "who do you take me for" GOD. here's my proposal:

I once thought you were someone [pause] who would know me for a lifetime.

it's long!! yes it's long, but we have a little wiggle room because there's a lot of heavy silences during this exchange, so we might actually be able to make the CPS limit. or almost. what the fuck ever. I could shorten it further by just saying "I once thought you [pause] would know me for a lifetime" but this is the wrong form of answer for the question "who am I to you?" so I think it's worthwhile to keep "were someone" despite how many characters it adds.

and lan wangji's final response (yes, I have thoughts on this too): we have both "I still am" and "Still, I am". I feel strongly that "Still, I am" is better than "I still am" because lan wangji being lan wangji is using a more formal construction. the 仍 character he's using for "still" is usually literary. putting "still" at the front of the sentence creates a more elevated tone in english, and emphasizes it, which more closely reflects lan wangji's intention.

NOW HOWEVER, if we are going with my dialogue proposals, I would say that we should change this to "Still, I do" because the relevant part of "someone who would know me for a lifetime" is the knowing and the implication in that is "i don't know if you know me right now" or "i don't know if you will actually know me forever" or "you knew me once, and i thought it would be forever, but now I'm not so sure". so i feel that lan wangji's response should be to that implied uncertainty, even if it shifts the grammar a little. I do still know you. I know you right now.

putting it all together, my proposed dialogue would look like this:

LWJ: Who am I to you? WWX: I once thought you were someone [new line] who would know me for a lifetime. LWJ: Still, I do.

DO YOU SEE WHY I THINK THIS IS BETTER THAN SOULMATES. what's powerful about this scene is what isn't being said! it's the tone! it's the fucking reaching out and trying to cling to someone you're afraid you're in the process of losing. fucks sake. what is more intimate than really knowing a person? i hate everything. soulmates my ASS.

all right, let's pivot to SHL, which presents a different set of challenges with its use of 知己. there are two exchanges involving 知己 that I think are particularly noteworthy: once in ep8, the moment we all remember when wen kexing says it, and once in ep30, when jin-wang says he had always thought zhou zishu was his 知己.

in these two lines in SHL, there is an emphasis on 知己's function as a title/role, whereas in CQL I think there's more room to bend the structure of the dialogue around 知己 without losing sight of its original purpose. both of the lines in SHL use 知己 in direct contrast to another, lesser term: in wen kexing's case, he's saying, "you only think of me as a friend? after all this? but I think of you as 知己". jin-wang, on the other hand, is saying, "I always thought you were my 知己, but it seems you're nothing more than an ordinary person". it's much harder here to try and retain the punch of the parallel structure of these moments without the use of a shorter, one-to-one translation: "friend" vs "someone who understands me", and "someone who understands me" vs "ordinary person"--they're such unequal length that I think the overall structure starts to get clunky, especially in episode 30 when it's all said at once. the mandarin has an elegance because each term is two characters: 朋友 (friend)，庸人 (mediocre/ordinary person)，知己

since i never met a translation challenge i didn't charge at headfirst screaming, let's give this a shot. why the hell not.

here's my problem with using "soulmates"--even though I think it does work in episode 8, it really doesn't in episode 30. i think the reason the moment in episode 30 produces such a visceral recoil is because it's using a term that's perfectly appropriate in the social context, but still feels like a desecration because of how that term has been given a different meaning through the rest of the show. as it is right now, the translation "soulmates" feels like a distraction from the intensity of the moment because it doesn't really fit--again, it's the romantic connotations of soulmate that are making things difficult. jin-wang very obviously does NOT mean 知己 in a romantic context (though that can be a valid and fun dynamic to play with in fic etc.) this is a much closer to a patron-minister manifestation of the 知己 relationship, and it centers around ideals, politics, shared vision etc. (for background on this aspect of 知己, please avail yourself of one of hunxi's posts if you're unfamiliar with it idk look, hunxi just has a lot of backlog i can conveniently cite ok)

when I read "soulmate" on the screen it took me right out of the moment--it's such an out-of-place term for the situation! i think it diminishes jin-wang's charisma a lot because it sounds so... laughable?? idk. in any case, jin-wang is beiyuan's ex and I Would Llike To See It

so what i'm looking for is a one-to-one translation that can work in both scenarios, and after a lot of thought on this front, the best I've been able to come up with in english is "kindred spirit". if I were forced to give a general one-to-one translation of 知己 for all-purpose use, this is what I would choose as well. but again, it's far from perfect. I would just prefer it over "soulmates" or "bosom friend" or what the fuck ever as a catch-all.

anyways, episode 8:

WKX: 你怎么不问我当你是什么？ ZZS: 管你当我是什么 ... WKX: 是知己

YT subs:

WKX: Why don't you ask me what I think of you? ZZS: I don't care. ... WKX: You're my soulmate.

my proposed alteration:

WKX: Why aren't you asking how I think of you? ZZS: Who cares how you think of me. ... WKX: I think of you as [new line] my kindred spirit.

episode 30:

JW: 孤王还一直以为 [new line] 你是我的知己 [new line] 原来 [new line] 你也只是个庸人而已

YT subs:

JW: I always think [new line] you are my soul mate. [new line] But it turns out [new line] that you're no more than an ordinary person.

my proposed alteration:

JW: This lonely prince had always thought [new line] that you were my kindred spirit [new line] But it seems [new line] you were nothing more than another ordinary person.

i... want to do explanations of my choices, but I really am running on nothing but fumes at this point. the only thing I want to mention, I think, is the prince's use of 孤王 as a pronoun. most of the time, when speaking with zhou zishu, he refers to himself as either 本王 or simply, 我. i did a quick check, and i'm fairly confident that 孤王 carries the connotation of solitude/loneliness. it's not an uncommon pronoun (for royalty), but I think it's important that he switches to this one in this moment when he laments that he and zhou zishu aren't what he had once hoped they could be.

if I were translating only for myself, I would probably still try to somehow work with "someone who understands me" because I think that just hits harder than "kindred spirit". so like, "I think of you as someone who understands me" and "This lonely prince had always thought that you were someone who understood me", that kind of thing. i think it gets more precisely at the core of what makes 知己 such an important concept in SHL. but i did think it was worthwhile to show how one might translate 知己 in a different context while restricted to a one-to-one term, just as proof of concept. we can have better subtitles that still meet style guidelines. yes, this is fueled by my own bitterness and spite. im fucking tired of the excuses for piss-poor subtitles when the problem clearly is one of value, not possibility.

so where does this leave us, at the end of approximately 7k (yikes)? i... talked about a lot of things, so if you made it all the way to the end, congrats and thanks for sticking with it. i've been trying to figure out how to end this post since i started it, and I haven't found a good answer, but I'll try.

in early 2013, I met a lesbian activist from china at a conference. she was there with a small delegation, maybe about five young queer people, who worked in beijing, or maybe shanghai--it's been a long time, and I don't remember most of the details. what I do remember was that I was anxious, that I still didn't feel comfortable with a label, and that I was at least half-convinced I was faking whatever queer mishmash of feelings I had going on. and I remember that these were the first queer people from china i had ever knowingly met. they talked about the work they were doing, their own coming out experiences, the antagonism and support they'd received--the woman I spoke to mentioned that they had a lesbian print magazine publication, and I naively asked after the presentation if there was any way they could mail it to someone overseas (me) who was interested in reading it. she hesitated somewhat apologetically and said, "well, no, not really. it's still an illegal publication, you see. we can't distribute like that." this was nearly six years before the webnovelist tianyi was sentenced to a decade in prison for printing and distributing her BL work.

in august 2020, about a year after CQL aired, the organizers of shanghai pride announced that they were halting all activities indefinitely after 11 years. new laws instated early this year on self-publishing are increasing restrictions on free speech.

something a little closer to home: you remember 227 right? do you remember some of the cold, callous reactions to the news? like this one? what about the incessant trickle of hot twitter takes that all seem to start with "I know censorship is bad, but"?

at the end of the day, perhaps this is just my sad, tired entreaty once again to think more about how you interact with stories in translation, how complex the act of translation can be. before you blithely make jokes about chinese media censorship and how shows "get around it" based solely on your view through the small and cloudy window of low-quality subtitles, i ask you again to take a moment to reflect. before you tweet a thread about how even though censorship is bad, it forces creativity and produces interesting art, all while holding up misinterpretations of those subtitles as evidence--look, i don't give a fuck. the hays code produced interesting cinema too. many terrible things produce interesting art.

on a more personal note: before you start a fucking dissection of a language you don't understand on my personal vent post, before you barge into someone's askbox with this entitled attitude about language, before you ask any of us to act as your personal tour guide without doing us the basic courtesy of a five second google search, before you try to impose culturally ignorant moral judgments on the text, just. take a minute.

this post is as much a summary of my feelings on 知己 and translation as it is a messy, bitter reaction to the straws that are this close to breaking the camel's back. how many times must i reiterate that translation is not and never will be uncomplicated and bloodless before you all stop demanding easy, simple answers? stop asking me to exploit a culture I barely feel belongs to me for your fanfiction. stop asking me to gut myself to make your media more palatable.

i don't have a coherent thesis for this post. i don't want to have a debate. make your own post if you want to have a discussion because I really don't.

as i sit here staring at all the places where I revised my words to be softer, where i put a disclaimer asking for forgiveness, i debate undoing it all and speaking as harshly as i feel. why should i have to disclaim my emotions every time I have them? why should I have to make everyone comfortable when I have been trying with every fucking fiber of my goodwill to be gentle this whole time, only to be backstabbed, insulted, used, talked over, dismissed? must even my anger be eloquent to be valued? what do i need to be forgiven for?

i miss finding joy here.

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