i cannot believe Sesshōmaru actually said, straight to Inuyasha’s face, “The one that killed Kikyo was Naraku, and the one who wasn’t able to save her was you, Inuyasha.”

I AM REELING. had to cover my eyes—pause the tv. idk how Inuyasha will ever recover.

I'm holding on to something the show wouldn't put eddie in the middle of buck and Tommy's date if they weren't thinking of buddie cause otherwise that's just cruel. Also would be hilarious if they make is similar to chenford but I doubt it cause buck isn't gonna be comfortable at all but it's a nice entertaining thought

Also side not, the show knew about bi buck yet they keep promoting with both Ryan and Oliver and having the whole I love you to the core and closer then ever shitshow that nearly broke us. That is pretty telling? Or is it the clown make up talking?

Okay, everything about Tommy and Buck getting together can be made about Eddie, even the conversation that they are having before the kiss, and Eddie is also brought up after the kiss, so, like, there has to be a reason why all Buck has to do now is take a good look at Eddie to be like oh! and have that realization about what he wants. I don't think they are gonna be making it something similar to chenford mostly because it seems like Tommy is paying for the dinner when Eddie shows up, so it's not like Eddie and Marisol are gonna sit down with them, and also it seems like Buck is gonna hide the fact that the thing with Tommy was a date at least for a little while and he looks uncomfortable, so I don't see them playing it that way, I think it's gonna be something else to keep the "triangle" going, because they keep putting the 3 of them in a triangle shape and it is absolutely insane that Eddie is gonna be attached to the first kiss and the first date for Buck and Tommy. And, well, the clown makeup is tattooed at this point, bi Buck puts us at least halfway there on the way to buddie canon. Buck needs to learn to love himself and I think that's the point of it all here, I think Tommy is just a catalyst, they wouldn't put that much focus on the way Buck and Eddie are going to be each other's most important relationship this season if it was going to be a triangle with Marisol in a tangent there. And honestly, to have them get closer and Buck settles into being bisexual and Eddie is Eddie, loving him unconditionally, and yk, this actually makes them work on their communication, is a nice set up for Eddie to figure out he's queer and then have them find their way to each other. I'm chilling, dude, kicked my chair back and I'm enjoying the ride. To be fair, I did go through all stages of grief multiple times in the past 18 hours, especially considering the fact that I haven't been able to sleep, I experienced the whole spectrum of human emotion, no cap, but in the end, the idea of making Buck bi and not giving us canon romantic buddie is laughable for me at the moment, bisexual Buck IS a step in the right direction, no matter how Buck got to the realization, so yeah, I think it's pretty telling. This is happening, guys, there's no way it isn't.

Sam's Gap Year (Season 8)

A lot of fans had a huge problem with Sam's actions between the end of Season 7 and the beginning of Season 8. Was it believable that Sam would simply "abandon" his brother like that? Was it selfish, contemptible?

Sam Believed Dean Was Dead & in Heaven

First, let's set the stage. It's not unreasonable for Sam to believe that Dean & Cas were basically vaporized at the end of season 7. They'd enacted a spell that was supposed to kill the head Leviathan, the head Leviathan exploded, and Dean & Cas vanished. When Sam tries to grill Crowley about it afterwards, Crowley seems completely unsurprised by this turn of events. He says, casually, that God weapons usually have "a bit of a kick." He says he can't help Sam — in a tone that implies that no one can — and that Sam's "well and truly on [his] own" now.

With nothing else to go on, and reeling from Crowley's suggestion that this was all quite foreseeable, Sam concludes (pretty reasonably) that Dean is dead — that the Leviathan-killing weapon operated via a balanced action-reaction that was deadly to the wielder, much like we'll later learn about the Trials.

Sam never doubted that Dean would go to Heaven when he died. So, once he connects the dots above, it follows logically that Dean must be at rest. (Even if Dean hadn't been a hero in the rest of his life, it'd be reasonable to assume that whoever used this weapon would be granted an automatic place in Heaven... A weapon of God that hinges on self-sacrifice to save the world seemingly guarantees that, if you believe in a just God.)

A Comparison to Earlier Reactions

When Dean dies at the end of season 1, John can't take losing both his wife and his son, and — in a desperate act — he condemns his own soul to Hell to restore Dean's life. Dean feels unworthy of this sacrifice. He's wracked with guilt at the thought that he's not only caused his father's death, but his eternal suffering. However, Dean's spent his whole life worshiping and emulating his father. So, when Sam dies and Dean feels the same desperation John had, he follows his father's example. This is partly because Dean aspires to what he sees as John's heroism and partly because Dean doesn't see his own life as worthy of John's sacrifice, so this is his way of making that sacrifice worthwhile: passing the life that's saved on to Sam.

However, the largest part of Dean's motivation is, arguably, that Dean doesn't know how to live without Sam, especially in a world that no longer holds his father. Dean's life has long revolved around keeping his brother safe. Family in general (and Sam in particular) gives Dean a reason to live. Without Sam, life seems meaningless. Dean justifies his deal by reasoning that Sam's life is worth more than his, but the truth is that Dean is more afraid, in that moment, of life without his brother than he is afraid of death & Hell.

Then, at the end of Season 3, Dean pleads with Sam not to follow in his footsteps. However, in the wake of Dean's death, Sam is experiencing the same cocktail of grief & guilt that drove Dean to his own sacrifice, and he attempts to make the same deal. When it becomes clear that these efforts are doomed to failure, he becomes fixated on obtaining revenge or dying in the process (with an early preference for "dying in the process").

Some (but not all) of these emotional wounds are healed when Dean returns from the dead. Then, in Season 5, it's Sam's turn to die — this time, in an act of self-sacrifice that's designed to save not just his brother but the world. He pushes Dean to promise that he'll retire from hunting & pursue his own happiness, and he makes it clear that Dean should not make any attempt to resurrect him like he did in Season 2. He wants Dean to have closure. He wants Dean to be able to move on & have a life after he's gone. We're robbed of seeing Sam's true reaction to finding out that Dean didn't give up on him because Sam's soulless at the time of that revelation, but from what we know of Sam, it seems reasonable to surmise that he'd be at least somewhat frustrated/exasperated at Dean's inability to close the book on him.

Given that, it's not terribly surprising that Sam tries to take his own advice at the end of Season 7 and let go.

But... is there more behind Sam's actions here than just Sam striving for a healthier reaction to grief? I would argue yes.

Continued here: Part 2

I was feeling mostly negative when I first watched s2 but then quite honestly seeing you post about it has made me feel more positive overall like actually it’s all true. vibes based season. must a show be ‘good.’ like I do hate it but also I don’t. etc. anyway you Get It exactly which has allowed me to be more shall we say, “fuck it we ball.” about this whole experience. which. if you tried to explain any of this to me circa 13 years old i would simply dead screen. and now I have gone through all the stages of grief plus some secret extra ones & im just Experiencing these category 5 Experiences. the world is beautiful and strange. and also terrible. but as they say. “fuck it we ball.” or something

or something!!!

Games Are Enjoyable To Get Into

Games aren't a home hobby for your super-nerdy any longer! Today the game playing sector is as large (and profitable) as other leisure press like Hollywood or perhaps the Television set networking sites. There are actually video games available for gamers of each stripe, from the die hard simulator enthusiast to the casual gamer who would like to destroy a few minutes (plus some bad guys) in her phone. If you are a parent or gaurdian, make sure you examine the ESRB reviews on the video game before you make a purchase for your personal youngster. Several games consist of some very bloody instances and a horrible words and sex innuendo. Should you be anxious above your son or daughter experiencing this stuff, learn the rankings method and get accordingly. Consider video game splits. Being placed in the identical place for too long may be hazardous to your state of health. Power yourself every single 30 minutes going to that pause button and move across the place for any little bit. This will aid your whole body as well as obvious your mind. Actively playing games is a wonderful way to chill out right after a hard day at work or in school. Don't permit a tricky stage on the video game detract out of this soothing activity. Including the most seasoned gamers a while need a cheat code to assist survive through a remarkably tough level. On the Internet, there are many great sites that provide cheat codes and strategy tutorials for various video gaming. Should you can't work through a particular stage, shut down all sound, be it the in-game seems or songs you have wear. This will help to truly concentrate on exactly what is going on before you and you may have a better chance of progressing within the video game. Persistence can be your good friend in terms of purchasing games. Even though most large-label games get released with premium prices, their costs will tumble speedily after some time. Holding out a couple of months can rating you major cost savings. As an extra, it is possible to pick up much better types (such as development pack content material) when you maintain away from just a little although. Don't perform games for more than a few hours daily. Enjoying games could become obsessive, and that means you must take control of your publicity. Make your video gaming just to 3 or much less hrs per day. If you opt to surpass to limit, give both hands a break every so often. When purchasing games for your personal youngsters, think about their passions. There are autoclick.vn on the market given that your daughter, who loves ponies, will get an exciting online game just together with your son, who enjoys army games. Look at video gaming retailer and inquire the clerk for game playing recommendations for all passions. Maintain posture in mind although taking part in your online games. If you engage in online games within a sitting down situation, it is crucial that you avoid slouching and look after healthy posture. If a lot more lively online games are the issue, be sure you expand and consider splits. This will assist keep you from getting online game-associated accidents. If you're enjoying a game on the internet, and you stumble upon yet another player who seems to be aggravating other players (or you, in particular) deliberately, don't take it personally. This is called "Griefing," and it's the gaming same as Web trolling. Griefers are simply out for negative interest, and you provide them with what they're looking for if you communicate with them. Don't get on an emotional level purchased what's happening and just attempt to dismiss it. With a little luck, this information has provided a small amount of clean details on the subject of online games. The viewers for today's video games is really as large because the population itself. Gentlemen, women, young boys, and young girls are all experiencing on their own with one of these digital entertainments. The buzz of the game titles only continues to grow, creating this kind of information more and more beneficial.

物の哀れ ~ ( the sadness of things )

( Note : This is just a personal post for myself. I’m trying to just make a record of how the fic was conceived and all that I experienced, writing this fic ) 

Inspiration :

So, I ran into an article on Japanese words and I was incredibly fascinated by the phrase , Mono no aware or the pathos of things : Basically the sadness of things. It was a very unusual concept to me because it could be interpreted in so many ways. 

A little bit of digging around made me realize that some people linked it to the cherry blossom season where the flowers come into full bloom and add such a delicate beauty to the landscape. But of course, being seasonal, the beauty lasts for a very small time. The flowers die and their life ends . 

its fleeting and passes by quite soon.  So the sadness of things is basically how, the fact that something is fleeting or seasonal or about to end, should not take away from our enjoyment of things. Because yes the cherry blossoms die but people still flock to watch the cherry blossoms. 

The phrase came to me at a very troubled time in my life. 

My mother’s sister passed and she had raised me for a few years. I loved her deeply and she was only a couple of years older than my mother. Death was a thing that I had always viewed in abstract. The loss of a loved one was not something I had experienced on a very personal level, so it shook me.

 And of course, being the person I am , I did what I always do when I get overwhelmed : Research. 

I combed through reddit forums on grief, through blogs written by people who had lost loved ones , through blogs by psychotherapists, through online websites offering grief counselling and everything I could think of.

What fascinated me were two things :

 1. ) The non linear nature of healing ~ the stages of grief is a myth. Nobody goes through stages of emotional turmoil and then magically becomes better. 

By the way the whole stages of grief was formulated with reference to a terminally ill person coming to terms with their own death .

 So, it couldn’t really be applied to people dealing with the loss of a loved one. At least not directly.

And the second, one, 

2.) The very personal nature of grief ~ depending on how the relationship with the lost one is, grief varies. I realized then that only someone who had lost a loved one would know what its like. No one else could ever possibly understand the grief and pain that comes from loss.

As Heejin says in the sadness of things,” I would never know what his loss was like, because I would never know what he lost.” 

 It gave me a whole new perspective on how grief at the end of the day has to be a personal journey of healing , one that no one else can help you through. You need to live and hurt through every excruciating second of it. 

 There’s still so much I want to say about this but I’ll stop here. I’ll probably add to this as days go by. But yes, this wasn’t a fic that i wrote on a whim. It was something of a research project for me. An exploration of grief and healing. 

Thank you for joining me in this journey. It was definitely one of the most fulfilling ones I’ve ever had. 

  The Story :~

You can read it here :

⋆⋆✵ 物の哀れ ( ‘the sadness of things’.)  ✵⋆⋆

Chapter 1  ⋆  Chapter 2  ⋆  Chapter 3  ⋆  Chapter 4  ⋆  Chapter 5  ⋆

Chapter 6  ⋆ Chapter 7   ⋆  Chapter 8.  ⋆ Chapter 9.    Chapter 10.

Extra Drabble

Completed.

Alpha! Jungkook x Omega ! OC.

ABO Dynamics.

Genre : Arranged Marriage / Temporary contractual Marriage.

Warnings : Non- Con/ Extremely Dubious Consent . High functioning alcoholism. Genre related consent issues. Implied suicidal thoughts.

Summary : A recently widowed Jungkook agrees to a contract marriage to keep his company afloat. His grief overwhelms him and it is hard to look at his new wife as anything other than an intruder .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The characters :

Oh, boy. 

 I could go on about these two for years. 

 Jungkook and Heejin. 

Let me start with Jungkook : 

Jungkook in the fic came to me as a very troubled young man. In the fic he starts off as a very depressed young man. The opening scene of him staring listlessly into a bowl of cereal while his friends talk to him and Heejin just watches if from my own experience with depression in 2017. 

I would be numb in my body and mind with no idea what was going on around me and it seemed like everyone made all the choices for me while i just flowed along. It was a battle getting up in the morning. I had nothing to look forward to. Nothing to hope for. 

So Jungkook , depressed and confused and reeling from loss is our hero. 

Our main man. 

The one I wanted you guys to root for. 

The one I wanted you guys to see yourself in, in those moments when your pain and trauma changes you. 

When you’ve always been a soft spoken, kind hearted person but suddenly the pain overwhelms you and you just want to scream the place down. You want to hurt and hurt and hurt because you’re hurting and you don’t know how to process it. 

Jungkook’s journey is fraught with pain, endured and inflicted . He loses himself and his identity. 

He’s a CEO, a father and a husband and he can’t be any of those things, because of his grief. So there it was the three things I wanted him to find and love and enjoy by the end of the fic  :

His career doing something he loves :

Fatherhood raising the daughter he was blessed with : our lovely mina who I modeled on my own daughter ( and loved just as much ) 

and finally,

 A Love that was unconditional and beautiful. That maybe new and different from what he had lost in his wife but just as, if not more fulfilling. 

And so I stumbled into the woman who forever changed the way I perceived myself : Lee Heejin. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Writing Heejin in this fic is so cathartic for me.

For years, I’ve been her. The voice of reason, the one to compromise. I would be the one every single person in the family would call , anytime anything went wrong.

Kind. Smart. She’ll know what to do.  She’ll never say no. She’s always laughing. So witty. She’s so funny.

The phrases just blur in my head. I’ve been this emotional punching bag for people for so long. I had a very abusive father and honestly no one was there to listen to me talk about him. If i tried, they would always ask me  what I did to make him behave that way.

So , if you think Heejin is a pushover, that she’s giving too much of herself to people who don’t deserve.....just know that sometimes, saying no and standing your ground is a privilege not everyone can afford. And because I’d been there i understood her.

That isn’t all she is though. She is also someone who  knows that she doesn’t deserve to be treated that way. At no point in the fic does Heejin see Jungkook’s actions as anything other than the abuse it is and for that i will always be proud of her. 

Heejin’s healing is much more complicated. She isn’t really healed at the end of the fic...because to be honest , I’m not healed and I don’t know what its like to be ....But she is on the path to it, and that’s what matters. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Umbrella Academy Season 3 Episode Titles Analysis

Now that the episode titles for season 3 have dropped, I’ve spent the last few days wondering and theorizing just what they could mean. Most of what I’ve gotten so far rests on symbolism, headcanons, potential theories and a lot of googling, but we all need some way of staying sane until season three drops, right?

Now this is just what I’ve come up with so far, I could be massively wrong in all of these, but these are just my predictions based on what I know of the characters and plot so far, previous ways of naming episodes and the very little I know of the comics.

Meet The Family

Now this one is very self-explanatory and we’ll most likely get to know our birdies very well in this episode. We’ll probably be seeing a flashback to the Sparrows as children fighting crime - maybe already being better at it than their Umbrella counterparts were when they first started.

I’m hoping that we’’ll see another montage of introducing the siblings as adults like we saw in season one with our Umbrellas - which had been so helpful to me at the time as I had started watching the show about a week before season two dropped. I had known absolutely nothing about the show when I started, I had only clicked on it because Robert Sheeran was in the card as Klaus with his pink umbrella and I thought he was pretty. I became a massive fan all because I had thought Robert was pretty and I was bored.

So yeah, I loved the initial introduction montage of the siblings as it helped me figure out who was who quickly without wasting time. And I think that doing something similar for the Sparrows will also help give a better and quicker insight into their personalities and how they work when we see them in episode one.

The World’s Biggest Ball of Twine

If you google ‘ball of twine’ it does mention that this is an archetype for an odd roadside attraction. Now if we’re going literal here, there are plenty of such attractions in the States, including one of just this in Texas, where our dysfunctional family had been last season. Maybe an indication of a road trip or even them fleeing the Sparrows and New York in order to regroup and figure out their next step without the birds circling in?

Ball of twine can also mean wrapping really strongly around something, especially as the material mentioned is usually very strong and durable. A ball of wool isn’t the episode title after all. Now this could mean maybe a family or an emotional issue that is massively at play here. Or more likely, the Umbrella’s and more specifically Five, are trying to figure out their exact steps and actions in the 60′s and just how badly they changed the past and future, both in the general sense of the world and for their own personal lives.

Ball of Twine can also mean wrapping around something tightly, so maybe a trap is being put in place or enacted. Either for the Umbrellas by the Sparrows, or the Umbrellas are trying to lure their counterparts into a trap to regain the upper hand.

Pocket Full of Lightning

Now the first thing that comes to mind when I think of this title is something like this being described or mentioned regarding a character and their abilities. Now the characters that come to mind immediately when referenced to this are either Vanya or Christopher. Or maybe it may have something to do with a team-up, more than likely the Sparrows and what can happen when they team-up and combine their powers.

But lightning also has a lot of symbolism in many different societies and periods and in all honesty, I feel like I have to mention this. Symbolism includes but isn’t limited to: illumination, destruction, punishment, inspiration and revelations. Lightning is also highly associated with the King of the Greek Gods Zeus. Maybe Marcus or Reginald?

Marcus is after all described as a natural leader after all, gaining perhaps a Zeus like image in the public eye?

Whereas Reginald on the other hand would definitely see himself as being as King and acts like it at times, using his children as his soldiers to advance his agendas. Zeus isn’t a very kind or forgiving God either so unlike Marcus maybe this has something to do with the Hargreeves patriarch?

Kugeblitz

Thank you Tumblr for having already given me the definition for this episode title when I had first found out the episode titles so I know that it means a black hole formed from radiation.

Luther and Five when I think of this title in terms of its definition a kugeblitz has me thinking of both space and science, as both topics are highly associated with these characters. Black holes have ties to space which Five who’s powers are teleportation and Luther who spent four years up in space both have ties to a title like this.

But of course we can’t forget the actual alien in the family Reginald Hargreeves. A black hole could be a reference as to what happened to his original planet, or maybe signalling a potential threat later on in the season. Will it cause another apocalypse or a warning for an alien invasion perhaps?

But it also might have links to a well known Umbrella Academy villain, Dr Terminal. I haven’t read the comics so I will admit to a lack of knowledge on this villain although I will Google him later. But as the season will be focusing on the Sparrow Academy and potentially any previous villains, Dr Terminal seems to be the most well known in the fandom and thus the most likely to make an appearance, whether in flashbacks or in person. A few people here seem convinced that this episode title will have something to do with him in some form.

Kindest Cut

When I think of this episode title, my first thought goes of course, to Diego. People can often get cut with knives and they are of course Diego’s preferred weapon of choice.

Maybe however they are referring to another powered sibling and what harm their abilities can cause. Top contenders after Diego of course, are Vanya whose power we know can cut after seeing what she did to Allison at the end of ‘The Day that Was’ in a moment of anger.

But if we go with the Sparrows then Alphonso is at the top of my list. His character sheet is mentioned as him bearing the scars from his years of crime-fighting. His power is assumed to be the voodoo from the comics and if he can transfer the injuries he obtains or inflicts on himself to others, this may be what this title means.

But, and this theory I think is the one that I’m most obsessed with right now, is that the episode title could be an adaptation of the saying ‘unkindest cut’. The definition for this is ‘a cruel or devastating injury or insult inflicted on you by a supposed friend’. 

If we go by current timeline we’re in then my money is that Five may be joining the Sparrows either under duress or having worked out an agreement with Reginald that his siblings would be spared if he did. Only his family might not be aware of what Five has planned and agreed to and would only see the apparent betrayal of what they have all gone through together as a family. Of only seeing their brother join the team that probably want them dead.

But this betrayal may also be coming from the Sparrows and Sloane perhaps. Sloane is an inverse of Five in a sense in that while Five is driven by his desire to save his family, Sloane often feels like hers are holding her back from experiencing her dream of leaving. Maybe she betrays the Sparrows in some way by letting an opportunity to capture the Umbrellas flee or seeking them out as allies.

Marigold

According to what I can glean from the comics, marigold refers to the balls of light that eventually became the 43 super-powered children. So could we be getting an explanation as to how these supers came to be and why?

But like with episode three’s episode title, I can’t not mention the symbolism connected to this title. Marigolds often have conflicting symbolism today. In modern western society their bright colours often have them being associated with the sun and positive emotions and energy such as happiness, optimism and good luck. Not what I think the episode will be about.

But on the darker side of things, which is something that I do think has more ties into what to expect, is that they also refer to jealousy, grief, despair, mourning and cruelty. It is a flower associated with death and the Day of the Dead in Mexico and is said to offer protection from evil spirits. This connection with death is what I first thought of when I saw the episode title and the most obvious character associated with Death is none other than our ghost-boy Klaus Hargreeves.

Klaus as a character has a lot of ties to death naturally and I did see a post on here describing how Klaus will be entering the fourth stage of grief which is depression for both Ben and Dave during season three. This makes sense as they are now both gone in a way that not even his powers can reverse nor can he summon their spirits. Marigolds can often symbolize a despaired love and strong passion as well as well as pain and grief, so it could be a reference to Klaus’ depression over permanently losing both his closest brother and his love. But the main reason I do think that this episode does tie in heavily with Klaus is that it’s a mid season episode and so far that’s usually when Klaus undergoes most of his development. Maybe it’ll continue that way in season three.

Of course if Marigold will also represent a despaired love there are other options in the Umbrellas other than Klaus and Dave: Diego with both Eudora Patch (who is possibly still alive in this timeline) and Lila Pitts still bouncing around the timeline. Allison dealing with leaving her 60′s husband Raymond Chestnut and maybe trying to track down her ex Patrick to find out what happened to daughter Claire in this timeline and Vanya with love Sissy Cooper. Or maybe even Five and Dolores or possibly a love interest for Luther could be a reference to this title. 

Explaining how the Umbrella and Sparrows came to be wouldn’t take the whole episode giving us time for some potential (doomed) love.

Auf Wierdershen

This is very likely to be a Klaus focused episode, even if Marigold isn’t.

The episode title is German for goodbye and Klaus is the character most associated with Germany. Klaus is the only character to have spoken German during the shows events so far and his name is of German origin (interestingly enough, all of the male Sparrows bar Ben, have their names tied to Germanic origin. Meanwhile, Fei’s name is of Chinese origin, Jayme has both Spanish and Hebrew roots, while Sloane is derived from an Irish surname Ó Sluaghhadáin). Not only that but it is considered fanon that Klaus was born in Germany just like Diego and Vanya’s roots are considered to be Mexico and Russia respectively. 

Not only that but he literally has ‘goodbye’ tattooed on his hand.

‘Goodbye’ has many different interpretations for what this could mean especially if this is a Klaus centric episode like we are assuming. And like I mentionned above with Klaus going through the fourth stage of grief in season three, this might be the episode where he moves into the fifth and final stage: acceptance. Perhaps by having one last talk with Umbrella Ben in the afterlife or by trying to track down Dave after Vietnam and discovering he (seemingly - I do have hopes for Commission Dave later on) did live a long and happy life after the war. 

Mending fences with Ben and both getting the chance to air their genuine grievances with one another and mend their relationship from the horrific state it was in at the end of season two might help Klaus find closure. Klaus and Ben both love each other but they crossed a lot of lines and hurt each other deeply with their behaviours last season and they deserved the chance to try and fix the issues as well as say a proper goodbye to one another. This could give Klaus the opportunity to say just that as well as moving into accepting Ben’s death once and for all.

And when it comes to Dave, maybe just knowing that Dave moved on can help Klaus move from depression into acceptance. He was more than fine with stopping Dave from enlisting in the army during season two even knowing that it would mean that Dave would never meet or fall in love with Klaus. He was willing to sacrifice his chance at love with Dave if it meant that Dave would survive. Perhaps if he knew that Dave had been happy and safe in his later life he could then move on and say goodbye? 

And maybe by coming to terms with the departure of two of the biggest influences in his life, motivate Klaus to embrace a new outlook and control of his life and his powers?

Wedding At The End Of The World

This very clearly has ties to the very first episode of the show which is ‘We Only See Each Other At Weddings and Funerals’. Both have marriage and death connected in their titles. The characters that we know have been married so far out of our Hargreeves family so far is Reginald and Allison.

Reginald was married on his home planet when his wife died. Not a lot is known about her other than she was the original owner of Vanya’s violin in the original timeline. Maybe we’ll get information on her and just why Reginald left his home planet?

The next character married so far is Allison who so far has been married twice already (maybe they’re going three for three this time?). And judging by the episode title in season one, that event was the last time the Umbrella Hargreeves (bar Five) were all together as a family until they arrived for Reginald’s funeral. Maybe there’s a link there.

Or maybe this is referencing a whole other wedding that may be happening during the events of season three? I wouldn’t be surprised if Five reunites with Delores and decides just to get married to make it official. To paraphrase Klaus, it’s probably one of the healthiest relationships that family ever had regarding love.

Six Bells

Now this tile had me stumped for a good bit and it will probably make more sense when season three does drop and we watch the episodes, but for now I can just theories on it.

Bells have often been associated with religious services, which may tie in with the last episode, but can also be rung for important events or in deference of important people.

But what is really getting me is that the title is six bells and there are six Umbrellas left so far. Could the bells be in reference to something regarding them, some sort of trap perhaps? Which will definitely tie in in some way to the seasons finale:

Oblivion

Now like episode one this one seems fairly self-explanatory. This seems like Hotel Oblivion is finally coming into play here, meaning they are probably switching the order of stories from the comics. But the question is: if it is Hotel Oblivion, did the Umbrella’s enter the Hotel/prison out of free will or were they trapped here by the Sparrows? Anything goes at this point considering that it’s the last episode of the season.

But when it comes to the Hotel there are so many possibilities as to what happens here:

- Are all of the Umbrella’s trapped inside or did one escape and their other cell mate is a Sparrow perhaps (Sloane maybe for trying to leave the Sparrow Academy?)

- How will this set up the cliff-hanger for season four? Will all or some of the Umbrella Hargreeves be trapped in the hotel once the season ends and that helps set up the tension for the next season. Or maybe a break out of prisoners just like in the comics occurs and the Umbrella's are forced to deal with it?

-Where will this leave our Sparrows at the season end, because I know that we’re going to get attached (I know I will). Will some of them come with us into season four? Maybe they are split into two teams as the season ends, each containing a mixture of both Umbrella’s and Sparrows?

Well that’s all I have, maybe I’m right about some of it, maybe I’m all wrong, just need to wait until season three to find out.

Amelia’s Alzheimer’s?

           From what Owen Dennis told us, Book 5 of Infinity Train would’ve been a movie, covering Amelia’s takeover of the train… Which, I don’t know if Book 5 would’ve gone over her takeover, AND her eventual arc post-Book 3, but; I believe the implication is that like Book 4, this movie would’ve been a pure prequel, set in the past. A good look and further contextualization of Amelia’s past sins and how she got into the headspace she now has, in order to set up for a future Book where she finally gets her proper arc.

           That leaves just three other books… One about Guilt, the next about Revenge, and the last of Acceptance. Book 5 is about Grief fittingly enough, and we know that Book 8 (Acceptance) would’ve delved into a passenger with alzheimer’s, whose condition would’ve kept them from engaging with the Infinity Train’s intended function properly. Owen Dennis mentioned how this final season would’ve been based on his own experiences with his grandfather, who had a similar issue in the past.

           It’s easy to assume that Book 8 would’ve been about a whole new character, which leaves either Books 6 or 7 for the resolution to Amelia’s arc- But what if that’s not the case? The Book 8 protagonist would be pretty old, presumably, so…

           …What if Amelia was the Book 8 protagonist? What if, by the end of the series, Amelia’s age would’ve caught up to her, and she’d start developing alzheimer’s- Further complicating her attempts to get her number down, especially when she can no longer remember Alrick like she used to!

           Think about it- Amelia as the final protagonist would be a neat book-end to the series, given how we began with her as the final antagonist of Book 1. The show starts and ends with Amelia, who alongside One-One and Samantha the Cat (and arguably Randall) are basically the core, central tenet characters of the entire show. The resolution of Infinity Train is the resolution of Amelia, who serves as the passenger most entwined with the train, having once been its conductor even!

           Not only that, but with how Amelia’s character serves as a means of criticizing and showing the fallibility of the Infinity Train, how she’s able to game the system, how she works in a place to criticize One-One’s direction with it… And her having to deal with alzheimer’s could continue that theme of Amelia’s character being a commentary on the flaws of the Infinity Train, if it can’t account for her memory loss!

           Amelia’s memory loss would be difficult to work with, if we’d only gotten to know her in just Book 8; But now we have Books 1, 3, 4, and 5 (at the very least!) to bring background and context to her life-story, and it’s a LONG one too! Setting up Amelia’s past in great detail, going into the intricacies across the entire show… It could be setting up the audience to remember all of this, when Amelia herself can’t- So we can get a better idea of her frustration, of how she ended up here when Amelia herself is confused, etc.! We gain a deep and intimate understanding of Amelia’s past for her, in preparation for the memory loss of Book 8.

           Owen talking about how Book 8 would’ve been based on his own experiences, watching his grandfather deal with amnesia- From a meta sense, the audience could serve Owen’s role! We’re the younger people, watching Amelia, our favorite old lady, grow across the series… We get attached to her, she’s basically like family, so naturally it hits harder to see her lose her memory. It’d be a meta way for Owen to really capture what he experienced in real life, by having the audience take his position when observing the character of Amelia.

           From an in-universe standpoint, perhaps Hazel could serve as the proxy for Owen! She’s more or less Amelia’s daughter in the technical and arguably figurative sense- We don’t know exactly how their relationship would progress, and the last time we had hopes of Found Family for Hazel, it didn’t quite work out… But regardless. Perhaps Hazel, as a kid with relation to the older Amelia, would’ve gotten to grow up with her surrogate caretaker, learn to value and appreciate her and vice-versa; And then we see from Hazel’s pained perspective, the loss of Amelia’s memories. Perhaps Amelia losing her memories of her times with Hazel, even!

           This could tie Amelia and Hazel’s stories together, especially with how linked the two are, with Hazel resulting from Amelia’s failed attempts to bring back Alrick! And Hazel has a few of Amelia’s memories- She remembers taking ballroom dance lessons, because Amelia was drawing upon those memories when trying to recreate Alrick. Hazel could serve as a young guide to comfort Amelia, a genuinely emotional connection, someone who remembers what Amelia can’t, in the absence of Alrick.

           Book 8 would’ve been about Acceptance- AKA the final part of the 5 stages of Grief, when dealing with the death of a loved one… And Grief is the theme of Book 5, Amelia’s origin story! Amelia would accept the death of Alrick at the end of Book 8, and perhaps Hazel could learn to accept the death of Tuba and another family member in Amelia… In the sense that yes, Amelia is leaving her too- But Hazel will learn to move past Tuba’s death, and perhaps her own experience can help Amelia as well. They can grieve for Amelia’s memories, for Alrick, etc.

           It’d also be an interesting and frustrating challenge for Amelia- As someone who no doubt has at least some pride in her intellect and mind, having her own mind start to degrade… It’d really put her into an interesting headspace, and force Amelia into that acceptance of what is inevitable, that some things she really can’t change. And of course, this could deal with theme of acceptance, of how Amelia clings to her past with Alrick; Having her memories of him start to fade could really shake this up, and force her to re-evaluate her life and values, her priorities… Perhaps decide to instead focus on the Now and Future, accepting that her past with Alrick is not only long-gone, but possibly due to be forgotten. That she can love and appreciate what it did for her, but Amelia has no choice but to move on- Even without those memories, without that past, she still has a future with Hazel and everyone else to keep living for.

           For all we know, Samantha the Cat could even come into play here! She’s someone with access to people’s tapes, among them none other than Amelia’s- And before she gave it to Simon, Samantha also had the ability to create new tapes from passengers on the go. Samantha is a long-lived denizen, at least about 150+ years old, she’s lived and seen the entirety of Amelia’s reign, and was likely there since the very beginning; Owen Dennis did allude to Samantha being present in Book 5… Specifically, he suggested that us seeing Samantha kill someone was a possibility, amidst One-One or Amelia committing murder instead; And that of course suggests that, regardless of whether or not the Cat kills someone in Book 5, she’d still be a prevalent character.

           Samantha having that past with Amelia, and her own conniving nature, could possibly lead to her conflicting with Hazel, perhaps recounting memories differently, or trying to tell them in a way that’d sway Amelia to her side, who knows? It’s also worth noting that she’s someone who has regret and loss in Simon… So perhaps if she served as a central cast member for Book 8 (befitting my point about Amelia being a book-ends kind of character), Samantha would’ve learned to accept the death of Simon, and/or help Hazel and Amelia move on as well. It’d be a fitting and appropriate farewell, I believe, to have Amelia and Samantha, two main-stays since the beginning, have their arc at the very end of the series.

           And Hazel? Hazel could be representative of a new generation, to step up and take the mantle passed down. One-One’s own input would be fascinating, because like Samantha and Hazel, he has quite the past with Amelia, and a lot of significance and understanding of her sins. And with his control of the Infinity Train, I can see him attempt to recreate Amelia’s destroyed tape, or even try to create a new tape for her, to try and get around Amelia’s memory loss. The Infinity Train selectively deciding which memories it only thinks are important could lead to disagreement with One-One and conflict, exposing the flaws of the system- And/or, the Infinity Train might come across a roadblock because it can’taccess Amelia’s memories anymore!

           This could be a culmination for One-One’s arc as well, as seeing his failure to account and accommodate Amelia’s alzheimer’s, leads him to decide to make MAJOR reforms to the Infinity Train as a result! Maybe he’ll even stop the whole process of kidnapping passengers (while still letting the denizens function and roam freely). Him and Amelia have an unusual, kind of at-odds but not really, sort of frenemy relationship; They’re working together, they’ve been enemies, they’ve collaborated, each was the reigning conductor at one point. We could have Samantha as someone with negative recollections of her time with Amelia, One-One with overall netural ones, and Hazel with positive associations! Three different people with different pasts and interactions with Amelia, to provide their own input on their time with her, and thus help her rediscover her past…

           …Or, at the very least- Come to terms and accept who she is, and finally move on. And, it goes without saying that Amelia’s dilemma with her huge number could be complicated by her Alzheimer’s, if she can’t remember things- And it’d be interesting to see how it might fluctuate, if at all. Perhaps Amelia’s progress actually gets pretty good, but THEN the memory loss begins to kick in, and that frustrates her. It’d teach the lesson that progress is not linear, that sometimes you might backtrack, you might think you’re so close, only to have retread the same path… And sometimes you’re tired of the journey and just want to get to the destination, to the final stop at the end of the railroad. We could have Amelia learn to accept help from others, to not try and seize control for herself as all-powerful Conductor, to gain some humility amidst her pride in her own ability and intellect…

           We could have Amelia awkwardly navigate the train without her memories, stumbling across and slowly figuring out what needs to be done in order to lower her number, with just the number’s movement as an indicator, and no memories to work off of! Her only hints are whenever her number moves to a certain situation, so Amelia really has to work backwards… Through trial and error, figure out what needs to be done; Perhaps a callback to Grace and Simon, who had no guidance and struggled with figuring out what their numbers expected of them.

          It’d be an interesting book-end to THAT point, especially since it was Amelia who unknowingly contributed to Grace misinterpreting the function of her number, so then having Amelia rectify this with herself, learning to properly figure out what her number means, and then accepting that without going into denial like Simon did… It’d really show the growth of her, but also the series, and of course the fact that Grace and Simon were literal kids, and Amelia is a seasoned adult. And of course, there’s the existential questions, if Amelia is a different person without her memories, if those sins still apply if she can’t remember them anymore, if she’s essentially disconnected and detached, etc.

          We might see Amelia operate without any memories of her grief with Alrick, see how she is without that- And it might concern and frustrate Amelia, because she could conflate moving past Alrick, as being the same as getting rid of him truly… And the memory loss certainly doesn’t help. Who is she without her memories? It could lead to an identity crisis that echoes back to Book 2’s themes. Amelia without memories might learn to rediscover herself by looking into her past, perhaps existing without recollection, just this number she slowly figures out how to lower. Perhaps having a new, more detached/objective look at her own past, from a perspective as someone who doesn’t remember them, so it feels like the recollections of a stranger- It might contribute to Amelia really coming to terms with happened, with herself, and finally Acceptance.

           It really could be the culmination of the series; With how the age of protagonists for each Book gets progressively older, Amelia’s elderly age and Alzheimer’s would’ve been the end of the line, the final stop/destination for the train. It’d make Amelia the central Passenger of the show, who we’ve been following since Book 1, watching her progress, in a sense seeing her grow up- And then finally seeing her grow old and suffer from Alzheimer’s. The journey of the Infinity Train could be the journey of Amelia, from her boarding the train, to the final destination, literally and figuratively. It could tie into the arcs of Hazel, Samantha, and One-One, and finally deconstruct the Infinity Train with an outsider who did exactly like that!

           What do you guys think? I think it’d be quite the experience to watch Amelia grow and struggle as a person, so it really does feel personal and intimate to us, when we know her memories, only for Amelia herself to lose them... A fascinating, bittersweet study and journey of Amelia, but one we accept, because the journey made the destination worthwhile.

The 5 Stages of Grief

Stage Two: Anger (2/5)

Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader (Spencer POV)

Summary: Spencer going through each of the stages of grief after the death of the reader. Stage two is anger.

A/N: Thank you for all the love this series has gotten just after posting the first part!! I know angst isn’t for everyone— and neither is seeing Spencer in pain but thank you to all the people who read it 🥰 Again there’s a lot of rhetorical questions in this chapter- plus a lot of repition in Spencer’s thoughts. and, again each chapter gets progressively longer (cause each stage lasts a longer period of time) I did want to clarify that the only thing in this series that’s really going to give away what season it’s in is the people that are on the team. Requests are open and thanks for reading!

Warnings ⚠️ (if you want full warnings for the series check the Masterlist): Unnecessary agression against Spencer’s co-workers, Spencer attacking an unsub, Talk of death, Blood, Talk of guns, Unreliable narrator

Main Masterlist | 5 Stages of Grief Masterlist

Word count: 1.6k

The water that I had been submerged under immediately following the denial slipping away was slowly being replaced with a fire that burned hot. As I was being brought back to the police station in one of the bureau supplied SUVs nothing else was on my mind except the scorching anger that flickered inside me. I was inflamed with rage, so much so that I didn’t care to respond to Morgan’s soothing words to me. The words did nothing to douse the flames flaring to life within me, it just made me wish I did shut him up back at the crime scene. I should regret that I almost injured part of my own team earlier when I was blinded by denial, but the roaring inferno that consumed me was forcing me to focus only on the man that dared to pull the trigger.

“Shut up!” I snapped hotly at Morgan. In response he gave me a wounded look, I could care less about his feelings right now, he didn’t have his significant other murdered right in front of him. That at least got him to be quiet for a moment, which allowed me to let a few hot tears slip down my cheeks. They were tears of frustration and anger, they might as well have been gasoline poured on me acting as a propellant for my hostile feelings.

What further fueled the fire that burned hot inside me was the fact that they would never fulfill the dreams they had for their life. There was also a small part of me that was selfish, the fact that I would never be able to experience those dreams with them, it only served as another accelerant for the fire within me.

They deserved a better way to go, they deserved not to be shot in the back alley behind a gas station. They deserved to die surrounded by loved ones after living a long full life, with me right beside them.

When we pulled up in front of the station I quickly shot out of the vehicle, almost forgetting to even unbuckle my seatbelt. Morgan swiftly followed behind me trying to catch up with my long belligerent strides.

“Wait kid!” He grabbed my arm that was still covered in their blood, cardigan had been soaked enough to even bleed through to my button up. My once pristine purple cardigan was stained blood red, I would never wear this again. As soon as I got the chance I would burn it, even if it was gifted to me by them.

“Don’t call me kid.” My statement was laced with a deadly tone, I didn’t want his help nor did I need his pity. I yanked my arm out of his grip, then storming up the steps and barging into the station. The police officers all looked at me with varying looks of sadness that made me want to wipe their expression off their face. They had no right to be sad. They didn’t even know them.

I paced by the evidence board waiting for any news, not caring that I was still stuck in my bloodied clothes. Most of the team had left to go follow a lead a while ago leaving me with Emily. At least she didn’t feel the need to speak to me. She knew there was nothing she could say or do to make this situation better.

“Spencer, can you come with me?” JJ asked me gently. I perked up instantly at those words, hoping that they had at least been able to track down some sort of information. At least then maybe my fire would be partially quelled.

My breath hitched when I saw what JJ had led me to see. There he was sitting at the interrogation table, the only thing separating us was the one way glass. There was no doubt in my mind, it was him.

JJ then looked at Hotch and Rossi with a saddened expression before joining Morgan in the room where the unsub was shackled to the table. They started the interrogation of what they were all probably saying was the ‘suspect’, but I knew him to be the perpetrator.

“Where did you find him?” The volume of my voice was soft when I spoke, though my words still had an edge of fury to it.

“He was found a mile away from the scene by some of the officers on patrol, with a gun of the same caliber that- Anyway, we are just waiting for ballistics to confirm.” Rossi was gentle as he explained the situation to me. My mind wandered again instead of fully listening to the reason this man was apprehended. Where was everyone’s rage? Why wasn’t anyone angry? The sadness everyone permeated right now, did nothing to help bring this man to justice. Justice was needed. Real action was needed. Vengeance was needed.

“It’s definitely him.” I wasn’t paying attention to the man’s recount or his alibi that I had no doubt was fake. It didn’t matter to me, there was no doubt in my mind that he was guilty.

“Are you sure?” Hotch finally spoke up with a tone of authority, seemingly unaffected by the events of today. “You never said if you got a good look at him or not.”

My face hardened into stone at Hotch’s question. Was he trying to make me more mad? Was he trying to goad me into retaliation? Did he even care about them? Did he even care that one of his co-workers had been murdered? Or was he really as stone cold as everyone made him out to be? Maybe Haley’s murder had really made him void of all emotion. I couldn’t do that. I needed to be angry, I needed it to fuel me into bringing this man to justice. Maybe it wouldn’t be the most legal form of justice, but I would make sure he’d see it, whether it was by my fist or the courts.

“It’s him.” I said with even more conviction, almost on the edge of yelling at the two of them. I turned around to face my two bosses, a dark expression taking over my face as I did. I wish they would just let me in the room.

Rossi’s face was full of pity and through learning to read Hotch’s micro expressions throughout the years I could tell he was trying to express his sympathy, though it felt hollow. The pity and sympathy only served to make the rage inside me more volatile, which I didn’t think was possible. I didn’t care that Hotch had experienced the same pain I was feeling and I didn’t care that Rossi truly had cared about the both of us. It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough to make me not want to burst through the door of the interrogation room and beat the man to a pulp.

My vision clouded over so I only saw red, I had been consumed by the fire within me. I was like an uncontrollable wildfire now, nothing would stop me. Nothing would stop me from reaching the source of my wrath.

————

My hands were bruised and bloodied, almost like I had punched my fists into glass repeatedly. The blood was seeping through the bandages, someone must have patched me up. But, who? I didn’t even know where I was right now or even how I had gotten these bruises.

Scanning my surroundings I realized I was sitting at the round table in my usual spot, my memory then started coming back to me. I remember JJ pulling me off the unsub after I barged into the interrogation room and had landed a few blows. In my fury of being pulled away from the source of my fire I punched through the mirror in the bathroom I had been dragged into. I remember the wounds on my hands being carefully cleaned by Emily with a softness that I didn’t see often from her. And, I remember being taken home on the jet accompanied by half of the team, the other half had stayed behind to wrap up the case. It scared me that I could barely recall the memories without a haze of fuzziness. I must have been so wrought with fiery emotion and exhaustion that everything around me had started to slip away as unimportant. The team must have brought me in here, they probably wanted to keep an eye on me and knew I wouldn’t want to go back to our apartment. Well, I guess it was just my apartment now. Yeah, the team was right to leave me here. If I even caught a glimpse of their belongings I was sure the rage would take over again.

My eyes immediately shifted over to the chair next to me that would usually be occupied by them. Tears once again filled my eyes, I had cried so much in the past few hours- or was it days? I had cried so much that I wasn’t sure how it was possible. My eyes felt raw, my nose felt raw, my skin felt raw, really my whole being felt raw from the abuse it had seen throughout this whole ordeal. I just wanted this to be over. I just wanted them back.

The fire hadn’t fully gone from me, and I wasn’t sure that it ever would. It flickered inside me, trying to force me into enacting vengeance on the man that had extinguished the person I cared about the most. But, the overwhelming feeling of desperation to see the person who mattered to me most had taken over to partially snuff out the flames into embers. I’d do whatever it takes, I just wanted them back.

—

All works:

@shotarosleftpinky @oreogutz

Spencer Reid/CM:

@calm-and-doctor @destiny-tsukino @safertokiss

5 stages of grief:

@joonie-centric @tatesimper @half-blood-dork @mcntsee @illuxions-x @rainsong01 @nomajdetective @loveheathens

It’s late and I feel like talking about ST characters trauma

I feel like most people only focus on Will’s or El’s (which both are very valid ! ) but I think we both need to remember that:

1: characters exist outside of their trauma. If you believe that all a single character is is their trauma, and that they deserve no further character depth, you’re psycho

And 2: all characters in this fking show are traumatized. All. Of. Them. At this rate, I think Lucas is the most unscathed mentally, yet he ALSO has so much trauma! Which nobody ever talks about!

I love Will and El, however I feel like other characters (especially the females) deserve more expansion on the sh!t they’ve been through.

I WANT TO ALSO SAY:

This isn’t me narrowing down characters with the “most trauma” as I simply cannot put every character in this post and go on a full analysis rn as its 4:00 am. And also, trauma isn’t a competition. I am sick of people saying “so and so is more traumatized than so and so.” Or “so and so is the most/less traumatized.”

All trauma is valid.

People will trauma of any kind know that it doesn’t matter if someone lost 2 legs and half their brain, but you only broke your foot. That’s still gonna be painful! Mentally and physically! It isn’t a race. I don’t want to see ANY of that anymore. It’s disgusting and undermining other characters traumas to benefit others. All characters trauma is V A L I D. It all is! There is no “well so and so is the most traumatized so the others don’t get to complain.” NO! NO NO NO! That’s not how it works! This isn’t a game!! And don’t ever feel bad about not having gone through as much as your friend, your trauma is yours and all experiences are valid.

ALSO REMINDER: characters exist outside of their trauma and ab*se and I know that! This isn’t me belittling or shrinking down people to only a component to their trauma. It’s me pointing out their trauma rather than having their trauma he their whole character. I just think we need more people to talk about other ST characters, especially right now.

Now, without further a do:

MAX:

Max’s dad left fairly early on from what we’ve seen, however she still had some contact with him for at least a few more years as she seems to remember him and miss him quite a lot. We don’t know much about Mr. Mayfield, but we do know Max mises him a great deal. We also know that she has most likely witnessed a lot of physical and verbal ab*se from her stepfather. It’s never stated if Max is a handle to this ab*se either, but she’s definitely witnessed it. Which is why I believe she pushes people away, she’s afraid to get latched on. Because If she does she’ll start to care, and then they’ll just leave like almost everyone else, like her old friends and her father. She puts up walls and feign strength and a somewhat high ego to keep up the hallucination that she doesn’t care about what others think, when she really does. Not to mention she literally witnessed Billy die right before her eyes. Do you know how traumatizing that is? She’s also seen multiple others die aswell, making it worse. Now with Billy gone, Max will most likely be the center of Neil’s ab*se, and Will distance herself from everyone, and will probably spiral into a severe depression. She acts all tough on the outside when in reality she just wants to be loved and accepted, by her friends and family. She gets critiqued quite a lot, especially for being a girl, and you can tell she definitely has gotten the short end of the stick most her life.

KALI:

Do I even need to explain this one? She was literally ABDUCTED AS A CHILD, then adopted, then her adoptive family DITCHED HER, she was forced to see others get hurt or to hurt others for experiments, she’s seen multiple people d!e, and she feels like the only way for life to get better is by k!lling people. Although she’ll never show it, she feels so alone in the world. With no real family, and only her friends, she has nobody to turn to. Kali was so hated upon, which in a way, I understand. I don’t entirely agree with her morally but I do see where her intentions lay and I don’t think she’s as bad as a person as everyone says she is. She’s just a broken girl that deserves to be loved. And she’s so distant from love because she’s afraid of getting hurt. But she deserves happiness, and I wish the Duffers would allow her that happiness, too.

JOYCE:

Nobody EVER talks about Joyce’s trauma as much as they talk about Will’s or El’s (which I’m not invalidating either of theirs I’m just pointing out Joyce’s)

Joyce is said to deal with frequent panic attacks and anxiety. She was verbally and probably physically ab*see by her husband leaving her with severe trust issues. For awhile the whole town thought she was crazy, and we’ve seen her be treated like an outcast. She doesn’t fit in. Back in the 80’s, single moms were looke down upon. Will is constantly referred to as “Lonnie’s Boy”, because that’s what people see him as, even when Lonnie ditched Will and hurt him more than Joyce ever could. Joyce works/worked multiple jobs, and had to keep up her family of two boys. It got so bad even Jonathan had to get one or two jobs just to keep a roof over their heads.

Joyce really deserves happiness. She’s always alert now and her anxiety has only gotten worse. She’s constantly looking for things that aren’t there and although she may have been right about the magnets, it’s worrying that she saw a pattern there, anyways. Her life has given her the short end of the stick multiple times. She’s seen multiple people d!e, her son get possessed, her son get exorcised and be in so much pain, the love of her life (Bob) die right in front of her, the other love of her life (Hopper) die right infront of her, she’s been losing herself since season one, and knowing it’ll only get worse in season 4 scares me so much. She deserves to settle down and find a happy family. She deserves love and support and therapy. And she deserves support system that will listen to her and be there for her. Joyce is so strong in so many ways, she has always percerviered through the thick and thin, and life has ever gone in her direction yet she stays there, for her boys, and doesn’t give up. She is so kind and loyal, she took El under her wing, she was there countless nights when Lonnie was screaming, protecting Will. She was there, staying up all night to make sure Will went to bed safely. She worked two jobs and has tried to get enough money for Jonathan to go to college, and yet life has never given her anything back. This woman has been through hell, she deserves to be loved with no consequences. She deserves to be happy without it backfiring. Joyce is such a dimensional character. She’s had her ups and downs, and she’s somehow always found ways to keep on pushing forward past where most people would break. THATS Queen shit

NANCY:

Now, it looks like Nancy had a fairly peaceful upbringing. While I don’t think she has as much trauma as Mike, I feel like a lot of people over look her and her existence and immediately write her off as “selfish” or a “brat”. And while I do agree that she does have some selfish or self centered moments, she’s always grown from those. Character development, people!

Nancy, the oldest of 3, definitely got the most love from her mother. I don’t think her home life has ever been bad. Although Karen and Ted aren’t the perfect happy couple, they don’t seem to fight much, and they seem pretty peaceful. So I don’t think Nancy’s home life is bad necessarily, and from the outside it could almost be described as “perfect”.

However, there is so much beneath that.

Nancy was stuck in a loveless relationship for about a year. She did the best she could at school to fit in or “be popular”. She wanted to stay with Steve because that seemed like the most logical option. He was popular, rich, he’d be the perfect guy to settle down with. But her heart was telling her to go else where. Jonathan was poor, unpopular, and isn’t necessarily the perfect guy to settle down with financially. Her parents put pressure on her to be the perfect housewife (more so her dad, I don’t think karen did as much.) so when Nancy falls for someone the exact opposite of what she should be going for, she’s in denial. She’s torn between the two. She had a perfect life ahead of her. Great friends, popularity, a loving boyfriend, but she didn’t want that. She didn’t want to settle down and living a boring life just like her parents.

Besides all that, she’s been pulled into an alternate dimension, she’s seen multiple people d!e, she’s nearly been k!led MULTIPLE times. She’s had to k!ll people for her own safety. She’s had to watch her boyfriends brother get excorcised, and also stab her boyfriends brother with a flaming hot rod. She’s had to live with the guilt of Barbara, her best friend, dying while she was sleeping with Steve. She feels so much guilt, survivors guilt, for not doing anything that night. She’s had to live with the fact that her bestfriend since she was little passed on right outside where Nancy was, and Nancy could’ve done something about it, which is the worse part. She’s been harassed by misogynistic coworkers for the fact that she’s a female, lowering her self esteem. And it seems that whenever she does something good in the world it always backfires. She feels like an outcast even though she has so many “friends”, or so it seems. She has the perfect house at the end of a culdesac. What can she possibly be sad over? Her life seems seamless. Yet there is a lot buried under there. She seems like she’s in denial over a lot of things, and constantly in a stage of grief. Nancy deserves to not feel ridiculed. She deserves to be a winner, and to prove those misogynistic @ssholes wrong. She shouldn’t have to fit this cookie cutter ideal. She’s a badass. She’s experienced way more than I feel like most people realize, and has been put in the center of absolute insanity yet still was able to come out of it intact. She deserves to live the life she wants to live, without Survivors Guilt, without the feeling of being an outcast, without low self esteem. Nancy is such a strong young woman in more ways than one, and I feel like so many people hate on her solely because she isn’t doing what most of these girl next door characters usually do. She subverted her own trope. And most people are angry that she isn’t this cookie cutter girl the way she’s “supposed to be”. She gets overlooked, and most people prefer the men of the cast, over her. And yes, everyone is entitled to their opinion, however I’ve seen people hate on Nancy for stupid misogynistic things, which isn’t a valid reason to dislike a character. And most people assume she’s just a spoiled, self obsorbed, ditzie girl, but she really is just someone trapped inside a box trying to get out. Nancy is a baddie. She’s always defended her friends. She’s always defended her brother, and has fought interdimensonal demons before. SHE IS SUCH A BADASS! She learned how to use a gun at the age of 16, despite most woman in the 80’s not even slowing themselves to touch a gun. She grew independent and learned to work for herself and not for others. She cracked a major story at the Hawkins Post, and even when people didn’t believe her, she still pursued it, and was right! She doesn’t give up, and people should be looking up to her and aspiring to be her. She literally beat up someone with a fire hydrant while playing a game of Marco Polo. Why does nobody talk about that! She will kick your ass into the next dimension. THATS Queen shit.

That’s all for now. I will touch back up on this later with some more characters traumas (probably Mike’s, Dustin’s, Lucas’s, and more.) but this is it for now. I really think we should pay more attention to the woman in the ST cast and their characters. A lot of focus is usually on the boys, which is understandable, but I wanted to point out how strong all these girls are and how much I admire them. I love Will and el as well, but I’ve already made several posts talking about them and how badass they are, lol. I wanted to shine light on more people that usually don’t take the spotlight very often. I’ll be back with more, later! As I said above, I’ll totally touch on some more people’s trauma as well, as there’s a lot beneath the surface I feel like most people don’t pay attention to.

SORRY FOR SUPER LONG POST

PS: I began writing that at 4:44am, then fell asleep. It’s 11:45 am now.

Thoughts on WandaVision by a non-Marvel fan

As someone who had only seen a single Marvel movie (The Avengers) and only watched Jessica Jones season 1 for David Tennant (while hating nearly every other character in it), which had none of these characters, I only watched WandaVision precisely because it dared to break the mold and be even remotely ambitious instead of doing the same old CGI cartoon fest over and over. And somewhat because of what Marvel has done to the film industry, television has completely and utterly overtaken film as where emotional, dramatic storytelling now happens.

And okay, I happen to have had a major TVLand addiction growing up and binged a ton of the shows referenced in WandaVision long ago (yep, those very same '50s-'80s sitcoms). I couldn't pass up the retro. Love at first sight. Combine that with what promised to be a tragic, human/non-human romance. Sold. I knew little else about the characters.

For a long time, I've seen female fans (in particular) comment on how part of the reason they write fanfiction for Marvel is that they have to read between the lines just to add the implied dramatic content of the relationship focus variety that never quite gets developed in canon (certainly not up to the standard of what a fic reader expects). I saw a few comments that pretty much described WandaVision as exactly that: a fix-it fanfic before tragic reality invaded Pleasantville. Wanda's whole Hex was essentially a glorified fix-it fanfic.

For this reason alone, I can only hope the success of WandaVision gets them to create a season 2 that is dedicated solely to Wanda trying to put her family (Vision) back together that does the tragic romance justice in a way that giving them side parts in other people's movies just isn't going to cut it.

I feel like Vision's ultimate resurrection or even Wanda's struggle with her grief is better left to her own headline story, whether be it film or television. Television is the only medium that is going to allow the actors to really sink their teeth into this sort of star-crossed, tragic drama and not have it relegated to a minor side-character plot. Either give Wanda and Vision their own movie (hopefully, with heightened focus on character development as a lesson learned from television) or wait to integrate the mind and body of Vision in another season that gives both of them center stage with room to develop it.

Them having their twins for real might also be worth a season 2 in a way that probably wouldn't even work on film, as showing such a feminine pregnancy storyline would be a helluva departure for a Marvel movie that goes from action set piece to action set piece.

I wouldn't even hate it if Wanda's sitcom comfort zone made a few more appearances, even if it is merely the occasional domestic fantasy or dream/nightmare, so there is a way to not completely divorce a potential season 2 from season 1's "gimmick". It could be merely as simple as her pointedly doing something Sam/Jeannie-esque with her magic. Cooking with floating kitchen items would be an easy nod.

Probably not what Marvel is thinking of doing, but as a non-Marvel fan, WandaVision has a real opportunity to pull in new viewers with very different tastes that have so far managed to give the films a wide berth. It would do so much better as a show.

Go the route of giving these characters their own headlined projects and Marvel could have a real juggernaut of a 'ship, as well. My impression was that WandaVision got a lot of fans talking about the characters and their relationship in a way that the previous films and comics had not; some even making comments they had barely paid attention to the characters before the show.

IMO, the mere character descriptions sound like some of the most interesting and fleshed-out characters Marvel has got right now with real opportunity for real dramatic depth. And that's putting aside that Scarlet Witch is one of the most powerful characters on the entire Marvel roster. Making a whole television season about a character going through the stages of grief and about a woman who just wants the family she lost back (a woman who desperately wants a husband and children, no less) was very different territory for Marvel. Human/non-human, in addition to having the level of doom that makes tragedies very, very memorable.

There's tropey drama potential there that hasn't been mined with the non-human who becomes more and more "human" (it's the stuff of fairy tales and sci-fi both). Hayward or someone like him could easily be used as a character who doesn't see Vision as equal to humans, for example. Delve into the sort of existential questions about artificial life achieving consciousness no less feeling than a human's that stories like Data on Star Trek, Blade Runner and Bicentennial Man pose. That species difference without the magic of sitcoms could be mined for a gorgeously dramatic plotline. What it means to be human explored through the non-human--one of my favorite tropes.

And of course, it's the stuff of fairy tales--most notably Pinocchio (the once-inanimate learning to and desiring to become real by proving himself worthy and because it fulfills the greatest wish of the person who loves them most), combined with the interspecies romance elements of The Little Mermaid (tragic ending or not--see also the desperate acts taken to achieve this cosmically-denied togetherness, only for such a tragic ending to come of it in the original work).

Given that the MCU movies just lost a bunch of their A-listers, they need something big like this. Marvel needs philosophical and character-driven meat on its meager dramatic bones. Here are two actors who could carry something more ambitious and pick up an entirely different audience. Marvel could get an even bigger female audience with these two, IMO. And it wouldn't be cheap girl power pandering either (I say this as a girl). These characters are legit with incredibly warm, likable, endearing performances behind them. This chemistry works 100%.

I think White Vision having an existential crisis where he's questioning what he is if he has all the memories of a being who clearly can feel every human emotion (the idea that we are our memories), but at the same time knowing that he's only artificial life, would be an interesting lead-up to Vision being fully restored with his full consciousness in addition to the added memories of what he experienced inside the Hex.

A restored Vision would have to reconcile what Wanda did in her grief over him and her family. It's also a glimpse at the life Wanda wants with him, which included something that isn't biologically possible, though it likely is through her own abilities of creation. There's also the idea of balance that he's the one who might hold her back from the brink of going down any further dark paths as a figure of ordered stability for her, while she is key in the chaos of his becoming more "human". The to-be parenthood story is obviously hanging over them.

The situation with Hayward intending for White Vision to remain a mere machine that can be manipulated and used as a weapon in a way that an independently-thinking Vision can't be is also a path to go down. As I said, there's a potential storyline about prejudice regarding artificial intelligence, even if it has all the emotional capability of humans.

And on top of that, Vision is in a relationship with a human, even if it's one who could potentially be the key to restoring his consciousness through her own link with the original Mind Stone. It also furthers Wanda's role as a mother and creator if she can give him back his life in this way. While the heroic Avengers might not question them being "an unusual couple", who says everyone else would be so kind?

I really think he needs to be brought back. Wanda desperately needs him for her story to continue.

Apple Cider

SPENCER REID X DEREK MORGAN

Summary: Derek makes apple cider while Spencer sleeps through a nightmare

Word Count: 1040

Category: whump

Content Warnings: grief, kidnapping, loss, spoilers for season 2-12, drug use, anxiety, nightmares

A/N: i told you i was making apple cider

Spencer had nightmares. It was something common within the BAU. You spend all day chasing murderers, you’re gonna have dreams that they’re chasing you. Night terrors might have been a better word for what Spencer experienced. He went through five different stages during his dreams. Impending fear, the calm before the storm, downfall, false hope, and finally, he has to let go of it all.

Spencer knew that the nightmares were a metaphor for his life, but it was something he knew he would be working on forever, and that at the moment there would be nothing to do about it.

Usually Derek was there to wake him before downfall, but sometimes Spencer was too far into REM to be awoken and had already dissociated from the reality that he normally awoke to, which brings us to now.

Derek and Spencer decided to use their vacation days and rent out a cabin. It was nearing fall and the trees were turning orange, and the Virginia winds became colder. When they entered the cabin around noon after an entire night of driving, Derek decided to make some apple cider for the two of them. Spencer, who hadn’t gotten any sleep despite his position in the passenger seat, went straight for the bedroom and settled into the clean sheets, falling asleep instantly.

He was sitting in the passenger seat of a car again. He was smaller and felt more uncomfortable than before. Looking forward, the only thing for miles was the Las Vegas desert. A metaphor for his childhood and the impending fear he felt all through it.

Nothing really happened in this part of the nightmares. There was never anybody driving the car, just him sitting, waiting for the heavy machinery to swerve into the desert full of cacti and huge ravines that hid in every dune of sand. Occasionally he would begin to talk to himself. The only noise that he heard was “No Children” by The Mountain Goats blasting from the car radio. He usually turned it off after the song cycled through around three times. Lately he had just let it play, knowing and hoping Derek would be there to wake him soon, and he did this time too.

The calm before the storm was much quicker than impending fear. It mostly consisted of watching moments during college and his early years at the BAU. High school graduation, late nights studying, joking around with Derek and Elle in the bullpen, his date with JJ, and staying the night with Derek after he brought chinese food to his apartment. Everything he had grown to love about his life passed by as if on a screen in a movie theatre as “Dramamine” by Modest Mouse played in his head. It was Spencer’s muttering of familiar words that were in past conversations with Derek that caused him to be woken up by his partner on most nights, but now Derek was in the shower, the flowing water too loud to hear the words that had escaped Spencer’s mind through his mouth.

Downfall was the worst of them all. It seemed as though he was actually descending into a bottomless hole in the bed, much like the feeling you get right before drifting to sleep. Around him, seemingly on computer screens much like thrones in New York City, his memories of the shack in the graveyard played. HIs whole body panged with hurt all over. In the crook of his elbow, the soles of his feet, and the sides of his head. His stomach hurt and turned and twisted. He was cold and just wanted the warmth of his team to be there. This was when he thrashed in his sleep. He often woke up to Derek screaming his name in reassurance, but not now. Derek was at the dollar store they saw on the road to the cabin getting ingredients for an actual dinner that could be prepared and served with the cider. The images floating around Spencer began changing, to the first time he overdosed and Derek had to bring him to the hospital, to when he openly compared an arsonist to a drug addict in front of a police precinct full of officers, and to when he lashed out at Emily outside of a homeless shelter.

And then he was in a field of flowers. He wasn’t here very often but when he was he knew it wouldn’t last long. “pity party” by lovelytheband played on a loop, coming through nonexistent speakers. All the moments he had shared with the people in his life flashed through his mind as he walked through the field. All of the nights he had cuddling on the couch with Derek watching new episodes of Doctor Who while Penelope sat on a nearby chair, cooing at their closeness. All the times Emily got bored during a long night at work and threw Spencer a paper ball with her scribbly handwriting detailing what she was thinking about. Most of the time it was the dates she wanted to plan with JJ.

Spencer stopped walking and looked up. A cobblestone arch was before him. The last part of the nightmare. “LETTING GO” was in big block letters was written on the arch in russian. He looked down at his shoes. He had never gotten this far before, but he walked through the arch anyways. It led into a cemetery. Each headstone had the name of someone who had betrayed or abandoned him at some point. Jason Gideon, Aaron Hotchner, Emily Prentiss, William Reid, Maeve Donovan, and Alex Blake. There was a chess table in the middle of the six headstones. He walked over and sat down. He moved a white pawn, and a black pawn was moved on the other side of the table by no one. The game went on, and it seemed never ending. And it was.

“No, no, no!” Spencer cried out. He felt Derek’s hands on his forearms as he began to wake up.

“Hey, hey. Spencer, it’s okay.” Derek’s soothing voice gently rocked Spencer fully awake and calmed him down.

Then Spencer remembered. How could he forget the one good part of his nightmares?

“I finished the apple cider.”

The aftermath.

round 3 of in-progress naruto thoughts, featuring me crying tears about pretty much everybody

[spoiler policy disclaimer first, as always: i’m only still in the early stages of shippuden (we just finished the asuma arc).  i literally had zero interest in naruto growing up, so i remain unspoiled for virtually everything that happens past this point.  i would love to stay that way, so please don’t interact with this (tags included, because the notifications now show them to me automatically) with any spoilery commentary, including even general things like “oh i love this show but it gets less good after X point” or “X season is better than Y season” or any general assessments of quality/likability/etc re: future seasons.  Thank you! <3 ]

- well, folks.  i have apparently reached the point in my viewing experience where i am deeply emotionally attached to virtually all of the characters and i care when bad stuff happens to even the most minor of them, because the asuma arc really ripped my heart out and used my feelings as ping-pong balls

- that said - i have to admit, if you’re going to kill a character, that was the way to handle it.  it wasn’t glossed over or dropped like a hot potato; it had a huge arc attached to it and major development for the other characters involved and it came full circle at the end in such a quiet, complete way.  i was hoping from the very beginning that the answer to “who’s the king” was going to be “children” (all i could think about was asuma yelling at kazuma “children aren’t pawns to protect the king!” during the sora arc) and ultimately that ended up being true, and i found that so satisfying.  (painful.  but satisfying.)

- SHIKAMARU.  HERO.  i always loved him, but what an incredible arc he had.  and that episode, “team 10″ - WOW.  wow.  they really kicked it up a notch for that one - that was legitimately beautiful television, not just “good by naruto standards.”  gorgeous animation/composition/editing...this show is in fact capable of magic, when it takes its time.

- grow up, you three.  the shadow of death hangs over us all.  some deaths may be harder to accept than others, but if you can’t get past that, there can be no future!  

^^ this is legitimately my favorite line of the series.  i can’t stop thinking about it.  i love how tsunade is speaking from her own experience, and how she’s not wrong - nobody in this confrontation is wrong, really; shikamaru has his stuff more together than tsunade realizes, and tsunade is just telling the truth, and i just love how this entire line relates so closely to the thematic heart of this arc, which is the sanctity of children and the future they represent.  like...so many characters in this show have seen so much death and tragedy, but we see children/the promise of the future pulling people out of that hole and back into a hopeful place.  it’s literally tsunade’s whole story with naruto.  she’s speaking from the heart, and it’s one of those lines that you can feel resonate across the whole story.

- kakashi, once again, coming to destroy me with his level of devotion to the kids.  not even his own kids, this time.  when he shows up at the end of “team 10″ and offers to take over for asuma and go with shikamaru’s group - i lost my mind.  he’s been keeping an eye on those kids the whole time.  nobody told him about what they were doing; he has no reason to be out at the gates at that time of night - he’s been keeping tabs on them.  he knows exactly what they’re going through.  he knows how they must feel.  he wants to make sure they’re okay.  and when he sees that they’re in an appropriate frame of mind for what they’re planning (aka, not unbalanced by rage or grief or the desire for revenge), he immediately offers himself up as an adult support figure.  he inserts himself into that situation and assumes responsibility for making sure nobody gets hurt.  he puts himself into a position where he can escort them through this experience safely (in more ways than one).  he lets shikamaru take the lead and achieve closure, all while simultaneously monitoring the situation to make sure every choice the group makes is the safest, smartest thing to do.  and then in the battle, he puts himself in between the kids and certain death over and over again - he saves their lives so many times. 

the kids are so grateful to him for doing that.  they respect him so much for it.  they feel supported.  they feel looked after.  they feel validated.  three kids who just lost their adult mentor in such a sudden, violent way - for them to have another grown-up step in and temporarily assume that role, for them to feel a pair of capable, steady hands propping them up before they fall down - that is so important!

kakashi is beautiful to me because he takes every horrible thing that ever happened to him and turns it into an unwavering commitment to help other people navigate the same rocky waters.  everything he does is designed to catch people when they fall, particularly when it comes to children.  he doesn’t have to take that kind of interest in asuma’s team.  none of the other adults are monitoring them like that.  but he understands what they’re dealing with and he knows they could hurt themselves if somebody doesn’t take care of them and so he steps in and assumes that responsibility himself.  and then he does the same thing with team 8′s kids, too, in the next arc, when kurenai is out of commission.  he takes all of his own painful experiences and turns them into ways he can protect other people from stumbling into the same pits he fell into, and i’ll tell you this for damn sure - he’d rather take a deadly hit himself than allow another cohort of children to be wiped off the face of the earth before their time. 

i love that about him.  i love that he turns all of the trouble he’s seen into ways he can be a source of strength for others.  i love that he is always thinking about the kids.  that’s the whole point of this arc: children are king.  kakashi knows that just as well as asuma did, and the way he consistently throws himself in front of the children to keep them safe is my favorite thing about him.

- fucking LOVE that shikamaru turns down the feudal lord’s offer because he wants to stay in the village in case his friends need him.  i feel like this kind of choice is never portrayed as a good thing in media - it’s always shown to be better to get yourself out there, try something new, leave old things behind, take a risk, make a change, as if staying home is somehow the same thing as settling or wasting your potential.  i love how asuma lifts up shikamaru’s decision to stay rooted in his home as a worthy and admirable thing.  the will of fire, indeed.

- the EMOTIONS i felt every time kakashi was helping naruto figure out how to complete the rasengan....when kakashi tells him “i truly believe you are the only shinobi who can surpass the fourth hokage” and then while walking away yamato’s all “you sweet-talked him” and kakashi immediately sets him straight like “no.  no.  i believe he can do it.”  SOBBING.  

- “good old asuma.  he must’ve known you inside and out, huh?”  i’ll be over here crying in the club, folks

- kakashi having conversations with sasuke in his head was Too Much for me ;__;

- we watched a bit past the asuma arc and are now into the part about the gemstone lady but the only thing i have to say about this new arc so far is about jiraiya and honestly i’m going to have to gif it to do it justice.  that scene with him and naruto where naruto falls asleep on him just...struck me down where i sat.  i was actually about ready to cry for real.  my feelings couldn’t take it.  i used to not really care too much about jiraiya in the shonen jump days (and yes, there’s some stupid stuff with him that you have to just look past if you’re going to enjoy things) but i love him so much now and i am finding myself so moved by the way he is rejoining the village and (re)building his connections with the people there, and how much meaning has been brought back into his life by the opportunity to work with naruto in particular, and how like...i mean, this is just my own impression, because i haven’t seen his full backstory yet, but he strikes me as someone who’s been running away for a long time, who had very little hope for the future, someone who experienced some terrible things and gave up, just like tsunade, until he runs into naruto.  and now things have changed for him, and it warms my heart to see it.  i love watching him take naruto on training field trips, and i love the depth of care we see from him towards naruto now - a far cry from the “i don’t like kids” of early shonen jump.  i love seeing him collaborate with kakashi - tag-teaming their teaching and climbing in through the window to check on him in the hospital and teasing him about how silly he looks with a sheet over his nose.  i’ve just become so touched by his progression and by the way the establishment of these relationships with “his” kids and the village as a whole (bonds, connections, all the things that this show can’t shut up about) has almost been a...healing sort of thing for him and has changed his entire outlook on life and given him a new sense of hope/meaning.  

like.  i can’t believe i am out here having jiraiya emotions after how little i cared about him when i first met him, but...here i am.  

Okay so I'm balling over this goddamn song and destiel and I need to let you all know why so here it is: An Analysis of the Lyrics and Why They Fit Destiel Perfectly.

I just want to point out that Andrew Rannells (Whizzer) and Christian Borle (Marvin) perform this perfectly and I love them.

This is a very long post so be warned before you press that button.

It's important to have context so we can connect these two pairings together properly and bring more meaning out of this song like it deserves. So the main part of the synopsis says:

"Marvin, after Whizzer’s death, reflects on their relationship and how loving Whizzer has changed his life. Whizzer’s spirit come back, dressed as he was in the first scene, both commenting on how they changed each others lives and on the future they were robbed of."

Now let me just change some words here and we'll see how we all feel:

"Dean, after Cas’s death, reflects on their relationship and how loving Cas has changed his life. Cas’s spirit come back, dressed in his trenchcoat, both commenting on how they changed each others lives and on the future they were robbed of."

Are you crying yet? Don't worry we haven't even seen the lyrics yet.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"[MARVIN]" Now I'd like to start off by saying that Marvin has been with both men and women and he's struggled with his own internalized homophobia and has found it difficult to openly love Whizzer throughout the show. The parallels are clear between Marvin and Dean.

"What would I do If I had not met you?" You can think of this two ways. One - What would Dean have done if Cas had not met him in Hell and saved him? Still getting tortured or more likely torturing others, an experience that he hated and wished to never live through again. The second (and I think better) way to think of this line is, when Dean met Cas on earth. How meeting Cas changed his life forever, opening him up to a whole new world of having someone who thought that he deserved to be saved and who gave up an entire army for him. Who proved his love and loyalty to him time and time again. So what would Dean have done if he had never met Cas on Earth? What if Cas never reached out to him after saving Dean from Hell? A little bit later in this verse Marvin sings...

"There are no answers"

...in regards to this question. Because there really are no answers to what would Dean have done without Cas because we simply can't imagine it. The same goes for Dean. Cas has changed his life so much that it's impossible to imagine what his life would be like without Cas.

"Who would I blame my life on?" When Christian Borle delivers this line on stage it's said with a small, sad laugh. Similar to how Dean uses humour to hide his feelings, Marvin does too.

"Once I was told That all men get what they deserve Who the hell then threw this curve?" Despite everything Cas has done wrong, Dean and all of us know that Cas did not get what he deserved when the Empty took him. We believe he deserved to be happy with Dean and Dean thinks so too.

"There are no answers But who would I be If you had not been my friend?" The word 'friend' here is what really ties it to Dean for me because they were friends first, they helped eachother through thick and thin before love started to seep in as well. Sure there was attraction from the beginning but it's about the fact that Dean's only shown to have one true, close best friend, and that's Cas.

"You're the only one One out of a thousand others Only one my child would allow" Alright so this line I did struggle to link to destiel, I was thinking about Jack and Claire but they're Cas's children. But what if we think of the 'child' as Sam. Dean raised Sam so it's easy to see him as his 'child' and it's important to Dean that Sam accepts the people that he's friends with. This is even more important with Cas because Dean may want to have a relationship with him in the future and also Cas lives in the bunker... with them. Dean definitaly needs Sam's permission if he wants Cas to live in their home. It's clear that Cas and Sam are the people Dean cares about the most and to have Sam 'allow' Cas to stay in their home and share their space is something that's really important to Dean.

"When I'm having fun You're the one I wanna talk to" Cue every gif of Dean smiling while hanging out with Cas or talking to Cas over the phone.

"Where have you been?" Where has Cas been for all of Dean's life? He completes Dean, builds up his self-confidence and assures him that he is wanted, needed and important. Just where has Cas been for all of Dean's life?

"Where are you now? So on this note there's a beautiful key change into the next part and it just makes it so much more profound. (Also Dean has no gosh darn clue where Cas is, who tf is the Empty?)

"Who would I be If I had not loved you?" This moment is fucking beautiful. It's Dean finally speaking his truth and telling Cas, wherever he is, that he loved him. He loved Cas and that changed him for the better, made him into the person he is today.

"How would I know what love is?" Dean has never been told so openly and honestly by anyone about how he is important, he's worthwhile and that he deserves to live a happy and full life, no one has done that besides Cas. No one has shown their loyalty and love to him in the most blatant and profound ways possible, giving up an entire army, rebelling against their own family, sticking by his side no matter what. Staying. How would Dean know what true love is without Cas constantly showing him what love means and what it feels like be loved fully and truly. Of course Dean has experienced love before, he's been in at least 2 other relationships (that I can think of off of the top of my head) but he's never felt love like the way he does with Cas.

"God only knows, too soon I'll remember your faults Meanwhile, though, it's tears and schmaltz" Of course as Dean relives memories of Cas, he'll be reminded of all of his faults, all of the things he did wrong even when he thought that what he was doing was right (Leviathians, Lucifer). But for now, Dean will breakdown and cry and grieve but most of all he'll remember Cas and how much he loved him.

"[WHIZZER]" Alright so Whizzer is a character who has never been shy about his sexuality, about how much he likes being with men. Similar to Cas who simply doesn't understand why people hide who they're attracted to until Dean came along and taught him differently.

"All your life you've wanted men" I like to think that this line applies to both Cas and Dean and I'll explore that with the next two lines.

"And when you got it up to have them Who knew it could end your life?" This is getting a bit meta now. When Dean was so very close to finally speaking his truth on screen, he died. (And in some versions he does speak his truth but that's another story). There was no reason for Dean to die in the finale, who knew that when he finally shared that he loved another man he would be killed for no reason two episodes later.

This line can also be in reference to Cas's experience. When Cas was finally able to tell Dean that he loved him, when he finally gained to courage to not only share his feelings but also to have his happiness ripped away from him, he died. Dean and Cas both knew what was going to happen when Cas said those words. It wasn't a surprise, yet it still felt like one.

"[MARVIN] I left my kid and left my wife" This is the moment when I could not stop crying and thinking about destiel when listening to this song. Dean left Lisa and (totally not) his son in season 5.

"To be with you" Of course it's a little bit of a stretch to say that Dean left Lisa and Ben solely for Cas (expecially since I think Dean realised his love for Cas in Season 7-8 so the timeline wouldn't make sense for me) but I like to think of this line from the perspective of Dean grieving Cas and looking back on how Cas changed his life. Of course he would remember that he left Lisa and Ben in order to be with Cas because that was 10 years ago and the memory is now muddled with grief, time and his now unwavering love for Cas. "To be insulted by such handsome men" This line just reminds me of the scene in the car when Cas and Dean are arguing (you know what I'm on about)

"[WHIZZER] Do you regret—?" Cas is asking Dean, do you regret loving me? Do you regret letting me into your life? Do you regret our friendship? It's beautiful to think that Cas feels vulnerable in this moment, he thinks that Dean regrets letting him into his life.

"[MARVIN] I'd do it again I'd like to believe that I'd do it again And again and again..." Now Dean's the one to build Cas back up, to assure him that he does not regret a thing. He's building up Cas's confidence and supporting him just like Cas has been doing for Dean.

"And What more can I say? [WHIZZER] What more can I say?" They're both lost for words, what do they say now? They know that they love eachother and they know that they won't be able to be together because of Cas's deal. What do you say in that situation?

"[MARVIN] How am I to face tomorrow?" Dean still has to continue living, without Cas. In 15x19 he's drowning himself in beer as he grieves the loss of Cas. How can he face tomorrow after Cas has confessed his love for him and then died in a matter of minutes? How can he face tomorrow knowing that saying that he loves Dean, that by having Dean know that someone loves him, is the happiest moment Cas has ever felt?

"[BOTH] After being screwed out of today" Haha screw...

"Tell me what's in store" They're still looking to eachother for guidance and support despite the distance between them.

"[MARVIN] Yes, I'd beg or steal or borrow" Dean's turning to things that he can control in order to deal with his grief. Despite the finale ending I think it's widely accepted in the Destiel fandom that Dean would work night and day until he got Cas back from the empty.

"If I could hold you for One hour more [WHIZZER] One hour more [MARVIN] One hour more [WHIZZER] One hour more [BOTH] One hour, one hour more" Now that they know that they both love eachother, that they could have had everything they wanted if they just told one another. They're begging all of the higher powers that there are that they could enjoy what could have been for one hour. Simply relishing in the fact that they are happy and in love and that they are both wanted.

"[MARVIN] What would I do [WHIZZER] What would I do [MARVIN] If I had not seen you? [WHIZZER] If I had not seen you? [BOTH] Who would I feast my eyes on?" Once again I'm just thinking about the idea of that 'one hour more' and how they would constantly compliment one another and freely look at each other without shame or embarrassment and to just allow themselves to have everything that they wanted.

"Once I was told That good men get better with age [MARVIN] We're just gonna skip that stage" This can be seen two ways, one is that Cas simply cannot age and Dean is once again using humour to hide his grief. Or my favourite version which is that Dean never got to grow old with Cas, (I strongly believe that Cas would allow his vessel to grow old with Dean). Dean wanted to live a normal life, he wanted to get a job and stop hunting but most of all he wanted to grow old with Cas.

If you watch the live version of this song here: https://youtu.be/ZscL4LOLP7Y

You'll hear how Christian Borle's voice cracks when delivering this line. The rest of the lyrics are repeats of lines that I've already covered.

And I'm done boys. Thank you for sticking with this very very long post but I needed to get this out somewhere.

I highly recommend watching Falsettos for yourself if you want to get a better insight into how Marvin/Whizzer and Destiel compare or if you just like the look of it.

Hullo, Steph, and happy new year! Sorry if someone has asked this already, but I’m searching for Jealous John fics (preferably new ones). Just finished reading “White Knight” by DiscordantWords, and it is amazing!!! Once again, thank you SO MUCH for all the work and effort you put into this blog... the fandom wouldn’t be the same without you.

Hi Nonny!! 

Thank you for the well wishes! I hope you had a good holiday season yourself

I don’t have very many new Jealous John fics, but I do have some new ones to add to my past lists! So, why not, let’s update my Jealous John and Jealous Sherlock Fic rec list!!

JEALOUSY Pt. 5

See Also:

Jealous John

Jealous John Pt. 2 and Jealous Sherlock Pt 2

Jealous John Pt 3 and Jealous Sherlock Pt 3

Jealous John and Sherlock Pt. 4

JEALOUS JOHN

Anchor Point by trickybonmot (E, 49,856 w., 80 Ch. || Truman Show AU || Psychological Drama, Suspense, Slow Burn, Dark Characters / Fic, Alternating First/Third Person, Protective John, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Tender Moments, Love Confessions, Hand/Blow Jobs, Cuddling, Jealous John, First Kiss/Time) – The world tunes in nightly for Sherlock, the ultimate in reality TV: Sherlock Holmes, a real person with a legendary name, unknowingly lives out his life in a staged setting contrived by his brother. Things get complicated when a retired army doctor joins the show to play the part of Sherlock’s closest friend. This fic borrows its concept from the 1998 film, the Truman Show. However, you don’t need to have any knowledge of the movie to enjoy this story.

Hell Sent, Heaven Bound by ConsultingHound (M, 64,381 w, 16 Ch. || Angels / Demons AU ||  Fallen Angel Sherlock / Angel Cop John, Alternate First Meeting, Slow Burn, Case Fic, John & Lestrade are Friends Before Sherlock, BAMF John, Mind Palace John, Friends to Lovers, John in Denial, Sherlock Picks Out John’s Clothing, Clubbing / Dancing, Mildly Jealous John, Awkwardness, Kidnapping, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Sacrifice, Worried / Anxious Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Immortal to Mortal) – Ex-War healer and current angelic guard John Watson is not having the best day. He overslept, he’s underpaid, and now there’s someone tagging the Council’s building walls. However things may be about to get interesting: there’s an unusual stranger hanging around (the definition of tall, dark, and handsome), a literal underground cult is brewing, and rumblings are coming from hell. Can he keep his neighbourhood safe, how and why is he being connected to all this, and who the hell is Sherlock Holmes?

White Knight by DiscordantWords (M, 69,840 w., 13 Ch. || S4 Compliant/Post S4, Marriage For a Case, Jealous John, Pining John, Janine / Sherlock Fake Relationship, Serial Killers, Case Fic, Undercover as a Couple, Weddings, John is a Mess, Misunderstandings, Wedding Planning, Jealousy, Drunkenness, Love Confessions, Angst with Happy Ending) – Green. The word green was used to convey a great many things. Illness. Envy. Inexperience. Standing there amidst Janine’s chattering bridesmaids, watching Sherlock furrow his brow and study fabric swatches, watching him smile and simper and flirt, John thought it a remarkably apt colour choice. Because he felt quite sick to his stomach, he feared the source of said sickness might very well be jealousy, and he had absolutely no idea at all what to do about it. Or: Sherlock needs to fake a relationship for a case. He doesn’t ask John.

The Bang and the Clatter by earlgreytea68 (M, 137,049 w. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Baseball AU || Slow Burn / Dev. Rel., Possessive/Obsessive Sherlock, Jealous Sherlock, Mutual Pining, Body Appreciation, Depression, Closeted Sexuality, Family, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Ogling Each Other, Anxious Sherlock, Panic Attack, Drunkenness, Talk of Forever, Big Feelings™) – Sherlock Holmes is a pitcher and John Watson is a catcher. No, no, no, it’s a baseball AU. Part 1 of Baseball

Proving A Point by elldotsee & J_Baillier (E, 186,270 w., 28 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Me Before You Fusion || Medical Realism, Insecure John, Depression, Romance, Angst, POV John, Sherlock Whump, Serious Illness, Doctor John, Injury Recovery, Assisted Suicide, Sherlock’s Violin, Awkward Sexual Situations, Alcoholism, Drugs, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn, Body Image, Friends to Lovers, Hurt / Comfort, Pain, Big Brother Mycroft, Intimacy, Anxiety, PTSD, Family Issues, Psychological Trauma, John Whump, Case Fics, Loneliness, Pain) – Invalided home from Afghanistan, running out of funds and convinced that his surgical career is over, John Watson accepts a mysterious job offer to provide care and companionship for a disabled person. Little does he know how much hangs in the balance of his performance as he settles into his new life at Musgrave Court.

JEALOUS SHERLOCK

Santa Knows by Itsallfine (T, 1,719 w., 1 Ch. || Christmas Party, Love Confessions, First Kiss, Fluff, Matchmaking, POV Sherlock, Pining Sherlock) – Sherlock and John both get exactly what they want from the Yard’s secret Santa exchange. Pure holiday fluff.

Denial Isn’t Just a River in Egypt by satanatemycat (T, 2,107 w., 1 Ch. || Humour, Friendship, Texting, Bored/Cranky Sherlock) – In which John makes a bet with a co-worker. If he wins, she shuts up about him and Sherlock being a couple. If he loses… well, that doesn’t matter, because he won’t lose. Because he and Sherlock ARE NOT a couple. Right?

The Haunting of 221B Baker Street by earlgreytea68 (M, 10,388 w., 2 Ch. || Post TRF, Halloween / Ghosts, Pining Sherlock, Ghost Sherlock, Stroppy Sherlock, Sherlock POV, First Kiss/Time, Angry Sex, Ghost Sex, Love Confessions, Open / Ambiguous Ending) – In which Sherlock Holmes is a ghost.

The Burning of the Leaves by blueink3 (M, 15,915 w., 3 Ch. || Post S4, Angst, Reichenbach, Parentlock, Past Jolto, Idiot John, Sherlock’s a Mess, Puppies, Fluff, Possessive / Jealous Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Sherlock POV, Matchmaker Sholto, Melancholic Feelings, Emotional Sherlock, Domesticity, Love Confessions in the Rain, Kissing in the Rain, Pet Names) – After the events of series 4, Major Sholto invites John and Sherlock to lunch one day. It nearly proves to be too much for their tenuous relationship as the past haunts the present, putting the future that Sherlock so desperately wants at risk.

You’re On the Air by prettysailorsoldier (M, 20,616 w., 1 Ch. || Unilock, Matchmaking, Radio, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Sherlock POV, Pining Sherlock, Flirting, Bisexual John) – The Consulting Detective and The Woman dominate the airwaves of their university radio station, doling out advice on everything from meeting the parents to sexual positions. When their ratings start to dip before the holidays, however, manager Mike thinks it’s time for some fresh blood, and who better to fill in the gaps than rugby captain–and notorious flirt–John Watson? Part 1 of 25 Days of Johnlock

A Home for Us by sussexbound (M, 30,581 w., 12 Ch. || Scars, Bedsharing, Grief, Doctor John, Hurt/Comfort, Post-TRF, Implied/Referenced Torture, Sherlock POV, Pining Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation, Heavy Emotions, Clingy Sherlock, Hallucinations, Disassociation, Emotional Turmoil) – He has been on the road for two years, and he is exhausted. He’s almost accepted that he will never see London (John) again—almost. But then there are nights like tonight, where he is weak, and all he can think of is the warmth of the flat they once shared, the crackle of the fire in the hearth, the teasing smile playing at the corner of John’s lips, the boxes of half-eaten Chinese takeaway balanced precariously in their laps. He aches at the memory of it, at the realisation that it is something he may never experience again.

The Whore of Babylon Was a Perfectly Nice Girl by out_there (E, 32,897 w., 1 Ch. || Past Drug Use, Blowjobs, Toplock, Mentions of Switching, Rough Sex, Background Cases, Sherlock’s Past, Sherlock’s Sexual History, Experienced Sherlock, Past One Night Stands, Fingering, Cuddling, Possessive Sherlock, Paris Holiday, Bed Sharing, Naked Lie-Ins, Bathing Together, Confessions, Worried Sherlock, Laying in Bed All Day, Meddling Mycroft, Naked Lazy Day) – Sherlock walks into a room and takes all the space right out of it. He does the same inside John’s head.

Guidelines by WithLoweredVoices (M, 43,018 w., 15 Ch. || Winglock || Angels, Fantasy, Angst, BAMF! John, War, Jealous Sherlock, Possessive Sherlock, Jealous John, Falling in Various Ways, Needy Sherlock, Wings) – The Good Soldier, one of the oldest and strongest of the fallen, is offered a bargain: to live as John Watson and to Guide a fledgling archangel so that he will stay on the path of good. Of course, Sherlock Holmes has different ideas about his destiny. Fantasy AU. Warnings for violence, occasional gore, and a whole load of hurt and angst.

Being John Watson-ish by elwinglyre (E, 69,902 w., 17 Ch. || Bodysnatcher AU || Author John, Cranky Sherlock, Angst, Sexual Tension, First Kiss / Time, Falling in Love, BAMF John, Past Soldier John, Feelings, Inside Someone’s Brain, Shy Sherlock, Sherlock Loves John, POV Sherlock, Switchlock, Slow Burn, Internal Dialogue, Mental Turmoil) – When consulting detective Sherlock Holmes steps on one toe too many at a crime scene, he’s consigned to a desk job in an archaic office on the seventh-and-a-half floor of the New Scotland Yard. It’s in this bleak office that Sherlock discovers a portal into the mind of renowned author John Watson. Grander than his mind palace, this new wonderland affords Sherlock new vistas of experimentation. To learn more about the mystery behind the portal, Sherlock seeks out and befriends Watson. But then it all goes wrong when others find the secret portal door—including the man whose brain he visits.

Video Games Are Enjoyable To Gain Access To

Games aren't a home hobby for your super-nerdy any longer! Today the game playing sector is as large (and profitable) as other leisure press like Hollywood or perhaps the Television set networking sites. There are actually video games available for gamers of each stripe, from the die hard simulator enthusiast to the casual gamer who would like to destroy a few minutes (plus some bad guys) in her phone. If you are a parent or gaurdian, make sure you examine the ESRB reviews on the video game before you make a purchase for your personal youngster. Several games consist of some very bloody instances and a horrible words and sex innuendo. Should you be anxious above your son or daughter experiencing this stuff, learn the rankings method and get accordingly. Consider video game splits. Being placed in the identical place for too long may be hazardous to your state of health. Power yourself every single 30 minutes going to that pause button and move across the place for any little bit. This will aid your whole body as well as obvious your mind. Actively playing games is a wonderful way to chill out right after a hard day at work or in school. Don't permit a tricky stage on the video game detract out of this soothing activity. Including the most seasoned gamers a while need a cheat code to assist survive through a remarkably tough level. On the Internet, there are many great sites that provide cheat codes and strategy tutorials for various video gaming. Should you can't work through a particular stage, shut down all sound, be it the in-game seems or songs you have wear. This will help to truly concentrate on exactly what is going on before you and you may have a better chance of progressing within the video game. Persistence can be your good friend in terms of purchasing games. Even though most large-label games get released with premium prices, their costs will tumble speedily after some time. Holding out a couple of months can rating you major cost savings. As an extra, it is possible to pick up much better types (such as development pack content material) when you maintain away from just a little although. Don't perform games for more than a few hours daily. Enjoying games could become obsessive, and that means you must take control of your publicity. Make your video gaming just to 3 or much less hrs per day. If you opt to surpass to limit, give both hands a break every so often. When purchasing games for your personal youngsters, think about their passions. There are autoclick.vn on the market given that your daughter, who loves ponies, will get an exciting online game just together with your son, who enjoys army games. Look at video gaming retailer and inquire the clerk for game playing recommendations for all passions. Maintain posture in mind although taking part in your online games. If you engage in online games within a sitting down situation, it is crucial that you avoid slouching and look after healthy posture. If a lot more lively online games are the issue, be sure you expand and consider splits. This will assist keep you from getting online game-associated accidents. If you're enjoying a game on the internet, and you stumble upon yet another player who seems to be aggravating other players (or you, in particular) deliberately, don't take it personally. This is called "Griefing," and it's the gaming same as Web trolling. Griefers are simply out for negative interest, and you provide them with what they're looking for if you communicate with them. Don't get on an emotional level purchased what's happening and just attempt to dismiss it. With a little luck, this information has provided a small amount of clean details on the subject of online games. The viewers for today's video games is really as large because the population itself. Gentlemen, women, young boys, and young girls are all experiencing on their own with one of these digital entertainments. The buzz of the game titles only continues to grow, creating this kind of information more and more beneficial.