#i did this last night to deal with a manic episode and it HELPED :-)
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my sinister crafts.
#my crafts#crochet#granny square#mitsy posting#i did this last night to deal with a manic episode and it HELPED :-)#the pattern is pretty easy i was following a video so i didnt get distracted#i'm thinking of making a cardigan of squares like this :-)
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TW: religious delusions/demons, manic episodes, verbal abuse. Continuation of two previous asks I've sent in about similar topics.
Not too long ago I sent in an ask about a problem I was currently having with my mom. I mentioned that she has manic episodes where she forces me awake by coming up with random tasks for me to do in the middle of the night, and yells at me/insults me the whole time. I'm pretty sure this is one I sent in after the inbox got emptied so if you still have it, I'm the same anon. The other ask, I don't think you have anymore.
Before sending in that ask, I had previously sent in another ask during April that I'm pretty sure you wouldn't have anymore since it was before the inbox was empty. If you answered it I might have missed it but I don't think it got answered. It still had to do with my mom's manic episodes and verbal abuse, but at the time, her main issue was religious delusions (saying I was inviting demons into the house, and finding things about me supposedly demonic like the symbol on a video game T-shirt I was wearing). My mind was going through a lot of extreme chaos at the time so I might not have correctly expressed myself in that ask and it's understandable if it was difficult to answer, sorry.
Anyway, for a while, my mom was just back to getting upset over things in general during her episodes like what I mentioned before about how she walks around, mainly finds things to get upset about in the kitchen, and then decides we need to start cleaning the whole kitchen or cooking something extravagant.
Now, she's back to the religious delusions about demons being in our house. She says I have the devil in me, does things that are unsettling like going around the house carrying a cross, and genuinely thinks that our house is being targeted by demons or that someone has sent demons to attack her.
My friend is familiar with the topic and sent me some resources with information on religious delusions and hyperreligiosity. I read up on it and yes I know my mom is unwell and many people have these delusions but I feel like the things she says and does to me are just so outrageous, I can't just sit there listening to her verbally and psychologically abuse me, and stay completely calm and cheerful thinking "Awww it's okay, Mom doesn't really mean it!" Because whether she means it or not, she is really screwing up my mental state. I'm hurt and in the moment, I'll be angry at myself, and angry at my mom. I can't think straight while panicking. She is constantly gaslighting me, insulting me, name-calling me, turning me into her scapegoat, and honestly I would just rather sleep my life away than have to deal with her.
Today for example, I very gently told her that her words about demons and similar topics were making me feel on the verge of having a panic attack. And what she did was mock me and say "You sound just like a little baby complaining about not getting a toy from the store so you threaten to have a tantrum." And her disorders are valid because she gets to use them as excuses but when it comes to my own health she says everything I do is just me lying and faking. She's threatening to stop paying for any of my medical treatments anymore.
Just overall she makes me feel like such a shitty person. I try so hard to help her and everything I do just backfires. If I give her space, she gets mad at me for supposedly leaving her alone, or for not offering to help her enough because she says I'm selfish and I don't care about her enough to help. But then what set off the last argument we had was that I was offering to help her with stuff and she felt like I was "interrogating" her or something (persecutory delusions are another big thing that comes up a lot between us). When she told the story back to me she made it sound like I had been questioning her over and over about the same thing for several minutes when all I did was ask maybe 2-3 questions just to make sure I could help her out, but she was exaggerating everything. And it still got her extremely upset, she's been mad over this same damn issue I just mentioned, it's been going on for several days in a row already, first giving me the silent treatment and then finally snapping and screaming at me like I'm the worst person to ever exist, and I fucked everything up as usual. And she is always threatening me and telling me I should be afraid of the future because all the supposedly bad things I do to her are going to come back and get me, God is going to punish me both on earth and in hell because I was such a horrible child to my mother, I'm going to be alone in life, nobody can stand to be around me, I'm demonic... all sorts of lovely stuff. Yet I'm supposed to put up with it, because "Oh but she's your mom, she's sick, she's just in a bad mood!" and so on. And even she says things like that herself, like "I'm your mom, I carried you, I gave birth to you, I'm the one who changed your shitty diapers as a baby." As if I even asked to be born in the first place.
I can't get away from my house. And I just hate it. I'm not even saying everything she says/does, it feels a lot worse than what I've described here, but honestly when she's saying and doing these things everything feels so chaotic in the moment and like I said a lot of times I will be on the verge of a panic attack, or even in the middle of a panic attack, so not everything she says will be sinking in and I get the details all blurry when trying to retell them. But hopefully what I typed gives you some idea of the nature of how it usually goes.
I'm just finding it extremely hard to cope. My situation isn't getting any better because I'm her caregiver and my life has been set up in a way where I'm not really independent. I don't have enough money to live on my own, I don't have other family I could go live with. It feels like this stuff gets worse every day and I'm just trapped having to put up with it.
I just need someone right now to help me feel less upset and less unstable than I currently am feeling, just whatever validating words you think would be helpful for someone in my position to hear. I know there is no getting out of this situation anytime soon so I just want to hear something nice since I've been suffering so damn much and honestly just feel like I need some kindness and gentle words more than anything else at the moment. And maybe some tips on how to deal with my mom when I physically can't get away from her since like I said a big issue will be her coming into my space and waking me up, or her forcing me to stay with her in areas like the kitchen or in her bedroom.
Hi anon,
Firstly I'm so sorry about your mom and what she's putting you through.
I agree that you shouldn't have to feel obligated to forgive her, because despite how someone may be psychologically impaired and thus unaware of their actions or their repercussions, it doesn't erase the damage they do. You are valid for being upset or even traumatized by all of this, even if she isn't aware of it. You have every right to feel hurt and angry at her - those are natural trauma responses.
You do not deserve to feel like a demon or anything similar. My heart breaks for the way your mom treats you, as well as how stuck you may be in this situation. While I'm not sure what advice to give (and commenters are absolutely welcome to provide some), please remember that you are not a demon, you are trustworthy, you are kind, and you are trying your best. I wish the absolute best for you. I hope I could help at least a little bit. We're here for you if you ever need to talk.
-Bun
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Bipolar Disorder: Signs and Dangers of the Obscure Mental Illness
Continuing with the theme of Mental Health Awareness Month, We have decided to shed light on another crucial and ignored mental health illness, which is Bipolar Disorder.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health:
“Bipolar disorder (formerly called manic-depressive illness or manic depression) is a mental illness that causes unusual shifts in a person’s mood, energy, activity levels, and concentration. These shifts can make it difficult to carry out day-to-day tasks.”
There are three types of Bipolar disorders, Bipolar I Disorder, Bipolar II Disorder, and Cyclothymic Disorder.
Bipolar I Disorder is characterized by manic episodes that last for seven days or manic symptoms so adverse that they might require immediate medical care. Sometimes, they might even experience symptoms of depression, typically lasting two weeks.
Bipolar II Disorder is less severe than Bipolar I disorder and usually causes depression and hypomania, which is a less severe form of mania. People with Bipolar Disorder II’s hypomanic episodes are often not intense enough to cause hospitalization.
Cyclothymic Disorder usually involves recurring hypomania and depressive symptoms that are not long or intense enough to qualify as a hypomanic or depressive episode. However, ignoring and not asking for help will increase the chances of an individual being diagnosed with Bipolar I or II.
It is estimated that 1 out of every 150 people suffer from bipolar disorder in India. However, the number might be much higher, due to a lack of awareness and persisting taboos in society. Bipolar India, is a non-profit community, solely designed to help patients deal with bipolar disorder. So, if you have a friend who is suffering from bipolar, feel free to reach out to them.
Manic Phase:
Feeling Happy or Overjoyed
Rapid Speaking
High Energy
Self-Importance
Sudden Outburst of New Ideas and Plans
Easily Distracted
Easily Irritated or Agitated
Delusions, Hallucinations or Illogical thinking
Loss of Sleep
Irrational Decisions- Spending Money on Expensive and Unaffordable Items, Sexual Risks and/or Foolish Investments
Making Decisions and saying things that are harmful or out of character
Depressive Phase:
Intense feelings of sadness, hopelessness or irritability
Lack of Energy
Difficulty in concentrating and Remembering
Loss of Interest in everyday activities
Feelings of Emptiness or Worthlessness
Feelings of Guilt and Despair
Pessimistic about everything
Self-Doubt
Delusions, Hallucinations or Illogical Thinking
Lack of Appetite
Difficulty Sleeping
Waking Up Early
Suicidal Thoughts
Notable Figures with Bipolar Disorder
Honey Singh
Honey Singh is one of the most prominent rappers in India. His songs have frequently been played in nightclubs all around the country. While many might mistake his party-loving avatar as someone who is extremely content with his life, the reality is quite different. In an interview with Brut India, the rapper opened up about his bipolar diagnosis and revealed that he often prayed for his death. However, with the help of a strong support system, he managed to get it under control.
2. Bebe Rexha
In 2019, Bebe Rexha revealed that she suffers from Bipolar I disorder. In her song ‘Break My Heart Myself’ which also features Travis Baker, she sings:
“Today went really well
I didn’t wake up in a panic spell
It was fine, even though I fell
Deeper and deeper into manic hell.”
She said that something about telling her story through a song normalizes it for her.
3. Carrie Fisher
The Late Carrie Fisher brought Princess Leia to life throughout the Star Wars franchise. But did you know that she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when she was only 24? Carrie Fisher explained in a 2001 interview how she would try to contain herself by experimenting with harmful drugs. In the same interview, she recalled how she was awake for six days and six nights and often hallucinated a golden light coming out of her head. She treated her bipolar disorder with various medications.
4. David Harbour
The Stranger Things Actor is also one of the many individuals who suffer from bipolar disorders. David Harbour revealed that at the age of 26, he was institutionalized after a certain episode. Talking about his treatment he said: “I have been struggling with the medical model of mental illness for a long time. I started to really get into talk therapy around the particular trauma, and I find that narrative and stories, dealing intellectually and emotionally with personal trauma, has been far more liberating to me than hospitals and drugs.”
5. AJ Lee
The three-time champion was once the face of the WWE women’s division. But few people actually know that behind the successful exterior, was a woman struggling with severe mental illness. She was diagnosed with bipolar at the age of 19 and even revealed that her mother suffers from the same illness. She said that she would often cry alone in the bathroom during her time with the company and that she even attempted suicide in the year 2014.
We hope that our article helped you to understand the severity of bipolar disorder. Filaantro also raises funds for people diagnosed with bipolar disorder. So if you want to raise funds for your treatment, feel free to open a crowdfunding page on the platform.
#filaantro#charity#education#donate#nonprofits#donations#raise funds#fundraising#crowdfunding#volunteering#bipolar disorder#bipolar treatment#mental illness
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I had a question.
So, just an hour or two ago, I was going through some sort of “manic high”, sorta like how somebody with bipolar disorder would have (I don’t have BPD). It felt like a bullet train at max speed and completely derailing, and it was incredibly draining. It also got me wondering.
Do people with severe enough ADHD deal with ADHD episodes like this? My search attempts are often futile because all of it is just talking about how to differentiate between BPD and ADHD and BPD manic episodes, but nobody ever mentions ADHD episodes; the only time I’ve seen it mentioned ever was when somebody made a clip of crankgameplays to show what an ADHD episode looked like.
Do they even exist? I’ve got no idea, so I was just wondering if you knew.
Hey! Sorry, I saw your other ask a while ago, but I wanted to talk to my ADHD specialist before I answered because I’d never heard of the term “episode” being used to describe ADHD. I’m also going to splice both questions together here and answer them in segments in the hope it helps :)
So like I said, I’d never heard of the term “episode” with ADHD, and neither has my specialist. Part of ADHD is having a natural ebb and flow between inattention and hyperactivity, sometimes skewed toward one or the other, depending on your ADHD type. (What are the different types of ADHD?)
Your type of ADHD may also fluctuate because of other factors, such as stress, changes in medication, hormonal fluctuations, lack of sleep, overstimulation, or even under-stimulation, to name a few. Another overlooked part of ADHD is emotional dysregulation, which may cause rapid cycling emotions that may look like an “episode” to someone unfamiliar with what that actually qualifies. The way my therapist explained it and using your example of bipolar disorder, “episode” is used in diagnostic criteria to categorize manic or depressive episodes that last X amount of time, are usually severe, potentially requiring hospitalization, and are accompanied by other symptoms not found in ADHD.
Our “bursts” of energy or lack thereof typically don’t last long enough to be considered episodes. This isn’t to say they are not severe or debilitating, especially if you suffer from things like anxiety or depression that ADHD can feed into. Merely that “episode” is not used as part of the language used to discuss ADHD, which is likely why you’re not finding anything.
So, do ADHDers experience intense bursts of energy that are draining afterward? Yeah, we can do, especially if we lean more toward hyperactive than inattentive. (And again, it's normal to fluctuate and also for things to be affected or worsened by secondary factors.)
And I'm going to put the rest under the cut because this is hella long.
I’ve seen some people think that all hyperactivity has to come with fixation, but that’s not how ADHD works. It’s true if something gets us excited or gives us a dopamine boost, we might be more prone to becoming hyperfixated and burn all our energy up on that. But you don’t need something to fixate on to experience hyperactivity. Some of us are just wired to the moon sometimes, and yes, it can be very draining when it ends. Some people find medication helpful in regulating their hyperactivity/preventing it from coming in such big swings and dips.
Speaking personally, when I'm hyper and nothing is grabbing my attention, the world and people around me can feel painfully slow. It's like I'm going a mile a minute doing everything but achieving nothing. The crash that comes after can also be particularly bad, as I also have dysthymia, which can tip over into a major depressive episode depending on other factors in my life at that time. For years I was misdiagnosed as having "probably Bipolar Type II" by a doctor who didn't believe teenage girls could "get" ADHD* and convinced my parents I needed psychoactive drugs. The drugs I was on didn't help, in fact, they made me worse so I was taken off them.
It wasn't until I found an ADHD specialist as an adult a few years ago that I made any real progress. And I'll be honest, I was shocked when she diagnosed me with ADHD, I really didn't think I had it. Right up until we started doing the work and slowly but surely my mental health began to improve and my understanding of myself with it.
Sometimes there are days when I will be wired to the moon and it will derail my entire day because I can't focus on a single thing/I'll focus too much on a single thing. Other times, like when I am closer to my menstrual cycle, I'll crash into inattentiveness and depression because of how my hormones affect my various different conditions, including my ADHD. Medication would likely help with this, but due to medical reasons, that's currently not an option for me so I do the best I can.
That said, if you’re experiencing something more than hyperactivity but it's not mania, you may be experiencing a form of hypomania and you should talk to a doctor about your concerns.
Hypomania typically occurs in Bipolar Type II disorder, which is less severe than the manic episodes in Bipolar I. I’ve experienced both manic and hypomanic episodes in my life due to medication interactions, and they felt very different from ADHD hyperactivity. It's not just derailing mile-a-minute thoughts, it's something usually completely mood-altering and out of control feeling followed by devastating crashes.
If you're on any medications and are worried you are experiencing something like this, you need to talk to your doctor. You might just need a dosage tweak, or you might be better off on a different medication altogether. Also, make a thorough check of any and all medications you are taking to check for any interactions.
I'm on a cocktail of meds for my MCAS, which if I were to combine them with the SSRI one of my doctors wants me to try, would result in serotonin syndrome. The doctor didn't notice this, but the pharmacist sure as shit did!
Some people (ask me how I know) even develop mild hypomania from overusing the sunlamps used to treat SAD (link), which is why brands like Verilux now include warnings in their leaflets about not using the lamps for more than X amount of time a day. Thankfully it goes away once you stop overusing the lamps.
Which actually brings me to something you asked last time about being unable to sleep at night. Insomnia and delayed sleep phase cycles are not uncommon in ADHD. This is likely because our circadian rhythm is thought to be out of whack (link).
You also mentioned having racing thoughts at night too, which is not uncommon either with hyperactivity. I find if I get overstimulated before trying to sleep, I’ll end up lying there awake with what I like to call “radio ADHD” playing in my head. It can range from snippets of songs stuck on repeat, conversations, things I’ve watched on TV, arguments, or if something is happening the next day, fixating on not being late for it. Hence, I end up getting no sleep because you can’t accidentally sleep in if you don’t sleep.
*jazz hands of despair.*
Sometimes I find Radio ADHD soothing if it’s fixating on something chill, but it can get annoying fast and even distressing if I’m tired and can’t “change the station.” (I’d say “shut it off,” but as of yet, I’ve never been able to do that. Medication helps some people with this, as can looking into “sleep hygiene” if you haven’t already.) Conversely, if I’m bored or something is too stressful, I will 100% fall asleep because my brain would literally rather just turn off than do something I don’t want to do or is a low dopamine reward task.
Brains are fun.
Anyway, I uh, I am not sure if any of this is useful to you, but I hope it helps. Mostly I'm just repeating back what my specialist said when I asked her about it lol. Good luck, and I hope you figure things out.
----
*NB: It's important to note that ADHD and Bipolar Disorder can be comorbid. It's not a one or the other situation. I’m just throwing it out there in case hearing that helps someone else pursue the proper diagnosis!
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my experience with lupron/”puberty blockers”
i have severe endometriosis. i was diagnosed at 16 and had three major surgeries for it before i turned 19. i started birth control for my six weeks long, heavy, debilitating periods when i started having them at 12. by 19, i had tried every birth control under the sun (with no success) -- except lupron. lupron, a gnrh agonist commonly used on males as a treatment for prostate cancer, on women in fertility treatments, on women with endometriosis, aaaaand yup, this is the exact same drug parents let be injected into girls with the euphemistic title of a “puberty blocker.” (i promise we’ll circle back to this hold on)
luckily, i live two hours away from one of the most accomplished endometriosis specialists/surgeon in the world, and he is so passionate about finding a cure or at least better treatments for women with endometriosis. he’s an obgyn but he literally doesn’t do the obstetrics part, he purely focuses on helping each woman find their best treatment for this disease. he has such a vast amount of knowledge on surgery techniques and surgical robots and different treatment options, and he is incredibly thorough when it comes to informed consent. if something could happen or has happened-- positive, negative, or neutral-- he will tell you about it. in detail. now this is important, because after decades of observing treatment effects and listening to women and researching side effects, his personal philosophy is that the lupron injection should be a last resort. like, after major surgery last resort. if a woman wants to try it first thing, he won’t stop her, buuuut after he gives her all the possible short and long term side effects, she usually is eager to explore other options.
(enter me) 19, three surgeries, dependent on opioid painkillers just to be able to get out of bed in the morning, and now, a fun new symptom! every time i begin to bleed, my heart develops an arrhythmia and i experience constant, burning chest pain. i begin to violently cough up blood. so, my endometriosis has spread to my lungs, may randomly cause my lungs to collapse at literally any moment, and i’ve exhausted all treatment options. except! lupron. the devil drug. the horror stories i heard from other women were insane, and that was just the short-term side effects. my doctor had to go through the process of explaining both short and long term side effects as i cried in the office chair because i knew that i had to take this drug. there was nothing else left for me, and things were getting worse. so i did. i was on it for a year. you want to know what that year was like?
i was suicidal, homicidal, and fell headfirst into the most severe and detrimental manic episode of my life. i experienced psychotic symptoms, and that along with the aforementioned symptoms led me to a week long stay at the psych ward. i did not have one day without severe joint and bone pain. i broke three bones, all while running or walking, when i had never broken a bone before. i’m already epileptic, but i had two hospital stays for uncontrollable tonic-clonic seizures while i was on it. i couldn’t sleep. i got night sweats and night terrors. i either couldn’t eat a thing or felt absolutely insatiable. regardless, i was always nauseous and got sick a lot. now, six years later, i still deal with worsening osteopenia, making me at high risk to develop osteoporosis. at 25. and the kicker is, it did shit-all for my endometriosis. it made me sick on top of sick on top of sick etc etc. and i’m not a rarity. men and women from all ages and all walks of life have experienced this and worse, and many people, like me, are still dealing with the fallout of it, years or even decades later. i do not believe this drug should be on the market for literally anything at all.
i was an adult and lupron gave me the worst fucking year of my life. and there are parents letting their HEALTHY children be injected with this at age 12, instead of realizing that if their child is so deeply afraid of puberty that they would rather take a decidedly harmful drug that essentially chemically castrates men and puts women in pseudo-menopause for years, let’s maybe try to work out the cause of that fear in some therapy sessions and group art classes and getting involved in sports or something. i can imagine that it’s pushed at gender clinics without touching on the negative effects too much because, well, lupron drugmakers and salespeople have a history of bribing prescribing doctors with trips, fancy dinners, resorts, or straight up telling a doctor they could earn $100K extra a year just by prescribing lupron to their patients. they went to court and were fined $875,000,000 for it, although i’m sure that’s pocket change for a company who profited $826,000,000 off the drug in 2015 alone, and i doubt they cleaned up their act. if a doctor is willing to give a female child lupron simply because she doesn’t “feel like a girl,” while being completely or even just half-way aware of all the negative side effects of it and backlash it’s received in the medical community, they might as well smear their own shit on the hippocratic oath they swore on, and they should probably give up their license while they’re at it.
#puberty blockers#puberty blocking drugs#lupron#radfem safe#radfems do touch#radfems please interact#lil rambles
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y/n's one-night stand PT.2
wc: 2.1 k, angst. harry and (y/n) talk ... they maaaybe end up in a fight
read part one here.
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After Harry had gotten (y/n) out of bed, he also convinced her to get dinner with him. So, as the two walked downtown together Harry tried setting a lighter tone, in comparison to the mood he walked into. It hurt him to see her in an intense internal conflict, and he wanted to alleviate it like she often did for him. He could tell that (y/n) was being reserved in her answers, and was withholding herself emotionally. Being her best friend for years, he knew her habits. She would tend to shut down during a depressive episode and be extremely vocal during a suspected manic one. He understood that the two were contrasting when it came to physical intimacy and thus the conversation about it would reflect that.
After their initial talk, he still felt guilty in a sense, that he couldn't be the one to provide a good experience. First experience. He should have known how emotionally driven she was, and he should have been the one to provide the best experience full of all the love and adoration she deserved. Every time these thoughts would enter his head, they would be accompanied by jealousy, fear, and even insecurity. Was it that he wasn't good enough for her? Why couldn't he be the first? He wasn't used to doubting himself as a person yet this one situation had thrown him off. He could get any person he wanted, that's never been an issue. But now he's pinning over the one person that didn't want him? He knew he was being irrational, so he would quickly end these thoughts by calling someone for a hook-up. Not the best way to cope with one's emotions, but it was helping, frankly.
What he didn't know though, was the (y/n) practically made an oath to herself regarding her emotions. She was going to 'mature up' and stop being a "little-whiny-bitch". Everyone her age is trying to have sex: some succeeding and others not. Why was it such a big deal for her then? The days she spent trapped in her room, she realized that the only thing making the situation worst was herself. Her expansive internal monologue was what was killing her. After banging her head on the wall over and over (her head is still tender) she realized it was all her fault. She hated herself in about every form, but having to live with her head was the biggest punishment of all because she couldn't escape it. This is where the oath came into play. She decided to ignore these feelings and to abandon the train of thought she possessed since the beginning of time. New (y/n) didn't share the feelings that gave any indication she was a loser. New (y/n) didn't care whether one-night stands wanted her or not. The new her wanted to get off like everyone else. She deserved to.
And sure, late at night, when she felt such an extreme burn in her chest, yearning for any sort of human connection, she couldn't find any way to get rid of it. Yet, she just decided she wasn't going to let that show in the day or influence her decisions. (y/n) accepted she wasn't an easy person to like, let alone love. She decided that if she tried hooking up with enough people, then she'd get used to it like Harry. It was a perfect balance: pleasure and feeling temporarily needed.
The two finally sat down at a small restaurant for sushi, their personal favorite. It was typically reserved for special events such as acing an exam or the last days of the semesters, but he thought a mental breakdown warranted the pricier dinner. After ordering their rolls, Harry was getting frustrated with her nonchalance.
"(y/n), please, just tell me what happened these past few days? I missed you."
Looking at him, she tilted her head giving him a smile. "What? I had a weird few days, you know. Whole chemical imbalance thing," she softly said, pointing at her head.
Harry isn't convinced. He knows her and he can tell she's brushing it off. You don't just mentally spiral just to pretend it didn't happen. "You're being dishonest," he said straightforwardly.
(y/n), still nonchalant, was unaffected by his stern tone. "Really Harry, it's nothing. I'm better now I just had a small episode. I'm doing really good now!"
"How? I came to your room after days of radio silence to you still in bed with swollen eyes. How the fuck is that better? Just tell me what happened, (y/n). Is it about our talk, is it something I said because-"
"Stop."
"It's okay that you're experimenting but maybe you could do it with someone you trust and-"
"Harry."
"I know it really hurt you to do that but it shouldn't because you should feel good-"
Feeling cornered and pressured, her voice finally rose to shut him up: "Harry!"
Immediately stopping his ranting that reflected his internal discussions, he looked up to see (y/n) in a stressed state.
"I don't want to be like that anymore. I don't want to shelter myself or have things affect me so greatly. I really am sorry for scaring you these past few days, I've just been gathering my thoughts. I know how to go about things now."
Looking at her confused, Harry asked, "what does that mean?"
Waving her hands to him, she said "Look at you! You're living an incredibly balanced life that includes sex. If you can do it so can I!" Her tone was lighthearted and determined, but anyone could see through her facade.
"But that's me. I've been doing it for a while now," his tone flat. He hoped his reminder didn't make him seem less worthy of her, although he doesn't see how she could ever view him as virtuous. "We're not the same."
"It's just because I'm behind, I need to start hooking up more so I can get used to it. I'm already talking to this guy who might come over tonight," she finished, as she went to look at her most recent text messages with the guy she found on tinder, proud.
At this point, the two have received their food and were slightly occupied with it, but that didn't stop Harry's emotions from reacting. "(y/n), what the fuck? Have you learned nothing from the last time?" He kept telling himself he was calling her out because of her reckless behavior, not because the thought of her hooking up with someone else was so devastating.
She looked at him offended as if he was saying something extreme and unwarranted. "Why are you treating me like a child? Why can you fuck a new person every night but when I want to it's a big fucking deal? I'm allowed to have fun too, y'know."
And the small burn he was feeling in his chest irrupted, both out of jealousy and insecurity. She was going to sleep with other men if he wanted to or not. There was no way he could control her behaviors or even guide her. And even then, she didn't want to fuck him. Of course not, she practically said he's been run through. "Yeah. Yeah, okay but we're fucking different. Are you just going to keep having hook-ups that you know will send you into another depressive episode for me to fix?"
Immediately turning her eyes to him, she glared. "I didn't ask you to come over."
"You practically were by begging for attention after purposefully not answering my messages." He didn't know where his anger was coming from, but he felt enraged from the previous days and he was finally taking it out. Only, it was all directed at her.
"I didn't ask for shit. You just can't fucking stand the idea of me being an actual adult and having fun."
In response, Harry laughed. It was sarcastic and dry, enough to portray his current mood. "Please, (y/n). You talk about wanting to be like me but you weren't made for it. You're the one with your head, don't you realize how fucking dramatic and needy you are? As if you could ever act like a normal person when hooking up. Why do you want to be a whore so bad?" As soon as the words left his lips his smirk disappeared, fading into one of sympathy.
Looking at her, he realized he really messed up this time.
"A whore? What, like you?"
And just like that, his worst fear was coming to fruition. And it was all his fault. "(y/n) no look I didn't-"
"Shut up, don't even try to act like you haven't been thinking of that since our talk. I get it, I understand how difficult I am. I never wanted to drag you into this because I already know how 'dramatic and needy' I am," she spat with a bitter tone. "You don't need to fucking remind me. I'm figuring it out. I don't need someone like you to make me feel shitty about my decisions or belittle my mental state. I'm not a child and I'm not going to let you walk over me like that." Shoving her hand into her bag she managed to pull out two twenty-dollar bills to leave at the table whilst she gathered her stuff.
Although his heart was burning to apologize, to hold her and wipe the tears that started to form in her eyes. To say he didn't mean it, that he was being selfish and insecure. But he couldn't do it. Although he had known this girl for years, he couldn't swallow his pride. Instead, he maintained his angry eyes set on her, rasping out "You need me."
(y/n) was known for her impulsions. She was known to ruin long-running relationships in her life due to a misunderstanding or falling out. They both knew it and they always did their best to communicate, although their pride stood in the way. The two stared at each other, realizing they both had gone too far in insulting one another.
Looking at him, she snapped. "I never needed you. In fact, fuck you. Asshole," she finished for good measure finally leaving.
Harry sat back in his seat comfortably, watching her walk away. From an outsider's perspective, he seemed unaffected. Almost as if he was waiting for her return. Inside though, he was yelling at his stupid fucking brain as a pain developed in his chest. It felt harder to inhale, and he clenched his hands due to their burning sensation. As tears began to collect in his eyes, he blank them quickly away. It didn't matter. It didn't matter that the best thing that's ever happened to him has walked away and likely would never approach him again. All is well.
━━━━━━━━━━
(y/n): wanna meet tonight?
Ryan: yeah. which dorms?
After leaving Harry, (y/n) felt an extreme urge to prove him wrong. She has the capacity to be like any other college student, and she didn't care if that made Harry's perception of her change any more. He used the biggest insecurity she had against her, and (y/n) simply could not fathom forgiving him. While in her room, she cursed him out and punched her pillow in sheer anger. How dare he? No amount of curse words could relieve her anger, but perhaps fucking a stranger might.
She got ready and tried shaking away her nerves, feeling fueled by the need to prove him wrong.
Hearing a knock at her door, she looked in the mirror one final time before going to open it.
"Hey," Ryan said, stepping in as (y/n) moved out of the way. "How're you today?"
With a soft laugh to hide her nervousness, (y/n) smiled. "We don't have to go through the formalities, you came over to fuck, no?" Her false confidence was soaring, making her appear experienced.
"Yeah, yeah." He smiled back, walking over to her bed, still facing her.
As the two stared at each other for a bit, he made the first move in leaning in for a kiss. With her heart racing (this was only the second person ever she's kissed now, it's still a big deal for her) she leaned in, wrapping both hands behind his neck. Sighing into the kiss, she melted at the way he was kissing her. Like he wanted her. She loved the feeling.
Pulling back, he kept a hand on the side of her face, observing her intently. "Let's get on the bed, make you comfortable."
Nodding and following along, she positioned herself to be on her back, Ryan getting on top to continue the kissing. As the kissing became more heated, (y/n) knew it was time to increase the intensity and reached a hand down to where she felt him growing on her thigh. Immediately, she received a grunt, making her feel proud of her actions.
"Got a condom?"
-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈
(tag list: @rbforsmileycal )
part 2 ladies and gentlemen and enbyies!!!! let me know what you thought!
#harry styles#harry styles blurb#harry styles fluff#harry styles smut#harry styles angst#harry styles one shot#harry styles one direction#harry styles fanfiction#harry smut#college!harry#bestfriends!harry#harry styles fic#harry styles au#sub!harry#dom!harry
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Seven Drinks
Bucky x f!reader
Summary: There's a reason Y/N has never had more than 3 drinks around the other avengers, and they're about to find out.
Warnings: depression, thoughts of suicide, panic attacks, angst (don't worry there's fluff too)
Word Count: 4322
a/n: This is inspired by that episode of Brooklyn 99 with 6 drink Amy (I adopted that concept!) and also Halsey's album Manic. :) I hope you like it. Anything in bold is a lyric from one of the songs on the album!
Please let me know if I messed up the trigger warning tags! I've never written anything like this before, so I just want to make sure I do it right.
Masterlist
"We're having a party tonight." Tony's announcement was met with the usual groans of annoyance at having to schmooze with the typical socialites that attended Tony's party. "You know, you are so ungrateful sometimes. here I am trying to throw you a party, and you're complaining!"
"Tony, we all appreciate the effort you go to, but- at least speaking for me- I don't like people." Y/N's response was effortless, swiftly calming Tony and explaining the reactions.
"That is why-" Tony stuttered when he actually registered the words you said. "That doesn't sound like you at all. And besides, this is a party for just us. It'll be more like team building, but without any pre-planned activities. No "smarmy, rich people" to deal with." He directed his last sentence at Bucky, Steve, and Sam.
The team actually seemed excited at the prospect, albeit skeptical of Tony's motivations.
Unsurprisingly, Nat worked up the courage to question him on it first, "what's the catch?"
"No catch. Just friends, food, and lots of alcohol." His grin quickly shifted into a smirk as the entire room turned to look at you.
You groaned slightly, not wanting all the attention. "Look, there is a reason I cap myself at 3 drinks." Holding up one finger, you started to explain, "One drink Y/N is barely any different from my sober self."
Wanda quickly cut you off, "not true! You get louder." She smirked, happy to have added that tidbit of information.
"Fine." With a laugh, you admitted she was right. "I might get the tiniest bit louder." You held up a second finger to continue your explanation, but were once again cut off.
"It's not a bad thing. It's just your happy, bubbly, and slightly louder than normal personality shining through!" Nat added, seeing an opportunity to tease you for being so positive all the time.
"Thanks Nat. Anyway," emphasizing the rudeness of being interrupted twice, you continued, "two drink Y/N is more touchy feely than normal. Not in a creepy way though!"
"I love two drink Y/N. She gives the best hugs!" Thor eagerly added to the conversation, glad to have dropped by when he did.
"Thanks Thor." With a small smile in his direction, you held up a third finger. "Three drink Y/N is the perfect amount of just past tipsy to have fun without doing anything extremely embarrassing. It makes the most sense to stop there." You finished her little speech with your typical smile and a resolute nod of your head.
"Seriously, you need to relax. Just let loose this one time!" Sam tried to encourage you. With the eyes of nearly every avenger set on you, your resolve didn't last very long.
"Fine! Maybe I'll have a fourth drink." You were met with cheers as you rose from your spot on the couch, trying to prepare for the night that was to come.
--
As soon as you stepped off the elevator, you had a drink in your hand. Clearly your friends were going to make sure you got a fourth drink. even Steve seemed excited when he saw you, although his golden boy personality didn't disappear completely.
"You sure about this? I don't want you to feel pressured!" Bucky nodded, weirdly enthusiastically, before adding, "Yeah doll, don't drink more than you want to."
"You two are too sweet. Sam's right, but don't tell him I said that." You winked at the two super soldiers, emphasizing the joke. "I should let myself relax sometimes. I'm in a safe place, with friends who won't let anything happen to me. What could a few more drinks really do?" You couldn't help but smile at how true that was. You were surrounded by people who care about you.
"Oh, so now it's a few more drinks? What are we talking here, six drink Y/N? Seven?" Bucky teased.
"You'll have to wait and see, Ducky." You teased right back, knowing how flustered he got at the pet name. Steve laughed at his friend as you walked away, ready for your second drink.
--
Before long, you had your fourth drink in your hand. It was slightly odd how literally everyone was staring at you, but your were three drink Y/N at the time, so you were drunk enough not to care.
You downed the fourth drink, unprepared for the consequences.
"So, Y/N... how do you feel?" Clint braved the waters, everyone eagerly awaiting your reaction.
"That is so nice of you to ask! I feel great! I don't think I've ever been this happy." You jumped up and down, hugging Clint with a huge smile on your face.
"How did you get even happier?" Tony chuckled, shaking his head slightly.
"Do you not like it?" Like a switch had been flipped, you were nearly crying.
"What?! No!" Tony was so taken aback at the tears pooling in your eyes, he froze, unsure how to fix it. He looked around the room for help, but everyone else was just as shocked as him.
"I'll fix it!" You were at the bar, fixing another drink before anyone fully comprehended your mood swing.
You walked back up to the group, sipping from your fifth drink as if nothing happened. "What?" You questioned the odd looks, but before receiving an answer you squealed, again jumping up and down. "Let's dance!" You turned around, ready to move to the more open area before looking back over your shoulder, "Wanda! Nat! Pepper! Come on!"
The women shared a look, ultimately shrugging before joining you on the makeshift dance floor.
-
"Bucky, you've been staring at her for 20 straight minutes. When are you finally gonna talk to her?" Steve couldn't help but pester him about his feelings.
"I can't help it. I've never seen her dance so much. I mean, I know she's always happy, but this is a whole new level." He didn't take his eyes off of you, even when he was responding. "I can't tell her tonight, though. This is the most she's had to drink in years."
He watched as you moved back over to the bar, needing another drink after dancing so much.
"Here we go, six drink Y/N." Bucky gestured to the bar. Steve shook his head, but allowed the change of topic.
-
About five minutes after your sixth drink, you were somehow bounding around with even more energy. You were nearly running around the room, trying to talk to everyone at once.
"Ducky! Have I ever told you I took gymnastics lessons for 7 years when I was younger?" You were bouncing with pent up energy, excited to be sharing more information about yourself.
"No, you've actually never mentioned that." He smiled, enraptured by your childlike enthusiasm, so enraptured that he didn't notice the mischief in your eyes.
"Well, I did! Watch this." You handed a confused Bucky your now empty glass, turning and throwing your arms up. Bucky realized two late what was happening, and with both yours and his glasses in his hands, he couldn't physically stop you.
"Y/N, wait!" His shout had everyone turn and look as you flawlessly executed two cartwheels in a row.
Bucky would swear your smile got even bigger as you turned around to look at him again.
"Normally I can do more, but" you hiccuped, then lowered your voice to a really terrible whisper, "I'm a little drunk." You leaned into him, laughing as if you just told a joke.
Wanda walked up to you with a seventh drink, hoping seven drink Y/N had a little less energy, but happy to see you having so much fun. "Here ya go! One more of your favorites, just like you asked."
"Thank youuuuuu!" You shifted to hug Wanda, leaving Bucky to miss your added warmth.
-
You sipped your seventh drink slower than the rest, quickly running out of energy. Sliding the empty glass across the bar, you slipped out of the party unnoticed, making your way to the kitchen for some pickles- your favorite drunk food.
Your seventh drink hit you just after you opened the pickles. Gone was the happy, bubbly persona you showed the world. The mask slipped away, leaving you alone to contemplate your life choices.
You made your way to to the lounge just outside of the kitchen, choosing to lay on the floor behind the couch and stare out of the large floor to ceiling windows.
-
"Where's Y/N?" Bucky glanced around the room, an uneasy feeling in his stomach.
"Huh? Oh, she said she wanted a snack." A very drunk Wanda turned to look at where the food was set up, scrunching her face in confusion when she couldn't find you. "Weird. Maybe she went to the bathroom?"
Bucky, having noticed your absence 8 minutes ago, didn't think you left for a bathroom break. "Maybe." Plus, you always took the girls to the bathroom with you. His eyes flitted about the room, taking one more glance before deciding to go look for you.
He decided to head for the kitchen since Wanda said you wanted a snack. He laughed at the open jar of pickles, knowing you at least passed through this room. He put the pickles away before popping his head into the lounge area.
"Y/N?" He called out, figuring this was the most likely location for you to end up.
You hummed in response, not moving from your spot on the floor. Bucky walked further into the room, slightly confused as to why he could hear you but not see you. That is, until he realized you were laying on the floor behind the couch.
"Why are you on the floor?" He smiled when he found you.
"I'm just looking at the sky." Your voice held a melancholy air as it floated through the room. Bucky's smile faltered, not used to hearing you sad. In the three years he's known you, he's only ever seen you sad because of a movie or tv show. Otherwise, you were quite literally always happy.
"Why-" he faltered, unsure how to check on you. "Is everything okay?" he nearly choked the words out, feeling slightly stressed at your sudden gloominess.
"Yeah." You took a deep breath, slowly letting it out in a deep sigh. "Yeah, I'm fine. It's just... I don't know." You sigh again, still looking at the sky.
Bucky chances another question, wanting to get you talking since you're acting so off. "How are you feeling?"
"I feel... so sorry." You words were so soft that Bucky could barely hear them.
"Sorry?" He tried to hide his confusion, matching your soft tone as he sat down a few feet away from you. "About what doll?"
"Just... because I feel so sad." Tears pooled in your eyes, but you didn't stop staring at the sky.
"What are you sad about?" It's taking everything in him for Bucky not to hold you right now. He doesn't want to make you even more upset, especially because he's never seen you like this.
"No one around me knows who I am..." He watched as a tear rolled down your cheek, shining in the light from the moon.
Bucky moves closer, just close enough for him to reach out and hold your hand. You squeeze it, instant relief flooding through him that he hasn't crossed any boundaries.
He goes to speak, but you cut him off. "I'm not breaking. I won't take it. And I won't ever feel this way again." Your voice is harder, as if your angry with yourself.
"Hey, hey, hey. It's okay to have feelings. You're allowed to feel like this. Don't push it away. Talk to me. Why don't you think anyone knows who you are? We're all here for you, Y/N." He rubs his thumb over the back of your hand, trying to convey how serious he is.
You let out a dry laugh, wiping the the tears from your cheek. "My self preservation..." Bucky can tell there's more to, choosing to wait for you to continue. "All of my reservations..." You sigh again, sitting up, you scoot closer until you can lean your forehead against his shoulder. "I bottle it up. I'm my own biggest enemy." You let out another dry laugh, shaking your head without moving it from its resting place on Bucky's shoulder.
Bucky wraps his arm around you and leans his cheek against your head. "Take your time. You can talk to me." He whispered, trying to keep you talking without getting mad at yourself again.
"Well, I'd like to tell you that my sky is not blue, it's violent rain." The sounds of your sniffles break his heart. "I just pretend everything's fine because that's what I had to do when I was younger." Rather then interrupting, Bucky continues to rub small circles on your hand and your back, encouraging you to continue when you're ready. "Can I tell you a story? I... I think it'll help explain some of it."
"Of course. Anything you need, doll." He curses himself for the pet name, not wanting you to think he's joking. He just can't help it when it comes to you.
"Thank you, ducky." You chuckle, but your words are just as sincere as his. "You know I have two sisters, and I love them with all my heart, but sometimes growing up with them was hard. My older sister, she put so much pressure on herself to succeed. And, she did. She was so good at everything she did, that I felt like I had to be just as perfect.
With my younger sister, it was like it was effortless. She put just as much, if not more pressure on herself. but, she could do anything she tried to, with almost no learning curve. I always felt this crazy amount of pressure to be just as good.
My parents, they didn't really help with that. I mean, they were so supportive and I'm so grateful to them, but it was a lot of pressure. The summer between my junior and senior year of college, I wanted to get an internship. Ya know, to get some experience. It would set me up better for getting a job after graduation.
I spent months looking and applying, but nothing was working out. So, I went home for the summer. My mom would come home everyday and ask me if I got a job yet.
I spent nearly every waking hour looking for a job, even just a part time one for the summer. So one day, when we sat down for dinner and she asked if I got a job yet..."
Bucky could feel how tense you were telling this story, but he knew you needed to get it out.
"I told her, 'no, not yet' and she just seemed so disappointed. She asked if I was even applying and I snapped.
I yelled at her, something that had never really happened before. I told her I was trying. I was doing everything I could. She yelled at me for yelling and said it wasn't unreasonable to ask for updates.
I yelled right back. I kept saying I spend all day everyday trying and just when I finally get a break, she walks in and brings it all up again. I was stressed enough without her constant reminders.
I ended up running away from the table, in tears. I hid in the bathroom, there... there was a pair of scissors on the counter and I really thought about killing myself that day."
The tears are pouring out of you at this point. Bucky threw caution to the wind. He picked you up, maneuvering you to sit across his lap and lean your head on his chest. He kept rubbing circles into your back, murmuring words of encouragement.
"My younger sister tried to check on me, but I wouldn't open the door. My mom stomped down the hallway to her bedroom. I was full on having a panic attack in the hallway bathroom. I think I stayed in there for an hour before I went back to the dinner table.
My dad was in the kitchen. He put my plate in the microwave to heat up dinner for me. I ate through near constant tears, it only got worse every time he tried to ask me what happened. Why I snapped like that.
I wanted to apologize to my mom for yelling, so after I ate I went to her room. I knocked, and when she told me to come in I opened the door. I just remember her looking so angry.
I apologized. I told her I was sorry for yelling. She said something about not being unreasonable again. I cried again. When she asked what was wrong, I told her I was scared.
I couldn't put it into words though, so when she asked me 'of what?' I just shrugged. Then, she asked me if I was on my period.
God. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell at her again, To make her understand 'I only wanna die some days. But if I decide to break, who will fill the empty space?' I decided that day that I would never try to tell anyone how I actually felt."
Bucky holds you as you cry. You're not sure how long it's been when you can finally breathe enough to talk again.
"I just, so many people have bigger problems then me. I grew up in a loving household. I went to college and made friends. I got a job after I graduated. So why am I so sad sometimes? I just wanna scream but what’s the use? At night, I lay awake and I stare at the door, I just can’t take it no more."
Bucky continues comforting you when he speaks again. "Just because other people have problems, doesn't mean yours are irrelevant. You are 100% allowed to feel however you feel, even if it seems like there's no reason for it. Have you ever thought about talking to someone about all of this? I know you just said you haven't told anyone how you actually feel for years, but I think it could help." He smiled nervously when you raised your head to look at him.
"I have actually. I joked about it a lot with my roommate right out of college. I always used to say 'everybody needs therapy' as a joke. Of course, I meant it. Most people probably do need therapy." You laughed, moving your arms around Bucky's neck to hug him. "Thank you for listening to me. I like talking to you."
Of course, Bucky noticed your smile didn't reach your eyes. He was confident in his words when he spoke again. "You can always talk to me. I'll always be there to listen." He followed that with a less confident "What's been bothering you today?"
"Oh, nothing that serious. It's just all pent up inside, ya know?" You smiled again, hiding your face so he couldn't see your lies.
Of course, he could still hear it in your voice. "Y/N, you can tell me. I want to be here for you."
"I... It's just, my insecurities are hurting me." You laughed at yourself. "Here we go with the fucking riddles, again. On the plus side, I think I've cried so much I'm back to one drink Y/N."
"Well, it has been 3 hours since I left to come find you." You were grateful for Bucky's joke, needing something to lift the mood a bit. "But, don't try and change the subject. I still want to know what's got you all sad." His words were light, but you knew how serious he was.
You took a deep breath, burying your head in his neck. "How could somebody ever love me?" You spoke into his shirt, not moving your head back even an inch.
"You know I can't understand you when you talk into my neck like that." Bucky tried joking, but even he knew it would do little to calm your fears.
You moved back, lips still grazing his skin when you repeated yourself, "how could somebody ever love me?"
Bucky wanted to scream. He wanted to tell you how much he loves you. He would gladly spend every day of his life loving you, but he didn't think this was the right time. Not when you just poured your heart out to him. So he settled for the almost truth.
"Anyone would be lucky to love you. You are selfless. You put everyone else first, no matter what. You always make sure everyone has a reason to smile, even when things aren't going right. You tell the best jokes. You're great at cuddling." He squeezes you closer to him, emphasizing the point. "You are beautiful, inside and out. Everyone who comes into contact with you automatically has a better day. You are incredibly strong and independent. I've never met anyone so incredibly good. Even Steve. Anyone would be lucky to be loved by you."
His words brought more tears to your eyes, pooling in the corners. "Then how come everyone that I’ve dated says they hate it cause they don’t know what to do with me? I feel broken."
"They were all idiots. You're not broken. Not even a little bit. You're learning how to express your feelings. You just need someone who would take it slow." He pressed a kiss to your forehead, struggling not to tell you everything.
"I wonder if you’d take it slow." Your eyes go wide when that slips out. You hadn't meant to make things uncomfortable. One look at Bucky's face has you freaking out. He looks stunned. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to say that. It just slipped out! Oh god, you've been there for me all night and I go and fuck it up by admitting I'm in love with you."
Your eyes grow even larger. You would move out of his lap, but his arms are still holding you in place. "Shit! Maybe I'm still drunk because apparently I have no filter." You say the last part more to yourself, but he can still hear you.
"Y/N?" Your name comes out of his mouth in a soft whisper.
"Yes?" You cringe internally at messing everything up.
"I would take it slow." He smiles, leaning his forehead against yours while he waits for you to absorb his words.
"Yeah?" You whisper back, a smile ghosting your lips.
"Yeah." You both lean in, exchanging soft, slow kisses and sleepy smiles.
--
The two of you ended up falling asleep leaning against the back of the couch. The sun streaming through the windows, combined with the noise of the other avengers in the kitchen, wakes you up.
You nudge Bucky, grinning when he pulls you closer.
"C'mon. Let's get some breakfast." He groans again, but eventually stands up.
The two of you walk into the nearly full kitchen, surprising everyone by coming from the lounge rather than the elevators. They share amused expressions, unaware of the emotional hurdles you jumped last night.
You head right for Sam, hugging him tightly before moving on to hug everyone else.
"I just wanted to thank you all. For encouraging me to live a little last night, but also for being there for me." Tears spring to your eyes again, shocking everyone but Bucky. "You're all like a family to me and I'm so glad I have you all to lean on." You made your way back to Bucky, leaning into his side while he poured both of you some cereal.
You smile when you look at him, kissing his cheek before sliding into the stool next to his.
As if broken out of a day dream, Sam sputters out a question. "What the hell did seven drink Y/N do last night?" Thrown off both by your behaviour with Bucky and the short emotional speech.
"Oh, seven drink Y/N is an emotional little bitch. I think I cried eight years of suppressed tears." You laughed, grinning at Bucky when he squeezed your hand. "Also, I think I need a therapist." Your casual admission has Tony spitting out his breakfast.
"What the hell happened last night after you disappeared from the party?" He guffaws, trying to put the pieces together.
"Also, why aren't you even a little bit hungover?" Nat chimed in, upset at missing out on seeing you anything but cheery.
"Well, to answer Nat first, I don't get hungover. Never have, even the one time I blackout out." You shrugged at everyone's slightly jealous expressions. "To answer Tony, I had an emotional breakthrough. Bucky helped me talk through it, something I never thought I'd be able to do. Long story short, i'm going to learn how to share my feelings instead of suppressing them all."
"Suppressing them? What are you talking about? I've literally never felt anything but happiness from you before?" Wanda questioned the new development.
"Well, that's because I'm really good at hiding how I feel. I'd rather not go through it all again, so just watch the security footage from the lounge last night, yeah? I want you all to know, even if it took seven drink Y/N to share it." You quickly finished eating, pulling Bucky to the doorway.
"While you do that, we're going out. Bye!" Before they could question anything else, you ran to the elevator, dragging a very willing Bucky behind you.
"We're going out?" He questioned when the elevator doors shut.
"Yep. Get dressed, I want to see all your favorite places in New York. Even if they're different now. Take me to all your favorite spots." You both smiled, sharing another soft kiss before parting to change for the day.
"Hey," Bucky called, causing you to turn over your shoulder, "I love you."
"I love you too."
#bucky x reader#bucky x you#bucky x y/n#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes x you#bucky barnes x y/n#bucky barnes fanfiction#marvel fanfiction#bucky barnes angst#bucky barnes fluff#bucky barnes one shot#tw: suicide#tw: depression#tw: panic attack
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A Little Too Intense (Haikyuu!!)
Primary Universe
Summary: See above.
Word Count: 934
~~~
“What…what is going on?” Hinata asked incredulously, glancing up at Kageyama, who looked just as stupefied.
The setter shook his head. “I have no idea.”
Lucky for them, their second-year libero was on hand to fill in the blanks. “They do this sometimes,” Noya explained, putting his hands on his hips as he watched the other side of the court, where Daichi and Suga had Tanaka pinned to the floor, laughing his head off. “When he gets a little too much. It’s a pretty surefire way to chill him out. They actually were doing this before you two crazy tickle monsters showed up, if you can believe it.” He flashed them a teasing smirk.
Hinata and Kageyama exchanged glances, then looked back over to the opposing side of the court. They were still totally lost. One minute they’d been playing a three-on-three practice game, and the next both third-years had tackled their teammate to the ground in a flurry of movement. Now Tanaka’s laughter was ringing out through the gym, making the first-years feel both intrigued and a little awkward.
After another minute or so the ruckus died down, leaving Tanaka panting on the floor as Daichi and Suga both stood up and high-fived.
“No fair,” he groaned as he sat up, pouting a little. “It wasn’t even my fault.”
“It wasn’t your fault you got so riled up we needed to chill you out?” Daichi challenged.
“No!” Tanaka was adamant. He pointed his finger accusingly at Hinata and Kageyama, who flinched. “It was those two! They’re always so hyper and stuff; they’re the reason I got so intense just now. Blame them!”
“Hold on!” Hinata protested. “We’re always like that, but you only get intense every now and then. This isn’t our fault!”
“And if what Noya says is true, stuff like this happened even before we got here,” Kageyama added in a calmer tone, crossing his arms. “So I agree with Hinata. It isn’t our fault you couldn’t stay calm.”
The third-years looked at each other. They appeared to be having a conversation without words, if the flickering emotions across their faces was anything to go by. Finally Suga chuckled and said, “Well, Hinata…it may actually be your fault after all.”
“Me?! What about Kageyama?”
“Leave me out of this,” the setter hissed under his breath, smacking the back of Hinata’s head.
“Kageyama’s, too,” Daichi added, making him bristle.
Hinata smacked him back. “See? We’re both to blame – but wait, no we’re not!” The redhead grabbed his hair in confused frustration. “Would someone please explain what’s going on here?!”
“Remember last week when Kageyama was out sick, so you had to practice with me as your setter?” Suga asked.
“Remember how upset you got that you couldn’t get a spike past me without him?” Daichi smirked. “We had to chill you out that night, if you’ll recall.”
Kageyama glanced at the redhead, surprised. This was the first he’d heard of it.
Hinata was undeterred. “What does that have to do with Tanaka?”
“Or me?” Kageyama added.
“You two have had an impact since day one,” Daichi said seriously, using his captain’s tone now. “And while it’s true that Tanaka would have episodes like this before you showed up, it has gotten worse thanks to your guys’ competitive energy.”
At this point, Noya – whom almost everyone had forgotten was also in the gym – laughed. “Spare us the lecture, you guys. Just say you want to tickle them too and get on with it already!”
Suga laughed, too. “Way to ruin the moment, Noya. But you’re right.”
Tanaka cackled manically as he got to his feet. “Yes! Get them! It’s their fault, not mine!”
Five people moved at once, all in different directions. Daichi lunged for Kageyama. Suga went for Hinata. Hinata turned on his heel to run. Kageyama did, too, but Noya grabbed his arm and started dragging him toward the gym exit.
“Come on, guys! Let’s get out of here!” the libero cried with a laugh, loving all of this silly play more than anyone else in the gym. Kageyama stumbled after him, and they got to the door with ease.
Hinata, however, was not so lucky.
“No, not again!” he shrieked as Suga caught up to him by joining forces with Daichi, who had averted his course just as Noya pulled Kageyama from his reach. Now the two third-years each had one of Hinata’s arms, and they were both tickling his sides and underarms with huge grins on their faces. “Wahahahahahait! Whahahahahat about Kahahahahageyama?!”
“We can deal with him later,” Suga chuckled.
Kageyama stopped in the doorway for just a moment when he heard his name being screamed around a mouthful of laughter. He turned, saw Hinata in his upperclassmen’s clutches, and hesitated. Should he go back to help? But he couldn’t take them both, and Tanaka looked like he was about ready to join in, and Noya was still pulling on his arm…
“AGH!! NOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!! NOHOHOHOHOT THE RIHIHIHIBS, PLEHEHEHEASE!!” Hinata screeched, tossing his head back with hysterics as he crumpled to the floor in defeat, easily overpowered by his two bigger, stronger teammates. “ANYWHEHEHEHERE BUT THEHEHEHEHERE, PLEHEHEHEHEASE!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! KAGEYAMA YOU TRAHAHAHAHAITOR!!”
Technically Kageyama hadn’t actually abandoned him yet. But one devious look from Tanaka and one more pull on his arm from Noya was all the motivation he needed. He didn’t want them to find and attack his worst spot; he wasn’t ready for anyone to do that yet. So he turned his back on the redhead and took off with Noya, leaving Hinata at the mercy of the third-years.
#fanfiction#tickle fic#haikyuu#haikyuu!!#hq#shoyo#hinata#tobio#kageyama#noya#daichi#suga#tanaka#playful#tickling#ticklish#tickle
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the sheridan tapes 📼 part two. here and under the cut, you can find over 130 lines of dialogue from the horror podcast the sheridan tapes, specifically from episodes four to six, edited for roleplay purposes. some of these focus heavily on survival, war, science, and spooky stuff, but a lot can be used by anyone. tw: war, unreality, a mention of cannibalism, implications of manic behaviour.
❝ god, i hate snowstorms like this. not just getting caught in them, but the storms themselves. it feels like the earth’s trying to bury me alive every time it locks in like this. like nature’s rightly pissed off at all of us and doing its level best to crush us to death. ❞
❝ that’s what yom kippur means: the day of atonement. ❞
❝ that wasn’t the first time i’ve caught him in my office, going through my stuff. ❞
❝ normally i’d be annoyed at someone calling me young lady. ❞
❝ thank you… you are so warm… thank you for letting me in. ❞
❝ suddenly, everything fell into place. i made more progress than i had in about half a year. ❞
❝ the thing i remember most was catching disapproving glances from my father every time i went to the library. ❞
❝ why does time only run forward? why does cause need to precede effect? ❞
❝ no one knows if they can trust me with casework or not. ❞
❝ i didn’t say i was interested. ❞
❝ [he/i] was taken off duty and sent for psychiatric evaluation the next day. ❞
❝ coffee. i was making coffee. ❞
❝ i didn't mean to get stuck out here. ❞
❝ that just goes to show how small humans really are in the grand scheme of things: take away our tools and our toys and our technology, and we’re still just as vulnerable as we ever were. ❞
❝ she was good at that: making you feel like you were safe, like you could open up to her. ❞
❝ i’m just going to cover that one up. no harm in keeping it out of sight for the moment. ❞
❝ maybe there was someone in the stairs. ❞
❝ i think i did the lion’s share of the talking, which almost never happens. ❞
❝ i couldn’t get to sleep... i figured i’d get a head start today. ❞
❝ i’m afraid i don’t have all of the details of your involvement with the… tragic events in [place]. and i don’t think i’m the only one. ❞
❝ i’m still not sure i understand the whole tradition. ❞
❝ whatever it is, it’s chasing me. i can hear it’s footsteps in the snow, i can hear it— ❞
❝ when you work nights here, the less you really think about them, the better. ❞
❝ honestly, i just can’t get it out of my head. ❞
❝ snow is one of nature’s simplest and most effective ways of killing you dead if you aren’t prepared for it. ❞
❝ i wish you’d tell me what you’re doing here. i could lose my job if anything gets broken or if you end up getting hurt in there… ❞
❝ would you say you… considered her a friend? ❞
❝ would you mind saying your name again? for the recording? ❞
❝ if that was true, then there was something—and as a scientist, i hate to say this—supernatural going on in that lab. ❞
❝ most of them didn’t make it. a lot of them died afraid and alone, too. ❞
❝ i know you don’t like listening to these things, so i just wanted to help you out with… ❞
❝ if i could sleep, then trust me, i would. ❞
❝ i’m guessing the new owners are trying to make this place seem less creepy than it already is. ❞
❝ my schooling was expensive and unremarkable. ❞
❝ a lot of them died afraid and alone, too: ideal conditions for the making of poltergeists, in my experience. ❞
❝ look, i’m sorry, but this really isn’t a good time for anything, so if you wouldn’t mind… ❞
❝ basically, i was picturing a slightly creepier morticia addams. i couldn’t have been more wrong. ❞
❝ now i have to deal with [name]’s aspirations to write drama.. ❞
❝ i promise i won’t get you sacked. ❞
❝ i’ve never been very religious, but for some reason… it made me think of hell. ❞
❝ i think it may have been a thank you. ❞
❝ i’m working the graveyard shift and i noticed the lights were on. ❞
❝ i shouldn’t be here. no one asked me to come in this early. ❞
❝ everyone around here looks at me like i’m some kind of leper. ❞
❝ i had to go home for a few hours. i’m already on thin ice around here, and i didn’t want to get in more trouble for screaming obscenities up and down the wall. ❞
❝ it was… darkness. no, that doesn’t do it credit, the whole place was dark. this was just... void. ❞
❝ if i’d seen her anywhere else, i’d think she was an athlete or a backpacker. ❞
❝ better scientists than me have been bashing their heads into that particular wall since 1927. ❞
❝ i just want you to know that… whatever you really are... you’re safe here. ❞
❝ goats being goats, it would just come back the next day looking for food. ❞
❝ i would like you to leave my office now… and i’ll ask you not to tamper with evidence in the future, understood? ❞
❝ no, of course, i don’t have signal out here, so i can’t just call triple-a. ❞
❝ what are you doing in my office—at four goddamn thirty in the morning? ❞
❝ you ever wonder where the line is? you know, between human and not? ❞
❝ the funny thing i’ve noticed about war: no matter how terrible the fighting is, there always seems to be too much waiting. too much quiet. too much sitting around, bored to tears between fits of chaos and violence, lost in routine while waiting for the other shoe to drop. ❞
❝ a lot of people condemn them for that. we’re so sure we’d never resort to that—that we’d rather die than cross that unspoken boundary. ❞
❝ i’ve been at the [workplace/institution] for ten years now. that’s long enough to know that the ones who ask questions are the ones who can’t cut it. ❞
❝ the program blew every fuse in the lab. including the lights. ❞
❝ it was soon after they left that i began to have trouble sleeping. ❞
❝ perhaps we never knew each other as well as most friends do, but… we cared for one another. ❞
❝ most of her questions are a bit above my pay grade. ❞
❝ i’m trying, i’m trying! i can’t get the door open! ❞
❝ i don’t know why she needed my help: i think she had a better grasp of it than most science fiction writers. ❞
❝ we both had places to be afterwards, so we kind of rushed. i really wish i’d taken the time to say goodbye. ❞
❝ i guess some things just… don’t want to stay buried. ❞
❝ it was completely against orders of course, but no one really noticed or cared that far from the front. ❞
❝ i offered to buy him a cup of coffee. ❞
❝ newspapers praised them at the time: saw them as heroes of exploration and paragons of pioneer courage. ❞
❝ i signed a lot of big, scary nda’s during my time there. ❞
❝ i did the only thing that came to mind: i took a grenade from my belt, removed the pin, and threw it. ❞
❝ i doubt this storm will last more than a couple of days, and once it lets up we can sneak out of here and get going again. very, very carefully. ❞
❝ given enough time, everything will rot away to its elementary components, and that, you can’t reverse. ❞
❝ i really can’t see anything from inside the van. ❞
❝ i knew there were a few experiments that dealt with some pretty high-level theoretical concepts, but i wasn’t directly involved with any of them. ❞
❝ it’s a strange choice, but then again, he’s a strange man. ❞
❝ i know, it sounds ridiculous. trust me, i’ve done everything i can think of to make that conclusion go away. ❞
❝ scared the bejeezus out of a bunch of skiers, but they were nice enough to let me in after deciding i probably wasn’t a ghost. ❞
❝ please… it burns my skin… please… ❞
❝ i forgot how fast storms blow in up here. ❞
❝ it’s not like i felt out of control: it felt more natural than breathing. ❞
❝ i didn’t know what i was doing, not at any conscious level. but one step seemed to lead to another, then the next, and then the next. ❞
❝ it’s called a butcher’s shop in some places, but a mortuary in others. as much as i’d love to imply there was some sweeney todd style recycling going on here, i think the place has just been a lot of things over the years. ❞
❝ god, these things are creepy as hell. ❞
❝ if you wouldn’t mind, please, tell us what happened? in your own time, of course. ❞
❝ it took a few long, nerve-wracking days to work up my courage and visit the section again. ❞
❝ it’s not that odd to think that people ate each other out there. ❞
❝ i didn’t think there was a ghost in my room or anything like that, i just kept hearing noises whenever i was about to fall asleep. ❞
❝ i downed half a dozen energy drinks at 6 and called it dinner—i know, i know, it’s a nasty habit i picked up in grad school. ❞
❝ they told me that the cpu and motherboard had somehow been melted into a solid lump of plastic and silicon. ❞
❝ i mean, [name] was a pain in the ass, but at least he didn’t… ❞
❝ my schedule was full, but i had something else fall through at the last minute. i had your number on my desk, so i thought i may as well call. ❞
❝ i wonder if it was afraid, or if it even realized what was going to happen. it probably didn’t. ❞
❝ i need to get more coffee. or punch someone. whichever’s more convenient. ❞
❝ god, if that’s really how i sound… ❞
❝ people think i write horror, but i don’t really think that’s true. i just write fiction with all of the comfortable little lies taken out of it. ❞
❝ i have loved the stars too truly to be fearful of the night. ❞
❝ i think he felt something about this place… some influence or power that needed to be destroyed, so he tried to do it the only way he knew how. ❞
❝ well, it’s a tricky thing. the more realistic you make them, the more… unreal they start to look. i think it’s something about the eyes. ❞
❝ i offered to stay late, just to smooth things over. ❞
❝ maybe i can get some writing done while i’m stuck here… ❞
❝ no child could grow up in a jewish home surrounded by books and not read at least one story about golems. ❞
❝ i just wasn’t a good student, despite my love of reading. ❞
❝ i have to say, i like your jane doe. ❞
❝ she was a scientist herself. maybe not formally, but her way of thinking, her insight, her methods... they were scientist’s qualities. ❞
❝ seriously, what do i need to do to get a little privacy around here, a little dignity? hang a ‘ do not disturb ’ sign on the door? change all my locks? ❞
❝ maybe it was stupid, but i figured, ‘ hey, early december, not a cloud in the sky—should still be fine, right? ’ ❞
❝ jesus, [name], i wasn’t born yesterday. ❞
❝ maybe doing this while it’s still dark outside isn’t the best idea. ❞
❝ more than a century and a half have passed, and this place is still just as dangerous as it was then. ❞
❝ now, [mr./ms./mx. name], i’m sure you know why you’re here. ❞
❝ the [event] was a bust—only about a dozen people showed up all afternoon. ❞
❝ i never put much stock in the idea of inspiration, but for the first time in my life, it felt like i wasn’t pushing myself through the muck of miscalculation and guesswork towards a solution. i was being pulled towards an answer that already existed. ❞
❝ it felt like i was a few steps from finding out something fundamental. some truth about our universe that no other scientist had ever dared to dream of. ❞
❝ huh. that’s… that’s weird. i could’ve sworn there wasn’t a sculpture back there before. ❞
❝ apparently, no one had told them what i was doing, and i wasn’t actually cleared to leave. ❞
❝ maybe he’s trying to make amends. keeping watch over these half-living things to make sure no harm comes to them. ❞
❝ i expected the building to be wreathed in shadow and overgrown with cobwebs, but it's actually really nice. ❞
❝ sorry, i was trying to get my recorder working, but it froze up on me so i had to find a tape for this old… ❞
❝ okay. just… don’t get me sacked, alright? can’t exactly retire on this salary. ❞
❝ but if it was real—i don’t know if i somehow created it, or if it was feeding me information about itself before it appeared. ❞
❝ i’ve never had a manic episode before, and i was well below the level of caffeine needed to cause intoxication. as far as i can tell, there isn’t a medical explanation for what happened. ❞
❝ i don’t get the appeal of meeting real celebrities. it’s just a cheap shock of recognition, and nothing more. ❞
❝ whatever this… thing was, it sounds pretty dangerous. ❞
❝ are you familiar with temporal asymmetry? ❞
❝ i just want to make that abundantly clear: this /wasn’t/ the plan. ❞
❝ right then, now let’s get started. please state your name and rank for the record. ❞
❝ though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light. ❞
❝ a cracker of a book, young lady. ❞
❝ no wonder they’re keeping them in storage. they’d give anyone nightmares. ❞
❝ i was just going to finish out my shift unless… you want me to stick around? ❞
❝ i went to the university, but don’t remember much of the years i spent there. ❞
❝ having to study textbooks and essays day in and day out took all of the joy out of reading for a long time. ❞
❝ we call paradoxes paradoxes for a reason: no matter how plausible they seem, they can never really happen. ❞
❝ i don’t know what happened to me that night. i still don’t even know if what i saw was real. ❞
❝ when we look into the void for too long, we find the monsters instead. ❞
#sentence starters#sentence meme#rp sentence starters#rp sentence meme#rp meme#* sentences.#* meme.#sheridan#trying some minor new things w/ the formatting#especially for these longer#non numbered sentence memes
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Weight of the World
WARNING: This is a sensitive Fic that deals with depression, mentions of dark thoughts, punching a wall, and anxiety. It has a fluffy ending.
A/N: Please put yourself first and don't read this fic if it will put you in any kind of dark place because of what is metions and please know that my DM’s are always open. Feel free to message me all hours of the day or night, I am always here to talk.
Request: this is a touchy request so i understand if you are uncomfortable with writing it. it’s kinda a comfort/coping prompt but can you write corpse x reader where reader has been going through manic depression and just pushes everyone away and performs self destructive behavior, and corpse has to talk y/n out of su*icide? recently i’ve just.. been really going through it is all i can say. if you don’t wanna write it, totally understandable ❤️
Paring: Corpsex reader, Sykkuno x reader (best friends)
You rolled over in your bed as your phone rang, hiding yourself further into your covers. You woken up yesterday morning and your depression had hit you full force. You couldnt really put a finger on wheat caused your manic depressive episode but it was kicking your ass. It had been a while since you felt like this and you couldnt find the strength at the moment to pull yourself out of it and in doing so you were pushing away the person you loved the most. Corpse. The love of your life but you couldnt even answer his phone calls or texts. Instead you physically turned away from his caller ID, the last time you had talked to him was through a text yesterday telling him that you needed space and that was all.
The more you thought about it the angrier it made you, the angrier you became with yourself. As your mind slipped into darker, angrier thoughts your phone rang again but think time it was your best friend Sykkunos ring tone, Big booty bitches.
Corpse must have called him. You thoguht before reluctantly picking up the phone, wiping tears from your face. “What Sykkuno”
“Oh uh h-hi y/n. I just wanted to uh call you and check up on you, you didnt come to the Among Us lobby yesterday.” You sighed.
“Im fine Sy.” Your tone was short and rough, you hated acting this way but you didnt want to pull anyone else down intot the slump that you were in.
“O-okay, well im here okay. Love you y/n/n”
“Yeah love you too sy. Never forget that.” and with that you hung up on him, tears running down your face again as your thoughts continued down a dark route.
CORPSE POV
Corpse was going out of his mind trying to figure out what was going on with you. After your text yesterday he had been battling his anxiety on wether or not he should oush the situation, corpse knew you depression could get back sometimes but he also understood sometimes people just needed space. So he turned to the only other person he could trust right now, Sykkuno.
“Hey buddy.”
“Oh hey corpse, whats goin on?” It made corpse smile to hear that at least sykkuno was still his normal cheerie self.
“I need a favor, I think y/n is having another episode butbut she wont answer my calls so I was wondering if you could try and call her for me. See if she answers.”
“Yeah of course man, but why dont you just go over there?” Corpse sighs.
“Im going to but I dont want to push ya know. Its- this is a touchy thing.” Sykkuno hums in agreement before hanging up. Corpse paces back and forth in his livingroom till Sykkuno calls back.
“Hey Corpse”
“Did she answer?” Sykkuno sighs.
“Yeah and she doesnt sound like shes doing very well.Im actually really really worried Corpse.” Before Sykkuno could even finish his sentence Corspe was grabbing his car keys and hoodie.
“Im heading over there now, Ill text you later with and update. Thank you for calling her.”
“Of course, just keep me updated.” Corpse faster than he ever had , it was a mirical he didnt get pulled over.
Please be okay, please be okay. He repeated in his mind over and over as he run up to your apartment door. He entered quietly and quickly, not even bothering to take his shoes off. You entire apartment was dark and eerily quiet but as he neared your bedroom he could hear your quiet cries coming from the bathroom. He knocks on the door and tires to open it but it was locked.
“Go away.” You cried with broke Corpses heart.
“Baby girl, please open the door.”
“NO please just go away!”
Your POV
You felt out of control as you cried so you puched and yelp in pain. Corpse wastes no time kicking in the door.
“Im sorry baby Ill fix that I promise.” He says quickly as he kneels down beside you. You didnt know if it was the suddenness of the door kicking in or him beig here or both but you broken down into even more of a crying mess on your bathroom floor. Corpse pulls you into his chest and you try to fight him off.
“No leave me alone, go away!” He only held you tighter and closer.
“Y/N I’m not going anywhere. We made a promise to eachother remember? We promised to never leave eachother remember? Me and you together. Im promise to fight next to you. So please just breath and let me help baby please.” Eventually you stopped fighting against him and clung to him like your life depended on it, and in this moment you were positive it did. You didnt know how much time passed between that moment and when Corpse finally stood, holding you bridalstyle as he carried you to the room. You laid both you you down, never letting you leave his hold. As you laid there Corpse left sof kisses around your face and whispered sweet loving things to you.
“You are so strong Y/n” He ran his fingers through your hair and kissed your forehead. “You are beautiful and smart” Corpse kisses your temple. “You are worth every single breath you take, every single atom and molecule in this universe that you take up you are worthy of.” He gently lifts you chin so you were looking up at him with your red, puffy eyes. “A wise girl once told me, that I know it gets hard and feels like the weight of the world is one your shoulders but theres two of us now and you dont have to take the weight on alone.” You sniffle and look up at him.
“Hey I said that.” Your voice was weak and horse from crying.
“Yes baby girl, you did, and I hope you knoe its true. I am right here.”
“I dont want to burden you, I know you have some much on your plate already I dont want to throw my shit on there too.” He shakes his head and lays his forehead on yours.
“You arent burdening me, the only thing that ever puts more stress on my plate is when you push me away because I cant help you when you do that.” You sniffle reaching up and brush your finger tips across his cheek.
“Im so sorry I put you through this.” Tears started to well up in your eyes but Corpse qucikly wipes under them and peppers your forehead in kisses.
“Hey hey hey none of that baby. Alls well now. Im here now.”
“Thank you my love. You are my rock.’
“And you are mine”
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#corpse husband#corpse husband x reader#corpse fic#corpse husband x female reader#corpse husband imagine#youtubers fanfic#youtubers x reader#youtuber imagine
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Take Your Father to Work Day (S2, E4)
As many people have said: This is one of the STRONGEST Prodigal Son episodes to date. It was incredible. My time-stamped thoughts for this episode are below.
I reference Malcolm’s mental health and sexual violence in this one. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.
SPOILERS AHEAD:
0:16 - OMG. Destiny’s Child. Whoever is in charge of the soundtrack for this show needs a raise. Or an award. It’s SOO GOOD.
0:18 - How great is this montage of Martin’s prison life too? I mean the insane mundanity of it combined with “Survivor” and Michael Sheen’s incredible acting is some perfect mix between hilarious, captivating, and just brilliant.
1:06 - I feel so bad for Mr.David. He has to deal with Martin’s theatrics every day. Poor guy looks done in this episode.
1:35 - CAN HECTOR BECOME A BIGGER CHARACTER?! PLEASE. He’s hilarious and I love him. “Bro. You got your ass jumped at Sunday School.”
2:09 - Wait. What? Jerry’s getting released?!? I mean, I understand that he’s no longer in need of psychiatric care......but he still killed someone. Shouldn’t he just be getting transferred to a different prison?
2:25 - Does Jerry have a death wish?!?! He’s talking about being released in a room full of jealous murderers. Everyone looks sooooo pissed at Jerry.
2:54 - Martin is such a liar. However - Michael Sheen’s performance is astoundingly good. Like he shines brighter than usual in this episode.
3:17 - Poor Malcolm. “What’s going on?” Poor boy looks terrified.
3:23 - I love everything about this scene. I love how freaked out Malcolm is. I love you extra Jessica is. BUT HANS. Holy shit. I want Hans in every episode. He’s crazy in a good way and such a beautiful comedic relief.
3:30 - OMG. “Skinny milennial” might be the best thing anyone has ever called Malcolm. Someone please tell JT and Dani - hell, even Gil. They would tease him forever and I want to see it.
3:45 - 1) Malcolm is a terrible liar. 2) Jessica knows he’s lying. 3) This story about the wine is interesting. I wonder when and how Malcolm first told Jessica the story. Was it the same night? AND HOW DID ENDICOTT’S BODY END UP IN ESTONIA?!? I WANT MORE INFORMATION ABOUT THAT NIGHT.
3:54 - “Ainsley and I came back from the hospital after Gil’s stabbing.”....we never saw Ainsley at the hospital. Was she there and left before Malcolm got there? Or is this a plot hole I need to ignore?
4:05 - The way that the flashbacks of Endicott’s murder is spliced into this scene with Malcolm’s cover story is so perfectly executed. It’s so captivating and so so well done.
4:14 - Malcolm’s eyes look quite manic during the retelling of this story. Poor guy is desperate to have everyone believe the story. Poor guy probably wants to convince himself that the story is true.
4:16 - Wait. What? Ainsley has always been clumsy? .....interesting. I’ve seen no evidence of it but I’ll believe it for the sake of the plot.
4:23 - “At least one of you has a soul.” Holy shit. hahaha Hans is brutal. I love him so much. I also love how this line makes me, as a viewer, think “does that mean the writers want me to think that Ainsley doesn’t have a soul?” ...or more likely that she doesn’t feel emotion (which can be interpreted as a lack of a soul). That she’s a psychopath like Martin?
4:27 - OMG. Jessica loves Hans. He speaks to her dramatic rich woman soul. So entertaining.
4:30 - Poor. Malcolm. This boy is always in some sort of emotional turmoil. For once I wish he was happy (but also I love the emotional whump so if that could continue that would be great).
4:44 - “It’s so much more than that.” *chef’s kiss* comedic genius. I would watch a whole episode of Mr.David making fun of Martin. But can we all just take a minute to appreciate that Martin doesn’t seem bothered at all that Mr.David is basically verbally telling him that he sucks? It’s almost like Martin thinks they’re friends?
4:50 - Martin is strangely chill talking to Mr.David in this scene. It’s a little off-putting. He almost seems normal. He’s not putting on his usual theatrics or ranting about doctor stuff. It makes you wonder how many different sides of Martin that Mr.David has witnessed.
5:01 - “Oh no. Not Jerry.” LMAO. HOLY SHIT. Michael Sheen needs an Emmy. His delivery of that line might be the funniest thing this show has ever given us. hahahahaha
5:29 - Damn. This is not Gil’s month. First Jessica dumps him. Then he has to deal with Martin Whitly in the flesh. That plus the on-going drama of worrying about Malcolm’s mental health and the stress of reintegrating into work after a STAB WOUND.
5:31 - Gil’s face. hahahahaha he’s like, “Kill me. This can’t be happening. I hate everything. I wish the ground would open up and swallow me whole.”
5:37 - “Yeah. Why’d you do it?” GIL. OMG. I’m so proud of Gil for dissing Martin to his face. BUT ALSO I worry that that’s going to give Martin more of a reason to hate Gil. I’m genuinely scared that the writers have Martin escaping as the pre-finale episode and Martin trying to kill Gil as the finale. Maybe Gil shows up trying to save Malcolm, AInsley, and Jessica (whom Martin is trying to abduct or hurt or something) idk I just feel like it’s going to be a likely subplot somewhere. I don’t want an attempt on Gil’s life to become a season finale tradition.
5:56 - Ew. “Gilly” That is a terrible nickname. I think I threw up a little.
6:00 - Damn. I love this scene. I could watch Martin and Gil pretending to be civil to each other for years. So entertaining.
6:29 - hahahahaha OMG. Gil’s reaction to Martin saying, “Thank you” PLUS Edrisa’s sudden excitement at realizing she’s 10 ft away from Malcolm’s Dad - a medical legend, is magical.
6:35 - Not gonna lie. When Edrisa said, “Ok. I’m gonna play it cool.” I had to pause my TV and walk away to calm down. I was experiencing a mixture of second hand embarrassment for Edrisa’s inevitable behaviour, excitement for what is to come, and fear that Martin would be a jerk to our precious Edrisa.
6:44 - Edrisa and Martin interacting was everything I’d hoped. It was strange, funny, sweet, and disturbing at the same time. The sweet, eccentric girl who attends cuddle parties is getting buddy-buddy with a literal serial killer. Hilarious. Even better is Gil’s background reactions as he desperately tries to keep Edrisa away from the psychopath. hahaha <3
7:12 - Gil is currently living in a nightmare. hahahahaha
7:47 - I love this. I love how Malcolm and Ainsley interact. Malcolm is such a good big brother. IDK something about these two adult siblings chilling on a couch and warning each other about Mom’s current rampage reminds me of myself and my younger brother. <3 Warms my cold dead heart. <3 PLUS has anyone else noticed that (as long as Ainsley isn’t hounding Malcolm about a story or airing out his mental health diagnoses like the bs from Q&A) Malcolm is extremely calm around Ainsley. Like maybe the calmest we’ve ever seen him?
8:20 - “Oh Ainsley, that’s a horrible idea.” This is adorable. Malcolm is totally acting like Ainsley’s surrogate dad. He’s trying so hard to protect her. <3
8:42 - There’s something about the way that Malcolm says, “Hey Gil” that makes my heart swell. Idk why. I just their father/son relationship. So much. And it makes me so happy to see Malcolm having semi-normal interactions with people in general.
8:48 - This. Is. The. Funniest. Episode. Of. Prodigal. Son. To. Date. Holy shit. The comical dread on Malcolm’s face. Martin’s glee on the phone. Gil’s general “done with life” body language. Ainsley’s utter joy at her luck. MALCOLM DRAINING THE ALKA-SELTZER. Ainsley saying “chug chug”. So perfect.
9:27 - Is it just me or has Jessica been showing way more concern for her children’s well-being this season? At first I thought it was because she was so happy with Gil....but that’s not a thing anymore (because Jessica is a MORON - seriously if this show gets cancelled before Gil and Jessica are living happily ever after I will riot) so now Idk.
10:02 - EDRISA WHY DID YOU NOT TELL GIL AND MALCOLM THAT THE SURGEON WAS ON THE PHONE?!? For a hot second, poor Malcolm looks like he thinks he’s hallucinating.
10:40 - Gil hanging up on Martin and then telling Edrisa that she needs to make new friends is everything. It’s vicious. Gil looks absolutely furious in this scene and I love it.
11:07 - Yo. Edrisa’s got some baggage. hahaha Malcolm looks soooo uncomfortable with her outburst.
11:18 - I would pay good money to watch Martin and Gil have a pissing match in front of Malcolm every episode. It’s amazing. They’re constantly trying to one-up each other. The tension is palatable. And someone Malcolm is the only one acting like a mature, working adult. Malcolm. My mentally unstable, skinny millennial.
11:34 - OH SHIT. Martin did not just bring Jessica into this. Oh SNAP. Does Martin know that Jessica dumped Gil?!?
11:56 - “I’m going to need a little more than that.” Damn. Malcolm looks pissed here. Pretty sure he hates that Martin just brought up Gil/Jessica. Malcolm’s bio-dad and real dad are fighting and it’s very clear that Malcolm is on Gil’s side.
12:17 - The look that Gil and Malcolm share here is perfect. I love it so much. You can see how annoyed they both are, how much they hate that they need Martin on this case, how much neither of them want Martin’s help. <3
12:23 - SOMEONE GIVE GIL A MEDAL. This man just grit his teeth, smiled, and let MARTIN WHITLY - the man who tried to KILL HIM work on his case. Why? Because Malcolm silently asked him to. Because Gil loves Malcolm and knows that it’s better for Martin to work with them officially than for Malcolm to work with Martin in secret. At least this way he can look out for Malcolm.
12:42 - “It’s taken Dr. Marsh years...” soooo was Dr. Marsh the name of the Asian doctor leading group therapy last season? Is this just a new actor, same character scenario? OR am I supposed to forget that Asian doctor existed last season?
13:04 - I can’t tell if Gil hates this whole “father-son in group therapy idea”. He looks kind of like he hates it (although he is looking at Martin in the shot). I’m inclined to think that Gil is worried. He doesn’t like how nice Martin is acting toward Malcolm. He doesn’t want Malcolm to get hurt again. BUT I also think there’s probably a part of Gil that thinks group therapy might be beneficial for Malcolm’s mental health? I mean it was only ever going to be terrible or amazing. Nothing in between.
13:12 - “They hate you don’t they?” GIL BRINGING THE FIRE. hahahaha angry Gil is really funny.
13:43 - OH HELL YES. More Hector. <3
13:46 - hahaha YES. Hector this is Malcolm - the son. You know, the one you had to role-play? hahaha I feel like Hector is a really cool dude (aside from the murder).
13:53 - Damn. Hector pays attention in group. He has a lot of info about Malcolm. I would’ve thought the other inmates would just tune Martin out when he starts his monologues.
13:59 - “He’s got a thing with hands?” hahahaha OMG. How did I never connect the hand thing. DOES Malcolm have a thing with hands? ....I kind of want that to be cannon?
14:00 - “You’re crazier than me.” Ouch. That must’ve hurt. Think about it - Malcolm is ridden with guilt about Endicott. He’s haunted by what he experienced as a kid and by what his father is. Malcolm believes he’s broken beyond repair. On some level Malcolm thinks he’s crazy. Now a literal killer just told him he’s crazy. That just affirms what Malcolm already believes about himself. :( PLUS right after Hector tells Malcolm that he’s crazy - the camera pans to Martin. MARTIN looks scared. Martin is losing control of the situation and he doesn’t like it. Martin knows on some level that he ruined Malcolm’s mental health. He almost looks a little guilty?
14:31 - FINALLY. We have a cannon occurrence of someone calling Malcolm “Mal” (or “Malc” if you’re going by HULU’s subtitles?). I hope the writers start having people call Malcolm by Mal/Malc more often.
14:35 - I can’t ignore it anymore. DID HECTOR HAVE THAT SCAR ON HIS FACE LAST SEASON?!? I DON’T REMEMBER IT.
14:38 - YES YES. Malcolm looks angry. I LOVE IT. Scream at him Malcolm! Give him hell!
15:03 - Yikes. Malcolm sounds like he’s about to cry here. :( My heart breaks for him. .....I wonder if this is the first time Martin has ever heard how much pain he caused Malcolm straight from Malcolm? Martin looks hella uncomfortable here.
15:25 - The inmates (literal murderers) empathizing with Malcolm is twisted, beautiful, and haunting. These guys understand how much it sucks to hang out with Martin. These guys can see the real pain in Malcolm’s expression. They know he isn’t lying. Part of me honestly wonders if one of them is going to try and hurt Martin for Malcolm. They looked pissed enough by the end of the conversation that I kind of believe they might.
16:00 - Malcolm is not acting here. For once he’s not projecting his problems onto potential suspects. He’s just venting to suspects. No pretence. I love it. BUT 100% of me wants to know where Gil is during this session. Is Gil listening? Is the session being recorded for evidence? There’s no way Gil (or Dani) wouldn’t confront Malcolm about this. Even if they just asked him if he’s okay.
16:10 - hahahaha look at Doctor Marsh. He’s like “ooookkkkkaaaayyyy. I’m a psychiatrist in a psychiatric facility for people who have committed violent crimes. BUT THIS IS THE NUTTIEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN.”
16:12 - Look at the way Martin narrows his eyes. He’s trying to figure out if Malcolm is acting. He’s finally realizing that Malcolm truly hates what Martin subjected him to as a child. I honestly think this interaction will cause Martin to shift his “become a murderer like me” agenda from Malcolm to Ainsley. He’s finally seen the depth of Malcolm’s hatred and pain and knows deep down that Malcolm will never turn into a serial killer. But there’s still hope for Ainsley. That’s not to say that Martin won’t stop gaslighting Malcolm - he totally will.
17:10 - Martin has been at Claremont for 20 YEARS. How is it that he didn’t know a gold card existed?!?
17:21 - I honestly thought Marsh was going to get shanked. For the gold card. No other reason.
18:07 - It’s not supposed to be funny but Burt freaking out and punching Marsh is HYSTERICAL. hahahahaha
18:10 - That guard who pushed Malcolm out of the room and into a safe area? He’s in my good books. Every time I watch him push Malcolm to safety I want to give him a hug. Just for doing his job. What the hell is wrong with me?!?
18:18 - UGH. I hate that creepy, satisfied look that Martin gives Malcolm. It’s the same look he gave baby Malcolm in the pilot. It’s the “we’re the same” look and it clearly bothers Malcolm. :(
18:26 - Oh look. 18 minutes into the episode and we finally have a Dani appearance!! annnnnnd no mention of JT. I mean, I get it. He’s on paternity leave. I’m happy for him. BUT TWO EPISODES WITHOUT A JT APPEARANCE IS TORTURE. At least give me a throw away line about how happy JT is or about the baby!?? Honestly - it’s my biggest gripe with this episode.
18:56 - soooo either Dr. Marsh is a terrible psychiatrist OR you can’t “cure” murderers.
19:08 - The NYPD knows that Martin cured Jerry?!? HOW? Did Mr. David get Martin to admit to shocking him? Did Mr. David tell the police?!? I don’t remember Martin telling Malcolm. I specifically remember Malcolm saying, “I don’t want to know”
20:02 - Damn. I want Ainsley to go dark so badly. I want to see how badly it would destroy Malcolm and Jessica. I am evil.
20:52 - Malcolm’s burgundy jacket is gorgeous. That is all.
21:10 - Malcolm knows that Martin wants to escape. This is good. I love this.
21:55 - THERE’S A WOMENS WARD?!? REVOLUTIONARY INFORMATION. I THOUGHT THEY HAD A SEPARATE HOSPITAL.
22:00 - Oh wow. Finally - a perk to gender inequality.
22:52 - This Brightwell scene is so cute. I love watching Malcolm be excited about solving the crime. I love watching Dani gently tease him about how weird he is. I love watching them subtly flirt. Is Malcolm ready for another relationship - hell no. Do I think Dani has forgiven him - not totally. If they got together now it would end badly. But I do want them to be endgame.
23:11 - Andre is really suspicious throughout this whole scene. I’m convinced that if Dani and Malcolm weren’t too busy flirting Andre would’ve become a suspect really fast.
23:15 - Why do people get released from psychiatric prisons?!? This is a genuine question. I would’ve thought that everyone in Claremont has committed some seriously heinous crimes and only a very small portion of them are actually sick. The rest of them just pleaded insanity and had good lawyers. But even if they are/were sick. I don’t think the types of mental illnesses that drive people to murder and/or rape is something that can be cured. Sooo why are they getting released? I guess I just wonder because there’s this guy that’s been in my local news on and off for like 10+ years. He’s molested/raped many young women between the ages of about 16-25. He’s been arrested and released multiple times. He keeps getting released to different major cities in my province (usually a city with a big University) and reoffends within 6 months of being released. Most recently he was arrested last month after being released in October 2020. Clearly he’s going to keep reoffending - so why does he keep getting released? I guess I just don’t understand what the criteria are that allow an inmate who has committed that sort of crime to be released. Here’s a link to one of the more recent news stories if you’re interested: https://vancouverisland.ctvnews.ca/police-warn-of-high-risk-sex-offender-moving-to-victoria-1.5149264
23:23 - hahaha Andre is like, “Yo. This dude is freaky.”
24:15 - Look at how proud Malcolm is of his whole “lobster = murderer” profile. <3 So freaking precious. <3 and Dani looks so amused with him. <3
24:37 - Sooooo Mr. David isn’t listening to this conversation? He left the room?
24:40 - Jessica going to Martin for parenting help is terrifying. This is a woman in crisis.
25:20 - But Jessica was right to be paranoid in 97′. She wasn’t being cheated on romantically but her husband was murdering people.
25:24 - Martin is so selling his kids out here. He knows it. He doesn’t care. He’s having too much fun torturing Jessica. He’s rejoicing at the fact that he gets to play the “I turned the kids to the dark side” card.
26:40 - Poor Jessica. She looks suspicious and scared. Scared that she raised a killer even though she tried desperately to prevent that very behaviour.
26:56 - Damn. Martin is having a really good day. First he gets to annoy Gil Arroyo in the flesh. Then Edrisa talks medical with him. Then he gets to work with Malcolm. THEN his ex-wife calls him and he gets to toy with her mind. THEN his daughter, who has literally murdered someone comes to visit him. He is a proud Dad right here and he’s having an amazing day.
28:00 - Rhonda is terrifying. This girl has perfected the “I’m sweet and unthreatening” while lying and manipulating people. I swear she’s a teenage Queen B personality with a side of violence.
28:30 - I love how protective Malcolm is of Ainsley. Look how positively livid he is that Marin is talking to her. Malcolm is terrified that Martin is going to purposefully and successfully turn Ainsley into a serial killer. Malcolm doesn’t want to lose his sister. He doesn’t want Jessica to lose her ‘stable’ child.
29:09 - This scares me. This is the kind of Ainsley behaviour from last season that made me believe she is the Whitly child most like Martin. Her ruthlessness and lack of a conscience when it comes to looking for a news story is extremely upsetting.
30:11 - What the hell happened to Tevin? AND WATKINS?!? We got no closure on those guys. Are they dead? In prison? Is Tevin still in Claremont? Were they transferred to facilities outside of New York State?
30:28 - Malcolm yelling at Martin is perfect. *chef’s kiss* Finally this boy is being honest with his father and he isn’t holding back.
30:40 - Michael Sheen is an incredible actor. This is an Emmy worthy scene. By Sheen AND Payne.
30:48 - I love how you can see Mr. David just chilling. Sitting outside the door and staring across the hall during this scene. It’s just....can’t he hear the screaming?!? Is he just like, “I can’t take anymore of this today. Not my circus and not my monkeys.”
30:55 - Soooooo this is Martin showing his true colours. There’s definitely a part of Martin that hates Malcolm. I honestly wonder if that part of Martin actively tries/tried to emotionally torture Malcolm now and throughout his childhood.
31:00 - “And your mother. And you ruined HeR!!!”....does this mean Martin was trying to make Ainsley a serial killer? Maybe after the camping trip when he realized Malcolm was too “weak” to kill anyone? Is this Martin saying that Ainsley is ruined because she didn’t become a serial killer? Or that Ainsley is ruined because she killed Endicott?
31:05 - “But that’s not me.” hahaha OMG. Michael Sheen just flipped between two personalities like nobody’s business. Respect.
31:08 - Martin’s outburst hurt Malcolm. Badly. You can see it all over his face. Even now, when Malcolm is being strong and showing some backbone to Martin, Martin can wound Malcolm with a single phrase. :(
31:41 - soooo where has Gil been for the past 10 minutes of this episode?
32:02 - Sooooo did Andre kill Jerry for Rhonda? Or did he just know about the murder and keep quiet for Rhonda? Or is his oblivious to the fact that Rhonda killed Jerry? I’m honestly confused here.
32:20 - Holy shit. Rhonda is crazy. Andre is dead now. Right?
32:48 - Wait. Why did Andre have a gold card? Mr. David only has red. What kind of qualifications does a guard need to get a gold card vs blue, green, or red?!?!
32:55 - Claremont isn’t a punishment for Martin. Solitary is. Martin should live in solitary. He deserves to suffer for his crimes (and the ongoing torture of his son).
33:05 - How messed up is it that Mr. David’s job is to protect a serial killer? I don’t think I’m brave enough to do something like that. I also don’t know if I could do that for moral reasons.
33:14 - Damn. That elevator looks like it hasn’t been cleaned since it was installed. It’s sooo much nastier than the hallway outside of the elevator.
33:50 - Sooo does this mean Martin is eventually going to try and murder someone down here?
33:54 - HE CALLED FOR BACKUP <3 <3 <3 OUR BOY IS GROWING UP AND I’M SO PROUD. <3
35:40 - FINALLY SOME MALCOLM WHUMP. <3 THIS SEASON HAS BEEN LACKING IT.
36:00 - This is really interesting to me. I honestly wonder if Martin has some sort of split personality disorder (personality #1: murderous, selfish, psychopath; personality #2: loving, concerned father and lawful doctor). You can see how desperately he wants to escape. But also how much he loves his son. I honestly thought he was going to leave Malcolm to die.
36:06 - Ugh. Look at his whumped face. <3 <3 <3 ....one thing that I couldn’t stop thinking during all the tazing (which was amazing FYI, I’m not complaining) is this: in QxA (1x07) Mr. David says that he only has a single shot tazer. Why did Andre have a multi-shot tazer? Is this a gold card vs red card thing?
36:40 - WHY THE EFF DOES BACKUP NOT INCLUDE GIL?!?! I KNOW HE’S STILL IN THE BUILDING.
37:03 - MARTIN, IF YOU TOUCH A HAIR ON DANI’S HEAD I WILL PERSONALLY HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU MYSELF. He honestly looks like he wants to murder her.
37:50 - Martin’s speech is not going to help Malcolm’s mental state. At all.
38:31 - No. No. No. Martin you do NOT get to talk to Dani on a first name basis. Look at how much Dani hates it.
38:35 - I love how soft Malcolm looks as Martin lifts him up. Look at how Malcolm gently leans into the touch. It breaks my heart. After 20 years Malcolm is still comforted by physical contact with his father. :(
38:37 - “Put your hands on me again Dr. Whitly, and I’ll blow your head off.” OH HELL YES. Dani is my hero. Iconic. Also - anyone else notice that Dani is chewing gum in this scene (I don’t think she’s chewed gum on camera since the pilot?) it makes her look like so much more of a badass in this scene.
38:55 - Oh look. The rest of the backup finally showed up. Where were these assholes 5 minutes ago when DANI WAS ALONE? AND WHERE IS GIL?!?!
39:00 - Malcolm thanking Dani is so so precious. And the fact that he’s clearly struggling to breathe and stay conscious is giving me life. ALSO Dani saying, “YOU’re welcome.”?!? *chef’s kiss* :) :) <3
39:30 - So Malcolm definitely knows that Martin almost left him to die so that Martin could escape.
39:33 - ......Ainsley is currently living with Jessica. Why is Ainsley not at the family dinner? We literally see her in the house in like 30 seconds.
39:35 - Malcolm in a polo shirt. Malcolm in a polo shirt. Why is it so attractive?!? He looks like a baby cinnamon roll? <3
39:51 - WHO THE EFF LET AINSLEY INTO THE MURDER BASEMENT?!? WHY AM I EXPECTED TO BELIEVE THAT JESSICA DIDN’T RE-SEAL IT AFTER WATKINS?!?!
40:15 - Jessica desperately tearing apart the living room is heartbreaking. :(
40:29 - Question: Did Jessica send her staff home before she tore apart the living room? Because I can just imagine two of them staring into the living room from the hall like, “She’s finally snapped. Should we call someone?”
41:00 - Jessica is the queen of drama. HOLY SHIT. This reveal was so extra and so perfect.
41:13 - “I killed him.” “You’re lying.” I love this interaction between Jessica and Malcolm. Malcolm has spent his whole life trying to convince people that he’s not a murderer. To protect Ainsley, his baby sister, he will say the words “I killed him”. Even though that is literally killing a part of Malcolm. Jessica knows it. I love that Jessica can see that Malcolm is lying. She’s not trying to convince herself that he’s innocent. She literally just accused him of murder. She’s scared. Because Malcolm just admitted to killing someone - his biggest fear - and it was a lie.
41:35 - Watching Bellamy Young’s facial expression as Jessica realizes that Ainsley killed Endicott is a thing of beauty. This woman needs an Emmy too. HELL, CAN WE GIVE THIS WHOLE EPISODE AN EMMY?!?!
42:00 - Poor Jessica. The guilt she must feel. She’s always thought that Malcolm was the one at risk of being a murderer. He’s a boy (they’re statistically more prone to violence than girls), he was older than Ainsley, he remembers terrible things, Malcolm had continued exposure to Martin throughout his childhood (Ainsley didn’t - I think?). But the child she neglected, the child she thought was safe, the child she thought remained free of Martin’s evil killed someone. It’s a plot-twist that just ripped Jessica’s heart into a million pieces.
42:30 - Yep. I promise you Malcolm has been psychoanalyzing Ainsley’s past behaviours since the moment she killed Endicott. He’s found traits common to serial killers and he’s terrified that she’ll become one if she remembers what it felt like to kill Endicott. He’s probably kicking himself for not noticing sooner. He’s probably questioning his ability as a profiler and as a big brother. AND the fact that MALCOLM has to protect Jessica AND Ainsley is heartbreaking. It’s way too big a burden. No wonder Malcolm’s mental health is on a downward spiral.
42:33 - This is the moment Jessica begins grieving for Ainsley. The fear, disbelief, and horror on her face. It’s torture that I can only describe as someone telling a mother that her daughter is dead. Because Ainsley is dead. The person Jessica believed Ainsley was - that little girl is dead. Because Jess just found out the truth.
42:55 - Jessica is now terrified of her own daughter. That is maybe the most upsetting thing this show has given us.
43:00 - I saw an interesting theory about how Ainsley is regressing back to her childhood (crawling into bed with Mom, moving back in with Mom) and I must say - that would be a really interesting way for this story to go. Ainsley regressing to a child-like state as she is convicted of murder. As a result she ends up in the women’s ward of Claremont because she can plead insanity.
This episode was amazing. Seriously, one of the best Prodigal Son episodes to date. Definitely the best of season 2 so far. If you’ve read this far - thanks for hanging out.
#jess-rewatches-prodigal#malcolm bright#prodigal son#gil arroyo#dani powell#JT Tarmel#ainsley whitly#martin whitly#edrisa tanaka#jessica whitly#I LOVE this show#whump#rewatch#spoliers#malcolm needs a hug#ps#so good#S2#E4#2x04#2x4#take your father to work day
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where do you find the time and energy to not only start and complete TD but then immediately afterwards have another different au multi chapter ready to go with supplemental material? I write 5k a week and I'm exhausted doing just that and need another week to recover.
okay it’s time for Let’s Get Real with Macy 💛 aka the brutal honesty hour nobody asked for 😭
[cw: hypomania/bipolar depression]
while writing TD, i was very hypomanic. even though i didn’t receive my official bipolar diagnosis until last month, i’ve been dealing with it for my entire adult life. prior to my diagnosis, i was incorrectly diagnosed with ADHD (which has since been “reversed” so to speak) and was put on a stimulant to help with my executive dysfunction/inattentiveness (i was also still in school at this point which was the main reason for the meds). well, unbeknownst to me at the time, adderall can trigger manic + hypomanic episodes. who’d’a thunk it? so for the majority of TD, i was unreasonably productive and put out long ass chapters every two weeks because all i did was work + write while sleeping maybe 3 hours a night (i dropped out of school right before i started TD but that’s a whole other story). i got off the meds in July and lost all my motivation, which is why it took so long for chapters 8 & 9 to come out. i had to re-learn how to get myself to do shit, and to be honest, i’m still struggling with that. motivation doesn’t come easily to me and never has, but i’m also not currently medicated (i will be soon, hopefully) and in a bit of a uhhhhhhh Sad Place for the time being. i can only motivate myself to do shit i already want to do, which is hard when you can’t always choose what that is.
now mental health shit aside, i started working on TLO in march. which mean it’s been in development for almost six months. which is a LONG time for me to gather photos, make playlists, make edits, watch movies, compile lists, etc. films + television have been my main source of happiness, entertainment, & joy for the bulk of my life, so engaging with media is something i always enjoy. for a long time i tried to write stories about shit i didn’t actually care that much about, but when i started writing stories about the shit i love (music with TD, film with TLO) and finding a way to make it work for the characters, writing didn’t feel so much like work anymore. instead it felt like an escape. escapism is my primary coping mechanism (don’t worry my therapist approves lmao) and when i write, it feels like i’m escaping into another world. and i ONLY feel like that when i write about shit i care about. so that’s my best advice. write about shit you know and love, or write the shit YOU’D want to read or watch. that’s my biggest thing - if i wouldn’t wanna read it, i don’t wanna write it.
i think the most important thing to remember is that everyone has different abilities, circumstances, and motivations. i’m a hypocrite for saying this but please try not to compare yourself to anyone else when it comes to writing. i’m currently unemployed (my new jobs starts at the end of the month) and i literally don’t do anything because i’m terrified of covid and never leave my house (yes i’m vaccinated but i’m also immunocompromised + have a history of respiratory problems so i avoid the outside world like the plague, pun intended). so i probably have a lot more free time right now than most people. i don’t have many other hobbies, very few in-person friends because i moved to a new city right before the pandemic, and my wife works nights, so i write while they sleep. my life is very conducive to a productive writing schedule right now, but that hasn’t always been (nor will it always be) the case.
i wish i had better advice, or a better explanation, but i’m honestly just as confused about all of this as anyone else 🥺 but i’m always here to talk, or offer what little advice i do have, or be there to bounce ideas off of. writing is fucking hard and exhausting and beyond draining, but i think the payoff has always been worth it, and that’s what keeps me going 💛
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Hesitate
You’re going through a depressive episode, but your boyfriend Sebastian is going to help you as much as he can. Title inspiration: Hesitate by the Jonas Brothers
Pairing: Sebastian Stan x female reader
Warnings: Depression, suicidal thoughts, small mention of self-harm. Please do not read if this triggers you!
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Sebastian wrestled his key into the door of your apartment, growing even more frustrated by the second when he couldn’t get it to turn. Finally he heard it click and your door opened. He grabbed the key out of the door and placed the set of them on the hook you kept by the door. He didn’t quite know what to expect when he opened your door, but he hated what he saw.
You lived in a small studio, even though you stayed at his house most of the time. He’d gone out of town and you’d gone radio silent, which was completely unusual for you - normally you were sending him funny memes, asking him how his day was, or FaceTiming him with your smiley face. But while he was checking back in his apartment in New York for the weekend, you’d stopped. And he knew it couldn’t be a good sign. Over the time he’d known you, he knew you struggled with depression and he understood it because he did, too. But he’d never been with you through a manic episode, at least not one like this. He didn’t know what to expect, but this definitely wasn’t it.
Your kitchen was wrecked, even though you clearly hadn’t used it in a long time. Dishes and trash were piled in the sink and on the counter, making the kitchenette look even smaller. One of the chairs was toppled over, probably something you’d done out of frustration because your bag and its contents were scattered across the floor, too. You hadn’t tried to do your laundry and the hamper was beyond full. Your TV was on and had been playing for a long time, he assumed, because the remote was across the room on the media stand. The couch was a mess, too. You were a lump in bed, curled up so small that he didn’t even see you at first.
“Babe?” He asked. You finally opened your eyes, wiping the little yellow-green pieces of crust out of them, and turned over your sore body when you heard his voice. You tried to sit up, but you didn’t feel strong enough, so you didn’t.
“Hey, I thought...” Your head suddenly throbbed and you shut your eyes, taking a second to think about what you wanted to say. “I thought you weren’t coming back ‘till Thursday?”
“Sweetheart, it is Thursday,” he muttered. “Have you... been here since the weekend?” Your heart started pounding, right away. You started sweating, your stomach churning. You felt sick.
“What? No, it’s...” Your voice trailed off. He had to be playing a trick on you or something. There was no way it was Thursday. The two of you had gone out for brunch, and then you’d dropped him at the airport, and he said he would see you on Thursday night when he got home. You swirled around, grabbing your phone, only to find that it was dead. Sebastian walked closer to you, taking his shoes off, and he got on the other side of the bed.
“Have you been here all weekend?” He asked again. “Baby, do you feel okay?” He put a hand to your forehead, trying to figure out why you’d been in bed all this time. Part of him knew it had to be the depression, but he’d never seen you this bad. He’d never seen anyone this bad before. You started crying as soon as he shook his head, clicking his tongue to say you didn’t have a fever.
“I’ve literally missed a week of work, I’m gonna get fired, I’m gonna lose my job and then the apartment and then...” Sebastian put his hands under your legs and your back and pulled you into his lap as you burst into tears.
“Shh, shh,” he tried to calm you down. “It’s okay.”
“No! I’ve missed a whole week of work because I was too depressed to get out of bed. I just ruined... You probably think I’m crazy now. I ruined everything.”
“No, sweetheart, you didn’t ruin anything,” he said softly. “But I want you to be honest with me. Did you know you were in bed all this time?”
“No.”
“Have you been eating at all? Or showering?”
“I... I guess not.”
“You haven’t even been to the bathroom?”
“I don’t remember the last time. I kind of have to.” Sebastian sighed and hugged you, tightly, listening to you cry for a minute. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. Let’s just get you cleaned up and we’ll figure all this out, alright? I’ll call your boss,” he said as he started to rub your back up and down. “I’ll call your boss right now and talk to her. And then I’ll make you some of that pasta you like. And then I’ll help you clean this place up, okay? I’m staying here tonight.” You listened to his plan and were only able to nod in response. You sniffled a little, but the first bit of crying was over. He told you to get up so you did, and you gave him your computer password to find your boss’s number. You nearly cried again when you saw all of the missed messages and emails, but you didn’t have time to deal with it.
You entered the bathroom just as you heard Sebastian start calling your boss. You must have been in bed all of that time because your dirty clothes were the same they’d been because you always did your laundry on Saturdays. You started the shower, even though you felt like you might either throw up or faint or maybe both. You were shaking as you reached for your face wash, noticing that you’d started developing acne. The mirror you kept in the shower showed bloodshot eyes, puffs underneath them, skin that was suffering from not being taken care of. How could you let things get this bad, you thought. How could you possibly let yourself do this?
Just as you were about to pump some onto your hand, the door opened. Sebastian.
“Mind if I join you? I need to shower the airport off,” he said. You nodded, opening the curtain. His eyes checked you up and down, able to tell that you’d lost a little weight from not eating. And then you were ashamed again, backing into the corner of the shower as he took off his clothes. Normally when he came back you jumped at the chance to do things with him, but now you just wanted to hide. You were sure he was ashamed of you, he had to be. Right?
“Don’t hide. It’s okay. Let me get you,” he insisted. He got underneath the stream of water and pulled you into a tight hug. The water was just hot enough as it beat against your back. You wrapped your arms around his waist, burying your face in his chest. He gave you a kiss on the forehead before taking the face wash from you. His fingers were incredibly gentle as they rubbed over your cheeks and your forehead, then let the milky white cleanser fall off your face. He continued to help you with your hair routine, then let you wash yourself as he washed his hair. The two of you showered together often, and this was no different.
“Am I fired?” You asked eventually, just as Sebastian was about to shut off the water. He shook his head, wringing out a little of the hair he’d been growing out for another role.
“No. Your boss said she just wants you to call her when you get the chance. I talked to your mom, too, and she said...”
“No.” You already knew what he was going to say, and you hated the idea. “No, don’t.”
“You don’t know what I’m going to say.” He shut the water off and started wrapping a towel around your body for you. You noticed him looking at your arms as he did so, and you jerked yourself away from him like an angry child.
“Yes, I do. You’re going to say that you’re afraid I’m going to hurt myself or kill myself and you don’t want me around and...” You could feel yourself beginning to lose control. You were suddenly angry, so angry that you wanted to push him and scream, but you didn’t. There was a burst of energy in you, for the first time in days, and a fire that burned in your chest and threatened to come alive. Sebastian knew what was happening because he just let you go. You walked into the other room and started pulling a t-shirt on, trying to forget about everything you were feeling. You put on a pair of shorts and then you couldn’t contain it anymore - you sat down on your bed and started crying, for real this time.
“You want me to come cuddle with you?” Sebastian asked. “If you wanna do this alone it’s okay.” You shook your head, looking up at him. He had tears in his eyes. You knew you were hurting him by pushing him away and then pulling him back, and you hated hurting him. But you couldn’t help but wonder if that was all you were doing.
“You don’t want me anymore,” you concluded out loud. He looked confused. “You’re gonna tell me that you’re worried about me but you can't deal with me because I’m too much and I need constant reassurance and I need... And I’m jealous, and I’m everything you don’t want, and...” Your voice was lost in a sob. Your heart was starting to hurt so badly and you didn’t know if it was because of everything you’d gone through or if it was the thought of losing the person you trusted the most in the world.
“Baby, I want you,” he said softly. “I wasn’t gonna say any of that. I promise. Just come here.” You let him take a seat next to you and pull you into him. He let you cry for what felt like hours before you were finally done. You had a headache. Your nose was stuffed up. Your eyes stung from the way you rubbed at them when you were upset. It wasn’t a pretty kind of cry. But you were done crying, finally. Sebastian moved you onto his lap, sitting back in the bed, letting you lay there for a few minutes. You took in the sound of his heart beating, the gentle throbbing of it in his chest as it rose up and down. You took in the way that he was rubbing your back, shushing you in a calm voice.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize to me. Stop apologizing to me. I was going to tell you that your mom and I are worried about you. And that we both thought it might be a good idea if you go back to see your therapist. And, if you want, we can try and get you on some medication to make you feel a little better. Maybe give you some more energy to get through the day. I want you to come stay with me for a while so I can watch you. But I need you to be honest with me right now, baby.”
“About what?” You sniffled.
“Have you ever thought about hurting yourself at all?”
“I’ve thought about it. But I don’t... I’m scared to. So I won’t.” He nodded. It wasn’t the answer he wanted to hear, it was an answer nobody wanted to hear, but it was the best thing you could’ve said to him in that moment.
“Good. That’s so good. How about I start making you something to eat? And you can start cleaning up a little bit. If you’re up to it we’ll go back to my place. If not we’ll go in the morning.” You sniffled and nodded, trying to find the energy to get up. He kissed your temple two or three times, muttering that he loved you.
Eventually you got up and started changing your sheets. You started folding your clothes, picking up the stool that had fallen, and organized your desk. You cleaned your toilet and the shower, then the kitchen. Around the same time, Sebastian had finished making food for you. You didn’t even realize how hungry you were until you ate all of it.
You helped Sebastian clean up the dishes and then you were packing a bag to go stay at his house. You finally flipped the light off in your apartment and gave Sebastian your car keys so he could drive. He had been so concerned that he came straight from the airport - he hadn’t even gone home to change clothes or anything.
“You know I love you, right?” He asked as he stopped at a light. His right hand snaked over to you, grabbing onto the inside of your thigh, his thumb rubbing against the skin you’d just put lotion on before leaving.
“I want to believe you do, but it’s hard,” you muttered in complete honesty. “I feel so un-lovable like this.” You sniffled, not wanting to get into another pity parade but still wanting to be honest with him.
“I know you do. But I love you. I love you and we’re gonna get through this, okay? Together. I’ll do whatever you need me to do, sweetheart, I swear. I just want to help you get better.” You leaned against his arm, shutting your eyes. Eventually you heard him pull into his garage and you got out, bringing your bags inside.
“I guess I should probably try to work some,” you thought out loud, realizing how much work must be sitting in your email inbox. You were only doing office administration stuff, but it could still pile up while you weren’t working.
“Yeah? I need to get some sleep. How about you try to get a little work done and then come and join me. We’ll go for a long walk tomorrow morning, and then we can go get coffee at your favorite place?” You nodded. He walked into the kitchen and pulled out a fresh, chilled bottle of water, before walking back over to you.
“Thanks,” you said. He must have known you were thirsty from all of your crying.
“I want you to drink this whole thing before you come to bed, okay?” He instructed. “It’s not healthy that you’re this dehydrated.”
“Okay.”
“Good girl.” Your whole body tightened at hearing him say those words - normally he said them in another context, but right now it was what you needed. You were so lucky he knew that. You walked upstairs with him and went into his office while he went into the bedroom, starting to get through some of your work. You didn’t understand how you could be so tired after sleeping for almost a whole week, but you were.
You crawled into bed with him at 3:05 AM. You remembered that time because you looked at the clock on your phone, realizing that while you were gone earlier he’d changed the lock screen to a post-it note you always kept on your desk. One he’d written you. It said I love you, baby. X Your Seba. Your heart melted as you looked at it, putting it down on the nightstand. Then you got into bed beside him, worming your way into his arms.
“Seba?” You said. He was obviously awake because he wasn't snoring, and when you said his name he tightened his grip on you. “Thank you for taking care of me. I love you.”
“It’s my job, baby. I miss seeing you smile. I miss seeing how happy you are to see me when I get back. I miss hearing your voice. I miss you.”
“I missed you, too.”
“And I promise you. I won’t hesitate. Anything you need, I’ll give you.”
A/N: This was... a lot. And probably the most true to life thing I think I’ve written, at least in my experience with depression. If you’re going through the same thing, it gets better. Trust me. ❤️
Taglist: @an-adventureland, @ssebstann, @firstangeldragonranch, @winterreader-nowwriter, @eviemarvel
#sebastian stan x reader#sebastian stan x female reader#sebastian stan fluff#sebastian stan angst#sebastian stan imagine
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Of Moons, Millionares and Mothers Part 2: The Ballad of Duke Balloney or “I’m Flintheart Glomgold and I Always Will Be!” (Commission for WeirdKev27)
Hello all you happy people. I”m Jake, I review stuff and today continues my look at Ducktales season 2 story arcs, of Moons, Millionares and Mothers. And while this arc as a whole is paid for by WeirdKev27, due to the Arc’s length, 17 parts including 15 episodes and 6 comics (2 of which will be in the same review), this one’s special as he’s using his patreon review every month to do so. If you too want me to review something of your choice simply hit up my ask box or join my patreon at patreon.com/popculture buffet. You get access to my discord, to pick a short when I do a group of them for characters birthdays, help me hit neat stretch goals like my next which is reviewing a darkwing duck episode a month, and best of all EXCLUSIVE REVIEWS. And I just added one this saturday of a carl barks story centerting around wigs, legal battles and attempted murder, both by our villian.. and by our heroes...
I will never get tired of that panel nor the boys inexplicably finding a blowgun. Point is it’s there if you want it at THIS LINK, but enough plugging so I can help pay the streaming bills and keep doing this... let’s get to the meat of things shall we?
This episode begins the second arc of this retrospective, The Glomgold Arc. And this arc was inevitibly going to come to this blog for two reasons. The first is that I have made no secret, in fact i’ve shouted it as loud as I can the neighbors are concerned, that I fucking love the 2017 Version of Flintheart Glomgold.
Glomgold is Keith Ferguson’s best role, tied with Lord Hater obviously, but it is indeed a tie. No one but Keith could’ve pulled off glomgold’s combination of ego, ham, and batshit insanity. He just makes the utterly stupid and wonderfully ludicrious things that come out of the mans mouth sound so damn natural with such an unearned confidence. It’s very clear that Frank had Keith in mind when putting this version of everyone’s faviorite South African Billionare pretending to be a Scottish Billionare and wisely built the characcter around him and his immense talent. I was not familiar with Keith at all, wasn’t even aware he voiced hater before this show but damn if that hasn’t fully changed.
Glomgold was also just in general a brilliant update of the character: While I know a lot of duck fans weren’t happy with this version at least at first. As the action figure sitting on my shelf that once road in a car with my david hasslehoff baywatch funko pop I have entirley due to my love of baywatching, this insane music video hoff did in the early 2000′s, and just in general how gloriously rediculous the man’s life is when you stop and think about it for a second from a pay per-view concert that ended up falling on the same night as The OJ Chase, to his kung fury cameo , to his weird insetence they never had sex on baywatch desspite mounds of video evdience and the fact the show was buit around the bulk of it’s cast’s sex appeal, to the fact the model of his pecs used for the spongebob movie was sold in an auction and on and on... I was going somewhere with this...
Oh right as the action figure, and previous praise, shows I am not one of these fans: The original isn’t bad, in fact one of my faviorite life and times chapters that i’ll be covering this week and talking about later in the review has him as the main antagonist and a pitvitol figure in Scrooge’s life in the worst way possible. Rosa GETS what’s needed for Flinty to feel specail: to have him be an evil mirror to scrooge, what he could’ve been had he kept down the path he started down in Africa. A ruthless, amoral asshole who will do ANYTHING to get rich.
It’s just often that isn’t emphasised enough and he’s instead just another one of the millions of generic assholes trying to get scrooges money sometimes with hired goons...
Not only that but Frank really COULDN’T have him at full effectivness. See an arch enemy in the Silver Age, which STARTED the same year Glomgold Debuted no less, wasn’t a big deal. They were still considered your deadliest foe but they’d often, much like Flinty be shuffled into the rogues gallery, show up for an issue to meance the hero, then either escape, get thrown in jail only to escape from that easily later, or be presumed dead. The last one I bring up because it happened to Magneto a LOTTTT pre-claremont. For Fuck’s Sake Charles have those teenagers train to look for a body once in a while!
Original Flinty was built for that, and brilliantly so as Barks had a talent for it , as seen by the fact The Beagle BOys, Flintheart and Magica have stuck around ever since and even in comics overseas where Flintehart is replaced.. it’s by Rockerduck who Barks ALSO created. The 87 Show followed the same formula, which was just as standard for 80′s cartoons. It’s why Megatron took until his toy was canceled the movie to shoot starscream in the face.
The problem is villians evolved and the expecation became more that a true arch enemy had to be a true threat. While Frank and Matt COULD’VE made Flintheart a real and honest threat, he also would’ve had to make him a Big Bad. The probelm was those seats were clearly taken: while i’m pretty sure some ideas came as they went, the main story beats were clearly planned out well in advance: Webby being a clone was always the plan, as was FOWL, Darkwing being a fan of a fictional Darkwing who became the real thing, and Della being on the moon. So he presumibly carefully choose each season’s big bad... and thus Season’s 1-3 would be full up wise. Season 1 had Magica, who he made into a TRUE threat, yet left the door open for her to return as she did, Season 2 had Lunaris who even if they hadn’t fully thought him up, they probably had thought up the moonvasion, and Season 3 was what they’d built the series towards with FOWL.
Details probably changed, it’s very clear to me they were likely going to have all three buzzards be important and ended up deicding to pivot to it just being Bradford over time. But given how well they though tout the general framework, I highly doubt Flinty was ever considered as a seirous big bad.. and I know i’m saying this in an arc that tried to set him up as one, but i’m getting there simmer.
So they could wait for a season 4 that might not happen.. or make him a recurring villian. So Frank and Matt decided to do that and leaned into comedy. Centering him around keith who Frank worked with previously on Wonder and thus knew he could play a hammy manchild like no one else, they simply leaned into the goofier aspects of his personality. His being similar to scrooge became him being an intentional and blatant knockoff. As Scrooge himself perfectly summed up in episode 1
“The poor man’s version of me.. which to be fair still makes him insanely rich”.
It’s another reason to really love this version as while yes, they did make him a bafoon.. he’s a wonderfully, redicuously layered bafoon: He still contrasts scrooge perfectly, manically hammy to Scrooge being calm, especially around flinty, blantatly crooked to Scrooge’s died in wool honesty, and wasting money on revenge instead of spending it on his actual company. There’s more obviously but some i’m saving for the review.
Not only that but his insane schemery has a rhyme and reason to it: He attacks Scrooge every week like the saturday morning cartoon villian he is, but his schemes are always unwieldly and massively stupid, and he always goes with the first draft. It’s something the team enforced: the first version is what they role with because that’s how his sad brain works. He also is obssed with sharks and explosives, the former being given a suprisingly heartfelt and unsuprisingly insanne origin story towards the series end, and works them into every plot no matter how much itm akes no sense. He’s pure ego, pure stupid and pure fun.
So yeah circling back to him being the big bad, I felt he was made one for this season for two reasons: the first is while a lot of fans (raises hand) enjoyed this version, some didn’t like how inept he was, so this would give them a breif bit of Flintheart being a genuine threat again. The other was frankly... they didn’t want to play their hand. Lunaris WAS the big bad... but fans would get supscious if there was seemingly no true threat on the horizon. Magica popped up in episode 4. We didn’t know her full plan yet true, but all we needed was lena SAYING HER NAME and fans of any other version of teh Disney Ducks would instantly go “Oh shit there she is”. So fans would now have the expectation of a main antagonist.. but would be instantly supscious of Lunaris and Penumbra if there wasn’t one for the first third of a season it took to them, and it’d leave a gap in the story to not have someone driving the plot on earth.
So Flinty got an upgrade.. a slight one and we’ll talk about the eb and flow. And thus he got a proper origin. Now granted they could’ve planned this too, but this one’s harder to tell as the curse you me gag could’ve been a clever setup or could’ve just been a one off gag they somehow turned into an entire episode. So Flinty got an arc.. and a comedic foil, the other reason this was inevieble, and Kev’s faviorite character, Zan Owlson. So how did it work out for them? Well we’ll begin that journey under the cut.
We begin our story a few months ago.... on every level really: the months ago shadow war aired when this episode originally good, the months ago I reviwed Shadow War (which via counting I found out was my 200th episode not counting Patreon. Nice), and most importantly for this story, the four months ago before the present day of Season 2.
Glomgold saying curse you me as he fell into the bay during the Shadow War.... only for once in his life he dosen’t somehow get out of it unscathed and instead passes out, almost drowning. He’s found by Fisher and Mann, two fisherpersons... Mann is specific about that due to being a woman despite the obvious irony. It’s a good gag. Flinty acts like he normally would.. hostile, demanding that they know who he is.. and while they don’t.. neither does he.
Cue credits and cue present day. Via a newscast with Roxanne we learn what I mentioned earlier: It’s been four month and Glomgold’s been missing. The general mood.. has been about what you’d expect.
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Yeah Roxanne turned on him real fast. I genuinely wouldn’t be surprised if it was because he later openly bragged about stealing scrooge’s money during the shark thing on live tv at some point, making Roxanne look terrible for enabling him and for blatantly supporting him earlier. I mean.. how else do you get a corrupt journalist to do anything decent.
But with Glomgold gone SOMEONE’S gotta replace him.. and that someone is Zan Motherfucking Owlson. Top of her class at Mouseton Univesity, Owlson is the show once again updating things: previously they added Mark Beaks to the Rogue’s Gallery as he contrasts the 50′s (scrooge ) and 80′s (glomgold) idea of billionares from previous versions of the property being a modern tech weasel. Though instead of just one thing Owlson represents a few: The most obvious is she’s a woman of color: Having a black woman in such a high position of power is something disney would’ve outright vetoed in the 50′s and 80′s. Here it’s well accepted as it always should have been. It also feels like a delebrate move on Frank’s part: There weren't’ any major african or african american coded characters in season 1, despite the show being very open and accepting, so that needed to change. The other is frankly outside of Brigtaa MacBridge, whose also weirdly absent from this series for some reason and has taken Fethry and Rockerduck’s place as the most major overseas duck character to never get adapted, there are hardly ever any females on Scrooge and his richer foes level. He’s had the occasional female rival or suitor, but only Brigittta had staying power and while I love the idea of her, another person as rich as scrooge whose willing to spend more and has a crush on him, she badly needed an update as she’s essentially Adventure Era Amy Rose in a grown ass woman’s body.
Owlson also provides a diffrent dynamic in that she portrays the ideal of what we’d want from a ceo: She’s honest, works hard, earned her way as square as scrooge did, gladly donates to charity and is extremely charismatic and intelligent. Granted most CEO”s are nothing like this but still, she’s what we WANT them to be. Using the money not for themselves or taking big paychecks but to help people. She also provides something Glomgold needed: a straight man. While he has one in Scrooge at times, Owlson unlike both of them is a fully functional resonable human being. Scrooge, while a good person deep down, can be reckless, impulsive and greedy, and Glomgold had a tarzan like experince with sharks, goes on to name his dummy son sharkbomb, and tried to murder Scrooge on live television twice that we know of. She’s the calm, snarky, put upon sane person trying to reign in the crazy shark explosion man.
Owlson dosen’t get a ton to do here, but that will change and she does get a decent amout in the final scene. But what she does here establishes who she is and how sh’es FIXED Glomgold industries; She’s shut down the vast number of money sinking scheme related departments, set ups everal charities, and is even setting up a new one with Scrooge, Dimes for Ducklings. In short she knew exactly what was needed to fix the company and it’s image and did so in FOUR MONTHS. Probably even less given they had to be sure Glomgold wasn’t coming back right away. I guarantee he’s faked his death like 10 times just to try and kill scrooge. They have to make sure it’s real first.
As one last note before we move on, Owlson is played by Natasha Rothwell, a producer and writer who i’ve only seen outside of this in Love, Simon and Sonic the Hedgehog.. that is a weird combo of things that mean a LOT to me I haven’t been able to bring up here again.
We find the tv this was all playing on on the docks with a non-anthro segull pecking it while a bunch of fisherpersons go about their day. We also get this guy.
Add him to the list of spinoffs I want
THE LIST OF SPINOFFS JAKE WANTS:
1. Darkwing Duck
2. Donald, Daisy and the Kids
3. The Sabrewings
4. Tailspin Reboot
5. The Flintheart Glomgold Show
6. A Sequel Movie
7. This Guy Punching A Fucking Fish
So you might be wondering when any of our main cast are going to show up.. and why the fish puncher isn’t in said main cast. Well that’s about now as Webby and Louie are fishing. Well okay more acuratley webby is fishing because she genuinely enjoys it and Louie is tagging along so he can nap on a boat while Webby paddles him around. That plan is threatnned by her spear fishing and he suggests using rods instead, but they need bait for that.
Naturally, given we need to get this plot going our heroes run into Duke Baloney, aka an amnesiac Glomgold. Understandably, both of htem think this is some sort of scheme at first because waiting for someone related to Scrooge to stroll by his fish stand for some sort of shark themed trap, especially since he’s right near the water so he dosen’t have to worry about keeping them hydrated like that time he dropped one from a plane onto scrooge’s board meeting with two chainsaws strapped to it. But .. it’s not. While we the audience saw him amnesiac, and at first I thought that spoiled the episode... it really dosen’t. He still ACTS like himself on instinct, so your not sure if he faked it as part of some elaborate scheme or is really gone till this scene shows that, no he really isn’t there. And the how is simply in knowing the guy: Glomgold is not good at subtley. He has disguises and such, but their never remotely convincing. He could NEVER pull off actually being a humble fish monger nor have gone four fucking months without yelling at scrooge or remotely contacting him. There’s also the fact Fisher and Mann 100% belivie in duke and back up his very real story of being dredged out of the bay. There’s also his south african accent, which actors including David Tennant himself have admitted is one of the hardest to pull off but Keith does swimingly, which is a hint.. but only on rewatch or for those who know his comics origins.
Louie isn’t convinced which is fair: even if Glomgold isn’t good at this sort of thing, he’s still tried it a lot. Webby however correctly figures he has amensia. So the two simply try talking to him. Fisher and Mann do get a bit dickish laughing off the idea he’s possibly Glomgold.. despite the fact you know you dredged him out of the fucking water 4 months ago.. and if you actually looked at the news, would see Glomgold disappeared around the exact same time you found Duke. It just annoys me because otherwise these two are great characters: Friendly loveable fisherpersons who love their job, have no comeptiviness and genuinely want to help their friend duke. The encounter does have them seeing a fancy money clip Duke has but with no other options they leave for now.
But while Duke has forgotten who he was... bits of glomgold still stir within him. And that starts when Duke spots the McDuck Industries fishing boat, the best fishing boat on the sea, something his friends are okay with.. but Duke naturally isn’t. So while Duke was a calm sane fisherman before the true glomgold in him is on full display as he comes up with insane schemes involving fish and explosives, before presenting a rather insane scheme to his friends involving getting engineering degrees and other stuff.. it’s as poorly drawn and wonderful as you expect from him. But what’s telling is that he reigns it in when his friends show obvious concern with his actions... something Glomgold would NEVER do. For one he dosen’t have friends. For another, he doesn’t care about anyone else’s feelings or thoughts.
By now Webby is also championing that Duke is a diffrente person.. which is true. Duke is Glomgold stripped of his hate and resitment towards scrooge.
He’s who the man COULD’VE been had he not sworn eternal vengeance on Scrooge. Louie is doubtful that he’s amnesiac still.. but neither can quite figure out the full story so it’s time for research.. and for Webby to accidentally knock Louie into some lobster traps.. which given he’s spent the entire episode assuming an amnesiac man isn’t that despite all the evidence to the contrary, he earned that.
That said these two were the perfect choice for it: All of the boys have a bit of skeptic in them, and we already had a plot with Huey being skeptical.. and even he would’ve given up by now as would dewey since he only has a pinch at best. Webby.. has none. She can question motives and stuff sure, but at her heart she’s a kind forgiving soul who belives the best in everyone. And.. its’ paid off fo rher. Look at the whole Lena situation, she believed in her, even while Lena was actively manipulating her,.. and it truly changed her, convinced Lena to do the right thing despite the cost, to choose love over the abusive monster who made her. It’s the only missed opportunity in the episode for me. Character wise it has exactly the 8 it needs to tell the story and focuses heavly on the five it truly is about. But not having Webby bring up Lena when we don’t hear her mentoined AT ALL during her absence (though to the shows credit they did a good job showing Webby still had never remotely given up), and it made the wait more agonizing and would’ve made her motivations hit even harder: that she belives in duke because she believed in lena and it was real. And while this thank christ isn’t remotely romantic, the point does stand: She wants to see the best.
Louie is a conman by nature so he only sees the worst, the weakest in people, the things he can use to take htem down or take hteir money. He can’t fathom someone doing good because he can’t fathom HIMSELF being good. And that.. says a lot.. but he’s accepted himself as a shady conperson who cares only for himself.. even if that’s not the truth. His inclusion here enhances his own arc much like Huey’s role in quack pack enhanced his. It shows that deep down Louie dosen’t think much of anyone.. and probably not himself. That he has to be shady and greedy to survive when that’s not tru. Sharper than the sharpies yes but also square.
One last bit before we moved on I just found out though: The Crew originally had this as a straight up origin story: no kids, none of the rest of the duck family, except presumably Scrooge’s parts here, just Glomgold’s struggle with amensia and his past leading to who hei s now. Honestly I think that version could’ve worked, but likely given disney seems TERRIFIED of making a show starring an adult without a chlid and had to be talked into the child light Golden Lagoon, that was a non starter but I think it still works fine. I also foudn this out via a twitter thread of Frank’s rewriting history that goes in deep on teh production of each episode. Had I known this existed before writing this one, I would’ve used it for the other two arcs and most dangerous game night, but I intend to read through it so I have everything on the table from here on out.
For only the second time in her long career of researching stuff though, Webby has hit a dead end. Mostly because she couldn’t find anything on Duke.. and NOTHING on Glomgold’s past pre-Duckburg. The most she has is his visa...
I want to frame this on my wall.. and someone is actually seling id cards out there, so I want this one at some point. It’s not Disney because they don’t care about fan merch like this, but then that just means they don’t get the money because they didn’t think of it or put the work in then huh.
But yeah with nothing else our heroes go to the only person they know who knows him well... Scrooge.
Meanwhile Duke has .. this... I just.....I can’t put words to this truly bizzare surreal dream sequence.. it involves Glomgold going insane, the kids dancing on a bagpipe, and owlson is there.. despite the fact that Glomgold should have zero idea whot hat is. I think the kids mentioned here but even then, he somehow knows exactly what she looks like.
Otherwise good stuff and it’s raining hard as Duke goes in. Fisher and Mann have formally added him to their sign, and warmly welcomed him in and Duke says “this is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me I think” which is probably true. and makes what’s coming all the more heartbreaking.
But before what’s coming Duke has another thing coming.. Scrooge who the kids brought to talk to him. The two talk casually, the kids watch not knowing.. and then Scrooge comes back to them. Turns out Webby was, unsurprisingly right on the money, Flinty does have amnesia, and unlike what Louie thought.. he isn’t inherently evil. Duke is just duke.. and Scrooge has no intention of fixing the amnesia. And while that SOUNDS bad.. his intentions are noble: Glomgold.. was a throughly miserable person. He was never happy and never would be till Scrooge was dead by his hand and that was never going to happen.
It isn’t even taking an enemy off the board: Flinty is only a threat on occasion. Scrooge clearly ENJOYS their conflict: it may annoy him from time to time, but he clearly enjoys upstaging the guy. And as he points out, it’s not a brain injury or anything: Glomgold is practically immortal as Louie put earlier, and Scrooge outright mentions Glomgold’s taken a LOT of explosions to the face. So he’s in no real danger physically or emotionally.. he’s happy. He has friends, a calling he truly enjoys. There’s another reason too but we’ll see that in the final scene.
So Duke is finally happy... but it doesn’t last... the kids go out but a storms a coming, and Duke selfleslly heads out to save them.. only to get hit on the head and fall in the ocean again.
It’s here we get the 2017 version of Glomgold’s origin story. We did kinda get one with life and times, as we saw his first meeting with scrooge and why he hated him, long story short with the long story coming later this week Glomgold left Scrooge for dead and Scrooge’s response was to come back, kick the fuckers ass, tar and feather him and utterly humilaite him, leading to Flinty swearing vengance.
But while I love that version..t his one is just as awesome if not better. And it’s without having Scrooge ride a lion. Here we instead meet Flinty as a child Scrooge’s age... and as a shoeshine boy. Yup just like Scrooge Duke, Glomgold’s birth name, was an industrious young boy with big dreams. He also had unwieldy schemes from minute one, but Scrooge saw in this lad the same fire he had and tried replicating his own origin.
The problem was... the different context ruined it. Scrooge was paid by an equally poor ditchdigger the us equilvent of his pay: still useless in scotland, but a good lesson in hard work and not being swindled. Scrooge tried that... as the richest duck in the world and without giving flinty the same amount of money.
So Duke/Flinty took umbrage at this yelled at scrooge.. and pick pocketed his money clip. In the only bit taken from the rosa version of their first meeting, Scrooge never realized he’d met flinty already. There and then duke came up with his first true, and first insane scheme: Save the money and use it to mold himself into a richer, more scottish version of scrooge dedicating his life to one upping him and killing him. A “single white female” type thing as Frank put it.
It’s.. utterly brilliant... taking Glomgold being a knockoff as mention and just running with that... making Glomgold a LITERAL knockoff. This was indeed the plan all along: A way to have him be both south african and scottish and it was brilliant. It also gives him more depth and more tragedy: He COULD’VE been the next scrooge.. but instead of being his own man or learning any of the hard lessons scrooge did he doubled down on never learning anything and getting vengeance on an old man’s well meant but accidently classist gesture.
So Glomgold reawakens and while it first looks like he’s going to save the kids... he instead throws Webby into the raging sea, and steals their fish. Webby is heartbroken and Louie asks him “what about duke.” His response is heartbreaking as it is character defnting
“I”m Flintheart Glomgold and I always will be!” the lightning shot, the cackle..i t’s just such a damn good moment that underscores the tragedy of the episode as Glomgold’s new friends are horrified by what he is now and what he was always meant to be and Glomgold leaves to go stalk scrooge once again. He indeed is Flintheart Glomgold and always will be.. because he threw the decent person he could’ve been away. He’s miserable.. because he can’t let go of his rage or ego and just move on from something that happened to him when he was ten! He has to be in his 60′s now! Glomgold may think Scrooge is his worst enemy.. but it’s really Flintheart Glomgold.... and it always will be.
So naturally his first actoin is to storm into his company and scream at scrooge. How he found him there... honestly not a huge suprise it’s his company and he likely knows how to find scrooge anywhere because he’s a creep like that. Scrooge and Owlson’s reactions are both worth a look at:
Given Glomgold bursts into an already annoying meeting of Scrooge trying to get the dimes part knocked down to nickles (and likely lower before that given he mentioned Pennies earlier), to accuse Scrooge of trying to trick him by appearing as a boat in his dreams her bafflement is both understandable and hilarious. Like she probably HEARD what Glomgold was like but gennuinely didn’t belivie it and her face is just now frozen in a look of “oh my god they were not exagearating what fresh hell is this”.
She tries to be professional and introduce herself but he just brushes her off and yells at Scrooge blaming him for being forgotten (”You literally forgot yourself), with Owlson also considering calling security. She only dosen’t because Scrooge points out he’ll tire himself out eventually and as usual for their jousts, is not remotely threatened or worried. He’s just..sad. And getting back to his reaction.. that’s what’s telling about his plan. He probably KNEW this would happen. He in his heart knew Duke Balloney would be gone soon, and he’d have to deal with Glomgold again. It helps soften the implicatoins: it wouldn’t last and fraknly if it did Scrooge would probably have people check on him regualry to make sure he was okay. He’s not a monster.. he just wanted Flinty to be happy for five minutes and to not ruin that out of some misplaced sense of right and wrong.. when the right thing was to simply let the man be happy till it inevitably blew up.
Glomgold however, furious at being forgotten and cast aside has decided to take a huge poorly thought through gamble and challenges scrooge to a classic Scrooge comics trope between the two, but with higher stakes: A contest to see who will be the richest duck in the world by the end of the year.. and given Christmas happens right after this i’m just assuming he means a year from now. Winner gets both companies and fortunes. Scrooge scoffs at this.. till Flinty pulls out the clip, taunting him with how he did it and “If I can beat you once scrooge i’ll beat you again”. And this, Flinty revealing he stole from him and he NEVER KNEW it or realize it, enrages scrooge enough to agree and to take him seriously... meanwhile Owlson.. just tries to get actual work shit done and just forges their signatures. Look she is a woman of color in the business world with genuinely good motives... she’s probably used to using white nonsense to get things past two idiots having a peeing race.
Final Thoughts:
This episode is truly excellent and like Most Dangerous Game Night! i’d forgottne just HOW good it was. The pacing, the comedy, and the character work is all on full blast and i’ve gushed plenty enough about how great an origin story is. it’s a character piece that explains why this doofus is the way he is and that is what holds him back.
Next time on MMM: Louie’s back as he pulls a ghostbusters to make quick money and Storkules starts rooming with Donald with predictable results.
If you liked this review consider joining my patreon and i’ll see you at the next rainbow.
#ducktales#flintheart glomgold#scrooge mcduck#the ballad of duke balloney#webby vanderquack#louie duck#fisher#mann#fishing#weblena#disney plus#disney xd#disney channel
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This is the first part of my fic for @geodax as part of the Star Wars Spring Fling swap @swspringfling ! I also posted it on my AO3 linked here!
TW: DEPRESSIVE EPISODE/MANIC DEPRESSION
No.
No. No. No!
Obi-Wan tried to fight against the fog that was quickly filling his head, slowly overtaking his motor functions.
But the redhead knew it was too late to stop it now, numbly feeling himself slump against the nearest bedroom wall as the heaviness flooded his limbs.
Not now… please.
Even the Force could not aid him, his futile pleas unheard by any gods. Obi-Wan knew he was due for an episode, but it couldn’t have come at a worse time. They were going to bring relief to those displaced by their last battle against the CIS. They had finally convinced the senate to pass this relief bill, he couldn’t slip now. They’d fought so hard…
He hadn’t had a depressive episode for at least a year, forcing it back with a spite that could only come from battling with bipolar depression from a too young age. But the buildup had resulted in an unstoppable force and now he had to deal with the fallout. It felt like the whole world was going to swallow him up alive, trapped in a box six feet under.
If his bedroom had a mirror in it, Obi-Wan knew that he’d see a slack expression on his own face and his legs folding underneath himself, unable to support the weight of his worries and fears. He wanted to scream and curse and jump up and down. He wanted to rage through his quarters. But he could do none of those things as he lost the will to do just about anything but stare at the ground in front of him, even small movements feeling like too much now.
No, no no no no…
Anakin.
He needed Anakin to pull him out while they still could. He needed… Anakin was at the Rotunda visiting Padme and probably also the chancellor. No help was coming for Obi-Wan.
He’d never been anyone’s first choice and he never would be. He was unwanted. Useless.
Feeling his thoughts slip, he realized it was too late. The numbness had settled in his limbs. Get up, get up, get up! I have to move. Please...
A low noise erupted from his throat as he wondered how long he’d be sitting here. It could be a week or it could be a month. It could be longer.
But… getting up just felt so useless now. He found he didn’t want to get up anyways. What was the point? Where was he going now anyways? Why would he want to leave the temple? He couldn’t remember anymore.
No matter what or where, he’d have to go fight in a futile war that he’d never wanted to fight in again somewhere or another. Some poor planet to be dragged into a turf war and ravaged in an unending battle that just seemed to escalate every time the Jedi engaged the enemy of the Republic.
Distantly the graying redhead realized he had curled into a ball on his side, and cold had spread up from the unforgiving durasteel floor into the right side of his body.
With every sighing exhale he felt on the verge of sobbing. It felt like his heart was beating out of his chest as a cacophony of wordless whispers assaulted his ears.
Useless
Shut up.
Unwanted
Shut up!
Weak
Shut up!
Useless weak unwanted useless weak
uselessweakunwanteduselessweakunwanteduselessweakunwanted
Helphelphelphelphelp
Numb tears were running a river over the bridge of his nose onto the floor and he was sure the Force around him was filled with his anxiety. He was a Master Jedi yet here he was projecting like a youngling, completely unable to bring up any sort of shielding.
It felt like no time at all as he watched the morning sun drain from his quarters into the darkness of a Coruscant night for three cycles as he laid curled on the ground. Everything was… useless.
Armored feet suddenly appeared in his line of sight, but the Jedi Master felt too tired to lift his head to see who it was. Crouching to his level, Obi-Wan saw it was Cody, his commander.
You'll never be more than a friend. He’ll never love you. How could he?
Unloveable
Cody couldn’t see him like this. He- He’d think him weak. He’d know he was weak.
Obi-Wan felt shame flood his being and a fresh wave of tears filled his eyes. He wanted to send him away but instead he was horrified as he just cried harder, his breaths hiccuping out of him.
“C-Cody,” he sobbed out, the first word he’d spoken aloud in theee days.
Leave me.
Stay.
Get out get out get out !
“Obi-Wan?” the clone commander croaked looking down at his general with shock on his countenance. He looked unsure as his gaze wandered the dark room. “Sir?”
He’s disgusted by you. You’re so karking weak !
Squeezing his eyes shut, Obi-Wan tried to take a deep breath. He distantly registered a hesitant hand coming out and petting his hair.
Oh, sweet Force that felt lovely
Sweet Cody.
You don’t deserve him. He won’t ever love you like you want him to.
“An-Ani,” Obi-Wan murmured. Dear Anakin would know what to do.
“General Skywalker, sir?”
Yes, Obi-Wan wanted to reply. But all he did was blink.
Somehow Cody seemed to understand as he slowly sat down and began speaking into his wrist comm.
“General Skywalker, sir? Something’s wrong…”
Obi-Wan felt any lucidity he’d gained leaving him as the other man spoke, hearing as one might floating in a Bacta tank. His tears had slowed as his shame had bubbled down to almost nothing under his numbness.
Help was coming. Anakin would help. Anakin would know what to do.
You’re a bad mentor. Bad bad bad bad.
Anakin deserves better and he knows it.
That’s why he hasn’t told you he’s married to Padmé. That’s why he goes to the chancellor to talk about his problems instead of you.
I’m sorry I’m not stronger. The ginger felt more tears flow down his cheeks.
Distantly he heard an affirmative answer and the ending chirp of a call. Cody lowered his face to enter his line of sight while taking Obi-Wan’s hands in his own.
“I’m going to move you to the couch now, sir,” Cody spoke softly as if speaking to a spooked tooka.
It took all of Obi-Wan’s effort to give a slight nod. He felt like screaming or crying again, but instead he felt himself being pulled over and led to the worn couch in the middle of the living room.
Bonelessly, Obi-Wan slumped down onto the arm of the couch where Cody had placed him, curling his legs up into his chest. He mentally flinched as the clone commander sent him a pitying stare and squeezed his hands.
Weak
“It’s… it’ll be alright, sir.”
Feeling trapped in his own brain, the ginger couldn’t help but disagree. Nothing would be alright. Nothing was ever alright.
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Talk to me - Tommy Shelby x reader - Chapter 15
Masterlist
Warning: blood, gore, lots of guns and shooting and all that stuff
Author note:
Hello guys. Again i’m so sorry for the looooong pause! But i’ve had an accident and injured my shoulder. So i’ve bacially written this chapter with one hand… So i’m sorry for all the typing errors in advance! I feel like i could do a lot better, but i’m also very tired all the time because of painkillers.
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Polly took care of the poor man’s family by your request. You said to Tommy that you wanted your salary to be giving to the man’s family but he insisted that you kept your money and he would give them a much larger sum from the company. He said that they would always provide for the family of a fallen Blinder.
You could feel the unease in the office after the episode. People weren’t as loud as they usually were and most of the men looked up when someone walked in the front door to the betting shop. Tommy was out much again and you hated that you just sat there in the office and did the paperwork. You wanted to be where he was and help with whatever he was doing out of the office all the time. You had asked what you could do, but he just told you to work like you always did and keep your head low. No shopping trips with Ada or outings with Lizzie. Besides that, Tommy seemed like he always did. He wasn’t any more panicking or was out half of the night like he was when you started to know him. He came faithfully home every night before you went to bed and would pull you in for a kiss or a hug as a greeting, always with a smile on his lips.
You couldn’t resist him when he was in a good mood and let him sweep you away but when you weren’t around him it started to get to you. It didn’t seem like he was doing much but at the same time, you didn’t know what he was doing all day. He had promised to include you more but at the same time he was so over protective that he didn’t want you to go out of the house when a potential killer was out there waiting for someone close to him and the Peaky Blinders.
“You are in.” You said softly as you walked into Tommy’s office some weeks later. Tommy was sitting bending over his desk with his head in some paperwork. His face didn’t give away what he was reading but he looked up when you came in with a tray with tea and biscuits. You knew John and Arthur would either be there or come in a little later, so you had cups for them as well.
“How did you know that I needed that right now?” He said and let an arm sneak around your hips as you sat the tray down next to him.
“You’ve been sitting in here the whole day. It’s not like you. So now that you aren’t out running to god knows where I thought you might want something sweet to get thought the rest of the day.” There were still a couple of hours left of work and you had thought this through so many times. Leaving your desk and drink tea with Tommy was a privilege you didn’t know if you had. Yes, you were with Tommy now but that didn’t mean that you could just abandon work when you wanted to. So you had worked extra fast to earn yourself some time off with Tommy. At least in your head you had and you hoped Tommy thought like that too.
“Something sweet, huh? Is it the biscuits or you we are talking about here?” He said with a wicked grin playing on his lips. He brought the teacup up to his lips to take a sip.
“I certainly hope we are talking about the biscuits, because it’s for Arthur and John too.” You said and Tommy almost chocked on his tea. You couldn’t help but laugh hysterically and pat him on the back till he could breathe properly again.
“How… how did you know they were coming too?” Tommy said when he was done coughing and adjusted his collar.
“You three are up to something without including me and you have been out with them every day since Chester was found dead outside Purnell’s. I knew they would come eventually.” You grabbed a cup from the tray and sat down on the opposite side of the desk with your legs crossed.
“Will you please stop referring to him as Chester and call him Mr. Lynch? You didn’t know who the man was before he…” Tommy growled but you interrupted him.
“I feel like I owe the man, Tommy. I made the deal with Lady Isabella so that Mick King started to act out more than usual. And if we look further back he actually said he wanted to stop killing YOUR men if he got to fuc…”
“Don’t fucking finish that sentence.” Tommy warned you and slammed the teacup down onto the saucer. The tea spilled on his papers and he growled when he tried to dry it off. You sighed and got up to get some towels from the kitchen. You met Arthur and John on the way out and they tipped their hats as if you were on your way out.
“I’m coming back in. Tommy just spilled his tea because of his bad temper.” You grumbled and they stopped and looked after you but you didn’t care. Tommy needed to do something and if you could hurry up the process somehow you didn’t care if you were behaving badly and you might shock people.
All three brothers were silent when you entered the office again. Tommy moved a little to the side for you so you could dry off the paper, but there wasn’t much use for it. You would just ruin the ink.
“I’ll take them to my desk and write them over tomorrow.” You explained and hurried out to put them on your desk.
“Shall I?” Lizzie asked as you were heading back to Tommy’s office.
“Oh please, yes. Thank you.” You said and gave yourself time to give her a smile and placed the papers on her desk. While doing that, you could hear the brothers’ whispering in a hissing manner and hurried back to them. The moment you stepped inside they stopped talking.
“Please continue.” You said stubbornly and sat down in front of the desk, in the chair that John was leaning his hand on, placing yourself in the middle of their conversation.
“Y/n. I know and appreciate that you want to join us, but what is going to happen next is going to be very dangerous and it needs planning. We are not doing this for one man but…”
“I don’t care how dangerous it will be. If you have something I can do, then let me do it.” You explained and leaned back in your seat as calmly you could master but you could feel your heart race by your words.
“I do care if it is dangerous. I want to keep you as far away from this as possible. But IF there is something you will be able to do, I will let you know.” Tommy leaned over the table and held out a hand for you. You were about to reach out for his hand when you noticed the silent that had felt over the office.
“Am I dismissed then?” You asked but you already knew the answer. The brothers only waited for you to go away, so that they could plan their next move where you weren’t included.
“For now.” Tommy assured you but you couldn’t feel certain that he would let you be included if you didn’t do anything yourself. You got up without taking Tommy’s hand and went to the door. You turned around a last time as you considered if you could say something to change his mind but you knew better and nodded to the brothers and went to your desk.
————————————————-
When the day was over and people started to leave the office and betting shop, the brothers hadn’t left Tommy’s office. You sighed when Lizzie asked you to go with her for a small grocery run but accepted it, because you didn’t want to just go to Tommy and yours’s room and just wait for something to happen. It was nice to be out even though it started to get dark outside earlier. It was slowly becoming autumn.
By the time you split with Lizzie it was almost entirely dark and you walked quickly through the streets to get to the Shelby house. When you turned the corner to their street you saw a bunch of men running on the opposite pavement. You halted at first and were afraid that they were running towards you, but they turned the corner and moved down the same street towards the Shelby resident. You breathed out but saw one of the men stop and look in your direction. You debated quickly if you should run or try to get your gun out, but when the man passed a streetlamp you saw that it was one of Tommy’s friends that was called Johnny Dog. You have seen him a few times around the office but not with this dark colour of red on his face and neck.
“Miss y/l/n.” He said between huffs and puffs. He wasn’t in a very good shape.
“What is going on?” You asked worriedly. If anything could make a man like Johnny run like that, it had to be important. The other men stopped further down the street, when they noticed that Johnny wasn’t with them.
“We were on our way to fetch Tommy. There has been a massacre at the new building in Manchester.” Johnny said as a shadow came over his face. It looked like it hurt him. Maybe he knew the men.
“Massacre? What does that mean? How many were…?” You didn’t finish the sentence because you didn’t have to.
“I don’t know. I just got word of it. We need to go to Manchester NOW. I want that bastard Mick King dead.” Johnny explained and you knew immediately what you needed to do. There was murder in Johnny’s eyes and he was in a manic state of mind. This was your chance to prove that you could do something. You could kill off Mick King once and for all before Tommy would ever get to do anything.
“Take me with you. NOW. Send someone else to fetch Tommy. Mr. King won’t expect an attack so soon if we hurry. Do you have a car available?” You hurriedly said as the other men came up to you.
“I’ve got one!” One of the Blinders said. He had a wicked smile on his lips. He was ready too. There men had had enough and Tommy was too slow. Nothing was happening from the blinders side while their friends and brothers were killed left and right.
“Good. Johnny and I will ride with you. If anyone else has a car, go after us. Then the left can go and look for Tommy.” You said firmly and they all nodded before they spread out.
“All right, you ARE the boss’ lass.” Johnny said amused and the Blinder lead the way to the car.
———————————————-
It was in the middle of the night when you finally started to arrive to the suburban Manchester. You were only two cars but it was more than enough to kill one man. You knew that Tommy wasn’t far behind you anyway. He would be furious with you but you could feel the familiar bloodlust inside you burn and it didn’t want some random member of the Scuttlers again, you wanted Mick King. The ride had been mostly silent but once in a while Johnny talked about some of the men The Blinders had lost.
“We called him little Jim. He wasn’t very tall but he was working damn hard for his daughters.” Maybe it was his own way to keep the anger and the adrenaline going, that made him go with you without even seeing Tommy first. But it was heart-breaking to listen to all the names, what kind of person the families had lost and how they ended their days.
You had agreed to visit the new buildings near the docks first. It was where Mick King’s men had attacked the workers. You passed the empty Davyhulme Park on your way and saw the dark empty building in front of you. There wasn’t any sounds to be heard outside but you were sure that there might still be some Blinders inside. You all hurried inside and the big entrance hall was dimly lit by beautiful chandeliers in the celling, you knew they were handmade for the place, as you had been sitting with the bills. It was a reflex for you to look up when you entered a huge greeting hall but this time it was pure terror to finally look down. It was like your ears had drowned out the cries of the men running around in the hall. Johnny ran to the nearest man that was lying on the floor as two other men stood over him. The man was not moving. All around the hall there was chaos. You could easily guess that they were gathering all the injured or deceased workers in the front hall so it would be easier to get help. Where was the help anyway?
“No one called for a doctor?” You asked the first of the workers that ran past you.
“We did, but we think the Scuttlers are keeping them away. It’s not only the police that can be bribed, miss.” He replied and hurried over to a man who was clenching his fists and moaning, as someone was cleaning what looked like a bullet wound in the man’s arm. All around you it was the same. You could count at least 5 people who were covered with jackets and other fabrics. A clear indication that they wanted the deceased to be respected. You caught the eyes of Johnny whose nostrils flared. The people who died here and got injured weren’t only Blinders but also innocent people who had taking honest work. You couldn’t let this pass and you knew that you must look as furious as Johnny at that moment.
“Can’t you tell Tommy to hurry the fuck up? This is getting way out of hand.” A man came up to you with rage in his eyes and a gash in his forehead that bled down over his eyes. It made him look insane.
“We’ll find the bastard. Tommy is on his way.” You said to him and you were sure that it was true. Johnny nodded, agreeing with what you said and whistled out in the hall to get everyone’s attention. The men you came with came up and stood beside you.
“We are going to find Mick King and end this once and for all. We will not stand for this anymore. If anyone can be spared here, you are welcome to join us.” Johnny roared out in the hall. A few men stood up and walked up to you in silence. They eyed you as to ask why you were there and not Tommy, but they must know who you were by now, because there weren’t any questions asked.
The workers that went with you could show you where the Scuttlers had their headquarter. It was a part it town that you hadn’t been to before, and for a good reason. The Salford district on the south bank was in many ways like Small Heath. A mix of small houses in poor condition and too many people. Once in a while you passed a slightly bigger house, but it was always near a factory or shops. It was clearly the owners that either lived there or had it as their second house. You were all tense while walking in the very dimly lit street, cursing the street lamps that made it hard to get use to the dark around you. Everyone could hide in the dark.
The men stopped at a corner on Earlham street and pointed down a narrow street called Shelton Street. Even though there wasn’t much light on the street, the bright yellow building stood out like a lighthouse. Grosvenor Prints was written on a huge blue sign over the façade. Was that really what Mick King used as the cover up for his dirty business? No one would believe a man was foul as King would own a simple print shop. The lights in the shop wasn’t on, but there was a smouldering light in the back, like there was someone still in the back rooms.
Without a second thought Johnny and one of the men from the new casino building rammed the door to the print shop and you reached down in your small purse and grabbed the small gun Tommy gave you. You had it with you everywhere since Tommy told you to keep it on you.
“We can’t just walk in there and kill them all! We don’t know how many they are!” One of the men behind you hissed and you turned around, glaring at them all. They stiffened up and it was very satisfying to see big men being tense by your stare alone.
“And why not, gentlemen? I’m going in.” You simply said and lifted your gun as you went.
“She’s going in with THAT gun?” One of them mumbled, but either way they went in right behind you.
You were just in time to see Johnny ram damn the next door and as he stumbled a little when he feel through, you stepped in and aimed at the first guy you saw. Cutting of every emotion and thought in the process except getting to Mick King.
“What the…” Was his last words before you placed a bullet right between his eyes. There were a lot of them but you had caught them off guard. Perhaps they hadn’t expected you so soon. You walked further in to make room for the men that roared behind you. They either attacked with guns or raw strength. Some of them ran straight into some of the men that barely got to stand up from the long tables before they were tumbling around on the floor with a brut of a Blinder on top of them. Hitting them repeatedly in the face with fists on the size of spades.
You stood there and looked around to see where you had just entered. All the men were wearing the signature flashy silk scarves around their neck. One of them was actually being choked in it. Ironic. There were fighting and gunshot that rung in between the big printing machines. However, Mick King was nowhere to be found. There was a staircase in the back of the large room and it looked much too fancy to be just a normal staircase to workers of a print shop. It was too refined and with many detailed cut-outs. It must be the way to the boss’ office if anything. You dodged behind one of the machines as the fighting came close to you. You walked along the wall, keeping out of the fight and with the gun in front of you. You reached the end of the printer where the steam driven conveyor belt started and the newspapers were still spitting out for the day to come. As you were in sight again, one of the Scuttlers immidiatly broke from the fight and went after you. You were definitely going the right way. You pointed the gun at him and he held up his hands for you to stop.
“That is a pretty gun you have there, ma’am.” He spoke in a thick Manchester accent. He smirked at you while walking slowly towards you. You changed the gun and pointed it at his head.
“I don’t want to have to do this. I don’t hurt ladies as long as they behave.” Even though he was bigger than you in any possible way, you still had the upper hand. You were ready to shoot as a Blinder came up behind the man, took him by his middle and slammed him into the floor. The shock made him lay still long enough for you to step forward and with a smirk on your lips that matched his before, you looked into his scared face and pulled the trigger. The Blinder rose from the ground and looked at the man. He stood wide eyed for a second before he tilted his cap at you and went on with his work.
You hurried up the stairs two steps at a time. You came right in time for two men emerging from one of the side door in the hall you came up to. You immediately fired at the first dude, which went straight into his stomach.
“What is going…?” The other man yelled out and you recognized the voice. It was King. The man you had hit fell over on the floor clutching his stomach and moaning in agony. You went up him and placed a well-deserved bullet in his head to make the moaning stop and you turned to look into the room. It was a huge office with a big mahogany desk in the middle. The air was smoky, so they must have been sitting in there for a while. Was King not with his men, storming the Shelby building? What kind of leader was he? A pure coward. You stepped inside and looked around. You couldn’t see anyone but something rattled behind a wooden folding screen and without thinking you fired at it and saw how the bullet splintered the thin wood, but no one spoke up or at least grunted. Fuck! You had used your last bullet stupidly. You had to get out of there and obtain a new gun. You knew that Mick King would be able to overrun you in no time, so you had to leave him be for now.
You cursed under your breath as you ran down the stairs as fast as you could. You needed to be around some of your own, before you could think of a new strategy or maybe fetch some of them to search King’s office. The downstairs was mostly quiet. It seemed like most of the fighting was over and you hoped it was to your advantage. Or else you were caught in the middle of the Scuttlers headquarter without a way out.
It was impossible to get a clear view of who was standing and who was on the ground. You stepped over the body of the man you shot on the way to the stairs and pepped around one of the machines. You saw the back of a man that was holding another man up by the collar with one hand and landing a solid fist into the jaw of the poor thing. You were about to step closer as someone grabbed you by the ankle and pulled. You lost your balance and fell hard on your stomach and got the breath knocked out of you. You tried your best to turn around to see what had grabbed you, but as you turned, a body dragged itself further on you of you. You saw directly into a bloodied face. The man looked while with a bloodshot eye that was slowly closing as it swell and blood gushing from a wound on his forehead. He was gritting his teeth as he was dragging himself along by grabbing your clothing and pulled. You tried to kick at him but he grabbed your other leg too and kept them down. His leg was exposed as his pants were ripped and you saw the big hole that was ripped thought his flesh and left a bloody mess. Someone must have shot him with a rifle. The fear had overtaken you as his hands reached your face and scratched long lines. You had to close your eyes to not get an eye poked out by his dirty nails. He growled like an animal as you tried to kick and hit him from your position under him, but nothing seemed to affect him. It was your nightmare all over again.
He grabbed blindly at everything he could get his hands on and he caught the top of your dress and as he pulled, the fabric ripped and exposed your brassiere. You screamed to get a bigger force behind your hits but the man tumbled away from you and you opened your eyes to see someone kicking the man away from you. As soon the weight was lifted from you, you crawled backwards until you were leaned up against one of the machines that was vibrating as it still produced the newspaper after newspaper, not affected by what happened around it.
A gunshot rung in the air and you looked to your saviour. Tommy stood over the man with his smoking gun pointed at the man’s head. You hurried and collected the remains of your dress around you and supported you weight on the machine as you stood up. Tommy was at your side immediately. He grabbed your face in his free hand and it stung where the man had scratched you. You hissed a little which made Tommy’s eyes darker.
“Are you okay?” He asked. There was murder in his voice, but you knew that it wasn’t towards you, but the man that was already dead on the floor.
“I’m okay. But Mick King is upstairs. Go after him! He must still be there or still in the area. Go!” You yelled at him and pushed him in the direction of the stairs. Tommy let you push him away but he didn’t move any further. He made a hand gesture and Arthur came skipping up to you.
“Upstairs.” Tommy simply said and Arthur looked you over and you pulled at your torn dress again. He headed towards the stairs with a smirk on his face. It made Tommy huff and he pulled off his jacket. He reached it around you and let his hands rest on your hip.
“Tommy you need to do something. We were so close. I was in there with him but I…” You were cut off by Tommy.
“You were in the room with Mick King alone? Are you mad? You could have gotten yourself killed!” Tommy suddenly roared. He was intimidating as you stood there so close. His hands were still holding on to your hips gently, so you weren’t scared of him.
“We had to do something now that you didn’t do shit!”
“You cannot just throw yourself to the sharks, y/n! You don’t know how important you are to me and my family. We can’t lose you over some stupid shit like this!”
“It’s not some stupid shit when we almost got him! We could have ended this here today if it wasn’t because my gun only had 6 bullets!” You pulled away from him and went to see the front of the front of the room. You needed to see how many were left and if anyone of your men had died. Your men.
The room was filled with bodies lying around like they had been thrown. Maybe they had. Most of the men you had brought with you sat on or around the long tables the Scuttlers had been gathered around. A few was tending to each other’s wounds but some were hovering over bodies on the floor. Tommy reached you again and let an arm rest on your shoulder, as you took in what had happened there. At least two were dead of what you could see. But there wasn’t one single Scuttler standing.
“He’s gone. He ran away.” Arthur confirmed as he came back down.
“Can’t you see how close we got? It’s horrible that we lost people but at least we went down fighting and not just waiting for them to take us down one by one.” You explained. Johnny was looking at you from across the room and as the other Blinder had done earlier, he tipped his cap at you.
“I see that but I don’t want you to…” Tommy sighed but you interrupted him.
“It’s not you to decide. That’s me. I want to earn my place in the Blinders. They only know me as your girl. I want them to know me for my abilities too. I am capable of many things” You explained andgestured out in the room.
“Capable of making a mess. Let’s get out of here before he comes back with more men. He’s not going to keep quiet for long.”
“I’m not going anywhere before you promise to actually involving me in this from now on.” You said stubbornly. More of the Blinders looked expectantly at the two of you. John that had been crouching over one of the bodies stood up and inspected the conversation. Tommy drew in a sharp breath before his shoulders sacked a little and he looked like he was finally giving up.
“Okay okay. I promise. Just promise me that you won’t get yourself killed.” He said slightly panicky, as he looks around like he expected an attack any minute. You nodded and let him pull you into his body. His hand was holding onto your neck, keeping your cheek close to his chest. His heart was beating with an incredible speed and if you didn’t know better, you thought he must have been afraid.
Tommy loosed the grip on you when he had calmed down a bit. He held onto your hand and started to guide you towards the entrance of the print shop, but you stopped next to Johnny and let go of Tommy. Without saying a word, you let your arms fall around the man and he stiffened a little but patted your back lightly. To think that you who had problem with anyone touching you were the one to give out hugs.
“Thanks for trusting me, Johnny. What were the names of the men who lost their lives here?” You mumbled while still holding onto him.
“Eddie Sarratt and Rocky Bates Jr.” he said close to your ear. You let go of him and stepped back.
“Eddie Sarratt and Rocky Bates Jr. I am sorry that they had to die, but they fought bravely and I will never forget them. I will notify their families personally, if you can find their addresses.” As you said their names out loud, you looked to the bodies that was not lying next to each other on the floor, covered the surrounding men’s jackets.
“Will do, miss.” Johnny confirmed. You let Tommy put a protective arm around you middle and walk you out of the print shop. Now you just needed a new plan because there was only one place that Mick King could be safe and you were the only ones that would be able to get him there. Wilton House. Lady Isabella’s Casino on Barkeley Street.
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