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#extracold
cultheart · 3 years
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but i have a lover and i have a best friend, i’m doing well and i hope u listen to this... u’ll always be on my list of all the good things that i miss.
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my-angel-my-stars · 3 years
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something tells me that one day we will meet in a universe where you aren’t so selfish and i’m not so quick to just walk away. maybe in that universe you will love me until you can’t stand it and then love me some more. maybe in that universe you will make me feel like i come first to you. we both know that here, in this universe, i will only ever be a name on a long list of options that have never worked for you in the first place. you see, you’re the kind of person who has a bruise and presses into it over and over again just to feel something. kind of like how you hold on to lovers who have already broken you, yet you still except a different outcome. people can change, but i’ve come to realize that the kind of love that they have to offer almost never does.
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raine · 3 years
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i started wearing my seatbelt again
i know that doesn’t mean much but when all you think about is dying, taking an action to stay safe is improvement.
then the thing masking my pain ended up becoming another painful thing
i don’t wear my seatbelt anymore
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Maybe I should have kissed you that May evening when we were sitting in my car. You helped carry my things as I left for the last time and for a moment there was comforting silence as the sun slowly sunk into the sky. Maybe you could have been good for me, we could have been good; but as the song ended on the radio, so did the moment and I didn’t stop you when you left. I have a habit of running away when I get scared and I could blame it on a lot of things, like my parents who were never really in love, or the boy who made me feel so sad that I never wanted to leave my bed; but at the end of the day these are just excuses and I still wake up alone. I hope I didn't ruin that song for you and that you can still listen to it without a touch of sadness in the pit of your stomach and I hope you find that love that I never could have given you.
- I had to find myself first (via death-born-aphrodite)
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avanillaopus · 4 years
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How do you live with a mother whose idea of love is burning down bridges and then burning the ashes? How do you live in her house, constantly awaiting her next episode, staring at your bedroom door and waiting for her to burst through it? You go days without eating because you're terrified to go downstairs and you hope that this will help you shrink small enough to fit into your childhood hiding spots - all the places she'd never think to look. You cut your wrists, hips, thighs, any parts of your unloved skin that you can reach in hopes it will slow your breathing down before she hears you panicking - she's already reminded you once today that there is no room for weakness in her house. You smell burning again and get ready to bid farewell to another bridge, another memory, another part of your relationship that you'll never see again. You're not as bothered as you should be because in all honesty, there wasn't really a relationship or a bridge to begin with.
h.w
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lovvur · 3 years
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poem for @good-vibes-and-blue-eyes. hope this is okay !
it has been quiet here for a long, long time.
the wind here,
it cuts through me, chilling me deeply.
oh,
so deeply i almost forget that there was a time when i enjoyed this feeling,
reveled in it.
the sun pours through a sliver of clear sky,
just for a moment,
before it slides away behind the clouds.
i remember when the sun would wake me in the morning,
and i know,
i enjoyed this, too.
but the sun has not woken me up in years,
and i am so often cold now, it is hard to remember ever being warm.
in quiet moments,
i sometimes wonder if i should have been a faery,
think that maybe the universe made a mistake with me,
if only because i am more spite than love.
more malice than kindness.
i worry that people can tell how raw i am on the inside;
my taut skin cut open to reveal such fragile, fragile bones.
and here,
where the wind is so frozen and the sun is so shy, the blood flows and it never stops.
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maryaetlart · 5 years
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can’t cry over you anymore
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If the day comes when the heavens open and the earth beneath our feet cracks, if all the sins of creation are released unto humanity and everything around us erupts into flames, we will stand together, your hand in mine until the bitter end.
A.M
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wavey-bella · 5 years
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I am no longer losing sleep over those who were & are too weak to love me properly.
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alwaysssorry · 5 years
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I could go on and on for eons about the love for myself that it took to end our life.
Write book after book about how I tired of tearing my limbs off to please you.
I've tried so terribly hard to keep my love inside my body,
and all this hurt locked in my chest,
and my selfish desires for freedom and being respected
tucked away deep inside me.
Just like how my shorts weep in my dresser drawer.
But my bones are breaking and from each crack pours a river
of everything I’ve ever wanted to say.
How I hate the way you’ve always treated me like I was a new house,
that needs to be kept clean and pristine,
and is owned by you.
How I see the earth doused in love like gasoline
and I want to light it on fire,
but I can tell all you want is to wipe it off.
How I think his hair looks exceptionally soft.
You never could’ve been forever.
You’ve had impermanence written on your forehead in blood since I met you,
and I was just too blind to see how it was growing redder with each day
and each step I took towards you.
Dripping down your face and pouring from your sink faucet nostrils.
I can’t worship evil like you do.
My feet grow upwards out of adoration and my head rests in clouds of compassion.
And you are not deserving of any of it.
And you never have been.
Your laugh sounds like the crack of a whip against my back,
and I don’t live in it anymore.
The sweet strawberry scent of angels billow around me,
and my head has never hurt so violently from contentment as it does right at this moment.
For once I’m suffocating my own self with love,
Pouring it down my nose and down my throat and into my eyes,
until it comes seeping back out my ears.
And for the first time in 17 years I feel entirely worthy.
My own care tastes as sweet as the ripest berry in the Garden of Eden,
and my own arms wrapped around my body are soft as lily petals.
lily petals. 1//10//19
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rachelmichael · 5 years
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cultheart · 3 years
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i hope they’re home for u, even though i had to lose u. for u to find who fills ur heart, even if i’m not the one u choose
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my-angel-my-stars · 3 years
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i find myself still touching my lips as my brain reminds me that it takes 7 years for your skin to renew itself, so it doesn’t matter how many people i kiss between now and then. these lips will still have touched yours, and i don’t know how to deal with the fact that one day my body will forget you but my heart never will.
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raine · 3 years
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sometimes you just want validation from the people that brought you into this world
but when you don’t get it, you look for it in lovers
people who can fill that space for a short period of time, but can’t bring you the satisfaction that love from a parent would
by then you’re just hurting people in the way your parents hurt you and you end up in more pain than before.
because you’re just as bad as them.
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hazyaffection · 6 years
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this to say: i can’t remember anything but i remember the hurt
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avanillaopus · 4 years
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It feels the way it felt last time. The acrid stench of burning fires everywhere fills my nostrils and I can't help but notice that I'm repeating myself. I suffocate underneath good and bad days because no matter what I do, it doesn't make much of a difference. Purposely, I leave dirty handprints on every surface I touch, black mould between every crack, and I am running out of clean air to breathe. I fall asleep. I hope for it to be eternal.
h.w
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