#i guess i did a lot today it just feels like all i did was sit in front of the tv
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the girl next door 16
Warnings: this fic will include elements, some dark, such as age gap, manipulation, chronic illness, noncon/dubcon, coercion, and other untagged triggers. Please take this into account before proceeding. It is up to curate your online consumption safely.
Summary: A new neighbour moves in and upends your already disarrayed life.
Author’s Note: Please feel free to leave some feedback, reblog, and jump into my asks. I’m always happy to discuss with you and riff on idea. As always, you are cherished and adored! Stay safe, be kind, and treat yourself.
This lewk but silverfox
You sit in another hard plastic chair, this time in an office. You can still hear the chaos of the hospital wing out the walls, a constant reminder of why you’re there. You sit with your elbow on the armrest, your chin in your hand as you bite your fingertips.
The nurse, or nurse practitioner, you don’t know the difference, sits across from you, making notes about your last response. Her questions are pointless. She’s asking about your day, well, it’s obvious that’s not going well. And your hobbies. What do those matter? You don’t do anything so you don’t have an answer for that.
She smiles across at you as she clears her throat. The sort of smile dripping in pity. You get it a lot from the old ladies at the grocery store when they see you helping your mother.
“Have you ever had a period where you felt down? Not just for a week or two but, in fact, for many weeks and, perhaps, months?” She asks.
You don’t answer right away. You push your shoulder up and sit back, dropping your hand to your lap. You frown and look at the ceiling.
“Hm, I guess. Sometimes... yeah.”
All the time.
“Along with that, did you find you had no energy, had no interest in things, and overall had great difficulty functioning?”
Functioning? In what way? Going outside? Smiling? Feeling anything but heavy dread? Not crying until your eyes are raw? Having friends?
“Sure, but uh, I take care of my mom. I don’t have time... sometimes...I get tired.”
"Right,” she scribbles noisily with her pen, “Has this ever happened to you before?”
“Has what happened?” You make yourself look at her.
“These bouts of sadness?”
“My mom is sick. It makes me sad.”
“What about today? You said that you... lost track of time.”
“I’m... my mom... I didn’t sleep well... I don’t know.”
She hums and nods. She pauses as she reads over her folder and puts the pen down. She crosses her arms over the desk.
“It’s normal for caretakers to suffer from depression. You’re taking on a lot so there’s no need to be ashamed. You did so well being so honest today. Really. It makes it easier for us to help you,” she smiles again. What about any of this is happy? “I’m going to write you a prescription. Just a few doses for now, okay? To help you through. And we’ll schedule a follow-up with a psychiatrist.”
“A psychiatrist?” You utter, your eyes hot with tear. “I’m not crazy.”
“That’s not... crazy, we don’t speak like that. And you’re not. You’re hurting and you need relief. That’s all,” she explains, “so, the pills I’m going to send you off with. I want you to be very careful, okay? No alcohol. They’re going to make you drowsy so no driving either.”
“But... my mom doesn’t drive. She can’t.”
“It’s just for a few days. You might want to consider looking into some of the local services. You can find a home nurse to come help out if you qualify,” she gets up and goes to a cabinet against the wall, “I have some pamphlets. You can take them with you and I’ll have someone find you with some samples of the pills. That way, you don’t need to pay, alright?”
Your lips trembles and you bite it to keep it still. You nod and stand as you flick the wetness from your eyes, “can I go?”
“Sure, I’m sure your mom will be ready to see you soon,” she approaches you with a handful of glossy leaflets. “I’ll walk you out.”
You take the pamphlets and she follows you to the door. You step into the hall as she stays close, “Mr. Rogers,” she calls over your shoulder as Steve sits in the hall waiting, “she’s all good. Got her sorted.”
“Great, uh, well, good news,” he stands, rubbing his lowers back, “your mom’s awake.” He announces, “can finally get off this stiff chair.”
“See, that’s wonderful,” the nurse nudges your arm, “I’ll have the medications brought to her room. Have a good day, hon.”
You clutch the pamphlets and stare at Steve’s chest. He points you down the hall and walks beside you.
“Everything go okay? What was that she said about medication?”
“Pills.”
“Pills? For what?” He prompts as he leads you along the hallway.
“Depression.”
“Oh.”
You look down, “guess I might be. I don’t know.”
“You work really hard, sweetie. You’re not invincible,” he comforts and rubs your back. You wince at his unexpected touch, “all this stress...” he trails off and reaches for the pamphlets in your hands. You let him take one, “what’s this?”
He reads as he walks, unbothered by the nurses rushing by and the cleaners in their grey scrubs.
“Home nurse? Hm, that might be a good option,” he clucks, “or maybe... I wouldn’t mind helping out, you know? I know it’s early days but I think we’ve gotten really close.” He folds up the paper and hands it back, “me and your mom... us too, I think.”
You shrug and drag your soles on the floor. He reads the door number as you reach your mom’s room and he waves you in ahead of him. You keep your head down as you go past the curtain as he directs you from behind. You stand at the foot of the bed, too afraid to look up.
“I’m starving,” your mother snarls. She sounds like herself, just tired.
You peek up and your eyes round. She scowls at you as she lays tangled in tubes. You quiver in relief. She’s alive and she seems mostly okay.
“What’re you staring at?” She sneers, “I know I look like death. I feel like it too.”
“Holly,” Steve steps forward, “thank god.” He comes to her side, “we were so worried.”
“Heh,” she snorts.
“Really, when I found you...” he tries to block you out as he lowers his voice, “you never told me you weren’t supposed to drink.”
“Never bothered me much before,” she dismisses, “figured it was just a precaution.”
“Excuse me,” a voice comes from the doorway and you look over at a young man in blue scrubs. He says your name, “I have some samples for you.”
You turn and wave meekly, confirming your identity. He enters and hands you several boxes secured together with a thick elastic.
“Directives on the side,” he points to the folded paper also looped under the rubber band.
“Thanks,” you say and he leaves you just as quickly.
Your turn back to your mom as her eyes center on you. She looks horrible. Sickly. Worse than you’ve ever seen her.
“What’s all that then?” She scoffs.
You try to hide the boxes under your arm and shake your head.
“Typical. She’s gotta get her share of attention.”
“Holly,” Steve girds, disappointment harshening his tone, “she was sick with worry over you. The nurse gave her those to calm down.” He grips the bedrail until his knuckles pale, “she has depression, you know? All the stress--”
“Stress?” Your mom rolls her eyes, “I didn’t realise she was the sick one. She’s not depressed, she’s lazy.”
Silence. Stifling, suffocating silence. You lower your chin, “it’s... I probably won’t take any of it. I was just... in shock. I’m sure I’m fine.”
“But the nurse said--” Steve begins, “you’re going to at least try it. You never know, it could help. And if it doesn’t, it doesn’t.”
“Oh, don’t baby her. She’s grown,” your mom’s too out of it to filter her spite. You see the disgust in Steve’s expression as he looks at her.
“Holly, please, she’s your daughter.”
“I know who she is,” she snarls, “why are you taking her side anyway? She doesn’t need pills. It’s just another excuse.”
He closes his eyes and takes a breath, “I’m gonna chalk this up to whatever they’re pumping you full of. Holly, you’re not thinking straight. I know you would say all that to her.”
“Stop defending her. She’s not as innocent as she pretends.”
He shakes his head and glances over at you, “look, you just woke up, you’re out of it. I get it. Let’s just all calm down.”
“She’s a sniveling little brat,” she barks as she leans back. “This is all her fault. She knew I wasn’t supposed to drink. She didn’t stop me.”
Steve blanches and his eyes cling to you. You see the chagrin lined in his forehead. You look away in shame. You never wanted a witness to your mother’s wrath. That’s worse than facing her alone. It’s humiliating.
#series#au#marvel#mcu#drabble#captain america#the girl next door#steve rogers#dark steve rogers#dark!steve rogers#steve rogers x reader
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Just Like A Movie (Matt Sturniolo fluff)
Description: After a morning of fliming, Matt wants to enjoy fall activites with his girlfriend (reader). Inspired the song by the Wallows and Matt's love for fall time.
Word count: 1.4K
Warnings: None, just fluffy and silly Matt!
A/N: This is my first Matt writing, so sorry if it's not totally accurate! Lol I do requests! Currently anything Chris, Matt, Nick, and Colby!
----
Matt, Chris, and Nick were filming a guess 21 different halloween candies challenge. You sat on the couch behind the camera, scrolling through your phone but periodically looked up to glance at your boyfriend. Who would cheese when you did. Sometimes you'd make a silly face or comment, distracting him enough they'd have to restart part of the segment. Finally, they finish and Matt was the one closest to getting them all right. It wasn't surprising since he'd won guessing 21 different drinks.
Matt makes his way to the couch and wrapped his arms around you immediately. He nustles his head into your shoulder for a couple minutes and you run your fingertips up and down his back. Then he gives you a quick peck on the lips, mostly because Nick and Chris were still in the kitchen and they would make jokes about it.
You lick your lips and furrow your brows. "Hmm... I taste Snickers? No, Reese's?"
"(y/n)!" Matt whines lightly.
"Wait, wait, wait." You kiss his soft lips again. "It's Kitkat!"
A giggle escapes Matt and he lightly rolls his blue eyes. "Can we go do fall things, babe? Get away from those idiots over there. I've had enough of them today."
Nick flips him off as Chris fake laughs and makes a face. "So unoriginal Matt."
Now you roll your eyes. "Let's leave these losers to their lame things."
----
"I can drive if you want, babe," you suggest as you make it out the door after Matt changed his outfit to fit the vibe more. It's early afternoon now and barely a breeze to make it feel like a real fall day.
He shoots you a side smile and unclips the keys from his jean beltloop. "No, that's okay, I don't mind."
The two of you get comfortable in the front seats, starting up the recent playlist you created.
"Where to first?" you ask.
"What about... apple patch? Wait, I mean pumpkin picking... Fuck, I mean apple picking and then a pumpkin patch."
You reach out and lace your fingers with his. "I'd love to go to an apple patch and pumpkin picking. Maybe hot cocoa after?"
He nods and you put in the directions for the nearest apple picking farm. The two of you sing along. And you couldn't help pointing out people going about their daily lives. It takes up most of your conversation before you arrive at the farm.
Matt locks the car before he clips them back on the their loop and takes your hand. The apple farm was free to anyone, but they had a jar and square for donations/tips. You take out your card for them to do a $5 donation, and Matt doubles the amount.
You take a small basket and pull him over to one of the trees. Unfortunately most of the reachable ones were picked. But both of you still attempt to get one or two by running and jumping. You know you look like idiots, however you didn't care.
Matt gets a video of you as you finally acquire an apple and show it triumphantly. "That's right. No tree is a match for me! This apple is my bitch." You bite a chunk of the crispy green apple.
Matt laughs. "Babe, we're supposed to save them to make caramel apples!"
Your eyes go wide and you laugh as you chew it to a point you could speak. "Sorry, I can get another one."
He slips his phone back into his pocket as he shakes his head. "Let's try a different tree.
The second tree was a similar situation despite it just being on the brink of fall. There were a lot of early birds.
This time you get a story of Matt snagging two apples and he tries to not show how out of breath he is. "Ahh! Hah! I got some."
The two of you try two more trees and manage to get a few more.
There was a station for you to either bag them right away or make them caramel or chocolate covered before leaving. You spend far too long deciding on how many should be caramel and chocolate, and what toppings should be on them. You think of each brother and friend that'll want one. By the end, there's only one left and neither of you made one for yourselves.
"You choose," Matt says, kissing your cheek.
With creative intuition, you make it half and half, then smear all sorts of toppings on it and present it. Matt rests his hand on top of yours and takes a bite out of it.
"Mm..." he nods and runs a half through his hair, most of falling back in place. "I like what you did with the caramel and chocolate."
You take your own, attempting to lick the excess off around your mouth. "Delicious."
Your next stop was at a nearby pumpkin patch, which was also a little picked over. But there were still enough to enjoy and walk around a little bit. You pick up a few of the biggest ones you could find to get photos with.
Matt pulls you in for a selfie. His eyes squint as the sun is directly in your eyes and fumbles backwards. This causes him to run into a bundle of baby pumpkins and his butt lands on top of the stems.
"Fucking shit!" He groans as he holds onto his ass and rolls over on the ground.
You hold back a laugh and help him up. He paces back and forth a couple times.
"I'm done with the pumpkins," he sulks.
"Let's get hot cocoa to make it all better," you baby, jutting out your bottom lip.
He tries not to laugh but it didn't work.
----
You enjoy a small walk as you sip on hot cocoa, the sun starts to go down. You hold the to-go cup tightly between your palms in the hopes to warm up your hands. You forgot to bring any sort of warm layer. Once the sun is gone, it feels like fall now.
Matt shoots you a concerned look. "Are you cold, babe?"
"A little, yeah," you laugh under your breath.
"Here, wear my sweater, (y/n)."
"No, it's fine."
It's too late, he already took his jacket off and pulls the vintage sweater over his head. You take the sweater and tug it over your short sleeve tee. The warmth of the material and from him wearing it all afternoon engulfs your entire body. It sends shivers down your spine from the temperature adjustment.
Matt has his jacket back on and wraps his arms around you, rubbing his hands up and down your arms. He kisses the crook of your neck. "Better?"
"Absolutely."
The two of you reminisce on your adventures of the day. Ultimately, though, it leads back to a few of the couples around you in the park. One were unashamedly having a full on make out session underneath a tree. Another were taking cutesy photos in matching outfits.
"You'll never catch us doing that," Matt comments.
You raise your eyebrows at him. "Did you forget the matching pj pants we had for christmas last year?"
"That doesn't count," he scoffs lightly. "It was only pants. I mean, like, top, pants, accessories, the whole fit. It's just cringy."
You giggle. "Whatever you say, Matty B."
"It is! Are you saying you want to do that?" He sips on his hot cocoa. "Cause that might be a deal breaker."
"Not seriously. More in an ironic way. Like those people on tiktok doing the 80s style photoshoots at JcPenny. Now that would be fun and not cringy!"
He shook his head. "No, nope."
"Come on!" you argue. "Think about the memories we could make!"
"Absolutely not, it would be embarrasing."
You roll your eyes. "That's kind of the point, babe."
"Still," he retorts.
"Fine." You sigh lightly. "I'll just ask Chris to do it with me. He won't care."
Matt shrugs, finishing the last of his drink, and tosses it into the nearest trash can. "Okay, you two have fun with that."
"We will." You do the same with your drink.
You sense Matt's a little down now and force him into a hug. "Thanks for today, babe. You're the best."
He falls into your body more and lets out a deep breath. "Any time, (y/n)."
#matt sturniolo#chris sturniolo#sturniolo triplets#nick sturniolo#matt sturniolo x reader#fluff#matt sturniolo x you#matt sturniolo fluff#apple picking#pumpkin patch#fall things#the wallows#Spotify
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Absolution
Pairing: Obi-Wan Kenobi x Reader (afab, fem)
Category: smut, sex pollen
Summary: Obi-Wan really should have let his curiosity go and avoided that flower.
Warnings: 18+, smut (!!), sex pollen, slight dubcon (because of sex pollen but all consensual), unprotected p in v sex, master kink, slight sub!obi-wan, slight dom!reader, reader talks obi-wan through it basically, suggestions of inappropriate use of a lightsaber, virgin!obi-wan, religious guilt, hints of reader’s past feelings, reader kind of ignores some Jedi rules, kissing, multiple orgasms, overstimulation, a lot of talks of fluids I feel, slight angst I guess, let me know if I missed anything!
Word count: 4.9k
A/N: Happy May the Fourth! Happy Star Wars Day! Wrote an Obi-Wan fic last year so thought I’d keep up the tradition this year as well. It’s not the best thing I’ve ever written, certainly not the best smut, but I did end up rushing it a little to get it posted today so… sorry! This is for @lightwxlker who I told about this over lunch at uni <3 (feel free to read but please never look me in the eye again if you do). Can’t wait to see you later to see The Phantom Menace!!
Consider buying me a coffee :)
Absolution:
(Noun)
Formal release from guilt, obligation, or punishment.
Declaration that a person’s sins have been forgiven.
It felt like you'd been trekking through the dense forest for days. Really, it had only been a few hours. But with no end in sight, and Obi-Wan's continuous promise of almost there, you were convinced that the two of you had been lost for about a week.
The Jedi had told you that you were in search of a hidden community that had answers to some questions that the Council had about... something. You didn't know. You rarely paid attention when Obi-Wan explained these things. As much as you respected him, these briefings started to sound the same after a while. It was the thing he reprimanded you for most often.
"Can we-" You wheezed. "Can we stop for just a minute?"
"Soon." He called over his shoulder simply, pushing aside a leafy branch for the both of you to pass through.
You considered pushing him over, tripping him up maybe, and even just stabbing him with your lightsaber. Just to have a break for a moment. It was unclear how he managed to walk through dense forest for hours on end without even a hint of fatigue peeking through. You envied him for it.
Luckily, your prayers were answered when a clearing appeared. It was small, sheltered by the canopy of trees above you, but it was a good place to stop. You didn't even have to say the word, Obi-Wan already knew what you wanted.
"Fine, rest here for a moment." He sighed, pointing at a rock.
You collapsed quickly, thankful for the brief reprieve, and watched as the Jedi made a slow circle around the clearing. He was inspecting every little thing there was to see. If there was one thing you had in common with the man, it was your curiosity and thirst for knowledge.
"Rather fascinating." He mumbled to himself, ignoring the burning of your stare on his back as he moved, poking at a fungus of some kind with the tip of his finger.
"Be careful. It might be poisonous." You warned, stretching out your legs in front of you.
"I know my living organisms." He replied steadily, pulling up and moving on to the next one.
It was a flower. Rather large, with pinkish petals and an indigo centre extending on from a bright green stem. It looked vaguely familiar to you. You racked your brain, thinking about the botany books you'd spent your spare time reading when Obi-Wan had insisted that you should know more about the planets you were constantly visiting.
Nothing was coming to you. Maybe you hadn't seen it in one of those books. Your head tilted as you watched the Jedi stroke gently at the petals with the backs of his fingers, mumbling about how it felt soft, and something came back to you when the flower seemed to move of its own accord.
"Get back." You shot up from the rock you were previously sitting on and took a quick step towards him.
"It's fine." He insisted, not looking at you - too entranced by the flower as he continued to caress the petals. He didn't know this one. He found it intriguing.
You remembered where you'd seen the flower before. A book hidden deep in the archives, where you ventured when you knew no one was looking, part of a collection of things that the Jedi were not supposed to have interest in.
Your pace picked up as the flower curled in on itself, the fleeting look of disappoint clear on Obi-Wan's face, reaching for his shoulder to wrench him back.
"No! Obi-Wan, stop!"
But it was too late.
As you made contact with his robes to pull him away, the flower blossomed open. A bright cloud of purple pollen burst out and coated the two of you, settling itself over your skin and infiltrating your lungs, and therefore your blood stream, as you breathed it in.
You coughed, scrubbing at yourself to try and get it off. But you knew you were past that.
The Jedi turned to you, surprised to see the panic in your eyes. "It's just flower pollen, nothing a little water won't wash away."
Your voice was shaky as you spoke. "What have you done?"
He frowned and glanced back at the plant. It wasn't one he recognised, granted, but he also hadn't been warned of anything dangerous in this area. So he really wasn't concerned. "I don't understand. What's wrong?"
"It's a flos venerem." You whispered. "We need to find shelter."
As you turned around in a slow circle, trying to decide which way you were more likely to find somewhere to figure everything out, Obi-Wan watched you with a curious gaze.
"And what is a flos venerem?"
You scoffed over your shoulder at him. "Do you ever read?"
You knew it was an unfair question considering the place you'd read about the flower wasn't one he, or any other Jedi, frequented but you were angry and frightened. Angry at him for not listening to your warnings. And frightened for yourself since you knew what the flower was going to do to you.
He looked on as you closed your eyes, feeling out with the Force. "Now is not the time to insult me. Tell me."
You whirled on him. "It's an aphrodisiac. A powerful one. And if we don't find shelter soon then you're going to be doing some strange things to these trees."
Obi-Wan frowned, puzzled by what you were saying. "Is there a cure?"
You laughed humourlessly, turning away from him again. "Is there a cure? Is there a cure, he asks. Ha!"
"An antidote?"
"No, there's no antidote." You hissed.
The effects of the pollen were already weighing on you. You imagined Obi-Wan was also feeling something as well, just unaware of it. At least you knew what you were supposed to be feeling. The Jedi Knight had no idea.
Your mouth felt dry, like sand on your tongue, and your skin was hot to the touch. A dull headache was forming at the base of your skull too and you knew these sensations would only get worse if you didn't do what the flower wanted you to. There really was only one way to fix it. But you couldn't find it in yourself to tell your companion the solution. You were ignoring the heavy feeling in the base of your abdomen.
Sensing your apprehension wasn't overstated, Obi-Wan pointed back in the direction you'd come from. "There was a cave a little while ago. We can go there and you can tell me more about this... aphrodisiac flower."
You only nodded, lacking the strength to tell him that you wouldn't be able to listen to his voice out of fear of what bodily responses that would cause in you. Your existing attraction to Obi-Wan would only be increased by the influence of the plant. And you were scared what you'd do, or what you'd suggest, to ease the feelings.
You started marching in the direction the two of you had come from, jumping away from Obi-Wan as he fell into step beside you and his shoulder brushed yours.
"Keep- keep your distance for a while." You muttered, pushing away the lick of heat that had shot through you at his proximity.
He frowned back at you, feeling bad for making you so clearly uncomfortable. "My apologies."
"It's okay. I'm just-" You cut yourself off with a groan.
Obi-Wan's stomach lurched at the sound. "You're just what?"
"The flower is making it difficult to be next to you." You turned your head away from him, desperately trying to breathe in the clean forest air and nothing else. But all you could smell was him. The scent was so strong that you could practically taste him, his skin, and it was making your mouth water.
"You're already feeling the effects of the flower?" He hummed, pondering. "I feel nothing so far."
It wasn't true. But he was completely unaware of what he was feeling. He put the dry mouth and headache down to minor exhaustion, the hike through the forest finally catching up with him. And the stirring he was feeling... down below was foreign. The Jedi secretly believed that maybe he was immune to the flower's influence.
He was severely wrong.
You glanced back at him, instantly looking away when you caught his wide-eyed gaze. His eyes were so blue, so familiar.
You marched ahead of him, ignoring his quiet protests as you urgently sought out the cave. It came into sights quickly and your pace picked up, practically running towards it now. When you reached it, you discarded your top layer of robes, the heat your body was producing making it feel as if you were melting, and left your lightsaber by the entrance to the stone shelter. You feared what you may do with it when the flower's effects got even worse.
Obi-Wan followed closely behind you and watched with curious attention at your actions, slightly puzzled when you made your way towards the back of the cave and sat down facing the wall.
"Sit over there." You pointed over your shoulder to a spot far away from yourself. "I need to think."
"Trying to remember an antidote?" He asked, wondering what there possibly was to think about right now. And without his help as well.
"Sure." You sighed, closing your eyes as you took a deep breath. You weren't thinking about an antidote since you knew there wasn't one. You were considering your options. Even though you knew they were limited. Very limited.
He trusted your word however, which was mildly foolish of him, and took a seat where you'd instructed him to do so. He kept his gaze on you, fixated on the back of your head, as he observed your breathing pick up and then slow back down several times of the course of a few minutes.
What Obi-Wan failed to notice was how his breathing was in tune with yours, increasing when yours did and lowering when yours did.
It didn't escape him though when the flower's influence started to manipulate his body even more. The dry mouth, dull headache, rapid heartbeat, and hardened dick were becoming increasingly difficult to ignore. And Obi-Wan couldn't stay in denial for much longer.
So he called out your name.
Big mistake.
You jumped at the sound, having to bite your tongue to prevent noise slipping from your lips, and glanced at him over your shoulder."Yes?"
"I believe the flower is finally setting in." He decided that was the best way to put it and not that the sight of you was making him think things he hadn't even considered since he was a lot younger.
You looked at him silently for a second too long, eyes flicking downwards before moving back up to meet his again. "Meaning?"
His brows creased for a moment. "You know."
You did. So you turned back towards the wall and stared at it. "I'm thinking really hard about it, okay? I'll work something out."
Lies.
Time progressed slowly, moving at a sluggish pace that had you wanting to claw your way out of the cave in temporary insanity, and you could hear Obi-Wan's condition growing steadily worse by the minute.
You were finding it a lot easier than him to control yourself, probably due to your more extensive knowledge on the subject of simple carnal pleasure. But Obi-Wan was losing it.
You kept your eyes focused on the stone in front of you, desperately trying to ignore the sounds that Obi-Wan was making behind you. The breathless whimpers that were leaving his mouth were heavenly to your ears, creating a pulse that shook through your body regularly. Despite the sounds making you feel good, it was getting harder and harder to stop yourself from giving in and crawling over to him. Especially since you could hear him tearing off at least one layer of his clothing.
"Obi-Wan, please be quiet." You whispered, just loud enough for him to hear.
To the Jedi your voice sounded husky, tempting almost. "I cannot help it. Please help me."
His voice was desperate, almost whiny, as he begged you for some sort of assistance. If only he knew what that assistance was.
You squeezed your eyes closed, resting your face in your hands. "I'm trying."
It was a lie. You knew that nothing could be done. The passage from the book you'd read about the flower had been very clear. Death was inevitable. Unless you engaged with someone... intimately.
It was the only method that would get your bodily reactions to calm down. If not, the next few days would be painful for the both of you. You'd be extremely aroused the whole time, heart racing at a million beats per minute, sweat would pour out of you and cause severe dehydration that would be impossible to remedy, and finally your body would give up from the sheer exhaustion of trying to handle it all. Then, you'd drop dead.
Just how exactly were you supposed to voice that to Obi-Wan, the man who'd boasted about his ability to follow the Order's rules for years, that the only way for the both of you to survive this was to sleep together? And how were you supposed to recover from possibly finally having the man you'd wanted for so long for just one night and then never again?
"I can sense that you're keeping something from me."
Your head snapped up at his statement. He was correct, sure, but you hadn't expected him to pick up on it in his state.
So you turned around to look at him, legs crossed in front of you and back against the wall to keep yourself as far from him as possible.
"There is one solution that I know of." You confessed, still thinking of a way to tell him.
"Just tell me. I know it's troubling you. It's okay." Obi-Wan's tone was soft and comforting.
You took a deep breath in. "You won't like it."
"Do we have a choice?"
You let the breath out again. "Death."
He released a tired and humourless chuckle. "I can assure you that I'll prefer whatever solution you have to death. So tell me."
You debated what words would spook the Jedi less. Were you clinical and informative? Or soft and subtle? The sweat dripping from his temple, begging to be licked away by the tip of your tongue, was telling you to be harsh and raw with him.
Your gaze fixed on his mouth. "We have to have sex, Obi-Wan. Multiple times probably." The last part was added on for emphasis, meant to draw a reaction out of him.
He gave it to you. His already flushed cheeks reddened some more, eyes darting away from yours momentarily. It's not that the antidote was unexpected, he figured that it would lead somewhere like this considering the two of you had been contaminated by an aphrodisiac, but he thought maybe that there would be another solution. Or that you'd at least beat around the bush a little more.
Obi-Wan didn't know how to tell you that he'd never done something like that before so wouldn't even know where to start.
Little did he know that you were already well aware of that fact.
"I'll guide you through it." You paused. "But once we get started I don't think you'll need much guidance. The effects of the pollen will probably lead you."
His eyes snapped back to you, a frown pinching between them. "And what do you know of it?"
"Obi-Wan..." You mumbled, tilting your head down slightly to give him a meaningful look.
He didn't look thrilled at the notion.
You scoffed, annoyance bubbling at his obvious judgement. "We all have a past."
He knew what you meant. Sure, everyone had a past. He just didn't realise you had that sort of past. Still, he realised he had no place to pass judgement against you.
Heat pulsed between your thighs at the sudden wide-eyed apologetic look he was giving you. A groan rumbled in your chest and you squeezed your eyes shut.
"I see that this is hard for you." He whispered and you attempted to hold back a laugh thinking that this probably wasn't the only thing that was hard. "So, how about you come over here and... show me what we have to do."
You looked back at him, surprised by the boldness he was showing. Yes, he wasn't a shy man by any means but you thought he'd have been a bit less confident in this situation. Or maybe the whole thing would just be so meaningless to him that he thought it'd be easy.
Obi-Wan could feel random muscles in his body clenching as you stared at him. He'd never felt like this before. He'd always known that you were beautiful, it was impossible to ignore, but he'd never thought much else of it. But now? He couldn't do anything else apart from think about it.
You slowly pushed yourself up from your seated position and fell onto your hands and knees, too tense to stand up, and made your way towards him steadily. He was surprised to find himself practically buzzing at the sight of you crawling towards him, a ravenous look on your face. You stopped about a foot in front of him, looking up into his eyes through your eyelashes.
A hand reached out for you.
You took it.
With his help, you settled yourself over Obi-Wan's lap, a leg either side of his thighs so you straddled him. You didn't let your weight rest on him just yet, wanting to check in quickly to make sure he was okay. It was taking everything in your power not to start touching him all over despite your overactive brain basically screaming at you to do so.
His eyes moved rapidly, taking you in as he searched across your body. A hand landed on either of your hips, encouraging you to move closer to him. So you did, chest pushing slightly against his and weight pressing into his lap as you sat down. The both of you let out a sigh at the contact, pain eased for just a few moments.
It was then that you noticed you'd sat on something extremely hard.
"Is that a lightsaber in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" You chuckled, about to reach down to remove the weapon from the inside of his robes.
But Obi-Wan's eyes flickered over your shoulder to somewhere behind you. Slowly, you turned to see what he was looking out, a small pinch between your eyebrows, and saw where you'd discarded your own lightsaber earlier. What you were surprised to find was his lightsaber resting up against a rock beside yours.
"Oh." You croaked and looked back at him, eyes shooting to his crotch for a brief moment. "You are just happy to see me."
"The flower." He grumbled lowly.
Your heart fell momentarily, your face along with it, before you recovered and looked downwards towards his chest. "Right, of course."
Realising he'd made a fatal mistake, Obi-Wan placed a finger under your chin and tilted your head up to make eye contact again. "A combined effect of the flower and... you."
Your mouth dropped open for a second, dazed by his statement, before a smile blossomed along your face. "There was one thing I forgot to mention."
"And what was that?" His eyes were fixed on your mouth now.
"The flower's effects are stronger and fast acting if you are already attracted to the person you're with at the time of exposure." You leaned towards him closer, the tips of your noses brushing against each other. "I expected to feel the influence at least an hour or two before you did, Master."
A soft sound, somewhere between a moan and a whine, escaped his lips at the use of the title. It surprised you, you hadn't thought he'd be into that kind of thing. You didn't give him a chance to give you a real response though, the noise he'd just made finally pushing you over the edge.
You cupped his face in your hands and kissed him, thumbs swiping over his cheeks to wipe the purple pollen away. He let out another sound at that, this one more shocked, but equally as unrestrained. Your mouth opened just in time to catch it and swallow it against your own moan at finally feeling his lips melding with yours.
Usually, in the past, you’d have some sense of patience in this situation. But it’s like the feeling of his skin under your palms and his lips against yours, your tongue in his mouth, sent the pollen vibrating in your bloodstream. And before you knew it, your hands were tearing at his clothes, absolutely desperate to get them off.
And while Obi-Wan was a little more hesitant than you, inexperience slowing him down, once he felt how eager you were he could only join in on the action. His hands were soft, almost silky, like they hadn’t ever seen a day of hard labour in his life, and they sent warm bursts of electricity through you as they slid against your skin.
All barriers between you were removed in less than a minute, although time seemed to be flying now that you’d actually gotten beyond just staring at each other and ignoring all feelings your body had been screaming at you to address.
“Do you know what comes next, Master?” You questioned, wondering how out of practice he really was.
Obi-Wan seemed to pause, taking a long thought, before saying anything. “I’ve never done this before.”
“I know.” You said and he seemed both embarrassed and surprised. “That’s not what I was asking. Do you know what happens?”
“I’ve heard things.” He admitted slowly.
Up until this point you’d been trying to avoid looking down at his naked body. Sure, the two of you had been pretty enthusiastic in taking the other’s clothes off but neither of you had verbally stated what you were comfortable with actually doing. That didn’t mean you couldn’t feel every inch of him pressing against you though. Somehow in the tumble of robe removal, you’d slid forward on his lap which had caused your torsos to connect. And you hadn’t bothered to move back again.
You searched his face for any sign of discomfort, finding none. “Can I touch you?”
He sputtered. “You already are.”
“No-“ You took a deep breath. “Can I touch you… down there?”
You were hesitant to say certain words to him, cringing at just the thought of them coming out of your mouth and entering his ears. You shouldn’t be shy about this, having done this countless times before. But now you were doing it with Obi-Wan, someone you admired with the deepest affection, it felt different. A good different but different nonetheless.
“Oh.” The flush he’d been sporting across his face stretched to meet the tip of his ears and you reached up to tuck some hair back away from them. “Yes, you can.”
You could see that the lust the flower caused had taken over all rational thought as his irises, usually so blue and bright, had been consumed by his pupils dilating. Was this a good idea, you silently wondered? Did he truly want this? Or was the flos venerem speaking for him?
Before you had the chance to ponder over that even more, the animal instincts in your brain took over and your hand was wrapping around his, pretty sizeable, cock.
He hissed at the sensation of your warm palm touching him and you observed his reaction with hungry curiosity. You liked the way his eyes fluttered closed and his teeth sunk into his bottom lip, the way his head snapped back against the cave wall and he didn’t even seem to notice that it should’ve hurt. He was too absorbed in the pleasurable way that you were touching him.
You were touching him.
Obi-Wan felt as if he were flying amongst the stars.
Your hand slid up and down his length, taking in every minor reaction he gave you to see what he liked. The answer was: he liked all of it. No matter the pace of your strokes, the pressure of your squeeze, or the angle of the twist, Obi-Wan revelled in it all.
Every sound he made caused what felt like a flood to pour from between your thighs, skin prickling with flames of desire. You increased the speed of the pumps against his shaft, feeling him twitch in your hand. Obi-Wan started babbling to himself, something you couldn’t quite understand but realised were certainly happy mumblings. It didn’t take much more until he was orgasming, cum spurting out of him in hot ropes and coating both of your stomachs.
You weren’t surprised to see that he remained hard. At least the botany books hadn’t lied to you about the multiple times thing.
“Need you inside me now, Obi-Wan.” You whispered, pleased when his eyes seemed to spark with something akin to excitement. Pushing yourself up slightly, you took him in your hand again and aligned him with your entrance. Notching him against you, you inched down onto him slowly, feeling your hips stutter willing you to go faster, and watched his face scrunch up in pleasure.
“Does that feel good?” You asked despite knowing the answer. You just wanted to hear him say something, even a noise of approval would work for you.
He nodded rapidly and whined. “Yes, yes.”
Pleasure rocketed up your spine, walls clenching around him and he whimpered again. His hips bucked up underneath you and your eyes rolled back in your head.
He did it again.
You came.
A shocked laugh escaped your throat as the orgasm rippled through. You hadn’t realised it would be that easy but given that you’d denied yourself any friction and stimulation for way too long considering the situation you were in, it only made sense.
Obi-Wan’s eyes widened. “Did you just-?”
“Yes.” You sighed and rocked your hips against his, thighs still trembling with the aftershock.
“Stars-“ He gasped, head falling forward to bury his face in your neck. You smiled at the feeling of his beard scratching against your skin and moved faster.
Time became a haze, multiple orgasms rolled into a blur, and before you know it you felt like you couldn’t move anymore. Your legs ached, your body dripped with sweat and your breathing was shaky and uneven.
But you were determined for one more.
Obi-Wan gasped about it being too much but couldn’t stop himself from continuing to thrust up underneath you. Which you were thankful for considering you could feel your thighs cramping up and barely managing to support your weight. His arms locked around you, trapping you against him, as he pounded into you urgently like he was chasing something. He was really. And you could understand.
“Come on, Master, just one more.” You murmured against his temple.
It took only those words of encouragement for Obi-Wan to spill inside you once again, the feeling of that setting you off as well. And finally the two of you relaxed, the pollen’s effects wearing away.
The two of you sat against each other breathless for a moment before you eased up off of him and settled beside him. He immediately collapsed against you, sliding down until his head met your lap. You placed a hand in his hair as his breathing slowed down to a normal pace.
Now that the high had passed, guilt was setting in.
“What have I done?” Obi-Wan croaked, burying his face against your thighs.
You froze, knowing you should be feeling this same shame but not finding it in yourself to care. At least not right now. “It’s okay.”
“No!” He almost wailed. “I broke- I broke rules. Sacred Jedi code.”
“You had no choice. It was either that or death.” Tears stung at the backs of your eyeballs, willing yourself not to crack and break down. He needed you to be strong. “There was no other way.”
He knew you were right, a small seed of relief buried deep in his chest. He didn’t have another choice. But then there was another matter…
You continued to try to make him feel better. "The council will forgive you, Obi-Wan. It couldn't have been helped."
The Jedi could only nod in reply. That wasn't what worried him anymore, your logical argument had been enough to reassure him of that. What did worry him is how much he wanted it to happen again.
He glanced up at you. "What about you? Can you forgive me?"
You paused, hand stilling against the side of his head. "There's nothing to be forgiven."
"Please." He whispered against your skin. "Please just-"
It hurt you to hear the break in his voice. A man, usually so confident, reduced to this. All because of something out of his control.
You took a deep breath, stared straight ahead at the cave wall opposite you, tears in your eyes and a hand combing through his hair. "I forgive you, Obi-Wan."
A/N: I listened to Star Wars ambience on YouTube as I wrote most of this. Hope you enjoyed!
#obi wan kenobi#obi wan kenobi x reader#obi wan kenobi x you#obi wan kenobi fic#obi wan kenobi fanfic#obi wan kenobi smut#obi wan#obi wan x reader#obi wan x you#obi wan smut#obi wan fic#obi wan fanfic#star wars#deakyjoe’s fics#deakyjoe’s writing#ej’s fics#ej’s writing
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I always draw only Arcade porn, but today I really thought about "why I like Arcade" and drew it seriously.
Below is the monstrosity I drew on pixiv. I haven't scrutinized the document after the English translation, so it's probably weird.
My shit-decker feelings (mainly inferiority complex) for Dr. Arcade have finally calmed down after about 10 months of falling for him, so here's one thing I'd like to summarize (give birth to) why I can't help but have such a fussy heart for this guy. I guess the screen turns red when I put my feelings into it. I know it's not popular to capture long sentences nowadays, but it's the last time I'm drawing, so forgive me, I don't have anywhere else to put it.
I've tried to put all the elements of why I like this guy so much into this one picture, but the part that people who don't know me won't get from the picture and the part that made me fall for that point in the first place is that this guy is officially gay. The other deciding factor that drove me crazy was the fact that there is an ending where he commits suicide by circumcision for the sake of his own pride.
This guy, who had been running away from the secret of his origins, who was worried and lost, who couldn't tell anyone about the secret of his life, who couldn't make up his mind in that ephemeral world, who had been moping and sulking until he was 35 years old, makes a decision based on the words of a random courier (the main character) and chooses to live while helping others with his special skills, He can either choose to live for his father's redemption, or he can choose neither and be enslaved until he commits suicide. How can you come up with such a setting? The game is so full of elements that mess with our emotions that I can't help but project myself onto the brain-destroyed (physical) courier and the brain-destroyed (metaphorical) me.
↓I can't help but project myself onto him.
Why is Arcades set up as gay? It's just a setting that has nothing to do with the story. It is really a mystery. Why did they set him up that way? Is it because he doesn't know his father's face and is a fatherfucker? It's a wise decision. Thanks to you, a lot of nerdy women have been swamped. The fact that a man of such a serious character and nature was naturally homosex active drives me crazy again. There is also the mysterious statement that he had a few boyfriends in the past, but that doesn't play into the main story at all. Are you saying that I couldn't even confide my origins to my boyfriends? I wouldn't mind having a boyfriend who confided in a past man about his origins…and then they finally broke up because they couldn't share their life together, but he never revealed the secret of his origins to anyone…that would be fine. I'm a big fan.
Please, give me an Arcadian ex-career selection setting. What kind of guy she was dating and at what age, and if possible, her favorite position, etc. No, that's too much to ask. I'll have dinner with that. I'm ready to eat. I'll cook a pot of rice for now. Give me that. Give me a piece of Arcadian life. I don't care if it's too late. Give it to me. Hey. If, at the height of the drama, there are now statements like, "Actually, Nate, the fourth master, was in that movie," then why not have a leak that says, "Actually, that was Arcade's ex-boyfriend," or "Actually, that man at Navarro base is Arcade's father. Give it to me. I'm sure you have some secret settings that you can't reveal to the public anyway. Give it to me. Give it to me in a fanzine. Please. I don't care if it's a fabrication by a fan, please give me a doujinshi of Arcades' ex-boyfriend…someone please draw me a doujinshi…I'll do anything…tumbler prohibits sexually explicit pictures, so if you can, please draw me a sexually explicit picture on pixiv. I don't care if it's a cartoon. I have two new friends on pixiv recently. Thank you I love you and I won't miss you.
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HAPPY MAY THE 4TH Y'ALL!!
I'd like to tell yall a story.
As well all know, 3 years ago today The Bad Batch premiered. We were in the thick of Tritcale Harvest (like we are now lol). I was too excited to wait till I got home to watch. So I propped my phone up on the tractor steering colum, used my head phones, and watched the pilot while driving tractor. It was wonderful.
At the same time, my big red mare was over due to foal by two weeks. She could release the hostage at any time. I had checked on her at 4am when I left for the field, she showed no signs of foaling.
A surprise bout of rain at 10am shut us down that day. So I went home and drove out to check her just in case.
This is what I found
He was dry, standing and nursing. I'm guessing she had him not long after I had checked in the morning.
A perfect clone of his mother right down to the star on his head. After a few days, when he mother would nicker, he would too.
So of course he had to be named Echo❤️
In the same way I have loved this show over the past 3 years and watched the fandom grow, I watched Echo grow as well.
He is curious and kind. First to meet you at the gate when called. He is playful by nature, stealing hats, gloves, or anything else left unattended.
He is a fast learner with more try than any other horse iv started (and iv started a lot of colts)
Anyway
A few days ago, I once again left my house at 4am, propped my phone up on the tractor steering colum, and watched the series final the same way i did when it first aired. It was so bitter sweet.
Then as if it was meant to be, a suprise bout of rain hit at 10am, and shut us down again.
I figures I only had one choice.
A few days shy of his 3rd birthday, I put the first ride on my ARC trooper in training. I felt how he moves under saddle for the first time.
He is a horse that very few ranchers get to ride in their lifetime. He is brave in the face of the unknown. Calm in the chaos. Everything I want in a cow horse and then some. I can only imagine him 5 years down for road
My how he has grown into his name
Why did I feel the need to write all this?
While our favorite show has ended, Echo here will live another 25 years with me if I'm lucky.
And every time I swing my leg over him, I'll think of this wonderful fandom iv come to be apart of. Of the artists and writers who put their hearts and souls into their work for us to enjoy. I'll think of the amazing people I got the privilege to know and call friends. ❤️
I'll think of all the Echo posts. Funny and angsty alike.
So while the show my have come to a bitter sweet end.
I'll have my sweet Echo to remind me of why I fell in love with the show and fandom in the first place ❤️
#the bad batch#star wars#the clone wars#tbb echo#the bad batch fandom#has been a blessing to me#i need everyone to know this#yall are amazing
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Sweet Girl
[fem reader] contains: pregnancy, stillbirth, mentions of weight gain, problems during pregnancy
pairing: billy the kid x reader (au)
author’s note: this one's angsty and I'm unsure if it's good, but I wanted to put it out there in case anyone likes it :)
An outlaw’s life kept Billy away from home often, for long, long days until he’d come home to you all tired and missing you so bad it drove him insane. You’d be swaddled in his sheets, wearing one of his shirts and nothing else, your hair spread across the pillow as you slept, the covers in your fist clenched to your chest.
This was the sight that greeted him on a Friday night that wasn’t particularly special for any reason, but seeing you this way made it perfect instantly. His girl, his pretty girl fast asleep in his bed, looking so deliciously his.
Billy pulled off his work clothes, replacing them with his pajamas. He pulled back the covers just slightly on the side you were sleeping, his side, nudging you over like he did every night. He slid an arm under your side and held you close, pressing a light kiss to your shoulder.
You stirred, humming as you woke, and he breathed out softly, half annoyed he’d woken you and half happy for the same reason. “You awake baby? ‘M sorry,” he murmured, his big hands creeping under the hem of his shirt you were wearing so he could splay his fingers out over your skin.
“You’re back.” You turned in his arms, smiling sleepily and opening your eyes.
“Go back to sleep baby.” His lips landed on your forehead, holding them there for a moment.
Shaking your head, you said, “Uh uh, I wanted to wait up for you. I fell asleep though.”
Billy couldn’t help his smile, and he brushed his thumb back and forth across your cheek. “My girl waitin’ up f’ me? How’d I get so lucky?”
“I missed you today,” you said, tilting your head up toward him. “Missed you lots.”
“Me too baby, me too,” he said, nudging another kiss onto your forehead. “I was wantin’ to come home all day, just leave the boys behind and come hold my pretty girl.”
Giggling, you looked up into his eyes. “I’m lucky you spoil me at the end of every day or else I’d be a real unhappy girl.”
He took you in, all cozy nestled against his cotton sheets that you made look like satin, settled against his covers. “‘Course I spoil my sweet baby, who wouldn’t?” Billy pulled your chin up, pressing a little kiss to your lips, nibbling gently on your bottom lip before pulling away. You pushed the blankets back so you could cuddle him closer, and he sighed. “Look atcha’, so damn cute in my shirt.”
“I like wearing them,” you murmured. “Especially when you’re gone.”
“Ya miss me that much, huh baby?” Billy smiled.
“Miss you, miss your kisses.” You smiled as he pressed his lips anywhere on your face he could reach, his stubble rubbing against your skin. “Even if they’re all scratchy.”
“Don’t like a little scruff?” he ran his fingers over his chin, feeling it. “Guess I could use a shave…”
“No don’t,” You put your hands on his cheeks, feeling it. “I love it.”
He smirked and pressed more kisses to your cheeks, stubble prickling your soft skin. “Knew ya liked a man’s kiss, yeah sweetheart? All rough on your pretty face?”
You giggled as he caught your lips again, kissing him back softly. “They feel nice.”
“Ahhh I missed this today,” Billy murmured, shifting you in his arms so your back was against his chest. He pressed his cheek to yours, leaning his head on you. “Snugglin’ ya, kissin’ ya…” One of his hands came up to your collarbone, tracing shapes there. “Lovin’ on ya…”
“You spoil me,” you repeated, feeling like a princess all cuddled into his arms.
“Hmm, I dunno,” he rested his chin on top of your head for a second, looking down at you, eyes roving over the way his shirt had ridden up your thighs. “Pretty woman…in my bed…yeah I’m spoiled too.”
You nuzzled yourself against him. “I’m just loving on you, like you’re doing.”
“Are you lovin’ on me or lovin’ me on you?” he teased, and you squealed lightly, burying your face in his chest, much to his delight.
“C’mon baby,” he cooed at you. “Lemme see that pretty face again. Please? Wanna get a better look at my girl.”
“You look at me all the time,” you said against his chest, and he chuckled.
“Doesn’t matter. Lemme look at ya all nice ‘n slow ‘kay?” He tilted your head up, and you reluctantly looked at him
“Atta girl,” he breathed, looking over you. “There’s my girl…there’s my baby. Won’t ya turn a little?”
You moved away from him, settling on your side so he could look at you fully as he requested. You gave him a look of mock annoyance after a few seconds. “Done yet? I wanna cuddle.”
He grinned. “C’mon…I have ya in my bed and that’s all I get?” Billy stretched his arms back out for you. “Why don’t you c’mere and gimme a kiss?”
You snuggled back up to him happily, pressing a light dutiful kiss to his nose. He chuckled. “Not that kinda kiss, honey. Gimme a real one now, like a good girl.”
Rolling your eyes playfully, you leaned in, hovering your lips over his. He smiled, hands going to your hips and pulling you closer. “Quit teasing me, you…” Billy laughed and brought his lips to yours, kissing you softly, lingeringly. You kissed him back with equal fervor.
“Better?” you asked, pulling back a little.
“Much better darlin’, much better,” Billy brought his hands around, hugging you to him, with a playful grip on your bottom.
“Mm!” you moved his hands away from there, snuggling back into him.
“Aw c’mon baby,” he grazed his lips over your hairline, his hands moving back. “Just tryna love on my pretty girl reaall good…”
You couldn’t help your smile, and you shook your head, too comfortable in the cradle of his arms to care anymore. “You keep me too cozy to really complain if you get a little handsy.”
Billy laughed, holding her close. “What can I say? I gotta pretty little thing all snug in my bed…’s hard not to be.”
Smiling contentedly, you pressed your face into his chest. “I love you,” you murmured, smiling softly. “This is everything I’ve dreamed of.”
“Bein’ in an outlaw’s bed is everything ya dreamed of?” Billy smirked lovingly.
“I have a handsome man who loved me enough to marry me,” you corrected. “And I love him back.”
“I’m terribly grateful to love ya too, baby,” Billy kissed the top of your head. “Never thought I’d have me a wife but the one I found…oh boy is she a treasure.”
You smiled softly, looking at his hands as they shifted at your midsection, over your stomach. As your thoughts wandered, images of rounded bellies and babies with rosy cheeks and Billy’s blue eyes danced in front of your eyes. It was a vision that had haunted you for months now.
“Whatcha thinkin’ about?” your husband murmured, lips nudging against your neck. “Ya look happy darlin’.”
“Having babies,” you said dreamily, looking up at him.
Billy smiled. “Havin’ babies, huh? My little one havin’ another little thing?”
“Mhmm,” you murmured, playing with his hand on your tummy.
“Ya wanna make babies with me,” he whispered against your temple. “Hmm…we could y’know. Maybe not right now, but soon.”
You frowned adorably, a little panic rising inside you. “Not right now?”
Billy shook his head, brushing a strand of hair away from your face. “We wanna wait…wait ‘till you’re a little bit bigger sweet thing. Then we’ll put a baby in your belly.”
“Bigger?” your cute frown grew deeper. What did that have to do with anything?
“You’re just so little, darlin’,” he said, brushing a hand over your face. “Don’t want the baby to hurt ya. But once ya get a little bigger, then we can put a baby riiight here…” he rubbed your tummy. “Cause you’re gonna be a good little mama…”
“But I want your baby now,” you pouted, and he chuckled.
“I know sweetheart, I know. But we gotta wait so it won’t hurt ya.” He smirked. “And then after that, we’re gonna put lots and lots of babies in your belly…” Billy kissed her cheeks teasingly. “Over ‘n over…”
You giggled, shifting comfortably on his bed, looking cozy and sweet wrapped in his arms. He held you close, like a teddy bear. “You’re gonna be real good at makin’ babies…real good…”
“I wanna make babies now,” you reached up, kissing his cheek.
“My girl wants to play house with me, huh?” Billy ran his fingers through your hair. “You wanna baby ‘n everything.”
“I want a baby that looks just like you,” you studied his features, smiling sweetly.
“Do ya?” Billy pondered this for a minute, one hand squeezing your hip. “Well the baby’s comin’ outta you, ain’t it? So it’s gonna be pretty ‘n cute like you.”
“Uh uh, I want it to look like you,” you insisted, wrapping your arms around his neck.
“Gonna be a cute little thing either way, all my genes comin’ outta you,” Billy pressed kisses to your temple. “Can’t wait for you to have a belly fulla’ my baby.”
“So give me a baby now,” you whined as he kissed across your face gently.
“We gotta wait, little one,” he squeezed you against him. “If I make a baby in ya too soon it’ll hurt ya. I heard too many things about little women like you havin’ problems, baby.”
“It won’t hurt me,” you said earnestly. “I’m…I’m scared what’ll happen if we wait. What’ll happen if we don’t do it right now.”
Billy frowned, holding your head against his chest. You’d never told him anything like this before. “What’re ya scared of sweet girl?”
“My mama…” you started, your voice growing soft. “My mama had trouble getting a baby in her belly. And she waited too long and she died having me.”
The reason you wanted to do it now washed over him, and he held you a little tighter. “Oh baby,” he mumbled. “Just cause it happened to your mama don’t mean it’ll happen to you.”
“I don’t wanna risk it,” you said softly. “I want to give you a baby more than anything in the whole world. And we might lose our chance.”
“Your body’s not ready yet, my love,” Billy said softly. “Just a few more pounds and a little patience is all I ask.” He was being sweet, and you were grateful for that. But your want to give him a baby triumphed that.
“That could take years to make it stick,” you sat up in bed, looking down at him. He sat up with you, looking concerned. You were making a compelling argument.
“Baby…” he was close to being swayed. He wanted to give you whatever you wanted, after all. “The baby might have trouble comin’ outta ya…” he stroked the side of your face. “You’re just so little…”
“It’s a risk I’m willing to take,” you moved closer to him, looking into his eyes earnestly. Now Billy could see that this was more than just talking and teasing about having babies. You wanted this, you’d wanted this a long time.
His other hand came up to your face, and you moved into his lap, straddling him. “Please Billy,” you pleaded quietly. “Please…” You took his face in your hands and kissed each cheek. “I want to give you a baby. I don’t care what it takes.”
Your earnesty moved him, and his hands came to your thighs, holding you there. You were determined, brave and reckless to want his baby this badly. So he would give in. You were his girl, his angel, and you always got what you wanted.
“Damn it sweet girl,” he murmured, kissing you softly. You wrapped yourself around him, and he held you by the hips, his lips traveling down your neck and fixing themselves to your collarbone, breathing in your sweet scent.
The two of you made love twice that night, and continued to do it every morning and evening after that. About two months or so into your endeavors, you eagerly awaited to see if your monthly would come, hoping and praying it wouldn’t. Billy hurried home every day for a week to see if you’d gotten it or not, both of your excitement growing every day you didn’t.
Until one day when he came home to you in tears, sitting on the floor of the bedroom. Immediately he rushed over, taking you in his arms. “What’s the matter darlin’?”
“I got it today,” you sniffled, as you burrowed into him, shifting uncomfortably, feeling the rag you’d stuffed into your panties soak with your womanly blood.
“Oh, baby,” Billy murmured, kissing the top of your head. “’m sorry, sweetie.”
A full two months of lovemaking turned out to be fruitless…no baby yet in your little belly.
“We’ll try ‘gain next month, sweetheart,” he promised, cradling you in his arms. “It’ll happen, just gotta be patient.”
But it didn’t happen the next month. Or the month after that. It began to take a toll on the both of them, the waiting and disappointment. You tried not to get discouraged, but it was so hard. Billy was an angel, always holding you as you cried, promising it’d happen soon, the two of you just had to wait.
One time after you’d made love for the night, Billy came back from the washroom to find you with your back on the mattress, feet propped up against the wall. He couldn’t help his laugh. “Baby…whatcha doin’?”
“Making it take in me,” you responded, tapping your heels against the wall as if that’d make his spend glue to your insides.
“Oh really?” Billy sat on the bed with you, resting his chin on your tummy. “I dunno darlin’, that don’t seem right.”
You shushed him. “It’s gonna work.”
He pressed a gentle kiss to your tummy. “Darlin’.” Another kiss. “That ain’t gonna do a thing for gettin’ a baby in ya.”
“Just lemme try,” you insisted.
Billy chuckled, shaking his head at his girl’s antics. “Alright, alright.” Another kiss to her tummy. “You give it your best shot.”
When you continued to do that every night after that, Billy would always smile and give you a kiss, lying down beside you and putting his hand over your tummy, willing a baby to grow.
But your efforts continued to wield no results.
Until one day, when you heard the familiar sound of Billy’s boots against the wooden floor, and you sprang up, running out to him and jumping into his arms, legs around his waist, arms around his neck.
“Woah there!” Billy stumbled backwards, catching you easily even though you surprised him. “Easy, easy girl. Where’s the fire?”
You said nothing, just took one of his hands off you and pressed it to your tummy, your smile radiant. His eyes widened, fingers spreading out over your midsection. “Baby…?”
Pressing yourself close to him, your face buried in his neck, you murmured, “You’re gonna be a daddy.”
He laughed joyfully and spun you around once, grabbing your jaw between his fingers and kissing you softly, sweetly. “I’m gonna be a daddy.”
You hugged him tightly, and he nosed little kisses into your hair, tucking you into him and marveling at his girl, his beautiful girl carrying his child.
As the weeks passed and your belly grew, Billy grew more clingy toward you, which you hadn’t even thought was possible. He’d come home at earlier times from riding with the gang, claiming “They can survive without me, they know my girl’s growin’ our baby at home.”
Your figure, although remaining petite, filled out a little as your body made accommodations for the little life inside you, and Billy loved it. Your breasts were bigger, your waist curvier. You were nearly goddess-like in his opinion. You, on the other hand, grew more insecure as your body changed.
“I’ve gained so much weight,” you pouted as you stood at the mirror, smoothing your dress over your belly.
Billy came over, wrapping his arms around your waist from behind, holding your baby-filled tummy. “Whatcha mean, darlin’?”
“Look at me,” you sighed frustratedly, hands coming up to your chest. “My breasts are bigger now.”
“Mm, don’t I know it,” he murmured, pressing little kisses along your shoulder and up your neck.
“Billy,” you pouted, trying to be serious. “They’re so heavy now. Hurts.”
“Ohhh my poor baby,” he said against your neck, pulling you backwards to sit on the bed, on his lap. You folded your arms over yourself, frowning adorably. “If it helps, I think you’re beautiful right now.”
You smiled just slightly, but he noticed, keeping his arms around you and whispering sweet things into your skin. “Just knew you’d be pretty as a peach carryin’ my child.”
A little laugh escaped you at that, and you leaned back into him briefly, before sitting up again. “I can’t sit on your lap, I’m too heavy now.”
Billy gave you a look, tugging you back so you were fully against him. “Baby…you got nothin’ to worry about, yeah? You’re still a cute little thing.”
“I’ve gained so much weight,” you whined, shifting in his lap.
“Well…” Billy trailed off, looking at you, his hands moving over your belly. “Cuteness adds a couple pounds I s’pose.” He kissed your cheek and with his lips still against you, said, “Your body’s growin’ a baby, honey. It’s bound to happen.”
“I just wanna be pretty for you still,” you turned sideways in his lap to look at him.
Billy chuckled, his hand on the side of your face, thumb running over your cheekbone. “That ain’t nothin’ to worry about little one. You’re prettier now ‘n the day I met you, swear on m’ life.”
That coaxed a real smile out of you, and you nuzzled against him, content with how sweet he was being to you.
Unfortunately, the little weight you’d gained seemed to be the last of it.
As you got closer to delivery, your body began to change more, and not for the better. You started to lose weight, and your skin grew pale. Every day you became weaker, and it worried Billy beyond belief.
But despite all this, you were happy. You were always smiling for him, always commenting on how the baby was doing, whether it was kicking or not. He played along with you, pretending that you weren’t getting worse because he knew it’d upset you if he commented on it.
As you got into your eighth month, you were practically bedridden, weaker than Billy had ever seen you. He fretted lightly, not wanting to worry you too much, but the concern was building up inside him.
On a rainy evening, you were resting beside him, his head by your chest, close to your belly. One of your hands was resting there, the other in his hair, playing with it a little. You’d been having cramps all day, which you’d been told were common in the last little bit, so Billy had insisted you rest. He was silent, nuzzled into your side. You looked down at him. “You alright?”
Billy breathed in softly, sitting up and moving so that he was against the headboard, gently nudging you so your body was nestled against his. He looked down at you, face serious. “I’m worried about you.”
Your brow furrowed, and you tilted your head to look at him. “Why?”
“Why?” Billy asked in disbelief. “Baby. Look atcha. You’re losing weight, you’re so weak…”
“I’m fine,” you insisted, trying to sit up, but your belly made it hard.
“You’re not though,” he rubbed his thumb over your shoulder. “You’re so pale…’n weak…” Billy trailed off, looking pained. He shook his head as he looked at you, his eyes sad. “My girl…my beautiful girl…” he mumbled, his fear growing by the minute. “You’re not okay at all.”
“I’m happy,” you said softly, touching his hand and squeezing it. “I’m so happy. I’ve got your baby inside me and that’s all I ever wanted.”
“But you’re not well sweetheart,” he murmured. Billy pressed his lips to your hair, his hand running up and down your arm. “Baby’s takin’ a lot outta you, ain’t she?”
“Don’t blame her,” you whispered, your eyes wide, hand resting protectively over your swollen belly.
“I ain’t blaming her honey,” he murmured, shaking his head, his hand coming to cover yours. “She’s a baby, she’s doin’ what babies do and she’s takin’ everything she needs to grow…but that still means you’re sufferin’ for it.” Billy brought a hand to her face, thumb running down her cheek. “She’s takin’ too much outta ya.”
“Billy it’s fine,” you tried to insist, shifting so you could sit up a little.
“Stay down sweetheart,” he murmured, keeping his hand over hers. “And no, it ain’t fine. My girl…my girl’s fadin’ away…” He looked emotional, looking down and squeezing your hand.
“I’m not going anywhere,” you squeezed his hand back. “It’s just…this is just what happens in the last months.”
“Not like this,” Billy murmured, shaking his head and bringing his hand to your face, his thumb running over your cheek, eyes searching yours as if he were going to lose you. “Even I know this ain’t regular…”
“No, I have to be fine,” you insisted, looking at him. “I have to be fine for the other babies we have.”
“Other babies?” Billy frowned, thumb still brushing the side of your face. “Sweetheart, ya can’t honestly be thinkin’ about other babies?”
“Why not?” you asked, eyes growing wide as you tried to make out if he was serious.
His other hand came to your other cheek, and he held your face between his hands, looking earnest. “My love…at this rate, the way things are goin’...we’re not gonna be havin’ any more babies.” He was reluctant to tell her, she could tell.
Your face dropped, and your hand fell into your lap, out of his. “You can’t mean that.”
“Sweetheart,” he started, picking your hand up again. “Look at yourself. Look how weak ya are…how thin…we can’t have you gettin’ worse with each baby. This…” Billy took a deep breath. “This is the last one.”
Your heart beat faster at his words, and you looked down, shaking your head. “No, no.”
“No more babies after this one,” he said softly, lifting your chin with his hand. “I can’t let this happen again, gotta protect you. Shouldn’t have gotten ya pregnant so early anyways.”
Eyes filling with tears, you sniffled. “I wanted you to get me pregnant, I-”
“I know,” he murmured, thumb over your cheek once again. “I know. But I should have known better, should have known your body wasn’t ready.”
“That’s not for you to decide,” you whispered.
“It’s for me to know,” he said, his eyes intense but loving as he looked into yours. “And I should have known.”
“Don’t-” you cut yourself off as a cramp overtook you, pain shooting through your body. You closed your eyes, trying to breathe and smoothing your hand over your belly.
Billy was alert immediately, looking at you worriedly. “Sweetheart? What’s the matter?”
You gritted your teeth, the pain subsiding slightly and then coming back. This felt different from the cramps, it felt…
“Billy, you gotta get the midwife,” you got out, trying to breathe. “Something’s wrong…something’s-”
A new wave of hurt cut you off again and a little noise wrenched itself from your throat.
“Baby-”
“Please, go!” you said urgently, hands over your belly as your body was wracked with pain.
Billy didn’t waste any time, getting up and looking for his boots. He tugged them on, finding his hat and then coming back to you, taking your face in his hands. “You gotta breathe for me angel, yeah?” He kissed your forehead softly, then your nose, giving you a little smile, trying to reassure you, even though he looked concerned. “I’ll be back real soon, promise. Everything’s gonna be alright.” He pressed one more kiss to the top of your head and then he was gone, leaving you to suffer alone.
You didn’t know how much time passed, the pain being your only way of measuring it. It was searing, a biting flower blooming from your core. Praying endlessly that the baby was okay, your body twisted on the bed, trying to find relief from the limitless agony.
Finally, you heard footsteps, and then Billy was in the doorway like a saint after a storm. You cried from relief, and he hurried to you, sitting beside you and brushing hair off your sweaty face, promising it was going to be okay.
The midwife, younger than you’d expected but a source of comfort nonetheless, got to work immediately, pushing your nightdress up and examining you. She looked up after a moment. “How far along?”
“Eight months,” you managed, another bolt of pain hitting you. Billy let you squeeze his hand as hard as you wanted, not wincing once.
After a little more inspection, the midwife nodded, looking at Billy, then you again. She carefully moved your legs so they were bent and spread. “Alright sweet girl, brace yourself. This baby’s comin’ out real soon.”
You whimpered, and Billy squeezed your hand. “You’re gonna be okay, sweetheart. Promise, alright. ‘M right here.”
The labor was long, and you suffered through it, pushing the best you could. But your body only grew weaker as time went on, and you knew it wasn’t working, what you were doing. Everything was blurred- every one of your senses except the pain.
You heard the midwife say something to Billy, and he nodded, squeezing your hand once before letting go. Immediately, you made a noise of protest, reaching for him.
He tried to soothe you as he sat up on the bed with you, his thumb running over your cheek comfortingly. “‘M not going anywhere baby, just movin’ so we can make things easier for ya.” Billy eased his arm under you, gently lifting you to sit up. You whimpered at how uncomfortable it was, but he kissed your temple. “I know, I know. But this is gonna make it better. Baby’s gonna come out easier like this.” He positioned himself so you were between his legs, leaning back against his chest.
In this new position, your body’s instincts took over, working to get the baby out of you. Billy’s arms were wrapped around your collarbone, careful not to touch your belly, and one of your hands gripped around him, the other holding his forearm.
“C’mon sweetheart, you can do it,” he murmured against your skin. Your body was tired, making it harder and harder to push the baby out, but you tried, knowing you had no choice.
“Is she comin’ out? Can you see her?” you gasped, chest heaving as you tried pushing again.
“Almost baby, almost,” he muttered like a mantra. “You’re so close.”
And then suddenly it was over. You felt the pain lift just a little, and then you knew the baby was out. Weakened from exhaustion, you collapsed against Billy, who held you close, carefully, kissing your head and whispering things to you. “You did it sweetheart, ’s all over, you’re alright. You’re alright.”
You were too tired to respond, closing your eyes briefly and trying to forget the pain of the last hours. When Billy’s body stiffened, you didn’t notice, face buried in him as you tried to recover.
Then you remembered your baby, and you tried to sit up, using him as support. “Billy…I wanna hold her.”
His voice was so quiet it was almost far away. “Just stay here sweetheart, rest a little while.”
“No, I wanna see her,” you tried again, but he pushed your face into his shoulder.
“No baby, y’ don’t wanna see.” His voice had a protective edge to it, but you stubbornly pushed his hand away, turning to see the baby in the midwife’s arms.
She was perfect, so little…so pale. Not moving.
Your heart dropped, and your lips parted slightly as you realized what had happened. Billy was gently trying to get you to rest against him again, but you refused, unable to tear your eyes away.
The midwife’s face was somber, and she handed the baby over to Billy, who held her with one arm. “Hold her for a bit…I’m so sorry.” She left the room.
Billy held her gently, keeping his other arm around you. He looked from the baby’s face to yours, looking panicked. “Sweetheart, I-”
You shook your head, reaching out and touching your daughter’s face gently, tracing a hand down her cheek. The silence in the room was palpable.
“She’s so beautiful,” you finally whispered, gaze drawn to her like a magnet.
“She is,” Billy said softly, and you could hear the tears in his voice.
Staring down at your lifeless baby girl, you took her from Billy, holding her close, the dark curtain of mourning shutting around you. You imagined the life she could have had, how much you would have loved her, how much you did love her.
Finally, you kissed her tiny forehead, whispering, “I’m sorry sweetheart.” Then, seeing the midwife re-enter the room, you relinquished your daughter to be taken to the grave.
Billy watched all this with silent tears running down his cheeks, but you paid him no mind until the midwife had taken your daughter away, and that was when you broke.
You turned into him, fresh tears falling fast, and he sheltered you in his arms, his nose buried in your hair. “She…she…”
“I know,” he murmured tearfully. “I know.”
The two of you were back where you started, holding each other tightly, but this time shrouded in grief.
#billy the kid#billy the kid x reader#billy the kid x you#william h bonney#billy the kid 2022#william h bonney x reader#william h bonney fanfiction#william h bonney x you#milliesfishes#milliesfishes billy#Spotify#billy the kid fanfiction
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Oneshot scenario: Leo x GN!Reader - Late Hour Conversations
Prompt: A surprise visit from Leo when the reader couldn't make it to the lair due to pms (tone can be viewed as platonic or romantic)
Warnings: mostly towards the topic of pms (nothing too graphic though) and a slight mention of throwing up (again not too graphic)
Close to 2 am...
You just woke up from an accidental nap in attempt to get rid of the monthly menstrual headaches. Your phone was a few inches away as you winced grabbing it.
Sorry Leo, I can't make it to the lair today.
I couldn't sleep because of pms and I still have a terrible headache because of it...
The electronic screen laid out the messages you sent a few hours ago. You looked for some other video to watch while adjusting your head back onto the pillow.
The sound of a light blue portal appearing close to your bedside immediately caught your attention. As you tried to sit up while the red slider turtle almost dropped a plastic bag, slightly startled that you were still awake at this hour.
Leo cleared his throat but, still held on the bag filled with menstrual products, attempting to hide the worried look on his face.
"The store ran out on what you usually use so... Think you can manage a few days with these?"
"Its fine thanks but, you're not using this time to skip out on the night patrols?"
"Its been kind of a slow week so not much was happening. Until we all saw your message."
"When you mentioned the headache part, we didn't want to risk making it worse. Since we can get a bit rowdy and I dunno, just one turtle checking up on you seemed like the best idea."
"I'm guessing you guys were panicking when it happened to April."
Leo rolled his eyes as he made himself comfortable sitting in a nearby chair.
"I wouldn't call it panicking if we ended up getting pale faces with how Splinter explained it. At least April can make it sound like something out of a scary movie."
The turtle took notice towards a cup by your desk before looking back at you.
"I'd hate to bug you about staying hydrated at this hour but, if the headache's back, I could go grab a refill for you."
A sly smile showed up on your face as you briefly paused the video.
"When you say it like that, you're almost starting to sound like Raph."
Leo got up from the chair as he stuck out his tongue at you, taking the empty drink.
"You and Donnie always forget to eat breakfast right before Raph or Mikey wake up. Just be lucky I haven't told them about it."
The turtle returned back with the glass of water just as you readjusted yourself sitting by the edge of your bed. You briefly muttered a thanks with a remark.
"If you did, you'd be whining about missing a few hours for your well needed beauty sleep."
Leo sat beside you but, ignored the comment. Feeling his face heat up as you sipped your drink.
"You still kind of scared us when you were close to throwing up in the turtle tank. Just taking a shortcut away from reaching your favorite fast food place."
You muttered a geez under your breath, realizing it was a month ago when that happened.
"Don't remind me, I would have to be Donnie's helper for a few weeks if I ended up making a mess on his prized vehicle."
Leo lightly chuckled relaxing his shoulders as he began to stretch.
"I'm pretty sure Donnie will ease up on the workload. The fact you can keep up with his neverending tangents helps a lot. But, in case he gets a little too over his head, just get a spare beach ball-"
You lightly pinched Leo's cheek before going back to finish your drink.
"Yeah no, I can hold my ground against Donnie if he's gonna be stubborn about taking breaks."
"When he claimed, he can surpass my messed up sleep schedule by noon. Around 9 am, when I placed a pillow close to his keyboard. He was already snoring on top of it."
Leo rubbed his cheek while crossing one of his legs on to the edge of the bed.
"I guess any beach ball pranks are out of the question because..."
"I can already imagine you rushing to defend Donnie from those 'dreaded colorful spheres.'"
A light hum and smirk surfaced your face as you pretended to ignore Leo.
"If you keep bringing up it, I'll mostly spare Mikey and Raph and just aim for your face instead."
"Hey, I was kidding about that?! I wouldn't go that far to scare Donnie!"
The red slider turtle pouted as you laughed but, not loud enough to draw attention to your room.
"I know, just wanted to see if you're still keeping up to being the face man of the group~."
"Uh duh, its still part of my image. I don't need to be reminded-"
"Unless you want to keep pestering me about it~."
You playfully pushed Leo away but, grinned back at him.
"I guess I owe you a pizza since my headache hasn't come back to bite me."
"So, thanks Leo..."
Leo almost froze from the hug but, nuzzled near your shoulder because of your high body temperature.
"Are you gonna hate me if I really want pineapple toppings?"
You poked his face with your empty cup as Leo hid his head from your annoyed smile.
"I'll glare at you if you don't give me something in return..."
Leo gave a quick thumbs up before hurrying out of the door to refill your drink.
After a couple of days, both of you reached a compromise on an empty rooftop building, trading the pizza box for your favorite food. You still silently judged Leo's choice of pizza toppings.
However, he was more content that he got to see a genuine smile from you.
Bonus drawing:
I couldn’t draw the body without making it too wonky so here’s a quick sketch of a POV where you don’t notice Leo acting almost soft around you > /// <
#rottmnt x reader#leo x reader#rise leo x reader#I kind of did a similar prompt in one of my oneshot books on watt///pad#but its like really old and I don't feel like redoing it#this is slightly self-indulgent because I tend to be a mess before and during pms so TT w TT#finally reached the 950+ words ; w ; (used to write around 1k words before taking a break from that site but still)
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i genuinely love my mom so much but its also like you are the most confusing person ever
#i dnt wanna overshare cuz i always do that lol but mothers day is coming upp... uh. soon#so i guess im just thinking about her. i genuinely love her so much. as alwayz its hard tho#she is also the funniest woman in the world to me. most people would say shes a horrible person#shes just rough around the edges. idk#one time she pointed at a couple outside and wz like “those two are so ugly; its like they were made for each other!!”#is it bad that i find humor in her meanness? shes just like. so funny to me#her negativity makes me laugh i guess xD#and if shes nice to you she genuinely means it. I think i love my mom a lot bc i see a lot of myself in her#shes very “split up” like me her opinions change all the time and im like. me too!!!#yes she can be fake but i think she genuinely does “flip/switch” a lot the way i do#and i never met anyone else other than my mom who so openly did that yknow#she can love and hate you at the same time. she simutaneously will love animals and hate them. gay ppl. ect#she seems to idk. be really inconsistent and fragmented like me and only now do I see it#i love my mom. i cant help it even with everything thats happened its like how can i not love someone who held me in her jacket#as it snowed outside before school? i cling so hard to that memory#i will be seeing family 2 times this month but i feel quite at peace with it right now#in april i was not thrilled at all but today im feeling some peace
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#manectric#i woke up at like noon today y'all i'm queuing this after work. i forgot about it all day and i was about to hop on totk#but i got the reminder to do it. so here i am. with manectric#el woowoo‚ if you will#a lot happened. yesterday. it was not a very good day. which is why i woke up so late. it was a little bit rough. but i guess it's a new day#so. it'll get better. planning on Not Doing Shit today or tomorrow to compensate for all the Bullshit that happened yesterday#hoping you all are doing well. one week from today (friday june sixteenth) i'll be hopping on a flight for the first time in 10 years#looks like according to the queue this will actually go up the day before we leave. so‚ to you guys‚ i'll be heading out tomorrow#which is scary a little bit. last time i flew i had no idea i was autistic‚ but now that i've come up with a lot of better accommodations#for myself and i understand myself a lot better and my needs‚ i'm realizing a lot of my accommodations just aren't gonna make it through TSA#plus it's a lot of unfamilarity with unfamiliar people and an unfamiliar environment which i feel like is gonna lend itself to sensory#overload like Immediately and i'm probably gonna get a headache bc that's how it manifests for me#so when we get there i'm probably gonna have to run to the nearest pharmacy. and grab some shit. which is annoying! so. i'm a little#worried. about the trip. NONE OF HTIS IS ABOUT MANECTRIC SORRY#this is a pokémon i have a hard time caring about outside of its involvement as the leader of the electrike in amp plains#that's about it#any tips from frequent flyers who are autistic would be greatly appreciated. not even just about flying but about like. going to unfamiliar#places on the other end of the country and stuff. i feel like that's what i'm most worried about even though i'm worried abt all of it#also hi i'm writing these tags from day-of. like the actual day this is going to post. me from a week ago sure did know what she was talking#about! anyway. i'm. gonna like. take my meds now goodBye see you all when this Posts in a few hours
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bpd vs cptsd is really confusing also bpd vs autism. anyway
#and like the debate that bpd is just cptsd#and is a disorder rooted in trauma#but trauma also isnt a diagnostic requirement but also idk if i believe ppl w bpd who say they have no trauma at all#well im sure there r exceptions but also think a lot of ppl downplay trauma they went thru#nd ppl say bpd/personality disorders in general r from trauma and learned trauma responses for survival#But reading up abt cptsd lately its like everything also resonates w ne#me#but i still think i am like textbook definition of bpd lol. i was in a split for literally a week#it was hell i actually dont know how i survived bc i was so close to kmsing a lotttt bc mental illness is running my life rn#and making it unbearable!! i am just tryi g to find internal safety again and trust in others and#build my own resilience and trust in myself above all. reparentify myself and learn how to make a#sustainable life for myself when ive been trying to function like a -#'normal' neurotypical stable person for all my life and had no idea my mental problems ran this deeply#like iwish i had gotten help sooner. i feel horrible my life has gotten to this point bc i did nothing abt it when i was a kid or younger#adult bc i didnt know i guess. idk#i just realized my.upbringing has a bigger effect than i even know on who i am today. i have sm repressed memories too lmfao
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Another thing kind of in a similar vein to that last post: I really can't stress enough that if you are the cool family member that hangs out with the kids, don't ever stop doing that, even as they get older. I feel like for a lot of people it's really easy to bond with little kids cause well they're little kids! they think just about anything you could do is cool! and it's maybe a little easier to keep them entertained with simple games. But then as they start getting older like 8, 10, 12, etc, people tend to draw back more and not interact as much, which is absolutely the worst thing to do honestly. Kids at that age Are getting more self aware and maybe a little more self conscious and they Are trying to figure out their place in the world so maybe they don't play all the exact same games they used to, but I bet they still loving playing games!! And given the chance, I bet they would love the fact that they get to play with YOU, their old friend, even more. You might have to work a little bit harder to get them to warm up to you again at first, especially if they don't get to see you very often, but once you get past that they're gonna fall into the same habits around you that they always have and honestly, it's gonna be such a relief for THEM that they are able to act that way with you. You end up being something they can count on, a constant even as they change and grow and an opportunity to let loose a bit as they settle into themselves as people. And if you keep that up alllllll throughout their childhood and alllllll throughout their time as teens, you're gonna end up with a really great relationship that will probably last for the rest of your lives. So yeah, keep being there for all the kids in your life, especially the ones in the awkward phases!!! It may be years down the line, but they'll thank you for it one day, and I promise you'll both cherish that time forever and forever
#I'm speaking as someone on both sides of the equation so i really do promise that all of this is absolutely true#i was lucky enough to have quite a few people in my family who did this for me. uncles and cousins and other family friends#and honestly i don't know who i would be without them today. they helped me out so much and those relationships really define me now#and now that I'm older I'm trying to pass that forward to all my younger cousins#making sure like they feel they can always come to me and hanging out with them every chance i get#and encouraging them!! a lot!!!#and as they start to get older i hope they feel like they can keep relying on me#because i will always be there if they ever want to play a game :)#i. do not know what to tag this as hwkdhskdjs#just my little psa i guess
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#ugh. im feeling chatty today. probably bc i feel kinda weirdly anxious. like when u can Imagine bad things happening in detail#and like it feels like ur wait for it even tho its in ur imagination? whatever. anyway. ive been watching a lotta#stuff on like professional artists and idk maybe im just in too deep on science academia but i dont. i dunno the culture#seems so weird to me? like what does one do in art school? i guess i took a lot of art in high school but my teacher was kinda trash#all we did was paint realisticly using a grid and i hated that. but i image ur supposed to exercise different styles and medias? how tf#does that get graded? i dunno. i haven't taken any uni level art classes. i should tho. id probably like it#its weird tho. anything that tries to give structure to art stuff seems so weird to me. like u go to school for science stuff to build up#ur background knowledge and i guess u can do that with art but it feels different. i guess bc ur training muscle memory. i dunno#i like to imagine an au where i go to art school but i legitimately cannot fathom doing that. cannot fathom a life outside of my toxic#relationship with academia. i dont even kno what i would want to specialize if i went down that path. maybe illustration#bc it makes me happy when ppl say my style looks like something out of a kids book. i dunno#i guess classes would help with things like forcibly learning shadows and anatomy and composition#maybe i just need to make art friends. like what is ur life like? im too much in a science bubble#i guess going to art school also just devotes all ur time to art. not just tiny pockets of time between all the things u have to get done#god. i can only imagine the panic of procrastinating an art project and physically not having enough time to finish it#thats how i felt with my masters thesis. there was just physically not enough time for me to fix my code in all the ways i needed and rew#rewrite things. but i finished it somehow#ugh. god. i have things i need to finish coloring. i will finish them today. i will#i hate coloring. but colors r so pretty ;_;#unrelated
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My crops would be so watered if I could just love a main/popular character for once
#it's not like i do it on purpose#i don't make the conscious decision to look at some less popular blorbo and go oh yes this is the one#it just happens#my current blorbo is like one of the least popular ones and when he is depicted it's usually wildly out of character in an unfun way#and so i make a lot of content for him to the point he is the main character in my au#i by no means expect attention when i try to bring up my ideas everytime#but getting posted over constantly is really taking it's toll#I'll wait hours after the last message was sent and then bam someone is there to immediately post over me without comment#or when i go oh hey i did this thing today! and get ignored but when someone else says something similar they get all the praise#cause they write for only the best and important boy of course#and aus where Wild is the main focus are all of course superior to everything else so why the hell do i even try#sometimes i think i should just stop creating because what the hell is the point when people only want the special boy#and when i did show my au Wild i got told i needed to make him skinnier??? like okay.#im sorry that i dont make stuff of the favorite character and when i do he is not good enough in peoples eyes i guess#anyway this is an accumulation of just absolute garbo that i needed to yell into the void#maybe someday i will feel confident in what i create but gods certainly not now#this is so hard
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I genuinely can never thank you enough for the past year. I can't express how much it's meant to me to be understood and have my energy reciprocated with someone on the same wavelength. Although I've been in the fandom for quite a bit longer than most people writing in, and longer than you, even, I can't remember the last time I felt this welcome and motivated. A TRULY embarrassing amount of my work's just been fueled by "oh Snap's gonna wanna see that," and of course that circle's expanded since then, but it probably wouldn't have had I not met stream chat through you, aaaaaand if I'm honest you're still up there... lol...
It's always, always a highlight of my day to see your your work, your posts, and your responses, whether they're to me or to others, and it's always a highlight of my week to be able to make it to streams! You're a huge inspiration for me, particularly in terms of your work ethic across the board. I always come out of streams energized and feeling like I can actually finish things, and usually this is hubris, but it's gotta count for something.
Not to be dramatic, but you kinda changed my life, no exaggeration. I still really can't see myself the way I was two or three years ago not just calling it quits after some of my Gaiden experiences... lol... but I'm still around, and like always, I wanna be able to write in and interact as much as I used to sometime soon. Thanks for everything! I hope RGGS continues to deliver so we can stay in touch :3
i cant thank YOOOOU enough for the past Xsome months or so. feelins ABSOLUTELY mutual in that i wasnt sure anyone else would really be into talkin bout rgg as you and i have (or would be willing to read my. miles-long scrolls of bullshit LMAO) so it's been real fun gettin to know you an everyone and chattin !!
most bafflin thin to ever to think i have good work ethic, i feel like ive been behind everyone for the past couple weeks and even with the things i do make it's really not up to snuff. it's always nice to hear that's not supposedly exactly the case :) I Suppose :^)
rgg community (like any community lbr) can be. An Experience, esp for someone with a position like yours. so im glad i can make it worth to hang around somewhat LOL
regardless, i always look forward to you next ask or the next time you leave tags on a post i make. if i ever bother making a post again ☠️☠️
#fave#snap chats#I DID SIT ON THIS ALL DAY OOPS#i got a bit busy with some stuff...... also i always try my best to write a sufficient response cause ill feel bad if i dont </3#mad funny youre stoked for me to see stuff And I Am Always Stoked To See Stuff cause i got a similar sentiment towards you#i mean i TRYYYY not to get too in my head bout it since then i get paranoid but i always do hope on the downlow like#'ah man. hope this is funny. hope masu likes it. hope im shot for this one' VERY NORMAL things to want :)#so funny tho. funny timin of this ask i feel like ive been disappointin people an particularly yous#which 'snap that doesnt make sense please be happy with yourself for three seconds' which. NO?? no. impossible#but i do get worried im disappointing or being too annoying or yk. just being a pest or not being adequate#so it's fun/ny gettin this ask today all that considered LOL#I MEAN I KNOW EVERYONE BEEN NICE THE PAST DAY OR SO YK SO NO REASON TO THINK IT#i cant avoid thinkin a it... my number one bully is myself he Will Not leave me alone no matter how hard i try to complain to the board#the board also bein myself. i cant excommunicate myself from myself--#REGARDLESS. very cool that i give you motivation :) esp after streams :)#every time i finish a stream i feel like i made an ass out of myself. ALWAYS HAVE FUN. but i feel at the cost of bein obnoxious#tho i guess theres no point stayin round if i was. lest its like Last Resort kinda deal then TRULY i am sorry im The Last Resort#ILL STOP WHINING FOR FIVE SECONDS TO SAY thank you :) for everythin :) both just chattin with me an all the work you do for the community#it truly is a lot and indescribable and its very cool i have someone like that who likes what i do. you do be the beyonce in walmart to me#to reference that post i rb'd last night LOL its still hard for me to understand but ig i dont have to understand it#i think i mentioned this before but i remember when id draw for persona (cringe ik) id mostly draw adachi (this is relevant Trust)#and this one mate one day was just 'snap its really nice how much. love you bring to the adachi community'#which is a hilarious thing to say since adachi sucks but POINT IS im glad i. i THINK im kinda doing the same thing now still#thats the consensus ive gotten the past couple asks.. lol.. its nice bringin people together and havin a fun and welcomin space :)#ILL WRAP IT UP HERE THO before i make people throw up. i kept this ask hoarded long nuff.. ill just hoard it in my chest cavity instead#once more thank you forever and always :) when we inevitability branch off to other things i'll always treasure all you've done for me
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im discontent and tired but like too discontent and tired to put it into words i think. lol
#purrs#prefacing this as usual by saying that i love my job. but also… every single situation. EVERY situation. is a primal situation in one way. l#like either i am dying of hunger / thirst / sleep deprivation and feeling it so hard i can’t focus on my work or i am so stressed that i am#being chased into a hidey hole by all the pressures or i am projecting my parents onto ppl and reliving primal moments of abaondoment and ex#exclusion LMFAO. And it’s like there’s no wonder i am so fucking exhausted every day when i come home i have lived 746 lifetimes in the last#8-9 hours. but it’s just so insane and im so tired. i literally thought i was gonna have an anxiety attack earlier today and it was bc i had#health anxiety bc my heart was pounding so hard over my facilitation anxiety that i got scared my heart was legitimately going to give out a#and then i started spiralling and like. lol i don’t think that’s healthy. i just want the election to be over so fucking bad but also i cant#just throw up my hands and give up and hope for the best i am literally being paid to give everything i have to making the world better so i#im gonna do it it’s just i am so often like the youngest and least experienced person in the room and im insecure about that and also i am j#just scared like… as a person and it’s just a lot to deal with i guess. lol#guess i was able to put it into words lol. but the moments of me projecting shit are so annoying bc then i get mad and then my feelings get#hurt bc no one notices im mad but also i don’t want anyone to notice im mad bc im being stupid for literaly no reason so. idk im just#ear ripped tated right now over stupid stupid shit that genuinely does not matter and has no bearing but when it’s little things that build#up over the course of the day… idk. it’s just hard 💃🏻#delete later#this is abt smth that happened in a meeting today brw it’s not abt anyone including irls i saw today / this week i love u 😽#also side note i saw literally SO many of the ppl closest to me this week. like that used to be an almost every day occurrence and i think t#this week not only did i see… like not to name drop on my tumblr blog with redacted followers but not only did i see you markya and#david but i saw tirzah AND brandon AND radia. WTF!!!!! that’s so many of my favorite people all in one week!!!! :DDDDDDD#(omg pretend i put ‘you’ after all the ppl it applies to)
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#sorry i will overshare for a second#on this day 3 years ago my grandpa passed away and it feels a little. idk. surreal?#to be seeing all the posts and news sections etc about vialli#like it feels surreal that he died on the same day#obviously i know lots of ppl die on the same day. duh#i just kinda. feel weird#it's like today already had the death mark on it and now it has another? and it's a bit. a lot#not even bc of my grandpa bc that's a whole complicated topic/relationship Mh#it's mostly that every time i have to think about death i think of my grandma and#it maybe should've passed by now but it still hurts#recently i was talking w a coworker abt how our grandmas passed away when we were pretty young and she was like yeah it was a few years ago#i wasn't even 30 and i was like.. oh... i was like 13#and she looked a bit taken aback and sad she was like oh you were super young#i don't ? even know if 13 is younger than the norm ? to lose a grandparent#my grandma did die p young tho so. yeah#idk. i guess sometimes i just get hit by such waves of grief#especially bc i wish i remembered more.. instead of just small bits and pieces that i try to go on by.. as if it was enough#as if i didn't miss her terribly while at the same time not knowing exactly what i am missing#it's just sad and it makes me feel like a little boy. girl. idk. just so small#i wish i could talk to her hug her know what she thinks of me now#whenever i think of how i've now spent half of my life without my grandma i feel like i can't breathe i can't feel i can't..#nonna vorrei tanto che fossi qui. vorrei solo abbracciarti un'ultima volta vorrei tornare indietro e venire a trovarti in ospedale l'ultima#volta in cui ne ho avuto l'occasione e non l'ho colta. vorrei rivedere il tuo sorriso.#sorry. i will delete this later
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