#i don't wanna have to figure out how i am gonna learn to live without
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" [...] wenn du stirbst, muss ich erstmal mein Leben aufräumen"
"[...] das wird nicht leicht, wenn wir nicht zeitgleich irgendwann [...]"
[...]
"Muss ich ernsthaft sagen, ich glaub ich würd' nicht, ich würde nicht dir zu ehren, aber ich würd' einfach nicht weitermachen wollen"
[...]
"[...] so einen fröhlichen Spaßberuf kann man sich dann auch schenken"
(kommentierte Version JkvsP7 - 20.11.2022)
#joko klaas#joko und klaas#klaas#joko#klako#klausi und wintimausi#jkvsp7#schon paar wochen her und trotzdem noch lange nicht aus meinen gedanken#die lieben sich#i don't wanna have to figure out how i am gonna learn to live without#<- bei der zeile sofort an das gespräch gedacht
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Deinfluencing DID? Cool
TW: injuries, dissociative seizures, fainting, general health problems, medication, abuse, forced switches, religion, burdning things down, mentions of rape
Our room is a mess, dirty laundry everywhere, clothes are not hanged up and thrown on our bed, we haven’t cleaned our table, and barely ever vacuum or clean anything else. Why? Nobody wants to do it, plus we have ADHD that's interfering eith daily tasks as usual.
Our host forgot to tell our partner system they sprained our wrist. They sprained it January 30th. Told them, by accident, on July 11th.
Speaking of sprained limbs. Our co-host & persecutor-caretaker sprained our foot because they were stupid and weren't looking at where they're going. Resulted in missing a step on the stairs. They got a yelling lecture from our host (very loving lecture), and what did they do? Called the thing we had to wear on our leg "foot prison." Nothing else.
We got sick... I wanna say 2 days ago (memory issues). How did we do that? I don't know. What are we gonna do about it? Idfk, why are you asking me, we have like one medicine we take, but other than that-
Whenever people tell us that we're a minor and shouldn't be researching/reading stuff involving sexual topics, our sexual alters' immediate response to it is "if they wanted us to act like a child, they shouldn't have let us get raped when we were 4."
We suspect we have dissociative seizures. When things around us are overwhelming, we can very well just faint. Still conscious but unable to move or speak. Everything we hear during it will be forgotten. And those of us who are not host and co-host can faint because simply being in the body for too long is overwhelming.
We forget to take our meds that prevent us from fainting fully. Teenage thing, but our blood pressure drops unexpectedly, and we might pass out. Does the threat of literally dropping in the middle of the day, for which we had previously gotten admitted to the hospital, work? No. It's not happening rn, so-
Outer world is being run by 5-6 people (alters) who are not equipped for the outer world shit. Dealing with parents? No. School? So-so. Basic biological needs? Who needs those, am I right? /j
A while ago, we found a spider near our room, and we are all, collectively, terrified of spiders. Who did we push to front to deal with it? Our co-host, who hates/is scared of them more than all of us combined.
We have a factive of our mother in the system who fused with a Ballora fragment. Like, yk, the person who potentially abused us most in our lives is their source. She's currently in inner world therapy and is actively getting better. And we are learning to separate her from her source.
When we first figured out we were a system, our host was so stuck and so determined to find out more about our alters, we had to force switches to happen, and for a while thought we were actually faking. I'm aware that that's exactly what DID/OSDD is supposed to make you feel like, but others literally could not front sometimes without being physically forced out. Moreover, we didn't even know how switches were supposed to feel. Everything felt fake. How did we accept it? Pushed through (quite literally) and focused more on the exciting parts of it, rather than sad.
Speaking of first figuring our about our DID, we filmed many videos of our switches when we felt them coming, and alters introducing themselves via filming. We are now looking at them and both cringing and feeling nostalgic.
We still sometimes want to be a smaller system because it feels like it would have been simpler, and we would love to have all members of the system get along. But we also know our brain created us the way it did for our survival, and our nostalgia about "simpler days when we only knew 4 people" is a romantization. This is the first time we have actually had a semi-stable environment in 2 years.
The only one who celebrates the body's birthday is our host. Everybody else has their own birthdays either from source or made-up. We still celebrate them. Today (September 14th) is, in fact, one of our alters' birthday.
Our host and co-host have a child-parent relationship (respectively). A while ago, they were in co-con, listening to a song. Our co-host was holding our host to their arms in front piggyback style, was hugging them and rocking them back and forth. Why? For comfort. Because they're family.
Are we all collectively doing schoolwork? Nope, lmao. Doesn't work for us like that, we simply don't have memories of most things we studied since like 4th grade, can't get them either. Our host used to do all the schoolwork, but they got so much trauma from school and homework that now our co-host is in charge of it. And only them unless it's Japanese. And even then, it's a big maybe. Nobody wants to, so we created a schedule that works for us and our switches when it comes to studying.
Did I just have to look up where I was going on the metro because I realized I have no memories of it other than autopilot, and I am doubting whether I wanna leave on the right station? Yes. Yes, I did. Am I gonna be fronting when I reach the destination? Nope.
A while ago we burned down an inner world kingdom. Why? Idk, we just didn't like it. Who cares anyway?
One of our prosecutors bought premium on one of the apps we use, and they didn't get in trouble for it only because our host liked it. We're still using it to this day.
We have a system quote book.
Everybody in this system is pagan. I might be the only one not, and even that's a big maybe.
We really wanna watch Elemental but can never get around to it. Also, Nimona, although we have a good reason to postpone watching it.
We haven’t brushed our teeth in 2 weeks. Did yesterday like once. When's gonna be the next time? Who knows? :D Hygiene issues are real.
On Halloween, we're probably gonna watch FNaF Ruin the entire evening-night with our sibling.
Our ex-host is so unhinged that we have to watch them whenever they front like a hawk.
We are not a perfect system. Any blog you see, no matter how real it seems, doesn't reflect day-to-day experiences systems have. Most posts, generally, are made with strong emotions in mind, or for aesthetic purposes, or for venting purposes. I repeat what has been said before a million times: don't trust everything you see on the internet. People are real, but they are not going to let you know anything personal about them.
Honestly? Not sure why I wanted to make this post. Not gonna give you a reason either because I don't know it.
I am currently going to get cocoa and push our co-host to study. Have a good day, y'all. ✌️
-sexual protector
#did#did system#osdd system#osdd#system#dissociative identity disorder#other specified dissociative disorder#system stuff#system things#did osdd#osdd 1a#osdd 1b#complex dissociative identity disorder#did positivity#osdd positivity#system positivity#plural positivity#deinfluencing
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🦈 EPIC: The Musical: Act One, The Ocean Saga sentence starters. Going by the exact lyrics except for a few lines here and there, but definitely go ahead and change things to fit your muse's situation<3
Storm
"Is it nature or divine or a blessing in disguise?"
"This storm's our final fight."
"There's no time to die."
"Brace for a storm, the likes of which we've never seen before."
"With home so close, we must keep pushing forward!"
"Have them follow my ship, I'll ensure that we prevail."
"We're taking too much damage to survive!"
"We'll beat this storm!"
"What do you have in mind?"
"We're gonna shoot for the sky."
Luck Runs Out
"Please don't tell me you're about to do what I think you'll do."
"You've heard the legends, this proves they're true!"
"I'm gonna climb to the top and ask 'em for a hand."
"You could be caught off guard and lose your life."
"Don't forget how dangerous the gods are!"
"Have faith, friend, we've come this far!"
"How much longer 'til your luck runs out?"
"You rely on wit, and people die on it."
"I still believe in goodness. I still believe that we could be kind."
"What will we do when it tears us apart?"
"Where is this coming from?"
"I just don't wanna see another life end."
"And suddenly, you doubt that I could figure this out?"
"How much longer 'til your great days cease?"
"How much longer 'til your strength takes leave?"
"I understand that we're tired, I understand that we're fazed, but don't forget how much we've already faced."
"I took 600 men to war and not one of them died there, in case you needed a reminder."
"If you'd like to speak more, let me pull you aside then. I need to talk to you in private."
"I can't have you planting seeds of doubt."
"I need you to always be devout and comply with this or we'll all die in this. Okay?"
Keep Your Friends Close
"Out path to home is blocked by an impenetrable storm."
"Let's play a game!"
"And if you win, you will get what you're yearning."
"All you gotta do is not open this bag."
"Sounds too easy. What's the catch?"
"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, never really know who you can trust."
"Sometimes killing is a must."
"'Cause the end always justifies the means."
"Friends turn to foes in rivalries."
"I can't wait to make some new memories."
"Time for me to be the father I never was."
"Why are my eyes and my heart and my soul so heavy?"
"I keep on trying to embrace you both, why won't you let me?"
"So much has changed but I'm the same."
"If I had to guess? You're headed for the Land of the Giants."
"ODYSSEUS OF ITHACA! Do you know who I am?"
Ruthlessness
"In all my years of living it isn't very often that I get pissed off."
"I try to chill with the waves but damn, you've crossed the line."
"I've been so gracious and yet, you hurt this son of mine!"
"I'm left without a choice and without a doubt."
"Guess the pack of wolves is swimming with the shark now!"
"I've gotta make you bleed, I need to see you drown."
"But before you go, I need to make you learn how ruthlessness is mercy upon ourselves."
"You are the worst kind of good 'cause you're not even great."
"A Greek who reeks of false righteousness, that's what I hate!"
"You fight to save lives, but won't kill and don't get the job done."
"I mean, you totally could've avoided all this had you just killed my son. But no!"
"You are far too nice, mercy has a price!"
"You reveal your name, then you let him live?"
"Unlike you I've got no mercy left to give."
"Today you die. Unless, of course, you apologize."
"We took no pleasure in his pain, we only wanted to escape."
"The line between naïveté and hopefulness is almost invisible."
"Close your heart, the world is dark, and ruthlessness is mercy."
"Forty-three left under your command."
"I am your darkest moment, the monster that always draws near."
"Any last words?"
"Remember me."
#rp sentence starters#rp sentence meme#rp sentence prompts#roleplay sentence starters#rp starter#rp starter meme#roleplay meme#rp meme#epic the musical#epic the ocean saga#i've had these SITTING just waiting for today but im going over them first lmao BEAR WITH ME#circe and underworld are next#imma do one that's just 'arc two so far' for funsies
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epic the musical sentence starters. the ocean saga.
feel free to change pronouns as needed!
storm
these waves and tides have grown in strength and size.
is it nature or divine or a blessing in disguise?
our home's in sight.
this storm's our final fight.
brace for a storm!
with home so close, we must keep pushing forward.
head towards the island but avoid the crashing waves.
tread where the tide is flat and then you will be saved.
have them follow my ship, i'll ensure that we prevail!
we're taking too much damage to survive.
at this rate, we won't make it out alive.
grab the harpoons, as many as you can find!
we're gonna shoot for the sky!
everyone grab a harpoon and aim it high!
we're shooting for the island in the sky!
luck runs out
please don't tell me you're about to do what i think you'll do.
you've heard the legends of the island in the sky, this proves they're true.
i'm gonna climb to the top and ask 'em for a hand.
you could be caught off guard and lose your life or piss off this god and infuse us with strife.
don't forget how dangerous the gods are.
have faith, friend, we've come this far.
how much longer till your luck runs out?
how much longer till the show goes south?
how much longer till we all fall down?
you rely on wit, and people die on it...
i still believe in goodness, i still believe that we could be kind.
lead from the heart and see what starts.
what will we do when it tears us apart?
i just don't wanna see another life end.
you're like the brother i could never do without.
suddenly you doubt that i could figure this out?
how much longer till your great days cease?
how much longer till your strength takes leave?
thank you for the concern but brother I can assure you our journey is almost done.
i understand that we're tired, i understand that we're fazed but don't forget how much we've already faced.
if you'd like to speak more, let me pull you aside then i need to talk to you in private.
i can't have you planting seeds of doubt, i can't have you disagreeing each route...
i need you to always be devout and comply with this or we'll all die in this, okay?
keep your friends close
our path to home is blocked by an impenetrable storm.
i ask for your assistance so we at last can go the distance.
i am the wind, twisting and turning, i give the fire enough to stay burning!
if you win, you will get what you're yearning.
take a look right here at this bag, it has the winds of the storm all trapped.
sounds too easy, what's the catch?
keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
never really know who you can trust.
sometimes killing is a must.
the end always justifies the means; friends turn into foes in rivalries.
we cannot let the treasure rumour fly.
now they wanna get the bag open so they can have closure.
sometimes sneaking is a must
for nine days, i've stayed wide awake.
i can't wait to make some new memories.
time for me to be the father i never was.
why are my eyes and my heart and my soul so heavy?
i keep on tried to embraced you both. why won't you let me?
we can save whatever wind we have to use another day, come on!
[NAME].... do you know who i am?
ruthlessness
in all my years of living, it isn't very often that i get pissed off.
i try to chill with the waves but damn, you crossed the line.
i've been so gracious and yet, you hurt the son of mine.
i'm left without a choice and without a doubt!
guess the pack of wolves is swimming with the shark now!
i've gotta make you bleed, i need to see you drown but before you go, I need to make you learn...
ruthlessness is mercy upon ourselves!
you are the worst kind of good 'cause you're not even great!
a greek who reeks of false righteousness, that's what I hate!
you fight to save lives but won't kill and don't get the job done...
you are far too nice - mercy has a price!
it's the final crack we're about to break the ice now!
unlike you i've got no mercy left to give.
now it is finally time to say goodbye. today, you die unless, of course, you apologize...
we meant no harm, we only hurt him to disarm him!
we took no pleasure in his pain, we only wanted to escape!
the line between naïveté and hopefulness is almost invisible.
so, close your heart the world is dark, and ruthlessness is mercy.
i am your darkest moment... the monster that always draws near.
any last words?
#rp meme#rp prompts#rp sentence meme#rp sentence prompts#rp sentence starters#ask meme#prompts#sentence starters#meme
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I'm interested in knowing about Lamb's follower spouses. What's each of their personalities like? How they became close to Lamb. How do they feel about Narinder? Does Narinder hold any jealousy towards them? Is there any fondness between them and Nari?
(you don't have to answer all of these, just listing off things my brain wonders about.)
I do actually have ideas of their personalities and roles in the cult and what happens with each character respectively but I honestly cannot put it into words until I at least create their ref sheets. (I am currently unmotivated to do it though..)
How they grew close to lamb I have less in my head about and how they feel about Narinder i dont know either. I haven't gotten that far with the characters yet. I just recently named 2 of them. Im sorry y'all ;-;
I can say that Narinder is jealous, yes.
The timeline I have for the spouse relationships is all kinda foggy rn. I dont know the best way to put things and what the best order of events would be without it being silly.
I also wanna draw something about the aging and death of Lamb's first 2 spouses but I can't decide how I want to approach the resurrection ritual & how it would affect death in this universe.
I was gonna make it so that resurrection does not affect aging, it just heals fatalities and keeps you alive again for a while. So those spouses did not want to be revived once they grew old. But uhh idk >.>
Either way Narinder is not good at consoling Lamb's grieving. He is even critical of Lamb's attachment to followers.
When Lamb's new spouse is around he still experiences jealousy (cuz he's still monogamous) , but at this point in time he's less of an ass about things. Learning to live among mortals and enjoy life, all that stuff.
Oh right you did not ask about any of that - oops-
my head is a mess of specific scenes that aren't properly tied together so sorry i'll figure it out someday maybe.. :,D
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do u have any alishin headcanons 🧎♂️
WATCH HOW MUCH I CAN TYPE FOR GUYS WHO HAVE HAD 2-3 INTERACTIONS WITH EACH OTHER.
open pandora's box for insanity. i was just gonna post as it but there is so much to scroll through.
canon compliant:
-i wholeheartedly believe alice stares at shin all the time and it freaks shin out so bad. since the whole memory is very vague for him he's just trying to piece together if this man is the same man he murked. shin is mortified that a murderer is staring at him constantly and thinks alice is plotting to kill him. love wins!
-i love to think that alice was the only one who truly believed shin got hit in the head in chapter 2
-i made my friend write a whole ass fanfiction about this but they did the memory dance attraction together. change my mind. you can't you can't you can't you can't you can't.
-i feel like they both are the restless type when they can't sleep and would catch each other wandering the third floor at night. shin sneaks off when kanna finally falls asleep and alice just skips going to his room altogether and just wanders the facility. which by the second night led to them patrolling together. a buddy system for safety and all.
-whenever they are alone i picture they don't talk much. everything is so hectic in the environment they are in they just like to enjoy the quiet moments when they come. walking in silence or sitting together, that type of thing.
-when kanna leaves them alone in shin's bedroom for the night i actually like to think they talked more than usual during this time. nothing with real weight or importance, just small talk mostly. surprisingly shin feels at ease talking with alice in a moment like this. being locked in a room with a murderer and all.
-i personally think neither of them would be too sad about the other's death, but would constantly sit and think about it. what kind of life did the other live? what kind of people would miss them? what kind of person were they? its one of the more prominent things that stick with them.
i picture them to be somewhat allies and somewhat strangers. they don't necessarily trust each other, but if they had to put their life in anyone's hands it would be in each other. i dont think they'd ever get that close in the game, but i think they'd have a few moments of solidarity.
your time to shine:
-i feel like their relationship would be the complete opposite in ytts. they bond pretty quickly here and talk constantly. the atmosphere is more light-hearted and while they are still fighting for their lives, there's an air of comradery that comes with it.
-again gonbee stares a lot. i'd like to think sou avoids him cause he's kind of scary but gonbee ends up chasing him down a lot. they don't talk about anything heavy like what crimes gonbee may have committed or who sou hiyori is. gonbee is just curious of this person with the same name of the person he murdered and sou just doesn't wanna piss this guy off lol
-i feel like sou is constantly surprised by the person gonbee is. he's surprisingly sensitive and gentle with everything he does. It's kind of fun to learn more about this weird guy. gonbee is surprised that a guy so small can have such a big personality. it's all over the place and he can't quite pin how much of it is real and how much of it isn't. they definitely have fun together figuring out what the fuck is up with the other.
-i am always picturing their fondness events. i think it would be so funny if they somehow brought up the fact they both use aliases here. other than that i would love it if they ragged on each other's clothing. there are a couple art pieces nankidai drew of them together and both of them are centered around clothing so i'd like to think if they did have a fondness event together they'd talk about clothing here too.
-in my humblest opinion i think it would be funny if every time they got together it would be on the last day of the simulation. like every time without fail it's like woahhh we like each other... let's see where it goes from here.... and then they can't because oops simulation over time for a new one!
i picture them to be fast friends and weird teammates. they have a strange synergy and work well together. they talk constantly and find out they surprisingly have a lot in common. if they ever left the island i'd like to think they'd become penpals or sou would make an off-handed joke about how easy it would be for gonbee to escape prison in this situation and then end up accidentally harboring a criminal. i want them to have all the silly goofy moments they couldn't have in the death game, i want something light-hearded and nothing too serious. they are just silly goofy dudes who happen to like each other a lot.
random shit that would never happen. but it happens in my brain:
-shin really like how delicate alice can be with everything. he holds things like they are the most fragile thing in the world, like he's afraid he'll break them. he appreciates just how soft and deliberate all of alice's movements are when it comes to anything, especially affection. it makes him feel safe and cared for. on the other hand, alice like how assertive shin can be at times. he's more timid with affection and appreciates that shin take more control a lot of the time. it puts alice at ease knowing shin isn't afraid to touch him.
-they are mad haters and love to shit talk. it's how they became so close so quickly. only guys with so much hate in their hearts can love eachother.
-alice avoids touching the scarf if he can. he once asked shin if he could take it off and shin looked upset by that remark. it's a touchy subject for both of them and neither of them like it very much. they don't talk about it as much as they should.
-i do not think either of them would be open to pda at all. i think they both find it really corny to be openly in love. its also WAYYY to embarrassing for them, if im being honest. you'd think they are just two really close friends if you saw them in public but they are very affectionate in private settings. if you saw them holding hands on a train they'd probably come up with a million excuses as to why.
-not a day goes by when i dont think about an au where there is no death game but alice is still a felon and he starts working at the same convenience store shin does cause it's one of the few places that would hire him. they'd both be working together during the graveyard shift. if i ever made a stupidly long, slow burn, friends to lovers fanfiction it would be about that.
-neither of them can cook, but both of them are clean freaks. if they lived together they'd have the cleanest apartment known to man. you'd think they have their lives together till you open the fridge and see it's only got a 12-pack of soda, a half drank bottle of water, and two boxes of take out.
-when they sleep together alice sleeps with no blanket, a fan by his head, and close to a cold wall. shin cuddles up next to him with four blankets on and two space heaters to his back. they literally sleep so well together but if you walked in you'd get dizzy from the drastic temperature changes.
-they would hardly go on dates and instead chose to spend time indoors together. if and when they go on dates it's something simple and small, like movies or brunch. they like to shop for groceries or clothes together.
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so. since our lives and communication are intertwined in a whole bunch of ways at this point i could not figure out where to message you but fuck whatsapp and idc abt insta so here i am.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BELOVED !!! i have literally spent a couple hours and my drive to work formulating a message in my mind and it's probably still not gonna be able to convey exactly how much i love you, but fuck it i will try.
you are such a force of nature. you are one of the strongest people i know, and that is not something i say lightly. you are bold, you are stunning, and your sense of humor is unparalleled. literally the number of times i burst out laughing when talking to you cannot be counted. and it's weird to think we have only known each other a year or so because i feel like i have known you FOREVER. im gonna be corny as fuck but it has always felt like we are reuniting, not meeting for the first time. it always felt like we were meant to find each other!! if there is anyone i would be drift compatible with, it's you and niamh. just the three of us, kicking ass in a jaeger. that'd be cool i think.
i love talking to you. i love hearing from you. i love hearing all your stories, listening to anything and everything you have to say. you have one of the most balanced perspectives of anyone i have ever met. you know what you mean to say and you say exactly that and you are so fucking fearless about it. and just as importantly, you know when to listen. you approach everything so pragmatically and i LOVE discussing stuff with you. like physically we are talking on the phone but spiritually we are hanging out on your balcony with coffee and talking about stuff.
i don't know when i am gonna be able to come see you in person, but it's one of the things i look forward to the most. you've become such an irreplaceable part of my life so quickly and i genuinely don't know what i would do without you. god akira i love you so so fucking much i don't know how else to say it. you're so fucking special, man.
so uh. happy birthday. i will love you forever and ever no matter what.
fuck you for making me cry as i opened my eyes. it does feel like we have known each other forever. we would be fucking deift compatible and that just makes me wanna cry all over again. i cant even tell you how much i love you and how familiar and how beloved you are with me. our talks are some of my favourite talks ever because i always learn something and even if we dont agree 100% it doesnt matter because every thought of yours is such a delight and i just enjoy it so much always. only knowing each other a year feels false as fuck and impossible at best. saying i love you isnt enough i need you to understand that. maybe when i finally see you and hug you it will come through better. thank you beloved 💜 all my love goes to you <3
#wholesome wholesome wholesome#tagging this for myself for when i need to feel better#tho the best part is. i can just call you#akira answers asks#bday tag#naila 💜
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I feel like every time something good happens in my life, something bad just always has to happen. I just have to learn ONE more bad thing about life I didn't want to know. Somebody's not who I think they are, my parents act all normal and then stuff just devolves, a say something completely stupid to my friend, there's something wrong with my dog,
I have classes to catch up on, I need to get a goddamn permit, I'm assualted with disgusting images from my brain I DONT WANT TO SEE, I only have one friend, my life is so monotonous I wanna cry. I'm so lonely the only being I've touched in the last year's have been hugging and petting my dog and one brief placement of a hand over mine from my friend that made my heart soar. But shit always goes wrong. I've learned some really horrible shit about a side of my family I never wanted to hear. My family is founded on trauma, both of my parents were abused, in turn I was abused emotionally and neglected, and I'm only just now figuring out who I am and it's fucking scaring me because it shouldn't be like this and everything I know feels fake and my mind is a void that's only running off of thoughts of Dook larue and I don't know how much longer I'm gonna last on this and everything I know is falling apart around me and building up at the same time and I haven't even started my life I'm a fucking 20 year old living in my parents house and nobody seems to realize just how fucking TERRIBLE I'm doing and everything gets brushed away and I STILL can't talk in my house, or I can, but. God my mom told me some terrible shit. None of my relatives are good, hell, not even my dad is who I thought he was, and somebody else I've found out isn't whoi thought they were, and I'm sitting here trying to process .y life because the only way I'll ever remember anything is if I post it online but what's gonna happen if someone finds this and I cant even tell them how I feel, and
My mom offered to let me start counseling through her girlfriends work like her girlfriend is and I'm really really really wanting to take that offer I already told her yes. I need to see a therapist now now now now now
My world is falling apart around me and my default is to curl up and pump my brain full of dook larue I can't do this but I can make any friends because I'm too fucked up my brain is only sexual I'm so scared all the time I can't figure out who I am and I really need someone to hold me and cup my face and tell me it's gonna be alright and they're gonna make my bad thoughts go away cause they're gonna sit with me all day and help me piece myself together because I really can't do this on my own anymore I just can't I can't deal with anything like a normal person and I know too much bad shit about the world that keeps haunting my brain and it hurts so much because I would NEVER ever do it and I know it with all my heart but my brain keeps putting horrible images in my head and I can't do it anymore 8m not gonna kill myself because that's pussy shit but I rreally really really need help I can't do this by myself 8m hurting and I need help I'm admiting it I can't do this. Everyday is the fucking same but I never want to leave the house but Phoebe need to go on walks and socialize and I even did that today but then everything went to shit because I found out something I could've gone without again qnd I dont know how to keep being a person. I've never been a person. Just a shell. Cram me up full of traits I'm stealing off of people. Do I only know how to write because my brain has nothing to do but imagine? I really need therapy and I really need to tell my mom because she's still my guardian because the past year has been a dissociative HELL SPIRAL and I can't even look forward to the thing I was looking forward to because everything went bad all of a sudden like it always does.
Ducky out. I just need... Something. I don't know. I don't have anyone and honestly I'm kinda seeing why. I can't do this anymore man. It's so hard all the time. I don't k ow what to do because I refuse to kill myself and I really do want to live, but everything is so upsetting all the time, I can't see any good in the world coming into my future. I can't see my future. I'm completely stuck where I am. If I never have any... Well I have my best friend and my mutual on here but... I can't fill my life long loneliness like this. I really really need help and I can't get it. I can't even talk to my mom because I'm so scared she's not gonna listen to me again because I told her I was dissociating all year and she doesn't seem to HEAR me. I can't do this guy's I'm so lost. My house is building itself back up back I'm falling into the same old house it used to be and worse. I can't. I just can't. I don't k ow what to do because nobody's ever listened to me in my life but my brother and he can't help me with this. I'm so scared to ask my mom. I can't do anything right. I don't know how long I'm gonna have to type before I forget everything that happened today but it's working so that's good. Maybe I'll just tell my best friend I'm in love with him and stop being so scared I'll fall out of love. I already know he used to like me. Were great friends! I would fucking ruing him so bad and I can't do that to him I can't he's too important to me. I can't keep running in circles like this in a stupid nymphomaniac loop but this is the only thing I can control, right? Because I can't even eat right. I'm under weight. I'm not even 100 pounds, I'm fucking 90 something pounds because nothing in my house looks good unless I'm high and that's a whole different story of addiction. Truth is, I'm so scared of everything, the world, myself, everything. The only saving grace I have is my brother. The only person who's ever known ME.
It's not enough, it'll never be. My brother is my brother. I need someone I can LOVE. To hold, to kiss, to give them all of me to distract me from every terrible fucking thing in the world. Someone who won't misgender me, someone clean, someone just, who is clean. Someone who gets me. Someone who can understand everything. I can't keep running in circles but how am I supposed to break free when im spiraling so fast? There's only three people keeping me sane and it's my brother l, my best friend, and my mutual. You guys keep me going. I don't know what to do anymore.
But truely, as I'm calming down from my feral panic. I don't know what to do. I need help. But I don't know what to do. I need help with that. What do I do? What am I supposed to tell my mom? "My mental health has spiraled so rapidly I'm falling apart at the seams."?
Well she's gonna blame it on herself so I'm gonna be upset and she's gonna be upset and I won't know what to do. She's gonna get home from work and be upset already and every time I try to think of talking to her I start crying. I am now. I feel so fucking helpless I don't know what to do please help me anyone I don't understand anything anymore my life was supposed to be all okay when my parents got divorced and it just got so muchfuckingworse.
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Tales from the Content Corner #1
I've been wanting to do a series for awhile where I talk about what its like being a wanna be content creator, I've seen so many people talk about tips and tricks and what stuff to buy but the actual social and mental health aspect? No body talks about it.
So whilst I would love to do a youtube or tiktok series on it all, I physically can't without ruining MY mental health cause I am simply too busy. But you know what I can do? Blog on tumblr like its 2012! Will this do good? NO! Am I going to advertise this anywhere else? PROBERBLY NOT! But I'm gonna do it and those who do see it might find it helpful.
With the context outta the way, let's get into the meat and potatoes of this post and my current mental crisis;
Feeling inadequate in comparison to others around you!
It's inevitable that, in any environment really, you will at some point start comparing yourself to your peers. In content creation though, I think its even worse than normal. It's like seeing the popular girl at school and wishing you were them, but instead of just your year group of something its thousands of people around the world.
Content creators only exist so long as people watch them. So to keep being content creators, to keep doing what we love to do, people need to watch us. It can be hard to get pass those first few weeks, or even months, when you first start and have 0 viewers.
What might be worse, though, is when you gain a substantial following and viewer base only for it to... disappear. And this happens to everyone, big and small, all at different time of their content creator journey. You see OG creators, like captn sparkles or inthelittlewood, who got millions of views every video just a few years back only to now a days get 20k.
My point is; lapses in growth or drops in views can happen to everyone at anytime. When your small tho, those drops feel so much bigger. You work so hard to get to 10, 20, 30 max views per stream only for it to suddenly disappear. It really sucks, but you can always come back from it, it just takes a lot of effort. Sometimes, having already worked so hard and lost it already, it makes creators not want to try anymore.
Algorithms constantly change, as do our lives, and when your not big enough to do content creation full time it becomes harder and harder to gain back that scrap of popularity. Or maybe you have yet to even get a boost to your following, maybe your new and are struggling to keep going when nothing seems to be working. It really sucks.
What makes it harder, and is the whole point of this post, is seeing others who feel so close to your level advance beyond you. I wouldn't call it jealousy, I personally feel so proud and happy when my mutuals grow and gain awesome opportunities, but it can be hard to watch. It can be hard to see them succeed and yourself not, it makes you wonder what your doing wrong or if you were even doing anything right in the first place.
So, how do you get through that?
Best advice I've found; learn from those around you, do what you can to improve and keep doing what you love doing.
Let's break that down real quick, starting with learning from those around you. It can be really helpful to deeply examine what other creators are doing to grow and try to figure out how it can make you grow. Don't copy people, obviously, but seeing what formats or things are helping others can be really useful when trying to grow yourself!
Doing what you can to improve really depends on your situation, we don't all have the money for a new mic or the time to spend editing daily tiktoks, its about figuring out what is attainable for you at the moment and doing what you can with what you have. You can also try to examine your own content from the perspective of a viewer -- if you were a chatter watching your stream, would you enjoy it? -- or getting feedback from others.
Lastly, and maybe most importantly, do what you love. If you love content creation, keep doing it! If it starts to drain you mentally, emotionally and even physically? It might be time to stop, or take a break. There's no shame in it, we all need breaks sometimes, and if you stop enjoying making content you don't have to do it anymore. So long as you enjoy what your doing that's all that really matters, even if it doesn't always seem that way.
In conclusion;
Learn from those around you, evaluate yourself and what you want to produce, prioritise your own health and remember feeling like this is incredibly normal, especially in the content creator space.
I'm not sure how often I'll be posting these, there are a lot of things I'd love to talk about to do with content creation and this has made me feel better about my own inadequacies, but we'll just have to see tehe.
#contentcreator#content creator#content creation#content creator tips#content creator problems#twitch#twitch streamer#streamer#small streamer#small content creator#livestream#mental health#insecurity#twitch streaming#youtube#youtuber#aceofj
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DING DING DING! congrats! you are correct!
it's one way for me to socialize with you guys because of
(1) how fast you guys are speaking in discord (ngl i kinda feel left out a lot of times) especially with me waking up to find 200-1000 comments that i have to mute the group chat worrying about my phone battery
(2) how i live on the other side of the world so i can't to you guys as much without losing sleep.
other than that, i hope you learn more about me.
also, me only using youtube and tumblr as my social media platforms is because of the bad relationship i had with others social media platforms. i don't use tiktok at all because of the oversaturation and seeing people around me obsessing about tiktok challenges that it turns me off from joining. i also quit instagram because i use to compare myself with others, even with my friend circle. i also have other social medias like snapchat, facebook, and others i couldn't think about but deleted it because i don't use them anymore, while i used to be active on kpop stan twt before the toxicity comes to me but i still own it because it relates to the monthly minecraft event that i watched lmao. so i delete social media to detox myself and delete myself form the internet as best as i could so that people could only find me based on my internet persona.
i am back on instagram but purely so that i could open a portfolio page for the gfx designs i made for my hellsite fics and others...
do you have any leftover questions you want me to answer???
p.s. hope you're having fun with the cloudbusting fic you're planning. ngl i didn't think you'll be doing it for real hehe
-🐝
WHOOP I knew my inkling was right! it wouldn't leave me :>
I understand and I'm sorry about that :< I know the group chat blows up so much and time zones are difficult but we do love having you there when you come on! <3
I have definitely learnt a lot about you , considering we have a google spread with all the hits you gave us collectively hehe I get where you're coming from in terms of social media and I think if that's what helps and is better for you then it that's good, you know? I had a social media detox at one point too with only tumblr being my only social but I've been alright everywhere, I just usually dip after I go on it. sometimes social media isn't for everything so I understand!
no question actually, but I just wanna say that you answering your own anon ask threw me off because that was the only thing that held me back from not suspecting you hehe it was fun nonetheless!
I just can't believe that I was super late to catch on that bee is in beabadoobee T^T things came to pretty late because I was busy with family, friends and packing the past week but literally the other night I managed to give myself time to search, link and piece together these things :> it was fun honestly, really pieced these things at 2AM hehe
OMG so I watched palm springs and it's interesting, I just don't know if I would make a long fic based on the movie, a short scenario from the movie (like when the song comes on, but idk how I would write about that without writing a long fic) or I'll just listen to the song and figure out what scenario to write about, but from listening to it a few times it does sound dreamy. still just gonna think of a scenario :> I'll figure it out ^^
thanks again lissie it was fun getting to interact with you this way! just know that you're very much loved in the gc! and in general, you're amazing and so are your works, it's an acquired taste <3
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sorry for not realizing, i hadn't checked your blog in months before today and i kinda figured you would have blocked me in the time i wasn't on tumblr if you didn't wanna talk. the post i replied to seemed lighthearted so i did not know. obviously no need to answer this as i won't ever see it, just wanted to say i'm sorry for upsetting you even if i won't ever know exactly what went wrong with us
i mean you still have my discord dms if you really wanted. in fact, you actually stopped responding to me, not the other way around. i didn't block you because a.) you were such a large part of my life for so long that, yknow, a chunk of my blog has some sort of attachment to yours, and i didn't want to fuck up my ability to see relevant posts if im trying to find old writing shit and b.) i always wanted to leave channels open because... again, you were a large part of my life for so long. i don't want to be your friend but if anything ever came up and there was something you needed or wanted to say i wanted that to be possible for the sake of "just in case"
regardless of if you "wont ever see it" heres my answer. even this ask answers itself for one of the reasons i dont like you. you hadn't checked my blog in months. which in itself is fine, but in the grand scheme of things - jesus fuck, man! you dipped out of my life almost entirely, on repeated occasions, unless i actively tried to drag you back in. regardless of how fucking apparent it was that i was literally on the Brink, you wouldn't be there unless i was the one to call. even after i tried to have an open conversation with you + others involved on how you were so bad at handling your shit that i thought random things i had zero involvement were my fault because no one gave me any sort of indication to what the fuck was going on.
you hung out with bullies and downplayed the deserved backlash. you don't know how to take other peoples feelings or lives seriously - something that hits me so PROFOUNDLY because your kindness and comfort used to be one of the reasons i liked your company so much. you hurt my friend. and you lied to me! and more, shit that i cant say here! and you would complain and guilt-trip about how you felt like everyone hated you and how you were such a bad friend but you so rarely made steps to actually change anything you were doing! of course you don't see what went wrong, you can't even look in at yourself without making everyone else feel like its their fault for being hurt!
and id love to say that everything ive heard from you and the people surrounding you is some kind of misunderstanding and that really and truly you dont deserve my anger. i dont think you realize how much ive sat over the past year and hoped that we were somehow gonna go back to normal. i wanted to tell you i got engaged! i wanted to talk to you about a million things! but after what i had to deal with last year (not from you, other shit entirely) i sort of learned that i cannot afford to trust anyone. you have no idea the fucking depths i went to and you are not going to know because the kind of people you seem to love aspiring to be/surrounding yourself with are the same kind of people who made my world feel like it was fucking falling apart. literally some of the most insane trauma ive endured was just brushed aside as silly discourse or jokes or whatever so yeah. not sure if i can trust that everythings all just one big mix up. messages are open but i am so angry and i cant change that even if i want to and i dont think you want to hear any of it.
and im sorry for being so lighthearted about you before i thought it was a post that would just fade into the ether like my other non-context bullshit
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Hey, Aubrey! Happy be-earlied Fab Friday! :D Just as I'd anticipated, I'm here to send you an early Fab Friday ask so I don't forget.
So, I have two concepts I wanna rant about. I'll try to keep them short since there's two.
So #1: my concepts for the new WIP.
So, I decided against doing nano after all. I just have too much going on to have the motivation to write regularly right now tbh and for the first time since the first time I did nano, I have no shame in it. :) I tried, I thought I could but I learned I couldn't. And it would be hypocritical of me, with how much I preach to allow yourself to take breaks without shame or guilt, for me to then feel bad about quitting nano. :)
But I've written a bit of that WIP since the last Fab Friday and it's already great. I'm so excited to continue it!
I'm gonna post a really short snippet from it instead of talking about it itself.
The day they exiled us, my parents tried to fight for our freedoms… and in the end, they lost their lives for it. They were martyrs in the cause of justice and fairness for my kind. I still never, not ever forget that fact.
The 2nd thing I wanna talk about is less about a WIP (for now) and more about the character the WIP is about.
So first of all, if you've never heard it yet, I recommend the song 1000%, but the WIP was inspired by the song How Villains Are Made by Madalen Duke. PHENOMENAL, haunting song, beautiful. And the second I heard the first few lines, the images of a villain going through their villain arc of BECOMING the villain raced through my mind. I have since then (last night) been working on her. Her name is Yvonne Scarlett Johanna (it was gonna be Johansson but then I was like 😬😬😬 oh right I love that name because it's an actress that I adore xD).
Anyway, she's secretly an artist. Has been tagging buildings since she was 14 or so. She accidentally killed her first victim, which was a police officer that had caught her tagging a building when she was 21 or 22 (I can't remember the exact age I wrote down).
Her calling card is what I'm REALLY EXCITED about though. She does graffitti that shows their faces but it's unique because one side of the face is all dolled up like they're going on a fancy date or something and the other side is like a decaying face, blood dripping from the face, rotting flesh, the whole nine yards. And to finish the scene, the corpse has paintbrushes (which were not used in the art, it's just for the art's sake) hanging out of the mouth. Her motivation, you ask? To show the world that art can change the world/make a difference.
I have a feeling she's gonna show up in one of my bigger projects because I'm already in love with her. xD I'm thinking she might be one of the killers that Belinda's ex, Ruby, who also happens to be Ikuisuus' first love interest (These are characters from a like 3-4 year old writing project called Death Has a Face) was going after. Ruby was a serial killer that killed serial killers xD and she dated Belinda to go after her. I think that Yvonne might be another woman she had figured out who she was and planned to kill. But I'm thinking maybe something caused her to change her mind.
Anywayyyy! This is so long, I'm sorry. I've been so excited to rant and ramble about my thoughts and ideas.
I am ALREADY in love with Yvonne!!! She sounds like a character who would make me scoop up a book off the shelf in a HEARTBEAT!!!
Also kudos to you for assessing whether you want to/have time for NaNo. Sometimes it can get really easy to overcommit, especially if you've been doing NaNo for a long time and you don't want to miss out.
But it's super important to prioritize your well-being, your mental health, and your energy alongside your writing ♥
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Copycat: Cryptomnesia —(Marvel Fem!Oc)
A/N: The gif is meant to express Cat’s vibe for this chapter lmao -Danny
Words: 1,572
Phase Five Masterlist
Previous Chapter // Next Chapter
xxiv: Junior & Stray
The rest of the month went by swiftly, Cat was on her best behavior, and Kate stayed until she had to go back to college. The mutant drove Kate to school, now that the girl didn't have money, it was important she began to live a more responsible life.
Cat opened the trunk and handed Kate her bags, she looked at the students coming in, and then at Kate, focused on hanging each bag on her shoulders without dropping them.
"You sure you wanna stay?"
"It's my last year, I can't drop out," Kate looked at her. "I'll be fine."
"How are you gonna pay for it?" Cat frowned. "Your mom's accounts are frozen, and you've got no—"
"Jack's helping me out, he feels guilty, for some reason," Kate grimaced. "I feel a little weird accepting his help, but it was either that or going into debt, so..."
"At least you got a job," Cat sighed. "Thank you, Starbucks."
"Which reminds me," Kate fixed her posture, carrying two massive bags on her shoulders. "What are you gonna do? I know you're running out of money."
She smiled. "Don't worry."
"Nothing illegal, okay?"
"Only if it sounds fun," when she noticed the girl's expression, she added. "I won't work for the mob. But I'm not following rules either, so..."
"Just tell me," Kate pleaded.
She dismissed it. "I'll tell you if I have to, I gotta talk to someone else first."
Kate wanted to trust her, but she wasn't there yet. They were still learning about each other, and even if Kate wanted to believe her, she didn't know her enough to be certain she wasn't lying, it was hard to tell.
"Just be careful, okay? I can't teleport if you get in trouble."
"I have one favor to ask you," Cat leaned forward. "Remember what we agreed on?"
Kate hesitated, then nodded.
"I don't think I'll be in danger anytime soon, but I need to know that you won't break your promise."
"Cat..."
"You said you knew the risks," she insisted. "We're good as a team, but if being one puts you in a bad spot, I need to know you'll step back. You wanna help, but you won't be of much help if they kill you first, right?"
"Who are 'they' ?"
"I'll tell you later! Just promise that if I die you'll keep my mission going."
A gloomy expression fell upon Kate's dainty features. "I promise."
Cat hugged her. "Have fun. But not too much, you can't afford to destroy a second tower."
Kate chuckled. "I'll keep it in mind."
"And don't party too hard— if a teacher's giving shit let me know—"
"I won't," Kate moved out of the embrace and started to leave. "Call me once you get home!"
"I'll call you every night right after you've fallen asleep!" She joked.
Harley was transported back to last year's summer the moment he stepped inside Cat's living room.
"Jesus Christ," he ran a hand through his hair. "What the hell happened here?"
The mutant crawled over the papers sprawled on her living room floor and stumbled to where he was standing, she grabbed his wrist and guided him to the mess, her pupils were round and dark, barely leaving space for the purple.
"Hear me out—"
He whined. "I came here to tell you my good news—"
"You got hired," she grabbed some of the papers from the floor, when she bent down Harley noticed there was a piece of tape stuck in her silver hair.
Harley frowned. "I told Happy I wanted to tell you in person!"
"Happy didn't tell me, I figured it out," she looked at him. "You're wearing a suit and you smell like a taxpayer."
The young man frowned. "I don't know what that means."
"You're getting paid, that's what it means," she lifted the papers. "I have a job for you."
"I don't like where this is going..." he groaned.
"Listen," she walked up to the table and spread the sheets of paper on its surface. "You were right— You were right, I'm a mercenary. I was. I mean for the right price I still am—"
"Get to the point before I run out of here," Harley approached reluctantly and pulled a chair to sit down. Felix jumped out with a hiss.
"My old boss?" She pushed Valentina De Fontaine's file toward him. "You won't guess where she used to work. Sharon Carter tried to scare me by threatening to reveal my identity but I can trace people too! Valentina was part of Hydra!"
"I don't know who this is," Harley frowned staring at the picture.
"Keep up, I just said she was my boss," she sat next to him. "How did she get away, you ask? She gave S.H.I.E.L.D. the location where we found Pietro and Wanda Maximoff! Now she's just a regular UN worker? The whole thing is dirty."
He stared at her. "I think it's you. When was the last time you showered?"
"Yesterday morning. I think. Anyway, she's cooperating with the mafia, she made me do a job for them last summer, and that's why I broke up with Matt. I almost broke my arm and his nose to get away but that's not the point— You know who's their boss? Wilson Fisk!"
"Fuck off!" He exclaimed that name he knew.
"Yes. Yeah, I know. Last December we got him arrested but something tells me it won't be permanent. Everything's dirty, Harley, everything. Fisk spoke to me when I fought him, Agent Zero might've escaped but Copycat is the target of an international manhunt."
He started to look through the papers. "Does that mean..?"
"They know who I am, used to be, and who I can be. Sharon Carter knows, at least, and she's using my name to scare some people. I think the only way to buy more time and find out who else knows about me is to get her out of the way. I can prove she's not playing by the rules and I can try and make her give names."
"I don't understand why I'm here."
She gulped, now more than ever she needed to sound convincing and confident.
"The articles are calling you the next Tony Stark, you'll need protection."
Harley frowned. "Stark Industries is dirty?"
"I'm saying the same men that are trying to get to me will try to get you, they'll see you as someone easy to break. We can't let them get a hold on Stark industries."
"How are you gonna stop that?" He inquired. "Pepper is the CEO, she has the last word of everything that happens there, why not warn her about this? Why using me?"
"It's easier to take down something with a weak foundation," she replied with certainty. "You're their target, Junior. Young men are easy to taint. But... Tony used Iron Man as a super bodyguard at first, remember? It's obvious Junior will have one too."
"Copycat," he said.
"Back and ready for action," she winked. "Imagine their shock when they realize the pot of gold has been claimed! All you have to do is convince Pepper to hire me as your guard."
"What are you expecting to get this way?"
"Harley, c'mon, you're smart," she said in annoyance. "I'll take Mouse with me, I'll read every man's file that's in the company and plug them out before they sneak into places where they don't belong."
"You realize they'll catch up on this, these imaginary tainted men," he raised a brow. "All the roads will lead to you."
"What's the use of having powers, knowledge, and connections if I'm not using them to do what I want?" She scoffed. "We brought everyone back, Harley, is my duty to make sure others don't ruin it."
"Is it?"
"This is the first time in years I've been called to do something," she pouted, "please, I'm trying to be good..."
Harley struggled to grasp the concept Cat was trying to sell, it was messy, and she was lousy, but the one time they'd teamed up it had gone well, and they'd been eighteen at the time. They were older and experienced, the idea wasn't far-fetched.
"You gotta promise me we won't risk Pepper nor Morgan's life with this. Happy stays out too."
"You have my word."
"And you won't kill unless is the last, last, all-the-way-to-the-bottom plan of escape."
"Sure."
Harley scowled at her. "What made you change your mind? I sure as hell wasn't."
"Change my mind?" Cat raised a brow. "I've never liked to be used, Harley, you know that. Valentina and Sharon tried to take advantage of me, and Fisk and Russo want me as their pet. I just wanna see what I'm capable of when I don't shoot myself in the foot. Gotta be just as grand as my fuck-ups, don't ya think?"
He snorted. "That's a way to put it."
"You wanted me to look at the bright side more often."
"Yeah, I'm glad you're back in your clown costume," he smirked. "Suits you far better than the sulky mercenary."
"I think I look great in both, to be honest," she looked at the mess in her apartment. "Well, let's get started... We should give it a name. Last time it was 'Plan M'— what now? Operation 'Clean Slate' ?"
Harley leaned on his chair, supporting one arm on the back of it. "The Weeding project?"
Cat cringed. "Why not just straight up the 'let's take the hydra out of the workplace'?"
"We'll figure it out," he stood and pushed the chair back in. "You should call Kurt, he'll hate you if you leave him out of this."
Cat stopped him, squeezing his hand. "Thank you. I promise you won't regret this."
"Oh, I'll regret it," he sighed, "but I'll settle with getting us a pardon from the President in the future."
Next Chapter—>
Taglist.
@mikaelsonwhxrebae @ieatpanicattacksforlunch @jesuswasnotawhiteman @siriuslysirius1107 @greengarsstuff @itsyagirl01 @23victoria @espressopatronum454 @jkthinkstoomuch
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2 cents thoughts and goals.
Self Note.
Did alot of diggin on my brain today and boy.. there's a whole lot of work to do. Its f ugly. But lets take things slowly. Progression, consistency, patience and lots of practice is key. Keep going.
I'm gonna write the ugly sides of me which I'm slowly realising that there is a underlying toxic pattern.
How I am like as a person from the past till today -
Number 1: Emotionally Immature
I officially admit that I am clearly an emotionally immature person. [ I wish I realise it sooner and what was the actual true meaning behind it. Finally seen it for my ownself through myself lol]
Core reasons: I'm living life through fear and anxiousness. Fear of not being successful, fear of not being the best daughter, partner or a friend. Fear of not being good enough in anything that I do. Fear of abandonment. Fear of not looking good enough. Fear with almost everything. Basically, no trust in myself and living life with no trust in it. Always thinking life is out to get me. When people give compliments, I usually think that they're lying or just tryna make me feel better. wtf
Number 2: Selfish
Only thinking about what's good for my own benefits and not others. Not thinking about what others might feel after making a comment or a decision. Self entitled.
Number 3: Reacting first to emotions instead of taking accountability of my own emotions. (Fail to think before talking)
Anger - I would usually first react to the situation without thinking about the consequences that comes after. Spit venoms all over and get caught with the emotions in my brain. Showing emotions through facial expressions. Taking time away to cool down before thinking straight. Regretting it all after cooling down.
Disappointment: When something or someone disappoints me, ngl, I will show a very black face that people will get uncomfortable. Throw tantrum like a child. Won't talk until I've cooled down or finally got something that I want - (which co-relate to selfishness and self entitlement)
Annoyed - When I'm annoyed, I will show it through my face like an open book or either show it through my facial expressions plus reacting to my emotions and saying mean stuff without thinking twice. Also throwing tantrum.
Goals and Reminders to self:
-just me talking to my old self-
Don't blame your parents entirely for having this upbringing upon you. If you don't wanna be like them, BREAK the cycle. Practice self awareness: be mindful of your thoughts and emotions. Take time to reflect on your feelings and understand why I feel the way I did.
Managing my thoughts and emotions: You're an over thinker but not all the things you overthink about are true. Most of the time NONE of them are true. Don't give in to those thoughts. It will break you. DISTRACT. Prolly go back gymming, play games, listening to rock metal songs if you're angry. Got bicycle? Use it, cycle to take your mind off things and calm yourself with the beauty of nature. Manage your emotions. Do whatever it takes to take your minds off things. Make yourself feel better. If its still bothering you, comfort your inner child. Ask yourself what is the main cause of making you feel a certain type of way and figure it out from there.
Be more empathetic. Practice putting yourself in their shoes and consider their perspective. I'm pretty damn sure in some situations you wouldn't like it if the other party does the same to you.
I cant stress this enough but to be able to learn how to express yourself clearly and respectfully and listen ACTIVELY to others. Stop mindfucking others pls. get to the f point. tolong. takmo jadi annoying. And lastly you have to take full accountability and responsibility of your own actions. Own up, being a coward gets you nowhere. Stop blaming others or find excuses just to not get your ass whipped. Learn from it.
Stop being a complain queen. Start seeing the beauty in life. Learn acceptance, patience, trust and self control + self love.
END.
These things takes a lot of time and effort. Its a freaking journey. I'm definitely not proud of who I am in the past but inshaallah I'll get better. I'll be better. Just have a lot of patience with yourself and focus on making small positive change every single day. You can do this alright? You got this.
You wouldn't wanna lose this one. Not over your old dumb foolish ways.
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I wanna show this to you. I hope you understand english that well. Cuz sometimes things come through better this way.
I think I know what we both suffer from regarding each other. We both tried to have a relationship and we both chose people that are not good for us, because of our inner state. For you, you chose girls that are mentally unstable and need a lot of caring and you have to sacrifice yourself to put them together. I also chose guys that I have to sacrifice myself for, but they hurt me, did not respect me, did not see who I really am and just used me.
We both see when someone is not good for the other. We immediately recognize how a situation is so bad for the other, and we are annoyed how the other does not see it. We cannot see it because this is what we have to learn. But also, we recognize how that also tear us apart. We get jelous. We don't want the other to find anyone else. But this also shows how special our connection is. When I say you're my wife, thats deep for me. You are the person I never ever wanna leave. I wanna be that thing in your life that never passes. I don't wanna be something temporary. I feel like I belong to you. I feel the best with you. I can go around and try to be in the presence of multiple other people but I always see how noone compares to you. I never feel home with anyone but you. Our connection is naturally happening but I never will not appreciate it. I always gonna be grateful for you. This is something very valuable we are having. I am scared to lose you. You are part of me. I can't imagine my life without you. You are the only person I can spend a lot of time with without getting tired of your company.
I think there is a need for both of us to get to understand each other better. We are more similar than we think. Nowadays we did not really get as close to each others' emotions. This has other reasons too tho, I know.
I know its hard to trust. This living experience on Earth is a very animal like experience. Humanity is ruled by instincts and its easy to figure out how things work between people. Barely anythings seems personal. I think you understand what i'm talking about. I also struggle with this because I also feel betrayed this way. I never wanna be a person that you have to be disappointed in. I wanna be real, real for you. I wanna be by your side and grow with you, experience everything with you and just live by your side.
I understand why I never was present in my body before. I am a conscious person here, I see beyond everything. I could embody my instinstual human side but i'm more than that.
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rant ab love slash my ex
so . for those who r unaware i broke up with my long time on and off ex (we were super toxic and on and off for two years) four weeks ago
today she finally blocked me.
i thought i was over it? bcuz i had mentally checked out from the relationship months ago. like i was like yeah i'm completely ready to move on and i still am . i want to find someone who's so much better and treats me the way i should be treated and not like some thing that'll always be there so it doesn't matter how i'm treated bcuz i'm just gonna be there. i wanna matter to someone and i am completely ready to start anew and find someone new like i have a crush for gods sake.!!
i haven't genuinlet felt or had a crush in two whole fucking years. i was always stuck on her it was always her i sacrificed so much of my senior year for her i passed up on dates bcuz of her i was convinced it would always be her and i wouldn't ever. having a crush feels great i haven't felt like i actually liked someone in such a long time and they're genuinely suchba good person they're so perfect and i'm so scared i'm going to hurt them because i'm a terrible person and i always end up fuckinf things up. and i don't want them to think i'm using them to get over my ex bcuz god i'm not i genuinlet do like them i just. am afraid of being vulnerable to someone new .
she instilled in me worthlessness kind of. i felt like j nobdoy but her would ever love me or appreciate me in all of my fucked up ways . we had our good times and i'll never fault her for when she was good to me but god. she's fucked me up and the way i view relationships so fucking badly.it's like the one mitski lyric "it's been you and me since before i was me" i've changed so much in the last two tears and i've done so much fucked up shit and she was by my side for all of it and i feel like nobody's ever truly gonna understand me or love me the way she did even if it was all in her own fucked up little way.
she was my first love she was it for me. i was one hundred percent convinced we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and that it was going to be just us two.
i sacrificed sm for her. so much money and so much free time. lost friends over her bcuz i wouldn't listen when they told me she wasn't right for me. i started my job five months ago so i could save up enough to go visit her.
her blocking me kinda. cemented. to me that we were done for good this time. and i broke up with her and it just kinda. sucks. i am left in the dark . just me and myself. trying to figure out who i am without her because it's always been me and her and her and me. she was my fp and my bpd was so codependent on her i couldn't function some days without her.
i guess in my mind it kinda just. stuck there that this was another one of her little ghosting episodes where she wouldn't talk to me for weeks but she never ever blocked me. now it's real. and it's real that it's just me. florence. not florence and her. just florence. and i don't know quite how to deal with that . i'm gonna have to learn to be by myself or to be vulnerable enough to let someone in to love me the way i deserve to be loved and that rly kinda scares me.
this all started bcuz i was watching a insta reel and i was like omg she would love this and i wrnt to instinctively send it to her and i realized her insta was gone and then i checked and i was blocked. checked i message. it was green. blocked on discord. and it fucking sucks there r things i'm going to have to avoid bcuz of her for a while. and that sucks. i'm not ever going to be able to truly love my favorite mitski song bcuz it reminded me of them. or ever fully enjoy a batman movie again bcuz they loved batman. or a lot of my favorite songs in general. never going to be able to listen to cavetown the same way or watch an episode of community. never gonna enjoy saiki k again. like. that rly sucks. i love a lot of these things n it's so greggrgrgr
i dunno. i'm scared to put myself out there bcuz i'm afraid no one will ever love me with all of my fucked up shit. and i'm scared that if i do it'll just be another her situation. i've never truly had a healthy relationship n that in itself terrifies bcuz what if i'm so fucked up in the brain that the first healthy relationship i get into i ruin bcuz i can't fathom truly being loved?
i don't know. im just very belgh. i don't miss her. not one bit. god now that i'm out of it it was terrible. i just miss what we were before we fucked each other up. and i'm scared to continue fucking people up because i'm unlovable .
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