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thinkingaboutbetterdays · 9 months

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moving on and letting go. ( mac taylor x reader )

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Mac was an experienced and respected detective who commanded the respect of his team. He was charismatic, intelligent, and had an air of authority that captivated those around him. You admired Mac not only for his professional prowess but also for his kindness and unwavering support. For six months, you longed for his attention, hoping that one day, he would notice your feelings.

One night, a year after you joined the team while you were leaving the lab after a long day, it happened. Mac caught up with you at the elevator, and as you discussed the case that had been disturbing and, at times, felt hopeless, he expressed his admiration for your sharp instincts and unwavering determination as you carried out your duties with unmatched passion and dedication. Taking the chance, you asked him out for a drink, and from there, your relationship grew in ways you had often daydreamed of.

When you first joined the lab and began to learn and form friendships with the team it was Danny who told you about Claire’s death and you couldn’t imagine moving on from such a trauma and had seen Mac go on dates, struggling to move on from the tragic end of his previous romance. He had never truly let go of Claire, and her memory lingered in the depths of his mind.

When the phone rang that evening you knew it was Mac on the other end, and knew your intimate plans were going to be set aside for a case. You had canceled or rearranged plans in previous relationships, one of the downfalls of being a CSI but dating Mac you were learning how it felt to be drinking alone, the excitement fading into disappointment.

However, cracks soon began to show. Mac kept his distance in the lab, even going as far as to remove your hand from his cheek when Stella entered the room. You were hurt by his actions, and Mac continued to keep your relationship out of the lab. However, when you were alone, his tone shifted, and his eyes held emotions you believed were reserved for you. But you had known him long enough to know Mac still loved his ex-fiancée Claire and always would love her in some sense, but when he mumbled her name in his sleep, it was the first time you doubted how much he cared about you and if he was truly ready to move on. One evening, during a particularly stressful case, Mac called to cancel your plans to have dinner together which was fine, but when he called you by his exes name, it cut deep into your heart, and although you knew it was an innocent mistake, it only cemented the idea in your mind that Mac was still in love with Claire, and if he was haunted by her, how could he love you?

"Let me guess, you caught a cold one and can't make it, but you love me and will make it up to me when the case is over?"

You weren't mad at him for canceling, but the mistaken identity a few nights before had earned your avoidance tactics in the office, although Mac hadn’t seemed to notice or at least he hadn’t said anything about it, and the thought that he cared for you so little, only drove the knife deeper into your heart.

"Am I really that predictable?"

"Yes, but I'll let it go."

"I'm sorry about tonight. I was looking forward to it."

You smiled softly, "Me too.”

The words left him before he could process them, “I love you, Claire.”

Now, faced with his unintentional slip of the tongue, Mac felt a mix of regret and confusion. He realized that calling you by Claire’s name had created an unexpected barrier between you both at that moment, feeling it instantly.

This was not the first time hearing him say 'I love you’, but the sentiment lost all meaning when it was followed by her name.

“I’m sorry -”

“I better check on dinner.” You sighed, “Night, Mac.”

You ended the call and looked around his apartment, lifting the glass of wine on the kitchen counter to your lips. You had never felt uncomfortable in his place, as if you didn't belong there until that night, so you fled the apartment and slept in your own place for the first time in weeks.

Determined to make amends, Mac mustered up the courage to confront you about his mistake. He arrived home in the early hours of the morning, expecting, or rather hoping to find you there, but when he saw dinner wrapped and waiting for him, and his bed empty he knew you had gone home. He sighed as he heated the dinner you had taken from your grandmother’s recipes and as he sat in the quiet apartment, with only the faint sounds of the city to keep him company, Mac’s guilt grew and he debated calling you but it was nearing 2 am and he didn't want to wake you.

That night you began to scrutinize every second of your relationship with Mac. Why didn’t he want the team to know you were dating? Why did he keep calling you Claire? Did he only say I love you so he could imagine he was saying it to her?

While Mac pondered his accidental slip of the tongue, looking at photographs of Claire he realized he had unintentionally let his unresolved feelings for Claire influence his actions. He put away all of Claire’s pictures, before finally, reluctantly, going to bed. He looked over at the empty space beside him with a sigh, missing the way you, even when you were fast asleep, would immediately curl into his arms.

The next day Mac entered the lab determined to find you and apologize, only to find out that you were called with Flack to a crime scene ten minutes ago. He tried throughout the day to find time to speak to you, searching the lab when his conscious wouldn’t allow him to focus on the paperwork on his desk, but each time you were nowhere to be found. And after the third time, Mac concluded that you were avoiding him.

He knew you would turn up eventually and worked on an experiment for a case he was investigating and after forty minutes you entered while his back was turned, greeting Danny who was also working in the lab. You paused when Mac turned and knew from the slight raise of his eyebrow that he knew you were actively avoiding him at all costs.

“Can we talk?”

You glanced at Danny who looked between you both and knew he would have many questions later. You nodded your head and Mac followed you out of the room, and as you were walking down an empty hallway you began to relay findings by the medical examiner about your current case until Mac decided what he needed to say couldn’t wait any longer.

“My vic died from a shotgun wound leaving a cookie cutter shape behind.”

“Caused by pellet separation.”

“Peyton said it’s an indicator of a close-range shot. Add it to the wadding in the wounds - she estimated four feet or less. I think the victim fought off the shooter -”

Mac held your arm gently and you looked at the ground, fearing what was to come, sure it was going to be the end of your relationship.

“Y/N, I’m sorry.”

You nodded slightly, swallowing the lump in your throat as you met his gaze.

“I’m sorry for what happened. I want to talk maybe over lunch or coffee."

As the days turned into weeks, Mac made a genuine effort to rectify his past actions. He showered you with kindness, support, and understanding. He went above and beyond to prove that you were the one he truly wanted by his side and how grateful and lucky he felt that you were. Together, you worked on cases, shared countless conversations, and gradually built a bond stronger than ever before.

Alhough you were hurt, you still appreciated his honesty and vulnerability. Deep down, you cherished the hope that Mac could eventually see you for who you truly were—a woman who cared deeply for him. But for now, you believed you needed to go your separate ways.

He frowned as he began to speak, but you beat him to it. "I always wondered why you didn't want anyone knowing we were together. But I did a lot of thinking last night, and it is unfair to me and to you to start something now when you're not ready." He kept silent as you continued, "I love you. But I can't go on like this anymore, Mac."

"I'm sorry." He began. "I kept a distance between us at work because I'm also your boss and people would talk, and I was trying to prevent you getting hurt. I know I failed, I hurt you and I'm sorry. I can do better. I will do better if you give me one more chance. That's all I'm asking."

You stared at him, tears falling down your cheeks and shaking your head. Before Mac could step away, you stepped forward to place a hand on his cheek. And Mac glanced away briefly, wanting to prolong the moment you broke up with him as he was sure it was coming. However, now that you understood, now that he had explained, you were overwhelmed by your love for the detective and didn't care who knew it, proving so when you kissed him.

When you broke away for air, Mac held your arms as his eyes bore into yours, promising he would make it up to you. And after informing you that he had stored Claire's photographs away, he was already off to a good start.

In the beginning, you were torn between your love for Mac and the fear of being hurt, cautiously allowed yourself to be vulnerable once again. And although he called you 'Claire' once more for the final time, you saw the genuine changes in him, witnessed his growth, and realized that sometimes, love requires forgiveness and patience. Through the ups and downs, your relationship blossomed, transcending the boundaries of a professional partnership.

You held his gaze for a moment before looking away as you attempted to hold back your tears. "I don't think that's a good idea, Mac."

In the end, you and Mac discovered that true love isn't always straightforward. It can be messy, filled with mistakes, and past baggage. But with open hearts and a willingness to grow, you found solace in each other's arms.

#mac taylor #mac taylor x reader #csi new york

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