#he told me i could just have my hair down and id look cool | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

itsmealaiah · 4 months

Note

Running away to another country w older Tom !!

yes!!

Pack my bags and run away

tags/ warnings: running away, mentions of anxiousness, i think thats all?

pairing: tom x afab

Your POV:

I'm not sure why I decided to pack an extra pair of socks, but as I stuffed the last of my belongings into my backpack, I couldn't help but feel a strange sense of calm wash over me. It was like my body knew what it was doing, even if my mind was still in disbelief. My parents would be furious, of course they would be. They had been against Tom from the very beginning. They called him a "bad influence," a "loser," and even went as far as to forbid me from seeing him anymore. But I didn't care. I was in love, and I was going to follow my heart, no matter where it took me.

I glanced at Tom, who was pacing the length of my room, his hands shoved deep into his pockets. Even in the dim light, I could see the worry etched across his features. He kept shooting nervous glances out the window, as if he was expecting someone to barge through the door and drag us back home. I wished I could reassure him, but I didn't want to jinx anything. We'd been planning this for months, ever since my parents had forbidden me from seeing him anymore.

We'd found a cheap flight to Paris, and had enough money saved up to live off of for a few weeks. It wasn't much, but it was a start. Tom had found us a small, run-down apartment in a quiet neighborhood, and had even gone as far as to get us fake IDs so we could work under the table. He was determined to make sure we could be together, no matter what it took.

As I finished tying up my backpack, I took one last look around my childhood bedroom, trying to commit the familiar details to memory. The faded posters on the walls, the worn-out area rug, the bookshelf filled with my favorite stories. It was all so bittersweet. A part of me knew that I'd never see this room again, and another part of me wondered if I'd ever find a place where I truly belonged.

I turned to Tom, who had finally stopped pacing and was now staring at me with a mixture of worry and hope in his eyes. Without a word, he reached out and took my hand in his, squeezing it gently. It was a small gesture, but it felt like the most intimate thing in the world.

We crept out of my room, careful not to wake my parents, and made our way downstairs. The house was silent, the only sound being the ticking of the grandfather clock in the living room. Tom carefully opened the front door, and we slipped out into the cool night air. The air smelled like rain, and the sky was streaked with dark clouds. It was as if nature itself was conspiring against us, but we didn't care. We were together, and that's all that mattered.

We hurried to his car, which was parked a few blocks away. It was an audi R8, the same one from years ago. Tom had been saving up for years to buy it, and somehow it still worked. As we climbed into the car, the familiar scent of leather and gasoline surrounded us. Tom started the engine, and we pulled out of the driveway, the headlights illuminating the dark street.

I looked over at Tom, his face lit up by the glow of the dashboard. There was a spark in his eyes that I hadn't seen in a long time, a spark that told me he was just as excited and nervous as I was. He reached out and brushed a stray hair from my face, his fingers grazing my cheek. It was a small gesture, but it made me feel safe and protected.

As he pulled away from my parents' house, I couldn't help but glance back one last time. The lights were already off, and I couldn't see any movement in the windows. It was as if they had already forgotten about us. But I knew they'd be searching for us, trying to find us and bring us back home. Tom must have sensed my apprehension, because he glanced at me with a reassuring smile and squeezed my hand again.

The road stretched out before us, dark and mysterious, and for the first time in a long time, I felt like anything was possible. We drove in silence for a while, the only sound the soft hum of the engine and the patter of the rain on the windshield. I closed my eyes, taking in the sensation of the warm air blowing through my hair and the vibration of the road beneath us. It felt good to be moving, to be in motion, to be headed somewhere new.

Tom glanced over at me and smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners. "You doing okay baby?" he asked.

I nodded, forcing a smile. "Yeah, I'm good." But even as I said the words, I couldn't help but feel the weight of everything that was happening pressing down on my chest. I glanced out the window, watching the world blur by as we sped down the highway. We were heading south, toward the border, and from there, who knows where we'd end up. It was both exhilarating and terrifying all at once.

Tom reached over and took my hand in his again, squeezing it gently. "Hey, you know we'll figure this out together, right? No matter what happens, we'll find a way to be happy." His words were soft and reassuring, and for a brief moment, they managed to ease some of the anxiety that had been building up inside me.

We drove for several more hours, the dark landscape outside the car slowly starting to give way to the first hints of dawn. The airport loomed ahead of us, a massive, modern structure that seemed to stretch on forever. It was both imposing and awe-inspiring, a testament to human ingenuity and ambition. As we neared the terminal, I felt a mixture of anticipation and fear coursing through my veins.

"Okay," Tom said, his voice steady, "here we are. Just follow my lead, and we'll get through this together." He parked the car in the long-term lot and turned to face me, reaching out to brush a stray lock of hair from my forehead. His touch was gentle, reassuring.

We made our way through security, Tom leading the way with confidence, as he'd done this a thousand times before. We walked side by side, our hands clasped together, our footsteps echoing through the sterile, white hallways. The airport was bustling with activity, with people from all walks of life hurrying to and fro, each with their own stories and destinations.

We found our gate and sat down on a nearby bench, our shoulders pressed together. Tom pulled out his phone and began to type, his fingers flying across the keyboard. I watched him intently, wondering what he was doing. After a few minutes, he put the phone away and took my hand in his again.

"Okay, so here's the plan. We're going to wait for our flight, then get on the plane, and then we're going to fly away from here. Once we land, we'll find a place to live and start a new life together." He smiled at me, trying to reassure me, but I could see the uncertainty in his eyes.

I nodded, swallowing hard. "Okay," I said, trying to sound more confident than I felt.

Time seemed to slow down as we waited for our flight to be called. I couldn't help but glance around, taking in the sights and sounds of the airport, trying to memorize every detail. The bright lights, the echoing announcements, the people hurrying past us, all seemingly oblivious to the enormity of our situation. It felt like we were living in a bubble, a strange, surreal world apart from everyone else.

As we finally made our way down the jetway and onto the plane, I couldn't help but marvel at the sheer size of the aircraft. The rows of cramped seats, the soft hum of the engines, the gentle rocking motion as we taxied down the runway. It all felt so normal, so routine, that for a fleeting moment, I almost forgot why we were here.

But then, as the flight attendant buckled us in and began to go through the safety demonstration, I felt a sharp pang of guilt in my chest. We were running away, leaving everything we'd ever known behind. Our families, our friends, our entire lives. It was both exhilarating and terrifying all at once.

As the plane lifted off, I leaned into Tom, burying my face in his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me tightly, and for a moment, I felt safe. Safe from the world, safe from the past, safe from the future. I closed my eyes, listening to the drone of the engines, and tried to convince myself that everything was going to be okay. That we were going to find a way to make a new life together, no matter where we ended up.

#tom kaulitz imagines #tom kaulitz x reader #tom kaulitz #kaulitz twins #tom kaulitz angst #tom kaulitz smut #tom kaulitz x y/n #tom kaulitz x you #tokio hotel x you #tokio hotel x reader #tokio hotel #itsmealaiah

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boliv-jenta · 1 year

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If you’re thinking of Pedro cracking a whip, Id love for you to write a fic about Pedro Pascal cracking a whip (hard Dom Agent Whiskey?)

A little thought about Dom Agent Whiskey and his whip.

Agent Jack 'Whiskey' Daniels x f!reader

WC 1.5k

Smut right under the cut.

The coolness of the air was magnified as it hit the slick coating your thighs. It had seeped further and further out from your centre each time Jack had gotten you close before denying your release. Muscles you didn't know you had ached from the position he had your naked body in. Your wrists were expertly bound with rope above your head, a red bandana softened the rub of them. The same treatment was given to your ankles bound to the bed frame. A final bandana was stuffed into your mouth. The inside of your thighs burned as you tried to clenched them with every rhythmic throb of your pussy. A throb caused by the sound of Jack cracking his whip.

Since the crack of it against your skin would be too much, Jack teased you with the action. It was such an erotic display of competency. Jack, shirtless, muscles flexing with every well executed movement. His jeans were slung low on his hips, he hadn't bothered to do them up since he last teased you with his cock. Since he ran it through your folds before circling your throbbing clit until you teetered on the edge only for him to pull you back. He'd simply tucked himself away, leaving his fly open, giving you a tantalising view of the golden brown hairs that led down to his cock. He was still rock hard straining against the material of crotch. It bobbed with every finishing flourish of his arm. The last few cracks made your walls twitch, desperate to have him inside you.

Jack smirked from under his cowboy hat, still firmly on his head. "Oooo, Darlin'. Look at you. All spread out for me. Dripping for me."

Jack's fingers ran through the mess he'd made of you. Without warning two thick fingers were plunged into you. Your warm channel gave little protest as he filled you deeply, still the sudden intrusion made you gasp around the material in your mouth.

"Didn't I tell you to be quiet?" Another level of teasing.

There was no one around for miles. Save for the animals on Jack's ranch. Jack just wanted to exert as much power over you as he could.

Two stronger fingers pumped in and out of you with none of Jack's usual skill. The man was as deadly with his aim in the bedroom as he was on a mission. Your g-spot wasn't the target, no, that would be too easy. Jack wanted to bring you closer with the sheer force of his fingers stretching you open and pushing deep inside you. When he'd decided you'd had enough, he licked his fingers clean, holding your gaze the entire time.

Walking away, rolling the sculpted muscles of his shoulders as he did, he took up his position again. Another crack of the whip, this time tantalising close. You longed for a similar sting across your soft flesh. A few more displays of skill and you whimpered lowly. Not low enough for Jack to miss.

Dropping the whip he was on you in seconds. "I told you not to make a fucking sound." He large well trained had gripped your jaw. "I guess this is useless." He pulled the bandana free, tossed it over his shoulder. "Not. A. Sound." He warned before removing his hand.

When you didn't answer he slapped your cheek, a soft glancing blow, but enough to make you bite back a moan. A twisted part of you wanted to push him, to speak or to ignore him. He'd been at this for hours with no release for himself either. It probably wouldn't take much to goad him into finally fucking you. Looking him square in the eyes you said "Sorry? What was that?"

Jack's lips briefly quirked up at one corner before he was ripping his jeans down his legs. "My, you're a spirited one. You still need to be broken. Huh, Sugar?" His hand connected firmly with your breast.

"Yes." You moan before quipping. "Do you know anyone who can help?"

In one practised motion Jack swung his leg over your shoulder so he was straddling you. As he leant forward, his hard cock bobbed inches away from your mouth. Taking it in his hand he guided it past your lips. He kept lowering his hips until the tip nudged the back of your throat causing you to gag. Jack knew your gag reflex was sharp. That was a warning 'Test me, Honey, and see what you get.' He pulled out a little only for your head to rise off the pillow to chase him, near choking yourself as you did. It was Jack's turn to whimper. No, that wouldn't do.

Wrapping his hand around your throat he kept you pinned as he removed his length from the heat of your mouth. Dismounting you, he moved to the bottom of the bed. The two ropes tied to the bedposts were untied then tied together. Jack began to crawl up the bed in between your legs, hooking the rope over his neck as he did. As he crawled high, the rope tugged at your ankles, holding your legs wide open for him. His cock split you open in one long motion before he took up the whip from its place on the bed.

"Scream as loud as you want, Gorgeous. And hold onto your hat." He took his hat off to place on your head with a smirk.

Thankful that you had his permission you screamed as he started to thrust, hard. For each one he almost pulled out before splitting you open again. The tilt of your hips up off the bed, where your legs were being pulled by the rope across his broad shoulders, meant that he hit the perfect spot every, damn, time. That combined with the edging had your orgasm approaching in no time.

Jack could feel it too. "Don't you fucking dare! You come when I say."

The handle of his whip hit your ass to punctuate his words. The sting of it didn't help at all. "Please, Jack?" You whined and he stopped in his tracks.

"Please? What? You want me to let you come? After what you did?" Another smack of the handle across your ass. "I came home from a long mission. From not being able to touch you, to use this pretty mouth or tight little cunt. To find you with a man in the house and wearing one of those little sundresses for him to see." Another smack burned so good across the plump flesh of your backside. "I bet he didn't even make it all the way home before he jerked his cock at the sight of you. He probably had to pull his truck over somewhere." Another crack. "He probably took his cock in his hand and tugged it hard and fast thinking about that skimpy little dress barely covering your soft thighs. I bet you love the thought of that. A man covering himself in his load to the thought of you? Hmm? A man losing all control?"

One last swot across your ass saw him drop the whip and started fucking you again. His hands spread against your open thighs, his hips working fast. "That's what you like isn't it? When I lose control? When I fuck you hard and fast because I can't take the ache in my balls anymore. You dirty little whore.

"I like when you fill me with your cock then your come."

"You want my come? Then you better fucking take it. You can milk my cock for it. Work for it" One of his thumbs came down to press harshly against your clit. The vigorous side to side rub of it was overwhelming. Jack knew you would struggle to cum like that. All of it being too much for you. He taunted you as the striking of his cockhead inside you near blinded you with the light streaking behind your eyes.

"Where's that smart mouth now? Too cockdumb to talk? Did you have any witty words for him? While he was fucking you with his eyes." His free hand had found your throat, squeezing just enough to send a thrill to your core. "I want this cunt to clench around me. Be a good girl and come for me. Come, so I can paint your walls, so I can fill you up. Come."

The tension he'd had built over the last hour finally snapped. You writhed underneath him, fingers clawing at his arm, head pressed back into the pillow, mouth open in long low moan. You looked beautiful to him. Fucked out and vulnerable, his to do whatever he pleased with. It pushed him over the edge, he filled you deep. As deep as the groan from his chest. Once he was done, he pulled out to look at his handiwork. "My pussy. All pretty and creamy just for me."

"Yours, Jack. Always yours."

@kirsteng42 @prolix-yuy @thegreenkid2 @hquinzelle @fangirl-316 @gracie7209 @jedifarmerr @doommommy @scorpio-marionette @sturkillerbase @harriedandharassed @aynsleywalker @mswarriorbabe80 @quica-quica-quica @rise-my-angel @adancedivasmom @kinda-nobody @movievillainess721 @munsonownsmyass @mandoloriancookie @faceache111 @elegantduckturtle @shadowtrick @simpingcowboy @pedrit0-pascalit0 @yourcoolauntie @pedrostories

#ask reply #pedro pascal character fanfiction #agent whiskey x female reader #agent whiskey smut #jack daniels smut #jack daniels x f!reader

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evalevaeva · 7 months

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future | fuma

-in which fuma dials the wrong number, that landed just right.

The sound of seoul was something that you'd never get used to. It was something completely different from your time in japan. High School in japan was.. a particularly memorable time. Having met your husband in japan, going on dates and even meeting his parents in japan, after all of that, the both of you chose to move to seoul. Fuma had gotten a better job in seoul at the age of twenty-two, which led the both of you to drop everything in japan to move to korea.

The high tides in life don't last long, not for everyone. For every high tide, there is a low. Fuma had been involved in an accident, which led him to being in a comatosed state for over a year. It broke you, having to see the person you love most in your life, connected to machines, and lying lifeless on an uncomfortable bed. You had been taking care of him everyday, never leaving his side unless you had work. Fuma's boss was your pillar of support in this time of need and he had been paying for Fuma's hospital bills.

"Fuma's one of my best friends. He's been here for me, so I'll be there for him now. "

Euijoo was a life saver. With whatever money you had, you paid off the house, bills, and expenses as Fuma had done before. Being a teacher, your salary wasn't as much as Fuma's, but it was enough to keep you up.

Today felt harder than the rest. Today was the third anniversary since you and Fuma had gotten married. Three years since he decided to spend his entire life with you and never leave your side till death. Yet, here you were, standing over him as you wiped his face with a warm towel. You massaged his arms to make sure he wouldn't feel so sore when he woke up.

"Fuma, dear, I have to go home for a while, but right after, I'll be here. I promise," You told Fuma's unconscious body as you placed a kiss on his forehead, fixing his hair as you made your way to the sliding door.

You gave one last look to him as you walked down the hospital corridor, avoiding the pitiful stares of the nurses who had been taking care of your husband for the past year. You had spoken to all of them, and they could only give one answer.

"If he wakes up, he'll wake up. We can't do anything but wait and make sure he heals properly".

That was all they ever said, and you were growing sick of it. No, not growing sick of taking care of Fuma, but growing sick of not knowing what was truly happening. You had no one by your side but Euijoo and you weren't close. Especially with the slight language barrier, you only had Fuma and your parents. Your in-laws had called multiple times to check on Fuma, worrying for your well-being, but all you could do was reassure them that you were okay.

The weather seemed to cool down slightly as spring began to leave, welcoming winter. Families went out to eat and couples went out on dates. It was a bittersweet feeling, being able to see such love in this day and age. It would have been better if Fuma was here with you.

The sound of a phone ringing caught your attention as you rummaged through your bag, finding your phone ringing and buzzing. You looked around as you stood next to a bench, sliding the green circle on your screen as you placed the phone to your ear, "Hello?".

"I was wondering if you'd like to go out on a date tomorrow? To the new store that opened up around the corner... I know you mentioned yesterday in class that you wanted to try the food there, so why not go out with me?" A guy's voice was heard through the phone as you checked the caller id to see 'Private Number'.

"Hello? Who is this? Is this a prank?" You responded into the phone as the caller seemed to move the phone away from him, before responding, "It's the right number... This is Fuma, Murata Fuma from Class 2. We're classmates..".

Your heart seemed to stop. All the blood drained from your veins, and your hands began trembling. Your phone was slipping from your grip as your palms moistened from the sweat. Was this some sick joke someone decided to pull? Voice phising?

"Is this some sick joke? Fuma graduated seven years ago.. we both graduated," You yelled into the phone as the person on the other line seemed confused.

"But.. this is the right number right? You're from Class 2 and we take Social Studies and Literature together at Ryuko High School?" The caller questioned as your eyes widened, your hand clasping over your mouth in shock as the caller named every single detail about Fuma in high school, 2014.

"Who are you? What type of sick joke is this? Are you doing this just because you know my husband is in a coma?! Are you getting a kick out of this?!" You cried into the phone as you leaned forward, elbows on your knees as you sobbed.

"No! I'm serious. This is Murata Fuma from Class 2 and I'm asking you out," The person on the call answered, not a single drop of humour was in his voice as you tried to question him.

"What colour was my bag, 'in school' ," You asked as 'Fuma' replied, "Brown. You have a leather bag with keychains on it,".

Spot on. The person was spot on.

"What colour was my pencil case," You questioned. This could expose the joker behind the call or reveal something completely different.

"Trick question, it's transparent because you don't want it getting dirty," The person on the other line stated as he laughed. The laugh that you've heard for the past ten years. The laugh of the person you had spent your youth and adulthood with. How could it be possible?

"One last question," You stated as Fuma answered, "Ask away".

"When did you realise that you love me?" You asked as a silence was heard from the other line.

"The day you scolded me for getting hurt in a track competition against the neighbouring school, and then the next day you made me lunch to apologise for it. I knew at that moment that I needed you in my life forever".

Your heart seemed to crack as you cried into the phone, your sobs filling the call as Fuma on the other line who was standing in a phone booth hurriedly added 100 yen into the machine.

Fuma was in his high school uniform, scrap paper with your phone number written on it and most importantly, uninjured. A newspaper dropped from a man's bag as the title read, "3rd February 2014, trains are breaking down due to unforseen circumstances".

"Are you alright?" Fuma asked into the phone as you quietly asked, "Fuma, could you tell me what year it is?".

Fuma looked at the phone, confused, but decided to answer anyway, seeing as there was no harm in answering.

"2014".

That was nine years ago. That was the year that Fuma confessed to you. The year the both of you started dating.

"Fuma, I'm so sorry," You couldn't help but sob as Fuma furrowed his eyebrows, worried at your strange behaviour from the start of the conversation.

"So let me get this straight. You're from the year 2023, while I'm so called 'calling from 2014' , is that right?" Fuma tried to confirm your facts as you wiped your tears with the sleeve of your top.

"Yes. You got into an accident a year ago, 2022, and you've been in a comatose state. You don't know how worried I was, sitting by your side everyday and praying to any higher being to save you," You explained as you took a breath as Fuma asked, "Since you're so called from 2023, could I ask you questions then?".

You agreed as Fuma began spilling out questions, from questions about technology, to flying cars, to education, until finally he reached the topic he was most curious about.

"I called you to confess to you, so seeing as you're taking care of me even when I'm in a comatosed state, we end up together?" Fuma asked, careful. He was scared that he'd step on a landmine and you'd be sobbing your heart out again.

"You confessed to me on the 14th of February 2014. You made the exact call that you made a few minutes ago, and I agreed. We got married at 21 in 2019, and soon, we moved to Korea for a chance at a better life. We were satisfied. We'd work on weekdays and go out on dates on weekends. It was a good life, until that drunk driver hit you," You shared with Fuma as he listened attentively on the other side in 2014, his head of black hair leaned onto the glass booth as he placed another 100 yen into the machine.

"We seem like we have a good life together. I can't believe we actually end up married, I mean.. I've only ever thought about confessing, and I never even thought that you'd accept me. Now, hearing that in the 'future' we'll get married, I have to work hard to be a good boyfriend and a good future husband! I'll avoid making you suffer, and I'll make sure that you won't have to take care of me." Fuma said into the phone as you felt your heart squeeze and tug. It had been so long since you've heard your husbands voice that it felt almost like a foreign memory.

"I'm sorry, but I only have one coin left, and I need it to call the actual you... in 2014," Fuma said sadly, his hand in his hair as you looked to the ground, knowing this could be the last time you'd hear from Fuma.

"Fuma..." You trailed as Fuma responded instantaneously, "Don't worry, dear, I'll be back by your side in 2023. Don't worry. I promise".

You felt a tear slide down your cheek as Fuma said, "See you in 2023, love".

The phone went into a deafening beep as you looked at your phone, feeling as if you had just been kicked in the face. There was no way that could have been Fuma, maybe it was voice phishing, but either way, you heard Fuma's voice. It couldn't have been voice phishing, he knew everything about you. From your pencil case to the exact words he said when you asked him the same question a month later after february of 2014.

Your thoughts were interrupted by your phone ringing once again. Wondering if it was Fuma again, you checked the caller id to see the hospital calling.

Fear went down your throat as you answered the call, "Hello?".

"Is this Mister Fuma's wife?" the hospital staff asked as you responded, worried.

"Yes? What's wrong? Is my husband alright?" You shot questions at them as they responded with a slight smile in their voice.

"Your husband is awake".

That was all it took to have you running back to the hospital, not caring about the strangers you bumped into, or staff looking at you as you tapped the caretaker's card onto the gantry reader, running into the lift and pressing the eighth floor as you ran to his room.

You slid open the door as you saw Fuma, laying up, looking out the window before turning to you with a smile.

"Dear?" Fuma called out as tears began welling up in your eyes, you ran to him as you fell to your knees next to his bed. Fuma looked at you, eyes filled with worry, as he caressed your hair, "Did I worry you a lot?".

You slapped his arm lightly as you spoke between sobs, "You had me so worried everyday! I told you not to go out that day because it was raining heavily!".

Fuma smiled as he hugged you to his chest, your head in the crook of his neck as you sat on the side of his bed.

"It felt like I was in a dream. I was in 2014, and a voice told me I could call someone before I returned and my muscle memory made me dial your number and you picked up, but you picked up the phone in 2023. Isn't that strange?" Fuma shared his comatosed experience as you looked at him, looking at his smile and the crinkle at the ends of his eye lids.

You nodded as you leaned on his shoulder, "That's so strange."

idk how to feel about this chat

#fuma fic #murata fuma #&team fuma #&team #fuma x reader #kpop

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saibug1022 · 2 months

Text

Ranking My MCs on How Likely They Would Be Adopted by Batman

Not a single person has ever asked for this. However, I have seen so much batfam stuff on my dash it's been living rent free

Val Ebony (ILITW) If you told me Val moved to Gotham and was a vigilante for a few years and then moved back right before ILITW I think I would believe you. This man has the whole package: dark hair (his hair is brown underneath all the dye), tragic backstory, shitty parents, even shittier bio dad who's also a villain, homicidal rage, he even died! But overall what got him to the top is just because of how well he fits with the Gotham and the Bats' vibes and aesthetics. Like it just feels right.

Eros Blackwell (Immortal Desires) Batman would have showed up in Crimson Beech to try to recruit Eros only for Eros to explain they do in fact still have a mom *who is on thin ice with me rn). However. They still get REALLY close, especially when they find out Gotham is on a ley line. I'm tempted to say Eros, Cas, and Gabe fuck off to Gotham after ID 2

August Rose (Crimes of Passion) So August's backstory is that they grow up most likely without their mom, and then their dad is mysteriously murdered. August tries to solve it themself but fails and instead becomes a detective to solve other crimes and hopefully find justice for other people. They're gruff, badass, and too damn clever. They were definitely Robin. Hell they could be Batman for all we know and it just wasn't mentioned in CoP

Magnus Bishop (Laws of Attraction/Into the Windverse) While slightly less likely only because he becomes a lawyer instead of some sort of detective or hero. However, he absolutely has the potential. His parents were murdered when he was young, he was tormented at school and betrayed by his friends, he was neglected by his foster mother and separated from his sister, all before he turns 18. He even gets super powers eventually. He has the determination, the ambition, and hell the whole reason he became a lawyer was to defend people from the systems that beat him down his whole life.

Asterin Nightbloom (BOLAS) I mean Asterin is pretty obvious, he's like the quintessential hero. Dead parents (twice), super skilled, heart of gold, etc etc. He's practically born to be a hero and I think he'd be such a good bat. Maybe not a Robin unless it's just for a few years before becoming his own hero

Leon Vance (It Lives Beneath) The main reason Leon is so high up is because he is so fucking capable. That's what the bats are known for among other heros. And of course there's his classic bat backstory. He's a badass, he unearths a CULT, has a cool and unique signature weapon, forms his own team and even has a super hero suit. Best part, he looks good the whole time.

Damian Stone (Murder at Homecoming) There's the obvious stuff like being a genius, a detective, unsolved mystery haunting the narrative, solving a murder, looking good doing it, socially awkward, etc etc, but I also have to add that I literally named them after Damian Wayne. In fact their name was originally gonna be Tim after Time Drake but Damian sounded better. However, they do suffer in the rankings seeing as they have both of their parents, both of which are also very good parents.

Callum Wayland (Hero) Listen, Callum would be a great DC hero but in terms of Batman relations I don't think he'd be adopted. Unfortunately for him the Super Family parallels are just too hard to ignore. However I could see him being a Bat's emotional support Super so they'd see each other a lot and I think Bruce would be begrudgingly fond of him when he finds out Callum punched a corrupt rich guy into the stratosphere.

Castor Athantis (It Lives Within) Castor has all the makings of a PHENOMENAL DC superhero but again I just don't see them as a bat. They have too much of a mystical connection. They're more likely to run ith someone like Constantine. I'm sure they'd be associated, I could definitely see Castor joining Justice League Dark, but that's it

Emrys (The Cursed Heart) Emrys will fight for people but it's not something they're really going to pursue. They have the backstory for it, don't get me wrong, but going out and punching bad guys just isn't really their thing. In a modern au they might be some sort of friend of Bruce's and a Batman ally but they wouldn't be a hero.

Julian Athantis (It Lives Within) Julian is just as good a candidate as Castor, down to mystical powers. But Julian would only be a hero to help Castor, if he was one at all. He just wouldn't have his heart in it. He'd show up, help other heroes, and I could definitely see his and Lincoln's apartment being open to be used as a safe house, but he just doesn't want to be a hero. Not as in he's just not interested, more as in he actively does not want to be a hero.

Taylor McKenzie (Endless Summer) Taylor is in a similar boat as Julian where he doesn't really want to be a hero. He'll show up to big planet-threatening shit but otherwise he just wants to go to college and love his friends and husband. I could see the Justice League, Batman especially, keeping tabs on him so they'd know each other but that's about it. More likely Taylor would just go create problems for Dr. Fate when he's bored and then go back to minding his business.

Apollo Solaris (The Elementalists) Apollo really fits the hero archetype. However. I think if he stepped foot in Gotham city he'd explode. Or maybe Gotham would. They just clash so severely that even if he did meet Batman for whatever reason they'd hate each other.

Mattheo Lazarin (Bloodbound) Listen. Mattheo has enough on his plate being the Bloodkeeper and dealing with vampire shit. He doesn't have time to care or be a hero.

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polyamorouspunk · 4 months

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Coming here to yell about a thing.

SO. Im like. Frustrated with the whole ‘am I queer’ thing. (Like personally for myself). And i think Im at a point where I just. Do not care anymore. Like. I could care less what people refer to me as. I dont think its important to tell people. And I just do what I want. I think my new response when asked is gonna just be ‘idk Im just me’.

Like. Im dating this person and Ive not told them any of my queer exploits and. I dont think Im going to? Is that wrong of me? That I dont feel like its important or defining enough to be brought up and have a weird awkward conversation about when I dont even have a solid answer and also Im completely comfortable being called either way? Its not like the terms they call me upset me or make me uncomfortable. I just dont think its worth the conversation of ‘well my gender might be fucked but details are unobtainable’.

Of the few friends who ive told about it, some think i should tell my parter and another thinks theres nothing wrong with it if its not a path I plan on pursuing or putting importance on in my life. Honestly, I haven’t even thought of it in months until I was talking to an old friend who knew me as exploring my queerness that I hadnt seen in a few years and he just kept asking questions and prying about the gender stuff and like. Fuck bro I dont know anymore. Is it really wrong of me to just not care anymore and want to leave that chapter of my life behind? Like Im still kinda involved in my local queer community, but more like. Its like, not *because* Im queer, but because these people are accepting of me just existing as I am. Just. Aaahhhhhhh IM PULLING MY HAIR OUT WITH THIS

HELLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP 😭😭😭

I think that’s completely normal.

I live my life as a girl. People are surprised when I say I’m trans because like man I don’t like it but like it’s like yeah I don’t care enough to fight over people using pronouns other than she/her for me irl? Like it’s just not worth it and I don’t care that much.

Honestly I don’t really see much of a point in like “coming out” for myself anymore either. Like if it’s a conversation I want to have with someone then cool but do I really give a shit if the random customer I’m ringing out thinks I’m straight and cis? Not really.

Like yeah, different spaces for different things. A part of me is sad that a lot of other queer people probably don’t pick up on me being queer because I don’t really scream “QUEER” when you look at me, and that’s a big reason of why I’m going to cut my hair soon. But like I do think that’s kind of silly of me not feeling like I “look” queer enough. And honestly I know a lot of queer people who are shit and a lot of cishet people who aren’t.

I have a friend who as far as I know is cishet but just by virtue of him being autistic and nerdy he just attracts queer people. It’s like “oh he’s an honorary queer” no he’s just weird and different like the rest of us but in a different way.

There’s a reason queer overlaps a lot with like neurodivergence and physical disability/chronic illness etc. Weird just attracts weird. Who cares what flavor.

Honestly I’d rather have weird cishet friends than pretentious queer people who treat me like shit.

I’ve always said for myself that if a cishet guy was interested in me I would be fine with just being a cis girl in a relationship with a cishet guy. Like I wouldn’t want anyone being like “well he’s in a queer relationship because he’s with a transmasc genderfluid bi lesbian queer person” like nah dude if someone wants to see me as their gf and I’m comfortable with it then cool.

There are also a LOT of gay people who don’t ID as queer or even LGBTQ+. You can be LGBTQ+ whatever and not be “in the community” and you can be cis/het/allo/mono and still “in the community”.

It’s all about breaking down boarders. If YOU don’t care, no one else should care. What you tell any person you’re dating is completely up to you. Obviously some things are more important than others (like hey if you don’t want to disclose you have an STD you don’t have to! But you probably should) but queer status is personal and up for disclosure on a case-to-case basis- or just 100% or not at all.

#punk gets mail #personal #100% agree with you #you do you

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firebuug · 2 months

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i had the most AGGRAVATING FUCKING DREAM and there's no way i could ever retellcit to recapture how aggravating and scary it was at some point because it's SO FUCKING GOOFY in hindsight. ill do it anyways just so I can have an entry for it in my dream journal

so I had a dream i went to a museum with my family and there was this guy and he was named after something kafkaesque mayne kafka itself idk who cares he had a big beret a big cardigan and reddish hair and he was cute at first and he wanted to tell us something via video on his pgone while we were looking at the museum and the very first slide was "Please Listen" but every letter was like a cartoon child holding up a sign covering their face and then he gave the rest of the video it was about like storm drains and their name origin but a friend who was with me couldn't keep watching it consistently because people would walk past and they were, reasonably, paying more attention to the museum and the kafka guy got so sniffling sopping wet upset when you didn't pay attention so we had to stop and watch this thing. and in the dream apparently storm drains were named after this roman dude named Detritus because he was found in a storm drain which makes ZERO SENSE and is funny as SHIT but dream brain is dream brain. That's only important because we were in front of a bust of this roman guy and he got to tell us about it and he showed us a scary video of the roman bust and i was dying replaying it and shit Anyways. at this point this dude was endearing so I went along the museum and was talking to him about how I thought it was cool that the graffiti we passed by was communicating to each other and the museum was on conveyor belts and platforming puzzles with the same material that you make outdoor school lunch tables out of, with the little holes in it. this will be important later

anyways im forgetting what happens after but at the end there was this room about the metamorphosis and something that ended up being ironic to the situation i ended up in, idk what it was, but eventually my family went ahead of me because the fucking detritus guy and I would linger around a lot and he would pull me back to tell me shit or show me something but at the end he would refuse to let me go out with my family until i listened to him say something. of course i don't even remember what it was but there was the fucking first slide again and i was trying to get the fuck out but he eventually ended up practically pinning me down for almost like an hour while I fought him and he tried to show me something until i said id go back into the museum. so I ran the fuck away from that guy and i was looking around for my water bottle l left behind. i could only move backwards fsr my controls were reversed. anyways I found my water bottle in one of the school lunch table material platforming puzzles where they would slide by and you have to board them in time. my water bottle was at the side on one of the platforms that would stay stationary so I was like ok a puzzle but I just gotta backtrack and ill get it back.

anyways of course when I went to board the thing fucking detritus boy caught up to me and grabbed my arm and we tussled until we fell backwards onto a moving platform. i don't remember details but I remember one of us getting our fingers shoved through the holes of the platform and getting stuck and eventually i went fuck it all I want this guy gone he's been tormenting me for the past HOUR so I shoved him really hard and he fell off the platform and into the endless pit below. and I was like holy shit I just killed that guy but eventually I got up left the water bottle behind and got tf out of there and caught up with my family.

indream i told my mom about it afterwards but she wasn't listenint bc it was really dull (up until he trapped me and i killed him obvs) qnd she stopped listening halfway and walked away. (and unrelated but after this the dream switched and we went to walmart and i grabbed a shit ton of snacks and there was chilchuck cereal. btw.)

the most aggravating part was that AFTER THAT the fucking detritus kafka guy would haunt every. single. dream. HE WOULD NOT GET THE FUCK OUUUTTTT. there was a my little pony dream and there was a pony that acted exactly like him n did the same attention-hogging shit and she jumped into a lake and tried to drown herself because nobody would listen to her so we had to save her. then there was a separate character that looked like him but in a different world in another dream where he and another guy got knocked off a cloud and fell 1000 miles into the ocean where he drowned and the other guy got pulled out. and then there was an invader zim episode but i genuinely could not fucking stand gir because he reminded me too much of the detritus guy at this point i was basically at the brink of going full joker mode because everything any aggravating person did around me reminded me of this dude who would NOT get out of my face trying to get me to listen to him . and then i woke up

honestly too blatant with its symbolism even if I don't know what it is, 5/10 worst shit ever im sorry i killed you man but you were making me freak the fuck out and bringing out emotions i haven't felt since i was friends with emotionally manipulative high schoolers. i hate this guy. why did he keep haunting every dream after him he was supposed to be dead forever. if i ever have a dream with him again im going to call the police. /j

#dream journal #txt #im glad i can update dream journal again #but what the hell #also this was the first good nights sleep ive had in a while so idk if that has anything to do eith the vivid as shit dream lol #i fell asleep at 11 :)

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authorautumnbanks · 11 months

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How To Tame A Sorcerer (27)

"Alright, this is where we'll be staying," Gojo says, parking the last-minute rental car. The hotel is surrounded by trees and on top of a mountain. Surrounding the area is a fog to give it a more secluded feel.

"Ah! Gojo-sensei, this is so cool," Yuji says, getting out of the car. He bounces on his feet as he grabs his bag.

Gojo grabs his and Kagome's suitcase from the trunk and reaches for her hand as they make their way to check-in. He can't wait until Yuji sees the room he picked out for him. "Just wait until you see the rooms." He squeezes Kagome's hand. She's so much softer than him, even with the callous on her palms. If he's being honest, then he loves how she can protect herself and yet still depend on him.

The first thing that greets him is how bright the chandelier is and the golden fox statues. He closes his eyes and focuses on the low hum of demonic energy.

"Can you feel it too?" Kagome whispers to him.

"They really have been hiding in plain sight," he says, walking to the front desk. After spending hours in the car, he's not about to turn around and try to find a unique spot just because the hotel has a couple of foxes running it. "If they try anything, we could just kill them."

"The worst is that they'll play some tricks on us. Foxes aren't that bad."

Yuji huffs behind them. "What are you guys whispering about?"

"Nothing," Gojo says, before turning his focus on the red-haired receptionist. "Reservation for Gojo." He smiles. His glasses slide down his nose, giving the fox a peek into what will happen if they mess with him.

The woman squeals–and he fights back the urge to flinch from the high volume. "Oh, my goodness! You must be Kagome-sama," she says, pointing at Kagome and completely ignoring him and Yuji. "Yakeru told me all about you. I'm so happy that you will be staying with us."

Damn fox. Gojo groans as he sets down the suitcase to pull out his card and ID. He places the items on the counter and signs the paperwork.

"Yakeru has been talking about me?" Kagome asks.

"Oh yes! We are so happy that you are here." The woman snaps her fingers and two attendants appear from the air. "Please take their belongings to their rooms. I must show you the playroom, the little ones will be so happy to see you."

She's still ignoring me, Gojo thinks. He follows anyway, well more like Kagome drags him along. Gojo looks back at Yuji. The poor boy is just as confused and put off as him. "Do we have to see this playroom right now?"

"Yes," Kagome says, gripping his hand tighter, and he swears she picked up the pace. "This cannot wait."

"Alright, alright." Compromise–he read that in an article.

"Ooh!" Yuji exclaims behind them as they enter a room with tan carpet and towers made of wood. Several small red foxes are playing with one another. Some stand at the top of the tower. Yuji rushes past them and squats down. "Kagome-san, Gojo-sensei, look at them!" He picks up one, snuggles it close to his face.

It's so… cute. Gojo looks over at Kagome, who's gathered a small crowd around her. He wishes they were in the hotel room. Compromise, he reminds himself, he'll have plenty of time to show her how much he's missed her.

"Come here," Kagome says, patting a spot next to her. "They remind me of Shippo-chan." She rubs their red fur; the kits bask under her affection. Gojo takes a seat next to her, his legs brush against hers. The kits paw at him, not quite reaching him. As cute as they are, he's not dropping his infinity for even a second in this demon hotel. Kagome cuddles one close to her chest and then places the kit back down. "You probably need to rest." She leans over and brushes a hand along his forehead. He turns away, his cheeks heat up. "Are you blushing?" Kagome laughs, poking him in the side.

"That's just from my allergies," he says, standing up.

"You don't have allergies, silly."

"C'mon on Yuji-kun," Gojo says. The fox woman gives him a wide, fang-filled smile. He narrows his eyes.

"Let me show you all to your rooms. I'll have the staff prepare a meal for you." She motions for them to follow.

"We can put a barrier up around our rooms if it'll make you feel more at ease," Kagome says, walking next to him.

"I'm not afraid of some foxes." He frowns at the lack of response from the fox. The woman hands a key card to Kagome and another one to Yuji.

"Thank you so much, Kagome-sama for brightening our humble hotel." She grabs Kagome's hand, her eyes mist over. "It is such an honor, truly."

"Um, you're welcome?" Kagome pulls her hands back.

"C'mon, I got gifts for you two." Gojo plucks the key card out of Kagome's hand and opens the door. He shuts the door in the woman's still smiling face. "Y'know, not once did I encounter a demon on my trip. There's nothing you can say that will convince me that you aren't a demon magnet."

"I think there was a demon the other day, at the school," Yuji speaks up, as he walks around the room.

"Yuji-kun! There's a private onsen," Kagome yells.

Gojo shakes his head. Of course, she could care less about how spacious the room is or the very thoughtful gifts he got for them. He stretches, taking in how the first room is an eating area. Further down is the bedroom. He follows the sound of their squeals to the private onsen with a small makeshift cave.

"Your room has a private onsen as well," Gojo says, looking at Yuji.

"Really? You got one for me?"

"Can't have you using ours the whole trip." He pulls his shades down and winks at Kagome.

"Gross," Yuji says, fake gagging.

"Stay here," Gojo says, leaving them to retrieve the gifts from the suitcase. "Here ya go, Gome-chan." He hands the doubled wrapped gift to her and the one covered in cupcake stickers to Yuji. He smiles as the two share a look with each other before opening their gifts. His heart hammers in his chest, anticipating their reaction. He coughs, swallowing down his laughter. He can't give it away just yet.

"Seriously?" they both say, opening their presents.

"Hey! I put a lot of work into those." He bites down on his lip, but the laughs slip past.

"Not that I don't mind a new swimsuit, but really you had to put your face on them?" Kagome holds up the green bikini top with his face winking back at him on it. She pulls out the bottoms and glares at him.

"I see nothing wrong."

"They have your name on the back."

"I just got a bunch of Sukuna's fingers on my swim trunks," Yuji cuts in.

"See! I was thoughtful." Gojo nods to himself. "Yeah, I could have stopped at a souvenir shop, but this–this is much better." Kagome shakes her head as she places the items back in the box and gathers the wrappers.

"Thanks, Satoru." Kagome raises herself up and pecks his cheek. "Dinner is here," she says, walking towards the entrance.

"How do you know that?" Yuji asks, his voice joking.

"Woman's intuition."

Gojo opens the door on the second knock. Behind him, Kagome teases Yuji about how right she was. "Surely, you have actual room service," he says to the woman.

"This is a special occasion," she responds, pushing a small cart in with their food and drinks. She serves them at the table. "Kagome-sama, please enjoy this special blend of tea. It's a kitsune specialty."

"Oh, what's so special about this tea?" Gojo asks, leaning over, causing Kagome to lean back and the tea to slosh out. "Careful, Gome-chan," he says, taking the cup from her. He makes a show of how hot the cup is, pretends to fumble with it, as it spills out on the table. "I am so sorry, receptionist-chan."

The woman grits her teeth, her eye twitches, but she cleans the mess up all the same. "I can bring you some more," she says, gifting Kagome a genuine smile. Gojo narrows his eyes at her over the rim of his glasses. She lacks any murderous intent, but he still doesn't trust her. "I have a gift for you, Gojo-san. But I ask that you please open it until later."

"There's no need to bring any more tea. Perhaps we can all try that special tea some other time." Gojo dismisses the woman. Once she leaves, Kagome pinches his cheek. "Hey–ow, easy on the merchandise."

"Why are you being so rude to her?"

"She put something in that drink. Who knows what it would have done?"

"I thought foxes liked Kagome-san, though?" Yuji says, stuffing some sashimi into his mouth.

"That's even worse," Gojo says, throwing his hands up. "What if it was something to brainwash you?"

"You watch too much anime," Kagome says, pouring herself some green tea. "But I will be more cautious, if it makes you feel more at ease."

"Yuji, after you get done eating, get some rest. Your room is the one next door. We're going horseback riding tomorrow. Supposedly it's all the craze around here," Gojo says. He stuffs his face and uses his free hand to rub circles into Kagome's thigh under the table.

"You really put a lot of thought into this trip." Kagome flashes him a smile. His breath catches in his throat, and he swears his heart is trying to claw itself out of his chest and into her palms. His brain short-circuits. For once, he can't come up with a witty remark.

Yuji yawns as he stands up. He grabs his gift and pulls out his key card. "I'm gonna go relax in my room. Thank you so much, Gojo-sensei!" Yuji waves, walking out of the room.

"I want to see what they got you," Kagome says, after a beat.

"Maybe another fox statue, since they seem to love those so much," Gojo says, standing up and retrieving the box off of the cart. He sits back down at the table. "A cursed object, maybe?" It's surrounded by protective writing. Gojo opens the box, Kagome leans over to get a better look.

"Is that?"

"Yep," he says, picking up the finger. "Wanna purify it?" He holds it out to her.

"Must be a peace offering," Kagome says, taking the cursed finger from him. She purifies it, leaving behind a paler finger. "Are you going to give it to Yuji-kun tonight?"

"Nah," he says, taking the finger back and putting it in the box. "Maybe we should stage a scene? Like we found it somewhere."

"You think Sukuna is catching on?"

"Well, you haven't been subtle with your powers lately." He shrugs. "But who cares about that?" He turns to her, pulls her flush against him. "Don't you want to try out the onsen?"

He kisses her slowly, taking his time. Each breathless moan belongs to him. His hands cusp the sides of her face as his tongue demands entrance. There's no place he'd rather be than where he's at with her.

"Heh. Looks like someone missed me." Satoru teases, pulling back and trailing a finger down the column of her neck and across her hardening nipples.

"S-shut up," she groans out, "you're the one all over me."

"Not yet, but I will be." The water sloshes around them. "I really like your swimsuit," he says, undoing the strings.

"Because you bought it or because it has your face on it?" She tosses the bikini top behind her. "What was the point in even putting them on?"

"Man's intuition?"

Kagome laughs, cupping his face and pulling him in for another kiss. He sucks her bottom lip into his mouth and bites down before swallowing her hiss. His hand slides down and dips into her bottoms. He cups her lower lips, his finger slides into her.

"Gome-chan, you're so naughty. This wet and I've barely touched you." He hisses this time when her hand wraps around him, teasing his head. "Just like that," he says, thrusting his hips into her. He adds another finger, slowly pumping into her, not quite giving her what she seeks.

"Stop teasing me," she says. He removes his hand and kisses away her protests. He wraps an arm around her and walks them to the bedroom. His lips never leave hers, not even when he lays her down and removes the last barrier separating them.

The bed smells of lavender but is soon replaced with the combined scents of him and Kagome. He takes his time rocking into her. Even with her pleas begging him to move faster, he will not be rushed this time. He bends his head, taking a pink nipple into his mouth. Her hands grip his hair, it's nearly painful and for a moment he wonders if he'll have any hair left.

"T-toru," she calls out, her hips moving against his frantically. He lets her nipple go with a soft pop and splays his hands on her stomach.

"That's it," he coos, still edging her on. He bites down on her shoulder. When she tightens around him, he swears as his hips stutter. He clenches his eyes shut, his chest rising and falling with each ragged breath. Gojo imagines that this what it feels like after drinking all night. His mind is hazy, drunk on her touch. She bucks her hips when he finds that sweet bundle of nerves.

"I'm gonna-" her voice breaks off, as she lets out a low moan. He kisses her again, his hips moving erratically now as he chases his own high. He's rambling around her mouth, placing kisses along her face and down her neck. He bites down her shoulder again, as his balls tighten and he's releasing inside of her.

Gojo rolls off of her and pulls her close, his hands comb through her damp hair. "Lazy sex," he says with a sigh.

"Lazy sex?" Kagome doesn't look up at him instead she snuggles in closer, her hand resting on his chest. He can barely detect the scent of lavender now.

"Yeah, we just had lazy sex."

"Most people would call that making love." She snorts. Her words hit him in the heart. His hand stills for a moment before going back to combing through her hair.

Love, huh?

#gojo satoru x kagome #gojo x kagome #crossover pairings #jujutsu kaisen x inuyasha #kagome higurashi #gojo satoru fanfic #how to tame a sorcerer #inuyasha fanfiction #gojo satoru #inuyasha x jujutsu kaisen #gojo smut #kagome smut #fanfic

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darkclothes-darksouls · 5 months

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ACOTAR inspired writing

“I want you” whispered faintly in my ear.

I woke in a sweat wondering if I really heard that or if it was a dream.

I decided to get up despite it being the middle of the night. Maybe the cool air would cool me down. I made my way down the hall and to the back balcony.

I took a deep breath in, feeling the cool air sooth my lungs. The night was just as beautiful, if not more so, than the day.

The wet grass twinkled against the moon light, the land and sky mirroring each other in an endless sparkle and shine. Id never seen a place more breathtaking than this. As i got lost in thought I didn’t hear the approaching footsteps.

“You look beautiful, just as starlight.”

I jumped a little as i turned, blushing a little at the compliment.

“I didnt know the world could look like this” i said as i turned back to lean on the balcony.

“There are many things in this world you have yet to see.” He walked slowly to where i stood and peered over the glen with me.

“Some things as magnificent or more as to what you see now, others that could fill you with darkness.” He paused for a moment. “I can show you the beauties of the world, some closer than you might think.” He gave me a smile that filled me with butterflies.

My mind and body gravitated closer to him, our hands lightly brushing against one another.

“You are beautiful” I said to him. I gazed at his perfect features, his jaw line and cheeks littered with freckles, blue eyes I could get lost in forever. I brushed my hand through his silk brown hair, and moved my gaze towards his perfectly sculpted arms. Muscular arms that i want to be wrapped tightly in, he made me feel safe and vulnerable. I pulled my hand away and looked to opposite end of the glen.

I wondered if he could feel how nervous i was to be in his presence. A warm feeling rushed through me as he took a step closer. His blue eyes looked directly into my brown eyes. I swear even his eyes sparkled like the night sky, i could look into them forever.

He tucked the hair in my face behind my ear, caressing my cheek, moving his hand along my features stopping at my chin. I feel my face getting hot, wanting to be with him, closer to him, to never leave his side.

He tilted my chin up and kissed me. His warm lips against my cool skin felt like nothing id ever experienced before. I leaned into him, deepening our kiss.

He pulled back slightly but i wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him in again. I couldn’t kiss him enough, and when his tongue entered my mouth i felt a sensation between my legs. Wanting him more. The feel of his tongue against mine, his lips not being able to get enough of me. His hands placed at my hips, pulling me closer to him. I ground my hips into him and a light moan escaped his lips.

He picked me up by my hips, placing me on the balcony ledge, his body between my legs, still kissing me intently and passionately.

He rubbed his hands around my back, into my hair, and back to my hips, moving one hand to caress my thigh, and slipping down to my undergarments. I let out a small moan as he started touching me. I ground at his hand, wanting more, wanting to be closer, wanting him.

“Thats a good girl” he growled.

He pulled his hand back as he pulled his face away from mine. I whimpered at his lost touch. Looking into his hungry eyes and holding my chin again, he said “told you i can show you beautiful things.”

My legs watered, and begging for more.

“Get some sleep darling.” He gave me a wink and walked inside back to bed.

I sat there for a long while, longing for the ghost of his touch. My needs stirred but unsatisfied. I went back to bed, hoping he would be there waiting for me but my bed was empty.

#acotar #a court of thorns and roses #books #bookblr #faerie #fae #spicy content #desire #short story #feyre acotar #sexually aroused

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margle · 11 months

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15 (ish) questions for 15 (ish) mutuals (but I didnt do that part sorry)

thanks @cowboycharmac , @translesbianvampire , @number-one-hog-hater , @23meteorstreet for the tags!

were you named after anyone?

sort of. I asked my mum and she listed a few people but the main one is a very hedonistic character from a book.so that’s a fun role to fill. the other people are a bit more daunting in their accomplishments.

do you have kids?

no and I dont want any.

do you use sarcasm a lot?

not very often, I guess. ive been told I am very difficult to read if im telling a joke or not. especially sarcasm. im mostly sarcastic when im being mean rather than funny. I guess im more likely to be dry?

what's the first thing you notice about people?

I honestly have no clue. definitely not their shoes. and probably not their face because I can never remember what people look like. I sat in a car with my driving instructor for months but could not tell you what he looked like. physically, I probably notice hair and clothes first? but otherwise if im meeting someone new I just notice whether they talk to me or not and how they hold a conversation.

what's your eye color?

blue/green.

scary movies or happy endings?

im a wimp and I dont like scary movies. so I guess I prefer happy endings, although I dont mind some tragedy. for tv I almost exclusively watch comedies. i dont watch a lot of films so i’ll mostly watch what other people want. im a fan of rewatching, so it is rare I will willingly watch something new on my own. as for books, ill read anything! but especially interesting gothic classics and translated books. I like slice of life and anything with great world building. not a huge fan of ya probably because it was all I read when I was younger so I got a bit bored of it.

any special talents?

I never know how to answer that. im decent at various things but nothing in particular. if you showed me a relatively common uk bug I think I would be able to id it.

what are your hobbies?

im into entymology. I like taking pictures of bugs and recording their species. there are other things I do, but im hesitant to call them hobbies because I dont do them that regularly.

have any pets?

yes! a beautiful, wonderful cat.

what sports do you play/have you played?

I dont play sport regularly. did the usual sports at school. (I did some more interesting stuff but im trying to be humble. im big into baseball - Ive got a batting average of .328, have 118 home runs and batted in 1014 runs. im also in the baseball hall of fame. that’s right guys, im baseball superstar wade boggs. Im a true american - I love baseball and posting on tumblr and my family and beer)

how tall are you?

I honestly dont know. 5 foot something. that should narrow it down.

favorite subject in school?

I liked english lit in later school. earlier on I liked all the arty stuff best. textiles was a lot of fun but the teacher was a prick.

dream job?

games design but im shite at coding. :( conservation work would be cool. havent decided yet. when I was a kid I wanted to be a farmer and used to like planning my future farm layout. now I just play stardew valley.

im not sure who to tag because I think most of my mutuals have been tagged by other people already. or have already done it. ive spent too long deliberating over who to tag/not tag. and so this is an open invitation to whoever wants to do this. you dont have to be my mutual! I know this kinda defeats the point of these things but gah idk I never do these.

#personal

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dxncingwithastrxnger · 2 years

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Mileven AU WIP For WIP Wednesday!!!!

Hey, guys!!! I've been slowly working on this story for a few months. I took a break from it for a couple of months but just recently started working on it again. I know it's not much right now, but that's what a WIP is supposed to be, right?? First time I'm showing anyone this that isn't @obeymeh03 (yes, I'm tagging you, deal with it) so I'm curious what y'all think 👀👀 Lemme know, please!!! Any and all feedback is appreciated!! I know El isn't directly in what I have so far, but she's mentioned if you look closely 😌😌😌

×××××××××××××

Mike sighs as he shuts off the engine and slips out of the car, closing the driver's side door behind him. He locks it and slips the keys into his jeans pocket, walking right up to the front of the line for the club, ignoring the curses and exasperated looks people send him as he does. He flashes his ID to the bouncer and he's let in right away. Being best friends with the owners of the place has its perks, of course. He ducks through the door and heads straight to the bar first.

"Heeeeyyyy, Wheeler! Fancy seeing you here tonight. Honestly, I wasn't even sure if you were gonna show." Steve exclaims as he spots Mike, setting down the bottle he was holding and walking over.

"Hey, man. Sorry 'bout that, got caught up. Had a long shoot this afternoon and I slept too long afterwards. But I'm here now, no need to send out the search parties." Mike says as he grins at the bartender.

Steve grins right back. "Good to see you, man." He says, reaching into his pocket. "And, uh, that favor you asked me about?" He continues as he hands Mike a piece of paper. Mike takes it quickly, holding onto it as if it'll disappear if he isn't gripping it like his life depends on it.

"Shit, man, thank you so much for this. Seriously, you have no idea." Mike says gratefully.

Steve gives Mike a sad, knowing smile. "Yeah, I know, that's why I did it." Steve says sincerely.

The expression Steve is giving him starts to make Mike uncomfortable, hating the sympathy he sees in it. No, that's not for tonight. He clears his throat as he slips the paper into his pocket with his keys, that way he'll remember that he has it.

"Thanks, Steve. I think I'm gonna head up to the group. I'll see you up there, yeah?" Mike asks.

"Yeah, I'll definitely be there." Steve tells him as he gives a mock salute and then turns away to continue working.

Mike chuckles and shakes his head as he turns away, heading for the stairs leading up to the second floor of the place. He climbs up the transparent spiral staircase and heads to to the middle of the second floor, slipping past the curtains in the doorway of the room he knew the rest of the group would be in. He has eyes on him as soon as he enters and he grins.

"Mike Wheeler! My man, welcome! Glad you could finally make it. Though surprisingly, you're not the last one here." Dustin greets him as Mike rolls his eyes playfully.

"You say that as if I'm always late." Mike retorts.

Eddie snorts as he sets his beer down on the table. "Oh hush, little Mikey. We all know you avoid being on time like the plague."

Mike sighs, exasperated, as he slides into the booth next to the curly-haired man.

"Yeah, yeah. So who are we waiting on?" He asks, switching topics.

Suzie pipes up then. "Nancy and Robin, and Steve's gonna head up right before the clock strikes midnight. Well, Lucas and Max aren't here at the table, but they're downstairs mingling and waiting for Robin and Nancy to get here so that we can kick things off." She states.

"Oh, and I think Max mentioned some new friend of hers when they were up here earlier, so she might be coming as well." Chrissy told Mike.

Mike nods, grabbing one of the beers from the middle of the table. "Okay, cool. Hopefully everyone gets here soon, it's almost time." He says as he takes a drink, closing his eyes and relishing in the familiar taste.

"Yeah, man, we didn't all come here just to be late." Dustin says.

For a good few minutes, they all just talk and laugh and have a good time, catching each other up on the past week and watching as the clock ticks closer to midnight. At 11:57, the rest of their group arrives. Robin and Nancy enter the room first, Max and Lucas close behind.

"We're here, everybody, we're here!" Robin announces as her and Nancy grab chairs from a different table in the room and pull them close up to the table, taking a seat. Max and Lucas stay standing, still in the roles of gracious hosts, as always.

"Took you long enough!" Eddie exclaims, sliding two glass beer bottles towards Nancy and Robin as he does.

Nancy takes hold of hers as she rolls her eyes. "You know we were out of town, Eds. It's a long drive and we underestimated how long it would take." She tells him, leaning her head on Robin's shoulder.

××××××××××

This has also not been beta'd or proofread at all recently 💀💀💀

I'd also like to add that this story is very, very angsty and will be labeled as either mature or explicit, for many reasons, so if either of those aren't your thing, I'd highly recommend you not read this story. But you can make your own choices, of course! I'm just letting you know ahead of time!!

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sweetscenes · 2 years

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It was soon to be extermination, but Millie wasn’t too worried. She’d just do the same thing she did every year, leave Imp City in the Pride Ring and head on home to Wrath, where she’d spend the time hanging out with her folks and siblings.

A sound came from her phone, and she picked it up. Looking at the caller ID, getting excited when she saw it was her parents. They rarely called, not liking to use much technology, so when they did it was always a big deal.

Answering, she gave no time for them to give a greeting. “Hi Mama, Daddy!” She exclaimed, beginning to walk around the apartment, because who could just sit there while on the phone.

“Well if it ain’t my deadly little pumpkin spice, how ya been?” Her dad replied, and Millie was so caught up in the excitement, she didn’t notice his tone of voice.

“Oh I’ve been good! Just workin’ at the company and spendin’ time with Mox. A lot of things are happenin’ in Pride. Speaking of Pride, are y’all gonna pick us up at the Hellevator or are we driving?” Millie asked. It was important to arrange these things ahead of time, travel times filled up fast when all the imps and hellborn were leaving Pride to go to one of the other rings. Only a small fraction escaped, the rest had to stay in Pride due to the limited number of spots.

“Actually, Mills, that’s what we wanted to talk to you about...” Came her Dad’s tone, and Millie frowned. It sounded downtrodden, and instantly she was worried. Did they want her to come earlier? Did something happen? Were her and Moxxie needed?

“Is everythin’ okay Daddy? Was there another firestorm?” Millie asked, not wanting to waste any more time with pleasantries when there could be lives at stake.

“Oh no, everythin’ is fine, your mama and I just needed to talk to ya about somethin’” Her dad said, and she could tell he put the phone on speakerphone due to hearing her mom clear her throat.

Millie felt relieved, instantly calming down. Although she was still on edge, it wasn’t nearly as bad as before.

“Oh, then what’s happenin’?”

Millie heard shuffling around at the other end, and then she heard her mom talking. She must have taken over.

“Well, your Daddy and I have some... concerns.” She said, and Millie frowned. It was the same tone she often took right before she began critiquing her lifestyle or her choice in husband.

Giving an annoyed sigh, she ran a hand through her hair.

“I already told ya Ma, freelance doesn’t mean workin’ for free and Mox is the love of my life. I thought you were gettin’ along better.” Millie said, not wanting to entertain it any further.

“Don’t take that tone with me missy!” Came the sharp rebuke of her mom, like she was a little kid again who was arguing about her bed time. “We’ve got some very real things we need to address, so cool your jets.”

Millie, despite being an adult, felt properly chastised. She gave an apology, and listened.

“Millie, sweetheart, your thespian type husband is only one decision that we’ve been worried about. It wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t compounded with other things that have concerned us.” Her dad had taken over again, using more compassion than her mom, but still having a business tone to it.

Millie felt her blood begin to boil, but she pushed down her frustration to try and calm herself down so she wasn’t scolded again. “What are they? I thought we had everythin’ covered after the Harvest Jamboree?” Millie thought that they had a whole arc and everything. That it was over and done with. Apparently not.

“The Harvest Moon Festival opened our eyes. We got to thinkin’ and realized that you’ve been slippin’. You ain’t the girl we raised. We’re worried you’re losing your nerve, pumpkin.” Her dad said, as if that would soften the blow.

Millie’s eyes widened, not believing what she was hearing. How dare they say she was losing her touch? She was out there every day killing and maiming.

“I’m an assassin, I do more than y’all think. Why can’t y’all accept that?” Millie asked, sounding more hurt than she intended.

“If that’s true then why did Striker take ya down like that? He got rid of ya easy. He threatened ya partner and ya boss, and you couldn’t even gut him right! The Millie WE knew and raised would have killed him without breakin’ a sweat. You’ve changed.” Her mama critiqued, and Millie felt her heart begin to race.

Was that what this was all about? The Striker thing? He was difficult! She already said he was as slippery as they came. It took two highly skilled people to even get close to defeating him!

“We’ve been over this! He was a slippery little thing, no one would have been able to beat him in hand to hand! If I met him again I’d-”

“The Millie we raised wouldn’t have moved to Pride at all! She would have stayed in Wrath with her family just down the way, even if she married someone like that! She certainly wouldn’t be working for scraps, at the mercy of some feathered bitch!” Her mom yelled.

“Oh yeah? So I’m supposed to just be the same girl I was when I was younger? Is that what y’all would have preferred?” Millie yelled back, not afraid of being shut down this time.

“Millie, listen to me sweetie. We love you! We love you just the way you are. But the choices you’ve been makin’ just ain’t right! Frankly, you need to be taught a lesson, little lady. Remember your roots. You’ve been slippin’, there ain’t no other way to say this.” Her dad said, not yelling like her mom but his tone was firm.

Millie felt a pit open up in her stomach, knowing whatever was coming wasn’t good.

“What do ya want me to do? Have a timeout in my room? Ground me?” Millie asked sarcastically, not willing to show just how scared she was feeling.

“No. What you need is a refresher of exactly what and who you are. Which is why...” Her mama hesitated, and Millie held her breath, feeling her heart clench.

“You ain’t comin’ to Wrath for extermination. We won’t sponsor any trips to any other rings either. Ya wanted to move to Pride, ya wanted to make ya own choices, you gotta live with them sugarplum.” Her dad said bluntly, and Millie felt her entire world collapse.

She struggled to breathe, trying hard to speak. All she could do was let out a strangled, “Why?”

“Like we said, ya need a kick in the seat. You’ve gotten complacent, you lost your touch. If you remember all the things we’ve taught ya and returned to how you were before all this Moxxie and freelance things happened, you’ll survive just fine.”

Millie began to panic, not only worried for herself, but for Moxxie. How were they gonna survive? Imp City was notoriously shitty when it came to crime and security, it was a hotbed for exterminators and angels. Nobody opened up their safe havens for imps, as far as most sinners were concerned the more imps that were gone, the higher their chances were to survive.

“Mama, Daddy, these things ain’t like regular demons! They’re bloodthirsty killers who can take down overlords!” Millie got out, her voice uneven and her eyes brimmed with unshed tears. “Don’t ya love me? I’m gonna die!” Millie yelled, wanting to get the point across.

She heard her mother sniff, and her dad’s voice sounded like he was holding back his emotions. “Sweetie pie listen to me and listen good. It’s because we love you we are doin’ this. Once you survive this, you’ll survive anythin’. If you use all those skills you’ve left neglected, you’ll do just fine. We’ll have a big family dinner afterward, okay?” Her dad said, his voice breaking a little.

Millie didn’t want to hear it, she didn’t want to hear about how it’s for her own good. How she had this coming. How she was supposed to react. How can she when they knew damn well what they were doing? Millie couldn’t understand, she just couldn’t. How long has this been bubbling?

Millie’s tears finally came down, she began sobbing. She tried to control it, but she couldn’t help but let the tears come in thick streams. She felt the betrayal so deep, it made her sore.

She heard her family comforting her, but she ignored it. There was silence on the other end while she let it all out, but eventually she got herself to stop.

“Mama, Daddy.” Millie said, wiping off her still falling tears with the back of her hand. “I love y’all so much. But if ya can’t put your judgements aside about my choices to stop me from a death sentence, then I guess this is goodbye.”

Millie heard them try to reassure her more, but she ended the call. She threw her phone against the wall, hearing the crack. She didn’t really care, and instead sunk to her knees, curling up in a ball.

It wasn’t just the extermination that hurt. It was the fact that her parents still couldn’t respect her or her choices. They refused to see her growth, acknowledge she was happy. It broke her heart, that they didn’t seem to care about her. Only the idealized version of her they held. She was abandoned, let out to dry. They threw her into a survive or die situation, just because they thought they knew her better than she knew herself. It wasn’t just enough for her to not be invited home, they wouldn’t even add her name to the list of imps from Pride allowed in the Wrath ring.

And that’s where Millie stayed, curled up on the floor. Her tears still flowing as she eventually fell into a sorrow filled, uneasy slumber.

#told y'all im doing something bad to millie #;ic #;drabble #;angel of death - millie #helluva boss tw

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jodilin65 · 31 years

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SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 1993 I came up with a bright idea on how to get Ellie’s number. That is, only if she doesn’t have the Caller ID block on her line. I’ll leave her a note saying I just discovered I have two bowls and a glass of hers. Also, Fay came by and gave me a few things to give to her. Please do not knock on my door, call me and I’ll leave the stuff by her door. When I go to post this note on her door, I’ll make sure I get her apartment number so I can write her a beautiful letter after I’ve moved.

I saw Ellie today as I was on my way to mail a letter. She looked horrible and at first, I didn’t recognize her. She looked like maybe she gained a bit of weight. Her face looked all puffy, haggard and depressed. She was getting into a car with a younger girl, maybe her daughter. Her hair looked pretty pitiful too.

Andy’s gonna let me sleep at his place this weekend as the bitch next door’s noisy as it is and now a guy’s moving in down below me. I knew my luck would eventually run out. I can stay at Andy’s whenever I need to till I move and maybe Scott’s too.

I informed Judy today that there’s an 85% chance that a guy’s gonna take over my lease. Scott’s roommate.

Oh, yeah! That’s right. I have yet to mention all about my new apartment. Well, I’ll do that later as it’s definitely one of the subjects that are gonna take some time to cover.

Guess who began working where I work last Wednesday? Kara’s sister Stacey. It’s a surprise, but then again it’s not. She does seem like the type who’d do this job. She told me not to tell Kara. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to tell Kara cuz I don’t like to go behind people’s back and end up going back on my word. I know exactly how that feels. Then again, Kara would be the last one to freak out about it and she was gonna work there herself if she had been hired. Plus, Kara could keep a secret.

I’ve decorated tons of envelopes and they sure look cool. I sent Tammy a pamphlet on my new apartment. When I move I’ll get one to send to my parents, too.

Scott says there’s a big black friendly cat there and he’s keeping it. I said, “It’s mine! I want it.” No problem, he said, and he’s gonna get it neutered and declawed. This is great as I thought to myself how great it’d be if I found the “right stray” after moving. What I mean by that is a cat like Shadow or Moon Shadow. Not like those two, Dennis took me to get through the paper and Dennis’s brother’s friend’s cat that screamed non-stop.

Last week I did something I’ve wanted to do for a long long time. I’m gonna do this at least once a month. Barbara still keeps her ringer off during the night when they’re asleep. I called on a weekday at 6:15 AM and her son Tony answered. I had the flu at this time and it was even easier to disguise my voice. I said my name was Kathy and that I was very sick and needed to speak to Barbara. Tony said she wasn’t up yet which I was very glad to hear. I told him to get her on the phone anyway as it was very urgent. He did. She said hello in a very sleepy voice. I spit really loud and hung up.

Little does she know that I’m still (unfortunately) being woken up here and there even though it’s nowhere near as bad as there. At first, I was afraid to do this, thinking God would surely get me for it somehow. Then I said, now wait a minute! I still get woken up here half the time and I’ve been behaving and being a complete sweetheart. I really hope it’s over when I move and that for the first time in nearly 3 years, I’ll be able to sleep when I want to with no music. Music is for listening to, not for sleeping. At least that’s how I feel. I want to return to those days of being able to sleep in total silence.

About two weeks ago I called the office and really let Stacey have it, but I think she got a big kick out of it. So many people love it when I go off cuz of the choice of words I use and how I say them. People get a real kick out of me when I first wake up. At fucking 9:00 in the goddamn morning, they had the parking lot sweepers here. I ripped shitting pissed. I called the office and asked what the hell was going on. I thought they were mowing again and she told me what it was and that she had to have them there once a month. I said something like, “I gotta get out of this complex. I’m outa here! OK, bye!” and she said, “Bbyyyyeeee.” I’m sure she got a real kick out of that. I could swear she was trying really damn hard not to burst out laughing. I’m sure all 3 of them and maybe even the maintenance guys were cracking up about it and that they wish they had it on tape.

About two weeks into my job, a girl named Shelby quit who was very nice. I’d given her the apartment office number here in case she wanted to check it out. I did tell her, though, that the walls are too thin and that there are plenty of screaming kids after school and on weekends cuz you know damn well they’re not gonna tell her that at the office. No thanks, she said. She also said she was not sure if she was gonna return to Reno or stay here. I gave her my number, then forgot all about her till she called and left a message. She’s managing a place where they do topless, nude and private dancing with top-notch security. She really wants me to work for her. I’ve got her on hold.

When I move I’ll be 20 minutes away from work. Steve says he’ll still drive me home and flat rate me $5. That’s nice, but I’d really like to find a place closer to where I’ll be living and also where I may make more money.

Last night Andy and I went to the Valley West Mall and I got my picture taken. Next Friday I have to go over my proofs.

While I was there I got some killer clothes. A short pair of orange shorts with orange fringes off the bottom around the thighs. It also has a black ring buckle-like thing at the front of the waist with diamonds around it. At first, I thought my thighs would be too big for them, but it’s actually very slimming on me. I also got a gorgeous red shirt. It’s got open shoulders, so to speak, with colored glass stones around the chest area. I got one other shirt. It’s a black silk-like half-shirt with ruffles and white daisy flowers across the chest. The two shirts and the shorts cost $28. I also got a pair of very comfortable black pumps for $10. They’re 3” high. Lastly, I got 4 very nice journals, so now I have a grand total of 44. They cost me $30.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 1993 I have a million things to write about, so I’ll get started. Kara’s leaving tomorrow with a friend to Vegas for two weeks. She said she’d write. Tomorrow I have to call channel 10 to try to get a tape for Andy. I also must call Laurie to bring me to work and Steve to let him know I’ll need to be picked up.

It’s gonna be really hard to get up tomorrow since I slept till 7:00 this evening.

Andy’s party went over well and tomorrow is his day off. I really hope he doesn’t wake me up. He picked up another CD by Linda for me. Canciones di mi Padre. I also got a CD I ordered by mail called Instrumental Magic.

Earlier Fran tried to call me while my ringer was off, but I guess he spoke to Andy. Andy left him and Fran talking on my machine and I guess Fran mentioned Tracy staying at LaRagione’s. I was there as a foster kid of Harry and Ann B when I was 16.

I’ve called Nervous a few times and I called Kim once. Bob, of course, still has no phone. I just sent him and everyone else I know a letter.

I’ve told Tammy and my mom about the latest news with Capitol Records. I’ve also sent Mom and Dad a tape. I edited their message when they got sick.

Scott took me to the ER last week and I have forms to give them at work. I never made it to the doctor’s today, but at least I got my refills and am over the flu. It sure does feel good to be back from the deathbed. That was my first flu in a year. The last flu was when I was in CT.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 1993 I fell asleep yesterday morning at 8:00 and got up at 12:30. My flu was worse today, but now it’s better, thank God.

Today, or yesterday I should say, was Andy’s 31st birthday. He got cards from family and friends as well as phone calls. At work, a girl made him a cake. He gave me some and it was good.

He had to go to a friend’s house and he stopped at the store for me which was nice. He got me something called Drixoral and it’s helped a lot. He also got fruit juice and popcorn for me. I had a raging fever and was very congested in the chest. My back was so sore, achy and tight, but the Drixoral helped.

Even at 27, I still feel the need to call Mommy when I get sick. When we kids were sick, as well as with our material needs, Mom was great. She’s still sick too, and has been for two weeks.

Andy thanked her for sending me to Phoenix.

We also called Tammy.

I called the phone company today and they had just gotten my $50 deposit for Sprint. Today I should have long-distance, but I do have my caller ID. Andy and Laurie are getting blocks, so I won’t know when they’re calling.

I called the doctor’s office and the soonest they can get me in is next Monday at 4:15. I called Omar’s and told this to the woman who answered.

Tomorrow night Andy’s having 10 people over for his birthday party. I’m not looking forward to that with the way I’m feeling, but anything’s better than his sister and nephew.

I fell asleep last night from 10:30 - 1:00 AM and I hope to fall asleep soon.

The drugstore will be delivering prescriptions tomorrow. The nurse at the doctor’s office said she called in something.

Tonight I’m supposed to get together with Scott, but we’ll see how I feel. Maybe I’ll have him stop up here.

Two nights ago Andy and I called Nerv. I spoke for the first 10 minutes, but he was boring. Then when Andy started talking he became totally silent but never hung up till we ditched him 15 minutes later.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 1993 Around 6 AM yesterday morning I began to have a slight sore throat. Miraculously, I slept solidly from 8 AM-4 PM. When I awoke I knew I had a cold. I called the bar and was given Omar’s number (the owner). Some woman answered saying I may have to show a doctor’s note or be fired unless there are enough girls. I do need to get in to see my doctor anyway, but I don’t know how soon I can. Paying a fine is out of the question and they have way way way too many girls on. Why is cuz 16 out of Omar’s 17 bars were shut down. It was a 1-year court order for tax evasion. He could’ve afforded it, he just didn’t pay it and I heard he practically pulled the $150,000 he owed right out of his pocket. The guy’s filthy rich and lives in Paradise Valley in a 4,000-square-foot house, so he doesn’t need my fine. What it is is that people are greedy even when they already have millions. The dancers make enough money to be fined, whereas the bouncers and everyone else don’t. Yeah, I’ve heard strange stories about Omar, but hey, he’s a fucking Arab so I’m not surprised.

I just pray to God that whatever I have doesn’t get any worse. I need to work next Wednesday. Why couldn’t this have happened before I got this job? Mom, Dad, Tammy, Andy have all gone through this and I guess it’s my turn. First time in a year, though, luckily.

Earlier this evening, it was Kara to the rescue. She came over and whacked my back to help bring the goop up. She and I made popcorn and listened to about 15 minutes of tapes of Nervous, Fran, Andy and me. I knew I had to lay low to try to beat this cold, but you know I can’t sit still. I’ve never had a cold, yet been so good mentally if you know what I mean. All my other colds and flues, I was stuck in Norwich, Crackfield or Deadfield. Isolated or surrounded by dope heads, fires, and people slamming the walls. Or in Valleyhead, Brattleboro, or home. I even forced myself to sing as a last resort to this having to worsen. Music’s my medicine.

Andy came over and I gave him some money I owed him for long-distance calls on his phone. I also showed him some awesome envelopes I decorated.

He picked me up (with my money) a CD of Linda’s called Prisoner in Disguise. There are lots of old songs I love to sing on there.

His friend Adam from Springfield sent two out of the 3 Amy Fisher movies. I’d seen two of them, but Andy saw only one. It’s all about this 17-year-old girl obsessed with a married man that shoots his wife, who survives. It’s a true story.

It sure was funny seeing all the old familiar news people during news updates. The emergency weather bulletin was saying how roads were sheets of ice, it was freezing cold rain, the snow turned to ice and there were multi-car pile-ups. I saw all the footage during the weather updates and laughed.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 1993 I cut $134 tonight! This sure makes up for the 3 days I worked before this. It was dead. I only made between $50 and $80.

Monday I should have my long-distance service and my Caller ID. They delivered the Caller ID box a few days ago. I programmed my phone with new phone numbers. I also took out old numbers. Such as Dennis’s and Randy’s. Randy apparently moved. These are the people’s numbers I’ll have: Andy, Laurie, John, my number (for when I page people) Fran, Nervous, Tammy, Mom and Dad, voice messaging, my code, Scott, Dr. Kareus, the apartment office, Kara, Mary, bank, Stephanie, my account number, my social security number, Velma and work.

Tim said Angie and Vicki decided not to call me back cuz I am only looking for one-nighters. This is so weird. I can understand the fear of AIDS, but very few people want or can deal with a relationship any more than I can. Everyone’s into sex and fun. Also, so many others, like me, can’t deal with the shit involved in relationships and they don’t want to be tied down. Do I lie and tell people I want a relationship? Then dump them even if it hurts them cuz that’s life? You win some, you lose some. Then again, I know I’m not destined for even a one-nighter for years.

Later…

So much for trying to go to sleep. I really wish I could, though, cuz of the bitch next door. On the weekend (especially Sundays) it sounds like the bitch is shooting basketballs off the walls. I’ll also have to deal with her on Monday cuz it’s President’s Day. Well, like I said, if I can’t sleep on Sundays, she can’t sleep at 2 AM on Mondays.

Last summer while I was still in the first-floor apartment next to Mark, Andy got a note on his door. It definitely looked like a female wrote it, but it said it was a gay, free male who’d seen Andy a lot at the pool. They wanted to meet him and said to leave a reply taped to the fire extinguisher. Back then he suspected Mark and his girlfriend Michelle. I’m sure they’re no longer together as most couples aren’t that long. Especially people like him and her. Anyway, I took an envelope and wrote his name and address as the return address. I made up a bogus name and address to be sent to, and of course, it’ll be sent back to him marked return-to-sender. With the note enclosed, of course. I also signed her name at the bottom of the note.

Now here’s the Celeste story. And like most stories, it never amounts to anything. I’m glad, though, for two reasons. I’ll explain why through the story. Last Thursday night at work I gave this guy named Joe a table dance. After that, he asked me about a threesome with him and his wife. I explained I was gay and liked feminine women with no male involved, but he could easily find a bi woman through The New Times. So, he said he could keep out of it and let me and his feminine wife alone together. He said they have an open marriage, but she’d never go for a relationship. I said I couldn’t either. They were looking for an apartment, but currently, they’re in a motel. He gave me their number.

I called after work and she promised to keep him out of the picture. She also confessed to doing Crystal. Do I look like a druggie? Or an alkie? What do these people see in me? Why do I attract them? So, they say I shouldn’t blame myself, but I feel I could be in a room with 99 sober people and one druggie. That’s the one I’d get. No matter how I looked. No matter what I said. No matter how I acted. No matter what mood I was in. The drugs are one reason I won’t get involved with her. The other is that there’s always a fucking male in the middle of these kinds of things. When there’s a male involved, he cannot stay out of it. I’m afraid of her coming over, and then he shows up. Another reminder from God that lust ain’t meant to be.

Well, I’m gonna go try to hit the sack now before that bitch next door wakes me up in 3 hours.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 1993 I have lots to write about, but I’m off tomorrow, so I’ll get caught up now.

I must call the bank, the phone company, Kara, Joe and Celeste. I need to call Joe to bitch him out. Celeste is another story I’ll get into later. I still haven’t called Willie yet.

As far as getting my hair straightened, well, it was a bust. My hair’s still quite curly. Velma did trim my bangs OK and she gave me some nice hair care products. I gave her $15 for her birthday. She said she’d try straightening my hair again for free on the 22nd, but I’m sure it won’t work. She also mentioned getting a straightening iron for me, too. Maybe she’d rather buy me the iron, rather than spend all that time again straightening my hair. I don’t think it’ll work a second time if it failed the first.

The other day Andy told me he called Judy at the office and he asked her to come over. Without asking why she and Stacey went over and he showed them how those fucking kids were playing on his stairs. I went and told Stacey exactly how I feel about the kids here as well as the too-thin walls. As figured, she said she couldn’t chain me to my door, but that if I leave she’ll send a bill to me and my parents. She did say she agrees with me as far as the kids should be separated from those without kids. Also, she “does not not like me.”

She lied about 3 things, though. One, she said there were only 4 kids here. Two, no one else has ever complained about the kids except me and Andy. Three, it’s against the law to separate kids from adults. All this is bullshit. I have plenty of reliable sources and references.

Andy gave me a survey form that goes directly to the management company. I wrote all about Stacey, the kids, and the walls being so thin. Ever since I turned Andi next door in for having all those kids, she’s been noisier. I still basically don’t hear her as she’s never home, but on Sundays, it sounds like the walls are gonna cave in. She even drove Mary nuts. I need my sleep on Sundays cuz I dance Sunday nights. I swear I’m gonna wake her up when I come in early Monday morning if she keeps this up. Twice she’s done this. Speaking of Mary, well she’s a great person. She’s given me about 4-5 rides since we met and I helped her get newspapers into the recycling bin. She calls me up whenever she wants predictions or vibes on anything.

A few days ago I got a call from a woman from some sales and advertising business. She asked me a trivia question about Paul Newman. What’s he known for besides acting? I had 3 choices and I picked salad dressing which was the correct answer. I got several coupons for restaurants, Riverside Resort in Nevada, 25% off upholstery and Montgomery/Ward photo studios. The Nevada and upholstery deal, I’ll probably never use, but I used one restaurant coupon the night Andy, Stephanie and I went out to dinner. At the photo studio at Valley West Mall, I get four 8x10s and a framed 11x14. The only thing that sucks about this deal is that each photo sitting must be 4 months apart. Soon, I’m gonna make an appointment when Andy can take me there on my night off. There better be no catch either.

A deliveryman brought this package over and I paid $20.

The other night at work I bought a $30 dress. A purple satin one with matching G-string, and along the chest part of the dress are feathers. I like it, but the feathers keep falling out. There are 2 things I want to get for work. Boots, rather than shoes so I am cushioned a little more when I kneel down. Gloves would be more comfortable too, when I’m leaning on my arms. It’ll also hide my nails if there are ever days when I wasn’t in the mood to polish them. Great way to cover up polished nails when the polish starts chipping.

Kim left a message telling me Bob’s in trouble, accused of raping a 12-year-old girl. She said she doesn’t know if he’s in jail. She’s also not sure if he’s gonna skip out and head on out here.

Despite the statistics, I believe he’s innocent. The guy’s so weak, even a 12-year-old girl could fight him off.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 1993 I got a letter from Bob today as well as a million things to write about. First, let me say that I’ve come up with a unique, yet very accurate way to describe life on my own since December 3rd of 1985. From Crack Alley to the boonies to a madhouse to the funny farm to Phoenix to exotic dancing. Neat, huh?

On Monday, Everett came to fix my door with perfect timing which was at 2:40. He did a great job.

Good news for me, but not for Andy. His sister and nephew are not coming! No motels to worry about now. Marla’s pregnant so she can’t come out here till after the baby’s born. By then Andy and I won’t be here.

Still have discharges downstairs. Oh well. What else is new?

Andy, Stephanie and I went out to an Italian place for dinner. The place was dead, but the food was good.

I’m still getting used to all this extra money. I guess it’d also take some getting used to for a person who always had money that went broke. I can now afford the weekly TV guide, rather than go chase down people’s TV time sections of their Sunday papers.

I can get lots of stamps, too. I just sent Fran a picture of Kara which he’s wanted. I also sent him and Nerv two blooper pictures of Andy in San Francisco. Since I’m much busier, my letters to everyone will be slowing down. Just like with my journal writing. I’m especially gonna slow down my letters to my nieces. I’m a bit disappointed as I haven’t gotten a letter since last August. No letters about school, holidays, vacations or the letters and money I’ve sent.

Thanks to Andy, he’s gotten me into another neat hobby. Envelope decorating. I also got these really cool changeable markers. Six different colors that can be changed with a special marker. If I used purple and scratched over it with a clear marker, it changes it to pink. You can use either the changer marker first, or the regular ones first.

Later…

Andy and I have been passing messages all night long. A great way to clear our minds of whatever without interrupting each other.

He’s talking about apartment sharing with Stephanie. I told him to do whatever he wants, but I have a bad feeling as I did with a guy named Chris he took in a short while. With the way I can read people and I warned him about Chris, Nancy and others, I say they’ll fuck each other over and kill their friendship. He needs his space like I do, even if the person were perfect. She has friends that are all current or past druggies and alkies. She’s 41 and still trusting the wrong types to be alone in her apartment to rip her off. If she let someone in like that, they could rip him off too, or maybe she’d rip him off. I can also see her coming in wasted with wasted friends. And also fighting over chores and bills.

Laurie and Fran got their numbers changed. Laurie due to her baby’s father harassing her. Fran due to the typical story. He gets harassed, changes his number every two months, then gives his number to the same people who were harassing him before.

I got up the bravery to call this number Tim gave me. I spoke to Angie, but Vicki wasn’t home. We had a nice talk and I gave her my number. Neither of them returned my call and I won’t call them. I can only initiate so much. I like to chase and play games, but only if there’s something there to do so with.

A few mornings ago, very early, like 5 AM Eastern time, Andy and I called Kim who was just getting up. It was -3º! We talked about shit in general. She got my letters and thinks my job is great and is so happy for me. I may get a letter from her soon. She also told me something about Bob being sued for stealing someone’s grill. With that and his playing around with young kids, we both believe he is innocent, despite all the statistics. We called Fran too, but he was on his way to bed. We called Nervous who was drunk off his ass big time. He would not stay on the phone longer than 5 minutes, but I got a few great lines. We tried calling Barbara but got no answer. Fran called earlier about us all ranking on Nervous, but I was on the phone about to go out to dinner. That’s how it usually works.

Later…

Last Saturday I got a message from Mom and Dad. They were both very sick with colds, yet their message was a classic. I’m gonna edit it and send it to them. I had Kara call them and they called me. We had an excellent talk. I respect their opinions, and even though they don’t approve of it they are at least happy I’m happy. However, I’m still upset with Ma for ditching my pictures. I still do intend to talk to her about it, too.

Soon I’ll be having Sprint for long-distance and Caller ID.

Later…

I slept 9 hours yesterday and I sure needed it, but today I won’t sleep too much. I probably won’t conk out till 9:00 and I want to be up by 3:00.

Scott came into where I work last Sunday night. Sundays are dead, so I’m glad he did. I cut $59 and without him, I’d have only cut $39. Now that he’s gotten to know me, he’s told me more personal things about himself, but he really is a cool guy. He ain’t your TM (typical male) and he really only comes in to see me. I never danced for him as he’d rather talk which is cool. I asked if he could take me home after work, but I could be fired cuz it’s against the rules, so I couldn’t let him drive me.

Since John’s working at Circle K, a convenience store, and not driving, Steve sometimes drives me. He’s Corey’s regular driver (Corey’s another dancer) and when he takes us both he charges us only $3 each.

Laurie will be back at Denny’s part-time, so she won’t always be able to pick me up to bring me home.

Kara’s been babysitting a lot for Laurie. I called Kara and told her I haven’t forgotten about her, but I just realized I was supposed to call her when I got in from dinner. Oh well. I do, though, really want to see her on my next day off.

John called to say hi a few times and he’s now in his own apartment.

A close friend of Scott’s had a heart attack, but within a few days, he’ll talk to Bill Toddman at Capitol Records. He’s also gonna let me know about a dinner he needs someone to go with to for rich businessmen.

I met another fairly decent guy, and they do come in here and there, who knows a feminine gay woman who also likes other fems. He’s gonna try getting her number so I can play with her head. Again, never to the degree most people go to. He told me two very important things. Never forget her name - Jennifer - or she’ll be furious. The first bill he hands me will have her number if she’s agreed to give it to me.

I haven’t heard from Joe and I am gonna call him and give him a piece of my mind, despite being used to false promises.

I told Kara to tell her dad to forget the Polaroid and to say no the next time I ask to borrow something, rather than keep me hanging. John says he thinks he can get access to one, though.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 1993 I can’t sleep yet, so I figured I’d write. Today marks one year since the ultimate nightmare began (of all my time being on my own). This was the day I moved to CT. I feel two things when I remember that. One is I cringe with horror, depression and anxiety. The other, I laugh as I’m long gone. In about 6 hours from now, adding the 2-hour difference I was crying my eyes out. Tammy and I realized we were bullshitted by Mary Jane. We discovered their apartment next door goes over part of mine and the walls are paper-thin. I remember being in the tub hearing every word they’d say next door and wishing I had a shower. I remember how filthy the place was and trying to fit my furniture in. Boy, have I come a long way!

However, I’m out of here, too. I most certainly wouldn’t say these walls are paper-thin. I’d say a few layers of cardboard. There also aren’t 4 kids next to me and not a million outside, but there are still a few too many. Way more than enough. These apartments, as well as the grounds, are beautiful, but I’ve had it and I’m finally (after 3 years) gonna get a place where I can sleep anytime. With no music and where my sleep’s guaranteed unless I wake up on my own. No more am I going to sleep with a 50/50 chance of not being woken up by someone banging in the building. I’m also sick of those fucking kids outside screaming on weekends and after school. I was told it was quiet here and they never told me these walls were too thin. I didn’t come here to pay for thin walls and screaming kids. I never asked for that in my rent. Even if I were a day person, when I want to hear my TV, that’s all I want to hear. Not the kids too, or others in this building. Laurie and others have moved for the same reasons. I know I’m far from the first person to complain and I know I’ll be far from the last.

Tuesday I’m gonna tell Stacey the facts and she’s either gonna let me out of my lease or we’ll go to court. My parents won’t give them a dime. I will give them 30 days’ notice and they can also keep their deposit.

Tomorrow I get my hair chemically straightened. Velma will be picking me up at 3:00. I hope I fall asleep by 6:00. I hope many times over that I sleep straight through till 2:00.

That new asshole maintenance guy never fixed my fucking sliding door. I left a message for them to remember not to knock before 2:00 and I put a note on my door, but I’m sure the guys will fuck up. Some people just don’t give a shit.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 1993 I made a lousy $71 tonight, but it sure beats SSI, doesn’t it?

There are two new gorgeous dancers, and Tim, who I thought was Jim, gave me a number of some friends he knows. Tim’s the bouncer, in case I forgot to mention. It’s what he swears is a feminine couple, Vicki and Angie who know a lot of people, but I still just don’t know. I just want to play the game people play (to a degree), but this is a good friend of Tim’s. Tim’s a very good guy, so I’d assume he’d have some pretty decent friends. However, I’m tired of the same old one-sided and non-mutual deal. If it lusts for me, I don’t lust for it. If I lust for it, it don’t lust for me. It’ll also either smother me or say they’ll call or see you and it never does.

Linda was really getting fun to play with and I’m shocked she’s never called again. She told me she wasn’t giving up on me so I’m shocked she did.

Kara taped a Gloria special from the radio for me last Saturday night while I was working. I haven’t heard it all yet, but why on earth did she go and cut her hair?

Still haven’t heard from Bob.

Andy and I spoke to Tammy last week and we had a nice talk. Tammy’s so thrilled and grateful for the money I’m sending her to help her out. She says Mom and Dad can understand why I’m doing what I’m doing with all the money I’m making and my loving to dance, but they’re shocked. I would be too, if I ever knew I’d be doing this.

I finally got Tammy’s package. There was a huge paint-by-number, which honestly bores me, so I gave it to Kara. I also gave Kara a box of crayons and a book of crossword puzzles she sent. I kept the word find puzzles and the nice package of magic markers. She also sent colored pencils and some food like popcorn, pudding, cupcakes and soup. I used the markers to make awesome decorations on the front and back of the envelopes. They do a good job of concealing. I sent her cash in 4 envelopes. I told her to call me to tell me she got 4, in white, pink, green and orange. I’ve also been decorating envelopes for others.

Last Sunday night, John was in and he met Scott. I gave him a tape of me singing two full songs and I hope to hear from him soon. Maybe I can call him and I also want to check out where he lives just in case when my lease is up. He says he has a 2-bedroom apartment which is 1200 square feet and costs $537 per month. It has super thick walls and he can’t hear a thing. He also says they separate kids, adults and the elderly the way it should be everywhere.

A week ago Andy called and I simply told him for the millionth time to keep our business ours. He’s been fine so far.

Laurie’s a cool person and she’s been my driver. She’s not sure if she wants to audition or not.

Last Saturday night was a shocker for me when both Andy and Stephanie showed up at the club. They were very complimentary about how much my dancing’s improved. Also about my body which is better, but still needs improvement. I think everyone always feels that way about their bodies.

That night both Laurie and Kara came to get me. They were out earlier drinking together.

At first, Tim and others could swear Andy was a girl. He and I were laughing about this, as I say there’s a difference between girls and fags.

Later…

I decided I wanted a bigger calendar, so I cut up my teddy bear calendar to decorate my journals with. I made a calendar for now. I also need to reprogram numbers into my phone as well as delete some, such as Dennis’s and asshole Ellie’s.

I haven’t heard from Randy, so who knows what he’s up to?

I was reading back in journal 7, cracking up over certain stuff. Like how I thought my asthma would be better with moving back to Woodside Terrace. Little did I know the sheer hell I was to go through there! Saying moist air helps when it really makes it worse was dumb. Of course, I also didn’t realize how bad the stench of the Mill River got and how bad the neighborhood got. Not that it’d be long before the harsh reality hit me. I just didn’t want to believe how bad that area became cuz I wanted my old apartment back badly. I never realized how fast an area can go to hell either. There were also some funny mistakes as well as stuff that made no sense.

I must call Velma at 6:00 this morning. Andy gave me her number. I want her to trim my bangs and straighten my hair.

Here’s a list of some things I’d like. Some of them, though, I’m not in a dire hurry for. I’d like my phone blocks to be removed so I can call long-distance. A pair of new heels, my CD player fixed (Not the portable one Steve gave me. The one I bought a few days before I moved to S Deerfield), a color TV, a better microwave, maybe cable, and a vacuum like Andy’s like I had back east. Definitely a major shopping spree one of these days.

Well, now it’s time once again for a cigarette break.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 1993 Well, here I am and I am feeling just fine. I’ve never ever been happier in my whole life. It feels so good. Now, 26½ years of misery is just a memory. Only two ER visits since coming here sure are better than more. I’ve only had two depressing spells which were a joke and they didn’t last long. It was over food and money when I first got here. I only wish I’d begun this job right after I first got here. I also wish I’d moved here long ago, but I know there are a time and reason for everything. I’m sure all the misery I went through as a kid and since being on my own was a survival test. God only knows how in the hell I did survive. But going through all I did surely makes you more sensitive and open-minded. It makes you not as naïve and enables you to read people well.

Earlier Fran called. We called Kara, but she was busy giving Ashley a bath. She’s going to Vegas for two weeks with an old girlfriend. Fran called Nervous and I called Andy. I taped it.

Then, I treated Andy to Red Lobster where we ordered shrimp. The bill was $32 and I left a $4 tip.

I’m watching Hunter now and Andy and I were laughing our asses off earlier. Back east it’s 0º with wind chills of -40º.

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harutostablet · 3 months

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Writing this way late but a lot of shit has gone down once I got back to school so, whatever. The trip was cool. I went in like a ninja. The ferry and plane rides were pretty boring. I expected that. I'm happy that I got some sleeping pills before got on the plane. LAX was LAX. No one is looking for random a short, Asian dude, wearing glasses, a raggedy hoodie, jeans, baseball cap and dirty sneakers. Kami-ane sent her driver. An older American dude who was surprised I spoke English. I could tell he also expected to see someone over the top. When I told him I was a college student, suddenly, my shabby appearance made sense. Aoi-ane and Kami-ane were already at Kami-ane's beach rental when I arrived. It was so good to catching up with them in person. They grilled me about Mugen. Like they haven't asked me all the same stuff. It wasn't long before Red Bull, hair, and make up arrived to get us ready for the impromptu club visits. Paparazzi called out to Aoi-ane and Kami-ane as soon as car door opened. I tried to wait them out but my loving sisters made sure to pull me out too. I think the legal age in America is 21 but who can keep up with it. They never check my ID anyway. Commodity: something of use, advantage, or value. Watching my older sisters work the room at these places was a thing of beauty. They were all pretty baubles and perfect words. They set a standard that set the bar so high it would never be reached by most. True images of pop culture. No one cared that Aoi-ane had an engineering degree. Or Kami-ane is the author of the "Fallen" series. The same fucking movie she is starring in! Blah. Will anyone care about what I major in....when I pick a major? The beach was nice. We had a cook out just the three of us. And a upscale magazine crew that Uncle Kenji said wouldn't stay the whole time. The chef was phenomenal! Then there was that other thing. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Uncle Kenji arrived at the crack of noon for rehearsal. Wardrobe and choreography came with him for my min-debut. Uncle Kenji says since I am coming on to the scene late, that we have we have to build up my look. I am only twenty. Damn. It was at this place that called itself a karaoke club, it's not. It was a place music companies used to filter out young talent. Uncle Kenji reminded me just how hard it was for him to get this spot for me. The song was cool enough. It was a remix of a popular American song that had a really nice flow. The dance wasn't that hard either. The crowd seemed to like it so I guess it was okay. Somehow the three of us managed to sneak off for souvenir shopping. But not before two hours in the chair....just in case.... I had everything shipped back so it beat me home, to Mugen. Kevin-senpai and Ely seemed to like their gifts.... The three of us sent Yuki a shit ton of gifts since he didn't have to come to the chaos. The ride back to Mugen was just as long. I don't think I actually woke up until I got back in the dorm. Of course my sisters wouldn't let me go back with my slacker look. People would be looking for me now, they said. So I had to wear a fancy ass suit on the plane ride back.

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wisepidgeon · 6 months

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up and down

i woke up yesterday sad but i was alright but today i woke up and suicidal and that sucks because i know that its gonna be ok but my brain doesnt think so the doubt says no its not gonna be ok you gotta just give up and honestly its tempting but i know im on the right path because even tho i dont see it my family all say that i am i think im just hurting alot

let me tell you about my ex we will call her red as that was the color of half her hair when we met

red and i met on the last day of school like after we had walked the stage and everything i saw her on the graduation practice and told myself if i saw her i would say something to her she was way out of my league i had thought at the time a beautiful girl who had a get scared shirt on and low and behold i got the chance when i had to go into the office to grab something she was there so i stood there and talked to her for a minute i told her that her shirt was really cool and i had used to listen to the and then i saw her mcr backpack and said i liked them too we exchanged names and this was new for me but i remembered her name for a few days afterward and in that time i had

something strange about her is that in the short conversation we had it triggered some painful memories like ptsd almost thats the best way i could describe it

a friend saying that someone on his Instagram was looking for me and that he didnt know her very well and i was like oh no is it that one crazy chick who i pissed off because i had done that recently but no it was red and so i looked red up on instagram it wasnt easy but i did it and i gave her a friend request and sent a selfie with a message somewhere along the line of i dont know if your the person i think you are but if you are you should remember my name "bird" not my name but yeah

she did but the selfie didnt go through so we decided to meet at a park i knew was around but had never been too we talked and hung out for a while we listened to music and she showed me leave me alone by I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME who i had never listened to before and i thought it was her way of telling me to fuck off because ive been broken up with in a similar way

after that we had talked for a while gotten to know each other better and she ended up taking my virginity and we got together a little while later then after about a week after that she cheated on my with her ex it was alot more complicated than that but its fair to put it that way i wanted her but was scared to lose her and she wasnt over him and in a way i had let it happen although she broke the rules an so her and i agree it was cheating and she kept at it telling me that the she wasnt willing to give him up for me i never forgave her for this but i was too scared to leave her behind and we had a consert to go to in a month or two in texas so i tried but i never did trust her after that

i wanted to oh gods i wanted to i gave her a lot of chances to gain my trust back but as i grew angrier and more depressed by the situation i became the problem and i started lying to her and being manipulative toward her honestly there was no love on my end at that point but the sex was nice and i was scared to be alone and im a selfish cunt so yeah

i ended making her stop talking with him on a technicality of a deal we had made that if there was anything i didnt know past present or future that had bee sexual with her ex from after the time of her and i getting together that she would have to block her and never talk to him again i was angry when i looked through her phone and found that she had sent him and i the same nudes and that was the first id ever been sent nudes before and it hurt well nude by someone i had known at least but i think thats why i never cared when she did it later in life anyway she had a panic attack about it but ended up giving him up and keeping me which i made very clear was her choice that night she could have me or she could have him it was up to her

later on i was mad at my mom and my family in general so i made up a story about me being kicked out of the house and asked her for help she helped me out gave me a place to stay in her moms car her apartment was full like 4 kids 5 adults in a two bedroom her brother had moved in and it was bad over all but i made the best of it

i was eventually made to move out and so i called my mom and worked on stuff with my mom because i had damaged that relationship but red was no longer allowed in my room because my mom said so i at this point didnt know what to do i started to love her again but i was still very much hurt over the entire situation with her ex a while back i still havent gottent over in properly in almost three years although i can say i dont think she has ever cheated on me

i got an apartment and moved in with her and that was really fun at first we lived there for 11 months the complex was doing renovations so they gave us the option when i told them i was gonna struggle with the last months rent i had been getting help from an charatable organization but we didnt really take care of the place and we didnt wanna work so it was hard we grew angery with each other and my lying about alot of my problems like porn addiction became a real problem one i still deal with but its been easier now i think

we had really high good times and really low bad ones and i was always scared of being hurt again i felt like she had never appologied enough for what she had done and i had never been ready to listen to her and so we just hurt each other over and over again

those 11 months ended and we went back to her moms place where there was now 1 adult living there 3 including us but it was no easier her mom is the kind of person who has alot of things she wants dont and feels like its owed to her that those things are done for her she is also someone who manipulates her daughter into feeling sorry for her and staying around i would know i dont really have room to speak on that one

i had a few jobs in and out of work but it was always short i never could find something i liked but i needed to pay her mom some money every month eventually tho the endless stress of being there got to both of us we i asked her if she thought being with me was worth it she said no which broke my heart because i loved her even if all we did was argue and fight i still loved her and wanted her i just couldnt deal with everything that was going on at that point so we broke up and i still hate myself for pushing her away like i did

i moved out a little while later we kept in touch i was angry but i still love her and wanted her back she told me she fucked someone else about a week after we had broken up and i thought that was funny she fucked someone else in one week after we had gotten together and one week after we had broken up seems like a pattern to me but what do i know

anyway her and i started talking and having sex again and i told her i wanted her back this was a few days ago and she said thats no chance and you should just give up and thats why i am currently sucidal i think because i have to give up on someone that i love i have to let them go and i have to move on and im not ready i dont want to and it hurts i wanted to learn to grow with her not with out her i wanted to marry this girl i still do really i still love her and im not ok and thats ok it has to be ok because if its not then im lost and dont think ill ever be found again im crying while writing this which sucks alot theres a part of me that never wants to feel this pain ever again but thats the part of me who got us here in the first place isnt it

if i could do it all over again i would still be a virgin and we would have stopped being friend after i asked her out and she said yes and when i asked her if the meant she would stop fucking her ex and she "said do i have to?" it would have ended there because honestly that should be the end point of any relationship

alright you fucking babys stop crying already thats my job xoxo stay safe live fast but die old and gray

#mental health #healing #self reflection #self hate #growth #tw: suicidal thoughts #im the bad guy #im hurtin

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