What now?

Time doesn’t make sense. The days are long and draining and yet I’m doing nothing.  It used to be filled with you. It took you forever to eat your meals (although I guess it’s because it was hard for you to do the work when your brain couldn’t get the messages through).  The house is quiet. You aren’t banging on your pots and pans in the play kitchen or throwing crayons off your table. Containers of play doh just sit there now. Not that you cared as much for the play doh as it was taking the lids on and off the containers. I went out with Miss Kelly, and Miss Amanda and Miss Cat yesterday then saw my friend Michelle. I cried to all of them.  Then I came home and felt lost again. There was still so much of the day left. I felt exhausted and sore all over my body. I took a nap. Napping isn’t right anymore either because I napped with you. If my hair was still in a pony, you’d reach your little hand under my neck and pull my hair towards you. So I made sure to put my hair down yesterday. I can’t even keep track of what day of the week it is. Nothing is comforting. I can’t figure out what to watch on TV. I could do some work but I can’t think up anything creative and it seems like too much mental effort. Reading is hard I’m too easily distracted by the silence. Since when does that make sense? I can’t even find a Twenty One Pilots song that helps. In some ways I guess that’s an okay thing because I would never wish this pain on anyone and to write something that would explain this you’d have to experience it. Which means I have to be the one to write it. And let me tell you Charlie, Mommy is not the writer Tyler Joseph is. I wish I could be. Music has often been a comfort to me. Now I’m pulling songs from Frozen because I don’t know where else to look.  You received a lot of Easter gifts - some stuffies and blankets and chocolates. Losing you on Easter Monday meant you never got to use them. You were like Mommy and were addicted to chocolate. We have so much chocolate now because you had to start every meal with a small piece. Weirdly enough though Mommy has lost interest in chocolate. I’ve had some but it doesn’t taste the same anymore.  I try to talk to you like you are here. I’d love to hear your voice though. You are supposed to be whole in Heaven now so in theory you may even be able to talk. You certainly understood what was being said to you. You did have some words at one point. If in Heaven those lesions are gone from your brain are you chatting up your grandmother? What does it sound like when you talk? I wish we knew Charlie. I wish we knew what you were going through so we could reduce the suffering a little bit. Everyone says it may be better that we didn’t. You experienced a lot - A Blue Jays game, Wonderland, Santa’s Village, Sauble Beach, Daycare - things we probably would have been too afraid to take you to if we knew. But I don’t forget your tired eyes and your sighs. I know now why and I wish I could have helped you through those moments. At least we think we know why. We are still awaiting the genetic testing to confirm it was Leigh’s. I don’t know how I’d feel if they came back still not sure of what it was. Today I’ve tried to do stuff. Daddy got me a new grief journal. Plus I had one I got another day. I tried to look at Disney Cruises. A little getaway. We had hoped to take you to Disney so I thought a cruise might be a nice alternative. I sent out more GoFundMe Thank you’s and but I couldn’t finish anything I set out to do. Somehow after trying all those things it was still only 2 something. That’s when we’d normally be napping. Riley then called home. She almost made it through the whole day. I don’t blame her I can’t get myself to do anything so why should I expect her to? Daddy described this as feeling almost like you’ve lost a limb. Mainly because you always were clinging to Daddy’s shoulder so he quite literally felt like he lost a limb. But I went on to agree because I was thinking something similar. When you lose a limb (modern technology aside) it doesn’t grow back. You can stitch up the area and it will heal up but the actual limb is gone forever. How you move forward in life is completely different. You have to learn to adapt without it. And most of your limbs are pretty important in your daily life. You don’t NEED them to be alive but they are important to your functioning.When they are gone you still can feel pains from where they were. You can still feel your brain try to use them and function as you did.  So we are still here. Trying to continue without an important piece of our family. Moving forward and learning to adapt but trying to accept that you won’t be coming back. We still feel the pain of losing you. We still anticipate seeing you in the hallway when we open the bathroom door, or pulling yourself up to stand by the couch when we are watching TV. I still think I hear your voice when you wake up from a nap then remember you aren't there.  I just don’t know what to do now.  

The scars that society say are too ugly to show That only look the way they do because they weren’t given the care and attention needed as healing Perhaps if those scars were treated with more kindness, they would look more like love than pain Repost from @marklemonofficial • Grief. #grief #griefquotes #bereavement #grief #griefandloss #griefawareness #griefjourney #griefrecovery #griefsupport #grieving #grievingprocess #healing #healingjourney #hope #suicideloss #grievingmother #grievingmom #scar https://www.instagram.com/p/CnQ90mEszB0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Check out my Facebook group because I'm in needing of a distraction and why not start my own photography business and blogging/journalist thing and I'm doing it for my son... Abel Charles mclean was the smallest but smartest babies I've ever fallen in love with he wrapped me around his little finger from the moment he was born.. in that moment I knew when I looked into his eyes that he had me so wrapped around his little finger and he knew it too.. sadly he passed away due too SIDS 2 weeks after I gave birth to him and the day I lost him was the day I died... giving life to such an amazing little boy and then having him be taken like that at only just 2 weeks old.. I'm doing this all for him, Abel changed my life and continues to keep changing it. So my please go check it out and help me navigate and distract myself from this pain.. and he would of been 3 months old today and am I allowed to feel guilty that I'm trying to distract myself? So Rest in Peace Abel Charles Mclean mummy and daddy both miss you and love you very much my sweet boy

Father Convicted Of Daughter's Murder | Mother Believes She's Still Alive

In this video reports the conviction of John Smith for the murder of his daughter, Emily, who went missing six months ago. Despite his denial, evidence led to his guilty verdict. Emily's mother, Sarah, clings to hope for her daughter's return. The community is divided between seeking justice and holding onto hope. Emily's story serves as a reminder to cherish loved ones. See More

#Investigative #MurderConviction #ParentalTragedy #FamilyDrama #LegalCase #JusticeSystem #GrievingMother #BeliefInMiracles #ParentalLove #InnocenceAssertion #HeartbreakingLoss #truecrime #murder #crime #father #daughter #missingperson #justice #tragedy #law #investigation #family #murdercase #criminaljustice #parenting

Daughter, imagine all the times you could’ve rebelled and didn’t. You let me be right until the end, when you shook my universe and knocked me sideways. All the pain you never gave me, saved up for a tragic finale.

I was supposed to leave here first.

I thank the gods for my remaining children. #grievingmother, #coping, #movingon, #gettingthroughit, #mourning https://www.instagram.com/p/CR4Hmtml-73/?utm_medium=tumblr

I've been seeing two blue butterflies everywhere, all week. My babies are visiting me. Today, I spent the whole day holding my grief, and smiling for my students. I wonder what theme I would have used to throw them a birthday party. I wonder how many teeth they would have. I wonder how many words they would know. Happy 2nd birthday in heaven to my twins. #twinangelbabies #twinpregnancyloss #pregnancylossawareness #grievingmother https://www.instagram.com/p/CT3klm_sM7a/?utm_medium=tumblr

It’s Wednesday already and I have finished one of my Wips early, I decided to use my ten stitch crochet blanket to good use by giving it to a beautiful stray cat ! I heard all about her through my lovely friend @satchelwoop, who together with her co-workers has unofficially adopted unwanted cat Annie! Hopefully This dear little kitty will accept this little gift from me and declare it purrfect for her cat naps! Happy snoozing Annie, love from your newest friend Fanni x❤️x #cat #catsofinstagram #catstagramcat #catmat #crochet #crochetersofinstagram #crochetersoftheworld #crochetgirlgang #yarnfriendsrock #hookoffmentalhealth #crochetismytherapy #harrogatehooker #harrogatehookers #harrogatemum #bereavedmother #grievingmother (at Harrogate, North Yorkshire) https://www.instagram.com/p/CMPt17ZHP6_/?igshid=tp0r0xd6sihk

My angel baby

June 6, 2020 

To my little angel,

I don't know how to start. It happened all so fast. I still can't believe it. We were both doing great. I just had my ultrasound last Friday and you were still happily kicking inside my tummy. You came out without any warning. We did not have much pain. You were still breathing and fighting while I was praying. I may have not hold you in my arms. I may not have heard you laugh and cry. I may not have played with you and taught you how to dance. But in a few months that I have carried you inside of me, we were happy. You made us very happy. You made me believe that I am capable of doing something great and made me look forward to the days ahead. 

Our sweet little angel. My baby girl. Our little warrior. Our baby Ysabella Maeve. I prayed for you that's why I never questioned God why He has taken you away from me, from us. Your Daddy and I will always carry you in our heart and soul. I may not had the chance to see you grow and raise you, but I am still your mother. You are my baby, and I am your Mommy. Thank you, sweetie. You made me believe in myself again. I am still in pain and I know these scars will never fade. But I know you will always be here, wiping my tears and pain away.

Love always and forever,Mommy

Cannot believe I am writing this ! 5 years without my Abbie girl on 5/18 & I’m broken beyond repair 💔💜😢 not just my heart , my soul and every ounce of my being , this is not the shoes I ordered but they are the ones I got , life had never returned to “normal “ it’s the “new normal” full of anxiety and gut wrenching pain this is such a cray week as if you follow me on social media you saw the ups and downs only to end on the biggest low I think humanly possible. I still cannot believe she’s gone I cannot believe I got that call that it all happened and THIS is the life I was handed everything changed in a second I want my life back from pre 5/18/15 , Abbie has missed so much and people don’t realize how incredibly difficult it is to see her friends and kids her age and think “why?” “Why Abbie?” She absolutely LOVED life , family , friends , the sunshine , soccer , the beach , and making others HAPPY and that is what she brought me was pure happiness. I miss you #abbiegirl #rememberabbiez #neverforgetabbiez #foreverheartbroken #grievingmother please share anything you do for @abbiezuko1 on social media and tag me please (wear purple , tie a purple ribbon, do an act of kindness, anything “ABBIE” help me get through this day it is what gets me through days like this and being with family ! Keep us in your prayers and Abbie please come to me in my dreams! #angelanniversary #wearpurpleforabbiez (at Emmaus, Pennsylvania) https://www.instagram.com/p/CAT6jlGHpZb/?igshid=78bxuw9b4q81

How To Deal with Grief Over Losing a Pregnancy

Although it is not widely known, about one in four confirmed pregnancies end in miscarriage. Pregnancy loss is a difficult but necessary topic to discuss. If you, or someone you know, experienced pregnancy loss, you know it is one of the hardest things that can happen. It is normal to feel shock, grief, depression, guilt, anger, and a sense of failure and vulnerability when you lose a pregnancy.

The days following your pregnancy loss are incredibly painful and sad. It does not matter whether this is the first, second, or tenth pregnancy. It is always difficult.

Many women who went through a recent pregnancy loss find it extremely difficult to communicate it to family and friends. Often it is a feeling of guilt, of failure, that paralyzes and increases the fear.

While I do not intend to tell you what to do, and every person is different, I have a few suggestions that have helped other women and family members:

Some mothers who lose their pregnancy are able to move through this loss freely, while others feel deep despair at this loss. There are no “shoulds” in this. There is no right way to feel. If you feel strong and grounded and ready to move forward after a miscarriage that is totally valid. If you feel deep loss and grief then that, too, is appropriate. No one can tell you how you should feel, except you.

What happened is not your fault! It can happen to anybody. Most likely it was not the food you ate, the medication you took, or whatever you did. Most pregnancy losses have no known cause and even the world’s top medical experts would not be able to tell you why it happened.

You need time to heal. Grieving is normal and you have the right to be sad. Even if it feels like your sadness will never heal, it will. Many women who lose their babies become suddenly afraid of losing everything else, be it their sanity, other relationships important to them, their faith in the world, or any hope for the future. Many, many women who go through this loss feel a deep need to grab onto other things in their life for fear of losing those, too. If this is happening to you, let those close to you know.

Some moms find it useful to keep a journal. Writing down your thoughts and feelings might be an effective outlet for your pain. You might also write letters, notes or poems to the baby or about the baby.

Take time off from work, even if you feel physically fine. Taking a break from your regular routine will help you emotionally.

I’ll put you on the map, I’ll cure you of disease.

Everything happens for a reason they say. Your death doesn't make sense but maybe there are some things surrounding your death that did happen for a reason.

The above picture is the last picture I took of you before you went to the hospital. It was one whole week before I had to take you in. This was Wednesday, March 22nd. This was a day that felt like it happened for a reason.

You met your brand new baby cousin Harlow. Then we rushed over to the dance studio to get Riley there in time for her Musical Theatre class and then Daddy was going to take you both home so I could stay for tap. But daddy had to take an important client call in the car with someone in another part of the world and that meeting ran WAY longer than he expected. So you and Riley hung out. You got to play with Paige (putting that hat on your head) you got to see Elise and Piper and you got in your snuggles with Miss Kelly.

Miss Jussara is the only person you’ve ever actually reached for when we’ve gone to the studio and like actually tried to get away from me when she came out of class. 

But Miss Kelly I knew you trusted. I could hand you to her and you would just instantly snuggle up with her no fight at all. Like she was family. You didn’t like most people but you had your ways of letting us know you were uncomfortable. With Miss Kelly you didn’t hide away in my shoulder as we approached her and you didn’t cling to me when I would pass you to her. You were comfortable with Miss Kelly. We also got to see her when we’d pick up Riley from school so you knew she was cool. Miss Cat was there, Miss Amanda was there, so many people - Miss Lucy was there telling me how Gabriella didn’t walk until she was about 21 months and look at her now she’s an incredible competitive dancer. Momma felt hope. We had time between Riley’s class and my class so we ran into Miss Jussara’s competitive ballet class and watched their ballet line rehearse their Alice in Wonderland ballet performance. You actually seemed really interested. You were in my lap so I couldn’t see your face but I could see you turn your head and watch where people were going and you seemed very relaxed.  

Daddy felt bad the meeting went as long as it did because Miss Kelly stayed late just to watch you so I could stay in class and Daddy could take his call. I told her she could have pulled me out of class but she didn’t want to. I wonder now if all of that was so you had a chance to be with people who you didn’t loved you since you were born. One last cuddle with Miss Kelly, one last class with Miss Jussara. One last (or in some cases first) hello to Riley’s friends.

Something that bothered me a lot was the day I brought you into the hospital. Everything happened so quickly. within a matter of minutes you were on a table with like 12 people in the room (specialists, doctors, nurses, “learners” in their respective fields) They were all pinning you down because somehow even with your limited amount of oxygen you were fighting like crazy. You did not want those IV’s you did not want that mask. They were blown away because they said for what your oxygen percentage was at they were surprised you were as conscious and responsive as you were. But that’s the thing right? you were fighting it for so long and we never knew. But I hate that the last time you saw my face you were fighting against so many people and all mommy was doing was holding your hand looking at you with fear.

When Mommy was out with Miss Amanda and friends.  Miss Amanda echoed some of Mommy’s feelings. Basically it was a difficult road to get you here, and we already lost a pregnancy before you why give us someone who would be destined to die before he was two? But also echoed the thought that we’d rather have two years with you than none at all.

But another thing she said took a bit longer to hit me but it’s been brewing over the weekend. How happy she was to hear we saw you open your eyes and move a bit the night the Bishop came. We were all hoping for a miracle and that this was the sign it was. But it was also the calm before the storm. Which something in my heart kept telling me. But when you opened your eyes again that evening and they put you in my arms so Daddy and I could talk to you and look you in the face we were so happy to see you after a week and a half of you unconscious. Miss Amanda said at least we got to do that before you went, she was happy the Bishop came to see you and we got to see your eyes one more time.

I had been mad actually that I got that much and nothing more. But over the weekend what Miss Amanda said sat with me. It wasn’t the miracle we wanted and I will never understand why you weren’t worth that miracle. People of different faiths across the city were praying for your recovery. You were anointed twice. The line “if love could have saved you, you would have never died” feels so true so I can’t understand.

But thinking about her words I realized we did get a miracle. The last time you saw my face Daddy was right next to me. And our faces were full of so much joy and gratitude and hope and love. Tearfully happy. and you were in my arms. You were safe and as comfortable as they could make you.  So I can sleep a little easier knowing that the last time you saw me was not standing helplessly while scary people poked and prodded at you but holding you in my arms talking and singing and smiling with Daddy right there. 

Mommy lied that I couldn’t find any twenty one pilots songs that help... sure maybe there isn’t a whole song but they just released their MTV Unplugged show so I sadly put it on and suddenly words started speaking to me again.

One that spoke to me was House of Gold. Tyler wrote the song for his mom. Things he would love to be able to give her. But where it hit me too was as I heard it come on I started singing it but the words coming out of my mouth turned into cries. When I caught my breath for a minute it was in time to hear him say the line. “I'll put you on the map, I’ll cure you of disease”. Our family has had a lot of fights with health or personal lives etc since you’ve been born. Mommy has some things I need to get tested that are likely not anything to worry about but could be something to worry about. So I’m anxious to get the test done to know that it isn’t something because our family can’t handle more grief. We’ve lost a few people over the last year, cancer has clutched on to someone in our family. And Msgr. reminding me that we have a direct line to God now in our family came back into my head with this song. Anyways it brought a lot of emotions because I wanted my son to be able to sing it with. I had learned it on ukulele and just loved the idea of a son loving his mother so much he’d do whatever he could to take care of his mom but then I began to wonder if I caught my breath and heard that line on purpose.

Today as I was sitting here writing this I was listening to my music and on came the intro commentary for House of Gold where Tyler shares that this is what he’d love to give his mom in life. The song didn’t play just the his intro. I felt like you were letting me know you were here for me.

Weirdly enough, I was at the doctors office yesterday. That’s a whole other story but one thing I said was that I was sure my blood pressure was up based on how I was feeling I was super puffy and feeling very much like I did when you were born. When you were born we were stuck in the hospital for 4 days because we couldn't get mommy’s blood pressure under control. 

Yesterday the doctor checked expecting it to be high from the stress of the last nearly month now and the anxiety I had going into the office in the first place.

It was low instead. Like really low. When you came into this world my heart swelled up with so much love my body couldn’t handle it. When you left this world my heart shattered and a part of me died.

House of Gold Twenty One Pilots

She asked me son when I grow old, Will you buy me a house of gold? And when your father turns to stone, will you take care of me? She asked me son when I grow old will you buy me a house of gold and when your father turns to stone, will you take care of me? I will make you queen of everything you see, I’ll put you on the map, I'll cure you of disease. Let’s say we up and left this town  and turned our future upside down We’ll make believe that you and me lived ever after happily

She asked me son when I grow old  Will you buy me a house of gold? And when your father turns to stone will you take care of me? I will make you queen of everything you see  I’ll put you on the map, I’ll cure you of disease. and since we know that dreams are dead and life turns plans up on their head  I will plan to be a bum, so I just might become someone She asked me son when I grow old will you buy me a house of a gold?  And when your father turns to stone  will you take care of me.... I will make you, Queen of everything you see... I’ll put you on the map....  I’ll cure you of disease

If I can’t live with you, then I have to live for you, and I will keep your memory alive in the most positive way I know how. Kindness creates a ripple effect, touching lives you don’t even know about. Kindness is good for the mental health of not only the one who receives the kindness, but the giver of kindness also benefits from positive mental health Lets spread kindness 🥰 Repost from @moreandbest10 • I will say your name and tell your story to all who will hear it. I will do good because of you. I will let the world know that you were here. Lives will change for the better because of you. I will not sit quietly. I will not let them forget. You were here. You were mine. Your life has purpose and you matter. My final act of love is keeping your memory alive. #grief #griefjourney #griefsupport #griefawareness #normalizegrief #childloss #infantloss #miscarriage #stillbirth #tfmr #neonatalloss #parentingafterloss #lifeafterloss #grievingmother #babyloss #babylosscommunity #lossmama #heylossmama #bereavedmother #bereavedparents (at Kindness Inspires Kindness) https://www.instagram.com/p/CpvUu4aM2r0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Check out my Facebook group because I'm in needing of a distraction and why not start my own photography business and blogging/journalist thing and I'm doing it for my son... Abel Charles mclean was the smallest but smartest babies I've ever fallen in love with he wrapped me around his little finger from the moment he was born.. in that moment I knew when I looked into his eyes that he had me so wrapped around his little finger and he knew it too.. sadly he passed away due too SIDS 2 weeks after I gave birth to him and the day I lost him was the day I died... giving life to such an amazing little boy and then having him be taken like that at only just 2 weeks old.. I'm doing this all for him, Abel changed my life and continues to keep changing it. So my please go check it out and help me navigate and distract myself from this pain.. and he would of been 3 months old today and am I allowed to feel guilty that I'm trying to distract myself?

If only women would pray for each other like this instead of tearing each other down. It's not a competition. What God has for you is YOURS! You are more powerful than you could ever truly know. I pray God's protection around you! May you tap into your purpose and the true woman of God you are. PrAy for your sister don't PrEy on your sister. #knowthedifference #P2P2019 💙 #felitaslove #paintopurpose #grief #griefisuniversal #griefisreal #griefempowerment #lifeafterdeath #grievingdaughter #grievingson #grievingchild #childloss #miscarriage #grievingmother #grievingfather #widow #widower #coloncancerawareness #coloncancersucks https://www.instagram.com/p/B0TcIa4lV08/?igshid=1tivd5dt4lx4x