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animeyanderelover · 3 years

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I've looked through your "sharing a darling" post and I've been inspired. I'd love to see Tsunade with a darling, who's Orochimaru's little sister. I imagine she and Tsuna probably were friends before she deserted the village with Orochi. And when she's nowhere near as heartless as Orochi, she's a morally-gray type of person. [With romantic yandere!Tsunade + platonic!yandere Orochimaru]

I’m glad you got inspired by my post☺️.

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessiveness, obsessiveness, paranoia, violence

Darling is Orochimaru’s little sister

🐍🐌We’ve often talked about this, but Orochimaru has a weird way of showing his care, especially if it comes to persons he’s obsessed with. If you would be a test object he would most likely show genuine interest in you because you’re very useful. But how does this work when you’re his sister? It’s suspected that a part of why Orochimaru became the way he is like he is because he wanted to leave the painful memories of the past behind, including the death of his parents. So you were the only family he had left.

🐍🐌His way of caring showed himself from a very young age on with wanting you to get stronger. Orochimaru has a dislike for the fragility of life and it’s most likely that you and him shared more or less the same interest in kinjutsu. I can’t say that you had the same obsession as him with it, but you just tagged along with him.

🐍🐌Since Tsunade and Orochimaru were on the same team it was understandable that you were friends with them. Jiraiya was probably the guy who often asked you out on dates and made some less appropriate comments about you, earning a hit on the head from Tsunade and a unnerving look from Orochimaru. Tsunade was most likely friends with you because you were the only other girl from the three.

🐍🐌At the beginning it was just a friendship, a strong one. Tsunade was often a bit worried about you, knowing how twisted Orochimaru could be. You never minded, being used to all of this since you had grown up with him together.

🐍🐌Tsunade started becoming a tad more clingy and overprotective after Nawaki had died. It was somewhat of the beginning of her Yandere tendencies and it stayed that way even after she had got to know Dan. You often visited with her together Nawaki’s grave and showed him respect for his actions. But you were glad that Tsunade had found someone else who made her happy since you had suffered with her after the death of her brother. Because despite being slightly influenced from Orochimaru’s twisted personality you had always been the one who had cared more and showed it more.

🐍🐌Somehow I think after Dan died as well and you were again there to comfort Tsunade you somehow started to see things a bit more from Orochimaru’s side, understanding why he loathed the fragility of life. Because humans were so delicate that you could lose them at any moment. I would even go as far that Tsunade’s devastation over Nawaki and Dan left a huge impact on you and led you to becoming who you were.

🐍🐌Tsunade was at first most likely only a platonic Yandere for you, still seeing you as her best friend. She became incredibly clingy and overprotective and also started greatly disliking your brother. Why? Because Orochimaru gave off the feeling that you didn’t mean anything to him and he wouldn’t even be sad if you would die. He hadn’t looked affected when Nawaki had died and he hadn’t looked really affected when Dan had died. So it was no wonder that Tsunade was terrified of losing you as well and needing to see how not even you as Orochimaru’s sister would lead him to show any sorrow.

🐍🐌It was at the beginning just the genuine desire to keep you safe and alive. But with time it turned into something more intense for Tsunade. The knowledge that she could lose the person who had been always there for you made her go almost crazy. She might not even have realized when exactly it had happened. But one day you just gave her a warm smile...And Tsunade felt her heart speeding up in her chest rapidly and butterflies erupting from the pit of her stomach.

🐍🐌Orochimaru watched all of this with narrowed eyes, the way how Tsunade started clinging onto you tightly and the way she looked at you. It didn’t matter to him that Tsunade deserved happiness after everything that had happened to her. He didn’t want you to become weak by becoming too sentimental which you obviously were. It wasn’t like you had already changed a lot because of him, your view of the world having become slightly distorted because of his influence and the still fresh memory of Tsunade mourning over her brother and her lover. And I bet Orochimaru used that to control you a bit more.

🐍🐌Tsunade on the other hand worried because she noticed clearly how much you had changed in those last years and she knew too well who the culprit was. So she tried to keep you away from Orochimaru by often going out with you and asking you to spend time with him. And this didn’t suit with Orochimaru who would have preferred to continue training and experimenting with you.

🐍🐌It was most likely out of loyalty and own belief that you decided to follow Orochimaru into exile, some of his beliefs having influenced you as well. And Tsunade was once again completely devastated for losing another precious person to her, asking herself what she had done so terribly wrong in life to lose everyone she seemed to love.

🐍🐌Being Orochimaru’s sister and most likely on the same level of strength as him made you very respected and worshipped by his underlings like Kabuto and Kimimaro. And despite searching with him for a way to gain complete immortality You never agreed with his opinions all the time, disliking the way he treated others. You were somewhat of a mother figure for many people under him and were even known to forgive people different than Orochimaru. And Orochimaru didn’t really like this, fearing that your softness would be one day your death sentence. Orochimaru isn’t the type to start a fight over this, at least not in the classic sense. But he would cruelly tease your weak spots to get a reaction out of you and to try to reason with you that being so soft wouldn’t bring you anywhere.

🐍🐌I guess that Tsunade’s heart broke even more after hearing what you were doing, experimenting on people to gain immortality. She blamed herself for this, feeling like she should have ripped you away from your brother’s tight grip sooner since he had been the one who had corrupted you like this.

🐍🐌Tsunade met you most likely again whilst Naruto and Jiraiya were searching for her to convince her to become the fifth Hokage. She was already pissed enough at Orochimaru, never having forgiven him for ruining you like this. But she was also scared when seeing you again, freezing at first. She just really hoped that there was still some part of the old you left and not having become as cruel and heartless as Orochimaru had. You were also shocked to see her again, feeling a bit conflicted about how to face her after all those years again.

🐍🐌During the fight of the three you didn’t really participate, watching more from a distance. Not because you were lazy, but because you and Orochimaru knew that you might switch sides during the battle. Because you still cared. Tsunade was still your friend. So when Orochimaru wanted to kill Naruto and Tsunade kept sacrificing herself you would have lied if you would have said that you didn’t care. Instead you might have even tried to stop Orochimaru from completely killing her, that was at least until she released her jutsu and showed what she was capable off.

🐍🐌Different from Orochimaru you also never disliked Naruto and saw him as a poor excuse. You saw potential and passion in him, reminding you of Nawaki. That’s why you wanted to keep him alive. Because he had helped Tsunade out of her misery. And you were proud of her when she officially became Hokage, sending a anonymous gift and a small letter in which you congratulated her and told her how happy you were for her. And Tsunade knew too well who had sent her this.

🐍🐌I feel like after Sasuke joined Orochimaru you might have even gone as far as sometimes giving the village hints about his development without anyone finding out. And whenever such small notes received in the village, dropping hints about current whereabouts or informations about possible future plans from Orochimaru Tsunade always felt hopeful and encouraged that the old You was still there, that you weren’t completely possessed by evil like your older brother was.

🐍🐌I feel like you traveled back to the village after Sasuke killed Orichimaru. You had no reason to stay after all. And for someone who was known as an S-rated criminal you came over pretty calm when suddenly appearing in front of the gates of your old village. And best belief that when Tsunade Heard- that you were back, she completely lost it and instantly stormed towards you, not knowing whether to yell at you for doing such terrible things to her and other people or cry and suffocate you in a hug out of relief. In the end it became a mix made out of both.

🐍🐌You were taken under custody back into the village, your reputation being a bit saved because of all the small hints you had given them through the years. That and the fact that you answered all questions honestly have some ninjas troubles to judge you rightfully, not knowing whether to think of you as a good or bad person. On the one hand you had experimented on others, you had used the same jutsu as Orochimaru to reach immortality and many other things. But on the other hand there were countless tellings and rumors from many places and people that you had freed them out of Orochimaru’s grip or had even helped villages in need on your journeys. That made it somewhat troublesome whether to decide if you belonged in prison or not.

🐍🐌In the end it was decided to not send you into prison, mainly because Tsunade had insisted on it, but also because many had agreed that you had done many good things after all and had come back on your own free will, not to mention that you had told them everything they had wanted and needed answers for for so long. But you were kept under very tight custody, a few Anbu members always watching you.

🐍🐌Shizune knew from Tsunade’s love for you, having witnessed many times how Tsunade had started becoming very talkative about you after a few or many bottles of sake and knew that Tsunade had still feelings for you. And she advices to not risk anything with you, they still didn’t know whether you were on their side or not. Tsunade didn’t want to hear this, but not because she believed that Shizune was wrong, but because she knew that Shizune might be right.

🐍🐌She often came visiting you, wanting to at least talk to you and know why you had done this. Why you had left her. Why you had decided to tag along with Orochimaru. Why you had done all those terrible things and still so much good stuff at the same time. What were your motives?

🐍🐌I feel like Tsunade would be able to start a normal relationship with you after the war and after Orochimaru was reincarnated. Because the main problem before had been that people had, when looking at you, only been able to see Orochimaru. A cruel and sadistic criminal. But for whatever reason Orochimaru had been forgiven after the shinobi war and Tsunade also retired more or less since Kakashi became the sixth Hokage shortly after the war ended. There will be some tension between her and Orochimaru after that, especially since Tsunade still blames Orochimaru for corrupting you like this. Orochimaru wouldn’t be too happy either, but surprisingly he’s more okay than Tsunade with this since he doesn’t hold that much of a personal grudge against her like she does. He did become better after the war and was more accepting with it. As long as you don’t become a weakling that is, power is still a thing and will always be a thing for him.

#yandere naruto #yandere naruto shippuden #yandere orochimaru #yandere tsunade #yandere tsunade senju #platonic yandere

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jihyuncompass · 4 years

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Hello :) I asked for a matchup and I loved it so much so I thought I would take advantage of your requests being open too. Idk if you would make this like a headcannon thing or what but either way I smell potential. A royalty AU! Like Seven is MCs knight, Jumin and Jaehee are royal advisors, Zen the royal musician??? Idk what everyone would be lol but what if Saeran was attacking MC to give Rika the thrown?? OMG the DRAMA! Anyway I think it's a fun idea but it might be little long so no pressure

I’m glad you liked your matchup! Okay so I’ve been thinking about this for a while and I love this idea a lot! I’m just gonna kinda throw ideas out because I couldn’t think of anything super structured at the moment.

OKAY so-

In this AU I kind of imagine it like this, basically how the RFA is structured is kinda just transferred over to a royal setting.

V is definitely the King here. I think he’d be a pretty good ruler, he’d be the kind of king who genuinely cares about his subjects. I think maybe he wouldn’t be the best at some aspects of running a Kingdom but hey that’s why he has advisors.

Speaking of advisors Jumin is absolutely his head royal advisor. He and V grew up together and so they have this unbreakable trust in each other. Jumin is very good at his job and would arguably be a better king than V when it comes to the political aspects.

Jaehee I think would either be a royal advisor like Jumin or she would still work as Jumin’s assistant. I think either position would work but either way Jumin is definitely the top advisor.

For Yoosung I think that he’d be from a noble family, he definitely has some role in the royal court. I could possibly see him as a knight in training? He’s also related to the Queen in this scenario so that helps.

Zen is absolutely royal musician, every time they have diplomats or royal guests they always have Zen perform during great feasts. He may not be a big fan of royal advisor Jumin but he greatly respects the King so he never hesitates to perform.

Okay, now here’s where I get into the twins, MC, and Rika because that’s where all of my favorite ideas are.

Starting with Rika, she used to be the Queen and was pretty well loved by the Kingdom. Everyone thought that Queen Rika and King V’s relationship was perfect. Both kind and gentle.

However their relationship was much more complicated, behind the scenes their relationship was extremely broken and unhealthy.

More on that in a bit though.

One day the King and Queen came across a kid who had snuck into the palace while on a walk. He had a bag he had filled with food and some valuables.

While the normal course of action for something like this would obviously lead to imprisonment, but he was just a kid so they decided to take mercy on him.

Also turns out this kid is pretty smart for being able to sneak into the palace and get away with taking that much stuff before getting caught just by chance.

Turns out the reason that he tried to steal from the palace is to be able to help his brother who got sick a lot of the time. He got food to feed him with and valuables to sell to take care of him.

They decide to have this kid get trained to become a royal spy. By doing this not only do they give him a good chance of survival but also promise protection and care for his brother too. Unfortunately the kid has to keep his distance in order to keep up his role as a spy.

The kid, once Saeyoung takes on a new name of Luciel to represent his new start at life.

Okay fast forward a bit now.

The relationship between the King and Queen was deteriorating, and deteriorating fast.

Pretty much no one knows this though, the two of them are pretty good at hiding it. Not even Jumin is really aware of what is going on.

But then the Queen disappears, they search for her but they never find her so she ends up being presumed dead. Because of her death V basically goes into a deep depression, Jumin ends up making most of the decisions around the kingdom.

Then one day a commoner ends up in the palace after getting a strange message summoning them there for a vague reason.

The whole thing ends up becoming a whole conspiracy within the palace. So a plan is enacted.

They set up a story that the commoner, MC was royalty from a distant kingdom, the reason for their presence in the kingdom is vague but there’s a rumor that they might be summoned for a possible arranged political marriage.

And arriving with this mysterious royal? Their personal Knight Seven who’s been tasked to protect them.

The only people who know MC’s true identity are the royal spy Luciel who’s pretending to be a Knight, Top advisors Jumin and Jaehee, Knight in training Yoosung, King V, and Royal musician Zen.

They decide to hold up this false narrative until they can figure out for sure who brought MC to the palace and for what reason.

While all of this is going on MC starts receiving letters from the same person who brought them to the palace. These letters start telling them about the various members of the royal court. Especially about her “Knight” and the King.

Through investigation it’s discovered that not only is the Queen alive, but she was the one who brought MC to the palace, her plan being to try and take down the King so she could take back the power without V around.

Working with her is Saeran, Luciel’s brother who he hasn’t seen in years and who was the one sending letters to MC

How this situation is solved is varied, the cool thing about this idea is that it’s pretty open, there’s lots of different directions for things to go.

Same with the romance options here, MC matches with pretty much everyone here and it would be good.

The bodyguard trope with Seven and MC? Incredible

MC falling for one of the royal advisors? Outstanding.

Yoosung stepping up to also be MC’s knight after falling for them? Nice.

MC falling for the handsome royal bard with the singing voice of an angel after watching him perform? It’s like a movie scene!

MC falling for the King who is still coping with the loss of the Queen? That could be an iconic combination of an arranged marriage and fake dating trope all bundled into one.

MC falling in love with the mysterious stranger who keeps sending them letters? Super compelling!

This AU presents a lot of different options and I really love that about this idea. It can still follow a lot of the plot and ideas of the game while also being open to a whole lot of other concepts.

I could go on but I think I’m gonna leave it here but if you want me to talk more on this I totally can. I could definitely talk about different “routes” this AU could take but this was really fun to think about!

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tohruhondaismydaughter · 4 years

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I've just discovered there's people who hate Kakeru. Not dislike or don't get the hype about him but genuinely seem to hate him. Now obviously personal preferences are a thing but I seriously don't get where this hate could be coming from because with

1. Akito- phyically assaults people (including kids), held a teenager hostage for daiting & trying to take a box of her's that Akito already knew was empty & also stabbed someone after they tried to help her & left them to potentially die

2. Shigure- regularly makes perverted "jokes" about people who are underage (including the 16 year old girl who lives with him & cleans/cooks for him + he's family) & admits to manipulating everyone around him for he's own selfish goal regardless of how it could hurt others & that he dosn't really care about being kind even to the people he supposedly loves + he likes messing with people he knows are already terribly anxious & he also won in the end while never having to actually sacrifice anything important to him or really learn anything of value

3. Ayame- abounded he's brother to abuse till he was almost 30 & says various inappropriate things in front of & towards High Schoolers

4. Kagura- pretended to love someone 3 years younger then her who she saw as beneath her in a violent (though it was obviously in out-dated slap stick) way until she was like 18 & then slaps Tohru so hard she becomes uncounsious

5. Kureno- enabler of Akito despite no longer being supernaturally bound to her & knowingly fell for a High Schooler

6. Hatori- enabler of Akito & erasers people's memories when told to regardless of how he knows it'll hurt others

7. Katsuya- knowingly married (& later impregnated) isolated & homeless 15 year old Kyoko when he was in he's 20's after meeting her as a teacher in her middle school

8. Ren- everything about her

9. Kyo's sperm donor- everything about him

10. Momiji's parents- how they handled the situation

11. Machi's mum- raised her daughter like a robot, replaced her, insulted her entire personality, acussed her of attempted murder with bassically zero evidence, kicked her out of her home, cut her off from her sibling & only ocasnially calls to insult her leading to her developing a rather unhealthy coping mechanism to deal with her damaged mental health

12. Machi & Kakeru's dad- cheated on his wife, made he's kids fight over thier inheritance before getting another child & then treating the first two like they no longer exsisted

13. Kakeru's mum- took years to realise that she shouldn't use her child to get money/power from an affair

14. Haru- got a little too insistent about phyical affection from someone who he knows is super emotinally scarred (I still love him though just don't think certain scenes with Rin were handeld as delicately as they probably should have been) & can get rather harsh to random people when he goes dark (the worse case of this being when he grabbed Tohru's arm)

15. Rin's parents- belong in hell

16. The Sohma maids (especially the old one)- are part of the reason Akito became as messed up as she did + just straight up seem to not view kids or the zodiac as human beings with thier own feelings or rights

17. Uo's mum- straight up abounded her young daughter after getting into a new relationship

18. Yuki & Ayame's mum- narsastic, dismissive, controlling, litrually sold one of her kids to thier abuser in exchange for wealth/status, never apologised or even acknowledged what she had done

19. Akira- pursued a relationship pretty much out of pure lonleyness, went along with the suppression of Akito's biological gender, didn't do enough to protect Akito from he's wife's abuse (though in he's defense he was incredible sickly), last few things he told he's child before dying was that he was glad he had her as proof of he's relationship with Ren (AKA the person that had made it clear to Akito that she hated her guts) & that she was special due to being god & her bond with the zodiac was her birth right & would always be there (leading Akito to obviously feeling possessive & intilted over the zodiac & base her entire identity on her position as their god)

20. Kyoko- neglected infant Tohru for months due to her depression after Katuya's death & was even planning on killing herself to be with him again before finally coming to her senses (I love her & I tottally get why she did what she did but if it weren't for gramps little Tohru would have been in one hell of bad situation)

21. The Yuki Fan Club- just thier entire attitude towards Yuki & any girl that interacts with him (I get that it's obviously a delibretly over the top anime gag but irl the way they behave would be seriously disturbing & I'm pretty sure might even be illegal now what with all the photos taken of Yuki without he's knowledge)

22. The former school president- he's creepy fravriotisim towards Yuki (& later he's son) & he's flat out harrasing of anyone wearing the school uniform in a none tradishinal way or anyone with an unusual hair colour (despite him bassically admitting that the school officials had already said that Momiji, Haru & Kyo's appearances were ok)

23. Kimi- I like her & she's obviously iconic but honestly the way she treats Machi kind of borders on bullying sometimes for me

24. Hiro- he's a child & I like him but when we first met him you can't deny he was being a grade A shit to Tohru, Kisa & everyone else (& he fucks up again with Tohru during the beach arc)

25. Rin- love her so much but the first time she met Tohru she did try to kick her in the head while in her horse form which you know isn't great & she was rather antagonistic towards Yuki for no real vaild reason

26. Kyo- using Yuki as a scape goat he's entire life even when he knew none of the terrible things that had happened to him were actually he's fault, hurting Tohru in he's true form (I get that he wasn't in he's right mind & was suffering greatly but it still wasn't good) & rejecting Tohru after everything they had been through in the way that he did (again he wasn't in he's right mind & was suffering greatly but it's still an incredibly low blow & I think he knew that as he tragically wanted to hurt her, similar to what he did in the true form scene, badly enough that she would finally choose to give up on him)

27. The entire zodiac (outside of Kagura & maybe Momiji)- it is revealed that the zodiac are supernaturally inclined to look down on the cat & that they know about Kyo's tragic fate yet do not plan on trying to stop it from happening as he's suffering is thier one true reprieve in the curse as no matter what happens to them they will never be as "low down" as the cat yet once the curse finally breaks for everybody almost nobody even thinks to apologises to Kyo for how he was made to be an outsider since birth

28. Naohito- decides to hate Yuki out of jelousy because he has feelings for Motoko (who clearly has feelings for Yuki) despite Yuki showing no romantic feelings for Motoko & barley sharing any kind of connection with her at all which is obviously not fair as just because you happen to be liked by someone who is liked by someone else dosn't mean you should have to except being seen as a bad person (especially as in Yuki's case he never tried to encourage Motoko's obsession with him & in fact barley notices her exsistance as they aren't in any of the same social circles & she follows the ridiculous club rule of not speaking to him without another fan club member present)

29. Yuki- rather judgmental over how others choose to present themselves in regards to gender norms

30. Momiji- I love him but he did try to take advange of Tohru not knowing how old he really was to bath with her & did actually mange to use this fact to sleep along side her one night before she found out how old he actually was (now obviously Momiji is a wonderfully kind person & clearly would never actually do anything to hurt Tohru but let's be real if someone did that to you irl you'd be pretty creeped out & understandably have a hard time trusting them again)

31. Yuki & Ayame's father- has always been complety missing from he's kids lives (& even seemingly he's wive's) despite being mentioned to be still alive & well enough to work

32. Uo's dad- getting dumped for someone else must suck especially when your left with a young child & I know he did eventually clean up he's act but there's no changing the fact that he's years as an alcholic messed up Uo really bad & could have led to her death if Kyoko hadn't stepped in

33. Kazuma- I know he had good intentions & I love him but there's no denying that he did ignore Kyo's right to free will when he removed he's bracelet & though the plan ended up making he's life better if it had gone wrong in any way then Kyo had pretty much admitted (at least to himself) in S2E9 that he would have probably killed himself that night which would have clearly destroyed Tohru

34. Kyo's mum - she was obviously treated terribly by her husband & I do feel sorry for her but her way of dealing with the situation really damaged Kyo

Your really telling me that the character you have the most issues with is a boy who said a few horrible things to the MC when he was 15 in service of someone he loved who was in pain, got told by said loved one that what he'd said was wrong, felt bad about it, befriended a lonley teen that was close to the MC, quickly grew to genuinely care about them & made them come out of thier shell, wanted to help he's half sister but knew he wasn't really the right person for the job, realised that he's new friend was, encouraged the friend & he's sister's growing connection, learned how good of a person the MC has been to he's new friend, admits to he's friend that he'd been horrible to the MC in the past but just dosn't know how to go about rectifying it (especially as she dosn't seem to remember him), introduces he's friend to he's GF (further expanding the friend's positive social circle), finally bumps into MC alone & is shocked to find out that she dose now in fact remember him & even appoliges to him + thanks him for bringing her friend out of thier shell before he comes to he's senses & assures her that she has nothing to apologise for & then visits her in the hospital when she gets injured & even goes shopping for a gift to give her beforehand (even if he dosn't end up getting her something that actually fits her personality because well duh he dosn't really know anything about her).

Out of every questionably moral thing in the series this is really the hill you wanna die on?

I just honestly can't understand it. Sure he's not perfect but then no one in the series is. That's kind of the entire point of the story, that anyone can do things that hurt people but that it's what you choose to do going forward (even if it takes you a long time) that's important & Kakeru, eventually, chose to try to do the right thing. He tried to understand Yuki even though the guy didn't seem to like him at all, he chose to check up on Machi even though she seemingly hadn't made any sign of wanting to deepen thier sibling bond, he chose to finally talk to Tohru instead of continuing the ruse that he'd never spoken to her before, he chose to come clean about what happened to Yuki despite the potential of ending their friendship (& you can't tell me once he'd realised how much Yuki cared for Tohru the very real possibility that Yuki might hate him if he found out what he'd said to her wouldn't worry him at all) & he chose to visit Tohru in the hospital instead of just wishing Yuki luck or hoping Kormaki would go so he could avoid feeling uncomfortable.

You don't have to love him or even like him but I really don't think he deserves this amount of hate (especially incomparsion to some of the other characters I've listed).

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parkeraul · 5 years

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anatomy | oneshot

a/n: i don’t know what it is but i had this stuck in my phone’s notes and i’m going to give it a try lol. i got inspired by a post here on tumblr and another one on twitter (both different, both NOT what you’re thinking they are) and this is like... nerdy!shawn? college!shawn? student!shawn? idk read it to find it out. plus, this is a work of fiction, so the situations named in here aren’t exactly what happens in real life, my dudes. i don’t know if this is how it happens, i’m assuming stuff just to give them an atmosphere. all built up for shawn and reader’s relationship to go somewhere on this imagine. sorry in advance to any medical students lmao.

shawn x reader warnings: cursing, smut (?). words: 7.272

It’s nearly 10pm in a saturday when he knocks on her door with his free hand, holding his book in his other hand kind of nervously. She tiptoes downstairs, quickly knotting the strap around her robe to cover her recent showered body. Her mind goes confused, wondering who might be standing outside at this time. Peeking through the magic eye, she can barely recognise the tall figure standing in front of her door with what she figured out as a backpack hanging on his back and something under his tattooed arm. She wasn’t expecting anyone from college because the finals were still happening and she finally managed to get home after passing hers, so everyone else should probably be stuck in their houses half studying, half praying. When she saw his hand coming up to curl in a fist next to the wooden material, she flicked the keys to the side and made sure to hold the upper part of her robe, pulling the edges together to cover her breasts and collarbone. Opening the door, she meets him wearing a desperate expression on his flushed face. He sighs in relief before putting his shit together. “Shawn? What are you doing here?” She asks smiling insecurely, he doesn’t follow her though. “Thank God you’re home!” He vents and exhales heavily. “I know this is super weird and random, but I honestly don’t know who else to look for. I’m really sorry. God... I shouldn’t-“ “Spit it out, Mendes!” She giggles, opening the door a little bit more to show him somehow that she’s welcoming him. “You know you can count on me to something more than just having my veins available for you to train your blood-removal skills.” She winks and he smiles shyly, remembering how insecure he felt when first asking her to volunteer and be his pair to this class in specific.

They’ve become pretty close, always getting paired for the classes because they knew that they were responsible and worked greatly together – always hitting high grades even in the most difficult subjects. Medical school is hard already, so they’ve found in each other an easier way to go through it all by supporting each other since their class is filled with so many selfish people. Shawn and Y/N were rarely hanging out when not in college – but more than friends, they are also something like partners in crime. Although he had a very serious crush on her at first sight, he kept on doing his best to get rid of the feeling eventually, even though he knows he’s not 100% there, he thinks that he’s seen everything he could and his rational side is working constantly to make him get used to live next to her like a normal person would do (seeing her as a nice classmate who’s there for him, not someone who he wants to trace every single inch and experience his daydreams with). She finds him attractive, she can’t even lie. But she would never make a move considering how reserved he is, fearing that he might reject her right at first and never look at her face again. Things couldn’t get this awkward.

Y/N opens some space for Shawn to step inside her living room and gives him a gentle smile, always reassuring him wordlessly that he can feel comfortable in her presence to ask whatever he wanted to ask – she felt more than glad to solve his doubts, actually.

“I’m sorry for showing up so late and...” He finally sees that she’s wearing nothing but a black cotton robe and her hair is wet, clinging to her back. “Well, s-sorry for interrupting your s-shower, I-“ Shawn facepalms and rubs his forehead, trying to brush his nervousness off and find the right words to say. He doesn’t want to look like a creep. “Mendes, you’re rambling,” She warns him and closes the door, grabbing his stuff for him to have free hands to take off his coat and shoes. Knowing it, Shawn rapidly does it all before putting both hands together to wait for further instructions. “Stop apologising! You know I don’t care about it.” Shawn knows that Y/N doesn’t really give a shit about things that some other people would do. She always says that a body is a body: it’s not an object and that a body and sex should be seen as something natural, not something who demands silly and unnecessary jokes when you look at it. And considering the partnership they’ve been developing, she felt more comfortable to talk to him about these things without stuttering or feeling embarassed. If they wanted to build a professional career, they had to deal with bodies normally.

Maybe this is one of the reasons why they’ve never sat down to spill the tea about their secret little crushes. Shawn is a gentleman, of course, and that’s what keeps him fighting his willing to love on her like he never did with anyone else. He is misunderstanding her words, perhaps. She always talked to him about how much she hates when their classmates started joking and sexualizing human bodies like they were made for nothing more than sex. But that didn’t mean that she’s not into finding out how their touches can melt delightfully, because that’s been currently taking over her imaginations more often than she’d like it to – debating with her own mind how wrong is this, how awful it is of her to imagine Shawn maping her body with those intentions that she wishes her whole class could stop feeding. Maybe she had forgotten to say that, if they’re both agreeing on doing this, if their feelings are matching, then it’d be a whole another story (that she’d love to live intensely, thank you very much). This is such a hot mess.

She trails her way to the kitchen and he follows her before he can miss the sight of her. She points to the big island in the middle of her kitchen for him to sit as she places his book and backpack on top of it. “What’s going on, Shawnie Boy?” She asks while opening her fridge to look for something to eat to offer him. “Thank you for being way too nice, Y/N,” He chuckles to himself, also thanking the universe for crossing their ways. “I couldn’t pass Sally’s latest test and she’s going to eat me alive if I fuck up with the upcoming final exam.” Y/N grabs a box of grape juice to put on top of the island along with some Doritos she found on her cabinet. She thought he might probably want to sink down in unhealthy garbage to calm his damn nerves. “Sally is really unpredictable, isn’t she?” Y/N jokes and also grabs what’s left of her chocolate cake inside the oven to join the other stuff. “What was it about?” “Anatomy,” Shawn says unpleasantly, grabbing the glass that Y/N is giving him so he can pour some juice to himself. “Women’s body kind of anatomy, more specifically. It makes me wanna give up on this damn class.” He opens the box and starts filling his glass with the deep purple liquid. “You actually can’t. This subject is... How do they say? Obligatory.” She says, staring at him and finishing setting the island with tiny plates and forks. “See? I know I should be studying music or whatever doesn’t envolve vulvas and labias.” His tone expresses all of his disappointment. Shawn hates to fail and also hates the whole process of learning from his mistakes. He never allowed himself to fuck it up even though he had no previous knowledge to execute something perfectly for the first time. “Keep thinking like that and you’ll end up seeing your own hand for the rest of your life.” Y/N is effortlessly pushing him over the edge of his stress, but he knew she was only playing around so he pretended not to care that much. He thought of replying her as boldly as she’s doing, but when she leaned forwards a little bit to cut a piece of cake, he accidentally saw her skin underneath the dark fabric – almost getting the view of the swell of her breasts. He swallowed harshly, immediately searching for his book to find the pages that have been driving him insane over the past weeks. ‘It’s fine. This is fine. Everything’s okay.’ He quietly warns his own body. Shawn shakes his head and takes a generous sip of his juice and tries hard to blink and miss the view of her not even noticing what just happened and still trying to cut a perfect square to place on a plate. “I... Mm... Have been reading from page 45 to page 97 over and over again for two weeks straight and-“ He starts with difficulty and, as if it wasn’t hard enough for him now, she’s licking and sucking at her fork she used to set under her piece of cake to lift it up and off the tin while looking him deep in the eyes, waiting for him to conclude his first doubt of the night. She didn’t mean to seduce him on purpose, but if she only knew the way she is messing with his head right now, she’d probably do something much worse.

Shawn feels like cursing all the words he knows out loud.

He’s been managing to keep his first impressions controlled for years. Why is this shit coming up again like he’s seeing her for the first time in his life? His brain, always hungry for coherent answers, figured things out in a matter of seconds. When he understood it all, he came back to earth and denied his own instincts angrily. Hopefully, he would never ever need to explain this reason to anyone else.

“And?” Y/N snaps him back to reality, removing the fork out of her mouth and clicking her tongue to finish the small taste she had from the tiny crumbles that were glued to the steel. “And... I...” He keeps on turning the pages frantically, not wanting to waste time. Who knows that she wouldn’t get him lost between running to the closest bathroom to splash some water on his face and staying frozen in his seat to never get up again until he stops hardening against his sweatpants during this quick lack of words? “I c-couldn’t quite understand and memorize these parts and their functions.” Shawn fixes a single curl back to its place and then he points to the figure on his book. “Really?” She frowns. How a smart and handsome guy like Shawn can’t understand simple explanations about a vagina? “Why have you circled this so many times? You can barely see what it is.” She points to a messy grey sketch. “It’s the clitoris,” Shawn rolls his eyes and clears his throat before moving on. “Need to remind myself that this shit is killing me mercilessly with this stupid amount of nerve endings.” “You wish, Shawn,” Slicing her cake, she jokes and wraps her lips around the fork once again. Shawn can literally feel the palms of his hands sweating and he swears to God he could explode at anytime. Why anatomy of the reproductive system? Why not microbiology or pharmacology? He knew he should be a pro by now. “You better take notes about this little thing in particular if you want to pass or make a girl squirm under you.”

Can she stop? Great. Now he’s picturing it.

“Plus, I can guarantee you that, once you get to find where it is and how it works, you’ll wish you could reciprocate the merciless part everyday.”

This is not study. This is torture. Bad grades and bad thoughts. The “perfect” combo. Shawn gets his notebook and pencils out of his bag and works fast to find a blank page to start writing.

The time flies by with her careful explanations. Y/N might joke a lot with him but she knows when to talk seriously. She’s patient to describe every single detail and say things once more in a different way for him to see it all in a different way. She speaks; he writes and asks again. All happening in a loop and Shawn’s pretty surprised that the chills that were taking over his lower region were gone now. He’s been doing his best by looking down at the paper all the time, refusing to peek at her. “No! Nah-nah-nah...” She says and stretches her arm to grab the eraser next to him. He falls out of his concentration and reacts by traveling his eyes from her fingers to the expansion of her covered arm and finishing at her now exposed collarbone. The scent of her moisturizer escapes her robe to invade his nostrils. He can’t help but inhale deeply as she brings the eraser to rub the words he’d been writing. “What’s that on your clavicle?” Still studying her skin, he asks impulsively. Shit. She looks at him and then down at her own body. “Oh... This?” She sets the fabric to the side a little bit more, now almost showing her entire shoulder. Shawn feels like choking on his own air. “It’s just a little scar. Got it when trying to run away from my cousin once. Nails strong enough to mark me,” She remembers and giggles lowly. “Unfortunately not as cute as this one you have on your face.”

Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit.

She just noticed that she revealed loudly one of her favourite things about him. For the first time in the night, he smiles. He feels his chest burning – still shyly – and she can’t take her eyes off his beautiful teeth, perfectly shaped and getting her missing the patterns of her breathing.

From there, the tension between them seemed to grow more and more and the emotions blooming up from this atmosphere were screaming louder than words, intensifying not only their desires but also the other feelings coming to their surface. It was like throwing alcohol in a bonfire. And it’s certain that the flames were getting higher and higher. They tried to focus one more time on whatever they were doing now (neither of them cared to understand exactly what it was), Shawn a lot more lost than her, already writing things that weren’t even about anatomy, he thought.

“Nope!” She says again. Erase, wipe the dust, explain again.

The clock is ticking.

“Shawn, no.” By now, he was finishing his third glass of grape juice and she had completely given up on her cake. Fork hitting the plate aggressively as she bends over the cold marble to repeat her actions. Shawn rubs his face and runs his fingers through his dark curls. Erase, wipe the dust, explain again.

“Jesus fucking Christ, what the hell are you doing?” If she was patient before, she’s not losing her shit for fucks sake. “Vulva is this external part, not the inside. The internal part is the vagina, down here in this entrance, see?” She’s pointing with his pencil and circling the spots with caution, because otherwise she might rip the page apart. Shawn drops his arms against the island and tilts his head to meet the hard surface, hitting his forehead and his sighs turns into a deep growl.

Erase, wipe the dust.

“God! Have you ever seen a pussy in your life?” He freezes in place and doesn’t get up, hoping she’s going somewhere else with this question. “Seriously! C’mere, I’ve got this kind of a plastic mould and you’ll touch this shit until the information gets inside your head somehow.” She stands in her feet and she knows that she’s being kinda rude. He doesn’t care, he knows he’s not going anywhere if she keeps on being all nice and shit but at the same time he’s so nervous that he wishes he could stay in that kitchen for the rest of his life until his problem goes away. “I don’t really-” His voice comes out muffled by the white marble under his face. “Mendes, you’re coming whether you want it or not!” She grabs his arm and pulls him off his seat. “I told you I’d help you and you know I won’t stop until I get my work done. Come on!” He seizes the last seconds where his face is still hidden to smile. He loves how much she cares about him now and it seems to vanish away all of her impulsive attitudes before. She just wants him to succeed and once she gets a goal inside her mind, she ain’t stopping until she makes it happen. Shawn gives up and she’s practically dragging him upstairs to her bedroom, steps punishing the degrees under her feet.

“Get yourself comfortable, I’m gonna find this thing.” She says as if he even could. Shawn falls in her bed while she turns the lights on and goes to her shelf, eyeing all the spaces where that mould could be hiding into. She tiptoes across her bedroom and checks every part of it like her life depends on it.

Wardrobe? No. Drawers? No. Desk? No. Under the bed? No. Bookshelf? No.

If the bedroom was even larger, she’d be running a marathon across it and the way she’s walking with powerful footsteps and picked up rhythm makes the hem of her robe swing and get loosened, sometimes showing the back of her thighs a little bit more and gradually exposing her chest. And if Shawn felt like dying before, now he’s sure that he’s floating between heaven and hell so quickly that he can’t do anything else but widen his eyes in desperation, fight his own mind and press down on her mattress for dear life. “You can’t think like that. She’s your friend, she’s not a piece of meat. Control your damn hormones.” He whispers to himself and closes his eyes. He doesn’t want her to think that he’s just another one of those stupid classmates of theirs or some kind of a weirdo who acts like he had never seen a semi-naked body before. Although that yes, he had never. Y/N might be cool about talking of sex and stuff, but he managed to just nod and agree. He never told her he was a virgin and something about the way she messes with him so easily makes him feel like organising a whole speech – in the most polite way ever – about how much he wants her to teach him everything: where to touch, how to touch and what to do to have her feeling not only relaxed in his presence but also pleased. If he only had the braveness, he’d be on his knees right now divided between begging for mercy or for a chance.

She closes the last drawer where she guessed the plastic cast could be inside of and turns around with her hands covering her mouth. Shawn looks at her concerned expression and concludes that she’s thinking, considering how fast her eyes are running across the room.

“Y/N, you don’t have to. It’s okay, I can find some other way...” Shawn tries to calm her and she tugs some strands, pulling them back and then dropping her arms down. She can’t think of anything else than this and she knows she might be taking a risk in here. She steps backwards to close her door and it gets Shawn frowning, gasping and blinking rapidly. What the hell is she doing?

If he could’ve only guessed that some dreams can come true sometimes...

“Mendes, don’t freak out, okay?” She looks at him worriedly and his grin is filled with doubts. He thought she was joking about his study routine or whatever happened a few seconds ago. But when he sees that her face ain’t changing to something more playful, he gulps once more. “You’re gonna have to do this in anyways in the final exam and, since you can’t even name things correctly, there’s no other way to do this. Tell me if you don’t wanna do this and I’ll stop.” She finishes and grabs the knot of her robe. In one fluid motion, she undoes it and the black fabric is pooling down around her feet. Right now she’s not thinking about her crush on him, she’s not trying to get him moaning her name. No. She’s trying to get anatomy inside his head because she’s been there before and she knows that, if he touches the wrong places, Sally is definitely not going to give him any other chances. There’s no dirty in here, there’s no seduction. She’s offering to a test just like she offered her veins once; or like when he let her feel his temperature and see if his throat was sore. “What are you doing? Y/N, seriously...” He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “Cover up, you don’t need to do it for me.” “Is that what you want? I’ll do if you’re feeling awkward on doing this,” She reassures him and catches her robe from the floor. “But I want you to know that I’m okay with it. It’s totally up to you.” Shawn can feel his limbs turning into cold stones and his leg starts to shake uncontrollably. He feels like someone just threw a ball on fire to him and he knows he’s got the opportunity to put the fire down. He just doesn’t know how. “C-Can you... like...” He rubs his face, still not looking at her (who’s covering her front with the robe now) and tries to make a smart decision. “Get under your covers so I... can... t-touch you without looking at you?” “Is this going to make you feel more comfortable?” “Y-Yes.” “I’ll try to guide you then.”

An inconvenient silence takes over the place and it had never been so annoying. He gets up, turning his back to her and she goes under her blanket, trying to feel less unsuited. “Hold on. I’ll wash my hands before... you know...” “Second door to the right.”

A few minutes later, Shawn is back and not so afraid. She looks at him and sees that his hairline is wet, he might probably had splashed some water on his face before returning. “Are you okay?” She asks, feeling her chest heaving in concern. “I’m good,” He closes the door with his foot and keeps his hands in the air, away from any object. “Sure you wanna keep going? You don’t have to-” “I’m sure,” She nods and he sits at the end of the bed. “With that I’m even feeling like a real patient now.” She points at his hands with her chin and chuckles bending her knees. He follows her and giggles too. He can’t even believe how amazing she is, he feels like nothing in this world can gift her enough for being this good to him. “You can, like, start from my pubic bone and then you can say what you remember, you know?” She incentivates him. “When you get to touch those parts we were seeing down in there, you’ll tell me what it is and what is it for.” He nods and she shifts her body up closer to the headboard, making some space for him to come forward and slip one hand under the blanket. “Don’t you want me to wear gloves?” “I’m out of gloves in here but I don’t really mind.” She says and he’s just going with her flow. “Showed you my exams before the tests, so you also know that I don’t have anything you should worry about.” She’s giving him so many reasons to leave his nervousness behind that he’s feeling like he’d forgotten for a moment that, on top of it all, they’re still friends. They’re not strangers. They should count on each other and this is what she wants him to do, this is what he wants her to do. “Go on, I trust you.” Her sweet tone reaches his ears and he smiles at her, so happy to know that she’s there for him and, more than anything else, she sees in him a person that she can trust. It’s just priceless. “And I trust you,” Shawn responds and she smiles back at him, feeling more comfortable against her pillows. “Excuse me.” He asks before touching her and she nods in confirmation, allowing him to go on. Shawn knows that this is not his body, so he must have her approval and excuse to touch her. His palm is softly sliding along the expansion of her shin to her knee and inner thigh, looking her deep in the eyes, attentive to any sign that she’s not liking it so he can stop. He wants to show her that he doesn’t wanna hurt her or do something harmful, so he rubs his thumb from side to side, caressing her and showing that he’s being so careful. She looks at her own ceiling, trying to keep her breathing calm and remain herself that she suggested it, so she must stay true to her pure intentions and leave her dirty thoughts locked and forbidden. He reaches the spot she told him to look for. He stops moving when he gets there and waits for her to give him another permission. “What’re you touching?” She asks. Shawn gets it as a chastise and lifts his hand up, widening his eyes. She slips her arm under the blanket and places it back to where it was, making him gulp and miss a heartbeat. “I’m not asking you to leave, Mendes,” She laughs. “I’m asking you what’s this specific spot you’re touching right now. This is still a test.” His eyes are still wide as ever, comprehending her words and looking for the answer in his mind. “The pubic mound... Okay...” He answers more to himself and tries to remember the words she made him take notes about. “It’s... a fibroadipose tissue that stays on top of the bone and it divides into the labia majora on either side of the pudendal cleft.” “Very good,” She praises and he smiles, actually wanting to scream in happiness for answering correctly and in tension, because her words made his nerves sparkle somehow. ‘Just breathe’ he says to himself as a mantra. “You can feel it if you want to.” The tips of his fingers press lightly against it, choosing random spots to feel and then he lets go of it. He can read about it in the books where his gravity is going to be centered. “Should I keep going?” He asks. “Yes, please.”

Oh God, not please.

Both of them getting a type of disquietude after this word in particular. She didn’t mean to say it, she knows that ‘please’ doesn’t even fit correctly to the moment but somehow it escaped from her lips nearing a state of beg. She couldn’t let him know. This is still forbidden. He swallows harshly and moves down slowly, almost reaching his next stop.

“Okay, stop.” She says and he immediately stays still. “I’m gonna ask you something very embarassing but necessary.” “...Alright?!...” Shawn eyes her with concentration, trying to understand if he did something wrong at any point. “Lick your finger before touching this next spot,” Unable to look him in the eyes, she asks and covers her face. This makes him comfortable to remove his hand and lick his index finger before she can see him doing it. “You shouldn’t do this to your patients, but I’m very sensitive and when it’s all dry it might hurt a little.” “Okay,” He gets back to where he was before and sets his hand back down on her. “Was I here?” “Yup,” She says popping her ‘p’. “You can touch it now.” His touch is now wet and cold, making her shiver slightly and it glides easily. She removes her hands from her face but keeps her eyes shut to focus on not getting wetter than his finger. “Clitoris.” “Nope.” “No?” “Try to remember about the first time I yelled at you downstairs.” “Oh, alright.” He tilts his head down and laughs to himself. His finger is moving so delicately that it’s nearly tickling her heat. She shifts her ankles further just a little so she can see that flushy face of his, eyes now looking up as he tries to find a blank spot where his sight can help his imagination to picture what it looks like as he touches her. “Clitoral foreskin? Clitoral hood?” “Hood is better.” “Fine,” He grins. “It’s a mucocutaneous tissue that covers and protects the clitoris. It can fully cover the clit sometimes, but it also can just partly cover it.” “Thought you’d never get it right, not gonna lie.” She confesses and he moves his pretty greenish eyes to look at her, and she finally reciprocates. “Thought you trusted me!” It’s so good to interact as they typically do. It’s so good to feel more normal and less awkard. The two of them could now feel their bodies relaxing and free to get back to joking and playing. Nothing’s really planned for ages before acting, it’s just natural. This is what they were looking for. His cold calloused finger goes down shortly and she lets a sigh fly from her lips, instantly biting at her bottom one. She writhes sparsely, trying not to do what she’d normally do if they weren’t studying. “Clitoris? Is it here?” “M-hm.” “Erectile nub placed at the top of the vulva. It has around 8.000 nerve endings and blood supply. Would you mind if I see it?” She shakes her head in denial and grabs the cover up to reveal her lower half, making it rest on her stomach. Shawn takes his finger away for a moment to see the little nub and memorize where it is. He thinks he’d never seen something so beautiful in his life; he never thought it’d look this beautiful. Totally compelled, he licks his digit again and touches her clit, differently from before. Now, he’s softly drawing tiny circles around it and she accidentaly moans lowly. The tip of his finger is sliding so deliciously that she couldn’t even notice the time when she showed such weakness. “If you keep doing like this, you’re gonna turn me on and-” “How sensitive is it?” He cuts her off and, to be honest, he wasn’t even listening. All of his concentration got directed to her clit, now swelling under his control. “What?” “How sensitive is it? With so many nerve endings, it must be really delicate. Isn’t it?” She’s not quite understanding. Shouldn’t he know this already? Or was he one of those guys who never finds a clit during sex? “It’s sensitive enough to get me excited,” She warns but it’s not like he’s giving a single damn right now. “But if you press it hard, then it’ll hurt me bad. Like... you can add a little bit more of pressure...” And he immediately does, watching the way his finger works carefully but performing firmly now. She exhales strongly, trying so hard not to lose her shit. “A little bit more...” She demands and he obeys. Where is this going? She can’t answer herself now that this feels so good. His touch rounding her clit, sometimes going from side to side and he takes his time feeling all the extension of it. “Don’t go further than this, otherwise it’ll only harm me.” This amount of pressure was just perfect for her taste. Shawn doesn’t even know about this, but he keeps going and he even leans closer to see it better. Now there was no hell, it was just heaven. Heaven in the way her face contorts everytime he hits the center of her clit; heaven in the way her chest is moving up and down, trying not to lose the pattern of her respiration; heaven in the way her eyes squinted – but no completely – peeking at him with some struggle. He stops eyeing her heat, saving the last information he got from it and looks at her, eyes practically dark. “Let’s move on to-” “Can I put my mouth on it?” Her jaw falls. Such a question she didn’t know she needed to hear today. She knew she wanted to, but never knew she needed it so bad. “Are you asking to eat me out, Mendes?” For a minute there, she thinks she’s dreaming. Dreaming wildly. She promptly supports her body on her elbows and tosses her blanket away from her body. “I’m sorry. God, I’m sorry,” It’s like a force pushed him back to earth. He felt so intoxicated by her that his attention flew out to somewhere else. “I’m such a-” “Do it.” “What is it?” “Do it,” She insists. Can’t miss the chance, can’t have him going back now. Not now. “You want it?” He nods kind of desperately. “Then show me what you can do.” She tilts her head to the side and smirks at him. His mouth forms an ‘o’ shape. Jesus Christ, she can get him around her finger so easily that he feels lucky that he was the one to get her around his finger previously. But how is he supposed to do this? He decides to get started by kissing the inner part of her leg, planting wet kisses along her smooth skin and it feels so satisfying to have her skin exposing goosebumps under his touch. He’s getting closer and she sighs so sweetly that he’s hoping he’s doing the right thing. The scent of her is driving him crazy, he can’t wait to know the taste. “I-” He starts that old speech of explanation. He doesn’t want to but he feels like he needs to be honest with her and tell that he’s still a virgin. Lost and anxious to find himself. Find her. “I know. I’ll guide you, don’t you worry about that.” She’s just perfect. There’s no better definition inside his mind right now. He’s the opened book she loves to devour every single page of, absorbing the details and letting herself get immersed. She arranges her body on her bed to give him more space to lay down on his stomach and between her parted legs. When he finishes his trail of wet and hot kisses, she stands in one shoulder as her other arm goes to reach his brown curls that she loves so much. “You can kiss it first,” She directs him. “See what it feels like against your lips and oh,” She moans because he wasted no time on licking his lips and kissing her clit. “G-Get yourself used to it, take your time to adjust yourself, no need to hurry.” But she didn’t really mean that. She does need the hurry, ‘cause she might collapse from this torture at any second. Shawn tries the kissing, doing it from her clit and covering every inch of her lower lips then going back to the smaller ones. Over and over again, until he gets kinda bored. He wants to make her squirm like she said before in the kitchen. He wants to put his daydreams to a proof as quick as possible. “You’re so wet,” He notices and is unaware of the effect it had on her. Her glistening pussy is inviting him and he wants to live in this for the rest of his days. He knows he has no experience, but this time, he doesn’t wait. He sinks his head down on her and his tongue is flattening against her heat to lick a stripe from her entrance to her clit, covering her with his mouth in order not to miss a single inch. And fuck she tastes so fuckin’ good. Nothing compared to his imagination. “Oh my God,” Another moan slips out and she drops her head backwards, gotten my surprise. “That’s it...” He embraces her thighs and her ankles are now resting on his back. His head buries in her pussy and she returns to look at him. It’s the best view in the world. Cheeks flushed and eyes closed, looking so serene and enjoying the taste of her like he never did with anything else. Shawn pulls her hips closer to him, growing hungrier and obsessed with this moment. “Shawn!” She calls out and giggles, thinking that he’s also in the mood to play. Not now. “How hard can I suck you?” He pulls away, not going very far just to breathe and ask her. “Hard enough to show me how bad you want me, not hard like a crazy animal would probably do.” He groans against her heat and frowns in what he thinks it must be suffering. How can she get him so fragile to her? He feels his head spinning and she hasn’t even touched him back yet. “What are you doing to me?” Shawn whispers, thinking out loud. He drags his tongue up and down against her boldly, mixing the wetness of his tongue with her wetness and it’s slow, painfully slow. She tugs his hair when she feels that tingling sensation down on her entrance and it spurs him on to try his first suction. He does, giving her the best job he could do for the first time in his life. “Close your mouth a little and suck harder.” She recommends and he promptly does. His lips are wrapped around her bundle of nerves as he licks her before, tongue gliding in circles and he’s keeping his tongue relaxed, what makes her see stars with this pleasant sensation. It’s so smooth and so tender that she’s afraid she’s going to pass out from the pleasure. He tries sucking for the second time and earns the perfect reaction from her: toes curling, eyes rolling to the back of her head and she gasps, body giving up against the mattress. She feels her clit throbbing and the way he sucks it is pushing her over the edge. It’s wet, it’s warm and so precise. “Fuck Shawn, fuck!” Her lungs are supplicating for air and she makes a good effort to look down at him again – eyeing her through his eyelashes – and, although he’s still finding a way to please her, he knows he’s being good, so he gives her a devilish smile. “Keep doing like this, baby, don’t stop...” That’s it for him. He tries to suck her again. It’s long he’s deliberately repeating series of suctions, having her crying out in her bed and arching her back. He tests it harder and faster and her hands instantly fly to grab his curls. Her moans are gradually turning into frantic screams and she’s trembling. Shawn Mendes never imagined he could get his friend shaking hectically with his mouth on her heat, sucking and licking her with his whole body and soul. His member is so hard inside his sweatpants but he doesn’t care, as long as she’s enjoying it, then he didn’t need something more. And he thinks she looks impossibly prettier with her beautiful lips parted to free her whimpers, sometimes smirking down at him to tease him; hair getting messier than her body quivering and being stopped by his large hands, caressing the sides of her waist and traveling down to the sides of her bum and legs, holding them forcefully so she wouldn’t escape from his touch. “Shawn,” She gulps before moving on, throat dry from moaning uninterruptedly. “Pull away, I’m gonna come.” With her clit gently tugged between his plump red lips, he shakes his head from side to side in denial lazily and it’s a new sensation to her, so so so good that her vision gloes blurry. Shawn just revealed himself not only stubborn in his studies but also in bed, and she’s so eager to dominate him like this... He remembers about all the things they should be studying right now and maps her core to find her entrance with his index finger. Just as she taught him, he licks the digit and thrust it inside of her as soon as he finds it, bringing his mouth back to her clit to suck rapidly as his finger moves slowly. She fights back a loud scream, covering her mouth as she feels her pussy aching deliciously, searching for its release. “Can you take two?” Shawn feels her walls squeezing his finger and doubts that she can keep another one. “Yes, please.” She says through gritted teeth and it’s good to give this word the real meaning she wanted to give before. He pushes another finger into her and she moans once more, she doesn′t know how long she can wait. He thrusts the fingers so gingerly, not sure about what to do and what pace to pick. Was he hurting her? “You’re so tight...” He comments so innocently, he thought that it wouldn’t be this constricted. He starts to imagine how heavenly his cock would feel hugged by her dripping pussy. “Mendes,” She says under her breath. “I need you to go faster.” “Like this?” He picks up his rhythm shyly. “More.” His digits are covered in her juices and moving with ease. She feels that knot on her stomach tightening and about to explode. “More.” She begs and broken sobs are slipping past her lips. He goes deeper, fingers completely disappearing inside of her. “Right there! Oh, right there,” He finds her spot and her eyes roll to the back of her head once more, making Shawn dig the nails of his free hand into the skin of her thigh and suck at her bundle of nerves as fast as his fingers are working now. “Do it like this.” She can’t raise her hand right now to show due to her weakness but Shawn’s eyes are quick to find her fingers moving in a ‘come here’ motion and he immediately gives it to her. He can’t comprehend exactly where he’s taking her, but when she stops moaning and her legs starts shaking, he understands it. She’s feeling every inch of her core pulsating as her orgasm washes over her body and he can’t believe he just made her come. His fingers are slowing down and he pulls his mouth away, looking at her body coming down of her high. He removes his fingers slow and carefully and gives one last lick, catching what she released, and one last suck, her back arching for the last time. He waits for her to settle down and get back to her senses before doing anything else. And when she does, she glances at him and silently invites him to come closer. “You’ve done this before, haven’t you?” She taps his strong chest as he crawls over her, knees supported by the mattress under her parted thighs and upper half covering her front. He must be kidding. “Not really...” He vents, embarassed but glad that he provided her something nice. “But did... Did this just ruin what we have?” “I honestly couldn’t care less if it did,” She spits out and he fears her next words. “I couldn’t fucking wait to have you like this since the very first day we spoke.” “Would it be weird if I told you I feel the same way?” “Nope. But that’s something you can save for later,” She pulls him by the shirt and pecks his lips, savouring the taste of herself on his lips. “I wanna make you feel good first. What do you think about that?” “Glad you finally asked.”

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes fanfics #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes imagines #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes blurbs #shawn mendes oneshot #shawn mendes masterlist #mine #ficsofmine #I NEED HOLY WATER AND I KNOW IT

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astralbooks · 4 years

Text

Loveless - Alice Oseman

Read: 13/07/2020 - 16/07/2020

Rating 5/5

Review:

Loveless is an aroace discovery/coming out story set during main character Georgia's first year of university, and I think it should be required reading in schools.

This book is incredibly important. People who are aromantic and/or asexual will benefit greatly from reading this because it will let them know that they aren't alone, that there's nothing wrong with them, and that romantic relationships aren't vital to leading a fulfilling life. People who aren't aromantic and/or asexual will benefit greatly from reading this because it will help them to understand that their experiences aren't universal, and that also even if you do experience these forms of attraction, that doesn't mean that you should feel like you have to force yourself into doing things that you don't want to do or aren't ready for. This book also shows that difference people react to stress in different ways, that self-sabotage can come in many different forms, and even something that you 'enjoy' doing can become unhealthy and damaging if done for the wrong reasons. Having sex with a different guy every night is all well and good if that's what you genuinely want to be doing, but if you're just trying to pretend you aren't lonely then you're seriously not doing yourself any favours. This is why I think it should be required reading for teenagers and young adults. I would've loved to have this book during my first year of uni, and I knew plenty of people in high school and I know plenty of people in university now who would benefit from reading this book. Now that the serious part is out of the way, I'm going to get a little more subjective, and I'm going to do this by sharing some of my thoughts on the main characters. Georgia: I love her !! I'm aro-spec ace myself, and I related so much to a lot of what she said and what she was going through. Also, like Georgia, I realised that I was ace during my first year of university, when I was suddenly confronted with people who are having sex on the regular, and honestly a lot of the things she said felt like they could have come out of my own brain. Not everything she said, but a lot of it. She cares so much about her friends and wants them to have the entire world and we love to see it! Rooney: Driven, extroverted, and an expert at self-destruction. I felt so much for Rooney while I was reading. She was trying so hard to be a bubbly manic pixie dream girl, but it just made her feel awful. She's Georgia's opposite in every way, something that the characters themselves notice, and so I didn't really relate to her very much, but I know people who are just like her, and I think that a lot of people could benefit from seeing her growth. Also her reaction to seeing her crush at a certain point, which you'll know if you've read it, was hysterical and I loved it! Pip: A Latina lesbian who is secure in her identity and unapologetic about who she is! I didn't always agree with her actions, but I understood why she made the choices she did, and at the end of the day she's someone who feels her emotions deeply and cares about her friends. Also her way of texting sounded exactly like one of my friends which was more than a little spooky. Jason: A total sweetheart! He's a great friend to the rest of the group, which I adored! He's also really into Scooby Doo, especially the original live actions, and he's Right. Those movies are excellent and anyone who says otherwise doesn't know what fun is. Sunil: Probably my favourite character in the whole book! Sunil is asexual, non-binary, and the president of the Pride Society. Which, same on all counts, I am also all three of these things. He works hard to make sure that Pride Soc is accessible and inclusive for everyone who wants a place there (exclusionists are the Worst and it made me so happy to see them explicity portrayed as being wrong). They also have a tendency to overshare, which he's self aware of and they would often call himself out on it, but I found it endearing. He also talked about how he'd used to struggle with queer spaces being mostly white, which is definitely a big issue with queer spaces in reality that as a community we need to work on. Every time that Sunil appeared on-page I found myself wanting to give them a huge hug, and I'm really glad that a character like them was in this book. Springboarding off what I've said about Sunil, the portrayal of the Pride Soc made me very emotional, because Oseman captured exactly what makes it so special. Pride Socs, and queer spaces in general, allow queer people to exist and socialise without any of the fear that could be following them around elsewhere. They get to spend time with people who get it, who understand, and that's vital for many people. I made my friends at uni through Pride, and I'm currently the president of Pride for my university. I'm running online events all through the summer, and we've had feedback saying that keeping running through all this has really helped people's mental health and made them feel less alone while they're stuck at home in potentially unsupportive households. This is a tangent and I'm doing a Sunil, but basically yeah Oseman got this completely right! Also yes I 100% agree that Much Ado About Nothing is one of the best, if not the best, Shakespeare plays. I love that show so much, it's so great. I put off writing this review because I knew it would get long lmao and look I was right. To sum up, this book is amazing, I loved it, and I recommend it to everyone because everyone can learn something from it.

#review #book review #loveless #alice oseman #booklr #books

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ohmeohmayohmy · 5 years

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With the Slightest Smile, Chapter 7

Taglist: @reedusteinrambles @juxt4p0siti0n @kurtnehhhh @singularpurplepansy @chlobo6 @reavenedges-lies @livcaper

Notes: Uhhh, my heart hurts a little bit. That’s all I’m gonna say. Also, this has limited amounts of editing, so there may be some mistakes.

Warnings: Mentions of drinking, brief talk of cheating (like really brief), tiny bit angsty, some swearing probably, and I think that’s all.

Words: 10.1k+

___________________________________

October 17, 1973

“What do you say, dear?”

You looked up from your glass of orange juice, across the dining table.

“It sounds great, Fred.”

Freddie smiled. “Brian didn’t think you’d say that.” His eyes flicked over to Brian, whose gaze was transfixed on the newspaper in his hands. You studied the tired look on his face, eyelids drooping, mouth slightly open. His hair was matted down more on the left side than the right. It appeared that he hadn’t heard you and Freddie talking. He calmly turned over the page, examining every word with relaxed determination.

The only thing to disturb him was a high pitched “Ah!” coming from Roger’s kitchen. He groaned, folded the paper and threw it down on the table, then pushed himself from his chair. You were glad he was taking the initiative to check on the problem, especially since neither you nor Freddie had any interest in such. Rather, you were more interested in discussing Freddie’s plans for an evening of Halloween festivities. He put together a costume party every year, obsessed with the superfluous tradition of dressing lavishly. Since meeting him, this would be the first one you’d actually be able to go to.

Returning your attention to Freddie, you tapped a finger to your chin. “D’you think I could get him to wear a matching costume?” You tilted your head the direction in which Brian left.

“Love, I’m sure if you asked him to wear a ballgown, he would.” You snickered at his jab.

“Oh, nothing of the sort,” you insisted, voice dripping with sarcasm. “I was thinking more along the lines of Hugh Hefner and one of his little friends.” Roger poked his head out from the kitchen, his ears perking up at the topic.

“Well, I’m sure Brian’s legs would look phenomenal in black pantyhose,” Freddie quipped back. You both lost it at the image of Brian dressed as a Playboy Bunny.

“Mine would look better,” Roger jested. You scanned your eyes down, giving him a once over. He curled his lip up on one side, smug with confidence.

You made deliberate eye contact with him. “Eh.” You took a swig from the juice on the table.

The clanging of pans and other kitchenwares stopped, Brian came into the dining area, with John in tow. Brian had a rag, wiping something off from his hands. John held a spatula.

“How do you mess up eggs so terrifically?”

Roger’s smile fell, turning to the two men who had come into the space. “I’m pretty, so I never learned to do anything myself?” Brian looked like he had lost all patience, the dark circles under his eyes more prominent in the pale light of morning. You were surprised he was functioning so well at nine a.m.

“One could argue that you’re just too thick to learn,” Deaky remarked, under his breath. Only Brian could hear him and started cracking up.

“What was that, Deaky?” Roger grabbed the spatula from John, trying to appear threatening. John feigned innocence, his eyes widening.

He coughed. “Nothing. You’re very pretty, Rog.”

Roger’s eyes narrowed into slits, suspicious. Then he turned his focus to Freddie, who was gleefully watching his bandmates’ dispute from the far end of the table. “It’s not like you could do any better.” Roger thrusted the utensil at him in accusation.

“I never claimed to have that ability, Roger.” Freddie had his hands folded in front of him, remaining poised.

“The ability to boil an egg?” Brian was astounded. You found yourself staring at his angular features, sharpened by his baffled expression. He was biting his lip out of concentration, hands on his hips, left eyebrow arched. There was something smeared on his chin, but you couldn’t tell what it was from where you were sitting. You were going to tell him, but something about it made him look charmingly domestic, so you didn’t. It was captivating.

John coughed again, startling you enough to distract you from Brian. You only just noticed that he was wearing a yellow, full body apron, complete with frills. He also had smears of something across his face, the amount of it more plentiful, some of it even streaking through wisps of hair. Deaky’s face wasn’t as intense as Brian’s. He had his lips twisted into a pout, his locks tied up into a ponytail.

You couldn’t take him seriously and had to cover your mouth to hide the giggle forming in the back of your throat. You were unsuccessful, letting a few chimes of your laughter escape into the quietness. John and Brian looked away from Roger to see you. Brian’s face relaxed while John’s became more strained.

“How’s it going in there?” You tried to speak in an even tone, but you couldn’t conceal the giddiness in your eyes.

Deaky held up his right hand, showing the webbing between his index finger and thumb. “It was alright, until I burnt myself making streaky bacon.” He glared at Roger. “I wouldn’t have if ’e hadn’t screamed.” Freddie scoffed.

You were more concerned with what happened than how, standing up to examine John’s burn. You pulled his hand to your face to get a better look. The splotchy redness wasn’t anything to be too worried about, but you felt peace of mind knowing it wasn’t all that bad. “You’ll be fine, sunshine.” Smiling, you released your grip on Deaky. He didn’t return the smile, but you turned to Brian without seeing that John had stepped back bashfully.

You wet your thumb and brought it up to Brian’s face, wiping away the substance staining it. He tensed up and didn’t make eye contact. Instead, he stared at Roger, waiting to get his attention. It took a few seconds before Roger received Brian’s silent call of distress.

“Hey, Deaky, I’ll try my hand at making bacon.” Roger wiggled his fingers at John, who was instantly annoyed with his joke. The pair went back into the kitchen area, their exit punctuated by Roger smacking John atop the head with the spatula, and Deaky’s yelp in response. Freddie chuckled heartily as they walked away.

“So, Brian,” his physicality became more pointed, “does it all sound fine to you?”

“What?”

Freddie blew air through his lips. “You’re a terrible listener.”

“Only when I’m uninterested,” Brian snarked. You looked to Fred to see his reaction.

“Well, Y/N thinks it’s a great idea. Don’t you, Y/N?”

You nodded half-heartedly, but it was good enough for Freddie.

“So long as things don’t get too crazy,” you added, looking at him down the bridge of your nose, trying to make him take your point as seriously as possible.

“Who do you take me for?” Freddie mimicked hurt feelings.

“Someone who better heed their nurse friend’s warnings,” you advised, bookending it with a peck to his forehead so it didn’t seem too harsh.

Brian leaned against the wall, watching you and Freddie interact. He knew you were both very physically affectionate people, and because of that, he never got jealous of your relationship. The casual flirtations were just jokes between friends, the kisses were soft and playful reminders that you respected each other greatly. The only thing that bothered him was if you would ever tap your hand to his chest.

And that went for anyone, not just bandmates.

It’s not that Brian wanted to constantly hold a jealousy for anyone you cared for, or think that he held some kind of ownership over you. He accepted those were unhealthy things to harbor, especially toward someone who was not even his...not in any way...not even a little.

But he convinced himself that it didn’t matter. He would never act on petty feelings.

A loud crash, followed by the sound of something shattering, came from the kitchen. You left Freddie’s side to go check out the cause of the commotion. When you entered, there was some kind of batter covering the floor, a broken bowl, and the bacon pan soaking in the sink. Brian and Freddie came in behind you, stopping in the doorway so as not to add to the chaos. Roger was hunched over, picking up the shattered pieces with his bare hands. John wasn’t anywhere to be seen.

“What did you do, Rog?”

Roger got up from his squatting position, holding sharp bowl shards in hand. “I did not kill Deaky, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Brian blinked rapidly in confusion. “Well, it is now!”

“Just wasn’t paying attention, ’s all.” He hissed in pain, glancing down at his hand.

You huffed as you walked to him. “All I wanted was some breakfast before work, and instead I get a burn victim and some who has suffered from a stabbing?”

“Hey, I like the feeling of sharp pain in m’ palms!” Roger insisted, turning his body away from you, not enabling you to look at the damage. In defeat, you threw your hands up.

“Alright. I should have realized none of you are competent this early in the day.” You brushed past the boys standing by the door. “I think I’ll get something on my way to work.” You searched for your work bag, finding it damn near impossible to locate it in the disorderliness known as Roger Taylor’s housekeeping. “Have fun cleaning up!” You slung the small strap over your shoulder, prepared to leave. Brian hustled over to you.

“Want me to drive you?”

“I can take the tube.” You declined. “Besides, I don’t think it would be best to leave Freddie in charge.”

Brian’s eyes darted to the kitchen and back to you. “I’m famished,” he muttered. “I don’t think we’ll be eating any time soon.” You shrugged in agreement.

“Fine, but don’t make a big fuss of it. The others will want to come, and I really don’t have that much time.”

Brian understood, patting his pockets to retrieve his keys. “Run for it.” His tone was playful and his crooked grin had mischief behind it.

You did indeed run for it.

* * *

“Are you sure you ate enough?” Brian’s sights did not shift from the front position as he sped down the road. You were worried he was going to hit something, or at least make some tea spill onto you.

“Yeah, I—slow down!” You shrieked as he whipped around a corner. “We have time!”

“Didn’t you say you forgot something at home?”

“Yes, I did, but that doesn’t mean I want you to kill a bunch of pedestrians because of it,” you spat. You were gripping onto the edge of your seat with your fingers digging in. Brian was not usually this stressful of a driver.

“Are you sure?” You knew he was being sarcastic, but the way he asked the question sounded rather genuine.

“About the pedestrians or the food?”

“Either.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure about both, thanks.”

Brian turned to you, his expression was joyful. The speed of the car was slowing down.

“Keep your eyes on the road, May!” You pointed in front of you. He laughed as he came to a complete stop at the traffic light.

You looked at him disapprovingly.

“What?” Brian’s expression changed into a less goofy one. His hazels searched your face, jaw fallen slack. The morning sun highlighted the earthy tones of his hair, little wisps creating thin, swirly shadows on his cheeks. You couldn’t tear yourself away, feeling like you had something to say brimming at the tip of your tongue. You just didn’t know what that would be. Brian’s breathing was quiet and slow, but his heart was pounding, seeing you study his face so intently. Neither of you moved.

You almost didn’t notice that the lights had changed.

* * *

The autumn sun faded into dusk. The streetlamps shone like tiny stars against the watercolor backdrop. You sat on the door stoop outside of the hospital, gazing up at the dying shades of pink slipping into deep purple, taking in as much beauty as you could before the end of your break. The crisp air had invited you to stay until the very last second before you were needed inside.

The side entrance into the hospital was directly behind you, and you could feel the air shift as the door opened. You closed your eyes, not wanting the serenity to slip away. Whoever it was, you knew they would upset the stillness you had achieved. Anticipating a tap on your shoulder, you braced yourself. But to your surprise, the figure walked past you with no intention of shepherding you back to the ward. The footsteps continued briefly, but abruptly stopped. You peeked through half-open eyelids to see whose company you were in.

“Good evening.” Doctor Carlisle grinned down at you. You opened your eyes fully and sat up from your position, which was leaning back on hyperextended arms. “Long shift?” You nodded.

“Are you done?”

“Here, I am.” He frowned. “But I foolishly agreed to make an appearance a dinner party, so I’m in for a long night.”

You laughed. “That’s why you have to push away anyone close to you. That way, they don’t expect you to show up.” He smirked, amused by your sarcasm.

“I take it, you speak from experience?”

You extended your arms around you. “I’m supposed to be off break now. You don’t see any other nurses rushing to grab me.”

“You’ve managed to push away the entire nursing staff?”

You gave him a sly grin. “And now they don’t expect me to show up.” From his expression and the subtle change in his physicality, you could tell that he wasn’t sure whether you were joking or not. “I really should be getting back to it.” You got up and brushed off your bum, hoping to rid your uniform of any dirt that may have accumulated during your time sitting.

“How much time do you have left to work?”

You looked at your wristwatch. “A few hours. I’m not off until eleven thirty.”

“Wow, sounds like your night is going to be longer than mine.”

“At least I want to be here.”

The man facing you knit his eyebrows. “You’ve got me there.” You gave a small smile before turning to go inside. “If you’re hungry afterwards, I’m sure we’ll still be partying our cares away.” The lilt in his voice gave away his nervousness.

You remained in the doorway, not facing him. “Already had dinner, thanks.”

“Could I interest you some other time, perhaps?”

With that, you snapped your head to look at Carlisle. “Probably not.” You stepped further into the building, not releasing the door quite yet. Against your better judgement, you turned around. “My friend is throwing some large Halloween extravaganza.” He made some noises of protestation. “He wants as many people in attendance as possible, I’m sure he’d love to add you to the list.” You didn’t wait around to receive a response, shutting the door behind you. You really had to get back to work.

_______________

October 31

“Are you okay in there, Bri?”

No reply.

“Bri?”

Nothing.

“Brian, love?”

You didn’t usually call him that, but the pet name slipped out.

“I’m fine, Y/N.” His pitch came out more as a whimper. Brian had been locked in the bathroom for forty-five minutes, and you weren’t sure what the problem was. It made you worried.

“What’s the matter?” Pause. “Can I help you?”

Finally, the door swung open. You gasped as you saw Brian’s face; one of his eyes was watering, and one was completely reddened.

“What did you do?”

He swatted you away with one hand as he rubbed over his eyes with the other. “I tried to do my own mascara.” He spoke in a hushed tone, sounding ashamed. You smiled sympathetically.

“You can always ask for help, y’know.” Your words were candied, stroking his biceps in hopes of comforting him. Brian peeked at you through his tearful state.

“You were getting ready.”

You sighed. “I’d rather help you and take a little longer getting dressed, than have you hurt yourself so bad you can hardly see.” You placed a finger under his chin and lifted it to get a better glimpse. “Now, why don’t you go put your costume on, and then we can try again, eh?” Brian nodded faintly before turning to his bedroom, walking with his hand tracing the wall. You rolled your eyes as you watched him disappear behind a closed door, then went into the bathroom to fix yourself up.

The lighting in your bedroom was more flattering. In the bathroom, you could see the streakiness of your hastily applied foundation, and since you weren’t wearing other makeup yet, the lights made you look ghoulish. If only that was my costume. You rubbed your fingers in circles around your face, attempting to blend more thoroughly. Once you were satisfied, you pulled open the drawer which contained the rest of your cosmetics.

You grabbed a tin of eyeshadow, swiping a neutral color over your eyelids, just to add dimension. With eyeliner, you drew a quick, sharp cat-eye, then some whiskers on your cheeks. You twisted the bottom of your tube for pink lipstick and pressed a large dot on the tip of your nose. Using another shade, you colored in your lips, smacking them once you were finished. You checked yourself out in the mirror for a moment, analyzing the black clothes you had picked out to match the cat ears on your head. With a short realization, you searched the counter space for the weaponized mascara Brian had tried to use. It was set neatly by the box of tissues. You pulled out the wand and steadied your hand, making sure not to repeat your roommate’s mistakes.

It took you a minute to recognize that Brian was leaning against the doorframe to the bathroom, not wanting to disturb you. You saw his reflection in the mirror, only slightly startled. Putting away the products you were done using, you flipped around to get a good look at him.

Brian had agreed to do a “couples” costume with you. He wore a slim black dress with jagged hems, a pointy hat, and fishnet tights. You were shocked he actually put them on.

“You look very nice,” you complimented. Brian shyly mumbled a “Thank you” as he walked to stand next to you, taking in the sight of the pair in the mirror. They looked like a matching set, a witch and her feline familiar.

“So do you.” His voice was a little hoarse.

“Wanna try again?” You teased, holding out the mascara wand to him. He shook his hand and backed away half a step. You stuck your tongue out, and Brian mocked the action. You were the first to break away, turning back to the mirror to fix your hair. Brian’s gaze remained a second too long, but dropped from you just as you admired him through his reflection, barely missing each other.

“When do you have to be back at work?”

“I was able to switch with Shauna, so I don’t have to be in until ten tomorrow night.”

“And you were able to get the twelfth off?”

“Yes! I was actually given the eleventh through the thirteenth, so I can come to Blackburn, too.”

“Only if you want to.”

“Brian, you know I obviously do. ’M just a little disappointed I won’t get to traipse around the entire country with you.”

“Maybe one day you can be the band’s medical assistant.” Brian tried to jest, but clandestinely he knew that’s what he wanted.

“You’d have to be successful in order for me to do that,” you sledged.

“Alright, what if we’re headliners in America? Is that successful enough for you?”

You thought about it.

“Only if you’re headliners.”

Though you both were saying these things in the facade of good fun, there was a truth behind it. Brian was asking you to go on this hypothetical tour, and you were giving him a hypothetical yes. The conversationed lulled.

“Will you be there on Friday?”

“I’ll try,” you answered tentatively. “I’ve been getting a lot of time off.”

“If you can’t, don’t worry about it.” He tried to sheathe his disappointment. “You do important work.” He wasn’t fooling you, but you decided to keep that to yourself.

“Maybe Stella and I will be there.” You shrugged. “I just can’t say for certain.”

A pause.

“Is Stella coming tonight?”

“I convinced her.” You beamed. “She’s bringing Odette.”

“You know, I don’t think Fred’s met her yet.”

“Neither has John. Roger’s been her only exposure.”

Brian creased his forehead. “Poor girl.” You giggled.

“If we do come,” referring to Friday’s performance, “would I be able to bring my camera?”

“Don’t think any of them would object.” He swallowed. “Deaky might need some convincing.”

“I’ll just tell ’im I think he’s very photogenic.” You simpered.

“That should do it.” Brian choked on his own words. He was shifting uncomfortably, but you weren’t paying attention, adjusting your headband. He cleared his throat loudly. “What time did Fred want us to be there?”

“I told him I’d help do some last minute setting up, so probably soon.” You walked out of the bathroom, with Brian in suit. He turned off the light and closed the door. You went into your bedroom, looking for the flats you planned to wear to finish your ensemble. Brian followed you and began to search for himself.

“Do we need to pick anything up beforehand?”

“No.”

Brian gave up looking on the floor, and instead moved to your dresser. He sifted through the jewelry scattered across the top, fascinated by the glints and glittering things. Ghosting a long, adept finger over the knicknacks, his eyes traced over your collection. Most of it was silver, as you much preferred it to gold. He began to chew on his bottom lip without thought. The random thumps you were making behind him sounded distant as he scoped in on something that caught his fancy. Gingerly lifting the trinket, Brian brought up a choker necklace he didn’t recognize. It was familiar, but he couldn’t place it.

“Y/N?”

“Hmm?” You were now looking under your bed, still not able to find the pair of shoes you wanted.

“Where did you get this from?” He twisted his shoulders enough for you to see. You moved your focus to what he held in his hand.

It was a thin black ribbon with a delicate floral pendant.

“Oh.” You got up. “A friend gave it to me.”

“Stella?”

“No. It was years ago.” You gently took the choker from Brian, smiling wistfully, not meeting his eyes.

He didn’t want to let it go, but he respected your unwillingness to elaborate.

You opened the jewelry box on the farther side of the dresser and crammed the necklace inside, away from sight.

Brian’s attention was grabbed by something, causing him to squat down. He shot up holding a pair of black bar shoes by the straps with his fingers. “Are these what you were looking for?”

You scrunched up your face. “No.” Brian lowered his hand awkwardly. “But they’ll do.” You reached for them, smiling apologetically, quickly slipping the shoes on.

“Should we be leaving?”

You nodded.

“Would you mind if I drove?”

Brian complied. He ducked into the living room and dug the keys from between couch cushions. You jingled them once he gave them to you.

“As long as I get to pick the music.”

“I have an excellent taste in music!” Huffing, you played along. “Need I remind you I was your first fan?”

“Other than my mother,” he corrected.

“No,” you crossed your arms over your chest. “I’m the original Brian May enthusiast.”

Brian gave you a sideways glance. “I don’t think she’d agree with you.”

“Well…” You had to think of something to come back with. “Ah!” You snapped your fingers. “I was the only audience member at your very first concert.”

“You and Whiskers,” Brian corrected you again, reminding you of his cherished childhood cat.

“Oh, alright.” Throwing your hands in the air, you gave up. “Your cat and I can share the title. I think we both deserve it after enduring your aimless key plunking.”

“I was four! And a damn good performer, all things considered.”

“My, how things have changed.” The wry comment made Brian crinkle his nose.

“Look at the time,” he feigned shock, pointing to the clock on the wall. “Can’t keep Freddie Mercury waiting.”

“You’re right. Don’t forget your cloak.”

Brian grabbed it from the back of the couch.

“Let’s rock and roll.” Brian bobbed his head. You stared at him disparagingly. “What?”

You snorted and rolled your eyes.

“C’mon, witchy woman. Our evening awaits.”

* * *

By the time the party was in full swing, you were already burnt out.

You had lost track of Brian when he was swept away by a drunk Roger to discuss some mystery business, and Stella and Odette were not there yet, so you sat alone on a barstool.

You weren’t sure how Freddie managed to rent out the large space. He was always astounding, but you felt that he had outdone himself. The decorations weren’t plentiful, but they were tasteful. You were just glad there wasn’t a ridiculous amount of bright lighting. The music filling the room was louder than you would have liked, but at least is was music you would be able to tolerate. Even a couple of Queen’s songs from their first album were slipped in. By now, you knew every lyric and every riff by heart.

There were lots of people you didn’t recognize, and you weren’t sure if they even knew anyone from the band. You suspected they just showed up to party. A particularly rowdy group had accumulated near you, and were screaming every two minutes. After a while you got fed up, and decided to move from your spot to find a quieter place to sit.

Although you already knew it, the evening confirmed that parties were not as fun without Brian beside you. The only positive thing about him being gone from you was that he wouldn’t slurp down half of the fruity drink you had: he loved fruity cocktails but seldom ordered them for himself. But even then, you’d rather have Brian than a Cosmopolitan.

Freddie snuck up behind you, but you knew he was coming due to his unsubsiding giggling.

He’s more of a lightweight than we give him credit for.

“Enjoying yourself?” He chirped into your ear, arms wrapped around your shoulders from behind.

“Yes, thank you, Fred.” You patted his arms, trying to signal for him to release you, but it only seemed to encourage him. “Where’s John?”

“I couldn’t get him to come. Said he was sick, but I know he was just trying to get out of it.” He paused. “No Brian?” Freddie was now swaying both of your bodies gently to the music, vaguely humming the melody. You didn’t say anything, shaking your head. “Good,” he cooed. “It means I can have you all to myself.” He let go of you and offered his hand. You stared at Freddie for a second, not sure what he wanted. Then he tilted his hand to the crowd of dancers. As you agreed to join him, you saw Stella and Odette coming into the space.

“Maybe in a bit?” You yelled over the noise. Fred lightly poked your nose and gave a wink, disappearing from your sight.

Knowing there was no way she could hear you shout, you waved your arms best you could, hoping Stella could see you over the sea of costumed partygoers. She smiled at you, pointing in your direction for Odette to know where they were trying to go. They eventually made their way through the chaos, enveloping you into a tight squeeze between them.

“Hey, babe,” Stella greeted you. “Having a good time yet?”

You shrugged, making a face of discontent. “Lost Bri a while ago.”

Stella and Odette exchanged sideways glances.

“Did you see where he went?” Odette asked, her American accent striking.

“No.” You looked over your shoulder as you spoke, hoping he might appear behind you. He didn’t. “You both look fantastic!” You admired their attire. Stella wore dainty white and yellow flowers in her afro, meant to go with the pattern on her dress. Though you couldn’t tell what she was supposed to be, you found her astonishing. Odette was noticeably taller than Stella, even when Stella was wearing taller heels, and wore her long hair down to complete her replication of Cher. You had to lift your head to see her face.

“So do you.”

The three of you found a loveseat to lounge on in the corner, and spent an indeterminable amount of time chatting in excitement. Conversation blurred over the rounds of beverages. You laughed a lot together, enjoying the crowded night more than you otherwise would have. Unless Brian had stuck around. It isn’t like him to run off. But you pushed that away, soaking in the present with the two lovely, giant women sitting next to you.

Odette spoke passionately about the bakery that she worked in, detailing random recipes without context, giggling each time she slurred her words. Stella watched her with such adoration and fascination it made you feel like you were almost intruding on private moments between the lovers. Blush faded in on your cheeks as their speech became more affectionate; they even started using their pet names for each other, which they seldom let slip out in public. It always made you smile thinking that Stella let Odette dub her “Sweetpea”, but if anyone else dared to call her that, she’d wring their necks. At some point in the night, however, they became so wrapped up in each other you stopped talking altogether. With the emptying of your glass, you stood up, full of jittery energy. You were going to have a fourth Cosmo, and you didn’t care if it would be too much to handle. The journey of making your way to the bartender was full of tricky maneuvers, most of which were dancers too far out of their minds to notice you.

You placed your cup on the bar, holding up a finger to get one of the bartenders’ attention. The one who served you looked older than most of the people in attendance, but even with your lowered inhibitions you figured it would be best to not point it out. He handed you the pink cocktail with a smile. You requited the action, taking the drink in hand. You could feel someone standing near you, so you turned to see who joined you. You wanted it to be Brian.

“Hello, Y/N!”

Your heart sank.

“Oh. Hello, Doctor Carlisle.”

“You really can call me Arthur, Y/N. We’re not colleagues right now.” He motioned for the bartender to take his order, asking for a vodka soda.

Your eyes dropped to the floor. You didn’t want to deal with him at the moment. You felt a little lonely, and only wanted the company of your best friend.

“I would hardly call us colleagues.” You took a sip from your glass.

“Why not? We work together, don’t we?”

You gave a polite laugh, hoping to hide your sarcasm.

“Don’t be so humble, doctor.”

“Nurses are just as important.” You could tell Arthur was proud of his statement. “Maybe even moreso.”

“We tend to be prettier,” you deadpanned.

He laughed sincerely.

“I’m glad we can agree on something.”

Until then, you had still been facing the bar. Something about his remark made you shift your body enough to have him be standing in front of you. It rubbed you the wrong way. And your drunk self wasn’t as understanding as sober you.

“Have you been here long?” Your voice was dripping with wryness.

“I was about to leave before I saw you.”

Lucky me.

“Too much for you?”

“No, it’s just more than I was expecting. You don’t strike me as the type to, uh…”

“Party?”

He laughed again, but this time it sounded more skittish than sincere. “I know you don’t like parties. I just never thought of you as being friends with musicians.”

What the hell does that mean?

“Why is that?”

“They’re not always the best crowd—”

“And you know who I’ve ought to be friends with?” The alcohol in your system made you more daring, more assertive.

“Wait, uh—”

“Thank you, sir, for your input.” You pushed yourself from your seat, ready to storm off in search of someone you actually wanted to be with.

“I’m sorry, Y/N.” Carlisle whispered, softly grabbing your arms. “We aren’t well acquainted, and it’s not my place to make judgements on your social life.”

Who talks like that?! You knew the answer.

“You’re fine, Arthur.”

It took you another minute to shrug his hands off of you.

But you did.

All you wanted to do was see Brian.

* * *

Meanwhile, tucked away in another part of the bar, Brian was huddled over Roger, trying to have a serious conversation. Unfortunately, both of them were too intoxicated to remain focused.

“I’ve been thinking—”

“That’s a first,” Roger wisecracked, amused with himself.

“I’ve been thinking about what you said.”

“When? Just now?”

“No, you idiot.” Brian smacked him upside the head. “In the dressing room.”

“We didn’t get ready together, Bri.” Roger tried to pry the beer bottle from Brian’s grip. “I think you’ve had too much, mate.” Brian batted the blond’s grabby hands away from him.

“I meant when we were shopping.”

A moment of realization.

“Oh!” Roger’s voice cracked. “Like a month ago?”

“Yeah, Rog. A month ago.”

“You remember what I said?”

“Yes, you sot! That’s why I brought it up.”

“Okay, I see. I get it. I see.”

Anyone standing nearby would have found the dialogue shared between them to be mind numbing.

“So what did you think of it?”

Brian groaned. “I thought it was a good idea. But now I’m thinking it’s not...a good thought...” He trailed off, wowed by his inadvertent rhyme.

A slender young woman approached the band members. She had a cloud of messy, dark hair like Brian’s, wearing a skimpy nurse costume.

“Brian May?” She sounded hopeful. Roger’s eyes widened at the sight of her.

“Yes, he is.” Roger thumped a hand against Brian’s chest, the blow was rougher than he intended.

The girl twisted a curl around between her thumb and index finger. “I’m a big fan of yours.”

Brian blushed. “Thank you, Miss...”

“Michelle,” she purred.

“Thank you, Michelle.” He tipped his bottle to her, like he was giving her a little toast.

“I play a little guitar myself.” Michelle took a small step closer, filling in some of the gap separating her from the guitarist. “But I was wondering if you might be able to give me a lesson?” Her question was innocent enough, but between the coy smile and the rasp in her tone, it was enough to assume she meant something more than learning guitar.

Brian didn’t move. He didn’t breathe. He stood, frozen with uncertainty. Roger, however, didn’t have the same fear. He licked his lips, gazing at the gorgeous woman who was propositioning his best mate.

“He’d love t—”

“I’m sorry, Michelle.” Brian broke from his statue-esque state. “You’re a lovely woman, and I want you to get...better at guitar, but I’m not able to help you with that.”

Her glittery face drooped in disappointment. “Do you have a girlfriend or something?”

“Nothing like that,” he grinned. It pained him. Especially since he found it so easy to say.

Michelle sighed. “If something changes, I’ll be around.” She lingered for an instant before strutting back in the direction she came from.

Roger bit his lip. “I’d like to give her a lesson.” Brian delivered another smack. Roger shrieked. “Cut it out, you titan!”

Brian threw his arms in the air, almost defeated. “But I’m not sure if she would hear me out, y’know?” He continued on his earlier point. It took Roger a second to catch up.

“Why wouldn’t she? It’s nice when people say they love you.” Roger took a swig of his nearly finished drink. “I would know.”

“Yeah, ’cept I actually mean it, Rog.”

Roger scowled but then made a face of acceptance, relinquishing any argument he would have come back with. Glancing behind his taller companion, Roger’s mouth fell slack from shock. Brian furrowed his brow, concerned with the sudden change in his friend’s manner.

“You alright?” Roger didn’t say anything, he just looked up to meet Brian’s gaze very slowly. “I didn’t mean it, Roger. I’m sure some of those girls really meant it. You’re oddly lovable.”

“Oh, no, Bri, I’m fine.” Roger was speaking more frantically now. It was like he was trying to hide something. He paused. “Oddly lovable, eh? Is that what you say to ’em when I ask you to talk me up?”

Brian wasn’t sure how to respond. He decided to turn around to see what sight had troubled Roger so. Roger gave a solid effort in trying to stop him, but ultimately his attempts were in vain. Brian looked directly upon the moment where Arthur held you by the arms, and you didn’t immediately push him away.

With tears welling up in his eyes, Brian shifted his gaze away from you, scanning the crowd. Then he saw what he was looking for. Roger tried to get his attention once he saw that you shrugged the doctor off of you and left him alone, but Brian had already stalked away. Roger couldn’t find him, he jumped to see over the heads of other party guests, but to no avail.

Brian was gone.

Decimated.

* * *

“Would you like for me to give you a little show?” Michelle teased, grazing her slender fingers over the buttons of her costume.

Brian could barely look her in the eye. He needed somebody, and she wasn’t that somebody. But he cleared his mind, ignoring anything that told him to turn back, to leave without making some huge mistake he might—he would—regret the next day.

He wouldn’t get to hold you tonight, nor any night.

“No, uh…”

Michelle gave him the same hopeful smile she had approached him with earlier.

“Leave it on, love.”

Her face lit up, then she pulled him closer to her. Locking in a deep kiss, Brian made sure she couldn’t see him clearly.

He didn’t want her to see the emptiness washing over him.

_______________

November 2

The concert venue was packed with young people of varying ages. Most of them appeared to be in university, which made since seeing that they were at Imperial College.

You stood with Stella at your customary spot at the right side of the audience, directly in front of your best mate. You had your camera strap around your neck, ready to take some dazing photos of the band. Especially Brian. To you, he always looked the most glamorous. Always the most exquisite.

Freddie pranced across the small, short stage with utmost confidence. He would strut between his bandmates, highlighting each of them when he stood by them. Sometimes he would lay in the middle of Brian’s legs while the guitarist was focused on his playing. You liked to capture moments like that with your camera. You thought it depicted their personalities rather well.

You were entranced with Brian’s effortless perfection, calling his name occasionally when he was being impressive. He’s always impressive. Maybe extra impressive. Whenever he looked up and saw you dancing for him, he couldn’t contain the smile forming. He looked very pretty like that. A vision of loveliness. It would have taken everything out of you to tear your eyes away from him.

But then someone did.

A tall, thin woman with hair as wild as Brian’s came up next to you. She had her hands on her hips, swaying her entire body to the music. It bothered you how offbeat she was, not keeping with the tempo. You wanted her to go somewhere else, she was distracting you from the performance. But she didn’t notice you. She was watching Brian.

You saw the way she bit her lip when Brian bit his. She looked like he made her breathless. It struck you, panging your chest with a flash of jealousy.

You thought you were the only one.

Of course, that’s not to say Brian wasn’t worthy of getting girls all aflutter, but it never occurred to you that anyone could have their breath taken away by him. Not like you did.

Brian looked up from his instrument, showing off his dexterity with a sly yet somehow timid grin. You lifted your camera to catch the moment. He eyed you, but then saw the new person standing in front of him, enthralled with his every move. The smile from his face faded the exact instant you pressed down to snap a shot.

_______________

November 12

“God, what an excellent way to start a tour!” Roger exclaimed as he threw his entire body across the couch in the band’s dressing room. Deaky laughed at the action and carefully perched on the edge of a cushion, a space Roger left open. They had matching robes over their shoulders, covering their stage clothes. Freddie subsequently joined them, sitting on one of the arms with his legs stretched over John’s lap. They were chattering excitedly. You agreed with Roger’s statement.

It was the first time you were able to watch from the wing, and it was a very different experience. You and Mary were privy to the glances exchanged between the performers, signalling when the next part of the song should play through, or when someone noticed a fan in the audience that held their fancy. It was usually Roger, sometimes Fred, rarely John, never Brian.

From time to time, Brian would turn to look at you. He would arch an eyebrow and make a silly face, resulting in both of you bursting with laughter. And somehow he always managed to do it right before a solo, then he would snap back into the performance with a newfound energy.

Brian smirked at his friends sitting on top of each other. “All the greats start in Leeds.” You knew he was being jocose.

“But we started in London, dear.”

“Then I guess you’re not going to be one of ‘the greats’,” you played off of Brian.

Freddie came back with the response, “My mistake. I suppose we’ll just have to settle for ‘the greatest’.”

“I suppose that’ll do,” you affirmed, a glint in your eye. You folded your arms and leaned against the little counter space against the wall, which was lined with mirrors. Brian stood next to you, mirroring your posture. You put your head against his arm, unable to put it on his shoulder. He snaked his arm around you, so you had to adjust your head to set it on his torso. He took a quick, light sniff of your hair and closed his eyes with contentedness.

John saw Brian’s small action and cleared his throat.

“Shall we celebrate?”

Everyone stopped to look at him. He never suggested activities of the nature.

“If Deaky needs a drink, I think we all could use one.” Roger playfully elbowed John in the ribs. John winced.

“I already reserved a room at the Black Horse,” Freddie puffed out his chest. “You’re not going to work tomorrow, are you, Y/N?”

“No, I’m not.”

Freddie gave a wicked grin. “Then tonight is going to be a good night.”

* * *

“Ooh, um...my first girlfriend’s name was Jill.” Roger said in between drinks of whiskey. “She liked to draw on my hands, like little trees or hearts.” He was happily lost in thought. “My mates thought it wasn’t very rock and roll, but I told ’em off. I said they were like practice tattoos, or something.” He laughed into his glass. “She once gave me a notebook full of her doodles. Even had a sketch of my face. It was pretty good.” Roger reached into a pocket to grab his pack of cigarettes. Both you and Brian gave him a death glare. While neither of you were particularly intimidating, Roger opted out of smoking. He rationalized that it was a small, confined space.

“How old were you?”

“Probably around fifteen. Sixteen, maybe.” Roger swallowed down the last of his drink. “I think it’s Brian’s turn.”

“To talk about my first girlfriend?”

“Or any mememmmorable one,” Freddie laughed at his own drunkenness.

“I mean, there’s not much to remember.” Brian said. “Of course, there was Mary,” he gestured to the blonde woman sitting beside Freddie. “But I don’t think we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Just kind of dating. Maybe grabbed a drink a couple of times. Nothing more.” Mary didn’t say anything, she just nodded her head briefly.

“There was Almost-Perfect,” you chimed in.

Brian gave you a blank stare for a little too long. “Oh, yeah. There was her.” He wagged a finger, absentminded.

You were a bit more sober than the others, besides maybe Mary, so his syntax was funny to you. No one else seemed to notice or mind.

“So that’s it?” Freddie sounded disappointed. “The long list of Brian May’s broken hearts is composed of two women who he wasn’t even in serious relationships with?”

“There were some others,” you defended. “In school, there was a girl named Tabitha he went out with. And at uni, he went out on dates. Some even went well enough for him to be out all night.” You winked at Brian.

“Did you meet any of ’em?” Roger sneered.

“No. They always took him home.” You thought for a second. “He actually never brought a girl over.”

“What about Jane?” Brian spoke up.

“I don’t count physics study partners—”

“Carol?”

“Or any study partners.” You tried to make the words coming from your mouth sound lighthearted and playful. Brian tousled his hair.

The group quieted.

“What about you, Y/N?” Freddie shifted to get a better view of you.

“What about me?”

“Who was your first boyfriend?”

“His name was Adam. Looking back, I wouldn’t really call him a boyfriend, but I do think of it as my first relationship.” You sipped on some champagne. “We ‘dated’ for like six months. I was fifteen...?” You searched your brain for confirmation. “Fifteen. I was fifteen when we went out. And he was a little pushy. Nothing bad happened, he was just kind of rushing to say ‘I love you’, that sort of thing. Guess I was a tad affection starved, so I said it back to ’im.” You paused, feeling awkward and vulnerable. “But then he was a little bitch who made out with a holidayer right before Valentine’s, so I dumped his needy ass. Haven’t ever put up with cheaters.” Finishing your champagne, you mumbled something that no one, at least in the others’ present state of mind, could understand. “Bri’s always been my best guy, and I haven’t second guessed that since.” Once you said it, you felt even more awkward and vulnerable.

“What about your first actual boyfriend?” Roger managed to ask.

Did he hear me?

“Was he better than Adam?”

Whew.

“I think most of them have been better than Adam,” you chortled. “But I think my first boyfriend was a good person to have as your first. We were friends, actually. Good friends. He would sing songs to me, bring me flowers.” Roger sat up more, leaning in to hear you more clearly. To him it sounded like you were describing Brian. “Brian was in a band with him.” There went his theory.

Roger wanted to ask you more questions, get a better idea of where Brian stood with you, but he couldn’t start with specificity. He didn’t want to arouse suspicion.

“What’s ’is name?”

--December 31, 1965--

“Is this alright?”

You looked up at Brian, who was standing in front of you, adjusting the collar on his blazer. The sleek black jacket contrasted nicely with the purple-grey button up he was wearing underneath it. You made a whirling gesture with your pointer finger.

“Give us a spin.”

He grabbed onto his lapels, then honored your request with a dainty twirl to show off his outfit. Your eyes wandered up and down his willowy body. He stopped moving and looked to you for your opinion.

“Very nice, Bri.”

“I have to look sharp for my date,” he beamed down at your sitting figure.

“I think she’ll be rather pleased.” You stood up, then rolled your eyes back a bit, as if you were mulling something over in your head. “She is.” You got up on your tiptoes to plant a sweet kiss on Brian’s cheek. “You clean up nicely.”

“It’s been known to happen.” Brian itched his nose. “You can go get dressed now, if you want.”

You pulled away from him, glee twinkling in your eye. “What? I can’t go in my sleepwear?”

He couldn’t tell you were teasing. His face blanched. “No. You can if you want. I didn’t mean to offend your clothes.” You grinned at his flustered manner.

“You’re on thin ice.” You held up a hand, keeping your thumb and index finger at a close proximity, about a centimeter apart. Brian scrunched his face with gentle annoyance and watched you walk away.

Closing the door gently behind you, you let out a deep breath. You hadn’t been able to decide what you were wearing to the New Year’s Eve celebration. The quilt on your bed wasn’t visible, but buried beneath the layers of clothes that had been strewn across it in a hurried fashion. Everything you had rifled through just didn’t seem to fit your mood. You dropped down on the mattress, sitting in the midst of your discarded outfit ideas. Some were too casual, or too colorful, or too flashy. It was hard for you to feel comfortable in any of them. You didn’t want to draw attention to yourself. The night was supposed to just be you and your best friend hanging out with some mates, despite the larger scale of the setting. You had to convince yourself that university parties were part of the experience. It wouldn’t be so bad if you had Brian there to experience with you. Sighing, you got back up and moved to the closet.

Maybe you had missed something.

The only clothes you saw that remained hanging were not going to work. You couldn’t figure out why you were having such an issue with selecting an outfit for one evening; you were never this picky about your appearance. Most of the time, you would wear some old tee shirt and your favorite trainers.

At least shoes were not the issue. You had the exact pair of shoes in mind for days. Sitting near the foot of your bed were your black, strappy kitten heels. They weren’t exactly winter-appropriate but they were cute.

You ran your fingers over a coat that you wanted to wear, but with other winter clothes under it, it would appear too bulky.

This decision is taking too much effort.

Lazily leafing through the hanging garments, you stopped with a thought. You knew what to wear. Searching the depths of the closet, you finally pulled out something that didn’t spring to mind earlier. It wasn’t the kind of thing you would wear in the wintertime, but since you had a coat and were going to be inside for the majority of the night, it might be okay.

With relief, you pulled your pajamas off and slipped the fitted dress up your legs and over your hips.

“Brian?” You called out to him. His long strides were heard hitting against the wood floor.

“Yes, love?”

“Can you come in and zip me up?”

Carefully, Brian turned the handle to your door, but the hinges creaking loudly despite his best efforts. He walked up behind you and grasped the small zipper in his lengthy fingers. His breath hitched as the zipper pulled over your bum, up to you waist. The black dress fit you perfectly.

You looked in the mirror and reached up to adjust your boobs. “Almost need to take the bra off.” You tilted your head, debating whether or not to do it. “Nah. Looks better this way, don’t you think?” You looked up to see Brian’s reflection. His eyes were transfixed elsewhere. “Bri?” He shook his head, clearing it of something. “Bra or no bra?” You looped a pair of earrings in and clasped a choker around your neck.

He blushed. “I think that’s your decision, Y/N.”

“Ugh. You’re no help.” You swatted him away as you reached for your coat. Brian backed up, his legs coming flush with your bedframe.

You quickly grabbed your shoes, slipped them on, then walked out of the room.

Brian left shortly after you did, but not before tripping over a stray Converse. Clumsily exiting the bedroom, he looked at you standing in the middle of the living room, fidgeting with one of the dragonfly earrings you had just put on. The slim fitting dress accentuated the curvature of your back, the dip of your hips. You glanced at him as he came it. Both of you were captivated by the other. You looked stunning. He looked dashing.

Brian was awestruck.

You noticed.

* * *

Brian had left to freshen up your drink for you, so you sat alone on the loveseat in this stranger’s home. It was garishly patterned, clashing bright yellow and green paisleys paired with burnt orange gingham. You had draped your coat over it to cover up the nauseating design.

Across from you, most of Brian’s bandmates were sharing a sofa. Richard, Jag, and Tim were having a hushed conversation, whereas Dave was nowhere to be seen. Occasionally you would look up and lock eyes with one of them, exchanging half-smiles of obligation. Tim would try to strike up some discussion, but you were obviously not too into it. You gave short answers and bit down on your cheek, eyes swimming. He wasn’t completely clueless, and could tell you were disinterested. After a few tries, Tim sank back into his seat, picking up where the others were in their chat. You felt a little bad for ignoring Tim, but your mind was elsewhere.

You couldn’t remove the look in Brian’s eyes from your memory. The happiness, the softness, the enamoration. The unfamiliarity sprawled across such a familiar face.

You also couldn’t forget how the sight of him made you feel.

Infatuated.

It made you flustered, thinking about how handsome your childhood friend became. The thought hadn’t escaped your mind, but the direct confrontation with his beauty made it a much more pressing issue. And you couldn’t help but consider the kindness he had shown you since you met him. It made you think that maybe the feelings had been surfacing for him too, but you didn’t want to get your hopes up. You weren’t even sure what it was you were feeling.

Maybe it was just the wine talking.

* * *

“Brian?”

Brian turned around, still pouring your drinks. Dave was tapping his toe anxiously behind him, tightly holding a glass of clear liquid.

“Yeah, mate?”

“I’ve been meanin’ to talk to you about somethin’.”

“What?”

“I know you two are close, and I don’t want you to be uncomfortable with it, but would you mind?”

Brian shifted weight into his right hip, giving Dave a look of impatience. “Dave, you know I’m not a mindreader, right?”

“Oh. Yeah, no, ’course not.”

“Just spit it out then, man.” Brian spun away, finishing filling your wine glass. He had a sinking feeling he knew what this was about, but didn’t want Dave to see his face tense up.

Dave stepped closer. “Well, you know how Y/N has been comin’ to our concerts a lot? Pretty much since the beginning, really.”

“I’m aware of that, yes.”

Dave shut his eyes, trying to work out what he was thinking, to make it more comprehensible. “I’ve taken to her quite nicely, and I think she feels the same way about me.” He paused, taking a deep breath. Brian stopped pouring, but did not turn to face his bandmate. “But you know her better than I do.” Obviously. “And I was wondering if she might be interested, or if she was seeing someone.” Brian felt a large, dry lump in his throat, making it difficult to swallow his shallow breaths.

He wanted to say you were seeing someone. He wanted to burst at the seams, telling Dave everything that he had built up in his heart for several years. He wanted to lie about your status, to say that you were keeping it secret so Dave wouldn’t ask you about it. He wanted to do something.

He just couldn’t.

“I think she’s unattached,” Brian choked.

Dave’s face brightened. “Really? D’you think she likes me?”

“Who wouldn’t?” Brian’s voice was now a mere whisper.

“God, I’ve been waiting so long!” Dave slapped Brian on the back, with a little too much force.

Funny, Brian thought. I was just thinking the same thing. His chest fell, causing his normally heightened stature to drop into itself.

Dave was too ecstatic to notice the sorrow in his physicality, and bounced away from the drink table. Brian looked just in time to watch him go.

Mustering up any motivation he could, he grabbed the drinks and propelled himself in the same direction.

* * *

You perked up once you saw Brian’s shaggy mane poke through the doorframe you had been watching nonstop. His large hands held the small wine glasses with great care, delicately holding out his pinkies to the sides. To you, the image was comedic. He handed you the glass containing white wine, while keeping the red for himself.

“Thank you.” You raised the glass to Brian as he sat down next to you.

“You’re welcome. I stomped the grapes myself.”

You bit your cheek, trying to stop your laughter from encouraging him.

His eyes shifted over to Dave, whose back was to the loveseat you were both sitting on. Suddenly, Brian grabbed your hand, making you jump.

“Do you want to go somewhere quieter? All the noise is giving me a headache.” His speech was rapid, you couldn’t really process it. You didn’t understand how he got from A to B.

“It’s not that loud in here, Bri.” You rested the back of your hand on his forehead. “Are alright? You don’t feel warm.”

Brian pulled away from your touch. “I feel better now.” He pushed up from the chair.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” he said, as he paced away to stand by the wall. You were about to get up to follow him when Dave approached you.

“Hey, Y/N. Have a minute?”

You stared blankly for a moment, not fully hearing what he had said. Then you understood. “Sure. What can I do for you, Dave?” You gave him a phony sunny grin as he took the liberty to fill Brian’s seat.

“I was wondering if maybe…”

Oh god. Where are you going with this, mate?

“If you were up to it…”

No. Don’t say what I think you’re about to say.

“You would be my kiss at midnight?”

That was not quite the question you were expecting, but it still wasn’t something you wanted for him to say.

“Hmm?”

Dave swallowed deeply. “I like you, Y/N, and I want to take you out sometime, and I just thought it would be nice to ring in the new year with someone special.”

Someone special.

Your eyes drifted up to Brian, who was gazing out the window with no expression. The wine in his glass was already gone. His shoulders were completely slack.

“So, Y/N, would you like to join me out on the terrace?”

You tuned back into what Dave was saying. He had a hopeful glow emanating from him. You couldn’t say no.

“Uhh...” You glanced at Brian again.

If he said something, or even looked at you, you have stayed.

But he didn’t.

“I’d love to,” you muttered. Dave stood up and offered you his hand. Hesitantly, you took it, and together, you strolled out into the frosty December air.

Brian observed your exit.

He left his post at the wall and left through the front door to sit in the car for the rest of the night.

He wouldn’t leave you there, but he couldn’t bare to watch you slip away.

You never came out.

--1973--

You toyed with the hem of your skirt, skipping Brian’s face when you looked around the room.

“My first boyfriend’s name was Dave. Dave Dilloway.”

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thawedpatriot · 5 years

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okay, my e.ndgame thoughts are below the cut. beware, they’re somewhat incoherent at times mainly just because my brain is still trying to wrap my head around some stuff. also it’s really really long. like 3k words long. major spoilers ahead!

-okay so the whole beginning felt. really rushed, if that makes sense? like, i’m glad that tony got back to earth fairly early on but that was very sudden, having carol show up and carry the ship to the compound. however, i can’t complain too much because watching steve book it to tony’s side as he was coming off the ship gave me life. the fact that he just hovered the whole time and was there to support him and show he cares just. pleased me.

- tony had every right to blow up at steve. i mean, god, the man’s been through so much. he’s lost so much and is still recovering from everything that happened. he’s frustrated and angry and hurting and steve pressed for information too callously too soon, and it set an exhausted tony off. totally valid. and tony was right, he saw all this coming and no one listened to him, even though half of that was just bc aou was a fucking mess writing wise. but steve told him ‘together’ and because they weren’t together when shit went down, they all lost. would it have killed either of them to call during the two years they had to do so? no, probably not. that probably would’ve been a step towards working back to that ‘together’ thing. because there’s years of unresolved tension and conflict between them at this point, none of it ever got resolved between them, so it’s finally coming to a head now that they’re properly in the same room again.

- that said, the ‘you weren’t there when i needed you’ bit rubbed me the wrong way. because it was bruce who ended up calling. tony never made a call, never asked for steve’s help. never let him know he needed him, even though he had that ability to. so yes, steve is at fault here too, but it’s not 100% on him that things went down the way they did, if that makes sense.

- tony shoving the arc reactor into steve’s hand???? killed me on the spot, thanks.

- the devastation steve must be feeling when they figure out the stones are gone??? gutting. he was so sure they would be able to bring everyone back wit the stones once they’d taken care of thanos. he was so ready for a fight, so ready to get his revenge and make things right, and there just. was no fight, no way to bring his friends back. he’d lost bucky all over again, and now he’s lost sam, too. sam, who he dragged into all this. that kind of guilt festers in him for those five years, no doubt.

- i wanna know what steve did for those five years. because, yes, we see him talking in that small therapy group, but not only is he giving advice he’s not taking himself, but he’s just not shown doing much of anything else. he’s holding on to all his trauma and grief and not dealing with it, just like he’s been doing since he left the ice. so what is he doing all that time??? but also seeing him in a therapy group setting made my heart swell a little bit because you know he did that for sam. he misses his friend and is doing that for him, i will not believe anything otherwise. sam was and is so important to him.

- this is unrelated to steve but is important to me as a bi: carol’s hair looked so good i made a noise when i saw it and my friend hit me in the arm

- god i wish we saw more of steve and nat interact. because clearly they’ve been in contact with one another for the past 5 years and that’s probably the longest running friendship he’s had going besides bucky so. it’s nice to know he didn’t lose everyone in one way or another for those 5 years. they just know each other so well and recognize the similarities between one another and i’m just really glad he wasn’t all alone all that time.

- steve is so done with everyone throughout this movie, including himself. it’s beautiful.

- sidenote, i could not take bruce seriously as a character the way he was and i don’t know why. also they did thor dirty. they did thor so dirty. he was a joke until they needed him to fight. the level of guilt and trauma thor is dealing with is immeasurable and they turned it into comic relief by leaning into fat-shaming and joking about alcoholism???? nah man, that’s not okay. not at all. address that he’s dealing with ptsd, show that he’s using unhealthy coping mechanisms, and help him. don’t make fun of him, don’t just let him keep doing that to himself, help him. the only scene in the whole movie i genuinely liked with him in it was his scene with frigga. because she took him seriously, she was willing to listen and offer advice and tell him what he needed to hear. that scene was so important.

- another sidenote, as much as i disliked p.epperony in the past, this movie made me appreciate them more. because i’ve always loved them both as individual characters, pepper potts owns my whole soul, but as a couple they were just written in a way that made me not love it as the movies went on. however, this movie really showed growth in their development as a couple, in pepper accepting tony for who he is and the needs he has to do good. also tony is an amazing father and it’s just so validating to see a character who grew up with an abusive parent break the cycle and become soft and kind in any interactions he has with his daughter. you can tell how much he loves his family, and it’s what he deserved.

- okay so i hope we can all agree the time travel science in this movie was fucked and they did a really bad job at explaining how it works. it was not clear, did not make sense, and following standard time travel laws there were a million paradoxes happening and it makes me angry. nebula killing her past self? bullshit bc she should not exist after that. steve’s whole ending??? also bullshit but i’ll get to that later because that’s an essay in itself.

- tony giving steve the shield back was such a big deal okay. the fact that tony has acknowledged that holding onto the resentment was detrimental to his own health and being was so important. we got a handshake and i really thought they were gonna go for a hug but noooo that’d be too much to ask for i guess. but steve hasn’t seen or held that thing in like 7 years it has to be nice to have it in his hands again, seeing as he always refers to it as an extension of his arm and all. and to be getting it back, nice and polished, from tony probably means a great deal to him as well.

- okay now let’s get to the actual time travel bit. steve and tony being the ones to zap back to 2012???? my god its like everything i ever wanted was handed to me on a platter. that movie was what got me on this marvel train and as even with its issues, it holds such a dear place in my heart. so you know the second that ‘2012′ popped onto the screen i was ready to combust. and then it just got better because it felt like an extension of the movie, like we were seeing deleted scenes, which was just. really nice??

- god okay “america’s ass” gave me so much life as dumb as the whole joke was. because tony blatantly checking out steve’s ass?? my dude thats the gayest thing i’ve ever seen with my own two eyes. but then tony commenting on how his ass looks in the suit???? i was living, okay. living. and the fact that he checked out his past self’s ass and was like ‘yeah, damn straight’ amused me greatly.

- ngl the ‘hail hydra’ bit made me uncomfy initially, but honestly i’m just gonna appreciate how clever my boy is and how stupid hydra is. his ‘i’m clever and i know it and i just outsmarted piece of shit nazis’ smile as he walked away from the elevator with the case???? priceless. i was half expecting another elevator fight but i guess that wouldn’t really make sense sfdghj

- steve fighting himself? past steve reacting to the compass appearing and getting super fucking pissed over the concept that someone might’ve taken it or something??? the fact that it was ‘bucky is alive’ that had him going full stop???? oof. also, the ‘i can do this all day’ and ‘yeah, i know’ was funny initially but oh my god is my boy exhausted. he’s so tired. he’s been fighting for decades. someone let him rest. please.

- also unrelated, i wanna know where the fuck loki fucked off to when he grabbed the tessaract. like is this where the concept for his spinoff show comes from???? what did he do????

- steve and tony being on the same wavelength and trusting each other??? steve trusting tony wholeheartedly even if he didn’t fully know what it was tony was planning?? important. so, so important.

- steve in camp lehigh. oh my god. why did no one recognize captain america???? it’s been twenty years, sure, but y’all slapped ‘birthplace of captain america’ on your sign and there’s probably pictures of his face around in more places than peggy’s desk. you’re telling me no one would recognize him standing in the middle of the military camp??? nah, i don’t buy it. y’all had poor disguises and didn’t even get him sunglasses or anything. c’mon guys, you’re better than this.

- okay look this isn’t a tony blog but what the fuck was that scene with howard,, i understand it in terms of why they included it when looking at the narrative. because of tony’s whole ‘resentment is corrosive, didn’t like it’ thing and the need for closure on that front before his story ends, but he didn’t owe howard jack shit, let alone a ‘thank you’. that man, even if he had the best intentions and wanted tony to succeed in the future because he knew he had potential, was neglectful and abusive. he was not affectionate, he did not make tony feel as though he were loved, and it deeply affected tony as a person. the fact that he doesn’t know how far along his own wife is with their firstborn child??? big red flag right there, friends. sure, it’s good to show kids with bad relationships with their parents that its possible to work through negative emotions and resentment and move on with their lives but this was not the example to give. tony did not owe his father anything at that point. he’d moved on, made himself better, became a better father than howard was to him. i’m just. so angry about it okay.

- steve looking through the glass of peggy’s office at her, believing this was the last time he was going to see her again??? broke my heart but i called it as soon as i knew time travel was involved in this movie. i knew they’d throw a ‘steve sees her while traveling and is really sad about it’ bit in there somewhere. and i would have been content if that was it, if that was all he got. if that was the closure he got, one last glimpse of her. the fact that twenty years later she still has the picture of him, before he was captain america, on her desk??? erases any of the development and growth we know she went through in her series and whatnot, but it’s a good reminder that peggy carter was one of the few people that saw steve for who he was. she saw the skinny kid from brooklyn and knew he had what it took to be a hero, she saw him for the good man he was. she loved him for who he was. that means a great deal to steve, who no doubt struggles with the line between steve and cap a lot. but by this point, peggy would have moved on. in the series, she had moved on. erasing all of that development is detrimental to her character and i refuse it.

- seeing jarvis again was a treat. i squeaked.

- what the fuck was that with natasha??? what kind of man-pain fuel was that??? and why didn’t she get the proper funeral/mourning she deserved??? she’s been around since im2, she was the one who united the avengers, she was the first female avenger (bc they swept janet van dyne under the rug but thats a whole other rant), and that’s the end of her arc??? as soon as i saw where her and hawkeye were headed i just knew. i knew what was gonna happen and i was hissing internally. because i knew there was no way she’d be like ‘yeah you’re my best friend, you have a family, you go ahead and jump’ and on behalf of all the mcu writers i wanna apologize to all c.lint.asha shippers for the mess the mcu gave y’all. i’m so sorry j*ss fucked it up for y’all bc he wanted something for two characters no one else wanted. she deserved to be mourned. she didn’t deserve to be forgotten for like the rest of the film after that initial ‘she’s gone’. she deserved a funeral, too. steve just lost one of his closest friends???? on top of everything else he’s lost, let him express that. please.

- so back on my s.tony shit, the ‘that’s my man’ when tony nudged steve awake to hand him back his shield after the compound blew up??? not heterosexual at all. y’all aren’t even trying to hide it anymore u bastards

- STEVE ROGERS USING THE HAMMER. Y’ALL. Y’ALL. MY BOY IS WORTHY AND I KNEW IT AND THIS MEANS HE SPARED THOR IN AOU BC HE’S A COMPASSIONATE LOSER WHO DIDN’T WANT TO HURT HIS FRIEND’S PRIDE AND FEELINGS. BUT GOD THAT WAS THE COOLEST GODDAMN THING I’VE SEEN ON SCREEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. HIM USING BOTH HIS SHIELD AND THE HAMMER AT THE SAME TIME, MAKING COMBO STRIKE OUT OF IT??? USING THE LIGHTING???? MAN I CAN TELL YOU WITHOUT A DOUBT THAT I HAVE NOT SCREAMED SO LOUD IN A MOVIE THEATER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. GOD I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.

- all the ladies fighting together?? shielding peter???? kicking ass together??? gave me life. that was the most beautiful scene in the entire mcu,,, it made my bi heart burst,, all it was missing was nat, but it was a nice way to be like ‘this is what she started’. and seeing pepper out there as rescue was just the cherry on top okay i love her sm she’s so cool and finally fighting out there alongside tony and rhodey. my wife carol danvers is also the coolest??? not even flinching when thanos does whatever head-butt thing he was going for??? god i love my wives.

- ‘on your left’ god damn yes let sam wilson be the one to announce that they’re all back my boy deserves it. i wanted a proper reunion between steve and sam and/or bucky. we didn’t get that. we didn’t get that!!!!!! we didn’t get anything like that!!!!! steve was primarily on his own for 5 years because he lost his two best friends and we don’t get a reunion scene??? i call bullshit, marvel

- also rocket trying to shield groot with his own little body during the aerial attack??? broke my little heart??? like he just got him back and is terrified that he’ll lose him again,,,

- no one talk to me about tony stark i can’t handle it, he deserved to be happy and live a long life with his family. he deserved that happy ending, but i’m so grateful that pepper just. understood what he needed. she knew what he needed to hear and was there for him and could just ‘we’ll be okay, you can rest’. and give him that peace of mind. he did it, he saved the universe, he brought everyone back, he can rest. but god he really deserved to be able to rest with his family, happy and alive, okay.

- steve’s small exchange with bucky was like a nice reference to the first cap movie, but that was all we got. steve has spent multiple movies trying to get bucky back and help him, and we don’t even get a reunion scene and then just this one little bit of back and forth. a soft ‘i’ll miss you’, even though its technically only supposed to be seconds for them?? like,,, does that means bucky knows??? like, he has a feeling he knows what steve’s gonna do??? idk man, idk. all i do know is that they deserved better in this movie. i’m also summing up bucky’s telling sam to go talk to steve as bucky’s ‘i don’t know if i can handle that’ admission tbh.

- god bless sam wilson. between being the one to be like ‘bring him back. where is he? get him back.’ the second something seemed to go wrong with the time travel was,,, really nice. like, thank you for caring about my boy. thank you for always having his back. i love you so much sam wilson. and anyone who thinks sam shouldn’t be the one to get the shield can meet me in a back alley okay, this man has earned it, he’s the right pick for the cap mantle. the cap theme playing when he was given the shield? Iconic. did i cry whenever the cap theme played during this movie?? Absolutely.

- time travel in this movie is a fucking joke but i wanna know if steve had to see the red skull when he returned the soul stone because can you imagine??? that interaction??? like, did anyone warn him??? did anyone tell him the red skull was there or was it only implied when clint said something about a red man or whatever after coming back and being upset about natasha???? but also where did steve travel back to in order to start his new life??? were there just two caps in the universe??? one in the ice and one living his life w/ peggy???? none of it makes sense. none of it. where does the shield go/come from???? guys??? guys.

-okay now we address the end of steve’s arc. i’m gonna start by saying i see both sides of the discourse it’s stirred up. i understand the intention behind it, not wanting steve’s story to just be one big tragedy. because that’s where it was headed. if they killed him, he would have been fighting for decades on end without rest, without knowing peace, and that would’ve been it. that’s not the end people want to see for their heroes. he deserves to be able to put down the shield and rest. he deserves that ending for himself after fighting his whole life. However, the way they did it not only flattened his entire arc, but it flattened peggy’s entire character as well. she built a life in his absence, she moved on, and he knows this. he knew this, and i refuse to believe that steve would selfishly go back and disrupt that, take that away from her for the sake of his own personal happiness. that’s not steve rogers, a good and compassionate man. because think about the life he’d have to lead, knowing all he does. because if he isn’t supposed to disrupt the timeline, he has to let everything with hydra happen and infiltrate shield, something he knows peggy’s dedicated to, he has to let everything with bucky happen and be okay with not stepping in and rescuing his best friend from that horrific life/killing tony’s parents, he has to watch both tony and sharon grow up knowing everything about their lives??? (not to mention how fucking weird everything with sharon would be considering the mcu just forgot about her after they made out in the parking lot???? sharon deserved better.)

- this wasn’t an end of an arc, it was the flattening of an arc. he didn’t actually deal with anything that he’d been through. tws was all about how he needed to move on, peggy herself told him that the world was changing and he had to move with it instead of lingering in the past and what he lost. he was supposed to be building himself a new life, addressing what he lost and the trauma he’s been through and work through it all to push onward. that’s development. he got away with not working on himself or anything he went through, the group therapy was never actually beneficial because he didn’t take any of his advice, he clung to his emotions and grief and wasn’t able to move on and says as much. giving him this easy way out just feels lazy in my opinion. like they didn’t know what to do with him, wanted him to end up happy, and this was the only way they saw that happening because he wasn’t properly developed over the course of the mcu. i’m happy my boy ended up happy, don’t get me wrong, i was very close to sobbing over him finally getting that dance, but it was highly unsatisfactory in terms of a story and character arc.

#sir that is my emotional support canon divergence ( ooc )#long post #endgame spoilers #avengers endgame spoilers #a4 spoilers

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legitimateluffy · 5 years

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just some thoughts and reflection about 2018 and some hopes for 2019

2018 has honestly been a very very bad year for me and for a lot of reasons. My mental health had gotten worse with the stress levels from my final year of high school rising to new levels, with constant freak outs and negative thoughts going through my mind. And it was fucking awful, with my negative thoughts becoming more constant and more negative as time went on. Especially since it felt as if I had no support from others.

But I managed to build enough courage to tell some people almost exactly what went through my mind, which resulted in mixed reactions from people. I already know that there’s a high chance that some of those people will read this and continue to observe my actions and words here because it’s already happened. My words will be wrongly interpreted and discussed as they have been in the past. At first that made me feel trapped and restricted, like I have to carefully watch what I say and consider if what I’m going to say is going to be taken the wrong way or I’m gossiping about people/things. However I should be allowed to talk about my feelings. I should be able to discuss my thoughts. Because I’ve learnt that piling them up and keeping them to myself is unhealthy for me and I have to think about myself. I am allowed to be selfish sometimes because I matter. I should not have to constantly worry about what other people think because honestly?? if people wanna talk about me then that’s their problem and not mine.

Of course, I won’t go into details for respect of people even though I want to talk about things. There are a few people that I’m so grateful for that I may never really see again but I’m so thankful for the kind words and actions they’ve given to me that I wish I could make it up to them before we disappear from each other’s lives. But rn I don’t really have irl friends anymore ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (except for like one) and yeah, I can already feel this being taken out of context

Things that I wanted to succeed at, a majority of them I didn’t. Things that I did do really well in were things that were not important to me or school which frustrated me greatly throughout the year. And a lot of the time, I let things bring me down when I shouldn’t have let them. Thoughts and actions made me feel worse about myself and I have never hit such a low point in my life than I did this year. When I tried to make an active change in my life with some things, such as attempting to get fit again, I failed to keep at tit after trying for a small period of time. And yeah, it really sucked and upset me, I’m still disappointed in myself that I failed to continue pushing myself since I constantly ask myself “what would I be like if I had kept going?”. Hopefully that can change soon. BUT, while a good 99% of 2018 has been horrible to me, ever since I finished high school, with my final exam, I’ve felt better about myself. Whether my negative thoughts were a product of 13 years of school, being surrounded by immature teenagers for years upon years in a stupid system or because of how I am, I don’t know. But I haven’t had negative and bad thoughts about myself for, I’d like to say over a month. Little steps I’ve taken have already improved my health, physically and mentally. I drink a lot more water now which I know is honestly the tiniest thing to some people and isn’t even worth talking about as an achievement but it has made a difference to how I feel. I used to constantly feel so tired and exhausted every time I woke up in the morning but now I don’t feel as bad. Sure I still suffer from some sleeping problems but they’re not as bad as they once were. Sometimes those thoughts that have been a normal thing before, I immediately counteract those points to myself and repeat over and over again why that bad thought is wrong. I don’t know how or why it’s worked but it has and I’m so glad that so far, it has worked.

My art, which a lot of the time I downgrade because I’m not satisfied with it has also improved, especially in the last month or so I like to think! Am I at the level that I want to be at? No. But that’s okay. I’m allowed to be where I’m at, regardless if people younger than me have far superior art skills in my belief. But again, that’s okay. To me it may not be that great, but to someone else, it can be. I’ve had someone this year that is somewhat in the industry say that they believe that I’m a confident artist, and while I may not necessarily agree with it, it made me feel incredibly happy to get a compliment that they off handedly said about my work.

I know it’s really cheesy and probably naive to believe that “new year, new me” but I really believe that 2019 will be a big change for me. I will be starting university which I’m quite excited for! Being with people that have the same passion as me excites me greatly, especially since I don’t have to deal with people who don’t like the class and are doing it because they have to. And while I find it highly unlikely that I’ll get into a relationship, or anything close to it next year, I feel as if I can move towards that goal of dating a girl. I’m hoping that once I find new people, I’ll grow into someone better than myself and someone I’m truly happy being.

Some goals that I want to work towards are:

Becoming fit again like I used to be

Creating a webcomic of some kind. While I don’t believe it will be very good, I want to use it in order to grown and evolve my skills as an artist

Openly trying new things

Become more impulsive, and doing things without constantly contemplating when and how I should do things. I want to be more of a doer than a thinker

Find additional things to love

Becoming more comfortable with my sexuality

find a girlfriend

2019 will be a new chapter of my life, while 2018 ends one. I hope to look back here in a year and be happy at the progress, no matter how little it may be, I’ve made.

#personal #kind random thoughts I blurted out

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hope-for-olicity · 6 years

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MY Problems with Olicity in S6

I realize this may not be a popular post and you should feel free to skip :) But one of my biggest problems with Season 6 has been Olicity and it’s mainly due to both characters being written out of character.

I LOVE Olicity. I’ve cheered for them for a long time. I also love Oliver and Felicity separately but probably Felicity a little more...but then there is THE HAIR...I never would have thought there would come a time where I didn’t wish them to marry. But it did and this is coming from a girl who was just find with a quickie wedding on Lian Yu beach in 5x23. But season 6 changed Olicity in my opinion in a way I never dreamed possible. So no, the fact that they are married doesn’t just tie things up in a bow for me.

So the season started with Olicity not together because Oliver rightly had to focus on William. We are told that they talked and agreed to put their relationship on hold for this purpose. This all made sense.

But we quickly learn that close to six months have passed since that decision was made and William seems to be doing okay. He knows Raisa, he goes to school, we even see him interacting with Oliver and he seems as okay as one can be after what he’s gone through. The only person not allowed to spend time with him is Felicity. And she is clearly, understandable hurt by this.

It comes down to trust. Oliver did not trust her to be near William. I can’t imagine how horrible this felt...but we did see reflected in her desperation to be included, her shock when Oliver suggested she come over in 6x01 - like he’d never done it before. Watch her face drop in the gif below.

It was heartbreaking because Felicity is amazing and of course she would want to support Oliver and William. And it’s seems the only way she can do that is by following the agreement.

Oliver at this point is simply overwhelmed. I doubt he even noticed anything going on with Felicity. He was too busy being a single-father, Mayor and Green Arrow.

It was just a rough place to start after I foolishly thought we would start 6x01 with them together.

Then we get to 6x03, when Oliver finally allows Felicity to see William. It broke my heart to see how desperately she wanted this. But there was still insecurity. At the end of 6x03, Oliver deemed she was safe to be in William’s life - or at least that’s how I determined it and she hopped back into his arms - literally - WITH NO TALK. What changed to make her suddenly trustable with his child?

6x04 was a lovely honeymoon phase where Felicity actually got to do something, the only time in all of Season 6. William wasn’t discussed everything was perfect.

Not going to lie, I loved it.

6x05 and 6x06 were the waste of time Slade shows. But the end of 6x06 we see Oliver come home to see Felicity and William there together. This should have been wonderful. Instead, Felicity is defensive about being there. She is STILL insecure about whether or not she can have a relationship with William. Which is insane. To his credit, Oliver does actually say I’m so glad you are here BUT HE HAD TOO.

6x07 Everything is peachy keen and they are the perfect happy family

Arrow 6x08 More happy Olicity until he brings up marriage and Felicity says NOW. I literally cheered! Yes, it’s going to happen. She’s going to tell him her insecurities about trust they are going to talk and then get married! It will be WONDERFUL. But of course that did not happen. The writers decided Felicity said no because she’s scared of happened when they were engaged before - legit BUT WAY out there for me. So they tied it up with a bow with a “wedding” that I try never to think of. Felicity said she was marrying Oliver because she was afraid of losing him - that just sounds majorly unhealthy to me. It felt fast underhanded and the Felicity I know and love would have handled the whole hjacking wedding thing very differently. Again pushing it out of my mind. Think about that - I have to push my OTP’s wedding out of my mind because it upsets me so much.

6x09 I can’t tell you how many times I watched the first 10 minutes of this episode over and over. THIS was the wedding my OTP deserved. I tried to come to terms that they are never going to discuss their issues and move on from it.

6x10-6x13 - A few tiny Olicity scenes, which honestly is what I anticipated happening once they married. I swear they touched more when they weren’t together. Felicity was completely submissive, never telling Oliver when he’s wrong - nothing. This was poor writing and I’m sure Oliver greatly appreciates Felicity’s opinion.

6x14 or as I like to call the episode where Felicity woke up.

The whole premise of this episode was wrong. And Felicity went right along with it. Oliver protected Felicity and that was nice to see - although, I never doubted he would.

6x15 only the second episode of Arrow I liked this year. Olicity were fabulous and written well - for the most part.

6x16 was more blah, would have been nice to see a conversation between Olicity regarding the whole Nyssa wife thing but my expectations are in the toilet right now - so not shocked.

6x17 Felicity is staying by her man. Not getting into the whole Diggle thing here, would need another post.

6x18 Felicity tells Oliver - I’m glue - it is definitely the most romantic and best Olicity moment of the season - and they got married this season, remember? 6x04, 6x15 and 6x18 may be the only watchable episodes for me of the season.

Felicity calling him her man - hehehe- I was positively giddy.

Which brings us to 6x19 - definitely a low point for Olicity. Which was especially cruel after I was so happy. Felicity is legit upset and Oliver ignores her feelings and Felicity ALLOWS it - I’m still not over it. WTF?! It was out of character for both characters. Oliver has been obtuse in the past but this, THIS - took it to a whole new level. Felicity clearly expressed her feelings and he brushed them off as though she was a child and she KISSED him. Clearly I’m upset about this.

So needless to say, I’m counting the days until the punishment of Season 6 is over. I’m trying to keep my hope for Olicity alive - but man it’s been hard. And no, I don’t think any of this will be solved with a baby. But I wrote another post about that.

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this long ramble and thanks to those who made the gifs.

@memcjo @wherethereissmoak @green-arrows-of-karamel @mel-loves-all @spaztronautwriter @onceuponarrow @coal000 @vaelisamaza @tdgal1 @oliverfel4

#my thoughts #olicity season 6 #I'm not happy

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i-love-my-smol-dark-son · 6 years

Text

Break

Summary: Logan loved his husband. Really, he did. But sometimes temptation was too hard to ignore.

Warnings: Infidelity/cheating, swearing, sex mention (nothing graphic), implied nudity, lying, fighting, no happy ending

Pairings: platonic Moxiety, Logicality (unhealthy relationship), Logince (briefly and unhealthy)

A/N: I love Logan, but this fic is not kind to him, so beware.

The first time it happened, Patton didn't say anything.

It wasn't that he didn't know. Logan was certain he knew; there was no way he didn't know. Contrary to what some believed, Patton was not stupid. He was, however, willing to stubbornly ignore the obvious. Especially when it came to Logan's flaws. Which was why, when he found a t-shirt that clearly didn't belong to either of them laying in the bathroom, he didn't ask about it. No, he simply washed it and placed it, neatly folded, on top of Logan's nightstand.

Logan hid it in his desk at work and returned it as soon as possible.

That night, he brought home flowers and took Patton out to a fancy restaurant. The smile on Patton's face told him all was forgiven and he was so relieved. When they kissed, it was deep and loving and Logan wondered how he could ever stray. In that moment, he silently swore he'd never do it again.

The second time, Patton walked in minutes after he- another nameless, faceless person, insignificant, really- left. The usually bubbly man was smiling, but Logan knew him well enough to know it didn't quite reach his eyes. "Who was that?" He asked, carefully putting his work bag down by the door and easing off his shoes.

Logan adjusted his tie, silently cursing when he realized the buttons on his shirt were not lined up correctly. "A colleague from work. We were discussing our lesson plans and the new administration."

"Oh. Okay."

And that was that. Patton disappeared into the bedroom and didn't come out till dinner. By then, Logan had cooked and lit almost a dozen candles. When he saw the romantic scene, Patton's face lit up and he kissed Logan happily. Once again, all was good. All was forgiven without either having to say a word.

This time, Logan knew he'd be loyal. Never again would he risk the wonderful, perfect life he'd found with Patton.

The third time was too obvious. By then, it was impossible for Patton to miss the proof. He didn't say anything, however. He simply wiped the lipstick off Logan's neck and complimented Isaac on his similar lip shade when he and his boyfriend joined them at dinner.

When Patton finally confronted him, it had happened enough times that Logan was genuinely surprised that it was being brought up.

"Virgil saw you kiss Adrian. Outside the coffeehouse." Patton's words tumbled out as he marched into the apartment, shaky and nervous, but biting all the same.

Logan felt his stomach drop and carefully set his novel on the coffee table.

"What?"

"Yesterday morning. Virgil said he was heading to work and... and he saw you guys. Is it true?" Patton wrapped his arms around his stomach and stared at his husband expectantly, shoulders hunched forward and defensive. Logan stared back, mouth dry and mind racing.

"No, of course it's not." He went on, explained that he hadn't even been near the coffeehouse all week, despite the stain on yesterday's button-up saying otherwise. Insisted Virgil must have been mistaken. "I love you." He finished, standing and cautiously wrapping his arms around Patton. Patton didn't move at first. After a long pause, however, he returned the hug, his grip tight. "I love you too." He whispered back.

And again, that was that.

This time, Logan didn't promise himself anything. By now, he knew there was no point. He was simply glad Patton didn't question him further.

The real problem came when Virgil barged into his office one day, eyes burning.

"You bastard. You complete and utter bastard!"

Logan looked up from the papers he was grabbing, eyes widening as the younger man slammed his hands on Logan's desk. "Virgil, what are you-"

"Don't! Just don't!" Virgil snarled, slamming a fist down on the desk again. "You're a fucking piece of work, you know that?"

"No, I don't." Logan challenged evenly, adjusting his glasses. "What are you referencing?"

"Oh, drop it! Patton might listen to your bullshit, but I won't! I know I saw you and Adrian!"

Logan scowled. "Patton mentioned that. You were mistaken, however."

"Like hell I was! I know what I saw. You need to tell him the truth or else I'll-"

"You'll what?" Logan challenged, rising from his seat. "Tell Patton? As I have told you, he informed me. Unfortunately for you, he has the good sense to listen to his husband rather than his overly paranoid friend. You made a mistake. I was not with Adrian."

Virgil scowled. "You don't deserve him."

Logan straightened his tie and lifted his chin slightly. His voice was ice cold. "Perhaps not. Regardless, Patton has stayed with me thus far, so I believe he may think differently. Now, if you would kindly leave my office, I'd greatly appreciate it."

Virgil stared at him for a long moment, then turned, shaking his head. He paused at the door, however, and turned back slightly.

"You should probably change before you go home. There's lipstick on your collar." He said calmly, and then he was gone.

Things didn't improve from there. Logan found himself going home less and less, often returning when Patton was already in bed. They didn't speak much. When they did, it felt forced and tense and impersonal. In short, their marriage was falling apart.

Patton tried discussing it. Whenever Logan did come home at a decent hour, Patton would attempt to talk things through, but Logan just couldn't have that conversation. Because as soon as they began, as soon as Patton mentioned Logan's recent behavior, he would panic That would only lead to one thing. They both knew that. Still, the moment one of them said it aloud, they were finished.

Logan wasn't ready for that.

So he stayed away. And Patton accepted that.

Until he didn't.

Logan was creeping back into the apartment when the kitchen light flicked on. He froze. "Patton. You're up."

"You weren't answering your phone."

"I turned it off while I was grading. My apologies."

Patton was seated on one of the stools at the island, clad in fluffy pajama pants and a black hoodie- Logan recognized it as one of Virgil's. As Patton spoke, he pulled the jacket closer. "Where were you?"

"As I said, I was grading papers in my office."

"Logan..." Patton sighed and pulled his glasses off. He rubbed at the lens, eyes trained on them as he continued, his voice soft. "We both know that's not true."

"Where else would I have been?" Logan asked, the challenge clear in his voice.

"You slept with Adrian."

"What!? Patton-"

"And Isaac. And Jonathon. And-"

"Patton!"

Patton stopped and looked up, sliding his glasses back onto his face as he did. Heavy bags sat under his eyes.

"I am not cheating on you!" Logan's voice rose an octave as he spoke, hands going to adjust his tie. They were trembling.

"Please don't lie to me." Patton sounded exhausted.

"I'm not!" Logan snapped. "The fact that you would accuse me of something so utterly ridiculous and baseless is insulting!"

"It's not baseless." Patton's voice was still so soft, but there was a new force behind it.

"Isn't it?" Logan challenged. "What makes you think I would ever cheat on you?"

"The clothes. The lipstick. The strangers." Patton listed, hands tightening into fists on top of the counter. "The lies."

"I have not-"

"You've been distant. You're never around. When I try to talk to you, it's like talking to wall. I know you're hiding something from me. This is the only thing that makes sense."

"That makes sense to you?" Logan scoffed. His mind moved rapidly, searching for a way to fix this. "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"How do I know you're not cheating on me?"

"Why would you think that?" Patton's voice rose, though it wasn't angry. It was tired.

"You're wearing Virgil's hoodie."

"So?"

"So you've been hanging out with him a lot lately! For all I know, you two have been screwing since we started dating!"

Patton stared at Logan, his eyes watery and fierce. "Virgil and I are not having sex." His voice was barely a whisper now, but it was loaded with emotion. "I have never cheated on you. But we both know what you've done. And we can't ignore it anymore, Logan we just can't. Look what it's doing to us."

Logan scowled and shook his head, grabbing his bag again as he moved. "I cannot do this tonight. You're being ridiculous. Call me tomorrow when you've found your sense." He spat, matching towards the door.

Patton didn't try to stop him.

Eventually, they reconciled.

Sort of.

The topic didn't come up again. Logan wasn't sure if Patton believed his lies or if he simply wanted his marriage back. Either way, they didn't talk about the incident.

The air between them, however, had grown cold. Patton stopped trying to talk to him. He didn't question when Logan came home late. When he found foreign clothes in the house, he didn't even bother washing them anymore. They were tossed carelessly on top of Logan's work bag.

Logan ensured they were gone within the day.

When they were together, their conversation was limited. They talked about work if they talked at all. Neither brought up anyone outside their relationship.

Both knew their marriage was in ruins, but neither was willing to be the one to end it.

A part of Logan knew that's why he became so careless. And that part also knew that's why they were caught. He was, admittedly, relieved when it happened.

When the door to the bedroom opened, Logan pulled away from his partner- a local actor named Roman- and looked towards it. "Patton."

The other man stood there, clearly not surprised. Still, something in him looked broken.

"Fuck. Who-?" Roman scrambled away from Logan, eyes wide.

"I'm his husband." Patton responded, eyes still glued to Logan. There was no malice, no anger in his words. It was a fact, nothing else. Roman swore again and rushed to dress. Logan simply sat, staring back at Patton.

"I'm so sorry, I had no idea. He didn't say- fuck, I'm sorry." Roman rambled, barely dressed as he stumbled out of the bedroom.

"It's okay, it's not your fault." Patton, sweet, kind Patton, assured him, eyes breaking away from Logan to look at the actor. Logan knew Patton pitied the young man.

"No, but- fuck. I'm sorry, man." And Roman left, the apartment door slamming shut as he vanished.

The room was silent for a moment, though it felt like a lifetime.

"Patton-"

"I want a divorce."

"What?" Logan frowned, finally moving. Patton spun on his heel and marched out of the room. "Patton! Wait!" Logan yanked on a pair of sweats and rushed after him. "Don't be ridiculous, we don't-"

"Don't you dare call me ridiculous!" Patton snarled, whipping around to face Logan. "You have no right to say that!"

"No right? My husband is trying to get a divorce over a misunderstanding!"

"A misunderstanding? You were both naked!"

"We weren't-"

"Don't lie to me!" Patton shouted, marching back towards Logan. He jabbed his finger in Logan's chest, somehow seeming twelve feet tall, despite being the shorter of the pair. "Don't you dare tell me I'm wrong, Logan Sanders! You've been cheating on me for months!"

"I haven't-"

"I'm not an idiot!" Patton spun again, this time storming into the living room. Logan followed, at a loss for what to say. It seemed Patton was done listening.

Deep down, he couldn't blame him.

"I let it go before, but this- no. We're done!"

"Please don't say that." Though he said it, he felt no real urge to convince Patton to stay. This was a long time coming. He was shocked they'd lasted so long.

"Stop it!" Patton was trembling by then. "I'm done! I can't keep ignoring everything. I just- I can't." The anger was gone in a flash and replaced then by a deep exhaustion. "I can't do it anymore, Logan."

"Pat, please. Think about this." He was going through the motions, saying what he was supposed to say. Like an actor, reciting lines he didn't, couldn't, really believe in.

"I have thought about it." Patton responded simply. "I want a divorce. I'll call a lawyer tomorrow."

"Patton-"

"I'm gonna stay with Virgil till we figure this out." He headed for the door, brushing past Logan.

"Pat!"

He paused, hand on the knob. "I wanted this to work, Lo. I really did."

"Patton, no! Please!" Something like panic welled up, sudden and sharp atop the previous numbness. It was real in that moment. Patton, who was everything good, everything that Logan was not, was walking away.

"Goodbye, Logan."

Logan watched helplessly as Patton stepped out of the apartment, out of his life, for the last time. Pain- real, physical pain- rose in him, wrapping tightly around his chest and squeezing till he thought he'd suffocate. Somehow, he ended up on the ground, curled in on himself as he tried to process what had just occurred.

The best thing in his life had just walked out the door. Because of him. And there was nothing he could do about it. Nothing, because he knew he had never really deserved Patton in the first place.

If Logan believed in such a thing, he might have thought the universe was simply correcting itself.

#sanders sides #ts fanfiction #logan sanders #patton sanders #logicality #virgil sanders #platonic moxiety #roman sanders

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