I'm realizing now that what you really wanted was to be able to call yourself a good parent. Which is different than wanting to *be* one.

It didn't matter if I struggled, as long as you found a way to argue it was my own fault.

It didn't matter if I was hurting, as long as you could persuade yourself it was best to do nothing.

It didn't matter if I was in need, as long as you had everyone convinced that you gave plenty.

You were too busy crafting your own story to put any care into the way you crafted mine

My "step-monster" passed out again sprawled out on the kitchen table with her brown hair covering her face. Lit cigarette burning out in her hand. The smell of freshly made coffee burning in the gray dilapidated run down kitchen.

Parents are so crazy because they can say the most fucked up shit to you when your brain is forming and it sets the tone for your whole adult mind set and then they forget about it the next day.

Just read Seymour's lore on a wikia bc I didn't remember shit, and woah no wonder this man acts the way he does

Me: my childhood wasn't that bad, so why don't i want to be a child again?

Me at 12am whilst sleep deprived remembering my childhood: oh fuck, I was so fucked up

cw: domestic violence

.

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since i was a little kid, I've known two basic survival skills that always works out inside these walls. 1) don't ever wait to see what mother might do when she starts chasing you; 2) don't ever talk back to father. this is basically how i built some type of security system everytime they're about to fight me or fight each other. it is normal to me to think about these things happening and I'm quite alright with it as long as I have a safe place to hide and be quiet until they calm down. the thing is, I've never really thought about how not-natural that actually is. actually, I've always thought every household was exactly like that. in my point of view, every child knows exactly when to run from their parents based on the type of sigh they give; every child knows when it's going to be a degradation session or just normal spanking based on how their mothers chews her lips; every child knows they should get out of their father's way when they start laughing dryly and for longer than a spontaneous one would've lasted; every child knows which one of their parents would kill the other and which one would definitely get away with it –and which one would be arrested a week later.

all of this has always been so normal to me that i never once considered it was not alright nor normal.

[i don't even know what i wanted with this vent, i just needed to verbalize these thoughts i had this noon when father started arguing with mother because she asked for help to put the Christmas lights on]

Things I thought were normal until I, recently, realized they are not.

-your primary school (age 6-10) having to buy harnesses in order to stop students from strangling each other with ropes while playing pets

-going home with a headache each day of secondary school (age 10+) because someone smoked weed or other drugs in the classroom and you got high simply by being too close to them

-watching euphoria (not the Netflix series) with friends for fun (age 10/11)

-classmates (age 12) being send home during a school trip because they got drunk, climbed onto the roof of the hotel and smoked weed.

-your grade 7 (~12/13 years of age) group chat getting shut down because someone send CP, Sn*ff, b**stiality, pain Olympics and hardcore bdsm, -videos in it.

-a classmate (he: age 15, me: age 13) trying to SA me during math class because his GF (age 12) had a friend's with benefits relationship with our maths teacher (~25).

-discussing and writing smut, in groups, during a course for dyslexic children the same teacher had to organize

-classmates disappearing for a month or two because they were sent to a mental institution for SH and/or EDs

- getting offered hard drugs on your way from the school to the bus station (age 10-15)

honestly idk what the fuck happened during my childhood but I wouldn't trade that train wreck for anything else and probably forgot half of the weird stuff that happened

have you guys seen the mod of r/samandmax losing his shit over ppl drawing gay fanart and deciding to ban all sam and max shipping from the subreddit

I've had a lot of alone time to reflect, even when I've been actively avoiding doing so.

Do you know what the worst thing you can say to a child who is coping with severe trauma and grief by being overly responsible and emotionally detached? Three simple words; "you're so strong."

Decades later, I'm still pushing through the pain, proving how strong I am by never stopping, always doing. I keep moving forward because "I'm so strong," and as toxic as I know my thinking is, and as much as I would never impose my expectations for myself on anyone else, I'm still trying to unlearn that early lesson, spoken to a nine-year old by a well-meaning adult.

I can handle anything by never truly dealing with everything. It's not really strength, but I do think it might be a bad case of fucking denial.

who else mourning the person they could've been if they were treated kindly as a child

Okay. So. Weird thing that just hit me.

Growing up, I was told by the parental units "don't tell your goals/dreams/plans/aspirations to anyone or say them out loud because the devil/demons will hear them and tear them down but if you wait till the thing actually happens, then you're good to tell folks" and like. I can't be the only one to grow up with weird controlling shit like that right?

Sometimes when I view content about parental abuse/neglect, I accidentally fall into the mindset of trying to gather all the information so I can go tell my parents, "See? Here's where you messed up. You have to understand so you can do it right!" And then I have to be extra gentle with my inner child as I remind it - it's too late, they can't go back to the past and do it right. This is who I am now.

I eat sugar by pouring it into my breakfast cereal. Daddy eats sugar by sniffing it up his nose in lines of the living room table.

line from the production draft of ouroboros??? when the "wide-eyed hitchhiker" routine we just saw noah do was offer sex in exchange for a lift???

touya is halfway through his workday, grease up to his elbows, little jumpsuit half undone down to his waist, when iguchi comes in to tell him "someone's askin' for you out here".

he's not sure who it could be, but there's no telling, so he just decides to take a smoke break and wander out of the automotive garage, maybe imagining one of siblings out on the pavement.

but the minute he sees you, he stops. nearly drops his cigarette on a rough, "oh shit."

it's been a while since he's seen you, a year or two, and the packet of paper in your hand can only mean one, bullshit thing.

"nah, nah, nah, i ain't signing any papers," is how he greets you, shaking his head the minute you start up the path with a big, determined frown. touya doesn't run, but he sure twists on his heel and starts back up the path, too, as you start calling out his name.

practically all of his coworkers are watching when he comes back into view, not bothering to hide how nosy they're being. their audience makes you falter just a tad and touya clings onto it; anything to stop you.

"never a good sign when your wife comes to find you at work."

there's a long silence, from everyone. when he looks back at you—at your manilla folder and carefully stapled documents, your petition for divorce—your eyes are heavy and wet, almost the same way they were when the two of you stood in a courtroom, lying about your age in order to pledge until death do you part.

almost. now they're just sad.

from somewhere in the garage, toga calls out a bewildered, "you have a wife?" that makes him feel a way he can't understand, both amused and devastated all at once.

your wedding ring isn't on your finger, but if he stares long enough, he can maybe see the difference in color of your skin, a former tan-line that's begun to fade.

he sold his for stuff he shouldn't have been buying, stuff that ruined him and you and your marriage, a long time ago.

but touya only smiles, and calls back, "yeah, i do."

Let old wounds shape you