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faejilly · 11 months

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so I wanted to riff off of @alexanderlightweight's response to the Alec/Bow/Quiver/summoning meta post by @ralfstrashcan that I reblogged recently, but also I didn't want it to get lost in an increasingly long reblog chain, so I'm gonna quote and start over here:

100%

my headcanon is that it's alec's shadowhunter ability like clary's rune ability and apparently the herondale ghost talking ability(??)

if we really want to take it a step further. we can even talk about how izzy has specially made weapons that have to be super tricky to use which means weapons ability

but that's just my brain. which made that one scene where alec goes back to the institute make no sense, to retrieve his bow because literally every other time he doesn't need to (they just wanted to give clace the training moment and set up the whole hodge thing)

1: I also think Alec's 'have to go get a bow' is just an excuse, but he's using it to a) get away from Jace behaving incomprehensibly & Clary being So Very Clary, AND b) to cover their tracks now that he's realized just HOW comprehensively his siblings are going to go off the rails in the next day or so. (And on a narrative level I really like the scene with Hodge so I'm glad it exists. 😅)

2: I headcanon that part of the reason Alec (& to a lesser extent but still noticeably so, Izzy) can get away with pushing so many Clave/Nephilim boundaries without actually getting deruned despite their parents being on Thin Fucking Ice™️ with well, everyone, is that they have inherited both Family Traits and that's valuable enough (especially after all the losses during and after the Uprising) that the Clave really really doesn't want to get rid of them.

(Similarly, there's some hope that Jace and/or his expected children might show signs of the Wayland traits coming to life again as they've died out otherwise. Obviously that goes a bit sideways once they finally pick up on How Very Herondale he is, but luckily he's Herondale so that's still a benefit.)

Truebloods: very literally truth-tellers. Variations on their skills include the ability to recognize lies, off the charts charisma when they are invoking what they believe to be the truth, and an ability to make the most awkward truths palatable to audiences that normally wouldn't want to engage with them. They were traditionally the guardians of the Soul Sword whenever it left the City of Bones, but that honor faded away over the years as the Council with the Consul/Inquisitor as heads centralized power in their own hands.

Izzy can be seen doing this during her trial, because even when her personal behavior has included digs & microaggressions against Downworlders, she believes that they as a people can and should do better and her speech clearly works in-universe because of that resonance of truth.

(She even occasionally manages the sincere/heart-felt clunky dialogue that works despite being clunky that Alec's so good at, and poor Jace doesn't, despite his best attempts, because for all he's a Lightwood in every other way that matters, he's not actually part Trueblood.)

Maryse has several hints of Alec's same blunt (inexplicably successful) sincerity once she lets herself stop hiding behind Politics & Expectations. When she's upset with Izzy about spending time with the Seelie in s1, she has a line that always felt very self-recriminating to me; (I'm paraphrasing here since I'm too lazy to pull up the script or episode): 'never trust a people who can't lie, they'll find more imaginative ways to stab you in the back'. She knows this about the Seelie because it's what she's always done.

(Alec's shock at his parents being in the Circle can't be because it's against their politics as they've never really tried to behave better. Perhaps it's because it never occurred to him that they could lie that well. Especially his mother, since he has a much better relationship with her than Robert.)

This means that Maryse buying into Valentine's rhetoric was invaluable to him, because she could back him up and help make sure people would fall for it, because she was a Trueblood. Equally, when she turns, that is part of why the Clave lets them back in. Her vow to now toe the party line is completely believable, because she promised on her children... who are also Truebloods.

This also means that their bloodline is one that would not always be popular since they can call out power when it's behaving badly; thus the apparent decline of Trueblood standing in the way that the show refuses to ever really acknowledge it in the present day timeline, and instead talks about Lightwood honor.

(But countered in the way The Clave doesn't move directly against Alec Lightwood, HotI, despite gay and living with a Downworlder, despite how much clear disdain he has for so many of them and their policies. They aren't willing to risk what a Trueblood could do if pushed into active rebellion.)

Lightwoods have a much more palatable martial gift. Their affinity for the adamas in their weapons means they can bond with them, sometimes strongly enough to summon them, manipulate them in the field, adapt them and rune them and enhance them in ways most Shadowhunters can't. (We never see anyone doing anything resembling Alec runing his arrows in s1 after all. What if most of them can't?)

As shown by Izzy in s3 as Weapon's Master, in Alec's ability to beat his parabatai (the supposed best fighter of a generation) when they're sparring with weapons even if he loses once they get to hand-to-hand, Izzy's unique skill with a whip, Alec fighting with everything he gets his hands on, from seraph blades to his signature bow to actual arrows for stabbing. (As seen in everything in ralf's original meta post and delightful fic.)

There's even something in the fact that Izzy was interested in joining the Iron Sisters (which while prestigious also involves even more sacrifice from a people who have to sacrifice a lot already and are thus vital enough that they let Cleophas join despite her past because they needed her) and yet Izzy stayed active duty -- and presumably eventually marriageable.

(I frequently wonder if part of why she chose to make herself as unpalatable as possible for a traditional/political match was a lingering bit of awareness that that was what The Clave most wanted from her, regardless of who she wanted to be.)

ALSO! There has to be a reason that Robert Lightwood was valuable enough to keep even when they got rid of Maryse, a reason the show reiterates Lightwood honor over and over again, a reason he & Maryse got to be co-Heads of an Institute (even if the general fanon that they were more constrained than most Proper Heads does fit what little we see), and we never actually see Robert fighting or sparring, but we are repeatedly told that his children are the best of the best.

But it's seldom mentioned as a compliment, is it? More like an expectation. They're Lightwoods, they have to be the best with their weapons, or what is the point of them? It's just another weight added to Alec's so-called crown, another expectation Izzy has to both flaunt and fight against every day so she can have at least a little bit of herself left to hold onto.

(The one thing Jace is good at, the one bit of the monster his father built that helps; he's as good with a blade as a Lightwood. It's the only thing that gives him hope for redemption, the only thing that gives him enough conviction to ask Alec to be his parabatai and protect his soul from himself.)

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foxymoxynoona · 5 months

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I won’t lie foxy. I’ve expressed before how much i LOVEEEE your stories. The JK ones are always rereads bc they aren’t just some teenage netflix boo-boo story (not putting them down. some of these stories are great even if they are cheesy and immature sometimes) but the depth, and etc yours have give me so much serotonin ….

ANYWAYSSSS I have to admit, I love that you fulfill my guilty pleasure of adding pregnancy in a good amount of your stories, some being the main plot of it (sugar fairy and meadow(even tho that one stressed me out and bc of that i haven’t been able to reread it yet😝).

I think pregnancy is such a real thing. I’m also at the age and part of my life that talking about pregnancy and having kids although scary. it’s not completely off putting, since i’m not an immature unstable teenager anymore😭 lololol. and it’s a super important factor in all relationships, so for you to bring it into the storyline (especially when we’re talking about REAL mature adults over the age of like 22) and they all have different plot lines which i think it’s also a huge misconception in the fanfic world. so many put down on “found family” or “accidental pregnancy” and i’m unfortunately a who’re for them and not many write about that AU.

So when i see yours, ones i haven’t read yet. part of me lowkey be sitting there like “oh shit she gon get knocked up and then we will see character growth and the relationship build” NO. YOY DONT MAKE THE PREGNANCY THE ARC OF THE STORY AND YES THAT IS SO HEALTHY AND BEAUTIFUL BIT IM TOXICCFFF

like i lowkey was wanting an accidental pregnancy in Amended. I know that would of definitely thrown off the entire arc of the story and character development (for isabella specifically). I like to think that would of been so fun and cute to see. like i know she would of been miserable and gotten in her head bc “history repeats itself” but it would of been cool to see her “repeat history” but change it. JK wasn’t like the last two BDs and etc. Although Izzy got on my nerves 90% of the story, i can’t judge her for trauma she couldn’t control and her forced responses to it and who knows, maybe adding the accidental pregnancy would of probably been so bad there would of been no happy ending but like i said. I’m a whore for an accidental or ex-lovers (parents aus).

I also think bc you write pregnancy/growing families stories so well that I would love to see a good toxic “got knocked up first then fell in love” story from you… maybe a college au make it spicy.

.. I will not ask you to write my deepest guilty pleasure but i def know you would kill it either way. I hate that i’m so anti older woman bc i wanna read the Over the Falls but as a girl who is barely 24 and still thinks she’s 19. the idea of being way older than Jungkook makes me want to throw up

Have a good day and don’t mind me, I might go reread Meadows now bc i lowkey miss the smut and bronny is so sexy once she leaves Korea (spoiler)

This was a wild read from start to finish! I find it a little strange you came to a writer who is older than Jungkook to insult women who are older than Jungkook --we don't condone any age-related hate around here, but especially not about women in their 30s living and loving! -- but you also insult teenagers so I take it you only like poeple you're own age? 😅 I definitely encourage you to broaden your mindset here though. You will continue to age, and you will also be older than people around you, and you too will understand in the not so distant future that 30s is not old at all, and that you still deserve all the happiness and romance and to be the protagonist of stories 🥰

Other than that though, I'm very glad you've enjoyed my stories! I just wrote what I wanted to read and didn't expect it would resonate with others and have been delighted to find there are those who it does! There are SO many aspects of life, and pregnancy and motherhood are not the journey for all women, but it's a space I've also found oddly lacking in honesty and variety in many of the stories I've read so it's been fun to connect with others or even just present new ideas around what those aspects of life can look like.

And look I'm all for messiness in stories 😈 I think people make mistakes and behave badly and can be their worst selves in certain situations and it's good to represent that honestly! And sometimes I just want a guilty pleasure messy story without apology😎You're totally right, Amended would have been a very different story. Personally, I do not think it would have gone well, but maybe they would have figured things out eventually and still ended up somewhere happy! You bet your buns I've written accidental pregnancy stories (other than Meadow)... one I may share some day, the other ones I"m not so sure, they were a little too guilty-pleasure to post I think 😂

#asks #amended

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ladyvader23 · 4 months

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20 questions for fic writers

I was tagged by the lovely @fanfictasia and @the-real-azalea-scroggs and this seems fun, so here we go!

1. How many works do you have on A03?

24, though I have some on ff.net that aren't posted on AO3 from the very early days

2. What's your total A03 word count?

850,878 words

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Mainly Star Wars, though I've dabbled in FFXIV recently.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Missing and Presumed Dead

Darth Vader Goes to Therapy

Just One Wish

Darth Vader Goes to School

Unexpected Truths (just like the title, I did not expect this one to be in the top 5 and I have questions)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I used to. I read and love every single comment I get, please don't get me wrong, comments absolutely FUEL me, but responding?? I have so much anxiety, it used to take me HOURS to respond to them all. Eventually it got to be so much on my emotional health that I decided it would be better to channel that into writing more for people to enjoy, so...that's what I do now. Again, comments fuel me, and I love you all, and I read every single comment and even have a lil' scrapbook of comments that I go back to whenever I'm feeling down about my writing, so I hope this doesn't give off the wrong impression...

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Easily Fracture. If you've read it, there's no explanation needed here. If you haven't...let's just say someone gets turned into a rug, among many other horrible things...

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Uh...most of my fics have a happy ending of some sort. Some you just have to wade through more angst and whump to get to the happy ending than others. I think Missing and Presumed Dead had an ending I thought was perfect for it, as did Darth Vader Goes to Therapy. Both were happy endings AND endings that I thought were perfect for the story that was told.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I write for Star Wars. Yeah, I've gotten hate XD. Thankfully, it's rare. Usually people get upset with my interpretations because "iTs NoT cAnOn!" I really just don't care, so I just laugh and move on. Like if you wanted canon, why are you reading fanfic?? Probably the craziest though was when someone went on one of the biggest Tumblr blogs in the SW fandom and used my Darth Vader Goes to Therapy fic to support their argument that the Jedi were evil or whatever (idk, I wasn't part of the argument) and beyond the fact that it's wild to go into a fandom canon-based argument with super out of context quotes from a fanfiction to support your argument, but to do it with a fic that I 100% wrote as a COMEDY is just. Wow. I was suddenly flooded with so much hate from a bunch of people who had never read my fic, thought it was a seriously written piece of literature, and assumed I agreed with everything the person said and I didn't even know until I went to the post and had to defend myself...every once in a while someone will not see that defense and will message me more hate. Like it's a crack fic. Granted, I DID do research on real therapy practices because I didn't want to make a joke out of therapy, but everything else was 100% a joke. I'm really glad people love it (so do I!) and resonate with it, but it's not canon. I don't think the person intended for me to get so much hate, so I definitely don't blame them, but it was a lot.

9. Do you write smut?

Um. Ahem. I may or may not have a private stash from like. Deleted scenes in fics that had romance in them back when I wrote those. That I will. Definitely. Never publish. Don't worry about it. >>

10. Do you write crossovers?

Yes! Though I've only done a few. I think the only one on AO3 was the crossover with The Last of Us, done before the TV adaption.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Sort of. There was that scare a few years ago when everyone thought a random website had stolen everyone's fics, but it turned out it wasn't that exactly. AO3 isn't available everywhere, so there are sites that are just set up to mirror whatever is on AO3 so that people can read fics on that site, and it happened to be one of those sites. Oh boy, though, did they get a lot of hate mail before it got clarified. Then there was that time I had someone write a fanfic that they said they wrote with a similar concept to my ff.net story Second Chances, but then one of their friends was like "this is a rip off" so they asked me to read it before they posted it to make sure they hadn't ripped it off. Except...it was almost 90% word for word....so uh. I didn't give my blessing and I don't think it ever got posted lol.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! I've had fics translated into Russian, Chinese, Korean and French. My most common requests for translation are Russian and Chinese. I've never actively tried to get something translated, it's just whoever asks me for permission.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes! (I'm keeping Aza's answer for this part since it's true) There's the memorable Great April Flood, which was basically a dozen of Star Wars writers gathering together to do a massive round robin with tumblr asks prompt fills (those three sentence fics, if anyone remembers) in order to flood our side of tumblr on April Fools in 2020.

I also did an Inuyasha fanfic with my cousin when I was a teenager, and I didn't technically co-write it, but I did heavily work with a specific character for my Fushigi Yugi Genbu Kaiden series with my best friend in high school as well.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

I mean, I'm pretty open to whatever. I think I've written Luke with like....5 or 6 different people depending on the story?? But if I had to choose, I guess I'm pretty consistently Percybeth, so I guess them???

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

The Assassins Blade. Like it was a great story....but omg. I got so much harassment about the most random things, sometimes on every. single. chapter. it just wore me down and I just don't write romance-centric fics anymore, which is sad because I DO like writing romance.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Finding the comedy in even the darkest moment. Taking a horrific situation and really just letting the characters feel the emotions of the moment, letting them bask in the consequences of either their actions or the actions of others.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Well, anyone who has ever edited my stuff will probably say "too many redundant sentences" and you know what? They're right. Fluff-centric scenes are difficult, as well. I also will disappear for months on end when I'm just. In a weird funk. Which I still kind of am in at the moment, but I'm actively trying to break through it.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I don't really have an opinion on this one.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

First one I wrote for: Final Fantasy X, but my mom wouldn't let me publish because it was the days of the internet when all parents thought their child was going to be kidnapped if they did anything other than look at the internet. It was bad though, so I'm not sad I didn't publish.

First one I published: Inuyasha. I published behind my mom's back, and got in trouble when she found out, but then she looked at everyone's comments and figured out that I was not, in fact, overly in danger of being kidnapped, so she let it go.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

Darth Vader Goes to Therapy. I will never be that funny ever again. I achieved my peak comedy with that fic. But a very close second is Missing and Presumed Dead, and sometimes, depending on the day, that one is my favorite and DVGTT is a close second.

This was fun! Tagging @sunshinechildskywalker @25centsoda and @zoryany but definitely don't feel like you have to!

#fanfic #writing game #ask me #my writing

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spookykoolkat · 6 months

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Thank you to everyone who got me to 10000 likes!

OMGGGGGG THIS IS BATSHIT INSANE!!! You guys. all 630 of you guys i love u sm. thank u so much for ur support and your words and feedback and advice i love it all so so so so much it means so much to me.

not only that but writers i adore and admire and LOVE have followed me, people i've looked up to with their work and how well they write, FOLLOWED MEEEE BACK like i can't help but fangirl. i can't believe how much support i've gotten over these few months 😭

i really didn't know what it'd be like writing on tumblr as i was so used to wattpad for so long, and didn't even know if anyone would read my stories and LIKE them at the same time. it's so insane to me!! i did not expect this account to grow the way it did, but holy shit i have like three fics with over 1000 notes, i have so many followers and so many people who support my work!! it means so much to me.

i'm so glad everyone welcomed me with open arms given i am new and still fairly new to writing for eddie or anyone else i write for 🖤❤️ ESPECIALLY since my work is solely for WOC and plus sized women/fem presenting people! i didn't think people would be so open to reading stories dedicated to fat women, and for fat women, and i didn't think so many people would resonate with my work! i started off wanting to write things that i wanted to read and never saw, so i started! and apparently so many people love it, and love the fact that i write for only the plus sized community. thank u so much for the support and i hope my work is everything anyone could've hoped to read LOL i do plan on coming out with more!!

i hope i make all my fellow big girls proud with my work and i hope you feel seen!!!!!!

STAY TUNEDDD!! i'm not done not even close lol it just might take me a while to publish stuff on here 🖤 be patient with me pls :p

also my requests are always open! if there's something i haven't written yet, and you want to read it i'll gladly give it a shot at writing!

#10000 likes #tumblr milestone #thank you

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paraemu · 3 years

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From HERO VISION Vol. 64

Poppy Pipopapo has restored Dan Kuroto/Kamen Rider Gemn as a bugster. A new relationship has been formed with Hojo Emu/Kamen Rider Ex-Aid and the others, but how will their power relationship change later? Iijima Hiroki and Iwanaga Tetsuya look back on the past and predict the future! They share their thoughts and feelings.

檀黎斗が復活したね！

Iijima: Dan Kuroto is back!

"新•檀黎斗" だけどね (笑)。

Iwanaga: It's Shin Dan Kuroto (laughs).

一緒にお芝居をするなかで、今後も徹ちゃんの意外性を見られると思うと、楽しみでならないよ。

Iijima: I can't wait to see the unexpected side of Tetsu-chan as we continue to work together.

復活してからの黎斗は未知数だけどね。でも僕そんなに意外性を見せてる？

Iwanaga: Kuroto has been an unknown quantity since his resurrection, though. But am I being that surprising?

最初はデキる社長らしく振る舞っていたのに、途中からゲームに取り悪かれたようになったでしょ知り合いの子どもが18話以降、仮面ライダーゲンムと黎斗を怖がって、テレビから逃げるらしくて (笑)。僕も黎斗の変わりようには大きな衝撃を受けたけどね。あそこまでの意外性を引き出せた徹ちゃんは本当にすごい。

Iijima: At first he acted like a smart president, but halfway through he became obsessed with the game, and the children of my acquaintance became afraid of Kamen Rider Genm and Kuroto after episode 18 and ran away from the TV (laughs). I was also shocked by the way Kuroto changed. Tetsu-chan is truly amazing for being able to bring out that much unexpectedness.

ふふふ (微笑)。

Iwanaga: Fufufu (smiles).

いい意味で吹っ切れていたよね。23話の最期のシーンなんて、黎斗の人間性が如実に表れていて鳥肌ものだった。たくさんの刺激をもらったよ!

Iijima: The final scene in episode 23 gave me goosebumps because it really showed Kuroto's humanity. It gave me a lot of inspiration!

そう言ってもらえるとうれしいな。僕も寛騎から刺激をもらっているよ。黎斗が飛彩や大我ではなく研修医の永夢に惹かれたのは、永夢がゲームの天才だからだけど、寛騎が医師であり天才ゲーマーという二面性をしっかり見せていなければ、僕の芝居も成り立たなかった。

Iwanaga: I'm glad to hear you say that. I'm also inspired by Hiroki. The reason why Kuroto was attracted to Emu, an intern, and not Hiiro or Taiga is because Emu is a genius at games, but my performance wouldn't have been possible if Hiroki hadn't shown his duality as a doctor and a genius gamer.

僕は "永夢" になれているかな?

Iijima: Do you think I'm becoming Emu?

うん。主役の寛騎が振り幅を広げてくれているおかげで、僕たちも違和感なく演じられる。それに、アフレコでもたくさん影響を受けているよ。なかでもダブルアクションゲーマーたちのかけ合いは神がかっていると思う (笑)。

Iwanaga: Yes. Thanks to Hiroki, who plays the main role, expanding his range, we can play the role without feeling uncomfortable. Also, I've been influenced a lot by the recording. I think the dialogue between the double action gamers is particularly divine (laughs).

ふたつの個性が瞬時に切り替わるからかな？映像ではそう見えるだけで、実際は片方ずつ録ってるんだけど。

Iijima: Is it because the two personalities switch instantly? It just looks like that in the video, but in reality, I recorded one side at a time.

展開が早くて、どっちが出てきたのかわからなくなりそうなのに、寛騎はマイティブラザーズX Xガシャットで分裂したふたりのかけ合いを完盤にこなしている。台本にはないセリフをプラスしてね。

Iwanaga: Even though the story unfolds so quickly that it's almost impossible to tell which one came out, Hiroki manages to complete the dialogue between the two split up by the Mighty Brothers XX Gashat. He even added a few lines that weren't in the script.

スーツアクターさんの��きに合わせてセリフを入れてみてる。こうしたらおもしろいかな、とか考えながら。

Iijima: I'm trying to put in lines that match the movements of the suit actors. I'm thinking about how to make it more interesting.

寛騎はそれを、メモを取らずにぶっつけ本番でやってるわけでしょ?

Iwanaga: And Hiroki is doing it on the spot without taking notes, right?

ペンを忘れるから、メモを取れなくて (苦笑)。

Iijima: I forgot my pen, so I couldn't take notes (chuckles).

よくそんなに覚えられるなって、毎度感心しトいるよ。とっさに思いついたことをやって、何分か後に全部回収していくなんてすごすぎる！あれは寛騎にしかできないワザ。見ていて本当に楽しい。

Iwanaga: I'm always amazed at how you can remember so much. It's amazing how he can do something on the spur of the moment, and then collect it all a few minutes later! That's something that only Hiroki can do. It's really fun to watch.

それは僕も同じ。徹ちゃんが創り上げた仮面ライダーゲンムはレベル1の頃から独特だったけど、ゾンビゲーマーになってからはもう、キレッキレで!!

Iijima: It's the same for me. The Kamen Rider Genm that Tetsu-chan created was unique from the time he was a level 1 character, but after he became a zombie gamer, he was just so sharp!

(笑)

Iwanaga: (laughs).

アフレコのときはみんな身体を動かしながらやってるけど、徹ちゃんはゾンビになりきって演じているでしょ。「この人、やっぱりすごい！」と思う。変身の仕方も強烈で、20話から23話くらいまでは、醸し出している空気が完全にゾンビだった。

Iijima: During post recording, everyone is moving their bodies, but Tetsu-chan is acting as a zombie. I thought, "This guy is amazing!" The way he transformed was also very intense, and from episode 20 to 23, the atmosphere he created was completely zombie-like.

変身といえば、エグゼイドの変身もすごくない？わりと大きなモーションなのに、ガシャットが毎回ちゃんとゲーマドライバーに収まってる。

Iwanaga: Speaking of transformations, isn't Ex-Aid's transformation amazing? Even though the motions are rather large, the gashat fits into the gamer driver properly every time.

なんとなく感覚で振り上げて、「この辺だ！」って挿してる (笑)。

Iijima: I just kind of swing it up by feel and say, "It's around here!" (laughs).

毎回ほぼ一発でOKが出てるよね。

Iwanaga: You can get an OK with one shot almost every time.

ガシャットを2本同時に揮すときは、たまにハズしちゃう。2本入れるのはやっぱり難しくて。

Iijima: When I try to use two gashats at the same time, sometimes I miss, because it's hard to put two gashats together.

それはそうだよね (笑)!

Iwanaga: That's true (laughs)!

相乗効果で盛り上がった20〜23話

Episodes 20-23 were exciting due to synergistic effects.

初めて会ったときの徹ちゃんは、完壁な紳士に見えた。それが黎斗の "ザ•若社長"という印象になって、悪っていう面はまったく見えなかったのに……人間って怖いね。18話で永夢にゲーム病の告知をしたシーンなんて、本当に恐ろしくて (笑)。

Iijima: When I first met Tetsu-chan, he seemed like a perfect gentleman. That gave me the impression that Kuroto was "the young president", and I didn't see the evil side of him at all… People are scary. The scene where he told Emu about the game disease in episode 18 was really scary (laughs).

寛騎のお気に入りって言ってたね。

Iwanaga: You said that was a favorite of yours.

演じていてすごく楽しかったから。ゲーム病だと知らされることは、患者にとっては最後通告みたいなものなのに、徹ちゃんはサラリとではなくがっつり言ったでしょ。永夢からすると「お前はもうゲームオーバー」と言われてるのと同じだから、あのとき、本当に泣きそうになっていて。

Iijima: It was a lot of fun to play. Being told that you have game sickness is like an ultimatum for the patient, but you said it firmly, not smoothly. To Emu, it was like being told, "It's game over for you," and he was on the verge of tears.

そこまで響いていたなんて、うれしいね。

Iwanaga: I'm glad it resonated with you that much.

黎斗が狂い始めてからは、どこまでいっちゃうんだろうと思いながらも目が離せなかったよ。18話でバグスターを回にするという非情さを見せたり、永夢に真実を突きつけたときは、さすがにもう出し尽くしただろうって思ったんだけど、その後も僕の予想をはるかに超えてきて(笑)。

Iijima: When Kuroto started going crazy, I couldn't take my eyes off of him, wondering how far he would go. In episode 18, he showed his ruthlessness by turning the bugster around, and when he confronted Emu with the truth, I thought he had already exhausted himself, but he continued to exceed my expectations (laughs).

ふふふ (微笑)。

Iwanaga: Fufufu (smiles).

23話では服を破るし。

Iijima: In episode 23, he ripped off his clothes.

1月末に海辺で4時間近く裸で過ごしたんだよ。あれはキツかった！風は強いし寒いし、でも島肌は立てられないしで、テンションを保つのに一苦労。

Iwanaga: I spent almost four hours naked at the beach at the end of January. That was hard! It was windy and cold, but I couldn't stand the goosebumps, and it was hard to keep the tension up.

セクシーだったよ (笑)。

Iijima: It was sexy (laughs).

台本には書かれていなくて直前に脱ぐって聞かされたから、胸筋を鍛える器具を現場に持って行って、待ち時間にあわてて筋トレしたんだよ (笑)。

Iwanaga: It wasn't written in the script, but I was told right before that I was going to take off my clothes, so I brought some equipment to the scene to train my pecs and rushed to do some muscle training while waiting (laughs).

筋肉ってすぐにつくもの？

Iijima: Do muscles build quickly?

いや完全に悪あがき (笑)。しかも、僕がやっているとみんなが興味を持って器具を持っていっちゃうもんだから、ほとんどトレーニングできなくて。

Iwanaga: No, it was completely a bad idea (laughs). Moreover, when I was doing it, people would get interested and take the equipment, so I could hardly train.

Iijima: (laughs)

21話から23話の撮影は、毎回叫んでいたり、寒い思いをしたりで大変だったけど、みんなの相乗効果で盛り上がれたよね。以前はなかったことだから、「僕たち進化してる!」って実感したよ。

Iwanaga: The filming of episodes 21 to 23 was tough because we were screaming and cold every time, but the synergy between everyone made it exciting. This was something that had never happened before, so I felt like, "We're evolving!"

現場の雰囲気が変わってきたのは、黎斗が17話でバガモンを消して、永夢にゲーム病の告京をしたあたりからだと思う。絡みのシーンが増えたこともあるけど、僕自身も徹ちゃんの振り切った芝居に触発されて、変わっていった気がする。

Iijima: I think the atmosphere on set started to change when Kuroto erased Burgmon in episode 17 and told Emu about his game sickness. We had more scenes involving each other, but I think I also changed because I was inspired by Tetsu-chan's over-the-top acting.

当初の黎斗と永夢は上っ面の会話だったけど、お互いに命を懸けてる感が出てきた頃から僕と寛騎の距離感も変わってきたよね。

Iwanaga: In the beginning, Kuroto and Emu were just talking on the surface, but when we started to feel like we were risking our lives for each other, the distance between me and Hiroki started to change.

対面する芝居がすごくやりやすくなったと思う。「黎斗は最悪の人間すぎる!」と思ったら、自然にセリフが出てきて (笑)。

Iijima: I think it made it much easier to do the face-to-face act. I thought, "Kuroto is a terrible person!" and then the lines just came out naturally (laughs).

僕のセリフもどんどん狂っていくし (笑)。

Iwanaga: My lines are getting crazier and crazier (laughs).

永夢の心は水晶だから、黎斗の言うことをいちいち真に受けて傷つくんだよ。おかげで感情の幅も広がったけど。

Iijima: Emu's heart is a crystal, so he takes every word Kuroto says seriously and gets hurt. Thanks to this, though, he has a wider range of emotions.

23話はいろいろな意味で印象に残る回だよね。

Iwanaga: Episode 23 is a memorable episode in many ways.

黎斗があそこまで振り切ってくるとは想像もしていなかったけどね。でも今になって思うと、僕は23話の徹ちゃんの芝居にものすごく影響を受けてる。仮面ライダーはみんな命を懸けたギリギリのところで戦っているわけだけど、あれ以降は画面いっぱいにいてそういった状況を表現できるようになったよ。『仮面戦隊ゴライダー』では、ギリギリの芝居ができたと思う。アフレコにしても、声が枯れてもいいから全力を出し切ろうという想いで挑むことができたし、気持ち的にも、目の前で命を絶とうとしている友達を引き止めるような、切羽詰まった状況に自分を追い込んで演じていたから。

Iijima: I never imagined that Kuroto would go that far out of his way. But now that I think about it, I was really influenced by Tetsu-chan's performance in episode 23. All the Kamen Riders are fighting on the edge of their lives, and after that, I was able to express those situations by being on the screen. In "Kamen Sentai Gorider", I think I was able to act on the edge. Even in postrecording, I was able to give it my all, even if my voice was dying, and emotionally, I put myself in a desperate situation, like holding back a friend who was about to take his own life.

気迫がすごかったね。あのとき僕は別録りだったんだけど、寛騎の声を聴くだけで録っている風景が想像できたもの。

Iwanaga: His spirit was amazing. I was recording separately at the time, but just by listening to Hiroki's voice, I could imagine the scene we were recording.

徹ちゃんのキレッキレな演技から役者魂を学んだからこそ、できた芝居だよ。

Iijima: It's a play that I was able to do because I learned the spirit of an actor from Tetsu-chan's racy acting.

そう言ってもらえるとうれしいよ。そういえば、23話で黎斗がゲームオーバーになった後、永夢は泣いてくれたよね。すごくステキなシーンだった。

Iwanaga: I'm glad you said that. By the way, after Kuroto's game over in episode 23, Emu cried for him. It was a very beautiful scene.

あそこは泣きやすかった。

Iijima: It was easy to cry there.

僕が暴れているシーンを思い出しながらやったって間いたけど。

Iwanaga: You said you did it while remembering the scene where I was rampaging.

そのシーンが本当に印象深くて！あの黎斗を思い出したら、涙も自然にあふれてきて.....。

Iijima: That scene really left a deep impression on me! When I remembered that Kuroto, tears naturally welled up in my eyes...

ありがとう、僕のお芝居で泣いてくれて。とてもうれしい。

Iwanaga: Thank you for crying at my performance. I'm very happy.

こうやって話すと、僕たち、お互いにいい影響を与え合っていると思わない？

Iijima: Don't you think we have a good influence on each other when we talk like this?

うん、間違いないね。

Iwanaga: Yeah, no doubt.

互いに補い合える関係

A mutually complementary relationship

徹ちゃんはいい意味で考え方が人とは違うと思うんだよね。

Iijima: I think Tetsu-chan's way of thinking is different from others in a good way.

そう？どのあたりが!？

Iwanaga: Yeah? What part of it!?

例えば、目の前のレコーダーを見た時、僕だったら録音する機器だと認識しておしまいなんだけど、徹ちゃんは「盗聴器が入ってるかもしれない」なんて突飛な考えを三つも四つも同時に思いつくでしょ。

Iijima: For example, when I saw the recorder in front of me, I would have thought it was a recording device and that would have been the end of it, but Tetsu-chan would have come up with three or four outlandish ideas at the same time, like, "It might have a listening device in it."

確かに、そういうところはある。

Iwanaga: Indeed, there is such a thing.

頭の使い方が違うから、一緒にいると「こういう神え方もあるんだ!」ってことに気づける。言いえれば、凝り固まらずにいられるってことだよね。

Iijima: We have different ways of using our brains, so when we're together, we can realize, "There's another way to do it!" In other words, we can be less rigid.

僕にしてみれば、寛騎が普通のことを話してくれるから、どれだけ考えが散らかったり話が噛み合わなくなっても方向修正ができて助かる。

Iwanaga: For me, Hiroki's ability to talk about normal things helps me to correct my direction no matter how scattered my thoughts become or how much I lose my way.

そうか、考えすぎちゃうと、まとめるのに苦労するのか (笑)。

Iijima: I see. If I think too much, I'll have a hard time putting it all together (laughs).

自分では一本の筋に従って散りばめて話しているつもりでも、相手には関連性がないことを話しているように聞こえるみたいで。でも寛騎みたいに突っ込んでくれる人がいれば、自由に話せる (笑)。

Iwanaga: Even though I think I'm talking in a coherent manner, it sounds like I'm talking about unrelated things to the other person. But if there's someone like Hiroki who is willing to go into it, I can talk freely (laughs).

頭がいいのも大変だね(笑)。

Iijima: It's hard to be smart (laughs).

Iwanaga: (laughs)

実は、そんな徹ちゃんに聞いてみたいことがあって。「君は水晶のようだね」っていうセリフに、黎斗のどんな気持ちを込めているのかなって。

Iijima: Actually, there was something I wanted to ask you. I wondered what kind of feelings Kuroto was expressing in the line, "You're like a crystal."

そうだな... たぶん黎斗は、純粋で素直な永夢のことを'シンテレラのお姉さん'みたいな気持ちで見ているんだよ。

Iwanaga: Yeah, well... Maybe Kuroto sees the pure and honest Emu as a kind of 'Cinderella oneesan'.

どういうこと!?

Iijima: What do you mean!?

彼女たちがシンデレラを憎いと思うのは、シンデレラが素直でかわいいから。

Iwanaga: Some girls hate Cinderella because she is straightforward and cute.

...なるほど!

Iijima: ...I see!

黎斗も本当は純粋であリにいと思っていたんじゃないかな。揺るぎないオ能があれば、彼も水晶のままでいらわたはず。でもさらなるオ能を持つ永夢が現れて、そのすごさを目の当たリにした披は、泯乱してしまった。しかも、そんな自分を汚れていると故盤してしまって。黎斗はきつと、そんな自分が嫌でたまらなかったんだよ。

Iwanaga: I think Kuroto really wanted to be pure, too. With his unshakable talent, he could have stayed crystal. But when Emu, who had even more talent, showed up and he saw how amazing he was, he became confused. In addition, he thought he was dirty. I'm sure Kuroto hated himself for that.

うわ... たとえがうますぎる!!

Iijima: Ugh... Too good to be true!

自分か欲しかったもの、お金じゃ手に入らないものを永夢はすべて持っている。黎斗にはそれが悔しくてたまらない。「君は水晶のようだね」っていうセリフには、黎斗のそんな想いが込められている。

Iwanaga: Emu has all the things that he wanted, things that money can't get. Kuroto can't help but feel frustrated by this. The line, "You're like a crystal," reflects Kuroto's feelings.

そう考えると、央决いセリフだね。

Iijima: When you think about it, that's a great line.

ちよつと古めかしいけどね(笑)。

Iwanaga: It's a bit old-fashioned, though. (laughs)

それも個性的でいいと思う。役活後の黎斗と永夢は、形勢が若干変わっているようだけど...。

Iijima: I think it's also unique. After the resurrection, Kuroto and Emu seem to be in a slightly different situation…

永夢が微妙に上から目線だよね。

Iwanaga: Emu is subtly uptight, isn't he?

そう、そう(笑)。ふたりの関係性は、今後どんな風に変わっていくと思う？

Iijima: Yes, yes (laughs). How do you think the relationship between the two will change in the future?

新・檀黎斗はバグスターとして復活して、当面は「仕方ないから」くらいのノリで永夢たちに協力するけど、その後は現段階では想像がつかないね。

Iwanaga: The new Dan Kuroto will be resurrected as a bugster, and for the time being, he'll cooperate with Emu and the others in an "I don't have a choice" kind of way, but after that, it's hard to imagine at this point.

永夢としては、罪を償ってもらいたい一方で、人を楽しませるエンターテインメント性は忘れてほしくない。正気に戻って、危険のない楽しいゲームを提供してもらうことが永夢の願望だと思うな。

Iijima: As Emu, while I want him to atone for his crimes, I don't want him to forget the value of entertaining people. I think it's Emu's desire to have him come to his senses and provide us with a fun, danger-free game.

永夢に「罪を償ってください」って言われても、黎斗自身は悪いことをしたとは思っていないからね。すぐには噛み合わないんじゃないかな。もっとも、楽しいゲームをつくりたい気持ちは今もあるはずだから、利害が一致すれば、エグゼイドたちに協力する道もあると思う。

Iwanaga: Even if Emu asks him to atone for his sins, Kuroto himself doesn't think he did anything wrong. I don't think they'll mesh right away. However, I'm sure he still wants to make a fun game, so if their interests coincide, there is a way for him to cooperate with Ex-Aid.

黎斗と天才ゲーマーの（西馬）ニコちゃんが手を組む可能性はないかな。

Iijima: I wonder if there's any chance that Kuroto and the genius gamer Nico-chan will team up.

ニコちゃんは年収1億の天才ゲーマーだもんね。それはありかも!

Iwanaga: Nico is a genius gamer with a hundred million dollars in annual income. Maybe that's possible!

ふたりが手を組めば、誰もクリ��できないゲームができると思う。今後の展開的にもストーリー的にも、いい結果が生まれる気がする。

Iijima: I think that if the two of us work together, we can create a game that no one else can clear. I feel that this will produce good results in terms of future development and story.

黎斗が消えるときにも言ってくれたけど、永夢は黎斗が復活した後も、才能を生かしてほしいと思ってるんだよね。

Iwanaga: As you said when Kuroto disappeared, Emu wants him to use his talent even after Kuroto is resurrected.

うん、永夢はそういうヤツだから。黎斗や誰かになんと思われようと、笑顔にしたいという気持ちは持ち続けるはずだよ。

Iijima: Yes, Emu is that kind of person. No matter what Kuroto or anyone else thinks of him, he will always have the desire to make people smile.

黎斗だって、永夢には堂々と、自分のやりたいようにやってほしいと思っているはず。なんたって永夢は、黎斗が長年嫉妬し続けた相手だからね。

Iwanaga: I'm sure that even Kuroto wants Emu to be able to do what he wants to do with impunity. After all, Kuroto has been jealous of Emu for years.

たからそうか、そういう見方もあるんだ。

Iijima: So that's one way to look at it.

黎斗を演じる僕自身も、永夢には信念を貫いてどんどん成長してほしいと思うし、そんな永夢を一寛騎がどう見せていくのか、楽しみが尽きないよ。

Iwanaga: I myself, who play Kuroto, would like to see Emu follow his beliefs and grow more and more, and I can't wait to see how Hiroki will show him.

僕は黎斗との微妙な関係から生まれる芝居からたくさんのことを学んできたので、今後もいい味を出していけたらと思ってる！欲を言えば、子どもたちを楽しませている黎斗を見てみたいな(笑)。

Iijima: I've learned a lot from my subtle relationship with Kuroto, so I hope I can continue to bring out the best in him! If I were to be greedy, I'd like to see Kuroto entertaining children (laughs).

僕も願望を言っておくと、永夢が女の子にキャーキャー言われてるところを見てみたい(笑)。飛彩みたいにツンとするんじゃなく、親切に対応する、いいモテ方の見本を示してくれそうだから。

Iwanaga: If I may make a wish, I would like to see Emu being fawned over by girls (lol). Because I think he'd set a good example of how to be popular, by being nice to them instead of being pushy like Hiiro.

それ、僕も演じてみたい(笑)!!

Iijima: I'd like to play that too!! (laughs)

#kamen rider ex aid #hojo emu #dan kuroto #kamen rider #ex aid cast interviews #kamen rider ex-aid #hiroki iijima #iwanaga tetsuya #kuroemu

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terubakudan · 3 years

Text

My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness by Nagata Kabi - Book Review and Impressions

(light reflection) Perfect :D Hoping Tumblr doesn't flag me for this xD

Ok, I'm going to start this off with 'this is probably the first and only book review I'm going to do' xD Because I rarely do read books now, and just as rarely buy them. Also, I would have preferred to buy the English version but alas they only had the Chinese version in stock ^^"

Stumbling upon this on the Internet, I was immediately compelled to buy this, as if I knew I would love it and that Nagata's story would resonate with me.

【Short Version】 I can't recommend this book enough, it doesn't matter what sexuality you are or from what culture are you. Nagata makes sure to tell an honest and 'naked' (without embellishments) portrait of her own personal experiences. How she herself is a college drop-out (having only graduated from high school), pushed herself to live/work while struggling with depression and eating disorders, not being sure of what she wants and feeling that she doesn't 'deserve' things, realizing her own sexuality in that she likes girls, and just not feeling 'good enough'...all through her cutesy and unassuming art style.

I will say again though, cutesy art style aside, the book deals with some very heavy topics. Nagata is very honest and doesn't shy away from the gritty details, and I admire her all the more for doing so. Many yaoi and yuri comics often portray an unrealistic and fetishistic view of the LGBTQ+ community whereas Nagata's story is much more grounded and sincere. This is not an easy read, but it's not an overly depressive one either. Nagata literally struggled for years with her mental health, but ultimately found light on the other side. Not mainly through the help of others, but through her own choice to forgive and love herself.

5/5⭐ Definitely recommend and would read again. And if I could, I'd give Nagata a big hug and a heartfelt 'thank you' for sharing her story.

【Long Version】 While it's written primarily from an Asian (particularly Japanese) perspective, Nagata's experiences are ones that should resonate with anyone who has been through the same or similar things, regardless of one's personal background. And I myself, while being fortunate enough to not have gone through eating disorders or self harm, am no exception.

I grew up in an Asian (Taiwanese/Chinese Filipino) household, while my parents weren't Tiger Parents (no offense but fuck Amy Chua for thinking that's a proper way of raising your children), they still had certain expectations on their children: to find a good husband/wife, have a good education, have a 'stable' career, etc. And while I love my parents very much, I'd be lying if I said there weren't any times where I felt they were smothering me, there weren't any times where they kept on nagging and bugging me for very trivial details. My biggest pet peeve: guilt-tripping me just for wanting to spend time alone.

"For me, my parents' opinion of me is absolute." (NOTE: While I won't be providing exact translations of the excerpts I used here, I'll do my best to summarize the gist of them.)

At the same time, I cared very much about their opinion of me. I made it a point to do well in school, to do things according to their wishes, and just like Nagata, I didn't know what I wanted. This even extended to caring about others' opinion of me, more than my own. In my freshman year of college, I 'went along' with being friends with someone, who while was nice to me, turned out to be a manipulative bitch skilled in passive-aggressiveness xD Being half-Taiwanese/half-Filipino, it was hard to fit in since people always treated me differently, it didn't occur to me I could be choosy with friends, I thought as long as they were 'nice' to me, that would do.

Asian culture is largely a collective one, where we define ourselves by our relationships with others, compared with Western culture (primarily America, I'll be using America as a reference point) where individualism is absolute, where you define yourself as you like. In Asia, it's also normal for children to still live in the same house as their parents well into adulthood, compared with Americans who are expected to move out the house once they finish high school or start college, and they're quite literally 'on their own', having to pay their own tuition, rent, etc. Where I live (Taiwan), it's normal for adults to continue relying on their parents financially well until college. Nagata for instance, while saying her parents really make her feel so pressured, is grateful that she still had a home to stay in (and she's 28!).

If you ask me though, neither a collectivist culture or an individualist culture is absolutely good nor bad. Each have their own pros and cons, and both Asian culture and Western culture could learn a thing or two from each other.

After going through quite a few job applications, one of the interviewers tells her "Ganbatte!" (You can do it!) after Nagata tells her what she really wants is to be a manga artist.

And sometimes that's all we need really, a small gesture or kind remark can do wonders. Even if there's no base or reason for it, it's something worth believing in.

I often have doubts if I'm doing what I really want, if I chose the right major for college, if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm 'good enough'. I didn't grow up with much self-esteem as a kid, and often derived my value from others. But even at my lowest times, a 'you're doing ok' was very reassuring to me, be it from family, strangers, or people I care about. Sometimes that's exactly what we need, it may be small but it could be the difference between continuing to wallow in depression or re-evaluating and choosing to be better to oneself.

I find it's really important to know, that however alone you may feel sometimes, there are other people out there going through the exact same thing. It's something universal, and while a lot of things are really unfair in life, each person has their own lot or burden to deal with. I have a Taiwanese friend who, while being more financially well-off than me, has terrible parents. And I mean parents who are quite so literally toxic, unsupportive of her, and would outright say the worst things to their own daughter.

How depression and anxiety can feel sometimes, we can literally feel like it's impossible to breathe and be in a state of disconnection from the world.

"The sounds that invaded my ears occupied my empty brain, making me unable to think at all."

If you only did what your parents asked you to do, wouldn't days like those be very painful? In the end, only you can understand what you really want.

Nagata's art style is one I would describe as simple, cute, and effective. I personally think had her story been drawn in a more serious style, it would have been even harder to read, much less finish. It's also a choice that has artistic appeal to me, serious subject matter juxtaposed with a 'kawaii' art style.

Nagata also depicts very well her mental state and thoughts throughout her struggle and journey to self-actualization. Depression is a really tough thing to deal with, and sometimes we don't even realize that we have it or if we do, refuse to acknowledge it. In Asian cultures especially, mental health has always been something of a taboo subject and there is a very heavy social stigma associated with it. Nagata herself even said that her parents seemingly refused to acknowledge that their daughter's mental health was in a state of distress. In Japan, there is a concept called gaman (我慢), which is described as 'enduring the seemingly unbearable with patience and dignity', and while it is portrayed as an ideal virtue that inspires perseverance, it can be a source of heavy pressure for others. Gaman also means that you are expected to suppress whatever emotion or negative feelings you have, often for the sake of others and no matter how tough the situation becomes for you. And while I agree that through gaman you can become more selfless for others, it shouldn't have to come at the expense of your own well-being.

I was quite fortunate to have grown up in a more liberal Asian household, but even when it came to mental health, our family also adopted the same kind of attitude towards it, by carrying on as if nothing was wrong, or just not talking about it. And to be honest, there were numerous times I wished we had been more open about what was bothering ourselves at that time. Talking and being open about your feelings is not a 'weakness' but something incredibly brave to do, and it's my wish for that to slowly become more acceptable in Asian cultures, which I know is kind of a stretch, but it doesn't hurt to hope.

Nagata makes the decision to clean herself up, by taking a bath everyday, habitually exercising, and no longer wearing worn-out clothes.

Depression especially can be a bitch. It deprives you even of your physiological needs, like your need for food. Nagata had to struggle with that on top of eating disorders for a long ten years. She ate so little and even felt that she didn't 'deserve' to eat, and at one point, anorexia became hyperphagia, and she would feel so guilty for eating almost expired/expired food. Things that would otherwise be simple to do also end up becoming difficult/impossible to do, like taking care of your personal hygiene, getting up from bed, doing simple tasks etc.

Thankfully, after Nagata realizes that she never truly 'valued herself', she starts to turn over a new leaf. Even just starting with cleaning herself up, she takes this as a form of 'valuing oneself' and her mood starts to improve, which her family also points out. In the end, taking care of yourself is not a selfish thing to do, it can even make you a better person who is there for others.

Nagata meets up with the female escort she hired, as a means to experience human sexuality, which she had always repressed her curiosity for and treated as a taboo subject. (NOTE: And I'm glad that she met a really nice girl for her first time too!)

Sex and sexuality is also a subject that I feel is hard to talk about sometimes, which I think also owes itself to most Asian cultures being relatively conservative about it. I myself have only recently identified as bisexual, which I attribute to internalized homophobia, not wanting to admit I was into girls too. And to be honest, 'coming out' is something I'm still uncomfortable about, because I don't want to risk my relationship with my family and it's still something I would choose to be selective about with colleagues and friends. I'm grateful though that as crazy the Internet can be sometimes, it can be quite accepting and tolerant towards things that we wouldn't otherwise discuss with even the closest people in our circle. Nagata's memoir ended up capturing the hearts of many readers ever since she first published it on Pixiv.

Exploring your sexuality doesn't have to be scary, it should be something exciting and liberating. Nagata decided to take matters into her own hands, and while the days leading up to the encounter made her really nervous and she even considered not going through with it at all, she willed herself to continue, because she wanted to do this for herself, it would be pointless if she gave up after coming so far in her decision to value herself.

And it's these series of actions that she decided to do that ultimately led to her life turning out for the better, it gave her the courage to do what she always wanted: to be a manga artist, which lead to the publishing of this autobiographical memoir, something she wanted to create that would 'make people want to buy this book' and from her own preference for reading stories that 'speak of secrets people wouldn't want to tell others'.

Nagata mentions what she calls 'honey': something that varies from person to person. It could be your reason for living, that thing that drives/pushes you, or even your sense of belonging. It may not be something permanent, but you can always find yourself a new one. (she mentions the last time she had her 'honey' was during her high school days, and while she has grown apart from the friends she made, she has found her new 'honey' in the form of being a full-time manga artist.)

Nagata stumbles and trips a lot on her way to being a better version of herself, but who doesn't? She admits to things not necessarily being smooth, but at least she's doing better than before. And it's that decision to at least try that counts. We don't have to be perfect, we're all human after all.

TL;DR My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness is a honest, down-to-earth, and ultimately hopeful memoir about the struggles of mental health and learning about one's sexuality. It's an amazing book, and very much worth the buy.

A big thank you if you read through all of this too. I know it's a mess and writing isn't exactly my strong point, but hopefully I've convinced some people out there to give this book a read! Please feel free to share your thoughts and I'd appreciate it very much too if you reblog/like this post.

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selfshipstuff · 2 years

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Hey, I wanted to say thank you for the aging up post. I think that was something that really needed to be said and I completely agree with your post. Thank you for making it.

for anyone interested, this is the post being referred to!

hey anon!! thank you so much for reaching out. 💛

and, of course, thank you for reading it-- i'm so glad that my post resonated with you! i mean, obviously i also felt that it needed to be said, or i wouldn't have written it-- but, to be completely honest, i'm a little shocked at the amount of attention it got. i wasn't really expecting it to reach many people; mainly, i have @wired-heartbeats to thank for that, since he's a heathen (affectionate) and reblogged it a bazillion times-- which is adorable, and i love them for it, but i'm getting off track here.

as self-shippers, or even just self-inserters, we're already so judged and misunderstood by the vast majority of society; i think it's so important that people feel seen, understood, welcome within the community. quite frankly, this particular issue was becoming something of an unaddressed elephant in the room, preventing that feeling for a lot of people-- myself included. i feel like it comes as a huge relief, not just to me, but to everyone involved, that the response has been so overwhelmingly positive. i'm genuinely so glad i decided to write it up and post it: there was a very real chance i could have brushed it off like i typically do, but because i didn't, i think a lot of people feel a little less alone.

so, i kind of rambled (as usual) more than i expected here-- sorry about that-- but basically what i'm saying is thank you for reading, and for taking the time to reach out! i'm so glad my words were helpful for you! remember, you aren't alone: you have a place in this community, and you're valuable. you're loved. thank you again for stopping by-- and remember, my inbox is always open! i love you 💕

#mine #i always go on for way longer than i expect to smh #but for real please never be afraid to reach out and talk to me!! i love people and i promise i don't bite

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preciouslandmermaid · 3 years

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Hi! I saw your message. I didn't mind if you posted it, but thank you for taking the time to consider my thoughts on that!

I wanted to apologize for spamming your notifications! Incase I'm coming off as weird or anything.

I know what it's like to receive like zero encouragement on writing via the internet on writing and how discouraging it is, so I just wanted to give back some of the joy you've given me as the reader.

I've loved a lot of fics but TTFATTF really hit home for me in a way I didn't go into reading it expecting it. The movie also speaks very much to me. The characters' journey of grieving/mourning a loved one, plus going through a dystopia alien apocolypse (parallel it with the pandemic), and getting into the path of healing spoke to me for various reasons, and I was pleasantly surprised at how you are having the characters deal with it all. TTFATTF quite literally ✨hit me✨ in the feels. Thank you for sharing it. (No pressure or anything on the writing. I don't mean to just plant something heavy onto your shoulders. omg.) I've read through comments on TTFATTF and I know I'm not the only one this fic speaks to.

Also: JOHN KRASINSKI ANSWER FOR YOUR CRIMES. I needed like 30 more minutes of AQP2.

I can't wait for when you post the new fic! 90s Evemett here I come!!!

I'm so totally glad that you are doing what you need to take care of yourself. Purge writing and then not taking any breaks is the worst and I've done it one too many times that coming out of it is like overcoming a bad hangover.

Sorry for the long ask! You can post this or answer it privately! Whatever you're comfortable with. Bye! 👋

ok first off - you're absolutely not spammy at all & i love it & also im a crazy person who reads everyone's tags when they reblog things JDKLFJSFL.

Gosh, I really cannot express how happy that makes me to hear like - it's so nice to KNOW that the story resonates with so many people especially in regard to topics like grief/mourning/healing. liKe yes you're not the first person to mention this but gosh it is so VALIDATING to hear as a writer. because you know, i sometimes feel like im stumbling through it. so yEAH. idk. just big thank you all around. <3

JOHN. ANSWER FOR UR CRIMES!!! yeah, i understand WHY he ended it the way he did (he was big on parallels/callbacks to the first movie) and the first movie ended with Evelyn loading the shotgun, so it makes sense that he'd end the 2nd with the children standing over the monsters they defeated. From a cinematic standpoint/creative standpoint, I GET IT, but also yeah, I would've loved just a little bit more.

AHHH 90S EVELYN/EMMETT. I am so thrilled to share it. It's been a comfort to write during this crazy transition period in my life. Because I can be SOFT and SELF-INDULGENT lmao !!!

and yes, I've honestly taken a break from writing TTFATTF and am focusing on the AU for now - at least until I'm at my new house & in my own bed lol. It's all about that comfort ~

Alsooooo pls omg don't worry about sending long asks. I love it. I feel like I'm making friends :,) and it's nice to know that other people, even if it's only a handful of us, connected to the movie/the characters.

#ttfattf #writing #through the flood and the fear #long post #ahhhh thank u again for sending me this #it means so much so im gonna post it so i can see it again LOL #amelia's writing #omg #favorites

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colour-outside-the-liness · 3 years

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Hi Colour! How are you doing today? I don't know about doing meaningful things with my life, feel like I've just been surviving this entire time lol. However I am trying to figure it out and working on building the life I want to live and hopefully I will be able contribute to this world in some way.

I don't think I've ever played a game of trivial pursuit. Have never been to a pub either, not like the ones you have in the UK anyway. Just been to very dirty bars where me and my friends used to drink as much as we could afford, shared questionable food that could potentially make us sick the next day and there were no quizzes or games really haha. So your exp sounds way more fun! 😂

I'm glad you're giving the song a chance! Only Spotify knows how many times I've listened to it lol. I reckon Hozier's going to be my artist of the year for 2021. I love attributing works of art to Dani x Jamie, have a whole ass Pinterest board full with images of paintings, poetry, music and anything that I think relates to them really (yeah I know, I have a problem).

I love everything you've said about how Dani, Viola and the lady in the lake are alike, I hadn't really thought about their similarities before, but everything you've said makes perfect sense. I always saw Viola as a narcissist, even her drive to protect her child felt selfish in a way, don't know if you know what I mean. And when she fades away and becomes the lady she's just pure (almost animalistic) instinct while on auto pilot, bc she only remembers rage and abandonment, she takes anything on her path aggressively unless they're a child. So what she sees in Dani is not processed logically, right? It's pure instinct and emotions, so what she recognizes in her when Dani invites her in is the desperate need to protect this child, so she sees her as deserving. Perhaps she also saw in Dani and opportunity to escape this nightmare. Despite all her faults she didn't deserve what happened to her either.

And don't get me wrong, Jamie is so, so strong and solid and she is my favorite mostly bc I identify with her personality more than Dani's. But we know Jamie is all that even before we learn her story, and I feel like it is expected that she'll be the strong and brave one bc she's had to be that her entire life albeit unwillingly. But Dani? We expect her to break at any given point, I mean she is reaching her limit after all that's happened, with all the weight she's carrying. I remember thinking "Jesus, this girl needs help" when I first watched the show hahaha. But she fights every damn time, she doesn't run away and that's why I find her so fascinating. That's why I thought this song was so fitting. Even if Dani would never see herself that way. But it's Jamie's perspective (and fire signs tend to exaggerate everything 😂) so it feels fitting that she thinks so highly of her baby haha. Ugh I just wanted them to stay together forever. 🥺

Omg yes! I love how you refined this idea, good thing you're a writer and I'm not hahaha. And yeah I'm absolutely here for sapphics with weapons like holy shit imagine Jamie fighting with a sword? 🤤 I'm weak. Hahaha would be cool to see them in a pirate AU too! Maybe someone's already done it? Idk. But aaaah I want to see them in every possible universe hahaha. Makes me want to get back into drawing too. 😩

Aww you two sound like you have a lovely bond going on. Your niece sounds like the coolest! I started out drawing anime too when I was a kid and ended up doing graphic design for a living! How did learning how to draw anime style go for you today?

Hey I'm doing great thank you I hope you are too? I know that feeling because I feel like that's how I have made it to 27 just surviving (barely) and taking things one day at a time to get me to this point and hopefully I can contribute in some way even it its just a small way... so I totally get that feeling but I am sure you contribute so much without you even realising it!! Oh it's great but depending on how competitive the people you're playing with are it can get pretty heated... I've been in some heated games of it before because people just refuse to believe I know the answers to some of the questions and they think I've been cheating and have all but demanded I have another question asked instead of the one I got right... and pub quizzes can be fun again depending on the team you're in and how seriously you wanna take it I have been in teams where its been a serious thing and we have all desperately wanted to win and then I've been in teams and we've just had fun with it... all the pubs I go in are dirty bars too but sometimes they have pub quizzes... I have had many nights where I have drank what I can afford... one night me on my roommate went over board though and we ended up spending ALL our money even our taxi fair and we had to walk home in the dark along country roads with hardly any lights to guide us... because of how drunk we were it too us around 3-4 hours and I fell over a road sign and ended up in a ditch... I've had a lot of fun experiences but some really stupid ones as well... your experiences sound great though!! I would love that!! I listened to the song and I loved it so much!! I don't even wanna know what my most listened to artist will be this year... my money is on it being the Six musical soundtrack... probably All You Wanna Do from that musical I'll be surprised if it's anything else. I would love for it to be someone like Hozier, but ever since I have done my Spotify wrapped thing it's always been a musical of some kind that's been my number 1 song / artist haha I love doing the same thing. If I can make something fit Dani x Jamie I will like it doesn't even matter what it is haha... I don't think you have a problem I think that sounds so cool!! I have nothing like that. I just have a head full of random ideas screaming to be let out I agree Viola is definitely selfish and narcissistic and everything she did came from a place of anger and rage over the things that happened to her she fell in love and got married and had a child and saw her sister try and take that from her while she was ill and in the end her sister killed her. Like yeah, I do feel sorry for Perdita with the way she was treated but I do think everything Viola did was out of frustration over what was happening to her. Like you said she acts on auto pilot and only knows rage until it comes to children- because all she knows is she is looking for a child so when she saw Dani so selfless sacrifice herself for a child she saw a little bit of herself in Dani she knows Dani is a good person and she can relate to that protective streak and I think she did see Dani as deserving I definitely agree with everything you've said here. Viola might have had faults and flaws and who doesn't? But I definitely think she had it rough and did deserve better than she was given. I agree, you can tell looking at Jamie that she is strong and brave while Dani comes off as the exact opposite. But I think you see fully how brave they both are when Dani sacrifices herself for Flora and when Jamie offers to keep Dani company and loves her despite knowing she won't be able to love her forever. I love Jamie but definitely relate to Dani's personality more, there are a lot of things Dani does that I see myself in her because I have done those types of things myself and the whole beast in the jungle speech resonates with me so much and every time I watch the last episode and hear that speech I am a crying mess from that point on. It's funny that you thought that about Dani when you first watched it, because me and my sisters got my mum to

watch it and she said the same thing about Dani "she needs help" but then once told me she liked Dani because she reminded her of me that was an interesting conversation to be a part of "Dani needs help... but I like her she's like you." I was like "Thanks?" I agree this song is definitely more how Jamie would see Dani, I think Dani just has a very blasé view of herself, like I don't think she's self conscious or self deprecating in anyway but I think she sort of walks around like "this is me and this is just how I am" where as Jamie just sees Dani for how brave and strong and amazing she is- maybe even if as a fire sign she exaggerates a little bit haha Jamie just thinks Dani is the most amazing person in the world and I just know that Dani saw her the same way!! I really wanted them to be together forever... I am never going to emotionally recover from Bly Manor. Your idea was incredible and I think it would be a great story to read honestly that's the type of thing I live for!! OMG Jamie with a sword is just 🤤 🥵 I am all for sapphics and weapons of any kind!! There's this pirate AU which is absolutely amazing!! I don't know if you've read it or not but iamalekza writes some really great fics!! https://archiveofourown.org/works/28631598/chapters/70179306 ^^ Pirate AU I really wish I could draw I would love to be able to draw scenes from fics I have read and even ones I have written but I just don't have the skill set for that!! I would love to see other fan arts though I think drawing is such an incredible talent to have and I am in awe of anyone that can do it!! Me and my niece have a great bond, she's like a little mini me (despite almost being as tall as me). She is honestly such a cool kid I have a hell of a lot of fun with her- I'm looking after her again tomorrow and I have no idea what we're gonna do but we will figure something out... she's such a good drawer she's only just started doing it at the beginning of the year and she's really progressed with it... I however have not so I am definitely gonna need more practice. That's so cool that you started out doing anime drawing and then ended up going into a career in graphic design. Again that's a talent that I am just in awe of because it's just something I have never been able to do!!

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hopeless-lovex0 · 4 years

Text

I HAVE A DREAM (PART 18)

( San Ending )

Kim Hongjoong Fanfic

Warning: Angst. Cheating. Heartbreak. Cursing. Fluff.

Alas we are on the Finale of I Have A Dream!!! I honestly loved writing this story so much and I’m incredibly happy and thankful that people actually took time to read it so this final chapter goes out to everyone who has liked, shared or read in general I Have A Dream ❤️ Without further ado I hope you guys enjoy the option of choosing your own ending, I hope you guys enjoyed I Have A Dream. With much love Lizzie x 🥰❤️

Taking care of a 3 week old baby was sure a hard task, the loud wails of the little one resonating around the dimly lit apartment. Y/N was glad that Youngji decided to stay over at his friends house, or else she knew he would have a hard time falling asleep with Jongho making so much noise. It's not that Youngji minded, if anything he would be the first one up in the middle of the night feeding Jongho if Y/N was too tired, he would also help change him if Y/N was busy with something else.

Y/N was extremely grateful for her brother, Youngji always cuddling Jongho the best he could, also taking great care of Y/N when she felt like the constant hours of sleep she lost where taking a tool on her body. Youngji loved his sister very much, he also loved his nephew Jongho as well, but even he felt like he was doing so little to help her.

So he took matter into his own hands and requested help from someone he knew would never think about saying no, especially when it came to his sister and the recent family addition. San was more than willing to help Y/N around the apartment, constantly dotting over her and Jongho if they ever needed something. He didn't seem to mind either, helping Y/N with Jongho with a big smile on his face, Youngji swears he even heard San whispers Dad of the year to himself while he was carefully changing Jongho's dirty onesie.

Y/N felt like they were doing too much, the guys constantly following right behind her, eager to help and it made her feel like she was taking advantage of San's sweet nature and her brother's overprotective actions. She wanted to learn and grow as a mother by herself, but now more than ever did she miss the extra pair of hands helping lull Jongho to sleep.

The circular clock hanging over the kitchen entrance read 2:47 AM, Jongho first started crying around 12. It was nearing the third hour and Y/N had only managed to subside his desperate cries just a little. She had tried everything she could think of, he wasn't hungry as he rejected being breastfed, he also didn't need a diaper change as Y/N had checked more than 3 times.

Y/N could slowly feel herself crack as the minutes ticked by, swaying her body and humming under her breath to help Jongho sleep but he just kept on crying. " Please baby... Just go to sleep! I dont know what's wrong.." Y/N whispered to Jongho, feeling tears well up in her sunken eyes as she struggled to help her baby calm down.

The sudden knock on the door snapped her attention from her crying new born, anxiety shooting off the roof when she thinks about her brother's neighbors coming over and complaining about the noise. Walking up to the door with a crying baby in her arms, Y/N begins to give herself a little pep talk, fully preparing herself to see her brother's angry bald neighbor in his pijamas screaming at her for the noise.

Opening the door, she expected the bald neighbor to start complaining but to her surprised a panting, what appered to be a freshly showered San was hunched right in front of her at 3 in the morning. Y/N gaped at him as he quickly stood straight and walked into the apartment, closing the door behind him then turning back towards Y/N, greeting her with a sheepish smile.

" Wha.. What are you doing here..?" Y/N questions, standing there with a dumbstruck look on her face. " Youngji texted me saying that you might be having some trouble putting Jongho to sleep so I decided to come and help." San explains, as if its the most simple thing in the world for him to appear in the middle of the night, especially when he was an idol. " Why do you say that so casually?! Won't you get in trouble with the manager? What about your schedule for tomorrow! You need to go back!" She begins to panic, causing Jongho's cries to grow in volume again.

San then takes a moment to actually study Y/N closely, her pijamas wrinkled as if she got out of bed in a rush, face pale and eyes sucken with dark bags under them to show the lack of sleep she has been getting. Walking up to her, he gently takes Jongho out of Y/N's arms and then takes one of her hands, leading them towards Y/N's room where Jongho's crib is placed. Y/N can't help but gasp out in surprise, the moment Jongho was taken from her arms and placed on San's muscular ones Jongho loud cries had gone down from loud wailing to quiet whimpers.

" How did you...?" She begins to question before her voice dies off, Jongho now completely quiet as he continues to snuggle in San's arms. " I don't know how you do that." She sighs out, throwing herself on her bed and letting San deal with Jongho as he seems to be doing better than her.

" Do what? Get him to quiet down?" He questions, Y/N humming back at him in response. " I really don't know.. Maybe we formed a bond the minute he was born." He smugly says, causing Y/N to snort out in annoyence. " I'm his mother and I can't even get him to sleep, what kind of mother can't even put her baby to sleep." Y/N whispers out, face twisted in a frown when she talks about her lack of knowledge on her own flesh and blood.

San seems to notice her negative attitude towards herself, sitting himself down by Y/N's head, bringing his hand up and flicking her forehead. Y/N jumps up, bringing her hands up and wincing in pain as she begins to rub the red spot appering on her skin. " What was that for!!!" Y/N harshly whispers at him, glaring at him for his sudden action. " You don't give yourself enough credit." San tells her, Y/N saying huh in confusion.

" There's so many things that you do for this little guy. He finds so much comfort in you and you don’t seem to notice just how much you do for him. You're not a bad mother just because you can't seem to get him to sleep, it'll happen once in a while." San finishes off, patting Y/N's head as she listens to San compliment her. " How do you know what to say too! Like I swear it's like we've been together for years." Y/N whines out, causing San to blush at her words though she doesn't seem to notice as her eyes begin to drop.

" Go to sleep idiot, I can tell Jongho has been keeping you up and it's not healthy to deprive yourself of sleep." He says, getting up from the bed and pulling the covers off so that Y/N can slip in easier. " What about you? I can't just leave you to deal with Jongho all by yourself." Y/N slurs out, already feeling herself falling into a deep sleep.

" I'll wait till he's completely asleep, and then head out. Don't worry, I don't mind taking care of him at all." He says, although he doesn't think Y/N caught all of it as she seems to be out like light before he's able to finish talking. Shaking his head, he lets out a chuckle and turns his attention to Jongho currently knocked out on his chest. " You and your mommy are just alike huh? But still.. I wouldn't have it any other way." He whispers to Jongho, placing a small kiss on the baby's peach fuzz head.

Walking up to the crib next to the bed, he carefully places Jongho inside it then waits a couple minutes in case he suddenly wakes up crying. Once he knows that Jongho is not going to wake up, he walks towards Y/N and makes sure that she is comfortably tucked in. He softly tucks away some hairs behind her ear, showing her content expression, he feels his stomach burst with billions of butterflies. A loving smile appears on his face without him noticing, leaning down and placing a kiss on her forehead. " You are a great mother, but on the day's where everyhting doens't seem to work out.. I'll be there to pick you up." He whispers out, staring at Y/N for a couple more seconds before finally walkingout the room and towards the entrance, making usre that the door is properly locked he leaves the apartment with a happy smile on his face.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Loud screaming coming from the hallway outside of San's and Yunho's room wakes him up, an annoyed expression coming upon his face when he realizes that it's Wooyoung and Mingi that are screaming their lungs out. Turning over his bed, he squints his eyes against the sunlight pouring in through the windows of his room. He can't really tell what time it is, so he decides to check his phone, the device laying on the floor next to his bed.

Grabbing the fully charged phone, he notices a message from his manager on their group chat, Hongjoong and Seonghwa having answered for the rest of the guys. No practice today, day off. Please, if you plan to go out wear face masks. Don't burn the dorm down and don't kill each other. We need everyone present for schedule. It reads, the rest of the guys apperantly already knowing from how loud they are at 8 in the morning.

Letting out a groan, San begins to wiggle himself out the bed before finally feeling his body drop on the cold wood floor. The covers that dropped on top of his body helping him feel some warmth as the bitter cold of the floor seeps into his pijama covered body. He stays on the floor for a couple minutes, listening to all the ruckus going on behind the bedroom door, occasionaly hearing Yeosang’s soft spoken voice and Seonghwa's scolding coming from further in the dorm towards the kitchen area.

Finally after what seems like an eternity, San reaches into the drawer next to his bed and begins to take out an outfit for the day, not sure if he should go for classy or more casual. He thinks about the various options he has to choose from, what's the point of dressing classy if I'm not doing anything big today. He thinks, moving aside various pairs of jeans and instead taking out a pair of joggers, along with a random t-shirt.

Standing up, he walks up Yunho's side of the room and takes his hat hanging from a hook connected to the wall. Quickly getting dressed, he walks up to the door and throws it open, standing face to face with Wooyoung and Mingi as they seem to stop their fighting. " Seonghwa-Hyung send us to wake you up but since you are already up then we should tell you that he plans on giving Yunho your breakfast if you don't hurry up." Mingi says, pushing Wooyoung's face away when the dancer begins to tickle the friendly giant.

Knowing that Seonghwa doesn't bluff, San pushes through them and runs towards the kitchen screaming Yunho's name as he sees the other giant taking small pieces from San's food. Running up to the middle island, he quickly snatches the bowl of food away from Yunho's prying hands, glaring at him when he notices that he was almost halfway done with the bowl. Grumbling under his breath, he begins to eat what is left of his food, missing the look of amusement Seonghwa is giving him, his lean but built body leaning against the kitchen countertop.

" What are you doing today?" Seonghwa asks San as he continues to wolf down his food, scrunching up his face in disgust from the way San seems to swallow his food all at once. San stays quiet for a couple seconds, giving Seonghwa's questions some thought. Where should I go today? Maybe I can go to the mall with some of the guys? But I want to see Y/N and Jongho again.. Last night was way to short, and I didn't even get to play with Jongho. San thinks to himself, so many things he could do today or how many hours of sleep he could finally get, all of them sounding amazing, but in the end it all comes down to one thing (or in his case 2 people).

" I'm gonna hang out with Y/N today." He says, struggling to get the words out with all the food stuffed inside his mouth. " Swallow your food before you choke, and didn't you see Y/N last night when we got out of pratice?" Seonghwa asks him, turning around and beginning to wash the mountain of dishes they used to make eachother breakfast that morning. Getting up from his chair, San scarffs down the last of his food before putting the plate in the sink, giving Seonghwa a sheepish smile when the older male gives him a nasty glare. " Barely, Jongho was up all night apperently and she couldn't put him to sleep, so I helped her and then a couple minutes after she fell asleep so I didn't really get to talk to her." Explains San, taking a glass cup from the cabinet over his head and filling it with the last bit of orange juice some of the guys left out.

" Poor Y/N, I can tell she's having a hard time adjusting to being a mother, but I'm glad you and Youngji are doing your best to help her." Yunho butts in, walking up to San and taking his glass from him, Seonghwa hums in agreement. " Yeah I agree with you. So If you are visiting Y/N, Don't forget to wear a face mask so people don’t recognize you and tell Y/N that we'll all visit her soon when we have another day off." Seonghwa says, taking the empty glass from Yunho and washing it before they decide to leave it there throughout the rest of the day.

Giving Seonghwa a thumbs up, San runs to his shared room and throws the door open, yelping in surprise when he notices Wooyoung chilling on his bed. " Hey Sannie! What are you doing today? I wanted to buy some new shoes but I don't want to go alone." Wooyoung says, taking one of San's plushies and hugging it close to himself as he watches San take out a pair of socks and shoving them on his feet. " Hey Woo, I actually have plans already. I'm gonna go see Y/N and Jongho since it was way too late last night and they were both tired." San tells him, walking over to his bed and grabbing his bookbag where his wallet and dorm keys are stashed away.

" That's cool, I'll probably ask Yeosang to come with me instead. Also I see you are climbing up the ladder slowly, but surely am I right." Wooyoung teases, giggling to himself as he sees the deadpan look San give him in return. " You deserve to get your phone thrown out the window for saying that." San mumbles out, busying himself with other things as he tries to ignore Wooyoung’s loud squeaky laugh.

" I'm just joking around! Plus what I said was true. I see that you are trying your hardest to get her to like you, and no offense with how much you are doing for her, it'll be pretty bogus if she doesn't choose you in the end." Wooyoung tells him, causing San to stop in his tracks and sigh out. " Whoever she chooses in the end, either way it won't stop me from loving her and doing whatever I can to get her to realize that I can treat her so much better." San finishes off, walking back to the door and exiting with a small wave directed to his loud but nonetheless amazing friend.

He hears Wooyoung yell out a goodbye, snickering to himself when he hears the oldest of the dorm scream at him to shut up. As he walks up to the main entrance he feels the piercing gaze of someone in the living room, chills crepping up his spine when the feeling of being stared at doesn't go away. Turning towards the living room entryway he scans his eyes around the area, his sharp eyes landing on Ateez's leader. The male staring at San with an unreadable expression on his face, fidgeting in his seat as if he is ready to jump off the couch any minute.

Deciding to ignore him, San walks up to the shoe rack and grabs his worn out adidas shoes, slipping them on without a hassle before grabbing his jacket and slipping it on. Digging in his pockets he takes out a black face mask and slips it on, arm reaching towards the handle before a very distraught voice screams out his name causing him to stop in his tracks. Turning around, the last thing he expects to see is a shaking Hongjoong deeply bowing his head to him, face practically almost touching the floor from how deeply he is bowing.

San stares at him in shock, turning towards the rest of the guys as they seemed to gone quiet the moment Hongjoong screamed San's name. He gives them a confused look, the guys shrugging their shoulders letting him know that they also don't know what's going on. " Uhhh... What are you doing?" Questions San, yelping out when Hongjoong suddenly stands back up rapidly. " Please take good care of them." Hongjoong's voice resonates throughout the dorm, everyone else quiet as they watch the scene in front of them.

San is about to question him, but instead gets cut off by Hongjoong's trembling voice. " Y/N and Jongho. I know my chance with Y/N ended when I decided to cheat, so I ask you to please take care of them for me. Jongho needs a good father to raise him, and Y/N needs a good man who will love her better than I could. That man is you." Hongjoong finishes off, harshly wiping away tears from his face as he holds intense eye contact with San. Walking up to him, San pulls Hongjoong in for a hug surprising not only the male currently being forced in a hug but the rest of the guys watching them from the living room and the hallway.

" Y/N already sees you as Jongho's father so don't give me all the credit. I will take good care of them, so you don't need to worry." San says, pulling away from him and patting him on the shoulder, Hongjoong giving him a small smile in thanks. Again turning around, he makes his way over to the door and opens it, yelling out a goodbye to the rest of the guys.

The walk to Youngji's apartment doesn't last that long, and before he knows it, he is standing in front of the same door he was standing in front of just last night. Knocking on it, he waits a couple minutes before the door creaks open, Y/N standing on the other side of it seemingly more awake than last night. They greet each other warmly, Y/N fully opening the door to let the idol in and then quickly closing it so that none of Youngji's neighbors come out of their apartments and try sneaking a look into her brothers.

" Where's Youngji? I noticed he wasn't here last night as well." San questions, walking up to the Jongho's cradling bouncer and picking him up, the new born snuggling onto his warm chest without a fuss. " He stayed at a friends house last night since he got out work late and he didn't want to risk waking Jongho up but as you can tell from last night, he wasn't exactly sleeping." Y/N answers back from her room, voice sounding muffled due to her room being all the way down the hall. She comes back dressed in a pair of black leggings and a loose maroon blouse, cooing to herself when she sees Jongho snuggling San's chest.

They both stand together in silence, Y/N drinking water from a glass cup while staring at San and her baby, San staring at Jongho with a loving look. Sensing her staring, San lifts up his head and stares right back at Y/N causing her to squeak in embarassment. She turns her head away, blushing bright red when she hears San let out a deep chuckle causing Jongho to wake up from his little nap. Y/N prepares herself for the loud cries of her baby to pierce the quiet setting of the apartment but instead stares in awe when she notices that he instead stares at San in wonder.

San makes faces at the baby, causing him to let out little giggles in amusement. Y/N can help but silently swoon at the sight in front of her, she can't help but think that San would make a great father someday. With that thought, her mind begins to drift to various other scenarios of which include San with his own child or better yet, Jongho calling him dad. She thinks back to that day in the hospital when Hongjoong called her out on her feelings for San, and she won't lie that what he said isn't true because it is. Ever since that day when Y/N found San on the dirt road with a sprained ankle, she began to develop feelings for the dimpled man.

All those times he would help her carry bags, bodies brushing against each other causing Y/N's heart rate to spike. She blamed it all on the pregnancy hormones but after her talk with Hongjoong she finally got some time to sit down and think, I really do like him. She is afraid though, the thought of being in a relationship scares her. What if he doesn't feel the same way? What if he decides to leave me for someone better? I can't even begin to imagine the pain I would feel if that were to happen again, and now I have a child. I can't be weak! I have to be strong for my baby. She thinks, turning her body away from the scene in front of her so that San won't be able to see her unhappy expression.

San seemed to sense her sudden attitude change, puts Jongho back on his bouncer then walks up to Y/N taking her soft hands in his own. " What's wrong?" He asks her, grabbing her chin and turning her face towards his so that she'll look at him instead. Knowing that she can't lie to save her life, she decided to fess up sighing out when she thinks about what he'll say to her.

" Do you... Do you think I could ever get back in a relationship with someone? Like do you think someone would be willing to date a single mother?" She questions, keeping her eyes down so that he won't see the doubt swimming in her eyes. " Who wouldn't want to be in a relationship with you? You are so amazing Y/N and you fail to see that, If someone doesn't want to be with you because you have an adorable, incredible baby then it's their loss!" San tells her, making sure to keep eye contact with her so she knows that he's telling the truth.

They stare into each others eyes for what seems like an eternity, both of them flushing in embarressment when they notice just how close their faces were. " You once told me you had a dream to have a family of your own. A loving husband and two kids that you could spoil the heck out of. Don't let that dream leave your mind just because Hongjoong cheated on you, It was his mistake not yours. Anyone would be lucky to have you.. I would be lucky to have you.." San whispers out the last bit, avoiding eye contact with Y/N as he rubs the back of his neck in nervousness.

He whips his head towards Y/N when her hears her let out a gasp, knowing that she probably heard what he said last. Y/N feels her head start to spin, body warming up when she replays San's words in her head, Don't let Hongjoong's actions affect your future Y/N! It's now or never! Y/N thinks to herself, fist curling up causing her knuckles to turn white.

" I.... I LIKE YOU SAN..." Y/N says, walking away right after so that if San rejects her she won't be able to see it. She failed to see the blush covering San's entire face, his ears and cheeks burning up from the shock and disbelief he was experiencing in that moment. He feels the way his heart is rapidly racing and he hopes that Y/N isn't able to hear how loud it is, but as he turns around he sees that she's distractic herself with Jongho, checking his diaper in case he needed to be changed even thought she had chaged him an hour ago.

He studies her for a couple seconds to see if what she said is true, and from the way she's acting extremely shy he can at least begin to think that YN might like him back. He begins to laugh quietly to himself, Y/N staring at him with wide eyes as his laughing progressively grows louder. Scurrying over to Y/N he pullls her in for a hug, Y/N having to steady herself as she's pratically lifted off the floor.

She feels San's big grin from where he shoved his face between her neck, letting out various giggles as he swings Y/N around making sure that he doesn't hurt her or Jongho by accident. " Do you mean it..?" He whispers out, placing Y/N back down on the ground and putting his hands on her waist as he waits for her to answer him. " I.. I do., I found out a couple days after I left the hospital. I was just to scared to tell you." She says, keeping eye contact with him as best as she can without getting flustered. " You don't have to be scared.. I won't ever hurt you or Jongho, I'll get the guys to beat me up if I ever do." San laughs out, reaching forwards and tucking some hairs behind Y/N's ear as he continues to gaze lovingly at her. " So does this mean you'll give me a chance..?" He continues, nervously playing with her hair as she looks between him and Jongho napping a couple feet away.

She remains quiet for a couple seconds before a smile begins to appear on her face, growing wider and wider as her grip around San grows tighter. ".. Yes.." She whispers out, bringing San in for a small kiss, pulling away when they hear Jongho begin to whine from the lack of attention. They both giggle out, San reaching down and placing another short kiss on Y/N's soft lips before pulling away and attending to his baby.

1 year and a couple months later....

San wakes to a sudden disturbance on the bed, quiet giggling following the sudden movements coming from the right side of the bed, where Y/N usually sleeps. Pulling the covers away from his face, he peeks his eyes over the side of the bed, spotting a small toddler trying to jump on the bed. Throwing the covers away from him, he quickly reaches his arms over and picks up the squealing toddler, throwing himself back into the warm bed with a giggling boy in his arms.

" Where's mommy?" San asks Jongho as he begins to tickle the squirming toddler, Jongho pointing at the hallway leading up to the main area of the apartment. Getting up from the bed, he scoops Jongho into his arms and exits the main room, making faces at Jongho as he walks towards the kitchen where Y/N is currently making breakfast. Putting Jongho down, the toddler runs up to his toys spraddled all over the living room floor. He walks up to an oblivious Y/N, swaying to a tune she's humming as she continues to cook some eggs and pancakes for breakfast.

He snakes his hands on her waist, pulling her up to his body as he gives her exposed shoulder a kiss. He feels Y/N jump and then shudder, the feeling of his lips on her exposed skin leaving goosebumps in its wake. Turning around Y/N slips her arms over his neck, hugging San close to her as he begins to pepper her face with kisses, they both turn their attention to Jongho when he screams out at them. Jongho runs up to San and begins to jump up and down, pounting his lips from the lack of attention he is getting.

Pulling away from Y/N, San leans down and picks up a whining Jongho, attacking him with kisses as well. Jongho begins to giggle again, throwing his hands up and pushing San's face away from his. " No daddy!" The toddler screams out, San's heart swelling with love when he hears Jongho call him dad. " Let's eat breakfast buddy." San tells him, walking up to the dining chair and placing Jongho in it.

He walks up to one of the cabinets and takes out two ceramic plates and a colorful plactic plate for Jongho, walking up to the stove and placing the food on the plates. He watches as Y/N fills up two glasses with orange juice, then filling Jongho's sippy cup with warm milk, the toddler greedily sipping from it. Both adults sit down to eat as well, San keeping close watch on Y/N as she begins to eat slowly. " Do you think it's a stomach bug? We did eat sushi the other day and I swear it tasted funny." San tells her, worried for his girlfriend who has been throwing up for the past week.

" Actually I know what it is." Y/N mumbles out, picking at her food as San looks at her in confusion. " Why don't you go check the drawer next to our bed. I have something for you in there." She tells him, watching as San hesitantly gets up and makes him way back to their shared bedroom. Y/N busy's herself with cleaning the food all over Jongho's face before hearing a shout come from their bedroom.

Thundering footsteps run back to the kitchen, San popping out from the corner holding 4 sticks in his hand. His face shows pure shock, mouth opening and closing like a fish, Jongho pointing at him and giggling in amusement. " Are you playing with me?!" San asks her, walking up to her and shoving the sticks on her face, she gives him a small smile and shakes her head. " I have an appointment next week to make sure, but no I'm not playing with you." Y/N tells him, taking the pregnancy tests from his hands and placing them on the kitchen counter.

" You're pregnant.." San breathes out, pulling Y/N towards him and placing one of his hands on her flat belly. Y/N nods at him, San finally letting his excitement show as he practically starts to jump around the kitchen. He hears Y/N and Jongho giggling together and he immediately turns towards the toddler and picks him up, spinning him around with him while telling him " You're gonna be a big brother Jongho! You're gonna have a brother or a sister." San excitedly tells him, Jongho cheering out even though he doesn't know what going on.

Walking up to Y/N he pulls her for a hug, Jongho stuck in the middle enjoying the hug both parents are giving him.

" Thank you.. Thank you for making me a father again, I love you." San whispers out, pulling in Y/N for a kiss placing a kiss on Jongho's head when he whines out. Y/N giggles to herself, giving Jongho a kiss as well then pulling San in for another.

" I love you.. I love our little family." She tells him, tearing up when she thinks about having another baby with San. San beams at her in return, content with life as he thinks to himself.

She had a dream to have a family of her own, A loving husband and two kids that she can spoils to no ends, and even though we are not married yet, I plan on making her mine forever soon. He thinks back to the velvet box carefully hidden under all his clothes. He can't wait to marry this girl, and live together in their own little house.

Their own little family...

#ateez #ateez angst #ateez imagines #ateez scenarios #ateez reactions #kpop angst #kpop imagines #kpop scenarios #ateez hongjoong #ateez seonghwa #ateez yunho #ateez yeosang #ateez san #ateez mingi #ateez wooyoung #ateez jongho #I Have A Dream

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r3b3lgrrrrrrrl · 4 years

Text

A LunaTic and her Gunn (Part 109 1Xs2) "Welcome To The Hotel Diablo"

@crystalbaby12 @5sosfam1dlover @backoftheroomandnotbelonging @rosefilledhearts-blog

Luna and Ashley may have a strangle on the #1 slot with Nightmare sitting tight for it's seventh week but Colson continues to control a vast majority of the Billboard Top 20 Pop Charts as Hotel Diablo debuts at #5. Not only with the two hits he has with Luna and Dom but also including a few of his own singles.

I Think I'm Okay has been holding strong at #2 for the last four weeks. Keeping the #1 position on the Alternative Charts for it's third also. Bad Things having it's own place at #3 on the Pop Charts for it's third week. Hollywood Whore is up three slots, grabbing the #5 spot this week while THAT Type replaces it at #8. El Diablo is sitting at #11 for it's own consecutive week while Bebe's climbing back up alongside THAT Type as Candy makes it's entrance at #19.

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Landing in Cleveland, everyone is pumped. Luna, Pete, Sam, Benny, Ashley and Dom excitedly passing Congratulations to The Boys over Hotel Diablo's immediate success. Everyone's coming in to town tonight. Meeting up for a full performance of the album at the Agora Ballroom for fans then another more intimate performance at Velvet Dog for the album's release party.

Dispersing from the hanger, Slim heads to his own Ohio home, Baze taking Sam along with him to his. Pete, Ashley, Rook, Dom and Benny dipping out to Colson's Cleveland House to meet up with Bullet while he immediately goes over to Emma's with Luna to see Casie.

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"Oooh, Sugar... I'm so fucking proud of yooou!! You have FIVE top 20 hits right now... We're gonna have to look some shit up, Buns, because I don't think anyone's ever done that before!" Luna gushes in the back of their Uber as she sprinkles his grinning face with kisses.

"No way. I'm not breaking any Beatles or Micheal Jackson records...." He pauses. "You really think it's possible?" Colson asks with hopeful look twinkling in his brilliant eyes.

"I do...." Luna reassures him as she pulls out her phone. "Here..." She says after a quick internet search. "You haven't broken anything yet... But you're close as fuck." She shows him her phone.

Only The Beatles out rank him with six Top 10 hits from February 29 to May 2, 1964. It's actually incredible and nothing he ever expected. For one of the first times Luna watches Colson go silent.

"I can't believe it fucking debuted at Five, Baby." He lowly admits with a slight hint of red to his sweet cheeks.

"Ohh, I can. You're whole soul is on that record." Luna replies with love.

"That's what I'm afraid of..." He says even lower.

"People always resonate with honesty, Bunny." She tells him, giving her opinion. "Why you think your fan base is so strong? Because you've always been honest." She pulls his cheek over to kiss it with her words.

"I love you." He turns to grin at her again while meeting her mouth.

Somehow, Luna always knows what to say to Colson. Whether he's at his most shittiest, pushing full confidence or the lowest of his lows, she never fails on telling him the truth in how she sees things. Colson doing the same for her. Neither being aware of deeply they truly take care of each other mentally.

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"PEANUT!!!" Colson shouts with a bellowing laugh as he scoops Casie up and spins her around.

Luna and Emma watch the two of them with their hearts oozing after they had greeted each other. Without thinking, Luna laces her hand inside Emma's and lays her head against her shoulder. Slightly catching her by surprise as she easily accepts Luna's affection.

"I love the way he loves her..." Luna sighs wistfully. "He's such a great dad."

"It's one of his best qualities." Emma agrees with a smile as she holds Luna's hand a little tighter. "Think you guys'll have kids?" She asks with a genuine interest.

"I... I don't know...." Luna trails off honestly as she lifts her head up, not bothering to mention Colson or Casie's wants from her.

"I think you'd make a great mother." Emma says, looking directly at Luna. "I see you with Case and how you make Colson a better man.... Not that that's any reason to have a baby... I'm just saying... Should it come, I think you'd be really good at it."

"Wow.... Thanks. That means a lot." Luna smiles thoughtfully.

Squeezing Emma's hand, she nestles back on top of her shoulder with Emma resting her head onto Luna's. Any jealousy or disparity from NY's lunch having already dropped away. Both thankful to have the other in Casie and Colson's life above all else.

Once Colson's finished with her, Casie greets an ecstatic Luna. The young woman dipping down to squeeze the little girl with love. Coaxing her inside with the promise of a new present to her parent's amusement.

"You didn't have to do that." Emma says after Luna gives Casie the new Nikon and tries to show her how to use it.

"Photography is my first love and she mentioned how she wants to learn, so how could I not?" Luna asks with a shrug and a bright smile. "Oh... And thanks for hooking me up with Bonnie. She's been beyond wonderful!" Going on to express her gratitude over Emma's connection and friend.

"Yeah, no problem. She had mentioned last week that you guys have been in contact. I'm glad to have helped... I can't wait to see how it turns out." Emma smiles warmly at Luna.

Colson's been watching all the important females in his life intently. Truly appreciating how easily Luna and Emma have gravitated towards each other while also attending to the youngest. It's easy to see the deep respect and enjoyment they hold for each other. Even in another life, they could easily be genuine friends also.

Grabbing Casie around the neck, he wrestles her around. Many shoutings of DAD escape as she tries to wiggle away to no avail.

"Wanna come to the show tonight?" He asks her as he slightly loosens his grip. "Don't play with me." He lightly shakes her when she hesitates with a sarcastic Uhhhhmmm.

"YEAH I wanna come!!" She grins up at him. "Mom, can I?" She asks looking over.

"Yeah, Ma. Please." Colson pleads with her as he smirks.

"Ash gonna be there?" Emma asks to Colson's nod. "She'll bring her home after the show?"

"Lemme check." Colson reassures her as he let's go of Casie and digs into his pocket.

While Colson's on the phone, Luna chats with Emma about an array of things. Tonight's shows and the upcoming weddings along with Casie's findings and her adventures during the tour. Their conversation flowing easily while Luna continues helping the little girl figure out how to take pictures with her latest, prized possession. Her attentiveness not being lost upon the mother just like her dad.

"Ash said she can drop her off tonight before the album release party and then I'll just pick her up tomorrow before the Pop Up." Colson interupts them when heading back into the kitchen.

"And you'll keep her until when?" Emma asks.

Colson looks at Luna. "Uhhhh..." He hesitates.

"My girlfriend Deanna is flying in on Monday to try to finish up the wedding fittings... So Tuesday by the latest if that's okay?" She shrugs at Colson before looking at Emma.

With Casie's eyes pleading and her body hopping around her, it's hard for Emma to resist. Not that there's any reason to. Laughing, she says Yes to her daughter's excited hugs and kisses.

After Luna convinces Casie to leave her camera at home tonight, they hug and kiss Emma GoodBye. Arrival texts being promised as always before the trio wave GoodBye from inside the Uber.

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Back at The House, Colson's stoked to find Mod, Noah, Phem and Caroline. Along with a ton of packages and everyone else. Opening the boxes, he starts to shout for The Gang.

"Yo!! Pull up!!" He hollers. "I got one for you. And one for you. One for you and for you...." He says, handing the small boxes to Caroline, Phem, Mod and Noah before calling the others over that aren't within his long arm's reach.

A box goes to Slim, Pete, Baze, Casie, Rook, Dom, Benny, Bullet, Ashley and even Sam. He sets two boxes to the side for Ashleigh and Dub. Along with a handful of other's, amongst them are ones for Naomi, Trippie and Skies. Pulling Luna close, he hands her hers.

"Aight, bitches open 'EM!!" He shouts with a huge chuckle and grin.

Inside the box is a beautiful, thin, platinum and diamond encrusted Double X pendant on a slim rope chain.

"You're determined to have yourself all over me, hunh?" Luna asks with a snicker as she looks up at him.

"You fucking know it! Two rings, two tattoos, two necklaces. Two times, Kitten. Two times!" He grins wider at their inside joke while scooping her up to kiss her as Thank Yous explode all around them.

"GANG!! GANG!!" Slim shouts as he throws his arms up into an X.

Colson puts on Luna's necklace as Ashley helps Casie with hers. Everyone else assisting one another. Walking into the kitchen, Luna grabs a can of Sprite and an armful of beers. Passing them around, she opens Casie's soda before cracking her own beverage.

🎼Mothafuckas//KNOW//Who rides wit THIS Gang//By the way we be rockin'//Our Double X chains//They too soft//To know//HOW HARD UP WE CAME// Still swangen' around//Keepen' that//Bangen' A Rang thang//Got the baddest bitch//Locked wit tattoos and a rang//Checkin' into HOTEL DIABLO//You know shit's gon' be//FUCKIN' INSANE🎶

Colson shouts, bouncing around as they toast to Family and Hotel Diablo. His intimate circle hooting at his epic freestyle while Luna rolls her eyes and kisses his jawbone. In his soul he is still very much a Wild Boy.

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"Oh, Bunny..." Luna coos as her thighs tighten around Colson's waist.

They're upstairs in the shower getting ready for Colson's Big Night. He grips her ass as she clutches the back of his neck, thrusting him deeper inside of her. Both are panting in the steamy air as they suck on and fuck each other passionately. Pulling on the other's hair as their bodies throb and they pound themselves into one another.

"Fuck Kitten, you ready?" Colson gasps when he feels himself tingle from the upcoming explosion.

"Mmmhmmmm...." She moans as she bucks against him faster, giving them both permission to let go.

"Fuuuuuuuck....." They both sigh out in content as Colson continues to hold Luna and they rest their faces in each other's necks.

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"I have something for you..." Luna says while they're both still naked from their ShowerFuck, offering up her black portfolio case after finding it amongst their luggage.

"What's this?" He asks with intrigue, remembering the last gift the leather casing had held for him.

"Fuck.... I gotta get that framed." He suddenly thinks. "It'd be perfect in The Brownstone...." His mind drifts as he begins to muse to himself.

"Open it..." She encourages him with a gleaming smile. "I've been working on it for a minute..." She says as her lips drop into a tiny secret.

Unzipping the case, Colson is presented with another canvas. This time displaying an oversized painted replica of their punked out bunny. The background is a deepish purple with edgy whisps of creams and light colored violets flowing through out it. Making the hints of color in the white cartoon animal pop out of it's heavy black outline. The feeling easily representing Hotel Diablo's black and purple atheistic.

Arranged around their matching tattoo, with some items being embedded into the canvas, are physical pieces from The Tour. Their key card from The Watergate, the crumpled receipt from their coffee order in Detroit, a ticket stub from the planetarium in Texas. Amongst them is also the peeled off lable from their bottle of SpringBack 1919 they had shared in the San Francisco speakeasy and her BackStage pass from the Pittsburgh show. All secured and decorated with a slight black outline to showcase each of them.

A little larger than his huge thumb are eight small, intimate pictures of the two of them sprinkled throughout. Some are selfies but other's aren't. Luna breaking her own rule and using other's photography in her art. Angled in the the bottom right corner, in a black and light purple twist, lays a mutilated copy of Luna's lips spelling out Bad Things. Dotted in an iridescent paint to make it sparkle in dark wonderment. Fully tying the whole piece together.

Luna's art is truly like no other's. Combining multi-medias and dimensions with her muse's soul lingering inside of it. Colson's eyes are wide the way they were the night she gave him his first gift.

"Ready?" She asks, popping the switch sitting underneath as he stares silently holding her work.

Their bunny's eyes light up in a low, blue glow from the tiny bulbs buried deep inside the canvas. Colson's heart stops. Reminding him exactly of the night they met.

"Holy fuck, it's beautiful." His heart explodes once it begins to beat again. "How the FUCK does she do this shit...." He thinks in admiration as he continues to look it over.

"Wow." Is all he can say as he stares at his gift.

Luna watches as Colson takes his time absorbing the new piece. Her soul gleaming as he excitedly points out all their little memories. Once he's fully taken it in and sets it down, Colson pulls her in with one strong arm by her waist. Giving her a meaningful kiss.

"You like?" Luna asks with soft eyes and a loving smile.

"I fucking LOVE." He easily declares.

"Cool." Luna smirks, replying just the same as before as she kisses him back and wraps her arms around his waist.

"Thank you." He tells her as he runs his long fingers along her wet skull until his large hands cradle her head.

Colson kisses Luna with a passionate gratitude. Dipping their naked bodies onto the bed, he slowly and sweetly makes love to her. Taking his time as he softly kisses her while overfilling her body with himself. Running her hands lightly along his body, Luna enjoys their tenderness.

"Oh SHIIIIT..." Luna lowly moans as he kindly gives them both exactly what they want.

Sighing contently, wrapped in each other Luna and Colson let their kisses linger on each other's lips. Genuine and truthful I Love Yous being passed between them as they enjoy their quiet, intimate moment together.

Finally gathering themselves, they proceed to burn and chatter together as usual while they get dressed. Colson still railing his preference of Adderall while Luna pops her own three percs. She's trying hard but the gaping hole that ripped her shoulder muscles in two REALLY fucking HURTS.

Colson's dressed in all black while Luna pulls on loose, ripped jeans and a white crop top. A red and black flannel loosely tied around her waist as her hair flows wildly with a touch of natural curl.

"Make sure you wear your ring tonight." Colson tells her as he pecks the top of her head.

"Always do..." Luna gives him a weird look as she tosses up both hands, wiggling her fingers to display each of her beloved rings.

"Fucking better." He taunts her, slapping and jiggling her ass cheek to her pleased giggles as they walk out of the bedroom.

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The Agora Ballroom is sold out and jam packed. Colson is putting on a special concert to debut Hotel Diablo in full to ONLY his hometown.

Everyone is there. Colson, Ashleigh and The Boys. Luna, Casie, Pete Ashley, Dom, Sam and Benny. Mod's there, so is Caroline and Noah. Trippie Redd, Naomi Wild and Lil Skies all coming through along with Phem to perform their features. Backstage easily overflowing with artists and friends as Dub and Johnny come trickling in with a few other long time Cleveland friends. Sporadic industry pals making their way around also.

"What's happenin', My Dude?" Colson happily greets his friend with a dap and huge hug.

"Nutten' man... Worken' on the album, taken' care of Baby Girl. You know how it be.... What's poppin' wit 'chu?" Dub asks nodding in Luna's direction.

"You talk to Slim, hunh?" Colson shakes his head with a grin.

"More than your bitch ass." He replies with a joking tone.

Colson can see Luna but with the crowded room it's hard to get her attention. "Thanks Tommy." He thinks, smiling to himself, knowing exactly how to grab her.

"Hold up." He tells Dub before cupping his mouth with is hands and hollering "BROOOOKLYYN!!"

"This man..." Luna's mind laughs as she looks for Colson. Catching his eye quickly, she smiles brightly at him. "FUCK, I love his stupid ass." Her brain continues to tease her as she makes her way towards him.

"What's up, Ya Nut?" She chuckles once she reaches him, standing on her tippy toes to kiss his lowered cheek.

"Kitten, this is one of my bestfriends Dub. Dub-O... My Bitch, Luna fucking Smith." Colson beams with pride as he introduces the two.

"It's so nice to finally meet you! The way Colson talks about you, I feel like I already kinda know you." Luna says warmly as Dub loosely accepts her hug.

"That's funny because he ain't told me shit about you." He answers her with a snide look at Colson.

"Oh. No pleasantries? Straight to the Gate? Aight. What's good?" Luna's tone changes immediately as she pops her chin out with her last words.

Colson starts to laugh when Dub's top lip snarls at her fierce response. Cocky in his own right, Dub doesn't hesitate to hit back.

"You tell me, seems you always got my boy caught up in some shit." He cuts.

"Excuse me?" Luna draws back with her eyebrows furrowed.

"What the fuck you talkin' about Dub-O?" Colson jumps in with a slight attitude, just as confused as Luna.

"The streets speak, Kells." Dub says turning to Colson. "Word is Eminem's gunnen' for you even harder after whatever YOUR bitch pulled in Detroit." He continues as he shoots a glare at Luna.

"Motherfucker, you're out 'chour mind." Luna laughs at him. "And your streets don't know SHI..."

Colson cuts her off before she can finish, questioning his friend "What the FUCK you talken' about, Dawg? Luna held shit down as always and fuck that little bitch ass pussy. Let him come see me. I'll fuck his punk ass up again." Colson spits out.

"Bunny, don't." Luna says as she slips her hand into Colson's, both knowing she's trying to hit that natural anxiety reducer. "Look, I don't know what you heard and honestly, I don't care because it ain't right." She says directly to Dub before looking up at Colson then back at him. "But you better believe..." Luna continues looking straight into Dub's eyes as she points at him with her free finger. "Imma give you a legit reason not to like me if you fuck up his night... Because bestfriends don't do that shit." Luna states coldly before grabbing Colson's chin, planting a solid kiss on the side of his jaw and stalking away.

"WHAT THE FUCK DUB-O?" Colson balks angrily.

"I had to see if she could hang." Dub smirks at Colson bewildered confusion. "Slim said she rides hard for you, I had to see how hard." He laughs lightly with a shrug.

"You're a fucking DickHead." Colson snickers once he realizes what his friends play was. "Yo, you better get correct with her, she ain't nothin' to be fuckin' wit." Colson begins to laugh as he shakes his head.

"I see... Something tells me she can take a joke though." Dub laughs louder with amusement along with his old friend as he Buddy Slaps on the back.

"Actually, her fucked up ass probably would appreciate your stupidity." Colson continues laughing as the two of them turn towards the BackStage madness.

Luna's grooving. She'd love for all of Colson's friends to like her but unlike him, she doesn't give a flying fuck if they do. Honestly, she could give a flying fuck if anyone likes her. The less people that like her, means the less people that she has to unwillingly talk to.

Oddly enough, she's a hypocritical social butterfly. Floating around as she hangs out with their friends and kindly introduces herself to Naomi, Trippie and Lil Skies. Meaningfully gushing and talking to each of them regarding their personal contribution to Hotel Diablo. Going as far to tease Trippie about his Plan B, yeah. She loves the whole album, how could she not express her adoration and appreciation towards their work on it.

"Kitten..." Colson calls for her.

"You're on in 20." Ashleigh says, trying to redirect him.

"Hold on." He says putting up his index finger. "BROOKLYN!!" He says a little louder catching her attention.

"Hmmm?" Luna asks once she reaches him.

"I FUCKING love-LOOOOVE YOU!! He declares as he wraps a long arm around her waist and plunks a heart felt kiss onto her lips.

"Love you, Bunny." Luna giggles in sheer content as she pulls him in for a tight lip lock. "Fuckin' kill 'em." She grins as she squeezes his ass and sends him OnStage.

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The Band had been teasing his unknowing fans all throughout June with Sex Drive as they waited for his set to begin. Those who had experienced it, make the connection immediately and are going wild. As Cara's voice floats over top of them, welcoming them to The Hotel Diablo, the venue erupts into an excited explosion.

Colson is electric and in rare form tonight. The success of his album finally sinking in has him running, dancing and jumping like an overexcited puppy.

Luna's SideStage with Casie, Ashley, Pete, Ashleigh, Sam, Dom and a few others kicking out the lyrics to El Diablo as they bounce to the contagious hit. Jumping and pumping their fists as they pass bottles of Jamison and rattle along with Colson.

🎶I KNOW//PEOPLE HATE ME//JUST BY MY APPEARANCE//YOU MOTHERFUCKERS//CAN'T BE SERIOUS//EH🎶

Luna and Ashleigh shout as they bop together and thrust their fists into the air. Dropping their curled hands as they continue spouting about throwing dice and keeping their circle tight. Spinning their fingers in the air as they groove and grin at each other laughing. Pete headlocks Luna making Ashley shove him as AJ opens up with Hollywood Whore. Stopping them all in their tracks as the sweet reminder of Chester radiates through their souls.

Riding the riff side by side, they recite the lyrics alongside Colson. Happily joining them is Mod, Noah, Caroline, Phem, Johnny and Dub. Whose intently watching Luna. There was only a half truth to his rudeness towards her. He don't trust THAT Bitch at all. He also hasn't spoken to Slim in a week either.

As the bass kicks in the group of them slam into each other. Luna holding Casie's hand and protecting her with her body as they continue to sing along and bash into one another. The crowd is insane. Shouting the chorus along with Colson as he raps about two faces trying to fit in to his world when there's no new space while wanting to get him to commit third degree murder. Undercover exposing those who tried to play him like a Hollywood Whore in the City of Danger. Watching Colson rip into his guitar makes Luna's nipples hard as her pussy begins to salivate for him. He's fucking hot. On and off stage.

Colson talks to his family about the relevance of the song as the main chords to Glass House lowly play behind him. He mentions how he misses too many of his friends. Chester, Nipsey, Mac... Too many to list. Luna can hear his voice break slightly as he asks the crowd to sing along with him and Naomi.

Luna doesn't sing. She can't. It's one of the many songs on this album that breaks her heart too much. Holding Casie against her, she wraps her arms around the little girl's shoulders as she tries to hold back her tears. The ballroom is shouting along with Naomi as she begs to be thrown into damn flames and to be buried with gold chains. Luna braces herself and Casie for the most gut wrenching part of the entire album.

🎶Lately//I've been sick of livin'//And nobody knows//How I'm really feelin'//I always hated to smile//But I keep//What is killing me//Hidden inside//I didn't sign up//To be the hero//But I don't want//To wind up a villain//I put my daughter to bed//Then attempted//To kill myself//In the kitchen//Yeah//I should've screamed//But//Nobody listenedSo I passed out//With the blood drippin'//In this glass house//Feelin' like a prison//Me and death//Keep tongue-kissin'//I just fell out//With my lil' bro//The life gettin' to us//The drink gettin' to us//The drugs gettin' to us//It's highway to hell//And everybody knew//What the fuck//Were we doin'?🎶

Colson runs the bars flawlessly. Luna can't help the tears that drop from her eyes as her breath shudders. The truth of his lyrics are too painfully as she holds Casie a little bit tighter. With her mind flashing back to Justin's blank eyes she can't help the range of emotions she feels while thinking of Casie dealing with Colson in the same situation. Luna closes her eyes as she holds the little girl close and wishes for the song to end.

It does. The context of the next song isn't any easier though as Burning Memories kicks in. Colson's words shattering Luna's heart into a million pieces. The recording is nothing compared to his live voice finally asking his mother how she could leave him for another. Luna can only slightly vibe with everyone else as they sing about him dying before he wakes. Lil Skies comes out to the crowd's cheers to ask for Love and Truth before Luna's soul flips with the liquor in her stomach as Colson sings along with his fans about their dark days coming in the summer. Feeling the rumble of their voices, Luna finds it both amazing and soul wrenching that the album only dropped this morning, yet almost the whole venue knows all of it's intimate words.

Ashleigh grabs Luna's loose hand as she watches the blood drain from her face and tears drop from her unknowing eyes. Her touch and Pete's voice asking about More Dracula as him and Colson laugh and recreate the skit OnStage pulls Luna back to her senses.

"You okay?" Ashleigh asks her friend with concern.

"Yeah... It's just harder to hear it live." Luna sighs.

"I know..." Ashleigh squeezes her hand.

The lead up beat to Floor 13 starts flowing through their blood and Luna is quickly out of her wicked head. Smiling at Ashley, they rapid fire the lyrics at each other along with Colson. Luna laughs when he mentions what will happen upon a physical run in and Casie's hands. Rocking her good shoulder into the tiny Baker, Luna grins at her. Shooting finger guns at each other as they let off with her daddy.

🎶I heard that//They call me//Yeeeah//Let 'em in//I got somethin'//For 'em//Yeeeeah//Please forgive my sins//Blood on my//Ralph Laureeen//I can't wash this shit//Wake up//Say//Good morninnnn//Like I forgot🎶

Laughing, Luna swings Casie around from behind after singing the chorus together. Whispering Hotel Diablo along with her ASMR into her ear with a giggle. Casie cheeses while squealing and squirming out of Luna's grasp. Grabbing Pete and Ashleigh's hands as her dad kicks into Roulette.

This is Luna's favorite song on the album. She happily dances, sings and raps along with Noah, Mod, Ashley and everyone else about that Mothafucken' Rida Music. Sliding her thumb along her latest gift, Luna keeps her body rolling as she drags the double X along it's shiny string. Her and Noah grinning at one another as they share another bottle of Jamison and ask the other how many times they're gonna play with death before their 30yrs old. Cause they're chosen.

Things lighten up as The Boys joke around about Baze being Truck Norris. They were so fucked up the night Slim drunkenly tried to compare him to Family Guy skit with Chuck Norris's beard that none of them would have even remembered if it wasn't recorded. It's Benny's laugh that highlights the inside joke placed track, bringing a much needed lightness to the heavy album.

Naomi comes back in as her voice haunts the crowd. Taunting them as she sings about death in her pocket and how she feels so alive. Luna and Casie are holding hands again as they recite the lyrics along with Colson as he reminisces about him and Slim trappen'. Before he can mention his worry about passing down his addictive genes Sam scoops Casie up from behind. With so many people SideStage, this is the first time Sam has been able to make her way over to her smaller friend.

"What up, Homie!!" Sam laughs as she kisses Casie on the side of the cheek.

"SAMMY!!" Casie shouts excitedly as she turns to hug the dark haired drummer.

"I missed YOU!" Sam exclaims as she sprinkles kisses all over Casie's face. "I got you something..." She says as she digs in her pocket.

Candy is floating through the back Luna's mind as she watches Sam present Casie with three small band pins. "Who is this person?" She laughs to herself. "I wonder if this is how it felt with me..." She thinks of how six months ago she wouldn't have touched a child with a 10ft pole but now couldn't imagine not loving Casie. "Life is so fucking weird..."

"Shit Loons, I'm so sorry!" Ashleigh interupts her thoughts. "You're on in like 10 and I know you're not dressed."

"5:3666 is up after this, then me?" Linda asks as she hears Colson's opening chords to I Think I'm Okay.

"Yeeeeah..." Ashleigh answers sheepishly.

"Fuck it, how do I look because I'm not missing this song." Luna grins as she displays herself to Colson's manager.

"Great as always." She sighs out a laugh of honest relief.

"Then let's FUCKING GOOO!!" Luna shouts, grabbing her hand.

Pulling Ashleigh along, she rallies Casie, Sam and Ashley. Easily pushing their way to front right stage. Holding hands, jumping and screaming along with Colson, Dom and their fans, the group of girls rage.

🎶Watch me//Take a good thing//And fuck it all up//In one night//Catch me//I'm the one on the run//Away from the headlights//No sleep//Up all week//Wasting time//With people I don't like//I think//That something's//FUCKING wrong with me🎶

Everyone goes ballistic as Dom sings his solo. The venue is throbbing as they continue to rip through the pop punk song. Dropping their guitars, both boys jump into the ocean of waiting hands as they continue to sing together.

Climbing back OnStage, they grab their guitars again. Finishing out the song with multiple layered, intense GoodNights. The voices singing along with them so powerful, Luna swears she can feel the stage shake.

"Give it up for my brother, YungBlud!!" Colson shouts to the crowd's roars.

Phem joins The Band OnStage. Her moody voice wrapping around Colson's equally dark lyrics perfectly. His EST Fam chanting word for word with him. There is not one person in that building who isn't a Machine Gun Kelly fan. As the song comes to an end the ASMR of Luna and Colson in the studio plays over the speakers, making the walls shake in anticipation.

Dub continues to watch Luna as she swigs the bottle once more before disappearing. Like most people, he's not quite sure what he thinks of her.

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"Meh... Ash and Case seem to like her and she definitely ain't a member of The Slut Squad...." Dub thinks to himself while observing Luna. "Maybe she ain't as bad as Slim made her out to be.... She definitely got an attitude." He chuckles to himself. "Kells needs that though. Fuck... I don't know... who am I to judge.... Especially if Case and Ash bang wit her... Guess we just gonna have to see..." Dub decides as he watches Luna head OnStage.

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They start off as they have the many times before. Luna opening up delicately at the piano before Colson leads her out and The Boys kick in heavy behind them. Slaying his guitar, he raps about giving one another life while suffocating in the other's kiss. Bouncing around the stage, buzzing and teasing one another while promising each other how they'll want them forever and take them where ever.

🎶I'm just a LunaTic//With her Gunn//When we're together//Bad Things happen//The way you touch me//Is better than ecstasy//When we're not together//I still feel you//Coursing through me🎶

Luna and Colson hit the second chorus again together as Rook slams into his kit and Colson continues to shred his guitar. He tosses it SideStage as he joins her for last few verses. Pulling her in close as their bodies rock together and rush for the other. Grabbing her hand The Band drops away as they harmonize the last lyrics together.

🎶I'm all in//There is no maybe🎶

As they finish, Colson twirls her out. Letting go of her hand, Luna stops. Drops her head back with her arms at different angles and pops one knee. The response to their performance is volcanic. The crowd erupting for an ENCORE as the lights begin to go down.

Colson can't hear them, just his one thought. "I am going to FUCK the shit outta her..." His mouth salivating as he scoops her up to invade her willing mouth.

"You're so fucking hot." He pants as he continues to kiss her. "I wanna run an encore for El Diablo. What do you think? We'll get everybody OnStage?"

"Fuck YEAH!" Luna agrees kissing him back. "You tell The Boys, I'll grab everyone else." She grins.

"I fucking LOVE YOU." Colson tells her with a light laugh as he kisses her once more before they seperate for their missions.

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Word Limit 1 of 2

To be continued....

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