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evakuality · 3 years

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Matteo - Episode one

Okay bear with me. I know I’ve talked about this season a LOT over the last couple of years but I’m not going to do a rewatch (or first watch in some cases) of the Druck seasons and not include this one. And knowing me, I will be very verbose about this one because I do just love it so much. Even though I already talked about it at length.

So, to mix things up, I decided to watch this one in real time mode. Which has been both lovely (revisiting what it was like to follow along with everything back then) and really frustrating (revisiting what it was like to wait for clips back then). But it’s been a good exercise, particularly with this episode because I didn’t get truly involved in the show til a couple of weeks later so there’s a lot I missed in terms of social media etc the first time around. So let’s start there.

Social media: It was nice to get the stuff leading in to this season which I hadn’t seen before. The decisions around moving into the new place and getting Matteo involved etc were all super cute. I liked the stuff with Sam after her party and how they kept that story - at the time it must really have felt like an immersive thing moving from Mia’s story to Matteo’s. The stuff around the flatwarming party is interesting too. Matteo and Sara’s posts make it seem like they’re at two different parties. Matteo’s has barely and hint of Sara at all whereas hers makes it seem like they were joined at the hip all evening and super happy together. And then even through the week her things were much more focused on Matteo (and on Leonie’s crush on David) whereas again, with his Sara only comes up if he’s asked about her. I know it’s very clear in the clips as well, but honestly, the texts and instagram posts etc really make it clear how much she had built this up in her head vs how indifferent he is to it. One really interesting one is where she asks Leonie not to spread it around that she and Matteo are together. It suggests that she already knows this isn’t what she wants it to be, but either through desperation or naivety or by lying to herself, Sara doesn’t allow herself to see it. It’s very sad for her and I do feel for her a lot more than I ever did for Emma.

Clip one: I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again now. I really really love this clip. It’s a perfect introduction both to Matteo’s PoV and to all the themes of the season. Matteo is surrounded by people through the whole thing, and on the surface and from the outside it probably looks like he’s slotted in and having a great time - he talks, he dances, he appears to be having a good time and his social media is curated to make it appear that way too. But it’s clear since we’re in his PoV that he’s actually isolated and on the outskirts of what’s going on. That’s done both in the music and sound (the way he fades in on the discordant, out of place note will always always get me as well as the way that the chatter and ‘reality’ of the party only comes into focus when Sara makes him kiss her) and in the conversations that are held. The way the boys really do just focus on sex sets us up for Matteo’s explosion later where he accuses them of only talking about sex - which is sadly fairly true in these earlier episodes. And Matteo tries to join in but all he manage is ‘that looks exhausting’ and ‘you bet’ when asked about him and Sara. The fact that his contribution is about how exhausting sex (and by extension relationships) must be is really telling of his mind set. Everything is too exhausting for him and he’s not ready to put in much effort at all. The isolation goes deep with this boy and it’s all already so well shown in this first clip. I like that we got hints of that through Mia’s season as well (and the seeds were planted in Hanna’s - what with his tagging along to the cabin and his stuff with his family etc etc), and so while this is a much more closed off and sad Matteo than we’ve seen before it’s not come out of the blue. The fact that he’s still curating his social media to look like he’s happy and connected also reminds us that what we saw before isn’t necessarily what the truth was.

Clip two: I like how Matteo, unlike Isak, is clearly already very well aware of his feelings and his attraction to boys. His pining over Jonas is both obvious and very sad. He’s well aware that he can’t let anyone know, and the reminder with the number on Jonas’s arm is gut wrenching for him and for us to watch. And then scattered through the whole episode is a lot of reminders that Jonas is a ‘player’ now - it’s shown by Jonas himself, by the boys teasing him, by Hanna’s sad little ‘I’m happy for him’ message etc etc. And all of it serves to remind Matteo that he can never have what he’s wanted for so long. So it’s no wonder that he removes himself from the situation to go get rolls or whatever it was that he bought. The ‘I’m waiting for you’ banter would absolutely be the last straw. Jonas can joke that he wants a guy, but Matteo knows that he’s not going to ever be able to have it be true for real. As an aside, I can see why a lot of people thought Jonas might be GerEven at the time because a) Matteo’s thing has always been a lot more obvious and b) Jonas seems much more open and willing to consider the ideas.

Clip three: Well, I don’t have a lot to say about this one. Except that !!!!! this first ‘meeting’ with David is so good and so well done and it works to rock both of them out of their little ruts and makes them both ‘wake up’ in a way. It’s nothing, just a chance meeting in a hallway, two boys passing then looking back at each other. But we can see just how much that one glance affected Matteo as he walks off and while we don’t see it in David as yet, he also makes reference to how knocked off course he felt when he met Matteo. I have always liked that they’re in the same year and so on a real equal footing from the start and this is all part of that. This moment affects both of them equally, knocking them out of their complacency, and it’s such a perfectly framed and filmed and edited moment.

Clip four: One thing I hadn’t noticed til this time around is that the girl who ends up sitting next to Jonas was at the back of the classroom, already sitting at a desk, earlier. She obviously saw her moment and scrambled to take it - the second Matteo was out of his seat, she was in it. Perhaps news of Jonas’s new ‘player’ status is getting out and she wants some of that action. I really like that Matteo and Amira already clearly have a much more friendly history than Isak and Sana. They’re both forced to work together by circumstances and a teacher, but here there’s already more of a history. Also, correct me if I’m wrong, but Sana came to Isak but here Matteo goes to Amira. That’s because of course Matteo more obviously stashed the weed on Amira and so he immediately knows who has it and where he has to go to get it back. But it again makes him more proactive than Isak was at this early stage. Amira is rightfully pissed at him - Sana was defending a friend from Isak’s shitty behaviour, Amira was herself affected and so she is much more firmly involved and has more reason to be cold. Which works because in general Amira is softer and less aggressive and cold than Sana is so it fits for her to be directly angry for herself.

Clip five: ugh, so uncomfortable!!! Sara is trying really hard to actually communicate with Matteo, and kudos to her for actually using her words, but it’s so painfully obvious how awkward and artificial this conversation is. It’s not really a surprise that she doesn’t feel like this is totally settled as yet and asks Leonie to keep it to herself. On the one hand, he agreed that they’re together (after making her make the decision) but on the other hand, he broke away from kissing etc so they could watch something together. His words may be saying what Sara wants to hear, but his body language etc is saying something entirely different. She deserves a whole lot better than Matteo and the way he’s using her, but I guess this is how it can be - he’s cute, he’s not totally rejecting her and so she lets herself believe.

Clip six: well, again. This clip does such a good job of properly introducing David with several hints to what’s going on with him but no actual answers. It’s another example of two people talking at cross purposes, but where Sara lets it drop and the conversation dies out once she hears what she wants to hear, here David picks it up again once Matteo backs off. Again, they are a good pair - equally invested and equally willing to set and respect boundaries and try to make connections in a safe way. Imagine how this must look to David - this boy who did shake his world up a bit in their one small moment together (as another aside - ugh the wait between that first sight and this one is so long in real time!!!), is intriguing and interesting and asks him to go smoke with him. Which is all very cool and David wants these connections and to make friends and this boy clearly appealed to him in some way at that first meeting. But also, this boy is asking all kinds of invasive question which threaten the things David is trying to keep private, for example the pressing of ‘you’re new’ and how ‘weird’ it is to change schools at this point. It’s no wonder David goes cold and distant and does his best to stay aloof. But then of course Matteo respects that boundary and pulls back and so then David is able to make connections in a safer way, talking of things that matter to him but which aren’t quite so confronting for a first chat. Detroit, running away etc and Matteo shows that he gets it and understands those impulses. And so by the end they’ve fairly quickly established a connection and a rapport and so Sara’s intrusion is unwelcome to both of them. Given that David literally runs away when she appears, I wonder how much he knows of her from their shared class. She certainly doesn’t seem to know much except that he’s the guy Leonie likes. Speaking of which, Matteo’s ‘I think that’s someone else’ is so bizarre in this situation. He’s talking to a ‘new’ kid at school and Sara made it clear that Leonie likes the new kid, so he shouldn’t be surprised. But it’s obvious he already wants David for his own and acknowledging that Leonie may also like him is too much, I guess. After Jonas and his string of people hanging off him, I doubt Matteo wants to be caught up in something similar with David. We’ve already seen how painful a crush on an uninterested guy is for Matteo and how much of himself he has to hide away - no wonder he wants David to be ‘someone else’ and actually be someone he can think about in that way after they started to make a connection.

#druck #og druck #matteo episode one #I had such a moment of 'I'm home' when I started watching the first clip #this is my Druck home and always will be

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chalkrevelations · 3 years

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So, Word of Honor, Episode 36 (and “Episode” 37) again, because I want to do a little bit more unpacking of this, particularly with some of the extra material and information that people have been able to point me to.

Spoilers, obvs. For right now, I mainly want to pull out this bit of my initial reaction to 36 & 37, because I think it remains a key point for me:

It would be nice, though, if the connective tissue from 36 to 37 made any sense. Or existed whatsoever. Just, like, throw me a bone, show, some kind of explicit hand-waviness that actually gets mentioned for why Ye Baiyi apparently was not as smart as he thought he was and didn’t really know what he was talking about when he was doomsaying about how one of the pair will surely, oh surely perish. None of this “Sooooo, they managed to figure out the technique and master it?” from some random shidi who never actually gets an answer. I mean, the door was left open for fanwankery on this one, with what looks to be a very last-minute conceit of all this being a story told by grown-up Chengling to his disciples, which begs the question of how much of what he’s telling them is totally accurate, given any number of issues …

I do feel like there’s an interesting meta thing going on here, in that the entire show has been about – let’s be honest, it was never really about the plot – queer-coding this couple in ways that supposedly fly enough under the radar that people can handwave them as Just Good Friends and Brothers (I mean, I guess) with a Bury Your Gays tragic ending (ugh) for good measure. And Chengling is telling a story in-universe that seems to conform to some of this same formula. And yet, we all know well and good that these guys were husbands … So are we supposed to carry the same assurance out of the show, on a meta level, that what appears to be happening in the story at the end of Ep 36 – what we discover we’re learning through Chengling’s story-telling, isn’t really the truth? Just, look: While we’re getting the Good Friends and Brothers push, there’s stuff like obvious voice-over work that doesn’t match the much more queer version of what the actors actually said, which is apparently blazingly clear to any viewers who know Mandarin and can manage to lip-read. The show has literally put de-queered words into these characters’ mouths. You can’t trust what you hear. But apparently the show has also made this obvious enough that, if you’re a good enough speaker of the language the show is being told in, and you have a good enough eye, you can see what is actually going on. Are we being taught to trust our eyes more than our ears, are we being told that what we’re being told – by the end of Ep 36 on a meta level, by Ye Baiyi-through-Chengling’s-story on an in-universe level, and by what we learn about what happened from Chengling’s story, itself, also on an in-universe level – is inherently untrustworthy, but that if we “speak the language” of this show well enough, and have a good enough eye, we can decode it and see what “actually” happened and is later made explicit in Ep 37?

So, that’s a lot, but the reason I wanted to pull it back out is because I feel like this no-homo, surface-level, smoke-and-mirrors effect that gets layered over a queer bedrock of “reality” is precisely what the show did with its ending, and I want to approach that on a couple of different levels. Particularly since I’ve seen several reactions from other people who didn’t seem to have seen/didn’t have access to the extra of “Ep” 37, or who also found it difficult and vaguely unsatisfying to make the leap from Ep 36 to full belief in, and commitment to, “Ep” 37.

When I first posted this, I was really leaning on the idea of a classic Rashomon effect, given that we see – imho – a final Zhou Zishu/Wen Kexing scene in Ep 36 that’s filmed to lead us to believe that Wen Kexing died, with a subsequent cut to Zhang Chengling wrapping up a telling of the “story” of ZZS and WKX to his disciples. The easiest fanwank on this is that all of what we’ve seen so far has been Chengling telling the story of ZZS and WKX to his disciples, making him an unreliable narrator who in fact doesn’t know the truth of what really happened. I was actually reminded of the contrast in The Untamed (god, I don’t need to warn for spoilers for The Untamed, do I, we’ve all seen Chen Qing Ling at this point, right? Anyway, SPOILERS FOR THE UNTAMED) between the cliff scene in Episode 1 when they make it look like Jiang Cheng stabbed Wei Wuxian, leading to his fall off the cliff, and you go back later and realize this is the version that the storyteller was telling to the people in the teahouse vs. Episode, god, what is it, 33? When we see the cliff scene in “real” time, and discover that’s not what actually happened, that what happened is that Jiang Cheng stabbed a rock and Wei Wuxian shook himself free of Lan Wangji’s grip to fall to his death. You can’t trust what you hear. Also … well, we’ll get back to Chengling in a minute.

The second level of uncertainty to unwind is Gao Xiaolian calling bs on Chengling’s story. So, I felt like the kid who’s practicing his forms in the snow and being coached by ZZS in “Ep” 37 might actually be someone, not just a random kid, and that might be important, but I could not for the life of me figure out who he might be. I wasn’t aware until I watched some of AvenueX’s wrap-up of the show (I think that’s the first place I heard this info pointed out) that this kid is supposed to be the son of Gao Xiaolian and Deng Kuan, and the dad who comes to take him home is Deng Kuan (formerly Da-shixiong of Yueyang Sect, who – let’s face it – Gao Xiaolian really wanted to marry). Seriously, I spent so much time making fun of ZZS’s stupid facial hair tricks in this show, and then they actually do just put a dumbass mustache on a guy, and I completely don’t recognize him. I have to admit, the mustache threw me enough that I had no idea that was Deng Kuan (well, and maybe only seeing him for three episodes also helped). But if that’s Deng Kuan, and if the kid is his and Gao Xiaolian’s son, then she would have some reasonable standing to know a story detailing WKX’s death was bs.

Finally, and most crucially – thanks to everyone who directed me to resources (including AvenueX and other fans who were able to do some translation) who were able to talk about the voiceover work in this final ep, because when I talk about how you can’t trust what you hear, but if you speak the language well enough and have a good enough eye, you can catch what’s really going on? When I talk about de-queered words being put into these character’s mouths? Apparently, this is what happens to Chengling in the final scene. That last scene - and the story he tells his disciples - apparently DOES provide the connective tissue from Ep 36 to Ep 37, but you can’t trust what you hear. Apparently, this is one of the places where you can see something different from what you hear if you’re able to lip-read, with Chengling telling the disciples something much closer to the idea that two people who love each other equally can equally support each other through this cultivation technique and both come out alive.

In the AvenueX discussion of this (Livestream #21, starting around 1:22:30), there’s an additional tidbit about the use of the word “cauldron” – I believe by Ye Baiyi - to describe one person in the pair, a word with a specific and widely-understood meaning within the genre that’s not necessarily known outside of the genre with, yes, sexual connotations. (Come on, slash fans, don’t tell me you don’t giggle every time you pass a perfectly innocent Jiffy Lube auto shop, at something that the mundanes don’t think twice about.) Apparently, “cauldron” is in the script, I believe it’s in the English subs, and it apparently was in the original Chinese subs, until too many people started talking about it and how it had been slipped past censorship, because it’s a perfectly common Jiffy Lube auto shop, right? and then it appears Youku went back and changed the character in the Chinese subs to something that doesn’t even make any sense. So again, we get an example of a case where if you’re a good enough speaker of the language this show is being told in – in this case the vernacular of wuxia – with a good enough eye, you can catch what’s really going on. Something that then gets no-homo’d. And has some nonsensical de-queered meaning laid over top of it. How many times do we have to do this until we learn the lesson that you can’t trust what you hear?

ANYWAY, I’m wondering if the visuals are important, too: Something we see in the last scene with ZZS and WKX in Ep 36, when WKX is either unconscious or dead (CLEARLY UNCONSCIOUS), is that ZZS – twice – doesn’t let WKX’s hands fall. He catches him by the wrists and then catches him again by the hands as WKX’s hands start to slip away from ZZS’s hands – aaaannnnd end scene. I have to wonder if that’s not a subtle but important detail, that we see ZZS refusing to let WKX physically slip away, and maybe, by implication, refusing to let WKX slip away from him into death.

Also, again with Ye Baiyi – in the flashback when WKX is yelling at ZZS, Ye Baiyi says “No one dies!” as he comes bursting into WKX’s sickroom. And then even reiterates it – “No one dies before me!” But then the voiceover during the qi transfer, he’s supposedly going on about here’s how WKX is going to have to kill himself to save his husband? I think the script has dropped the ball in a few places, but that would really be a tremendous flub. That also deserves some unpacking, but I’m running out of free time right now.

So, just some additional thoughts. I will probably have more, but next up, I think, will be a re-watch from the beginning.

One last thought, tho’: What’s the likelihood that Nian Xiang is Actual A-Xiang and Goa Xiaolian’s/Deng Kuan’s kid is Cao Weining, reincarnated?

#zhou zishu #wen kexing #zhang chengling #gao xiaolian #deng kuan #ye baiyi #word of honor #word of honor episode reax

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mymelodyheart · 3 years

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Miles Between Us Chapter 8 ~Light vs Dark~

Previously in All in a Day's Work ...

A voice raced through her consciousness, telling her this was the way forward. She knew he needed his control back before he would be able to speak to her. So she got down on her knees and pulled his pants down.

When he wrapped her hair in his fist and tilted her head back, she smiled. "Now, let's get dirty and exorcise those pesky brain chatter, shall we?" Before he could reply, she took him full in her mouth and worshipped him with her love, absorbing every frustrated growl that ripped from his throat and every emotion that poured out of him with every roll of his hips.

She pushed him to the edge and over until he found his release, and his loud cries echoed in the air. When he shattered around her, his body slumped onto the floor and into her arms.

Claire knew they had a long night ahead of them, so she cradled him, waiting patiently for his breathing to calm. Later after she bathed him, they would talk, but for now, she was contented just to hold him a little while longer, as she wondered how many of Jamie's demons she would have to slay tonight and if love would be enough to conquer his hell.

If you wish to read this on AO3, here is the link.

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Jamie reached over to the other side of the bed and stilled when all he grabbed was air. His eyes instantly flew open, and he wondered why he was in bed. He jackknifed into a sitting position, his muscles tensing against the sudden alarm that spiked through his nerves, but when he saw the sliver of light under the door and heard Claire's movement in the bathroom, he eased back onto the mattress with a sigh.

Memories from earlier suddenly came rushing back to him. He'd arrived home, reeling with the need to expend energy, but not in the healthiest of ways. He'd ran from work after Willie had sent him home, and when he'd arrived to find Claire in the kitchen, the rush of adrenaline had buzzed through him like mad. Though he'd made up with his sister after their confrontation, the run to the cottage hadn't relieved the buildup of anxiety and guilt, but one thing had been clear throughout ...the need to see Claire had been paramount. She'd sensed something was off, but he hadn't anticipated her reading what he'd needed at that moment when he'd himself had no words for the volatile sensation raging within him. Ever since she'd arrived in his life, she'd been unintentionally rearranging everything, and all the painstaking layers he'd patched together over his broken parts were slowly being stripped away, little by little, to reveal what he'd buried underneath.

Earlier, she'd ripped another layer off when she'd offered her body for his own release. Despite rebelling against it, his body had a mind of its own, taking his fill like a starved man and pacifying the storm within. It had troubled him to see her pleasuring him on her knees and not had been able to reciprocate back, but she'd soothed him with words and her hands. He recalled the shame and fear that had shot through his bloodstream when he thought he'd hurt her with his rough play, but the moment she'd touched him, he'd lost track of everything, the mind-bending pleasure obscuring all reasons, making him feel depleted and whole at the same time. After she'd bathed him as if he was a bairn, she'd towelled his body dry and massaged his back until his limbs had gone pliant and heavy. And just before he'd dozed off, she'd whispered into his ears, "Rest now, my love and later we'll talk." He couldn't argue, even if he'd wanted to. Because, in her, he found his equilibrium, and his skeletons didn't rattle as much whenever she was around.

He'd just switched on the bedside lamp when the bathroom door opened, and Claire walked in wearing his bathrobe, the sheer size of it almost drowning her small frame. He couldn't help the smile forming his lips. It looked ridiculously too big on her but at the same time too adorable for words. He pushed himself up and patted the space next to him.

Watching her climbed the bed and crawl on all fours, he extended his arm out in an invitation to nestle against him. "How long was I out?" he asked.

"An hour tops," she replied, kissing him on the lips. Instead of huddling into his arms, she sat cross-legged, facing him, a touch of worry dimming her eyes. "You were knocked out."

"Really? Only an hour? I had no intention of falling asleep. I must have been tired. I feel like I've slept the whole night." Feeling slightly disappointed he couldn't put his arms around her, he took her hand instead and twined their fingers together.

"Willie dropped off your car, and I have your keys here," she said, pulling them from the pocket of the bathrobe and placing them on the mattress. "How are you feeling?

"Relaxed."

"That's good," she whispered, squeezing his hand.

His thumb brushed the inside of her wrist. "What ye did earlier ..." He felt a stirring in his loins when he remembered her mouth around him. "I would like to verra much do the same for ye if ye'd allow me."

"Jamie ..." she sighed, giving him a small warning look.

He shrugged, his mischievous smile telling her, Oh well! I tried. They eyed each other for a few heartbeats, a silent understanding passing between them. Jamie knew she was patiently waiting for him to initiate the talk. There was no way around it. Not even sex was going to get in the way. It had been a long time coming, and he owed her some explanations. "So ye want to talk ..."

"Would you like to have your dinner first? You haven't eaten yet."

"No, I'm good."

"Good. Let me know if you need anything."

"Aye ..." He moved into a more comfortable position. "Let's get this done and over with."

She gave him an encouraging nod. "Take your time. Whenever you're ready."

"Just a wee warning, Sassenach." He winked at her when he noticed her frown. "If this starts to feel like a therapist appointment, bear in mind I've noted all the available exits," he joked to lighten the mood.

It worked. The corner of her lips twitched. "I'll try my utmost best to keep that in mind."

He settled against the headboard and took a couple of cleansing breaths. It cleared his head a wee bit, allowing him to formulate the right words. Words that wouldn't sound like he was losing his mind. "Guilt," he began. "I told ye already before ...I have a bad case of it." His throat closed up. "It's what keeps me awake most nights, replaying all those things I didnae do right. As most insomniacs would know, nothing solves sleeplessness like a nice warm glass of despair and regret."

A flicker of worry flashed across her face. "Jamie, you told me you were feeling better." She scooted closer to him. "Have you been keeping the truth from me? Because if you are, it's not helping matters."

"No, Sassenach." He shooked his head. "I was telling ye the truth. I was feeling better, but there have been many strange things happening in the past that's just coming to light. The more I try to piece things together, the weirder it gets." He massaged his temple with his fingers. "Christ! Where do I begin?"

"Alright, one thing at a time." She paused, and he saw the cogs behind her eyes, turning. She appeared to be contemplating the best way to make it easy for him. "Did something happened at work earlier?" she asked.

He sighed. "Aye. I blew my top at work. It's unlike me to lose my head like that, especially in front of the other workers. It's kind of frightening when your emotions are beyond your control."

"Did it have anything to do with your episodes?"

"Probably. I'm not sure anymore."

"When you came home earlier, you really looked stressed, Jamie."

He stared at her and thought of the events that day. Ah, shite! Why is this so fucking difficult? They're only in the early phases of their relationship, and already she's tangled up in his web of messed-up issues. Surely this wasn't what she'd bargained for when she decided to take a chance on him? She only had a few days before she returned back to London, but here they were, it's early evening, cooped up in his bedroom trying to sort out his fucked-up head when they could be out on romantic dates. No one, except for his family, had really seen the true depths of his issues, and he'd coped fine for a long time without talking about it. Man up, Fraser - get to the bottom of it! Think of Harry!

"My sister and I had a fight," he finally said. "But I dinnae think the fight triggered anything. Or maybe a little. Ye see, it's no' the first time we've had a squabble like that. I think the beginning of the episode has more to do with something that has been building up for the last few days. Odd dreams, memories coming to the surface and such. And the sibling bicker was the last straw."

"What do you mean?" she asked. "Has this something to do with your dream the other night? You told me you had a strange dream and you had trouble sleeping."

His heart lurched as he recalled the dream. "Aye. But it goes way before that. Partly, it has something to do with that ..." He hesitated for a moment. "...and with ye."

"With me?" She visibly braced herself, a worried frown appearing on her brows. "Jamie ...if you're concerned about me not being able to cope with your condition and leaving you, you thought wrong. I care for you, and I want to help. But I can't help you if I don't understand what's going on. Whatever you're going through, we'll face it together."

He felt encouraged by the hopeful look she gave him. "But ye dinnae ken half of it."

"No, I don't," she agreed. "But we'll get through it together. Painful as it is to talk about what's hurting you, suppressing it will only make it worse, and there's a danger you could lose yourself and forget the person you are and all the good you have done in the process. If you're waiting for time to erase all those emotional pain, it's not going to happen, Jamie. I know this because I carry a lot of pain, too, and time has done nought to erase it. You just have to acknowledge it and learn to let it go."

His heart pounded. "This can open up all sorts of hurt, Sassenach ...for ye."

She studied him closely. "Why are you so worried about me getting hurt, Jamie? Ye're the one suffering from this condition."

His gaze lifted to meet hers, and a throbbing began underneath his collarbone. He wondered how much he could reveal about her parents' death without him disintegrating in front of her and scaring her away for good. This is the part where the room would normally close in on him, and then he would start to fidget and eventually clamp up. An uncomfortable pressure stretched against his rib cage, making it difficult to suck in a breath. They were already at the point of no return. But Claire's eyes instantly grounded him, turning the chaos in his head from a bright, blazing red to a cool, soothing blue.

He swallowed his mounting anxiety, focusing on healing what had been damaged inside of him. "Before anything else, Sassenach ...what do ye remember about yer parents' death?"

"Wot?" Her voice sounded throaty. "Why is it relevant?"

He loathed the sudden uncertainty sneaking into her expression. He wished he could go back and take back the words. "I'm sorry, but it's pertinent that I know."

She let go of his hand and rubbed her palms repeatedly along her thighs. "I -I was with my parents when the accident happened. I never told you this part before."

The image of young Claire trapped at the back seat of the car flared to life. His head fell forward with a groan, and when she touched his shoulder, he waved a hand and motioned for her to go on.

"I don't remember much except for the feeling of being very frightened and wanting to be with my mother. After that, everything was a blur."

"Have ye ever talked to your uncle about it?"

"Sort of," she said, scrunching up her shoulders. "When I was old enough to understand. But never in-depth." She stopped and eyed him suspiciously. "Jamie, what's with the questions about my parents? Are you trying to change the direction of this conversation?"

"No! No' at all!" He shifted position and squeezed his eyes shut for a beat. When he opened them again, he puffed out a breath. "Your parents ...the car ...I was there when it happened." She looked bewildered, but he didn't stop. "I was on my way to see my godfather. I-I was ten. And I had this ..."

"What do you mean you were there?"

Oh, God, give me strength. "I saw yer parents' accident," he said rapidly. She gasped and cupped a hand over her mouth. Shaking his head, he continued. "I ...I always thought my condition began right after my best mate died in the war zone. But it was way before that. I saw something that a child should never have to see, but I did. I would have told ye all these sooner if I had known. The dream ...I had the other night brought back all those horrific memories. Christ, Sassenach ..." He dropped his head into his hands. "I wish there's an easier way to say this. I'm so sorry for bringing this up, and I just cannae ..."

"Jamie ..."

Then the dam shattered, and everything came pouring out of him. He told her how Harry had first appeared into his life, coming to his aid in Glasgow when he'd fallen down onto his knees while going through an episode. And the mysterious ways the older man would pop up whenever he was in dire need of help. He spoke of his suspicions of what or who he'd thought Harry might have been after his family had questioned his friend's identity over New Year's Eve lunch at Lallybroch. And how his theory had been further validated the moment Murtagh had mentioned having known Claire's parents. Then his voice faltered when he told her what his godfather had told him the other day, about him being witness to her parents' accident as a young boy. And how seeing uncle Lamb's similarity to Harry had triggered the dream and brought back all the suppressed memories. He told her how he'd held her that fateful day and how the memories of that event changed him forever, vowing to himself nothing like that would ever happen again under his watch.

By the time Jamie finished, he felt weightless. Like he'd been lugging around sandbags on his shoulders all his life, and they'd just been ripped open, dumping their contents onto the ground.

When he finally glanced up, Claire was immobile, staring at the wall behind him. The unfocused expression he'd seen the other night when he'd asked about her parents was back, only this time she appeared more thoughtful.

"Sassenach?"

Her gaze cut to his. "So you knew my dad."

"I did." She must have sensed his sincerity because she closed her eyes and her lips quivered a bit as if she's trying her hardest to keep her emotions in check. Christ, he wanted to drag her away from all the pain he'd just brought up. He didn't like seeing her like this. He'd told her more than he'd been prepared to, and they should call it a wrap for now. But he needed to know if there were any mental scars she'd been nursing and if so, he wondered if he'd made it worse. If he did, he'd never forgive himself. "Sassenach, please tell me ye're alright."

Her gaze lifted to meet his, and she hugged herself close. "I think so," she whispered. "Just give me a few minutes to let it all sink in, alright? Don't give up on me just yet." They simultaneously took a deep breath, making her smile at the realisation. He resisted the urge to pull her onto his lap and focused on what she had to say. He'd already said his bit, and now it was her turn. So he listened. "That moment at the pub, when I first laid eyes on you, I had this strong feeling we've always known each other. I even said to myself, maybe we did ...in another lifetime. All this while we had no idea we were both connected through my dad."

"Aye, I felt the same way, Sassenach, and I put it down simply to a strong attraction between us. I even thought it would pass, but the more I got to know ye, the more I wanted more of ye. It frightened the hell of me, firstly because of where ye live. I didnae think our relationship could work with my condition. And secondly, because I didnae want my burden to be yer burden. It would kill me if ye had to go through what I've been going through almost all my life."

She seemed transfixed as she made a move towards him, reminding him of the way she'd looked just before they're about to make love. Pressure rolled off him the moment she straddled his lap, leaving him almost light-headed when she tenderly placed a hand against the side of his face. "Do you realise what an extraordinary man you are?" She tunnelled her fingers through his hair, making his eyelids fall to half-mast. "You see, Jamie ...only good men feel the load of their burdens. And exceptional ones like you persist on taking more. Because of you, I want to be a better person and take some of your burdens. The same way you've carried the burden of my parents' death all this while." She laid her head into the crook of his shoulder, snuggling into his neck in a way that somehow mended a broken part of him. "Growing up without them has been hard, and it still pains me a lot when I think of what could have been. But I realise now, sometimes death has a heart, and we can't beat ourselves up for recognising it." A few heartbeats passed before she met his gaze. "Out of tragedy, we found each other, and that means their death must count for something, don't you think?"

The simplicity of her words, her acceptance of their past, the vulnerable girl he saw underneath the confident woman she was today reached every damaged corner of his being. There was no choice but to press their bodies together.

He pulled her closer and gently combed his fingers through her curls as he brushed his lips against hers. His thumb caressed her cheek before cupping it in his hand. When she smiled, his fingers tugged her chin to bring her mouth back to his. The kiss deepened, his fingers fumbling with the ties of the bathrobe she's wearing before pushing it down over her shoulders. Fluidly, never breaking contact, his lips travelled down her throat, her back arching to offer her breast. He was about to take a nipple to his mouth when he noticed a band of bruise circling her arm. He jerked back and realised there was an identical one on her other arm.

A sick feeling settling in his gut, he touched one of the bruises with his index finger. "What's this?" he asked, even though deep inside, he knew the answer already.

She rubbed it with a hand as if it was nothing. "Jamie, don't worry about it. I have pale skin, and I bruise like a peach."

He ground his teeth and shook his head. "I did this earlier, didn't I? When I came home from work, right after the fight with Jenny."

When she flinched, he felt like a bucket of ice-cold water had been thrown over him. He lifted her off his lap and got out of bed, and went to stand by the window.

"Jamie, it was nothing. We were playing rough, and these things happen."

He could feel the darkness coming back again, trying to shroud him. He needed to concentrate on his breathing. When a woman like Claire loved with such fierceness, surely that love should have enough light to push the dark away. But he was coming down hard and fast, and the sick feeling in his guts was trying to make its way up, making him want to gag.

He heard her approach, and he steeled himself when she wrapped her arms around his middle and laid her head on the centre of his back. "Jamie, you didn't hurt me. You have to believe me."

How could he want Claire's love and feel the unshakable compulsion to run away at the same time? Her arms were circled around him so tight, he thought she might be trying to join them together as one. A huge part of him wanted them joined together, but the darker side of him was scared to death. He'd allowed her to soothe him with every word, every touch. But now it was high time to get rid of the blinders. His chest hurt, and every fear he'd succeeded to overcome throughout the last few days poured down on his head.

Claire shouldn't want the man he'd become, who had a tendency to inflict pain and bruises on her skin when under the influence of his episodes even if it wasn't intended. He thought of Jenny earlier and the frightened look on her face, his fists curled, ready to cause injury. This relationship with Claire would be over as soon as she realised she'd saddled herself with a sick man with the potential to be violent, and he knew he wouldn't be able to bear it when that day came. It was up to him to make sure she didn't make this mistake because she deserved more, and he loved her too much to allow her to be blinded by their love. He didn't want her to make that error.

"Claire ...I need to go."

Claire turned him to face her, weariness dimming her normally bright amber eyes. He'd done this to her, snuffed out the light in her. But she was so beautiful, her curls, wrecked and wild, mouth puffy from their kisses. "I'm not letting you go, Jamie. We're in this together. You have to believe me when I say you didn't hurt me and that you are a good man. You don't have it in you to hurt anyone."

Her words were hot irons branding his insides. "Dinnae say those things in the heat of the moment. Ye're too good of a person to realise when something bad is standing right under yer nose."

"You're not making any sense Jamie. Come back to bed, please ...and we'll talk it over." She was close to tears, and it was breaking his heart to see her like this. "I meant it when I said I love you and nothing ...not even this condition that you have will drive me away from you."

Jamie exhaled a sharp breath. "I need to clear my head." He walked away from her and grabbed the jeans, hanging neatly over the chair.

"I know what you're trying to do, Jamie. I can see right through you. You want to leave me because you think you're a danger to me. You're wrong." She tugged his arm and attempted to pull him towards her, but he remained still, looking anywhere but into her eyes. She grasped his face with both her hands, forcing him to look at her. "Look at me! I want you to know I'm not afraid of a fight. Just tell me what I'm up against so I can knock it down for you."

It took a lot of willpower to remain upright and resist the urge to voice out his fears. He knew she would be able to defeat his doubts, but for how long? Those fears would grow back even bigger and more persistent once time had passed and the outside world began to encroach on them. "Let me go, Sassenach."

"Never, Jamie. You said on the day before I left for London we were in this together, you and I. I'm holding my side of the bargain, and I will not let you go. So you better get used to that."

He turned away and started to scramble for the rest of his clothes. When he finished pulling up his jeans and putting on his t-shirt and shoes, it took him what seemed like an eternity to face her. Her face was ashen as she drew the bathrobe around her. "I'm done talking, for now, Claire."

Tears streamed down her face as he grabbed his phone and keys and made his way out. He couldn't get out of the cottage fast enough. His heart hammered, his ears started to ring, his lungs squeezing out the last air. He'd hurt her. He'd seen the bruises with his eyes, and now she's crying because of him. He needed to get out fast to clear his head.

She followed him closely behind. "Please tell me where you're going, Jamie. At least give me that," she pleaded.

He couldn't stand to see her tears anymore or hear the plea in her voice. He was doing what's right for her because he loved her too much. He wasn't even sure where he was going or if anyone would be safe in his presence. All he could think of was how frightened his sister had looked at him and the bruises he'd inflicted in Claire's arms. He needed to get as far away as possible, away from the people he loved.

He got into his car, slammed the door, and started the engine.

Claire banged on his window, her face wet with tears. "Don't do this, Jamie. We can fix this together. Please don't go. I'm begging you."

"I love you, Sassenach. I love you so much," he mumbled under his breath as he jerked his car into gear, reversing from his driveaway. The wheels spun and screeched as he pulled away, his body shaking and his heart shattering into tiny pieces.

Claire's safe now, he reassured himself, gripping the steering wheel tight, safe and far from the stifling darkness closing in.

..........

Claire watched Jamie's car disappear into the darkness. She wanted to scream and crumple to the ground out of sheer despair and fear. But she realised her presence of mind was needed at this moment. She needed to call someone and alert them to what happened. Jamie could be in danger. Willie!

She ran back to the house and grabbed her phone. With shaking fingers, she wiped the tears from her eyes and tapped on the screen. She'd just managed to find Willie's name when her phone rang. She saw it was her uncle Lamb. Oh God now's not the time. Though frustrated, she answered. "Hello?"

The line crackled before uncle Lamb spoke. "Sweetheart, it's me. I hope the Scottish weather is holding up because I'm on my way for a visit. We had another setback at work, and I didn't want to hang around, scratching my arse doing nothing. I'll be arriving in four days. I hope you'll still be there; otherwise, I'll change my flight ticket to London."

Not wanting to alert her uncle with her worries about Jamie, she cleared her throat and tried to sound cheerful. "That's great! I'll be here, and I can't wait to see you! But I really need to run along. So many things going on." It wasn't a lie, but she would call him back once she'd sorted out this mess she was dealing with. "I'll call you later."

"That's fine, darling. I can't wait to meet, Jamie ..."

Oh, dear, God, please help me.

Dear Readers,

Firstly, I'm sorry if this took slightly longer to update. My excuse: my computer has gone funny on me. I need to buy a new PC, and I've been busy looking on the net for one, hence the delay of this update.

Moving along, I'm asking you to please bear with me with this chapter. I understand it's a bit heavy and slightly dark, but it had to be done because it is necessary if the story is to gel together. Despite the heavy undertone of this latest update, I hope you've enjoyed it, and you get what I'm trying to put across. On a much brighter note, thank you so much for your feedback from the previous chapter. I love it when I read your thoughts about a scene or plot. They are so appreciated, and I'm already looking forward to what you think of this latest instalment. Meanwhile, wishing you a great start to the week. Take care of yourself always and be safe. Much love.X

#melodyheart #wonderwall #milesbetweenus #ClaireBeauchamp/JamieFraser #claire beauchamp #jamie fraser #outlanderfanfic

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buttdawg · 3 years

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Plane Ride from Hell

I watched the new episode of “Dark Side of the Ring” to see what everyone was talking about, and yeah, it’s pretty messed up. Some stray observations:

I felt bad for Teri Runnels, because it was clear that she was going through the same kind of sexual harassment as the flight attendants, only it lasted a lot longer than a single plane ride. She kept saying “Don’t sell it” as her response to these kinds of thing. I get the feeling that this used to be sound advice for dealing with locker room pranks, but it mutated into this code-of-honor for excusing everything, up to and including wrestlers exposing themselves.

It occurred to me later that this might be why Curt Hennig became such a notorious prankster. The stories I’ve heard over the years suggest that lots of wrestlers would do terrible things to each other in the name of “ribbing”, and Curt Hennig took it to a whole other level. I’m wondering if maybe that was his defense mechanism for that sort of toxic culture. Maybe he decided there was no fighting it, so he made it his business to excel at it. I mean, who’d want to rib Curt Hennig? He’d just escalate it to an absurd degree. So it sounds like your only defenses are to “play dead” or “get them before they get you.”

But it’s kind of funny how everyone told Teri “don’t sell it”, but no one said it to Brock Lesnar that day. It just exposes the hypocrisy of the whole thing. If Brock exposes himself to Teri, she’s just supposed to live with it, but if Hennig messes with Brock, then Brock can just start a fight on an airplane.

I was at the grocery, and this four-year-old was just screaming “The Hokey Pokey”. I could literally hear him from halfway across the store. And yeah, “don’t sell it” is pretty good advice there, because it’s not that big a deal, and what are you going to do? It’s not worth getting upset about it. Tommy Dreamer seems to think that reasoning applies to Ric Flair strutting around nude in a charter plane. That’s pretty messed up.

There are people trotting out the defense that it was a “different time”. Okay, but they were calling it the “Plane Ride from Hell” during 2002. People got fired over it during 2002. Everyone knew it was fucked up, even then. There’s only a renewed sense of outrage because this Dark Side of the Ring episode is finally shedding some light on what really happened, and they’re not sugar coating it. I mean, yeah, people are probably more sensitive about this kind of thing than they were 19 years ago, but it was a scandal at the time. WWE did everything they could to cover it up, because they knew how bad it would be for their PR.

I’d even go so far to suggest that this might be why they didn’t fire more people after the plane landed. If they fired a lot of wrestlers all at once, it would attract more interest to the story, and there would be loads of ex-employees willing and able to tell their side of it. That seems to have been the general reaction from WWE’s management. Vince was upset about the whole incident, but only because of the embarrassment it would be for his company.

In particular, I find myself focusing on Jim Ross. I mean, it doesn’t sound like he did anything wrong on the PRFH, but his retelling of events sounds like he wants to have been an impartial, helpless observer, while at the same time he claims ownership of the whole fiasco. He’d explain his job description like he’s in charge of “the boys”, but then he’d also say things like “I can’t watch everyone every minute”. It sounds like he had a role in hiring the charter plane, but no one seemed to know how it had an open bar, or who approved the second and third cart of liquor after the first one ran out. JR claimed that he was the one who had to fire Hennig and Scott Hall, but he’s also quick to say that he only did it because Vince McMahon told him to. So there’s this sense that he’s just a middleman, executing orders from higher up. “I’m responsible, but if you don’t like how I handled things, it’s someone else’s fault.”

I just don’t get how all the wrestlers act like this was totally normal behavior for a bunch of drunk wrestlers stuck on a plane for 14 hours. Someone said that you had to wear sunglasses and a hat while you slept, so that you at least had a chance to wake up before someone tried to shave off your eyebrows. Ric Flair’s “helicopter” bit was so well known among the talent that they had a name for it. Ross said that if this had happened on a commercial plane, they would have had law enforcement waiting on them when they landed in the U.S. And yet, it sounds like there was zero plan in place for how to deal with the wrestlers if they got too rowdy.

I mean, it’s 19 years later, so maybe it’s obvious in hindsight, but it sounds like it would have been pretty obvious back then, too. So I can’t tell if Jim Ross was too naive to do his job, or he lacked the tools to do it properly. They asked Ross pointblank why Ric Flair wasn’t punished for cornering a flight attendant while he was naked, and Ross said he didn’t know. He suggested that Ric was a “made man” by that point, which doesn’t pass the smell test.

This isn’t an old vs. new issue. Ric Flair was 53 when the Plane Ride from Hell Happened. Brock was in his 20′s when he flashed Teri Runnels backstage. Dustin Rhodes was 32 during the Plane Ride from Hell. He’s 52 now, and he’s wrestling for AEW to this day. Darby Allin is a rapist and he’s working for AEW now, and he’s 28. Somehow, these guys get conferred an immunity from any consequences of their bad behavior. It might have something to do with star power or favoritism, but a lot of times it seems purely arbitrary. Tommy Dreamer was 30 during the Plane Ride From Hell, and he’s 50 now. He was never a “made man”, but he seems to find nothing inappropriate about Ric Flair’s behavior that day, then or now.

I don’t know what the solution to any of this is, but I do find it ironic how the episode opened with JR explaining that the charter plane was hired to be “talent friendly”. They were having a great year financially, and they were on a lucrative European tour, and morale was high, and I guess WWE wanted to do something nice for their wrestlers. But as the episode wore on, it became clear that WWE management seemed all-too-willing to bend over backwards for their talent. They let their guys bring syringes on board for crying out loud. Curt Hennig was drugging people’s drinks. No one was imposing any rules on the talent, and no one was in any position to enforce the rules. And when a few people actually did get fired, the guy who did it felt guilty about doing it.

Leniency and permissiveness can be just as dangerous as strict, draconian micromanagement. If you let your employees get away with anything, they’ll start getting away with everything, and the bad actors will start to make life miserable for the others. Without realizing it, WWE was basically punishing Teri Runnels for just existing on this plane. She can’t retaliate, and she can’t complain to management, so her only choice is “don’t sell it.”

I’ve always heard what a tyrant Vince McMahon can be, on and off screen, but really, I’ve come to notice how his greatest flaw is his indecision. Given two choices, he’ll refuse to make up his mind until the last possible moment. He books DQ finishes and no-contests rather than pick a winner. He hires a small army of writers to script his shows only to tear up their work right before they go on the air. He was on the Plane Ride From Hell. His wife was on board with him. It’s bizarre to me how we never hear what he was doing during the whole incident. But the answer is apparently “nothing”, and that probably explains a lot about why his employees felt so little pressure to behave themselves.

#wwe #plane ride from hell #afterword: i really think it's silly how they kept talking about michael hays' ponytail #like i get it #if i woke up and half my beard was gone i'd be upset #but everyone acts like that's the worst thing that happened on that flight and no #it's not even close #maybe vice only brought it up to make that point #or they just wanted to make sure everyone knew this was the same plane ride story #i kept waiting for them to talk about steve regal urinating on a flight attendant #but that was a different flight #when he was in wcw

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theanxiousstudentblog · 3 years

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What I've learned from the first year of university: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Three years later than expected, I finished my first year of university. At first, admittedly, it didn't feel like much; I submitted my final assignment, logged off of my student account, and went to watch the new series of The Real Housewives. It wasn't until a few weeks had passed that I was finally hit with how much this milestone meant to me and all the emotions that came with finally getting through the first academic year as a university student. This may not seem like a big achievement to some (I remember how in sixth form we were always made to believe that the first year of university was a piece of cake and way easier than A-levels) but, for me, it has been a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs. These emotions and thoughts are what have inspired me to write this post, specifically the feeling that university can be very very different from what you expect.

How I got here.

When I was younger, one of my sole dreams was to go to university. This may have seemed odd to some as I suffered from extreme anxiety when I was younger and actually refused to go to school between the ages of 7 and 9. However, it was never the academic side of schooling that worried me but the social side and being away from my family. I loved learning and I knew that I wanted to take my academic career to the highest possible level I could. The idea that I could pick any subject that I was interested in and do a whole course solely centered on teaching me as much as I could absorb was infatuating to me. It was for this reason that I spent so much effort making sure that I achieved good grades, despite my time off. I had my sights set on a prestigious university in London and in 2018 I received an offer to study there. However, instead of feeling excited about my future, I was engulfed with a feeling of dread. Unfortunately, due to events in my private life, my anxiety which had previously been kept under control by CBT and medication began to skyrocket. I would later learn that I developed complex PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) during this time. For the sake of keeping this blog post to a somewhat reasonable length, I will keep this account brief by saying that these difficulties eventually led to me pulling out of the London university and I decided to go to a local uni closer to home after taking a year off for my mental health (for a more detailed account you can look at one of my previous IG posts published 24/05/20).

Expectations vs...

I was excited for what awaited me at my local university; it was close enough to see my family whenever I wanted but still gave me the independence that I felt I needed to grow. Moving day came and went and it seemed to be going pretty smoothly, albeit some hiccups that came with my anxiety. It is important to note that I gave the university's wellbeing service a heads-up about my conditions before moving in so, at first, I felt confident that if I had any issues they would be able to work through them with me. However, over the next couple of weeks, my anxiety grew and grew, finally reaching its peak when my housemate turned around to me and told me that I needed to shut it about my mental health issues and stop hanging out with her. This triggered a major episode in my PTSD and I suddenly felt like I was spiraling out of control. However, despite my attendance beginning to drop and the multiple times I was having to leave lectures early due to panic attacks, I still sustained a level of confidence that my university would be able to give me the reasonable adjustments that the wellbeing team had spoken to me about before starting the term. Sure, they hadn't got back to my emails with any tangible support in weeks, but they couldn't just leave me like this...could they? All throughout my schooling, I was made to believe that educational settings were environments where any appetite to learn was nurtured and fed; education meant an opportunity to achieve anything you worked hard enough for, despite your background, disability, or start in life. Wouldn't universities be the ultimate conceptualization of this meritocracy?

Reality

Unfortunately, this vision would be quickly shattered by the stark reality of my treatment by my head of department and the well-being team. I go into more detail about this treatment in the IG post mentioned previously, but in summary I was given two choices: I get my attendance back to 100% with no support/reasonable adjustments from the university, or I leave/defer until I was "better". There was no comprehension from the uni that this wouldn't have a definable recovery date; I've been dealing with long-term mental illness since I was a child and it is something I've learned to live with alongside the appropriate support. To wait until I was "better" would potentially mean waiting forever. On top of that, I went out of my way to prove to my department that I was keeping up with my work and had achieved top marks on the most recent assignment but little recognition was given to my current grades. From the weeks since I started at university I'd met multiple people who had little passion in their subject or who were just at university because they thought it was what they should do. No hate to these people (I think the pressure young people face to go to university is a whole 'nother issue in itself) but I couldn't help but compare myself to them. The university didn't care that they had a whole student population of disillusioned young people who were indifferent to their academic fields but drew the line at a motivated student who suffered from mental illness. It became clear this wasn't an environment for people like me who were simply viewed as a wrench in the works. In December 2019, I was given no other option but to drop out of my university.

Starting again and the lessons I have learned

What was the worst blow to my mental health? Being kicked out because of my mental health...Having to leave university was a massive blow to my self-esteem and I began to catastrophize what that meant for my future. Luckily I had my family for support and my mum pushed me to look into the Open University, an institution based on distance learning. I enrolled part-time for the start of February (unfortunately I had missed the cohort to start full-time) and decided to focus on my therapy. This actually worked out great for me as in 2020 I was diagnosed with PTSD and started EMDR so being a part-time student gave me enough space to process the emotions that came up in my treatment. The Open University has been so helpful in making sure my needs are met and I have been so grateful to finally find an inclusive learning environment. It is definitely not how I planned to be experiencing university and I still do feel some disappointment in not getting the full "student experience" but it has also taught me some valuable lessons and given me a new insight into how far our education system still needs to go. These are the things I have learned:

Education isn't about degrees or academic prestige. Education is about a person's desire to learn, whether that be through books or the sheer act of being. Everyone requires different conditions to which they need to learn and thrive, and unfortunately, many academic institutions tend to expect us all to be cut from the same cloth. Despite this, no one can take away your passion to learn, and as long as you're living, you are learning.

There can be no equality without equity. The truth is people enter schooling from all different backgrounds and circumstances and it is not enough for institutions to treat everyone the same. In terms of mental health, many people are quick to say they recognise that mental illness can be just as debilitating as physical illness however until they put the actions and policies into place to make environments more tolerant and accessible then their words mean nothing. This means taking the time to talk to individual students about what they require and realise that the most important thing that a university can do is create a place where EVERYONE can learn. Schooling creates the foundations on which the future of our society is built and the fact that inclusion is barely making it on the blueprint is scary to me.

COVID has shown that in this digital age, attendance ISN'T everything. If only I could go back to that final meeting with my head of department and tell him that in a few months time everyone's attendance would be at 0%! Seriously though, this is a wake-up call to how simple accessibility can be if you just invest in a good digital learning platform that allows for people who can't attend in person to still be included.

You can be an academic and still put your mental health first. Despite what my first university led me to believe, my time at the OU has shown me that you do not have to sacrifice one over another. In fact, it has shown me that my mental health recovery and student journey can work hand-in-hand, encouraging each other along.

But most importantly...

It has shown me that despite the pressure to make your university years fit into a nice, neat package of fun, good grades, and self-enlightenment, it most likely won't happen like that. That's okay, let it go and keep moving.

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sparklegemstone · 3 years

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Loki Ep3 Thoughts

I can write this right now because I watched ep3 on Wednesday morning. For the other episodes I've watched the first 5-10 minutes to slake my curiosity and then waited until I was 100% alert and engaged (read: not a work day) in order to fully appreciate the full episode. But I watched all of ep3 on Wednesday, and I did so because as I kept going there was never a point where I felt like I was missing anything by not being fully alert.

That is to say...I didn't think the episode was that good. Not bad, but mediocre, especially compared to the other two and the other Marvel series we've seen so far. The only point of this episode was "strand Loki and Sylvie and get them to be a bit more friendly to each other" and they could have accomplished this in much more interesting ways that would have felt more fulfilling as an episode. Maybe I'll feel differently after another watch, but these are my first watch impressions.

Loki singing was a gift. A+. Fantastic. The whole series would have been worth it just for that moment. I really enjoyed the callback of the mug smashing a la Thor. The 'passing time on the train' sequences were the only really worthwhile parts of the episode. I loved the idea behind Loki talking about Frigga teaching him magic and how she raised him, though I thought the presentation of the idea could have been even better for more resonance and emotional impact (also I was distracted by the corny looking fireworks effect, I'm trying not to blame the series for its budget if that fed into that particular effect, but at the same time WV and FATWS knew how to work within their budget without making it feel like they were budget limited). I'm still not a fan of the whispy insubstantial look for the battle magic design coming from his hands, but like most everyone else appreciate all the magic use this episode. Ooh! The 'love is a dagger' monologue -- another that I really like the idea of, I think it could have been more emotionally impactful with a different presentation.

Outside the train car, the whole episode was just "give me the time pad", "make me" over and over again. Lots of empty calories in this script. I don't find Sylvie that interesting from what we've seen so far (why can't we have Randy 😔). She felt like a pretty generic female 'chip on her shoulder, has to fend for herself runaway' character, and didn't live up to what the first two episodes were building her up to be. She felt kind of juvenile, which might have been what TPTB were going for, I don't know, maybe I'm being sexist with that impression? But definitely not as if she's someone who has been living in apocalypses experiencing nothing but death and destruction all around her for the past X amount of time. The character has to justify a badass slaughter set to an 80s rock jam, not the other way around. Also that shot where she tries to enchant Loki and he just stands there with his head down and lets her? I don't know if they were going for intimate in that scene but it just felt kind of clunky and awkward.

I'm curious to learn more about her because I still have so many questions. You'd think if TPTB wanted to design a Lady Loki character they would make her look more like Loki with black hair instead of blonde, which might suggest she's not actually a Loki variant? But maybe she's purposely made herself blonde to distance herself from Loki. But then why does she have Loki's costume and a variation of his horned helmet? She's strongly reacted to being called Loki twice now, so clearly she has some relation to or history with Lokis.

And the whole final sequence that was the dash to the escape ship -- again I'm not trying to criticize the show for its budget constraints or pandemic constraints but that whole sequence felt like they were running through a set and/or competing on some sort of space-themed Nickelodeon GUTS show making their way through a staged obstacle course. It was a combination of the set itself with the saturated neon colors, and the artificial feeling choreography of how Loki and Sylvie moved through it without the environment fully motivating said choreography (run to one point, crouch and wait for a few seconds, then run to the next point, run into a building just to run out), and the cinematography of how it was filmed. I was expecting the fallen tower that Loki magically caught to start rising to reset itself on the stage any second. I didn't feel the terror and urgency of so many people fighting for their very lives. I didn't really feel the urgency for Loki or Sylvie either.

I already wrote this in another post but I'll copy here because it's short. It felt like a poorly written Doctor Who episode: a Doctor Who episode where the story of the place and people the episode takes place in doesn’t matter and the audience isn't supposed to care about it other than to be a giant obstacle course for the main characters to navigate and for the setting to be "nifty".

If we had 22 episodes instead of 6, I think I'd be more forgiving of the episode and my expectations would be lower. Then again if we had a 22 episode season then each episode would have it's own complete story that is told and wrapped up by the end of the episode vs. this shorter chunk of an episode that isn't satisfying in and of itself and only works in the context of the episodes it comes between. So it's like the worst of both worlds, lol.

I realize that was a lot of negativity, but I hope this doesn't just come off as complaining. Like I said, I didn't dislike the episode and there were definitely high points, when it just comes to writing out my thoughts, in this case at least, I find myself having a lot more to say about the parts I was less impressed with vs. the things I really liked to which my reaction is more simply "yay", "thumbs-up", "I liked that".

#loki series spoilers #loki series negativity

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logically-asexual · 3 years

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okay i'm already procrastinating and i don't plan on sleeping any time soon so here we go.

☆ ✩ my personal ranking for every season 1 Sanders Sides episode. ✩ ☆

i think it's going to be pretty similar to @dukeofonions' but let's see if i find something new to contribute haha. i see you didn't include that one about Patton in the Big Game or whatever, so i'm not including it either xd. also i think i'm going to count Accepting Anxiety as one episode only.

edit: i finished and now i dare you to drink a shot of water every time i say the word spanish or a version of the word comfort and become very well hydrated.

#16 I'm in a Disney Show

(i agree with dukeofonions here) i always forget this episode exists. it was ok in terms of being happy for real life Thomas but as a Sanders Sides episode it didn't do anything. the sides were just giving their opinions but it wasn't very funny or interesting. also i'm bitter because it made me look up the episode he was in and i didn't like it at all. i don't know if i'm too old for those Disney shows now but Thomas was literally the only good part of it, everything else was really dull and boring imo. a waste of time.

however, Logan supporting clickbait is one of the funniest things ever, and i'll never forget it.

#15 Becoming A Cartoon

i didn't hate this episode but it was just .. meh.. you know? several factors contribute to this. one, i couldn't feel much nostalgia for Butch Hartman's shows because i watched them in Spanish, and everything feels really weird when they speak English, i don't like how my old cartoons sound in English. two, it was disappointing to me because we were all desperately waiting for Plot™ and instead they give us this short episode about nothing (oh how the tables have turned now it's the other way around haha). and three, i didn't like the style of the animation :/ their faces and expressions freaked me out, Roman's douchey face still haunts me.

#14 Way Too Adult

here i'm biased because i don't like Patton much, and i didn't back when i watched the series the first time either, so this video was a little disappointingwithout the rest. also it wasn't relatable to me because i am still too young and dependent on my parents haha. but Patton is funny and it's funny to laugh at Thomas' struggling.

#13 The Dark Side of Disney

i've never been a fan of Disney movies. i actually never watched Mulan or the Lion King or Aladdin as a kid, so meh. i liked the ending, though, it was cool to see Virgil have fun and be right for once. it does make me a bit uncomfortable because the way Thomas tries too hard with Virgil's mouth movements and his low voice reminds me of a guy that had made me v uncomfortable not long before watching that video. so an icky feel overall.

#12 A New Year of Lying to Myself

this video was actually kind of fogettable to me. i had a hard time connecting the voices in the song to the characters and idk. i don't love it nor hate it, just .. neutral.

#11 My True Identity

pretty much the same opinion as dukeofonions, again. it's a good introduction and it's good that it was the beginning of it all but on its own it's not very special. i think it's awesome on Thomas to have come up with such a clever idea, like choosing the dad, the teacher and the prince and putting them together and match them with thoughts?? that fit so perfectly?? it really is just very impressive when you think about it, that it was just a random idea he had for a short 5 minute video.

#10 Taking on Anxiety

i liked this video a lot because when i watched it i had recently been a lot on tumblr, and found out through relatable posts that i had anxiety. so watching this video was really fun and it made me happy to feel so seen, specially the intro when Thomas just talks about what it's like to have Anxiety and Virgil is so smug about it.

- ★ -

okay now that those are out of the way things are going to get hard... all the following i love with all my heart so i'm going to rank them based on the smallest things.

#9 Growing Up

once more, Patton isn't my favorite. so that's why i'm putting this here, plus the echo at the end askjhsahg, but i love love this video. i remember we were waiting and oh so ready for the angst of nobody taking Patton seriously. and we received!! i love that though Roman and Logan are antagonists here, they're both so happy about Thomas wanting to have a healthy life. and i just adore the way Logan admits his mistake at the end and asks Patton directly. my heart... also aw.. the nostalgia. i remember none of us knew how to spell Patton's name and were writing it in very funny ways until Thomas and Joan told us lol.

#8 The Mind vs The Heart

when i watched this video the first times i didn't like it much, because i only had eyes for Virgil, but later i came back to it and loved it. so taking that into account i'm putting it here. logicality was the first ship i ever shipped in the show because i saw a gifset on tumblr of Patton screaming "what do you know about love?!" and Logan "apparently more than YOU" and the caption said "MARRIED", and i thought hey yeah... anyway. i love them. they're both my dads since that day.

this video is so so so relatable and i love it. Logan and Patton are so much fun arguing and i love how they compromise at the end and work together. im reconsidering.. i might move it higher? no, fine i'll leave it here.

#7 Making Some Changes

this video was absolutely hilarious. i personally couldn't see it as the Sides still once they were acted by Thomas' friends, i enjoyed it more as that bunch being silly and trying to be the sides but failing in so many ways, while sometimes nailing stuff suddenly. i really don't take this one too seriously as an episode. except Joan!Logan and Valerie!Logan, my beloved... i love how Joan acted as Logan and their voice and that they kept their ace ring on.. there's a reason i had them as my icon for so long. and Valerie looks a bit (a lot) like me with the glasses and dressed in dark colors, plus she spoke Spanish and there's .. no words to describe the joy i felt when seeing/hearing that. wait i'm getting emotional...

#6 My Personality Q&A

when i watched this Virgil was my favorite side and i didn't care much about the rest lol. when i heard his answers i related to him SO much it was scary, and also his voice is so soft and it was all very comforting. it was also when i first starting looking at Logan with more attention, because when he brought up Big Hero 6 and Fall Out Boy and said he didn't sing and would recite it like a poem? it only took a couple seconds but my brain said "me" and never went back.

now this video is a little underwhelming to watch for me, most of the appeal for me was in finding out the answers, and also watching it when we didn't know a lot about the sides. now we know more and want to know more so it's not as fun to me as it was first.

i wish so bad they'd do another one, although i know it would be more difficult with a much bigger audience, i think they can manage and i just need it. the chaos.. the energy.. they all being so savage with each other, learning little random facts about them you didn't expect.. i need it.

- ★ -

oh boy top 5 here we go. the next three are practically a tie. i can't choose.

#5 Alone on Valentines Day

i love Valerie, and the idea of this video was perfect and so perfectly excecuted. every side just giving their crazy opinions on how to woo a random stranger, i laughed SO much. first with Logan speaking simlish out of nowhere? at that point i didn't know practically anything about the sims except that it was some video game and the whiplash of Logan going AYO and the rest killed me. then when Roman whipped out that dialogue in Spanish??? my life was completed. i've never felt more happy than i did in that moment gosh. just the hilarity of Roman's drama, the shock of them speaking Spanish suddenly like that, the absolute JOY of seeing a creator i like speak (may i say) perfect Spanish, the other characters' faces after that.. never been happier.

also the conclusion was so cute. Virgil solving the whole problem without wanting to. i loved it.

#4 Am I Original

i think this video speaks for itself. it was fun to watch them all do the ideas Roman had, plus Logan and Virgil nodding at each other, (i love them so much), plus the angst at the end of Roman's perfectionism, plus Roman's just perfect name. this video has it all.

i think Thomas posted it kind of late at night and i watched it at 7am in the classroom as i waited for my classmates to arrive and the class to start. (i usually was like 40 minutes early to school due to mom’s work). i had to contain my laughter and it wasn’t easy.

#3 Losing My Motivation

i started loving this video after a while, when Logan passed Virgil in the position for my favorite side. but once he did this episode was beautiful. it's so funny and i love Logan and Patton's dynamic so much. and the video also so damn relatable in general. i felt so seen with it because they named all the problems i have when procrastinating, down to Patton's vague explanation of his feelings, it's exactly how i feel every time i want to do stuff. and the plot twist! i can hear the dramatic sound effect and see how they all turn to Logan clearly in my head, and it always makes me smile. plus there's so much Logan angst that can be dug up and overanalized. i love to watch it over and over.

#2 Accepting Anxiety

this video was perfect. everything we wanted. we knew it was coming and it delivered perfectly, better than any fanfic done in the waiting time. the week between the parts was agonizing but in a fun way somehow. i remember precisely when i was watching part 2 in my living room. i screamed. and i cried, a lot. i was feeling terrible at that time in my life and Thomas was such a comforting presence and i can't begin to describe how this episode made me feel.

and later it is always fun to rewatch with all their different reactions to being in Virgil's room, the energy of that was on point. Thomas is such a great actor and the characters where just amazingly performed. plus it gave so much to talk adn think about, the idea of the rooms, lots lots of insight into the characters, foreshadowing, so much. it's just perfect i have nothing else to say.

#1 (for purely emotional reasons, ironically) My Negative Thinking

i think Accepting Anxiety is the best episode of the season objectively but my favorite is My Negative Thinking. because i love Virgil and Logan so much and seeing them argue together was and is great. the comfort.. i can't repeat that word enough throughout this post. it's such a soft video while not being overwhelming with Patton and Roman's outbursts. just quiet (mostly) and clear and with perfectly timed humour.

Logan my beloved.. learning spanish... helping me with my own anxiety.. and their debate was so good. and the fact that they were friends i- i can't. Virgil didn't think Logan liked him and Logan told him explicitly that he did and the casual softness of it i cant even. Logan is happy that he tried.. it's just marvelous. Virgil and Logan as best friends will always be my favorite pair, and their dynamic will always be what i strive for in any relationship i might form, with both sides silently comforting each other within their own limits and realistic perspectives. so nice.

- ★ -

so yeah. that's all. thank you if you read all the way up to here. ♡ ♡ ♡

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #logan sanders #virgil sanders #patton sanders #roman sanders

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kittyprincessofcats · 3 years

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She-Ra S5 E07 - Perils of Peekablue

There might be spoilers for the rest of the season in this post!

I’ll start by saying upfront that I pretty much consider this to be the weakest episode of season 5 (or at least one of the weaker ones), even though it does move the plot along significantly. The main reason is that, as I said before, I don’t care about the group on Etheria as much as the group in space (with the exception of Scorpia and possibly Spinnetossa), so an episode like this - even though I get why it’s important - just won’t interest me as much as what the gang in space is up to.

That said, it’s not a *bad* episode or anything. Let’s get into it:

- The entire beginning scene where Adora tries to transform into She-Ra and the others keep interrupting her is absolute gold and I love everything about it. Especially Catra, OMG! The way she shows up and actually asks “Are we messing with Adora?” - She’s not even pretending to be helpful and I love that she’s bonding with Glimmer and Bow over “messing with Adora”. And how she then just flings herself onto Adora’s lap and brushes Adora’s face with her tail while cheekily saying “Yeah Adora, concentrate!” - brilliant, absolutely brilliant 🤣. And I also love how Adora doesn’t even try to push her off and actually holds her. These two are too cute.

- I also wonder if the “You can’t let distractions keep you from transforming” line was intentional foreshadowing for Shadow Weaver telling Adora that Catra’s a distraction.

- I like Catra’s new outfit! Well, it’s pretty much just her old outfit with a few adjustments. But still, nice! And she looks really cute with short hair.

- I feel like this beginning scene is pretty much here for two reasons: It sets up that Entrapta is trying to reach the rebellion on Etheria, which will be relevant at the very end of the episode, AND it shows Catra’s new outfit, so we can have a new opening now.

- Changes in the opening: Time for some really exciting mid-season opening changes! Catra’s missing from the villains’ card for the first time ever. Instead, Horde Prime’s hands are now closing around a glowing orb (I assume that’s meant to be the heart of Etheria). At the part where Catra and She-Ra fight, Catra now has short hair, She-Ra is in her new form, and instead of a snarl the fight ends with a soft smile between them (I’m not crying, you’re crying. Best opening glow-up ever! 😭). In the final heroes’ shot, Adora back to being She-Ra instead of Adora, but this time in her new form. And Catra is *finally* in the heroes’ shot as well. GOOD STUFF. (In general, I just LOVE that they actually kept updating the opening in the middle of the season. That is SO cool. But the change that really gets me is how they updated Catra and Adora’s fight, because that’s been the same since the beginning of the show and now it’s SO SWEET.)

- Okay, so my biggest problem with this episode is that the plan to find Prince Peekablue seems... kinda dumb? So they’re planning to sneak into an underwater soiree undercover and abandon everyone else at the camp to find a “hermit” no one has seen in ages because he might know where Adora and the others are? As a plan it just seems far-fetched. I get that they want to warn Adora and company that Prime is chipping people (they don’t know that Adora’s group already knows that), but how would finding Peekablue even help them achieve that? He could tell them where Adora and the others are, but... that’s it. It’s not like he can also magically communicate with Adora or anyone else. And didn’t Swift Wind tell the others last episode that Adora’s coming home and that he can feel her coming closer? So shouldn’t they already know that the group in space are on their way home? (Granted, Swift Wind told that to Micah, Frosta, Spinnerella and Netossa - but I’m assuming the rebels communicate with each other and Micah would have also told Mermista and the others?) I mean, idk how much time supposedly passed between these two episodes, so maybe it’s been a while since Elberon? Also, when did they even figure out that Horde Prime is chipping people? Last episode, Micah still said they had to “figure out what that was”. And if they know about the chips now, it might have been a good idea to check the necks of everyone at camp right away - though to be fair, they maybe didn’t realize how the chips work yet. And yeah, I am nitpicking here (and obviously the rebels have to mess up so things can go south this episode, so I guess they have to make some bad decisions.)

- That said, I love all of their outfits! And I like that Scorpia’s alias “Lynda D’Ream” is a reference to the 80s cartoon.

- Netossa’s lucky that she wears an outfit with such a high collar - makes it hard to put a chip on her neck. (Also, idk if I’ve said this before, but I love Spinnerella and Netossa’s character designs and outfits. They’re both fashion queens.)

- Just the fact that it really is Spinnetossa’s anniversary and Netossa thinks that’s why Spinnerella is acting strange - I mean, what are the odds?

- “They are my people! Which means that most of them have sworn revenge against me at some point.” Okay, that is pretty funny. And getting to meet all of Sea-Hawk’s exes was pretty funny, too. (Yeah, officially they’re not his exes but just people whose ships he set on fire... but come on, the subtext isn’t really subtle here.) And I love the whole running gag of him and Mermista fighting all of them behind the bar counter with Mermista doing most of the work and getting more and more annoyed with it - but when they’re finally done, it turns out there’s also someone there that *she* doesn’t want to see, because she set their ship on fire. Comedy gold.

- Scorpia is me at a party :( I also find it super hard to socialize and get into conversations with strangers. Very relatable there.

- I also love how the sweet flowergirl Perfuma has absolutely no problem blending in with a bunch of criminals.

- “You’re amazing. You have the biggest heart and you could do whatever you put your mind to.” Aww. I’m glad someone told Scorpia that!

- “You should do things not because you’re good at them, but because they make you happy.” That actually is some really good life advice. People should keep that mind in general.

- (I love how Sea-Hawk and Mermista are carrying Admiral Scurvy away in the background while Scorpia and Perfuma are having their heartfelt talk 🤣.)

- “Repeat after me: I can do this. I can do this.” “Perfuma can do this.” 🤦 I feel bad for laughing, but... gosh, Scorpia has some serious self-esteem issues.

- Okay, time for an unpopular opinion: I’m... not that into Scorfuma. There’s nothing wrong with it and I’m not against it or anything, but it just doesn’t particularly grab my interest. That excited feeling you get when you ship something just... isn’t there for me with them, sorry.

(I kinda felt like I had to explain/justify myself, so I started to write a small essay on my ships here that doesn’t really have anything to do with the episode. Feel free to just skip this part.)

I consider myself a multishipper and while my #1 OTP is definitely without a doubt Catradora, I also really have a soft spot for Scorptra (to the point where I’d say it’s probably my #2 after Catradora). And, to make it short, Scorptra vs. Scorfuma is one of those “fanon vs. canon” things for me, where what you want to see happen in canon isn’t necessarily what you find exciting or interesting to explore in fanworks. Obviously Scorptra was never going to be canon because Catradora is a thing, and I’m perfectly okay with that. And in canon, Scorpia getting out of a toxic friendship, moving on from her unrequited feelings, and finding love with someone else (who treats her right) is the right message to send, so I’m glad that’s where the show went. But when it comes to enjoying a ship in fanon (which is what I consider “shipping” to be), then I don’t pick my ships based on how healthy they are in canon, but on how much their dynamic fascinates me and just on whether that certain spark that makes me like a ship is there or not. And in that sense, Scorpia’s dynamic with Catra, which was explored over the course of 4 seasons, is just infinitely more fascinating and spark-inducing to me that her relationship with Perfuma.

And even beyond Scorptra - if I had to ship Scorpia with someone other than Catra, my first pick would be Entrapta. (Yes, I do ship Entrapdak, but like I said - multishipper here. Also, Entrapta has two hands!) And my first pick for who to ship Perfuma with would be Mermista because I like their bickering and I have a thing for opposites attracting.

Anyway, I’ve been rambling about ships for too long now. The bottom line is: I’m fine with Scorfuma being canon and it makes sense that they fit together since they’re very similar people. I don’t dislike it, I’m just not as hyped about it as many people seem to be. On with the episode now, please!

- “I guess I don’t know what a hermit is after all.” Yeah, Peekablue was giving off Double Trouble vibes from the beginning, tbh.

- I love how Netossa is competitive even at planning anniversary surprises.

- Perfuma loudly supporting Scorpia when she ends up on stage is a super nice moment, though. And Scorpia’s performance? Amazing!

- I wonder if Double Trouble made up that whole “She-Ra in space” vision because they were pretending to be Peekablue and just got it right by accident, or if they actually knew that much from their time pretending to be a clone. I wonder how much time they spent as a clone and what exactly they saw.

- Scorpia realizing it’s Double Trouble and then tricking and unmasking them was an amazing moment. So much for Scorpia not being smart!

- I was so excited to see Double Trouble again! Tough it makes me a bit said that they refered to Catra as their “cash kitten”. While they never made a secret out of being in it for the money, I kind of like the idea that they did care for Catra after all. (Do I just ship everyone with Catra? The answer is yes.)

DT: “I know where your friends are. And I’ll tell you - for a price, of course.”

Perfuma: *grows flower arm canon*

DT: “... Fine.”

😂😂😂 Love that.

- “It makes for a very dull audience when everyone’s mind-controlled.” Okay, but that really is a good reason for Double Trouble to help the heroes out without really changing their motivation. They’re still a Chaotic Neutral who doesn’t particularly care about morals - but it would make for a very dull audience if everyone was mind-controlled.

- “Prime is angry. She-Ra showed up and stole his little kitten away.” Like I said before, I LOVE that that’s the reason why Prime’s so pissed in the first place.

- The confrontation between Netossa and Spinnerella is so heartbreaking, but when she said “show me your neck” it again made me wonder why they didn’t check everyone’s neck at camp before.

- “What a shame we can’t be together... in Horde Prime’s light!” Ooohhh, it’s so creepy and angsty, I love it!

- And Mermista’s chipped as well because obviously things have to go south here.

- The parallel confrontations at camp and at the soiree are really cool scenes. I especially like the Spinnerella vs. Netossa fight. And Micah’s chipped as well, because things have to go wrong and Glimmer mentioned being “a day away from meeting her dad” - so obviously that has to be ruined now, too.

- “A little help? I need to lift my hand to the heavens.” Gosh, I love DT.

- Scorpia’s sacrifice made me tear up 😭. (When I first watched it, I was scared she was actually going to die and not just get chipped - I’d never have forgiven the show for that.)

- Can we talk about how strong Netossa actually is? She fought off both Spinnerella and Micah by herself, made a big enough net to cover all the chipped people, and got herself and Frosta out of there safely - I don’t want to hear anything about her powers not being strong again.

- “Happy anniversary.” Noooo, now I’m crying again... 😭😭😭 It’s so sad, but so romantic... (I really love that this season gave Spinnerella and Netossa more screentime. And I’m always here for some angst!)

- And finally, Perfuma is able to contact the group in space and warn them about the blockade. I really like that scene. I like that Perfuma specifically says “You need to stay away”, since we know what happened last time someone told Adora that. And the whole grim mood of Perfuma apologizing and saying the rebellion is compromised, the shaky pictures, the connection cutting off, and then the shot of the ship all alone in space and the silence - amazing. Basically, this episode was “things go very wrong on Etheria, and now the group in space has a serious problem”.

This was a good episode, overall. Like I said, the main reason I consider it weaker is because I care more about the group in space, and they were only here for one scene in the beginning and one in the end. But this was still pretty solid. It had some funny and sweet moments, and then some really cool and dramatic scenes in the end. And of course, it was a very important episode for the plot because things are now really not looking good on Etheria. My favourite moment was Catra sitting on Adora’s lap in the opening scene, though.

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everythingsinred · 3 years

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Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: The Anime (pt. 3)

The anime is a different species than the manga, something that frequently happens during the adaptation from page to screen. Since they’re so different, I’ll analyze them separately.

In the last two sections, we explored how the anime treated the start of NatsuMikan's relataionship, as well as how different the story can be with some added elements and feelings. In this part, I'll talk about some more manga divergence, with perhaps more of an emphasis on Natsume because there's some new themes added in regard to his story.

Episode 12 vs. Chapter 11

Another “filler” episode, filler in that the events are completely different than in the manga, is the 12th episode. Just like in the manga, Mikan finds out that her ability class is uninterested in participating in the culture fest, much to her dismay. She ends up spending the whole episode wandering around campus, watching her peers prepare but struggling to come up with something for her class to do. In the manga, she comes up with the idea for the culture fest on her own, but in the anime it’s a journey and it couldn’t have happened without Natsume. Whereas at this part of the manga, he can barely tolerate her, in the anime he already likes her and he helps her out in his own way.

“‘Tis but a flesh wound.”

She finds Natsume in the classroom by himself, reading his manga. She vents to him her frustration and admits her jealousy: his amazing alice has many uses at a culture fest while hers does not. He burns the tips of her hair but confesses that he’s not allowed to participate beyond being a spectator. When Sumire’s brother shows up looking for Hotaru, he finds Natsume and Mikan, insulting both of them but especially Mikan. Natsume sets his hair on fire and then tells her to go back and talk to her class. The back of his manga gives her the idea of the RPG, much to his chagrin since he winces when she thanks him for the help. He talks to her the whole scene, defending her from Permy’s brother and even helps her (indirectly) come up with what to do with the SA class.

They have so much in common, specifically about the culture festival, and Mikan realizes this and it’s part of the reason why Natsume sticks up for her here. Just like her, he knows how it feels to be excluded because of your ability class. The manga’s version of events seems a bit darker, but it’s hard to be depressed after the counterpart’s version, where Natsume and Mikan bond together over their shared struggles.

Although the class is on board with her idea, Jinno (again…) doesn’t let them participate, claiming that he wishes they couldn’t participate at all just like the DA class. The SA class gives up and Mikan blows up on them and runs away, running into Natsume, this time under a tree. She tells him she’s convinced that he’s lonely and wants friends, and she obviously doesn’t have any qualms with being a friend to him. She proposes the two of them spend the culture fest together, surprising him.

For all of their differences, after all, they’re more alike than they seem. Two outcasts befriending each other despite the school’s efforts to suppress their fun is empowering and uplifting and sweet. After all, despite how popular Natsume is, his worshippers mostly go along with whatever he’s doing and saying, rather than trying to find ways for him to have fun. For them, it’s more about getting Natsume to like them. For Mikan, it’s about getting him to smile, and that’s what sets her apart. She knows what he’s like, that he could easily tease her or insult her or cruelly reject her and yet she asks him anyway. She wants to include him in ways nobody else has, other than Ruka. You could easily see Mochu or one of his fan club members saying “Let’s ditch this anyway! Who cares! It’s lame anyway!” while Mikan gets to the heart of it. Natsume doesn’t actually think the festival is lame or boring. He just can’t participate and it hurts his feelings. “Let’s participate anyway,” Mikan says. “We’ll do it together because we’re both not allowed.” It’s what he actually wants someone to say to him, even if he won’t admit it.

If you look close enough, you can see Natsume’s little blush.

She says they’re both on their own, unable to participate. He tells her to go talk to her class instead and reconcile with them. Despite Mikan giving him an offer that he wants to accept, he tells her to do what’s best for her. She is upset about her argument with her class, and just hanging around with him won’t make her as happy as she would be if she made up with them. He’s not selfish at all--he doesn’t want her company if it comes at the price of her happiness. Furthermore, he’s not upset in the slightest that after the episode they no longer have “we’re not allowed to participate” in common. It’s still something they bonded over and it’s enough that she can have fun, even if he can’t. She is impressed by his ability to know what’s wrong and help her in his own way. There’s a growing affection between them, where Natsume values her optimism and cheerfulness, and she values his secret and subtle kindness. She’s learning to see his hidden acts of kindness for what they are and appreciating them when she recognizes them. And no, he won’t tell her anything about the DA class except that it’s different than the other classes, but he doesn’t get mad at her for asking. He wishes he could tell her. It’s just not an option. The crow disrupting the songbirds on the streetlamp is so metaphoric, it’s kinda obvious. But is the crow Natsume, who can’t have fun like the songbirds, or is the crow Persona, who ruins the fun he sees?

Genuinely I’m shocked that Natsume survived this emotional ordeal. How did he not go into cardiac arrest.

Right after Mikan’s departure an onlooking Hotaru asks Ruka if he's glad nothing happened, as if something would’ve happened. Their connection and softness is something perceptible, even from a distance. He’s different with her, and both Hotaru and Ruka can see it.

Then Natsume passes out, implying that he felt poorly during his conversation with Mikan but didn’t let it show, probably so she wouldn’t worry. Knowing that Natsume had earlier gone on a mission where he presumably gets shot in the side adds a new layer to their interactions. After all, he hadn’t told Persona what was wrong when he’d asked and Ruka was surprised too, so it can be assumed that Natsume went back to his dorm after the mission and then patched himself up. Seeing as he is only ten years old, it couldn’t have been that good of a patch-up, and he is still injured. Natsume was grouchy because of the culture fest and because he was dealing with agonizing pain all day.

Kitty, you better not be dead.

In any case, Mikan asking Natsume to hang out is a sign of Mikan warming up to him, and wanting to spend time with him. This can be contrasted with an event that happens around this same time in the manga, though Manga!Natsumikan still hate each other by the time the Culture Fest is announced. He likes her in the anime though, at this point in time, and his rejecting her invitation is not because he doesn’t want to hang out with her, but because she still has a chance to make things right with her class and have a fun Culture Fest without him.

The Reo Arc (Episodes 13, 14, & 15 vs. Chapters 13, 14, 15, & 16)

The Reo Arc (the arc that turns Natsume’s image of Mikan completely around in the manga) is a bit pointless in the grand scheme of things in the anime. Don’t get me wrong, it’s more or less the same story and it’s still fun to watch, but it holds a different weight in the manga. In the anime, he already likes her at this point, so his feelings don’t change much, though they might have gotten stronger and possibly even softer (he seems very angry at himself for liking her before this arc, probably to keep his character in line with the manga, and after the arc he is much less upset about his feelings... or maybe just as upset but for different reasons). The Reo Arc was much better done in the manga. It served two purposes: to make Sumire one of Mikan’s friends and, most importantly, to have Natsume start liking Mikan.

If he already likes Mikan, then the anime should’ve focused more on the purpose of having Sumire and Mikan become friends but the emphasis does not change. It stays focused on Mikan and Natsume, attempting to serve a purpose that has already been served. Plus, the intervention of Narumi and the SA class seems very silly and was done to fill up time in the episodes. I also don’t understand why the culture fest started while Mikan, Natsume, and Sumire were in Reo’s custody, since that wasn’t the case in the manga and it seemed like they changed things for no reason, not even revealing the impact of that change. Furthermore, they were forced by this arc to then include Reo in the Circus Arc, which was undoubtedly the worst mistake of the anime. After all, including a potential big bad who just disappears after he kidnaps three kids isn’t satisfying at all. Narratively, they had to bring him back again as a villain, but the way they did it was lackluster.

Of course, not everything has to have some thematic significance and not everything has to be finely tuned to still be good, but there’s little for me to analyze if it’s so unchanged.

Though there is one scene, before anyone gets kidnapped, that has plenty of stuff to analyze and is thematically important. Natsume has a nightmare of himself entirely shrouded in darkness and surrounded by people whispering about him. He runs, because it’s all he can do, begging people to leave him alone. It’s almost sad that in many ways, Natsume acts so cold because all he wants is for people to leave him alone and yet this behavior is for some quite appealing (hence he has a fan club he couldn’t care less about) or so repulsive that his upperclassmen bully him even more. The dream then shifts to Persona telling him he has a mission, so on top of bullying and ostracization and exclusion, he is also forced into the position of child soldier, doing unspeakable things for an organization that does not care about his safety in the slightest. That’s how he feels, really, like there’s just too much for him to handle, and not enough good to make up for it. He’s shouldering so much pain and has nobody to talk to about it. But then there’s a light! And Mikan’s voice calling for him! And he reaches for her, because it’s the first brightness we’ve seen in this dream, and the first he’s seen in a while.

Unfortunately, that’s not where the dream ends. Natsume can’t reach her. Persona’s grasp is too strong, and he gets pushed right back down into the darkness. This is the most important part of the dream, really, but the part that gets most overlooked. Mikan is Natsume’s light, but he’s not allowed to have her. Natsume’s particular brand of coldness and cruelty to Mikan is to protect her. His life is nothing but darkness and her being his light only illuminates him, while it would bring her darkness and possibly even dim her light. You can’t mix black and white without getting grey--his life would brighten and hers would fade. Moreover, Natsume is dying. He won’t get to be with Mikan, even if he wanted to, even if it wouldn’t ruin her. He doesn’t have time. By the time he gets close enough, he’ll be dead, and it would all have been a moot point.

So much misunderstanding about Natsume’s behavior stems here, from the mistaken belief that he is cold and cruel and mean and distant from Mikan because that’s just the way he is, rather than the way he has to be in order to protect people from himself. From his back story in the manga we see that Natsume was always a snarky, unsmiling kid, but he wasn’t like he was when Mikan met him. He had warmth, passion, life, and the school snuffed that out of him. If Natsume’s head weren’t held constantly under cold water, he’d have a much easier time making friends, having fun, and being happy. He might even give wooing Mikan a shot, because as it stands now, he is not even close to considering it.

Anyhow, the rest of the arc is very similar to the manga, so we’ll focus on that for the next essay. I will discuss this more when I analyze the manga, because those events stay the same but matter way more in terms of the manga.

Episode 16 vs. Chapter 18 & 19

Mikan and her SA class have a labyrinthian Aladdin activity, accomplishable only because of their unique alices, but at first no one wants to play. It takes Mikan’s friends--Ruka, Sumire, and Narumi--to make the attraction popular. I’ll talk more about this in the manga section because it means more in the manga and the anime adaptation didn’t change the original much. The analysis will be much more satisfying in context of the manga, anyway.

Episode 17 vs. Chapter 20 & 22

In the seventeenth episode, Mikan and co. visit Hotaru’s attraction--featuring Pigula from the manga and a little competition attraction featuring chickens. The one noteworthy Natsumikan moment is Natsume conceding that “everyone has to be good at something” when it turns out Mikan is pretty good at the game.

That seems like it could be a compliment, but considering that Mikan is athletically talented and cheerful, she is good at things beyond a chicken game. It just so happens that this game plays on her strengths. Silly Natsume. Later on, Mikan shows her compassion for the little boy who screws up his chicken and Hotaru’s backstory is unlocked. In this episode, the emphasis is on Hotaru and her brother. The manga explores different themes, including Mikan’s insecurity about her alice and not knowing what she wants to do with it, as well as Ruka’s feelings about his triple-star status.

There is one thing that really stands out in the anime that doesn’t have the same meaning in the manga. Earlier, Natsume and Mikan bonded before the culture fest about not being allowed to participate and when she asked if he wanted to hang out with her during it, he helped inspire her to make up with her friends instead. After beating the labyrinth, Natsume got three wishes from Mikan and one of them was to spend time together during the festival. He doesn’t exactly put it that way, in the manga or the anime, instead opting to wish that she’d carry his stuff around, but ultimately he wanted what she had offered: to spend time together during the culture fest. It makes him happy and makes his festival experience so much better, even if she is a downer for some of it.

Summary

This part of the anime, we discover some more information about Natsume. This new information adds new layers to his relationship with Mikan. The scenes the anime adds give the story some extra richness, like the dream he has at the start of the Reo Arc. Because of the addition of Natsume's perspective, we can see more clearly why he acts the way he does, but also why despite all his acting cool, he's still just a kid that wants to have fun and be happy, and why it crushes him that he's not allowed to be a child.

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evendeadlmthehero · 4 years

Text

The Sun and The Moon

(Kylo Ren x Reader)

Episode II: The Timeline of Romeo and Juliet Part Two

Summary: “You were one of the 12 Padawans that Luke Skywalker taught. There, you met the love of your life. Your first best friend, your first lover and your first Boyfriend; Ben Solo. Everything was perfect. That is, until the Jedi Temple was burned by Ben himself. 5 years pass since you last saw him and he isn’t the same man you used to know. The Moon preferred darkness and in that darkness, Kylo Ren was born.”

Warnings: swearing, masturbation and mental illness.

The Sun and The Moon Masterlist

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13 Years Old

“How do you win everytime?” Ben exclaimed as you won yet another game of Dejarik. You smirked at him, shrugging innocently.

You had your hair braided up into a bun, two single strands from either side of your hair released. One of the single strand was braided to symbolise that you were but a Padawan.

“A magician never reveals their secret,” you replied back, laughing at him. Both you and Ben were in your Jedi clothing. He had finished sparring with Almec and you with Leirra.

“You are definitely cheating,” Ben joked, leaning back on his seat with his arms behind his neck. “You’re using the force on me, right? You’re reading my mind? Trying to plot my next move?”

“You know I wouldn’t read your mind without your consent,” you replied back, chucking a pillow at his face. However, his reflexes were quick and he caught it with one hand.

“How about you read my mind now,” he spoke, leaning foward to look you in the eyes whilst placing the pillow down. “Tell me Y/N, what am I thinking right now?”

You leaned forward as well, looking at his face. You concentrated on his eyes, trying to extract what was going on in his mind. It was hard to read Ben’s mind when he knew you were reading it. When he was carefree and not paying attention, sometimes his thoughts were loud.

The anxiety, depression and isolated feeling that Ben always carried with him, you felt it all. And although you felt bad for intruding his thoughts, it wasn’t your fault. Ben had yet to learn how to conceal it. You could read minds, however for some reason with Ben, it came more at ease. It felt like you were both one mind.

You were the only one out of the Padawans who could read minds, only because you did not know Ben could do it. He still hasn’t said anything about the night he read your mind.

However, you were the only one who truly knew how to move objects with your mind. More specifically, elements. The Force was the balance. The balance of life is Water vs Fire and Earth vs Air. You learnt how to control those elements.

“I cannot live without you,” you heard Ben’s thoughts. You looked down at your lap, blushing. Ben smiled at you, staring intently at your face. He knew what you read from his mind, yet he wanted to hear those words leave your lips.

“So, what did you read?” Ben spoke, a little smirk on his face as you continued to blush, unable to look at him in the face. “C’mon Angel, tell me.”

You were about to speak until you felt an unfamiliar sharp pain in your lower abdomen. You let out a yelp, and Ben too hissed, grabbing his lower abdomen. You then felt something wet near your womenly parts. You got up from the seat, seeing a red bloody stain on the couch.

“Oh my god!” Ben yelled, rushing towards you as he grabbed you in his arms. He then looked at the blood on the couch, his eyes widening. “We- we have to get you to the medic!”

The blood on the couch, the excruciating pain in your stomach and Ben’s panic was enough for you to see dark spots appearing before you went limp in Ben’s arms, now unconscious.

“Y/N?” He called out, seeing your eyes closed. He felt tears well in his eyes before he carried you bridal style. He then ran out of your hut, rushing towards the medic bay. “C’mon Y/N, you’re fine. You- you can’t leave me, you can’t. You’re all I have.”

Ben continued to run in desperation, tears profusely rushing down his face. When he saw the familiar white, little hut, he barged in. “I need a medic! It’s an emergency!”

Two medics, the only medics in the island, quickly rushed into where Ben was holding you. They were both of the Caasami species, wearing a purple velvet robe. R2-D2 then came in whizzing, holding a stretcher before placing it near Ben.

“R2, go inform Master Luke!” The doctor spoke before the droid whizzed away. Ben gently laid you down on the stretcher, before the Caasami rolled you down into the medic room. Ben was following them around like a lost puppy.

As the Doctors placed you into the bed, Ben felt the sharp pain again, the same region that you had pain. Ben was confused, as he wasn’t bleeding like you were. The Doctors noticed he was in pain and nodded over to the chair next to them. “Take a seat over there, young Padawan.”

Ben shook his head, ignoring the sharp pains in his stomach. “No, no, no, you have to make sure she’s okay! You have to find out what’s wrong with her, not me! She’s- she’s all I have!”

The Doctors slightly recoiled at Ben’s harshness before they begun to examine you. The felt your temperature, checked your breathing and heart rate yet everything seemed normal. They then saw the blood that stained your pants and looked at each other.

“Wha- what’s wrong?” Ben asked, his breathing uneven as he watched the Doctors stare at each other. The Doctors then started to laugh hysterically, making Ben see red. He then took out his lightsaber, aiming at the two doctors who fell back in fright. “Do I look like I’m fucking laughing? Fix her or else I will have both your fucking heads on a pike!”

“Benjamin Solo put down that lightsaber right this instant!” Ben heard Luke’s voice below as he stood with his own lightsaber. Ben looked at Luke, his nose flaring as his grip tightened on his weapon.

“No! Not until those mongrels tell me why the fuck Y/N is bleeding from her genitals and having stomach cramps!” Ben voice bellowed. Luke stared at him before looking at the Doctors. He then fell into a hysteric fit, a booming laugh ringing across the room.

Ben looked at Luke in outrage, his heart pumping quickly. Here you were, the only person in the galaxy that cared about him, who gave him a purpose and took away all his anxieties, dying as Master ridiculed him.

Master Luke then calmed down, wiping the tear that left his eyes. “Young Padawan, I need to explain to you the life of being a women and their once a month experience.”

•

“So-so she was on her- what was the word again Master?” Ben spoke, whilst his hand was holding tightly around yours. You had woken up an hour ago but due to fatigue, you took a nap in the medic room.

“Period my son,” Master Luke answered for him.

“Perry-ad,” Ben pronounced incorrectly but Luke did not want to correct him. He didn’t need to and he didn’t want to cause him embarrassment. “And you say she will get pains and cravings?”

“Yes, she will.”

“Who gave her this? Has she been poisoned? I swear to you Master Luke, I will find out who has given her this atrocious disease and I will strike them down and-“

“It’s not a disease Ben, it’s natural, it’s part of life for a young woman her age,” Luke explained. Ben tilted his head towards the side in confusion. “Women go through this once a month. They bleed as a result of not being pregnant. However without it, Y/N cannot have children. Without her period, Y/N won’t have kids.”

Ben looked at you, imagining you with kids. In particular his kids. The thought had his heart fluttering and a smile forming on his face. He would be a great father, better than his, Ben had thought. He would be there for his child, not sending them out alone to a temple.

“Then I will try to satisfy her cravings and subdue her pain,” Ben had promised, nodding to himself as he saw your angelic face still sleeping. He then looked confused again, facing Luke. “I still have one question Master. Why did I also feel the same pain as Y/N?”

Luke’s face formed to one of confusion, before realisation and then anger. Pure anger. And rage. He got up from his position, towering Ben. “Tell me you didn’t, Ben.”

“That I didn’t what?” Ben asked, now afraid. Luke scoffed, shaking his head at him. He then let out a bitter laugh, looking at your sleeping figure.

“Out of all the people you could’ve formed a Jedi Bond with, a Jedi Soulmate with,” Luke spoke, clenching his fists in anger. “It just had to be Y/N.”

•

14 Years Old

Ben walked around the the temple, trying to search for you. You had both agreed to meet each other at the roof but you weren’t there so he had figured you were inside instead.

“Weird,” Ben muttered to himself when he realised you weren’t there either. He then decided to go to your hut instead. “Maybe she’s running late.”

Ben never needed to knock when he went to your hut, you guys were close enough that he didn’t need to. So he walked straight inside your hut without a care in the world.

“Oh my god!” You yelled, as you saw Ben walk inside unannounced. Ben’s eyes widened as he it dawned to him you were naked. Your whole torso and breasts were on full show as your hands tried to cover your pubic region.

Ben felt a weird feeling he had never experienced before. He felt his member twitch in his pants before growing painfully strong. Ben didn’t know what was happening to himself, before quickly bolting out of your hut.

He ran towards his hut, feeling the hardness of his cock restraining against his pants. He then barged into his hut and thankfully his roommate was nowhere in site. He then ran into the bathroom and locked the door behind him.

He was breathing heavily as he took of his pants and underwear. He watched in horror as his member sprang up and hit his lower abdomen. He then gulped, not knowing what to do.

His hand went carefully down to his member, trying to see what was wrong. As his fingers touched the tip, he let out a little hiss of pleasure. Red tinted his cheeks as he felt good.

He decided to try it again, this time holding his cock around his right hand. He then started moving his hand up and down, slowly before picking up the speed.

Ben started letting out little gasps of moans, feeling an unfamiliar pressure deep within him. This felt so good, Ben had thought.

He then pictured you naked, oh god you naked. That had made Ben let out a louder moan, pretending it was your hand doing the work.

“Y-Y/N,” Ben moaned out, moving his hand faster around his cock, precum oozing out of the tip. He then pictured you licking, kissing and swallowing it. He envisioned you sitting on top of him, riding his cock.

Soon enough, the thoughts got so filthy, Ben felt pressure release from his hips and cum spurt out from his cock.

He was a panting mess, sweat in his forehead. He looked at the chaos he had created on the floor and let out a sigh, thickly swallowing.

He then heard footsteps from outside before it came closer and soon enough outside the door. A knock was then heard from the bathroom door.

“Ben it’s me Y/N. I hope I didn’t scare you,” he heard your quiet voice. “I just got back to the hut late from practice with Leirra and I was quickly getting changed. If it’s not too late, we can still go to the roof top? If it’s fine with you?”

“It’s fine,” Ben called out, hoping his voice doesn’t sound too weird.

‘It was really fine,’ Ben had thought, grabbing tissues from near the sink as he begun cleaning the mess he had created.

•

16 Years Old

“Y/N hurry up, we’re going to be late for Daario’s 18th birthday,” Ben yelled out as he stood in the middle of your hut. It was a simple hut; a sofa in the middle with a carpet and a couple of books. Then there was two rooms, one for the bathroom and the other for the toilet. About only 10 people can fit into the living room, so the hut was pretty cramped. “Not that I wanna go, I hate the guy and pretty much everyone here. Except you. You’re alright sometimes-“

“Just wait a secound!”

“That’s what you said two hours ago!” He yelled back, before chuckling to himself. He then looked at himself in the mirror. He had a beige shirt, with the first four buttons open to reveal the beggining of his well defined chest. His hair was ruffled, his classic look. He also had black dress pants on with combat boots.

“Master Skywalker left to visit some resistant officers and will be back tomorrow, which means you don’t have to be the only person who doesn’t drink booze tonight,” Ben spoke, fixing his hair through the mirror. He did not hear you walk into the room. “Although I don’t want you to drink because it means I have to take care of you and-“

Ben stopped speaking when he saw your reflection from the mirror, his breath stuck within his throat. You wore a sheer, silk, tight-in-the-right-places red dress that touched the floor. It was off the shoulder and showed off cleavage and your collar region. Around your waist was a golden belt and you had golden bracelets lining your upper arm to match.

Your hair was done in a half-up half-down style, with the half-up being done in a complex braid. Your wore a deep red lipstick, one that had Ben’s thoughts in a filthy mess. “So, how do I look?”

Ben was speechless. He didn’t know what to say and he couldn’t form coherent sentences. To Ben, you were always a walking Goddess. He did not know why you someone like you had hung around with someone like him. You had him wrapped around your fingers. But right now? He wanted to pin you down and show you how he would’ve kissed you all those years ago if you waited a bit longer.

“You- you look-“ Ben stopped, his mouth still open. You blushed, looking down at your shoes. “Wow.”

Ben kept looking over your figure. It’s obvious that since you hit puberty, your body had matured. You had more curves and swells then Ben remembered.

“Uh- how about we head to the party now?” You suggested, your voice stuck in your throat. Ben quickly nodded, pulling down his shirt slightly to receive some air.

‘This is going to be a long night’, Ben had thought.

•

Music was filling the evening as every Padawan was dancing around the fire. The drums and laugher had filled Ben’s eardrums, as everyone was enjoying the 18th birthday of Daario, the second last person to turn 18 out of all of you, with you still being 16.

Ben watched as you danced around with Leirra; your sparring partner. You two had grown close since Master Luke had paired the both of you. She wasn’t as close as you and Ben, not by a long shot, but she was the one you went to for womenly advice.

You loved to dance, to have fun. Ben however was the opposite. He sat down, drinking down a non-alcoholic beverage whilst watching you. He didn’t want to be drunk so that he would be able to watch over you in case something unexpected happened.

He watched as you twirled around and laughed, your hair being blown by the wind. And Ben wasn’t the only watching. He watched as Almec too was watching you with a smile on his face.

It wasn’t a secret to Ben that Almec had a crush on you. Maybe a secret to you because you were blind to attention, but no secret to Ben. Ben hated Almec, always competed with him. He also found himself letting out his anger on him everytime the two had trained together.

Almec was truly in love with you, and Ben couldn’t blame him. He too had fallen hopelessly in love with you. But that didn’t stop Ben from being jealous everytime he tried to speak to you.

Ben and Almec were complete opposite. Ben had pale skin, raven-black hair and eyes whereas Almec was tanner with lighter eyes and hair. He was the perfect man. And maybe that’s why it made it harder for Ben. Because he was such a outgoing, loved man whereas he was quiet, with everyone being scared of him.

Ever since the bird incident, no one had tried to befriend him. Everyone was already scared of him. Everyone but you.

Ben felt a gaze on him, turning around to see Daario. Daario smirked before getting up, walking towards Ben’s direction. Ben let out a sigh, wanting to be left alone.

“Here we fucking go,” Ben muttered to himself before Daario walked over, taking a seat next to the Solo boy. Daario then looked over at you, watching you dancing.

“Beautiful isn’t she? Not a lot of girls here to compare her too but we all know she’s the most beautiful we’ll ever see in our lives. Tried to get with her last summer. But if there’s one thing I learnt,” Daario begun, watching as Almec tapped your shoulder before asking you to dance with him. You nodded with a blush, making Ben clench his fists. “Is that she looks past who she looks past.”

“What the hell does that even mean?” Ben shot him an annoyed look, taking a sip of his drink. Daario looked at him, handing him the beer he had. Ben looked at it before shaking his head. He picked up the drink and chugged it all down.

“It means that once she gives you a label, that’s it, you don’t have a chance,” he begun, his eyes watching you and Almec dance. He whispered something in your ear, making you giggle. Daario let out a chuckle at that. “She sees you as a brother, a best friend. She won’t fuck you.”

“Excuse me?” Ben slammed down the drink, now looking at Daario who still had an arrogant smirk on his face. “What the fuck did you just say.”

“That she won’t fuck you.”

“You better show some fucking respect for her before I knock your teeth out,” Ben warned, getting up from his seat. Daario kept sitting down, crossing his arms.

“Hey what’s wrong,” Almec had asked you when he saw you slow down your dancing. You shook your head, grabbing your chest as you felt anger, hatred.

“Ben,” you had whispered, looking over to see him. He was meters far away from you. You saw him yelling at Daario, but you couldn’t hear what he was saying. But you felt it. You felt the wrath, pain and jealousy. But the feeling you felt the most? Loneliness.

“I’m just saying man,” Daario continued, not phased by Ben’s towering figure over him. “She likes Almec. All your doing is getting in the way. And for what? She doesn’t want to fuck you, plain and simple. I mean, look at her right now? She’s basically pushing herself against him, trying to show off her fucking tits. She’s giving him blowjob eyes-“

Ben drew his fist back, punching Daario straight in the nose, a crack deafening sound following afterwards. The party went quiet as everyone watched on. Daario got up, ready to retaliate but Daario was never good with combat training. He ranked sixth out of everyone.

Ben grabbed him by the collar, lifted him up before slamming him against the floor. You let out a gasp, wanting to run over to him but you were held back by Almec. “Don’t. Ben’s too dangerous. Erratic. You’ll get yourself hurt.”

You looked at Almec, shaking your head at him, hurt by his choice of words. You then pulled away from him before running over towards Ben.

Ben kept hitting him in the face, blood pouring down Daario’s nose and staining his fists. He felt all the resentment, the betrayal and bitterness of his life come out.

‘Yes my Protigee, let it out,’ he heard a voice speak to him. Ben felt the voice encourage him as he continued to hit him. ‘Let all the anger and fear out on him. He’s worthless, a disgrace to the force.’

You watched in horror as Daario’s face was beyond comprehension, a hand covering your mouth. This isn’t Ben, this isn’t the Ben you know. “Ben stop! Please- just stop!”

‘End him,’ the voice encouraged him, drowning out your own. Ben felt adrenaline fill his veins as he lifted his arm up, using the force to pick Daario up from the floor. Daario begun coughing, unable to breath. All the Padawans were shocked as Ben was using the force to potentially kill someone.

Your blood ran cold as you saw the emotionless fire of his eyes. You watched as Daario gripped his neck, trying to desperately to allow oxygen to enter his lungs. Desperately clawing at his neck to have this all end now. You called out to Ben again with more urgency. But he didn’t listen to you. ‘Do it! End him now!’

“Ben stop you’re scaring me,” you spoke, making Ben freeze. Your breath was shaking, your heart beating a million miles per hour. You were scared out of your mind. For the first time in years, you finally found out what Master Luke, Almec and Leirra have been warning you about all these years. And yet, that still didn’t stop you. It only fuelled your passion to help him more. “Y-you’re scaring me Ben.”

Ben let out a small huff, before starting to breath heavily as he looked at Daario’s bloody face. The man was groaning, unable to breath. Ben felt your hand against his shoulder, making him put his hand down and drop Daario in the floor. Daario let out a wheeze, before gasping for air. “I- I don’t know what-“

“It’s okay.”

“I don’t- I don’t know what happened,” Ben shook his head. He felt the eyes of all the Padawans on him who haven’t spoken since the fight broke out. “I don’t- I don’t know what happened.”

“It’s okay Ben,” you whispered to him, your hand sliding down to grab his. “Let’s just get out of here, okay?”

Ben nodded, feeling you pull him. He let you guide him to wherever it is you were taking him. He didn’t know what had happen, all he wanted to do was give Daario a single punch. But something, someone, in his head had pushed him to go further. To murder him.

And the scariest thing was, Ben was so close to doing it. If it wasn’t for you, he would have gone with it.

•

It was quiet between you and Ben as you were silently cleaning his fists. There were cuts and bruises, as well as blood that you knew wasn’t his.

You used the force to draw out water from thin air before breathing onto it, creating ice that you moved towards his bruises. Ben watched you in awe at your uniqueness. But he wanted you to speak to him, to talk. He wanted to explain himself, why he did it. But the truth is, he didn’t know why he did it. He just knows that there’s a darkness within him and he’s scared.

“Y/N-“

“Stop,” you voice cracked, trying to fight back the tears that threatened to escape your eyes. “I don’t- I don’t want to talk about it.”

“But we have to,” Ben replied back, watching as you tried to distract yourself with cleaning his wounds, continuing to draw out water to turn into ice for his wounds.

“You scared me today Ben,” your voice trembled as you chucked away the tissue. He felt a sharp pang in his chest.

“That’s the last thing I want to do,” Ben whispered. You looked away from him, staring at the wall as you felt a tear escape your eye.

“Since the day you found the dead bird, I- I have been protecting you, defending you,” you spoke, biting the inside of your cheek. “Every time someone spoke horrible things about you, every time someone warned me to stay away, I defended you. Because I care about you Ben. From day one, you were the only one.”

“And you’re the only one I care about,” Ben replied back, his eyes welling up with tears. But they didn’t fall. He didn’t let them.

“But you proved to them why I should stay away from you,” you sniffed, wiping your eyes. “So tell me Ben, why shouldn’t I stay away from you?”

“I can’t tell you why, but I can tell you the truth,” Ben spoke, getting up from his seat. “I have a darkness within me. I know you know that. I didn’t want to kill Daario, but a voice within me was encouraging me, tempting me. And I thought I- I was going to do it. But- but as soon as I heard your voice, I stopped. You bring out the light in me. You don’t need me. I don’t add value to you. But you do to me. So I’m begging you Y/N, don’t leave me. Don’t leave me like everyone else did.”

“How long has this voice been in your head?” You asked him. Ben looked down, a look of shame washing his eyes. You grabbed his jaw, making him look at you. “How long Benjamin?”

“Since I was four,” he admitted, a single tear escaping his eye. “That’s why my parents sent me here. They- they saw me-“

Ben stopped, shaking his head as he was too afraid to speak, afraid that he might scare you away. “Saw you what Ben?”

“I- I heard a voice. It told me to-“ Ben let out a small huff, trying to stop himself from crying. He grabbed his hand, rubbing circles. This had calmed him down the slightest. “It told me to kill my father.”

“Did you do it?” You asked him. Ben looked up, shaking his head at you. “Doing something and thinking something are two different things. You’re not a bad person. You’re just fighting the light versus the dark. And no one can blame you. Your grandfather went through the same thing. But Ben if you ever feel the darkness again, please come talk to me. Whether it is the middle of the night, early morning or even when I’m dead. I want you to try to speak to me. Promise?”

You rested your forehead on his. Ben closed his eyes, trying to savour this moment. “I promise.”

You closed your eyes too, trying to feel the moment. Your hand went to his cheek, brushing against it softly. You then opened your eyes. “Look at me Ben.”

Ben opened his eyes to see you already staring back. He felt himself in the trance, your eyes captivating. His heart was hammering against his chest and he could feel yours too. “I love you Benjamin Solo.”

You didn’t give him time to respond as he felt your lips against him. Ben was taken back, but this time he was determined to respond. He lifted his hand, grazing your jaw. He felt the softness of your lips against his.

His tongue traced the bottom of your lip before entering. His hands went lower before it stopped right above your bum, pulling you closer towards him. He felt your chest rub against him, making him kiss you even harder.

After a couple of minutes, you both pulled back, gasping for air. Ben studied your face for any regret but found none. He smiled, feeling absolutely blissful. This was his first actual kiss, and boy did he enjoy it. He looked at you with such an adoration and intensity that your whole face went red. He always made you feel like he worshipped you.

“And I love you, Y/N. I’ve always loved you.”

Taglist (CLOSED)

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#star wars #ben solo #ben solo x y/n #ben solo x you #ben solo x reader #kylo ren #kylo ren x y/n #kylo ren x you #kylo ren x reader #star wars imagine #jedi #luke skywalker #kylo ren x oc #ben solo x oc #adam driver #adam driver x reader #adam driver x y/n

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theycallmebeccawrites · 4 years

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Chris & Ellie Series: Episode 23

Hello lovelies! Hope you guys are having a good day and if not.. I hope tomorrow is better for you. I went back and forth between posting this episode today or waiting until next week...but y’all know I can’t wait... just waiting this long has been killing me haha.

Anyway, with this episode the focus of the main episode (vs the half episodes) is switching to Chris while Ellie will be the focus of the half episodes. That will end once they’re back together again! How long will that be? You’ll just have to wait and find out. 😏

Enjoy this episode, it’s a long one (for me at least). And I’ll catch y’all next time.

xoxo Becca xoxo

Pairing: Chris Evans x Ellie Spencer (OFC)

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: language

Episode Summary: Chris and his buddies in Las Vegas following the filming of Avengers two.

Disclaimer: This work of fiction is not to be reposted, used or translated without my permission.

This episode can also be read on AO3.

The Chris and Ellie series is primarily chronological. It begins with a flash forward to 2016 and has a few other scenes in the future. However, the majority of their story is told in chronological order starting in 2013 and going through 2017. Each episode starts with a date to help you place it within the story.

The Chris & Ellie Series Masterlist | Chris & Ellie Masterlist

Episode 22.5

Episode 23: Viva Las Vegas

September 2014

Ready for a night on the town, Chris sat on the sofa in the main living area of the penthouse that he had rented for himself and his friends in celebration of Brock and Tessa expecting their first baby.

Having come straight to Las Vegas after filming had wrapped on the second Avengers movie, Chris had been in town since last night while his friends had only arrived from LA that afternoon. He'd taken the master bedroom and had left the other four to figure out sleep arrangements for themselves. There was always a fight, but in the end, they all usually crashed on the closest bed available regardless of the decisions made earlier in the evening.

90's club music played on the penthouse sound system, making Chris feel more comfortable. It had all been too big and too quiet last night when he'd arrived. He'd planned to just go straight to bed, but that had been derailed when he'd gone into the ensuite bathroom and saw the large bathtub. His thoughts had instantly gone to Ellie and her love of taking baths; specifically, in the large soaking tub in his bathroom at home.

With his mind plagued with thoughts, he'd spent thirty minutes swimming laps in the private pool before taking a shower in the guest bathroom and going to bed, with the doors to the ensuite closed.

"Do you want to talk about it?" a voice asked from behind him.

Pulled out of his thoughts, Chris turned and saw Chucky Kellie standing in the doorway.

Not sure what to say, Chris stayed quiet, but Chucky took that as an invitation to join him.

"Tanya talked to Ellie," Chucky explained. "They invited her to the baby shower back in July. She said that you guys broke up."

"You and Ellie broke up?" another voice piped in.

"I was wondering why you looked like someone had stolen your favorite stuffed animal," a third voice said.

A grunt followed that comment and Chris didn't have to look behind him to know that Bryant had just elbowed Ray in the stomach for his remark.

"Are you guys going to go into the room or are we going to just stand here all night?" the last of his friends, Brock, asked.

Their arrival had given Chris time to think about whether or not he wanted to talk about the Ellie situation. He knew if he said he wasn't ready, they'd all go along with it and they'd go out to dinner and do a bit of gambling just like they'd planned. But even he knew it was time, past time, in fact.

Ever since that fateful day in front of his house, he'd made a point to be honest with himself even if the truth hurt. It had been easier, he supposed, thousands of miles away and busy with work. But now he was officially on a break from filming until the new year. It had seemed ideal, when he'd been planning it, to have fall and winter to relax and get back a sense of peace. But now that it had started, it seemed almost overwhelming. Especially since he had yet to decide where he was going to spend said time off.

One of the guys cleared his throat, subtly reminding Chris that they were all waiting for him to decide if he was up to talking about it or not.

Sighing, Chris said, "Ellie and I broke up."

The lack of reaction made him wonder if they'd all already known. He hadn't known Tanya to be a gossip, but he supposed she would have had to explain Ellie's absence at the baby shower to the other wives. Said wives would have then passed on the information to their husbands and then everyone would have known.

"Did she break up with you?" Ray probed, gently.

"It might have been easier if she had," Chris mused, defeatedly.

The time had come, he realized, to divulge everything that had been going on in his head and in his relationship with Ellie to someone else. As odd as it seemed, the words started coming to him easier than he thought they would. He supposed it was because, while his friends knew Ellie, they had been his best friends since before he'd been famous. They always had his back.

He knew Scott did, too. But it was different.

At the end of the day, Chris knew that his brother would choose him over anyone else that came between them. But when it came to Ellie, Chris knew she had a special bond with his brother. Scott had been with them virtually every setup of the way as they'd gone from being friends to more. And now Scott had been by Ellie's side through the aftermath of it all.

"The first time Ellie and I met," Chris found himself telling his friends. "I was completely naked." He'd never planned to share that story with anyone, but with these four, he felt like he needed to be honest and start at the beginning.

As expected, the four idiots spent a good five minutes laughing after he shared how he and Ellie had met when his mom had hired her as a housekeeper behind his back.

Once they'd calmed down, he continued the story. How he and Ellie had only spent a few weeks with each other before they'd had to share a bed not once, but twice. Then how the two of them, and Scott, had gotten close watching sports and spending time together.

"Wait, let me get something straight," Bryant interrupted. "Are you saying that the two of you hadn't even kissed when we had the kickoff party?"

"We hadn't," Chris confirmed and then followed it up with, "Did it seem like we had?"

His friends exchanged looks before Brock said, "We thought the two of you had been dating when you brought her to the wedding. Your chemistry…"

"What Brock is trying to say, is that you and Ellie seemed like you'd already known each other for a long time when we all met her," Chucky said, cutting in. "The two of you just looked so at ease."

"Even Kady and I noticed," Ray chimed in. "And we spent maybe 5 minutes with you guys."

"And then the way you two were sassing each other at the kickoff party," Bryant added.

Chris nodded as their comments brought to mind one of the fears that had plagued him; that everything had been too easy from the beginning with Ellie.

"It was easy, easier than it had ever been with anyone I've ever dated," he admitted to them. "Ellie and I spent a lot of time at home watching sports. Scott was with us most of the time, but not all the time. We just fell into an easy pattern and then I kissed her at Fenway Park after the Red Sox won the World Series."

"DUDE!" Ray exclaimed, making them all laugh. "Sorry, but that's just awesome." Considering Chris knew that Ray and Kady had met at a Dodgers game, he wasn't surprised his friend felt that way.

"Is that when you two started to officially date?" Brock asked, redirecting the conversation.

Chris shook his head and then chuckled at the memory. "She returned the kiss," he said. "But then she hid from me the next day. And then we went to a Halloween party with my brother and younger sister. I cornered her in a room and made her talk to me." Realizing how bad that sounded he quickly continued, "I mean, I waited for her to get out of the bathroom and asked her if we could talk."

Ray made kissing noises and Chris threw a pillow at him.

"Did you two kiss that night?" Chucky prompted and then smirked when Chris's face flushed.

"Fuck you all," Chris grumbled as they laughed. "Yes, fine. We made out and we might have gone farther if another couple hadn't barged into the room."

Ray let out a catcall.

"How are you married?" Brock asked him.

"Kady loves me," Ray said with a shrug. "But back to story time, Evans. Is that when you two started hooking up?"

Chris shook his head. "She went back to LA the next day and I stayed back east," he told them. "But after kissing her, I knew I wanted to kiss her again. And I really missed her. We had been spending so much time together and then suddenly we weren't. I mean, we texted a lot, but it wasn't the same."

"And when you said you wanted to kiss her again, you mean you wanted to date her right?" Bryant asked.

"Yes, definitely," Chris replied though he felt his heart twinge at the memory. He'd been so convinced last fall that he and Ellie were meant to be together. "She hadn't been so sure. She didn't want to ruin our friendship if it didn't work out."

Those words sucked the humor out of the room and out of the corner of his eyes, he saw his friends straighten. Shit was getting real now.

"I told her that it would be ok," he said with a sigh. "That we owed it to ourselves to explore our feelings. Because she told me she liked me, too." He told them about Ellie's encouragement while he was directing his movie, how he'd encouraged her to submit her resume for an editing job and how she'd told him over the phone on Christmas Eve that she wanted to give them a try.

He didn't get graphic in the details of what had happened in January, but he confirmed that he had taken her up to the bed and breakfast for a romantic getaway. And that he'd helped her celebrate the Seahawks' Super Bowl victory.

"So what happened?" Brock asked him. "When we saw you guys at the Super Bowl, you could hardly keep your hands to yourself. But then at the premiere…"

"They were secretly dating," Chucky reminded him. "He couldn't have his hands all over her."

"Obviously, but Brock is right, things weren't the same that night," Bryant argued before he looked at Chris. "Did something happen?"

"Other than getting messed up in my own head, no," Chris admitted. He sighed and told them about his journal. He knew that Chucky knew about them, after all the two of them had shared a bedroom at one point, but he didn't know the full context of them.

"And you completely shut her out when you got home?" Brock said with a frown after Chris told them.

Chris nodded. "I was so stuck in my own head, I didn't know what to do," he confessed.

The joking from earlier had stopped now that he'd gotten into the serious part of his tale. They'd been through situations like this with him before and he trusted that they'd pull him back from going too far.

Taking a deep breath, he dove headfirst into the abyss that was the downfall of his and Ellie's relationship.

"I wanted to be with her," he told them. "But at the same time, my head kept telling me that it wasn't the right time to be in a real relationship. She didn't press me to get out of the house, to go out in public with her. So we were able to keep it a secret."

He should have taken her out. He realized that now. He shouldn't have kept her a secret.

"Then everyone came for the premiere and there I was, dating someone my mom really liked and I couldn't bring myself to even tell my mom about it," he continued. "My mom isn't stupid though. I'm sure she knew what was going on. But I couldn't bring myself to say anything about it. And I don't know if Ellie wanted to tell her or if she was just following my lead on the whole situation."

He should have told his mom. She would have been happy for them both.

"And the real kicker is that I had to watch my sister introduce my girlfriend to my dad," he said. "It should have been me. That should have been a special moment for the three of us. But I just… I couldn't."

He felt a hand squeeze his shoulder, offering him strength with his confession.

"Tara figured it out and said she approved," he told them. "Then I went on the press tour… and came home to find Ellie's older sister and her husband in town. They weren't staying at the house, but we had dinner with them. I liked them and I thought they liked me, too. But then the next night…"

He paused to gather his thoughts, because it was getting harder for him to talk about it all now. He thought he'd gotten past the pain, but it had been simmering under the surface.

"The next night, Ellie had a fight with her sister, who didn't like that she was living in my house, working for me and sleeping with me," he explained. "She offered Ellie money to help her find her own place. Ellie didn't take it well and she came home upset. She told me about it…"

"And it fed into the fears you already had in your head," Brock surmised.

Chris nodded then explained, "I pulled away again, but not completely. It wasn't fair to Ellie. I see that now. I wasn't there for her, but I wanted her in my bed and to be there for me."

He felt a mixture of shame and relief as he admitted it out loud.

"She tried to get through to me, but I was so stuck in my head," he sighed. "Then I had a bad dream and made a huge mistake. Easily the biggest mistake of my life." He took a deep breath, trying to work up the courage to explain.

"Here," Ray said, tapping his hand with a shot glass filled with liquid. "I think you need this."

Chris accepted the shot and tossed it back. It burned, but it was almost a welcome relief.

"Do you need a break?" Brock asked him. "We can order room service."

Chris wanted to say no, wanted to continue, but he knew he needed a break.

"Get me a burger," he told Brock. "I'm going to get some air."

Getting up, Chris went outside to the private balcony. Somehow, they'd managed to create a relaxing outdoor oasis in the middle of Las Vegas and hundreds of feet in the air.

While he felt better getting stuff off his chest, he knew the worst was yet to come. He knew his friends wouldn't judge him for his actions, but he didn't know if any of them could mask their disappointment in him.

Hearing the door open behind him, Chris looked over and saw Brock. "We ordered dinner, they said it would be about forty minutes. We told them not to rush since we're nobody special."

A chuckle escaped Chris's lips. His friends were part of the reason he was who he was. They helped keep him grounded.

"You ready?" Brock asked him.

"No, but I want to get it over with," Chris replied. "Do we have beer?"

"Ray and Bryant were popping tops when I left the other room," Brock told him.

Chris followed his friend back inside and to the main living area. Sure enough, five beers were sitting on the coffee table with a bag of chips.

"Thought we might want a snack," Chucky said with a shrug.

Once they were all settled, Chris continued his story. "I had a dream that Ellie and I were together and we had a kid. But she was leaving me because I couldn't give her enough time because of my job," he told him. "And in the dream, she said she should have listened to her sister."

"Fuck," Ray breathed.

"Add the dream to my other thoughts and it was the making of a bad situation in my head," Chris said with a nod.

"So what was the mistake?" Bryant asked cautiously.

"I left," Chris told him. Then clarified. "In the middle of the night. Without saying anything to her."

"Dude…" Ray said, his voice laced with disbelief.

"And when you say you left?" Brock prompted.

"I packed my suitcase and left early for filming," Chris replied.

"Fuck," all four of his friends chorused.

"What did Ellie say when you two talked?" Brock asked him.

Chris didn't say anything as he felt his stomach churning. He focused on the beer bottle in his hand as he tried to will back the emotions that were bubbling just under the surface.

"Chris, please tell me that you and Ellie have talked," Brock said, quietly.

"I can't," he whispered as he blinked back his tears. "And now it's too late."

"What do you mean it's too late," Ray demanded.

"It's been 5 months," Chris said with a shrug. "I thought she was just mad at first. Which I understood, but I thought she'd at least make sure I was ok. And then when she didn't…" He took a shaky breath. "I texted Scott, checking on her. And that's what really ended it. I shouldn't have involved him and I did. And it's a fucking disaster now."

A part of him wanted to stop there, but he knew he couldn't. "I went to see her at the end of July when I found out she was moving out of my house," he explained. "There was a guy with her. And it was clear that she'd moved on."

"Clear how?" Bryant asked, his question immediately followed by a grunt of pain. "Fuck off! It was an honest question. I mean if he saw her making out with some guy, then yeah, she moved on. But if it was just a hug, maybe it was just innocent."

"I didn't stay long enough to see them kissing," Chris told him. "I told the driver to leave as soon as I saw them hugging."

A knock on the door of the penthouse saved him from having to answer any more questions. At least at that moment. He knew his friends wouldn't let the conversation stop there.

Once the food was rolled in, they migrated to the dining table to eat their dinner. Chris was silent as he ate, but the other four made small talk.

It wasn't until an hour later, when they were taking turns playing pool that Chucky asked, "Let's pretend Ellie hadn't moved on for a second. If you knew she was still single, what would you do?"

"I don't know," Chris admitted. "I fucked up."

"Forget that for now, too," Chucky said. "How do you feel about Ellie right now?"

"I think I'm in love with her." The words came out of Chris's mouth without a second of thought. They caught even him off guard, but as they settled, he realized that it was the truth. He'd spent the last six months listening to his head and ignoring his heart. Clearly, his heart had known what was really going on.

"Does that change anything for you?" Brock questioned.

"Yeah," Chris said with a nod. "But not in the way you think. I didn't treat Ellie like I should have. If this guy she is with now is treating her like she should be treated, what right do I have to ruin that for her?"

"But you love her," Ray retorted.

"Isn't there a saying about how sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them go?" Chris said with a small shrug. "Besides, I'm spending the fall and winter back home in Sudbury."

"You are?" Bryant asked. "Since when?"

"Just decided," Chris replied. He shook his head. "I can't go back to the house in LA. There are too many memories there that I'm not sure I'm ready to process."

He saw his friends exchange looks but in the end they all nodded.

"Just know we're here if you need us," Chucky told him.

"I know, thank you," Chris said.

A few days later, Chris went home to Massachusetts and his mom's house. It took him a few days to settle in and to fit himself into the rhythm of the household, but he knew it was the best place for him to be.

It was at the start of his second full week that his mom had gotten the email from Ellie that he had suspected was coming: her two weeks’ notice. His mom had forwarded him the email, since it concerned his house, and he hadn't planned on reading it at all. Then, he'd woken up in the middle of the night with a sudden urge to hear Ellie's voice. He knew he couldn't call her, but he knew reading the email would let him hear her in a way and maybe offer him some closure.

Dear Lisa,

I want to thank you for taking a chance on me last year. You could have hired anyone to be the housekeeper and we both know there were people more qualified than I am. Instead, you chose me and for that I am eternally grateful.

Between my hours at the bookstore and my editing jobs, I find myself running out of hours in the day and during the week. Given that Scott is living in Chris's house permanently, I feel like it is time for me to move on from my job there.

Thank you again for taking a chance on me. It was the kindness of yourself and your family that helped me get to where I am now, finally doing the job I always dreamed of.

Sincerely,

Ellie Spencer

A bittersweet feeling came over him as he closed the email app on his phone. Setting the phone back on the bedside table, he stared up at the dark ceiling. He'd hoped to find relief in reading her words, but he hadn't. Instead, he longed to actually hear her talk. To hear her laugh.

As he remembered her laughter, a small smile tugged on his lips. It wasn't one of those melodic ones that people rave about. It was a real laugh. The kind of laugher that included snorts, wheezes and a fully body response. God, he'd loved making her laugh.

Sighing, Chris rolled onto his side. While his mom thought Ellie was just too busy to go to the house, he knew the truth. Ellie was cutting all her ties to him, and after everything he had put her through, he couldn't say he blamed her.

Then his thoughts went to his brother. What would this all mean for Scott's relationship with Ellie? Would she cut him off, too? He hoped she wouldn't and not only for the selfish reason of knowing how she was doing. No, he knew that she was an important person in his brother's life and Scott deserved the best.

Episode 23.5

Want to find me off tumblr? I'm @beccatheycallme on twitter. I also post my stories on AO3.

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ichika27 · 3 years

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The World Ends with You

(Yeah, it’s the same screenshot I used for my post about ep. 1. I couldn’t get a new one so...)

Ah, first week without the TWEWY anime to look forward to. I’m actually kinda sad cause I’d miss waiting for the episode every Saturday night (Ani-One posts theirs on that day here). I have some stuff I wanna say about the anime so I thought I’d make one of these plus this is a good way to end the twewy anime blog post series I make every week. I’ll try not to spoil until the very bottom of this post which will have a spoiler warning.

Also, this will be very long and rambly as most of my fandom posts are haha.

Story:

A boy named Neku wakes up in the middle of Shibuya with no memory and finds himself as a player in the Reaper’s Game. For a week he must partner up with a girl named Shiki and both of them must complete missions, battle creatures called noise, and survive as failure meant erasure.

Characters:

Neku Sakuraba - our main protagonist who somehow lost his memories and is now playing the Reaper’s Game. He’s a loner who isn’t too keen on getting close to anyone let alone working alongside anybody - unfortunately for him, it’s a requirement if he wants to survive. As a player he has an assortment of abilities to fight off noise and other enemies (in the game this meant he can use a lot of different pins).

Shiki Misaki - the nice and friendly Shiki becomes Neku’s partner in the Reaper’s Game. Unlike Neku she has knowledge of the game and fills Neku in on things he doesn’t understand. Her ability is to control her stuffed toy called Nyantan/Mr. Mew which she uses in combat.

Beat - the tough skateboarding player, he’s somewhat more like the typical hot-blooded shounen protagonist when compared to Neku. He’s protective of those he care about especially his game partner, Rhyme. He uses his skateboard in battle.

Rhyme - Beat’s game partner who is a lot kinder and calmer than him. Rhyme tends to be the one to reason with Beat when needed and the two are always seen together.

Yoshiya Kiryu - a mysterious boy who seem to know more than he lets on and acts at times acts suspicious. He prefers to be called by the nickname Joshua.

Sanae Hanekoma - a cafe owner who helps out Neku and the others and would give them advice. His advice prove to be very helpful and Neku takes them to heart. Seem to have a lot of knowledge about the Reaper’s Game but doesn’t seem to be a reaper himself.

Thoughts:

(I tried my best to not be spoilery in the character descriptions so some names weren’t written in full)

The World Ends with You (or in the original Japanese “Subarashiki Kono Sekai”/It’s a Wonderful World) is an anime based on the video game of the same name. It had to compress an entire game’s worth of story within it’s 12 episode run which meant they cut out a lot of things and combined some scenes to quickly run through them. It’s theme song is the anime version of the game’s original OP “Twister” although this wasn’t what was originally planned but an incident involving the band who sang the original theme forced them to make changes. The original voice actors from the game also reprised their roles for the anime. The series is created to be watched before the release of the long-awaited sequel game.

The art style is made to be similar to it’s game version (with a bit of change to adapt it as an anime like when it comes to body proportions). They also retained the effect of the characters from the UG (players/reapers) being brightly colored while those from the RG having darker/muted colors. While the noise are obviously cg, I personally liked this since they’re said to be from a different plane anyways so it’s a nice contrast to those from the UG and RG. They had to update the setting though as years had passed since the original game’s creation and they had to model anime version of Shibuya to what it’s real life counterpart now looks. The characters are also given smartphones instead of the flip phones they had in the game (anime-only watchers who are gonna play the game would have to get used to them still using flip phones though lol).

Okay so story-wise... it’s rushed. Of course it is. They shortened it so that what’s left would mostly be important plot points from the main story but they cut out many scenes that consist of character interactions and several little things that could’ve fleshed out the characters more. The gameplay is also made simpler with some mechanics taken away and the mini games weren’t adapted (RIP to Reaper Creeper and Tin Pin Slammer, especially the latter as you’re severely missed). The game boast an assortment of characters and some NPCs have their own stories but due to the anime’s limited run time, they had to either be cut out (and are just given cameos) or given smaller roles (and their stories weren’t adapted). They did, however, give a few bits and pieces of information that weren’t in the game such as some details about certain characters and one supporting character was given a bit more screentime that they did in the game version.

Despite the rushed nature of the series (which may or may not affect how one views the story itself), the anime made sure to adapt several important scenes and the dramatic stuff is made worse... like, they really had to make some deaths harder to take. The battle scenes were nice as well although my biggest complaint about them is that the boss fights were over too quickly. There were scenes that were changed for the anime version and there are those that I liked and those I didn’t but there are many which I think was as good as the game’s version.

Do I recommend the anime? The game is better, the characters and story are more fleshed out and the way the character/relationship development happens is better paced so of course, me, biased already would tell you to play the game instead if you haven’t yet. Do I recommend those who played the game to watch the anime? Yes! Yes I do. I think the anime is better watched when you’ve played the game and know the stuff that they cut out cause it’ll make better sense that way. Plus I found it enjoyable seeing the scenes from the game animated and the characters are speaking whole dialogues and moving. It’s great!

Even if the anime wasn’t perfect, like I mentioned before, they did their best to condense the entire main story in a 12 episode series and it tried to be as faithful as it could to the original story so despite the deviations when it comes to how things got to the way they did, if you summarize important plot points, they would be the same (with some details changed). Overall, it was very enjoyable and it wasn’t as bad as I feared when I heard how many episodes the anime was going to have.

Some spoiler thoughts:

It would’ve been better if the anime had more episode count than just 12. Cramming a 3 week story of game into just 12 made the thing very rushed with Week 1 only getting three episodes, Week 2 getting four, and final Week getting five. They had to get to the good stuff so they cut off a lot of scenes where the characters are interacting with each other which means they suddenly get character developments and relationship developments too quickly. It might not be that obvious to anime-only watchers but to me, it felt kinda sudden and it feels like it doesn’t work out well story-wise since Neku had to learn how to trust other people and make friends and with how he started vs. how he came out of it contrasting each other.

By the way, they made the characters look good in the anime. Especially Joshua. Have you seen Joshua? He’s so pretty in the anime. I want a picture of him I could stare at anytime I want to (I do not own a phone, sadly).

I like how they gave Eri more scenes though and that they changed her outfit for the anime so she won’t look exactly like UG!Shiki. All of her scenes though made me feel like I wish the anime gave closure to Shiki’s own story by showing us her and Eri making up. Another scene I liked in the anime is Neku’s fanboying of CAT when he finds out the truth. It was adorable.

Some info was taken away from the anime. Beat and Rhyme leaving home had scene dialogue and unlike Beat just narrating it in-game but they didn’t mention specifically why he was angry and his trouble at home. Joshua wasn’t present when Sota and Nao gave Neku a pep-talk either which is a shame cause I think that helped Josh as well.

I mentioned before how the anime made things go too fast. They cut off chunks of not-main-plot story that let the characters interact with each other more which means each game day is shortened as well. I think it made sense that Neku wakes up at the scramble in the end and not stressed out because he didn’t go through as much as his game counterpart did. That said, game Neku learned a lot from more than just the main cast in the game compared to the anime so I like his character development in the game better.

They took away Tin Pin Slammer. I am sad and disappointed. I was hoping so bad for Another Day to be adapted even if it’s an OVA. That and the ramen incident are part of Josh’s week which meant some side of him wasn’t shown (I mean, anime fans don’t know he wasn’t there on week 3 since he’s busy playing a kid’s game elsewhere and how he could talk about food like he is from a cooking anime). Speaking of Josh, they made him very suspicious from the get-go in the anime. I understand as there’s a limited run-time and they can’t really afford to be subtle about it but it meant some of the fun interactions with Neku is gone and so are some scenes where they actually got along. At least they had ice cream together, I guess?

(I have more to say when it comes to Joshua cause he’s my fave character but this is long and my thoughts on it would make this way longer. I might make another post.)

In the end, it wasn’t perfect but the anime was fun and enjoyable enough that I found myself looking forward to it every week. Seeing scenes I recognize from the game in animated form (with voice acting!) felt exciting and awesome. I’ll miss this show and I still wish it was longer.

If you’ve read this far well, thank you. And also I’m confused why but still hopefully that was a good time-killer. I have so many other things I wanted to comment on but that’s for another time. Maybe.

#Subarashiki Kono Sekai #subaseka #the world ends with you #twewy #sana_post

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fizzingwizard · 3 years

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Episode 26 already! I can’t believe we’re about halfway through... This episode seems to be end point for the current “arc,” or “mini arc,” maybe?? I’m not sorry to see it go but overall, this episode was pretty eh... Not bad, just kind of... I don’t get why we needed it. A fair few REALLY important things do happen! Those are awesome! I just think we could have got them in a more... interesting... way? xD Like, I didn’t hate watching it or anything, it just kind of felt like, with all the important stuff going on, shouldn’t there be more... oomph? (And I know we had a ton of oomph lately, it’s about time to wind down for a while... but then why pick now to spring certain things on us... anyway...)

Pic of the day!

generic group shot that captures each Chosen’s individual fighting spirit!

Koushirou: *intent focus*

Sora: *look of concern*

Jou: *I must have learned something in school that will be useful here*

Mimi: *Jou thinking always makes me nervous and a little grossed out*

Recap below!

So last week I’m pretty sure I vowed to violently murder someone in a back alley (or something like that) if we didn’t get to see the gang eat some FOOD this episode.

Well, looks like y’all are safe from me for now. Though I gotta say, I’m mildly concerned that they are eating Digi-eggs. Don’t those look like Digi-eggs? Other than the random very normal looking grapes...

Thank HEAVENS they are taking a BREAK.

Taichi uses his telescope to remark that Cloud Continent is not only a continent in the clouds, but it sure looks small from down here. Leomon admits he’s not really sure what’s going on anymore either xD

Leomon’s mainly weirded out by Patamon, who... I suppose just doesn’t fit the bill for what he expected the holy Digimon to be like :P lol

Ok so quick aside... I’m honestly kinda peeved that we’re still with Leomon’s silly group of clowns. I know that sounds harsh! And I love Leomon! But his army is... uh... well, he definitely made sure he’d be the coolest one around at all times xD It makes sense that he’d be hanging around because after all, getting to the Holy Digimon was one of his goals as well, but honestly he and his team just feel like replacement back-up for the other Chosen Children who are in the real world atm. AND FIZZ IS NOT INTO THAT. At this point I really do NOT understand why the kids had to split up and send some to the real world at all. I suppose it may be explained in the future but I also won’t be surprised if the answer is “It’s exactly like you saw, Devimon tried to separate them.” I would much rather have had the whole team together. I mean, if this was an excuse for Taichi and Yamato to get close... it really didn’t feel like that. At least not to a point where they couldn’t have gotten with the others around too.

Anyway, break time’s over, because there’s an actual monster fight going on. It must be cool to watch - the way Ebidramon shakes Seadramon reminds me of the T-rex vs stegosaurus battle in Fantasia xD But then Seadramon has the last laugh and EATS EBIDRAMON’S DATA, enabling it to evolve to WarSeadramon. That must have been an epic meal

Meanwhile in the real world, important things are happening, Koushirou’s using lots of Big Words with Kanji and Mimi is happy to get back at Jou for one-upping her last episode by correctly recognizing the roman letters this time. They are still sitting on the same bench where they’ve been for SIX episodes now. My butt hurts just thinking about it.

Patamon is very informative.

Patamon: We’re all gonna die!!

Thank you Patamon. You are so cute.

WarSeadramon decides Takeru and Patamon look like a yummy dessert after his meal, so he attacks them, only to be feigned off by our heroes. WarSeadramon gets pissy and says “Two on one is no fair! I have friends too!” and calls MetalSeadramon to join him. Apparently, MetalSeadramon can move on land :O This was one of the freakier things, I was actually like GAAH

Taichi tells Yamato to take Takeru somewhere safe. Since he is clearly very tasty to Seadramons. Yamato doesn’t bother arguing xD

Takeru: Hey! I’m your brother not a bag of beans!

However they are both cut off! Stuck between a rock and a hard place!

Meanwhile, Koushirou is literally a bad ass. He’s managing to reroute the rogue ships whose GPS have gone haywire by sending a signal from a second satellite, which the ships then pass on to the other ships.

Thus helping them get back on course and not collide with each other.

I mean this kid is in fourth grade. HOW HAS HE NOT BEEN SNAPPED UP BY THE GOVERNMENT AND TRAINED INTO SOME CHILD SUPER SPY???

no seriously... I’d actually kind of LOVE it if that were a thing x’D Like the government goes to Koushirou’s house and tries to get him to come but his parents are like “Um no he is a child and he needs a childhood” and protect him :’< When will this show realize WE ALL LOVE KOUSHIROU

Mimi: HURRY UP!!!!!!!!!!

Mimi: H... Hikari... you were still here...? Ehehe.... um... *whisper* hurry up!!

so yeah Hikari is still here! Standing! Staring! Really creepy! I get that the others are very distracted atm but it seems like someone should be like “do you need help? are you lost? do you need a doctor since you seem to have gone catatonic??” Only Koushirou is actively doing anything, I think someone could be spared to at least let her sit on their lap!

Back in the digital world, Garurumon is so distracted by the fight happening in front of him that he fails to notice the attack from behind, and Professional Self-Sacrificing Idiots Taichi and Greymon save the day.

They predictably fall off the cliff wheeeeeeeeeeee

It’s raining men, hallelujah

Under water, Greymon gets his assed kicked until Taichi manages to swim to him

which seems to give him renewed focus, I suppose, and he’s able to get away from the two Seadramon pals and get some air.

However they almost immediately drag him back down. You would think Greymon would be REALLY bad in a water battle and at least need to evolve to be any use (especially given that both evolved Seadramons are perfect levels), but both Greymon and Garurumon never evolve this episode, so I think we’re supposed to assume that even after eating they’re just not recovered enough for that yet. GOOD

Yeah but here’s what confuses me. Yamato does not do anything to help. Well, I shouldn’t say anything - whenever an enemy comes out of the water, he and Leomon’s team attack it from afar. But I mean, Taichi is in the water, being attacked by two Digimon who are both a level higher. WHY DOESN’T YAMATO GO IN TO HELP?!?!

We can’t even give him the excuse of needing to protect Takeru because 1) Takeru has Leomon’s entire team to protect him and 2) Takeru is fighting!!!!!!

I’m sorry but Yamato should be in the water. This is just crappy writing. He’s shouted “Taichi!” three times in the exact same way this episode and has very few other lines, so I actually sort of suspect that Namikawa Daisuke might not have been available to voice him this episode?? Maybe? So they just couldn’t give him too much to do for that reason. That’s totally speculation, I just don’t understand why Yamato does so little here.

Back with Koushirou, his plan has worked and all the ships are successfully changing course woot

Aww looks like a Christmas tree

The way Garudamon carries Zudomon is A++

The partners inform them that the Zurumon are on the move...

Jou theorizes that they’re off to gobble up more data somewhere else. Mimi’s like “ew?”

They decide they really need to get back to the digital world now. They’re finally worried about Yamato and Taichi and figure they’ll be more useful over there. I really can’t think of a reason why Koushirou could not have saved all these ships from the digital world so YEAH HARD AGREE. What even was this interlude?? Show us how cool a hacker Koushirou is?? We already KNEW that, he can do it from the digital world too, and watching the kids sit on a bench for six episodes was NO GOOD. Grrr. At least I needed them to do something really cool to justify all this but... nope! Can’t say it was necessary for Taichi and Yamato’s sake either!

There is one awesome thing that comes out of the separation...

Hikari: Oh you want to go back to the digital world? Why didn’t you say so?

ZIP!

Aaaaand they’re gone! Hikari included! :O

I kind of guessed this was gonna happen when Hikari first showed up, but I also sort of thought, it seems so early to have her join... I know this season is Doing It Different but we JUST got Takeru, I figured we’d spend more time on his story first. Also figured the lead in to Hikari joining would be more... Idk... this was just kind of anticlimactic, y’know? But whatev.

Now the only thing is... there’s no reason they had to go back to the human world for this. Hikari could have just come on her own. “It’s calling,” she says. Well, it could have called her regardless. So we really didn’t need this for Hikari’s sake. Bleh.

Curly

Ok so injuries really are a thing now. I’m down. We don’t get blood but we get to see lots of sparkly data leakage.

Still best boy, warts and all

What I DO really like... that i think we saw this ep as well as the episode before last in particular, is how important the kids are to their partners this season. Greymon loses it when Taichi’s KO’d in the Devimon battle, and this time, when they were separated under water Greymon started to panic until Taichi arrived. That alone seemed to restore his confidence. And even though he can’t evolve further, Taichi’s still able to give him a power boost. That was the one thing in 99 Adventure - the idea that the partners were connected with their human partners and needed their help to reach the next level was always fun, but mostly left the kids just running around unhelpfully much of the time. Tamers added on to it with the card game boosts (which were just to sell toys to kids BUT I still thought was cool lol). And then Frontier just did away with the partners all together and made the kids the monsters which I did NOT like personally. (YMMV although that one ep where Takuya has a crisis and becomes Flamemon was a cool effect.) This season has found a good balance, I think, between keeping the kids involved and preventing them from being too involved, if that makes sense. Of course it still means they’ve got suction cups on their shoes and can hold their breath underwater for unusual lengths of time...

Yay we won!!

... Never mind, now there are four of them xP

(but really, did he think he’d beaten two Perfect levels just like that? A level below, under water, and two-on-one? Taichiiii)

Yamato’s still just shouting Taichi’s name like the girl in Forrest Gump. “Run Taichi run!”

Then... Taichi hears a lovelier voice than Yamato’s!

Taichi: Zudomon!! Why do you sound like my little sister?

Bang bang Zudomon’s silver hammer came down upon his head

Bang bang Zudomon’s silver hammer made sure that he was dead

The whole gang is back!!! YAAAAAYYYY the one reason to love this episode!

So nice to see someone other than Greymon and Garurumon be a badass xP

And then this!! Anticlimactic though it was, I’m really excited to have Hikari on the team. She’s joining about halfway through which is kinda similar to how it was in 99 Adventure, but 99 Adventure had a much better lead in... however this season still has lots of storytelling to do.

Taichi is pretty amazed but not freaked, at least not yet.

Hikari’s just like “I was called here” and yes she’s as freaky as ever. If anything she’s even more freaky. I’m down as long as she gets a bit of personality beyond “mysterious” and “adores her brother”

I mean Takeru’s had plenty of opportunities to be a baby BAMF so far, so Hikari deserves some too. I wonder how long she’ll go without a partner?

Next week! It’s our first Takari shot!

Also... ooooohh??

The group will go to a new continent. Exciting exciting. Though I ragged on this episode, I’m still overall enjoying this season. But yeah I’m so GLAD the team is back together and unless something happens to change my mind, I def think they never should have been separated from the beginning. Or at least it should have been a much shorter separation. Anyway they’re together again so fingers crossed for more good stuff to come.

#digimon adventure:#digimon adventure reboot #digimon adventure 2020 #digimon #digi spoilers #fizz watches digimon 2020

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cecilspeaks · 4 years

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173 - The Hundred Year Play

Quoth the raven: [bird noises] Welcome to Night Vale.

Listeners, some exciting news from the world of theatre! The 100 year play is about to reach its final scene. Yes, this is the play that has been running continuously since 1920. Written by a brilliant playwright Hannah Hershman, designed to take exactly 100 years to perform. And the tireless volunteer of the Night Vale Players Playhouse have been going through those scenes, one after another, for decade upon decade. There’s little time to rehearse, for each hour brings new scenes and each scene will only be performed once the play moves on, in order to keep up with the tight schedule needed to execute the entire script before a century elapses.

It is a monumental work of theatre, but like all work, it must some day cease. Today, specifically. I will be in attendance at that historic moment, when the final scene is performed and the curtain closes on the 100 year play. More soon, but first the news.

We bring you the latest on the lawsuit “The estate of Franklin Chen vs. the city of Night Vale”. As you know, this case has grown so large and complicated that I’ve not had the time to discuss it in my usual community radio broadcasts. But instead, have started a true crime podcast called “Bloody Laws, Bloody Claws: The Murder of Frank Chen”, in which I strive to get to the truth of just what happened on that fateful night when five-headed dragon Hiram McDaniels met Frank Chen, and then later Frank Chen’s body was found covered in burns and claw marks. It’s a confounding mystery. The Sheriff’s Secret Police announce that it seems really complicated and they’re not even gonna try to solve that sucker. “Oh, what?” a Secret Police spokesman muttered at an earthworm he found in his garden. “You want us to fail? You wanna see us fail? That’s why you want us to investigate this case, to see us fail at it?” The family of Frank Chen say they merely want the appropriate parties, in this case the city of Night Vale, Hiram McDaniels and an omniscient conception of God, to take responsibility for their part in this tragedy. The trial is now in its 10th month, and has included spirited re-enactments of the supposed murder by helpful Players Playhouse performers in between their work on the 100 year play. 3 changes of judge and venue due to “some dragon attacks and constant interruptions from a local audio journalist, who hosts a widely respected true crime podcast”. Still, with all this, we near a verdict. Judge Chaplin has indicated she will issue her ruling soon. “Like in the next year or so?” she said. “Certainly within 5 years. Listen, I don’t owe you a verdict, just because you’re paying me to do a job, you can’t rush me to do it. The verdict will be done when. It’s. Done.” Chaplin then huffed out of the courtroom followed by journalists shouting recommendations for episodes of their podcast to listen to.

I was present, you know, on opening night of the 100 year play. Ah, how the theatre buzzed! Of course this was partly the audience, thrilled to be at the start of such an unprecedented work, but mostly – it was the insects. The Night Vale Players Playhouse had quite a pest problem at the time, and still does. It’s difficult to do pest control when there is a 100 year long play being performed on stage at every hour of every day. The curtain opened those many years ago on a simple set of a studio apartment, a kitchen, a cot, a window overlooking a brick wall. A man sits in the corner deep in thought. A doorbell rings. “Come in, it’s open,” the man says. A woman enters, flustered. She is holding a newborn. “There’s been a murder!” she says. “The victim was alone in a room, and all the doors and windows were locked. “My god!” the man says and springs up. “Who could have done this, and how?!” the woman tells him: “It turns out to be the gardener, Mr. Spreckle. He served with the victim in the war and never could forgive him for what happened there. He threw a venomous snake through an air vent.” The man sits back down, nodding. “Aah! So the mystery is solved.” As a playwright, Hannah Hershman did not believe in stringing up mysteries a second longer than was necessary. The baby in the woman’s arm stirs. “Shush, shush little one!” the woman says. The man looks out the window where he cannot see the sky. “It might look like rain,” he says. “Who knows?” Thus began a journey of 100 years.

And now a word from our sponsors. Today’s episode is sponsored by the Night Vale Medical Board, which would like to remind you that it is important to drink enough water throughout the day. Drink more water! Your body cannot function without water. Without water, you are just dust made animate. Water forms the squelching mud of sentience. Try to have at least ten big glasses of water. Not over the entire day, right now. See if you can get all ten of them down. Explore the capacity of your stomach. See if you can make it burst. You will either feel so much better, or an organ will explode and you will day painfully. And either one is more interesting than the mundane now. You should drink even more water than that. Wander out of your door, search the Earth for liquids. Find a lake and drain the entire thing, until the bottom feeders flop helplessly on the flatlands. Laugh slushingly as you look upon the destruction you have wrought. The power that you possess now that you are well hydrated. Move on from the lake and come to the shore of an ocean. All oceans are one ocean that we have arbitrarily categorized by language. The sea knows no separation, and neither will you when you lay belly down on the sand, put your lips against the waves and guzzle the ocean. The ocean is salty. It will not be very hydrating, so you’ll need to drink a lot of it. Keep going until the tower tops of Atlantis see sky again for the first time in centuries, until the strange glowing creatures of the deep-deep are exposed, splayed out from their bodies now that they no longer have the immense pressure of the ocean depths to keep their structure intact. And once you have drunk the oceans, turn your eyes to the stars. For there is water out there too, and you must suck dry the universe. This has been a message from the Night Vale Medical Board.

20 years passed without me thinking about the 100 year play. You know how it is. One day you’re an intern at the local radio station doing all the normal errands like getting coffee and painting pentacles upon Station Management doors as part of the ritual of the slumbering ancients. Then 20 years passes and everything is different for you. Your boss is gone and now you are a host of the community radio station, and there are so many new responsibilities and worries and lucid nightmares in which you explore a broken landscape of colossal ruins. So with all of that, I just kind of forgot the 100 year play was happening. But they were toiling away in there, doing scenes around the clock, building and tearing down sets at a frantic pace, trying to keep up with the script that relentlessly went on, page after page. And sometimes one of the people working on the play would wonder: how does this all end? But before they could flip ahead and look, there would be another scene that had to be performed and they wouldn’t have a chance. So no one knew how it ended. No one except Hannah Hershman, the mysterious author of this centennial play.

Soon after becoming radio host, during the reading of a Community Calendar, I was reminded that the play was still going on, and so decided to check in. I put on my best tux, you know it’s the one with the scales and the confetti canon. And then took myself to a night at the theatre. I can’t say what happened in the plot since that first scene, but certainly much had transpired. We were now in a space colony thousands of years from now, and the set was simple, just some sleek chairs and a black backdrop dotted with white stars of paint. A woman was giving a monologue about the distance she felt between the planet she was born on, which I believe was supposed to be Earth, and the planet she now stood on. I understood from what she was saying that the trip she had taken to this planet was one way, and that she would never return to the place she was born. “We… are… all of us… moved… by time,” she whispered in a cracked, hoarse voice. “Not… one of us dies… in the world… we were born into.” Sitting in my seat in that darkened theatre, I knew two facts with certainty. The first was that this woman had been giving a monologue for several days now. She wavered on her feet, speaking the entire four hours that I was there. And I don’t know how much longer she spoke after I left, but it could have been weeks. She was pale and her voice was barely audible, but there was something transfixing about it, and the audience sat in perfect silence, leaning forward to hear her words. The other fact I understood was that this woman was the newborn from the very first scene. Not just the same character, but the same actor. 20 years later, she was still on that stage, still portraying the life to the child we had been introduced to in the opening lines. She was an extraordinary performer, presumably, having had a literal lifetime of practice. And that was the last time I saw the play, until tonight, when I will go to watch the final scene.

But first, let’s have a look at that Community Calendar. Tonight the school board is meeting to discuss the issues of school lunches. It seems that some in power argue that it isn’t enough that for some reason we charge the kids actual money for these lunches. They argue that the students should also be required to give devotion and worship to a great glowing cloud, whose benevolent power will fill their lives with purpose. Due to new privacy rules, we cannot say which member of the school board made this suggestion. The board will be taking public comment in a small flimsy wooden booth out by the highway. Just enter the damp, dark interior and whisper your comment, and it will be heard. Perhaps not by the school board, but certainly by something.

Tuesday morning, Lee Marvin will be offering free acting classes at the rec center. The class is entitled “Acting is just lying. We’ll teach you how acting is just saying things that aren’t true, with emotions you don’t feel, so that you may fool those watching with these mistruths.” Fortunately, Marvin commented: “Most people don’t want to be told the truth and prefer the quiet comfort of a lie well told.” Classes are pay what you want, starting at 10,000 dollars.

Thursday Josh Crayton will be taking the form of a waterfall in Grove Park, so that neighborhood kids may swim in him. There is not a lot of swimming opportunities in a town as dry as Night Vale, and so this is a generous move on Josh’s part. He has promised that he has been working on the form and has added a water slide and a sunbathing deck. He asks that everyone swim safely and please not leave any trash on him.

Friday, the corn field will appear in the middle of town, right where it does each September, as the air turns cooler and the sky in the west takes on a certain shade of green. The corn field emanates a power electric and awful. Please, do not go into the corn field, as we don’t know what lives in there or what it wants. The City Council would like to remind you that the corn field is perfectly safe. It is perfect and it is safe.

Finally, Saturday never happened. Not if you know what’s good for you. Got it? This has been the Community Calendar.

Oh! Look at the time. Here I am blathering on and the play is about to end. OK, let me grab my new mini recorder that Carlos got me for my birthday. It’s only 35 pounds and the antenna is a highly reasonable 7 feet. And I’ll see you all there.

Ah. What’s the weather like for my commute?

[Shallow Eyes” by Brad Bensko. https://www.bradbenskomusic.com/]

Carlos and I are at the theatre! The audience is a buzz, with excitement yes, but also many of them are the insects that infest this theatre. The bugs became entranced by the story over the years, passing down through brief generation after brief generation, the history of all that happened before. The story of the play became something of a religion to this creepy crawly civilization. And so now the bugs are jittering on the walls, thrilled to be the generation that gets to see the end of this great tale.

The curtain rises on a scene I recognize well. It is the simple set of a studio apartment. A kitchen, a cot, a window overlooking a brick wall. A man sits in the corner deep in thought. A doorbell rings. “Come on, it’s open,” the man calls. A woman enters. She is very old, tottering unsteadily on legs that have carried for her many many years. “Please take my seat,” the man says with genuine concern. “Thank you,” she says, collapsing with relief onto the cushions and then looking out, as if for the first time, noticing the audience. I know this woman. I first saw her as a baby and later as a 20-year-old. It seems she has lived her whole life on this stage, taking part in this play. “My name,” the woman says, “is Hannah Hershman. I was born in this theatre, clutching a script in my arms that was bigger than I was. My twin, in a way. I started acting in that script of mine before I was even aware of the world. I grew up in that script, lived my entire life in the play I had written from infancy to now.” And she rises, and the man reaches out to help, but she waves him away. She speaks, her- her voice is strong, ringing out through the theatre. “The play ends with my death, because the play is my life. It is bounded by the same hours and minutes that I am.” the audience is rapt, many have tears in their eyes. Even the insects weep. “Thank you for these hundred years,” Hannah Hershman says. “This script is complete.” She walks to the window. “It might look like rain,” she says. “Who knows?” The lights dim.

Thunderous applause, cries of acclaim, and Hannah Hershman dies to the best possible sound a person can hear: concrete evidence of the good they have done in the lives of other humans.

Stay tuned next for the second ever Night Vale Players Playhouse production, now that they finally finished this one. They’re going to do “Godspell”. And from the script of a life I have not yet finished performing, Good night, Night Vale, Good night.

Today’s proverb: Many are called, but few are chosen. And fewer still pick up. Because most calls are spam these days.

#welcome to night vale #welcome to night vale transcripts #episode 173 #the hundred year play

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