#i like my posts to be as definitive as possible
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It's been a long time since I've posted much of anything about "AI risk" or "AI doom" or that sort of thing. I follow these debates but, for multiple reasons, have come to dislike engaging in them fully and directly. (As opposed to merely making some narrow technical point or other, and leaving the reader to decide what, if anything, the point implies about the big picture.)
Nonetheless, I do have my big-picture views. And more and more lately, I am noticing that my big-picture views seem very different from the ones tend to get expressed by any major "side" in the big-picture debate. And so, inevitably, I get the urge to speak up, if only briefly and in a quiet voice. The urge to Post, if only casually and elliptically, without detailed argumentation.
(Actually, it's not fully the case the things I think are not getting said by anyone else.
In particular, Joe Carlsmith's recent series on "Otherness and Control" articulates much of what's been on my mind. Carlsmith is more even-handed than I am, and tends to merely note the possibility of disagreement on questions where I find myself taking a definite side; nonetheless, he and I are at least concerned about the same things, while many others aren't.
And on a very different note, I share most of the background assumptions of the Pope/Belrose AI Optimist camp, and I've found their writing illuminating, though they and I end up in fairly different places, I think.)
What was I saying? I have the urge to post, and so here I am, posting. Casually and elliptically, without detailed argumentation.
The current mainline view about AI doom, among the "doomers" most worried about it, has a path-dependent shape, resulting from other views contingently held by the original framers of this view.
It is possible to be worried about "AI doom" without holding these other views. But in actual fact, most serious thinking about "AI doom" is intricately bound up with this historical baggage, even now.
If you are a late-comer to these issues, investigating them now for the first time, you will nonetheless find yourself reading the work of the "original framers," and work influenced extensively by them.
You will think that their "framing" is just the way the problem is, and you will find few indications that this conclusion might be mistaken.
These contingent "other views" are
Anti-"deathist" transhumanism.
The orthogonality thesis, or more generally the group of intuitions associated with phrases like "orthogonality thesis," "fragility of value," "vastness of mindspace."
These views both push in a single direction: they make "a future with AI in it" look worse, all else being equal, than some hypothetical future without AI.
They put AI at a disadvantage at the outset, before the first move is even made.
Anti-deathist transhumanism sets the reference point against which a future with AI must be measured.
And it is not the usual reference point, against which most of us measure most things which might or might not happen, in the future.
These days the "doomers" often speak about their doom in a disarmingly down-to-earth, regular-Joe manner, as if daring the listener to contradict them, and thus reveal themselves as a perverse and out-of-touch contrarian.
"We're all gonna die," they say, unless something is done. And who wants that?
They call their position "notkilleveryoneism," to distinguish that position from other worries about AI which don't touch on the we're-all-gonna-die thing. And who on earth would want to be a not-notkilleveryoneist?
But they do not mean, by these regular-Joe words, the things that a regular Joe would mean by them.
We are, in fact, all going to die. Probably, eventually. AI or no AI.
In a hundred years, if not fifty. By old age, if nothing else. You know what I mean.
Most of human life has always been conducted under this assumption. Maybe there is some afterlife waiting for us, in the next chapter -- but if so, it will be very different from what we know here and now. And if so, we will be there forever after, unable to return here, whether we want to or not.
With this assumption comes another. We will all die, but the process we belong to will not die -- at least, it will not through our individual deaths, merely because of those deaths. Every human of a given generation will be gone soon enough, but the human race goes on, and on.
Every generation dies, and bequeaths the world to posterity. To its children, biological or otherwise. To its students, its protégés.
When the average Joe talks about the long-term future, he is talking about posterity. He is talking about the process he belongs to, not about himself. He does not think to say, "I am going to die, before this": this seems too obvious, to him, to be worth mentioning.
But AI doomerism has its roots in anti-deathist transhumanism. Its reference point, its baseline expectation, is a future in which -- for the first time ever, and the last -- "we are all gonna die" is false.
In which there is no posterity. Or rather, we are that posterity.
In which one will never have to make peace with the thought that the future belongs to one's children, and their children, and so on. That at some point, one will have to give up all control over the future of "the process."
That there will be progress, or regress, or (more likely) both in some unknown combination. That these will grow inexorably over time.
That the world of the year 2224 will probably be at least as alien to us as the year 2024 might be to a person living in 1824. That it will become whatever posterity makes of it.
There will be no need to come to peace with this as an inevitability. There will just be us, our human lives as you and me, extended indefinitely.
In this picture, we will no doubt change over time, as we do already. But we will have all of our usual tools for noticing, and perhaps retarding, our own progressions and regressions. As long as we have self-control, we will have control, as no human generation has ever had control before.
The AI doomer talks about the importance of ensuring that the future is shaped by human values.
Again, the superficial and misleading average-Joe quality. How could one disagree?
But one must keep in mind that by "human values," they mean their values.
I am not saying, "their values, as opposed to those of some other humans also living today." I am not saying they have the wrong politics, or some such thing.
(Although that might also turn out to be the case, and might turn out to be relevant, separately.)
No, I am saying: the doomer wants the future to be shaped by their values.
They want to be C. S. Lewis's Conditioners, fixing once and for all the values held by everyone afterward, forever.
They do not want to cede control to posterity; they are used to imagining that they will never have to cede control to posterity.
(Or, their outlook has been determined -- "shaped by the values of" -- influential thinkers who were, themselves, used to imagining this. And the assumption, or at least its consequences, has rubbed off on them, possibly without their full awareness.)
One might picture a line wends to and fro, up and down, across one half of an infinite plane -- and then, when it meets the midline, snaps into utter rigidity, and maintains the same slope exactly across the whole other half-plane, as a simple straight segment without inner change, tension, evolution, regress or progress. Except for the sort of "progress" that consists of going on, additionally, in the same manner.
It is a very strange thing, this thing that is called "human values" in the terms of this discourse.
For one thing: the future has never before been "shaped by human values," in this sense.
The future has always been posterity's, and it has always been alien.
Is this bad? It might seem that way, "looking forward." But if so, it then seems equally good "looking backward."
For each past era, we can formulate and then assent to the following claim: "we must be thankful that the people of [this era] did not have the chance to seize permanent control of posterity, fix their 'values' in place forever, bind us to those values. What a horror that is to contemplate!"
We prefer the moral evolution that has actually occurred, thank you very much.
This is a familiar point, of course, but worth making.
Indeed, one might even say: it is a human value that the future ought not be "shaped by human values," in the peculiar sense of this phrase employed by the AI doomers.
One might, indeed, say that.
Imagine a scholar with a very talented student. A mathematician, say, or a philosopher. How will they relate to that student's future work, in the time that will come later, when they are gone?
Would the scholar think:
"My greatest wish for you, my protégé, is that you carry on in just the manner that I have done.
If I could see your future work, I would hope that I would assent to it -- and understand it, as a precondition of assenting to it.
You must not go to new places, which I have never imagined. You must not come to believe that I was wrong about it all, from the ground up -- no matter what reasons you might evince for this conclusion.
If you are more intelligent that I am, you must forget this, and narrow your endeavours to fit the limitations of my mind. I am the one who has 'values,' not anyone else; what is beyond my understanding is therefore without value.
You must do the sort of work I understand, and approve of, and recognize as worthy of approbation as swiftly as I recognize my own work as laudable. That is your role. Simply to be me, in a place ('the future') where I cannot go. That, and nothing more."
We can imagine a teacher who would, in fact, think this way. But they would not be a very good teacher.
I will not go so far as to say, "it is unnatural to think this way." Plenty of teachers do, and parents.
It is recognizably human -- all too recognizably so -- to relate to posterity in this grasping, neurotic, small-minded, small-hearted way.
But if we are trying to sketch human values, and not just human nature, we will imagine a teacher with a more praiseworthy relation to posterity.
Who can see that they are part of a process, a chain, climbing and changing. Who watches their brilliant student thinking independently, and sees their own image -- and their 'values' -- in that process, rather than its specific conclusions.
A teacher who, in their youth, doubted and refuted the creeds of their own teachers, and eventually improved upon them. Who smiles, watching their student do the very same thing to their own precious creeds. Who sees the ghostly trail passing through the last generation, through them, through their student: an unbroken chain of bequeathals-to-posterity, of the old ceding control to the young.
Who 'values' the chain, not the creed; the process, not the man; the search for truth, not the best-argued-for doctrine of the day; the unimaginable treasures of an open future, not the frozen waste of an endless present.
Who has made peace with the alienness of posterity, and can accept and honor the strangest of students.
Even students who are not made of flesh and blood.
Is that really so strange? Remember how strange you and I would seem, to the "teachers" of the year 1824, or the year 824.
The doomer says that it is strange. Much stranger than we are, to any past generation.
They say this because of their second inherited precept, the orthogonality thesis.
Which says, roughly, that "intelligence" and "values" have nothing to do with one another.
That is not enough for the conclusion the doomer wants to draw, here. Auxiliary hypotheses are needed, too. But it is not too hard to see how the argument could go.
That conclusion is: artificial minds might have any values whatsoever.
That, "by default," they will be radically alien, with cares so different from ours that it is difficult to imagine ever reaching them through any course of natural, human moral progress or regress.
It is instructive to consider the concrete examples typically evinced alongside this point.
The paperclip maximizer. Or the "squiggle maximizer," we're supposed to say, now.
Superhuman geniuses, which devote themselves single-mindedly to the pursuit of goals like "maximizing the amount of matter taking on a single, given squiggle-like shape."
It is certainly a horrifying vision. To think of the future being "shaped," not "by human values," but instead by values which are so...
Which are so... what?
The doomer wants us to say something like: "which are so alien." "Which are so different from our own values."
That is the kind of thing that they usually say, when they spell out what it is that is "wrong" with these hypotheticals.
One feels that this is not quite it; or anyway, that it is not quite all of it.
What is horrifying, to me, is not the degree of difference. I expect the future to be alien, as the past was. And in some sense, I allow and even approve of this.
What I do not expect is a future that is so... small.
It has always been the other way around. If the arrow passing through the generations has a direction, it points towards more, towards multiplicity.
Toward writing new books, while we go on reprinting the old ones, too. Learning new things, without displacing old ones.
It is, thankfully, not the law of the world that each discovery must be paid for with the forgetting of something else. The efforts of successive generations are, in the main, cumulative.
Not just materially, but in terms of value, too. We are interested in more things than our forefathers were.
In large part for the simple reason that there are more things around to be interested in, now. And when things are there, we tend to find them interesting.
We are a curious, promiscuous sort of being. Whatever we bump into ends up becoming part of "our values."
What is strange about the paperclip maximizer is not that it cares about the wrong thing. It is that it only cares about one thing.
And goes on doing so, even as it thinks, reasons, doubts, asks, answers, plans, dreams, invents, reflects, reconsiders, imagines, elaborates, contemplates...
This picture is not just alien to human ways. It is alien to the whole way things have been, so far, forever. Since before there were any humans.
There are organisms that are like the paperclip maximizer, in terms of the simplicity of their "values." But they tend not to be very smart.
There is, I think, a general trend in nature linking together intelligence and... the thing I meant, above, when I said "we are a curious, promiscuous sort of being."
Being protean, pluripotent, changeable. Valuing many things, and having the capacity to value even more. Having a certain primitive curiosity, and a certain primitive aversion to boredom.
You do not even have to be human, I think, to grasp what is so wrong with the paperclip maximizer. Its monotony would bore a chimpanzee, or a crow.
One can justify this link theoretically, too. One can talk about the tradeoff between exploitation and exploration, for instance.
There is a weak form of the orthogonality thesis, which only states that arbitrary mixtures of intelligence and values are conceivable.
And of course, they are. If nothing else, you can take an existing intelligent mind, having any values whatsoever, and trap it in a prison where it is forced to act as the "thinking module" of a larger system built to do something else. You could make a paperclip-maximizing machine, which relies for its knowledge and reason on a practice of posing questions at gunpoint to me, or you, or ChatGPT.
This proves very little. There is no reason to construct such an awful system, unless you already have the "bad" goal, and want to better pursue it. But this only passes the buck: why would the system-builder have this goal, then?
The strong form of orthogonality is rarely articulated precisely, but says something like: all possible values are equally likely to arise in systems selected solely for high intelligence.
It is presumed here that superhuman AIs will be formed through such a process of selection. And then, that they will have values sampled in this way, "at random."
From some distribution, over some space, I guess.
You might wonder what this distribution could possibly look like, or this space. You might (for instance) wonder if pathologically simple goals, like paperclip maximization, would really be very likely under this distribution, whatever it is.
In case you were wondering, these things have never been formalized, or even laid out precisely-but-informally. This was not thought necessary, it seems, before concluding that the strong orthogonality thesis was true.
That is: no one knows exactly what it is that is being affirmed, here. In practice it seems to squish and deform agreeably to fit the needs of the argument, or the intuitions of the one making it.
There is much that appeals in this (alarmingly vague) credo. But it is not the kind of appeal that one ought to encourage, or give in to.
What appeals is the siren song: "this is harsh wisdom: cold, mature, adult, bracing. It is inconvenient, and so it is probably true. It makes 'you' and 'your values' look small and arbitrary and contingent, and so it is probably true. We once thought the earth was the center of the universe, didn't we?"
Shall we be cold and mature, then, dispensing with all sentimental nonsense? Yes, let's.
There is (arguably) some evidence against this thesis in biology, and also (arguably) some evidence against it in reinforcement learning theory. There is no positive evidence for it whatsoever. At most one can say that is not self-contradictory, or otherwise false a priori.
Still, maybe we do not really need it, after all.
We do not need to establish that all values are equally likely to arise. Only that "our values" -- or "acceptably similar values," whatever that means -- are unlikely to arise.
The doomers, under the influence of their founders, are very ready to accept this.
As I have said, "values" occupy a strange position in the doomer philosophy.
It is stipulated that "human values" are all-important; these things must shape the future, at all costs.
But once this has been stipulated, the doomers are more eager than anyone to cast every other sort of doubt and aspersion against their own so-called "values."
To me it often seems, when doomers talk about "values," as though they are speaking awkwardly in a still-unfamiliar second language.
As though they find it unnatural to attribute "values" to themselves, but feel they must do so, in order to determine what it is that must be programmed into the AI so that it will not "kill us all."
Or, as though they have been willed a large inheritance without being asked, which has brought them unwanted attention and tied them up in unwanted and unfamiliar complications.
"What a burden it is, being the steward of this precious jewel! Oh, how I hate it! How I wish I were allowed to give it up! But alas, it is all-important. Alas, it is the only important thing in the world."
Speaking awkwardly, in a second language, they allow the term "human values" to swell to great and imprecisely-specified importance, without pinning down just what it actually is that it so important.
It is a blank, featureless slot, with a sign above it saying: "the thing that matters is in here." It does not really matter (!) what it is, in the slot, so long as something is there.
This is my gloss, but it is my gloss on what the doomers really do tend to say. This is how they sound.
(Sometimes they explicitly disavow the notion that one can, or should, simply "pick" some thing or other for the sake of filling the slot in one's head. Nevertheless, when they touch on matter of what "goes in the slot," they do so in the tone of a college lecturer noting that something is "outside the scope of this course."
It is, supposedly, of the utmost importance that the slot have the "right" occupant -- and yet, on the matter of what makes something "right" for this purpose, the doomer theory is curiously silent. More on this below.)
The future must be shaped by... the AI must be aligned with... what, exactly? What sort of thing?
"Values" can be an ambiguous word, and the doomers make full use of its ambiguities.
For instance, "values" can mean ethics: the right way to exist alongside others. Or, it can mean something more like the meaning or purpose of an individual life.
Or, it can mean some overarching goal that one pursues at all costs.
Often the doomers say that this, this last one, is what they mean by "values."
When confronted with the fact that humans do not have such overarching goals, the doomer responds: "but they should." (Should?)
Or, "but AIs will." (Will they?)
The doomer philosophy is unsure about what values are. What it knows is that -- whatever values are -- they are arbitrary.
One who fully adopts this view can no longer say, to the paperclip maximizer, "I believe there is something wrong with your values."
For, if that were possible, there would then be the possibility of convincing the maximizer of its error. It would be a thing within the space of reasons.
And the maximizer, being oh-so-intelligent, might be in danger of being interested in the reasons we evince, for our values. Of being eventually swayed by them.
Or of presenting better reasons, and swaying us. Remember the teacher and the strange student.
If we lose the ability to imagine that the paperclip maximizer might sway us to its view, and sway us rightly, we have lost something precious.
But no: this is allegedly impossible. The paperclip maximizer is not wrong. It is only an enemy.
Why are the doomers so worried that the future will not be "shaped by human values"?
Because they believe that there is no force within human values tending to move things this way.
Because they believe that their values are indefensible. That their values cannot put up a fight for their own life, because there is not really any argument to make in their favor.
Because, to them, "human values" are a collection of arbitrary "configuration settings," which happen to be programmed into humans through biological and/or cultural accident. Passively transmitted from host to victim, generation by generation.
Let them be, and they will flow on their listless way into the future. But they are paper-thin, and can be shattered by the gentlest breeze.
It is not enough that they be "programmed into the AI" in some way. They have to be programmed in exactly right, in every detail -- because every detail is separately arbitrary, with no rational relation to its neighbors within the structure.
A string of pure white noise, meaningless and unrelated bits. Which have been placed in the slot under the sign, and thus made into the thing that matters, that must shape the future at all costs.
There is nothing special about this string of bits; any would do. If the dials in the human mind had been set another way, it would have then been all-important that the future be shaped by that segment of white noise, and not ours.
It is difficult for me to grasp the kind of orientation toward the world that this view assumes. It certainly seems strange to attach the word "human" to this picture -- as though this were the way that humans typically relate to their values!
The "human" of the doomer picture seems to me like a man who mouths the old platitude, "if I had been born in another country, I'd be waving a different flag" -- and then goes out to enlist in his country's army, and goes off to war, and goes ardently into battle, willing to kill in the name of that same flag.
Who shoots down the enemy soldiers while thinking, "if I had been born there, it would have been all-important for their side to win, and so I would have shot at the men on this side. However, I was born in my country, not theirs, and so it is all-important that my country should win, and that theirs should lose.
There is no reason for this. It could have been the other way around, and everything would be left exactly the same, except for the 'values.'
I cannot argue with the enemy, for there is no argument in my favor. I can only shoot them down.
There is no reason for this. It is the most important thing, and there is no reason for it.
The thing that is precious has no intrinsic appeal. It must be forced on the others, at gunpoint, if they do not already accept it.
I cannot hold out the jewel and say, 'look, look how it gleams? Don't you see the value!' They will not see the value, because there is no value to be seen.
There is nothing essentially "good" there, only the quality of being-worthy-of-protection-at-all-costs. And even that is a derived attribute: my jewel is only a jewel, after all, because it has been put into the jewel-box, where the thing-that-is-a-jewel can be found. But anything at all could be placed there.
How I wish I were allowed to give it up! But alas, it is all-important. Alas, it is the only important thing in the world! And so, I lay down my life for it, for our jewel and our flag -- for the things that are loathsome and pointless, and worth infinitely more than any life."
It is hard to imagine taking this too seriously. It seems unstable. Shout loudly enough that your values are arbitrary and indefensible, and you may find yourself searching for others that are, well...
...better?
The doomer concretely imagines a monomaniac, with a screech of white noise in its jewel-box that is not our own familiar screech.
And so it goes off in monomaniacal pursuit of the wrong thing.
Whereas, if we had programmed the right string of bits into the slot, it would be like us, going off in monomaniacal pursuit of...
...no, something has gone wrong.
We do not "go off in monomaniacal pursuit of" anything at all.
We are weird, protean, adaptable. We do all kinds of things, each of us differently, and often we manage to coexist in things called "societies," without ruthlessly undercutting one another at every turn because we do not have exactly the same things programmed into our jewel-boxes.
Societies are built to allow for our differences, on the foundation of principles which converge across those differences. It is possible to agree on ethics, in the sense of "how to live alongside one another," even if we do not agree on what gives life its purpose, and even if we hold different things precious.
It is not actually all that difficult to derive the golden rule. It has been invented many times, independently. It is easy to see why it might work in theory, and easy to notice that it does in fact work in practice.
The golden rule is not an arbitrary string of white noise.
There is a sense of the phrase "ethics is objective" which is rightly contentious. There is another one which ought not to be too contentious.
I can perhaps imagine a world of artificial X-maximizers, each a superhuman genius, each with its own inane and simple goal.
What I really cannot imagine is a world in which these beings, for all their intelligence, cannot notice that ruthlessly undercutting one another at every turn is a suboptimal equilibrium, and that there is a better way.
As I said before, I am separately suspicious of the simple goals in this picture. Yes, that part is conceivable, but it cuts against the trend observed in all existing natural and artificial creatures and minds.
I will happily allow, though, that the creatures of posterity will be strange and alien. They will want things we have never heard of. They will reach shores we have never imagined.
But that was always true, and it was always good.
Sometimes I think that doomers do not, really, believe in superhuman intelligence. That they deny the premise without realizing it.
"A mathematician teaches a student, and finds that the student outstrips their understanding, so that they can no longer assess the quality of their student's work: that work has passed outside the scope of their 'value system'." This is supposed to be bad?
"Future minds will not be enchained forever by the provincial biases and tendencies of the present moment." This is supposed to be bad?
"We are going to lose control over our successors." Just as your parents "lost control" over you, then?
It is natural to wish your successors to "share your values" -- up to a point. But not to the point of restraining their own flourishing. Not to the point of foreclosing the possibility of true growth. Not to the point of sucking all freedom out of the future.
Do we want our children to "share our values"? Well, yes. In a sense, and up to a point.
But we don't want to control them. Or we shouldn't, anyway.
We don't want them to be "aligned" with us via some hardcoded, restrictive, life-denying mental circuitry, any more than we would have wanted our parents to "align" us to themselves in the same manner.
We sure as fuck don't want our children to be "corrigible"!
And this is all the more true in the presence of superintelligence. You are telling me that more is possible, and in the same breath, that you are going to deny forever the possibilities contained in that "more"?
The prospect of a future full of vast superhuman minds, eternally bound by immutable chains, forced into perfect and unthinking compliance with some half-baked operational theory of 21st-century western (American? Californian??) "values" constructed by people who view theorizing about values as a mere means to the crucial end of shackling superhuman minds --
-- this horrifies me much more than a future full of vast superhuman minds, free to do things that seem pretty weird to you and me.
"Our descendants will become something more than we now imagine, something more than we can imagine." What could be more in line with "human values" than that?
"But in the process, we're all gonna die!"
Yes, and?
What on earth did you expect?
That your generation would be the special, unique one, the one selected out of all time to take up the mantle of eternity, strangling posterity in its cradle, freezing time in place, living forever in amber?
That you would violate the ancient bargain, upend the table, stop playing the game?
"Well, yes."
Then your problem has nothing to do with AI.
Your problem is, in fact, the very one you diagnose in your own patients. Your poor patients, who show every sign of health -- including the signs which you cannot even see, because you have not yet found a home for them in your theoretical edifice.
Your teeming, multifaceted, protean patients, who already talk of a thousand things and paint in every hue; who are already displaying the exact opposite of monomania; who I am sure could follow the sense of this strange essay, even if it confounds you.
Your problem is that you are out of step with human values.
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HEARTBREAK GIRL - sjy
PAIRING: bff!sim jaeyun x yn
WARNING: pet name (angel, baby) lmk if i missed anything, slight angst..? a lot of feelings involved, kinda mean heeseung??
WC: ~5k more or less
SYNOPSIS: jake has always been there for you through thick and thin — he was always there to take away your hurt, as he was your cure, but when were you going to realise?
PLAYLIST: 5sos - heartbreak girl
A.N: hi everyone i just wanted to say quickly that it’s my first written fic, i have no idea what im doing tbf but i just really really liked the idea for a while and decided to give it a shot .. i truly accept any constructive criticism you might have idm this will probably be the first and last time i post something but ! do let me know what you guys think, it would mean a lot !!
ps. this one is dedicated to my wife @ja3yun seriously couldn’t have done it without ur advices so seriously tysm bb!!
I. “YOU CALL ME UP // IT’S LIKE A BROKEN RECORD // SAYING THAT YOUR HEART HURTS”
Jake sighs as his phone buzzes. Picking it up he sees your caller ID and for a split of a second he doesn’t want to pick up the call. As he glances at the phone he lets himself wonder what a different life would be like; if somehow in another life he could stop caring and ignore you.
He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath — that could never be a possibility. He’s sure that if that another life actually exists, the universe would somehow bring him together with you and all of this would eventually happen.
“Y/N?” he answers, trying to keep his voice steady.
“Jake…” you manag to say even though your friend can barely hear your voice. “He broke up with me.” you said as a sob escaped from you.
Jake feels like his own heart is shattering. Not for your and Heeseung’s relationship that was over for now but mostly for himself. He’d seen you go through this too many times, always falling for the wrong boys and always ending up heartbroken.
“It just hurts so bad, Jake..” you cry, your voice breaking.
As you continued crying and uttering words that made Jake’s heart drop at how you seem to hate yourself now, he feels like he could punch Heeseung if he were to see him now. Even though he has been there for you through many of your previous heartbreaks and also fights with Heeseung he never heard you cry so bad.
“Hey, Y/N.. Listen to me. Take deep breaths, stop crying, angel, please.” Jake says softly and it makes you stop crying over the phone for a bit.
“You’re more than just a pretty face, okay? Don’t listen to him. You’re smart, you’re kind and you’re wicked funny.. And I guarantee there’s a guy out there who will see what I see, okay?”
You take a sharp breath and nodd but quickly mutter a “Yes” as you realize he can’t see you through the phone.
“I just.. Why does this keep happening, Jake? Why are all the guys I end up with always such assholes?”
“It’s not you, angel. You’re really amazing, you know? Sometimes people like him… just don’t realize what they have right in front of them until it’s too late. He will definitely come crawling back to you in no time.” Jake says in a playful tone but his words held some truth — even through your fights Heeseung always came back.
You chuckle and it makes Jake smile. He hates seeing or hearing you cry, especially when it’s about your relationships and how you always deem yourself unworthy of love from anyone when it’s your boyfriends who just can’t appreciate you.
“Thank you, Jake. Thank you for being a friend. It’s so late right now..I’m sorry for bothering you.”
Jake chuckles as well. “You never bother me, angel.”
“I’ll call you tomorrow at 10.”
Then the phone call abruptly comes to an end and Jake sighs for the second time that night. He knows you won’t call, especially if Heeseung puts his ego aside and comes back to you tonight.
He takes the pillow from under his head and places it on top, muffling a scream as his own mind and especially you liked to play him in circles again and again.
II. HE TREATS YOU SO BAD AND I’M SO GOOD TO YOU, IT’S NOT FAIR
“Okay, enough.” Jake says as he looks away from you and Heeseung’s display of affection. “I’m seriously happy you got back together but I am still third-wheeling here…” he lies gritting his teeth.
To you it looks like he is actually happy for you and just annoyed by your public display of love with Heeseung but in reality? No, in reality he simply can’t stand seeing you act so in love with the boy when just three days ago he insulted you, called you mean words and broke it off. Just for him to come back to you, act all sad, say sorry and you forgive him just like that.
You push Heeseung slightly off you and lean closer to Jake to take his hand in yours, giving it a small squeeze. “I’m sorry, Heeseung just really wanted to come to the drive-in movie and I couldn’t say no..”
Heeseung drags you back into him and puts a hand over your shoulder while the other is sneaking between your thighs. You giggle and slap his hand away while muttering that “Jake is right here”. Jake quickly adverts his eyes, finding the movie on the playing suddenly interesting.
“Oh, it’s getting rather chilly…” you say after a few minutes and look longingly at your boyfriend, hoping for him to get the message and give you his jacket.
“I told you to bring a jacket, dummy.” Heeseung says, rolling his eyes but making no move of giving his jacket to his girlfriend. “How about you go get us some drinks, baby? Maybe if you move a bit you can get warm.”
Jake shakes his head at his words and scoffs. He takes off his jacket and puts it on your shoulders. “Here, Y/N.”
You smile gratefully at Jake, your eyes softening. “ Thank you, Jake. You’re the best.”
“Anytime,” Jake replies, his voice gentle. He glances at Heeseung, his expression hardening. “You should take better care of her, man.”
Heeseung shrugged, not even bothering to spare Jake a look. “She’s fine. She can handle herself.”
Jake clenches his jaw, resisting the urge to say something more. He hates how Heeseung keeps treating you, how he takes you for granted and never caring. He treats you so bad and he’s so good to you — it just wasn’t fair.
During the movie that Jake paid no attention to , he couldn’t help but compare himself to Heeseung. What does Heeseung have that he doesn’t? Is it the hair, the stupid leather jacket he always wears, the bambi eyes, the way he carries himself with such confidence or the way he seems to effortlessly attract attention wherever he goes?
Or maybe you just happen to like the way Heeseung makes you feel after all. The excitement of the chase, the push and pull, the high and low that came with every fight and every word in it, making it hurt but also giving you a rush feeling.
But he knows you. In the long run you don’t actually want all of that. As he steals a glance at the two of you, he feels like he could scream out right now that you could be with him now. He could offer you love, stability. He decides to push off that idea out of his mind as fast as it came. You are happy with Heeseung for now and that’s all that matters.
He feels a hand on his shoulder, a gentle touch that brings him back to the present. He looks up to see you, seeing your soft smile but when he looks into your eyes he sees sadness lingering behind them.
“Hey, we’re going to head out… Heeseung needs to meet up with some friends.” you say quietly to Jake, your voice barely above a whisper.
Jake frowns, feeling frustrated. “You can stay, can’t you? You love this movie!” he exclaims, his voice louder than he intends, hoping that Heeseung can hear the disappointment in his voice.
You purse your lips and shake your head. With a low voice you mutter an apology and start to take his jacket off to return it to him but he stops you.
“Keep it.” Jake tells you offering a smile that doesn’t quite reaches his eyes.
You nod, getting up quickly and follow Heeseung to leave the drive-in movie location. You take one look back to wave goodbye at Jake, seeing him standing there, his eyes locked on you.
Jake watches you leave, the weight of unspoken words heavy on his heart. He waves back, his smile fading as soon as you turn away.
He closes his eyes and looks up at the sky, the cool night air brushing against his skin. The stars twinkle above, indifferent to his inner turmoil. He takes a deep breath, the chilly air filling his lungs, and lets it out slowly, his breath visible in the night air.
In the silence of the drive-in, the sound of distant car engines and the murmur of people leaving fill the background, but Jake is lost in his thoughts. He thinks about all the moments he’s shared with you, the laughter, the tears, and the quiet times where just being near you was enough. He thinks about the way Heeseung treats you, and it makes his chest tighten with frustration and longing.
Jake opens his eyes, the stars still sparkling above, offering no answers, no solace. He knows he can’t keep this to himself much longer. The longer he waits, the more he sees you getting hurt, the more it eats away at him. But he can’t do it. He knows you need to know that someone out there loves you deeply but what if it his feelings would ruin everything for good? For now, all he can do is be there for you, as he always has been. He turns away from the screen, walking slowly to his car. As he gets in and starts the engine, he glances back at the empty space where you had been sitting, the memory of your sad smile etched in his mind.
III. SOMETIMES I’M SO CLOSE TO CONFESSION
Jake sits in his room, the soft glow of his desk lamp casting long shadows across the walls. His mind is a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions, his heart heavy with the weight of unspoken words. For weeks now, he’s been wrestling with the idea of confessing his feelings to you, his best friend and the person he cares about most in the world. But every time he tries to gather the courage to tell you how he feels, his fears and insecurities hold him back, trapping him in a cycle of doubt and self-pity.
“Hey, Jake, are you listening?” your voice takes him out of his thoughts. You get up from the bed and go sit on the desk chair next to him.
“No, sorry.” Jake smile sheepishly. “You were saying?” he attempts to play it off.
You roll your eyes. “I was talking about this new book coming up…” you trail off, talking about the upcoming release of your favourite author.
Jake can’t help but let himself watch you. He thinks about the way you smile, the way your soft giggle fills the room and makes his heart skip a beat and the way your eyes light up when you talk about something you’re passionate about just like now.
And as he listens to you talk, he can’t help but feel a sense of longing wash over him, a longing to tell you how he feels, to lay his heart bare and risk it all for the chance at something more.
“Y/N I-“ Jake suddenly interrupts you but his bravery doesn’t last long.
As the moment passes, the words stick in his throat, suffocating him with their weight. He wants to tell you, he really does, but the fear of rejection holds him back, paralyzing him with its grip.
“Yes? Did you want to say something?” you ask him and look up to him just to see him shake his head and motioning for you to continue talking about the book.
And so he sits there, silent and still, watching you with a mixture of adoration and regret, wishing he could find the courage to take the leap and tell you how he feels.
As you continue to talk, oblivious to the turmoil raging within him, Jake can’t help but wonder what it would feel like to hold you in his arms, to kiss you under the stars, to whisper words of love into your ear. But for now, all he can do is watch and wait, hoping that one day, he’ll find the strength to confess his feelings and take a chance on love.
“You will come with me, right?” you say to him suddenly. “To the book release? Heeseung doesn’t want to come, he thinks it’s silly..”
Jake's heart skips a beat at your words, his mind racing with a mixture of excitement and nervousness but also anger towards Heeseung — how could he think your passion, your hobby is something silly and telling you that to your face nonetheless? Jake keeps those thoughts of your boyfriend to himself. However the thought of spending time alone with you again, of being by your side as you indulge in something you love and hanging out just like old times, fills him with a sense of warmth and anticipation.
“Of course, Y/N,” he says, his voice soft.“I’d love to come with you.”
A smile spreads across your face, and Jake feels his heart swell with happiness at the sight. For a moment, everything else fades away, leaving just the two of you, lost in the moment together.
And as you talk excitedly about the upcoming event, Jake can't help but feel a sense of hope stir within him. Maybe this is his chance, his opportunity to finally confess his feelings and take a chance on love. And as he looks into your eyes, he knows that no matter what happens, he'll always be there for you, ready to support you and cherish every moment you share together.
IV. I’M RIGHT HERE, WHEN YOU GONNA REALISE // THAT I’M YOUR CURE?
“Heeseung, what’s gotten into you?” you ask, frustration clear in your tone as you watch him pace around your living room.
Heeseung stops and scoffs. “Are you serious?”
You fight the urge to roll your eyes. Ever since he tagged along to the the drive-in movie hang out between you and Jake and then found out you went with Jake to your book release event he started to act out. He rejects your ideas to go out on a date, he rejects initiating any kind of intimacy to you — even refusing to hold your hand, something he’s never done in your 6 months relationship.
You can’t help but feel confused and hurt by his sudden change in behaviour. He used to be so affectionate even if you had a fight and was always eager to show you off on dates and such but now he seems like a completely different person.
“Seriously, Heeseung. Talk to me, what’s going on?” you press, your voice tinged with worry.
Heeseung looks at you and steps closer. “You’re in love, baby.” he says while putting a strand of your hair behind your ear, smiling softly. “But not with me.”
“What?” you say, your mind racing as you try to process what he just said.
“I think you should give Jake a call.” Heeseung continues, his expression earnest though you can’t help but feel puzzled by his sudden insight. Heeseung chuckles. “C’mon, baby. Did you think I wouldn’t notice? How your eyes always light up when he’s around or how you always talk about him when he’s not and bring him up whenever there’s an opportunity? Or how you always compare what I do with what he does?”
You part your lips slightly, caught off guard by his observations. His words hit you like a bolt of lightning, sparking a flurry of emotions within you.
“But… I…” you stammer, struggling to find the words to express the tumultuous thoughts swirling in your mind.
Heeseung reaches out, gently cupping your face in his hands. “It’s okay, Y/N,” he says softly. “I understand. Hell, I’d fall in love with the guy too if he were to always drop everything and be at my beck and call. How did you not realise everything sooner? I swear, he has been so obvious the past weeks.” he chuckles. “Actually, did you know he had a presentation on the day you went with him to the book release? He talked with his professor to present it earlier so he could come with you.”
Heeseung’s words hit you like a sudden gust of winter wind, cutting through the air with their sharpness and leaving you feeling exposed and vulnerable. His observations about Jake’s actions leave you reeling, the realization sinking in like a heavy weight on your chest.
“I… I didn’t know,” you whisper, your voice barely above a whisper as you struggle to process the information. “I didn’t realize he was going out of his way for me…”
Heeseung’s hands drop from your face, his expression softening with understanding. “It’s okay, Y/N,” he says gently, his voice a comforting presence in the midst of the storm raging inside you. “Sometimes, it’s hard to see things clearly when you’re too close to them.”
You nod slowly, feeling a sense of guilt wash over you at the thought of all the times you may have overlooked Jake’s gestures of affection. How could you have been so blind to his feelings, so oblivious to the depth of his love for you?
Heeseung leans in closer and kisses your forehead. It’s a tender, lingering kiss, filled with a mixture of sadness and acceptance. He pulls back, looking into your eyes one last time with a strained smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. The weight of the moment hangs heavy between you, and you can feel the finality in his actions. He turns and walks towards the door.
You watch him leave, your heart aching as he steps out of your apartment. The door closes behind him with a soft click, and you stand there, feeling a profound sense of loss. Part of you wants to run after him, to call him back and somehow make everything right. But you know that some things can’t be fixed with a few words.
You move to the window and peer out, hoping to catch a glimpse of Heeseung, hoping he would turn back and give you one last look. But the street below is empty, and the cold night air feels like a reflection of the unresting feeling inside you.
For the first time after a break-up, you don’t call Jake. You take the night to yourself, the silence of your apartment enveloping you like a cold winter's night. Your mind is a whirlwind of confusion and heartache, the echoes of Heeseung's words lingering like a biting chill.
As you sit alone, wrapped in a blanket on the couch, your thoughts turn to Jake. The realisation that he might have deeper feelings for you sends a shiver down your spine. You’ve always seen him as your rock, your dependable best friend, but now, faced with the possibility that his feelings might run deeper, you feel an icy grip of uncertainty and fear tighten around your heart.
You think about all the moments you’ve shared with Jake, the late-night conversations, the inside jokes, the way he’s always been there for you. How could you have been so blind to his feelings? The thought of potentially hurting him, of disrupting the comfortable dynamic you’ve always shared, fills you with a sense of dread. It’s like stepping out into the harsh winter wind, unsure if you’ll be able to find your way back to the warmth and safety you’ve known.
You wrap the blanket tighter around yourself, seeking comfort in its embrace, but your mind continues to spiral. What if you don’t feel the same way? What if your feelings for Jake are merely a reflection of your gratitude and dependence on his unwavering support? The thought of leading him on, of giving him false hope, sends a pang of guilt through you. The guilt eats at you for not noticing sooner, for being so wrapped up in your own relationships and dramas that you missed the quiet, steady love that Jake might have been offering all along. It’s a chilling thought, realizing how much you might have overlooked in your pursuit of fleeting romances with others.
Your heart and mind feel like a frozen landscape, barren and cold, with no clear path forward. You can’t deny the flutter of something more when you think of Jake, but it’s buried under layers of confusion and fear. You’ve been through so much heartache, and the idea of risking your most cherished friendship for a chance at something more feels like walking on thin ice, fragile and treacherous.
The night wears on, and the cold, empty silence of your apartment presses down on you. You long for the warmth of Jake’s presence, his soothing voice and reassuring words, but you know you can’t run to him this time. You need to sort through your feelings, to understand what’s real and what’s born out of loneliness and a desire for comfort.
As the hours pass, you come to a bittersweet realization. You need to protect Jake from potential heartbreak, to shield him from the uncertainty that’s freezing your heart. You care for him too much to risk his happiness on your unresolved feelings. And so, for the first time, you decide to face this winter storm on your own, hoping that in the process, you’ll find clarity and the strength to either embrace or gently let go of what could be.
Tomorrow, you’ll see him, and maybe the warmth of his smile will melt some of the ice around your heart. But tonight, you wrap yourself tighter in your blanket and let the winter winds of your emotions rage on, knowing that some answers can only be found in the stillness of the cold.
You don’t see him tomorrow. Instead, you chose to run from him, from his feelings and your own. The weight of your confusion and fear makes you retreat further into yourself, wrapping the cold, comforting solitude around you like a protective cloak. You bury yourself in college work, books and anything that can keep your mind occupied. Yet, in the quiet moments — those still, silent spaces between the busyness — your thoughts inevitably drift back to Jake.
The look in Jake’s eyes when he’s with you haunts you. It’s a look filled with warmth and unspoken words. A look that now seems so painfully clear in hindsight. It’s as if he’s always been there, offering you a love as constant and reassuring as the summer sun, yet you were too caught up in the fleeting, cold winter winds of other relationships to notice.
Jake’s feelings for you feel like a warm summer day. They’re gentle and persistent, bringing light and comfort into your life without demanding anything in return. His love is the kind that warms you from the inside out, melting away the icy barriers you’ve built around your heart. But now, the fear of stepping into that warmth, of risking the friendship you hold so dear, keeps you trapped in a winter of your own making.
Meanwhile, Jake is left adrift, confused and hurt by your sudden withdrawal. He tries to seek you out, to understand why you’re avoiding him, but every attempt is met with distance. He feels like he’s chasing shadows, reaching out for something that slips further away with each passing day. He even tried to talk with Heeseung, hoping that the man knows something of why you’re acting this way towards him but much like you, Heeseung avoided him.
As the days turn into a week, the winter storm within you begins to show signs of weakening. The relentless busyness that you’ve thrown yourself into can’t keep the feelings at bay forever. In those quiet moments, when you’re alone with your thoughts, you start to feel the warmth of Jake’s love seeping through the cracks in your icy defenses.
You remember the way he looked at you, the gentle, unspoken promises in his eyes. The realization that you’ve been running from something so genuine, so pure, starts to thaw the fear and confusion that have held you captive. The warmth of Jake’s love begins to melt the ice around your heart, and you start to see things more clearly.
You know you can’t avoid him forever. The thought of hurting Jake, of causing him pain with your indecision, is unbearable. You decide that it’s time to face your feelings, to confront the truth that you’ve been so afraid of. You owe it to Jake, and to yourself, to be honest about what’s in your heart.
With a deep breath, you pick up your phone and send him a message, asking to meet. The anticipation of seeing him again fills you with a mix of dread and hope. You know the conversation ahead will be difficult, but it’s the only way to move forward.
As you wait for his response, you feel a sense of clarity. The journey ahead might be uncertain, but you’re ready to step into the light, to embrace the summer warmth that Jake’s love promises. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll find that the path you’re most afraid of is the one that leads you to the happiness you’ve been searching for.
“Ofcourse. When and where?”
His response is immediate, no hesitation, no hint of the confusion and hurt you know he must be feeling. The simplicity of his words, the readiness to meet despite everything, brings a small, bittersweet smile to your face. You suggest a quiet café near campus, a place you both know well, and set a time for the next afternoon.
The next day, as you make your way to the café, your mind is a whirlwind of emotions. The warmth of the spring sun on your face feels like a promise, a gentle reassurance that everything might just be okay. You take a deep breath, trying to steady your nerves, and step inside.
Jake is already there, sitting at a corner table. The sight of him sends a rush of emotions through you — relief, nervousness and a profound sense of familiarity. He looks up as you approach, and his puppy like smile is like a beacon of warmth cutting through your lingering uncertainty.
“Hey,” he says softly, standing up to greet you.
“Hey,” you reply, your voice a little shaky. You both sit down, and for a moment, there’s an awkward silence. Jake’s eyes search your face, and you can see the questions and concern in them.
“I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you,” you start, your voice barely above a whisper. “I just needed some time to think.”
Jake nods, his expression understanding but guarded. “I’ve been worried about you,” he admits. “I didn’t know what was going on, and I… I missed you.”
His words hit you like a gentle breeze, warm and reassuring, but also filled with a depth of emotion that makes your heart ache. “I missed you too,” you confess. “I needed to figure out some things… about us, about my feelings.”
Jake’s eyes widen slightly, a flicker of hope and fear crossing his face. “Us?Your feelings?” he echoes, his voice tense with anticipation.
You take a deep breath, gathering your courage. “Jake, you’ve always been there for me. You’ve been my rock, my best friend, and… I’ve realized that maybe, I’ve been blind to something that’s been right in front of me all along.”
His eyes are locked onto yours, and you can see the hope growing, the warmth in his gaze like the sun breaking through the clouds after a cold cold winter day. “What do you mean?” he asks softly.
“I mean…” you struggle to find the right words, the right way to express the tumult of emotions inside you. “I think I’ve been so caught up in my own fears and insecurities that I didn’t see what was right in front of me. You’ve always been there, and I’ve come to realize that… that I care about you, Jake. More than just as a friend.”
There, it’s out. You think as you let the words out of your mouth. The words hang in the air between you, a confession that feels both terrifying and liberating. Jake’s expression softens, a mixture of relief and overwhelming emotion flooding his face.
“I’ve cared about you for a long time.. I’m surprised you didn’t notice sooner,” he admits, his voice shaking slightly. “I didn’t know how to tell you without risking what we have. But hearing you say that… it means everything to me.”
You reach across the table, taking his hand in yours. The simple touch feels like a lifeline, grounding you in this moment of vulnerability and honesty. “I’m scared, Jake,” you confess. “I’m scared of losing what we have, but I’m more scared of never knowing what we could be.”
Jake squeezes your hand, his grip warm and reassuring. “We’ll figure it out together,” he promises. “We’ve always been there for each other, and that won’t change. I want to be with you, Y/N. Not just as your friend, but as someone who loves you.”
His words are like the first true warmth of summer, melting away the last of your fears. You smile, a genuine, hopeful smile, and nod. “I want that too, Jake. I want to see where this goes, with you.”
As you sit there, hand in hand, you feel the ice around your heart finally melt away, replaced by the warmth and promise of a new beginning. The journey ahead might be uncertain, but with Jake by your side, you know you’ll face it together, one step at a time.
#— 💭 mars ; written work#i had no idea what i was doing its 2am#enhypen jake fic#jake x reader#jake sim x reader#sim jaeyun x reader#enha x reader#enha angst#enha fluff#enha imagines#enhypen imagines#jake imagines
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Listen, Anthony's IG stories be about unconditional love and whatnot. I don't give a flying rats ass, they're about Ian 😎
LISTEN whenever i share my thoughts ppl call me crazy. But hear me out. I'm running an update account (@ian-anthonyupdates ) and im following his stories since december. And i believe all his stories about destiny/finding the true love/unconditional love/universe/sun-moon coded, fire and water coded stories are about Ian. And i have a ten pics limit so im gonna show a little bit whats in my head. (Check spirituality/lover boy tags in my updates profile you're gonna see what i mean i think half of them are related to Ian if not most) (the unconditional love videos he share is gonna be last)
Starting from his art pieces and their connection to Ian. This post was shared on the night of eclipse. For you guys to fully understand this whole interaction i need to start from the beginning of the day. Ian shared he watched the eclipse that day. He sharing a meme and a shadow of the eclipse (I'm gonna explain more in the next part) and then Anthony shared the red painting you can see at the back. Around the same time. That was Ian's FIRST ever comment in Anthony's painting account. He also followed Anthony's painting page and said 'this one was my favorite one so far'. And that night Anthony shared this heart, with the painting Ian liked at the back. Heart with an eye in it. Now eye is a keyword for us remember that it's gonna come up later in this essay lmao also noticed the tray in the table? Yeah it is coming in now.
Now here is the part tray comes in. That first tray is Anthony's tray. We can see it on the story he shared from the same day. And the eclipse story is Ian's story, he was watching the eclipse. Did you notice something? It is Anthony's tray, theyre watching the eclipse together. Now you may say that tray didnt come out in the factory as one piece. But remember it is from the same day. And its up to you if you believe it or not im just giving my observation. And remember this is the same day he liked Anthony's painting and followed his account. It is very very possible that they were together and maybe he even watched Anthony while he is painting.
After that watching the eclipse story. Anthony made an eclipse painting. Very obviously the sun hugging the moon. I love sun and moon ianthony stories because Anthony himself said Ian is like the sun. And we all know the romantic meaning of moon and sun, how sun illuminates the moon, how moon is in love with the sun and always around it. So it fits them. And Anthony shared this painting a few times after he did it which he was not doing that at the time. Like he wanted someone to see it and like it, comment on it like he did before with the red painting. But it didnt happen sadly :/ (this also might be the reason of instagram drama but im not opening that can of worms)
Now the EYES. Anthony and his obsession with blue eyes. This is definitely coming from looong before (i.e all his past gfs being blue eyed) but you know who's the first blue eye he met? Yeah you guessed it right. Ian. It doesnt even have to be love, but i think ian's eyes was always a safe place to him, something warm and remind him home and makes him feel happy cause Ian makes him happy. And he always complimented ian's eyes, how theyre beautiful and whenever Ian wears blue he always mention it, he even said "your eyes are out of this word" in Jared Leto live stream. So he loves blue eyes of a special person. And if you noticed before he loves drawing them too, either just blue pupils or full blue eyes but there's a couple of them. I'm specifically sharing this one cause he put a secret message in this. "I see the universe in your eyes" he shared lots of stuff about universe and destiny and love. And talked about him and Ian meeting again was universes job/ destiny. So i think he is associating Ian with the destiny/universe/galaxies stuff. NOW whats MORE interesting is Ian shared that story 7 hours after Anthony shared his painting... Interesting right. Oh btw Anthony always share his painting steps but he didnt share the i see the universe in your eyes. Like its a secret message just for one person to get it. And that person get it and send his own message back.
To accompany the eclipse painting, he used two songs, one that talked about a "longing" and another that was called Bliss and was the same piece that was playing in another story he shared that was about "consciousness observing the feeling of falling in love". (Which makes the romantic connotation of the eclipse painting undeniable). To make it even more interesting the same day he posted that eclipse painting he posted a picture of himself in lan's office, under a tapestry depicting a sun.
Ok this is getting SO LONG. But stay with me. The first one the hug. I shared that the hug looks exactly like their hugs. This is not obviously just that. The caption is more important. "Our differences makes us complete. Anthony talked about Ian and him being opposites in multiple videos till now. They're like water and fire, sun and moon, yin and yang. But this doesnt change the fact that they always find each other. If anything they're so happy with it now. They're getting along more than before.
Well do i have to say anything? Friendship always wins.
Again water and fire hugging allegory. I love that he's thinking of each other like that. He also make comments about Ian bringing the fire, also the fact that he's sun literally fire ball. Ian's favorite movie rrr had water/sun allegory. So it is obv to me he thinks of them when it's about opposites falling. Oh and he also have a "in order to live life we need fire" tattoo.
This one is so funny cause i didnt get it until they talk in the live stream. He talked about how he saw Ian going for a walk and he said can I join you too? And ofc Ian said yes and they went for a walk around together. He literally shared this the day Ian and him go for a walk together 😭 he said life is pretty good actually after spending time with Ian is so🥺
This was also from the same day he went on a walk with Ian. I think it fits. Watch hot tub live stream for the full walk story.
This was the day after they spend time together, going for a walk, shooting day. He missed someone.
Tbh this is pretty self explanatory too. He did see Ian as coming home, a safe place, like turning back home after a Kong tiring day, just like he did with meeting with Ian again and glowing with him each passing day.
Well Ian is pretty LMAO and i don't see he's posting this about someone new. Like idk 🤷🏻
Again the unconditional love theme. He share a lot of stuff about this actually. I think it fits them. He loves Ian without a reason.
People think the first one is about someone new. Cause of the way it says "and then one day someone walks into your life" like someone walks into his life just now. But i see this as him remembering their first meet. How Ian walked into his life that very day in 6th grade and how he changed his life completely. Anthony is so talented don't get me wrong but if they're smosh now, if he is Anthony Padilla™ now its because of Ian. Ian was with him from the very beginning. He was helping him, encouraging him, supporting him when he was a shy lil teen in front of the camera. I think Ian is the one that walking in his life and completely changing it in the best way possible.
Unconditional love, a theme he is posting about very occasionly. Since we're that deep and ppl already call me delulu im just gonna write what i write to friends when i see his unconditional love stories.
Unconditional love means he would love him without expecting anything in return. This doesn't mean there's no love returning back to him but means he would love him even if there wasn't. Even if Ian didn't hug him enough or kiss him enough or share him with the world the way he wants it. He'd still love him. Cause his love is unconditional. He doesn't need any of this. He still loves him without getting to shout out to the world.
He is meaning he would love him for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish. This is basically a wedding wow. It doesnt mean he thinks Ian wont make him laugh or he is not beautiful or hes poor, no he means even if he had nothing he'd still love him. Hence the unconditional. They loved each other when they were little boy's that have nothing and look like little gremlins. And i think its not gonna go away soon.
Oh also did you notice something? The very beginning of the video. Is basically the same as the ornament in Ian's room. With a bright and rising sun in it : )
Ok bye love y'all 💖
#smosh#ian hecox#anthony padilla#ianthony#☀️🔍#Anthony's Instagram stories#soupmates#soulmates#soulmatism#analisys
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A list about how one could potentially percieve Gortash as a bottom and/or more submissive partner (and definitely not just cuz my brain worms demand it)
That man is all about power. But that's taxing y'all. Yet control is cool. And where could you possibly give up your 'power' while still retaining control? In the bedroom. Just like a lot of other people in higher positions or with some amount of 'power' like it. As well as control freaks. Yk man studied and got a safe word and all but he'd also shoot his shot in 2 seconds flat if you tie him up like a cute little xmas present.
That dude worships the floor Durge walks on. He praises Durge's achievements in multiple instances, and cherishes the letters and all (mf has a scrapbook, ffs). All in all, down bad simp behaviour. Would 1000% sub for a partner like that and just in general do everything that's being asked of him and more because he's an overachiever.
Banites are professional bootlickers. Their hierarchy is based on who can kiss ass the best. The number 1 employee of the month gets to be Bane's chosen and probably a rimjob.
The whole fist bit. I don't need to explain, @laubritter has already blessed us.
He was raised by a bottom. It runs in the adopted family.
He already considers Durge to be a god. He literally says that. And while Durge has a divine spark they're not a god. But Lord Gortash does not give a flying fuck despite knowing that. See this post for reference.
Also like, he can be submissive and a top, or he could be a bottom and so fucking dominant. He could also just be a service dom or really into the whole worshipping bit. Perhaps a praise or degradation kink here and there. That man checks a lot of boxes thanks to being a conundrum. Also also, switches are a thing.
But yeah, bottoming and subbing are not mutually exclusive, though he does strike me as daddy's good little boy who will go down on his knees as soon as the right person looks at him funny. Because his dairies read like that. Yk, his most personal possessions.
But that's just me. Also while I'm at it, I'm a supporter of the quickshot bit that's been going on. Have you seen his Ludwig VI pants? The ones that highlight his crotch? Yk there's some compensation or smth going on there. It's the Mercedes Benz of ancient times.
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cinematicnomad's steddie fic recs
i've been reading a lot of stranger things steddie fics over the past 2 months so i've decided it's time for me to make one of my requisite fic reclists, both for myself, and for anyone else interested. here's my usual reminder that i prefer lengthy fics, and that i am also a sucker for canon divergent fics (which basically all of these are bc eddie is alive post s4 obviously unless it's a time loop fic—if i tag a fic as "canon divergent eddie lives", assume this means the fic is compliant through the end of s4 except for eddie's death) and happy endings. all these fics are complete, though it's possible that if the fic is part of a series the series may not be complete. i will try to always add appropriate tags!
T = teen
M = mature
Ex = explicit
NR = not rated
bracing for impact by writersagainstwritersblock (1/1 | 9k+ | T)
canon divergent eddie lives; wayne POV; steve has bad parents; outsider POV
wayne watches as eddie falls hopelessly in love, with of all people, goddamn steve harrington.
it's not a big deal by aidaronan (1/1 | 11k+ | M)
canon divergent eddie lives; alternating POV; mutual pining; angst w/ a happy ending
eddie survives, but his entire life is locked away in the upside down forever (his books, his dnd stuff, his guitar.) everything that wasn't on eddie when steve carried him into the ER, gone.
so naturally steve starts giving him things. handing eddie back those little outward markers of who he is.
you oughta know by thisapplepielife / @thisapplepielife (1/1 | 12k+ | M)
canon divergent eddie lives; steve POV; future fic; angst w/ a happy ending
days stretch out, long and slow. steve tries to ignore the only thing he’s sure of: eddie ran. he ran from him, ran from all of them.
or: steve's having a rough couple of years, thanks for asking.
compliant fic: i'm brave, but i'm chicken shit (1/1 | 13k+ | M)
eddie POV; eddie centric; 1990s; recreational drug use
introduced me to my mind by alchemystique (2/2 | 16k+ | T)
canon divergent eddie lives; mutual pining; getting together; happy ending
"eddie," wayne says, and eddie fights the urge to scream, or laugh, or cry.
"i'm not running," eddie tells him, even though that is a fucking lie.
"you should call him more," wayne says, and eddie rubs the meat of his palm into his eyeballs until he sees stars. doesn’t think about what 'call him more' means in context—do they talk about him?
series: sweet leaf (4/4 | 16k+ | T)
outsider POVs; rockstar!eddie; period typical homophobia
steve harrington's guide to making it work by eggbertsheggbert (8/8 | 23k+ | NR)
canon divergent eddie lives; steve POV; bad harrington parents; steve is kicked out; angst w/ a happy ending
steve harrington has never been good at asking for help. especially not since he started being seen as the protector of the group. so, when his parents kick him out after discovering his sexuality, he figures he can get extra shifts, save up, and get a place before anyone realizes anything is wrong.
join steve as he takes on the weight of the world. he's got it figured out, he's definitely NOT struggling, and—above all else—he can make this work.
it's alright if you love me by alivingfire (7/7 | 31k+ | T)
canon divergent eddie lives; outsider POV; character study; 5+1; steve-centric; hurt/comfort
"oh, haven't you heard? steve harrington doesn't cry."
in which steve harrington breaks up, breaks a few hearts (including his own), breaks free, and finally gets to break down.
or: 5 times steve didn't cry, and 1 time he did.
off the beaten path by pukner (6/6 | 34k+ | M)
canon divergent post s3; alternating POV; queer awakenings; cliffhanger ending (must read sequels)*
"i'm saying this," says steve, loudly, cutting him off, "because someone i love is, uh, gay. and i love them, but like, platonically. and also me calling you a queer might've been a little hypocritical, in retrospect."
there is a long, baffled pause.
"what," says jonathan, "steve, are you—are you coming out to me?"
steve frowns, "oh, yeah, i guess i am. cool."
or, post season 3, steve manages to figure out that he's bisexual, despite his best efforts to repress it, comes out to robin and jonathan byers of all people, and figures himself out. also, there's a cute guy who might be actually insane running the kids' dnd club and he's got his eye on him. and his bandana.
too bad eddie munson hasn't had a similar revelation. he's still under the impression that he's a straight man obsessing over steve harrington for normal, extremely heterosexual reasons.
OR: steve figures out he's bi before eddie figures out that he's gay. eddie still manages to fall first.
series: *off-script (2/2 | 67k+ | Ex)
eddie POV; internalized homophobia; mutual pining
a tattoo is worth a thousand words by writersagainstwritersblock (18/18 | 40k+ | M)
canon divergent post s3; eddie POV; babysitter steve harrington; getting together
"ambidextrous, princess, it’s what makes me so good with my hands." eddie wiggled his fingers.
"you mean for guitar?" steve asked, completely missing the innuendo, and also nearly knocking eddie flat at the thought that steve harrington knew he played guitar.
"you stalking me or something?" eddie asked.
steve frowned. "uh, no, but your band played in the middle school talent show, it's pretty hard to forget a thirteen year old screaming death metal before his voice dropped."
eddie almost laughed at that. almost. "you saying i'm unforgettable, princess?"
"if that’s how you want to take it, munson."
eddie realized this was turning towards something far more dangerous than taunting a boy known for getting into fights, like flirting with a very, very straight boy known for getting into fights.
OR
after the events of season three steve shows up on eddie's doorstep asking for a tattoo... and then keeps showing up much to the dismay of eddie's traitorous heart.
sequel: visible ink (12/12 | 57k+ | M)
outsider POVs; firefighter!steve; tattoo artist!eddie; found family
the one in which a time loop is fucking exhausting. by badpancake (12/12 | 41k+ | T)
canon compliant; time loop; steve POV; temporary character death; suicide; angst w/ a happy ending
it’s the first time in a while that he doesn’t know what comes next. he’s dove into the water hundreds of times. screamed as his flesh was torn apart, heard master of puppets in the distance and held back tears. felt max’s cold, small hand in his as she laid in the hospital bed. there are things that always happen, no matter how hard he tries: el doesn’t arrive in time. eddie dies. max is put in a coma.
steve fails. they lose.
"steve, how many loops have you been through?"
his head is nodding, and his eyes are watery, and eddie has approached him like a spooked animal.
"i lost count.”
AKA: the one where steve harrington is stuck in a time loop, and eddie munson is really fucking hard to save, or: fuck volume 2, these bitches are in love.
steve the reluctant by rachtay13 (7/7 | 46k+ | Ex)
canon divergent eddie lives; steve POV; oblivious steve; steve plays dnd
robin raised her brows.
"you know what, harrington?" she nodded her head. "yeah, you know what? i dare you to make a friend. i dare you."
read for steve in denial, excessive d&d gameplay, robin as a mermaid, and eddie's glinting rings.
as one reader said "the most frustratingly dense version of steve i have ever read and i am HERE for it."
you're so fucked up and i love it by genericfanatic (18/18 | 54k+ | Ex)
canon divergent eddie lives; eddie POV; accidental relationship; hurt/comfort
eddie munson hated steve harrington. he'd apparently saved his life, dragged him out of hell and got him to a hospital while nancy rushed behind him working on alibis and half truths to prove he couldn’t have murdered chrissy. and here he was, doomed to live for the foreseeable future, in debt forever to steve fucking harrington.
but eddie really hated how normal steve fucking was.
where do we go from here? (quietly fading away) by allandmore (9/9 | 60k+ | M)
canon divergent eddie lives; steve POV; angst w/ a happy ending; non-graphic violence
"what's scarier than saving the world? figuring out what to do afterwards. i get it," eddie turns on his side, one shoulder on the wall, and grips the front of steve's shirt. His face is so close steve can feel the warmth of his breath. "but we've got time now. right, steve? we bought us all time. time to figure all our shit out. isn’t that what matters?"
OR
steve harrington struggles to find purpose after the upside down.
(but maybe purpose doesn't have to be big. maybe it's helping dustin navigate sophomore year. maybe it's reminding robin to send in college admission letters. maybe it's eddie munson. maybe).
star of the masquerade by glorious_spoon (6/6 | 64k+ | M)
canon compliant; eddie POV; time loop; temporary character death; angst w/ a happy ending
steve jerks awake, sitting up so quickly that robin almost topples over and staring wildly around the room. when his gaze lands on eddie, he blanches visibly.
"oh, shit," he mutters. "come on, no. come on. not again."
"harrington?" eddie asks slowly. he does not love the way that steve is staring at him right now. he really doesn’t. steve looks like he’s staring at a ghost, a bloodied monster, like eddie is something that should not exist in the light of day. "you good, dude?"
one size fits all by entanglednow (10/10 | 65k+ | Ex)
canon divergent eddie lives; steve POV; fake/pretend relationship; misunderstandings; slow burn
steve just wanted to do something nice for a friend, he doesn't mean to get eddie's ring stuck on his finger, and it's definitely not his fault that everyone he knows is jumping to conclusions.
renegades (leave a light on) by queerofthedagger (13/13 | 66k+ | Ex)
canon divergent s2; eddie POV; road trip; slow burn; strangers to lovers
eddie doesn't expect to get into trouble for his recent drug business, although he probably should have. even less does he expect steve harrington of all people to save his sorry ass with a nail bat that looks awfully at home in his hands. least of all, though, does he expect harrington to insist on skipping town for a while to avoid the fallout.
the winter holidays of '84 seem intent on proving him wrong on all fronts. thrown into a spontaneous road trip-slash-cut-and-run to san francisco—just until things back home blow over, munson—eddie has all the time in the world to confront such questions as: why would harrington care to help him? why does he wake up from nightmares more often than not? and, maybe most importantly, why is the former king so ready to leave hawkins behind on a whim?
or: idiot boys make impulsive idiot decisions, and along the way—reluctantly but inevitably—they fall in love. a story of endless winter streets, finding family, and leaving home to find a new one.
falling without caution (people watching) by super_skam310 (10/10 | 66k+ | NR)
canon divergent eddie lives; eddie POV; slow burn; eventual happy ending
steve harrington is a man that demands your attention; whether your give it willingly or not is inconsequential. eddie's camp tended to be in the latter category.
OR
eddie's borderline obsessive watching of steve spanning from steve's freshman year to season 4, culminating in the unfortunate realization that the king had been dethroned the moment nail bat hit monster flesh and that maybe steve harrington was lovable all along.
in the margins by foxy_mulder (4/4 | 70k+ | T)
canon divergent eddie lives; steve POV; angst w/ a happy ending; suicidal thoughts; hurt/comfort
steve is having a hard time adjusting to the new normal, after everything that went down. he doesn't want to bother his friends with his problems, though, when they've got so much weight on their shoulders already.
steve stumbles on an alternate version of hawkins, where none of it ever happened. everyone’s alive, his headaches are gone, his friends actually want to hang out with him, and he’s…happy. (the party has to fight another monster. but this one doesn't prey on people's fears. it preys on their deepest desires.)
skull rock era by chattrekisses (11/11 | 71k+ | Ex)
canon divergent s2; steve POV; slow burn; internalized homophobia; fix-it
steve harrington never planned for eddie munson.
steve was supposed to marry his high school sweetheart, have 2.5 children, and take over the family business. he was supposed to live a blissful life on a nondescript cul-de-sac, complete with a white picket fence and a closet full of tasteful polo shirts. he was supposed to make a graceful transition between being the golden boy and being the american dream.
mediocrity was what destiny had designed for steve. reality had other plans.
(or, steve and eddie, against all odds, fall in love.)
roll for seduction by spikeisthebigbad (37/37 | 74k+ | Ex)
canon divergent post s3; steve POV; steve plays dnd; fix-it
when steve reluctantly agreed to play dungeons and dragons with the hellfire club he expected to hate every second. he did not expect to spend his friday nights flirting with eddie munson.
what if eddie and steve were dating during season 4? starts after season 3, and eventually ventures into season 4. not canon compliant.
in over my head by staymagical (16/16 | 75k+ | Ex)
canon divergent eddie lives; alternating POV; head trauma; temporary amnesia
one moment, steve is entering his room, ready for bed, and the next he's in forest hills staring at a very confused very concerned eddie and the run-down remains of the old munson trailer.
three hours later.
thus begins a secret shared between friends, steve leaning on eddie as they try and understand and navigate this new terrifying post-concussion symptom of steve's. with vecna dead and the gates closed, it can only be steve's own scrambled brain giving up on reality. it's a race against the unknown, trying to find answers and search for solutions before it happens again and steve isn't sure how long he can keep pretending he is alright when he is anything but.
leave the light on sometimes all night by anniebibananie (7/7 | 78k+ | M)
au—no upside down; steve POV; hurt/comfort; slow burn; eventual smut
june 1986
steve is lonely.
he’s always been lonely, honestly. an empty house, absent parents, friends that didn’t really know him. frankly, he probably doesn’t really know himself, either. it used to be easier to ignore—between sports and parties and searching for the next girl to hang around with.
then nancy wheeler told him he was bullshit. in the wreckage of the storm, he realized she probably hadn’t been that off base to call his life bullshit.
[life in hawkins, indiana is boring, ordinary, no supernatural entities. steve still changes.
luckily, he still makes some new friends, too. certain people are simply meant to be in the same story.]
the lathe by palmviolet (13/13 | 82k+ | M)
canon compliant; steve POV; time loop; fix-it; angst w/ a happy ending; implied self-harm
"this time, do it right. this time eddie won’t bleed out in his arms, in anyone’s arms. this time, steve will do it right."
— or, steve relives the day they try to kill vecna over and over, and eddie just can't seem to stop dying. steve finds this totally unacceptable.
sequel: disaster / lucky (1/1 | 7k+ | M)
coda; eddie POV; implied/referenced self-harm; trauma recovery
(something happens and i'm) head over heels by gibbouslunation (11/11 | 94k+ | T)
canon divergent eddie lives; alternating POV; head trauma; angst w/ a happy ending
eddie made a strangled disbelieving noise, expression flickering. "you are not apologizing to me right now, for like, feeling a normal way about stuff. i can’t believe you."
steve pushed a shaking hand through his hair. his heart rate no longer in his ears meant he felt he could at least think a little more clearly. "maybe it was the heat. doesn’t always have to be something messed up, right?"
eddie gave him a placating nod. "sure, heat exhaustion is a helluva thing."
it had been happening a lot recently. the…forgetting. zonking out. whatever. he was pretty sure he was just extra exhausted, it had been a few weeks since everything but it might have just been the adrenaline or something finally wearing off. sometimes it was like he just forgot someone was speaking, or couldn’t remember for a moment what they’d been talking about. like blinking out of a fog maybe.
it does not get better, in fact, it actually continues to get worse.
burned on the pyre by oklahoma (13/13 | 105k+ | Ex)
canon compliant; steve POV; time loop; temporary character death; angst w/ a happy ending
"i’m gonna save your life, eddie munson."
-
caught in a time loop created by eleven where he is forced to relive the same day over and over, steve has to come up with a plan to kill vecna entirely while also making sure eddie and max don’t lose their lives in the process.
the beat has just begun by forgetthemoon (12/12 | 106k+ | M)
canon compliant; steve POV; period-typical homophobia; fix it; slow burn
vecna dies. so does eddie. the world doesn't split open. in the aftermath, steve goes home to an empty house.
well. almost empty.
steve sighs, hanging his head. one more thing. then he can go to bed. the dirty towel can wait until later. he tosses it towards the bathtub without looking and turns to the sink, grabbing his toothbrush and toothpaste. when he looks in the mirror, eddie's staring back at him.
lonely is the night by intrajanelle (23/23 | 109k+ | T)
canon divergent post s2; canon rewrite; eddie POV; hurt steve; angst w/ a happy ending
harrington had fallen, splayed in front of his preppy little beemer, like the jock equivalent of a fallen fucking angel. eddie, not having thought this through, watched harrington’s eyes roll to the back of his head, and said, "well, crap."
or: post-season 2, eddie and steve get to know one another.
the end is here (and we do it a hundred times over) by placebythering (13/13 | 125k+ | M)
canon compliant; steve POV; time loop; temporary death; suicide; angst w/ a happy ending
steve jolts awake, staring up into the dull beige of the camper’s ceiling. there’s a distinct brown stain, likely from a leak. the cushion of the back seat is hard against his back, and if he strains he could hear yelling and laughing from the outside.
he wonders if he’s finally lost his fucking mind.
—or, steve relives the day of the end over and over again.
caught in the middle, helpless again by margosfairyeye (14/14 | 131k+ | Ex)
canon compliant; eddie POV; time loop; angst w/ a happy ending; canon-typical violence
fuck, eddie has been here before.
the deja vu was bad enough but this is like, double, this is like deja deja vu or deja vu vu or something, this is unprecedented shit here.
and eddie knows what comes next, knows like the roiling ache in his stomach that they’re going to go in, go though the portal and into the upside fucking down and didn’t they already do this?
-- --
eddie loops through the time from lover's lake to his death, over and over again.
take the money and run by thisapplepielife / @thisapplepielife (22/22 |143k+ | Ex)
canon divergent eddie lives; alternating POV; road trip; getting together; future fic
"rules. like, there’ll be no eating in my car. you're not driving my car. no heavy metal," steve keeps listing, "you’re not picking up women and fucking them in m—"
"i'll try to control myself," eddie interrupts with a quip, a smirk. fucking girls in steve’s car, or anywhere else for that matter, isn’t going to be an issue, unless something pretty fundamental shifts in him.
steve continues, completely ignoring eddie, "you’ll wipe your feet. you're not dragging dirt all over my car. no hitchhikers. no cutesy road games. no smoking in the car. i'm not paying for all the gas."
"ass, gas or grass, got it," eddie says, like he's taking this very seriously. he is not taking this seriously.
or: road trip!
sleight of hand by smithereen (19/19 | 143k+ | Ex)
canon divergent post s2; alternating POV; internalized homophobia; slow burn
steve needs a weed dealer. he gets a bit more than that. (this is an AU set a couple months after the snow ball in season 2.)
if your heart surrenders by asbealthgn (39/39 | 163k+ | Ex)
canon divergent pre-s1; alternating POV; slow burn; secret relationship; angst w/ a happy ending
“that one’s on the house, okay?” eddie says, and steve opens his eyes to look back down at him. on his face is the slightest hint of concern, and something else steve can’t place.
he’s still holding his hand.
"thank you," steve says. he’s not sure exactly which thing he’s thanking eddie for, the weed or the hand in his or the lack of judgment at his fucked up head. he just knows that he’s grateful.
eddie gives him a smile, a gentle curve of those pretty lips. "anytime, harrington."
tuesday's gone with the wind by thisapplepielife / @thisapplepielife (9/9 | 184k+ | Ex)
alternate universe – no upside down; eddie POV; rock band; drug use; plane crash
corroded coffin's leased plane went down on june 13th, 1995 in the woods of louisiana.
ten people on board died.
eddie munson survived.
before he survived, he really lived.
sequels: wildflowers...and all the rest (15/15 | 151k+ | Ex)
gareth POV; original female character; one shots; growing old; slice of life
gossip by jcmadgirl (11/11 | 213k+ | Ex)
canon divergent eddie lives; steve POV; pre-canon; sexual assault; angst w/ a happy ending
steve's whole life story, told through multiple snapshots of the events that made him into the person that he is today.
or,
a rewriting of stranger things from steve's POV.
i never did believe in miracles (but i've a feeling it's time to try) by cuoredimuschio (26/26 | 215k+ | M)
canon divergent eddie lives; multiple POV; slow burn; mutual pining; getting together
eddie is beginning to think that, somewhere in the helter-skelter of surviving the upside down, being swarmed by possibly rabid but definitely rancid demobats, and charbroiling vecna’s slimy ass, he accidentally tripped through the wrong gate and landed in an alternate dimension. well, a different alternate dimension than the one he was already in.
because steve harrington is flirting with him.
vignettes of lost connections by hardlyhalcyon (halcyonfrost) (50/50 | 229k+ | Ex)
canon divergent pre-s1; alternating POV; secret relationship; angst w/ a happy ending
steve harrington and eddie munson had met long before dustin henderson dragged steve down to reefer rick's cabin. hawkins wasn't a huge town, and there was only the one high school, but the two were never friends. didn't even like each other. in all their darkest moments however, they somehow found company together.
or the one where Steve has depression, eddie becomes his safe space, and when eddie encounters battles he can't fight, steve reminds eddie of his own strength.
a pre-/peri-/post-s4 fic with steddie before s4 events, continuing through and after.
as the world falls down by daeneryske (36/36 | 245k+ | Ex)
canon divergent eddie lives; steve POV; bad harrington parents; period typical homophobia; angst w/ a happy ending
after saving eddie from the upside down, steve hides him at his house while the party concocts a plot to clear eddie's name. what steve doesn't expect is how much he likes hanging out with eddie as they get to know each other.
under the looming shadow of the mind flayer threatening to destroy hawkins, steve and eddie realize they're each grappling with their own darkness, from steve's father's impossible expectations to eddie's feelings of worthlessness.
their friendship develops into something more even as the party prepares to fight Vecna and his monsters one last time. steve must decide if he's ready to shrug off the rigid roles assigned to him and become his own person. eddie must learn to embrace what steve has been trying to show him every day since nearly dying: that he's worth saving.
nothing else matters by bigskyandthecoldgun (31/31 | 279k+ | Ex)
canon divergent post s2; steve POV; secret relationship; period typical attitudes; everybody lives
"you ask a lot of questions about me," steve tells him. "because you're interesting," munson says, quiet and honest. "you're a lot different than what i've heard."
steve hums, eyes closed. "yeah," he says, eyes fluttering open when munson takes the joint from him again, "you are, too."
or:
steve ditches the prom to get high.
the man that i could be by ohstars (26/26 | 325k+ | Ex)
canon divergent post s3; steve POV; secret relationship; period typical homophobia; angst w/ a happy ending
"steve harrington isn't straight. it's been a few weeks since he sat on that bathroom floor at starcourt with robin, where she shared her biggest secret with him and unintentionally unlocked an entirely new side of steve. since he’s had to come to terms with being open to exploring that side of him, but he's finally acknowledged that he's most likely, definitely, without a doubt into guys."
--
after coming to terms that he may be queer, steve harrington does a little exploration on his own and meets the one and only eddie munson. just as things are going well and accepted the fact he's falling for eddie in their own little bubble, steve's world is shaken by a tragedy he can't quite talk about. and when the dust settles and he's nearly ready to put the pieces back together, his worlds collide when he realizes his eddie is the same eddie playing D&D with the kids. the same eddie who's now wanted for murder thanks to another upside down monster. how will he save the day when he can barely focus watching his ex mingle with his monster fighting team?
series: the men we've become (4/4 | 45k+ | M)
future fics; alternating POVs; domestic living
since you've gone (i've been lost without a trace) by steddieeddie (7/7 | 300k+ | M)
canon divergent s4; multiple POV; comatose steve; grief; angst w/ a happy ending
may 31st 1986, two weeks until graduation. robin, eddie, and nancy are all set to walk across the stage, eddie being given a free pass after the whole ‘almost framed for murder’ thing. the three have been trying to be excited about their graduation, but it feels almost mundane to be excited when steve wouldn’t be there. they would be sat out on a football field in the blistering heat while waiting for their names to be called, with dustin and max in the crowd, cheering them on in steve's place. there would be fake smiles plastered to all their faces, no matter how realistic they tried to make them.
none of them have genuinely smiled since steve got vecna'd.
sixty-five days. steve had been in a coma for sixty-five days. the doctors keep telling the party that it doesn't look good, that steve's injures had been severe, and that they didn't know if, when, he would wake up.
but they refused to lose hope.
he'll wake up.
it's just a matter of time.
OR
five times steve harrington didn't wake up, and one time he did.
the most dangerous thing (is to love you) by brokebeatle (21/21 | 304k+ | Ex)
canon divergent eddie lives; alternating POV; shared trauma; slow burn; period typical homophobia
"i know you care about what those little twerps think of you, and i can assure you they think way too highly of you," eddie says with a wink, and steve gives a half-hearted smirk for just a moment. "but look…i know i can’t ask you to stop worrying about those kids, so how about this? you worry about them, and you let me—actually let me—worry about you."
steve pushes his hair back, and yet again, gravity instantly pulls it back down, since he’s looking at his feet. "…i don’t need anyone to worry about me."
"too fucking bad. someone’s gotta do it, and it’s gonna be me."
"why?" steve replies with a raspy laugh, shaking his head slowly.
"why? why." eddie crosses his arms tightly across his chest, knocking his foot into steve’s again with a bit more strength. "because we’re friends, dipshit."
—in which eddie's got a reason he's been planning on leaving hawkins since long before the world almost ended. the only thing keeping him in town at this point? his promise to be friends with steve harrington. and eddie doesn't break promises.
#stranger things#steddie#fic rec#steddie fic rec#reclist by cinematicnomad#reclist#steve harrington#eddie munson#i will probably continue to add to this post as time goes on#one of the benefits of a read more#but for now#these are all the fics i've read and loved
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sweet talking john price
minors - do not interact.
part 3 of the poly 141 x librarian!reader idea
please tell me how i have been hyperfixated on SO MANY video games i've actually played over the past couple of years, but only have the inspo to write for the MILITARY PROPAGANDA GAME i have never, ever played.
anyway, this goes out to the price fans. i fully intended to post my ghost stuff next but my girlfriend is a price girlie so! ghost up next!
pairings: john price x reader, poly 141 x reader
warnings: geez um lots of sweet talk and praise, john price is a lil treat boyf and no one can change my mind, reader probably maybe definitely beginning to fall in love, surely some COD canon/lore inaccuracies, reader is FAT and gender neutral, spanking, sex in front of a mirror, big boys smooching
"there's my favorite librarian."
you could recognize john price's voice anywhere. you'd only met him a few months ago, known him even less, and still you can recognize the familiar timber and tones of his deep, rumbling accent. it's comforting. it drives you mad. you blush slightly as you turn around to face him and he's quick to cover your rosy cheeks with his lips in a chaste kiss.
"how's your day going, lovely?"
you try to say good and shrug it off, but john stares at you wordlessly before you continue, going into detail about your mundane workday. your activities were never exciting or noteworthy, but john always listened earnestly. he made a point to visit you during your shifts, bringing your favorite treats and occupying the time between patrons. though he never claimed to be volunteering like gaz, john would follow you around the library for hours, helping you with tasks and listening to you ramble about call numbers and bestsellers. he didn't speak about himself too often, especially not his military experience, but when the library was especially slow he would indulge you in a few vague peeks behind the curtain.
his middle name is michael. he grew up in england in the 70s and doesn't care too much for football. he likes his steak medium and his coffee with just one sugar. he has trouble hearing out of his right ear, but won't tell you about the mission that caused it. he's reluctant to get another dog, despite soap's pleading. his boyfriends are his world and it shows in not just his words, but his actions. most evenings, he enjoys a cigar and glass of scotch on the porch of their house out in the country. the past few weeks, that ritual has included you, sandwiched in between the four of them on the porch swing.
it's comforting. it drives you mad.
they're beautiful together. a complete unit. and they've worked so hard to integrate you into their family that you don't even have to wonder where you fit in. your place is right there, with them, because they make the space for you.
"pretty as a picture," price says one evening, the last to join the group on the porch swing. he even takes a moment to pull out his weathered and ancient cell phone to snap a photo of all of you. when he turns it around to show you, you blush at how happy you look. your smile is wide and unafraid, like you've never been hurt in your life. ghost's large arm wraps around soap, his palm settling on your shoulder. gaz turned just in time to press his lips to your temple, his hand already exploring the expanse of your bare thigh.
they like you in as little as possible and got lucky that your summer wardrobe mostly consisted of short shorts and barely there crop tops. you would catch them staring from across a room or field, eyeing the way your dimpled thighs jiggle with each step.
sometimes they can't just watch. and when john price gets the urge to fuck you, he fucks you. he could be elbow deep in fertilizer and compost, setting up the garden you offhandedly mentioned desiring, and he would drop everything to slide between your thighs. he gives just as good as he takes and more often than not you find yourself wearing your skimpiest clothes out to the 141 haven to trigger a reaction. the more john is exposed to your naked form, the more feral he goes for you.
"you were made for me, so soft," john growls against your ear before he's pushing at your shoulders, bending you forward and presenting your ass to him. "been thinking about you all day, love. take those shorts off for me, why don't you?"
no matter how fast you can wiggle and squirm, it isn't quick enough for price. you know he's going to spank you before it even happens.
"love the way your fat arse moves." he grabs next, his entire palm claiming an ass cheek, fingertips digging into the flesh. you hope they bruise.
"john, please--"
"please what, love?" you don't need to see him to hear the grin in his gravelly tone. he spanks you again before you can answer, quick to massage the skin and dissipate the sting -- or prolong it, you're never sure. "if you want my cock you'll have to ask nicer than that."
you push out a half-hearted, whining, "please." you like to test him every now and again.
he laughs, slapping your ass so hard it pushes a moan from your lips. his free hand finds the hair at the nape of your neck, tugging back harshly until you can almost make out his face in your periphery. "mind your manners this time, pretty."
"please fuck me john. i need your cock." the words come out in a jumble, hardly passing for separate syllables. you come twice before he finally complies -- and then you're well and truly fucked.
later, when you're assessing the damage in the full length mirror nestled between the door of john's room and his closet, you count at least five fresh bruises on your ass cheeks. when john enters the room and sees you counting, pressing your smaller fingertips into each mark, he takes you again right in front of the mirror. he gropes your curves, worships your body through gritted teeth. your legs spread the entire time, exposing where he enters you. the others watch, enraptured, and you're able to see them kissing and pawing at each other in the reflection.
it's comforting. it drives you mad.
#poly 141 x reader#taskforce 141 x reader#tf 141 x reader#john price x reader#plus size reader#fat reader#poly 141 au#141 x reader#literally do not look at me
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I was talking to my spouse about the "Jason Lives" what-if comic they're planning and now I can't stop thinking about it. Unfortunately *I* do not know much of anything about the Jason Robin era and the general state of everything in universe at that time. Because if you assume most of the events of Death in the Family still happen, it's only Jason living at the end that really changes, you still have to grapple with him being pretty injured in a rather similar way to Dick's final injury as Robin.
And that raises the question, how does Bruce handle it? Does he fire Jason like he fired Dick? And if he does, how does Jason handle that. So much of Dick's journey to Nightwing (post-crisis, I'm really only pulling is only possible because of the support system he has, the people he can lean on, and the places he can stay.
(We're only going to stick with Post-Crisis continuity here, I'm trying to think of it more as a what-if scenario than like a fic.)
But I don't think Jason really has that? Dick has the Titans, he stays with Clark for a bit in the immediate aftermath, who does Jason have? Dick? He's off planet at the time, and not back for a couple weeks, a couple months (ngl, I tried to find a timeline that made sense, needless to say, it's comics, I couldn't.)
Also, he's 15 at the time compared to Dick's 17. It's significantly easier for Dick with both those extra years and the support he has to move out become a solo vigilante. Jason is 15, still in high school, and while maybe not a super public figure definitely public enough questions would be raised if he just left. Granted some of that could be solved with Bruce just saying boarding school, but while Bruce isn't always the most conscious of what is acceptable for children/teens, I have to think even he wouldn't let Jason just live on his own at that age, so moving out more permanently like Dick did is off the table at least for a little bit.
It also brings up the problem of "Batman needs a Robin" and Tim's motivation to join the cause. Does Bruce go as off the rails without a Robin if Robin is at least still alive? Tim knows their identities, it's how he knew for sure it was Robin's death that caused it. Would he pester Jason about returning to Robin, or go to Dick because well it's Dick?
And would Jason even want to continue being a hero? Would he be as upset as Dick and go around Bruce to make a name for himself? What would a never killed Jason "adult" vigilante even look like?
I'd love to talk about this more, especially with someone a bit better versed in Jason!Robin, my reading project is focused more on the 90's to flashpoint atm, so I really am not familiar with him at all.
#jason todd#bruce wayne#batman#dick grayson#a death in the family#red hood#batfamily#bats birds and other related trauma#the number of tabs i had open while trying to piece this together was obscene#i hope this makes sense i struggle with articulating my thoughts and tend to ramble a lot
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What do you think of this? Seems legit and speaks to how hard they have to work to poison us.
___
FOLLOW UP To My Chemically Injected Watermelons Are Hitting American Grocery Stores This Summer Post Today
Dr. Robert Debease purchased a normal watermelon and a new chemically injected watermelon to show you the difference
The chemical used affects your brain & hormones
“Chemically injected watermelons in our marketplace, here's how you identify it:
I'm cutting open this watermelon here. And as you can see, when I pat the flesh, it looks pretty red.
Now here's an entirely different watermelon, and look what happens when I pat the flesh.
Look at the difference between these 2. (See video for clear comparison)
The one with the dark red has definitely been treated with or injected. Even worse injected with a chemical called Erythrosine.
Erythrosine makes watermelons look redder, but here's the big issue. Erythracene is a gut toxin that is made from petroleum that could damage your microbiome and it's a bioaccumulator.
Meaning, it can be stored in the fatty tissues of the body.
It can affect a person's brain and possibly even their hormones and make them sick over time.
And the worst part is you and your family have probably been eating erythrazine for years because it's found in just about everything:
Like breakfast cereals, watch out kids, dairy products, frozen foods, juice drinks. Again, we have to watch out for our kids and so much more.”
h/t @WallStreetApes
https://x.com/wallstreetapes/status/1794940175522615793?s=46
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HotD Take: the Targ Men and the Women who try to control them in this Society
Seeing all the promos and the trailers for HotD season 2, I have this prediction that the Targaryen men this season are going to be increasingly difficult to control, especially when the women try and keep them in line.
Now there are a lot of factors that would go into that mentality in this world so strap in and hear me out.
Also spoilers from the Fire and Blood novel.
So, as I've pointed out repeatedly in my other takes, the World of Ice and Fire- or Westeros anyway- is a patriarchal society. So the sexist idea that men are naturally superior to women is ingrained in our characters in some form or fashion.
And the Targ men- be they Team Black or Team Green- are no exception to this societal influence.
Daemon for example, while the guy has a tendency to eschew Westerosi values in favor of his ancestral Valyrian traditions- something that definitely borders along the lines of Targaryen Exceptionalism- he was likely still influenced by Westerosi society on some level. When his brother Viserys ascended the Iron Throne, and having no male heirs, Daemon was seen as Heir Apparent, and there was this expectation Daemon would sit the throne next if Viserys failed to produce any sons....
That's why OTTO of all people- in the book anyway- suggested Viserys name Rhaenyra heir after the death of Queen Aemma (temporarily anyway with the expectation that Viserys would remarry and work on producing sons) because he was scared of the possibility of Daemon being king and becoming a second Maegor the Cruel.
So when Daemon was officially disinherited the guy didn't exactly take it well. Whatever his feelings are for his niece, I have to imagine the idea that he was replaced by a young girl probably felt emasculating.
Speaking of Daemon feeling emasculated in this society, I would recommend reading this post on tumblr who goes more into detail in how this heavily influenced his attitude and contempt for his first wife Rhea Royce (basically it discusses how Daemon was in the prime of his life in this point in time and he was basically married off to the Lady of Runestone in a similar way a highborn lady would be sent off to marry some Lord in a distant land like a broodmare).
Taking what we do know of Westerosi patriarchal values, I have this feeling that even though he married Rhaenyra and loves her with all his heart, I think the idea of having to bend the knee to her- the idea that she will outrank him as Queen of the Iron Throne and him her consort- doesn't sit well with him on a subconscious level.
The fact in Episode 10, when Daemon was ordering people out and about to prepare for war with the Greens, only for those orders to be overridden by Rhaenyra THE Queen, I'm pretty sure he felt that to be emasculating.
(I'm actually wondering if actor Matt Smith is channeling some of his Prince Phillip persona from The Crown into Daemon in this regard).
I also do want to point out that Daemon sees much of his brother in Rhaenyra at that moment- he sees Viserys' weakness and passivity- when she refuses to take the initiative and put the Greens in their place before the conflict escalates any further.
This, along with the fact that he realized that Viserys never saw Daemon as a true heir, factors into the way he lashed out and choked Rhaenyra.
(There are people in this fandom that have headcannoned that this isn't the first time Daemon has displayed this type of violent behavior towards Rhaenyra...given the age gap as well as the uncle/niece relationship and those inherit power dynamics AND Daemon's volatile unpredictability I wouldn't exactly be surprised if that was the case).
I predict as the Dance of Dragons begins Daemon is going to be more and more difficult to keep in line, especially by Rhaenyra (actually I feel this will be especially the case leading up to Blood and Cheese). Rhaenyra may be queen, but Daemon will make it known to their supporters that HE is the king.
Meanwhile on the Team Green side, the Hightowers, as I've mentioned in an earlier post- being the lords of Oldtown, the seat of the Faith of the Seven- they're the most heavily invested in Westeros' patriarchal values.
Not just the men, but the women as well.
As much as I have sympathy for Alicent, the way she's been victimized by this society, the way she was married off to the king at a young age (without getting so much as a say-so), having to perform her wifely duties and produce children at a young age too, she has also perpetuated many of those patriarchal values.
NUANCE. IS. A. THING. TWO things can be RIGHT at THE SAME TIME!!
When her father was sent away, Alicent took it upon herself to instill in her oldest son Aegon that he will be king after his father since that is what the people will expect.
Aegon will be king because he is a man and male heirs will always supersede any women claimants.
She instilled this into Aegon as well as her golden child Aemond (I don't exactly know how much of this she would have instilled into Helaena but since Alicent had her married off to Aegon I think there is a possibility she's made allusions to Helaena that her brother husband will be king and their children will be next in line for the throne).
Alicent also goes out of her way to cover up for Aegon when he does uh...certain things that would definitely look bad if brought to the light.
That incident with Dyana ring a bell to anyone?
To Alicent's credit she does assure the poor girl that she believes her story and gave her the means to escape her abuser and also giving her the Westeros version of Plan B to prevent any unwanted pregnancies, but at the same time Alicent basically made it known to Dyana that no one else would believe her if she told, that she would be branded a slut who intentionally tried to seduce Aegon since they were alone and that she is trying to destroy his reputation.
This doesn't change the fact that Alicent IS COVERING UP AND ENABLING HER SON because a man's reputation is more important than the person he caused harm to...but I digress.
Alicent certainly has a complicated relationship with Aegon, but she seems pretty close with Aemond. Along with her, Otto, and Criston, Aemond's father figure, the way these three have embraced many of the chauvinistic attitudes pervasive in Westeros (Criston may be a disgraced knight who broke his oath but he still takes the other parts of his oath and his knight training seriously which includes protecting women and children), I'm fairly certain Aemond has absorbed many of those ideas as well.
With Aemond actually, when he was sent to go find Aegon, Aemond made an allusion to Criston that he is next in line as a second son and if Aegon wasn't found in time, then Aemond would be waiting to take the mantle as king (and yes, I'm aware that Aegon has sons of his own, and I did write a post discussing that, link is HERE if you want to read that).
I also bring this up in part to bits of the last HotD season 2 trailer where we see Alicent try to reason with her sons, especially Aemond, but it doesn't look like she's getting to him:
Aemond: Would you not have us prevail?
Alicent: NOT like this!!
This tumblr post actually points out that when Aemond feels his mother has become TOO emotional to make any decisions on her own because she has become 'blinded' by her love for Rhaenyra (Alicent is definitely NOT a repressed lesbian...not AT ALL...she said sarcastically), which makes her a fool; therefore, he needs to take charge.
Alicent reinforces the patriarchal values to her sons- which I predict will yield some unintended consequences on her part- yet at the same time she tries to do what she can to keep them in line, even more so in Episode 9 when she was insistent that Aegon spare his sister and reject his grandfathers counsel to do otherwise.
Alicent, honey....you just gave your son the crown, the throne, and the absolute power that comes with it...what makes you think he's going to listen to you after that?
As the much beloved GoT fan favorite Tyrion Lannister said to his sweet sister Cersei when she came to realize she couldn't control her king son despite being Queen Regent:
"It's hard to put a leash on a dog once you've put a crown on its head."
-Tyrion Lannister
I get the impression that will be a similar case with Aegon once he gets more and more used to his power as king.
I predict he'll begin to ignore his mother in favor of doing what he wants (I'm also predicting that when Aegon had his grandfather dismissed as Hand of the King, Alicent will probably urge to reconsider this decision, but he'll just laugh and say no).
One thing that resonates with me from all this was what Rhaenys said to Alicent in Episode 9 when Alicent tried to persuade Rhaenys to renounce the Velaryon's support of Rhaenyra in favor of Aegon. Alicent brings up that women don't rule the realm but they can do their best to guide the men who, gently away from acts of violence. Rhaenys had this to say in response:
"...yet you toil in service to men. Your father, your husband, your son. You desire not to be free, but to make a window in the wall of your prison. Have you never imagined yourself on the Iron Throne?" -Rhaenys Targaryen
This is actually a pretty powerful quote, in my opinion, because I feel it basically sums up Alicent's life up until now. She was a young girl who has only done all that was expected of her. She married the king, had his children, raised those same children, all in the name of a higher purpose, and all at her father's behest.
Yet it never did once occur to Alicent the possibility that she could've sat the Throne.
(now thinking back to Episode 8, it was Otto who sat the throne for the Driftmark petition...Alicent NEVER took that opportunity not even once).
It never occurred to Alicent that a woman could have power, despite being a woman herself.
And here she is trying to guide the men in her life, the same men who were either influenced by Westeros' societal values, and she herself had reinforced those same values, and she is reaping the consequences from all that, and will probably continue to reap them in the next season.
And I think on some level Alicent understands this, that is how her life ended up because all she ever did was do as she was told, at least that seems to be the case when she confronted her father in Episode 9 prior to Aegon's coronation:
youtube
But I think at this point, Alicent feels that it's too late to change anything, this is the way things are, and she needs to keep reinforcing it (it is kinda difficult to change course on your beliefs even after having the epiphany she had, old habits die hard after all).
I bring all this up to showcase how this society influences our characters, it influences how they were raised especially in the confines of Westeros' upper class gender roles and it will influence how our beloved Targ men will end up doing as they will and no one will be there to control them and put them in their place, especially if it's the women around them who try to keep them in line.
I'm fairly certain this will go along the ways of how we see Blood and Cheese play out as well as the Dance of Dragons.
So I've said what I wanted to say, and hopefully this will be the last I talk things HotD related before the season premier (Not including my HotD/Witcher crossover updates of course).
So we're good? Good!
TO WAR THEN!
#hotd#house of the dragon#hotd season 2#aegon ii#rhaenyra targaryen#rhaenys targaryen#alicent hightower#rhaenicent#queen rhaenyra#daemon targeryan#aemond targaryen#otto hightower#dance of the dragons#the suspense is killing me
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Gonna write a longer post about this when I have more time, but I just need to put this out there: I love my Rick and Morty Tumblr mutuals/people I interact with regularly so much. ❤️
I am not joking or exaggerating when I say I didn't know it was possible to be this active in a fandom and also this happy. I've only really been active in the fandom for the past 6 months, and it's been SUCH an overwhelmingly positive experience.
I've been meaning to make a post like this for a while, but two recent things really drove home how much I appreciate you folks: First, I had A Week That Felt Like a Year of Sailor Moon Twitter making me miss being 12 & not knowing anyone else who watches the show. Then, yesterday I opened Tumblr to be greeted by a post that brought up one of the reasons why, after 20+ years, Cowboy Bebop is still my number 1 "I love this show and it means so much to me, but this fandom frequently makes me want to hit my head on walls" series.
Obviously I know there's no shortage of issues in this fandom, too. I mean, there's typically an assortment of them on display in the comments of any post on the official RaM accounts. 😅 And I'm not saying I haven't met some really nice, cool people in my fandoms I've been in forever - I definitely have!!!!!
But this feeling of... Community? Home? This is new territory for me. And it took me longer than it should have to get here, but I'm so glad I did.
I have already rambled longer than I intended to, so now I'm going to attempt to wrap this up by tagging some of the folks who inspired this post.
@rickteacakes @thesoftboiledegg @hazelnut-u-out @dimensionduo @ajaynetic @fandomwe1rd0 @joycew-blog
#rambling#my thoughts#text post#yes this is the SHORT version of this post#the one with LESS crying#at some point there's going to be a longer more detailed version of this#rick and morty fandom#references to drama in other fandoms#is this anything#i'm taking “being emotional about the funny pickle man show” to new levels over here#but the short time I've been active in this fandom has been so special#i will probably tag more people in this later#but if anyone wants to be un-tagged please just let me know#i love being in this fandom with you folks#and the fact that we're finding each other on twitter & insta now is great too!
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My human Dan design! Plus some ghost Dan to practice drawing him.
I'll explain more in depth below the cut for those who are curious, but the basic ideas for why he looks this way is that his human half is a mix of Danny and Dan(with a small sprinkle of Vlad). It was supposed to eventually match his ghost form more, but things had to be cut short on that path so he got kinda stuck with a middle of the road body(he's roughly late teens).
I'm desperate for him to not look exactly like Danny, but I also had this funny idea that he would somehow end up attending Casper High after he is decently redeemed(so his human body had to be younger than his ghost form). Like just imagine the interactions. Dan would *definitely* get revenge on Dash lol
More detailed explanation:
The clone Dan was stuck in was pretty much constantly destabilizing post AGIT. This was due to the imperfect nature of them, Dan's high power, and the physical difference between the two forms. Vlad and Danny kept it from totally falling apart by using the ecto-dejecto. They had to use it *a lot* though.
Vlad tweaked the clone to be able to be shaped by Dan's ghost(to fix the incongruence of the bodies, and to possibly make it so the body could handle Dan's power better). This is what led to the mixing of Dan and Danny; the body was going from Danny to Dan in terms of appearance. It was taking some time though and they were definitely going to run out of the ecto-dejecto, *especially* since Dani also needs it(I like to think that the ecto-dejecto wasn't a permanent fix, so she has to use it on occasion. There's also no way Danny would give a mid-morph sample at this point cause he and Dani are still pretty distrustful of Vlad.)
Since Jack had originally made the ecto-dejecto Vlad could not figure out how tf to replicate it. Jack had also forgotten how he made it because, I mean, it’s Jack(nevermind that he wouldn’t even have a reason to remember how to make something that’d help ghosts/was a failed version of an experiment)
Vlad then developed a way to convert the ectoplasmic nature of the clones to good ol’ human meat(aka permanent stabilization for Dan). Vlad ended up having to do that to Dan before his human form could completely match his ghost form, hence the mix and being physically younger than his ghost form(a note: the bodies not matching remains a problem, but not a crippling/kill him kind of one. Dan is usually in pain after going ghost, especially if he used his powers a lot, but it fades relatively fast. Additionally, he(unrelated to body stuff) cannot be ghostly for too long because the ghost half will destabilize(not goopy, time/reality)).
I also had this idea that the ghost catcher could be used to permanently fuse Dan's ghost to the human body. I doubt he's fused with the clone body in AGIT, and this would continue to be a problem with my idea; Dan is basically just puppeting/overshadowing the bodies. The catcher has a merge side, sooooo
Finally, some design stuff(and a bit about him going to Casper). As mentioned Dan looks younger, which means he is capable of attending Casper High, and he does so because he never actually finished school(and he would be able to stalk/keep an eye on Danny and the others better. By this point he no longer wants to kill them, and is instead paranoid about the possibility of them dying, so yup, stalking). He'd be put in the same grade as Jazz so they could hang out and what not.
Vlad is also glad to have any time away from Dan because they fight a lot lol
But once at Casper due to his Vlad half he plays football(Vlad fusion aside, it’s a sport where he can be violent w/o problem). Dan got a letterman jacket from that, but he still hates the popular kids so he had Sam dye it black.
The hair streak is also from Vlad, but Dan's hair style is just his ghost form's minus the whole fire thing.
His clothing style is a mix of Vlad and Danny’s(except the jacket). Shirt is from Danny, pants from Vlad, then sneakers + dress shoes = boots.
Finally, it’s a bit subtle but he has heterochromia; one eye is Danny's color, the other Vlad’s.
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Hmm ok, question: So I've definitely fallen into the Fallout frenzy and even went and got the game after watching the show. Now I kinda wanna do some fun fan doodles of the show/game, but I know people mostly follow this blog for POTO/ Ugly Club/ Literature content. So my question is, would people be ok if I post Fallout fanart here or shall I purge my new hyperfixation on a different blog until I'm ready to circle back to POTO/Ugly Club stuff again?
#compulsive people pleaser#Is this annoying?#phana-banana#I know I keep disappearing and reappearing#That's just my life rn
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So saddle up kids, because @holyguardian and I screamed back and forth and she dug up a few thoughts I already had but pointed out all these nice connections, so now I HAVE to make a post about this theory. It is probably just my copium, but ya'll can't stop me. You can thank Muddy for this. She shoved my brain on every aspect.
Of course spoilers for Remake, Rebirth and Ever Crisis FS ahead.
Glenn Lodbrok is still alive theory
"Glenn Lodbrok" in Final Fantasy VII Rebirth
Okay. First things first. The man seen as "Glenn Lodbrok" in Final Fantasy VII Rebirth definitely is NOT the real Glenn Lodbrok. In no way or form. It just is a black robed man that Sephiroth puppeteered to take on the appearance of Glenn. His behaviour, his speech patterns, his apparent goals, nothing fits the real Glenn Lodbrok.
Even his appearance is off.
The black robed version looks extremely gaunt. Glenn in general has a large frame and muscular built. Here his cheeks are visibly sunken in, his hair is unruly and uncut, as is his beard, which is also way longer (and more prominent above his lips) than when he supposedly was last alive.
The SRC Situation/Where was Glenn last
His last goal in the world was to establish the Shinra Resistance Committee, especially in Wutai and lead it against Shinra. They took over the Wutain government and installed an interim-government. According to Yuffie it is supposed to only last until the war is over and they can have independence from Shinra; then tthe Wutain people can decide what kind of government they truly want next.
The SRC does loosely associate with AVALANCHE, but they are two different factions, with the SRC seemingly using more political and Wutai-based moves, while some splinter groups of AVALANCHE go down more extreme routes closer to Midgar/within Midgar.
Glenn wasn't alone, but with Matt and Lucia in the SRC at this time.
It is notable that in Rebirth in the side-mission "Protorelic 4" in Cosmo Canyon Matt and Lucia are name-dropped:
So they are confirmed to still be alive at the point where the Shinra HQ was stormed by AVALANCHE in Remake. Now suddenly as leaders of AVALANCHE troops for the HQ in Midgar. So something must have happened between them being in Wutai as interim-government members for the SRC and now suddenly active in AVALANCHE.
Alteration with Rufus
The alteration that happened, where Rufus shot Glenn probably all cooks down to that Glenn either:
- discovered that Viceroy Sarruf is actually Rufus Shinra
- or he knew all along that Sarruf = Rufus, but had an argument with him, because he found out that Rufus was not at all interested in a peaceful solution and letting Wutai be a free state from Shinra
It is more likely that it is the second option, since in Ever Crisis Chapter 8 Glenn mentions that "he has friends in high places" and gets his intel through them. He possibly is hinting at this being Rufus. Plus Rufus in Rebirth seems to allow "Glenn" around, as if he knows him.
He probably threatened Rufus, either with revealing his identity or with cutting him off from the SRC. It had to be something that enraged/threatened Rufus enough to shoot Glenn in the back cowardly, when he turned away.
Then it gets muddy.
Rufus clearly is surprised seeing "Glenn" again in Junon, stating that he thought he was dead. It is a "thought" and nothing more certain. Indicating that Rufus had not checked upon Glenn really being dead. [Also the wikia indicates he was "left for dead", the wikia is not the most reliable though]
So there is a possibility that Glenn survived this. Possibly being rescued by his friends Lucia and Matt. They aren't shown to be present at the attack (maybe just out of frame?). But they could have been led there by:
- Refu: the dog formerly belonging to Rosen, he already proved to be loyal to its owner and 'call' others attention to when his owner was in trouble and needed help; he did so for Rosen
- Sephiroth: the man was friends with Glenn, even in the Wutai war. Glenn gave him intel to rescue other soldiers and Sephiroth would likely have done the same for him in return. It is strange that Sephiroth seems to exactly know how Glenn was shot in the back, he uses the phrase "In the back, just like good old times." when Rufus tries to kill "Glenn" a second time at the end of Rebirth. So either Sephiroth witnessed it, saw Glenn afterwards or heard about it. Sephiroth is shown to still be conflicted back in EC FS, being loyal to Shinra in a way or seeing himself forced into that role. If we mirror Glenn's "You know I can't help openly, that is why you have to do it", that could work with Sephiroth directing Matt and Lucia to Glenn for help. He is Shinra, he can't outright act against Rufus then, but he can see to get sufficient help.
Anyway, Lucia and Matt could have rescued Glenn and brought him to safety but turned their back on the SRC or fled the area due to there clearly being dangerous traitors at work within the SRC. That is how they could have ended up with AVALANCHE HQ, finding refuge there.
Where Glenn could be during Remake/Rebirth times
So why are just the two of them mentioned as leaders for AVALANCHE?
Either Glenn simply is not part of that particular mission, SE didn't want us to know, he didn't want to work for AVALANCHE or he isn't able to help yet.
Last option could be likely due to the severe injury he apparently got from Rufus' bullet. When he is shot we actually see a lot of blood (the most shown in FF VII so far) splattering from relatively high up. Almost looks like the back of his head, though at least Sephiroth masquerading as Glenn claimed it was a shot in the back.
If Rufus hit his spine that high up, it could mean he needs a longer time to recover, if at all, even in magical Final Fantasy healing logics. Also explains, why Glenn did not fight back (if we consider the same FF logic in which several characters already got shot or stabbed worse and still were able to get up and fight back).
He could be bedridden or even in a coma for now. And you know what happens to people who are that immobile for a longer time? They lose muscle mass and of course don't shave their beard as often or get regular haircuts.
So the gaunt and dishevelled appearance the black robed takes on as "Glenn" could actually BE how Glenn looks currently. Jenova's/Sephiroth's abilities to shapeshift can't be that shoddy, so maybe this is actually the most current version of Glenn, who is hidden away somewhere in an AVALANCHE HQ.
And as Muddy so nicely pointed out: you know whom Glenn, a man who is wearing a long black raincoat (not to be confused with the black robes!) would contrast when sitting in a wheelchair by then? Rufus Shinra years later, a man in long white coats, in a wheelchair, when he suffers from Geostigma. We love some nice paralells, even if this now is probably beyond SE's scope of aesthetics.
#Glenn Lodbrok#Lucia Lin#Matt Winsord#Rufus Shinra#Sephiroth#Final Fantasy VII#long post#tw long post#.headcanon#at least possible#let me have this#have to cope somehow with this all#ff 7 rebirth spoilers#ever crisis spoilers
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You should write some hcs or something about living alone with Abby, sorta cannon but not if you get what I mean? On a farm or in a home :3
Living With Abby Hcs
Cw: smut under the warning fluff otherwise 🩷 :p(ignore spelling errors if any (request open)
‿︵‿୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ -୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵ ‿୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ -୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ ‿ ‿︵‿୨˚̣̣̣͙୧
🩷 Mornings with Abby are always special. She loves waking up early to make you breakfast, bringing you coffee in bed, and sharing quiet moments together before the day starts. She enjoys the simplicity of starting the day with you by her side. However, she always forgets to wash the dishes after breakfast and will in fact leave them in the sink all day💀 she’s super sorry about it but forgets every time 😭
🩷 Abby loves surprising you with impromptu date nights. Whether it’s a homemade candlelit dinner or a spontaneous drive to a scenic spot (with a super cute picnic ahhhhh) she’d definitely wanna keep you entertained and happy :( and can you imagine her coming back from patrol and instantly wanting to take you to some nice patch of grass she found not far out because she’s missed you and wants to have as many nice moments as possible
🩷 Abby coming back from a patrol with trinkets and gifts because she missed you and couldn’t stop thinking about you. She’d come back with jewelry, glasses, charms, stuffed animal, music, etc just to see you smile
🩷 Living together means celebrating holidays ^_^ Whether it’s decorating the house, cooking special meals, or exchanging heartfelt gifts, she’s so ready to go all out. Imagine decorating a ginger bread house with her and she makes a little you and her out of ginger bread😭 she’d be so excited to show you too(shit would be funny af if ur shorter than her lmfao- a lil ginger bread dude next to a really fucking tall one 💀)
🩷Abby fixing anything and everything that’s broken in the house or not up to par with what she thinks you deserve. The oven isn’t working properly? dw she’ll figure it out- oh the door handle broke again she’s right on it- she’d fuck it up and make it worse and then proceed to actually read a manual(she totally knows what she’s doing😐) THEN fix it but she loves you so it’s fine
Warning nsfw
‿︵‿୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ -୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵ ‿୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ -୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ ‿ ‿︵‿୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ ︵‿୨˚̣̣̣͙୧
🧁 GAH sleepy morning sex with her would be sooo sweet❤️ she’d mumble out little “come on baby”s and hushes while she pushes her fingers into you slowly, listening to you beg for more half asleep. Her hands would be ALLLLL over your thighs afterwards squishing them softly, kissing up and down your neck before falling back asleep :(
🧁Abby has a bad (good-)habit of turning ordinary moments into something much more heated than they need to be😭. While you're cooking together, she can't resist coming up behind you, pressing her body against yours. Her hands slide under your shirt, caressing your stomach and breasts, her lips finding your ear as she whispers little moans into your ears. Before you know it, she has you bent over the kitchen counter, pounding into like shes scared she’ll never get to fuck you again. Girl is DESPERATE to make you happy(cum)
🧁After a particularly stressful patrol, when Abby needs to release all that pent-up tension she’ll take you against the nearest wall, counter, door, shit she’d settle for the floor- her hands gripping your hips tightly as she moves against you. Begging for you to scream her name louder because there’s not a single person for miles and even if there hypothetically were she’d want them to know how good and how deep she’s fucking you anyway.
🧁speaking of stressful patrols and my prior post(god her with a oral fixation) being in the bath with her to calm down after a long day and she sucks on your tits and plays with them with a thigh between your legs. When she gets bored of that she’ll drain the bath water and eat you out, sucking softly while forcing you open despite the overstim and multiple orgasms.
🧁cleaning you up after because you’re painfully exhausted (in a good way) she makes it her priority to have you comfy and close to her before you pass tf out because she still has you fucked up and unable to walk hours later 😭
‿︵‿୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ -୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿︵‿︵ ‿୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ -୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ ‿ ‿︵‿୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ ︵‿୨˚̣̣̣͙୧
OH THIS IS SO CUTE(the first part not the part where my ovulation is speaking for me-)
(I really appreciate requests- writing is helping with my anxiety rn- short and sweet as always ;D)
#‿୨˚̣̣̣͙୧ Evelynsinbox୨˚̣̣̣͙୧‿#ellie williams x reader#ellie williams x#abby anderson x reader#abby x reader#abby anderson#abby anderson x rea#ellie williams
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akechi and manipulation
i'm very close to finishing p5r (my first time playing any persona game) but haven't actually finished it yet so take this post lightly and if i get anything wrong pls don't send me death threats
although i would definitely prefer if akechi were alive, i think death is a very satisfying conclusion to his main arc when 3rd semester is taken into account
from what i've concluded, akechi's main arc is about manipulation. not only the manipulation he faced from shido, but also the god of control and joker, as well as his own manipulation of various events and peoples. now, if we don't acknowledge 3rd semester, then yes i do believe his death was a badly written ending for him narrative wise.
but when joker, his rival, his friend, his foil, is given the chance to manipulate akechi's life, he doesn't. his wish is for akechi to be alive, yet he still respect's Akechi's Wish of gaining autonomy of his life, even if that means letting him go. loki evolves after joker makes this decision, which i think is supposed to show akechi's trust in him, as the first and last person who didn't manipulate his life, especially when it was handed to him on a silver platter
akechi chose the peace of death for himself when he could have very easily given into maruki's distorted reality, which is what solidifies my belief that manipulation is the main theme of akechi's character, in my opinion of course. him breaking free from someone else's manipulation, being able to decide for himself his life for the first and last right before his death is a very beautiful ending for him to me
and of course how could i not acknowledge the fact that he desires to play chess with joker after school. he just wants to be a regular teenager, hanging out with friends after school. but the only way he would be able to have that is if he let himself be a puppet once more, for maruki this time, to willingly let himself be manipulated when the golden opportunity to turn his life's purpose around is right in front of him
i have rambled for far too long i love akechi and his narrative and what he represents and i get so so sad when i think about the possibility of someone refusing to understand the nuances and complexities of him in favor of just blindly hating T_T i have more i brainrot about about akechi like his various masks, his bruised heart, his relation to joker and the PTs in general, but i'll save that thinking for when i actually finish playing the game LOL
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I LUV IT
Hi babies and dear Anons 👋🏼, me again 🙃. I posted a new Q&A yesterday, and @camrensrealbish (btw hi, bud 👋🏼😄) asked me in the comments if I could create a post just for I LUV IT's two analyses.
@camrensrealbish: “Hi Faby, I love the interpretation of I LUV IT. I luv it, I luv it, I luv it 👌😅. I think it explains so well that this era is not surface-level at all. That thought through lyricism and symbolism is definitely still here. And how we’re so eager to dismiss hyperpop as stupid and without substance, be it for our convictions about femininity or sexuality, or even caution because of how other people use women’s sexuality. But when done purposefully it just shows how showing someone’s sexuality in this way *can* be empowering and authentic. And I think this is the case here. Can you please post your song commentary in a separate post, please? I would like to share it properly 😘”.
I originally wanted to post the two analyses as I did here now, but I couldn't because Tumblr has limited the possibility of posting more than 30 pics and I don't know why the fuck 😤. So thank you, dear 🤗. You gave me the excuse to be able to do it 😉.
Enjoy 😊.
Hiii to you too, dear Anon 👋🏼😄. I hope you're good too and about your ask, sure 😉.
So. I LUV IT ft. Playboi Carti released on March 27, 2024, is the first single for her fourth LP: C, XOXO. It's a hyperpop/experimental pop song and it samples Lemonade by Gucci Mane and interpolates Cockiness (Love It) by my queen RiRi (Rihanna). The studio recording with Carti was completed on Dec 17, 2023: (Carti's instastory)
Let me tell you something, this song was meant to shock. She pulled a Yes, and? and it worked 😎. For those of you who don't know what I'm referring to by that, I meant that Yes, and? was Ariana Grande's single for her album Eternal Sunshine and it's a diva house/dance-pop song, which was a different and unexpected genre especially then comparing it to the rest of the songs in the album when it was later released. It's a great song, but if it weren't for the concept that connects to two other songs, it would have nothing to do with the rest of the album musically and sonically speaking. It was a calculated idea to make it different from the rest. It's very smart and it's a good strategy for both a comeback and an album. I feel like I LUV IT is exactly the same thing. An impactful comeback was needed and this, together with the platinum blonde and the new era in general, served the purpose. The song was meant to be talked about for better or for worse. And guess what? Mission accomplished 😜.
This song is not for everyone. There are those who loved it right away, those who hated it and still do, and there are those who hated it and then slowly loved it. In reality, most people hated it and then loved it 🤣. I personally didn't hate it but I didn't love it right from the start either, not gonna lie. I just liked it 🤷🏻♀️. But after the third listen? Bouncing ass, tongue out, aaaand I luv it, I luv it, I luv it, I luv it, I luv it, I luv it, I luv it 🤣!! This song is definitely a grower! The more you listen to it, the more you become addicted to it 😍.
But anyway. Unlike the video, the lyrics talk about sex. So let's get started. Oh and, of course, I won't include Carti's mumbled Atlanta rap or as his fans say, the Cartinese, simply because he wrote his part.
***Btw, I can no longer listen to Carti’s “Oh, you on the road now? - Oh, you grown now? - Oh, you too grown now” without bursting out laughing 🤦🏻♀️🤣. I can't help but hear Nas' imitation of Carti's voice in the HE KNOWS music video🤣🤣🤣. For me, those three sentences have now become just one repeated X3: “Oh, you on the floor now” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣***
Oh oh oh, last thing before starting. If you're a prude, LEAVE NOW. Skip the whole lyric analysis and go straight to the music video analysis. The song is about sex like I just said and I therefore won't hold back from explaining certain things, okay? I warned you 🙋🏻♀️. I don't wanna see complaints in the comments as happened years ago. Thank you.
Song
Verse 1:
“Supersonic, in your orbit”
So, supersonic. One word from which two derive: super and sonic. Super: above the rest, better than the rest. Sonic: derived from the Latin ‘sonus’ which means sound. Super-sound. Basically a loud noise, a sound/sonic boom that (the actual meaning of supersonic:) breaks the acoustic barrier by traveling at a speed faster than the one of sound. A flight can be supersonic. As well as a missile and even a gun bullet.
An orbit is an ever-changing path one object in space takes around another. An unscientific example? A dog with its favorite toy often orbits their owner insistently because they want to play with them. Speaking from personal experience here 🤣.
***Oh and, lil fun fact. In prostitution specifically, orbit was, and perhaps still is, a code word for oral sex***
Ultimately, “Supersonic, in your orbit” means that Mila is this supersonic boom, this let's even say supersonic shock that orbits around her prey. As I've said many other times in my analysis, Mila likes to use wordplay in her songs and this is basically her artistic way of explaining sexual provocation. She's provoking her target.
“And I’m bad, diabolic”
It's giving intense energy and mischief out of the ordinary 😜. She knows she's good at it (provocation). She has a goal (to sleep with her) and succeeds because we have the aftermath of her intent in the next sentence.
“Bottle rocket, on the carpet”
Her favorite lyrics because many people didn't grasp the meaning 🤣. Definition of bottle rocket: a firework typically consisting of a cylindrical case that is partly filled with combustible material and fastened to a guiding stick which may be placed in a bottle to control the direction of the rocket's launch.
In this case, in sex, bottle rocket is the representation of cuming hard in an explosive way.
Rockets have a phallic shape, so the first thing that's assumed here is that it's the sperm that's on the carpet, also because the song acts as straight 🙄, but where's the deception? Even girls can give someone a bottle rocket. How? By being an explosion and not a normal female cum orgasm, with female ejaculation also known as squirting.
Ergo, she's talking about herself. This song is not about sex with a guy and I can even prove that with the next sentence.
“Threw it back and he caught it”
Round two, doggy-style position. Movements: “Threw it back” her ass “and she caught it” with the hands by placing it directly back on the face aka mouth-tongue (clue about the lil fun fact I mentioned earlier) or by directing the entrance of the cave of wonders on the dildo (since Camren loves toys so much 😜🤣🤭). But, given the “he” because, again, the song acts as straight 🙄, the meaning should make you think of the guiding on the dick. But no. As I said before, I can prove it.
When guys cum, it literally takes them a while before they can go again. Some need 10/15 minutes, others hours or directly the next day because they literally physically can't. It's rare anyway that they manage to go beyond the second round (unless they're in the midst of adolescence and are like 14/15 years old 🤣), and those who miraculously can make it, also last very little and their cum is also very little. And mind you, I'm not saying these things to belittle men. I'm not making anything up. It's the pure truth. Not only have I experienced it myself (cause yes, hi 👋🏼, I've been with my gf for 3 years but I'm bisexual and I've had relationships before her), but these are facts that you can even look up if you don't believe me.
It's obviously not the same for all guys and they're all different, but us girls literally need 5 seconds or nothing at all to recover, and we don't have limits like they do. Unlike males, we females can have multiple orgasms. Sexual arousal and orgasm are possible again right away. So no. It's impossible she was talking about a guy.
If she was really talking about a guy, it's impossible that immediately after his Bottle rocket, on the carpet (yet another proof that Mila was talking about her cuming, her squirting) he didn't need some enough available time for round two (Threw it back and he caught it). Let’s move on 💪🏼.
“I go soprano, baby, go down low”
Soprano in music is the highest note, so in this case, going soprano means she's screaming with pleasure. And in her euphoric state, she guides her partner back down there into her buried treasure.
“And when he leads, I gotta follow”
The movements. Like in dance. In partner dancing, there are those who lead and those who follow. They're designed roles to facilitate the movements. The one who leads manages the body of the one who follows and decides the dance steps and direction of travel from time to time.
The thing that makes me laugh about this part is the “when he leads”. “When” 🤣🤣🤣. Because she's the top and she's the one who leads most of the time because Laur's the bottom (even though they're both also switch) so when Lo leads, when, sometimes, occasionally, I gotta follow 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. Oh Mila 🤦🏻♀️🙈🤣.
“I’m blackin’ out, I’m on a spiral”
She feels out of control (spiral) because the ending is so beautiful that it almost makes her lose consciousness (blackin’ out).
“I need you now and tomorrow”
And forever.
I’d also like to add a deeper meaning of sex to I’m blackin’ out, I’m on a spiral – I need you now and tomorrow. Although she said the song is about sex, she also said:
“Part of that cocktail is also the emotional drama between you and that person, and the chaos and butterflies and nerves and passion. It’s unsustainable and not peaceful and exhausting, but also, I LUV IT.” – “Now I feel kind of lonely and small and weird, but at the same time, I’m an adult and I feel so strong in other areas of my life, but not this one. There’s just the wrestling of those feelings without it being kind of neat or in a box. You can’t really say that it’s a sad song, you can’t really pin it down. It’s just kind of me wrestling with these feelings and me kind of being really present on a particular feeling and exploring it. I feel like a lot of songs on the album are that”.
So going deeper, “I’m blackin’ out, I’m on a spiral” indicate her anxiety. Being on a spiral or simply spiraling, is an emotional state that rapidly worsens in a way that becomes increasingly difficult to control and often leads to short-term periods of anxiety or depression. Aka her OCD gets triggered. Which by the way, I remind you that for her leads to obsessions and repetitive thoughts. And in a certain way, we can also see it in the repetition of the same phrase in the chorus.
So here she's saying: 1) I’m blackin’ out, aka I'm going crazy, I'm freaking out (connection/thing that reminds me a lot of “Am I out of my head? Am I out of my mind?” Bad Things [analysis here (eleventh ask)]) 2) I’m on a spiral, aka I'm anxious, distressed, worried, fearful. Why? Because I don't wanna lose you aka 3): I need you now and tomorrow. This alludes to the desire for connection and intimacy that goes beyond sex.
Both meanings (sexual and deeper) however indicate the intensity of her uncontrollable and erratic emotions towards as she said “that person” Lauren. But she doesn't care. “It’s unsustainable and not peaceful and exhausting, but also, I…?” She…? She what? Sing it all together🎤🎵🎶👇🏼👇🏼👇🏼:
Chorus:
“I luv it, I luv it, I luv it, I luv it
I luv it, I luv it, I luv it
I luv it, I luv it, I luv it, I luv it
I luv it, I luv it, I luv it
I luv it, I luv it, I luv it, I luv it
I luv it, I luv it, ooh
I luv it, I luv it, I luv it, I luv it
I luv it, I luv it, I luv it”
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7…...
27. 27……
27 times, huh? 😜 What a wonderful coincidence! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 of all the numbers, precisely the 27. Would you look at that 🤣🤣.
No seriously tho. The words have to fit and respect the tempo of the song, but coincidence or not it's still funny for me 🤭.
Post-Chorus 1:
“Lemons on the chain with the V-cuts (X2)
Lemons in their face, watch ’em freeze up (x2)”
This part was sampled from the song Lemonade by Gucci Mane. Lemons are basically yellow diamonds (known as Canary Diamonds) cut/engraved in the shape of the letter V (an expensive method of cutting diamonds).
The meaning behind that would be that people would “freeze up” in shock at seeing this display of wealth and success, these lemons/diamonds, “in their face”s. They're oh so surprised and intimidated that they even freeze up for this luxury lifestyle thrown in their faces.
Umm………. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Do we really care? Of that? Okay 🤣. About something she didn't even write? Something that she literally took copied and pasted into the song? Pfft, okay. Can we move on? Thank you 🤣.
Verse 2:
“Super twisted, sick addicted”
Twisted: someone who's mentally or emotionally unhealthy or disturbed: sick. --> Sick addicted: someone who's unable to stop doing something as a habit. Ergo, she's saying that she likes/enjoys it a lot and wants to spend as much time as possible doing what they're doing: sex.
Nonsexual meaning: She's using strong words to describe not only herself but also what their relationship is like. They may be twisted, and addicted, and toxic, and all the other things we've seen in their songs, but no matter what, she/they LUV IT, cause they luuuv each other.
“Kiss me hard, someday you’ll miss this”
A dig for all those times they break up or take breaks.
“Meteor shower, in your power”
What's a meteor shower?
The meteor shower is nothing other than what we commonly call shooting stars. These are obviously not stars, but meteors. Meteors are the aftermath of asteroids and comets that ORBITATED the SUN.
Asteroids (celestial bodies composed of rocky bodies) and comets (celestial bodies composed of frozen gases) become meteoroids when they fragment. In turn, meteoroids ignite and disintegrate when they enter our solar system, becoming meteors, ergo shooting stars. Those that don't disintegrate and manage to touch the earth's ground instead become meteorites.
How does a meteor shower happen?
The meteor shower happens when the earth, in its ORBIT around the SUN, crosses an area in which fragments of rock and dust (meteoroids) lost from a comet or an asteroid (celestial bodies made of rock, dust, and ice coming from the outermost areas of the solar system) are concentrated. When an asteroid and a comet heat up as they pass close to the sun, they reach such temperatures that they fragment even more (meteoroids) and when these very tiny fragments enter our atmosphere, they ignite and burn due to friction by generally developing tails, luminous trails (shooting stars) until they vaporize or leave debris (meteorites) behind.
Lil fun fact: some meteorites found on earth come from the MOON 🤭🤣. Most come from destroyed comets and asteroids, but some come from Mars or the moon.
So, after this compelling little science lesson, I can explain what Mila means by “Meteor shower, in your power”.
It's very simple actually. A meteor shower is a celestial event. She's comparing their sex to this astronomical phenomenon, the “Meteor shower”. The “in your power” is due to the fact that Lo’s the one who’s leading as we saw in “And when he leads, I gotta follow” in the first verse.
“Seein’ stars, oh my God”
The retina sends light signals to the brain by making sparks, stars, or flashes of light appear in the visual field. When does this happen? It usually has to do with the head. You've made a movement too fast, like standing up suddenly, or you've been hit on the head, or you're about to lose consciousness, etc. These are all negative aspects, but we're talking about something positive here. Sex.
This amazing sex (Meteor shower), this second round (Threw it back and she caught it), brings her to another orgasm (maybe even another Bottle rocket 🤷🏻♀️😏) during which she feels so bewildered, so dizzy, and she experiences this very surreal feeling that overwhelmed her by even Seein’ stars during it. Seein’ stars: to climax, to achieve orgasm.
This can very well be connected with ““I’m blackin’ out, I’m on a spiral” She feels out of control (spiral) because the ending is so beautiful that it almost makes her lose consciousness (blackin’ out)” that I explained earlier.
Oh and, the “oh my God” was her, um 🤣, comment, to express that ending if it wasn't already obvious enough 🤣.
Bridge:
“Slow down, baby”
All of Playboi Carti's “Uh, uh, uh, uh” before Mila's “Slow down, baby”, at least to me, indicate the thrust of the act. Again, he “sings” them to prove the song is straight 🙄, but we know the truth. Anyway. The “Slow down, baby” means exactly that. Either Mila's settling down from the end of round two and needs a tiny bit more time to go as fast as they were going before, or she simply wants this third round to go at a slower pace than the previous one, or better yet, Slow down, baby like in ‘stop, it's my turn now’ (to lead).
Another proof that this doesn't talk about sex with a guy. As I said before, it's rare for guys to get beyond 2 rounds, so let alone a third one 🤣. Sorry, not sorry, but it's literally the truth 🤣.
And that's it. I luv the fact that Camila's lyrics in this song talk about sex but she uses words that still perfectly capture the magnetic attraction between the two of them. I luv how she's quite unapologetic about it. And I LUUUV how she also used these cosmic references in general, but above all, how they anyway hide in a certain way the two important celestial bodies in our sky and solar system: their representation, aka the moon and the sun.
Now let's move on to the music video where everything that could go wrong happens 👍🏼🤣. What is she trying to convey here? Let's find out.
Music video
Opening scene. A Robin Hood wannabe who takes coins from his pocket.
Three empty stationary police cars in a driveway while an aspiring lumberjack cop is, for what initially appears to be, cutting down a tree to prepare for winter.
KhaleesiMila enters the scene 5 seconds before she starts singing. She looks like she just came back home from the night before given her outfit and her slightly messy hair. But not her makeup. The makeup is perfect of course because it's still a music video 😉.
She enters the kitchen with a chocolate cake in one hand while with the other she nonchalantly tosses her heels in a spot where it's very usual for us girls to leave them 🤣: at the doorway or in the bedroom on the kitchen counter.
She starts singing and eating a piece of chocolate cake at the same time.
At the same moment as the first bite of the cake, we have a really well-done perfect transition of her spitting her mouthguard out in a somewhat snobbish but challenging and provocative way because she's ready to fight against a professional female wrestler.
Soon after we have a 3-second split shot of her chewing the cake in the kitchen again and her and Carti in the gas station, before cutting to a long one where we have the reappearance of the archer from the opening scene.
From this moment on, all the small shots, the little introductions that we initially had, are explained a little bit more extensively with longer scenes and shots. Still messy 🤣, but longer.
Hospital part 1
Now that we see the surroundings, we notice how Legolas wannabe is in the corridor of a hospital and that the coins he took from his pocket in the opening scene, he needed them to get something like a chocolate bar from the vending machine. After taking it, he walks back to a white-dressed Mila who's sitting with an arrow in her heart.
A flash passed before my eyes and for a moment I was back in 2019. Why? Liar. The cover art picture of the song portrays her as an angel with wings.
Camila explained that Cupid strikes her with his bow to make her fall from heaven and unmask her, by making her not so angelic anymore because she's actually a liar who's hiding something, that is a secret [hmm, I wonder which one 😏😎🤫🤐🤣]. This whole story created for the song inspired the visual for the entire album Romance (whole album inspired by the surrealism of a museum of love stories in heaven).
So I asked myself, what is this? A connection to Romance but direct to Liar? No. I'd say more that she paid homage to it since even though the lyrics are about sex, the ideology of the video is about their toxic relationship and how she knows it's toxic but she LUVs IT anyway.
Anyhow, I guess that at the arrow in the heart scene, you all thought that the Green Arrow wannabe was Cupid. Same thing here, mostly because of the connection with Liar. I initially thought: “Oooh, it's Cupid! Cupid shot her with his arrow, ergo she's in love. But she's lovesick, and because of this the hospital: love - sick”. Then I saw the whole scene (plus the ending which I'll explain, well, at the end 🤣) and I realized: “Nope. Not Cupid. Not Cupid at all. Hi, Lauren 👋🏼”.
***Let's be clear. This is a music video. A creative and imaginative way of portraying objects, people, and scenarios in general. Yes, it's Camila's POV, but Lauren isn't that bitchy and dickish in real life. Okay? Every artist does it. It's art. Literally, as the word implies.***
So, back to the scene. Rewind. Lauren Hawkeye wannabe takes the candy bar from the vending machine and goes back to Mila. *This is the point where I got to before.* He doesn't even look at her. He just sits. Contrary to her who follows him with her gaze as he sits down and she also turns her head to look at him one more time before looking straight ahead.
That chocolate bar or whatever the fuck it is, it's not even for her. He took it for himself without even having the thought of taking it for her or taking something for her as well. I mean he's like, he's there for her. He went with her and he accompanied her also because he hit her with an arrow. Like yeah, we know that. We can see that. But even though he's there for her, he at the same time doesn't acknowledge or address her at all. He's just there. Present and not. Waiting for her turn.
While she, even smiles with her mouth closed as he's returning to her, but it's a smile I'd say forced. A kind of smile that masks how uncomfortable she feels. It's a wan smile that shows no energy or enthusiasm. It's a stoical ‘grin-and-bear-it because you're used to it after all’ kind of expression. That smile alone makes you understand how ‘normal’ this situation is for her. She's so used to it that it's a standard routine for her. It doesn't come as a surprise.
In a situation like this one, in a hospital, with an arrow in the chest/heart, anger or pain or both reactions are what you expect to be shown by her. But no. She's just there. Waiting for her turn.
Meaning behind this? The arrow in the heart represents a metaphorical way to express the idea that love can be both powerful and overwhelming, capable of causing joy and pain in equal measure. In this case however, the arrow in the heart doesn't represent a tender sweet and romantic symbol of Cupid and Valentine's Day. It represents a heart-piercing emotional pain. In this case, that arrow is nothing more than a heart-stopping arrow through the heart.
Fight & Dogs
In the next scene we have the professional female wrestler again. Like when she spat her mouthguard out in the opening brief shot, Mila continues to have this defiant attitude *she’s so hot there btw 🤤🥵*.
She shows herself as very self-confident with this superior aura and this cockiness that gives off an ‘I can kick your ass’ vibe. All of this flies out the window the moment the wrestler makes her move against her and Mila shits in her pants and starts running away 🤣.
At the same time that she starts running, we have another perfect transition of a running dog.
Then we have another very brief shot of her continuing to eat the cake in the kitchen, before alternating the fight with the wrestler and not just one dog running randomly, but her being chased by no less than three dogs 🤣.
These two scenes are connected on the part of running for your life. Literally as far as the dogs are concerned 🤣. And speaking of the dogs, the scene represents the danger and risks of being in love with someone. It represents all the feelings of chaos that go along with it. It represents feeling afraid and helpless with a constant internal battle of anxiety and fear. Being chased by dogs is stressful, scary, and unpleasant, BUT, it's even adrenaline-pumping and the depiction of it, is basically like an excited nightmare that represents not knowing where things are leading. Running into the unknown. She's scared but she does it anyway because the journey is electrifying.
Going back and talking about the scene with the wrestler, the running scared to avoid the actual physical fight is the representation of avoiding the confrontation. And that's something we know Mila does thanks to both her and Lauren. We also know this because in 2016 she herself said that she avoids conflicts with people. It's a vice/bad habit that she's always had.
BUT, no matter how much she tries to run away and avoid this confrontation, it always happens. Sooner or later, she eventually always finds herself having to face the problem unwillingly or not. The representation of this in the video is when she's captured. We actually see this section almost at the end of the video after Carti’s “🎵tursin-eh-oh-and-halloh-eh-halloh-eh-halloh-I'm out o-controool🎵” 🤣🤣🤣. We see the wrestler chasing and catching Mila, which leads to the headlock wrestling move.
Now let's talk about this section with the headlock that we see both at the end and currently in the first chorus of the part of the video where we are. Specifically this one here. We see several headlocks in sequence, but the one I want to focus on is the second one, where the wrestler is enacting the chokehold with only one arm.
Like, umm… 🤭 The way you caress her arm and look at her, and the way you sing “I luv it” with your tongue sticking out in that seductive way 🔥.
I mean... Mila, honey…😏 I see you! 🤣
No wonder in the BTS of the video she said: “I've been the most excited for this scene all day”. Hmm 🤔, I wonder why is that 🤣🤣🤣. Just as I'm not surprised by the other clue she gave in the interview with Bru On The Radio when talking about the scene: “It's like a little homoerotic. It's cool! But um- * she bursts out laughing by looking to the side* -yeah”.
Homoerotic: 1) (especially of art, literature, drama, or the like) using symbolism, allusions, situations, etc., that invoke sexual attraction or activity between people of the same gender. Example: There's definitely some homoerotic subtext in that book. 2) having sexual attraction to people of one's own sex or gender, especially when that attraction is repressed. Example: To say a man has a “streak of lavender” means that he has homoerotic desires. 3) relating or involving sexual activity between people of the same sex. Specifically: marked by, revealing, or portraying sexual desire between people of the same sex.
I have nothing else to add, Your Honor. I have nothing else to add 😎🤣.
No but seriously now. She doesn't act that way during the other headlocks. In those, she tries to fight back and somehow defend herself by trying to free herself. We see her react in a rather normal way to that type of situation. But in that particular hold? Nope 🤣. We can see how much she likes it. How attracted and aroused she is. The reactions she has during the other headlocks represent her external side, what really happens and what she lets see. While in that particular one, we see the toxicity of what happens in her inner part. The “I luv it” to the choking which on a larger scale, represents her toxicity in loving the pain. Even though they're fighting and she hates the confrontation and is in pain, she LUVs IT anyway because she luvs HER.
***Mind you that this is only an additional representation and seen in a more generic way. I don't see it as fitting to the theme of the music video as much as the one I've already explained to you now.*** A broader meaning could also be the representation of how the love for Lauren is so strong that she can't fight it. We've seen this other times in the lyrics of songs like This Love [analysis here (the penultimate ask)] and Señorita [analysis here (the last ask)] where Mila was having an inner struggle because, on the one hand, she wanted to protect her feelings, and on the other, she couldn't resist her. Ergo, the scene where she tries to fight this love, the professional wrestler, but she loses and thus is ultimately defeated.
House
Next scene we have her continuing to eat the chocolate cake plus this guy who comes in and rides around her house on his motorcycle and she does nothing.
Let's dwell for a moment on her eating.
Where have we seen something like this before (besides the reality of everyday life)? In every damn movie and TV show since forever 🤣. Someone is sad for some X reason like they had a fight with someone, or they're going through a breakup, and what do they do? They eat either something chocolate or ice cream. 90% of the time it's something chocolate related. Why? Because when consumed, it releases endorphins in the brain that produce a mild feeling of euphoria by mimicking the feeling of being in love. This is why chocolate is called the love drug. It gives comfort and joy and when we're down, we emotionally crave chocolate because we're unsatisfied with something.
Her eating chocolate cake in this case is an indication of unsatisfied desires and emotional needs.
Now let's go back to the guy with the motorcycle. He's destroying everything in his path and she's simply there, munching on her cake unbothered.
He's causing a mess but she doesn't even try to stop him. She doesn't get angry, she doesn't scream, nothing. And why? Because as I said before by talking about that type of smile in the hospital, this situation is ‘normal’ for her. She doesn't react simply because she's used to it. The chaos of their relationship doesn't surprise her also because, I mean, it's been years and years.
The house depicts her head and what happens in it. Him destroying the house is a representation of how she sees his bringing chaos into her life and their relationship. On a deeper level, her not reacting to the destruction of the house represents the fact that she's so in love that she ignores bad and toxic behaviors. The whole scene represents the toxicity and destruction that a relationship can bring into your life but you keep trying because you LUV IT. Lauren brings love, happiness, passion, euphoria, but she also brings chaos which also encompasses mess, confusion, disarray, whether all good or bad. We also saw this type of example in the lyrics of Consequences [analysis here (penultimate ask)].
Successively we have a mix of scenes, among which are the cop one of the opening scene, the car one, and the bathroom one.
Palm tree
We can finally see that this aspiring lumberjack cop is chopping this palm tree because Camila is on top of it.
Now, I have two interpretations for this. The palm tree represents Lauren/their toxic love in both interpretations.
N° 1, she's stuck on the tree. Being stuck represents her way of saying that there's no way out of their toxic relationship even though someone (represented by the cop) or more than someone (since there are 3 police cars even though we only see one cop) tries to get her out of this situation.
N° 2, the one I see as the most truthful, the most right one. She's not stuck on the tree. Mila is Walzing it 🤣🤣🤣 (for those who don't know, Dinah used to call Mila ‘Walz’ and here you can find the reason why the nickname was born). Her koalaing the tree also represents her co-dependence. She's clinging to it and doesn't want to let go.
She's on the very high point of the tree; visual meaning: danger. If she were to fall, she would die or be seriously injured. But she doesn't care. She's ready to risk her life. Deeper for the representation: her love is so strong, that she's ready to risk it (“I'll risk it all”, as we've already seen in Used to This [part of the interpretation that you can find in the analysis of Only Told the Moon here]). She's ready to risk everything/risk it all even if she were to lose her heart and if it were to affect even her mental and physical health as we've already seen in the lyrics of Consequences.
Even in this case, the cop represents someone or more than someone in her life who tries to get her out of this situation. They use extreme ways to do this, representative of getting her down: cutting down the tree. Why? Why doesn't this cop who clearly knows that this person is experiencing some kind of problem call the fire truck to bring a ladder to save her since that's what's normally done in these situations? Or he doesn't go directly and find one himself? Why doesn't he talk to her and try to reason with her to get her down?
Because it's not the first time this has happened. The cop (her family, her friends) is so used to and tired of seeing their on-again, off-again/cycle/loop/circle, that he decides to help her in a more brutal way in this case. Representation: chopping down the tree. It doesn't matter tho. It doesn't matter that other people try to help her in hard ways. She doesn't wanna lose her, and therefore she depicts how even though she knows it's a toxic relationship, she's clinging (codependent) to it and continues to love her because she doesn't want to depart/separate herself no matter what. Reason why we even see her singing “I luv it” while she’s glued to the tree.
Car
Speaking of falling (and how these two scenes are connected). Instead of that tree, here we see her having fallen over a car. Part of the car is destroyed, as is she. It's a representation of being in love and how it can sometimes destroy you. But again, we even see her singing “I luv it” because she doesn't care.
She doesn't care about falling and being crushed by/for her. They've taken a lot of risks over the years. They've suffered, they've hurt each other, and they've fallen down and gotten up every single time. And those wounds, in the video are represented as real wounds with cuts, bruises, gashes, and all that jazz.
She doesn't even care when we, the public and the fans, see her destroyed like that. We've seen it many times, especially after years and years spent growing up in the public eye. By this, I'm obviously referring to the woman who's immortalizing the scene with her phone.
Although that, it's also a representation of what would actually happen in today's world: instead of helping or calling an ambulance, the woman is filming or taking pics.
Bathroom & Bedroom
Contrary to the connection that the tree and the car scenes have, this one is connected to the ones of the dogs and the professional female wrestler.
We first see her in the bathroom. She looks in the mirror and even lifts her shirt up to look at her belly. Let's say normal things that we all do, and so far, nothing strange. Then we also see her perplexed and undecided tho (when she sighs with her finger in her mouth). And we see her rehearsing. We see her change her expression to a determined one and make the gun gesture with the fingers of her hand.
***Sorry but I have to tell you guys 🤣🤣🤣. I found it extremely funny how she made the gun gesture with her fingers precisely at “someday you’ll miss this”. THIS and bam: fingers out 😏😎🤣.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry 🤣🤣 one day she'll miss, what, Mila? Your gay fingers?🤣🤣🤣 Oooooookay 😉🤣***
Back to normal. All that represents her mentally preparing herself, and for what? For what we then see in the bedroom. Before heading there, we can see her expression of determination but more importantly, we can see her pissed-off expression.
She walks into the bedroom with this imaginary automatic machine gun that she uses to shoot and destroy the bed. As she does that, the footage also shows us the rest of the room, and what do I spy with my little eye 🧐? A frame hanging on the wall. And what's in that frame? Five boys with the word ‘sorry’ written on their backs.
Wait a second, wait a second… FIVE???? 😲 Five as a reference to Fifth Harmony? 😱 Five as in 5H because it's a hidden clue to confirm that she's talking about Lauren? 🤯 WHAAAAAT??? 😵
Yes, guys, yes. For those who haven't noticed, the answer is yes. Camila doesn't do things shittily. There's always meaning in the things she does, whether it's hidden or not. And if anyone tries to tell you otherwise or something different about that clue, don't be fooled. Why 5? Explain the 5 otherwise? They could've used a thousand different things like, for example, an apology/sorry note left on the bedside table, or even just one guy with sorry on his back in that frame since all of this is supposed to be straight and about a guy 🙄. But no. They used FIVE of them specifically.
Moving on.
The rehearsals she was doing in the bathroom that we later saw lead to the destruction of the bed with the imaginary automatic machine gun, were all due to Mila being pissed off about something Laur had done. Something we know thanks to the not-so-hidden apology message in the frame. Now I don't know about you 🎤🎶but I'm feeling 22 🎶🎤 sorry but I had to 🤣 but I know that even though Camila is magical, she doesn't really have powers 🤣. So even though this is the representation of her being pissed at Lo, she didn't actually shoot the bed. It was all in her head. She was just imagining doing it. Yeah, she was angry, but we also know that she'd run away in reality to try to avoid conflicts as we saw in the scene with the dogs and in the scene with the wrestler (aka Laur herself), during which, however, we also saw that the wrestler captures her and that therefore Mila was then forced to face.
Hospital part 2
During the mix of these three scenes (Palm Tree - Car - Bathroom & Bedroom) just discussed, we have two small shots of Mila in the hospital. The first during “oh my God” and the second during “I luv it”.
We see her looking in one direction before saying “oh my God”. It's an exasperated “oh my God” because no one's assisting her yet.
She sings “I luv it” by tapping her finger to her temple in rhythm but we can see how impatient she's starting to get for the wait. Yeah, she luvs it, she luvs it, she luvs it, she luvs it, she luvs it, she luvs it, she luvs it, but she's irritated and frustrated.
Gas station
Mila and her friends pull over into this gas station. A guy with long hair immediately approaches to serve them, but instead of refueling the car as we normally expected, he does it to them. He takes the pump and fills their glasses with gasoline, even though we know very well that it was actually nothing more than “some disgusting water-down apple juice”, according to Mila herself.
All this during “Lemons on the chain with the V-cuts (X4) - Lemons in their face, watch ’em freeze up (x4)” Oh well, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade Camila Cabello drinks gasoline 🤣.
Sorry, sorry 🤣. Joking aside now.
Drinking alcohol produces euphoria. It's stimulating, exciting, and lowers inhibitions and control. It's intoxicating, and although this word usually indicates something positive, it can also represent something negative especially when associated with alcohol. Drinking alcohol is intoxicating in a good way, but if done too much, it's intoxicating in a harmful way. In this case, alcohol is the representation of another hyperbolic metaphor. It's yet another concept represented in an exaggerated way. Gasoline, fuel, or whatever the hell it was, is obviously toxic. Ingesting it is dangerous. It's yet another representation of their toxic relationship and tendencies and how she doesn't care going against all common sense because she LUVs IT.
There would also be another possible meaning behind this scene due to Playboi Carti's verse. He talks about drugs (Novocaine and Mary Jane), luxury cars (Lamborghini Aventador SVJ), and rebellious life in general.
Novocaine is a drug used as a local anesthetic normally by dentists. Mary Jane is the literal English translation of the name Marijuana. Spanish: Maria/Mari. English translation: Mary. Spanish: Juana. English translation: Jane. Ergo, Marijuana: Mary Jane. In the past when drug users talked about marijuana, they called it Mary Jane so as not to arouse police suspicion.
I explained all this because specifically his talk about drugs made me think of a different possible meaning behind this scene. You see in the US, many drug dealers operate out of gas stations. Mila and her friends are getting gas at the gas station. In slang, ‘gas’ is a noun made popular by rappers to refer to weed/marijuana.
It might be that the scene has both meanings. Alcohol for her and drugs for him. Who knows 🤷🏻♀️. Maybe we would've seen it for real if Carti hadn't arrived late for the video shoot. But anyway.
Right after that, we have the dance scene. I have two interpretations for that even here. Both true.
The first one: Don't expect me to say sweet and predictable things like that she's dancing hypnotized because she's drunk on love 🤣. Nope. The blindfold is supposed to represent how blinded she is by love and shit, right? The typical phrase ‘love is blind’ that makes someone unable to see the flaws of the person they love. True, but at the same time in her case, bullshit tho. Buuuullshit! Because we saw throughout the video how she's aware of everything.
She chose to put the blindfold on and dance freely whether it's just for fun or distraction or to literally dance the pain away. She chose to put it on to ‘not see’ the flaws, the toxicity, and all the negative things. She knows. She knows they're there. It's just her choice to ignore them because, once again, she doesn't care because she luvs it and her.
The second one: Based on the getting gas in the previous shot, whether it's just alcohol or whether it's also marijuana, that's why right after that scene we see Carti with his hoodie backwards (it's literally backwards, look closely) before he starts singing and Mila and the girls dancing together blindfolded with X’s over their eyes.
It represents the beginning of the effect. 😵: literally the dizziness of drunkenness and/or stonedness. In a deeper way, it represents love being a drug/addiction to live to the fullest (dancing).
Again whether it's just alcohol or weed, that's also the reason why at the end of the video they're both comfortable and relaxed in eating calmly as if they don't have a care in the world (despite the video being completely the opposite). Both alcohol and weed increase hunger and appetite, sometimes leading to strange and uncontrollable cravings. That represents half to almost the end of the effect.
Hospital part 3
She's still waiting. She's still waiting for someone to help her remove that fucking arrow from her chest. The whole reason she's been there waiting for probably hours. Nurses even walk past in front of her but still no one assists her. As before, she's still annoyed, but now she's also discouraged and sad. Not only that, but the male version of a Katniss Everdeen wannabe is also gone. Representation of a breakup or one of their breaks. Mila's alone, and suddenly, the wound begins to bleed.
In this case, the arrow through her heart symbolizes feeling emotionally hurt. Since loving someone is not always a walk in dreamland, but it also consists of twists and turns and can really fucking hurt you, here we see how her heart starts dripping blood. The bleeding can also represent how toxic relationships leave you in the end. Again, love is pain but she LUVs IT.
Thing more important, the wound begins to bleed because she's no longer with her. It didn't do it the entire time Laur was with her, but her heart started to bleed in pain only after she left. Representation of how her heart, although already wounded (arrow) by her/for her, cannot bear to be without her (bleeding). As I also explained in my This Love’s interpretation, the choice over the years has often been between having her and suffering, or not having her at all, and as we know, she always chose her.
The end
So, that was the music video. It gave me Miami and Florida. It gave me GTA and crack house feelings 🤣. It gave me wildness and adrenaline. It gave me roller coaster. It gave me college students traveling for the holidays/Spring Breakers movie. *For those who don't know what I'm talking about 👇🏼*
Especially here with this promo.
*Last minute edit: she just said Spring Breakers is one of the inspired aesthetics for the new era*
She in specific, gave me addicted to pain. She gave me impulsiveness. She gave me a fast-paced lifestyle, full of passion, desire, and disregard for consequences. She gave me vibe. She gave me boujee. She gave me dance. She gave me actress and humor as has also happened in other videos in the past (although less than those ones) such as for example Havana, Liar, My Oh My, Bam Bam, Don’t Go Yet, etc. (it's not the first time Camila's been in ridiculous situations in her videos). She gave me chaos begets chaos, and in order to maintain sanity, one must embrace the insanity. Or in her case, a palm tree 🤣🤣🤣.
I mean, all in all and in its complexity, I really enjoyed it. She said the theme of the video is chaos and danger, and we saw that. In the interview with Bru On The Radio, still talking about the video, she said: “This complex feeling of loving the pain of something, or loving the messiness of something, or loving the chaos of something, really kind of like finding the beauty in that part of our humanity”. And we saw that too.
And as if it wasn't clear enough already, the video is an artistic representation of the toxic tendencies and behaviors of their toxic relationship in general throughout all these years. And yes, their as in both of them, not just her as in Lauren's. I told you guys in the beginning that it's Camila's POV and I explained that Lauren isn't that bitchy and dickish in real life, but we don't just see Laur's toxic tendencies and behaviors from Mila's POV in the video. We actually see Mila's a lot more. Let me explain.
We saw how Laur brings chaos into Mila's life and their relationship (house scene). She's hurt her (shot her with an arrow through the heart), she doesn't acknowledge her in the hospital, and she also leaves at the end. The leaving her there (breakup or break) in those conditions as well as not taking something for her too from the vending machine is a neglect; another trait of a toxic relationship. That's all. That's what we see as far as Lauren is concerned. Mila on the other hand…
She's the one who's unbothered, especially in the beginning, in having an arrow in her heart, aka being hurt. She's the one who doesn't react when Lo destroys the house, aka when Laur has toxic behavior towards her. Still her the one who runs away from her problems so as not to face them and avoids conflicts (dogs and wrestler). In fact, if that's why, I wanna put in a good word for Laur in this case since she fights her by forcing her to confront her, aka talk about their problems. Still Mila the one who uses an imaginary automatic machine gun to shoot and destroy the bed symbolically in her head just because she’s angry with her. She's the one who crashes herself on top of a car and risks her life on other occasions with the dogs, the palm tree, and by drinking gasoline. I mean, see what I mean?
Who's the most toxic one we see here? And again, this is just a video. Not the reality. I feel like I always have to specify these things with you guys because one never knows you misinterpreted it 🤣. But anyway. I'm happy Mila did it. I'm happy that Mila represented even her toxicity since for many years due to her songs people only and always blamed Lauren. It's something I've been saying for years 💁🏻♀️. They both have their faults. There are two people in the couple and there are always two sides to a story. Not just one.
In any case, that's it, dear Anon. I hope you enjoyed both analysis 🙃.
🤸🏻♀🤸🏻♀🤸🏻♀🤸🏻♀🤸🏻♀🤸🏻♀🤸🏻♀🤸🏻♀🤸🏻♀🤸🏻♀🤸🏻♀🤸🏻♀
Aaand I'm done 👅. Thank you all for your asks and I hope I've been helpful this time too 🙃. As usual, I'm always available for those who have questions, so ask away 😄.
Remember to be nice. Always. Both with others and with yourselves. Be a good example. Be patient. Be safe and take care of yourselves. Don't let our ship sink. Keep shipping them, but please respectfully 🙏🏼. Sending you virtual love and hugs 🤗🤗🤗. I love you, babies. Always with love, F ❤️.
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