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snellyfish · 3 years

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@rubberygone I am so sorry I am just now seeing this ask, so to make up for it here’s a bunch of doodles I tried to get out just for you fhdkjfds. (also definitely not the perfect excuse to draw this AU again because I just watched the ‘24 film and hooo boy am I thinking about these heteros once again) THANK YOU SM FOR THE ASK AND THE INTEREST IT MEANS THE WORLD TO ME

For like all my Shinnaga stuff I tend to see his sister as The Big Bad Villain and I think when I watched Phantom of the Opera this absolutely solidified what type of villain I like to utilize her as the most--one whom Kiyo was genuinely in love with and wishes only to drag him away from Angie [dabs]. Not to say Yandere Miyadera but I am saying Yandere Miyadera

Super long embarrassing ramble about this AU under the cut :]

You asked about the roles so here we goooo. I know characters and roles differ from each movie and I haven’t read into the book enough to know what’s “canon” for everyone in the original story but here’s what I’m throwing out so far LOL. Mainly based off the 2004 Film.

Korekiyo: Christine Daaé Little self explanatory, I know there’s not much in the way of them being Similar other than the huge blinding light of “I am being used and abused by my significant other; whom everyone, including me at some point, assumed and fully accepted was a ghost haunting me and killing everyone around me so they can have me all to themself.” Kiyo is a lot more timid and paranoid in this AU as well, he’s quite fragile because I tend to think of Miyadera as his only support system and here it’s Especially Wack/Damaged in a Whole New Way, especially with his over looming fear that she’s going to murder Angie.

Miyadera: The Phantom / Erik Curse you, lyrics, if you didn’t write yourself the way you did I probably wouldn’t have realized how perfect this AU is. For what I headcanon Miyadera being it’s just Very Fitting, they’re both using Kiyo/Christine for their own gains while simultaneously falling madly unhealthily in love with them. I prefer the ending where The Phantom learns to let go and lives in the shadows once more, rather than the ending of him being heckign Murdered by the whole town, but for this AU I’m honestly not sure what I lean to more because I can’t see her just letting Kiyo go LOL.

Angie: Raoul AUAUAUAUAUAUUU HERE IT COMES HERE’S THE SHIP [POINTS LOUDLY] they’re SO in love. I’ll say what we’re all thinking--the only way to make Raoul an even better character is to make him a short, bubbly, manic, crossdressing woman of color, am I right or am I right-- For almost all my Shinnaga stuff, again, I think of Kiyo as initially being very standoffish and purposely trying to push Angie away out of fear of what Miyadera would do if they became a thing ((though he obviously wants them to become a thing ((angie help)))), and with Christine(Kiyo) being so upfront like “You mustn’t see me ever again” I like to imagine Angie’s reaction to that in this AU is like “Hmmmm, no thank you, Angie will come back tomorrow for kiss nyahaha :3″. Just the idea of her running around, riding on horses, digging through the sewers of a long forgotten medieval torture chamber; all with a wide-ass smile on her face because she’s like “SAVE BF SAVE BF SAVE BF” is very quaint.

Miu?: Carlotta Her personality in the ‘04 one is so Miu-core and she’s kind of a bonch either way so it works LOL. Miu just wants to be a star so bad 😔

Tsumugi: Madame Giry I mostly big-brained this idea because of witnessing her being like a weird mother figure as she rescued the orphaned Phantom, I like the idea of Tsumugi laying low and just watching the chaos unfold as she’s like “hehe,,,the only reason Miyadera is alive and wrecking everything is because I saved her life,,,this is just plain perfect!!” Yet still helping Angie find Kiyo+Miya’s whereabouts underground just to help progress the fun little story that she’s just so happy to be a part of.

Tenko? Himiko? no one??: Meg Giry Obviously not Tsumugi’s daughter but LOL- Honestly from what I’ve watched and have been reading up on the Wiki she’s really not much of a character, all I really recall is her being Christine’s closest/only friend in ‘04? So I liked the idea of throwing out another Chapter 3 character for the fun of it, but idk LMAO. Maybe Kiyo’s just even more of a loner and I’ll just throw the whole cast of v3 to be more Opera singers and dancers in the background WHO KNOWS. Kiyo MIGHT have friend rights.

Christine talks about her deceased father and because I headcanon Kiyo and Miya to be orphans, I thought it was only fitting that in this AU Korekiyo talks about his deceased parents AND deceased sister, who just so happens to be Very Much Alive and just so happens to NOT be her ghost haunting him for the past decade. Even more trauma-worthy if Kiyo swears he witnessed his sisters death 🤫🤫🤫 Thanks a lot for quietly and stealthily saving her and creating a monster, Tsumugi, props to you. what would go wrong?? Maybe that same “death” incident is the reason Miyadera wears a mask 😏 scar time!!

THANKS @ ANYONE FOR READING IF YOU DID FHDKJFSD I have many thoughts and am not strong enough to out myself about them all, I get so embarrassed talking about Shinnaga I love them too damn much

I promise I’ll draw more for this AU with art of like,,,actual quality and effort,,, ONE DAY. Also with like official designs for them because auuu I flip flop constantly with how I draw them in this AU LMAO. at least nearly everyone gets to crossdress that’s all that matters.

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wanyinchen · 4 years

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(I may have accidentally deleted the ask and the post whoops sorry, anon!) HOLY CRAP YES PLS OMG TALK TO ME MORE They literally are the best team ever? Like I am such a sucker for found family tropes you have no idea. The idea of these four people, so different from one another and are, in varying degrees, considered as outsiders found a bond with each other so strong and I- AHHHH I CAN’T NOT LOVE THEM. I’ve always imagined them to be all orphans and then finally, they found these people who could and would always be their home, and where they could feel safe, loved and cared for, a family. I-I’m weak-*chokes back the tears* I have always had a hard time making friends in my younger years and I was a bit of a loner at childhood, and now as I am older and found friends who I could laugh with and keep secrets with, who I could be myself with and who I could always be with, I FELT THAT WITH TEAM GAI, OK? THEIR TEAMWORK AND CLOSENESS?? YEAH BABY! Sure I could relate on Nart or some other character but something clicked in me with Rock Lee and Gai. Like holy crap these are not the type of characters I usually love but there’s something about these two adorable bowl-cut, spandex wearing angels that compel me to them so much. Hardwork, effort, and dedication is something I very much value but not always “do”, they’ve become one of my inspirations to do better and be better and all around help me make good decisions with the question “would Lee and Gai be proud of me if I do this?” fuck I am such a loser but I just hecking love them so much. Rock Lee is the love of my life and I love him to bits, this kid is super precious and so sweet and so polite, like omg I want him, he literally is boyfriend material and I just super love him and whoever ended up with this sweetheart, I congratulate you, you have eyes more powerful than all the ‘-gans’ in the world and you have caught the greatest treasure. Neji is a complex character, a true genius but always considered to be inferior from the main Hyuuga family just because he was from the branch family, he was this happy kid and then was so jaded by his dad’s death, like I just want to hug him. He had such a compelling character arc and development, evolving from this bitter (and with reason!) and angry kid to this mature teen who empathizes and loves his team and cousin very much. He became somewhat more mellow, gentle, and approachable now that he found a true family with team gai. HE SHOULDN’T HAVE DIED, IT WAS A BS PLOT DESICION AND I WAS LIKE CRYING AND WHAT???? FOR WHAT?? IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE, HIASHI SHOULD’VE DIED INSTEAD FFS. And then there’s my queen Tenten, the one who aspired to be like Tsunade, the greatest medical nin and the strongest kunoichi, but along the way, with her DAD’S (Gai’s) help, she discovered that she just wanted to be a great and strong kunoichi at her own right and at her abilities(!!!). Despite her clear insecurities, hotheadedness, and not getting what she wanted at first, she still strived to be better, and perseveres to keep up with her team mates. And hello? Space time ninjutsu is super cool? Like summon a shit ton of weapons all at once out of mid air and heck?? How was this not exploited and utilized by Kishi?? Give me a solo Tenten sword fight with a powerful enemy?? She’s a weapon’s mistress FFS, how come Sasuke and Orochimaru gets sword fights when SHE, the thing she specialized on, didn’t get to have one?? Fuck what this is BS I swear AND HOLY ROCK LEE I need all of my kids to be legit taijutsu masters and is actually shown to be unparalleled at it compared to other nins and kids since its KING MAITO GAI himself teaching them taijutsu holy ass is that too much to ask for??? Wait, let me gush about Gai, he’s literally my favorite character. He’s the best dad, I want him to be my dad. I really love my father but I want Gai (and Dai) to be my dad, ya know what I mean?? He’s so supportive, loving, and he really just gives his all in caring for you. He’s forgiving and firm and crap I want a mentor like that. He’s such a excellent sensei and are one of the best adults in Naruto. He’s so unconventionally handsome and attractive?? He’s so confident?? He’s so amazing?? He’s so emotionally intelligent?? He defies the unjust expectations set by others and said “fuck you” to it?? And he’s super crazy strong? Like literally feared and famed, I bet enemy and rogue nin just tremble at the mention of his name, a peep about “The Noble Blue Beast of Konoha” would have enemies wetting their pants. He’s one of the elites and is one of the strongest in the Konoha? Heck the world?? He went from this below mediocre adorable runt to this feared and very powerful jonin?? And he did this without ninjutsu, hacks, and any kekei genkai?? Only through pure hardwork and dedication?? He developed the Strong Fist style?? Yeah break dem bones, my king!! I only stan legends. He is literally the light of my and Kakashi’s life. Whether you ship kakagai platonically or romantically, dude you better believe that Gai is one of the most precious people of Kakashi. Kakashi literally trusts no one more implicitly than Gai. Like this hella paranoid and self-sacrificing silver haired dog boi trusted Gai to watch his ex-anbu traumatized ass and be there for him at all times of trouble??? And Gai being there for Kakashi so unfailingly for all of their lives??? For all the dark times in their lives, they'll always have each other no questions?? They're each other's constant?? They love each other so much?? No one knows them like the other??? Uhh hello?? Like why do some writers write Gai as this weird ass buffoon idiot who goddamn annoys Kakashi 24/7? And then Kakashi doesn't even like him and pushes him away, super annoyed?? What. Are we talking about the same characters?? They are each other's best friend. Goddamned soulmates. Eternal rivals. They all have such untapped potential that I am breathing hard in frustration. I still stand by my claim that we should’ve had Team Gai as protagonists like fuck. This is the hill I will die on, I want them, I want to see their bond, I want their stories, I want to witness their development?? Like why nerf these beautiful characters I hate it here WHOOPS, HAHAHAHAA! That was rather ineloquent and vulgar, uuhh forgive me! I hope I could talk to you again, anon! Thank you for enabling me and helping me warm up my brain in answering my summative essays, I feel like writing again! And pls send asks, i wanna make new friends

#kakagai #team guy #might guy #rock lee #tenten #neji hyuga #kakashi hatake #i could talk about them for days #sorry again anon! HEHEHEHE #i said what i said #hahahaha #asks

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oasisspringstownie · 3 years

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FAME: A Legacy Challenge

Sul sul simmers!

Like many of you, one of my favorite things to do in The Sims is play Legacy Challenges. They lead you to explore new aspects of gameplay, give you new imaginative ideas, and facilitate storytelling. So, a couple of nights ago I got the idea to create a new kind of legacy challenge revolving around different aspects of fame.

The goal isn’t exactly to become the most famous using said career/ skill, but to play around with different elements of the fame system in the game. You by no means need all the packs to play through this legacy. While the experience would be more complete and you will be missing careers and skills and stuff you can obviously adapt it to your need. Also, you are more than welcomed to use mods to enrich your gameplay. I myself can’t play without mods and look forward to see what kind of chaos mods can add to this challenge.

So without further a do below are the 10 generations I concocted like a fever dream at 2 am on a Saturday evening:

Gen 1: A Shaky Foundation

Traits: Cheerful, Ambitious, Self-Absorbed

Career: Acting, Style Influencer (Trendsetter Branch)

You move to a new city full of hopes and dreams. You initially pursue your dream of becoming an actor. However, your career is cut short by the unexpected arrival of your first child. You retreat from the spotlight in order to raise your baby and put all of your energy into making sure they have the best future possible. The rest of the time you spend either working or trying to unwind from your demanding life. What will fate bring you and your descendants?

Goals:

Move into an empty lot with 1600 simoleons for the bare minimum.

Start in the Acting Career, but abandon it for the Style Influencer career once your first child is born. Remain in the Style Influencer Career and eventually choose the Trendsetter Branch.

Max out the Style Influencer Career.

Reach level 10 of the Parenting and Wellness Skills.

Be close friends with all of your children and make sure they each age up with at least 2 positive character attributes.

Gen 2: Get Your Head in the Game

Traits: Active, Music Lover, Outgoing

Career: Athlete, Entertainment (Musician Branch)

Your parent might have seemed very overbearing at the time, but they instilled a work ethic in you like no other. Your entire life you were split between your two passions: basketball and singing. Okay, fine, you're Troy Bolton. After succeeding in the sports world you still find yourself feeling somewhat unfulfilled. You enter the entertainment career later on in life to live out your dreams. Will this be the start of something new?

Goals:

Max out the Athlete Career and then switch to the Entertainment Career (Musician Branch).

Max out the Fitness and Singing Skills.

Be in the drama club in high school.

Gen 3: Going for the Stars

Traits: Clumsy, Loner, Genius

Career: Astronaut

Your parent always told you to shoot for the stars, you just took it a bit too seriously. This world was always a bit too pedestrian for you and you yearn to finally lay your eyes on the astronomical craters of Sixam. There's just one problem: you're terrible at it. It's not your fault, you're just a bit clumsy; but will your two left feet keep you from reaching your dreams?

Goals:

Work in the Astronaut Career your entire life. Get demoted and fired at least once in your lifetime.

Destroy and repair a rocket 3 times.

Live in a tiny home for your young adulthood and adulthood.

Have at least one set of twins. *You can cheat for this!*

Gen 4: The Finer Things in Life

Traits: Materialistic, Hates Children, Lazy

Career: None

You've seen all the generations before you work their little pixelated butts off for every simoleon, but you're not about that life. You were destined for the finer things in life.

Goals

Reach level 10 of the Charisma and Mixology Skills.

Marry and survive 5 spouses. Take that wording however you want. Divorce is not allowed. You must be the last once standing. After all, spouses are like infinity stones. Meaningless.

Never have a job. Only make money from spouses, family, or children. If you get desperate enough you can ask a friend for a loan or steal, but no working of any kind.

Each child you decide to have with one of your rich spouses comes with a 20k trust fund. If they get taken away or die before coming of age, all the money has to be returned to the evil capitalist overlords. You can't get rid of them that easily.

Own at least 1 restaurant/ retail/ business with one of your spouses. Decorate it, assign the uniform, and hire everyone, but you never run it. Why would you go through the trouble?

Gen 5: My Precious

Traits: Art Lover, Kleptomaniac, Self-Assured

Career: Criminal

Your childhood was pretty hectic and you felt like you barely knew your parents. Who needs them? You've never needed anyone else anyway. On your 18th birthday, you receive your inheritance and use it to buy yourself an unfurnished apartment in the nicest building you can find and that's when your money runs out... literally. However, will a new job as a tough guy be the first of many great ideas or will it only be the beginning of the end for this famed family?

Goals

Once you become a young adult give yourself enough money to buy one of the apartments in the Uptown Neighborhood in San Myshuno. It must be unfurnished. After moving in set your money to 0 simoleons.

Complete the Criminal Career.

Reach level 10 of the Mischief and Dancing Skills.

Gain an atrocious reputation and spend the rest of your life trying to cover it up.

Steal 10 paintings from a museum and exhibit them proudly in your home. You are never allowed to sell them. As an adult, hide them in a secret attic nobody else has access to or knows about. They are your precious.

Gen 6: The Muses

Traits: Creative, Family Oriented, Insider

Career: Painter

You could have anything you wanted in the world thanks to your family's empire so you pursued your passion: painting. While you were never close to your other family members you were always very close to your art teacher. This led you to have very close ties to your friends, co-workers, and eventual children. Will your legacy remain for longer in the memory of strangers or your loved ones?

Goals

Complete the Painter Career

Reach level 10 of the Painting, Cooking and Baking Skills

Have a better relationship with your art teacher than anyone else in your family until you're a teen.

Move to a new world once you become a young adult and cut ties with your family.

Be the leader of one club for all your young adulthood and adulthood.

Be close friends with 3 co-workers and all of your children.

Prepare a meal at least once a week with the help of your children. *I know we don't have this in the game yet technically, but I'm hoping to have Cottage Living by the time I play with this generation*

Hang 5 paintings in a museum.

Retire from Painting Career to help care for your grandchildren.

Gen 7: Mole

Traits: Good, Perfectionist, Paranoid

Career: None

You always had a good relationship with your parents. You told each other everything... well, almost everything. You never understood why but one of your parents never talked about the rest of your family members. They explained that they simply never had a good relationship and would rather not talk about it. You respect this until their death when you return to their seemingly abandoned childhood home. While exploring the house you find a not-so-subtle bookcase door and a long forgotten attic filled with paintings. You take them in hopes of returning them but unbeknownst to you, you are being watched.

After an unfortunately unavailable nail-biting car chase, you shake off your attackers. You can't just lead them home to the rest of your family and what would the police do? They don't even arrest Vlad when he's trying to bite all of your sims!

Sorry, different rant.

So you do the only logical thing: you sell the paintings you just stole for some cash to buy an empty lot and skip town. A new life awaits you... just a bit underground.

Goals

Reach level 10 of the Writing, Logic, and Handiness Skills.

Complete the Best Selling Author Aspiration.

After your parent dies, you visit Gen 5's main home and retrieve the paintings hidden in the attic generations ago. Sell them and use the money to buy an empty lot in a completely different world.

Use your remaining money to build a small underground bunker. You can now never leave your bunker or risk immediate death.

You make your income by writing books under your new name. Oh, didn't I mention that? You changed your name to avoid detection. Your children may carry this new fake last name or your partner's.

Gen 8: Part of Your World

Traits: Loves Outdoors, Outgoing, Geek

Career: Social Media

All you knew was the bunker and it's not that you hated it, you just wanted a bit more. You're basically the little mermaid, except you don't get to be a mermaid. You just get a bunker you can never leave and a desperate yearning to explore the outside world.

Your outlet is the internet. From a young age you loved using it to play video games and make friends. As a teen you began to make videos and fostered a community online. Will you finally take your place in the world or remain hidden underground?

Goals

Reach level 10 of the Media Production and Video Gaming Skills

Complete the Social Media Career.

You're never allowed to leave the underground bunker until you're a teen.

You aren't allowed to go to school. Instead you play video games and use your computer for outside interaction.

As a teen you start developing your online presence by posting on social media and making videos on the video station.

You are only allowed to move out of the household once your parent dies and you have enough money in reserves to buy a furnished home.

Gen 9: Natural Born Performer

Traits: Gloomy, Unflirty, Adventurous

Career: Entertainment (Comedy Branch)

Due to your parent's fame, it was always expected you would follow in their footsteps. While a bit more gloomy than most, you are happiest when you make others laugh. So you join the Entertainer Career where you flourish as a comedian. You're also a bit unlucky in love. Will the family name's fame and your own notoriety keep you from finding true love or are you destined to a lifetime of gold diggers and one night stands?

Goals

Complete the Entertainer Career (Comedy Branch).

Reach level 10 of the Comedy and Rock Climbing skills.

Complete Serial Romantic Aspiration

Have four children.

Die suddenly and *mysteriously* in your adulthood.

Gen 10: A Grand Finale

Traits: Kleptomaniac, Ambitious, Perfectionist

Career: Actor

After losing your parents at a very young age, you and your siblings were sent to live with some distant relatives you didn't even know about. While you and your siblings are all very different and you bicker plenty, you always stick together.

After learning you are a descendant of some of the most famous and infamous sims in history, you are determined to meet and surpass their achievements. Will you come out on top or have you flown too close to the sun?

Goals

Complete the Actor Career

Achieve level 10 of 10 skills of your choosing.

Become a Global Superstar.

Get a star on Starlight Boulevard.

Throughout your lifetime you must go on vacation to every house you lived in throughout all previous 9 generations. Oh, and your three other siblings need to come along too. Think of it as Narnia meets It. Also make sure to steal something from each of the houses as a souvenir and display it proudly in your own home.

After you've completed all the things above, get turned into a vampire and choose to end your mortal legacy here... or start a whole new type all together.

Thank you so much for indulging me in this insanity. While I haven't played through any of these generations myself as of yet, I look forward to see the chaos and cuteness possible in The Sims.

Happy simming!

#simblr #ts4 gameplay #ts4 lets play #sims challenge #fame legacy challenge #ts4 simblr #ts4 legacy #ts4 legacy challenge #sims legacy #the sims legacy #ts4

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ydolanssss · 3 years

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A hood love story: G.D

Warnings: violence, sexual innuendos, a lot of cursing.

Pairing: Grayson Dolan X female reader.

Summary: bottom line is... remember where tf you came from.

-------------------------------------------------

Friday night lights.....most basic ass idea for a football game.

Just a whole shit-ton of rich ass white kids, acting like they hard when in actuality they have no awareness of anything outside of thier little gated community.

They weren't aware of the situation Grayson was in.

They either villainize him and where he's from, Or they romanticize where he's from. Either way they never talk to him.

They talk to ethan though, because unlike his brother he decided to just forget who he was and where he came from...that including his brother.

But you didn't think like them, you didn't treat people differently because of where they come from, or where they live. So you became friends with gray, best friends, and y'all were together all the time.

"hey gray you tryna go to the game today? You asked leaning on the locker next to his.

"there's a game?"

"yea against the cougars, you wanna go?"

"....mmm" gray never really went to any school event because well...he was kind of a loner, you didn't blame him tho.

"pleeeeeaaaseee, gray can we?" You asked with pleading eyes, and a quivering pouty lip.

"...fine"

"YESSIRRR, let's goo" you shouted, and skipped to class.

You went through the next couple of classes pretty quickly, went home, did some homework and waited for Grayson to come over.

"when you coming over hoe"

"I'm already outside, come on"

You run outside lock the door, hop in the car and head back to the school. The game had already started, but no one had scored yet. You and gray sit on the bleachers, and eat some popcorn.

"who you think finna win?" Gray said shoving food in his mouth. "I don't know, but prolly not our school, they haven't won a game in like...ever."

"true true" gray nodding in agreement untill his phone starts ringing. "Ayo hold up I gotta take this."

"hmm oh okay, I'll stay here" reassuring him. He walks to the back of the bleachers, "yo, wassup?"

*Anonymous* "Ayo when I see you, you getting lit tf up".

"Whoa, what? Who is this?" Gray asked confused as too who was tryna kill him.

"you know who this is lil bruh, it's daymen, oscars brother. You stole some shit from him the other day, and gave it to ya lil rich ass friends."

"what? Rich ass friends? Ion got no rich ass friends."

"okay okay, so you gon lie to me now huh?, Alright look, bring my lil brother his money or you getting lit tf up, and I take ya lil bitch for myself. You know the fine one, wit the braids."

"Don't you fuckin touch her."

Meanwhile you on the bleachers

"bitch what the fuck are you talking about?" Looking at claire and her lil posse.

"you know what I'm talking about, how long you been fucking my boyfriend."

"claire....who's your boyfriend?" You ask genuinely curious, because you do not keep tabs on miss bam-ba-lam-my-cars-a-hundred-grand.

"Grayson is duh." Because apperently that was common knowledge.

"g-grayson, Grayson Dolan the brother of Ethan Dolan, correct, just to make sure, Grayson with a "a" and a "o" not a I or a E. That Grayson?" Ya know...just to be clear.

"yes that Grayson, god are you dense?!"

"Oh no ma'am very much I am not, because the only grayson i know, don't fuck with bitches like you. Oh hell no, cuz yall don't fuck with people like him. And out of the mother fucking blue, he's your man, sweet-pea, i-is that what you telling me?" Because miss ma'am got you fucked alllll the way up.

"oh really how are you gonna tell me who I'm dating, I had sex with and who stole weed for me?" You pause....

"bruh what? Ugh now I know you tripping because Grayson don't fucking smo-"

"Aye, come on! Games boring anyway." Grayson yells from the bottom of the bleachers.

"alrighty well, miss. Thing I don't know what to tell you. Gods speed finding your Grayson because mine don't smoke." You picked up your things and walked with gray back to the car.

"hey what was the call about?" You asked

"huh? Oh it's was just my mom asking how long we were gonna stay at the game, I told her for the next hour so we could go do something else." He said.

You notice he kept looking around a lot, like he's was paranoid, waiting for something to happen.

"gray you good? You keep looking around, what's wrong?" You out ur hand on his shoulder concerned.

"huh?! Ohh nothing nothing let's go, come on"

He drags you to the car, and open the door for you, and he gets in the driver's side and drives off.

"ok I guess, um whatcha wanna do, wanna go to the park, or that on abandoned house that has a perfect view of the sunset, or ice cream, or ice cream and sunset. You looked at him, lip pouting head turn to the side, waiting for answer.

"uhh...ice cream only I wanna get you home okay?" He sighs, hands gripping the wheel tight as hell.

"umm what no I don't wan-"

"No! I have to get you home. I just, I just do, okay? Please I'm sorry for yelling come here." As you two pull in to the ice cream parlor's parking lot.

You lean in and he kisses you on your forehead, " I just need to be safe okay, it's late I don't want you out at night okay?"

"what? What do you mean I'm with you?"

He walks to your side of the car to open the door, "I know but....you cant be around me now at night at least it's not safe." After you get out he walks to the counter and tells you the get a table, you stand puzzled for a bit but you go anyway.

when he gets back with two oreo milkshakes, you ask him, "gray wait why isn't it safe? Why can't I be around you? What going on?." You ask frantic, worried your friend is in some sort of trouble.

"just because you can't don't- who is that?"

He asks leaned down a little.

"who is who? You turn around, and see a car speeding towards you both." Gray grabs your arm and pulls you down.

"GET DOWN! GO RUN BACK TO THE CAR!"

You do, you get to the car get inside and lean down, then you hear gun shots fire.

*bow bow bow bow*

The car skids off and everything is quiet, you look up and you see Grayson laid out on the ground. "oh my god...".

You get out hesitantly walking towards his body, "g-gray...baby, please oh God please no, god don't tell me he's gone" tears streaming down your face, you can't bare to walk any closer, and you drop to your knees and sob.

"no..please not my best friend." As the smoke clears you say this, the sun is setting in the background, it's a somber feeling somehow you feel safe and sad at the same time, while in that same moment your best friend, very much could be breathing his last breaths.

Then, like the miracle baby he is, Grayson wakes up, with a hell of pain in his shoulder. "Wha-? Ohh fuck my shoulder, holy shit, wait where's? Hey, hey, pretty girl why you crying?" He asks litterally sitting up looking at you holding his shoulder.

You stop crying, eyes shoot open. "Wha- GRAY!!" you run over and hug him, crying.

"i-i thought you were dead, *sniff* you were-*sniff* laying there not moving." Say sobbing into his shoulder.

He holds you with his good arm, "shh shh, it's ok, I'm not dead baby, I'm right here, I'm bleeding out of my shoulder and I should probably go to the hospital, but im not dead." His head sitting on top of yours

"oh shit, yea okay let's go." You help him to the car and start driving, you drop him off at the hospital and tell him you're gonna go take care of something.

You get back in your car and drive to a harbor, you then park and start disassembling his gun.

"god...I don't even know why he has this thing, granted he did get shot at but for fucks sake." You mumbled to yourself.

You speed back to the hospital,the doctors tell you he already out of surgery and he's doing fine, and they tell you his room number.

You walk back to his room. "Hey...Grayson baby, you okay?" You whisper not wanting to scare him.

"hmm? Oh yea hey come in." He's sitting up in bed both of his arms in slings. "Can you do me a favors and grab my juice box?"

You look on his tray and there's a little apple juice, juice box on it. "Oh yea sure sweetie." You poke the straw through the hole and hold it up to his mouth.

"Thank you."

"your welcome lovie." The doctor came in. "Ah, I see your already on it, that's good, very sweet of you." You look at him confused.

"um care to explain sir, or am I slow."

He chuckles, "my apologies, um since your friend, I'm assuming has two bad shoulder that have made him unable to move his arms at all he will need around the clock assistance."

You set down the juice box that he basically breathed in. "What do you mean both shoulders I thought he only got shot in one?"

"oh he did but his other shoulder is slightly sprained it's should heal up in a around 2 and a half weeks, while the other shoulder should take at most 4, but normally three. So due to his situation, his arm mobility is hindered untill a later date." He says with his arms crossed over his clip board.

You sit next to gray and look at him, "well I'm down, it's not like we don't spend every single second with each anyway." Gray laughs, "yea I guess thats true."

The doctors clear him and you help him get dressed but since it was late you threw a hoodie on him since there was no use for the sleeves.

You both get in the car and drive to your house, "come on gray we gotta get you to sleep." You tap and rub his tummy to wake him.

You get him up and walk up stairs to your bathroom. "Ok lemme brush your teeth." You sit on the sink and brush for him.

"okay that's done. Um alright it's 2 am ur tired I'm tired we can do the rest tomorrow okay?" You ask Grayson who's barley keeping his eyes open. "Okayyy." He says yawning.

"all right let's go to bed." You walk him over to the side of the bed and help him sit down.

" all right be careful and don't drop all the way down be careful not to lose your- oh fuck!"

You both lost your balance and fell on the bed, your on top of him millimeters away from his face. You never really looked at Grayson that way, never really looked at his eyes, dark as the ocean pulling you deeper and deeper to the point where you don't care if you drown.

Or his lips, they look so soft and smooth, if you were to kiss them it would feel like silk pillows. His lips..."oh fuck his lips."

Grayson catches your eyes staring at his lips and he sits up. "My lips baby, hmm that what you want?" You both sitting up on the bed. "Where? Your neck, cheek?" He drags his nose up the side of your neck to your ear.

"or that pretty little pussy?"

You gasp and get up off of him. "Um okay time to go to bed for real this time. Uh you good? you okay? Need any thing?"

"uh nah, nah I'm good. I guess...I'm laying flat then?" You turn to look at him.

"um yea I think that would be best."

You both start to relax and go to sleep.

"hey gray? I gotta ask you something, you know what's up with clair because she came up to me claiming I'm fucking her boyfriend, who's apperently you and also you stole some weed for her and that just dosent make sense to me."

He jerks his head to look at you "wait what!? When?"

"when you left to answer the phone she said your her boyfriend and she would know the person's she's been fucking and the guy who stole weed for her."

"so that's why- ughh fucking ethan."

"what? What about him? And what was that phone call about?"

He sighed "okay so I got a phone call from this guy named daemin, and I guess he thinks I stole weed from his little brother oscar, and I guess he's been watching me or something he said if I don't get his money he'll light my ass up and he'd go for my lil bitch himself, the one with the braids."

"oh shit so it was Ethan who stole the weed and prolly gave that guy your number, and prolly claimed he was you...now what the fuck wrong with claire?"

"Claire don't know that theres two of us and she don't talk to people he's friends with so he probably lied to her to."

Laying there in shock you think to yourself. "What kinda fucked up shit you got going on to lie about your whole identity and pretend to be your twin brother that you treat like shit?"

"ion know ask him."

You said it outloud.... again. "Oh shit my bad. But I will actually."

"what? No don't-"

"no gray this shit is crazy. YOU GOT SHOT! I'm not gonna let him get away with that shit gray! Now go to bed."

He sighs and closes his eyes.

——————————————————————

Next morning comes around. You wake up early to make grays' breakfast. A protein shake with some greek yogurt mixed with fruit.

You go back upstairs and he's awake.

"hey boo sorry to keep you waiting. I was making your breakfast. Need help?"

"yeth please."

"okay silly, sit up, legs out, and stand up on three okay? One, two, three...theeeere we go."

You walk over to the bathroom. Brush his teeth, wash his face and...help him pee.

"okay so how do you wanna do this gray?"

"umm you could hold it? If you wanna."

"seriously grayson. But that's like-"

"look your gonna have to bathe me at one point within these three weeks so like might as well get used to it."

"mm true, gosh okay."

You pull his pants down quickly trying to get this over with as soon as possible.

"okay so do I just like h-hold it or something? Or like do I just let it hang there?"

"no no you got to hold it bro otherwise I'll piss on myself then you have to change my pants and my underwear and wipe my legs down."

"ewww... Okay okay I guess this is better. Um sorry if my hands are cold."

"your all good."

"speaking of shower, let's just get that out the way because you haven't showered in a brick."

He sighs "alright"

You help him get his clothes off and turn on the shower.

"alright hop in big dic- oop- I mean big head." You giggle to yourself.

"ouu ok baby, oh and just for pure curiosity, which head?"

You slowly turn to him. "The one that made you think of that dumbass question, goofy get in, naughty ass."

"okay! Okay! Shit you the naughty one." Said with a smirk followed by a failed and painful attempt to slap your ass.

"ow! Ow! Fuck my shoulder!"

"and that's what ya get, hop in." You say giving him a pinch on the ass.

"what a nice butt, good for you!"

"thank you queen." He smiles

"your welcome king." And proceed to bathe him

-------------------------------------------------

A couple hours later you left Grayson at home with him and a tv and left out all the snacks on the counter at a reachable level, whole you went out and....handle some business.

On the phone: "hey, meet me at the bleachers okay I need to talk to you about something."

"uh yea sure I'll be there."

A couple hours later, your sitting on the bleachers with the cold New Jersey air, causing your nose to become ice cold.

"hey." You jumped.

"oh shit! Oh hey sorry you scared me."

"ha, yea um sorry about that, so what did you wanna talk about?"

Now to most that seems like a very obvious question, it'd go something like 'hey why the fuck did you lie about your identity and completely drop your twin fucking brother'. Right? No.

The problem is you and Ethan have history, which also adds to the reason why your a lot closer to gray than Ethan and was like the breaking point of Ethan and Grayson relationship.

Basically in freshman year of highschool you and Ethan....dated?? Well no you did date but...it was shorted lived because he decided to cheat...on you. Crazy right? I know. And you'll never guess who he cheated on you with.....Claire!!! Isn't that amazing, what a coincidence.

So the day you found out was kinda intense.....

"What is wrong with you!"

"Why would you do that to her!"

"As long as we've know her!"

"Huh Ethan! What's the matter with you! Who raised you! It wasn't ma! I most definitely wasn't dad!"

Grayson being the lovely, kind, understanding soul that he is decided to give Ethan a piece of his mind after consoling you in the living room.

"Jesus Grayson! It wasn't even that bad!"

With his hands on his hips, mouth ajar and eyes bugging out of his head.

"you've gotta be shitting me. You made out with the bitch ON SNAPCHAT! THEY GOT YOU IN 4K BRO! What do you mean it isn't that bad!"

"look why does it bother you so much? Like it's not your relationship. It's mine."

"Because your my brother and I love you and I love her to, I want her to be loved and appreciated the way she deserves, and I expected better from you, I never thought, my brother, a fucking scumbag of a man. Had the audacity to cheat on his girl. I guess I stand fucking corrected."

They sit in silence for a while. Your in the living room nervous because you've seen them fight of course but, never this heated.

"well if you love so damn much you be with her, I don't fucking want her if there's gonna be this much drama."

Time for you to get angry.

"First of all motherfucker you cheated! Don't you fucking switch this around on me."

Grayson stands in front of you, tear filling your eyes by the gallons.

"I fuckin loved you....so much, so hard...I did. And this what you fucking do...this the last time I love someone as much as I loved you."

And with that you stormed out. Grayson followed disgusted with his brother.

--------

"....so what did you wanna talk about."

You snap back into reality.

"umm well one your fucking brother was shot!"

He jumps back. "What?! Was he really? When by who?"

"a few days ago. most likely by a guy named oscar...who shot him because apparently, Grayson 'sober4L' Dolan™, stole weed from him. Now the only people in this damn highschool that smoke are those rich ass kids you hang out with, and gray got a phone call about this whole situation and claimed that if he didn't get his money or the weed back, he was gonna shoot up him and take his lil girlfriend, 'the one with the braids'."

He rocks back and forth anxiously, knowing he was caught.

"and of course the only girl he's around with braids is me."

"okay look i-"

"Aht aht wait, I'm not done."

"because at the same time grayson was on the phone I had and interaction with the lovely ms.claire. She claimed I was 'fucking her boyfriend' and I asked who and she said 'grayson the one who stole weed for me'."

He puts his head in his hands.

"so now I'm looking at her like she dumb because we both know Grayson dosent smoke, so a couple hours later I ask grayson about the situation and then he tells me about the phone call, so we put two and two together."

"so gray got a call from someone claiming he stole thier weed, claire your lovely girlfriend enlightened me on the fact that I was sleeping with her boyfriend, who stole weed for her. Knowing Grayson is neither dating her or smokes. So who on earth, could have Grayson's number, steal Grayson name and identity and create a whole new fucking life. Oh hmm let's start with the fuck-amato who made the fuck sure no one knew he was a twin and also dates the girl that my ex boyfriend cheated on me with...who just so happens to be the fucking twin. what do you have to say for yourself?"

There is a pause between you and him.

"umm....I'm sorry."

"y-your sorry....SORRY YA BROTHER GOT SHOT AND ITS ALL YOUR- you know what here what we're gonna do."

You pull out your phone and you had saved daemin's number.

"you are gonna call oscar and tell him the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, and tell him you'll get his lil cousin his money back okay?" Because if not I will..."

"okay, okay, call him."

You call and the phone starts ringing. He picks up.

"hello?"

"hey daemin I have the actual guy you wanted to shoot at and damn near kill"

"word? Who is it then?"

"his twin brother."

"ohhhh shit. Aw damn aye is gray good man I feel like shit he didn't deserve this."

"he's fine but his brother ethan, on the other hand is the guy you should've got, but look since I don't want both of them shot the fuck up he is gonna over there and hand you the money okay?"

"shit alright"

You end the phone call and he sends you the address.

"alright let's go."

-------------------------------------------------

You and Ethan pull up to daemin's house.

"look when we get in here don't say shit give him the fckn money and don't say shit."

"alright alright"

You walk towards the door and knock on it. It's opens and there stands a guy around Ethan's height.

"um hi are you daemin?"

"yea that me, you got my money?"

"oh yea we do, Ethan give it to him"

He pulls 85 dollars out of his pocket

"here you go man, um sorry for-"

The door slammed in our faces.

"umm I guess that it-"

"how's Graysons shoulder?"

"oh it's good it's getting better I gotta get back to him though, he can't do everything by himself."

"alright cool I just wanted to make sure, does he need anything like I got bandages and a first aid."

"oh no no its fine my mom's a nurse I got all the stuff I need thank you though."

"alright bye drive safe"

"okay thank you!"

You and Ethan get back to the car.

Ethan turns to you. "Um he's nicer than expected."

"yea...um okay, I'm gonna take you back home. "

"yup okay sounds cool. "

The drive to Ethan's was awkward and quiet. He still stayed at him and Graysons childhood home. You haven't been there in years.

"well here we are. God it still looks the same."

"yea hasn't changed since the last time you've been here."

You turn to look at him.

"alrighty well- mphm"

Ethan kisses you holding the side of your face.

"I miss you. I do. I'm so fucking sorry for hurting you. You didn't deserve that, I took you for granted. Please give me another chance."

Your in shock to say the least. Staring at him in disbelief.

"...no Ethan."

"what? What do you mean?!"

"I mean no, I'm not going to go back to you I don't feel that way about you. And honestly once a cheater always a cheater, I just can't give myself back to the same person that changed me emotionally, to where it's hard for me to love people as much as I used to. Like what you do if I cheated on you, would you come back to me? And be honest with yourself."

He moves his hand.

"...no"

"exactly...so don't expect me to be the same. Goodbye Ethan."

He gets out and goes inside and you drive back to your place.

-------------------------------------------------

You come back home Grayson in the living room, on the couch.

You sit next to him and talk to him about what happened, he was worried and frustrated at first with the fact that you went but understood it was your life at risk to. A couple of weeks pass, Graysons wound is fixed and you guys are let out for winter break.

Spending time with Grayson made you realize, what you deserved in a relationship, the love, appreciation, affection, loyalty. All of it, you deserved it.

And you got it, you and Graysons infatuation with one another, grew bigger and bigger over winter break. The Christmas vibes, sleeping in onesies and making cookies. Making love next to the fire place, trails of kisses going down both his and your body.

Afterwords..."hey Grayson? Can I ask you something."

"of course beautiful what is it?"

"how would you feel if we went back to school, ya know together?"

"when were we going separately?"

"nooo silly like together, a thing, an "item". We go back in a relationship. If that's something you want?"

"Are fucking joking! Of course I would baby. God, I've been waiting." And with that you finally found the love of your life, whom which in the future you had your two twin daughters with. Inez and Felicity.

You've never been so content.

#gray #grayson dolan #grayson and ethan #grayson #love story #ethan dolan #bw #dolan twins

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daisies--roses · 4 years

Text

JHS| Survive

Pairing: Hoseok X Kasia

Warnings: (mentions of) death, apocalypse, zombies, swearing

Word count: 2,9k

Plot: The world is infected with a virus which should kill the unecessary population. Many people die and Kasia is trying to surive this with the group of other survivors and find a cure. On her way she meets Hoseok, an immuny.

A/N: Hello, I wrote this a long time ago (again 2018) for my friend Kasias @lovely-bangtan7 birthday, I found it today again and I think I will write another part to this because it has kind of potential :3 so yeah stay tuned!!

'Dear Diary,

It's 5am on Tuesday 11. July 2555. I'm sitting on a tree and keeping myself occupied with you, my lovely diary. And watching out for the Zs, who spread the virus.

It's 3 years after the apocalypse started. Because of the damn Virus that was created by us the human race to kill the human race. Ironic right? Killing our own race because we think that just a little of our population deserves to live. Because they thought not everyone has a right to live.

The whole earth is infected and we can't get away from it. Some of us are immune but that just protects them. They can't help or cure other people. Although some really creepy people try to use them to keep themselves immune. We just heard stories of them drinking their blood to keep themselves alive. I shudder every time I think about this.

Right now I'm with a group of people who are survivers. Like me. We don't know if we are immune but we try our best to stay alive. Because after the death of my family I just have these people with me. We grew closer with every hurdle we took upon us. They are like my family.

Like always we are trying to find a safe heaven for us. We tried many places but the virus always found us. We lost many lives but gained a lot too. Doing this for three years we slowly got tired of running.

I really hope we can find a save heaven for us.

Till next time'

Kasia closed her diary and put it back in her bag. She was doing this every once in a while to keep her sane. She felt like her diary was some sort of replacement for a person she could tell all of her feelings without being questioned.

Slowly the sun started to come up and Kasia smiled like every single time. She survived another day and she would survive till she found her save heaven.

Through a rustling under her she sat straight up and took out her knife. She bent over the ast and looked straight into the eyes of her leader.

"Put your knife back it's just me Kasia. Come down we're leaving in 5 minutes. Get your things and help Rose with the child."

She nodded her head and landed swiftly next to him. "Where is she?"

"Next to the fireplace. Go get her and let's go. We need to move fast if we want to get there till night falls. They're waiting for us."

"What do think Mark? How long will it take us to get there?"

He shrugged and looked to their group. "If we walk in the right tempo, probably the whole day."

Kasia just nodded and went to find Rose. Rose was one of the closest people, she would call family. Rose was pregnant when the apocalypse began. Her husband died after the first two weeks of the apocalypse and Rose couldn't do anything.

Kasia found her 3 months after the baby was born. She looked so vulnerable to Kasia that she took it upon herself to protect her and the child. Although Rose never took Kasia seriously because of her softness. She couldn't hurt a fly.

She wasn't the best fighter or had the most experience but Kasia tried everything in her hand to protect them. She would give her life to protect that little girl and her mother.

Rose was just packing as Kasia got to her. "I'll help you Rosie."

The woman smiled and stood up. "Just take Marie with you. I'll do the rest."

Kasia smiled and walked to the little ball of sunshine. "Come here little one. "

Marie smiled and walked slowly to Kasia who scooped her in her arms. "You wanna go with aunt Kasia?" Kasia pinched her cheeks.

Marie giggled and nod her head. "Great, let's go then little one."

With Marie in her arms and the bag on her back Kasia walked to Rose. "Let's go Rosie. He isn't going to wait longer."

With a firm nod they started to go back to their group. Mark looked at Kasia and Rose. He smiled for a second before his face got serious. "Okay listen. We got a long way to go so we need to keep going. Follow me and stay alert."

The whole group nodded towards Mark. "Good, let's go."

After a three hours walk without any trouble or disturbance the group stopped to have a little break.

Kasia set Marie down and led her to Rose. "I'll go up." she sighed but nodded afterwards.

Everyone in their group had their own task. Some would cook, some would repair things and some like Kasia would watch out.

She would climb a tree and watch out for Zs or other threads. She had really good eyes and ears. Kasia always was the first one to see danger, that's why Mark would send her up.

Kasia watched over the group and smiled at every small cute interaction they had with Marie. The little girl got wrapped every single one of them around her little finger. They loved and protected her like their own child.

In the distance Kasia saw some movement. She didn't want to alert everyone so she just whistled for Mark. He came directly and Kasia bent over to him. "I saw movement Mark. I couldn't see what it was."

His face got dark and he went trough his hair. With a little groan he looked at the distance. "Just look out for anything suspicious and whistle 3 times if its a thread. And 2 times if it's a human."

"Will do." Kasia sat back and watched for anything different. She saw nothing unusual the next few minutes. But she wouldn't stop looking for something. She was sure that there was something lurking. She hoped it wouldn't be some Z.

After a little while she heard Mark whistle and Kasia got up. They would go on and wouldn't stop till the next three or four hours.

Right after Kasia grabbed her bag to fling it over her shoulder she saw movements again at the same place. But she couldn't decipher what it was so she jumped down. Walking straight to Marn. "I saw something again but i couldn't see what it was. I don't know if it's dangerous Mark."

Mark looked down to Kasia. "We'll have to see if it's dangerous then."

Kasias eyes widened "You're gonna risk it?"

He sighed. "Do we have another choice?"

Kasia looked down and Mark grabbed her shoulder. "Go to Marie Kasia. I'll handle it."

Kasia went back to Rose with a disappointed look. What if it was a big thread but she couldn't see it? What if everyone were in danger because of her? What if someone died just because she couldn't decipher the movement? She groaned at herself.

Rose who was watching Kasia hugged her with Marie in her arms. "Whatever you did see or didn't see we are gonna be okay. You understand?"

"I hope so Rose."

Rose gave Marie back to Kasia and they took off.

Mark was watching his surrounding carefully. He believed Kasia with his whole life and he would never question anything she did. She was too selfless sometimes but he could never imagine a different Kasia in his life.

Kasia too was watching everything carefully. She was disappointed in the fact that she couldn't help Mark but she knew he wouldn't let her handle anything that would be dangerous for her.

After walking for another hour Kasia had a bad feeling in her stomach. It was like someone was watching her. She turned arround but there were just some of their group.

Kasia sighed for a second. She was getting paranoid about everything. She should stop worrying because Mark would handle it. He was the leader he could do anything.

But the feeling wasn't going away. "Hey Rose, can you take Marie for a second. I need to look for something."

"Everything okay?"

"Yes, just a little feeling. Go ahead."

Rose nodded and took Marie from her. Kasia stayed back. She stayed till everyone went ahead of her. She waited and watched the trees and bushes. "Come on, I know someone is here." she murmured to herself. "Show yourself."

"What the fuck are you doing Kasia?" Kasia winced and held her breath. She looked up to Mark. "Why the fuck are you staying back? I thought we talked about that, staying with the group is priority."

"I know I'm sorry, but I got a feeling. Please Mark, I'll stay in the back. Let me watch out."

"Woman, why are you like this?" Mark groaned as always with Kasia. He knew she would stay even if he said no. He just nodded befor he got some migraine because of her and went back to the front.

Kasia smirked for a second but her face turned cold after she heard some rustling behind her. She took out her knife and turned to the sound. "Who are you?" nothing came back so she went near the bush "I'm asking nicely so tell me. Who are you?"

Kasia took one step closer and gripped the handle of the knife harder. "I'll count till three. If you don't come out I'll stab you."

She started to count "One." waiting a few seconds she spoke again "Two." the person played with her patience and she didn't like that. "Okay, you wanted that. Thr-"

The person came out in a second and grabbed Kasias arms. He turned her backwards and hold her still. "Shut up please. I won't hurt any of you. I'm just a loner."

"Let go of me." She tried to get out of his grip but he hold onto her stronger. "I'm sorry I can't. I need you to stay alive. I promise I won't hurt you."

"I'll scream."

He just shrugged "Scream, I won't stop you."

Kasia tried to look at him but his grip was too strong. "Who are you anyway? Why are you following us? And since when?"

He laughed and loosened his grip. "I'm Jung Hoseok. A immuny. I think I'm following you since your break."

Kasia laughed "I knew it. I so knew it. Why didn't you show yourself?"

"I didn't want to get killed. It would be 20 to 1 so, yes i didn't want to get killed."

"We wouldn't kill you. We would just try to talk and then if you don't cooperate we'll kill you."

"That's reassuring thanks." he said sarcastically and Kasia laughed at him.

"You know, you could let me go and we could talk to Mark? We'll help you."

Hoseok was still for a few seconds. He really thought about that and smiled. "I'll need your word for that. And I'll need you as reassurance. I won't talk with him without you."

Kasia nodded her head. "I promise, I'll even talk with him. I just need to see your tattoo."

Hoseok nodded and let one of her hands go. She turned arround and looke him in his eyes. He smiled at her "I don't even know your name."

"Sorry." Kasia laughed "I'm Kasia."

"Nice to meet you. I hope."

She laughed again and held his arm. "Come on, show me your tattoos."

Hoseok nodded his head and showed his wrists.

There it was, the symbols of the immunies. Kasia gasped and grazed her fingers above it. "It looks beautiful."

Hoseok watched Kasia carefully and nodded. "I'm happy that they got us some aesthetic one and not some crap."

Kasia laughed "How many of you were there?"

"I don't know. We were a group of 7 but I don't know how many groups they had."

She nodded and took his wirst in her hand. They went through the people who looked strangely at Kasia. Most of them gave Hoseok toxic eyes. Hoseok didn't see any of them cause his eyes were glued to the beauty in front of him.

When Hoseok saw her the first time he couldn't believe that someone like her existed in this cruel world. She was so beautiful and looked so innocent he couldn't take his eyes away. That's why he didn't respond the first time she asked who he was.

Her mesmerizing eyes captured his and he couldn't and wouldn't look away. He liked how she took a protective stance and how she didn't fear what was behind the bushes.

Kasia didn't know that Hoseok was watching her every step. But she wouldn't care either. She had a goal and she wouldn't think about anything else till she did it.

So that's what she did. She went next to Mark. Mark looked at her irritated as she nudged his side. Then he saw that unknown dude next to her and stopped. "Who the hell is that Kasia?"

Kasia grinned "He is Hoseok and Hoseok is a immuny."

"A immuny? You sure?"

Kasia looked annoyed at him. "You think I'm dumb? You think I would make a dangerous situation for our group?"

"No."

"So what is your problem?"

Maek looked to Hoseok "Show it."

Hoseok showed him his wrists and Mark nodded. "Are you alone?"

"Yes. I ran away."

"Okay, you can stay with us, but I don't want you to wander alone. You're gonna stay with Kasia."

Hoseok nodded eagerly and Kasia grinned. She knew that she was gonna like walking with him. "Come on Hoseok. I'll introduce you to Rose and Marie."

A few hours later Hoseok found himself laughing and playing with Marie and Kasia. Marie was so adorable he couldn't do anything but be an awe everytime he looked at her.

Kasia was so cutely playing with her that his smile never went away. She was cute and looked lovely with Marie.

The group stopped after a few steps. Hoseok looked uncertainly to Kasia and she just shrugged. "Mark probably saw something and wants us to stay still."

Hoseok held Marie tighter than before. He sensed some shit coming to them so he went in front of Kasia. Kasia smiled and laid her hand on his shoulder. "Don't be so tense. Mark knows what he is doing."

"Just gonna be sure, that nothing happens. Can you hold Marie?" Kasia nodded and took a step back. Hoseok was standing in front of the three and held his knife out.

Kasia smiled brightly at his back. Rose nudged her and grinned. "He is cute. And he likes you."

"Rose, no don't do that. Don't say that. We need to survive here and I'm not gonna get distracted." Kasia murmured so that Hoseok couldn't hear her.

"Shut up Kasia, I'm not saying jump his bones even if you should. He is a hottie. Just try to have an open mind and heart. Don't reject him."

Kasia just shrugged her away and went next to Hoseok. "You know, you don't need to protect us. We protected ourselfs for years now."

"I know that but I won't stay by if something happens."

"Thanks, you don't even know us but you would risk your safety."

"Than let me know you."

Kasia looked at him with widened eyes but Hoseok only grinned. "I'm serious, let me know you. I want to know you better."

Kasia was unsure of what to do when he looked at her like that. She gulped down hardly "Sure, why not. I mean it would be nice to know you better too."

Hoseok grin expanded to his eyes and he couldn't stop. "Just stay back, so I'll have a chance to do that."

Mark looked for any kind of danger but didn't see any threat. He felt that something was off but he couldn't find it. He was so sure that he saw some Zs but he didn't want to cause panic. "Kasia! Come over!"

Kasia heard Mark and she ran as fast as she could to him. "What's wrong?"

"I think upfront are a few Zs. Can you see the blood line on the trees?" Kasia looked through the trees and nodded. "Yeah, we should check it out."

"Take a few guys with you and check out the front I'll search for some safe places."

Nodding both if them partet their ways. Kasia went to Rose and told her what happened. "Stay save please Kasi, i can't lose you too."

She assured Rose with a smile she would come back. Afterwards she gave Marie a kiss on her head and looked at Hoseok.

"You gonna keep an eye on Rose and Marie, right?"

"I'm coming with you. I won't let you go alone. I'll keep you safe."

"No, i can keep myself safe. Stay with them."

"Not gonna happen. I'm coming with you princess."

Rose laughed after listening to their bickering. "Let's make a compromise guys. Hoseok is going with you Kasi, because I need you to be safe as much as you need me and Marie to be safe. You are in a smaller group so it's better with him and you can test his abilities. Marie and I'll be okay."

"But-" Kasia got interrupted by a Hand on her shoulder.

"Why are you standing here Kasia? I thought I told you to go? The Newone should go with you, he could be skilled so test it out. And don't worry about Marie and Rose, I'll look out for them."

Rose smiled at Marks words and took a step forward to his side. "Great, you hear the Leader. Go and kill some Zs Kasi."

Kasia nodded and smiled at her. "Come on than Hoseok, let's see if we can have some fun with our beloved Zs."

~ To be continued

#jung hoeseok #bts jhope #Bts #bts au #bts fanfiction #apocalyptic fiction #survive!au #bts imagines #jhope #zombies

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animebw · 4 years

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Binge-Watching: Welcome to the NHK, Episodes 1-3

And so we begin! In which we plunge headfirst into the ugliness of otaku culture, Sato leaves nothing to the imagination, and I see too much of myself in him for comfort.

Stuck in My Head

Let’s be brutally honest: anime fans can suck sometimes. And I don’t mean we can suck in the ironic, self-deprecating way we throw around the phrase “anime is trash and so am I” or any such related sentiment. I mean that as a collective, we can be really, truly miserable people in every sense of the word. Anime fandom, otaku fandom, however you classify it, is a bastion of loners and rejects who don’t feel comfortable in normal society, and it can be a wonderful haven for marginalized groups or just plain awkward people to find themselves and what matters to them. But just as society shuts out people for bullshit reasons, it also shuts out people for good reasons, and a good number of anime fans across the globe, especially hardcore otaku, only latched onto the fandom so hard because it’s the one place where they’re still “allowed” to be an asshole and get away with it. Myopic losers, self-centered jackasses, self-righteous pricks, lunatics, sexists, racists, homophobes, literal goddamn Nazis, you name it, otaku culture has it. And as much as I love this medium, it can get exhausting to be reminded over and over again how many of the people you’re sharing this space with think the world revolves around them and have no regard for anyone else.

Tatsuhiro Sato, the protagonist of Welcome to the NHK, is the most accurate depiction of that pathetic ugliness I’ve ever seen in anime. He’s a shut-in who retreated from society due to extreme social anxiety, and he’s lived his life almost completely indoors for three years. He wastes his days away watching anime and dreaming he could totally be a productive member of society if it wasn’t for everything holding him back. He imagines wild conspiracies to pin the blame of his sorry situation on anyone else, dreaming that everything going wrong in his life is the result of a secret plot to make him a shut-in and descending into wild hallucinations where his very room seems to talk to him (you can tell this is the same Studio Gonzo that made Gankutsuou; the animation and cinematography are insanely off-kilter at times). But when forced to step outside his head and actually communicate with other people, he quickly reveals himself to be a delusional loser, incapable of communicating with people and paranoid that everyone’s out to get him out of an internalized self-loathing about his current state. Deep down, he knows his wild fantasies are all bunk, that he’s just a scared twenty-something stuck in idleness and not willing to take the steps necessary to change himself. But even if he’s self-aware enough to recognize his mistakes, he’s not self-aware enough to actually try and change them. So all he can do is repeat the same vicious cycles over and over again, until he drives himself so deep into despair that he starts contemplating suicide. He’s every narcissistic, pathetic anime fan who thinks they’re Iwatani Naofumi when they’re really just Natsuki Subaru. And just like Re:Zero, Welcome to the NHK is all about forcing Sato to confront his failings as a human being until he has no choice but to change or die.

Despicable Me

The comparison to Re:Zero might seem a positive one. And in fact, I am pretty sure I like Welcome to the NHK; in fact, I think I really like it. But remember how early Subaru was kind of a massive cringelord who did and said embarrassing stuff because he was so wrapped up in his personal fantasy? Well, Sato is what you’d get if you took Subaru’s antics and ripped off every single filter that could dull the impact. He’s a trainwreck of a person, and the show doesn’t shy away from letting him be really and truly hard to put up with at times. Sure, the disconnect between his puffed-up persona and pathetic reality can still be funny. His failed attempts to communicate with Misaki in episode 1 (”You... like motorcycles too, right? But to tell you the truth, I’ve never even been on a motorcycle before! Okay, bye!”) had me simultaneously cackling and covering my face to hide from the secondhand embarrassment. And his attempt to go full Isolated Karate Master, only to stupidly break a glass bottle on his hand, was a perfect capstone to his wild conspiracy-theorist tangent about how NHK was secretly airing interesting anime for the purpose of turning Japan into a country of NEETS. But man, is this guy the embodiment of cringe. If this show was trying to capture the kind of awkward, unpleasant weirdo you’d instinctively look away from when he passed by, it succeeded with flying colors.

And then there’s the casual streak of misogyny that runs through his character. This is kind of the perfect encapsulation of what this show is doing: it knows exactly how garbage Sato’s attitudes towards women are, and it invites you to laugh in schadenfreude as they get him in trouble. In his mind, he turns Misaki into perfect masturbation material, a virginal nun or innocent schoolgirl who can be corrupted by lust that overwrites her protestations of purity. But the real Misaki is a very in-control girl who easily sees through Sato’s half-baked lies and casually takes charge of every conversation they’re in. The point is obvious; Misaki is a more interesting person than Sato’s fantasies give her credit for, and he only humiliates himself by letting his dick dictate his course of action. Ditto with how much time he wastes looking up porn on the internet instead of working on the project he’s supposed to be doing research for. In his mind, he’s Captain Ahab chasing down the Moby Dick of pornography on the stormy seas; in reality, he’s sitting on his ass for a week straight without eating or sleeping so he can jerk off. It’s an absolutely brutal character evisceration from start to finish. But at what point do I lose the ability to laugh at this loser getting his just desserts and start getting sick of seeing his face at all? Especially when things almost tip over from Sato just having shitty internal thoughts to Sato almost committing a goddamn crime that would actually hurt the women around him? If Misaki hadn’t shown up right when she did, I would’ve lost all ability to empathize with this guy by the end of the third episode. And it makes me nervous that Sato as a character is already treading on such thin ice with me. Am I still gonna find him mostly funny by the time these twenty four episodes are over? Or will I just be relieved I never have to spend another second with him?

Sympathy for the Devil

But if you were paying attention just now, you noticed a little detail I slipped in to those thoughts: empathy. Because despite what a gross, moronic, unpleasant person Sato is... part of me knows what it’s like to be him. Not nearly to the same extent, obviously; I’ve only gotten better at taking care of my life as time’s gone on, to the point where social awkwardness and myopia is nowhere near as big a problem for me as it used to be. But almost everything ugly about Sato is merely an exaggeration of something that is or was ugly about myself. I, too, have a bad habit of not doing important shit despite knowing I really should because of laziness. I, too, sometimes make excuses in my head to justify taking the easy way and doing what I was already doing instead of making the effort to shift gears. I have had conversations in the past that honestly aren’t too much worse than Sato’s pathetic attempts at communication. I don’t get outside nearly enough, especially in these days where staying indoors is kind of a necessity. Even his masturbation fantasies are familiar to me; without getting into too much detail, the way he uses the idea of Misaki to find sexual gratification because she’s enough of a mystery for him to project his fetishes onto gave me some very painful middle school/high school flashbacks. Sato may be a mess, but I see too much of myself in that mess to simply write him off as a lost cause.

The fact of the matter is, I don’t like giving up on people. Even if someone is objectively terrible in some ways, as long as there’s evidence they have the potential to be better, I try giving them the benefit of the doubt. Sato’s pathetic, but he’s also pitiable. He’s a man well aware of his faults, a man capable of staring at himself in the mirror and realizing how wrong his life’s gone. He’s seen the darkest recesses of his soul, to the point where he has first-hand experience with why some methods of suicide don’t work. He knows exactly what kind of a wreck he is, and he doesn’t know if he’s capable of changing. But the more he’s forced to stare his mistakes in the face, the more he wants to try to be better than them. And that’s more than enough reason for me to hold out hope. Welcome to the NHK is playing with fire, but so far, the courage and honesty is shows in grappling with the ugliness at its core gives me confidence that this will be a show worth remembering. It’s gonna come down to how well Sato’s growth is handled, and what exactly is going on with Misaki (A barely legal schoolgirl showing up to beg a crusty shut-in to let her reform him? That’s too perfect for her not to have some ulterior motive). Until we see how that plays out, all we can do is wait and hope. Ball’s in your court, show. Don’t let me down now.

Odds and Ends

-Oh hell, this OP is a bop and a half.

-TOO MANY PUDDINGS ABORT ABORT

-OH MY GOD HE ACTUALLY STARTED SINGING ALONG ASKJDHASKDH

-”What kind of hikkikomori would go outside two days in a row?!” Congrats, you played yourself.

-”She was amazed how pathetic I was.” kjfhskdjfhskdf

-...that’s Shinpachi. It’s fucking Shinpachi again.

-It’s fascinating, Yamazaki’s got more perverse tastes but is much more well-adjusted than Sato. Shame about the casual misogyny, though.

-”Human baby!” This ED is veeeery subtle.

-”What does ‘that type of game’ mean?” god dammit HE’S LITERALLY JUT SHINPACHI AGAIN

-Even his ringtone is the damn Pururin song. That’s dedication.

-Hot take, I don’t get why people use tissues when masturbating. That shit gets mad sticky in the worst way.

-”My friends’ contact info is in there!” “You don’t have any friends!” Aaaand roasted.

And with that, we’re on our way! This is gonna be one hell of a show to talk about, one way or another. See you next time!

#anime #the anime binge-watcher #tabw #welcome to the nhk #welcome to the nhk!#nhk ni youkoso #nhk ni youkoso!

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soreavs · 4 years

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did you know either of the victims : amelia taylor or cassie snyder ? if yes , how well did you know them ?

i didn’t know them. but you don’t have to worry, this isn’t gonna like, send me into a spiral. i know that soren, but we talked about how processing things can sometimes feel messy and that’s okay. well i didn’t know them.

how have your sleeping and eating patterns been ?

fine. i know you don’t want to hear that i’m fine, but don’t you think that some people can just be fine ? that being fine’s their way of coping ? what makes you think i don’t want to hear that you’re fine ? i don’t know. you’d be down one less patient maybe. sorry. i just know, that there are ways of doing things, processing them, and i’m not doing it.

do you find yourself thinking about the event even when you don’t want to ? if yes , what are the most frequent images ?

it still feels like sort of a blur. i tried to journal it after but was having trouble remembering what happened. after i got back i just went to sleep, and during the lockdown i just wandered. it didn’t feel like anything was wrong, but of course something was wrong, i know that.

do you avoid thinking or talking about the event ?

no, not with myself at least. i’m not very good at comforting people. i never know what the right thing to say is. i don’t get how people can say it’s going to be okay with a straight face. because it’s not. why do you think that ? i just have a feeling. it’s not something i’m paranoid about, i just think, that when it comes, i won’t be surprised. really, i can’t imagine having any other response than finally.

do you avoid going places or being in situations that remind you of the event ? if yes , what are these places ?

no, maybe it’s because i didn’t go to the dance. how was the mission ? fine. well, actually, it was good, is that weird to say ? no, not at all. i spotted some debris that ended up being pretty important. i felt kinda proud of myself. i know it’s not something you celebrate. not with everything that happened after.

do you have nightmares about the event ? if yes , please describe these nightmares to the best of your ability .

no, i rarely dream and if i do they’re prophetic so it’s a good sign that i haven’t had any nightmares about the event. prophetic, why do you say that ? it’s just something i believe. it doesn’t mean they’ll happen in a week, or a year, or a lifetime. but they will happen. what makes you so sure ? you must not be religious. it’s just the awareness that something is coming, and that you have a part in it. like judgement day. yes. you base your actions on what’s to come. you don’t steal because you don’t wanna go to jail, you don’t steal because you don’t wanna go to hell. it’s the same thing. do you worry about going to hell ? i’m not going to either so -- -- soren. what ?! if people can believe in god -- people believe in god, not that they’re god. i don’t think i’m god. i’m just not like you. have you been taking your medication? ... i forgot to bring it with me on the mission. but it was fine. i was fine. take a minute.

do you feel easily startled or anxious ? give examples .

no. yes. sorry. i feel a bit all over the place now. i’m sorry. really. it’s alright, answer on your own time. -- -- -- no. not any more than usual. i’m usually pretty prone to being startled anyways because i never watch where i’m going and sometimes have to remind myself to listen during class.

do you worry about being harmed or feel “on guard” ? give examples .

no. have you seen that meme ? of the guy shrugging, going i’ll guess i’ll die ? no. oh. well. that’s sort of how i feel. do you feel indifferent to your own wellbeing ? no -- i, it’s just a meme.

do you feel detached or “numb” ? how so ?

yes. or well, i’m sure you’ve read my file. do you ever talk to my old therapist ? she was really nice. not that you aren’t. i just miss her a lot. anyways, i think it says in there that due to my belief system, my grief was never acknowledged as grief. your belief system being your religious upbringing ? no, my belief in extraterrestrials. right. i know they’re ... we had a funeral. and what about amelia and cassie ? oh. i know they’re dead. i’m sure they’re in a better place. the same place you believe you’ll go to ? no. heaven.

do you feel shame or guilt about the event or about problems related to the event ? what do you think is causing this same or guilt ?

not guilt, but i can’t help but wonder whether the mission somehow, someway impacted that night. i haven’t had a chance to sort through it, really think about it. i suppose i’m not in any rush to either. i feel bad for the georgetown kids. completely in the dark like that. i don’t like lying. so i don’t talk to them if i can help it.

do you find that you act irritable or angry ? in what ways ?

no. not really. felicity always called me a moon child. and not because i loved space, she just thought i was calm like the moon. bright too. intellectually. or maybe she meant it in a light up the room way, but if she did, she was only saying that because she’s my sister.

do you act oppositional , act out sexually , or abuse alcohol or drugs ?

no, i don’t think i’ve ever been extroverted enough to do that. drinking alone makes me feel like a loner, so i don’t do that. or, the other stuff. it’s a bit pathetic. that’s all the questions i have for you. cool. take your meds, soren. you’re hurting no one but yourself by not taking them. yeah. maybe. thanks. i’ll see you next week.

#gallagher:task #live footage of soren after mandatory therapy is announced b/c he goes every week anyways #mDJHG it's so cringy yes i took it from one of those ig edits ! i Will find and expose his secret eboy tik tok account ik in my heart he has #every one of his therapy sessions is #therapist : hoe don't do it #soren : aliens #therapist: hoemygod

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k-liight · 6 years

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Green Hearts

wow. my first fanfiction in almost two years and it's another self-insert fic. XD well, I've been working on this PPG self-insert thing on and off for a couple months now and finished it last night instead of doing my homework, oops. small warning for swearing (mostly on my part) and some smoking (that's all on Ace lmao). this will likely be a two-shot, but hopefully someone can enjoy this first part for now!

To say that Townsville is a weird city would be an understatement. What with all the crazy things in it—giant 80’s-esque monsters, mutant animals, child superheroes, boys with green skin, even fashionable demons—this place was fucking bizarre. But I kind of like that about this city. It’s definitely a lot more exciting than my former small-town home. Sure, the zany assortment of villains makes things a little dangerous, but hey, I need a little danger in my life. Besides, I don’t have much to worry about with the Powerpuff Girls protecting the city.

Except, maybe, for the Puffs themselves getting on me for hanging out with the Gangreen Gang.

Yeah, a lot of people would say that I shouldn’t be spending time with delinquents like them. But the guys of the Gangreen Gang were the first people to genuinely care about me as a person in a long time. And from what I got from interacting with them, the feeling was mutual. We’ve got more in common than I could’ve ever thought—we’re all just lonely, misunderstood people who have been judged and outcasted just for being different. They’ve never really had any friends outside of each other, and me, well, every good friend I’ve ever had eventually cut me off. And besides, I never took part in any illegal activities with them. I just liked to hang out at their shack and eat pizza with them.

Which is what I’m getting ready to do right now. I already picked up the fresh hot pizza—I bought it with my own hard-earned money, mind you—and heading towards their dump hideout. Crazy thought, me hanging out with guys like them. I still remember the day we met. I was just sitting in the park with my headphones on, drawing like I always do and minding my own business, I turn my head away for two seconds to look at a pigeon and some snot-nosed kid decides to snatch my sketchbook from me. Of course, I took off running after the dumb brat, but I’m a terrible runner, so I basically had no hope of catching the little punk. That is, until we both came face-to-face with the green guys themselves. I basically stopped right when the kid did, but I was too shocked to snatch my sketchbook back from him. Green skin?? Was something wrong with them???

“Well well well, what do we have here, boys?” Ace taunted, staring the child down.

“It ssseemsss we’ve gotsss a loner,” Snake hissed mischievously.

“He’s got a sketchbook, boss!” Arturo exclaimed, pointing at it. That made me finally snap out of my trance.

“Actually, that’s my sketchbook he’s got,” I interjected. “Can you give me that back now, kid?”

“Nuh-uh!” the kid teased, sticking his tongue out at me. “It’s my sketchbook!”

“No it isn’t!” I yelled.

“Yes it is!” he yelled back. “My sketchbook! My drawings!”

“Art theft! Art theft!”

“Lemme see dat!” Ace finally cut our argument short by snatching the sketchbook away from the kid. The rest of the gang looked over his shoulders as he opened it up and skimmed through the pages. Their eyes widened.

“Oooooh!” Billy gasped.

“Ehh, no offense, kid, but these are way too good for someone your age to draw,” Ace said. Grubber made one of his signature raspberry noises in response.

“I think the girl’s telling the truth,” Arturo agreed. The kid turned his nose up and hmphed.

“You’re no fun!” he yelled. And with that, he stormed away.

“Eh he wasn’t no fun either,” Ace scoffed. I stood there, waiting for them to return my sketchbook to me, but instead they kept on looking through it. So, I thought I may as well make conversation.

“Hey uh, thanks for getting my sketchbook away from that kid for me,” I said, scratching the back of my neck sheepishly.

“Don’t worry about it,” Ace deadpanned, not looking up from the pages.

“Thessse are really good,” Snake said.

“Oh, uhh, thank you…” I shuffled my feet a bit. I wasn’t used to people seeing my art like this.

“Thisss one’sss essspecially niccce.” Snake pressed one of his long fingers against the page.

“Which one?” I came closer to the boys to see which drawing Snake was referring to. “Oh, that one?” I asked, upon discovering he was looking at a doodle of one of my fantasy characters. “Thanks.”

“So how long you been doin’ dis thing, anyway?” Ace asked.

“Oh, pfft, long time. Since like, seventh grade, I think.” I have a terrible sense of time and my memory is even worse.

“Awesssome.” Snake crossed his arms and smiled. I side-eyed them for a second or two before speaking up again.

“…So who are you guys, anyway?”

“Who are we?” Ace smirked and shoved my sketchbook into my arms, proudly pointing to himself. “We’re the Gangreen Gang! I’m Ace, and that’s Billy, Arturo, Grubber, and Snake.” He pointed to the other guys respectively.

“Well uh, it’s very nice to meet you all!” I smiled. “You can call me Light.” I figured since most of them were using nicknames why not use mine? I held my hand out for Ace to shake, but he gave it a high-five instead.

“You ain’t so bad, Light,” he said. “Maybe we’ll sees each otha’ around sometime.”

“Yeah, see you guys!” I said as they walked away. I didn’t think I would ever actually see them again. But as it turned out, we couldn’t stop running into each other. The bank, the mall, the town square, the supermarket—seemed like everywhere I went they were there too. Usually wreaking havoc, but that’s beside the point. Every time, we would give each other a holler or chit-chat in the middle of whatever we were doing, until one day Ace invited me to their place. (Actually, it was Grubber that invited me, but Ace had to translate for me.) Of course, I couldn’t say no to that. Then one visit turned to multiple visits, and before I knew it we were constantly hanging out. I found out very quickly that word gets around freakishly fast in Townsville, and soon enough everyone was talking about the Gangreen Gang’s “little friend” (I am not little, I’m 5’10”). So it didn’t take very long for the Powerpuff Girls to find out about me, either. It took a lot of convincing to assure them that I wasn’t a threat, but eventually they got the gist. They still kept a watchful eye on me, though.

In fact, they had their suspicions when I went to pick up this pizza. Those girls, they figured out that I only carry a pizza around like this when I’m going to visit the gang. I gotta give them credit for being so smart for their age. Soon enough, I notice the gang’s little shack in sight. I quicken my pace, a little paranoid that the pizza already went cold, until I stop at the door. Since they’re used to me by now, and my hands are too full to knock, I kick the door open with my foot.

“Special delivery!” I yell enthusiastically.

“Eyy, Light’s here!” Arturo says.

“Pizza time!” Billy cheers.

The little shack is abuzz with excitement, which is nice to hear. Aw yeah, being friends with them is the best. There’s just one little problem…

“Hey! How’sss it goin’, Light?”

…A slithery little problem.

“Ooohhh, hey Snake!” I set the pizza box down, and everyone digs in. “It’s going good. Same old same old.” I can feel my face heating up already. Not good. Snake shuffles towards me and grabs a slice of pizza.

“Thanksss for getting the food,” he says, leaning against the table. Grubber gives a raspberry while smiling and flashing a thumbs-up. I’m still not fluent in Grubber-speak, but that sounded like a “yeah, it’s delicious!”

“Oh it’s no problem,” I say, taking a bite of my own slice. “And I love pizza as much as you guys so win-win!”

Snake chuckles a bit. Also not good. He slinks down in his seat, then flashes me a charming smile while patting the chair beside him.

“Sssit down.”

“Eheh, well if everyone else is sitting…” I get down into the chair, even more flustered. Shit, we’re close. I can really get a good look at his features from here. But before I can get into that, Ace plops down in the chair on the other side of me.

“Hey, Light!” He smiles with his arms wide.

“Ey yo Ace!” I give him a high-five, then another down low, then our hands interlock as if we’re about to arm wrestle. It’s kind of our secret handshake.

“What’s up, man?” Ace asks, casually leaning back in his chair.

“Oh not a lot,” I say, crossing my ankles. “Just hangin’ around.”

“Man nothin’ ain’t eva’ up with you,” Ace complains. “But boy, have we been havin’ a hell of a time lately!”

He then gets into some long, drawn-out story about fighting the Puffs or whatever, but I space out for a second to glance at Snake out of the corner of my eye. Good, he’s not looking. I turn my head a bit and dare to look at him a little more. He’s staring straight ahead of him, giving me a good view of his profile. He’s done with his pizza and now absentmindedly twirling a lock of his raven hair with a slender finger. His forked tongue pokes out from time to time, almost going past that long, pointy nose. His cheeks have a slight rosy tint, which stands out against the rest of his green complexion. His dark lips are parted just a bit. And oh man, his eyes. Those slanted, crimson eyes, wide and twinkling with ever-present curiosity and framed by long, dark eyelashes. A lot of people think he’s funny-looking, but I find him rather alluring. Plus he’s got that personality—so slick, so confident, and yet so adorable. He’s a bad boy with a cutesy side. Hell, it’s no wonder I fell for the guy. Every time I’m around him he pulls me into a trance without even trying and—

Snap snap!

“Earth to Light, are ya listenin’?” Ace snaps me out of my daze, quite literally.

“Huh?” I pull myself away from Snake to face the rest of the gang.

“I’ll take dat as a no.” Ace facepalms.

“Pay attention, you dummy,” Grubber spits out.

“I’m not a dummy,” I huff at him, crossing my arms. I know exactly what that raspberry meant.

“In her defenssse, I wasss a little ssspaccced out myssself,” Snake admits.

“Oh really?” Ace raises an eyebrow.

“What about?” Arturo asks.

“I’sss dunno. Life ssstuff I guessss.”

“Same,” I casually remark, hoping to mask the real reason for my daze.

“Yeah right,” Ace snickers. The rest of the gang, save for Snake, joins in. I glare at them. There’s no way they know about my crush—right??!

“The hell are you guys on about?”

Billy giggles mischievously. Wait, Billy? Mischievous? Something’s wrong.

“Heehee… you’re in lo—”

“Quiet, you.” Arturo cuts him off with a swift jab to his side. My stomach does about ten backflips. They do know. Shit. I’m in trouble now.

“Whatever.” I roll my eyes and grab another slice of pizza, but I don’t know if I’ll actually be able to eat it.

“You guysss are ssso weird.” Snake reaches down and grabs a soda from who-knows-where.

“Right?” I smile. “And I thought I was weird. Oh, could you get me one of them?”

“Sure.” Snake’s hair falls over his shoulders as he stretches down to get another soda. Oh man, that hair. His hair alone is enough to make me lose it. So long and sleek, and it swooshes so nicely—ahem. I need to stop that train of thought before Ace snaps his fingers in my face again.

“Here yousss go.” Snake sets the soda down in front of me. He smiles—it’s just a little smile, but it’s enough to make my heart skip a few beats.

“T-thanks…” I smile back, lifting the can with a shaky hand. God, when did it get this bad? No wonder the rest of the guys knew. Then again, I shouldn’t have been surprised; I’ve always made things so goddamn obvious. I just hope Snake himself doesn’t see right through me.

“Well now what’re we gonna do?” Arturo asks. Grubber spits out a response.

“No, Grubber, we’sss not playing poker,” Snake counters.

“Actually,” Ace begins, “before we’s get started on anythin’, I’m gonna talk ta Light for a sec.”

I gulp down my sip of soda in mild surprise. “Okay?”

“Ooohhh, you’re in trouble~” Arturo taunts.

“Shut up, shrimpy,” I taunt back with a wink. He growls as Ace and I walk out the door.

Ace leads me about 20 or 30 feet away to a piece of concrete barrier that probably served a purpose at one point but was nothing more than a makeshift bench for the gang now. We sit down, him first and then me. He pulls out a cigarette from his pocket and lights it. I never bothered trying to talk him out of smoking. In fact, he would probably only smoke more just to spite me. He looks straight ahead of him, puffing out his smoke, then he turns to look at me with a small smirk, green eyes just barely peeking out from behind his sunglasses.

“I know yous got the hots for Snake,” he says.

I immediately start coughing. I’m not even sure if I choked on air or if I’m just faking it out of nervousness. Fuck, I should’ve known that’s what this was about.

“Wha—I, haha, you’re nuts.” I casually take a sip of my soda, trying to mask my embarrassment.

“Light.” Ace’s tone is more serious than I’ve ever heard it before. He might not always be the sharpest tool in the shed, but by the very unimpressed look on his face, I can tell there’s no bullshitting my way out of this one.

“Alright. You got me. I’m in love with Snake. There, I said it.” I turn away from him and exhale sharply. “Fuck.”

“Well now that that’s been settled, I’m startin’ ta get a little tired of waitin’ for ya ta make a freakin’ move already.”

Wait, what?

“I’m sittin’ the’e and you two are oglin’ each otha’ and there’s all kinds’a tension but neitha’ o’ ya are doin’ anything and I can’t stand it anymore!

Hold up, is he suggesting that Snake could possibly like me back?? No way.

“And he ain’t gonna do nuttin’ cuz he’s too shy, so if you don’t hurry up an’ make a move I’m gonna do it for ya!”

Snake? Shy? How cute.

“Ya unde’stand, Light?” Ace’s piercing eyes bore into my soul with a commanding look while cigarette smoke blows out of his nostrils. If I wasn’t close friends with the guy, I’d be scared shitless.

“Y-yeah yeah, I understand completely. But jeez Ace, you’re talking about the actual love of my life here. You know I have poor social skills, I have to muster up all my courage just to ask a stranger for directions! You think it’s gonna be easy for me to confess my undying love to someone as amazing as Snake?!”

“Hey.” Ace claps a hand on my shoulder, shaking me a bit. “I neva’ sez it was gonna be easy. But anythin’s easia’ than sufferin’, right?”

I chuckle. “I dunno man, I’ve been suffering in other areas for years already…”

“Well we’s been sufferin’ every goddamn day of our lives.” He takes another drag at this statement. “But if there’s anythin’ we can do to take our minds off’a it, even for a bit, we’s gonna do it. An’ fo’ what it’s worth, we likes havin’ ya around, so we wouldn’t gets tired o’ ya too soon if ya dated one o’ us. Besides, Snake needs hisself a goilfriend.”

He stands up, taking one last smoke before dropping the cigarette and stomping it out with his foot.

“Damn, who knew you of all people could be so inspirational?” I shoot him a smirk as I hoist my own ass off the slab. He makes a face as he lets everything he just said to me sink in.

“I sure as hell didn’t.”

There’s a moment of silence, and then we both crack up laughing.

“Ace, ya goof…” I chuckle, holding my stomach a bit.

“Hey, I’m serious when I sez yous gotta go after Snake, got it?” He’s still laughing too.

“Yeah yeah, I get’cha.” I’m a little less nervous about the whole ordeal now, knowing that Ace pretty much spat all his advice out without really thinking. We head back to the shack, and enter to see pieces of the pizza box ripped and scattered all over the shack, with Snake and Grubber arm wrestling. Grubber has a look of concentration, while Snake’s face just looks pained.

“Ow! Ssstop sssqueezing my hand ssso hard!”

Grubber scowls and spits out something—did he just call Snake a wimp??

“C’mon Snake, you can do it!” Arturo cheers.

“Yeah, go Snake!” I join in. Meanwhile Billy throws some the torn pieces of the box up in the air like confetti.

“I leave the shack for five minutes and dis is what I come back to??” Ace flicks a falling piece of the box away from his face in annoyance. I watch as Snake struggles to overpower Grubber. They both have rather flimsy-looking arms, but Grubber admittedly has more visible muscle. His bicep bulges as Snake’s arm shakes—jeez, I hope it doesn’t snap in half. Suddenly, Grubber gains more strength and slams Snake’s arm on the table.

“Wooooooo!!” Billy cheers, stomping his feet and shaking the whole damn place.

“Way to go, Grubber,” Arturo says, clapping slowly.

“Aww, good try Snake.” I sit back down beside him as he shakes his hand.

“That wasss a bad idea. My wrissst isss gonna hurt for daysss now.”

“Oh I’m sure you’ll be alright soon,” I assure him.

“Hey Snake?” Ace plops down in a chair next to me.

“Yesss?” Snake says, blinking those big red eyes. Ace slaps my back.

“Light here has somethin’ ta ask ya.”

“What?!” Goddammit Ace, why are you throwing me into this so soon?!

“I literally just told ya!”

“I didn’t think you wanted me to do it right now!”

“What did you sssay to her?” Snake sternly asks, crossing his arms.

“Fine then, don’t do it,” Ace scoffs, turning his back to me and ignoring Snake’s question. Snake raises one of his thick eyebrows.

“I am ssso confusssed…”

“Oh it’s nothing,” I lie. “He’s just being an asshole.” Well, that part isn’t exactly a lie.

“Typical.” Snake giggles a little and rolls his eyes.

I hang out at the shack for about another hour or so, then I decide it’s getting a little late. I grab one last soda for the road and make my way out the door.

“Seeya guys!” I say while smiling and waving my hand.

“Yer really gonna up and leave just like that?” Ace asks. He’s glaring at me with an irritated expression. I feel my eyebrows curve upward.

“Ace…”

“C’mon now.” He crosses his arms and taps his foot.

“Accce, quit ssscaring her,” Snake scold, hands on his hips. “Look at her, she’sss shaking.”

I am? Fuck, that’s not good. I gotta get out of here. So I make a run for it.

When I’m outside of the dump, I stop to catch my breath. Way to go, me. I just made a goddamn fool out of myself. Snake was nice enough to stand up for me, and I didn’t even say thanks? What an idiot I am. Ace was right. I should’ve just worked up the courage to ask him out right then and there when I had the chance.

part two

#fanfic #my fanfiction #the powerpuff girls #gangreen gang #self insert #snake #ace copular #big billy #lil arturo #grubber #Light herself #self ship #sanford ingleberry

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mimimariet · 5 years

Text

hi, im depressed.

but i’m also happy.

that��s probably a weird combination to have, but it’s normal really. i’m sure everyone knows that. and im just really open about a LOT of things which i’m sure anyone else with a mental illness wouldn’t be this open where as they should be open with like. a professional. but i don’t care. as everytime i vent and cry i gotta say my disclaimer of the usual: people have it worse, i am seeking help (on meds rn), not looking for sympathy or pity, not trying to normalize the negative parts. though anyone out there if theres a hard relate or looking for hope or just plain bored reading my content. hello. i’m depressed. but i’m also happy.

when i say that i mean my hearts pretty happy.

when i’m depressed i mean my situation living here. my coworker is a piece of shit who constantly antagonizes me. he’s been talked to but he dismisses everything ever said. he’s also a huge transphobe and racist. instead of being educated he rather argue and say “offensive humor is just humor, not everyone will like it.” that’s not a defense to have. he’s also a huge trump supporter so you already know he’s a lost cause. dunno why his mom bothered popping him out.

not to mention the already been before mentioned of my family degrading me. just florida in general is shitty and i’ve expressed it for a while now -- i hate living here. the people suck, my job sucks, the weather sucks. i dunno i’m not happy here and i haven’t been in a while. i dont think there was a point where i said I LOVE FLORIDA. shits expensive. i’m 24 years old. i can’t even afford to rent some place. and i’m still walking, i don’t have my license.

it’s just frustrating that for like a year now i’m finding myself crying every night. well. almost every night. do i deserve to be treated like dirt? i dunno. is this karma for being a shitty person? i’m honestly neutral with people. but i’m fed up. and i want to fight. if i fight though i’ll be the one in trouble.

coworker sprayed me in the face by accident with glass cleaner. which causes irritation in the eyes or skin. i reported it but he’s still harassing me. and he’s been threatening me. claims “i only mess with you cause you mess with me.” yeah it’s a reaction. theres consequence to action. you’re gonna get smacked. you’re gonna get a bruise from me. i’m tired of it.

other than that though.. i’ve had some pretty great support by my side. like. i dunno. my hearts happy. give credit where credit is due. i’m so grateful for isaac. i feel so so so loved and i love him so much.

and i’m terrified cause he’s visiting in 56 days. he’ll actually be here. bought the tickets in november. and i just hope it goes well. i really do.

lot of personal issues i have to work on but a lot of them are really vanity along with mental problems. shit i can’t really afford right off the bat. take years to fix this mess. why im so nervous.

just ready to be with someone whos got that unconditional love for me and i really hope he still likes me upon seeing me at the airport LMAO.. ughhh. i’m miserable i’m so so miserable.

i’m worn out. there was a week where i was unbelievably exhausted. i’m a workaholic. i’ll draw constantly. i’ll have manic moments where i’ll literally draw the whole day and miss meals. (i’m not healthy lol) but for 2 days i slept. for 12 hours each. and i hated myself. i quite literally took days off. and i hate doing that cause i’m left with guilt of UNPRODUCTIVITY. which is something i need to work on.. Giving myself breaks.

My body’s falling apart tbh. almost 2 weeks ago my knees started giving me issues. and i just laid in bed. worn out. and isaac told me i needed to like make this doctors appointment (which is in 12 hours) to see what i need to do to get healthier. (he isn’t the only one concerned but he’s definitely the one pushing me.) i dunno if anyone’s long time followed me but 2 years ago i was diagnosed pre-diabetic, weighed 196 pounds. went off my medicine in a dangerous fashion and dropped nearly 30 pounds. dunno my status though. never checked up on that. that’ll be today’s event. if not the next appointment. new patient shit y’know. being that low-key suicidal type of person i just didn’t care about myself and i’m really paying for it now by giving myself anxiety issues out the daily. wonderful. good job me. like. for one my teeth have been fucked since childhood. so that’s an expense on its own. but high blood pressure and i almost thought i was having a heart attack (got laughed at) and just figured it was panic/anxiety attack so whatever. i’m not doing so hot. that’s apparent. ah well. making the steps.

again i’m so grateful for this boy and there’s no way for me to truly express that enough. i’ll take the fucking bullet for him. he’s my ride or die.

often worry about being a cling on. i like the attention of one person at a time. i attach so hard to people and i’m paranoid i’m gonna push them away cause being clingy is “toxic”.

i dunno my preference isn’t to isolate myself. i like being a loner but i like being a one on one person. i like being alone but i dont like being lonely.

a workaholic with a liking of like 5 people max really.

and i’ve tried doing this reassurance thing where if i’m feeling like garbage for just existing my mind says “youre human, you’re kind, you dont deserve this shit you deserve respect you deserve love”

but i got so fucking annoyed with myself that i just stopped doing it. it’s ANNOYING AS FUCK. I HATE IT. I hate myself. but i’m all i got. i’m entertaining and loving as all hell. til i depersonalize which happens often enough to stress me out even more. oh well. this is my life. i gotta do better..

sigh.

tired.

still alive.

#the bipolar

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waywardandwestward · 6 years

Text

Let Me Be Your Shelter (Chapter Fourteen)

Gally x OFC

Warning(s): Mostly fluff, tiny bit of angst!

It’s an odd feeling. Knowing that I’m the only girl. Knowing that no matter what I do, I’ll always be an outsider inside these walls. The boys try so hard to make things better, and I love them for it, but sometimes it’s just not enough. I pray every month for another girl to appear out of the box, so maybe I won’t feel so alone, and every month I’m disappointed.

I have to get out of here. But I’m terrified of leaving him behind, and I know he’ll refuse to leave.

A/N: A little on the shorter end as it’s more of a transitional chapter, but I hope you enjoy!

Master List

Previous Chapter

Day 93

That hadn't been the last time Gally had fallen asleep in my bungalow. He stopped by a few more times, mostly after a particularly long day he'd stay and we'd talk in a quiet murmurs, building our fantasies in our heads until he thought I had fallen asleep. After, he'd quietly make his way back to his own hammock, and I'd wake up in an empty bed the next morning. They day would drag on with neither of us ever speaking about the previous night's events. Why would we? Those were our secrets to keep.

Things in the Glade were quieter than usual, but I couldn't help feeling like there was something wrong; like there was something a few of the boys had been keeping from the whole group. It wasn't far off from Ben's arrival that he replaced Bach as Minho's running partner. Bach was perfectly content going back to building with Gally, and a the time, Ben couldn't have been more ecstatic to get away from him.

It wasn't that he disliked Gally on a personal level. On the contrary, Gally and Ben got along quite well when they weren't working. Unfortunately though, Ben just couldn't deal with Gally's need to be right all the time. Alby quickly recognized that, as well as how how close he and Minho had become. It certainly helped that he was one of the more agile members of the group as well.

It wasn't long after the pair had started running together that the atmosphere in the Glade seemed to change. Everyday they'd come back more exhausted than the next. He'd never admit to it, but Minho was scared and by the quite tense conversations he would have with our leader, he was making Alby scared too.I tried asking Minho about it one morning before he left, but he simply replied, "Worry about your own job Jo, and I'll worry about mine."

Maybe I shouldn't have been prying, but then again if it was something that affected all of us, didn't I have the right to know?

Gally was glad to have Bach back in his corner, and he was even happier to finally be completely healed from his injury. Newt on the other hand, pretended like it didn't bother him, but I knew that it did. I saw the disappointment, and even a little jealousy as Gally threw his crutch into the grass, sprinted toward me, and joyously lifted me over his shoulder. He missed having someone like him around; someone else with a limp; someone who at least partially understood the obstacles he faced. "It was nice. Having someone I could talk to about it," Newt confided in me one afternoon.

Days turned into weeks, and the next thing we knew, we were at another box day. I anxiously awaited, still hopeful that another young woman would appear.

I was let down again. But the two new boys seemed nice enough. Jeff, who remembered his name almost right away, was the smaller of the two, but he was still and inch or two higher than me. He was quieter than most, but much less of a loner than Bach was, and didn’t isolate himself the way Mikey did.

It would take the second boy a few more days to remember his name, and even than he wouldn't tell us what it was. Eventually after watching him spend some time in the kitchen with Mikey, and how much better of a cook he was, Newt decided to declare him Frypan. When Alby asked why, Newt replied. "Because he's good with a frying pan, does it have to be any more complicated than that?"

Jeff, and Frypan were brought up with a pair of pigs, a male and a female, just like our goat friends. And, as Alby sent Jeff off to work in the Gardens, he officially put me in charge of the animals full time.

Day 123

His visits at night were becoming more and more common. It got to the point where Gally would stay with me at least three or four times a week. I'd joke with him about the need for a bigger cot. "I'd build you one," he said. "But the other guys might notice."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know," he shrugged. "I get the feeling that if the other guys found out I spent so much time with you, it might get me in trouble."

Trouble for what? I wondered. It wasn't like we were doing anything wrong. We were just talking. Last time I had checked that wasn't against the rules.

I tried to shove my worry down by turning away from him, letting his arm wrap around my waist and my back collapsing into his chest feeling his slow breathing warm the back of my neck.

I would still wake up alone, and part of me wished he would stay, but the other part had his words about getting into trouble etched into the back of my mind. I understood Gally didn't want the boys to know what we were talking about because I didn't either, but I didn't understand why him coming to visit me at night need to be such a big secret.

It was odd how much our little group had changed; how many more names we could add to the wall.

ALBY

NEWT

GALLY

MIKEY

BACH

ZART

MINHO

BEN

JEFF

FRYPAN

We were a society now; our own little culture in a corner of the world we were forced to live in.

I continued to wait. I told myself to be patient. And if I'm being totally honest with myself, I couldn't even be disappointed when Winston arrived. I knew in my gut that I was probably going to be the only girl, and I had started to make peace with that. At least, that's what I continued to tell myself.

Day 154

Gally started staying in the bungalow almost every night. I'd gotten used to it, so much so that it was harder to fall asleep when he wasn't there. Every once in a while he'd forget to leave and I'd wake up to his erratic snoring in my ear. He talked in his sleep too, but it was always, silly things. "...So many puppies...", he would groan."...Albyyyyyy, I wanna hamburger...Call me Captain, Captain..." But, he always managed to wake himself up a little before dawn, just before the others. And on a Box Day that was especially important.

"Jo," he whispered.

"Hmmm," I mumbled into his chest, my eyes still shut.

"You gotta get off me. Newts and Bach are gonna be up earlier than usual."

"Five more minutes," I said again far too tired to move.

"Come on, you know today's important," he said. He gently gripped my wrists and attempted to pull me off of him.

"Box Day can wait five more minutes," I groaned reaching out for him again.

"I'm not talking about the Box, I'm talking about Alby's birthday."

"We don't have birthdays," I said.

Gally leaned down moving the hair out of my face. "He's been in the Glade for a whole year, Jo."

My body jumped awake at his response, but my eyes and my mind were still trying to catch up. "Why didn't anyone tell me?"

"Newt was trying to keep it under wraps. I'm pretty sure Bach and I are the only other people he's mentioned it too. Newt was afraid that the more people who knew the more likely the surprise would get ruined."

"It's a little weird to celebrate someone being held hostage for a year, don't you think?" I asked finally beginning to sit up.

"It's more of a thank you surprise," he replied. "He's gotten us through a lot. We'd all be dead of it wasn't for him."

"We probably would have all killed each other by now."

He didn't laugh, but he did smile at my dry humor. "You can go back to sleep if you want. Zart will probably come wake you up again before the siren starts. But I really gotta go before Newt starts wondering where I am."

And there it was again, that hint of worry of what the others thought. In the time that it took Gally to move to the other end of the room and grab his shoes and tie them up, I managed to saddle up enough courage to ask him something that had been on my mind for months. "Not to sound super insecure, or paranoid, but... are you embarrassed of me or something?"

"What?"

"Why are you always so worried the other guys are gonna catch us? I mean, what are we doing that's so terrible?"

"Nothing," he said sincerely making his way over to the bed again. He took my hand. "It's just the other guy, they-"

"Hey, Jo!"

It was Zart. He was early. "You awake?" And without any thought he swung the door open.

It looked like Alby's birthday wasn't the only surprise the rest of the Gladers were going to experience that day.

Next Chapter

#gally #tmr gally #gally x ofc #gally x reader #gally x oc #tmr #the maze runner #will poulter #gally x jo #tmr fanfiction #fanfiction #fanfic #my fanfiction

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finding-hope-strength-courage · 3 years

Text

Where Does My Anxiety Stem From? - 17/07/2021

I’m trying to understand a bit better where some of my Anxiety might stem from, of course it’s impossible to know for sure but I figured maybe writing some things down might help me make more sense of it.

I lived with my Granny from a very young age, I think I was still a baby. My Mum was very ill and in and out of hospital. I remember living with my Granny as a good thing but maybe subconsciously I wondered when I'd see my parents? Or if I'd ever live with them? I didn’t question it knowingly at the time but it must have occurred to me. On paper my life seemed stable but perhaps it wasn’t inside my mind?

My parents separated when I was around 5 years old and my Mum moved into a flat. I didn’t know this was why at the time and was told she was moving there to get better. Do these kind of situations cause feeling of Anxiety?

My Dad got really poorly in 1998 when I was 6 and I remember my Granny being very honest and realistic that she thought he was going to die. Thankfully some how and maybe due to a miracle he recovered! I don’t know if this may have contributed to Anxiety?

In June 1998 my Mum collapsed at her flat and when she was found and taken to the hospital it was too late, they couldn’t get her back and she died. Realising things were out of control from such a young age may have affected my Anxiety?

I remember from quite a young age becoming almost obsessed with the idea of being “Good”. I was terrified of getting into trouble and doing things wrong. My family were very strict and on the rare occasions I behaved badly I was sure to know I had and made to feel incredibly ashamed. I vowed to try harder and not get into trouble. This attitude followed me all the way through Secondary School and I put so much pressure on myself to never get in trouble and was labelled by peers as a “Goody Two Shoes”. I relied on validation and praise from teachers a lot. Did this pressure add to my Anxiety?

In 2002 when I was 11 my Granny sadly died. Outwardly I coped with this really well considering she basically my Mum. She was my everything but I knew she wouldn’t have wanted me to be sad. So I got on with life as I knew she’d want me to, I needed to make her proud. Did this add to my Anxiety at all? Maybe I felt more alone after she died.

I always wanted people to like me at school. When I was about 6/7 I wasn’t a very nice child, I bullied one of my friends. Something to this day I am still so ashamed of even though she is still one of my closest friends and I love her dearly. I just feel so guilty for how I treated her all those years ago, I take full responsibility for it. My family made sure I felt this too when they found out. I am still reminded by some of how bossy I was as a child so I’ve always tried to actively be the opposite as felt this was seen as abad thing. As I got older I became paranoid with every upsetting anyone and would constantly apologise just in case I had done or said something wrong. It consumed me at times. I couldn’t deal with conflicts or confrontations. Maybe this has contributed to my Anxiety?

I often got picked on at school as a teenager, I don’t like to use the word bullied as that sounds fairly extreme. But I was called things like: “Emotional Train Wreck”, “Goody Two Shoes”, “Always talks about her dead relatives”, “Socially Rejected”, “Two Faced Malicious B****”, “Not Wanted”, “Two Sensitive”, “Weird”, “Not Normal”, “Loner”, among others. I am fully aware teenagers say things they don’t mean but it’s important to realise that words have an impact on how others feel. I am sure I am guilty of saying things and hurting people’s feelings when I was growing up and I hold my hands up and take responsibility for that and can only apologise. Do people being unkind cause Anxiety?

Leaving school was incredibly tough for me, even remembering this time causes me to feel anxious and actually makes me cry. I loved school, I was not ready. It was safe, it was stable, there was routine, I knew what was expected of me, people cared about me, people knew me. Sometimes I feel like nothings been the same since I left school 11 years ago now! How can I still not be over this? Looking back I believe I always had Anxiety at this point but hadn’t put the label on it.

Going to University made it worse, it was a dark time for me. I relapsed with Self-Harm after nearly 2 years. I developed OCD - centred around checking the oven, lights, locks. It’s an incredibly difficult time to remember. I did make a very good friend during this year which I'm always grateful for!

During this year at University my Dad then died very suddenly which sent me into a deep grief. I don’t remember all of this time as it was such a shock but I know my Anxiety got a lot worse after this time. The following year I did go to the doctors and I did start counselling a year or two after.

In 2014 I was finishing my Degree with The Open Unviersity, which. I had absolutely loved studying for. I was also preparing to start my PGCE year and move away from home. I was very anxious about this but I also had to leave my job of 3 years which was actually at the school where I had been a student. I got a job helping at lunchtimes and as a TA with Early Years and KS1. I knew this time I was really leaving. Getting this job after my Dad died helped me more than I can explain. Just being back there I feel saved me. I was still struggling and in a lot of emotional pain but I felt so accepted and supported. It upsets me to remember feeling that way because I’m not sure if I have since I left. The colleagues I worked with and being able to talk to some of my past teachers helped me so much. I left in 2014 and without sounding dramatic I feel like it broke my heart. I cannot put into words how it felt saying goodbye to people and driving away for the last time. I cried for days and just thinking about it makes me cry still all these years later. It really was such a significant place and helped me so much in many ways, particularly actually after I was no longer a student and after my Dad died. My gratitude is huge.

Starting my PGCE in the Autumn of 2014 was tough but I was excited too for the challenge but it was really hard at first. I felt really alone having moved away and living on my own. I wasn’t around people who had supported me for so long, I didn’t know who I could talk to, who I could trust. I tried speaking to my Tutor but soon realised it wasn’t the right person and soon stopped. I just got on with the year and made friends, one friendship in particular is now one of my closest friends and I'm very grateful. I look back on this year as a good one but it was challenging to manage my Anxiety and I felt alone a lot, I didn’t really have anyone to talk to as much anymore. By the end of my PGCE I had found a way to feel more confident, perhaps more in my work than in myself but still it helped. I felt like I was going to make a good teacher and received good feedback from my mentors.

In the Autumn I began my Teaching Job as an NQT, something that began as a really exciting opportunity soon turned out to be some of the most difficult months of my life. It’s long and complicated to go into but in the end I felt like I was useless at my job, not good enough, incapable, inferior. It’s so difficult to remember these times, I don’t even know if people knew what was going on or how someone made me feel because I tried my best to just get on with it and keep quiet. Maybe they never meant to make me feel that way but after my second year I had no confidence left in my teaching abilities and I felt broken compared to who I was when I had started. I cried when I left because I cared so much for the children in my class and had good relationships with the parents but also from relief I think that it was over. I was also grieving in a way because I believed this was going to be the start of a truly amazing career but I just came up short. Maybe I just wasn’t good enough.

I left in 2017 to work in a Nursery but this ended up making me feel even worse - I was shouted at, mocked, made to feel useless, incapable, stupid, slow and just not good enough. It was humiliating at times and after a year I couldn't take it anymore, I felt so low in my confidence. After this time I just felt like I wasn’t tough enough for this world, too sensitive and just maybe not quite good enough.

At the end of 2018 I found something out that would cause me to feel - I'm not even sure what the feeling are or were to be honest but it was incredibly difficult. I found out something about someone who had helped me for many years and I had so many conflicting emotions. I didn’t know what to do, I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. It hurt me so much, I looked up to him like a Dad and I realise that may have not been fair on him but he helped me more than I can explain especially with my Mental Health and after I lost my Dad. I’ll forever be grateful for the kindness he showed me despite what I found out. I guess this was kind of like grief maybe, like I was grieving for someone I knew but they were still alive.

My Anxiety got a lot worse in 2019 when I was pregnant with my daughter as it was all I'd hoped for and I couldn’t wait to be a Mum but because of that I was terrified of anything going wrong. I was consumed by Anxiety, I was scared to do much at all, slept so much just to pass the days, obsessed with monitoring her movements, so careful with what I ate and terrified of giving birth. I just wanted her here safe more than anything. It was supposed to be such a happy experience being pregnant but I was just too scared and didn’t want to let myself feel happy until I had delivered her safely.

For me the whole labour and birth was really traumatic and I still find it hard to talk about. On paper it probably wasn't that bad but for me it was terrifying in my mind, I was so scared of what would happen to her or me. I’m also terrified of hospitals anyway so that added to the fear. I’ve never been so grateful once I was able to hold her and she was okay.

I actually feel like I managed my Anxiety quite well in the first couple of months of becoming a Mum, I just put all my energy and focus into my Daughter and I honestly felt a happiness I never have before, she was all I wished for and I was so grateful because I knew how lucky I was and that it is a privilege to become a Mum. Unfortunately then the Pandemic hit.

Since then I've been terrified of getting the virus, my daughter getting ill, obsessing over making sure her things are clean, keeping her safe, making sure she's happy. Being the best Mum I can, planning activities for her in lockdown. It’s too long to put into this post about how The Pandemic has affected my Anxiety as there’s a lot but it’s been hard. I have actually made a lot of progress since the start of Lockdown last March in some ways but in other ways it’s got harder.

I’m making progress in doing more but struggling because I feel so much pressure and expectation to get back to doing things quicker and feeling judged at times for my Anxiety and how I've chosen to do things since the pandemic started and for how I am as a Mum. These have made my Anxiety worse and also my Self Esteem so it’s difficult to manage at the minute. Whilst my Anxiety is hard to cope with at the minute it then brings up lots of things from the past too that I've written here, it’s hard to explain but it reminds me of all the times I've struggled and that brings up difficult feelings.

I have no idea if any of this makes sense but for myself I wanted to try and write all the significant things that may have contributed to my Anxiety. Of course there’s been some amazing and wonderful times too but for this post I just wanted to focus on the times that have contributed to my Anxiety. I guess it’s complicated though.

#Mental Health #Mental Health Awareness #Mental Health Matters #Mental Health Understanding #Mental Illness #Mental Illness Awareness #Anxiety #Contributing Factors #Where Does My Anxiety Stem From #When My Anxiety Has Been Worse #Writing #Self Therapy #Self Awareness #Self Reflection #Working On Myself

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travelingthroughtimejjs · 3 years

Text

First year

The summer in between was a lot of fun, I made going out a priority and tried to not miss anything. I wasn't really too sure what to expect but I loved high school because of the close relationships I had with everyone and I was able to see my friends every single day. Now things were about to be different.

Sure living away from home was really fun, me and the boys definitely had our fair share of drinks and went to parties whenever we could but I reallllly missed my other friends. Friends were always just so important to me so not being able to see them really had me in a shitty mood. I formed a crazy good bond with my Engineering friends (Josh, Jackson, Andrew, Nikki, Matt, Emmad and Niko) that has continued throughout the years but it wasn’t quite the same for me. I started to get really depressed during first semester, I wasn’t doing much of my schoolwork and felt pretty lost. I was pretty sure that I didn’t want to be an Engineer for the rest of my life. To counter the depressive state I was drinking a bunch and put a lot of my school work on the back burner. I got everything done but I didn’t do it to the best of my abilities. It was nice to have all my roommates there to help me but I just wasn’t feeling myself

I’m very grateful my dad gave me 1000$ a month to live off but that left me super broke every single month. Rent + the other bills were roughly 600-650$ a month. My plates for my car were 110$ and groceries were about 150-200$. This left me with very little spending money for going out and meant I couldn't afford to treat myself.

I didn’t have time to workout or anything, which I have always been super passionate about. I was kind of letting myself slip and needed to figure something out to get me out of that state of mind. I was inviting the boys over basically every weekend and formed some solid ass friendships with Ryan, Corrigal, Matt and Liam along with doing everything with Josh and Jackson. The drinking wasn’t helping my mood though and I would spent a lot of nights in my room contemplating what to do.

At Christmas time I decided I wanted to make a switch. I couldn’t keep being in something that was dragging me down so much. I decided I wanted to go into psychology and become a psychologist, it was something I had always found interesting. In my english class I had Landon Markovich who was in Kinesiology. I sat with him everyday and he convinced me that Kin would be way better for me than anything else. The only thing was that I didn’t think a Kin degree would really get me anywhere, so I decided I was going to do a combined degree in Kin/ Education and potentially become a gym teacher. I started working out again but all semester I still wasn’t really feeling like myself again, so my marks still weren’t that good.

All year I was super stressed out and got moody about the condition of the house and the chores and stuff. It got even worse during second semester when I no loner had the same school schedule as the other boys. I was getting up super early and they were staying up late being loud which was frustrating me. I enjoyed going out and spending time with Josh and Jackson but Andrew was always such a buzz kill and never wanted to do anything fun, so we left him behind a bunch. I’m sure he wasn’t impressed with the many times I called for an after party at our house. Although I complained often, 1207 really did become a home.

I always texted certain Saskatoon boys to go out and we made a nice circle of friends. I loved going out with Ryan because he loved being just as ridiculous as I was. Adam Wandzura has also always been one of my favourites because we were both girlfriend guys, so no matter whether it was at a party or at the bar we could just dance together and have a bunch of fun. In first year Caleb also made a huge impact on me, he tried really hard to stay involved in my life and always made the effort to make plans with me. Liam and Jacob E (Caleb was the same) were also very appreciated throughout the years because they knew the boys didn’t have much money (I only ever had 20$ to spend at the bar every time I went and would often sneak in mickeys in my pants) they would make sure if the boys were going out we were all getting drunk, money was no object. Matt was always willing to make a roadie and spend the weekend getting into some trouble.

After first year my dad’s buddy gave me a job at the city cemetery back in PA. I didn’t really know what to expect but I had a lot of friends that had also got jobs with the city. I have to pay my own tuition so I tried to save us much money as I could each summer to avoid getting a student loan. I’m so happy I got put where I did though. My boss Dez is the best boss I could ever ask for. She makes me feel so damn important everyday. She loves listening to me talk and laughs every time I’m just being my goofy self, makes me feel super appreciated. I also started working with a girl named Lindsay, she’s cool I guess but man does she piss me off. She’s wayyyyy too stuck on following the rules exactly as they’re written and gets way to paranoid to the point where it annoys me. Simon also worked there, he was pretty boring but he also didn’t care about following the rules to the same degree as me, so although he’s not really fun to talk to, I do enjoy working with him because we get stuff done.

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frankpritch · 7 years

Text

next to normal starters.

feel free to change anything as you see fit! mentions of suicide, drugs, death, child death, and mental illness.

JUST ANOTHER DAY.

“ we’re the perfect loving family. so adoring. ”

“ so my son’s a little shit. ”

“ my husband’s boring. ”

“ my daughter, though a genius, is a freak. ”

“ honey, you need to slow down. ”

“ i’m going to have sex with your father. ”

“ so it’s times like these i wonder how i take it. ”

“ ‘cause some days i think i’m dying, but i’m really only trying. ”

“ the world will feel my power. ”

“ the feeling like i’ll live forever. ”

“ the feeling like this feeling never goes away. ”

“ you’re living on a latte and a prayer. ”

“ what doesn’t kill me, doesn’t kill me. ”

“ it only hurts when i breathe. ”

“ it only hurts when i try. ”

“ it’s just another day. ”

“ the world just keeps on spinning. ”

“ the house is spinning. ”

EVERYTHING ELSE.

“ mozart was crazy. ”

“ you scan through the score, put fingers on keys, and you play. ”

“ everything else goes away. ”

“ you play ‘til it’s perfect. ”

“ so you won’t feel so sick and you won’t look so pale. ”

“ there’s nothing your paranoid parents can say. ”

WHO’S CRAZY / MY PSYCHOPHARMACOLOGIST AND I ( MEDLEY ).

“ who’s crazy, the husband or wife? ”

“ who’s crazy to live their whole life? ”

“ who’s crazy, the one who can’t cope? or maybe the one who’ll still hope? ”

“ and i was a wild twenty-five. ”

“ it’s like an odd romance. ”

“ he knows my deepest secrets, i know his... name. ”

“ and though he’ll never hold me, he’ll always take my calls. ”

“ without a little lift, the ballerina falls. ”

“ so we’ll try again and eventually, we’ll get it right. ”

“ use may be fatal. ”

“ i now can’t feel my fingers or my toes. ”

“ oh, thank you, that’s very sweet, but my husband’s waiting in the car. ”

“ the sex was simply inspired. ”

“ they say love is blind... but believe me, love is insane. ”

“i don’t feel like myself. i mean, i don’t feel anything. ”

“ valium is my favorite color. ”

PERFECT FOR YOU.

“ our plaent is poisoned. ”

“ um, ___, that’s true and i totally care. ”

“ i’m trying to tell you i love you. ”

“ and this is one fucked up seduction. ”

“ this planet is pretty much broken beyond repair. ”

“ i could be perfect for you. ”

“ i might be lazy, a loner, a bit of a stoner it’s true. ”

“ i’ll make myself perfect for you. ”

“ you’ve got some nerve, ___ ”

“ you’ll be the one thing in the world that won’t hurt. ”

“ i can’t fix what’s fucked up. ”

“ but one thing i know i can do, i can be perfect for you. ”

I MISS THE MOUNTAINS.

“ there was a time where i flew higher. ”

“ now i know she needs me there to share, i’m nowhere. ”

“ all these blank ans tranquil years, seems they’ve dried up all my tears. ”

“ but i miss the mountains. ”

“ i miss the highs and lows. ”

“ i miss the pain. ”

“ here it’s safe and sound. ”

“ my mind is somewhere hazy. ”

“ everything is perfect, nothing’s real. ”

“ i miss my life. ”

IT’S GONNA BE GOOD.

“ it’s gonna be good. ”

“ two weeks and it’s all working just the way it should. ”

“ the sex is still amazing and we don’t stay up that late. ”

“ it’s almost been a month and she’s as happy as a clam. ”

“ why don’t you join us for dinner? ”

“ okay, it’s someone’s birthday! ”

“ who’s birthday is it? ”

HE’S NOT HERE.

“ i didn’t know you have a brother. ”

“ i don’t, he died before i was born. ”

“ he’s not here. ”

“ love, i know you know. ”

“ do you feel he’s still real? ”

“ love, it’s just not so? ”

“ why is it you still believe? ”

“ do you dream or do you grieve? ”

“ you’ve got to let him go. ”

“ he’s been dead sixteen years. ”

“ this is fucked. ”

“ language! ”

“ what about the new meds? ”

“ jesus, ___, they were working! ”

YOU DON’T KNOW.

“ do you wake up in the in the morning and need help to lift your head? ”

“ do you read obituaries and feel jealous of the dead? ”

“ it’s like living on a cliff side, not knowing when you’ll dive. ”

“ do you know what it’s like to die alive? ”

“ i know you don’t know. ”

“ you say that you’re hurting, it sure doesn’t show. ”

“ when you say let go and i say you don’t know. ”

“ the sensation that you’re screaming but you never make a sound. ”

“ the feeling that you’re falling but you never hit the ground. ”

you don’t know what it’s like to live that way. ”

“ like a refugee, a fugitive forever on the run. ”

“ if it gets me it will kill me but i don’t know what i’ve done. ”

I AM THE ONE.

“ can you tell me what it is you’re afraid of? ”

“ can you tell me why i’m afraid it’s me? ”

“ can i touch you? ”

“ we’ve been fine for so long now. ”

“ how could something go wrong that i can’t see? ”

“ i’m holding on. ”

“ i won’t let go. ”

“ i am the one who knows you. ”

“ i am the one who cares. ”

“ i am the one who’s always been there. ”

“ i am the one who’s helped you. ”

“ if you think that i just don’t give a damn, then you just don’t know who i am. ”

“ could you leave me? ”

“ hey dad, it’s me. ”

“ will you watch as i drown? ”

“ why can’t you see? ”

“ are you bleeding? ”

“ are you wanting all that she can’t give? ”

“ are you bruised, are you broken? ”

“ are you hurting, are you healing? ”

“ are you hoping for a life to live? ”

“ tell me what to do. ”

“ look at me. ”

“ i am the one who’ll hold you. ”

“ i am the one who’ll stay. ”

“ i am the one who won’t walk away. ”

“ i won’t walk away. ”

“ i am the one who’ll hear you. ”

“ now you tell me that i won’t give a damn. ”

“ you don’t give a damn. ”

“ i know you know who i am. ”

“ i am the one who needs you. ”

“ does it please you? ”

SUPERBOY AND THE INVISIBLE GIRL.

“ he’s a hero, a lover, a prince. ”

“ she’s not there. ”

“ everything a kid oughta be. ”

“ he’s immortal, forever alive. ”

“ then there’s me. ”

“ i wish i could fly. ”

“ i’d fly far away from here. ”

“ he’s the one you wish would appear. ”

“ he’s your hero, forever your son. ”

“ you know that’s not true. ”

“ you’re our little pride and joy, our perfect plan. ”

“ i love you as much as i can. ”

“ here she is, clear as the day. ”

“ please look closely and find her before she fades away. ”

I’M ALIVE.

“ i am what you want me to be. ”

“ i’m your worst fear, you’ll find it me. ”

“ come closer, come closer. ”

“ i am more than memory. ”

“ i am what might be. ”

“ i am mystery. ”

“ you know me. ”

“ when i appear it’s not so clear if i’m a simple spirit or i’m flesh and blood. ”

“ i am so alive. ”

“ i feed on the fear that’s behind your eyes. ”

“ i need you to need me. ”

“ it’s not gonna get better is it? ”

“ i am flame and i am fire. ”

“ i am destruction, decay, and desire. ”

“ i’ll hurt you. ”

“ i’ll heal you. ”

“ it’s not all about your comfort! ”

“ i’m your wish, your dream come true. ”

“ though you made me, you can’t change me. ”

“ i’m the perfect stranger whom knows you too well. ”

“ i’m right behind you. ”

“ you say forget, but i remind you. ”

“ you can try to hide, you know that i will find you. ”

“ ‘cause if you won’t grieve me, you won’t leave me behind. ”

“ if you try to deny me, i’ll never die. ”

MAKE UP YOUR MIND / CATCH ME I’M FALLING ( MEDLEY ).

“ walk with me. ”

“ okay, walking. ”

“ are you nervous? ”

“ make up your mind to explore yourself. ”

“ you have stories to tell. ”

“ we’ll search in the past, for what sorrows may last. ”

“ you come home from these sessions in tears. is this helping, or...? ”

“ the baby wasn’t planned, neither was the marriage. ”

“ but when the baby came, it all seemed to make sense. ”

“ make up your mind that you’re strong enough. ”

“ let the truth be revealed. ”

“ admit what you’ve lost and live with the cost. ”

“ at times it does hurt to be healed. ”

“ catch me i’m falling. ”

“ please hear me calling. ”

“ you told me that talking through your histopry feels like it’s about someone else. ”

“ catch me, i’m falling for good. ”

“ i couldn’t hold her in the hospital. ”

“ you want clarity. ”

“ that’s the first time you’ve mentioned ___ in weeks of therapy. ”

“ catch me before it’s too late. ”

I DREAMED A DANCE.

“ i saw you light up the ballroom with your sparkling eyes so blue. ”

“ i dreamed a dance with you. ”

“ you told me you would be true. ”

“ we spun around a thousand stars. ”

“ the dancers may disappear still the dance goes on. ”

“ i know the night is dying, dear. ”

“ i’ll wake alone tomorrow. ”

“ but now until forever love, i’ll live to dance with you. ”

“ i’ll dream, my love. ”

“ i’ll live my love. ”

THERE’S A WORLD.

“ a place where we can go where the pain will go away. ”

“ there’s a world where the sun shines each day. ”

“ there’s a world where we can be free. ”

I’VE BEEN.

“ well i wonder what comes now. ”

“ i know i have to help her, but hell if i know how. ”

“ every day this act we act gets more absurd. ”

“ all my fears just sit inside me screaming to be heard. ”

“ how could she leave me on my own? ”

“ i’m weary to the bone. ”

“ i was here at her side while she screamed, while she cried. ”

“ will it work? this cure? ”

“ i’ve never had to face the world without her by my side. ”

“ mine is just a slower suicide. ”

“ i can’t give up now. ”

“ i could never be alone. ”

DIDN’T I SEE THIS MOVIE?

“ didn’t i see this movie with mcmurphy and the nurse? ”

“ that hospital was heavy but the cuckoo’s nest is worse. ”

“ isn’t this the one where in the end the good guys fry? ”

“ didn’t i see this movie and didn’t i cry? ”

“ what makes you think i’d lose my mind for you? ”

“ stay out of my brain. ”

“ i know where this is going. ”

“ i have seen this movie and i walked out. ”

A LIGHT IN THE DARK.

“ tell me why i wait through the night. ”

“ why do i leave on the light? ”

“ you know, i know, our house was a home long ago. ”

“ take this chance ‘cause it may be our last. ”

“ let go of the past. ”

“ take my hand and let me take your heart. ”

“ i wake and wander the halls. ”

“ i can’t get through this alone. ”

“ take this chance and we’ll make a new start. ”

WISH I WERE HERE.

“ it’s like someone drained my brain out, set my frozen mind to thaw. ”

“ i am riding on the brightest buzz. ”

“ i am worlds away from who i was. ”

“ i have lived a life of clouds and gray. ”

“ this is crystal clear. ”

“ i imagine it’s remarkable. ”

“ i’m trying to enjoy it but i’m missing all the fun. ”

“ do i just disappear? ”

“ i’m good as gone. ”

“ i feel the burn but i don’t feel the pain. ”

“ have i blown my mind forever? ”

“ can i hide my stupid hunger? ”

“ fake some confidence and cheer. ”

SONG OF FORGETTING.

“ you don’t remember any of this? ”

“ do i really live here? ”

“ you don’t recall? ”

“ that day our child was born, our baby girl’s first cry. that gray and grizzly morn, i’ve never felt so high. ”

“ that day we met and shared two beers. ”

“ what a lovely cure, it’s a medical miracle. ”

HEY #1.

“ i’ve missed you these days. ”

“ i’ve been crazed. ”

“ you look like a mess. ”

“ thanks i guess. ”

“ are you clean. ”

“ wow coming from you... ”

“ you took it too far. ”

“ okay, how did it start? ”

“ don’t say that we’re over. ”

“ will you come to this dance with me? ”

“ i don’t do dances. ”

“ do this dance with me? ”

SECONDS AND YEARS.

“ a little loss of memory is normal. ”

“ i couldn’t give a flying fuck what’s normal. ”

“ we haven’t had a normal day in years. ”

“ do you still feel like your head is filled with concrete? ”

BETTER THAN BEFORE.

“ the memories are there somewhere. ”

“ well that’s how i remember it so that’s how it’ll be. ”

“ it was raining. it was portland. you eloped. ”

“ it’s a life we can restore. ”

“ here’s a pic of all us with smiles on every face and the photoshopping hardly even shows! ”

“ gonna get us back to normal. ”

“ maybe get us back to better than before. ”

“ did we crush somebody’s cat beneath the tire? ”

“ wait, you remember? ”

“ your life has kind of sucked, i think. ”

AFTERSHOCKS.

“ they’ve managed to get rid of me. ”

“ we shock who we can’t save. ”

“ they’ve cleared me of your memory and many more as well. ”

“ the headaches and the nausea will pass and you’ll endure. ”

“ your son is gone forever. ”

“ your son is gone forever though, of that the doctor’s sure. ”

“ the memories will wane. ”

“ the aftershocks remain. ”

“ you wonder which is worse, the symptom or the cure. ”

“ i’m gone without a trace. ”

“ but sear the soul and leave a scar no treatment can erase. ”

“ they moved me from your memory, i’m still there in your soul. ”

“ your life goes back to normal now, or so they all believe. ”

“ your heart is in your chest again, not hanging from your sleeve. ”

“ with nothing left to remember is their nothing left to grieve? ”

HEY #2.

“ so tomorrow’s the dance... ”

“ it’s annoying, i know. ”

“ let me know you again. ”

“ it’s already too late. ”

“ just shut up and listen. ”

“ there’s no way it’s too late. ”

“ you remind me of me. ”

“ you remind me of me and how fucked up i can be. ”

“ let’s start over, clean slate. ”

“ so don’t give up on me. ”

YOU DON’T KNOW ( REPRISE ).

“ my mind is still a mess. ”

“ my past is like the weather, it’ll come and it’ll go. ”

“ is it helping you remember? ”

“ he hasn’t much to say. ”

“ i don’t know, i don’t know where the fucking pieces go! ”

“ i don’t know how this started so i won’t know when it ends. ”

HOW COULD I EVER FORGET?

“ you drove too fast. ”

“ how could i ever forget? ”

“ they said to wait. ”

“ they never said we were too late. ”

“ but i was a child, raising a child. ”

“ then a moment of dread, someone simply said your child... is... ”

“ this was the moment my life was set. ”

“ that day that i lost you it’s clear as the day we met. ”

“ why do you want to remember the things that hurt you? ”

“ how did he die? why? why?! ”

“ he was sick. even the doctors missed it. ”

IT’S GONNA BE GOOD ( REPRISE ).

“ what was his name? please, tell me his name. ”

“ it’s gonna be fine, it’s gonna be fine. ”

“ jesus, dad! ”

WHY STAY? A PROMISE ( MEDLEY ).

“ why not simply give in and get on with living ‘cause everyone knows you tried. ”

“ enduring and coping and hurting and hoping for day after fucking day. ”

“ but somehow something died along the way. ”

“ why not simply end it? ”

“ all i know now to be true, is this promise that i made for you. ”

“ i will search for her nightly, if you see her please send her my love. ”

“ one day we’ll remember that joy. ”

“ that boy is long lost to me now. ”

I’M ALIVE ( REPRISE ).

“ i am old as time, forever young. ”

“ i am every sond that will stay unsung. ”

“ you can’t tame me. ”

“ this is one old game that i can play so well. ”

“ the medicine failed and the doctors lied. ”

“ i am death defied! ”

THE BREAK.

“ they told me chemistry, the juice and not the circuitry was mixing up and making me insane. ”

“ what happens when the burn has healed, when the skin has not regrown? ”

“ then you find the break was always in another bone. ”

“ what happens if the cut, the burn, the break was never in my brain or in my blood but in my soul? ”

“ what happens if the medicine wasn’t really in control? ”

MAKE UP YOUR MIND / CATCH ME I’M FALLING ( REPRISE ).

“ the treatment is strong but only lasts so long. ”

“ make up your mind that you’ll try again. ”

“ the one thing that’s sure is that there is no cure. ”

“ that doesn’t mean we don’t fight. ”

“ maybe the falling isn’t so bad after all. ”

“ watch me i’m falling. ”

“ stay with me, try again. ”

MAYBE ( NEXT TO NORMAL ).

“ maybe i’ve lost it at last. ”

“ maybe my last lucid moment has passed. ”

“ could be i’m crazy to go. ”

“ they say you should stay with the devil you know. ”

“ maybe i’m tired of the game. ”

“ i see me in you. ”

“ it’s so lovely you’re sharing, no really i’m all ears. ”

“ where has all this caring been for sixteen years? ”

“ for all those years i’d prayed that you’d go away for good. ”

“ when i thought you might be dying, i cried for all we’ve never be. ”

“ there’ll be no more crying, not for me. ”

“ things will get better you’ll see. ”

“ maybe we can’t be okay. ”

“ maybe we’re tough and we’ll try anyway. ”

“ we’ll live with what’s real. ”

“ let go of what’s passed and maybe i’ll see you at last. ”

“ we tried to give you a normal life. ”

“ i don’t need a life that’s normal, that’s way too far away. ”

“ something next to normal would be okay. ”

HEY # 3 / YOU’RE PERFECT FOR ME ( MEDLEY / REPRISE ).

“ you look like a star, a vision in blue. ”

“ oh, i do? ”

“ hey, you came! ”

“ i thought we were through. ”

“ will your mom be okay? ”

“ for now it’s all fine. ”

“ i might end up crazy. ”

“ i could end up your wife. ”

“ so you could go crazy, or i could go crazy, it’s true. sometimes life isn’t sane. but crazy i know i can do. ”

“ ‘cause crazy is perfect and fucked up is perfect. ”

SO ANYWAY.

“ so anyway i’m leaving, i thought you’d like to know. ”

“ we’d both go bad that way so here i go. ”

“ anyways i’m leaving, i guess that you can see. ”

“ i’ll try this on my own. ”

“ i’ll face the dread alone but i’ll be free. ”

“ with you always beside me to catch me when i fall, i’d never get to know the feel of solid ground at all. ”

“ with you always believing that we can still come through, it makes me feel the fool to know that it’s not true. ”

“ what doctors call dysfunction, we tried to call romance. ”

“ i’ll take a chance on leaving. ”

“ it’s that or stay and die. ”

“ i loved you once. ”

“ it’s time for me to go and so goodbye. ”

I AM THE ONE ( REPRISE ).

“ i am the one who loved you. ”

“ i am the one and you walked away. ”

“ now you tell me that you just don’t give a damn. ”

“ i am the one who’ll heal you. ”

“ i know that you told her that i’m not worth a damn, but i know you know who i am. ”

“ can’t you just leave me alone? ”

“ why didn’t you go with her? ”

“ i am the one who held you. ”

“ i am the one who cried. ”

“ i am the one who watched as you died. ”

“ i tried pretending like i don’t give a damn. ”

“ but you’ve always known who i am. ”

LIGHT.

“ we need some light. ”

“ you can’t sit here in the dark and all alone. it’s a sorry sight. ”

“ it’s just you and me, we’ll live you’ll see. ”

“ we’ve waited far too long. ”

“ day after day wishing all our cares away. ”

“ some hurts never heal. ”

“ some ghosts are never gone. ”

“ and you find some way you survive. ”

“ and you find out you don’t have to be happy at all. ”

“ give me pain if that’s what’s real. ”

“ it’s the price we pay to feel. ”

“ the price of love is loss but we still pay, we love anyway. ”

“ there will be light. ”

#ask meme #next to normal sentence starters #next to normal rp starters #next to normal ask meme #next to normal starters

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emanresusi-blog · 7 years

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Musings of schizotypals Pt. 1

L.G. - I have a sucky sensation inside. Now that I might break up (for my own mental health) with my boyfriend, I have a sucky realization. I have no friends. I have pushed people for years, stablished unhealthy relationships for years. Now everyone is gone, and I cannot retake relationships that I pushed away years ago. I feel lonely. C.B. - Maybe my impulses to criticize others are a way to avoid criticizing myself. I find myself wanting to tell people that no one cares about their stupid lives but now I realize that's just one of the negative things I used to tell myself. I stopped the stream of negative thoughts about myself. But the thoughts are still there, just waiting to be applied to something. I need to channel this inner critic into something more productive. I know it is a facet of who I am, just one that I misuse a lot. It must be able to do some good somewhere. Constructive criticism about myself and my behavior perhaps. I should meditate on this. I'm feeling good but strangely devoid of emotion simultaneously. Like, my outlook on life is a generally optimistic one at the moment even though I'm not specifically happy about anything. I told my friend that I felt like something more was developing in my mind towards her and she wasn't scared off, so maybe that's why I feel optimistic. At the same time, I feel oddly suspicious and paranoid about her as well. Suspicious of her motives in continuing to talk to me after I told her how I felt, and paranoid for her safety at times (she's blind and also the tiniest little bit naïve, in my opinion). Extending my locus of emotional openness doesn't come easily to me. I really bond with other people to the point that I feel a bit like I'm losing myself. I don't like that feeling, but I love bonding with individuals at the same time. I suppose I'm just a bundle of contradictory neurons wrapped in a skull lol A.C. - So I'm sat in my porch locked out bags packed after another of my alcohol induced binge dissapearing acts I know "only Self to blame" I was only out drinking and chatting nothing bad, but I guess I am selfish, selfishly anaware and selfishly inconsiderate with what I don't think through or when I act rash. Slowly I've become more of a loner and made a habit of losing things family, friends umm jobs, it doesn't feel normal or nice that I might just be a procrastinative, selfish/absorbed individual who can't really get any sort of balance in personal life. I care about making amends and living a normal family life it's just... I don't know. Everyone blames me and punishes me, I don't want a scapegoat for my mistakes but it's very confusing I think if I didn't do what I did I'd damage my self by suppressing it all inside would be worse that's not a justification just a thought. Maybe leading a stable life, to work full time, three kids and relationship is too much. S.C - I suffer from depression and anxiety...I feel sometimes that im different of others because i think i have a few particularities(including that i have only two friends).I often try to explain to some that i can catch thoughts & feelings from people that i know...In fact,from complete stangers too ...I just thought if someone here could uderstand me? And I would like to add that is it okay not to fear of losing my few friends?I am 14 and feel like a misfit..I can't recognize what i am and don't remember who i used to be. R.R. - I have a weird feeling that I'm gonna die soon. Lol. Awkward. 2 near death experiences for me and 1 for my mom. Meh. Now I'm walking around every day with intense anxiety, waiting for an accident to happen. 😢 C.S. - I'm not doing well. I'm emotional... I cried for like half an hour today and I usually don't cry. But I've been sick over something I can't talk about. Very paranoid and scared. Such ugly ruminating thoughts. Barely slept last night and I have such a headache but my mind won't shut off. For the first time in years I feel like punching myself in the head. I've been taking my pills regularly. I see the shrink on Thursday. Which means I have to get through two days of work... I've been mildly sick with a cold for the last week. Oh help! I just want to feel better. A.M. - Today I keep seeing characters from TV shows as people in public spaces (anyone else experienced this?) and there was a shadow man in my lounge. It's odd and not making me paranoid which is also odd. Usually when freaky brain shit happens paranoia activates. Side note; Who the hell puts dried apricot in a hot cross bun!? C.B. - Sometimes I have this urge to be rude to people I don't like. Or that I decide are, as narcissistic as this sounds, beneath me morally or intellectually. It makes me very nervous to confront people but sometimes I do it out of impulse. Like I have this parallel line of thinking that just criticizes the hell out of everything I see. I let it build up and then let it out when I reach a certain level of resentment at the world. Afterwords I feel no better. But it's like I have this good side and this bad side to me. The bad side is the worst me I can imagine: lazy, thoughtless, critical, apathetic, and cruel. The good side is the best me I can imagine: empathetic, supportive, passive, thoughtful. I realize that I internalize these values from my primary caregivers growing up, my mother and first stepfather. I can't see the value in my stepfather very well. Jung had this idea of the Anima and the Animus. One male and the other female. I've always identified my values with the feminine due to the fact that the only support I ever got growing up was from women. I never understood men. I never understood women either for that matter. But they were the people I tried to emulate growing up. I couldn't stand the thought of being like my stepfather or boys my age until I became a teenager. Then I copied my stepfather and began to hate a lot. To be cruel a lot. Because that's all I saw in him. These impulses must be that old behavior rearing it's head. I've always wanted to be my own person but I've never quite known how. L. G. - Okay so I am going to lay one of my biggest problems right now and see if you can help me even if it's just a Little bit because I have no clue :( I finished university last year. Everything fine. My father came to my room and asked me, "what do you want to do next year? you have to think it NOW" and clearly wanted me, pushed me to do oposiciones (this is how we call the process of studying to get a job in the public system). I did the course for oposiciones. I HATED IT. God damn how boring, bland, deadly! I cannot even study for it or understand what they do. But my parents are 100% into it and they don't even contemplate me leaving them. I have to act like I study on days like those because they are so into this, specially my father, who sees working in the public system as my only chance in life because I am schizotypal. You can ask me questions, I will answer if it hasn't been understood. Thanks for the help :) L.G. - This is a bit of a hard to ask question but I will ask anyway...do you have problems maintaining your personal care, etc...? Sometimes I do and my family makes shame of me :( although i think really I'm not that much of a disaster. I mean, now I take care of myself, it's not like when I was really bad where I wouldn't take proper care of myself. L. G. - Do you ever feel like you've got too much contained in your chest and feel like telling anyone about it? Like you had an urge to tell what's ailing you? I've got Friends to talk with but I have too much in my chest and everyone looks like a friend to me now... S.S. - Two things I learnt about myself recently 1 - I will never be able to do a 9-5 job. Because I am too impatient and get angry when someone tells me what to do. Also overthink everything and get bored with routine. The only thing I can do is my own boss and work from home alone.I need to be in control. 2 - I can't ever picture myself in a relationship. I recently met a woman a bit older than myself but we share lots of interests and get on well. But I'm beginning to feel smothered and under pressure to behave a certain way. I just want to be a free individual with no responsibilities. I wasn't born to be a pack animal, but to give others as much freedom as possible and for them to not bug me in return. C.B. - Anyone else feel really anxious when they talk to other people about personal issues? It makes therapy very difficult for me. I'm too nervous around my therapist to open up to him, to really talk about the issues I have. I always just spend the time in my "therapy mode" (where I act pleasant and nice and talk about minor issues to avoid the larger ones). I don't feel like anybody can really help me with some things, and that I would just be making whoever I was talking to feel bad. I want to be able to talk about my motivations, my relationships, my feelings but they make me feel pathetic. Sometimes I feel like less than a person, like I'm really just wearing a mask when I behave as a normal human does. Trouble is I don't know for sure who or what is under that mask. D.S. - Had an irrational mental breakdown in public again one of those crying and screaming in equal parts of anger, frustration and sadness... why am I so easily overwhelmed sometimes.. plus I look kinda scary afterwards.. the neighbors already peg me for weird as it is... all emotionally shutdown and stuff only secs later.. I dont know its always like that.. overemotional first and a few seconds later back to the void.. im done. Im turning 23 tomorrow and I just wish I could skip to my funeral instead.. yeah.. one of those days.. A.M. - Does anybody else wander through life aimlessly? Never really finishing things they embark on, barely following their interests and feeling as though they're waiting for something to shake enough life into them to align them with the dimension that is reality... Being a drifting alien is really getting to me lately, I didn't realise how meaningless I find everything or how far I have drifted from society. I am not referring to deppression btw. P.A. - There’s something that’s killing me inside and I would really appreciate getting it out in a post. I really hope I don’t sound like a total bitch. It’s to do with abandonment, which I hope some people here will understand. I feel so abandoned by my counsellor. It’s the closest relationship I have. I sent her a text a few weeks ago saying I was sad and I never heard back. It has been my psych ward “anniversary” and I thought she’d message me to ask how I am but no nothing. Now she’s just become a grandmother... I know because I’m friends with her son. They are all super excited and spending lots of time together. He is sending me photos of the new baby but it’s just making me even more upset. Why can’t I just be happy for them? I feel so bad and self-centred for feeling this way. I know this little girl will be spoilt rotten with love and I’m jealous, there’s no other word for it. I suspect this is triggering an ancient wound in me, a hole that I’ve never managed to fill. My friend wants to see me tonight but I’m just too upset to see him and I can’t explain to him why *hides under table* C.B. - Sometimes I feel like I am more comfortable being depressed than I am being happy. Being sad feels, I don't know, solid, constant, whereas happiness is a fleeting and ephemeral feeling. Because of this, I got used to lying to myself to make myself more depressed. Don't know if that makes any sense, but I used to love laying in bed and thinking terrible things about myself until I cried my eyes out. I guess I craved that sense of catharsis. These days, I realize that this isn't a healthy way of coping, but I still crave the cathartic feeling I used to get by working myself into a terrible place. I think maybe I crave intense release of emotion because I have a hard time letting go of emotions in the moment and I kind of bottle them up. I still crave that. It's odd, I suppose I'm working to integrate the disparate parts of my personality into a functioning whole. It's like the emotional part of me exists kind of parallel to the rest, separate but connected in form if not function. A.C. - I guess if you can't do anything consistently but your capable of being extremely creative which many are here. Your purpose in life is to create a masterpiece not stand in line and fit the system. S.S. - Got told I'm too much of a negative person earlier and that I should keep all my thoughts secret. But the truth is I only say about 10% of what's actually on my mind. I'm too truthful about my flaws. The last thing I wanna be is a fake who brags. I can't help who I am.

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imeugene · 5 years

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_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I wasn’t going to fan out on him. He was a lot smaller than I imagined, slim figure, a real quiet demeanor. Which is funny because his riding is well known to be the opposite; loud and vicious. He had no visible tattoos besides two small but very noticeable ones on the top of his hands. It yelled to me, “I don’t give a fuck” and here he was in front of me. I absolutely was not going to fan out on him. I definitely was a fan though. It’s that quiet demeanor. That I want to be left alone look about him. It’s his weathered face and eye, youth has definitely took a toll on him. I had this image of what he’d be like and somehow he subverted all that but also exceeded it. That phrase, “so punk it hurts” and you look at him and you got that.

My friend Omar was there, he doesn’t ride so he didn’t know who he was. It was so weird to see Omar oblivious to someone that will truly rest as one the greats in BMX. It was good though. I remind Omar that this guy was in the X-Games at one point and we geek about it. I don’t remember the interaction all too well. Most of it was small talk, the legend wasn’t exactly the friendliest guy. Not mean, just quiet. We were in the living room with the guy who I was staying with, who’s another BMX royalty. Omar knew that though. He did his google research when we were heading over there and I gave him some historical context but for whatever reasons I can’t remember, our middleman was gone and it was just us three. Me trying my best not to say whatever comes into my head. The pro maybe hoping that I don’t make this weird, I don’t know, I don’t know what it’s like to be him but I’m sure that happens and Omar oblivious to it all, just chilling on his phone. Our middleman was gone for too long. I think it was him who initiated the small talk. Our mutual buddy introduced us as riders I think and that we’re with him. Nothing new in this community and I want to say he asked where we were coming from. The next thing I remember was the look on his face when we told him that story.

Omar and I was traveling through the southwest coming from Los Angeles and heading to Florida. It’s a lot of desert and a lot of driving. Thoroughly enjoyed cause Omar and I both enjoy that type of slow burn travel, car driving can be. I don’t remember where cause the desert blends the landscape into one but somewhere in New Mexico or Arizona. It was night. The land was flat and barren. Thinking back on it, it was cool to be around that endless sand and pure darkness due to man’s inability to conquer those lands effectively, that’s what I like to think at least. Omar felt a certain resonance with the desert, it’s most definitely cause he’s Egyptian. Sand is in his heritage. Sand people will love the sand but it was the stars that he remembers. He always speaks of it.

We were in Death Valley the night before that incident, this was just stupidity. We setup camp. Omar says he’s going to take a nap. I wanted to take a hike to the mountains. It seemed easy enough because the land was so flat and easily navigable. No trees to get lost in. You see the mountain and you head there and you head back. I told him a few hours but he might’ve already passed out from trip exhaustion so I just walked. Little by little the mountain grew bigger. At a certain point I remember being at the step so I thought time to climb. I hate when people say I climbed a mountain cause I imagine ropes and nails being involved but it was just a steep hike up. I’d get to a certain point and I’d realize there was a higher mountain to be climbed so I continued. I’d get there and the same thing would happen. So I continued. At some point I got near the top and it was cold and windy. The peak was full of loose rocks and God knows how far I was away from camp. I looked behind and our camp was a speck. I looked in front and there were more mountains across the valley. I felt that it was possible to walk through that valley to get there too. A lot taller mountains. It kind of annoyed me, the "extreme” side of me that got me into this predicament but what are you gonna do? I just knew there was never going to be an end to this pointless pursuit so I sat down to smoke some weed. Which is really hard when you’re on top of a mountain and it’s windy as hell. I remember finding some small rock overhang type thing and laying down and trying to block the wind and smoke. Too bad the wind was seemingly blowing in every direction but it ended up working.

I’m a loner stoner. I heard that term somewhere and always felt that applied to me. I hate being around people when I’m doing all that. I don’t smoke anymore by the way, not relevant to the story but just a tid bit to throw in there. It was ideal though. Stoned on top of a mountain, away from everything. In a barren landscape, no distraction. Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me but as I get older I just accept myself for who I am. I’m not going to try to fight it anymore. I’m a proud loner stoner (not anymore). I remember praying up there like some Biblical story. I don’t remember what I prayed for but it was probably something very general. I don’t like to pray for specifics cause I feel like I’m being too needy. I do remember I asked for a sign if God was out there cause I do remember those Biblical stories. I waited probably all of 10 minutes and remember thinking how stupid I was to ask for that. Why the fuck does God have to entertain me? It was stupid. It was getting dark, I started to head back.

Remember that barren lands can’t get lost thing? Well it was dark and I couldn’t see in front of me. No civilization, no light. There was a bit of moonlight and starlight but starlight don’t do nothing. It was all disorientating. I remember thinking, I have to head in a straight line back to make it. If I can do that, I’ll be ok so that’s what I did. It was anxious cause once I got off the mountain there was no camp light speckle left so for a few hours I walked in the what seemed like absolute darkness in pure anxiety hoping I don’t get bitten by rattlesnake or scorpion. “This is why they call it Death Valley”, I was thinking. I stayed straight to my path and I got back but where was I?

The camp was gone. It looked like the spot but I wasn’t sure. Everything was gone. I checked around it definitely seemed like it was the right place. There wasn’t any other campground for like 10 miles or so and I definitely wasn’t that off. Omar was gone, so was my car, and everything I had. I remember there was a new camp sight being built up. I didn’t want to seem like some desert serial killer by heading to them directly cause I came out of seemingly nowhere so I waited until they were outside their tent to say something. I asked about the whereabouts of my camp and mentioned Omar. It’s always weird to use race as a way to describe people to white people. Amongst minorities, it’s whatever but race is very sensitive topic to white people. Normally I’d call him “tall Muslim dude” but I think I called him “tall Egyptian dude”, it seemed more PC. They told me he packed up the camp and took my car to the nearest station to use the phone and report me missing. I was gone for maybe 5 hours most. I politely thanked them for their time and began to curse Omar’s name repeatedly on top of my lungs for the next few minutes. Eventually I wore myself out and laid on top of the picnic table there. I didn’t want to be bitten by rattlesnakes or scorpions. It was cold, it’s very cold in the desert at night. I remember looking up and seeing the stars as clear as I ever saw them. It was quite a sight but the mixture of the temperature and unease of feeling stranded still lingered in my head. I couldn’t enjoy it fully. Eventually I saw a familiar car roll up and Omar got out, “Bruh I thought you were dead”. He reported me missing. We discussed if we should head back and tell them I was found but I think we both settled it was too far and we didn’t care enough. Apparently a group of Norwegian girls came wanting to party but Omar was too busy trying to find me to entertain them. God really is cruel sometimes. “What were you doing up there, trying to talk to God like Moses?”, Omar sarcastically said.

At this point it was me and Omar yelling over each other to trying to tell our viewpoints while simultaneously defending our own actions. Omar defending himself and myself still cursing his name. I must have repeated “it was five fucking hours” quite a few times that night. This BMX legend was throughly intrigued, his eyes were wide from taking it all in. That’s when I told him that story. “So we were driving at night in the desert and there was semi in front of us”. Omar started bursting out laughing uncontrollably right then, he knew exactly where this was going. The legend looks over to Omar still laughing maniacally, eyes still wide, not saying anything, actively listening.

So we were driving at night in the desert and there was semi in front of us. It was late at night. Must have been like 3AM. Omar was dead, not literally obviously, not asleep either, but in quiet sedation. I was on autopilot. It’s the desert and there’s no cars around ever besides this one semi so it wasn’t tough. At this point no one was talking, not cause of what happened earlier but we probably smoked ourselves stupid and only had minimum brain cells keeping us going. I was about 15 feet behind the semi truck. Some people like more distance but I’ve been driving in Los Angeles, there is no concept of distance there. Bumper to bumper. When you’re on autopilot that’s just what happens. “Hey pull back a little”, those were the first words out of Omar’s mouth in a while. “Why?”. “I don’t know just do it”, I remember thinking Omar gone smoked himself paranoid but out of courtesy I relented. Not because it was hard to do but I was too tired to deal with any type of special requests at this point. Even the most idle chatter felt like work. A few moments later the tire on semi burst.

The trailer slid around and narrowly missed hitting us by a few feet. My autopilot changed from cruising to life saving immediately and I had to dodge the large tire debris and the truck which came to an abrupt stop. If Omar didn’t tell me to preemptively to move back, we would have most definitely been destroyed by the trailer, maybe even dead I was thinking but we escaped it all without any scratches. We left the truck behind. Terrible thing but it didn’t flip and I was on flight mode. I look over to Omar and he was still awake with the same expressionless face he had before. He definitely witnessed all that happen but didn’t seem at all moved by our near death experience. “Yo.. we could’ve died”, trying to vent out some of the stress from what just happened, trying to figure out what happened. “I’m not afraid of dying man”, he told me. It was like that high school edgelord reply and it annoyed the shit out of me. “Dude! We almost could’ve fucking died, did you not see what just happened!?. “I’m not afraid of dying”, he said to me again in the same monotone voice and expressionless face. I’m pretty sure I ranted for a bit and he sat there unmoved. A day later, we were still driving in the desert, its endless after all and suddenly all at once it hit him and he burst out all crazy crazy. “WE COULD’VE FUCKING DIED WHEN THAT SEMI TIRE BURST AND TRAILER SWINGING!”, not his exact words but with that trademark fast pace, loosely jointed sentences and ideas, yelled at decibels way too high. Something I expected him to be immediately after it actually happened but a day later it seemed to late. At that point personally all the happenings subsided a bit but I was thinking all sorts of crazy around the surrounding details of what happened. Did God speak through Omar... I still don’t know. I like to think that is what happened. I gave him so much shit for playing hardman “I’m not afraid to die” shit and he’s over here having some sort of strange delayed mental breakdown over the incident. That we could’ve been two dead kids in some mortuary, thousands of miles away from home if it wasn’t for some strange sixth sense happening. Maybe enough of Omar’s brain cells finally recovered and it was finally processing what happened.

The legend didn’t have words. His mouth opened but nothing came out. His eyes focused on us. He had this look where he was taking it all in and Omar and I are still yelling over each other confirming what happened as absolute truth, one of the few moments we actually agreed. He believed us definitely but he was just like us, didn’t know how to really put all that into some type of logical understanding I think. Almost in a catatonic shock. I still don’t know what to think. I do believe though and when I saw him next time at the bar, the legend did say hey.

#listlo

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