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petitfanboy · 3 years

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Comprehensive and in-depth analysis of Asuka and Shinji relationship in 3.0+1.0, implications for the ending and why many youtube Eva analysis videos titles I believe are wrong. (Spoilers ahead)

Preface

It seems it was yesterday when I wrote an extended essay regarding the essential and critical relationship of Asuka and Shinji in Evangelion for the last time. However, seven years have passed.

My idea here is to write, in general lines, about the relationship of Asuka and Shinji in the last movie and the ending and its implications in a more detailed way. I will use different analyses I have read so far besides mine, and you will find the links to all of them in the text.

I have tried to maintain an analysis that followed the narrative plot and what I believe is closer to what the director wants to express. However, as Anno himself has said multiple times, his work may inspire different feelings in different people, so I understand where the differences might come from and, in no way, this is intended as a confrontation to other opinions and theories.

Please, let me start with an introduction.

Introduction

While a lot has changed for me in these years, my view of A/S relationship in the whole Eva universe, including their dynamics, meaning, and canonical aspects have not changed.

Long story short, A/S represent core aspects of the message Evangelion wants to transmit: The Hedgehog's dilemma, the fear of connecting and rejection while having a strong desire to be loved and understood, and finally, the pursuit of happiness. Asuka and Shinji are opposites on their outside and equals on their inside. A perfect match for exploring those issues.

RoE makes clear their similarities

Asuka and Shinji similarities

Evangelion arrives at a fulfilling conclusion at the end, showing us how it is possible to overcome the abovementioned problems. To depict that, it always involves resolving the different issues Asuka and Shinji have between them, becoming closer, opening to one another and, probably and eventually, staying together.

Evangelion portrays that resolution using scenes showing the exact moment of the change in A/S dynamics, the moment when both pursued real connection starts. What happens after that change is unknown, but the intention is clear: once they begin to make an effort, they have the chance to be happy together.

Before the release of 3.0+1.0, different spoilers and youtube video’s titles ruined my life, as I suppose that happened to some of you. It had such a significant impact on me that it is hard to define with words. Not because I was an angry asushin fanboy as some might classify me, but because, had it been confirmed, it would have meant that the message that Evangelion has been constructing since its first airing was shattered to pieces. I could not accept it.

At that specific moment, the Eva Extra Ex manga came and saved me.

Eva Extra Ex Manga Translated

I cannot highlight enough how important this manga was and still, it is. For me, it represented a call from Anno himself, saying: Do not worry, Evangelion is going to keep being Evangelion. I still recall the endless discussions on the internet when 3.0 came out about the effect of the time-skip, in what lousy state the relationship between Shinji and Asuka was (or if it was even inexistent!) and how Evangelion was going to transmit another message in the end. For me, there were always precise moments in 3.0 that pointed against those conclusions. But with Eva Extra, everything changed. It tied aspects of 2.0 and 3.0 very nicely and allowed us to discover more regarding Asuka's feelings and motivations.

With the first interaction in the manga between Asuka and Mari, we see that Asuka still has (deep) feelings for Shinji. As the story progresses, we see how Asuka reacts to Mari's teasing and how unconvinced Mari is of all the bravado that she displays. A/S relationship, alongside their communication and hedgehog's dilemma related problems, still existed in the present timeline of the events of 3.0 and 3.0+1.0.

God's in his heaven all right with the world.

Chapter 1: The houses of healing

Instead of speaking of every Shinji/Asuka interaction scene, I will try to make this analysis lighter by talking about how it progresses across the film and focusing only on key scenes.

The film's first part explains how Shinji achieves healing after understanding how people around him are friendly, which is a big difference from EoE. In EoE, it was impossible. Shinji was left hurt and without any option to heal. He ultimately achieved healing through his experiences in instrumentality, leading to the ending and the hope/love message we all know in One More Final: I need you.

This process, this healing, happens in a precise location. That is the reason for the chapter's title. I took the liberty of naming this first chapter as the eighth chapter of Tolkien's book The Return of the King. But, what place is it?

Initially, Shinji is taken to Toji's house. While that place suits Rei, who will understand the basic meaning of life and being human, Shinji makes no progress there. Interestingly, Kensuke sees how Shinji is not making any progress and suggests he should go with him to his house. Why? It is driven by his new parental role, reminiscent of Kaji. He thinks why Shinji is in such a state and understand his needs at that moment. Besides, with or without knowing it, he reunites Shinji and Asuka under the same roof and the same parental figure.

I cannot say that he willingly wanted to reunite Shinji with Asuka, although I am sure he thought it was a direct consequence of carrying Shinji with him, so he was happy with that idea. As we know from 2.0 and the original series, their friends are the ones who notice Asuka and Shinji bond, so it would not be strange that Kensuke wanted to reunite both of them.

With or without Kensuke's will, bringing Shinji to Kensuke's house mirrors Misato's apartment, but with a male figure as the leader (i.e. A Kaji instead of Misato). It is a comeback to better times. Kensuke takes the parental figure for both Shinji and Asuka, as Misato did when Asuka moved in 2.0 for both children. This time, Asuka is the one who is already living there (previously it was Shinji), and Shinji is the one who arrives later. In 3.0+1.0 Misato cannot fulfil her maternal role anymore, as explained later in the film (and redeemed at the end).

Let me linger on this parallel. In 2.0, when Asuka arrives at Misato's house and introduces Asuka to Shinji, we have the romantic comedy scene of the shower a few minutes later. The scene makes us understand that they feel some attraction to each other, albeit in a very early stage (and introduces PenPen to Asuka). Time forward, this first interaction is repeated in Kensuke's house. When Shinji arrives, he finds Asuka naked after having a shower. This time, no reaction is seen from either part explicitly. Neither Shinji nor Asuka blushed or overreacted, but Asuka clearly states her disappointment, which shows us her desire that Shinji reacted, that Shinji expressed attraction towards her. A significant line that adds up to all the previous evidence about Asuka's persistent feelings for Shinji. What about Shinji? There is a minor detail. When he sees Asuka naked, he stares at her with a glare that is just a mix of emotions. Although it is difficult to tell what he is thinking, Asuka is directly opposite him, and he can see both the DSS choker and her body. However, he only notices the choker when she wraps herself with a towel. Draw your conclusions.

From that point onwards, we get a few scenes representing the problem Asuka and Shinji have communicating and how alike they are. When Shinji throws up for the first time, Asuka explains to Kensuke why Shinji behaves like that and shuts himself off. However, she is doing the same, playing with her console. Asuka's video game is Shinji's SDAT. Asuka hates the behaviour of Shinji because she sees her flaws in him.

Despite all the façade, she tries to communicate and help Shinji repeatedly in the coming scenes, checking on him on several occasions. Whenever she does that, the movie clearly shows us that she has abandoned her Shinji-like behaviour, showing us the console turned off.

Asuka and her videogame

The climax of their conflict is the force-feeding scene. But before analysing that scene, let me tell you a few more details.

I believe that the mirroring of Misato's apartment is portrayed through other details. For example, the name KenKen might have been chosen in honour of the missing companion from Misato's apartment: PenPen.

Furthermore, while some people might find odd the tendency of Asuka to be naked, this is driven by her disgust with her own body, which is shown in the Eva Extra manga. Finally, to enforce the idea that the relationship between Kensuke and Asuka is different from the one that she and Shinji have, it is essential to notice how Kensuke calls them. He calls them by their surnames, Shikiname and Ikari, placing distance between them.

Let's return to the force-feeding scene. In that scene, Asuka wants to help him, which is why she feeds him, and at the same time, she explains her frustration regarding the lack of reaction and understanding on his part. The conflict between them is portrayed similarly to the Eva 03 incident in 2.0

Visual comparison 1

Visual comparison 2

She is trying to understand him, and she tells him rather precisely why she thinks he is in such a state. She only wants him to reciprocate that understanding, and she wants him to think and explain why she punched him after seeing each other after 14 years. I must highlight the punch's importance. It summarises their communication problems, their conflict. Eva clarifies it in 3.0 using the same parallelisms as other communication problems, like Gendo and Shinji.

However, we know how she feels. The Eva extra manga gives us that insight. She has feelings for Shinji but hates his inaction due to his internal struggles. The hedgehog's spikes have been replaced by a punch. If they can talk about the punch, they will start communicating.

From an external view, Shinji reacts to being force-fed in a way that probably is not what Asuka wanted. Shinji leaves the house, followed secretly by Asuka, in another display of how Asuka feels internally. It is another parallelism with Misato's apartment, again with a reversal of roles between Shinji and Asuka.

Parallelism

However, we will learn in future events that Shinji started to think about what Asuka told him at that moment, so he listened to her.From this point onwards, Shinji will deal with his thoughts and come to an understanding with himself. It is not achieved alone, but with the help of Rei and, although not directly, Asuka. She is the one who directs Rei to the place where Shinji is and continues checking on him to see that everything is going fine. She is there.

Asuka cares

When Shinji grows up and maturates, we have the first bidirectional communication attempt between Asuka and Shinji. While she asks Shinji if he feels better, he responds with only sounds. Yet, this is the first time they have tried to talk about their respective problems and emotions calmly. We will see this pattern repeat itself several times in the movie: Shinji grows a bit, and then Asuka opens herself another bit. It is very interesting to see Asuka's glare. Asuka is drawn with that glare whenever she is looking at Shinji in a positive/concerning him way. We will return to that later. Besides, she speaks to him without looking at her console.

All this healing process ends in a sentence that is easily overlooked. The night Kensuke is discussing with Asuka the plans to return to the Wunder, Shinji comes home and says, "I am home". It is the reflection of Shinji's complete healing. Thanks to his growth, he has found a new place where he belongs once more. It let us understand why he will consider that this place is important for Asuka too. Both have suffered the same parental love deprivation, lacking a place where they truly belong. Finding a place that they can call home is part of their way to happiness and usually happens before both connect.

The film also let us see how Shinji heals, comparing it with the healing of one of the village's dogs

Now, Shinji is ready to go with Asuka to the Wunder and start a transformative journey for himself and those around him. But first, let me post a few more details, some of which I had not noticed until doing some research on the internet:

Visual comparisons that highlight the similar role of Kensuke as Kaji (Parental role)

2. Asuka's scarf to hide her DSS choker.

3. The possible futon share between Asuka and Shinji, showing how she cares about him.

Chapter 2: A trip in the Wunder

The most relevant scene for their relationship in the Wunder is Asuka's confession. However, there are a couple of interesting interactions before that. The first one is the display of Asuka's jealousy of Sakura when she sees her interaction with Shinji, saying, "Are you his wife?"

The second one happens when Asuka meets Mari. While loaded with fanservice, this interaction is not trivial. Mari's teasing is an essential element in the Rebuild series, even more knowing how important the character of Mari will become at the end. She seems to be aware of Asuka's real feelings, and we know from the Eva extra manga that she tries to push Shinji and Asuka together, which I will come back to later. Asuka replies to Mari's teasing that Shinji "does not need a lover, he needs a mother". This sentence is a double edge sword. First, it shows Asuka's interest in Shinji as a romantic partner, given her deception, and actually, Asuka is saying this sentence while she is playing the videogame, so probably she is hiding her feelings, shutting herself oof the world as Shinji used to do. Second, it shows the problems they face: Communication and maturity. Maturity, because Asuka feels that Shinji has not changed as she has had, and communication, because as we will soon know, Asuka also wants that figure in her life. However, it is not true that Shinji has not grown up. It is just that they have not tried to communicate again, and thus, she does not know about Shinji's recent developments

Everything will change when Asuka faces the reality of possible death. Before the "final battle", she decides to reach out for Shinji. After Mari introduces herself to Shinji in an awkward way that will be important in the ending, Asuka repeats her question. In reality, she asks if he has thought about her, how she feels and everything she has gone through. To Asuka's surprise, Shinji answers the question, blaming his inaction. Taking this as a partial sign of maturity and growth, Asuka starts opening herself, although not wholly, a sign that Shinji's answer might not have been entirely correct. Besides, her body language is similar to the previous lift scenes in Evangelion, where we know she hid her real emotions.

She will equal what to tell Shinji to Shinji's growth. Therefore, she explains to him how she liked him 14 years ago, but not how she feels now. Furthermore, she leaves before Shinji can reply to her statement, leaving Shinji staring back at her through the glass. So, it is Mari again who makes us understand that this has been a sign of communication that goes in the right direction. She congratulates Shinji and stimulates him to continue like this. Again, Mari is trying to solve Asuka and Shinji's problems. Mari says goodbye in Chinese to Shinji (perhaps, a way to tell us that the spell of goodbye works, as they meet again later) and goes to do the same with Asuka, asking her if she feels better. Mari is trying to make Asuka see that opening herself to Shinji will bring happiness to her too.

Nevertheless, we must not forget that the short confession happened because Asuka thought this might have been the end. In a sense, it almost was.

Chapter 3: I need you

This chapter starts after Shinji and Gendo have resolved their issues. As I explained before, the need of resolving their parental matters will be critical to both Shinji and Asuka. The same happened in EoE. Asuka gets to know her mother in her battle against the mass-produced Eva, and Shinji learns about his father's plans and mother during instrumentality. After those experiences and their other interactions through instrumentality, they arrive at the I need you scene where they open to each other.

Gendo gets off the train, and the control of instrumentality is handed over to Kaworu. While Gendo was willing to sacrifice everything for his sake, the growth of Shinji reaches its maximum at this point. Shinji decides to take the reversal role of his father. Even if he is heartbroken or it is a hard and not a pleasant experience, he wants to help Asuka and those who were nice to him. This is the transformative journey that Shinji accomplishes in RoE that marks a completely different path from NGE+EoE.

I worded the sentence highlighting Asuka because those are the literal words of Shinji, naming Asuka as an individual and using the Japanese word "minna" for the rest, which could be the rest of his friends or even the rest of humanity. Shinji has learnt that he must give without seeking anything in return. He must stop thinking about himself only. He is going to help their friends without any positive repercussions on himself. As he later will explain, he plans to rewrite the world with the new spear given by Misato to get rid of the Evas and what they represent, stopping the cycle of suffering that comes with them, and let their friends live a happy life.

Symbolism of the spear

Interestingly, he does not explain this to Asuka and only mentions it to Rei, with some hesitation, which is what prompts him to tell her that Mari would come for him eventually. That behaviour is because for getting rid of the Eva and rewriting the world, he needs to impale himself with the spear inside Eva 01. While we do not know for sure the effects on Shinji, the way it is portrayed resembles a willing sacrifice, a person opening himself to that terrible outcome for a better benefit for their friends. Besides, we must not forget that the sync rate of Shinji with his Eva was infinite at that time, so probably the expected outcome would be the death of the pilot and he knew about that.

This situation is what gives us an essential context for understanding Shinji's actions. As Asuka earlier, he also thought that he might not return. But let’s see what happens with Asuka and Shinji.

The first to be saved is Asuka. As some sort of guardian for Asuka (and Shinji, and even Asuka/Shinji relationship), Mari reminds Shinji before he leaves her entry plug in the anti-universe that he has to find her. And he does.

There are many iconic and meaningful landscapes in Evangelion. Still, none of them has the symbolism, meaning, emotional associations and beauty as the beach where Shinji and Asuka laid at the EoE has. Although it is not the same beach and there are different details, the scene's meaning is clear. It was the scenario of One More Final: I need you. Thus, the location evokes that meaning, where Shinji and Asuka connected and expressed their emotions and feelings in EoE. To increase and highlight that intention, the first shot we have of the landscape is a full white moon, a remnant from the N3I. The moon has always been a poetic figure for love, and it brightens the sand creating the white beach. It is the perfect scenario to share an intimate moment.

Then, a saved, Eva curse-free Asuka awakes. The first sentence references the fact that the curse of Eva is lifted, and she can sleep. As some people detail, the plugsuit is a combination of different ones. This phenomenon will repeatedly happen in the anti-universe. Long story short, as I do not want to enter the terrain of the time loops and different universes, I believe that the idea behind that symbolism is that Evangelion is a multiverse. The anti-universe might somehow connect them, and we can see them. However, the characters remain the same from the universe where they come from. Only those annotated in the book of life remember those other universes or RoE time-loops (which seem to affect only the RoE universe and seem not to be confirmed in the other universes), and probably, as Shinji is in charge of the flow of events, the bleeding in his memories is what drives those changes.

The fact that Asuka wears a plugsuit that is a combination of previous ones, does not mean that she is Soryu or several Asukas at the same time. She is Shikinami, and it is the first time that she is on that beach. Her background and memories are from the RoE timeline, as she does not express, as Shinji will do later, any perception of that phenomenon. The same goes for their location. While they are on a similar beach, it is not the same where Soryu and Shinji found themselves in EoE. It is probably the bleeding of details between universes that wraps the metanarrative message that gives importance to the scenery (that beach is where they connected and accepted each other both in EoE and in this movie, and the place will always symbolise that)

Even those aware of other timelines (Kaworu and Shinji at that point) can only remember that they met before or have a déjà vu feeling. They do not have a complete insight into what happened. I think that this bleeding of details gives an important message: All the universes of Evangelion exist. Soryu and Shinji's story from NGE and EOE has happened, albeit in another universe, part of a larger multiverse. In a sense, it is saying that NGE+EoE is as canon as RoE, something essential to maintain coherency. The difference is that they happen in different physical planes of space and time.

Let's return to the fact that a grown Asuka is on the beach. The camera plays, repeating the same shots as in EoE, linking both scenes thematically again. Moreover, the visual links expands to other couples in Eva.

Here, Shinji sits next to Asuka, with his arms around his legs and a completely different gaze, making clear Shinji is happy to see her. The events follow this path:

Asuka sees Shinji next to her and calls him "Baka Shinji" in a not mean way. A way that shows us that despite calling him "Baka Shinji" time and time again, that did not mean that she truly hated him.

Shinji verbalises his happiness to see her again and says thanks to her for letting him know her feelings previously.

Shinji reciprocates the same feelings, using the past tense. Why? Well, at least this time is more straightforward than explaining why he choked her. Shinji has several reasons for this: First, it directly answers what Asuka told him earlier. And second, he wants to save and return her to the Eva free world, and thus, knowing that he might not return, hides his current feelings.

Asuka is surprised that her feelings are reciprocated. She blushes and turns to her left, hiding her real feelings at that moment to Shinji. In the next shot, we see a happy, blushed Asuka smiling.

The reaction of Asuka and all the previous evidence from the movie and the manga make it evident that she still has feelings for him. With his body language, Shinji is also transmitting to us that he is hiding his true feelings. Besides, a past tense confession for Shinji makes no sense at all. Shinji has been sleeping those 14 years. For him, those moments where "he liked" Asuka are only a few weeks or months ago from this moment on the beach. We will get the last evidence that Shinji still has feelings for Asuka, thanks to Kaworu. He, who is aware of all the timelines and universes, asks Shinji if he will feel lonely letting Asuka go. Shinji, with the same body language and a sad face, says no. We must link Shinji's behaviour to the fact I explained earlier. Shinji wanted to sacrifice himself for the happiness of Asuka and everybody.

This links with another idea. The scene is fast-paced. Once Shinji confesses his feelings, he says goodbye to Asuka and the Kensuke sentence. While this might be a reminiscence of Asuka's behaviour in the Wunder, allowing him to avoid any reply, that would have made things more difficult. However, his words are carefully chosen. We know from Rei's experiences in the village that "goodbye, is a spell of magic to see each other again. Despite his plans, Shinji's wish is to see her again

The meaning of goodbye

Then we have the Kensuke sentence. I wanted to talk about this in a simple way. Asuka needed the same parental role as Shinji, and through her experiences in instrumentality, she finds that she has that part of herself fulfilled by Kensuke. However, things get complicated if we start to notice some details. The fact that Kensuke calls Asuka "Asuka" instead of Shikinami and that the doll with Kensuke inside of it appears in the Rei scene has raised concerns that the Kensuke who appears in Asuka's instrumentality scenes is in fact Shinji, helping Asuka to find her place in a future world without him. In more detail:

All Asuka's scenes in instrumentality revolve around Shinji, nothing from Kensuke. It seems that Shinji wants to revert that and makes her conscious that she can find a place to belong and the parental role she needs, especially taking into consideration that he was about to die.

Instrumentality scenes comparison

She verbalises that she has no place to belong yet (despite living with Kensuke for some time), so Shinji wants to clarify that point for her.

It answers why Kensuke calls her Asuka and not Shikinami and why the doll appears again in Rei's scenes on the stage. Furthermore, it connects Asuka's memories with the beach scene, as it is after Kensuke says, "Asuka is Asuka" that she wakes up next to Shinji.

The original source of the theory for me was this video

In the end, from Asuka's instrumentality to the end of the beach scene, Shinji wants her to understand that she has a place to belong alongside the parental figure that she needs and that she is also loved by him, although he is going to let her go for her benefit. A true act of selflessness given his feelings. That is heart-warming and an actual act of love on his part.

Then, something happens amid the fast-paced scenes. The camera shows Asuka with an open mouth, sleeping(?) and Mari next to her. Wait. When did Mari come in? Why? I am not sure of the answers to these questions. It shows that Mari is more than we thought and has more knowledge about the anti-universe and what is happening. We do not know if this scene happens just after Shinji’s words or something has happened in the middle, as Asuka's expression seems not to match the last we see from her. Is there a deleted scene in the middle? Mari says her goodbye to Asuka. Mari has been a bridge between Shinji and Asuka and a close friend to her. In some sense, and continuing the parallelisms between Shinji and Asuka, she has been her Kaworu

Interestingly, Mari only appears to say bye to Asuka and not Rei or Kaworu. At the same time, Shinji only says sayonara to Asuka, the only character that does not have a handshake and a shutter closed. While there is no definitive answer to this fact, I believe it is crucial regarding the ending, as it will establish a continuity between the goodbyes and future gatherings, all directed by Mari, and that is why she appears probably (and she might be the one ejecting Asuka’s entry plug)

After Mari's take care, Asuka wakes up in the entry plug and is ejected by Unit 13. It is important to note that Asuka leaves without any kind of voluntary movement. She awakes in different locations and is the Eva 13 who ejects her. We do not know Asuka’s opinion about this at any time, or how she feels about being saved leaving Shinji behind.

Chapter 4: The sacrifice is stopped

After Kaworu and Rei's scenes, which I am not going to talk about, Shinji decides to carry out the Neon Genesis. We get to the moment where he is ready to sacrifice himself, in some sort of redemption of humanity's sins for creating the Evas and all the suffering that accompanied them. But then, Yui appears.

She stops the spear, protecting Shinji, and takes him out of the Eva 01. Yui’s wish is that he can live in that Neon Genesis world where the Evangelions do not exist, where people, and Shinji, can be happy. This moment changes everything. The plot twist will allow Shinji and Evangelion to have a happy and hopeful ending, thanks to Yui's (+/- Mari) plan.

The sacrifice of Shinji's parents for the sake of their child redeems them from the emotional deprivation Shinji has endured all his life. Shinji, mimicking the last instrumentality scene in EoE, returns to the anti-universe, now alone.

Chapter 5: Mari to the rescue

Shinji waits patiently on a blue water beach. Slowly, he starts to fade away in the anti-universe, as there are no others to relate with. This concept was explored both in EoE and at the end of the TV series. Then, Mari comes with her Evangelion to rescue him and take him back to the real world, now the Eva-free world, as promised to Misato. This is very important, as it highlights that Shinji is not going to a parallel universe. He is returning to the same world where his friends are (Asuka for sure, Kaworu will meet him again too, and Rei, honestly, it is not so obvious where she decides to go in her scenes, but probably too)

Mari's last Evangelion is important too. Contrary to Kaworu and Rei, I believe it is how Mari and Shinji returned to the ordinary world (probably with its entry plug, like Asuka). We might never know that. Then, the next scene is the opposite scene from Asuka in the entry plug, but with Shinji. Now we see an adult Shinji in a train station.

There are different questions to answer to understand what is happening in the ending. However, I think that the film's conclusion is the same regardless of the answer to those questions.The questions are:

Is the train scene set in the AU or in the real world?

Are Mari and Shinji the people we see coming out from the station?

Did Asuka arrive at Kensuke’s house or is she present there if that is the real world?

I tried to sum up the different theories in simple pictures.

My personal opinion just after watching the movie was that the first scenario was the most likely. However, after seeing different analyses, I am not 100% convinced and I cannot give my support to other theoriesyet.

The sources for the other theories are these

And the fact that the pilots might be illusions come from here

As you can see, regardless of the answer to the questions from above, they always end up meeting again. While this is not explicitly shown in the movie, I strongly believe it is the reason why Mari appears at the end scene. Mari is the beacon light that will guide him in this new world, and there is a lot of visual comparisons that prove this fact, comparing Mari to Misato, and knowing the role of Mari in Gendo and Yui’s life. Furthermore, a lot of people consider that the fact that Asuka is alone in the platform is a sign that she is there to be reunited with Shinji, as she has no partner and seems to be playing with something like her old videogame. All of this is enough evidence to stop thinking about this ending as “Shinji choosing Mari to live a happier life” or “to let go the past”.

Comparison

The role of Mari in Yui/Gendo life. A hint in her possible role with Asuka/Shinji

Mari and Shinji, Mari and Gendo, the same fate.

I am sure that Mari will reunite Asuka and Shinji. She has been a bridge between them since 3.0, and the Eva Extra manga gives more insight into that respect. Besides, she did the same with Yui and Gendo, and there are a lot of comparisons between Yui/Gendo and Asuka/Shinji in a visual way throughout the series.You will find Asuka glancing at Shinji with the same face and eyes expression as Yui did.

We have talked about this before.

While it would be interesting to know exactly how Shinji arrives there, the narrative conclusion that they will meet again, independently of what has happened to the world, will not change. This resonates with the title of the movie "thrice upon a time", as evidenced here.

There have been multiple Evangelion universes, both with and without Evas (EoE ends with a world without Evas, as the manga does) and in all of them, all of them, Asuka and Shinji meet again. And this is really important, as now they can communicate and have the chance of growing together and be happy.

Conclusion

Asuka and Shinji are two sides of the same coin, with different defence strategies in the context of the hedgehog's dilemma. Despite their mutual attraction, they are incapable of communicating and reaching each other. In EoE, it took almost the end of the world and humanity to understand that it is thanks to not living with the fear of pain and rejection that we can understand and accept others, ultimately overcoming the hedgehog's dilemma. This is expressed by the caress of Asuka to Shinji in EoE. This loving gesture shows us that the characters start understanding each other and have the chance to be happy together. EoE ending is a message of love and hope.

A/S relationship will represent this conflict wherever they are portrayed, in a cycle of desire/attraction, which leads to conflict and a resolution with understanding and love once they learn to accept each other and start communicating. In EoE is quite visual and displays both of them together at the very end. The manga is less explicit and more hinted at, but the scene at the train depicts how they connect in that new world where they will understand each other.

Thrice upon a time is not an exception to this rule. The last scene of EoE and the manga that involves Asuka and Shinji is the moment they connect, communicate, and change the way they treat each other. In 3.0+1.0 their final scene together is the beach scene, where they confess their mutual feelings in what is a never seen before sincerity and openness between them. Then, a world without Eva is created (in EoE this is exemplified by the crucified Eva and in the manga is more similar to the movie) and we know that Mari will guide Shinji to a safe return to that Eva free world and a gathering with Asuka and his friends. Despite not appearing on screen, all the narrative of the movie, and the whole of Evangelion, makes us understand that they will understand each other more and more and will be more honest towards their feelings, giving them the chance of being happy. As a consequence of that, the leitmotif of Evangelion is repeated once more.

The message of 3.0+1.0 is not about letting go of the past because you have grown up or let it go to move forward. The message is that it is thanks to going through those good and bad experiences that life gifts us, accepting the chance of suffering pain, that we can mature and learn. This learning will make us understand ourselves and those who surround us more, making us love ourselves and others, having, ultimately, the chance of being happy, loved and finding a place to belong to.

And it is in the middle of this struggle, that the love story of Asuka and Shinji shines, reminding us that humans can connect and be happy.

If they can overcome their problems, so will us.

Everybody finds love in the end.

One More Conclusion: Where is Anno's wife?

What a ride! I think I have written about almost all of Shinji and Asuka's interactions, perhaps leaving just a few ones at the beginning of the movie, and without the mention of Anno as Shinji or his wife as Mari in all the essay! While extremely popular, the theory that Mari represents his wife has many flaws and I still do not understand where it is based. From the character being designed without the supervision of Hideaki Anno to the direct denial from his wife, including that the theory does not match the narrative plot. While self-insertions and story developments related to personal experiences are not rare in storytelling, we cannot explain everything in Evangelion by metanalysis. While Anno's struggles with depression have shaped NGE+EoE, the development and growth of the characters in their own arcs are what matter when analysing them. Shinji might be inspired by his awful experience at that time, but as we said earlier, Asuke is shaped like Shinji, albeit with different behaviour. Therefore, we should accept that both of them are depictions of Anno and not only the masculine figure.

In the end, it is Shinji who rejects instrumentality, returns to the real world and is caressed by Asuka in EoE. The characters do that, not Anno. The same happens in this last scene. While the location of the train station and city is totally related to the director, what is going to happen to the characters in the context of the plot is an important thing to consider when analysing them.

From NGE+EoE to this last movie Shinji grows and understands the path to be happy always. This is not exclusive of the RoE saga because Anno has overcome his problems. Therefore, conclusions such as "now Anno is happier, so he wants Shinji to be happy" are not supported. What changed in RoE is that the growth of Shinji happens prior to the last impact and instrumentality, instead of growing after those experiences. This allows the portrayal of a lighter version of Shinji in those dramatic moments, resembling more a traditional hero who saves his friends, instead of letting them down and then coming to an understanding all together (because everyone shares a slice of the guilt cake) in instrumentality.

I believe that it would be more fruitful if we took into consideration his wife's work in the way that this tweet states, rather than engage ourselves in discussions about meta self-insertions.

I hope my words have helped those who felt like me after the release of the movie.

Thank you very much for all your time reading this.

#Evangelion #Rebuild of Evangelion #Shin Evangelion #asuka shikinami langley #Shinji Ikari #asushin #asuka x shinji #shinji x asuka #las #everybody finds love in the end #thrice upon a time #evangelion 3.0+1.0 #Asuka and shinji will meet in all evangelion universes

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troquantary · 3 years

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Didyme, Part 2: Something, Something, Plato's Allegory of the Cave

Continuing from here, and we’re doing sub-parts for this bit. I’m genuinely surprised I had this much to say. (And fun fact, I almost lost the entire goddamn post, but fortunately I was copy-pasting into Word just in case. Not today, Satan.)

2.1. What Canon Tells Us

Didyme’s murder by Aro (and with Caius’ apparent assistance, either during or afterwards), is only mentioned on the page in Life and Death, the 10th Anniversary gender-swapped version of Twilight. Edythe/Edward mentions it briefly when discussing the painting of the leaders Carine/Carlisle brought back from Volterra, but it’s just background information with little narrative weight. I bring it up just to highlight Caius’ involvement and knowledge -- I’ll get back to that.

Now, here’s the “canon” backstory we have to work with. Per the illustrated guide, Didyme was Aro’s younger sister, and he turned her at some point after meeting Marcus, Caius, and Athenadora. Interestingly, the Guide doesn’t say anything about Aro returning to Didyme out of brotherly love; apparently he just wanted to see if she would have a powerful gift like his, only to be underwhelmed (”disappointed,” according to his Guide entry) by her actual ability -- she made people happy just by being around them. Then she and Marcus fell in love, sharing “the strongest romantic bond of any of the Volturi” (from Marcus’ Guide entry), and this prompted a suddenly very single Aro to seek out his own mate, Sulpicia. The Guide says Didyme “distracted” Marcus from Aro’s goals, and that the pair eventually made plans to split off on their own, leading Aro to murder Didyme so he could hold onto Marcus and his valuable gift. Although nothing written so far suggests that Aro even liked his sister, the Guide does state that Aro “truly loved her” and that his grief upon killing Didyme was genuine.

Apparently Caius’ role in all is was something Meyer thought up later, because none of the leaders’ Guide entries mention him being in on it. (You can’t see me, but I’m staring pointedly at Part One.)

2.2. Fuck Canon, Actually

(This just seemed like the funniest place for a cut. Continued below~)

I’ll be honest with you, person who’s persistent/unfortunate enough to still be here: very little about this murder scenario makes sense to me. I’m going to start with the “disappointing” nature of Didyme’s gift and that it was supposedly much less useful to Aro than Marcus’, because that’s just...stupid, frankly, and there’s no way Aro would have missed the inherent utility of Didyme’s gift. I don’t even have to read into anything to get this idea -- the Guide itself shows us how useful it is! It says right there in Marcus’ entry that Aro went off to turn Didyme, and returned with his sister, “along with the first members of the guard -- vampires who were drawn to Didyme’s aura of happiness.” That is a direct quote.

Just -- I practically shrieked when I read that. You’re telling me that Didyme’s gift was the stated reason their coven got its first subordinates, and I’m supposed to believe that Aro thought that was disappointing? Fuck off! Fuck off!! Even if Didyme’s happiness aura isn’t as powerful as Corin’s opium haze, well, Aro doesn’t have Corin yet, does he? He has every reason in the world to want to keep Didyme around, drawing other vampires to his cause -- even if most of those vampires aren’t gifted or skilled enough to join the guard, it’s still good PR.

At this early stage in the Volturi’s rise to power, it isn’t a good time to lose Didyme -- or any of his inner coven, really. Yet Aro apparently considered her disposable enough that he killed her. I can’t square this with what we know about Aro: that he’s still coherent despite holding god-knows how many people’s lives in his head; that he’s very intelligent; that he’s cunning, charming, and persuasive. Aro, once he learned they were thinking about leaving, would have tried to talk to Didyme and Marcus and done everything in his power to convince them to stay just a bit longer, until the Volturi’s position was more secure. And maybe he did; the timeline of all this is hazy, but nothing in the Guide suggests that Aro jumped straight to duplicity and murder. Clearly, though, whatever negotiations or arguments he presented failed. So what does their desire to leave the Volturi at this critical stage say about Didyme, or Marcus for that matter?

2.3. What It Says About Didyme and Marcus (Mostly Headcanon)

Brace yourself, because we’re into full headcanon territory now. To follow me, please refer to @therealvinelle ‘s meta about the larger mission of the Volturi and why they’re necessary, because I’m starting from the perspective that the Volturi are ultimately a force working in vampires’ and humans’ favor. While Meyer and the Guide would have you believe that Aro’s just power-hungry, actually looking at the impact of the Volturi and the benefits of enforcing secrecy shows that his broader vision isn’t just world domination, but establishing a world in which vampires and humans can both thrive and endure. There’s no way the rest of the inner coven was unaware of this goal; we know Aro talks a lot, so he’s certainly talked his coven’s ears off about this.

Now, we know very little about Marcus and what he was like before he was all dead inside. Based on what would be a logical balance of personalities, with Aro as lead decision-maker and Caius as ruthless enforcer, it seems likely that Marcus was originally the voice of reason and/or mercy. I also think Marcus would have had a strong sense of duty. The Guide says that Aro was the first friend Marcus had as a vampire, and I believe that Marcus cared about him very much and was committed to the Volturi. I think he would have been genuinely conflicted about leaving, especially considering the stabler, safer world the Volturi have been striving to build, and which they haven’t yet secured. Again, it’s a very bad time for any of the leadership to split off -- but in the end, Marcus and Didyme are going to do it anyway.

What for, though? Why leave? @theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin has an interesting take on that question here: that Didyme saw that she and Marcus would be locked into the Volturi life and a thankless existence for eternity and tried to opt out while she still could. I like it a lot, it’s a great post and that scenario makes sense, but the tone of it feels...too forgiving. Maybe that’s because I’m evil. But the way I see it, given the magnitude of the Volturi’s mission, and its (at best) very tenuous grip on power at the time Marcus and Didyme plan to leave (they haven’t even defeated the Romanians yet), jeopardizing the entire operation so that they can pursue their romance unburdened strikes me as...well, fundamentally selfish on some level, so much that I find myself side-eyeing Didyme and Marcus for it. Although to be clear, it’s not the desire to live their own lives apart from the Volturi that I find selfish, just the timing of their departure.

Honestly, I’d like not to vilify another female character if I don’t have to. Given everything I’ve just said, I see Didyme in much the same way as I see Bella: not a bad person, but someone with definite selfish tendencies. At best, she’s likely short-sighted or naive if she doesn’t see how leaving the Volturi at this stage is fucking them over in a big way. However, I hesitate to read into the happiness aura as a straightforward indication of Didyme’s fundamental goodness; I think she probably was kind, charming, and delightful to be around, hence the nature of her gift -- but that capacity for selfishness is still there. (I’m certain Meyer wants us to take her gift as proof of Didyme’s goodness, to reinforce how evil Aro is for killing her...but I think I’ve made my disdain for what Meyer wants me to think pretty clear.)

2.4. MURDER MOST FOUL

I am not saying it was justifiable or okay for Aro to murder his sister. I’m really not. It’s actually better, from a character standpoint, that it isn’t okay -- that Aro has to carry this with him for the rest of his life while Marcus sits in the throne next to him, reduced to a husk, so that in effect Aro has lost them both after all. It’s got that Greek tragedy element @theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin mentioned in her post. (Even better from that standpoint, the Guide implies that Aro found Chelsea relatively soon after killing Didyme, which compounds the tragedy.) I mean, it’s terrible, and it hurts me because I love Aro, but it’s compelling stuff.

What I am saying is, I can see how their insistence on leaving might have deeply hurt and offended him. And that brings me to my issue with the calculated murder scenario the Guide gives us -- I still think Didyme’s gift is too valuable for Aro to throw away by killing her in cold...venom (or whatever), even as the price for keeping Marcus in the fold. Plus, there’s the fact that Aro does love Didyme, and I imagine her gift makes it very difficult for people to think of harming her...when they’re calm, anyway.

Yeah, the only way I can really see the murder happening is if Aro killed Didyme in the heat of an argument about her leaving, possibly even by accident -- except you can’t accidentally kill a vampire, can you? It’s a very deliberate process wherein you have to dismember them and burn every piece, which also means it probably takes long enough that any irrational, overwhelming rage would wear off before you were done. But now that you’ve started....

I mean, at that point it would certainly be awkward to put your half-rubble sister back together, and Aro would be in a whole other load of shit even if he did. It’s possible, given what we’re told, that Aro could have lashed out and yanked Didyme’s head off before snapping out of it, only to realize that his sole option now is to finish the job. If he doesn’t kill Didyme now, she and Marcus won’t just leave, they’ll be sworn enemies of Aro from then on. And thanks to Didyme’s gift being the draw for a lot of the guard, and the inherently bad look of a leader who would brutally attack his own sister, a chunk of the guard would probably leave with them, destroying Aro’s plans. No, the only way to salvage it is to follow through.

Then Aro has to call in Caius for help with the cover-up, because it wasn’t actually planned and it’s just pure luck that no one walked in on the murder as it was happening.

And maybe Aro learns a hard lesson about learning to let people walk away, leaving the possibility open that they could be drawn in again. Because if Aro had just waited, he would have found Chelsea, and with her gift he could have had Marcus and Didyme back again.

Assuming everything didn’t fall apart as soon as they left, of course. But that’s a whole other what-if scenario.

#and those are my thoughts on didyme #...mostly #but i need a break now #twilight #twilight renaissance #twilight meta #i stared too long and the twilight abyss gazed back #didyme volturi #aro volturi #marcus volturi #sources cited:#therealvinelle #theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin #i'm going to go lie down

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mollymauk-teafleak · 3 years

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The Problem with Magic Markers

Soooo Critical Role campaign 2 just ended, I've got major brain rot over it and my wonderful gf gave me a wonderful idea for a fic so! This happened! A gift to @spiky-lesbian who came up with this adorable concept and is just generally an all round wonderful person who deserves the world. Also huge thanks to my ever patient, ever helpful beta reader @minky-for-short

If you liked it too, please reblog and leave a comment over on Ao3!

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Mollymauk is so proud of Caleb in so many ways and, now they have their lovely lives with their wonderful children, he finds more reasons to be every day.

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Mollymauk Tealeaf had learned many things since he’d become a parent, now five years ago. A short amount of time, he’d used to think, but plenty of time to obtain a lot of knowledge you never thought you were ever going to need in your life.

Like how sandwiches cut into triangles were disgusting but sandwiches cut into squares could be eaten by the hundreds. Like how to make a bath appealing to a toddler with the liberal addition of bubble bath and a willingness to get absolutely soaked playing Sharks with them. Like how a scraped knee and bumped forehead could be cured with his cuddles and kisses alone, like how a promise from him that everything was going to be okay was enough to make it so.

And how silence was very, very worrying.

So when Mollymauk walked past his son and daughter’s room and heard only silence, when he knew for a fact they were in there, he stopped dead. He put any thoughts of getting to go and spend some time with his sewing kit out of his mind. Because he’d been a parent long enough to know that something was up, two five year olds weren’t that silent unless some game was afoot, something they didn’t want their parents to know about. Which meant he should probably at least poke his nose in.

So he knocked lightly on their door, the one covered in whichever drawings they were most proud of that week and a hand painted sign Jester had made for them the day they were born, prettily proclaiming ‘Trinket and Una’s Room!’ amongst a flock of miniature unicorns.

“Sweetlings?” he called gently, “Mind if I come in?”

There was a sudden scrabbling from behind the door and he heard a muffled grunt from Una before Trinket answered hurriedly, “Um...yes! Okay daddy!”

Raising a curious eyebrow, Molly pushed the door back, disturbing the usual scattering of toys left on the floor like the aftermath of a felt based battle. Although it did seem like there was more mess than usual…

Trinket stood in the middle of the room between their two little beds, his backpack at his feet and an expression of perfect innocence on his face that was just a little too polished to be anything but an act. Molly had to admit he’d probably learned that from him.

“Well hello there, little man,” he leaned in the doorway, smiling crookedly, “What game are we playing today?”

Trinket shuffled his feet, “Um...packing?”

“That sounds like a fun game,” Molly’s gentle concern upgraded to full blown wariness, “And where’s your sister?”

Trinket turned a deeper shade of purple, looking down at his fidgety feet that were poking more holes in his innocence by the second, “Um...she...um…”

Which was the point Una helpfully chose to poke her little head out of the backpack, dark eyes blinking curiously and ears flapping, trilling, “Here daddy!”

Trinket flushed guiltily, frowning at her, “Una! I said you had to stay shh!”

Molly took a breath, wandering over to sit down on Trinket’s bed. As his eyes swept around the room, he noted a great deal more chaos in the room. Almost like someone had been going through the toy box and the drawers and bookshelves, hurriedly pulling things out, making quick decisions about what to abandon and what to stuff into a little blue, dinosaur patterned backpack. Molly supposed he should at least be grateful that Trinket saw his sister as worth taking.

“Why don’t you talk to me, babies?” he offered gently.

Trinket swallowed, eyes darting around nervously before the last of the fight went out of his narrow little shoulders and he mumbled, “Daddy...can I tell you a secret?”

Molly had to smile. This was almost a running joke between the three of them, his kids running up excitedly to tell him they had a secret for him before whispering into his ear about some apparently very cool bug they’d seen or that Uncle Caddy had snuck them an extra cookie or that he was the best daddy ever. He loved being brought into their world where everything was brighter and more exciting and there was fun to be found in the smallest things. And where everything was felt so much more keenly.

“Of course you can, sweetling,” he murmured gently, patting the bed beside him, “You can always tell me secrets. Whatever it is, I promise we can make it better together.”

As Una rolled out of the backpack, apparently unconcerned and rather enjoying herself, Trinket clambered up beside him and stood so he could whisper into his ear. Molly tucked his purple curls behind one ear, smiling encouragingly.

Voice already trembling, Trinket leaned in and murmured, “I messed up Papa’s coat.”

Molly absorbed that in silence, feeling his son’s anxious red eyes on him. He leaned back, keeping his face carefully neutral before taking a long, deep breath through his nose, marshalling his thoughts.

“Trinket, I’m not going to lie to you here. We might be in trouble.”

His opinion didn’t change when he actually saw the coat. The coat his husband had been wearing as long as he’d known him and refused to be regularly seen without, no matter how many attempts Molly had made to buy him a newer, less ragged, less musty smelling version. It was more a comfort blanket than just clothing, stained and scorched from numerous spells and spills, old leather worn shiny from overuse. He hadn’t said so in so many words but it didn’t take a genius to guess that Caleb had worn it since before he came to the city. Which meant it had probably come from his parents. And though it was old and faded and stained today, it must have been new when he got it, a costly garment for people like the Ermendruds. The sort of gift that would only be given if your only son was leaving home to join the Academy and wanted to show him how proud you were.

A lot of Caleb’s life was like that. Even as his husband, Molly found himself having to piece things together from passing comments and turns of phrase, things that dulled his love’s eyes and tightened his jaw. Molly had about a quilt and a half’s worth of assumptions and semi-finished anecdotes by this point, telling of a sad and fractured timeline.

But he knew enough to see what the coat meant to Caleb and the place it held in his husband’s black and white, yes or no, yours and mine way of thinking.

The coat that now had a minor gallery’s worth of doodles and drawings scribbled in magic marker across the sleeves and all the way down the back. And if he wasn’t comfortable with Molly washing the thing, he wasn’t going to be okay with this.

Trinket had been fretfully watching his daddy since he’d first pulled the coat out from where he’d guiltily stashed it under his bed. As Molly’s mutely horrified silence dragged on, he only became more and more anguished until he was barely in tears, wringing his tail between his pudgy fists.

“I only wanted to make it pretty,” he whimpered, “Papa will hate me. I won’t be his special boy any more.”

Molly looked up at him, reaching out and putting his hand on Trinket’s shoulder, “Oh sweetling, your papa loves you a lot, you know this isn’t going to change that.”

But he couldn’t stop thinking about the times he’d picked up a pen from Caleb’s desk without thinking much of it, doodling with it until he’d looked up to see his husband gaping at him in scandalised horror. Or the times he’d stolen sips from Caleb’s drink when they were at the cafe, the same way he’d do to any of his friends, but Caleb would frown if he caught him, unable to understand why Molly was taking his coffee?

It was just part of the way his brain functioned, the rules it spat out after absorbing years of poverty and trauma, along with some different wiring that had simply occurred naturally. Mollymauk had learned a long time ago how to fondly work with these Caleb-isms, making concessions where it was best to and encouraging his wizard to gentle the restrictions his brain built when he needed to. It was like tending some kind of creeping vine in a garden, the way he saw it. Sometimes things needed moving aside so it could flourish and sometimes it needed pruning so it didn’t strangle the flowers around it. Caleb had been as brave as Mollymauk could have wished in managing his idiosyncrasies and sometimes he just had to sit back and admire how different the Caleb he lived with today was from the anxious, mumbling wizard he’d first met.

But how much patience he’d be able to muster when it was one of his favourite things in the world, Molly couldn’t say. But he wasn’t looking forward to telling him about it.

“Should I go?” Trinket’s lower lip wobbled, glancing back at his half packed bag, which Una was back inside, the front half this time as she munched away on some snack he must have stashed in there.

“Absolutely not, your papa would never want that,” Molly squeezed his shoulder gently, “We’re going to put the coat in to soak so we can get all this ink out and then we’re going to find him and I’ll tell him what’s happened. But you need to be the one who says sorry, okay?”

Trinket nodded frantically, still clinging onto his tail for comfort, “I am sorry. I’m really, really sorry.”

“I know, buddy,” Molly drew him close and hugged him tight, hating to see him so upset, “But we’ll be laughing about this before long, you’ll see.”

Maybe if he said it confidently enough, he’d start to believe it too.

Caleb wasn’t hard to find for a number of reasons. For one, their apartment was very small and there were only a handful of rooms to look in. But more importantly, it was late afternoon on a day where Caleb didn’t have any reason to go down to the Academy and fulfill his duties as an adjunct professor and when his bookshop was closed, as it was once a week. Which meant there was only one place he would be, in his half of their spare room, either playing one of his video games or reading.

Molly wasn’t quite sure what they’d do when one of their kids decided they wanted their own room and were tired of sharing, meaning Caleb would have to store his books and he’d have to store his sewing somewhere else. Or if they had another kid. He’d been toying with that idea in the back of his mind lately.

Maybe best not to float that idea with Caleb right after this.

Mollymauk could feel Trinket in his arms, his offer to pick him up and carry him having been immediately, breathlessly accepted. He could sense him getting more tense, more anxious, growing heavier against him as Molly knocked lightly on the door.

“Ja, come in,” Caleb’s response was immediate, not even needing to ask who it was or having to pause over whether he wanted to see them.

When Molly went in, Caleb was in the old, ratty wingback chair they’d liberated from some sidewalk when they’d first moved in, Molly announcing teasingly that a future professor needed some grand leather throne from which to smoke a pipe and pontificate. Caleb had blushed and rolled his eyes, not even believing back then that one day he would get the job he’d always dreamed of having, thinking trauma and past hurts had stolen it from him.

So now Molly always got a small flush of pride when he saw his Caleb sitting in that chair.

His hair was getting a little longer these days, it’s auburn tangles pulled into a small knot at the crown of his head so it wouldn’t fall in his eyes. His beard was growing a little thicker too, more than the usual rusty shadow that dusted his jawline. Molly absolutely was not going to be complaining about any of that, he liked his husband looking a little more rough around the edges like when they’d first met.

As soon as he saw them, Molly with Trinket balanced on one hip, Caleb’s face lit up with a smile. His smiles had been rare once upon a time but now just the sight of his family was enough.

“Hello,” he set the book he’d been reading to one side, already expecting Trinket to want to sit on his lap like always, “How are my loves?”

Near Molly’s ear, Trinket whimpered mournfully and pressed his face against his daddy’s neck. It was more than an ache to listen to, Trinket idolised his papa, following him around whenever he could, listening devotedly as he explained his work even when it wandered far off the track that his little mind could understand. Molly had no doubt the attempt to brighten up his coat had been a genuine attempt to make him smile and he couldn’t imagine how much it was hurting his little boy, to think he’d upset the man he looked up to more than anyone.

Caleb’s smile dulled a little, seeing Trinket hesitate, immediately realising they weren’t here for playtime, “What’s wrong?”

Molly exhaled slowly, carefully keeping his voice calm and level, “It’s okay babe, Trinket just...did something he wants to apologise for.”

“Oh?” Caleb frowned a little, eyes still fixed on Trinket, arms still open.

Molly opened his mouth, ready to do the hard part but before he could, Trinket bolted upright and tearfully burst out, “I wanted to make your coat pretty because you always like my pictures and I thought you could take them everywhere not just in your pockets but I made a mess and I’m so sorry papa! I’m really sorry!”

For a moment both of his parents were a little stunned, not quite sure what to say as his rambles tapered off into spluttery sobs. Molly warily glanced at Caleb, looking for any change in his blank, closed off expression, any flicker of discomfort, even anger.

After a few beats, ones that felt longer than usual, Caleb only nodded, getting to his feet. Gently, he reached over and put a gentle hand on his son’s face, catching some of the tears dribbling down his cheek on his thumb.

“Little Kätzchen, it’s alright,” he murmured softly, “Please don’t cry.”

Trinket sniffled, blinking blearily, “You’re not angry? Don’t want me to go away?”

Caleb’s eyebrows shot up in alarm, “No! Oh, Trinkie, absolutely not. I’d never want that.”

“But…” Trinket’s eyes were wide, hopeful, wanting to take this relief being offered but hesitant to, “It’s your favourite thing in the whole wide world…”

Caleb chuckled quietly, his smile back with all it’s warmth as he leaned in and kissed his forehead.

“Kätzchen, you and your sister are my favourite thing in the whole wide world.”

Molly nearly yelped in panic as he felt the weight of Trinket suddenly leave his arms before realising his son had thrown himself at Caleb, locking his arms around him tightly. He didn’t doubt for a moment that his husband would catch him, only smiling fondly as he gathered Trinket close and buried his face in his hair.

“It’s all okay,” Caleb whispered against the rust red curls he’d given their son, “It’s okay, little one.”

Molly let them have their moment, letting Trinket cry the last of his tears out happily against his papa’s chest, hanging back and feeling his heart thudding warmly against his ribs. Eventually he was their beaming, bright little boy again, if a little damp, wriggling down from Caleb’s arms determinedly after one last little kiss against his papa’s cheek.

“I’m gonna make you a sorry card. The best sorry card ever,” he promised Caleb, already toddling towards the door, “It’s gonna have glitter.”

“Wow, that kid is definitely my son,” Molly observed wryly once his little lavender tail had disappeared around the corner.

“Then you can clean up the mess he’s definitely about to make,” Caleb chuckled, moving into his husband’s arms.

“Hey,” Molly kissed the crown of his head gently, “Well done. I know that must have been hard for you and...I’m really proud of you.”

He couldn’t see it but he could hear the coy smile in his voice, “Well...I meant what I said. Some coat is never going to be more important to me than my kids.”

Molly smiled knowingly, “I know baby….but you know, if you want to scream into that cushion for a little while, that’s okay too?”

There was a short pause before he felt Caleb’s shoulders drop in relief.

“Thank you, Katze…”

“Is it done yet?”

Molly had to fight a smile. He’d explained to Caleb that soaking his coat would take exactly thirty minutes, knowing his husband fixated on time easily, but still he asked every five minutes on the dot. He’d expected nothing less.

“Not just yet, babe,” he repeated, as he had all of those other times, looking up from the laundry they’d been folding so Caleb would have an excuse to hover anxiously in the laundry room, over the tub of hot soapy water and a little rubbing alcohol his coat was submerged in, “Soon though.”

Caleb gave a small grunt, poking a finger into the water curiously like it was some potion he was working over. After a moment, before Molly could turn back to folding the clothes, he frowned.

“This sleeve isn’t in the water…”

Molly’s smile turned crooked, coming over and putting a hand on Caleb’s before he could move the one sleeve into the tub, “I thought maybe you’d want to look at it...decide if you want to keep that one.”

Caleb blinked, not understanding until he turned it a little and saw the drawing his Trinket had chosen to adorn the sleeve with. It was done in bright red, standing clearly against the dark fabric, unmistakable a child’s drawing. There were four figures there, two taller and two smaller. The first had a set of horns drawn a little too large for it’s head, as well as a tail. The second had a long scarf and a scrawled head of shoulder length hair. The next was much smaller, with another set of horns and a tail but the same scribbled hair. And the last was tiny, with voluminous ears and spikes on the end of it’s fingers. All of them had immense smiles and held hands, a lopsided love heart hovering above them.

As the other scribbles and swirls turned into formless ink in the water, Caleb held this one like it was the most precious thing he’d ever seen in his life.

“Yeah,” he murmured, smiling softly, “I think this one can stay.”

#critical role #modern au #caleb widogast #mollymauk tealeaf #widomauk #una #trinket #please reblog and comment!

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violenceenthusiast · 4 years

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Dean Winchester made me gay (but not like that)

Not to be sincere on main but with the Supernatural finale fast approaching I’m thinking about what this stupid, wonderful show has meant to me over the years, particularly as a queer kid.

I started watching Supernatural while season 5 was airing, at age 12. And the really wild thing is that I started watching before I was even on tumblr SO unlike most shows, I didn’t start watching based on whispers about queer representation– I just,, thought it looked like a cool show I might like.

So here I am, a middle schooler with no clue why the worst part of every day was getting dressed, why I felt funny? confused? nervous? when girls gave me hugs, why I didn’t quite fit in with the boys but didn’t quite fit in with the girls either, and so much more (aka standard Queer Kid Confusion lmao).

Now here I have to talk about the netflix documentary Disclosure for a second (which, if you haven’t seen is one of those things everyone should watch). The doc is largely a timeline and analysis of trans representation in tv and film as narrated by people in the industry who are trans themselves (tight as hell). But there’s this one part where this guy is illustrating why queer representation in media is so important, and he tells us that “80% of people don’t know a trans person in real life” (paraphrasing from memory) so for many people, tv and film are their only point of contact and point of reference for what it is to be trans and/or queer. and then he delivers the real kicker– “the same is true for queer people”. When I tell you that rocked my world to hear him say that... because he’s right!!

I was lucky enough to grow up in a pretty lefty, Jewish community but even then my information about queerness was limited to a) gay exists and b) gay is ok (in the abstract) but c) gay is the thing boys call each other when they step out of line. After all, it was still the 2000′s. I didn’t know anyone gay in real life, perhaps my only exposure to queerness was captain Jack Harkness when he kisses the doctor in s1?? but most importantly I didn’t know anything of the subjective experience of queerness.

And so I start watching this show. And there’s Dean. He loves powerfully and protects those he loves. He is strong and smart and clever and funny and accomplished but despite that is so so tied down by, and beholden to, what others (john, sam, society) expect of him and the roles he needs to play as a result (father, mother, brother, savior, protector, man’s man). He is proud of yet embarrassed by his interests that fall outside of these expectations– Sam, as the bookish one who ~went to college~ gets the reputation of the nerd but we all know the real nerd is Dean, with his cowboys, sci-fi, and chick flicks, his books and his movies and his music. AND on top of all that, he has nowhere and no one that’s just his, save perhaps for the impala but even that is not really his (yet). And for me, as a queer, Jewish, nerdy kid who didn’t know they were queer or why they didn’t feel they fit anywhere... Dean Winchester was everything.

Enter Castiel.

And my world expanded. I watched as Dean, a fellow aquarius (lol), found safety and home in Cas. I watched their uneasy alliance, backed by an unshakeable bond, turn to trust then to friendship and rapidly into something more, something ephemeral, something,, profound. Love fundamentally changed them both. Their love for one another specifically changed them both. I watched as they moved heaven and earth (and hell) for each other, literally. But most importantly I got to see it all through Dean’s eyes. Of course we see much of Cas’s experience of events but for much of the early seasons of Cas’s run on the show he (and his interiority) is kept from the boys, and from us, at a bit of an arm’s length. Dean is the main conduit for us as the audience, and he certainly was for teenage me.

I watched as this scared man who had to grow up too fast found solace in another man, in a way that was (in many ways literally) alien to him. I saw his panicked moments and second-guessing and fidgeting and furtive looks and wayward glances. All the things that us destiel truthers (🤡) pointed to at the time were, for me, not simply about shipping but about seeing myself in Dean. Seeing my own reluctance to be near women, my own hyper-awareness about how close we were standing and where I was looking and how long I was looking for. My own discomfort in and eventual shedding of the prescriptive gendered roles and behavior I had been handed. Dean falling for Cas and the beauty of it, how naturally and how easily they fit together against all that was working against them.. it allowed me to see something in myself and for myself that I could never have imagined alone.

So for all the (rightful) criticism of Supernatural and destiel as awful queer-baiting, for me, a kid beginning to see themself for the first time through this story and these characters... it never hit that way for me. Literally what was I supposed to do but go stupid go crazy and think about nothing but Dean and Cas and Supernatural for the rest of forever?? I never in a million years would have expected or could have hoped for the 15x18 confession and I’m scared and excited for what will happen in the finale but no matter what happens... I’ll forever be grateful to this show for giving me the imagination to see myself as I am.

#supernatural #spn #destiel #dean winchester #15x18 #lgbtq representation #im gay and nonbinary and i dont know what to tag this #they/them lesbian if this gets big somehow pls dont misgender me....#anyway!!#this has been rattling around in my brain for a few weeks now #like literally WHAT was i supposed to do but be obsessed forever #so i started writing it down and this happened #💚💙#ok L to me i meant to post this earlier in the evening oh well #fern posting

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emersonfreepress · 3 years

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okay so is there content that you had planned for the ROs and story in general but then scrapped cause there wasn’t a good place in the story to stick it in? and if so, can you share what it was? 👀 👀 👀

yes, definitely. *rubs hands together* oh man, you done asked THE question today xD I can't wait to get into this 😁

Academics. I almost decided to have classes and grades be a minor part of gameplay, but the more time I spent designing it the more I realized I wanted nothing to do with it 😂 I haven’t really enjoyed academic gameplay in other interactive fiction because I 1) hate having to choose between studying and interacting with awesome characters, 2) have terrible short term memory, and 3) hate school in general!! So instead I just opted to have the MC be really good at school, point blank period so I could focus on social drama and relationships instead! 😆

Physical skills. I spent literal months crafting the catering scene around setting up stats for stamina/endurance, dexterity, and strength instead of just magnetism, confidence, and persuasion. They had their own backstories with the MC’s parents being overly invested sports parents instead and I think the background choices were like... martial arts, gymnastics, and track? But yeah, I ended up scrapping it all because I was spending hours on research about those individual sports so I could integrate them into the MC’s narrative organically but like... when I tried to think of what use they would be in the actual story, I came up blank. Best decision yet, esp since it means a lot less coding!

Skin tone customization. For one, I noticed that a lot of my favorite IFs don’t offer that customization and it hasn’t impacted my experience at all. For two, I originally realized I might as well not implement it since I am striving real hard not to introduce any customization that won’t actually be mentioned in interesting or meaningful ways in-story. I don’t think it’s really all that common for real life friends (esp in high school?) to comment or compliment each other’s skin and like... when it comes from someone who doesn’t share a similar complexion or ethnic background, that type of commentary gets... d i c e y. So then I wanted to be sensitive to that but what’s the pay-off? An RO mentioning how they love your skin tone once? Awkward sentences with the MC referring to their own skin color? Idk, just wasn’t vibing with it. I’m open to revisiting it in beta or something but for now it’s scrapped.

Singing, Rapping, and Gaming as Hobbies/Talents. I feel bad about scrapping these, honestly 😂 They’re great and I really wanted to incorporate them but it just came down to already having a lot of stuff to code. Plus, I know I can write the Hobbies/Talents I stuck with far better. And for Book 2 purposes, as well!

Leo. as @sourandflightypeaches asked me about a long while ago, I had to scrap an entire RO 😢 His name is Leo, he was the nephew of wealthy west African diplomats residing in Emerson, and I love him dearly! His backstory was largely based on my mother’s childhood and the circumstances she lived through after immigrating to America. and... ok, i’m about to go on one hell of a tangent so buckle up and bear with me if you can 😅

my intention with this story, aside from writing things that I personally enjoy (graphic violence, spooky woods, social drama, romance, conspiracies 😚), is to explore greed, wealth, and how the ways people and families interact with those two things influence young people and who they grow up to be. here i go sounding pretentious af 😝 and here’s where I apply a cut for those who want to preserve a little mystery to the main characters!

With Gabe, we’ve got someone who grew up with very little stability or financial security but who has found unscrupulous methods to gain status and money, with both noble and selfish motivations.

Kile has some of that childhood experience in common with Gabe, having been in the foster care system since infancy, but they lucked out when they were adopted into massive wealth by a caring, loving couple—a couple that uses their wealth and privilege to be far more lenient and protective of Kile than is actually reasonable or responsible.

Jack comes from a prestigious wealthy family on his dad’s side who he loves dearly but there’s no getting around the fact that they love him back as much as they despise his working class mom.

Jessie is a spoiled sweet heiress (being the baby of her family and the only girl) and while she lives blissfully ignorant of the harmful source and impact of her father's income and career, she bears the weight of the expectation to fulfill very traditional gender roles, including her behavior and appearance, but also extending to her career and life plans.

Rain's wealth led to them growing up sheltered and isolated but also extremely accommodated, giving them maximum freedom and opportunity to discover and develop their personal talents and interests. However, they have almost no positive relationship with their parents who have essentially decided to give up on a kid that couldn't be exactly the accessory they tried to mold them to be—both in terms of their identity and personality.

Rupan/Rohan, at their very core, rejects everything about conformity, self-importance, and excessive luxury—which means they have never, ever truly fit in with their peers. Going full non-conformist, however, has resulted in them becoming alienated from much of their family, as well, despite them all loving each other very much. Their history with false friends and betrayals has led them to over-indulge in their vices and reckless behavior to compensate for that isolation. Sometimes, they just get in over their head and many times, they know better. Every time, it's just that the feeling of finally belonging is utterly intoxicating.

Vivian/Vincent has two extremely successful parents who didn't inherit but instead built up their wealth and they aspire to be just like them, to a degree that is well and truly unhealthy. Their mother specifically is an over-achiever and applies mountainous pressure for them to follow in her footsteps, especially academically. Vi is completely capable of achieving what their mom expects of them, but they were already an extremely sensitive perfectionist so this has made them intensely critical of themself. This is a large part of why they are such a rigid, no-nonsense person and that in turn has made them one of the most disliked people among their peers—which is a huge personal failure to them since their father is a very well-liked and socially successful person in town.

And the Emersons are peak privilege: inherent high social status, brains, looks, charisma, athleticism, and massive wealth. They could never have been anything less than extremely popular, just by virtue of their last name and the nature of the town's social dynamics and politics. And they do enjoy that privilege (esp Curt lol). However, it should go without saying that being so high profile, even (or maybe especially) just in the isolated scope of your hometown, isn't always a boon. Their family's and their own perceived failings are widely discussed and privately mocked and/or celebrated. Real friends are scarce while fake ones and snakes are plentiful. Plus their dad is a gigantic dickhead who sees his kids as extensions of his own status and reputation and not much else. Public shortcomings make for an unbearable time at home and the world outside the estate is at once overly accommodating, full of assumptions, and even subtly hostile at times—all unrelated to their own actions or character.

And with the MC, I think the narrative will make it clear there are several ways that story can go. You start off with irresponsible parents that have lost their wealth due to their own mismanagement and material ambitions—how that affects any individual MC should differ based on choices and consequences!

So why bring any of that up when I was supposed to be talking about my cut OC? 😂😂

Leo was going to be the unwelcome recent addition to his uncle’s household, the son of a brother his aunt hates for (petty af) Reasons, and she took that resentment out on him directly by restricting his access to nearly every aspect of the family's wealth. Especially material goods and living conditions. He was basically treated like the help, tasked with playing nanny for his many younger cousins and burdened with doing the homework and providing academic cover for his dumb as rocks cousin in the same grade as you all. To sum it up, he was basically a victim of trafficking at the hands of his own family with his uncle out of town enough to feign ignorance to how bad his wife was treating his nephew and his aunt going out of her way to keep him busy, at home, and isolated. This is sadly a super common form of trafficking in Francophone African cultures (although I don't think most people view it as trafficking. and I’m sure the same is true of other cultures but I don’t want to speak outside of my purview). And like I mentioned above, it’s how my own mom's (and idek how many cousins') child/teenhood went.

It’s a perspective on modern wealth, privilege and greed that I really, really wanted to tell. I am confident in saying it hasn't been explored in interactive fiction yet (though correct me—and direct me 👀—if I'm wrong) and out of all the wealth/greed explorations I came up with, it's the one I have the closest personal ties to and the strongest feelings about. The characters and plans I had for it were detailed and I'm proud of them but at the end of the day... I just couldn't find a place for Leo in the story at large.

Leo was, in fact, the last main character I came up with, when I had already designed and fleshed out the larger story and started crafting the timeline of major events. I think the worst thing I could have done for a story and perspective that I care about this much is shove it into a plot that didn't have room for it at the very base level, regardless of how well the character or his story is written. Shoe-horned characters always stick out. I didn’t want to disservice Leo by having him be the character that did nothing or could be removed from the main plot without affecting it at all, y’know? That’s so much worse than just forgoing the indulgence, imo :((

ugh.... Leooooo 😭 I'm so sorry bb, I failed youuu 😥

#lovely anon #answered #hotmess #ok I am truly so sorry for going on and on like this #writing #ch design #ty for this question it was really nice to revisit this stuff 😃#and a nice reminder to not look back lol #scrapped

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masterthespianduchovny · 3 years

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Tbh, I believe some of the reaction to Steve’s ending is an overreaction and, mostly, nothing to do with Steve or the point they are defending. I want to stress that I am saying some before people mistake that as well. And if you disagree, that’s fine.

1. In MY experience, because I’m not going to pretend ive read most takes on Endgame or read every crevice, people only talk about the timeline being ruined when it came to what Steve did and NOT how other timelines were meddled with. Someone could argue that Steve intentionally meddled, but according to the rules of time travel, intentionality doesn’t matter.

Who knows the unforeseen consequences behind knocking out Tony’s reactor. Who knows what happens with old cap after encountering endgame cap and not only fighting him, but hearing the name “Bucky?” Who knows the consequences of thanos and quo being transported 9 years into the future. Or what about the lady that spots Steve and Tony? And how Tony conversed with his dad.

We’re told or it’s implied that any interference can have devastating consequences, yet only Steve’s last decision is obsessively discussed.

2. Peggy’s agency allegedly being undermined. Sure, people could argue by the sheer virtue of going back in time and talking to her he’s undermined her agency, but we don’t even know how their original discussion went. We do not know what went down and people are robbing Peggy of her agency by essentially stating that Peggy had no choice in the matter.

Are we forgetting how intelligent Peggy is? That Peggy potentially asked Steve how was any of “this” even possible and the implication of his actions. And if it come off as condescending or patronizing, I apologize, but imho, it appears that some people, generally speaking, believe that because they dislike something that’s the same as it being bad. Other than, they just dislike what was given to us.

But, how does this undermine Peggy’s arc or rob her of her agency? How? I think some people want it to mean that her arc was undermined to prove Steve shouldn’t have went back to the past. And do people actually care about Peggy’s unnamed husband whose face we never see? Do they really care about her kids?

3. Bucky. People often cite the end of the line remark, but honestly, I think that’s being seen through a shipper lens. Steve and Bucky will clearly fight for each other to make sure the other is safe when they’re in present danger and will advocate for each other if necessary, but they’ve never been joined at the hip.

These are two people who are close who not only regularly acted independent of each other pre serum, was fine going long stretches without being around each other. I’m not even sure if they wrote each other letters. But, they most defintely love and care for each other.

So, pre serum Steve and Bucky are close, but aren’t around each other all of the time. They are fine going long stretches of time without communicating. And, even when reunited after Steve stormed the base solo, they still largely do their own thing. But, even back then, they’d die for each other.

When we get to winter soldier, Bucky’s death was still fresh for Steve. It’s only been a “few” years for him. He still feel responsible for not being able to save Bucky. But, not only that, Bucky was experimented on, was brainwashed, and a POW of Hydra’s—not only is Steve going to take that personally, he wasn’t going to give up on hydra even if it killed him.

Post destroying the helicarriers, Steve wants to look for Bucky after the film concludes to make sure Bucky is safe and has everything he needs.

In civil war, Steve’s mission goes from checking in on buckys well being to making sure Bucky isn’t murdered for something he was forced to do. When Bucky was originally arrested unharmed, Steve was fine. He’s not obsessing over Bucky. Then, when Bucky is brainwashed again, Steve refuses to leave Bucky to his own devices.

After civil war, Steve drops Bucky off in Wakanda and doesn’t think twice about it. Bucky is safe and has the proper resources to heal. They spend two more years apart; they largely haven’t spent any significant time together since Bucky regained his memory. Steve might have called Bucky via T’Challa.

And, just to be clear, I’m not arguing against stucky, it’s not my ship, but people can ship whatever they like, it’s the fact that we’re consistently shown that Steve and Bucky aren’t dependent on each other. That their lives and decisions do not revolve around one another. The idea that Bucky needs Steve or that Steve is abandoning Bucky is absurd.

4. Steve’s ending being a regression. People argue that Steve’s storyline is about moving on all while overlooking the fact that he consistently struggled with doing it.

In winter soldier, nat tries to get him to go on dates and Steve points out that is hard because the lack of shared experience. He clings to both Peggy and Bucky in different ways. They are both living, breathing pieces of his past that he was “taken” from.

Instead of having Sharon kiss him and this go no where (because it was poorly developed), they should’ve had Steve reflect on what Peggy’s death mean to him personally and moving on with his life. I guess her death and the kiss was supposed to signify that, but we don’t actually explore the character. We don’t allow him to sit with it. These things are done to shortcut the storytelling without actually exploring it in the world. But, Steve doesn’t talk about moving or and none of his actions support this in the overall story. Again, what we do see is for the benefit of the viewer and not Steve.

But, the biggest thing is: why do people conveniently ignore that what happened in infinity wars could lead to a huge regression? People talk about how Steve was “moving on”, but ignore the five year hell of post snap and him admitting that they “the avengers” couldn’t move on. That their failure would leak into other parts of his life as well and make him reconsider things?

5. Found family. It’s quite clear that the avengers, most of them, largely do not hang out together. They aren’t around each other unless they’re saving the world. Steve did not abandon his family or the avengers. They got along, but they all lived their own lives. And, it’s quite self centered to think you can’t ever leave a group because they can’t function without you. There were more avengers apart of the team then when Steve originally joined, some are powerful than he is and others have shown that they are just as capable leaders as he was or can grow into the role like he did.

But, the idea that Steve “abandoned” the avengers when they needed him most is absurd. His job was to prevent and protect NOT rebuild society. In infinity wars, he fathered the avengers. When the snap happened, he stayed and fought whatever threats popped up, but also ran a support group. Steve stuck through the worst of it. Steve didn’t give up on anyone despite being mentally exhausted. He unselfishly supported humanity as much as he could during that time.

Most of these criticisms ignore that Steve was always sacrificing and living for others. He was always a soldier first. And part of the reason he was so dedicated was because he couldn’t move on.

Many of these criticisms are so spiteful and most of them aren’t even because these fans care about Steve. They care about a found family that doesn’t exist. They care about a ship or ships that are now sunk. Some are upset that Steve lived and Tony died. But, many of them aren’t actually about Steve.

Nat doesn’t get shit for being willing to run away to be with Bruce in age of ultron. Tony doesn’t get shit for abandoning the avengers for five years because they “didn’t listen to him.” Others are allowed to make selfish decisions and put themselves first, but when Steve does it “what about found family??? What about the avengers???”

Almost everyone gets to live their lives MINUS Steve. Clint retired. Tony considered retiring before civil war. Like, minus going to the past and staying there, almost every criticism thrown at Steve can be found in another avenger who received little to no criticism in comparison.

Lastly, I’d also argue that Steve’s selfishness IS a sign of growth. People are allowed to be selfish at times. People are allowed to put themselves first.

At the time, it was important for Steve to move on because he couldn’t change the past. He had to live in the here and now.

But, then an opportunity was presented to him.

“I can go back.”

Steve living in the present was coping. He barely lived his life for himself.

People don’t have to like the ending and the time travel stuff doesn’t make sense from any perspective, but most of these angry takes aren’t about Steve at all.

#pro captain america #pro steve rogers #steve rogers defence club #Steve rogers

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twilightofthe · 4 years

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What was your opinion of the Clovis arc? People I know either love it or hate it, no in between. I generally liked it but found it waayyy ooc.

Hey anon, thanks for the ask!!!!

AHSJFLSLALK OK SO UH. Wow. Clovis arc. Yiiiiiiikes ok so. I totally agree with you on the fandom divide and I also totally agree that everyone involved in it is rather OOC for my taste. That being said, that case of OOC is exactly why I personally do not like the arc that much at all.

(Please note that my following words are MY PERSONAL OPINIONS, and that anyone is free to disagree, in fact I welcome the discussion, and even if this is your favorite arc, please consider yourself welcome on my blog I hold nothing against those who might like it)

Part of me was gonna make a short and sweet point about how I don’t like that TCW has had both of its main female characters have unwanted kisses forced on them, and instead of teaching young girls watching to tell those kinds of people to fuck off and respect their bodies, we get: 1. Just let it happen, you both must kinda like each other anyway or 2. Stay still then sit back while your boyfriend beats him half to death

But actually turns out I wanted to spend all day writing an essay so now you get this. So far I’m gonna hit four points:

the show’s constant need for Vader foreshadowing sometimes tending to completely override Anakin’s current mindset and personality he should have at this point in the timeline as well as his preestablished characterization

the way TCW gave Anakin a giant dosage of toxic masculinity to try and please the pissy movie critics who didn’t like that he cried

the role of Padmé and how TCW tries to portray her as a “strong woman” by just having her constantly be irritated by and sometimes even look like she actively dislikes her husband while simultaneously have her act OOC so they can blame HER and her actions for Anakin’s reactions and anger and overall Fall

How I think this arc is not irredeemable and that with some fixes it could be done decently— decently, not well, because a lot of this arc’s problems are also due to preexisting writing choices throughout the show

(Ok whoops this turned into a half Clovis arc rant half entire TCW Anidala commentary)

So firstly I wanna start that yes, I am fully aware that TCW is meant to fill in the gaps between AOTC and ROTS and help explain why Anakin’s mindset in the final movie is what it is and justify his Fall. Of course we need to show some Vader foreshadowing throughout the series, and in some places it is executed very well, notably the Mortis arc, the Bad Batch arc, the Wrong Jedi arc, as well as others that I can’t cite off the top of my head currently because I might have a mild touch of heat exhaustion wooo I need to get off the beach.

But it also has some rather hamfisted Vader foreshadowing stuff too. Like, y’all know the fandom joke where it’s like “Anakin: *Accidentally Leaves The Toilet Seat Up*. The Background Music: *BLASTS the Imperial March*” but like, they actually really do that. Like the time where they have Anakin take out a terrorist about to blow up an entire ship full of people and then play the Imperial March afterwards and imply he’s a “cold-blooded killer” just to defend the moral purity of the two people who were gonna stand there and let the ship blow in the name of idealism.

I’m getting off topic but yeah, sometimes the show’s Vader foreshadowing makes sense, sometimes it’s pretty forced, and the Clovis arc DEFINITELY leans towards the forced side, and when they try to force more of Darth Vader into Anakin at a point where he shouldn’t quite be there yet, it screws with his entire character.

This is particularly shown in the majority of the show’s takes on Anakin’s relationship with Padmé. Namely, they tend to forget nearly the entirety of AOTC with the exception of the Tusken murder scene, then forget even more of ROTS up until the point where Anakin strangles her on Mustafar. Basically, they take the truth that it was Anakin’s unhealthy attachment to Padmé that sparked his Fall, but then they decide to run with it where almost every single interaction he has with her in the damn show is him being a toxic overbearing dick to her and her acting like she mildly tolerates him at most and definitely doesnt respect him as like, I guess a way of showing what happened on Mustafar is in character for them???? Ugh, I’ll explain further.

So with Anakin’s aggressive possessiveness towards her. We know Anakin has possession and attachment issues. We know he’s a clingy needy whiny anxious mess who’s constantly afraid of losing or driving away the few people he has pinned his entire happiness on. We know he leans unhealthily on Padmé to provide the majority of his emotional support. We know he’s convinced himself he can’t live without her. But never, NEVER is it seen in the movies where his possessiveness turns into outward aggression towards her or this douchey pushiness. Never does he treat her like his property, like she belongs to him.

Not until Mustafar.

Not until he’s raving, half out of his mind with the warring emotions over the atrocities he’s just committed, until he’s begging her to understand where he was coming from, begging her and the child to stay with him and justify his decision, until he sees Obi Wan and sees her backing away from him, leaving him, and he PANICS because oh no no no you can’t abandon me, I need you, doN’T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME. And he lashes out and tries to force her to stay, punish her for leaving and doubting him, and he puts that hand around her throat.

And that is supposed to be when we know he’s crossed the line, when we’re supposed to be horrified, where we know he’s lost himself, because he has NEVER ACTED LIKE THAT BEFORE.

Now how does Anakin act before? In the movies? He’s deferential to Padmé in almost every other scene they’re in together.

In AOTC, yeah he stares at her a bit creepily from a distance, he says awkward things and does goofy stuff to impress her, but he does Not get in her face. The few times he does invade her space, she flat out tells him: stand back. Don’t look at me like that. Don’t say that. Don’t interrupt me. And Anakin always, always backs off, respects her wishes. He follows her lead and lets her call the shots both on Naboo when he’s supposed to be protecting her and when she organizes the Geonosis rescue and once they arrive where she flat out tells him “I’m a Senator, I’ll handle this, just back me up”, and he’s all but just “ok yes queen”.

But they aren’t married then. Fine, take ROTS. It’s a movie all about Anakin’s issues but even then, when he’s worried about Padmé dying, he tells her he’s worried and that he can’t lose her, but he still keeps a distance. He doesn’t constantly hover and loom over her. If anything, Padmé, both in ROTS and AOTC is always the one to approach Anakin and close the distance when there’s conflict. When Anakin is upset, he averts his eyes and distances himself, tries to draw in on himself and brood silently, and we’ve seen it in Palpatine sometimes (of course with bad motives but he still does), but Obi Wan and Padmé both especially needing to be the ones to come over, turn his face to them and be like “hey, look at me, I care about you, what’s wrong”. Padmé SAYS in ROTS when he’s feeling specifically conflicted about losing Padmé, “don’t shut me out” and has to come over to him because he’s retreated into a corner of the room to scowl angstily out the window. Anakin does NOT get overbearing and possessive of her or get in her face, not once in the films.

In the fucking show? The Clovis arc, while perhaps the worst offender, isn’t even close to being the first time Anakin has been overly pushy and aggressive with Padmé, or acting like she’s something he owns, From that time in the Senate Hostage ep where he’s bugging her about ditching work and all but acting like incels texting like “awww but babe my dick hurts :(”, from the FIRST Clovis disaster ep where he’s childishly trying to screw up Padmé’s mission, to the Clovis arc in season 6

And this is where they just roll right in with their “oh so Anakin’s an overbearing, entitled douche” bit with the interaction he has with Pads and he’s trying to talk her out of taking the Clovis assignment and he says something along the lines of “as your husband, I demand you don’t do this”.

Hwat. The Fuck.

What kind of caveman-esque, 1800’s-ass man of the house whom my wife must obediently serve kinda entitled-ass BULLSHIT?!?!?!?

Like, I’m sorry, I really am, but that is just completely out of left field and not like Anakin at all. I mean to the point that when he’s an evil Sith Lord trying to talk her into taking over the galaxy with him, EVEN THEN he does not include “Padmé you must join me because I’m your husband and you do as I say” sort of domineering assholerly.

Anakin does not push Padmé around. He does not TRY to assert authority over her or try and force her to do shit. Not only because she doesn’t put up with that kinda shit for a second, but because Anakin respects Padmé; he will treat her with respect. He always has, and sometimes like in this arc it really doesn’t feel like he does.

Now of course Padmé’s response to the “I own you” declaration is “fuck you, asshole, I do what I want” and doubling down on her decision, and then decides to go even harder on the mission if only to spite her douche husband (and we’ll get to Padmé’s characterization in a bit) which is a very different kind of Anidala conversation we see in the show as opposed to the movies (also discussed later).

Now, the reason for Anakin’s overbearing douchery ties directly into an overarching problem in TCW— honestly, one of the very few issues I have with this show, but the problem is that it touches nearly the entire thing —and that is they almost completely reworked Anakin’s personality to be more hyper-masculine alpha male.

This is a topic I’ve discussed on my blog before, but the gist is that in the movies, Anakin was not the typical male heroic protagonist and DEFINITELY not what people expected from Future Darth Vader The Masked Brutish Male Power Fantasy. He was awkward, he was shy, he was soft spoken, he was clumsy around the girl he liked, he was very openly romantic, he liked frolicking in fields and candlelit dinners and snuggling. Two of the most important people in his life were soft, feminine women and he openly loved them very dearly and very gently— and he deferred to them when he felt it was right, as I’ve mentioned before. He CRIED when he was upset and was messy and emotional. And fanboys hated this with a burning passion. They couldn’t project their power fantasy onto this!!!! The Anakin critics were a HUGE part of the mob who crucified the prequels to the point of chasing both Anakin actors practically out of the movie industry in general.

The Clone Wars writers were obviously petrified of this happening again. So their solution, as has always been Star Wars’s solution to hateful fans being upset about an innocent character, is to completely rework them, hide or retcon all the undesirable qualities, and act like everything was all fixed. Now don’t get me wrong, there are aspects of TCW Anakin that I adore. As I’ve also mentioned before, they got his humor, his cleverness, his eagerness to do the right thing, to help people, his relationship with Obi Wan and Ahsoka and his men, they got that all perfectly. But the rest??? TCW’s solution to the criticism of Movie!Anakin was to turn him into an agressive, dominant, violent shadow of everything “soft” he was in the movie

Now, he speaks loudly and more deeply. Now, he’s cocky and overconfident and while yes he was arrogant in the movies, now it’s dialed up to like an 11. He never cries, never even THINKS to show a negative emotion that’s not Manly Rage And Aggression(TM). And then there’s the way he is around the women in his life. No more awkwardness or shyness, now he makes jokes about being a “ladies man” and does whatever the fuck flirting he does with Miraj Scintel even though the Anakin from the movies would have needed like every scrap of his self control just to look at her without insta-murdering her face. And then there’s how he is with Ahsoka and Padmé. He is muuuuch more of a loud brash dudebro around them who pushes his weight and is kind of controlling and their solution is just to have the both of them be Strong Women(TM) who Fight Back whenever he tries it too hard with them.

With Ahsoka, it’s not too bad because it’s a brand new dynamic and she’s a rather agressive firecracker personality herself when we first meet her, so the constant Snips n’ Skyguy snipefest works for them. For Padmé? It just means that in far too many episodes they’re in there’s a point where Anakin says something Eh and Padmé gets mildly irritated to actually annoyed with him for it and she’ll talk down to him and then there’s an argument between them because he’s bullheaded and she’s a Strong Woman. Why do I consider these out of character?

In the movies, despite the flaws, Anidala is a couple who actually tries to communicate. Anakin feels open to speak about his troubles to Padmé and her to him (for the most part, she definitely has a savior complex and a tendency to squash her own shit so she can help deal with both Anakin’s and the galaxy’s at large) when they’re worried or concerned about something and they want to talk it out, so they’ll talk it out!

The problem with Anidala isn’t that they don’t communicate, it’s that they try but also only do it by halves because they hate fighting. They’ll talk, Anakin will say something that Padmé might disagree with— the fascism discussion in the Naboo field in AOTC, the question of whether the Republic is just or not in TPM —and she’ll try and correct him if she feels he’ll listen, but if he doubles down, she’ll go “ok you know what, agree to disagree, let’s not fight” and she subtly changes the subject because she hates fighting with him. If Pads says something Ani doesn’t like— telling Obi Wan about them in ROTS, some emotional advice she tries to give in both movies —he’ll flat out shut down and be like “I don’t want to talk about this, let’s drop it” and then seek out cuddles or affection as a distraction.

And that brings us back to the Clovis arc. The scene where the “as your husband” line occurs. Anakin is trying to talk Padmé out of doing this not because he’s jealous. Maybe he was jealous the first time he met Clovis and saw Padmé being all cute n’ fond with her old flame, but this time it seems almost entirely because last time ended in catastrophe and he’s genuinely worried for Padmé and feels she’s not thinking wisely, that she’s putting herself in danger.

However, Anakin is deciding to voice these concerns in Possessive Dudebro Pushing because of the aforementioned misguided Vader Foreshadowing and Toxic Masculinity. Padmé? Is not even CONSIDERING what he has to say, is just breezing on through and shutting him down at every turn and generally acting like he’s a dumbass who doesn’t have a clue about anything.

Now, it is very in character for Padmé Amidala to be all “I’m right, you’re wrong, fuck you don’t get in my way”. HOWEVER, they aren’t framing this as solely Padmé having a goal and bulldozing her way through the situation. That’s not how they frame this.

They frame this as: Padmé is embarrassed that she misjudged the situation wrong the last time and embarrassed even further that Anakin had to step in and get her out of trouble— which he brings up —and probably remembers that he made fun of her while he did it—

(Timing out to say that THAT scene was also OOC; they once more wanted a Vader parallel what with Anakin’s silhouette when he opens her cell door and the way Padmé’s sleeping pose is identical to Leia’s in ANH. But Anakin basically steps in and gives her this condescending-ass “awww the little wife’s gotten in over her head like I SAID she would, good thing I’m here to rescue her!” bit that’s really just MEAN. It’s not like him and Obi Wan’s/Ahsoka’s teasing snark whenever they have to pull each out of trouble, he’s just kicking her while she’s already down. Really, Anakin’s reaction should have been a lot less humorous and a lot more pissy; she didn’t listen to him, didn’t trust him, and ended up in danger because of it. It’d be a surly and upset “I told you so”, not an amused one.)

—and now it seems much more like Padmé is solely taking this assignment to spite Anakin for being a dick and to pettily prove that she knows what she’s doing rather than any sense or urge to do the right thing. And....... childish pettiness????? Is not Padmé. And yet, she has the entire immature “don’t tell me what to DO, Anakin” attitude this whole arc that amounts to WAY more than just the normal response she would have to his overcontrolling dickishness

And once again, it’s because she, like everyone else in the episode, seems to think the problem Anakin has is that he’s jealous of Clovis. He’s not, not really. He’s insecure, yes, but he also knows Clovis is a bag of dicks as well, and trusts that Padmé knows she’s better than that. His problem isn’t fears he’ll lose Padmé, it is entirely that Padmé isn’t listening to his concerns, doesn’t trust him, is going into a situation they both know is unwise, and he is frustrated he’s not in a position where he can look out for her since he feels she’s not looking out for herself. And, he’s not entirely wrong. Padmé IS being reckless and kind of irrational solely to prove a point. He just goes about it pretty much entirely the wrong way, which is what you can really say is the cause and effect formula for any problem Anakin Skywalker encounters and subsequently makes worse.

And then there’s That Scene. The one where Clovis tries to force a kiss on Padmé and Anakin freaks and almost kills him for it. I’ll start off by quoting another Tumblr user on that very scene by saying in regards to Clovis: “that bitch deserved that”. The almost murder? Maybe not that far, but the initial hitting for disrespecting someone’s “no”? Yep, that was deserved.

My first criticism is that Anakin shouldn’t have even had time to attack him because why the fuck wasn’t Padmé instantly kneeing him in the balls?!?! Like Padmé is not prone to violence immediately, no, but she can will and does defend herself immediately when she needs to— her right punch knocked someone tf out once when she was pissed —and she already gave him a warning that his advances were not welcomed.

Now, I am absolutely not victim blaming. I am NOT saying it is the fault of a woman (I’d be a hypocrite if I did and that’s all I’ll say on THAT), or of anyone when faced with sexual harassment, if they don’t fight back for whatever reason, no matter how capable of doing so they may be. What I’m saying is that considering her previous behavior and personality and the fact that the show NEVER goes deep enough into explaining heavy stuff like why victims might freeze or NOT fight back when faced with harassment, I feel like showing her not attempting to defend herself at all is kinda strange.

Now, Padmé’s utter passiveness to the situation aside, we’re going back into toxic masculinity and misunderstood interpretations of how Anakin displays possession. While I’ll repeat that Clovis deserved consequences for the forced kiss, Anakin going full caveman defending his property jealous rage just. Doesn’t feel right to me. Again, I think Anakin would probs hit him and put the fear of living god into him, maybe even I’d buy the attempted murder if they framed it as Anakin doing it because he hates those who force their will on others and disrespect women, but the whole that’s MY wife and you’re touching her shite just once more feels alpha male aggressive ridiculousness. Like again, I understand Anakin is possessive of Padmé, but not like this. I’m sorry, but I just cannot see that, him fighting over her like she’s a scrap of meat.

Like, I completely think she’s in the right tho to put them on a break after he does it though. That’s well within her right.

But then onto the FINAL part where after Clovis goofs and fucks them all over and then dies, she forgives him and blames herself for everything and apologizes. And like, that part I do see as in canon and character for her and for Anakin. He doesn’t like to admit his mistakes, her mistakes weigh on her and when she fails to fix or save someone, she falls into depression and upset and self-blame.

But the fact that Clovis died because Anakin dropped him? Anakin Skywalker, who scaled an entire elevator shaft carrying two people over his back who combined probs weighed more than Padmé and Clovis. Anakin Skywalker, who’s used the Force to lift tons of debris, who’s used it to hold back explosions, Anakin Skywalker, MOST POWERFUL FORCE USER IN HISTORY WHO TENDS TO RELY ON BRUTE STRENGTH FOR MOST SHIT ANYWAY. That Anakin couldn’t pull two people over a ledge?!?!?!?!? This has always bothered me.

Like to be honest; I feel this entire episode could have been so fixable too. Like keep Anakin’s obsessive worry over Padmé making a mistake, keep the best part of the arc which is his talk with Obi Wan where Obi Wan tries to connect with him and explain that he’s not alone, all Jedi have emotional struggles and have loved, if perhaps he wants to TALK to someone about it, Obi Wan is here for him, like that? That’s okay!

Just ugh ffs, get rid of the nasty Anakin treating Padmé like a naughty dog who won’t obey him and the Padmé purposely acting unwisely to spite Anakin plot. Have the entire conflict be both of them being upset that the other doesn’t trust them, doesn’t believe in their advice, keep Padmé’s speech about how marriages NEED trust and compromise to survive, take all of Anakin’s aggression towards Padmé and transfer it to aggression towards Clovis, like make the conflict him menacing the guy if he hurts Padmé again just because he’s being overprotective and “if you won’t look out for yourself I will” and Anakin getting constantly checked for not being able to control his emotions, Padmé can tell him off for being overprotective instead of overaggressive and his possessiveness can instead show through him arguing that he needs to keep her safe at all costs. THAT can be the argument.

And if they want the Vader foreshadowing? Like real, in-character Vader foreshadowing??? Tbh, drop the Clovis beatdown, drop the machoness towards Padmé, and just have Anakin blatantly DROP the douchebag at the end of the episode instead of his hand slipping. Make him choose to ACTIVELY kill Clovis. Like THAT, Anakin taking the law into his own hands and deciding that he knows best and this guy is dangerous and has fucked up one too many times, there being an opportunity where there’s an chance to save Clovis when they’re alone without Pads, “be a Jedi, Padmé wouldn’t want this, do the right thing” Clovis might say, and we can see Anakin’s face considering, and then he just “Long Live The King”s him and lets him fall and die, THAT is an in-character Vader foreshadowing.

Then at the end of the episode, we can have Anakin lie to her, say Clovis slipped, say it was too late, and Padmé can believe him, thank him for trying. Then there’s the same thing where Padmé apologizes, and we can have a callback to the convo about trust and she adds that she’s sorry that she didn’t trust him, and when she says that, we zoom in on Anakin’s guilty face.

There. That’s how I’d fix these episodes

And THERE, I think I’ve complained about everything, I am SO sorry for the gigantic ass post and response, I’ll add a read more once I’m on my laptop and not on the beach on mobile.

But yeah anon, I hope that satisfies your question xD

Once again, I welcome discussion if y’all either agree with me or if you have any differing opinions, I know my takes are far from hot for several people and I’m curious to see what others think!

#i’m SO sorry i got carried away but yeah this arc and one or two others (one in particular) are the only arcs that kiiinda set me off tbh #long post #ask #anon #one (1) hot mess #queen of my heart #star-crossed lovers #sw the clone wars #anidala #the clone wars

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in-tua-deep · 4 years

Text

tua rewatch with the roommate

Episode five

Oh fuck the “I found you. all your bodies.” scene

“We died?” “Horribly.” throwback to the ben convo o o f

“If perfectly arranged under rubble and otherwise unharmed counts as ‘horribly”’ - roommate

I like that Diego says he’s going to kill Hazel and Cha-Cha like it’s a challenge?? lol five doesn’t care if they live or die he only cares if u do you big dumbass

“Well I know none of the main characters die bc there’s a season 2... and i’m pretty sure they’re all in s2... like all of the family?”

I mean luther is kind of valid for being frustrated that five didn’t share about the apocalypse but also like,,, the first person five told about it (Vanya) suggested he might be insane. so. i can understand some reluctance on his part on top of the whole “the last time my siblings fought this the Whole World Died Including Them i would like them as far away from apocalypse stuff as possible”

okay okay so five says “they turned me into the perfect instrument” so do y’all think that implies experimentation like in the comics or ????

all i can think about during the kennedy scene though is my high school history teacher. he went over the assassination in intimate detail and i’m pretty sure he was writing a book about it and everything. mr. hansen if you’re out there -

i like feral beard five more than mustache five tbh if i’m picking

“Someone ELSE shot the president? Was he supposed to shoot kennedy or was he supposed to kill the person who shot kennedy?” - Roommate

love that five tells luther to grow up over murder,,, though to be valid pretty sure they did actually murder people as kids SO. grow down?

fuck i love mary,, will you love me like you loved me in the january rain??? just shoot me in the heart

GOD rob is such a good actor

“wait a second... how is he wearing pants?” oh roommate you have a big storm coming

i have some serious questions about the commission and their methods of communication. where do?? the tubes come from? where do they go after?

Allison: i have a bad feeling [about leonard]

where are these instincts for everything else tho??? her marriage?

“Vanya. she really is trying to look out for you. i really would trust her. you could invite her to come along so she can see he’s perfectly fine??” - Roommate, whose instincts regarding not trusting leonard-harold are spot on

apparently my roommate knows people who put salt in their coffee. i have. so many questions.

“That’s suspicious?? that’s suspicious right?? did he do that? is he a secret serial killer? is he a FUCKING secret serial killer?” roommate when they talk about helen cho going missing

“What do you mean stop showing up it’s been like. a day” - I mean. the roommate has a point.

Klaus’s depression bath is a mood :(

did klaus put eye shadow on before his bath or did he get his hands on eye shadow in vietnam?? the questions that will never be answered

Five is so enthusiastic about having someone who understands... he doesn’t even notice absolutely Not Being In The Mood,, klaus is grieving and five is just like !!! where did you go!!!! like it was a vacation

klaus: yeah i’m ten months older now. when i’m done being depressed i will lord that over diego for the rest of our natural lives.

does five write in all caps all the time?? why?

roommate: I wonder what the upper size limit on the knives her can use. like is it machete length? forearm length? what are the limits on his powers. if he sharpened a very sharp mechanical pencil could he use it? if he sharpened a piece of the chandelier? at what point does something become a knife?

me: could he hurl mia (my cat)? mia and her knife feet?

allison also writes in all caps to write leonard’s address

we stan agnes and hazel in this household

“I never said we didn’t !! i just thought she was just a random extra in the first episode and every time we cut away i think that’s the last we’ve seen of her” - roommate because i keep saying that this is an agnes stan household

“OH THERE’S THE PATCHWORK COAT i was afraid it didn’t come back” - okay though good question he definitely didn’t have the coat on the bus. what is it with klaus and his magically appearing coat????

oh :( oh klaus :( every time klaus is sad i am also sad :(

honestly a family conversation IS the threat in this family

god though this random vet in this bar is actually an asshole though like. klaus doesn’t owe him shit. klaus served. he’s clearly having a moment with the photo. that could have been a family member or something who died i don’t even know

agnes: i’m a twitcher :)

“like a twitch streamer?” -Roommate

PLEASE give me twitch streamer!Agnes au

look i just enjoy hazel and agnes

roommate: honey you’re too young for her

me: NO DON’T BE MEAN TO THEM,,, agnes deserves a boytoy

“does diego drive a manual?” my roommate once again focusing on things that i do not

five: i have to find the people whose deaths could save the timeline

my roommate: is it agnes?? is he going to kill agnes????

i’m still laughing about that fact that luther is holding dolores.... over the fire escape... she couldn’t drop that far lads

luther’s dumb sometimes but he does have some nice heart to hearts with his brother,,,, honestly he and five get along pretty well in the early episodes. kindred spirits. body dysmorphia and isolation squad.

my roommate has to keep remembering social media doesn’t exist in this universe

i am still confused as to why

that won’t stop me from giving everyone iphones and youtube accounts in my aus though

diego can curve ANYTHING he throws, usually knives, according to cha-cha’s research. but that doesn’t explain the spoilers i have seen about s2 sO

Klaus: You also told me that licking a nine volt battery would give me pubes

HOW DID I FORGET THAT LINE

oh diego got a bullet graze forgot about that as well?? does he ever get like. medical attention for that? diego?????

it really has been like. maybe two days since helen cho died. is no one??? concerned????? they just immediately jump into replacing her??????????????????? hellO?

“very clear camera angles to show that this actress did not actually play the violin for this role” - i mean that’s fair but ellen is trying rip

me: who’s your favorite character so far? roommate: that’s a tricky question. klaus is very entertaining to watch. allison is the most reasonable and i’m very interested to know, well, she seems like the best combination of reasonable and has the least selfish intentions. diego and luther i feel like are both good in a bland way in that they’re both doing good in the best way they can which usually involves punching people. five is fun. five is very fun. five is as fun to watch as klaus, they’re both very fun actors to watch on screen. they’re more expressive than diego and luther tend to be. me: so which is your favorite????? roommate: first instinct says allison, though she probably has the least dynamic or interesting arc so far

are hazel and cha-cha the best because their victims never see them coming?? like. they aren’t really THAT competent.

“I do LOVE the aesthetic of an ice cream truck playing ride of the valkyries” - my roommate is valid

“LOVE the hypersaturated background in this scene. it’s more fun that having it be desaturated.”

five looks so baby in this scene with the handler :(

still unsure where five got that handgun but i’m vibing

hate when she touches his face !! awful!!!

the handler’s little “all of them??” like yeAH ALL OF THEM even though they irritate the living FUCK out of each other. siblings man

ben gets shotgun for the getaway !!! go ben!

“I’m starting to think... given how space and reality seemed to be warping during her playing... that her medication... isn’t for anxiety...” - oh, oh roommate

ah i blocked out the leonard vanya make out as well

“DIDN’T YOU MEET HIM TWO DAYS AGO?” - yeah i feel u roommate

yup there’s helen’s body

“CSI call crime scene investigation - that’s going to start to smell real soon”

pogo: and you understand that the children can never know

me: actually pogo fuck you

and that’s episode 5 everyone thank you and goodnight

episode six

i do love a good flashback to klaus

klaus: sees a shirtless soldier and instantly falls in love

they don’T EVEN QUESTION HIM just “KATZ GET THIS MAN A PAIR OF PANTS” and they go with it?? he just APPEARED and they don’t even care

klaus was really just vibing in the 60s huh

wait this is like 1962 or 63 right

when does s2 take place?? also the 60s right???

didn’t kennedy die in 1963 i feel like what i know about s2 contradicts that date but i could have sworn they said a round trip to 1963??????

luther is SUCH A MOOD in the family briefing.

“aww he’s a bad liar” - roommate

“I realize that [the umbrella] was necessary for the title drop but where the fuck did that come from”

@ the handler please stop touching five,,, but also five has such. non reactions to her touching him. which worries me. like she grabs his shoulder walking alongside him and he doesn’t even look at her

why are there gas masks in the briefcase room...

can you IMAGINE if your boss toted a child into the room and introduced him as the Legendary Time Travelling Assassin that the whole office had a betting pool over who would die that one time and is Definitely approaching 60 not 13... and then called him LEADERSHIP MATERIAL. implying that this child will probably get a promotion before you do?? can you IMAGINE?

“again... two days ago...” roommate about leonard and vanya

vanya really chose literally just the worst time to come back to the academy huh

okay but vanya going off?? valid, but also,, i mean. it IS their dads fault that they don’t have any relationship with vanya?

luther: it’s about the moon roommate: critical role moon theory

hey like. how did the family get together in the first timeline holy fuck. it’s hard enough to get them together when they Literally Know The World Is Going To End

so remember diego getting grazed with a bullet yeah well he has a sling on now which makes sense!! and yet. when five got grazed by a bullet he SLAPS A BANDAID ON IT. someone please address this.

five is such an asshole coworker i love it

i wonder if dot is a mother. or just a nice coworker. she keeps trying to talk to him and invite him to lunch aww

i wonder if it’s purposeful on the handler’s part to call him “mr. five” instead of “mr. hargreeves” to like... further isolate him from his family? by removing his last name they’re sort of removing his ties to his siblings considering it’s not like they’re related by blood

forgot how much i hate the bathroom scene !! wow !! hate it so much!!! there’s so many violations of social etiquette in such a short scene! it’s so deeply uncomfortable!

luther: stop it pogo! you know everything our dad did

i am remembering once again how much i hate pogo all over again!! reginald literally locked klaus in a mausoleum!! he abused the kids! pogo didn’t even speak up about sending luther to the MOON,,, oh luther :(

he just learned his dad exiled him for no reason he has lots of rights his entire world view was just shattered wow i am like infinitely more sympathetic to luther on the second watch

“I knew allison and luther was a thing. you told me allison and luther was a weird thing. still not a fan.” - my very valid roommate

they could have made the fort so much more sibling-y instead of romantic and it would have been so much better honestly

oh dave :(

“I wonder who her primary care physician is and if she can find out what that medication was...” roommate i wish i knew

“I’m trying to decide if he knew ahead to time to try and get at her specifically or like... i don’t know when he took the figurine I was like ‘doesn’t he own an antique shop is he there to steal antiques from the family home’.” roommate on leonard

forgot the handler gifted five a suit. also don’t like that. don’t like her talk about his body and everything either.

“is it too much to ask to give him two outfits? one he can wear now and one with the new body?” - roommate

honestly with hazel’s talk on budget cuts i’m not surprised he only gets one suit

STOP TOUCHING HIS FACE,,,, HANDLER. STOP TOUCHING HIS FACE

five and his sweet tooth. don’t take the candy five. come on. what did your father TEACH YOU. honestly reggie probably was like “let them get kidnapped it will probably teach them a life lesson”

“there were like... villages that needed rebuilding after disasters. he could have been sending these packages to legit lunar research facilities. legit facilities would have adored to have that information.”

okay but people KNEW he was on the moon. cha-cha mentioned it. it was in vanya’s book. why were scientists not knocking down reginald’s door demanding the research??? if i was a moon scientist i would have the mansion staked out trying to demand info jesus

“love his eye fluttering in the way of ‘oh shit i got something in my eye i can’t break character scene is still going scene is stILL GOING’“ - hilarious observations from the allison luther fort scene 2.0: grown up version that gets erased

did they just leave the fort up all those years. did no one USE the green house??? did grace lovingly work around it all that time?

oh :( dave :(

grace is capable of lying and pogo is a shadowy motherfucker

“okay now that they’re actually putting it into the plot i understand why you don’t think he’s trustworthy but you really got on my back about that”

in my defense i just hate him tbh i did not like him when he first showed up and i never particularly liked him tbh

allison: i think you’re the only person who knows who i am and likes me anyway

me, remembering the theory that allison rumored luther to love her: HMMMMMM

okay but i think the luther and allison dance scene is fucking HILARIOUS. absolutely ridiculous. i mean i hate that it’s incest but also the fucking LIGHTS DESCENDING. the RANDOM WARDROBE CHANGE.

roommate likes the green underskirt thing under allison’s random dance dress

are they just doing this in public???

ugh. the kiss. ugh. erased that from my memory as well

“they clearly want romance in this show but they painted themselves into a corner with the siblings thing” - roommate

five and his fucking STAPLERS isn’t this the second time he’s knocked someone out with a stapler?? the bank robber and now gloria??

five please your siblings were finally doing some decent work on their own issues :/

five is the kind of dramatic as fuck entrances

“love how he just grabs [allison’s] coffee. kid needs a coffee after all that.” - roommate

five actually does a good job of rallying the siblings though?? they just broke the fuck up in the og timeline

“something tells me that harold jenkins might be leonard”

oh roommate

episode seven

uh oh harold was born

i feel vaguely bad for him

“me the night before a convention” - roommate on harold’s tape and cosplay and everything

okay but how did reginald even KNOW harold jenkins had no powers?? did he? keep tabs on all the forty some kids not just the seven he kept?

but also why the fuck are these people laughing at An Actual Child fuck all of them honestly

“did HE kill hargreeves?? I mean. he’s got motive.” - roommate

harold really said “i think my superpower is actually this hammer motherfucker”

how did he get twelve years?? was he tried as an adult?? was he in juvie? how old WAS he

twelve years ago... they’re 29 soooo seventeen? he did NOT look seventeen? he was NOT seventeen in that flashback what???

roommate theorizes that harold ran off after the murder and committed petty crimes until caught and tried for murder when he was seventeen so was maybe 13 in the flashback

okay so i looked up the timeline and he got out in 2014 or something so he was like 13 in the flashback which makes SO much more sense honestly but also what the FUCK was he doing for five years

“he’s actually laying out all the facts as he knows them and I appreciate that.” -roommate about five briefing the team

five?? the only member of the family with communication skills? it’s? somehow more likely than you think?

“allison’s pants that she’s wearing now are the most perfectly tailored things i’ve ever seen. not even a wrinkle when she’s standing still. do you know how hard that is to do?” again my roommate noticing the things i absolutely do not

five. five. you have a GUT WOUND and also jumped a BUNCH OF TIMES. you are not blinking into the police station and getting the file. you need some SLEEP. and REST. and WOUND CARE FIVE FOR FUCK’S SAKE. you still have a GUNSHOT GRAZE on your upper arm and a SLICE on your wrist from DIGGING OUT A TRACKER. FIVE.

diego wants to be batman SO BAD.

five crossing his arms and Not Uncrossing Them because he’s literally HOLDING HIMSELF TOGETHER.

wow luther is really handling this so much worse in this timeline rip

luther is losing validity points for CHOKING KLAUS i knew this happened but i didn’t remember how awful it was !!! bad and terrible! and luther is very drunk and very sad and very angry. oh. he’s saying he never left the house and never had friends for nothing :(

klaus had the realization that reggie was an asshole YEARS ago and he’s just kind of like “aww. luther :(”

klaus is trying so hard

“Klaus has had the most heart to hearts with the most siblings honestly.” - roommate

allison at the beginning making her laugh in the office with the EYES, five on the steps of meritech, diego after the vet bar, luther on the couch...

wow cha cha really thought hazel was talking about how meaningful his partnership was with her when he was talking about agNES

five limping up the lawn and staggering up the stairs and clinging to the rails baBY SIT DOWN. YOU ARE BLEEDING.

“inspiring leadership” “one of the greats” what a sibling moment honestly.

five really said “i think i will pass the fuck out now”

five really said “hey i am literally willing to die for this mission because this mission is the safety and lives of my entire family and i love you guys :(”

except he doesn’t because five is decent at information sharing but getting feelings out of him feels like pulling teeth at times smh

is leonard trying to vicariously live his “normal child born on the umbrella academy day discovers they have had powers the WHOLE TIME” dream through vanya??

we yell about how leonard and vanya have known each other for like a week but i mean same for hazel and agnes!! he’s literally asking her to run away with him and she says yes !!!!! agnes is here for the romantic adventure with this man she’s really living her first hot girl summer and living for it

“she’s having her own little rom com! she thinks she’s living in a rom com not a dark sci fi!” - roommate accurate as usual

she just called ben the emotional support ghost and i mean... she ain’t wrong

honestly klaus should have just left luther to his rave, he didn’t get to party in his teens or during his college years or anything

i do appreciate the viking yell of “B R O T H E R” that luther greets klaus with though because that’s exactly how i greet my own siblings whenever i see them

oh klaus :(

he’s having war flashbacks, cravings, is in withdrawal, AND experiencing sensory overload while reliving one of the more traumatizing moment of his life

oh klaus :(

five in a bed for the second time of the season which is nice for him. if only the first time wasn’t because he passed out drunk and the second time wasn’t because of a whole shrapnel wound. i am now that captain of the Let Five Sleep brigade holy SHIT like at least they imply that the others sleep five is just feral and ready to go at all times

are the police allowed to just. remove someone’s arm sling? is that permitted? his arm could be fucked up? i mean. it is? he was shot?

“I saw everything my brothers and sister could do ruin their lives” VANYA some REALIZATION up in here,,,, admitting that the umbrella academy wasn’t exactly a desirable place to be is actually some real growth for her and leonard just fucking shuts her down? fuck that man

VANYA SEE THE RED FLAGS FOR WHAT THEY ARE COME ON

oh klaus :( oh luther :( oh :(

“love his corset side pants, like benedict from violet evergarden” - on the topic of Klaus’s pants

“I made everyone else so I must have made you” says god except for the fact that the kids just... surprise popped up instead of coming about the natural way. maybe god DIDN’T made them????????

oh klaus :( prepare for disappointment :(

oh i didn’t notice the photos of the umbrella academy in the barbershop the first time i watched this

so klaus gives an age for the mausoleum... thirteen... do you think that was before or after five left? statistically it’s probably after bc it was only a couple of months after they turned thirteen that five vanished

Klaus’s “we were just kids” breaks my heart every time

if i was one of reggie’s kids i would have just not gone to the funeral. rip to the hargreeves kids but i’m different

he doesn’t even call klaus klaus in death, he still calls klaus number four. fuck that man.

“i was gonna say i’d have been very very surprised if they kept him dead” - roommate on klaus waking up

“Five bucks says he set these guys up to try and get something out of her” - the roommate being very perceptive

cha cha is VERY rude to my girl agnes

honestly why DIDN’T hazel just kill cha cha after her whole speech and threats about killing agnes slowly in front of him???? like he literally watched her try to kill him as well

why wasn’t diego arrested in the original day that wasn’t actually?? he was being considered already. he still left the house, albeit with grace instead of allison. why wasn’t he arrested then????????

roommate thinks it’s interesting how committed the show is to their old timey shit. she used a nicer words like anachronisms but the point is: w h y

are these episodes even longer than i remember?? holy SHIT

#tua rewatch #honestly these are half proof to my sister that i am watching tua #she keeps yelling at me about s1 #there can't be that many more episodes right #apparently there are ten episodes in s1 #that's a whole 'nother three hours #jeebus #and then ten more hours for s2 #so LONG

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dawninlatin · 4 years

Text

Tell me a story

Part of the Manorian Teacher AU. This one takes place only months after “Online classes are the worst.

Words: 2676

AO3 Link

Link to my masterlist and the other parts of the Teacher AU

A/N: It feels so good to write for this AU again, and this part might just be my favourite yet, so I hope you enjoy it<3

Feel free to leave a comment or some constructive criticism or whatever;)

I also am aware that the timeline in this AU doesn't make sense, but it's summer and I have forgotten math, so we'll just ignore that:))

Peace&Love<3 -Dawninlatin

It was on a warm July evening that Manon Blackbeak declared to no one in particular that she was done being pregnant.

Only moments later, her asshole of a boyfriend decided to crush all her hopes and dreams by walking into their bedroom and saying, «You still have three months left, babe.»

Not deeming him worthy of a verbal response, Manon instead grabbed the nearest pillow and hurled it across the room with full force, not that it was much these days. Gods, she was so tired.

The pillow didn’t even make it all the way to Dorian, instead it landed with a weak thump by his feet, and Manon let out a frustrated sigh as he made his way over to her, taking the pillow with him and placing it back with the many, many others.

Manon was nestled on their bed, amongst the horde of pillows, all of them meticulously placed to create the perfect position, the only way she could sleep with a two pound human being inhabiting her body.

«Don’t worry, those three months will be over before you know it,» Dorian tried to comfort, picking up a discarded t-shirt and pulling it over his bare chest. His inky black hair was still wet from the shower he’d just had.

«That’s easy for you to say,» Manon mumbled, crossing her arms.

Something in her expression made Dorian pause, a guilty look on his face. «You’re right, it is easy for me to say. How are you?» He sat down on the bed, and Manon took in the pleasant smell of men’s soap.

«Exhausted,» she sighed, rubbing her swollen belly. Manon didn’t know how she could take three more months of a constantly bloated and aching body. Already she felt as if she could burst at any moment, and bigger would she get. None of her clothes fit, so she had simply taken to just wearing Dorian’s. Then there was the fact that she had to pee every ten minutes, and she still got nauseous, even if she was far past her first trimester, and no matter what she ate, she was kept up half the night by heartburn.

Yet the physical exhaustion was nothing compared to the emotional fatigue. All the hormones heightening her every emotion, and it completely drained her. She got incredibly angry and frustrated by the littlest things, and she cried. All. The. Damn. Time.

The fact that they were in the middle of a pandemic, and that the world was falling apart around her didn’t exactly help. Manon didn’t take well to spending all her days cooped up in their small house. She wanted to go out and do something. Instead she spent all her days inside, watching crappy TV, trying to ignore how helpless she felt.

Manon truly envied Dorian’s ability to sit down with a book and wholly disappear in it. Sometimes he stayed in that bubble of his for hours, paying no mind to the world around him.

All of this felt like some sick, twisted, alternate reality where everything was well on its way to hell. And for her part, it had began with a positive pregnancy test.

The baby had been a shock to them both. After feeling sick for a few weeks, Manon had taken a test just to rule it out. She hadn’t expected to find two pink lines staring back at her. Kids had never been part of her ideal future, but as she saw the positive test, as she saw how excited Dorian got, no matter how much he tried to hide his joy, she couldn’t stop picturing them as a family. Couldn’t stop picturing a small child with Dorian’s blue eyes and inky black curls and irresistible charm. Deep down, she wanted them to share this together. And Dorian would make a great father. Manon on the other hand…

Quarantining made it even harder for Manon to deal with her pregnancy. How was she supposed to enjoy this, supposed to create a bond with her unborn child when all her time was spent inside, isolated, silently panicking over the state of the country? She didn’t get to stroll around shops, buying cute baby clothes, didn’t get to visit friends and family, sharing this journey with them. Manon had been to one ultrasound, and Dorian hadn’t even been allowed with her. The worst of it all was that she felt like a selfish, whining bitch for being sad about it all.

Now that summer vacation had started, she didn’t have work to look forward to either. As a science teacher, there was nothing she was more passionate about than her job. A few weeks back, she’d had to say goodbye to her graduating seniors over a fucking video call. It had taken all of her stubbornness and unrelenting will-power to not burst into tears in front of them. They didn’t know she was currently a hormone-filled mess. Gods, how she would miss those brilliant young minds that annoyed her to no end. She’d never tell them that, of course. She had a reputation to uphold after all.

But without the distraction of her work, she’d had to take up other hobbies to busy herself. Yesterday, Manon had cried her way through an entire season of ‘Our Planet’ while knitting a blanket for their baby. Knitting, of all things! It had quickly become an obsession, and truth be told, she was excellent at it, but it was something Manon had never imagined she’d be filling her time with. Maybe this was what they called nesting?

Her thoughts were interrupted as she noticed Dorian moving down the bed and settling with his head next to her belly. He had a book in his hand, one he’d pulled out from their crowded bookshelf. It was thin with a picture of a sweet-looking dragon on the front. Manon also noticed how old and worn-out it was, the spine barely binding it together.

Dorian cleared his throat, turning to the first page, and Manon let out a confused chuckle. «What are you doing?»

«That weird pregnancy app I downloaded told me that our baby can register sounds from outside now, so I’m reading them a bedtime story.» He looked at her as if it was obvious that’s what he was doing. Then he turned his head back towards her belly, his voice turning high-pitched. «And you better get used to it, dude…or dudette, ‘cuz I’m gonna read you a story every night from now on.»

Manon tried to control her laughter, but his baby-talk, mixed with the ridiculous look on his face made it very hard to hold it in. She laughed even more as he kept going. «But if I’m gonna read to you, your mommy needs to stop laughing at me! Yes she does!»

Hearing herself referred to as someones ‘mommy’ made her chest tighten uncomfortably, but no matter how wrong it sounded, she ignored it for now. For Dorian’s sake. Instead, she chose to mask her fear and doubt with flirty banter, as usual. «If you’re spending the entire evening in my lap, you might as well go a little lower and put that mouth of yours to good use.»

«MANON!» he chastised, playing the perfect role of a disappointed parent. Dorian placed both his hands on her belly, as if covering a pair of ears, and said in a hushed voice, «There are children present!»

Chuckling, Manon answered, «That’s not what you said last night when you-»

«CHAPTER 1!»

As she beheld the exaggerated look of shock and horror on his face, Manon failed to hold in her cackling laughter any longer.

Manon had closed her eyes long ago, simply enjoying the sound of Dorian reading one of his favourite books to their unborn child.

He was a natural at storytelling, his tone eager, making up different voices for each character, giving life to it. Manon knew he would make an excellent father. Could already picture him with their child, reading them books, tucking them into bed at night, soothing them after a nightmare.

Whenever she tried to picture herself as a mother, the only image coming to her mind was the image of her grandmother, the woman that had raised her, the woman that had made Manon’s childhood a living hell. Who was she trying to fool? She knew nothing about motherhood!

As she kept spiraling, tears began to sting in her eyes. Manon tried to stop them to no avail. She sniffled, and the noise got Dorian’s attention. Turning his head, he found her shaking with silent sobs.

«Manon? What’s wrong?» He rushed to her side, the book completely forgotten. He pulled her to him, stroking up and down her arms, and the loving gesture only made her cry harder.

«Talk to me, love,» he whispered against her hair.

But how could she? How could she possibly express everything she was feeling? All the fear and doubt. And Dorian was so excited, Manon didn’t have the heart to take that joy away from him by telling him how she really felt about all of it.

Instead, she voiced the one question that had been playing at the front of her mind for months now. «Do you think I’ll be a good mom?»

«Oh, Manon.»

Her breaths came in choking gasps, and no matter how hard she tried, she simply couldn’t get enough air.

«Breathe,» Dorian tried to soothe, running his hands up and down her back in long, calming strokes. Manon let her forehead fall to his shoulder, clutching his shirt.

«I just-» she began, but she didn’t know what came next. Drawing a ragged breath, she tried again, «I have no idea what I’m doing! Like, do you know all the ways a baby can die? You hold it wrong and it breaks! And I have no idea how to be a mother! None! Everyone says they’ll be different than their own parents, but in the end they end up the same, and I know I will be just like my grandmother! I can’t do this! I can’t-» Her words turned into a heartbreaking sob.

«Look at me,» Dorian said, taking her face in his hands. His thumbs brushed over her cheeks, wiping away her tears only for more to follow. «Do you think I will be just like my father?»

His question took her by surprise, enough that she regained some control over her breathing. «Of course not!» Manon blurted out, wiping her eyes. «You’re nothing like him!»

«Exactly, and you’re nothing like your grandmother,» Dorian said firmly. Manon started shaking her head, but he grabbed her chin, forcing her to meet his eyes.

«I know you’ll be a great mom.» She was about to protest, but Dorian beat her to it. «You’ll make our child feel so safe, and loved, and supported, no matter what.»

«Dorian-» Her words died on her tongue as she saw how he looked at her, his eyes shining with love and adoration.

«You wanna know how I know that?» He pressed a kiss to her temple. «Because that’s how you make me feel, every single day.»

Dorian laid down, pulling her with him so that she lay with her head on his chest, feeling his heart beat, a steady rhythm that grounded her. Tears kept streaming down her cheeks, but her breathing had gone slow and even.

Manon broke the silence by whispering, «I’m so lucky to have you.» Dorian hummed in response.

They nearly fell asleep like that, until Manon suddenly spoke, her cracked voice startling Dorian in the process. «Will you keep reading? I wanna know how the story ends.»

This brought a huge grin to his face, and Dorian gladly slid back down to her belly, kissing it once, before picking up his discarded book. Manon settled back against her pillows while he skimmed to the right page.

Dorian cleared his throat once more, and picked up where he left, telling the story about a small, brave dragon that would much rather spend his days in fields of flowers than fighting wars.

«The end,» Dorian finished at last, a yawn escaping Manon’s lips.

«I liked this one,» Manon whispered. «You’re a great storyteller.» Dorian closed the book and sat up, a strange look on his face.

His eyes softened, and he said, «It’s not done yet.»

Manon’s face shifted into a confused expression, but Dorian didn’t explain further, simply placed the book on the nightstand, taking her in with burning intensity.

Outside, it had gone dark, the only source of light being the string lights that hung from the ceiling. They cast a soft, golden glow over the room, making Dorian look ethereal. He drew a ragged breath, before speaking, his voice quiet, «And as the lost man finished telling his story, he looked down at the love of his life, her white hair shining like liquid moonlight, her golden eyes glowing brighter than any star. He laid down next to her, face to face, took her hand in his, and asked, his heart ever so hopeful, ‘Will you marry me?’»

Manon couldn’t believe this was happening, her eyes widening in shock. Not pulling her gaze away from Dorian’s, the man she loved more than she could fathom, could ever put into words, she managed to choke out, «You- You’re asking me to marry you?»

«I am,» he whispered back, brushing a few loose strands of hair away from her face. «Wait a second, will you,» he blurted out, turning towards his nightstand and opening the drawer. «I actually have a ring,» he continued while rummaging around for it, his voice frantic.

«Got it,» Dorian said, facing her again. He inhaled once more, bracing himself. «I’ve had this ring for a while actually. I bought it straight after our first date, because I knew, already then, that there were no one else I’d want to spend my life with. You’re the love of my life, Manon. You’re my best friend, my equal, my everything, and I would be honored if I would also be able to call you my wife.»

How much love could a heart take before it would burst? Manon wondered to herself.

Flustered, Dorian kept talking, kept rambling, and damn her if it wasn’t the most adorable thing she had ever witnessed. «I had planned this big proposal with a candle lit dinner and roses and every other cliché ever invented, and you deserve so much more than this,» he gestured to them, to their bedroom, «but I couldn’t wait any longer, and-»

«No, it’s perfect,» Manon interrupted, shaking her head in disbelief as she took in the gorgeous ring. It was a thin, golden band with a simple, turquoise stone. It was really just perfect, all of it. Yes, she was in her - no, actually his - worn out pajamas, her hair pulled into a messy bun, her face bare, without any makeup, but it was perfect. She couldn’t have imagined it any different.

«Is that a yes then?» Dorian asked, his voice full of hope.

«Yes,» Manon laughed, and at the enormous grin appearing on her fiancé’s face, she burst into tears. «Those damn hormones,» she managed to choke out in between sobs, letting out an incredulous laughter.

Though this time it wasn’t purely the hormones’ fault. She had never felt so loved, and she knew Dorian felt the same way, because his own eyes were also lined with silver, mirroring her own.

After he put the ring on her finger, she pulled him into a tight embrace, pressing her lips to his. As they laid there, Manon took Dorian’s hand, placing it on her belly, where their child, their baby, had begun kicking ferociously. He gasped as he felt the fluttering kicks, and she couldn’t help but smile at the look of awe on his face. How right it felt, to be three. A family. Manon marveled over the feeling, something settling deep inside her.

Maybe the future wouldn’t be so bad after all.

#manorian #manorian fluff #manorian fanfiction #dorian x manon #manon x dorian #manon blackbeak #dorian havilliard #sarah j maas #tog #throne of glass #throne of glass fanfiction #tog fanfiction #modern au #dawninlatin teacher au

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kindrednerdspirit · 3 years

Text

Sometimes A Thing Feels so Right: Part 2

Excerpt: Maybe she should be grateful she even knows someone could make her feel the way Newton does. Lately, though, it’s hard to feel grateful. Izzie is back to the ol’ numb-your-emotions-to-get-through-the-day routine. Her mum left again. No note, no nothing, just unanswered questions and disappointed kids.

TLDR: Timeline is after Season 3, Episode 9. It’s canon, except Izzie and Casey have not made up. Also, Evan and Casey are close friends, not just awkwardly figuring out how to be friends. Excuse the roughness, this is a work in progress.

The timeline for this story is after Season 3, Episode 9. I felt like the time in between the party where Izzie kisses a random guy (E9) and the part where Casey and Izzie make up (E10) could have been longer. It wasn’t necessarily rushed, but there was lots of potential to add more, especially in regards to Izzie’s internalized homophobia. I thought it would be fun to flush out Izzie’s feelings, and show her coming to terms with being gay. She realizes it’s not worth hiding a part of herself, especially if it means losing Newton.

Everything is the same as canon, except Casey and Izzie have not made up. Also, Casey and Evan are close friends. I think S3 E10 ends on a note where they’re friends, but still awkwardly figuring out what that looks like, so in what I just wrote, they’re solid friends.

This is unfinished, as you’ll see (it’s too jumpy), but my plan is to continue working on it. There are some things about the beginning that I don’t like, particularly the student council scene, but I’m struggling to think of ideas on how to improve it. So know that things are a work in progress and subject to change.

With Izzie’s emotions on my mind, I considered how the show hasn’t written much about her home life, either (not yet anyway--cannot wait for S4). So, I decided to write about life at home, her siblings, and the weight of having an absent parent. I was inspired and struck by the scene where Elsa sits down with Izzie, and shares how her mother was absent, too, and how that impacted her parenting style.

If you’re wondering why Izzie is hanging out with a superficial, “mean girl” crowd, it’s because I think that’s the role she played before she met Casey. This assumption is based on how Izzie first treats Casey, like when she pretends she pushed her during the sprint and when she refuses to help Casey on her first day of school. I’m also considering Izzie’s intimidating presence, and how she seems to have influence over her nameless, pre-Newton friends. This influence can be seen when she shows up at Casey’s birthday party with their Clayton Prep friends. I’m assuming that Iz is the main reason why they’re all there.

Phew! Anyhow, that’s how this piece began. Thank you for reading. Reach out if you have ideas, suggestions, criticisms, etc., or if you write Cazzie or Atypical fanfiction, too.

Friday, two weeks after the party. Izzie.

Since the party, the only thing Izzie knows about her and Newton, is that Newton wants nothing to do with her. It makes sense, really. Right after they almost kissed, she bolted and made out with someone else. Sometimes, Iz thinks of how turned on she was when Newton leaned in to kiss her. The memory alone makes her feel alive. It takes her out of the daily havoc and chaos created by her mother, reminding her of better things. It’s not like she savours the memory of Newton, though, or uses it to make herself feel better, because it inevitably gives way to embarrassment. Izzie went all the way with Nate and never, not once, did her body to respond to him like that. How could she be so dense to not know something so obvious about herself?

Maybe she should be grateful she even knows someone could make her feel the way Newton does. Lately, though, it’s hard to feel grateful. Izzie is back to the ol’ numb-your-emotions-to-get-through-the-day routine. Her mum left again. No note, no nothing, just unanswered questions and disappointed kids. It’s been a long time since Iz held any hope that her mum would stop using. Her siblings are different. Sometimes they still wait for her, awake in their beds at night, hoping she’ll come home safe.

But her siblings are all younger than her. Jason, the oldest, is eleven. He helps out with Alysha, their seven-year-old sister, and Arya, their two-year-old sister. He is so unbelievably sweet and Iz has no idea where he gets it from. She tries not to place too much responsibility on him, though. He’s still a kid, and the last thing she wants to do is rob him of his childhood.

Iz walks up the stairs to Clayton Prep as the warning bell rings. She cut it too close today. Selena has been sick this week, so the usual morning routine was a slog. She’s fussy, so Izzie woke Jason earlier than usual to help Alysha get ready. Iz considered an earlier wake-up time for herself but Coach is particularly barky lately, concerned that she is not getting enough sleep. It’s annoying when Coach notices things, because she’ll ask if things are okay at home. And what is Izzie supposed to say, exactly?

“My mum is an addict.”

“My siblings need me to take care of them.”

“I’m worried that I’ll have to quit track, because my mum is a mess.”

“At any moment, the floor could fall out from underneath me, and I live with that possibility every day. But yeah, things are okay at home.”

Anyhow, Iz knocked on Jason’s door and gently shook him awake. Waking Jase 20 minutes earlier than usual doesn’t count as ruining his childhood, right? His response is a groan and a loud, “Why!?” That’s how Izzie knew it was going to be one of those mornings.

Like usual, the rest of the morning was a blur as Izzie got Arya ready for the day, while monitoring Jason and Alysha. She fed Arya as they got on their shoes.

“Where’s your coat, Jason?” Izzie asked in between scooping spoonfuls of mashed banana into Arya’s mouth.

“I don’t need one.”

“You wear your coat when you leave this house. Go get it, please.” She handed Arya their agendas and lunch, then kneeled in front of her.

“Love you, hon.” She said before giving her sister a big hug and a kiss. Jason returned with a blue jacket and gave Iz a quick one-armed squeeze before running out the door.

“Wait for your sister!” She yelled after them before the door slammed shut.

When Izzie’s mum is sober, she leaves the house at 7:30 am, promptly arriving 15 minutes before the warning bell. With her mum AWOL and Arya needing to be delivered to her grandparents, Iz gets to Clayton Prep 15 minutes later than usual--too late for somebody trying to get into UCLA.

Izzie rushes to her locker. Her pre-Newton friends, who’re her current friends, wave and tell her to “hurry up.” Iz turns her lock clockwise, counterclockwise, clockwise in its familiar pattern, then opens the door. As she is switching out binders, her heart stops when she sees a folded piece of paper. A note from Newton? Not wasting a second, she grabs it and opens it.

It reads, “Do you like me?” Two unfilled boxes are underneath, one with the word “yes,” the other with the word, “no.” There is no name indicating who wrote it.

Izzie’s heart pounds in her chest. Newton didn’t write it. This would, sadly, be the most exciting part of her school day. She stuffs the note in her pocket and makes her way to the library.

Student council is a new gig for Izzie. She has essentially reverted back to her pre-Newton self. Her old friends happily welcomed her back, inviting her to join student council in the process. There is Scarlet, who is like Regina George with less anger. She’s popular, bossy, mean, but she doesn’t mess with Izzie. Then there is Harmony, who is like Scarlet’s right-hand woman who does what Scarlet says. She probably has a personality, but Izzie hasn’t seen it, yet. Maybe Harmony will get a personality once she snaps. Lastly, there’s the new initiate who Iz is just getting to know. Her name is Mel, and she seems sweet. Why she’s hanging with Scarlet or Harmony is still a mystery to Izzie.

Iz enters the room right before the bell rings, and pulls out a chair. Everyone is looking at her.

“So?” Scarlet mischievously smiles. “Any new news?”

“No.”

“No… notes?” Harmony jumps in.

“Oh, yeah, but no name on it.” Izzie pulls the note out of her pocket, unravels it, and puts it on the table.

Scarlet snatches the note and examines it, while Harmony and Mel lean in.

“It’s from Brad. As in Nate’s friend, Brad.” Scarlet points to a previously unfolded piece with Brad’s name. The girls look giddy, all with wide grins on their faces. Well, at least Harmony and Scarlet are grinning, Mel looks uncertain. She likely has no idea who Brad is. Lucky girl.

Izzie sits on the other side of the table, not impressed. “Great. The best friend of the dickhead who lied and cheated on me likes me.” Iz starts fishing her binder and pens out of her backpack.

“Oh, come on, Iz. Chin up. This could be a great rebound for you. Also, it would totally make Nate jealous.” Scarlet and Harmony giggle.

Iz enjoys the thought of an angry Nate, too, but she mostly doesn’t care. “Can we not talk about Nate? I’d rather just get started.”

“Yikes. No help this morning, either?” Asks Scarlet.

Izzie shakes her head. Unfortunately, Scarlet and Harmony are very aware of Izzie’s home life situation. Iz had a moment of weakness months ago (pre-Newton), where she broke down and told them about having to look after her siblings.

The girls are empathetic to Izzie’s situation, promptly starting the student council meeting. There is a school dance coming up that has Harmony and Scarlet’s attention. Iz zones out, thinking about how everything at Clayton Prep drags without Newton. It’s less interesting, less fun. She remembers the time she pretended Newton pushed her during their first sprint. Shame immediately rushes over her at the thought of the memory. Izzie was so certain Newton was just another over privileged rich kid.

“Iz?” Scarlet is staring at her.

“Yeah?”

“Wow, where were you? We’re voting on Mel’s idea. Should we ask for LGBTQ+ safe spaces in our next meeting?”

Izzie is caught off-guard. Usually, the conversations revolve around more trivial things, like dances and hem lengths on the girls’ uniforms. Her mouth moves before her brain catches up.

“Yeah, I support Mel’s idea.”

Scarlet raises her brow. “Okay, you two can brainstorm ideas for making safe spaces. Harmony and I will keep working on the dance.”

Mel turns to Izzie, “Thanks.”

“Yeah, well, Clayton Prep is supposed to be one of the more progressive schools, but I barely see any posters or anything saying it’s a safe space.”

Mel smiles and nods, “My thoughts exactly.”

Izzie feels her heart skip. Is that… excitement? Did something more interesting happen today than a jock’s secret love note? She tries to keep herself from smiling too wide while brainstorming with Mel, who is suddenly the only other person on her radar.

Later that evening

The first clue that her mum is back is the hunk of junk parked in the driveway. The second clue is the smell of pepperoni deluxe pizza that hits Izzie when she pushes open the door. Her mum always bought pizza as an “I’m sorry” treat. Iz walks into the kitchen with three large bags of groceries--groceries that she rushed to buy after school, so her and the kids could eat dinner at a reasonable time.

“IZZIE, my beautiful, gorgeous girl!” Her mum gets up from the table and gives her an exaggerated hug in front of Boyfriend Number… Six?

Iz doesn’t know if she’s high or not, and doesn’t care to find out.

“Hey.” She’s short as she puts away the food.

“This is Steve. Steve, meet Izzie, my oldest.”

“Hi, nice to meet you.” Steve almost sounds like he means it.

It’s never worth her time to meet her mum’s boyfriends, so Izzie ignores them and puts away some pasta sauce and beans.

“Hey,” her mum’s tone flipped remarkably fast, “I raised you better than that--don’t ignore people when they talk to you.”

Iz has also learned, over time, that it’s best for her to preserve her energy when it comes to her mum. This is one of those battles that wasn’t worth her time.

She turns to Steve, expressionless, and says, “Hi,” then immediately begins to put away canned corn and soup. “So Steve, were you in the picture before or after my mum left without notice for five days?”

No answer from either of them, but it doesn’t matter, the situation is disappointing enough already. Iz slams the cupboard shut and leaves to check on her siblings. She numbed herself the moment she walked through the door, anyway.

Saturday morning.

Iz wakes up the next day to a bright, beautiful Saturday morning. She groans, not wanting to deal with her mum today, so she decides to go for an early run. Leaping into her hoodie and track pants, she pads down the hallway and into the kitchen.

“Hi, beautiful.” Her mum is sitting at the table with a cup of coffee.

Iz frowns and fills her water bottle. “Did you sleep last night?”

There’s a scoff and a shuffling of feet. “What does it matter if I slept or not?”

“You know it matters!” Izzie’s raised voice even surprises her. Insomnia is one of her mum’s symptoms when she’s taking too many painkillers.

Her mum doesn’t say a word.

“Where did you go?” Izzie presses.

“I’m not having this conversation with you right now.” Her mum gets out of her chair and leaves the room. Other symptoms include hostility and mood swings. Nowadays, it was difficult for Iz to pinpoint her mum’s “normal” level of agitation. She always seemed sad or angry.

Feeling the familiar anger rise in her chest, Izzie calls after her. “Wherever you were for the last five days, I hope it was worth it!”

Friday, two weeks after the party. Casey and Elsa.

It’s a normal day in the Gardner household, whatever normal is when Casey’s autistic brother understands her relationship with her ex-girlfriend through the lens of two gay penguins who adopted an egg. And now Casey is not with her ex (hence the term “ex”), so she’s wondering if there’s another example of a gay penguin that Sam can compare her to that doesn’t have a partner. Oh, and then there’s her parents who are living together but not technically together, but they sometimes go on dates...

Anyhow, Casey is readying herself for a run. She wolfs down some pancakes made by Elsa, who is doing her typical mum thing and staring too long at her daughter.

“What?” Casey asks in between mouthfuls of fluffy, syrupy deliciousness.

“Have you talked to Izzie, lately?” She asks because for over a week, Casey hasn’t been looking at her phone with a goofy smile on her face, or laughing to herself while staring at the screen. Something is up.

“Nope.” It’s a firm “no,” denoting that there’s nothing else to say about the subject.

Elsa is not convinced, but letting her kids come to her for support has been not only rewarding, but extremely successful, so she doesn’t press further.

“Uhm.” There’s a beat as Casey wonders whether she should continue or not. “I saw grandma yesterday.”

Elsa stops washing the plate she’s holding, and turns to face her daughter. “Oh. Where?”

“Outside the hair salon. I crossed the street and talked to her for awhile.”

“That’s good!” Elsa nods a bit too vigorously to sound convincing.

“Why don’t we see her much? I mean, like, what happened between you two? For real.”

Casey knows that Elsa and her grandma don’t get along, but Elsa has held back on telling her daughter the full truth. Painting her mum as an alcoholic, absent parent wasn’t how Elsa wanted her children to see their grandma. And, even though those days are in the distant past, they still stir up difficult feelings for Elsa.

Maybe she was unwittingly selfishly avoiding this conversation? She used to tell herself to wait for the right time, and now seemed like as good a time as any. Especially with Casey opening up to her recently about her feelings toward Izzie. She usually went to Doug for advice, so to finally have “girl” time together was really special.

With that thought in mind, Elsa pulls out a chair and sits beside her daughter. She takes a deep breath before speaking.

“I didn’t get along with my mum growing up. She wasn’t around when she should’ve been. She’d drink too much, come home too late, and there was a lot to do around the house, because she was absent. She was often around...physically, she didn’t go on benders or anything, but she was mentally gone. A lot. Even now, it’s hard for me to be in the same room as her, let alone trust her.”

Casey sucks in a quick breath. Elsa’s eyes are watery, but no tears fall. “Oh.” Casey’s short reply feels stupid and lackluster. Speechless, she hugs her mum. For once, she feels very grateful for her mum’s presence, even if that presence is often bothersome.

“Love you.” Casey says before pulling away.

“Love you, too.”

“Thanks for not being a giant, meddling Elsa earlier.” She smiles wryly before leaving her seat, then leaving the house for her run.

Saturday. Izzie talks to Evan.

She loves the feeling she gets when she is running, like all her problems are somehow smaller, because she can think clearly. Izzie’s feet hit the warm pavement rhythmically, taking her further and further from home. Sometimes she fantasizes about running and never turning back. She could be free, free to go wherever she wanted and be whoever she wanted to be. But that’s all they were--daydreams. She could never leave Jason, Alysha, or Arya. One thing she could do, however, was let her feet take control, at least for a little while. Which is why she eventually found herself at… Don’s Pizza?

You don’t want to be here, she thinks to herself. Evan works here.

She stands looking at the entrance while families peer over at the strange, lone person on the edge of the parking lot.

Fuck it, I’ll just sit down and buy a slice. Just because Evan works here doesn’t mean that this has to be a big deal.

Iz lets her feet walk her through the front door. He is there, of course, standing behind the counter, wiping it down with a washcloth. He hasn’t looked up, yet. She could still leave.

“Evan, customer at the door.” Someone barks from the kitchen.

As soon as his eyes meet Izzie’s, his face hardens, but he walks over.

“Hey.” There is an awkward pause. “Would you like to sit at a booth or the counter?”

Iz doesn’t skip a beat. “The counter.”

“Uhhm… that’s where I’ll be.”

“I know.”

His eyes narrow. “Look, I don’t think we should talk about Casey.”

Iz raises her eyebrow. “Oh, are you suddenly uninterested in her? That didn’t take long.”

Evan folds his arms and sighs. He doesn’t want to stand in the doorway any longer, and he is a little curious as to why Izzie is here. The last time he talked to Casey, she told him that Izzie didn’t want to date her, almost like she had cold feet or something.

“This way.” He says gruffly while walking toward the available spot at the counter.

She follows him and pulls out the bar stool. Iz looks at the table while Evan stands behind the counter, the two saying nothing.

“I think I made a mistake.” Izzie blurts. Her chest rises and falls. Was she sweating? “I never should have got between you and Casey. She deserves...I can’t give her what she deserves. My life is complicated and I’ll just get in the way of her and UCLA.”

Evan is leaning against the counter, his arms outstretched with the washcloth in his back pocket. “For someone who’s smart, you’re really dumb.”

“I know.” Iz covers her face with her hands. She is overwhelmingly embarrassed by confiding in the one person who likely hated her, and unbelievably distraught over missing Newton.

“What is the problem?” He’s exasperated. “She left me because she likes you more. When I was with her, she lit up when she talked about you! Casey was different around you, like you two were in sync or something. You’re an idiot for throwing that away.”

Izzie feels her eyes warm up from the tears. Evan sighs and looks right into her eyes. “Just go to her.” He waits a beat. “Please? Preferably sooner rather than later, so I can get back to work.”

A grin spreads across Izzie’s face and she hiccups out a laugh. “I’m not ordering anything.”

“Yeah, I gathered that. I’ll still take a tip, though.”

She smiles wryly and puts the only bill she has on the table. It’s $5. “That’s for stealing your girlfriend.”

“That’s…” For once in this conversation, Evan is speechless. “You know what? I have actual work to do, so…”

Iz pushes in her stool, feeling lighter than she did ten minutes ago. “You know, I think I’m starting to understand your appeal.” She switches to a more serious tone. “Thank you.”

Evan nods and does, in fact, get back to work.

#casey and izzie #cazzie #cazzie fanfiction #fanfiction #atypical #help me fix the beginning #halp pls #excuse the mess #good guy evan

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treeni · 4 years

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Sanders Side Theory: Creativity’s Name and Roman’s Struggles

Theories Masterpost

Well, apparently some people were interested in my Orange side theory and stuff.

So let’s talk about “King Creativity” and why I disagree with every name theory I’ve seen so far and what I think instead. I’m not certain “King Creativity” is ever going to be named in the show, just knowing he existed is probably enough, but wouldn’t it be fantastic if there was a backstory episode? Or even aside episode?

First! Let’s start with the fact that I actually think it’s really interesting that everyone’s defaulting to Creativity being “King” when it is in fact Emperors who ruled Rome. Not a criticize, just interesting thought. Second, Kings were supposed to sit back and let their knights and armies basically do all of the physical work (Unless your Arthur, but it usually got him into trouble so! Moving on!) while you lead them as whatever supreme ruler title you take. However, a Crowned Prince was often at the head of said adventures and battles, in the thick of it all, but was basically indisputably the accepted next in line. (Approved by the courts and all that jazz, I mean historically it didn’t always go that way, but that was the intention). However, a regular Prince and a Duke could absolutely have a power struggle, especially in the situation where the Duke was previously “next in line” before the Prince’s birth. So if Roman and Remus ever did duke it out (also mini theory that Remus chose Duke for the fighting reference) I think one of them could/would become King, but I don’t think that’s who creativity was before the split.

Now I have a particular crowned prince in mind that creativity is named after, but lets not get ahead of ourselves. Let’s start by talking about some of the most popular theories and why I disagree with them.

CW: for before the “Keep Reading” section. There is mention of metaphorical and fictional murder, war, lgbt theory (not that, that should surprise anyone). Roman backstory (aka things he might regret now.)

Romulus: While I suppose it’s convenient in the fact that its sort of the names combined, Romulus is already the role that Roman is filling in his relationship with Remus. Twins that supposedly found Rome, but Romulus killed his brother Remus to do so and become the ruler. Romulus literally named Rome after himself. This isn’t a hint, this isn’t something that’s upcoming or anything, this is backstory. Roman is literally just a modernized version of the name Romulus. Remus’ banishment to the darkside was his metaphorical murder. It also suggests that Roman took an active role in sending Remus away, which also helps explain a lot of Roman’s current struggle with Janus. Can you imagine the kind of guilt he might be feeling if he was the one who decided his brother was evil and he was good and then he passed judgement? If the darksides aren’t evil, then Roman and he metaphorically murdered Remus, then he wasn’t the hero slaying the beast anymore. Instead, he’s suddenly the bad guy.

Buuuut Treeni, what about Patton??? I hear you say. It would have had to have been morality right?

And to that I say you’re WRONG! And also right. Patton’s kinda been shown to be the most accepting bean of the whole lot, he doesn’t really try to force the others away the way some of the other sides do. Instead, he puts his foot down on his own convictions and refuses to listen to reason. (I didn’t say he was perfect.) Still, he doesn’t try to physically push the others away, not Virgil when he tried scaring Thomas, not Janus when they argued and Patton was clearly distressed by the courtroom situation, and not even Remus when Patton was clearly scared of him (also defensive of Roman). He doesn’t need to, he’s self-assured in his own place and convictions that he doesn’t worry about Thomas pushing him out. Instead, Patton kinda takes the family holiday party route and will do his best to put out the emotional fires and stand his ground on his opinion to Thomas when he needs to. (The ONLY time I could find Patton sort of pushing someone away was when they were in his room and Patton asked Logan to stop. While that could weaken my argument about Patton, I think it strengthens it because it shows how big of a deal it was at the time that Patton tried shutting him down. Logan reacted the way he did by immediately storming off because it’s not something Patton does.) While it could absolutely be Patton’s influence that caused the split, it would be out of character (as he’s currently defined) for Patton to actively push a side away. (I’ll get into some of his more negative aspects in another post if ya’ll wanna hear about it.)

Remember, Roman was the one who tried shutting down Virgil with bullying tactics, Logan too sometimes. Then he tried to use the same tactics on Janus when he tried putting his foot down on maintaining a black and white view point of the world after Remus’ appearance. Keep in mind that Remus actively told us that he blames Roman for his banishment. He compared himself and Roman to Cain and Able. While c!Thomas and even the audience as a whole were sort of led to think of Remus as Cain because of the “dark and evil” association, Remus is telling us that he is Abel. Roman is his destroyer. (Before you feel too bad for Remus, that misconception was also on purpose because while Remus isn’t a liar, he can manipulate a situation with honesty. Again, another post if you wanna hear about why.)

So now there is some general understanding of the twins backstory, you’ll see why Romulus would be a terrible fit for their combined name because Roman is already Romulus. Period. He’s the one who betrayed his brother by “murdering” him and taking over.

Making Romulus the name of who creativity was before because the names kinda morph together would lazy writing compared to very carefully woven details the show has had thus far (particularly in season 2). Okay, that went on a bit of a tangent, so next!

Caesar: This is a person who brought about the destruction of Rome, not the creation of it. (With Rome basically being the metaphorical state c!Thomas is living in now with clear lines between good/bad, right/wrong etc.) While it’s not a horrible ideology, it would be moving forward in a historical timeline instead of backwards. If you subscribe to the idea that Roman and Remus cannot go back to who they were (even with some kind of theoretical re-morphing) Caesar might be who they become, but it seems unlikely that is who they were. Remember that both sides are individuals now and those individual traits they’ve gained since splitting may not re-mesh cleanly back into who they once were. I personally don’t think there’s any “going back” for Creativity.

If they show him as he once was, it would likely only be in either a backstory bit or in a temporary situation where the re-combining doesn’t hold. However, if Creativity ever did become one thing again, I think it would be something completely new and I think Caesar would be a good fit for that in particular.

Aeneas: Again, it would be kinda lazy writing comparatively. Instead of using a sorta combination of the names that had some historical basis, this theory is based entirely on the idea of a convenient ancestor who quested and failed over and over to create Rome. I could have bought this had it been from lesser writers, but Thomas, Joan and the whole team do not mess around in story crafting and really carefully woven in references. I am literally degreed in writing and analysis and I keep finding myself impressed at the layers.

The name Aeneas also implies that the character Creativity was specifically questing for a change and that seems doubtful given the resentment between the brothers. Aeneas was essentially a left-over scavenger trying to scrape together a new home from what he could from already broken pieces and that does not sound like what Creativity is implied to be.

If we look at child development, I would theorize that Creativity is the oldest side. In the creative process, there are two major steps, first is information absorption, then second is application. The first thing any child must do is learn, anything and everything. The world is a limitless and imaginative playground. New material is around every corner and there it takes a while before the distinction between reality and fiction to be understood. It was probably just c!Thomas and Creativity for a while and as the others emerged, they looked up to him. It could even be potentially argued that Creativity was literally their creators.

This would imply that Aeneas would be a pretty terrible fit for him in that case because there’s nothing broken that he’s trying to salvage. The kingdom is his and c!Thomas’ to preside over with the other sides as his subjects. (c!Thomas being the distant “King” and Creativity being the “Crowned Prince”).

So, with all of that out of the way on why some of these theories are probably wrong, what do I think?

I think Creativity’s name is Hector.

Now, hear me out on this. For those of you who have read the Iliad you probably know exactly who I am referencing. You just may not know why. So stay with me here.

1. First, for those of you who don’t know, Hector was the Crowned Prince of Troy, the leader of the army that the Greeks (the perspective we’re getting) are facing off against. He’s also cousin to Aeneas, but actually accomplished things during the war beyond being saved by Aphrodite. This means he’s also an ancestor to both Romulus and Remus (albeit technically less direct). However, Hector’s family is where the royal lineage of Aeneas comes from. Though we follow the story mainly from the perspective of the Greeks (and the gods because they’re TROLLS), the Greek’s are pretty villainous in a lot of their actions throughout the story and they are most definitely the invaders. In this case, I would liken the Greek army to “outside opinion” for c!Thomas. Others interjecting their views on to someone and breaking his own beliefs. In this situation, Creativity would have been his biggest defender and hero, retreating into magical imaginary worlds to escape judgement.

2. So lets get onto the character and why him, shall we? Hector will literally do anything for his family. The war takes place because his little brother, Paris (one of a whopping 49 brothers mind you) either kidnaps, has Aphrodite kidnap or runs away with the Spartan Queen Helen because he fell in love with her. (It varies on the version and she was forced into her previous marriage at about 13 anyway, so Helen leaving willingly for the guy who the gods deem is the most attractive man alive is a popular modern reading.) It would have been so easy for the Trojans to yeet Helen back to Greece, but they don’t and Hector’s defense of her and his brother is a big reason why. Hector even chastises his brother for the mess he’s caused, but still stands by him and defends him. He also defends the hell out of Helen and refuses to blame her for their problems. Then in Troilus and Criseyde (Basically published Iliad perspective shift fanfiction with OCs) he defends the hell out of Criseyde when even Troilus, (apparently one of the 50 brothers) the person who claims to be in love with her, wont. Hector’s truly an all around good guy, great leader and has a very distinctive and personal moral compass that doesn’t always align with what’s being told to him is right. You want a character representation for someone who led the sides despite their clear struggles? Someone with Roman’s charm and heroism, and Remus’ understanding and drive? Hector is probably it.

3. Hector’s death is both a huge symbol for the end of Troy, but also isn’t? Let me explain, narratively speaking, Hector’s death is the point you know that Troy is basically doomed. His end is the representation of the end of it all. His corpse was literally paraded around as Achilles’s dragged it on the back of a chariot for days to show their doom. There was a distinct “aura” shift from Hector’s death as all of Troy mourned his death. We as an audience know Troy is basically doomed from Hector’s death alone. Hector was a person that even the enemy Greeks hella respected as a warrior and leader. Essentially, this was the point that the war that had been raging for about a decade became serious. At the same time, it just simply isn’t the end of the war. There’s the whole horse thing still to come and all that jazz. Still though, Hector’s death is very much a symbol of “everything changes, but nothing does.” Which is the perfect symbol for the twins split to me. Just because they split doesn’t mean that all of the sides did immediately, yet it was still probably the turning point that drove a wedge between the “dark” and “light” sides.

4. The character Hector arguably died in the name of gay love. Okay, story time. So in the Iliad, Achilles is being a little bitch and refusing to fight anymore because drama between him and the king of Athens, but he’s their best fighter and the Greek’s are basically sorta loosing because of him not helping. His boyf- I mean best friend Patroclus goes out in Achilles armor and leads his army in his place because Achilles is a whiny baby. Except Hector kinda immediately kills Patroclus, thinking he’s Achilles with reinforcements.(This was full body armor baby and distinctive cause baby of a god and all that mocha frappe.) Of course, Achilles has to immediately get angry revenge for his boyf- BEST friend and ends up killing Hector. This would make the character Hector a great metaphor for Creativity if his split had anything to do with sexuality or even acceptance as a whole. (Though we know acceptance is definitely a part of it considering Remus.) We know that Remus wants c!Thomas to explore darker themes and the struggle of sexuality and acceptance could be a possibility in what is to come as a previously “off-limits” theme.

5. A big one is that the destruction of Troy is what eventually brought about the creation of Rome. Essentially Troy would be the metaphor of c!Thomas’ existence/mentality before the sides split into dark/light factions. Then Rome would be the metaphor of c!Thomas’ existence/mentality after the sides split into factions.

6.Finally, the name Hector literally means “to restrain” which would work well for Creativity as he was likely trying to reign in the others from infighting (and you can see how well that went with him being gone).

Cheers to another rant into the void. Huzzah! God this is nearly as long as some of my seminar papers. Do what you will with this information.

Please keep in mind that I adore Roman as a character. This post isn’t meant to hate on him. It’s meant to bring awareness of the layers of his character. Every Prince Charming was a villain to someone, every hero that slays the beast is a murderer from a different light.

I don’t bring these things to light to cause pain, I bring them to light to help bring awareness of what’s probably going through his head.

(Yes, in regards to the Creativity being made first thing, I DO even have a theory about existence order, I promise you I have theories about everything. My mind does not stop with this crap. I have theories on everything from what animal association Roman and Logan have to Virgil’s key role in Roman’s backstory. I’ve ranted about a bunch of these things to a few specific people so if you ever want me to go on a rant about anything in particular let me know. I didn’t expect anyone to actually look at the other theory post tbh. Inbox me if you want me to go to unnecessary lengths on something else.)

(Also, correct me on the Patton thing if I’m wrong. I took notes on a recent watch through, but I wasn’t specifically looking for his rejection sooo, if there are other moments of it you can find that didn’t jump out at me I totally accept criticism.)

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inspired-by-the-music · 4 years

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For You: Stand By Me

Taglist: @jineunwootrash

If you would like to be added to the taglist of any of this blog’s works, please ask!

Recommended Reading: For You: 4 O’Clock; these works have separate, independent, but deeply interwoven timelines.

Chapter 3: The Girl Who Wouldn’t Let Go

Sehun’s POV

In pre-debut days, before we were even grouped together, Junmyeon was determined that trainees should bond, so he wrote these little schedules of nearby events and sent them out in group messages. Owing to his busy university schedule, Junmyeon rarely went anywhere with us himself. He was absent that night in the drive-in too.

Although I was sixteen, I wasn’t especially eager to drive, so I didn’t mind when Minseok claimed the driver’s seat. Because I respected Luhan too much to complain when he bounced into the passenger seat, I quietly squeezed into the backseat where— as the youngest— I was sandwiched between Chanyeol and Kyungsoo.

Objectively, it was unfair that I was forced into the smallest seat because of my age. I get that Kyungsoo was older, and that was why I didn’t demand to trade seats. Still, I think that it only would have been right for him to take the middle seat because he was the shortest. I wasn’t really one to argue against rules, traditions, and societal roles, though, so I just folded my hands in my lap and decided that if ever I were the oldest person in the room, I wouldn’t get a big head. I wouldn’t abuse my power. I would be fair.

My members like to joke that I’m disobedient and border on disrespectful, but that’s not true. To tell you the truth, spending my Friday night in the drive-in with Chanyeol talking loudly in my ear wasn’t my idea of a good time, so my presence alone testified to my respect for Junmyeon before he was even the leader.

I wasn’t trying to be rude or disrespectful when I pushed Chanyeol out of the car as soon as Minseok parked. My legs were just aching from being cramped in the back seat, so I was eager to stretch and climb into the bed of the truck, where I could massage the knots that formed in my muscles. My eyes instinctively rolled at Chanyeol’s dramatized howls of pain as he tripped over gravel; he shouldn’t have taken offense.

As I eased my back against the cool metal wall of the truck, stretching my legs before me, Minseok smiled. His smile was always timid in those days. His voice was so quiet that my ears had to strain to make out his words. “Sehun, do you want something from the concession stand?”

Groaning at the thought of standing, I asked, “Are you going to pay for me?”

Having recovered from his trip, Chanyeol laughed as he sat next to me. “What a cheapskate!”

I didn’t think anything about what I said until I heard Kyungsoo’s faint snort of a laugh while he pushed his glasses further up on the bridge of his nose. Look— I firmly believe that seniors should pay for all expenses, and I still abide by that rule whenever I’m a senior— but I didn’t really know Minseok well enough to expect anything from him. All we had in common was that we knew Junmyeon.

Tugging my wallet out of my pocket, I prepared to hand it over with the explanation that I was too tired to walk with him after the full week of training, but Minseok wouldn’t accept my money. “Of course I’ll pay for you!” He was almost too nice. Sometimes, I don’t trust people like that, or I worry that someone will take advantage of them, but I was never worried about Minseok. “Just tell me what you want.”

I fit my wallet back into my pocket and shrugged. “I’m not picky.” Chanyeol laughed again— roaring right in my ear— and I cut my eyes at him. We were always friends, I guess, but we were very different people, and that’s why he was always on my nerves. “Just get me something sweet, please.”

Minseok nodded and, after listening to requests from Kyungsoo and Chanyeol, he took off with Luhan toward the concession stand.

Although too many hours had passed since the sunset for it to be bright enough to read, Kyungsoo held a book up to his face. He always liked to look smart, even when nobody was paying attention to him. Dropping the book to glance at me over the pages, he remarked, “You don’t seem like you would have a sweet tooth.

I blinked at him, never really caring much for people who speak in metaphors. A part of me wanted to tell him to speak plainly, but he probably wouldn’t have humored me anyway, so I bit my tongue. Besides, it didn’t matter what he meant.

Kyungsoo blinked back at me. It was obvious that he was sizing me up. That didn’t bother me so much; I just didn’t know what he thought he could discover about my character from my vague snack preferences. It’s foolish for people to attach meanings to insignificant things, but that’s something people do best.

I probably wouldn’t have responded to Kyungsoo even if Chanyeol hadn’t interrupted my thoughts to ask, “So, what movie are they playing?”

It wasn’t such a bad question. Because I only went to please Junmyeon, I didn’t know any specifics. Noticing that Chanyeol and I were looking to him, Kyungsoo answered, “Beauty and the Beast,” with a smile. He liked getting to share his knowledge.

“Like, the Disney movie?” I asked.

Kyungsoo nodded sagely, and Chanyeol lowered his head, whining, “I didn’t realize we were here to watch a little girl movie!” He was a little too obsessed with being macho those days. If you ask me, a hyperfixation on manliness is pretty lame.

Kyungsoo glared at Chanyeol. “Animation is not exclusively for children.”

“Dude.” Chanyeol returned his glare— sharpened it. “It’s a princess movie! It’s marketed to little girls!”

“Don’t you think you’re being narrow-minded?” Kyungsoo phrased his criticism as a question, maybe, because Chanyeol was technically his senior. “Beauty and the Beast explores significant themes about sacrifice, superficiality, the nature of love—”

Regretting that I hadn’t pushed through my fatigue to walk with Minseok and Luhan, I tore my eyes away from Kyungsoo and tried to will myself deaf to his monologue as I tinkered with our portable speaker. Upon finding the station broadcasting the audio accompanying the images projected on the towering screen at the front to the lot, I frowned at an obvious problem.

I interrupted the debate to announce, “This is in English.” Even when I squinted, trying to distinguish the finer details on the screen, there were no captions to be found. When nobody responded, I added, “I don’t understand English.”

Chanyeol nudged my ribs and joked, “Does anybody?”

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes. “Just appreciate the art of animation, Sehun.”

I huffed at Kyungsoo’s pretentious attitude, “How am I supposed to appreciate something I don’t understand?”

“Well—” Kyungsoo’s eyebrows knit together, and I knew that he was considering my words too deeply again— “you’ve seen the movie before, right?”

Before I could respond flatly that (obviously) I had, Minseok returned, carrying armfuls of snacks that he dropped in the center of the truck bed along with the bright announcement, “Look who I found!”

I don’t know who I expected to find when I glanced over at him, but judging from the drop of my jaw, I hadn’t expected to find Lei clinging onto Luhan’s arm. I hadn’t expected to see her beaming up at him as if he hung the moon.

When Luhan gestured for her to climb into the truck before him, she gasped, “Where did Heechul go? One second, he was standing next to me, and the next—” Her head turned from side to side as if she couldn’t imagine how she wound up at our truck.

As stupid and irresponsible as it was, I could have forgiven her for losing Heechul in her starry-eyed pursuit of Luhan. After all, she was just a kid. But I couldn’t forgive Heechul for losing her. Who knows what could have happened if Minseok and Luhan hadn’t been there to lead her through the dark? All I knew was that after that night, I wouldn’t be able to look at Heechul without confronting the urge to roll my eyes at his carelessness.

While Chanyeol, who never liked Lei for whatever stupid reason, stiffened at my side, Kyungsoo dropped his book to wave at her. “Hey, Lei!”

My eyebrows twitched. How did Kyungsoo know her? Glancing from Kyungsoo’s joyful wave to Chanyeol’s scowl to Minseok’s small grin to Luhan’s dimpled smile, I realized that Lei wasn’t a stranger to anybody. Except for Chanyeol, she had managed to charm everyone into being her friend despite the age difference.

It would have been weird to be jealous or possessive of a kid’s attention— even Lei’s— but there was something weird about recognizing that I wasn’t the only trainee she knew well enough to greet outside of the agency. It shouldn’t have been such an epiphany. I knew I wasn’t the center of the universe or anything. I knew that before we ever met, she was well acquainted with real idols. She was loved by real idols.

She just always had this way of looking at me that made me feel— I don’t know. I don’t like talking about this kind of thing. I guess that moment was humbling. I guess Lei continued to humble me when she settled into the space next to me only to excitedly chatter to Luhan in rapid-fire Mandarin. Despite my basic understanding of the language, I couldn’t quite keep up with what they said between giggles.

I guess I had always known that Lei wouldn’t cling to her crush on me forever. I guess I knew that I had been hoping for that day to come quickly, but now that I thought it had arrived, I felt weird. It wasn’t that I wanted her to like me or anything. I guess the issue was that if she had outgrown me, time really was passing, and it had done so without my permission. Nobody is ever that comfortable with time.

When Lei and Luhan fell silent just long enough to glance at me before laughing again, it was obvious that they were talking about me. The tips of my ears probably burned.

“Yeah,” I understood Luhan as he nodded at Lei, “he is pretty handsome.”

Oh. So that’s still what she thought of me. Weirdly, I was relieved. Some things would probably never change. Maybe Lei would always think I was handsome. Maybe no matter how many times I told her not to flirt, she would do what she wanted. Maybe people should learn to find comfort in constants.

Probably because she seemed so happy, chewing through a chocolate bar as she talked to Luhan, probably because I was kind of (just a little) flattered, I swallowed the fading urge to lecture her. I instead listened to Chanyeol growl, “Look, Minseok, I don’t care where you found her. I just know that she can’t stay here.”

Although Chanyeol hadn’t said her name, Lei was sensitive to his criticism. Drawing her knees up to her chest, she said in a small voice, “I should probably go. My mom is probably worried about me.”

Kyungsoo was only trying to be helpful when he offered, “We’ll help you find your parents.” He wasn’t trying to knock all the air out of Lei’s chest.

She ceased her efforts to climb down the side of the truck, collapsed at my side, and wheezed. I had seen Lei upset before, but never in my life had I seen somebody look so wounded by mere words— words that weren’t even harsh. Blinking at her, I understood: Lei didn’t have parents.

We never talked about her family. I would never know how to approach that topic— and I didn’t know yet that her mom was the idol who never debuted. I could just tell from her labored breathing that she didn’t have a father. That’s why she followed her mom everywhere. That’s why she sat alone at that table by the vending machine every day. That’s why she claimed Super Junior as her family, and that’s why they protected her: they were filling a void.

Had I believed that an embrace could mend that kind of deep wound, I would have wasted no time in slinging an arm around her shoulders to brace her against everyone’s stares. I didn’t believe that, though, even if I wanted to, so I just laid my arm over the edge of the car, cutting my eyes at Chanyeol (because he was on my nerves, and we were only in this situation because he couldn’t be nice to Lei for five seconds) and Kyungsoo (because, despite his good intentions, he prodded at Lei’s wound and made it impossible for me to ever overlook the scar again).

I said, “I don’t think we should rush to return Lei to whoever abandoned her at the concession stand.” I think I was angry. My hands were balled into fists, and my jaw was so tense that my words were almost unintelligible. I’m not sure, though; I’m not that experienced with anger.

Even before her breathing hitched at the word ‘abandoned,’ I should have known that I said the wrong thing. I wasn’t trying to make matters worse. I didn’t know what to say. I could only grimace at my mistake after the fact— after I couldn’t snatch the words back out of the air.

Luhan playfully tugged on one of Lei’s twin braids and, after earning the faintest grin, he said, “I think we should keep Lei! At least until the movie ends.”

Well. If you put me at that awkward stage— no, even me on my best night— next to Luhan, I guess it’s clear who any kid (or maybe any girl at any age) would prefer. We weren’t even in competition, and I felt like Luhan was winning. How stupid.

Nodding enthusiastically, Minseok agreed with Luhan, Chanyeol groaned, and Kyungsoo insisted (despite the fact that the entire drive-in was a dead zone) that we should call Lei’s parents, but Lei didn’t respond to any of them. She didn’t even seem to hear them. She only looked at me with big eyes.

Did she want me to tell her what to do? I guess that was something I did often enough without being asked, but— for the first time in a while— I didn’t know what to say.

Unsure of what to do with the authority she always entrusted to me, I cast my eyes toward the screen and fidgeted with the speaker. “Hey, Lei.” I didn’t glance at her, but I could still feel her eyes watching me. I know she wasn’t looking for fault. I know that she was just admiring me the way only a kid can. Still, I squirmed. “Can you translate this movie for me?”

Once I looked at her, and she understood that I was encouraging her to stay— resolving within myself to help her find her mom and Heechul once the street lights turned on at the end of the movie— she smiled. Her gap was now replaced by the metallic glint of braces. I guess I was just glad that she could breathe again.

Lei had just started to nod her head when a shriek broke through the quiet night. “Why don’t you shut the hell up? If you’re so invested in how this fairytale ends, I’ll tell you— the girl falls in love with the beast! He falls in love with her! And it’s beautiful! Now, get out of my way! I’m looking for my kid!”

In the moments before I realized that the shriek belonged to her mom, while the guys and I spun our heads in search of the conflict, I clutched Lei’s arm and pulled her behind me so I could shield her. In the event of a real emergency, I don’t know how effective my body would have been as a shield, but I wasn’t really thinking too deeply. At some moments in life, you act purely on instinct. That was one of those moments. My instinct was to protect Lei from the screaming woman.

In hindsight, even now that I know that there was no real threat to our safety, I am proud of my instincts.

Heechul’s voice preceded him. “Kimberly, you have to calm down.”

Recognizing Heechul’s voice, I figured that Kimberly must have been Lei’s mom’s name. My forehead wrinkled as I tried to fit the name with her face. It was weird, I guess, because I had never heard it before, just like I had never heard her yell.

“Calm down?” She laughed one of those hollow laughs. The scary kind. “You leave my child all alone at the concession stand, and you have the nerve to tell me to calm down?”

Heechul must have been stupid to argue with a panicked mother. “I told you, she wasn’t alone! She was with two handsome young men—” Minseok and Luhan, I assumed— “and from how she lit up while talking to them, I assumed that they were friends!”

“So you just left her there?”

“I didn’t mean to!” I don’t know how Lei’s mom resisted the urge to punch Heechul’s face that must have coursed through both of us with comparable intensity. “Besides,” he added, “Lei is, like, a black belt in taekwondo, so if she was in trouble—”

“She is a little girl!” Lei’s mom screamed to drill the rather obvious reminder into Heechul’s thick skull. Some kind of desperation ripped through her voice and caused Lei to tense under my grip.

Something about the frown I found on Lei’s face when I glanced back at her and the fear in her mom’s voice spurred me to action. “Come on, Lei.” I ushered her out of the bed of the truck, offering both of my hands so she wouldn’t trip. “Let’s go find your mom.”

Her small, cold hands trembled in mine, and as I opened my mouth to ask what was wrong, it dawned on me: she was afraid of the dark. She tripped once or twice because her eyes were fixed up on the sky, probably searching for the moon and stars.

Once we found her mom and Heechul after a few minutes that felt like eternities because of the silence and her palpable fear, I thought they would never stop thanking me for being, as Heechul said, a knight in shining armor.

“You’re welcome,” was the only thing to say. I guess I meant it because something like pride spread through my chest and pulled my lips into a smile even though it was dark and nobody could see it.

When I released her hand, Lei mumbled, “Well, I guess you’re leaving now, right?” Although I couldn’t quite make out the features on her face, I imagined from her tone that she must have been pouting. Without even waiting for my reply, she said, “Goodnight, Sehun. Thank you for helping me find Mom and Heechul.”

Mostly because I wanted Lei to be happy— and I realized that somehow, just by being around, I made her happy— I raised an eyebrow at her. “What are you talking about? I told you— I need a translator, and nobody back in that truck knows English. Where you go, I go.”

Hearing my excuse for tagging along, neither her mom nor Heechul objected. Breathing another sigh of relief because Lei was safe and sound, they led us back to their car. As Heechul finally started to apologize for losing Lei in the first place, nobody noticed that Lei was bold enough to reach for my hand again with the whispered excuse, “I don’t want to get lost again, Sehun.”

I gave her a stern stare— the one I tried to reserve for the lectures about acting appropriately around boys— and I know she must have felt it. I know she must have been able to see it even in the darkness when she looked up at me, but she wouldn’t let me go.

I guess because I started it by holding her hand first, I guess because I didn’t want her to get lost again either, I guess because I wanted to be some comfort even if I couldn’t cure her fear of the dark, I guess because I didn’t want to risk driving the smile from her face, I just let her do what she wanted that one time.

That one time would become two times and then three and then a hundred and then a thousand and then a million until I didn’t know how to tell her no anymore, until I didn’t want to tell her no anymore, until I didn’t know what to do when she wasn’t bold anymore, until I didn’t quite know what to feel when she didn’t look at me first anymore. When I walked with her through the night that was too dark to find any stars or even the moon, I swear I never imagined that she would grow into somebody that I love in the heart-fluttering, gut-wrenching, world-changing kind of way.

Then, Lei was just a kid who deserved a protector, and I was just one of many who tried to overfill the place of a father who never should have left her.

As I walked with her, deciding what I would say to Chanyeol when he would inevitably curse me for ditching him (again) for Lei, I told myself that I wouldn’t have been able to find my way back to the truck anyway. And it wasn’t a lie, I swore as Lei’s translation of the movie— complete with unique voices for each character— captivated everyone in her mother’s car.

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kirrtash · 4 years

Text

It’s only after their mother dies and they get in contact with the first, unfriendly, demons that Inuyasha finds out that the human’s obsession over fitting everyone in one gender it’s weird for them too. They have already learned to keep quiet about what they think about themselves. What their body is, and isn’t, to them, they don’t tell the humans in the castle. Inuyasha doesn’t even tell their mother.

It has been a few years since they stopped living in the castle, when they have again the occasion to meet an human, on a moonless night. That particular one, as every other, is immediately concerned with their appearance, assuming their gender without even letting them speak.

Inuyasha doesn’t feel particularly attached to one nor the other, on a good day doesn’t even think about it.

(On a bad day somebody just has to remind them, usually while trying to kill them, and aren’t they lucky?)

They don’t go near another human settling for years after that night. Those are safer than the forests and fields, at least when they are weak, but they don’t have it in themselves to deal with stupid humans and their stupid way of thinking.

In a way this hurts more than being half breed. Their mixed heritage is on plain sight for everyone to see, and there is no mistake to be made (with the exception of one night per month): one look at their ears and the story of their birth is on plain sight for everyone to deduce.

But the way humans expect them to adapt to their roles, to dance to this tune they don’t fit in, just after one look at their body, that’s worst. Humans and demons alike hate them for their blood, but both of them just ignore how they feel about their body. It’s just irrelevant.

So Inuyasha makes sure that it’s irrelevant for themselves too. In any case they don’t even have the words to explain it, so why bother? It’s not like they have someone to tell, and the most important thing right now it’s to survive.

They never get around telling Kikyo about this too. She barely accepted their mixed blood, Inuyasha is not sure she can take more. They don’t want to take the risk of another rejection. As for the sacrifice they are willing to face, it’s not that different from the other one they already accepted to make when she asked, just another part of their identity they will have to renounce to.

Kagome is strange. She doesn’t question them and the way they present themselves, doesn’t even seem to notice. The girl has bigger problems anyways, it’s her fault if them both are on this quest. But she always looks at them with a bit more intention when they slip, in the way they refer to themselves, when the hyper masculine terms they use out of habit, to comply with the image others have of them, to not raise questions, get stuck in their throat. She always notices.

She asks one night, when everyone else it’s sleeping. They have just met Sesshomaru again and Inuyasha is quite proud of their victory, even if in reality the bastard run away just before Tessaiga could break definitively. Inuyasha still counts it as victory.

“It’s something that I have noticed before, but why did he refer to you with neutral terms?”

The asshole has never had anything to say about their gender obviously, as it’s normal for a demon, but Inuyasha doesn’t really want to explain to her. They huff and try to dismiss the question with a vague gesture and a “whatever” but she just keeps waiting patiently, peering at them from under her eyelashes. They both know that the answer it’s not simple, and the question is bigger than it could look to a mere bystander.

Inuyasha takes a breath. She has been on their side for a while now, and they don’t want to lose her. But at the same time she has already told them how irrelevant their mixed blood is for her. No. Not irrelevant. A part of them. Just a part of who they are, as normal as their hands and eyes, something that makes them THEM. If she could accept that, then maybe, just maybe…

Inuyasha doesn’t know how to explain, but Kagome is patient. It’s like a flood. When dawn comes, and, how? When? She stops them, shakes Sango awake and quietly informs her that she and Inuyasha are going back to her time. She then calls for Inuyasha and they start walking away from the camp. As soon as they are out of ears’ reach, she resumes the conversation.

She looks among books and books in the public library. Inuyasha just stands aside, the hat flattening their ears, trying not to draw attention and not to be in her way. They didn’t even stop to her house to say hi to her family, she knew she didn’t have anything of what she was looking for there.

“There must be something! I have read a couple of things but I cannot remember where I found them again!” she looks possessed, and Inuyasha is not going to bother her.

She comes up with a few books and articles from magazines, and is eyeing critically the huge computer in the backroom, pondering if to search on that too, since the Higurashi family doesn’t have one.

Inuyasha is not really listening to her. They are scrolling through the written text, trying to make good use of what little reading abilities they have, and to interpret the futuristic language and culture. Their worldview is being thrown off right now.

If for demons gender (and now they know the difference between gender and sex, and gender expression too, isn’t that neat?) is inconsequential, humans 500 years in the future keep spending a lot of time thinking and talking about it. Still, the revelation is another one. Demons don’t care about gender, you can’t use it against them. Humans don’t care too, they know where they fit and it comes natural to them to abide the unwritten rules that concern the sociality. Despite this, here Inuyasha gets a glimpse of another world. These books give them a place, among others, give their struggle a name and a reason and companionship. They are not the only one. There are humans too, here, going through something that might, with a stretch of imagination, be considered similar to their experience.

Kagome takes some books back home, essays and narrative ones, and some vhs to see on the television. Her family is nowhere to be seen and they are back to her room. Inuyasha feels safe there, the day has already been a mess, and their head is still spinning. “I don’t know where to look for more, but we need to understand better, honestly Inuyasha, why didn’t you speak sooner?”

They know her temper is without fire, that she is just worried, but it hurts the same. She must see their look, the flattened ears, because she backtracks immediately. “I’m sorry, I can understand why, it was a stupid thing to say. It’s just… I want to help. I would like for you to tell to the others too, but it’s your call. I’m sure they will want to understand though. That’s why I need to find more…” she is off again, checking on the list she compiled while looking for materials, and Inuyasha watches her go in the direction of the stairs and the living room, still shell-shocked.

“I didn’t even ask you!” She seems to have realized something, her voice still audible from the other room “I’m so bad at this, I’m sorry! Which pronouns should I use?”

Inuyasha can’t help the laugh that escapes their lips, they don’t know what to answer. But they will find out. There are words out there for them, just waiting to be discovered. Their experience can be told, and damn them if they are not going to.

—

A disclaimer: I am a cisgender woman, so my knowledge and undersanding of genderqueer identities can only be a secondhand one. This to say that I hope that I have not offended anyone with this depiction of this identity, and if I have I am deeply sorry, since it was not my intention.

For something so short I really had trouble writing this. First my native language doesn’t have the option of singular them, and I never had any occasion for using it before, so I’m sorry if I made mistakes. Second, Inuyasha the character, in the anime, while referring to themselves, uses Ore, an highly masculine way of saying me, and I didn’t want ignore canon completely even if I played fast and lose with the timeline, since I don’t remember what happened when. Additionally, and I never looked into the language so I’m not sure, I suspect that there are A LOT of pronouns whit different nuances in the spectrum between masculine and feminine in the Japanese language. So I had to take in account three language shifts while writing this tiny little thing. I’d like to add that while il like to think that my personal knowledge on transgender and genderqueer identities is not that bad, I haven’t the faintest idea of what 199something Japan might knew about it, so I kept on the conservative side (considering they are still a really closed off country about LGBT+ issues, I feel that it’s the most realistic portrait)

I cannot help but think about Inuyasha and a nonbinary or genderqueer identity. Assuming that for demons gender is something much less regulated by social norms than for humans, and that because of their upbringing Inuyasha didn’t get to receive a positive and validating explanation of gender and sexuality by none of the two cultures, I suppose that (in the feudal era!) it would have created in them an even higher sense of isolation and oddness. That’s probably why I love the idea of Inuyasha going to the pride for the first time (first gay pride in Tokyo was in 1994…) and in general realize that they are not alone.

It is a deeply difficult and isolating situation, not having the words to describe, even to ourselves, our identity, and I am happy that the modern ways of connecting with each other are lessening this kind of isolation.

this was written for day 5 of @inuyashapridemonth2020

#inuyasha #inuyashapride2020 #my art #my writing #ops #I wrote something again #inuyasha pride month #nonbinary inuyasha

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