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#i finally get a chance to be independent on my own for money and stuff

beanghostprincess · 4 months

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YOOOO saw t4t sanami, do you have any specific thoughts on trans! nami?

OMG YESYESYES!!!!!! First of all, I adore t4t Sanami. It's the best type of Sanami. And I have so many thoughts about trans!Nami... My beloved.

She realizes she's a girl pretty soon in her life since her mom is her role model and she admires Nojiko a lot. But it's more of a gender envy thing most of the time, she just doesn't understand the concept yet-- The thing is, neither girls nor boys understood her passion for maps, and she barely had any friends apart from her sister, so it's a bit hard for her to actually understand what she wants. But she's sure she's a girl. That's something she has clear.

When she comes out to both Bellemere and Nojiko, they're obviously extremely supportive of her. Nojiko is thrilled to have a sister and Bellemere couldn't be happier that her girl trusts her enough to tell her this (you know, they're still young and Bellemere feels a bit insecure sometimes and wonders if they actually see her as their mom). In general, the village is very supportive. They love these kids, c'mon. Maybe there are some comments here and there from people who are more close-minded than others, but Nojiko always goes full protective sister mode.

They don't have money for new clothes, but Bellemere does her best to style Nojiko's old outfits for Nami!! She asks Nami if she wants to grow her hair, and Nami says it'd be a bit uncomfortable but she'll probably give it a try, if it bothers her then she'll probably cut it (she ends up doing it because it gets, indeed, uncomfortable).

Transitioning socially, even if most of the village is supportive, is a bit hard. Nami doesn't like being scared. Or feeling weak. But her mom always tells her to be herself no matter what other people say, because she's the only one who should choose how to live her life. She is a girl, and she has all the right to fight the ones who say otherwise. Nami wonders if fighting will make her look less feminine, but Bellemere says "Well, I fight, don't I? And you see me as a girl. Girls can and should fight. Even better than most men, honestly". And Nami is no longer scared of being more independent and strong.

I just know Genzo is the sweetest, most protective, and most supportive man ever. He even buys her some new clothes and kind of lets her get away sometimes if she gets into fights because he knows she was doing it to defend herself. He has a new picture of the girls on his desk and he's always keeping an eye on her because he knows she's gonna end up being gorgeous and he can't have guys flirting with her.

It's easy for Nami to look more feminine because of her complexion but she's still insecure over a bunch of stuff while she grows up. Everything is worse when she joins Arlong... Okay, so the Arlong Pirates aren't transphobic but Arlong is this type of "passive-aggressive" ally who won't stop asking Nami to thank him for letting her be herself. He's always highlighting the pronouns and sometimes he even buys her stuff that, okay, she likes it. But she doesn't want those clothes from him. It's a living nightmare. He also gives her the chance to medically transition which-- She wishes she could say no, really, but dysphoria is eating her inside most days and she doubts she'll ever have the money to do this on her own. Nojiko is the one who tells her to go for it even though the help doesn't come from the right people.

Anyway- She grows up. The story continues as it is. And when she meets the Strawhats and they defeat Arlong, it's extremely freeing and liberating for her. She finally feels like she can be herself with people who actually care about her. I think the only ones who know she's trans are Zoro (transmasc/transfem communication), Luffy, and Usopp, because she told them at some point. It's not like she hides it from Sanji but... But, you know... She doesn't know how Sanji will react.

It's not that surprising to find out Sanji is a girl too. What is surprising is the fact that she takes it so well. In terms of concept and support. I mean- She knows what being trans is, and accepts it. Apparently, it's just hard to accept it when it comes to herself. She confesses it one day while she's drunk, saying being a girl would be great because they're just... Amazing and perfect. She describes all the things she likes about them and most of it sounds like gender envy and dysphoria to Nami. Something that Sanji confuses a lot with liking them sexually (also true and something Nami understands because she's a lesbian and it's always hard to tell the difference between attraction and gender envy). But Nami just says "You can just... Be a girl, you know? If you wanted to" and it kind of changes Sanji's world forever.

(Quick mention of Alabasta and how Nami falls for Vivi right away, something that she wasn't expecting because being in love is dangerous for her. But they have chemistry and they deeply care for each other. So before they leave, they have this intimate night together in which Nami is extremely scared. She doesn't want to lose Vivi for something like this. She isn't even sure how Alabasta's culture works and if Vivi will be as accepting as she looks. So Nami, still scared and shaking and almost crying for the first time in a long while, comes out to Vivi. The princess is... So accepting and loving it's overwhelming. I know we talk a lot about how Nami probably flirts with every girl she meets and has more experience than Vivi, but I'd like to see this as Nami's first time. Or at least, Nami's first time feeling so loved while having sex. Also, please assume Namivivi is a thing in this post too. Sanamivivi <3).

Nami starts seeing Sanji in a different light, by the way. Not instantly romantic, but she understands now why she acts like that around women. Sort of. She sees her being uncomfortable in her own skin. Sees her twitching whenever somebody highlights the fact that she's ""a man"". Nami even calls her "pretty" once, instead of the usual adjectives, and Sanji tries to act like she doesn't like it but she does, so much it's obvious it hurts her to realize. The egg is cracking and it's not slow, nor subtle, but Nami can't see it because they get separated in Sabaody.

To summarize, Nami gets an amazing boob job there. That's my wonderful explanation for the enormous change in her body after two years. The doctors up there are really good, okay? She lets her hair grow the way her mom mentioned once, and now that she knows how to fight, she can handle it a lot better! Meanwhile, Sanji is having a whole gender crisis back in Momoiro Island but she ends up figuring out that she's a girl and Ivankov is always our salvation for these things.

They find each other again, and Nami couldn't be more proud of Sanji. I mean- All of them are proud of her. They love her. They love her even more now that she has accepted herself. But for Nami, having somebody in the crew who went through the same things as her and who now feels comfortable with her body makes her incredibly happy. So long story short, Sanji moves to the Girls' quarters. Also, they find out Robin is also trans, something she hadn't mentioned because obviously there's no need to do it, but the girl is a fucking mystery and she hadn't mentioned it until NOW??? And Nami is about to start crying because she finally doesn't feel so alone.

You know, things go by smoothly. Nami likes wearing tops and bikinis to show off her body because she's really proud of it and Sanji keeps wearing her suits but sometimes they also share clothes. Although Sanji has a liking for Robin's outfits better. They grow closer and share experiences and even though Nami opens up about her past, Sanji doesn't. And it's not like she has to do it... But Nami wishes she trusted her more. Anyway- Showering Nami with love wasn't something Sanji only did before, she still does it. And Nami is starting to fall a little bit for her? She hates to admit it, but Sanji is gorgeous. Gorgeous and really, really sweet and not that annoying anymore, now that she has found herself. Nami thinks it could be just sexual, but she knows it isn't only that-- She's scared of falling in love because falling for somebody means being able to lose them. And she would hate it. But she lets herself do it for once.

And then Whole Cake Island happens, and Nami kind of wants to die. It's when she realizes she's in love with Sanji (yay! Losing more people she loves!) and she's extremely angry at her for doing what she's doing. Pushing them away. But Nami can't really be that furious, right? She did the same thing to them, after all... It's so, so painful to see Sanji act like somebody she isn't. Her family made her cut her hair. Wear a binder and everything. Nami isn't sure whether she's crying for the fight or Sanji right now. When Sanji comes back to them, Nami wants to hug her and never let her go,, They start dating pretty much right after WCI, so Wano is painful because they aren't together and Nami realizes, right after the big fight, that Sanji is going through something she doesn't want to talk about. Not that she has to do it, because Nami will be there no matter what.

Little transfem!Nami / T4T Sanami quick headcanons:

As I said, they share clothes but Sanji prefers wearing Robin's style. However, Nami does steal Sanji's shirts all. The. Time. Not that the cook cares, though, she looks gorgeous.

Sanji is a bit self-conscious because Nami has bigger boobs. Not that it matters at all and Nami finds it incredibly stupid, but anyway- Nami is always worshipping Sanji's body when it's needed. Sometimes she thinks Sanji just says it to fish compliments from her.

Nami loves Sanji's short hair and is constantly reminding her that she looks beautiful this way, even if she prefers it long.

Nami actually is pretty insecure about her hands. They don't look as feminine and she would like them too. And she knows it's stupid but,, It still bothers her. Sanji is always kissing them and painting her nails, though!

I like Nami being extremely deranged sometimes and maybe a guy tells her that's not very lady-like and Nami always thinking about Bellemere and how she'd kick ass anyway.

#sorry for replaying so late wkefbwej i'm a mess responding to asks #they're all trans in this crew i swear #they're looking for the woke piece or smth #i love them so much #t4t sanami is like-- the best type of sanami #and the only sanami i ship ngl #one piece #black leg sanji #cat burglar nami #nami #transfem sanji #transfem nami #sanami #fem sanami

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simplegenius042 · 2 months

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Fallout Casting for Ryomen Sukuna Matata for Jujutsu Kaisen Abridged react fic

"Fuck school! Be crime! Do gay!" - Ryomen Sukuna, Episode 2 JJK Abridged (by the Schmuck Squad).

Reasons To Why I Believe These Characters Should Be Casted listed below the cut:

Richard Grey/The Master (the leader of the Super Mutant Army and the main antagonist of Fallout (1997), seeking to evolve humanity into super mutants with the Forced Evolutionary Virus (FEV), however, is stopped by the Vault Dweller, Elrand Brandt, and his companions via the power of persuasion) -> Mostly the grotesque way his body is morphed and stuff, but you can imagine his mouth opening on Ryder's body like Sukuna does on Itadori's body.

Sulik (a tribal looking to save his sister in Fallout 2, was saved by the Chosen One, Finidy Mona, and joined her as a companion to find the GECK, while she also helps him save his sister from slavers) -> It's mostly his tattoos that got me to choose him as a potential candidate.

Stanislaus Braun (the Overseer of Vault 112 in Fallout 3, Braun is a sadistic old man who regularly tortures his captives in a world of virtual reality, but had known the location and use of the GECK, which lead James Dolen to seek him out (only to be transformed into a dog), but was later outwitted by Alph inside the VR world and Amata from within Vault 112) -> Evil for the sake of being evil? Hates a kid for no reason? Would definitely take over somebody's body if given the chance? Sukuna candidate.

Yes Man (a securitron Benny had tampered with to help him overthrow House, is key to the Independent Vegas ending of Fallout New Vegas. Courier Six, aka Ryder, finds him in Benny's penthouse, and teams up with the securitron to save Benny from Caesar and overthrow House together) -> Listen he's too cheery for his own good. And sarcastic too. Like Abridged Sukuna.

DiMA (the synth co-leader of Acadia in Fallout 4 Far Harbor DLC. He is also the "brother" of Nick Valentine, the person who gets the Sole Survivor, Nate, to admit that he's likely a synth himself and has been involved in the sketchy shit around Far Harbor) -> Though the least potent candidate, what cannot be denied is that DiMA disregards everything about morality when it comes to doing what he thinks is the ways things should be.

The Scorchbeast Queen (the motherfucking progenitor of the Scorched disease and the final boss of Fallout 76 (if players nuke her nest at Fissure Site Prime). The Resident, Vega, only survives her encounter with the Scorchbeast Queen because of the FEV that had partly transformed her) -> She looks as ugly as Sukuna's fingers.

John Henry Eden (the President who runs the Enclave in Fallout 3, has all the personalities of the past presidents copied and downloaded into his A.I. He intended to use the water purifier to release a modified FEV into the water to kill anyone with a trace of radiation in them. He attempted to get Amata onboard with this plan, but since it would technically kill Alph, Amata convinced the president to give her the virus to "use" and tricked Eden into self-destructing and run like hell while Raven Rock fell down around her, towards Alph and his companions who were fighting outside trying to get to her inside) -> Eden and Sukuna are all aboard the murder express.

Dean Domino (one of Ryder's temporary companions in Fallout New Vegas Dead Money DLC. He was friends with Frederick Sinclair and had used Vera Keyes to get him one step closer to the Sierra Madre vault, however America being nuked interrupted this heist and lead him to being ghoulified, and while trying to get into the Sierra Madre, had been forced by Father Elijah to help him get into the resort. Dean eventually betrays Ryder inside the Sierra Madre, having been unable to comprehend someone could be as smart as him, which leads to him getting filled with lead) -> Dean Domino is a selfish bastard, Ryomen Sukuna is a selfish bastard.

Dr Klein (a brain apart of the Think Tank in Fallout New Vegas Old World Blues DLC, he was the director of the Big MT. His speakers are set on a loud volume and he is quite an arrogant punk. Klein and the rest of the Think Tank had vivisected Ryder, taking her heart and spine (and losing her brain to Dr. Mobius) and would only allow her to leave if she dealt with Mobius and gave them the resources to explore the Mojave from the safety of Big MT) -> As loud as Abridged Sukuna is.

Ishmael Ashur (the leader of the Pitt in Fallout 3 The Pitt DLC, though he is the big boss of slavers and raiders, Ashur is trying to humanely find a cure for the Trog which his daughter Marie seems to be immune to. However, the Lone Wanderer, Alph's appearance in the Pitt shakes things up) -> If Ashur just lost his benevolent intentions behind his actions and was doing things for the evils, he could be a lot like Sukuna.

God (the alter who acts as the "conscience" to a nightkin called Dog in Fallout New Vegas Dead Money DLC, he looks out for Dog and wants to kill Father Elijah so badly. Ryder helps both Dog and God make peace with each other and merge them both into a new personality) -> God is the voice in Dog's head, and his voice is quite menacing. Like Sukuna, though Sukuna is more malevolent than God.

Remember, for the alternative option, REBLOG and put in the tags WHO else from the Fallout franchise should be Abridged!Megumi and WHY you think they'd better suit the role. Also if there is a tie, then a repost will be made with only the tied candidates, and you'd have to pick from them.

I've also created and will continue to update (until the polling is done) a Master List for the poll results of the casted winners. You can find it right here.

You can find my Fallout OC profiles Master List right here, which also includes a link to the original post where I pitched my react fic idea. Anyway, hope you enjoyed, chow!

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mr-geargrinder · 1 year

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Last few days have been a whirlwind of stuff happening with all this WotC OGL 1.1 business. The leaks were real. The document is now out there. We’ve got confirmations and insider rumors saying that WotC totally knows everyone is pissed, they still think this plan will make them more money, the cancellation of D&D Beyond subs is making them panic, and worst of all, they still think they can push forward with their plans, but they’re going to wait for things to cool down first.

And then Paizo comes out and says they not even going to fuck around with the OGL, though they will fight WotC in court if it comes to that. Until then, they’re hard at work making a new Open RPG Creative License (ORC) for everyone to use, perpetually, irrevocably, forever, because fuck you WotC, that’s why.

That’s a lot to process on its own and that’s not even everything that’s happened in the last 12 or so hours.

I think the unsubbing idea is really good, but I’ve also seen a few people who are treating it like it’s a temporary thing. They’re waiting for WotC to back down, rescind the OGL 1.1 entirely, apologize, and then expect everyone to go back to giving them money and buying any product they put out. I think that would be a terrible outcome and I hope that everyone following this developing story understands why.

The OGL changes are just the start. There’s stuff in there about VTTs and other forms of media. WotC has the D&D movie coming out this year and a D&D series in the works, too. They wanted their VTT to be the biggest, most used one on the market, partially by strangling their competition. There’s also very clear plans to pursue further monetization and microtransactions. The OGL wasn’t just about gutting the competition, it was about making sure there was only one platform, under their control, where D&D would live, and where as much of the money as possible would go into WotC’s pockets.

You can go on D&D Beyond right now and buy individual stat blocks or single magic item descriptions from their official modules. There’s no reason for that to even be an option, but you know that once they finally get their VTT and their new app and the new not-a-new Edition of D&D running, there will be many more things available in microtransaction form. Just a few taps, like Fortnite does, to get some new minis or some fancy effects for your character sheet, or whatever stupid little bullshit they can cram in there to milk people for more money...

It’s THE WORLD’S GREATEST ROLEPLAYING GAME™ after all. No way they wouldn’t tap as many creators and influencers and possible, eagerly showing you how cool it is to be immersed in D&D, the lifestyle brand, spending money on the integrated D&D Beyond App.

All this to say I don’t think anyone should be going back to WotC and D&D unless there’s some massive course corrections that likely aren’t coming after they spent 150 million to purchase D&D beyond. In my opinion, I think WotC has been a very awful company for longer than it’s been good, anyways. The people they’ve got in charge now are the worst they’ve ever had.

The chances of WotC getting their shit together and not being a scummy company who tries to scam their customers are very low. In my opinion, it’s in everyone’s best interest to just be done with WotC. There are better publishers and independent game designers out there who would greatly appreciate a little bit of love, and I guarantee you that there’s nothing D&D has that you can’t get somewhere else or can’t bring with you.

#D&D #DND #OGL #WOTC #Hasbro #ogl 1.1 #paizo #ORC

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taemys · 2 years

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Dear Tumblr

I don’t know who will read this. Maybe no one will, and that’s okay, because I just need some place to scream. I have never told any of this to anyone, even myself. And if by chance, it helps someone somewhere to feel less alone, then it would have been worth it.

I suffered from bulimia nervosa for eight years now. I still can’t believe it’s true while I write this sentence, and it scares me so much that I feel like the future is collapsing before me. I have no words to describe how tired I am and how alone I feel after all those years. I am beginning to fear that I will never get better and it’s suffocating, because I want to be happy so desperately.

I dream of a future when my fiancé can put his hand on my waist and I won’t want to cry. I want to sit in a chair without obsessing over the size of my thighs or the folds of my stomach. I want my weight to stop being my first thought when I open my eyes in the morning. I want to stop thinking about my body whenever I put my clothes on, whenever I walk by a store window or go shopping with my friends. “Can they tell? Can someone see this?” This infernal spiral is like a screaming bell at the back of my mind that won’t shut up until I finally give in to my urges. I feel like a slave to my own mind, and I watch myself as I force-feed my body like a paralyzed goose.

I’m pushing myself toward my own grave while fooling everyone, and that might be the saddest joke of it all: everyone thinks I recovered. That it’s a dark and confusing memory long gone behind me, that I went through some kind of “glowup” because I finally learned how to put pretty clothes and not talk trash of myself in public. But nothing changed. I’m still the same liar.

I could say that it’s Bulimia that made me one, but I lied way before I shoved a toothbrush down my throat. I lied from the moment I realized I was taller and bigger than other girls, and I lied even more when I saw the way I was eating wasn’t normal. I have hidden food for longer than I can remember and I have avoided meals as soon as my mother made fun of me. I became a professional at hiding the smell, at making food packages disappear, at counting calories and vomiting in silence when people were too close.

I became a contorted image of success, a walking lie that hides behind loud jokes, false confidence and misplaced advice. I used my false recovery to lift people up and tell them that no obstacles were unsurmountable, only to sob at night because I couldn’t bear the sight of my own body. It wouldn’t have been so sparkly, if I told them that I was ashamed to be naked in my own shower, that I sometimes fished food out of the trashcan or vomited in plastic bags, when a bathroom wasn’t an option. I couldn’t tell them about the cold sweat, the racing heart and the overwhelming panic that come with keeping food in your stomach.

Bulimia has made me selfish. I stole at supermarkets, I stole in my dorm, I stole at my office, I stole at my friends’ houses. Like a cockroach, I sneaked in the kitchen at night to stuff myself with food as fast as possible, and I froze in the dark every time I heard a noise. At some point, I even concluded that any form of care was wasted on me, because I would always end up choosing food. You want to give me money? It will disappear in benders. You want to treat me to dinner? I will throw it all up behind your back and come back with a smile. You want to bring me to a nutritionist? I will just use the opportunity to drop weight even faster. You will ask me if I am still struggling with my weight? I will tell you that you worry too much.

I choose food every single time and for a moment, for that terrible second where the void is filled, I am soproud. So proud of not getting caught, so proud of being able to eat without gaining too much weight, so proud of enjoying junk food in front of a show when others are working. And then the curtain falls and the ice cream sweetness is gone. You’re not a ‘sexy bitch,’ a independent professional or a struggling woman. You’re not even a victim.

You’re just some sad chick who gobbles some carrot cake in the shadows of her apartment.

Bulimia has been ruining every good thing in my life and I don’t even know what it means to live without it. I have wasted so many meals in high school that I could have enjoyed with my friends, but I was too busy running in the park to make up for the morning binge. It ruined my relationship with my family because their inability to resolve the problem had made them cruel and distant, and I never completely forgave them for turning their back on my illness. In the past, I have ruined my chances at dating because I was too insecure about my weight, and I never made the first step because I didn’t believe someone could love someone like me. But now that someone does, I guess it makes everything worse.

My lies no longer limit themselves to the outside world. I now became a full time, award-winning, pathological liar with the love of my life, and I can’t stop myself no matter how much shame I feel. I am stuck in a storm that won’t stop crushing me against the wall, and even though I may not deserve it, I am so tired of fighting.

I have seen so many psychiatrists who didn’t do anything aside from taking my money and forcing me to conduct my own therapy without any real exercise. I have given up talking to my friends and family because I either become a concern or an inconvenience. Why hasn’t she gotten over it, already? Should we let her snack since it might trigger her? Even though I pretty much live under the tyrannic rules of my eating disorder, I hate when I disappear behind it in the eyes of my loved ones, and letting them in always hurts so much. I can't talk to anyone. Nobody understands, and when they do, they just don't have the strenght to deal with it. I don't blame them.

I'm tired to be taken by surprise every time it comes back, even though it always happen the same way. Every time I try to love myself and move to another life stage, Bulimia always finds a way to explode in my face. And every time, I am reminded of who I am and I become more hopeless.

I don't know what to do. I'm drowning.

#eatingdisorder #bulimia #ED #annamia #mentalillness #weight #help

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robzombies-hotwife · 2 years

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I wish rich people would stop saying "scholarships and grants make college equal for low-income students! Poor people who take out loans are stupid and irresponsible!"

Oh hey, I'm a person who can speak of my own experience being a "good poor" smart kid who "pulled myself up by my bootstraps" and didn't take out loans. Let me tell you the sheer level of misery I lived in.

It started when I was 14. My mom stayed up all night to put me in the lottery for a spot at a charter school 30 minutes away by train. In my state, charters are free and public, they're just smaller with a dedicated focus (mine was STEM and early college). Luckily, I got in. I'd wish I didn't but my local public high school was a severely underfunded trash fire with a very low-quality of education. Both of my older siblings went there and they both said it was awful.

From that day until I graduated college at 21, my life was an out-of-control rollercoaster that yanked me along without ever giving me a chance to breathe or think for myself or develop a real personality and sense of self.

I entered a local college at 16 through my school's early college program. Tuition was free through the school, but class fees, textbooks, and other life expenses were so high I had to get a job and worked 20-30 hours a week at minimum wage to afford it. My most severe period of substance abuse was at this time because the stress threatened to pull me under every day. I had one short-term volatile relationship with someone who made me feel ugly that ended badly because I also couldn't give her any time or energy to make up for being me. I graduated at 18 with an Associate's and no debt, but also no friends or any good memories of high school. I openly begged my mother not to put my younger brother through the same thing when he started high school last year and thankfully, she didn't and he's happy as a normal teenager. They're in an economically better place now so maybe he'll have his college or trade school paid for in the future.

Normally, the first 2 years of college are supposed to be general studies, where you try a lot of things and figure out what you want to do with your life. Unfortunately, since I got my generals out of the way to save money in high school, but didn't have time or independence to develop any desires/goals of my own, I was on a time crunch after I graduated with a lot of pressure to immediately jump to high-level classes on a degree track. Even though I didn't have any actual interests or a plan for a degree I wanted, I transferred to my state university with some grants and scholarships. A gap year to decide what I wanted for myself or even what I was interested in was impossible because I would've lost those scholarships, so the current pulled me along. The scholarships I had required 15 credits a semester (high end of normal course load) and nearly straight A's. They also didn't cover housing, so I spent at least 4 hours on public transit a day because I had to live with my parents. Between that commute and my job (I still had to pay fees/books/food/etc), I missed A LOT of class and assignments. Even when I lived in the university's city for 2 semesters on the cheaper housing option without an expensive required meal plan, I had to work constantly at my shitty $8/hour deli job just to afford the rent, school stuff and food, though there were some months I went hungry because the paycheck didn't cover it. And I missed class and assignments so often that it was almost like I wasn't in school at all. I got fired from the deli during finals week because I was so goddamn exhausted and frazzled that I was late for a few shifts and snapped at people a couple of times.

And it was all for nothing because I ended up losing those scholarships for low grades anyway 💁

Fortunately, I only had one incredibly stressful semester left because I forced a 23-credit final semester for financial reasons. I moved back to my parents' and had my 4-hour commute again, plus the now full-time job I had to work to make up for the lost scholarship money. I graduated with a Bachelor's in December 2019 with a GPA below 3.0, no recommendations or internships (because I can't afford to work for free), and no good memories of college. I didn't even get a graduation ceremony for my trouble because of COVID.

I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD and medicated until May 2022 (so that undiagnosed condition added to my stress and inability to manage life), but I spent most of my time from 16-21 suicidally depressed because of university and the fact I had to work and travel constantly to afford to go when I couldn't even enjoy it or learn anything at all. I didn't date at all in college (or even now tbh) because my brain just screamed "how the fuck would you even have time for a relationship? You'd make them miserable" so now I'm 23, with a degree, no debt, and a steady career but severely under-socialized.

My situation is not unique. In fact, it's probably the furthest thing from unique. Some of my exact details are individual, but this is the fucking reality for most low-income students who try to live the American Dream and move up in the world through education. It is worse for students, particularly those who are racial minorities or have immigrant parents, who come from even lower income households, didn't have some of the opportunities I did (like free charter schools to make up for poorly funded public schools), or live in more expensive states. Work and struggle and sacrifice for years to go to a college where you don't have the time or energy to go to classes or study the textbooks you gave up your life to afford, all for a degree that you'll MAYBE be able to use for a career you don't hate.

I like my career (teaching ESL), but I had to pay $1k for a course to get a certificate because my Bachelor's degree, though somewhat practical, was utterly worthless for finding a job that pays actual money because research positions are usually unpaid. I never had a choice, because studying something creative is like studying unicorns and fairies when you're poor, but there are so many things I love that I wish I could've trained in instead. There was no point from 16-21 where I could've said "hey, make it stop, I can't breathe, I need time to think!" because I would have fucked up my entire life, possibly forever. Living life like that is like dancing on the edge of a knife with a cliff on either side: one wrong move and you slice your feet open and plummet to your death. There's no point mourning what happiness I could have had if I had lived normally, I just have to swallow my grief and move on.

And if you think "hey, that life sounds like it fucking sucks, I'll just take out loans"? Good luck ever paying those back because the interest is insane. That is, if Uncle Sam doesn't get you for missing a payment.

I don't blame my parents who genuinely tried their best to get me through school so I could have a better, easier life than they did. We've had a lot of therapeutic talks about my experiences and I have recieved some nice apologies for the pressure I was under as a teenager. I'm trying to learn to be happy and discover things I actually like and want now, but the fear of having to start college over again if I find something else I want to do sometimes keeps me awake at night in a panic.

I blame the highly exploitative and unfair system of American higher education. I blame the capitalists that keep wages low and prices high. I blame the society that shoves "exceptional" kids into the rigorous responsibilites of adulthood without letting them actually develop as people.

Most of all, I blame the out-of-touch fucking goverment who has the audacity to say eduaction is the great equalizer.

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tsimvkas · 3 months

Note

Okkkk I'm so ready to read this🤭🩷

“You’re breaking up with me?” you asked, confused. OPS

You laughed sarcastically, not knowing how to deal with what you were feeling. I LOVE HER

“This is for the best, Y/N” Mason sighed, looking tired. “I want the best for you” I CAN'T HATE HIM, CAUSE I KNOW🥺

After two years dating Mason, seeing the man you love in the verge of tears asking you for a break was the last thing you expected to see when you just moved together. OMG I FEEL SO BAD FOR HIM???

“You don’t get it” he rested his face on his hands, breathing deeply. He knows you wouldn't understand — you’re not inside his messy mind. But he wished you could at least believe he would always do what’s best for you, and right now he’s not. Right now, he’s the worst person you could have by your side. OH MY LOVE YOU'RE NOT🥺 SHE LOVES YOU

“It’s not like that, Y/N! Please… of course I still want you, and that’s why I’m doing this. I’m sorry that I don’t know how to explain” I'LL CRY

“This house is anything but mine” THIS HURT

“Right, so you want me to stay here to hear when you come back drunk after you fucked them somewhere else” OMG THIS HURTS

You didn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing you crying, so as soon as you grabbed most of your stuff in his bedroom you locked yourself in the guest room and finally let your emotions take control. OH MY GIRL🥺

“Don’t call me baby” you screamed at the closed door, hugging your pillow tighter. “I can’t even ask you to go away because we’re in your fucking house, the least you can do is leave me alone” YOUR HOUSE....

But he also knows he couldn’t take it back. You deserve more than he’s capable of offering to you right now, and he knows he can’t keep dragging you down with him. AI WANT TO HUG HIM AND NOT LET GO

After eating, you tried to go to Mason’s room to pick up any stuff you might have left there the night before, but the vision of his door made you feel like throwing up. How the fuck you were supposed to face this whilst living in the same house as him? OH I FEEL BAD FOR THE TWO OF THEMMM

But if you never felt good living on his money, then now you feel even worse. WE WANT AN INDEPENDENT WOMAN

Seeing that you were still making him breakfast and dinner every day made him feel even worse. Every time he was back from training, he entered his room wanting to cuddle and to let you comfort him, but then he was taken aback with the realisation of what he did. OMG THIS HURTSSS

But you were hurt. Really hurt. You know he’s been facing a hard time, but the fact he wanted a break from you made you insecure. It broke the blind trust you had in him. Y/N YOU SHOULD GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO TALK

It didn’t help that in the same week the tabloids instantly started talking about Mason and a mysterious girl, questioning if he was single or if he was cheating, and the fans started coming to your profiles, asking you about him. PERFECT TIMING

On a particular night, you had cooked his dinner and headed to your room, taking a long shower and getting ready for bed. You had just chosen what you would watch when your phone started buzzing with a FaceTime call from Mason’s brother. HELLO LEWWW

Lewis had no idea, but his words brought the worst kind of panic to your heart. You jumped out of the bed without even answering him and rushed outside, unlocking your door and running to the other side of the corridor before opening Mason’s room door to see that his bed was empty and messy. OMG GIRL NOOOO HE ISN'T CHEATING, HE WOULDN'T DO THIS

“What’s wrong?” Mason showed up coming from the kitchen and taking a few seconds to notice you were there. The sight of your confused face and the bags under your eyes made his heart hurt. He hadn’t seen you in so long… “Y/N-” OMG I'M CRYING

You shook your head, still feeling like you were choking on your tears. “I’m sorry. I thought ‘well, it must be bad if he’s not answering his own brother’, and then the possibilities terrified me” OH BABY

“No! No, his name will be everywhere tomorrow” OH GIRL SHUT UP

“Yeah, we saw it. That’s why we’re coming over, we we’re worried about how he’s dealing with it” POOR BOY

“Have you talked to her?” Mason frowned, following his brother. You could hear they talking and you hid your face with your arm so Mason couldn’t see you’ve been crying. HE PROBABLY FEELS LIKE SHIT

“What happened?” Mason asked, but no one answered him. “Y/N? Are you hurt?” OH MY GOD, MY BOY

“I’m taking her out of this house. I won’t let you treat her like that” Lewis kept talking with a firm tone whilst taking your skincare products and then looking for a few pieces of clothes. “She can stay at mum’s for a while” OH LEW DONT BE TOO HARD WITH HIM

“The whole family but my boyfriend” you laughed, DON'T HE LOVES YOU THE MOST

“Still, this is not an excuse to do what he did” Lewis interrupted, sitting on the other sofa. “If he’s lost, if he’s struggling, if he’s sad, he needs help. Pushing you aside it’s not the answer. No when you left your life for him. You lost things too” HE IS WISE😌

“Oh” Summer gasped. “This is why uncle Mase told me he was sad?” OMG?🥺🥺🥺

“We think Mase has been in a depressed state. Not depressive yet, but it won’t take long if nothing changes” MY LOVE

“We know Mason, Jaz. Of course I’m hurt, especially by the fact he preferred asking for a break instead of asking for help, but I’m not letting him by himself when he needs me the most” OK GOOD CHOICE Y/M

OHHHHH HE TEXTED HER🥺

Since you left Manchester, Lewis would send you a message every morning saying “Mase is asking about you, do I have permission to tell him anything?”, and the answer would always be “as long as you tell me how he is”. THAT'S CUTE

Lewis told you that the only reason why Mason hadn’t visited yet nor sent you any message was because he only wanted to talk with you when he was feeling more like himself again, and you respected it. I LOVE HIM

OMG FOUR MONTHS???

“Dad, please. I just wanna talk with her” you stopped in your tracks, feeling goosebumps all over your body. There’s no way you could not know this voice. HE IS HERE

“Sorry I didn’t text you, I was trying not to think about it so I wouldn’t give up. But I owe you an explanation” he bit his lower lip, and you could tell by his breath that he was trying not to cry. “Would you- could you listen? Even though this doesn’t change anything, I just need to know that you know what happened” I NEED TO HUG HIM

“You” he played with his fingers, trying to keep his hands to himself. “I couldn’t wait to see you. The idea that I’m losing you a little bit more everyday that you spend without an explanation is killing me. I know the blame is on me and I have no right to ask you anything, but here I am asking you to try to understand, because I miss you” 🥺🥺🥺🥺

“Don’t be silly” you reached for his hand, intertwining your pinkies to distract him from whatever he was feeling. “I already understand what happened, yeah? I don’t blame you” THE PINKIESSSSSS

“I don’t know how to describe it” he started. “But the last six months have been hard. First, I’m sorry I lied to you about this for four months, and I’m sorry I wasn’t being honest every time you asked me if I was good. I do trust you, and I know I should’ve told you, but I was scared” MY BABY

“The only thing that kept me going was you. You were the only person I still wanted to see, the only voice that wouldn’t annoy me. But soon I started thinking that if I really love you so much then I should let you go, because you were stuck with an unhappy man. A man that wasn’t taking you on date nights anymore, a man that wasn’t giving you attention. A man that wasn’t even making love with you” THIS HURTTTSSSSS

“I’m glad he took you, now. I was so involved in my own misery that I couldn’t see how bad it was affecting you. He told me that that day Jaz almost called an ambulance because you were on the verge of a panic attack. I’m so sorry. Do you know I never hooked up with anyone, don’t you?” YESSS

“I know I hurt you, and there’s not a single day from the past four months that I don’t feel like pushing my face for it, and I’m so sorry I made your days harder and sadder, and if I could I’d let you live your life away from me so you could be happy with someone who won’t hurt you, but I can’t. I can’t live without you and I just need one more chance so I can make it up to you” he finally looked at you again. “That’s what I’m here for. I want another chance, Y/N. In your own pace and you can decide everything, but please”YAYY

“Are you shy?” you teased, amused that you were still capable of making him feel like a teenager. SILLY GIRL

“But I want you to be my girlfriend” he pouted, and his sincerity made your entire body heat. He was still your precious boy, after all. HE IS A BABY

“No! I’ll pay for your hotel” his cheeks were burning. “I just need you around. Plus, how am I supposed to take you on a date if you’re too far away from me?” HE IS RIGHT 😌

“Come here” you asked him, smiling when he shyly got closer. “I’m really proud of you, Mason. Even though you needed help to get to a doctor, staying and getting better was your decision” YES YES YES

Mason was punctual, waiting for you exactly at seven. He kissed your forehead, not before making you feel undressed by his gaze, and gave you his arm to hold. SCREAMING

“This makes me incredibly happy, Mase” you squeezed his hand over the table, his face turning even more red. “I’m genuinely so proud of you, and I hope you know there’s no shame in asking for help and taking medicine. And even though he is indeed helping you, you’re doing the hard job” OH YESSSSS

“Really? This is amazing babe, you know I’ve always thought you were the most intelligent person I’ve ever met”😌

You had, actually. MANCHESTERRRR

“It was nice to me too” he kissed your forehead, smiling bigger when you raised your face to look him in the eyes. After a few seconds staring into them, Mason brushed his nose against yours. “Kissing on a first date it’s acceptable for you? I miss your kisses” MY BABY

You’ve always loved being in Mason’s arms and he never failed to make you feel secure whilst he was holding you, and soon the pair of you were practically sleeping. THIS IS CUTE

So after countless episodes and a sleepy Mason you turned off the television and searched for a more comfortable position, laying your head on his shoulder and crossing his body with your upper leg. TGEY ARE SHARING A BED🤭

“I’m sorry too, for not being there for you. I’ve been thinking about it since Portsmouth and fuck, I feel so stupid. How the fuck I didn’t noticed” you tried to speak, choking on your words. I QUESTIONNNN THIS TOO

“Happy, honestly. I’m happy, Y/N. I know I’ve fucked up with you and that we’re only here right now because you have the most generous heart, but I’m so happy that I’m here. I’m happy about the treatment, I’m happy at the club, and even though I don’t know how our future will be and if you’ll ever gonna be mine again, I’m happy that I got to hold you tonight” SHE IS YOURSSS

“But you will. And I bet I’ll hurt you sometimes. Relationships are like this, baby, but as long as we didn’t mean it then we can always talk about it and get back on track”TRUE

“Yeah, I’ll be your baby forever” he kissed your neck, squeezing your body tighter and pulling his face away so he could look in your eyes. “But I said what I said, you deserve better” OMG I'M SO SOFT

“I guess maybe that kiss doesn’t have to wait two more dates” you murmured, feeling genuinely happy when he instantly kissed you properly for the first time in so long.OPS🤭🤭🤭

OMG BESTIEEEEE

I'M AO PROUD OF YOU FOR THIS ONE CAUSE I KNOW HOW MUCH YOUVE PUT OF YOURSELF HERE

I HONESTLY WAS MAD AT Y/N? LIKE BESTIE HE IS SLEEPINGGG ALLLLL DAY LONG HOW CAN YOU NOT QUESTION ANYTHING??

BUT AT THE SAME TIME I FELT BAD FOR HER, CAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH EVERYTHING HURT HER

I FELT SO BAD FOR MASON, AND I WANT TO HUG HIM AND NEVER LET GO, BABY BOY WAS SO SAD😭😭😭

I LOVED THIS

THANK YOU SOOOOO MICH FOR WRITING AND SHARING THIS ONE WITH US IT WAS AN HONOUR READING IT😌😌🤭🩷🩷🩷

HAHAHAHA yeah i think we can be a bit mad at y/n but not too much!!! sometimes we just don’t check who we love as much as we should bc we’re living our own life’s, even tho she loves him a lot ☹️ im happy you liked it bestie i really like your approval 🫶🏻

#❀ — chase’s asks

0 notes

neonlights92 · 3 years

Text

GRACE: Chapter I

Kim Namjoon lost himself when he lost his hand. Things have not been the same for him since. When Taehyung tells him it’s time for him to marry - he isn’t exactly thrilled at the prospect of someone else having a front row seat to his struggle with himself.

That’s where you come in. You’re a nurse, as well as a member of Bangtan, and Taehyung is never more sure about a match than he is with you and Namjoon. Feeling like you’ve been chosen to help Namjoon on his journey back to finding who he is, you feel completely out of depth.

It’s only when you start to see the man underneath that you start to fall in love with Kim Namjoon. And maybe after all, you might be his saving grace.

WARNINGS: Language, eventual sex and some violence

A/N:Namjoonie’s story! ENJOOOOY :D

“Kim Taehyung wants to see you, Y/N.”

Your mother’s words dropped between the two of you, like lead. Her eyes avoided your own - and you knew exactly what she actually meant.

Kim Taehyung has found you a husband.

Your chest tightened and you gripped the handle of your coffee mug for dear life.

Your eyes traveled over to your father, his face kind but stern. This wasn’t up for debate.

“Okay.” The word was quiet, “Do I - do you…”

You took a deep breath and collected yourself.

“Who is he?”

The question hung in the air uncomfortably.

Your parents exchanged a look - the same look they’d exchanged your entire life when decisions were made for you and they were afraid you wouldn’t like it.

“I think we should let Taehyung tell you that.” Your father’s voice was steady, “As Capo, it is his right.”

As capo.

You didn’t know Kim Taehyung very well at all. Though the two of you were of a similar age - had grown up together in Bangtan - he had always been groomed for Capo. You on the other hand, had been groomed like most other women in the mob: to believe that your most important duty in life was to carry on your family line.

You knew it was outdated. And you hated it, though you’d never complain.

Life had taught you that complaints got you nowhere - and so you’d learnt to keep your head down and get on with it.

But that didn’t mean you’d never wanted more. That you’d craved freedom and independence like no other.

And when your parents had allowed you to study nursing at university you really had thought maybe things were changing. Until you’d realised that it had been a direct order from Taehyung’s father himself - the Capo at the time.

Bangtan needed their own nurse. Someone who could take care of things quietly and efficiently.

Someone who could help those who were badly injured find some degree of normality.

And that’s what you did.

Still. You loved your job - mob mandated or not.

“Okay.” You whispered, feeling something like dread wash over you.

“His wife has invited you to dinner at theirs,” Your mother finally moved her gaze to connect with your own, “This evening. Eight pm.”

You nodded, on autopilot.

This was what you’d done all your life, wasn’t it?

You listened to orders. You never asked questions. You never challenged Bangtan.

And if the Capo himself wanted to see you, then you knew it could only mean one thing.

He’d found you a husband. And tonight, you would meet him too.

You stood outside Kim Taehyung’s mansion -- because that’s what it was, a mansion -- nervously fingering the hem of your blouse.

This was it.

You’d waited twenty-five years for this moment - the moment someone else decided who you would marry.

You’d always known it would be like this. Your father was too powerful - he held too many cards too close to his chest - and Bangtan could never let someone like him choose his own daughter’s marriage.

He’d told you since you were a young girl to expect this. An arranged betrothal.

And when you were little you thought it was sort of romantic. Like some fairytale - a princess locked away in a tower and a knight who was destined to save her.

Except now you were older and it wasn’t all that romantic anymore.

It was stifling.

You knew your father had come to this agreement with Taehyung himself. You hated that you lived in such a misogynistic world, but it was the way things had always been.

After a long moment and a deep, calming breath, you lifted your hand and knocked, once.

There was a beat and then the portal swung open.

And Kim Taehyung’s wife was smiling widely at you. You forced your own lips up into a smile.

“Hi! Y/N, was it?”

You curtsied a little feeling foolish straight after, “Yeah. Hello Mrs Kim.”

“Ugh Mrs Kim is Taehyung’s mom,” She laughed, “You can call me ___.”

Her eyes were kind as she opened the door further and gestured you inside.

“Come in, please. Dinner is almost ready and the boys are too.”

The boys.

Your heart skipped a beat. For a moment you wondered if perhaps your father had somehow secured a marriage to the last available member of the Special Seven, Kim Namjoon.

But you shook your head.

Your father was important, of course… But surely not that important.

Besides, from what you’d heard through the grapevine - since the accident that had caused Namjoon to lose most of his hand - he had pretty much become a hermit. The rumour mill was rife, of course, with people’s theories of what would become of Bangtan’s most eligible bachelor.

Could it be that Kim Taehyung wanted you to take up that mantle?

“I hope you like pasta,” ___ interrupted your thoughts and you looked up as stopped in front of a large dining room, “We hardly ever use this room anymore, but Taehyung thought it was appropriate for tonight.”

Your eyes widened at the opulence of the room you were stood in. The chandelier that hung in the middle of the ceiling dripped with what you could only guess were the most expensive diamonds money could buy. The long, mahogany table was ornate and rich - a dark colour that spoke of wealth and taste.

“It’s a little much,” ___ spoke up again and you turned to see her rolling her eyes, “But it was like this when we moved in. Taehyung’s dad had a lot of money and apparently not a lot of subtlety.”

She laughed at the comment and you giggled too - relaxing a little as the tension eased from your shoulders slightly. It seemed you’d found something of an ally in Taehyung’s wife and you were thankful for that, at least.

“I know we don’t really know each other,” She started carefully, a perfectly plucked brow pulling up slightly, “But I like to think of myself as a confidant of sorts… Especially when it comes to matters of the heart.”

You raised your own brow, “Matters of the heart?”

She bit her bottom lip and you noticed the pity in her eyes.

As she opened her mouth to answer you, somebody cleared their throat to your left and your head snapped round, finding yourself looking up into the formidable gaze of Kim Taehyung.

He was alone, you noticed immediately, and you tried to keep your expression neutral.

This was the game of Bangtan. A game you’d grown up in.

A game you knew well.

“Taehyung,” You greeted, nodding gently, “Thank you for inviting me. It is an honour.”

His handsome face was cold - barely responsive as he nodded back to you, “Y/N. Welcome to our home.”

Our home.

The words warmed you.

It had been clear for a while now that Kim Taehyung’s only weakness was his wife. He would burn the entire world down for her - and you’d been told of this time and time again.

They had started off as an arranged marriage - almost six years ago now - when Taehyung’s father and his wife’s father had worked so closely with one another they had promised their children’s hand in marriage in an act of loyalty.

But things had changed in the years since.

It was well established that Kim Taehyung loved only one thing more than he loved Bangtan - and that was his wife.

You tried to focus on that - on the fact that loveless marriages could turn into something else - as ___ nudged her husband playfully.

“Don’t be so formal,” She teased and you couldn’t believe you were witnessing this exchange, “Y/N is a friend.”

Taehyung actually rolled his eyes playfully and smiled down at his wife, “I’m still Capo, darling.”

She laughed as well and your chest tightened. You wanted that.

The obvious love they had for one another - the way they seemed to be so comfortable with each other it was like they had found their home.

“Well dinner’s almost ready Taehyung so go and get cleaned up.” ____ said, slipping an arm through yours and leading you towards the ridiculous mahogany table, “Come sit over here, Y/N.”

You noticed for the first time that the table was set for four people.

Your heart pounded against your chest.

“Who is it?”

The question slipped out of you before you even had a chance to think it through. ____ froze. She was slipping into the seat beside you when her eyes turned to your own.

“What?”

“The fourth person,” You whispered, darting your eyes behind you to make sure Taehyung wasn’t within earshot distance, “My future husband. Who is it?”

____ looked genuinely distraught for a moment.

You clicked your tongue.

“I’m a member of the South Korea mafia, ____, I know how this shit works.” You noticed your words were a little sharp and you tried to soften them with a weak smile, “Just tell me who it is. Please.”

____ seemed torn. Her eyes roved your face carefully and she sighed.

“He’s a good guy.” She told you carefully, “Really. I’m not just saying that.”

Your heart dropped. The look in her eyes - the trepidation….

“It’s Kim Namjoon, isn’t it?”

A throat cleared itself loudly from behind you. You snapped your head to the side and watched as the man himself sauntered towards the two of you.

“You rang?” The sarcasm dripped from his tone as he stuck out his prosthetic hand for you to shake. You supposed he was expecting you to be disgusted - maybe to rebuke him - but you were made of stronger stuff than that.

You forced yourself to smile, “Hello Namjoon. I’m Y/N.”

He narrowed his eyes as you shook his prosthetic.

“I know who you are,” He raised a dark brow, “The future Mrs Kim Namjoon.”

The words were like heavy bricks - weighing down on your shoulders.

You knew next to nothing about this man. Despite what ____ had said about him being a good man all you saw was bitterness and anger in his eyes.

“You’re the nurse, aren’t you?”

You nodded carefully and tried to calm your pulse.

“Well now we know why Taehyung chose you for me. The cripple.”

____ cleared her throat and stood up abruptly. Her eyes were dark and angry and she shook her head at Namjoon.

“No. You don’t get to do that to her. Not when she had nothing to do with any of this.” Her bottom lip trembled slightly, “Apologise.” Namjoon’s face was a perfect mask of nonchalance. His eyes flicked between you and ____ and he shrugged.

“What for?”

____ squared her shoulders, “You know exactly what for, Kim Namjoon.”

“I think that’s enough now,” Taehyung entered the room sharply, standing between his wife and friend. His gaze fell on you after a moment, “I see the two of you have met.”

You nodded wordlessly, wondering just what in the hell was going on.

Namjoon was seething apparently, as he sulked to the left of his friend, arms crossed and eyes dangerously black.

“Was he not as welcoming as he’d promised he’d be?”

“This is ridiculous V, we both know that. You’ve chosen her because she’s a nurse and because of this,” He stuck his fake hand in the air and you refused to look away.

Nobody else in the room reacted for a moment.

Taehyung took a deep, calming breath.

“That was part of it, yes.” He said evenly, “Y/N is a trained nurse and therefore she can help you move forward with this. But she’s also a good match. Right age, right height… Her parents are wealthy and important like yours. It is a good union. I have told you this plenty of times Namjoon.”

“I will not marry her because of pity,” Namjoon spat the word out, “I’m not some fucking charity case-”

“I don’t pity you.” The words flew out of you and when three sets of eyes turned to fall on you, you wondered if it was the right choice. You chose to focus on Namjoon.

“What?”

“I don’t pity you,” You told him honestly, gesturing to his prosthetic, “What happened is awful, obviously. And I may never know the full extent of it. But I don’t pity you. You are a man with an obstacle in life. There are many men with obstacles in life. That doesn’t make you worthy of pity.”

Namjoon’s eyes searched your face for something - what you weren’t sure - and she sighed heavily. He seemed so tired. You noticed the bags under his eyes, the lines in his forehead. He was young - just a little older than you - and yet it seemed he’d aged so much recently.

“So you want to marry me? You want to marry a man who’s had to learn how to live - how to do normal every day things like eat with a knife and fork - all over again?”

You shrugged, “I want to do what’s best for Bangtan. If Taehyung says that’s a marriage between the two of us, then so be it.”

A long moment passed between the two of you.

Namjoon seemed to be sizing you up, and you took the opportunity to do the same.

He wasn’t ugly. Far from it. Kim Namjoon was tall and handsome - and from what you’d heard through the grapevine - he was also smart and kind.

People spoke about him of course - he was a member of the Special Seven - and what they said was normally very positive.

He wasn’t like other Bangtan men.

He was grounded. He was softer. A man who used brains instead of braun.

You had to admit, those traits were attractive to you.

Eventually, he spoke.

“Alright then.” He nodded and gave you a strange look - somewhere between admiration and confusion, “I suppose that says it all.”

Namjoon turned to Taehyung and nodded.

“We’ll get married at the earliest convenience.” _____ gasped from behind you but you barely registered the sound.

It had all been well and good in theory… But now what?

Kim Namjoon stuck his hand out to yours - his real hand made of flesh and bones - and smiled sardonically.

“Welcome to the family, Mrs Kim Namjoon.” You smiled back. Mrs Kim Namjoon.

You could do this.

Planning a wedding was easy when you weren’t trusted to do a single thing.

Kim Namjoon’s family had promised to take care of everything - and as a family higher up in the Bangtan hierarchy than your own - there had been no argument to be made.

This was the way things worked in your world, and you’d learned long ago just to accept it.

You barely saw your husband in the ensuing months. He dropped by once to meet your parents and officially ask for your hand in marriage, and once more since then to update you on the wedding arrangements.

But apart from that he was like a ghost - you even forgot sometimes that you were supposed to be marrying him.

You rarely thought about the fact that by the end of this year you would be Mrs Kim Namjoon and despite the relatively long engagement - six months was a long time in the world of Bangtan - you were happy you had the time to get used to the idea of marriage.

It wasn’t until one evening when Kim Namjoon came calling for you that the reality of the situation truly sunk in.

You were leaving work - it had been a particularly difficult day so far, and absolutely nothing seemed to be going smoothly. In fact everything today had felt like it was seconds away from falling apart and you felt like you too, were going to break down.

And as you made your way across the parking lot you found Kim Namjoon, leaning against your car. How he knew which one was yours was beyond you - but you smiled at him questioningly when you were within earshot.

“Hi.” He smiled almost sheepishly, “Hi.”

“What are you doing here?”

He crossed his arms and squinted one eye shut as he stewed in your question for just a moment. Then he sighed heavily.

“I’ve been an asshole.”

“Huh?” You raised a brow.

Namjoon groaned and clicked his tongue, “Are you gonna make this difficult for me?”

“What? No!” You shook your head and shrugged, “I just don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“The night I agreed to marry you I was a jerk. And we’ve barely seen each other twice since we got engaged two months ago.” He ran a hand through his hair, “I promised myself I wouldn’t be like that. So I’m sorry.”

You cocked your head to the side, shocked at the show of vulnerability. Namjoon was a Bangtan man - he should be cold and unforgiving - he should push away intimacy and hate the thought of opening himself up to anyone.

And yet here he was, apologising to you for something you’d assumed was just the way things were done when a marriage was arranged.

“Okay.” You nodded slowly, “I forgive you.”

He smiled softly and you found yourself thinking he really did look handsome like that.

“I’d like us to be friends at least,” He shrugged, “If nothing else.”

You smiled back, “Friends sounds good to me.”

“Good. Great. Thank you,” He gestured to your car, “So can you give me a ride home?” You gave him a questioning look, “How did you get here?”

“My driver dropped me off,” He lifted his prosthetic hand, “I can’t really drive anymore.”

There was a moment of almost awkward silence, but you refused to let something Namjoon couldn’t control, ruin the atmosphere. He’d apologised to you - he was making something of an effort - and you owed it to him to do your part.

“I can help you with that,” You told him, pointing at his hand, “Getting used to it. How long have you had it on for?”

“Half a year,” He looked away from you, “It’s still so uncomfortable.”

You took another step towards him and his eyes connected with yours.

“I don’t care.” You told him firmly, “I don’t care about the prosthetic. I swear. And I’m sorry it’s uncomfortable. I’m sorry it happened to you. But I’ll help you. I will. I promise.”

Namjoon’s eyes softened at your words and you were taken back by the way he was suddenly looking at you.

God. He really was so handsome.

“Okay.” He whispered, eyes darting across your face, “Yeah. Thank you. That would mean a lot.” The moment was suspended for another moment more, and you wondered if you might do something crazy like try and kiss him - before Namjoon cleared his throat and the spell was broken.

Jesus.

What was going on with you?

Your pulse was racing as you fumbled around your handbag for your keys and you told yourself the nerves were only because of the day you’d had. It had nothing to do with the handsome man standing in front of you.

“You’re going to have to give me directions to your house,” You told Namjoon as the car unlocked and you both climbed in, “I’ve never had the privilege of visiting.” He snorted a laugh, “It’s a two minute drive from Taehyung’s. If you drive that way I can guide you.”

“Sounds good.”

You buckled yourself in and tried to ignore the way your cheeks were flushing at the idea of you and Namjoon being in such a small space together, focusing instead on the feel of the steering wheel under your fingers, and trying as much as you could not to stare at him through the reflection of the mirrors.

That would be weird.

Weirder than you were suddenly being.

“How was work?” He asked you once you pulled the car out onto the main road.

You groaned, “Awful. Today was a bad one. We have them sometimes but it really lowers your self esteem. Some of my patients seemed like they couldn’t stand my face.”

Namjoon whistled lowly.

“I can imagine that wouldn’t be a very comforting atmosphere to be in.”

“No, not very,” You shrugged and shot him a look, “But that’s the nature of my job. Nurses are treated worse than doctors even though sometimes it feels like we do triple the work.”

Namjoon chuckled and you raised a brow, “What?”

“It’s just…” Out of the corner of your eye you saw him shake his head, “It’s like that with us sometimes. In Bangtan I mean. Taehyung is treated with so much respect and reverence - and he deserves it. Of course he does. But the rest of us… We work our asses off. And we barely get any recognition for it.” He pulled a face, “So I guess I’m trying to say I know how you’re feeling. Kind of.”

You let this information settle with you.

It made sense of course.

Bangtan was the biggest food chain of them all. The Capo demanded respect.

And in the little interaction you’d had with him, you saw how intimidating Kim Taehyung could be. Still. You imagined that had to be annoying.

“Doesn’t it piss you off?” He scoffed, “Of course it does. But that’s just Bangtan. That’s the job. We don’t do it for recognition anyway. We do it because we love Bangtan.”

You smiled at that.

It was exactly how you felt about your job.

“Yeah. I understand what you mean. As much as it sucks that I don’t always get the praise I feel I deserve… I don’t do it for that. I do it to help people.”

There was a heavy moment between you both. Namjoon seemed to be taking in what you’ve said and you found yourself thinking that if it’s this easy to talk to him you might catch yourself falling for your own husband.

“That’s a lovely way to put it,” You felt rather than saw his smile, “My house is just on this curb.”

You slowed the car down and turned to your fiance, surprised when you saw him already smiling at you.

“Thank you. For this.” His eyes were gentle and shimmering almost and you once again had to force yourself not to flush, “It’s been…. Nice.” You grinned back, “Alright. Don’t be a stranger.”

He laughed at that and shook his head.

“I won’t.” He gave you a warm look, “Goodbye Y/N. I’ll call you soon.”

You nodded, “Okay. Bye Namjoon.”

He smiled at you once more before climbing out of the car and waving goodbye at you.

And as you drove away all you could think of was this:

Kim Namjoon might very well be the best thing that could have ever happened to you.

#namjoon x reader #mafia au #arranged marraige au #smut #angst #romance #kpop #fanfic #fanfiction #imagine

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ibijau · 3 years

Text

Futures Past pt15 / on AO3

Nie Huaisang returns to the Unclean Realm after his failed year in Gusu

The Unclean Realm, usually a noisy place, had fallen nearly entirely silent as most of the disciples and quite a few servants gathered around its gate. They were all careful to keep a respectable distance from the gate in question, in case things went wrong, but still did their best to be close enough to get a good view. Not that it was particularly necessary to be near enough to hear what was happening. Nie Mingjue had a voice that carried, and it only got worse when he was angry at his brother.

Which he currently was, of course, and for good reason everyone thought. After all, Nie Huaisang had just returned from his time studying in the Cloud Recesses, though he’d apparently done little learning there.

But it wasn’t his failure to pass his exams that had his brother so upset. It was more the fact that on the way back home, Nie Huaisang had decided to leave on his own and disappeared for well over three weeks. The other Nie disciples travelling with him had just found a note on his bed one morning announcing that he didn’t feel like going home yet. They had panicked and sent an urgent message to their sect leader, who had also panicked and launched a search for his brother, in vain.

“You could have been kidnapped!” Nie Mingjue shouted at his brother, who had arrived that morning, looking as careless as if he’d just been gone for a shichen on an errand. “You could have been attacked by bandits! Did you even have your sabre with you?”

“Of course I did!” Nie Huaisang exclaimed, patting the weapon at his waist. “What was I going to do, walk around?”

“It would have been safer than flying in your case! What if you’d fallen?”

Nie Huaisang rolled his eyes. His cultivation had actually improved quite a bit while he was in the Cloud Recesses, if only because the Lans didn’t let him avoid training as much as his brother did. He was even quite close to forming a golden core, something he’d more or less given up on, and for which he hoped he’d get praised, whenever his brother calmed down enough to hear the news. So while he wasn’t the strongest of flyers, he was doing much better than he used to.

Not that Nie Mingjue was in any mood to hear that.

“I was careful, I swear,” Nie Huaisang sighed. “You’re always saying I should be more independent anyway!”

“Independent, not reckless! And who’s that?” Nie Mingjue roared, pointing at the person next to his brother.

That had been the question on everyone's mind since Nie Huaisang had arrived a little earlier, a boy much younger than himself walking at his side, but so far Nie Huaisang had avoided answering.

“Oh, that’s Xue Yang,” Nie Huaisang cheerfully announced, patting the young boy’s shoulder. “I picked him up along the way. You should test him, I really think he’s going to be a great cultivator someday! Xue Yang, that’s my brother, say hi to him?”

Xue Yang threw Nie Mingjue a very unimpressed look, and gave a half-hearted bow.

“It's an honour to meet Nie zongzhu,” he said with some uncertainty, probably wishing he hadn't been so close while Nie Mingjue shouted at his brother like that.

“Huaisang, where did you find that child?” Nie Mingjue asked.

“It’s a long story,” his brother said.

Nie Mingjue nodded, and waited for the story in question to be told. Nie Huaisang just smiled at him.

“Are you going to tell me how you found him?” Nie Mingjue insisted when nothing more came.

“No. It’s a long story, but it’s not very interesting. He’s here now, though, so that can’t be helped.”

Hearing this, Nie Mingjue turned his attention to Xue Yang, as if hoping he might get an explanation there. The young boy just gave him a wicked smile.

“He said I’d get candies if I came,” Xue Yang said. “Am I gonna get them now or what?”

Nie Mingju’s eyes snapped back to his brother.

“Huaisang, did you steal a child by offering him treats? You realise how bad that looks?”

“It’s not stealing when it’s a person,” Nie Huaisang protested, nervously twisting his fingers for a moment before hiding his hands behind his back. “And I think children count as people, not things. Right?”

“Fine. Did you kidnap a child?”

A little embarrassed, Nie Huaisang hunched his shoulder and looked down at his feet without answering. A mistake, it turned out, because Xue Yang took that as his cue to explain things.

“It’s okay, I don’t have a family anyway,” Xue Yang announced. “He asked before taking me with him, to make sure I’m an orphan. And your brother’s nice. He took me to all those nice inns along the way, and every time he made sure I had food and a bath. He said the baths were very important.”

Nie Mingjue glared at his brother who winced because that could indeed be misunderstood. Which was exactly why Xue Yang had said it like that, he suspected. But really, Xue Yang had been in a pretty bad state when Nie Huaisang had picked him up. His hair was nearly stiff with dirty, he’d recently bled all over his clothes, and he had lice, and...

“Fine, I guess I’ll have to tell the story,” Nie Huaisang grumbled. He had already come up with a sanitised version of events that he could actually share with his brother, but it still annoyed him to not be trusted more. “So, I wanted to visit Kuizhou, you see? Everyone says the landscapes around it are so gorgeous, and so melancholic, and they are by the way. I want to go back to paint and write and…”

“Focus, Huaisang,” Nie Mingjue ordered, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Yes, right. So, I went there,” Nie Huaisang said, playing with the hem of his sleeve. “And I was visiting and stuff, and then I see a grown man punching and kicking a kid! Just because the kid had grabbed a few things from him!”

“Yeah, it was just his purse, and there wasn’t even that much money in it,” Xue Yang helpfully provided. “Well, and a few buns from his stall, and those apples from the stall next to his, and…”

“Shut it,” Nie Huaisang hissed, before returning his attention to his brother, a bright smile on his face. “So, you always say we have to defend the weak, and nobody’s weaker than a kid, so I went to check what was going on, right? And the man told me that kid is a terrible thief that’s plaguing their town, and he’s going to beat him up until all his bones are broken and he can never bother anyone else. But it’s just a kid!”

“Yeah, I’m just a kid!”

“Shut it! Anyway, I rescued the kid, because he really was in a bad state. And then I figured, well, how can someone that’s just a kid be such a good thief, right? So I checked and he’s got good dispositions for cultivation!”

It had been a lucky realisation, because he hadn’t known for sure that Xue Yang even was meant to become a cultivator, nor a talented one for that matter. In fact, the whole thing had been unbelievably lucky. Sure Nie Huaisang had spent three whole days searching everywhere for Xue Yang, but he’d been about ready to give up when he’d finally found him in roughly the exact way he'd described.

“The local sect are a bunch of pricks who didn’t want to take him in when I asked,” Nie Huaisang explained, as if he could ever have left Xue Yang into the care of strangers who might have failed to stop him from becoming evil. “So I brought him home. He’s going to be a great disciple!”

Having listened to that story with mounting annoyance, Nie Mingjue glared at his brother.

“Huaisang, that’s…”

“You always say people deserve a chance no matter their background!”

“Oh so you do listen when I talk sometimes?”

“He’s an orphan, and he’s talented, and someone has to do something, and we can’t send him back or else he might continue stealing maybe!”

“I’ll definitely continue stealing if you send me back,” Xue Yang promised with a smirk.

Nie Huaisang glared at him. Evil or not, Xue Yang knew how to be annoying.

He also knew how to be charming, though. He’d been absolutely delightful with a bunch of people they’d met on the way to Qinghe whenever he’d thought he could get something out of it. And it had worked, too. Xue Yang had obtained a lot of sweets from a lot of people, as well as some money here and there. And that was without mentioning the stuff he’d just outright stolen, sometimes from the very people generously sharing something with him. He was a little pest, all right.

But he was smart too, smart enough to understand what an incredible opportunity he’d been given. It would have been easy for Xue Yang to run away into the night, taking with him all of Nie Huaisang’s money. He was a skilled enough thief to manage it, especially once he’d realised that Nie Huaisang wasn’t a skilled enough cultivator to pursue him. But he hadn’t, because he’d been promised a chance of becoming a cultivator if Nie Huaisang could just convince his brother.

Of course, that was a pretty big 'if'.

A year earlier, Nie Huaisang would have been certain that he could convince his brother of anything. He’d never had any reason to doubt that, not until his future self had come into his life uninvited and whispered poison to him about Nie Mingjue having a bad opinion of him. And maybe he was right, that old prick. Nie Huaisang had messed up so badly in the Cloud Recesses, failing his classes in a way most people never did. He’d shamed his sect, his clan, his brother, and now he had the galls of asking for a huge favour, as if he had any right to…

“How old are you?” Nie Mingjue asked Xue Yang, who shrugged.

“Dunno. I think I’m older than nine, maybe, ‘cause I remember that bad drought we had one year. But old Cheng says I’m probably less than twelve, ‘cause I don’t have all my teeth yet.”

To prove his point, Xue Yang clenched his jaw and bared his teeth. He was indeed missing one canine on the left, while the right one was just starting to regrow. It made for a very odd smile, and yet Xue Yang knew how to use that to look cute sometimes.

Cuteness wouldn’t work on Nie Mingjue though. Years of dealing with Nie Huaisang had made him nearly immune to it.

"What did my idiot brother tell you to convince you to come all the way here from Kuizhou?"

"He said I'd learn to be a cultivator, and people wouldn't beat me up ever again for stealing," Xue Yang recited. "And he said I'd have to learn to be good and stuff, because it's a second chance for an honest life, and I figured, well, it's better than the streets."

Nie Mingjue nodded, though he still looked severe enough that Nie Huaisang wasn’t sure yet of his victory.

"We have a certain way of doing things in my sect, and dishonesty isn't allowed. And I'll need to check if you can be taught at all. Come closer and give me your hand."

Xue Yang, impossibly cocky a moment before, suddenly hesitated and glanced at both Nie brothers before hiding his hands behind his back.

"Which hand ?"

"Either one, it makes no difference."

"It might a bit," Xue Yang grumbled before reluctantly raising both hands.

Nie Mingjue frowned when he noticed that one finger was missing, but Nie Huaisang took it to be an encouraging frown and finally relaxed. It expressed concern rather than anger, and that had to be a step in the right direction.

"That looks old," Nie Mingjue noted, grabbing Xue Yang's left hand to inspect it. "Hm. That's not neat enough to have been cut off. What happened to you?"

"Someone's cart ran over my hand on purpose," Xue Yang muttered, trying in vain to pull his hand free. "I was little. It's fine now, I swear!"

It was far from fine, actually. Xue Yang himself might not have realised it since he was used to it, but Nie Huaisang had noticed that the young boy favoured his right hand a lot more than was normal, even for a right-handed person. In another sect, that might have been a problem. But Qinghe Nie was more martial than most others, a little more reckless too, and they had their share of cultivators who'd had nasty accidents.

A missing finger in a stiff hand wasn't so bad compared to some people.

"We'll have to get you a light sabre," Nie Mingjue said, mostly to himself after a quick check of the boy’s meridians. "Something you can use one-handed, like Huaisang. And I'll ask our doctor to have a look at it. It looks painful."

"No, it's fine, I don't feel pain anymore," Xue Yang proudly announced as he pulled his hand free. "Trained myself out of it, mostly."

"You are definitely going to see Zhilan," Nie Mingjue replied, frowning harder. "Huaisang’s right, you do have potential, so we'll train you.” He turned toward their audience of disciples, and gestured for one man to walk closer. “Zonghui! Come and give that kid a tour, and a meal. When he's eaten, take him to see Zhilan, and have a bed prepared for him."

“I’m in?” Xue Yang asked, so startled that for once, he really did look his age.

He glanced at Nie Huaisang who grinned at him and nodded, then turned his eyes back to Nie Mingjue who nodded as well.

“You’re in. Go with Nie Zonghui, he’ll explain everything you need to know about being part of this sect.”

With surprising obedience that had to be a side effect of surprise, Xue Yang trotted away with Nie Mingjue’s first disciple. Nie Huaisang tried to follow, equal parts curious and worried about what might happen next if he lost sight of Xue Yang. He hadn’t taken two steps before Nie Mingjue grabbed him by the collar to stop him.

“And where are you going?”

Nie Huaisang pointed toward Xue Yang. His brother gave him a pointed look, and started dragging him in another direction, leaving him no choice but to follow or be strangled.

“I’m tired,” Nie Huaisang complained. Then, noticing that they appeared to be going toward the training grounds, he struggled against his brother’s grasp. “Wait, da-ge, I’m really tired, I mean it! We’ve had to walk so long, you know! We’ve only been able to hitch a ride on carts for some of the way, so I can’t feel my legs anymore for how much walking I’ve done lately.”

“If you’d come home directly from the Cloud Recesses, you’d have ridden in a carriage,” Nie Mingjue retorted without an ounce of pity. “Now let’s see if you’ve made any progress with your sabre, aside from using it to run away. We’re going to spar together.”

“I can’t, I’m so tired!” Nie Huaisang whined. “I’m going to die if I have to move! And you’re so much stronger than me, there’s no point in training together, the difference is too great! Da-ge, have some mercy, let me eat something first! Let me rest! And I need to change clothes too, and I really should check how my birds are, and…”

“Shut up you brat! This is your punishment for getting me so worried!” Nie Mingjue snapped, pushing his brother onto the softer soil of the training ground. “Do your warm-ups!”

“But I’m starving, da-ge!”

“That’s your own fault for running away!” Nie Mingjue replied, showing yet again he was the most cruel person in the entire world.

And yet as soon as Nie Huaisang started stretching in preparation for a friendly fight, Nie Mingjue asked a disciple to go ask the kitchens if they might send some fresh buns and a little tea that way. Aggravated as he was that his brother only cared about checking his cultivation and martial art progress, Nie Huaisang couldn’t help but smile.

After everything his older self had said about Nie Mingjue really despising him, he’d been worried that his brother would indeed be furious at him for everything he’d done, from failing his classes to forcing him to take in a miscreant. But no matter how shouty and frowny he currently was, it was clear to anyone who knew him, as his brother did, that Nie Mingjue was worried-angry rather than angry-angry.

Nie Huaisang had gambled and won, thus proving to himself that he definitely knew his brother better than his older self did.

#xisang #nie huaisang #nie mingjue #xue yang #mo dao zu shi #mdzs #jau writes #double time travel #this was almost a much longer chapter but I figured the next visit of future nhs could be posted on its own next week

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plaidbooks · 3 years

Note

Hey 🥰 could I request working with Sonny and you two used to date but broke up, you remained friends but never really got over each other and your end up going through a pretty bad time with work or personal stuff and you’re struggling mentally and not eating etc and when he realises he comes over to your place to check ur ok and you just breakdown and he tells u he still loves u and that it’ll always be u 🥺

Some Space

A/N: I am so sorry that this took so long! I was so burnt out of writing, but I'm here now! I hope that this makes up for the wait!

This takes place before Sonny joins SVU--and his timeline is a little wonky to make this fic work, but oh well.

Tags: death, shootings, blood, disassociation

Words: 2590

Taglist: @witches-unruly-heart @beccabarba @thatesqcrush @itsjustmyfantasyroom @permanentlydizzy @ben-c-group-therapy @infiniteoddball @glowingmess @whimsicallymad @lv7867 @storiesofsvu @cycat4077 @alwaysachorusgirl @glimmerglittergirl @joanofarkansass @redlipstickandplaid @reading--mermaid @dreamlover31 @averyhotchner @mrsrafaelbarba @detective-giggles @crowleysqueenofhell

“So, do you wanna move in together?” Sonny asked while you cuddled on his couch. You turned to look at him, and his face fell as he saw your expression. “…you don’t?”

You sighed. “It’s not like I don’t love you, Sonny, because I do. It’s just…I mean, we’re still in our mid-20s. I want a little more, uh, freedom before I settle down, you know?”

“I’ve known since we started dating in high school that I was in for the long term. I was thinking of maybe…I don’t know, getting married…having kids…. Now that we’ve settled into patrol, I thought it would be the perfect time to take the next step,” he muttered.

You sat in silence, debating. You loved Sonny, and you did want to marry him…someday. Not right now. You’ve barely lived any of your life; hell, you lived at home still. Sonny had his own apartment, but you didn’t want to go from living with your parents to living with him. You wanted space, time to figure out who you really were. And you didn’t think you could do that with Sonny. If he couldn’t give you your independence, if you both wanted different things, then you were going to have to break up with him, as much as it would break your heart to do it.

“Listen, Sonny, I need to live my own life for a little bit, discover myself. I-it’s nothing wrong with you, I promise—”

“Are you breaking up with me?” he asked softly.

Hearing the words out loud made tears form in your eyes. “I…yes, I guess I am. At least until I find myself…. I’m so sorry, Sonny. I’ll always care about you. We can still be friends?”

“Y-yeah…okay, sure. I…yeah…” he trailed off, unwrapping his arms from around you. You both sat there awkwardly, and the tension was thick. You stood, moving to grab your jacket, and Sonny followed you to the front door.

“This isn’t…goodbye. I promise you, Sonny Carisi. It’s just—”

“See you later?” he finished.

You gave him a smile, and a kiss on the cheek. “Yeah. I’ll see you later.”

*****************************

That was months ago now, and you had transferred out of Staten Island patrol, unable to see Sonny every day, those big, sad blue eyes trying to avoid your gaze. Now, you worked for Brooklyn, an officer in their Homicide department. You settled in quickly, and you found a cheap-ish apartment in Brooklyn.

It was nice living by yourself, and you highly enjoyed it. You missed Sonny dearly, but you thought it was too soon to reach out. Your heart still strained when you thought about the breakup, so you kept your distance. But it was getting easier and easier to let those feelings fade away in your new line of work. Brooklyn Homicide was a lot busier than Staten patrol, and you got along great with your partner, Drew Zimmer.

“We keep making these busts, and we’re gonna make detective in no time,” Drew said, grinning at you.

You smiled back as you shoved a cuffed perp in the backseat of your squad car. “Then we get paid halfway decently for doing much of the same as we are now.”

“Plus, normal clothes! Not this suffocating police uniform.”

You agreed, then moved to the front seat, Drew sliding in behind the steering wheel. You and Drew were close, but you never crossed a line. He was engaged to his high school sweetheart, something that made you slightly sad. Sonny was your high school sweetheart, and you wondered how different your life would’ve been if you moved in with him.

*************************

As Drew predicted, you both made detective later that year. You were officially the youngest detective, having moved up the ranks so quickly. You both went out for drinks to celebrate, and you had the wild impulse to invite Sonny. It had been almost a year since you broke up, and you could finally think about it without tearing up. But would he be okay with it? You fought the idea, putting your phone back in your pocket.

“Everything okay?” Drew asked, seeing the look on your face.

You shot him a fake smile. “Fine, fine. Just…thinking. Don’t worry about it.”

He gave you a hard, knowing look, as if he could read your mind. You had told him about Sonny, but you didn’t want to bring the celebration down. Instead, you took your glass and cheers him before taking a sip.

You jumped when your phone rang, and you pulled it out of your pocket. Your Captain’s name flashed across the screen, and you answered with a brisk voice. Drew watched and listened, then sighed when you said that you were both on your way.

“What do we got?” he asked, putting money on the table and standing.

You pulled your jacket on, heading for the door. “Body found in Prospect Heights. You okay to drive?”

“Sober as a fox.”

*************************

You both showed up quickly, seeing the officers who called in the body. Drew parked, and you made your way over. One of the officers started walking you both through the details when a gunshot rang out from down the alley that the body was in. Instinct took over as you hid behind a wall of the building, grabbing the closest officer to you and pulling them with you. Gunshots echoed in the alleyway as someone—or someones—unloaded on the entrance to the alley.

Drew was on the other side of the alleyway, and one of the officers was flat on their back, blood leaking from a bullet hole in their head. You ordered the officer next to you to call for backup, then waited until the gunfire stopped. Taking a chance, you snuck a quick peak. There were three individuals at the end of the alley, making their way quickly towards you.

You motioned to Drew, letting him know, before you reached your hand around the corner, firing blindly in an attempt to at least slow their advance. With the cover fire, Drew came halfway around the wall, actually aiming his gun as he fired.

“You got one of them,” he informed you. He got a few shots off before a bullet went through his neck, knocking him off his feet.

“Drew!” you screamed before whipping around the wall, shooting with deadly precision. There was only one man still standing—Drew must’ve got one before going down—and you shot him quickly. Then you dropped to your knees by Drew’s rasping form. You ripped off your jacket, pressing it to the bloody wound.

“Stay with me Drew, do you hear me? You have a fiancée to go home to,” you ordered, trying desperately to stop the bleeding. “Call a bus!” you yelled at the officer, who was staring in shock.

Drew reached up, grabbing your wrist. “T-tell Steph I—I love her…please,” he gasped, voice weak.

“You’re going to tell her yourself when you see her, okay?” you said, trying to smile at him.

He shook his head. “Tell her…please. I-I—” Drew let out a death rattle before laying still.

“No! No! Live, damn you! You can’t die on me, Drew! W-we’re partners!” you screamed. But he was gone. Tears spilled down your cheeks as you leaned over him.

Time meant nothing as you knelt there. You had no idea when the ambulance arrived, nor when your Captain showed up. You’re not sure who moved you away from Drew’s lifeless body, and you didn’t notice how you ended up at the hospital. You were still covered in Drew’s blood as the nurses ran tests, making sure you were uninjured. Your Captain ordered you to take time off, and you didn’t hear him, didn’t argue. You blinked and you were home, sitting on your couch, a bottle of whiskey in front of you.

***************************

IAB had been delayed by your Captain, but eventually, you had to face them. You couldn’t recall what they asked, or what you answered. The first emotion you felt in days was fleeting anger; the body that you had been called to investigate was left as bait. The men who shot at you, who killed your partner and an officer, were part of a gang, attempting to become cop killers. It was all a ruse to kill whichever cops arrived on the scene. Drew, one of the nicest, most genuine people you’ve known, was killed for street cred. But your anger soon disappeared, just like everything else.

***************************

It had been a week since Drew died in your arms. You visited his fiancée—she had already been informed of her love’s death—but you had to see her, pass on his final words. You held her as she cried, but you had no tears left. You felt nothing; you were just a shell. You stopped eating, stopped showering, stopped drinking, even water. You stopped sleeping; you just passed out nowadays, at any and all times of the day, wherever you happened to be laying. Your Captain called you a few times, trying to get you into therapy, but you never left your apartment.

One night, there was a knock on your door. You moved on phantom feet, unlocking and pulling your door open. You felt a dull punch to the gut as Sonny stood on your doorstep.

“H-hey doll…. I heard about your partner, and I thought I’d check up on you,” he said softly.

You nodded, not even attempting to fake a smile. “I’m fine,” you said in a monotone voice, ready to close the door on him. But Sonny was quicker.

“No, you’re not.” And with that, he pushed into your home. “When was the last time you’ve eaten? Washed? Brushed your teeth? Anything?”

You had no answer for him, and he quickly went to your kitchen, pulling open your fridge. Normally, you’d follow him, but instead, you went and collapsed on your couch, your legs unable to hold you up anymore.

Sonny came out with a glass of water. “Drink that,” he ordered, then stood there until you did. “Most of your food has gone bad; I’m going to run to the store. While I’m gone, I want you to shower, okay?”

You didn’t nod, made no indication that you had heard him. He ran a hand through his hair, hating seeing you like this.

“Okay…if you can shower, please do. Otherwise, just at least…drink another glass of water, okay?” He took the glass from your hand, refilled it, then came back and handed it to you. “I’ll be right back.”

You were unsure for how long he was gone; you dimly heard him come back. Sonny went to your kitchen with full grocery bags, and soon, the sounds and smells of cooking emanated from within. He came out soon after—or maybe it was longer, who knows?—with a plate of food.

When he noticed the full glass of water in your hand still, he shook his head, then sat next to you. You didn’t fight him as he fed you small bites, nor as he raised the glass of water to your lips. You tasted nothing as you ate half the plate. Sonny was afraid to make you sick with too much food at once, so he put the rest back in the kitchen. Then, he pulled you to the bathroom. He undressed you, then himself, before guiding you into the shower. The hot water brought you partly to your senses, just enough to feel Sonny’s hands washing your hair and body.

“You may have to get your hair cut short—it’s pretty damaged from lack of care,” he muttered, trying to work the knots out with his fingers. You nodded gently, letting him care for you. Once done, he wrapped you in a towel, patting you dry. Then, he took your toothbrush and put paste on it before handing it to you, lifting your hand to your mouth.

“Brush,” he softly ordered, and you did.

After finishing up in the bathroom, Sonny tugged you to your room, where he dressed you in your pajamas. Then he pushed you down into the bed.

“Sleep, okay? I’ll stay here with you until you fall asleep,” he promised.

You laid on the pillow, and fresh tears came to your eyes. “He died in my arms,” you muttered.

Sonny’s expression softened. “I heard, doll. There was nothing more you could’ve done. Just rest now.”

As promised, he sat next to you until you drifted off, your hand in his.

*******************************

Sonny practically moved in with you after that, just until you could take care of yourself. He took you to a therapist, and a hair salon. He made you meals and made sure you drank water. At first, he would shower with you and made sure you brushed your teeth; those were the two things you started doing yourself the quickest. It took you a few weeks to break out of the shock-induced disassociation you were experiencing. Eventually, you started helping Sonny cook in your kitchen, and doing small chores around your apartment.

“Thank you, Sonny, for everything,” you said one night while you were eating dinner.

He smiled at you. “Of course, doll. I care about you.”

“I care about you, too. I—I should’ve called you earlier. I was just afraid that it was too soon.”

His smile faltered slightly. “I understand. I…it’s probably still too soon….”

“What do you mean?”

Sonny put his fork down, looking everywhere but at you. “Look, I’ve…I thought that enough time had passed, especially when I heard about your partner—” you flinched at the mention of Drew— “but when you opened the door and I saw how much it affected you, I realized that…I still love you, have always loved you. You were literally wasting away, and I couldn’t stand by and watch.”

You froze, not in shock at him, but at yourself. Because hearing the words out loud, you knew that you loved him, too.

“I’m sorry; you don’t need this right now. The last thing you need on your mind is—”

“I love you, too, Sonny. God, I love you so much,” you replied, throwing your arms around him, and leaning against his side.

He hesitated a moment before he wrapped an arm around your back. “Are ya sure? You’re going through some pretty traumatic stuff right now. Your emotions going a little haywire.”

“I’m sure. I-I was afraid to call you because I couldn’t handle seeing you. Because I never got over you.”

Sonny nodded. “I never got over you, either. Look, if you still want your space, I can live with that, as long as I don’t lose you again. I never want to lose you again.”

“I don’t want to lose you, either. I love you; I want to marry you one day. Let’s just…see how it goes, okay? I’ve learned a lot just in the year we’ve been apart—”

He cut you off with a kiss, his lips soft against yours. He felt so familiar, so much like home, and you realized how much you had really missed him. You kissed him back, holding him to you. He leaned his forehead against yours, lips brushing over yours.

“We’ll figure out the details later. Right now, I just want to get to know you again,” he breathed.

You nodded. “Please, yes. I want to remember you, Dominick.”

He pulled you closer, promising his whole self to you in a searing kiss.

#sonny carisi x reader #law and order svu #law and order svu fanfics #fanfic #my writing

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inevitably-johnlocked · 3 years

Note

Hello Steph 😊 Do you have any BAMF Molly or just some good fics that feature Molly? I need some Molly love at the moment because I just read a fic where she "turns to the drak side" so to speak, and my heart 😭😭😭

Hey Nonny!

Ah I did a few comm. recs lists recently with Molly, but here are what I can offer you from memory, LOL. PLEASE add your fave Molly fics, guys! PLEASE NOTE these are fics I’ve read, and please check the sub-headings for a TONNE of stuff I haven’t read!! Big title so I can find it later LOL.

MOLLY PLAYS A ROLE

See also:

COMM RECS: Coming Out To Molly

COMM RECS: Molly with Women

COMM RECS: Molly and Greg Push John and Sherlock Together

COMM RECS: Molly as a Villain

Santa Knows by Itsallfine (T, 1,719 w., 1 Ch. || Christmas Party, Love Confessions, First Kiss, Fluff, Matchmaking, POV Sherlock, Pining Sherlock) – Sherlock and John both get exactly what they want from the Yard's secret Santa exchange. Pure holiday fluff.

What John Doesn't Know (Won't Hurt Him) by blueink3 (NR [T], 4,392 w., 1 Ch, || S3 Fix It, Pining Sherlock, Snippets of Life, Hurt/Comfort, Scars, Fluff and Angst, Five and One, Hopeful Ending, POV Sherlock) – Five people who see Sherlock's scars before John Watson. But Sherlock's secrets were never something he could keep from his blogger for long.

Thirty Three Hours Without John Watson by Bookaholic, mybrotherharry (M, 6,232 w. || First Kiss / Time, Pining Idiots, BG Mystrade, Crackish) – Sherlock can SO TOTALLY survive without John Watson. It should be a piece of cake. AKA the time when Sherlock braved grocery store lines for milk, purchased and gave away a box of tampons and figured out what the X-Factor is. Greg and Mycroft didn’t sign up for this shit. Next time, they are going to the Bahamas.

Wonderful, Etcetera. by VictoryCandescence (T, 16,955 w., 3 Ch. || Wonderful Life AU || Alternate Timelines, Brotherhood, Homophobia, Suicidal Ideations, Mentions of Drug Use, Friendship, Different TRF, Sherlock’s Past, Victor Trevor is Past Boyfriend, Depression, Hallucination, Love Confessions, Christmas, First Kiss) – Sherlock thinks everyone would be better off if he had never existed, including and especially himself. When he finds himself in a world in which his wish has been granted, he begins to think perhaps even he could be wrong – but it takes an unlikely chaperone to make him not only observe, but understand.

Insanity in the Middle by DotyTakeThisDown (E, 28,010 w., 8 Ch. || Equestrian Sports AU || Alternate First Meeting, POV John, Pining John, Bottomlock, Clueless Sherlock, First Kiss/Time, Passionate Kisses, Hand Holding, Caught Making Out, Bed Sharing, Spooning, Blow Job) – John is a world-class eventing rider with a gold medal and several four-star wins to his credit, but he's never won at Rolex. Sherlock is an up-and-coming rider taking the sport by storm.

Love or What You Will by miss_frankenstein (T, 31,987 w., 11 Ch. || College/Uni AU || Professor John, Ph.D Student Sherlock, Pining John, Poetry, Falling in Love / Slow Burn, Light Angst, Happy Ending) – John is an English professor who specializes in War and Post-War Literature and Sherlock is the brilliant yet impossible Ph.D. student assigned to be his TA because no one in the Chemistry Department is willing to put up with him. And - somewhere between Waugh and Plath, e-mails and takeaway, novels and villanelles - they fall in love.

The Wrong Wagon by DancingGrimm (E, 35,663 w., 20 Ch. || Alternating POV, Molly/ John [Molly pines for John], Public Sex, Casual Sex, Obliviousness, BAMF!John, Awkwardness, Angst & Humour, First Time, Virgin Sherlock, Jealous Sherlock) – Molly sees John in a new light and realises that she may have hitched her horse to the wrong wagon...or something like that. John pines for Sherlock and worries what he will think if he ever finds out. And Sherlock doesn't know what Molly's up to...but he knows he doesn't like it.

The Pieces That Fall to Earth by Itsallfine (M, 49,513 w., 84 Ch. || S4 Fix-It, Epistolary, Love Confessions, Slow Burn, Parentlock, Past Abuse, Coming Out, Internalized Homophobia, Questioning Sexuality, Mental Health Issues / Therapy, Angst, Happy Ending) – John and Sherlock have hit rock bottom, but with all their armor stripped away, they can finally speak honestly, seek healing, and find the truths that matter most. An epistolary post-s4 fix-it fic. Now complete. (This fic is rated T except for one very clearly marked and easily skippable chapter, which is rated M.) Part 1 of The Pieces that Fall to Earth

floating through a dark blue sky by Lediona (M, 58,966 w., 15 Ch. || Notting Hill AU || POV John, Celebrity Sherlock, First Date / Time / Kiss, Past Drug Addiction, Angst with a Happy Ending) – Of course, I’d seen his films and always thought he was, well, brilliant -- but, you know, a million miles from the world I live in. Or, when John is the owner of a travel book shop and the famous Sherlock Holmes stops in one day.

This Thing All Things Devours by cypress_tree (E, 63,844 w., 15 Ch. || In Time AU || Science Fiction, Dystopian Universe, First Meetings, Action / Adventure, Romance) – In 2169, time is money—literally. Humans are genetically engineered to stop aging at 25, when the numbers on their arm start counting down from one year. When that time is up, they die. The only way to get more time is to earn it, borrow it, or steal it.John Watson lives day-to-day in the crowded slums of Zone 13. He never imagined living any differently—until he meets the practically-immortal Sherlock, and helps him on a case to track a local time-thief...

Northwest Passage by Kryptaria (E, 95,157 w., 27 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Canadian AU || BAMF!John, Canadian John, PTSD, Anal / Oral Sex, Rimming, Emotional Hurt / Comfort, Drug Rehab, Falling in Love, Pining Sherlock, Love Confessions, Sherlock’s Violin, Panic Attacks, Switching, Anxious / Protective Sherlock, Hugs for Comfort, Suicide Mentions, Healing Each Other) – Seven years ago, Captain John Watson of the Canadian Forces Medical Service withdrew from society, seeking a simple, isolated life in the distant northern wilderness of Canada. Though he survives from one day to the next, he doesn't truly live until someone from his dark past calls in a favor and turns his world upside-down with the introduction of Sherlock Holmes." Part 1 of Tales from the Northwest

The Stars Move Still by BeautifulFiction (E, 96,022 w., 5 Ch. || Magical Realism, Demons, Slash to Pre-Slash, AU, Happy Ending, Souls) – "What could I want so desperately that would make me sell my soul? What could possibly compel me to surrender the part of myself that makes me who I am: the source of my magic, my self-control, everything?”

Definitions by siennna (T, 101,528 w., 12 of ? Ch. || Dev. Rel., Pining, Fluff and Romance, First Kiss, Love Confessions, Fluff, Cuddles, Girl’s Night, Texting, Virgin Sherlock, Drunk Sherlock, Background Mollstrade, Hair Petting, Laying on Lap) – Sherlock’s journey in defining his flat mate and stumbling through the muddled world of emotion. {{This feels complete; the chapter count is listed as ? but I feel like it is done}}

between each beat are words unsaid by darcylindbergh, hudders-and-hiddles (T, 107,998 w., 215 Ch. || Epistolary, Slow Burn, Friends to Lovers, Angst, Happy Ending) – On their wedding night, John and Sherlock gift each other with the things they each said when the other could not hear, the things they each put down where the other could not see: a collection of writings that illustrate the way their love for one another has grown over the years. Part 1 of between each beat

The Burning Heart by May_Shepard (M, 119,150 w., 21 Ch. || Canon Divergence, Post-TRF, John’s Sexuality, S3 Rewrite, Pining, Angst with a Happy Ending, POV John Watson, John’s Gay) – When Sherlock dies, John Watson feels like his life is over too. He’s completely shut down, until Mark Morstan, a new nurse at John’s medical clinic, catches his attention, and helps him uncover the long buried truth of his attraction to men. Although he’s certain he’ll never get over Sherlock, John plans to move on, and build a new life with Mark, unaware that Sherlock is not quite as dead as he appears, and that Mark is hiding secrets of his own.

A Further Sea by i_ship_an_armada & ShinySherlock (E, 125,492 w., 23 Ch. || Historical Pirates AU || Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Doctor John / Pirate Captain Sherlock, Sailing, UST / RST, Masturbation, Action / Adventure, Mild Angst & Peril, Romance, Shaving, Molly/Janine, Bottomlock, Hand / Blow Jobs, Past Drug Use, Slow Burn, Mild Violence, Facial Shaving, Happy Ending) – Here be a tale of adventure for both body and soul, but beware if ye be not of stout heart, for this be piratelock, ya savvy? Luckless ship's surgeon John Watson takes a chance, and finds himself eye to eye with The Ghost, the scourge of the seven seas and a definite thorn in the side of the blaggard, James Moriarty. But when John finds there's more to this most cunning pirate than be meetin' the eye, he has to choose... is it a pirate's life for him?

The Horse and his Doctor by khorazir (T, 129,003 w., 13 Ch. || Horse / Vet AU || Magical Realism, Horses, Vet John, Horse Sherlock, Implied Alcoholism) – Invalided after a run in with a poacher in Siberia, veterinary surgeon John Watson finds it difficult to acclimatise to the mundanity of London life. Things change when a friend invites him along to a local animal shelter and he meets their latest acquisition, a trouble-making Frisian with the strangest eyes and even stranger quirks John has ever encountered in a horse.

Performance In a Leading Role by Mad_Lori (E, 156,714 w., 21 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Hollywood / Actor AU, Secret Relationship, Falling in Love, Slow Burn, Romance, Coming Out, Fluff and Angst, Pining) – Sherlock Holmes is an Oscar winner in the midst of a career slump. John Watson is an Everyman actor trapped in the rom-com ghetto. When they are cast as a gay couple in a new independent drama, will they surprise each other? Will their on-screen romance make its way into the real world? Part 1 of Performance in a Leading Role

Mise en Place by azriona (M, 161,004 w., 28 Ch. || Restaurant (Kitchen Nightmares) AU || Sherlock is Gordon Ramsay / Celebrity Sherlock, Restauranteur John, Harry Plays Prominent Role, Alternating POV, Mutual Pining, Cranky Sherlock, Bed Sharing, Slow Burn) – John Watson had no intentions of taking over the family business, but when he returns from Afghanistan, battered and bruised, and discovers that his sister Harry has run their restaurant into the ground, he doesn't have much choice. There's only one thing that can save the Empire from closing for good – the celebrity star of the BBC series Restaurant Reconstructed, Chef Sherlock Holmes. Part 1 of Mise en Place

#steph replies #johnlock fic recs #molly fics #molly plays a role #my fic recs #Anonymous #long post

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petri808 · 3 years

Text

Nalu Yakuza Au *cover art by @jmoart214 💜

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 |

This chapter came out a little longer than usual. lemony teasing

Natsu’s secretary called her boss from the front office. “Mr. Dragneel, Mr. Avatar is here.”

“Thank you, Ms. Kinana. Send him in.”

Because no one in the organization was a computer whiz, he contracted with an independent IT person who was recommended by Yura. The guy, Jerome Avatar wasn’t skittish, didn’t care who he worked for as long as it paid well, and generally had a pleasant demeanor. As the accountant, Yura was in contact with Jerome the most, but for any major issues or changes, those had to be cleared with Natsu first. It was mostly quick, in and out of the office dealings.

Jerome shook Natsu’s hand over the desk before taking a seat.

“So,” Natsu questioned, “what brings you here today? Is there something I need to approve?”

“No, nothing new. I asked for this meeting because I came across some intelligence you might be interested in.”

“Oh?”

“I learned that your rival Heartfilia had been in contact with a new cyber security client, Mikage Kaishā who’s into a lot of shady dealings with government contacts.”

Natsu shrugged his shoulders. “Sounds like just a typical client for her, probably has her launder money for them. I don’t really pay attention to her clients because we deal with different things. But I do appreciate you telling me.”

“Should I keep an eye on them?”

“That’s fine if you believe it’s worth it. And if you learn about anything that could hurt us let me know immediately. By the way, how did you find out this information?”

“A friend in the field told me about it, then I hacked into Heartfilia’s computers to authenticate the information.”

Natsu sat forward in his chair. “You hacked into her computer? I’m surprised her employee didn’t catch that, cause I know she’s good at this stuff too.”

The man grinned. “Well, not as good as me.” He pointed to Natsu’s laptop. “If you’d like, I can set it up so you can access her system from your computer too.”

“Oh, I don’t want to tamper with her company—”

Jerome waved a hand nonchalantly to stop him. “I wouldn’t advise it either, if you touch things, that’s what’ll get attention, but you can watch what’s going on. Keep an eye on her calendar, meeting dates, whatever you want.”

Natsu sat back, rubbing his chin. The offer was a very tempting one indeed. A chance to stalk his ex through cyberspace… someone must have mentioned to this Jerome guy their history. It wasn’t exactly hidden, but not something talked about either amongst lower ranking employees. This wasn’t the first time Jerome had brought them intelligence info, so maybe he was looking to increase his usefulness, climb the ladder so to speak? Being connected to a powerful Yakuza house was certainly handy, and what better way than to tap into such a personal subject.

“That could be interesting,” Natsu finally responded. “Alright, what do you have to do to set it up? And make sure it’s nothing I could screw up accidentally cause I really don’t want her to find out.”

Jerome looked at his watch as if calculating his options. “I could do it now. Might take me about an hour if you can go without the laptop for that amount of time.”

“You have to take it back to your office or something?”

“No,” the man shook his head. “I can do it right here, so I can explain along the way.”

“Perfect.” Natsu then called his secretary and requested she double his lunch order due to an extended meeting.

While the computer tech fiddled, Natsu just sat back with his meal, watching him work. Math wasn’t his strong suit— nor academics for that matter. Growing up, his father had always told him he would be next in line as boss, so he only learned what he needed to for that world. One needed strength, cunning, street smarts, not book smarts. Though he had to admit the things these hackers could do was scary when you thought about it. Lucy was lucky in that her best friend was just a wiz at language— including computer languages. It all looked like gibberish, but the woman interpreted it almost like a savant. According to Jerome, from what he’d seen so far, Levy was not yet at his skill level, but that could easily change with time and experience like he’d been through.

“Natsu you—” Gray paused his knock on the doorframe. “Sorry, I thought the meeting would be done by now.”

“It’s fine, Jerome is hacking Lucy’s system for me right now.” Natsu responded with a grin. “Now I’ll see what she’s up to in real time.”

Gray groaned and ran a hand down his face in disgust. “I’m not even gonna respond to that. But I will tell you I told you so when it blows up in your face later.”

“Tch. She won’t know, right Jerome?”

“She shouldn’t unless you touch something.” The man answered while continuing to type.

“See. It’ll be fine.”

“You’re an idiot. Anyway,” Gray waved a hand nonchalantly as he left, “call me when your free to go over the new orders.”

“It will be fine, right?” Natsu asked Jerome a second time with a bit of anxiety in his tone.

Jerome stopped typing. “As long as you just observe they shouldn’t see you, just don’t get excited and touch something.”

“I don’t plan to; not like I’ll know how to do that anyways.”

“I’m almost finished, but do you want me to turn on her web camera so you can see through it?”

“But she won’t see me?”

“No, for you it’ll just be like watching a one-way video feed with image and audio.”

After a momentary pause, Natsu’s eyes narrowed with a mischievous grin. “Do it.”

Being able to see Lucy every day and feed his addiction was just too tempting, ‘I’m turning into a junky.’ But Gray’s words entered his mind. What if the man was right, could this bite him in the ass later? Probably… Though how bad could it really be? He really had no plans to interfere with Lucy’s business, just her personal life— and yes, he knew it sounded horrible. What right did he have to stalk his ex? None. ‘I just worry about her, is that so wrong?’ Lucy’s tough, but she’s just a woman and their world didn’t always treat women fairly. His desire to protect her bordered neuroticism, but could anyone blame him considering the underworld they worked in. ‘I’m just doing it to protect her,’ Natsu justified it to himself. Guys like Gray who haven’t fallen in love yet, ‘they just don’t understand.’ If anything were to happen to Lucy, he didn’t know what he would do. Probably move Heaven and earth and kill any in his way for what they’d done.

It took just over an hour before Jerome finished installing the spyware and making sure the systems were still secured. Just a one-way mirror that Levy shouldn’t catch unless really digging for it. Another 20 minutes were spent explaining to Natsu how to do the accessing part, including pulling up the webcam whenever he wanted to. “Or just leave it running,” Jerome noted. “It’ll just show up in this window,” he pointed towards the screen, “and as long as you don’t log out completely from your computer it’ll stay open.”

“Who turns off their computers?”

“Actually, it’s a good idea to turn them off now and then so any software updates can be completed, but since I manage your systems, there’s not really a need to.”

“Great.” The two men stood up and shook hands. “Thanks, Jerome.”

“It was my pleasure.”

When Natsu arrived each day at headquarters, the first thing and last thing he did was check to see if there was anything new or interesting going on Lucy’s side. It was like being hooked on one of their products, because the high it gave sucked him right in. But so far, he also stayed away from the video feed. Looking through her calendar or emails were cold and impersonal, but maybe the video was too close, too real, too much of a moral dilemma in crossing that line of a peeping Tom. That didn’t mean his addiction may one day require more feeding…

October had rolled around, and the air outside grew crisp and cold. It was a beautiful time of the year with the color changing leaves, reminding that winter was soon upon them. How quickly the time sure flew. The Dragneel Yakuza clan had already started preparing for their end of year Bonenkai to happen in mid-December. This plus the Shinnenkai in January were the two biggest parties the clan threw for all their members. The first is to forget the stresses of the past year, while the other was to welcome a successful new year. Natsu spared no expense on the food and drinks to take care of the loyalty and hard work their members contributed. From the emails, he knew that Lucy’s group had also started preparing for theirs. ‘Maybe I’ll crash her party,’ he mused to himself. ‘Oh, what’s this?’ His eyes fell on a new email of an appointment reminder for the next day. It was for Lucy’s monthly massage at an upscale spa. Natsu checked his own calendar and noticed he had nothing booked, no meetings, no shipments arriving— a perfect opportunity.

The next day, Natsu went to the spa early and spoke directly to the owner, paying them a nice chunk of change to allow him access and to play along. Lucy was scheduled for 2pm and arrived right on time. So, as he waited behind the scenes, the receptionist acted like normal and directed her inside. She had a regular masseuse, something Natsu knew he couldn’t fake upfront, so that person stood inside the room to greet her.

“Welcome, Ms. Heartfilia. I’ll step out while you get ready. Please lie on your stomach like normal.”

“Thank you, Kenji,” Lucy smiled. She’d been coming here for a couple years and was aware of the routine. The male masseuse had strong, but gentle hands and knew her body well by now.

Natsu had to admit he wasn’t happy to find out Lucy’s regular masseuse was a guy but held back from lashing out. He didn’t want to do anything to mess up this adventure— and oh, he planned to have his own revenge. It wouldn’t be as sexual as the soapland incident but knowing many of her trigger points meant he could do a bit of damage well enough. Now, Natsu had noted that Kenji’s voice was a bit deeper than his own, which would be difficult to fake, but the man explained he didn’t do much talking while working and played relaxing music during the session. Perfect. Natsu could just hit play and not talk at all.

“Ready, Ms. Heartfilia?” Kenji called out through the closed door.

The muffled yes was heard, and the man stepped away, leaving Natsu to his business. He entered the room and immediately turned on the pre-set music, a light instrumental with Asian undertones. It was quite pleasing to listen to. And there Lucy was under a silk sheet to cover her naked body, with her arms up and crossed, head perched on the relaxed hands, and hair up in a loose bun, revealing her beautiful neck. Natsu almost shuddered at the sight and knowledge he would get to touch her skin… it was the one thing she didn’t allow him to do at Soapland— touch. His grin grew as he rubbed his hands together to warm them before making the first move.

He moved the sheet to uncover Lucy’s lower half, up to the thighs, then applied a film of scented massage oils to his hands with a few drops over the taut muscles along her long legs, chasing the dripping liquid along her skin to smooth them over. His hands glide through several passes to the swell of her ass, then back down again all the way to the ankles, fingers applying pressure against the tendons and ligaments to gently work out any tension it encountered. Lucy sighed wispily as his hands massaged each foot, squeezing, smoothing, paying attention to each digit and every curve. His thumbs applied pressure at the arches, kneading the tight knots there from wearing heels all day long. He stayed focused on the area, her toes curling and flexing as the mewls leaching from her show their pleasure, until Natsu felt the knots give and relax away.

“Mmm, you’re getting good at that Kenji,” Lucy purred with a little huskiness in her tone.

Natsu grinned to himself as he lowered the sheet back down, so she stayed warm and moved onto her supple ass. Using both hands, he took his time to knead each cheek through the silken fabric, using his fingers to follow the gluteus muscles, starting near the leg, and following the swell of her curve upwards, slowly riding the fibers looking for any knots or tense areas. One cheek, then the other paying loving attention to and listening to the sounds Lucy made to clue him in on where to go. Every sigh a notch in his belt, each mewling purr a win. Natsu grew bolder, fanning out his thumb each time it got closer to her thighs to touch…

“Oh, Kenji,” Lucy whined, “you’re being a naughty boy today— keep it up.”

‘What?!’ Natsu’s hands paused and tensed for a split second before catching himself. Does Kenji mess with her too?! He shook his head and finished up in the area quickly trying not to let such thoughts stop him. ‘Just focus…’ Natsu grumbled in his head.

After applying more oil to his hands, he moved the sheet down to reveal Lucy’s back and for a second time, Natsu paused on what it contained. Her tattoo… It symbolized… he took a deep breath and dropped more oil on to the skin, willing away the memories breaching his mind. He didn’t want to think about it, not now. It was too painful.

“You okay, Kenji?” Lucy questioned as if noticing the slight pause or tremble in the man’s hands.

Natsu mumbled a soft Mmhmm and dived into the massage so Lucy wouldn’t grow more concerned, missing the uptick in the corners of her lips. He slowly smoothed along the skin using the base of his palms for pressure, each hand following the muscles, moving out from the waist, up the center of her back, and flaring out towards the sides just below the shoulder blades, repeating the same movement, each time increasing the speed while lessening the pressure. Next, he targeted the upper back and shoulder blades, an area he knew Lucy held a lot of tension from carrying the weight of her voluptuous bosoms. With precise ministrations, Natsu applied careful pressure with his thumbs and follows the curve of the blades up and around to the top of the shoulder. He then searched with the pads of his fingers for any knots along her trap muscles, moving up along the spine and fanning out to the top of her shoulders.

“Oh, yeah, right there,” Lucy mewled when he reached a specific spot.

The area around her spine, between the shoulder blades held the most tension and knots from constantly holding the upright, flexed posture that wearing heels will create. Her wispy sighs signaled the release of her tense muscles, bringing another wave of pride swelling in him. Natsu continued onto her neck, his strong hands kneaded the supple flesh, fingers palpating and soothing all the knots. Her neck too, held a few tense areas, especially around the base of the head, so he did his best to melt them away. He worked through Lucy’s mewls and moaning sighs, almost sexual in nature, aroused and a little heated in the face knowing his handiwork brought forth such sounds. Ugh, how he wanted to hear more of it! Lucy putty in his hands and spread between his thighs, calling out his name…

“You’ve gotten better at this… Natsu,” the cocky teasing tone, snapped him out of his dream.

“Natsu?” He tried failingly to disguise his voice. “I’m Kenji, Ms. Heartfilia.”

“Uh-huh. You think I can’t tell the difference Natsu?” Lucy quipped back with a chuckle. “Kenji’s routine is very different. Plus, I knew the moment I smelled your cologne.”

Busted.

“Tch. Well, if you knew it was me all along, why’d you let me do this?”

“Making you work is my payback.” She settled back down, relaxed on her arms. “Now, chop, chop, finish the job.”

This little minx! He was the one supposed to be torturing her this time, not the other way around! “Fine, kitten.” Natsu gritted out a smile and took hold of her neck again to placate and lull Lucy back into thinking he would go along. He massaged the sides with the tips of his fingers Both hands wrapped around, and his thumbs pushing up through her hair against the muscles on the back of her head.

“If only you’d taken care of me like this before,” Lucy mumbled.

Natsu paused and leaned over her ear. “Why not let me take care of you now?”

“You know the answer to that.”

“No, I don’t know the answer, that’s part of the problem!”

Lucy sighed. “Natsu, I don’t want to fight right now. I’m here to relax, not fight. If you’re done, then leave and send Kenji back in.”

“Oh, yeah. Why? Because he’s another one of your boy toys? He gonna be naughty again with you once I leave?!”

“Pfft, I said that knowing it was you, idiot.”

“I think you live to torture me, Angel. But you’re right. I don’t wanna fight right now either, so—” Natsu leaned down quick and latched his mouth onto the area between her shoulder blades, sucking hard.

Lucy squealed and reached back frantically trying to claw at his face, but he grabbed her hands, knowing if she struggled any harder, she risked completely exposing herself. He held her for a few seconds, and once satisfied he’d achieved his goal, let go.

“Natsu! Did you put a hickey on me?!”

“This Angel,” he trailed his fingers over Lucy’s tattoo as he spoke, “belongs to me. Will always be mine,” he whispered close to her ear. “You know it, I know it, and your boy toys will know it too.”

“I hate you.”

“Nah,” Natsu stood up and covered her back up with the sheet. “You hate that you don’t hate me. It’s okay. I still love you too. See ya around kitten.”

Natsu heard the woman’s sigh as the door closed behind him and smiled to himself. He knew she didn’t actually hate him, their relationship was just complicated at the moment, never love the actual problem between them… Though, it had been a dick move to give her a hickey, but that’s what Lucy gets for leading him on like that. She could’ve just stopped the massage immediately if she knew it was him all along, so to let him go through the entire process, it was tit for tat— and hey, at least it’s only temporary.

‘It’s your move next kitten…’

#nalu #nalu au #nalu fan fiction #nalu yakuza au #nalu fan fic #natsu dragneel #lucy hearfilia #ch 7 #we'll take back heaven #petri808 #lemony scented

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thatsmistertoyou · 2 years

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More highly personal rambles about how I related to Dan’s comeback video idk

As I’ve been thinking about it more, I’ve been even more like spidermen_pointing.jpeg about the trajectory of Dan’s career and I just wanted to vent about it for a second. Okay more than a second this is very long.

CW for mentions of death and depression

So I went to school for mental health counseling. I graduated in 2019, moved from my college town back in with my parents, and had a hard time finding a decent job. I finally found a good one that was everything I wanted it to be on paper: I didn’t have to work stupid hours or go to people’s homes, I was working with the population I wanted to work with, I got to move back to a place I had called home for 7 years, I made good money, and I had a chance to live on my own. I had always lived with roommates and I figured age 25 was as good a time as any to learn to be alone. I could really start my career and once I had a good handle on things and my counseling license, I could go somewhere else I liked better.

Only it was in a pandemic. I didn’t even get the job until May 2020, but I figured I could handle it. It was all only temporary, right? I wasn’t delusional enough to think the pandemic would be over anytime soon, but I had only planned to do all of this for maybe 2 years, so it’s fine, right?

Then my grandma died of covid. I couldn’t have seen her in the hospital anyway, no one could, but I wasn’t even there for the last months of her life. I don’t even remember the last time I saw her in person. I went home to be with my family as much as possible, but it was a 5+ hour drive each way. I’m not going to go into it but if you’ve seen my griefposting from the last 1.5 years, you can probably guess how it’s been trying to cope with the loss.

I got incredibly depressed - more depressed than I’ve ever been, which is saying something. I could barely function. I was living with undiagnosed chronic illnesses that, unbeknownst to me, we’re very much contributing. It was a bad time. I was almost completely isolated. I had maybe 2 friends within 100 miles, who I probably shouldn’t see anyway bc covid, I worked from home in my one bedroom apartment most of the time, and when I didn’t, I worked in a completely separate building from any of my coworkers and never saw anyone I knew. Even in my office, I met with clients on zoom. My position was at best tangentially related to most of my coworkers anyway - I had so much independence that essentially had a private practice. Which is cool. And very very lonely.

The last thing I noticed before I decided to move back home was that the city itself seemed to move on without me. I had only been gone a year, but it was different. New buildings popped up, my favorite local businesses closed, most people I knew were gone. It was functionally the same, but it felt different. Like I didn’t belong there anymore. Too much had happened for me to just go back. It wasn’t my home anymore.

So, yeah, I related to Dan when he said it felt wrong to come back to a place he called home for a long time, even knowing it might be detrimental to him or that it wasn’t like it was before. My heart breaks for him - it really is painful. I’ve never been good with ~change~, especially those slow, natural, almost imperceptible changes that happen over a long period of time. Something you don’t notice that much but one day you look up and you don’t recognize it anymore. Friends grow apart, places change, you discover new things and leave the old ones behind. It doesn’t mean the old stuff was bad or a waste of time, just that time marches on and these small losses are inevitable. We all just have to learn to live with them.

I’m not practicing counseling at the moment - I had to broaden my horizons a bit to find a job, and I wound up doing something related. I like it. It’s not the same, but I like it well enough. I’m not sure if or when I’ll go back to practicing - more than likely I will at some point, but it’s really not good for me rn. You can’t pour from an empty cup etc etc. Too much has gone on for me to really focus on helping others in that way - another death in my family a few months ago, and other garbage I don’t feel like getting into.

And honestly, I felt betrayed by a cause I had dedicated myself to for years. Grad school was, in a lot of ways, very difficult for me. Learning how to hold and process and help other people work through their shit really holds up a mirror. I worked really hard to get through it, and it was only step 1. Turns out, its hard to find a decent job when you’re not fully licensed yet. (This takes at least 2 years post-graduation where I live.) As I described it to my classmates and supervisor right before graduation, it felt like I had climbed a mountain with my bare hands. Now I was staring up at the peak of a larger, more difficult mountain. Mental health care is an absolute farce in America, as I’m sure many of you are aware, and it really is to the detriment of everyone. Nonprofit mental health centers don’t have the funding to pay clinicians fairly, and they’re so understaffed that everyone is doing much more than they should, so everyone burns out incredibly quickly. And all of this is garbage for clients, who have to jump through hoops to get what they need from counselors who are overworked and underpaid, which leads to a terrible turnover rate. Care is all too often inaccessible to the people who need it most. In short, the system is, by its very design and what it has evolved into, driving both counselors and clients away.

I must have applied for hundreds of jobs, I’m not exaggerating, over my multiple post-grad job hunts. Most didn’t even bother with a rejection email, they just ignore you. I was straight up ghosted after interviews or left on read for weeks. The absolute horror stories I could tell y’all are numerous and ridiculous. It was frustrating, but it also felt dehumanizing. There’s a real person on the other side of that resume, who really cares about what they’re doing and really wants to do something with it, and most places didn’t even acknowledge it. They make you spend undue amounts of time manually typing in everything that’s already on your resume, write an essay about how much you love them, and wait for a response that might never come, all for a job that you don’t even know the pay rate for because it’s not even on the posting. After a while, I narrowed my scope a bit, having learned the red flags that indicate a recipe for burnout. Which left me with even fewer options. You can get paid well, you can be treated well, or you can like your work - pick 2 of those 3 if you’re lucky. Some people don’t get any, and rarely does one have all 3.

That’s kind of the nature of the job market these days, but that doesn’t make it okay. Honestly, it makes it worse. I did my time! I took on the debt! I got the advanced degree! I followed all the job seeking advice in the world and I was still unemployed for 6 months at a time! And, I was lowkey mad that I had uprooted my life to do a job that I could have done from home anyway. I could have done 98% of it without moving. But as I’m sure a lot of you know, wfh policies became stupidly strict very quickly. I work in higher education, which isn’t exactly known for keeping with the times. My current job could be done 98% from home as well, but we’re allowed to wfh two days a week, so I can’t complain. I won’t pretend wfh is even good for me, even if I work in a more collaborative environment now that actually does require me to build relationships with my coworkers. I do need the change of scenery to be able to focus. And to get out of the house. Really, I’m more privileged than most, and I won’t complain about having a good stable job that I like with really awesome coworkers. It just doesn’t seem like it should have been this hard or rare.

But this is the life I chose for myself, right? If this really is my calling, what makes me the most fulfilled, then I have to deal with it. This is just the nature of the industry. It’s not fair but I can’t change it.

I’ve spent the last year trying really hard to get back on track, and I feel like I’ve done a pretty good job of it. I’m happier than I have been in a long time, despite everything. But I’m still sad that I was driven away from something I was passionate about, that it took a lot of unfortunate circumstances and being broken down by various systems that failed me and my family. It’s garbage and it’s unfair and I wish I could just go back to the way things were before all of this, but at the same time, the way things were was still demonstrably bad for me.

So, yeah, you could say I related to what Dan talked about lol. Being let down by a system you had given your all to, thinking that if you did everything right you would be rewarded, trying to navigate being a functioning human being amidst all the garbage going on in the world and inside your own head, and trying really hard to pick yourself up and keep going despite it. Again, not saying it’s a complete 1:1 parallel, but I wanted to just get all this out of my system. Mostly to prevent myself from recounting all of this in bits and pieces on other peoples gifs from the video ajdjfb but also to just hashtag vent.

Thanks for reading. I really do appreciate y’all. Even if we’ve never talked and you’ve been silently lurking here for a decade, or if we did talk on occasion 5+ years ago, or you’ve been here for like a few months tops and have no idea what I’m talking about. I owe so much to this space and the genuine kindness so many of you have shown me. I hope you’re all good. 💗

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hvllevator · 4 years

Text

mismatch ; Wong Yukhei

↳ Lucas never lived an easy life. Being introduced to vices at such a young age took a toll on him. Boxing being one of them. His father made him think that love was unworthy of his time and that he was undeserving of love, so it was never in Lucas’ dictionary to fall in love. That was until he met a girl who cried during one of his boxing matches. Will you be able to pull him out of darkness? Will he change for the better?

pairing: wong yukhei x female reader

genre: angst, fluff, smut, boxer!au

warnings: mention of violence, drugs, abuse, sexual content, swearing

words: 15,6k

a/n: this is purely fictional and if you are uncomfortable with any of the topics ive mentioned in my warning, please refrain from reading. i love this and i hope you love it as much as i do ! please tell me what you think

Lucas was raised to be independent, not like he had a choice. His father was a drug addict and his mother left him before he could even open his eyes. His father often mistreated him, reminding him every second of his life that he was a mistake and that his mother should’ve aborted him when she had the chance then maybe she would still be with him. Lucas lived with constant threats coming his way, he somehow learned how to cope with them. It wasn’t until one day he finally had enough, with a bat in hand he used it against his father. Lucas was then taken away from him and was forced to live with his grandmother. Having no one to really rely on, he was introduced to a few vices at such a young age, 14 years old to be exact. Smoking, drinking, and even taking up drugs just to name a few. Boxing was one of them. He found comfort in beating an opponent till they’re left unconscious, all the pent up anger in him was finally being released. It didn’t take long before Lucas was known to be one of the best underground boxers in the area. He was ruthless and merciless when it came to the ring. The money he got through boxing was enough to supply him for the next few months of living. As soon as he turned legal age, he bought an apartment for himself, wanting to be away from his so called family as best as he can. Not that it was difficult since he wasn’t really that close with his grandmother, and his father never really cared about him, so Lucas packed up his bags and left home the very second he can. Lucas was thankful for the friends he made along his boxing journey. Qian Kun was one of them, a fellow boxer who he trained together with. Kun was one of the people he trusted the most, he was the one who helped him when he was in a really dark place.

Lucas was also known for someone who loved to fuck, with girls practically throwing theirselves at him, who was he to pass up the opportunity of having a great orgasm for the night. He had one night stands here and there, even having girls cry over him leaving before they could even wake up in the morning. He wasn’t one to do relationships, the thought of being tied down to one person sickened him. He knew he wasn’t cut out for all the romantic shit, he feared that he would repeat the same mistakes his father did. Although Lucas knew he was better than his old man and that he would never take advantage of his fighting skills, he wanted to be safe rather than sorry.

——

Lucas had a fight tonight, nothing really new. Wrapping the bandages on his hand, he did a few stretches before slipping on the mouth guard. Kun wished him good luck before entering the ring. It didn’t take long before his opponent was knocked out, slipping the mouth guard out, a triumph smirk made its way on his face as he was being announced as the winner. He barely had any damage done to his face. As he was stepping off the ring, his gaze landed on a pretty girl who had tears streaming down her face from when she watched the match. His eyebrows furrowed as he watched her wipe her tears.

You were practically dragged to watch this boxing match you had absolutely no interest in, if it wasn’t for your best friend then you truly wouldn’t have come. Pulling the “I will do your laundry for two weeks” card had you seated in the front row of a cruel match. Wincing every time someone threw a punch against one another. You admit that you were not used to this sight at all, so you couldn’t help the tears that were slipping out of your eyes. As soon as the fight ended, you wanted to leave but Soyeon still wouldn’t let you since her boyfriend hasn’t appeared in the ring. Wiping your tears away, you lifted your head to see who was being announced as the winner of the round. Surprised that the person getting off the ring was already staring at you. You watched as he purposely held eye contact with you, striding towards you until he was fully in front of you.

His eyes were filled with worry, his stare was making you uncomfortable and you’re sure that your confusion was written on your face.

“Are you okay?” He asked, and you wondered why.

“Y-yeah? Why wouldn’t I be?” You felt your breathing increase. He was the winner of the match, and you knew there were plenty of eyes on you. Some even snapping pictures maybe.

“You were crying.” He stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world

“You saw that?”

“Of course. You don’t seem like the type to watch these fights.” He smirked, he was attractive that’s for sure.

“I’m not.” You shook your head.

“Yo Lucas! Come and get your prize!” You heard a voice called out, making Lucas groan. He took a step away from you before turning his heel and approaching whoever called him, he turned his head back to you and winked at you before leaving completely. What just happened?

Lucas was rushing to claim his prize, his foot tapping on the floor impatiently as the money was being counted awfully slow.

“Shouldn’t you prepare this shit before the match?” Lucas snapped, glaring at the teller. They ignored his remark, continuing with what they were doing. Lucas sighed and shook his head, thinking that you will probably be gone by the time he comes back. He was right, the seat you were previously sitting on was now empty.

——

Lucas couldn’t get the thought of you out of his head, he found it silly that a girl your age was crying over a boxing match yet it interested him, you interested him. Kun sensed that Lucas was out his focus recently, it worried him yet he had a slight idea why he was being worked up.

“You okay?” Kun asked, letting go of the weights he was previously working out with.

“I’m fine.” Lucas grunted, throwing punches towards the punching bag in front of him.

“Oh really? It has nothing to do with the girl that was at your match?”

Lucas’ movements halted at Kun’s comment. He swung his head to face him, curiosity splattered on his face. “How do you know her?”

“I don’t, what I do know is she’s my girlfriend’s best friend.” Kun shrugged, returning to lift his weights.

“No way! She’s Soyeon’s best friend? Dude, please help me. I need her number.” Lucas’ focus was entirely on Kun,

“Fuck off, she’s not someone you can fuck with and bolt.”

“I won’t do that to her.”

Kun couldn’t help but scoff at Lucas’ words. Putting the weights down once again, he swiped the forming sweat on his forehead. He looked at Lucas who awfully had puppy eyes plastered on his face. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Kun!” Lucas whined, “Please, please, please help me out! I won’t sleep with her—well unless she wants me to— and then bail on her, I promise! She seems so interesting.”

“Oh, so suddenly you believe in love just because a girl was crying during your match?”

“Shut up, I didn’t say I love her. She’s simply just... amusing and enticing.” Lucas smiled, thinking back to when he laid his eyes on you.

“She was sobbing.”

“And what about it? She’s beautiful and I very much would like to know why she was sobbing that night.”

“You sound sincere, it’s scary.��

“Kun.” Lucas deadpanned, but pouted soon after.

“Fine! I’ll ask Soyeon.” Kun sighed, rolling his eyes at him but secretly loving how his best friend was interested in finding someone.

“I love you!”

“Fuck off.”

——

Lucas has had your contact number for a while now, but he was too anxious to send you anything. What was he supposed to say? Hey, I was the one in the ring when you were crying the other day? Lucas felt stupid, he couldn’t believe he was getting so worked on over some girl. But you weren’t just some girl, something about you sparked within him, maybe he just wanted to sleep with you? But why would he go through all that trouble just to get in your pants when he could meet with some random girl right now. He never was the one who believed in love at first sight, if he could even call it that, in fact he would puke on whoever believed in that kind of stuff. Thoughts keep haunting him but all he knew was he wanted to see you again.

Lucas groaned, getting out of bed, and putting on something presentable. He texted his friends if they wanted to go to the bar tonight, and they agreed. It didn’t take long before Lucas and his friends were seated in the club. His eyes roaming around to find someone he wanted to sleep with tonight.

“Lucas,” Kun called out, making him turn his head. “you still haven’t called her, have you?”

Lucas merely shrugged, somehow feeling defeated. Kun rolled his eyes at him before taking his phone out of his pocket and sending a few texts.

“Ooh! Our Lucas is in love?” One of his friends, Ten, asked. Wiggling his eyebrows teasingly.

“No, shut the fuck up.” Lucas barked, drowning in the glass of alcohol in his hand.

A few drinks later and Lucas was stumbling over his own feet. His friends watched in amusement, never seeing him this drunk without an apparent reason before.

“I’m going to find s-someone.” Lucas slurred, standing from the booth but Kun grabbed his arm to prevent him from leaving.

“You’re staying here.”

“That’s not fun.” He sat back down, crossing his arms and glaring at his older friend.

“Trust me, you’ll thank me.” Lucas was more than confused at his words, shrugging and continued to down more drinks. Two familiar female figures made their way towards your table. Kun slipped Lucas a bottle of water before patting his shoulder.

“Baby!” A familiar voice shrieked, making Lucas roll his eyes before lifting his gaze to greet Kun’s girlfriend. He was taken aback when he was met with a beautiful lady he was sulking over the past few days.

Kun greeted Soyeon with a kiss, before introducing you to the group. You shyly waved at the new faces you were met with.

Soyeon yet again dragged you out of your house, telling you to look as sexy as ever. So here you were, in a tight black dress that perfectly hugs your body and some heels.

The boys took turns in introducing themselves as well, Lucas being the last one to do so as he was too busy gawking at you. Ten slapped his arm and mumbled that it was rude to stare.

Lucas coughed before standing and extending his hand towards you, “I’m Lucas.”

“It’s weird you shake hands.” You giggled but accepted his hand nonetheless. “I’m Y/N.”

“We’ve met, yeah?” Lucas smiled, feeling his heartbeat against his chest and he cursed it for being that way. Everyone was watching the scene that was unfolding between the two of you, some unable to hide the smiles on their faces.

You nodded in response, watching as Lucas practically shoved Ten away from the seat beside him, gesturing for you to seat beside him instead. Ten feigned hurt before sitting somewhere else, he didn’t want to cockblock his friend either way. You gladly took the empty seat beside Lucas, feeling his gaze entirely on you. You shifted in your seat before making eye contact with him. Immediately regretting it because the way he was staring at you made your heart flip.

“Why are you staring at me like that?” You questioned, feeling heat rush to your cheeks.

“You’re beautiful.” Lucas mumbled, a smirk forming on his lips. “Do you want a drink?”

“Thank you. I do, yeah.” You flashed him a smile.

“Come, I’ll buy you one.” He stood up, extending his hand to you once again, which you took before he guided you towards the bar. Leaning against the counter, he ordered drinks for the two of you. You took your time in scanning his outfit. Seeing him in plain black skinny jeans, a white shirt and a leather jacket to complete his aesthetic. You raised an eyebrow in amusement, he didn’t seem like someone who fights people for a living.

“I’ve been wanting to contact you for quite some time actually.” Lucas offered you the glass, which you gladly accepted and downed in one go. His eyes widened in amusement, not expecting you to drink all of it in one gulp.

“Hmm?” You hummed, “Why didn’t you?” You bit on your lip, watching him move even closer to you. Lucas ordered another set of drinks.

“I didn’t know if you wanted to see me too, and for starters, I don’t even know if you’re single.” He shrugged, drinking from his glass before returning his full attention on you. “A pretty girl who was crying at my match.” He teased, making you playfully roll your eyes at him.

“I am single, thank you for asking.” You remarked. “And shut up, I wasn’t used to seeing people getting beaten up. You can’t blame me for sobbing.” You explained, somehow imagining how stupid you must’ve looked that night. The club was thankfully not that packed with people, you weren’t used to clubbing as well, you were more of a quiet and reserved person. Someone who would rather spend their Saturday night indoors. Though you couldn’t say you were complaining that your best friend brought you where. Truth be told, you too were thinking of Lucas recently. It was very curious that he took his time and interacted with you during that night, and to say you were upset when he was pulled away from you. Finding out that Soyeon somehow had ties with Lucas excited you in some way. You knew that surely wasn’t the last time you were seeing him.

“That’s a first, you know, seeing someone cry watching a boxing match.” His eyes fully trained on you. You were really beautiful.

“Consider me unique then.” You giggled, running a hand through your hair before settling your glass down on the counter.

Several drinks later and you were a giggling drunken mess, Lucas offered to drive you home once he finally thought you were too drunk to keep drinking. Lucas stopped drinking the second he figured out that you weren’t stopping any time soon. Thankful that he had a head start in drinking earlier and was finally sober enough now. You accepted his offer to drive you home, after throwing him a bunch of questions about his motives to you. He assured you that he just wanted to make sure you got home safe since Soyeon was probably going home with Kun for the night. Bidding your goodbyes to the group, he walked you to his car.

Telling him where you lived, he drove off. Faint music was the only thing that could be heard throughout the expensive sports car he had. You shifted your head and stared as he gripped on the steering wheel. You didn’t know why but you licked your lips at the sight of him. His eyes intently on the road. He raised his eyebrow and turned to face you for a second.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Lucas questioned.

“You’re hot.” You bluntly responded, making Lucas chuckle.

“So I’ve heard. Thank you, doll.”

“Aren’t you going to compliment me back?” You slurred, glaring at him as you crossed your arms.

He once again shifted his head to face you, smiling at the sight, before returning his gaze on the road. “You’re beautiful, very beautiful.”

“Thank you.” You yawned, eyes feeling droopy.

“We’re almost there, stay awake for me, babe.” You almost didn’t hear what he said as you struggled to keep your eyes open.

Not long before he pulled up in front of your apartment. Getting out of the car, he helped you in getting inside of your place.

You plopped on your bed the second you saw it, kicking your heels off. Lucas merely smiled at the sight of you. You snuggled in your sheets, the coolness engulfing your body. He let you get settled on your bed, tucking you in properly. He couldn’t help but stare at your sleeping figure. Pressing a kiss on your cheek, he left your apartment that night.

——

You woke up with a pounding headache the next morning, groaning to yourself, you reached your nightstand for your phone but instead you felt a glass of water on it. Curious, you inspected it and found a note beside it.

Figured you might have a headache when you wake up. I hope you don’t mind me rummaging through your kitchen drawers - Lucas

Written on very sloppy handwriting but your heart warmed nonetheless. You took the aspirin and gulped it down with water. Getting ready for your day, you took a shower and dressed in comfy clothes. You didn’t really have plans for today considering it was a Sunday, and you had no classes. Sighing to yourself, you decided to get a cup of coffee from a café nearby.

Lucas’ mind was all over the place, he kept questioning himself why he was so invested into seeing you. He obviously had a great time with you last night.

“Why don’t you ask her out?” His friend, Xiaojun, asked as he watched him clearly drifting into his thoughts.

“Should I?” Lucas sighed, taking his phone out and staring at your contact number.

“Obviously, it seems like you can’t stop thinking about her.” Xiaojun responded as a matter of factly. He couldn’t deny that he found joy in seeing his friend, who was apparently scared of being tied down, being so hung up on a girl. You must be a different type of special to get Lucas so worked out.

“Maybe I should.” Lucas closed his eyes before calling your number.

Your phone rang when you were in the middle of ordering. You excused yourself but the barista wasn’t having any of it, telling you to order or leave the line. You felt embarrassed, deciding to ignore the call and carried on ordering.

“She didn’t answer.” Lucas frowned, closing his phone and throwing it on the table.

“She must be busy.” Xiaojun shrugged, leaning against the sofa.

“It’s ten am, what could she possibly be busy about.”

“Slow down there, loverboy. She has a life, you know.”

“Whatever.” Lucas crossed his arms as he glared at his phone.

Soon after you claimed your drink, you finally took your phone out and checked on who called you. It was an unknown number. Furrowing your eyebrows, you tapped on the number to return the call.

Lucas’ phone rang loudly throughout the room. His eyes averting to his device. Xiaojun watched in amusement as he didn’t make any effort to pick up the phone.

“Now you’re playing hard to get?” Xiaojun laughed, grabbing his phone and seeing your name on full display. “Stop being a baby.” Xiaojun chucked the phone towards Lucas.

“Hello?” Lucas mumbled through the phone.

“Hi? Who is this?”

“You’re the one that called.”

“O-oh, I’m sorry must be a wrong number.”

“No!” Lucas almost screamed, clearing his throat, ”It's Lucas, I was just playing with you.”

“Oh! Hi Lucas. Thank you so much for bringing me home last night. I apologize if I caused any trouble.”

“No worries, though if you wouldn’t mind... I would love to see you again. Can w-we... I mean like, would you like to go on a date with me?” His face scrunched, hearing how terrible he was. Xiaojun was silently laughing at his friend being awkward at asking you out, which he just flipped off.

It took you a few seconds to register what he said, a smile forming on your lips when it did. “Of course! Tomorrow sounds good?”

“Okay, tomorrow it is. I’ll pick you up at seven?” Lucas threw his fist up, as if he was claiming victory.

“Seven, alright, see you tomorrow Lucas.”

“Bye, Y/N.”

——

The hour of your date finally came. Lucas arrived exactly at seven o’clock as he couldn’t hide his excitement. He texted you saying to dress casually with a touch of formality. After panicking for thirty minutes about what to wear, you end up wearing a black short turtleneck with a semi fitted white dress over it. You put on light makeup to match with your outfit and some accessories to complete the whole look.

“You look amazing.” Lucas complimented, the second you opened the door. A smile made its way on your face, scanning his outfit. He was wearing what seems to be like black kinda fitted slacks and a tan Burberry shirt with a black long-sleeve inside.

“Thank you, you look nice.”

“Nice? That’s all I get? Where’s the woman that called me hot the other night?” Lucas feigned hurt.

“Shut up, you know you’re handsome.” You glared at him, which he only laughed at.

“Maybe.”

“Are we going to stand here and flirt or are we going to do the flirting elsewhere?” You teasingly raised an eyebrow.

“Let’s go. We have a long night ahead of us.” He winked, extending his hand for you to take as the two of you walked to his car.

The ride to the restaurant didn’t take long, the place was quite fancy but not too showy. Lucas’ hand was placed on the small of your back, guiding you around the place as if he’s been here a few times. You two got to your tables, the waiter handing you your menus. Eyes glancing at it, you were shocked to see the prices of each meal. You weren’t exactly broke but you weren’t the wealthiest either, and you didn’t know if Lucas would be paying for the bill since you didn’t want to assume he would, but you wanted to be prepared to share the bill. You looked for a cheap yet delicious option.

”I’ll get the Chicken Alfredo pasta.” You closed the menu, taking a sip from the glass of water that was served in front of you.

“Will that be enough for you?” Lucas questioned, his eyes still reading the menu.

“Yes, I think so.”

Lucas had a feeling that you were refraining yourself from order too much, so he took the initiative to order more food. He called over the waiter, giving him the names of the dishes he wanted to eat as well as saying your order with a bit more side dishes.

The two of you were left alone, classical music playing in the background. Your fingers tapped on your thighs, suddenly feeling the awkward air. Lucas felt it too, and it was strange. He wasn’t usually one who would get himself in awkward situations since he was practically the life of the party, a social butterfly. But with you around, he felt like he needed to impress you.

“Do you have another match coming up soon?” You broke the ice, watching his gaze cast onto you.

“I think I have one in about a week? Would you like to come?”

“I’m not sure...” You shifted in your seat, “It still isn’t my kind of environment.”

“Of course, it’s totally up to you. I would like it if you went though.” His gaze softened, lips curling into a smile.

“I’ll think about it.”

It didn’t take long before your food was served. You both ate your meals in peace, conversation stirring between the two of you every now and then. You talked about yourself when he asked. He learned that you were a university student, and that you work part time at a small flower shop that you adored. You also told him how you weren’t really close to people until Soyeon came around and pulled you out of your little bubble. He also learned that you used to be in a relationship months back but it ended because he wanted to sleep with you but you simply told him that you weren’t ready and it clearly upset him. He learned that you were complete opposites, a mismatch. When you noticed that your plate was almost empty, you realized that you’ve been talking for some time now and all Lucas did was sit and listen to what you were saying.

“I’ve been talking too much. What about you? What made you pursue boxing?” You questioned, wiping pasta residue off of your lips.

“I like hearing you talk.” He smiled fondly, “Boxing wasn’t really something I was proud of from the start, I only got into it because I thought it was a way for me to release all the... anger I felt. But then they told me how good I was at it and I thought why not turn it into a living, so here I am now.”

“Why were you angry? If you don’t mind me asking.” Leaning more against the table, to hear him more clearly.

“My father wasn’t really the best at being what you call a father figure, and my mom ran away from us when I literally just got out of her womb.” Lucas’ gaze drifted down on the table, his fingers fumbling the table cloth. “I didn’t really have anyone to rely on when I was growing up. I was sent to my grandmother for... beating my dad up once, he’s still alive don’t worry. I guess I’m thankful I didn’t end up in jail for what I did.”

“Wow.” You let out once he finished his story. His world was the complete opposite of yours. Your life was basically rainbows and flowers around a field, though you did have your own hardships here and there, it was nothing compared to what Lucas was going through.

“When I got into boxing, that’s when I met Kun and the guys. They helped me a lot, and I’m very thankful I get to call them my friends.” Lucas added, deciding to wrap his story up for the night. You couldn’t help but reach for his hand, enclosing it with yours.

“I’m glad you met wonderful people.”

“Doesn’t it bother you? Knowing that I do something that isn’t really legal for a living?”

“Illegal, you mean?” You laughed. “Not really, I mean we all have our own ways of trying to survive in this world don’t we? Yours is just simply different from the rest but that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. As long as you’re not a serial killer, it’s alright with me.”

“You’re so kind.” Lucas mumbled, adoration written all over his eyes.

A handful of stories later, you were both ready to leave. Lucas told you that he was going to take care of bill, which you thanked him for. You ended up back in his car, on the way to drive you home for the night. He pulled up at your apartment, taking his seatbelt off before facing you.

“I had a great time.” Lucas mumbled, his eyes focused on you.

“I did too.” You smiled, genuinely enjoying the time you spent with him.

“Will I be getting a second date then?” He cheekily asks, his dimples popping out.

“Only if you let me pay next time.”

“No promises.” He teased, a smirk on his face. “Can I get a kiss goodbye?”

Your eyes widened at his request, feeling your heartbeat rapidly increase. It’s not like you haven’t been kissed before, but it seemed different with Lucas. You felt yourself nod at his words obviously taking him aback since he was only half joking, but was glad when you let him nonetheless. His hand reached up to cup your cheek, leaning towards you as you shut your eyes and anticipated for his lips. His lips brushed against yours before you leaned against him to connect his mouth to yours. The kiss was quick and had a sweet sensation. Pulling away, you couldn’t help but bite on your lips.

Lucas didn’t say a word but the smile on his face was saying more than enough.

“Goodnight, Lucas.” You bid as you stepped out of his car, and into your apartment.

——

Lucas contacted you a few days later, reminding you of his boxing match that he invited you to. You’ve thought of it for a while and decided to make an appearance, which made Lucas ecstatic, telling you that you were his good luck charm from now on. You found yourself seated with Soyeon once again, in the front row. Anxiety rushing to your blood when the players were being introduced. Of course, you knew Lucas was great at this and he hasn’t lost in quite some time but you couldn’t help the nerves lingering throughout your body. When Lucas was finally called in the ring, your heart fluttered at the sight of him. You haven’t seen him in a week yet you felt like it was a week too long. Soyeon squeezed your arm when she noticed the anxious look on your face, somehow giving you comfort which you appreciated.

Not long before the match started, Lucas rapidly threw punches against his opponent and cowering when he needed to. When Lucas got punched in the jaw, you let out a loud gasp, clutching onto the hem of your skirt. He quickly regained his posture and continued to attack his opponent. You didn’t have control over the tears that sprung to your eyes. Feeling silly yourself, you quickly wiped it off before anyone could see them. The match ended, with Lucas being announced as winner, you can’t say you were surprised since he is really great at what he does. Watching Lucas rush out of the ring, he immediately made his way to where you were, with a big goofy smile on his face. You saw the bruise forming on his jaw, making you frown. You wanted to reach up and touch his face but his arms suddenly wrapped around your waist, pulling you in a tight hug. He was sweaty and you internally cringed at the feeling but you didn’t pay no mind to it, letting him wrap you up in his arms.

“You came.” Lucas pulled away from you.

“Of course, I did. I said I would, didn’t I?” You flashed him a smile. You noticed that he had light blood splattered on his bare chest.

“Did you cry?”

“She totally did!” Soyeon chimed in.

“Shut up!” You hissed towards Soyeon who only laughed at you before turning your attention back to Lucas.

“Stay here? I’ll just get changed.” You nodded at his words, he debated whether to give you a kiss, deciding to give you on the forehead instead. He left soon after, you sat back down noticing that there were multiple pairs of eyes on you, however you didn’t pay any attention to any of them.

Lucas came out shortly after, in a fresh set of clothes and sweat free manner this time. He approached you once again before asking if you wanted to leave. You went with him because he was the only reason you were there in the first place.

“Are you hurt?” You questioned Lucas. He took you to a nice quiet restaurant, telling you that it was a congratulatory dinner and that he wanted to treat you somewhere.

“It kinda stings but nothing I can’t handle.” He shrugged, taking a bite off his burger.

“That’s scary.”

“What is?”

“Being hit in the face.” Lucas chuckled at your statement.

“Yeah, it’s kinda scary.”

“What if you get really hurt?” You pouted, the thought haunting you. There’s a reason his job is considered illegal since it was different from regular boxing, his type had no set of rules at all. You even heard that people die in that ring so it was inevitable for you to be scared.

“I won't, baby.” He assured, not knowing the way he addressed you made the inside of your tummy do summersaults. “I won’t get hurt as long as you’re here with me.”

Lucas took you home that night, you even offered him to go inside your apartment, which he agrees on since he has been wondering what your place looked like. Your walls were covered in white wallpaper, dark furniture contrasting the purity of the place. You told Lucas to make himself at home, he gladly did, taking a seat on your sofa as his eyes continued to wander around the place. He caught sight of some photos of you hanging up against the wall, making him smile lightly to himself as he observed. Some of them were childhood pictures and some seemed like recent ones.

“Come here.” Lucas called for you, you walked close to him until he was in your reach. He pulled your hand down making you collapse on top of him, you were now seated at his lap. You felt heat rise to your cheeks at the sudden closeness. “Pretty girl.” He whispered, bringing his hand up to touch your cheek. “My real name is Yukhei.”

His sudden confession took you aback, clearly not expecting him to spring out information about his name. “Yukhei.” You tested the name out. “I like it. Why do we call you Lucas then?”

“Yukhei was what my dad used to call me, I hated hearing my name from him. It’s like every time it came out of his mouth I can practically feel the venom dripping out.” He removed his hand from your face, placing it on your thigh instead. The feeling shooting throughout your entire body.

“Do you want me to call you Yukhei?” You mumbled, this time it was you who reached your hand up to caress his cheek.

“Yes. You can call me either way, you can also call me Xuxi. Though I would prefer if you called me baby.” He winked, making you playfully slap his chest.

“That’s so cheesy.”

“But you like it.”

“I guess.”

“Can I kiss you?”

“You don’t have to ask me every time.”

That was all Yukhei needed before pressing his lips against yours, pulling you in a much needed kiss. His hand went up to the nape of your neck. His tongue gliding across your bottom lip, you opened your mouth wider as your tongues fought for dominance, he obviously won. You pulled away from the kiss only to reposition yourself so your legs were on either sides of his thighs. He leaned up and kissed you once again, even more full of passion if possible. His hands reaching up to rest on your ass. He trailed kisses down to your lips, then to your jaw, and then to your neck. Sweetly sucking and biting on certain areas, making you let out a small moan. You ground your hips against his crotch, this time earning a groan from him.

“I don’t wanna have sex yet.” You blurted out when his lips were still on your neck. He pulled away and stared into your eyes.

“Of course, baby. Not yet.” He assured, he wanted you to be comfortable with him at all times.

“Okay, just making it clear.” You nodded, shyly biting on your lip.

“This is probably the worst timing ever, but I’ve had this thought in my mind for quite some time now. Do you want to be my girlfriend?”

“Yes!” You break out into a grin, which he mirrored when you said your answer. He once again pulled you in for a kiss, much sweeter than last time.

Your little make out session was cut short due to the time, and you weren’t exactly comfortable with the idea of Yukhei spending the night yet. He kissed you goodbye before teasingly calling you his girlfriend, and with that you were left alone in your apartment.

——

A month has passed by and your relationship with Yukhei was more than you imagined. He was the sweetest when it came to you, always wanting to make sure you were comfortable with him. You reciprocated the amount of affection he gave you, genuinely falling for him. You even had thoughts of how no one has ever made you feel this way before and you were quite happy that Yukhei was the first man to grow this close to your heart.

Yukhei invited you to come over his place, telling you how he wanted you to meet his friends, though you already have but they were all under the influence of alcohol. He offered to pick you up but you told him no, and that you could ride a taxi on the way to his place. You haven’t really had the time to visit his place yet, seeing as you were busy with your studies and your job, so you were surprised to find out that he lived in a luxurious looking penthouse. Of course you knew he made big money but you never knew it was that big.

“Hi, baby.” Yukhei greeted you with a short peck on the lips, before ushering you inside his home. You were practically gawking at the interior itself, everything was so neat and expensive looking, scared that if you broke something it would cost you your entire month’s worth of rent. You spotted his friends lounging around the living area, Kun who you were already familiar with waved in your direction.

“The woman of the hour!” You recognized Yangyang announce, smiling towards you. You returned his gleeful grin, before taking a seat on the sofa alongside them.

“What did you feed our Lucas that he’s absolutely smitten with you?” Ten teased, earning a handful of laughs around him. You took note of the way his friends all called him Lucas. Yukhei sat beside you, throwing his arm behind you. You knew about Yukhei’s past endeavors, he told you about them one night. You were in no position to be upset of course, you weren’t exactly together when he did what he did.

“Even I don’t know why he’s so whipped.” You smirked, seeing Yukhei’s shocked expression.

“I thought you were on my side!” He whined, burying his head against your shoulder.

Yukhei’s heart warmed at the sight of his girlfriend and friends getting along. It wasn’t everyday that he would bring someone home, it almost felt like bringing you to meet his family. Hours passed before the boys slowly started to dissipate, more like Yukhei kicked them out since he wanted to spend some time alone with you.

“Finally.” Yukhei grumbled when Hendery and Sicheng finally decided to leave you two alone. You merely giggled at his behavior, still sitting comfortably on his sofa with the television playing in the background. “I have you all to myself now.” He turned to face you, seeing the light in his eyes when you met his gaze. He didn’t waste no time in pressing his lips to yours. You’ve had your fair amount of make out sessions throughout your short relationship, though the farthest you have ever gotten to was a few dry humping and breast touching. Yukhei didn’t force you to anything you weren’t ready for yet. “Can we try something tonight?” He asked when you pulled away for air.

“What?”

“I want to eat you out.” Your breath hitched, his words immediately shooting up to your core. The sudden shift in the atmosphere made you speechless. “Only if you want to of course.”

“I want to.” You responded. Yukhei broke into a smile before connecting his lips to yours once again. His hand cupping your face while the other was placed on top of your thigh. You felt his hand slowly creep up near your core, sparks shooting through your body every time he inched nearer.

“Let’s go to my room, doll.” Yukhei retracted all forms of contact with you, making you pout. He reached for your hand before guiding you to his bedroom. You didn’t have time to scan the environment because as soon as you walked in, Yukhei pressed you up against the door, kissing you ever so passionately. You moaned when you felt him bite on your lips, your arms flying up to rest them on his shoulder. His hands fell to your thighs, gripping them and signaling you to jump up, which you did, and then he carried you to his bed. He laid you on the soft mattress, crawling in between your thighs. His hand tugged on the hem of your shirt, wanting to take it off and you gave him assurance that he could. He wasted no time pulling the fabric off your head. His eyes hungrily scanning your body which made you shy, wanting to cover yourself up but he grabbed your wrists to prevent you from doing so.

“You’re absolutely beautiful, you don’t have to hide anything from me.” He kissed you once again, his hands roaming your body., your breasts specifically. He cupped your breasts through your bra.

“Take them off.” You whispered against his lips, he complied. Hand reaching up to unclasp it from behind. He swiftly pulled it off of you. His mouth practically watering at your bare body. He attached his mouth to one of your breasts while his hand kneaded the other. Your hand reached up to grip on his hair, you couldn’t help but moan when he started sucking and licking on your nipple, while his fingers flicked on the other. You wrapped your legs around his waist, wanting to feel him close, you whined at the way his clothed bulge brushed against your core.

Yukhei pulled away from your breast, prepping kisses on your stomach all the way to your inner thigh, his hand made its way to the button of the shorts you were wearing, quickly unbuttoning them and pulling it off of you. You were only left in your panties yet he was still fully clothed, you gripped on the hem of his shirt, quickly getting the message he swiftly took it off. Leaving his bare toned chest in full view. You bit your lip at the sight, of course you’ve seen him shirtless due to his job but it was different when you were being so intimate with one another.

“You like what you see, baby?” He smirked, seeing your expression.

“Very much.”

“Can I take this off?” His fingers hooking the waistband of your underwear, you simply nodded, watching him pull it away, cringing at the sticky feeling it previously had. He pulled your body down as he laid down on his stomach, your core very near his face that you felt his warm breath fanning against it. You sucked in a breath when he kissed your inner thighs once more. His hand hooked under your legs, placing his palm on your abdomen to keep you from moving.

“Yukhei.” You breathed, your cheeks felt like burning from the lack of contact.

“Tell me what you want.” He inched closer to you.

“Your tongue.” You managed to let out, as he continued kissing you everywhere but where you needed him the most.

“What about my tongue?”

“Please, Yukhei, fuck me with your tongue.” You whimpered out, finally feeling his tongue on your core. His tongue striding your wet slit, he groaned once he got a taste of how sweet you were. The tip of his tongue swirled circles on your clit, making you gasp loudly as you arched your back. You haven’t been this intimate with anyone, the closest thing you have had touched you there was your own fingers and it was nowhere good to what he was doing to you now. Your hand reached up to curl your fingers through his hair, tugged it lightly making him groan. He harshly sucked on your sensitive bundle of nerves, flicking over it simultaneously, not holding your moans back as he did. his tongue delved between your folds, lapping your juices. He brought his hand down from your abdomen and onto your clit, his thumb rubbing circles on it. You felt a knot starting to form inside you as his tongue took care of you.

“I-I’m gonna...” Yukhei quickened his actions, and you couldn’t hold it in anymore. Your orgasm came crashing down on you, your thighs slightly trembling when it did. He pressed one last kiss on your cunt, before pulling away and halting all actions immediately. He sat back up, his hand resting on your leg as you watched his expression. His mouth was covered by your wetness, making you giggle. He merely smirked and leaned down to give you a kiss. Tasting your arousal from his lips.

“You did great, princess.” He mumbled when he pulled away from your lips. You let out a breath, your hands reaching up to caress his cheeks. He picked up your underwear from the side, helping you put them back on. “Do you want to stay the night?” He grabbed his discarded shirt and handed it over to you, indicating that you should wear it for the night. He just loved seeing you in his clothes.

You nodded in agreement, it wasn’t the first time you two spent the night together. He has slept at your place multiple times now, claiming that he was too lazy to even bother going home.

“Have you never had a girlfriend? Like at all? Not even once?” You asked him when you were settled in his arms.

“I don’t think so? Women would like to claim I dated them though.” He pulled you closer to him, his hand resting on your back as your legs were tangled to one another.

“What a player.” You scoffed, before placing your hand on his chest tracing small patterns on it.

“Not anymore.” His simple words somehow eased your heart, of course you were touched to hear it especially when it came from someone like him.

“You’re just a softie, aren’t you.” You didn’t know why but knowing that you were Yukhei’s longest relationship, or even only relationship, you felt some kind of pressure especially when he’s been with different women.

“Are you complaining?” He raised his eyebrow, looking at you.

“No, I love it.” You yawned, snuggling closer to him.

“Goodnight, baby.”

You woke up to the sound of talking the next day, patting the bed to feel for the presence you’ve grown fond of but you were greeted with an empty space. Frowning to yourself, you got out of bed, putting some decent clothes on before walking out into the living room. You saw Yukhei and Sicheng talking —more like arguing— very heatedly.

“He’s mad, Lucas, and now he found out about Y/N, I don’t think he’ll rest until you give him what he wants.”

“I’ll talk to him soon, don’t worry. I’ll handle it.”

“Yeah, but where will you get-“ Sicheng caught sight of your figure from behind Yukhei, making him shut up completely. Sicheng gestured to you, Yukhei turned around and smiled immediately when he saw you.

“Baby! Good morning.” You walk in the living room, feeling guilty because you disturbed their conversation. Yukhei turned back to Sicheng, “We’ll talk about this next time.” He whispered so only he could hear him. Sicheng merely nodded then turned to face you.

“Y/N, hi, so I see you spent the night.”

“Hi, Sicheng. I did, how are you?” You sent him a small smile.

“I’m great, but I have to leave now. It was nice seeing you again.” Sicheng bid his goodbye to you and Yukhei before leaving the place. Yukhei went to the kitchen and you trailed after him, your mind still clouding over what they were previously talking about. You would have paid no mind to what it was but you heard your name and you couldn’t just ignore it.

“What was that about?” You threaded lightly, watching him take out a pan and a few breakfast ingredients. His back was turned to you so you couldn’t really see his facial expression. “Can you even cook?”

“Actually no, and I was hoping you would cook for us.” He finally turned to face you, a goofy smile on his face this time. “Unless you don’t want to of course, we can always go out to eat, but I’ve tasted your pancakes before and it was really good.”

“I don’t mind cooking.” You stepped in place before grabbing the pan and putting it on the stove. You expertly handled the ingredients of the pancake. You felt Yukhei’s presence behind you before his arms wrapped around your waist, his chin resting on your shoulder.

“You don’t have to worry about what happened earlier. It’s nothing your pretty head should stress about.” Yukhei mumbled, as you continued to make the pancakes he requested.

“Are you sure?”

“I promise.” He planted a kiss on your cheek before letting you go so you wouldn’t burn the food. You decided to trust his words, and let the topic go, after all you knew he would take care of everything, including you.

“Did I tell you I have a fight in three days?” Yukhei spoke up while in the middle of consuming his pancakes, he told you how much he loved your cooking and he wouldn’t mind coming home to it, although it was too early, you somehow pictured the two of you living together.

You shook your head in response before putting your plate in the sink. “I don’t think you did. Do you want me to come?”

“Of course I do, you’re my good luck charm.”

“The day that jinxes, I will fight you.” You glared at him, crossing your arms against your chest though he simply lets out a laugh at your adorable state.

“Are you sure you want to fight me, princess?” He smirked, standing up to wrap you in his arms. “Come on, let’s shower.”

“Together!?” You shrieked, pulling away from his arms to stare at him in disbelief.

“You said it, not me.” He laughed, before hooking his arms around you once again.

“Yukhei.” You groaned, placing your head against his chest.

“I love that, say my name again.”

“Shut up, Yukhei.”

——

The day and hour of the match finally arrived, your usual seat with Soyeon beside you but this time Hendery was also on your side. He claimed that since you were dating someone who he considered his brother that you should get along quite well with everyone else, and you didn’t disagree. It was heartwarming to know that they welcomed you with open arms. The match shortly began, the short introduction of the players being called out before you saw Yukhei come running in the ring. Your heartbeat began increasing, as you watched the match begin. It started with Yukhei immediately throwing his punches, which his opponent skillfully dodges. The match felt like it was being dragged on seeing as the opponent was quite the expert himself, you winced every time Yukhei received a punch, even seeing blood trickle out of his mouth.

Everything being too much for you, you closed your eyes and bowed your head instead. Hendery noticed your behavior which he frowned upon, seeing how uncomfortable the whole thing must be for you. The ring of the bell caused you to look up and see who won the match. Yukhei was, standing over the knocked out opponent, his breath rigid as he raised his hands in victory. A few cheers were heard before he stepped out of the ring, Yukhei looked horrible, with blood gushing out and his eye badly beaten up. Usually he would come up to you after his matches but this time he went straight back to the where you’re guessing is the locker room. Minutes have passed by and Yukhei still wasn’t coming out, so you had no choice but to watch Kun‘s match. You have never actually seen him fight before, seeing as you immediately left after Yukhei’s round, but now having the chance you saw that he was really good at it as well, no wonder he and Yukhei got along so easily.

Your phone buzzed, indicating that you got a text and you fished it out of your pocket to see that Yukhei has sent you a text

Yukhei 🤍 (7:28pm)

Meet me outside

You apologized to Soyeon and Hendery for leaving abruptly which they understood, before bidding your goodbyes to the two. You walked out of the arena, spotting Yukhei leaning over his car. You walked towards him, seeing him dressed in sweatpants and a hoodie.

“Hi, Y/N.” He greeted you once you were in his sight.

“Hi, Yukhei. What happened? Are you okay? You didn’t come see me after your match.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I got beaten up pretty badly and I didn’t want you to see me that way.” He ushered you in his car so that you could leave, and he drove off immediately.

“You know I won’t mind, I’d still like your face no matter how badly you got beaten up.” You smiled at him, but soon dropped when you noticed his vague expression.

“You’re just being nice.” He mumbled, more under his breath but you caught onto it anyway.

“I am not!” You defended, wondering why he was acting this way.

“Whatever.”

“Yukhei, what’s wrong?” You asked, wanting to reach for his hand.

“Nothing! Just, it wouldn’t fucking hurt for you to be honest sometimes.” He grumbled which took you aback. He never gets mad at you, this side of him surprised you.

“Excuse me? Where are you getting this attitude?” He didn’t respond instead you swore you saw him roll his eyes at you. “Stop the car.”

“What? No.” He turned to look at you, lines forming on his forehead. You were well aware that you were glaring at him right now.

“Stop!” He parked the car on the side, stepping on the brakes. He let out a huge sigh before letting go of the wheel and covering his face with his hands.

“I planned something tonight and,” Yukhei looked up and faced you, the dim lights from outside glistening on his face. You saw the black eye forming, his lip sort of busted, and the bruise on his jaw. “I got beaten up like a fucking loser and I feel ugly...”

“Yukhei,” You reached up to grab his hand, intertwining it with yours. “you are nowhere near ugly. Your face is practically sculpted by the gods. What was your plan for tonight? I’m sure you can still do it.”

“I want to fuck you.” You nearly choked at his words before lightly slapping his hand.

“You snapped at me for that!?” You glared at him, crossing your arms against your chest.

“No, well maybe, but I wanted to look sexy for you and I look horrible so it ruins the mood.”

“You do not look horrible.”

“Y/N, please, I have a throbbing black eye, and my lip has a huge bump on it. I know when I look horrible, so no we are not continuing my plans for tonight.”

“How about I suck your dick then?”

“Fuck, don’t say things you don’t mean.” He groaned.

You climbed over to sit on his lap, your legs on either sides of his thighs. Showing him that you indeed meant what you said. You lightly pressed your lips against his, not wanting to cause him any pain. You didn’t miss how Yukhei winced when you kissed him, causing you to immediately pull away.

“Does it hurt?”

“Kinda.” He shrugged before leaning in to kiss you once again, he didn’t mind getting hurt if it was because of you. You held onto his shoulders for support, feeling his growing bulge underneath you. You rocked your hips against him, making him let out a low groan.

“Baby.” Yukhei breathed, his hands resting on your waist. He leaned in your neck, kissing and sucking on the skin. You continued grinding your hips on his crotch. His grip on your waist tightened. “Don’t tease me now, doll.” You slipped off his lap and kneeled in front of him, minding the steering wheel that was above your head. Yukhei adjusted his seat so that you had more room. Your hands made its way to his belt, unbuckling it before unbuttoning and unzipping his pants with one hand while you palmed him through his jeans with the other. You slid his pants off with his assistance, he was left in his boxers and you saw how his cock strained against the material. You licked your lips at the sight before slipping your fingers reached for the waistband of his boxers, he lifted his hips as you pulled them down. His cock sprang up, lightly slapping against his stomach. Your eyes widened at his size, you knew he was big but clearly didn’t expect this.

“Are you just going to stare or are you going to be a good girl and suck?” Yukhei growled, seeing his cock twitch made you smirk. You reached up and wrapped one hand around it which made him groan and throw his head back. Your thumb at the slit of his cock, spreading the pre cum that he released. You started running your hand up and down oh his shaft as you felt arousal rushing to your core. You licked your lips before leaning in to lightly lick the tip. “Fuck, stop teasing me.” You poked your tongue out even more, licking every possible spot of his cock that you could before wrapping your lips around the throbbing tip. You hummed against him, which shot through his body making his cock twitch. You started sucking lightly around his making him let out a few curses, his eyes fully trained on you which made you shy. You lowered your head a bit more, trying to take up as much as you possibly could, your hand covering parts that you couldn’t reach. “That feels so fucking good, baby.” He breathed out, you slowly started bobbing your head around him and occasionally sucking on it when you could. Yukhei’s hand reached up to collect your hair and turn it into a makeshift ponytail, his hand guiding you onto him, but not forcing you all the way. You continued your actions until Yukhei was a hot swearing mess. You felt your throat burn at the feeling but you didn’t mind, especially when you saw how powerless Yukhei got. “Can I come in your mouth, baby?” His breath was shaky as he tried to contain himself from thrusting his hips into your mouth. Since it was your first time with him, he wanted to be as gentle as possible. You took him out of your mouth, your hand stroking him up and down before giving him a now. You leaned down once again to suck on his tip, bobbing your head up and down but this time at a faster motion. His grip on your hair tightened, his hips slightly lifting to meet your pace. His groans started to get loud and you knew he was close. Without warning, hot liquid started to shoot out and into your throat. You let go of his cock, and he let go of your hair, his head falling behind him as he catches his breath. You swallowed all of what he gave you, wiping your mouth with the back of your hand before looking up to him.

Yukhei was already staring at you, a small smile at his lips as he watched you sit there between his legs. “Did you like it?”

“I loved it. You’re so good, doll.” He reached for his pants and boxers, sliding them on. You slowly got up from your position, sitting back on his thighs. He cupped your cheek, stroking it lightly.

“That was my first time.” You confessed watching his face contort to disbelief.

“No way! You totally knew what you were doing.”

“Thanks to porn, I guess.” You shrugged before kissing him on the cheek and going back to the passenger seat. Yukhei chuckled in amusement, and drove off.

——

You were called in at the flower shop that you worked in, telling you that they needed an extra hand for the deliveries that was coming in that day. You had no choice rather than to agree, since you needed the cash anyways. You were arranging flower patterns when you noticed a man enter the shop. You looked up to greet the customer, shocked to see a man with a full tattoo on his neck, wearing a leather jacket in this heat. He looks like someone who works in Yukhei’s field of expertise.

“Hi! How may I help you?”

“Are you Y/N?” He asked, his voice deep but sickeningly sweet, eyes scanning you from head to toe which made you very uncomfortable. It was peculiar that he knew your name, and you wondered how else he would know your name if it weren’t connected to Yukhei. You hesitated for quite a long time, pondering whether to give him your actual name or something to cover you up with.

“How do you know me?”

“Yukhei’s girl?” He raised his brow.

“Maybe.” He took a step forward before gripping on your arm rather tightly, and before you could let out a scream you felt a sharp metal against your waist.

“Scream and I’ll shoot.” You had no choice but to swallow the sound you were about to emit. “Follow me and we’ll have no trouble.”

You ended up following him like he said, as he shoved you at the back of a black van. You hissed at the contact, seeing two other men inside the van. You tried scooting away but one grabbed you by your ankles to yank you towards him.

“What the fuck!” You screamed, trying to kick off his grip but he was obviously stronger than you. You watched as he tied a rope around your feet.

“Don’t want you running away now do we, doll?” You cringed at the way he called you something Yukhei often uses as an endearment. The other guy reached up behind you, wrapping your wrists with a rope as well. Any movements were practically useless by now so you didn’t waste any effort to break free. To say you weren’t anxious was a lie since your heart was beating so loud against your chest that they could probably hear it as well. You took note of the appearances of the people around you instead. The guy who held you by your feet had dark pink hair which was a contradiction against his whole dark facade. The guy who tied your wrists had bright white hair, a sharp jaw and an eyebrow slit. You couldn’t quite point your finger on who they were, but you were guessing they knew Yukhei since the first guy mentioned him.

Yukhei. Your mind drifted to your boyfriend, he told you he was picking you up today so that you could continue what was apparently disrupted the other time.

“How are you so calm? Isn’t this your first time being kidnapped?” The guy with pink hair spoke up, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion at your silent state. In fact, you too were quite shocked that you still managed to keep shut at this situation.

“Do you want me to scream then?”

“Taeyong, shut up.” The guy with white hair warned Taeyong.

“Ah, so you have names.” You spoke up, watching as White Hair turned to face you with a glare evident on his eyes.

“Can we all just shut up until we get where we need to be.”

“Okay, white hair.” You didn’t miss how Taeyong snickered at your statement, causing his friend to slap him on his arm.

“Yuta, and the one you met earlier is Jaehyun. Now, quiet down.”

Not wanting to fight back, you followed his instructions and zipped your mouth shut for the entire ride. It didn’t take long before the car came to a halt. The two men got of the car.

“Can’t you just take off the ones at my feet? Do you honestly think I would run away.”

“I don’t trust you well enough, and be quiet we’re the ones in charge.” Yuta spat, grabbing your body before placing you on his shoulder.

“At least buy me dinner first, damn.” You let out, your head feeling fuzzy from being upside down. You swore you could’ve seen Taeyong smile from the corner of your eye.

“Fuck, she’s annoying. Take her.” Yuta handed you to Taeyong who carried you bridal style like a person in their right mind would. You always thought you would be one of those victims who would drive their kidnappers crazy, funny how you were right. Your eyes wandered around the environment, seeing that you drove to some kind of empty warehouse. The second you entered the place, you saw a familiar figure.

“Yukhei!” You yelled out, his head whipping in your direction seeing his more than shocked expression. You were more than relieved to see his presence.

“What the fuck!?” Yukhei walked towards you but Jaehyun stopped him from getting any closer. Taeyong settled you down on a chair nearby, your hands and feet still tied up. “Why the fuck is she here? I’m already here. Why are you dragging her into this? And she’s fucking tied up, she’s not an animal.”

“Wasn’t sure if you would actually pull through.”

“Of course I would. I said I would, didn’t I? Let her fucking go.” Yukhei growled, veins almost popping out of his neck.

“Money.”

Yukhei threw the duffle bag he had with him onto Jaehyun’s chest, and with Jaehyun’s signal, Taeyong and Yuta untied you from the confinements. Yukhei scrambled his way to you, his hands cupping your face.

“Are you okay? Did they hurt you? I’m so sorry you got dragged into this.” You didn’t say anything instead you wrapped your arms around him, more than happy that you saw him and that you were not actually being held hostage. “Jaehyun this is fucked up!” Yukhei growled at the man after he let you go. Jaehyun didn’t seem to be fazed not one bit, his eyes landed on you before a smirk formed on his lips, his entire presence made you shiver.

“I wasn’t going to fuck with her, Lucas.” Jaehyun’s voice dripped in venom as he carefully chose his words. “I just wanted to make sure you kept your part of the deal, and if you didn’t, well you could imagine.” He scoffed, getting ready to walk out the place but Yukhei stopped him by putting a hand on his chest and curling his fist against his shirt.

“Pull this stunt one more fucking time, I will have your head on a platter.” Yukhei spat, but only loud enough for the both of them to hear. He let go of Jaehyun, returning his attention to you before dragging you away from the place.

“See you in the ring, Lucas!” Jaehyun’s voice called out one last time before Yukhei dragged you to his car.

It was crystal clear that Yukhei wasn’t in the right state of mind due to his knuckles turning white from gripping the steering wheel too hard, and his jaw clenching every now and then. Your mind was still clouding with thought from the previous events, why did Yukhei own Jaehyun money? And why the hell were you dragged in the chaos? You wanted to bombard him with questions but you didn’t want him lashing out on you.

“Are you mad?” You squeaked out, rubbing your hands against your jeans. You watched as his eyes turned soft for a second, yet he kept his gaze on the road.

“Not at you.” Was all he said before the car went silent once again. You pursed your lips before deciding to turn your head to the window instead.

Yukhei was livid. He loathed how Jaehyun found and captured you even though he threatened him quite a bunch of what would happen if he laid a finger on you. He couldn’t believe that he actually did and he knew it was to spite him. Yukhei owed Jaehyun a large amount of money due to drugs. Drugs that he took nearly every single day to someone escape the harsh reality of his life. He was rushed to the hospital once because of it, and ever since then his friends had a drug ban around him to help him recover, which he thinks is shitty since they didn’t withdraw with him. Yukhei hasn’t taken a drag even since the incident happened, well maybe he has once but he wouldn’t tell them that.

Yukhei knew why Jaehyun held a grudge against him. It was because Yukhei slept with Jaehyun’s girl, it wasn’t entirely his fault since she never once mentioned that she was taken and allowed Yukhei to sleep with her, not just once but multiple times. Long story short, Jaehyun walked in while they were in the middle of fucking. Of course Yukhei knew why Jaehyun was so angry considering he now knows what it feels to have someone you treasured, and Yukhei would be heartbroken if someone did the same. That’s why he didn’t bother making amends with him, it wasn’t like they had quite a friendship that he needed to rekindle it.

The car came to a halt and you were about to open the door and head out when Yukhei gripped on your arm. “Can I stay with you tonight?” You nodded, allowing him and you both went inside your apartment.

Yukhei was dead silent, and it worried you that he might be thinking too much that he thinks he couldn’t voice out his thoughts to you. You both got in bed, after changing out of your clothes and into new ones.

“Would you mind telling me what’s on your mind?” You mumbled, seeing Yukhei on the far end of the bed as if he was purposely trying not to be near you. He turned his head to face you before letting out a sigh. He shit his body so that he was entirely facing you.

“I’m so sorry you got dragged into this mess. It must’ve been so scary, Jaehyun is fucking stupid.” He frowned, genuinely worried about you. “I owed him money because I used to buy drugs from him.” You had to make sure you heard him correctly, your mouth slightly opening as you registered what he said.

“Drugs?” You knew he had his vices, and you didn’t know why what he said surprised you. You even saw him take cigarettes quite a few times now, which never really bothered you and you were in no place to tell him what he should and shouldn’t do, you weren’t his mother.

“Yes, please listen to me first, baby.” He paused, seeing you nod. “Yes I used to take drugs, but that was in the past. I once almost overdosed on it so that’s why the boys made sure I don’t take any anymore.” The thought of Yukhei taking drugs brought shivers to your spine, of course you had nothing against it. You just couldn’t picture it in your head.

“You don’t anymore, right?” You questioned, crinkling your nose.

“I don’t, I only did it because it somehow gave me relief.”

“That’s nice to hear, Yukhei.” You hummed a tune.

“Since... you’re the one who gives me relief now. I love you, Y/N.” He confessed, you felt the tears forming at your eyes from his words. It was the first time those three words ever came up. You pulled him in for a soft kiss, feeling his smile against the kiss.

“I love you too, Yukhei.”

Yukhei’s hand reached up to cup your cheek, pressing a much more passionate kiss on your lips. You returned his energy, your hand pulling at his shirt against his chest. His tongue swiped on your lower lip, asking for entrance, you gladly opened your mouth. His tongue fighting with yours for dominance which he easily won, roaming your entire mouth. His hand went to your waist, signaling you to move, and you did, hooking your leg around him and lifting yourself so that you were straddling his lips all without breaking contact with his lips. He rested his hands on your thigh as you pulled away from his lips, moving your lips to his neck instead, pampering it with kisses before harshly sucking and licking on an area which caused him to let out a groan. You felt his bulge hardening underneath you, and you rocked your hips against him. His grip on your thighs tightened.

“Fuck, baby.” He breathed, his hand pulling on the hem of your shirt and you pulled away so he could slip it off your body. He was greeted with your black lingerie which made him cock his eyebrow. “Almost like you knew this was going to happen.”

“I did not!” You protested, feeling shy all of the sudden.

“Beautiful.” He adjusted his body so that he was leaning against the headboard, he leaned his head against your breasts, pressing a kiss on the exposed areas. Your breath hitched as he cupped your breasts against your bra, massaging them lightly before he reached one hand behind you and unclasped it easily. He licked his lips once your bare breasts was revealed, taking one nipple in his mouth, the tip of his tongue ran over the sensitive bud making you moan as your arousal started to pool in your underwear, his other hand made sure to give your other nipple as much as attention by gently rubbing it, occasionally lightly pinching it with his fingers. “Will you let me fuck you tonight, doll?” He mumbled, and you nodded feeling even more turned on by his choice of words. In a blink of an eye, your positions were switched and he was on top while your back laid against the bed. His fingers hooked on the waistband of your shorts and underwear and in one swift motion, you were completely bare while he was still fully clothed. As if he read your thoughts, he stripped out of the shirt he was wearing making you trail your hand on his chest.

Yukhei leaned forward to kiss you on the lips once again, feeling his hand make its way to your core. You gasped when he started rubbing on your clit, moaning when he applied pressure. He slid his fingers up and down your folds before inserting two into you, slowly pumping them in and out of you. You whimpered, as his thumb toyed with your clit while simultaneously picking his pace up. He curled his fingers which earned him a loud moan from you. Your hand flew to his hair, gripping on it while he continued his movements.

“Y-Yukhei, I’m gonna come.” You breathed out, staring directly in his eyes.

“Then come for me, baby.” He kissed your lips, feeling his fingers dig even deeper inside you. Your legs tried closing against his wrist which he only spread apart once again with his other hand.

“Fuck!” You cried out when you felt your orgasm washing over you.

He pulled away his fingers when you did, and he put his fingers in his mouth, tasting your juices. You felt heat rush to your cheeks from his actions but he just groaned when he got a taste of you. “Always so sweet for me.” He pulled away from you, only to discard his pants and underwear, leaving him completely bare and your mouth almost watered at the sight. His cock slapped against his abdomen, spots of pre cum leaking his slit and you couldn’t wait for him. “Are you on the pill, baby? I want to come inside you.” You nodded, assuring him that you were indeed on the pill, that was all he needed before he hungrily kissed you on the lips. He spread your legs wider, his hand pumping his cock a few times before aligning it at your entrance, he ran the tip over your folds before sliding his cock inside you. You gasped at the uncomfortable sensation, your hand gripping at his shoulder, trying to ease the pain. “I’m sorry, I know it hurts, but it will get better I promise.” Once you were used to the feeling, you told him to move. He slowly pushed himself inside you even more, before beginning to thrust in and out. His hands gripped on your hips as he began to pick up his pace, moans slipped out of your lips which turned him on even more. He leaned down to press a kiss on your lips, your legs wrapping around his waist which allowed him to ram deeper into you from a new angle. The sound of skin slapping echoed throughout the room, he positioned his hands on either side of your head to support himself while his thrusts gained more force, pounding into you while hitting your g-spot perfectly.

“Fuck, right there.” You whined, feeling a burning sensation at the pit of your stomach from the pleasure.

“I love you.” He whispered in between thrusts which made you squeeze your eyes shut from the overwhelming feeling.

“I-I love you too, Yukhei.” You gasped out, clenching around him as you felt your orgasm approaching, he continued his actions, his hand reaching up to cup your breast and pinch your nipples which only built up your orgasm even more.

He groaned, feeling his orgasm coming along as well which only made him pick up his pace even more. “Come for me, princess.”

“I’m c-close.” You spoke between your moans, feeling like you’re about to burst at any moment. “Shit!” Your second orgasm came crashing all over you, feeling your thighs shake from the insane amount of pleasure.

“Such a good girl.” His thrusts started to slow down, feeling his own orgasm come along. He pushed inside you one last time before releasing inside you, you felt his warm cum spurt inside you. He let go of your body, pulling himself out of you. Your body squirming when you felt his cum ooze out of you.

Yukhei stood up from the bed, only to walk in the bathroom and grab a damp towel. He walked back in to see you trying to sit up in bed, he sat next to you, wiping you clean with the towel. You smiled at the gesture, grabbing his discarded shirt from the side before putting it one. He threw the towel in the hamper, turning the lights off and climbed in bed with you. He pulled you against his bare chest, you inhaled and you got a whiff of his scent, he smelled like sex and flowers. “I have a match tomorrow.” Yukhei blurted out.

“That was fast.” You yawned, eyes starting to drift shut.

“It’s with Jaehyun.” You felt him stiff under you, you opened your eyes to look at him. Though he seemed unfazed, you felt like there was something deeper to it.

“Have you fought him before?”

“Once, it ended in a tie though, wasn’t too happy about it.” He turned his head to you, pressing a kiss on your forehead. “I’m still sorry about what he did to you, I’ll make sure he pays.”

“Stop apologizing, I’m fine and I’m here with you. That’s all that matters.”

“I love you, Y/N. You have no idea how much I do.” He whispered.

“I love you, too, Yukhei, more than you could imagine.”

Apparently Yukhei and Jaehyun’s fight was one of the most anticipated one. The arena was even more packed than it usually was. You sat in your usual area, this time with the rest of Yukhei’s friends around you. You asked Yangyang why their match was most awaited, he told you it was because of how their last match that concluded in a tie left everyone hanging and that they’re just excited to see who will finally win this one.

Yukhei sat backstage, wrapping his hands with the bandage, doing a few stretches. Jaehyun walked in, a triumph smirk on his face that Yukhei found annoying.

“Lucas.” Jaehyun greeted him with a curt nod, Yukhei barely paid attention to him, continuing with what he was doing. “Don’t be rude. I was trying to be friendly.”

“What do you want?” Yukhei spat, eyes staring daggers at him.

“Easy tiger, I was just wondering what will happen if I win? Will you let me fuck your girl then, you know to make it fair?”

Yukhei saw blood. He abruptly stood up from where he was sitting, getting ready to throw hands at Jaehyun who still haven’t wiped of the stupid smirk on his face. “Don’t even fucking think about it.” He growled, facing him. “Why are you so fucking hung up over what I did!”

“Because I loved her, Lucas, maybe you don’t understand but you fucking ruined everything I had with her because she thought you would be with her afterwards.” Jaehyun snapped, jaw clenching after speaking.

“No, she ruined it. I didn’t even know she was dating you.”

Jaehyun scoffed at his words, clearly not believing a word Yukhei was spewing. As Jaehyun opened his mouth to speak, someone came in, announcing that the match was about to start. With that, the two men split up, but not before Jaehyun provoked Yukhei even more by telling him he couldn’t wait to see you.

The players were being introduced, per usual they came running the ring shortly after. You watched Yukhei’s very obvious angry expression, and you glanced back to Jaehyun who seemed to be enjoying seeing Yukhei this way. Something felt wrong, your stomach was twisting as you watched the two men. Your heart beating against your chest, Yangyang must’ve noticed your state for he placed his hand in yours, somehow finding a way to comfort you. You silently thanked him and with a loud ring of the bell, the match began.

Yukhei nearly lunged at Jaehyun which was something he wouldn’t usually do since he would always wait for the opponent to come to him first. Yukhei started throwing punches, some of them were dodged by Jaehyun while some were coming in contact. When Yukhei was caught off guard that’s when Jaehyun struck back swiftly punching Yukhei in areas he knew he wouldn’t expect. To say Jaehyun wasn’t good was a lie, seeing him too worked on beating Yukhei up as if it was no big deal. You nearly cried out at the sight of Yukhei barely putting in the effort of hitting Jaehyun back.

“Why won’t you punch back, you fucking coward!” Jaehyun yelled, repeatedly hitting Yukhei’s chest yet he retracted all movements. All he could think of was how he sabotaged Jaehyun’s relationship, and that he probably deserved the beating he was getting. Yukhei lowered his fist as he received punches to his face. You stood up from your seat, wanting to scream at him to move but Yangyang held you back down so instead you sobbed as you watched Yukhei continuously receive the punches Jaehyun was throwing. Soon after, Yukhei’s body dropped to the floor, and with the ring of the bell, the match was over.

You stared in shock as Yukhei’s unconscious body laid on the floor then you felt anger seeping through you. “Why isn’t anyone helping him!?” You yelled out, your gaze drifting to the boys, seeing Kun who was already on the phone calling the paramedics.

“Underground fighting is illegal for a reason, Y/N, there’s no rules hence they can decide what they will or will not do.” Xiaojun spoke but you barely paid attention to what he said. You watched with wary eyes as Jaehyun claimed his victory.

Yukhei woke up to a pounding headache, he reached up to touch his forehead, feeling the bandage that was wrapped around it. He scanned the environment, seeing the white sheets that embraced his body. He frowned when he noticed how quiet the room was, due to it being empty. He shut his eyes once again, and then opened them after a few minutes. He was surprised to see that you were in the room, curious of how he didn’t see you enter. He called out your name, which had your head turning to his direction.

“Yukhei, hey baby. How are you feeling?” You asked him, sitting on the edge of his bed, you saw his eyes turn into panic when he saw you. “What’s wrong? Do you want me to call the doctor?”

“Y/N!” He screamed, his hands flying up to his hair. “Y/N! Why can’t I hear you?!” He sobbed, your heart dropped as his words. “Why is nothing making sound!?” The doctor came rushing in when he heard the commotion and you stood back with tears in your eyes as they examined him. They told you that his deafness was caused by the concussion he had from the match, and that he had a chance of healing from this since it can be temporary.

You sat beside Yukhei, his eyes red from the way he cried. You reached for his hand, pressing a kiss on it. You wanted to comfort him and tell him that everything will be alright but you knew he would just be stressed out even more if he couldn’t hear what you were saying. Instead you sat by him and held his hand.

Yukhei was discharged from the hospital a week later, with the doctor’s note that he should be watched over and come back when he had progressed. Yukhei wasn’t in his usual self recently though you wouldn’t blame him, he still had a few bruises on him that were fading as weeks passed by, and the bandage that was wrapped around his head will be removed in a few days. He wouldn’t try to speak since he knew he wouldn’t hear what he would say and it would just remind him of his condition. You kept your word and took care of Yukhei as weeks passed by. You tried balancing your studies and being there for him. You had to quit your part time job at the flower shop since it brought back unwanted memories. You’ve been staying at his house for the mean time, wanting to be able to give him aid whenever he needed it though he would barely ask you for any. Yukhei would often spend his time sleeping the days away, only waking up when he had to eat or go to the bathroom. You completely understood where his behavior is coming from so you were being lenient with him, you knew he was already exhausted enough as it is. The boys would often visit Yukhei as well, wanting him to know that they will be there throughout his entire recovery.

Ten walked in on Yukhei, his head in his hands as tears slipped out of his eyes. He almost called him subconsciously which he mentally facepalmed himself for. Instead, Ten took a seat beside Yukhei, rubbing his back to comfort him.

“I’m so tired, it’s been nearly two months.” Yukhei sobbed out, leaning into Ten’s touch. Ten was surprised to hear Yukhei speak since he wasn’t really in the mood for talking ever since his condition began. “I still can’t hear shit.” Ten’s heart broke at the sight of his younger friend breaking down in tears, he didn’t know what to do so he kept quiet and held him in his arms until he felt slightly better. He almost felt sorry for him, but he would never tell him that. “I want to quit boxing.”

Ten’s eyes widened at his sudden words. “Lucas...” He started not knowing how to respond to what he just revealed.

“I feel like everything is my fault. Y/N is suffering because of me.”

Ten shook his head in disagreement. “No stop that, nothing is your fault. You didn’t do anything.”

Yukhei saw Ten move his lips but he didn’t pay no mind to them, the voices in his head were too loud. “She was kidnapped because of me, she had to quit her job because of it, and now all she does is stay here and take care of me like a baby. I don’t deserve her.”

“Stop saying that! Of course you deserve her, she’s your happiness isn’t she? And you deserve happiness.” Ten felt useless telling him all these words, he wanted so bad for Yukhei to receive his words so he whipped out his phone instead and typed down what he'd been saying. Yukhei lightly laughed at his attempt of getting him to understand what he was saying.

“Thank you, Ten.”

You came home later that night from your quick trip from the grocery store. Setting the bags of food you had down on the kitchen counter, you wandered around to find Yukhei. When he wasn’t in any of the rooms, your brows furrowed, wondering where he could possibly be.

You heard the water from the bathroom, confirming that he was in there. You decided to join him. Pushing open the door, you saw him behind the glass shower door. You stripped out of your clothes before joining him, you placed your hands on his bare back, making your presence known. He spun around to face you, a slight smile on his face when he saw you.

“Hi.” He mumbled, moving aside so that the water would hit your figure. You grinned in response before taking the bottle of shampoo from the side. You gestured the bottle and his hair which he nodded to and leaned down so that you could reach his hair. Pouring shampoo on your palm, rubbing your hands together before massaging his scalp with it. The bathroom quiet with only the running water could be heard. “I love you. Thank you for taking care of me.” He mumbled while you were in the middle of rinsing the shampoo out of his hair.

“I love you too. You don’t have to thank me.” He watched as your lips moved, trying to read the words off of it. Once you were done rinsing, he grabbed your wrists making you halt your movements. You watch as the water streamed down his beautiful face, his eyes watching you with full adoration. He leaned closer to you before he pressed his lips against yours softly. The sweet and intimate moment made your heart skip a beat. The shower ended not long after, deciding to end the day in each other's arms.

——

Yukhei was being needy. He hasn't touched you in so long because he wasn’t really in the mood to do anything if he couldn’t hear the beautiful sounds you made. But he just couldn’t handle it now, he needed you. So he did, you spent the day in bed and under the sheets. Making one another feel good and after countless orgasms later, you finally decided to rest. Your naked bodies tangled under the duvet.

“Can I tell you a secret?” He mumbled, and you nodded in response. “I kinda hear you but the sound is very muffled, unclear.” You sat up in bed from his news, an obvious grin on your face.

“Yukhei, that’s so great!” You clasped a hand against your mouth from the amount of joy you were feeling. After three months there were finally signs of him getting better.

“And I’m planning on quitting boxing.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I realized I can’t continue living off of it, and that if I want to keep you by my side then I should do something that wouldn’t harm you.” His eyes started to wander off as if he was in deep thought. Honestly, he didn’t know what he had in plan, he wasn’t even sure if he would get any job opportunities since he didn’t really finish school.

“You know I would still support you no matter what.” You reached for his hand and grasping it with yours, the pad of his thumb subconsciously drawing patterns on the back of your hand. His eyes watching your every move.

“Speak louder for me, baby.” You repeated your words until he understood. “I know that, doll. But I can’t keep boxing forever, better to stop while it’s early. And besides, I want to marry you, you can’t have a beaten up husband on your wedding day.”

Your breath hitched in your throat from the way he said it so casually while your mouth agape with shock. “You want to marry me?”

“Of course, I do. I wouldn’t have you around if I didn’t.” Yukhei felt absolutely smitten with you, he never thought that he would love a girl as much as he loved you. You brought out the best in him and he was thankful that he spotted the girl crying during his match. You were his euphoria, someone he could approach when he had too much on his mind. It was as if every atom in his body gravitated towards you.

“I want to marry you, too.” You muttered, his hand tugging you close to him. You sighed in content, feeling like nothing else mattered except for the two of you.

a/n: hi :) don’t worry this isnt how mismatch is ending! ill post an epilogue very soon. thank you so much for reading all 15k words of this and please tell me what you think about it!

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euronymous-files · 3 years

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translated from Norwegian

"He came into my life at a time when I had just started listening to extreme and loud music. I sat at home in Råde and listened to local radio from Oslo. [...]

Frode Øien had a program where he invited the then unknown band Mayhem to visit because they had recorded a new demo tape. They were just incredibly mysterious and used pseudonyms and stuff, and I mean remember they took over the whole radio broadcast. To me, it sounded like Frode was set aside as host and the band took over for a couple of hours. It was absolutely magical. They played their own music, but not least they played lots of other things that were completely unknown, Hellhammer, Bathory, lots of early black metal and other extreme things. They obviously had great insight into what was going on and were by definition the only Norwegian band that existed in all these genres at once. They were the starting point for everything you could call extreme metal. It all starts with Mayhem."

Anders tells of how he became "insanely fascinated". [...] “The following week, a guy who was a competition winner appeared and said he was the brother of someone in the band. His name was Aarseth, and that led to me simply browsing the telephone directory, and I found only one Aarseth family in Ski. I took the chance and called and hit right on Øystein. That conversation must have lasted an hour or two. He met someone who was open to the same things as him, and then he was like a wandering library and very enthusiastic. His fervent commitment was something you felt right away, something he literally lived for. He gave my whole musical approach a kind of passion I had never experienced before.” To the young Anders, four years older Øystein Aarseth appeared as a kind of natural messenger of all the new things that were about to happen, and he swallowed everything he was told. He took in all the tips Øystein shared and received a lot of music that engulfed him, first from Øystein, then also from other bands.

"In the 80's it was not so common to have contact with people in other countries. If it were not unknown, getting to know people abroad was much more difficult than it is today. The only method was letter writing, and this whole underground scene was very much based on that. We wrote to each other and attached leaflets and fanzines and other things. You picked up the things you had on tape and changed the recording. Øystein introduced all this to me. I also went to practice with Mayhem. Back then I was 13 and a half years old, and got a first-hand impression of how the music sounded in your face in the rehearsal room. It made me completely obsessed that I should also start such a band. I had finally found my thing. This was very early in the development of black metal. We who came in right away make up a small but significant group of people. Among those I became acquainted with at that time are or were virtually all members of the most famous and prominent bands. Øystein had an incredibly central role as a source of inspiration and door opener for how to engage with music on the side of the industry, to be independent, in your own world."

Were there other aspects of him than the purely musical that inspired you? The energy, the courage, the talent? "What I took to myself very early was to sacrifice everything for this here. If you wanted to get somewhere with the music, you had to choose it over all other possible leisure activities and side tracks you could end up on, to only care about this music and abandon absolutely everything else. This was something he introduced as an opportunity. Many people did sports and had boyfriend projects and all sorts of things, social things that take a lot of time and resources, but here it was an alternative race to unfold in which I really took to. I had lived in a block and terraced house environment until I was ten years old and moved to a farm. I went from a life where people rang the doorbell all the time to being socially isolated. Now I got a platform that made it possible to break out."

Were you and Øystein friends or is there another way to describe their relationship? "I was a fanboy in the beginning. He got really mad when I copied everything he did. Then he was clear that this is not the way to do it. He was very careful about it. I was very young, and I was looking for band members myself in Fredrikstad and Østfold. When I started Cadaver, there was more mutual respect and a more collegial friendship. Things slipped a bit for him in '92 -'93. In the summer of '93, a few months before he died, he was very much looking for old friends. It was clear that he had been going through a period with a lot of focus on other things, but now he was looking up old friends to play the new Mayhem things that he had been working on for so long. I was with him several times during this time and felt that we had a friendship that was more mature. I had my band, had released an album and been on tour, and now Øystein was finally facing a breakthrough with the album he had talked about releasing for six or seven years. That he was killed became even more sad because of it. He knew he had made something very significant and very good, but never saw it come out."

[...]

"I was in a way close to the events", Anders says. "I also knew Pelle and was several times in the house where they lived in Kråkstad. When such things happen, you are shocked and think about what you could have done differently. But that Øystein did as he did was probably most related to his penchant for myth-making and image-building. He took it too far of course, but his way of thinking about things was that everything could be used for what it is worth in a PR context. I think it would have been perfectly fine if not everything that happened, it would not have made any difference. I remember hearing about him doing it, but not thinking much about it. He probably had an idea that this was so extreme that he had to do something about it. That might say something about how he liked to see things from above. He did not consider himself a direct part of it and did not see that there was anything wrong with it. I think he saw it in a kind of bird's eye view, but it's very difficult to say."

Where do you think Øystein would have been today if he had not been killed? "It's an exciting thing. We who knew him wonder if he had not grown tired of having to move closer to the regular music industry. In a way, he was a bit about to do it himself with his label, and also realized he could not run distribution on his own. I was part of his distribution. It worked so that he sent ten copies of a record to everyone he knew and trusted. All sold nine and sent money to him, and were allowed to keep one themselves. Those records are probably worth 10,000 kroner today. He signed several bands at the end, and the same day he died, Enslaved signed a contract with him. He had other things going on too, so I'm not sure where he ended up." "However, there was a lot going on around him that could have had an unfortunate effect", Anders believes. If he had not been killed by Varg Vikernes, or "The Count", it would probably have been rolled up that he was nearby when Holmenkollen chapel burned. "I do not know if he had been able to sit in jail. He was probably tougher in words than in reality. But what is mainly wrong with the myth of black metal and Øystein was that he created something with knowledge and will to succeed, as it was afterwards. It was rather the opposite. His ideas were to have this as a non-commercial business. You should deserve to hear this music. Being a listener in itself required a number of criteria. If it was up to him, as he told it, the whole scene would be a kind of lodge, and if you were first inside you would hear what others did not hear. But it was going to go away anyway, because it got too big." "Then he did not experience the internet, but it would have been something for him. Because he had so many extreme political ideas, the internet as it has been very much appealed to him. For example, he would be amazed at how widespread conspiracy theories have become. He was interested in extreme political directions, in Pol Pot and communism. I think he too had ended up in a more experimental musical direction. He was an extremist in everything he did and did it full on, and he probably still wanted to hunt for more and more extreme expressions."

[...] What is the best thing Øystein did? " "Freezing Moon". What I find very musically exciting is that it contains so few notes. The atonal and asymmetrical in the arrangement gives an introduction to something completely different than rock. It's the atmospheric, and the movements as we call it, and the riffs that are there. Øystein was concerned with throwing everything away and starting all over again, and it was such a song. It will always be a pillar in the Mayhem catalog and in the development of black metal."

read the full interview (in Norwegian) here

#euronymous #oystein aarseth #mayhem #black metal #files #archive #interview #anders odden #cadaver #satyricon

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