#but i hate being this fucking explosive over the dumbest shit
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nothing quite like fixating on some technological bullshit to the point of Tears in the middle of the night to. Ruin your night!!!!!
#horse.txt#there was no fucking point to it either#i just got stuck on the idea of getting something done a certain way and. couldnt fucking drop it#its just not fucking possible anymore without being a fucking Tech Wiz apparently#i hate the advancement of the internet so fucking much i hate copyright law i hate it all i want to burn it all to the fucking ground#remember when actually Downloading pirated movies wasnt fucking Impossible#oh God werent those the days#jesus fucking christ#and i had been in such a good fucking mood too id been so motivated and inspired id had such a great fucking day#then i had to go fucking ruin it for myself#i should just sleep it off but if i triy to shut everything down ill just be laying there stewing in how mad i am#i dont even know what to fucking do#god i really shouldn't be smoking i need to be going sober so i can pass drug tests and get an actual fucking job#but i hate being this fucking explosive over the dumbest shit#i never fucking freak out like this when im high man#vent //#sigh. whatever man 😎🤙
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Frosty Ruins "Bottoms"
Are you ready for this movie review? Get ready because it starts rough and never stops getting rougher. This is a review I was dreading because it seems to have marketed itself as a cringe fag fest and the first 10 seconds of the movie didn't disappoint, I already hate it and I already have so many complaints. The movie opens on two women discussing "getting puss." You don't know these characters, you know nothing about them not their personalities, their interests their values, not even their names…but you do know about their sex lives. Not only have they prioritized their sex lives over every single other aspect of who they are, making this a degenerate starting point…but it's disorienting from a story standpoint. Why do I care about this character…what do I call this character…give me some setting, some backdrop…anything. Porn starts with more story and less focus on sex than this.
I can tell already this is going to be a constant violater of the classic "show don't tell" advice because the dialogue is atrocious. Lines like "Im in a little suit like the lesbian I am" make you reject the idea that these are even people talking…all I can see is script writers, cameramen, and a director, it does the opposite of making me forget I'm watching a movie…it makes me painfully aware of it and I don't buy it as a genuine human interaction. This is dialogue that can only be the work of a broken illiterate persons imagination or an algorithmic writing program. It's like someone asked chatgpt to write superbad but gay and without any humour or reason. Tell me this doesn't sound like a robot attempting humour... "I bet you could eat food, digest it, let it marinate and poop it out." I'm not making that up or being hyperbolic that is word for word actual dialogue from this awful fucking piece of shit horrorfest of a movie.
Although I will give them credit for one interaction where they acknowledge that some or even all of the bullying and hate they get doesn't come from being gay but from being "ugly and untalented" and show an example of a popular gay dude being widely accepted. But yeah a premise of the movie is that the people are hard to look at on purpose. Finally some acknowledgment that physical appearance plays a much greater role in bullying and acceptance than any minority or special interest status ever did.
One final point in this movies favour is presenting a completely accurate depiction of how cringe and gameless most lesbians are. The moment a woman tries to pickup other women they grow a fedora and a neckbeard and start spilling spaghetti out of their pockets. It's a reluctant point because it also makes the movie incredibly hard to watch for a whole new reason.
I have to talk about the black characters rant early on in the movie, I call her that because again I have no idea who anyone is or what to call them because who they are has taken a massive backseat to who they want to fuck. She goes on this explosive insane rant and there are so many things wrong with it I don't even know where to begin. It comes out of nowhere for one, it makes no sense, she talks about hanging up her vagina…but then her idea of hanging it up is having sex with someone else…I only know it's a guy because I was able to rewind 3 times and listen back to what she was saying. She introduces a character in the dumbest way imagineable. Imagine the first time you get introduced to a character is in a mumbly lightning fast rant about their sex life. If you slow it down and piece it together you learn she's introducing a religious character who is a friend of hers and a closeted homo. See I thought homosexuality was supposed to be two people of the same sex hooking up but she seems to think that because she can't get women and he's closetted it means they would of course be a good default couple.
The rant is also grossly blasphemous and not even just to Christians. I can't explain how bad this is you just have to hear it. "Because he's gay and fearless he's probably going to fuck me without protection, I'm gonna get pregnant, we'll have to join a church and he'll probably be the gay pastor." What the fuck is she talking about, why would a gay man be fucking her…how is she so certain he would fuck her without protection and why is she saying it like she would have no say in the matter? Why would her getting pregnant mean they would have to join a church…why would he then be the pastor of the church? You already established he was gay so why do you have to specify he'd be a gay pastor? None of this makes any sense, every sentence deviates further fom rationality than the last and every line brings with it new unanswered questions. Then it ends with her screaming "the deacons fucking the evangelist" over and over and crying. My headache has a headache. Gay people have to pray people do not watch this movie because "homophobia" will skyrocket if they do.
The movie also has some of the most unbelievable and wooden dialogue I've ever heard in my life. Nobody in the history of planet earth has ever spoken or behaved the way the people in this movie do. It's almost like to make up for the fact that it's a comedy with no jokes or humour at all they try to just exaggerate every interaction and then do it very big with overacting and overreacting. For example a football player is insisting he did nothing wrong by groping an older woman in front of his girlfriend….already a ridiculous caricature of straight men, then he tries to stop her from leaving in her friends car where they gently bump into him with the car and he explodes into hysterics like he's been gievously injured…and the entire football teams comes running to help and fawn over him like he's a gunshot victim. As I write this I figured out what this movie is and why every moment of it feels so cringe and wrong…every interaction is like a fake tumblr story, from the start it had "the whole bus clapped" vibes. Like when the principle summons the main characters to his office by getting on the intercom and announcing to the whole school "can the ugly untalented gays please come to my office." You know the saying it's funny because it's true…it goes the other way…this is not funny because it has no truth in it whatsoever. Every second of this movie is false, every line, every action, every shot…just rings of untruth and fabrication. This movie is the comedy equivalent of a real doll. It has all the same parts all the limbs are where they belong…but they are not real…there's a hollow soullessness to it, a feeling of plastic wrongness.
I said before it's like someone prompted chat gpt but it gets worse and more likely AI written the more you watch. It's like they said to combine superbad and fightclub but make it sound like it was written by tumblr and one of the criteria was that it had to be lesbians and it had to be pure unfiltered cancer.
By the way as of this point in the review I've only watched 9 minutes of this horrific piece of dogshit. This is going to be without a doubt the worst movie I've ever watched every sentence of it pisses me off. Every moment is a new thing to piss you off, this is a weapons grade bad movie…like it was made in a lab to cause frustration and braincunting. Just when you're relieved they stopped arguing over which one of them is faggot #1 and which one is faggot #2 the one asks the other if she "perioded herself." Then there is a completely unexplained "joke" where one of the students claims her vagina is owned by the government and as the viewer you're left with again so many questions…why was that supposed to be a joke? what does it mean? And please can I have at least a ten second break from incoherence and cringe?
Then in another "that happened" moment the football guy from earlier comes into class…in his full gear…because to whoever made this movie it's just a costume and football players are not people outside of playing football. He then smashes a glass and threatens her with it by mimicking dragging the glass across his throat…and the teachers response is "hey man you couldn't make that analogy with your fist?" And again so many things wrong all at once. Why is the teacher not punishing him for smashing school property and then threatening another student? Why does a teacher not understand the difference between an analogy and a gesture? Again these little details are part of why I'm starting to seriously believe my this shit is all being written by algorithms theory. It's like nobody even bothered to edit the script. It's full of lines that make no sense, jokes that have no setup or no punchline…just the cadence of a joke.
If I go in depth into everything wrong with this movie I'll literally…not figuratively have to examine every single line, because at least for the start of this movie there is not one line that is not absolutely mind numbingly retarded and frustrating. And every line has multiple things wrong with it. Listen to some of this shit…
"How come you can't buck up and learn to protect yourselves without running somebody over."
"You can beat the shit out of each other while you perform the vagina monologues,just stay in your lane until you're munching beaver at weslyan."
By the way those two lines are how the concept of them starting a fight club comes up, it's so abrupt, so out of nowhere and so retardly nonsensical…it doesn't follow at all. The entire premise of the movie hinges on a throwaway line that makes no sense. The only reason they bumped into a guy with their car was he was threatening them and preventing them from leaving because they were offering a ride to his ex girlfriend. They took this to mean we as gay people need to learn self defense…already a leap in logic because nobody was attacking them and certainly not because they were gay. Then they accept their principles notion that they shouldn't use anything to defend themselves with, a retarded idea that nobody even bothered to attempt to explain or defend…and they just accept that they can't or shouldn't use whatever means they have available to defend themselves and instead have to learn hand to hand combat…another stretch. And then decide that the best way to do this is to start a fight club with other gays where they all just beat each other up. And they do this because the principle suggested it for no reason while insulting them. And by the way I'm explaining this all way better and more clearly than the movie does, the movie is just a string of incoherent sentences that form some idea of a patchwork of a plot I'm just trying to make sense of the nonsense. This plot is not the work of an intelligence at all…nevermind a low intelligence.
I really can't finish this movie,this is normally the amount of rage and content I have after a full 2 hour movie but im only at 14 minutes here. It's not even that the writing is so atrocious, the timing, the delivery…the acting is just the worst I've ever seen. I've sat through some horrifically bad movies over the years for these reviews I've sat through countless movies and shows that I grade as F-and yet never once did I say ok I can't watch this anymore…I've always finished it. I've watched woke black sitcoms, Rian Johnson movies, femsploitation reboots and yet this is the first time I've ever had to say no I can't finish this it's too awful. This movie is without a single doubt in my mind the worse movie ever made. It has ruined my grading curve because I need a grade so much lower than an F- and it just doesn't exist. Is Z- minus a thing? If in theory that is 20 grades lower than a fail that's what I give this movie. May God have mercy on us all.
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What's the dumbest thing Locus has done that Siris told TCC about? Because Bug-Lord has done some spectacularly dumb shit that I refuse to believe it was always Felix's idea/fault.
The beauty of having Siris is that fact that he knew Locus before Chorus and is the only person that knew what he was like back then, which means he can just tell the team embarrassing stories whenever Locus annoys him.
You’re absolutely right and you should say it.
Locus is pretty competent, so I can’t really see him being the cause of dumb shit happening. I feel like dumb shit just happens to him from time to time and he just sighs and accepts it because what else can you do? Like that one time he got talked into dressing up as a company mascot to blend in on a mission. Or that time he was crossing a frozen pond to get to a hill to do sniper stuff on, the ice broke, and he wound up soaked from the waist down and had to just deal with it until the mission was over (Felix laughed about that one for weeks.) It’s up for debate who was really at fault for the snapping turtle incident, but for the sake of getting a reaction out of Locus, I feel like Siris would put the blame for that one on him too.
The dumbest one by far though has to be the time they had a bounty for a guy who was both a homicidal nutjob terrorist, and a reptile enthusiast. The reason that last part is relevant is because in TLRH, Locus is deathly afraid of snakes. He hates the fucking things. He got bitten by a rattler when he was a kid and almost died, so he has plenty of reason to be.
Anyways, they get to the dude’s evil lair or whatever (probably just a beat up warehouse/barn/old building/take your pick) that’s like half illegal explosives manufacturing and half reptile zoo. We’re talking whole rooms dedicated to tanks of reptiles. Anyways, at one point, a stray bullet breaks one of the tanks open and a snake gets loose. No one notices until all the bad guys are dead and they have their target tied to a chair and are interrogating him. And in the middle of it, the littlest cutest python ever slithers out from under a table and heads towards the nearest thing it can find, which is, unfortunately, Locus.
He doesn’t notice it until it starts coiling around his ankle. At this point in the retelling of the story, Siris would have tears in his eyes from trying to hold back laughter. Because Locus screams like a little girl when he sees the snake.
Don’t worry, nothing bad happened to it. Felix did want to make a pair of boots out of it, but after deducing that there wasn’t enough skin on the little thing, he opted to just let it go, and Locus opted to pout in the car until the mission was over because no way is he staying there with danger noodles slithering around. Fuck that.
Of course, they had to set a rule shortly after that no one was allowed to try to scare Locus with those rubber/plastic snake toys either. Because it happened once and he almost broke Felix’s neck with his bare hands. And that’s generally not the sort of reaction you want to trigger again XD
Ty for the ask! :D
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RWBY V3E5: Never Miss a Beat
* PEEEEENNNNNYYYYYY
* OH DIP is Penny on an actual team now??
* You guys know I love this show’s actions scenes but sometimes these characters do backflips for literally no reason
* See, like...This is a problem I’m noticing in a lot of these new female characters. There’s promise for a cool design there but they’re all made from the same model. They change the hair, skin, eye color, clothes, etc. but they all have roughly the same build and face.
* Also I can’t tell who this girl is supposed to be but I’m sure it’ll hit me like a sack of bricks later
* “Thank you for a wonderful time!” I’m headcanoning that Penny has a bloodthirst streak rn
* Penny you can’t glomp people you way like 5000 lbs
* I 100% do not have anything against Ciel’s voice at all but I think maybe her VA was a little too close to the mic? There’s a notable difference in her and Ruby/Penny’s audio quality
* I’m going to throw my cards in and guess the rabbit from Alice in Wonderland, maybe? I can’t immediately think of another character all about time management
* “Like Weiss!” “Precisely!” I don’t know whether to be disappointed or amused that Weiss is still Salt Queen
* Oh? I just kind of assumed everyone kind of knew at this point, my bad. I guess everyone thinks the multiple swords are her semblance?
* And, like...is it? Is she like Pyrrha?
* Missed opportunity for an “I played it off *cut to them totally NOT playing it off*” joke
* Awww Penny noooo
* Ruby and Penny: *important conversation about Penny’s role with Atlas*
Ciel:
* Mm...it was a little short of a minute but I’ll give em credit
* FREE-ZER-BURN! FREE-ZER-BURN!
* I have no idea when I got it into my head that Yang was like...EXTREMELY taller than everyone else and dwarfed Ruby and Weiss. (Unless Weiss is wearing heels)
* “I think we can expect strict, militant fighters with advanced technology and carefully rehearsed strategy!”
* Weiss stop you’re walking into a trap stop feeding him
* see, sometimes I’m conflicted about holding Weiss accountable for the Schnee Dust Company. Blake I feel was justified since Weiss was talking very proudly about how great it was despite its business practices, but in this case, I’m not so sure. Weiss wasn’t even gloating and he’s pulling the “You’re related to the person who wronged me” card
* “Why don’t YOU? That’s what you sound like!” Wow! I hate her!
* jowejowauehp I love how instead of Yang being angry she’s like “wh...huh?”
* “where’d you get your hair extensions?” asks the girl that probably uses melted skittle juice to dye her hair
* “...Top heavy.”
* First of all:
* Second of all: Tops, by definition, cannot be top-heavy
* tfw you thuoght you were about to face some serious military-grade opponents but one’s just a smooth jazz player with a vendetta against your dad and the other is a :3 kawaii lol so random rawr girl who insults your teammate’s boobs out of nowhere
* I figured the attack was going to be a sonic jazz blast
* *INTENSE CARELESS WHISPER*
* I wish the sound was like...actual music playing, at least. I know it’s supposed to be bad but like...my ears are bleeding.
* I’m very incredibly sorry to anyone that disagrees and/or loves Weiss but this is so far the dumbest, most humiliating way I’ve seen someone get hit in a match so far and I saw a girl break her ass on a skateboard
* Sometimes the rainbow effect is fine but other times it’s not doing so great
* Actual scene: high-action, gunfire, explosions
The music:
* I can’t believe Yang might be beaten by Nyan Cat Beams
* “Look! Now you’re bottom heavy too!” She always has been.
* don’t like that
* The record scratch I’m love
* Ngl I love that music transition into that sort of jazzy quartet style now that the fight is back on Weiss and Blow Job
* “Too bad all that money can’t buy you skill!” Too bad having it be your only weapon on the battlefield can’t let you play the trumpet good for shit
* There you go Weiss!
* I keep forgetting Oobleck actually has eyes and is kind of a bishounen behind them
* Can’t believe that of all the things these people see on a regular basis it’s a guy becoming a rainbow quartet that gets the HUH???? reactions
* “You are kind of pretty when you’re angry!” Okay now I’m just convinced this girl is thirsty and is flirting with Yang.
* “I wasn’t saying you SHOULD go on a diet! I was saying you NEED to go on a diet!” Ooooor she’s just jealous that Yang has All That Going on For Her while rainbow girl has All...That Going on For Her
* Listen I don’t want to be a nitpicky butthole but didn’t these two just teleport over here just so he could see them?
* Yang just go super saiyan already! She’s clearly maxed out your anger points.
* There’s no doubt in my mind that people probably really love this rainbow girl but I spent my school years with like 4 “lol im so cewl and quirky im going 2 insult u all coy but then just straight up say wat i mean lolololol uwu” girls and she’s reminding me of every one of them
* oh my fucking god she fucking dead
* I am really, genuinely confused. Where did Weiss go???
* don’t like that
* “Don’t worry about her! She’s easy!” Nah you just wish she was you thirsty bubblegum pop wannabe.
* YANG YANG YANG YANG YANG!!
* GO FOR HER ROLLERSKATES!
* Man Yang really did pull the cartoony “hold one end of the gun so it fires out the other thing” huh
* Which reminds me I don’t think either of these characters had guns for weapons!
* OH MY FUCKING GOD SHE FUCKING DEAD
* Oh Weiss is there still
* My heart being warmed by team FNKI actually being sportsmanlike and complimenting Yang and Weiss and Neon asking to hang out later is really confusing my body’s visceral response to Neon in general
* oof. ouch. Okay. I’m sorry. But when Ruby and Blake are running to Weiss and Yang they just...shrink.
* Like it isn’t just me right?
* Can I just go one damn episode without seeing the three stooges please
* “What does that mean?” Mercury I hate you from the bottom of my heart but thanks at least for not just taking the whole ~mysterious evil line~ at face value
* ...which is then followed by another ~mysterious evil line~
* Also, side note:
IF ANY ONE OF THESE STUPID KINDERGARTEN IDIOTS WHO OUGHT TO BE COVERED IN BAND AIDS FROM HOW MUCH THEY CUT THEMSELVES ON THEIR OWN EDGE GOES ANYWHERE NEAR PENNY I WILL TEAR OFF THEIR SINGLE PERSONALITY TRAITS WITH MY BARE HANDS
* “His heart is in the right place” Get it? Because he’s the Tin Man. Get it? Get it? Ge
* “Sometimes I’m not even sure he has a heart.” GeT it? Get i T? Gte ti? ge t i ? t
* “Ever since the day I met her, I had a feeling she would be the one” I am in fifty different states of confusion and anxiety right now
* oh dear oh dear oh Pyrrha my dear what are you about to get into?
* So as of right now I’m pretty okay with how they’re approaching the tournament arc. I was concerned it was going to grind to a halt and no plot development would happen but it seems that they’re at least taking 2-3 episode breaks to do that and even then, episodes that focus on the tournament do get at least some progression
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Pain and Noise (Duff x Reader)
Summary: I was fed up with just about everything that constituted my life, so I started playing.
Warnings: Unprotected sex, mentions of violence, swearing, panic attack.
Wordcount: Almost 5k
A/N: First fic I ever write, I am nervous and this was originally in Spanish, so be nice with my best try of a translation. Enjoy :)
REQUESTS ARE OPEN!!!
Masterlist: https://slxyangel.tumblr.com/post/189625800403/masterlist
The pain in the back of my hands was intense, searing, and growing worse with every minute I spent holding the drumsticks and unloading my rage over the drums in the studio. The accumulated tension stiffened my fingers, the muscles in my arms were numb and it had been a while since I started feeling my nails spiking my own skin because of the pressure I was putting on it. I didn’t care; I preferred to feel that rather than the anguish that had been threatening to rip off my chest these last few weeks. I don’t know how much time I spent like that. What I do remember is the pain. And the noise.
I also remember sitting on the stool during a little while the guys were out, I’m not sure what for, maybe to grab some food or take a break. They had been working on the album for months, and these days of polishing, re-recording, fixing and tuning everything up for the final version were being especially hard; they deserved a breather. “And so do I”, I told myself while I held Steven’s drumsticks and gave it a second thought, maybe it wasn’t a good idea. He, as any other percussionist, didn’t like it when someone else fiddled with his instrument, not to mention if it happened without him being around to control it. I could only hope that he didn’t show up in that very moment and caught me, because I don’t think I would have the strength to explain him every thought that was circling my head the moment I decided to play his drums, and even less not to drown the whole story with my tears. I mean, come on, it was only going to be a little while.
I had been working with the band practically since the recording process for Appetite for Destruction began. I was in my last year of university, and needed an internship to complete my learning agreement, and, I still can’t comprehend how, my best friend’s father got me plugged-in in Geffen Records. They were the ones who decided that the best option for an audiovisuals student was in the recordings for a young rock band’s debut album. This is how I ended up being Mike Clink’s personal assistant and hanging out with Axl, Slash, Izzy, Duff and Steven. The chemistry had been practically automatic, I got along with them pretty quick and, even though I started being basically the coffee girl, I was always very comfortable in such a creative and carefree environment.
I remember those first days in which Mark, my boyfriend, used to drive me to the studio in his car. I could drive, of course, but my new job seemed almost more exciting for him than it did for me, so he insisted in getting me there, picking me up and making me tell him every little detail of my brand-new work life. He was thrilled when I told him how I had spent twenty minutes of my first day talking with Slash and he had shown interest about my studies, my reasons to be there and my general life. “If we’re gonna work together, we might as well be friends”, he said. The guy told me that he had a snake, that his parents were artists and that’s why he had always been so involved with music. He also said he got his first guitar when he was 15 and that he and the guys ended up together out of sheer coincidence, but they had realized they were the perfect combination, so they were really excited about their new project. It was there that I realized I was in the right place and, even if, worst case scenario, the rest of the band hated me, at least I had a new friend.
However, my worries couldn’t be any more unfounded. Once I had talked to Saul, the rest of it went smoothly. Axl was quite a character, for instance, a guy you felt like looking at. Wherever he was (because he couldn’t stand still for a second), your eyes would be glued to him. He had an enviable magnetism no matter what he did: singing one of their songs, bringing order to the mixing desk, finishing off half a liter of Jack Daniel’s… He was the kind of person who seems out of reach from every one of us mortals but, deep down, is a cinnamon roll. Our first interactions (mostly his, let’s be honest) were filled with double intentions. In any case, now that I see it in retrospective and compare it with the way he treated other girls, I came to think that this was his way to know women in general, his default mode. Actually, those anecdotes of conversations I had with the vocalist were worth a fair dose of laughing for Mark and me during our more than usual supermarket-pizza, Ben-&-Jerry’s-ice-cream dinners in the flat we shared. Over time, Axl’s phase of blatant flirting with me faded away, making room for a really close friendship between the two of us.
Izzy, on the other hand, treated me almost as if I was an experiment. Do you know the feeling when you arrive to a new school but the year has already started and everybody is curious about you? Well, that was more or less how the guitarist reacted to my incorporation. He had never been too talkative, or, at least, not as much as the rest of them, so my first days with the brunet can be summed up to him joining conversations between me and someone else, to learn a bit more about me without having to ask directly; to my hand-waving gestures and his responses raising his chin or his eyebrows; or to him offering me drags of his cigarette from time to time, while we waited for the rest of the guys to record their tracks so we could all go partying together. It was interesting. It was entertaining. It was even funny to see us unfolding, adapting to each other until we gained full trust. We could argue that his more reserved, almost wary personality and my own, more explosive and versatile, complemented each other as two puzzle pieces; one had what the other lacked.
And, while Izzy complemented me, Steven understood me. We were two peas in a pod: energetic, chaotic and jam-packed with energy. Basically the kids in the team. Like two naughty twins, we loved to terrorize the studio. We threw stuff at each other, we laughed like crazy, we yelled from one corner of the room to the other the dumbest, most absurd shit you could imagine… One of the activities I enjoyed the most was to scare away the chicks from him. Some afternoons when he was chilling on the couch, unaware and concentrated on hitting on whatever girl he had just met, I arrived, seated next to him on the couch and went full on clingy-ass-girlfriend with him: handsy and unbearable. I interrupted the groupie and put up with Steven’s deadly glares until, after a while, the girl took off, sometimes walking towards one of the other guys, sometimes straight to her house. The drummer always got mad at me when I did this to him, but his anger never lasted for more than ten minutes.
And then there was Duff. He was something else, something different. I had never had such a connection with anyone, and even less with anyone I had met for so little time. Duff had his own light, like an extremely bright star, and I was flashed by it but, at the same time, he irradiated a delightful kind of warmth, too nice for me to voluntarily step away. He was fun, he was compassionate, he was sensible, he was a little bit mad and he made everything unspeakably easy. The rest of the band spent their days saying that we should have sex or betting on whether we were or weren’t conscious of the sexual tension they assured was too obvious between us. At first, we either told them to fuck off or went along with it, but without giving it much of a second thought. At the end of the day, I was dating Mark, who I adored, and Duff knew it. We were nothing but friends, like the rest of the guys.
Weeks went by and I kept getting closer and closer with the bassist: we talked about everything and anything, we told each other countless anecdotes from our lives before arriving to L.A., and he even sometimes helped me with the paperwork. More than once, even though smoking was allowed in the studio, the two of us stepped outside to do it, and a break that was meant to last for 10 minutes ended up being one hour long. When this happened, Slash had to come out for him, wielding his guitar and threatening to smash it on his head if he wasn’t back inside in the following fifteen seconds. In fact, some of those days when it took me longer to finish my job he would stick around and offer me a ride home before he headed to the club, so that Mark didn’t have to come pick me up that far that late.
Of course, it was all being too good to be true. The first day this happened, when I arrived home in “some other dude’s car, instead of a fucking taxi”, Mark’s own words, I found a version of my boyfriend that I didn’t like one tiny bit: wary, silent and mean. When I asked what his problem was I already saw the answer coming, but I just refused to believe he was going to get all possessive over such a nonsense, he had never behave like that. That night we went from yelling at each other to the silent treatment in a matter of a few hours, and the next day, when I got to the studio in my own car for the first time since the guys knew me, that place looked like goddamn press conference. They took less than two minutes to notice I was a little bit off, and less than five to tell me “Dump him, fuck Duff”. I couldn’t help but laugh. I hadn’t broken up with Mark, we had just argued; I would speak to him and we would fix things; that’s what couples did. Bitch, you thought.
For the next few days everything seemed to have turned back to normal: my boyfriend and I were okay, he said he was sorry and begged me to let him apologize by being my chauffeur again. I didn’t quite feel like rocking the boat after that night, so the idea of not driving myself to work didn’t seem that bad, until the days Mark started arriving a little earlier each day. Five minutes, fifteen, half an hour before my cutoff time, as if he had to make sure I went back home with him, as if he had to keep an eye on me. In fact, one of the days in which he arrived with a bigger margin of time, he decided it was a good idea to wait inside the studio while the band was recording, and argued that “it would be a lot more boring to wait in the car”. Over the last days, the guys had noticed how pissed it made me the fact that he was chasing after me, behaving like an asshole and little more than tying a leash around my neck, so Axl stepped up and asked him to leave, since the guy wouldn’t listen to me. I have to admit I was surprised with how calmly the vocalist took the intrusion, taking into account his normally short temper. He told Mark that “it wasn’t his problem if he wanted to be his girlfriend’s chauffeur, but he couldn’t simply burst into a private property as if it was his house, and even less when they were working.” To be honest, that was one hell of a comeback, because if the singer had exposed the real reasons why he wanted him out, the other one would have clutched at straws to the philosophy “She is my girlfriend, you don’t get a saying on this.” But on his argument and on his turf, Axl had the upper hand.
Despite all the efforts, Mark told him to mind his own business and that, if the redhead kicked him out of the studio, he would be behaving like a total dick. Then, as if the destiny was trying its best to fix things, sarcasm be sensed, Duff showed up in the anteroom where we were. As soon as my boyfriend saw him, his eyes started blazing, and it only took the bassist telling him he had to leave and that I was still in my working hours so I wouldn’t go with him, for his fist to connect with Duff’s jaw in a nasty jab. And hell was fucking raised.
Axl pushed Mark, who was holding my arm with the same hand he had punched the blond with two seconds ago. Not letting go of me, he tackled the vocalist, mumbling something I can’t remember. Then he walked towards the front door, grabbing me with him. “Let’s go. Now”, he ordered. His fingers dug into my skin with such anger and despair that I could already feel the bruise forming underneath, and I was half shocked, half scared shitless. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to get in the car with him and I didn’t want any more punches either, but in any case my limbs were not responding to the commands my brain tried to make, whichever they were. It was then that, halfway across the room, before reaching the door, Mark stumbled and fell, finally releasing my arm. The first thing I saw when I lifted my eyes was Duff standing there, with his mouth covered in blood, shaking his right hand once and breathing heavily.
- If you ever touch her again like that, I’ll kill you.
While Mark was trying to get up, Slash stormed in from the recording room. He had seen the events of the last two minutes from his position behind the glass, and he wasn’t going to take any more of that shit. Right before the other one went ballistic attacking the bassist and blood started to hit the fan, Saul grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and kicked him, literally, out of the place. Once the metal door had closed between Mark and us, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I vaguely remember I started hyperventilating, on my knees, on the floor, and the sound of punches hitting metal on the outside was all but helping me calm down. As tears streamed down my face and I frantically run my fingers through my hair, a hand started trailing my back. It was a soft touch, slow, really slow. Making its way upwards and then going back down, over again. The noise level had considerably decreased, and now all I could listen to were whispers, the sweetest whispers coming from the mouth of one single person. “Shhhh, easy. You’re having a panic attack. It’s okay, you’re okay, I’m here. Breathe.” Little by little my quick and superficial breathing became steadier, and after a few minutes I was able to stand up to sit on the couch. The beating on the door had stopped, and I realized all the guys were surrounding me, worried look on their faces, as Duff, seating beside me, still had his hand in my back.
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It had been two weeks since that day. After the incident, I sure as hell wasn’t going to be under the same roof as Mark, and even less with the fight still recent. Who knows what he would do to me as soon as I crossed the threshold… The guys profusely insisted that I could stay with any of them, but they let me use their phone to call my best friend when I told them I would be in very good hands with her. Laura received me with a warm hug the moment she saw me, and that night, at her home, we cried, we ranted and we ate ice-cream until we couldn’t take any more. I have to admit that, given the circumstances, she managed pretty well to get me into bed feeling kinda happy. But of course, nothing lasts forever. I was about to graduate, with no home (the foster-bed in Laura’s house didn’t count), no boyfriend and no plans of work, projects or future in general; ahead of me there was a massive precipice with seemingly no ending. Besides, the production process for Appetite was coming to an end, and so did my internship and the months of togetherness with the band. Now was the time for press conferences, concerts and, if it all went well, the tour. To be honest I was super happy for them. I had seen the birth of that album, and I was blindly certain that with such a masterpiece they were bound to success. It was inevitable. But in any case, that meant the end of what had given me the most joys in the last four months and, if apart from all the financial and emotional stability I had gained during my college years, someone took that away from me… what did I have left?
__________________
After that much time hitting the drums, I had ultimately interiorized the beat so much now I was just reproducing it on loop, with my eyes closed and breathing heavily. I was so self-absorbed that I didn’t realize the door had opened and someone had stepped into the studio. Suddenly I felt how, behind my back, two hands softly landed on my shoulders. I didn’t stop playing. My arms moved now with less vigor to the beat I had marked from the beginning, while those fingers gently traced small circles in the back of my neck, comforting me.
Duff.
It had to be him, I was certain.
Little by little I reduced the speed of my movements, gradually, until I completely stopped playing. When I left the drumsticks on the snares and turned around in the stool I saw him. He was standing there, right in front of me, asking with his eyes, a calm and expressive look on his face. An almost imperceptible sigh escaped my lips. He was worried about me.
- Good thing it was you who entered, and not Steven – I said, half jokingly, as I stood up, hoping to relax the tension built up between us.
- Yeah – he laughed softly. – Had it been him he would have ripped the drumsticks off your hands and hit you with them.
I laughed too, quietly, bitterly. This was too much for me. The words we never said were floating around, like a thousand needles falling into a tailspin above us; eventually, they would have to land. The worst part was that I didn’t know if I craved that moment or, on the contrary, dreaded it.
It looked like he had read my mind when he slowly, almost asking for permission, held my hands. I startled a bit with the contact, but I let him go on. Duff looked at them for a second before he noticed the tiny wounds I had unconsciously inflicted on myself digging my fingernails too hard a while before, at the drums. Without saying a word, he started caressing them very softly, as if he wanted to calm, more than my physical pain, the sentimental one. He was breathing deeply and slightly frowning. He was concentrated in trying to make that feeling disappear, the confusion, the guilt, the fear… the stream of emotions that had been threatening to break me for some time now. He looked me in the eyes. In that very moment, the temperature inside the room raised a few degrees. We were really close. So close I could feel his breath on me, listen to his heartbeat accelerating with every second that went by, see how his lips lightly parted, practically not at all, only a hint of the thought that filled our minds in that place, in that moment. Then, almost involuntarily, as an instinctive reflex, I stretched my neck upwards. That was the only sign he needed to make the already scarce distance between our lips disappear, and kiss me.
The contact was slow, sweet and full of longing. Our lips moved rhythmically, perfectly fitting on each other’s. Duff was still holding my hands, and I could feel my breath accelerating progressively. I released one of my hands and placed it on his neck, stroking the hair on his nape and helping myself keep balance in my tippiest toes. He saw my struggles and moved his free hand to my waist, firmly holding me so that I wouldn’t fall. All of a sudden, I felt the urge to be closer to him, even more. Everything that I hadn’t been able to do and that had bottled up inside of me was now too overwhelming, and I didn’t want to fight it anymore. Our kiss intensified, we hungrily enjoyed each other, panting. The next thing I knew was that Duff had placed his hands on the back of my thighs and lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around his waist and leaned my arms on his shoulders, so I could keep kissing him while he crossed the room and sat on the leather couch, with me straddling his lap. He ran his fingers up and down my thighs, slightly lifting the hem of my dress, as if he was testing some boundaries that I hadn’t set and, at this point, I didn’t plan to.
I was euphoric, nervous and loaded with desire. In a burst of braveness or lust, I’m not entirely sure, I started to buck my hips, back and forth, following a slow path at first, which progressively accelerated. The friction of my underwear in direct contact with his leather pants was about to drive me mad, and I couldn’t stop. His hands, which a moment ago were on my hips, guiding them, started moving over my lower stomach, tracing the edge of my panties in painfully slow motions. His breath was also heavier, somehow ragged, and I felt him hardening beneath me. His lips were stuck to the base of my neck, lightly sucking as I, with my eyes closed and lips parted into a silent “O”, gently pulled his blond hair. My core grew more sensitive by the minute, and when I thought I wouldn’t be able to hold the moan trapped in my throat anymore, his fingers touched my most sensitive spot, turning my steadily rocking hips not that steady for a moment.
In a matter of seconds, and with his hand working wonders between my legs, I got rid of the dress, which only bothered, and the perspective of my almost absolute nudity on top of his entirely dressed body made me shake with arousal. His free hand took care of my breasts, now exposed, as I dug my nails into his shoulders, underneath the sleeveless shirt he was wearing.
- Take it off – I managed to blurb between gasps.
- What? – Duff seemed confused, too concentrated on something else for having been able to follow the road of my own thoughts.
- Your shirt, take it off. I want to touch you.
A shit-eating grin lit up his face right before he separated in a quick motion from that piece of clothing and threw it somewhere else. Immediately after, in a total change of the atmosphere, he laid back on the couch and, placing his hands behind his head, said:
- Then touch me.
I didn’t hesitate for a single second. My hands flew to his shoulders, his arms, his shoulders again and went down his chest as I peppered kisses all over his lips, jaw, neck, collarbones… I took my sweet time while swinging my hips against the fabric that separated my pussy from his erection, and my nails traced a descending path down his torso, really slowly. I could notice how he was growing desperate; I felt his breath, now turned into a subtle growl, against my hair; I realized how shortly he had managed to keep his hands off me, since now he was caressing my flanks, my back and my chest. When I reached the cord of his pants with my fingers, I slowly undid the knot that tied them together and slipped my hand underneath, without stopping my hip motions. The very moment I found the base of his length, a soft grunt escaped his lips. He was driving me insane.
After a while arousing each other, we couldn’t stand the teasing any longer and Duff took the first step to getting rid of the clothes that were still around. I stood up and took off my sandals so that he could slide my panties down my legs, grazing my skin along the way. He also let go of both his pants and sneakers, tossing them on the carpet. Our moves were clumsy thanks to eagerness and anticipation. I once again sat on top of him, in our initial position, only now there were no clothes in the middle of the road. I could feel him against me. Touch. Friction. Desire. His expert fingers moved now freely over my core, as he left little love bites under my left ear. I kept on rubbing his cock, fully hard and a bit wet, while, with my other hand, I held on to his hair for dear life. We were close, really close. It felt as if every centimeter of my skin was on direct contact with Duff. He was everywhere, every corner, every goosebump, every scar… With all this overstimulation, my moans filled the room, and I didn’t have enough sanity to realize anyone could come in. I was a mess.All of a sudden, right when I was seconds away from cumming, his hands disappeared from my core. Even though I couldn’t see myself, I was sure in my eyes one would be able to read the anticipation and confusion.
- Wait – he said in a desperate whisper -. I want to feel you, I want to be inside of you.
If he hadn’t stopped touching me a moment before, I am sure that sentence would have sent me to the wildest of orgasms, but it wasn’t the time for my sweet release. Not yet. He put his hand right next to mine, on his cock, and, with an almost unbearable slowness, he brought the tip of it to my entrance. A trembling sigh fell from my lips and we looked into each other’s eyes. Then, I gently let my hips descend on his lap, and he completely slid inside of me, letting escape an unearthly growl that gave me chills. He had dropped his head back, leaving his neck and collarbones exposed to me, but I had my eyes closed as I tried to control the delightful contractions that were about to take over me. I felt him inside of me, extremely deep. As if we were two pieces of the same puzzle, as if we had been manufactured specifically to be together. Now THAT was overstimulation. Once my body had adjusted to him, I started motioning my hips up and down, holding on to his shoulders so that I didn’t lose the limited balance I had left. He once again was looking at me, with his hands on my waist as I kept the path. Close, very close. His arms slid around me and I kissed his lips eagerly. Our moans died in one another’s mouth while the movements became faster, erratic, frenetic. It was becoming more and more difficult to keep my sanity, I was almost raving with pleasure, and the moment our lips broke away to take air and we looked at each other, nose to nose, without stopping for a moment, I couldn’t hold it any longer. I came with a flashing intensity, pronouncing his name countless times, asking God knows who for this moment to last forever. I couldn’t stop screaming, and when Duff begged my name and I felt his liquid warmth filling every bit of me, I saw white.
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His hand stroked tenderly my naked back while my breath came back to normal against his neck. The same as that day, but at the same time entirely different. I was still on top of him, he was still inside of me. I hadn’t yet gathered the strength to pull him apart from me, but he didn’t seem willing to get separated either, so we stood like that for a while, I don’t even know how much, but I don’t care. This felt utterly intimate, intense, extremely ours and totally apart from the rest of people, from the rest of things. It was a parallel universe inside of a crystal ball. It was the embodiment of all that was right. What we had been, without knowing or admitting it, even to ourselves, waiting for all this time.
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So I know you're just *waiting* for someone to suggest your boi so for the send a character ask *that doo doo-doo doo! fanfare for announcing kings or whatever* Remy (but for a challenge then you can't use space for your headcanon for him) ( ˘ ³˘)♥ ( ˘ ³˘)♥ ( ˘ ³˘)♥
I WAS waiting for my Boi thank you for feeding my obsession.Also how Dare you ban my space gay Remy. It’s my favorite headcanons. This is me-phobia.But alright I’ll take your challenge.
Favorite thing about him: You really going to make me choose huh. Hmph. I pick his sass because Sassy Boi, I just, I just love the Sassy boi alright. This does not change the fact that I also adore literally everything else about him.
Least favorite thing about him: None. I don’t dislike anything about him. Yes I know this question could be ‘something you like but not as much as other things’ but I’m sorry I just refuse. He’s my boi. I can’t not like anything about him.
Favorite line: Tie between ‘we’re going napping bitches’ and ‘Pumpkin spice seasonal depression. I live for it.’ (Although tbh his every line is a winner)
brOTP: Vibrating Losleep. My babies. My precious babies. You think Logan having to put up with a pining-over-someone Roman is bad see him dealing with a pining Remy. It’s such a mess but it’s alright. And Remy will straight-up deck anyone who mocks Logan. He has before. He will again. Logan will put a single bandage on his hand like ‘you’re a fucking idiot but also thanks.’Also Logan hates it but if he needs relationship advice who you want to bet he’s going to ask. It takes all his strength to set aside his dignity to do so. If Remy wasn’t so good at being a wingman he wouldn’t put up with the three years of teasing it comes with but damnit Remy’s a mess with his own relationships but can he set someone up.
OTP: Vibrating harder LOSLEEP. MY BABIES. THIS IS REMY BEING FLITY McFLIRT FACE AND LOGAN GOING ‘NOPE I DON’T LIKE HIM’ AND THEN ONE DAY REMY WINKS AT HIM OR GRABS HIS HAND OR SOMETHING AND LOGAN’S ‘OH MY FUCKING SHIT I’M IN LOVE WITH THE DUMBEST PLAYBOY I’VE EVER MET’THIS IS REMY THINKING LOGAN’S A PRETENTIOUS KNOW-IT-ALL UNTIL LOGAN SAYS SOMETHING A LITTLE SARCASTIC OR MAYBE HE SMILES A LITTLE AND REMY REALIZES ‘OH MY FUCKING GODS I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE IN LOVE THEN IN THIS VERY MOMENT’Losleep is DANCING it’s dancing in circles around what they know and refuse to admit, the smartass falling for the smartie with an ass, this is Logan flirting in quiet words and science reference and little smiles that make Remy melt, this is Remy being outrageous and flirting with Logan at every. single. second but he means every word, this is Logan catching Remy in a quiet moment, Remy for one second not guarded, smiling softer than freshly washed sheets and eyes shining like stars, this is Remy asking Logan for a dance without saying a word in the middle of the night beneath a sky of stars, this is them dancing in words and parries, this is guarded boys who are guarded in different ways for different reasons finally letting down walls to one other person, the one other person who tried to scale them, this is the world seeing two people who should never fit making more sense together than any maths equations or scientific formula ever has.This is cars going in different directions reaching the same destination. This is stars colliding without an explosion. This is learning to be someone you tried not to be. This is waiting, watching, bated breath, unsure when the shoe will fall but it never does.This is love.
nOTP: Remy x Remus because I don’t like Remus. But overall Remy be compatible with everyone.
Random headcanons: And no space gay Remy, smh, have to pick another one of my millions of headcanons for him- Like smart gay Remy. Remy who may look like a bad boy who doesn’t pay attention ever, who sleeps through half his classes and misses the other half and chugs a coffee right before a test he didn’t study for, but he still passes all of them with flying colours. He tells someone he was valedictorian. They didn’t believe him. He wasn’t lying.If you want a headcanons that actually fits in canon (or at least within the realm of the TS universe), I really like ones where Remy can make any of the sides fall asleep just by touching them. I partner it with the hc that he keeps an eye on all of them, to make sure they’re sleeping. If they aren’t, he shows up and gives them a chance to go to bed themselves before he Lovingly makes them. They never do it themselves.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t know if it’s unpopular or not but Remy is the best TS character. Full stop. Fight me.
Song I associate with them: There’s Sunglasses at Night which THANK YOU ANON for recommending to me. There’s also Cult of Dionysus which @enderbird recommended to me. Cooler than you is a losleep song I mentioned earlier but it still works here.
Favorite picture of him: You mean All Of Them? Though I do love that one where he’s Lost, in the middle of the night, on the street, phone to his ear, head up, Starbies in hand.
#the cryptid speaks#triple kiss anon#you guys should stop letting me talk about losleep#I always rant forever acjbhahf#what can I say I love them#long post#ish#ts remy#ts sleep
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It Goes Something Like This (1/1)
Summary: It’s hard to say how the hell this even happened, but Michael’s not going to complain. (Or, okay, he is, but only because everyone is so fucking stupid.)
Notes: I've been rewatching the Criminal Mastermind videos and fell in love with the idea of these four becoming crew of their own before meeting Geoff and Jack and all the FAHC shenanigans that follow. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
AO3
Technically, Michael meets Jeremy first.
“You fucking shot me!” Michael yells, because he and Jeremy are drunk as fuck and recounting to the others how they met.
Opposite sides, Romeo and Juliet kind of bullshit and Michael running into a short fucker with dyed hair and this shitty little gun.
Michael carrying an equally shitty assault rifle that fucking jammed on him, giving Jeremy enough time to pop off a shot that grazed his shoulder before he bolted. (Insert short joke here.)
“I panicked!” Jeremy yells back, because he remembers that night just as clearly, and he knows Michael now. (Goddamned short jokes.)
Michael starts cackling because he’s got a shit-ton of short jokes all saved up just for Jeremy and Jeremy knows him now.
It’s no surprise when Jeremy yells incoherently and fucking tackles Michael off the couch, mouth crashing into his like he thinks he can stop Michael, the others laughing helplessly at them.
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Ryan is...he’s this fucking bogeyman haunting Los Santos and whatever hellscape he came from remembers him because pieces of it come looking for him from time to time.
Michael heard about him before he met him, which is something that just happens in Los Santos.
You hear about fuckers like the goddamned Vagabond and either shit your pants at the thought of running up against him, or don’t really think about it because what are the odds, right?
If you’re Michael, though, you end up with a crew that hires Ryan on to help with a job and have the shitty luck to have someone from Ryan’s past catching up to him. (Worst timing really, and Michael caught in the middle of the whole mess.)
They’re waiting for the timer to hit zero before they kick things off and Ryan’s being a little too smug about things again. (Not dangerously so, no. Just this side of irritating, which means someone needs to remind him the Vagabond is really just a huge dumbass.)
There’s a certain kind of silence over the comms, not quite judging, because God knows their own pasts have caused them trouble in the past, but -
“In my defense,” Ryan says, sounding less like the soulless monster he’s supposed to be, and more like the hapless idiot he is. “I thought Carl was dead.”
The silence this time around is absolutely judgmental because Ryan is an idiot who slips up from time to time.
“Yeah, well,” Michael says, remembering the nightmare chase through the streets of Los Santos while being chased by an asshole bent on revenge. “You’re a surprisingly shitty driver for someone with your reputation.”
Michael grins as Ryan sputters, and outright laughs when Gavin starts squeaking and Jeremy wheezes.
“Oh, you are in for it when we get home,” Ryan says, and it isn’t the Vagabond or hapless idiot Ryan making the threat, just that dumb bastard Michael’s more than a little in love with.
Michael grins at the chorus of ooohs from Gavin and Jeremy and Ryan’s fondly exasperated sigh.
A soft ding sounds over the comms signaling the start of this little heist of theirs, and Michael cheerfully breaks out the explosives to start things out the right way.
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“Fucking Battle Buddies!” Jeremy yells, because he’s an idiot.
“Battle Buddies, fuck yeah!” Ryan yells, because he, too, is an idiot.
Idiots who refuse to tell Michael and Gavin how they met, just come out with the Battle Buddies shit like that’s a thing normal people do.
They even have matching tattoos on their biceps. Michael likes to run his fingers over them, tracing the lines of stupid hardcore design on the dumbest people he knows, and feeling their muscles flex under his touch.
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Gavin -
“Ryan was supposed to kill me,” he says, tinkering with some gadget or whatever Ryan got for him on his latest job. “Didn’t do it, though.”
It’s an idle comment, lazy day for them with the rain coming down steadily outside and things going well for them at the moment.
Michael looks up from the deathmatch he is handily losing while Jeremy and Ryan hunt each other in-game, every bit as creepy as the rumors say the Battle Buddies are.
“Fucking surprise there, Gav,” Michael says, as though Ryan’s the only one in the room who’s tried to kill him.
There was a time Michael was ordered to kill Gavin too, and Jeremy has a similar story of his own, because apparently Gavin’s just that annoying.
Makes a habit of making enemies easy as breathing and getting clear of them by the skin of his teeth one way or another. (They weren’t the first to hired to kill Gavin, and knowing him they won’t be the last.)
“Hey,” Ryan protests, not looking away from the screen. “I almost killed you.”
Gavin snorts, like Ryan’s blowing things out of proportion there. (Honestly given the way things went when Michael was sent to kill him, it’s possible.)
Twisty little fuck with a love of traps and clever as hell.
This scar on Michael’s back from one of them, and Gavin patching him up when Michael realized his boss was a lying fuck and maybe keeping Gavin alive was in his best interests after all. (Which, you know, considering how things worked out, it definitely was.)
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Lester’s the reason they started working together, all that time ago. Called them in for a job he didn’t want to trust to anyone else for whatever reason, and things just sort of...happened from there.
Jeremy eyeing Michael warily, eyes darting to Michael’s shoulder and the graze long since healed. Michael snatching the keys out of Ryan’s hand with a scowl, because he’d be goddamned if he let the asshole drive anything he was in ever again. Gavin with this bemused expression on his face as he looked to Lester as though wondering what the hell the man was thinking.
Lester not giving a shit about any of that as he laid out the particulars of the job and chased them out of his place to get things done.
The four of them staring at each other because really, and finding out through a series of misadventures along the way that they actually worked well together. (Somehow didn’t get each other killed, but that’s one and the same sometimes in Los Santos.)
Lester kept calling them together for jobs, and eventually they figured hey, why the fuck not and formed a crew of their own, and that slid into something else because hey, why the fuck not?
Jeremy’s terrible fashion choices and worse puns and shy, sweet smile when they kissed for the first time. Ryan’s stupid everything and strong hands cradling Michael's face so, so gently after a close call and lips against his, something desperate to it. Gavin’s reckless bravery and blood on his face, crooked little smile and quiet “Hey,” after endless days tearing the city apart to find him like he’d never doubted they’d be looking for him.
The four of them figuring their shit out like complete idiots. (Which meant it took them fucking forever to do it, but when they did it turned out to be the best fucking thing in the world.)
Lester still goes to them when something big is happening, and for better or worse, Agent 14 trusts them too. (As much as an asshole like him can, at any rate.)
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Gavin is the one who finds out about them. Pair of idiots making like they’re here to take over Los Santos, one step at a time.
Asshole in a tux and his partner in crime known to favor gaudy Hawaiian shirts, and ties to the Roosters.
Looking to carve out a space for themselves here and putting out feelers for anyone willing to take some risks for major rewards.
“No,” Ryan says, because Gavin has that look in his eye again.
The one that says he’s fascinated, and he’s always been a bit of a risk-taker, and they’re a little too invested in the stupid fuck to let him get himself killed.
“I mean,” Jeremy says, icing his shoulder after a sparring match that got a little too spirited, while Michael presses a bag of frozen peas to his jaw. “It could be a good thing?”
Michael leans against Ryan, feels the tension running through him because he’s a pessimistic bastard. (No surprise considering the road that led him here to Los Santos.)
They’re doing pretty well for themselves, when all is said and done.
Have a nice place to live and a few fancy cars, a bike or two. All the tech Gavin could ever want and contacts all over the city.
Lester hates them a little less than he hates most people, and Agent 14 is willing to look away if they get into things they shouldn’t when he isn’t involved. (Hasn’t called the FIB or IAA down on them anyway.)
Absolutely no reason to look into these two idiots, or too closely at the way they’re all feeling a little restless where they are now, too big for the small-time crew they used to run with and the kind of shit they’re involved in, and not big enough on their own for some of the things they’d like to try their hand at. (No reason at all, if they want to stay where they are.)
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“Huh,” Ramsey says, eyebrows raised as he gets a look at them. “I, uh. Huh.”
Michael glances at Ryan who is menacing as ever while working. At Jeremy who has traded in that brown cowboy hat of his for a blindingly white one apparently as a fuck you to any other cowboys roaming the streets of Los Santos, like that’s a thing that happens.
At Gavin, smug as fuck as he takes a delicate sip of his drink, because he’s got three of Los Santos’ more notorious figures at his back, and loves the reactions it gets from people when they realize. (As though Gavin isn’t as well known as they are, or his work, at any rate.)
The bar is quiet for this time of day, the six of them in a booth at the back and Patillo eyeing them appraisingly while Ramsey -
“You said you were looking for people for this job of yours,” Gavin says, eyebrows raised. “We’re interested.”
Ramsey sits back, gaze flicking between them and this frown between his eyes as he considers. (There are new rumors about the four of them these days, and he’s sure to have heard them by now.)
“We are,” he says slowly, as though he’s realizing the things he could do with them on his side, a light in his eyes alarmingly like the one Gavin gets.
Gavin smiles, just a hint of teeth, because he’s always a step ahead of them in matters like this.
========
Ramsey becomes Geoff, Patillo becomes Jack, and Los Santos never really recovers when the six of them decide to make their mark on the city.
Infinite Possibilities
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Zenith: Chapter 18-19
Chapter 18
We’re in Nor’s POV again, so prepare for edge. Though that can be said about literally every chapter in this book.
Nor is having a dream about how she’s being crushed by a small rock that feels like a bunch of very big rocks. And then she falls into an abyss (relatable), and into a big ol’ fire.
It’s very dramatic, and also? Symbolism.
Extremely symbolism.
She wakes up.
She was so cold. Her body, coated in sweat, was attracting the frigid recycled air that clung to her like a second skin.
How does one “attract” air? I know what they’re trying to say but like, at some point you just gotta stop trying to twist more meaning and drama out of every meaningless detail.
People say show don’t tell, but here, Shinsay follows up their telling with really dubious showing. Why do you do this? Just to pad the word count? More words doesn’t make you a better writer.
We’re introduced to Zahn, who is Nor’s bodyguard and also lover. They cuddle for a bit and Nor thinks about how nobody but Zahn is allowed to see her this vulnerable.
“I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think, Zahn.” She lifted her prosthetic hand to her face to wipe away the tears, then dropped it, disgusted by the sight of the gold metal, of the scars marring her upper wrist. Disgusted with herself for feeling so weak.
Ah. We’re doing this now, are we?
It’s okay though, because Zahn takes her fake, disgusting hand and kisses her tears away!
How sweet.
“You’re safe,” he said with a sigh. “I will always protect you, Nor.”
“I don’t need protecting,” she whispered.
I know this is supposed to be deep and not true, but she’s basically telling him, her bodyguard, that she only pays him to sleep with her.
To many people, Nor was the stone-cold ruler who haunted the nightmares of her foes. But to Zahn, she was just Nor. The love of his life, as he was hers.
Cool cool. The narrative then continues to talk about how they were there for each other when the war took their families and how he’s the only one who’s seen her at her weakest and bla bla bla.
This chapter is literally just a massive infodump about this new rando. You couldn’t have woven his existence into the narrative in a more elegant way, Shinsay?
“Don’t leave me,” Nor said, looking up into his eyes. Seeing the passion
mirrored there.
“I would never dream of it,” he said.
Their lips touched, and his hands slid down her bare back, gentle at first. Then hungry for more as she let him lay her back down.
“I love you,” Zahn said. “My Nhatyla.”
The lingering fear from her nightmare trickled away as a very different sort of feeling took its place.
“A very different sort of feeling,” Shinsay?
Are you two grown women or twelve actual years old, combined? Why is this so coy? You can’t have both all these MATURE and EDGY characters who are all about TEH SECKS and VIOLENS while basically giggling like tweens whenever you make a reference to fucking.
If you don’t want to deal with the subject, why include it at all? This is YA, isn’t it? Teens can handle discussions and references to sex. You could probably even get away with sex scenes if you write them carefully and don’t make them too explicit.
If you wanted to be completely PG, why is everyone always making grody sex jokes? If you wanted them all to have amazing sex lives, why don’t you have them (and the narration) speak maturely and openly about the subject?
I do not understand the reasoning behind any of this.
Chapter 19
We’re back with Dex, who, if you recall, kissed Andi without her consent in chapter 17.
DEX HAD FORGOTTEN how fast Andi’s reflexes could be when she was mad.
Furious, actually, he thought, as he watched the shock on her face melt into a mask of pure, boiling rage.
The sentence above, my friends, is a perfect illustration of why I have such problems with purple prose and using a bunch of “pretty descriptions” that don’t mean jack shit just to show off how deep your writing is.
Allow me to be extremely nitpicky and go off on a tangent while I analyze this ... word vomit.
Melting happens when something gets warm enough to change state from solid to liquid, but without necessarily boiling. In writing, the word usually has positive connotations. ”Molten” metals are often used as eye colors for love interests, people “melt” when another person does something sweet or romantic for them, et cetera.
It makes people think of warmth, softness, pliability.
When Andi’s shock melts into “a mask of rage,” it implies that the rage is solidified, but also that it’s fake, because it’s only a mask. Then we’re told that it’s actually boiling still. The fact that her shock is “on” her face doesn’t help.
Now, I know what you’ll say: Eff, this isn’t literal! It’s all just a metaphor!
But metaphors have to make sense, and conflicting, confusing visuals and concepts do nothing but shine a spotlight on the author’s carelessness. They’ve picked these words because they have inherent meaning and they sound good and intense, but without understanding how to use that meaning to their advantage.
If Shinsay wanted to keep the “hot rage” angle, I’d suggest something like this:
Dex watched as the shock on Andi’s face boiled over into white-hot rage.
Jesus Christ, I’m only two sentences in.
Anywhoo, Andi beats Dex with a chair. I would’ve killed him on the spot but I’ll take what I can get.
Andi spat on the ground, then rubbed her lips with the back of her sleeve. For one moment, she looked purely Andi, angry as a wet feline and terrifyingly beautiful.
...
So uh. For future reference: Comparing to your badass, ruthles space pirate to a wet cat
is probably the dumbest fucking thing you can do.
I guess Dex is also impressed that Andi looks like Andi.
And here I thought standards couldn’t go any lower.
Maybe there’s a message of positivity in there? Dex loves you if you look like you, girls! Just be yourself, and also angry as a wet cat.
Then he saw the moment when Andi’s face changed. She transformed into
someone else entirely; an actress playing the perfect part.
So you’re gonna describe to me how her shock melts into a mask of rage and how she looks angry like a wet cat, but you won’t tell me how Dex sees her slip into the role of an actress playing the perfect part? Something that would actually be quite interesting to witness?
Figures.
Andi starts acting like Dex cheated on her and Lira and Breck join in as the other women, which for some reason confuses Dex, the ultimate mastermind that he is. He catches on eventually as the other patrons start surrounding them in the hopes of a juicy fight.
Breck kicks him and he flies across the room, which is absolutely delightful and I love it. She kicked him into the table of the Lunamere guards (finally someone does something smart) and a fight with them breaks out.
Dex wasn’t the tallest man by Mirabel standards, but what he lacked in height, he made up in speed and agility—and above all, the desire to win.
And as we all know, people who lose always actually want to lose, and the guards he’s fighting against just don’t want to win enough!
Makes perfect sense.
He was all grace and glory as he spun and whirled, taking out Lunamere
guards as they rushed forward in hopes of sinking their knives into his gut.
Don’t make me do a GLORY count. Blease.
We switch POV to Andi. This entire chapter/fight scene is for some reason broken up into chunks, even though it’s all the same one scene and at one point we don’t even switch POVs, but the scene break is still there?
Who edited this?
[The Lunamere guard] howled and dropped, and then she was off again, leaping over his fallen form, her hands itching to raise hell, draw blood and spread the glory of her name.
The Bloody Baroness was here.
She’d make sure every single one of them knew it.
THE GLORY OF HER NAME
Note how Andi seems to just love this. I guess when the narrative needs her to be ruthless and badass, she’s all about being the Bloody Baroness and loves to SPREAD HER GLORY, but when she’s angsting, it’s all about how much she hates murder and remembers every single person she’s killed.
Cheap, Shinsay. You’re cheap and so is your book.
Another POV skip. We’re back with Dex. It’s still the same scene, same fight.
The plan was in place. Everything was glorious, beautiful, blessed disarray.
GLORIOUS
Another scene break. We’re back with Andi. Holy shit, this is such a terrible, disconnected, patchy mess.
Dex was cornered with his back against the bar, fresh green blood oozing from a cut on his brow.
Proof that his blood is actually green, in case y’all didn’t believe me.
Idk what this means or if it will ever be explained, but whatever.
Every part of Andi’s soul told her to get the hell out of there before the Sparks went off. She could abandon the mission. Leave Valen Cortas in prison, with Dex beside him once the warden of Lunamere caught wind of this.
But as she stood back and watched the clock tick down, some tiny part of
herself, some animal thing deep down, began to claw its way back up and out into the smoky pub light.
The Bloody Baroness never turned away from a fight.
See? Andi enjoys this, and willingly chooses it when she can do otherwise. So then why does Shinsay insist on making her all angsty and sad about the people she murders?
YOU CAN’T HAVE YOUR CAKE AND FUCK IT TOO, SHINSAY.
With a sigh, she pushed herself forward, swinging her borrowed knives as if
they were extensions of her body. Little pieces of heaven clutched in her hellraising fists.
With a sigh? Why is she acting like she doesn’t have a choice and this is a chore, like her mom told her to clean her room? Oh my god.
And yeah, I had to look at “little pieces of heaven clutched in her hellraising fists,” and now so do you.
Anyway, the “Sparks” (if they were explained, I didn’t pay attention) that Andi’s team set up around the bar go off and:
Then the whole world exploded around [Andi and Dex].
God, I wish they could die in the explosion.
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fate/zero review (spoilers)
Overall: first season slow. it chugs. its a lot. but i feel its also necessary for the set up of the second season, which is much better i literally just busted through the entire season today. much better paced, nice action scenes though they do have their weird frames and angles that make everything. hm. overall just so much nicer to look at and actually enjoying to watch most of the time. if i could go back in time i would tell myself to actually watch this first and THEN watch stay/night because theres a lot of set up here i think i would have enjoyed if i had watching things in chronological order, even when stay/night is still a bit of a slog to get through.
character reviews:
Gilgamesh: Wine-Drunk Priest Seducing Ugly UFO Flying TACKY GOLD ARMOR FUCKER! PUT SOME CLOTHES ON UGLY!
Kotomine: Dad-Murdering “im ugly and going to give a 8 year old the knife i killed her dad with” FUCKER!
Tokiomi: literally the dumbest fuck in this whole line up you could see the knife already in his guts from frame one, his face just screams “murder me in the most pathetic way possible! im a dumbass!”
Matou: I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU STUPID FUCK!!! NICE JOB FUCKING THAT UP BUG FOOD! Lancelot was cool as shit though you dont get to see many knights just use a machine gun because they feel like it
Waver: probably the only character who came out of this smarter, happier, and somewhat healthier. go chase your dreams. also a gay icon. i love rider.
Ryunosuke: SUPER UGLY MOTHER FUCKER! shouldve had a more painful death!
Kayneth: King Bitch! Died like a dog but Dairmuid didnt deserve that shit! he just wants to be a loyal knight and have a fair fight! but this fucker is so out of wack and didnt even think that MAYBE its not the best idea to bring your wife around the guy with a magical mole he cant control that makes ladies fall in love with him! Stupid! Bitch!
Kiritsugu: a mother fucker, but a good mother fucker. much better protag with a lot more depth than stay/night. next stop is ubw so lets see if that changes but for now what a great main character for what is literally an explosive dick measuring contest over a cup that wants legs and murder. adds a lot more context as to how this goblet of goo is bad. also im happy we got an actual reason why he couldnt go back to his daughter bc the whole time i was like. why the FUCK didnt he go back to his daughter why did he adopt this rando when shes RIGHT THERE.
Saber: the philosophical question posed by Gilgafuck about what makes a true king has actually been bothering me and ive been thinking about it ever since he posed it. Though i hate how Saber is punished for her ideals and how she chose to be king in the first place. The set up is literally stacked against her, as someone who wants to care for her country and its people by being something to strive for and a protective force VS two tyrants who just take whatever they want by force and see their kingship as something they deserve because theyre the strongest. its actually something interesting to think about, but i feel that someone else needed to be on sabers side of the argument so that this anime isnt “weh weh arturia is a stoopid gurl she should have fallen in love with someone and been more womanly to have a fufiling life and also maybe not be king in the first place weh weh”. i guess the set up is more to prove gilgafuck wrong later in stay/night but he never really poses it then so. its not really? its just. hm.
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Criminal Minds s02e08 Empty Planet review - or more aptly named, HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO BREATHE AFTER THIS ONE?
Episode 08 – Empty Planet
So last episode was beyond controversial in my head. I hope this would be okay. Though the name suggests something seriously creepy is going to happen.
Let’s see what happens.
What is he making? That looks like a fucking bomb! Why is he phoning it in? what’s going on? Fuck. Shit. On a bus?
Oh god, this guy is completely over the hedge.
And he hides the bomb inside an umbrella? What?
Hey, Spencer is trying to be civil, why are you blowing him off, Jayje?
Homeland Security? Damn.
Oh god, I love Penelope’s hairstyle.
“Who can say no to me?” I know I can’t. XD I love this woman.
Yeah, if you don’t know where the bomb is gonna go kaboom, you have to contain it till the event happens and then investigate. Fuck. Otherwise everyone will panic and it would be worse.
Seattle. Oh jeez.
Did he just blow that bus up with a remote control? Fuck. That is nasty.
Maxmillien Robespierre: “Crime butchers innocents to secure a prize. And innocence struggles with all its might against the attempt of crime.” Wow, this guy is deep. Who is he?
“So Seattle is where it all began.” “We just need to figure out what it is. And off the top of my head all I can think of is grunge music and overpriced coffee.” I love you, Derek! I love you, Reid! Let’s kick this episode right. Whoo! Kidding, people are dead, let’s get straight to it.
They’re teaming up with the Seattle FBI, damn.
Wait. Derek was on bomb squad? Hot and dangerous. Love him.
So they’re trying to lure him out by stressing that the case isn’t a terror attack? Smart.
So if I wanted, I could use a remote control from a toy I bought from a toy-store, attach some explosive detonator, and kaboom? Well, fuck!
Dried peas. Hmm. Controlled explosion?
Etched on it is a robot with an arrow through it? Kind of weird. Anti technology. Damn. Time to call in my hottie.
“Hey, doll-face, ready to work some magic for me?” “Challenge me, you beautiful behavioral analyst.” Rawr, I love you too so much.
“Morgan, challenge me. Doesn’t even raise my blood pressure.” Well, hot damn.
“My loony opposites.” LOL
“Disguised young guy went crazy on a bunch of computers at a science lab, screaming, ‘we will soon be the slaves and the machines will be the masters.’ Yikes. That would totally suck for me. I’m surrounded in here …” “Come one, what are you worried about? You got me to protect you.” “Now that gets my blood up.”
Mine too, girl.
Floppy disk bombs?
“Who uses floppy disks anymore?” “Right, agent Brain, that was the point of the attack.”
Oh my god, I love the dialogue in this episode so much.
And again, that skewered robot is cropping up. Damn.
F.F.T. Brigade. Sounds pretentious and really non professional. Allegro. Made up!
What! He just blew a bomb when they were on the phone with him? Damn.
He’s brazen.
So let me get this straight, he got the name from a book depicting the takeover of machines and robots over the earth. Where the robot who was originally a guy kills his mom? Or something like that? I’m confused.
And now, apparently, the target was some dude who works on creating artificial life forms? Damn.
And he’s a total douche.
The doc is friend with the author of ‘Empty Planet’ (which is a fictitious book in this series, I love it!) and turns out that David Hansberry is a pseudonym.
“Her name, you cute little chauvinist, is Ursula Kent.” Yup. She totally just schooled Derek’s ass. I love it!
“Oh you are the light of my life, sweet lady.” “Je suis toujours ici pour toi, mon cher.” “Drives me crazy when you speak that ‘voulez coucher’ stuff to me. Stop it! Au revoir, crazy girl.” Oh my god, this little bit of dialogue just made me melt on the inside and that is something that is pretty hard to do considering I have copious amounts of fat in this lump of flesh. Lol.
Oh my god, Reid begins to explain what Dr. Cooke said and Gideon’s like, dude, I get it, don’t. I love this dynamic duo.
Goon squad? Did you just call my sweet cheeks a goon? Fuck you, Cooke!
“Ever talk to someone who wants to continually show you he’s smarter than you?” (Derek indicating Spencer) “Every day.” Hey, that’s not nice, baby. Play nice.
Spencer, you’re not helping yourself. Hahahaha oh my god I love those two.
Six? Did Reid just say he read a post-modern science-fiction novel at six? What? And did Derek just say he was still riding with training wheels when he was six? Oh my god, I just died from the cuteness.
It’ll take him 10 minutes to buy and read the book? What? He’s nuts.
………………………………………………………..
I’m sorry. I simply didn’t have the words to express what I was feeling the moment it happened.
Dr. Cooke’s car exploded when he was still in it.
I am writing as if I’m a robot right now. Because I am in shock. What the fuck did I just witness? Fuck you, loser.
Allegro. You fuckhead. I really hate you, you weirdo psycho.
Oh Reid, you clueless doodlebug.
What the fuck? Waterworks? Another bomb? Damn.
Well, a guy who has a very loose grip on reality will think a fantasy book is real. Yup. She just found out about Cooke.
Damn. At least they found the other bomb.
Another? What the fuck?
Wait. She has a necklace of the robot with an arrow through it? Oh my god.
Ooooh, if he’s pissing Derek, I don’t want to be in his shoes. Damn.
No one reads as fast as Reid. True.
Hahaha, she was just watching Reid like, what the fuck is this guy made of? Oh boy.
Wait. Another professor is being targeted? Oh no. Please. Save her. Please.
Thank goodness.
Shit. There’s a fucking bomb under her seat like Cooke’s. Fuck.
Let’s hope there’s no mercury.
What? Morgan is staying with this lady till they’re taking the bomb out and disposing of it? Oh my god, I love you Derek, but I am not ready to lose you just yet. Oh my goodness. I just fell in love. All over again.
And I know, I know Derek Morgan is a fictional character, you don’t have to explain that to me, I’m a highly-educated woman, with a bachelor’s from the Hebrew University of Jerusalem in English Literature and Linguistics, I understand there is a difference between fiction and reality; but you cannot tell me that when you watch this, you didn’t fall just that little bit more in love with Shemar and Derek.
Aww, Gideon is expressing the depth of his relationships with the team. I love you all.
Yes! She got the bomb safely! Thank the goodness of Derek’s heart. Fuck.
Wait. What? Oh I get it. They have to let him think that the whole thing was successful.
Hahahaha, Reid wanted another book. I love him.
“That was the only story I needed to tell.” That is a genius response, lady.
Wait. Is she not telling them something?
Kenneth Roberts? So she does have a student in mind.
What is going on here?
Why did she throw her book?
I don’t get it.
So I was right? Oh god. I thought I misunderstood him, but yikers.
The whole book is told from the mother’s point of view? Form Ursula’s?
So Allegro is eventually going to kill her? Oh god.
You know, he doesn’t seem that crazy right now.
Okay, now he looks dangerous.
Oh god. He is adopted and he thinks Ursula is his mom? But she gave up a baby for adoption! And he thinks he’s that baby? That was the inspiration for the book? Oh god.
Hey! Why did you hang up you crazy loon?
Oh god, he’s abducting her to finish his story? God. This guy is sick in the head.
She gave up a girl. It’s not him. It’s all for nothing. Damn.
Oh my god, he’s insane!
Oh god! He has a fucking bomb, and he’s gonna blow them both up if they do something sudden. God.
Sniper!
And she took it instead? What? Oh my god, what the fuck has she done?
Oh god, thank god it’s her shoulder. That sniper is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen in the FBI. I thought they had psych evals.
So JJ, Reid and Hotch are playing poker. Hotch goes off and tells them not to cheat, and immediately Reid looks at his cards. I love this show.
Hahahahahahhahaha
Oh my god I just died. So Reid is trying to romanticize science-fiction to JJ, and she’s like “Let me save you the time, Reid, I am never going to ComicCon with you.” Oh honey, why break my baby’s heart like that?
Gin!
She just won! Damn!
“Genius Dr. Reid let you win.” Uh huh.
Oh my god, so Derek knows what Gideon said about him? And now Gideon thinks Reid tattled, and he’s acting all innocent. I love Gubler beyond measure.
Gideon is really tough. On the outside. But on the inside he’s a mushy wittle teddy bear that I just want to squeeze and hug all the time.
God. They’re so tough on the outside that it’s hard to express emotions, and they’re so vulnerable at the same time and that’s what makes me love them even more. I love you guys so much!
Okay, so this episode really played on my fangirl emotions. I mean, really. This was just beyond unfair. So they have science-fiction involved. They have COPIOUS amounts of Penelope and Derek flirting to the point that I think I might need to set an appointment with my dentist. They blow people up like it’s just another day at the office. They put my chocolate Adonis in harm’s way and make him a hero and make me melt like butter. They show Reid’s sassy side at Gin, and they show Gideon’s soft underbelly? I just can’t with these amazing writers and actors. I just fucking can’t.
God. This episode was amazing.
Really looking forward to the next one.
#criminal minds#s02e08#empty planet#aaron hotchner#thomas gibson#jason gideon#mandy patinkin#jennifer jareau#aj cook#derek morgan#shemar moore#spencer reid#matthew gray gubler#penelope garcia#kirsten vangsness#chocolate adonis
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Reading List 6/30-7/6
Slightly more streamlined than the last, but shockingly I read less when I was actually on vacation vs when I was working, but it happens I guess.
Sharable Google Drive Link:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/19UmJxTM5wVtHKVKpE3n9iFQy4Q0P1MwD1i1eon45Nuw/edit?usp=sharing
Same List Down below
Running with the Wolves
Fandom: BNHA
Author: yuutakun
Ohhhmegaverse series
https://archiveofourown.org/series/1248581
https://archiveofourown.org/works/18262292/chapters/43215047
Summary: The tribes all shared one rule: No mating with anyone from other tribes. // Izuku lives in a tribe where omegas are sacrificed and mages are rare. // Being both these things, he carries a heavy burden // Not to mention he was about to break the one rule that had been around since ancient times
Updated 2019/7/1
5/?
Rating: E
Word: 16080
Promise Me
Fandom: BNHA
Author: Femmie
https://archiveofourown.org/works/19403938/chapters/46176517
Summary: The League of Villains attacks UA High, leaving great consequences. More specifically, they turn certain individuals back to children… How will the young heroes in training react to this sudden change? And what will happen when a misterious secret of Izuku Midoriya is uncovered?
Updated 2019/7/2
4/?
Rating: T
Words: 10801
Eternal Rivals
BNHA
Author: Mikacrispy
https://archiveofourown.org/works/19441093
Summary: Ground Zero and Deku may be married for years, but they are still one another's biggest rival. // How do they keep the competitive spirit alive? // Their arrangement is quite simple: the top hero can do whatever they want with the runner-up.
1/1
Rating: E
Words: 2553
Who Do You Think You Are
Fandom: BNHA
Author: Whack_Blight
https://archiveofourown.org/works/19441486/chapters/46271959
Summary: After their fight at ground Beta, Principal Nezu has had enough of young Bakugo and Midoriya constantly being at each other's throats, so he calls in a favor from an old friend, who has the ability to switch other's minds/bodies. But with an unknown deadline of two weeks to learn a valuable lesson, will they prove Nezu wrong and learn to appreciate one another or will they be stuck in the other's body forever? How close will the two boys get? How deep will they go? // With the help of Aizawa and Present Mic, who've gone through this experience themselves during their time at UA, can they guide them down the right path? // or // Izuku and Katsuki freak out about switching bodies, learn to use each others quirks, learn of the reserved feelings they have for one another, fall hard, smut/fluff, and ample amounts of comedic relief.
Updated 2019/7/2
3/?
Rating: E
Words: 2439
When You See Your Ghost
Fandom: BNHA
Author: Tables
https://archiveofourown.org/works/19443832
Summary: A quirk goes haywire with a new unknown ability, at the wrong time. Katsuki's past is just too painful, but they didn't need to know.
1/1
Rating: Not Rated
Words: 1712
The Big Switch (I suck at titles)
Fandom: BNHA
Author: Mimi3lliott
https://archiveofourown.org/works/19280536?view_full_work=true
Summary: Basically Bakugou and Midoriya get there bodies swapped by a villain attack and they have to live there daily lives like this for a whole week // (There is going to be relationship building)
4/4
Rating: G
Words: 5471
Feeling
Fandom: Attack on Titan
Author: ShadowIsEm
https://archiveofourown.org/works/17729216?view_full_work=true
Summary: Levi doesn't feel anything. // Eren feels everything.
Updated 2019/6/19
18/?
Rating: E
Words: 45169
The Way You Used to Do
Fandom: BNHA
Author: edema_ruh
https://archiveofourown.org/works/16392173/chapters/38369594
Summary: We're really sorry," his father says, in a teary-eyed, wobbly way. "But your friend, Izuku, he's... He's gone, son."Katsuki can do nothing but blink up at them for moments that feel like an eternity, eyes darting between both his parents in obvious confusion, disbelief, and, more than anything, indignation."What the fuck are you two talking about? The damn nerd is standing right beside you!" // During a battle, Midoriya gets hit by a villain whose quirk detaches his soul from his body. Stuck in a ghost-like state, the boy enters a race against time in order to save himself from permanently dying. Much to his luck - or lack of it -, the only person who can see and talk to him in his state is no one other than Kacchan. // Alternatively: Deku and Kacchan have their souls bound to each other.
Updated 2019/7/3
18/?
Rating: T
Words: 298724
Until You Come Back Home
Fandom: BNHA
Author: dandelion_weed
https://archiveofourown.org/series/795198
Status: OnGoing
Last Updated 2018/5/1
Works: 3
I’ve Been Looking Sad (in all the nicest places) Summary: Saturday finds Katsuki in front of Izuku's apartment, holding a box of expensive snacks for afternoon tea in one hand and Izuku’s goddamn poster in another. In his backpack are his change of clothes and toothbrush for the sleepover. He’s ready for war.---Bakugou Katsuki tries his hand at apologizing, being a better friend, and maneuvering both his life and growing feelings for Midoriya Izuku, and succeeds with extreme damage to his pride.
I See You Around (in all these empty faces) Summary: It's been three days and four hours since he's last seen Izuku. Two days and twelve hours since Izuku sent him a text message that said nothing except that he boarded a private plane in Beijing.---Izuku leaves, inevitably. Katsuki tries to keep his head above water.
Baby Here We Go Again Summary: Izuku's released three days later. At home, he didn't talk much. Sometimes he asked to be left on the veranda, alone with his thoughts. His mom gave him space without him asking for it and Izuku's never loved her more.On those days, Izuku would occasionally catch Kacchan walking home. He never looked up to see Izuku, but he knew that Kacchan knew he was there. // Kacchan was not hurt at all. He's going to enter UA and become a hero. Sometimes, Izuku hated him for it.--On Izuku.
Rating: T
Warnings:
Words: 24157
Away Childish Things
Fandom: Harry Potter
Author: lettered
https://archiveofourown.org/works/16052816/chapters/37478033
Summary: Harry gets de-aged. Malfoy has to help him.
13/13
Rating: T
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Words: 153881
The Beautiful Colorful World
Fandom: Young Justice
Author: Kiyoko18
https://archiveofourown.org/works/19409809
Summary: The first time they met, Dick’s world exploded into color. // Literally, the instant they made eye contact Dick’s black and white world exploded into a spectrum of color. It was absolutely beautiful, and he could barely take it all in. // “Can you see it too?” // Dick looked over at Kid Flash. “Yes… can you?”
1/1
Rating: Not Rated
Warning: Major Character Death
Words: 1456
Do Not Pass ‘Go’
Fandom: Sanders Sides
Author: Kittycattycat
https://archiveofourown.org/works/19439254
Summary: Now, Remus has said and done a lot of stupid shit, but this might be some of the dumbest shit he's ever considered doing before. // Still, like hell if that's gonna stop him.
1/1
Rating: T
Warnings: no archive warnings apply, author chose not to use archive warnings
Words: 705
Verisimilitude
Fandom: Young Justice
Author: Mutedmelodyx
https://www.wattpad.com/story/113167377-verisimilitudeLink
Summary: Verisimilitude: the appearance of being true or real. What if Robin didn't die in the explosion of the mothership in "Failsafe"? What if he lived out thirty years of his life in a simulation, only to be jolted awake and find that it all wasn't real? Robin struggles to overcome his demons while learning to cope and adjust to the mental torture he's been put through. [Originally posted on fanfiction.net.] [Thanks to @oracle01 for the cover]
Updated 2019/7/6
Rating: inapplicable since it’s on a different format
Warnings: inapplicable since it’s on a different format
Parts: 17
#FicRecList#fic rec list#fanfic#young justice#dick grayson#wally west#birdflash#soulmate au#failsafe au#sanders sides#remrom#remus sanders#roman sanders#harry potter#draco malfoy#drarry#deaging#hp future au#my hero academia#bakugou katsuki#izuku midoriya#bakudeku#deku doesn't inherit OFA#series au#angst#mission gone wrong au#attack on titan#eren x levi#eren jaeger#levi ackerman
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The Foxhole Court, Chapter 13 – The Rise Of Sassmaster McSavage
In which Riko gets FUCKING REKT.
Sounds good? Then it’s time for Nicki to read The Foxhole Court.
Did I say this was gonna go horribly, horribly wrong last time? Scratch that. This went awesome.
I mean, it also went horribly wrong and will probably have life-threatening consequences for all parties. But still.
Awesome.
I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s start at the beginning.
Riko took the last few steps to Kevin’s couch alone and stood over him. He was smiling, but neither Kevin nor Neil was stupid enough to think he was happy. The only look in his eyes was murder.
I’ve not had a chance to say it much lately, and I’m glad Riko is providing me with opportunity: WHAT LEVEL OF E X T R A.
“The only look in his eyes was murder”, I’m sorry, did your buy your attitude at Hot Topic or did it come with your MCR badge set?
Any animosity Neil felt toward Kevin for forcing him onto this show evaporated. He couldn’t be angry when Riko was here, not when Riko was to Kevin what Neil’s father was to him.
This line got to me, it really did. There’s something about how Neil is instantly ready to put any differences aside as soon as he notices someone else, especially someone he both dislikes and worships as much as Kevin, going through the same abuse and pain he went through. I just… *clenches fist*
Also, honestly, when will they stop being mirror images of each other. The parallels are killing me.
Kathy starts the interview and who would have fucking guessed it, I hate Riko right off the bat. Sly and sleek, he eases his way through her questions while managing to make every answer a silver knife that carves a big painful Fuck You in Kevin’s back.
Especially painful statements include, but are not limited to:
“No family is perfect” (YOU DON’T GET TO TALK ABOUT FAMILY SHITSTICK)
“We knew what was coming, that it was just a matter of time, that a lifetime’s worth of effort and sacrifice was about to pay off. Then Kevin broke his hand” (THEN YOU BROKE HIS HAND YOU SICK TWISTED ASSFACE)
“Isn’t it amazing how far he’s come this year?” “I’m not sure it is.” (IT DAMN WELL IS, GET FUCKED)
“I’m worried his wishful thinking and obsession will lead him to injure himself again. Can he recover a second time, emotionally or mentally?” (I’LL STICK YOUR WISHFUL THINKING AND OBSESSION RIGHT UP YOUR BLACK-FEATHERED UGLY ASS)
Thankfully, someone seems to be able to read my thoughts…
It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for, it’s finally time for the rise of our golden boy, the myth, the legend, the man himself:
Sassmaster McSavage Neil Josten.
(Huge thanks to apprenticedmagician for the expression. <3)
“I thought friends were supposed to cheer each other on,” he said before Kathy could answer Riko. “Believing in him now is the least you could do after completely abandoning him last winter.”
OH SHIT BOI.
Excuse me while I holler at literally everything Neil says in the next four pages.
Riko finally looked at Neil. “Mine and Kevin’s relationship is unique, and I do not expect you to understand it. Do not impress on us your petty ideas of friendship.”
‘Unique’ my fucking ass, sure it’s unique when by ‘unique’ you mean abuse to the point of objectification and domestic violence, you absolute fuckturd.
“Was unique,” Neil said and emphasized again, “Was. I’m pretty sure your relationship died when he couldn’t keep up with your team anymore.”
GET FUCKED.
“You don’t think Kevin should be on the court again, so you’ll cut him off at the pass. You’ll destroy his chance of making a comeback and make him watch as your team succeeds yet again. You’re rubbing his face in everything he’s lost, and from where I’m sitting, it looks like you’re enjoying it.”
G E T F U C K E D OH SHIT I CANNOT HANDLE THIS
“I will ask you only once to tone down that animosity.”
“I can’t,” Neil said. “I have a bit of an attitude problem.”
I am CRYING. A bit of an attitude problem, he says. A BIT OF AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM.
(Also, I know like ten of you who have that quote as your blog title, you cheeky lil trash cans. <3)
“I don’t think Neil is far off in thinking you transferred because of Kevin.”
“Kevin plays only a small role in our decision,” Riko said, “and not for the reasons this child claims.”
Tomodachi, you’re like three years older than him, maximum. Stop being so goddamn extra.
Riko continues to ooze some crap about how they can’t have Kevin play for the ravens again, but they’d love to have him back as a coach, and before I can even think up a witty reply my boy Neil pipes up again to call Sir Assface out on his bullshit.
“You wouldn’t honestly have him go back, would you? (…) Stop being so selfish,” Neil said, and Kathy gaped at him.
Same, Kathy.
“If Kevin’s dream has always been to be the best on the court, what right do you have to take it away from him? Why would you ask him to settle for less? The Foxes are giving him a chance to play whereas you would relegate him to the sidelines. He has no reason to transfer back. (…)
Maintaining a top position is far easier than starting over from the gutters. Kevin is doing that right now. He’s facing entirely new schools and learing to play with his less dominant hand. When he masters it, and he will, he’ll be better than you could have ever made him.”
Can we talk about how Neil is literally DEFENDING Kevin, live on national television, RIGHT TO HIS ABUSER’S FACE, even though he’ll probably actually murder Neil for it, because THE FUCKER DARED TO INSULT KEVIN.
If anyone’s looking for me, I’ll be at the back of the room, breathing into a bag, softly whispering "holy shit” under my breath.
Are we done yet? Have we served enough Sass™ today?
BITCH, YOU THOUGHT.
“I don’t think you’re telling Kevin to sit out because of his health. I think you know this season is going to be a disaster for your reputation. You and Kevin have always played in each other’s shadows. You’ve always been a pair. Now you have to face each other on the court as rivals for the first time, and people are finally going to know which one of you is better. They’re going to know how premature this was.” Neil gestured at his face, meaning Riko and Kevin’s tattoos. “I think you’re scared.”
FFFFUUUCKKKKK. Yes, hello 911, I’D like to report a fucking MURDER.
Not even Kathy can handle this level of savage, so she ends the interview here.
This is the point where I get up and jump around my room for a bit in order to calm down after this absolute trip.
Neil, I love you. That was the fucking dumbest thing you’ve done so far but it was also iconic on so many levels and you deserve all the awards.
Sadly, the party time is now over and it is time for shit to get real again:
Riko caught Neil by his shoulders and threw him up against a wall. Neil went rigid as they stared each other down, trapped more by the death in Riko’s eyes than the fingers leaving bruises on his shoulders. Riko had the same stare his father did: He looked at Neil and saw only flesh that knew how to bleed.
Holy hell. That’s a line. And we quickly get what is meant by that, too:
“He has potential.”
“Potential.” Riko slammed Neil against the wall again and whirled on Kevin. Kevin stared back at him, white-faced and tense. “You said that goalkeeper had potential and then wrote him off as useless when I offered him to you. You’ll get bored of this one just as quickly. Believe me.”
Riko talks about Neil as if he’s not there, more so, as if he’s a thing, something to own and to offer to people, something you can play with and the discard like a broken toy. Just these few lines of dialogue speak volumes of how Kevin was treated at Edgar Allan – and was also expected to treat other people.
No wonder homeboy is a tiny, tiny bit fucked up now.
Thankfully, Neil realizes this as well and continues his noble quest to fuck up anyone who dares trigger abuse memories in Kevin:
Neil watched Kevin wilt beneath the weight of his brother’s – no, owner’s – fury and kissed his survival instincts goodbye. He grabbed Riko’s shirt and hauled him back.
“Leave him alone.”
Forreal, are you done picking fights with a murderous Japanese mafia gang member who wants your head yet??
Did someone say picking fights?
“Riko,” Andrew said, spreading his arms as if he intended to hug Riko hello. “It’s been a while.”
Andrew has come to save the day!! It’s all my boys against Sir Bitchass Shitstick now, I approve. FUCK. HIM. UP.
“We were just talking about you,” Riko said.
“With your fists, it seems,” Andrew said. “Don’t touch my things, Riko. I don’t share.”
See, this is what I find interesting. I don’t really mind it when Andrew talks like that about Kevin and Neil, yet when Riko does it I want to rip his ugly ass head off. Maybe it’s because I know that in Andrew’s case, it’s possessiveness with good intentions, and in Riko’s case, it’s actual domestic abuse. Still. Don’t quite know what to make of it.
In other – and better – news: Wymack!
“When I said Abby and I would look out for you, I didn’t mean you should pick a fight on national television,” Wymack said. “Should I have spelled out that beforehand?”
“Probably” Neil said.
(…)
“I am going to drop you off at the dorm and spend the rest of the day drinking.”
What a sass queen, also #relatable, also I love Wymack so so so much kbye. #dicksoutforwymack #alchoholoutforwymack
They get back to campus and before this glorious chapter can end, it’s time for some quality Andreil time. Neil finds Andrew in his room where he apparently punched a hole in a window, no biggie.
“You could have destroyed your hand with a stunt like that,” Neil said.
“Andrew laughed. “Oh my, where would I be then?”
“Off the team,” Neil said. “Where would Kevin be then?”
Ohh, snap. This has got to be after-effects from the talk show sass explosion still.
Andrew, however, is not in the mood for anything funny. His gears are set less to Fun Banter Time With The Boyfriend and much more to Dramatic And Sinister, This Is No Joke, Seriously I Punched A Fucking Window Out Of Anger For You Just Now:
“[Riko]’ll look for a way to get back at you, and it won’t take him long to see how cold your trail is. (…) What will you do when he finds out? Run?”
“You know I will.”
“I know,” Andrew agreed. “I can see it. You’ve got that look in your eyes that says you know exactly where every exit to this dormitory is.”
Speaking from experience, my dude?
I know I like to talk about how much I like parallels between Kevin and Neil, but honestly, when flashes of similarities like this between Andrew and Neil pop up I’m just as happy.
However, Andrew seems to be the only one who’s clearly aware of the fact that we’ve just reached the first crucial point of no return in this series.
“Don’t you understand? Running was only an option when no one was looking. (…) You should have left before you insulted Riko in front of all his adoring fans. Now you can’t go. Riko wants to know who defied him, and he’ll get his answers. You can’t outrun your past anymore.”
Bless this boy and his awareness of The Plot™. <33
And then, this happens:
“Kevin wants to make you a star, so let him. Take what he is giving you and make it your shield. It’s hard to kill a man when everyone’s eyes are on him. Make them love you, make them hate you, I don’t care. Just make them look at you. You have one year to figure it out,” Andrew said, putting a finger in Neil’s face. “For one year, I’ll stand between you and the Moriyamas if you stand at Kevin’s side.”
This is it. I can tell, this is it, you guys. The fun exposition party’s over, now it’s time for the real plot. This is what’s happening now, this is the premise for the books to come, we’re doing this, and there is no going back.
Fucking fuck yes.
“You gave your game to Kevin. Give your back to me.”
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES.
It’s getting LIT, fam, things are HAPPENING and shit is getting the eff REAL.
Bring on the last chapter.
#tfc#the foxhole court#aftg#all for the game#nora sakavic#nicki reads tfc#I'm on time!!!!!! A miracle!!!!!!!#LAST CHAPTER SOON YOU GUYS WTH#this went by so fast#glad to see the plot is finally picking up speed as well#yay times ten
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50 wrestling questions
I answer these burning questions here, below the cut:
1. What got you into wrestling?
I don’t really know. I’ve gone through three phases of being a wrestling fan in my life. The earliest was probably just because all the other kids in the neighborhood liked wrestling, and I was a people-pleaser even then, so I wanted to fit in. I remember the older kids like AWA or NWA because they were “real,” while us littl’uns thrilled to the exploits of Hulkster Hogan in the WWF. I like nothing else that I enjoyed as a child, not the movies or the TV shows or the books or whatever, so there was something about wrestling that stuck with me.
2. What is your favorite wrestling promotion?
ECW, if I’m being honest. A lot of that stuff has not held up well, but I got into it at the perfect age, when a lot of my friends were getting into it, and I have very fond memories bound up with ECW. For better and for worse, the most influential American wrestling company of the last 30 years.
3. Favorite male wrestler of all time?
Gorgeous George, but if we’re talking about people who were alive when I was alive, then Dusty Rhodes.
4. Favorite female wrestler of all time?
The Fabulous Moo- no. I don’t know. I don’t have the background in Japanese grappling that would allow me to make an informed answer here. Women’s wrestling in the USA was pretty terrible between the mid-1950s and the mid-2000s, and I mostly know American stuff. Let’s say Gail Kim, though.
5. Favorite current male wrestler?
Joey Janela
6. Favorite current female wrestler?
Su Yung, obvs
7. Favorite theme song?
"Psycho Killer,” when that was Ciampa’s theme song. One of my favorite wrestling memories is Americanrana ‘16, when the PA system died and the crowd sang the song a capella for his entrance. If we’re talking songs written specifically as wrestling entrance music, then Steve Austin’s music. With Shawn Michael’s “Sexy Sexy Boy Ooh La La” or whatever it’s called as a close second. That song makes me laugh every time I hear it.
8. Least favorite theme song?
I hated Ballz Mahoney’s ECW theme song, it just encouraged the worst meathead elements of the crowd, and it always heralded a crummy match. For wrestling-specific theme songs, Lana’s, while new, is almost unbelievably shitty. It’s like incidental music from an episode of “Night Court” where they go to a jazz club.
9. Favorite gimmick?
Gorgeous George, which is still being imitated to this day. Again, if we’re talking about people who were alive when I was alive, the Road Warriors. They were almost 100 percent gimmick, and they were massive stars for years. They were the only non-WWF guys us WWF-loving kids would buy action figures for, because their look was so good.
10. Least favorite gimmick?
It’s hard to choose from all the racist and gay-hating gimmicks that have been used over the years. By sullying the image of the immortal Prince Rogers Nelson, fucking Velveteen Dream is making an impressive run for this designation right now.
11. Best entrance (either their usual entrance or a special one, like a Wrestlemania entrance)?
Again, Gorgeous George had the best entrance of all time, it was 70 percent of his act and it made him a fortune, and everyone has copied it since. In terms of more recent stuff, I liked the Sandman’s entrance. It was 90 percent of his act. Pretty much everything Sandman did except his entrance was so-so to terrible, if we’re being honest.
12. Best Undertaker Wrestlemania match?
The one where he got his ass beat by the savage god Roman Reigns
13. Most overrated?
The Undertaker. I acknowledge that he made a massive, unthinkable success out of a truly ludicrous, sub-Memphian gimmick, but he was never a real draw, and I was never a big fan of his at any point in his career. Maybe no one in WWE history benefited more from protective booking, where he was always billed as an unstoppable, supernatural monster even when he had a mid-life crisis and decided he wanted to be a motorcycle man instead.
14. Most underrated?
Pretty much anyone who had their entire careers, or the bulk of their careers, prior to the 1980s and the attendant explosion in wrestling’s popularity. It’s hard to properly rate someone like Nick Bockwinkel, when so much of his best work was done in the 1970s, let alone Gorgeous George or Buddy Rogers. Of guys since then, I’ll say Ted DiBiase, who is fixed in the public mind as the cackling rich guy caricature, but who was a phenomenally talented wrestler who could effortlessly pull off being a charismatic babyface or a cheating, despicable shitheel. Ted’s Mid-South run is amazingly good stuff.
15. Have you ever been to an event? If so, which one?
I have been to many pro wrestling shows. Last year I averaged three per month, which is, I’ll have you know, Too Much Wrestling Shows. My mother took me to my very first one, and since she died when I was five, I must have been very young indeed. I remember almost nothing about it, except that Bob Backlund was there.
Since then, I’ve been to a lot of ECW shows, including the 2000 Living Dangerously PPV with the famously hideous New Jack scaffold bump; many WWE shows, ranging from Raw and Smackdown episodes to house shows to Backlash 2003, where Goldberg met the Rock in the ring FOR THE FIRST TIME ANYWHERE; and lots and lots of indie shows, which are my favorite. I’ve sort of limited my show-going this year to Beyond Wrestling, Blitzkrieg Pro, and Northeast Wrestling, and I don’t go to all of their shows.
In the late 1990s and early 2000s I used to go to shows with big crews of friends, but these days it’s usually me and one or two other people, or sometimes just me. It turns out most people my age are not down to drive to West Warwick, R.I. to see Zack Sabre Jr vs. JT Dunn! I enjoy it, though, it’s been a nice thing to have in my life at a time when there isn’t much else going on.
16. Who has the best merch?
The Young Bucks have something for every aesthetic.
17. Do you own any merch?
Yeah, I mean, too much. T-shirts, 8 x 10s, DVDS, loads of old wrestling magazines. I have a Young Bucks foam “Too Sweet” hand. I have a little plaster sculpture of AJ Lee where she’s a zombie, because WWE Shop was selling it for five dollars. I’m a disgrace, as a grown adult man.
18. Best nickname?
"The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes.
19. Worst nickname?
I’ve always thought “The Cerebral Assassin” was the dumbest goddamn nickname. Is the assumption here that assassins are typically stupid?
20. Best mic skills?
Bobby Heenan. He could do screaming and angry, he could do calm and menacing, he could do blustering and funny. He had the timing of a professional comedian and the verbal dexterity of the Midwest’s best used car salesman. People hated this man so much that a member of a Chicago crowd shot a pistol at him.
21. Most annoying?
All-time: The Ultimate Warrior. Currently: Bray Wyatt.
22. Most attractive male?
Roman Reigns. The WWE is leaving money on the table by having him wrestling in a shirt/vest and long pants.
23. Most attractive female?
I really like Hikaru Shida’s complex aesthetic, which combines “hard-hitting Japanese wrestling” with “elaborate theatrical strangeness” and “Hey, check out my ass.”
24. Favorite faction?
The first two incarnations of the Four Horsemen. If pressed, I prefer the Flair/Arn/Tully/Windham lineup.
25. Worst faction?
It’s easy to pick one of the five million here-and-gone WWE factions like the Union (ugh) or the Social Outcasts or the League of Nations, but they didn’t really last long enough, or have enough of an impact, to be truly wretched. Same deal with, like, the Aces & Eights: they just stunk up TNA, which was already bad to begin with. The answer is the nWo, from January, 1998 onwards: until that point they had been the most compelling thing about American wrestling, but after that they became a bloated, tedious, airtime-gobbling monstrosity that helped drag WCW down into depths it never recovered from.
26. Best ring gear?
Su Yung and Penta El Zero Miedo. I like the spooky stuff.
27. Who do you think would be the nicest in real life?
I’ve had very few interactions with wrestlers beyond the standard “Hey, great match, how much is that DVD,” but among those I have had more substantive encounters with, JT Dunn, Swoggle, Gangrel, Su Yung, and Santana Garrett stand out as particularly nice. I’ve also heard people from all walks of life praising Little Guido as the nicest dude around, and universal praise is vanishingly rare in pro wrestling. I like to imagine Kevin Owens is a good egg.
28. Who would be the rudest in real life?
Like anyone else, I’ve Heard Things, but I haven’t had a really bad encounter with a wrestler beyond this one guy who works local indie shows and who is a rude chud in real life. It seems unfathomable to me that Matt Riddle is the kind of person I’d want to share a cab ride to the airport with, but maybe that’s just the strength of his brand working.
29. Favorite heel?
The Dudley Boys in ECW. I legitimately hated them, and bought tickets in the hopes of seeing them get their asses beaten.
30. Most hardcore?
I bet the real answer to this is like the answer to the great “Who is the most legit tough guy” question that everyone asks. Like, it’s someone we’d never suspect. It’s not Nick Gage, it’s Eva Marie. That woman has seen some shit that would turn your hair white, I bet. I honestly don’t know the answer to this. Probably a guy in Japan who blew himself up in a volcano.
31. A wrestler you could beat?
At wrestling? Absolutely none of them. Eva Marie would destroy me, Goldberg style. It’s like sports: the worst fucking guy on the worst fucking NBA team would beat the best pickup player in your town by a hundred points in a one-on-one matchup. Once-a-monthers who have office jobs and still wrestle in singlets and are 30 pounds overweight could put me in a coma without breaking a sweat. But what about ... trivia regarding papal history? Ah, now the worm has turned, Eva Marie! You’re on my turf now.
32. Best story line?
Have to agree with Tape Machines, it’s the Freebirds vs. the Von Erichs
33. Biggest missed opportunity for a story line?
The WCW Invasion angle didn’t work for a lot of reasons, and some of those reasons were probably beyond WWE’s control, but holy shit did they bungle what could have been a gigantic machine that spit out money.
34. Worst story line?
I can’t pick just one. The 1990s were an absolute golden era of terrible storylines, from Cactus Jack getting amnesia and thinking he was a sea captain to the terrible saga of Katie Vick. I’ll say the Chuck and Billy storyline, because it somehow managed to be insulting to people who had never heard of wrestling in their lives.
35. Which wrestler should turn heel?
Matt Riddle. I mean, I guess he is a heel, in the sense that his act today is the exact same as it was when he was breaking into the business in 2015 and was hated by indie audiences. He hasn’t done anything differently, but the smug choads from the Internet Wrestling Community have decided he is their savior because they can chant the syllable “bro” in public.
36. Which wrestler should turn face?
Kevin Owens. I’d love to see what he could do as a fearless asskicker with witheringly sarcastic putdowns on the microphone.
37. Who would be the worst to room with?
If you’ve ever had close friends or relatives with drug problems, you know the answer to this is Jake Roberts. On a more lighthearted note, sharing an apartment with the Ultimate Warrior would have been a mindbending ordeal, since he was pretty much like that all the time.
38. Who would be the best to room with?
Candice LeRae is a former professional baker, so as a fat guy, I would be very happy to be the person she tests out new cakes and stuff on. But most contemporary wrestlers are people obsessed with the gym, video games, and meal prep, so calibrate your roommate expectations based on those parameters.
39. Who would be your best friend if you were a wrestler?
I like to imagine it would be Kevin Owens, and I would constantly joke about him betraying me like he always does with best friends, until finally he’d stop responding to my texts. AND THEN I’D KNOW.
40. What would your job be in a wrestling promotion?
I would be styled as “Engagement Director for New & Emerging Media and Content Outreach,” and my job would be taking tickets at the door, applying wristbands to people old enough to drink, and keeping my fucking mouth shut when the wrestlers were hanging around.
41. Favorite wrestling podcast/Youtube channel?
AIW’s “The Card is Going to Change” is the best wrestling podcast in the world. I recommend it to people who don’t even like wrestling, mostly because it’s three dudes telling picaresque tales about restaurants getting trashed and bizarre exploits in northern Ohio. Their recent episode about being paid to put on a show for a child’s 10th birthday is amazing. My favorite wrestling YouTube channel currently is Rassle Reel, which is constantly uploading obscure shit from the 1970s and 1980s.
42. Favorite finisher?
Mr. Perfect’s Perfectplex, a thing of artistic beauty
43. Least favorite finisher?
The Pedigree
44. Favorite match?
Taz vs Sabu at Barely Legal in 1997
45. Favorite PPV?
I’ll always have a soft spot for the first Survivor Series, which is the first PPV I ever watched (we didn’t order it; the neighbors did, and a bunch of us crowded into their den to watch). I don’t know if the first Starrcade was technically a PPV, but that’s one I can watch over and over.
46. Guilty pleasure wrestler?
I don’t like the concept of guilty pleasures, but if we mean which wrestler do I like that some vague critical consensus insists I should hate, I’ll say Honky Tonk Man.
47. Favorite submission?
THE KATA HA JIME, otherwise known as the Tazmission.
48. Most entertaining to watch?
Randy Savage
49. Best spot?
Anyone spitting mist into the unsuspecting eyes of their foes
50. Who do you most respect?
I respect you, booker man.
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Double Time (11/24)
Disclaimer: Red vs Blue and related characters are the property of Rooster Teeth.
Warnings: Language, Canon-typical violence
Pairings: Tuckington, Chex
Rating: T
Synopsis: [Hero Time Sequel] After the events of Hero Time, the city and Blood Gulch are prepared for the true return of superheroes in a big way. But while Washington is attempting to adjust to a new relationship and a new living arrangement, the call of new heroes and a new mayor mean major changes for his professional life as well as his personal one. How will the balance of values fare when his new partners come to test everything he’s made of.
A/N: Long time no see, I apologize so much but I needed to take some time for a really tough situation and it brought me back to a thunder, hopefully giving you something enjoyable in the process!
Special thanks to @analiarvb, @secretlystephaniebrown, @notatroll7, @thepheonixqueen, @ashleystlawrence, @a-taller-tale, @mercuryblacksleg, @thesolesurvivormichael, @icefrozenover, @washingtonstub, and Yin on AO3 and tumblr for the wonderful feed back! I truly appreciate it more than you know.
Young Just Us
There was an ache to his bones and his joints that was leading Washington to wonder what sort of side effects his miraculous healing thanks to Doctor Grey may have had that she had neglected to inform him of. Or, at the very least, that she had informed him of but was lost in the quick speed at which every other bit of information she had given him and Tucker.
Which was also making him regret telling the doctor that it was fine to share confidential information with Tucker in the room since, well...
“It’s too early for you to be out there! Did you forget that you almost died? That that Locus dude is still on the loose? Oh my god, you want me to just stand on the sidelines through all of this like some dudesel in distress! Joke’s on you, Wash! I’m no Church!”
A certain headache was growing right between Washington’s eyes that was making him reconsider the importance of everything.
“From my understanding, Church had some helpful advice to give and a few inventions,” Wash mused, crossing another rooftop despite having to hold a phone to his ear.
“Did you just say I’m lower than Church?” Tucker asked hysterically. “I’m... wow, I’m beyond offended.”
“And if that’s what I had meant, you should be. Fortunately for all of us, I actually was--” Wash stopped talking when he saw the next checkpoint coming up. “Tucker, I have to get back to this. You can yell at me later.”
“Oh, boy, can I yell at you later. I have enough in me to yell at you for the rest of the week!” he all but threatened.
“Right, love you too,” Wash said, pulling his phone away to hang up just as he could barely hear Tucker say What did you just say--
As much as he hated hanging up on Tucker (which he honestly didn’t under the circumstances but it was easier to tell himself that), Washington had other responsibilities to attend to.
Like the sound of polka music gradually increasing from the distance with minor explosions and a few street lamps falling over not far behind it.
Starring expectantly at the distance, Wash took a deep breath and checked the time.
Slower and just as destructive.
It was like they hadn’t been running this drill for weeks or something. Washington, with all his aches and groans in check, was slowly losing his patience with the young recruits.
... and with the gleefulness the Reds took in causing more damage than absolutely necessary for their drills. But that was another battle for another time.
Seeing the Reds’ jeep rounding the corner and coming onto the end street with his pupils nowhere in sight, Washington took drastic action and leaped down from the rooftop.
Aimed just right, Wash managed to land right between Grif and Simmons and onto the front console, causing the two to scream like banshees before realizing it was him.
“Whoo, Wash! You sure know how to make an entrance!” Donut called from the back before turning toward Sarge. “Sarge! Load me up.”
“Firecracker engaged,” Sarge said gleefully before planting said firecracker in Donut’s hand.
“Wait!” Wash called out only to be drowned out by Donut’s screams of fire! before lobbing the firecracker. “Okay that’s enough! Too much public damage for one night!”
“You said that tonight we weren’t stopping until those young’uns finally put an end to our reign on the streets themselves!” Sarge reminded him, beginning to hand another firecracker toward Donut.
“Yeah, which we basically took as free range from now ‘til the end of eternity,” Simmons added.
“Your call, dude,” Grif reminded Wash. “And if you dented anything in my car for cool points swear to god I’ll instruct my sister to make Tucker’s shifts living hell for the next few weeks. We’ll see who’s got the best payback--”
“Yeah, that’s going to be a real change up from what’s going on right now,” Wash remarked. “And I’m going back on my word. This ends now before the entire block goes up in smoke.”
And with that pronouncement, he grabbed the firecracker from Sarge’s hand and grabbed the gear shift and put them in park, which nearly sent all of them flying.
“Holy shit, what the fuck, that was the dumbest, what the fuck, you’re trying to tear up my car, fuck fuck!” Grif cried out.
“Please, your fifth member is a mechanic,” Wash responded, breaking the firecracker over his knee as he jumped out of the car. He then did a full double take on the team. “Wait... where is Lopez?”
“Señor Brown in public, Fancypants Hero!” Sarge barked back. “We use codenames in this crew.”
“Right, whatever, where is he?” Wash demanded.
“On a daaaate,” Donut said gleefully. “I’m so proud of him. He’s come so far!”
“Alright, enough of this,” Wash said, waving his hand and walking toward the street where the out of breath heroes were coming their way.
The young heroes nearly tripped over themselves as they cam barreling toward the Reds and Wash. Almost immediately, however, upon seeing Wash they all stumbled to a halt, grabbing their knees and heaving.
“So... so close...” Jensen gasped. She then flinched with the others as Palomo wheezed and hit the pavement in a massive body flop.
Wash temporarily glanced toward Palomo before looking to the rest of them. “No. You weren’t close. You weren’t even in the same ballpark as close and we’ve been running these drills repeatedly for over a week now.”
“Blargh!” Junior argued, the only one seemingly not out of breath.
“No excuses,” Wash argued, holding up his hand to stop the rest from joining in. “There is something about the dynamic of this team that needs to be tweaked. Something small, that if changed, would make the difference between mediocrity and excellence in your futures.”
Palomo, pushing himself up off the pavement, tilted his head in enthusiastic surprise. “You think we’re mediocre now!?”
“No,” Wash said with a scowl. “You’re on the road toward being that way.”
Bitters glanced to the rest of the team and then back to Wash. “Okay, I can’t be the only one who finds that insulting, right? I mean, I know we suck, but what kind of teacher admits it to us out loud?”
“The best!” Andersmith called out excitedly.
“Me,” Wash answered more directly.
“Who is the best!” Andersmith continued.
“Well, if we’re on the road to mediocrity... isn’t mediocrity like halfway to decency? So can’t we just continue on it?” Palomo asked curiously.
“No, that’s not how we’re doing this,” Wash said. “We need direction. We need--”
“A leader.”
The voice sent a shock through them all, causing everyone to turn on their heels to face its origin. And, sure enough, Wash found himself facing his former saver and apparent fellow city hero, Felix. Smiling wide and invitingly.
“How did you sneak up on us?” Wash demanded.
“Guess all you attention was directed elsewhere,” Felix shrugged as he walked closer to the young heroes. “Happens. Anyway, is this the young heroes that Kimball was telling me about? Training them up or something? Heard it was her idea. Guess your retirement was more eminent than I realized. You should’ve let me know if we’re going to be partners here, Washy.”
Washington couldn’t help the way his nose curled. “Washy? Really?”
Felix didn’t seem to even acknowledge the comments as he strolled over to where the young heroes were finally getting to their feet. They seemed more than impressed with his appearance, and were even bothering to dust themselves off and smile at him.
“Say, you know what this team is really lacking that would make all the difference in the world?” Felix asked.
“I was about to explain to them the new training regiment that would address that,” Wash said thinly. “Confidence-building exercises which will independently aid their growing comfort with their own powersets so they can learn new applications of them.”
“Ugh, so long and so boring,” Felix laughed. “We don’t know how quickly these natural-born heroes will be needed! It could be tomorrow!” The young ones gasped. “It could be today!” They gasped even louder. “We have to have the men prepared, don’t we?”
“Um, and lady,” Jensen piped up with a timid hand up as if she was in a kindergarten classroom.
“There are no immediate preps for becoming a superhero,” Wash argued. “And these kids are not going into the field any time soon.”
“What!?” the kids all cried out at once while Junior honked.
“You’re the barrier for entry?” Felix snorted before giving an exaggerated smile to the kids. “I think the whole country saw why that’s not exactly a high bar.”
Feeling the twitch return to his eye, Wash got in Felix’s face. “Right? And what exactly is your idea that would get things turned out sooner?”
“What you need here,” Felix said, rubbing his chin as he looked over the group, “Is a leader. And who better to be the leader than your most promising future hero?”
Everyone straightened up, delight in their eyes, but Wash could see that Felix’s gaze was only on one junior hero.
And that junior hero happened to be Junior.
Wash tilted his chin back. “Oh no.”
#writing#rvb fic#RvB: Hero Time#RvB: Double Time#Tuckington#Agent Washington#Lavernius Tucker#Franklin Delano Donut#Dexter Grif#Dick Simmons#Colonel Sarge#Tucker Junior#Felix#Charles Palomo#John Elizabeth Andersmith#Katie Jensen#Antoine Bitters
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Which one of the babylon 5 messes with a woman’s body when a child is in the womb so that the child comes out fucked up?
Which one plans out terrorist attacks in their heads and calls themselves a muse AT THE SAME TIME, giving people a whole bunch of bad ideas for psychobabble press like “canola oil gives cancer” so they can have just one more day to fuck with people using Satan so that they can grow cancer in a person they are jealous of while SLANDERING THAT PERSON USING THEIR PACK OF RABID “FLYING MONKEY” KIDS AND GRANDKIDS.
Which one makes plans to covers up the terrorist attacks using the American media/intimidating news organizations to put out a bunch of fabricated lies by blaming people that didn’t do anything FOR MADNESS THAT THEY (THE WOOD FAMILY) CREATED? PEOPLE THAT ARE TARGETED FOR THEIR ETHNIC BACKGROUND, THEIR LOOKS, THEIR SOCIAL STATUS, THEIR BELIEF IN GOD, and are at your mercy and you KNOW THAT AND YOU SHOW THEM NO MERCY, THEN you walk around so proud of your family like you are the second comings of Christ?
WHICH ONE SITS IN INNOCENT PEOPLE AND GETS THEM TO FLIP THE FUCK OUT ON THEIR KIDS, THEIR SPOUSES, PLANTS PARANOID IDEAS IN ORDER TO GET A WEAK A VOLATILE PERSON TO SHOOT UP A CHURCH OR A SCHOOL OR BOMB A BUILDING?
Which one breaks up happy homes to fulfill their lustful desires while operating with a jealous and sadistic nature that ends in heartbreak and as the surviving members of a family are left to pick up the pieces, you skip away laughing like the monster pile that your are?
YOUR WHOLE FAMILY IS THE MEXICAN CARTEL MIXED WITH THE LCN ITALIAN MAFIA MIXED WITH THE TRENCHCOAT MAFIA MIXED WITH THE UNIBOMBER MIXED WITH MUSLIM EXTREMISTS (“TALIBAN”, “AL QUEDA”) MIXED WITH THE MOST VIOLENT MEMBERS OF THE BLOODS AND THE CRIPS MIXED WITH MUSSOLINI, HARIHOTO, AND HITLER, AND EVERY CULT LEADER AND SERIAL KILLER OF THE 20TH AND 21ST CENTURY. AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN SHOW SIGNS OF SLOWING DOWN WHEN JEFFREY DALHMER, JOHN GACY, AILEEN WOURNOS AND RICHARD RAMIREZ SHOW UP AS HARBINGERS.
STOP MESSING WITH DEMONS YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL BECAUSE YOU MISLEAD THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYBODY ACTING LIKE ARE GOOD PEOPLE IN PUBLIC. WHAT WAS WHITE SUPREMACY TO YOUR FAMILY OF NONSENSICAL FUCKS ANYWAYS? BEING THAT EVIL AND DIABOLICAL THAT YOU COULD GET AWAY WITH MURDER WHILE ACTING LIKE TOTAL ANGELS IN PUBLIC YET HAVE THE NETWORKING CAPABILITIES WITHIN THE BROOD YOU POPPED OUT OF YOUR NAZI CROTCHES TO INTIMIDATE PEOPLE INTO LYING ABOUT ETHIC GROUPS THAT YOU DEEM INFERIOR? IF SO, THERE IS A REASON A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO WERE ONCE VERY CULTURALLY BIAS ARE CHANGING THEIR MINDS, BECAUSE YOUR GRANDKIDS 6 MONTH LONG SKIT IN MY HOUSE WAS LIKE A DRAWN-OUT EPISODE OF “DUMBEST CRIMINALS EVER”.
AND THE TRUTH IS LEFT UNANSWERED. ALL WE KNOW FOR CERTAIN IS I’M GOING TO TELL THE TRUTH, AND THE MORE I KNOW, THE LESS AFRAID THE PUBLIC IS.
YOU WANTED TO ERASE ONE SIDE OF MY FAMILY AND THE FOGLIA FAMILY IS VERY VERY LARGE AND THERE ARE A LOT OF LAST NAMES EVEN IF I CANNOT FIND ANY INFORMATION. The last name is very common in Italy. AND YOU WANTED TO SILENCE THE OTHER HALF. AND YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW THE FULL EXTENT OF MY FAMILY TREE PAST MY GRANDPARENTS SO PLEASE STOP BECAUSE THE WHOLE WORLD IS WATCHING.
I WILL NOT ALLOW THIS TO CONTINUE ANOTHER DAY, I WILL BE THE BIGGEST EXAMPLE OF SELF-IMMOLATION, LIKE A TIBETAN MONK (SETTING HIMSELF ON FIRE STANDING UP FOR TIBETAN FREEDOM). IF ANY OF YOU ARE ALLOWED TO USE SATANISM EVEN ONE MORE MINUTE, WHEN I LIGHT MYSELF ON FIRE IN MY FINAL MOMENTS SO YOUR GREAT-GREAT-GREAT GRANDKIDS CAN’T COME INTO MY HOUSE WHEN I AM ON MY DEATHBED AND ARE ALLOWED TO TORTURE PEOPLE WATCHING WHO ARE IN GREAT FEAR OF YOUR SATANIC POWERS BY FORCING THEM TO WATCH ANOTHER “PUPPET SHOW” HOUR WHERE YOU PISS AND SHIT ON MY DEAD BODY WHILE FORNICATING WITH IT, AND THEN HOIST ME UP LIKE A PUPPET WITH YOU ARM SHOVED UP MY ASS AND GET ME TO TALK LIKE A LAMB CHOP PUPPET. EVEN IF I HAVE TO PLANT A PLASTIC EXPLOSIVE UP MY ASS THAT DETONATES THE MOMENT I GET MANHANDLED TO TAKE YOU ALL OUT, OR MAYBE I’LL HAVE A BUTTON ON A BRACELET THAT DETONATES AS I CAN PUSH WITH MY FINAL DYING BREATH THAT BLOWS UP THE BED I AM LAYING IN. WHATEVER IT TAKES, WE RESPECT THE BODIES OF THE DEAD. THE 60+ YEAR CONTINUATION OF “NANCYannE HITLER’S DEATH CAMP EXTRAVAGANZA” and i’m sorry, 5 billion people out there watching…. one of the wood death camp guards is calling me off to bed now through my robot parents. maybe we can get God to do something about this by the end of the week through the power of prayer. Maybe God will have mercy on all of us and take away Satanism completely for a while, so warlocks using mind control and growing cancers in a person’s body will no longer be picked up by anything and we can all live in peace. I would advise everyone to watch out for actual crackheads when all this is over though, as the crackheads of yesteryear will no longer be children of God as they are either dead now or recovered and praying right now, but rather all the people that used to take huge hits off of the pipe through their victims, and leave the victims thinking “hey…. what happened to my hit? I haven’t smoked in 6 months and I felt nothing from that at all”. People that are at that level of depravity and in denial about their addictions will be the first ones to run up in your house looking for money and items to pawn, and they won’t think twice about it because their lack of remorse and their respect for their fellow man went out the window the day that they denied God.
YOU GUYS ARE NOT GOING TO BE TRAVELING ABROAD TO THE HOMES OF PEOPLE I NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO MEET IN MY FAMILY BECAUSE YOU MURDERED THEM AND THEN HAD THIS BRILLIANT IDEA OF “AIR D&D FREE REAL ESTATE” TO SHIT ON INNOCENCE AND LAUGH IN THE FACE OF GOD WITH ABSOLUTELY NO REPERCUSSIONS IT IS SO INSULTING AND HIDEOUS. I HATE TREACHERY AND I HATE PEOPLE THAT INTENTIONALLY MISLEAD OTHERS.
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I have finals tomorrow, so I’m drunk and watching Rotten Tomatoes’ worst movie EVAR
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever has a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes with 116 critic reviews. It starts off with a few minutes of the blandest rock 2002 had to offer, over opening credits blaming “KAOS” as its director.
A woman has her child taken away and she can only muster an unconvincing shrug. Now someone is beating people up over record scratches.
I can’t believe this guy’s name is actually “Ecks.” Just call him “X.” Make him “Agent X.” Otherwise it looks like someone saying “XD” ironically. Another person is named “Bins,” so they clearly chose names by throwing darts at manly phonemes.
Ecks walks through the rain while clips play from that episode of Mythbusters where they blew up a car for no reason.
Lucy Liu is keeping a kid in a hamster cage. My roommate walked in on me pantsless to give me my bike key back, so I missed some conversation on a bridge. This FBI guy is telling a guy to commit suicide, and bongos are playing. It’s really disconcerting.
“His nickname: Prince of Darkness.” That’s the bullshit you get when you let someone pick their own nickname. Blah, blah, someone tried making the perfect human assassin and gave up and made death-robots instead. Now they’re watching Lucy Liu beat people up and also I might be misunderstanding this but I think they talked about China’s One-Child-Policy for some reason. Ecks must find Lucy Liu, playing Sever, a name so dumb I don’t want to use it.
Ecks pops some pills. His partner asks, “Is that why they call you Ecks?” He responds, “I’m on a diet.” I don’t know what that means, so I still hate his name. Is this an ecstasy thing, maybe? It never comes up again.
Some thugs try to capture Lucy Liu by putting a gun to her back in a public place and shouting “Freeze!” Why would you do that? That is the dumbest way to kidnap someone possible, outside this video of a guy at a concert who just tries to lead a singer offstage.
It took me a while to set up that link, and I missed an action scene, but I don’t care. Lucy Liu is shooting a minigun in slo-mo. Sure.
Now Ecks warns someone over walkie-talkie to leave a crime scene before they got shot, and then the guy gets shot. Then Ecks appears on scene. Why were you using walkie-talkies? You were like ten feet away from one another.
Ecks and Sever fight until they look like they’re about to kiss. Then they fall down a building, and it’s really hard to figure out where they are in reference to one another.
“My daughter asked why you look so sad. I told her it’s because you got beat up by a girl.” Thanks, dude, great. Also, I think Ecks looks sad because Ecks is a one-note character with no depth.
Lucy looks at computer-plans for the death-robot. It looks like a dopey sea-turtle. She zooms into a person’s arm, and there’s a sea-turtle-death-robot in someone’s blood? It’s the kid’s arm, I think. The kidnapped kid has the sea-turtle-death-robot inside him.
Pausing over some computer stuff, Lucy Liu is described as “Orphan Class Werewolf Grade Wet Design Prime.” It also references the Sword of Damocles, and since her character is named Sever, this is officially the only clever thing in the film. And it’s literally blink-and-you-miss-it.
Lucy looks up Ecks’ profile, too. He has survivors guilt because his partner died in a car-bomb. We’d better get him running towards a car shouting “NOOOOO” by the end of this.
A phone conversation with Lucy Liu and the bad guy, Gant, tells us the death-robo-turtle is totally in the kid’s blood. Gant put it there, because evil scientists always do this kind of stuff to their kid. You know? Shit.
“You promised me this would never happen.” This? Specifically? A child-kidnapping because he had a sea-turtle-death-robot in his blood? Who promises to their spouse that their child will never be kidnapped? That’s a red flag, at best.
Lucy takes some time aiming a rocket-launcher from a high-way overpass, and all the cars are like “okay” until she fires it. Then like twenty seconds of explosions occur, and I don’t think they’re even close to any of the characters. It’s just explosions.
Ecks confronts Sever and gets his ass handed to him, and Sever is like “your only character trait is you care about your wife, right? Gant has her!” but I thought that was clear from the beginning. Gant is the evil guy behind everything, including sea-turtle-death-robots, and we’re supposed to be surprised he’s behind that dangling subplot, as well?
The kid Lucy Liu is keeping in a hamster cage thanks her for bringing him food. His food tray had macaroni and cheese, jello, and a Hostess Pastry, so I guess I’d be thanking my captors, too, if they kept me in a hamster cage but at least fed me decently. Still, this isn’t making Sever a likable character. She kidnapped this kid, it’s a little difficult to pull off a heartwarming moment between them.
“If you don’t want to do this, then quit!” “I can’t it’s my job.” THAT’S WHY SHE’S TELLING YOU TO QUIT. Gosh, Ecks, come ON. But it’s turning out that the kid in the hamster cage is Ecks’ son? I think? And they showed the car explosion, but there was no running up shouting “NOOOOO” so it hardly counts.
Ecks meets his wife and now Sever is on his side. Except she kidnapped his son. She says she’s protecting him, not kidnapping him, and I guess that’s kind of true, but you don’t protect someone by locking them in a hamster cage. Ecks asks Sever, “what do you know about my son?” and I just have to imagine her saying “well he likes macaroni and cheese and jello and is remarkably okay with being locked in a hamster cage.”
Mom reunites with child and honestly this must be the most well-adjusted kid in the world. He’s fucking unflappable. “I wasn’t even scared,” he says. “Where were you, Mommy?” he says. Not “There’s no toilet in this hamster cage, I’ve had to poop in the corner like an animal.” Not “I must seek sunlight and also therapy.” Goddamn.
Now Gant sort of implies the kid is really his son, and he’s tricking Ecks into protecting him? Or something? I’m not sure who’s fooling whom. Who? Whom’st’d’ven’t?
“There are no innocent people, only killers and victims.” Then the victims would be the innocent ones. Oh my god. Proof read your scripts. Don’t just write stuff that sounds cool.
The climax seems to be Ecks and Sever pressing three buttons, each of which causes successively larger explosions. Ecks shoots a truck and it explodes. Then he shoots people. Goons ambush them. They shoot them. “Let’s finish this.” Thank GOD.
Bad guys chase Sever, not even firing at her. Then they shoot when she’s not there. I hope this text is tiring to read, because these endless explosions and shootouts are tiring to watch.
Finally the bad guy confronts Ecks, and is like “give me back my wife and kid” and Ecks is like “they’re not yours” and the bad guy is like “I’d hate for either of them to get hurt” in a threatening voice. Dude, you just threatened your own family. That is not bargaining.
Ecks defeats them with MOAR SPLOSIONS and it’s STILL not over. It’s Sever’s turn to shoot people. Then, for variety, she knife-fights another big bad guy, the Prince of Darkness. We get the same bland rock music which has played behind every scene. She throws him into a convenient vat of acid, while the bad guy Gant also explodes the acid at the same time.
The super well adjusted kid is afraid of Gant. Why? Gant was his Dad for his whole life. Suddenly he’s afraid of him? He wasn’t even afraid of being locked in a hamster cage for, like, days. Gant checks his kid for death-turtles, and finds none. Sever shows up behind him and it’s supposed to be this big moment. I don’t even remember what beef Sever had with Gant. Gant is just the bad guy.
And oh, man, Gant had the super-death-turtle in him. He collapses.
This movie was beyond dumb. I want to become a Rotten Tomatoes critic just to add another rotten review. It’s not even so-bad-it’s-good, it’s an unending slog. And whose kid was it? Is Ecks a dad now?
If I’m lucky, I won’t remember this tomorrow. If you want to join me in that bliss, start drinking now.
#tw suicide#tw bongos#movie#bad movies#review#summary#ballistic#ecks vs sever#rotten tomatoes#xd#plot#plot holes#lucy liu#drunk#drinking#explosion#explosions#script#funny#lol
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