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nardos-primetime · 3 days

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first thing that pops up on my for you page from your blog:

i am so lost from where this guy came from. is this an au? also i am extremely jealous of their hair, i want it for no good reason. lmfao sorry for the weird question/ask.

He's from a newer au I haven't talked about yet! Don't feel weird for asking at all!

The whole au is like. Heavily inspired by Cyberpunk 2077 (a guilty pleasure of mine), it could technically be a crossover au, I guess? I dunno, but I'm lazy/like to do stuff for fun, so certain aspects are obviously going to be changed. I'm not totally settled on designs, but I think I'm gonna keep most of the design aspects from this drawing for the "finalized" concepts.

The main plot centers on Casey Jr being put under the care of the turtles by "Mother" soon after having a whole (unwilling) relic insert situation in his brain, leading to former star Lou Jitsu to be revived within his mind!

The issue is that all of the turtles aren't really. The best father figures. None of them even want anything akin to a child, and even if Casey is 19, these guys are Mercs. Outside of their own clubbing and shows they do gigs for cash, including dangerous ones, ESPECIALLY dangerous ones. Having this new guy is like, a total roadblock, especially because Casey still, somehow, despite Night City's clutches and the last group he was pressured into before this, has some morals about him. The only reason they didn't kill him and stage an accident is because Mother promised them financial compensation for caring for him.

So he's stuck with four new "dads" who mostly all hate him or find him annoying, and Lou is not any different, he also finds him naive but he dislikes the turtles as well because he's a jaded old fuck (major hypocrite, too).

While the turtles are baseline all mercenaries, they share some traits between each other instead of leaving it to a "one guy only" job in most cases.

Donnie has the most technical skill, falling mostly under Techie and Net/Edgerunner, he adores tech after all, he also has illegally dabbles in being a ripperdoc, primarily for his brothers.

Mikey is actually the fallback for general medical issues, including those involving backfiring implants. He's only better at this because he's dabbled in researching (and using) tons of remedies, mainly for pain. He's the guy who's helped Donnie when working on inserting implants in the others. He's even stayed awake during his own surgeries to help Donnie during his fuck ups and implants.

Leo, while not extreme netrunner levels, does hold some hacking knowledge, just what he needs to make things a little easier with anything but combat most of the time, as combat is what he enjoys the most within jobs. He also tends to be the one to make their deals with Mother.

Raph is mainly muscle. Not to say he's simple, it's just his main role and main focus, having grown much more protective over the years, often acting as a bodyguard for the others during their own shows (hence he has the least involvement with any of their music). He's the least of the bad influences for Casey, at least directly.

They used to have another member of the group a few years ago, a media. Or a media wannabe, at least.

They normally have some reference to her, even if small, hidden within their shows.

This is all, of course, not tapping into their mystics, which are a bit different in this au as well with how they work. Lets just say Mother allows them special permissions when it comes to mystic usage.

...at least those are some of the basic ideas I've been throwing around in my head for the story, lol. I like to throw ideas at the wall and see what sticks to me. The whole thing is technically a wip still but so are 90% of my aus tbh lmao, this onrs just a lot more wippy because it's mainly a "for fun" au and I also haven't been able to play cyberpunk for myself to brush up on things outside of research and sometimes a man is just... not up for that, especially lately with my attention span, I hope to brush up a little more again sometime soon and maybe even delve into some aspects from the og ttrpg perhaps, I'm not sure yet, though, haha.

Oops long post, huh? My bad </3

#nardo's asks.txt #rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rise of the tmnt #rottmnt au #rise leo #rottmnt leo #rise donnie #rottmnt donnie #rise mikey #rottmnt mikey #rise raph #rottmnt raph #rise casey jr #rottmnt casey jr #long post #cyberpunk au #me when i ramble on accident

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gretagator · 3 months

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Chcuk McGill.... save me

#better call saul #bcs #chuck mcgill #fanart #art #never doing this again.#i swear it looks better irl #i haven't been drawing a lot lately because i don't have time and also i've been busy trying to stay alive hihi #honestly wondering if i'll ever be able to function in society lolzsjh can't even say hi back to people because it makes me feel weird.#i feel most comfortable just staring silently. and then i'll complain about feeling lonely ughggd what's wrong with me #if complaining in tumblr tags was an occupation i would be rich....

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crest-of-gautier · 5 months

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video editing is so fun... (specifically cutting down hours of gameplay into a highlights format)

#lizz.txt #it feels really ironic to post about video editing being fun when that's all i've been doing for the past 3 weeks LOL #but i haven't been able to edit something in highlights format since late november 2023 (which is my favorite type of editing)#technically i could've edited the big run recording from december but i was intimidated by the 12 hr-ish length #but after working on my friend and i's video essay im like 'actually cutting down 12 hr footage is way easier' LMAOO #and since im 99% done with that and i had some time to spare tonight i started to work through some recordings :D #there's two major ones i want to work through... a splatoon 1 revisit with friends + big run #hoping to have those done by the end of february at the latest!! but ideally i'd like to have it done earlier because!!!#i'm interested in recording eggstra work (not that they've announced it) as well as um. reload #i have so much positive regard for the characters in p3 that i'm like 'i don't think i can control the words that come out of my mouth-#when i'm very excited about something' so i'd like to have my playthrough documented somewhere LOL even if i dont post it!!!#sometimes i think about how when i was playing fe3h i got to the sylvain and felix A+ support and HOW I LOST MY MIND ON VC #and IT WAS SO FUNNY bc i spent like 10 minutes watching that support conversation because every line of dialogue made my brain explode #AND SOMEWHERE in the middle of it my mom called me and i was like (hyperventilating) “HI MOM! DID YOU KNOW! I LIKE VIDEO GAMES!”#or something like that. i can't remember i was kind of lightheaded but anyway im kind of sad that there's no physical proof that happened #ANYWAY i fully expect that reload will make me jump and down ontop of a matress in some shape and form like idk i just like kitaro a lot #but also because purse owner games are LONG im like 'jfc that's going to be a lot of GB. i need to edit my current recordings-#so that i have enough space to accomodate for that' FDKLHLFDH. hence... wanting to work on my video projects #BUT I SO DESPERATELY WANT TO DRAW TOO.. oh the woes of being a multicreative. its ok! i like having hobbies to bounce between #they call it persona 3 reload because it reloads my brain ammo and revitalizes my creative efforts (joke)#seriously though i've been itching to doodle more p3 but im like 'what the FUCK are ideas that aren't splatoon' (this is what happens when-#you only play splatoon. your brain gets filled with SQUIDS!!!). anyway. i hope everyone's had a nice january so far!!! :D #i am always in a constant state of excitement and overload and i needed to get this out somewhere!!#BUT ALSO i want people to know that i like video editing. and that i am looking forward to making videos. while also drawing :3 #i will post and share the videos i make here. whenever they're done. LOL. sorry not sorry for filling up your screen with tags <3

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choochooboss · 1 year

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Submas sketchdump! Vol. 1

April-June 2022

Literally dumping all the presentable works as promised, whether I'm proud of them or not! This is where I started, even before the first thing I posted online (That subway station one). Many of these are not on Twitter yet so there's lots to see!

The top piece above the header is my very first digital Submas artwork!! I never finished it bc I didn't know how to pull my vision of as I wanted & started modeling the train and didn't finish that either, whoops! I really want to remake this later and make it super cool!

^^^ My reaction to breaking 500 likes & 100 followers in a single day with my first tweet (the battle subway one) all the way back in May!! I was completely floored by all the attention, oh how it skyrocketed my excitement and anxiety! Crazy times, I was so super nervous to be there with so many amazing artists and doubted if I could ever survive there ahahah!! Many had joined the community much much earlier than me, so I had arrived with a late train to PLA/neo Submas hype!

Next up is a bunch of stuff I haven't posted before:

One of my fav sketches! Been saving this for so long bc I really really want to finish this one day!

One of the first submas sketches with an actual story behind it! The subway bosses are running late for their flight because they didn't pass the safety check! The irony!! This would never happen as bosses are always on schedule. But Emmet hadn't noticed a wild Joltik hiding under his coat, so he set up the alarm and they got examined and interrogated of smuggling! How embarrassing for them! The bosses resolved the situation by catching the Joltik, but will they be able to catch their flight anymore?? Maybe if Elesa can distract the stuerts performing the safety protocol for a minute!

More sketchbook stuff...

In case you can't make any sense of it, Emmet's dreaming of different combinations of pokémon. Meanwhile Ingo snores louder than the train! HONK SHOO!

Top 7 every submas fan draws at some point!

Submas trademark posing

submas sleeping in a train

sad Emmet

Emmet with Joltik

Ingo with a cool solo pose

Emmet being chaotic & Ingo reacting to it

a bunch of mirrored submas poses

I sure have a full bingo card lmao, most of them you can see here XD

Next up is a sad man...

Stay strong our friends!

My typical sketchbook pages, crammed and messy as usual. x)

Post-PLA exploration:

A few examples of how my pencil sketches evolve.

I've done so much art experimenting with submas. I really like this black & white painting but I don't think I'll finish it anytime soon.

Where did you go?

The way I draw the twins' faces has changed a lot. They started with softer features and somewhat neutral emotions, because I wasn't as familiar with them or comfortable drawing them yet. Now there's hundreds of submas sketches, and they still keep evolving! My style is also kinda hard to pull off well, so their features differ from picture to picture.

This one was inspired by some submas music videos, can't recall their names anymore. The glowing eerie eyes and yellow&orange + black&white color schemes were neat!

I keep telling myself I need to draw more butlers, these twinks look so lean and neat and have more color and are posh with their monocles and have fun tailcoats!

(...why eyeglasses are not called binocles??)

I was there for the vinegar chaos. Good times!

That's all for now, I hope you got something fun out of this! Still got loads more art to share but I'll save them for another time. Next round I'll bring in my first submas comic!

#submas #sbms #submas ingo #submas emmet #pokemon ingo #pokemon emmet #subway boss ingo #subway boss emmet #ingo and emmet #sketch dump #chandelure #archeops #sinistea #submas butlers #butler ingo #butler emmet #too many ideas #butlermas

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chaeminnieya · 7 months

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Cat&Mouse

[Pairing] An Yujin x Aespa!reader

[Summary] IVE’s Yujin and Aespa’s Y/n make an appearance on [Self-on Kode]

[Warnings] Just two cuties being cuties

I would recommend watching an episode of Self on Kode before reading this, just to understand more

Mouse🐭 has entered the chat

[Hii!]

the message popped up on Yujin's screen making her jump and then quickly scramble to respond to said message

[Hi!]

[Who are you?]

[I'm mouse?? I think]

[HiHiHi?]

[You type fast.]

[I'm cat.]

=========================================== “Hello! My nickname is the cat!” Yujin said while waving to the camera with a smile

“When she said that she was mouse…i honestly couldn't take her seriously anymore because now I was picturing a mouse texting me.”===========================================

[is it fate that we are cat and mouse??]

[cats eat mice, don't they?]

[don't eat me :(]

[I'll think about it.]

=========================================== “She has good punctuation so I thought she might be somebody older than me.”

“I noticed she doesn't really use punctuation..”===========================================

[What is your MBTI?]

[ISTP, yours?]

[ENFP]

[P sisters!]

[I see how you could be ISTP you seem shy]

[only sometimes.]

[will I get to see the times when you aren't shy?]

[I imagine you're a cool person]

[Why are you so slow when typing?]

[Why are you so fast?]

========================================== “It felt like when I was replying to one message, another sent!”

“She is definitely ENFP.”==========================================

[please reveal your home screens.]

Yujin’s Y/n’s

[Your home screen is way tidier than I imagined]

[Really? I thought yours would look like how the home screen looks on a new phone]

[Also, bts?]

[I haven't listened to BTS in a long time]

[really?]

[yeah, I've been listening to a lot of new-gen music]

[do you have a favorite group?]

[yes!]

[my fave group rn is IVE]

[I love all of their songs]

[Blue Blood and WAVE are my favorites right now]

[whose your bias?]

===========================================“ When she said her favorite group is IVE I think I might have died.” ===========================================

[it would be either Yujin or Liz]

[Yujin is really cool.]

[isn't she?!]

[Short hair really compliments her.]

[I really love her tomboy vibe.]

[you think?]

[100%]

[do you like aespa?]

[I love aespa.]

[REALLY? Whats your favorite song?]

[dreams come true.]

[REALLY?!!! Wow i love you already]

[who is your bias?]

[Y/n 100% i have liked her ever since she was a trainee]

[wow wowow]

[there is this movie that i really love]

[its called ballerina.]

[it just came out on Netflix, you should watch it.]

[have you watched any dramas lately?]

=========================================== “She..kept jumping from topic to topic!” Yujin said while laughing ===========================================

[nope,I’ve been too busy, but ill watch ballerina as soon as i can.]

[im gonna hold you to that😡]

[send me your photo.]

Y/ns Yujins

[seems like we were both fashionable]

[you’re so cute]

[i wonder if the shirt you’re wearing comes in my size..]

[maybe ill look to see if it is, your smile is so cute]

=========================================== “She was such a cute baby! When i saw the photo I literally squealed” Y/n said while using your hands to exaggerate ===========================================

[what do you think she looks like now?]

Yujins drawing Y/ns drawing

[why are my eyes facing different directions?!]

[omg srry its just that the time was running out and i panicked😰]

[but ATLEAST i made you as a person you literally drew me as a mouse]

[mice are cute aren’t they?]

[Reveal]

You were crouched at the wall as if you were trying to hide as you heard the producer say “1..2..3..look.” To yujin.

She stepped around the corner and the second you saw her your soul jumped from your body, leaving you stiff and you couldn’t help but think back to when you told her your bias was literally her.

[earth to y/n?]

The second she saw you she immediately bowed making you snap from your trance and instantly stood up and bowed back frantically.

“Gosh I'm so embarrassed” Yujin said with a sigh as she covered her blushing complexion

“Noo!” you said while laughing and prying her hands from her face “Don't be, I love all my fans.” you teased

“You really do look like a cat..!” you said while practically staring into her soul, making her blush and pull away

[cuties]

“I felt so embarrassed for talking about her like that to her face especially because she's older.”

“Im not that old!” You said while playfully pushing her and mumbling that two years isn’t that big of a gap

[ will you continue to speak after the show?]

“Yes! She is my wife now.” You nodded as you held her hand.

“She can’t get rid of me now.” You said while shaking her softly making Yujin laugh and pull away as the two of you talked, as the camera blurred out and it cut to the two of you standing together

“Thank you for having us Kode!” Yujin smiled “Thanks for introducing me to my wife” you continued while waving

#ahn yujin #an yujin #ahn yujin x reader #ive #ive yujin #yujin #yujin fluff #kpop x reader #kpop gg #kpopidol #kpop #yujin x fem reader #yujin x reader #aespa #ive imagines #should i turn this into a series? i kinda love them #Spotify

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sepublic · 2 months

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The Owl House's Ending Anniversary...

So it's officially been one whole year since The Owl House ended.

One year ago, I wondered how I would move on. How I would keep going. But I also knew I would, no matter what, because time keeps going on. Things will eventually pass, they always do, that's how so many moments and days for me have gone. Even entire periods of my life.

So I'm not surprised how things have gone on since then; I still had plenty more things to say about TOH, and I still love it just as I have. I've gotten new hyperfixations, and even returned to old ones as some of you can see with recent posts, so it's only a matter of time before TOH circles back again.

And man does it feel so slow, only to feel so brief, it really feels like this anniversary has snuck up on and surprised me! And once again, we have some other, appropriate event lined up; A solar eclipse on this anniversary! Luckily there's no sigils nor coven heads gathered to make me worry. But dang, it was raining in Connecticut when Luz returned there, and it was the rebirth of Jesus when Luz was resurrected.

Makes me wonder if anyone of the Boiling Isles, justifiably, has had PTSD from solar eclipses, and dreaded any that showed up, despite knowing it couldn't happen again. People must've held their breaths the entire time during the first eclipse, panicked at even the slightest fatigue, and then it passed and they realized it really was impermanent and over. And that there was another step towards moving on, which I guess I can relate to now, though this is something I'm much less happy to see gone.

I think a lot about how TOH has influenced both me and my writing, how I approach characters and stories now. I've found myself gravitating more and more towards personal, character-driven stories and situations now. I still have a bit of a taste for grander-scale stuff, but TOH was special for me in that it feels like the first time I really got and understood a show and its characters from the ground-up as I experienced it all in real time. The first time I truly grasped themes and character arcs and could make reasoned predictions based on those, some of which came true! It really feels like THE big start of my media literacy in a way?

It's been fun looking back at TOH as a 'whole' work more or less to reevaluate, and learning other things behind-the-scenes about the show. We've had a few more livestreams and stuff confirmed. Dana's done more drawings, including on her Patreon.

I haven't been writing as much TOH stuff lately, and tbf I've already said soooo much. I might have other, new things to say later down the line, and I do have a few thoughts I've written in notes that maybe could be fully-fledged posts in their own right. I've found comparisons to protagonists of other media, like Miles Morales, or Arin from Ninjago.

The Owl House still is and will probably always be something truly special to me; It feels like my first real fandom experience. My first time understanding and learning a show, appreciating it as it develops and even as I speculate. It broadened my tastes and horizons, my ability to participate with others in stuff.

I miss it; I miss new episodes, new developments. I'm still agonized over things that could've been, things I would've loved to see more of. I'm apprehensive over whether we'll get that Raeda prequel because I don't wanna get my hopes up. Plus Dana needs a well-deserved break and is trying and experimenting with new, different things. And I get that.

It's bittersweet, it's scary, it's freeing, it's sad, it's happy. I've gone so far, this show and fandom has gone so far. And it'll keep going, it has to, time keeps marching on. Luz had to lose her father Manny, process that, but still keep going and must be surprised looking back how much she's adjusted since then, how much she's still grown and gained and learned, while still holding him dear; The same applies for the Titan and the magic she once wielded. With grief and acceptance being a core theme in this show, I'm not surprised that it prepped up the viewers to do the same, and now we have.

And you know what? I'm gonna keep going on, like Luz Noceda, possibly my favorite protagonist of all time, one of the greats and a huge inspiration now for how I really want to write and focus on my own protagonists, too. I'm gonna keep doing this like it never ended. The rate and frequency might fluctuate, but every now and then I'll have things to say, and stuff to drop by and check, such as with the tag and the occasional trending post, others' reblogs, and so forth.

So again, thanks to Dana and the crew. Thanks to Luz Noceda, Eda Clawthorne, King Clawthorne, and the other many, many characters! Luz's story is one where it feels like the show really is about her at its core and wraps around to her, and I want to do a story one day that accomplishes the same feeling. And as I see how Dana has been inspired by past influences, I can't help but look forward to future generations and stories that will themselves have been inspired by The Owl House, I know I've been already, retroactively applying it to things that were already fairly compatible to begin with, and really needed the fresh breath of new inspiration.

I'm repeating a lot of the same things I've said last year. Will I say the same stuff another whole year from now? I'll see. But until next time... BBBBYYYYYYEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

#the owl house #ramblings #meta #nostalgia #psa #the owl house anniversary

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sanhatipal · 11 months

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"Noble d'Apchier"

A little watercolor painting of Chloe,with the Zorn palette! I found out about this palette a while ago and I really wanted to try it out! (More on that below )

Chloe's hair is something I adore, it's gotta be one of my absolute favourite character designs ever,I love how swirly and fluffy it is,very fun to draw. I've drawn her normally before,I wanted to do one with her vampire eyes and fangs too. I decided to try to draw a white fuzzy rim around the foreground against the plain background,for a change,like in some of the VnC panels.

The Zorn palette,or Apelles Palette was a colour scheme used by Anders Zorn in the late Victorian/Early Edwardian era. It ,or something similar,might have been used by artists of old civilizations too, because it avoids the use of blue and green entirely: which would eliminate the need for rare pigments . It's essentially a colour mixing challenge,to draw the entire paintings with 4 pigments,2 basic colours: Ochre yellow, Vermillion,and Black and white,which can be mixed into different shades. It can be an excellent exercise and means for portrait painting

Modern artists use red instead of vermillion,but the essence is the same. So that's what I did too. I considered using vermillion,but I realised that it would introduce a lot of yellow tint, making the picture very warm. Which is usually something I prefer honestly,but not what I was going for here. Also,I need to consider the fact that I'm a watercolour artist,which is very different from the original intended palette. Zorn used oil paints,but other artists use it fine for gouache and acrylic too, however,that too is different from watercolor, because instead of mixing with white, I'll be diluting with water,which changes the composition of the palette considerably. So I went with these supplies: ochre yellow and red watercolor pencils (for me, basically watercolor pigments,I don't use them to draw,I grind and dissolve them in water),white and black watercolor tubes,and white ink. In addition: lineart with sepia,grey and black brush pens,which are well within the bounds of the palette

To be honest,I ended up not using the white paint tube at all,water makes more sense to me. I didn't use anything else though,and stuck with the original materials.And the results:

Does it work? Hell yeah. It's not perfect,but I'm happy with how she turned out

Was it restricting? That's kind of the point,to paint with some limitations

Was it hard? Honestly? No. Not at all. It's definitely very different from what I'm used to,I use a lot of colours both as is and mixed,but this was surprisingly easy. Perhaps because of my subject,which didn't have much colour to begin with

Do I recommend it? If you want a small challenge,or to experiment or practice colour mixing,definitely

Will I do it again ? Absolutely. I feel like I haven't utilised much of the potential of this palette. I ended up using mainly red and black, hardly any yellow at all. So I'd like to do something more colourful with this palette, perhaps a sunny painting of a gingerhead girl with flowers,and for this I'll probably use vermillion,not red

Anyways, that's all! If you read all this,thank you for your time!!

#chloe d'apchier #the case study of vanitas #vanitas no carte #VnC #my art #traditional art #zorn palette #vnc fanart #vanitas no shuki #jun mochizuki #case study of vanitas

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risunsky · 6 months

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2023 review

So, was it a good year ?

I think so, I've enjoyed challenging myself, I've tried Beksinski for a second time, Klimt twice, I've done a crossover hellraiser which I'm quite happy with… I made cement for the first time and it was great!

At the 2022 review I said I wanted to do more horror, so I went for gore with all my emaciated skeletons and I'm very happy with that.

September is my favorite of all.

Outside of my fanart world, my biggest freelance achievement has been completing a big comic commission on time and now that the book is out and I've had good feedback from both commissioners and readers I'm relieved and quite proud. It's been a stressful time so it's nice to see that it hasn't all been for nothing. So, even though I'll never stop considering myself as a learner and experimenting with new things, I think that this year I've finally managed to settle on a style, or a range of styles, that I like and that I think I'll stick with for a long time. I've been drawing for a very long time but this is the first year I've felt so strongly that I've found MY style. As for my universe, it seems that somewhere in the horror area of dark fantasy it is my home.

What's planned for 2024?

In terms of priorities, the gift commissions, yeah.... I'm soooo late. I've finished one, but two are still on hold, and have been for at least a year now. I'm terribly sorry about that, because I haven't been overwhelmed like that for a long time, and I intend to sort it out as soon as possible.

It should also be the year I finish the Goya remake. Ideally, I'd like to finish in February because that's my birthday month, or March because that's the anniversary of my discovery of Ghost.

For the rest, don't take it as a promise, because I tend to let myself be carried along by my desires and they are constantly changing. For example, I was planning great things with Nunussy but the poor thing was left on the side of the road. My interest in it just died. it seems that shipping characters and writing an alternative universe for them is not my thing. I have at least 3 shorts comics ideas, more or less ghost related but always mixed with something else. I really really want to work on it but it's a lot of work and this year I need money, like more than usual so I don't know... I also want to do Bloodborne fanart.

The fails

I haven't kept to my plan to draw the other characters in the Ghost lore, oopsy. I still haven't had the time to open any commissions, but last year was really special, working on a big contract that kept me busy for months and that was something new, it was stressful enough. 2024 should be different. I had to show a bit more of my traditional technique, let's say I do it with the Goya project, it's a semi-failure.

Not really a failure: I still haven't come up with a design for an official t-shirt. I think that's because I'm more of an illustrator than a designer and for a good design I need to find a special thing. It's not a big deal for me, just, if it happens it's cool, if not, well, not the end of the world.

To finish

I'd like to thank all those who follow me and who like and share my drawings, including those who remain silent in the shadows - I'm myself a lurker so I understand! Of course, a huge thank you to those who have supported me on ko-fi, it's the first time I've tried this system and I'm happy to have had some support pretty quickly!

my apologies if there are any English mistakes in this text, which is still too long

Have a great festive season!

#text post

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clangenrising · 1 month

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Wow <3

Thank you guys so much for all of the amazing feedback during the Battle with Razor. And another, special thanks to @tiritirimatangi and the ClanGen team for the amazing game and for the special easter eggs included in the Myths and Mysteries update that is soon to be published. Seriously, without any of you guys, my fans included, I could not have made RisingClan what it is and I am SO thankful.

We recently passed the one year anniversary of this blog which is CRAZY to me. I have never stuck with a project this consistently for this long and I am amazed at the kind of stuff I've been able to put out. I have big plans for the story going forward that I am so excited to share with you guys.

However, this blog is a lot of work. I spend days a week writing for RisingClan and lately I haven't had the time to draw much art to go along with it, especially since I've had to get a day job. I want to do more with RisingClan, but at the moment, that's tricky. Several people have recommended that I start a Patreon or something to help and I was hesitant because I didn't want to get into any legal trouble but I recently learned that, as long as you don't use any official Warrior Cats branding, Warrior Cats is completely fine with people making money off of their fan works which is such a relief.

SO! I have some questions and I would love to hear your feedback on them.

If I started a Patreon, what kind of Patreon rewards would you be interested in seeing? What would you be willing to pay for those rewards? Is this something you would be interested in at all?

I think this could be a really good next step for this blog that would allow me a bit more freedom to pursue creative projects but I also am hesitant to get over excited when it comes to something like this. I'm sure you all saw the fiasco with Watcher.TV and I definitely don't want to make the same mistakes they did.

No matter what happens with the Patreon, I will never put any of the stuff you've been seeing behind a paywall. RisingClan is a project I want to share with my community and I'm not going to charge people to engage with my art. I also want to make sure that what I might provide on my Patreon feels like it is worth whatever you are being charged, even if that's just 1 dollar a month. I'm not here to get rich. I don't want anyone putting themself at financial risk on my behalf. All I want is to be able to feel a little more able to spend time on RisingClan without worrying that I'm being irresponsible.

Thank you again for following me so far and for being so amazing. I really could not ask for a better audience. I look forward to hearing your feedback, whatever it may be.

With so much love, ~ Rowan

#not art #housekeeping #important #patreon #RisingClan

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comradekatara · 4 months

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i am very curious about your thoughts on various utena/atla character parallels… every once in a while i see you offhandedly compare like.. korrasami and utenanthy and i’m like HOLD ON this is so true! if you have any further ideas about that i would LOVE to hear them. i honestly don’t know how big the audience is for rgu/atla analysis but i am definitely part of that audience. 😭

yesss i can't believe you're literally the first person to ask me this lately i've been making rgu references on like, every single post i'm shameless!!!!! over the summer i even wrote (like 95% of) an essay comparing sokka and nanami (tldr; they are meat) and i have yet to revisit it (bc i'm scared tbh) but i will post is eventually that is a PROMISE (for an audience of 5 people). also before we go any further my utena blog is @saionjeans and we have fun there. also, i have some utena/atla crossover art here and here, so check that out if you haven't already. the rest of this post will be scattered thoughts because my nanami-sokka essay will be doing a lot of the in-depth analytical work and i don't need to rehash that all now. but also, because i have never not once in my life heard of brevity, i did write a bunch of mini essays anyway, because of course i did.

korrasami and utenanthy: love and abuse

i compared utenanthy to korrasami a couple times, most notably in this post where i talk about how meaningful their relationship is despite being (arguably) underdeveloped, and then in the tags i still have to acknowledge that utena and anthy nonetheless did it better 17 years prior. but i do think that there is so much to be said for utena-korra and anthy-asami as two young women who are both set up to be "special" but in a way that denies and restricts them from their own humanity, cloistering them away from the outside world and making them more vulnerable to abuse. i talked pretty recently about how asami's abuse is really shrugged under the carpet in a way that pisses me off if i think about it for too long. rgu does such an incredible job of gradually exposing that abuse and its effects on society, not as a deviation from the norm (of the nuclear family, of the romance, of the school, etc.) but in fact a common symptom of it. lok does not critique the nuclear family in any meaningful way despite setting up so many different areas through which such a critique could be facilitated (made worse by the fact that atla sets such a fantastic precedent). but anyway, enough about lok (and how she disappoints me).

2. miki & kozue and katara & sokka: siblings and memory

in my sokka-nanami essay i talk about how various characters can be read to embody various analogues, but how my focus in that essay is primarily to draw a parallel between sokka and nanami by using the framework for gender/patriarchal logic rgu establishes. however, i also talk about how azula can be read as a nanami (or even an anthy) figure, as well as how katara and sokka can be read as miki and kozue (katara = miki and sokka = kozue, obviously) (and note that kozue and nanami are significant foils/mirrors too). i mean, they even have a similar light blue (to signify naïveté, innocence, childlike wonder) versus dark blue (to signify cynicism, jadedness, resigned subsumption into harmful norms) color scheme going on. the Special sibling and the afterthought. (although before going forward i do want to be clear that i am in no way alluding to any incestuous undertones wrt katara and sokka, and i would even argue that the allusions to incestuous desire between miki and kozue are more complex and nuanced than simply reducing it to mere perversion. but that's beyond the scope of this ask lol)

i know that some people might bristle at my comparing katara to miki (baby misogynist, little freak) but miki really exemplifies the trope of the "sunlit garden" in the same way that katara exemplifies that trope in atla. miki isn't the narrator of course (akio is), but the central motif of desire staked to an illusory formative memory since lost that defines a character's motivations and self-becoming is first properly introduced (not including the utena meeting dios intro) and defined through his obsession. in the same way, we are introduced to the world of atla through katara's formative memories, her desire that motivates her self-becoming also being an illusory formative memory, as well as a tale she longs to replicate ("the four nations living together in harmony"). katara, like miki, is defined by her naïveté and childlike innocence, her somewhat reductive desire to be noble and heroic, and her need to flatten everything into a clear-cut narrative wherein she is always its heroine. like miki, she resents her sibling for being transformed into a more cynical version of themselves in accordance with society's pressures (in kozue's case, it's the inescapability of patriarchy, whereas in sokka's case, it's... a lot of things), and longs for a time when they were "truly happy" and playing together (playing piano, playing in the snow, you get it).

both kozue and sokka heavily subscribe to patriarchal logic and comport and reduce themselves in accordance with the dictums of a world they consider truly inescapable. kozue seeks power within her limited frame, whereas sokka only seeks power insofar as it allows him to assume his very narrow role of protector, but they both assume those limitations to be ontological and fixed in a way that does not allow them to see past it. however, the lack of empathy both miki and katara refuse to attempt in understanding their worldviews, in no way making an effort to broach that misunderstanding instead of simply letting the chasm between them fester, nonetheless implicates them equally. after all, they too both adhere to their own limited worldviews, only in their worldviews they are fundamentally special and thus beyond reproach. sokka and kozue are both integral aspects of katara and miki's sunlit gardens, and their idealized return to a picturesque nostalgia involves a transformation (or regression) of sokka and kozue into their more innocent former selves. and sokka and kozue are in turn obsessed with katara and miki, the central figure around which their identity and actions revolve.

through this framework, aang thus becomes katara's anthy (aangthy, hehe), as the embodiment of katara's hopeful/nostalgic ideal of heroism, companionship, and the idealized promise of a distant irretrievable past. like anthy with kozue, aang "replaces" katara's longing for the softer, more innocent version of her brother with aang's friendship. like miki with anthy, katara possesses romantic feelings for aang despite his functioning as a replacement for sokka before he became a shell of his former self (or kozue before she became... sexually active). this is because katara, like miki, idealizes the patriarchal narratives that dictate that all significant relationships be either romantic or familial (or both). she wholeheartedly subscribes to this notion, hence why she attempts to subsume everyone who can meaningfully fit into her narrative framework as either a lover (aang, haru, jet, zuko for all of 2 seconds) or a pseudo family member (aunt wu, hama, pakku, toph, etc etc.), replicating those dynamics as many times as she needs to to make them fit within her two dimensional tapestry. and crucially, coming face to face with yon rha subverts that, because she recognizes the messy humanity spilling forth from the neat boxes she puts people in, and must thus contend with her own role in her narrative. of course miki, being a side character and not the narrator, certainly not the hero, does not get this luxury. and he must find a way to grow up anyway.

3. akio and ozai: patriarchy

there's something truly incredible about how both akio and ozai manage to inflict psychological harm upon every single character in their respective shows, even if they never interact with those characters directly. their reach is vast and spindly; it cannot be overestimated. and yet, ozai has only reigned for about six years. akio is only acting chairman of ohtori academy. they are not patriarchy itself, but merely its signifier. and obviously their modes of embodying patriarchy differ in many respects: a school is not a nation (despite the similarities), and a father is not a brother (despite akio being father-like). ozai is defeated by by being stripped of his technology of violence, whereas akio is not "defeated" in a literal sense (although i suppose anthy driving a car through his ghost and exploding him into a cloud of roses does make quite the statement), anthy merely leaves. and yet, in both instances, they are both forced to succumb to their own limited ideology regarding what constitutes power. if ozai lacks firepower, he lacks control over his subjects and the right to sovereignty. if akio's control is challenged, if people realize that they can just leave, that the ends of his world are entirely arbitrary, he no longer has the power to abuse and exploit and use others for his own ends.

the metonymic signification of patriarchy figured through both ozai and akio in dual ways further emphasizes their respective roles. ozai is both king and father, akio is both (acting) chairman and (acting) father. patriarchy dictates every aspect of [a patriarchal] society: from interpersonal dynamics to the nuclear family to the school to the state to the world. what makes both akio and ozai so brilliant in this regard is the fact that their influence is reflected in all these facets. ozai abuses every member of his family individually; controls them as a system; inflicts his (family's) propaganda onto the fn education system, rewriting history with (almost) no one to disprove him; inflicts his imperialist agenda both within the fire nation (ruining local economies through industrialization, forcing citizens to conform to restrictive roles, inflicting violence through occupation) and beyond it; he refers to the world as "my world," as if he is its creator, its owner, or its god. and in many ways, he is. akio similarly abuses everyone interpersonally (most notably anthy, touga, and utena); subsumes utena into his nuclear family system so that she cannot leave; uses the academy as a site of control in which adolescents are forced to comply with socially codified norms and thus made more vulnerable to the influence of adult authority figures (especially those who emphasize their individuality or inherent specialness when compared with the rest of the student body); operates ohtori as a sort of nation wherein patriotism is reified through the use of uniforms, affiliations, sociopolitical hierarchies, and an acting government (the student council); and defines himself as the creator/owner/god of his world. to be end of the world. to embody not an apocalypse, but a cage.

ozai and akio both fashion themselves the entire world, but it also makes them more vulnerable to resistance, to any mode of critique that points out the obvious: no, you're just one person, and the logic you use to dominate others is deeply, noticeably flawed. it's a logic that they exploit but that in turns exploits them, as they have so deeply internalized it that they can no longer immunize themselves against any kind of resistance. ozai claims that there is no room for an air nomad in his world, which is why aang defeating ozai through the pacifist values of his people and not through his greater power (which would nonetheless be subscribing to ozai's logic, and thus letting him win ideologically if not physically) is so crucial in shattering ozai's paradigm. just as utena, as someone who refuses to conform to the strict, arbitrary, and violently enforced norms of patriarchy, can so thoroughly disrupt akio's control by resisting him. just as anthy can by leaving. akio remains in his cozy little coffin, exerting meaningless control to uphold the hollow puppet of his ego.

people sometimes joke about how long it takes for zuko to recognize that the burning off of half his face was "cruel" and "wrong," but it's not that zuko didn't find it painful, it's not that zuko didn't fear his father, it's not that zuko idolized his father beyond reproach. he questioned his cruelty, in fact he did so constantly. he simply saw no other way to live. he had no conception of a world beyond ozai's defined limits, had no choice but to believe ozai's dogma and loathe himself for not sufficiently adhering to it. similarly, people often ask "if anthy could leave all along, then why didn't she?" because she, too, was trapped in a coffin of her own self-loathing. to leave an abuser is not as simple as simply stepping beyond the threshold and never looking back. first, you must locate the threshold. then, you must find the courage to look beyond it. i briefly touched on azula being an anthy figure before. well, i think that she is. just because she has yet to see beyond the threshold does not mean she does not find her limits. and yes, its not triumphant, and yes, her facade that masks her pain and fear is shattered, but ultimately, that breakdown is a good thing for her. because that's her first step to freedom.

4. the sunlit garden as mythmaking events

i talk previously in this post about the motif of "the sunlit garden" in rgu vs what i like to call "a mythmaking event" in atla, and i do want to elaborate on that slightly. i provided a link to a post on my utena blog going into what the sunlit garden "is" for each principal character, and atla has a similar mode of communicating these nostalgic desires and idealizations that motivate self-becoming, largely through flashbacks. for aang, it is quite obvious, as his memories of a before and after are (temporally, although not psychologically) fragmented by an entire century. that disconnect severs the two versions of himself quite neatly. those memories with gyatso and the other air nomads (as well as with child bumi, and with the mysterious kuzon) are his idealized past, his "sunlit garden," whereas the storm is his mythmaking event, the point in his life where his choices collide with his telos. there is no going back.

katara and sokka have a similar sunlit garden, their snowball fight being the last truly happy memory they have before the black snow falls and their childhood innocence is severed from them forever. kya's sacrifice and murder is katara's mythmaking event as she then chooses to assume the mantle of her mother who took her place, decides to become the greatest waterbender possible to compensate for surviving the genocide, and chooses to be a hero so that the collective memory and sacrifices of her people will not be in vain. like utena, she witnesses pain and suffering at a very young aged and is moved to become a hero so as to mitigate that suffering, even if her own formative tragedy can never be rectified. also like utena, she idealizes a seemingly utopian past wherein violence was more covert and thus presented itself as more ideal (the time of princes vs the time of harmony). her naïveté and persistent idealism are both her downfall and her greatest virtue. she refuses to accept the true state of the world to the point of blindness, but it is also that refusal to accept it that allows her to force the world into a kinder shape.

as for sokka, his mother's death was also a formative trauma, but his true mythmaking event is when hakoda leaves for war with all the other men of his tribe. hakoda tells him that "being a man is knowing where you're needed the most, and right now, that's here, protecting your sister." it's not a rose crest ring, but it may as well be. from that moment onward, sokka officially comports his identity into being his sister's protector, which is how he thus defines his manhood. and of course, being his sister's protector means being a martyr, because the precedent for "protecting katara" that has already been established is, well, dying for her. like aang being the avatar and the last airbender and katara being the last southern waterbender, sokka is thus defined by his necessity (ie, usefulness to others) as well as his isolation – not only the "last warrior/man" of the swt, but also via his own process of depersonalization and self-dehumanization as he attempts to fully embody his role as an eventual martyr.

zuko's mythmaking event is, of course, branded onto his face. in fact, zuko essentially assumes both katara and sokka's mythmaking events by first being irrevocably altered by his mother's sacrifice, and then being all the more transformed by his father's decree as he attempts to dictate what kind of man zuko needs to be. his "sunlit garden" is also shown to us in flashes: memories of a (literal!) sunlit garden, of turtleducks, of his mother's gentle guidance, of happier times on ember island, on his father's hand resting on his shoulder with pride instead of malice. it is unclear just how truthful these nostalgic memories are. obviously, his family was never actually happy. ozai had always been exerting control over them, even if his violence was once more obscured. we never see azula's sunlit garden, for instance (although i'd argue that she and zuko possess the same mythmaking events), and i cannot help but wonder whether it's because, like touga, she never actually had one.

finally, some honorable mentions must go to the following: toph, whose sunlit garden is also her mythmaking event, as she learns from badgermoles how to hone her gift and reject the rigid societal impositions that seek to limit, repress, and control her. hama, who never attempts to return to her sunlit garden in the swt with kanna, despite her freedom as established in her mythmaking event of teaching herself to bloodbend; she knows that she is irrevocably altered, and thus she can never go home again. appa, whose sunlit garden, of playing with the other bison at the southern air temple, occurs in conjunction with his mythmaking event of meeting aang and becoming the avatar's animal companion.

all of these events are depicted through flashbacks wherein the consecutive shots between flashback and present day mirror the character who is having the memory in the past and present, overlaying their younger face onto their current face with identical framing. i'm too lazy to compile a bunch of screenshots here, and i couldn't find the post i'd seen previously that had done so, but if you're as familiar with atla as i am, then you already know exactly what i'm talking about. this device is so effective particularly because it exercises restraint. every flashback in atla is crucial because it signifies either a sunlit garden or a mythmaking event that motivates the character its focalizing in the present day. atla is economical with its flashbacks, but not withholding. like with rgu, flashbacks in atla are used with a specificity of purpose, and illustrate their points in clear, precise ways. just because atla is not as overtly metatextual with its central themes of narrativization, nostalgia, idealization, bias, and storytelling, does not mean it is not present, and in fact, overt. ranging from katara's role as narrator to the fire nation propaganda aang attempts to correct in school, the use of memory and illusion is crucial in illustrating how atla functions as a narrative about heroism, legacy, and challenging dominant myths through preserving cultural memory under an imperialist regime.

5. final thoughts

obviously, i could go on forever. there is simply no limit to my ability to unpack and dissect these two shows (hence, my sideblogs dedicated to doing so). i haven't even talked about zuko as an analogue to saionji with regard to their latent homosexuality, misogyny, violence, and struggle to conform to a patriarchal ideal. and i barely touch on katara as an analogue to utena with regard to their naïveté, heroism, myopia, persistence, and somewhat misguided desire for justice (through her terms specifically), although like kozue and nanami as mirrors wrt sokka, her traits that i describe when comparing her to miki also map onto utena in many ways – except of course, utena, unlike miki, is also the "hero," and thus has the same destabilizing revelation regarding the banality of evil that katara undergoes in "the southern raiders." moreover, i only discuss one central motif in utena, because i think the sunlit garden is the trope that maps best onto the thematic work atla is doing, but i'm sure that there are many more frameworks i could compare. and yet, i only have so much time, and only so much space in which to ramble. so hopefully, for now, this suffices. however, if there any specific areas in which you would like me to elaborate, you know that i shall always be happy to do so.

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kochi999 · 1 month

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I always draw only Arcade porn, but today I really thought about "why I like Arcade" and drew it seriously.

Below is the monstrosity I drew on pixiv. I haven't scrutinized the document after the English translation, so it's probably weird.

　My shit-decker feelings (mainly inferiority complex) for Dr. Arcade have finally calmed down after about 10 months of falling for him, so here's one thing I'd like to summarize (give birth to) why I can't help but have such a fussy heart for this guy. I guess the screen turns red when I put my feelings into it. I know it's not popular to capture long sentences nowadays, but it's the last time I'm drawing, so forgive me, I don't have anywhere else to put it.

　I've tried to put all the elements of why I like this guy so much into this one picture, but the part that people who don't know me won't get from the picture and the part that made me fall for that point in the first place is that this guy is officially gay. The other deciding factor that drove me crazy was the fact that there is an ending where he commits suicide by circumcision for the sake of his own pride.

　This guy, who had been running away from the secret of his origins, who was worried and lost, who couldn't tell anyone about the secret of his life, who couldn't make up his mind in that ephemeral world, who had been moping and sulking until he was 35 years old, makes a decision based on the words of a random courier (the main character) and chooses to live while helping others with his special skills, He can either choose to live for his father's redemption, or he can choose neither and be enslaved until he commits suicide. How can you come up with such a setting? The game is so full of elements that mess with our emotions that I can't help but project myself onto the brain-destroyed (physical) courier and the brain-destroyed (metaphorical) me.

↓I can't help but project myself onto him. 　Why is Arcades set up as gay? It's just a setting that has nothing to do with the story. It is really a mystery. Why did they set him up that way? Is it because he doesn't know his father's face and is a fatherfucker? It's a wise decision. Thanks to you, a lot of nerdy women have been swamped. The fact that a man of such a serious character and nature was naturally homosex active drives me crazy again. There is also the mysterious statement that he had a few boyfriends in the past, but that doesn't play into the main story at all. Are you saying that I couldn't even confide my origins to my boyfriends? I wouldn't mind having a boyfriend who confided in a past man about his origins…and then they finally broke up because they couldn't share their life together, but he never revealed the secret of his origins to anyone…that would be fine. I'm a big fan.

　Please, give me an Arcadian ex-career selection setting. What kind of guy she was dating and at what age, and if possible, her favorite position, etc. No, that's too much to ask. I'll have dinner with that. I'm ready to eat. I'll cook a pot of rice for now. Give me that. Give me a piece of Arcadian life. I don't care if it's too late. Give it to me. Hey. If, at the height of the drama, there are now statements like, "Actually, Nate, the fourth master, was in that movie," then why not have a leak that says, "Actually, that was Arcade's ex-boyfriend," or "Actually, that man at Navarro base is Arcade's father. Give it to me. I'm sure you have some secret settings that you can't reveal to the public anyway. Give it to me. Give it to me in a fanzine. Please. I don't care if it's a fabrication by a fan, please give me a doujinshi of Arcades' ex-boyfriend…someone please draw me a doujinshi…I'll do anything…tumbler prohibits sexually explicit pictures, so if you can, please draw me a sexually explicit picture on pixiv. I don't care if it's a cartoon. I have two new friends on pixiv recently. Thank you I love you and I won't miss you.

#arcade gannon #fnv #fallout fanart #fallout nv #fallout new vegas

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nervarts · 3 months

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I apologize for the inconsistent posting, I haven't been able to do much art wise. But since I'm here, I've been meaning to introduce a character I haven't drawn since 2019. :o

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Jovana (she doesn't have a last name). She comes from a roleplay I have with a friend from Discord since 2018. She's a knight and the new leader of the Royal Guard of Felorion, the country where the story takes place. She's the female protagonist; the male protagonist is a crown prince named Isaac, whose father was murdered by his elder, illegitimate brother in a coup. She serves that brother, King Edric.

Here's a bio (It's going to be a long read):

Age: 20.

Personality: On first impression, Jovana is an exemplary figure among the ranks. She is courteous, fearless, disciplined, and above all: loyal to the king— despite his dubious actions. Down to Earth and surprisingly inquisitive. In contrast to her cold exterior, she is calm and reserved. Supposedly concealing a rare, gentler side to her persona.

Abilities: Proficient in sword-fighting; she carries a broadsword with her most of the time. However, she can also wield spears and without armor, can engage on hand-to-hand combat. She is notably strong.

Weaknesses/Negative traits: Can be killed as any other mortal: through stabs, deeps cuts and severe blunt force trauma. She is secretive and can be ruthless, especially towards enemies of the king. Jovana has acrophobia, though she loathes admitting it.

Backstory: Much of Jovana's history is a mystery among her comrades. Her reactions are rather unpleasant when they attempt to delve into her personal life. However, when she arrived to the country, she could barely speak the native language. Based from her accent and race, many speculated Jovana came from Va’sha, a region located hundreds of leagues away oversea. A nation undergoing through grim times. Theories varied from the search for a greater life to a more unpleasant reason as to why she moved. To the point of believing “Jovana” was her pseudonym. The one who seemed to know the truth was the first person who took her under their wing: Edric.

Jovana has been under his care a day after she arrived to Felorion. The day he claimed the throne through a coup, Jovana was dubbed as his personal guard. While suspicions arose to their relationship, she was mostly favored because of her fighting skills. Ever since the overthrow, Jovana was devoted to the new king. Killing every last member of the previous lineage if necessary.

-->Also, just to be sure: no, this is not Griffith and no, I didn't reference Griffith. I have never seen or read Berserk and I don't intend to (not because the story is bad, but due to the fact that I can't tolerate gore among other things). Just because a character happens to be a curly-haired knight doesn't mean I am ripping off Griffith. Please spare me the BS. This is not to be mean, it's just this happened a lot on Instagram and it's one of the reasons why I stopped drawing Jovana. But lately, she's been on my mind a lot and I had to draw her again.

#just a disclaimer on the last part #traditional art #original character #artist on tumblr #nervs ocs #drawing #my art #original art #oc #oc art #artwork #sketchbook #knight #pencil drawing

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fanartka · 12 days

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Hi guys, I've been gone for a long time, I went on vacation to another country, and so it turned out that there was a lot of work before and after, so I was a little exhausted. But now I have inspiration and the opportunity to draw more digital arts, and I just completely fell in love with a new fandom, and since I am going to flood the page not only with Marvel screenshots, but also with screenshots and drawings of this fandom, you should better watch Arcane, because it's the best thing I've seen lately (except for one beautiful person), and I really, really don't want to spoil such a wonderful series for you if you haven't seen it yet. (Please watch this)

#stephen strange #doctor strange #doctor stephen strange #benedict cumberbatch #marvel #ai art #ai doctor strange

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megumi-fm · 3 months

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18 day habit tracker

since the year started, days are passing by and sure I'm doing alright and getting stuff done but lately it just. feels like I'm whiling away a lot of my time which which I could spend learning or doing a lot of things that I've kept shelved for years. I want to make better use of my days and I want to understand how to kind of... develop the intrinsic motivation to improve my productivity. additionally, I also need to do things to take better care of my help given the harsh weather and my ankle (im)mobility.

so I've decided to spend the next 18days trying to be more conscious of how I'm spending my time and also trying to push myself little by little. in this eighteen days I want to figure out what my limits are (vs what I think my limits are) and I also want to understand how to stay consistent and maintain the momentum I need to keep going. eighteen seems like a small enough number to start with; from some surface web scouring it seems like 18days is the minimum number of time it takes to develop a habit. and coincidentally enough it's my birthday in exactly 18days so it seems like a good place to start

to track

🥛 water intake ⏰ hours of sleep +sleep and wake times 📵 phone usage 🍉 fruit intake +the kind of food I'm eating in gen 📖 reading

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personal goals

🧮 relearning math my relationship with mathematics has been quite messy since junior college and it has only worsened through the past four years of engineering(with the introduction of multivariate calculus and Laplace transforms and whatnot)... it feels kind of late and embarrassing to start now but I really want to understand math better and enjoy doing it and now is a good time to face my fear/discomfort and start over at the very basics. I'm gonna start with precalculus and linear algebra

💃 dancing I used to dance all the time as a kid and then... i don't know what happened... as a lover of kpop choreographies it's heartbreaking to realize I haven't learnt nearly as many dances as I'd have liked to. The year started off pretty strong but then my ankle got in the way and... yeah... I want to get back into dancing both as a means to improve my mobility and as a means of exercise, and also because I enjoy dancing in gen... and four to five days seems like good enough time to learn a single dance so i hope to learn the choreography of atleast 3-4 dances in these 18days

✏ art I have wanted to learn drawing for years now but for some reason I just never seem to get around to it (the 'some reason' being my impatience and inability to accept that I'm actually a beginner) but yknow what. if I'm anyway going to feel bad about how poor I am at drawing, I might as well do it while drawing poorly instead of trying to avoid it. I've decided to use this youtube playlist as my starting point

🍳 cooking for someone who is planning to live abroad and live alone I can't cook to save my life, but putting that aside, the main reason I want to cook is that a lot of my favourite regional cuisine is centered towards dishes for the winter and I want to learn to make tasty + nutritional food suitable for this summer heat without resorting to consuming excessively sugared juices and soda in copious amounts

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yeah. day1 starts today. I hope it works out. my weekly tracker and my work tracker will also be updated in parallel

#18dayht #studyspo #megumi.fm #studyblr #study motivation

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thehopelessexception · 3 months

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how can a person know everything at 18 but nothing at 22 (almost 24)

warning: im writing this while im on my period and eating ice cream.

i've been dissociating for what now? half a year maybe more. i dont recognize reality. i feel im floating in this sea we call society and i've been feeling the wilson of the story here. i assume everything that's happening around me is real, ofc. but that doesnt make it any less a convenient arrangement i build for myself to try to act like a real person and not freak out. i am feeling out of reality. like the part of the game where you let the sim on auto-mode. i am the sim on auto-mode. and i don't know how to stop this stage of oblivion.

to make a vague introduction, the thing with me is that im a living paradox of a full time contradiction. i am flamboyant but i hate being perceived. i like to speak up for myself but i hate people thinking about me because of it. i have my own process of how i understand things. i trust logic and i question everything. im quite skeptical over things when there's no empirical evidence. i seek for knowledge. critical thinking, data analysis and the whole stuff. i know myself. i sometimes look like i am too obnoxious, frivolous, morally corrupted (people have told me that), when i obsess over something —because i sometimes treat people like they are stupid (not my intention really)—; but probably the only thing im completely sure of is myself. i tend to be a confident person, to have an ego, to not let the guard down, to calculate every single move. and lately i am noticing myself being impulsive, insecure, nervous, weird, saying stupid shit, nonsenses, feeling small. and i don't know how to make it stop. the thing is i put my whole self-esteem backed up by my intelligence, however im not sure of anything anymore. i don't know if the reason behind not recognising myself lately is the fact i have somehow a new crush —or a new hyperfixation for that matter— or just the natural act of growing, also known as the quarter life crisis.

i have this thing where i hyperfix on random stuff, i've been like this my whole life. one of my friends even made a powerpoint of all the things i've been obsessed with over the years. and the issue here is that this things never last that much, or maybe they do? i actually never though about it. the most random ones i remember are probably me buying ice-cream cakes of this specific brand every week for two months. i also got obsessed with eating too many scrambled eggs all day every day for a very long time. then it was that turkish telenovela on an airing channel. then ofc succession, and it grew into watching every single movie kieran culkin was part of. the world cup. mbti —im intj by the way—. red white and royal blue (i watched it five times in a day), then nicholas galitzine —did yk he has a lineage that comes all the way from the romanovs?— and his entire filmography. and also politics, i got way into politics; election campaigns, follow up candidates, history, economy, the law, etc (my candidate lost tho) (we're succumbing to disgrace) (like literally we collectively, as a country, haven't had any kind of good news since then) (please help me). and etc etc. but the thing is, i also hyperfix on random people, or not so random i guess. it doesnt happen very often tho, im quite picky, but the procedure is this: i meet someone, they draw somehow my attention, i want to know everything about this person, i talk to this person a lot (medium to long term) (week to months), and then this person becomes my friend or i get bored and completely ignore them for the rest of my life and move on.

but this time is different, or im feeling it different. i find myself questioning everything i know and i was convinced of. i dont know if it has something to do with the fact that i met someone, probably the first person wise enough to make me question if i was ever correct about anything. maybe i am hyperfixating on this person, idealizing them. but it's truly amazing how much more data this person has about everything i know of. and right now i feel way too insecure, because even if this person told me they find me smart and they enjoy talking to me, i am always thinking that if i say something not completely fact-checked they'll think im stupid. it's absurd. it's a boohoo situation, i know. and it's a process im having about who am i, or what am i supposed to be. some months ago the whole context around my life changed or i think it changed? i dont know how to explain it, —i mean i know how but i would have to talk about other things not related to this (politics stuff, things happening in my country, etc). i'll probably will make a new post about it someday—. but the whole issue is, i dont know myself anymore. and everything is crumbling.

im afraid the person i build for myself it's a fraud. or doesnt exist anymore.

i remember myself at 18, and i was this marvellous whole person. independent, smart, focused, driven. that girl spent their whole days outside her house. did everything she wanted to. wasnt scared of anything. and i look at myself now and think how? the pandemic has a lot to do with it i guess, but when i first heard taylor saying that in nothing new i thought "that wont happen to me". guess what, i was wrong.

for my fellow girlies being 23 —in my experience— is exactly how they say it will be. the worst age of your life.

next month is my birthday and im pushing 24. and i have to say my life is a mess. but i dont know if i can call it a mess because it is truly a mess or because i am a complete drama queen. because people probably have worse problems than mine, and i am what you call a white girl, only poorer —and a third world country citizen—. the issue is, i am almost 24, almost 25. almost 27. ALMOST 30. and i did nothing with my life. absolutely nothing. my mom had me at 29 for god's sake.

and by nothing i mean everything i do is not enough to feel it worthy of a life well-lived. should i look for a job and work while studying just to say i am extremely occupied because i have somehow a life? just to feel something? even if that makes my stress situation and anxiety even worse? should i somehow save enough money so i can move from my parents house? even if for my whole generation it's close to impossible? is studying something i (kinda) like enough to not feel like shit about myself? i've never had a boyfriend, nor girlfriend. shoud i look for one? get myself one? even if i dont think any of that would make me happy? i dont think i know happiness as a state of mind, nor the concept of it.

i dont feel like i have many anecdotes to tell in my future. should i measure the life-worth by anecdotes? my friends feel the same way i do, but they have a more organized life. jobs, boyfriends, careers, plans for the future, one of my closest friends move to the other side of the world with her boyfriend (!) in the blink of an eye. but they aren't much happy nor they have many anecdotes either. and i dont have the money or the guts or the available friends to create any.

every day i understand fleabag a bit more.

my favourite anecdotes about my life are from when i was about 13 and 15 years, also known as the worst time of my life. i didnt appreciated it back then, probably none of us did. but when we were teens everything was possible and we didnt have a care on anything other than mundane stuff or rebellious stuff but nothing more than yelling at people, drinking and smoking weird shit (i never had weed tho). not a real responsibility. being careless, free, avoiding consequences that mattered. i think that girl hates me right now. and i am not sure if that's the feeling i should have or if it's just utterly pathetic.

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