#i just wanna fucking not be alive and i wont do it because i’m better but sometimes it would be nice
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i am not here a lot anymore but i just need to say that i am severely unwell and i will manage it and get better but i also want the ground to swallow me whole so i wouldnt have to exsist anymore UGH MENTAL ILLNESS PAIRED WITH HEART BREAK
#adding tags cause i dont wanna add any more Big Voice to this but#punishing myself with lack of sleep no food and binge drinking isnt helping#i just wanna fucking not be alive and i wont do it because i’m better but sometimes it would be nice#to voice your s****** thoughts and not have the whole world come falling down
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ABSOLUTELY UNHINGED COMEDIC RELIEF
ASSORTED QUOTES FROM TUMBLR TEXTPOSTS, X (formerly known as twitter) POSTS, TIKTOK, MEMES, AND OTHER SOURCES AROUND THE INTERNET
CHANGE gendered words and in-universe phrases as needed.
SPECIFY muse for multimuses.
“ Currently considering becoming a bother and a nuisance, maybe even a menace or a rascal. ”
“ Hungry? Eat the government. ”
“ Yes, I wanna fuck after every argument. ”
“ Silence, you uneducated peanut! ”
“ They should invent a being alive that isn’t so difficult. ”
“ Women have to think I’m hot or none of this matters. ”
“ Due to personal reasons I will be named an enemy of the state. ”
“ Being overdressed is a myth made up by people who didn’t want you to have fun and be sexy. ”
“ What even are daddy issues? Just traumatize your father back. ”
“ I LOVE complaining! You can’t take that away from me! ”
“ I went to the silly goose convention and they all knew you. ”
“ I’m simultaneously ‘I’m tired of this grandpa’ and ‘that’s too damn bad!’ ”
“ The word ew coming out of a pretty girl’s mouth holds so much power … I think that it can tear apart nations. ”
“ Someone made fun of my shoes and the whole time I just thought of ways to push them out the window. ”
“ If you’re short, simply get taller. ”
“ I better think twice? Buddy I don’t even think once. ”
“ My off putting looks, awkward demeanor, and strange behavior have captivated you. ”
“ There’s something deeply, fundamentally wrong with you. Can we kiss? ”
“ You are a fool. When you walk, clown music plays. ”
“ I mean yeah he’s evil and all but what if I were his favorite? ”
“ I really do hate thinking. ”
“ In my defense, I simply do not vibe with the law. ”
“ I’ve done nothing wrong. Except all the atrocities. Besides that, I’m innocent. ”
“ Sorry I couldn’t hear you over my internal monologue. ”
“ Of course you have white hair and trauma. ”
“ So apparently the bad vibes I’ve been feeling are actually ‘severe psychological distress’. ”
“ Stop calling me a bad person just because I’m orchestrating your downfall! ”
“ The more lip gloss I collect the longer I live. ”
“ Sorry that I am obsessed with you in the unhealthiest way possible. As if it's my fault ”
“ The multiple failed assassination attempts against me have helped build both character and self esteem. ”
“ I could be your loser boyfriend. Do you ever think about that? ”
“ Accidentally went and got myself killed yesterday, but god wont let me die so I’m back ”
“ What do you mean napping isn't a good coping mechanism? What do you mean my problems are still here? ”
“ Academic validation is required for my sanity. ”
“ RIP to everyone killed by the gods for hubris but I’m different and better. Maybe even better than the gods. ”
“ Researching the stages of grief to see if I can get them finished in ten minutes tops. ”
“ My parents were like I’m gonna make a child that is so beyond help. ”
“ It’s not easy to admit when you’re wrong, and that’s why I won’t do it. ”
“ Why can’t this family ever have a funky good time? ”
“ How do I show people that I’m more than my unethical career choice? ”
“ I fucked my way into this mess, and I’ll fuck my way out. ”
“ You look so biteable today. ”
“ Why am I suffering? I have so many correct opinions and takes. ”
“ I AM HAUNTED BY A PAST THAT I CANNOT GO BACK TO! anyways ”
“ Challenging authority, angering gods. The family business. ”
“ Third base is me telling you about my father. ”
“ Hey girl. Plagued by terrifying visions? ”
“ Got caught giving a fuck. Embarrassing. ”
“ I didn’t ‘miss’ the red flags; I saw them and thought that they looked sexy. ”
“ Do my dark circles and deteriorating health make me look hot? ”
“ I get my news from the only reliable source, cryptic symbolism in my dreams. ”
“ Another day of being a bisexual disaster. ”
“ I’m going to let myself be a little unhinged today, as a treat. ”
“ Some of you act like murder is such a big deal. ”
“ You wanna hunt me for sport so bad that it makes you look stupid. ”
“ You’re not a girlboss unless you’ve killed someone. ”
“ It’s so weird how no one ever has correct opinions about things except for me. ”
“ Hello, my love — I mean, my rival ”
“ No one is calling me baby and it’s outrageous I can’t believe it. ”
“ No talking stage. Mutual obsession and you see god in my eyes or nothing. ”
“ I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOOKUP CULTURE DIE IN MY ARMS ”
“ Yes baby your emotional walls are high and impenetrable can we kiss now? ”
“ Affection is disgusting. Drown me in it. ”
“ I am gatekeeping my respect from you. ”
“ Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions. ”
“ I am equal parts fuck around and find out and please don’t yell at me I’ll cry. ”
“ Short legs, big butt. I’m a corgi. ”
“ Fuck being the bigger person; I’m going to start biting people. ”
“ Well that wasn’t very slay of you! ”
“ May I please get a crumb of affection? ”
“ I crave power! Please don’t yell, though; I’m sensitive. ”
“ You call it a near death experience; I call it a vibe check from God. ”
“ Here are some scissors. Now cut it out. ”
“ Might commit a little tomfoolery, maybe even some shenanigans. ”
“ All these flavors, and you choose to be salty. ”
“ How can I live, laugh, love in these conditions? ”
“ What if I said ‘to be honest’ but then lied? ”
“ I'm financially at a stage where I understand why people do fraud. ”
“ Yes I may be evil and morally corrupt, but I’m also incredibly beautiful and I think that makes up for it honestly. ”
“ Debates are stupid. Why would I want to sit down and argue with someone blatantly dumber than me? ”
“ I forget but I do NOT forgive.. I'm just walking around hating bitches can't remember why ”
“ Ding dong your opinion is wrong! ”
“ I’m coming for your kneecaps. ”
“ You dropped your nose you fucking clown. ”
“ Are you a fire alarm? ‘Cause you are really fucking loud and annoying. ”
“ Call me an escalator, because I let people down. ”
“ I love me a good lesbian scandal! ”
“ If you can’t run away from your problems, you’re not running fast enough. ”
“ Everything I want to do is illegal. ”
“ Don’t make me hit your ankle with my Barbie scooter! ”
“ I tell gay jokes because I am a gay joke. ”
“ Fuck! I dropped my mental stability! ”
#askbox meme#askbox prompt#rp ask meme#ask box#roleplay sentence meme#sentence starters#roleplay prompts#roleplay sentence starters#* sentence meme
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how do you know you wont act upon the urges? doesnt the whole "searching out for more" thing about porn still apply to paraphilias? do you not fear of getting too comfortable and accepting of your paraphilias? how do you not fear of slipping up and acting on them?
Tw rape and paraphilia discussion
Here’s the thing you don’t know me lmao. I just make little tumblr post’s and that isn’t indicative to who I am as a person 24/7.
You have to accept your paraphilias actually that’s a healthy thing to do. You might be getting acceptance crossed with encouragement. You might wanna check my b3astiality tag but some studies found that actual beastiality isnt often committed from sexual attraction it’s usually motivated from other means. I think more often its commited sadozoophilia or sadistic zoophilia where you enjoy animals in pain.
I dont have that lol, i also am not afraid im gonna “do it” because i cant even act out my zoophilia specifically cause i only like animals x animals. So if i “lost it” the worst thing i could do is idk?? Watch animals get nasty like a little creep. Issue is i also only really get sexually attracted to animals like threatening wolves. So id specifically have to seek out tigers? Cause thats kinda close, even then its iffy. Probably isn’t gonna do anything for me tbh cause its still so far off.
It means typically what’s happening is my system is getting down w it internally or someone wants to do feral rp. You could commission art i guess. That’s still not that “crazy”
Let’s pick something else though. I have a few paraphilias and my zoophilia is basically useless. It’s not something I’m ever worried about but how about biastophilia or rape. That’s if you ask me much more worrying. Very real world and very easy to do.
That one specifically, because of my extensive sexual abuse history is what I’d call my “problem paraphilia” it also isn’t really recognized as one officially but thats okay this is more about answering the question “how do you handle impulses?”
I have gone and done extensive therapy for trauma, I’ll be honest pre-therapy i committed minor or major acts with sexual assault. So it’s a very alive problem. Because of DID i also didn’t even know i did this until roughly last year. So thats cool. Here’s what helps impulses I’ve found for paraphilias that actually have teeth and can cause serious harm.
Trauma associated with the paraphilia has to be treated, its a strong motivator to act. I did EMDR and still do it works very well for me. Secondly finding an outlet and appropriate expression is important it doesn’t have to be BDSM it could just be breaking things in a controlled area or drawing, walking, something to let out the energy that fulfills you and makes you feel safe.
You can still do BDSM, CNC does scratch the itch pretty well but what I find solves it more are trauma related grounding techniques. I have to avoid and neutralize triggers, do grounding techniques, toss in some DBT and CBT. Its an art form.
Do I feel like im gonna slip up ever? Honestly, yeah. Sometimes I feel out of control and it’s developed into a paranoia of “its gonna happen im a monster ect” that circles back to grounding and trauma therapy. I have my own set of grounding techniques when I feel that way. I do them until I become confident again that I’m okay and stable. If I can’t seem to that I do old reliable. Get the fuck away from me. I’m out of here im chilling in my room alone until this shit gets better.
Since the “paraphilia” or impulse is trauma based. I find i am most dangerous when someone tries to rape me. How ironic! This has happened a lot unfortunately and became a legitimate defense mechanism. I am quite happy to be monogamous now because instead of dealing with shit heads i get to be with my partner. If someone starts acting that way towards me now its easier to blow them off because i can justify thats cheating. So none of that bullshit.
Since my ex raped me a lot. Were talking upwards of 100+ cause it was weekly for 8 years. If i see someone that looks like him i can get a little angry that way. But after therapy its been pretty died down. It’s not a very visceral reaction i can accept the emotions and move on.
In summary, i think most paraphilias if theres is no harm specifically in their definition its not gonna be a problem. When it is though it’s best to learn DBT and CBT i enjoyed EMDR and my therapist helped me understand the signs before you commit to an impulse. Which will look different for everyone. You have to accept its a part of you as well. I didn’t pre therapy which meant i never understood until it was to late what i wanted to do. Recognizing your past, your impulses and how that’s also you and then embracing them and giving those parts of yourself resources to cope better is so hard. But it’s extremely important to do. It’s not beneficial for the person acting out those things either. It comes with guilt, shame the inability to trust yourself. Thats why it’s so important to even acknowledge its there.
With my sexual abuse it’s a family tradition/s the one that they all have in common is no one accepts it. No one talks about it. No one addresses it. You have to accept these things or else the cycle doesn’t stop. Hope that answers your question :>
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3x03 1/3 He is ready with a soda, coffee and a pack of cigarettes. The essentials to watch qaf: ‘okay let’s do this! How will they piss me off now?..look at my Bri Bri hanging out with his son! BRIAN? VOLUNTEERING? Yeah, right. He made files for them? I need an episode where they just show him working and coming up with shit because I wanna see my baby shine!!! HE IS MAKING THEM PAY THEM? HAHAHA GOOD FOR HIM! *he is now screaming on top of his lungs* 100% OF NOTHING OR 80% OF MORE THAN YOULL EVER FUCKING DREAM OF. BRIAN FUCKING KINNEY!!! although he would deliver that line bette- oh I don’t like that car.’ Tv is now paused because he has a lot of feelings about the car. ‘Jeep was better. Jeep is better! But if he wanted a classic or something cool, why not a mustang or something? And i know what youre gonna say! (I want everyone to know, i wasnt gonna say shit since idk shit about cars) People think ‘vette is better but i, a proud owner of a mustang 66 *holds his palm up* DIS *snaps his hand down* AGREE. This *waves to paused corvette* is shaped like a peanut! Nobody wants to drive in a peanut. Nobody likes that car unless they are 70. Why would he buy this? I get that he’s spending money cause he misses Justin but this? Not cute. And not to be hetero car dude but i just want to know what does he like about a peanut shaped car?’ There was A LOT more about the car..A LOT more. It involved youtube videos. ‘EVEN MIKE KNOWS ITS BOYFRIEND REPLACEMENT! FINALLY I AGREE WITH MI-oh god, see what this peanut did to me? It made me agree with Mike. YOU DID HAVE A BOYFRIEND! Oh look! Bri Bri isn’t suicidal about being 30 anymore. (Brian says he plans on being dead by 39) well never-fucking-mind. You are most definitely *starts singing* STAYIN ALIVE, STAYIN ALIVE AH AH AH AH STAYIN ALIVEEEEEEE BECAUSE I, I, I WONT LET YOU DIEEEEEE. Ohhhhh road trip to New York? COUNT ME IN! I love New York! Is he gonna go to new york and then blondie goes after him to kinda make a cool parallel to the time blondie ran off to new york? OH MY GOD I WAS SO WRAPPED UP IN THE PEANUT I DIDNT NOTICE THEYRE PLAYING MY FAVORITE SONG!! Stupid fucking peanut’ ‘i love seeing Debbie smile and happy but a cop? Really?’ ‘ITS BRIAN! Why does he look nervous? Did he just stumble? HES GOING TO JUSTIN?!?! OH MY GOD OKAY OKAY (his name) BE CHILL! We can do this, chill *pauses the tv and actually physically shakes his whole body* HE HAS A PROPOSITION?! Of course he went to Blondie for it, is he trying to win him back-no! We aren’t doing that Bri! He fucked up. But seriously is he trying to win him back? DIDNT HE TEACH YOU ANYTHING? Never do what youre good at for free! *waves to Brian* he is so hot.’ ‘What procedure did Melanie do? I dont wanna be dumb and wrong but how could she have something wrong with her uterus and then a laser can fix it all? That sounds wrong, did a man write this? Probably. Who will be the fath-BRIAN?! He didn’t even cause you that much problems. WHO KNOWS IF HES EVEN NEGATIVE?! FUCK YOU BITCH! FUCK YOU ALL THE WAY DOWN TO HELL! He better not give her his sperm!’ Ethan just popped up on tv ‘OH FUCKING HELL i forgot he existed since i havent seen him in a while. HOW DARE YOU CALL HIM JUS! Nobody. Nobody on this Gods green earth is a bigger snob than you goat boy. No, someone HE knows, YOU don’t even know how to properly shave, call me back when you can actually grow a beard. He isn’t trying to win him back because HE didnt do anything wrong! You are SO fucking jealous. Jealous of his money, jealous of his life and jealous of his looks….rightfully so. But it doesn’t look good on you swetheart, just like that goatee. PROVE IT? I am begging every god that has ever been talked about to PLEASE MAKE THIS STOP’ *immediately pauses tv* ‘every time someone does or says something nice to BriBri, he asks what they want, HAS NO ONE BEEN NICE TO HIM EVER?! Except blondie until he fucked it up. And me! I’m nice to him too! I don’t want Brian to have more kids, i know theyre cute but what if you end up with a boring kid? What if you end up having a Ben?’
CARNIVAL! Such a good episode.
Brian making them pay him is so iconic. This guy.
YES I know nothing about cars so I'm glad your brother can weigh in that the Jeep is far better than the 'vette. Sorry not sorry, the corvette does look like a peanut and it screams mid-life crisis. And just to point out 30 IS NOT MID LIFE. (Sorry read a fic [in a different fandom] where the two characters were 34 and described as middle aged and I had to throw my phone across the room).
Your brother describing Brian as so hot gives me life. Thank you. And yes to all the screaming that he goes to Justin for the poster. You just know that was in his mind the entire time he was negotiating.
‘What procedure did Melanie do? I dont wanna be dumb and wrong but how could she have something wrong with her uterus and then a laser can fix it all? That sounds wrong, did a man write this? Probably. YES men definitely wrote this. Otherwise the female representation would have been... y'know... representative.
Melanie trying to decide who the father should be and then 100% goes with the most wrong choice ever. Let Emmett father a child!
Jealous of his money, jealous of his life and jealous of his looks….rightfully so. But it doesn’t look good on you swetheart, just like that goatee. <- this is legendary and I will never ever be able to watch Ethan and not think this.
very time someone does or says something nice to BriBri, he asks what they want, HAS NO ONE BEEN NICE TO HIM EVER?! Except blondie until he fucked it up. And me! I’m nice to him too! HAPPY SIGH. He gets it, he really really gets it. The people I have coming to me about the house on fire analogy he made. I'm telling you, you've got to introduce your brother to fanfiction...
What if you end up having a Ben. I DIE. (also, true)
#ask winderlylandchime#dear sweet anon#queer as folk#a straight man watches qaf us 2000 in the year of our lord 2023
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”Why are you sad” WHY ARE YOU HAPPY? HOW CAN YOU BE HAPPY WHEN THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN FEEL JOY IS BY HAVING ENOUGH MONEY TO GO DO STUFF THAT IS FUN IN THE MOMENT BUT ULTIMATELY STILL LEAVES YOU EMPTY INSIDE BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO THE WORLD IS BEING FUCKED OVER IN A MILLION DIFFERENT WAYS BY PEOPLE WHO DONT HAVE COMMON SENSE AND THERES NO HOPE IN TRYING TODO ANYTHING ABOUT IT BECAUSEIT JUST DOESNT WORK. HOW ARE YOU HAPPY WHEN ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO BE ON THE INTERNET WITHIUT SEEING EVERYTHING BAD IN THE WORLD. THE ONLY WAY TO BE “HAPPY” IS TO BE AWAY FROM LITERALLY EVERYTHING, HAVE EVERYTHING CONTROLLED AND PERFECT. AND HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO ISSUES. UNTIL YOU DIE. BECAUSE EVERYTHING ELSE, WALKING DOWN THE STREET, EATING, SLEEPING. EVERYTHING JUST REMINDS YOU THAT SOMEONE ELSE IS CONSTANTLY SUFFERING FOR NO FUCKING REASON AND THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT BECAUSE YOURE A CHILD. AND SOMEHOW ADULTS DONT CARE. THEY DONT CARE ABOUT THE DEATHS. THEY DONT SEE THE BLOODSTAINS ON EVERYTHING AROUND THEM. THEY SOMEHOW AVOID IT ALL.
WHY ARE YOU HAPPY? BECAUSE BEING SAD. BEING ANYTHING ELSE. IS TOO DIFFICULT. WHAT ARE WE JUST SUPPOSED TO ROLL OVER WHEN SOMEONE ASKS IF YOURE OK? NO. BECAUSE THIS IS HOW EVERYTHING WOULD GO
“hey man, you ight?”
“NO I AM NOT ALRIGHT, EVERYTHING IS AWFUL EVERYTHING IS BAD. THE “GOOD” IS MOSTLY JUST GASLIGHTING, A SUNNY LITTLE PICTURE OF FALSE HOPES AND PROMISES TO CALM YOU DOWN AND KEEP SOCIETY FUNCTIONING BECAUSE IN REALITY EVERYTHING IS BAD, THE BAD COMES SO MUCH AND THE GOOD IS SO SPARSE YOU HAVE TO PHYSICALLY REMIND YOURSELF OF IT, AND IF EVERYTHINGS OK WOULDNT IT BE EASY TO FIND OUT GOOD NEWS INSTEAD OF DIGGING THROUGH THE INTERNET TO FIND ANYTHING? ISNT IT RIDICULOUS THAT WE ARE LABELLED AS “MENTALLY ILL” FOR HAVING FUCKING COMMON SENSE? WE ALL REALISED AS SOON AS WE GAINED SENTIENCE
“HEY WOW, ACTUALLY THE WORLD IS KINDA HORRIBLE!” AND INSTEAD OF FIXING IT EVERYONE ELSE WAS LIKE “YEAH BRO MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT THAT, YOURE CRAZY. THE WORLD ISNT AWFUL! LOOK AT OUR LITTLE RICH WHITE NEIGHBOURHOOD, EVERYTHING IS PERFECT AND NOTHING IS WRONG! YOU ARE STUPID FOR THINKING THIS.”
LIKE BRO. NO??? ITS NOT OK? I DONT “GET SAD” I AM SAD. THIS ANXIETY DEPRESSION, COCKTAIL NEVER SUBSIDES. IT IS JUST IGNORED. REPEATEDLY. BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO FORGOT TO SURVIVE.
YOU HAVE TO GRIT YOUR TEETH, WIPE YOUR EYES AND DISSOCIATE. BECAUSE YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN IN YOUR HEART THAT NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE FOR THE BETTER. YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE MINDSET OF:
“Well Im alive now, I might as well enjoy it” BECAUSE THAT IS LITERALLY ALL YOU CAN DO.
I WANT. TO BELIEVE. IN THE POSITIVES.
WE ALL DO.
BUT LOOK AROUND.
IT WOULD LITERALLY TAKE A MIRACLE, NOT A SMALL ONE. A NATIONAL. WORLD WIDE. MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE MIRACLE. TO FIX THINGS.
BUT THATS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
YOU CANT EVEN TAKE COMFORT IN RELIGION BECAUSE RELIGION IS LIKE “yeah no everythings gonna be like really bad and get worse and worse until everyone dies”
like. SERIOUSLY.
so NO. I am not “ok” and if you are. Congratulations. You’ve achieved a level of ignorance I TRULY wish I could obtain.
you wanna know why NO ONE TALKS LIKE THIS?
BECAUSE IF EVERYONE ON EARTH KNEW THIS. EVERYTHING WOULD COLLAPSE.
And I’m not saying you can’t be happy. YOU CAN! I am often happy! I have a lot of good moments. Life is worth living! Until a certain point you can always experience joy. There will always be SOMETHING. Good.
I’m sorry it sucks. I want it to change, I want to be happy. I want to go outside knowing that there’s a future, that there isn’t just misery ahead of me.
but I can’t do anything about it.
I can’t seek therapy. I can’t tell anyone.
because all they do is try and get me to be happy again, different strategies!! Different Methods! Different medication! So much medication :,D but I’m tired of people telling me not to be sad.
Stop trying to fix the individuals with drugs and cheesy advice.
FIX THE WORLD FOR US. THEN THE CHILDREN WONT NEED TO BE HIGH ON PAIN KILLERS TO BE HAPPY.
(I try to keep stuff like this to a minimum on my blog but at this point this is the only way I can safely put my opinion out into the world without being put into a mental hospital or yelled at.)
#tw vent#tw swearing#tw depressing thoughts#tw depressing stuff#tw drugs#tw death#cw vent#cw depressive thoughts#vent tag#vent post#vent
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𝐋𝐄𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐃 ! / sentence starters pulled from the 2015 movie ‘legend’ starring tom hardy . some lines may have been edited for better use, change whatever you want to suit your character interactions . trigger warning for general gangster activity . part two of four .
❛ you daft cunt. ❜
❛ we’ve got to fucking sort this. ❜
❛ woah, woah, woah . what the fuck ! ❜
❛ i will fucking map you up, southie. ❜
❛ no, no, no. go on, let him in. he’s only little. ❜
❛ how do we know that we’re going to be safe ? ❜
❛ well, that’s a little thing called trust, ain’t it ? ❜
❛ trust, eh ? you always got one bloke harping on about trust, don’t you ? ❜
❛ whoa, no. no, no, no ; right you, get him out of here. you, fuck off. ❜
❛ it’s a fucking rolling pin. who are you, fanny cradock ? what you gonna do with that ? you gonna bake me a cake ? you gonna sing me a song, watch me blow out me fucking candles ? ❜
❛ i come here for a proper shootout with some proper men, like colonel custer and geronimo. have you heard of ‘em ? no. ‘cause you were too busy in your pinny baking fucking fairy cakes, weren’t you ? ❜
❛ this lot are fucking nonces to a man. they’re fucking nonces. ❜
❛ get out my fucking way, go on, get out, fuck off. call yourself a fucking gangster ? ❜
❛ a shootout is a fucking shootout... like a western. wankers ! fucking embarrassing. waste of my time. fucking waste of my time. ❜
❛ he’s just generally disappointed with you. that’s all. ❜
❛ when you see him next, you tell him from me that i say ... fuck him, right ? fuck his brother and fuck that fat fuck that hangs out with him all the time. fuck your face, yeah ? and fuck the fucking lot of you. ❜
❛ you wont mind if i fight back, will ya ? ❜
❛ before we start, i got a little joke for ya. you’ll love this one - a paranoid schizophrenic, he walks into a bar ... ❜
❛ what, are the americans trying to muscle in on us ? ❜
❛ you say ‘our’ and you also say ‘we’ a lot, my question is, do we share the last name ? ❜
❛ this is a very bad idea, a very bad idea indeed. ❜
❛ i say we meet these scum at the airport, we pick them up, we chop them up, put them in their fucking luggage and send them straight home, mate. ❜
❛ we can do your security, not a problem. but we don’t want to work for you, we’d much rather that we work with you. ❜
❛ no, i understand, we’re in your backyard, right ? ❜
❛ i’m glad we could make a deal, this feels right. ❜
❛ you got a lot of fucking balls to admit that, kid. you know what ? you got some fucking set of castagnas on you. ❜
❛ you know what i say to that ? bravo ! salute, am i right ? what fucking balls. salute ! ❜
❛ you don’t understand, he’s not what you think he is, he’s really sweet ! ❜
❛ just because you have a boring life, doesn’t mean i have to as well. ❜
❛ as long as their health doesn’t suffer, high rollers love rubbing elbows with gangsters. ❜
❛ aristocrats and criminals have a lot in common. they’re both selfish, get bored easily and have access to wads of cash that they didn’t have to work honestly to get. ❜
❛ no one here has any interest in bourgeois rules or morality, mix that in with roulette wheels ? a stunning recipe for success. ❜
❛ as soon as you turn your fucking back. life, it just plays dirty tricks on you, you know ? ❜
❛ are you sure this is where you wanna be ? ❜
❛ fucking let them have it, don’t let them do you like this ! ❜
❛ did you know, its possible for a person to become a ghost while they’re still alive. ❜
❛ i’ve heard you and that's your problem, that's your problem, not mine. ❜
❛ i want to build a city in nigeria, for the children - near enugu ! ❜
❛ did you know that enugu is the african word for utopia, did you know that utopia is the greek word for nowhere - ❜
❛ do not meddle with the foolproof way of making the money. ❜
❛ i am not a banker, i’m not a fucking banker! ❜
❛ don’t you threaten me, you cunt ! don’t you fucking talk to me like that! ❜
❛ you will trot along down to the fucking back and you will fetch me my fifty thousand pounds ! ❜
❛ i may work for you, but i’m certainly not afraid of you - ❜
❛ this is prison. its the law of the jungle in here. ❜
❛ i promise you, this wont happen again. ❜
❛ life isn’t always the way we want it to be, life has other plans, it’s the way it is .. its life. ❜
#gangster rp#sentence starters#starters#rp starters#prompts#angst#legend rp#legend 2015#crime rp#crime starters#mob starters
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i dont know if this is just me but i am so goddamn sick of “sympathetic” villian characters getting off scot-free or getting exactly what they want. i cant tell you how much i hate it when characters do the worst things and we’re told to root for them. (this section is a great tldr, so if you dont wanna read the rest you can just read this part.)
“boohoo this one person wont date me, so i’m gonna blow up the town.”
Okay, I guess there is a difference between characters with truama lashing out and sympathetic villian characters but like. consequences man. I don’t give a fuck about how sad or sympathetic they are, they still did shit. this may or may not be me projecting over something ive been through, but ive so goddamn sick of these characters being excused for absolutely horrendous things because they’ve got a perfect “boohoo” story. I fucking hate the “one person died. SO IM GONNA KILL EVERYONE ELSE” thing. You know what i want to see? said sympathetic characters trying to fix shit or atoning. Like Count Bleck (super paper mario). Man decided to litteraly wipe reality itself off the board, including the afterlife. Sure, i felt bad for him, but if they had just left him alive with no atonment, that’s be such a fuckin let down. Instead, Count bleck pulled a sacriface along with the love of his life (in a very touching moment) to fix the mess he caused in the first place. now thats the way to go.
I would like to see a “sympathetic” villian get the shit beaten out of them sometime. Have it be a gratifying moment.
“shouldn’t you feel bad?” THE FUCK NOT? Not when the only reason they’re “sympathetic” is because the narrative tells us to feel bad, and when thier prescence in the story has been nothing but SHIT.
For example, lets say.... there’s this antagonist. Oh no!!! boohoo, thier mother’s dead. nobody likes them. You know what they do? they go around cocering people to get close to them so they can use them as tools. They’re tools for them to say lovey-dovey things and for them to feel up(to touch.to have thier way with) . They tell thier friends that if they dont give them what they want, then that they’ll kill themselves. they kick dogs. they know that everything they’re doing is wrong, but does it anyway. they get hurt on purpose to guilt other people and to keep them under thier thumb. they’re malnipulative. they’re cruel. they don’t give a fuck. they know they’re fucked up, but they don’t try to better themselves becasue they dont WANT to. and they use thier background as fuel to attract more people so they can sucker them into doing what they want.
Am I gonna feel bad for them when they get thier ass thrown into jail later on in the story? THE ANSWER IS NO. FUCK THEM. A character having shitty things happen to them and said character continuing to do shitty things does not make them likeable. or sympathetic in my opinion. granted, there are always more scenarios where what im saying is wrong, but i cant cover every goddamn scenario.
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Vent # 160
Tw: Suicide
It is really difficult to want to be alive. Suicidal ideation has kinda got a hold of me lately. I know it would hurt people but thats starting to bother me less and less.
I’ve told everyone I care about that I’m suffering. They all know my opinion on suicide and how i do 100% believe it is an inevitability for me, not because im depressed and want to die all the time, but because i want the last thing on earth i do to be something I can control. Lord knows i havent been able to control anything I need to, i want a comfortable death.
i’ve thought about how i’d do it and i wont go into details but i have it pretty well thought out, it’d just run me about $30-45 ish
i just wanna know how other people can do it. They can handle the mundanity of everyday life. It feels like a sisyphean nightmare. I can’t do it I’ve tried. I dont know how to function properly. I don’t know how to handle other people. I dont know how to act. I dont know what Im doing. Im so scared and i feel like i know nothing i feel so stupid and worthless. I dont care how selfish other people think suicide is i truly dont at this point. Why should I? It’ll hurt them for a while sure but if i keep at life like i am with the cyclical shit i am going to end up much Much worse than I am right now. and there’s no way to end the cycle. I need serious psychiatric help i think, like institution level help but a good one that will actually help me. but that costs So So So much money and if i am already at this overnight care place i am not going to be able to work and i am going to go into debt again and my credit is going to be even worse than it already is. I dont know what the fuck im doing i feel like i know nothing about anything and i need help but whenever i ask for help all people give me is fucking advice and i cant do anything with fucking advice i dont know how to make the first steps. I know its fucking childish but i really Really need someone to physically show me how to be a better person. not in a moral sense, just related to how i exist as a person by exhibiting socially appropriate behaviors and making good decisions for myself.
i just want a break.
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no regrets (8/8) | r.b.
summary: For the first time, he thinks of a future he could have, and someone who loves him, and there’s something bright in his heart. Or, Reiner finally understands what peace is.
WARNINGS: MANGA SPOILERS!!! angst, mentions of violence, we get our happy ending :)
pairing: reiner braun x fem!reader
word count: 6.7k
a/n: welcome to the last chapter!! thank you so much for being on this journey with me. there are a few callbacks to previous chapters so see if you can catch ‘em all heheh
masterlist
crossposted on ao3 x
Few months ago ymir asked if I could let her write one last letter to krista, and I did let her. I stood over her shoulder the whole time, watching her pen down all this sappy shit and I kept thinking about you the whole time, behind those walls. What you were doing, what you were thinking. Maybe if you thought about me. I dont know.
I’m starting to see the appeal of wrting what youre not strong enough to say to a persons face. I never thought Id find myself on the other end of this stick. for some reason, I thought that I could stop myself, resist the temptation, or maybe that I didnt feel for you as strong as I thought I did once I was away from you. I was wrong.
What do I even say? I mean shit, I can barely see, my limbs are barely in tact, and all of it—shiganshina, it haunts me, even though I cant really remember it that well. Half of it goes black and then I remember hearing your voice, I remember Bertholdt, I remember you screaming.
You couldve walked away. why didnt you walk away? It doesn’t make sens. Why did you think to cut me out? Why did you try to save me? Im trying to make it make sense inmy head. It’s not working.
Fuck I dont know what I was thinking when I asked for a paper and pen. Why am I asking you questions? Its not like ill ever understand. At this point, I think it’s pity thats letting Zeke let me waste ink on trying to write straight. He doesn’t know what im doing, but thats better this way. Better than sleeping—better than eating. I just wanna talk to you and this is as close as I can get. Its my own damn fault, but I dont care.
I completed my mission. After this, im done. ill give up the rest of my term. I dont want any of that glory anymore. I dont want to be a hero. Im just done.
Fuck, my head hurts so much. I dont really know if what im saying is making sense. Im hoping you never read this.
im sorry. I wish I could explain it to you some day, but chances are, ill be dead soon. Whether for treason or because they need to pass on the Titan, and I wont be able to see you again. Which means youll never know how sorry I am. How much I
Thats okay. I dont think youd believe me now even if I did say anything.
I remember your dream to live by the lake with a bunch of kids. You know I started to wonder if youd mind if they were our kids, not just some orphans who needed a home. I’d imagine one of them with blond hair. Imagine them swimming in the lake.
Never told you that was my dream too. Never knew i could have a dream of my own, something only I wanted and not just something to further marleys damn agenda, til I knew you. Sounds stupid but its true.
I think youd like Marley, if we weren’t sworn enemies. Just want you here with me right now. make me sleep easier knowing you’re there when I wake up.
Dont want secrets either. Fuck I miss you so bad. I feel s o tired all the time.
I rember when i first saw you all could think about was how you were the most prettiest girl id ever seen. I don know if you know thats why I tried to distance myself. Knew I couldn’t get distracted from my mison. happened anyway. Wish I could tell you that.
wish I could tell you I love you. Wish I could see the look on yur face when you try lobster for the first time. Youd love it. Not sweet, but tons of desserts here too.
Shit. And the ring on your finger. ill put a ring on your finger. I promised. i swear ill go home and buy a ring for the moment I see you again. Might not be pretty but will do the best I can.
Olnly wnat only wnat only want to see you again and beg for your forgiveness. Let you know if I had a choice, I wouldnt have done it. Would take it all back, nd stay. i wanted to stay, stay with you and the others. I used to want to spend the rest of my life in those walls, now I think im sick and tired of them dividing people who arent even that differnet.
My eyes are beginning to burn. Worse because the skin is sitll growing back. Fucking hell god I miss you. miss your smile more.
I know i dont deserve your forigvneess forgiveness. I want you to be angry with me. I deserve as much, and I cant ask you to, but
With love,
Rienr
You fold the letter, eyes closing as your fingers trace where the ink bled, the old tear stains wrinkling the paper beyond measure. Some are older than others, and you trace over his name again, your eyes burning, your throat tight enough to suffocate.
You’re leaning against the wall as everyone disembarks. They had taken Eren off first, Hange and the others getting ready to depart for the city while Connie and Jean lift a covered stretcher too white for the vivacious girl that lays dead beneath it.
They pass you silently, and you catch sight of a certain captain approaching, his pale eyes nearly swallowed by the shadows haunting his face.
“Captain,” you say, straightening. Placing the letter back into the tin, you slide it back into your pocket as he folds a green jacket over his shoulder. You give him a nod.
“You made it out alive,” Levi observes. He stops beside you, eyes more focused on what’s ahead. No doubt he’s not looking forward to having to take Zeke to wherever he needs to go—somewhere far, far away from Eren. You cross your arms.
“It’s good to see you, too, Levi,” you intone. Sighing, you step in beside him and look out at the Walls you can’t see in the distance, your entire body wrought with a strange fatigue that’s only sewn into muscles by adrenaline leaving the body. “I think I’m going to stay.” He tilts his head to you, eyes flickering to your face, and you mirror the shift, your arms tightening. “I can’t leave this unfinished. Not after Liberio.”
“The farm will have to be abandoned,” he points out. “The kids, too.”
“I’ll make sure I move them where someone can take care of them. Somewhere north, far away from the brothers,” you assure, although still, your heart begins to sink and you close your eyes, exhaling deeply. “I have to hope they understand.”
Levi only nods, and you open your eyes as he wordlessly takes the jacket off his arm and offers it to you. Grasping it wearily, you open your mouth to ask questions but he only sets off, back towards the cabin where Zeke is still being held, and you snap your jaws shut, looking down at the jacket.
When you unfold it, you swallow the hard rock in your throat at the blue and white slipping beween the folds of olive green before there’s a sharp whistle. Looking up, you see the carriages already beginning to load up, and you glance back at the door where the captain has disappeared through before jogging down the ramp.
You slither your arms through the sleeves and shuffle the fabric along your frame as something thumps against your thigh, and you frown, reaching down into your pocket and coming into contact with something smooth and hard.
Withdrawing, your lips part at the green bolo tie gleaming in the lights of the port and you, without another thought, pull it over your head, letting it fall against your breastbone.
“For your services to the Survey Corps.”
There’s no time to second-guess now. No time to debate.
“Good to have you back,” Hange murmurs as you walk towards the carriage taking Mikasa, Armin, and the others back to the city. You tug the lapels of the jacket tighter around yourself and flash them a weak smile.
The Wings of Freedom on your arm feel like a brand, and it prickles your skin as you climb in after them.
.
Distantly, he remembers flashes.
Eren reaching forward for Zeke, the exhaustion ripping him every which way, the sound of ODM gear whizzing in his ears as he tries to make sense of the punctured sensation in his armour.
How he had softened his nape, intending to die then. At least, let his death have some meaning, he had thought. Let him make one last effort to repent for everything he did to Paradis, and to his friends who’d been more family than his own mother.
He slips in an out of consciousness for the next few days. He doesn’t know what is up, what is down, but he does recognize his surroundings blearily, the way his head spinning somehow slowing when he presses his temple to the wooden floor.
How can he almost hear your voice in the echoes of the panels, countered by someone who almost sounds like Annie before he drifts off again.
When Reiner finally regains consciousness again, he wakes to someone crouched down in front of him. Jerking up, he lets out a sound before a palm slaps over his mouth and your face is shoved against his own.
“Shut it,” you whisper fiercely. “It’s just me.”
Your name muffled by your own hand, his eyes begin to burn and you lift your palm away as he sits up and you draw back. You’re dressed in clothes that look like they’ve seen better days but you’re relatively uninjured as you pull back. New lines adorn your face—one of the many prices of their damned war—and you only look exhausted.
Sitting up, Reiner’s whole body groans as he leans against the wall, but he can’t tear his eyes away from you. Your hands are hovering around his body like you’re scared he’ll collapse and there’s a fracture in your mask.
Something gleams on your finger and his eyes flit to it, his heart lurching when he realizes what it is.
The ring. You’re wearing it. You…
For a moment, a glimmer of their teenage selves shine through and he wants to reach for it—touch it so he can remember what it’s like to be happy. He thinks it’s an awful like now; the swelling of his heart so big he can’t breathe; the way his lungs are static in his chest; how he can’t say anything because there are so many words that want to come out first.
“You’re here. You’re alive,” he finally settles on raspily. Your eyes glint with a youthful pain as you nod.
“So are you.”
And he doesn’t know who moves first—you or him. Nothing is forgiven as their bodies crash in an embrace that lacks grace, but they cling onto another like the world is ending and they’re the only ones left standing.
Maybe they are.
He buries his face in your neck, and your arms are so tight around him your fingers dig into his shoulders as your body melts against his and his skeleton sags in his own body.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers against your skin, eyes fluttering shut. “I‘m sorry.” A hand against your neck and an arm around your waist, he wraps his legs around your own and traps you against him. You seem to only sink into him even more.
Is that enough? I don’t want you to hate me.
You suck in a breath, and then it comes out shuddering. “You can spend the rest of what life you have left repenting for making me fall in love with a man who was always supposed to die.”
Softly, in his mind, your voice cools the searing heat of hatred inside him. It’s enough. It has to be.
“I’m sorry,” he says again. It’s like they’re the only words he knows. He can’t remember ever meaning it this much. For him dying, for making you love him, for ever coming to Paradis. For loving you. For loving you. “I’m so sorry.”
“I know. I know.” Your face turns to press against his own. Your lips brush against his jaw and his eyes slide shut, tears rolling down his face. “I read every single one of your letters.” Drawing back, you cup his face in his hands and your fingers smear his tears all over his cheeks as his palm rests against your neck. Thumb stretching up to touch your chin, he feels sobs shuddering in his throat at seeing you again—looking at him almost like you used to. “I can’t begin to understand, but I know you are. And I know you love me.”
Choking, he gasps, “You should hate me.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I should.” You’re crying, too, voice thick, tears stubborn on your cheeks as you give him a watery smile. “I should hate Marley, too. But it’s beautiful there. The water by the sea… I want to be there with you next time. We need to go together, before you leave me alone, okay?”
Reiner doesn’t quite hear you. He hears Marley, and beautiful, and he’s never noticed how beautiful you are when you cry, but right now, it’s the simplest truth he knows.
“Okay.”
When you tilt his chin up and kiss him softly, something inside him explodes from the gentleness that makes him want to crack in the palm of your hands. It sears him from the inside out, makes him grab onto you like you’ll disappear—this is another dream, isn’t it?
It has to be.
You can’t be kissing him again after four years. He doesn’t deserve it. You’re an illusion, something his mind made up to deal with the pain. He’s finally cracked for good, just like Bertholdt said he would, and he’s the devil, not you.
But then you pull away just for a moment to smile, eyes barely open as you look at him with a sad tenderness that wraps him in an invisible embrace, and he is faced with the heart-wrenching reality.
The sky is falling, you are holding him tightly again, and they’ve lost their years. But you’re here. With him.
He knows that this isn’t a dream as he feels the coolness of the silver band on your finger and the heaviness in how he knows he hasn’t repented a damn thing.
Why him?
As you run your hand through his hair, you press their foreheads together.
“And I do want a family with you, by the water if you’d like,” you murmur fleetingly against his mouth and his eyes widen, cheeks burning, entire face crumbling as he turns his face in to your shoulder, crushing you in another brace. Sobbing into your neck, his fingers dig into your shoulders, wrap tight around your waist, squeeze you so close he isn’t sure where you end and he begins and your lips brush the shell of his ear. “Reiner, say it.”
“Please,” he whispers thickly into your skin, and you cradle the back of his head with a hand. He’s nothing more than shambles. “Please, don’t go.”
“I’m not letting you out of my sight again,” you promise. His breath is hot against his own face as you pull his head back and cradle his face again, thumbs brushing away the tears from his red face. “Just a bit more. A bit more and then it’ll be all over, you know?”
And he understands, then, what you want from him. Struggling for breath, for his lungs to stop seizing in his aching chest, he cups your face that turns into his palm on instinct, your face wet with your own tears as, for a moment, they try to pretend this isn’t where they really are.
Like they’re still in that afternoon in Trost, a thousand years ago, with the kids flipping coins into the water fountain and a cream bun between them. Like they’re under the tree, apple juice on your wrist and his lips on yours.
Like it’s those trips to the city, the walks on the Walls. Honey is dripping down your chin and he’s pretending he doesn’t want to kiss you, or there’s grease smeared on his forehead, and you’re reaching up to wipe it off his skin.
Like a thousand moments all at once, and he nods to himself as you brush your hand over his temple. The world outside is startlingly quiet, as if the universe itself stopped everything itself to watch this moment, and Reiner takes a breath that bruises his sternum before he’s holding your left hand where that ring still sits.
And slowly, he pulls it off, whispering as firmly as he can. He’s sure he fails—he’s shaking all over from your presence alone.
“When this is over, I’ll put that ring back on your finger. I promise.”
The smile that splits your face is dazzling. It’s the smile he’s missed since the day he left it.
“We have a lot of things to work out, Reiner Braun.”
And your fingers barely brush his jaw before you’re leaning to press a sweet kiss against his mouth. It’s sugary on his tongue, like honey and apple slices.
.
Your back is warmer when you’re pressed up against Reiner’s. The ship is quiet, and their pinkies are just barely hooked on oen another’s as you stare blankly at the empty space between Connie’s boots. You don’t speak, and Reiner’s gaze is only on you. He can’t look at anything else now that you’re back by his side again.
There’s a cut on your cheek from the fight just half an hour ago, and there’s dried blood along your hands where your knuckles had split open, but everyone seems too exhausted to clean themselves up.
Reiner himself has a blanket pulled over his shoulders, and he sighs, slouching in his own sack of flesh.
Your head tilts towards him, enough that your temple presses against his cheek. His eyes close and he leans into your touch. Not a word passes by, but their hold on each other’s hands tightens. And Reiner thinks.
For the first time, he thinks of a future he could have, and someone who loves him, and there’s something bright in his heart. Something that hasn’t burned since he left Marley as a child.
Reiner thinks he doesn’t want to die anymore. He doesn’t want to miss you for another moment.
.
Raising from the steam, you groan, your hands searing from the inside out as you touch your face where you swore every inch of your skin had been stretched, but nothing seems out of sorts as you glance around. Everywhere, all your friends who had turned just as you had are in various states of disoriented. The air is still hissing, crackled with surprised screams and shouts of names as people look for one another across the field.
It smells like cooked meat and burnt hair, a none-to-pleasant mixture that turns your stomach.
Getting to your feet, you wipe at your face, trying to ignore the weird feeling underneath your nails and the ache seizing your muscles. Trying to ignore the remnants of Eren lingering like a ghost that won’t really leave you alone. You shiver, and a strange cold sweat takes over your body.
He had taken you to the sea, except it wasn’t the shore you were familiar with. There was a cabin nearby, with blonde children running, chasing after one another and a man with golden hair standing on the porch, firewood in his arms as he calls out silently. Or maybe you had been standing too far to hear.
“Eren… where are we?”
“Wherever you think you are,” he had said. “I just brought you where you wanted to be.”
A voice, quiet as a memory, catches your attention. “Here let me help.” A soft wind blows throw the mist, cooling your scorching face as you feel a presence stand behind you.
“Oh, thank you.” You look over your shoulder to see a tall boy, and your heart stops. Mouth dropping open, you stare at his foggy image, but he only smiles fully, a smile so tender it reaches every corner of you as you stumble forward, fingers stretching for him. “Bertholdt!”
His smile grows only that much more, eyes squinting a bit and a flash of teeth before he’s looking at your hand that passes through his chest. All at once, all the hope built up in your chest crumbles, and your hand snaps back, trembling just before him. He lays a hand over your own and your eyes begin to burn, tears slipping down your cheeks.
And then, softly, you barely whisper, “I miss you.”
Bertholdt’s smile merely grows, as if to say everything he couldn’t say before. As if to show he’s at peace now—that your last memory together isn’t every part of him, and your lips press together, trying to stop yourself from shaking.
Shadows form in the fog, and together, the two look as a freckled boy and another girl steps out of the mist a distance away, beaming like the sun. Connie and Jean stagger to their feet just behind you, and your heart lurches into your throat when you recognize them.
“Marco! Sasha!”
Someone calls your name and you turn around just as arms scoop you up and you let out a surprised noise before settling into Reiner’s arms. Looking over your shoulder to look at Bertholdt, your heart only sinks.
He smiles and Reiner lets out a sharp breath beside you, settling you down. “Bertholdt…” More shapes emerge. A shorter boy accompanied by another taller one, both alike in their features. You recognize one as the Jaw Titan holder before Falco, but the other—
“Marcel!” Reiner chokes out the name, hand stretching out to the fog, but the boy merely tilts his head and waves.
Closing your eyes, hot tears streak over your cooling flesh as you fling your arms around Reiner again and press your face into his neck. He cradles the back of your head, and he feels… somehow weaker, but still, there is that impassable strength in his core that wraps around you as he watches over your shoulder, still clinging on despite your clothes hot enough to burn.
I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive. It’s the only thought in your head. Your last clear memory had truly been the others taking flight, and the pain that had ripped apart your body before sewing it back together again in unjust proportions. Your limbs had been too big, your blood racing too warmly through your head as your legs pumped but your brain screamed to stop.
Your fingers had sank into Reiner’s legs to pull him down and you had watched—watched Jean take a bite out of him—
You shiver and Reiner’s arms tighten around you instinctively, constricting enough to let you know that his attention isn’t on you quite yet.
Boots shifting on the ground tentatively, your knees feel gummy as you draw back long enough to look at him. He still looks over your shoulder, and you follow his gaze to watch the mist retreat. Bertholdt and the other two boys fall into a pool of fog, and your lips part in a farewell, but it’s already too late.
He’s gone.
A wind sweeps through the battlefield, tickling your sweating neck and cooling your boiling blood.
“Hey,” a soft voice croaks.
Their eyes meet in tandem. He regards you softly, like you are the reason the sun rises and the stars hang at the sky. Overwhelmed, you can only cup the back of his neck and pull him into a deep kiss. Your other hand along his jaw, it takes all you can not to pull him into a bone-crushing embrace that’ll send them both to the ground.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” you whisper hushedly against his mouth, throat swelling as he lets out a soft noise of surprise as you pull him into another tight hug. You don’t care that you’re crushing him, just that his heart is pounding against your own chest. “I couldn’t stop myself. I’m so sorry.”
His eyes widening, he wraps his hands around your wrists and pulling you back just enough to kiss your fingers that crumple against his mouth. Clasping one of his hands in both of your own, you close your eyes and he uses his free fingers to brush the tears off your cheek before reaching into some dented tin you don’t recognize.
Eyebrows furrowing, you feel the heat leave your entire body, sapping your energy too, and your eyes snap to Reiner who steps back, cracking it open and presenting it to you.
“You’re not the one who has to be sorry. I don’t think I’m the Armoured Titan anymore,” he whispers. “I don’t know if I get the rest of my life back, but either way, I want to spend the rest of it repenting to you in any way I can, if you’ll allow me to.” A weak smile. “Truth.”
Your throat closes up, and you stare down at the ring so protected, gleaming despite the destruction around them. It looks almost out of place amongst the grime smearing your skin, the sweat drenching their skin, the smell of blood and metal clinging to their clothes, but Reiner only watches you with a tenderness you can barely meet. It’s so overtly overflowing with devotion that your heart is resting on your tongue, seizing control of everything.
You barely nod, chewing on your lip, trying not to cry even harder as his eyebrows rise in relief and he lets out a long sigh.
He lifts the ring out of the tin, snapping it closed before sliding the band back home onto your finger and all at once, everything floods you. The exhaustion, the pain, the hunger, thirst, grief wrapping around your bones and chaining you to the ground.
It’s over.
The minute he put the ring on your finger, it would mean it was over. No more blood, no more fighting.
Just like he promised.
You barely croak out his name before you fall to your knees. You trust him to catch you, and he does.
[THREE YEARS LATER]
Just after the Rumbling had stopped, you had gone back to Paradis alone and came back with three children to a man who was still uncertain in a world that was changing.
Since then, you’ve learned so much about the world, about yourself, about Reiner.
How he’s seized by night terrors even now, just like you, and how one thing that soothes it is going out for a walk while the sun still simmers below the horizon, the sky a dark navy blue spliced with orange rays. The intricate details like him making a point to tie his own tie because his father never taught him how or the way he has to chug his coffee so he has enough energy to get through the day.
And some days are horrible, haunting, but now, it is far outweighed by the good. He teaches Xav how to dress smart, takes the girls out shopping. Sometimes, he’s spotted around Liberio with a flame-haired boy riding his shoulders, you trailing behind hiding a smile behind some ice-cream.
Different nations, foods, cultures surround you now—citizens of countries coming to settle down roots, spread cuisine to Marley. The idea before, of humans so different than you but still similar at the root of it all, existing, still blows your mind. The technologies that you had never seen before, languages you’d never heard, sights you’d never seen, had all swarmed you as you stepped into a new world with him.
But there is always one thing you’ll come back to.
Leaning against the railing in the port city Reiner told you was the harbour he had left twelve years ago, and returned to seven years ago, you watch the clouds travel in slow drags across the pale blue canvas hung high above your head. The water spans for as far as you can see, glimmering under the sun and gorgeous enough to take your breath away. You pull at your coat across your chest absently, ignoring the tender growl of your stomach.
Breathing in the salty wind, you feel your chest expand at the litle fishing boats a little ways out.
Reiner was right. You don’t get sick of the sea. You never will—not of this much water. You still remember the first time you had swam in it, the salt-water making your hair crisp, the cold sweat forming on your your sun-warmed skin.
You feel a hand on your shoulder. Looking up, you spot blonde hair and warm eyes and smile. Your heart flutters a bit. You shift on your feet.
“Hey.”
“Hey.” Reiner leans down beside you, and you clasp your hands, letting the sea wind curl against your neck. Reaching to slip his hand in between yours, he sighs and you lean against his shoulder, glancing at their pile of interlaced fingers. “Are you okay?”
“Of course,” you whisper, although even still, you can feel a numbing at your fingertips. You remember what it was like to be a Titan, even now. The sensations haunt you—flashes of your own mutated body, the grotesque meat of your hands sinking into the ankles of the man beside you, the bloodcurdling roar spilling out of your throat.
Glancing at their fingers, you watch the flashes of silver of the rings play in the sunlight, your band now having a matching counterpart on his own hand. You grasp his hands tightly, bringing them up to your lips and his own grip tightens when you dust a kiss gently along his scarred knuckles.
“No,” you finally say at length. “I’m not okay. Going back to Paradis makes me nervous as hell, but we’ll manage.” He nods slowly, and you let go of his hands to wrap your arms around his neck. His own encircle your waist, pulling you flush against him and your eyes close at the familiar warmth—a warmth you’ve woken up next to most days for the past three years.
“Have you eaten yet?” he murmurs, and your fingers play with the soft edges teasing at your pads as his nose presses against your cheek. Your eyes flutter at the soft heat emanating from his skin, and you shake your head, melting against him. With one arm still around you, he slants his body away from just enough to pull a bag out of his pocket and it crinkles as he hands it to you. Taking it, you frown and look inside.
A cream bun. You can’t help the crumbling in your expression and Reiner holds your face in his hands carefully, kissing the corner of your mouth.
“Let’s stay positive,” he whispers. “We don’t know the situation until we get there and Historia briefs us.”
“I know,” you whisper and his entire expression eases at your words. His eyes gaze at you as if you’re the sole centre of his universe, and he cups your jaw more insistently, pulling you in for a gentle kiss, one you ease into, your eyes fluttering shut as his tongue traces the seam of your mouth. Laughing, you feel his little nose scrunch and your heart bounds up into your throat as he pulls back only to kiss you again, softer this time.
“Get a room!” A sharp female voice ruins their moment and you pull back just enough to see a red-headed boy running towards them and Reiner crouches down just in time to scoop Xavier up.
“When are you getting married?” he demands. “I was promised cake when you guys got married.”
“I dunno. When you move out of the house I guess,” you tease and Xavier pouts, rubbing at the side of his nose with the heel of his palm.
“Besides, you got cake for your seventh birthday, buddy,” Reiner groans as the boy twists in his arms. “You’re getting heavy. What are you feeding him?” he adds, smiling roguishly at you and you roll your eyes as Alina and Anya approach, sun hats protecting them from the glaring sun. Alina, grocery bags in hand, waves. Anya, who’d been the one to shout, tucks her coin purse back into her bag before flashing you a great big smile.
Only fifteen and seventeen. You can barely recall what it’s like being that young anymore, but you’re grateful they didn’t spend it the way you did. They get to know beauty, and no limits at all. The former comes naturally, the latter is partially because Reiner spoils them rotten.
Alina picks a flower with velvety purple petals from a bouquet she cradles in her arm, extending it to you.
“For good luck,” she says. “And protection.” Your heart melts at her words and you pause for a moment, looking from the gorgeous bloom to Reiner, occupied with the boy in his arms making silly faces at him. Then, without another moment, you sneak the flower behind his ear and he reaches up immediately to hold it against his head, turning to you in surprise.
“To protect the both of us,” you explain.
“Thank you. I’ll be extra careful now.” He looks at the girls, setting his free hand on Alina’s head heavily and she flushes, smiling grandly. “You three behave while we’re gone, alright?”
You nod. “Listen to Levi.”
“And listen to your sister,” Reiner adds to Alina and Xavier. The former rolls her eyes, the latter sticks out his tongue. “I’ll miss you.”
This is their home—their family that tumbles together into a huge hug, and you can’t help but stand back, watching how they all seem to merge into one unit, unaware of where one part of their reach ends and another begins.
As Reiner pulls you into the hug, your heart soars through your body, effortlessly pounding in your throat and in your fingers and everywhere at once. Liquid heat pools everywhere as Xavier screws up his face when you kiss his cheek, the same way Reiner does after he’s eaten something sour.
And maybe it’s a bit different, or a bit broken, the shards of their bloody history still poking at their heels whenever they think you’ve forgotten them, and it’s most definitely not perfect, but you would rather have it like this then anything else.
“Hey, guys!” Breaking apart, the family look over to see Armin, Annie, and Pieck walking over. Gabi and Falco meander a little bit behind, pushing Levi in his wheelchair, and Jean and Connie are running not far behind them, shouting at one another. You stifle a laugh and Xavier shimmies out of Reiner’s hold to run towards them. The girls follow after him, trying to hold back their runs but the closer they get, you can tell the more frantic they are to say goodbye.
So this is what they’ve made a peace. Something, you hope, is good.
Annie bypasses them quickly, making her way over to you and you survey her face as Reiner squeezes your shoulder, walking over to their friends. Her blue eyes are fixed on your face, and you feel your lips curving into a smile as she shoves her hands in her pockets. Her hair is swaying in the wind, gleaming flaxen, and you remind yourself, not for the first time, that Armin and Annie’s kids, if they ever decide they want them, will be gorgeous.
Hope for the future, and all that.
She stops in front of you, tucking a strand behind her ear.
“So,” she says at length, “we’re going back to Paradis. I’m surprised you decided to come with us. You don’t owe any of us anything.”
“I know. But… you’re my best friend. You do the talking, I fly the getaway plane, right?”
“Yeah. There used to be a time when it probably would’ve been the opposite.”
You nod, and they stand in silence for a moment, watching each other. Two women who should not have been friends, but were against all odds. You don’t think you would be here today if it weren’t for Annie.
Your heart lurches and you take a step forward just as she does, her mouth open to say something. You throw your arms around her and she lets out a noise in surprise as you close your eyes. Arms coming underneath yours, her hands dig into your shoulders and you smile against soft hair as she sighs, easing into your hug.
“Finally working together on an actual assignment,” you mumble and her head tilts as her small frame shifts, a hand patting you on the back as a sign for you to back up. “Just like we always said we would.”
Bluntly: “Just don’t do anything stupid.”
“You, too.” Pulling back, the two look at one another for another soft moment before you remember the bag in your hand and you shift the bun up in the bag, extending it towards her. “Want some?” Her eyebrows rise in faint delight, before she’s reaching over, pinching and tearing a piece off.
You grin and do the same and you gesture for her to come stand by the rails with you, stuffing the bag into your coat pocket. Leaning against the warm metal again, you hear a seagull call. The plane you’ll be flying to Paradis floats on the water, the technicians giving it the final check before you take off.
If anything goes wrong while you help prepare and oversee accommodations for the rest of the ambassador group, you’ll remember to fire the black signal flare, but you trust Historia. You trust your friends.
You glance over at them, all laughing, and you notice that the flower has gone from Reiner to Pieck, who’s taking it out of her dark hair to tuck it into Jean’s, and his cheeks redden as he brushes it more securely behind his ear.
Annie catches your attention again, pointing out idly that they’ll have to separate soon when they finish with the plane, and you tell her to just wait a couple minutes more as Reiner catches your gaze. Setting Xav, who has somehow wormed his way back into his arms, down, he walks back over to you, and his hand trails purposefully over your back before resting at the nape of your neck, a reassuring weight on your body.
“You guys okay?”
“We’re fine,” Annie replies. “You have a clingy boyfriend,” she tells you.
“I think it’s charming.”
She rolls her eyes. Reiner smiles, and you pat the railing beside you—silent invitation. He leans in on your other side, clasping his hands and watching the fishermen pull themselves to shore, singing a tune to each other—one familiar to all three of them and one that you wish you could get out of your head.
“Soon may the Wellerman come…”
A faint breeze tickling at your fingertips as a sharp call for embarkment splits the harbour, you simply sigh and look over at Reiner. “I just want these last few moments to last.” His eyes meet yours, and he leans forward to press a kiss between your eyes. Annie lets out a soft noise of disgust and you bump your hip against her as Reiner pulls back.
Closing your eyes and lifting your head to the wind, you can almost imagine the one person missing standing on the other side of Annie, dark hair like spun, stained bronze and eyes like warm chocolate. He’d smile and tell them not to worry in that sincere way of his that makes you believe every word he says—as long as they were careful, they wouldn’t walk into any traps.
Your chest aches, and your lips tug into a heart-wrenching smile as you begin to sing along. Reiner slips a hand in between yours, pressing his temple against your head and you loop your other arm through Annie’s.
She rests her head on your shoulder, listening to your voice, eyes on the sailors bringing in their haul below them. Reiner hums the shanty softly, distractedly, eyes cast across the sea.
You tilt your head up to the sky, at the stars you cannot see but will join one day, and smile.
#fic: homebound#reiner braun#reiner braun x reader#reiner braun x you#reiner braun imagine#reiner braun fic#reiner x reader#reiner x you#aot#aot x reader#aot x you#attack on titan#attack on titan x reader#attack on titan x you#attack on titan fanfiction#snk#snk x reader#snk x you#shingeki no kyojin x reader#my writing
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jealousy, jealousy || tom holland
sour masterlist || tom || sour taglist
906 words
w: it's fucked up and it's inspired by some personal shit that i'm going thru, i mention some psycho shit
italics are lyrics + important note at the end.
* * * *
Retweets.
Likes.
Reacts.
Shares.
Views.
Reblogs.
Followers.
Those are the main ingredients for relapsing in our insecurities. Those things make us drown in jealousy and anger. We claim that we’re happy for other people, but it’s hard to be happy for them if they get the things that YOU want. It feels unfair and it feels like being happy for them is rubbing salt in the wound.
We all have our winning moments, but sometimes we feel like our own winning moments aren’t enough to make us happy. So, when will we finally be happy? When we get a million followers? When we get a million likes, reblogs, and retweets? A billion views until it goes viral? Billions of shares until the app crashes? Truth is, we don’t know. We don’t know until we get there.
You knew that it was unhealthy for you to be jealous of some girl, but you were supposed to be in her place. The title of being Tom’s girlfriend is supposed to be and is rightfully yours. Somehow, everything became fucked up and Tom ended up with some other girl who clearly wasn’t you. You can’t help but feel as if the universe sabotaged you when in reality, Tom just met her and after a few dates, they’re now going steady. The universe had nothing to do with it.
Everyday, you keep refreshing her Instagram profile just to see if she posted a new picture or video or an Instagram story. You knew you shouldn’t do that, but you couldn’t help it. You wanted to be happy for Tom, but he was supposed to be happy with you.
She was perfect. She had perfect teeth, perfect sense of style, perfect hair, she’s basically Little Miss Perfect and it’s actually sickening to think about it constantly. Deep down you knew you were just as pretty and just as perfect because fuck society and their standards, but you can’t let your thoughts go. You were sick of being yourself because you were convinced that you weren’t fun or interesting. You wanted to be her and it became an obsession.
You would always compare yourself to her and you would think about her often. Whenever you pick out an outfit, you’d always ask yourself if it’s something she’d wear. If the answer is no, you’d put the outfit back and look for another one. It was so unhealthy and everyone was worried about you. Tom didn’t know that this was going on, but everyone else noticed how weird you were being whenever Tom and his girlfriend were around.
“She went to Brazil with her friends recently. Tell them, babe!” Tom excitedly nudged her before she told her amazing vacation story. You wanted to roll your eyes, but you didn’t want everyone to see that. She was talking about the vintage clothes she bought there and her phone was passed around for everyone to see her photos in Brazil. Admittedly, you thought you were crazy for thinking these things. You should be happy for her and Tom, but it was difficult.
They say we shouldn’t bring down someone during their winning season because we don’t know how much they lost in their losing season. As much as you believed in that, you can’t help but feel that her win is your loss. Even though it’s not true, you still thought that way. You were tearing yourself apart over someone who wanted to be your friend, but your jealousy was hindering you from doing so.
You wanted to be her so bad that you swore to yourself that if you were a psycho, you’d probably wear her skin just to be her for at least a day. The only thing stopping you from doing so is the fact that you’re not a psycho and you’re a good person. Technically, you were capable of skinning someone alive and wearing their skin, but you choose not to listen to the call of the void. It would wreck you if you did.
It’s karaoke night and everyone was there. To get this off your chest, you decided to sing ‘jealousy, jealousy’ by Olivia Rodrigo. When you sang the bridge, you meant every word. Only Harry seemed to catch on as he listened intently.
All your friends are so cool, you go out every night
In your daddy’s nice car, yeah you’re livin’ the life
Go a pretty face, a pretty boyfriend, too
I wanna be you so bad and I don’t even know you
All I see is what I should be
Happier, prettier, jealousy, jealousy
All I see is what I should be
I’m losin’ it, all I get’s jealousy, jealousy
When the song was over, everyone clapped and told you that you sounded really good. “Wow, I didn’t know you could sing like that, Y/N! You sound really good.” She smiled brightly at you. “I’m jealous. I wish I could sing like you.”
You wanted to tell her that you were jealous of her too because she got the man of your dreams, but you took the compliment because for once in your life, someone you’re jealous of is jealous of YOU. That’s so fucking rare and it doesn’t happen to everyone. For once in your life, you had the upper hand and it made you happy. Genuinely happy. In this round, you were finally better than her.
You stared at her and grinned, “Thanks.”
* * * *
i apologize to the writers in this site who im jealous of. there's so many of you, but i want you all to know that im sorry for feeling so jealous and insecure of my own shit that i let it get in the way of getting along with you. im sorry for cutting people off all bc i got consumed by jealousy and im sorry for being an asshole and i understand if the friends i used to have here won't want to talk to me anymore. it's all my fault and i'd be the cause of my own death, i swear. anyway, i wont tag any of you bc i want to avoid stirring shit up and also, none of you will see or read this. i hope you're all okay and i wish you guys everything good in this world. im sick of feeling this way. i need therapy.
to my friends @blueleatherbag @justasmisunderstoodasloki @hjoficrecs @allyz, i want to thank u for being super supportive and thank u for staying by my side when everything was rough. i love all three of you and im sorry if i dont say it enough.
𝐒𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓: @celestialholland @alinastarkrovs @piscesparker @prancerrparkerr @spideyspeaches @givebuckyhisplumsnow @blueleatherbag @theonly1outof-a-billion @hollandbroz-n-haz @starlight-starks @webmeupspiderdaddy @studiesinspanish @bi-lmg @minejungwoo @blossomhollands @markhyucksmells @ilikealotofpeople-younotsomuch @simonsbluee @itszulli
#tom holland#tom holland blurbs#tom holland x reader#tom holland x y/n#sour album#petersasteria#k's works#tom holland angst
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Any parallels or similarities you find in eremika and obikaka? I’m interested to hear your takes.
unlike obikaka, eremika isn't in my top two for it’s show (sasusaku, obikaka, erejean, aruani) however eremika is still a favorite of mine similarities and parallels alright there’s a bunch now that I think about it
eren and obito ... were genocidal maniacs who genuinely believed they were doing the right thing and they dd these things partially for themselves but also for their loved ones they had no qualms of killing innocents but at the same time had a plan for people to be brought back to life/from being titans and that they ensured they would die
now eren thought armin was going to be the one to kill him and obito thought he’d be the one to kill himself with rinne rebirth or whatever it’s called but in actuality Mikasa kill eren and Kaguya killed obito HOWEVER the only other person who came close to killing obito was KAKASHI and he would have had Minato not stopped him had naruto taken the tone of aot kakashi for sure would have ended Obito’s life
in personality eren and obito have similar temper issues the crybaby I wanna do this unattainable goal personality they weren’t really skilled at anything but they always wanted to be the best they were reckless and as children hated seeing anyone left behind anyone they valued human life very much
mikasa and Kakashi are actually very similar yes yes adult kakashi reads porn and is lazy as fuck unless its the battlefield but why is he like this? because of obits death. and it’s not just oh he decided to become a better person no he modeled his new personality from obito Mikasa doesn’t do this but she too changes after eren saves her of course trauma changed her from a sweet happy girl to the Mikasa we know but more than that Kakashi’s loss of obito and Mikasa’s saving by eren fundamentally change their personality and outlook on life
EM antis will say that Mikasa’s life revolves around Eren which in some ways yes a lot of the things she dos has to do with Eren because he’s her precious person and she wants to keep him safe she doesnt want to loose someone again but you know no one ever points this out Kakashi’s personality also revolves around obito due to obito being “dead” no one calls it out but everything he does the way he talks the way he fights the way he treats people is all connected to obito
kakashi calls obito his “eiyuu” his hero and for Mikasa eren is the very same as obito saved kakashi from being crushed dead eren saved Mikasa from being sold off and we also see in these instances that obito and eren are willing to kill for people who they barely know/seem to dislike I know team Minato was in a war but obito had parallels to naruto and 13 year old naruto refused to kill anyone even if they had hurt his precious people eren well... dude has always been a little unhinged but so has obito it just didnt seem that way because being unhinged was the normal for Ninja if u were sane u clearly shouldn't be a child solider for hire in a military dictatorship
also just angst yea that's a similarity angst cuz like Mikasa and kakashi will never get to be happy with their loved ones because eren and obito are dead had they been alive they would have been executed due to committing literal genocide kakashi has no body to bury and Mikasa only has a head they cant have a grave with their names on it and yea yea obito might still be on the memorial stone in boruto but u really think anyone outside of team 7 would be alright with the man who started the 4th shinobi war being honored among the people he killed?
people will hate them rightfully so because they did terrible things but for Mikasa and kakashi it’ll be devastating because they love eren and obito so much but other than armin and naruto you wont find anyone else who seems to accept that they feel such a way (tho I wanna believe my favs jean and sakura would be ok with it cuz jean has always been soft on Mikasa and eren while sakura would understand the feeling of liking someone who did bad things but regretted it but that doesnt take away said bad things)
theres a lot more but I feel like im honestly just repeating the same things sooooo if I were to parallel obikaka with a ship it would be bakudeku from bnha or sasusaku (ik ik people are gonna be like but it’s more like sasunaru and to that I say naruto never saw sasuke as a criminal and he always wanted to save him while sakura tried but couldn't cuz she loved him so much and that's very much like Kakashi’s feelings toward obito no hate towards sasunaru tho I ship it I just like sasusaku and sasunarusaku better)
phew this is long sorry anon
#eremika#obikaka#kakaobi#eren yeager#eren jaeger#mikasa ackerman#hatake kakashi#uchiha obito#tobi#jean kirschstein#aruani#armin arlet#annie leonhart#Annie leonhardt#sasusaku#uchiha sasuke#haruno sakura#uzumaki naruto#naruto#attack on titan#shingeki no kyojin#snk#aot#team 7#boruto#erejean#sasunarusaku#sasunaru#sns#bakudeku
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By A Nose
Submission for Writer Wednesday 5/12
Summary: If you're going to talk the talk, you better be able to walk the walk. Or, proof Poe Dameron is a terrible loser.
Word Count: 1528
Tags/Warnings: Poe Dameron x Reader, Modern AU. Implied smut but mostly in passing. Some bad words. Poorly edited because as usual I finished this at like 11 and my kids get up at 5 so I need to go to sleep.
Author’s Note: THREE FICS IN A WEEK WHO AM I?
Okay, so I cannot be the only one who saw the photo for this week's Writer Wednesday (thank you once more for hosting, @autumnleaves1991-blog!) and went the direction I did. If I am the only one, well, just further proof my brain is certifiable. Make sure you comment on when you figure out where this fic takes place.
There will also be an accompanying headcanon coming for this probably tomorrow, because there was SO much material I wanted to use but couldn't make fit. Thank you @paper-n-ashes for brainstorming with me and being the best hype-woman ever.
“AAAAHHHHH.”
“WE’RE GONNA DIE.”
“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!”
“FINN!!” You smack him. “There are small children here!”
But he’s too busy screaming to pay attention.
On the other side of you, Kaydel looks decidedly green. She lets out a pained moan as your vehicle makes a particularly hard turn. “I’ve got a bad feeling about this…”
You pat her knee as you fly through a kitchy town. “Hang in there, honey. It’s almost over.”
The village elder’s well wishes still ringing in your ears, you pull up next to another idling transport. From the driver’s seat, your boyfriend winks at you.
“You’re going down, Dameron!” you holler at him.
He makes the universal ‘I’m watching you’ gesture. “Eat my dust, losers!”
Finn yells back something that has you smacking him again, shooting an apologetic glance to the second row of Poe’s transport, where Snap and Karé are sitting with their daughter Nora. Snap’s hands fly to cover Nora’s ears while Karé laughs heartily.
Next to Poe, Rey holds her thumb and forefinger up to her forehead in an ‘L’ shape. “Second place is the first to lose!”
Before any more trash talking can occur, you see a flash of red out of the corner of your eye and then both vehicles take off, bursting out of the dark into blinding sunlight.
You both fly over the rusty terrain, neck and neck as you navigate under rocky overpasses and around hairpin turns. From the second row of your car, you can hear Maz lobbing profanities at Chewie in the other ride. He’s yelling back in his native tongue (which you still only understand half of). Beside Maz, Leia and Han are both laughing like kids.
A shriek of joy erupts from you as you fly over a series of hills, the momentary weightlessness thrilling. Finn has both hands in the air, while Kaydel grips the safety handle with white knuckles.
Finally, you come out of a turn to see a sharp drop. You look to Poe, who grins back at you, his vehicle slightly ahead of yours. Damnit, you HATE losing to him. He’s the worst winner.
At the last moment, your ride leaps ahead, crossing under the checkered banner by a nose. The passengers of your car cheer and high-five in victory, while Poe’s passengers groan in good-natured defeat.
As you roll through the red-lit cavern, you laugh as you catch sight of Poe’s face. He’s a terrible winner, but he’s an even worse loser. Even if his loss comes at the hands of an algorithm.
Anthropomorphic cars wave you off as both vehicles enter the unloading zone. On the other side of the platform, Chewie is lifting Rey out of the front seat as she pretends to collapse in agonized failure, her laughter completely destroying the illusion. You accept Finn’s hand as he helps you up, both of you turning to support Kaydel as she crawls out of the car.
A ride attendant watches her warily. “Does she need assistance?” he asks Han.
Han waves him off, wrapping an arm around his wife’s shoulders as Maz and Chewie beeline for the ride photos. “She’ll be fine. No protein spills here.” At the cast member’s astonished look, the charming rogue gives his trademark grin. “Ain’t my first rodeo, kid.” As he and Leia stroll past you towards the exit, he catches your eye and winks. “That, and they haven’t changed the lingo since the 70’s.”
Laughing, you rub Kaydel’s back as Rey swaps places with Finn and helps bracket your green-tinged friend. “Let’s get you some water, yeah?”
Kaydel manages a slight nod, and the three of you make your way towards the exit.
Behind you, you can hear Poe and Finn bickering, as they’re wont to do.
“It’s a ride, dude,” Finn is saying, the exasperation clear in his tone.
“It’s physics, dude,” Poe shoots back. “There’s NO way the car on the outside of the turn would be able to finish first.”
Worst. Loser. Ever.
Your rag-tag alliance eventually makes it out of the exit tunnel. Ben’s waiting across the walkway, those ridiculously long arms crossed over his chest as he leans against the guard rail and steadily ignores whatever Armitage is ranting about.
On the bench next to them, Rose perks up, a smirk crossing her pretty face as she sees Poe’s expression. “Well, I don’t need to ask who won.”
“Don’t wanna talk about it,” the most-competitive-pilot-in-the-galaxy grumbles back, adjusting his backpack. You help Kaydel to a bench, where she quickly curls up.
Rey rolls her eyes as she forces her way into the circle of Ben’s arms. “It’s not like any of us could have actually controlled the outcome, you noodle.”
“Not without some kind of magic,” Ben intones dryly, resting his chin on his girlfriend’s head.
“How cool would that be, though?” Rey’s getting her Down-The-Wormhole-We-Go eyes. You and Rose exchange a Look™️ as she starts gesturing wildly with her hands. “Like, imagine if you could just look at something like rocks and, like, make them fly. Or make someone do whatever you wanted them to do. OH!” She looks up at Ben with a slightly manic expression. “Lightning bolts from your fingers!!”
Well-used to these kinds of rambles, Ben gently captures her hands and wraps her into a hug that doubles as a straight jacket. “No more SyFy channel before bed.”
Rose slides her arms around her husband as Finn joins her on the bench. “Did you behave?”
Nora, in all her 6-year-old innocence, giggles. “Mr Finn said a whole lot of swear-jar words.” She casts a critical eye on the young man. “You probably said enough you could buy an Elsa doll.” The ‘for me’ is unsaid, but implied.
Karé rapidly turns her laugh into a cough.
Finn glances down at his wife as Rose smacks him upside the head. “Hey! That tractor thing is terrifying. And Maz said WAY more than I did!”
“Age before beauty, Finnigan,” Maz says haughtily, waving off Finn’s ‘m'name’s not Finnigan, damn it’.
Giggling, you tune out the ridiculousness that is your found family and turn your attention to your still-sulking boy toy. “You know,” you murmur, wrapping your arms around his waist, “you make that face for long enough and it’ll stick that way.”
He huffs. “This is just how my face looks.”
“Uh huh.” Considering yourself quite the expert in his face, having spent countless hours studying every crease and line until you could have drawn him blindfolded, you call bullshit, but say nothing further.
“It is,” he insists.
“Okay,” you agree.
The King of Sarcasm narrows his eyes. “You’re doing that thing.”
You widen your eyes innocently. “What thing?”
“That thing where it sounds like you’re agreeing with me but you’re really telling me I’m a dumbass.”
“What?!” You bring your hand to your chest. “Moi?! I would never.”
He huffs again, but you can see the hint of a smirk starting to break though.
“C’mon, First Runner Up,” you tease. “No sulking in Disneyland. Let me buy you a drink at Trader Sam’s, and then we can sneak off to the Haunted Mansion and make out like teenagers in our Doom Buggy.”
He tilts his head, considering it.
“Or-“ You brush an inky curl off his forehead and stand on your toes until your lips are just about caressing his ear and whisper, “-we could get back in line right now and go again.”
Even before you’ve finished speaking, Poe’s grabbing your hand and hauling you back towards the entrance, tossing a “See you jerks later!” as he pulls you under the Radiator Springs Racers sign. Their laughter echos behind you as he leads the way through the mostly empty line (thank goodness for parade lulls).
As you wait in the queue, only a few dozen people stand between Poe and his (re)shot at victory. You see that competitive gleam in his eyes start to come alive again.
“Hey.” You tug on his tee shirt until he looks at you. “If our car doesn’t win, tonight I’ll do That Thing you love.”
“Babe.” The look he gives you is one of pure torture. “You are killing me here.” He really loves to win. But he really, really loves That Thing. “What about when we come in first?”
You shrug demurely. “Then you wear Those Pants™️ tomorrow.”
Hm. Poe’s always been quick to calculate his odds, and this is quickly turning into a win/win situation. If you lose, he gets That Thing. But Those Pants™️ turn you about feral, and when you’re in that kind of mood- let’s just say Poe still has the scars on his shoulders to prove it.
“Are those terms acceptable, Flight Commander Dameron?” You smile sweetly up at him.
His licentious grin says it all. “Hell yeah.”
For the record, your car does lose a second time. And the next morning, Poe hardly has Those Pants over his ass when you’re ripping them back down his legs and shoving him backwards onto the bed.
Oh, yeah, he thinks to himself. This is better than any dumb kid’s ride.
…doesn’t mean he’s not going to ride it as many times as it takes to win.
A/N: I almost titled this “Tell me you have children without saying you have children”. I am so fucking sick of ‘Lining McQueen’. Yay 4-year-olds.
Thank you for reading; likes and reblogs feed my soul.
#writer wednesday#poe dameron x reader#poe dameron fic#poe dameron fanfiction#poe dameron x gender neutral reader#poe dameron imagine#poe dameron fluff#poe dameron#hot space droid dad#my writing#modern au#star wars fanfiction#star wars fanfic#poe dameron fanfic
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FALLOUT |LH| EIGHT
*gif not mine
PAIRING: donghyuck x reader bodyguard!donghyuck
WARNINGS: mentions of jaemin taeyong and jeno. swearing, hospital, gunshot, angst, smut (oral sex f and m receiving), unprotected sex
WORD COUNT: 3,4K
Donghyuck looked up. Stared at himself in the mirror. It had been four days since the incident and you hadn't woken up yet.
That was when it set in, that’s when the tears started. Donghyuck gripped the sides of the sink and bowed his head low, chest shuddering with strained, quiet sobs. It was all coming back: the wetness of your blood on his hands, your pained whimpers, your 'I love you, I forgive you.'
He dreads to think that… that it may be the last time that you—
No. No. He couldn't — he couldn't think like that. You were alive, that was what matters. You would be awake soon and you would be fine and he was not going to torment himself thinking otherwise.
Deep breath. Deep breath. He straightened up, rubbed his nose and his eyes, blinked away the redness. He rejoined the rest where they had gathered. Taeyong and Jaemin stood against the wall, talking quietly between themselves; Jeno sitting on one of the chairs, texting someone. When they noticed his approach, all attention shifted to him.
"Uhm..." Taeyong called his attention. "They're gonna remove the vent since she's breathing on her own now."
Donghyuck nodded and sat next to Jeno. "Her mom is with her right now." Jaemin said.
“She’ll be okay,” Jeno whispered to him. "It's a good sign they removed the vent. She’ll be okay.”
You would be okay. Donghyuck reassured himself.
(.)
“Fuck.”
It wasn't the most graceful way to emerge from unconsciousness, you had to admit. Then again, emerging from unconsciousness in itself wasn't a graceful act. The lights were too bright and your mouth was too dry and you were somehow too warm and too hot at the same time — and don’t even get you started on the throbbing ache radiating throughout your chest, arms, and general upper-body area. It was hell.
Things started glitching out when you thought about how the hell you got there in the first place — you remember fighting Yuta, falling down the stairs and seeing Donghyuck's face, or was it a dream? You could guess what happened next.
“Hello to you too,” a voice said — not just a voice, your mind corrected you. Donghyuck, and immediately you’re seeking him out, trying to push yourself up. “Easy, easy.”
He came into view, hovering above you. One hand gently pressed down on your stomach, forcing you back down. He tried a smile — it’s more of a wince, really, especially when he was frowning like that. “You shouldn’t be sitting up yet. You’ve been out for five days.”
“Noted.” You grimaced. The pain in your torso wasn't exactly the type that you can just push through, so you don’t doubt it. “Yuta…?”
“Dead. Gunshot wound.” His eyes drifted to the general area where your own gunshot wound was, pulsing and throbbing with pain beneath the bandages and hospital gown. “Any pain? Need me to call a doctor?”
“No. No, I’m fine. I mean, as fine as… you know…,” A beat of silence, and you casted a glance around the room noticing the bunch of flower bouquets pretty much everywhere. “Taeyong or Jaemin?”
"Both of them actually," Donghyuck said.
You tried to giggle but it was too painful. You sighed. "Where are they?"
"I told them to go back to get some rest and clean up.” It was only then that he sat back down, pulling his chair closer to your bedside. You watched with timid eyes as he ran a hand over his face. He hasn't slept.
“You look tired, sweetie,” you said quietly. “You haven't been taking care of yourself, have you?”
“You were shot in the chest,” he was quick to interrupt, voice steady and stoic as usual, his eyes narrowing defensively, “You were in surgery for four hours, unconscious for five days. I was worried.”
“I’m fine.”
“You almost weren’t, (Y/N).” There was a tremble in his voice that made your heart plummeted. "You're here because of me. I know I shouldn't even be here but I couldn't leave you knowing Yuta wanted to kill you. I love you."
"I'm sorry," he murmured and held your hand carefully, "I'm so sorry. I never expected to fall for you. You got me. I love you, (Y/N). I don't expect you to forgive me, but if, for some reason you do I hope you know I love you deeply and I would never hurt you."
“Hyuck,” you muttered softly, intertwining your fingers with his. The warmth of him dimed the pain for a second, and you took a deep, steadying breath. “I told you I forgive you. You came back for me and I cannot assure you I’ll never get hurt, okay? And neither can you..."
You sighed. "You hurt me yes, and I'm still shocked by what you... do, but I love you, too."
Donghyuck was suddenly crying and sniffling and you sat trying to not hurt yourself and cupped his face in your free hand. "Hey, look at me. Baby, look at me," having you to guide his eyes towards you instead of around the room. “This wasn’t your fault, do you hear me? He’s gone, and you’re not. You’re here, and he’s not. I love you."
He clasped his hands over yours, bottom lip trembling, “(Y/N), I’m so sorry."
"If you keep apologizing I will throw you out of this room, Lee Donghyuck," you stared at him and he giggled and then placed a kiss on your hands.
Donghyuck sighed and then frowned. "There's still one thing I need to do."
(.)
“No way in hell!” You stared at Donghyuck and tried to stand up from his bed.
You had been discharged from the hospital 3 days ago and you still had to rest since you not only got shot but had one broken rib, a minor contusion and some bruises all over your body.
Donghyuck pressed down on your stomach with his hand gently, forcing you back down. You grunted at him and you grabbed his arm. “Promise me you wont do such a stupid thing.” You looked him in the eye.
Donghyuck sighed. “I have to do it, (Y/N). I need to turn myself in to the police.”
You closed your eyes trying to stop the tears that were forming in your eyes. “I don’t care about your past, I only care about your future.”
Donghyuck sat next to you and cupped your face in his hands. “Look at me,” he asked you and you kept your eyes closed. “(Y/N), look at me,” he asked you again and you opened them, looking him in the eye. “You deserve someone better.”
“Bullshit,” you hissed and removed his hands from your face. “I don’t want anyone else. Listen to me, Lee Donghyuck, I forgave you once but I will not forgive you if you leave me.”
“Are you threatening me?” Donghyuck raised an eyebrow looking at you.
"I'm warning you, love," you smirked at him.
Donghyuck chuckled and nodded, placing a kiss on your hand. "Okay."
"Kiss me," you demanded.
Donghyuck caressed your cheek with one hand, eyes locked to your lips before he moved it down to your left collarbone tracing some circles on your skin.
You sighed. His touch was electric, sending shivers down your spine. Tilting your head by framing your chin with his lean fingers, he brought his lips to yours, lightly at first but scorchingly deep and dominant once he received your confirmation. As if you were untied from the knot that was holding you back, you succumbed desperately to his touch, fingers fisting against the fabric of his collar, and focusing to keep up with every movement of his lips.
He pulled away before you were even the least satisfied, hooded eyes gleaming under the dim lighting. You whined and he smiled. "What was that about?"
"I wanna keep kissing you," you growled.
"I know so well, baby. You will want more than just a keep and you can't make any rough movements," Donghyuck winked at you.
"Hey!" You laughed and pushed him. "That's not true. I do know how to hold it."
Donghyuck pecked you and beamed at you. "Get some rest, love."
"I will, but you owe me this one," you tightened his thigh.
"Deal," Donghyuck smiled and stood up. "I'll be outside if you need me okay?"
You nodded.
Donghyuck got out of his room and closed the door behind him swiftly. He went to the kitchen where Jeno was talking on the phone and eyed him. Jeno nodded. “I will, thanks. Bye.” Jeno hung up and placed his phone on the counter. “Did you tell her?”
Donghyuck nodded with his head and leaned against the kitchen sink. Jeno sighed. “Oh man, I hate this. I didn’t want to do this right now but I have no choice.”
Donghyuck frowned and looked at him. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m not an accountant,” Jeno revealed. “I work for the NIS.”
Donghyuck’s mouth was opened wide. “You what?”
“I'm an agent working for NIS,” Jeno confessed. “When I met you I didn't know what you did but then everything kinda fell into place, you know? Then we got a suspect profile and I knew it was you.”
“We’ve known each other for 5 years,” Donghyuck looked at him.
“And a year ago I knew it was you,” Jeno sighed. “But you are my friend and you stood by my side during the worst time of my life."
"So..." He tapped the back of his nape. "I told the NIS you were working with me. I got them every information they needed: pictures, text messages, emails... everything."
"Hold on," Donghyuck shook his head, "You're helping me?"
Jeno nodded. "(Y/N)'s father is going to jail thanks to you, somehow. So, you'll have to go to court and listen to the judge's verdict."
"I'm going to jail anyways," Donghyuck sighed.
"Or not," Jeno shrugged. "They might put you in house arrest for months."
"(Y/N) is gonna freak out," Donghyuck panted.
“Nothing beats you being an assassin,” Jeno teased and Donghyuck glared at him. “Too soon?”
“Yeah.”
Jeno stared at the floor for a minute and then looked at Donghyuck. “Just, don’t try to run away, okay? I got you.”
“Why would you think I’m gonna run away?” Donghyuck laughed. “I want to do the right thing for the first time, Jeno. I won’t.”
Jeno nodded. “Great, because otherwise I will beat your ass.”
Donghyuck rolled his eyes. “You could never.”
“Wanna bet?” Jeno raised an eyebrow.
“You’re so annoying, god,” Donghyuck snorted.
Jeno chuckled and then cleared his throat. “I think you should contact a lawyer, just in case.”
“Oh, Jaemin got me one already,” Donghyuck said. “I’m seeing him tomorrow morning.”
Donghyuck bit his lip and then frowned. “Is there a chance you could give me a few days?”
“I can’t promise it, but I’ll see what I can do,” Jeno shook his head.
“Thanks, bud.”
(.)
"(Y/N)?" Donghyuck called in a soft voice, careful not to wake you up. It had been 2 weeks since the incident and you were back home and trying to go back to your regular life.
To his surprise, you called from the kitchen where you were currently doing the dishes. "Hello." He greeted once he found you, giving her a kiss on the cheek. "Why are you still up?" he asked and noticed the time on the wall, 12:30 am.
You finished the plates and then turned to him, "I finished my paperwork late and I couldn't sleep," you said as you watched him remove his wristwatch and set it on the table, and then he untied his tie and unbuttoned his shirt. That gesture made him so hot that you bit her lip, wanting to pounce at him. You gulped when he glanced at you, knowing full well that he caught you checking him out. "You went to the lawyer's?" you asked and he nodded, sitting down.
You went behind him, holding his shoulders and giving them a light squeeze that made him visibly relax. "Did you eat? I'll just heat up something."
Donghyuck held your right hand situated on his shoulder as he shook his head. "I had dinner," he claimed. "Coffee will be great." And you smiled, moving across the kitchen to get the coffee maker and prepare him the drink. The sudden loss of your physical touch made him sigh, maybe it's not coffee that he wanted.
He was admiring you backside while doing the coffee, your beautiful hair, your waist, and sexy hips. Even your legs looked great on the shorts you were wearing.
You were surprised when you felt Donghyuck's presence behind you, arms wrapped on your body. You hummed when he gave you a back hug, head nuzzling on the crook of your neck. Donghyuck gave you a kiss on the neck that made you giggle. "I have a meeting tomorrow, if anyone sees a hickey they're gonna be so confused." And Donghyuck chuckled.
His hands found themselves on the spot that he liked the most, giving it a little squeeze that made you chuckle. "No hickeys. Got it," he whispered as he put kisses on your exposed neck, kneading her breasts. You just smiled at how needy Donghyuck was being, liking how he massaged your boobs and played with the protruding nipples.
"Do you feel better?" He inquired, still kissing your neck.
"Now you ask?" You laughed as you turned and removed his suit, letting it drop on the floor.
Donghyuck chuckled and traced his finger on your lower lip. "I had to make sure."
"I'm okay," You kissed him.
"So..." You started with a lot of mischief in your voice, fingers undoing the buttons of his dress shirt. "I was thinking that, since you can't give me a hickey, I'll give you one instead," you claimed then sucked Donghyuck's chest, making him groan. You licked the spot and gave it a kiss before admiring the red spot you created in contrast to his skin. "I've come to the realisation, one isn't enough." And you started sucking spots on his chest, putting color on his golden skin.
"Oh God, (Y/N)," he called when you bent down to give his stomach marks as well.
You knelt down and it surprised him when you removed his pants, putting down his boxers that was a pool under him now. "Baby," he called and you shushed him while fisting his growing member. Donghyuck closed his eyes shut when you licked the side of his cock, biting his lip to prevent a series of groans to emerge.
You gave the tip a lick, kissing it as it oozes precum. "Baby." he called once again, looking down on you. Damn, you looked so hot kneeling in front of him like that.
"Yes, baby?" You smiled at him.
"Don't tease," Donghyuck warned you.
You winked at him before doing the deed.
Your mouth was really hot or maybe because his cock was really sensitive but it felt so good that groans escaped his lips. You sucked his cock, playing with it inside your mouth and even fondling his balls. His hands reached for your hair, tugging it in a ponytail as he bobbed your head up and down on his cock. Donghyuck hissed, badly wishing his control wouldn't spill out, but with a mouth so good like this how can he not fuck your mouth?
"Baby, you're so fucking good." he complimented as the hold on hair got tighter. You swallowed his cock, deepthroating him that made him groan. "Oh God, (Y/N)." And that was it, his control going down the drain. He thrusts into your mouth with so much power that if not for his hold on your hair, you might bump your head on the counter. He kept on groaning as he fuck you mouth and felt himself cumming in no time. His cum filled your mouth, swallowing it.
When Donghyuck came back from his high, he gave you a mischievous smile as he grabbed your chin with two fingers. "Open up," you opened your mouth and he checked you had swallowed everything. "Good girl."
"I'm not done with you yet." You said and you kissed on the marks that you had done to his body.
Your lips were together once again as you struggled to get to your bedroom and you pushed him on the bed, removing your shirt and sitting on top of him. Donghyuck couldn't believe that he was already naked, yet here you were there, in your bra and shorts. "This is so unfair, you should get naked as well." He revolted which made you laugh.
You gave him a kiss and then bit the lower part of his lip. "But this is about you for the meantime. I want to make you feel good," you said then sucked a spot by his neck that made him groan. You started filling his skin with red patches that would obviously show in the next few days.
Your kisses went down until you reached his semi-hard cock and you placed a quick kiss on his tip. You took off your bra and Donghyuck held your breasts. "You're gorgeous. Shit."
He pushed you to the bed and his mouth kissed your stomach and you moaned. "Hyuck..." You called. "I want to make you feel good..." You whined but he didn't stop his adventure of going down until he was at the waistband of your shorts. "Fuck, Donghyuck." And you knew what would happen now that he was pulling down your shorts and underwear.
His tongue immediately licked your clit and you moaned, arching your back at the sensation. Damn, Lee Donghyuck and his fucking mouth. He parted your legs and started fucking you with his tongue, making you scream in pleasure. His thumb started circling your clit as he alternated the sucking and licking of your pussy. You could feel your soul being sucked by Donghyuck's mouth. And yes, that's how amazing he was. You came in no time, letting him suck everything.
He grinned while rubbing his mouth using the back of his hand and that gesture looked so sexy. "Oh, God. Fuck me," you exclaimed that made him smirk.
"Whatever you need, baby," Donghyuck mumbled while jerking his cock and positioning it on your entrance, making you nod. His cock sank inside you and he groaned at how tight you were. And the thought that it was only him fucking your pussy made the beast in him growl that instead of the usual gentle thrusts, he was jerking into you violently.
You could feel your body being thrown to bed with each thrust and his cock hitting you in the pleasure spot. With the way that he was going, you were sure you'd get so sore the next day.
"Donghyuck!" You shouted as one hand grabbed the sheets of your bed and the other scratched his back, wanting something to claw on. He was jerking into you real hard that you could hear his balls slamming against your skin.
"Yes, fuck baby." he cursed while jerking in you in such power and speed, driving both their orgasms. You came with a mind rippling orgasm and immediately felt him filling you up. What surprised you was when he didn't pull away after cumming in you.
"Fuck," you whispered, catching your breath. "I think you broke more ribs."
Donghyuck laughed, breathless and kissed your neck. "God, I'm sorry. Are you hurt?"
You shook your head and smiled at him. "That was amazing. Fuck, let's do it again."
"What about your meeting?" He asked, while kissing your chest.
"Fuck it," You moaned when he bit one of your lips.
"Get on all fours, baby," he whispered in your ear.
You knew it was going to be a long night.
#donghyuck imagine#donghyuck smut#donghyuck x reader#haechan imagine#haechan x reader#haechan smut#nct x reader#nct smut#nct 127#nct haechan
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What are your fav beetlebabes headcanons? Also, love your stuff <3
Thank you <3. And thank you for the wait cause oh boy if I don’t answer this ask with a ridiculous amount of art how will I live?
*Digging out the dust covered manuscript that is my nonexistent Beetlebabes fic from under the floorboards* It’s showtime.
So...Lydia is the one who falls first. She is about 17 or 18 at the time, so this is very much an “I have a teen crush on someone I am not supposed to” type of deal. Honestly they fell in love with each other way before that but like, platonically
Beej is...horribly oblivious XD. Honestly its for the best because Lydia spends the better part of her pre-college summer freaking about because any time her best friend walks in the door her heart wants to go bull-riding in her chest and if she actually has to confront her feelings she might just explode.
Then, just before Lydia was supposed to go away to college, Beetlejuice...disappears. He leaves a note, saying he’ll be back, but weeks turn into months, months turn into a year, and no one either in the living world or the netherworld has seen a hair of him. Lydia goes through college without really knowing what to do with herself, missing what was probably the closest person in her life. She graduates with a journalism degree and a minor in photography. She works for a newspaper as an investigative journalist before breaking off over less than great circumstances and going off on her own.
She’s 25 when she establishes herself as a pivate eye, with an enormous amount of anonymous sources being dead people. Also, this takes place in New York City.
(Yes she absolutely does exorcisms on the side).
She’s following a rather stange missing persons case when one of her sources points to a run down establishment that is 100% totally haunted. Except when she goes there she doesn’t find any ghosts, but rather
Beetlejuice. And he looks awful. And very much human.
Lydia: You look like hell.
Beej: Yeah, I just got back.
...
Beej: Also I’ma pass out now so you better catch me.
So he crashes at Lydia’s place, and the whole thing turns into solving the crime as well as Beej’s mysterious aquirement of a beating heart and working lungs. He doesn’t remember how that’s happened, only now everything is Too Much with Too Many Feelings. Speaking of feelings, you bet your ass there is PINING. SO much pining. Lydia’s best friend comes back and suddenly those feelings she’d dismissed as a stupid teenage crush come FLOODING BACK.
While Lydia’s internally feaking out over her feelings (it's totally normal and platonic to wanna kiss your best friend while he sleeps, right??), Beetlejuice is, you guessed it, totally oblivious! To his own feelings especially! All he knows is that it's his best friend only now she seems like a completely different person, and hot. She is now hot. His mad respect for Lydia makes him bury that thought deep, deep down. Also the whole marriage deal is a source on bad memories for both of them and he doesn’t wanna ruin the only good thing he’s ever had and-
Anyway, more pining:
Lydia’s feelings bring out resentment, too. She hates that Beej calls her kid, because that means he still sees her as one, and her ego and her desire for him make her want him to see her, the woman who's seen some real shit in the name of finding the truth, who can take care of herself, and who is very different from that angsty 15 year old girl on the roof.
It all comes ahead to a big confrontation where Lydia is shot, and Beetlejuice has to drag her to the hospital without any knowledge of how human bodies work and he has no magic so he can’t help her-
The hospital needs to know his relationship to her when they take her away, and Beetlejuice knows they wont let him in unless he’s close family so he is blurts out: “Husband. Yeah, I’m her...husband.”
Lydia wakes up with a patched up hole in her side and Beetlejuice clinging to her hand. She’s happy she’s alive, but also angry, because she could have avoided all of this. She was competent enough to not need anyone to rescue her.
She wants to get back on the case as soon as possible, she found the key lead, but Beej doesn’t wanna hear it, cause he saw way too much of her blood and he’s not big on how human bodies work, but he's pretty sure that shit’s supposed to stay inside. They’re arguing when the nurse comes in and adresses him as “Mr. Deetz.”
Lydia snatches the clipboard away, sees that he’s told them she’s his wife, and is livid. Because crush or not the wedding thing had a whole lot of baggage she does not want to unpack. She has to confront the fact that her feelings are for someone who manipulated her into marriage at 15 and who she’s not supposed to see in that way but she does anyway.
And Beej, a dumbass but also angry cause she almost died out of a stupid reckless mistake is like: "Why are you all mad? It was a green card thing. It's not like it means anything." And that gets Lyds even more upset, with him cause he's an idiot, and with herself because she's still pining for someone who, she thinks, still sees her as a child.
Lyds, getting her coat: "Fuck off."
BJ: "Kid-"
Lydia: "Stop calling me that! I haven't been a child since my mother died. I haven't been a child since you showed up! I haven't been a child since I've started this, since I moved here, since the first asshole tried to kill me. I've been through literal hell and I've had to pull myself out of it all on my own because I was still here and you left."
There's a beat of silence as Lydia realizes what she just said.
Lydia: "And that's fine. Because I don't need you. I don't need anyone. You taught me that, at least." She yanks her coat onto her shoulders and turns to go.
BJ, quietly, but its clear he's angry: "Do you think I wanted to leave?"
Lydia: "I don't know what you wanted. Do you even know what you wanted?" She pauses at the door, turns to him. "Do you know what you want, Betelgeuse?"
BJ: "I-"
He stops. He can't look her in the eye anymore. You. I want you. Lydia scoffs, turns to go.
BJ: "Lydia, wait-"
Lydia: "Fuck. Off."
She leaves, and he just stands there, floored by his too little too late realization. Lydia thinks the best thing to do after leaving the hospital with a bullet hole in her side and hopped up on painkillers is to go get drunk! Self-preservation? None
Beetlejuice finally finds her drunk off her ass and suddenly in a great mood. He grabs her under the arms like "Whelp. Time to go."
Lydia: "Nooo come on-"
BJ: "Aren't you on hospital drugs? Doesn't that shit kill you breathers if you mix it all up?"
Lydia: ":D I stopped taking them :'D it hurts like a bitch."
BJ: "I guess I have the shared braincell now. Okay, time to go."
He manages to get her in the car without incident, but when he gets in the driver's seat suddenly Lydia's all over him.
BJ, with a lap full of drunk Lydia: "What. What are you doing."
Lydia: "Beeetlejuice."
BJ: "Yeees?"
Lydia, smiling all dopey as she cups his cheeks: "Beeetlejuuuice."
BJ: "What"
Lydia's finger hovers over his nose, as if to boop him. He closes his eyes. And suddenly her lips are on his. She tastes like alcohol and hospital food and as she pulls away he can't think. Then she starts laughing. "Ha! Gotchaaa! Classic Bait and Switch!"
And he’s pissed.
BJ: "Ha. Ha. Good one, Lyds."
He dumps her out of his lap and into the passenger seat. Lydia blinks in confusion. Now she's cold. She wants to ask, but her mental faculties aren't all with her at the moment. He drives them home and helps her up the stairs before dumping her onto her bed. "Well. Bye." Lydia scrambles up the bed. The car ride gave her enough time to be at least a bit sober, and everything before getting here is blurry. "Where are you going?" Beetlejuice turns around, the widest smile on his face. She's confused for a moment before she realizes he's vibrating with rage. "Ya said you want me gone? Great! You don't need me, you can do your weird little suicidal quest thing yourself!" Lydia looks lost. They had a fight but she'd rarely seen him this angry. "If its about the thing at the hospital, I didn't- I didn't mean it-"
Beetlejuice: "Really? You'd think you'd be glad to have me gone. Why would you want a creep like me around? The whole marriage thing didn't just disappear, after all! Great to know you can still pull one on me, huh?"
Lydia: "Pull what, Beetlejuice-"
She remembers, hazily, the car ride.
They stare at each other for a moment Beej is breathing heavily, he's not used to living person emotions, ones you can feel with your whole body instead of just as an abstract thing, but its clear he's holding back
Lydia: "I wasn't-"
Beej: "You weren't what?"
Lydia (quietly): "It wasn't a joke."
The angry grin slips off Beej's face. He suddenly looks very, very tired. She might have believed just now that he'd lived for millennia.
Beej: “Why are you doin' this, Lyds? Did you know the whole damn time? It's not like I was gonna do anything, I just thought- I just-”
Lydia suddenly realizes that they are having two different conversations. And something else. She looks away, trying to wrap her head around it, and Beetlejuice doesn't read it correctly. He turns to go.
Lydia: “Wait!”
She jumps off the bed, feeling the whole world tip over slightly, still drunk, and stumbled over to him. He catches her instinctively as she grips his forearms for support.
Lydia: “Beej. Beej, look at me.”
She takes his face in her hands, and turns it toward her. He looks so lost, like one word from her might actually break him. She'd only seen that look on his face once before, and she never wants to again.
Lydia takes a breath.
Lydia: “Beetlejuice, I-”
Aaand then she throws up all over his shoes.
She doesn't quite remember what happened next, only that she was in the bathroom, leaning against the door, the toilet was flushed, she was sweating, and he wasn't there.
Lydia: “Beej?”
Beetlejuice (through the door): “...hi”
Lydia: “What-”
BJ: “-happened? Well, that's a story!”
His voice sounds cheerful, but it’s shaking slightly
BJ: “First ya threw up all over us both! then that little experiment of yours with mixing the meds went off, and you started babbling about...rocks? Then we got here, you heaved out the rest of your insides, and then ya kicked me out and said you were gonna shower, and now we're sitting here, so, yeah”
Lydia: “...Are you still covered in puke?”
BJ:”...yeah”
Lydia: “...sorry?”
BJ: “Pshh, what's a best friend if ya can't throw up on 'im a couple times.”
They both fall silent
Beetlejuice (quietly): “Lyds, do ya still want me here?”
...
Lydia takes the time to find the words. Want him here? After everything, he was still asking that question. Did he still think, after all this time, that she'd throw him out at the smallest inconvenience? Would he ever stop thinking that way? Why did he think so now? Was it because he- Because he-
Lydia: “I love you.”
The other side of the door is silent.
Lydia: “I love your stupid laugh. You sound like a fucking cartoon villain, its so fucking obnoxious. I love your jokes, all of them, even the shitty ones- you always look so god damn proud when you say them.”
Is she crying? She tries to wipe at her face, but the tears keep coming.
Lydia: “I loved you since that last day on the roof, and when you left-”
Her throat closes up. She chokes back on her tears, she has to finish it, he has to hear it.
Lydia: “When you left I thought I might die again.”
Lydia: “I kept seeing things, dumb branding on cereal boxes, that shitty college play I went to, my first client, and I kept thinking aw, Beej would have a field day with this one. I thought about what you'd say. You were like a voice I couldn't scrape out of my head, I thought I was going crazy, I thought I'd imagined it all, some lonely little girl with no life or friends, needing someone to talk to- But you'd been real, and then you were just gone- “
The words dissolve in her throat as she sobs, pulling her knees up to her chest. She feels like a child now. She feels more childlike than she had at 15. She’s clinging to a scrap of hope she doesn’t have a right to demand from him. And yet he'd said-
Lydia: “I love you. Please, don't leave.”
They sit is silence for a while. Lydia tries to stop crying. Then, quietly from the other side of the door:
BJ: “You know what I thought when I first saw you?”
Lydia: “Here’s a suicidal teen haha what a riot?”
BJ: “What? No, not then. Like now.”
Lydia: “Oh. What?”
BJ: “I thought wow, who the hell is that and why is she so dang hot?”
Lydia laughs.
BJ: “And then I thought oh God that’s Lydia.”
Something in his voice makes her pause. Maybe it’s the strange fear that she feels coming from him.
BJ: “It’s like, you’re Lydia, and I don’t know shit about you! You’re the same person, but you’re a stranger to me. Lyds, do you know how fucking terrifying that is? You’re someone I never got to know because of a shitty decision I don’t even remember making.”
he falls silent. She can hear the pain in his voice. And something else. Longing.
Beetlejuice: “I’d like to.”
Lydia opens the door. Beetlejuice scrables up, only for her to throw her arms around him.
They figure it out. It’s a slowburn 200k fic that I’ll never write so it takes a while for them to actually kiss, or do anything more, but they get there.
This turned out...ridiculously long XD. I don’t know what you meant by “headcanons”, exactly, but have this instead.
Thanks for the ask!
#beetlejuice#beetlebabes#beetlejuice the musical#beetlejuice musical#lydia deetz#betelgeuse#beetlelyds#here it is#the phantom 200k slow burn mutual pining fic#in post format#i spent...way too long making this#if some stuff is formatted differently its because i copy pasted off a discord server#my art#fan art#tw: vomiting#seems like a good one to tag#edit: love how i tagged vomiting but not suicide mention#though with this fandom its not exactly a shock#tw: suicide mention#vee's art
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what if gay CATS........... were gay PERSONS
(info on this au under the cut)
theyre all shitty young adults just kind of. getting through their early 20s as best they can. or as much as they can. maybe things will get better someday, but right now they’re kind of spinning their wheels
magic exists but like eh it’s not a big thing don’t worry about it. it’s around but like whatever. not many people have it and it’s mostly just like. a curiosity or a party trick
demeter and bombularina are together, tugger and mistoffelees are together, bombularina and tugger occasionally fwb, it’s cool and aboveboard and it’s all fine
demeter:
bisexual with a preference for women. 24 years old
semi-psychic (not as powerful as tantomile or coricopat). tends to have vague and confusing prophetic dreams
dropped out of grad school for sociology due to trauma and ensuing intensified mental illness. kind of bitter about it, but tries to get through every day. general anxiety disorder even before all that
very nervous around most men she doesn’t know & trust
currently working at a barnes & noble starbucks, which sucks. she recently became the assistant manager, which turbo sucks because now she has more work for only like a buck raise, but at least she’s getting reliable shifts
her go-to therapy is cutting her hair with scissors. her hair is fried to all hell from regular bleaching
she’s learning how to crochet because she’s decided she needs to do something physically productively creative with her hands to distract herself from Stuff
bombalurina:
bisexual. 24 years old
got her bachelor’s in english two years ago and hasn’t found a job in her field and has kind of given up on it for now
she’s been bartending for like four years, does freelance editing work on the side. will occasionally write listicles for clickbait sites if she needs extra cash
literally any extra money she can save goes to tattoos. her right sleeve’s almost done
has natural red hair but dyes it cherry red
a hedonist to cope but is also just a natural hedonist. likes a good bath
i know that like the typical thing fandoms say about female characters is “doesn’t take shit” for the girlboss points but she truly does not take shit anymore. she used to take people’s shit sometimes but at this point in her life she’s tired and she has a girlfriend to be protective of. she has a couple people whose shit she will take (mostly just tugger) but besides them (and having to practice basic customer service to keep her job) she’s tired of other people’s shit! enough!
my personal take on bombalurina is a mix between the riot grrrls of the 90s and 80s punk girls, and then a dash of the greaser chicks from grease. i saw that spiked collar and my brain went OH okay i can run with this somewhere fun. same for demeter, but less so - she just has the piercings.
demelurina:
bombalurina met demeter in college at a women’s activism club, noticed her because of her dimple piercings and was like “oh someone else with a lot of metal in her face, i’ll sit next to her”
they were each other’s first off-campus roommates and were close friends. made out a couple times, but it was mostly a lot of sexual tension. there was a lot of bombalurina staring at demeter while she or demeter made out with someone else
demeter was on and off with her high school boyfriend munkustrap and bombalurina was like “oh he’s so much more stable/calm than me and she needs that, i party a bit too much for her, i shouldn’t try anything” so she just sort of. lets their almost-there peter off
(this is all bombalurina’s internal thoughts - demeter always was interested in her, but thought she was too boring for bombalurina. so neither of them thought they could pursue it)
bombalurina graduated and moved somewhere cheaper further away from campus. they kind of drift apart
munkustrap and demeter peter off and he moves away for a job (they’re still good friends, it was a very amicable breakup) and then demeter gets with macavity, which is a deeply toxic situation for her and sucks hugely and throws her whole life really off track. won’t go into further details
she finally manages to break up with him and calls bombalurina at like 2 am asking if she can pick her up, and also if she can sleep on her couch, it’s okay if that’s not okay, she just. really needs a place she feels safe, and her gut is telling her to. and of course bombalurina says yes
bombalurina also knew macavity and had also made out a couple times with him at like parties and stuff (see: staring at demeter as she makes out with people). something about transference of feelings - bombalurina was into him for a couple moments because he and demeter had a thing.
this is due to me interpreting the song “macavity” as actually about bombalurina wanting to fuck demeter and her singing as a half-repressed expression of that. i use my really good wlw brain to reach that conclusion. it’s kind of a non-competitive version of eve sedgwick’s take on the love triangle. (<-- normal thing to say)
but anyway demeter stays on bombalurina’s couch and she tries so hard to stay on track but eventually she just has to drop out. bombalurina helps her with that too. she’s just really supportive even as demeter’s life is at its lowest point. when she gets home from bartending she gets demeter to go to sleep
she just Stays with her and makes her smile and reminds her that her life isn’t over, there’s still things in her day to enjoy, to keep her trudging forward
bombalurina is roommates with tugger at this point - he also recently dropped out and demeter knows him because he’s munkustrap’s brother, so he’s Trusted and also is like “hey it’s okay that you dropped out, im here and im chilling and you like me and respect me at least a little, and you have a bachelor’s degree at least!” (more on him later)
demeter is like “oh god ive been crashing at their place for so long not paying rent, theyre gonna ask me to leave, im such a freeloader, they wont take my attempts at paying rent” but then bombalurina and tugger are like “hey! the lease is almost up! we found a pretty good 3 bedroom, do you wanna have your own room for real?” and she nearly cries because 1. the RELIEF 2. oh my god you want me around???
cut to bombalurina helping demeter put together an ikea dresser (tugger got banished to the kitchen to make crystal light lemonade for them because he’s useless with a screwdriver) and demeter has two epiphanies:
1. i thought i was ready to d*e four months ago and here i am making a dresser to put clothes into in my new apartment where i live and feel safe and loved. im still not happy but im still alive and im making a dresser
2. holy fuck im back in love with my best friend, and ten times more than i was back then.
so she like kind of freaks out because she’s already imposed so much on bombalurina, how could she impose her FEELINGS on her like this, oh no oh no oh no
meanwhile bombalurina’s back in love with her even MORE and she’s also like no... she’s already dealing with so much... i don’t want to make her uncomfortable or feel unsafe in her own home especially after her recent relationship trauma... i just want her to feel safe around me...
you might think tugger as their roommate would be like “JUST KISS” but he is in fact pretty oblivious because he is self-absorbed. mistoffelees on the other hand..
eventually they do have a big confession of feelings after demeter has a bad day and it’s very dramatic and they make out in the rain. and it’s like. well this is a movie scene. but also im cold and damp. let’s head inside our home and get warm and dry :)
and then they go inside and and talk through everything, all their feelings (not just their romantic feelings but like ALL their feelings) and their shared histories and bombalurina is like “do you think you’re... ready for a relationship right now? like that would be a good thing for you?”
and demeter considers it. she does stop and think. and then she says, “with anyone else... probably not. but it’s you. and i feel so safe around you, and we’re already so close. you make the future feel more worth it. you make more days alive feel not just tolerable, but something to look forward to. and knowing you’ve loved me all this time... it’s nice. it’s good. i’m - i’m understating it so much, it’s more than nice, it’s just - it’s a lot. i wish i had noticed back then.” “hey, hey, don’t blame yourself. i’m the one who never said anything.”
anyway. everything works out, and they start dating for real :)
tugger:
bisexual. 22 years old
dishwasher at the same bar bombalurina works at. she got him the job. he keeps bugging her to teach him bartending tricks and on slow nights she will agree to
he dropped out of their four year, but he managed to secure an associate’s in communications before he dipped
trying to be an ig influencer hotboy and hopefully get modeling jobs from that but his phone’s camera sucks shit so his account isn’t really going anywhere. but he continues to post his low resolution shirtless selfies
trying to cope with being the failure son who does not have a fancy nonprofit job with a salary and healthcare by being self-absorbed and self-aggrandizing
it works about 60% of the time and 60% of the times that it doesn’t he’s able to hide it
he dropped out right around when bombalurina graduated and he was like HEY! ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A ROOMMATE WHO DOESN’T CARE IF WE LIVE TEN MILES AWAY FROM CAMPUS? WELL HAVE I GOT A SOLUTION FOR YOU: ME!
to which bombalurina (who has fooled around with him here and there and thinks he is funny little man and genuinely goodhearted, and also he has rockin abs as a plus) says munkustrap already asked me if i need a roommate and if i do to consider you, because you don’t want to move back home. in other words: yes, you little idiot
they do fool around with each other but they are both very understanding that it is strictly platonic and for fun, especially once they become roommates. they both do not desire each other for anything serious
he did have a bit of a crush on each other when they met (hot punk older girl who’s friends with his brother) but 1. it dissipated pretty quick after they fooled around for the first time because it was not a very serious crush 2. she was in the middle of being in love with demeter so she was focused on that, emotionally
he got his ears pierced a couple times in high school but bombalurina inspired him to get a couple more. she went with him when he got his nose pierced
demeter has always understood that him and bombalurina are strictly fwb, has never been an issue.
she and him like to bleach their hair together when their hair schedules line up (he bleaches his way less often then she does), but she refuses to use his fancy conditioner that keeps his hair unfried because it’s expensive, even though he tells her to go ahead and use it, please, the health of her hair is giving HIM anxiety, demeter please. please demeter
mistoffelees:
gay. 20 years old
has magic. it’s pretty good magic but again: magic is not a big deal in this concept
a bit spooky. skulks around. a bit of a bitch but also very very nice. chooses when to speak
he has postings on craigslist and fiverr about finding lost objects and people with magic. like a gig economy private detective
side job is a waiter at a fancy restaurant
sometimes he gets paid VERY well from the private detecting, depending on the client. he does ask his psychic friends (tantomile & coricopat) to give a quick glance over on some of the more suspicious clients just to make sure he isn’t finding someone who should not be found by that person.
doesn’t go to college. is roommates with his sister victoria, who’s a freshman and studying dance. moved into town with her so she wouldn’t have to live in the dorms by having a guaranteed roommate.
tuggoffelees:
the general vibe i want for these two is mistoffelees walking around town or driving around in his shitty toyota camry while tugger tags along because he’s bored and thinks this is cool as shit
the general tone of the au is “magic isn’t a big deal” except for tugger, who thinks mistoffelees’ magic and his magic freelancing is the coolest shit ever. this is mostly because he just likes mistoffelees. “there are people who can do cooler shit than me, tug” “yeah but i don’t KNOW them also theyre not as COOL as you” “you had to explain to me how instagram reels work”
idk how they met i just think tugger shows up at his and bombalurina’s apartment one day (this is when demeter has moved in but they havent moved to the 3br yet) with this dude to dash in and pick something up and bombalurina is like “uh. who’s this” “oh this is mistoffelees he’s SO GOOD AT MAGIC” [mistoffelees nods hello] “okay bye bombalurina see you at work!!!” “uh. later”
after that he just shows up a lot. sort of ambiguous if theyre dating or what for a while before bombalurina straight up asks like “hey does the dude you’re dating know we fool around” “the dude im - what?” “... the little magic guy who keeps using our hot cocoa mix. misty.” “oh. uh. we aren’t dating.” “... do you want to? because you’re kind of all over him constantly” “um. well! haha, if i wanted to, i could! haha!” “yeah get back to me on that”
tugger trying to use his ig clout to get mistoffelees more work even though 1. he has no clout 2. mistoffelees has a very stable client base. but mistoffelees appreciates the effort. the self-promo guy promoing someone other than himself... the highest expression of love...
mistoffelees is A Nonthreatening Man plus he’s pretty obviously gay so demeter is chill around him pretty quickly. when mistoffelees is over they’ll sit on the couch where demeter sleeps and watch documentaries quietly while she crochets
they both occasionally say spooky shit at the same time because magic stuff. bombalurina and tugger are both torn between “that was cool as fuck” and “god that’s unnerving”
just a lot of tugger following mistoffelees around on his jobs and mistoffelees letting him because he’s fond of him and them occasionally getting into minor peril and interesting shenanigans, but it is 90% fetch quests
i think the first time they met tugger was taking selfies in front of a hydrangea in a public park and he saw mistoffelees walk up with a shovel and start digging in one of the flower beds and he thought he was hot so he went over and offered to take over on the shoveling to look strong and masculine and he ended up digging up a skull, which mistoffelees picked up and said “thanks” and then walked away
mildly terrifying but also very interesting and tugger’s days are kind of boring and dishwashing kind of sucks as a job to do like every night and he is a person who thrives on novelty so. moth to a porchlight
i think they do start making out for fun here and there and then a while later theyre out on one of mistoffelees’ jobs and someone asks “who’s the guy with you” and mistoffelees replies “oh that’s my boyfriend, don’t worry about him” and then it’s like. “HUH? I’M YOUR BOYFRIEND?” “uh. yeah? i assumed. is that okay?” “i mean yeah of course i think you’re great! how long have we–” “oh like a while.” “oh. uh. cool!!”
they just hang out a lot. mistoffelees enjoys teasing him and enjoys his warmth and bombasticity and tugger likes watching and helping him solve little mysteries around the county because it’s always something new. they’re kind of a comedy duo. they just enjoy spending their time together and following mistoffelee’s internal magic gps to find lost dogs and lost necklaces
yeah right now this au is just vibes and just sort of. continuing forward with your days and your weeks and your months. just young adults hanging out
#cats the musical#mr mistoffelees#rum tum tugger#demeter cats#bombalurina#tuggoffelees#demelurina#chirps#bird in the hand
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Larry songs timeline & what it tells us about the evolution of their relationship
**These are all just my interpretations but the more I listen to the music they wrote, the more it all fits together. ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THROUGHOUT THE YEARS THEY’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT WRITING “AUTOBIOGRAPHICALLY” AND “FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE”
I deffo missed some songs but these stood out to me:
2013
L-Strong: Love isn’t easy (waves trying to break it) but what we have means something and it’s worth fighting for. read: love is only for the brave (Think of how much love that’s been wasted...there’s nothing i’m running from...i don’t care, I’m not scared of love) And we bring out the best in each other so lets not throw this away (i’d do anything to save it...when i’m not with you i’m weaker).
H-Happily: I want to fight for us too bc we’re on fire and our love is powerful af. ik we have to do stunts and stuff (and if (s)he feels my traces in your hair, sorry love but I don’t really care) but what we have is insane and fuck everyone else bc you’re MINE and i’m YOURS at the end of the day (i wanna be the one who holds you when you sleep). Together, we’re magic so just be with me so happily
H-Something Great: ****this song is very straightforward so i won’t explain it much***** (i want you here with me like how i pictured it so i dont have to keep imagining... We’re better off together here tonight). Written as a longing for what could be if they dont have to suppress the relationship. (script was written...want to rip it all to shreds) Louis’ response (you’re all I want so much it’s hurting) basically says “it’s not too much to ask babe, i want it too.” This has the kind of longing that ‘wouldn’t it be nice- beach boys’ which Harry has admitted is kind of a theme song.
L-Through the Dark: I know all this bs we’re going through is taking a toll on you and hurts you and i hate seeing you upset (you tell me that your sad...you tell me that you’re hurt and youre in pain and i can see your head is held in shame...i just wanna see you smile again) but I will do everything physically possible to protect you from any pain bb (i’d never let you fall and break your heart, if u wanna cry or fall apart, i’ll be there to hold ya). We’re going through this together and I will take on any responsibility needed to keep you happy. I’M WILLING TO GO THROUGH HELL TO FIGHT FOR US HARRY LOVE (entire chorus basically).
L-Better than Words: holy fuck our love is amazing can’t even describe it can i just sing to you foreva love u babycakes
L-Why don’t we go there: what if...we just forgot about the world and escaped and enjoyed each others love and rode the high??? Also sex
2014
L-Ready to Run: *******Followup to Why Don’t We Go There*********** But this time let’s escape for real bc (there’s me inside a sinking boat running out of time). Like i’m ready to get out of here and it could just be us living happily ever after (this time i’m ready to run). Honestly nothing else makes sense (without you i’ll never make it out alive...wherever you are is the place i belong). I know what i want out of life and IT’S YOU HARREH (i want to be free and i wanna be yours, i will never look back).
L-Steal My Girl: all u thirsty hoes find someone else bc Harry is MY pretty princess. Srsly ask his family. But you can still admire how he looks in those jeans. We all do. You know the ones
L-No Control: boy u fine, let’s do what lovers do IN THE MORNING. bc we can. also you own me and i am urs
L-Clouds: WE KNEW THIS WAS GONNA BE HARD SO WHY ARE YOU BEING A LITTLE BITCH (you dont like it complicated...but love is never ever simple...you are tired of all the changes, but love is always always changing). We could be great yo, just keep fighting (if we’re never coming back down, we’ll looking down on the clouds...we go and we go and we dont stop)
H-Where do Broken Hearts Go: IM SORRY LOU BABY YOURE EVERYTHING (rest of my crimes dont come close the look on your face when i let you go... the taste of your lips...is at the top of the list of things i want). H&L’s call and response at the end is basically forgiveness and acknowledgment (come on baby come and get me out, come on baby cuz i need you now)
H-Two Ghosts: *****was written around this time according to Harry******. This is fucking hard yo. We’re drained and exhausted and idk how much more we can fight for this... (it’s not you and it’s not me...sounds like something that i used to feel). That infatuation and electricity and hope that fueled our younger selves isn’t really there anymore and i’m just tired man (we’re just two ghosts swimming in a glass half empty, trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat, we’re not who we used to be...this was all we used to need). We’re empty vessels going through the motions (same eyes blue, couple more tattoos). AND WE AREN’T FUCKING COMMUNICATING (we dont say what we really mean).
2015
H&L-Perfect: so what if... we get rid of the pressure of forever? What if we just have fun doing the stupid shit we love and makes us feel alive (trouble up in hotel rooms, secret little rendezvous, things you know that we shouldn’t do). Like we won’t be out of each others’ lives, I’m still around and we can find comfort in each other and even mess around here and there (I can be the one you love from time to time). Remember how we used to be young and EXCITED (when i first saw you from across the room, i could tell that you were curious) let’s get that energy back without the responsiblity of an adult relationship. And we can keep making art lmao (if youre looking for someone to write your breakup songs about).
L-Long Way Down *****this song fkn hurts man. It’s overlooked a lot but shows so much insight**** We were...everything. And maybe that’s the problem? We’ve been through so fucking much, more than anyone our age should have to endure. (We've been in fire, Went down in the flames. We sailed the ocean And drowned in the waves. Built a cathedral But we never prayed) We didn’t know what we had. We were damn kids man. We weren’t prepared for all this. We didn’t know how powerful this would be. We didn’t know what it required of us. (We had a mountain But took it for granted. We had it all yeah. Who could’ve planned it). We didn’t know what to do with it, how to deal with it, so here we are. (We had a spaceship But we couldn't land it) We’re each other’s everything, but we can’t keep going on like this babe. (We found an island But we got stranded). I don’t want to leave you but being together is breaking us down. (Point of no return and now It's just too late to turn around) We thought we were untouchable. That love conquers all. Maybe, we were wrong. This is gonna hurt like a bitch (We built it up so high and now I'm fallin', it’s a long way down)
H-Olivia: I LIVE FOR YOU, I LONG FOR YOU, I LOVE YA. And i think i’ll always love ya. And I’m scared...of life without you (i get the feeling you’re walking out, time is irrelevant when i’ve not been seeing you, the consequences are falling now, there’s something i’m having nightmares about...dont let me go). But maybe just maybe thats okay, because you’re AIMH (you live in my imagination...i love you, it’s all i do).
L-Love you Goodbye: I fucking love you and I’ll always fucking love you but i think this is the right thing to do even though it feels so wrong (i know there’s nothing i can do to change it, but is there something that can be negotiated?) We made some goddamn fireworks together though (unforgettable together held the whole world in our hands) and do ya maybe think...we can make them just once more? (if tomorrow you wont be mine, let me give it to you one last time, baby let me love you goodbye...one more taste of your lips just to bring me back to the places we’ve been and the nights we’ve had because if this is it, then at least we could end it riiiiight). ********in the interview with our FAVE Gwen Garcia, she asked if it’s better to say goodbye and end a relationship that’s not feeling right or keep trying even if your heart’s not in it. Harry responds with “I think it’s better to say goodbye...but sometimes if youre trying to protect..” Then Louis cuts him off and says “you’re going deep aren’t you”, brushing the question off as a joke but imho i think there was pain in that answer. Then Harry continues “if you’re not 100% in it, I think it’s better for both parties if you say goodbye”. And Louis adds a “yeah” at the end.********
H-Walking in the Wind: I know this is scary but i think we can do it, (you said to me do you believe i’ll be too far? if youre lost just look for me you’ll find me) I think because youre AIMH and i’m always in yours, it’ll be good for us. And look at us being mature, we’re killing it babe. We can live our separate lives and grow on our own. We dont need to make it messy and hurtful. We’re on the same page. (the fact that we can sit right here and say goodbye means we’ve already won. A necessity for apologies between you and me, baby there is none). At this point, we’re kinda part of each other right? So it’s healthy for us to be apart for a bit. (it’s not the end, i’ll see your face again... i know we’ll be alright...just close your eyes and see i’ll be by your side any time you need me). And you’ve helped me grow into the person I am, and I you, so that’s cool as hell, right? (you will find me in places that we’ve never been). We had a TON of fun (we had some good times didnt we) so i feel okay that we’re doing this (goodbyes are bittersweet) and starting the next adventure in our lives.
H-If I could fly: I. am. yours. Louis. William. Tomlinson. (for your eyes only, i’ll show you my heart). Maybe this growth thing isn’t worth it, let me prove to you how much you mean to me (i think i might give up everything just ask me to). This is gonna be hard as shit because i’m so dependent on you (i’m missing half of me when we’re apart). I’m being honest and I’m being scared and I’m being vulnerable because I can’t lie to you and pretend I’m strong (i let my guard down, right now i’m completely defenseless). But we’re part of each other, right? (i could feel your heart inside of mine). I’ll always be here for you Lou (for when you’re lonely and forget who you are) even if for now we can’t physically be together.
L-Home: I’ve tried, Harry. I’ve tried to play pretend (told myself i kind of like her but there was something missin in her eyes). But i was lost (i was stumblin, lookin in the dark with an empty heart) because none of it was enough, none of it was YOU (it was there i sawr it in your eyes). And then i met you and you felt the same and we’re both lost souls playing pretend who found magic in each other (but you say you feel the same, could we ever be enough?) Is our love enough to overcome everything? Maybe we can be enough. Maybe I can make this enough, let me try to make it enough for you. And if we go our separate ways, know that I’m here for you no matter what. I won’t let you be lost again. (When you’re lost I’ll find a way and I’ll be your light, you will never feel like you’re alone, I’ll make this feel like home). So go. wander. find yourself. Then when you’re ready, come home.
2016-2017
H- Sweet Creature: ***Harry admit that this was the first song he wrote for the album**** We aren’t in the best place rn. We’ve been fighting (had another talk about where it’s going wrong...it’s hard when we argue, we’re both stubborn). But it’s you Louis. It can’t be anyone else. (don’t know where we’re going but we know where we belong... wherever I go, you bring me home). That’s not even a question. I’m still trying to figure out who I am, but the one thing I know is that a large part of who I am is you (we started 2 hearts in one home). And aint no way I’m losing that part of myself (when i run out of road, you bring me home). It was always you.
H-MMITH: Whenever you’re ready, I’m ready (just let me know i’ll be at the door, hoping you’ll come around). I know I need to work on myself a little more (i gotta get better, and maybe we’ll work it out) but honestly i’m getting impatient and i want things to go back to how they were and i want to be yours again (once you go without it, nothing else would do). But I can’t communicate this to you clearly so let me just put this in a song and hope you get it (we dont talk about it, it’s something we dont do) ****Harry mentioned in an interview that he expresses himself through songwriting when he can’t say the words directly to a person because it’s easier to just write it in a song than have difficult conversations*****
H-ESNY: ****honestly no idea what this song is about but it’s something to do with them fighting and not communicating and being in a weird place before their relationship is rekindled******* edit: this could be about his stepdad
H-FTDT: I MISS YOU AND I’M TOO FULL OF PRIDE TO TELL YOU DIRECTLY JUST COME BACK INTO LIFE LOU I’M LONELY AND SAD AND EMPTY AND IM NOT FUCKING FINDING MYSELF LIKE YOU SAID I WOULD (woke up alone, played with myself where were you...we havent spoke since you went away, why wont you ever say what you wanna say) So until then I sit and wait for your sorry ass to make the first move (maybe one day you’ll call me and tell me that you’re sorry too...but you never do). Also like i have to hear from other people how you are?? (i saw your friend that you know from work, he said that you feel just fine) ANd you’re sharing OUR clothes with people?? wtf just swallow your pride and call me
L-Miss You: OKAY BUT I CANT JUST CALL YOU BECAUSE I HAVE PRIDE TOO also my mates are trying to make me get over you (now i’m asking my friends how to say I’m sorry, they say lad give it ttime there’s no need to worry, and we can’t even be on the phone now). So i’m just numbing your absence with partying and drinks but CLEARLY ITS NOT WORKING (should be laughing but there’s something wrong...shit maybe i miss you...when i feel it coming up i just throw it all away, get another few shots cuz it doesn’t matter anyway...such a good time, i’ll believe it this time). This is weird bc like you were my everything but im trying to get used to this and it fucking sux (oh how shit changes, we were in love, now we’re strangers). And tbh, its scary af bc what if this is it (i’m asking myself, is it over?). BUT ALSO LIKE WTF U COULD REACH OUT FIRST YA KNOW (i’ve been checking my phone all evening).
H-Anna: wtf Louis how do you not see how much this is killing me. I miss you so much and seeing you on tv or in pics drives me wild bc you’re not mine. (I don’t want your sympathy but you don’t know what you do to me...everytime I see your face there’s only so much I can take...I guess it would be nice if I can touch your body). And idk if you’re replacing me (don’t know where you’re laying, just know it’s not with me) and we’re in SUCH a weird place rn how do I tell u you’re the loml (don’t know what I’d say if I passed you on the street...don’t know what I’d tell you if you asked me for the truth) so I refuse to put this song on the album and let you know this and give you satisfaction from knowing how gone I still am for you bc I have 0 idea how you feel (hope you never see this and know that it’s for you)
L-Always You: SO THIS IS ME SWALLOWING MY PRIDE STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU SAYING IM SORRY FOR THAT NIGHT... ok but fr i miss u i miss u i miss u i miss u and nothing else compares like i can travel the whole world and all i think about is how much more fun it was with you and the memories we shared and i wish i could just say thx fr th mmrs and move on but actually no thx actually fuck you for making me not able to enjoy my life without you. So like...come home? and wrap your legs around me? also lmao i took El to a gay bar in amsterdam for her bday lmao i miss u come cuddle me and i’ll tell you all about it
L-We Made It: looks like we made it, look how far we’ve come my baby. They saidd I bett they’ll never make it, but just look at us holding onn, we’re still togetherr, still going stronggg. Also to the fans, miss our single bed and the nights we talked about our dreams :-* also Andrew my man luv u
2018-2019
L-KMM: our love was youthful and exhilarating and fucking electric and i think it still can be. dont know what i’d do without you now H
L-DLIBYH: We’re strong babe and we’ve grown and we aren’t gonna let life drag us down. I’m doing better, you’re doing better, this is what we wanted. And now any shit we go through, we’ll go through TOGETHER
L-Too Young: Okay but looking back, that was a lot of shit we went through and we were just babies and i’m sorry for not fighting harder (i cant believe i gave in to the pressure when they said a love like this would never last so i cut you off cuz i didnt know no better) baby i tried, i tried to protect you but like it was just so much and i hate that you got hurt and i wont ever let that happen again. ALso go us for being mature and COMMUNICATING (face to face at the kitchen table, we can finally have a conversation that I wish we could’ve had before). ANd i know you’re an arrogant son of a bitch who can’t admit when he’s sorry so here let ME say i’m sorry that i hurt you darling. Like we were too young to know we had everything BUT now we’re old(er) and can realize that when we’re together, we DO have everything now and omg is this our happily ever after and we can have a daughter and name her Darcy
L-Habit: do i need to spell it out for you iiiiii aaaaaaaaammmmmmm sssssssoooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyy. But tbh i let you go because it felt right because mentally you were already out the door and i needed to give you room to grow babe. And i needed the space too (you gave me the time and the space i was out of control and i’m sorry i let you down). but like also i’ve learned i can’t escape you Styles. You’re always in my fucking heart and my fucking mind and in every essence of my being and somehow I knew that 9 years ago and it took me this long to realize how powerful this really is (guess that that i know what i already knew, i was better with you and i miss you now). Ooooh also my favorite line i wrote (took some time cuz i ran out of energy of playing someone I heard I’m supposed to be and honestly i dont have to choose anymore) like who am i kidding, im done pretending i just wanna be yoursss now
L-Defenseless: I can’t help it okay theres something about you that doesn’t let me stay away. I need you and I know that rekindling this relationship isn’t going to be easy even though it feels so so right. It’s going to be hard work (sleeping on our problems but we’ll solved them in our dreams, wake up early morning and it’s still under the sheets) and we need to communicate and solve our problems but here I am, raw and unfiltered and emotionally naked in front of you ready to lay it all on the table (not sure how to say this right, got so much to lose. NEver been so defenseless). So like this branch I’m reach out to you and you be honest with me too babe (you dont have to keep on being strong for me and you. Acting like you feel no pain, you know i know you do...I can’t get inside, when you’re lost in your pride but you don’t have a thing to prove). Be open with me. Lets talk. Let’s solve problems. Lets have an adult relationship. I’m asking for a little vulnerabiltiy babe. It’s just me. Theres nothing to be scared of
L-Walls: And here you have me in my purest form. No lies, no secrets, no insecurities to hide behind. Losing you was fucking painful but i got through it. I’ve been through hell and back and I’ve fought. And without you, I grew into the person I am. And any further growing i’m doing is gonna be with you. bc it was all for you babe. and honestly i can take anything life throws at me now. I’m strong baby. I’m fucking strong and fucking brave and fucking resilient and...fucking yours. ***** wtf is the I just hope i see you one day and you’ll say to me oh oh********
H-Golden: You are the literal sun and I’m not ready. YOU’RE SUCH A GOOD PERSON (you were way too bright for me, i’m hopeless, broken, so you wait for me in the sky). I’m scared to go through this alone, I need your comfort and your guidance (i can feel you take control of who i am and all i’ve ever known). But you’re scared to go through this with me bc you dont wanna get hurt and i’m too open so where tf does that leave us. ******this could be about coming out especially with the London AND NY secret shows where Harry added the lyric I’m hoping someday you’ll open*******
H-Adore You: You dont have to say you love me, you dont have to say nothing, you dont have to say you’re mine. I’d walk through fire for you. Just let me adore Lou. Like its the only thing I’ll ever do. read: Louis is a great person to just admire what he’s like. ALso I dont need anything back. I just dont want to hide my love for you anymore. I don’t need answers or promises. Just let me adore you. ********the music video is also basically a Louis appreciation post. He was the boy with the smile that the world took away from him. He found Harry lost and loved him and nurtured him and made him confident and allowed him to be who he wanted to be. But in doing so, Harry became big and unsatisfied and wanted to explore the world and was clearly interested in Hollywood and Rockstardom especially evident in his behavior 2014-2015. And Louis wasn’t about that life and didn’t want to hold him back. So he let him free. But they realized that they don’t work apart. Wherever they’re going, they’re going together, as the boy sails into the unknown following the fish. I see it as Harry’s version of “this one is a thank you for what you did for me” ************* I see it, I appreciate it, and I love you for it
H-Lights Up: ****fight with Louis. (What do you mean I’m sorry by the way) About coming out? About fame? (Step into the light, so bright sometimes) Either way, L is the guy driving the motorcycle in the video who makes H feel comfortable and safe until they get pulled over because SOMEONE wont let them love*******
H-Falling: What if i’m out, what if i’m someone you won’t talk about? Okay maybe I lied I do want you to claim me. Would me coming out of the closet make that hard for you? I CAN’T GO THROUGH AN IDENTITY CRISIS WITHOUT YOU LOU. I picked someone supportive and now I’m spoiled and I dont know how to be with myself. You want back in my life but what if I dont deserve it? (you said you cared and you missed me too...what i’m someone i dont want around). What if you’re better off without me? (i get the feeling that you’ll never need me again). I know youve been through so much shit because of me, things you’ve never even told me about and im afraid...that I wasn’t worth it. Am I being selfish? because either way, i want YOU (what if you’re someone i just want around). Does that make me a bad person?
H-TBSL: ****Probably when they starting talking again but it was v casual and they didn’t really discuss their relationship yet*****. I MISS U BUT I WONT TELL U THAT and its nice to talk to u again i missed your voice but if u call me baby i will kill u bc that word has weight OKAY. Like i know you just call everyone babe and darling and sweetheart but baby is FOR ME and only for me when you wake up with me and cuddle me and if you think you have any right calling me baby without giving the luxury of being in a relationship with you then piss off because that shit hurts dude. (i know that you’re trying to be friends, know that you mean it...it’s hard for me to go home to be so lonely). ALso it’s not my fault i’m like this, you literally captured my heart when i was 16 like wtf do u expect (dont blame me for falling, i was just a little boy)
H-Sunflower Vol. 6: we were babies and i was so enamored by you and you’re so bright and beautiful and i want to watch you all day and make you smile and i want you to touch my hair and call me curly and i hope im not making you uncomfortable with my heart eyes but like how are you so perfect. I hope you think i’m cool, i’m really trying but like you’re SO FUNNY and charming and everyone loves you i hope im not embarassing myself. And now it’s like 8 years later and i think i can have you again and i want you so bad but i dont wanna seem too eager and im trying to have dignity and not text you first but like also i want nothing more than to talk to you. Do you think i’m cool now? did you like my new hairstyle? Do you think i’m funny on tour? I want everything i want to be domestic again and kiss in the kitchen and i want to cook for you and as;ldfa;sdhaf i want to buy you flowers everyday and shower ur cute face with kiss. boopx28
H-Canyon Moon: Hell yea i got ma man back and i have a girlfriend named Jennifer ;) and we are domestic and even though I HATE being away from him for work (so hard to leave it) we have the 2 week rule yall then i can wrap my legs around him and after so so so long I’ll be h.o.m.e. Also did i tell you his eyes are so so blue like sky who i dont know her
H-TPWK: So we’re really doing this. We don’t need to have it all figured out. We can just be us. and happy. and dance. The world loves us babe. (Giving second chances, I don’t need all the answers and if we’re here long enough we’ll see it’s all for us and we’ll belong)
H-Fine Line: You’ve got my devotion but man I can hate you sometimes....We’ll be a fine line. Between what? love and hate? public and private? out and in the closet? each others’ and ourselves? Idk. But i’m going to swallow my pride (my hands at risk I fold) because no matter what, the worst possible outcome is not having you. And I never wanna go through that again. I know we have work to do on our relationship (spreading you open is the only way I know you). And there’s lot of unknown here (there’s things that we’ll never know) but what i do know is that i cant resist you (you sunshine you temptress) and i cant be without you ever again. I think it’ll be hard as hell. But when have we known love as anything but hard? And when have we known our love as anything but worth it? We’ll be a fine line baby. But i know, i knowww with every part of me that we’ll be alright. Because these past 10 years, we’ve been through A LOT. ANd it could have ruined us and made us cynical and cold and closed off. And I think at one point it did. But you know what we did? We fought it. We fought it together. Then we fought it individually. And we became BRAVE. And a brilliant man once said, “love is only for the brave”.
#hl#stayed up till 5 am writing this so if the quality worsens through the post thats why#ik the og larries think they never broke up and i have mad respect for them#again this is just what i got from listening to the songs back to back#we all have our own opinions#none of us know ANYTHING#dm if you wanna discuss tho!#larry#larry stylinson#larry timeline#larry is real#larry masterpost#larry breakup#larry break up#larry theory#fine line analysis#walls analysis#larry analysis#louis tomlinson#Harry Styles
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