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heartlilith · 6 months

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My Placements and How They Manifest

Capricorn Ascendent:

My mother told me that when she gave birth to me, it was worse than my other 3 other siblings by far. She had to be induced because there was no sign of me wanting to come out into the world (lol). She said she was in labor for hours and when I finally came out, she started hemorrhaging. It wasn't fatal obviously because she's alive today but yeah, I kind of associate that with my Capricorn rising. Still to this day, change is very uncomfortable for me especially if I have no control over what's happening. My childhood was great until my mom divorced my dad and remarried, that's when shit went south! I had new siblings, a stepfather, and had to see my dad heartbroken while also battling melanoma and being laid off (2008 recession). My sister stayed with him and I went with my mom. They were always fighting and spiting each other but it was my sister and I that missed out. It was always "what is your father saying about me?" yada yada yada. Growing up, I was bullied by my sister a lot, in my opinion, it was more than the usual sibling fights. My mom also took a lot of her anger out on me; she ended up getting a divorce not too long after remarrying, became an alcoholic and filed for bankruptcy. Being a Capricorn rising and dealing with the backlash of that, I always have money saved, ALWAYS. I'm like a squirrel hiding nuts I stg. If I'm completely broke I'm an anxious mess. It's also why I strive to be independent and self sufficient. It's why I manifest being filthy rich. High school was terrible tbh and I battled with depression and anxiety. College was a lot better and moving away from my mom and chaotic family did me well, I went from a 2.6 GPA in high school to 3.85 in college. Rereading this it sounds kinda like a sob story and that's not what I'm trying to accomplish so I'm just going to move on.

1st House Neptune, Uranus, Lilith:

I made a separate post either on here or Reddit about how my features have changed so much over the years. As a child, my hair was blonde then it turned blonde/red in late elementary school. Since then, it's turned darker and darker through the years. Now it's dark brown. My eyes were dark blue as a child and now they're light green - I attribute this to Uranus and Neptune being on my Ascendent. In my opinion, I'm not photogenic at all (Cap rising?) and I think I look different in every picture I take or is taken of me. With Lilith being in my first house, I was sexualized a lot growing up by older guys/men. And also bullied by boys my age; I remember they thought I was "too girly". Guys, I shit you not after I had enough of it, I started showing up with boy shorts and those tank tops guys wear HAHAHA to be more of a "tomboy"... I'm not really sure what that is but yeah, I must've been 10 or 12 or something. People would always say "it's because they have a crush on you/because they like you!" and I would be so confused. Nowadays, I think I rub some people, specifically men, the wrong way and they dislike me for "no reason", or maybe they have a reason but they never come out and say it. My Uranus in the 1st shows up as being quirky I guess? I'm not really sure. Maybe it's that my parents were never disciplinary at all, I could do whatever I wanted. At the time I loved it but deep down I think I wanted to them to care, so I would act more and more reckless. Today, maybe that sets me apart. One last thing about Neptune/Uranus in the 1st is that I can't stand to see people treating people/animals/or what have you, the wrong way. I can't even watch Youtube videos of animals starting off abused... even if the videos end with them being happy and healthy, I CAN'T DO IT. It deeply disturbs me.

Side Note (1st House Lilith):

As a small child I was obsessed with being naked all the time and skinny dipping LMFAO like it was a problem. Luckily there were no creeps and I was fine but would this placement indicate that in anyway? Let me know because it doesn't really fit with my Capricorn rising.

(I'm really sorry this post is so long and detailed I think I'm having word vomit)

Virgo Moon:

As a child I was really reserved and "chill". I already talked about my relationship with my mom and she was critical and whatever. One thing that sticks out about this placement is that she would always push the idea on me to "stay pure" and to "stay innocent", especially when I was a teen. Always pushing this on me. Always telling her friends I was "naive" and yeah maybe I was in a sense. I don't know it's weird how that fits. My mom wasn't all bad though. She definitely had many faults but she was a great mom in certain aspects. Growing up, I realized she's just a human like me, with problems of her own. I don’t hold it against her. Today, my Virgo moon makes me sooo anxious and worrisome. I definitely see the negative qualities it brings but the good qualities out weigh them. I love buying people gifts and I'm a great gift giver if I do say so myself. With my Capricorn rising and Virgo moon, I hate PDA and it can be hard for me to be lovey dovey (even with all my Leo), so I show love by buying gifts - kind of like my dad. My parents were never there for me emotionally but they bought me great gifts hahaha, I guess that's why. Also I tend to "mother" my partners; I do their laundry, do the cleaning, make their doctor appointments, and take care of them in a sense - like my mom did for me. Writing this out I can now see why I am the way I am lol.

Moon square Jupiter, Pluto, and Saturn:

Ooooff. Well I won't dive into it too much. I will say it affects my mental health greatly and I've had a lot of trouble in that department. My Moon square Jupiter really makes my moods go up and down. Like high highs and low lows for sure. I try to look at it positively even though it's hard sometimes. Having the high highs brings out my inner child (Jupiter in the 5th). When I'm happy I'm really happy and giggling and silly. And of course the flip side is low low :( But I like the high highs so I deal. Also with this, I tend to avoid being sad at all costs. All costs. I'm a true escape artist when it comes to emotions. With Pluto and Saturn squaring my Moon, I am infact a MOODY BITCH. LOL, hey at least I can admit it. It brings intrusive thoughts, obsessive thinking, insecurity, and guilt with it too - all that great stuff. Moving on.

Cancer Mercury:

I like my Cancer Mercury a lot, even though it's paired with my all my Leo placements which can make me a ~smidge~ dramatic. I wasn't the best student in high school but I did take the hardest English courses they offered, which in hindsight saved my GPA lol. In college, I studied English with a concentration in creative writing. I mostly wrote and studied poetry which I loved so much. I'm a great listener and if I could write an advice column I would. I love how my Cancer Mercury makes me empathetic and how I'm able to put myself in anyone's shoes. One negative about this placement is that I get hurt easily (paired with Leo Sun and Virgo Moon esp), but I won't let you know I'm hurt, I'll just get angry and mean. I don't like that about myself and I wish I was more vulnerable in that aspect but it's easier to be angry than sad... right?

Leo Venus and Mars:

After talking about all the above placements, my Leo side is definitely my ray of sunshine in a way. I feel like with my Virgo Moon and the aspects it makes, it kinda settles my Leo ego. That's not to say I don't have an ego, I definitely do... just look at this post it's all about meee :) I have pictures of when I was 3-6 years old and flexing my muscles hahaha and I thought I was so strong I would go around and show everyone that I could pick my mom and older sister up. So weird. Other than that, when I dislike someone I tend to go on rant for awhile about everything I dislike about them. My least favorite thing is when someone makes me feel inferior or small, that will put me on 10 easily. I don't get mad all that much, it takes a lot but when I do get mad, I see red. Maybe cause I have Mars at 0 degrees. I do get over things quickly though, emotionally anyway, but I do hold a grudge. Also yesss, I have Leo hair. It's long and thick and hard to manage. Growing up, my mom would never let me color or cut it and I'm kinda glad now looking back on it.

8th house Moon & Venus:

This is why I hold grudges hahaha. In my opinion, the 8th house can be hard to understand/put into words until you experience it (in synastry, transit, natal, etc), then you just know. With Venus here, every person I'm romantically involved with transforms me but also takes a piece of me as well. In my experience with the 8th house, you can gain a lot of good things but it comes with a price. Whether its a mix of my placements or just these placements specifically, love really hurts! Break ups have put me in dark dark places. When I do love someone, I want to merge with them, like become "one" if that makes sense. So when it comes to an end, I have a huge hole left. In my life, this has manifested as when I ran away from home to a different state and ghosted my family and friends just to get back together with my boyfriend, all on a whim. I'd give it all up for someone I love. With Virgo Moon being in my 8th house, my anxiety mixes with my obsessive behavior which manifests as dermotillamania. I struggle with it so bad. I'm working on it but yeah that's kinda interesting looking from an astrological sense. Moon in the 8th house gives me great intuition though... I'm always right about the vibes. But this comes at the cost of feeling things extremely deeply.

Scorpio MC:

This is another placement that I like about my chart because my Capricorn rising makes me come off as intimidating and my MC makes people see me as powerful and mysterious. I don't know if people actually see me this way but even it being a possibility gives me like Olivia Benson vibes. I love her. Anyway, one thing I will say is I don't have social media anymore and haven't for years (besides Tumblr and Reddit) because I really value my privacy. I don't like people knowing things about me unless I decide to share it with them, even small things. Tumblr and Reddit are okay in my mind because I don't know anyone in real life. But even this post I'm already thinking of deleting and I haven't even posted it yet lol. When I did have social media, I would overshare and then delete the post an hour later. I was always deleting pictures and revamping my aesthetic. I became obsessed with likes and comments and scrolling that it was too much and I didn't like the power it had over me. Something else that I think manifests from my MC is that I love psychology, astrology, and things that tie into personalities.

5th house Jupiter & Saturn:

It always confused me on how to interpret having Saturn, the planet of limitations and responsibility, and Jupiter, the planet of expansion and luck, in the same house. I thought that they canceled each other out in a way, or level each other out... is a better way of putting it. I actually messaged @astrosky33 and asked how they interpret it. Her (?) answer was interesting and made a lot of sense. Jupiter and Saturn in the same house gives off both energies at the same time (why didn't I think of that? lol). So for the 5th house, in terms of my hypothetical kids, I would be a parent that has fun and is silly but also strict in some ways and responsible. One way Saturn in my 5th house manifests is that I don't want to do anything creative unless I feel it's productive in some way, which I don't like about myself. Meaning, I don't want to read a book if the genre is fantasy, I would rather read non-fiction or a self help book; something that I can learn from. Also, I really like hobbies where I can produce something, like making candles or making spell jars. If I can make money from a hobby that I love then even better. Jupiter in the 5th house manifests as being child-like and also loving kids. If things are going well and I'm happy, then I can be excited and goofy like a child. If things aren't going well, then I can throw a tantrum like a child. I love kids because my early childhood was the best time of my life before life hit me upside the head (lol). This past Halloween, I made goodie bags for the trick or treaters and got so excited when the doorbell rang. I don't know, I just want to protect kids and shield them from the bad in the world. Kids, out of everyone, deserve to be happy.

Sun sextile Jupiter:

Things tend to work out for me, well, as of lately anyway. I struggled a lot growing up and I was always wishing my life were different. I couldn't wait to leave home. Now, I have a boyfriend who I love very much and we live very comfortably. I have a great job and I am so much happier than I was before. Of course, life isn't always perfect and there are problems at every turn. I wish I could go back in time and tell 15 year old me that everything is going to be okay, more than okay actually. I have a dog and two kittens who I love very much and I'm very fortunate to have the life that I do. I try to stay positive because there's no point in being negative and sulking all the time. Plus, you never know what can happen so be thankful for what you have, even if in your eyes, it isn't enough. I believe in being nice to people, you never know how far one act of kindness can go. Lord knows I needed it during some pretty tough times in my life.

Venus square Saturn (TW: Eating disorder, drug use, phobias):

Going back to having fear of abandonment and being uncomfortable with PDA... well here is the culprit. Or some of the culprit. Since Venus is in my 8th house, I feel like this aspect plays into my fear of my family dying, more specifically, my parents. Whenever I visit home and I see they look a little older, move a little slower, I get really sad. Their birthdays are supposed to be for celebrating but I can't help but get sad. It takes over me and I obsess about what I'm going to do when the day comes and they're not here anymore. I put on a brave face though and I buy them nice gifts and send flowers on holidays... but it's always in the back of my mind. This aspect also manifests as having low self esteem and growing up this was very prevalent. I didn't care about myself at all; I did drugs, I put myself into bad situations that I get anxiety just thinking about what could've happened. I had an eating disorder, dated boys that were awful. I'm fortunate that I made it out okay. I still have insecurities today but during that time in my life it was so intense because even as a teen without this aspect, you deal with insecurities. It was like double trouble.

If you read this far, thank you. I hope it was semi-interesting and Im really curious to know what you guys think. Should I make a part 2? I’m feeling a little “out there” by posting this so I hope it's not too much. Thanks again for taking the time to read this.

(let me know what you think!)

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good-beans · 3 months

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This is depressing but I have a HC that Fuuta’s mother had died shortly after she and his father divorced, and his dad never told him nor his sister about it.

HEY. HEYYYYY. 😭 I GUESS I’LL JUST CRY THEN

From a thematic standpoint this makes me crazy because one of Fuuta’s big themes is invasion of privacy (stalking/doxxing someone and now being afraid of prying eyes) – so such a major gap in information is extra painful. It would be so easy for him to look her up and find out what happened! He could have the whole story in a few minutes, with a few clicks! But he doesn’t, and his father knew he wouldn’t. Whatever happened between her and the Kajiyama family was bad enough that Fuuta refuses to look into her at all. It’s clear he’s emotionally avoidant, and it’d make sense that he avoids any thoughts of her after she’s gone. This makes his interrogation question even more heartbreaking, since he’s finally facing his emotions head-on, no matter how painful they may be. He’s finally growing and changing and ready to admit to his failures/needs, and it’s waaaay too late.

On the other hand, you mentioned a version where she dies while he's in Milgram, neither of them aware of what's happening to the other. I am so emotional about the prisoners’ families on the outside ;---;

Even if they aren’t great support systems, it breaks my heart thinking of them worrying themselves sick over their loved one’s sudden disappearance. I don’t think Yuno’s family knew about her nighttime activities, but either way their young daughter is gone and there’s so many horrible possibilities it could have been. If the Kusunoki parents heard that Muu’s friend was stabbed and their teen daughter was missing, what awful conclusions must they come to about her getting killed/kidnapped? Shidou’s relatives and coworkers hear about the accident, and then never hear back from him. They know what kind of mindset he was in, and know what that means. Similarly, when Mahiru’s family hears her boyfriend’s body was recovered after a suicide, and no one has heard from their daughter, there’s really one likely outcome. Mikoto promises to come home, but he never shows. His sister cries reading reports of bloody murders at the train station where he makes his daily commute. Kotoko’s family (and maybe Lucky herself) know that she got involved with a powerful family accused of kidnapping. So when she’s gone without a trace, they must be wracked with grief that they finally got their revenge.

All that to say, Fuuta’s family is equally heartbroken when their son, just having turned twenty a few days ago, doesn’t make it home to celebrate. His mother gets her first call from the family in years, and instead of good news, they tell her that her little boy is gone. I don’t know how you pictured her dying, but if she was in a bad state now, this could definitely be the thing that pushes her over the edge. Now, when Fuuta returns to his life, he’ll discover another death that happened “because” of him. Even if his father and sister don’t blame him for disappearing, I can’t imagine him shrugging off that guilt so easily…

In conclusion. OUCH.

#milgram #fuuta kajiyama #and most of the others mentioned #(i didnt name everyone but i think it applies to all of them)#WAAHH thank you im SAD ;----;#i am unwell about that question where he says he wants to see his mom #hes young!!!! freshly 20!!!! he both would miss his parents/be immediately missed if disappearing like that #so to have her die before he can see her again??? to finally be ready to accept her love and its too late???#its always too late for him.....#posts that make me inconsolable over milgram characters #tw suicide

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urg1rlfri3nd · 2 months

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4*town headcanons

Here is part 1 of my 4*town headcanons (finally) for my 4*town story on @orch1dsworld. I hope y'all like it and enjoy 🤗 (Slight angst warning)

Jesse James O'Connell

Jesse's birthday is June 22nd, 1976 which makes him 26 years old. Jesse's Irish and American. Jesse was born with dark brown hair but dyed it in 1988 due to not liking how his eye color and brown hair looked together.

Jesse's an only child but has a very supportive mom, Emily, that never made him feel alone (most of the time at least). Jesse's dad, Rowan, was there but not really there. Rowan would go out a lot and barely paid Jesse any attention unless he needed something from Jesse like favors.

Rowan and Emily got into a huge argument over Jesse in 1983, it ended in Rowan leaving and Emily in tears. Jesse wanted to help his mom get over his dad but couldn't due to how young he was. Emily was severely damaged from this since she was now a single, heartbroken mom with no help. Emily's mom was a very successful business woman, but didn't care about Emily due to the fact that Emily couldn't have kids. Emily's dad was kia during his stay in North Korea for the military.

As Jesse grew up, he realized that he had a broken home and family. His mom was depressed all the time and he didn't have any other family members, so he was basically alone. He figured that if he wanted a happy-go-lucky family that would always be joyful then he would have to make one of his own.

In 1993 he got into a relationship with this girl named Ana and they even graduated high school in 1994 together as a couple. They got married when they were 19, 1995, and were happy for the start of their married lives. They got an apartment together and even got jobs at the same restaurant. Jesse's mom was okay with Ana but Jesse's grandma didn't like the girl one bit, sensed that there was something off about her. Jesse ended up ignoring his grandma after that because he thought that Ana was an angel and so did his mom.

Jesse went to college for a Bachelor in Fine Arts but Ana thought college was for people with nothing better to do. At the age of 20 (1996) they had their first kid, Justin. At the age of 22 (1997) they had their second kid, August. Jesse had to drop out of college to help take care of their kids. They were both excited and truly loved each other, but one day Ana changed.

Ana refused to help Jesse take care of their kids, but she refused to let Jesse spend time with them because she felt as if Jesse was "not doing his job right". She even went out to party with her friends most nights. This went on for one year until Jesse had enough.

In late 1998 they had a huge argument about it and it ended in them both wanting a divorce. Ana wanted custody of both of their kids (for the benefits) but Jesse wanted them both to have equal custody. They went to court and they were both granted equal custody over their kids.

Ana moved out and took both of their kids with her. Jesse could see them but only on the weekends. Jesse found out about the auditions for a boy band, he was 23 at the time. He knew he could sing and auditioned, and to Jesse's surprise, he got in.

Fast forward to present day (2002) and Jesse is now 26, one of his kids is 5 and the other is 3. He is still in 4*town but Ana hates it and recently dropped off their kids to him. Now Jesse has to watch them while also dealing with the band. Emily wants to help watch Jesse's kids but Jesse doesn't wanna burden his mom with his choices. His grandma found out about what happened and ended up bragging about how she was right. Jesse apologized to her and now they're on good terms...mostly. As for Emily and her mom's relationship, it's still rocky, but Emily tries to fix it when she can.

#4town #4townie #jesse 4town #4town headcanons #jesse headcanons

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exilae-moved · 1 year

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NOW INTRODUCING: AUDREY EVANS, EX-CAPTAIN OF THE W.ISKAYOK HIGH YELLOWJACKETS –––

stats:

full name: audrey marie evans birthdate: april 3rd, 1979 ( aries ) parents: danielle myers & carl evans ( divorced ) height: 5'10 sexuality: lesbian

bio:

audrey began playing soccer when she was three years old, & picked it up fairly quick. it became a passion of hers, & starting in middle school she had a dream of playing for duke university when she got older. her freshman year of high school she tried out for the varsity soccer team, something she was discouraged from doing, however... her strengths outshined most of the older girls & she in fact made varsity. she continued on the varsity team her sophomore year, & at the end of that year, she was voted captain of the team for her upcoming junior year of high school.

throughout her sophomore year, audrey started to develop severe pain in her joints, however she kept it quiet to avoid any judgement or fear from her teammates. audrey was the top goal scorer, & a very vital asset. she would have times where her hip joint would lock in place & she would have to " pop it " back into a moveable position.

in the summer of 1994, her parents told her they would be getting a divorce, & her father would be moving back to his home state of south carolina. this devastated audrey, but she pretended it didn't, & kept her opinion on the situation fairly quiet. instead she started working out more, putting her heart more into soccer... but this came with a price. her joints were causing her constant pain, & the subluxations of her joints were coming more & more often.

when the school year started, audrey began having dizzy spells. she told her mom who was a nurse, but danielle was struggling with depression following the divorce & just suggested that audrey start taking iron supplements, which she did. when the soccer season started, before their second game, audrey stood up from the benches in the locker room to give her team a pep talk, but before she could say anything, she fainted & was rushed to the hospital where she was diagnosed with POTS. the doctors said it was manageable & taught her how to manage it. she only told her coach & none of her teammates as she didn't want them to lose faith in her.

at their third game, however, audrey was running & misstepped... leading to a dislocation of her left knee. she was rushed back to the hospital & her mother begged her to tell the doctors anything that was going on. audrey was diagnosed with hyper mobile joints & fibromyalgia. her mom set up a meeting with her coach & her father flew in to discuss audrey's future on the soccer team. her coach asked her to step down from being an opener ( idk soccer terms ) & as captain. audrey was heartbroken & jackie t.aylor took her place.

audrey fell into a depression & started struggling with school. she spent the summer of 1995 at her dad's house & spent time with her extended family. while this was a relief for her, when she went back to wiskayok for her senior year, she found herself heartbroken. she stayed a part of the team, in more of a support role ( c.oach ben saw how this affected her & asked her if she wanted to assist in coaching with m.isty... at first she said no, but her mom encouraged her to do it for the purposes of college applications & trying to better her daughter's mental health ).

when nationals came around, she did not want to go, however coach, coach ben & her mom encouraged her to support her team. at this point, she hardly talked to any of the team members... she found it too difficult ( although she used to be close with t.ai & l.ottie ). even on the plane, she sat by herself, with her headphones in, ignoring everyone...

then the plane crashes.

audrey is thrust into the team once more as they all try to survive. outside of small interjections of her opinion on situations, she still remains more of a loner. at this time, she also slightly resents coach ben for encouraging her to get on the plane. when they make it to the cabin, she realizes she only brought enough of her pain medication and salt tablets for a week... this causes her to isolate herself more, to which tai notices & she explains her fears & situations.

throughout the experience of being in the wilderness, audrey really struggles with pain & depression.

in terms of her feelings towards l.ottie & the " wilderness " at first, audrey is conflicted. she struggles as she recognizes that the best she ever felt with her POTS & her pain was following the snackie-jackie situation. idk much more besides that in regards to at what point she starts participating in l.ottie's circles & the prayer rituals, but she does indeed support / participate in the hunt.

will she live? find out after thursday lol. i have something in mind that, if it happens in the episode, then she will live, & if it doesn't, then she's the next one hunted after n.at / j.avi.

#* ( 𝔈 ) · audrey evans : headcanon #medical /#divorce /#plane crash /#ask to tag /#she is my new baby of whom i love

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berryscaryskies · 2 years

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the lil sweet pea herself!

-Perdita Boudreaux is a little bit of an Airhead, she spends most of her time with her head in a book and fantasizing about love. And she's pretty much always been like this! having her head in the clouds and the unescapable infamy of her father (and her mother's family too tbh) made it kinda hard to make friends for a really long time. After her dad scaring off one too many potential friends Perdita, not having a ton of common sense, decided the only option was to run away to somewhere far from her family legacy. So obvi she moved to an old family vacation home in Copperdale that her dad once took her too while hiding out during the divorce.

-Not story related, but I had actually considered having a mini rags to riches thing going on for 9th gen, but by the time Perdita was a fleshed out character it just didn't seem like something she'd do. It made more sense to me that she'd "run away" but go somewhere cozy and luxurious that her dad actually still has full access too. In fact I found Adriel coming over constantly without invitation to be rather funny. In Perdita's mind she's run away and is now having to fend for herself somewhere far away, but in reality her parents are fully aware of where she is and generally helping her stay afloat even if they aren't communicating with her much atm.

-Copperdale is one of Perdita's favorite places in the world, she loves the small town energy and the peer is generally one of her favorite places to people watch and just sit down to write and work on her novels, she also loves the library. She has all her dates there because Thrift Tea is too popular and she doesn't like the crowds. She actually had a bunch of fun romance shenanigans.

-so you see Perdita to start off with trying to make as many possible friends as she could upon entering Copperdale high, finally away from the family name she thought it was the perfect chance for people to get to know her. The core friend group though consisted of Pierce, Cora, Anne, and Keon. Keon and Cora are a year above the rest of them and as such age out of high school a bit sooner. Anne for most of high school is fairly distant due to depression. Cora has feelings for Anne but Anne honestly doesn't even really talk to Cora much or know about this until she's already gotten with Perdita. Perdita and Anne start as friends but eventually start developing feelings for each other, this is slow and takes the entirety of high school to work out.

-The you've got the boys, Keon is Perdita's first boyfriend, they actually met at the library rather than at school and because of this Perdita was absolutely smitten with him. He's sweetheart, but she was always way more into him than he was into her. Plus the slight age gap and this difference in how invested they each were in the relationship is what eventually led to their break up right before prom. Meanwhile you've got Pierce! Pierce has been Perdita's very best friend since the first day of school, she became incredibly close to him very quick and views him as a bit of a brother to her. He was the only one who knew she was living by herself at first. Little did she know that Pierce actually had developed feelings for her and was utterly heartbroken when she first got with Keon. And, ya know, not willing to admit to his crush to anyone he wound up developing a sort of one-sided disdain for Keon. It certainly didn't help matters that it was Pierce she'd go to whenever Keon would stand her up on dates or reject her advances.

-Pierce eventually got over his crush on Perdita, and is the only one that her and Anne remain close to outside of High School. Seeing as Perdita doesn't want much to do with Keon anymore and Cora skeeved Anne out from asking her out multiple times after she got with Perdita. He even helped with the conception of Lovely once the two were looking towards having another kid(Minks counts as their first one imo).

-Speaking of Anne she is so interesting, cuz literally throughout all of high school she was sad because her PARENTS DIED, and they left her with a toddler to take care of!!!! And to make it worse even way later once Anne moves in with Perdita she is constantly getting new notifications about someone having died, whether that be an aunt or uncle or some older person she was friends with for some reason. Its honestly nonstop deaths for Anne, to the point where despite only being a Young Adult she has a fear of death!! poor girl, Perdita's always there for support.

-Perdita and Anne pretty much raised Minks together, she's trans and honestly kind of emo, but she's also a very warm person and surprisingly takes after Perdita quite a bit with her love of books. Unlike Perdita though she loves being outside and is a little scared of the dark so really enjoys sitting outside in the sunlight all day. I adore Minks she's such a pretty sim.

-It was actually growing closer to Anne and Minks early into their relationship that convinced Perdita to reach back out to her dad. Leandro was a bit sad to have seen the ways his darling daughter had grown up without him during this period of time, but more than that he's happy to be able to be in her and Lovely's lives. He even gets along rather well with Minks and appreciates Anne for having brought them back together.

Perdita, Anne, and Minks

#shadow moon #my sims #my art

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likeachampion · 5 months

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I need to ask a question. But before I ask this question I need to add some context. So I’m gonna rant a bit.

Four years ago my dad left our family. More specifically he had an affair and left to be with his mistress and her children. Of course my mum, siblings (I have four siblings) and I were all very heartbroken. One of the last things I heard my dad say was that he had always wanted to leave but felt guilty because we were all so young and that now we were older we did not need him anymore. Now, my sister at the time was living with her partner, my brother and other sister were frequently coming and going and my younger brother locked himself in his room. While I don’t blame them in the slightest this meant that the majority of the time I was left with my mum. And in the beginning it was hard. There would be times that she wouldn’t get out of bed. Times I spent consoling her as she cried. Times when she completely broke down on the ground and other much more dark times when she voiced wanting to die or kill herself. This as I’m sure you can imagine was incredibly painful to witness. I love my mother dearly, we are very close and she has always helped me through my own personal issues. So along with the sadness came anger.

Growing up, especially when I was in high school, I suspected that my dad may have been cheating. There would be times when his phone would come up with messages that clearly was not from my mother. Times when I would be looking for something at his desk and he had left his email open. Times when I would hear him arguing with my mum about someone. However I dismissed these signs as I didn’t want them to be true. I thought to myself that if my mother knew about it (which she did) there must be a reason behind her not saying anything. So I stayed quiet. And acted like normal, although my relationship with my dad became much more strained. Especially since my dad never really… understood me? I’m a highly sensitive and emotional person. I’ve had anxiety and depression since a young age and I continue to struggle with this. And my dad is not an emotional person. He finds it very hard to empathise with people, not to mention his casual racism, sexism and homophobia. As such I’ve had issues with connecting with him.

Anyways, as time went on other things started to come out. I think because my mother had kept it secret for so long occasionally she would burst and tell me things.

Like the time when she and my dad worked at the same company. They were married expecting I believe was my sister (the first child) and my dad was dating another woman in the office. Then shortly after my brother was born my dad left to be with another woman. My mother suffered from postpartum depression. Which she was left to deal with alone with my very young sister and my new born brother. Or the time shortly after I myself was born and my mum and grandfather took us away on a trip. My dad said he had to work. Turns out he had taken his then gf away on holiday. There was also the time my dad gave $40,000 I believe, to a woman he met online. I don’t think I need to tell anyone that it was actually a scam. He told my aunt and grandmother (his sister and mother) that my mum was the one who lost the money (additional note: we are not rich people, we lived in a run down house) that money was saved up to try to fix it.

Long story short my dad has had multiple affairs during his thirty year marriage with my mum. That doesn’t even include the other shitty things he did like try to steal $200,000 out of his mothers account by forging her name. Or the time he tired to punch my mums sister and mother because they rang him during his mother’s birthday lunch because I (a baby) wouldn’t stop crying and they didn’t know what to do. My mums dad literally had to restrain him.

Back to the present. It’s been four years now since my mum and dad got divorced. During this time I did not see my dad. Communication was limited to text. I want to make it clear that I wanted it this way. Like I previously mentioned, along with the sadness came anger, especially the more I learnt about my dad’s actions. This meant a lot of angry texts. But a part of what made me even angrier was the denial. I got lots of I’m sorrys. But no admission that what he did was wrong. There were even times when he told me he didn’t know where all my anger and hurt was coming from. That “it didn’t happen to me” it “had nothing to do with me” it “happened to your mother not you”. My personal favourite was when he told me I was angry because I was unhappy with my own life.

This all came to a head this weekend. It was my brother’s wedding (wooo). My dad brought his gf and her children. Now for most of the night I was able to ignore and avoid both him and her. Until the end. Most people had left and I had had maybe one too many cocktails. I saw her getting up to leave. But I didn’t want her to leave without having told her how I felt. So I did. At least I tried, my rant was cut short by the appearance of my brother which she used to slip away. Then my dad appears asking me what’s wrong. I tell him to never let her appear before me again. To which he replies: that happened four years ago. You need to let it go. He then went on to say I was not the only victim. (Another note: my dad thinks of himself as a victim of a loveless marriage). At this point my brother escorts him out.

I apologised to my brother and his wife. I realise that it was not the time or place to go on a rant and that I shouldn’t have done it. I feel guilt and shame that I did.

Fast forward to the next morning. I wake up to a text from my aunt (my dad’s sister) she tells me that I need to let everything go. That I need to forgive and forget otherwise I will stay a bitter person. She then suggests I see a psychologist.

I reply to my aunt that I have seen many psychologists over my life and no psychologist has ever told me that the path to healing was through forgiveness and forgetfulness. Instead they described how to work through the pain and trauma. By accepting it. By feeling it. By acknowledging it. By talking about it. Something I tried to do multiple times with my dad only to be shut down.

As such, I have for the moment, decided to keep a distance between my dad and I. I personally believe that sometimes the best path forward is for both parties the go their separate ways. Something I told my aunt. She replied that healed people, good people, forgive.

So my question is this. Am I a miserable person because I cannot forgive my dad? Am I a bad person?

While I agree I am not completely healed I am trying to. In the way that I feel is best for me. But my aunt is under the impression that I’ve had enough time to heal.

Is it odd that I still feel anger four years later? That I still feel hurt?

I’m not sure if I’ve explained things clearly but feel free to discuss and ask questions.

I just wanna know if I’m crazy or something

#personal #family #trauma #mental health #cheating #affair #divorce #am i the asshole #aita #depression #anxiety #ask me anything

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inner-solstice · 6 months

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I don’t know how I feel anymore. I don’t think I know how to.

I’m heartbroken over so many things. I’m heartbroken over how my father did this to my family and I. I’m heartbroken over him thinking so so poorly of me when I’ve tried so hard to be perfect all of these years. Im heartbroken that the person I thought I’d spend forever with, left me for some child. It’s not her fault. She deserves happiness. I’m heartbroken that I still feel strong emotions for someone that really should just be my best friend instead of my lover. I’m heartbroken that I don’t have a connection with my family. I’m heartbroken that I truly do not know myself and have really been suffering from an identity crises for many many years now, making reality difficult, making me feel insane.

I haven’t gotten over the first divorce, or who I thought was my best friend, moving away. Losing my childhood home. Regretting that I didn’t see my sister in the hospital when she was dying because I was too fucking weak and selfish to see her like that. I regret spending my time with someone who hurt me instead of not being there with my mom and my sisters going through the first divorce. And here I am doing it again. I can’t help it. I dont know why I won’t allow myself to stop and feel the pain, truly truly process and cry. Maybe I spent so long with the alcohol and numbing myself with drugs that now I am permanently numb inside. Maybe I’ve put myself in so many painful situations that nothing can be anymore painful than the last 8 years.

I don’t have any source of path or purpose. I have zero interest in anything.

I force myself to try and do new things. It’s seriously painful to try.

I feel crazy inside…the panic is worse…I can’t afford meds

I am in debt from my surgery but lost my job working at our family office because of what my dad has done to us. I am not allowed to get a job right now. Everything is so unstable and uncomfortable.

My bed isn’t my bed, this home isn’t my home. I haven’t had a true home in..what, 2 years? It’s my fault. I have so many fears of living on my own. Everyone I talk to about it just says they are all excuses. I will not listen to people shutting my feelings down like that.

Like it even matters anyways. I seriously do not know where to go from here. Im going to be 26 in December. As a kid, as a teen, I thought I’d be dead by this time. I never ever thought I’d make it this far in life.

I can’t get out of this depression. Im traumatized of what my dad did. I cried the day it happened but after processing it a little…I feel so fucked up inside.

I left my friends place today and tried to listen to sad songs to get myself to cry and scream and just let it out. It ALMOST worked. I live close to her and I wasn’t about to sit in my car and cry with the possibility of my family catching me so I didn’t cry.

I have to lie to M a lot about what really gets said behind closed doors. I’m afraid of losing her. It’s so difficult for me to explain how a person who left me a lot when I struggled feels the closest to stability to me. Maybe it’s because we always come back to each other, I don’t know.

I’ve put myself through hell trying to not lose her.

I’ll be honest, I was totally ready to off myself before she called.

I need her right now, more than ever with all of this going on.

I know at some point I’m going to have to be okay with being on my own and relearning how to do things on my own, how to find myself and cope and find interest…just overall be a person.

My mother and Ashley railed me about so many things. Some things I told M about, but not the other things that triggered me into a panic attack.

Ashley had to shove salt on my tongue because I was passing out from hyperventilating. It’s getting bad again.

I find it incredibly hard to sleep, oh god and I know what no sleep does to the mind body and soul.

It’s like when I was 9 all over again. I’ll shut my eyes and see the trauma happening all over again. I’ll wake up so many times. After a while it starts to hurt my head and I have to get up just to go cry and try to calm myself down. It’s been hard man…

I take baths and showers to ease my anxiety. I haven’t taken a bath in a couple weeks but I do find myself taking 3-4 showers in a span of 3 hours some nights when I’m home.

I’m terrified. I do not know what’s to come. I can’t believe this is my life.

I do think I want to end it all….but that pain will manifest itself into something more intolerable than what I’m going through and distribute itself into my friends and family. I don’t want to do that. They’ve been through enough. Another part of me wants to just pack all of my stuff up and disappear.

I genuinely thought up the process of disappearing.

Anyways, it’s always been kind of hard for me to connect with my family. To relate to them. I feel so different than them. Ashley and delanie are so much like my mom. Strong willed and share such a close bond. I feel like I’m more like my father…someone who doesn’t know boundaries and can be so super selfish. I isolate when it gets bad so that doesn’t help. When delanie broke up with her boyfriend, all my mom and Ashley could say to me is “don’t say this Tayler, don’t say that”

Like I know I’m not stupid. I know how to fucking act, but it’s the fact that they think I’m some type of way. Ashley told me that she sometimes is afraid to go to sleep because she’s worried she will find me dead the next morning..is it trauma?

Delanie has always been traumatized from my history with my father and I. It’s kind of all she grew up with. She grew up during me struggling as a teen. I can’t blame her for feeling some deep rooted childhood way towards me. I get it.

However, I never expected that from my mom or ash

And it seems so recent where they have been treating me like that. Like I’m some…black sheep.

Now that my dad is gone, it’s like they need to find someone else to blame or talk crap about or confront or whatever the hell that was a couple nights ago when I had my panic attack. Shit alll over me and my decisions and my friends. Like what the hell.

I get concern is a factor but making me feel bad in every single way possible didn’t do me any good. It made me feel so much worse. I completely shut down.

I ate my last meal for a while…I crave sleep so badly. I don’t know how I’m going to be when my grandma and my uncle come down for thanksgiving.

I usually am the outgoing one that everyone loves talking to. My grandma always said I was the favorite. It’s not like delanie and Ashley talk to the family anyways .

It will be weird now that I’m shut down. It will be weird knowing I will have absolutely nothing to talk about with them after what has happened with my father.

I feel so useless and lifeless. I’m trying to cry rn. I’m listening to sad music while writing this out and I feel it in my throat a little bit but nope..not there yet…

I feel like I want to be alone but I also feel like I need someone with me. At least be there when I wake up from my nightmares. I don’t know if that’s me being codependent or not…I don’t know if it’s a bad thing for me to need someone when I wake up from that fucking repetitive trauma nightmare. Ah jeez..I feel the tears coming now haha….

I don’t really use primary social media anymore, except maybe to have a window to reality. Ironic considering…it really isn’t but shit it’s better than this.

It’s making me so angry that I can’t cry.

I swear it’s like someone could tell me anything to try to hurt me and I would feel absolutely nothing. I’ve been through true true hell for so many years. I have to learn to tell myself it’s okay to admit I’ve been through heal and pain that is unfathomable.

Even where I was…everyone in there immediately told me and my mom that it was easy to see how we have been through hell and we are so strong. That confirmed a lot for me. I’m sure so many people must’ve been sobbing their eyes out. All I wanted to do was comfort my mom. I couldn’t cry.

I told myself that maybe me being alone would help me cry, I’m now thinking maybe I just need someone to hug me, and I mean like REALLY hug or hold me so I can finally let go and I don’t have to worry about anyone seeing my face, including myself when I cry.

I haven’t slept all night. Amazing. Tomorrow is my moms birthday. I haven’t drank but I have got to stay away from alcohol

Drew is in Italy right now. He will be back soon and he offered for me to stay with him, Trace, and Blake at his parents place for a couple days so they can help me get away. Always love my three musketeers. Never fail to make me laugh and actually enjoy life for a brief moment. They’ve been there for me for god…almost 14 years. They are probably the closest thing to an adult male who hasn’t disappointed me or try to hurt me. I don’t think I’ve ever actually known a true adult man who isn’t toxic as fuck.

That pain in my throat has went away now….fucking cry already asshole.

Maybe I just need everyone in my life to all hug me at once and and that will make me cry. My mom, Ashley, delanie, my grandma, Mexi, Tylo, Drew, trace, Blake, Bri. All the people I know for sure care about me. Just one giant hug so I can cry.

Ahhh and there it is…just imagining that made me shed a tear. Just one though. I’m trying to cry more but I’m so scared of feeling pain. My walls keep going up. I’ve got this… just fucking feel tayler…

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elixpace · 1 year

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[cis-male and he/him] Welcome to Aurora Bay, [ELIJAH PACE]! I couldn’t help but notice you look an awful lot like [RUDY PANKOW]. You must be the [TWENTY-FIVE] year old [WAITSTAFF AT ALL-NIGHTER DINER]. Word is you’re [PASSIONATE] but can also be a bit [DEPRESSED] and your favorite song is [IDFC BY BLACKBEAR]. I also heard you’ll be staying in [OCEAN CREST APARTMENTS]. I’m sure you’ll love it!

The Basics:

Name: Elijah Pace

Nickname: “Eli”

Birthday: June 24th

Zodiac: Cancer

Age: 25

Faceclaim: Rudy Pankow

Birthplace: Aurora Bay, California

Neighborhood: Ocean Crest Apartments

Occupation: Waitstaff at All-Nighter Diner

Gender: Cis-male

Pronouns: He/Him/His

Sexual Orientation: Questioning?

Relationship Status: Single

Romantic Orientation: Heteroromantic

Positive Traits: Passionate, Sweet, Easy Going, Charming, Loyal, Playful.

Negative Traits: Depressive, Jealous, Needy, Paranoid, Insecure.

Hobbies: Photography, Playing Guitar, Walking/Jogging, Swimming

Goals: Trying to find someone to love.

================================

TW: Mention of Divorce, Drugs & Alcohol Usage, Cheating, Abuse

Elijah, born and raised in Aurora Bay, lived a decent life with his loving parents. He was close to his old man the most since his mother was never around, for she worked the night shifts at her job. That didn’t change anything though, Elijah loved her anyway. Around age 16, it all changed when Elijah was in his room, looking through some photos that he took of the ocean. He heard his dad yelling at his mother. It went on for quite a bit that day, until she finally walked out and never returned. Elijah, being the nosy kid that he was, he walked out to find out what was going on.. the dad vaguely mentioning that the woman he loved has been cheating on him. Elijah’s dad was never the same after that.

His dad was angry.. He turned to alcohol, thinking it would help but it didn’t. It only made him angrier. The closest thing to take his anger out on was his only son, and knowing he couldn’t do anything about it, Elijah let it happen. As it went on for years, it took a huge toll on Elijah’s mental health. Around age 18, he got addicted to the alcohol he stole from his dad’s fridge and he would buy marijuana and smoke it to calm his nerves. (Hey but Good news is he got a job at The All-Nighter Diner and has been there since to try to move out and get away from the dad.)

While working there, he met a lady and they hit it off pretty well. They were together until he was 22 and in his own apartment. It felt like they were going to marry each other, that she was the one that could help him fully get out of his funk. It didn’t last long when one of his friends sent him a picture of her hanging on and kissing another guy two years into the relationship. Asking why she did it, he didn’t like the answer that was given to him.. being told he was too clingy and annoying hurt him. He had good reasons as to why he was like this. He was always too worried of someone leaving him like his mother did, and after what his dad pulled for so many years, he needed the love, and she broke him. Upset, he ended it right then and there. He was heartbroken, and it only caused his mental health to get worse, but he was good at hiding it from other people. (trying to not worry them about if he was upset in any way)

Now, at age 25, he still works at the diner and lives in the apartments. He didn’t mind the place whatsoever, besides there were plenty of cool people to hang with there anyways. Elijah was now trying to keep himself from drinking and smoking; he does the stuff that he adores doing, or hangs with his pals to keep his thoughts from going to the dark, gloomy parts of his mind. (He sometimes walks alongside the beaches in Aurora Bay to take photos of the beautiful water to calm himself down, or chill in his apartment to play on his guitar.) He’s been sober for 2 months, in hopes that he won’t ruin his life with them anymore.

#aurorabay.intro #tw cheating #tw mention of divorce #tw alcoholism #tw abuse #tw drugs

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alaezasmystery235 · 1 year

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Hey ! So the reblog of your rant, and I painfully see my younger self in your post, so here I am.

TW : Mention of suicide (idea and attempt), physical threats, verbal abuse

I hope you're ok, or at least feeling better than you did in your post. I know I'm a anonymous voice on the internet, but I know what you've been through, you have no idea how much it resonate with me (the verbal abuse from a parent, and that feeling of infinite loneliness- I'm afraid a lot of us feel that way). So maybe I can offer you my wisdom, of how I didn't kill myself despite the many nights I wanted to do it.

I don't know about your situation (familial or financial). But know that your mother has absolutely NO RIGHT to talk to you like that. It doesn't matter whether she's your mom or not, NO ONE should talk like that to someone else EVER. Again, I don't know what your situation is (if you live with her, if you can financially support yourself etc...) but, if that kind of abuse is common no matter how hard you try to tell her to stop, and if you have the opportunity to do it, get the f*** away from her. Again, it doesn't matter if she's your mom or not. If she keeps bringing you down to the point you want to kill yourself, she's not a positive influence in your life, probably won't ever be, and you don't need her.

I know it's easier said than done, believe me. My dad's like that. (Sorry in advance of rambling) I was never enough (too fat, not good enough grades, not "feminine" enough,...). No matter how hard I tried to please him, it was NEVER good enough. What happened was, when I did good, he "dismiss" me, telling me I was doing that for myself, when I had a hard time (failing medecine, being too depressed and anxious about my future to do anything), he put me through hell (threatening me to beat me up, not taking my defense when my mom did hit me "I'll do to you worse than she did", telling me to cut my throat quickly so he "doesn't have to suffer".) Ok, that kind of shit. And at a point, I just had enough ( when he told me to kill myself because I ate some chocolate destined for his friends - no, not joking). I never cried as hard as I did that night. My whole body was shaking like crazy, as I kept thinking about what he told me, about the want of actually doing it because I've had enough of the pain. The worse part ? He didn't tell me that when he was screaming at me for eating those STUPID chocolates. He told me that while I was shaking and crying in bed, in a really soft voice. And that was it. That was when I realized that no matter how hard I tried to tell him his words hurt me deeply, he would never listen to me. And at that time, I was tired of doing nothing of my life, and of building myself up every week after his harsh words or passive aggressive comments (like the facts my friends, in college, were mocking me because I didn't succeed right away). So I decided to stop seeing him, plain and simple. I took advantage of the fact that my parents were divorcing and stop going to his place when it was his week. I told him that I was tired to be shout at every time I go there, so I wouldn't come. And I blocked him absolutely everywhere (phone, mails,...). And it was hard, I'm not gonna lie and tell you it isn't hard. He's an asshole, but he stays my father, and I was heartbroken to cut him off because he kept dragging me down. I dreamed of him a lot the first couple of months. After that, I alternated period where I felt like a badass, and period where I was asking myself if I've made the right choice. Luckily, I've written a list of every awful stuff he did or say to me when I was depressed. Every time I've doubted, I look at the list and reminded myself that I've made the right choice. And girl, I did. It was really the right choice. I improved so much when I stopped talking to him. It was hard, because for every new things I tried, I kept hearing his voice telling me I was messing up, I wasn't enough... Eventually, I learned to tell that voice to f*** o**. And I stopped looking at the list a couple of months ago. It took me three years to get rid of the guilt, when I realized that since I was gone, he was putting my younger siblings through the same shit. My younger sister even felt suicidal and did an attempt when she was fucking 12.

Conclusion : always choose yourself, and trust your gut. If you don't feel good in this situation, no matter what you tell yourself to convince yourself the situation is normal, then you need to get out. It's hard as f***, but it's doable. And you'll be alright at the end.

Thank you for reaching out to me . Somehow it felt a knowing sense that I'm not alone , who is / has facing this situations . Tbh when your own family members do shit like this , it hurts so so bad . But what happened you can't change it . So the only option is to move on and have hope that every thing will come good at the end. Thank you for sharing your story , it means a lot to me 🫂💖.

#sweet anons #alaezasmystery

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alsjeblieft-zeg · 1 year

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008 of 2023

Random Secrets from Others 8! [True or False] Created by joybucket

These are all secrets from random people that I've found on the Internet. Put an X by the secrets that you share, and elaborate if you wish. Have fun! :) (gonna bold, though)

I'm ashamed of my body, but I tell other people to love themselves. I was molested by a babysitter. ...and my dad told me not to tell anyone about it. He said that as a female, my body is for men. This idea has stuck with me ever since. My whole life I've been made to feel that I was undeserving of love. When I was 12 or 13, I finally learned what the word "rape" meant, and I then understood what had happened to me. ....and the fact that I was rejected from my own family, especially my mom, led to depression. I had nobody to talk to. No one is really there for you in the end. I'm transgender. I havne't come out because my family doesn't support the community at all. I feel more judgment from the LGBT community than I do from straight people. ....and it makes me heartbroken. It's sad, because all of us in the LGBTQ+ community are going through the same thing, and you would think that it would be a place to find support, but it's not always. I tried coming out to my parents, and afterward, they were completely silent. ....I tried to act like it didn't affect me, but I'm ashamed that it did. I pretend to be straight with most people, so they won't ask questions about my sexuality or ignore it altogether. I haven't told anyone that I'm bisexual. It scares me that my family and friends won't love me the same if they find out. No one knows I'm a homosexual, and I'm afraid if someone finds out, they will kill me. Hating someone for their sexuality is disgusting. Loving, appreciating, and accepting each other how we are is what makes us human. Imagine being judged for being who you truly are. My sexual orientation or my gender identification doesn't make me less of a human. I'm human just like everyone else, and I should be treated like one. My grandfather is the only one who doesn't know I am gay. When I came out, I was told that I must be confused or going through a phase. When I came out, my mom told me that I was disgusting and a disappointment. I will never tell anyone I'm bisexual. My parents would be furious if they found out. I feel lonely at home, with my friends, and with my family. I used to hug the clothes in my closet, just to feel like I was hugging someone real. I don't like to be touched or held. ...and it's been years since I hugged someone. I feel like people treat me differently because my parents are divorced. In high school, I used to eat lunch in the bathroom stall. ....I do the same in my workplace now. I talk to myself all the time. I talk to my stuffed animals when I feel my friends don't want to talk with me anymore. My best friend unfriended and abandoned me when I told her I was suicidal. ...I still blame myself to this day, and I wish that I was different, so that then we could still be friends. Loneliness is something that you can drown in; it is something that can overcome you. I feel so lonely that I get chest pains and I can't breathe. I feel so helpless, because I don't know if I'll ever find someone to love, and I don't know if I'll ever find someone to love who will love me back. I appear very happy and outgoing from the outside, but I constantly have panic attacks that no one knows about. My parents don't believe in mental health issues. It was hard telling my parents, "I think I need to see a therapist." I feel totally and utterly alone. I'm a misfit everywhere. I have no one to turn to. I'm a Christian, and there's a part of me that really hates Christianity. I feel like the Christian God could not love a deformed creation. We tend to politicize certain things, but I believe God loves everyone. You don't realize how lonely you are until something good happens to you, but you don't have anyone to tell. You don't realize how lonely you are until something bad happens to you, and you want so badly to talk to someone, but no one is there for you; you have no one to speak to. I feel like I'm drowning in loneliness every day. I get so lonely that it physically hurts. Every day I fantasize about having a spouse and kids. ....so that I could give them the love I never had. No one showed up for me at my high school graduation. I had no family or friends who came to watch me graduate. 👩‍🎓 The hardest part of being lonely is not knowing where the loneliness is coming from. You just feel empty and you don't even know why. Hardly anyone ever asks how I'm really feeling/doing. (but this is normal here in my country) I hug my stuffed animals at night to help me sleep, because I'm so lonely. One of the worst things is realizing you are living most of your life in your head. The conversations, laughs, and friends you wish to have are all in your head. Loneliness is such a universal experience, yet somehow we all still feel alone. I feel like loneliness is consuming me slowly. I feel more alone when I'm around people than I do when I'm by myself. I daydream too much and re-enact different scenarios in my head. I wish I could look in the mirror without being disgusted at what I see. I feel worthless, like I don't deserve to be loved. I've been bullied at three different schools. I've begun to blame myself for being bullied, because I feel stupid and weak. ...I feel worthless, and that makes me feel even worse, because now I'm blaming myself. I love my friends and give my all in relationships, but no one feels the same way about me or does the same with me. I'm gay, and all I want is my parents to love me, but I know they never will. My parents have always made me feel insecure about my body, when they remind me that I've gained weight. I've stopped being myself, because I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. After we took our clothes off, I changed my mind. He got angry, I felt trapped, and that is ultimately how I lost my virginity. I haven't slept well since, and I still feel ashamed about it. ....Now, I'm too afraid to get close to anyone. I can't trust anybody. I hate my physical appearance. ...I'm self-conscious, and I worry about everything, from the way I talk to my personality. I was bullied a lot for the way I look. I've had enough of life; I really have. I hate myself because being so sensitive always makes people use me. When I was born, my parents really wanted a boy, but when they found out I was a girl, they were disappointed. They've held it against me my whole life. ...Some days I wish I wasn't alive, because I know my parents would be happier without me. My dream in life is to have children. It's all I've ever wanted. ....but I may be infertile. It breaks my heart. 💔 I was raped by one of my boyfriend's best friends. I never told anyone, because I had seen so many women try to come out, only to be rejected. When I was raped for the first time, I told my friends, and they blamed me. ...They said, "You must have wanted it. You must have done something..." My ex physically and emotionally abused me. I was scared to break up with him, because people knew we were sexually active, and I was afraid they would think I was a whore if I ended the relationship. As a child, I was taken advantage of sexually by multiple men in my family. When I came out to my parents as gay, they told me not to tell anyone, because they said it could ruin our family name. They cared more about their reputation than about their own child's happiness. We must get rid of the stereotype that family is inherently good. Family is NOT the safe haven for most people. The suicide of a friend really hit me hard. Being betrayed was one of the most hurtful things that happened to me. Betrayal doesn't make us lose a friend or supporter. It costs us our trust of humans. I was taught that social media is dangerous. Yes, it is, but it's also helped me to overcome betrayals. It was hard for me to work up the courage to "come out." I've dated someone just to try it out.

#survey #themed survey #bolding survey

0 notes

lunarimagines · 4 years

Text

MOBILE MASTERLIST

I have received many requests to update my masterlist, so here it is! As of October 18, 2020...

-----

~ = TRIGGER WARNING

* = SEXUAL CONTENT

[REDBUBBLE]

-----

Kpop

+ EXO

YOU’RE THE NEW GIRL WITH A ‘BAD GIRL’ IMAGE [VERSION 1] [VERSION 2]

THEY’RE IN THE MOOD, BUT YOU’RE ON YOUR PERIOD

THEIR GIRLFRIEND IS ANEMIC

PLAYING WITH THEIR GIRLFRIEND’S LONG HAIR

MAKING BREAKFAST WITH YOU

JONGIN REACTION TO HIS GIRLFRIEND ALWAYS ASKING PERMISSION BEFORE INITIATING SKIN SHIP

WHAT DATING JONGIN WOULD BE LIKE

WHAT DATING SEHUN WOULD BE LIKE

WHAT DATING TAO WOULD BE LIKE

WHAT DATING LUHAN WOULD BE LIKE

WHAT BEING SCHOOLMATES WITH KAI WOULD BE LIKE

LATE NIGHT LUHAN FLUFF BLURB

BEING BEST FRIENDS WITH EXO (OT12)

WOLF!CHEN

*ONLY I CAN (KYUNGSOO SMUT)

*HOW YIXING WOULD BE IN BED

*SEX WITH BAEKHYUN

WHAT DATING BAEKHYUN WOULD BE LIKE

*WHAT SEX WITH KRIS WOULD BE LIKE

*I HAVE NO REASON TO BE JEALOUS (SEHUN SMUT)

*WHAT SEX WITH JONGIN WOULD BE LIKE

WHEN YOU CONFESS TO KAI

WHEN THE MANAGERS SUGGEST HE BREAK UP WITH YOU

*SEX WITH CHEN

*SEX WITH KYUNGSOO

*SEX WITH LUHAN

*SEX WITH SEHUN

WOLF!KAI

*SEX WITH CHANYEOL

*SEX WITH SUHO

DATING CHANYEOL

*SEX WITH TAO

*SEX WITH XIUMIN

DATING KYUNGSOO

BEING SCHOOLMATES WITH CHANYEOL

YOU HAVE BENIGN ESSENTIAL TREMOR

WOLF!BAEKHYUN

THEY FIND OUT THEY’RE DOING A ROMANTIC BALLAD WITH YOU (THEIR CRUSH)

FLUFFY XIUMIN ONE SHOT

~YOU’RE SELF CONSCIOUS ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT

CUDDLING WITH SUHO AND ACCIDENTALLY WAKING HIM UP

~YOUR SELF HARM COPING NOTEBOOK

YOU’RE DATING IN SECRET AND HE KISSES YOU (UNKNOWINGLY) IN FRONT OF CAMERAS

JEALOUS!JONGIN

MARRIED LIFE WITH CHANYEOL

CUDDLING WITH KRIS AND SEHUN

*TOUCH IT [JONGDAE SMUT]

DATING KRIS [WU YIFAN]

HUSBAND!JONGIN

SECRETADMIRER!JONGIN

CUDDLING WITH EXO

THEIR GF HAD ADD

WHAT DATING JONGDAE WOULD BE LIKE

GROWING UP WITH JONGIN

YOUR CHILD CALLS HIM DAD

YOU THINK THEY ARE CHEATING

EXO REACTION TO SEEING YOU AGAIN AFTER YOU TWO BROKE UP

WHAT DATING TAO WOULD BE LIKE

WHAT DATING SUHO WOULD BE LIKE

WHAT DATING LAY WOULD BE LIKE

YOU FAINT IN HIS ARMS [CHANYEOL ANGST]

MARRIED LIFE WITH LUHAN

THE OVERLOOK [BAD!BOY CHANYEOL]

A-Z NSFW

[JONGDAE]

TEXTING

[JONGDAE]

+ BTS

YOU TELLING THEM ‘I LOVE YOU’

S/O TRIPPING OVER NOTHING

TYPE OF TUMBLR BLOG BTS WOULD HAVE

HEARING YOU SPEAK YOUR MOTHER LANGUAGE

LOSING SOMETHING OF THEIRS WHILE IN THE CAR

DANCING AND ACCIDENTALLY BREAKING THE T.V.

WATCHING A MOVIE WITH THE OTHER MEMBERS WHEN A SEXUAL SCENE COMES ON

WAKING YOU UP IN THE MORNING

~ FINDING SELF HARM SCARS ON YOUR BODY

MOVIE NIGHT WITH JUNGKOOK

WHAT DATING RM WOULD BE LIKE

WHAT DATING JUNGKOOK WOULD BE LIKE

WHAT DATING TAEHYUNG WOULD BE LIKE

WHAT DATING YOONGI WOULD BE LIKE

BEING SCHOOLMATES WITH SUGA

* VISITING NAMJOON AT THE STUDIO

BEING BEST FRIENDS (OT7)

YOU’RE AFRAID OF DOGS

YOU WATCH THEIR EVERY MOVE AT DANCE PRACTICE

YOU HATE WHEN PEOPLE TAKE PICTURES OF YOU

YOU’RE REALLY AFRAID OF BUGS

*SEX WITH JIMIN

*SEX WITH TAEHYUNG

*SEX WITH YOONGI

*SEX WITH NAMJOON

*SEX WITH JUNGKOOK

*SEX WITH JIN

*SEX WITH J-HOPE

*DO YOU WANT ME TO TEACH YOU (JIMIN SMUT)

*WATCH ME BABYGIRL [JUNGKOOK SERIES - COMPLETE] [1] [2] [3] [4] [vmin filler] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] [16] [17] [18] [19] [20]

WHEN I HAD YOU [JIMIN ANGST/FLUFF]

BAKING WITH JUNGKOOK

*THEIR S/O GIVING THEM A SHOW

*THIGH RIDING YOONGI

*WOULDN’T HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY [NAMJOON SUGAR DADDY SMUT]

THEIR CRUSH/BEST FRIEND IS AFFECTIONATE WHEN SICK

~THEIR TEENAGE CHILD GETS IN THEIR FIRST CAR ACCIDENT

~THEY HAVE A DREAM WHERE YOU DIE

*I HATE YOU. I LOVE YOU? [JIMIN ENEMIES-TO-LOVERS SMUT]

*PHONE SEX WITH NAMJOON

THEIR S/O IS CATCALLED

BRINGING THEIR AMERICAN S/O TO MEET THEIR PARENTS

DATING NAMJOON BUT BEING BEST FRIENDS WITH BTS

THEIR S/O TAKES THEM TO A HAUNTED HOUSE

BEING FRIENDS WITH JUNGKOOK AND YUGYEOM

DANCING QUEEN [HOSEOK FLUFF]

*REACTION TO YOU SAYING “TAKE ME”

BTS THINKING THEIR S/O IS CHEATING

THEIR S/O IS A PICKY EATER

*BTS REACTION TO YOU GIVING THEM A SHOW

*YOONGI FWB

BTS REACTION TO YOU SITTING ON THEIR LAP…

~IF YOU’D LET ME [JIMIN ANGST]

YOU CUDDLING THEM IN YOUR SLEEP AND SAYING “I LOVE YOU”

*YOU’RE ON

THEIR S/O GETS A LIP PIERCING

DATING YOONGI BUT BEING BEST FRIENDS WITH BTS

*YOU “FLEXING YOUR MUSCLES”

IF SOMEBODY HAD TOLD YOU… [JUNGKOOK FLUFF]

*I WAS KIND OF HOPING THIS COULD BE YOUR PRESENT [JUNGKOOK SMUT]

BTS REACTION TO THEIR GF BRINGING THEM LUNCH

THEIR GF IS SIMILAR TO HOBI AND HAPPENS TO BE CLOSE TO HOBI

*FACE DOWN [YOONGI SMUT]

THEIR CRUSH IS DOTING/MOTHERLY

*YOU MOAN THEIR NAME DURING SEX

*YOU WANT SEX WHILE THEY’RE WORKING

*PHONE SEX WITH YOONGI

*REVERSING ROLES [YOONGI SMUT]

JEALOUS!YOONGI

BTS REACTION TO YOU HIDING YOUR SMILE WHEN YOU LAUGH

EYE ON THE TARGET (JUNGKOOK) [1] [2]

SEOKJIN AS YOUR SUGAR DADDY

BTS REACTION TO THEIR S/O CUPPING THEIR FACE AND KISSING THEM

~BTS REACTION TO THEIR FRIEND NOT BEING COMFORTABLE WITH THEIR BODY SIZE

TEXTING

[JIN] [JIMIN] [TAEHYUNG] [SUGA] [J HOPE] [RAP MONSTER] [JUNGKOOK] BESTFRIEND!JUNGKOOK HIGHSCHOOL!BTS FUCKBOY!YOONGI

SNAPS

[TAEHYUNG]

A-Z NSFW

[JUNGKOOK] [YOONGI]

+ ATEEZ

CONDITIONALLY YOURS (Seonghwa) [1]

ATEEZ REACTION TO ANOTHER MEMBER WALKING IN ON THE TWO OF YOU MAKING OUT [1] [2]

ATEEZ REACTION TO BEING JEALOUS OF ANOTHER MEMBER GETTING CLOSE TO THEIR S/O

+ INFINITE

YOU TALK ABOUT SEX

+ BOYFRIEND

THEY ALL LOVE THE SAME GIRL

ACCEPTING AN AWARD YOU

YOU THREATENING TO FIGHT THE CEO IF THEY DON’T GET A COMEBACK

VALENTINES DAY WITH KWANGMIN

*SEX WITH DONGHYUN

+ MISS A

GOING INTO TOWN WITH YOU

+ MONSTA X

THEY ACCIDENTALLY HUG YOUR SISTER INSTEAD OF YOU

*SEX WITH MINHYUK

SINGING A BALLAD WITH THEIR CRUSH

MARRIED LIFE WITH SHOWNU

REACTION TO THEIR GF AND ANOTHER MEMBER…

BEING BEST FRIENDS WITH MONSTA X

THEIR GF IS OLDER THAN THEM

ANNOYING THEIR MEMBERS BY SHOWING PDA WITH THEIR S/O

THEIR GF GIVES THEM A MASSAGE FOR THE FIRST TIME

*RETURN THE FAVOR [KIHYUN SMUT]

DATING IN SECRET WHEN HE ACCIDENTALLY KISSES YOU IN FRONT OF CAMERAS

*YOU SAY THEY HAVE A SMALL DICK DURING A FIGHT

WHAT DATING IM WOULD BE LIKE

TELLING HIM YOU’RE A VIRGIN BEFORE THE TWO OF YOU HAVE SEX

*HE WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE IF YOU HADN’T... [KIHYUN SMUT]

YOU HUG THEM FROM BEHIND AND ACCIDENTALLY GRAB THEIR CROTCH

MARRIED LIFE WITH JOOHEON

*SEX WITH IM

MARRIED LIFE WITH IM

*SEX WITH HYUNGWON

*SEX WITH KIHYUN

*SEX WITH JOOHEON

*SEX WITH SHOWNU

*SEX WITH WONHO

MONSTA X REACTION TO THEIR S/O HAVING AN ASTHMA ATTACK

*THIGH RIDING MONSTA X

+ GOT7

*SEX WITH JACKSON

*SEX WITH JUNIOR

*SEX WITH MARK

*SEX WITH JAEBUM

YOU WEAR THEIR SWEATER, YELL “KISS ME”, THEN RUN AWAY

*SEX WITH YUGYEOM

LIVING WITH BESTFRIEND!JACKSON

THEIR GF HAS SWEATER PAWS

GOT7 AS FATHERS

BEING FRIENDS WITH JUNGKOOK AND YUGYEOM

*THEIR GF KNOWS HOW TO DEEPTHROAT

YUGYEOM DATING AN OLDER WOMAN

YOU’RE DATING MARK AND THE OTHER MEMBERS ARE JEALOUS

*SINCERELY, YOUR NEW FWB [YUGYEOM SMUT]

*REACTION TO THEIR GF WANTING TO BE SPANKED

JACKSON HAVING A CRUSH ON YOU

*I DIDN’T HAVE TIME FOR “CLASSY” [JAEBUM SMUT]

*SEX WITH YOUNGJAE

YOU’RE SICK BUT DON’T WANT TO WORRY THEM SO YOU KEEP IT A SECRET

DATING JAEBUM AND BEING BEST FRIENDS WITH GOT7

BEING BEST FRIENDS WITH GOT7

TELLING HIM YOU’RE A VIRGIN BEFORE THE TWO OF YOU HAVE SEX

*SEX WITH BAMBAM

TEXTS

BESTFRIEND!JACKSON

SNAPS

[JINYOUNG]

+ C-CLOWN (DISBANDED)

*SEX WITH ROME

DATING CHRISTIAN YU [ROME]

+RED VELVET

YOU CALL THEM YOUR BEST FRIEND

*AN OVERWHELMING FEELING [IRENE SMUT]

+ INFINITE

*SEX WITH MYUNGSOO

TELLING HIM YOU’RE A VIRGIN BEFORE THE TWO OF YOU HAVE SEX

+ IKON

*SEX WITH HANBIN

*SEX WITH DONGHYUK

“I DIDN’T LOVE YOU” [DONGHYUK FLUFF]

*SEX WITH JUNHOE

*SEX WITH BOBBY

+ NCT

SOULMATE!MARK

WHAT DATING LUCAS WOULD BE LIKE

STUDY DATE WITH JUNGWOO

NCT 127 + JENO REACTION TO THEIR S/O BEING 160CM

EXCUSES, EXCUSES [HAECHAN FLUFF]

NCT DREAM REACTION TO THEIR GF BEING 165-170CM TALL

~NCT DREAM REACTION TO THEIR GF BECOMING DEPRESSED BECAUSE HER PARENTS ARE GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE

TEN TRYING TO GET YOUR ATTENTION

WHAT DATING MARK WOULD BE LIKE

DATING TAEYONG

DATING JOHNNY (NCT)

FAKE TEXTS

BESTFRIEND -> BOYFRIEND MARK

WISHING MARK A HAPPY BIRTHDAY

[DONGHYUCK]

TWO WRONGS MAKE… A COUPLE? [Prince!Renjun] [1] [2]

+ F(X)

THEIR S/O HAS FIBROMYALGIA

*SEX WITH AMBER

+ BLACKPINK

BARISTA!ROSÉ

WHAT DATING LISA WOULD BE LIKE

YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON ROSÉ

+ BLOCK B

*SEX WITH PARK KYUNG

+ DAY6

*TENDER LOVE AND AFTERCARE [BRIAN/YOUNG K SMUT]

DATING DOWOON

+ PENTAGON

WHAT DATING WOOSEOK WOULD BE LIKE

+ SHINee [NO LONGER WRITING FOR]

BEING BEST FRIENDS WITH MINHO

LIVING WITH BESTFRIEND!KIBUM

SECRETLY DATING WHEN THEY ACCIDENTALLY KISS YOU IN FRONT OF CAMERAS

SINGING A ROMANTIC BALLAD WITH THEIR CRUSH

THEY HAVE A CRUSH ON THE SAME IDOL

BEING BEST FRIENDS WITH SHINee

THEIR REACTION TO YOU CRYING

BEING SCHOOLMATES WITH TAEMIN

GROWING UP WITH TAEMIN

YOUR CHILD CALLS HIM DAD

+ TWICE

*WHAT DATING JIHYO WOULD BE LIKE

FIRST KISSES WITH TWICE

STUCK IN TRAFFIC WITH TWICE

*SEX WITH MINA (TWICE)

+ GIRLS GENERATION [SNSD]

DATING TIFFANY

THEY FIND A GUY NAKED BY ACCIDENT

THEY FIND TAENY KISSING ROMANTICALLY

SOMEONE FLIRTS WITH THEIR SECRET GIRLFRIEND

THEIR BEST FRIEND IS HEARTBROKEN OVER A BOY

+ MAMAMOO

THEY ARE JEALOUS

AND THEN… [MOONBYUL SMUT] [2]

+ SEVENTEEN

YOU’RE A TRAINEE UNDER PLEDIS

SUCK IT UP [JUN ANGST/FLUFF]

“IT’S TIME” [CHAN FLUFF]

*SEX WITH MINGYU

+ VIXX

THEIR GF HAS WAVY/CURLY HAIR

TELLING THEM YOU’RE A VIRGIN BEFORE THE TWO OF YOU HAVE SEX

+ ASTRO

REACTION TO YOU SQUISHING THEIR CHEEKS

SNAPS

SANHA X CUTE

+ 2NE1

YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON CL

+ SISTAR

BEING YOUR BEST FRIEND IN SCHOOL

+ X1

GOING THROUGH A HAUNTED HOUSE WITH BF!HANGYUL

T.V. SERIES:

TWD

TELLING CARL YOU LOVE HIM

TEEN WOLF

SCOTT MCCALL

UNDERCOVER IDIOTS [PART 1] [PART 2] [PART 3]

DEREK HALE

INDISCREET JEALOUSY

COME ON CINDERELLA

*SOLID ALIBI

I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS

DON’T DRINK THE ORANGE JUICE

THE MURDER OF THE BETRAYER [PART 1] [PART 2]

ISAAC LAHEY

I HAPPEN TO LOVE THAT ABOUT YOU

I’LL TAKE THAT CHANCE

STILES STILINSKI

VALENTINE’S DAY

PRANK WAR

TVD

DAMAN SALVATORE

VICTORIAN ERA ROMANCE

~FINDING OUT ABOUT YOUR ANOREXIA

SUPERNATURAL

DEAN

HUNTING HAS ITS PERKS

PROPOSING TO YOU

BLUSH

BANDS:

5SOS

BLURBS:

ASHTON IRWIN

FRATBOY! ASHTON

CALUM HOOD

ROUND TWO

MICHAEL CLIFFORD

LATE NIGHT

BIRTHDAY AU MEME (AKA MY VERY FIRST IMAGINE EVER ON THIS BLOG)

LUKE HEMMINGS

WHAT DATING LUKE WOULD BE LIKE

IMAGINES:

CALUM HOOD

*SAVING WATER

4/4

HE FINDS OUT YOU’RE REALLY TICKLISH

HARRY STYLES

I’LL BE THOR

MOVIES:

THE OUTSIDERS

SODAPOP

~SODAPOP FINDING OUT ABOUT YOUR DEPRESSION

THE AVENGERS

THOR

BEING ABLE TO LIFT THOR’S HAMMER

YOUTUBE

BEING BEST FRIENDS WITH DAN AND PHIL

1K notes · View notes

maryeve-the-bitch · 2 years

Text

Human au where Francis divorces Arthur and leaves with Alfred (6) while Arthur stays with Matthew (also 6) . Arthur is heartbroken and depressed and turns to alcohol, neglecting Matthew. Matthew is also heartbroken because he heard his papa said he was useless when arguing with his dad.

(fair warning: it's long af)

@fireandiceland there you go bitch. It's done. I think. 💜

Both isolate themselves until Arthur hurts Matthew while drinking and realisation hits him hard that he needs to stop drinking and taking care of himself so he could take care of his son. Matthew had been too much hurt in the divorce, Arthur couldn't bear to inflict more pain. He throws away all of his whiskey, vodka, beers and hopes for the best.

Except, it was the worst. Arthur went through hell, feeling nauseous, shaking, with a fever. He kept telling himself that's probably normal and temporary. It won't last. So he needs to tolerate the pain and sickness. He has to. He feels too weak to even get up and grab a glass of water.

Matthew notices his dad's weird behaviour and worries. He's not sure what to do. He doesn't want to call his uncle but even if he wanted to, he can't because he doesn't know how to do that on the phone. He tries to remember what his dad did to help him feel better when he was sick. He remembered about medicine but he can't reach the médecine cabinet nor he knows what to give to his dad. He also gave him water with the médecine. Maybe it'd help. Matthew grab a glass in the kitchen. He can only reach the counter whre his pokemon glass was in. He drinks the rest of the juice in it and fills the glass with tap water. He leaves a line of water on the floor on his way to Arthur's bedroom.

"Daddy?" Matthew's soft voice is really appreciated at the moment when he enters the room.

"Do you need anything, Matt-?" Arthur pants as he struggles to sit up on his bed. His weak arms can barely support him.

Matthew shows him the glass of water, now half full.

"For you." He adds.

"Thank you" Arthur breathes. "Put it on the table, next to me."

Each of his words is ponctuated with a pause. Matthew does as he is told, but waits in front of his dad. Arthur doesn't know if he waits for him to drink or something. His head is turning and he can't focus on anything. Despite only wearing trousers with no shirt, Arthur sweats heavily like he never sweated before.

Matthew watches his dad collapses.

He didn't think of any of this before. Matthew realising that his dad is not looking good finds a way to call the emergency. The first response person helps Matthew make his dad fell better with water and wet washcloth. Arthur however still feels feverish, nauseous, hot and dizzy so they send an ambulance for him. They even think that he is starting to hallucinate so best not to take any chance.

The ambulance people come in and asks Matthew if he know a family member or a reliable adult to take care of him during this time. He says that maybe his uncle but he lives far away in Scotland. He doesnt want Francis to know about this. It's not like he checked on him and Arthur during the last few months anyway. Since they have no better option, they call his uncle Alistair to come and get Matthew at the hospital. The ambulance people would just bring the child with them and his dad.

Eventually, Arthur feels better and can go back home. He realises that he still needs to fight the urge to go grab a beer and that he still feels depressed about his divorce but he keeps remembering Matthew. (Insert the Simpson picture with the caption "do it for him" but with pictures of Matthew)

Slowly and with medical help, he is starting to get better. He also wants to get Matthew checked out with a professional because he does look like he is going through some trauma as well and Arthur feels guilty that probably half of it is cause of him. He wants to help his son feels better.

------

Also, Matthew has autism and one of his stim is chewing stuff (totally not projecting at all)

-----

And Arthur does more activities with his son. They like to go on walks and Matthew likes to pet dogs on their walks. So Arthur thought it would be a great idea for Christmas to give him a dog. They went to rescue one and Matthew was so happy. He hangs with his dog a lot and talk to him. Kinda like a therapy dog for him. It's a Samoyed breed so it's big white and fluffy.

Both Matthew and Arthur's therapists want them to find some friends although it's hard for them for different reasons. Funnily enough, one of Matthew's teacher introduces him to another austistic kid, Ludwig. He's a German boy with blond hair and blue eyes. Younger than Matthew. He mostly "plays" by himself either in a sandbox or away from all the other kids. He usually doesn't talk to other kids because when he tried before, he got turn down right away since he would talk about one of his odd hyperfixation. At one point, it was trains.

At first when Ludwig and Matthew meet, they don't talk and Ludwig simply continues to play in the sand. Matthew goes and sits on the swim behind, only slightly going back and forth. When recess is over, they go back to class and Matthew thinks that Ludwig doesn't want to play with him, but actually, Ludwig comes back the next day during recess and plays next to Matthew.

When Ludwig notices that Matthew likes to play next to him too, he starts talking to him about construction trucks. Matthew happily listens without saying much but Lud appreciates his company and that he finally has someone who would listen to him.

They become good friends and Matthew invites him to his house to play one day. His older brother Gilbert drives him to Mathew's place where Arthur meet them. Gilbert is slightly younger than Arthur by 3 years and he immediately starts a friendly discussion about the football Arthur is watching. Matthew introduces his dog, Froufrou, to Ludwig, who is absolutely delighted to meet the dog. They both mostly play with Froufrou, who is excited to get all the attention.

Some years later, Matthew also meets Lovino at school since they are in the same class and end up working on a project together. Lovino decided that Matthew would do all the work while Lovino would present the work to the class at the end. Matthew doesn't think it's fair, but he likes not having to talk in front of the class so he agrees.

They end up going to Lovino's place, whose dad (Antonio) is dating *drum rolls* none other than Francis. Matthew doesn't know until he goes to lovino's house and sees him 💀 Matthew is NOT ready to face him, but he feels too socially anxious to ask to call for his dad or ask Lovino to avoid Francis. So he says nothing and follow Lovino to the house.

"Hola, chiquito!" Antonio grins. "How was your day? Ah yes. You were bringing a friend home to work on a school project today."

"ugh! Yeah." Lovino replies after untying his shoes. He walks past his dad and his dad's boyfriend, who are cuddling on the couch.

"you must be his friend, uh .. he forgot to mention your name." Antonio speaks at Matthew.

Matthew doesn't answer, simply greets him with a nod and follow Lovino.

"Allô Mathieu." Francis smiles at him.

"oh so his name is Mathieu? You know him?" Antonio asks his boyfriend.

"Yes. He's my son." Francis replies.

"How come you never mentioned him before?" Antonio asks.

"He lives with my ex husband." Francis shrugs. "I hope he raises you well, but knowing him, I doubt it. Poor thing. I'm sorry I had to leave you with him. You don't deserve that. I couldn't take you with me and he wouldn't let me talk to you after." Francis tells Matthew in french.

Matthew doesn't react much, but look around, feeling uncomfortable and close to a shutdown. He wants to scream and get out of this place, but he can't move or use his voice. Matthew feels a hand grabbing on his wrist and tugging on him.

"Ignore them. They are annoying." Lovino says.

Matthew is pulled by his classmate toward Lovino's bedroom. At least, he got pulled away from that situation.

As soon as they leave the room, Francis comments about how his son got worse since last time he saw him. Surely he can't be fixed and might as well live in a care centre or something. No future or useful to society.

Matthew, on the other hand, can't focus on their work while Lovino is playing video games on his phone. The game lovino is playing is too loud and Matthew regrets coming here. He forgot his headphones at home so he can't even muffle the sounds. There's too much going on and he can't read the book he brought from school. Lovino's game made explosion sounds from time to time and it startles Matthew every time. He would normally cry or get agitated during these kinds of situations, but Matthew forces himself to suppress his feelings. He tries to remember what his therapist told him to do during those kind of situation. He cant remember and he doesn't have anything to help.

He now just noticed that he has been chewing on his pencil while staring at the open book. Eventually, what seems to be hours to Matthew, he recieves a text from his dad asking if he's coming home for dinner. Matthew slowly texts back yes and asks Arthur if he can come pick him up soon. Arthur agrees and asks if there was something wrong. Matthew only replies with the word "noises". Arthur then texts him that he is coming.

After 20 minutes, when Arthur gets to Lovino's house, he is greeted to his surprise by his ex husband. A lot of feelings reemerge when Arthur saw those blue eyes. He doesn't have time to deal with them at the moment.

"I didn't realise I opened the door to the past. I must be at the wrong place." Arthur snarky commented.

Francis rolls his eyes. "I'm past your sarcastic comments and attitude. Get your damn stupid child and get out."

"I happily will. What are you even doing here? That's not your house."

"Maybe it is now."

Antonio unknowingly interrupts their tension by introducing himself to Arthur.

"Hello! You must be Matthew's father. I'll go get him for you. I'm Antonio by the way." He grins as he holds out his hand for Arthur to shake, who hesitantly and awkwardly shook it.

"Nice to meet you. Yes. Please go get him for me." Arthur said.

While he waits, Francis gives him one last evil glare and left for the kitchen. That actually went better than Arthur would have expected. Hopefully, he wouldn't have to encounter his ex husband too often although he feels eager to leave as soon as possible. He realises that Francis being there is probably the reason why Matthew wants to leave so quickly too. He recalls the times he was crying because he heard Francis call him useless and it honestly breaks Arthur's heart everytime. His son is worthy of so much love and support. Arthur is glad that they divorced now because he can't bear the thought of his partner thinking Matthew is anything but a brilliant and sweet child.

It takes Matthew a few moment to come out and ready to leave. Arthur says goodbye to Antonio and leaves with Matthew as quickly as he arrived.

Matthew haven't talked the whole trip back home, but Arthur isn't concerned about that for now. He knows what to do to get his son to feel better as he learnt from Matthew's specialised therapist. When they get home, Matthew immediately goes straight to his bedroom, grabs his headphones on the way and lays on his bed, without putting his headphones on.

Froufrou, who was previously napping on Matthew's bedroom floor, wakes up when he hears his masters coming home and goes lay next to Matthew on the bed.

"Would you like the heavy blanket, Matthew?" His dad softly speaks.

Matthew answers with a weak yes as he cuddles his dog. Arthur leaves for a minute to fetch the blanket and returns to carefully lay it on Matthew.

"Text me if you need anything else. I'll prepare soup and chicken nuggies for you." Arthur adds before leaving Matthew alone.

Slowly, the weight of the blanket, the familiar silence and the warm comforting fur of his dog makes Matthew feel calmer. Froufrou watches on him while Matthew rests from the nightmare he lived through earlier than day.

#alcohol tw #alcoholism tw #aph england #hws england #aph canada #hws canada #angst #hurt/comfort #more background characters: Germany; Prussia; Romano; Spain; France;America #and froufrou the dog 💕#for once its not focused on a ship but there's background frain #autism tw #autism breakdown #its supposed to be a summary by the way. i just got carried away #divorce au

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ariadnesweb · 3 years

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Neither Frisk or Kris could replace the other,

Undertale is a story about nostalgia, and the ghosts that refuse to move on from it. Important is that the Dreemurr family wants to project unto Frisk, as best friend, child, duty, and oneself. It’s also about the effects said inability to move on have on the underground, as it turns Frisk into an object of desire, hated enemy, and tool to elevate oneself. Frisk, as someone new to the underground, doesn’t have any desire to keep the underground’s depressive rules of thought, and instead has to fight to establish their own way of doing things.

Deltarune is only at chapter 2, but already established is the complicated web of social politics that Hometown has. Highlights include: the various Holiday-Dreemurr divorces (Dess, whatever Carol is in, Asgore and Rudy’s best gay friends affair, Toriel and Asgore, everyone Asriel left heartbroken, Noelle and Kris’s divorced childhood best friends thing, Kris’s situation [Most of these are related, but seem separate enough events that they’ll count as one]), the school survival-of-the-fittest, alphys and undyne’s new positions, the ghost house, catty and bratty’s please-just-kiss-already rivalry, and sans just arrived in town and yet everyone wants to involve him already. Kris is positioned just enough that they can get involved, and probably will be involved anyways, into this drama, and untangling it will probably be key to the plot of Deltarune. Relationships seem key in this type of thing.

Frisk, even in a theoretical post-pacifist ending where they reached Kris’s age living with Toriel, lacks the history to create something that resembles the plot of Deltarune. They might make friends with Susie in the same way, but their relationships with Noelle? Ralsei? The rest of the cast? The nice if distant star girl of Hometown, they might consider her someone to keep safe and innocent. The Asriel look-alike, who knows more than he lets on, with a questionable belief system, who Frisk accepts more than questions. So much of Kris’s relationships are shaped by being Asriel’s plus one, and that’s not something Frisk can emulate.

Kris might be able to pull through the Underground without killing anyone, but the ghosts of the underground would consume them. To pass through would require fighting their mom, their dad, something that Kris seems very uninclined to do [They’re something of a pushover and momma’s kid, gifting Asgore’s flowers to Toriel, and seemingly rely on their mom to get up in the mornings]. Even if Kris got past them, the undergrounds’ torrid history with humanity would mess-up someone as insecure with theirs as Kris. Similarly with the amalgamates, since Kris can presumably recognize most of the monsters that make them up, it would be deeply traumatizing for them. Faced against Flowey/Asriel would be uh… complicated, because Kris also has a tendency to project their brother unto the nameless [One of Onion’s naming options is Asriel], and I don’t know how they’d take to being called a replacement sibling. I think for the while, Kris would be too busy geeking out of over the Angel of Hyperdeath form to actually fight against Asriel, and probably agrees more with his vein of escapism. I think Kris carries too much of the Dreemurr fatal flaw of nostalgia to properly refute it and break the barrier.

I was just thinking about Undertale/Deltarune crossovers and how due to the different natures of the protagonists they could never tell the same story...

#deltarune #undertale #undertale deltarune parallels #headcanons #me posting? wow #just a ramble

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heavenoutside · 2 years

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wait i want to keep writing because its cathartic and as much as i like being Mysterious Online i deeply seek connection and love you all enough to share this with you

ok so i was more secluded socially than i had been in a while so i cut a hole in my fly screen window and started getting high in my room almost every day... i’d stick a towel under the door but that was doing nothing at all.

i had a falling out with my other friend group at the time, all the dropkick boys. we had gone to primary school together (me for 1 year because we move around a lot and i went to 3 primary schools). we would get high and drink and light fireworks on the school oval we were all poor and would like... watch rented horror movies and think about schemes to get more weed.

my best friend at that time was american and his parents would let us smoke and drink at his place because they were the type to be like ‘if your going to do it do it at our house’. we had a big falling out for another reason i forget.

at this time and just before i was forming all of these strong male friendships that like... maybe to me felt more than that... the first one of these times i probably was in love with one of these friends he was a 4chan guy at school who had an absentee chef dad so we’d talk all night long but then he moved to melbourne and i was like... why do i feel so heartbroken lol.

i’d spend every night getting high and watching Planet Earth or listening to Aquemini / other ‘classic hip hop’ albums because i was well on my way to becoming a hiphopfightsback type. not really i was just like... what if i only listened to 90s hip hop and 2012 internet rap to distance myself from the rock dog and triple j type beat friends i just lost.

it led to me producing so much bad bad bad bad music at home on a cracked logic pro... i didn't even know what like; quantisation was at that point let alone parallel compression. it was mainly like; bad chopped and screwed versions of songs i liked. i would later just release 2 chopped and screwed ep’s on bandcamp.

i was going by metal masks which was just because i was such a big DOOM head... kind of cringe but kind of sweet... i was also interested in making like score? i made a little project that was an attempt at a Galactus Score? idk.... i also made all the cover art and wrote lyrics for gus’ lofi surf rock origins. i remember waking up at like 3pm one day to a bunch of fervent messages from people i didn't know being like “send gus the stems” but i didn't even save the project file.... lol.... one of those people messaging ran a label in cbr but will be working at the same school as me next year? its funny how life be like that...

i was just a hip hop white boy screaming out onto the internet, sinking deep into the darkest depression that to this day ive never recovered from... within the coming years i would have moved house in the span of 5 days post divorce, attended school but told not to come back for year 12 because my depression and anxiety could not be handled by the school staff, abusing my anti anxiety medication and seeing a psych who would diagnose me with “chronic derealisation” (which i think was just her not picking me as autistic). it was a bad time! i’m trying not to ruminate on the bad but genuinely the thing that sticks out moreso is the connections... the people.. u all

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lorettylauren93 · 2 years

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Am I The Asshole?

I’m 28 years old. I got with my ex husband straight after high school in 2011, got married in 2013, and got divorced in 2019. He was a very controlling person, manipulative, mentally abusive, and narcissistic. I wasn’t allowed to see my family, friends, have a job, buy things that I liked, or drive.

I have trouble with depression. I was diagnosed as bipolar at eight. Him and his family didn’t believe in mental illness or going doctors, so I was left untreated for years until 2020, when I found out I also have PTSD, generalized anxiety and panic attacks, and was severely depressed. His family and him had always made snide remarks on how I was lazy or nasty, how I never wanted to do anything that pertained to them gaining something in return, and would intentionally threaten me with bodily harm whenever I would state my opinion if it opposed theirs.

I was cut off from my family. I had no kind of support from them. I might’ve gotten to see my mom once every six months; my father once every two or three years. His reasoning behind it was that I had too many things to do around the house (like cooking, cleaning, paying the bills, feeding the animals)because he was too busy with work. He never wanted to do anything I wanted to do, but as soon as I would leave to spend a weekend with my mom or spend a week with my dad, he would go take his family and do what I had mentioned doing and bragged about it to me. The entire time I would be gone, he would make remarks on how my attitude was poor and that I needed to stop acting like a snob and would eventually tell me that I needed to come home on an exact day or that there would be issues.

It was like this for years.

It eventually got to the point that if I ate anything, he’d make a comment about my weight, and if I tried to lose weight he’d tell me that it wouldn’t do me any good because I’d just quit and eat junk.

In 2016, I found out he (27 yo at the time) had cheated on me with an underaged girl. Not that he told me when it happened, but finally broke it to me when state troopers had came by to get his statement about it and they made the remark that he might as well tell me the truth. I was heartbroken. Disgusted. I was ready to leave. But I didn’t because he had gotten his mom to convince me to stay just until the trial.

So I did. I stayed through him being put on house arrest, went to each hearing, and his trial. Then they convinced me again to stay to take care of the bills and animals in his absence. So I did.

I spent the entirety of his incarceration (5 mos) taking care of the house and our animals, but also having to be cut off from my family once again. Not allowed to go see them, have them visit, anything. I wasn’t allowed to leave the house unless it was to his visitations or to get groceries.

His mother and sister made my life hell in that duration by starting fights whenever I would say that it was his fault he did what he did, or that I didn’t feel bad for him. I overheard his mother drunkenly make a remark saying that some people needed to get over themselves because her son didn’t have to make anything up to them (me).

It was an every night thing for five months.

He gets out and stands by his word for maybe two months before it fell right back into the same thing; the name calling, the angry outbursts, making small attempts to physically hurt me then playing it off that I shouldn’t have done that or it wouldn’t happen.

Since then, I’ve sank father into a deeper low and I had severe self image and self confidence issues. Let alone trust issues.

He got a job at Taco Bell to be able to be eligible for parole, and then that’s when things would get worse. He started fixating on certain females at his job. He’d talk about them incessantly, to the point where it was almost obsessive. I would ask him to stop any and all contact with them because it made me feel uncomfortable. He did, but without a snide remark about how I was controlling.

Come 2018-2019, he had fixated on another female at work. It started out as innocent friend and then grew to the point where they would be on the phone all the time and going out and doing things without me, or when I would be invited to do anything, she had to come along.

It was really uncomfortable and when I say my gut was in knots, I could’ve docked a boat.

December of 2018, I had enough. I caught him at her mother’s place and told him to come home and we got into an argument over it, in which it ended with him saying he wanted a separation. My married was over. I lost over 30 pounds from the torture he had put me through by kicking me out of my own house, ignoring me, and verbally abusing me when he’d be on the phone with her.

I didn’t have anywhere to go. I didn’t have a job, until I finally landed one as a CNA at the hospital in our town. I finally ended up moving out. We got divorced in 2019. I didn’t fight him for anything. I didn’t have the funds to get a lawyer.

Fast forward to now, I’m now confident enough to speak out about his abuse and the fact he’s a ped0 and blasted him over TikTok. His family found it and they blew me up saying how much of a POS I am and that he could make one about me being lazy and nasty.

Am I the ass hole?

#am i the asshole #ptsdsurvivor #domestic violent relationships

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