I want to be gentle with myself but these thoughts are violent.

— 09/28/23, anastasiasyah

did you have good day today? did you wear that one sweater you always said you loved? is your hair still long? how’s your mom? did you ever get that tattoo? do you still think about me? how’s your little brother? do you still listen to that one band? do you still think about that day? do you know that i still do? can we have one more summer together? have you forgotten everything?

before i sleep.

Will I ever possess the softness I pretend to have?

— Fray Narte

Gif from: Stealing Beauty (1996) // Dir. Bernardo Bertolucci

Will you kiss me tonight?

Will you be tonight every moon and star in my sky?

Will you make forever memories on my skin?

Will you brand me with your fire?

Will you hold me in your arms until I forget everything but you?

Will you make me yours in body as I am yours in mind and soul?

e.v.e.

You are enough. Thinking about you, I mean. Until that day comes when my mind is feeble enough to recall even parts of you, until then I'm satisfied with fondly remembering you. I'm content to just miss you when I love you. When the details all begin to fade, I would still remember the feeling they left. When you are no more a person I can find strength to imagine, I'll resort to looking myself in the mirror. Where I am is where you are. And there you are, in the cloud behind my eyes. All that I see, clear or not, is all that you show me. And you've shown me such wonders in life, everything else falls short before it. I see you all the more when I fail trying to see. Half of me, is the whole of you. The whole of me, is the whole of you. I love you. I always do.

~nt

If I could I would

Read all the chapters of your life

Down to the page, to the word

Where we meet

I want to learn you

I want to see your points-of-view

I want to know what and what not to do

But I also want to see if I can be

Me with you, without pretending

Without withholding

I want that, I want you.

- if you could, would you read my book too?

unfinished rought draft

When I was young, I wanted to save the world. Now that I'm older, I want to save myself.

— 01/02/24, anastasiasyah

for @nosebleedclub jan 3rd 2024 prompt.

my heart flutters like moth wings, once caught flightless on ice cold fire it’s forever looking for the kiss of the flames, the softest, kindest, slowest way of dying so that i may rest in a chest that’s not my own — yours, would you leave flowers on my tomb, once more? virginal white jasmines, if you remember — the color and predisposition of a ghost. would you kiss my resting ground, softening under torrential poems? would you say a made-up prayer? (my lover, who art in heaven) would you love me again if death is my rebirth, my second coming, how angels weep right next to me, how they break over my sorrows — pathetic bodies made of light, but they never burn, they never crash like fading embers. my heart’s still caught on ice cold fire, it flutters, wingless i arch in my quiet aching, godless, limbless — i’m sorry i’m made this way. in heaven, god fucked up for the first time twenty five years ago, he can take me back tomorrow for all i care but would you pick me, take me back and kiss me, bathe me in biblical oil (even if it kills me once more?) if i promise not to die once more?

— fray narte, "going insane in october" | written november 1, 2023, 5:11 PM

photo screencapped from: saltburn (2023) // dir. emerald fennell

I will not hold close to my breast anything that does not desire to be in the embrace of my arms. I will not kiss your lips if you turn your face away from mine. I will open my arms and let you drift and say farewell. But if you hold me tight and look into my eyes and let me see the truth of what lies your heart, I will remain yours as I have ever been since the day you said you wanted your hand in mine, and this life we will live and share, walking side by side, a pure magical bond forged, and sustained by our will to love.

e.v.e.

Those little details about life that no one cares about, I do. I do too much infact. It consumes me, or rather I consume them. That's what I do to keep living. And on a good day, it's easy to hide it behind a kind smile. But on a bad day, I'm a bad news to even myself. I feel. I feel things a little too deeply. And that's because I care. I live, breathe and love like that. I've known no other way. So tell me, am I too much trouble to love? Do I not deserve someone who reads me for who I am?

~nt