the truth is, i do not think that it is useful nor helpful to treat rape and sexual abuse of any kind as singularly evil things that will damage and destroy victims forever and leaves them unworthy of life, and whose perpetrators are also singularly evil people who were born evil and need to be erased from society in order to get rid of rape existing at all. i do not think it is helpful to anybody including victims to tell them that rape and sexual abuse has damaged them permanently and that they have less worth as a human being for having been through that specific kind of abuse/assault. i do not think it is useful to treat sexual violence as completely different from other forms of violence, something that must remain taboo and that has no link to any other form of abuse and violence that might be perpetrated. it is especially not helpful when the very existence of transgender women is treated as sexual violence and a violation to protect cisgender women and children from. it is not helpful when victims of sexual violence are treated as damaged goods, when the sexual violence they've been through is either/both so taboo it cannot be spoken out loud, or something that marks them out as a potential perpetrator of said violence bc they have been forever broken by it.

i love to see people who are like "you can talk about csa but not around minors that's gross!" like idk how to tell you this but. who do you think is getting csa'd. i'll give you a hint: the first letter in csa does not stand for "adult"

it's really such a bizarre thing to see the people on this site accuse every other trans woman of being a pedophile for literally any inconvenience as someone who was groomed, raped, and lived in a home with two pedophiles. i've seen how they get their hooks into kids first hand and i've seen how they escape accountability and gaslight and lie. all this first hand knowledge of the violence they inflict, and yet people on this site call a bitch a pedophile for literally anything. i was gonna say "unapproved kinks" but honestly, it's literally for anything. like yeah maybe they got one right once or something, but their batting average is really really bad and none of them actually know the signs of grooming or pedophilia.

“This 98-year-old woman has had a total of 622 ‘descendants’…because at age 16 she married a 50-year-old widower with 10 children, SOME OF WHOM WERE OLDER THAN HER AND HAD THEIR OWN KIDS ALREADY, and then had 13 more children by him, but news outlets report on it like a cute human interest story”

sounds like an SNL skit where the “straight man” character gets increasingly disturbed while everyone else acts happy and charmed

And. Fucking. Yet.

going further. franks child self was living in that one room with a strange weirdo boy he dreamed up but never really had. now his inner child isn’t alone anymore. he plays games with his real charlie in their terrible one room apartment. getting weird with it and being okay with being weird no matter what everyone on the outside might think. sharing a bed together to feel the comfort in being close to that

macs child self had charlie the whole time. inseparable. a package deal. the most genuine connection and comfort in both of their neglected tiny lives. not just because they were otherwise alone. decades later theyre not going anywhere. now their inner child rides bikes together they throw rocks at trains together they teach each other about the world just like they needed so desperately in old times

dennis’ child self never had charlie. not until highschool. but that was exactly when he experienced his csa. his inner child found charlie at the exact right moment. caught him when he fell. he got his child self back through charlie just as he lost feeling. and now what do the two of them do together? they go recreate memories and recapture lost youth with a mutual unspoken understanding of why

they all need charlie. relaxing into his genuine youthful energy lets them feel that way again.

"you shouldn't tell people to kill themselves" freaks hiding on anon to accuse me of sexually abusing my 15 year old brother don't count as "people", and if that's the first thing you thought after seeing someone accuse me of sexually abusing my 15 year old brother, you should take your little moral lesson and shove it up your fucking ass before i tell you to croak too. my patience only goes so far

I don't know if I've mentioned it on here before, but I've mentioned it elsewhere, that I probably wouldn't be able to maintain a relationship, romantic or otherwise, with an anti. Whether they're the feral ''kys'' type anti or not.

A lot of people seem to misinterpret that as me letting pointless fandom drama control my relationships, but that's genuinely not the reality. Fictional squicks are not the issue here; the treating fictional anything like it's comparable to my lived trauma is, and that is a thing that all antis do.

I don't care if lolicon and incest fiction makes you uncomfortable, you are allowed to be uncomfortable, but the reality is this shit is fiction, and fiction is not the same as 13-17 year old me getting sexually assaulted by multiple different adults on multiple different occasions.

I simply would not be able to maintain a relationship of any kind with someone who thinks a fucking drawing is in any way comparable to what those men did to me!

not to make angst out of a fucking gag but also thinking about the silly au rei in the final episode makes me think about how different rei would be if she didn’t have literally the worst dad ever. like, no, she probably wouldn’t have been the upbeat adhd whirlwind in the high school au lmao. but it does just make me think. because while all the pilots lives are incredibly marked by trauma, rei's the only one to have never had access to any sort of normal life. her entire personality and worldview is shaped from being isolated, groomed, and taught to see herself as a tool and not a person. and then i just get so sad that she never had any chance of a normal life where she could discover herself and what she is. she went from being abused and manipulated by gendō (which is made even worse with the implications certain scenes leave about their relationship) to becoming god. she never had any chance of living a normal life. and just like. fuck.

small compilation of Lily Orchard regarding her critics/victims with sexual, derogatory, or violent language (or wishing to cause them harm in some way shape or form) Unfortunately this is just a very small sample of the absolute venom being spat. In all honesty hearing her speak this way is triggering in of itself.

this’d be MUCH longer if I made a full compilation of Lilys DARVO behavior.

Highlight to her calling ILoveKimPossibleALot a slur at timestamp 3:08.

Highlight to her implying she’d murder Courtney at timestamp 4:14.

This isn’t my usual type of posting on this blog, me being autistic about my interests will resume shortly.

this may be controversial but maybe the "astarion and halsin are SO sexually traumatised that you should literally cut your own dick off before thinking abt them romantically you disgusting freaks" goon squad should consider the ramifications of essentially insisting assault survivors be permanently excluded from any kind of sex and romance bc they are too broken and stupid to be trusted to know their own desires and boundaries or have the capacity to want to explore/push them.

you know real survivors (not pixel men but real ppl like me!) can read that shit? do you think pushing the lie that encountering one (1) Genital Wielded With Intent will invariably cause us to crumble to a miserably weepy heap of dust and blow away in the breeze is appreciated or helpful? or implying the people that love or desire us are selfish at best and outright predators at worst?

i'm begging ppl to just be 2% normal about abuse survivors PLEASE. the characters aren't real but the attitude you drag from fandom back into the real world are.

YES THANK YOU FOR POINTING OUT WHAT JAMES DID TO JAMIE IN AMSTERDAM WAS COVERT INCEST. forcing him to have sex with that woman constitutes child sexual abuse. he sexually abused jamie, and i think when you take that into account a lot of jamie's character makes more and more sense.

Exactly!! There's a total lack of boundaries in their relationship that I think is kind of disturbing when you take Amsterdam into account. The fact that James insists on barging into the locker room while the boys are changing, the fact that Jamie completely changes his appearance when he's back at City (presumably because James likes him to look a certain way), the way he's so comfortable demanding things from Jamie, etc - James definitely views Jamie as "his" or as an extension of him rather than as his own person.

Amsterdam was like. An amalgamation of all of that. James used an outside actor with little agency as a proxy to sexually violate his child, because he believes that Jamie is his and he can do whatever he wants to him. If he thinks "losing your virginity" (barf) super young makes you more of a man, then he'll just take Jamie's whenever he sees fit. It doesn't matter what Jamie wants because Jamie is his

So yes it makes a ton of sense to me that this would manifest similar to incest trauma on Jamie's end. He was physically violated by someone else, but almost all of the emotional violation and betrayal and dehumanization that comes along with rape was coming from James.

Also kind of troubling to me on this note that Jamie compared James to Freddy Krueger, notoriously a child molester who stalked & killed his "favorite" victims once they'd grown up

well, friends. i’m sure a good lot of you have seen this post. i was denied today. i have to contact a lawyer and i don't even know how to begin advocating for myself outside of simply contacting the firm an ex-friend of mine used to obtain disability.

if you would rather not read the whole vent, i completely understand. but if you would still like to provide answers or support to me, here are my main issues.

i need advice from others who have been denied disability and have gone through a lawyer to obtain it. i need advice on what to do about getting started with victim advocacy. that's about it, i reckon. i love you all. my dm's are open. you will be blocked if you clown.

and yes, i realize my stim blog is not the place to talk about this. i understand, but this is my largest audience and i feel i would be a fool to not post this somewhere it may be actually received.

tw for mental health talk / long vent under the cut, particularly of the despairing kind, and also mentions of CSA / CSAM, psychosis, and my general disabilities. if this post needs more trigger tags, please let me know and i'll add them.

my whole life i have been treated as if i am not struggling because i can do the bare minimum to keep myself alive. i can survive, but never thrive, and even surviving now has become difficult. i can't feed myself regularly, my guardians do that for me. i can't stand for longer than a few minutes at a time without extreme duress and pain, which makes cleaning, showering, and going out super difficult and beyond draining. i can understand abstract concepts and certain ideas and am emotionally intelligent, but i struggle heavily with understanding money or how government works, particularly when it comes to laws and loopholes. i don't know when i'm "being had", as it were, and others have pointed this out to me throughout my adulthood. it feels as though this entire disability journey has been me "being had". they gave me something to cling on to, the possibility i may be able to receive real help, and it seems as though they basically knew the whole time they were going to deny me again. for the fourth time. i know that is unrealistic but, it does feel that way.

i wrote several full length books when i was a child / young teenager, and had two published. i won't share the titles because i have outgrown what i wrote and find them childish and frankly embarrassing, but everyone upon learning that i have written and had novels published, immediately jumps to the conclusion that i am some kind of self-sufficient, incredibly intelligent and capable person. i have never once been able to effectively take care of myself. without my guardians, i wouldn't be able to manage money, insurance, bills, cars, groceries, among other things. i don't even halfway understand how insurance on anything even works despite having been shown how it works.

i can see something, be "taught" to the best of someone's ability, and i will still not be able to learn. this has been a constant issue throughout my life, and the american public school system has continually helped these issues perpetuate. all schooling has done is teach me how to parrot back concepts and ideas, remember them for a limited amount of time before losing them to the void, and not how to fundamentally understand and learn them or utilize them in daily life. even higher education was like this, and i was not able to thrive throughout my experience with college despite making mostly okay grades (i cheated and lied a lot, okay. i'm not proud of it but i felt i had to get through or i would be severely punished). i had to a sign an agreement that i personally still do not fully understand to "obtain" my associate's degree, and i do not know why despite the fact it was explained to me, in detail. the information has not registered, and i now no longer have anyone that was involved in said agreement to explain it to me. everyone i say this to is like, "what? that doesn't make any sense." and i'm like. yeah. it doesn't, and i have zero ability to explain it to them in a way that makes sense.

i mention my associate's degree because i am sure in some form or fashion it was used against me in the disability process, since i was "able to complete higher education". also it should be noted i did an early college program. also probably has been used against me. also cheated through most of it.

people have always considered my kind of autism to be hyper competent, since it appeared that way when i was a child, despite showing several signs that i was struggling with a math-centric learning disability, called dyscalculia. i have since deteriorated to the point of barely having the knowledge a young adult should have, about how life works financially and honestly in general.

i have extreme fear about what may happen to me without proper assistance. my guardians will be able to take care of me for some time, but after that? that feels like a black hole to me. it doesn't exist nor will it while i am under-assisted, and this black hole fills me with utter despair. i try not to let it permeate my daily life, so as to not dwell in a future that doesn't exist yet and has the possibility for change. but god. it fills me with literal existential dread, and it is becoming so much more difficult to ignore the older i get.

a lot of factors have been used against me my entire life to deny me assistance, and these reasons being yet another factor has really dredged up a lot of shit from my past.

this is besides the point, but i also learned recently that CSAM was made and distributed of me when i was a child and wow. that has hit me in ways i cannot even describe. part of me is like, why was i not allowed to know after the fact, even when i became an adult? i was directly involved. why did no one tell me my abuser was convicted for counts of spreading CSAM, and that they lied directly to the court system about their inappropriate actions with me? i was disenfranchised in more ways than one by more than one person on allowance of my abuser, and i am just now hearing about it. i don't know how to deal and i don't know how to get started with victim advocacy in my area.

but at the same time, whilst being treated as severely more competent than i am, i have also been infantilized relentlessly, by nearly everyone around me. how does this make any sense. i feel incredibly stupid and uninformed and at the same time privy to things about my disabilities others are not, while not being able to effectively communicate it. i feel i am screaming and begging for help, nearly at my wits end with a lot of things, and all of it is reading as "owie booboo" to anyone who could do anything to help. i feel i am falling through the cracks, and i fear having to crawl back up through them. i fear i won't make the trek. i fear i will lose motivation and let myself rot. it feels like no one in a position of power has taken a true effort to really help me and i cannot help or advocate for myself. i am very scared.

on top of all of that stuff, i am withdrawing pretty heavily from cymbalta, experiencing heightened panic attacks every day, PNES (psychogenic non-epileptic seizures), more episodes of psychosis and hallucinating than i'm used to, all of my mental and physical issues are out of control, and now this disability stuff. i also won't be able to see a psychiatrist for...maybe a week or so more, so no bridge meds till then.

these last couple weeks have just really kicked me down. thank you for reading if you got this far. i appreciate you more than you know and i have no idea where i would be without y'all and this blog. i love you all so very much.

-ish

a tactic of abusive parents that i don't see brought up very often: convincing their victims that child protective services are evil and that foster parents would certainly be even more abusive than their current circumstances

ok i've decided i want to infodump about vee and nova a little after all! because uhh not only am i impatient because autism but i also. want to dip my toes into talking about this. just days ago i was still terrified but now i am Tentatively Brave... if i can talk about it here casually like this then i should be able to write a more formal summary later some other time

i've tagged this post appropriately (at least i think i have, feel free to suggest if i should add more) but also a heads up here too before i keep talking that while i'm not going into graphic detail on anything there are STRONG themes of organized sexual abuse of a child, sexual abuse of animals, and grooming! (there are no disturbing visuals in this post, just text)

IF YOU CAN'T READ THIS POST THAT'S OKAY I STILL LOVE U

takes a deep breath alright so the deal with these two. back all the way in 2021, i decided i wanted to make "vent ocs" as in i just wanted some concrete/consistent designs i could use in vent art drawings that weren't a direct reflection of what i envision myself to look like or whatever. i was going through a lot in 2021, in december 2020 i had just gotten my first big repressed memory back and my life was in a whirlwind of change and heavily increased PTSD and DID symptoms, so i was using art a lot as an outlet. in the end i settled on this drawing, based on the design taste i would have had as a young person (god the quality is so old now LOL i've improved a lot but anyway)

i was intending for these two to be just visual designs and nothing more than that but i got attached and actually ended up giving them a whole storyline and everything, which is something i admittedly hadn't done in a long time up to that point so that's cool.

the reason i preface explaining the premise of the storyline with this is because i think it's important to acknowledge that these two are intrinsically tied with my real life and the feelings i experience as a CSA/OA survivor. not because i think someone has to go through awful things to write or draw about them necessarily, but because i am passionate about expressing myself. it's important for me to be seen in some way, to be heard after years of silence. it is not safe for me mentally to share the exact details of my abuse online rn (and please don't ask for them!) but i also don't want these two to be removed from the message that i survived something and this is me making art about that in an abstracted and magical way with a fictional universe that brings me a lot of comfort. i hope this makes sense lol

oh and also with that in mind if you think for even a second any of this is a weird sex thing for me or some shit please stop reading this post and go do something else with your time. this is my trauma expression and i don't need to be compared to the people i was abused by when i was a literal toddler thank you!

AANYWAY so! premise! gonna be point blank with it! vee (not her original name but shh) is born as a normal 100% human girl, aka without the eevee ears and tail. she is groomed from a very young age (like, toddler age) and eventually abducted by her groomers which happen to be members of... well right now it's team rocket because i haven't spent the time to worldbuild a new villainous pokemon organization yet. roll with me here. she is taken to a remote facility out in the middle of fucking nowhere and is never returned to her previous life or family.

Why? well i'm glad you asked! the org is running a bunch of different experiments in this facility and one of them happens to be trying to enable humans reproducing with pokemon. this doubles as both a money thing and a power thing. they seek out a child as the victim of these horrible experiments because children are easily malleable. way easier to control a child than an adult who already has a firm identity/self.

vee is the child they chose. surgery is forcibly done on her to give her working eevee ears and tail, and also like, fuck with her body chemistry and stuff. she's biologically part eevee now. yes this is bullshit pokemon magic science LMAO but she is kept in this facility and chronically sexually abused for a few years by pairing her with various mons and trying to get eggs to happen.

the experiment isn't working though so they hypothesize that giving her a dedicated partner, especially of the same evolutionary line, would help, and they raise nova from birth as an eevee to take on that role. eventually the two of them are paired together. despite the acts they are forced to commit on each other and the abuse they endure, they actually become inseparable very quickly cause like. they don't have anyone else. and also they just genuinely care about each other. additionally at this point nova has evolved into an espeon and has telepathic powers, so him and vee can communicate linguistically with each other, so you know that helps

generally my current focus of this story is in the early years, when vee is 12 and younger, before they start realizing that shit is fucked up and they need to escape (up until that hypothetical point they have been successfully groomed into believing everything happening to them was not abuse/was normal). i have left out a metric fuckton of detail here just to get across the basic premise. i am constantly exploring vee's psyche, nova's psyche, it's like an in depth exploration of the mind of an abused child in horrific circumstances and god it's cathartic. i love these two so fucking much

btw i guess this art has more context now huh haha after i infodumped off the plot to my sister they looked at this art again and was like. OHHH THIS IS EVEN MORE OMINOUS AND HARD TO LOOK AT WITH CONTEXT. AND I WAS LIKE YEAH!!!! YOU SEE THE VISION!!! THE SYMBOLISM!! ETC!!!!

uh yeah if you read this far thank you and i just wanna say i've been building up the courage to talk about these two for GENUINELY two years, it has been over 2 full years since that initial drawing, and i am nervous and jittery posting this but i do not want to die without having shared my work with the world and i'm willing to take the risks to get my voice out there. so you reading it is very much appreciated ur like my first step into being more confident as a survivor lol

oh and fwiw despite these guys being so correlated with my trauma it's not offensive to make headcanons or ask me questions about them or compliment darker art of them however you want, in fact i love that shit!! please i've been holding these guys back for two years i have so much to say that hasn't been said. as much as i am nervous i am EXCITED

I'm struggling with words, which I guess is why we leave it to Riku to make the Good Posts, but throwing the "lets make it sound like a good post" and just focusing on saying what I'm thinking

But I think a really common misunderstanding / stuck point that traumatized folk get stuck in is that your present pain is proof of the hurt that happened in the past and its sometimes the only proof and acknowledgement to what horrible shit happened in the past. Sometimes being in pain is the only way to feel like a "real survivor" and the only way to show that what happened really happened and to be taken seriously.

But as you recover, that pain in the present lessens, and some might have the irrational (but valid) idea that as you feel less pain, the reality of the trauma becomes lighter, that it becomes any more "ok", that you go from a "survivor" to a not-traumatized person as PTSD symptoms go in remission - but that's really not the case.

As you recover a lot of the time, you just begin to be rooted less in the past and begin engaging in your life despite what had happened. Your life becomes more about what you are doing now and less about what had happened to you. Life goes on, but just because life goes on doesn't give excuses to what had happened or the abusers, it doesn't disappear the damage done and the context that experience had to your present self, it doesn't make the hurt you felt then disappear. All it is, is moving forward and when moving forward, you are still you.

If you don't want to identify as a survivor as you heal, that is totally fair and amazing, but also, no amount of healing will take away my right to being a survivor. It defined a large part of my life and what made me who I am today.

I'm not so sure and don't have such clarity with my words to put it in a neat bow tie Riku does, but I think what I am trying to say is that it is okay to let yourself feel good and experience life - that feeling good and experience life doesn't negate or disqualify your trauma or undermine the pain you went through.

You can hold the truth of your trauma in your past and your happiness in the present together, at the same time, in the same space, as a singular part / person.

not to be problematic on main, but i’m obsessed with the idea that someone in house atreides is abusing paul on the dl but they’re so gentle and sweet about it that he just assumes this is a normal and appropriate relationship

then of course, he hears the rumors about the goings on in house harkonnen and he realizes he’s being taken advantage of, but it felt so much like love

grips you by the shoulders THE PARALLELS THE PARALLELS BETWEEN HIM AND FEYD RAUTHA