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Full Text Electronic Interview, CFNY FM102.1 "Live In Toronto" with Johnny Marr & Bernard Sumner of ELECTRONIC, Thursday, July 18, 1996 (found here - a very special thanks to the webmaster for painstakingly transcribing it all, and archive.org for saving the old web!)

[Transcriber notes: "Live In Toronto" is a music magazine program on radio station CFNY 102.1 FM in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. It is on weeknights from 6:00PM-8:00PM, hosted by Kim Hughes. An audience was also present for this interview Kim had with Johnny Marr and Bernard Sumner of ELECTRONIC... This entire interview has been transcribed as closely as possible by myself (and it took a really long time!), therefore, errors and omissions are entirely possible.]

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KIM HUGHES: Welcome back to "Live In Toronto". My name is Kim. The new ELECTRONIC album is out. It's called Raise The Pressure. Of course, ELECTRONIC is Johnny Marr and Bernard Sumner. Everyone join me in welcoming them. Thanks for coming.

[Lots of clapping and cheering.]

KIM: Good evening. It's very nice to have you back. As you can see, Toronto is a very pro-ELECTRONIC town... Well, first of all, thanks for coming. Congradulations on the album. It's nice to have the music out. One of the things, I guess with this sort of music, right off the top, is that it takes a long time to make this music. I read a great quote that you said that you a were sort of a 'dictatorship of two'. And I'm wondering, with respect to putting it together and crafting the music, how did it typically come together? I mean, are you just sort of of one mind when you're in a recording, or did you come in with separate things. Sort of take me through it.

JOHNNY MARR: Well, the thing that we most like to do is work together from scratch with no ideas and we just go write what we're gonna do and we help each other out and stuff...

BERNARD SUMNER: We even scratch each other...

JOHNNY: Yeah, you've sort of got to be of one mind when you're going to work together for so long really, otherwise you're in trouble. So it's just the two of us and an engineer and we do it ten, eleven hours a day everyday pretty much. And when it gets too intense, we try and get out of there, have a bit of objectivity of what we do, take a break, and then go back in and do it again.

KIM: When it comes to things like maybe remixes, for instance, some of this material would lend itself obviously to being able to be farmed out for different kinds of remixes and allowing different people to put a new spin on it. Did you feel that sense of, 'Don't want to let it go'? Did you feel a little bit strange about turning it over to someone and seeing what they might come up with?

JOHNNY: Not at all...

BERNARD: Well, the first single off the album is "Forbidden City", and we didn't really feel that lended itself to being remixed, because it's a straight-ahead rock track. And speaking from experience, sometimes in the past when we've released a track like "Regret", for instance, those tracks don't lend themselves that well to remixes. I always thought you put a dance track out, you do a remix of that. But, I don't know, there were some good remixes on the first album...

[Someone's chair squeaks very loudly.]

BERNARD: Is that your wooden leg again?

[Laughter.]

KIM: It's a little squeaky. Just before we get into some music and like we say, we'll get some questions from the audience, you'll allow that within certain British music scenes, as far as dance music is concerned, it's a very rapidly changing thing. I mean, it's a pretty precarious landscape to get into. I mean, today's great thing is sort of yesterday's 808 STATE. There must sort of a sense of wanting to...

[Lots of "Ooh"ing and laughter from everyone.]

KIM: And I mean that... No no, that's not an insult. Don't misread what I have said. I'm saying they're a great band, but there's that sense of always having to be reconfiguring things to the extent of staying on top. I think they were great, and it's too bad now that they don't seem to have been able to reconfigure themselves to an extent that they've been able to stay on the charts. You will admit to that certainly.

BERNARD: Sure, yeah. 'Flavor of the moment'.

KIM: So with that in mind, is that sort of a concern, to a certain extent, because of the track records that you've had, that you'll be spared some of that?

JOHNNY: Well, in regards to dance music, it's really music to listen to at home because not all of our audience want to go out to clubs, but they like dance music. So we were sort of careful to avoid being that kind of 'flavor of the moment' thing. It's like a continuation of the first album, because we just wanted to prove the first album wasn't a one-card trick really.

BERNARD: Yeah, I don't think we appear like a club act neither. There's all different kinds of music on this album. Some of it has got a dance flavor, but, like Johnny says, it's designed to be played at home or in your car. It's not really aimed directly at the clubs, so we're not a mainstream club act. And I think that's allowed...

[Another chair squeak.]

BERNARD: Is that your leg again? It is your leg, isn't it?

[Laughter.]

BERNARD: It's allowed us to be independent of that 'flavor of the month' kind of thing.

KIM: To take it one step further, to my knowledge, at this point you don't have any plans to tour this particular project.

BERNARD: We were talking about it at dinner last night. If these people here in the audience want us to tour, then we'll do it.

[Lots of cheering and clapping.]

BERNARD: Well, I will anyway. What about you Johnny?

[Audience cheers for Johnny.]

JOHNNY: Can you all come over to Manchester?

[Some more cheering and laughter.]

KIM: Why don't we play some music, and stick aound and talk some more and get to some questions from our audience. This is music from ELECTRONIC on 102.1 The Edge...

["Forbidden City"]

KIM: 102.1 The Edge. Music from ELECTRONIC. That's "Forbidden City", the first single taken from the new album, which is called Raise The Pressure. Johnny Marr and Bernard Sumner are here from the group, and what we're going to do in a few minutes, we'll talk a little more about this album, play some more music from it, and also defer to our sizable crowd and get some questions as well.

[Commercial break.]

KIM: Thanks for staying tuned. We are speaking about and with ELECTRONIC: Johnny Marr and Bernard Sumner are here. And we were talking about Karl Bartos just off the air, the guy from KRAFTWERK, who is not only contributing on this album, but had a hand in some of the songwriting. And I'm not surprised that you might know of him. Did you run into him in NEW ORDER. Was there like a kindred spirit thing?

BERNARD: No, not at all, no. I've got a friend that lives in Berlin. It's a Manchester connection again. He used to live in Manchester. He lives in Berlin, and he's got a record label called MFS, which plays trance music. It's a sort of a monotonous kind of dance music. He knew that I was a big fan of Karl's and a big fan of KRAFTWERK, actually. He knew that we were looking for people to work with so he put the two of us together.

KIM: Are you the kind of guys when it comes to song writing who could write a song forever. You seem like you might. I mean, how do you know when it's finished? How do you know when it's done? When does it feel complete to you?

JOHNNY: Bernard drags me out of the studio and says, "It's finished! It's finished! I don't like it anymore! I want to go home!"

BERNARD: Stop it...

JOHNNY: And I do the same to Bernard, so that's when we know it's done... No, like I said, we try and be objective...

BERNARD: We're obsessed. We're pretty obsessed. We know we're a part of the legacy of the groups that we come from, NEW ORDER and THE SMITHS, and we know that everything that we do will be so put under the microscope by everyone. They just don't just listen to our records, they dissect them. So everything has got to be...I guess we're a bit paranoid about it, and everything's got to be as perfect as it can be.

KIM: But in a way, it is an embarrassment of riches. I mean, it wouldn't be the same if people didn't care so passionately about those groups...if they hadn't felt so very moved spiritually by it, then it wouldn't have been an issue, right?

JOHNNY: It's just the way we are...that people really care about what we do and that when we do any B-side, we spend as much energy as on an A-side, partly because we can, to be honest. We've worked hard at being musicians, we have our own studio, we don't have the record company breathing down our neck for products and stuff. And we can take a long time and get it perfect, and we do, really. There's people from day to day...all our self-worth is tied up in what we do, and that's the truth of it. I think people who follow us know we're not the sort of people who just sort of ????????.

[Laughter.]

BERNARD: Apart from this one occassion.

JOHNNY: First time I've ever been in one! We work underground in our own studio, and it's a very intense situation...and we mean it, you know.

BERNARD: We also actually enjoy writing songs. So we really like it...we like being down there, wittling away at this thing. We like doing this--one of the benefits of spending that amount of time downstairs without any windows, is that when you do get out and meet people like this, you actually enjoy it. We actually enjoy doing the interviews for the first...

KIM: ...10 minutes or so.

JOHNNY: The first 200 of them!

KIM: On that note, just before we play some more music, and I hope you'll stick around a bit, because I'd like to play a fair bit, I'm sure there's lots of people who have really interesting questions as well. So, if we can organize...fire away...

Q1: First of all, I want to say you guys both look very beautiful today.

[Cheering, clapping, and laughter.]

Q1: I just wanted to know how this whole thing got started a few years back, how you met a few years back, how you guys met up?

JOHNNY: We first met up in 1982 when Bernard was producing a record...

Q1: How this project got started.

JOHNNY: This album?

Q1: The first album and this album as well.

BERNARD: We actually met...we knew each other because THE SMITHS and NEW ORDER did a couple of gigs together in Manchester...around England. Actually, I was doing a concert in Berkeley and California with NEW ORDER and I actually met Johnny in the toilet at the gig . I won't tell you what he was doing...

JOHNNY: He said, "Do you want to do it?"

[Laughter.]

BERNARD: Do what? Do what? He said, "You know...me and you, me and you!"

JOHNNY: ...No...

[More laughter.]

BERNARD: Oh, make a record! Right! I'll do that.

JOHNNY: So that's our spiritual home place now. There's a gold disc in there somewhere.

KIM: Thanks a lot. Do we have another question..?

Q2: I just wondered what kind of music you've been listening to these days. If there are any bands that have caught your attention in a big way?

BERNARD: Personally speaking, when you've been working on music for 10 hours a day, you don't want to go home and listen to it. I normally watch a film or read a book. If I do listen to music, I listen to a dance station called KISS. I also listen to classical music, because it's really nothing like the music we're doing. I've just heard a new Patti Smith track called...

JOHNNY: ..."Summer Cannibals"...

BERNARD: "Summer Cannibals". And if I was to listen to a rock record, that's the kind of rock music I like...sort of rhythmic driving sort of stuff.

JOHNNY: I saw VERVE a few years ago, and they were fantastic, and then I saw them again and saw them again. I like Bernard Butler's stuff. Yeah, he's happening...

KIM: I have a question. I had heard that Johnny Greenwood of RADIOHEAD was doing some guitar parts on Bryan Ferry. Do you know if that's true? Are you still in touch with Bryan Ferry?

JOHNNY: It's probably true because Bryan collects guitar players like most people collect guitars. He has a huge collection of guitarists...so I guess so. Bernard Butler played on the new Bryan Ferry stuff as well, so that's interesting.

BERNARD: Did he?

JOHNNY: Yeah, yeah.

KIM: Interesting. I'd like to play some more music now, and we'll organize some more questions if you'll stay for a bit...

JOHNNY: (sarcastically) Oh! We like OASIS as well!

[Laughter and jeering.]

KIM: Here's music from ELECTRONIC. Oooh. On 102.1 The Edge...

["Second Nature"]

KIM: Music from ELECTRONIC on 102.1 The Edge. The new album is out, it's called Raise The Pressure. And we're going to continue speaking with the guys and taking a bunch of audience questions in just a few moments...

[Commercial break.]

KIM: We are back on the program. Thanks for staying tuned. Speaking with Johnny Marr and Bernard Sumner about ELECTRONIC and of ELECTRONIC, and stuff like that. We do have some people who have been waiting really patiently to ask some questions, so take it away...

Q3: This question is for Bernard. What's happening with NEW ORDER nowadays? Is there any plans to make another album in the future?

[Laughter.]

JOHNNY: "Well, we haven't split up... But we've got no plans to record together in the forseeable future."

[More laughter.]

BERNARD: You've said that one before!

KIM: Well, I guess we can have the question the other way. We can have your impression of Johnny... That's actually quite good...

BERNARD: "...NO! Nnnnnn..." (grumbling)

[Laughter.]

KIM: Something that I wanted to ask you. There was an album that came out called A Means To An End that was a collection of different people covering JOY DIVISION songs. I don't know if you've heard it. I assume that you had to give some clearance. How did you feel about this sort of latent reverie towards the group? Are you comfortable with that?

BERNARD: The funny thing is that everyone is allowed to do a JOY DIVISION cover except NEW ORDER. If we did it, we'd get our heads cut off by the press. 'Cause we did get approached by the record company asking us to do a cover of "Love Will Tear Us Apart" but I refused because I didn't want to get crucified on the spot. I was very touched by the gesture.

JOHNNY: We were sort of considering doing "Heat And Soul" live, weren't we?

BERNARD: We were thinking about a track by JOY DIVISION called "Heart And Soul" which we're both really big fans of, and we'd like to do that, yeah... Live, just live.

SOMEONE IN AUDIENCE: In Toronto!

[Laughter.]

KIM: Another question...

Q4: I'd like to ask Bernard, what were your impressions of the Deborah Curtis book? Have you read it, or are you familiar with it?

BERNARD: I have read it, actually. I started reading it and I couldn't put it down. It kept me up all night, you know. I thought it was a really good book, although I did think it was...obviously you're bound to be bitter about something like that and I think that sometimes she did get the wrong end of the stick, she got the wrong angle on something. But I understand that. Yeah, I thought it was very good.

KIM: Go ahead.

Q5: This one's for Johnny. A couple of years ago, Trent Reznor was in an interview in Toronto here, talking about how if he could hire you as a guitarist for the album, he would, but he couldn't afford it. Would you ever consider working on something like that, or is that too far out of your...

SOMEONE IN AUDIENCE: No. You've got too much class!

[Laughter.]

JOHNNY: You don't know me!

[More laughter.]

JOHNNY: You know, I'm really happy I found someone that I can write songs with. I look up the period where I did some sessions, and the way I see it is that I got to make some records with some people I really respected, you know, Matt Johnson in particular. But now I want to put all my time and energy into ELECTRONIC, because that's the thing for us. So I'm trying to avoid doing sessions really.

BERNARD: And why is that? And did you make it?

JOHNNY: I did actually...and now...

[Laughter.]

JOHNNY: To be honest, as far as sessions go, I've played and sung on the new PET SHOP BOYS album. The PET SHOP BOYS are the only people I play with really. Mostly because if I refused I'd never hear the end of it. I'm not sure about sessions. I don't really know Trent Reznor's stuff very much.

KIM: I think it would be interesting myself. I think he's a really interesting musician. But I want to pick up on something that you said there with respect to ELECTRONIC. If you're saying that this is your focus right now, on this hand, but you're saying that you're not really sure about touring, does this mean that there's a lot of other material that we're going to see coming out in the next little while? Are you anxious to get back in?

JOHNNY: Why we're not sure about touring is that we don't want to do something that means we can't make a record for about another two years. We really want to play, we like playing, we like the hour and a half on stage, we like seeing everybody, and we like the sort of gesture of 'look, we've come here, we want to play', but we just got ourselves now into a position where we're free to do another ELECTRONIC record, is that right?

BERNARD: Yeah, that's right. You know, maybe we can ask these people what would you prefer. Would you prefer a new record or would you prefer to see us play live?

LOTS OF PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE: Both!

BERNARD: Well, we'll do a live record...

[Laughter.]

KIM: If you're just joining us here, we're speaking with John Marr and Bernard Sumner from ELECTRONIC, and we're going to play some more music in a moment. Other questions? Please...

Q5: This one's for Bernard. I was just wondering, your music has changed a lot in the last 20 years, and I was wondering what changes in your life might have been reflected in that?

BERNARD: Well, yeah, I mean, hopefully the purpose in life is to straighten the deep end and to make yourself happier as you go along in life. You know, everything you do, you go to school, you go to work, it's to make yourself happier and I've achieved that, and that's reflected in my music. My music's now optimistic, happy, 'up' music, and in the days when I was in JOY DIVISION, before I had achieved anything... I mean, hopefully, the best music reflects truthfully my personality...and I'm pretty happy, pretty happy these days...

KIM: Has fatherhood had an imapct on life?

BERNARD: Um...yeah, well of course it has...yeah, yeah...

KIM: Why don't we play another track from the record? And then perhaps we'll take a few more questions and let you get some dinner.

JOHNNY: Well, yeah, okay. I'm enjoying answering questions to be honest...

BERNARD: You know what's really good... After all this time, we're in the studio, we're making the record, and then we spend a lot of time promoting. We talk to the journalists, it's really good to talk to people...directly.

KIM: Okay, we'll do it again in a minute. I just want to play some music here for those who aren't with us in the studio who might enjoy the music, so let's do that. This is ELECTRONIC on 102.1 The Edge...

["One Day"]

KIM: Toronto's New Rock 102.1 The Edge. Music from ELECTRONIC taken from the album Raise The Pressure. We're just speaking with Bernard and Johnny from the group, and actually, we were letting it go to the people who have bought the records and the concert tickets over all these years. And I'm sure that you would agree, certainly you Bernard, having played here a number of times, that Toronto is sort of a microcosm in North America in a way, particularly when it comes to English groups. They can always do so incredibly well here and their music seems to be appreciated so much...I mean I know how this sounds, but it's sort of true. I mean, you'll sell more records here per capita I think than almost anywhere else really.

BERNARD: Yeah, I was just saying to Johnny at the end, just before the record was playing, on the first album release, we didn't really come to Toronto, and I was just wondering why we didn't do it, 'cause we just get such great response from people here. And I've always had great gigs here with NEW ORDER, really good everytime, really enjoyed it.

KIM: And you've played a lot of different venues here over the years, I know for a fact you have!

BERNARD: Yeah! I like that...what's that game you play over here...

KIM: Baseball..?

BERNARD: Baseball, yeah. Was going to say cricket there...

[Laughter.]

BERNARD: That baseball stadium, that's a great place.

KIM: You've played Varsity Arena, or Varsity Stadium...

BERNARD: Yeah, really good...

KIM: Kingswood...um...CNE Grandstand...Kingswood... Anyways, back to the crowd. Questions for Johnny and Bernard...

Q6: This is directed to Johnny Marr. This is a million dollar question. It said in Select Magazine that, I guess this was last year, that you might in time maybe get together with Morrissey...

[Groaning from the audience.]

JOHNNY: Sometime...

Q6: I know it's bad, but...

JOHNNY: Only this morning, I saw the most incredible cloud formation.

[Laughter.]

JOHNNY: It looked like a bird...

[A long silence, followed by laughter from the audience...]

SOMEONE IN AUDIENCE: Good answer!

JOHNNY: Well, to be serious...

BERNARD: He's going to get his gun, Johnny, he's going to get his gun...

JOHNNY: To be serious, what it is...we don't have any plans to work together. I mean, that's the truth of it. And in the press, often, my true feelings don't really quite translate and, you know, I don't have any weirdness or weird feelings towards THE SMITHS or anything. I'm very very proud of everything we've done. But, see, this is what matters to me at the moment. And that's the end of it.

KIM: Okay. Any other questions, please go ahead.

Q7: This is for Johnny also. You've worked with THE THE on two of their records, but you weren't on the latest one. I wondering if you planned to do anymore work with Matt Johnson at all.

JOHNNY: I'd like to think that Matt and I could work together in the future. And, uh...I don't know, I have no idea... I feel that with THE THE, I did some really great work, and I was really pleased to be involved. The album Dusk I was particularly happy with, and I saw Matt pretty recently and I spoke to him a couple of weeks ago and he's working on a new record. And we still ring each other up and give each other a lot of encouragement, so that's cool. He's really happy for me doing what I'm doing, and I'm happy for him doing what he's doing, so...maybe.

KIM: Okay. Um...take one or two more.

Q8: Yeah, this is for Johnny. Um...

[Laughter.]

Q8: ...Again...

JOHNNY: I get all the hard ones.

BERNARD: What's that T-shirt you got on there..?

[More laughter.]

Q8: I just like to say I feel like...of British rock legends, I feel like I'm talking to one of the disciples of Jesus...

JOHNNY: Thank you very much...

SOMEONE IN AUDEINCE: Two of them!

JOHNNY: Cheers, thanks!

[Bernard laughs. The audience cheers.]

Q8: Yeah, two of them... But speaking to Johnny, you said that you met Bernard in 1982 and I was wondering if maybe THE SMITHS might have had some...break up because of the two of you wanting to collaborate and wanting to give us new music...

[Increasing laughter from the audience.]

BERNARD: (laughing) It's nothing to do with me!

[Even more laughing.]

BERNARD: Oh, it's my fault! What have I gotten myself involved in, eh..?

JOHNNY: Absolutely true! 100% true! He said to me, "You know, that stuff sounds really miserable, come down to disco."

[More laughter.]

JOHNNY: "Take some ecstacy."

[More laughter.]

JOHNNY: "...and you'll feel really good." And you know, he was right.

BERNARD: Get down with it...

JOHNNY: No, no. The split...I've never...it was nothing to do with any external forces really. It was just to do with my feelings about what we've become as people and particularly myself, and it was very very unhealthy, and I just felt a sense that something very tragic was going to happen any minute, and so before it did, I just got out of there. And I thought it was the healthiest thing for the four of us if that was to happen.

KIM: With that in mind, you've both been around long enough to have seen...what's the most outrageous thing you've ever read about yourself?

JOHNNY: I try not to read anything about myself to be honest.

BERNARD: A journalist said that the album took so long because you were in rehab.

JOHNNY: Oh yeah, that's right...which is pretty bizarre. That actually quite surprised me when he said that. But it actually makes me sound more interesting than I am really. So I said, "Continue with the rumor, you know...it's fine." I think there's been some wild ones. I just put them out of my mind if I read anything that I don't really think is truth.

KIM: Okay. We'll take one final question and...uh...two final questions...quick, very quick...

JOHNNY: Someone ask Bernard a hard one.

KIM: Go ahead, please...

Q9: This one's not for Bernard, it's for Johnny. But...

[Laughter.]

BERNARD: Please ask me a question...

Q9: But before I say...I just want to say that you both have really distinct styles, and when you come together, you're mixing two incredible styles and I think ELECTRONIC's a great project. My question to you, Johnny, is what ever happened to the Ian McCulloch work that you guys did...that stolen record or whatever..?

JOHNNY: Yeah, that was really bizarre. You're the first person to ask me that question... And even Ian didn't ask me that question.

[Laughter.]

JOHNNY: I told him that it's in the post. He needed to make a record and he was trying to sort of find his feet. We were introduced by a mutual friend of ours and I wrote some songs for him, and a couple of them I think ended up on the ELECTROFIXATION record. And what's really bizarre, I sent the tapes over to Liverpool, and they got stolen...which is amazing...

[Laughter.]

JOHNNY: No, I don't mean that. But, that's Liverpool for you.

BERNARD: You'd expect it if you come from Liverpool where that sort of thing happens all the time.

JOHNNY: It does, yeah.

Q10: I was wondering why the absence of lyrics on the CD's, and especially for NEW ORDER, why the absence.

BERNARD: Well, actually, on this album, I wanted to put my lyrics on the cover but Johnny wouldn't let me.

[Snickering.]

BERNARD: No, the graphic designer wouldn't let me because he wanted a nice clean product. It's quite good if you listen to an album and you interpret the lyrics. And even if you get lyrics that I haven't written, and you change them a bit, I think it's quite interesting. I don't know...I don't know. Writing lyrics is kind of like exposing yourself to the world and it's like showing people what you think inside your mind. And I guess to go one stage further I feel a little uncomfortable with actually putting it on the cover of the album and everyone can read precisely what I'm saying. I feel a little bit uncomfortable with that as a person, but hey, that's me.

KIM: Well, on that note, this has been about the most fun 45 minutes I've had the pleasure of spending in a long time...

[Lots of cheering.]

JOHNNY: And same for us too as well actually.

KIM: I just want to thank you guys and everyone who came out. It made it so much more fun. It's really been a pleasure having you. I wish you the best of success with the album. Please consider touring and more albums soon. Thank you. Here's music from ELECTRONIC on 102.1 The Edge...

["For You"]

Broadcast on CFNY 102.1 FM (Toronto) on "Live In Toronto" - Thursday, July 18, 1996.

#electronic #bernard sumner #johnny marr #text #not quite sure what the best way to post these longer text based interviews but I'll figure something out

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dog-day-morning · 3 years

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WRONG MESSIAH WRONG PEOPLE Acts 1:1-14 Israel is run by gentiles who are not Israelite by blood. They call themselves Jews by declaration not by lineage. Jews are in the midst of casting out God's chosen people from Israel for fear of the prophetic word that states these Edomite gentiles, along with an admixture of the people of Alkebulan’s (Israel), whose DNA the Father anointed has blessed them will bow down, and worship at our feet. They fear the truth knowing we’ve determined the lies they’ve told us were intended to hide our identity from us, and the world out of hatred. The Jewish holocaust lasted for 4yrs whereas the curses of Deuteronomy have lasted 400yrs, and counting. No other tribe of people has suffered like the Israelites according to the curses, and accounts in Deuteronomy 28 save a peculiar people. And it shall come to pass, that as the Lord rejoiced over you to do you good, and to multiply you; so the Lord will rejoice over you to destroy you, and to bring you to nought; and ye shall be plucked from off the land whither thou goest to possess it. And the Lord shall scatter thee among all people, from the one end of the earth even unto the other; and there thou shalt serve other gods, which neither thou nor thy fathers have known, even wood and stone. This is why I don't worship other religious faiths or religions. I'm cautious when it comes to Christianity knowing the deviltry of man, and the depths he will go, and has in order to maintain his stranglehold on us as a people. What allows a person to never be held accountable for their sins on Earth, but makes a race or tribe of people the burden bearer for all of Earth's iniquity? The devil is an accuser whose minions are fearful of the word manifesting in this generation. What we see on display isn't just a show of rebellion, but a fear of an arrogant people losing their position in the Earth which was only meant to be temporary, but in truth it wasn't meant to be at all. If 5 Black males congregate on a street corner it puts fear, spite, and hatred in the hearts of the so-called fragile psyche of those who want to control us. They call the Police in the hope of getting innocent people arrested or murdered. But 200 members of the proud boys can march through Urban Philadelphia in a show of defiance with Police protection, and nobody confronts them except a different breed of Black, Brown, and white people who are not like their fathers of old who relish in the thought of sending Jethro back to the woods with the rest of the hood boogers. The Jewish cabal worships Satan in the literal sense. They are the Devils cronies who know their time is up. Therefore rejoice, ye heavens, and ye that dwell in them. Woe to the inhabiters of the earth and of the sea! for the devil is come down unto you, having great wrath, because he knoweth that he hath but a short time. They understand that the God of our fathers isn't playing games. If you ascribe this to my person as I’ve done in theory, how can God's 2 faithful witnesses see the Son of God and His Father if their hearts hadn't been tried like some of you? Revelation 11:3-13 3 And I will give power unto my two witnesses, and they shall prophesy a thousand two hundred and threescore days, clothed in sackcloth. 4 These are the two olive trees, and the two candlesticks standing before the God of the earth. 5 And if any man will hurt them, fire proceedeth out of their mouth, and devoureth their enemies: and if any man will hurt them, he must in this manner be killed. 6 These have power to shut heaven, that it rain not in the days of their prophecy: and have power over waters to turn them to blood, and to smite the earth with all plagues, as often as they will. 7 And when they shall have finished their testimony, the beast that ascendeth out of the bottomless pit shall make war against them, and shall overcome them, and kill them. 8 And their dead bodies shall lie in the street of the great city, which spiritually is called Sodom and Egypt, where also our Lord was crucified. 9 And they of the

people and kindreds and tongues and nations shall see their dead bodies three days and an half, and shall not suffer their dead bodies to be put in graves. 10 And they that dwell upon the earth shall rejoice over them, and make merry, and shall send gifts one to another; because these two prophets tormented them that dwelt on the earth. 11 And after three days and an half the spirit of life from God entered into them, and they stood upon their feet; and great fear fell upon them which saw them. 12 And they heard a great voice from heaven saying unto them, Come up hither. And they ascended up to heaven in a cloud; and their enemies beheld them. 13 And the same hour was there a great earthquake, and the tenth part of the city fell, and in the earthquake were slain of men seven thousand: and the remnant were affrighted, and gave glory to the God of heaven. The God of Israel has decreed this. The Jews in Israel will suffer a harsh penalty for their crimes against the Nigerian, Igbo Israelites, the Ethiopian Beta Israelites, the Ugandan Abayudaya, and other sects of Israelite people including the American tribal people of Ghana Africa (Judah), Gad (Native American), Reuben (Aboriginal Australian), and Issachar (Mexican South American descendants.) They are deporting the Yisraelites in Alkebulan out of Yisrael as though this can inundate God's plan. You’re bringing God to a higher and greater glory, fulfilling the promises He made to His people in this day for this generation. Joshua 24:13 13 And I have given you a land for which ye did not labour, and cities which ye built not, and ye dwell in them; of the vineyards and olive yards which ye planted not do ye eat. It’s a shame to construct a global economy only to be denied the American dream; it's a nightmare. For those that cater to the State of Israel like some Congressmen, and women who are Edomite Jews that are not willing to put in place a reparations plan for the ADOS, FBA, and all indigenous people of North America based on the Western Nations financing of the temporary inhabitants of Israel is an injustice to humanity. Our oppressor isn’t going to give up his throne or authority willingly, he’s drunk with it. Look to God to deliver us not man, especially those who historically have shown their extreme distaste and revulsion for us. God tells us: If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land. God foreknew, He's all knowing, and all seeing. If one of them were to cosign a reparations bill for Black people they would’ve been found dead inside their congressional office within days or maybe hours. When your own people who look as you do, but think according to their massa’s will, in order to live a season of sin with the wicked advocating for the gentiles who live off our promised inheritance, and this nonphysical, hidden, unseen, but shrewd, devious bit of craft called white privilege, that Black people who believe in Yeshua spiritually call favor with God. What this microwave generation has asserted, and addressed as privilege in actuality is sinister, and diabolical. It's a Janus-like, double minded, spirit of torment that has caused a lot of agony to a people they refuse to relinquish that will bring a harsh judgment to them and the Earth, and yes, I’m paying my price. The people of Canaan were destroyed after having knowledge of the true living God. The Father isn't one who relishes in the spilling of innocent blood. He will always send you a warning before calamity comes to your doorstep. He's been doing it for the last 2,000 years. Like the Egyptians they refused to believe in the God the Israelites praised, and worshipped thinking He finds favor in them who shed innocent blood. This is the situation we find the Earth in once more with the Israelites who this time are being forced out of their homeland waiting for a deliverer. The people that lived in Canaan were not ignorant of

the God of Israel. Many times the impression is given that God ordered the Israelites to swoop in and destroy innocent people. But these people were neither innocent nor ignorant. They had heard about the God of Israel; it was they who rejected Him. When the 2 spies were sent to spy out the Land of Promise they were told by Rahab the prostitute: Joshua 2:9-11 9 And she said unto the men, I know that the Lord hath given you the land, and that your terror is fallen upon us, and that all the inhabitants of the land faint because of you. 10 For we have heard how the Lord dried up the water of the Red sea for you, when ye came out of Egypt; and what ye did unto the two kings of the Amorites, that were on the other side Jordan, Sihon and Og, whom ye utterly destroyed. 11 And as soon as we had heard these things, our hearts did melt, neither did there remain any more courage in any man, because of you: for the Lord your God, he is God in heaven above, and in earth beneath. They had heard of the true God but had rejected Him. Consequently, their entire society acted in a sinful way. The Apostle Paul spoke of these people: Though they knew God they refused to believe let alone acknowledge Him as the true living God. The Father let their minds become reprobate following their flesh. What comes good of the flesh people? Nothing. They were shapen in iniquity, and in sin did their mothers conceive them. Israel is the biggest Nation on Earth that supports the Trans community being led by a morbidly, corrupted government overrun with rampant homosexuality, and like Amerikkka they endorse pedophilia. Of all the Nations on the Earth, Israel ranks number one in unnatural sex, and relations more so than the United States of Amerikkka, and Amerikkka’s European counterparts. When Jews here in the states get arrested for unlawful sexual acts committed against children those who have convenient connections are able to seek refuge, and fly to Israel fleeing prosecution. Oftentimes this is warranted, by US gov’t protection agencies who assist them in their transition back to Israel. Larry Nassar whose last name is Jewish, but they claim him not. The faith he was raised in makes him a Catholic which reeks of corruption, and entitlement that exceeds the realm of sexually deviant malfeasance executed by this religious sect that historically has gotten away with the most egregious sins committed against God's innocent ones. The FBIs handling of his high profile case was a case study in buffoonery, and an insane margin of flexibility that cannot be explained to a person of a simple mind. Hopefully this gov’t will learn which is doubtful. Pray that the payoff of a high monetary lawsuit will make the US government look at this flawed system, and send Goober Pyle back to law school or a police precinct to learn how to do his job. This is not privilege, it’s sin. Romans 1:21-25 21 Because that, when they knew God, they glorified him not as God, neither were thankful; but became vain in their imaginations, and their foolish heart was darkened. 22 Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools, 23 And changed the glory of the uncorruptible God into an image made like to corruptible man, and to birds, and four footed beasts, and creeping things. 24 Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves: 25 Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen. The inhabitants of Canaan were neither ignorant nor innocent victims of an angry God. They were committing these terrible sins being fully aware of the true and living God. Because they rejected Him, God judged them harshly. How do you explain the people of Israel, Amerikkka, Europe, and the rest of the West in this day and time? You can't without condemning them, and the rest of humanity which the Father had all authority to do. Instead, He sent His Son to die for Yisrael whom we rejected giving the

gentiles a pathway to His Kindome. Why do you refuse to accept His truth? Forgiving a jackass is like storing wine in old wineskins or plastic garbage bags. The messenger has made your hearts cold, and bitter towards the Father, and His Son Yeshua? Learn from us, and prepare for a New World in its natural order of things because this right here ain't it. Good evening people, Elohim 9/25/2021

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cr-darksienna · 3 years

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hello hello! i’m here to bring you an idol group’s absolutely trash of a leader, rapper and vocal, jeong jaehyuk. he’s a jack of all trades, master of none with a bit of an anger streak and anger issues that he’s been learning over the years to handle. darkly charismatic and with a open history due to a big scandal that he had few months into riot’s debut, hyuk is a performer with a 150% effort and attitude, living like he can burn out in a single day and not live to see the next sunrise tomorrow. incorrigible, possessive and with a slightly petty streak, he’s not one to pull his punches (esp with his members) with anyone that offends him, though he’s been taming himself under bc’s watchful eye until more recently. call him a cesspool of moral filth or a festering pool of toxicity, he’s as deeply insecured behind his antagonistic nature, and has worked ten times as hard for 13 years in his company to get himself to where he kinda is in right now, neither here nor there, halted in his steps by a company that feels he’s not up to it due to his loose handle on emotions and a desperate attempt to quell down on the various scandals that knight has had.

his company has played into the image of the bad boy of the group for him, especially after his first (and only) scandal, and he plans to make the most of it, especially with the reins now loosened on his end. he’s spent quite the time being a tamed tiger, and isn’t going to hesitate upon wreaking havoc once he’s been let loosened.

do hit the like button if you’d like to plot with him, and i’ll pop into your discords / dms! hyuk’s a muse that i prefer brainstorming for instead of having plots ahead of time, so feel free to go ahead and throw anything in his direction when we discuss!

profile / background

about stuff : (tw: abandonment, anger issues, violence)

he says he doesn’t have parents, which is partially true, considering he spent almost all of his life in the foster care system, until he aged out at 18. being bounced around from foster house to foster house in the adoption system didn’t do well for his own personality and view about himself, and he came away with a really bad anger streak and violent tendencies, especially when someone tries to poke him / agitates him.

if he wasn’t an idol, hyuk would have gone on to do some petty crimes, because prior to the age of 13 (when he was casted by bc for his face), he was sliding towards the dark side of the law, running from school, getting into street fights, doing little things that never set a juvenile record, but still wasn’t all that clean either.

he was casted one day when running away from school when he was 13 (his results needless to say were trash), and was offered a contract because of his face. his company was looking for someone with similar vibes to his own, and was willing to train him as long as he remained committed to the trainee path. he took up the offer with the insistence of his then foster mother--the orphanage’s owner, who honestly couldn’t wait to get rid of him, due to all the trouble he made.

so jaehyuk became a trainee just through a scrape of luck--his rapping skills were pretty okay, and so were his vocals, and bc felt as though they could polish him more if he did became a trainee, and so he started 13 years of his trainee life. being a trainee actually directed a lot of his excess energy from his angered self into his personal commitment to master a single thing--and he eventually became known amongst trainees as one of the most competitive, even if he wasn’t the best at what he did.

he was like a blackhole, constantly desperate to learn, and when he learned something, he was equally as desperate to master it, just doing things in the way that he knew how to do--and that was to knock on it until he either punched a hole through and understood it, or the door opened on itself for him. rapping became that particular outlet that he felt he moderately achieved some success with, but it wasn’t enough.

hungry for more he turned his eyes to producing, composing, even took acting classes and variety classes, just to fill that gaping hole of inadequacy that he felt made him out to be just not enough. while he knows he’s not the best, he’s proud of his unique vision for performance, and is pretty insistent about his artistic vision, which he gradually found a talent for.

but well. its not enough. he wanted--no he needed more.

and so when riot came and he became their leader by some crappy stroke of fate, he set what he felt was the lowest boundary for all of their members : respect each other, give your best to all that you do for riot, if not, i will sock you in the face. from the beginning, hyuk was very clear that he wouldn’t be the best leader, because he knew he had more than enough flaws in himself, and even felt that he lacked the qualifications to be one, but since his own fate relied on riot being successful, he expected everyone else in the group to at the very least, treat it with the same respect and effort he does, because one way or another they’re all in this whole thing together.

funny thing is: a few months after their debut and their first scandal (that wasn’t his), he lands himself in hot water for a violence scandal, having punched a male bystander in anger. bc was chagrined enough to put him on notice and probation for a while, and desperate to claim back a bit of a credibility, a press conference was held for him to apologise publically.

hyuk abandoned his pride (for various personal reasons as well) that day and went on his hands and knees in front of the reporters, apologising for his scandal and promising to be a better person. unfortunately, that sealed quite a lot of opportunities for him from his company.

his company felt that he needed to get a better grip on his emotions and anger issues before coming out again to the public in other areas apart from his group, and so he wasn’t able to do any variety or act , or even produce any songs (he still wrote lyrics and produced for his group occasionally, and could still produce his own songs, but those songs he produced wouldn’t be selected for a solo), and so to pacify his company hyuk literally abstained from creating another scandal from himself (though he did still cause a bit of problems in his own group), and held himself back until much recently. apart from that, his company publically disclosed much of his history and background to the public--thus rendering it open knowledge that hyuk was an orphan (abandoned by his mother), and from the foster care system, with a slight history of not going well in school etc.

his image is not particularly clean and bright, instead he’s known for the nitty gritty stuff, of which most of his fans have taken to his bad boy image, liking to imagine him to a particular trope because of his apparently rather cute face.

some plot ideas:

he’s a lone wolf by nature, and so he has little (only 2) friends around him, unless you’re mostly from bc and have trained with him for a set amount and a good period of time. these are the people that know him the best, who sees past that angry battered child inside of him to the blackhole that’s yearning for approval and desperate to make himself feel whole again. they’ve seen his self destructive tendencies, watched him careen over the edge and violently fall, do things that he knows clearly isn’t good for him and then suffer the repercussions all over again. ( note: cannot be from his group..he probably doesn’t have a good relationship with most of the riot members)

exes, flings, fwbs : god, he has so many. none of them are consistent, and none of them last between a month to two months really. he simply treats them as if there’s no option of anything further beyond just the wrestle of bodies in bedsheets, and the fierce scratch of his nails against their backs. more often than not, its not him that gets hurt, because he has the tendency to leave before anything further happens. has he fallen for any of them before? probably not. only one, really. don’t get your hopes up, he tells them with a cigarette dangling from his lips and puffs of smoke in the air. because he’s just nothing but the biggest jerk when it comes to feelings and relationships.

the bad influence: he does a lot of vices, from smoking to drinking, to just..a lot of things that most people won’t attempt to try, chasing after that fleeting moment of a thrill and desire. perhaps you’re looking for a kindred spirit who likes the thrill of danger as you do, or you’d like him to spoil you for the worse things in life, open a door to destroy and ruin you completely just like he feels that he’s done to himself.

rivals: ...yeah i don’t think i need to say more, because he’s someone that rises up to the challenge so fully and completely its almost as if he’s itching to have a fight or a challenge. perhaps he’s punched you before, or you differ in your philosophies and values, one way or another, it’s hyuk’s fault that he’s offended you, and you’re both just going to go down because of it.

connection:

the girl he’s in love with (possibly his endgame ; arnd 26 yrs old?) : an idol from a group as well, she’s one of his few closest friends, and he’s known her for around 13 years. they have a on & off friends with benefits thing, with him meeting her after she left his company for 10 years. he’s the one she always gravitates to back again, and they’re equally, broken, twisted and carnal--that’s why they’re perfect for each other, since they’re the only ones that can take and survive each other.

#//: ooc : bleh bleh bleh bleh :d

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alloutofgoddesses · 3 years

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List 10 different female faves from 10 different fandoms

I got tagged by my fav @daniwouldnever! Thank you I’m very excited and honoured. I will admit that this was more difficult than expected. Anyway, in no particular order...

1. Charlie Bradbury - Supernatural

Charlie was the first lesbian I ever saw on screen. She was nerdy and brilliant and a redhead and a total fucking badass. I knew I liked her from the moment she started dancing in the elevator, but was completely in love with her by the time she said “I’m the one who saves damsels in distress around here.” I was able to find myself through Charlie, and I will forever be grateful for that. Also she looks like she gives really good hugs, which is always a required factor of being a fave of mine.

2. Sadie Kane- The Kane Chronicles

Egyptian gods I love this girl. I think when the first book came out I was only one or two years younger than her and I idolized her. Her sass and constant teasing of her polar opposite brother were very familiar to me. I desperately wanted to be able to dye streaks in my hair like her and wear ‘punk’ clothes. What I love the most about Sadie though is her heart. She puts up a very tough front but she wears her heart on her shoulder and would do anything for those she cares about. No offence to her author but my headcanon is that she’s definitely a lesbian experiencing some hardcore comphet. For her sake I hope it wasn’t too hard breaking up with her god boyfriend once she figured it out.

3. Anne Shirley - Anne of Green Gables

For those that aren’t aware, I’m named after this one. It’s my middle name, yeah, but with four letters my mother managed to manifest a daughter with pretty much the exact same personality as the tenacious redhead from Green Gables. Honestly, I don’t mind one bit. If I had to choose a character to be kindred spirits with, it’d be Anne.

4. Draculaura - Monster High

She’s pink! She sleeps in a coffin! Her style is to die for! She was the first Monster High doll I ever owned! She’s pink! She drinks vegan smoothies and cries easily when she’s frustrated! Draculaura is kind and welcoming and has untreated ADHD! I just really love her okay I get excited.

5. General Leia Organa - Star Wars

I mean. It’s Leia Organa why do I have to explain? She’s smarter than her brother and (ex?) husband combined. She’s the prettiest woman in space. While Charlie was the first lesbian I saw, the Princess was my gay awakening. (With help from Padme too)

6. Nile Freeman - The Old Guard

Again. Why do I have to explain. I love everything about her and every second she’s on screen, but my favourite moment comes after her fight with Andy on the plane. She’s been killed, kidnapped, killed again, had her faith called bullshit, gotten into a fight, had bones broken that healed in seconds, just generally had the rug pulled from beneath her feet in every conceivable way and her external freak out lasts what... thirty seconds? Before she allows Andy to pull her up. Nile’s strength and compartmentalization is insane. She knows it’s not time for her to have a full breakdown, so she doesn’t. She comes from warriors indeed.

7. Elena Alvarez - One Day At A Time

Ah Elena. Similar ages, sexuality, interests, fathers. I just like her. She’s extremely relatable, and I can’t watch certain episodes without bawling.

8. Marceline the Vampire Queen - Adventure Time

As we have established I like vampires. Of all shapes and sizes. They tend to come with tragic backstories and Marceline kind of takes the cake in that regard. She’s very sentimental! She’s mischievous and sings! Her girlfriend is literally Bubblegum!

9. Aurora/Briar Rose - Sleeping Beauty

Okay, hear me out. A lot of people don’t really like Sleeping Beauty, but I’m here to tell you why Aurora is actually one of the best Disney princesses. 1. She doesn’t even have to do much, she just sleeps for a century. I wish I could do that. 2. She has not one, but two beautiful names. 3. Three fairy godmothers. 4. The solution to the blue/pink debacle is purple I just don’t think Flora and Merryweather would listen to me. 5. Have you heard the original ‘Once Upon A Dream’? That song has drugs in it. 6. Maleficent.

10. Poison Ivy - DC Comics

With the third redhead on the list I can admit I have a type. Sue me, I like gingers. And sexy eco-terrorists who date insane clowns. She just wants to protect the environment, I don’t see what the problem is.

Alright, I’m outta here. Feel free to participate, especially if you’re: @no-url-idea-tho @thanksgiving-isnt-ur-fav-holiday @little-bird-of-wisdom-2215 @fueledbyprocrastination

#tag games #b rambles #yes I finished this at 2:30 in the morning

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a-mythical-lady · 3 years

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Books and me.

14 years ago

(Age: 7)

It was bedtime and maa had just made my bed when I heard the front door open. Papa was home from work and I could hear bhai running to see papa and tell him random stuff. I bet papa listened to everything, despite being tired. After that, he came to my room, "Look what I got you" he said, and extended a book to me. I was confused as he had never brought me a book before. It was a book called Panchatantra. A story of an old rishi who gives life lessons to his five shishyas at the gurukul through stories about nature and animals. I was excited about getting my first book and begrudgingly, maa let me stay up later than usual. That night, sprawled on my bed, I was entranced and fascinated by all the different stories and scenes and talking animals. The next morning, I woke up by myself and finished the entire book by noon.

The next thing I know, I'm collecting comics and storybooks and getting addicted to them. Piling up tinkle comics, Archie's and Amar Chitra Katha was my only goal. Every train journey to my native place involved dragging papa to the railway station bookstore and getting myself a comic book for the train ride. I begged my parents to subscribe to storybooks along with the daily morning newspaper, and they relented after a lot of coaxing. Then, every Monday morning I'd wait eagerly for the newspaper boy to deliver my weekly dose of happiness with books of chacha Choudary, chandamama, and champak. Soon, this became an obsession that even my parents started noticing. Maa began hiding my copies of storybooks during the exams and giving them back only after all my exams were done. I began pestering papa to get me more and more books every day. Sometimes he would get me a double digest edition of tinkle and I'd be ecstatic and over the moon. It's amazing how something so small and silly used to make me so happy. I'd re-read the same books once I'd gone through my entire stash of new books. Out of desperation, I'd read anything I could lay my hands on. In school, we used to get all our term textbooks a month before the reopening of a new academic year and my English textbooks fell prey to this obsession of mine. I'd know all the lessons and stories by heart before the school year started. I think that was one of the reasons for the nerd label I got in school. I even started reading stories from the Bible, borrowing storybooks from another girl in my neighborhood. Little did I know that this was only the beginning.

10 years ago

(Age: 11)

One fine summer afternoon, bhai was busy watching tv in the living room and maa and papa were at work. We had free rein on the tv as it was the summer holidays and I had free rein on my books. I was lazing around in my room and started searching the entire house for something new to read. And finally, I found a book among bhai's things. It was probably a gift. It wasn't a comic book or a usual storybook. This one was an actual book. A novel. And it had no pictures. I was skeptical but boredom got the best of me and I decided to read a few pages to pass the time. It was a hardy boys book, written by Franklin W Dixon. After reading a few pages, my 11-year-old brain almost exploded with fascination. The style of writing, the mystery, the suspense of the entire book drew me in completely and I knew then, this was a turning point in my life where books are concerned. I felt almost grown-up. And so I read the 200 page novel with wide eyes and a bursting heart in 3 hours, without even getting up to pee. I went and told bhai about the new book I read. He laughed it off. I told maa and papa when they came back from work. "That's good beta", they said. I was disappointed that they didn't feel the same exhilaration that I did. Papa still got my books whenever I asked him. For the second time, I found myself collecting and piling up books. All of the hardy boys and Nancy drew collections. Once again, I was entranced, trapped yet alive like never before in a whole new world.

After that, a multitude of options lay before me. I dived headfirst into reading mystery and moved onto classics written by Charles Dickens, The Bronté sisters, Mary Shelly, and even a dash of Shakespeare. I fell in love with David Copperfield, Oliver twist, treasure island, Jane Eyre and Frankenstein.

But eventually, buying books so often became a chore and at the pace I was reading, with one book hardly lasting a day, we couldn't afford to buy as many books. So, then one day, maa and I set out on a goose chase all over the city looking for libraries where I could borrow books from. At last, we found an old government library inside an even older building that looked almost haunted. And as we bravely stepped into the barely holding up building, we only found old uncles reading newspapers and gossiping. Thankfully, there was a rack of English fiction. Just one single rack. Although mildly disappointed, I was determined to make do with that. I got myself a membership plan and my reading palette had its first taste of Indian authors. That one rack had a fair collection of young adult books, standalone contemporary novels which sated my hunger for quite some time. While other people gushed over my habit of reading books, my parents were a little concerned. But as I started writing my own speeches in school, improved in my speaking skills, I'm sure they were convinced and over time, I think they accepted this obsession of mine. Or at the very least, were forced to.

6 years ago.

(Age: 15)

My love for reading only grew and now I had a book beside me during breakfast, lunch, and dinner which my parents barely tolerated. I even started planting a book in every corner of my house for easy access, under the coffee table, by my bed, on my study table. While kids my age sneaked mobile phones under their pillows, I sneaked in books to read.

After a few years, I finally met a kindred spirit with a shared love for reading. He was older than me and introduced me to books by Dan Brown. I listened with rapt attention to the plot of the book and I immediately knew that my days of reading hardy boys and young adult books were over. It's crazy how transitioning between genres and different types of books made me feel older and mature over the years. Few pages into the Da Vinci code and I fell, hook, line, and sinker. I finished the entire 500-page book in a day. Back then, I was pretty adamant about having my own copies of books and collecting them, which I guess stemmed from my childhood obsession with collecting comics. Soon, I'd exhausted the books at the old library and had no other option but to trade in my precious books for second-hand books at a wholesale book store very far away from home. Because they were at a secondhand rate, I could now afford more books and although the pages were worn out and yellowed, I was happy. The already folded pages, notes in the corners of some pages jotted down by the previous owner made me feel oddly connected and attached.

Present-day

(Age: 21)

As I grew up and left my teenage years behind, life and boards got in my way and there were gaps when I couldn't read no matter how hard I tried. But once I found my way back to books. I knew what I was missing and knew that I would never stop reading again. I still read books by Dan Brown, Sydney Sheldon, and Nora Roberts. I found quite a few talented Indian authors. Books by Durjoy Dutta and Ravinder Singh made me fall in love with contemporary romance and light humor. I've moved on to reading books on my phone now. I miss turning pages of an actual book, but on the bright side, I get to read countless books anytime and anywhere I want. I've explored many genres over the years, murder and crime thrillers, romance, contemporary, dark fiction, and comedy, and read them accordingly when the mood strikes.

If there's one thing that has been a constant through my childhood, it has been books. Reading is a huge part of my life and very close to my heart. Words and writing mean so much to me. Books have been my solace, my safe place, my companions as I grew up, my fantasy land, and my hiding place all rolled into one. I've cried, loved, smiled, and laughed with books and I can't describe how utterly grateful I am to maa and papa for getting me my first book when I was just 7 and letting me explore my love for reading.

Although, there's one thing I'd like to admit. There's this one genre that I've never read - non-fiction and strangely, I'm still very skeptical about it. But you never know, over time I might come to like that as well!

MAJ

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lucy-ghoul · 3 years

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Mikasa Ackermann, Levi Ackermann, Amane Misa, Aeron Greyjoy for the charactet ask :3

SOMEONE HEARD MY PRAYERS AND NOW MY TIME HAS COME, tysm!!!!! <3

okay, let's start with levi (my beloved):

hogwarts house: gryffindor (maybe....?) | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuff

ugh, the hp sorting house system is way too reductive. he has qualities of gryffindor, slytherin, and hufflepuff - brave, astute, loyal to a fault, etc. so it's a hard choice. but if i really have to choose, i'd go for gryffindor. i know that his Bad Boy facade shouts slytherin, but while he has larger goals (killing all the titans, then saving the world etc.), he's got no actual ambition for himself. hufflepuff would also be a good option.

daemon (from the his dark materials series): (because i've just decided that's just way more accurate than the hp method) some kind of big feline. maybe a panther - a black panther would be the ideal - aloof, predatory, dangerous, fiercely independent.

best quality: besides his obvious strenghts as a leader and warrior, the way he cares for his comrades-in-arms. it's very hard to gain his trust and respect, but once you have it, it's forever. he's pragmatic and ruthless, yes, but he also has a huge capacity for compassion and friendship. not that he would be effusive about his affections, of course.

worst quality: none, he's absolutely perfect ❤ jklsdfhjk jokes aside, he really struggles to open up (a serious understatement), idt he ever talked about his traumatic past with anyone. i mean, maybe he mentioned it to hange and erwin (erwin knew him when he was still an undergound thug, so...), but... he's not great with feelings. despite his apathetic, intimidating mask, he feels and cares deeply, but he has a long history with losing the people he loves, so he tries to not personally care about his squadmates, which can be both a strenght and a weakness. of course, he spectacularly fails at this.

ship them with: well, it's not a secret that i'm a huge rivamika fan, this ship is almost literally consuming my waking thoughts lmao. imo they're perfectly compatible: very similar personalities (stoic, the strongest warriors, absolutely terrifying on the battlefield but with a soft underbelly), very similar pasts/experiences, so many parallels that it's actually ridiculous, etc. i love how they're both each other's equals and likeness (yes, i took it from jane eyre. no, i don't regret anything lmao). a lot of tropes i love, too: Terrible First Impression (the Pride and Prejudice vibes are so strong with these two, you have no idea), Kindred Spirits/Mirror Images, Veteran/Young Prodigy, The Last of Their Kind, even Height Difference lmao. i could write a whole rivamika manifesto, but this is already too long. (maybe for some other time 👀) i would've loved for their dynamic to be more explored in canon but alas, isayama clearly didn't give a shit about the ackerman legacy, he just used it as a plot shortcut to give them conveniently unique powers, since they never really talked about it 🙄 (and before some troll comes into my askbox shouting "you iNcEsT fReAk!!!!1!!", they're only very distantly related. we know shit about the ackermans but we know for sure that they've got at least several generations between them. biologically their shared DNA is 0%, obviously they don't see each other as family, all the eldians have a dead ass common ancestor from 2000 years ago so they're all basically ⁓related anyway. if you really wanna scream about i.ncest, go watch got/dark/the borgias and shut the fuck up please. or alternatively go outside and touch some grass) sorry for the rant, uh. anyway, i can also see levi/erwin. idk if i'd ever care enough to read a fic about them (i'm usually a huge multishipper, but for some weird reason not when it comes to rivamika? same with braime and kastle tbh), but still, i can see it.

brotp them with: hange and erwin, obv. veteran trio >>> ema trio, sorry not sorry (at least h. and e. died before yams had the chance to ruin their character arcs)

needs to stay away from: ...uh, filth, i guess? lmao

misc. thoughts: besides the stupid teenage fangirl crush i have on him, i'm genuinely fascinated by the man himself. he's a huge mess of a contradictions, and yet somehow it works: he's violent and brash and kind of an asshole, but also has a strong moral code and integrity; he's obv very skilled at all the killing/torturing stuff and yet he has a huge respect for life; he's got a potty mouth to say the least, and yet some very aristocratic manners/tastes (the way he sits, his preference for tea and usually refined clothes); he comes from what's supposed to be an illustrous bloodline, he's methodical and very precise, and yet he was born and raised in the underground, he's been used to filth and blood and poverty since he was a child, kenny of all people was his father figure, and probably has known no other life than a perennial survival mode existence. he's "humanity's strongest soldier", but while well-built he's also small, the david to the titans' goliah, and probably not what people would assume a born warrior looks like. he's also one of the few characters who stayed true to himself and his original characterization until the end, bless you smol king ❤

(okay, this is getting long!)

mikasa:

hogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuff

this is actually easy: mikasa belongs to hufflepuff and no, i won't take criticism (just joking lol). enough with this "hufflepuffs are fluffy puppies/Cinnamon Rolls <3" thing: mikasa values loyalty and duty more than anything else. she's also hardworking... and fierce, strong, lethal. yes, hufflepuff and lethal are not mutually exclusive concepts.

daemon: (finally the better option) a she-wolf, fiercely protective of her pack.

best quality: loyal, brave, incredibly strong (alongside her more fragile qualities). practical and level-headed on the battlefield, at least when eren is not included in the picture.

worst quality: struggles to let go of the past (understandable, considering her trauma). tunnel-vision when it comes to eren, obv. extreme levels of delusions ("if only i spoke openly about my romantic feelings for him - as if i didn't made them abundantly clear in ⁓6 years - he wouldn't kill 80% of humanity :(((" lmao okay. just. okay), but that's more on the writing. she's sadly more static than any other main character throughtout the whole series.

ship them with: see above :) but recently i've also started to be intrigued by mikasa/annie and mikasa/sasha. also, i'm sympathetic to jeankasa fans, though i don't actually care for the ship.

brotp them with: EMA trio, especially armin+mikasa. their friendship is so beautiful and special. also sasha.

needs to stay away from: ...... eren, at least romantically. again, that's more on the writing than anything else, but e.remika unfortunately encompasses many tropes i loathe with all the strength of my old shriveled heart: childhood friends-to lovers where the (male) childhood friend doesn't acknolewdge/is completely indifferent to the other (female) friend's romantic feelings, she hopelessly pines for him for years without anything more than a cold shoulder... until in the last chapter it's revealed that he loved her all along and doesn't "want other men to have her!!! :((" (then why did you have no reaction whatsoever to jean's years-long crush on her while she was jealous of any vaguely female-shaped human being you were friendly to, including hange? are you that dumb, man?); the female character's development and entire arc 100% revolves around the male protagonist - she has no goals, no dreams of her own except staying with him forever and ever; the romance is based on an idealized childhood dream, therefore reaffirming those childish illusions would make the character regress, not actually grow up (and nope, epilogue!jk doesn’t count; that also lacks build-up - i would’ve said the same about rm as well, so it’s not about shipping, guys, it really isn’t - and mikasa needed an inner change; getting married to another man but still praying to eren’s shrine is not substitute to actual development lol). post-time skip she's never really frustrated/angry with him, they never get a confrontation about him becoming a, y'know, mass-murderer of gigantic (pun intended) proportions; she puts him on a pedestal, and never stops idealizing him/never sees him for what he actually is (the narrative framing him as some kind of tragic martyr/saint eren from paradis with zero agency and basically... no clear motivation for the abovementioned mass murder, and not the actual complex tragic anti-hero/villain motivated by revenge and righteous fury he deserved to be, does not help). it lacks a good or even decent build-up - it's basically all tell and not show. now, if they'd actually been childhood friends to enemies to lovers/mutually co-dependent... it could have been interesting. sadly, it's not my cup of tea. of course this is just my personal preference, no hard feelings to the shippers.

misc. thoughts: enormous potential. she's been my fav female character since s1 - and ah, i miss s1!mikasa, when she had actually other stuff to do besides mothering eren. i love that she's the strongest warrior (second only to levi, obv), that her skills are never called into questions despite her gender, i love how she stands up for herself and the people she loves, that she may seem cold and stoic and yet has a such a huge heart, that she's not perfect but also sometimes awe-inspiring. sadly, she never really gets out of eren's shadow; what she lacks is an arc focused on herself. that's why imo getting deeper into the ackerman lore would've helped (also, you cannot make the main female character and the most popular male character descend from the same Unique Bloodline or whatever, and never really make them acknowledge it out loud; as a writer, you just can't lol). my spite is so strong that i'm currently writing a ridiculously pretentious fic that's 70% development for her character, to give her a voice, and 30% ackerthirsting. (yes, that's the fic i'm always vagueblogging about lmao, rip @ my brain). if any other rivamika fan is interested… mind you, it’s in italian tho, and idt i have the skills to translate into english.

misa:

hogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuff

daemon: mmh, maybe some kind of butterfly? beautiful, colorful, and short-lived.

best quality: glorious fashion sense, more inventive and ingenious than fans actually give her credit for.

worst quality: shallow, impulsive, and obv her dependence on/obsession with light (which stems from trauma btw, but still… the very opposite of a relationship between equals).

ship them with: rem, kinda (monster/human ftw!). also weirdly enough mogi, a little bit? she deserves someone who actually respects her… though she’s far from being a perfect angel. she may actually be crazier than light on some aspects. but in this house we stan evil ladies anyway, so i have no problem with that <3

brotp them with: uh, idk, maybe matsuda?

needs to stay away from: obv light. also takada.

misc. thoughts: a tragic victim of sexist writing. she may be… unhinged to say the least, but she didn’t deserve the abuse she got from light (and from the fans). the female characters’ writing in dn is so bad that idk if it’s on purpose, to kinda mirror the reality of women in a patriarchal society (dependent on men, housewives whose life entirely revolves around their husband/boyfriend etc.), or just casual misogyny lol. it’s even more baffling since we don’t know the author’s gender (they may be a man, a woman, nb, anything really). i tend for the latter option tho.

aegon greyjoy (now, i wasn’t expecting him lol):

hogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuff

i’m so sorry, i haven’t the slightest idea lmao. maybe gryffindor? mind you, it’s been a long time since i’ve re-read the books, so i don’t have many thoughts about him.

daemon: maybe it’s cliché, but some kind of fish/squid lmao

best quality: ugh, i really can’t remember much from his chapters :(( he’s not a coward, i guess? (lame answer, sorry!)

worst quality: definitely his religious fanaticism.

ship them with: no one.

brotp them with: uh… his family, ig? except euron.

needs to stay away from: obv euron. brr ://

misc. thoughts: i genuinely like the greyjoys chapters, though i vastly prefer the martells (with the exception of theon and asha, bcs i love them). yes, they’re deranged. yes, victarion is… well, victarion lol. but the drowned god religion is actually interesting, grrm knows how to write trauma - every time aeron mentions euron and that freaking door i’m like… :// - and the tragedy of it all… just great writing all around.

okay, that’s the end lmao. thank you so much, love!!! ❤❤

#1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #asks #cafeleningrad #if *anyone* dares to start stupid wank on my super niche blog they'll be blocked on sight i'm warning you #snk salt

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synoxshots · 4 years

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Watch me

Fill 10 of fictober!

Prompt number: 12

Fandom: Star Wars: The Old Republic (SWTOR)

Rating: G

Warnings/Tags: No warnings, just lots of swoop racing.

Summary: Qiren is a typical Corellian, a lover of speed, racing, and telling everyone all about it. So when the All Worlds Ultimate Swoop Rally takes over the holonet, naturally she has to go and get involved.

Qiren normally left the holonet on in the background on her ship. It was a habit more than ever being her focus – sitting down and watching it was something serious people did, after all – but she needed some way to keep abreast of the state of the galaxy. She didn't need to watch it avidly, but this way she could just pick up on the important bits – specifically, the exciting parts – and the rest would just naturally absorb itself.

Today though, it was certainly holding her attention. And that was mostly down to the two words being repeated by a very enthusiastic droid.

“SWOOP BIKES!”

Now that was a way to get her to listen. She was Corellian, after all. A lover of speed, racing, and telling everyone about it. It had been years since she'd gotten on a swoop bike, but she suspected it was one of those things that once you learned, you never forgot.

And if it turned out otherwise, well, she was a fast learner.

Before she knew it she was racing back to the other end of the ship, plugging Dantooine's co-ordinates into the navicomputer.

“Uh, Captain? Where we headed?” Corso asked, popping his head around the doorway. Oh right, in the excitement she may have forgotten to tell him they were on the move again.

“Dantooine, you see that holo report?”

“Sure did...wait, so we're going there? Did we see the same report?”

“Swoop bikes! Come on, it'll be fun! And if not, there's plenty of farms, you'll be right at home,” she said with a wink.

Corso chuckled, “If you say so Captain, but don't think I won't remember that last part.”

* * * * * * * *

Dantooine was a quiet planet most of the time, filled with lush, rolling green fields of fertile land, the type that attracted many seeking out a simple life. And despite Corso's protestations whenever she called him farmboy, he did fit right in. That wasn't a bad thing, if anything it was good to see him in his element. So much of their time was spent chasing down the next money-making opportunity, getting caught up in shoot-outs, making the kind of increasingly daring escapes at which they both excelled; but here was a place where he could actually relax for once.

Of course, she was a city girl, and could barely cope without some constant source of noise in the background. The Swoop Rally had certainly brought that, and if anything felt all the louder given the natural peace and quiet of Dantooine.

The rally was a carnival, a celebration of speed and noise. Crowds whooped and cheered as bikes zoomed past them, fireworks lit up stands with blazes of colour. Music thumped throughout the route, broken by gasps and shouts of spectators and one highly excitable commentator. The pits were a hive of activity, decked out with the coloured flags of the teams and packed with people milling about. Enthusiastic fans, desperate to get the first look at the bikes and meet their heroes who rode them. Mechanics, tinkering away, making last minute adjustments to eke every bit of speed they could out of their bikes. The riders themselves, still competing against each other when not out on the track, revving their engines ever louder with menacing glares or strutting about, squaring up to their opponents. If Corso was in his element during their trip through the farms, Qiren had found hers here, barely waiting a minute to take it all in before running to an official and signing herself up for a test ride with one of the Rally's most daring crews.

The Pit Screamers were all about their tricks: big ramps, big jumps, and lots of showing off. Kindred spirits with their newest rider. A quick introduction to the team, a conversation filled with roaring laughter and bouncing hugs, and she was on a bike and heading for the starting line. With her leatheris jacket, driving gloves, and a pair of goggles to shield her eyes, she looked less like someone who had just turned up on the spot and more like someone who'd been racing for years.

“Whatcha think, Corso?” She shouted over the engines as she cruised past him, a wild gleeful grin on her face. “Get yourself a seat and watch me, but be quick – 'cause you know I'll be.”

* * * * * * * *

Qiren was a natural on the bike, much as she'd suspected. Some skills were hard to shake after all, even with a lack of practice. There were a few bumps in the road early on whilst she got used to the course and the bike, some of them literal, but that was all forgotten before long. When the cold wind hit her face in the way it only could by travelling at such speed, nothing else mattered. It was just her, the bike, the track, and the thrill of putting on a show. The roars of the crowd served to spur her on, to eke out every bit of hang time, to add every flash of flair.

That was a reaction you didn't get for tricks or fancy flying in a spaceship. There was none of the buzz from performing to a crowd there. Instead it was normally a stream of profanities from crewmembers who were never quite appreciative of the skill required to make an effective getaway.

She was still on a rush from the ride when she met Corso back at the pits, dashing off from her new-found friends and admirers to leap into his arms with enough force that he almost lost his balance.

“Wow Captain, that was great!”

“What did I say? Knew you'd love it! We'll make a swooper of you too yet, you'll see!”

Corso gave half a laugh as he shook his head. “Hey, I'm happy to leave that to you. I'll stick to ships for now. And I'm not sure I could compete with what I just saw, anyway.”

“Oh yeah, you definitely couldn't,” she teased. “Come on, let's go spend these hard-won earnings. Time to do what we do best, I'm sure there's some people round here needing our help.”

Corso's grin widened, the biggest it had been all day. Chase the thrills, sure, but this was what they were really all about.

#fictober20 #swtor #swtor fanfic #smuggler #corso riggs #all worlds ultimate swoop rally #qiren x corso #well i'm not sure if i was writing romantically or platonically but #there's a very close relationship there #corso is just a touch more reserved than her #qiren is my robin hood-type smuggler #this is basically 1000 self indulgent words about swoop racing with an oc i don't mention so much haha #my fic #oc: qiren alto

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radioactivepeasant · 4 years

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Folklore Friday (sort of)

So essentially, this is a bulletpoint outline of sorts for a slightly spooky thing I try to work on from time to time. The funny thing is, when I first started it a year or so ago, it was slightly in the style of someone reporting after the fact. So it may, by sheer coincidence, bear a mild resemblance to the Magnus Archives. That amuses me.

“Let us review, then, the incident which took place in the Tam Lin Bar & Grill on the evening of June the 19th, 1991.”

A man approached the establishment by night and waited for two exiting patrons to open the door before he entered.

It was a slow night, not many patrons on the family diner side, and only regulars in the bar.

the regulars consisted of a few Landed Gentry (far more humble, yet no less glamorous than their proud brethren), Eudora Twopelts with her furs, a few humans, and poor old Mr. Baxter of Camden.

Barkeep noticed the Difference.

“I have been asked not to speak at length on the subject of Barkeep. Barkeep holds their peace and keeps their patrons’ secrets, and the patrons are in turn quite protective of them.”

The Man gave himself the name Neil and ordered a blood-orange mocha.

“The blood-orange mocha, by the way, is not what you think it is. Order at your own risk.”

* The Man, Neil, sought a target, and Barkeep noticed. Barkeep always notices when a new patron fails to actually read The Rules posted on the wall.

* The Man, Neil, sought a target, but he could not choose.

* Fern-called and Summer-called played knucklebones with Young Jack and did not pay any attention to the Man. They played until Summer-called lost to Fern-called and left.

* Summer-called was nearly the object of the Man’s attention that night, save for the fact that his friends would have noticed if the Man had followed Summer-called out into the grove.

* Eudora Twopelts noticed nothing. She never notices much outside the bottom of her salted glass on the dry days, when she most misses the sea and others of her kind.

Mr. Baxter sat alone in his corner, clothes worn and dirty.

One could be forgiven for assuming he looked like nothing so much as a worn, tired man down on his luck.

Mr. Baxter sat, as he always did, in the corner off to the side of the bar. His coffee had long since gone cold.

“Now we move forward from review to speculation.”

The Man, Neil, perhaps approached Mr. Baxter, with a friendly smile and a hand out, bestowing his chosen name like a gift. Perhaps he said something like, “You looked like you could use the company,” though Mr. Baxter didn’t answer.

Mr. Baxter never answers.

Clearly, this did not deter Neil, who must have intended to earn the trust of the melancholy old man, or else wait until he was the last person to leave the bar at closing.

“The Man had done this many times before, and in many different cities, according to missing persons reports. No doubt he thought that night would be no different.”

Barkeep noticed which way Neil’s attention had turned, but Barkeep was not particularly concerned. There was little harm in the stranger sitting with Mr. Baxter, they felt.

At least, there was little harm for those who meant well enough.

Young Jack and Fern-called left the bar at a quarter to nine.

“To allay concerns raised by other witnesses: Young Jack was not Taken. He and Fern-called have a longstanding arrangement.”

The only ones left in the bar at nine o’clock were Eudora, Mr. Baxter, the Man, and of course, Barkeep.

Eudora Twopelts called for one more glass of salted iced tea -- as she always does -- and paid in sand dollars.

“Barkeep does accept shells and trinkets as currency sometimes, but only with patrons who have proved trustworthy. As a visitor, I had to pay seven dollars for my spiced cider mocha.”

Eudora knows that the salt will only make her miss the sea all the more, but still she comes every night, to drink her salty tea and wait in hopes that one day she’ll meet a kindred spirit to whom she can give her second seal-coat.

Eudora never leaves before closing. She was there until 10:30 and witnessed much of the event.

The Man attempted, according to Eudora, to once again begin a conversation with Mr. Baxter. Mr. Baxter never answered. Mr. Baxter never moved.

Barkeep came at nine-fifteen and replaced Mr. Baxter’s cup of cold coffee with a fresh one. There may have been a flicker of recognition in Mr. Baxter’s still face, but no other outward change. That would have been as good as a “thank you” from Mr. Baxter.

Neil was obviously willing to be patient. He was old, old, old, and all the brief flicker and noise of humanity must have bored him. He thought himself as above it. Outside it.

Perhaps he observed his tablemate and thought, “If Mr. Baxter knew what I am, how frightened he would be!”

The Man, by the account of Eudora, seemed faintly confused, as though considering whether the inscrutable Mr. Baxter might have sensed something wrong. After all, he (like his apparently unwitting companion) was unnaturally still.

“But he wasn’t still like Mr. Baxter,” Eudora later told us, “Not a stillness of body. He moved, he spoke, he drank. And I’m sure as the tide that he fed. But there’s a...oh, I don’t know. He had a stagnance to his stillness when he was sitting there. Didn’t blink, didn’t even seem to breathe. Skin didn’t even twitch, like it was a pelt.”

The patrons’ consensus appears to be that this Neil gave off the feeling of a cat that is about to spring. It is a feeling familiar to the patrons of the Tam Lin Bar & Grill.

Neil must have wondered if Mr. Baxter, like a rabbit, had sensed his own peril and frozen in hopes of avoiding the gaze of a predator. Mr. Baxter would have given no indication either way.

Barkeep stepped into the back room for a moment to get a mop and bucket for the usual cleaning-up of the night. The door locked behind them of its own accord, and Barkeep sat down to wait.

The appearance of dark stains, spreading across the back room’s walls like tree roots, evidently did not unduly concern Barkeep. They did express some annoyance at the two-and-spare eyes flickering in and out of the walls, but a stern clearing of the throat and a threatening wave of the mop is usually enough to send any displaced eyes scuttling, no matter how disoriented they are.

When the door unlocked, Barkeep returned to the process of closing the bar for the night.

The Man, Neil, was no longer sitting at Mr. Baxter’s table. The chair he had been sitting on had a faint, greasy film over it, but no worse than other nights.

“Eudora Twopelts has strongly indicated that the story should not be further pursued in regards to Mr. Baxter’s part in it. She could give no account of what took place while Barkeep was locked in the back room, claiming to have averted her eyes.”

“Tidessakes," she told me, “Of course I looked away! We don’t bother Mr. Baxter about the eyes, it isn’t polite!”

“I have not, to this day, received an explanation of this statement.”

It’s long, sorry. But someday I mean to translate it from bulletpoints to an actual written form, for my own amusement primarily.

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onedayiwillflyfree · 4 years

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When the Sun Begins to Fall Chapter 10: Juniper

Read the full story here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21255530?view_full_work=true

Chapter 10: Juniper

Summer sunsets in Avonlea were truly incomparable. Gilbert should know, he had seen them fall in many different locations over the years. Trinidad, Jamaica, Costa Rica, even in the outer borders of Europe. And none, not one had ever compared to the sun setting over the Lake of Shining Waters. From the peach and lilac streams of light that kissed each wave to the warmth of the last light of the day that contrasted the first of the cool evening breezes. He truly thought nothing would ever top it. Of course, that was until he saw the sight of two shadowy figures dancing farther down the cliff, yelling praises to the sun and all its glory.

“Oh marvelous, wonderful setting sun!” Anne yelled out over the cliff, her fire locks blowing gently behind her back. “Thank you for gracing us with your presence this most glorious of evenings! Your phenomenal beauty knows no bounds!”She grinned from ear to ear as she grabbed hold of Ka’kwets hand and together they twirled. A smile beamed from the young Mi’kmaq girls face, her small braids flapping in the wind. All too quickly, she began losing her balance and sent the pair of them toppling to the ground. They exchanged a single glance before bursting into a fit of childish giggles.

Gilbert smiled as he looked on, his heart feeling more at ease hearing their laughter. A few days prior, Aluk had expressed his concerns to Gilbert about Ka’kwet. He said she was barely eating or speaking to anyone, along with having extreme bouts of rage, and would scream at anyone given the chance. And in the night, she would wake up screaming so loudly that it once woke the entire village. The only activity that appeared to put her to rest was painting with her mother as she was retold stories of days long since passed. Gilbert wasn’t sure what he could do to help her - or if she would even accept it- but Anne, who had zero medical training, seemed to be helping her better than he ever could.

He felt a sting cross his shoulder as he was smacked with a cluster small oak branches. “Ow!” Gilbert cried, fingers gingerly touching the sting. He looked over to have the branches shook in his face while being scolded by an older woman in a language still foreign to him. “I’m sorry ma’am,” A leaf brushed against his mouth as she continued to shake them. “Aluk! Can you please tell her...” Another whack. “I’m sorry!”

Aluk held in a laugh, resting a gentle hand on his mother’s shoulder and began asking her to stop. She looked back at her son and spoke quickly, saying something that made Aluk smirk. “She said yes they are beautiful, but you are here to learn medicine.” Gilbert felt a flush creep up his neck and make its way to his cheeks.

This brought a grin to her face as she let out a wry chuckle. The medicine woman then pointed in front of them to an empty stump that had four different herbs resting on it. She spoke quickly and then looked at him expectantly. Gilbert peered over her shoulder, silently pleading for a translation from Aluk. He let out a small chuckle and translated. “She wants you to name the four herbs in front of you and what purposes they serve to healing.”

Gilbert nervously swallowed. He had never had an issue with tests before. Why should this one be any different? “Well,” he looked over the roots and herbs. He picked up a small red berry cluster, this one he could identify in his sleep. “This one is highbush cranberry, it’s good for ails of the bladder, bowels, and stomach. Best to be dried and powdered. However, can be consumed orally as food or in a tea.” Aluk translated, the older woman curtly nodded her approval before pointing to a cluster of purple flowers.

“These are rosemary,” Gilbert smiled, remembering how Anne had commented on their beauty when he was explaining them to her at dinner a few nights prior. She stated that their name should be changed though, seeing as they were purple rather than the color of a rose. He was urged to continue as the medicine woman raised the leafs again. “Sorry, sorry, it helps with sore joints, spasms, and improves memory.”

Aluk offered a gentle smile and nodded, pointing to the final two herbs on the stump. Gilbert knew the one with long oval leaves from their powerful aroma. It was a smell he knew well from whenever Mary would cook one of her signature recipes. “Sage. Used in cleansing rituals as well cuts, bruises, and minor colds. The other one...” he glanced down at branch of vibrant green needles and bit his lip. “I’m not sure. I’m sorry.”

His words were translated, the elderly woman shaking her head slightly and began speaking. Aluk nodded, responding briefly back before turning back to Gilbert. “She said needles can get confusing, but these are special and must be remembered.” She continued speaking, picking up the cluster of needles and dark blue berries. “It’s juniper. Hard to find if you don’t know where to look. Luckily, she said she likes you.” She offered a gentle smile and pointed behind him. Gilbert turned around and a little bit in the distance, close to where Anne and Ka’Kwet were off praising the sun, was a small grouping of bushes growing close to the ground next to a stunning, old oak. He had seen the tree often, always admiring its beauty but he never would have guessed that it was the bushes surrounding it that would be the truly special ones.

“And what does it heal again?” he asked, his eyes not moving from the bushes.

“Many different things,” Aluk responded. “Indigestion, sore lungs and throat, we have even had luck with it curing people with diseases you call pneumonia and consumption.”

Gilbert’s eyes ripped from the tree, gazing at Aluk in disbelief. “Consumption? That’s impossible. Our medicine...”

The old woman wagged a finger. “Not always right.”

He cocked an eyebrow. “I’m sorry?”

Aluk sucked in a deep breath. “What she means your medicine is good, but you have all been led to believe it is the only way to heal.” The elderly woman pressed the berries and needles into his hands and spoke in her native tongue. “She said the earth has provided means to keep our people alive for hundreds of years. The earth provides for all.”

He had never considered it that way. In school and in his internships, he had been taught that medicine was always science, nothing more. But the idea that there was so much more out in the world that he could learn as long as he kept his mind open, the thought excited him. Gilbert wrapped his free hand around his mentor and smiled. “Thank you for everything you have taught me this past week. I will treasure it always.” She smiled before Aluk even had a chance to translate. His words didn’t need to be translated, the gratitude was radiating from his body.

“Earth provides,” she spoke slowly.

He nodded. “The earth provides.”

——

“Come on boy,” he squeezed his legs tighter as Butterscotch cantered through the woods. Stray branches stung his face and arms, but he didn’t slow down and try to dodge them. Time was short. He could see the clearing a few feet ahead, the cliffs coming into view. Almost there. With a flick of the reigns, he urged the horse to move faster. “Little bit more Butterscotch, we’re almost there!”

Gilbert burst through the trees, one stray pine branch giving a farewell scratch along his leg as he brought a hand up to shield his eyes from the blinding sun. He pulled back on the reigns, encouraging the horse to slow its pace. A familiar sea breeze ruffled his mess of curls, almost as if it was welcoming him home after many months away. His mind drifted to the last time he had been there, desperate and broken after Anne had let him go off to Paris, when he caught sight of the old oak. A smile spread across his lips and he tugged his reigns to the left, dismounting and wrapping the leather straps around a sturdy branch.

Pulling the empty flower sack and Jerry’s knife from the saddle and jogged over to the bushes. Taking a few sprigs in his hand, he breathed in their calming scent. “Hello old friends. It's been a while.” His voice was soft, much like Anne’s was whenever he heard her speaking with the kindred spirits within the forest. “I need your help. Anne needs you.” He unsheathed the knife and began expertly cutting through the thin branches, needles poking his hand as he slid them into his bag. *A couple more, then back to Anne.

After he placed a few more branches into the sack, he tied the burlap shut and quickly made his way back to the horse. He untied the reigns, throwing them over Butterscotch’s lowered head as he grazed on the grass below. “Sorry bud,” he placed a foot in the stirrup and hoisted himself onto the saddle. “I need you to run a little bit more.” The horse snorted in understanding as Gilbert patted his neck. “Good boy.” He pulled the reins towards the woods, stopping only to glance back at the bushes that could be Anne’s saving grace. “Thank you.” He whispered, giving them a grateful smile before he squeezed his legs together and took off back towards the quickly darkening woods.

———

Fweeet!

Steam forced its way out the kettle spout, screaming for someone to come relieve the growing pressure. Gilbert grabbed the kettle, ignoring the slight burn he felt on his pinky through the thinnest portion of the towel and poured it into a large pewter cup. A few needles escaped into the cup. He grunted in frustration and reached for a spoon to fish them out.

“Di, can you clean this out and refill it?” he requested, pulling out most of the needles in one go.

Diana nodded, her soft black curls tied tightly in a knot on top of her head. “Of course. Roy should be in with a second bucket of water soon.” She wiped a bead of sweat from her forehead, her sleeves rolled up past her elbows.

“Good,” he said, still fishing for the final few needles. “You all should take a break for a bit. Don’t want to overheat her from all the steam.” Much to Gilbert’s frustration, a few stragglers remained floating in the water, no matter how hard he fought to get them. “I don’t have time for this.” He mumbled as he tossed the spoon aside and walked swiftly to the stairs, leaving Diana to plop into a kitchen chair.

Cole met him at the top of the stairs, a bucket of cool water in his hands. “Her breathing seems easier now, but her lips are still blue around the edges. She just fell asleep a few moments ago.” Cole wiped his runny nose with the back of his hand when his eyes drifted to the contents of the pewter cup. He frowned. “Are those pine needles?”

“Juniper needles! I’ll explain later,” Gilbert pushed passed his friend, not trying to be rude but desperate to have Anne ingest the medicines. He pushed opened the door, steam pouring out of the room. He left it open just a crack to allow it to further filter out of the room.

Anne lay her head against Marillas chest, her eyes lightly shut and breathing heavy through her mouth. The tiniest amount of relief wash over him, she was breathing well enough that she could sleep.

Marilla acknowledged him as he walked over to the bed and sat at their feet. “She fell asleep about ten minutes ago. Poor girl is beyond exhausted.” She ran her fingers around though her daughter’s hair, pulling stray strands from her soaked forehead and pressing them back on her head. “She did the breathing like you showed her. It caused her tremendous pain but she didn’t complain one bit.” She pressed a gentle kiss on the top of Anne’s head. “You’d have been proud of her,” Marilla whispered.

He was proud. In fact he was so proud he wasn’t sure he could find the words for it. He couldn’t imagine the excruciating pain she must have been feeling in the beginning parts of the breathing treatment. Fighting against pus and mucus that was nesting in her chest...well, he had seen grown men lose hope because of it.

Anne let out a large cough and her eyes slit open. “Gil...” she whispered in a raspy voice.

“I’m here, Anne-girl.” He scooted closer to her, cup still firmly in his hands. “I brought something that will help you feel better. You think you could sit up a little more?”

Anne nodded, reaching for Gilbert’s hand for assistance. He shared an unspoken agreement with Marilla, who pushed Anne forward while he pulled. She sat for a moment, her body swaying as if the mere act of sitting up had made her head spin. Gilbert kept a steady hand on her shoulder, hoping to help keep her upright but to no avail. Anne had eaten very little and moved even less in the last few days, her body was too weak to maintain itself upright. She leaned forward, collapsing into Gilbert’s chest with a soft thud. “Sorry...”

“Don’t be Anne-girl, but I do need to get into a better position.” She nodded, her forehead moving his shirt with each movement. Gilbert pushed her forward slightly, making sure to keep her stable with one of his hands as he slid next to her on the bed. He looked to Marilla, hoping to not cause a stir but her focus was solely on her weakened child. “Alright, rest against me. You can put as much weight against me as you need,” Anne leaned into him, her shoulder digging into his upper abdomen but he didn’t have the heart to adjust her. She was fading and from the intense warmth radiating off of her, her fever would soon be reaching its peak. “Anne, I need you to drink this,” She reached a shaky hand towards the cup, trying to take it with her quiver fingers before they fell into his lap.

Gilbert bit his lip, she was getting weaker with each passing moment. “Here,” he pressed the cup into her hand, his firmly wrapping around hers. “Lean your head back, we will do it together.”

She lifted her chin, her head resting heavily on Gilbert’s chest as they together brought the cup to her lips. “Little sips, alright?” Together they tipped the cup slowly, Anne taking small sips while Gilbert kept a careful eye that no needles made their escape. She forced the liquid down her throat, each swallow sounding more painful than the last. After a sip that was too large, she began to stir into a coughing fit. Marilla bent forward, patting her back in hopes to assist the pus out. Anne coughed as she turned her face into Gilberts white shirt, launching one final cough of green and red mucus near the collar.

“I’m so sorry...” she whispered as tears dropped down her cheeks, her fingers trying to reach for the spot to wipe it away.

“Stop,” Gilbert wrapped his arm tighter around her, hoping she would learn that he could never be angry with her for something so trivial. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

“I’m so tired Gil,” Anne mumbled aimlessly, her eyes looking around the room while her lids slowly shut. “So tired.”

“Little bit more,” Gilbert whispered, tilting the cup the tiniest bit. Anne ignored it, already beginning to slip away. “Come on, Carrots.” He waited for her eyes to shoot open, for her to become cross with him but her breathing began to slow. Gilbert shook her enough that her eyes fluttered. “Just one more sip Anne, please. And then you can sleep. Just one last sip.” His words came out in a plead.

Marilla watched the pair, fighting off tears as Anne opened her mouth to let Gilbert pour in the last bit of liquid. He smiled tightly as she forced it down, coughing one final time before she sunk deep into him, her fingers still holding tightly to the cup beneath his. “Good job, Anne-girl, good job,” he whispered into her sweat soaked hair when his eyes drifted to Marillas.

“What did you give her?”

“Boiled juniper needles.” He placed the cup in the hand behind Anne, balancing her as he deposited it onto her nightstand. “It’s a traditional Mi'kmaq healing herb.”

“Why didn’t we use this sooner?” she asked. Her voice was genuine, no anger or frustration in her tone, but instead curiosity. Still, he felt enormously embarrassed by his answer.

“I… I forgot,” he mumbled, looking down at Anne, her red curls had turned into wet clumps from sweat and were sticking to her neck and forehead. Her cheeks were the deepest shade of scarlett he had ever seen on a person and yet, somehow, he still thought she looked as radiant as ever. “I forgot a lot of important things,” he whispered more to himself than Marilla as he wiped a bead of sweat from Anne’s forehead.

Marilla continued staring at the pair. “Now what?” she questioned, allowing some edge to her tone.

“Well, her breathing seems better for now, so we should be able to stop the steam until she wakes up. Let her cool down and rest.” Gilbert slowly slid her off and laid her down into her stack of ever growing pillows. He pulled her hair from out behind her in hopes it would keep her neck cool. “Give everyone a chance to rest.”

She considered this. “Yes, rest would be good for all.” She looked back to Anne. “And she will be alright?”

Gilbert rolled up his sleeve, already beginning to boil after being in the room for only a few moments. “Well, it’s too soon…” Marilla glared at him. “What I mean is as long as we keep her fever controlled and on the lower end, then yes, she should be okay.”

“And then what?”

He began running his fingers through the bottom of her hair, pulling out small tangles. “She will take time to recover...”

“That isn’t what I mean Gilbert.” Marilla’s voice had gone completely cold.

Gilberts hand stopped, his eyes travelling to the older women. “Marilla...” He started.

“Are you going to leave her again?” Marilla glared at him, her pointed hawk eyes staring into the depths of his soul. “Leaving us to let the rest of us pick up the pieces of the broken woman you left behind?” Her words were that of venom, her anger of his departure no longer able to be hidden behind politeness. “Because if that is your plan, to destroy her heart once more then perhaps she is better off...” her voice caught, a sob slipping through as she sat on the bed and rested a hand on Anne’s arm.

He leaned over top of Anne, careful to not place any weight on her and grabbed Marilla’s hand. “Marilla… I am calling off my engagement.” Marilla’s mouth sat agape in shock of the news she had just been told. Gilbert licked his lips and looked over to Anne. There was no one out in the world for him other than Anne Shirley-Cuthbert and he had left her behind. How could one man make such a horrible mistake? “I was a fool. A selfish, ridiculous fool.” His voice was hoarse. Despite the words being directed towards Marilla, they were truly meant for himself. “The mistakes I have made. The hurt I have caused… I fear I will never be able to atone for them.” Gilbert glanced up to Marilla, who was swiping a stray tear from her eyes. “I am so sorry Marilla. So truly sorry for everything. I have done so many things wrong… I’m not sure if I will ever do anything right.”

She flipped her hand over and held tight to his. “You have made mistakes, Gilbert Blythe. That much is for certain.” He dipped his chin, only for it to be immediately lifted by Marilla’s free hand. “But those made in the past cannot be changed. What is important now is how you grow and learn from those mistakes and how you can prepare for what is to come.”

Gilbert’s eyes burned, tears creating rivers down his cheeks. "I have hurt you all so much Marilla. I have been cruel to Bash, said horrible, heartless things to him. Oblivious to how all of you were feeling. You should all hate me..."

Marilla rounded the bed, placing herself next to him and cupping his face firmly between both of her hands. "You listen here Gilbert Blythe, you push that thought right from your head.” He let out another sob, the tears continuing to pour as Marilla swiped them away with her thumbs. “Bash, Anne, Delphine, Hazel, Diana, Cole. We are your family and we support one another through the darkest of times. We pick each other up when we fall. You have helped us all up at some point or another when we could barely stand.” His lungs were hurting now, he wanted to wail but he fought back to not wake Anne. Marilla continued to stroke his cheeks, wiping every tear before it fell. “Now this time, it is us who have been waiting to pick you up." She wrapped her arms around him, holding him close to her and placed a gentle kiss on the top of his head. “And always know, my darling boy, that we will never stop loving you.”

Gilbert’s entire body shook as he sobbed into her arms. She held him close and let him release every pent up feeling he had held in. Minutes ticked by slowly, the tears flowed but his sobbing ceased, for the tears were no longer out of sadness. Now they were from the relief he didn’t know he needed. Gilbert was home, truly finally home.

———

That night, with Marillas approval, he was allowed to stay in Anne’s room to keep an eye on her. If it was any other situation, he was sure that she would have denied him without hesitation. But as they all sat around the table that evening, each exhausted from the long, stressful day, Anne awoke with such a wail, it would most likely give Gilbert nightmares for weeks. And the sight he saw when he entered Anne’s room, that would surely haunt him for the rest of his days.

Anne flailed violently, the entire bed shaking under her. “Oh my God,” Diana, who had been following close behind with Roy and Cole, gasped and brought her hand over her mouth. Gilbert ran to the bed, immediately rolling Anne onto her side. As her eyes rolled back in her head, he began tracking the length of the seizure. One, two, three-

“What’s happening?” Marilla wailed, running down the hall. She let out a loud cry, stumbling back into Cole’s outstretched arms. “What’s happening to her Gilbert?”

“She’s seizing!” He pulled a few pillows from under head, allowing her lay flat. Thirty-three, thirty-four.

“Will it kill her?” Gilbert swallowed and tried to focus his attention on his counting. Forty, forty-o... “Will she die Gilbert!” Marilla screamed, Cole’s arms being the only thing to keep her upright. “You answer me right this moment!”

“I don’t know!” He snapped, silencing the older woman. “Now everyone, shut up and let me count.” The only noise filling the room was the rattling of Anne’s bed as she continued shaking. Seventy-one, seventy-two, seventy… Anne’s body began to slow its movements, the seizure had come to its end. Her lids remained heavy, her breathing shallow. Everyone except Gilbert exhaled in unison when she let out a single cough.

“Her fever is rising. And if the seizure is any indication, it’s high.” Gilbert said.. “Diana, open the window.” Diana nodded, still in disbelief of what had just happened, and ran to lift the window pane. Gilbert threw Mary’s quilt off of Anne, causing her to shiver.

“What…” Anne whispered, her head rolling towards Gilbert.

“Anne-girl, you just had a seizure. Your fever is elevating and you need to cool down. I’m going to bring you over to the window.” Gilbert picked Anne up in his arms, not evening pausing for a response. He carried her over to the window where he held her close enough that the cool September air could cool her.

As the wind blew in through the window, her eyes opened wider but continued to shiver within his arms. “Don’t leave me Gil. Please don’t leave,” she sobbed quietly into his shirt, her words barely audible.

“Never again,” Gilbert whispered, sliding down the wall so she lay in his lap. He held her close, allowing his body heat to help cease her chills. “Never again,” he repeated, pressing a soft kiss on her forehead.

Marilla sobbed into Cole’s chest, his own terror clear on his face as Roy wrapped both of them in his arms. Diana appeared on the verge of passing out from a combination of exhaustion and fear. It wasn’t until he felt her go limp in his arms and her breathing steady did he bow his head and did something he hadn’t done since he had lost Mary. He prayed.

———

Soft, golden light was streaming through the window when Gilbert decided it was safe to move away from the cool air. Anne’s fever had lowered slightly in the night and he had decided it safe to wrap her in blankets for a few hours. When he went to rise, he noticed his backside was numb from sitting on the floor all evening and he legs felt like jelly. Sitting on a wood floor all night, not your best plan, Gil. He scolded himself, forcing both he and Anne up into a standing position, noticing for the first time just how little Anne was. She’s lost weight so quickly.

Gilbert yawned as he adjusted her into a better position. His eyes were heavy, begging to close and run away from the world if only for a moment. He carefully stepped over a sleeping Diana, who had made a makeshift bed to stay close if help was needed, and placed Anne gently on the bed.

He tucked the blankets tightly around her shivering body and stacked an additional pillow under her head. She let out a collection of coughs, none intense enough to wake her from her deep slumber. A familiar smell wafted through the door as Gilbert rubbed his eyes and demanded they remain open a little while longer.

“Coffee,” Gilbert whispered as he inhaled the scent. Anne stirred in the bed, almost as if she could sense that he was going to exit the room. In truth, he dreaded the thought of leaving her, especially after the promise he had made. But he had been awake for over twenty-four hours and had a feeling he wouldn’t be falling asleep anytime in the near future. He needed coffee. Anne would also be coming do for a breathing treatment as well as another round of medicine. “I’ll be back in a moment, Anne-girl,” he whispered close to her ear, pushing hair away from her eyes.

He stepped over Diana, pausing for a moment to cover her with a blanket that had been kicked off during the night. “Thanks Di.” She snuggled the blanket close, mumbling something along the lines of thank you before drifting back off.

The smell of coffee carried him down the hall, almost as if the magic scent was moving his body for him. Sounds of laughter and silverware clacked against china echoed up the steps. He took the first few steps when a familiar voice stopped him in his tracks.

“You mean to tell me that skinny little Blythe, who is like half of your size, did that to your face?” Gilberts stomach did a backflip as he took one additional step, peering around the wall to see a full table. Roy and Cole sat on the far end closest to the fire, while Marilla, who looked in desperate need of additional time in her bed, sat at the head with a wild Delly bouncing on her lap. Hazel scurried around the table, depositing freshly fried eggs onto every ones plates.

“I thoughts I had him at firsts.” Roy said, his cut lip now swollen to the size of a small stone. Hazel scooped the last of the eggs onto his plate. “Thanks yous, Miss Lacroixs.”

She nodded, her lips curled in a tight smile as she fought off a laugh and went to filling the coffee cups resting on the table.

The man sitting with his back to the stairs let out a hearty laugh. “I’m gonna be honest, I’m impressed with him. So what did ya say about Queen Anne to earn that type of beating?” Hazel snapped a towel, the corner flicking hard against his neck. He brought a hand up to the sting. “Ow, what was that for Ma?”

Hazel rolled her eyes, looking expectantly at him. “Honestly Sebastian Lacroix, that is not a discussion for the breakfast table.”

“Ah, so save it for lunch.” He couldn’t see Bash’s face but he knew that he was giving his signature grin, which earned a second, less serious eye roll from his mother. Gilbert smirked, feeling comfortable enough to take the rest of the steps. The sounds for forks scraping against plates ceased as the kitchen floor creaked beneath his feet. All members of the table, save one who couldn’t quite bring his eyes from the plate in front of him, stared at him.

Gilbert held up an awkward hand in greeting. “Mornin’.”

“Unsel Gilbur!” His niece rejoiced, leaping from Marillas lap and barreled over.

He bent down, forgetting his exhaustion, and caught her when she jumped into his outstretched arms. He blew a gentle raspberry against her cheek, earning a tiny squeal in return. She grabbed hold of his cheeks, pushing his face away with a toothy grin before brushing her nose with his, their secret greeting. “Good morning, my angel.”

She cast a glance over his shoulder, half expectanting another to come down behind him. “Where Auntie?”

Hazel’s eyes widened, as if her grandchild had just brought up a taboo subject. “Delphine,” she said sternly.

Gilbert locked eyes with her and shook his head. Delphine Lacroix was a smart child, perhaps one of the smartest Gilbert had ever known. And she had a right to know what was going on with one of the most significant people in her life. *Especially if Anne... He pushed the thought from his head and instead went to explaining in a way he felt wouldn’t cause the young girl much distress. “Angel, you know how at times your belly hurts or your throat feels scratchy?” She nodded her head. “Well, that means you’re sick. And Auntie,” he paused, finding himself struggling to speak. Delly’s doe eyes stared up at him, hanging from his every word. He swallowed the lump in his throat. “Auntie is sick, more sick than just a belly ache or a scratchy throat.”

“Oh.” She considered his words before asking. “Ring Auntie treats?” Gilbert smiled, amazed that her young mind associated illness with receiving treats from Anne.

“Not right now, angel,” he spoke softly, hoping his niece would understand.

She contemplated his words again, this time shrugging her shoulders and pointed to the table. “Me hungry.”

Gilbert chuckled softly. “Me hungry too. Let’s go eat.”

He carried her over to the table and dropped into a chair with her on his lap. Hazel brought over a plate of eggs, toast, and perfectly paired with a piping hot cup of coffee. “Thank you, Hazel.”

“Of course,” she said hesitantly. Gilbert buttered the slice toast and handed it to his niece, who began happily munching away on it as he reached for the coffee. He brought the black liquid to his lips and took a large sip. It was as thick as sludge and burned his tongue the moment it entered his mouth but he found himself not caring. After all the events from this weekend, he would drink dish water if it would keep him awake for a while longer.

It was only after drinking half of the mug did he finally notice everyone’s eyes were silently trained on him, no one touching their food or making a peep. The only exception being Bash, who seemed rather enthralled with shoving his eggs off in different directions on his plate. Please look at me. Gilbert wished silently. Please Bash, just give me some sign that you don’t hate me.

Cole was the first to break the awkward silence and asked the question that they all were holding on their tongues. “How is she?”

Gilbert wiped his eyes and adjusted Delphine on his lap. “She had a few additional fits in the night. Each lasting at least sixty seconds.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. Why was the coffee taking so long to kick in? “Her fever thankfully broke enough for her to sleep.”

“That’s a good sign rights?” Roy asked. Gilbert finally caught a good look at the mans face and fought back a grimace at the large bruises and cuts.

“Yes and no.” Gilbert sighed. “It’s good that it went down, but it wasn’t going without a fight. I’m sure we haven’t seen the last of it. She also has started having her coughing fits again.” He took another sip of his coffee and looked across the table at Marilla, the bags under her eyes most likely a reflection of his own. “We should do another breathing treatment, keep her lungs clear.”

“Roy and I will be in charge of water, running it to and fro?” Cole asked.

“It would be appreciated.” Gilbert stabbed an egg in the middle. “Finish up your breakfast and then head out to get started.” He shoved the entire egg in his mouth, chewing thoroughly to not choke. “Hazel…”

“Swallow first.” She scolded. Gilbert forced the eggs down with a loud gulp, earning a giggle from Delly.

“Sorry,” he mumbled. “Could you please grab the herbs in that bag by the fireplace and begin boiling a kettle? Anne is due for medicine.” Hazel nodded curtly and went about her task.

“And what of me?” Marilla asked, her weary eyes constantly drifting up to the steps. Despite his insistence that she sleep last night, she was up almost hourly checking through a crack in the door to see how her daughter was doing. She tried to stay away, give him space to care for Anne but he would hear her soft sobs coming from just outside the door after a particularly bad coughing fit or seizure.

“You should rest, Mar...”

“As should you,” she snapped. Immediately she took a deep breath and regained her composure. “Just tell me what to do Gilbert.”

He shook his head, he could never win in an argument with Marilla even when he was well rested so what was the point of trying to on no sleep. “Water. She needs to drink. The last time she managed to get down any way from a cup was last afternoon. When we tried to give her some last night, she could barely swallow. So you’re going to need to...” he looked down at Delly, who was paying the conversation no mind as she fed the last bites of her toast to her doll. He still made an effort to keep his voice low so as not to frighten her. “Moisten a rag and put it in her mouth.” Marillas eyes widened. “I know, it sounds barbaric but she is burning from the inside. She needs to hydrate. If she doesn’t...” He let his voice trail off, knowing all those present in the room didn’t need to hear the ending for that sentence to understand it.. “And I’m going to…”

“You’re going to rest,” Bash interrupted, speaking for the first time since Gilbert had walked down the steps. Bash shoveled the last bits of his eggs into his mouth and walked his plate over to the sink.

Gilbert tried to find words. “I have things I need to...”

“Yes, like sleep.” Bash didn’t turn, instead his focus was on the water he began pumping into the sink. “You look like hell, Blythe. Worse than the time foreman made you shovel coal for twelve hours after you sang one too many songs.” He picked up his plate and began scrubbing it gently. “Maybe take time to bathe too, you’re starting to smell worse than a latrine after bean stew day. We can hold down the fort while you take care of yourself for an hour.”

“I can’t do that. I need to be there for her.”

Bash threw down the brush in the soapy water. “*Dammit Blythe, would you stop being so stubborn for once?!”

Stunned silence engulfed the room. The only sound came from the water rushing from the spout and the gentle popping from the fresh log Hazel had just placed in the fire. Even Delly seemed surprised by her fathers outburst, her doll slipping from her small fingers and landing on the floor. Bash exhaled slowly and picked the brush out of the basin and began scrubbing harder.

Marilla cleared her throat. “Well, we all have jobs,” She scooted her chair back and stood. “Best get to it, come along boys.” She began gathering plates, nudging Cole slightly when he didn’t move from his seat.

“Uh yeah. We better...” Cole rose, still staring between the two men..

“Gose. Wese betters gose.” Roy finished, half shoving Cole out the door. Marilla and Hazel shared a glance as Marilla took the kettle and poured its contents into the same cup Gilbert used yesterday.

Hazel cleared her throat. “Uh Delphine,” Delly paused her futile attempts to reach for her doll and looked to her Grandmother. “How about we go and see how Mr. Baynard is doin’ out in the barn?”

Delly shook her head, holding tight to Gilbert’s shirt. “Gilbur come.”

“Delphine,” Hazel scolded. Delly responded by digging her head deep into her uncle's chest. “Delphine Mary Lacroix.” She shook her head, pushing her forehead hard against his sternum.

The pain made Gilbert break his gaze. “Del, listen to Gram Gram please.” She shook her head again, her brown curls bouncing back and forth. He bit his lip, for once hating the stubbornness that she had inherited from him. A horse brayed from just beyond the window, an idea coming to him.

“Hey angel,” Gilbert placed tender fingers under her chin, lifting so her glistening doe eyes were staring back at him. “Auntie Anne is sick, right?” She nodded her head slowly. “Then who is brushing Belle, Butterscotch, and Midnight? And making sure they’re getting their treats?”

Delly’s eyes widened as she leapt off of her uncle's lap and bounded for the door. “Gram gram! Come! Horsies!” She threw open the door, slamming it hard against the wall and running through it.

“Del… Delphine! Wait for me child!” Hazel barrelled after her grandchild, the faintest traces of a smile forming on her lips.

Bash and Gilbert were the only two to remain, the bristles scraping against the porcelain being the only thing to break the silence between the pair. Gilbert stared at his brothers back, anxiety taking hold. *What do I say to him? I need to apologize. I need to tell him how deeply sorry I...

“If you’re finished with your plate, could you bring it to me?” Bash requested as he deposited the final breakfast plate onto the counter.

“Oh uh, yes,” Gilbert mumbled as he stood and brought the plate over. Bash didn’t look up focusing solely on pumping more water into the sink. Handing off the plate, Gilbert finally began to muster courage to speak. “Bash, I want to...”

“You remember when we first heard about Mary? That there was nothing that could be done for her?” Bash interrupted, scrubbing hard against the plate.

“Uh, yes, I do…” Gilbert replied, feeling the slightest bit confused. “But Bash I want…”

Bash ignored him. “I was so angry. Angry at God, angry at doc, angry at Elijah… angry at myself. I hated myself the most, thinking how could I let this happen to my love. I was supposed to provide for her, protect her.” Gilbert watching his hand press harder into the plate with every word. “And I felt… I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone. No one could possibly understand my rage or my pain. I wanted to hide away from the world.” His hands ceased moving, his eyes drifting out the window. “And then you found me. And you told me you would be there for me. Always. So when I found out you would be gone...” Bash’s voice trailed off but Gilbert didn’t need him to finish, he understood now why he had been upset. It wasn’t because Bash would be taking on an additional load of work, it would be because he was losing one of the only remaining members of his family.

Gilbert stepped closer, reaching tentatively for his brothers shoulder. “Bash… I am so...”

Bash ignored him once again and began scrubbing the already pristine plate, his voice began to crack. “I thought to myself, he has no right to be angry at me. I am the one that is being left behind. You were running off to go live your perfect life with a pretty little wife. Leaving behind me and Delphine and your home. And then I remembered why you came back.” His words came out hoarse as he placed the plate down to be dried. “The woman you love, really truly love, is sick. Dying maybe. Which made me think… that maybe you are feelin’ the same anger I felt.” Bash finally met looked Gilbert head on, his eyes beginning to red around the rims. “I was selfish. I hope...”

Gilbert threw his arms around his brothers shoulders and squeezed as hard as he could. Bash’s breath quivered as he returned the hug, wrapping his arms so tightly around Gilberts chest that breathing became a challenge.

“I’m the one who is sorry, brother.” Gilbert mumbled into Bash’s shoulder. “I have been so oblivious to the world around me and focusing solely on my desires.” His voice broke as a sob was working it’s way up. “Mary...”

“Would be so proud of you.” Bash pulled away, grasping tightly to his brothers shoulders.

Gilbert shook his head. “No she wouldn’t. She would be ashamed of the mess I made.”

Bash chuckled. “You have caused a right good mess, haven’t you?” Gilbert smirked as Bash patted his cheek. “No Blythe, she would be proud that you are learning from your mistakes. And through each one, you have found your way home. And more importantly,” he threw his chin over his shoulder to the stairs, “You made your way back to her.”

Gilbert knitted his eyebrows together. “How do you...”

“I know that temper of yours only flares up when Anne is involved. And by the look of that rich boy’s face, I would say it exploded.”

Gilbert touched his scabbed knuckles instinctively, his cheeks burning in embarrassment. “Yeah… may have gone a tad too far.”

“No kiddin’.” They exchanged knowing glances, immediately bursting in roars is hearty chuckles. He should feel guilty, knowing that Anne was upstairs struggling deeply, but he had to admit: the laughter felt good after days filled with fear and anger. It made it feel like old times, times before Paris and engagements. Before times of lossed loved ones.

At the thought of Mary, Gilbert’s stomach dropped. There was one last aspect he needed forgiveness for. “Bash,” Gilbert said seriously.

Bash stopped chuckling but a smile still played on his lips all the same. “Yes Blythe.”

Gilbert inhaled nervously. “I need to let you know how deeply I regret the cruel words I said about you and Mary.” Bash’s smile faded, suddenly realize just how serious this conversation has turned. Gilbert continued, “I have never thought that those things about either of you. Or of your marriage. I know the love the two of you shared… it was something of pure magic.” Bash nodded slowly, digesting the words. Gilbert began to grow anxious at the silent response he was receiving. “I hope one day you can forgive me or I can find a way to atone for them.”

Bash stopped nodding and rubbed his chin. “You finished?” Gilbert bit his lip and nodded. Bash grabbed hold of his brothers shoulder, readying to pull him into what Gilbert thought would be another hug and smiled softly. Gilbert smiled back, relief washing over him for the briefest of moments until he felt a fist plunged into his stomach.

“Christ Bash,” he sputtered as he doubled over. He couldn't catch his breath and felt the beginnings of his breakfast wanting to make a reappearance.

Bash smirked as helped his stumbling brother over to the sink, clapping him gently on the back. “It’s alright Blythe,” Gilbert spit into the sink as his mouth began to salivate. “Let it out.” Bash rubbed his back, a laugh laying in his tone.

“A little...” More saliva in the sink. “Warning would have been ni...” He gagged, unable to hold down the entirety of his breakfast from falling into the sink. .

“Ah! There we go!” Bash cheered, handing Gilbert the towel he has slung over his shoulder. “Good to know you can throw a punch better than you can take one.”

Gilbert glared at his laughing brother as he swiped the towel from him.“Yeah. We even?” He asked as he wiped his mouth.

Bash smirked, holding out his hand. “For now.” Gilbert rolled his eyes and threw the vomit covered towel at Bash’s chest. He caught it before it hit him, mocking disgust before tossing it aside before holding his arms out to hug Gilbert. “Come here, Gilby Goo.”

He happily accepted the hug, holding tight to Bash once more. “Love you Bash,” Gilbert whispered into his brother's shirt.

“Paris made you soft brother,” Bash said it jokingly but the tone of his voice was filled with an underlying tone of love. Gilbert understood that in his brothers own special way, that the insult was his own way of expressing his love for him.

The kitchen door slammed open and they quickly pulled apart from the other just in time to see Delly skip into the kitchen, sights set directly on her father and uncle. She ran over to them, jumping up excitedly as she announced. “Papa, Gilbur! Pretty lady here!”

Bash and Gilbert exchanges glances, knowing all too well that there was only one person Delly referred to as the “pretty lady”.

“It is a pleasure to see you again, ma’am! Here, let me take those heavy cases for you.” Hazel said from the porch.

A soft voice responded. “Oh, Miss Lacroix, you don’t need to-“

“Nonsense! You have travelled all this way, the least I can do is help you with your bags!” The screen door creaked open.

“This should be fun.” Bash mumbled under his breath as he placed a gentle hand on his daughter’s shoulders.

“Well actually they’re for Gilbert…” Her voice was tender as she stepped over the threshold. Gilbert swallowed as his eyes glued immediately to the woman’s face, which glowed with a radiant smile and sparkling sapphire eyes. The dark shade of blue on her dress flattered each of her curves perfectly and should have left him breathless but it never did. When her eyes found Gilbert’s, her entire demeanor seemed to falter, the air of elegance turning into something much less.

“It is so kind of you to bring Gilbert’s things.” Hazel busseled in the door behind Winnie, her tone still excites from the new company. “I’m sure he will appreciate… my lord Gilbert, are you feelin’ well?” Hazel questioned.

Out of the corner of his eye, Gilbert saw Bash pointing to the corner of his mouth, indicating a stray egg that he had missed with the towel. Gilbert quickly swiped the back of his hand across his lips, wiping away any last traces of vomit and nodded. “Just ate too quickly this morning.” He said with an awkward laugh.

“Anyway,” Hazel said slowly, clearly unconvinced. “Miss Rose has arrived with your things,” Lifting a dark leather case. *Yet another gift from your supposed in-laws. Gilbert bit his lip at the thought as Hazel continued. “Where would you like to me to put them?”

Words suddenly became foreign to him. He couldn’t find himself focus on any one word or person. Not with Winnie standing in the same room as him, giving him an expression he couldn’t clearly read. To him, deciding to break off the engagement has been easy, but now, seeing the woman whose heart he was going to break before the day was out...he felt like Bash has punched him in the gut for a second time.

Bash looked between the young couple, sensing the tension. He cleared his throat and nudged Delly slightly to the side as he reached for the bag. “Here Ma, why don’t we leave Blythe’s suitcase here and then head back out to the barn? Give these two some time alone.”

Confusion crossed Hazel’s face until she looked between the young couple staring at one another. “Ah yes of course. Uh, here.” She handed her son the suitcase and awkwardly continued to look between the young couple. Bash tossed the bag back into Gilbert’s chest, which he caught blindly. He couldn’t seem to move his eyes away from Winnie as he still tried to figure out her expression.

Delly shifted anxiously. “Me hungry!” She declared loudly.

Hazel rolled her eyes. “I swear child, you are going to eat us all out of house and home!” It was meant to ease the tension that seemed to be ever growing but it fell short.

Bash smiled down at his daughter and picked her up. “Come along my sweets. Let’s let Uncle Gilby and Miss Rose have some space.”

She crossed her arms and scolded her father. “Papa, Unsle Gilbur.”

“Right right, Unsle Gilbur, not Gilby.” Bash laughed, stepping towards the door before giving a small nod to Winnie. “Always a pleasure, Winnie.”

Winifred finally broke her stare with Gilbert and offered a polite smile. “As you, Sebastian.” He smiled in return, shooting a glance over to Gilbert before carrying his daughter out the door to play outside.

Wisps of curls moved slightly as the door closed behind her and her gaze returned to Gilbert. “Hello,” she said, the corners of her mouth lifting as she addressed him for the first time.

“Hi,” was all Gilbert could squeak out, his leather bag being held tightly to his chest. Winifred bit her lip, both appearing to be lost for words once more.

“I can make you something while I make Delly a snack Miss Rose!” Hazel sputtered out. Both sets of eyes traveled over to her in confusion as she laughed awkwardly. “Yes, that’s what I will do. I’ll make you something.” She immediately walked to the stove, grabbing pots and pans from the shelf above. “Eggs, toast?”

“Oh, no thank you Miss Lacroix. I won’t...” She stopped herself. “I’m not hungry at the moment. Thank you kindly for the offer though.”

“Oh,” Hazels face fell. Her eyes scanned the room quickly before landing on a basket of fruit. “Well I uh, I will take Delphine her snack!” Grabbing a plump red apple from the bowl and shining on her apron. “Ah perfect. I uh, will leave you two be, then.” Her words fell upon deaf ears as she exited the kitchen.

Gilbert shifted his weight, wondering what to say to make this any easier on her. He just needed to muster some courage but none seemed like it would come. Just get it over with. It’s going to hurt her either way. “Win...”

“You should go get changed.” She interrupted with urgency.

Gilbert’s jaw sat slacked. “Uh…”

Winnie took a deep breath, her voice calmer and said, “Sorry, I just mean, perhaps you would like to change before we talk. You’re in the same clothes I saw you in on Saturday.”

Gilbert bit the inside of his cheek, realizing she was correct. He desperately wanted to get out of the clothes that Anne had been coughing all over for days. Another realization dawned. It had only been a little over a day since he had last seen Winifred. And somehow, within that time frame, he had decided to break off the engagement and realized his true feelings for Anne.

“I’ll, uh, be right back,” he mumbled, trying to not reveal his shock and clambered up the stairs.

——

Gilbert splashed water from the basin on his face before glancing back up at himself in the mirror. The man he was staring at was similar to the one he saw a few nights ago. His chestnut curls cling to his face and his eyes were beginning to red around the edges, but he looked older, like this weekend had aged him. Or perhaps it was simply the lack of sleep. He knew he should close his eyes for a short while but with the height of his anxiety, he knew that wouldn’t be possible. Okay Gilbert, you can do this. It is not good for either of you to drag this out any longer.

He readied to head out the door, even went so far as grabbing the door knob before turning around and started pacing about Jerry’s room. “For Lord’s sake Gilbert,” he whispered quietly to himself. “You just need to get it over with.” After everything she’s done for you. Her family has done for you, you’re just going to break her heart. Two years you’ve been engaged! Two years! What kind of monster are you?

Gilbert groaned, shaking his head and sending water flying about the room. He had to do this. It would be a cruel disservice to continue along with this engagement when he knew that he loved another. Winnie was a wonderful woman and she deserved someone that would give her his heart fully. “Alright, I can do this.” His voice shook, trying hard to find any small amount of courage.

He caught a glance at himself in the mirror once more and straightened himself. “You have to do this.” He said with more confidence. Turning towards the door and this time without hesitation, he took the knob and clicked the door open, entering the hallway. Anne’s door sat ajar, a soft voice flowing from its opening.

“When Dorothy stood in the doorway and looked around, she could see nothing but the great gray prairie on every side,” he peered through the crack. Winnie sat in the chair next to Anne’s bed, an emerald book cracked open in her hands. Her voice was melodic as she read, not filled with the passion and vivacity that Anne would, but it was calming. “Not a tree nor a house broke the broad sweep of flat country that reached to the edge of the sky in all directions. The sun had baked the plowed land...”

He rapped his knuckles gently against the oak door, causing Winnie to jump and the book slipping from her fingers onto the floor. She looked at him, holding her hand to her chest. “Oh darling, you frightened me.”

“You shouldn’t be here, Win,” he whispered, not out of cruelty but of concern.

Winifred rolled her eyes and bent to pick up the fallen book, closing it and placing it gently on Anne’s bedside table. “Honestly Gilbert, I work in a doctor’s practice. I’m not frightened by the sick.” She glanced to Anne, whose breathing quivered as she shook from her chills. Winnie pulled the quilt up just below Anne’s chin. “Besides, someone needed to sit with her. Diana, who looked almost as ghastly as you, needed to go eat and clean herself up. And Miss Cuthbert went to check on how the water boiling was coming along.” She reached into the water basin beside the bed, ringing out a cool rag before placing it on Anne’s burning forehead. “Not to mention, I am also someone who hasn't been awake for two days and don’t mind taking care of a friend while the rest of you rest for a moment.”

He wasn’t sure how to respond, so instead he let his eyes drift to the book. “That is the book you got for her in Paris, right?” He asked as he crossed the room and picked it up. The Wonderful Wizard of Oz was written across the center in metallic gold lettering.

Winnie nodded, her eyes not quite meeting Gilberts. “I figured she would rather hear a story than anything I have to say.”

Gilbert looked down and saw an expression that surprised him. Her features were not filled with anger or envy, but instead they looked calm and slightly sad. “Miss Cuthbert said she seized last evening,” she whispered sadly, her eyes not leaving Anne’s scarlet cheeks.

“Yes,” he put the book down and bent over to adjust the rag on Anne’s forehead so water wouldn’t soak her hair. Slowly, he moved stray curls behind her ear before he went to wiping a stray droplet of water from her cheek. “She seems okay for now. Tired. But I’m expecting it to spike again soon.” He pulled away, realizing his hands lingered much too long.

Winifred bit her lip. “Darling?” she said to grab his attention.

“Hmm?”

“When Miss Cuthbert returns, will you walk with me? ”

He breathed deeply, knowing that the minute he was alone with her, he would have to do the task he was dreading. “I shouldn’t stray too far from here…”

“Just a short one, only to the edge of Green Gables.” He pulled his stare from the sleeping woman and looked at the one standing across from him. Her eyes had begun to glisten. She knows. “Please.”

Now's the time for you to be a man, Gilbert. “Okay.”

#anne of green gables #anne with an e #anne shirley-cuthbert #gilbert blythe #gilbert and anne #gilbert x anne #anne and gilbert #shirbert #shirbert fic #anne with an e fanfic #fanfiction #fanfic #awae #awae fanfic

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