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lieslab · 4 months

Text

Skz finds you struggling with self-harm

꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎

Pairing: Og8 X gn reader

Genre: Angst & comfort/hurt

Word Count: 10.8k

A/N: This was a request and each member deals with a different type of behavior that can be considered a form of self-harm. To whoever requested this, I'm sorry for taking about a week. In a word document, this is about forty-five pages, so thank you for being patient while waiting. I hope you can find some comfort here <3

_ _ _

Bang Chan:

TW: Cigarettes and brief mention of cancer.

"What is this?" Chan gestured towards you.

"What does it look like?" You grumbled with the end of the cigarette in the corner of your mouth.

You ignored your boyfriend and kept glancing off into the darkened sky. You thought he was asleep as you stepped out onto your balcony, but apparently not. Either he wasn't asleep or you accidentally woke him up when you snuck out of your shared bed.

He stayed quiet while he observed you. You ignored his heavy gaze and pretended he wasn't there. You adjusted the cigarette back to the middle of your mouth. The end glowed a warm orange while you inhaled another mouthful of the smoke.

The oversized hoodie hung off your body. You threw it on hoping it'd catch the scent of nicotine instead of your pajamas. Silence hung over the two of you along with the stars. You didn't utter a word. Quite frankly, you didn't want to tell your boyfriend why you were outside on your balcony smoking a cigarette at 4am.

It was almost like he could read your mind. You exhaled and the tendrils of smoke drifted off into the distance. Realizing this was his chance, Chan broke the silence.

"Do you wanna talk abo-"

"Nope," you cut him off.

He pressed his lips together trying to figure out what to say to you. He knew whatever you were going through was bad. You only turn to cigarettes when life seems unbearable. Too caught up in his own life, he hadn't realized you were struggling so much. Worry and guilt began to nip at him.

He had shifted to wrap his arm around you in the bed, but you weren't there. When he opened his eyes, he was met with a barren bed and your silhouette outside on the balcony. He knew what you were doing the moment he opened the balcony door. He was instantly engulfed by the scent of tobacco.

No wonder you tasted so much like peppermint lately. Chewing peppermint gum, one piece after the next. Showing up to his studio tasting like mouthwash. You brushed your teeth after you smoked. Swishing around mouthwash and chasing the mouth-burning liquid with more minty gum hoping it'd block out the scent.

"Bad day?" He finally offered.

You snickered, "more like a bad life."

His heart squeezed in his chest at your remark. Surely, you didn't associate him with the bad part of your life, did you? Yeah, he was busy a lot because of his job, but what about the times you shared? Was it all bad?

Sensing his worry, you changed your wording.

"It's not a bad life, but things seem to be piling up lately. It's one thing after the next after the next. I purchase a pack of cigarettes and then the nicotine releases dopamine. I know it's bad, but it brings me a state of peace. Is it terrible to just want to relax for a while?"

"No," he admitted after a few silent seconds. "It's not bad, but it's dangerous."

You let out a sigh and closed your eyes. In the brazen moonlight, Chan could see everything. The full moon lit up every feature of your face. Seeing you like this beneath the soft glow, he wanted to smile, but your words twisted him with trepidation.

"I know I should care," you reopened your eyes. You blinked trying to hide the tears building up. "But honestly, I really don't give a shit. It says right on the box that it can cause lung cancer. I already feel rotten enough on the inside, so maybe it's what I deserve."

"Nobody deserves that."

You stared down at the burning cigarette in your hand. Embers drifted into the darkness while others scattered onto the ground below. The rolled paper around the cigarette continued to burn. Your brain begged for you to take another hit of the nicotine, but now your heart was in turmoil.

"You are an adult, you know. You're free to live your life as you wish. No matter what you choose to do, I can't stop you. However, as your significant other, I don't want to see you hurt."

"I know," your voice came out weak. All those emotions you had been suppressing were coming up again. "Can I be honest?"

"Of course, you can."

"I hate the taste of them," you chuckled and dropped the cigarette. The heel of your shoe crushed it into the ground. Your fingers gripped the metal ledge of the fence around the balcony.

Chan didn't utter a sound.

"It's been going on for a while, unfortunately. For a month, at least, and I'm not sure if I can easily stop." You hung your hands together over the edge of the railing.

"That's alright, you don't have to quit cold turkey. Maybe try to wean yourself off of them, okay?"

"Okay."

Tobacco stained your teeth. The soured flavor clung to your tongue. The scent draped over you like a heavy curtain. You bit down on the inside of your cheek wondering how you were going to pull yourself away from the thing you spent the past month finding comfort in.

"You don't have to do it alone," Chan spoke up again. "I'll be right here if you need me. You can talk to me whenever you need to."

You nodded your head.

"Do you want to discuss what made you turn to them in the first place?"

"Not really."

"Then we don't have to do that." He turned back to the moon and changed the topic. "The full moon is beautiful tonight. I don't remember the last time I've been able to stare at the moon like this."

"It's nice."

"Peaceful and quiet."

You mumbled an agreement as a yawn left your mouth.

"You wanna go back inside and get some more sleep?"

"That sounds good."

Not bothered by the scent, Chan walked over and put an arm around your shoulders. The two of you walked back into your bedroom. He locked the balcony door while you pulled off the hoodie you were wearing. You headed to the bathroom to brush your teeth.

After climbing into the bed, you curled yourself up against your boyfriend, happy that you were able to find someone as patient and understanding as him.

_ _ _

Lee Know:

TW: Using alcohol to cope with problems, depression, and self-hatred.

Lee Know was used to you occasionally drinking. You did it, he did it, and your friends did it. However, when he came home on the third day in a row to find you with a bottle of wine, his eyebrows furrowed.

There you were curled up on your favorite spot on the couch. The large TV sat in front of you and you grinned while watching some raunchy romance show. His eyes scanned the area. A bowl of popcorn sat in your lap. A glass of wine was tucked into your hand. Too enthralled in your show, you didn't hear him come in.

The bright screen lit up the transparent bottle to show that it was nearly gone. You just opened that bottle yesterday, so how was it gone already? He blinked in shock and stepped closer towards you.

He snuck up behind you, without meaning to startle you, and stuck his hands on your shoulders. You let out a yelp and jumped. The popcorn bowl upturned and kernels and popcorn pieces scattered across the carpet.

"Sorry, baby, I didn't mean to scare you."

"Well, you did," you frowned and stared at the mess. You sighed, placed your glass on the coffee table in front of you, and began to stand up. The world seemed to tilt and you fell forward.

"Woah!" Lee Know jerked forward, grabbed the back of your shirt from over the couch, and yanked you back to safety.

You laughed as you plopped back down on the couch. Your boyfriend frowned at your reaction. If he wouldn't have caught you, you would have hit the coffee table. He kicked off his shoes and climbed over the edge of the couch. You giggled while he pulled you into his grasp.

He leaned back comfortably against the arm of the couch. With you in his arms, he tugged you back against his chest. Your ear was pressed up against his heart. The gentle thrum soothed your soul.

"How much alcohol have you had to drink today?" He began to run a hand through your hair.

You half-shrugged on top of him.

"One glass?"

"More."

"Two?"

"More."

"Three?"

"I don't know."

"Four?"

"Mmh, maybe."

He paused and glanced back over to the bottle of the wine. Last night, it was nearly full, so you drank more than half of it. You were upping your alcohol content steadily. He frowned and stared back at you. You seemed okay the past few days, but clearly something was bothering you.

He opened his mouth to speak, but you beat him to it.

"Do you ever hate yourself?"

"Huh?" He was caught off-guard by your comment.

"Do you ever hate yourself?" You repeated. "Lately, I've been feeling like I'm not a very good person."

Lee Know kept watching you. You were pronouncing your words properly, so you must not have been too drunk. He glanced up at the analog clock stuck to the side wall. You were home before him in the early evenings. You had, at least, five hours to drink before he got home.

"Why do you think that you're not a good person?"

"I don't know."

"There must be some reason."

"I feel ugly!" You blurted out. "I feel gross and disgusting about myself. I look at myself in the mirror and I hate what I see. I've been sad and I haven't wanted to get out of bed. I have zero motivation to get out of bed or brush my teeth or do anything."

"Oh?"

"I feel icky inside and out. You tell me all the time that I'm beautiful. You're always there, but I'm not able to see myself like you are. Maybe I feel so gross because it's a struggle to get out of bed. I don't know, but the other day I had a glass of wine and it felt nice and then I had another and I felt okay again."

"So you're using alcohol to attempt to cope?" There was a sadness in Lee Know's voice.

"Uh-huh and you know what?"

"What?"

"It's working very well. I am so light and I feel so good. I feel like I can laugh again. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside."

Lee Know tilted himself closer towards your face. He leaned over you and cupped your cheeks gently. You peeled open your eyes and met his. A goofy grin filled your face at the sudden closeness.

"Whatcha doing?"

"Don't I make you feel warm and fuzzy? Do I have to remind you?"

"Of course, you make me feel that way! You give me butterflies. I love you so much, you don't even know. I can't put it into words how you make me feel."

"So you're feeling bad about yourself?"

"Uh-huh."

"What if I gave you a kiss every time your brain said something bad about you? You stop drinking the wine and I'll replace it with kisses."

His boba eyes stared intently into yours. You blinked in shock. It wasn't often that Lee Know was so touchy with you. He patiently waited for your answer and squished your cheeks a little more. A grin began to stretch across his face. He cooed and squished your cheeks more. You began to giggle at his antics.

"Is that a yes?"

"Uh-huh."

He bent down and gave you a quick upside down kiss. Still tipsy, you squealed in delight. He puckered his lips and did it again. Pulling away, he rubbed your cheeks. "So how was it?"

"I think I need another one."

"Already?" He threw his head back and let out a dramatic groan.

"You said if my brain was saying something bad!"

"That's right, I did say that. So I must prevail in my efforts to comfort the love of my life. Pucker up and get ready for a love bombing."

"A love wh-"

Before you could finish, he leaned down and began placing kisses all over your face. Your laughter only added fuel to his fire. He kept going and going and going until he ran out of air panting. He threw himself back over the arm of the couch gasping for breath.

"More!" You cried out.

"More?" He threw his hands up. "You're just taking advantage of my love!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yeah-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

He leaned forward, wrapped his arms around you tightly, and squeezed your body. You wiggled, but your arms were pinned to your sides. You whined and squirmed, but you were no match for him.

"What are you doing?"

"Prison of love." He planted a soft kiss on the top of your head. "You're here until further notice."

_ _ _

Changbin:

TW: Razors/razor blades, cutting, and self-hatred.

“They couldn’t have grown legs and walked away,” Changbin grumbled. He climbed further into the cabinet, beneath the bathroom sink, and pushed products aside. Dropped down on all fours, his torso was completely inside the darken and confined space.

He was attempting to try and find a pack of his disposable razors, but he couldn’t find any of them. He swore he just bought another pack last week, but they were missing. He pushed aside backup bottles of body wash and shampoo. Diving further into conditioner and cotton balls, he dug back further, but to no avail.

He pushed himself backwards and whacked his head on the top of the cabinet in the process. A loud groan left his mouth and it woke you up. In the room next door, you had fallen asleep early. Exhausted from another day at work, you were defeated by the time you came home. Within seconds of your body hitting the pillow, you were out.

You blinked your bleary eyes and rubbed them wondering what was going on. Through the thin bathroom door, Changbin was mumbling. You couldn’t hear what he was saying, but he seemed to be upset about something.

As you pushed yourself away from the tangled blankets, Changbin dived back beneath the cabinet to look again. He shoved the small basket of product to the side and when his razors weren’t in the very back, he jerked himself out again. A hand went to the porcelain sink to propel himself up.

Crash!

You stumbled over your feet worried that your boyfriend might have fallen. Picking up your pace, you knocked when you arrived at the door and called out to make sure Changbin was alright. Not hearing a response, you panicked even more.

“I’m coming in,” you called out.

When you stepped inside, you found a teary eyed Changbin staring at the floor. You stepped up beside him quickly wondering what was wrong. On the tile floor, lay the scattered remnants of the bathroom trash can. A shampoo bottle laid beside it.

Right there on top? One of Changbin’s disposable razors was completely dismantled. Twisted blue plastic with a missing razor blade. You made sure to hide it deep within the trash can beneath the snotty tissues and makeup remover wipes. You didn’t take into consideration that the trash can might fall over.

The pieces began to click together in your brain. You had been using Changbin’s razors for a while now. Prying apart the plastic and so desperate to feel something again. You found a friend in the cold metal blade. The stinging sensation somehow seemed to mend your internal wounds.

Humiliation filled you and the guilt of it all crept in. You swallowed the lump in your throat as your own tears filled your eyes. You remained cemented to the floor unable to speak and unable to explain. There was nothing to explain anyways, Changbin knew what you were doing instantly.

The two of you stayed silent. Changbin ran through your behavior the past few days in his head. You stopped wearing pajama shorts to bed, but fall had turned into winter. He didn’t question why you switched your clothes. When you didn’t want to be touched as much, he hadn’t questioned it.

Boundaries and communication were so important to him. He knew not to cross them. The two of you were honest with each other constantly. It helped your relationship flow smoothly, it helped prevent arguments, and it left the two of you satisfied; but this? How long had you been keeping this a secret?

“Why?” He finally got out.

“I’m sorry.” Your voice was shaky as you spoke. You felt so small. So helpless. Rather, you let down one of the most important people in your life. Would he see you through the lens that you saw yourself?

He turned around to face you. There was no hint of anger. His face wasn’t twisted and there wasn’t a scowl. Hurt was in his eyes. He reached out and cupped your face again. “Why are you doing this?”

“I’ll replace your razors and I won’t do it again.”

“But why?” His thumbs brushed against your cheeks to wipe away tears. “Why are you hurting yourself?” You blurred in his vision.

You blinked rapidly trying to get the tears to stop. You didn’t want to admit you hated yourself. You didn’t admit you found comfort in the pain. You didn’t want to admit any of it. You were stuck at a crossroad.

“Please talk to me.” He waited patiently for you to speak. When you didn’t, he pulled you into his burly arms. Warmth cocooned your body and cradled your soul.

“I didn’t mean to start. I’ve struggled with it before, you already know that.” You sniffled and sucked in a deep breath. “It got bad again and I just wanted to self-soothe. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m sorry for disappointing you.”

He rubbed your back gently. Your head was tucked beneath his chin. His heartbeat walloped in his chest. “You didn’t disappoint me, you’re hurting inside. You have to learn how to be gentle with yourself, baby. You could never disappoint me.”

More tears filled your eyes. They began to trickle down and soak his shirt, but he didn’t seem to mind. You let yourself be held by him.

“You’re allowed to hurt and you’re allowed to be sad, but how about we try to do something else that doesn’t harm you? I don’t want you to hurt yourself. You don’t understand how precious your existence is to me. You mean everything to me.”

A strangled sob came from the back of your throat. You broke down completely in his arms. He treated you with such tenderness and love, it made you cry harder. He soothed you quietly while he began listing some of your best qualities.

You cried and cried and cried until you were completely defeated. Everything you had been holding back came up. Beneath your pajama pants, your thighs stung from the fabric brushing up against them. You tried to hide them. You forced yourself into your jeans.

The fabric rubbed and created irritation. The water in the shower hurt. They always hurt. Just as old wounds began to itch and heal, you created new ones to remind yourself just how worthless you were. The cycle had started again and it’d continue until you stopped.

Changbin spoke to you how a mother spoke to her newborn baby. Praising you for the smallest things. Dotting on you and gently rocking you side to side. They say a mother’s heartbeat comforts a baby in the wound. With you pressed up against and hearing Changbin’s heart through your sobs, maybe that’s why you felt comfortable enough to fall apart.

When you finally finished sobbing, you were left breathless and exhausted. Changbin’s heartbeat continued to thrum. Exhaustion weighed heavily upon you and Changbin planted a soft kiss on the top of your head.

“Come on, let’s get you into bed.”

You didn’t object as he picked you up and carried you back to your shared room. Concerned about your well-being still laced him. No matter how much he wanted to continue talking about it, you needed to get some sleep. Tomorrow, he’d help you come up with a better plan to cope, but for now, he’d be by your side until you woke up again.

_ _ _

Hyunjin:

TW: Skin picking, hair pulling, anxiety, and blood.

You didn’t realize Hyunjin moved from his spot until you felt his hand gently cup your wrist. You glanced down with confusion etched onto your face. He gave you a reassuring smile before he spoke. “You’re doing it again.”

You glanced down with a frown. Sure enough, you were doing it again without realizing it. Lost in your overwhelming thoughts, you began to pick at the scratch on your arm. Your sharpened nails plucked at the skin. The darkened red bits of healing wounds were reopened. A fresh trail of trickling blood steadily streaked down your arm.

“Ah, shit.”

You stood up and mumbled an apology. In the bathroom, you began washing your hands in the bathroom sink, so you could address the problem. Out in the kitchen, Hyunjin was doing the same thing. With hands still damp from hastily drying them with the kitchen towel, he walked into the bathroom and gently tugged your wrist again.

The uncomfortable feeling of humiliation crept inside as Hyunjin observed your bleeding arm. Lately, you found yourself doing things without even realizing it. Digging your nails along your skin and creating scratches. Gnawing at the sides of your nails and ripping off perfectly healthy skin.

A few days ago, you began to pluck at the end of your eyebrow. You didn’t realize it until Hyunjin came home and pointed it out. On the side of your head, beneath a top layer of hair, there was a bald patch growing back. It never really registered what you were doing until it was too late.

Wound tight with anxiety, you floated away from reality and let yourself meander a river of worry. Your fingers moved without realizing it. Your body was desperate to soothe itself even when you were consciously away from the driver’s seat of your brain.

Hyunjin didn’t mind pointing it out. He knew how you could be and if anything, he was happy he could get you to stop. Pulling you out of that cloudy blank daze and helping bring you back to reality. He was careful with every movement. He didn’t want to startle or injure you more.

“You really don’t have to do this,” you mumbled.

“I know I don’t have to, but I want to.”

You stayed silent and let him rinse the blood off your arm. You watched him clean up, disinfect, and bandage the scratch on your forearm. It had been healing for the past few days. The other day, you dug your nails into the delicate skin. When you scraped your nails down, your skin came with it. Pulled from your thoughts by the feeling of warm blood beneath your fingers, you realized you had injured yourself yet again.

You knew it was nothing to be ashamed of. Hyunjin was a constant reminder of that. There was no judgment from him whatsoever. However, every time he caught you doing it, you felt like a child upsetting a parent. He hadn’t made it known that he was annoyed with your behavior, but you were sure he felt that way deep down.

The thought nagged at you while he threw the last bits of band-aid paper into the trash can. He hummed softly beneath his breath and washed his hands like it wasn’t a big deal. Suds filled his hands and the scent of citrus hit your nose.

“Why are you never mad at me?” You finally snapped. You didn’t mean for it to come off so snarky, but you didn’t understand why he was so cool, calm, and collected about your behavior. In your head, it was inexcusable.

“Why would I be?” He asked cooly. His face remained neutral and he dried his hands on a hand towel.

“Aren’t you annoyed or angry or, I don’t know, upset maybe? Sometimes I’m aware I do it, but I continue doing it. I don’t care if it hurts. It just….I don’t know!” You threw up your hands exasperated. “Why are you so okay with it?”

Hyunjin eyed you for a moment. You still couldn’t read his thoughts. He kept his face neutral until he cocked his head to the side. “What if it was me?”

“Huh?”

“If I did what you did. If I picked and plucked and tore and scraped and scratched; would you be annoyed or upset?”

“No!” Your head shook frantically. “Of course, I wouldn’t be like that.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re you. I love you and you deserve compassion. I’d never want you to feel like you were doing something wrong and I-” You paused for a moment. “Oh.”

The side of Hyunjin’s lips tugged into the start of a smile. “Yeah, exactly. Do I think you should do it? No, but I understand why you’re doing it.”

“I don’t know how to stop,” you finally admitted.

“I was doing some research the other day and they said it helps if you wear gloves. However, I know that’s not always a possibility because you hate gloves. There was another article I found about keeping your hands busy.”

“So like a stress ball?”

“That’s one option, but I was thinking of something else.” He laced his fingers through yours and began to pull you away from the bathroom. “You know how you always like my art? You’re always wishing you could create art as well as I do?”

“Yeah.”

He pulled you into your bedroom and retrieved a plastic bag from beneath the bed. He handed it to you and let you open it. You stared at it cautiously and then glanced up at him.

“Go ahead and open it. It’s not going to hurt you or anything. Come on,” he grinned, “you’ll love it.”

You stuck your hand inside and began to pull out objects. A sketchpad was followed by a bright pink eraser and a pack of fancy pencils Hyunjin always used to create sketches. He beamed when a smile appeared on your face.

“You got these for me?”

“You’ve been wanting to do art for a while now. I can help teach you and I created a YouTube video playlist of videos I first watched when I created art. When I’m not around, you’ll be able to watch them and learn.”

You opened your mouth to say something, but he cut you off.

“I know it might not help entirely, but it’s a good distraction. If you start this and don’t like it, I’ve been talking to Felix. He sent over some of the recipes he makes a lot. Maybe you could give baking a shot?” He offered.

Tears began to fill your eyes from the warmth that fluttered through your heart.

“What?” His face fell. “Do you not like this? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.” He rushed towards you and began to wipe away your tears. “I don’t want to seem overbearing and like I’m trying to fix you. That’s not what I’m trying to do, I swear! I-I just want to help you.”

You laughed at his distress. He paused upon seeing your reaction. You sniffled and shook your head. Pulling away, you began to speak.

“I’m not crying because I’m sad. I’m not sad, I’m so happy. You didn’t have to do all this for me. I’m so grateful and I feel so overwhelmed.”

“So they’re happy tears?”

You nodded and laughed again. More tears streamed down your cheeks. A smile began to grow on Hyunjin’s face again.

“Thank you for caring about me.”

“I’ll always care about you.” He leaned over and wrapped his arms around you. “I’ll do anything to see you happy. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

_ _ _

Han:

TW: Gambling and gambling addiction.

The question sat unspoken on your tongue. You knew what you were doing was wrong and yet you couldn’t stop yourself. You shifted in your spot on the couch for a fourth time trying to gather up the courage to ask.

Your boyfriend’s eyes were glued to the latest anime the two of you had been watching. He was clueless about your antics. You sucked in a deep breath and called out his name. When he didn’t respond, you called his name a little louder.

He snapped his head towards you with his big eyes and round cheeks. Even without meaning to, your boyfriend was attractive. You pushed away the thought and focused back on the task at hand.

“Can I ask for a favor?”

“What kind of favor?”

In the background, the characters in the anime continued fighting each other. Brightly colored hair flung around and over dramatic sound effects whirled. Fists flew and bodies bucked. Screams of despair from the hero and bouts of anger from the villain continued.

The anime reminded you of yourself. You were the hero and you were the villain. Always flipping back and forth between the two, a switch toggled, but it never flipped fully. You were reckless with life decisions. Messy without thinking things through. Acting in the heat of the moment without thinking about the effects.

“Can I borrow five-hundred dollars?”

“Huh?” Han’s eyes widened in shock. “Five…hundred? What? Why?”

Your eyes met the ground. You felt pathetic. Your form of self-harm wasn’t physically damaging your body. You didn’t turn to substances to cope with things. You threw yourself into gambling instead. Every paycheck, you went through money like water. You were a pro at self-sabotaging.

You managed to keep just enough to make ends meet and then you’d blow the rest of it. Chasing the high of winning, you didn’t know how to stop. The worst part? You were pretty decent at it. Whether it was making bets with your friends about small things or feeding freshly dispensed ATM cash into slot machines at the casino, you were good.

Lately, you had been on a winning streak. The cash was pooling in. Over and over again you won and each time, the dopamine rush was more intense than the last. You were seeing green, at least, until greed brought you to your knees.

You bet everything in the heat of the moment. You bet it all and within a few seconds, you lost everything. It was there and then it was gone. Even worse, you realized you hadn’t put the money aside for your half of the rent. You were royally fucked and with no more money to bet to try and make some of it back, you were screwed.

You didn’t leave the casino giddy with excitement. You didn’t sprint to the front desk to redeem your money from the ticket in your hand happily. You didn’t relish the fresh air outside with loaded pockets feeling unstoppable. You left with tears in your eyes and humiliation coursing through your veins.

“Five-hundred?” Han repeated again, completely baffled. He reached over, paused the show, and sat up. “Baby, why do you need five-hundred dollars? Did something happen?”

You could have lied. You could have said something went wrong with the payroll at work. You could have said the system broke and your paycheck would be delayed. You could have pretended your bank account was hacked. As you ran through the lies in your head, they made you feel even more grimy and worthless.

Heart taught with distress, you squeezed your eyes shut and balled your hands into fists. Your nails dug into your palms. This was your fault. You did this. You made your bed and now you’d have to lie in it.

“I really fucked up,” you finally admitted. You stayed silent for a few moments. You weren’t sure how Han would react to your admission of guilt. You let out a sigh before you opened your eyes and spoke again. “I think I have a problem.”

“What kind of problem?” Han stretched forward. He laid down on his stomach and tucked his palms beneath his head. He tilted his head up to stare at you from his position. “Anything I can help with?”

“I might have gambled all my money away.”

“You what?”

“I know it sounds bad.” You were sheepish to speak. “I forgot to set aside rent money. I know it’s no excuse, but it left my mind.”

Han stared at you without a word. You were too afraid to glance over at him. Your eyes never left the floor.

“So the five-hundred dollars is to cover my half of the rent. I promise I’ll pay you back!” You peeked over at him. Eyes filled with desperation, you hoped he’d understand. “I don’t like asking you for assistance, but our landlord won’t budge on the rent being due at the end of this week and I don’t get paid until next week.”

“Did you just start this or…” He trailed off.

“It’s been happening for a few months. When I hang out with my friends, we go to the casinos and stuff. It was really fun and before I knew it, I was hooked on it. I couldn’t stop it no matter how hard I tried.”

“Of course, I’ll cover your part of the rent.”

Relief filled your veins.

“But.”

“But?”

“But it sounds like this is a big issue. This was a pretty big incident that happened to you. What would happen if this occurs again and there’s nobody there to help you?”

You frowned and shifted once more uncomfortably beneath the weight of his gaze. “Honestly, I never really thought about it. I think I might be obsessed with it. I live for the feeling of being a winner.”

“Don’t you think you should stop before you become a loser?”

Your face fell at his words. He scooted closer to you and scooped you up to his chest. You could barely breathe as his arms constricted around you.

“I don’t mean it in a bad way, but this is concerning. I care about you and I don’t want to see you lose everything. Do you understand where I’m coming from?”

You weakly nodded your head. He clutched to you tightly in the silence. The anime was still paused in the background. A fist froze in mid-air as it was ready to slam into the villain who stood with wide eyes of terror. His fingers found the ends of your hair and he began to twirl his fingers around it.

“Han?”

“Yes, baby?”

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop. I’ve been doing it for a while now. I thought I’d be able to give it up, but it’s like an itch that won’t go away.”

He paused for a moment before he hummed. His tongue clicked while he thought about the situation. His fingers lazily tapped along your spine. You laid with your head on his chest. He sat sideways on the couch while he held you.

“I’ve heard that there are some therapists that specialize in therapy for gambling addicts.”

The air was knocked from your lungs. You felt like you couldn’t breathe. You stiffened in his arms at the words. Shame filled you once more. That’s exactly what you were, you were an addict. This whole time you were afraid to label it, but that’s what it was.

“Are you okay?”

“I feel pathetic.”

“Hey, hey, hey, it’s okay.” Han clutched you tighter. “A lot of people struggle with addictions. It doesn’t mean you’re worth any less to me. If anything, I’m proud of you for coming to me with this problem. They say the first step is admitting you have a problem and you’re right there.”

“Your addiction doesn’t define you,” he continued. “We all struggle with a lot of different things. It can come in different varieties and all shapes and sizes. You don’t have to be ashamed of something that’s so normal.”

“I don’t think this is normal.”

“Not for everyone, no. However, I’m sure there’s thousands of people out there just like you. Some people are in denial and don’t want to admit it. Others are afraid and some feel like they have nobody to turn to. Everyone has their reasons and I’m sure you have yours.”

His words wrapped around you like a safety net. They eased some of your anxiety about the whole situation. You mumbled an apology for everything and he reassured you that it’d be okay. He stared at you with such love and admiration, even when you weren’t paying attention to it.

“So how about we finish our anime and we can figure everything out after this episode?”

“You want to see who wins the battle, don’t you?” A smirk began to appear on your face.

“Maybe just a little.”

“You might want to watch, at least, the next two episodes.”

“You already know what happens?”

“Nope, I’m just betting on the fight being cut early and something dramatic happening.”

He stared at you unamused and despite the situation that had bloomed due to your actions, all you could do was laugh at your own word-play.

_ _ _

Felix:

TW: Overworking, caffeine addiction, and anxiety.

A frown filled Felix’s face when he laid his eyes upon you. He arrived home late tonight due to a few extra late dance practices. He expected to find you asleep in your bed, but instead you were hunched over your desk in the pitch black.

The bright light of your laptop illuminated your face while your fingers moved over the keys. Your eyes were narrowed and you were stuck in a trance. Beside you, three empty energy drinks sat. A fourth was directly beside you and half drank.

This morning, there weren’t any on the desk. He made sure of that because he removed them and tossed them into the recycling bin after you left for work. He ventured further into the room, let his bag fall towards the ground, and began to speak.

“Baby, what are you doing?”

He was met by the sound of you typing. The white light from your laptop highlighted the deep bags from beneath your eyes. You felt like your brain was melting, but the high caffeine content kept you going. You weren’t behind on work, in fact, you were ahead of everything.

You worked a normal nine to five and then came home and worked some more. Sometimes your line of work required you to do extra work at home and sometimes you just wanted to work ahead. Felix often tried to get you to lay off overworking yourself, but you never listened.

You had been like this for the past two weeks. You barely ate and slept. You were always hunched over your laptop. Emailing coworkers and upper management. Passing and trading reports back and forth. Filing and submitting different claims. Making phone calls, so on, and so forth.

Felix’s shoulders slumped when you didn’t respond. Just looking at the purple bags looming beneath your eyes made him tired. He let out a yawn and rubbed his eyes.

“Baby, come on. You can finish this in the morning. You’ve been working all day and you need to get some sleep.”

You blinked upon hearing the voice and briefly glanced over at your boyfriend. His eyes were half closed with sleepiness. It was past one in the morning. You gazed down at the clock on your screen.

“Go ahead and get in bed. I’ll be there in a few minutes. Just let me finish up this report real quick.” You went back to your screen and continued to type.

Felix let out a sigh, but went about his evening routine. He slipped into pajamas, completed his skincare routine, brushed his teeth, and slipped into the bed. It was cold without the warmth of your body. His head slumped against the pillow defeatedly and he waited for you.

And he waited and he waited and then he waited some more. He tossed to one side and then the other. He tried to lay on his back and then he tried to sleep on his stomach. Haunted by the quick pecking of your laptop keyboard, he couldn’t get himself to sleep.

He huffed slightly annoyed, shoved the blankets away from his legs, and he sat up. “Baby, are you coming to bed? You said you’d only take a few more minutes.” He glanced over at the clock beside him. “It’s been nearly a half hour since then.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll be there soon,” you responded absentmindedly. Your eyes were bloodshot and your spine ached. You tilted your neck to the side and small pops sounded. Ignoring them, you took another sip of your energy drink, and went back to typing.

Felix’s eyes narrowed and daggers hit your back. His arms crossed over his chest. You were unaware as you continued typing on your laptop. After nearly another minute of silence, he finally shoved himself up.

Unbeknownst to you, he left your bedroom and headed for the living room. He wasted no time shutting off the internet router box and slipped back into your bedroom without a sound. It didn’t take long until you frantically clicked your mouse and let out a groan.

“Something wrong?”

“The internet went out in the middle of my report!”

“That sucks.” His voice held no sympathy. “We’ll figure it out in the morning. Come on, let’s go to bed.”

You grumbled, but eventually shut your laptop and climbed into the bed. Happily, he curled up into the bed beside you and buried his head into your chest. It didn’t take long before he fell asleep due to exhaustion, but you couldn’t.

The caffeine had you wired. You were wound up and didn’t want to sit still. You laid there for a while to make sure Felix was fully asleep. Once you were sure he was out, you slipped out of bed and ventured out into the living room. You reset the router and within minutes, you were back online.

Nearly an hour later, Felix was well aware that you weren’t there. He woke up and reached out to cuddle you, but you were gone. He sat up wondering where you were. Upon realizing you weren’t in the bedroom, he went out to look for you.

That’s when he found you in the living room with two more energy drinks beside you. You were sipping a third one. Felix was flabbergasted at your behavior. How much caffeine was cruising through your veins?

“Baby?”

You stopped typing and glanced up to face your boyfriend. You paused and meekly smiled at his sudden appearance. “Hi?”

His arms crossed over his chest and your heart sunk. He stared at you without a word. You slowly put down the energy drink on the coffee table.

“Do you have a death wish?”

“What?”

“Do you have a death wish?”

“What are you talking about?”

“How many energy drinks have you had today?”

“I-” You paused to think about his question. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“Felix, it’s not that big of a deal. I always drink energy drinks. Calm down and go back to bed. I’ll be there soon, I promise.”

“No. Put your laptop down and let’s go. You’re going to bed. Do you know how many days this has happened? Multiple.”

“You’re being irrational!” Your voice started to rise. “Stop being so fucking dramatic! God, they’re just energy drinks, Felix! It’s not like they’re going to kill me!”

“Are you hearing yourself?”

You rubbed your sleepy eyes and let out an annoyed groan. “Can’t you just leave me alone? Why do you care so much? I’m doing my job!”

“Part of your job is to take care of yourself as a person! When was the last time you got eight hours of sleep? When was the last time you had a decent meal?” His voice began to crack. Tears started to fill his eyes. “When was the last time you were happy and not slung over your computer?”

You felt like you had been slapped in the face by his words. Your mouth went dry, almost like you inhaled a mouthful of sand. You wanted to say something back, but there was nothing you could use to justify yourself.

“Why don’t you care about yourself the way I care about you?” His bottom lip quivered. “You’re always telling me to take care of myself. You’re always making sure I’m not overworking myself, but what about you? I don’t want you to die.”

Tears trickled down his freckled cheeks. He hadn’t meant to cry, but he was frustrated. Why couldn’t you see yourself like he could? Why didn’t you care? Why weren’t you listening to him?

“Felix,” your voice came out softer.

He shook his head and blinked rapidly to get rid of the tears. “I’m going back to bed. You can just stay here sipping your energy drinks and overworking yourself. When you collapse with a heart attack, don’t come crying to me.” He stormed back towards your room upset with your behavior.

The slam of your bedroom door caused you to jump. You looked down at the energy drinks you were consuming and guilt began to fill you. He was right. He was right about all of it. You were absolutely miserable.

The caffeine made you shaky and it spiked your anxiety. You were so dependent on it, if you didn’t have any, you started to develop a throbbing headache. You became aware of your heart rapidly beating in your chest. How much longer could you keep up this behavior before it burst?

With a sigh, you shut your laptop and pushed it onto the coffee table. You walked back to the room you shared with Felix. Shame filled you once more. Quietly, you opened the bedroom door and stepped inside.

Felix was turned away from your side of the bed. He was facing the wall with his arms still crossed over his chest. Silent tears flooded down his cheeks still. You weren’t sure if he was awake or not, so you softly called his name.

“What?” His voice wasn’t angry anymore. He was completely defeated.

“I’m sorry,” you apologized. “I didn’t realize my behavior was upsetting you so much. I didn’t think it was making you worry. I’m sorry for yelling at you. You didn’t deserve that at all.”

There was silence for a while until he spoke again. “I’ll always worry about you. I don’t want to see you get hurt. Part of our relationship is to look out for one another.”

You padded over and slipped beneath the covers. Once he felt the bed stop shifting, he spun around so he could face you. The dim light from a nearby lamp caused a soft yellow glow to overcast. There were tears still in his eyes. They were smeared along his cheeks.

Your heart hurt at the sight of him. He moved closer to you and wrapped his arms around you. He buried his face in the crook of your neck. He mumbled into your skin and the vibrations caused tingles to run through you.

“I don’t want to lose you.”

“I’m not going anywhere, I swear. I sent an email to my boss and told her I wouldn’t be there tomorrow. You have the day off, right?”

“Mmhm.”

“Let’s spend the day together, yeah?”

He pulled away from you. His eyes sparkled as they met yours. “Really?”

You nodded your head before you leaned over and kissed his cheek. A rosy blush dusted the tops of them. “You wanna help me get rid of my energy drink stash tomorrow?”

“You have a stash?”

“I always have a stash.”

“You’re not gonna get mad?”

“No. You’re right, I need to stop. I kinda feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. It’s beating so fast right now.”

“Or maybe that’s just because I’m here.” A cheesy grin filled his face. He leaned up and kissed your cheek this time.

“Yeah, maybe it’s just because you’re here.”

He snuggled back down into the crook of your neck. You let out a soft sigh at his warmth. It didn’t take long until you both fell asleep tangled around each other.

_ _ _

Seungmin:

TW: Starvation, disordered eating, binging, and poor self esteem/body image.

Seungmin chewed his instant noodles peacefully across from you. With a fork in one hand and his phone in the other, he was content while scrolling through social media. On the other side of the table, you sipped your glass of ice water and did the same.

The only difference was that you did not have instant noodles in front of you. You sat up straight at the kitchen table with your fingers digging into your plastic cup. Condensation pooled against your fingers and left a ring along the wood. You scrolled through your social media too.

The scent of beef broth filled your nostrils. Your empty stomach twisted and contorted. It rumbled for the third time. You shifted in your chair and continued scrolling through your phone. Your fingers paled as you dug them into your cup tighter.

You silently salivated in your seat. The things you’d do to have a single bite of your boyfriend’s noodles; the warmth of flavorful sodium filled broth lining your stomach. Your teeth bit down onto your bottom lip once again.

The feeling of hunger was sharp and dull. Your stomach searched for food, but it had nothing. The feeling of cold water pooling in the bottom of your stomach filled you with a sense of pride. You were starving, yeah, but you had self control. In your brain, this was a win.

When your stomach roared again, Seungmin glanced over the top of his phone. He eyed you suspiciously. Lately, you seemed to be pushing away food. He didn’t talk about it much because he didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.

After all, he had been on his own fair share of diets. He knew they could be difficult, but you never mentioned a diet. In fact, he hadn’t seen you eat anything recently. Realizing this, a frown filled his face.

You glanced up at the feeling of eyes on you. When your eyes met Seungmin’s, you raised an eyebrow. He copied your expression without a word.

“Are you hungry?” He asked.

Your eyes went back down to the instant noodles. He picked up another forkful of them. Noodles snaked through the fork prongs and dripped with broth. You pulled your eyes away and shook your head. Your eyes went back to your phone and you swallowed another mouthful of cold water.

He glanced at his noodles and then back to you. Down to his noodles and back to you. When your stomach cried out again, his eyes went back to you for a final time. This time he blurted it out without warning.

“Why aren’t you eating?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Bullshit. Your stomach has been roaring like a lion for the past five minutes. You’re starving, so why aren’t you eating?” You kept your eyes secured to your phone. “Talk to me, babe.”

You didn’t dare take your eyes off the phone. You didn’t put it down because you were too afraid you’d spill and that’d ruin everything. You gave a slight head shake and went back to scrolling.

Seungmin sighed, got up, and began rummaging through the cupboards. You watched with curious eyes while he pulled out another cup of instant ramen. You tried to ignore him, but when he added hot water, the smell of beef broth caused your stomach to rumble once more.

You cursed beneath your breath and set your phone down. As you pushed yourself back, the wooden legs of your chair scraped against the ground. Seungmin turned around, alerted by the noise, to find you leaving the room.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“To the bedroom.”

“No you’re not. Get back here and sit down. We’re going to have a conversation about why you’re not eating. Sit your ass in the chair.”

“But I-”

“No. Sit down and shut up.” He placed the cup of noodles in the spot where you were sitting. His eyes narrowed while he stared at you.

You wanted to turn around and ignore him. When Seungmin made up his mind, he made up his mind. There was no use in running away from the problem. He’d hunt you down and figure out the root of the problem anyway.

You sighed and sat back down. He pushed a fork over to you and plopped down in his own seat. You stared down at the cup of noodles and your mind began to wander.

How many calories were in it? How much sodium? What if this single cup of noodles caused you to lose control? What if this single meal caused you to spiral into a binge? On and on your internal thoughts went and Seungmin had no idea.

“Why aren’t you eating?”

“I’m not hungry,” you repeated.

He crossed his arms over his chest and waited in silence for your real answer. You bit down on the inside of your cheek. You shifted beneath his eyes again. He knew exactly how to make you squirm.

“I don’t feel like I deserve to eat,” you meekly admitted. You didn’t meet his eyes. You kept staring at the steam rising from the cup of noodles.

“Why not?”

You shrugged, but then continued anyway. “I feel like I deserved to be punished for not being good enough.” Your fingers played with the ends of your hoodie sleeves.

“Not good enough? What do you mean you’re not good enough? What are you talking about?”

“I could be better. My body isn’t in the best shape right now. It’s a simple way to lose weight. Honestly, I kind of like the feeling of starving. It makes me feel strangely powerful.”

“But you have to eat.” He leaned forward and reached his hand out. He was gentle as he cupped his hand over yours. “How are you going to have the strength to get through your days without food?”

You shrugged your shoulders again. It felt pathetic when you said it out loud. Your stomach continued rumbling. The scent of beef broth was overwhelming now that it was closer.

“How long has this been going on?”

“It just started this week.”

Seungmin stared at you wondering how he could help you. He knew about eating disorders, but he didn’t know how to help you. The answer seemed so simple to him, but your brain wasn’t wired like his was.

Food was not fuel for you, it was a daily challenge; a struggle. A battle of binging and starvation. Something you loved and loathed at the exact same time. It was gluttony, but perfection; a twisted combination of the two. You never seemed to find middle ground.

“That notebook that you’ve been writing in recently in our bedroom. You’ve been counting calories, haven’t you?”

You didn’t have to respond. Seungmin already knew the answer. A frown filled his face. The noodles were beginning to lose their warmth.

“Do you trust me?” He suddenly asked.

“Of course, I trust you. What kind of question is that? I’m dating you, obviously I trust you.”

“Can I make you food from now on? Not every meal, but just one a day, so I know you’re eating something. It’d make me feel better.”

Your heart pounded in your chest. You didn’t want to agree, but you also didn’t want this to spiral out of control and funnel into something you lost yourself completely to. The question weighed heavily on your mind. He was asking you to give up control to the one thing that you could control.

“Can we try it for one day?” His voice softened. “One day and if you don’t like it, we can figure out something else.”

You finally nodded your head slowly. Your eyes wandered down to the fork beside you. You let out a soft sigh before you picked it up, twisted it into the cup of noodles, and took a bite. Flavor exploded on your tongue. You relished the taste with closed eyes.

“How is it?”

“It’s really good.”

“I’m glad I didn’t decide to poison it then.”

“Seungmin!”

He let out a laugh and sat back. A small smile appeared on your face. He kept you busy with conversation, so your mind couldn’t go back to focusing on your food. Eventually, you managed to eat half of them before you pushed them away. Seungmin allowed it without complaint.

“Whoops, I think you got something here.” He leaned across the table and began to reach for your shirt.

You looked down to see what it was, but before you could see, he reached up and flicked the end of your nose.

You let out a yelp and pulled away. Shooting him a glare, he could only laugh in amusement. He always knew how to keep you on your toes.

_ _ _

I.N:

TW: Doom scrolling and self-isolation.

The world was on fire. Maybe not physically, but that’s what it felt like. You had fallen into the toxic cycle of doom scrolling again. Climate change, war, protests, violence, politics, upcoming elections, riots, and death. You flipped through your TikTok page and soaked it up like a sponge.

Swipe. Like. Swipe. Like. Swipe. Like. Swipe. Like.

The algorithm was a little too good at its job. The moment you began liking content about one issue, more videos appeared. Soon there was another and another and another until your TikTok page was a manifesto of doom and gloom.

The memes went away. The animal videos went away. The videos about your hobbies and interests went away. The videos from your favorite creators went away. Even videos about your boyfriend’s band disappeared.

The more you scrolled, the worse you felt. How could you live at a time like this? A time when the world was flooded with such chaos. Man made disasters, disease outbreaks, deadly weather events, and crime. Murders, shootings, stabbings, kidnappings, and so on. Another child dead, another place shot up, and another country suffering.

How could you not be sad? How could you not live with depression? How were you supposed to go on living with the realization that there was so much suffering? Why weren’t people nicer? Why are humans cruel to one another? When did humans lose their humanity?

Eventually, you turned off your phone and let it fall onto the side of the bed. Tears filled your eyes when you rethought about it. So many stories about higher powers out there. Ancient gods and goddesses, magnificent unearthly creators passed down from generation to generation, and yet suffering still existed. Why?

You tried to swallow the lump in your throat, but it wasn’t working. You reached a hand from beneath your warm blanket and wiped away your tears. You felt guilty for feeling so upset about everything. You should have been thankful that you were able to live the life you lived, but you still felt conflicted about the extent of suffering. None of it was fair.

I.N let himself into the apartment he shared with you. He kicked off his shoes and let out a sigh of relief glad to be home. He knew you weren’t home tonight and you probably wouldn’t be home for a while. You told him you were going out with friends earlier.

Lately, you seemed a little down, so he was happy you were finally getting back out there. You loved your friends dearly and they loved you. Besides, you could use a bit of cheering up.

He hummed to himself and moved throughout the house. He walked directly into the bedroom ready to shower and dress in comfortable pajamas. All of his plans crashed when he heard sniffling as he opened the door. He flipped on the light and there you were curled into a ball in your bed. You squeezed your eyes shut at the bright lights.

“Sorry about that, baby.” He flipped the main switch back off and flipped on the closet light instead. The too bright white light disappeared and was replaced with a softer lighting. “I thought you were going out to hang out with your friends.”

“I was going to, but I called off.” Your voice wobbled slightly. You sniffled again and pawed at your eyes.

Upon seeing your teary eyes, he walked over and slipped into the bed beside you. He pulled the covers away from you and tucked himself right beside you. You wanted to cry at his actions, but you managed to keep your tears back.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen at work or something? Did one of your friends say something?” He studied your face with concern.

You shook your head and sniffled again. “Do you ever just realize how bad everything is in the world? There’s so much death and destruction.” Tears filled your eyes once more. “How are we supposed to deal with it?”

He knew what you were talking about instantly. You did this sometimes. Sometimes he caught you doom scrolling and stopped you. He often distracted you from it with things like your Nintendo Switches or TV shows. You must have started doom scrolling when he was away.

“The ice is melting in Antarctica and the polar bears…” You trailed off, unable to finish your sentence, as your bottom lip quivered.

You wore your heart on your sleeve. Empathy was a bittersweet thing for you. You were born with too much of it and you didn’t know how to turn it off. Your heart went out to everyone and everything. Even in the cruelest people, you were able to find empathy in them.

I.N pulled you into his arms and wrapped them around your torso. You buried your head into his chest. He gently rubbed a hand along your back.

“You know, animals are very good at adapting to a variety of situations. A lot of them are more intelligent than we realize. I’m sure the polar bears are the same way.”

That was the thing about Jeongin. He never belittled you for being empathetic. He never called you too sensitive or a crybaby. He didn’t brush away your concerns about things. He listened to your rambles patiently and tried his best to help alter and adjust the way you viewed things.

You didn’t like your empathy, but he thought it was a gift. You thought about things that he didn’t. You looked at the world with such kindness and compassion. You could easily befriend a stranger if you wanted to. You provided him with a different outlook on life.

“It’s all so sad. Why isn’t anyone doing anything? Why are we letting people suffer?”

“I wish I knew why, but I don’t know. Unfortunately, life isn’t fair to everyone. It really sucks, huh?”

“I hate it,” you grumbled. “I hate being stuck here and not being able to do anything about it.” A sigh escaped your lips.

“What happened with your friends?”

“I called off. I felt worthless, so I told them I wasn’t feeling good. I didn’t want to tell them what was really bothering me.”

“Why don’t you go hang out with them? I’m sure they want to see you. You said they’ve been texting you about how much they miss you recently. I’m sure it’d be a good distraction for you.”

“You’re right, but I don’t know. They’re already hanging out and they think I’m sick. I don’t want to be a bother.”

“You could tell them you’re feeling better.” His fingers found your hair and began playing with it. He enjoyed the feathery feeling between his fingers.

“Can you come with me?”

“Do you want that?”

“Honestly, yeah. We haven’t been anywhere recently. They’ve been asking about you too.”

“I’d be happy to tag along. Where are they? Dinner or something?”

You pushed yourself up off his lap. “They’re actually bowling right now.” Feeling a bit better, you stood up from the bed. The previous thoughts of earlier were in the back of your head now.

“Have you ever bowled before?”

“Maybe.”

“You’re not going to tell me?”

“If I say yes, you’ll know I’ve had an advantage. If I say no, then you’ll know I haven’t, so the answer is maybe.”

“I’m gonna beat you.”

“No, you’re not!”

“The loser gets to let the other person pick out their outfits for a week, deal?” I.N asked.

“You’re on!” You rushed out the bedroom door. You sprinted towards the hall to grab your shoes from the sneaker shelf. “Let’s go!”

I.N smiled to himself as he went after you. He might not have done much, but, at least, he could help distract you from everything on your mind. He put on his shoes and hurried to follow you out the door.

꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎

Taglist: @fairytaleskiess

Masterlist

#stray kids #stray kids fanfic #stray kids drabbles #stray kids angst #stray kids comfort #kpop fanfic #bang chan #lee know #seo changbin #hwang hyunjin #han jisung #lee felix #kim seungmin #yang jeongin #skz fanfic #fanfic writing

312 notes · View notes

plutonianeris · 4 months

Text

pick a pile: how does this new love feel like a fairytale? ⛓️💗

this is a general reading so take what resonates and leave what doesn't. Interpret & choose based on your inner guidance and gut feeling. messages can be either from you, them or both🍒

𓆩♱𓆪Pile one

right off the bat this is someone whose been eyeing you for a while. they could be the type that stare in awe at the pictures you post on social media “so pretty” or when they met you that have that immediate attraction.. “who is that?” lol them asking their friends when you walk in. this honestly feels like a fairytale because theyve been wanting you for a while but theyve been super patient i heard “no hard feelings” theyre actually so sweet (im getting water sign suns: cancer, pisces, scorpio energy oop 🙈).

like they have no problem admiring you from afar at alllll. they are mesmerized by you. and honestly they could have been a little toxic before meeting you (not abusive, but someone unable to share their emotions in a healthy way). it seems like they dont want u to see them in the shades and shadows of their trauma, wounds, healing. for them you are the light at the end of that tunnel. i heard “my day was pretty shitty until you showed up” they are willing to work hard for you. they are also very attractive & in an unconventional way (unique hair, being really tall, tattoos, something like that makes them stand out especially in their friend group).

💌letter from their pov;

I know you dont need me. you dont really look like the type to depend on anyone. I can see it in the way you eye people, especially men, with suspicion. you question my motives and thats fair. when youre that beautiful and charming, theres bound to be people that just want to use you. that are dying to be in you energy just to get the chance to say they were in your presence. i dont wanna be like that. i dont wanna be another read message in your phone. i dont wanna be another face that disappears in the crowd for you. and i know you feel that way too. that the worst thing for you isnt to be talked about. its to be ignored. its to be underestimated. trust me when i say since the moment i laid eyes on you, i never once doubted you. i know you are capable of bringing men to their knees with your eyes. i know that your laugh makes my pulse speed up. i know that you make me feel special. and sometimes i get jealous, wondering if you make other people feel that way too. I want to give you the whole world if you just let me.

𓆩♱𓆪Pile two

this new love feels like a fairytale because this happened in the moment when you’re least expecting it and also after you’re recovering from something. Whether it be a relationship break up with a partner or you just changing things in your life, like moving to a different neighborhood or no longer believing in certain things that were very important in your belief systems in the past. this is like a prince or princess, waiting to rescue you. At first, though it seems like you’re suspicious of this energy. You could find that they are way too good with their words. “too good to be true” “I bet you say that to all the girls/guys” energy. but honestly, it seems like you’re the only one that can keep up with them. You don’t give into them like other people do, and they constantly want to impress you by telling you random facts or teaching you about some thing they learned abroad or when traveling.

I am getting a sense that they are very flirty, but with other people it never goes past that it’s just something they do in the moment or theyre just really playful. But even as they’re talking to someone else, their eyes can’t seem to leave you even if you’re across the room. You like your routine and consistency so changing things about your own life is hard, much less accepting other people in. So when they flirt with you, you might not immediately flirt back. you might roll your eyes, but you can’t help but smile when they turn away. you could be someone with earth placements, especially capricorn or virgo. They give off a lot of mischievous energy. This other person could have a gemini placement, third house placements or ninth house placements (if ur into astro).

💌letter from their pov;

Relationships have never really been a priority for me. I mean, cmon I'm young. Isn't it the whole point to experience as much as I can? I know other people have things to say about me.. maybe I lead some people on. Maybe sometimes you feel that way too. But I promise it's not really like that. Well, with you, it isn't. I'm just inexperienced. And I guess that doesn't really stop me from flirting so much and being so cocky…But the truth is I crave your attention badly. You look like you really know what you want in life. And for me, that's all I ever wanted. Because when you know what you want, you get it. and thats when you really start living. After that, even our mistakes are our own and beautiful and intimate in their own way. I see the weariness in your eyes when you look at me. I know you're wondering if I am even worth your time. I promise I am. I promise I can be. And if I'm not, then you can just never speak to me right then and there, I swear. But I know there's more than weariness in your gaze as well. I know you are just as curious about me as I am about you.

𓆩♱𓆪Pile three

This love feels like a dark romance. This pile is not as lighthearted as the previous two at all. It feels like a fairytale in that "magical" sense though because it will feel like love at first sight. You both will feel immediately physically attracted to the other but what makes it even more intense is that at first no one seems to be able to make the first move. It might seem too good to be true to the point where you don't even wanna disturb the "illusion." You dont wanna burst the bubble. Also, the magnetic attraction you feel/ that slow burn makes it even more desirable for both of you. In synastry, you both might have a lot of conjunctions (especially with pluto, moon, and mars). I also pulled north node synastry as well (and this synastry makes it feel like you're meant to be aka its destiny. but its also uncomfortable). "I have never felt like this before" energy.

Honestly, I see this pile as being able to go both ways and it can easily make you feel heartbroken. You might have venus-pluto placements yourself or 8th house placements or they do. When you are together though, you both hate when other people interrupt. You love your alone time. It feels really good. This pile is all about intense eye contact, glancing down at each others lips, meeting in secret, getting jealous when other people try to talk to the other, hands brushing as you walk but never fully touching. But then devouring each other when alone (if you both end up trusting each other when to get there because, again, one of you or both are hesitating). If you open your heart and learn to trust and communicate in a healthy manner, it could be a life changing connection.

💌letter from their pov;

It feels wrong to fantasize about you the way I do. But I can't really help it. I think about the way your back would feel arched under my palm. your lips on mine, tongues meeting, teeth clashing. I look at your hands and imagine them gripping the sheets at the same time I grip your thighs. It feels wrong that these are things that have crossed my mind since I first met you. sometimes I try to lie to myself. Tell myself that maybe im not really that into you. but its such bullshit. even then, theres the what if. what if. what if. it looks like every odds are against us. we are complete opposites. it might never work. but im willing to take that risk. im willing to bet on us. even if it falls apart. but judging from the way you freeze up when we make eye contact I know its far beyond that. I know you felt it too. the day we met, how you paused. i know that we would love hard. and fall harder. and if it doesnt work out, it would be devastating. and yet, i would still decide to do it all over again. and you would too. life is too short. I dont want us to be a what-if.

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jaidens · 10 months

Text

You got that Long Hair, Slicked Back, White T-Shirt - Dallas Winston ˗ˏˋ꒰ 🍒 ꒱

❀⊱┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄┄⊰❀

“James Dean day dream look in your eyes,”

pairing [s] : Dallas (Dally) Winston x Soc!Reader

warnings [s] : smoking | making out | beginning action of sex (pulling off pieces of clothes, humping, etc..) |

a/n [s] : my requests are open!!

wc : 1,076

When the famous Greaser; Dallas Winston approached you, you were confused about his actions. Why was he of all people asking you if you had anything planned that Saturday? Of course, people thought he was handsome. Cherry, your best friend, had told you even though she thought he was cute and that if he came back around she'd fall in love with him. So, you gave him a chance.

He had taken you to a small diner around the middle of the ‘territories’. You never believed in the whole hatred between the classes. Your best friend when you were in elementary school had been a Greaser before she moved away from Tulsa.

The first date was nice and sweet. He had worn a cleaned-up white wife-beater and a slick leather jacket. You had worn a small, flower-printed dress and your black wedges. Dallas called you beautiful and set his hand on your lower back. It was protective, showing other people that you were his and to back off.

That's when you knew you had fallen in love with him. When you stared into his eyes as he shared a milkshake with you. When he gave you his leather jacket after the wispy, cold November wind went through the soft, white cardigan you thought would be enough. That was the night he kissed you on the porch of your Daddy’s house. As well as the same night you shared the three words that changed your life, “I love you”.

You had been dating for twelve months and you were celebrating your anniversary at the same diner you had your first date at. You decided to go on a late-night drive in his Thunderbird. You had stopped at a cliff waterfall and watched the sunset. Now, he was smoking a cigarette while you lay on his shoulder with his leather jacket draped over your body. “Hey.. you awake?” His New York accent filled your ears pleasantly. “Yes, Love. Why?” You answered and picked your head up to stare as best as you could with your neck pulled up.

“Wanna hit?” He asked, holding the cigarettes closer to your lips. You shook your head no. You were never fond of smoking ever since your mother developed a horrible cough due to smoking. He smirked and said it was fine you didn't want to. Dallas put his cancer stick out and pulled your face into his. He kissed you desperately and you pushed your head against his.

His tongue touched your lips, tasting the cherry lipstick that you wore that night. It was always his favorite, and it gave him an excuse to “taste your lipstick” to make out with you. “It always tastes so good, you and your cherry lipstick baby..” Dallas groaned out and put his hands in your styled hair.

You jumped up and pulled yourself into his lap. His hands fell to your hips and he started helping you move back and forth. “Baby.. take it slow. You can take me back to your house whenever we do it..” You spoke out, after pulling away from sucking his face to take a breath. You stared into his half-lidded eyes that had lust slowly sucking into them.

His dark eyes followed around your face, admiring your slightly bruised lips and the lipstick that was smeared around your face. “Y’know you're the prettiest girl I've ever seen?” Dally was always a romantic, trying to make you cover your face in embarrassment or start giggling at his compliments. He got a total kick out of making you smile brightly and rub your soft thighs together. “Oh hush, Dal. Acting like you aren't the hottest and absolute hunk of a guy? Can't believe I'm dating you.. a James Dean duplicate.”

Dallas could've sworn that was the best compliment anyone could've given him. He had definitely based his look on the James Dean hit movie, “Rebel Without A Cause”. “With your slick back hair.. the white t-shirt.. could you be less obvious, baby?” You smiled at him and kissed his nose. “My James Dean boy..”

Dallas laughed and threw his head back. “You caught me, didn't you? But, now I gotta ask, who's hotter, me or Dean?” He watched your expression change as you started thinking deeply. “To be honest.. you. I'm not into blonde guys. I love myself a certain brunette boy.” You saw Dally’s eyes light up and he showed off his iconic smirk. “Oh yeah? Who’s that baby?”

You pushed him backward in the seat and started kissing him again. You wiped that tease smirk that he gave you right off his face. It starts going further, and you slowly put your hands under his white shirt running across the firm abs he had been working on. The windows of his car started to become foggy, heating up with you and Dallas’ passion and love. Your limbs tangled up together as he started to kiss down your neck.

His hand travels past your pretty dress, touching your thighs. You pull away gently once more, as another car pulls up next to you. You know this is Dallas’ spot for taking you. It wasn't uncommon to see someone Dallas knew almost every time. You both look over, seeing his old high school friend and the friend's girlfriend. His hand touches your face making you look back over. The soft glow of the midnight moon casts a beautiful look on his face. You’re absolutely obsessed with him. The way he makes your heart rate speed up whenever he touches you, the way he’s touched every part of you and still makes you get excited to see him.

This moment will forever be etched into your souls.

As the intensity of their makeout session peaked, Dallas and you found yourselves breathless, lips lingering in a final, lingering kiss. Your bodies pressed against each other, the warmth and electricity of their connection still pulsating between them.

Dallas gently brushed his fingers along your cheek, his eyes filled with a mixture of desire and adoration. "You're something else, darlin'," he whispered, his voice husky with emotion. "I can't get enough of you.” You're staring into his dark brown eyes with a soft look. “I can’t either, Dally. You’re my forever.” You fall into a last kiss with him as you pull the switch to pull the seats back up. “Let’s get me home before my Daddy kills you. He probably will either way..”

#dallas winston #dally winston #dallas winston x reader #dally x reader #dally winston x reader #the outsiders 1983 #matt dillon x reader #dallas winston the outsiders #dallas winston imagine #dallas winston smut

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ambrozjas · 2 months

Note

Could you do a songfic with the song 'Mary' by Alex G with Dallas?

I love your writing sm it genuinely makes me happy <3 take your time with this request and have a lovely day !!

mary is the girl that leaves you to rot ꨄ︎

✧˖*°࿐ notes 🧸ᰔᩚ

i cried makjng this n im so proud of it n i love alex g sm

✧˖*°࿐ warnings ᰔᩚ

major character death, grieving reader, weird descriptions of adrenaline because i’m obsessed with it, song lyrics r in italics !! 💕

✧˖*°࿐ word count ᰔᩚ

2276 words, 12170 characters

. ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄ . ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄ . ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄ . ˚◞♡ ⃗ *ೃ༄

mary is the girl that i wanna kiss

she’s got big red eyes and big red lips

she’s got big sharp teeth and big fat hips

dallas winston was known as a lot of things. he was a hood, a filthy greaser, a pervert, an idiot. and while you had heard all of these things about him, you had never actually spoken a word to him besides a gruff, “watch where you’re going” when you bumped into him.

you took notice of the hollowness in his dark eyes, the way his hair was always tussled, the way a new purple bruise was always blooming on his cheek, the milky skin that shone through the small slit of his shirt lifting when he stretched, the fullness of his pink lips whenever a cigarette was sticking out between them, how soft they looked..

no, you told yourself. dallas winston was a no good hoodlum who couldn’t keep his hands to himself. that’s all he was, and that’s all he’ll ever be. but how wrong you’d come to be in the future.

mary is the girl that i wanna fuck

she’s got leather heart and leather gloves

over the next few weeks, your mind couldn’t help but wander about dallas. you practically analyzed every part of his being. the way his eyebrows furrowed when he struggled to light the cancer stick meticulously placed between his index and middle finger, his leather jacket creasing at the forearms in the process.

but of course, your thoughts had to be interrupted. whether that was for the better or worse, you couldn’t decide.

“hey! what’cha lookin’ at?” your friend slides up next to you on the bench, slipping out of the sun’s reach and under the tiny umbrella shielding you two as she followed your gaze. you both were at a small diner, eating outside despite the tulsa heat causing your thighs to sweat when you sat down. you didn’t mind the heat, maybe that’s why you started playing with fire by talking to dallas winston.

you muttered a quick, “nothin’” when you saw your friend roll her eyes and groan at the fact that you were watching him, dallas. you snatched the juice box that she held out to you while she continued to watch dallas with two younger kids chase a group of small kids around, shouting about in an attempt to scare them.

“i still don’t get it. yeah, he’s a bit cute but i don’t understand why you’d go for a guy like that—“

“i’m not going for anybody. ‘s it a crime to observe the locals?”

“bit creepy but,” she paused as she tsked, “not a crime.” she sighed, sipping on her own juice box once more.

she’s the only girl that i wanna love

when you had finally mustered up the courage to talk to ‘the big bad wolf’ himself, you got through the brief scoffing-at-your-attempts-at-conversation stage and actually realized that dallas isn’t all that bad. maybe he’s wore you down, maybe it’s just habit at this point, but he’s actually tolerable when he’s not around all these dumb broads who are looking for a quick bang.

it took a while. like, a long while. but dallas didn’t mind you anymore. you were no longer the pest that buzzed around his ears in hopes that you weren’t swatted away. dallas claimed he didn’t have friends, need friends. but you’re one of the closest people that would ever get a chance to see dallas the way he truly is. you had met the curtis brothers, already recognizing sodapop from school before he dropped out. you had met two-bit, an obnoxiously flirty drunk who threw teasing remarks at you and dally at night long. you had met steve, although all he did was sneer at you when you got close to him, similar to a dog with a piece of beef in its mouth.

when dallas had finally asked you out, it was curt. grumbling a small offer in an attempt to sound tougher so he would mask his awkwardness if you said no. but if you’re being honest, you couldn’t imagine being with any other boy besides dallas winston. he plagued your mind, planted like weeds that you couldn’t get rid of. whether that were his intentions all along were unknown, although you wouldn’t put it past him. dallas was an interesting guy, for sure.

listen to me baby, i don’t mind

i wanna be with you and waste my time

“y’know, you don’t have to be here right?” you asked him, watching as he blowed another cloud of smoke through the small gap his mouth provided on the other side of his cigarette occupied lips.

he merely glanced at you, his arm behind his head as he lounged about on your bed, weight crinkling the sheets.

“because if—“

“can you relax? i wanna be here, otherwise i’d get up and leave right now.” he plucked the cigarette from his mouth as he fully turned his head to look at you.

you shrugged, “i wonder what’d make me ask when you’ve said ‘i’m wasting my time’ and ‘how long are you stretching this out’ and—“

“alright, alright. i get it.”

you sat in silence for a bit, feeling a bit awkward at the fact that you pulled his card and had said nothing more. you were convinced dallas would leave once he had sat up, dusting some ash off of his dark shirt.

“how long ‘til you finish that thing?” he pointed to the paper on your desk below you, leaning his elbows against his thighs as he got comfortable in the new position.

“why? you need t’much attention?” you cooed at him teasingly, still keeping your eyes glued to the paper.

“feels like you’ve been workin’ on it forever. i don’t wanna spend my time in silence while my girlfriend is just working on her homework.”

girlfriend, you repeated in your head. he’s been getting pretty ballsy with this label thing, huh? you smiled to yourself, writing one last sentence before putting your pencil down and getting up from your desk. dallas’ eyes trailed your figure as you stood between his legs, his hands instinctively resting on your hips.

you would almost call it domestic, the way his brown eyes gazed at you. the brown eyes that were so full of disdain and resentment for the world, somehow had room for adoration whenever he looked at you. you always admired that about him.

you placed your hand on his face, before giving him his wishes and unceremoniously plopping on top of him. you couldn’t deny him, dallas winston always got what he wanted.

give it to me baby, i feel good

i wanna feel whatever you think i should

sing it for me, baby, play my song

i wanna hear your daddy sing along

“i dunno.” he said, shrugging his shoulders.

“what do you mean you don’t know?” you put your hand on your hip and looked down at dally, a cancer stick shoved between his lips as usual.

“i don’t dance, ‘specially not with losers like you.”

“hey!”

it was the perfect moment, you were at a family party with dally. you two decided to go to a small clearing behind the house, the smell of trees wafting in the air. it was distant enough that nobody would see you but it was close enough that you could still hear the music faintly blasting through the speakers.

“c’mon dal, nobody can see us. just you ‘n me.” you held out your hand, tilting your head as you offered for a final time.

he stared at it for a second, eyes flickering between your face and your hand as he cocked an eyebrow similarly to two-bit’s habit.

you scoffed and rolled your eyes. “fine, guess i’ll just go find another guy to dance with. i’m sure andy would love—“

and then came dally’s hands on your hips pulling you back towards him when you tried to saunter away back to the front of the house. you yelped as he tugged you towards him, getting up from the small white garden chair.

you laughed and threw your head back as dallas tried to twirl you, he was almost comically stiff as he did a small two-step shuffle with you in his arms.

“wow, so romantic.”

“shut up.”

you leaned forward and rested your chin on his shoulder, relaxing in his embrace as the music changed to a much slower song. you assumed the adults were slow-dancing with each other, too. you found it funny how when you were little, you would gag at anybody else doing these actions and now, you just realize how in love they were with each other.

you mumbled the lyrics a bit as you swayed in dally’s arms, resting your eyes as his hands came to sit on your waist.

dallas relaxed a bit, too. he listened to your sweet voice as you lowly whispered the lyrics from off the top of your head, mumbling incoherent phrases at lyrics you didn’t know.

if you had told anybody else about this, about how you had practically domesticated dallas winston, about how he was no longer the big bad wolf of tulsa but instead of a common dog who rested his head in your lap, they’d never believe you. they could never believe that he could be anything else besides a greaser, that’s all that mattered in this town. you cherished these moments, oblivious to the futures ahead of you and dallas.

mary is the one who leaves you to rot

she says, ‘i am real and you are not’

that phone call from dallas still haunts you. his voice was breathy, you heard him groan at the slightest shift of movement, he sounded like he was on the verge of tears.

“what did you do, dal?” you remember the way you clutched the landline, your palms had already been sweaty. one second you were hunched over a desk stressing about math homework, and the next you were pressed up against the wall as you frantically tried to get dally’s location.

you remember the way he had whispered your name over the phone. his voice cracked as he repeated it. for a while, it was ‘doll’ this and ‘baby’ that, he rarely called you by your name anymore.

“please, just tell me where you’re at dallas.” your voice was barely a whisper at that point, you were surprised at how the phone picked it up. you pressed your forehead against the wall as you begged him not to go once he told you his goodbyes. you remember how before he slammed down the phone, he let out a small cry.

“i love you.”

and then came the familiar dial tone.

you remembered feeling a pang in your heart, it was like your vision went blurry. your throat was practically coated with barbed wire as you fought back a sob, biting your fist to avoid a cry from escaping your lips, an old habit you had learned from dallas whenever he tried to hide from you.

it was nothing like the movies, where a dramatic string quartet would play in the background as you ran in slow-motion out the door. your mind couldn’t think, your thoughts couldn’t focus. your thighs started shaking as you ran out of the door, not even bothering to put shoes on.

the cool air hit your legs, creating a pebbles effect against your skin as the goosebumps raised. your legs didn’t stop, you ran until you couldn’t anymore as you followed the noise and the array of police cars that made a bee-line down the street to the old convenience store.

you remembered the burn in your nostrils and at the back of your throat, the cool air hitting both your bare shoulders and sinuses. that didn’t stop you, though. all you could think about was dally.

you remembered how your eyes couldn’t even focus on what was in front of you. all you saw was dallas, and in his hand was a gun, in replacement of his normal cigarette.

she says, ‘i am real and you are not’

you couldn’t eat after that. who could eat so casually after watching their boyfriend be gunned down right in front of them?

it’s all a blur now, your adrenaline blocking out most of the details. all you remember was crying, as shouts came from the gang, yelling about how dally was just a kid. those screams still haunt you to this day. even now, you can’t look at a pack of kools without thinking of dallas.

you understand why he did it for johnny. johnny was the closest thing dally had to a family. if he was alive now, you’d smack the shit out of him though. you weren’t selfish, nor were you a mean person, but you couldn’t forgive dallas for doing this to you.

as you laid in bed the night of his death, you remembered how dally had made promises that were soon proven to be empty about escaping this small town, to a place with no worries. you realized now how stupid it sounded, but that didn’t matter to you because you had dally. had. and now what you had was gone, lost with the solemn memories of resting against the silk pillows and whispering small words that no other person would ever get to hear, for those words would never leave that bedroom, and those words would never leave your mind either.

you know it now, that dallas was trying to just plant himself in your mind. in his own sick way, he wanted a piece of him to be left with you. and you couldn’t deny him, dallas winston always got what he wanted.

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥ the outsiders did NOT have to go that hard with that “whatever dally wants dally got” quote

kiss kiss ˗ˏˋ꒰ 🍒 ꒱

#the outsiders x reader #the outsiders #fanfiction #x reader #dallas winston x reader #dallas winston #angst fic #songfic #dally imagine #the outsiders dally #dally winston #dallas winston headcanons #dallas winston blurb #dallas winston imagine #dallas winston fanfiction #the outsiders fanfiction #ambrozjas #kiss kiss

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bettyfrommars · 10 months

Text

I'm on Fire

Part 13: This Heart is Haunted

18+Only, mature content, angst, reader is being stalked, mention of physical & emotional abuse, biker MC, unprotected sex, sex with someone other than reader, exes are everywhere, mention of battling cancer, home invasion, tarot reading, spiritual guidance, mention of a gun, mention of taking someone's life, hurt & comfort. wc: 8.6k

Masterlist Playlist

Summary: Reader and Eddie are very much in love as the world piles on again. Both of their exes are in town, and Craig leaves a disturbing calling card to let reader know he is watching. Steve is properly introduced to Charlene in more ways than one, Astrid tries to protect Steve in the best way she knows how, and we get a peek into what Wayne "Uncle" Munson is thinking

--------

"Wendy let me in, I wanna be your friend I want to guard your dreams and visions Just wrap your legs 'round these velvet rims And strap your hands across my engines."

Born to Run - Bruce Springsteen

I'm on Fire Part 13: This Heart is Haunted

--------

John Gregson sent you a generous down payment for his commissioned painting, and most of it went right to the art store with you to by a roll of canvas, new paints, and brushes. Eddie went with you, and insisted on driving your car, but not before he had to adjust the driver’s seat all the way back so that he wasn’t eating his knees. He found a paint-by-numbers color pack of a dragon for Oliver, and crept up behind you, pretending to be someone else.

“Excuse me, miss? You are so fine,” he whispered in the sketchbook aisle. “Are you single, by chance?”

You checked to each side of you, feigning to look for him. “There’s this one guy I fuck from time to time, but it’s not serious.”

“Oh, is that right?” Eddie tickled your ribs, and then picked you up off your feet, munching down on the side of your neck with his teeth. “You better take it back.”

“You’re gonna get us kicked out,” you wiggled free with a laugh that seemed to echo off of the store walls, shoes squeaking on the linoleum.

Eddie wouldn’t let you carry anything on the way out to the car, and you did not miss some of the feminism that left your body in that moment as he held one of the bags in his teeth. The canvas roll was almost too long for the back seat, and you had a moment of panic, but then Eddie figured it out, clapping for himself after and taking a small bow.

The big, scary biker with the tattooed hands and the War Machine insignia kindly reminded you to fasten your seat belt, just as he clicked on his own and slipped his sunglasses on.

“I don’t know, Munson,” you grinned into the sun as he backed out of the parking space. “You’ve been such a help today, there might be some roadhead on the menu.”

He slammed the brakes and snapped his head to look at you, his hair flying, making you get the giggles. “See, now you’ll have to forget I said anything. I want it to be a surprise.”

He continued backing out, checking over his shoulder. “Surprise roadhead could kill a man, baby. You gotta give me some warning.”

So far, it had been the most chill day since before you’d been fired. You were sinking into the routine of “normal” couples, doing mundane chores together, holding hands in public, being sickeningly, adoringly head over heels for each other. And it felt really good. So good, in fact, you could almost forget for a second about all of the shit that had gone wrong, and could possibly go wrong.

Much earlier that morning as you lay curled up naked next to him in bed with your leg over him and your head on his chest, listening to a song by Mother Love Bone pour out softly from the stereo in Eddie’s apartment, he asked what you were thinking.

You’d been quiet for a while, zoning out, touching your fingertips to his as he spread them out to meet yours across the menacing bat tattoo on his chest.

“It’s silly,” you mumbled, kissing his shoulder with the side of your mouth. The morning was warm with a soft breeze blowing one of the long, blue curtains out into the room, and above the sound of the music came the rumble of motorcycles rolling into the compound, and electric drill firing in the garage across the way.

“Still,” he rested his head on yours. “I want to hear it. I want to know what goes on in that quirky brain of yours.”

As comfortable as you were with Eddie at that point, you were shy about admitting some of your deep-seated insecurities. What if you spoke them out loud and they came true? What if you started to let him know what went on in your “quirky”, anxiety riddled brain, and it scared him off?

You decided to take a chance, burying your face a bit more in the indentation of his armpit. “In the past, whenever I've felt genuine happiness, or everything seemed to be going really well, that’s always when everything would go to shit. So, I have this fear that—”

“---that you’re going to lose me?” Eddie interrupted softly, sliding his fingers down to intertwine with yours.

“Well, yeah,” you admitted. “Exactly that. Losing you, or something happening to Katie or Steve’s family. Anyone I care about.”

“The same shit happens to me in my head,” he promised. “It almost won’t let me enjoy whatever good thing is happening because I’m already thinking about how it could get fucked up. I’m always anticipating the next bad thing.”

“We are a sad pair,” you snorted a laugh.

“Hey, really though, listen to me,” he squeezed you tighter. “You’re not going to lose me, baby, fuck that. As long as we tell each other what is going on and we don’t have any secrets, no one can fuck with us. I won’t let anyone fuck with us.”

You propped up on your forearm to meet his eyes; they were bright brown and earnest. You swept his bangs to the side with your fingertips. “Well, that’s good to know because I don’t think I’d survive this level of heartbreak.”

“I won’t ever break your heart,” Eddie searched your face, running his knuckle down your cheek. “And if you break mine, I’ll probably sulk around for the rest of my life, just a shell of a man, playing songs on the street corner for loose change.”

You chuckled and scooted closer to kiss his mouth. “What are the deal breakers for you in a relationship? Something you could never forgive?”

He squinted curiously at you. “Are you trying to walk that line, sweetheart?”

“No,” you bit your lip through a smile, but then dropped your head back to the warm skin of his shoulder. “My deal breaker is cheating. I can forgive a lot of things, but never that.”

Eddie took a big inhale, thinking about this, but then he swallowed hard. “Just the thought of another man touching you, past or present, makes me see red, baby.”

There was a tension in the air as Eddie considered the crushing weight of said betrayal, and you bit at a piece of skin on your thumb, thinking about the complex inner workings of Eddie Munson.

To break the heavy silence, you started crawling on top of him, kissing his neck, working your core against his stiff morning wood. Eddie held your face and sucked at your bottom lip, running his tongue along the soft skin there, while you pressed the slick of your slit on his cock, arousal already evident.

“Would you really kill someone for me, baby?” You breathed, reminded of how he said he would kill or die for you.

“Without question,” he hissed at your wetness, reaching down to line the tip of his cock up with your entrance.

You sank down quickly, needing all of him with fluttering urgency. “When I think of someone, I will let you know,” you hushed. He cursed into your mouth and spanked your ass as you rode him, knowing that this was the only cock you would have inside of you for the rest of your life, and you felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

Back in the sunny parking lot outside of the art supply store, Eddie continued on behind the wheel, pausing for a group of people as they strolled into he store, hand on your leg, squeezing your knee as he waited. He angled the car down in front of a clothing store, on his way to exit onto the street, and had to wait for a couple more people to cross.

You weren’t paying attention, too absorbed at the time pawing through the bag of goodies in your lap, fingering the new pastels and linseed oil with glee. But Eddie’s fingers dug into your leg and gripped there in a way that made you glance over at him.

Waiting at the crosswalk, Eddie’s skin drained of color as he watched the people pass in front of the car. You followed his attention: there was an older woman, perhaps 50, two younger girls maybe ages 7 or 8, a pretty blonde girl around 30, and a woman who could have been a supermodel with long, auburn hair, a short denim skirt, and a dragon tattoo on her thigh.

Your attention rose to Eddie and his nostrils flared, blinking a few times, teeth grinding.

For whatever reason, the tension made you nervous. “Baby, what is it? What’s wrong? Do you know them?”

Eddie swallowed, patting your leg a few times, forcing a smile that did not reach his eyes. “It’s nothing sweetheart. I just remembered something I had to do later on, that’s all.”

Not even a full day had passed since you’d both agreed to never to keep anything from each other, and there he was, lying already. He knew that you could tell he was withholding something, which made it even worse. His hope at the time was, if he ignored it, maybe it would go away.

Somehow, Melanie coming into town had almost slipped his mind, until he saw her there with his very own eyes walking with Chrissy, her mom, and her twin daughters. She looked different, but also exactly the same. The difference was that he no longer found her attractive; she might as well of had rotting flesh rolling off her bones for how repulsed he was to see her there in the street. He wasn’t afraid to tell you, he just didn’t want it to be real, he wanted to ignore her until she left town, and you could live in the bliss of never being able to put a face to her.

First of all, Eddie was a horrible liar. It was not hard for you to put the pieces together and realize that he did know one of the women in that group, if not all of them. But, you took one last look at his profile, told him you loved him, and decided to let it go. For now.

----------

A few days earlier, after the incident with Inky, Steve rolled up to the house at dawn to find Robin waiting up at the kitchen table. She was having a cigarette with her coffee, and Robin never smoked. He watched her bite into her thumbnail, chew it off, and then spit it on the floor as he stepped into the room.

“What’s up?” Steve shut the sliding door behind him and locked it. “Where’s Oliver?”

Robin put her finger to her lips to ask him to ask him to keep it down. She saw how he was favoring his freshly bandaged hand, but chose not to ask questions. “Katie is asleep,” she flicked the end of her cig over the ashtray. “Oliver spent the night with Wayne.”

Cautiously, Steve clapped down into the seat across from her, wallet chain hitting first, motioning for her to slide the pack of bargain basement knockoff cigarettes over. He had his own lighter, but she shot the box of matches over to him as well. Striking the match to light his smoke, Steve bucked his chin at the manila envelope she had next to her. “What’s in there?”

Robin brushed her hair off of her face and hunched forward. “Oh it’s just a little something. Might cheer you up.”

She pushed the envelope toward him with the pads of her fingers, both sets of eyes on it as it traveled across the faux wood surface. Now Steve knew exactly what it was when he saw the label on the front but even then, he was riddled with confusion.

“How did you--?”

A part of Steve knew, even though there’s no way he could’ve had any idea where Robin went that night or what she’d said to Tina to get her to sign her rights to Oliver away. Or the gun she’d pointed loaded and proud, letting them know there were only two ways the night could end, and both involved her walking away with those signatures. The saddest part was how quickly Tina had agreed to take the money in exchange for Oliver; there hadn’t even been a glimmer of internal struggle. Robin told herself it was for the best though, and once Oliver was old enough to ask questions, he would never know about that night, or how quickly he’d been given up.

Now, they really were broke, even more than before, and without any safety net to fall back on. But, no one would ever show up and try to take their son away again without facing legal ramifications, and Robin might’ve also let her know that she wouldn’t hesitate to put a bullet in her throat if she ever tried to get sneaky. “If you take Oliver, Steve and I will have nothing to lose. You know what they say about not wanting to fuck with someone who has nothing to lose.”

Steve peeked inside, exhaling a long, hot breath. After sucking on his lip for a few seconds, he raised a skeptical eyebrow at her. “You’re telling me you got her to sign these and you got them notarized?”

“Katie,” Robin squinted and took another drag. The sleeve of her flannel fell down to expose the vine of an ivy tattoo on her forearm.

“She’s a notary? No shit?” he said the last part under his breath, chuckling a bit to himself.

Katie’s old job status as a notary public was a small detail that Robin had been fascinated to discover. Meeting up at a seedy motel in the middle of the night in her pajamas did not put Katie in a particularly compliant mood, but she offered her official services without too much of a fight. In fact, she had to admit later how much it had turned her on to find her girlfriend holding two people at gunpoint like that. It made her feel like she was in an episode of 21 Jump Street.

Steve rubbed one eye with the palm of his hand. The other hand, the one Astrid had cleaned and put a fresh bandage on for good measure, had just been used as a deadly weapon and pummeled a guy to the brink of death just the day before. He’d do it again in a heartbeat because no one threatened his family and got away with it. “Jesus, fuck, Rob. You know I love you, right?”

“Oh, you better,” she snorted a laugh, and then, softly,“I’d do anything for Ollie. And you. You know this,” and then she smashed the cigarette out in the ashtray. She couldn’t look him in the eye for fear the floodgates would open.

A sob hitched in his chest and he had to clear his throat. He really was on some real emotional bullshit lately and he made a fist with his good hand and banged it on the table, trying to collect himself. “Ditto.”

Robin got up and stretched her arms back with a yawn. “I’m going back to bed for an hour. You at the shop this afternoon?”

“Until late, yeah,” Steve couldn’t take his eyes off of the envelope. “I’m working on that chest piece for Thor.” Thor was one of the other Coffin Kings, a huge, beastly blonde dude with a long, braided beard.

Robin braced her hands on the back of the chair. “You thought anymore about going to Scott’s wedding this weekend?”

“Scott, you mean Daphne’s Scott?” Steve shook his head. “I haven’t thought about it at all, actually. There’s no way I’m going to that.”

Steve had only met Scott once at one of their barbecues, and Daphne knew Robin because her daughter and Oliver were the same age, but the last place Steve wanted to be stuck at was a wedding for two people he barely knew, or any wedding at all for that matter.

“You sure?” Robin craned her neck. “There’s going to be an open bar at the reception.”

“Nah, I got a thing on Saturday,” Steve waved his hand. “Take Katie, why don’t you?”

“I’ll think about it,” Robin worked her neck from side to side. “What do you have on Saturday?”

For some reason, a voice inside of Steve whispered that he should keep his plans vague. “Body guard gig,” he offered in a bored tone. He didn’t have to ask to know that Robin must’ve had to have paid off Tina somehow, and now they’d need some extra cash more than ever. What he wanted to do was change the subject. “Any word from Susie or Dustin?”

“Now that you mention it,” Robin scratched her cheek. “She’s due any day now and no, I haven’t heard a word. I should’ve checked in, I’ve just been out of my mind lately.”

“Dustin knows we’re in the thick of it,” Steve assured her. “We’re the first ones on the call list when she does go into labor, but I’ll give him a ring this afternoon to say hey.” He yawned, blinking his tired eyes a few times. “Should I take Ollie to the shop with me?”

“No, after Wayne drops him off, I got him,” Robin stole a curious look at Steve, knowing full well that there was something he wasn’t telling her. She was too exhausted in that moment to ask any questions as she turned to head down the hall. “Take a shower, dingus. You look like death warmed over.”

-----------

Wayne always kept his shotgun up high in a locked closet whenever the kid came to stay, but when he returned from dropping Ollie off with his parents, he stood there at the open closet looking around for a minute. He fingered through the flannels and old jackets, skidding the wire hangers along the wooden dowel, until he found the frayed denim edge he was looking for. He yanked back the line of clothes so he could pull the article of clothing out and take a look at it.

It was his original denim with the sleeves cut off, known as a cut, or Kutte, with the Coffin Kings MC insignia on the back. The matching insignia among club members were all “cut” from the same cloth. He held it up and wiped his hand down it a few times, as if to dust it off, looking over the worn and road weary patches, including the one with his nickname “Uncle” over the pocket, because he’d been an honorary uncle to so many, including Steve and Astrid.

He took it over to the mirror on the back wall of his bedroom, set the hanger on the chair and pulled the denim on over his white tee, adjusting the collar, working his shoulders through. Chemo had taken a lot of his size, and so it hung a bit loose, but the shoulder muscles were still there, and he flexed his hands, knowing they could still deftly maneuver a blade or a gun, just like the old days.

Sticking out of the side of the mirror was was a black and white photo that had been bent in half and wrinkled over time. A photo of a much younger Wayne, Astrid’s mother Evelyn with her jet black hair over her shoulder in a braid, and Steve and Eddie as little kids; not much older than Oliver. The boys wanted to be a part of the life so bad, even then, that Evie made them their own vests, complete with Munson and Harrington patches and the Coffin Kings skull on the back. Evie had her hand on Wayne’s chest in the photo, gazing up at him, and Wayne’s arm was around her shoulders, but his eyes were on Steve, his mouth open about to say something. Steve was making a face, his mouth in a grimace to expose two missing front teeth, both of his arms up, flexing to pretend he had muscles. Eddie was more stoic, his expression set without emotion as he stared into the camera, hands in fists at his sides, feet braced wide. Off to the side was young Astrid. She was a few years older than the boys, but still a baby. Wayne remembered she didn’t want to be in the photo, but Steve started acting out to get her to come over, and there she was, face slightly blurred as she tried to move away, but a smile on her face nonetheless.

Wayne met his eyes in the mirror; windows to a soul that was familiar but set in a face he no longer recognized. He thought about his panhead motorcycle collecting dust at the storage unit across town. He thought about how badly he wanted to protect Oliver from the horrors of this world, from the MC life. The boy liked to paint and draw and bake things, and Wayne didn’t understand that either, but he didn’t see the lust for danger in his eyes like he had with Steve and Eddie; Steve, especially. Like he wanted to turn the world on its head and dump it out to see how it worked. Maybe he had the love of a good mom for that, the kind of mom that stuck around. He thought about all of the things this disease had already taken from him, but it wouldn’t take this. He wouldn’t go down without a fight.

-----------

You’d stayed at Eddie’s for the past two nights in a row, and even though he would have you there with him every night if he had his way, you needed to set up your art room and take advantage of one of your afternoon off to work on John’s commission before you went back to the Hammer. You needed to stretch and frame the large canvas first, a meticulous process that took place in the garage, and then put up painters plastic around the art room so you wouldn’t flick paint around on the walls of the rental.

Eddie had brought you to work and picked you up the night before, and he took you home that next day in the tow truck so he could head to a job after. He popped in at the diner on the way to grab two coffee’s to go in tall white, Styrofoam cups. The older, married waitress there named Donna had a crush on both him and Wayne, and always gave him free stuff, for which they tipped handsomely. He came out of the diner holding the two cups up, wiggling his eyebrows at you.

“Things with Donna and I are getting serious, just so you know,” Eddie climbed up into the cab and passed your coffee to you, and then leaned over for a kiss once he was behind the wheel. “Black with two sugars for my lady.”

“Well, I don’t blame her one bit,” you clicked your tongue, leaning over to smell the fresh brew through the mouth opening in the lid and feel the steam on your skin, snuggling down into one of Eddie’s hooded sweatshirts. “Now I need to find an older, married boyfriend, and we’ll be even.”

What was meant to be a joke hit a little different because of the whole John Gregson situation, but Eddie snorted a chuckle as he put his cup in the holder on the dash. “You’re gonna turn me into a homicidal maniac if you’re not careful, sweetheart.”

As he got back on the main road toward your place, a glimmer caught your eye. The guitar pic on the ball chain hanging from the rear view mirror had always been there, but now there was a little, silver worry ring on the chain too, hanging flush with the red pick. It was the worry ring you usually wore on your thumb that you’d thought you had lost weeks ago. You reached up to take a better look and make sure.

“Baby, what is my ring doing here?”

Eddie took a wide turn, sucking his cheek, realizing he was properly caught red handed. “You left it on the nightstand that first time you came over,” he answered.

Your mouth fell open to goad him. “Why didn’t you tell me you found it?”

Eddie’s eyes found the ring in question where it swayed with the movement of he vehicle. “I don’t know, I think I meant to, but then I kinda liked having it in here with me. Whenever I look at it, I think about you. Something stupid like that.”

Your heart rushed, sending waves of heat through your veins. You were staring at his profile now, unable to look away, absolutely, wholly filled to the brim with love for this man.

“You really got it bad for me, don’t cha Munson?”

He offered a small nod and a shrug, tapping his thumb on the steering wheel to the beat of the music.

--------------

It was almost 9am by the time Eddie dropped you off at the duplex. Katie was already at the school, and your orange tabby cat Charlie was in a mood, so you sat on the couch with him for a bit while you finished your coffee. Although Charlie loved affection, he was normally such a chill dude, but that morning he didn’t want to leave your side even after you put his favorite gravy bits breakfast in his food dish. You had been gone for a couple nights in a row, but you always came by during the day to check on him, so it wasn’t as if he’ been abandoned. It was almost as if he was trying to tell you something.

You stroked his ears back and kissed the top of his head. “Tell me, my boy, what’s on your mind?” But he only meowed, nuzzling closer, massaging his claws into your leg.

You ate some granola and dropped your bag on the floor at the end of your bed without turning the light on, heading straight into the bathroom for a much needed shower. You let the water get as hot as you could handle it, noticing the bruises on your hips for the first time from the way Eddie man-handled you during sex. You smiled against the stream of water at the memory.

Charlie was sitting on the sink with his tail curled around his feet when you opened the shower curtain, staring you down. “Close your eyes,” you told the cat as you clutched in the air for the green bath towel that was hooked over the metal dowel.

At least, you thought it was hanging there, but now you were grabbing at air because it was on the floor. You wiped water from your eyes and snapped another look at Charlie before you bent down to pick it up. “Did you do this?”

You were mumbling to yourself, wrapping the towel around your body and stepped out onto the mat. You remembered closing the bathroom door, but now it was open and you imagined that Charlie had pushed it open with his brute strength. You paused to put some moisturizer on your face, and then turned to open the door the rest of the way and face the bed, and that was when you realized there was something terribly wrong.

The bed was made; everything neatly tucked, comforter folded back at an angle, as an invitation. Had it been that way before you went into the shower? You wouldn’t know because you hadn’t turned the light on to look. The pile of clean laundry you’d thrown on the messy bed just the day before were nowhere to be found. You weren’t freaking out yet, not when you knew that Katie went into turbo cleaning fits when she was stressed, and there had been a lot going on with Robin lately. But it wasn’t like her to come into your space while you were gone and mess with your things.

A fear began to bubble inside of you as you clutched the towel tighter around your body, senses heightened as you inched over to check down the hall and in the closet. You were starting to feel so afraid that your hands got cold as shock began to set in preemptively.

With trembling fingers, you took hold of the wood knob and pulled open the top drawer of your dresser, only to jump back, covering your mouth to try and trap the scream that erupted.

Your underwear and socks were neatly folded into color coded rows. You yanked out the drawer under that and the next, only to find the same symmetry of tediously folded clothing. The second drawer fell all the way out and crashed to the carpet. In a frenzy, you dove forward and started scooping all of the clothing out of the drawers, yanking them all to the floor, making them a mess, throwing them around the room, tears running hot down your cheeks. You didn’t stop until the bottom drawer was empty; the drawer that had a few pieces of lingerie and silky pajama sets, all of it had been sorted and folded in the exact same way.

You covered your nose and mouth with your hands and sat down on the bed, taking sharp inhales, adrenaline preparing you for some kind of fight, flight, or fawn: whichever would keep you from eminent danger. There was and ocean in your ears.

You did not do this.

Katie would not do this.

The only person in the world who would ever do this

was your maniacal, neat freak ex fiance Craig.

Now you could hear a footstep creak on the wood planks in the hall just outside your bedroom and from behind you on the bed, Charlie hissed.

------------

Eddie didn’t have to take the long way back by your street with the old Chrysler on the back of the tow, but he did anyway, just because he liked being in your vicinity. Much like the “old days” when he would ride by your work, back when he thought you wouldn’t give him the time of day.

As he turned onto the street, he could see the front of your duplex on the corner, but his smile faded when he saw the front door was open. Not open just a crack, but open all the way, exposing the interior or the house, and you didn’t have a screen door, so he wouldn’t imagine you’d leave it that way on purpose. What if your cat got loose? He took a sharper turn than he should have to line the truck and pull along the opposite side of the street to park it, doing his best not to crush your neighbors garbage can, all the while keeping his eyes on the entrance, thinking maybe you’d appear and there would be some explanation.

He paused before crossing the street as a guy in a hunter green utility vehicle inched its way to the stop sign. The driver stared Eddie down as he went at a crawl, and Eddie was taken aback to be aggressively eyeballed by a stranger, but he returned the heated glare, bucking his chin. “Fuck’s your problem, man?” Eddied shouted, shrugging his hands in the air. The guy gave an open mouth smile, and made a motion of dragging his fingers across his throat, just before he stomped on the gas and flew through the stop sign, taking a right. Normally, Eddie would’ve taken more notice of the details of the license plate and whatnot, but his attention quickly returned to your open door, taking long strides to the opposite sidewalk.

Eddie looked around before he stepped inside, hand on the hilt of his knife. “Baby? Are you in here?” He asked it softly so it wouldn’t scare you. “It’s Eddie. Your door is wide open.”

His ears followed the sound of things being tossed around, and something heavy hitting the ground with a wooden crack. But then you screamed and his heart tightened as he bolted down the hall.

“Baby?” He entered your bedroom to find all of your dressers drawers open, and two on the ground, clothes scattered everywhere. You jumped when you saw him, scrambling back with a shriek, clutching a towel to the front of your body so that you wouldn’t be exposed.

You were afraid of him, or whoever you thought he was. Cheeks wet with tears, eyes wild like a feral animal caught in a trap. You backed all the way to the wall with your hand out, palm up, before you realized who it was.

“Eddie?” Relief flooded through you, and you dropped the towel, stark naked, to run into his arms, a sob choking in your throat. The feel of his denim and cool of his belt bucket against your skin helped to soothe your nerves, taking a deep inhale of the woodsy spice scent of his aftershave.

Eddie’s mind was reeling as he held you tight; one hand cupped behind your neck and the other at your back rubbing in slow circles. “It’s me, baby. It’s just me.”

You blinked hard, wishing he’d never had to see you like this, wishing you’d never have to tell him about Craig and why you were so afraid of him. You had no proof that your ex had actually been in your house, but also---you had all the proof you needed. This kind of sick fuck head game was right up Craig’s alley. But how had he found you? How would you ever get rid of him now? You didn’t want Eddie to have to get involved with this mess. Sure, Eddie was tough, but Craig was certifiable, and you were well aware that there was nothing he wouldn’t do to keep you in his life.

You buried your face in Eddie’s chest and wrapped your arms as tight as possible, wishing you could both run away and disappear and not have to deal with any of this.

“Talk to me, baby,” Eddie said in a lower octave than normal, his blood boiling. “Who did this to you?”

-----------

That afternoon on Friday, Steve went to meet the woman he’d be doing security for the next day. He gave a low whistle as he rolled up to the main gates, “holy shit,” he mumbled, pinching a smoke between his lips, lighting it while his bike idled and he pushed the buzzer to announce himself. He combed his fingers through his hair as he rode in over a blood stain that was embedded in the cement, shooting a look to the 10 car garage, wondering what kind of beauties were in there and hoping he’d get to drive one.

“Be careful,” Astrid had warned a few nights ago when he stayed at her place. She shuffled her Tarot deck and did a quick reading for him. She tapped her finger on one of the cards. “I don’t like the look of this. I think someone with a dark heart has their evil eye on you.” Without looking up at him, she continued. “I need to do a protection spell before you go.”

“Does that protection spell include you riding my face?” Steve scooted his chair forward, lunging to kiss her temple, but she shrugged him off, trying to concentrate.

Her eyes were sweeping over the cards she’d just pulled for him with a tense bundle of lines between her thick, dark eyebrows. “I’m serious Steve. It’s someone with power who wants to own you, and I think the offer will be very tempting. Think Satan in a Sunday hat.”

She pulled two more cards. Her eyes flicked from Steve to the table several times. “Are you going to some kind of formal event this weekend?”

Steve winced. “Not if I can help it, why?”

This gift that Astrid had was much deeper than deciphering the magic in a deck; she had always been able to see beyond the veil of the known world. It was her gift that kept her lonely, and more often than not, she saw it as a curse.

She sat back in her seat to look the cards over again for an unnerving amount of time. Her intuition was foggy, and she couldn’t put her finger on exactly what would go wrong yet, but there were multiple threats on the horizon and her gut told her it was time to circle the wagons.

Steve’s tongue flicked out to lick the corner of his mouth. “Don’t leave me hangin’ here, darlin’. Do I get kidnapped by a bunch of circus clowns, or what?”

Her eyes locked onto his, letting him know she was serious. “Watch your back this weekend, Stevie.”

He took her hand. “Don’t I always, sweetheart?”

He thought about Astrid’s words as he wound the bike around to park at the front door, exhaling smoke as he flicked the cigarette to the side. He slid his sunglasses up on top of his head, taking in the expanse of the entryway, heavy boots plodding up the steps. At his wrist on a thin leather band was the tiny charm and gemstone Astrid had made him wear after she dowsed him in sage smoke and said a bunch of words he didn’t understand.

Charlene greeted him in nothing but the tiniest of bikinis, a straw sun hat, and a blue and red kimono, and Steve couldn’t help but adjust himself in his jeans at the way her breasts were almost spilling out of the tiny yellow top.

She offered him a drink out by the pool under one of the umbrellas, and Steve accepted a beer.

“I should thank you again for bailing me out,” Steve took a drink, glad that his eyes were hidden behind his sunglasses because he couldn’t’ take them off her heaving rack; the way the sweat trickled down her tan cleavage. A pool boy in tight, cut off jean shorts was cleaning debris from the surface of the crystal clear pool with a net at the end of a long handle.

“Anytime,” Charlene was so very charming when she wanted to be. “A friend of Eddie’s is a friend of mine.”

Steve took a generous gulp and put his forearms on the table. “Yeah? You know my buddy Eddie?”

Charlene flipped her blonde hair off of her shoulder. “Has he never mentioned me? We go way back.”

“Never,” Steve said without hesitation, making Charlene frown. “Not that I remember anyway. But Eddie and I don’t talk as much anymore. We’ve been too fucking busy.”

That seemed to lighten her expression, but the thought did occur to Steve to wonder how Eddie got word to her that he was in jail? He was pretty sure he didn’t even know about what happened until the next day. But, fuck it. Who cares how she found out? He just wanted to get this bodyguard gig over with and get his cash.

They agreed on a price for an evening of Steve’s services, and then Charlene led him inside to guide him up the big, lavish staircase to a guest bedroom where she had a gray and white suit waiting for him. She unzipped the black Armani sleeve it was in and Steve gulped. His mind immediately raced thinking about how much he could pawn it for on Sunday if she let him keep it.

“My cousin is getting married tomorrow,” she perched at the end of the floral bedspread, watching him pick the suit up to admire it. “I guessed at your size, but I can have a tailor meet us here before we leave if it needs fixing.”

Sure, Steve had been a bouncer forever, and had worked as an extra bodyguard a few times for visiting celebrities, but a personal bodyguard and escort for a woman like Charlene? Never. He wasn’t even sure why she needed protection for a wedding; looking down at the suit, he felt more like a gigolo than hired muscle.

“Nah, I’m sure it’s perfect,” and then he eyeballed the wedding photo on the vanity of a much younger Charlene with some other dude. “Where is your husband these days? Why can’t he take you?”

Charlene stretched back so that she was spread out on the bed, the nipple of one breast poking out from under the thin material. Her body was toned and supple and not at all what he expected a woman in her mid 40’s to look like. “My husband leaves town a lot for work. He doesn’t ask what I do, and I don’t ask what he does.”

“Fair enough,” Steve flicked his tongue over his gold tooth, watching the way she arched her back, exposing herself to him, making him palm his erection through his denim.

“For instance,” Charlene reached behind her neck to undo the tie for her bikini top, pulling it down, letting him see the expensive titties in all their glory. “He left yesterday and won’t be home until next week.”

So, of course Steve fucked her. He came between her tits and gave her a pearl necklace made of his cum, liking the way it dripped down her throat. He fucked her ass because she begged him to, using only spit for lube, her face pressed into the mattress, until she came, and then Steve milked a few more bursts of cum onto her backside with a grunt.

He liked getting paid and getting laid at the same time. He felt like he’d been waiting his whole life for a perfect situation like this to fall into his lap.

---------

Eddie paced at the doorway, flexing his hands into fists, “so this Craig fucker came here to what? Terrorize you? Try and get you back? I will put a bullet in his skull.”

You gave Eddie the cliff notes version of your relationship with Craig while you got dressed. How you thought he was fun and charming at first, but once you moved in with him, things got scary. He wouldn’t let you talk to your friends or go anywhere without him. When you first got the courage to leave, he broke into the house you were staying at in the middle of the night and put a knife to your throat. He’d been honorably discharged from the military and used his connections in the police force to bypass the protection order you filed on him. He was emotionally and physically abusive and stalked you for two years before you were able to make it to Hawkins without much more than the clothes on your back, and Eddie was reeling with how bad he wanted to get his hands on this guy. It made him want to start going up and down every street looking for him, which was not totally out of the question.

He had to go outside on the back patio for a smoke and you followed him. You sat down in one of the camp chairs on the concrete slab facing a patch of lawn that was maintained by the owner of the duplex, but Eddie stayed on his feet. You watched the muscles in his jaw flex as he frowned into his cigarette, his thoughts going to dark and dangerous places.

From what you told him about what the guy looked like and the description of his car, that was the dude who had stared Eddie down earlier. He didn’t want to alarm you anymore than you already were by telling you that he saw him, that the fucker had probably been in your house while you were taking a shower. He couldn’t have you staying at the duplex anymore until he could make sure that creep was long gone, and by long gone, he meant he was ready to put him in the dirt. If anyone could find him, Eddie could. He had family of the Kings who worked at police dispatch, and he had eyes all over town, from other tow truck drivers to every member of several MC’s. If this guy thought he was so sneaky, Eddie could do him one better.

Eddie was in a bad mood, cracking his knuckles, thinking about how much he would enjoy hurting this guy, when he heard a sniffle and realized you were crying.

“Hey, hey,” he snubbed the cigarette out in the ashtray Katie had there for the smoking she did when she was buzzed, and got down on his knees in front of you. He wiped a single tear off your cheek with his thumb, holding your jaw with gentle force so you would look at him. “This guy, he’s not gonna get near you again, alright? You’re gonna stay with me until I know you’re safe.” He cupped his hand around your neck and pulled your forehead to his. “Hey, I love you. You trust me when I say I’ll protect you, right?”

“It’s not that,” your eyes went to the Munson’s Garage patch on the front of his light blue work shirt. You kept your forehead pressed to his because you couldn’t look him in the eye. “Craig is dangerous, baby. I mean, he’s really crazy. I don’t want you getting hurt or---”

Eddie sat back on his heels, tilting his head to meet you eyes. “And you don’t think I’m crazy? Baby. I know you get the fluffy side of Eddie but I can do dangerous and crazy with the best of them. Okay? That’s all I’ve ever done. No one is going to fuck with my girl.”

His chocolate eyes searched you, needing to know that you believed you were safe.

You gnawed at your lip, eyes dewy and bloodshot. “I just wish this wasn’t happening,” you dropped your head again, mouth jerking down with impending sobs. “I wish we could run away.”

“Sorry baby but, fuck that,” Eddie stood. “You had to run from this guy once, he’s not gonna get the satisfaction of scaring you off this time. You’ve got me now.”

He squatted again, motioning for you to give him your hand and then he held it tight, brushing your knuckles with his thumb. “And Steve and Robin and Wayne, and the whole Coffin Kings MC, baby. I want you to trust me. This fucker will be sorry he ever stepped foot in Hawkins.”

You slotted your hands on either side of his neck at his jawline, pulling him in, and the salt of your tears mingled in the kiss, your mouth opening wide to take him deeper. Unexpected moans of desperation escaped both of you, hands greedy for purchase on each other’s parts. You made it back inside the house just in time for Eddie to dive his hand down the waistband of your shorts.

“You’re mine,” he breathed, fucking two fingers up inside you, stifling your cry of pleasure with his mouth.

You scrambled to undo his jeans, pushing them down his hips. “I need you so bad, baby. Fuck me.”

There was no time to make it to the bedroom, you broke the kiss only long enough to bend over the kitchen island, shorts down, arching your ass up. Eddie swiped his cock along your glistening core only once before burying it inside of you groaning at the sensation. “Holy fuck, I love you,” Eddie murmured, proceeding to fuck his entire length inside, pulling your slit apart with his thumbs so that he could watch himself enter you.

You bucked back against him, meeting his urgency, biting your lip through hungry whimpers. Eddie shoveled his hand around the front of your throat and pulled you back, choking you with soft pressure while he other hand braced at your hip and he fucked you hard. He preferred to look at you when he was about to cum, but the two of you were frantic, and he was already close. Clinging to the counter, the wet slapping sounds of Eddie stretching you out were about to throw you over the edge. His hand moved from your throat to your mouth, dipping inside for you to suck them.

Eddie’s hips locked onto you as he came, and the sensation made your walls flutter, gripping him in a way that extended his orgasm, cursing, both of you crying out, able to forget about the worries of the world if only for those precious moments as you rode the high.

---------

At a decent chain Motel by a truck stop near the highway, Craig Ludlow paid for a week in advance and sat in the dark puffing a cigar by the window with the curtain tightly closed. An episode of The Twilight Zone was on the TV, and it was the only light but for the golden glow from the bathroom in the hall. On the table next to him was a razor blade on a mirror with white powder residue, a shot glass empty of its Jim Beam, and a handgun.

There had been an ugly landscape painting on the opposite wall, but he took it down to make room for his work. There was a big cork board there now, a place for all of the information he had on you and your little biker friends. Steve’s mugshot was up there, along with one of Eddie from 10 years earlier. Information on Wayne, Katie, the Velvet Hammer, every person or place you’d touched since you’d been to town. Somehow you’d slipped through his fingertips, and oh god, how he had missed you. Being a part of your life and knowing what you were up to was a part of who he was now, and he’d been feeling lost without it.

He planned use his connections to get in with Chief Hopper and make sure your new biker boyfriend had the law down his throat around every turn. Why was it so much to ask for you to let him love you? Your house was a mess, your bed not even made. Nothing in your drawers had been folded. It was obvious that you needed him and missed him and just didn’t know how to ask. You had always been such a prideful, silly goose.

A girl named Shari was working the night shift at the motel when she noticed, not for the first time, how odd the guy who checked into room 11 was. Shari happened to be the old lady of a Coffin Kings member named Jester, and she would tell him all about it, including the make and color of the SUV he drove, over the phone when he called to check up on her that evening. Coincidentally, War Machine had just let everyone know to keep an eye out for a creep of the same description who was stalking his girl. Jester headed over to make sure Shari was okay and waited in the shadows near the truck stop on his chopper, watching the lights from the TV flicker in room 11, keeping an eye on this guy so he could follow if he took off. Keeping him in his crosshairs to see if he should take care of this guy himself before he passed the word on to Eddie.

PART 14

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#Eddie munson #Eddie munson series #I'm on Fire #Eddie Munson smut #biker!Eddie #biker!Steve #biker eddie munson #older!Eddie Munson #Stranger Things #90sau #steve harrington #Eddie Munson fanfic #Spotify

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ivesambrose · 9 months

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𝐕𝐞𝐧𝐮𝐬 𝐑𝐞𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐌𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐬 𝐅𝐨𝐫 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐢𝐠𝐧𝐬 💌

July 22 through September 3, 2023, Venus will be Retrograde in the sign of Leo ♌

Here's what you can expect instead of focusing on the generic 'return of exes'. It's highly likely you'll be revisiting some themes related to your childhood, self worth and individuality. Close some chapters with grace so you can start new ones inevitably.

The messages are for your Sidereal Signs (however, if you feel that it's applying to your natal placements more then you are free to consider that) Rising and Moon are mostly considered in your Sidereal, you may check your sun sign as well. 🧡

Aries : There will be a strong focus on your physical health. I sense that if you're not eating well and not putting quality food in your body most of the time and drinking enough water it'll start to show on your face. This can happen because you're too focused on work and travel so you can't really maintain your routine and in turn you find yourself being extra critical of yourself and your appearance. Please avoid doing so. You're doing the best you can do don't add more stress and let it pile up. Even if you're mindful of your eating, drinking and sleep habits at least 5/7 times a week it will help. Learn to go gentle on yourself. Additionally, you might reconnect with old friends you have lost touch with or a community you were once a part of or pick up an incomplete project and finish it.

Taurus : opportunities that come with ease , collaborations, doing something that empowers you. Thing is, you'll be feeling the urge to get a lot done and might push yourself to look for opportunities when the advice is to allow them to come to you, you'll know on your own. You might feel like you're in the spotlight and it can get overwhelming for some of you. But I'm getting you'll be getting recognition for your creativity, make new friends, connect with a lot of people and likey even guide them in some way. There is a prospect of foreign travel too. Your dreams however are gonna be pretty intense and symbolic so pay attention to them.

Gemini : Finding joy in making daily little rituals for yourself, be it a workout regimen, skincare routine, study routine etc you'll be logging them and romanticizing them even. You just want to look after yourself. Some of you want to party and have fun but only with close friends and siblings. You'll be reconnecting with your inner child, watching more culturally diverse movies or shows. You're inherently very curious this time around, you wanna connect with people but it might feel overstimulating almost so you'll focus back on your well being. You may spend money on health, art supplies or travels so keep that in check. You'll also realize that you've barely scratched the surface of your potential and you should give yourself a chance before shutting yourself out.

Cancer : Healing of generational trauma and release of guilt that you've been suppressing. If certain issues resurface it's time to put it down completely. I see most of these are related to your self esteem, self worth and maybe even your childhood to early teens. You'll find it in you to forgive because you simply don't feel the need to carry the weight with you anymore. There might be challenges when it comes to education, higher education, travel, personal or religious beliefs that might come up momentarily. Take this time to look back on how far you've come and the progress you've made. You're always expanding and sometimes growing can be painful but it's worth it in the end. Be sure to appreciate the beauty within and around you a little more, it'll add up till that's your go to thing to focus on.

Leo : You can easily make the best out of this retrograde regardless of whatever you experience. A lot of you can see an increase in finances through creative work or if you're in the entertainment industry. You might consider dropping something rigid for something that let's you stand out individually and is spontaneous in nature or is something you've always wanted to do as a child. It will bring you travels, possible relocation and a lot of success, it is highly likely that a lot of you might consider leaving your current location since it's not allowing you to have fun or is detering your health, speaking of which please take supplements for your bones as heart health, take it easy. You'll learn to shine on your own but also honor the ones who have been rooting for you since day 1 or you'll learn to distinguish between those who've always sought to dim your light and those who have pushed you to do better.

Virgo : You'll discover a lot about yourself, you'll discover new friends, communities, ideas and places. You'll have more faith in the unknown or will feel interested in the occult sciences. You'll want to tap into the unknown and hone your gifts. You'll find that your thoughts, visions and words are manifesting a little too quickly. You might push yourself to be overly active in pursuits of your goals but will find yourself slowing down, you'll have to slow down and let things unfold for you. It might feel like a tiring time physically, random body aches, urge to sleep and dream more, dreams being a little too vivid and premonitive to your liking. Please stay hydrated you may be prone to lightheadedness. The art you make or any work you put out now, whatever it may be, will be very transformative for you and will pave the way ahead. Don't try to force things, be in the knowing of ease. Difficult when you want to micro manage but this retrograde is asking you to be a little more whimsical to enjoy your journey.

Libra : Renewal comes for sure once you become mindful of the ways you self sabotage. You might feel tested since a lot of cycles are clearing out. You will realise a lot of your future planning aren't as what they seem and that you need to be more fluid than rigid and no amount of stubborness or latching on will help, it will only cause health issues and a feeling of existential dread. This can be avoided too. You will also feel the need to change your routine or rather this will happen automatically for your own bebefit. Avoid self pity and escapism. Try and spend time near water bodies (stay safe) or try water painting, yoga, evening walks and for those into ballet or contemporary dancing, let limbs stretch and go with the flow. It's okay for some structures to break so that something better can be made. It's okay to let go when time comes.

Scorpio : In the past if you've felt that you have missed out on a substantial opportunity that could have grown into something significant or you've almost received something only for it to be taken away to the point you have felt betrayed by it, this time around you're going to manifest something even bigger for yourself, it won't feel like scarps. You might have conflicts internally or with others but it will get solved. I see you wanting more harmony in your life and the connections which matter to you and you'll have it. Be less self critical of yourself in your pursuit of perfection be it in your work, health, routine or the you're of service to others. Avoid any heavy or big financial investments, let the money come to you first the bigger investments can wait. The more you enjoy the mundane things the easier life will flow. The quicker your desires will come to you.

Sagittarius : You haven't been nurturing yourself enough, so even if this means cooking yourself a hearty meal or treating yourself to one, please do so. Eat well and let yourself feel your feelings, it's okay. You might realize you have been looking out for others so much that you feel neglected. Open up to receiving the tenderness, time, compassion and love you deserve as well. Some of you might be concerned with the health of a mother figure in your life, it will be alright. I see likely more alternate type of treatments might be a little more beneficial (ayurvedic or homeopathic for eg.) You may feel nostalgic or a yearning for family or home. Emotionally, I sense you're guarded and don't want to let anyone in, take your time to heal and appreciate you for yourself and how far you've come, with that being said let yourself be appreciated too.

Capricorn : Allow endings to empower you. They have a beauty to it. Once you accept it you'll see the path ahead clearly if not, it will become overwhelming. You'll feel a calling to take a risk and might be something you've clearly never experienced and aren't used to but you feel beaconed to it. There will be fall out with people or people in authority, things might feel distruptive, don't make your mind your enemy. You will encounter someone very unlikely who will aid in your journey, meeting them will be very transformative, like they have the answers you've been seeking. You'll feel more spiritually inclined and open to learning, seeking, exploring especially esotericism, cultures and languages. You'll find your silver lining, it will be brighter than you expected.

Aquarius : Taking on the role of a leader in your life and not everyone or anyone else's. Change of perception and a genuine desire to seek something more sacred. You'll be healing wounds and patterns from your past relationships. You may want to become self sufficient and self reliant and find this empowering. If you've been suffering from any skin ailments it might aggravate only to remind you look after your hygiene, stay clean and look for any ingredient that maybe causing further issues. Once addressed, it will no longer be much of an issue. You may want to detach from social media and travel short distances instead. Relationship with siblings will also improve, spend time with them aswell if you've been neglecting them.

Pisces : Trusting your intuition more. Gaining wisdom and insight from unexpected places and unsual people. You can often sense what other's cannot, so if you feel you should read between the lines and look for synchronicities, you should listen to what your inner voice is saying. It's also very important for you to learn how to have proper boundaries with people, it's genuinely hampering your energy and well being especially if you're in public places a lot. Be mindful of people, not everyone has their best interests towards you. You will take up something you'll feel like a complete beginner at but if you stay disciplined you'll excel in it. Romance yourself and your life first and foremost, write, draw, scuplt, edit, cook, weave, scuplt etc if you must. For you, I wanna say practice makes perfect. You already know this, so trust me it's okay if you're not automatically good at something. Convey what your heart seeks, your sincerity will be rewarded

╚══ ≪ °❈° ≫ ══╝♡╚══ ≪ °❈° ≫ ══╝

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ichorai · 2 years

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blue jeans ; bucky barnes.

based on blue jeans - lana del rey !!

pairing ; bucky barnes x shield agent!gn!reader

synopsis ; four instances you managed to chip away at bucky's icy heart before he realized he was in love with you.

words ; 3.6k

themes ; fluff, action, slight angst, s2l/f2l, shield agent au

warnings / includes ; sparring in the first scene, mild injuries, mentions of death, alludes to insomnia/difficulty sleeping, tony throws a party, hints at steve/natasha, one sexual innuendo, bucky experiences *gasp* emotions, bucky doesn't understand references bcs he's older than your grandparents

a/n ; for @fairydxll's 2k writing event :D

main masterlist. set in the same universe as: to noise making.

blue jeans, white shirt walked into the room, you know you made my eyes burn it was like james dean, for sure you're so fresh to death and sick as ca-cancer

The first time you met Bucky, you were drenched in your own sweat, grunts of exertion falling from your lips as you ducked and rolled away from Natasha’s quick strikes. You were doing pretty well today, managing to evade her offensive strategies in your effort to get her to tire herself out. She was starting to get worn down, you could see it in the soft blue of her irises. The plan was working considerably until…

Well, until Bucky Barnes strode into the training room. Steve was by his side, wearing his Captain uniform, and you absentmindedly wondered if there was a mission you somehow managed to forget about.

Taking advantage of the distraction, Natasha jolted forward, landing a solid blow to your jaw, which made your head snap sharply to the side. She tackled you with a derisive huff, your body slamming firmly against the cushioned grounds of the sparring ring. Her knee hovered over you throat, and she tilted her head at you, a smirk curling at her mouth.

“Dead,” she said flippantly, before rolling off of you, clasping your hand to haul you back up.

The ceiling came into view as you rolled your eyes, despite the grin forming across your exerted features. Gingerly, you rubbed your sore jaw with a dark chuckle, shooting her a playful scowl. “I had that coming.”

“Nat,” Steve called out from across the room. The two of you turned to face the pair of super soldiers. The blonde sent you an apologetic look. “Sorry for interrupting, but could I borrow you for a second? It’s about what happened in Chicago.”

What happened in Chicago?

You sent Natasha a curious glance, but she only shook her head, as if to say I’ll tell you later.

She clapped your shoulder in good nature, before ducking underneath the sparring barriers, following Steve out the same way he came in.

That left just you and Bucky. You suddenly felt awkward, fiddling with the bandages over your knuckles. You’ve never come face to face with the Winter Soldier before. The most you’ve heard were stories and rumors that spread like wildfire through the compound. Some were quite outlandish, but you couldn’t help but listen. The man kept to himself, usually confined to his quarters or out on long, long classified missions with Steve or Sam. He was a mystery, and you prided yourself on being a rather good detective.

What you did know about him, was the fact that he was accredited to over a hundred kills during his time with Hydra. One of the most notorious killers of all time.

And he waved at you.

You had to blink twice before you realized that you had to respond in some way. Two fingers raised to your forehead as you awkwardly saluted him.

Jesus, he might’ve been from the forties, but really? Did you just salute him?

Despite your inner turmoil, a slight grin flitted over his lips.

Desperate to break the silence, you asked without thinking twice about it, “Do you… do you wanna spar?” If your muscles weren’t frozen in trepidation, you would’ve face palmed. You might’ve been a good fighter, but against the Bucky Barnes? You didn’t stand a chance. Sending him another furtive glance, it finally dawned on you that he was wearing jeans. “Oh, I mean, you don’t have to if you’re not dressed for it. I was—”

“Sure,” Bucky said, shrugging. “I’ve fought in worse.”

Damn it.

He strode closer, swinging onto the sparring platform.

Your heart was beating irregularly quickly, and you had to suck in a few deep breaths to steady your pulse.

Bucky raised his hands tentatively, and the two of you began circling each other. This close, you could see the deep blue of his eyes, the shadow of a stubble gracing his sharp jaw, the haunted bags beneath his eyes. There were small things you noticed about his stance. Bucky favored his right side, which was quite ironic, considering he had a vibranium left arm. Though he had a heavier build, he was expertly bouncing on the balls of his feet, ready to strike forward at any given second. But he was slightly drawn back, and that was how you knew he had no plans of going on the offensive any time soon.

Narrowing your eyes, you darted forward, swinging a hit to his face. To your expectation, he easily blocked your blow, moving to the side swiftly. You were quick to follow the hit with a kick to the chest, which he let you land, and he staggered backwards a couple paces.

He was going easy on you.

With clenched teeth, you drew forward and struck his side, followed by a roundhouse punch to his shoulder. The impact made him falter, so you hooked your foot over the crook of his knee and yanked him back, which made him fall back with a grunt.

There was a smile to his winded features. God damn it.

“You’re holding back on me,” you said, panting slightly, backing away from him. “Don’t think I didn’t notice.”

That pretty smile of his warbled subtly. “I’m sorry. Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. You wanna go again?”

“Nah,” you breathed out, clasping your hands together behind your head, stretching with a mild grimace. “I promised Tony I’d look over the mission debriefs. Think we could pick this up another time?”

Bucky pushed himself up from the ground, running his flesh hand through his close-cropped hair. Jesus Christ, could he just stop being attractive for one damned second?

“Sure. I’ll look forward to it.”

You nodded once. “It’s a date,” you said stoutly, before ducking beneath the sparring ring’s barrier and striding out of the training room with a heart that slammed far too erratically against your ribcage—and you highly doubted it was because of physical exertion.

you were sorta punk rock, i grew up on hip hop but you fit me better than my favorite sweater, and i know that love is mean (oh oh) and love hurts (oh oh) but I still remember that day we met in december, oh baby

It was late, and you definitely should’ve been sleeping by now.

But, alas, your eyes stayed open and your mind ran rampant with such horrid irrationalism that you tore the blankets away from you, clambered out of your bed in a rush, and strode out of your room as quietly as you possibly could. A quick glance to the clock hanging in the hallway told you that it was nearing three in the morning, and a heavy sigh fell from your lips. You shuffled towards the living room, curling into the corner of the plush sofa and turning on the television, placing it on the lowest volume so it wouldn’t awaken the others.

The screen cast a dull blue glow onto you, playing some old Christmas movie you couldn’t recall the name of, and you placed your head against the armrest, eyes hooded with fatigue.

Much to your surprise, Bucky came out not too long after, rubbing his own eyes sleepily. His hair was disheveled, sleep shirt stretched taut over the muscles of his torso.

“Sorry, did I wake you?” you winced, propping yourself up on one arm.

He was quick to shake his head. “No, no, it wasn’t you. Why’re you up?”

“I could ask you the same thing,” you replied cautiously.

The two of you stared at each other for a good minute before he shook his head with a hoarse chuckle, sitting himself down on the sofa, not too far away from you. Hesitance splayed over your features evidently, but you eased yourself back into the seat and turned your attention towards the television.

You fell asleep to the faint sound of Christmas music and the feeling of Bucky’s arms wrapping over you when your forehead accidentally landed onto his chest. Not that he minded much—he rather liked the way you fit perfectly into him.

The following morning, Tony was the first to stride out, pleasantly surprised to see the two of you sleeping on the couch peacefully, limbs entangled to no return. It was safe to say that he took enough pictures to blackmail the two of you for a lifetime.

i will love you 'til the end of time i would wait a million years promise you'll remember that you're mine baby, can you see through the tears?

Tony’s parties were a grand spectacle you had the joy of being invited to every year. He claimed it was because he thought you were a fun drunk, but you had a sneaking suspicion that Tony was starting to see you more and more as a close friend—though you presumed he wouldn’t ever admit it.

This year, you appeared in a dark, red velvet suit, crisp white button-up visible just beneath the jacket. The party was already in full swing, music reverberating pleasantly through the room and people milling about with wide smiles and flutes of golden champagne.

You weaved your way through, stopping to greet Natasha and Steve with a flourish, clapping the burly super soldier on the shoulder and bumping your fist playfully against the ex-red room assassin. The both of them wore a deep hue of green today, unintentionally coordinating outfits—even though they were quite the oblivious pair to one another’s feelings, you thought they’d be quite the attractive couple, both in the physical and metaphorical sense.

As Natasha recounted some story of the time Tony messed up one of her missions, your gaze drifted over to the bar, where you saw Sam and Bucky bickering quietly—the former having a wide grin splayed over his lips and the latter wearing a glowering scowl, carding his vibranium arm through his close-cropped hair. The action led you to notice that he had a small red ribbon tied around the metal limb, and you could feel an amused grin tilt at the corner of your glossed lips.

The party drew on—you were whisked away by a handful of your colleagues to play catch up just around a dozen times. It would be quite the understatement to say you were enjoying yourself. Thor’s boisterous laughter seemed to rumble the very ground, Clint challenged you to a game of ‘I bet you can’t flick this olive into that guy’s drink’, and Maria mixed up your drinks for you with surprising ease, sending you a wink when you asked for your fifth sugary beverage in a row. Tony had joined you at one point, nearly black-out drunk, and you had to prop your arm beneath his forehead before he could face-plant against the counter.

A lot happened in such a short span of time, you found yourself bee-lining for the balcony when you gulped down your sixth glass, in need of some fresh air. Outside, the music dampened to a faint echo of its volume inside, and the quiet warped over you like a cold blanket. You sighed in mild relief, rubbing at your sore cheeks gingerly—you weren’t used to smiling this much in just one night.

When the balcony doors squeaked as they gave way for someone else, you looked over your shoulder, eyebrows quirking upwards upon seeing none other than James Buchanan Barnes.

“I’m surprised to see you,” you said quietly. “Didn’t think parties were your forte.”

The suit he wore was a rich shade of navy blue, bringing out the juxtaposing lightness of his irises. That stubble you liked far more than you’d admit brought out the sharpness of his features, giving him a rough edge you knew countered with his tentative and soft personality. You glanced down at the red ribbon tied around his metal bicep, grinning gently.

“Sam forced me to come,” he replied dismissively, moving forward to stand next to you. Awkwardly, he cleared his throat—this close, you could see the subtle flush of rouge creep over his skin. “You look great. Really great.”

A warm sensation flooded your chest and your nose wrinkled as you looked towards him in muted delight. “You look good, too, Bucky. Blue really is your color.”

Bucky rather liked the way he could see the stars in your eyes.

After a considerably lengthy period of ponderous silence, you quietly asked, “Why haven’t you been let out for any public missions? It's all hidden underground stuff you do. You’re an Avenger like the rest of us.”

The fond smile that once graced his mouth melted away at an instant, replaced by the harsh framing of an uncomfortable slant. You immediately regretted asking the question, about to tell him that it was alright if he didn’t want to answer before he cut you to the chase and said, “You know why.”

Disappointment unfurled within your ribcage, like a roll of paper stretched taut. “Yeah. Yeah, I guess I do.” You weren’t quite sure what had come over you, so you wrapped your hand over the coldness of his vibranium wrist, clutching it tightly and watching him with keen eyes. “You don’t deserve any of this, for the record. I hope you know that, Bucky. You deserve the entire world and I hope people start to look past the actions of someone you were also a victim to.”

Bucky had so much he wanted to say, but the words were lodged in his throat. He found himself nodding to your words, allowing a meek smile to crack through his stony disposition. No more words needed to be said, and the two of you parted ways with the sort of comforting silence that could be shared with only people who’ve seen too much for a single lifetime.

love you more than those bitches before say you'll remember (oh baby) say you'll remember, oh baby ooh i will love you 'til the end of time

Rumors spread around the compound rather quickly. You had just come back from a rather rough mission, dropping your long-range firearms into the storage room when you heard two other agents gossiping feverishly in the corner. Knowing it was none of your business, you quickly put away your weapons and strode out, but you couldn’t help overhearing Bucky’s name being thrown out between the two. Curiosity getting the better of you, you pressed yourself against the wall and listened just enough for you to catch what they were discussing.

He went on a date. And not just any regular date. The first one in decades.

Blinking in mild shock, you made your way to your quarters, yearning to wash off all the blood and dirt that rendered your skin sticky and uncomfortable.

It wasn’t until the late hours of the night you bumped into the super soldier in the kitchen. You were washing your dirty dishes from a couple hours ago when you made dinner for yourself, sighing in annoyance at the dried leftovers that clung to the ceramics.

“What’s the point of living in a multimillion dollar compound if there’s no fancy tech to wash my dishes for me?” you hissed scathingly under your breath, using your shoulder to knock away a stray piece of hair that fell over your eyes. “Stupid broken dishwasher. Didn’t Tony say he’d get that looked at a week ago? Bet he completely forgot.”

Your grumbling was interrupted when you heard the fridge door open. Pivoting by the waist to see who it was, a string of colorful curses fell from your lips when soap suds dribbled from your arms and all over your shirt, iridescent bubbles now lining your pajamas.

“Seems like you’re having a bad day,” Bucky said from the fridge, now moving towards the cupboards to grab a glass for the carton of orange juice in his hands. “Can’t say I’m better off, though.”

“Yeah?” you asked with an amused edge, quickly turning back around to rinse off your soapy hands and dishes. Ripping off a kitchen towel to dab at the soap on your shirt, you glanced back up at him. “Heard you had a date.”

Bucky shifted uncomfortably. It was only then that you realized that he was still wearing a crisp suit—no doubt he had just come back fresh from his night out. “It, uhm, didn’t go so well.”

“Sorry to hear that, Bucky.” Sensing that he’d rather be talking about literally anything else, you nodded once and swiftly changed the subject. “I was just about to start a new show. You’re welcome to join if you’d like.”

The tired glint to his eyes seemed to wane away as he shot you a grateful beam. “That sounds amazing, honestly. I could use the distraction.”

It was certainly a strange sight—a SHIELD agent in a poorly-dried soapy shirt sitting beside one of the most famous ex-assassins in the world, who just so happened to be wearing a fancy date suit. You turned on the TV wordlessly, lips only faintly twitching upwards when he settled into his seat further, flesh arm coming round over the back of the couch to land over your shoulders, tugging you into his side.

“You are ridiculously wet right now,” he commented with all but a straight face, eyes flickering down to your still-damp shirt and hands, which made you snort unattractively.

“Gee, Bucky. Didn’t know we were at that stage yet.”

The super soldier appeared affronted for a moment at what you were implying before he quickly began backtracking, “I didn’t—I wasn’t—!”

“I know,” you chuckled, patting his knee consolingly. Then, you turned your attention back to the screen. “I hope you don’t mind animated shows.”

“You kidding me? I was a huge fan in the forties. Snow White was all the rage back then,” Bucky hummed, fingers flexing experimentally on your bicep. It took all you had in you not to preen with delight at how comfortable he was with physical touch with you, so you settled on tucking your knees up to your chest and shuffling even closer to him.

A brilliant smile spread over your features. “I love it when you talk about the forties. It’s like I’m looking through a window of your life before… before everything,” you said quietly before shifting about one last time to make yourself more comfortable.

The episode was brightly colorful, exuberant in both visuals and dialogue. He often found himself in awe at the wonderful animation and spectacular voice acting, enthralled whenever you made small comments on the plot—something he knew you were just doing to subtly check if he was enjoying himself as well.

One gripe he did have, however, was the fact that there were far too many jokes and references that Bucky couldn’t really understand. At first, he didn’t want to ask you because you seemed to be enjoying yourself—but after the first few, you seemed to realize that he wasn’t catching on and from then you’d pause the show to quickly explain some of the obscure pop culture references.

“Scooby Doo is a famous mystery show that was super big around the 80s and 90s,” you whispered over to him. “Just in case you didn’t know.”

Bucky could feel his heart lurch in its steady pace. He wasn’t entirely used to someone considering his own enjoyment in general—much less for something as mundane as watching a show. You were just so… nice. So nice that it left a yearning sort of ache within Bucky’s chest that he couldn’t exactly place.

“Thanks,” he hoarsely muttered and you only responded with a half-minded hum, hand somehow finding its way back to his knee.

God, you were going to be the death of him.

Eventually, the episode ended and the credits rolled by, the wind-chime music tinkling in the background as you stretched your limbs with a weak groan, followed by an audible yawn you hid behind a fist. You blinked away the sleepy tears and shot him a reluctant watery smile.

“I better call it a night. Got some meetings tomorrow I have to lead.” After a tentative pause, you tacked on, “It was really nice being with you tonight. I, uhm, I hope this took your mind off of things, even if it was temporary.”

The corner of his lips slanted upwards. “It was great, really. Do you think we could… do it again sometime?”

Oh, it was like you could feel your heart melting through the bones of your ribcage. “Yeah! Yeah, I’d love that!” you breathily said a little too quickly, and you cleared your throat in embarrassment. “I, uh—g’night, Bucky.”

Bucky couldn’t understand just how easy it was for you to suddenly lean over and press a chaste kiss to his cheek. Your lips brushed over his stubble, nose bumping softly against his cheekbone. He could smell you—lavender and dish soap infiltrating his senses. Nearly short circuiting, he remained as still as a statue, only forcing himself to lift a hand to stiffly wave goodbye when you promptly hauled yourself onto your feet, turned on the heel, and padded down the hall to your room. He watched you go with slightly parted lips accompanied by a longing stare.

Hours later, now retired into the privacy of his room, moonlight spilling white through the windows and onto the cold floors, Bucky could still feel the burning imprint of your lips on his skin. He wasn’t able to sleep for the rest of the night, plagued by nightdreams of how your smile would feel molded against his.

#rue's 2k #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky x reader #bucky fanfiction #marvel fanfiction #bucky barnes fluff #bucky fluff #bucky barnes angst #bucky angst #bucky barnes drabbles #bucky barnes imagines #bucky barnes scenarios #bucky drabbles #bucky imagines #bucky scenarios #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes oneshot

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harmoonix · 1 year

Text

Sweet Astrology Notes part II💕

Hey everyone i saw y'all liked the part one so much so i decided to make a second part of this too 💕💕

Part One:♡

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People with Sagittarius Moon are having one of the best Moon Placements because it makes them to be sooo optimistic and very jovial, is something very pure they have about their optimism and happiness. (Applying if Moon is in the 9th house or at Sagittarius Degrees 9°, 21°)

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Jupiter in Leo can give you a very charming and very attractive husband/spouse (If you are attracted to Men). A very passionate spouse too but be careful because they might have a big ego (This can apply if you have Leo in the 7th house)

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People with Leo Moon can give a very royal aura, they are having a very attractive personality

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People with Mercury in Pisces might enjoy reading about fairy - tales and Romantic Romans/books

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People with Ascendant - Lilith aspects can look very witchy and intimidating other people :0, a lot of eyes are on them

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People with Ascendant - Sun aspects are having a very good personality, like omg these people have a shining aura around them, mostly gold either yellow but they can shine always and wherever they go

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People with Mars - Pluto aspects can break you in bed either to break the bed with you. Send prayers for y'all's beds 💕

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People with Pluto - Neptune aspects radiate some powerful enchanting character, these people can feel very dreamy and mostly with cloud in heads but they are in their own unique world

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People with Gemini moon are so cute, i just wanna hug them all day, my friend has this moon placement and omg he is so cute i just wanna hug him all day long

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People with Jupiter in Virgo can attract a very practical and open minded husband/spouse, they can also give you a lot of affection 🥺omg so sweet y'all who have this Jupiter sign are lucky af

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Jupiter in 9th house might experience a lot of traveling, there are high chances you can met your spouse in a foreign country or to travel with your spouse a lot omg i love this palcement too/This can apply if you have Asteroid Juno (3) in the 9th house

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Mars in Pisces can give a Sirene vibe, a very high sensual and attractive placement, they can have a high drive in bed too, stay safe y'all and enjoy 💕

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Mars in Sagittarius can have a very curvy body either big thighs, either their body/silhouette is very attractive to others

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If asteroid Juno (3) makes an harmonious aspect with the Moon (Quintile, Bi-quintile, Sextile, Trine and conjunct might work too) your spouse can very emotional and needy of you, i swear Juno - Moon aspects are one of the best aspects to have you are lucky if you have them. Your spouse might take care of you a lot too

If it makes an harsh aspect (Semi square, Square, Opposition, Conjunction can apply too,) the spouse can have a very hard time to be emotional or it might be hard for them to open themselves 🥺 these people do really deserve a big hug, it can be very hard for them to open their feelings.

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Moon in Cancer can be overprotective to their family members and friends, tho they don't do it to harm others, they are just protective of their loved ones

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Neptune in Scorpio Degrees (8°, 20°) can make someone to fantasize a lot about erotic things either can be very horny and to think at that all day long

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Neptune in Aries Degrees (1°, 13°, 25°) can make someone very confident about their dreams, about their future they have a strong confidence esteem

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If you have the Moon at Cancer Degrees (4°, 16°, 28°) you can have a very good connection with your mom, a very powerful one. But if you have these degrees in your moon and you don't have a good connection with your mom, then your ancestors could have a good connection with you instead, you can communicate with them trough your dreams

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Lilith in Cancer and Leo or Lilith at (4°,5°,16° 17°, 28°, 29° degrees, Lilith in 4th or 5th house,Lilith making an aspect with the sun or moon) these energies in Lilith can give a very powerful magnetism, because are the energies of Moon and Sun in Lilith. And Lilith can feel very powerful in the luminaries

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Can we talk about how Pisces Rising have been blessed with such pretty eyes? I swear these people have such pretty eyes 👀😱

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If you have your Ascendant at a Virgo Degree (6°,18°)these people have been blessed with very pretty physical appearance by the Virgo herself

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Capricorn Rising people were made to be famous, to be models, to be A tier in the top, to be very great leaders

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Lilith In Gemini/3rd house or at a Gemini degree (3°, 15°, 27°) either aspecting Mercury, they like dirty talk a lot + flirting combinations

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If you want someone who can flirt with you all day i suggest to date people with Venus in Scorpio/Aries/Capricorn/Taurus/Libra, they really know how do it. Experts

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Mars - Sun aspects 🔥 have a very dominant energy towards others, they wanna feel that their the dominants

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Jupiter in 8th house people might experience a good sex life, Jupiter expands everything soooo, there you go natives with these placements gonna enjoy a lot 🔥👀

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Venus in the 8th house are gonna experience some good things too y'all this is also a very passional house, maybe more love than before especially if you had your Venue Return 👀💥

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Venus in the 6th house will always take that "Caring" before and after making love because it's very important for them to feel good and to take care of their partners , i feel like they would hug you all day after making it.

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People with strong Lilith and Pluto placements 😍😍😍 you just know they gonna destroy you

People with with Jupiter and Mars aspects are gonna go for more rounds, more than usual they have a very high libido 💥

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People with Midheaven - Sun aspects are very liked by everyone around them, the same goes for people with Venus and Midheaven aspects they just are on everyone likes 😍

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moonligsposts · 3 months

Text

Dean Winchester x Reader

Not a boring life

«Are you listening to me? Dean.» Castiel puts his hand on my shoulder .

«I was thinking… you can read minds, don’t you?» Castiel looks at me.

«Yes, I can. Why?»

«The son of a bitch of that fucking angel made me see a reality in 6 years from now and… Sam had become his vassal, and Y/n was with him. They were, I mean… together. Besides, the devil told me I would lose her because he offered her something I can never give her. I know there’s a chance he’ll take Sam, but her?»

In my mind, I relive that damn moment a hundred of times: Sam, who isn’t Sammy anymore, possessed by the devil and Y/n who is at his side and he caressed her! That drives me crazy.

«So?» Castiel asks.

«Read Y/n’s mind, see if you can find something that she has lost or someone. Maybe she desires something more than anything.»

«Wouldn’t be better if you ask her?»

«Wouldn’t be better if you do what I asked you and don’t say a thing?!» he nods and disappears.

2 minutes later

«Done.»

«Oh, you’re already back.» I lean against the wall.

«So, what is her biggest secret?» I say funny but Castiel looks at me with a serious, too much seriousness, face.

«She lost her family: her dad died of a cancer when she was young and then her mother and her brother died in a car accident five years ago.» He tells me the story, and I see in his eyes the sadness.

«is there anything else? Why do you have that face?»

« I saw her feeling, Dean. It was distressing to see her memories, devastating to live them I guess. Besides it was hard to find those memories, it was like she erased them. She was alone most the time of her life. A child growing up too fast. But when she lost her mom and her brother in a car accident, she was in the car but she survived. She spent months to recovery, she wanted die with them...»

«She wanted to die? Why she didn’t tell me nothing?»

«Calm yourself, Dean, she has her reasons.»

«Yeah, and she can talk to me! I could help her.»

«Don’t you understand, Dean? She can’t even think about it… losing before her father, then all the rest of her family. Y/n just wants…»

«What?» Castiel and I turn around and see Y/n at the door. She just looked at Castiel, though.

«Cass, say that is not what I’m thinking…» Cass looks down at his feet.

«Why did you do that?» Her eyes begin to fill with tears.

«I’m sorry, Y/n…» Cass says.

«Why did you do that? Why are you talking to him about it?» Her breath becomes irregular. I approach her, but she immediately backs up.

«I wanna an answer Cass! Why did you do that?» Y/n yells at him. Cass’s embarrassment is evident.

«I asked him to do that.» as I said that she slowly turns to me.

«Why…?» I try again to get close to her, but she still backs up.

«That was my life! I had to be the one to tell you that not an angel who can reads minds! Why did you do that?» Y/n yells at me preventing me from approaching her.

«Baby, I asked Cass to do that because I need to know why you in 6 years, you would’ve said yes to the devil… the fucking angel made me see a reality, in 6 years from now, where you and Sam were with Lucifer and I realised I have to make things work differently…»

«Why didn’t you ask me, first?» i try to approach her again but she won’t let me touch her.

«Honey, why didn’t you tell me that? I could help you. I love you, I’m sorry for what you had to live through.»

But these words don’t calm her down, they make her more nervous.

«Yes? What would you have done? Take them back? That is impossible, and all I want is to forget! Forget about everything that has happened to me before this life with you! Sorry for not telling you anything that happens on this or whatever happen before that we met but I can’t…» she makes a pause, then say

«But you didn’t have the right to steal my secrets.» When she finishes talking, she turns and leaves the room.

«Oh, maybe you, Cass, could read my mind so you’ll explain to your friend how I feel right now. Steal this from me too.» She says defiantly to Castiel.

Now I feel guilty for both her and Cass too.

«Y/n, please listen to me…»

«LEAVE ME ALONE!I always respect the fact that you didn’t wanna talk about what fucking happened in the hell and I was okay with that! I never said nothing even when you didn’t wanna explain why you were sad or angry or whatever. Why can’t you do the same with me? Or maybe you could ask me instead…»

«Come on, love, lemme explain…»

«Yeah, no. The only thing that I wanna do is run away from here. Before you destroy everything, with you I never think about that! But you have to know, right? All that matters was that you know.

Don’t follow me, I hate you right now and I don’t wanna even see you.»

These words strike me deeply... but it is true, I never told her what had happened in hell or the shit life I had before meeting her. Yet, she was always by my side when all I needed was a hug.

The sound of the door closing makes me lose my mind.

«Sorry Cass… »I say quickly and I go to the room. Y/n's voice is the only thing I can hear when I look in the mirror and see myself.

I punch the mirror, hurting my hand, then

I throw the TV and lampshades on the ground. Then I take the chair and split it on the dresser...

After completely destroying the room, I sit on the floor leaning against the wall, covering my face with my hands.

I’m tired of always trying to do the right thing to protect the people I love but, no matter what I do, everything has to fuck up!

Every fucking time!

Y/n’s pov

After running until my feet begged me to stop, I sat by a lake.

Dean didn’t have to do this to me, he didn’t have to steal my thoughts. And yet it’s his style. Getting what he wants by any means...

After the last double funeral, I walked out of that house and vowed never to return. All my life, forgetting was the antidote to everything that hurt me.

But even if I try, I can’t forget, and every time these thoughts come back, I get lost.

One year after my mother and brother died, Dean came along, like a bolt from the blue. And damn me falling in love with him... of him, of the life that appeared in front me, of Sam, of hunting.

Not a boring life.

Maybe I exaggerated... the words I said to him definitely hurt him. I pick up the phone and find a message from Dean.

“I’m sorry, I know I fucked up, I know, but please before everything talk to me. Love you.”

I don’t answer the message, but I get up and go back.

I open the front door and go to the kitchen where the light is on.

«It’s very late.» Dean says.

«I’m sorry, I…» as soon as I start talking he turns to me. I see his bloody hands.

«What happen?» This time, I’m getting close to him.

«I’m sorry. I lost my mind. Look Yn, I’m really sorry. But all I wanted to do was keep you safe from Lucifer and I need to know why you would’ve chosen him.»

«I never would choose him.»

«He would promise you to take them back.»Seeing his shiny eyes saddens me and, even all he does, the only thing I wanna do is kiss him.

«This is impossible. And even if this is possible in a certain demoniac way, I don’t care: they are dead and I know that pretty well.»

I love you, Y/n. » Dean smiles and continues

«I know that I love you, sweetheart. I loved you since the first time I saw you. Every time I'm with him, I find myself forgetting all the pain I've endured when we look into each other's eyes.

«Can I touch you? » Dean asks me.

«You have to.» I find myself in his arms in a flash.

«I love you, Dean.» I hear his laugh in my ears. He takes me in his arms and rests me on the kitchen counter, I gird his life with my legs.

«You don’t know how much I love you, Y/n.» He says as he kisses my neck and my hands caress his hair.

«I’m yours…» Dean says.

«And I’m yours, Dean.»

«Say it again, I think I could come.»

«Just like this? I didn’t even touch you there…» He lifts his head from the hollow of my neck and takes my face in his hands.

«You don’t need to touch me to turn me on.» I smile and kiss him on his beautiful lips.

This is all I need to make me feel alive...

#supernatural #snp #dean winchester #sam winchester #dean winchester x reader #protective!dean winchester #dean x you #castiel #sam and dean #jensen ackles #supernatural imagine #dean x reader #dean winchester imagine #dean x y/n #the winchester brothers

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steddieas-shegoes · 1 year

Text

Chapter 10

Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5 / Chapter 6 / Chapter 7 / Chapter 8 / Chapter 9

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There wasn’t much Steve was sure of.

His parents disappointing him was on the list though.

Eddie didn’t make him talk on the way to his house, he didn’t make him talk as they ate their reheated pizza, and he didn’t make him talk while they put leftovers away and cleaned their dishes.

But when Eddie pulled him towards his bathroom with the intent to shower together, he brought it up.

“You know why I like taking long showers at the end of the day?”

“Why?”

“Because it’s a chance to wash away the bad parts of the day. Sometimes I even say them out loud so they aren’t stuck inside anymore.”

“You’re starting to sound like a guidance counselor,” Steve said, a small smile on his face despite the fact that he knew Eddie would expect him to talk about what happened earlier.

“I think you’re rubbing off on me,” Eddie teased.

“I wish I was,” Steve teased back, throwing an exaggerated wink his way.

Eddie let out a loud laugh, his hands finding Steve’s waist naturally as his eyes closed and he leaned his head back.

“Wanna talk in the shower?”

“I don’t really want to, but I know you’re gonna make me,” Steve sighed.

“Hey,” Eddie squeezed his sides, making him focus. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. But I know it will help if you do, and I want you to know you can. Anything you need, sunshine.”

Steve knew that, in theory. But he still couldn’t be certain that Eddie wouldn’t run the moment he was too honest. And that’s what this would require.

“I want to tell you, I do,” Steve started. “I just don’t know where to begin or if you even want to know half the shit that doesn’t even matter anymore.”

“If it’s something you still think about and it still bothers you, it does matter, love.”

Steve blushed at the name, always thrown off balance when Eddie introduced a new one.

Eddie searched his face and finally settled on his eyes, looking between them like he was gauging how far he was going to push on this.

“Let’s get in the shower and relax for a minute,” Eddie suggested, turning to start the water and get it to the right temperature.

Steve stripped down quickly, not wanting to wait another minute to be skin to skin with Eddie.

“Let me know if that’s a good temp, sweetheart,” Eddie said as he scooted away from the shower and started stripping his own clothes off.

Steve did as he was asked, quickly stepping in when he felt how perfectly warm and steamy it already was.

Eddie laughed when Steve let out a groan of satisfaction as the water streamed down his back, the stress of the day falling away.

Maybe there was something to what Eddie said about washing away the bad.

Eddie was joining him ten seconds later, pulling him into his chest and guiding his head to his shoulder.

Steve knew he had to talk.

“I guess I’ll just start with what happened today. Is that okay?”

“Anything you wanna tell me is okay, love.”

Eddie’s hands were running up and down his back, the hot water falling down his back.

“My dad called me. He said my mom’s sick. Cancer. They think she’ll be okay after treatment, but there’s always a risk.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. When will she start treatment?”

“I don’t know,” Steve sighed. “I have to call her. My relationship with them…it’s complicated.”

“I gathered as much,” Eddie said with a kiss against the top of his head. “Lean your head back, sunshine. I’ll start washing your hair.”

How could Steve possibly say no to that?

He leaned his head back enough to get it wet as he spoke.

“They were never great parents. I mean, I think my mom tried when I was little. She stayed home with me at least, but she never really did mom things. Like we never played together, she never read to me at bedtime, nothing you’d expect a mom to do. She only put me in sports so she could talk to the other rich moms.” Steve sighed as Eddie’s fingers gently moved through his hair. “And then when I turned 10, it was like she’d been counting down the days for me to be able to handle myself.”

Eddie’s hands froze.

“You stayed by yourself? Like after school?”

“Always. I mean my mom would never let me ride the bus because people like us weren’t supposed to or whatever. She had another mom in the neighborhood pick me up from school and drop me off at home. But I was alone 90% of the time. My mom went on work trips with my dad because she didn’t trust him. She was convinced he was having an affair with one of his partner’s wives, that the daughter she had when I was eight was actually his. And I wouldn’t put it past him honestly.”

“Jesus, that’s a lot.”

“That’s barely the beginning,” Steve snorted. “My dad was rarely home, which was probably a good thing. Anytime he came home he spent the entire time letting me know how much I let him down and how useless I was. How stupid I was for different things. Stupid at school, stupid with my friends, stupid at golf and basketball, stupid with my chores. The less he was home, the better.”

“Sweetheart, I’m so sorry. You didn’t ever deserve that.”

“Yeah, I guess I finally started to learn that when I graduated high school. I didn’t get into the colleges he expected me to and I was fine with it. We got into a big argument. He punched me, I blacked out, when I woke up, my mom was begging me not to get the cops involved, and I left. The car was in my name, I had three years’ worth of pity money my mom sent me, and a trust fund that I had access to the day I turned 18. I stayed with my girlfriend at the time for a few weeks and then found the apartment I’m in now, started community college, and didn’t talk to either of them for a while. My mom calls on my birthday and Christmas every year, but other than that, today was my first time hearing from my father since he punched me.”

Eddie had been scrubbing shampoo in his hair through everything, gently scratching at his scalp and running his fingers down through the ends of his hair. It helped keep him focused, calm, present.

He’d never said any of this to anyone except Robin, and she had to practically beg for him to talk about it.

With Eddie it was easy.

“I could kill him.”

Steve snorted.

“It wasn’t a big deal. I got a minor concussion, but it was kind of the final straw. I’m not sure I would’ve been brave enough to leave without him doing that.”

“I’m glad you left, but I wish you could have without that happening. They never deserved you.”

Steve didn’t expect the sob that exploded from him. He thought he was doing great, getting through the worst of it somewhat detached, letting himself ignore the hurt that still welled up when he talked about it.

Eddie’s hands moved to cup his cheeks, a surprisingly firm grip keeping Steve from being able to pull away.

“My love, you never deserved their neglect or abuse. Not as a child, not as a teenager, and not as an adult. You should have been given support and love, they should’ve been there for you, and you should’ve been able to find happiness your whole life.”

“Eds…” Steve began, but Eddie quickly stopped him.

“You feel conflicted about your mom, don’t you?”

Steve nodded slowly, sniffling as Eddie leaned his head back to rinse the shampoo from his hair.

“I felt that way about my dad. I never knew my mom, she died when I was a few months old from an overdose. My dad wasn’t a good dad, barely even a good human most of the time, but I think he loved me the only way he knew how. He never held down a job for more than a few weeks, always turned to selling drugs or robbery, even did a few jobs for the fucking mafia to make some money. Could always tell when he’d done that because we had steak for dinner,” Eddie snorted. “By the time I was 11, he’d landed himself in prison and my only option was living with my Uncle Wayne. When I got there, he treated me like royalty compared to my dad. I mean, my own bedroom, three meals a day, my favorite snacks for after school, new school supplies every year. Don’t get me wrong, we struggled. He had to work more than he should’ve just to get me the basics, but he loved me. And even when my dad got out on good behavior when I was 17, I stayed with Wayne.”

Steve had calmed down while Eddie spoke and rinsed his hair, his voice quiet and smooth, like honey on a spoon with medicine. Delivering his sympathy with a sweetness, in a way Steve hadn’t expected to help.

“Do you talk to your dad?” Steve couldn’t help but ask.

“Rarely. Sometimes he bugs Wayne for money, but he knows better than to ask me. He did it once when he found out I was doing well for myself. Asked if I could spot him first month’s rent on a place and I said the only way I’d do that is if he worked it off at my shop cleaning every night for a month. He said as his son I should just want to help with no requirements, so I hung up. Don’t even know if he’s living in an apartment or a car or couch surfing at this point. I just know he calls a couple times a year randomly to let me know he isn’t back in prison.”

“I’m sorry, baby. You deserved better than that.”

“I know. But I got better with Wayne. He’s my mom’s brother, so he told me all kinds of stories about what they got up to growing up. He said she was good, but let my dad get her hooked on the wrong things, and nothing, not even me, could pull her out.”

“Do you forgive her?”

It was a question he was asked in therapy a lot. It was even something he asked his students in certain situations. Something that didn’t always bring closure, but allowed people to heal enough to move on.

“I do. I don’t think I could forgive my dad in this lifetime, but I forgave her years ago. She was in a bad position and didn’t know how to get out. I can’t say I would’ve done any better in her shoes.”

“That’s really mature of you.”

“It’s just how it is.” Eddie pulled him close for a kiss on his lips. “But that doesn’t mean you have to ever forgive your parents.”

Steve knew that. He’d had therapists tell him that, Robin told him that, he just knew. But something about the way Eddie said it, the way he had a shitty parent and knew exactly how difficult it was to see the struggle of forgiving to let go and just letting go, it made Steve feel like he finally understood.

The rules did apply to him. He didn’t have to forgive them to prove that he understood psychology. He didn’t have to forgive them to accept that his relationship with them sucks and it won’t get better. He didn’t have to forgive them to still be sad that his mom was sick.

He could feel the conflicting emotions together, and Eddie would be here to hold him through them.

“I love you,” Steve whispered, leaning back in to press his lips to Eddie’s neck.

“I love you, too,” Eddie said back, letting his head fall backwards as Steve continued kissing down to his collarbone.

He pulled skin between his teeth, smirking when he felt Eddie’s cock hardening against his hip.

“Killing me, sunshine,” Eddie moaned.

“Wanna get you clean.”

“With your mouth? I’m not sure that’s gonna accomplish what you think it will.”

Eddie’s hands reached down his back, over his ass, squeezing and pulling his cheeks apart as water continued to run down them both.

“I wanna taste you,” Eddie said suddenly, like the thought had maybe just occurred to him that he could.

Steve froze.

“You wanna…”

“Taste you. Can I?”

“Yeah,” Steve nodded, doing his best to control his excitement and arousal so he could last more than 10 seconds.

But then Eddie smirked and turned him around so his back was facing him.

“Uh. What?”

“Hands on the wall and legs spread, sweet thing.”

It hit Steve like a freight train. Eddie was going to eat him out. In the shower.

He had eaten plenty of people out, women and men alike. He loved doing it, loved the way it brought out more whimpers and moans than just fingers.

But no one had ever returned the favor.

He’d had plenty of blowjobs. Like, probably more than average, actually. Especially in his school before he met Nancy.

But he’d never felt comfortable with anyone being that up close and personal with his asshole.

He was comfortable with Eddie, though. He trusted Eddie with everything, and he knew no matter what, Eddie would make this incredible.

So he put his hands on the shower wall in front of him, spread his legs out enough to feel some of the water dripping between his ass, and looked over his shoulder at Eddie.

“Is this good, sir?”

Eddie growled, which was a better reaction than Steve had expected.

He turned his head back to the wall when Eddie dropped to his knees behind him, his hands instantly cupping Steve’s ass and spreading it so his asshole was completely exposed.

“Fuck, it’s good. You’re so good, sweet thing.”

His mouth was leaving a trail of kisses down his lower back, each ass cheek, and then finally, finally Eddie’s tongue was licking a broad stripe over his hole.

Steve gasped at the feeling.

“Wanna hear you, sweetheart. Wanna hear what my tongue does to you,” Eddie said before diving back in.

Eddie wanted to hear him? Fine. He could shut off the filter.

He let out a whine when Eddie’s tongue started slowly moving up and down over his hole, spit dripping down and joining the constant fall of water.

Steve couldn’t grip anything against the wall, and his hands kept slipping as Eddie started licking faster, his tongue pushing just past his entrance every few licks, making him jump.

“Need-“ Steve started to say before Eddie’s hand smacked his ass.

“I know what you need, sweet thing. Get all the way against the wall.”

Steve did, hissing at how cold it was despite the warmth of the water.

“Stay there. If you need to cum you say please.”

“Yes, sir.”

Eddie’s tongue was licking over his hole as soon as he answered, pushing through the tight ring and making Steve’s head fall forward to rest against the wall.

His cock was trapped between his stomach and the wall, the cold touch just enough to keep his orgasm at bay. Even with the cold, he had to bite his lip and clench his fists to resist rutting against the wall and Eddie’s tongue.

He knew Eddie didn’t want him to move, and he wanted to be good.

He felt Eddie’s finger push in next to his tongue and his knees nearly gave out at the slight burn and then relief as it stretched him enough for Eddie’s tongue to slide further in.

“Yes, yes, yes, yes,” Steve repeated, pleasure wracking through him as Eddie’s finger pushed in and out, curling just right on every thrust inside.

Eddie pulled his face away, but kept his finger moving in and out, getting deeper without his tongue in the way.

“Being a slut, aren’t you, sweet thing? So needy.”

Steve knew they discussed it, but the reaction he had to being called a slut was not what he pictured before.

He felt his stomach clench, his balls pulling in tight to his body.

“Please. Please sir, please.”

“Mhm. That’s my sweet slut, begging for permission,” Eddie’s finger pulled out, but only long enough to slip two fingers in. “If you wanna cum, it’s gonna be on my tongue only. You understand?”

“Yes, sir,” Steve whined, wishing Eddie would get his tongue back on him, in him, wherever.

“Color?”

“Green, please, please,” Steve continued to beg, not even sure what he was begging for at this point, past the point of processing the pleasure he was feeling.

“So pretty when you beg. Can’t believe how tight you are. You a virgin, sweet thing?”

God, it’s like every word out of Eddie’s mouth went straight to Steve’s cock.

He could feel it pulsing, his heartbeat so loud in his chest, it felt like he could hear it echoing off the shower walls. Maybe it was.

He was certain Eddie could feel it in his fingers buried deep inside Steve, feel the way the blood was all flowing to his cock, rushing there to make sure it was all he could think about.

“Not a virgin,” Steve mumbled out, his lips dragging against the wall as he tried to use all his energy to hold himself up.

“No? You just stay this tight for everyone then?”

“Mhm.”

Eddie slapped his ass again, this time on the other side, harder. Probably hard enough to leave a red mark. Maybe it would bruise.

Steve moaned at the thought.

“You want my tongue again, sweet thing?”

“Need it, need it please.”

And Eddie must have needed it too, because he withdrew his fingers and replaced them with his tongue as quickly as possible.

His tongue was long, not quite long enough to reach where his fingers did, but long enough to keep him on the edge.

All it would take was one more thing, one more sensation.

And Eddie knew it.

He gave the back of his thigh a hard slap, and that was it.

“Please, please, please,” Steve said as he banged a hand against the wall.

Eddie tapped him once on the leg.

Green.

Steve came, release splattering against the shower wall and his stomach, his cock instantly sensitive after his second orgasm of the evening.

Eddie kept pushing his tongue in and out for a moment, but then stopped and slowly pulled away.

Steve couldn’t stand anymore. His knees were buckling and Eddie’s arms caught him before he could collapse all the way.

“Okay, sweet thing?”

Steve nodded, unable to speak.

Eddie guided his head to his shoulder, pressing a kiss to his temple.

“Let’s rinse you off and go to bed, okay?”

“‘Bout you?”

“You think I didn’t finish the moment your pretty little hole clenched around my tongue, sweet thing?”

Steve whined, the visual making a new home in his brain.

Eddie helped him back up, helped him wash off the remains of his release, then shut the water off.

He got out first, helping Steve out and quickly wrapping him in a towel.

“Doing okay?”

“Mhm. Thank you, baby,” Steve said, leaning in to get a kiss from Eddie.

“Let me brush my teeth first, my love.”

The second Eddie was done brushing his teeth, Steve’s mouth was on his, licking into it, tasting his teeth, his tongue.

“Love you.”

Eddie grinned, their kiss naturally breaking when he couldn’t stop smiling.

“Love you more, sunshine,” Eddie said as he patted his ass under the towel. “Let’s get to bed.”

—————

When Steve’s alarm went off, he was cold.

But he fell asleep with Eddie, so why was he cold?

He opened his eyes, reached over to shut off the alarm on his phone, and frowned.

The bed next to him was empty, and it was cold enough that it had to have been for a while.

Steve frowned to himself, his brows drawing down and his lip pouting out.

He pulled the blanket over himself and huffed out a sigh.

If he wanted to wake up alone, he would stay at his apartment.

He was lost in thoughts of being lonely when he felt warm hands on his face.

“Sorry, sunshine. Chrissy called and I didn’t wanna wake you up before your alarm.”

“Don’t wanna be alone,” Steve pouted.

He knew he was being ridiculous, but he didn’t like waking up without Eddie by his side.

“Sunshine, I’m right here,” Eddie smirked.

Steve didn’t like that tone. Like he was making fun of him silently.

Robin did it sometimes, too.

He turned away from where Eddie was kneeling by the side of the bed, pulling the blanket over his head.

“Stevie, c’mon.”

He felt Eddie’s side of the bed dip, and the blankets lift, but he burrowed his head under his pillow so Eddie wouldn’t try to kiss him out of his mood.

“Sweetheart, Chrissy called to see if I could check on her car tire. She said the low pressure light came on on her way to work and she doesn’t wanna drive home without it being looked at.”

“Should’ve woke me up.”

“Look at me, sweetheart.”

“No.”

“Are you being a brat?”

“No.”

“It sounds like you’re being a brat.”

Steve pulled his head out from under the pillow to pout at Eddie.

“I’m not a brat. Just mad.”

“Mad because I wasn’t in bed when you got up?”

Steve nodded.

“I’m sorry, sunshine. That’s probably gonna happen sometimes. Do you want me to wake you up next time?”

Steve nodded.

“Alright if that’s what you want,” Eddie smiled softly at him. “Can I get a kiss now or are you still upset?”

Steve sighed.

He was not happy about being awake, or how he woke up alone, but he did want a kiss. Maybe more than one.

He burrowed into Eddie, keeping his head back so he could kiss him, morning breath be damned.

“You wanna get up so we can get to your car at the shop?”

“Fuck. Forgot it was there.”

After the tattoo last night, and the visit to space, and then the shower, he’d kind of forgotten how to function at all, let alone that Eddie had driven him here.

“If you drive me to work, we can spend more time in bed,” Steve tried to convince Eddie.

“You’re insatiable, sweet thing,” Eddie smirked at him, but Steve could tell he was giving in.

“Just for you, always only for you,” Steve said.

He was being a little manipulative, but he meant every word.

He didn’t want to leave this bed, and after last night, he didn’t want Eddie to ever stop touching him. He wanted Eddie inside him, he wanted him to live everywhere, not just his heart.

“Want you,” Steve whined, pouting his bottom lip out again.

Eddie reached out and poked it with his finger, like he always did when Steve was being a bit bratty, and smiled.

“Sweetheart, we don’t have time to do the things I wanna do to you. It’s almost the weekend, and I only have a couple appointments, so I’ll be able to make sure you get me in any way you want me.”

“Promise?”

Eddie kissed him, lips soft but demanding, opening his mouth so his tongue could be inside.

Steve moaned around his tongue, his thoughts drifting to when his tongue was a lot lower the night before.

“Promise, my love.”

“Like when you call me nice things,” Steve sighed against his chest, letting himself enjoy the warmth and comfort before he had to get up.

“Yeah? You like being sunshine? My sweetheart? My sweet thing?” Eddie paused between each question to kiss him, causing him to giggle. But he paused and grinned at him. “What about when I call you other things? My slut?”

Steve reacted much like he did the night before.

“Like that too,” Steve managed to say as he felt Eddie moving his hand lower, lower, lower until it rested against the waistband of his boxers. “Like being your slut, sir.”

“Fuck me, sweet thing. The things I wanna do…” Eddie leaned down to suck a bruise into his neck, but then popped his head up. “Your tattoo! We gotta put some stuff on it.”

“My…Oh! Shit!”

Steve had genuinely forgotten about his new tattoo. Robin was going to kill him.

“C’mon, let me get it clean and moisturized and then you need to get ready for work.”

“Fine, but you owe me the best fuck of my life,” Steve said casually.

“Oh, sunshine. It’ll be the first of many best fucks of your life,” Eddie said as he pulled the blankets off of them.

Steve had a feeling he wasn’t exaggerating.

What did he get himself into?

—————

He decided to FaceTime Robin on his lunch break, just in case she wasn’t home when he got home after work.

He wanted her to see the tattoo before it reached the peeling stage and he was pretty sure he’d be spending the next few nights with Eddie.

She answered quickly, but she was…was she…

“Are you in the shower?”

“Are you judging me? Bold of you to do so when I heard through the grapevine that you fucked on our couch. Our couch, Steve.”

“That’s unrelated to you answering while in the shower. No offense, but I’ve seen your boobies more than enough.”

Robin rolled her eyes and leaned back to rinse the shampoo out of her hair.

“Sooooo. You’re in love.”

She said it so certainly, like she knew that he couldn’t possibly avoid it or deny it.

“Robs, you have no idea.”

She stopped mid-rinse and looked at him through the phone.

“Tell me.”

“He’s just. He understands me without me having to tell him things, but then I do tell him things. Like I told him about my parents! And I wasn’t even that scared.” Steve sighed. “He’s more than I ever imagined for myself, but I want to deserve him. I want to keep him.”

“Steve, you deserve to be the happiest. I think Eddie makes you so incredibly happy.” She turned to rinse some soap off her face before turning back to him. “He apparently talks about you nonstop with Chrissy.”

“Yeah, so explain that to me. Break that down into detail.”

Steve was smirking as Robin stuttered and shook her head.

“Nothing to explain. We’re being super casual right now.”

“Uh huh.”

“We just text a lot and I slept over at hers.”

“Uh huh.”

“She’s just really good at making me feel comfortable with like talking and touching and stuff.”

“Uh huh.”

“And she just seems to get me! Like even the first time a couple years ago, she just knew exactly what I needed.”

“Robin, it kinda sounds like you’re on your way to being in love, too.”

Steve was so happy for her. He was happy for Chrissy even though he barely knew her.

He was a little nervous about how that all would play out, but he figured Robin and Chrissy were the type of people who could just avoid each other if they had to for Steve and Eddie’s sake.

“I don’t know. I mean I do like her a lot, and I think maybe she likes me a lot, but she isn’t looking for anything serious and like, professionally she’s with other people sometimes. And like, I’m not against it, you know I’m not, I just don’t know how I’d handle the jealousy.”

“Okay, then you can burn that bridge when you get to it.”

“Steve, you know the term is cross that bridge when you get to it.”

“Yeah, but you may also have to burn it.”

“Hopefully not.”

“Hopefully not,” Steve agreed. “I did call for an actual reason.”

“Oh you mean it wasn’t to lament about Eddie’s dick and see my boobies?”

“Not today.” Steve unbuttoned the top three buttons on his shirt and moved the collar over so it was off his shoulder. “I got another tattoo.”

Steve moved the camera closer so she could see it.

“Steve,” Robin gasped. “Is that…for me?”

“Of course it’s for you. You’re my soulmate.”

He said it because it was true, but also because Robin didn’t always think she was as special to Steve as she was. She thought he’d abandon her, especially since he and Eddie have spent everyday together for nearly a week.

This would show her that no matter how far they may drift physically, she would always be by his side.

“Steve, it’s beautiful. Eddie did it?”

“Yeah. He drew it all and copied your eye color for the wings.”

Robin was crying, he could tell even though she’d moved the camera away from her face.

“He did a great job.”

“He always does. He’s done all of Chrissy’s, you know?”

“I know. Hers are beautiful too. Maybe he should do one for me.”

“I’m sure he’ll get you in quick since you’re the soulmate of his sunshine.”

“That is disgusting, but I’ll allow it if I get perks.”

Steve let out a laugh, happy to be sharing any of his time with Robin.

“You like it?” He couldn’t help asking. Sure, she’d complimented it, but he needed to know she was telling the truth.

“I love it. Thank you for doing this,” she said, her voice wet with a held back sob.

“Love you, Robs.”

“Love you, dingus.”

“Gotta get back to work.”

“I have to go to work.”

“Mkay. See you later.”

“Later.”

Steve hung up the phone and quickly ate his lunch.

Only six more hours until he could be with Eddie again.

Chapter 11

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